A Man's Guide To: Anxious Attachment
Вставка
- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- Talking points: anxiety, parents, relationships, attachment
Thanks to everyone who's written in on these guides, I love hearing from you. Next up? Anxious attachment. What is it, where does it come from, and what you can do to work yourself-and your relationships-away from it. If you've ever found yourself doing stuff like getting anxious because they didn't text you back or because you don't know their phone password, this might be the ep for you.
Curious about other guides? Check out my free PDF, A Man's Guide To Ending Codependency: training.mantalks.com/codepen...
(00:01:01) - The core essence of anxious attachment
(00:05:52) - Some differences between secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment
(00:08:41) - Causes of anxious attachment; number one, inconsistent parental responses
(00:13:26) - Ask yourself: how was my upbringing unpredictable, or where were my parents unpredictable?
(00:15:39) - Cause number two: overly intrusive caretakers
(00:22:17) - Cause number three: emotional dependence encouraged by caregivers
(00:25:50) - Next is parental unavailability or rejection
(00:28:37) - Lastly, abuse, trauma, or PTSD
(00:29:41) - So what do we do?
(00:33:27) - The biggest, most important piece: learn how to self-regulate. Here’s how
(00:40:43) - Solution number two: exposure therapy
(00:43:13) - Solution number three: work on your self-esteem and self-worth
(00:45:19) - Detach your worth from others’ validation
***
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#MensWork #adviceformen #anxiety #attachment #anxiousattachment - Розваги
I’m 60 and just realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I also just realized that it must’ve developed as a child. In listening to your video, I’m sure that it did develop in childhood because I had a very abusive father not sexually. After my long marriage failed I’ve once again started dating. I have sabotaged each one of those relationships. I have just recently met a new man. I do not want to sabotage this or any other relationship that I may have. At least I’m aware of why I do what I do and I’m glad that this new man hasn’t had the opportunity to see the side of me. I really want to stop this behavior and heal.
If you haven't heard today...
You are so very loved
and you are so very worthy
of love.
The hardest part
is learning to love yourself
and to know: it's not all your fault,
and to see: that you're beautiful;
wonderfully perfectly
brilliantly created.
You're stronger than most;
a true leader/warrior in the making.
Keep going
and keep thanking.
Remember Jesus was an outcast
and he suffered more
than any human being
could ever endure...
And the most important message here is to forgive them
and to forgive yourself
and to love all.
Keep walking in truth.
One of the great poems of the Zen tradition
ends with this description of the awakened state:
“To be without suffering over imperfection(s).”
AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER:
I am one with the Divine.
I experience, peace, BLISS, love, and joy:
CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY.
I experience everything as grace AND AS LOVE.
I am at peace. I honor the Divine within me.
Holy shit. I feel you called me out with all of this. Holy shit. Wow. I’m literally outsourcing my inner authority for risk management onto my partner. Holy shit. Thank you for this.
Great video! This was an eyeopener: "You learned to outsource your sense of safety and regulation to someone else" I just got out of a realionship with an avoidant partner who's processing a trauma from childhood and she fed my anxiety by telling me she was not OK, I wasn't constantly checking on her, she was constantly on a emotional rollercoaster so she could be feeling down during the day and then show up all smiles, drove me mental.
Been there my dude. Rough situation to be in. I hope You're doing better as I'm reading this as this was posted a month ago. I got out of a bad one myself that triggered the hell out of me and now it seems I've found someone more secure so I think there's hope.
You don't have enough views and likes.
Having lived with anxious attached persons, this hits very close to home.
I have probably listened to this video a dozen times, especially the last part, where there are strategies for dealing with anxious attachment. I am on the autism spectrum (ASD level 1), and I live with anxiety every day as a result of trying to mask in order to blend in with society. My relationships are typically doomed to failure because of my anxious attachment. I’m just now getting over the most recent one, and I am damned and determined not to repeat this cycle. Thank you for this video! I believe it will help me do that.
Patience is always a virtue and more so nowadays when external validation via internet/social media exacerbates the internal wound.
This is the best teaching I have heard about anxious attachment, thanks
MY SOUL SILENTLY WAILS
The more of your comments I see, the more I empathize with you. My brother. May you seek mercy in Christ
The helicopter parenting i think nailed it for me. Every other video I've seen really stresses "inconsistency" and I didn't really feel like that resonated with me. This hit home big time. Appreciate your work, thank you.
Dude I needed this I’m so glad there’s a guy out there doing this from his perspective because for the longest time I thought I was alone
Really looking forward to the Avoidant & Anxious relationship dance episode!
Omg!! My therapist told me I was anxious attachment the other day without going into any detail. So I found myself to this video and wow. You just described my entire life and all of the issues I’ve been dealing with in more clarity than I’ve ever heard or thought possible. So so so many puzzle pieces have just fallen into place. This was absolutely groundbreaking. I thought my situation was so unique and my problems were so confusing. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain was a mess of contradictions. But this is 1000% it.
Would love another video on downregulating the body and more in depth discussion about developing secure attachment. Fantastic video tho I’ve watched it multiple times
when i am under stress and need some self control, i spend some time with mindfulness sessions (30 min at least), then i need even more time to myself doing the things i like, cause when we are stressed out, there’s no way to get rid of anxiety in a good way.
Fantastic!! You touched on so many things that will help me in my personal relationships specifically with my partner. Great job!!
This might be the best descriptions of anxious attachment I've heard. It makes more sense to me that any other video I've found on YT.
I started out disorganized (BPD mom) and fixed the anxious side by working on myself. Now I'm avoidant as hell. I loved your video on that and I'm working on that next but would love to hear your take on specific challenges for those of us who have both.
As a woman who listens to the podcast, I love that there is a space like this for men. Connor, you're amazing, so thank you. Tremendous amount of insight in these videos for everyone, both male and female.
I’m independent when in the relationship, secure, never jealous. When it ends it’s always with super intense heartbreak that lasts for months…one breakup took me years to get over. I’m good-looking, smart, funny, I know my worth so there’s no reason for me to be this sad. I just broke up with a woman I suspect had BPD after 2 yrs, i loved her but couldn’t deal with the constant drama in her life, i knew it was toxic…and I still freaking have a broken heart for a month…doesn’t help she found a new dude 2 weeks after the breakup but..yeah I was 80% sure of my decision and it hurts but it shines a light on how irrational my heartaches are which is why I’m here lol
Thank you. You've added some extra layers to my understanding on this.
This is was 40mins therapy session.. wonderful 😊👍
Holy shit this is me, after being avoidant and finding a healthy person!!!
Wow amazing information. Thank you.
Please - more downregulating techniques. I only am anxious re: my DA girlfriend of 2 years. I need to reclaim my mind and body - my mind goes CRAZY analyzing her endless moods, pull aways, gaslighting, flaw finding. I've gone no-contact for the last ten-12 days. I don't feel we should talk unless we: have a therapist - or we get some COACHING about communicating.
if you were secure before her i don’t you would have gotten to this point
I swear. I really waterbed a lot of self improvement videos but damn this one is gold pure content that saves life/time/energy. Thanks for this. I’m glad that there are human like you.
This video was really helpful thank you 🫡
I wish I had watched this before reaching 26 yo. Very informative and clearly explained. Respect !
This is such a valuable series
I just got done watching [ending avoidant attachment] and I SO appreciate what you poured into it. Invaluable info *for* and for better relating *to* my husband.
Just pressed play and looking forward to enlightening both of us about *myself* with this one.
This video is literately me.
Every help video on this topic suggests a challenging childhood of some sorts. I had a fantastic childhood but still struggle. Lots of wasted time listening to this videos searching for any ounce of relatability lol.
Sometimes the mind hides stuff to not hurt itself. These moments can come out when you meditate and you "unlock" something
Thanks!!! I can wait to see the video
Thank you so much, Connor.
That was concise and helpful
Thank you Connor. Thank you.
Amazing video, thank you so much!!! 🙌
Thank you so much!! This gave me so much understanding and hope 💯
Potentially life-changing information! Thank you, thank you. Xx
Thanks for digging in.
This is SOO GOOD!❤
Man!!! Thank you for this content. I just recently heard about healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and this stuff here is so encouraging.
Thanks bro. You have really helped me realising what was up with myself. What's remaining is to apply the tips you have explained, thanks once again. 🎉❤
So well explained and incisive. Thanks
This video blew my mind 🤯. Thank you for breaking down the topic in a way that was engaging and easy to digest. I'm realizing the inner work I have to do as an "Anxious Attachment ". This video helped put me in the right direction on how to begin to move forward. ❤
Fantastic and very practical information!
Outsourced safety and self regulation to smn else
I am ok if you are ok, i am not ok when you are ok
-impossible situations - could not deescalate parental fight, no approval, no love, no psychological safety, being the wrong one in family, walking on eggshell
-i have to make sure that all outside is ok, so i am ok
-secure ask for support and anxious ask for validation
-more internalise (avoidant), vs anxious who is hypervigiliant to external world - constant focus on external world
- consequence - blanket around partner to prevent being avoided by partner
23:09 codependence - you need me, otherwise you will not survive; becoming clingy; asking for partner to save you as world is catastrophic
26:00 rejections, absence unaivailable caregiver - always feel as second, as smn is above them - shame as consequnence; what to do to get healtjy attachment; not showing up; neglecting
30:30 i need you to be ok, i dont need you - anxious vs avoidant; anxious are so hypervigilant, exausting
32:00 - avoidant - how to trust you vs anx - need to repair trust in self, to make good decisions choices, to produce safety in self
Make security in selffff
33:30 how - regulate self! Even if smth.is wrong, should i turn on fire alarm; anx turned alarm in chilhood when no fire; breath to lower cortisol; 2- huge energy in body (discipline of energy; attention energy in head and nack and chest) - 4:4:4:4 or 39:20
So regulate body and mind
41:27 lean to exposure therapy - move toward thing that make you anxious
- C - self esteem and self worth and self safety must be internalised - i am valyable, i am worth, i am accepting; journalusing - why is important to value self and why i am greatefull - writte both and say if you really feel it or not
45:37 D - create separation from partner or create healthy place to disconnect from needeness to check others; the goal is to have room for self regulation and self accepting
Connor you have helped me so much. I’m a woman but the way you explain these things is super digestible and has given me actionable steps to help myself with this. I appreciate you
I feel the exact same way! I’m so appreciative of this channel 🙏🏽
I agree
Was just exploring attachment styles yesterday, so this is perfect timing. Also just picked up your book via Audible. Great listen so far.
Outstanding, thanks for grabbing a copy and hope it serves you.
Great video Connor! Thank you for the detailed and clear explanation. I feel I got more out of this video than I have out of 3 months of therapy.
Outstanding! Love hearing that. Thanks for watching
I may not be a man, but I have more alpha characteristics (from protecting myself!!), but I related to 100% of this.
Brilliant
Thank you.
Today is my Birthday & everything you said in this video has resonated. Thank you for giving me a gift even though we don't know each other. I thank you from my Heart 🧡💛
Beauty! Thanks for taking the time to watch today
@@ManTalks Pleasure is mine.
Thank you
I was a daycare kid from infancy. Mom has ADHD so "Cindy space cadet" had her own problems but her inattention fucked me up.
Don’t text-don’t drop in-don’t ask questions-just take the scraps he throws you and hope someone that gets you comes along…
Connor, I admire your cool vibe and your expertness. Love the content ( I am recovering from anxious attachment). But…. Please-please pay attention to your Latin: it’s not eKcetera, it’s ET CETERA. 😍
When I'm in a relationship, I want things to be okay with my partner because I care about his feelings, not in order for me to be okay. It's called empathy.
Good for you! Many of us don't necessarily struggle with empathy (considered a development from nature). Anxious attachment is derrived from Nurture. Our upbringings and typically childhood relationships with (often but not always) dismissive parents, is what can lead to such an attachment style.
It presents as incessantly attentive, continually seeking validation (which can be easily triggered in a relation where the other partner may be an avoidant) - which will lead to what seems like someone being overbearing/controlling etc.
Minimising attachment styles like this which often require extensive therapy to change/take control of, and boiling it down to a lack of empathy, is absurdly damaging to people that have come to this video where they're likely starting their therapy journey. like me.
Is there a video on anxious-avoidant attachment style? Thanks
Yep, I tried to take care of my alcoholic father as a child. Luckily he's been sober for a long time now.
Currently in a relationship where we are apparently having a problem. I came out and asked her are you still wanting to be together and her response was, I dont know and she's very distant. I'm guessing I'm anxious attachment and she's avoidant.
You described me in your previous video "codependency" and this one describes my wife "attachment style ". Now we are 2 fuckups raising a child
Thanks for this guides Connor!
Those are really valuable.
I would love to have your opinion on "A man's guide to avoid fear of rejection"
Yesss I love it
Beauty, thats a great one
@@ManTalks I'm glad it is inspiring you.
I feel that a lot of men have it in term of approaching women, but on a deeper level this men also fear to talk with their family or to create deeper friendships with other men because they are scared of being rejected if they are authentic.
Thank you again for your work Connor, you are making this World a better place.
More breathing techniques pls
Okay so I found this really fucking interesting.
Now I don't know if there are sources or things that you are referencing because I was just kind of working out and listening to this. However, that would be a good thing.
Also, I would say 75% of the situations you mentioned about childhood experiences are things that I have personally experienced.
Here's the thing though. I've always considered myself a fairly confident person. I've been through a lot and I have succeeded in conquering so much in my life. I have a lot to be proud of and even with all the mistakes I've made in my life I wouldn't change a thing.
So in relationships I do pretty good... Until a point.
I don't text someone all day or always feeling need to be in touch with them. It's actually sometimes the opposite. I'm a very independent person and I need my own space.
But when things go wrong, that's the issue. When my partner does something that I don't like or they said something that was shitty, therein lies the possibility that my anxious attachment style will surface.
So is it possible to feel secure most of the time and yet have this like lurking shadow of an anxious attachment?
I've seen women that I've dated, not that men cannot have this, where I have seen the anxious attachment style in full force, most of the time.
Obviously I'm not going to be the most objective, but it seems to hit me only when the other person starts pulling away after something bad happens.
It's hard cuz I'm not going to sit here and give the exact situation, but basically I found out something was going on behind my back and even though it wasn't cheating, it really pissed me off. My partner was avoidant. It was a nightmare.
Yes, anxious attachment is definitely a spectrum. And it seems like your baseline and growth has led you to have/develop more secure strategies. However, you still have healing left. That's okay, I can definitely relate to the things you've mentioned.
@@pasmetha oh I mean I'm not trying to say it's perfect by any means over here, I hope I didn't try and give that impression. My life is a laundry list of little tragedies lol. But I mean it's good to just recognize these things and work with them instead of sitting around and feeling bad about it, you know?
I'm extremely fortunate to have that privilege to have the time and the capacity to work on myself.
@@jasonbrianmerrill Oh yes, don't worry, I didn't get that impression. I firmly believe that anyone who has had to develop anxious strategies did not get the attunement and nurture required in childhood.
But yeah it's nice to see a fellow human that is working on their anxious attachment. It's not an easy task. We are all brave for taking on this endeavour. Cuz technically we didn't have to. We could have continued on the generational trauma.
We could have found someone to play the anxious-avoidant dance with until we died. I know my previous partners wouldn't have left.
@@pasmetha I'm glad you didn't get that impression. I was scared because I require external validation ;-)
Haha well I mean I am proud of myself for exiting a shitty situation even if it wasn't perfect and not typically my nature.
@@jasonbrianmerrill I'm proud of you as well! It's not an easy task to be the one to leave as an anxious attacher.
I guess we are in the same boat, I also made a similar decision too. All the best wishes to you!
Have you come across “boarding school syndrome”? I think my anxiety and anxious attachment stems from there. Would you consider this as a topic?
Coulda have just Used my Face as ThumbNail bro 😅. This one's too relatable . Jesus Christ
Hahaha, I hear ya
Listen to this with a partner all my ex partners not speaking english😒🥴
Would having both very anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies fall under Fearful-avoidant?
Yes. I'm fearful avoidant
Can you do Fearful Avoidant as a man?
You bet, it's on the list!
Hi, I would like to learn more strategies for down regulating of my nervous system. I have done the technique 46 and it is magnificent. The technique from dr.Linnea was perfect toooo. During 3 weeks that I do these, my life has changed enormously. I wish, I had learned them before.
What if it's your husband that's unpredictable,not your parents. I feel like I'm going crazy at times.
Am I anxious or is she a cheater lol. I don’t know let me listen.
Sweet Jesus 😮💨
Gnarly 🔥 at least I know now. Thanks. But what does figuring out the past help ? It runs too deep and into your ancestors with too much complexity. I take my security and place it in God and ahis solid rock son named Jesus who will never fail me. Anxiety is the worship of Satan. True life giving love casts away all fears. Faith is thinking what God thinks 🙏 🙌 forget the past.
It's intrusive when a parent wants to know private things, but I don't think it's intrusive when a partner wants to know private things. Why would a partner hide things from you? Also, why would they want independence? I understand needing me time, but if they want independence, maybe they should be single.
Thank you brother 🙏🏾
Wow you’re brilliant. New follow 🩵