The WORST ADVICE you can give an Autistic person
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- Опубліковано 30 чер 2024
- This video has been inspired by some of the #TakeTheMaskOff content I've seen on social media this week. Finding friends is one of the most common challenges for people on the Autism Spectrum. How can I be myself AND be accepted by others at the same time? This video explores the worst piece of (well meaning) advice that you can give an Autistic person - and what to say instead.
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My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
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~Paul
Society: just be yourself
Also society: no not like that
Its a more common experience than you might realise. In fact we made institutions to make sure every one has that as a moment. Some just conform better to the middle point of that.
archive.org/details/addressestogerma00fich/page/18
P247 :D haha omg so true
Yeah it's like "be yourself" means "be generically relatable" which means "act like the median personality of different neurotypical personality traits, be a little bit of everything all at once".
Society: Freedom of Speech is important!
Also society: How can we stop these people who say things we don't like.
@@truthspace5525 reminds me of what comedian Tommy Smothers said...
We have freedom of speech here in America.
And you better say what you're supposed to say.
People dont want you to be yourself unless "yourself" is their version of "normal".
People don't know what they want
Many people don't want to see you succeed either, and will deliberately undermine you as a way to validate their own self-worth.
@@jessstuart7495 How often was it, that we were the focal point of bullying, (serious) abuse, misuse in many ways, teasing, and other misery, by NTs NeuroTypicals?
Their version of what they want from you
@@laurentbastings6790 Sadism is more common amongst the Sheeple.
"be yourself"
"wow you're so weird"
"why are you so guarded and unsocial?"
One response to "so weird" would be "no, I'm original".
Right in the feels with this one..
When I’m content and quiet at work, I’m labeled as being grumpy. When I ask why they label me, I’m accused of being defensive. I can’t unmask at work.
@@alib1255 I’m always accused of being rude or condescending at work, when all I do is try to provide direct and honest answers. I just lost another job because of it.
@@danieldaniels7571 everyone has a mind of a female, even the guys. Starting stupid shit cause someone decides to be reserved. Maybe if they were actually doing their jobs they wouldn’t be playing these stupid childish games
Care too much= anxiety
Don't care enough= depression
There are aspects of both in each
For me it's rather:
Don't have the energy to card anymore=depression
@@TheRealXXDarknezz I alternate back and forth between the 2 or have both at the same time.
Yep I will second that
where’s the third option? i’d like the hat trick
Do you ever feel resentful that you've had to work so hard to gain emotional intelligence & a deeper understanding of how the mind works socially just to counterbalance the lack of effort by others to do the same?
Funny story: I once had two coworkers fighting with one saying I don't care enough about what other people think and the other saying I care too much. They were bullying me but they couldn't agree on what they were bullying me for 🤷
Wow..yup. I believe we all get frustrated or resentful of that aspect. We care too much about loving others and being ourselves as we are, beautiful and unique. And others just have a lack of it.
I'm resentful of the time spent and the opportunities I missed.
@@katrinakollmann5265 ... Yes! Looking back I realize that while masking is an important skill to employ, it has its limits. The payback is worth it to a point, but then you hit diminishing returns on investment (energy spent masking) and those returns quickly drop to zero. Now, in my 50's, I'm pretty good at assessing a situation and determining how much acceptance masking will get me then I decide if it's worth it or not. Maybe masking will only get me half-way accepted, but half-way is all that's needed... so I do it and there's a good outcome.
But it took nearly 30 years to figure this out. I couldn't begin to calculatehow much time & energy I wasted or how many opportunities I missed because I'd been brainwashed into believing that if I just masked enough that'd solve all my problems.
Im 31... I only figured out I was autistic last summer and I still keep burning myself out because I'm higher needs now than I was back when I was a masking ninja...
I made the mistake of telling my MIL literally today and she was not ready... ugh. Are the lessons painful and hard forever???
The “take the mask off” campaign wouldn’t sound so good in 2020 😂
Yeah no kidding
😂😂
I thought this video was about Covid
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I agree with BOTH!
I had a therapist say this to me recently & I was like: “uh yeah but the last time I went full mask off I got fired.”
*JUST BE YOURSELF*
_physical discomfort intensifying_
I don't even know how to do this anymore, let alone trust the result to be safe.
I laughed because I can definitely relate.
@@gw437 lucky you
I feel like my life was screwed up by this insistance that having friends is healthy and not having friends is sad. I'm happiest when I'm just left alone with my partner and animals. Friends have always just been a pain and I don't need social interaction other than with one special person. I think it's important that if people don't want to socialise that they aren't made to feel like it's another layer of not normal, or that they have given up. If I had been given the permission to be alone earlier my life would have been much more tranquil. Before I knew I was autistic I thought I was bitter but now I know it's just my natural state and I'm happy.
same here
Idk if I have autism but I have adhd and I'm the same way. I cant handle a lot of people it's very overwhelming and draining. I love being by myself. I like going to dinner alone, walking alone, etc. Gives me time to think. I also enjoy being with my partner and hang out with a friend here and there but I dont NEED interaction with people to the level most people do. People need to understand that everyone has different social needs. I dont know why it's always this one size fits all mentality
K.S. I agree
@@ksfishchannel 💕💕💕Same here
Same here. Social situations always drained me and so did the rare little lasting(generally) friendships I had. I prefered my own company but felt compulsed to fit in. Now at 50 I do not actively seek friendships nor a romantic relationship but am not completely closed to the idea either. I don't feel I have given up but feel much happier when alone and pursuing my interests. Always keen to befriend animals though because what you see is what you get😀
My childhood
Me: I want freinds
Adults:Be yourself
Me: Ok
Adults: Act Normal
Me Which one is it
IM Which*
The problem I think is that too many people assume that others are like them and therefore what applies to them will apply to you.
Wow. I thought only I am this way. What an eye-opener.
l21n1 Correct. For dating advice, everyone says meet thru a similar interest. That's how I can find friends and a girlfriend. My interests are Pokemon VGC, Speedrunning, and Psychology (mainly speedrunning).
Ι would never tell a child to be themselves. Especially when I know their parents have such high expectations that they would beat them up if they didn't follow them to the letter. No. Survival comes first. Mask yourself if you have to.
When someone says "be yourself" their only touchstone for "yourself" is themselves. And of course, it's hard to recognize your own flaws unless they're readily apparent. So they're really saying "be who I think I am (or wish I could be)."
Ooo, that's good masking advice.
theres a photo of me with all the nursery classes when I was 3 and everyone is looking to the left but i'm the only one looking to the right
@翁慈玲 interesting! I have a diagnosis of pdd-nos and years later I got a mercury/aluminium poisoning report. It turns out almost all autist have an abundance of those 2 metals in their brain which could explain allot of symptoms. Many people claim autism is purely caused by this poisoning (foods, air, vaccine, mother to child, dentistry) but I believe its mainly due to a genetic defecit to chelate these metals. I later learned and got tested for a condition called "kryptopuloria" which is extremely common among autists. It basically means your body does not hold on to vit b6/zinc, crucial for metal chelation, which could be one of the missing puzzle pieces that explains our symptoms.
@Murtaza Arif Hi Arif, underactive thyroid is very common with mercury poisoning as the thryroid is in tandem with the adrenals (which take the biggest hit from metals as they produce cortisol your body needs in order to keep inflammation down from this poisoning). Fatigue/weight issues/sleep problems/massive anxiety/depression can be caused by this so it might be worth it to A. do a hair mineral analysis, to see what minerals you lack and if you have metal poisoning and B. check your thyroid levels to see if something is happening there.
@@remon563 your post are making me think i need to join a group of aspies incase there is more info like this i wasnt aware of.
There was probly something more intreasting to the right than a boring camera and your the only person who saw it the others were so bizy trying to "fit in" they missed half of what you saw.
There's one of me at a dance recital, doing something completely different with my body than everyone else. I have a really hard time following choreography or learning exercise moves. There's just a disconnect there.
All my life I have been dealing with a lot of people just turning on me out of nowhere, and when I ask them why, all I get is "You know what you did!" and I sit there going "If I knew, I wouldn't be asking!" UGH!
Yes.
Same.
Same! (tho i dont have any diagnosis)
Oh lordy, I feel that! I have lost a few friends that way. I mean, if they refuse to help me out, I can just leave. I am also quite happy to be alone. Prefer pets, or trees. People are weird, at least the neurotypical ones, hehehe
When I was in high school, I also got rejected for masking too much. Telling me to “just be myself” was the most worthless advice I ever received! I didn’t know how and feel like only recently, I am learning to do that.
Looking at the videos and the comments, it is clear that aspies more or less struggle with the same issues. I also had to find out what kind of norms exist and then - which was the most tricky part - decide what norms I could agree on. Even today, there are things I wouldn't do (like shake hands, as I don't like physical contact) or things I tend to forget (like say hello). And I never explained myself. It might be clear that I don't have too many friends, but I rather have very few good friends than a whole bunch which are in fact just acquaintances. And I don't need to fit into a group as too many people make me feel very uncomfortable. It is hard to find out what is appropriate for oneself, but it is possible to adjust a little and yet stay true to yourself. Wish you all the best.
I got accused of shoplifting at Big Lots even though I didn’t. I think it was because I acted like myself too much and they saw me as an easy discrimination target.
I know, I'man NT who mentors aspie teen girls. Telling them to "just be themselves" is horrible advice. They are fantastic kids, but socially totally lost. Knowing how to be yourself in a social environment is a specific skill that they need to learn. We NTs absorb it automatically, ASDs need to be shown and have it step-by-step explained.
@@maxbensen8783 Yeh this is like me with women. Like I want to date women and people say I should just be myself, but I have no idea what that means. I need to know exactly what to say to a woman I like, otherwise it’s like rocket science.
That was the most worthless advice I got for making friends too. And job interviews! ((Cringe))
as a person who didn't know I was on the spectrum until recently; Be genuinely helpful.
there are those that will take advantage of you, and then there are those who will remember who you are and say thank you and say your name. It's the ones who remember you and appreciate you that are the good ones. *Those* are the people you want to be friends with.
It's unfortunate that there aren't a lot of good ones out there though.
Tony Atwood said "We need aspies who are psychologists for aspies." You Paul are one of those people. I hope you are getting a psychology degree. You explain it very well and God knows aspies need more experts who have autism.
Yes, please! I know "autistic social worker" feels like an oxymoron, but no one understands an autistic person like a fellow autistic person.
He doesn't have to be a psychologist to help
@@maxk880 He doesn't, but it could help, we communicate differently. In a "chinese whispers" sort of study a neurotypical group relayed a message from A to B fine, an AS group did the same and was fine, but the message in the mixed grouping got all messed up! It's like for a time I was going to be a drug counsellor, been there, done that. A none drug user could become a counsellor but there's always going to be a disconnect with personal experiences; in both cases there's going to be an understanding which can make things easier. They might have the knowledge, but not the wisdom gained through experience!
@MKraay When I first became aware that I was likely to be on the spectrum, I spent hours trying to confirm it for myself, reading studies etc. And it just left me confused and unsure if my self diagnosis was even remotely correct.
Having these youtubers explain this stuff in a way that fits reality and is a first hand account if autism and not a load of nonsense written by a doctor who isn't on spectrum is immensely valuable. Having clinical professionals who have first hand knowledge of autism would be equally valuable.
Amen. God has gifted him with this ability to explain things in such an understandable way.
I have Aspergers and I am 37 and have had many friends in my life, but of those that have been close, good friends I can count on one hand. For me a close friend is like a rare gem, hard to find, greatly desired, and possessing great value. My wife is my single greatest friend.
SAW antz I can relate!
you are a pure soul.
and believe me 100% people in this world have same problem.no one in this world is trustworthy until they dont have deeds.
world is beautiful because we have beautiful people like u.
my 4 year old daughter not officially declared autistic but she exibits all symptoms and she is lovely.i love her and like her autism.😍😍😍😍
If you have a lot of friends and you socialize easily you probably arent an aspie.
pfft, you have a wife your set man. Assuming the marriage is good. Friends are just a nice extra after that.
SAW antz Same here, man. That’s why it hurts so much if they leave. People just don’t understand how hard it is to make friends in the first place, and misinterpret it as being “clingy.”
Except, the "socially acceptable" me was still never enough for anyone because they didn't want me to be me at any measure, people want others to be like them. Otherwise they bully you, ignore you, or they feel implicitly judged by you and make your life miserable. Being a student i was nothing but a decent kid that did her work and tried to be nice to people and all i got was people making up horrible gossip about me.
My whole life i went to their parties and out with friends and did all the girly things they wanted to do and it was still not enough because i was left out of birthday party invitations and trips and "big deal" stuff, and school or work projects and promotions.
Any kind of fitting in is exhausting; even if you are not trying to run around naked, people will be able to tell it is not genuine. And why would i want to keep doing the "socially acceptable" me if it never took me anywhere and i hated 90% of all the chores it required?
So, yes, at 44 i have given up, i refuse to keep any kind of mask, and i do not give two hoots about what people think of me, and i at least live more peacefully.
Yes, I agree, I tried to copy the behaviour of others and be sociable, do what is considered acceptable but I always ended up being rejected, so I've given up pleasing people it hurts too much.
46 and I feel this in my soul
@@MoonHuntressMetaphysics 54 me too
I am 48, I gave up long ago and was, 'til recently, fine with it. Life is just better when I am on my own. I have met someone who is really expressive and I would like to get to know her, but I have no idea how to do it .... I thought the part of me that needed companionship was long dead ... I am struggling now because I am around someone who is expressive enough that I can somethings read her expressions, but she is totally unavailable, and even if she were, I would have no f'ing clue.
Wait so you mean me trying to do things with other people I have no interest in actually is me masking so like when they were doing the girly stuff they actually liked it and you didn’t for instance
I am 40yrs old and just finally connecting that I'm autistic. I couldn't stop smiling hearing this video knowing, I am not alone!! To anyone who watches this, I love you as a person ✌💪♥️
I would rather take off the mask and have fewer high quality friends then to wear it and die twenty years earlier from the stress. I have found now, I have multiple friends also on the spectrum. Perhaps socializing with other non neuro normative people is an option we need to take more seriously.
I wear a mask in limited ways. I deal very sparingly with people and spend much time alone.
I totally agree with finding your tribe, other aspies. Also meyers briggs personality types like yours which is wonderful wonderful! You can actually have deep intelligent conversations and friendships with your tribe, in fact that's how you find them. Look for people who share your interest and personality type and aspie diagnosis.
Wearing a mask is exhausting. Going through all my stored data of nested "if-then" statements for every sentence exchanged is a lot of work. Add on top of it, most of it is guess-work because I can't really "read" the other person unless they give me overtly verbal feedback, and even then, sometimes people don't say what they mean. Very anxiety-inducing which just adds to the exhaustion. It's also depressing for a variety of reasons.
How do you know just how much to "mask"? I don't know how else to phrase it. I feel like it's an "all-or-nothing" thing for me. Following your analogy, it's like I'm either covered in full, steel armour that weighs as much as I do, or I'm stark naked. Calculating just how much to "wear" sounds difficult.
Nothing wears me out like socializing.
how about dividing your mask in separate stages that you can set up yourself. that's how i started to do it and it feels like it works.
i have 4 stages which i currently work with:
1) full mask= for contact with people i don't consider friends/at work/noisy places with a lot of people.
2)full mask with little breaks= if i'm close to a meltdown or simply too exhausted i have a set of made up excuses (for work/people i don't like/strangers) or roughly explain the situation (friends/people i kinda or might like) and take an actual break. i leave the situation, do some stimming, take a deep breath and then go back.
3)in this stage i divide my mask in 3 sections and use them accordingly to my conversational partner. i focus only on those 3 masks. i try to drop everything else, like forced bodylanguage, facial expressions, don't hide it when i'm stressed, etc. i use them for friends (or family) who are not very empathic, dominant and can only communicate between the lines (i don't know the proper term for this in english. i hope you get what i mean.)
3.1) verbal mask= for all people i listed above in 3) but especially for those who only read between the lines). i carefully form sentences that can't be misinterpreted or describe the meaning in detail to prevent misunderstandings.
3.2) special interest mask= for all people listed above in 3). i never talk about my special interest in detail. (about 10 sentences max. per person) i try to find similarities in their interests an focus on that. (i like art and storywriting. so when my conversational partner tells me that he/she likes trainmodels or videogames -i ask about paintingtechniques for these models, his/her favourite character design, level designs, the story of that game etc.).
3.3) social rank mask= this is mainly for dominant friends (or family). i try to be very composed, tell passive aggressive jokes, pretend to get angry or pretend to bear grudges to keep my social rank. as a female that doesn't talk very much and can't concentrate very well in stressful situations, i often get misinterpreted as shy or someone you can't respect. even if they don't mean any harm, dominant people tend to take you less serious if you don't stand your ground.
4) feel good mask/no mask= for very empathic friends (or family). i actually don't think i need a mask for my very empathic friends but i realised that some aspects of that mask make me feel good about myself. i try to ignore stressful things to a certain point, pretend that i'm not bothered by it or engage a deeper conversation with someone to focus on that instead of that stressor. it helps me to convince my brain that i don't have to freak out all the time. with that i'm a lot calmer and less nervous all the time. i also pretend to confidently talk about certain things (my memory is a MESS). but pretending alone increases my self-esteem. ("see, this time you didn't mess this up. you were right!").
i'm constantly working on that system but so far i'm quite satisfied with it. i'm slowly dropping everything from my mask that doesn't work for me anymore or isn't really needed (still trying to figure out which part of this big chaos is actually me and which is the mask.)
this got longer than i expected but i hope that it might be of use to someone.
@@sunnabluhm9790 this is awesome, thanks for sharing
@@sunnabluhm9790 💕💕💕💋
you need to learn the C programming construct "switch: case".,,..
Ive given up on pleasing people, making friends, dating and keeping a "normal" job. I work offshore. Away from others. I come home and wander through the city like a ghost. All i can do is warn people that i WILL offend them and that i cant help what i say or do.
Yupper. I gave up on pleasing people. I don't know if I'm on spectrum. Love my peace and solitude.
Yep 52 and fired for the first time in 26 years when I couldn't keep up with new changes in corporate world. I measured my productivity for 26 years and it wasn't going to magically get faster just because corporate raised the bar again. Productivity was the only reason I was fired. I am done with people. I will be homeless soon. I don't have the survival skills to make it on the street as a prey animal...but since I'm so old, I was never screened in school. I did manage to work for 33 years... Depression, anxiety, OCD control issues, ADD, GI problems may not be enough for social security but an ASD diagnosis would have helped. A doctor in my case said "There is no way you could have accomplished what you have with ASD." I wonder just how stupid she believes people with ASD are? I would go back to school and finish that psychology degree to be an aspie who specializes in aspies...but that medical doctor gave me an Axis II...I was a gender patient who was screened specifically for an Axis II by 3 psychologists and it was ruled out. I have no regrets for my transition. The pope claims those with ASD are not capable of making decisions like a transition. I am finished with NT's. They are idiots. Star trek anyone? Peace.
Right now I'm just so fucking tired. I may go back trying to find "friends" or "like-minded people", but I feel I'll need to recharge before that. For a couple of years, maybe. Meanwhile, some Star Trek sounds good...
@@Xtalllll beam me up 👍
@@nitefox4411 in my 40s nonbinary, diagnosed at 35, gave up work 3y ago cause of my physical health declining, cant get state support where I am, am all alone and will be homeless soon as well, life is pile of cr** :( star trek would be nice
It is especially difficult to be an artistic, empathic, fair minded aspie in our currently dysfunctional warring, and deceitful society. I just have to shut up and “be an artist” haha-that early label gave me some “artistic license to “be myself”. It is very lonely at times.
Well said! I hate lies and deceit, victimisation and bullying, it's made me ill. I've got a brain injury and we suffer from a lot of the same stuff as aspies but people know even less about us sadly, we're invisible.
Same here. Third generation artist and bibliophile here, many just think I'm wierd or eccentric because "all artists are that way".
@@jennyhughes4474 My soul brother is a high functioning savant due to head trauma rewiring his brain when he was a young child. I have seen the struggles he goes through.
@@Leathurkatt I'm an artist too, I used to read lots but since my accident can't nearly so much nor anything complicated (I can't understand it) or small text, sad, I miss it but art can mostly take its place; also lost my maths skills. Wow - sounds like it's good you found each other, great that you understand him - and he you! All the best to you/both of you.
Speaking to my soul
I felt as if I'd "missed the memo" - everyone else seemed to know what was expected.
i thought theres a secret my parents will tell me about when i reach a certain age ;D
Not on the spectrum but have social anxiety and adhd and omgosh this is how I've always felt but more so when I was younger 😂😭😭.
You explained this very well. I understand walking that tightrope. If you do “try” people say you are fake and if you don’t “try” then you are offending someone. So it’s usually much less exhausting to be alone or only with family.
If you have a family that cares.
Hi, I'm and aspie, and in my experience, "be yourself and don't care what anyone thinks" is best applied as a method of attraction rather than a method of connection. Basically, it's all a matter of exposure, and if you meet enough people, someone is bound to like you. When I dont mask, which is 99% of the time, most people think I'm insane (something one of my friends has pointed out to me, not his opinion but other people's) yet i still have close friends. The whole point is interacting with enough people and seeing who likes you. The other meaning of "just be yourself and dont care what anyone thinks" is that you are naturally a universally likable person, or that your confidence will win the other person over, and this is a pretty dumb idea. I agree with the idea that you should be the socially appropriate self, and to me I just try to comply and be as normal as is mentally healthy for me, and not change my behaviour for people who dont like me.
I act so different in school than at home with my family. You would literally think I’m a different person. But it’s just so hard to be myself cause people will prob not be able to handle me. In school I’m the nice soft girl so says weird shit to my friends. But without me my lunch table gets way less quite cause Im always being innocent and weird that makes everyone have a good time. I left my lunch table to sit somewhere else and they all said why did I leave and it’s so boring without me. But when I get home i can just be myself and be loud and cuss and say weird weird shit and just let it out.
This is a good point. Some people will like you.
Aspies prefer to get high scores on tests.. if making friends is a challenge, then it's like a test.. one we'll get depressed about if we score only 50% .. rather than 99-100%
One thing I've really come to appreciate about my parents' approach to raising an admittedly pretty weird kid was the balance of direct instruction when it came to things likely to hurt other people or violate really basic social protocols, with just letting me be myself when you could honestly say "eh, only small-minded people would be bothered by that".
For instance, I might get "If you let your gaze wander too much or get twitchy when other people are talking, they're going to think you don't care about what they're saying, and therefore don't care about THEM." Solid advice! But then when they found me reading behind the couch: "Are you crying back there? No? OK, have fun then."
Granted, the "act thoughtful to other people where it matters and follow baseline social rules (eg. appropriate dress)...and just don't worry about the other stuff; anyone who can't see you'd be an amazing person to be friends with is an idiot" still did NOT work out on the playground - in part bc my parents were just too far removed to be able to explain the social protocol of 6 year olds, and acting like a polite 30 year old just made me seem more like an alien.
But it DID work as I got older and hit the kind of social situations they'd been preparing me for at college, in the workplace, etc.
Yes, both this video and your comment are spot on. Everybody (not just aspies) needs to learn how to behave in certain situations to just be appropriate and not hurtful. This basic socialisation is necessary for society to function. A level of this is not masking, merely manners. However beyond that, people are entitled to expect that others will accept their differences, and some will embrace them as they are and become friends.
This is strange... I actually really DON'T care anymore what people think. No matter what I've done to "change"/mask, it was never good enough for other people. So, I gave up on that behavior. I am not at 100% all the time, and I know when to be "whatever the situation dictates at that time". Most NT people can be horrible, so I mainly have ND friends at this point in my life. I'm 45, and I just figured out I'm autistic a few months ago... everything about my life as I knew it was challenged. especially my relationships. Those whom would not be inclusive, or chose to disbelieve me after telling them I'm Autistic are no longer central in my life.
Sad as it may be, I'm REALLY used to people not accepting me or including me. I only speak to one actual blood relative at this point. Everyone else seems to have become ancillary at best.
I really, REALLY, am at a point in my life where I'm fed up with meeting the expectations of others and continuously falling short. I actually suspected from a very early age that the rest of the world and the people in it, and around me (most of all) were very alien to me and wondered what everyone else's problem was. Walking on eggshells around people because "I'm different"...
For me, working from the standpoint of "not caring what others think" is a weeding out process.
Based on the way someone treats me, I can tell what kind of person they are, and what they may or may not bring to the table. Been burned too many times with the "fitting in routine". Did that for most of my life. Done with not being accepting for being spicy all the time.
If you don't like spice, have a piece of bread instead.
I also always regarded everybody else (NTs) as the ones with the problem, I'm glad I'm not the only one
I was the kid who'd pick apart movies while i watched them.
Saying it loud? If then,welcome to the club,pal.
I was the kid who always reenacted them, lol.
I could check war movies for authentic weaponry outloud. Not a good move if dating!
Eddie
Me but as an adult, films are one of my special interests:) I can’t remember picking them apart as a child but I most likely did
I do it after the movie. I turn in my ultra turbo analisys mode on and spew out the conclusions, intricacies in interactions, reasons for all of it etc. Some people absolutely love my passion for it and others can't say much or don't and I'm good at spotting when that happens. I don't think it has anything to do with Aspergers though...
Thanks. I used to think (I am autistic and 72) that people loved me for who I was. Now I have been forced to conclude that the only the only person who truly loved me for who I am wos my mother. I don't think this breadth of discovery is available to neurotypicals, who seem to live in fantasyland.
This was interesting and pertinent because I recently just gave up on life and I'm 55. The effort and the rejection have become too much. I also have or more realistically had a friend who has all the autistic traits and he recently went into full, turbocharged masking where he suddenly acquired an interest in football, binge drinking and various other mainstream interests and seems to have made new nuerotypical friends as a result. I'm happy for him in that respect although he has started to avoid me even though I was there to help him through various crises in the past. It reminds me of school when you were either with the cool kids or the nerds and there was no overlap.
Right there with you!
That's so sad. I would feel betrayed and alone.
I'm 35. Since I have exactly 0 social skills I'm guessing I'll be just like you in a couple of years more.
I have had this happen to me to. Haven’t given up though. I’m too stubborn. 😂
I'm also in middle age and I've struggled with this nonsense all my life. I've retreated into doing my own thing now. I find people are hypocritical and shallow and I cannot handle them for too long.
It is no form of good health to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.
Well spoken Brother. It took me a long time to find myself. Its ok not to care what others think. As long as those actions are based on Love, as long as its not self centered. Im comfortable laughing at my own jokes and being myself in all regards but never at another s expense.
💯💯💯 when I actually cared I beat myself up for any tiny mistake and developed a severe ED , now I’m older I just don’t care and accepted the no friends thing 🤷♀️ the middle looks like walking on eggshells to me and constant endless work as if life isn’t tough enough
Seven-ish years ago I came to a similar conclusion. It's like everyone and every group that I interact with, shines a light (desk lamp, not flashlight) at me; makes a silhouette. But since everybody has "their" light from a slightly different angle, they see different faces of this 'me-shape'; it makes all sorts of minutely different silhouettes. All are me, none more than another.
Then I took it further: what am I like if there's no light being shone at me? Alone, at home or in nature or... Because I don't know myself entirely, nobody can know themself through and through... What am I actually like then? (just some pondering opportunities)
Mirjam Proos
This fits with the analogy I came up with that we are like gemstones
Multifaceted with many sides and angles but others can usually only see one side at a time but rarely does anyone ever see the inside.
Great ponderings! :)
I originally also thought of gemstones - but not the cut into shape and polished ones, more like these shimmering faceted rocks like this: originstones.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/amethyst-origin-stones-featured.jpg (The way they're sometimes only shimmery inside and look unassuming outside makes for some good analogies too!)
I am 58
I have been a "Chameleon" since 1st grade and have a trail of life that's a reflection of it.
It all ended the same...
Now I am getting to "Tired" to try
The world has no idea what They have lost
not sure if you'll ever read this Hanke, but I'm 58 too and finally figured out that THIS is what's been going on. I appreciate your comment and I feel the same way. I wish I'd known this sooner... or maybe it's perfect. best of everything to you.
I appreciate your comments I feel for you really on empaths level, I generally don't get reply so this is rare. (maybe I am out of sh4dow b@nned hell)
The truth is, people do not loose anything. We are only a raindrop in the sky among 1000.000.000 of raindrops. People move on. The world is not important. Only you and someone you love dearly and are in love with you too, is important. That special person is important. Of course it has to be both ways. Unfortunately, some times, you find a human, who is in love and cares much about you, even to the point of wanting to marry you. But you blew it up, for stupid reasons. And you end allone, broken and disgusted, because you where just inmature. People meet only at best 1 time in their life such a person. Even if there are women and men everywhere. It is an illusion to think you have plenty of choices. You just do not. A bitter pill.
Maybe what i write is not relevant or out of topic.
But yes...
To fit in is exhausting.
Life is struggle. There has to be a ballance...Otherwise you inplode.
Bless you sir.
Thank you. I don't feel so alone reading that. My version is "people have no idea what their missing." Conclusion: There must be more of us, so the world has not experienced it's full potential yet.
I am on the Autism Spectrum too. Was finally diagnosed with it months ago. Originally as I was growing up I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. I've always struggled with fitting in and socializing. I even remember in preschool that I would play by myself and not even interact with the other kids. Through out my entire school life was very difficult, especially in junior high and high school. I was bullied a lot. Didn't have many "true friends." I've been hurt a lot by people and now I have a very hard time trusting people. Even though I want to be accepted, people are just too ignorant..... because of all of this I can see why a psychologist said I have Avoidant Personality Disorder traits. Years ago a different psychologist diagnosed me with Schizoid Personality Disorder, but I did my research and I disagree with that diagnosis, I and my parents believe I have more of the Avoidant Personality Disorder. Anyways, passing as at Neurotypical cause me exhausting for me. Doctors have always said I am immature and childlike, but I can't help it that I act more like a child most of the times. I am starting to wonder if I have the mental capacity of a child or if it's just the way my brain works cause of the autism? I can be serious too. My mom sometimes will tell me to act my age and I just think to myself "How? I don't know how a normal 28 year old should act. My brain doesn't think like them." >_< This makes me angry. Btw, great videos you have. :)
In a room with twenty kids and twenty adults, odds are the kids will find a way to have an awesome time if allowed to, and the adults will stand around miserably trying to make boring small talk while looking for the exit to escape through. Acting like an adult is overrated, lol. And that is coming from someone who was told throughout my entire childhood that I was "such an old soul and very mature for my age." I was MISERABLE! Only when I actually became an adult and got my freedom to decide who I wanted to be--and how immature I want to act in private--did I finally learn how to really breathe and enjoy being alive. Now I regularly see adults and even elderly people getting drunk and crazy on cruise ships or living it up at Disney World and Disneyland, getting tattoos and motorcycles, growing their hair out long, coloring their hair in wild colors, etc. You know, all those "immature" and "irresponsible" behaviors their generations were judging everyone else for a few decades ago!
There are times and situations where it's a good idea to be more restrained so you don't distract others (I imagine hooting and hollering at a funeral, tennis match, or golf tournament would be extremely frowned upon, lol). Certainly I put on my "adult face" while at my kids' school events. But check out how adults act at football games, soccer matches, and hockey games! And how many vloggers on UA-cam now focus on collecting kids' toys and action figures, dress up in furry costumes just for comfort, etc.?
l agree with you completely on this, but l don't like the "mask" reference. l belong to an online Aspie group where the majority of the members seem to feel a sense of pride in rejecting NTs, and state that they will be "themselves" at all costs. l tell them that it is impossible to be someone else - however you present yourself, you are still you! l prefer to think of myself as multi-faceted rather than "masked". l can take a minor or dormant facet of myself and polish it up to become a more dominant facet in order to present myself well. l think of this as learning by observing others whose presentation l admire, rather than masking. l am learning to hone parts of MYSELF, and how to configure which facets of MYSELF to display more prominently in different situations. l find it exciting to be able to do this, rather than feeling in any way threatened or restricted in having to do it in order to be accepted.
I still find this difficult. I still do what I call "scripting" for work and social interactions but the minute that gets flipped my real self comes out and it's scary to some because I don't care about what they care about. It still feels incredibly isolating.
Your comment is so validating! Thanks for sharing. I’m 50 and just realizing that I may be on the spectrum.
Same
Wearing a mask = Fitting into neurotypical people's version of normal. I found a trick that works for me every time. Look at what they’re doing or looking at. Walk up and talk about that. Be kind, positive, and constructive in everything you say. Ask questions, remember the answers, later refer back to the answers to show you’re listening, keep your comments short, and say very little about yourself. Be the mystery. You get lots of friends like this, but they like the character you’re playing (not really you). You rarely get to talk about things you like to talk about, and making everything all about them takes a lot of energy. After you get this person to like you, you can start acting a little more like yourself, but you need to change very slowly. I call it the Bill Clinton trick. Hell, it worked for him, so I thought I’d try it. Needless to say, I got phenomenally great resalts. It's, by far, the best mask I’ve found.
Your video really hit home. As a child I did just do what I wanted because I did not understand other people. I ended up hurting other people and I also hurt myself. I was too full of terror to understand what was really happening. Terror leads to manic behavior which is also destructive.
I lived behind a mask when I learned that if I did not, if I ran through the mall naked so to speak, I would get attacked, shunned and even fired. When I served in Viet Nam I avoided the infantry because I figured I would be shot by my own people.
Later in life I came across a mask which was much more socially acceptable and have used that since. But the mask only serves to keep people away from me, like you said. All that is behind that mask is terror and the bad memories of "mall streaking" and hurting. There is no one behind the mask.
My biggest fear is that my mask will allow someone to like me and, since there is nothing behind the mask, they are aghast at the emptiness there. I would die of shame.
i have been shunned and fired for being an aspie, i can understand how u feel. u are not alone
I feel this, I don't really know who I am. Like I've spent my whole life trying to be acceptable and now I don't even know who I am or what I want. And there's a guy I really like, and I know he likes me... But I'm scared I'm going to be "too much" because I've been told that my whole life... Ugh
This is true. I agree: don't care too much about passing as NT and don't care too little about it either. Do what you can. Some of us will find it easier to pass as NT than others. Even for some of us who pass successfully most of the time, we will have periods of time where it is impossible. Being happy starts with being happy with who you are without the approval from others. If you don't like yourself other people will sense it. And also it's easier to find your path in life if you are true to yourself but it doesn't help to think others should accept you always no matter what. Great video!
I can remember standing in the playground at age 5 wondering why everyone was shouting and waving at a plane flying overhead (this was in the 70s). I’m sure at that age I thought my classmates were stupid but as i got older I kind of lost that confidence and felt uncomfortable with being the only one acting differently.
It's astounding to me that some individuals aee themselves as so knowledgeable and special that they assume someone with autism is automatically weird and not knowledgeable or irrelevant. How many time have a finally opened my mouth and said what i thought of a situation and been ridiculed only for the situation to play out how i warned someone or said. It's because we are advanced and above their level that they cannot even recognize it and assume it's ignorance. It's sad to me. This world is the mask.
Not everyone is wired the same--get with folks who accept others as they are; don't waste your time on those who don't.
Nobody does this.
So you're 100% in control of who you deal with in life? Sweet.
funny as an ASD person growing up i always thought copying one's behavior was considered rude and annoying
You make so much sense! Besides all of us mask NTs and Aspies according to the situation. Some people call it "wearing different hats". There is an appropriate way to behave and there is the not so appropriate way that will only bring you to the wrong place of isolation. It's like visiting a country like Japan or China or other countries where you should behave according to their culture. If you want to have a pleasant visit you need to learn their costumes and fit in whenever possible without losing your identity.
Adults are busy, friendship gets harder
would it be fair to say that, the best way to both fit in and be yourself would be to choose carefully what communities you become a part of?
It's fair to say that an actively inclusive community does make it much easier (and safer) to be yourself.
They are not always possible to find though, so in the real world I have to find a way to interact with people even when they are not so understanding.
NT 'be yourself' actually means 'be one of these socially accepted stereotypes'
.. "Be somebody I like."
@@doremirse9950 _"you act like it's so hard to act like a decent human being"_
Wrong, we must act in a manner NTs can *_interpret_* as "a decent human being."
It's not our fault that NTs suk at perceiving and understanding _everything._
Nevertheless, we pay for NTs' unthinking judgement and condemnation.
"Just treat others the way you'd like to be treated and talk to them based on the same rule."
Me: nearly impossible to offend, doesn't take anything personally, doesn't interpret other people's words through a thick filter of emotions, honest, values facts over comfort.
Yea, it's been a disaster my whole life.
Yeah that advice is also so bad. I just remember that most ppl aren't like me and end up asking a lot of questions if I really don't know.
When you are in constant pain and your mind is on fire from analyzing everything and everyone around you 24/7 and you can’t find reason in the reason so many simple things bring happiness to those around you, you’re left to the conclusion that something is broken within you - if this is all you know from day to day it becomes easier to deal with life when you no longer try to care about what others are thinking. Being yourself is what we tell those we love when we recognize they aren’t able to please those people they care about that surround them - watching loved ones live in a world where happiness is as simple as another’s greeting smile or a “how do you do “ and your lost in the “what does that even mean” - “how you doing?” Do they really care, are they about to help me in some way, or are they just being polite and why is polite the good part of the engagement- surrendering to oneself by being yourself and understanding that to you the “hello” is meaningless dialogue, meant only for the moment, a dishonest moment, a polite moment where the “how are you” grants you the social points of the “normal” - so when confronted by someone who says “I don’t get it, they say ‘how goes’ but then smile and leave before the real answer is given - conclusion, they don’t really care so maybe it’s best if you learn not to care too - is this really wrong if not caring removes the pain of feeling that “no one” really cares, they just need to conform to the point collection - maybe enough social point work for others but I think for an Autistic person they feel better knowing they don’t keep score, and because of this they loose the job, friends etc but what they don’t loose is the sense of honesty they hold as one other their most cherished character traits.
@A S reading your comment made me pause. So many different ways of experiencing the world. His advice may work for some, but its never a one size fits all solution to the complexity of human emotions. also pain isnt always something to run away from, it can teach you and make you stronger. trying to be happy all the time is for people who are fake and cant handle reality. And just know there are people out there who actually mean and care to listen after saying " how are you". Its just not the majority, and it takes some time to get there with people. The more time you spend with people, the more they care about you and become invested/interested in your life.
For self protection, I learned a long time ago to stop trying to fit in...I had a few friends, but mostly avoided others, I loved being alone... there was always new things to explore, new things to learn... thanks Paul for your words of encouragement...
I vividly remember the day I realized I was different. A group of girls were gathered around a girl who was upset because her boyfriend just dumped her. We were only 10 or 11 years old. I just said, matter of factly, “wow that’s weird to cry about. We are just kids.“ and all their necks turned and looked at me with such a glare…another girl out our her hand and said “god that was really mean!!” And I thought I was showing I cared. I started to accept the images people projected onto me. Took years to tell my own story. Still working on it.
I used to be so open and then when I learned about Asperger's I realized I had problems with non verbal communication which others just sort of knew. So when I feel really overwhelmed it is tempting to be too open. Now I know that certain things can make others feel uncomfortable which I did not know when I was younger. Have to intellectually process things in order to deal with unfamiliar social situations.
The solution to this "be yourself - don't be yourself" dilemma is to think like a psychopath. Think about the people you NEED to approve of you (the people who have power over you), and then think about what they demand of you, and think of what behaviors will meet those demands.
Literally just had another convo with a NT who doesn’t get me at all and it’s exhausted 5 hours of my day today. I feel like I’m not on the board at all. I don’t want to be around people any more. I’m over it.
But I’m not in the “I don’t care” spectrum cuz it’s not like I want to be myself around people and just not care... I just don’t want to be around people anymore. Period. 😢
They dislike you for the way you are, then criticize you when you try to change.
i work with students across the school and detected a pattern each time I ran a dance session....my AS students never willingly participated or actually joined in at all. They would linger to the back and stay there....I noted this pattern and it is very real and very very accurate in noting which students struggle with social patterns as you mentioned. Well done Paul. You are spot on.
I am so glad I took off the mask, feel way happier being myself, than trying to please people that need everyone to be the same. Had more anxiety wearing a mask. Would rather be happy than feel unwell, pretending to be someone I'm not. I will be myself and not care what others think. Tried the opposite earlier made things way worse. What others think and feel about me, is not my concern. From valueing, accepting and loving myself then I feel more relaxed around others.
your name is ebony but you're white
I agree . drop the facade . we should care but not too much . but that doesnt mean be rude or disgusting or disrespectful
@@Lbf5677 Wrong, we're all black. Some people are just defective, in that they lack melatonin. :)
Nice explanation :) I'm a aspie as well and was diagnosed last year at the age of 27. Over the years I became this person I didn't want to be and acted in a way that wasn't me it felt as if I was putting on a mask each time I went out, then when I'm told to just be myself those who said it say why do you look depressed then I say I'm fine. I like to be quite and listen because when I'm in a social situation I can't really connect with people unless its talking about something I'm interested in heavily.
Now I'm working on trying to be more myself and seeing how far I want to push myself before I don't loose myself as that can make me get depressed even more. Right now as well I'm trying to work out what to do for work as I feel pretty useless but others see the side I don't, Since I got my diagnosis I've been studying autism and seeing how society deals with us and its not great, So I want to work towards improving this and to do this I'll need to work with an association who deals with autism.
Also I used to have a heap of 'friends' but since I stopped taking photos at the track of them as I used to be a photographer I don't hear from them anymore which is depressing and goes to show they where only interested in being my friend to see my photos of themselves.
Keep up the great work with your channel, I've been watching a few of your videos recently and also subscribed the other day as well :)
This dude has been a massive help to me given my late diagnosis at 44. I used to hit myself and cause myself harm for not being able to make friends and fit in. I would always blame myself and couldn't understand why.
Mask on mask off mask half way, doesn’t matter no one likes me anyway,
Nothing had ever made me accepted or wanted because no one likes me and I can’t act well enough to play a version of me who isn’t obviously different
It's not necessarily about being different. Maybe you just need to step back and not over think everything. Assuming that no one likes you, is you projecting that onto people and might not actually be the truth. Making friendships require effort from both sides, it also requires time, so be patient, make an effort and don't over think or assume people won't like you because you're different.
Then learn as much of mainstream interests as possible. Everybody likes people who follow them, it increases their value. If you can even make that appear authentic, then you win, bro !
Ooof
This outlook
No
That’s no way to live
I've found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helpful for addressing these kinds of persistent,
negative thoughts. I've got ASD, ADHD, Depression, and GAD. But I was only diagnosed with ASD and ADHD recently. It's hard work, but worthwhile. I hope this is helpful for you.
In that case you would break the 1/3 rule. That is the one that states that 1/3 of the people you meet (or know) will be completely indifferent to you, 1/3 will have friendly feelings, 1/3 will dislike you (on sight or later).
So: neutral, negative or just plain positive.
And sometimes you can do thing that will make them rethink and switch: you offend a neutral and he or she shifts to dislike, but you can also be kind and they will re-categorize you as a ' friendly' . It is a system which is not set in stone- it will always be influenced by *your* actions.
Act likeable and quite a lot of people around you will like you (or be neutral, that's just fine).
Just ask yourself: do you have a single strict recipe that tells you " if this happens you are loved" , because that may be off as well. People show appreciation in many, many ways - it is not necessary a hallmark-card with a tedybearpicture, precisely 3 days after you did something nice for them... it can be they start waving to you occasionally from across the street in passing...
I've always wondered why "be yourself" is common advice because it seems like nobody is really interested in the real Robin, but it's not like I can mask either, my best efforts to mask are able to get me to be "the weird girl" where I'm outside of the social bubble but at least not in another galaxy. But even that level of masking is exhausting. I dunno, it always seemed like "be yourself" means "be generically relateable", people only accept a dull and choreographed kind of awkwardness, but walking up to people in the store or other places and striking up a random conversation (and admittedly less of a conversation and more me sharing facts that I find interesting). I realize though people like people who fit in for some reason. I don't know. The idea of fitting in just always seemed so weird to me, like circular logic. "You have to do these things that others are doing because other people are doing them, you have to like what other people like, and other people like it because you're supposed to like it". Yet neurotypicals claim to value individualism, yet individualism seems to mean conform to _their_ group, not the other groups. I dunno, I think I'm just rambling. Sorry if my comment kinda went nowhere. It's just the only appeal that attempting to mask has is the fact that people are more likely to like me, but they don't really like me, they like the girl I'm pretending to be, which is really just a poor imitation of them. But I like talking to people. Is it weird that I have introvert tendencies of wanting alone time and no strong desire to hang out often yet extrovert tendencies to be outgoing and strike up random conversations and spend time talking to people?
Robin Brown Damn Reading this is like Reading my own mind. I can relate so much which just everything you just said!
Described me to a T
The not copying others is so tricky. When is it o.k. I still never get it at 44. I probably will never fit in.
Fitting in is overrated.
I used to take on the behavior and personality of others like a human chameleon. I still do sometimes.
just copy others, entirely. 100% what they do, but not so much that it seems like your mimicking. Once you figure out what people respond to, slowly dial it down to the point where you can express yourself genuinely without upsetting others.
@@nickmagrick7702 That advice seems harmful because you are admitting that you must first mask yourself.
I've passed a bad time disociating, but I am still young and I have rime to live and build relationships. Still, I think that no matter the age, it's never late to start to be yourself.
Personal case: I wqs taught with fear and shame not to be myself, I really feared and obeyed that person. The thing I started to do was stopping doing things because 'I had to do them' and begin to question whether or not I want to do them, ane why I want to do them (no arguments based on other people's opinions/expectations are valid). I know this process may be painful the first time, specially for those who suffer from Alexithimya (wrote it wrong?) for many years, but it is worth it. It may also seem that your answer to a really important question is 'I don't know', in that case, try to make you feel as much emotional intensity as you can based on the question, it can help. Anyway, I still have to go to un-make my life a mess.
I wiss you all good luck. Remember, "attitude is important"
I see you in the next conference of CEO's?
P.D.A.: Don't avoid conflict, even if you fear the net result will be 0, it's totally nworth it to try.
@@barraman. sad fact, you do have to mask yourself. Regardless of popular opinions, people are not excepting of those who are different even in civilized societies. Its one of the things I hate about society and culture.
Is it harmful? Possibly, but its better than the alternative and to be frank, theres no other way. The guy who posted this video is basically saying the same thing. Practice mimicking, then dial it back so you know which parts of your personality are appropriate to bring into social situations.
Take it from someone who has gone through the growing pains, and tried stubbornly for most his life not kneeling down and submitting to others. I hate the idea, and to an extent, I think its downright immoral. But necessary, none the less, and life aint fair and its no ones fault. It just is what it is.
P.S. I totally agree about not avoiding conflict, that that isnt a rule you can ALWAYS follow. When it comes to something important, you should absolutely stand up for what you believe in even if that means getting hurt or being an outcast. Too many people slink away at confrontation and abandon their morals to fit in and not be shamed. Even while advocating for mimicking others, I still say not to do that.
In a professional situation, I mask out of nesessity.
...
When trying to make friends, I don't, becuase if they can't acept that they arn't true friends.
I am a 'neurotypical' who has been watching your videos and learning from each one. Thank you for putting them on UA-cam! I have recently become acquainted with a couple of people who are on the spectrum (who have been diagnosed) and it has been very interesting learning how to interact with them so we can become (and remain) friends. My initial puzzlement as to why their behavior seemed 'off' vanished completely when they said, 'I'm on the autistic spectrum.' Bingo! It was easy from then on, to engage with them and attempt to see things from their perspective, rather than making the wrong assumptions about them.
There is the possibility of misunderstanding on both sides. From the neurotypical side, it's possible to misunderstand because we assume things we shouldn't, based on the spectrum person's behaviour. Especially if we don't know this person is on the spectrum. We may think a person is just plain rude, for example, because they don't employ social niceties to soften a negative statement. However, the person on the spectrum is worried that they MIGHT be misunderstood, because they don't know how their speech is going to be received. Or are taken aback by the reaction they get to what is well-meant and honest.
Just as a first step, I think honesty and clarity are important for both sides. It's important for the person on the spectrum to be able to say out loud 'I'm on the spectrum,' and maybe explain what that is like for them ...as you have done so well in these videos. The neurotypical should also learn to be honest, and to express themselves clearly in words. Don't waste time giving hints. Instead, say clearly how you feel, what your reactions are, and what you expect.
Both people can give feedback to each other as to how things are progressing from their end. When either isn't sure about something, they should feel safe enough within the relationship to just ask.
One problem I've had with one of my new friends is his tendency to assume diplomacy is dishonesty. In a technical sense it is, of course. Saying, 'No, that's okay,' when something is not, IS technically dishonest. However, it's not 'bad' dishonest, like telling a lie to get yourself out of trouble. It's a social nicety, meant to keep the other person from feeling bad over something that is minor in the present, or happened in the past and no longer matters. We neurotypicals understand this unspoken code. But a person on the spectrum might struggle. 'Is it REALLY okay?' So much better if the neurotypical says, 'Yes, you did hurt my feelings a little, but I'm not angry or upset. Don't worry. We're fine. You were just being honest with me, and I appreciate that.'
You are very articulate & you're are hitting a lot of relevant areas for me. My husband & myself are in the process of trying to get him diagnosed with Asperger's. Not so easy at the age of 58!
Where I live there is no clinical pathway to an ASC diagnosis. I took the screening test of our local Autism Society and found no doubt in all tests that I am an Aspie, indeed on 2 of the tests I was rather extreme. Its not a clinical diagnosis but it is good enough for me and explained the problems I've had in life. I learned by telling close relatives that there is no guarrantee of understanding or compassion. I am content to be the outsider, the observer, people leave me alone and I like that. I am now 68. My worst/best reading? Empathy - very little - yet I have been a Medic for 40 years. It is a gift - see it that way. Eddie
I can't mimic others. I tried. I tried emulating movements, and word patterns. Doesn't work. I am still encouraged to be a clone and follow unwritten rules. I now try to be myself. Easy. But I'm still ignored. A no win situation. I am undiagnosed, yet I see similarities with autism, particularly Asperger's. I talk to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully it can lead to something. I'm lonely. I'm ugly. I'm friendless. I'm discouraged.
Booze. Idk
*hugs*
"How many friends am I gonna make if I run through a shopping mall naked?"
At least a couple.
At 58 and after becoming aware of my ASD last year, I hadn’t realised I was masking. A really helpful video. Thanks so much for the advice and clarification. 😌
Wow, amazing video! This "balancing act" can be very difficult sometimes, especially when you're just trying to make it thru each day. Thanks for this.
I have found that by keeping the focus on the other person, I can get through most encounters without too many problems. Just affirming their statements is enough to keep them going. This may sound calculating, but it works for me.
Often works that way, doesn't it?
NT People: Just be Yourself
Aspie [acts as themselves]
NT People: Not like THAT!
My experience was that not only did I not get the "do what I'm doing" part until long after my peers did, but when I did get it, I rebelled against it, seeing it as totally irrational (to an extent, I still do; though I intellectually understand the need for convention and shared culture; and I've always made a distinction between rules/law, convention, and morality). And when I understood that the popular children were the very ones who were my worst persecutors, I wanted nothing more to do with "fitting in". It wasn't that I rejected people out of hand, but I was no longer willing to make any effort; people either accepted me as I was or didn't and I wasn't going to make any effort to reconcile the latter. And because of my social phobia, I mostly kept to myself.
The interesting part was that once I stopped trying, I fit in better (probably, I became less belligerent); though even as an adult, I usually feel like an outsider, which is both bad and good (there is a certain objectivity one gets from looking at the situation from the outside).
It is possible to meet people who genuinely care. Thank you Paul.
So true. Both extremes are difficult and sad. Everyone wears a mask to some degree. It takes time to get comfortable enough with another person to show them what you really think and feel. And it's always a risk. As has been noted, people on the autism spectrum have very different interests than most people. This means there will be few people with whom we can establish an intimate connection. But there's a huge difference between few and none.
You explain this very well. Thank you for creating this content.
Makes sense, wish I had this knowledge growing up. I made alot of mistakes that I am very sorry for but even when I say I don't care I still am polite to people when approached. I was badly influenced by a horrible person growing up and didn't want me to be happy. My father didn't bring me to be checked out of autism because he taught I was "slow" so he made me believe that everyone was like me and I have biboler disorder but it's manageable because I am person who always tries to better myself.
I wonder if the NTs are not doing the same thing. Acting. Playing roles. Change their personality in different inviroments, to different ppl. Maybe the difference is, that for Aspies it's difficult, because they have a deep feeling and love for the truth, and justis. Maybe the Aspies are bodered more about the masking and acting, because it's against their nature to be deceptive. Are there any studies in this direction that u know of?
That's an interesting one. I'm sure there are lots that do this. For me, mimicking can get socially and emotionally taxing overtime because it's not me- sometimes it can lead to depression for some folks.
I know that some Narcissists are very good actors and chameleons. They do it with malevolent intentions that serve them only, they feel nothing as long as they can gain something from their targets.
That’s what I thought ... then again I’ve had to realize “Wait ... so you’re saying that isn’t normal?” For too many things, so I’m not exactly the most reliable person to answer this. Any NT’s in the audience that would like to answer the question?
They do of course do this all the time, if your in any doubt read some Jungian Philosiphy or better yet play the Persona Series :D
Sure NT's do this. I think there are some key differences, though - I don't think they tend to do it to the extent and intensity that some autistic people do, and without the resulting amount of energy depletion, as well. You may hear them describe it as wearing a different hat for different occasions (which goes along with his clothing analogy), whilst for many autistic folks, it's more like wearing full body armour. An NT is often still themselves, just slightly dressed-up or dressed-down, depending on the occasion. They also might more naturally be able to take the hat off once the situation that calls for it is over.
This is part of socialization which is a natural process for most NT's. For those on the spectrum, this tends not to be very, if at all natural and can be difficult to comprehend. It's also very difficult to know what to do for each situation so we might be more likely to try to wear all the "hats" all the time. But we may also learn that hats aren't the only things that we need to change to fit in a given situation, so we start adding more and more pieces of "clothing". It can go to the extent that you can't see the person underneath at all at any point.
All that extra clothing can become like a shield and once you find that kind of protection, being exposed again to the "elements" can be terrifying, especially since our "bodies" are not suited for this environment the way NT's are. Unfortunately, it can also be extremely draining to be constantly trying to move since it's so heavy, thick and stuffy, and we also have to constantly manage and monitor it, making sure nothing falls off or if something needs to be shifted. It eventually gets to the point where cons outnumber the pros by a significant amount. Now, it's so draining to socialize, that I avoid it. So I'm still lonely AND I'm burned out and exhausted... I'm well on my way to pursuing a hermetic style of life.
So, there is a point in wearing some clothing, but not so much that it's out of control. The question becomes, *how*? Some autistic people struggle to wear any clothing while others struggle with wearing too much.
@@AwedByOdd I love ur analogy with the cloth. Thank u for ur very interesting thoughts. It was kind a eye-opener.
I admit that running naked in the context you describe is a form of bullying because to do such a thing requires the knowledge that the public will be traumatized by the threat of the sexual harassment implied thereby. However, because a convention against public nudity that is carried to the extreme of making a law about it appears a pathology, we should not have to condescend by joining society in its phobia about it. There are many cultures and communities where nudity is accepted and these communities are less plagued by sexual harassment than the rest of society.
What is more, certain demands to "fit in" require a violation of conscience and a renunciation of one's cultural standards; for instance, supporting football complete with its concussion problems and promotions of unhealthy lifestyle or the fraud of commercial pop culture pretending to be an advanced serious art form. People deserve to be allowed to discriminate by choosing cultures created by people who presume the utmost dignity of their audiences rather than regarding their target audience as an uneducated unintelligent mob from whom to program to conform to something easy to harvest the maximum wealth and fame from.
Two words: thought control.
Your videos have been so helpful to me because you are so articulate and it helps both myself and others understand this spectrum better. Thank you so much for what you do. It is so appreciated!
Paul your video really hit home for me. I honestly have been having a very hard time dealing with these exact issues that you are addressing in this video. I have been watching your channel much more recently because I feel understood when I do. Thank you and please keep doing what you're doing.
It's like learning to juggle; getting the whole thing right of not trying too little or too hard ...
Your explanation was very clear and I thank you a lot for making the video ;)
It's like you're reading my mind on most of these. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's mind works this way❣️
This is such a wonderful lesson. I will be sharing this with the people in my life.
I find it hard to be myself at work, when I am in my room my intrest shopping and research goes crazy, sometimes I just focus on one thing other time I link things. I like music (Roon is a great music player) I like media. Sometimes I have days where I can't focus, zoned out to the point where I need to stare at a corner of a room and think everything.
I feel like I might try and talk more to people, I like talking to people at work, I just run out of things to say, I need to put in effort, I just feel like I go to do it, then I am like nahh, don't want it to be awkward
So relatable. During music, in elementary school, I could produce sound from any instrument handed to me. I used to immediately learn songs, and as that was boring, I'd harmonise, which the teacher could hear, to entertain myself. "Marching to Victoria," honey, I popped up an octave or two on the last syllable of Victoria. So fun. My teacher kinda knew why I was doing it, and since I wasn't being disruptive, and she could see my sheer enjoyment, she let me. I was her "Georgia Peach," with a thick Southern drawl. Gifted. Yay. But man, she was probably the best teacher I ever had as a kid.
This is so great! Being myself is what got me into trouble in the first place. It’s good to be somewhere in the middle. Thanks for this!
This is the video I've been looking for! Just got diagnosed (29 years old) and your videos have been so helpful to my self discovery journey. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 💕
Masking gets really hard sometimes. Whenever I’m under pressure I kinda just say random things hoping that it works out. I don’t really know who I am or what I’d like to do when I’m older either and it scares me.
You're you.
Knowing who you are would mean you're a stereotype, a caricature, an NPC, what writers call the cardboard character.
Life is doubt.
Doubt means learning.
Learning means adventure.
Adventure means fun, or death.
You can choose 'fun'..
or pretend to choose it means 'fun,' because what are the options?
Besides, you can only be certain that it means death.. If you've died..
So fkk it, your definitions about life, adventure, or fun are *_as Valid as any other creature in the universe_*
If they don't like it, let 'em sue ya, the busybody fkkrs tryin' to tell ya what to do all the time like they've lived so many life times they got the bugs all figured out??
You'll get older all too soon. Carpe the deim.. or carpe tomorrow..
Ride the horse and explore where it bucks you off..
TL:DR, idk
@@Dr.JustIsWrong thanks for replying, I wrote my original comment three years ago so it's nice to see it again... kind of baffles me how I still resonate with it. ALTHOUGH I am not masking as much around my friends which is cool :) nice response, thanks!!
I had a 3.8 GPA in high school but wasn’t allowed in the honor society because I couldn’t communicate.
Thank you so much for putting, what's seems to be, my life into words. I really appreciate you doing this and it has given me the reflection I was ( desperately) searching for.
I am feeling immeasurable gratitude. Watching your channel helps me so much!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And many many more! Gemma
Yes...i've always had a compelling drive to have original ideas. Only ever experienced anxiety as a child when expected to be like others. Thanks for educating the world. xx
I'd allways say: Be "close" to yourself instead of: Be yourself.. everyone has their own perspective on life, so it wouldn't make sense for me to expect people to behave in a way that I'm used to.
ps: being yourself is a code language for act the way thats percieved and accepted by society.. which is a joke since most standards are set and by (mostly) moronic people who dont know what the hell their doing..
You have a point
Hello,
This is the first time I have really commented on UA-cam (I made this account to follow exercise and food channels and never used it) but I just wanted to say how helpful your video has been to me in my place right now.
As a fellow person with Asperger's syndrome who has had a similar experience, it is nice hearing someone else touch on it so authentically with actual good advice following up. I have denied my condition all my life even after being diagnosed almost 10 years ago because I never felt like I was ever right being me and it made more sense to try and mimic others. As you can imagine it worked horribly but I managed to camouflage myself into situations I probably should not have tried to camouflage myself into.
With the help of therapy, I was able to finally fully accept that I have Asperger's and the difference between a partial and a full acceptance is astonishing but also very confusing. I struggled recently with deciding to continue to blend in or just 'be myself' and continue to suffer.
Watching your video helped me put it into perspective a little. I was having a rough day and was burnt out and at a point where I just wanted to give up. I watched lots of videos on asperger's hoping to find something that resonated with me (very difficult when morals and perspecitives differ between individuals and youtubers) and this video in particular felt like advice that I have been looking to find.
I hope you or someone else reads this and finds it nice, either way I am grateful to have found your channel and although it is not a fix of my life it is helping me regain confidence.
Thank you
You're welcome. Glad you find it helpful :)
I must say the way You explain things here is the best explanation I have heard ever - deep and simple in same time. Its a talent.
Thank you for taking your time to shed light on this important aspect of Aspergers. I have learned a lot from watching your videos, thank you!
This has inspired me to perhaps start a "High Functioning Autistic Nude Beach" so that we can let our hair down and run about...
Metaphorically of course...
As someone who's on the spectrum and growing their hair out, I agree in the literary sense
Of course literally you can start the vlog and I will follow, I am sh4dow B@nned, no one will ever see the "Beach"
This is actually a pretty cool idea.
I'd go tp that beach. It's not like any of us would look directly at anyone else's naked butt.
Actually, a lot of people go to nude beaches to chill. Believe it or not, at the nude beach I go to the gay male section is the mellowest area of the whole beach.
This video is so good as reflected in some really interesting comments. I'm not sure if I'm AS or NT but I feel I can get to the middle but I have to pick my battles and choose what is really important to me. For me that meant I prioritised friends over romantic relationships, which I just found too complicated and hard. And at work I focus on cementing existing relationships over trying to forge new ones. I have colleagues who can "do it all" but for me I feel I'd rather use my energy to do a few things well, rather than try to do everything and burn out. Maybe there are only so many versions of "us" that we can maintain, as each one burns a lot of calories?
This is great advice in general. Great work pal
Thank you for explaining the why's and how's of doing the middles, instead of our natural extremes. Its a relief to hear someone explain things from the inside of autism, not imposing assumptions from the outside, looking in.