Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and turtle story. Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions on the internet like obssessed maniacs while avoidants are in their turtle shells letting their relationships collapse around them too afraid to expose themselves 😭 Edit: Happy news, I have finally had a break through with my avoidant partner 🥺!
An avoidant can make the most secure person feel anxious with the pulling away, flaw finding, secrecy, and withholding of intimacy. In a normal relationship, these types of behaviors are borderline abusive. The way an avoidant is in the beginning, compared to the way they are in the end, is schizophrenic. There's a reason there are so many negative comments about avoidants.
@@t4d7Ofc you would but ngl it does look kinda crazy and unrealistic on the outside. The idea of having a relationship but avoiding what comes with having a relationship makes no sense. Wanting so much space you never speak or not allowing someone you might or are spending the rest of your life with not get to know you is wild
The thing people don't get is they think avoidance means numbness, like they're being cold calculated and cruel. They're not, they hurt just as much if not more, it's just very repressed, it's like pulling your hand back from a hot burner -- automatic self preservation. It needs to be addressed, but certain reactions by anxious types only exacerbate it
If your partner pulls away from you with no warning or no explanation, anyone regardless of attatchment style will have a certain amount of anxiety about that. Period!
💯 Avoidants are so scared of losing themselves in the relationship > ultimately their secure partner ends up losing themselves. They believe themselves be very unselfish. Because they're very independent, but they do the most selfish thing that they can do to another person which is break their security and spirit.
I agree. I was primarily secure until I met this avoidant man. His avoidant style is to stonewall other people and I watch it. I am anxiously anticipating the same treatment. We have had 2 small issues in 5 months and I start to think is this the end or stonewall as soon as he pulls away. I will say he always allows the other people back into his life after days to weeks of his coldness. I really don't want this behavior as I am also slightly avoidant.
I’m going to use this as an aid to begin the repair process in my marriage. My wife is an anxious attachment type and I am very much avoidant but more self aware and willing to communicate than many it would seem. I probably owe that to more than half a decade of therapy. I know my avoidance and inability to emotionally regulate stems from childhood neglect and as much as I love space, solitude, and freedom, I love my wife more. I see a lot of avoidants who have really hurt their partners in the comments and while I’ve hurt my wife in many ways, I have not gone as far as a lot of folks and would like to avoid that. Thank you for this. It will be a useful tool.
Can I ask you something? Do you live with her? Do you felt in love? Do you give her some verbal appreciation? Because I have a situationship with a man who said to me that he likes me but don't want to be official, that he wasn't in love ( but he also said he never was with anyone), that I'm not enough feminine for him and we have two work life incompatibles. But he still reach me after 4 years of push and pull, especially for sex. Maybe he Is an avoidant narcissist 😞
Good for you for going to therapy and taking it seriously. But how the heck did your wife get you to start therapy?????? 🤔 so many avoidant men have shame or something around therapy and they refuse to even talk about it 😢
This happened to me over a number of years. I only recently (within the last month) spent time with a mirror and realized what has happened. The catalyst for my self analysys was my avoidant partner being now confused that I am "matching" her avoidant style. Surely, neither she nor I are healthy at this point.
As an avoidant, from my experience with my anxious ex was that whenever I tried to communicate about giving me some space so that I could recharge my battery, she saw that as me wanting to go away from her life which I think was our problem, we didn't have good communication skills and it went on like that for the whole relationship, with her trying to communicate with me and going over my head and me trying to communicate with her and she not understanding my intentions.
Yes better give a loose .. you'll feel better if you never react to avoidant bcos your true emotions and love might scare them .. let them go.. May Almighty bless you who understands your emotions and handle it with care...
Leaving is fine, but isn't part of a relationship growth. If the avoidant wants to leave it is probably for the better. If the avoidants wants to grow and understand then it is probably best for both if they stay and grow.
@@zcreate_great I say if there's a better option than being involved with someone who has deeply ingrained attachment issues, go with the better option.
@zeenuf00 I agree that if you've done the work and your work life, family life, and social life are all the things you want, you have no kids involved, your partner is stuck and your life is successful and complete your work is done in the relationship. However some of my friends who have left their partner with issues are unwilling to deal with their own issues and do the work. They rinse and repeat
there is gaslighting in the form of invalidation of someone elses perspective which most people view as "gaslighting". or theres actual gaslighting like "that never happened". im not a psychologist but based off what ive been read/told there is a distinct difference, and a lot of people are getting them crossed. these things are morally flawed absolutely, but if we even research what happens when we build resentment.. these traits will come out in someone regardless and thats why most divorces aren't exactly amicable.
@@skazibluthere should be respectful disagreement while keeping in place another person’s right to have another position/opinion. Devaluing, minimizing, calling stupid etc - just another narcissistic/manipulative methods Together with gaslighting, they usually go together. Gaslighting = any type of denying the reality (not only factual, but also emotional, - all feelings, thoughts, everything about another person’s world. That’s why it’s very narrow to understand it only as denying facts of material reality . Inner reality matters as much.
@@skaziblu Originally, gaslighting was specifically convincing someone not to trust their own perception of reality. Nowadays people use it to mean any form of invalidation of their perspective. It's gotten so bad you can't even personally disagree with someone's perspective without being accused of gaslighting.
No, an avoidant never tells you that "I am gonna have my own time", they just simply disappear and when they come back just give bunch of craps as a excuses
I’m an avoidant person, and I can’t agree with this. If there isn’t communication, sure. 100%, the avoidant will see no problem and just go off into the woods by themselves leaving you wondering. However, if the avoidant cares about your feelings, and if you have conversations like “hey I realize you need your alone time, or _____. But it really maxes me anxious when you just do _____. I just need you to communicate that you’re going to go off and do that with me. And then I’ll be good.” Sure it takes several attempts, the anxious person also doesn’t follow up with lots of phonecalls or txt wanting answers or to hear from them while they’re having few hours of alone time. And everyone can grow, and then tackle the next problem.
No mine does, mine tries allot, i have know her for 12 years and we are Trying to hela each other she said she wants to invest in me and me in her but sometimes she still shutsdown
A few months back, I discovered I have an anxious attachment when I ended up catching feelings for a avoidant attached person. It was absolute hell on earth, especially when she rejected me after expressing my feelings to her and she ended up dating a toxic person a month later. But I discovered that this all happened because of unhealed trauma from my childhood, resulting me to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
@@dawnstonerock4253 Thank you so much! This really means a lot since I have no support group while on this healing journey. There are times where it's really difficult. It just hurts so much, especially since I really cared about her. Yet she just completely ignores me and runs away from me when I run up to her every now and then. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm just focusing on myself and moving on.
@@dawnstonerock4253Thank you so much! This really means a lot, especially since I have no support group while on my healing journey. It can be very difficult at times going through this alone. It just really hurts so much sometimes because I really cared about her. Now, she avoids and ignores me and even runs away when we encounter each other in public. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm currently just focusing on myself and learning to move on and just learn and grow from the experience.
I can say this though: if you know your self to be the type of person who is objectively a catch, you know your worth and you can say with certainty you penetrated their armor and truly saw them, they cannot forget you if they tried. If you showed them true and healthy love, that registers for them and they will not forget. But the realness of it scared them levels deeper so it’s going to take longer. That’s been my experience.
We usually greatly minimize our own flaws and maximize the flaws of others, it is human nature. Also avoidants usually attract anxious people. Your comment on being remembered as healthy shouts immaturity.
Even though it’s hard, stepping away from unhealthy love is an act of self preservation. It takes courage to acknowledge when love becomes destructive and to prioritize your well being over the comfort of staying in a familiar, yet unhealthy, dynamic ❤
Yes when after .6 years he is fond of me, does not know what “having my back” means, …..and you on the other hand are trying, it feels very empty in the end. There are no guarantees. A big gamble especially if they think they are right, refuse to discuss and then go off momentarily with someone else on a cruise making you feel like an idiot. So no tripping again with him. It was a nightmare.
Yes when after .6 years he is fond of me, does not know what “having my back” means, …..and you on the other hand are trying, it feels very empty in the end. There are no guarantees. A big gamble especially if they think they are right, refuse to discuss and then go off momentarily with someone else on a cruise making you feel like an idiot. So no tripping again with him. It was a nightmare.
I think 75% of what attracts the anxious to the avoidant is the initial stage before any real intimacy. The anxious usually does not initiate the dynamic due to insecurities and the avoidant initially pursues VERY hard. The anxious feels like 'wow this feels great, I feel so seen!!' and even if the anxious had 0 interest before hand.... they will start to develop an attraction. Usually as this attraction develops there will be a plateau and then a subsequent avoidant pull back. This is where the anxious has all that validation and certainty removed from them rather quickly. Obviously this can be mega disorienting and even if you know about the anxious avoidant cycle.... there will still be some initial confusion because you probably did not identify them as avoidant right off the bat. Also, once the anxious has experienced this cycle before and if they have been made aware of their attachment style... the anxious will actually detach and avoid due to fear of anything they do pushing the person even further away or because they feel like they are the cause of the dynamic and really just feel broken
@salemhighschoolvolleyball957 You have described me and my boyfriend’s dynamic exactly. It started with him love-bombing me, and now after 8 months together, it has descended to the point where he avoids all intimacy, verbally, emotionally and physically. I now have started withdrawing, so as not to “chase” him further away. I see our relationship as slowly fizzling out and dying. I’m 69, he’s 71. We’re both divorced. I was married for 30 years, but he has had many, many girlfriends, both before and after his 17 year marriage, which ended after 10 years of him refusing sex with his wife. (He stayed so long because he didn’t want to leave his kids. He’s a very loving dad.) I believe all of his love affairs have ended this way, with a descent into sexlessness. He sees himself as a sexual stud. He describes himself as a man who is “controlled by his c*ck”. But in reality it seems that his many romances are the result of his fear of true intimacy, and that the initial thrill, the “honeymoon” period, is all he can handle. And he must then seek a new thrill partner. Of course it’s rooted in his childhood. Cold, critical parents, dad was a corporate exec, and the family moved every 2 years to a different country. He and his sister were always the new kids. The family would move in the middle of the school year. He learned that it was pointless to try and make close friendships. He’s very good looking, so wherever he moved to, he could always get validation from girls. It’s a pattern that continued into adulthood. I’m very sad for him. He’s a good person. He’s not mean. He just keeps breaking his own heart. He wants love and closeness. He’s just afraid, of rejection probably.
This happened in my last relationship. I’d never heard of attachment styles until she told me that she was avoidant. I researched and discovered that I lean anxious. When she pulled back and needed space I provided that, but it was never enough and after suffering through many pullbacks, fault finding critiques, and periods of sparse communication with all the other bull shot and narcissistic tendencies avoidants bring with them in their big bag of fduckery I’ve learned the cheat code that gives them what they need while alleviating my anxiety. I avoid them. They can have all the space they need. Btw, anxious is a turnoff for me, too, so I avoid them also. The only type worth pursuing a relationship with is secure. Everyone else is a no, or a smash and dash.
@@_Cristina_they still pursue genuinely. That makes anxious feel “he is genuine and it may work”. It is different than narcissist. It feels normal and genuine, which for avoidant is also true. But they pull away
I have an anxious attachment and my BF is avoidant. I’ve been searching because I don’t think my BF is a monster. I understand we both have issues. This has been by far the best video on these two attachment styles. Keep up the good work and keep those videos coming.😊
@MagoosBoob sad but true. Being aware of the behavior I try to lead my family and SO to healthier beliefs, perspectives, and choices but its become exhausting all the work and minimal result. Feels like constantly hitting a brick wall.
@MagoosBoob we have a house together and it's in her name (she had the good credit) so I feel trapped plus I do love her. I practice boundaries and assertiveness regularly the problem getting others to follow suit. Their so dug into their egos. I dream for better days but feels like I'm losing this battle. Sorry to vent to you, this is my burden.
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
As a female anxious person , who is grieving the loss of a relationship with an avoidant male, I found this very interesting and full of important knowledge I wish I ‘d had or been aware of earlier. I really saw myself as well as other person and what I need to DO and NOT DO going forward. I really care about this person and understand what led to his being Avoidant. Thank you!😊
the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs, and they certainly don't want you meeting them... because then that would mean that they're relying on you, and that's one of their worst fears!
Secure attachment can be based upon how secure the other makes you feel. No matter how securely attached you are can be damaged by the other and the ways or actions So being secure enough to leave if it’s not safe for you mentally or physically
I wish I found this video some months ago. My partner kept on expressing the need for space and time to heal and grow without being tied to anyone or anything, and it felt like abandonment. We would still speak like everything was normal, and so it caused confusion. It's only now that we're broken up I'm starting to realize maybe what she needed at the time was more space and time for herself without feeling responsible for me all the time. I don't know what the future holds for us since we're broken up now, but I will focus on trying to heal myself and become a better person. Thanks for the video.
Dude we are like twins...I'm going through the exact same thing I DIDN'T LISTEN TO HER that's because I was under a infatuation spell...so she started to pushing me away to the point where I did some work at her house and she disrespected my hard work (FYI: I'm a professional all around tradesman).. So I said fu$k it I'M DONE!!!! And I left... that was 5 days ago....Now I know she needs help and so do I, I'm going to give it 10 more days before I reach out... but when I do, I need advice on what to say or how to say that we both need help first and is she willing to put in the work.... thank you for your comment I hope to hear from you sam from south philly😁
@@toxicbear4792 At least you still have the ability to remain in contact with her. I’d say just take it as easy as you possibly can. Treat her like a friend.
I spent countless hours over the past few months researching anxious-avoidant dynamic. This episode by FAR the most profound and in depth explanation of tendencies partners exhibit in the relationship. Being recovering anxious I felt naked listening - you were talking about me to the T and my avoidant. Thank you!!!! There is a Iight at the end of this tunnel and we almost can see it!
You are describing me & my SP to a "T"! He's avoidant & I'm anxious! We both do to each other everything you are describing! We've been going at our relationship for 2 yrs now. The minute we get real close he pulls away & runs! Then I text the crap outta him & I do tend to bring up private things he's told me about his past & throw in his face! Not good...I know! I just get so frustrated! He completely shuts down! He says he's never been with someone so needy. I've never been with someone who runs! I know we love & care about one another & I'm hoping we can continue to just work on ourselves. We each recognize what we're doing wrong. This video is sooo good! Ty
I feel you. I’m the man (anxious ) and she’s the woman (avoidant). I’ve been watching so many videos and it’s been helping. I’m really starting to the root of it all which stems from myself. I’m really doing my best to look out for myself and gain confidence within. You came into world alone and you’ll leave alone too.
As a man who’s worked through a huge amount anxious attachment patterns. There’s a bunch of disregulated and low self worth male behaviours that you’ve lumped into avoidant identification which are present in both attachment styles. Hypo/hyper aesthetic judgement etc. This could be confusing for people. Also the underlying thing both partners/attachment styles want is simply a sense of safety. The reason we’re attracted to the other is not because we necessarily value their qualities, but because they have the capability to trigger us into deeper healing and a greater connection to self. This is the subconscious wisdom which attachment styles offer us and is a gift if we choose to view it as such. The qualities we actually want are usually exhibited by securely attached individuals and yet we’re not drawn to those individuals because they can’t give us what we truly want which is a greater unfolding of self, to the deepest realization that we already are love, and so anything that we project onto another is an illusion until we remember that within ourselves.
why in your opinion or based on your research can secure attached styles not offer the insecurely attached the opportunity of unfolding of self into the realization that we are already all love? seems counter intuitive as it seems the securely attached would be able to offer that better
@rayawake secure attached people can help insecure attached people. The problem is that anxious and avoidant have massive chemistry with each other. That chemistry they feel is their inner self looking to heal.
I disagree. The only time i'm anxious is when i'm with an avoidant because they're rude, selfish & seem to have zero empathy. That would drive anyone away. Someone with a secure attachment would be wonderful.
My partner sent me this video and it gave me a lot of perspective and make sense of our choices in the past. I’m the anxious partner and videos that I’ve seen always talk about what an anxious person needs to do and feeling like I’m the only one who needs to put in the work. Or feeling like I’m broken. The thing I loved about this video is how descriptive you are, adding examples, and options of solution for both attachment styles. I really appreciate the video and look forward to seeing more from you.
Dude. You gave us more in this segment than years of therapy ever did. Starting marriage counseling was the worst mistake of our married life. I wish 20 years ago, id known all this because I am all menatlly fd up now. Thanks for your insight.
Couldn't have come at a better time. I am going through this exact dynamic 4 months into my relationship. Hopefully constructive conversations and empathy/listening will help us both! Thank you!
This is gold! Thank you. My fearful avoidant girlfriend and I are currently getting back together and I recognize the anxious that I am. Luckily I’m self aware enough to check myself and do the work on myself, and so far she is open to doing her own work. It’s definitely interesting cause she will pull away but at the same time if I say things a certain way, she becomes terrified that I’ll leave her. I think if we can get through this we’ll have something incredible, and if not then it will be a great learning experience. It’s a gain either way.
Congratulations I'm in the situation... can I get your advice on what you said to her ? About both of you getting help and working on each other... I've been trying to think of a way to offer the opportunity to get help lmk ty
Thanks for sharing, I am an avoidant female with anxious male and this is helpful. I have seen a lot of female perspectives and nice to hear from a male. If an avoidant is ready to do the work they will. It’s taken me a long time, but finally ready.
Same with my husband and I. But 2mo I found out he had an affair. Since then it's like our roles have switched. He's the avoidant and I'm the anxious one. It's awful
In a distancing period now, waiting on an answer from my avoidant woman whether she wants to pursue a relationship or not. I'm dying 😢 I'm so afraid that she's already over us or has forgotten me completely or is just delaying the breakup to try and make it easier
8:15 Was a revelation for me. My partner and I were both insecure. Right about the time I was ready to start trusting her she told me she had been talking to her ex. It sent me deep into my insecurities. I should have ended it then because from that point on subconsciously I was no longer willing to be vulnerable. The relationship ended with me breaking up with her and she assaulted me. I still want to know what ways I was responsible but it makes sense that no relationship built on validating insecurity is going to work.
This helps me understand my previous relationschip so much, we just broke up 3 days ago and i always thought it was just me, but seems like we both pulled up the best and worse feelings in eachother. I just wish i had this information earlier so i could have controlled my anxiousness and not have pushed her away that much. Thanks you for sharing ur wisdom!
You deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. You don't have to neglect that need in order to accommodate an avoidant partner. Please remember that. And I wish you all the best for going through this hard time.
Both attachment styles are insecure and both take their toll on another person. Thank you for these insights--so helpful to accomodate and understand each other for healing and better communication.
What's the point of a relationship if there is no intimacy, closeness and connection? What do avoidants seek in a relationship then? I've only manifested anxious attachment in one relationship with an avoidant. In other more secure relationships I have had no problem with space and independence in the relationship.
They seek the physical comforts of life - sex, food, house, someone to show up to bbqs or family events with who doesn’t rock the boat. Very simple really. What they don’t want is any form of emotional, moral, political, or philosophical complexity or discussion about anything. They do NOT like rocking the boat. They think in binary shades of black or white, right & wrong cannot cope with complexity, ambiguity, nuance, uncertainty or shades of grey. If you are hoping for that person who would have said no to the German Third Reich - this is not your guy. I’m sorry to say these people are among the conformists. They may not like a direction society is going in but they are damn well not going to speak up or do anything about it. Every man for himself as far as they are concerned. But - if you need the lawn mowed, the hedges trimmed and the bills paid (including the bill for their secret porn account) - this is your guy!
Same! When I first learned of attachment theory in relationships I instantly thought I was anxious. But having done more research and then a few of the quizzes online it kept saying I was secure and I resonated a lot more with the description of a secure person. I didn’t have a traumatic or negative childhood, obviously it wasn’t perfect but I couldn’t relate to the descriptions of a typical anxious individual. However, in my current marriage with a very textbook Avoidant Dismissive man, I find myself leaning so much to the anxious side of things. It’s extremely eye opening but I feel so sad realizing that he’s bringing out quite literally, the worst in me 😢 we have a toddler son together too, and I’m a SAHM. It’s so difficult because I feel stuck. And he isn’t open to couples therapy, individual therapy, or even having basic conversations about these matters. So it’s like being in a dead end marriage. It’s crazy how if you spend enough time with one, an Avoidant can make even the most stable and secure person turn Anxious.
It's transactional for them. They have never felt love so they don't know what they're missing out on and it feels normal to be in a loveless marriage. They only have dopamine no oxytocin..
Dealing with this right now,my AP says he still feels for me but that feeling isn't enough to give up his independence and rather stay alone forever,he says sorry and got emotional.I told him we can fix it but he said no,he cannot see himself giving up his freedom.He is ready to grow old alone and says he is tired of this life.
Listen to what they are telling you. It's the truth. It's not them asking you to change them. It might take them another 10 years to open up to a committed relationship
It's okay to let go too trust me things di still happen for a reason and if he makes that decision respect it and do what's best for you. Bcs at the end of the day we all deserve better period.
I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere appreciation for the incredible content you create on your channel. Your videos on the dynamics between anxious and avoidant partners resonate deeply with me and have provided clarity on a topic that often feels overwhelming. Your ability to articulate the complexities of these relationship styles has helped me and many others understand our experiences better. Thank you once again for the work you do. It truly makes a difference!
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Great video-definitely the best I've encountered on this topic. In my opinion, anxious individuals often seek answers or solutions, which can be incredibly frustrating because you want your avoidant partner to engage. However, it can also be liberating; when they don’t respond, it highlights that you have no control over it, potentially leading to peace and closure.
If you want to test your resolve, a relationship with an avoidant is for you. Here is a prediction: by the time the relationship is over, you will be so traumatized, emotionally drained and depleted. Btw, avoidants and covert narcissist share many many traits.
Yeah, but a person with an anxious attachment style can overwhelm their partner by relying too much on them for validation. They might think that 'working on things' means constantly pressuring the other person to address every issue immediately, feeling that everything must be fixed NOW. They may not understand their partner’s need for space or the ability to process thoughts and emotions in their own way and on their own time. This can be off-putting to someone with a healthy attachment style, and an avoidant partner will usually pull away or run for the hills
@@MacheteKitten yes see, but that can be addressed and recalculated. What can't be done, is try and come to terms with a partner that isn't there in the first place. An anxious can learn to give someone space. If anything they'd be happy to get some feedback at all! But the avoidant gives nothing. You can't work with nothing and expect everything to just be OK.
@@wizdum4957 Yes, though my question is: is the 'anxious' person giving space because they genuinely understand their partner's need for it, or are they trying to 'play it cool' out of their fear of rejection or a need to "keep the peace"? I don't believe attachment styles are set in stone, and with work, self-awareness, and effort, people can find their way to healthier bonds. However, when two people like this are in the midst of their unhealthy attachment styles, they are definitely very incompatible. It's interesting because an avoidant and an anxious person are pretty much polar opposites, yet they often find themselves attracted to each other in a push-pull dynamic, or the 'anxious-avoidant trap.' Ironically, it's these unhealthy attachment styles that are drawing them to one another. But you can only work on yourself.
Listen to this man. He is %100 on the spot. My partner and I have enacted this to a T several times. I protest, she shuts down with stonewalling. Neither allows the other to leave. We are a case study.
@@LorenaBerrenbaum the irony is, the more you pressure him to do the work since hes an avoidant he is way less likely to do it. my favorite saying ive found so far is "give them the space to change" or 'you cant change someone, but you can effect change in them by your behavior. its mind blowing how much the way we are interacting or being around someone effects them. hence why your S.O. will appear to be a different person outside of your relationship in some cases.
that was really good...and my situation to a tee... I hope it is not past the point of no return - I have listened to this several times already...it is so spot on.
THIS video is a treasure for me! I'm on the anxious side, and I have been in a situationship with my partner who is an avoidant person for the last 4months. What you said in this video is valid. I've been practicing to focus more on myself and I feel the positive thing because I learn to love myself after 13years of toxic relationship/trauma bond with my ex. At first I became so frustrated with my partner because he seems so distant. But then I keep reminding myself that I love how he loves his job and why don't I do the same by loving what I love too? Being with him is hard at first because I struggle with my anxieties but I took the positive thing so I focus on my self worth. Of course, there is still a long way to go to make this relationship work, but at least I know now I'm on the right path. sorry for the long comment, thank you so much for your video!
How do you spot them? It’s hard for me to spot them until I’m already 3-4 months in a relationship with them. But by then I’m invested and it’s hard to leave.
I have been looking for that one amazing video about the dynamics between avoidant & anxious attachment styles. This is the one!! Thank you so much for this video!! Liked, subscribed & looking forward to watching other videos. 😃
I just realized by what you said about the anxious attachment is what I previously presumed as a narcissistic spouse. Turns out, although there are narcissistic tendencies, it’s actually the symptoms of anxious attachment rearing its head. So interesting!!! Super helpful, thank you!
It was Jerry. He always found something wrong with every woman he dated. George was the opposite. He wanted to be liked and loved by everyone. He once was so hated, he fell in love with that person and wanted them to change and want him. Thank you for all of this excellent advice and support. I have anxious attachment style and my girlfriend has avoidant. We are in this push-pull phase and it’s not fun, but so far we are riding the waves (while still loving each other) and getting through the storm. All this information helps even more. Thank you! :)
Curious how things turned out for you. I'm in a break period after some intensely hot/cold 2 months. Dying, hoping my fearful avoidant woman doesn't forget me while she's taking time to make up her mind about my anxious self 😢
What an excellent and balanced take and I appreciated the actionable self-interventions, and the focus on self accountability. If you want change in your relationship, it has to come from you.
Both Anxious and Avoidant people need to work on themselves Anxious people need to be more accountable Understand that your anxiety triggers the avoidant person, because its a little too much for them, in which their avoidance in turn triggers you Its a cycle I see so many anxious people yapping in the comments and vilifying avoidants Both need to take accountability Its an equal fight
Because it's hard to comprehend that someone says they love you but turns around and avoid you especially if you live together ofc it will Trigger you it is so contradicting.
I've been in this dynamic in my marriage for 28 years. We've been separated twice for a total of about 5 of those years. I see us in what you're sharing. I've been a co-dependent person, though and he convinced me that I was the problem in our relationship and that it was my fault he couldn't love me the way I wanted to be loved. I believed it for a few years and worked on myself ... Which led to my being able to begin to discern what was mine and what was his. I've spent the better part of 25 years in introspection and counseling//healing. What you describe as anxious AND avoidant describes his behavior on both counts. He's anxious AND avoidant. He's had so much chaos internally that he reaches out in his environment to control and manipulate everyone and everything else. He also enmeshes with the people who have any relationship to him and he sees them as an extension of him therefore, it affects his image which causes him to want control over them. Soon after we separated, I decided to let my hair grow long and to stop coloring it because of the chemicals. I now have long, prominent streaks of gray. We've been separated for 4 years and decided this is the year we are going to conclude this relationship one way or the other...so he's been trying to put in his due diligence so he can't be blamed for the divorce. But he just asked me last week if I would ever consider coloring my hair again. I chuckled and said no. I like it the way it is. He smiled and proceeded to suggest a natural hair coloring that doesn't have harmful chemicals. I just smiled and said no, but thank you anyway. He proceeded to try to push the product... In my mind I'm thinking, really? We talk about the possibilities of getting back together and this is your talking point? Just one of many interesting conversations. The truth is, the feelings I have for him are relegated to caring about him. I have compassion for that lost, scared little boy who has been so neglected & abused...but I've pretty much decided my role here is completed. I've been the mom far too long. I'm not sure he can allow me out of that role...and I'm pretty tired. I've provided a safe place for him to do a lot of growing and I'm ready to move forward to receive true, authentic love which I was not able to receive before because have had a lot of healing to do from my own narcissistic parental dance from childhood. And maybe he will find someone who he can learn further about safety in vulnerability. I've often said to him that he doesn't need me or anyone else, and I want to feel that kind of emotional connection. It helps to validate my existence in the relationship. I have my issues and needs, too. I adore making deep emotionally intimate connection now and then. I think it helps to create loyalty and trust. He's terrified of it. He uses my vulnerability later to hit me over the head with it. As a result, I don't trust him anymore and I'm not super interested in working on that. I guess I'm done.
its the other way around, this can happen with a less avoidant or secure person too, the avoidants behaviors are the primary problem... do you think not talking for weeks with no heads up is okay?
22:32 mine literally said "we should fight. i've usually fought with a girlfriend by now, why haven't we fought yet?" after the hotel clerk called us Mr & Mrs and we did the "hard launch" on social media. And for this anxious lady, that began the overthinking for me. Thanks for this video! Know I'm not a man but I'm watching "Man Talks", but this was incredibly helpful. The hypercriticism from my ex and his refusal to communicate when he needed space unfortunately caused us to break up, but this video really breaks down what really happened in the relationship.
This was one of the best descriptions of my relationship. I wish I had come across it sooner. I am definitely aware and am going to spend time on me. My partner and I are apart but I feel it's not over. I will be better prepared.
And that's what's bothers me about all of this. How can you claim to be in a relationship if you're not a WE? How are two individuals who simply share space a couple?
Anxious people don't want a WE, they want a ME with the other person revovling around their anxieties. If the anxious person can't emotionally regulate and respect boundaries, that's definitely not a WE.
I am so happy and grateful to your knowledge and sharing it to us. I just met a guy and I’m ecstatic if I can that to meet him. I’ve never met a man like him before. But I strongly believe and I’m quite positive he’s an avoidant person and I’m an anxious person. I’m 70 years old been through so much in life and I want this guy to be my last life partner. So thank you so much.
This one video has been worth more than ten sessions of therapy with my supposed therapist. He disagnosed me as depressive/anxious and tried to treat my mind physically - thinky my amygyla are enlarged. That's probably true. What he needed was to dig deeper into who I am, my past, and where I am now and what shapes the most negative of my emotions today.
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I can literally see my relationship unfold. The most practical video, succient and to the point. Best video by far, after going through hundred. Other videos use lot of high vocabulary which just throws us off.
You made me cry. I cannot even comprehend why I would want to be reliant on someone else. I don’t see how that helps. And what would make me feel safe in a relationship? Nothing. Anyone can let me down at any time. It’s just true. And it feels safer to live with that knowledge than to be burned over and over again. You say these things like it natural and normal. But I can’t see why I would want to change.
It's not so much about wanting to change, but about creating a common ground for communication where our connection with ourselves can be expressed in a healthy way. Resistance to change can also create a sense of imprisonment within ourselves to some extent. The reason I say imprisonment is that, in life, our sense of self is formed based on whether or not the various emotions we've experienced have been met. And as social beings, humans constantly check themselves through the eyes of others. It's almost as if our emotional regulation or dysregulation with our partner serves as proof of whether we have internal emotional regulation.
Everything takes TWO & Both self reflecting .... COMMUNICATION IS CRUCIAL!!! Every person in this crazy world has their shit!.....It all comes down to .......BOTH wanting, accepting, compromising, respecting & COMMUNICATING!! Thankyou great video 🙏
You won't get communication out of an avoidant, they don't do emotional intimacy. Also, you can't fix them, unless by some miracle they decide to fix themselves.
I am disappointed that the qualifiers around anxious is more judgemental when describing punishing behaviors of avoidants. What about the simple interpretation that anxious have some awareness that they realize they have tried to reconnect so much, and feel spent and ignored, that they just see they fueling their own cycle when nobody in front is talking, so they just withdraw to fill their own well since the other person is not showing up to the bid for connection. If anxious has to respect need for space of avoidants, that's the reciprocal?
I think the way the anxious type is portrayed in this breakdown seems slightly more judgemental because the man in the video comes from an avoidant type background. He’s good, but I can clearllllly see a bias in his breakdown.
I love what you said about not mirroring the dismissive’s avoidant behavior. As Coach Court says, it’s best to be our authentic selves, which means continue to be loving and express that to them. It helps us both, and prevents the dismissive person’s partner from becoming resentful and cold. If they run from our love, it hurts them more than it hurts us, in the long run. Becoming dismissive like them only makes things worse and damages us as well.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
I hope things are better for you. Focus on you. Learn your attachment style and work to move it from an insecure one if it is indeed insecure, to a secure one. I wish you the best my friend.
He prioritizes his couple of close friends over anything and everything in this world. It's been over a year that we have been dating and he sacrifices seeing me for weeks and weeks but grabs all the opportunities to see his 2 close buddies on Saturday nights as a fixed routine.
In my case there isn’t avoidance for weeks but he did let me know that his daughters would always come first above all else. I consider myself dating a married man- to his daughters. The relationship works because I only give as much as I get. We are superficial companions. I have had fireworks and head over heels love. He passed away. I just want a companion at this stage of my life. Another man would have asked for some type of commitment by now.
As an avoidant, I will literally avoid everyone except my mum and best friend. The reason why is that friends or parents don't come with a list of demands that I cannot keep up with. I feel safe around my friends, whereas I get very very overwhelmed around partners even if it's quite casual. Avoidant's retreat into their safe space, pestering them, blaming them, getting angry at them just makes them need to hide more. Why would they want to be around someone who is never happy with them? Who demands a level of expectations that they cannot adhere to? It's suffocating. My friends don't demand anything from me, nor does my mum.
21:26 Unfortunately a DA man who is having affairs and lying about it and refuses full transparency makes an anxious person NEED to get creative chess the phone in order to discover the truth. And the truth is: he was having affairs and in dangerous situations that could have harmed the wife. The wife has every right to know and protect herself physically and financially against these betrayals.
We broke up.. I'm an avoidant.. she's an anxious.. she broke up with me.. i really tried to work things out but she didn't..😢 been on NC for 1week+ now.. hope she comes back we'll fix together.. i used to be an anxious person, until one relationship where i got ghosted it hit me so hard that i became avoidant where i find to love myself more and be independent.. but now it's ruining my relationship with this anxious ex..
I so appreciate this wisdom and perspective coming from a man. As a man, it seems rare to find much wisdom coming from other men. Rare and valuable - thank you for what you are doing.
The simplest way to break free from the anxious-avoidant dynamic is to gather your strength and end the relationship. Deep down, you know it's unhealthy and draining, but you're holding on because of the fond memories from the infatuation phase. You might hope to fix the avoidant or make compromises to bring back that early version of them. However, this won’t happen. Avoidants tend to hold grudges, and by the time they shut down, they misinterpret your efforts as controlling and needy. It’s a lose-lose situation for you.
As an avoidant female, one of the things that always balances out my relationship with my anxious male partner is that he has a very full life and is a social butterfly people pleaser that gets his needs met from his many other relationships. He’s a lot, way too much for anyone person, and definitely too much for me alone; however I do not have to be his emotional support because he has such a full life and I spend a lot of time alone. The issue is that if he does need that emotional support from me, or if I am starting to crack and can’t provide that stability and navigate responsibilities for him then the attachment starts to break down. If he ever does leave completely or for too long I do chase, but otherwise I stay very aloof and just enjoy his occasional check in. We’ve been together for a very long time but still don’t have a deep connection due to my fear of emotional intimacy.
@@Vera-sc3udYes, that’s literally what I was saying. There’s nothing to “wait for.” We are both well aware of our dysfunction. But since he is also anxious, there is no way I could satisfy his emotional needs on my own even if I wasn’t avoidant, that’s why I was sharing this I for others. He didn’t learn how to self-sooth, and needs confirmation from 5+ people that he’s still worthwhile, and yes I’m triggering for him as his neediness causes me to “give him space” as default, which is not what he wants, but we are both aware and working on it. He’s also attracted to me for the same reason, which a lot of anxious people tend to overlook. If I’m ever actually vulnerable and needy myself, he doesn’t know what to do and gets triggered. Anxious attachment wanting attention, but doesn’t necessarily want to give it either… which reinforces the circle now doesn’t it. Anyways, both choosing to work on it is much better than both being in the dark.
Wow! This was so fantastic! I’ve watched, read and listened to so much on this and this by far was the most helpful. I appreciate how you took it off the drama triangle and gave both the anxious and the avoidant support. I really enjoyed hearing what the each needs to work on and how they can understand the opposite. Thank you for your work and share!
This has been soo eye opening and sounds very close like my relationship that just ended with her leaving. Definitely going to be working on myself to be a better more secure person so that my next relationship is better or if she is willing to work together after giving her some space, on this a new version of us. Thank you so much!
He was never willing to do the work. Putting a woman in the uncomfortable and unnatural position of the pursuer confused me and was a complete turnoff for me. Never did his words match his actions. The neglect from him became unbearable. As much as i wanted and needed his love, it just felt like constant rejection and hurting to my soul. He let my love for him literally die on the vine due to his neglect. Very painful for me. Never would he invest in me yet i was expected to invest in him which i did on every single level but always without reciprocation. Way too many hurtful damaging headgames. Eventually, i discovered him cheating and that ended that. He was and is a complete covert narcissist. Healing my heart and mind from his psychological abuse and needing to protect myself was essential to my getting a healthy distance away from him and gaining clarity. Now, he has returned to hoover me. Never again.
I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style due to CPTSD. It is not easy by any means and in spite of seeing thousands of comments generalizing and bashing DAs, I am here. I have watched thousands of hours of Videos and have found a Therapy that actually works. My suggestion is that if your DA is not doing the work. Set a boundary and walk away, if they are then please show patience and compassion. Some of us are trying and can easily get discouraged when we do finally work up the nerve to seek help and come here only to be crapped on. I see several people claiming they were secure before they met their DA. Well have you actually watched any of the videos on how a Secure person would handle a situation. They set boundaries and leave a situation before they even get to the point where a DA “ruins” their lives. As I said some of us are here and we are trying.
Avoidants in my experience are the hardest to heal their attachment style. They avoid change at a deep level that deals with early truama. Often coupled with avoidance is depression, they get the double whamy. Once they are gone they are gone... unless by some devine power they return. If their will can align with God's will then you stand a chance. Very difficult to budge Avoidants.
I don't know why or how this video came across my feed. My girlfriend just told me she wants a break. And I like wasn't shocked but slightly surprised. Anyways, I realize that this whole scenario you played out is me/us. I am avoidant. I'm like literally in tears. Everything you said felt like you were talking about me, my behavior, and tendencies directly at me. Thank you. I have some serious work to do.
So many helpful comments here. I would just like to say "Thank You" This has been a revelation, and I will be trying to action as many of the helpful hints mentioned.
I think you did an outstanding job in your attempt to clarify the attachment styles. But in my dilemma, I am with a fearful avoidant. I just don’t know how to deal with him. I asked to get counseling and he said no he was going to work on himself. he makes me so insecure, always pulling away and then coming back that I finally gave up
Gaylene… Do yourself an ENORMOUS favor: FIND A PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. I’ve been through it. It’s going to tear you apart and waste away years of your life.
Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and turtle story. Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions on the internet like obssessed maniacs while avoidants are in their turtle shells letting their relationships collapse around them too afraid to expose themselves 😭
Edit: Happy news, I have finally had a break through with my avoidant partner 🥺!
Perfectly said
great analogy!
So true !
👏🏽👏🏽
😅😅😅 I can agree
An avoidant can make the most secure person feel anxious with the pulling away, flaw finding, secrecy, and withholding of intimacy. In a normal relationship, these types of behaviors are borderline abusive. The way an avoidant is in the beginning, compared to the way they are in the end, is schizophrenic. There's a reason there are so many negative comments about avoidants.
Their brain chemistry issues help to depersonalize it
most of them suffer from mental problem, best the couple seek prof help together.
If you called my schizophrenic I would avoid you too 😂
@@t4d7Ofc you would but ngl it does look kinda crazy and unrealistic on the outside. The idea of having a relationship but avoiding what comes with having a relationship makes no sense. Wanting so much space you never speak or not allowing someone you might or are spending the rest of your life with not get to know you is wild
The thing people don't get is they think avoidance means numbness, like they're being cold calculated and cruel. They're not, they hurt just as much if not more, it's just very repressed, it's like pulling your hand back from a hot burner -- automatic self preservation. It needs to be addressed, but certain reactions by anxious types only exacerbate it
If your partner pulls away from you with no warning or no explanation, anyone regardless of attatchment style will have a certain amount of anxiety about that. Period!
True
THANK YOU! Yes.
Many secure partners end up turning into anxious after interacting with avoidant . It builds insecurity over time
💯 Avoidants are so scared of losing themselves in the relationship > ultimately their secure partner ends up losing themselves. They believe themselves be very unselfish. Because they're very independent, but they do the most selfish thing that they can do to another person which is break their security and spirit.
Thats what happened to me
Yes im a leo girl and this is probably the first time I'm starting to feel small
That is exactly my marriage. I was very secure and now I’m a mess with anxiety.
I agree. I was primarily secure until I met this avoidant man. His avoidant style is to stonewall other people and I watch it. I am anxiously anticipating the same treatment. We have had 2 small issues in 5 months and I start to think is this the end or stonewall as soon as he pulls away. I will say he always allows the other people back into his life after days to weeks of his coldness. I really don't want this behavior as I am also slightly avoidant.
I’m going to use this as an aid to begin the repair process in my marriage. My wife is an anxious attachment type and I am very much avoidant but more self aware and willing to communicate than many it would seem. I probably owe that to more than half a decade of therapy. I know my avoidance and inability to emotionally regulate stems from childhood neglect and as much as I love space, solitude, and freedom, I love my wife more. I see a lot of avoidants who have really hurt their partners in the comments and while I’ve hurt my wife in many ways, I have not gone as far as a lot of folks and would like to avoid that. Thank you for this. It will be a useful tool.
So beautiful, this made me teary eyed 🥹🙏 It’s all about the fight to be better ♥️🫶🏼
you would like to avoid? 😮😮😅
@@IvonaFlakus😢😢 sad woman
Can I ask you something?
Do you live with her? Do you felt in love? Do you give her some verbal appreciation?
Because I have a situationship with a man who said to me that he likes me but don't want to be official, that he wasn't in love ( but he also said he never was with anyone), that I'm not enough feminine for him and we have two work life incompatibles.
But he still reach me after 4 years of push and pull, especially for sex.
Maybe he Is an avoidant narcissist 😞
Good for you for going to therapy and taking it seriously. But how the heck did your wife get you to start therapy?????? 🤔 so many avoidant men have shame or something around therapy and they refuse to even talk about it 😢
When the Anxious person never gets what they are looking for they become an Anxious avoidant. This dynamic is so painful and can go on for decades.
This happened to me over a number of years. I only recently (within the last month) spent time with a mirror and realized what has happened. The catalyst for my self analysys was my avoidant partner being now confused that I am "matching" her avoidant style. Surely, neither she nor I are healthy at this point.
Wow, just recognised myself 😮
As an avoidant, from my experience with my anxious ex was that whenever I tried to communicate about giving me some space so that I could recharge my battery, she saw that as me wanting to go away from her life which I think was our problem, we didn't have good communication skills and it went on like that for the whole relationship, with her trying to communicate with me and going over my head and me trying to communicate with her and she not understanding my intentions.
@@bdtrapthis is what’s happening to me right now. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s the only way I can not be so anxious 😢
Yes better give a loose .. you'll feel better if you never react to avoidant bcos your true emotions and love might scare them .. let them go.. May Almighty bless you who understands your emotions and handle it with care...
A sane person eventually gives the avoidant what they want.
They leave.
A sane person doesn’t push the avoidant in the first place lol
@@lesliebean4594 a sane person leaves when they realize the person they're with is an avoidant
Leaving is fine, but isn't part of a relationship growth. If the avoidant wants to leave it is probably for the better. If the avoidants wants to grow and understand then it is probably best for both if they stay and grow.
@@zcreate_great I say if there's a better option than being involved with someone who has deeply ingrained attachment issues, go with the better option.
@zeenuf00 I agree that if you've done the work and your work life, family life, and social life are all the things you want, you have no kids involved, your partner is stuck and your life is successful and complete your work is done in the relationship. However some of my friends who have left their partner with issues are unwilling to deal with their own issues and do the work. They rinse and repeat
While it may not be a "moral thing" - some of the gaslighting, cruelty, dishonesty, flaw- finding, stonewalling - is immoral, and often cruel.
there is gaslighting in the form of invalidation of someone elses perspective which most people view as "gaslighting". or theres actual gaslighting like "that never happened". im not a psychologist but based off what ive been read/told there is a distinct difference, and a lot of people are getting them crossed. these things are morally flawed absolutely, but if we even research what happens when we build resentment.. these traits will come out in someone regardless and thats why most divorces aren't exactly amicable.
@@skazibluthere should be respectful disagreement while keeping in place another person’s right to have another position/opinion. Devaluing, minimizing, calling stupid etc - just another narcissistic/manipulative methods Together with gaslighting, they usually go together. Gaslighting = any type of denying the reality (not only factual, but also emotional, - all feelings, thoughts, everything about another person’s world. That’s why it’s very narrow to understand it only as denying facts of material reality . Inner reality matters as much.
Yes many are not ethical
Exactly what I was thinking. Stone-walling is cruel.
@@skaziblu Originally, gaslighting was specifically convincing someone not to trust their own perception of reality. Nowadays people use it to mean any form of invalidation of their perspective. It's gotten so bad you can't even personally disagree with someone's perspective without being accused of gaslighting.
No, an avoidant never tells you that "I am gonna have my own time", they just simply disappear and when they come back just give bunch of craps as a excuses
Yes! Avoidants communicate with Behaviors, Not words!!
Yes... and asking them for communication about if they are going to take space is just an invasion of their autonomy.
Absolutely 💯 I agree with you @mozhy..
I’m an avoidant person, and I can’t agree with this. If there isn’t communication, sure. 100%, the avoidant will see no problem and just go off into the woods by themselves leaving you wondering. However, if the avoidant cares about your feelings, and if you have conversations like “hey I realize you need your alone time, or _____. But it really maxes me anxious when you just do _____. I just need you to communicate that you’re going to go off and do that with me. And then I’ll be good.” Sure it takes several attempts, the anxious person also doesn’t follow up with lots of phonecalls or txt wanting answers or to hear from them while they’re having few hours of alone time. And everyone can grow, and then tackle the next problem.
No mine does, mine tries allot, i have know her for 12 years and we are Trying to hela each other she said she wants to invest in me and me in her but sometimes she still shutsdown
As a qualified and highly experienced psychotherapist i wholeheartedly embrace the content of this video. Excellent!
As a person who doesn’t feel the need to lay out qualifiers before my name, I also embrace the content of this video.
A few months back, I discovered I have an anxious attachment when I ended up catching feelings for a avoidant attached person. It was absolute hell on earth, especially when she rejected me after expressing my feelings to her and she ended up dating a toxic person a month later. But I discovered that this all happened because of unhealed trauma from my childhood, resulting me to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
I pray you continue on your own journey of healing. You deserve better. Much love from Texas ❤
@@dawnstonerock4253 Thank you so much! This really means a lot since I have no support group while on this healing journey. There are times where it's really difficult. It just hurts so much, especially since I really cared about her. Yet she just completely ignores me and runs away from me when I run up to her every now and then. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm just focusing on myself and moving on.
@@dawnstonerock4253Thank you so much! This really means a lot, especially since I have no support group while on my healing journey. It can be very difficult at times going through this alone. It just really hurts so much sometimes because I really cared about her. Now, she avoids and ignores me and even runs away when we encounter each other in public. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm currently just focusing on myself and learning to move on and just learn and grow from the experience.
Same here too.. only difference between us is that he s a man and I'm female
How do we stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
I'm the avoidant and it breaks my heart how I've handled my marriage. Thank you for your videos Conner
I can say this though: if you know your self to be the type of person who is objectively a catch, you know your worth and you can say with certainty you penetrated their armor and truly saw them, they cannot forget you if they tried. If you showed them true and healthy love, that registers for them and they will not forget. But the realness of it scared them levels deeper so it’s going to take longer. That’s been my experience.
🙌🏼❤️🔥FACTS❤️🔥💯
Oh I won't be able to forget. Cool.
How did it go ? I’m in the same situation right now and I’m curious
We usually greatly minimize our own flaws and maximize the flaws of others, it is human nature. Also avoidants usually attract anxious people. Your comment on being remembered as healthy shouts immaturity.
Even though it’s hard, stepping away from unhealthy love is an act of self preservation. It takes courage to acknowledge when love becomes destructive and to prioritize your well being over the comfort of staying in a familiar, yet unhealthy, dynamic ❤
Yes when after .6 years he is fond of me, does not know what “having my back” means, …..and you on the other hand are trying, it feels very empty in the end. There are no guarantees. A big gamble especially if they think they are right, refuse to discuss
and then go off momentarily with someone else on a cruise making you feel like an idiot. So no tripping again with him. It was a nightmare.
Yes when after .6 years he is fond of me, does not know what “having my back” means, …..and you on the other hand are trying, it feels very empty in the end. There are no guarantees. A big gamble especially if they think they are right, refuse to discuss
and then go off momentarily with someone else on a cruise making you feel like an idiot. So no tripping again with him. It was a nightmare.
I think 75% of what attracts the anxious to the avoidant is the initial stage before any real intimacy. The anxious usually does not initiate the dynamic due to insecurities and the avoidant initially pursues VERY hard. The anxious feels like 'wow this feels great, I feel so seen!!' and even if the anxious had 0 interest before hand.... they will start to develop an attraction. Usually as this attraction develops there will be a plateau and then a subsequent avoidant pull back. This is where the anxious has all that validation and certainty removed from them rather quickly. Obviously this can be mega disorienting and even if you know about the anxious avoidant cycle.... there will still be some initial confusion because you probably did not identify them as avoidant right off the bat. Also, once the anxious has experienced this cycle before and if they have been made aware of their attachment style... the anxious will actually detach and avoid due to fear of anything they do pushing the person even further away or because they feel like they are the cause of the dynamic and really just feel broken
@salemhighschoolvolleyball957 You have described me and my boyfriend’s dynamic exactly. It started with him love-bombing me, and now after 8 months together, it has descended to the point where he avoids all intimacy, verbally, emotionally and physically. I now have started withdrawing, so as not to “chase” him further away. I see our relationship as slowly fizzling out and dying. I’m 69, he’s 71. We’re both divorced. I was married for 30 years, but he has had many, many girlfriends, both before and after his 17 year marriage, which ended after 10 years of him refusing sex with his wife. (He stayed so long because he didn’t want to leave his kids. He’s a very loving dad.)
I believe all of his love affairs have ended this way, with a descent into sexlessness. He sees himself as a sexual stud. He describes himself as a man who is “controlled by his c*ck”. But in reality it seems that his many romances are the result of his fear of true intimacy, and that the initial thrill, the “honeymoon” period, is all he can handle. And he must then seek a new thrill partner.
Of course it’s rooted in his childhood. Cold, critical parents, dad was a corporate exec, and the family moved every 2 years to a different country. He and his sister were always the new kids. The family would move in the middle of the school year. He learned that it was pointless to try and make close friendships. He’s very good looking, so wherever he moved to, he could always get validation from girls. It’s a pattern that continued into adulthood.
I’m very sad for him. He’s a good person. He’s not mean. He just keeps breaking his own heart. He wants love and closeness. He’s just afraid, of rejection probably.
This happened in my last relationship. I’d never heard of attachment styles until she told me that she was avoidant. I researched and discovered that I lean anxious. When she pulled back and needed space I provided that, but it was never enough and after suffering through many pullbacks, fault finding critiques, and periods of sparse communication with all the other bull shot and narcissistic tendencies avoidants bring with them in their big bag of fduckery I’ve learned the cheat code that gives them what they need while alleviating my anxiety. I avoid them. They can have all the space they need.
Btw, anxious is a turnoff for me, too, so I avoid them also. The only type worth pursuing a relationship with is secure. Everyone else is a no, or a smash and dash.
An avoidant doesn't do love bombing. A narcissist does.
Same difference…..
@@_Cristina_they still pursue genuinely. That makes anxious feel “he is genuine and it may work”. It is different than narcissist. It feels normal and genuine, which for avoidant is also true. But they pull away
I have an anxious attachment and my BF is avoidant. I’ve been searching because I don’t think my BF is a monster. I understand we both have issues. This has been by far the best video on these two attachment styles. Keep up the good work and keep those videos coming.😊
You don't wanna be married to avoidant and with kids. Believe me. There's never enough self-sufficiency, you end up so soulmurderous lonely.
@@4AmazingMusicthat’s my bf right there. Ugh
Meditation for the anxiety that drives the anxious behaviors is very beneficial ❤ It helps to figure yourself out too. 😊
Can you talk about what kinda meditation you do?
Criticizing and flaw-seeking is a no-no with a person who already has a low self-esteem.
Flaw finding occurs I believe when the avoidant starts to feel close and vulnerable. So it pushes the other person away
And yet we are told that one is not worse than the other
The rules are different when your dealing with a narcissist
@MagoosBoob sad but true. Being aware of the behavior I try to lead my family and SO to healthier beliefs, perspectives, and choices but its become exhausting all the work and minimal result. Feels like constantly hitting a brick wall.
@MagoosBoob we have a house together and it's in her name (she had the good credit) so I feel trapped plus I do love her. I practice boundaries and assertiveness regularly the problem getting others to follow suit. Their so dug into their egos. I dream for better days but feels like I'm losing this battle. Sorry to vent to you, this is my burden.
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
Wow, that’s incredible! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he’s an amazing spiritual counselor who specializes in helping people reconnect with their ex.
Thank you for sharing this valuable info! I just looked him up, and he seems impressive.
Both people have to want to work on the relationship.
As a female anxious person , who is grieving the loss of a relationship with an avoidant male, I found this very interesting and full of important knowledge I wish I ‘d had or been aware of earlier. I really saw myself as well as other person and what I need to DO and NOT DO going forward. I really care about this person and understand what led to his being Avoidant. Thank you!😊
the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs,
and they certainly don't want you meeting them...
because then that would mean that they're relying on you,
and that's one of their worst fears!
F*** that don't need lunatics with childhood issues not sorted. Need a real man
Give the writer of that his credit
Secure attachment can be based upon how secure the other makes you feel. No matter how securely attached you are can be damaged by the other and the ways or actions
So being secure enough to leave if it’s not safe for you mentally or physically
I wish I found this video some months ago. My partner kept on expressing the need for space and time to heal and grow without being tied to anyone or anything, and it felt like abandonment. We would still speak like everything was normal, and so it caused confusion. It's only now that we're broken up I'm starting to realize maybe what she needed at the time was more space and time for herself without feeling responsible for me all the time. I don't know what the future holds for us since we're broken up now, but I will focus on trying to heal myself and become a better person. Thanks for the video.
Dude we are like twins...I'm going through the exact same thing I DIDN'T LISTEN TO HER that's because I was under a infatuation spell...so she started to pushing me away to the point where I did some work at her house and she disrespected my hard work (FYI: I'm a professional all around tradesman).. So I said fu$k it I'M DONE!!!! And I left... that was 5 days ago....Now I know she needs help and so do I, I'm going to give it 10 more days before I reach out... but when I do, I need advice on what to say or how to say that we both need help first and is she willing to put in the work.... thank you for your comment I hope to hear from you sam from south philly😁
Howd it go?@@toxicbear4792
@@toxicbear4792 At least you still have the ability to remain in contact with her. I’d say just take it as easy as you possibly can. Treat her like a friend.
Same boat here. Good luck to you both ❤
Bro, you're spot on. This was somewhat difficult for me to hear. yet i pushed on a watched twice. Cheers mate.
Outstanding. Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in!
I spent countless hours over the past few months researching anxious-avoidant dynamic. This episode by FAR the most profound and in depth explanation of tendencies partners exhibit in the relationship. Being recovering anxious I felt naked listening - you were talking about me to the T and my avoidant. Thank you!!!! There is a Iight at the end of this tunnel and we almost can see it!
💯💯💯
You are describing me & my SP to a "T"! He's avoidant & I'm anxious! We both do to each other everything you are describing! We've been going at our relationship for 2 yrs now. The minute we get real close he pulls away & runs! Then I text the crap outta him & I do tend to bring up private things he's told me about his past & throw in his face! Not good...I know! I just get so frustrated! He completely shuts down! He says he's never been with someone so needy. I've never been with someone who runs! I know we love & care about one another & I'm hoping we can continue to just work on ourselves. We each recognize what we're doing wrong. This video is sooo good! Ty
I feel you. I’m the man (anxious ) and she’s the woman (avoidant).
I’ve been watching so many videos and it’s been helping. I’m really starting to the root of it all which stems from myself. I’m really doing my best to look out for myself and gain confidence within. You came into world alone and you’ll leave alone too.
YOU NEED JESUS!!!! HE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!
@@vladsciencedrumssame
As a man who’s worked through a huge amount anxious attachment patterns. There’s a bunch of disregulated and low self worth male behaviours that you’ve lumped into avoidant identification which are present in both attachment styles. Hypo/hyper aesthetic judgement etc. This could be confusing for people. Also the underlying thing both partners/attachment styles want is simply a sense of safety. The reason we’re attracted to the other is not because we necessarily value their qualities, but because they have the capability to trigger us into deeper healing and a greater connection to self. This is the subconscious wisdom which attachment styles offer us and is a gift if we choose to view it as such. The qualities we actually want are usually exhibited by securely attached individuals and yet we’re not drawn to those individuals because they can’t give us what we truly want which is a greater unfolding of self, to the deepest realization that we already are love, and so anything that we project onto another is an illusion until we remember that within ourselves.
why in your opinion or based on your research can secure attached styles not offer the insecurely attached the opportunity of unfolding of self into the realization that we are already all love? seems counter intuitive as it seems the securely attached would be able to offer that better
does the really insecurely attached really trigger us into deeper healing and connection?
@rayawake secure attached people can help insecure attached people. The problem is that anxious and avoidant have massive chemistry with each other. That chemistry they feel is their inner self looking to heal.
I disagree. The only time i'm anxious is when i'm with an avoidant because they're rude, selfish & seem to have zero empathy. That would drive anyone away. Someone with a secure attachment would be wonderful.
@@rayawakeningit can if both successfully repair and grow together
My partner sent me this video and it gave me a lot of perspective and make sense of our choices in the past. I’m the anxious partner and videos that I’ve seen always talk about what an anxious person needs to do and feeling like I’m the only one who needs to put in the work. Or feeling like I’m broken. The thing I loved about this video is how descriptive you are, adding examples, and options of solution for both attachment styles. I really appreciate the video and look forward to seeing more from you.
Dude. You gave us more in this segment than years of therapy ever did. Starting marriage counseling was the worst mistake of our married life. I wish 20 years ago, id known all this because I am all menatlly fd up now. Thanks for your insight.
Couldn't have come at a better time. I am going through this exact dynamic 4 months into my relationship. Hopefully constructive conversations and empathy/listening will help us both! Thank you!
how is it going? I’m in the same situation and am looking for hope lol
This is gold! Thank you.
My fearful avoidant girlfriend and I are currently getting back together and I recognize the anxious that I am. Luckily I’m self aware enough to check myself and do the work on myself, and so far she is open to doing her own work. It’s definitely interesting cause she will pull away but at the same time if I say things a certain way, she becomes terrified that I’ll leave her. I think if we can get through this we’ll have something incredible, and if not then it will be a great learning experience. It’s a gain either way.
Same situation here gf is very distant
Congratulations I'm in the situation... can I get your advice on what you said to her ? About both of you getting help and working on each other... I've been trying to think of a way to offer the opportunity to get help lmk ty
This is a great attitude to have.
Thanks for sharing, I am an avoidant female with anxious male and this is helpful. I have seen a lot of female perspectives and nice to hear from a male. If an avoidant is ready to do the work they will. It’s taken me a long time, but finally ready.
Same with my husband and I. But 2mo I found out he had an affair. Since then it's like our roles have switched. He's the avoidant and I'm the anxious one. It's awful
@@acerpalmatum6446 hang in there, sorry to hear that
In a distancing period now, waiting on an answer from my avoidant woman whether she wants to pursue a relationship or not. I'm dying 😢
I'm so afraid that she's already over us or has forgotten me completely or is just delaying the breakup to try and make it easier
@@acerpalmatum6446 hang in there, hope it’s a little better.
8:15 Was a revelation for me. My partner and I were both insecure. Right about the time I was ready to start trusting her she told me she had been talking to her ex. It sent me deep into my insecurities. I should have ended it then because from that point on subconsciously I was no longer willing to be vulnerable. The relationship ended with me breaking up with her and she assaulted me. I still want to know what ways I was responsible but it makes sense that no relationship built on validating insecurity is going to work.
This helps me understand my previous relationschip so much, we just broke up 3 days ago and i always thought it was just me, but seems like we both pulled up the best and worse feelings in eachother. I just wish i had this information earlier so i could have controlled my anxiousness and not have pushed her away that much. Thanks you for sharing ur wisdom!
You deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. You don't have to neglect that need in order to accommodate an avoidant partner. Please remember that. And I wish you all the best for going through this hard time.
Interesting point of view as an anxious person married 36 years to an Avoidant man hadn’t thought of it like this.
Both attachment styles are insecure and both take their toll on another person. Thank you for these insights--so helpful to accomodate and understand each other for healing and better communication.
Your content and your neutral way of speaking about these things is really helpful in deepening my understanding of myself and of others ✨
What's the point of a relationship if there is no intimacy, closeness and connection? What do avoidants seek in a relationship then? I've only manifested anxious attachment in one relationship with an avoidant. In other more secure relationships I have had no problem with space and independence in the relationship.
I think that avoidants want those things, but struggle and become insecure/ overwhelmed when they become a reality
They seek the physical comforts of life - sex, food, house, someone to show up to bbqs or family events with who doesn’t rock the boat. Very simple really. What they don’t want is any form of emotional, moral, political, or philosophical complexity or discussion about anything. They do NOT like rocking the boat. They think in binary shades of black or white, right & wrong cannot cope with complexity, ambiguity, nuance, uncertainty or shades of grey. If you are hoping for that person who would have said no to the German Third Reich - this is not your guy. I’m sorry to say these people are among the conformists. They may not like a direction society is going in but they are damn well not going to speak up or do anything about it. Every man for himself as far as they are concerned. But - if you need the lawn mowed, the hedges trimmed and the bills paid (including the bill for their secret porn account) - this is your guy!
Same! When I first learned of attachment theory in relationships I instantly thought I was anxious. But having done more research and then a few of the quizzes online it kept saying I was secure and I resonated a lot more with the description of a secure person. I didn’t have a traumatic or negative childhood, obviously it wasn’t perfect but I couldn’t relate to the descriptions of a typical anxious individual. However, in my current marriage with a very textbook Avoidant Dismissive man, I find myself leaning so much to the anxious side of things. It’s extremely eye opening but I feel so sad realizing that he’s bringing out quite literally, the worst in me 😢 we have a toddler son together too, and I’m a SAHM. It’s so difficult because I feel stuck. And he isn’t open to couples therapy, individual therapy, or even having basic conversations about these matters. So it’s like being in a dead end marriage. It’s crazy how if you spend enough time with one, an Avoidant can make even the most stable and secure person turn Anxious.
@@laurawilliams6777 hope your situation gets better and you find the love and connection you need!
It's transactional for them. They have never felt love so they don't know what they're missing out on and it feels normal to be in a loveless marriage. They only have dopamine no oxytocin..
Very well put sir. Dont give up out there peeps, avoidants are great when they get what they need, same as anxious.
Dealing with this right now,my AP says he still feels for me but that feeling isn't enough to give up his independence and rather stay alone forever,he says sorry and got emotional.I told him we can fix it but he said no,he cannot see himself giving up his freedom.He is ready to grow old alone and says he is tired of this life.
Sounds like he's depressed and scared to pull you into it.
Listen to what they are telling you. It's the truth. It's not them asking you to change them. It might take them another 10 years to open up to a committed relationship
It's okay to let go too trust me things di still happen for a reason and if he makes that decision respect it and do what's best for you. Bcs at the end of the day we all deserve better period.
I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere appreciation for the incredible content you create on your channel. Your videos on the dynamics between anxious and avoidant partners resonate deeply with me and have provided clarity on a topic that often feels overwhelming.
Your ability to articulate the complexities of these relationship styles has helped me and many others understand our experiences better.
Thank you once again for the work you do. It truly makes a difference!
well constructed video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Scam
Great video-definitely the best I've encountered on this topic. In my opinion, anxious individuals often seek answers or solutions, which can be incredibly frustrating because you want your avoidant partner to engage. However, it can also be liberating; when they don’t respond, it highlights that you have no control over it, potentially leading to peace and closure.
If you want to test your resolve, a relationship with an avoidant is for you. Here is a prediction: by the time the relationship is over, you will be so traumatized, emotionally drained and depleted. Btw, avoidants and covert narcissist share many many traits.
I totally agree. I'm an mess , wife is an avoidant, no intimacy for 5 years. She's Stonewalling, gaslighting etc ,refuses marriage counseling.
Yes
Also the anxious is willing to do the work. But the avoidant is not. Very frustrating 😢
Yeah, but a person with an anxious attachment style can overwhelm their partner by relying too much on them for validation. They might think that 'working on things' means constantly pressuring the other person to address every issue immediately, feeling that everything must be fixed NOW. They may not understand their partner’s need for space or the ability to process thoughts and emotions in their own way and on their own time. This can be off-putting to someone with a healthy attachment style, and an avoidant partner will usually pull away or run for the hills
@@MacheteKitten yes see, but that can be addressed and recalculated. What can't be done, is try and come to terms with a partner that isn't there in the first place.
An anxious can learn to give someone space. If anything they'd be happy to get some feedback at all!
But the avoidant gives nothing. You can't work with nothing and expect everything to just be OK.
@@wizdum4957 Yes, though my question is: is the 'anxious' person giving space because they genuinely understand their partner's need for it, or are they trying to 'play it cool' out of their fear of rejection or a need to "keep the peace"?
I don't believe attachment styles are set in stone, and with work, self-awareness, and effort, people can find their way to healthier bonds. However, when two people like this are in the midst of their unhealthy attachment styles, they are definitely very incompatible. It's interesting because an avoidant and an anxious person are pretty much polar opposites, yet they often find themselves attracted to each other in a push-pull dynamic, or the 'anxious-avoidant trap.' Ironically, it's these unhealthy attachment styles that are drawing them to one another. But you can only work on yourself.
Maybe the avoidant isn't really in love..
This pretty much describes my relationship. Really sucks that we had to go through many many years without knowing any of this stuff
Listen to this man.
He is %100 on the spot. My partner and I have enacted this to a T several times. I protest, she shuts down with stonewalling. Neither allows the other to leave. We are a case study.
If an avoidant can’t work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.
Correct, he's lazy and doesn't want to do the work, everything is seems hard for him. Never again
@@LorenaBerrenbaum the irony is, the more you pressure him to do the work since hes an avoidant he is way less likely to do it. my favorite saying ive found so far is "give them the space to change" or 'you cant change someone, but you can effect change in them by your behavior. its mind blowing how much the way we are interacting or being around someone effects them. hence why your S.O. will appear to be a different person outside of your relationship in some cases.
If an anxious can't work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766there's a difference between cant and not aware enough to.
@@skaziblu I feel like that works for either attachment style.
This is so good. Anxious person here. I understand exactly what to work on and how. Thank you so much!
This is one of the most informative helpful videos I have found on attachment styles …. Thank you
that was really good...and my situation to a tee... I hope it is not past the point of no return - I have listened to this several times already...it is so spot on.
THIS video is a treasure for me!
I'm on the anxious side, and I have been in a situationship with my partner who is an avoidant person for the last 4months.
What you said in this video is valid.
I've been practicing to focus more on myself and I feel the positive thing because I learn to love myself after 13years of toxic relationship/trauma bond with my ex.
At first I became so frustrated with my partner because he seems so distant. But then I keep reminding myself that I love how he loves his job and why don't I do the same by loving what I love too?
Being with him is hard at first because I struggle with my anxieties but I took the positive thing so I focus on my self worth.
Of course, there is still a long way to go to make this relationship work, but at least I know now I'm on the right path.
sorry for the long comment, thank you so much for your video!
Thank you for the confirmation I needed❤
This is very helpful I'm in the exact same situation I don't know what to do
As an anxious girlie I've decided to avoid avoidant men like the plague. Avoidant guys pursue me and it always ends with me unsatisfied emotionally.
How do you spot them? It’s hard for me to spot them until I’m already 3-4 months in a relationship with them. But by then I’m invested and it’s hard to leave.
I have been looking for that one amazing video about the dynamics between avoidant & anxious attachment styles. This is the one!! Thank you so much for this video!! Liked, subscribed & looking forward to watching other videos. 😃
I just realized by what you said about the anxious attachment is what I previously presumed as a narcissistic spouse. Turns out, although there are narcissistic tendencies, it’s actually the symptoms of anxious attachment rearing its head. So interesting!!! Super helpful, thank you!
It was Jerry. He always found something wrong with every woman he dated. George was the opposite. He wanted to be liked and loved by everyone. He once was so hated, he fell in love with that person and wanted them to change and want him.
Thank you for all of this excellent advice and support. I have anxious attachment style and my girlfriend has avoidant. We are in this push-pull phase and it’s not fun, but so far we are riding the waves (while still loving each other) and getting through the storm. All this information helps even more. Thank you! :)
Curious how things turned out for you. I'm in a break period after some intensely hot/cold 2 months. Dying, hoping my fearful avoidant woman doesn't forget me while she's taking time to make up her mind about my anxious self 😢
What an excellent and balanced take and I appreciated the actionable self-interventions, and the focus on self accountability. If you want change in your relationship, it has to come from you.
Both Anxious and Avoidant people need to work on themselves
Anxious people need to be more accountable
Understand that your anxiety triggers the avoidant person, because its a little too much for them, in which their avoidance in turn triggers you
Its a cycle
I see so many anxious people yapping in the comments and vilifying avoidants
Both need to take accountability
Its an equal fight
Because it's hard to comprehend that someone says they love you but turns around and avoid you especially if you live together ofc it will Trigger you it is so contradicting.
I've been in this dynamic in my marriage for 28 years. We've been separated twice for a total of about 5 of those years. I see us in what you're sharing. I've been a co-dependent person, though and he convinced me that I was the problem in our relationship and that it was my fault he couldn't love me the way I wanted to be loved. I believed it for a few years and worked on myself ... Which led to my being able to begin to discern what was mine and what was his. I've spent the better part of 25 years in introspection and counseling//healing. What you describe as anxious AND avoidant describes his behavior on both counts. He's anxious AND avoidant. He's had so much chaos internally that he reaches out in his environment to control and manipulate everyone and everything else. He also enmeshes with the people who have any relationship to him and he sees them as an extension of him therefore, it affects his image which causes him to want control over them. Soon after we separated, I decided to let my hair grow long and to stop coloring it because of the chemicals. I now have long, prominent streaks of gray. We've been separated for 4 years and decided this is the year we are going to conclude this relationship one way or the other...so he's been trying to put in his due diligence so he can't be blamed for the divorce. But he just asked me last week if I would ever consider coloring my hair again. I chuckled and said no. I like it the way it is. He smiled and proceeded to suggest a natural hair coloring that doesn't have harmful chemicals. I just smiled and said no, but thank you anyway. He proceeded to try to push the product... In my mind I'm thinking, really? We talk about the possibilities of getting back together and this is your talking point? Just one of many interesting conversations. The truth is, the feelings I have for him are relegated to caring about him. I have compassion for that lost, scared little boy who has been so neglected & abused...but I've pretty much decided my role here is completed. I've been the mom far too long. I'm not sure he can allow me out of that role...and I'm pretty tired. I've provided a safe place for him to do a lot of growing and I'm ready to move forward to receive true, authentic love which I was not able to receive before because have had a lot of healing to do from my own narcissistic parental dance from childhood. And maybe he will find someone who he can learn further about safety in vulnerability. I've often said to him that he doesn't need me or anyone else, and I want to feel that kind of emotional connection. It helps to validate my existence in the relationship. I have my issues and needs, too. I adore making deep emotionally intimate connection now and then. I think it helps to create loyalty and trust. He's terrified of it. He uses my vulnerability later to hit me over the head with it. As a result, I don't trust him anymore and I'm not super interested in working on that. I guess I'm done.
Truth.
Not supposed to be a fight... supposed to be a loving partnership with mutual care for each other!
its the other way around, this can happen with a less avoidant or secure person too, the avoidants behaviors are the primary problem... do you think not talking for weeks with no heads up is okay?
22:32 mine literally said "we should fight. i've usually fought with a girlfriend by now, why haven't we fought yet?" after the hotel clerk called us Mr & Mrs and we did the "hard launch" on social media. And for this anxious lady, that began the overthinking for me.
Thanks for this video! Know I'm not a man but I'm watching "Man Talks", but this was incredibly helpful. The hypercriticism from my ex and his refusal to communicate when he needed space unfortunately caused us to break up, but this video really breaks down what really happened in the relationship.
This was one of the best descriptions of my relationship. I wish I had come across it sooner. I am definitely aware and am going to spend time on me. My partner and I are apart but I feel it's not over. I will be better prepared.
Two people say they want a relationship. Anxious try to make a WE. Avoidants want the reflected glow of connection without being in the WE.
And that's what's bothers me about all of this. How can you claim to be in a relationship if you're not a WE? How are two individuals who simply share space a couple?
Anxious people don't want a WE, they want a ME with the other person revovling around their anxieties. If the anxious person can't emotionally regulate and respect boundaries, that's definitely not a WE.
@@WisdomHouseCreative Disagree, both parties have to be self aware and not play the victim/blame game. That will cause division in and of itself.
@@WisdomHouseCreativesomeone got fucking personally hurt and is being an idiot on the internet
@@WisdomHouseCreative💯
I am so happy and grateful to your knowledge and sharing it to us.
I just met a guy and I’m ecstatic if I can that to meet him. I’ve never met a man like him before. But I strongly believe and I’m quite positive he’s an avoidant person and I’m an anxious person. I’m 70 years old been through so much in life and I want this guy to be my last life partner.
So thank you so much.
Am so so so happy, and glad I found this. This is exactly what am going through and I understand it.
This one video has been worth more than ten sessions of therapy with my supposed therapist.
He disagnosed me as depressive/anxious and tried to treat my mind physically - thinky my amygyla are enlarged. That's probably true.
What he needed was to dig deeper into who I am, my past, and where I am now and what shapes the most negative of my emotions today.
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Going through the same right now man. Sincerely sorry
I can literally see my relationship unfold. The most practical video, succient and to the point. Best video by far, after going through hundred. Other videos use lot of high vocabulary which just throws us off.
You made me cry.
I cannot even comprehend why I would want to be reliant on someone else. I don’t see how that helps.
And what would make me feel safe in a relationship? Nothing. Anyone can let me down at any time. It’s just true. And it feels safer to live with that knowledge than to be burned over and over again.
You say these things like it natural and normal. But I can’t see why I would want to change.
It's not so much about wanting to change, but about creating a common ground for communication where our connection with ourselves can be expressed in a healthy way. Resistance to change can also create a sense of imprisonment within ourselves to some extent. The reason I say imprisonment is that, in life, our sense of self is formed based on whether or not the various emotions we've experienced have been met. And as social beings, humans constantly check themselves through the eyes of others. It's almost as if our emotional regulation or dysregulation with our partner serves as proof of whether we have internal emotional regulation.
You’re guaranteeing the outcome that you’re fearing by making it happen from your end every time though..
@@gusp7632 how?
Just because I feel like I can’t depend on my bf doesn’t mean he’s not dependable and can’t continuously show me I can depend on him.
@@gusp7632 stop the cycle by stopping the dating/relationship thing.
It is not worth it.
Everything takes TWO & Both self reflecting .... COMMUNICATION IS CRUCIAL!!!
Every person in this crazy world has their shit!.....It all comes down to .......BOTH wanting, accepting, compromising, respecting & COMMUNICATING!!
Thankyou great video 🙏
You won't get communication out of an avoidant, they don't do emotional intimacy.
Also, you can't fix them, unless by some miracle they decide to fix themselves.
I am disappointed that the qualifiers around anxious is more judgemental when describing punishing behaviors of avoidants. What about the simple interpretation that anxious have some awareness that they realize they have tried to reconnect so much, and feel spent and ignored, that they just see they fueling their own cycle when nobody in front is talking, so they just withdraw to fill their own well since the other person is not showing up to the bid for connection. If anxious has to respect need for space of avoidants, that's the reciprocal?
Exactly
I think the way the anxious type is portrayed in this breakdown seems slightly more judgemental because the man in the video comes from an avoidant type background. He’s good, but I can clearllllly see a bias in his breakdown.
Well the dude said he’s an avoidant. Makes sense
I love what you said about not mirroring the dismissive’s avoidant behavior. As Coach Court says, it’s best to be our authentic selves, which means continue to be loving and express that to them. It helps us both, and prevents the dismissive person’s partner from becoming resentful and cold. If they run from our love, it hurts them more than it hurts us, in the long run. Becoming dismissive like them only makes things worse and damages us as well.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
❤
I hope things are better for you. Focus on you. Learn your attachment style and work to move it from an insecure one if it is indeed insecure, to a secure one. I wish you the best my friend.
Danke!
Thank you for your support!
Avoidant communicate consistently and do what you say you’re going to do. Be a person of your word.
❤❤❤❤❤❤Thanks!
Thanks for the support!
He prioritizes his couple of close friends over anything and everything in this world. It's been over a year that we have been dating and he sacrifices seeing me for weeks and weeks but grabs all the opportunities to see his 2 close buddies on Saturday nights as a fixed routine.
In my case there isn’t avoidance for weeks but he did let me know that his daughters would always come first above all else. I consider myself dating a married man- to his daughters. The relationship works because I only give as much as I get. We are superficial companions. I have had fireworks and head over heels love. He passed away. I just want a companion at this stage of my life. Another man would have asked for some type of commitment by now.
As an avoidant, I will literally avoid everyone except my mum and best friend.
The reason why is that friends or parents don't come with a list of demands that I cannot keep up with. I feel safe around my friends, whereas I get very very overwhelmed around partners even if it's quite casual.
Avoidant's retreat into their safe space, pestering them, blaming them, getting angry at them just makes them need to hide more. Why would they want to be around someone who is never happy with them? Who demands a level of expectations that they cannot adhere to? It's suffocating.
My friends don't demand anything from me, nor does my mum.
From my experience on the anxious side, 3 Steps: Don’t chase, walk away, replace with secure attachment.
21:26 Unfortunately a DA man who is having affairs and lying about it and refuses full transparency makes an anxious person NEED to get creative chess the phone in order to discover the truth. And the truth is: he was having affairs and in dangerous situations that could have harmed the wife. The wife has every right to know and protect herself physically and financially against these betrayals.
Thanks!
Thank you so much! Appreciate the support.
We broke up.. I'm an avoidant.. she's an anxious.. she broke up with me.. i really tried to work things out but she didn't..😢 been on NC for 1week+ now.. hope she comes back we'll fix together.. i used to be an anxious person, until one relationship where i got ghosted it hit me so hard that i became avoidant where i find to love myself more and be independent.. but now it's ruining my relationship with this anxious ex..
I so appreciate this wisdom and perspective coming from a man. As a man, it seems rare to find much wisdom coming from other men. Rare and valuable - thank you for what you are doing.
The simplest way to break free from the anxious-avoidant dynamic is to gather your strength and end the relationship. Deep down, you know it's unhealthy and draining, but you're holding on because of the fond memories from the infatuation phase. You might hope to fix the avoidant or make compromises to bring back that early version of them. However, this won’t happen. Avoidants tend to hold grudges, and by the time they shut down, they misinterpret your efforts as controlling and needy. It’s a lose-lose situation for you.
This video is AMAZING! I’ve watched so many on this topic and I was taking notes like crazy. Thank you for the anxious examples and suggested fixes!
The answer is….LEAVE AND DON’T LOOK BACK. Not worth the pain and it does not change. Live a genuine life.
By far, this is like the only video I needed to hear. This so true of me and my relationships
As an avoidant female, one of the things that always balances out my relationship with my anxious male partner is that he has a very full life and is a social butterfly people pleaser that gets his needs met from his many other relationships. He’s a lot, way too much for anyone person, and definitely too much for me alone; however I do not have to be his emotional support because he has such a full life and I spend a lot of time alone.
The issue is that if he does need that emotional support from me, or if I am starting to crack and can’t provide that stability and navigate responsibilities for him then the attachment starts to break down.
If he ever does leave completely or for too long I do chase, but otherwise I stay very aloof and just enjoy his occasional check in. We’ve been together for a very long time but still don’t have a deep connection due to my fear of emotional intimacy.
You're attracted to him (even tho hes anxiously attached) bc you see in him what you're lacking within yourself
So you don't want to give him emotional support? Why do you think he is going out and finding it on others? Wait for it.
@@Vera-sc3udYes, that’s literally what I was saying. There’s nothing to “wait for.” We are both well aware of our dysfunction. But since he is also anxious, there is no way I could satisfy his emotional needs on my own even if I wasn’t avoidant, that’s why I was sharing this I for others. He didn’t learn how to self-sooth, and needs confirmation from 5+ people that he’s still worthwhile, and yes I’m triggering for him as his neediness causes me to “give him space” as default, which is not what he wants, but we are both aware and working on it. He’s also attracted to me for the same reason, which a lot of anxious people tend to overlook. If I’m ever actually vulnerable and needy myself, he doesn’t know what to do and gets triggered. Anxious attachment wanting attention, but doesn’t necessarily want to give it either… which reinforces the circle now doesn’t it.
Anyways, both choosing to work on it is much better than both being in the dark.
@@Steve.x.Williamsand he in I
Wow! This was so fantastic! I’ve watched, read and listened to so much on this and this by far was the most helpful. I appreciate how you took it off the drama triangle and gave both the anxious and the avoidant support. I really enjoyed hearing what the each needs to work on and how they can understand the opposite. Thank you for your work and share!
this was incredible. will share
This has been soo eye opening and sounds very close like my relationship that just ended with her leaving. Definitely going to be working on myself to be a better more secure person so that my next relationship is better or if she is willing to work together after giving her some space, on this a new version of us.
Thank you so much!
He was never willing to do the work. Putting a woman in the uncomfortable and unnatural position of the pursuer confused me and was a complete turnoff for me. Never did his words match his actions. The neglect from him became unbearable. As much as i wanted and needed his love, it just felt like constant rejection and hurting to my soul. He let my love for him literally die on the vine due to his neglect. Very painful for me. Never would he invest in me yet i was expected to invest in him which i did on every single level but always without reciprocation. Way too many hurtful damaging headgames. Eventually, i discovered him cheating and that ended that. He was and is a complete covert narcissist. Healing my heart and mind from his psychological abuse and needing to protect myself was essential to my getting a healthy distance away from him and gaining clarity. Now, he has returned to hoover me. Never again.
This is the best video I have seen on this from a mans perspective. We need more of this thank you 🙏
I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style due to CPTSD. It is not easy by any means and in spite of seeing thousands of comments generalizing and bashing DAs, I am here. I have watched thousands of hours of Videos and have found a Therapy that actually works.
My suggestion is that if your DA is not doing the work. Set a boundary and walk away, if they are then please show patience and compassion.
Some of us are trying and can easily get discouraged when we do finally work up the nerve to seek help and come here only to be crapped on.
I see several people claiming they were secure before they met their DA. Well have you actually watched any of the videos on how a Secure person would handle a situation. They set boundaries and leave a situation before they even get to the point where a DA “ruins” their lives.
As I said some of us are here and we are trying.
It’s like you made this video for me. Excellent content. I was on the right path and now know Im on the right path. Thank you.
Avoidants in my experience are the hardest to heal their attachment style. They avoid change at a deep level that deals with early truama.
Often coupled with avoidance is depression, they get the double whamy.
Once they are gone they are gone... unless by some devine power they return.
If their will can align with God's will then you stand a chance.
Very difficult to budge Avoidants.
I clicked on another video but this came on, but since I was here I watched and I'm glad I'm secure attachment style...x
This makes me want to stay single, for sure! 😂
I don't know why or how this video came across my feed. My girlfriend just told me she wants a break. And I like wasn't shocked but slightly surprised. Anyways, I realize that this whole scenario you played out is me/us. I am avoidant. I'm like literally in tears. Everything you said felt like you were talking about me, my behavior, and tendencies directly at me. Thank you. I have some serious work to do.
What if im anxiously attached but i have self control, boundaries, and self-worth? Ive communicated with her but still getting avoidant behaviors.
At the end of they day, you can only change yourself. If your partner doesn’t want to put in the work then you can't make her.
Say goodbye. Find a partner who’s wanting & WILLING.
So many helpful comments here. I would just like to say "Thank You" This has been a revelation, and I will be trying to action as many of the helpful hints mentioned.
I think you did an outstanding job in your attempt to clarify the attachment styles. But in my dilemma, I am with a fearful avoidant. I just don’t know how to deal with him. I asked to get counseling and he said no he was going to work on himself. he makes me so insecure, always pulling away and then coming back that I finally gave up
Gaylene… Do yourself an ENORMOUS favor: FIND A PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. I’ve been through it. It’s going to tear you apart and waste away years of your life.