I'm dating a guy with Asperger and I have ADHD. He made it very clear at first, that he didn't want a relationship, because he's scared of the overwhelming feelings that he might go through. But somehow i managed to change his mind by showing him that I'm just as vulnerable as he is. And it's the best relationship i ever had. No mind game, no lies, no trying to understand things between the lines, it's all very clear. No keeping track of who messaged first and who replied late, we're on the same page when it comes to these small things. We both reply to messages very slow. We hung out with each other almost everyday, but our date was just us having a meal together when it's lunch and dinner time and then we'd do our own stuff (he'll play his game and i'll do my artwork) in the same room. So we love having each other's company and not exhausted by it. Now, I'm in my home country and he's 6000 miles away. It's quite hard. But oh well. It's how it is. :)
Sharon hello. your comment made my day. I am an ADD-er and I like a guy with asperger too. We had so much misunderstandings of each other and stopped talking for months. I do know he still cares about me so I took initiative to communicate again but no response so far. I wonder how long is the average time for an aspie to reply ?
Mai An Nghiem Nguyen i'm sorry to hear that. I can't say for sure how long it takes for them to reply as everyone is different. But my bf usually reply after 1 hour on average. And i do the same as well. I hope he'll get back to you and you both will be able to resolve the misunderstandings. Good luck! Let me know how it goes. :)
I just stumbled across your videos and I love them. My boyfriend of 3 years was diagnosed years ago as "moderate to severe Aspergers." The first thing he told me, on our first "not--a-date" was: "I can't live with people or have relationships, and I'm not very good at sex." Um, wow, awkward Dude!! But after that rather peculiar start, things developed and I moved in with him 6 months ago and we are absurdly happy. I have become better about not expecting him to read subtle social cues. I can tell him things like: "Someone hurt my feelings and I'm sad. Please sit next to me and put your arm around me - bonus points for gently stroking my hair." Perfect - my needs are met, and he's happy because he's clear on what the situation calls for.
Maybe it's because I'm aspie myself, but when I started dating another aspie (before I myself was diagnosed) it was so delightful how straightforward he was without all the 'normal' little headgames often encouraged in dating. I remember the first time I put my finger on what was so striking to me about his way to communicate and I told him "you are the least manipulative or passive aggressive person I've ever met". He always just said exactly how he felt or what he thought about. He just was so authentic. So if that type of delivery works for you, it's actually a gift from heaven when you find it.
Lunaria G I wished to 'God' that when I am reborn again the only males I will ever date will be someone with Aspie.... Totally unique,, totally honest, no mind games, no bullshit, no scheming, or planning..... just what you see is what you get.... Absolutely amazing human beings..... ,
That’s exactly where I’m at and taking the quizzes and tests makes me want to get an actual diagnosis. I love how direct and straightforward dating someone on the spectrum is.
There wasn't a misunderstanding on your part because slippers aren't shoes. If she had said no footwear or, socks/barefoot only in the house, then you would have been one misunderstanding. #justsaying :D
but that means using Aspie literalism. so it was a misunderstanding from a NT perspective, and from her perspective, because language is not so precise, its something very fluid which changes from time to time...
There is no such thing as "aspie" literalism. You're either "starving to death" or you're literally starving to death. No shoes in the house means no shoes in the house and doesn't automatically exclude slippers since they are an indoor footwear like socks unless they're differentiated as being indoor/outdoor. Most people can't communicate worth a shit these days. Literally.
Just want to say that I've loved an Aspie for years. We used to live together and I fell in love with him. It was difficult because it wasn't reciprocated and yet he seemed to be flirting with me it was SO hard to read. Anyway - just wanted to put it out there that him being on the spectrum is actually one of the main reasons I find him so attractive. He is honest, creative, very handsome and bloody funny! We are very good friends to this day and it is lovely seeing him grow and change mentally. I've learned not to assume anything! And for some reason he makes me very calm when I'm with him. Which is just lovely because i have Anxiety. He accepts me for who i am and that is precious.
Sounds like an Aspie man for sure. They are worth their weight in gold! I also find them very calming, though I’m not really anxious, it helps when I get worked up over something as I feel intensely.
My aspie partner was shocked the first time I kissed him because he had written me off as unobtainable so never expected anything other than friendship, and what I perceived as flirting was just him being comfortable with me and opening up to me in a way that he wasn’t able to with others.
My Aspie partner and I live in two separate RV's right next to each other. That way we can live together but can also retreat into our own spaces when we need alone time or want to get absorbed in our hobbies without interference. It's funny because living together in this manner has allowed us to spend far MORE time together than before we had this arrangement.
I've figured it out! When we talk, everyone grows silent and, at least half the time, they start tuning us out. Thereby, they don't know when we're done talking and so they still don't say anything, making us feel like they aren't getting it, as they remain silent, so the natural solution is to explain it better. If I ever find myself explaining something, I now ask, after the first and most basic explanation, whether they understand. If they don't answer, I let them know that they are being rude by ignoring me and I stop talking to them.
My girlfriend when upset tries to gaslight. I don't lie. I don't exaggerate. I have no use for alternate events. And I'm acutely aware of the situation and what has been said.
Did she every explain to you the no slippers thing? I was born in the Nordic countries and have lived i Stockholm for more than 25 years, and I've never heard this rule before. No shoes inside, yes, because it brings in all the dirt from the outside, especially bad in the winter when there is snow outside. But lots of people wear slippers inside, I have a pair myself.
+#lala - I agree with you about slippers. I feel sure that they are normal to wear in Nordic countries. But I put the situation down to some peculiarity of hers (the hostess). If it is some kind of obsession of hers, it must have been shocking to her to have to see the horrible sight of "shoes" in her home, given the fact that she thought she had explained that every form of shoe and every eventuality was taboo. I presume it was a lapse of knowledge of the English language i.e. that slippers are not exactly "shoes", haha. [Very odd and unpleasant experience as a guest of a stranger in a foreign land, in my opinion].
I remember this cute pair of slippers my mom got me when I was four or five. I had to wear socks at home to not catch a death of cold and slippers so the socks wouldn't get ruined. Cute as they were, the velcro strap wore off quickly and hung off. Since that annoyed me, I would kick them off...then get slapped with one of my mom's own slippers for not wearing them like I was told to do.😅
This really helped me. It's hard dating an aspie. My guy is my favorite person. I'm good biggest fan. But it's hard for me due to my own insecurities and depression which shades everything a different color. You do have to check in constantly. My aspie is so amazing. He cares about me so much. I love how he sees things differently. It's so worth it. I don't give him the benefit of the doing like I should. I project a lot. I'm gonna do better.
This spoke directly to me and made me cry. I can't even imagine how much different things would have been if I'd known about my ASD during my failed marriage. Thank you for doing what you do. I hope other people can learn about themselves earlier in life than I did.
My main friend group just completely shunned me, because they had issues with my conduct but prefered to just talk about me to eachother rather than tell me I'm being an ass.
relationships require 3 things. trust mutual respect and communication within either you dont have a relationship. friends business romantic or otherwise. yes other things help but these are REQUIREMENTS
4:20 As an aspie, I have so much trouble with this. I have a tendency to always explain myself, and it always rubs people the wrong way. But I can't NOT explain myself, you know? I hate it when people have the wrong idea and I just have to explain. Because if I don't explain, then it's even worse, I feel. How do I overcome this? It's a lose-lose-situation it feels. Every time.
I have exactly the same problem :-) My brain is like a river that sometimes finds the riverbed, starts flowing and there's no way of stopping it. But for certain situations, I've managed to find brief explanations that people usually understand, so I use them.
How so many of my conversations with my teachers go, "I'm not making excuses and am not asking for any make up points but..." I just feel like I need to explain myself even if I don't want it to be seen as and "excuse"
I have aspergers too and I have this exact same problem. And in my head I feel like it would definitely be much worse if I didn’t explain myself vs if I did. So I always explain myself. And I’m not going to change that. I feel like it makes me a genuine person and people that really know me will know that I’m not trying to make excuses.
I always have the problem of boyfriends not believing me when I'm honest about my feelings. EG: They say "what's wrong? You're being all quiet and keeping to yourself" and I say "nothing, I'm fine".. and that is what I mean. Nothing is wrong, I am fine, I am just chilling out. But because they're conditioned to believe that when a woman says she's 'fine' that she is definitely not fine, they probe me, and keep probing, telling me that I must be lying and to tell them what's really going on. Eventually we both get angry and it ends in a huge argument over NOTHING. This has happened in every single relationship I've attempted. If it turns out I have ASD then at least I'd be able to explain that I just need some downtime to recharge. Although I bet they still wont believe me.
I'm an Aspie and my husband always says that one of the things he loves about me is that clear and direct communication. He doesn't have to play the guessing game as to what I'm thinking. If he asks, I tell him. Hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates this quality.
Don't ever say "I'm fine." Fine is not a feeling. Fine is what people say when they are denying their feelings. Most people never describe themselves as "fine" when they actually feel good or ok. If someone asks you what's wrong, just say, "nothing is wrong, I am in a quiet mood, which I enjoy. Sometimes I like to take a break from being over stimulated and enjoy my own company and recharge."
It's even better to say "I'm OK," than to say "I'm fine." Short and sweet, "I'm ok. This is how I relax. I'll let you know when I feel more social." Try to avoid using the word "just" (I'm just tired) because it's defensive. Avoid using "but"-- " I like you but I need alone time." Replace with and- "I like you and sometimes I also enjoy being alone with my thoughts."
Neurotypicals speak implication-ese. "I don't notice unspoken rules, so I am unable to follow them" said by an autistic means exactly that. If an NT said it, it's actually an indicator that they're too lazy, careless, oblivious to pay attention and be polite. Or maybe it's secretly code for "I don't play by the rules" when it's not polite/politically correct to flat-out say that. Or maybe it means something else entirely, and you have to guess using only the clues of their micro-expressions (that you can't see) and tone (which you can't interprete) and the exact make-up of the crowd of surrounding people and/or the physical location and maybe also the phase of the moon. And since every NT knows this, they can't possibly take you at your word even though you're not an NT yourself and are not lying. So they search for a hidden meaning that isn't actually there because ASDers literally say what they mean and mean what they say, and this Does Not Compute to NT's.
It is okay you don't necessarily have to know why you just have to respect their differences and trust that they have good reasons why they want it that way. Or ask why she is upset if you don't ask and then it becomes a much bigger problem later. You are the one to blame because people can't read each other minds.
This isn't about differences.... Slippers are for indoors. She's being unreasonable. She doesn't care about your feet being warm. Let that sink in. Be with someone who respects YOU. But. It is strange not to call your girlfriend for a week. Spectrum or not.
This is great advice for all relationships, not just when dating aspires. Miscommunication, assumption about behaviour motives are very common problems in a lot of relationships I think.
After this video I can clearly see the mistakes I’ve made in my relationship with my boyfriend who has aspergers. But I can also see the things that I’ve done right. He and I have a very unorthodox relationship seeing as though I have a disability too. I think that has helped us be very accepting of one another. Thank you for these videos. They help a lot of people!
you should make a video on ask Aspie women and men about there relationship struggles and how their relationships if they are married with someone how did they end up working it out with their neurotypical .It would be interesting to know about how they found a way too work it out. Update 2020 After watching your videos it helped me understand the Aspie that a year and 6 months ago I was dating. Now after so long the Aspie in my life has proposed.We are hopefully getting married in April of next year. There is some stuff he does that upset me but I love him so much I cant stay mad for so long I just think he's so damn adorable . ❤ So thank you Paul for your videos. I will continue to watch them for us.I really hope you talk about relationships more because Aspies deserve love too. ❤Update due to COVID19 we are getting married in Spring I can't wait to be his wife.Hes an amazing Aspie. I got covid on 12/22 it was very difficult for both of us being Quarantine and separate it made him very stressed.But we made it through .🥰❤
soooooo true!! Why are most of the articles on the net focused on what doesnt work and why we make terriable life partners? As an aspie in a long term relationship I can say unequivicably, I have a list of things that are wrong longer than the milky way. I have a longer list of donts and nevers as an aspie to ever do or say near an nt. maybe we would make better lovers if people told us what DOES work for them and things we SHOULD do for them to show it rather than expecting us to be psychic then getting stressed at us when we get it wrong. some more stories that dont end with it was horriable run away dont do it they will ruin your life might actually inspire some of us to 'change' or get motivated. Why would any aspie bother changing as much as people expect them to when the majority of the internet support for the people we love (our nt partners) tells us its doomed and they should leave us? I mean c'mon, really? would you?...
@@RainbowWrangler I agree. I've been clicking through a couple of aspie related videos as I am an NT who has fallen for an aspie and I want to provide the best support possible. Below those videos there is a disturbingly large amount of people who just blame everything on the aspie and portray them as horrible people to be with. I can see that most of them went through a harsh break up or something of that kind, but there are even aspies saying they are sorry for their partners and that just feels so wrong to me. My brother is an aspie, a good friend of mine and the person I'm (kind of, we are complicated) with. And I hold all of them dearly in my heart. They are wonderful people, you just need to make them understand many things in a different way than you usually would. I am surely no expert at this as I am a rather young person, not having experienced much, but if I can be of any help to you, just ask down here. I'd be glad to answer and talk to you about it.
@@autismfromtheInside I am a neurotypical, but with ADD...married to an Aspie for 41 years. We have had many, many ups and downs. We didn't know he had it until 35 years into our marriage! Dang, was that hard!! Because of our love for God and committment to God through our marriage, we "could not" quit. I would have quit many times over, but because of my love for God and the path I believe He chose for me, I stayed. I'm glad I did, however, because our bond as husband and wife is very very strong. I laugh as I watch your videos, because husband is exactly like you. Not even kidding. He moves his shoulders around like you do, he eats the same things every day like you do. And we have had problems with other things I wouldn't want to put out there that you have talked about on your videos...but he is kind, helpful, always aware of me and my needs. He is a hard worker and I love his organization. I have put my foot down, however, in the kitchen that he has to stay out of it while I cook, because he was always "cleaning up" before I could turn around...and the spoon I needed to stir with was already in the sink! Being married to an Aspie is still hard; but we do our own thing most of the time. He feels very content knowing I'm in the other room. I feel very lonely knowing he doesn't "need" to be with me in the same house. There is a book about NP and Aspie marriage called, "Alone Together," and that is a true statement for the NP to feel. We have, however, created our own life apart from each other...but our "togetherness" is strong. (It's an oxymoron, but it's true). I think I have helped him by never giving up at letting him "get away" with being an Aspie, and he has never given up on me being ADD. We balance out each othe--and when we don't, and we get frustrated--we both go to our rooms. Watching your videos has actually helped me "see" him better. I feel for every Aspie that cannot find a good, solid partner in love because I know it's hard for people to understand an Aspie. Since I have been watching your videos, I know how very lucky he is to have this strong of a relationship...and I told him so today! lol. Thank you for your videos.
@@autismfromtheInside also, could you do a relationship on aspies together? My bf defo is on the spectrum but he had never heard about it before me and doesn't claim it like me. We have a few aspie - NT books but they don't relate because we're both on it
Using past experience is huge for finding clarity after misunderstandings. It can make ALL the difference when one person is able to say, "Remember that time you did x? What did it mean? What would have been the best response? What would you like me to know about it?" Curiosity is so valuable, especially when we are hurt or angry or disconnected.
You really hit the nail on the head with the issue of unmet and unquestioned assumptions. I got into trouble with a colleague at work without meaning to, and when I said something along the lines of "I guess it's harder when you're an Aspie" and they said "That's no excuse!". I did NOT mean it as an excuse, but as an explanation. Being on the Spectrum means that you DON'T see the world the same way as others, but they assume that you do without really checking if those assumptions are right. And it was so easy for them to check. Just ASK and LISTEN to the answer.
Your videos are so practical and you are very talented to be able to explain step by step what is happening! You are a resource beyond anything I can say with words. Appreciate you for making these and sharing your knowledge!
For a long time I've thought that having separate bedrooms was more practical than a single shared room (even for NT/NT relationships). Rather than have one room that isn't either person (though, probably more often decorated by the woman based on common culture references like comedy TV/movies), than needing another area for one/both (e.g. "man cave"), it seems simpler to just have two rooms that is each their own "space" to start. No forcing each other to compromise their personalities with a shared room. That doesn't mean they can't regularly "sleep over" in their partner's room for aspects of a traditional relationship.
That would be the only cohabiting setup I could tolerate. Don't care how much I like or want someone, they are not ever sleeping in my bed and violating my only sanctuary with snoring/squirming/weird noises and terrors/cold feet/morning breath.
You spoke from the perspective of dating and people just getting to know one another. As someone who is an ADHDer married to an autistic for a long time the hurdle once you get beyond the initial acceptances or accommodations comes with 1) that very often the autistic partner isn't able to or is uncomfortable changing how they do things while on the other end there are a great number of accommodations and compromises 2) the accommodations and compromises are often not just simply logistical for the non-autistic partner -- that is there is emotion or deep meaning attached to those changes such that something like needing to sleep in separate bedrooms can have an emotional and relationship impact even whilst understanding the need of the autistic partner for that sleeping arrangement. It is facile to say that it's a matter of accepting an unconventional relationship especially as many of these compromises/accommodations won't be things agreed upon at the outset of the relationship. They are things that come up as you continue in relationship with that person (and may grow in number) and perhaps are already committed. You probably knew that your partner was not the average bear when you met them or very early on but may not have known the extent of their adherence to routines, exactly how they would require things to be in the house, the level of disinterest they have for things outside of their special interests etc. Something else that is super important from the other perspective also is that non-autistics may well use little things like responding to the text right away as a way of weaving in displays of caring into everyday life. If one's partner is autistic and not observing any of these little shows of caring how is the other partner sensing caring other than when the autistic tells them? In my experience often autistic folks establish that they care about someone or that someone cares about them as an almost static fact and then often do not need shows or reiteration (and such displays mean nothing to them) of that but many non-autistic people do. We can accept logically that our autistic partner won't or is uninclined to make these small displays but the lack of these may still have an emotional effect. And again finding out that there will never be these displays often comes after the relationship is already underway and the extent of it may only be revealed slowly. I think it is important to talk explicitly with one's partner about how being autistic and non-autistic shapes the dynamics of the relationship (and in particular aspects such as communication and social engagement) and I would say with what you've said it is probably important for you to 1) also try to accommodate your non-autistic partner's wishes (if you know she likes flowers and will see receiving them as a gesture of caring but you could care less, still buy the flowers) 2) that you show some explicit appreciation for the accommodations that that person is making (because guaranteed the amount to which they are altering their ways of being will be greater than it is for you - given routines, special interests, sensory issues, etc.).
Re: Prologue, I felt so much more "at ease" in Germany, where I could hide behind the "doofe Ami" ("dumb American") stereotype and pretend my faux pas was a result of a misunderstanding of language (even when it wasn't technically true). Germany was orderly and logical in a way that really appealed to my Aspie brain. I actually visited some British friends over Xmas my year abroad in Germany and holy cow the UK was such a culture shock, even though I was ostensibly speaking the same language. I felt even more awkward than I did back home, and hiding behind a language barrier wasn't really an option; add to that the particularly English penchant for not really telling someone they're annoyed with them but just stewing until they suddenly blow up at you. I accidentally overstayed my welcome without realizing it. The British older couple I was staying with had been my host family in Germany back 2 years earlier (the wife was British, the husband German)...when the husband retired they settled in the UK. Anyway, they eventually got very cross with me and told me I had to move on to elsewhere in the UK or go back to the continent. I found the UK unbelievably expensive, felt like I was hemorrhaging money every day, which was incredibly anxiety-inducing....I can't describe the relief I felt crossing back over the German border by train...once again in logical, sensible Germany....my home sweet Aspie home away from home....I realize this has nothing to do with dating, but your prologue stirred that memory for me.
I FEEL the assumption aspect SO much. I often find I am having to explain my actions even though I genuinely feel like I haven't done or said anything wrong.
Paul you are an amazing man. You have taken the time to educate yourself about the disorder and this has made your life easier. Thank you for sharing these educational videos
I don’t think he has much self education to do for these videos. You do realize he himself is on the spectrum? A lot of what he says is knowledge based on experience.
Yes I work with foreign ppl now and it so much better for me bcs of differnt culture they are much more likely to try to understand things without assumptions, hence have patience with comunication that I dont see as much with local ppl, in work or family/friendly settings.. lol
7:04 That is actually a weird thing for me. I don't need recharge time from my gf. I can't explain it much either. If I am all day with other people I am usually so exhausted I can barely stand people anymore. For example when in lab I need to take 20 min breaks where I hide in the toilet in silence or on the stairs. But with her it ain't really a problem. Spending all day 24h per day for 17 days and I was fine. Heck I could "recharge" with her around.
Could she be an Aspie too? That’s how it was with my late husband. We never needed a break from each other. But we also spent a lot of time in the same room but focused on other things, not necessarily always interacting fully with each other. What kind of lab btw? We were/are both chemists.
I love the honesty in Aspies. Before years I had a relationship with the most interesting guy in my life. He was just as sensitive as I am, he never got this Macho behavior that annoyes me in other men, he respected my feelings and my body. He never bored me (like most men do) because all he talked about was interesting to me. To spend time with him was pure relaxation. After two years we broke up, because his suicidal talk was too much to handle for me. (we was in our twenties) Fortunately we stayed best friends until this day. And thank God he lost his suicidal thoughts long time ago). After I knew he is an Aspie (years later) I am relaxed with the former "odd" character traits and I got a deeper understanding for him. I just love him. He is like my brother and will always be. He is still the most handsome person I met (from his personality and outside). People does not understand our friendship but who cares! I am so done with men in common... but the only person I would let in my life and heart again it would be an Aspie.
Speaking as an NT lady in a relationship with a wonderful Aspie man, these tips were spot on. Yes checking in can feel like alot at first, but once you learn each other the mechanics of the relationship become much easier. This is probably similar though in any relationship- once you know each other, the day-to-day becomes easier to manage.
I'm dating an aspie for 4 months and this video made me understand him. In the beginning, it was slightly difficult because of my past dating experiences and now we understand each other very well. Thank you!
My boyfriend has aspergers and adhd, we've only been dating for about 2 months. This video is really really helpful because at times it's hard for me to understand the things he does, but i try and keep my mind open. He's wonderful and I enjoy spending time with him. I'm still new to this so this video helps a lot. Thankyou
@Tamara Dean very sorry to hear that. I am a guy with aspergers (self diagnosed from these videos) and I am very loyal and monogamous person by heart. Instead of making multiple connections with people, I prefer to make deep connection with a single person... so I wonder how come an Asperger's guy turned out to be a cheater... well I guess anyone can be a cheater... it also depends on their upbringing in a bad environment. I never had a relationship... I wished I had a GF who appreciated me for me :(
OMG you hit the nail on the head in the "Biggest Mistake" segment... For years, I've tried to explain myself to people, and they either ignore it, or I think that they think that I'm just a Knucklehead McSpazatron! Thank you!!!
I can’t even tell you how helpful this is. I’ve already made so many mistakes in my approach to dating an aspie (including the biggest mistake) but I’m trying my best to learn and adapt. It’s been hard, but I want to try and understand my partner as best as I can, and this video has been so helpful in getting me to that goal!
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome I'm misunderstood a lot but when I am misunderstood I tell people to let me know and ask me what I ment that way there isn't an argument or something over something I said or did that got taken the wrong way.Also I'm very blunt and honest and that usually don't go over well sometimes.I let people know I'm autistic right off the bat so they know.They usually say in the beginning that it doesn't look like anything is wrong with me.I have been called cold but I'm not.I just don't express myself and my love the same way as others do.
Thank you so so much for this. I'm starting to get involved with someone on the spectrum and we've been having some struggles. This really has helped me get perspective on what I need to do.
These tips are good for any relationship, we shouldn't assume that people are intentionally malicious in ANY situation. Empowerment goes far greater than degradation. You give good relationship advice. I appreciate this video and will recommend it to others.
I am so in love with my new husband! We got married last July (2022). I needed time because I had severe trust issues. My husband is so smart and brilliant and I understand his love language is doing things for me, building things, special projects, etc. He allows me to have dogs and horses and he goes to church with me. I give him space for his coin and stamp collection hobbies. He gives me space to ride horses. I am 51 years old and he is 69 years old. We live in rural Oklahoma and enjoy not being around other people constantly. I moved here from Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas to escape the millions of people moving there. My husband is quiet and I can talk or stay quiet. It's a perfect match! Thank you for your channel and the important information.
I was dating a man with Asperger for 4 months (last weeks we started to see each other two days per week) until I asked him if he was available the next day and I offered to bring him some food. His answer was: I don't like to see people so often and I'm not ready for a relationship. I was shocked with the second part (the fact of not seeing him often I could handle it) and now I'm so sad! I really don't get it, mostly because he was the one who often wrote me to see each other and said to me that he liked to spend time with me. I know that for Asperger's people expressing feeling are complicated. But I have problems to understand the suddenly change his mind. P.S. I excuse for my English, my first language is Spanish.
He wanted to meet you way more probably but he is to echausted from Metting NTs which maybe had him overwhelmed. Autistic people have issues with showing/explaining Emotion he himself probably do not know.
I would love to see a video on Aspies dating another Aspie! My partner is also on the spectrum, and there has always been such an ease to our relationship, despite us always struggling in relationships with neurotypicals. Everyone always asks us how we make things work so effortlessly, and I genuinely believe it’s because our relationship is based in blunt honesty & ample amounts of open communication, without all the games, ‘score keeping’, and assumption of motives often found in NT relationships.
I feel that first one in my figurative bones. I once called a friend a "wannabe" on FB with the misunderstood meaning of "has aspiration". It's like the difference between awful and awesome.
I dated an Aspie on/off for many years, and for a long time I did not understand him. I would get frustrated because when we argued, he would withdraw or his voice/facial expression would always remain monotone-ish and it made it feel like he did not care about me. Thing is, from day 1 he was extremely straight forward and honest, I remember doing my nails and him telling me from date 1 "you have a chip on your nail" which is not something most guys tell girls since the beginning, or him not feeling like he has to repeat "I love you" because "I already told you I love you, I don´t understand the point in repeating it" and him asking me how to write emotional messages after someone´s death because he wasn´t sure how to express himself correctly. Took about 4 years for his diagnosis, lots of tears from my part because many times I felt he did not care about me and it explained SO much. It´s definitely not for everyone, but they´re wonderful people and often want to connect but don´t know how.
In a family of people having varying degrees of being on the spectrum, your offer ways of understanding that tend to get overlooked or ignored. Family members do make a lot of assumptions, at times, and it is frustrating to have motives assigned to me or my actions that I don't have. Thank you for taking the time to explain things which also serves as a great example how to reduce confusion by asking for time and to break down why yo do certain things.
Yeah I cant easily give out gifts as the process of buying / packing and much worse actually knowing what to get is just so incredibly nightmarish for me and my family thinks I just dont give a shit and have literally inferred as much to my face. All it does is plague me with guilt and not want to travel home for christmas
Thanks for this insightful video! These tips I think are helpful for any relationship. Being explicit and not making assumptions and giving your partner opportunities to express themselves are very important. It's just going to look different for a couple with (an) autistic(s) in it!
Okay, this is exactly what I needed to know. Thank you for making this kind of videos. My crush is an aspie and I'm trying to get to know him. So far, he's acting just like that and yes, I went crazy making assumptions at first but then I realized that 1 the communication was established 2 I just had to wait and that he'd always do the same thing (so I could know what was going to happen next based on his behavior) and that he's very honest. I'm willing to give him time and be open. Being explicit has never been a problem for me.
Wow, this is enlightening. I'm 33, and I've recently realized that I'm autistic, and this is helping me understand what went wrong in my marriage which just ended.
I have been married for 6 and a half years. I only learned i was autistic 2 years ago. It is so difficult and i would not have commited to a relationship if i had been more aware of my own needs and preferences at the time. Some autistics are so desperate for a relationship but its a huge comprimise that may or may not be worth it.
RedRock Asrama I hear you. From my own experience, I would say that if I didn’t push myself into something, assuming it would be “good for me” to “push myself” into a relationship where I had to try to conform (with significant effort), maybe I would have decided it wasn’t worth it. Or at least that it was not a good fit for me (in over my head) Because I didn’t know I had Asperger’s, It is like I didn’t have what doctors call “informed consent” when I went into relationships and friendships. I didn’t know it wasn’t necessarily “good for me” to “force myself” into a situation, to somehow try to make myself “rise to the challenge” and have a more “normal” life. Trial by fire doesn’t necessarily work out well for me; no, I can say that it really doesn’t work for me at all. But before I knew I had it, I married a man with a complex life and 3 young children. I thought surrounding myself with a family who had these basic needs and expectations from others would help me. In some ways it did, but there were a lot of problems I didn’t recognize in that marriage because I was trying SO hard. I missed out on the fact that I was indeed trying too hard. And while I was looking at all I should try harder at, I was being abused without knowing it. My husband used my own self-doubt against me. I had Asperger’s, but didn’t know it. We are divorced now. But I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder, which is what can happen when we don’t feel normal, we can’t always tell what is extremely unhealthy for sure until perhaps it is late.
RedRock Asrama thank you, the divorce was final in April. I’m having a somewhat frustrating time coming back to my own “normal functioning” after more than 7 years with him. I’m glad I’m out too.
Johanna Hottenstein give yourself more time and you probably won't recognize yourself a year or two from now. I am temporarily separated and just the difference of two months is amazing.
@@theterriblepuddle1830 Do not try the conventoinl ways (bars, parks, ...) Go for first letting the person know you and then lettting teh persoon to approach to you. Maybe work, maybe someone you know at the gym,... Someone who has sympathy for you, that smiles to you and takes the time to listen what you are saying. If you observe that someone makes her/him self available for you whenever you propose a plan (lunch, beers, coffee, a visit to a museum, a walk, shopping,... ) whatever the plan is, then it means the person has some kind of interest in you and s/he likes to spend time with you. Another method is by using apps, but I'm not experienced on that field. Many people find easier to meet someone the can write to instead of talk to. Good luck!
You explain so so well, love your anecdotes and analogies. I hope you keep making videos because you’re phenomenal at it, you’re helping a lot of people, and making a great difference in this world towards acceptance and empathy.
"Interests" is a nice topic. It seems society is like zootopia, but with different interests instead of different animals. And a lot less kids-movies' harmony.
I was struggling with this issue very long time always thinking how I'd need separate room and how crazy this would be, because i never shared a room for more then 2-3 nights in a row with a SO and mostly I would go to separate bed in the middle of the night if longer sharing room. Ppl were so pissed bcs of that but it just makes me more comfortable and I did not mean nothing personal, like how they would interpreted it that I dont care or something like that. Anyway, my point is later I fall for a guy and much later I have I thought that with him I could even share room/same bed for a longer time in a row. That never happend so I dont know if this is acctually true but my point is only to have that thought was f. ing breaktrought for me! Cuz this was one of my main concerns regarding long term relationships. I even manage to be with ppl for a year or more and always avoid joint vacations not to have this issue so prominent..now I think probably this issue was due to really poor choices of ppl to date.. but I still dont know for a fact cuz it was the same issue with every guy.
My dad’s got Aspergers. My parents have seperate rooms and I’m convinced this is what has kept their marriage intact for 35+ years. Best thing for them
so helpful and comforting thank you so much! my partner is on the spectrum and I love him so so much his honest to a fault way of being is one of the reasons that makes me feel so safe with him
It is so true that we usually don't have bad intentions and we don't do things to be malicious despite it being interpreted that way often, especially when it comes to being overly honest.
*maybe wedding and kids might happen but you'll need separate bedrooms.* omg thank you so much you just made me feel SO NORMAL and understood, so many people think I'm crazy or straight up lying for wanting that. thank you so much!!!
OMG, I just realized something. The doctor who diagnosed me as autistic told me, if I ever find myself in a legal situation that I should call him. There is something he'd have to explain to the judge. In my country, the rule of law is something like, "what would a reasonable person do in the same situation?" The doctor was trying to explain to me that I might not do the same thing as a neuro-typical person and the judge needed to understand this. A judge might not understand the difference between me breaking the law and me having a misunderstanding.
I had a complicated relationship with an aspie guy. When we started dating he said he didn't wanted anything serious. He also said he wanted a fwb kind of relationship. I told him that I was ok with the nothing too serious, but I didn't wanted anyone else apart from us involved at any level, otherwise I would have been very hurt,and I would have preferred to keep just the friendship. He said it was ok . No matter what kind of thing we had(I still don't know how to call it and it's not important anyway), it was the best relationship I had so far. Yes he was different and hard to understand sometimes, but we all are, right? He was so kind, and sweet, and until 2 months ago I didn't know he was an aspie, actually. Later he had to leave for work, for a long time. He told me we would have been friends like we had always been,and no matter what we would have always kept being friends, and that I was one of the most important people in his life. I've casually watched a photo on Facebook, and well, be was dancing and kissing another girl. But never told me he had intended to stop being my lover. I've felt so hurt. He told me he was sorry I was feeling so bad, but never said he was not going to do it agian, he thought that basically if we were not physically in the same country for him ment automatically that we were only friends and he was free to sleep with other people. I stopped talking with him because I was hurt, and well so angry and told him he was making excuses and telling lies when he told he cared about me. I now only think he was just using me. He also told me that if it wasn't for the sex we wouldn't have been friends in such a short time and this hurt me and confused me soo much...what fo you think?
From my point of perspective, I dont jump in bed with strangers but also after I know someone for a while and start dating, I dont consider it relationship even if were having sex for last 6months.. it is a trust thing, and building real intimacy. As for him casualy being with someone else I can say it is very possible he did not thought it is a big deal that would hurt you, I know I had to learn a lot of rules I did not know were "common knowledge"of social interactions, and first person i dated was explicitly jelous so I understood that such thing is generally not acceptable, but later also many ppl "were hurt" over something I still dont get why. Bottom line is that you have to have explicit rules for everything that you need/want/expect and say it or it is high probabililty other person that's on the spectrum will not know it. After you share your rules they either accept it or dont but at least you both know. If there is a "silent"rule its the same as if it doesnt exist at all_just bcs he probably never consider it nor how would "breaking it" affect the relationship with another. This is bcs introverted ppl mostly remmember to consider their inner world hence the antisocial thingy..😂 oh just watch this video more times..
He said he wanted a fwb relationship and you said ok. then you're wondering why he's off doing things with other girls when he's in a different country? how about say no to fwb relationships & get a real relationship with someone who actually cares.
I just found out that the guy I been dating is Aspie. We been having tons of struggles and watching your videos has helped me learn and understand so much. I can't thank you enough. I am learning as much as I can how to communicate and understand and change my perspective. I assumed alot and found out I was wrong. I think with both Partners learning and educating themselves things will run much smoother.
Such an insightful, detailed & informative video. Would love to see more content on NT/AS partnerships w/ lots more of tips for NTs included in order to sustain a balanced, loving relationship. Thank you.
I just wanted to say thank you. I'm learning so much from your videos and I am very grateful that you are sharing this information with us. It's beyond helpful
Gotta say, I just realized after about 7 years into my relationship that my significant other is possibly an undiagnosed Aspie. He says these same things, however, I'm not sure if it's our relationship dynamic, relationship history or our own personal histories but minor miscommunications quickly devolve into heated discussions and often times loud verbal arguements. Honestly, it breaks my heart. I even thought about going to therapy to see if I'm the problem. But your videos have helped over the past couple days, even if my significant other refuses to watch them. I've used them to learn to cope
Hello,if I can ask how things are after 3 years time ? 🙂I believe I am on the same boat and started to get worried , he is stubborn doesn’t communicate in the last few days 🫣My therapist is suspecting he is an Aspie 😬
Omg!!!! Thank you! My boyfriend is a aspie, so it can be very difficult sometimes but your videos, already, are enlightening me and making me more open. I love him a lot. It’s just that I have to be patient and understanding of him more. Thank you again!!!💜💜😭
Sounds like straightforward and authentic! It’s about getting clear on expectations and projections. Sounds like many NT could benefit from that! Wow!🥰
Unfortunately that's not always the case. My man is an aspie who likes space is not much for physical stimulation...where I am an aspie who is the complete opposite.. I need physical stimulation 24/7 it feels like. Although we manage and we do have a good relationship...sometimes we forget good boundaries lol
IME we don’t need space from each other because we get each other so well & spend a lot time together but doing our own things. But sample size of two so keep that in mind! On the flip side I cannot be in a serious relationship with an NT. I don’t think I can even fall in love with an NT man. They inevitably bore me which is the absolute worst imo.
My boyfriend is on the spectrum and we've been together for a year and a half. Honestly it can be really difficult for me sometimes to understand him but your video has been so so helpful. Thank you so much
Paul, your videos are so incredibly valuable and I think you are awesome. Thank you so much for the work you do. You have such good emotional regulation, politeness, and insight and understanding. I'm so glad you communicate these concepts with calm and clarity and thoughtfulness.
People who don't want you to wear shoes in their home should provide slippers for their guests... Communication is the key with people whether they are Aspies or NT's. Thank You for the video.That was helpful.
I find it amusing, that of all the possible ways for a culture to clash... it's about the 'right' way to keep your feet warm inside... lol. humans are amazing :)
MADD Scientist there are a lot of “shoulds” in what you just said. You seem to be assuming it should make sense. The particular household he was in does not seem to make allowances for some people to have colder feet. Perhaps this is common throughout that culture, as UsseWill seems to say. I would say this is not only a problem with the cultural convention. If it is true what UsseWill says, this is an example (I won’t use the catch term) of when the “norms” are insensitive to some people feeling cold worse on their feet than perhaps is the norm. It is not clear for me whether our narrator (Paul) is or isn’t this cold-sensitive, but I personally would need accommodations in that household, unless they happened to keep the heat on pretty high all the time in that house. I need a layer of rubber (as in a sole) not leather, not wool or fabric only, I need rubber thickness-type slippers. Or I would be grouchy and very uncomfortable walking around anywhere inside that house.
I live in Stockholm and was born in the Nordics and I understand the shoe thing completely, but not the slippers. What's wrong with slippers inside? Lots of people in both Finland and Sweden wear them all the time, I have a pair myself. I think the person you stayed with sounds very odd!
#lala And ur comment begs the question, if no slippers inside the house, then wtf are slippers for, actually. It isn’t like there is any other place u should wear slippers. Slippers’ express purpose is to be worn indoors. This household rule u mention does sound odd, even insensitive. And probably we are beating a dead horse by harping on this specific. But for me, it comes down the communication and people being able and willing to take on the perspectives of the others. This doesn’t come easy to everyone, but it is about keeping ourselves together. It is lonely enough out here, don’t need more conflict about things like slippers.
Thank you, this is very helpful. One thing, I'm 38, widowed, and I do miss having a companion but I didn't expect to have to date at this age (my husband took his life very suddenly, and especially after covid and being so alone for so long I dread meeting people a bit.) "Honest to a fault" is a great way to describe me. But one thing that happens I think primarily to women is having to weed out guys who lie, say they want a relationship, then they just want a one night stand. I tend to trust people because I don't lie and I assume others don't either. I'm about to throw in the towel even though I'm very loving even if the way I show it is primarily through actions; making their lives easier.
I’m a young widow too, not quite as young as you, but close. I’m 42. I have ADHD..wondering if I’m in the spectrum and wondering now if my husband was as well. He was an addict in recovery (relapsed during Covid and died late 2021). I’ve tried to date a long time friend who I think is also neurodivergent but it’s been so difficult. This whole thing has been so challenging. Good luck to us both. ❤
I still think, if people make assumptions, that you should make them feel heard and acknowledge that you understand why they came to those assumptions. Then they are less likely to see the reasoning as an excuse. Everyone wants to feel seen/heard/understood in relationships - so it is kind to be considerate of how they perceive the situation too. The example you gave was about forgetting to respond to texts, this could be something like "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't a priority when I didn't respond, that wasn't my intention, the reason I didn't respond was (insert reasoning here etc.)". Now it sounds less like excuses, and will be easier for them to understand in the future, and your partner will feel that their feelings and perspective are heard and understood, because even if it is unintentional your behaviour can still have an impact on them. Relationship communication is a two way street, you need to be considerate of their perspective. Even though we have Aspergers and social skills do not come naturally to us, they are skills we can improve on. Emotional intelligence is something everyone can learn.
This is great! At this stage I’m still learning how my own mind works. Thanks to these videos. And yes, people make assumptions even when I’m trying to explain myself after a misunderstanding.
It’s just a cultural thing. There are just certain things that you’re taught since birth and some people are uncomfortable with anything else if you get what I mean
People now chill and stop putting everything into boxes (categorizing behaviour). She's not compulsive at all, it's simply cultural. Wearing no shoes/slippers inside homes is just a thing we simply dont do. I'm from Finland and don't know anyone who wears slippers/shoes inside. We use woollen socks to keep our feet warm and fresh. I would react just like her if my guest would be scratching floors with footwear after making it super clear not to wear shoes. Well, I give a bit for the guy, she should've used word footwear maybe to be more clear :D
@@Pajune You are absolutely right in that it is a cultural thing. But these points do not exclude each other. Culture and compulsion go hand in hand. Compulsivity is the upper extreme on the conscientiousness spectrum. Our society rewards conscientiousness and agreeability but doesn't mention the side effects on individuals. Yep that is who we are. I was thinking it sounded compulsive because it made the impression that he had ruined a date by keeping on his shoes. Could be a triple misunderstanding. Maybe he thought that the mistake was bigger than it was and that is why he told the story that way. Which would be typical aspie behavior. The way he told it suggested to me that it was a really bad mistake and she could not help herself. 😅 Maybe it would not have come across that way if she had explained it better. I mean if you date an Aspie it would make sense. People expect other people to function. Another cultural thing.
Great topic. One of the best lines I’ve ever read was recently from A Room With A View by em Forster ““It is so difficult-at least, I find it difficult-to understand people who speak the truth.” Crazy that truth speakers ( I consider myself one) would be hard to understand.
Hi Mark here, Aspie, hope u are well. Never been in a relationship (long story!!) but I did live with a girl once in my work dorm and it was a nightmare for me. She was very passive, didn't talk about her feelings and I misunderstood stuff. She didn't make the boundaries or ground rules clear, I would put dishes away that were left out and she'd put them out again to dry. Sometimes I'd do the washing up and then she'd add to it and say I was untidy.. I'd forget things sometimes by accident. What you need from any relationship is clear, direct and honest communication so u can both be ok, this is particulary true for an Aspie individual. One of the reasons I find getting into any type of relationship with anyone, men or women, is the lack of understanding into the condition and the lack of compromise. I think it is possible for an Aspie person to date if they meet the right person, but ideally u need someone who either has AS or has some experience with it.
Yes! Start with a nice normal girl who can communicate clearly, no games. NT relationships are hard enough, but If you have 2 emotionally mature people, u can make it work regardless of whether you are an Aspie or not
Thank you so much! I believe my husband lives with autism (not sure if that’s the correct phrasing so I’m open to learn), and we’ve had a lot of misunderstandings in our first year of marriage. I’m learning that he needs a lot of alone time and space - which is not a reflection of how he feels about me. He needs more time to think and contemplate before making a decision than I do, and I need to be very clear in my communication. I commit to being more open about how things could unfold, as my husband is the most amazing man I’ve ever met!
I really like what you said and have had some of the same issues with people and trying to have and keep relationships in my life. Thank you for the video and all the information.
IMO it was lack of communication on both parts (more on the aspies part) if he knew he wears slippers in the house and this is a different culture he could have asked if slippers were ok as they are similar to shoes. She also could have told him “no shoes including slippers” but maybe slippers aren’t a thing in Sweden so she didn’t even know he would wear them. End of the day it was her house he was crashing at so I think it was more his responsibility to be communicative. He was just assuming she would allow slippers. A lot of aspies assume things. My aspie boyfriend is lactose intolerant and he always expects things to not have cheese on them when it doesn’t explicitly say “no cheese” on the menu. We all know when you order beans at a Mexican restaurant they put queso fresco on them but he assumes they don’t if it doesn’t mention the cheese on the menu. Then he gets upset when the beans arrive with cheese. Is it that hard for him to ask the waiter if there’s cheese/ask for no cheese? No it’s not that hard. If you’re an aspie practice not assuming things.
This guy is making a difference in this world you have a great UA-cam channel I hope the best for you and your love ones thank you for helping us spectrum people
My ex-boyfriend is an Aspie. He's not diagnosed. But he has all the symptoms. In this video, you sound exactly like him...guess that's why we broke up. It's just so frustrating to communicate with each other. Even though we both speak English, but it felt like we are from different planet.
So you're saying that two partners can't get along if one of them has aspergers? I am a guy with self diagnosed aspergers. I show all the symptoms... what you think are my chances or finding the right partner?? Does she also need to have aspergers? (please note, I am not being sarcastic here ... I am just curious to know from a normal person what they think of people like us....although unlike most aspie's I am very good with sarcasm)
Thanks for this video as I understand more about the condition of my Aspie boyfriend.. I'm not in the spectrum, I'm a NeuroTypical so at first it's kind of hard to understand. I'm glad he admit it right away that he has this condition. I've just research about this disorder because I really don't know anything about it. Then I try my best to understand for what it is and I just accept him. I'm really happy that I found him in this life. We're just new in this relationship but I believe he's going to be my lifetime partner. 😊❤️ By the way, I'm older than him by 6years. 🤭💕
*THIS* is so helpful. I'm on the spectrum and as someone who has worked with many people on the spectrum, I'm 99% the man I'm dating is also on the spectrum. Honestly, I have loved this man for a long time and he just started opening up and sharing that the feeling is mutual. Watching this video really helps remind me that it's easy to forget how autism affects his communication style. He doesn't write long texts, but he is consistent. He is good about telling me what he is up to. Most important, I see that when we successfully flirted (NOT easy for two autistics), I am confident in the interest he demonstrated was genuine and I also know that generally autistic men don't play the field and don't show an interest in a woman unless they are thinking of a long term relationship.
My ex has Aspergers and so does my son. Sadly it is very hard. Not just on the Aspie side. Not ever feeling like we had gained ground in our years of marriage in closeness broke me.
Thank you. You are helping so many of us. I don’t get on you tube much but I try to watch you when I do. I have young adult son who is on the spectrum. I think he is spectacular. If he’s having a rough day, I always tell him stuff like “Son, sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.” He always looks at me funny so I’m not sure I should speak in a figurative way like that. I think he gets it now since he’s maturing more these days.
I know this comment is a bit late but was re-watching this video and I know I'm prone to making assumptions but this mainly happens in the ABSENCE of communication from the other person. So I've repeatedly tried to say that "the absence of information feeds my imagination" in an effort to communicate that he needs to just tell me "I need some alone time" and I will happily give him whatever time he needs. But when he just withdraws and doesn't tell me what's going on then that's when I imagine he doesn't care or doesn't like talking to me etc. especially if this goes on for more than a week or so. We are in a long distance friendship of 3 years and I'm still struggling at times to remind myself not to make assumptions and to remind myself of what he has done that shows his trust and caring. But it can be hard. I do appreciate your videos, they are so helpful. I don't even know if my friend is on the spectrum but I suspect he may be. He certainly is an INTJ if not an aspie.
This reply is really late, and hopefully you two are still friends. Is it normal for him to take more than a week to reply back? I’m also in a situation like this and it’s fairly new so I’m just trying to get some assurance 😭
@@axeldelgado7803my comment is also really really late. 😂 how did this work out for you? I’m currently in this situation, it’s hard. Any extra advice would be helpful.
You are so knowledgeable about us. I am always seen as being overly sarcastic that people often laugh at everything I say. It's getting to the point where I just pretend I am being sarcastic to fill the weird void and I feel like I have to "laugh" with them in order to make the other person comfortable. Just sucks.
I think if you are an NT who has high emotional needs, you should NOT go for Aspies. That's what happened to me. I learnt to communicate with him in a very clear and explicit way, he would do exactly what I requested. But...it's very artificial. It's just like dating an AI. You place an order, then you get exactly what you want. For example, if I asked him to call me once every two days, each call should last 10 mins, he would do that. But the way he does it, it's just like box ticking. I believe efforts should be two ways. Could you make a video and introduce how Aspies can fulfil their NT partners' emotional needs? Or physical intimate needs? Any practice Aspies can do?
It sounds to me like you had some further unstated need that you did not tell your Aspie partner, but merely implied, buried in your request to call you every 2 days for 10 minutes. Some mysterious emotional need. Unstated. I say this because although you think you asked for what you needed, you still sound unsatisfied and angry, which generally means ones' needs were unmet because one did not fully state said needs. Seriously. I think you missed the whole point, dear NT. But this did make me chuckle- I agree you probably should not date us Aspies, since you look back on your dating experience with your boyfriend as dating an android. Heh. Funny person. Oh wait- I better stop laughing, I don't think androids have a humor microchip...
@@kathleenchaniot1022 maybe the unspoken need was genuine emotional connection and empathy on the phone during that call. Is an aspergers person really capable of that? even if you explain it to them isnt it kind of something they may be impaired with?
I found that I needed to get my emotional needs met through other avenues so that I can be more accepting of him, his needs and more balanced, less dependent on him.... but he wasn’t aspie, I just found it easier when trying to be with a recovering addict who could emotionally withdraw intensely.
man you made so many good point i wish more people got the thing you where on about i feel like as a community of people who are not as loved my other as much as some of us want to be which is very sad
This can apply to any type of relationship. I have a friend thats an aspie, we are both guys. Not gay, just close friends. I think he enjoys having me in his life because its difficult for him to keep friends. Thanks this helped me understand him better.
Loved it :) :D Thank you for this very informative video!! I'll be hanging around watching more videos :D ;) It is a bit weird though, I tend to think I am somewhere on the spectrum as well the more I learn about Aspergers and autism. All because I met someone I like with autism, but wouldn't have guessed if the person didn't mention it. As a matter of fact, I know many people who are autistic and when they explain why they behave in a way, I'm always like, if that's the case, then it would mean I'm autistic too. So umm, it is very nice to learn more through your channel. Thank you :) and keep up the awesome you and sharing with the world. I think it helps immensely to get a better understanding by hearing experiences from multiple sources :D
Lichtje I’m a woman who has diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome since I was 6, and my partner displays many symptoms of autism/Asperger’s even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis. I wonder if he feels the same as you do.
I'm dating a guy with Asperger and I have ADHD. He made it very clear at first, that he didn't want a relationship, because he's scared of the overwhelming feelings that he might go through. But somehow i managed to change his mind by showing him that I'm just as vulnerable as he is. And it's the best relationship i ever had. No mind game, no lies, no trying to understand things between the lines, it's all very clear. No keeping track of who messaged first and who replied late, we're on the same page when it comes to these small things. We both reply to messages very slow. We hung out with each other almost everyday, but our date was just us having a meal together when it's lunch and dinner time and then we'd do our own stuff (he'll play his game and i'll do my artwork) in the same room. So we love having each other's company and not exhausted by it. Now, I'm in my home country and he's 6000 miles away. It's quite hard. But oh well. It's how it is. :)
Sharon hello. your comment made my day. I am an ADD-er and I like a guy with asperger too. We had so much misunderstandings of each other and stopped talking for months. I do know he still cares about me so I took initiative to communicate again but no response so far. I wonder how long is the average time for an aspie to reply ?
Mai An Nghiem Nguyen i'm sorry to hear that. I can't say for sure how long it takes for them to reply as everyone is different. But my bf usually reply after 1 hour on average. And i do the same as well. I hope he'll get back to you and you both will be able to resolve the misunderstandings. Good luck! Let me know how it goes. :)
Sharon I see. well he blocked me. I can't contact him in anyway. thanks anyway :)
I hope to meet some like you someday 👍
@@joshuajeffrey4848 that's very sweet. I hope you'll meet someone who'll understand you and accept you for who you are. :)
I just stumbled across your videos and I love them. My boyfriend of 3 years was diagnosed years ago as "moderate to severe Aspergers." The first thing he told me, on our first "not--a-date" was: "I can't live with people or have relationships, and I'm not very good at sex." Um, wow, awkward Dude!! But after that rather peculiar start, things developed and I moved in with him 6 months ago and we are absurdly happy. I have become better about not expecting him to read subtle social cues. I can tell him things like: "Someone hurt my feelings and I'm sad. Please sit next to me and put your arm around me - bonus points for gently stroking my hair." Perfect - my needs are met, and he's happy because he's clear on what the situation calls for.
Lolll th x I have assoergers this funny as hell too tho lolol
@@helenarichard lol frr
XD
Yeah I havd asspergers and I eat the same subway everu tiem xD frr tho
Loll
Maybe it's because I'm aspie myself, but when I started dating another aspie (before I myself was diagnosed) it was so delightful how straightforward he was without all the 'normal' little headgames often encouraged in dating. I remember the first time I put my finger on what was so striking to me about his way to communicate and I told him "you are the least manipulative or passive aggressive person I've ever met". He always just said exactly how he felt or what he thought about. He just was so authentic. So if that type of delivery works for you, it's actually a gift from heaven when you find it.
Yes, head games are such a waste of time. Just say what you want and mean.
Lunaria G I wished to 'God' that when I am reborn again the only males I will ever date will be someone with Aspie.... Totally unique,, totally honest, no mind games, no bullshit, no scheming, or planning..... just what you see is what you get.... Absolutely amazing human beings.....
,
That’s exactly where I’m at and taking the quizzes and tests makes me want to get an actual diagnosis. I love how direct and straightforward dating someone on the spectrum is.
Me too! My Aspie life partner is SO straightforward and it's totally easy to communicate with him now
Yessssss. Ditto
You are single handedly saving my marriage. Thank you, beyond words...thank you.
That's incredible! Glad you find it helpful :)
Tish Ramsey mine too !!!
Tish Ramsey I wish I had heard this before my divorce. :(
@@lauriemashek5419 😢
good luck
There wasn't a misunderstanding on your part because slippers aren't shoes. If she had said no footwear or, socks/barefoot only in the house, then you would have been one misunderstanding. #justsaying :D
but that means using Aspie literalism. so it was a misunderstanding from a NT perspective, and from her perspective, because language is not so precise, its something very fluid which changes from time to time...
There is no such thing as "aspie" literalism. You're either "starving to death" or you're literally starving to death. No shoes in the house means no shoes in the house and doesn't automatically exclude slippers since they are an indoor footwear like socks unless they're differentiated as being indoor/outdoor. Most people can't communicate worth a shit these days. Literally.
Slippers are totally not shoes. They are indoor footwear.
I’m absolutely confused about this story. Why was anyone upset when they weren’t shoes?
How about you fuck off you piece of shit
Just want to say that I've loved an Aspie for years. We used to live together and I fell in love with him. It was difficult because it wasn't reciprocated and yet he seemed to be flirting with me it was SO hard to read. Anyway - just wanted to put it out there that him being on the spectrum is actually one of the main reasons I find him so attractive. He is honest, creative, very handsome and bloody funny! We are very good friends to this day and it is lovely seeing him grow and change mentally. I've learned not to assume anything! And for some reason he makes me very calm when I'm with him. Which is just lovely because i have Anxiety. He accepts me for who i am and that is precious.
Sounds like an Aspie man for sure. They are worth their weight in gold! I also find them very calming, though I’m not really anxious, it helps when I get worked up over something as I feel intensely.
This made me very emotional reading this, thank you
My aspie partner was shocked the first time I kissed him because he had written me off as unobtainable so never expected anything other than friendship, and what I perceived as flirting was just him being comfortable with me and opening up to me in a way that he wasn’t able to with others.
My Aspie partner and I live in two separate RV's right next to each other. That way we can live together but can also retreat into our own spaces when we need alone time or want to get absorbed in our hobbies without interference. It's funny because living together in this manner has allowed us to spend far MORE time together than before we had this arrangement.
This is my dream lmao
@@cory99998 I highly recommend it :)
Weird
Yes! Understand that we overexplain, that feel like lying to others perhaps, when it is in fact, one of our traits to detail everything.
Yes yes that's so right I am like that yes
I've figured it out! When we talk, everyone grows silent and, at least half the time, they start tuning us out. Thereby, they don't know when we're done talking and so they still don't say anything, making us feel like they aren't getting it, as they remain silent, so the natural solution is to explain it better.
If I ever find myself explaining something, I now ask, after the first and most basic explanation, whether they understand. If they don't answer, I let them know that they are being rude by ignoring me and I stop talking to them.
My girlfriend when upset tries to gaslight. I don't lie. I don't exaggerate. I have no use for alternate events. And I'm acutely aware of the situation and what has been said.
Did she every explain to you the no slippers thing? I was born in the Nordic countries and have lived i Stockholm for more than 25 years, and I've never heard this rule before. No shoes inside, yes, because it brings in all the dirt from the outside, especially bad in the winter when there is snow outside. But lots of people wear slippers inside, I have a pair myself.
+#lala - I agree with you about slippers. I feel sure that they are normal to wear in Nordic countries. But I put the situation down to some peculiarity of hers (the hostess). If it is some kind of obsession of hers, it must have been shocking to her to have to see the horrible sight of "shoes" in her home, given the fact that she thought she had explained that every form of shoe and every eventuality was taboo. I presume it was a lapse of knowledge of the English language i.e. that slippers are not exactly "shoes", haha. [Very odd and unpleasant experience as a guest of a stranger in a foreign land, in my opinion].
I remember this cute pair of slippers my mom got me when I was four or five. I had to wear socks at home to not catch a death of cold and slippers so the socks wouldn't get ruined. Cute as they were, the velcro strap wore off quickly and hung off. Since that annoyed me, I would kick them off...then get slapped with one of my mom's own slippers for not wearing them like I was told to do.😅
I know I thought this was weird too
I would be so frustrated trying to explain to this person they are not shoes... It would not have ended well at all.
It was either a linguistic misunderstand or it was just another instance of “female logic”.
And yes...this is why I’m single.
Happily.
This really helped me. It's hard dating an aspie. My guy is my favorite person. I'm good biggest fan. But it's hard for me due to my own insecurities and depression which shades everything a different color. You do have to check in constantly. My aspie is so amazing. He cares about me so much. I love how he sees things differently. It's so worth it. I don't give him the benefit of the doing like I should. I project a lot. I'm gonna do better.
This spoke directly to me and made me cry. I can't even imagine how much different things would have been if I'd known about my ASD during my failed marriage. Thank you for doing what you do. I hope other people can learn about themselves earlier in life than I did.
a lot of this applies for regular friendships too. I cannot take it when people don't communicate
Lack of communication drives me NUTS!
Same 🙄
My main friend group just completely shunned me, because they had issues with my conduct but prefered to just talk about me to eachother rather than tell me I'm being an ass.
I truly understand.
relationships require 3 things.
trust mutual respect and communication within either you dont have a relationship.
friends business romantic or otherwise.
yes other things help but these are REQUIREMENTS
4:20
As an aspie, I have so much trouble with this. I have a tendency to always explain myself, and it always rubs people the wrong way. But I can't NOT explain myself, you know? I hate it when people have the wrong idea and I just have to explain. Because if I don't explain, then it's even worse, I feel. How do I overcome this? It's a lose-lose-situation it feels. Every time.
I have exactly the same problem :-) My brain is like a river that sometimes finds the riverbed, starts flowing and there's no way of stopping it. But for certain situations, I've managed to find brief explanations that people usually understand, so I use them.
I hate when you're trying to explain but then they try to say you're talking back or making up excuses. 😑
@@rorscach1 Exactly. It's the worst.
How so many of my conversations with my teachers go, "I'm not making excuses and am not asking for any make up points but..." I just feel like I need to explain myself even if I don't want it to be seen as and "excuse"
I have aspergers too and I have this exact same problem. And in my head I feel like it would definitely be much worse if I didn’t explain myself vs if I did. So I always explain myself. And I’m not going to change that. I feel like it makes me a genuine person and people that really know me will know that I’m not trying to make excuses.
I always have the problem of boyfriends not believing me when I'm honest about my feelings. EG: They say "what's wrong? You're being all quiet and keeping to yourself" and I say "nothing, I'm fine".. and that is what I mean. Nothing is wrong, I am fine, I am just chilling out. But because they're conditioned to believe that when a woman says she's 'fine' that she is definitely not fine, they probe me, and keep probing, telling me that I must be lying and to tell them what's really going on. Eventually we both get angry and it ends in a huge argument over NOTHING.
This has happened in every single relationship I've attempted. If it turns out I have ASD then at least I'd be able to explain that I just need some downtime to recharge. Although I bet they still wont believe me.
I'm an Aspie and my husband always says that one of the things he loves about me is that clear and direct communication. He doesn't have to play the guessing game as to what I'm thinking. If he asks, I tell him. Hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates this quality.
Carole Smith *raises hand* I would. As an aspie myself, I think guessing games are the scariest thing.
Don't ever say "I'm fine." Fine is not a feeling. Fine is what people say when they are denying their feelings. Most people never describe themselves as "fine" when they actually feel good or ok.
If someone asks you what's wrong, just say, "nothing is wrong, I am in a quiet mood, which I enjoy. Sometimes I like to take a break from being over stimulated and enjoy my own company and recharge."
It's even better to say "I'm OK," than to say "I'm fine."
Short and sweet, "I'm ok. This is how I relax. I'll let you know when I feel more social."
Try to avoid using the word "just" (I'm just tired) because it's defensive. Avoid using "but"-- " I like you but I need alone time." Replace with and- "I like you and sometimes I also enjoy being alone with my thoughts."
Neurotypicals speak implication-ese. "I don't notice unspoken rules, so I am unable to follow them" said by an autistic means exactly that.
If an NT said it, it's actually an indicator that they're too lazy, careless, oblivious to pay attention and be polite. Or maybe it's secretly code for "I don't play by the rules" when it's not polite/politically correct to flat-out say that.
Or maybe it means something else entirely, and you have to guess using only the clues of their micro-expressions (that you can't see) and tone (which you can't interprete) and the exact make-up of the crowd of surrounding people and/or the physical location and maybe also the phase of the moon.
And since every NT knows this, they can't possibly take you at your word even though you're not an NT yourself and are not lying.
So they search for a hidden meaning that isn't actually there because ASDers literally say what they mean and mean what they say, and this Does Not Compute to NT's.
As an NT, let me tell you I don't understand why she was upset lol.
It is okay you don't necessarily have to know why you just have to respect their differences and trust that they have good reasons why they want it that way. Or ask why she is upset if you don't ask and then it becomes a much bigger problem later. You are the one to blame because people can't read each other minds.
This isn't about differences.... Slippers are for indoors. She's being unreasonable. She doesn't care about your feet being warm. Let that sink in. Be with someone who respects YOU.
But. It is strange not to call your girlfriend for a week. Spectrum or not.
Schoes aee Schoes indoor or outdoor slippers are schoes. You even said indoor 'shoes'. It's not because it's not to you it's not to someone else
while in sweden why not get a nice big pair of woolen socks. end of discussion xD
Ditto
This is great advice for all relationships, not just when dating aspires. Miscommunication, assumption about behaviour motives are very common problems in a lot of relationships I think.
After this video I can clearly see the mistakes I’ve made in my relationship with my boyfriend who has aspergers. But I can also see the things that I’ve done right. He and I have a very unorthodox relationship seeing as though I have a disability too. I think that has helped us be very accepting of one another. Thank you for these videos. They help a lot of people!
you should make a video on ask Aspie women and men about there relationship struggles and how their relationships if they are married with someone how did they end up working it out with their neurotypical .It would be interesting to know about how they found a way too work it out. Update 2020 After watching your videos it helped me understand the Aspie that a year and 6 months ago I was dating. Now after so long the Aspie in my life has proposed.We are hopefully getting married in April of next year. There is some stuff he does that upset me but I love him so much I cant stay mad for so long I just think he's so damn adorable . ❤ So thank you Paul for your videos. I will continue to watch them for us.I really hope you talk about relationships more because Aspies deserve love too. ❤Update due to COVID19 we are getting married in Spring I can't wait to be his wife.Hes an amazing Aspie. I got covid on 12/22 it was very difficult for both of us being Quarantine and separate it made him very stressed.But we made it through .🥰❤
Great suggestion Liz!
soooooo true!! Why are most of the articles on the net focused on what doesnt work and why we make terriable life partners? As an aspie in a long term relationship I can say unequivicably, I have a list of things that are wrong longer than the milky way. I have a longer list of donts and nevers as an aspie to ever do or say near an nt. maybe we would make better lovers if people told us what DOES work for them and things we SHOULD do for them to show it rather than expecting us to be psychic then getting stressed at us when we get it wrong. some more stories that dont end with it was horriable run away dont do it they will ruin your life might actually inspire some of us to 'change' or get motivated. Why would any aspie bother changing as much as people expect them to when the majority of the internet support for the people we love (our nt partners) tells us its doomed and they should leave us? I mean c'mon, really? would you?...
@@RainbowWrangler I agree. I've been clicking through a couple of aspie related videos as I am an NT who has fallen for an aspie and I want to provide the best support possible.
Below those videos there is a disturbingly large amount of people who just blame everything on the aspie and portray them as horrible people to be with.
I can see that most of them went through a harsh break up or something of that kind, but there are even aspies saying they are sorry for their partners and that just feels so wrong to me.
My brother is an aspie, a good friend of mine and the person I'm (kind of, we are complicated) with. And I hold all of them dearly in my heart. They are wonderful people, you just need to make them understand many things in a different way than you usually would.
I am surely no expert at this as I am a rather young person, not having experienced much, but if I can be of any help to you, just ask down here. I'd be glad to answer and talk to you about it.
@@autismfromtheInside I am a neurotypical, but with ADD...married to an Aspie for 41 years. We have had many, many ups and downs. We didn't know he had it until 35 years into our marriage! Dang, was that hard!! Because of our love for God and committment to God through our marriage, we "could not" quit. I would have quit many times over, but because of my love for God and the path I believe He chose for me, I stayed. I'm glad I did, however, because our bond as husband and wife is very very strong.
I laugh as I watch your videos, because husband is exactly like you. Not even kidding. He moves his shoulders around like you do, he eats the same things every day like you do. And we have had problems with other things I wouldn't want to put out there that you have talked about on your videos...but he is kind, helpful, always aware of me and my needs. He is a hard worker and I love his organization. I have put my foot down, however, in the kitchen that he has to stay out of it while I cook, because he was always "cleaning up" before I could turn around...and the spoon I needed to stir with was already in the sink!
Being married to an Aspie is still hard; but we do our own thing most of the time. He feels very content knowing I'm in the other room. I feel very lonely knowing he doesn't "need" to be with me in the same house. There is a book about NP and Aspie marriage called, "Alone Together," and that is a true statement for the NP to feel. We have, however, created our own life apart from each other...but our "togetherness" is strong. (It's an oxymoron, but it's true). I think I have helped him by never giving up at letting him "get away" with being an Aspie, and he has never given up on me being ADD. We balance out each othe--and when we don't, and we get frustrated--we both go to our rooms.
Watching your videos has actually helped me "see" him better. I feel for every Aspie that cannot find a good, solid partner in love because I know it's hard for people to understand an Aspie. Since I have been watching your videos, I know how very lucky he is to have this strong of a relationship...and I told him so today! lol. Thank you for your videos.
@@autismfromtheInside also, could you do a relationship on aspies together? My bf defo is on the spectrum but he had never heard about it before me and doesn't claim it like me.
We have a few aspie - NT books but they don't relate because we're both on it
Using past experience is huge for finding clarity after misunderstandings. It can make ALL the difference when one person is able to say, "Remember that time you did x? What did it mean? What would have been the best response? What would you like me to know about it?" Curiosity is so valuable, especially when we are hurt or angry or disconnected.
You really hit the nail on the head with the issue of unmet and unquestioned assumptions. I got into trouble with a colleague at work without meaning to, and when I said something along the lines of "I guess it's harder when you're an Aspie" and they said "That's no excuse!". I did NOT mean it as an excuse, but as an explanation. Being on the Spectrum means that you DON'T see the world the same way as others, but they assume that you do without really checking if those assumptions are right.
And it was so easy for them to check. Just ASK and LISTEN to the answer.
Your videos are so practical and you are very talented to be able to explain step by step what is happening! You are a resource beyond anything I can say with words. Appreciate you for making these and sharing your knowledge!
thanks!
I agree with ASL Jones, 💯
Hi ASL do you sign?
Yes!
@@asljones1478 me too! Why do you know it?
For a long time I've thought that having separate bedrooms was more practical than a single shared room (even for NT/NT relationships). Rather than have one room that isn't either person (though, probably more often decorated by the woman based on common culture references like comedy TV/movies), than needing another area for one/both (e.g. "man cave"), it seems simpler to just have two rooms that is each their own "space" to start. No forcing each other to compromise their personalities with a shared room. That doesn't mean they can't regularly "sleep over" in their partner's room for aspects of a traditional relationship.
Yes! I agree. I mean, I grew up in my own room and I can't imagine sharing it 24/7 like a jail cell? No thanks.
honestly imho the bedroom is for two things, sleep and 'fun'. You should live iin the rest of the house.
@@bigkirbyhj666 Agreed!
That would be the only cohabiting setup I could tolerate. Don't care how much I like or want someone, they are not ever sleeping in my bed and violating my only sanctuary with snoring/squirming/weird noises and terrors/cold feet/morning breath.
You spoke from the perspective of dating and people just getting to know one another. As someone who is an ADHDer married to an autistic for a long time the hurdle once you get beyond the initial acceptances or accommodations comes with 1) that very often the autistic partner isn't able to or is uncomfortable changing how they do things while on the other end there are a great number of accommodations and compromises 2) the accommodations and compromises are often not just simply logistical for the non-autistic partner -- that is there is emotion or deep meaning attached to those changes such that something like needing to sleep in separate bedrooms can have an emotional and relationship impact even whilst understanding the need of the autistic partner for that sleeping arrangement. It is facile to say that it's a matter of accepting an unconventional relationship especially as many of these compromises/accommodations won't be things agreed upon at the outset of the relationship. They are things that come up as you continue in relationship with that person (and may grow in number) and perhaps are already committed. You probably knew that your partner was not the average bear when you met them or very early on but may not have known the extent of their adherence to routines, exactly how they would require things to be in the house, the level of disinterest they have for things outside of their special interests etc. Something else that is super important from the other perspective also is that non-autistics may well use little things like responding to the text right away as a way of weaving in displays of caring into everyday life. If one's partner is autistic and not observing any of these little shows of caring how is the other partner sensing caring other than when the autistic tells them? In my experience often autistic folks establish that they care about someone or that someone cares about them as an almost static fact and then often do not need shows or reiteration (and such displays mean nothing to them) of that but many non-autistic people do. We can accept logically that our autistic partner won't or is uninclined to make these small displays but the lack of these may still have an emotional effect. And again finding out that there will never be these displays often comes after the relationship is already underway and the extent of it may only be revealed slowly. I think it is important to talk explicitly with one's partner about how being autistic and non-autistic shapes the dynamics of the relationship (and in particular aspects such as communication and social engagement) and I would say with what you've said it is probably important for you to 1) also try to accommodate your non-autistic partner's wishes (if you know she likes flowers and will see receiving them as a gesture of caring but you could care less, still buy the flowers) 2) that you show some explicit appreciation for the accommodations that that person is making (because guaranteed the amount to which they are altering their ways of being will be greater than it is for you - given routines, special interests, sensory issues, etc.).
This was very insightful for seeing myself, thanks
Re: Prologue, I felt so much more "at ease" in Germany, where I could hide behind the "doofe Ami" ("dumb American") stereotype and pretend my faux pas was a result of a misunderstanding of language (even when it wasn't technically true). Germany was orderly and logical in a way that really appealed to my Aspie brain. I actually visited some British friends over Xmas my year abroad in Germany and holy cow the UK was such a culture shock, even though I was ostensibly speaking the same language. I felt even more awkward than I did back home, and hiding behind a language barrier wasn't really an option; add to that the particularly English penchant for not really telling someone they're annoyed with them but just stewing until they suddenly blow up at you. I accidentally overstayed my welcome without realizing it. The British older couple I was staying with had been my host family in Germany back 2 years earlier (the wife was British, the husband German)...when the husband retired they settled in the UK. Anyway, they eventually got very cross with me and told me I had to move on to elsewhere in the UK or go back to the continent. I found the UK unbelievably expensive, felt like I was hemorrhaging money every day, which was incredibly anxiety-inducing....I can't describe the relief I felt crossing back over the German border by train...once again in logical, sensible Germany....my home sweet Aspie home away from home....I realize this has nothing to do with dating, but your prologue stirred that memory for me.
PS: really surprised about the slippers thing with your Swedish friend, since even the Japanese are cool with slippers for indoors.
I FEEL the assumption aspect SO much. I often find I am having to explain my actions even though I genuinely feel like I haven't done or said anything wrong.
Paul you are an amazing man. You have taken the time to educate yourself about the disorder and this has made your life easier. Thank you for sharing these educational videos
I don’t think he has much self education to do for these videos. You do realize he himself is on the spectrum? A lot of what he says is knowledge based on experience.
AMEN!!!
Yes!! It is so much easier living as a foreigner, because people will explain things to you, and not assume "the real motives" that just aren't there!
As an Aspie, I feel that I am a foreigner everywhere.
Yes I work with foreign ppl now and it so much better for me bcs of differnt culture they are much more likely to try to understand things without assumptions, hence have patience with comunication that I dont see as much with local ppl, in work or family/friendly settings.. lol
@@DodirAnelaIntuitivnoOtvaranje Exactly! My home is not really in my country, but among expats :-)
7:04 That is actually a weird thing for me. I don't need recharge time from my gf. I can't explain it much either.
If I am all day with other people I am usually so exhausted I can barely stand people anymore. For example when in lab I need to take 20 min breaks where I hide in the toilet in silence or on the stairs.
But with her it ain't really a problem. Spending all day 24h per day for 17 days and I was fine. Heck I could "recharge" with her around.
That is the sweetest thing!!
That’s so sweet man
What is she like? Why do you think that is? :)
Could she be an Aspie too? That’s how it was with my late husband. We never needed a break from each other. But we also spent a lot of time in the same room but focused on other things, not necessarily always interacting fully with each other. What kind of lab btw? We were/are both chemists.
@@maidende8280 Likely was to some extent, but like minor.
I love the honesty in Aspies. Before years I had a relationship with the most interesting guy in my life. He was just as sensitive as I am, he never got this Macho behavior that annoyes me in other men, he respected my feelings and my body. He never bored me (like most men do) because all he talked about was interesting to me. To spend time with him was pure relaxation.
After two years we broke up, because his suicidal talk was too much to handle for me. (we was in our twenties)
Fortunately we stayed best friends until this day. And thank God he lost his suicidal thoughts long time ago).
After I knew he is an Aspie (years later) I am relaxed with the former "odd" character traits and I got a deeper understanding for him. I just love him. He is like my brother and will always be.
He is still the most handsome person I met (from his personality and outside).
People does not understand our friendship but who cares!
I am so done with men in common... but the only person I would let in my life and heart again it would be an Aspie.
Speaking as an NT lady in a relationship with a wonderful Aspie man, these tips were spot on. Yes checking in can feel like alot at first, but once you learn each other the mechanics of the relationship become much easier. This is probably similar though in any relationship- once you know each other, the day-to-day becomes easier to manage.
Sarah Lillie me too 👑
Sarah Lillie
1 Jasmine to Lillie flower power
2. I love your locs 👑😍
3. you look just like my aunt. have a wonderful day
Yes to two separate bedrooms!
I'm not average either. I like that you put it out there in your profile.
This misunderstanding thing happens to me over and over again.
Thanks for a REALLY well thought out video!!!
I'm dating an aspie for 4 months and this video made me understand him. In the beginning, it was slightly difficult because of my past dating experiences and now we understand each other very well. Thank you!
My fiancé has Asperger's and it has definitely been a learning curve, but the honesty, clarity and lack of mind games is SO refreshing.
My boyfriend has aspergers and adhd, we've only been dating for about 2 months. This video is really really helpful because at times it's hard for me to understand the things he does, but i try and keep my mind open. He's wonderful and I enjoy spending time with him. I'm still new to this so this video helps a lot. Thankyou
Did u break up ??
@@1v9junglediff Yeah he cheated on me
@@tamaradean1273 ops... then I shouldn’t have asked abt it. But I guess u r better without a cheater tho. 🥺🤗
@Tamara Dean very sorry to hear that. I am a guy with aspergers (self diagnosed from these videos) and I am very loyal and monogamous person by heart. Instead of making multiple connections with people, I prefer to make deep connection with a single person... so I wonder how come an Asperger's guy turned out to be a cheater... well I guess anyone can be a cheater... it also depends on their upbringing in a bad environment.
I never had a relationship... I wished I had a GF who appreciated me for me :(
OMG you hit the nail on the head in the "Biggest Mistake" segment... For years, I've tried to explain myself to people, and they either ignore it, or I think that they think that I'm just a Knucklehead McSpazatron! Thank you!!!
you're welcome :)
@@autismfromtheInside I'm an aspie, but the problem I have is I get really stressed out whenever someone shows interest in me.
I can’t even tell you how helpful this is. I’ve already made so many mistakes in my approach to dating an aspie (including the biggest mistake) but I’m trying my best to learn and adapt. It’s been hard, but I want to try and understand my partner as best as I can, and this video has been so helpful in getting me to that goal!
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome I'm misunderstood a lot but when I am misunderstood I tell people to let me know and ask me what I ment that way there isn't an argument or something over something I said or did that got taken the wrong way.Also I'm very blunt and honest and that usually don't go over well sometimes.I let people know I'm autistic right off the bat so they know.They usually say in the beginning that it doesn't look like anything is wrong with me.I have been called cold but I'm not.I just don't express myself and my love the same way as others do.
Thank you so so much for this. I'm starting to get involved with someone on the spectrum and we've been having some struggles. This really has helped me get perspective on what I need to do.
These tips are good for any relationship, we shouldn't assume that people are intentionally malicious in ANY situation. Empowerment goes far greater than degradation. You give good relationship advice. I appreciate this video and will recommend it to others.
5:15 is perfect. What makes sense to me doesn't always makes sense to someone without Aspergers. And I seem like the bad guy.
Tom O
A person’s actions are often worse than their intentions.
~The Saga of Hrafnkel Freysgothi, c.10
I am so in love with my new husband! We got married last July (2022). I needed time because I had severe trust issues. My husband is so smart and brilliant and I understand his love language is doing things for me, building things, special projects, etc. He allows me to have dogs and horses and he goes to church with me. I give him space for his coin and stamp collection hobbies. He gives me space to ride horses. I am 51 years old and he is 69 years old. We live in rural Oklahoma and enjoy not being around other people constantly. I moved here from Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas to escape the millions of people moving there. My husband is quiet and I can talk or stay quiet. It's a perfect match! Thank you for your channel and the important information.
I was dating a man with Asperger for 4 months (last weeks we started to see each other two days per week) until I asked him if he was available the next day and I offered to bring him some food. His answer was: I don't like to see people so often and I'm not ready for a relationship. I was shocked with the second part (the fact of not seeing him often I could handle it) and now I'm so sad! I really don't get it, mostly because he was the one who often wrote me to see each other and said to me that he liked to spend time with me. I know that for Asperger's people expressing feeling are complicated. But I have problems to understand the suddenly change his mind. P.S. I excuse for my English, my first language is Spanish.
Me ha sucedido lo mismo, justo ayer me dejó después de dos meses... Es muy complicado
He wanted to meet you way more probably but he is to echausted from Metting NTs which maybe had him overwhelmed.
Autistic people have issues with showing/explaining Emotion he himself probably do not know.
I think he got overwhelmed.... Sorry :/
I would love to see a video on Aspies dating another Aspie!
My partner is also on the spectrum, and there has always been such an ease to our relationship, despite us always struggling in relationships with neurotypicals. Everyone always asks us how we make things work so effortlessly, and I genuinely believe it’s because our relationship is based in blunt honesty & ample amounts of open communication, without all the games, ‘score keeping’, and assumption of motives often found in NT relationships.
@Abdeljalil are u an aspie? Dating an Aspie? My son is 14...an Aspie, learning Jiujitsu.
Same. Aspies are the master race.
I feel that first one in my figurative bones. I once called a friend a "wannabe" on FB with the misunderstood meaning of "has aspiration". It's like the difference between awful and awesome.
I dated an Aspie on/off for many years, and for a long time I did not understand him. I would get frustrated because when we argued, he would withdraw or his voice/facial expression would always remain monotone-ish and it made it feel like he did not care about me. Thing is, from day 1 he was extremely straight forward and honest, I remember doing my nails and him telling me from date 1 "you have a chip on your nail" which is not something most guys tell girls since the beginning, or him not feeling like he has to repeat "I love you" because "I already told you I love you, I don´t understand the point in repeating it" and him asking me how to write emotional messages after someone´s death because he wasn´t sure how to express himself correctly. Took about 4 years for his diagnosis, lots of tears from my part because many times I felt he did not care about me and it explained SO much. It´s definitely not for everyone, but they´re wonderful people and often want to connect but don´t know how.
In a family of people having varying degrees of being on the spectrum, your offer ways of understanding that tend to get overlooked or ignored. Family members do make a lot of assumptions, at times, and it is frustrating to have motives assigned to me or my actions that I don't have. Thank you for taking the time to explain things which also serves as a great example how to reduce confusion by asking for time and to break down why yo do certain things.
Yeah I cant easily give out gifts as the process of buying / packing and much worse actually knowing what to get is just so incredibly nightmarish for me and my family thinks I just dont give a shit and have literally inferred as much to my face. All it does is plague me with guilt and not want to travel home for christmas
Thanks for this insightful video! These tips I think are helpful for any relationship. Being explicit and not making assumptions and giving your partner opportunities to express themselves are very important. It's just going to look different for a couple with (an) autistic(s) in it!
As I always say 'Autism Friendly = Everyone Friendly'
Okay, this is exactly what I needed to know. Thank you for making this kind of videos. My crush is an aspie and I'm trying to get to know him. So far, he's acting just like that and yes, I went crazy making assumptions at first but then I realized that 1 the communication was established 2 I just had to wait and that he'd always do the same thing (so I could know what was going to happen next based on his behavior) and that he's very honest. I'm willing to give him time and be open. Being explicit has never been a problem for me.
Wow, this is enlightening. I'm 33, and I've recently realized that I'm autistic, and this is helping me understand what went wrong in my marriage which just ended.
I have been married for 6 and a half years. I only learned i was autistic 2 years ago. It is so difficult and i would not have commited to a relationship if i had been more aware of my own needs and preferences at the time. Some autistics are so desperate for a relationship but its a huge comprimise that may or may not be worth it.
RedRock Asrama I hear you. From my own experience, I would say that if I didn’t push myself into something, assuming it would be “good for me” to “push myself” into a relationship where I had to try to conform (with significant effort), maybe I would have decided it wasn’t worth it. Or at least that it was not a good fit for me (in over my head)
Because I didn’t know I had Asperger’s, It is like I didn’t have what doctors call “informed consent” when I went into relationships and friendships. I didn’t know it wasn’t necessarily “good for me” to “force myself” into a situation, to somehow try to make myself “rise to the challenge” and have a more “normal” life. Trial by fire doesn’t necessarily work out well for me; no, I can say that it really doesn’t work for me at all.
But before I knew I had it, I married a man with a complex life and 3 young children. I thought surrounding myself with a family who had these basic needs and expectations from others would help me. In some ways it did, but there were a lot of problems I didn’t recognize in that marriage because I was trying SO hard. I missed out on the fact that I was indeed trying too hard. And while I was looking at all I should try harder at, I was being abused without knowing it. My husband used my own self-doubt against me. I had Asperger’s, but didn’t know it. We are divorced now. But I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder, which is what can happen when we don’t feel normal, we can’t always tell what is extremely unhealthy for sure until perhaps it is late.
Johanna Hottenstein I'm glad you got free.
RedRock Asrama thank you, the divorce was final in April. I’m having a somewhat frustrating time coming back to my own “normal functioning” after more than 7 years with him. I’m glad I’m out too.
Johanna Hottenstein give yourself more time and you probably won't recognize yourself a year or two from now. I am temporarily separated and just the difference of two months is amazing.
@@theterriblepuddle1830 Do not try the conventoinl ways (bars, parks, ...) Go for first letting the person know you and then lettting teh persoon to approach to you. Maybe work, maybe someone you know at the gym,... Someone who has sympathy for you, that smiles to you and takes the time to listen what you are saying.
If you observe that someone makes her/him self available for you whenever you propose a plan (lunch, beers, coffee, a visit to a museum, a walk, shopping,... ) whatever the plan is, then it means the person has some kind of interest in you and s/he likes to spend time with you.
Another method is by using apps, but I'm not experienced on that field. Many people find easier to meet someone the can write to instead of talk to.
Good luck!
Thank you- you might just make my crazy lovely crazy relationship so much more navigable!
You explain so so well, love your anecdotes and analogies. I hope you keep making videos because you’re phenomenal at it, you’re helping a lot of people, and making a great difference in this world towards acceptance and empathy.
"Interests" is a nice topic. It seems society is like zootopia, but with different interests instead of different animals. And a lot less kids-movies' harmony.
Oh my gosh, all the way down to the separate bedrooms. So me.
😂 😂 😂 😂 Are you in my mind?
I was struggling with this issue very long time always thinking how I'd need separate room and how crazy this would be, because i never shared a room for more then 2-3 nights in a row with a SO and mostly I would go to separate bed in the middle of the night if longer sharing room. Ppl were so pissed bcs of that but it just makes me more comfortable and I did not mean nothing personal, like how they would interpreted it that I dont care or something like that. Anyway, my point is later I fall for a guy and much later I have I thought that with him I could even share room/same bed for a longer time in a row. That never happend so I dont know if this is acctually true but my point is only to have that thought was f. ing breaktrought for me! Cuz this was one of my main concerns regarding long term relationships. I even manage to be with ppl for a year or more and always avoid joint vacations not to have this issue so prominent..now I think probably this issue was due to really poor choices of ppl to date.. but I still dont know for a fact cuz it was the same issue with every guy.
My dad’s got Aspergers. My parents have seperate rooms and I’m convinced this is what has kept their marriage intact for 35+ years. Best thing for them
I’m so glad there’s other people who think separate bedrooms are a good idea!!
so helpful and comforting thank you so much! my partner is on the spectrum and I love him so so much his honest to a fault way of being is one of the reasons that makes me feel so safe with him
We’ll said , asking questions and communication can often prevent frustration , I think this also applies to ppl who are in our every day life.
It is so true that we usually don't have bad intentions and we don't do things to be malicious despite it being interpreted that way often, especially when it comes to being overly honest.
*maybe wedding and kids might happen but you'll need separate bedrooms.* omg thank you so much you just made me feel SO NORMAL and understood, so many people think I'm crazy or straight up lying for wanting that. thank you so much!!!
OMG, I just realized something. The doctor who diagnosed me as autistic told me, if I ever find myself in a legal situation that I should call him. There is something he'd have to explain to the judge. In my country, the rule of law is something like, "what would a reasonable person do in the same situation?" The doctor was trying to explain to me that I might not do the same thing as a neuro-typical person and the judge needed to understand this. A judge might not understand the difference between me breaking the law and me having a misunderstanding.
I had a complicated relationship with an aspie guy. When we started dating he said he didn't wanted anything serious. He also said he wanted a fwb kind of relationship. I told him that I was ok with the nothing too serious, but I didn't wanted anyone else apart from us involved at any level, otherwise I would have been very hurt,and I would have preferred to keep just the friendship. He said it was ok . No matter what kind of thing we had(I still don't know how to call it and it's not important anyway), it was the best relationship I had so far. Yes he was different and hard to understand sometimes, but we all are, right? He was so kind, and sweet, and until 2 months ago I didn't know he was an aspie, actually. Later he had to leave for work, for a long time. He told me we would have been friends like we had always been,and no matter what we would have always kept being friends, and that I was one of the most important people in his life. I've casually watched a photo on Facebook, and well, be was dancing and kissing another girl. But never told me he had intended to stop being my lover. I've felt so hurt. He told me he was sorry I was feeling so bad, but never said he was not going to do it agian, he thought that basically if we were not physically in the same country for him ment automatically that we were only friends and he was free to sleep with other people. I stopped talking with him because I was hurt, and well so angry and told him he was making excuses and telling lies when he told he cared about me. I now only think he was just using me. He also told me that if it wasn't for the sex we wouldn't have been friends in such a short time and this hurt me and confused me soo much...what fo you think?
From my point of perspective, I dont jump in bed with strangers but also after I know someone for a while and start dating, I dont consider it relationship even if were having sex for last 6months.. it is a trust thing, and building real intimacy. As for him casualy being with someone else I can say it is very possible he did not thought it is a big deal that would hurt you, I know I had to learn a lot of rules I did not know were "common knowledge"of social interactions, and first person i dated was explicitly jelous so I understood that such thing is generally not acceptable, but later also many ppl "were hurt" over something I still dont get why. Bottom line is that you have to have explicit rules for everything that you need/want/expect and say it or it is high probabililty other person that's on the spectrum will not know it. After you share your rules they either accept it or dont but at least you both know. If there is a "silent"rule its the same as if it doesnt exist at all_just bcs he probably never consider it nor how would "breaking it" affect the relationship with another. This is bcs introverted ppl mostly remmember to consider their inner world hence the antisocial thingy..😂 oh just watch this video more times..
He said he wanted a fwb relationship and you said ok. then you're wondering why he's off doing things with other girls when he's in a different country? how about say no to fwb relationships & get a real relationship with someone who actually cares.
Understandable mistake on both parts, I think.
I just found out that the guy I been dating is Aspie. We been having tons of struggles and watching your videos has helped me learn and understand so much. I can't thank you enough. I am learning as much as I can how to communicate and understand and change my perspective. I assumed alot and found out I was wrong. I think with both Partners learning and educating themselves things will run much smoother.
Such an insightful, detailed & informative video.
Would love to see more content on NT/AS partnerships w/ lots more of tips for NTs included in order to sustain a balanced, loving relationship. Thank you.
thanks for the suggestion :)
I just wanted to say thank you. I'm learning so much from your videos and I am very grateful that you are sharing this information with us. It's beyond helpful
Gotta say, I just realized after about 7 years into my relationship that my significant other is possibly an undiagnosed Aspie. He says these same things, however, I'm not sure if it's our relationship dynamic, relationship history or our own personal histories but minor miscommunications quickly devolve into heated discussions and often times loud verbal arguements. Honestly, it breaks my heart. I even thought about going to therapy to see if I'm the problem. But your videos have helped over the past couple days, even if my significant other refuses to watch them. I've used them to learn to cope
Hello,if I can ask how things are after 3 years time ? 🙂I believe I am on the same boat and started to get worried , he is stubborn doesn’t communicate in the last few days 🫣My therapist is suspecting he is an Aspie 😬
Omg!!!! Thank you! My boyfriend is a aspie, so it can be very difficult sometimes but your videos, already, are enlightening me and making me more open. I love him a lot. It’s just that I have to be patient and understanding of him more. Thank you again!!!💜💜😭
sending this video to everyone I date from now on
Here you have my number, and my instruction manual XD ;
Me too if I ever date anyone
Same
Lol they'll just run away or go flirt with other men.
@@duckgod7370 Not if they’re Aspie women.
Sounds like straightforward and authentic! It’s about getting clear on expectations and projections. Sounds like many NT could benefit from that! Wow!🥰
Two aspies together would be good I reckon that they would give each other space
Unfortunately that's not always the case. My man is an aspie who likes space is not much for physical stimulation...where I am an aspie who is the complete opposite.. I need physical stimulation 24/7 it feels like. Although we manage and we do have a good relationship...sometimes we forget good boundaries lol
Agreed
IME we don’t need space from each other because we get each other so well & spend a lot time together but doing our own things. But sample size of two so keep that in mind! On the flip side I cannot be in a serious relationship with an NT. I don’t think I can even fall in love with an NT man. They inevitably bore me which is the absolute worst imo.
I feel like I need this.
This reminds me of a piece of wisdom from the Quaker school - "Think - you may be mistaken". It could save a huge amount of misunderstandings!
My boyfriend is on the spectrum and we've been together for a year and a half. Honestly it can be really difficult for me sometimes to understand him but your video has been so so helpful. Thank you so much
Emily Davie How did you guys meet?
Aspie here, just gotta say, YOU ARE SPOT ON, THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS ❤️
I am always a little beside myself when I see people underestimating the degree of truthfulness in 'Aspie-honesty'
Can you explain what you mean?
@@lisajewell7148 She means we are so honet with ourselves and others, that our honesty gets us in trouble lol
Paul, your videos are so incredibly valuable and I think you are awesome. Thank you so much for the work you do. You have such good emotional regulation, politeness, and insight and understanding. I'm so glad you communicate these concepts with calm and clarity and thoughtfulness.
People who don't want you to wear shoes in their home should provide slippers for their guests... Communication is the key with people whether they are Aspies or NT's. Thank You for the video.That was helpful.
Madd Scientist Slippers indoors is not really a thing in Finland nor Sweden. Socks, bare feet.. that's it
I find it amusing, that of all the possible ways for a culture to clash... it's about the 'right' way to keep your feet warm inside... lol. humans are amazing :)
MADD Scientist there are a lot of “shoulds” in what you just said. You seem to be assuming it should make sense. The particular household he was in does not seem to make allowances for some people to have colder feet. Perhaps this is common throughout that culture, as UsseWill seems to say.
I would say this is not only a problem with the cultural convention. If it is true what UsseWill says, this is an example (I won’t use the catch term) of when the “norms” are insensitive to some people feeling cold worse on their feet than perhaps is the norm. It is not clear for me whether our narrator (Paul) is or isn’t this cold-sensitive, but I personally would need accommodations in that household, unless they happened to keep the heat on pretty high all the time in that house. I need a layer of rubber (as in a sole) not leather, not wool or fabric only, I need rubber thickness-type slippers. Or I would be grouchy and very uncomfortable walking around anywhere inside that house.
I live in Stockholm and was born in the Nordics and I understand the shoe thing completely, but not the slippers. What's wrong with slippers inside? Lots of people in both Finland and Sweden wear them all the time, I have a pair myself. I think the person you stayed with sounds very odd!
#lala
And ur comment begs the question, if no slippers inside the house, then wtf are slippers for, actually. It isn’t like there is any other place u should wear slippers. Slippers’ express purpose is to be worn indoors.
This household rule u mention does sound odd, even insensitive.
And probably we are beating a dead horse by harping on this specific. But for me, it comes down the communication and people being able and willing to take on the perspectives of the others. This doesn’t come easy to everyone, but it is about keeping ourselves together. It is lonely enough out here, don’t need more conflict about things like slippers.
Thank you, this is very helpful. One thing, I'm 38, widowed, and I do miss having a companion but I didn't expect to have to date at this age (my husband took his life very suddenly, and especially after covid and being so alone for so long I dread meeting people a bit.) "Honest to a fault" is a great way to describe me. But one thing that happens I think primarily to women is having to weed out guys who lie, say they want a relationship, then they just want a one night stand. I tend to trust people because I don't lie and I assume others don't either. I'm about to throw in the towel even though I'm very loving even if the way I show it is primarily through actions; making their lives easier.
I’m a young widow too, not quite as young as you, but close. I’m 42. I have ADHD..wondering if I’m in the spectrum and wondering now if my husband was as well. He was an addict in recovery (relapsed during Covid and died late 2021). I’ve tried to date a long time friend who I think is also neurodivergent but it’s been so difficult. This whole thing has been so challenging. Good luck to us both. ❤
I still think, if people make assumptions, that you should make them feel heard and acknowledge that you understand why they came to those assumptions. Then they are less likely to see the reasoning as an excuse. Everyone wants to feel seen/heard/understood in relationships - so it is kind to be considerate of how they perceive the situation too.
The example you gave was about forgetting to respond to texts, this could be something like "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't a priority when I didn't respond, that wasn't my intention, the reason I didn't respond was (insert reasoning here etc.)". Now it sounds less like excuses, and will be easier for them to understand in the future, and your partner will feel that their feelings and perspective are heard and understood, because even if it is unintentional your behaviour can still have an impact on them. Relationship communication is a two way street, you need to be considerate of their perspective. Even though we have Aspergers and social skills do not come naturally to us, they are skills we can improve on. Emotional intelligence is something everyone can learn.
Wow I just wanna say that you sound so wise tbh
This is great! At this stage I’m still learning how my own mind works. Thanks to these videos.
And yes, people make assumptions even when I’m trying to explain myself after a misunderstanding.
The girl in the beginning sounds a bit compulsive to be honest.
75hilmar Yeah, I mean slippers aren’t shoes. 😅
It’s just a cultural thing. There are just certain things that you’re taught since birth and some people are uncomfortable with anything else if you get what I mean
@Stephen Anthony Same, I love my slippers.
People now chill and stop putting everything into boxes (categorizing behaviour). She's not compulsive at all, it's simply cultural. Wearing no shoes/slippers inside homes is just a thing we simply dont do. I'm from Finland and don't know anyone who wears slippers/shoes inside. We use woollen socks to keep our feet warm and fresh. I would react just like her if my guest would be scratching floors with footwear after making it super clear not to wear shoes. Well, I give a bit for the guy, she should've used word footwear maybe to be more clear :D
@@Pajune You are absolutely right in that it is a cultural thing.
But these points do not exclude each other. Culture and compulsion go hand in hand. Compulsivity is the upper extreme on the conscientiousness spectrum.
Our society rewards conscientiousness and agreeability but doesn't mention the side effects on individuals.
Yep that is who we are.
I was thinking it sounded compulsive because it made the impression that he had ruined a date by keeping on his shoes.
Could be a triple misunderstanding. Maybe he thought that the mistake was bigger than it was and that is why he told the story that way. Which would be typical aspie behavior.
The way he told it suggested to me that it was a really bad mistake and she could not help herself. 😅
Maybe it would not have come across that way if she had explained it better. I mean if you date an Aspie it would make sense. People expect other people to function. Another cultural thing.
Great topic. One of the best lines I’ve ever read was recently from A Room With A View by em Forster ““It is so difficult-at least, I find it difficult-to understand people who speak the truth.”
Crazy that truth speakers ( I consider myself one) would be hard to understand.
Hi Mark here, Aspie, hope u are well. Never been in a relationship (long story!!) but I did live with a girl once in my work dorm and it was a nightmare for me. She was very passive, didn't talk about her feelings and I misunderstood stuff. She didn't make the boundaries or ground rules clear, I would put dishes away that were left out and she'd put them out again to dry. Sometimes I'd do the washing up and then she'd add to it and say I was untidy.. I'd forget things sometimes by accident. What you need from any relationship is clear, direct and honest communication so u can both be ok, this is particulary true for an Aspie individual. One of the reasons I find getting into any type of relationship with anyone, men or women, is the lack of understanding into the condition and the lack of compromise. I think it is possible for an Aspie person to date if they meet the right person, but ideally u need someone who either has AS or has some experience with it.
Yes! Start with a nice normal girl who can communicate clearly, no games. NT relationships are hard enough, but If you have 2 emotionally mature people, u can make it work regardless of whether you are an Aspie or not
Thank you so much! I believe my husband lives with autism (not sure if that’s the correct phrasing so I’m open to learn), and we’ve had a lot of misunderstandings in our first year of marriage. I’m learning that he needs a lot of alone time and space - which is not a reflection of how he feels about me. He needs more time to think and contemplate before making a decision than I do, and I need to be very clear in my communication. I commit to being more open about how things could unfold, as my husband is the most amazing man I’ve ever met!
I really like what you said and have had some of the same issues with people and trying to have and keep relationships in my life. Thank you for the video and all the information.
I wish I had found you sooner, but you are helping me so much - Im nearly 70. Thank you.
IMO it was lack of communication on both parts (more on the aspies part) if he knew he wears slippers in the house and this is a different culture he could have asked if slippers were ok as they are similar to shoes. She also could have told him “no shoes including slippers” but maybe slippers aren’t a thing in Sweden so she didn’t even know he would wear them. End of the day it was her house he was crashing at so I think it was more his responsibility to be communicative. He was just assuming she would allow slippers. A lot of aspies assume things. My aspie boyfriend is lactose intolerant and he always expects things to not have cheese on them when it doesn’t explicitly say “no cheese” on the menu. We all know when you order beans at a Mexican restaurant they put queso fresco on them but he assumes they don’t if it doesn’t mention the cheese on the menu. Then he gets upset when the beans arrive with cheese. Is it that hard for him to ask the waiter if there’s cheese/ask for no cheese? No it’s not that hard. If you’re an aspie practice not assuming things.
This guy is making a difference in this world you have a great UA-cam channel I hope the best for you and your love ones thank you for helping us spectrum people
My ex-boyfriend is an Aspie. He's not diagnosed. But he has all the symptoms. In this video, you sound exactly like him...guess that's why we broke up. It's just so frustrating to communicate with each other. Even though we both speak English, but it felt like we are from different planet.
So you're saying that two partners can't get along if one of them has aspergers? I am a guy with self diagnosed aspergers. I show all the symptoms... what you think are my chances or finding the right partner?? Does she also need to have aspergers?
(please note, I am not being sarcastic here ... I am just curious to know from a normal person what they think of people like us....although unlike most aspie's I am very good with sarcasm)
Welp, this now explains why all my relationships haven't worked out. Great video!!! 😄
Thanks for this video as I understand more about the condition of my Aspie boyfriend.. I'm not in the spectrum, I'm a NeuroTypical so at first it's kind of hard to understand. I'm glad he admit it right away that he has this condition. I've just research about this disorder because I really don't know anything about it. Then I try my best to understand for what it is and I just accept him. I'm really happy that I found him in this life. We're just new in this relationship but I believe he's going to be my lifetime partner. 😊❤️ By the way, I'm older than him by 6years. 🤭💕
Sinday XV hello, can you tell me how you met
*THIS* is so helpful. I'm on the spectrum and as someone who has worked with many people on the spectrum, I'm 99% the man I'm dating is also on the spectrum. Honestly, I have loved this man for a long time and he just started opening up and sharing that the feeling is mutual. Watching this video really helps remind me that it's easy to forget how autism affects his communication style. He doesn't write long texts, but he is consistent. He is good about telling me what he is up to. Most important, I see that when we successfully flirted (NOT easy for two autistics), I am confident in the interest he demonstrated was genuine and I also know that generally autistic men don't play the field and don't show an interest in a woman unless they are thinking of a long term relationship.
My ex has Aspergers and so does my son. Sadly it is very hard. Not just on the Aspie side. Not ever feeling like we had gained ground in our years of marriage in closeness broke me.
Thank you. You are helping so many of us. I don’t get on you tube much but I try to watch you when I do. I have young adult son who is on the spectrum. I think he is spectacular. If he’s having a rough day, I always tell him stuff like “Son, sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.” He always looks at me funny so I’m not sure I should speak in a figurative way like that. I think he gets it now since he’s maturing more these days.
I know this comment is a bit late but was re-watching this video and I know I'm prone to making assumptions but this mainly happens in the ABSENCE of communication from the other person. So I've repeatedly tried to say that "the absence of information feeds my imagination" in an effort to communicate that he needs to just tell me "I need some alone time" and I will happily give him whatever time he needs. But when he just withdraws and doesn't tell me what's going on then that's when I imagine he doesn't care or doesn't like talking to me etc. especially if this goes on for more than a week or so. We are in a long distance friendship of 3 years and I'm still struggling at times to remind myself not to make assumptions and to remind myself of what he has done that shows his trust and caring. But it can be hard. I do appreciate your videos, they are so helpful. I don't even know if my friend is on the spectrum but I suspect he may be. He certainly is an INTJ if not an aspie.
This reply is really late, and hopefully you two are still friends. Is it normal for him to take more than a week to reply back? I’m also in a situation like this and it’s fairly new so I’m just trying to get some assurance 😭
@@axeldelgado7803my comment is also really really late. 😂 how did this work out for you? I’m currently in this situation, it’s hard. Any extra advice would be helpful.
You are so knowledgeable about us. I am always seen as being overly sarcastic that people often laugh at everything I say. It's getting to the point where I just pretend I am being sarcastic to fill the weird void and I feel like I have to "laugh" with them in order to make the other person comfortable. Just sucks.
I think if you are an NT who has high emotional needs, you should NOT go for Aspies. That's what happened to me. I learnt to communicate with him in a very clear and explicit way, he would do exactly what I requested. But...it's very artificial. It's just like dating an AI. You place an order, then you get exactly what you want. For example, if I asked him to call me once every two days, each call should last 10 mins, he would do that. But the way he does it, it's just like box ticking.
I believe efforts should be two ways. Could you make a video and introduce how Aspies can fulfil their NT partners' emotional needs? Or physical intimate needs? Any practice Aspies can do?
I promised myself to never date an aspie again. its exhuasting .
It sounds to me like you had some further unstated need that you did not tell your Aspie partner, but merely implied, buried in your request to call you every 2 days for 10 minutes. Some mysterious emotional need. Unstated. I say this because although you think you asked for what you needed, you still sound unsatisfied and angry, which generally means ones' needs were unmet because one did not fully state said needs. Seriously. I think you missed the whole point, dear NT. But this did make me chuckle- I agree you probably should not date us Aspies, since you look back on your dating experience with your boyfriend as dating an android. Heh. Funny person. Oh wait- I better stop laughing, I don't think androids have a humor microchip...
@@kathleenchaniot1022 maybe the unspoken need was genuine emotional connection and empathy on the phone during that call. Is an aspergers person really capable of that? even if you explain it to them isnt it kind of something they may be impaired with?
Just like with some people uncapable of fulfilling those needs, know what you want and seek them; or lower your expectations.
I found that I needed to get my emotional needs met through other avenues so that I can be more accepting of him, his needs and more balanced, less dependent on him.... but he wasn’t aspie, I just found it easier when trying to be with a recovering addict who could emotionally withdraw intensely.
man you made so many good point i wish more people got the thing you where on about i feel like as a community of people who are not as loved my other as much as some of us want to be which is very sad
Best Asperger's dating video I seen 😁 rock on
This can apply to any type of relationship. I have a friend thats an aspie, we are both guys. Not gay, just close friends. I think he enjoys having me in his life because its difficult for him to keep friends. Thanks this helped me understand him better.
Loved it :) :D Thank you for this very informative video!! I'll be hanging around watching more videos :D ;)
It is a bit weird though, I tend to think I am somewhere on the spectrum as well the more I learn about Aspergers and autism. All because I met someone I like with autism, but wouldn't have guessed if the person didn't mention it. As a matter of fact, I know many people who are autistic and when they explain why they behave in a way, I'm always like, if that's the case, then it would mean I'm autistic too. So umm, it is very nice to learn more through your channel. Thank you :) and keep up the awesome you and sharing with the world. I think it helps immensely to get a better understanding by hearing experiences from multiple sources :D
Lichtje I’m a woman who has diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome since I was 6, and my partner displays many symptoms of autism/Asperger’s even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis. I wonder if he feels the same as you do.
Excellent points about communication for everyone...not just Aspies. Thank you!