Fixing The Fearful Avoidant Attachment - A Man's Guide
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2024
- Alright team, this is one of the biggest guides yet! There were a TON of requests to cover this one, so I happily obliged. This attachment style is also called "disorganized attachment", and I've worked with a ton of men who have it. So let's dig in on what fearful-avoidant attachment is, how it affects relationships, and how to move back towards something more secure, authentic, and thriving with easy, deliberate steps.
(00:00:00) - Intro and defining fearful-avoidant attachment, and how conflicting it can feel
(00:08:20) - Where this attachment style starts, and what makes it different from anxious and avoidant
(00:13:50) - What does fearful-avoidant look like in a relationship?
(00:16:19) - What builds a fearful-avoidant style? Neglect and/or inconsistency
(00:24:22) - One of the most important (and unspoken) needs of a child
(00:29:19) - Parentification, one of the most common causes of fearful-avoidant attachment
(00:32:35) - Exposure to heightened levels of conflict
(00:38:24) - On being disappointed by others, protection from rejection, and concentration
(00:43:10) - So what do we do? Two BIG steps
(00:46:58) - On how to self-regulate/self-soothe, and starting with the breath
(00:52:02) - Find someone to help you work with your hypervigilance
(00:55:00) - Develop consistent connection with your partner (or with friends). Here’s how
(00:58:56) - Build trust. Slowly. Over time
(01:01:53) - Set boundaries with the fear-based thoughts in your head
***
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I cried so hard watching this. For ten years I’ve been looking for what’s broken in me, what’s jamming the mechanism of my mind and preventing me from being happy. But I could only ever focus on symptoms and derivative problems. Now I feel like this might be one of the roots of my suffering. Everything described in this video perfectly encapsulates my experience.
Thank you a lot.
I was triggered as well. I recently came to an understanding of why I've been so sad my entire life. I confirmed with a family friend just yesterday some things I suspected with my early years, and this makes so much sense. Being an FA is like being on an emotional rollercoaster that someone is driving but I can't see the tracks or the driver - I'm just along for the chaotic ride
Me too
Lovr the video. I can confirm from experience, meditation makes all the difference. I started healing from this about 10 years ago, and my life has changed completely for the better since then.
Have to say the Wim Hof breathing didn't work for me, though. I did it consistently for about 5 months and it just added more stress hormones to the soup. I found much more benefit from gentle breathing and using meditation and Neville Goddard style visualization to change my self-concept on a deeper level.
Other things that helped me personally are quitting coffee (big difference!!), almost no alcohol (wasn't a big drinker to start with), pushing myself out of my comfort zone and forgiving my parents for the abuse they inflicted. They only parented to the best of their abilities at the time and holding on to anger is only hurting me, not them.
Thanks for the video!
How do you drown out or ignore the intrusive thoughts while you are meditating? Or am I supremely screwed up and that’s just a thing with me?
@@TheSavrothoughts aren't intrusive, they're just thoughts your mind generates, namely when it's bored since the mind hates boredom.
The goal in meditation is simply to notice that the mind drifted into thinking, acknowledge that it happened (but also that it's absolutely normal for it to do so) and move back to whatever it was that you're focusing on.
A great meditation is not one where thoughts don't arise, but one where you notice quickly that they did and take your the mind back to intentional focus.
Excellent comment.
Great video, thank you!
Saving this for the Neville Gordon recommendation, have found visualizations very powerful
I'm a FA woman and this is the best video I've ever watched... men, women go through the exact same stuff
Please share @@if7363
Can you reference a better video or 2? Thank you so much I'm just trying to get as much info as possible. Have a blessed day.
Paulien Timmer has a ton of videos that I (M) found helpful as well
@@KatchPokemonHeidi Priebe and Crappy Childhood Fairy if you have C-PTSD in the mix.
@@daker1941heidi priebe vids are solid gold.
Refreshing to hear a man talk about this
Yes
So true
What i find ironic is avoidants call the anxious person high maintenance, or too much, when we are usually the ones putting in all of the work and energy to do self improvement and into understanding and managing the other person, walking on egg shells etc.
I’ve been listening to attachment videos on UA-cam for a while now. You have really hit the nail on the head. Really well done.
Outstanding. Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in. Let me know if theres other topics you'd like to hear me cover
Indeed🎉
Its like someone greets you with 1 hand motioning to come closer while the other hand signals stop.
Man for real I cried so much hearing this for real! I have just been broken up with 3 weeks ago I’ve met that incredible woman that tried to help me going through my traumas. My insecurities and anxiety destroyed the relationship she left totally depleted, the reality is that I have so much work to do in me so much personal growth, that wake up call was necessary for my wellbeing. Thank you for the work it’s truly appreciated.
Don't worry man, you will always have yourself on your side, and that's a lot. Women and friends are legit goals and a nice bonus to have in life, but no matter if you have what needed for conventional relationships or not, or if you succeed to progress towards your goal in this field, you are good and enough as you are right now, don't feel bad about who you are, you survived all the shit that was thrown to you, and you did it wonderfully
Always remember to keep going
🤘🏽🙏🏽
Find your Strength in Love
Hello Sir… you are a GOD SEND!
I’m not a man, but your video showed up on my timeline, as I had been looking up videos on how to heal my attachment style. Everything, I mean everything, you stated in your video was not only spot on, it really articulated my lived experience. When you went in depth about the caregivers, many times I had to take deep breaths because that was so true for me. And to add an extra layer, when you talk about how our caregivers responded, men and women who have immigrant parents who come from war ridden, impoverished countries, or honor and shame centric societies really struggle because our parents are dismissive, stoic, and kind of look down on us, because we didn’t struggle the way they did. Even though they came to the west for better opportunities, they silently resent us for having it “easier”. And because their trauma is significant (and they never acknowledge their trauma most of the time) they are even more critical, lack compassion, hardly validate, and expect you to not voice your emotions or how they made you feel. Often times they are emotionally neglectful because most things they are focused on are logistic, because of how they grew up. I just wanted to add that, because I’ve seen the impact of my own culture effect my brothers, and myself, with the very things you named, but with culture added to it that inadvertently excuses abusive parent behavior, because … that’s the way it is.
Many things you said that men experience is the same for women, (I don’t want to one up so please don’t read it that way)and as much as I hate to say it, race also plays a factor. I only mention it to say that being an FA has similar impacts across the board, where I will be gender discriminate, is that I can acknowledge for men, they are NOT considered emotionally, and when people speak on avoidants they demonize them so much and it’s mostly and undertone towards men. I think about how incredibly difficult this attachment style has really really impacted my life, and know at least in some regard I’ll be slightly heard or empathized with (only to a certain extent, cause this is where race come in, being disregarded even further a black woman) But, for men there is no consideration, and that’s awful, because emotional pain, in my view really is worse than physical pain. I hope more men do find your video and learn more about their own experience, connect the dots, and begin healing, because I think this chasm we are having between men and women is deeply rooted in how we were raised.
I could go on, because I felt so validated in your video, but I have a question for you. One that I have thought about quite a bit. I’m really wondering if there is a connection around the parenting and climate in the world from parents in the 70s- 90s. It seems that millennials, and gen x seemed to be the most impacted emotionally and struggle a lot with our mental health. We also have a lot of harrowing experiences from our upbringing, and although our parents also experienced trauma, society really conditioned them to keep it in, not speak about it and they remain repressed, however the impact of that was the crack epidemic, the recession in the 80s, divorce and latch key generation in the 90s. There were social issues going on that time that ended up permeating in the home, and I’m just wondering why no one had done any research to the parenting attitudes and climates with those of certain ages and correlation to what was happening?
My last thought is being an FA is really hard, and healing is even harder. When I take 1 step to heal, I feel like one trigger takes me 10 steps back. I think for me, is the patterns of abuse and trauma that I experienced in childhood keep replaying in adulthood, which really makes it a challenge to heal when my caregivers still didn’t try to repair or heal their actions towards me, and their demons are now attached to ex partners, friends, or ex bosses that had similar traits. It’s like you’re always waiting for life to get better and it never comes.
Thank you for your work and good luck to all the men who are taking steps to their freedom.
This is not a male female thing. This is a person thing.
true... but as a male, opening up about this to the significant females in our lives seems like for many of us to blow up in our faces (way) more often than not.
Thank you, as a woman it was still very helpful to listen to your video. I have been healing this attachment style on my own and with the help of my husband and it has been tough. The anxious thoughts trigger relationship anxiety/ROCD and when a conflict/disagreement arises in the relationship it is so hard to stay connected because I feel so unsafe. My husband also had unhealthy patterns although he leans on the secure side. After three years of stressful times my husband and I are finally navigating the triggers and conflicts in a healthier and more supportive way. He told me he learned so much about emotional safety and relationship skills since I started doing the work. He didn’t want to hear about it at first so I felt very lonely but more and more he opened up and is now so grateful. I am glad we didn’t give up.
Thank you so much for this. I cried, because I'm living this. You "see" the nail in my head, and you've told me what it looks like, and what to fucking do about it. So thank you. I am the fearful avoidant man in my relationship, and I became so sure of it thanks to the non-judgmental- and unassuming nature of the way you speak ... Combined with the factual and/or experiential nature of the information you provided.
Surprised with how much genuine, solid info is presented - get the sense that you understand it deeply. Child of a raging alcoholic father and shutdown/manic bipolar mother so I relate.
Personally, psychedelics and grief work have helped a lot. Embarrassing fear and feeling self-compassion is something I aim for everyday. As I grow more empathy for myself it extends outwards to the people around me.
Thanks for the video brother.
thanks for sharing! which psychedelics u been using >?
@@mavrosskylos2989 Magic mushrooms
I bet MD or mushrooms
@@s0me0nelse Mushrooms
Greetings from Oz.
Wow.
I've never heard of this attachment style before and you explained it in such an average-joe, graspable way. The Anxious and Avoidant descriptions I'd read about never really seemed to hit the spot, but this one left me with no room to hide. I had to pause the video and go for a walk to get a handle on it. This was not just a description of the problem (the way so many UA-cam "experts" leave you hanging by the end of the video), but you put really practical steps out there. You even mention that the answers are simple, yet can be difficult to implement. Just to have this 'warning' is a helpful signpost of what may happen and it takes a lot of the sting out of it if it does because you've been forewarned that this is comfortably in the range of "normal". You left no surprises, and they're not deal-breakers.
Another great video.
I realize I’m a Woman and this was titled for men but this is one of the most helpful videos I’ve seen on this attachment style , speaking for myself of course but wow, Thank you so much
This one hits home
I am a woman & I thank you for this video best I have heard on the subject & love wim hoff practice .. I agree on everything you have said. I am still exploring my fear avoiding type. Very grateful to hear a man fully supporting growth I have subscribed
I’m a FA women but God 1 hour !! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for , all other videos are like 10 minutes . Thank you
Thank you Connor. It was pretty recently I understood that I can fall into fearful avoidance attachment and these videos and just listening to people speak about it helps me a lot. I see such beauty in my relationships unfold and open up when I’m not living in constant fear. It really is possible for all of us to securely attach. I like to think that a secure attachment is underneath the fearful way of attaching. Thank you man.
Hey man, thanks so much for tuning in and glad to hear the video landed for you. Let me know if theres other topics you want me to cover
So this may be wayyy outside your wheelhouse, but I would love to see a "New Parent" or "Early Child Development" series for new dads, based on what you do with your son and what you know of psych. The part of this video where you talked about your son asking about your emotions was incredibly sweet and illuminating!!
As a female (born a female, never became a man and I plan to continue being female) stuck in her masculine energy this has been helpful for me to understand fear and understand my guy (whom I love whole heartedly). We can’t be together until we understand ourselves and my heart aches to understand and be understood. So thank you for you video 🥹🥰!
I appreciate this is given for the men specifically. The steps toward secure attachment are clear, practical and attainable. I've got some things to start working on!
Wonderful, thanks for tuning in!
Not a gentleman, very much a FA (self diagnosed tho) lady, but I listened up to the end and enjoyed your vid. Self soothing - YES, it's key. And sooo freaking hard to do.
Thank you for addressing men, sometimes it seems like only women care about this stuff, and it gives me hope seeing someone talking to men specifically.❤
And you are right, we women live in A LOT of f.... fear.
Very well articulated. Some of the most pragmatic advice available. Much thanks.
Curing the fearful avoidance symptoms - easier said than done
It's annoying when you understand it origin and mechanisms: but feel as tho you can do nothing to fix it.
Everytime I see some mental health coucher say that he cured it within himself or his clients, I can't help it but be very sceptical. The hard part it believing that it can be cured
Regulating your nervous system and endocrine system. It can be done but it takes a lot of effort... and its ongoing.
Thank you, Connor. Learned about attachment styles recently... After listening to this I'm able to connect the dots. Great work!
You’re so well spoken! I can’t believe this was done in one take
Thank you for making this. You are the first person to ever actually give instructions on how to heal. Thank you.
been learning about this, considering this subject for several years now. This is one of the very best and most helpful presentations on fearful avoidant dynamics. thank you for sharing. thank you for this
I gotta be honest with you… these videos have helped me change completely! The way I view myself, the way I understand myself and the way I am towards my girl. THANK YOU! ❤ Please continue what you’re doing! So grateful to be able to listen to such amazing and live changing content. Ur the man!
Outstanding! Glad to hear the content and work has supported you!
I could always tell when I was getting out of control. Had a feeling of being outside my own body and my fingers would go numb. It was like watching someone else say and do things. Today I have learned the signs and can take deep breaths and go for a walk and separate from conflict. I am 59 years old. It's been years in recovery.
really needed this video, very eye opening. thank you! please more in-depth videos on attachment theory that go beyond the surface!
I'm amazed. You described my friend exactly. Finally, I know what her troubles are, what the fights are about. Everything just clicked together. THANK YOU. 👏
oh wow, you are describing fearful avoidant MEN but you are describing me to a T, (not a man) I thought I was a FA but after this description, I know I am now. Subscribing! Btw some stuff that is helping me a little is breathwork, ice dips (wim hof stuff) all winter long in Canada, journalling, yoga nidra & yoga yin type practices, and the book NO BAD PARTS, and CPTSD book by Pete Walker. Can’t afford a therapist so I am trying to heal myself
I’m also a woman and what he said accurately described my childhood. Every one of the things.
Struggling with letting go of my ex we were both insecurely attached but I see the beauty in her and I know we could be healthy together if she tried, most growth comes from relationship.. She made false promises TO TRY, a lot of future faking and I’m struggling hard with it. I want us to work but I know at this point I’m probably 1 of 20 guys that’s “here for her”. Also aware that’s a story in my head but it brings shame that my heart is still set on her when she hasn’t shown an ounce of care. Torn on what to do. I’m empathetic to her situation with herself.. so I almost feel like shes just running away from the tough feelings being in a relationship brings.. makes me feel like I can save her from that and show her I am the one and these feelings are things we can work through. It’s ridiculous The more I focus on myself the more she pops into my head and it disrupts me. She said she wanted to work on herself she knows I’m the one etc etc but anytime I hear that I just can’t help but think it’s a bs excuse to leave and be with other guys as well.
Some questions to ponder. No need to respond to these.
How do you feel most of the time when you’re in relationship with her?
How do you feel with the thought that you could be one of twenty men in her life?
What keeps you attached to her?
How much do you feel this person empowers your sense of self vs makes you lose yourself?
I’ve been in your situation before and I know how gut-wrenching the feeling it is to love someone within whom you see potential, but they don’t want to do the work. Based on what you described, as much as you love this person, to be with her is not very loving to yourself. It takes two to tango.
i sympathize with you. you're not alone.
I still miss the connection with my ex. it has been since January since we broke up. Time has helped. Acknowledging my loss has helped. even now. "I miss and am going to miss doing with you". or being in a place. or situation. or whatever. has helped let go, a step at a time.
getting out of Dodge, especially to somewhere you have happy history going to, and your ex has nonco nection to, can help.
watching these vids, Heidi Priebe's vids, etc and engaging with and working on your shit, helps. now is probably the best time to do this.
and exercise.
Thank you for making this video. I have cried the whole video listening to you. Every single thing you described wanting to trust people but also cannot trust them is so mee, getting disappointed by people, friends, family. And also about the body reacting to the meditation and breathing exercises. Whenever I would do breathing exercises my body get's heat up so much so that I start sweating and it goes on until I stop the exercise.
Again thank you for this video.
Damn. I started watching this video under the assumption that I was anxiously attached. But you described my childhood to a tee. 🤯
I thought i was the anxious avoidant type. Now leaning more to this 'style' of attachment. Fear based emotions are strong, they can cause major self sabotage.
You explained this very clearly and for that i am greatfull. At 37, not able to hold a long term relationship, is there still hope for recovery?
There is absolutely more than enough room , time and opportunity for recovery.
Notice how your question in itself is a fearbased one. Your brain has that need of certainty and control. It is a dependency on outcomes that you might want to try and overcome.
I say this as a fellow almost 37y/o who started working on this in Jan
I had a traumatic end to my last relationship 8 years ago. She cheated on me. Since then, I didn't want or need a relationship. I have only started looking at my attachment style and I am fearful avoidant. I felt so lonely for the 8 years but I kept convincing myself I didn't need anyone. Still struggling with that.
Same but do stuff you enjoy and you ever wanted to achieve. Try to appreciate the good moments you have and try to listen to your inner self (last one is really hard for me)
Of course you need someone. Your not an Island.
Spot on with this one. This is something I’ve recently learned about myself, and I’ve watched other channels talk about it. But it’s usually women talking to other women. I really appreciate your head-on tackling of the subject.
Men need to do the work with other men. Women are so tired of this. Going around in circles talking to ourselves 🤣
Feels like you know me better than anyone else
my notes: loved this!
Avoidant attachment style
- Want to have control to protect yourself against harm
- Difficult to trust intentions
- Feeling that there is something always wrong
- Difficulty regulating emotions (emotional volatility)
- Negative view of people (don’t like you, can’t get close to me)
- Waiting to let that people let you down
- People pleasing tendencies
- Hyper vigilance (anxious state) difficult to concentrate - high stress
- Loneliness and isolation
- Struggle to self soothe / self regulating
Core of healing: dual nature of being afraid of generating attachment and regulate what you need.
1. Very strict regiment of self soothing (feel safe in myself)
2. Learning how to consistently stay connected and build trust in the relationship (feel safe with you)
Soothe me and stay connected to you (7 to 9 months daily)
Tactical steps:
1. Understand the origins of your origins of fearful attachment
1. Interruptions in my childhood? -> anxiousness and avoidance (parental issues, which ones stood out?)
2. Learn to self regulate self soothe
1. Breathe
1. Breathe and think about Jesus (sense of safety and security in your own body)
2. 4 4 4 4 (morning, lunch, dinner, before conversation)
3. Wim hof
3. Develop consistent connection with partner and write down your patterns of breaking down connection
1. Shift disconnective patterns to connective behaviors and choices
1. Start conflict / not write back / be snappy / …
2. Take 20 breaths together, holding hands (coherence), asking for needs and wants, asking for emotional connection
4. Build trust slowly over time
1. Going through a hard time with someone and be ok on the end builds secure attachment.
1. What are some of the things that I would normally withhold that I am going to bring into the relationship
2. What are some of the hard times I need to go through to create connection (for instance go on dates no phone and be loving)
5. Challenge and set bounderies with the fear based thoughts in your head
1. I am afraid… (a lot of fear) -> maybe reasonable, but pierce it…. confront some of these fears. (Blessing in disguise in order to be boss of fear)…
1. What am I afraid of in this relationship, and what does it look like to confront it.
Thanks the video. I have never heard fearful avoidance attachment but it described who I am and my childhood experiences. I am terrified of closeness and intimacy this is the first time I feel I understand why, Taking action is necessary but it absolutely terrifying. Thanks for the clarity and suggestions for taking steps forward.
Wow! You touched on so many of my issues!! It's good to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and tips.
Thanks so much, this was incredible. Absolutely spoke to the heart and described my experience exactly
Thank you so much for this series! This is hitting the nail on the head for my husband. I sincerely hopes he watches this as I think it's the help he could really really use. Your thoroughness and the way you lay things out is fantastic and all of the 'what this looks like' bits are wicked helpful. Thank you
I have to say you really hit it with the Wim Hof breathing. Been doing it consistently for the last 6 years and it was one of the best if not the number one way to learn to downregulate and self-soothe.
Wow this was so helpful. I’m a woman and I think this was mostly geared towards men but I just realized I’m FA and things are starting to make more sense. I cried a couple times listening to this which I think was positive. Released some stuff. Very insightful. Thanks so much.
Thank you for this one. I didn’t expect to learn from and relate so much to this attachment style. I think this video is really going to help me, and I’m definitely going to use the concepts and techniques you recommended, as well as deeply consider the questions that were posed at the end of the video. Again, thank you Connor.🙏🏻
Dude great video. So informative. Feeling a lot of clarity. I have childhood trauma from severe ashma and needing to have been in hospital often. So I don't relate to having inconsistent parenting but certainly fit the bill for fearful avoidant.
Great episode, hits home. Found out about Mens work from last years Modern Wisdom podcast, now just found this channel and mainlined a tonne of videos all weekend. Changed my life, all of it. Love your book love your work Connor.
you deserve all the views and subs my friend. i will be taking what you said and applying it to the best of my ability. i also shared your video to 3 close friends. thank you for your work.
Outstanding. Thank you
Thanks! This vid resonates for me.
I am going to add your vids to Heidi Priebe's vids.
Thanks Corey, Appreciate you!
As a female, healing FA, this video was exceptional. I learned more things about myself and where it stems from than I have in years of therapy (on and off). The biggest lesson I learned about my attachment style is, I’m only really triggered and activated IN relationships when I start having feelings for someone AND all of my previous partners were APs. I have only been in a situation with one DA and it was an absolute disaster for me but I hung on as long as I could so that I could grow as a person. I had to cut it off for the sake of us both.
Thank you for this content and for creating this messaging specific for men. ❤
I'm gonna keep listening to this episode for many times....thank you
THANK YOU for the concrete suggestions for changing behavior! This is amazing and very helpful.
Learning about FAs so I don’t end up with another one but it helps to understand the origins of things & how it can play out. Your content is excellent- so well explained & explanations are beyond a lot of the information out there. Thank you
Beautifully done, Connor. Thanks a lot for this video, it really hits home.
Thank you so much for this video! I felt myself in it. It was explained in such a clear way. 🙏💞
I've just now been able to reflect and analyze my first love's attachment style vs my own. It's been 27 yrs and I still have love for him and him for me also. He is 100% an avoidant and I am 100% an anxious attachment. 😮 This is very eye opening.
The portion where you talked about the child and parentification... Really resonated with me and each... and every attachment style quiz I have ever taken either identifies me as anxious or secure attachment... But never a fearful avoidant. The reason why I stumbled upon this video was because I feel as though my ex -girlfriend is a fearful avoidant... But it's very interesting to see how i discover information that I have been finding resonates within myself. 😅
Wow. This is so accurate in my experience minus the negative outlook toward others. I am in my process of actively healing.
Thank you so much for the strait forward information. This video reminded me of why I am the way I am. You speak the truth eloquently and understandably.
This is marvellous content. Thank you for your effort and goodwill in the making of this video.
Just wonderful
I found lots of value in this video. Thank you very much for this!
A contributing factor to my high-conflict, volatile and neglectful childhood home was my older brother (by 5 and a half years), who acted as a bully when nobody was around, and then play the victim when caught. This created no end of drama until he went to college. After which I expected my single, alcoholic, frequently depressive, angry, working mother would get better, supported by my sage 12-year old help. I couldn’t have been more wrong as mom completely checked out of being at home at that point. So without enough love to go around, siblings can be rivals instead of close. I expect this has been a common experience.
On the practice with partner advice suggested, I sure hope your partner, if you have one, is a well-adjusted safe person in good-standing with you. Otherwise the outcomes of articulating your wants, in vulnerability, could be…unfortunate.
This video has been incredibly helpful, thank you so much.
Wow!! Greatest video on the FA.
FINALLY. 🎉
This is so helpful! Thank you so much🙏🏻
You're a boss for this conversation. Thanks x 100.
IM loving these attachment episodes
Really great.
I'm definitely fearful avoidant. Thank you so much for sharing this outstanding content.
Thank you so much for this video, it really helped me understand myself.
Thank you. That was very helpful.
I’m really enjoying your channel and the way you explain things I’m definitely an AP but it was quite a wake-up call realising that I also have some of these tendencies
Excellent, I’m a woman w a disorganized attachment style but working on it and self aware
With an avoidant partner who is not
Everything is right on a tee to why I am the way I am thank you for posting!
Thank you
What helps me self regulate is to dive inwards and listen to my feeling of the moment and question it. How does it feel like? It feels like a massive brick in my stomach. And carry on asking, what does this brick feel like? It feels like I am falling. What does falling feels like? It feels like a black hole. What does the black hole feels like? It feels like loneliness. Etc...and you carry on until you come to some understanding of the feeling. This process has helped me to realise quite a few things about my feelings and helped calm myself down - Hope this helps - Teal Swan, explain the process very well x
Excellent video! I will save it so I can have people see it , should they wonder what FA means
This was helpful, although I'm a woman, but I recognise myself. Thank you for the information and all the practical tips. Already tried the breathing technique as I got anxious, and it worked. Saving this for later 🙏🏻
this is pretty spot on! can you share why do FAs insult/devalue partners before ending it all?
I did this too recently, here's my take:
its projection of issues with ourself unto our partner. I was blind to see that the reasons for our problems were my trauma and behaviors as discussed in this video. Instead convinced it was a fault of my partner. The FA brain , in a case of being unable te resolve problems for long enough will escalate the need to get away from the 'source' (partner), even to the point of associating a feeling of disgust with them. Self defense systemgoing overboard.
@@Leispada appreciate the honesty, thank you. luckily for me i have always known what value i bought to the table so it didnt bother me much and i packed up at earliest but my heart goes out to people who's self esteem breaks after being devalued and eventually discarded.
@@hanmanteomkar Yw :)
And yes..., my ex's self-esteem has taken a giant hit and I am gutted by guilt. We still talk, I told her everything Ive learned and vowed to improve myself.
Thank you.
Yes. Found it! 👍🏼
43:02
I think that although what you say is probably true for many, there are also something very soothing in a dark way in knowing that people work in certain specific ways and their behaviors are highly predictable and hard to change...
Also there is a calming effect in knowing that you can survive, quite good, in isolation.
So whenever I feel hurt by people, I relatively quickly can recover from it because I have my private place to go to, my isolated cave, and I'm good there, and I tell myself that their behavior was expected, sooner or later. They are only humans, they couldn't help themselves, they couldn't be greater than their nature.
If any Im very stressed and self blaming myself for letting my guards down and beeing catched by those behaviors suprised, that's something I keep in my mind much after the incident in order to learn a lesson for the future.
Thank you for sharing your educational learning about fearful avoidance trouble and distress the best hour ever again Thank you for sharing. From the land of the liberty bell Philadelphia Pennsylvania United States of America.
Your work is great and wonderful.
When do we know when to give up on loving an FA? When they are unwilling to work on themselves?
If they are unwilling to do the work, it's futile and pointless. You'll be crushed. Best to just move on...
This answer is Abraham Hicks style
Let me know it it helps you
If loving them makes you feel good, and inspires you, then love them. Revel in it. Enjoy it. Milk it.
Daydreaming is an art. Feeling good is your natural state. Gratitude. Loving someone feels the same as being loved, because love flows through you.
If it makes you feel bad, take away your attention. Your thoughts make you feel a certain way, and we can (learn to) choose our thoughts.
Focus on what makes you feel good. What's already working out for you. The things you want more of.
This is all about you, not them.
Focus on what makes you happy. Meditate. Learn to focus on you feeling good.
If you are happy, and someone else is happy too and wants to share that with you, that is great.
If not, that's okay, you will still be happy
We are all here to learn, to expand, to change and to grow. We are creative. We create our own reality.
Don't let anybody else ever be your only source of happiness, or a condition for you to be happy.
You are the source.
❤
If they are committed to loving you then they should do the work, if not, it’s not going to be worth it.
However, don’t make the mistake with the next person. If you want to be with someone, you need to accept them fully for who they are in that moment. You shouldn’t commit to someone if you are thinking you can fix them, it’s rarely going to work.
Discussing these topics from the get go will let you weed out those who are unaware of their problems and unwilling to work on them. You will save yourself in choosing poorly but keep in mind your pool of people becomes much smaller. I heard that 50% of people today have an insecure attachment style and so if you also have one, expecting to find someone who doesn’t and will also accept will be very difficult. If you can be honest with where you are and the work you are willing to do, then finding someone who is also honest with themselves of their problems and willing to work on them seems to be best option and has the highest probability of success imo.
Hope this gives you something to think about. Good luck with everything
Avoidant types are dealing with stress and emotional trauma, so they are more sensetive and gentle, in order to hold a relationship and grow in it they need much of emotional freedom, honesty and loyalty, then they can feel safe and let themselves open up.
If you also have a lot of emotional needs, you are anxious, and it feels impossible to you to sustain a good meaningful emotional freedom, and his avoidant acts will make you only more anxious, stressing, struggling and suffocating, make this relationship stop because that's a recipe for explosion and much hurt.
Being FA is a hell...you want relationships but then you say to yourself "I'm not made for relationships, I'm better off alone" or "I'm not one for relationships, I'm a loner" as soon as something in the relationship triggers you heavily
I know right, it's like a damned switch. Bi polar in an attachment style. Bi polar is obviously worse, but it does my head in.
Thanks!
Thank you!
Wow this is something i have never heard before yet if feels so simmilar almost like im hearing a audiobook of myself
Trust, reliability, fairness, consistency in relationships secures the bond.
I've been working on my FA-ness for a year now. I thought I'd "fixed" my anxious side and now I'm just really avoidant. I suspect it's just a different variation of this because the avoidance is still fear-based. Anyways I really love the focused and practical guidance you've offered here. When is your next book coming out?
This vidéo is worth more than all my sceances of Psy together.
Thank you so much.
beauty, glad to hear it hit home!
I’m curious to hear how you at look at this attachment style in terms of using polyarmory to deal with their anxiety? Or rather using polyarmory as a coping mechanism.
I’ve been thinking about this too…it’s almost like having options helps us to regulate our nervous system. No real expectations.
Surprised to see that this happened to someone else - my ex did not like and felt very uncomfortable with a lot of dynamics of polyamory yet would only be in poly relationships bc it was a coping mechanism for him. He was so dysregulated all the time it was unreal.
Excellent information. I just need my beloved to listen 😔
Yes that's me ✌️
I always tended to go for more avoidant men bc something in me knew they could never love me the way I deserved. And not just avoidant men, but bad men. I know that sounds weird but it’s almost like I’d rather have someone who I knew was going to turn away and distance themselves rather than someone who would try to come to me and make things work. Like I wanted reliability but I didn’t trust that someone could actually be that anyway.
I’ve been working a great deal on these things and have moved closer to secure. However, living 30 years that way definitely left a mark on me, and I’ll probably always be dealing with these underlying emotions to some degree. Growth is surely possible tho yall ❤
My ex is FA. Extremely hard to navigate. How can I work through his fears with him? It sucks being constantly and brutally rejected.
Expect to be brutally rejected on the regular. If that's something you are willing to go through, then by all means. But that doesn't seem like something that would be good for your own mental health, and it's not good to sacrifice yourself for someone else to that extreme.
I just found your channel thank you