A Man's Guide To Ending Avoidant Attachment
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
- Talking points: attachment, mindset, relationships, psychology
The last “A Man’s Guide” was a big hit. I had a feeling it would be, but the response still surprised me! Next up, a serious breakdown of avoidant attachment. Here's the definition, where it comes from, the signs, and tips for moving away from it in a relationship.
This is a great episode to listen to with your partner. Take notes, discuss, and see what comes up! Lastly, thank you to everyone who reached out with comments, questions, ideas, and gratitude. I love doing these longer-form presentations; it means I get to nerd out and really lay things down.
(00:00:00) - Intro
(00:01:38)- Defining secure attachment versus avoidant
(00:04:30) - Attachment styles don’t mean you’re broken or diseased in some way
(00:07:42) - What an avoidant attachment style ultimately is, where it comes from, and one major type many men embody
(00:14:18) - One major origin point of avoidant attachment: emotional distance or unavailability
(00:22:17) - Another major origin point: premature independence
(00:25:13) - And the third: rejection of attachment
(00:28:03) - Last one: inconsistent responses and emotional stability
(00:32:32) - Signs of avoidant attachment in your relationship
(00:40:09) - What to do if you’re with an avoidant partner
(00:50:09) - What to do if YOU are the avoidant partner!
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#attachment #avoidantattachment #MensWork #adviceformen - Розваги
it may not be "unhealthy" for the person that's avoidant, but what they end up putting their partner through, isn't just unhealthy, but can be traumatic. so with respect, I'd say their coping mechanism is toxic. they lure someone in, get them, then panic because their getting to close, start telling them selves that they csnt trust anyone, so then they push them away, usually through cheating, or ghosting, and when when the partner finally says I give up, I've had enough, I'm gone, the avoidant then thinks " see I knew they woukd leave" they self sabotage then blame the partner, and take no accountability. that's incredibly toxic.
My husband is an avoidant and shortly after we got married he went from loving to critical and blaming. He stopped being affectionate unless I initiated. Really messed with my mind but eventually I did figure out it wasn't me. He had the problem. We are still married and I have had to focus on my wellbeing and our daughter's. I do also see my role in allowing this relationship dynamic. I would be very cautious before entering into another relationship.
@@melissathomas2314: how are things with your husband now? Are you trying to get counselling? Is the relationship better now, that you know he is avoidant? Have you talk to him about this?
Yes suicide rate is high for partners of avoidants who never learn this info. It is completely traumatic
My husband changed after getting married and I was extremely confused. I had a mental breakdown. My avoidant told my mother that he didn’t care. 🤷🏽♀️
@@LuvableTyraBaby im so sorry. it's really hard the moment you relize that the person you committed your life to, didn't think, feel, or love you the way that they had lead you to believe. it's like you got dropped into a diffrent reality where everything is the opposite of how you remember it being. it causes you to distrust in the person you thought you were, changes how you see yourself, like the identity you thought you had, was fake. it's embarrassing, and heartbreaking. were taught how to love ourselves by how others treat us. if we're abuses we think we're not deserving, if we're ignored we think no one cares, if we're lied to we think we're not good enough, and if we're betrayed we think that it's our fault for believing their lies. it's hard to like the parts of ourselves that keep getting rejected by those we care about.
If you are here and you are avoidant... This stranger on the Internet is already DAMN proud of you! 😎👌 FIGHT ON WARRIOR!!
Thank you for genuinely being supportive of other's journey to heal! Many of us want to so we can be our best for ourselves and in the relationships we put ourselves in but we do need help and support, it's hard to see everything, all at once, all the time haha. Thank you Thank you!!
Thank you 🙏🏻 I just found out I’m avoidant after my last breakup, and I’m torn up about breaking her heart. I need to change, I can’t be like this anymore 😢
Avoidants MAKE OHTER PEOPLE ANXIOUS
I'm in the middle of journaling about how my avoidance is "flaring up" right now in my relationship and how frustrating of an experience it is. Decided to open UA-cam and this was the first video on my homepage. Wild timing. Thanks for making this.
check thais gibson and briana macwilliam
Adam Lane Smith too explains what's going on in the brain too
I'm trying to flood my DA crush with love and support.
Not working 😂 she ran away
I am guilty for this as well 😂 @@robinharrison4902
My wife and I have done so much therapy on this (couples and individual), that now we have flip flopped attachment styles lol. However, our therapist says flip flopping is part of the path to secure attachment (since you're finally able to be in the shoes of the other person)
That’s actually really adorable. I’m rooting for your marriage 🎉
My mother is securely attached and my father was disorganised attached. I grew up with a LOT of verbal violence from my father. He was extremely inconsistent. We never knew when he would go mental, but one thing was a guarantee.... He would, multiple times a day into the late night. I already figured out some 20 years ago that the first time he yelled at me, at the age of 4, was a key defining moment in my development. It was some 11 months ago that Somatic Experiencing helped my body/nervous system to release the frozen emotions, feelings and sensations (early childhood trauma) belonging to that key defining moment. It was when I started to be Dismissive Avoidant.
The good thing? We are all wired for Secure Attachment, it is something we can learn, this is the wonder of neuro plasticity! 😀😀😀
Great video. Don’t capitulate to your avoidants, make them do the work too!
I'm a fearful Avoidant and I could not have blown up my Avoidant any more than I did and I've regretted ever since 😢
In a 1 month ghosting from an avoidant man, whom I love very much. The signs are all there. We were having a long distance relationship....in the SAME city. Drove me crazy. When we finally did come together it was always enjoyable. I have since moved from anxious to more secure. I miss him.
Been trying to understand my avoidant BF and this describes him to T including dependence on substances. We keep repeating patterns (action/reaction) and cycles of good days followed by pulling away. His new puppy is his latest distraction from a focus on us as he puts love and attention to that which cannot hurt him. The lack of emotional closeness and his lack of awareness is hard to deal with and I'm losing hope.
Wish I found you a few months ago man, but the pain of the breakup may of been the only thing that made me need to understand myself.
Exact same feeling
I hope you're doing well these days! The pain is real. Lol I'm so weird.. I'll hangout with one person for a couple months and take 6 months to learn about everything 😂 it's a slow process but hopefully will pay off. Idk , not a professional
Healing the inner child within has been so highly beneficial in my healing journey. The mankind project and the weekend transformative journey has brought me to face my shadow aspects. I was faced with all the projections and triggers from my disfunctional family patterns passed on from my parents. Awareness is key to healing, the work starts when you feel safe enough to really feel the grief, anger, rage of the little boy. Highly recommend reading homecoming and healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. After reading these I was brought to tears from the pain my inner boy/ teenager faced growing up. These inter generational wounds are deep in the collective shadow and we are seeing this being played out in the world.
Just clicked play and REALLY looking forward to absorbing this - and sharing it with my avoidant husband. Eventually. And hopefully he doesn’t avoid watching it.
This is the absolute best explanation I have ever heard for explaining avoidant attachment. Thank you so much.
Thanks for tuning in!
Ok you're really scaring me. All points were basically my life and habits...
Insecure attachment patterns that persists throughout adulthood and impacts self or others in ways that inflict suffering are unhealthy. Although as children those patterns are appropriate adaptations to make in response to their environment for survival sake, these adaptations and patterns, created via attachment wounding, correlate with many conditions that require professional attention.
This
I agree with all of this, however, after years of being neglected, the avoidant person also has a responsibility to reassure their partner.
Hey Connor, I know I’m fearful avoidant and would love to see your Man’s Guide to end that. Much appreciated, and shout out to your awesome work!
Yes please
So proud that you are working on it. That's 80 percent of the work🎉
I have a hunch the avoidants are not going to listen to this 😂
Your hunch has been proven wrong.
Oh, look, another extremely supportive woman! 😂
Great video, very good insight for the avoidant partners, I was looking for something like this, thank you kindly ! 🙏
Connor is the real face of true relationship help and advice. Truly good intentions and trying to make this world just a little easier for everyone out there. He is so underappreciated while pretty boy club boy/shaved arm gym bro fakes like Chris Williamson blow up with millions of viewers for providing cheap jokes and redundant convos we've heard a million times to sell books. Keep going, god is gonna continue to reward the real ones like you bud.
It's like they become a mix of how they were treated and in combination with that the way the conditioned themselves to adapt to it.
So take both entities or characteristics, merge that into one and that is a Dismissive Avoidant.
A person who becomes their caregiver to others and a person who lives in fear of exposing their wounds ,their vulnerability and how they adapted to it.
A negative synergy of both worlds unfortunately.
Yet, naturally with evolution there is a desire for intimacy, closeness and a connection but the duality merged into one creates this person. THE AVOIDANT.
Because they become who they are, I truly feel that the only way they can become secure is through professional help and the WILL to face those core wounds.
Yes, and, sadly, they are the attachment style that is the LEAST likely to seek in-person, face-to-face therapy. Or any other kind of therapy, for that matter. I feel (rather than) think that, in the end, ultimately, they are just not that into the people who are into them.
I appreciate this subject. Please continue on with the discussion of Fearful Avoidant
I love watching your videos and learning about various topics from a balanced male perspective. It’s really refreshing when so many platforms are either demonizing men (or women) and/or are not looking more deeply at relational and personal growth. Thank you!
Just listened to this on the podcast and hit the nail on the head on what I’m currently going thru in my relationship with my wife where I’m the avoidant and she’s the anxious. Looking forward to the follow up on these for solutions. It brought a lot of clarity to the elusive obvious problem we’ve been facing.
Wow! This is the most practical and specific video I've seen on the topic. Real advice and not "you suck, your partner sucks, sign up for my $2k class"
It’s been a while since I came across a UA-cam channel that’s always on time with relevant content.
This video may have just saved the rest of my life. Thank you.
Glad it hit home and is supporting you. Thanks for tuning in
@@ManTalksIt hit like the hand of God. I am the definition of dismissive avoidant. I knew I suffered from something, but did not know what or why. I'm near the end of a 5 year marriage with a beautiful, high value woman that was all green flags. Some quirks yes, but at the end of the day my avoidant attachment self sabotaged this relationship for the last two years. I've shared the enlightenment, but she is "done". Nice guy, people pleaser verses a very capable, strong willed woman that eventually held all the masculinity. Conflicts were almost non existent. We meshed like fine gears and yet when an occasional disappointment appeared I would withdraw in shame instead of being able to have constructive conversation and lean into what she needed. Analysis paralysis and inaction. I can't repair the broken bond at this point, but I can repair myself and have much easier and fuller relationships moving forward. LIFE will be better overall after understanding how this affects so many aspects of my daily choices and functions. Total gratitude to you sir.
Not sure if you've done a Fearful Avoidant video yet but as that's what I have I'd be very interested. Thanks for making these videos.
Ngl, this is probably the best work I have encountered on avoidant attachment, I am working my way to secure attachment from disorganized attachment and I look forward to that video as well. The way you've addressed the avoidant here makes so much sense to me about my own avoidance especially that bit about not trusting that the connection will be sustained through conflict and that speaking my own mind and expressing my truest feelings will not lead to disconnection or even if it does, there's alway grace for repair. It feels good to be seen. My boyfriend is also avoidant, it's now so evident to me and I want to learn more strategies on how to connect better with him, I love all those helpful tips you've shared especially the scripts on giving choices and having them choose rather than chasing them down with ultimatums. Great video😊
Great content!
Great explanation! I am a fearful avoidant (shifting between anxious and dismissive) and would love to hear your thoughts on causes, relationship dynamics and what to do. Again, thank you very much!
Please make a video about fearful avoidants. I listened to your anxious and avoidant but I'm missing the gap with the other one. Please please please!
Fantastic information. Thanks so much.
I think I have disorganized attachment style and I'd really love to watch a vid on it
Great podcast episode and love the sports analogy 😎
Amazing video. I can't believe this content is free.
God bless you for making this video, I always thought I was hopeless in my relationships, Literally holding back tears watching this. I wish I could show this to a couple past partners it could have changed things but moving forward things will improve, please keep making videos you’re doing a great service
Amazing brother, thank you so much for tuning in, and hope you're subscribed to the channel. More to come!
Stay strong and keep learning! You got this!!
You are a legend, thank you so much for your well informed and well spoken tutorial on avoidant attachment. I think if you could get a gold metal for that attachment style I would have it.
Not that I would actually want it but least I can not begin to eradicate this child hood behaviour and add it to the rest of my child hood trauma rap sheet.
Seriously love your work and would love to hear about the anxious attachment as well because I don’t know if it is possible but I may have that as well.
Anyways watched much of your videos and I love them all, keep going because your well seasoned talks are sure guiding the broken men to salvation.
I need this struggled with it alot since childhood.
Fantastic breakdown, Connor. When you have a chance, can you investigate how modern western culture promotes avoidant attachment in men and women.
Daycare is a huge culprit and less mothers staying home. Also less men being willing to be providers/hook up culture disintegration/over medicated society etc
"boys don't cry"
"Man up"
"Don't be such a sissy"
This was really good, thanks!
A very comprehensive description of what it's like to be avoidant, as well as practical techniques to overcome it.
Thanks a lot!
I'm waiting for the one about the FA partner now hehe
Yes, please. Avoidant-fearful attachment style.
I love this format Mr Beaton, keep up the great work!
Glad to hear. More on the way
Loved the video, when do you think you’ll post the video for the other type of avoidant attachment?
They'll be dropping in the coming weeks. Working on the anxious which should be out next week
I would really appreciate a fearful avoidant video
Working on it
It’s crazy how everything he described feels to me as just “being a man”. That’s how I grew up, “trust only in God”. Men call other men “friends” but the fact is that even women will judge the things you say when you’re not performing the role you’re socially expected to. Be vulnerable = get hurt. With my dad, even his hugs did hurt. Maybe it’s a Brazilian (or Latino) culture issue. Maybe not. Maybe it’s about luck. If this doesn’t resonate with you, maybe you can feel very lucky. Be aware of the privileges you got in life. I’m working on myself. Thanks Connor, excellent video, as usual.
How did they hurt? Please explain
@@BlueBlue23 Anyone who thinks that a man can't show affection to his own son, that he has to set a rigid example of virility all the time, can't hug without squeezing, tickle without poking hard, or play with his son without getting angry and humiliating. Limitations of his mentality that I managed not to pass on to my children, when I became aware of it.
@@andreluquini thank you so much
Men are more likely to be avoidant and women are more likely to be anxious *in a relationship with each other* because relationships the other way round are much less likely to even get started. The research I found suggested that there aren't big differences between men and women in overall prevalence of the different styles.
22:12 as a DA, when i talk about problems, i make sure to couch it in self mockery so i dont invite shaming or one-upping. I had too many painful moments of expressing a big problem, only to be dismissed. Now when i talk about my problems, my wife listens, which only makes me nervous.
Refreshing
@mantalks during dating if u meet someone with avoidant a. Cant u better just dont go on a date? I mean like dont meet them at all and look for someone with a secure a. ? Any toughts?
Do you have sources to back up your in utero hypothesis?
How about a person with an avoidant attachment style that is dealing with an addiction? Would you say that in that case the avoidant might be avoiding because of shame and that the shame needs to be dealt with first?
Most avoidants are dealing with addiction. And yes they are dealing with toxic shame. They are in a lot of pain. The addiction is an attempt to find relief from the pain, as well as yet another way they are trying to escape.
Impossible to find this sbuject handled so in-depth for anxious attachement by a man. Sadly
It's on my list to tackle next. Will do a deep dive on that. Anything specific you'd like me to address?
Could you do one of these for men dealing with an anxious avoidant spouse?
You bet. It’s on the list
@@ManTalks Can you make one for man Who are anxious attachment?
@@MaurerBarros Absolutely. Also on the list!
Can you talk about like fear of intimacy rather than any conflict in the relationship like lat there isn't any criticism and let's say there's an excessive void of communication
How about one on nice guy syndrome?
Sounds good, i'll add that one to the list. Will do a deep dive
@@ManTalks thank you! I appreciate your work, it is incredibly valuable to me!
Would it work with an avoidant to ask them to tell me "hey, I need time alone now". Are they able to do that?
Been dealing with a woman who is avoidant because of trauma
Can you talk about birthdays they ignore you?
Avoidants believe "your feelings aren't my problem." Sounds like they're trying to gaslight you into believing this too.
Make no mistake, a true life partner should always celebrate your birthday. It IS their job to make special days special for you. If they fail to do so, they are sending the clear message that they will NOT meet your needs.
Yes complete ignorance
Plot twist... I'm a female with avoidant attachment disorder
Almost un subscribed at the beginning...DA's aren't worse than anxious? I get your point...but live in the punishment a DA puts on you and you would probably change your stance on that.
These people are sick. Fearful, avoidant cheaters, they cheat, they lie, they cheat more. They have dual long distance relationships, they don’t express needs up front. They need to get therapy before they can do anything else. And stay out of relationships! They are selfish they are effed up.
Wait wait wait, we shouldn't teach MMT to 6 year olds..? I just found my biggest psychology issue 😂😂
I'm sorry but it is better to have avoidant as a man than anxious. Because your life is not going to be such garbage that you can't work on it.