Why socialising can be PAINFUL! (for autistic people)
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- There's a myth that autistic people are not social or that we're not interested in friends. The truth is that sometimes socialising can be extremely tiring, and even painful. It takes energy to do what the people around you expect. I don't always have that energy.
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplain...
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul
I like being an observer of socializing. I'll hangout with my friends and larger groups frequently, but I don't like being engaged with, just let me be there in the moment. It's when I'm constantly engaged with that I get uncomfortable, irritable, or drained.
Oh yes! I know what you mean. I also feel kind of fine just being left alone to observe and not having to perform
That's totally how I started my job. I kept super silent and compliant the first year, listening & observing everybody (from the Alpha to the Omega and how they treated each from verbal to non-verbal). I went on "medical leave" for 4 months. Came back super social and hitting every social + point, and started killing it. Why the 4 months? I was creating the character I needed to be at the job.
I left a Christmas party expressly because people were trying to involve me. Had I just been left alone I'd have been fine....
*hang out
sameee
"...I think I've drifted significantly from the topic." - Story of my life.
But give me another couple hours i will come around and tie it all together.
Haha yes but I always bring it back around at some point 😂
If "going off on a tangent" ever became an Olympic event, I'm a serious contender for the New Zealand team.
Just wonderful, I been tryin to find out about "introvert vs shy vs social anxiety" for a while now, and I think this has helped. You ever tried - Deyriannal Startling Dominance - (just google it ) ? It is an awesome exclusive product for discovering how to stop your shyness and anxiety issues minus the hard work. Ive heard some decent things about it and my friend got cool success with it.
Bunny 🐰 trail
socializing is like navigating a minefield with little or no reward.
Couldn't have said it better
Greoge Brewer great way to describe!
On the flip side, there seem to be heaps of punishment for avoiding socializing
It's like playing minesweeper and everyone except you has a cheat map
@@Garfeef That's a very apt analogy. Especially when you consider what it must look like from the perspective of the other players: "who's the weirdo that keeps stepping on these clearly-marked mines? What are they, some kind of idiot?"
when im tired, exhausted, or confused my social skills dont work any more. its like this:
nt:"thank you!" - "have a nice day!"
me: (with pokerface) "yes" -a moment later: thinking: "i think that was the wrong reaktion..."
My brain just shuts down when I feel overwhelmed and I truly can’t find the words.
Phone calls aren't the best: 'See you soon' to someone I have never seen and never will see or hear from again.
Don't know whether I've got autism or not, but I notice that, when I'm mentally tired, I notice that in conversations I tend to stutter a bit and I do efforts to look for words... My fear Is that I don't sound cool, professional... But After a while, all i Need Is ti unplug!
One time I said "you too" when someone said "thanks again for the gift" to me... or a few days ago when I asked the wrong person if the clothes that my mom gave her fit, her sister said yes and I responded "ok good, tell her that" I meant to say I tell my mom that... I swear it's just scrambled stuff I say that I know is polite, but doesn't make any sense. The embaressment...
The thing is: I always thought everyone felt like this! And it’s just that no one talks about it and when people go out they just act happy and social and some do it better than others. I cannot imagine that others don’t feel all of this all of the time
Exactly!!!
You can only keep an act up for so long till it drives you insanely tired. Thats not even up for debate. The people who did it "better" is cause those are naturally chatter boxes because their favorite way to pass time is to socialize. There is no act in this.
De Nile is not just a river in Egypt...speaking for neurotypical/normals (well I still prefer to call myself an Abbey normal them anything shocking i choose 2 share I can say I warned u...u should have walked away then) I like cyclical thinking/talking n I think autistics r the most interesting/never boring to speak with eh!?!!9:49Pm9/24/2023
You're not wrong. Everyone does feel like this!
It's just that having a mental condition amplifies certain aspects of how humans exist and function, causing those individuals dealing with their condition more difficulties.
NTs might feel tired from socializing after a social event too, because they also had to put in some effort to interact in a sociable way, but since the effort they need to invest in socializing is comparably smaller, they might bounce back from the tiredness much faster.
As someone who has ADHD and low-level autism, I struggle with what I call "sudden" interactions (for instance, someone all of a sudden turns to me and our eyes cross), so I usually feel compelled to say something and I end up saying incoherent things, because my brain generates multiple thoughts at the same time and they all want to come out as words, at the same time. 😅
I mean, I like myself being "silly" like that, but I also do worry that the person doesn't end up feeling uncomfortable around me because of a quirk like that.
As for daily socializing, sometimes you dread saying hello because the other person might want to be your friend and now you have to talk to them or things get weird. I've learned to be cognizant of my interactions with some people so they don't latch on. And I'm also working on my exit strategy when I do get roped into conversations.
Let me know your exit strategy. I have tried passing myself with people but they latch on hello how are you turns into coffee then lunch.
Some of them will hold you captive for 5 or 6 hours. I go bright red because I have talked incessantly for hours.
You realise you have nothing in common with that person.
Then they order another coffee after the lunch. And they suggest you go back to there house for another coffee because five hours of drivel isn't enough.
Once these people get their hooks into you it's hard to escape.
@@karenohanlon4183 Most people value their time and who they choose to spend it with, therefore they turn down those they don't want to hang with. I say this because you shouldn't feel guilt or a sense of obligation for doing the same. Hell, some people know they have nothing in common with you, but they'd prefer to have anybody around than to be alone. But that's something they have to resolve themselves.
If someone asks to go out for lunch tell them you can't make it. If you already had anything planned then you can tell them so. Don't feel you have to come up with some elaborate explanation to spare their feelings, it's not that serious.
If you're at work, and are heading back to your department, let them follow you and engage in conversation as you're walking there. If they are still around, acknowledge what they said and tell them you'll pick up your conversation later. These are a few examples but I've dealt with many variations on this. Let me know if it helps.
@@karenohanlon4183 I have no idea how to extract myself from these scenarios.
I am very depressed and alone, I feel like im my own worst enemy. I know if I socialise more I will feel less lonely but somehow I cant push myself to do it
Totally understand. That's also where I am at the moment. I know I should go out and socialise and make the arrangements only to cancel at the last minute with some lame excuse.
Yeah I know. Just cant
I'm still in the same boat but I've found that alot of people feel this way - very rarely do people go out just for the sake of socializing. The "secret" I've found is you need a hobby or activity that you're doing outside by yourself at first that other people can join you in. Mine lately is fishing, never thought I'd enjoy it but it's a great solo activity and paves the way for communication with strangers and acquaintances.
TehCacti don’t feel bad mate that’s lots of us who feel the same I totally relate. Although depression and loneliness is very small to me. Yes I literally don’t like to ppl. Only at work.
Stay strong get therapy that helps a lot.
Try talking online more? I know it's not the same, but that's exactly why it's easier. That way you get some socializing, and it could help you get better.
It's hard for me to come up with a conversation out of thin air. Sometimes I can with certain people, but often times I'd rather just sit in silence. Makes it hard to make friends but I usually use a hobby to make contact.
Ive experienced long lonely periods in life, sometimes when someone smiles and waves I'm genuinely very surprised, embarrassed and then feel it's too late when I realize it was actually for me.
Yes
While my situation is not as severe as some, I can relate to just about everything you are describing. However - and it pains me to say this - these facts cannot be understood (or even believed) by many people who have not experienced them.
@User2420 Most people do not want to make the effort to meet us half way but I agree it's possible.
True
If neurodivergent people can understand neurotypical people with effort then neurotypical people can understand neurodivergent people with effort. It goes both ways.
@@raccoontrashpanda1467 but the problem is that we live in a neurotypical world. So neurodivergent people had to learn how to be neurotypical their whole life's but neurotypical people never had to learn how to be neurodivergent
That is a problem!
I am a self diagnosed high functioning autistic woman. I can usually mask, pretend to be super social and at times I can be the life of the party. But every time, I need so much rest and alone time. I wish I could turn it off but it's automatically switched on as soon as I see another human being I know.
Or at times, I get super overwhelmed and become socialy akward and can't seem to read the room. Regardless, I'm usually trying to find the perfect time to leave.
Thank you for mentioning how difficult 'simple' and every-day tasks are like getting out of bed, getting dressed. I don't think alot of people fully comprehend how mentally difficult and therefore physically difficult doing these things are for some of us, and then we have to do them one after the other in a short space of time. incredibly debilitating and overwhelming before you even add on leaving your room/house and then social interaction.
Once I tried jut not talking to people. After 10 days I was feeling totally depressed so that doens't work either. I see socialising like going to the gym: I don't wanna do it, I won't enjoy it, but it keeps me healthy
I’ve gone months without talking to a single soul and it feels wonderful to me, I work with animals but they come with their owners and I’m forced to talk to them… I can’t stand it! But I do it cause I need the money lol I just wish the world was only populated with animals and ZERO humans 🤭😁🤣
That is certainly a good way of putting it :)
@@ArcturianGirl well you will have to eliminate yourself too, if you want zero humans. You sound like a sad person.
I can't wait til Augmented Reality and I can set myself to DO NOT DISTURB because people can't understand the closed body language I already use.
At my place of work we (NT and NA) each had a flip-card thing with green (sure, speak to me), orange (only if important), red (not unless vital/emergency). The song "All around my hat" by "Steeleye Span" is based on the ancient English folk practice of wearing green willow (around hat) to indicate to others when you were depressed (so they could avoid or comfort you). Perhaps phones/watches could have "radar screen" apps equivalent to this?
“It was too much energy to wave back”. ASD almost sounds like severe depression or strong introversion. It may come across as narcissism. I’m not saying if that behavior is me but I’ve certainly acted like that often.
I think, often, people with ASD come across as narrsasstic, but people with ASD can feel emotions, and sense they may have offended or insulted someone. Narrsasstic people do not have any feelings of having offended or insulted someone, they are not capable of that.
Depression is common sadly. Introversion is strong for sure. Narcissim possibly but also we have special needs
@@pbj4338 yes I do it to manage my life not to manipulate others
@@pbj4338yes they do
I have this problem at work... I'm kinda forced to interact. It's okay at first, but after the first two hours, I'm already drained. I feel eyes on me 24/7 (of which I'm hyperconscious of), and I'm constantly aware of my RBF and the fact that I'm being semi-dismissive with people. I get this urge to stim to calm myself down, and I'm literally fighting myself just to try to act normal. Worst of all, my convos are short because it's hard to find a good common topic with other people without coming across as too strange and freaking them out. It's hell...
I don't talk to people unless I want to or have to. This has cost me many friends. Friends that I never particularly liked anyways. So maybe I should have fewer friends?
not a bad plan. I have moved cities a few times, and I simply dont have the bandwidth or desire to maintain an old social connection virtually. it feels plastic. So I have honestly just never ever reached out to the people who I basically will never see in person again. But with the people who I do or can see with some regularity, I do try and be a good friend.
Yes better to have a few quality then being overwhelmed by people you don't really care for
some people force their way into friendships with you and then you’re like ‘ohh fuck i have a responsibility with this person now’. A responsibility that you didn’t ask for in the first place. 💀
Just find more you like
Something I do if I'm walking down the road and I see someone I know in the distance is to fasten my pace so that I pass by them (if they're standing at the bus stop, for instance) and give a quick hello and cheery wave as I go by. If they're walking ahead I just slow right down so that I don't catch them up and keep my eyes down or looking at the gardens so there's no eye contact if they happen to look around, lol. Or even duck down a side street. Otherwise, if I'm really exhausted, or burnt out, I can't go out anyway as I don't drive and it entails walking everywhere or catching a bus. And I never answer the phone when I'm like that either...or sometimes when I'm not, as I hate using the phone! :D
Ha ha i avoid people i know too 😊 sometimes people say hello to me and its like there's a delay between my brain and mouth. By the time i get around to saying hello back the person has gone by and i feel like they think i'm being rude.
If you look away like that unless they have a really bland head they’ll know yr avoiding eye contact
I completely agree. Every single time I have tried I usually say some thing that makes people uncomfortable and then they think I’m weird and don’t wanna relationship with me or are mad at me for the rest of the day. I prefer just not talking at all that makes things easier that way. I really wish I didn’t feel this way but genuinely, it gets very frustrating when everyone points out your flaws constantly.
Couldn’t agree more. I don’t have the energy for most people and I feel like I have to smile or communicate just to please them but now I just be myself and let them deal with their own opinions
I'm 32 and thanks to you and your videos I can begin to heal and understand myself..I have been suffering for years undiagnosed scared. Bless you 😇🙏 thanks man
Wow, that person taking a taxi in order to avoid speaking to a ticket seller is so like me! How many times I've chosen the postal machine option to just avoid contact with a mailman, or catering option to avoid going to a grocery store... And how many times was I deeply ashamed of myself later because of that.
Idk if you made an episode about Aspies being bullied in their own families when they were children, pushed by their parents to be 'normal' at any cost, without any kind support from them, and how it affects our adult lives (constantly feeling ashamed, inadequate, weird, not enough for society, not deserving anything good from life).
Thank you for your videos and your channel, it's so eye-opening for a late-diagnosed Aspie like me. Please keep on publishing.
I am walking extra few blocks to avoid greeting the flower seller on my street...
For me, I've come up with code phrases between me and close ones like "I've run out of spoons" which means I don't have anymore energy to talk - and they completely understand.
But in other cases, especially if it's a complete stranger - I tend to lie and say something like "Please don't talk to me right now, I have a headache" and that's enough of a repellant.
This is inspiring to me.
Thank you for this. I have a good example from my life and not having the energy to talk, but having to.
Every four weeks I have to go into hospital for an infusion with the medicine for my MS. I literally have to, or basically my life could be challenged. I then have to be in a room full of people, all talking, sick with MS which scares me so much cause I see my future, I always think, and for whom I feel so bad; and that, for two hours. People try to talk to me. Nurses also come and talk to me, about my health, and do small talk, and sometimes even to try to do spontaneous tests. It really is hell for me. Sometimes there is space in a separate room, but I never know when that will be and when I have to be in the big room.
Well, last wednesday, I did not have the energy when I came in; because different really emotional things had already happened that morning (almost car accident cause partner got really sick; a doctor who was rude to me, etc.). And I simply was stuck. Could not talk to the nurses, but simply had to, abut my body and health; so I was not friendly, at all. But told her I had a bad day. She did not understand and kept talking.
Well...back in the car with my partner, had a big meltdown. Which could be expected, but was terrible for both of us. And we are both recovering, I think.
I apologize for this long story, but I really needed to share this. :(
thanks for sharing!
Aspergers from the Inside and thank you for this reaction!
I used to have to go to infusion center for an autoimmune disease. There was a simi private room that I usually got thank god. Maybe you can have your spouse advocate for you and ask for it as a standing order. Bring a book or tablet and say upfront that this is a great book and you want to rest. That was helpful to me. Also ear buds or headphones. Or when they come up pretend you are napping.
Zoey D thank you so much for this!! I appreciate it very much. I am sorry that you had to go through something like this, too. Good ideas, thank you. I use to do a lot of what you say, already. But it does not really help; not too much empathy there........ well, I am proud to say that a few days ago, I sent my neurologist an energency e-mail about this; also better than talking to her in person or via telephone. (My partner does usually come along, but he finds this difficult as well.) I am curious about her reaction.
@@-melanie-1115 Also I use to pick slow days for the infusion with the scheduler. Although there might not be slow days where you go. Wednesday was usually a little more quiet. Great idea emailing your neurologist. I would think they would understand.
Perfect example of this: Donkey's years ago in my late teen/early 20's learning how to socialise and go on nights out drinking and trying to be "normal", was actually quite harrowing dealing with the after effects. No, it wasn't down simply a hangover - it was down to using massive amounts of psychological energy to socialise. I'd go out on a Friday and/or Saturday in pubs and nightclubs and get blind drunk, like anybody else.
However, it would *literally* take me until Wednesday to recharge - and obviously due to work commitments one couldn't simply stay off for a couple of days because "Urgh, people"; so I'd go to work and just do work related stuff, and simply barely communicate at all. Then you find yourself getting hauled into the manager's office because "What's your problem? What's with your attitude?", and you're like "Why are you hauling me in over not speaking to people, I'm doing my job perfectly fine? No?". There was only the supervisor who just thought "Oh, Mark stuff - it's how he operates. Whatever, I'm here for when you snap out of it" who didn't subject me to a pointless Spanish Inquisition that wasted mine, and their time.
its like I understand I should interact but I don’t know how to? gives me so much anxiety
Haha opposite happens to me, i know how but i dont see why i should, its like i just feel more comfortable being alone
Thank you for putting this out there...going to the hair salon drains me so much...I don't go to nail salon or anything like that...it just drains me.
Every time I try to socialize I get migraines because I need to choose my words carefully.
Sometimes Autistic ask questions too much and sometimes they font know that their being rude so the more that they made mistakes the more the carefull
I have a few theories about my constant exhaustion. One is that I'm 35 and approaching middle age. One is my high metabolism not letting me store fat.
But the main reason is related to this video:
It is so much more of an effort for me as an autistic to be a normal, responsible, social adult. To live up to NT standards. Fighting against executive dysfunction and being socially inept. Even the level of inhibition it takes to hold back impulses to say or do random things (little things like a sound, or a stim)
It is extremely exhausting to appear NT so I can keep friends and family close and get practice.
Absolutely the same for me.
There's no such thing as a high or low metabolism, it only accounts for a few hundred calories that you can have back with an energy bar. What happens to people who can't put on weight is 1. Your NEAT is too high, 2. You have no idea about calories and nutrition, and 3. You have very high-low grelin and leptin hormone response (that's hunger and satiety). Most times is all together. Solution: learn to cook high calorie dense meals with low volume spread over 4-5 meals a day and try live a bit more sedentary. Boom you gain weight.
yeah, I often wonder whether if I had more autistic friends, or just nt friends who knew and accepted me more deeply, maybe I'd feel less inclined to mask all the time and thus feel less drained.
But maybe that is the case for a lot of people. Maybe 50%
@@moonbread2334 I´m a NT person whatever that means. To fit on society nowadays is so hard to bear that I find myself safe and sound with my autistic friend, because despite our differences as human beings, both of us hate to mask how we feel to please others so one thing I love about him is to be straight when he speaks, no lies and just being there talking or not. We love people we know deeply. You made a lovely point in your theory: to feel yourself less drained because you are loved the way you are. And the way life made you is perfection as well. Cheers!
I'm the same when it comes to trivial communication however when someone needs help I cant wait to help them and it makes me feel so much better.
im so relieved to hear the intro to this video. i have quit my gym membership because they had a 'motivator' who kept checking in with you during your workout sessions. i found that so irritating, i eventually dreaded it more than the workout itself. but noone else seemed bothered which left me even more puzzled to why i cant be 'normal'
thanks for the video. socializing can be so draining.
Thank you for this. Explains why I feel tired when I get home. I like socializing but sometimes I just dont want to and some days I cant face leaving the house.
you explained all perfect ! just wish l was that good ,l struggle mostly at work l have to deal with potential clients l'm self-employed, and even though l don't earn a great deal of money l need an accountant which makes my earnings even less.l could never work for a company l tried in the past its to much demands and control over me l always end up needing days off to recover. thanks paul. Steve UK
My husband has Asperger‘s. Thank you for explaining this!
I just realized what goes on when I see an argument beginning with my ex. Its the attention I can't handle when being asked pointed questions. It's been a very common spark that has ignited many a bust up! But it's taken years to see what the problem is. Phew. Done.
I've just started watching all your videos as i've self discovered recently. I still say you're a godsend. You've made so much sense of why i have been the way i am for the 36 years i've been on this planet. I cannot thank you enough for this enlightenment. Everything you say i relate to in one form or another. Its very apparent to me i have this without a shadow of a doubt now.
I just discovered your channel. As an adult diagnosed with AS, I've found the videos very helpful and informative. Thank you. I thought I was the only person that SO dreaded interacting with others during routine daily activities. I'll wait in a long line at the self service check-out at the grocery store just so I don't have to engage with a chatty cashier or another customer in line. I also spend time thinking about what I am going to say and reply to a conversation (either in person or over the phone) that hasn't even taken place. It can be quite draining trying to anticipate social transactional signals, body language cues, and spoken inflection and tone in an effort to decipher the appropriate message being sent and giving an acceptable reply. Even the simplest tasks can leave me feeing drained when those unavoidable interactions occur.
I hate small interactions. I don’t mind having conversations with people I’m comfortable with. But I have extreme discomfort when ordering food at a restaurant, ordering a drink at a bar, small talk with a stranger, telling a panhandler I don’t have any change, small talk with coworkers,etc… and since I have that discomfort I come off as awkward, weird, mean etc.
Also cannot stand going to the barber or taking Uber rides.
Paul, thank you for helping me to better understand my son. He's nearly 30, and I had no idea what life was like for him until I started watching your videos. Thank you from both of us!
Is it just me or is he extremely good looking. Like I’ve literally watched all of his videos to stare at him lol. Not trying to be creepy but yeah.
Yeah. He is. But I think you have crush 😜
Karhu I think I quite possibly do🤔😂
I think it’s because he is too smart.
Your username and pic are iconic ❤️
I want close friends but the draining and painful feeling after social interactions makes it so hard..it’s a vicious cycle of being disappointed and then hiding away again..it’s made me develop severe depression
Nailed it yet again.
Thank you very much and all the best!
I had a job and there was a security guard who always said Hello to me when I came in. He thought he was being friendly, he had no idea how much dread and anxiety he was causing me. I had to face him ever morning, and at lunchtime, I would prepare a lunch at home if I had time to avoid him but I didn't always. I used to look with jealousy at all the other people walking past unnoticed, sometimes I would try to get in behind someone to avoid him. At another job there was a Big Issue seller I had to walk past to get into work, for a few months I managed to get past him without any interaction, but somehow he noticed me and clicked that I was avoiding any interaction, from then I got abuse every time I passed him. At the supermarket I use the self-checkouts to avoid having to stand and watch the checkout assistant doing it for me, I guess they get a bit bored sitting there all day, because they always want a word. Now they've got to know me too and sometimes I can hear them making comments or one of them will say very loudly, this checkout is free. Which of course all adds to the stress and anxiety. Sometimes I tell people I'm on the spectrum, but even then the don't really understand and they usually just forget or go back to judging you as they were before.
Move to sweden. Noone will ever talk to you. Swedish culture values privacy even in public spaces.
I think I would have multiple examples for such kind of situations, lol.
But the most present is my current work situation.
I've been working in a relatively small space with many people in some kind of sheltered workshop (for ergotherapeutic reasons), hence lots of noises and social interactions.
Although I'm absolutely unchallenged with the type of work I've got to do (yeah, it's kind of boring...), all the other things like the noises and the social situations are absolutely exhausting to me. I rarely have energy for any activities other than work...
Fortunately, I've got only one more week and then I can recharge a bit before the next chapter begins in March.
So yes, social situations can be very, very exhausting and painfull!
I used to just grunt when my parents said "good morning" to me or "welcome home" when I came back from school. I just couldn't be 'bothered' at all to utter a word.
My 3 year old was diagnosed with Mild Autism a couple of months back. It was shocking and I had zero knowledge on what it is. I started to research and turns out, I am Autistic too. Now my whole life make sense. 😀
I started looking into autism after having an autistic child in my preschool class. Saw the right TEDtalk and spent the next 3 hours crying over the realization I wasn’t fundamentally broken. Now, I can’t stop diagnosing my family. 😅
As far as I know, you either are Autistic or you are not, there is no 'mild'. There is a spectrum but you are or you are not.
That is like being a little pregnant, does not work that way.
@@brianl.3579 things changed a lot in this one year. Calling it as mild Autisum was an act of denial on my side. I should take it back.
I just had one of those momentum realization, I isolate alone, I realize how because I feel no one gets me, and no one understands me. I think I gave up. It brought tears to my eyes. I've had depression all my life. I just clicked as to why. I'm lonely but don't know how to express it. Or do anything about it.
I could definitely relate to this! I'm not sure if I am an autistic person, but I do know that I have introverted tendencies and feel the most at peace when I am alone. Although I do enjoy company, it really depends on who I spend time with. These last few years, socializing has been more excruciating for me, requiring much more effort and I end up feeling very drained afterwards, especially at work and social events. I cannot stand small talk. Sometimes you can see that the person asking questions obviously does not care to listen, yet they ask away anyway to be polite. (They will even ask you the same questions multiple times.) These conversions feel very meaningless. And yes, I purposely walk the long way around just to get away from certain people and the possibility of running into another small talk encounter.
I have discovered that I have a daily gauge of how much social energy I have to spend and with whom. When the meter runs low...I'll be on my way. But it's true what you say, some are offended and take this personally. They think I'm a rude, selfish and mean person, when I don't feel like chatting. But the ones who are closest to me understand this, and know I will return.
I only talked to two people today and my brain hurts and feels like mush and I feel like crying.
His New Life same !
Also me, fellow brother/sister in christ. 🙏
I talked to the mailman yesterday. He was the first person I've talked to in about two weeks.
This is absolutely me. And often particularly when I am stressed I don’t want to talk to anyone, especially in the morning. I now understand that not being a morning person is part of me. And I often can’t ‘people’ til after lunch time. Then I feel able to be quite social, I think. I’m not sure I’d describe myself as non verbal in these circumstances but potentially occasionally.
If someone said to me, "I don't want to talk to you". I would be so heartbroken. I would assume it was forever, and because they didn't like me, or I had done something wrong so they were mad at me, and then I would want to know why, so I'd talk to them more to try and fix the problem which wouldn't help if there was no problem between the 2 of us.
So, if you must block people from talking to you because you need non-talking time, than say that. Or say, "I need time to think or recharge". If it's too early in the morning, say "my brain isn't awake yet, so I can't talk now".
Basically, make sure the person knows your need to not talk is because of you, not because of the person who wants to talk with you or you will hurt their feelings, and hurt the relationship.
Great video thanks! I cope mainly by going home and staying there when I am low on social energy. The danger of pushing too hard is a public meltdown which is utterly humiliating and can cause all sorts of problems.
Wow, I'm exhausted and anxious just after hearing that! Thanks Paul, you're really helping me out in such a big way. Cheers✌
Its so good to hear this. Sometimes I do feel im the only one who feels severe discomfort at social interraction. Often certain types of people are very triggering for me and unbearable.
Annoyingly is phone calls. I placed a DoorDash order through the Wawa app yesterday and it said it would take 35 min to be delivered so I called and canceled the order and re ordered through the DoorDash app. They sent the order I canceled anyway plus my re-order. I wanted to call so bad to complain but my anxiety and fear of not being able to communicate thoroughly made it impossible and I didn’t do it
I really don’t care if anyone thinks I’m rude. Their unsolicited contact with me is rude.
Hell yeah! I carry kinda the same demeanor. If anyone wants to bother me for any reason, Well, its not usually going to be good for them. I didnt do a single thing wrong and yet here they are. I have a alter ego I refer to as Rambo and my whole life I was bullied so i built my body up and fighting skills to handle anyone. I reached my limit of anyone giving me shit about my autism the other year. Im 38, & am a christian though so I dont go too far (wont ever kill anyone)
I'm always either over or under enthusiastic in social situations. I crave a real bond, but never seem to be able to gauge the correct level of interaction with any given person.
Due to decades of customer service work in actually pretty good at surface level brief interactions (often still anxiety inducing though), but transitioning into a proper connection almost always fails.
I'm not so much coping right now as I am being extremely avoidant of my friends, family, and responsibilities. . . by playing minecraft all day.
Nodds- XD
Same. I lost a lot of friends this way. Contact with family and relatives is almost non-existent.
Yes, me too. I'm coping less and less as I'm getting old; too many long periods of overdoing things and getting burnt out, now the slightest little thing burns me out and leaves me unable to do much for several days. It's horrible in one way but at least now I'm retired I've got the sanctuary of my nest to be in and enjoy.
Can’t wait till I have that stability. I’ve moved around so many flippin times, my most recent move... well I’m not even going to unpack my boxes because what’s the point I’m planning to move again this September and then who knows if the next place will stick :( no wonder I burnt out, dropped out of university for the time being, and am a shell of the person I thought I was.
It's superhard to know what to say and what not to say and it can go into a downward spiral,
I think literally everybody can feel "too tired to socialise" or just not feel like it. It's just that being autistic makes socialising SO, so draining that we get overwhelmed and exhausted instead of just tired. I think headphones are a great universal tool to communicate "not available for chitchat right now".
Thanks for making this video. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. It's hard knowing that most people think you're rude or depressed when really I just find talking incredibly draining. There just seems to be so many complicated rules and possibilities for me to say something wrong and offend someone, that I feel emotionally walloped with every interaction, however slight. It probably seems like such a small thing to most people, just saying hello or having a conversation, that I doubt most people understand, and I presume they just think I'm lazy or a coward or something. But it's amazing, on reflection, how much of my life has been shaped by this core difficulty socialising with other people. It's always the priority consideration in all my life decisions, and is thus, why I work a part time min wage cleaning job, cause I can work alone. And it's why I have never and will never have any romantic relationships and have probably missed out on loads that life has to offer. I always try to be grateful for what I have and to not envy, but sometimes I do feel like I've had an added tax to pay all my life.
Yes and professionals think you lack capacity if you don't respond. So helpful to know from you what you are really experiencing.
I know just a tiny fragment of what you're talkin about. sometimes I want to put a paper bag over my face so no one will try to communicate with me.
The moment a group becomes more than like 4-6 people , I fade into the background and have to become observant . It's too much energy or something
can relate. Crohn's and the autism stuff you speak of appear effect complex energy-spoon management to say the least. Ty for your videos. Appears beneficial re understanding my autism.
I was thinking that exact same thing! That it all comes down to how well your managing your spoons on any given day. My sister has Crohn's, myself and my 8 year old son both have a rare connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and he is also on the spectrum. For me, it's easy to understand when he's out of spoons, and in our family we all communicate if we are getting low etc, as a way of relating and being compassionate to one another. Unless your living with an invisible illness it's difficult to describe to those that don't even think about it in their daily lives. I've found that all of us are empaths and lightworkers, and once we learn ways of protecting our energy and managing it in a way that's conducive to our lives, and stop trying to conform to a matrix that's not designed to understand. We can be so much more effective. My struggle right now is dealing with an ignorant, outdated public school system that wants to treat nuerodiversity like behavioral issues :(
I think being around certain people make the condition so much worst! Recently, I had too much stimulation from bright lights and other. Someone made it worst by thinking I was being rude to them. I explained to them I am having anxiety and it's not them. The whole vibe was a disgusted feeling.
It may have been better losing this person's friendship, but not that way. I don't like hurting people that hurt me.
I was in shut down for 3 days. I couldn't workout. I stayed in bed long. The positive side is that I came up with great ideas while trying to get myself out of shutdown. That made me feel better.
Thank you Paul for sharing some transparency as some individuals may not wish to reveal about themselves. Your videos sheds light on the misunderstood behaviors of Aspie community. You explain limitations and barriers in very good way.
I can totally relate to this. You explained it very well. I don't think i have autism, but i suffer from severe anxiety. The energy it requites to talk to people in a polite manner and go through all the necessary steps of a quality conversation can be completely draining. It's good to push ourselves to be more social but we have to take care of our mental health at the same time.
Yup, sounds very familiar. 👍
Yes! Knowledge is both a relief, then grief...then healing and a strengthening factor.
Wow I've never had words for this before. Thank you so much for explaining the complicated relationship i have with socialization!!!
We all have to train our discomfort muscles 💪 physically and mentally. Loading, pushing past boundaries, and don’t forget adequate rest. Adaptation may be slow, it it will come over time
I used to be a janitor at a church and I can totally relate to getting tired of interaction and just wanting to do my work rather than interact. Depending on what mood I was in I could interact but at a certain point I had enough.
Very insightful for myself and for my studies , thank you
Socialising is like any skill, u gotta practise it to become good
I have a DoorDash addiction and I believe my uncle and cousin know it and that’s where I live. So I literally sneak out the front door to pickup my food so that neither of them see me and ask any questions because I embarrassed 😂
Nail on the head. My sister and nephew are social and feed off the energy of others around them. I can be just as social, but it wears down my batteries a lot sooner than them.
I’m an introverted person and somewhat shy and self conscious. However, I find it difficult to understand why it takes more energy to say “Hi” or briefly wave back than to worry if you have hurt the other persons feelings. Can anyone explain this to me?
Greeting someone requires either interrupting, or starting a new, train of thought. Aspies, especially introverted ones, always have some internal, unexpressed train of thought occurring that requires energy to conduct. Outside events create a situation where new sources of energy must be found to maintain the internal train of thought while dealing with the external stimuli.
I kept telling people this all the time. Nobody understood. Finally someone understands
I can REALLY relate to this alot
Hi Paul. Thank you ,you have made me feel so much better about myself. I reckonise in myself everything you have said,I just thought it was me , I questioned,why am I like this,is it me?. Thankfully my wife and I have been together 48 years and I do still have problems in our relationship, that I cannot explain or seem to change.I would like to change,but I don't know how. The tiredness you described,would you say people perceived you as being sullen, miserable, antisocial, arrogant?.That's I feel...
I out-superficialize them to deflect them.
I get anxious about social events weeks and months in advance. I make it to them and feel awkward the the entire time and it’s exhausting
It can be, very much so.
At other times, not so much.
I have experienced burn out and shut down when I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated, mentally.
I always dread socialising, but I also look forward to appearing normal for a change when I spend so much time alone (out of choice). I find conversation difficult at the best of times, even at work, but mainly for practical reasons when out and about: I have nothing in common with the surfacey chit chatty types who talk about family, holidays, kids and so on. I have no family, not married, no kids - not a grandmother - and I am still the same age as those I work with who have all these things.. This can make things a bit awkward when we all go out. Luckily, the crowd I work with are all nice and I like their company as they make me feel included and welcome and I think have resigned themselves as seeing me as the 'boring' on one with not much to say whilst they all chitter chatter about this, that and the other. I join in the conversation about work, and topics of deep interest if they arise - although they rarely do - but nothing else, so I spend all the time listening, drinking, smiling and masking agreement and enjoyment (when actually I am bored rigid most of the time). I am nearly always the first to leave and dread it if someone leaves with me because that means I have to make conversation with them to the bus stop or worst still give them a lift too, even if with someone I actually like. it is a bit odd, really. Yet if they hadn't asked me I would have been very hurt. The only reward I get is the illusion that I am more normal than I know I really am.
I’m not even autistic but it helps me to know or to remind myself that anytime you interact with someone you have to explain your intentions otherwise they will assume your intentions and make something up in their head that could be bad. There’s a high turnover rate at my job and I need to start telling the new people what to do but I think it’s important I explain myself first otherwise who knows how they will perceive me ordering them around.
Socialising. A nightmare hellride.
Draining indeed! The tiredness comes from our fast brain, overanylazing our inviroment to much, and see every details.
I think this was important for our past, that is: For the human race to survive in nature.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and understand this means so much to a lot of people who are confused about their social conditions :)
Thank you for explaining and bringing awareness to the autism spectrum and how to recognize it and to people who have it. One of our grandsons, who will be four this weekend, has been identified in the spectrum. Mikey is brilliant but socially challenged. Your videos have beautifully explained so my husband and I can understand the way he thinks and operates. Again thank you!
I used to tell my ex husband that i couldn't talk in the mornings and he would talk to me every morning early anyway and then get offended at my not being smiley and super friendly in the morning. I dont think NTs will ever understand.
His New Life Well he’s the idiot then; he should’ve respected your wishes & accepted that you’re not a morning person.
NTs honestly sound like psychopaths from our perspective sometimes.
It's not just hard but impossible for an autistic man like myself to find love... because women absolutely despise men with autism... there's no other way to put it well that's what I have learnt.
I've had to give up online zoom art classes. I couldn't bear the pointless questions any longer. She was made aware of my difficulties but seemed to be asking me more than anyone else! I had physical pain at the top of my back at the end. Is that why there's a saying "got my back up"
I’m on the spectrum, and for me, I like starting conversations with people. What’s difficult for me is moving past what I like to call “the formalities”. Basically things like “Hello”, “how are you” and “how was your day”. After that, I kind of hit a wall and end up just standing there looking awkward while I try to think of other things to say. What doesn’t help is that I tend to move around while I talk, rocking back and forth slightly or moving my hands. All in all, I like conversations when they work, but I’m almost always worried people will judge me because of my social difficulties
Not autistic but I get this from chronic illness when my energy is low. It’s like socializing gets locked down, especially if I know the person. Strangers are easier but the more the social situation matters (either relationally or otherwise) the more I just can’t. It’s an intense aversion and I just need my room to breathe and exist. The problem is my burned out battery can stay that way for a very, very long time (months+) for some situations. When my health is doing well, I can take on the world. But when it’s flared? I’m a ghost to those who know me.
A big thing is the energy of people you are around. I def draw on people with lots of energy. I think you right good advice for everybody is clear communication because people cannot read your mind and like he said people will create a reason.
I haven't had any social interaction for 30 years and I'm still alive, obviously empty,but still existing.
You are well spoken and your videos are well organized. Good job! Thank you.
fantastic explanations! And, you never got off topic. Thank you for everything you shared and have been sharing on this channel
I find myself talking really slow in social situations.