Am I replying only to you? Jeff Sayers. I am 74 and have lived alone most of my life. I have 2.5 friends. Far away. No one to count on but me. And Source.
When I spend time with people, even if it is people that I like, I get exhausted, as if I had worked very hard...... I don't know why that always happens to me.
I teared up watching this, I'm a 16 year old girl and haven't been diagnosed with autism, but I keep noticing signs within myself that make me want to try and get diagnosed. I have no friends and struggle so much in social situations, despite really wanting to have a group of people that I can trust, talk to and share my interests with. It's especially difficult in terms of interests because I find that music is really important to me and something that I want to and could talk about to someone for hours, however it's so difficult to find people my age that actually listen to the same stuff I do and wouldn't mind me talking so much about it. I really can't maintain friendships so I have been feeling really lonely and hopeless for such a long time. I'm confused as to whether I'm overreacting, whether my struggles are because of trauma, anxiety or even autism. I'd like to try for a diagnosis so that I can understand why I struggle as much as I do and so that I can get support with this, but at the same time, I don't want to be wrong and I don't think my family would take me serious. But in any case, I wanted to say thank you for the video, even though I know it was made afew years ago, over the past couple of months, I've questioned whether pursuing friendships is really worth it, and have been on the verge of giving up, so when you said that making friends isn't impossible and that there is no use in giving up, some of my lost hope came back. Sorry this was long, it was nice to put my feelings somewhere. Thank you again for the video, it really helped! ❤ And yaaay! You like Metallica, they were the first ever band that I got into and inspired my love for music!
Trust yourself - believe that voice inside of you that always comforts you - believe in yourself - know yourself! This is your journey to unpack and really only YOU know the answer. Paul, has found his calling! These videos help me so much. I guess in my late 40s I pondered that maybe I was on the Spectrum. And now at 69 I know for sure. And got licensed in Special Education too. They don't teach about Autism very well! And girls, women on the Spectrum are imagined as - aliens -
My dear, try your best to get through this tough time & go to college & major in Music. There will be so many people in your classes that I’m sure feel the same as you, like many artists of all stripes do. Don’t give up!
@JDMime Learning 16 personality types from Jungian Analytical Psychology would help for making friends. My social interactions and managing friendships and relationships got significantly better after I learnt about 16 personality types and how to type other people and identifing internally how their personality traits work according to a system within my mind. They are 8 different cognitive functions and 16 different personality types, each cognitive function has its own behaviors according to where they are positioned with in the cognitive functions stack order. You have to first understand how your own type work, theoritical descriptions of each cognitive function. Watch CS Joseph's first playlist if you are interested. You can also take a MBTI test to find your type, however test results are not 100% accurate. I use CS Joseph's typing grid for typing people and understand their traits which was created based on Dr. Linda Berens' interaction styles and temperaments theory. That method can be used to type people fast than any method.
@JDMime Trust me, it is not only for Autistic people that is making friends and keeping relationships is very difficult. There are some very rare personality types within the population like INTP, INTJ..... Making friends and maintaining relationships are difficult for those people also compared to other types of people because they are very rare and have unique personality traits and also another types who are naturally compaitability with those types are even rarer than them. Since those rare types have unique and very different personality traits they are also types of people who are mostly misunderstood by the common personality types. Interesting fact is within the Autistic community these types of people are so common than another type of people!!! I think Intuitive Introverted types: INTP, INTJ, INFJ, INFP are most common types among the Autistic community and also these types are the most misunderstood. If you belong to one of these unique type and you are also Autistic, no wonder you feel like that.
Same, it's much more relaxing not worrying all the time about how I'm coming across or editing myself all the time. I preferred spending time on my own my whole life, now I don't even know why I was ever trying to have a "normal" social life in the first place.
Even though I have Aspergers It is torture but I like football sports im an insane sports freak only way I got friends lmaoooo mostly but that is my escape of life MANNN I love everything boys love but st times can be insanely socially awkward
@@taco2728 I get it haha I’m an aspie girl and I’m into things girls typically like (clothes, makeup, etc.) so I can blend pretty well, but the awkwardness... 😅😂 it’s so bad lol plus that my strongest special interest is in psychology, and I have yet to find anyone who actually wants to spend hours chatting about psych, let alone an aspie who shares my special interest!
Welcome to Finland! You'll find lots of real friends here. Finns don't expect small talk or talking about things that don't interest you. They find you interesting and valuable just the way you are - as a unique person worth knowing.
I find it's incredibly hard to make friends in Finland. And I don't understand your further comment about Finns. They won't just talk to you at all or take interest in you (maybe if you are a white foreigner, people will be more curious about you as an exotic animal). Yes, I dislike small talk too, but if there is going to be "big talk" after small talk, small talk is a necessary evil to find out if we have common interests.
@@identity7845 I'm so sorry to hear that. All people are not nice to each other. And there are subcultural differences in friendliness, too, especially when comparing cities to more rural areas. But I still find that Finns tolerate well many kinds of peculiarities in other peoples behaviour, and are not actively excluding those whom they find different from themselves. They let you just be what you are.
Hey Aspies -find yourself an ADHD friend like me! We're going to be mindful of your feelings and have lots of empathy when your life is hard. We struggle with things that are simple for 'normies', too. We're often open-books with similar difficulties setting personal boundaries, we'll typically be more willing to forgive when you trespass by accident as a result. We have so many ideas! We're passionate and may be able to inspire you to investigate new interests. Or at least make you a little curious ;) You have something to add to our lives as adhders which can make you feel needed/wanted instead of a charity case in relationships. You help ground us spacey adhders, help us make and keep healthy habits, provide logical advice and we love hearing your innovative ideas that are way too early for everyone else to see the genius of. We're just as happy to skip small talk and rebel against social conventions that don't make sense, right along side you. We often share values like a passion for justice and authenticity. Sharing values can be more effective at helping in forming bonds than simply sharing interests. We'll attract new friends to you since we're often seen as 'fun and youthful', and some of us are pretty charismatic. We can balance some of each other's weaknesses. I have had mostly neurodivergent friends, long before I knew I was an adhder or that my friends were anything but 'normal'. I'm glad now that I know I'm different, that I'm not alone.
Loved this comment! This has been so true for me as well in all the relationships with those in my life who are on the spectrum, particularly Asperger’s. I’ve always been very drawn to people on the spectrum - partly cause of being comfortable since it runs in my family and also because I place a high value on honesty, genuineness and intelligence. Several of the closest people in my life are on the spectrum, and that’s a huge part of why we get along - they help balance my ADHD and we compliment one another well in many ways. It’s a really beautiful thing to experience, especially among the various challenges we both have at times. I feel like those individuals have helped me become a better listener, slowed me down in healthy ways and helped me be more patient - and I bring some more variety and energy and movement to their more routined lifestyles. It’s truly beneficial because they feel heard, loved, accepted and understood with me and I feel seen and valued and appreciated! :)
I can vouch for this 100%. I've had a friend with ADHD for the better part of my life and the relationship has been one of the strongest I've ever had.
You have to get sharper to know if people appreciate you as as an individual or as an asset. And you must be grow stronger to handle the vulnerability to expose yourself to someone at the risk of rejection; you must be willing to face rejection.
I just try to find intelligent people. They're always happy to talk about ideas and theories which are obviously the most interesting things to talk about. We might speak about physics, or genetics, or psychology or socioeconomics, all kinds of things. Even if I don't particularly like the subject matter I'll usually learn something from the conversation and feel intellectually enriched by it. Also intelligent people tend not to find me as weird as those with average or below average intelligence for some reason. Most intellectuals are a bit odd or eccentric themselves so perhaps that's why.
Luculencia: Maybe that's why men more easily bond with other men, and women with other women. Men like to talk about THINGS, the physical universe, principles and logic. Women like to talk about FEELINGS, which are fluid, subjective and don't follow any rules of logic or rationality.
@@jbr84tx I don't know. I'm female, and I like to talk about ideas and concepts rather than anything else. The nerdier the better. I have noticed guys will talk more about tech and gadgets and women more about people and relationships, in general. But I've had nerdy science talks with both genders.
@@Luculencia I think you are not typical. Note how 'chick flicks' are all about relationships and the drama around them, while 'men flix' are often about physical conflict, strategy, technology, (used for good or evil), Artificial Intelligence, and things like that.
@@jbr84tx Hollywood is a bad marker for the real world though. Like horrendously bad. Plus they generalize the crap out of movies to appeal to the widest possible audience to crank up the ROI. I don't think it's wrong to point out the inherent qualities that come with each gender and how society has accentuated those. Women typically are more emotionally and people focused and men are typically more logic and problem solving focused. I also think that's more a product of sociology then biology though. Like how someone can be born with an incredible singing voice but if they never practice they'll never realize their potential and may even end up unable to sing in the future. I have 2 sisters and yet there's times where I'm clearly more "feminine" then they are. I've also dated a couple women who could not only beat me in a wrestling match but they're football loving, beer drinking, dress wearing, societal-norm-opposing, and smart. I've met skater girls, tom boys, plenty of women who played sports at various levels including a couple of women who were on their way to the Olympics (and were both very girly). I'll never deny the biology is there; we just can't rule out how a person lives and is raised.
My animals are my friends , 2 birds , 2 dogs and 2 cats. Since i was a child ive always had a dog. Animals are my world. Thankful for finding your channel.
@@suavo2252 In my experience, animals have always been far easier to be with than people. I trust animals. People, not so much. Better off happy with my cat than being around people.
When I was 8, me and my group of mates used to go to the library during school breaks and fold origami. Firstly, how on earth could I have ever been so lucky to find those guys? And secondly, I have never found any connection with people like that since. Truly an amazing memory to have .
My wise mother always said friends are there only for the good times,not the hard times. The ones that stick around for the hard times, count them as your family.
My family has always been the first to dip, and I have never been able to maintain any form of relationship in my entire life. The longer I know someone, the more exhausting it becomes to be around them.
One benefit of being a "loner" is I just don't care if I have friends or not. Sure, friends can be nice. Friends can make life easier sometimes. Occasionally, it's nice to have someone to talk to. However, it doesn't bother me if I have no friends. The most friends I have ever had at any one time was about five. It's hard to become my friend and easy for me to stop being friends.
only a handful of people can achieve not caring if they have friends. And the ones who do miss out on so many things, when they stop trying. Idk it could be better than being depressed and having noone
For some time though.. Thats what i thought too. Then complete isolation and solitude started changing me. I found myself unable to do even basic social things. And you have to do them sooner or later. But when you are alone for so long, it gets hard to fit in somewhere, if you can fit again at all... Whether we like it or not, total disconection is not good.
Having “friends” is overrated IMO. I don’t have time or energy to deal with people outside of my family and coworkers. Having friends means more drama at times too. I prefer dogs myself.
It is so hard to talk about things I like... I get the feeling that I'm annoying. I love books. I'm a writer and I born in a country that few people like to read. That's so difficult.
yeah, unfortunately if someone's not interested it's hard to talk about it. The trick is looking in the right places to find people who are interested.
I’ve been diagnosed, unmasked, and managing well for awhile. Why did this video make me cry? I think the struggle of losing friends always sits quietly in our minds bc we try so very hard.
I gave up on this about 20 years ago. I consider every living creature on earth my friend. Humans excluded. Good video on how important friends are in the modern world.
@@kepstein8888 Humans excluded, indeed! They, humans are the animal I like the least. I have been known to call them (myself included) “The Feces Species”. I am very misanthropic. I prefer animals and nature to TV and people, from as early as I can remember.
As Aspies, we're known for having deep interests in specific topics, but sometimes those interests become a prison to us. When we becoming pathologically incapable of venturing outside of those interests, it becomes off-putting to the perspective friends. It's the inability to empathize with the interests of others that becomes isolating. We limit ourselves by only allowing ourselves to form relationships around common interests. Sometimes people will talk to me about subjects I'm not interested in, but I get that it's important to them. People respect that you're willing to listen to them, even if it's a subject that you don't have a lot of strong feelings about.
I have a friend like this...we usually online chat or about 2 or 3 hours about 4 times a week...and its basically him talking about his special interests the entire time...Its not so bad because I also share in his interests (video games) but it wears on me because he will talk about his experiences and what he played that day and never really wanting to hear my experiences, or talk about what games I played...he very rarely ever asks me a question lol. Honestly I just enjoy being a friend and mentor to him, but damn sometimes it can kinda makes me feel a bit ignored or depressed lol thankfully I have other friends who are super social so it fills that void nicely lol just...advise to ppl with Aspergers...just make it a rule when chatting with people to at least ask a couple of questions during the conversation :) it will make all the difference!
This is a great comment and I wrote a comment to the video which is somewhat related. I'll paste it here too. "Relationships are about compromise - you're not going to find someone who is an identical copy of yourself. You lose your friends when you believe you need to be a perfect fit. Why people like going to the pub and have a few beers with friends? Well because people have a lot of different interests and hobbies - but meeting up and talking about them/other things are a great way to build bridges with people. Alcohol is a good social lubricant for a lot of people but it's definitely not a necessity. You could go for a coffee if you feel beer isn't your thing - or that one beer you said you like is perfect. I have close friends for life that I have no similar hobbies with but our common interest and the things we share are emotional. We have history, an emotional tie, knowledge about one's feelings and situations. That's what keeps friends. The common interests and hobbies are a fantastic way to make NEW friends - but it's not how you keep them. If that's how you keep them - then you'll eventually lose them when one of you move on from the hobby or when your relationship doesn't become more than just two people doing the same thing together. If common interests were the driving factor you'd be great friends with all co-workers you have since you spend most of your days doing the same things." Basically what I mean is that if you don't form a new dynamic where you can change the context of your friendship and still be friends - you might have troubles staying in touch down the line. The last sentence you wrote is fantastic and something everyone (Aspie or not) should listen to. You don't need to listen for hours about stuff you're not interested in - but a peak into someone's life and hobbies is great. You might find a new interest and you might become closer. That's also why it's nice to talk to someone with a very deep particular interest. When someone is really passionate about something - it's great to hear them explain why they love it (as long as they know when to calm down and talk about something else for a while :D).
I understand completely. It’s difficult for empaths too. I’ve learned to enjoy my own Company . Too much noise and weird energy coming from people sets me off and turns me away.
You said a critical thing Paul, when you need the support from a real friend who is there good or bad. Friends of 8 years have bailed since I just got my ASD diagnosis saying it’s going to an excuse I’ll use for meltdowns. I’ve spent the last 30 years working through chronic depression, periodic anxiety using the tools I’ve accumulated since my 20s. These “friends” one has a schizophrenic mother the other has chronic and medicated anxiety issues, know my history and effort,yes I feel betrayed.
Please keep making these vids. You give practical advice that can actually be implemented in real world situations. This is extremely beneficial and they make me try harder to do things I really don't want to. It's improving my standard of living greatly
My 13 year old daughter has aspergers. In addition, she does not care about make-up,sports,popular music, hair,clothes,boys or anything girly that the gals her age are talking about. She wants friends and my heart is heavy as I see her continually misfiring when it comes to connecting with others. Her focus is writing, drawing, classical music and animal welfare. If you are not talking about these subjects she tunes out. I have looked for support groups for parents/families but they are all too far away. When you said "keep trying" I thought to myself "that is all Ican do" . They need to bring back fairy god mothers! Thanks for sharing.
I had to force myself to be interested in those typical girly things when I was her age in order to make friends and survive. I'm approaching my 30s and I find myself slipping back into my natural state of being. Please reassure her that it's ok she's not interested in things others her age are interested in and to not compromise her true self for the sake of "fitting in".
She may experience a lot of name calling from her peer group. Let her know that this may come. Keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know that you are there for her and will help her figure it all out. Also let her know that most of these verbal attacks will end as she leaves high school. Then she can start to recover from the experience.
send her to an art class for kids in your area or start one...send her to volunteer at the local spca...she wil meet similarly interested kids at both venues
I found out this week that I have Asperger's. I was told since 4th grade I have an above average IQ (130+) and was never actually suspected by anyone to be on the spectrum. It's been a rough journey because I am 18 and just started my first semester at college and have 1 friend. My roommate is cool but he doesn't get it. I've been trying so hard every day just to function and this channel makes that much easier. Thank you for all the uploads and you keep doing you man.
At least you now know why you are different from the NT-population. I can understand that it was a rough time. I was the weirdo in the family, at school, at the university and in the workplaces. However, I cannot complain: I made my way. Yes, this channel is a good medium to understand things. But everyone is different and has other needs and abilities. Which means that everyone has to find his own way. An above average IQ is not a guarantee, but a good start to compensate side-effects, especially in workplaces. Unconditional friends are very very rare. I know only a few people. Most of the other so called "friends" will contact me only if they need something. Fortunately I made my way without having to rely on other people. It won't get easier, but I'm sure you will make your way. Take care!
Join some clubs based around things you like. Shared interests are the best way to make friends and it will give you a bunch in common that you can talk about, making conversation flow a lot easier. College is a great place to do this too as there are usually clubs for almost everything 😁 good luck. Being on the spectrum doesn't mean you can't be successful and happy x
People who aren't on the spectrum experience this as well. Not as much, so I understand your pain, but it's difficult for everyone to make real friends. There are so many people who are mean to people who are nice. They use and abuse them. I allowed that to happen to me several times, but I'm extremely cautious now. I finally understand my value, and I'm never going to have any type of relationship with anyone who doesn't treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve.
I suspect I have aspergers and have had this problem for my entire life. The only way I've found around this problem is to ask people "what have you thought about lately?" when the conversation starts to get boring. Their reaction to this question is also very telling (to me, at least).
@@cas1652 I'm very extroverted, so I just ask the question, like you would ask any other such as "how's your sister doing?" or "how was your weekend?" I get all sorts of replies and conversations get very interesting. People usually talk their opinions on media they've consumed in the past days, whatever political/social issues currently going on, different things they've experienced recently, etc. It's a very cool way to both get to know someone new and also talk to old friends.
I've watched a few of your videos. You have no idea how much you and the subscriber community is helping me understand myself. My dog died last year and I feel lost. For 14 years we did everything together. I hate sports, don't watch TV, don't drink or want to talk about politics or have a a superficial conversation. Thanks for all the topics you cover and for making the videos.
i find that i have times when i dont wanna talk so i ignore a friends call...and then they stop calling and i think..oh they dont care about me so i lose yet another friend. its not their fault but i cant find in myself to call them months later and explain whats wrong with me as i think they wont understand. lost so many friends that way
I don't like texting and people prefer that to calls now. I don't like texts like hi how are you? I just think do you really care If I tell you the truth, it's shallow and meaningless. If they are real friends they will come to your door or right you a letter if they care. I am a very loyal person but rarely get the same back. I have just thrown my mobile phone away last week as only 2 people texted me and never called .
For high school kids, QUANTITY of friends is important to them. As an adult, QUALITY is more important. I’d rather have 2 or 3 true friends than 100 “associates”.
Less true for autistics/Aspies... we tend to reject people who are inauthentic, so even as little kids, fairweather friends and acquaintances seldom impress an aspie/autistic. Even in Kindergarten I preferred to play by myself because I couldn't stand the social cliques or my "friends" (playmates) who would play with me one day and ignore me the next...
I've always preferred quality over quantity. For all of my elementary school experience I had one best friend. And I was very happy! Then she stopped being friends with me. But now I have two best friends and that is it. And I am still happy with a small amount of high quality relationships.
I used to have the odd friend, but they always seemed to end up bullying me or trying to con me out of money ☹️ I talk to my car when I’m driving along.
My son is exactly the same way. As a mum, it stresses me out thinking about when my time comes. I'm my sons "bouncer" so to speak. I feel like I'd be leaving a goldfish in a tank of sharks. No other family or friends to care about him. 😔
@@jomomma5281 keep your head up 😎 you will find a good set of friends. I get on with people that are a lot older than me 🙂 it's taken me a few maybe 15 years to break off a bad friendship, I feel like I have given up cash, days hours and part of my soul trying to be a supportive friend. Its been chucked in my face I got lied to coned out of money. If you are stuck try small talk with people for a bit, you will end up making someone's day a bit brighter🔆try and remember key things helped me out. You are worth it Go for gold
I am starting to think that i must be a very lucky Aspie - I don't actually want friends. I currently have 2. And i am quite happy. Its just how my brain is wired. I really don't dislike people but i find then in many ways to be very hard work. If i have a social event or worse a family thing to attend i will for a couple of days feel completely exhausted.
I have one good friend who leaves me alone until one of us needs something or has something special going on. Then we help each other "hide the body" (so to speak, never literally ... yet [jk]) and go back to our separate lives.
Seriously! I feel this. Sometimes all I want to do is talk about what I'm interested in and can't find someone to do that with, somethings I don't feel like putting out the extra energy to engage with people in something I'm not interested it. That has totally been a problem. I've gone out of my way to try and connected with people on thinks I thought they'd like and it didn't really pan out.
In my experience, this hasn’t been easy for me and not just because I have Aspergers but because of my appearance (which is up for debate). Friendships are built on commonalities, but you can still be friends with people who don’t have entirely the same things in common and find middle ground. Having too many friends can be a problems because it can be difficult to distinguish who your real friends are. And it’s so much better being friends with people who truly accept you for who you are 😊
I don’t have aspergers and I am the same. Good friends are hard to find and really hard to keep. I’m 75 and I’m still working hard at it, I think it’s fairly common. I enjoy being around animals, they’re so great. And yes, I do have a few close friends now, but I make sure I do my part.
I totally understand you. You are pretty much not interested in all the things I'm not interested either. And I have the same Problems. Friends are mostly conditional. Rarely one finds friends that are unconditional. I'm friendless all my life. Hard to go through but I had to manage, had no other choice. I have a few friends online but none nearby. And that's ok. Yes, friends are a blessing when the friendship is not lopsided. Otherwise it is a no making sense "friendship" It is very frustrating.
Go to corporate shows, auction houses, museums for lecture nights or universities for the same, join or create meet-up groups, enjoy pen pals (mail or electronic).
Clare Kuehn You have absolutely no idea. Why would I walk around amongst a group of people I cannot communicate with?? Most As. really only need a partner, someone to filter the world, just a little. Then we are fine. My life was almost perfect when I had someone I could rely on to tell me to shut up, or smile, etc.
My son is on the autism spectrum and I worry so much for him about having friends. He is 7, but I see other children reject him often and not understand him when we go to playgrounds and such. He does have a couple of consistent friendships at school. I unfortunately don't live near many other children so he is somewhat socially isolated outside of school unless I take him somewhere with other children. I tried to get him into a sport this year, but he didn't want to do it and I wasn't going to force him. I have always encouraged him to be himself and nurtured his interests. I wish there was a lego or gamer club in my city for his age group. He has a lot of interests that are somewhat advanced for his age. I do hope he goes into adulthood with the same confidence to remain authentic and surround himself with those that really appreciate him and get him. Thanks for he videos.
I see you wrote this a year ago but I’ll respond anyway. My father, whom I never liked much, and who never helped much, forced me to run track in high school. I wasn’t much good, but it was good for me, and I made friends and learned a lot of valuable things about myself. It will help your son to push him to participate and try things. It will be good for him and he can deal with it. Don’t let him rear himself. BTW, you rear children and raise corn. Good luck.
I'm in the spectrum and I have lots of interests, such as computer games, tennis, bodybuilding, girls, wrestling, cars/mechanics, etc. The problem is neurotypicals are just not loyal. I can meet a new friend for a couple of times and then I never hear from them again. Truth is they don't like us and you know what, it's fine. Had this happen to me dozens upon dozens of times.
My experience of this is that most NTs just put very little 'effort' into making friends - possibly because it happens so easily and often for them. The result is that if it doesn't 'happen by itself' they don't do anything. Unfortunately this often means a LOT of extra work on our part to 'make it happen' - so yes, I understand what you mean!
Aspergers from the Inside you nailed exactly what I meant by my comment. For example I'm the only one who calls my NT ''friends'' and don't get any calls in return. In contrast, growing up I had many NT friends and we always played on the street after we got home from school for many years and hung out until my late teens. However, I found that Neurotipicals change as they grow old, right now I meet plenty of people, I'm not socially inept, I'm a quiet and optimistic guy with a nice sense of humor, but I can't make new friends or convert these acquaintances into friends. As a matter and fact, I can count friends I have now with a single finger and she (ex-gf) lives across the globe.
As an NT, I want to respectfully disagree with a few things in the comments here. 1. Not all NTs are disloyal friends. Honestly...that's like saying all aspies are anti social. Neither is true. But I think because of the social skill differences in both, the gap may make YOU think an NT isnt loyal...but have you ever asked one WHY they may not call you? Or why they stopped talking to you? 2. Friends, to those of us over the age of 30, is not a term we throw around lightly. Just because I hung out with someone 2x and had drinks with them after work doesn't make them my "friend". I refuse to use that term loosely as it is. So I have to ask...what makes you think these people are your "friend"? Have they been there for you in your time of need? Have they helped you? Have YOU been there for them in their time of need? It goes both way...but until someone has proven themselves, you cant just call then a friend! 🤨 3. This may NOT be what you want to hear...but it is the truth: where an aspie may see themselves as 'blending in', NTs see through it. And the aspies quirks and all may and can make NTs uncomfortable. Sometimes the aspie may come on too strong...or be too distant. Although the aspie may be funny and kind, they may not be able to hold a convo outside of their special interest...and so the NT, not interested in talking about the same thing over and over, will become distant. Thus when the 'friendship' may seem to fall off. There are SO many factors that could lend to an NT falling back from associating with someone, just as aspies have their reasons for isolation or the quirks they have. Thing is, unless YOU ask for a reason, it isnt fair to assume - from the NT or aspie side. I had an aspie I was friendly with, who keeping it 100 (real), I could only take in small doses. That may sound cruel, but understand that she was extremely socially awkward and had a hard time functioning in crowds or groups. She repeatedly talked about statistics and golf...and was very clingy. Phone convo attempts (unless they were about her fav topics) were met with silence on her end. THAT was frustrating for me (as I'm sure it was for her too). I have no interest in stats...and I cant stand clingy people (,men or women) , yet I am an extrovert and very social. So I was FRIENDLY towards her and tried to incl her in outings, but in my mind she was not a friend. I couldnt confide in her...I couldnt hang out with her unless it was on her terms based on her limitations...we couldnt talk about a lot of my interests as she would tune out or take over the convo. So you see what I mean? Not wanting to be someone's friend doesnt mske s person disloyal - sometimes it just isnt a good FIT! And that should be ok...
A V Thanks for replying. I hope you realize with your Point 3) you are confirming what I just said: NTs (I didn't say there are no exceptions but in general) don't like Aspies. I haven't asked NT's why, and honestly, I'm not interested to know why they don't like me, why would I, so I could change for them? As a matter and fact, it's NTs who always insist that I should go out with them, and keep bugging me at work, or by means of acquaintances, to go out with them until I do accept their invitations. However after I do, I never hear from them again. This is why I do not ''hang out'' with NTs anymore. I feel I'm being used by them. Like if they just want to use me for their entertainment, curiosity or killing time. In other words, why would I want to go out with someone I will probably never see again in my life ? I have better things to do. I find crowds and groups, and their underlying struggle for hierarchical dominance risible. Sometimes it's not only that Aspies might not know how to function in these frames, but that they do not CARE for them. If you are as you say, an extrovert yourself, I would then deem you as ''clingy'. As were the other countless extroverts I've met. In my experience, and I may be wrong, most Aspies are not clingy, many are introverts who prefer to be by themselves, and occasionally like to socialize. Extroverts, like yourself, in contrast, cannot bear to keep to yourselves for too long, be it in contemplation, prayer, reading, writing and etc, and always need social stimulus; now that would be my definition of ''clingy''. So I don't see how Aspies could be clingy, maybe the particular one you met. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like it's a matter of ''us vs. them'', but I'm trying to be blunt here. I think your definition of a friend is too strict. I'm 38 years old, I'm an M.D with some experience in life. I do not think there is such a thing as a ''friend who would help you when you are in need''. How old are you? You may be surprised to know in the future, that people who you thought were you ''friends'', will not be there for you when you are REALLY in need. I mean in drastic need, how many? Zero, zilch, nada. That person who would truly be there for you might be a family member (if you're lucky), yourself, or Logos Incarnate Himself (Christ, that so many today put so much effort into rejecting). Again, it's nice to hear your perspective, but you should know there are many aspies who are not like your friend as well. An Aspie would NOT tune out from what her NT friend was trying to say, just because it's outside the Aspie's intererest zone. In fact, I think we Aspies, can be way more emphatic than NTs.
Daniel Jahn Daniel Jahn I respect your viewpoint but you may have the wrong definition of clingy. Clingy being "constantly around...always at your side" which the girl was. I was her ONLY associate outside of her family...and she would tend to gravitate to me and only me. In MY mind, that was clingy. Being an extrovert does not go hand-in-hand with being clingy, so I challenge that notion there. I love being social and around people, yes. Am I "up anyones butt" so to speak - never. Do I follow people around? Never. Am i constantly looking for people to be around? No to that too. So I think the definition you are following just may be a bit skewed. Not one person has ever labeled me as clingy...except you - today. 😏. This is a 1st lol. But that is a prime example of perception and the diff between NTs and Aspies. You assume one thing from MY point of view as an NT...and for the record I enjoy being in a quiet place, reading a magazine, or listening to relaxing music JUST as much as I enjoy being around my friends and going out. Dont assume I am unbalanced...or that NTs are. To say NTs dont like aspies is ridiculous!!! We may not understand aspies...we may be UNCOMFORTABLE around aspies...but that doesnt mean dont flat out like them. Thay is a negative generalization that is incorrect. I dont know YOU, and you are an aspie. You very well could be an amazing person - and you and could have a lot in common...or not. But I refuse to make a general statement on ALL aspies, and I would never write people off because of that either. Shoot...who am I to judge? You also spoke on the definition of FRIENDS. All you have to do is look up the definition - clear as day. It is reciprocity and support, things in common, etc. That is what I meant by being there for others and them doing the same for you. For the record, I'm over 35...and although my circle has dwindled down (due to marriages, kids, moving away, jobs, etc) - my core group of friends remains intact and has for years. Mind you all my friends also have groups of real friendships they rely on! We support each other emotionally and physically when needed, we check up on each other, and I know IF ever needed - I can count on them to help me (and they have). We plan trips together and all. That is real friendship. If you dont have that, then those people arent "friends". Going to happy hour with a coworker doesnt make them your friend. Having a few convos in the caf over lunch doesnt either. I think that may be where things get lost in translation between NT and aspie versions of what each believes a friend should be. For instance, I have an ex who was an aspie. He had people who were nice to him, they were friendly towards him, but they never incl him in their outings, they didnt call him to check up on him (he didnt call them either), he wasnt invited to their bday parties or weddings. Yet...in his mind...these were his "friends". It boggles my mind how he called these guys his friends yet not one of them did ANYTHING outside of talk to him at work and be friendly. That was it. Showing that his definition of "friends" was off. Needless to say once he understood that these coworkers were not hos real friends (and just associates) he began to hate everyone! It was confusing - he wanted to belong and have friends, but was also very vocal about hating everyone and labeling everyone as fake?! Again...proving my point on the difference between perception and also being friendly/having friends. I really appreciate you sharing yourside of things though. It helps me understand a little more...the aspie way of thinking. 😊
This is why I had nine kids. I had to grow my own friends. (Now that half of them are adults it’s really so much fun to have a whole group of awesome people to hang out with!)
What is wrong with you? "Having friends is overrated...I have a best friend!" Let's see how you'd fare at your age without your best friend. Probably not so great. Meanwhile the rest of us who are unable to find our one real friend will continue to suffer.
I don't even have a best friend. Actually I have a lot of people who are busy, who have priorities that do not involve me. That's about the extent of my friendship.
im 22. i resonate with this video but i have not been diagnosed as autistic. my entire childhood into university has been spent not being able to find friends or have a sense of belonging. it was always exhausting or i felt way too different/found it difficult to talk about my special interests with anyone. so i tried rethinking making friends in person and tried the internet. i tried joining groups revolving around my special interests but no one wanted to talk further about it with me. so i have given up. im tired of the last decade and wasting my energies into being someone else and trying to fit in with others. i find it is easier to be by myself. i also like spending time with animals. i am interested in being assessed for autism but i dont believe the diagnosis will make any significant changes to my life. i am just comforted that i am finally being able to relate my experiences to others for once and feel normal.
would you be open to updating us on your views a year on? how are you doing now? i'm in a similar situation and i am 22 currently, honestly my friends are great people but we don't really 'connect' or do we really talk outside of the weekly meet up and i've found a lot more enjoyment in life by doing things solo, but seeing people enjoying things together whether as friends or with partners in public gets to me sometimes when i realise its just not possible for me. (...maybe in the future? idk)
I used to drink alcohol, and smoke pot, but it was never anything I wanted to talk a lot about. Invariably fell into the rut of wanting it constantly because I was using it to mask. Have always been challenged to making friends - really identify with what you're saying. Appreciate your openness, and honesty. I can see your effort, and risk in expressing it.
Jack Lampin bro, tell me more. Yes, there is hope. Researchers are getting closer to a cure every day. But can you explain me what makes you tired ? Is it your lack of expression ? Or is it just your lack of common interest with other people ?
Emotional health perhaps, mental is debatable, depends on the individual, but having contact with people overall is essential to survive in this world even if they aren't necessary your friends
I have really given up on trying to meet new people, it is perhaps a comfort level too. I like my own time and hobbies much more than being with someone just to be with someone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Sometimes you can feel lonely in a group much more than being alone by yourself.
I like what you shared. I relate strongly. In my experience as someone with aspergers, from what i can discern, another barrier is that people (in general) choose friends on the basis of feelings. I unintentionally create awkwardness, this creates unpleasant feelings, so most people are disinclined to be my friend, no matter what i have to offer, even if we can relate on a shared interest, even if i can be helpful in an area of need. Ive seen it repeatedly, people distancing themselves from me as they become familiar with my unintentional tendency to create awkwardness. Having it all with no one to call is horrible for an extreme extrovert with aspergers. Ive not been able to get anyone to have a maintained interest in my friendship of their own initiative. At best, i have seasons of people who tolerate me with basic politeness. If i dare try to reach out for an in depth friendship, i can expect to be treated like my efforts to be a friend are a rude intrusion. Its horrible, in crowds, knowing anyone could be a friend to me if they only chose to, but knowing virtually none of them would want to, no matter what i have to offer. It seems im a displeasure/burden to everyone. Its hard to identify a purpose to my existence. I feel selfish not sharing what i have to offer, but no one wants what i have to offer if it comes from me.
I don't really understand "feelings" and how to manipulate them. I'm in the same boat, no best friends, just a group of people who will tolerate me with politeness, but will make no effort to make time for me or make me feel welcome. Basically they are always busy and very easy for me to escape their thought completely. It becomes tiring to try to message them every so often to let them know I am still alive, because otherwise I hear not a peep from anyone. I'd prefer that they reach out to me but most the time it does not happen. In fact people will subconsciously try to get rid of me and even associate me with very dangerous labels that leads to false imprisonment and exile. The worst thing is, the harder you try to reach out to them, the harder they push you away.
Friends are not an option. Good listening to you. You are a great communicator who happens to have Aspergers. I’ve never had a model of someone “keeping a friend”. I’ve been told that I should go to a place the same time on a certain day every week - Ex. Join the excersize group at 9:00 am every Tuesday & Thursday.
I remember a aspie friend who enjoyed telling detailed stories about things he have learned about often special kind of animals to us (his friends) on the bus and we all appreciated it alot! A certain thing we all had as a common interest tho was playing roleplaying games, the the paper and dice kind. Im thinking that everyone are different and that is nice! We all bring something to the table. And being in hermit mode is good for the health aswell. :)
I am a person who has no filters when I talk, so it is easy to offend someone without knowing it. People think I am rude and inconsiderate. I am quite blunt when I talk. I just can’t sugar coat words. Usually words just come out of my mouth. I have very select friends. I really think people think I am crazy. I noticed that you still had your jacket on, so it made me wonder what you may have experienced and you seemed upset. I am glad that you were able to be so direct. You are a rather select person and quite unique. Thank you for being open.
All of your videos have been great and I can relate to most of them as a 30-something aspie, but honestly when you mentioned cryptic crosswords my smile went from cheek to cheek. Words and language are probably my main aspie selective interest and I feel like I'm the only person who actually does cryptics. I'm with you on the authentic friends. I've had some friendships fade out and they stopped including me in stuff because I didn't maintain the social stuff as much as what was expected. But I have a select group of friends who understand, not necessarily that I have Asperger's, but that I don't always have the energy to keep up with stuff. I'd rather have friends that I only hang out with once a month or less but we're solid every time, than acquaintances that guilt trip me into hanging out every week then stop inviting me.
Thanks for being so vulnerable. I totally empathize. I actually passed up going to the beach yesterday with a cool couple I recently met through another friend. They really seemed like people I'd like to have as friends, but I was so intimidated that I passed it up. Basically out of fear that I would be too uninteresting to maintain a conversation for the day. I know this is wrong thinking, but numerous pass instances have told me that there is a 50/50 chance I'll find myself in some sort of awkward situation, which is almost debilitating for me. I'm not complacent with these feelings, I try to fight them, and often this pays off, but they are legitimate at the same time. eternal struggle lol . Feels good to know that I'm not alone. I guess I'm similar to you in that I come off as someone who would not have a problem with this, so i think its throws people off when it happens.
The fact that I was drinking a lot helped me a lot during my uni years. My social anxiety almost dies off when I'm drunk and I can enjoy the situation.
I had friends in high school, but haven’t had friends since. It’s really hard because I want friends so badly but don’t know how to meet people or turn those people into friends. It’s hard not to give up. I’m glad other people feel the same.
You could start a practicing a sport. It doesn't matter if you don't like any; choose the "less worse" one. Then, try to be as social as posible. If you are not "young enough" for that, then you might be interested on gardening.
THANK YOU! I feel this so much. I'm in Australia, 20 year old male. I've always had this issue and I've never understood why. It's so amazing to hear somebody else talk about this!
I can totally relate. Thank you for your honesty. I actually find that a good psychological novel allows me to enrich myself from the intimate experience of others. I find that very helpful when I need company and there's no-one I can talk to or relate to.
Not really, unless they are deep or sincere. They're out there. But self love is the best. I did Melanie Tonia Evans course (an online book for $25) for self love - and it changed my life. After that, I didn't need anyone.
I enjoyed this video. I had two friends in my childhood and twenties. I got tired of their ease of lying, faking things and such. We did had fun, hung out, drank beer...even when we were 17. Nice guys but the "playing the game" was too exhausting for me. I could not fake lying, eye contact...the change when being other people to impress them and such.... Both are gone now...I am only 53. Both passed at around age 43. I learned a lot from them. They learned a lot from me.
Me too. Moi aussi. I am old style, big time. I am a scholar of books, reading, classics and language. Am told I could be a teacher! Or a Professor. Thought terrifies me. Friend's I have, I have maintained since mid 1990's. Almost impossible for me to go out now and make friends. Thank you sir. 2022. Lafayette, Colorado. USA.
Its interesting, because me at the moment i have no... True Friends. No one close enough that i can talk to about everything. No common interests, which i Really need. So i shall keep on my journey to hopefully find a good friends who accepts me for me. ty for this video
I don't really have anything that I'm passionate about, sometimes I find things that interest me for a time, but then I usually move on, none of those hyper focuses and special interests I'm supposed to have. So forget common interests when you don't really have interests to begin with. And the few things I do on a mostly daily basis aren't something I like talking about. I do like talking to people though, but I generally don't want to share anything about myself, because none of it constitutes as funny, just tragic and depressing. So it's hard to create a future when you need to pretend you don't have a past.
Yes EXACTLY!! This is all so very true & well- said. And it's extremely difficult to find folks who want to talk about my interests to the depth & detail that I do. But I enjoy it immensely when I do find them (usually other people who have various processing "disorders" or are neurologically different). Listen, your thoughts are so great & helpful that you don't even have to have a point... and I get a great deal out of hearing you candidly explore your thoughts and figure out your point along the way (I don't automatically enjoy that with everyone, but you bring honest substance, helpful thought-trains, revealing processing, humble strength, good "rants"! 🖒☺ )
You've just hit the nail on the head of why it's hard for me to make or maintain friendships. Good on you for explaining it so easily from our prospective. Keep it up, not everyone can easily word things so simply about their condition so that someone else can understand it fluently
The videos you produce which are raw and emotional and unfiltered are the most beneficial to me. I am the father of a 24 year old son that may be possibly dealing with Aspergers. Your raw videos capture EXACTLY the feelings and emotions he's going through and have conveyed to me. If not for your channel, I would not have been able to pinpoint what his issues are. We're now getting him therapy. Thank you!!
Hello, thanks for making this video. Today i was crying about "life" and "people". It's hard sometimes and it's hard for me to make new friends. And to be honest, most of the people i dont like because they are mean. Im 33 years old, lesbian, single and live with my dog in a small town since 6 mounths where i knew nobody. I feel so lonely but thank for the internet haha. Greets from Debbie 🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺
Go listen to Lou Reed and John Cale's Songs For Drella album (song "Small Town" esp.). You'll relate. I grew up in the suburbs in LI NY myself, but not in a town so tiny that I knew everyone. It's still no picnic.
I wouldn't worry about trying to connect with people with likes/hobbies (that you do not connect with). You need to focus on what you LIKE and friends will come naturally. They do say, people with a select amount of friends are more intelligent lol.
That's excellent advice. The best way is not try to make friends with stereotypical people. Do the things YOU enjoy doing and be a good person, treat people with the same respect you expect to be treated and good things will happen to you. It's not that hard. Says the loner with no friends. 😄
THANK YOU! This is exactly my problem. I don't share very many common interests with people. I do like watching TV, but most of the shows I watch are not popular or the people I try to talk about them with aren't interested in them. I like a specific kind of movie or show. Mostly animated ones supposedly just for kids, I like ones with songs like Disney movies, and I hate serious, violent, or overly sex focused ones. The thing is I am 17 years old, so the movies and shows I like aren't "age appropriate". My peers would be embarrassed to admit that they watched any of them. But I have other focused interests too that are once again, uncommon. Sure I am awkward socially, but the problem is that I can't think of anything to talk about with other students, so it is super difficult to makes friends when you can't even keep a conversation going. Sorry for the rant. What you said just really resonated with me. I love your channel.
You are really authentic and sympathetic. As a teacher working with all kinds of children I recognize what you are saying. You are an example to function quite well. All human beings struggle once in a while in life. So actually you express how humans cope with life. 🙂
As a non aspie here’s the thing: there are plenty of interesting people out there who do not drink beer, listen to mainstream music, etc. the reality is that people have their own problems to deal with (maybe money) that you’re just not a priority. Neither am I, a non-aspie. Friends come and go, some stay longer than others. That’s just the nature of relationships. There is no need to hang so desperately. People who you have a genuine connection with will stay longer but there’s no guarantee even then. BUT in my experience I have had more than enough people who keep me entertained and help me when I need it.
@@TheAlfadir hey are you an aspie? don't feel offended. the reason I put a FULL disclaimer in my comment is that I wanted aspies to know what NON-aspies are really thinking to lessen aspies' burden of perhaps wanting to please others/ want other people to accept them as if they (the aspies) did something wrong. USUALLY you did nothing wrong but people have their own goals/problems so it's not so much that it's the aspie's fault but it could be that the aspie isn't even registered in the other person's mind.
another disclaimer: I am actually a super confident (maybe overly confident borderline arrogant) non-aspie who had dated an aspie. that's why I care. aspies should listen to an honest non-aspie or someone like me who is the opposite of shy/socially anxious because it could give you perspective JUST like I am watching videos on aspies to learn about them even though I dont have their "problems"
@@dbsk06 Highly appreciated that you want to know more about aspies. However, there is a saying "if you know one aspie, you just know one", because usually aspies struggle with the same topics, but there still are quite big differences. However, we do have the same feelings/emotions NT's have. The problem is the communication ... I have (a few) NT friends. I probably will never understand them completely and vice versa. Does that matter? Not really, as long as you respect and accept one another. But we are all different. I can perfectly live without contact for a longer period. Others might have problems with that. Not to have to rely on other people make things much easier. Again, highly appreciated that you try to understand!
It is crazy when you watch videos on this because you think that you are alone . My Dad my whole life always asked why don't I like cars . I don't watch tv or listen to the radio . Everything I do is specifically sought out to give my brain more info on what the hell in life is going on . One thing that I am tortured by especially because I have really bad autism are memories . Just going over things and how I should have done them differently
Well, I think you are incredible! And the authenticity is amazing! Honestly, I look for the same thing in friends… And I’m with you on the idea that having friends is not optional… It’s very necessary in order to reset ourselves… And I also really like this sense of autonomy… And self acceptance… It seems like you would be a really great person to be friends with… We have to allow each other to be ourselves…. I really loved your video thank you so much
I atarted watching your videos because it is possible that someone close to me is on the spectrum. This video struck a particular chord because although this person appears to have alot of friends, there are only a few people that I think he really connects with. I alwyas had a feeling he might feel a bit lonely. Beyond the important messages for aspies in this video, what you said at the end is GOLD - for everyone. Being accepted as your authentic self is so important. I appreciated the reminder. Thank-you. I learn alot from you everyday!
Haha you’re just like me. I don’t have tv. Don’t do anything mainstream. I don’t drink. I live super rural now but reading, hiking, and tooling around on my quad, being in the woods exploring, and a recent fascination with geology/rocks are all I am interested in. I have no interest in anything “normal” people do. I don’t need friends. I don’t want friends either. I prefer to be totally alone now. People just suck these days.
Have you considered learning to forage? Or growing food? There are lots of great UA-cam channels dedicated to those topics. Tough times are coming and a rural location is the perfect place for it.
Aww. "People just suck these days." That is a sad thing to believe. Humanity has always been a mixed bag of good people, bad people, and people in the gray area. Although I think most people if not all are in the gray area. No one is perfect and noone is all bad. I was thinking the same thing for a while, for my own reasons. But I hope that you can try to see the good sides of people too. Best wishes. 🤗💛
For me, making friends is pretty much a no-go, because people seem to automatically and instantly detect my "oddity" as well as how little importance I place on having friends. They simply sense it. I don't. But ain't that the crux of the Aspie deficit?
They might know we are aspies but we also know they are Nts. I don't want anything to do with NTs, a dog is worth much more to me than an NT 'friend''. Get a puppy. They are man's best friend.
I had a long distance relationship with someone who had Asperger's and I was so head over heals that after connecting over common interests I didn't realize that our conversations didn't move outside of those specific interests. He explained to me how he interacted with people because of his diagnosis and I completely understood then his capabilities at that point, or so I thought. When I tried talking to the man I really really liked about other parts of me or my life it was physically painful to realize his complete lack of interest. I also found out that him telling me he loved me was simply a response he knew would be socially appropriate in a relationship. I think what hurt me the most was the fact that he became so exhausted that his honesty came in monotoned and at the speed of light, I understood that he was simply apologizing and essentially saying goodbye, I understood because of his Asperger's and I didn't judge him for that. But holy shit did that level of honesty hurt, to hear someone say "hey now that I know you I'm not that interested in you and I made a mistake trying to make you feel like I loved you like that and blah blah blah". The truth really did hurt in that situation. One of our common interests was debating, needless to say we would have never lasted because that shit got toxic real quick. I was a Christian at the time and he was an atheist and when we debated about the existence of God he would lose his mind. Lol I do certainly miss him.
I haven't been diagnosed and have been watching your vids for my 11 year old daughter who hasn't been diagnosed....sounds like we have an issue as well as my other kids... It feels so lonely but so glad i have the kids. We all say we are each others best friends, it's so relaxing not trying to fit in and to be authentically ourselves when we are together.... Thanksyou for this video Paul. Raylene from New Zealand
Wonderful to see you’ve made this video years ago yet it’s continuing to help people. It definitely gave me further insights into myself. One thing I enjoyed is testing which people I can be in a slow conversation with, with plenty of silence. Those conversations sound very similar to this video, but with 2 people: slow, thoughtful, meaningful 👍 Also, in this day and age I’ve found it uncommon to find people that want to be friends because we love “existing together” rather than “we help each other” (in any way such as information, care, money, etc)
YES!! Even if I find someone with something in common they don’t really want to talk about it as much as I do! I have had to accept that my life is about being alone for the most part and seeing people a few times a year and not get down about it. If we focus on what is missing it makes you depressed.
Thankyou so much for this highly validating video! I can relate so much to what you said. I have decent social skills but rarely feel I'm truly on the same page with others. I do hold out hope one day I will find people that love gymnastics, death metal, sociology, veganism, dark/dry humour and puns and kitsch fashion just like moi🤣
It is harder for us to make friends, I have a small group of friends most are a long distance away but we get along and have some stuff in common, when your over 30 it’s definitely harder to make friends especially for us aspies since most of us do not have kids so that makes me feel like the oddball of the group because the majority of my friends from highschool have kids so we live very different lives! Honestly I’m happy to be home alone or just me and my fiancé or visit my immediate family sometimes! I’ve never felt the need to have tons of friends, I tried in the past to be more extroverted but being around so many people brought nothing but drama!!! I’d rather stay home and read a good book or play guitar!
You and your fiance, ladies live life on easy mode lol. Most men in these comments have no one... no friends, no one that dares hug or kiss them and tells them they care. Try that, you won't last 6 months lol
I’m 43 and just started watching a few of these videos. I relate to so much of what you say. I’ve been in therapy for years for trauma issues and I’m only diagnosed with ptsd, but some of my life long disconnect from others feels hardwired and this energy thing you describe fits too. Seems like the info that’s been missing. So much of this fits. Kinda getting emotional about this for some reason. Not sure what to do with this suspicion I have about this. Lots of memories of suppressing things I’d do to express extra energy/anxiety to fit in, slowly developing white knuckle control to not be called retarded and what it cost. The unpleasant endurance challenges to stay in torturous situations to make parents happy. I experienced a life crash 7 years ago after I lost my grandma. My only person. Without wanting to, I shed all the identities I was performing for 3 main and a few other groups I had maintained exhausting relationships with because of some pointless concept of family and duty. The experience of making and having friends seems risky, costly with added trauma. I actually ran away from everyone after my crash. I moved to Cali and abandoned everyone from my fake life. I feel sad about it. especially friends that loved the old fake me I tailored to fit them, but mostly I am relieved. Might not have gone that way if my family system wasn’t abusive. I have more than enough data to justify total abandonment and restart. Have given extra relationships zero effort for a while. Feels like relief. Auto immune problems with psoriasis and joint flares have reduced a lot. Lost 40 lbs. Being lonely seems like a futile thing to keep fighting at this point. Literally have run out of energy for seeking extra relationships. I’m putting it all toward my new mate I’ve managed to still be with for 6 years now. My mate is extremely co dependent and likes how I care for and maintain her. She really loves me fully acknowledging I’m very different and sometimes I’m not very fun ways and that my emotional language/expressions are different than hers and she understands I’m not even good at mine. I’ve been trying to correct my emotional irregularities that cause conflict in therapy. It is hard and frustrating at times. Regardless of hurting her feelings a lot without meaning too, she’s the best relationship I’ve ever had with real periods of happiness and love feelings. Never had that before. She’s really great at spotting where I fall short and fills in. She leaps in and loves doing the activities and places I avoid. Creating awesome systems of intimacy and codependence with a complimentary mate whose energy recharges me is what I believe is the most logical way to spend my limited relationship points. An example of a system I love is our meal plan system. She writes out a month of recipes she’s picked out, she makes the list, she gathers it in stores. I store it, organize it and cook it. It’s the most satisfying system I’ve ever enjoyed with another person. She does the parts that feel like sticky anxiety swamps for me happily and I do the parts she detests like cleaning organizing and following a process to recreate something perfectly happily. It’s weird seeing someone I actually relate too. I love my wife but we are very different and that’s why we work. I can’t imagine what being around another person like me would be like. Sorry for the novel. Your suggestion sounds interesting. Going to hang out here and watch a while. Is there an instructional manual with procedures for choosing appropriate and compatible friends?
It may have felt like a rant or preaching on your side, but from my side, my opinion should I say, this video made me sad. Not because you were particularly talking about sad things, but the fact is this video is needed. I have struggled all my life to try to make friends just to fit in, to not be the 'weirdo with no friends' but the fact of the matter is there will always be a glass door between me and them. I have 1 friend and it took me 34 years to find her. I now feel less lonely and less inclined to pretend anymore. These videos would have been a massive help to me when I was younger and a lot of your videos still help me now. Thankyou for sharing your experiences.
Same here. I just cannot do small talk. Never know what to say or how the other person is taking it. Are they interested, just being kind, or not interested.
You know something that is worse than being alone? Being with somebody who makes you feel WORSE than being alone....
Been there. Too true.
It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel all alone - Robbin Williams
My ex husband...
yes lol
Sad but tru
I’m 67 yo and I have no friends ,I’ve lived on my own 43 years and your videos have shown me what I am at last.
...such a beautiful comment- if you are content, then enjoy the contentment-
God bless you Jeff.
Howdy
I am 39 years old ,i have no friend , no one in my family can understand me, i got crisit from them much from my fault...I got depress too.
Am I replying only to you? Jeff Sayers. I am 74 and have lived alone most of my life. I have 2.5 friends.
Far away. No one to count on but me. And Source.
I have legitimately googled how adults make friends before I was diagnosed.
Ahaha, damn it, I'm at this stage)) Wanted to make someone I know a friend
I googled how to make friends too, but I'm 17.
I've googled how to start conversations 😩😩
Is that not normal? I don't have any friends. Not for many years. I'm 27
Making friends as adults is difficult.
I'm not entirely sure what friends are supposed to be.
When I spend time with people, even if it is people that I like, I get exhausted, as if I had worked very hard...... I don't know why that always happens to me.
That is often the case with introverts.
Same! Always been like that!
@@southlondon86 Could just that you're an introvert.
I completely understand this x
Same
I teared up watching this, I'm a 16 year old girl and haven't been diagnosed with autism, but I keep noticing signs within myself that make me want to try and get diagnosed. I have no friends and struggle so much in social situations, despite really wanting to have a group of people that I can trust, talk to and share my interests with. It's especially difficult in terms of interests because I find that music is really important to me and something that I want to and could talk about to someone for hours, however it's so difficult to find people my age that actually listen to the same stuff I do and wouldn't mind me talking so much about it. I really can't maintain friendships so I have been feeling really lonely and hopeless for such a long time. I'm confused as to whether I'm overreacting, whether my struggles are because of trauma, anxiety or even autism. I'd like to try for a diagnosis so that I can understand why I struggle as much as I do and so that I can get support with this, but at the same time, I don't want to be wrong and I don't think my family would take me serious. But in any case, I wanted to say thank you for the video, even though I know it was made afew years ago, over the past couple of months, I've questioned whether pursuing friendships is really worth it, and have been on the verge of giving up, so when you said that making friends isn't impossible and that there is no use in giving up, some of my lost hope came back. Sorry this was long, it was nice to put my feelings somewhere. Thank you again for the video, it really helped! ❤ And yaaay! You like Metallica, they were the first ever band that I got into and inspired my love for music!
Praying for you Eon. 🙏
Trust yourself - believe that voice inside of you that always comforts you - believe in yourself - know yourself! This is your journey to unpack and really only YOU know the answer. Paul, has found his calling! These videos help me so much. I guess in my late 40s I pondered that maybe I was on the Spectrum. And now at 69 I know for sure. And got licensed in Special Education too.
They don't teach about Autism very well! And girls, women on the Spectrum are imagined as - aliens -
I hope you're doing well. Metallica was one of the first bands I ever listened to as well, although I'm much older than you haha.
My dear, try your best to get through this tough time & go to college & major in Music. There will be so many people in your classes that I’m sure feel the same as you, like many artists of all stripes do. Don’t give up!
Wow, we are the exact same. I also have a huge interest in music :)
My mental health has improved since I became a near-hermit. Everyone is different.
@JDMime Learning 16 personality types from Jungian Analytical Psychology would help for making friends.
My social interactions and managing friendships and relationships got significantly better after I learnt about 16 personality types and how to type other people and identifing internally how their personality traits work according to a system within my mind.
They are 8 different cognitive functions and 16 different personality types, each cognitive function has its own behaviors according to where they are positioned with in the cognitive functions stack order.
You have to first understand how your own type work, theoritical descriptions of each cognitive function.
Watch CS Joseph's first playlist if you are interested.
You can also take a MBTI test to find your type, however test results are not 100% accurate.
I use CS Joseph's typing grid for typing people and understand their traits which was created based on Dr. Linda Berens' interaction styles and temperaments theory. That method can be used to type people fast than any method.
@JDMime Trust me, it is not only for Autistic people that is making friends and keeping relationships is very difficult. There are some very rare personality types within the population like INTP, INTJ.....
Making friends and maintaining relationships are difficult for those people also compared to other types of people because they are very rare and have unique personality traits and also another types who are naturally compaitability with those types are even rarer than them.
Since those rare types have unique and very different personality traits they are also types of people who are mostly misunderstood by the common personality types.
Interesting fact is within the Autistic community these types of people are so common than another type of people!!!
I think Intuitive Introverted types: INTP, INTJ, INFJ, INFP are most common types among the Autistic community and also these types are the most misunderstood.
If you belong to one of these unique type and you are also Autistic, no wonder you feel like that.
Hermit lyfe 4 lyfe.
Same, it's much more relaxing not worrying all the time about how I'm coming across or editing myself all the time. I preferred spending time on my own my whole life, now I don't even know why I was ever trying to have a "normal" social life in the first place.
Totally!! Like Super isolated 🐧
That wasn't a rant at all. You were speaking my language.
Even I get it, and I’m a NT. Definitely not a rant. You rock. 👍
Yeah same
Even though I have Aspergers It is torture but I like football sports im an insane sports freak only way I got friends lmaoooo mostly but that is my escape of life MANNN I love everything boys love but st times can be insanely socially awkward
@@taco2728 I get it haha I’m an aspie girl and I’m into things girls typically like (clothes, makeup, etc.) so I can blend pretty well, but the awkwardness... 😅😂 it’s so bad lol plus that my strongest special interest is in psychology, and I have yet to find anyone who actually wants to spend hours chatting about psych, let alone an aspie who shares my special interest!
I'm not diagnosed with anything, thinking I am somewhere on the spectrum though. This video made me feel like I was listening to myself.
The more I get to know people....the LESS I like them ( mostly)
The problem is not merely socializing. It is good will of people.
Agreed.
OK Odin, here's a song for you: ua-cam.com/video/OUfUAnqRJTQ/v-deo.html
Haha~
I experience this same problem.
Welcome to Finland! You'll find lots of real friends here. Finns don't expect small talk or talking about things that don't interest you. They find you interesting and valuable just the way you are - as a unique person worth knowing.
@Maria Lindell and it is a huge effort to put into
Damn. I would grow in that place.
Sounds like a great place. I wish that was the same here (Australia).
I find it's incredibly hard to make friends in Finland. And I don't understand your further comment about Finns. They won't just talk to you at all or take interest in you (maybe if you are a white foreigner, people will be more curious about you as an exotic animal).
Yes, I dislike small talk too, but if there is going to be "big talk" after small talk, small talk is a necessary evil to find out if we have common interests.
@@identity7845 I'm so sorry to hear that. All people are not nice to each other. And there are subcultural differences in friendliness, too, especially when comparing cities to more rural areas. But I still find that Finns tolerate well many kinds of peculiarities in other peoples behaviour, and are not actively excluding those whom they find different from themselves. They let you just be what you are.
Hey Aspies -find yourself an ADHD friend like me! We're going to be mindful of your feelings and have lots of empathy when your life is hard. We struggle with things that are simple for 'normies', too.
We're often open-books with similar difficulties setting personal boundaries, we'll typically be more willing to forgive when you trespass by accident as a result.
We have so many ideas! We're passionate and may be able to inspire you to investigate new interests. Or at least make you a little curious ;)
You have something to add to our lives as adhders which can make you feel needed/wanted instead of a charity case in relationships. You help ground us spacey adhders, help us make and keep healthy habits, provide logical advice and we love hearing your innovative ideas that are way too early for everyone else to see the genius of.
We're just as happy to skip small talk and rebel against social conventions that don't make sense, right along side you. We often share values like a passion for justice and authenticity. Sharing values can be more effective at helping in forming bonds than simply sharing interests.
We'll attract new friends to you since we're often seen as 'fun and youthful', and some of us are pretty charismatic.
We can balance some of each other's weaknesses.
I have had mostly neurodivergent friends, long before I knew I was an adhder or that my friends were anything but 'normal'. I'm glad now that I know I'm different, that I'm not alone.
dope advice, taking it to heart
Loved this comment! This has been so true for me as well in all the relationships with those in my life who are on the spectrum, particularly Asperger’s. I’ve always been very drawn to people on the spectrum - partly cause of being comfortable since it runs in my family and also because I place a high value on honesty, genuineness and intelligence. Several of the closest people in my life are on the spectrum, and that’s a huge part of why we get along - they help balance my ADHD and we compliment one another well in many ways. It’s a really beautiful thing to experience, especially among the various challenges we both have at times. I feel like those individuals have helped me become a better listener, slowed me down in healthy ways and helped me be more patient - and I bring some more variety and energy and movement to their more routined lifestyles. It’s truly beneficial because they feel heard, loved, accepted and understood with me and I feel seen and valued and appreciated! :)
I can vouch for this 100%. I've had a friend with ADHD for the better part of my life and the relationship has been one of the strongest I've ever had.
I've always seemed to roll with a ADHD wingman - I think without acting and they act without thinking, so we balance out :D
You sound like a really cool person ^_^
When I was in school my father told me if you make one good friend in life count your self lucky and be a good friend to that person.
My grandpa said the EXACT same thing many moons ago❤️
@@tinkerbell4296 yes I have also heard that.x
You have to get sharper to know if people appreciate you as as an individual or as an asset.
And you must be grow stronger to handle the vulnerability to expose yourself to someone at the risk of rejection; you must be willing to face rejection.
I just try to find intelligent people. They're always happy to talk about ideas and theories which are obviously the most interesting things to talk about. We might speak about physics, or genetics, or psychology or socioeconomics, all kinds of things. Even if I don't particularly like the subject matter I'll usually learn something from the conversation and feel intellectually enriched by it.
Also intelligent people tend not to find me as weird as those with average or below average intelligence for some reason. Most intellectuals are a bit odd or eccentric themselves so perhaps that's why.
Luculencia: Maybe that's why men more easily bond with other men, and women with other women. Men like to talk about THINGS, the physical universe, principles and logic. Women like to talk about FEELINGS, which are fluid, subjective and don't follow any rules of logic or rationality.
@@jbr84tx I don't know. I'm female, and I like to talk about ideas and concepts rather than anything else. The nerdier the better. I have noticed guys will talk more about tech and gadgets and women more about people and relationships, in general. But I've had nerdy science talks with both genders.
@@Luculencia I think you are not typical. Note how 'chick flicks' are all about relationships and the drama around them, while 'men flix' are often about physical conflict, strategy, technology, (used for good or evil), Artificial Intelligence, and things like that.
@@jbr84tx Hollywood is a bad marker for the real world though. Like horrendously bad. Plus they generalize the crap out of movies to appeal to the widest possible audience to crank up the ROI.
I don't think it's wrong to point out the inherent qualities that come with each gender and how society has accentuated those. Women typically are more emotionally and people focused and men are typically more logic and problem solving focused. I also think that's more a product of sociology then biology though. Like how someone can be born with an incredible singing voice but if they never practice they'll never realize their potential and may even end up unable to sing in the future.
I have 2 sisters and yet there's times where I'm clearly more "feminine" then they are. I've also dated a couple women who could not only beat me in a wrestling match but they're football loving, beer drinking, dress wearing, societal-norm-opposing, and smart. I've met skater girls, tom boys, plenty of women who played sports at various levels including a couple of women who were on their way to the Olympics (and were both very girly). I'll never deny the biology is there; we just can't rule out how a person lives and is raised.
In a society hell bent on encouraging ignorance and condoning intelligence, it's very depressing and very hard to find friends.
My animals are my friends , 2 birds , 2 dogs and 2 cats. Since i was a child ive always had a dog. Animals are my world. Thankful for finding your channel.
animals are great. I have one cat. yes this channel is really good
Me 2
You're better off with animals than humans in my opinion truth ....
@@suavo2252 In my experience, animals have always been far easier to be with than people. I trust animals. People, not so much. Better off happy with my cat than being around people.
When I was 8, me and my group of mates used to go to the library during school breaks and fold origami.
Firstly, how on earth could I have ever been so lucky to find those guys? And secondly, I have never found any connection with people like that since. Truly an amazing memory to have .
Eys
My wise mother always said friends are there only for the good times,not the hard times. The ones that stick around for the hard times, count them as your family.
And people think I’m crazy for only wanting super close bonds
My family has always been the first to dip, and I have never been able to maintain any form of relationship in my entire life. The longer I know someone, the more exhausting it becomes to be around them.
@@ianwells7916 felt.
I’m going to use this to help my son. Thank you mom from me please 😘
@@ianwells7916 unfortunately, yes.
One benefit of being a "loner" is I just don't care if I have friends or not. Sure, friends can be nice. Friends can make life easier sometimes. Occasionally, it's nice to have someone to talk to. However, it doesn't bother me if I have no friends. The most friends I have ever had at any one time was about five. It's hard to become my friend and easy for me to stop being friends.
That last sentence describes perfectly how our social life goes
You described how I feel perfectly
only a handful of people can achieve not caring if they have friends. And the ones who do miss out on so many things, when they stop trying. Idk it could be better than being depressed and having noone
For some time though.. Thats what i thought too. Then complete isolation and solitude started changing me. I found myself unable to do even basic social things. And you have to do them sooner or later. But when you are alone for so long, it gets hard to fit in somewhere, if you can fit again at all... Whether we like it or not, total disconection is not good.
You WILL go crazy if you are alone for too long. Everybody needs other people to stay grounded.
Having “friends” is overrated IMO. I don’t have time or energy to deal with people outside of my family and coworkers. Having friends means more drama at times too. I prefer dogs myself.
I agree 💯 🐶😁
Me too, preferring dogs I mean, makes sense since we are both doggies anyway 🐕
Animals are amazing It is weird I the tiem when I have no animals
When I didn't have animals for a bit untik we got a wild kitty thay became are friend dlowlu and started toctrust us lol.
I think my only friend is my ESA at the moment. Though I would like to change that sometime.
It is so hard to talk about things I like... I get the feeling that I'm annoying. I love books. I'm a writer and I born in a country that few people like to read. That's so difficult.
yeah, unfortunately if someone's not interested it's hard to talk about it. The trick is looking in the right places to find people who are interested.
That's the tough part of being aspie. Sometimes, it's easier to talk to strangers than your friends. It's sad.
Hi. It’s not hard for me to talk about the things I love. The problem is that others seem to be bored and tune me out. I don’t understand this..
I share in that feeling. How to write for those who don't read? you don't, you write for yourself. :)
me too I just don't think anyone is as interesting and sweet and kind and funny as my cats.
I'm 57.
I don't do superficial.
When you realize you never had friends..they were just manipulating your entire life.
I'm really sorry you haven't had friends in full sense if word
@@AnnaIsHere someday
Aspies like us need a friend like jesus ;(
@Diogenes 。? Aspie Christian
They were not friends. They were control freaks having you as useful fool.
I’ve been diagnosed, unmasked, and managing well for awhile. Why did this video make me cry? I think the struggle of losing friends always sits quietly in our minds bc we try so very hard.
I gave up on this about 20 years ago. I consider every living creature on earth my friend. Humans excluded. Good video on how important friends are in the modern world.
Same, I've given up on the world by now.
@@brucewayne3074 I have given up on trying to make thier lives better. I have better results talking to my dogs 😂
"Humans excluded." Love it.
@@kepstein8888 Humans excluded, indeed! They, humans are the animal I like the least. I have been known to call them (myself included) “The Feces Species”. I am very misanthropic. I prefer animals and nature to TV and people, from as early as I can remember.
As Aspies, we're known for having deep interests in specific topics, but sometimes those interests become a prison to us. When we becoming pathologically incapable of venturing outside of those interests, it becomes off-putting to the perspective friends. It's the inability to empathize with the interests of others that becomes isolating. We limit ourselves by only allowing ourselves to form relationships around common interests. Sometimes people will talk to me about subjects I'm not interested in, but I get that it's important to them. People respect that you're willing to listen to them, even if it's a subject that you don't have a lot of strong feelings about.
Cleverist comment on the thread
Good point. An example of give and take. I'll think of this more now.
You have to have things in common, small talk doesn't last long and is boring when over done.
I have a friend like this...we usually online chat or about 2 or 3 hours about 4 times a week...and its basically him talking about his special interests the entire time...Its not so bad because I also share in his interests (video games) but it wears on me because he will talk about his experiences and what he played that day and never really wanting to hear my experiences, or talk about what games I played...he very rarely ever asks me a question lol. Honestly I just enjoy being a friend and mentor to him, but damn sometimes it can kinda makes me feel a bit ignored or depressed lol thankfully I have other friends who are super social so it fills that void nicely lol just...advise to ppl with Aspergers...just make it a rule when chatting with people to at least ask a couple of questions during the conversation :) it will make all the difference!
This is a great comment and I wrote a comment to the video which is somewhat related. I'll paste it here too.
"Relationships are about compromise - you're not going to find someone who is an identical copy of yourself. You lose your friends when you believe you need to be a perfect fit. Why people like going to the pub and have a few beers with friends? Well because people have a lot of different interests and hobbies - but meeting up and talking about them/other things are a great way to build bridges with people. Alcohol is a good social lubricant for a lot of people but it's definitely not a necessity. You could go for a coffee if you feel beer isn't your thing - or that one beer you said you like is perfect. I have close friends for life that I have no similar hobbies with but our common interest and the things we share are emotional. We have history, an emotional tie, knowledge about one's feelings and situations. That's what keeps friends. The common interests and hobbies are a fantastic way to make NEW friends - but it's not how you keep them. If that's how you keep them - then you'll eventually lose them when one of you move on from the hobby or when your relationship doesn't become more than just two people doing the same thing together. If common interests were the driving factor you'd be great friends with all co-workers you have since you spend most of your days doing the same things."
Basically what I mean is that if you don't form a new dynamic where you can change the context of your friendship and still be friends - you might have troubles staying in touch down the line. The last sentence you wrote is fantastic and something everyone (Aspie or not) should listen to. You don't need to listen for hours about stuff you're not interested in - but a peak into someone's life and hobbies is great. You might find a new interest and you might become closer. That's also why it's nice to talk to someone with a very deep particular interest. When someone is really passionate about something - it's great to hear them explain why they love it (as long as they know when to calm down and talk about something else for a while :D).
I understand completely. It’s difficult for empaths too. I’ve learned to enjoy my own
Company . Too much noise and weird energy coming from people sets me off and turns me away.
Feels instantly like emotional manipulation beams - I feel that too.
Same here
It's especially difficult when you finally realized that friend was an "emotion vampire "...
Being both an Aspie and an empath is twice the challenge.
@@Eowyn3Pride That has happened to me a few times. I’ve given my heart and devoted friendship to people only to find out they were using me.
You said a critical thing Paul, when you need the support from a real friend who is there good or bad. Friends of 8 years have bailed since I just got my ASD diagnosis saying it’s going to an excuse I’ll use for meltdowns. I’ve spent the last 30 years working through chronic depression, periodic anxiety using the tools I’ve accumulated since my 20s. These “friends” one has a schizophrenic mother the other has chronic and medicated anxiety issues, know my history and effort,yes I feel betrayed.
Reliable and trustworthy caring friends are priceless
Please keep making these vids. You give practical advice that can actually be implemented in real world situations. This is extremely beneficial and they make me try harder to do things I really don't want to. It's improving my standard of living greatly
Katherine Wilson good to hear. Thanks for the encouragement and feedback :)
My 13 year old daughter has aspergers. In addition, she does not care about make-up,sports,popular music, hair,clothes,boys or anything girly that the gals her age are talking about. She wants friends and my heart is heavy as I see her continually misfiring when it comes to connecting with others. Her focus is writing, drawing, classical music and animal welfare. If you are not talking about these subjects she tunes out. I have looked for support groups for parents/families but they are all too far away. When you said "keep trying" I thought to myself "that is all Ican do" . They need to bring back fairy god mothers! Thanks for sharing.
You're welcome - I like your phrase "it's all we can do"
I had to force myself to be interested in those typical girly things when I was her age in order to make friends and survive. I'm approaching my 30s and I find myself slipping back into my natural state of being. Please reassure her that it's ok she's not interested in things others her age are interested in and to not compromise her true self for the sake of "fitting in".
She may experience a lot of name calling from her peer group. Let her know that this may come. Keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know that you are there for her and will help her figure it all out. Also let her know that most of these verbal attacks will end as she leaves high school. Then she can start to recover from the experience.
The biggest thing you can do--that you're already doing--is to let her know she's loved and accepted.
send her to an art class for kids in your area or start one...send her to volunteer at the local spca...she wil meet similarly interested kids at both venues
I found out this week that I have Asperger's. I was told since 4th grade I have an above average IQ (130+) and was never actually suspected by anyone to be on the spectrum. It's been a rough journey because I am 18 and just started my first semester at college and have 1 friend. My roommate is cool but he doesn't get it. I've been trying so hard every day just to function and this channel makes that much easier. Thank you for all the uploads and you keep doing you man.
you're strong man
its hard but youll figure it out
At least you now know why you are different from the NT-population. I can understand that it was a rough time. I was the weirdo in the family, at school, at the university and in the workplaces. However, I cannot complain: I made my way. Yes, this channel is a good medium to understand things. But everyone is different and has other needs and abilities. Which means that everyone has to find his own way. An above average IQ is not a guarantee, but a good start to compensate side-effects, especially in workplaces. Unconditional friends are very very rare. I know only a few people. Most of the other so called "friends" will contact me only if they need something. Fortunately I made my way without having to rely on other people. It won't get easier, but I'm sure you will make your way. Take care!
Join some clubs based around things you like. Shared interests are the best way to make friends and it will give you a bunch in common that you can talk about, making conversation flow a lot easier. College is a great place to do this too as there are usually clubs for almost everything 😁 good luck. Being on the spectrum doesn't mean you can't be successful and happy x
How are you feeling currently?
People who aren't on the spectrum experience this as well. Not as much, so I understand your pain, but it's difficult for everyone to make real friends. There are so many people who are mean to people who are nice. They use and abuse them. I allowed that to happen to me several times, but I'm extremely cautious now. I finally understand my value, and I'm never going to have any type of relationship with anyone who doesn't treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve.
I suspect I have aspergers and have had this problem for my entire life. The only way I've found around this problem is to ask people "what have you thought about lately?" when the conversation starts to get boring. Their reaction to this question is also very telling (to me, at least).
I can't even picture how to ask that. What do people say to that question?
@@cas1652 I'm very extroverted, so I just ask the question, like you would ask any other such as "how's your sister doing?" or "how was your weekend?" I get all sorts of replies and conversations get very interesting. People usually talk their opinions on media they've consumed in the past days, whatever political/social issues currently going on, different things they've experienced recently, etc. It's a very cool way to both get to know someone new and also talk to old friends.
I like that idea
@@iLoveSkinsUK1 ty for the advice. i like it when people share stuff about themselves freely so we have things to talk about.
oh that's such a good question
I've watched a few of your videos. You have no idea how much you and the subscriber community is helping me understand myself.
My dog died last year and I feel lost. For 14 years we did everything together.
I hate sports, don't watch TV, don't drink or want to talk about politics or have a a superficial conversation.
Thanks for all the topics you cover and for making the videos.
sometimes I can amuse myself all day by doing nothing, and staring into space, its great !!
Oh wow, I can do that too, love it.
Thats cool!
I usually, however, go on the internet.!
Same here basking in my own company
i find that i have times when i dont wanna talk so i ignore a friends call...and then they stop calling and i think..oh they dont care about me so i lose yet another friend. its not their fault but i cant find in myself to call them months later and explain whats wrong with me as i think they wont understand. lost so many friends that way
Adam denhan I have thé same problem...
Same here...:/
James Kramer Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Eni Ren I'm 17
I don't like texting and people prefer that to calls now. I don't like texts like hi how are you? I just think do you really care If I tell you the truth, it's shallow and meaningless. If they are real friends they will come to your door or right you a letter if they care. I am a very loyal person but rarely get the same back. I have just thrown my mobile phone away last week as only 2 people texted me and never called .
For high school kids, QUANTITY of friends is important to them.
As an adult, QUALITY is more important.
I’d rather have 2 or 3 true friends than 100 “associates”.
Less true for autistics/Aspies... we tend to reject people who are inauthentic, so even as little kids, fairweather friends and acquaintances seldom impress an aspie/autistic. Even in Kindergarten I preferred to play by myself because I couldn't stand the social cliques or my "friends" (playmates) who would play with me one day and ignore me the next...
I've always preferred quality over quantity. For all of my elementary school experience I had one best friend. And I was very happy! Then she stopped being friends with me. But now I have two best friends and that is it. And I am still happy with a small amount of high quality relationships.
You need both quality and quantity. Personally I would be bored just having a few of the same friends and much better to expand networks
sounds like you're close to being neurotypical then @@jakemorris8903
Friendships built only on common interests are never true friendships. True friends are hard to find. God bless you
I used to have the odd friend, but they always seemed to end up bullying me or trying to con me out of money ☹️ I talk to my car when I’m driving along.
I am just learning to drive, do you enjoy it? 👍
Talk to me
My son is exactly the same way. As a mum, it stresses me out thinking about when my time comes. I'm my sons "bouncer" so to speak. I feel like I'd be leaving a goldfish in a tank of sharks. No other family or friends to care about him. 😔
@@jomomma5281 keep your head up 😎 you will find a good set of friends. I get on with people that are a lot older than me 🙂 it's taken me a few maybe 15 years to break off a bad friendship, I feel like I have given up cash, days hours and part of my soul trying to be a supportive friend. Its been chucked in my face I got lied to coned out of money. If you are stuck try small talk with people for a bit, you will end up making someone's day a bit brighter🔆try and remember key things helped me out. You are worth it
Go for gold
@@mellowed9655 Thank-you for your kind words. I'm trying to get my son to watch this channel. He needs to see other people that feel the same way. 😊
I am starting to think that i must be a very lucky Aspie - I don't actually want friends. I currently have 2. And i am quite happy. Its just how my brain is wired. I really don't dislike people but i find then in many ways to be very hard work. If i have a social event or worse a family thing to attend i will for a couple of days feel completely exhausted.
I have one good friend who leaves me alone until one of us needs something or has something special going on. Then we help each other "hide the body" (so to speak, never literally ... yet [jk]) and go back to our separate lives.
Seriously! I feel this. Sometimes all I want to do is talk about what I'm interested in and can't find someone to do that with, somethings I don't feel like putting out the extra energy to engage with people in something I'm not interested it. That has totally been a problem. I've gone out of my way to try and connected with people on thinks I thought they'd like and it didn't really pan out.
yeah, trying to change too much for other people never pans out - in my experience.
azzymj l
Agree and relate to that as well
In my experience, this hasn’t been easy for me and not just because I have Aspergers but because of my appearance (which is up for debate). Friendships are built on commonalities, but you can still be friends with people who don’t have entirely the same things in common and find middle ground. Having too many friends can be a problems because it can be difficult to distinguish who your real friends are. And it’s so much better being friends with people who truly accept you for who you are 😊
I don’t have aspergers and I am the same. Good friends are hard to find and really hard to keep. I’m 75 and I’m still working hard at it, I think it’s fairly common. I enjoy being around animals, they’re so great. And yes, I do have a few close friends now, but I make sure I do my part.
Hi Maxine, I would like to be your friend. 😁
I totally understand you. You are pretty much not interested in all the things I'm not interested either. And I have the same Problems. Friends are mostly conditional. Rarely one finds friends that are unconditional.
I'm friendless all my life. Hard to go through but I had to manage, had no other choice.
I have a few friends online but none nearby. And that's ok.
Yes, friends are a blessing when the friendship is not lopsided.
Otherwise it is a no making sense "friendship"
It is very frustrating.
Ariella S. I so wish there were more unconditional friendships out there!
Go to corporate shows, auction houses, museums for lecture nights or universities for the same, join or create meet-up groups, enjoy pen pals (mail or electronic).
Clare Kuehn You have absolutely no idea. Why would I walk around amongst a group of people I cannot communicate with?? Most As. really only need a partner, someone to filter the world, just a little. Then we are fine. My life was almost perfect when I had someone I could rely on to tell me to shut up, or smile, etc.
My son is on the autism spectrum and I worry so much for him about having friends. He is 7, but I see other children reject him often and not understand him when we go to playgrounds and such. He does have a couple of consistent friendships at school. I unfortunately don't live near many other children so he is somewhat socially isolated outside of school unless I take him somewhere with other children. I tried to get him into a sport this year, but he didn't want to do it and I wasn't going to force him. I have always encouraged him to be himself and nurtured his interests. I wish there was a lego or gamer club in my city for his age group. He has a lot of interests that are somewhat advanced for his age. I do hope he goes into adulthood with the same confidence to remain authentic and surround himself with those that really appreciate him and get him. Thanks for he videos.
I see you wrote this a year ago but I’ll respond anyway. My father, whom I never liked much, and who never helped much, forced me to run track in high school. I wasn’t much good, but it was good for me, and I made friends and learned a lot of valuable things about myself. It will help your son to push him to participate and try things. It will be good for him and he can deal with it. Don’t let him rear himself. BTW, you rear children and raise corn. Good luck.
Can you find a community where people are better and teaching their kids to be more intelligent and understanding?
Maybe camp or other social events for children?
I'm in the spectrum and I have lots of interests, such as computer games, tennis, bodybuilding, girls, wrestling, cars/mechanics, etc. The problem is neurotypicals are just not loyal. I can meet a new friend for a couple of times and then I never hear from them again. Truth is they don't like us and you know what, it's fine. Had this happen to me dozens upon dozens of times.
My experience of this is that most NTs just put very little 'effort' into making friends - possibly because it happens so easily and often for them. The result is that if it doesn't 'happen by itself' they don't do anything. Unfortunately this often means a LOT of extra work on our part to 'make it happen' - so yes, I understand what you mean!
Aspergers from the Inside you nailed exactly what I meant by my comment. For example I'm the only one who calls my NT ''friends'' and don't get any calls in return. In contrast, growing up I had many NT friends and we always played on the street after we got home from school for many years and hung out until my late teens. However, I found that Neurotipicals change as they grow old, right now I meet plenty of people, I'm not socially inept, I'm a quiet and optimistic guy with a nice sense of humor, but I can't make new friends or convert these acquaintances into friends. As a matter and fact, I can count friends I have now with a single finger and she (ex-gf) lives across the globe.
As an NT, I want to respectfully disagree with a few things in the comments here.
1. Not all NTs are disloyal friends. Honestly...that's like saying all aspies are anti social. Neither is true. But I think because of the social skill differences in both, the gap may make YOU think an NT isnt loyal...but have you ever asked one WHY they may not call you? Or why they stopped talking to you?
2. Friends, to those of us over the age of 30, is not a term we throw around lightly. Just because I hung out with someone 2x and had drinks with them after work doesn't make them my "friend". I refuse to use that term loosely as it is. So I have to ask...what makes you think these people are your "friend"? Have they been there for you in your time of need? Have they helped you? Have YOU been there for them in their time of need? It goes both way...but until someone has proven themselves, you cant just call then a friend! 🤨
3. This may NOT be what you want to hear...but it is the truth: where an aspie may see themselves as 'blending in', NTs see through it. And the aspies quirks and all may and can make NTs uncomfortable. Sometimes the aspie may come on too strong...or be too distant. Although the aspie may be funny and kind, they may not be able to hold a convo outside of their special interest...and so the NT, not interested in talking about the same thing over and over, will become distant. Thus when the 'friendship' may seem to fall off.
There are SO many factors that could lend to an NT falling back from associating with someone, just as aspies have their reasons for isolation or the quirks they have. Thing is, unless YOU ask for a reason, it isnt fair to assume - from the NT or aspie side. I had an aspie I was friendly with, who keeping it 100 (real), I could only take in small doses. That may sound cruel, but understand that she was extremely socially awkward and had a hard time functioning in crowds or groups. She repeatedly talked about statistics and golf...and was very clingy. Phone convo attempts (unless they were about her fav topics) were met with silence on her end. THAT was frustrating for me (as I'm sure it was for her too). I have no interest in stats...and I cant stand clingy people (,men or women) , yet I am an extrovert and very social. So I was FRIENDLY towards her and tried to incl her in outings, but in my mind she was not a friend. I couldnt confide in her...I couldnt hang out with her unless it was on her terms based on her limitations...we couldnt talk about a lot of my interests as she would tune out or take over the convo. So you see what I mean? Not wanting to be someone's friend doesnt mske s person disloyal - sometimes it just isnt a good FIT! And that should be ok...
A V Thanks for replying. I hope you realize with your Point 3) you are confirming what I just said: NTs (I didn't say there are no exceptions but in general) don't like Aspies. I haven't asked NT's why, and honestly, I'm not interested to know why they don't like me, why would I, so I could change for them?
As a matter and fact, it's NTs who always insist that I should go out with them, and keep bugging me at work, or by means of acquaintances, to go out with them until I do accept their invitations. However after I do, I never hear from them again. This is why I do not ''hang out'' with NTs anymore. I feel I'm being used by them. Like if they just want to use me for their entertainment, curiosity or killing time. In other words, why would I want to go out with someone I will probably never see again in my life ? I have better things to do. I find crowds and groups, and their underlying struggle for hierarchical dominance risible. Sometimes it's not only that Aspies might not know how to function in these frames, but that they do not CARE for them.
If you are as you say, an extrovert yourself, I would then deem you as ''clingy'. As were the other countless extroverts I've met. In my experience, and I may be wrong, most Aspies are not clingy, many are introverts who prefer to be by themselves, and occasionally like to socialize. Extroverts, like yourself, in contrast, cannot bear to keep to yourselves for too long, be it in contemplation, prayer, reading, writing and etc, and always need social stimulus; now that would be my definition of ''clingy''. So I don't see how Aspies could be clingy, maybe the particular one you met. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like it's a matter of ''us vs. them'', but I'm trying to be blunt here.
I think your definition of a friend is too strict. I'm 38 years old, I'm an M.D with some experience in life. I do not think there is such a thing as a ''friend who would help you when you are in need''. How old are you? You may be surprised to know in the future, that people who you thought were you ''friends'', will not be there for you when you are REALLY in need. I mean in drastic need, how many? Zero, zilch, nada. That person who would truly be there for you might be a family member (if you're lucky), yourself, or Logos Incarnate Himself (Christ, that so many today put so much effort into rejecting). Again, it's nice to hear your perspective, but you should know there are many aspies who are not like your friend as well. An Aspie would NOT tune out from what her NT friend was trying to say, just because it's outside the Aspie's intererest zone. In fact, I think we Aspies, can be way more emphatic than NTs.
Daniel Jahn Daniel Jahn I respect your viewpoint but you may have the wrong definition of clingy. Clingy being "constantly around...always at your side" which the girl was. I was her ONLY associate outside of her family...and she would tend to gravitate to me and only me. In MY mind, that was clingy. Being an extrovert does not go hand-in-hand with being clingy, so I challenge that notion there. I love being social and around people, yes. Am I "up anyones butt" so to speak - never. Do I follow people around? Never. Am i constantly looking for people to be around? No to that too. So I think the definition you are following just may be a bit skewed. Not one person has ever labeled me as clingy...except you - today. 😏. This is a 1st lol. But that is a prime example of perception and the diff between NTs and Aspies. You assume one thing from MY point of view as an NT...and for the record I enjoy being in a quiet place, reading a magazine, or listening to relaxing music JUST as much as I enjoy being around my friends and going out. Dont assume I am unbalanced...or that NTs are.
To say NTs dont like aspies is ridiculous!!! We may not understand aspies...we may be UNCOMFORTABLE around aspies...but that doesnt mean dont flat out like them. Thay is a negative generalization that is incorrect. I dont know YOU, and you are an aspie. You very well could be an amazing person - and you and could have a lot in common...or not. But I refuse to make a general statement on ALL aspies, and I would never write people off because of that either. Shoot...who am I to judge?
You also spoke on the definition of FRIENDS. All you have to do is look up the definition - clear as day. It is reciprocity and support, things in common, etc. That is what I meant by being there for others and them doing the same for you. For the record, I'm over 35...and although my circle has dwindled down (due to marriages, kids, moving away, jobs, etc) - my core group of friends remains intact and has for years. Mind you all my friends also have groups of real friendships they rely on! We support each other emotionally and physically when needed, we check up on each other, and I know IF ever needed - I can count on them to help me (and they have). We plan trips together and all. That is real friendship. If you dont have that, then those people arent "friends". Going to happy hour with a coworker doesnt make them your friend. Having a few convos in the caf over lunch doesnt either. I think that may be where things get lost in translation between NT and aspie versions of what each believes a friend should be. For instance, I have an ex who was an aspie. He had people who were nice to him, they were friendly towards him, but they never incl him in their outings, they didnt call him to check up on him (he didnt call them either), he wasnt invited to their bday parties or weddings. Yet...in his mind...these were his "friends". It boggles my mind how he called these guys his friends yet not one of them did ANYTHING outside of talk to him at work and be friendly. That was it. Showing that his definition of "friends" was off. Needless to say once he understood that these coworkers were not hos real friends (and just associates) he began to hate everyone! It was confusing - he wanted to belong and have friends, but was also very vocal about hating everyone and labeling everyone as fake?! Again...proving my point on the difference between perception and also being friendly/having friends.
I really appreciate you sharing yourside of things though. It helps me understand a little more...the aspie way of thinking. 😊
I have absolutely no friends except my wife and son, that’s it.
Family is far more important than any fair weather friend, any day!
Good for you that females live longer than males))
You're better off mate
Ditto
This is why I had nine kids. I had to grow my own friends. (Now that half of them are adults it’s really so much fun to have a whole group of awesome people to hang out with!)
Having friends is overrated anyway. I'm nearly 60 and have 1 best friend. I'm good with that!
for me it became a problem when the couple of very close friends I had moved away for work reasons
What is wrong with you? "Having friends is overrated...I have a best friend!"
Let's see how you'd fare at your age without your best friend. Probably not so great. Meanwhile the rest of us who are unable to find our one real friend will continue to suffer.
@@CarboKill It is hard to find people with good will.
I don't even have a best friend. Actually I have a lot of people who are busy, who have priorities that do not involve me. That's about the extent of my friendship.
im 22. i resonate with this video but i have not been diagnosed as autistic. my entire childhood into university has been spent not being able to find friends or have a sense of belonging. it was always exhausting or i felt way too different/found it difficult to talk about my special interests with anyone. so i tried rethinking making friends in person and tried the internet. i tried joining groups revolving around my special interests but no one wanted to talk further about it with me. so i have given up. im tired of the last decade and wasting my energies into being someone else and trying to fit in with others. i find it is easier to be by myself. i also like spending time with animals. i am interested in being assessed for autism but i dont believe the diagnosis will make any significant changes to my life. i am just comforted that i am finally being able to relate my experiences to others for once and feel normal.
would you be open to updating us on your views a year on? how are you doing now? i'm in a similar situation and i am 22 currently, honestly my friends are great people but we don't really 'connect' or do we really talk outside of the weekly meet up and i've found a lot more enjoyment in life by doing things solo, but seeing people enjoying things together whether as friends or with partners in public gets to me sometimes when i realise its just not possible for me. (...maybe in the future? idk)
I used to drink alcohol, and smoke pot, but it was never anything I wanted to talk a lot about. Invariably fell into the rut of wanting it constantly because I was using it to mask. Have always been challenged to making friends - really identify with what you're saying. Appreciate your openness, and honesty. I can see your effort, and risk in expressing it.
@@Whocareslol420 Hey! Take it easy on yourself! If you expect the worst, it will happen. Expect the best, and it will happen.
Thank you for this. I have Aspergers and find keeping and making friends impossible
Me to I have always been crap at it so I don't bother now I am much happier on my own
Jack Lampin bro, tell me more. Yes, there is hope. Researchers are getting closer to a cure every day.
But can you explain me what makes you tired ? Is it your lack of expression ? Or is it just your lack of common interest with other people ?
@@lucyllewellyn2850 I wish I could say that but it's so draining seeing others in their friend groups on social media
I’ve just survived a Christmas Day feeling everything you described here
spot on about having difficulties of finding friends not due to a lack of social skills but rather a lack of common interests. Great insight.
Thanks.......friends are crucial for mental & emotional health.
Emotional health perhaps, mental is debatable, depends on the individual, but having contact with people overall is essential to survive in this world even if they aren't necessary your friends
@@DarknessIsThePath : not talking about "IQ".....Quote: ".having people overall is essential".....IS good for your mental health
Truth!
they can also destroy your wellbeing, self esteem and sense of purpose, so choose them wisely, don't be too co-dependant.
you can count me as one of your friends :-)
I have really given up on trying to meet new people, it is perhaps a comfort level too. I like my own time and hobbies much more than being with someone just to be with someone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Sometimes you can feel lonely in a group much more than being alone by yourself.
I like what you shared. I relate strongly. In my experience as someone with aspergers, from what i can discern, another barrier is that people (in general) choose friends on the basis of feelings. I unintentionally create awkwardness, this creates unpleasant feelings, so most people are disinclined to be my friend, no matter what i have to offer, even if we can relate on a shared interest, even if i can be helpful in an area of need. Ive seen it repeatedly, people distancing themselves from me as they become familiar with my unintentional tendency to create awkwardness. Having it all with no one to call is horrible for an extreme extrovert with aspergers. Ive not been able to get anyone to have a maintained interest in my friendship of their own initiative. At best, i have seasons of people who tolerate me with basic politeness. If i dare try to reach out for an in depth friendship, i can expect to be treated like my efforts to be a friend are a rude intrusion. Its horrible, in crowds, knowing anyone could be a friend to me if they only chose to, but knowing virtually none of them would want to, no matter what i have to offer. It seems im a displeasure/burden to everyone. Its hard to identify a purpose to my existence. I feel selfish not sharing what i have to offer, but no one wants what i have to offer if it comes from me.
I don't really understand "feelings" and how to manipulate them. I'm in the same boat, no best friends, just a group of people who will tolerate me with politeness, but will make no effort to make time for me or make me feel welcome. Basically they are always busy and very easy for me to escape their thought completely. It becomes tiring to try to message them every so often to let them know I am still alive, because otherwise I hear not a peep from anyone. I'd prefer that they reach out to me but most the time it does not happen.
In fact people will subconsciously try to get rid of me and even associate me with very dangerous labels that leads to false imprisonment and exile. The worst thing is, the harder you try to reach out to them, the harder they push you away.
i can relate to you word for word. Thanks for sharing here.
Friends are not an option. Good listening to you. You are a great communicator who happens to have Aspergers.
I’ve never had a model of someone “keeping a friend”. I’ve been told that I should go to a place the same time on a certain day every week - Ex. Join the excersize group at 9:00 am every Tuesday & Thursday.
We Aspies have to stay together! You can count me in as your friend. Thank you for your videos.
You have helped me understand my adult son. I love him so much & want to understand him more. Thank you. You are amazing!
I remember a aspie friend who enjoyed telling detailed stories about things he have learned about often special kind of animals to us (his friends) on the bus and we all appreciated it alot! A certain thing we all had as a common interest tho was playing roleplaying games, the the paper and dice kind. Im thinking that everyone are different and that is nice! We all bring something to the table. And being in hermit mode is good for the health aswell. :)
I am a person who has no filters when I talk, so it is easy to offend someone without knowing it. People think I am rude and inconsiderate. I am quite blunt when I talk. I just can’t sugar coat words. Usually words just come out of my mouth. I have very select friends. I really think people think I am crazy. I noticed that you still had your jacket on, so it made me wonder what you may have experienced and you seemed upset. I am glad that you were able to be so direct. You are a rather select person and quite unique. Thank you for being open.
I think my husband has aspergers but undiagnosed. So much of what you reveal about yourself rings true. You are a good speaker. Thank you!
All of your videos have been great and I can relate to most of them as a 30-something aspie, but honestly when you mentioned cryptic crosswords my smile went from cheek to cheek. Words and language are probably my main aspie selective interest and I feel like I'm the only person who actually does cryptics.
I'm with you on the authentic friends. I've had some friendships fade out and they stopped including me in stuff because I didn't maintain the social stuff as much as what was expected. But I have a select group of friends who understand, not necessarily that I have Asperger's, but that I don't always have the energy to keep up with stuff.
I'd rather have friends that I only hang out with once a month or less but we're solid every time, than acquaintances that guilt trip me into hanging out every week then stop inviting me.
Thanks for being so vulnerable. I totally empathize. I actually passed up going to the beach yesterday with a cool couple I recently met through another friend. They really seemed like people I'd like to have as friends, but I was so intimidated that I passed it up. Basically out of fear that I would be too uninteresting to maintain a conversation for the day. I know this is wrong thinking, but numerous pass instances have told me that there is a 50/50 chance I'll find myself in some sort of awkward situation, which is almost debilitating for me. I'm not complacent with these feelings, I try to fight them, and often this pays off, but they are legitimate at the same time. eternal struggle lol . Feels good to know that I'm not alone. I guess I'm similar to you in that I come off as someone who would not have a problem with this, so i think its throws people off when it happens.
The fact that I was drinking a lot helped me a lot during my uni years. My social anxiety almost dies off when I'm drunk and I can enjoy the situation.
I had friends in high school, but haven’t had friends since. It’s really hard because I want friends so badly but don’t know how to meet people or turn those people into friends. It’s hard not to give up. I’m glad other people feel the same.
You could start a practicing a sport. It doesn't matter if you don't like any; choose the "less worse" one. Then, try to be as social as posible. If you are not "young enough" for that, then you might be interested on gardening.
THANK YOU! I feel this so much. I'm in Australia, 20 year old male. I've always had this issue and I've never understood why. It's so amazing to hear somebody else talk about this!
I can totally relate. Thank you for your honesty. I actually find that a good psychological novel allows me to enrich myself from the intimate experience of others. I find that very helpful when I need company and there's no-one I can talk to or relate to.
Thanks for being so open and honest. I’ve also had trouble finding friends over the years.
are human friends worth the hasstle when they keep rejecting me?
Not really, unless they are deep or sincere. They're out there. But self love is the best. I did Melanie Tonia Evans course (an online book for $25) for self love - and it changed my life. After that, I didn't need anyone.
You could try to find a group on Discord. It worked for me, so maybe it’ll work for you.
That's a big negative
They're worth it if they love and accept you for who you are
I have felt like this since my birth in 1984
I enjoyed this video.
I had two friends in my childhood and twenties.
I got tired of their ease of lying, faking things and such. We did had fun, hung out, drank beer...even when we were 17.
Nice guys but the "playing the game" was too exhausting for me. I could not fake lying, eye contact...the change when being other people to impress them and such....
Both are gone now...I am only 53. Both passed at around age 43.
I learned a lot from them. They learned a lot from me.
Me too. Moi aussi. I am old style, big time. I am a scholar of books, reading, classics and language. Am told I could be a teacher! Or a Professor. Thought terrifies me. Friend's I have, I have maintained since mid 1990's. Almost impossible for me to go out now and make friends. Thank you sir. 2022. Lafayette, Colorado. USA.
Its interesting, because me at the moment i have no... True Friends. No one close enough that i can talk to about everything. No common interests, which i Really need. So i shall keep on my journey to hopefully find a good friends who accepts me for me. ty for this video
You're welcome. Good luck :)
I don't really have anything that I'm passionate about, sometimes I find things that interest me for a time, but then I usually move on, none of those hyper focuses and special interests I'm supposed to have. So forget common interests when you don't really have interests to begin with. And the few things I do on a mostly daily basis aren't something I like talking about. I do like talking to people though, but I generally don't want to share anything about myself, because none of it constitutes as funny, just tragic and depressing. So it's hard to create a future when you need to pretend you don't have a past.
Yes EXACTLY!! This is all so very true & well- said.
And it's extremely difficult to find folks who want to talk about my interests to the depth & detail that I do. But I enjoy it immensely when I do find them (usually other people who have various processing "disorders" or are neurologically different).
Listen, your thoughts are so great & helpful that you don't even have to have a point... and I get a great deal out of hearing you candidly explore your thoughts and figure out your point along the way (I don't automatically enjoy that with everyone, but you bring honest substance, helpful thought-trains, revealing processing, humble strength, good "rants"! 🖒☺ )
You've just hit the nail on the head of why it's hard for me to make or maintain friendships. Good on you for explaining it so easily from our prospective. Keep it up, not everyone can easily word things so simply about their condition so that someone else can understand it fluently
The videos you produce which are raw and emotional and unfiltered are the most beneficial to me. I am the father of a 24 year old son that may be possibly dealing with Aspergers. Your raw videos capture EXACTLY the feelings and emotions he's going through and have conveyed to me. If not for your channel, I would not have been able to pinpoint what his issues are. We're now getting him therapy. Thank you!!
This is one of the things that make me absolutely sure I have aspergers.
Hello, thanks for making this video. Today i was crying about "life" and "people". It's hard sometimes and it's hard for me to make new friends. And to be honest, most of the people i dont like because they are mean.
Im 33 years old, lesbian, single and live with my dog in a small town since 6 mounths where i knew nobody. I feel so lonely but thank for the internet haha.
Greets from Debbie
🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺
Go listen to Lou Reed and John Cale's Songs For Drella album (song "Small Town" esp.). You'll relate. I grew up in the suburbs in LI NY myself, but not in a town so tiny that I knew everyone. It's still no picnic.
I wouldn't worry about trying to connect with people with likes/hobbies (that you do not connect with). You need to focus on what you LIKE and friends will come naturally. They do say, people with a select amount of friends are more intelligent lol.
43 years later, I wish that was true
Discord is a good way to connect to other people who have similar interests if you don’t like being around other people.
no one comes to me, lol
That's excellent advice. The best way is not try to make friends with stereotypical people. Do the things YOU enjoy doing and be a good person, treat people with the same respect you expect to be treated and good things will happen to you. It's not that hard. Says the loner with no friends. 😄
THANK YOU! This is exactly my problem. I don't share very many common interests with people. I do like watching TV, but most of the shows I watch are not popular or the people I try to talk about them with aren't interested in them. I like a specific kind of movie or show. Mostly animated ones supposedly just for kids, I like ones with songs like Disney movies, and I hate serious, violent, or overly sex focused ones. The thing is I am 17 years old, so the movies and shows I like aren't "age appropriate". My peers would be embarrassed to admit that they watched any of them. But I have other focused interests too that are once again, uncommon. Sure I am awkward socially, but the problem is that I can't think of anything to talk about with other students, so it is super difficult to makes friends when you can't even keep a conversation going. Sorry for the rant. What you said just really resonated with me. I love your channel.
You are really authentic and sympathetic. As a teacher working with all kinds of children I recognize what you are saying. You are an example to function quite well. All human beings struggle once in a while in life. So actually you express how humans cope with life. 🙂
As a non aspie here’s the thing: there are plenty of interesting people out there who do not drink beer, listen to mainstream music, etc. the reality is that people have their own problems to deal with (maybe money) that you’re just not a priority. Neither am I, a non-aspie. Friends come and go, some stay longer than others. That’s just the nature of relationships. There is no need to hang so desperately. People who you have a genuine connection with will stay longer but there’s no guarantee even then. BUT in my experience I have had more than enough people who keep me entertained and help me when I need it.
@@TheAlfadir hey are you an aspie? don't feel offended. the reason I put a FULL disclaimer in my comment is that I wanted aspies to know what NON-aspies are really thinking to lessen aspies' burden of perhaps wanting to please others/ want other people to accept them as if they (the aspies) did something wrong. USUALLY you did nothing wrong but people have their own goals/problems so it's not so much that it's the aspie's fault but it could be that the aspie isn't even registered in the other person's mind.
another disclaimer: I am actually a super confident (maybe overly confident borderline arrogant) non-aspie who had dated an aspie. that's why I care. aspies should listen to an honest non-aspie or someone like me who is the opposite of shy/socially anxious because it could give you perspective JUST like I am watching videos on aspies to learn about them even though I dont have their "problems"
@@dbsk06 Highly appreciated that you want to know more about aspies. However, there is a saying "if you know one aspie, you just know one", because usually aspies struggle with the same topics, but there still are quite big differences. However, we do have the same feelings/emotions NT's have. The problem is the communication ... I have (a few) NT friends. I probably will never understand them completely and vice versa. Does that matter? Not really, as long as you respect and accept one another. But we are all different. I can perfectly live without contact for a longer period. Others might have problems with that. Not to have to rely on other people make things much easier.
Again, highly appreciated that you try to understand!
It is crazy when you watch videos on this because you think that you are alone . My Dad my whole life always asked why don't I like cars . I don't watch tv or listen to the radio . Everything I do is specifically sought out to give my brain more info on what the hell in life is going on . One thing that I am tortured by especially because I have really bad autism are memories . Just going over things and how I should have done them differently
Well, I think you are incredible! And the authenticity is amazing! Honestly, I look for the same thing in friends… And I’m with you on the idea that having friends is not optional… It’s very necessary in order to reset ourselves… And I also really like this sense of autonomy… And self acceptance… It seems like you would be a really great person to be friends with… We have to allow each other to be ourselves…. I really loved your video thank you so much
You are so articulate, sensitive and insightful about these challenges. Thank you! I will pass this on to my son who is 32. I want to hug you😘👏🏻!
I atarted watching your videos because it is possible that someone close to me is on the spectrum. This video struck a particular chord because although this person appears to have alot of friends, there are only a few people that I think he really connects with. I alwyas had a feeling he might feel a bit lonely. Beyond the important messages for aspies in this video, what you said at the end is GOLD - for everyone. Being accepted as your authentic self is so important. I appreciated the reminder. Thank-you. I learn alot from you everyday!
Haha you’re just like me. I don’t have tv. Don’t do anything mainstream. I don’t drink. I live super rural now but reading, hiking, and tooling around on my quad, being in the woods exploring, and a recent fascination with geology/rocks are all I am interested in. I have no interest in anything “normal” people do. I don’t need friends. I don’t want friends either. I prefer to be totally alone now. People just suck these days.
Have you considered learning to forage? Or growing food? There are lots of great UA-cam channels dedicated to those topics. Tough times are coming and a rural location is the perfect place for it.
Aww. "People just suck these days." That is a sad thing to believe. Humanity has always been a mixed bag of good people, bad people, and people in the gray area. Although I think most people if not all are in the gray area. No one is perfect and noone is all bad. I was thinking the same thing for a while, for my own reasons. But I hope that you can try to see the good sides of people too. Best wishes. 🤗💛
For me, making friends is pretty much a no-go, because people seem to automatically and instantly detect my "oddity" as well as how little importance I place on having friends. They simply sense it. I don't. But ain't that the crux of the Aspie deficit?
They might know we are aspies but we also know they are Nts. I don't want anything to do with NTs, a dog is worth much more to me than an NT 'friend''. Get a puppy. They are man's best friend.
This is really really good. I just found your channel last night. You ARE helping a LOT of people!!💕
I had a long distance relationship with someone who had Asperger's and I was so head over heals that after connecting over common interests I didn't realize that our conversations didn't move outside of those specific interests. He explained to me how he interacted with people because of his diagnosis and I completely understood then his capabilities at that point, or so I thought. When I tried talking to the man I really really liked about other parts of me or my life it was physically painful to realize his complete lack of interest. I also found out that him telling me he loved me was simply a response he knew would be socially appropriate in a relationship. I think what hurt me the most was the fact that he became so exhausted that his honesty came in monotoned and at the speed of light, I understood that he was simply apologizing and essentially saying goodbye, I understood because of his Asperger's and I didn't judge him for that. But holy shit did that level of honesty hurt, to hear someone say "hey now that I know you I'm not that interested in you and I made a mistake trying to make you feel like I loved you like that and blah blah blah". The truth really did hurt in that situation.
One of our common interests was debating, needless to say we would have never lasted because that shit got toxic real quick. I was a Christian at the time and he was an atheist and when we debated about the existence of God he would lose his mind. Lol I do certainly miss him.
I haven't been diagnosed and have been watching your vids for my 11 year old daughter who hasn't been diagnosed....sounds like we have an issue as well as my other kids... It feels so lonely but so glad i have the kids. We all say we are each others best friends, it's so relaxing not trying to fit in and to be authentically ourselves when we are together.... Thanksyou for this video Paul. Raylene from New Zealand
Love your videos!!! Would love if you could do more of your aspie interviews. Loved watching these videos in particular!
Wonderful to see you’ve made this video years ago yet it’s continuing to help people. It definitely gave me further insights into myself.
One thing I enjoyed is testing which people I can be in a slow conversation with, with plenty of silence. Those conversations sound very similar to this video, but with 2 people: slow, thoughtful, meaningful 👍
Also, in this day and age I’ve found it uncommon to find people that want to be friends because we love “existing together” rather than “we help each other” (in any way such as information, care, money, etc)
To be fair this the best era to socialize for ppl that don't follow the trends! Be positive and keep trying
YES!! Even if I find someone with something in common they don’t really want to talk about it as much as I do! I have had to accept that my life is about being alone for the most part and seeing people a few times a year and not get down about it. If we focus on what is missing it makes you depressed.
Thankyou so much for this highly validating video! I can relate so much to what you said. I have decent social skills but rarely feel I'm truly on the same page with others. I do hold out hope one day I will find people that love gymnastics, death metal, sociology, veganism, dark/dry humour and puns and kitsch fashion just like moi🤣
It is harder for us to make friends, I have a small group of friends most are a long distance away but we get along and have some stuff in common, when your over 30 it’s definitely harder to make friends especially for us aspies since most of us do not have kids so that makes me feel like the oddball of the group because the majority of my friends from highschool have kids so we live very different lives! Honestly I’m happy to be home alone or just me and my fiancé or visit my immediate family sometimes! I’ve never felt the need to have tons of friends, I tried in the past to be more extroverted but being around so many people brought nothing but drama!!! I’d rather stay home and read a good book or play guitar!
You and your fiance, ladies live life on easy mode lol. Most men in these comments have no one... no friends, no one that dares hug or kiss them and tells them they care. Try that, you won't last 6 months lol
I’m 43 and just started watching a few of these videos. I relate to so much of what you say. I’ve been in therapy for years for trauma issues and I’m only diagnosed with ptsd, but some of my life long disconnect from others feels hardwired and this energy thing you describe fits too. Seems like the info that’s been missing. So much of this fits. Kinda getting emotional about this for some reason. Not sure what to do with this suspicion I have about this. Lots of memories of suppressing things I’d do to express extra energy/anxiety to fit in, slowly developing white knuckle control to not be called retarded and what it cost. The unpleasant endurance challenges to stay in torturous situations to make parents happy. I experienced a life crash 7 years ago after I lost my grandma. My only person. Without wanting to, I shed all the identities I was performing for 3 main and a few other groups I had maintained exhausting relationships with because of some pointless concept of family and duty. The experience of making and having friends seems risky, costly with added trauma. I actually ran away from everyone after my crash. I moved to Cali and abandoned everyone from my fake life. I feel sad about it. especially friends that loved the old fake me I tailored to fit them, but mostly I am relieved. Might not have gone that way if my family system wasn’t abusive. I have more than enough data to justify total abandonment and restart. Have given extra relationships zero effort for a while. Feels like relief. Auto immune problems with psoriasis and joint flares have reduced a lot. Lost 40 lbs. Being lonely seems like a futile thing to keep fighting at this point. Literally have run out of energy for seeking extra relationships. I’m putting it all toward my new mate I’ve managed to still be with for 6 years now. My mate is extremely co dependent and likes how I care for and maintain her. She really loves me fully acknowledging I’m very different and sometimes I’m not very fun ways and that my emotional language/expressions are different than hers and she understands I’m not even good at mine. I’ve been trying to correct my emotional irregularities that cause conflict in therapy. It is hard and frustrating at times.
Regardless of hurting her feelings a lot without meaning too, she’s the best relationship I’ve ever had with real periods of happiness and love feelings. Never had that before. She’s really great at spotting where I fall short and fills in. She leaps in and loves doing the activities and places I avoid. Creating awesome systems of intimacy and codependence with a complimentary mate whose energy recharges me is what I believe is the most logical way to spend my limited relationship points. An example of a system I love is our meal plan system. She writes out a month of recipes she’s picked out, she makes the list, she gathers it in stores. I store it, organize it and cook it. It’s the most satisfying system I’ve ever enjoyed with another person. She does the parts that feel like sticky anxiety swamps for me happily and I do the parts she detests like cleaning organizing and following a process to recreate something perfectly happily.
It’s weird seeing someone I actually relate too. I love my wife but we are very different and that’s why we work. I can’t imagine what being around another person like me would be like. Sorry for the novel. Your suggestion sounds interesting. Going to hang out here and watch a while. Is there an instructional manual with procedures for choosing appropriate and compatible friends?
Just so you know you are the best.....my son has aspergers too. This has helped me be very encouraged....and GOD'S BLESSINGS to you always....
It may have felt like a rant or preaching on your side, but from my side, my opinion should I say, this video made me sad. Not because you were particularly talking about sad things, but the fact is this video is needed. I have struggled all my life to try to make friends just to fit in, to not be the 'weirdo with no friends' but the fact of the matter is there will always be a glass door between me and them. I have 1 friend and it took me 34 years to find her. I now feel less lonely and less inclined to pretend anymore. These videos would have been a massive help to me when I was younger and a lot of your videos still help me now. Thankyou for sharing your experiences.
this, but with social anxiety on top of it 🙃
I hear you sister, it sucks! Trying to make friends when you are anxious is near impossible for me.
the worst thing
It usually goes hand in hand.
Same here. I just cannot do small talk. Never know what to say or how the other person is taking it. Are they interested, just being kind, or not interested.
Jesus can heal you