Can confirm. The dance is addicting. The trick is to stay about one step behind her and stay present in the moment. If you pour everything into her you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt.
Gave my -exfiancé everything -- poured everything into her -- and I am the total package, she wanted for nothing. As soon as I put up healthy boundaries to her toxic controlling and neediness she discarded me and disappeared. You do have to move slower than them and let them prove they truly want to be with you. It was my fault giving her that much without her ever proving she was a woman of that quality.
i mean...this sounds exhausting. Walking on egg shells is not a way to live. These relationship dynamics only work if both parties are aware and work at it to get to a secure point in each of the individuals, and then the relationship
I've watched all of your videos on Anxious and Avoidant... This is BEYOND eye opening... .I am 100% the anxious attached and my wife is the avoidant... and we have both been doing EVERYTHING 100% wrong for each other.... I just hope and pray it's not too late to try to remedy and fix our relationship, or lack thereof.
1. Start communicating your needs that you keep secret / afraid to say. 2. Ask yourself what you are not giving in your relationship. Whats missing? 3. Be willing to confront and have conflict / argue to get what you want. 4. Dont let conflict linger.. repair the problem by reconnection. 5. Tell (do not ask) your partner to talk about their feelings / day. 6. Give thanks / appreciation instead of criticism to get attention. 7. Give clear directions of your wants and needs expectations. 8. Dont chase her. Instead invite and create oppurtunities for touch.
@@dseve9 it was like pulling a tooth to take a break & get her to lay down for just a few minutes to share a kiss.. 5 minutes passed & she asked how to end the meeting already getting too sleepy wives get bored of their husbands after 45 menopause starts & they get amnesia of how they used to kiss you but dont be triggered just be supportive & keep asking / inviting to come lay down politely. Kindness and patience will win the avoidant over as the more they say no the more they feel obligated to invite you to do something else than have affection (by saying yes to that offer youll get a yes to yours later). Google movies / tv series & find one that you both like, offer a walk, go shopping, hiking, bike ride, art gallery, or gardening together etc during the activities make subtle not forceful contact to rekindle the attraction avoidants are turned on by your interest in them they never chase & dont want to be trapped so its a fine line to success be available & also its okay to do the same things regularly to get them to open up. Most importantly Never complain that they are unavailable / preoccupied instead make yourself appear that way but always be emotionally & physically prioritizing their company if they are interested “just offering” is the attitude act like it doesnt matter even when it hurts like hell that they refuse.
You've described my 10 year relationship, which felt like a hundred years. Not worth it to invest in this. I tear up now whenever a girl I'm dating is emotionally or physically expressive and giving, like this is something I knew was possible, and I needed it really badly. Let the avoidant do most of the work, and want to actually heal.
@victorivri share the work ❤her work is to heal and yours is to understand and see the healing. Expecting her to do all the work is unrealistic and you’ll wait another 100yrs. She needs your trust and support ❤
It's like willingly walking into a minefield.... Or worse, a Diddy party. First of all, how do you know if she had an avoidant attachment style, or is simply not that into you? Second, and more importantly: why the fuck should you care either way? The outcome is going to be the same. Don't invest time and energy into people who aren't enthusiastically reciprocating
@@angmori172 As if anxious clingy attachment is not just as damaging. People with secure attachment styles may not invest so much energy into avoidants. But they sure as hell don't dehumanize them and compare them to narcissists or worse pedophiles. Maybe you should do some self-reflection but judging by your comment there's a high likelihood you don't have the ability to do that.
This is great advice. I'm an avoidant woman, realized it and have been trying to heal for about 2.5 years now. I'm now in a committed relationship, 1 year in, and we live together. Healing takes time and a lot of uncomfortable work, but its totally possible and worth it. I'm not 100% and will still find myself falling into avoidant thoughts and tendencies, but I've come soooo far. My man has been the biggest part of my healing. Moving into someone else's space, allowing them to support me, and sharing my feelings has been such a challenge but so transformative. I always have had such a fear of being a burden, physically and/or emotionally. My BF also made it clear to me what he expects, and also that I can mess up and that he's not going to leave me for it. I think a lot of avoidant people fear that if we share our feelings we will be burdensome to our partner and it may be taken wrong and then we will be rejected or not loved because of it.
One question, do you have any insights on how do we create space for the avoidant partner to share without putting pressure on them? I'd appreciate any help. Thanks a lot!
@@johnny_rootslet them know how much you love them and that you want them to share more, because you want to grow that love and to love them even better. Make it super clear that their shares and that you supporting them does not make them a burden, but rather a blessing. When they do share make sure to thank them, give them some praise and let them know how important it was for you and how that makes you feel loved and closer to them. Reaction is super important too. I hesitate to share because of fear of being a burden but also because i fear a negative response. Make sure to respond with openness, acceptance, and love. Try your best to be a stable grounded force for them.
@@johnny_rootsavoidant here. for me a tricky balance of self-respect, confidence and extension or care and support. a specific example: i’m fiercely independent and one way my partner (now of 10+ years) earned my trust was creating solutions to our financial entanglements so we could move in together but had very clear boundaries, contracts, shared expenses, etc.this made me feel both independent and able to be in partnership. knowing he had healthy boundaries and wouldn’t just swoop in and save me (i’m an anti damsel-in-distress) made me respect him MORE. he helped my by sharing his knowledge, connections and always being there physically and emotionally without creating any weird savior dynamic. Eventually over the years we have helped each other through small things and then bigger things and I’m now able to accept his help without triggering my entanglement phobia.
@@mariab.gonzalez6130what helped me heal was actually just working on my relationship and communication skills. At the time I was living in Asheville and they had local community events called 'authentic relating' where I was put into different conversations and relational situations. This helped me learn to practice speaking, sharing my feelings and what's was going on inside me, how to hold someone's gaze, and even learning what my boundaries where and how to speak them. This practice with the other participants felt 'easier' because I didn't know them really, it felt more safe to practice being open and vulnerable with people that didn't know me well. I then took these skills and used them in my dating life. A few months later I entered a committed relationship, and then really got to practice what I'd learned. I found that what I needed to heal was putting myself into relational experiences (romantic and otherwise) that forced me to slowly open up and move away from my avoidant behavior. I will note that in my dating life and even with my friends I let them all know I was avoidant and healing and that my healing had to happen within connection. So basically I made sure everyone around me was on board. I didn't want anyone to have any surprises. I made sure they all knew what to expect, so that no one felt as though I was using them to heal.
I just came out of this relationship with an Avoidant lady. Everything that you say and I mean everything is correct. You are incredibly perceptive. I was a securish attachment style before the rollercoaster ride has pushed me to a more anxious disposition. Working to get back to me. Thanks, great channel and delivery. Well done
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
The algorithm just showed me this after 6 months of watching other great UA-cams on attachment. You are the first one to do clearly address the anxious man avoidant woman. Thank you. Thank you!
Same. Appreciation and gratitude go a long way, as does NOT ignoring an avoidant. Being available and letting me know you're there, and appreciating my efforts to bond go a long way. One thing he said that really resignated with me is when we share something we want to do, take the opportunity as a bonding moment. I remember the canceled plans and disinterest in my interests. That builds up and definitely contributes to the resentfulness avoidants feel in the end. But, ultimately, it's the space left without communicating that ends the relationship. He said 24 to 48 hours max to seek resolution of conflict and that's 100% true.
@@jennyjugs13good to hear that you want to change. I have bin in a relationship with one for 20 years. She could not handle an argument. I was met zero tollerance and no selfreflection. I was allways to blame and no argument was ever resolved. My wounds run to deep now and I don't want to get burned ever again. 😢 it ended 2 weeks ago and everything I learn now about attachment relationship will be for the next one.
Cracking the code means identifying her as quickly as possibly as an avoidant and then using the first legit excuse that comes along to end the relationship (don't worry - she'll give you one very quickly). Congrats, you've cracked the code to self preservation.
@@richardbirch2544unfortunately that's a trap. It's literally called the anxious/avoidant trap. And they will break up to make up perpetually because they feed each other's wounds
What I've learned from dealing with this issue with my wife is that it's like communicating with someone that has the emotional intelligence of a child. Tiptoeing and being extremely careful with your tone and the way you phrase your sentences is vital, and it's exhausting. When they fall back into this mode, everything is considered an attack. Then it's shut down, deflect, blame, etc. Your pointers are much appreciated and on point, but I could never show her this video. Me merely mentioning watching this with her with an open mind would send her into a triggered fidgety shutdown state. I've just adapted to taking it like a man and trudging forward for our kids.
The bottom line is… THEY have to admit they have unhealed emotional trauma. If not, forget it… THEY have to want to put in the INNER work of healing that childhood trauma.
Yeah this is all a wonderful idea. The part that's not being mentioned is often the avoidant doesn't have enough self-awareness to be able to even address this
@@RyanPs3gamer123 It's very different to date someone who is aware that they're avoidant to someone who has no idea and is not ready or willing to work on it. As men that is up to us to take responsibility for ourselves and decide if it's worth it or not.
I have made major progress repairing my relationship with a fearful avoidant/bpd partner. I can COMPLETELY vouch for the tips in this video. Very solid. Do not chase her. Do not try to fix her. Let her have space. Tell her you’re there for when she wants to come to you. I am anxious, and I was just leaning in, leaning in, leaning in. Why cant I solve this problem???? If that’s what you’re doing-do the opposite. And if that makes her nervous, you can just tell her: Look, I can tell that you need your space sometimes. I’m always here for you. I’m gonna give you that space. Come to me when you want or need to.
@@shadowsbruther maybe so maybe not, but knowing youtube i would get the same response even if i posted “my relationship has been a lot better since I agreed to stop farting on my girlfriend”
Too late bro we broke up 2 days ago. I tried so hard, but she only pull away further. Im tired even tho i love her. I hope she can heal some day. Because no matter how much i offered to, she is too unstable, it sad tbh. Thank you for the video
Hey man, you did everything right. It's not you. I'm in your shoes. They believe that commitment = abandonment and they are constantly thinking that you're too good for them and self sabotaging themselves. They are used to the chaos of emotionally unavailable people like narcissists because those people don't activate their triggers which is literally commitment. It's mind shattering. Best we can do is let go and let God handle it. It's not their fault for growing up in that environment, but it's their responsibility to heal from it.
im in the same boat, sadly after the first month of dating she made profiles for dating apps while on a holiday at her best friends country shouldve let her go at that point but i didnt and everything went downhill from that cuz i didnt set up my boundary and shouldve let her go but i was already getting feelings for her and gave her another chance because we were dating i told myself, how stupid i was... now im in NC for 10 days now and its pretty hard because i catched feelings for her in the couple months after trying to fix things and communicate but she was perfecting me and couldnt let me be who i was and the stuff i was working on (so no baggage she had to deal whit) everything else clicked
This is so comforting as an avoidant woman. I realized that I have had the pattern of attempting repair in many relationships, family, friends and dating but was dismissed or shut down by them despite my efforts to open up. I wish I’d had this kind of counselling /education in middle and high school. What a difference in managing my expectations and understanding/communicating my needs in slightly different ways. Despite the woes of social media and its impact on relationship matters, I am so grateful for free access to this solid information on the internet. Thank you!!!!❤
Avoidants are afraid to communicate and what looks like an attempt for yourself, may look like nothing to someone else. When you attempted to repair, how did you bring up the problem? Were you direct about it or indirect hoping someone would notice? It's important because how would your partner even know you're making an attempt if you're not making it clear?
Well, I'm married to an avoidant woman, while I'm an anxious man, and when I watched this video I saw all that's happening in our lives. Everything you said is true. And I will watch this video more times to enable myself to put it all into practice.
@@nickcsuki8123 The main problem now is that she doesn't want to live in the same house with me. We have lunch together everyday in my house. We spend all sunday together after sunday school and she comes to my house twice every week in the evening, but she still doesn't want to live in the same home. It's not so easy, but it's improving slowly.
@@wolfgangschanner5947 That sounds so rough. Couldn't imagine being in that scenario. Where I struggle is this: 'Do I love myself enough to accept this? If so, do I prefer letting go or do I want to stay with her. If so, there must be perspective.' I cannot imagine you are okay with this? Do you use the time you have at hands building/taking care of yourself? I hope you can make some decisions that help you getting the life you want.
@@nickcsuki8123 Getting out of these troubles is extremely complex. It would be content for a book to describe the chessboard I and my woman live today. Going on like this and have patience with her seems to be the best way to improve life. It's not easy to live together with any woman. So I think trying to live better with my current woman is the best option I now have.
Been married to a beautiful avoidant for 35 years. No infidelity post marriage. This is what has saved us. You really hit me with the “taking too much emotional space” you have nailed this Conner
Totally relate… I am a man that was in a relationship with an avoidant woman, and I did all the things spoken about the other way I around, I couldn’t “save”. Her nor the relationship… I wish I knew all these when we were still in the relationship. Thank you.
Very well said and explained. Its the best explanation so far. As a dismissive avoidant woman who has only become aware of this after my 22 year marriage failed. I could never work out what was going on and intellectually I knew I was pulling away or clamming up. However unfortunately neither of us knew how to deal with this resulting in our divorce two years ago. This video spells it out so clearly and I can tell these are strategies that would work for me. It was great seeing the strategies for both partners yoo. My ex though it was my problem and therefore I should fix it. Resulting in me diving back into my protective mechanism even further. I didn't want to but couldn't figure out how to stop or understand what I was doing. 😢 I have learnt so much more over the last few years thanks to videos like these. Thank you for the clarity and suggestions, its really appreciated - from a dismissive avoidant woman.
Great video. DO NOT CHASE is very powerful. Thank you. My wife is avoidant, anxious, and blind. She relies heavily on me to help her calm down and to get around, but refuses to reciprocate. She says it’s what I get for marrying her, and my problems aren’t her problems. I’d like to hear how easy is it for avoidant attachment to verge into narcissism. She has also fired a dozen therapists and sabotaged our couple’s counciling.
I keep hearing that everything leads back to emotional safety. To make relationship work, only 2 things is needed, stoicism and empathy to women's emotion. Easy said but very difficult to do.
Thank you, brother. I legit was seriously going to give up on an avoidant woman I fell for and she pulled away when emotions were getting to high since I am a protector anxious guy. We haven’t talked in a month and I am in no contact mode because I am focusing on my purpose. I am giving her space to miss me and potentially reach out to me when I level up ( house, promotion, side business). If she does come back I’ll make sure to implement all the wisdom you’re sharing with me. I am still do my thing till then.
*With avoidant women, patience and emotional stability are key. Rushing or pushing too hard can trigger them to pull away, so creating a safe, non-judgmental space is crucial for building trust over time.*
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
*STOP!* Avoidant personalities and attachment styles can and often lead to emotional abuse and manipulation. This isn't a matter of "demonizing" them. This isn't to say that what they're doing is deliberate or intended to cause pain on others. But we MUST accept that abuse is abuse, no matter where it originates or what the motivation is. The bottom line is that an avoidant attachment IS unhealthy and it is not their partner's responsibility to accommodate unhealthy attachment styles. It is not our job to "crack codes". We are not responsible for their trauma.
Yes, a woman can be avoidantly attached. So often men are categorised as avoidant and women as anxious. So glad that you aknowledge that women can be avoidant. Not broken, just adapted.
@@lizardluminals9324 ….ask questions, they will make themselves apparent quite quickly. Then of course you have to be able to walk away. That’s the discipline. That’s not so easy because you’re often already attracted at that point. You also have to have been through the pain of having been with one, suffering through the emotional unavailability and been discarded by one before you’ll be strong enough to avoid the avoidant, especially since they can be very appealing at the start. Particularly if you’re empathic as that’s a marriage made in hell !!
So good to see I'm not alone in this type of situation. Im a confident guy always have been, but falling in love with a woman like this can blur your boundaries and, over time, erode your confidence. Trust it's a long road back if this woman discards you. I changed a lot of bad behaviors and really improved myself for this woman but like the democrats, I went too far left and lost myself.
If they aren't showing a willingness to work on it, save yourself a lot of time and effort by moving on. It's incredibly difficult to do, but you may save yourself years of your life
Yeah i got stuck in that dance, she ended up blocking me because i couldnt comprehend what she was doing. It seemed very shallow and she just wanted me to give up. She then turned to off putting strategies which didnt work. I love this girl. She blocked me and there’s nothing i can do but learn and get better. I just wish shes doing what in doing. Self development……
Been there man. I didn't understand the whole pullback at the time and got blocked. She ended up unblocking me after 3 months and reached out. Took another month or so before we were in regular daily communication again. Been almost 6 months since and have dealt with her pullbacks with ease.
If you don't need to be in the relationship (kids, dogs, cats...) find a different partner if you are interested in a loving relationship. You are worth more, and have more important things to do, than dealing with her crap. Not toxic, just honesty.
@@lesliebean4594 Anxious attachment comes from a deep wound and can cause just as many issues as avoidant. The dynamics at play here equally go both ways and feed off of each other. As someone who's anxious in the process of healing his attachment style and recognizing my role in the problem, I'm so sick of the dehumanizing language about avoidants. These are from people who can't take accountability for their own wounds. They smother others and project the blame on to them. Someone with a secure attachment style wouldn't make those kinds of comments.
@@bradleex22people have loved and cherished avoidants only to have their years of relationship investment turned off like a light switch. It’s hard not to dehumanize people who throw love in the trash because of a whim or a change of heart that just may arise from an off day. I genuinely though feel deep sadness for avoidants and truly love to meet the ones who are taking accountability and willing to learn and change.
@@bradleex22 Secures can be pushed to anxious attachment style by a DA.. now thats diabolic. Let's be honest; a person with DA will definitely make you feel less worthy in a relationship whatever attachment you have.
I was with an avoidant partner for 4 years as an anxious partner, and she emotionally cheated on me after telling me she lost feelings for the relationship. I should have made it easier for both of us and organised a break up, but I held on more desperately and put up with some toxic hell. I've learnt from this, but healing is so hard. I'm addicted to thinking about and communicating to her.
I did my best to give my partner space. I told her that if she needed someone to talk to, I was there to listen and I really, really cared. Her response was “I don’t NEED anyone.” Then she blocked me. It has been months and the only conclusion I can come to is that she chose independence over me. I think a lot of these tips involve simple and clear communication while maintaining space, but if you are in a situation where your partner shuts down or breaks under their pressures, especially if it’s early in a relationship, there might not be anything you can do. Hopefully you are lucky enough to have a partner who is emotionally mature enough to communicate and who doesn’t resort to cutting people out of their life. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully devote myself to anyone in that way ever again.
@@alfvred7969 same happened to me, at least we can take solace in the fact that we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and have good relationships with people.
I'm an extreme case of an avoidant woman and you understand someone like me more than I do myself. Everything you've said was 100% true and it helped me so much. I know I'm very hard to handle for my very emotional husband and need to work on myself, I just didn't know where to start. This helps a lot! Thx
I'm an anxious attatcher and those four beliefs are all things I've said to myself, but the difference is that I very much wanted to solve that pain with being a being ABLE to trust someone safe
WALK AWAY. Being in relationship with an avoidant is: 1. Lacking in self-love. YOU deserve a good relationship, but its not guaranteed. You have tj be patient enough to wait for the right woman. 2. Lacking in love for her. Its expecting her to change, which she may never do and furthermore z is robbing hwr of the opportunity to grow. She is not broken; she has an adaptation that served her (and this applies to guys equally) in childhood, but no longer does. SHE needs to do the work, not have a doormat to walk all over or a post to lean on. He or she needs fo experience the consequences of their actions. Without this, it is rare to see change. Do both of you a favor: move on
I have watched videos for 3 weekends now from my avoidance love of my life ghosting me for almost the whole weekend. And I mean NOTHING has come close to explaining it like you just did. And I'm extremely guilty of doing everything you just said not to do because that's how I am wired. I just shared your video with her in a last ditch effort or hail Mary to save our relationship. I know she has a good heart. I just didn't know how to be the man that she needed. And in turn I constantly reinforced her beliefs which caused her to "run". Thank you so much. Now let's hope she actually will watch it and reach back out to me.
Today my avoidant lady friend said I need to figure out what I want in the relationship…I needed this video it’s actually helping me to get a better sense of what I want to say and how. Thank you 🙏
So many men have told me, "i really really care, tell me all about whats going on", but weeks or days later its all thrown in my face, used against me, put downs, and smear campaigns😢
The healthy response is, to see, that your sharing was not the problem, the other person is. You could also see it from an egoistical standpoint as a win win. 1) I show up authentically and share my emotions (which won t stay in my body and actually start to damage it--> life expectancy/quality of avoidant is actually reduced) 2) The other person shows me his/her true face much earlier! ....
Constructive criticism isn't him throwing crap in your face it's him trying to help the woman he loves and you're taking it as an assault on your person. If you can realize that his critiques are meant to open a helpful healing dialogue you'll do a lot better.
The problem is not that it is used against you. It's that you are hurting the men you are seeking comfort from and it breaks their trust and they see you flip flopping and betraying them.
This is the first time i've been so anxiously attached in a relationship, i don't know if she is a catalyst or rather i've always been like this and only seeing it now, but she is basically almost everything you spoke of in my eyes.
This video is just great! It helps me understand that the woman I'm seeing is an avoidant woman. I experienced almost every example that you mentioned and it was scary accurate. I love it that there is a way to reach for her and handle her correctly, instead of giving up on her And I love that you taught us that. I hope it will help me improve my relationship with this girl, because I truly care about her and be the "savior" type for her I guess. basically I just want to have a successful relationship with her and I might know how now. Thank you!
100%. All my father trauma was from watching how my dad treated my mom. I learned I had to be perfect in order to receive love from my dad. Most of my trauma is watching how my family treated each other. I’m still single at 45. Finally in therapy to deal with all this, since I didn’t realize any of this was an issue until all my relationships started falling apart. I always thought my childhood was normal.
Your videos have been so helpful to me recently and I’m really hoping it says my relationship by learning the things that you are teaching. Me and my girlfriend are currently separated because things got pretty bad in our relationship and I did not create an emotionally safe environment for her. She is an avoidant and the I’m an anxious and so much of your videos resonate with our relationship. I hope it’s not too late to implement these changes.
Advice like this doesn't work because you can't regulate someone else's nervous system for them. And you can keep giving them space until the cows come home, but there are many, many anecdotes of relationships becoming untenable because one partner wants to tsee the other once a month or every two months, which isn't really a relationship. Saying, "Give them more space and let them come to you when they want!" is like saying "Btw, don't have any expectations that anything will happen". You're not 'getting better' by being fine with that behaviour.
Avoidant women are very strange ones and they act act hardcore contraintuitive and abnormal way. Problem is, they themselves never see any problem with it. They think they are super and all others are stupid, weak, pointless, evil.
I agree with you. Thats an emotionally immature woman. We don't have to deal with that. If you address it and she doesn't change, leave her. So many mature women to date in this world
I am just healing from a nasty breakup and a ton of pain separating from a fearful avoidant, who on one hand showed heavy anxiety and neediness for emotional (and real world support) while also “needing space and space and more space” while refusing to relate. Now, as much as it might be fun trying to assist an avoidant some things are pretty simple: relationships REQUIRE relating. Neither the anxious nor the avoidant are safely attached yet, the anxious bring the ability TO RELATE in a RELATionship. This is also the reason why avoidant get more heat than the anxious because they REQUIRE awareness about their state in order to address it. If all those basic ground rules aren’t set, you’re screwed. No chance I could’ve even watched this video with her… so, I love the tips and tricks and all, but none of this works if the avoidant or even anxious avoidant doesn’t have the capacity or ability to work on anything…
Dude, you hit this on the head. I have never been able to find any videos to address my issue. My wife is an avoidant and I’ve been trying to figure out how I can get to connect with her. We’ve been married 22 years and still working on it, but I think you finally gave me some key information that can make us create Headway and I believe she is open to it
Hey bro, I can understand the situation you're in since I am dating an avoidant right now. Brother to brother, I would really appreciate it if you let me know if that worked for you. At times like these, it's good to have a chat with people who we can relate with. How's it going?
Wow, great advice Connor, thank-you! I just lost a relationship with an avoidant woman. I suspect that she's a rare one, fiercely independant and feels stifled by too much contact. Likes to live in her house, garden, do pottery, walk her dogs, and have a relationship with a very long tether, or no tether at all. She found me clingy, and I didn't see myself that way, I was definitely trying to escalate the frequency of our time spent together. We shared int8macy, which was great, but after six weeks of me trying to spend more time with her, and expressing myself honestly in terms of what I needed in the relationship, she tapped out.
“I want to hear about it, tell me when you are ready to talk about it” Excellent wording. It gives us avoidants time to come up with a plausible lie to get you off the scent but keep you happy.
Very informative video. I instantly recognized my flaws while listening to your advices, and boy, I did everything I was not supposed to... It's a pity I haven't figured her attachment out earlier. Thanks a lot!
I appreciate this is the first video to explain this while at the same time providing solutions. Very true in description and the solutions have worked
Please make more content on dealing with avoidant women, especially reconnecting (we had agreed to take some space apart before reconnecting). It was my first time encountering an avoidant and i didn't know how to handle it, but after watching this it makes sense
@@darshjoshi4316 We had only been on a few dates so it was difficult to really read her feelings. I ended up reaching out to her saying "Hey hope you've been well. No rush or pressure at all as I want to respect your space - just wanted to let you know I'm here to talk if you ever need. Take care, hope you've been happy and healthy". She responded immediately saying she wasn't interested. I left her message on seen It's been a massive ego crush cos i've never met a woman like this before (personality) and in beauty too, so it was hard for me to understand how to cope with it. But I understand in the long term it'd be too difficult to sustain a relationship with her because conflict resolution skills are paramount for a successful healthy relationship.
Wow, this is my marriage(11 years on the 29th of this month), we have two boys. We are in a really bad spot right now, and I wish I had known all this earlier. I dont know how to deal with these scenarios when they arise. My wife hasnt said a word to me for the last three days. She has really retrieved into her shell, and I feel so bad about it, and my anxiety won't give me peace. I dont know how to bring her back. She's a cold boulder right now. I was definitely taking up way too much emotional space, and I pushed her away....again. we've been here many times. I already apologised to her, and I told her, "I am your husband, I love you, and I understand you want space, but you dont need to be so distant." I feel sadness for my wife because she is an amazing woman. I just am not properly equipped to sustain this relationship by my self until she realises what she needs to work on. We are both broken. I would apreciate any advice on what to do in this situation right now.
Tell her that you want to do couples therapy with an attachment specialist. She may get really, really cold and gaslight the hell out of you. But do it. And hold to what you want. You CAN work on your attachment style and core wounds - but if she doesn't see the need to change and work on things - it will be doomed. And endless hamster wheel of emotional neglect and coldness from her.
She needs a cool off period, leave her alone. The more you try to use logic and reasoning, the more she'll resist. When she is in the state, its best to let her calm down by giving space cause that's how she been programmed. After about a week, she may be more opened to talking but only talk about the small things, a little each time and spread it out doe days so she doesn't become emotionally and mentally triggered with anger by it. These kind of people are extremely hard to deal with, you need to be an expert knowledge of attachment styles do know how to deal with these types of women or else you will feel you're always walking on egg shells, not knowing when she will crack again. They can be easily triggered by certain conversations, they tend to let things build up then blow up on you rather than conflict resolution at the begining or at the smallest occurrence. Like a balloon, easier to deflate some air if always letting it out but these people tend to hold it all in and wait till it pops. Give her space then tell her you like to talk and work out your indifference or conflict to make both feel better and to improve your relationship for a better future. After giving some time, tell her to tell you/notify you when she is ready to open up again. I am with someone like this, the 1st 7 years i didn't knew exactly what's wrong with her but knew she was much different than many women i dated in the past. She's most challenging to be with but since I invested so much time, i tried to learn why isnshe like this. Took after 7 years to figure it out with a therapist. There's still tons of work needed but my advice is a start for those that are looking for some guidance. Would i date one like this again if i had to relive life again? Most likely not. It's too much emotional strain.
A woman here. It's a woman's responsibility to heal her wound. I have C-PTSD after experiencing numerous threatening situations (some of them were really terrible, trust me). I a know I would love a man, who would be "safe person" to me, who would encourage me to become stronger, who would have faith in me, and who would understand what shaped me. BUT! I don't want a man to become my therapist or a nanny. I have a lot to offer, despite of what happen to me, or maybe because of it. And I cannot understand why men prefer to date difficult, unavialable women. Trauma is not an excuse to be difficult to a partner. Also, please, don't overestimate the impact of trauma. It usually impacts very specific area(s) in one's life. Trauma doesn't equal "unavailability"!!! I myself am very easy going, I like people, trust them in a reasonable way. I have a part of my Self deeply destroyed by trauma, but I am working on it actively. I also know quite a few unavailable women, who are nothing but attention seekers. That is all about, folks. It may sound brutal, but I had to end one friendship for that reason. My "best friend" had an universal excuse to make the world revolve around HER. And I could never understand, why men chase her like crazy. Of course as long as they get to know her enough to see her selfishness and constant drama. I realized that all her relationships fail for one reason - she wants men to adapt to her needs, so she doesn't need to leave her comfort zone. And by the way, she expects her friends to treat her in the same way. Such women need therapy, not a relationship. As long as they can't be fully present in a relationship, they will nothing but do the emotional damage to a man. Such men believe, later on, that all women are awful ,users, unavailable and toxic.... and they lose trust in decent women. There's a risk they may become unavailable themselves. No man can heal a woman. If your caring, warm, safe presence in her life isn't to her a healing factor per se (it's more less like that for many women with PTSD for example), then she needs a therapy. Women with trauma need sense of safety to heal themselves. If you dated me, I would tell you what I need, what I am afraid of, I might feel insecure about how you would perceive me and my limitations, yet I would be fully emotionally available to you. I would be supportive, honest, I wouldn't manipulate you, you would feel safe with me, because I know how much is safety important. You wouldn't have to read in my mind. You would know I sometimes have panic attacks, I suffer from attacks of extreme fear, and that your calm, loving presence is ENOUGH to help me to overcome it. In such states I don't behave like crazy. I just experience terrifying fear and I feel dizzy. People who saw me in such states easily got used to them as something normal. And you know what? That's a massive healing factor to me. In their presence I rarely have these unpleasant moments of dread. The love to invite me and cherish my presence. And vice versa. That's how available + C-PTSD looks like. Women who are unavailable lack capacity to take responsibility for their part of a relationship. They have a massive issues with control. They believe that once you are too much involved in them, you will take control over their lives completely. They want to be the one in full control. So basically they do to other what they themselves dread. That may stem from some sort of trauma, sure. But such behaviour is selfish, immature and toxic , no matter what. Sorry for such a long comment. I just want to make you, guys, aware, that available people may suffer from severe trauma, and still ...be available.
I love your videos. They are informative and not judgmental. From someone who actually does acknowledge and want to improve myself I appreciate how you approach these videos from both perspectives. Do you have any videos on Anxious-Avoidant attachment styles? While I am definitely an avoidant in many traits I feel like I’m a bit of both….. sounds like the perfect storm 🫤
As a widowed guy I’ve become pretty stoic and took a lot of scrutiny to find a woman I was willing to talk to. The one who I was really attracted to had so many of the wonderful qualities I liked in a woman and she even wasn’t as attractive as I would like but she was so sweet and we actually were classmates in high school and had alot of similar interests and I thought we could be perfect for one another as we were both widowed. Her Adult Son’s wanted her to find someone and they really like me but every time the conversation got to the point where I felt I could lean in and comment that we should try to make a go of it together she would totally shut down and end communication. Only to start up a week or so later and would build up again to the point where there was no other option than to say the obvious that we would be perfect for each other then she would shut down again and go dark. I just got so tired of it and quit communicating with her cause it seems like it will go nowhere and I don’t feel like chasing this woman. Even if she came out at this point and said she was ready to move to the next level with me I would decline….I’m done.
So…my x literally didn’t want to cuddle EVER. After being intimate she ran out of the room to answer work emails while I was literally getting dressed. Couldn’t touch her while we were sleeping in bed together. She never texted me good morning. She was the first to say I Love You yet would cringe when I would say it at night to her. She told me she left every guy she was ever with. And guess what? She left me after we had a great relationship and things were awesome. Just woke up one day and decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore. These people will leave a wake of emotional destruction behind them and then complain that they are not getting enough space. I’m sorry but I will Never put up with this again.
Don’t do it. In my experience, “avoidant” just means “not interested”. She will just resent you the longer it goes on since she will always think she can do better. Better to just end it.
Spare yourself the damage and don't do it, you'll save yourself from losing yourself If someone wants you, they will put in the effort instead of some toxic push/pull stuff
Being in a relationship with a woman like this for 6 years and having her not care a bit about working on it destroyed my mental health, self-confidence, and look on life. It was awful to be neglected when all I wanted was connction.
Thank you, very helpful advise. I find your take on attachment styles very spot on. I am a fearful avoidant woman with a mainly secure partner. its been tough for both of us but we apply some of the tools already and we are making progress ( 2,5 years in not linving together) If both are willing you can grow towards more happyness and togetherness. I must say the credit, that we are still together goes to my partner, it took me so long to trust, but he stayed solid committed. It took me a while to understand, what is going on with me and how to start to adress it. Thank you for your work, it will help many people.
now i understand. a girl i dated really liked me and did her best for me. after our 2nd date where we kissed, she distanced herself and told me she need space, but i misintepret it. i chased and pursued her, that only pushed her more off and we both triggered us even more. now im blocked everywhere since 1 month. guys, dont chase them. learn from my mystake.
I'm pretty reticent to listen to any advice on how to 'manage' a relationship with an avoidant of any sort - particularly a female one. (They tend to be fearful, which is a bag of disaster) The general psych literature on this stuff is pretty clear - they typically do not change and what little change that might occur takes a very, very long time. And as a general rule, if you are dating an avoidant female you are likely a more anxious male capable of empathy and self sacrifice (or else you'd be long gone). This isn't a great place to be, either. Your efforts will be ultimately unappreciated and/or perceived as manipulative. You will be punished in the long run. They will resent you. They will have no respect for you. They will lie to you. Having empathy is a great trait but I think in these cases it is most healthy to remove yourself from a situation where your needs are not being met and come to the hard realization that they will likely never be. Save that empathy for someone who understands and appreciates it for the treasure that it is. Furthermore there is significant evidence to demonstrate that avoidants will cheat. They do this for a bunch of reasons, but validation or immediate gratification or the relief of having a need met without the pressure of an actual relationship are the general ones. They can shut off the parts of their brain that are responsible for feelings and operate, robot-like, in whatever fashion they so choose. Downright creepy. You'll find a lot of these types working as first responders, particularly nurses. It's a useful trait to have if you must witness horrible things and then go carry on about your day as if nothing has happened. So keep in mind that if you continue to advance relationships with these types of people, these are the risks. The push/pull cycle is chemically addictive, so leaving hardly comes to mind. But once you're out of it reality sets in and you realize that there is absolutely nothing healthy about a relationship with those characteristics and it is quite possible to piss away valuable years of your life vying for someone's attention who cannot give it. If you happen to find the rare one who is making actual progress with a therapist, walk guarded and slowly. Be aware that they are often master manipulators (subconsciously) and unless you're onto them from the start they'll have you wrapped around their finger. They'll manipulate their therapists, friends, etc. They'll get triggered and flip out of the blue even if everything is great (especially if everything is great) years into the relationship. They are not stable people, but rather scarred children who are more intent upon acting out their childhood trauma on an unwitting partner than looking to free themselves from their it. The childhood wound is obscured by a big burly ego that literally blocks any sort of self reflection or self awareness. Very low reflective function in avoidants. Look into the literature yourself if you don't believe me. How do I know this? I dated a fearful one for a mere two months. It was the most disorienting thing I've ever experienced. Got out, got my head screwed back on straight and listened/read/researched for many months in an attempt to understand WTF just happened to me. Very illuminating. Choose wisely, boys. I'm lucky that my 'encounter' only took a relatively short time out of my life and did not cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars as it has others. Sex was good though - thats the problem.
Fearful avoidant/disorganised is a tiny subset of people and most of them have personality disorders, especially borderline. Straight avoidant is not like that
@@Joel-uv5tg I agree. He described a borderline (especially the good sex 😂) but he's right about a couple of things.. he's lucky to have figured it out in 2 months. It's scarring for sure. Goodluck.
if they refuse to take accountability, if they see you as the single reason to why the relationship is on shaky ground, if they will never listen sensibly, if they never want to work on things… Then yes, they’re essentially Sadness from Inside Out or Eeyore. They’re broken. Leave it for themselves to sort it out. You can’t control someone else.
Man I swear you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how she is. Unfortunately it's too late I did not realize. I am a anxious attachment and apparently she is a avoidant woman lol. You talk about a nightmare. We met very young and stayed together for quite a long period of time. And what you're saying about wanting to pull this person out I've been trying to do for almost 20 plus years. I wasn't happy quite a bit of time however I didn't want to be lonely I realized that now so I continued. And you are also correct I carried a significant amount of the emotion in the relationship. The only thing I don't understand is you would think over 20 years she would have finally opened up. I know her upbringing well I know what was done to her and I know how she feels however I was unable to continue that relationship I sometimes wish I didn't have children with her looking back now. But I wish I seen this video a long time ago.
if you could go back and show yourself this video at the start of your relationship and give yourself some advice, what would you say? leave before it's too late? or there are ways to do it better?
@saidakil7033 you know I thought about that after watching this video. However knowing what I know I would still choose to leave. Obviously everybody knows women are more emotional than men. Having said that trying to navigate this specific type of personality is too dangerous in my opinion when you have children involved. She was a great person however, I couldn't guarantee taking this information he has provided and applying it to the relationship that something else wouldn't change. As I speak right now the kids are having the same issues that I was having now that we are apart. It is extremely difficult to explain this to a 9 and 11-year-old. With that said, no I would not be involved with this type of character.
@ good to know, I am going through it with an avoidant woman right now, my feelings for her are so strong and i’ve never felt this way about anyone else, she can’t even recognise her emotions for me, I can tell that she DOES have feelings for me but she won’t tell me how she feels, any type of conflict or tough conversation is too hard and triggers her into avoidance for 2-3 days. Right now I feel like I could hold out a while longer, try to get close to her which i know take a long time and then try to help get into a healthier place or I could just leave and find someone else. I am torn
@saidakil7033 you are exactly where I was and I understand exactly what you're saying. I once told her she would have to destroy me before I could break away. I struggle for years and she finally did. I sucked really bad at first. Not going to lie. But now I truly do regret not doing it earlier. We tried therapy but that was short lived on her side. She pretty much closed up and disregard the therapist's suggestions. I'll leave you with this " if she wanted to she would, if not then she won't" you will not change that. At this point her mind is made up. You have a extremely hard decision to make.
I didnt realize I was fearful avoidant for many years. I also supsect autistic/ADHD. It also depended on who I was with whether the anxious preoccupied or avoidant side came out. It wasn't until I dealt with a dismissive that I could remember my avoidant behaviors. The way I engaged men was straight up narcisistic. I was VERY dysfunctional and destructive. I needed to revisit the traits to see how far I've come. I had a controlling grandmother and inadvertently neglectful family. Being with an avoidantan has helped me see the damaged left in my wake. Moving more toward secure if not already. Solitude is my preference, but I save that inner world for a specific man. I suggest not getting involved if you know she has someone in her heart or memory. You will not transcend it. Give the energy to yourself.
Absolutely striking because this is my exact situation. Unfortunately, we just broke up a week ago. I want to figure out how to save the relationship. She is exaclty what you described. An avoidant who has a father who abused and continues to abuse the mother. I started no contact after she broke up with me because i refused to stay in a silent treatment situation that was lasting a few weeks. Now I'm thinking to reach out.
I am avoidant woman and it has nothing to do with "I can only rely on myself" I pull back every time I have feeling that I am not loved back. I do step forvard he is not reciprocated back, I pull away. Easy to explain - it is a deep fear of not being loved, and yes it is childhood trauma. You are not getting rejecting if you not even trying. There is an anxious basis under it, and it became so strong that you are predicting trouble and simpy managing the damage before it happens by not asking for love, not going there, not trying or pretend to not trying (but being extremely anxious inside)
The vitriol around the avoidant is wholly justified. If they bring their broken selves to another heart with no care for the damage they can cause it deserves all the ire it gets. Notice those who say avoidant don't deserve this were 'once' avoidant but are now 'secure'. First thing i did in my new relationship was to quiz for avoidant tendencies and i can't express how much more free, secure, safe, cared for and about, valued, cherished and clear i feel. Do yourselves a favour. Find what you deserve. Stop trying to change the way you want to love.
If avoidants feel interrogated, scrutinized, observed, etc. They will shut down and most likely not open to you again easily. Active listening without too many questions is a good strategy, as well as letting them do whatever they want when ehey go out for example. Just be like "cool, have fun!" And believe me, they will send pics and tell you who rhey're with, where they are, etc. on their own
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Yea ! From experience. The moment you spot them. Runnnnn!! Don't ever deal with these women, you'll put yourself self in misery with these women and the longer you stay, the longer you delay the process to end it . 😅
Can confirm. The dance is addicting. The trick is to stay about one step behind her and stay present in the moment. If you pour everything into her you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt.
Can you give some specific examples?
@@Persephone44pretty straight forward
@@Persephone44 Like what?
Gave my -exfiancé everything -- poured everything into her -- and I am the total package, she wanted for nothing. As soon as I put up healthy boundaries to her toxic controlling and neediness she discarded me and disappeared. You do have to move slower than them and let them prove they truly want to be with you. It was my fault giving her that much without her ever proving she was a woman of that quality.
i mean...this sounds exhausting. Walking on egg shells is not a way to live. These relationship dynamics only work if both parties are aware and work at it to get to a secure point in each of the individuals, and then the relationship
I've watched all of your videos on Anxious and Avoidant... This is BEYOND eye opening... .I am 100% the anxious attached and my wife is the avoidant... and we have both been doing EVERYTHING 100% wrong for each other.... I just hope and pray it's not too late to try to remedy and fix our relationship, or lack thereof.
1. Start communicating your needs that you keep secret / afraid to say.
2. Ask yourself what you are not giving in your relationship. Whats missing?
3. Be willing to confront and have conflict / argue to get what you want.
4. Dont let conflict linger.. repair the problem by reconnection.
5. Tell (do not ask) your partner to talk about their feelings / day.
6. Give thanks / appreciation instead of criticism to get attention.
7. Give clear directions of your wants and needs expectations.
8. Dont chase her. Instead invite and create oppurtunities for touch.
Love the clarity of this! Are you able to provide examples of how to "invite/create opportunities"?
@@dseve9 it was like pulling a tooth to take a break & get her to lay down for just a few minutes to share a kiss.. 5 minutes passed & she asked how to end the meeting already getting too sleepy wives get bored of their husbands after 45 menopause starts & they get amnesia of how they used to kiss you but dont be triggered just be supportive & keep asking / inviting to come lay down politely. Kindness and patience will win the avoidant over as the more they say no the more they feel obligated to invite you to do something else than have affection (by saying yes to that offer youll get a yes to yours later). Google movies / tv series & find one that you both like, offer a walk, go shopping, hiking, bike ride, art gallery, or gardening together etc during the activities make subtle not forceful contact to rekindle the attraction avoidants are turned on by your interest in them they never chase & dont want to be trapped so its a fine line to success be available & also its okay to do the same things regularly to get them to open up. Most importantly Never complain that they are unavailable / preoccupied instead make yourself appear that way but always be emotionally & physically prioritizing their company if they are interested “just offering” is the attitude act like it doesnt matter even when it hurts like hell that they refuse.
@NINJED1 This works on Secures really well. On hard-core Avoidants, this sends them running.
@@NINJED1 or just date a normal undamaged woman and not have to deal with all of these hurdles/
You've described my 10 year relationship, which felt like a hundred years. Not worth it to invest in this. I tear up now whenever a girl I'm dating is emotionally or physically expressive and giving, like this is something I knew was possible, and I needed it really badly. Let the avoidant do most of the work, and want to actually heal.
@victorivri share the work ❤her work is to heal and yours is to understand and see the healing. Expecting her to do all the work is unrealistic and you’ll wait another 100yrs. She needs your trust and support ❤
Here's a more simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!
You want a Mommy. Weak ass man.
@@RyanPs3gamer123 agree. i regret it.
Rule 1: Don't.
Rule 2: Refer to Rule 1.
(YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
God has better for you than a rubix cube in human form.
Love to all the good men.
Even the worst avoidants have more love in their hearts than the person who posts dehumanizing garbage like this
Here's a simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!
Ha, I can solve a Rubik's cube
It's like willingly walking into a minefield.... Or worse, a Diddy party.
First of all, how do you know if she had an avoidant attachment style, or is simply not that into you?
Second, and more importantly: why the fuck should you care either way?
The outcome is going to be the same.
Don't invest time and energy into people who aren't enthusiastically reciprocating
@@angmori172 As if anxious clingy attachment is not just as damaging. People with secure attachment styles may not invest so much energy into avoidants. But they sure as hell don't dehumanize them and compare them to narcissists or worse pedophiles.
Maybe you should do some self-reflection but judging by your comment there's a high likelihood you don't have the ability to do that.
This is great advice. I'm an avoidant woman, realized it and have been trying to heal for about 2.5 years now. I'm now in a committed relationship, 1 year in, and we live together. Healing takes time and a lot of uncomfortable work, but its totally possible and worth it. I'm not 100% and will still find myself falling into avoidant thoughts and tendencies, but I've come soooo far.
My man has been the biggest part of my healing. Moving into someone else's space, allowing them to support me, and sharing my feelings has been such a challenge but so transformative. I always have had such a fear of being a burden, physically and/or emotionally. My BF also made it clear to me what he expects, and also that I can mess up and that he's not going to leave me for it. I think a lot of avoidant people fear that if we share our feelings we will be burdensome to our partner and it may be taken wrong and then we will be rejected or not loved because of it.
One question, do you have any insights on how do we create space for the avoidant partner to share without putting pressure on them? I'd appreciate any help. Thanks a lot!
@@johnny_rootslet them know how much you love them and that you want them to share more, because you want to grow that love and to love them even better. Make it super clear that their shares and that you supporting them does not make them a burden, but rather a blessing. When they do share make sure to thank them, give them some praise and let them know how important it was for you and how that makes you feel loved and closer to them.
Reaction is super important too. I hesitate to share because of fear of being a burden but also because i fear a negative response. Make sure to respond with openness, acceptance, and love. Try your best to be a stable grounded force for them.
@@johnny_rootsavoidant here. for me a tricky balance of self-respect, confidence and extension or care and support.
a specific example: i’m fiercely independent and one way my partner (now of 10+ years) earned my trust was creating solutions to our financial entanglements so we could move in together but had very clear boundaries, contracts, shared expenses, etc.this made me feel both independent and able to be in partnership. knowing he had healthy boundaries and wouldn’t just swoop in and save me (i’m an anti damsel-in-distress) made me respect him MORE.
he helped my by sharing his knowledge, connections and always being there physically and emotionally without creating any weird savior dynamic.
Eventually over the years we have helped each other through small things and then bigger things and I’m now able to accept his help without triggering my entanglement phobia.
@@rachelworthing6863 amazing, that was super helpful! 🙌🏽 I can work with that. Thanks a million
@@mariab.gonzalez6130what helped me heal was actually just working on my relationship and communication skills. At the time I was living in Asheville and they had local community events called 'authentic relating' where I was put into different conversations and relational situations. This helped me learn to practice speaking, sharing my feelings and what's was going on inside me, how to hold someone's gaze, and even learning what my boundaries where and how to speak them. This practice with the other participants felt 'easier' because I didn't know them really, it felt more safe to practice being open and vulnerable with people that didn't know me well.
I then took these skills and used them in my dating life. A few months later I entered a committed relationship, and then really got to practice what I'd learned.
I found that what I needed to heal was putting myself into relational experiences (romantic and otherwise) that forced me to slowly open up and move away from my avoidant behavior. I will note that in my dating life and even with my friends I let them all know I was avoidant and healing and that my healing had to happen within connection. So basically I made sure everyone around me was on board. I didn't want anyone to have any surprises. I made sure they all knew what to expect, so that no one felt as though I was using them to heal.
I just came out of this relationship with an Avoidant lady. Everything that you say and I mean everything is correct. You are incredibly perceptive. I was a securish attachment style before the rollercoaster ride has pushed me to a more anxious disposition. Working to get back to me. Thanks, great channel and delivery. Well done
I ended the relationship with an avoidant woman early this month. A sense of relief I felt and peace of mind.
I dated an avoidant woman earlier this year, and I cracked the code. I walked away.
Honestly it’s either this or put up with their shit 🤷♂️
😅😂😂
Bet she was relieved to see the back of you
@@joygibbons5482Spoken like a true avoidant. Get help, or have all quality men continue walk away from you.
@@joygibbons5482 it’s alright, she’ll just grow old, alone and miserable.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Akunna, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father akunna, he has great powers, he can help you.
I appreciate you providing this important information; I've just checked Father Akunna online, and wow, he's really genuine. Thank you so much again ❤
The algorithm just showed me this after 6 months of watching other great UA-cams on attachment. You are the first one to do clearly address the anxious man avoidant woman. Thank you. Thank you!
Thanks so much man!
I am an avoidant woman and this was very helpful for me.
You're the devil 😈
Same. Appreciation and gratitude go a long way, as does NOT ignoring an avoidant. Being available and letting me know you're there, and appreciating my efforts to bond go a long way. One thing he said that really resignated with me is when we share something we want to do, take the opportunity as a bonding moment. I remember the canceled plans and disinterest in my interests. That builds up and definitely contributes to the resentfulness avoidants feel in the end. But, ultimately, it's the space left without communicating that ends the relationship. He said 24 to 48 hours max to seek resolution of conflict and that's 100% true.
Same! I see so much of myself in this, I just didn't know what to do and how to fix it. I really do care and want to change.
@@jennyjugs13good to hear that you want to change. I have bin in a relationship with one for 20 years. She could not handle an argument. I was met zero tollerance and no selfreflection. I was allways to blame and no argument was ever resolved. My wounds run to deep now and I don't want to get burned ever again. 😢 it ended 2 weeks ago and everything I learn now about attachment relationship will be for the next one.
@@sibanoo I'm sorry to hear that, it's awful. Take care of yourself and you'll be okay. ((Hug))
Cracking the code means identifying her as quickly as possibly as an avoidant and then using the first legit excuse that comes along to end the relationship (don't worry - she'll give you one very quickly). Congrats, you've cracked the code to self preservation.
Hmm very avoidant of you
@@jacobsaenz7050 No, I don't go through the repeating cycles they do. I'm secure slightly leaning anxious, actually.
@@TheHighwinder i agree. anxious and avoidant leaning people should not date or court each other. their needs are too diametrically opposed
@@richardbirch2544unfortunately that's a trap. It's literally called the anxious/avoidant trap. And they will break up to make up perpetually because they feed each other's wounds
@@J-Chi-1517I lean anxious and had an avoidant woman break up with me. I’m happy and now can find someone more suitable.
What I've learned from dealing with this issue with my wife is that it's like communicating with someone that has the emotional intelligence of a child. Tiptoeing and being extremely careful with your tone and the way you phrase your sentences is vital, and it's exhausting. When they fall back into this mode, everything is considered an attack. Then it's shut down, deflect, blame, etc. Your pointers are much appreciated and on point, but I could never show her this video. Me merely mentioning watching this with her with an open mind would send her into a triggered fidgety shutdown state. I've just adapted to taking it like a man and trudging forward for our kids.
She may have BPD or something else involving insecure narcissism.
show it to her. I figured this was me an I am at work trying to hold back tears. But from this moment forward I will put the effort.
When kids are gone dump her on her ass so you can experience a real relationship where someone works for you too.
all we can do in this world is trudge on... godspeed
The bottom line is… THEY have to admit they have unhealed emotional trauma. If not, forget it…
THEY have to want to put in the INNER work of healing that childhood trauma.
Yeah this is all a wonderful idea. The part that's not being mentioned is often the avoidant doesn't have enough self-awareness to be able to even address this
Yep, my avoidant ex had no idea about her own struggles. She couldn't reach into herself to find things to improve, it was all too scary.
@@snaakie yep it's sad and it's true most of them are too chickenshit to face themselves
Here's a more simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!
@@RyanPs3gamer123 REALLY Sherlock? Most of the time you dont even realize whats happening untill your waist deep.
@@RyanPs3gamer123 It's very different to date someone who is aware that they're avoidant to someone who has no idea and is not ready or willing to work on it. As men that is up to us to take responsibility for ourselves and decide if it's worth it or not.
I have made major progress repairing my relationship with a fearful avoidant/bpd partner. I can COMPLETELY vouch for the tips in this video. Very solid.
Do not chase her. Do not try to fix her. Let her have space. Tell her you’re there for when she wants to come to you.
I am anxious, and I was just leaning in, leaning in, leaning in. Why cant I solve this problem???? If that’s what you’re doing-do the opposite. And if that makes her nervous, you can just tell her: Look, I can tell that you need your space sometimes. I’m always here for you. I’m gonna give you that space. Come to me when you want or need to.
yes
That is not fair to you.
@@shadowsbruthernot at all
@@shadowsbruther it may not be healthy for him. But maybe she just needs it for a bit to grow stronger.
@@shadowsbruther maybe so maybe not, but knowing youtube i would get the same response even if i posted “my relationship has been a lot better since I agreed to stop farting on my girlfriend”
This is great advice for women who are aware of their traumas, wounds, and have started a lot of the work on her own. ❤
Too late bro we broke up 2 days ago. I tried so hard, but she only pull away further. Im tired even tho i love her. I hope she can heal some day. Because no matter how much i offered to, she is too unstable, it sad tbh. Thank you for the video
hugs bro, i hope you get better. you deserve better!!!
Hey man, you did everything right. It's not you. I'm in your shoes. They believe that commitment = abandonment and they are constantly thinking that you're too good for them and self sabotaging themselves. They are used to the chaos of emotionally unavailable people like narcissists because those people don't activate their triggers which is literally commitment.
It's mind shattering. Best we can do is let go and let God handle it. It's not their fault for growing up in that environment, but it's their responsibility to heal from it.
The fact that you're still looking at these videos post a video shows how much you care.
Great work
im in the same boat, sadly after the first month of dating she made profiles for dating apps while on a holiday at her best friends country shouldve let her go at that point but i didnt and everything went downhill from that cuz i didnt set up my boundary and shouldve let her go but i was already getting feelings for her and gave her another chance because we were dating i told myself, how stupid i was... now im in NC for 10 days now and its pretty hard because i catched feelings for her in the couple months after trying to fix things and communicate but she was perfecting me and couldnt let me be who i was and the stuff i was working on (so no baggage she had to deal whit) everything else clicked
Fk her she for the streets anyway she bouncing on bbc rn better get that money and sl**t these girls out that’s all they deserve
This is so comforting as an avoidant woman. I realized that I have had the pattern of attempting repair in many relationships, family, friends and dating but was dismissed or shut down by them despite my efforts to open up. I wish I’d had this kind of counselling /education in middle and high school. What a difference in managing my expectations and understanding/communicating my needs in slightly different ways. Despite the woes of social media and its impact on relationship matters, I am so grateful for free access to this solid information on the internet. Thank you!!!!❤
dismissed or shut down "by them" despite my efforts to open up.
Keep in mind
not by them
by yourself
OK?
@@chickenpop1666 ok
Avoidants are afraid to communicate and what looks like an attempt for yourself, may look like nothing to someone else. When you attempted to repair, how did you bring up the problem? Were you direct about it or indirect hoping someone would notice?
It's important because how would your partner even know you're making an attempt if you're not making it clear?
Don't give up.
Working on humility and practicing patience will help a long way.
Well, I'm married to an avoidant woman, while I'm an anxious man, and when I watched this video I saw all that's happening in our lives. Everything you said is true. And I will watch this video more times to enable myself to put it all into practice.
This is my dynamic. She is an avoidant and it is so hard
Man, I recognize that dynamic? What is the hardest part for you in dealing with your partner?
@@nickcsuki8123 The main problem now is that she doesn't want to live in the same house with me. We have lunch together everyday in my house. We spend all sunday together after sunday school and she comes to my house twice every week in the evening, but she still doesn't want to live in the same home. It's not so easy, but it's improving slowly.
@@wolfgangschanner5947 That sounds so rough. Couldn't imagine being in that scenario.
Where I struggle is this: 'Do I love myself enough to accept this? If so, do I prefer letting go or do I want to stay with her. If so, there must be perspective.'
I cannot imagine you are okay with this? Do you use the time you have at hands building/taking care of yourself?
I hope you can make some decisions that help you getting the life you want.
@@nickcsuki8123 Getting out of these troubles is extremely complex. It would be content for a book to describe the chessboard I and my woman live today. Going on like this and have patience with her seems to be the best way to improve life. It's not easy to live together with any woman. So I think trying to live better with my current woman is the best option I now have.
Been married to a beautiful avoidant for 35 years. No infidelity post marriage. This is what has saved us. You really hit me with the “taking too much emotional space” you have nailed this Conner
Totally relate… I am a man that was in a relationship with an avoidant woman, and I did all the things spoken about the other way I around, I couldn’t “save”. Her nor the relationship… I wish I knew all these when we were still in the relationship. Thank you.
Patience. Consistency. Understanding. Love.
Very well said and explained. Its the best explanation so far. As a dismissive avoidant woman who has only become aware of this after my 22 year marriage failed. I could never work out what was going on and intellectually I knew I was pulling away or clamming up. However unfortunately neither of us knew how to deal with this resulting in our divorce two years ago. This video spells it out so clearly and I can tell these are strategies that would work for me. It was great seeing the strategies for both partners yoo. My ex though it was my problem and therefore I should fix it. Resulting in me diving back into my protective mechanism even further. I didn't want to but couldn't figure out how to stop or understand what I was doing. 😢 I have learnt so much more over the last few years thanks to videos like these. Thank you for the clarity and suggestions, its really appreciated - from a dismissive avoidant woman.
Great video. DO NOT CHASE is very powerful. Thank you.
My wife is avoidant, anxious, and blind. She relies heavily on me to help her calm down and to get around, but refuses to reciprocate. She says it’s what I get for marrying her, and my problems aren’t her problems. I’d like to hear how easy is it for avoidant attachment to verge into narcissism. She has also fired a dozen therapists and sabotaged our couple’s counciling.
Again, this is really helping me in a lot of ways! ❤
Wow you just crystallized what other channels take dozens of hours to convey, and with useful strategies that are often omitted.
I keep hearing that everything leads back to emotional safety. To make relationship work, only 2 things is needed, stoicism and empathy to women's emotion. Easy said but very difficult to do.
Thank you, brother. I legit was seriously going to give up on an avoidant woman I fell for and she pulled away when emotions were getting to high since I am a protector anxious guy.
We haven’t talked in a month and I am in no contact mode because I am focusing on my purpose. I am giving her space to miss me and potentially reach out to me when I level up ( house, promotion, side business). If she does come back I’ll make sure to implement all the wisdom you’re sharing with me. I am still do my thing till then.
*With avoidant women, patience and emotional stability are key. Rushing or pushing too hard can trigger them to pull away, so creating a safe, non-judgmental space is crucial for building trust over time.*
Man, I tried this and still got cheated on, lied to, etc by my now ex DA GF. Good riddance.
Or they could grow up and get their shit together like the rest of us are expected to
true. did that and she blocked me everywhere. never chase or try to convince an avoidant woman.
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I hear you brother! I loved my avoidant so much! It gets easier w time🙏
*STOP!* Avoidant personalities and attachment styles can and often lead to emotional abuse and manipulation. This isn't a matter of "demonizing" them. This isn't to say that what they're doing is deliberate or intended to cause pain on others. But we MUST accept that abuse is abuse, no matter where it originates or what the motivation is. The bottom line is that an avoidant attachment IS unhealthy and it is not their partner's responsibility to accommodate unhealthy attachment styles. It is not our job to "crack codes". We are not responsible for their trauma.
THIS!
Absolutely
Yes, a woman can be avoidantly attached. So often men are categorised as avoidant and women as anxious. So glad that you aknowledge that women can be avoidant. Not broken, just adapted.
I actually see it as the opposite. Men are usually anxious and women, avoidant.
There are heaps of avoidant women. I’ve avoided three of them myself over the years.
@@cspace1234nz how do you find out they’re avoidant before investing emotionally into them?
@@lizardluminals9324 ….ask questions, they will make themselves apparent quite quickly. Then of course you have to be able to walk away. That’s the discipline. That’s not so easy because you’re often already attracted at that point. You also have to have been through the pain of having been with one, suffering through the emotional unavailability and been discarded by one before you’ll be strong enough to avoid the avoidant, especially since they can be very appealing at the start. Particularly if you’re empathic as that’s a marriage made in hell !!
Or...you know...broken.
So good to see I'm not alone in this type of situation. Im a confident guy always have been, but falling in love with a woman like this can blur your boundaries and, over time, erode your confidence. Trust it's a long road back if this woman discards you. I changed a lot of bad behaviors and really improved myself for this woman but like the democrats, I went too far left and lost myself.
Grow up. You need a Mommy, not a partner. Ridiculous these weak ass needy men.
If they aren't showing a willingness to work on it, save yourself a lot of time and effort by moving on. It's incredibly difficult to do, but you may save yourself years of your life
As a female DA, I thank you for the encouragement! I thought it was hopeless for me to ever be "normal" in a relationship.
Good luck.
Yeah i got stuck in that dance, she ended up blocking me because i couldnt comprehend what she was doing. It seemed very shallow and she just wanted me to give up. She then turned to off putting strategies which didnt work. I love this girl. She blocked me and there’s nothing i can do but learn and get better. I just wish shes doing what in doing. Self development……
Been there man. I didn't understand the whole pullback at the time and got blocked. She ended up unblocking me after 3 months and reached out. Took another month or so before we were in regular daily communication again. Been almost 6 months since and have dealt with her pullbacks with ease.
If you don't need to be in the relationship (kids, dogs, cats...) find a different partner if you are interested in a loving relationship. You are worth more, and have more important things to do, than dealing with her crap. Not toxic, just honesty.
I mean you can tell yourself what you're saying is not toxic all you want
@@bradleex22someone hurt him, clearly. It likely wasn’t “her”.
@@lesliebean4594 Anxious attachment comes from a deep wound and can cause just as many issues as avoidant. The dynamics at play here equally go both ways and feed off of each other. As someone who's anxious in the process of healing his attachment style and recognizing my role in the problem, I'm so sick of the dehumanizing language about avoidants. These are from people who can't take accountability for their own wounds. They smother others and project the blame on to them. Someone with a secure attachment style wouldn't make those kinds of comments.
@@bradleex22people have loved and cherished avoidants only to have their years of relationship investment turned off like a light switch. It’s hard not to dehumanize people who throw love in the trash because of a whim or a change of heart that just may arise from an off day. I genuinely though feel deep sadness for avoidants and truly love to meet the ones who are taking accountability and willing to learn and change.
@@bradleex22 Secures can be pushed to anxious attachment style by a DA.. now thats diabolic. Let's be honest; a person with DA will definitely make you feel less worthy in a relationship whatever attachment you have.
thanks for un-demonising us!!! and really big thanks for helping men/women of other styles understand us :) they can still chase a bit tho! ;)
It’s not only early in life!
You can have an amazing childhood but have negative experiences as an adult that flip a woman into avoidant strategies
I was with an avoidant partner for 4 years as an anxious partner, and she emotionally cheated on me after telling me she lost feelings for the relationship. I should have made it easier for both of us and organised a break up, but I held on more desperately and put up with some toxic hell. I've learnt from this, but healing is so hard. I'm addicted to thinking about and communicating to her.
I did my best to give my partner space. I told her that if she needed someone to talk to, I was there to listen and I really, really cared. Her response was “I don’t NEED anyone.” Then she blocked me.
It has been months and the only conclusion I can come to is that she chose independence over me. I think a lot of these tips involve simple and clear communication while maintaining space, but if you are in a situation where your partner shuts down or breaks under their pressures, especially if it’s early in a relationship, there might not be anything you can do. Hopefully you are lucky enough to have a partner who is emotionally mature enough to communicate and who doesn’t resort to cutting people out of their life. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully devote myself to anyone in that way ever again.
@@alfvred7969 same happened to me, at least we can take solace in the fact that we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and have good relationships with people.
I'm an extreme case of an avoidant woman and you understand someone like me more than I do myself. Everything you've said was 100% true and it helped me so much. I know I'm very hard to handle for my very emotional husband and need to work on myself, I just didn't know where to start. This helps a lot! Thx
I'm an anxious attatcher and those four beliefs are all things I've said to myself, but the difference is that I very much wanted to solve that pain with being a being ABLE to trust someone safe
WALK AWAY. Being in relationship with an avoidant is: 1. Lacking in self-love. YOU deserve a good relationship, but its not guaranteed. You have tj be patient enough to wait for the right woman. 2. Lacking in love for her. Its expecting her to change, which she may never do and furthermore z is robbing hwr of the opportunity to grow. She is not broken; she has an adaptation that served her (and this applies to guys equally) in childhood, but no longer does. SHE needs to do the work, not have a doormat to walk all over or a post to lean on. He or she needs fo experience the consequences of their actions. Without this, it is rare to see change. Do both of you a favor: move on
I have watched videos for 3 weekends now from my avoidance love of my life ghosting me for almost the whole weekend. And I mean NOTHING has come close to explaining it like you just did. And I'm extremely guilty of doing everything you just said not to do because that's how I am wired. I just shared your video with her in a last ditch effort or hail Mary to save our relationship. I know she has a good heart. I just didn't know how to be the man that she needed. And in turn I constantly reinforced her beliefs which caused her to "run". Thank you so much. Now let's hope she actually will watch it and reach back out to me.
Today my avoidant lady friend said I need to figure out what I want in the relationship…I needed this video it’s actually helping me to get a better sense of what I want to say and how.
Thank you 🙏
Say goodbye. Do yourself a favor
Absolutely brilliant man!!! Never seen a more insightful video on relationship dynamics.
Needed that 2.5 years ago. :/
Everything you said is spot on!
So many men have told me, "i really really care, tell me all about whats going on", but weeks or days later its all thrown in my face, used against me, put downs, and smear campaigns😢
The healthy response is, to see, that your sharing was not the problem, the other person is.
You could also see it from an egoistical standpoint as a win win.
1) I show up authentically and share my emotions (which won t stay in my body and actually start to damage it--> life expectancy/quality of avoidant is actually reduced)
2) The other person shows me his/her true face much earlier!
....
Most likely you shut down again and he got frustrated
Constructive criticism isn't him throwing crap in your face it's him trying to help the woman he loves and you're taking it as an assault on your person. If you can realize that his critiques are meant to open a helpful healing dialogue you'll do a lot better.
@@vjbhatia77found the guy who threw it in her face 😆
The problem is not that it is used against you. It's that you are hurting the men you are seeking comfort from and it breaks their trust and they see you flip flopping and betraying them.
This is the first time i've been so anxiously attached in a relationship, i don't know if she is a catalyst or rather i've always been like this and only seeing it now, but she is basically almost everything you spoke of in my eyes.
100 percent catalyst 👍
This video is just great! It helps me understand that the woman I'm seeing is an avoidant woman.
I experienced almost every example that you mentioned and it was scary accurate.
I love it that there is a way to reach for her and handle her correctly, instead of giving up on her
And I love that you taught us that. I hope it will help me improve my relationship with this girl, because I truly care about her and be the "savior" type for her I guess.
basically I just want to have a successful relationship with her and I might know how now.
Thank you!
100%. All my father trauma was from watching how my dad treated my mom. I learned I had to be perfect in order to receive love from my dad. Most of my trauma is watching how my family treated each other. I’m still single at 45. Finally in therapy to deal with all this, since I didn’t realize any of this was an issue until all my relationships started falling apart. I always thought my childhood was normal.
Maybe the most helpful video I've seen yet for my situation. Much appreciated.
Your videos have been so helpful to me recently and I’m really hoping it says my relationship by learning the things that you are teaching. Me and my girlfriend are currently separated because things got pretty bad in our relationship and I did not create an emotionally safe environment for her. She is an avoidant and the I’m an anxious and so much of your videos resonate with our relationship. I hope it’s not too late to implement these changes.
Advice like this doesn't work because you can't regulate someone else's nervous system for them. And you can keep giving them space until the cows come home, but there are many, many anecdotes of relationships becoming untenable because one partner wants to tsee the other once a month or every two months, which isn't really a relationship.
Saying, "Give them more space and let them come to you when they want!" is like saying "Btw, don't have any expectations that anything will happen". You're not 'getting better' by being fine with that behaviour.
Avoidant women are very strange ones and they act act hardcore contraintuitive and abnormal way. Problem is, they themselves never see any problem with it. They think they are super and all others are stupid, weak, pointless, evil.
I agree with you. Thats an emotionally immature woman. We don't have to deal with that. If you address it and she doesn't change, leave her. So many mature women to date in this world
@tomkingg where the hell are the mature women? I know the answer: married already.
@@400BadR3quest@tomkingg where the hell are the mature women? I know the answer: married already.
@@marguskiis7711 some are working on themselves in late age because therapy is 150/-160 a session 50mins 😅
I am just healing from a nasty breakup and a ton of pain separating from a fearful avoidant, who on one hand showed heavy anxiety and neediness for emotional (and real world support) while also “needing space and space and more space” while refusing to relate.
Now, as much as it might be fun trying to assist an avoidant some things are pretty simple: relationships REQUIRE relating. Neither the anxious nor the avoidant are safely attached yet, the anxious bring the ability TO RELATE in a RELATionship. This is also the reason why avoidant get more heat than the anxious because they REQUIRE awareness about their state in order to address it. If all those basic ground rules aren’t set, you’re screwed.
No chance I could’ve even watched this video with her… so, I love the tips and tricks and all, but none of this works if the avoidant or even anxious avoidant doesn’t have the capacity or ability to work on anything…
Dude, you hit this on the head. I have never been able to find any videos to address my issue. My wife is an avoidant and I’ve been trying to figure out how I can get to connect with her. We’ve been married 22 years and still working on it, but I think you finally gave me some key information that can make us create Headway and I believe she is open to it
Hey bro, I can understand the situation you're in since I am dating an avoidant right now. Brother to brother, I would really appreciate it if you let me know if that worked for you. At times like these, it's good to have a chat with people who we can relate with. How's it going?
Currently dating an avoidant woman. More videos on this plssss. Excellent video!
So clear, true and helpful. thank you!
Wow, great advice Connor, thank-you! I just lost a relationship with an avoidant woman. I suspect that she's a rare one, fiercely independant and feels stifled by too much contact. Likes to live in her house, garden, do pottery, walk her dogs, and have a relationship with a very long tether, or no tether at all. She found me clingy, and I didn't see myself that way, I was definitely trying to escalate the frequency of our time spent together. We shared int8macy, which was great, but after six weeks of me trying to spend more time with her, and expressing myself honestly in terms of what I needed in the relationship, she tapped out.
“I want to hear about it, tell me when you are ready to talk about it” Excellent wording. It gives us avoidants time to come up with a plausible lie to get you off the scent but keep you happy.
Typical, weak, despicable
I waited 8 months for her to talk to me. Still nothing...
Very informative video. I instantly recognized my flaws while listening to your advices, and boy, I did everything I was not supposed to... It's a pity I haven't figured her attachment out earlier. Thanks a lot!
I appreciate this is the first video to explain this while at the same time providing solutions. Very true in description and the solutions have worked
Please make more content on dealing with avoidant women, especially reconnecting (we had agreed to take some space apart before reconnecting). It was my first time encountering an avoidant and i didn't know how to handle it, but after watching this it makes sense
How's it going for you bro
@@darshjoshi4316 We had only been on a few dates so it was difficult to really read her feelings. I ended up reaching out to her saying "Hey hope you've been well. No rush or pressure at all as I want to respect your space - just wanted to let you know I'm here to talk if you ever need. Take care, hope you've been happy and healthy".
She responded immediately saying she wasn't interested. I left her message on seen
It's been a massive ego crush cos i've never met a woman like this before (personality) and in beauty too, so it was hard for me to understand how to cope with it. But I understand in the long term it'd be too difficult to sustain a relationship with her because conflict resolution skills are paramount for a successful healthy relationship.
Wow, this is my marriage(11 years on the 29th of this month), we have two boys. We are in a really bad spot right now, and I wish I had known all this earlier. I dont know how to deal with these scenarios when they arise. My wife hasnt said a word to me for the last three days. She has really retrieved into her shell, and I feel so bad about it, and my anxiety won't give me peace. I dont know how to bring her back. She's a cold boulder right now. I was definitely taking up way too much emotional space, and I pushed her away....again. we've been here many times.
I already apologised to her, and I told her, "I am your husband, I love you, and I understand you want space, but you dont need to be so distant." I feel sadness for my wife because she is an amazing woman. I just am not properly equipped to sustain this relationship by my self until she realises what she needs to work on. We are both broken. I would apreciate any advice on what to do in this situation right now.
Tape some distance , relax, and dont Chase apologize, she will Côme back
If you can, RUN From thèse people
Tell her that you want to do couples therapy with an attachment specialist. She may get really, really cold and gaslight the hell out of you. But do it. And hold to what you want. You CAN work on your attachment style and core wounds - but if she doesn't see the need to change and work on things - it will be doomed. And endless hamster wheel of emotional neglect and coldness from her.
She needs a cool off period, leave her alone. The more you try to use logic and reasoning, the more she'll resist. When she is in the state, its best to let her calm down by giving space cause that's how she been programmed. After about a week, she may be more opened to talking but only talk about the small things, a little each time and spread it out doe days so she doesn't become emotionally and mentally triggered with anger by it. These kind of people are extremely hard to deal with, you need to be an expert knowledge of attachment styles do know how to deal with these types of women or else you will feel you're always walking on egg shells, not knowing when she will crack again. They can be easily triggered by certain conversations, they tend to let things build up then blow up on you rather than conflict resolution at the begining or at the smallest occurrence. Like a balloon, easier to deflate some air if always letting it out but these people tend to hold it all in and wait till it pops. Give her space then tell her you like to talk and work out your indifference or conflict to make both feel better and to improve your relationship for a better future. After giving some time, tell her to tell you/notify you when she is ready to open up again. I am with someone like this, the 1st 7 years i didn't knew exactly what's wrong with her but knew she was much different than many women i dated in the past. She's most challenging to be with but since I invested so much time, i tried to learn why isnshe like this. Took after 7 years to figure it out with a therapist. There's still tons of work needed but my advice is a start for those that are looking for some guidance. Would i date one like this again if i had to relive life again? Most likely not. It's too much emotional strain.
A woman here. It's a woman's responsibility to heal her wound. I have C-PTSD after experiencing numerous threatening situations (some of them were really terrible, trust me). I a know I would love a man, who would be "safe person" to me, who would encourage me to become stronger, who would have faith in me, and who would understand what shaped me. BUT! I don't want a man to become my therapist or a nanny. I have a lot to offer, despite of what happen to me, or maybe because of it. And I cannot understand why men prefer to date difficult, unavialable women. Trauma is not an excuse to be difficult to a partner. Also, please, don't overestimate the impact of trauma. It usually impacts very specific area(s) in one's life.
Trauma doesn't equal "unavailability"!!! I myself am very easy going, I like people, trust them in a reasonable way. I have a part of my Self deeply destroyed by trauma, but I am working on it actively.
I also know quite a few unavailable women, who are nothing but attention seekers. That is all about, folks. It may sound brutal, but I had to end one friendship for that reason. My "best friend" had an universal excuse to make the world revolve around HER. And I could never understand, why men chase her like crazy. Of course as long as they get to know her enough to see her selfishness and constant drama. I realized that all her relationships fail for one reason - she wants men to adapt to her needs, so she doesn't need to leave her comfort zone. And by the way, she expects her friends to treat her in the same way.
Such women need therapy, not a relationship. As long as they can't be fully present in a relationship, they will nothing but do the emotional damage to a man. Such men believe, later on, that all women are awful ,users, unavailable and toxic.... and they lose trust in decent women. There's a risk they may become unavailable themselves.
No man can heal a woman. If your caring, warm, safe presence in her life isn't to her a healing factor per se (it's more less like that for many women with PTSD for example), then she needs a therapy. Women with trauma need sense of safety to heal themselves. If you dated me, I would tell you what I need, what I am afraid of, I might feel insecure about how you would perceive me and my limitations, yet I would be fully emotionally available to you. I would be supportive, honest, I wouldn't manipulate you, you would feel safe with me, because I know how much is safety important. You wouldn't have to read in my mind. You would know I sometimes have panic attacks, I suffer from attacks of extreme fear, and that your calm, loving presence is ENOUGH to help me to overcome it. In such states I don't behave like crazy. I just experience terrifying fear and I feel dizzy. People who saw me in such states easily got used to them as something normal. And you know what? That's a massive healing factor to me. In their presence I rarely have these unpleasant moments of dread. The love to invite me and cherish my presence. And vice versa. That's how available + C-PTSD looks like.
Women who are unavailable lack capacity to take responsibility for their part of a relationship. They have a massive issues with control. They believe that once you are too much involved in them, you will take control over their lives completely. They want to be the one in full control. So basically they do to other what they themselves dread. That may stem from some sort of trauma, sure. But such behaviour is selfish, immature and toxic , no matter what.
Sorry for such a long comment. I just want to make you, guys, aware, that available people may suffer from severe trauma, and still ...be available.
Thank you forbl the long content. I am having an issue getting my fa gf to open up to me. Any suggestions?
The best video on the subject, full stop. It's still a thankless task, but this can help.
I love your videos. They are informative and not judgmental. From someone who actually does acknowledge and want to improve myself I appreciate how you approach these videos from both perspectives. Do you have any videos on Anxious-Avoidant attachment styles? While I am definitely an avoidant in many traits I feel like I’m a bit of both….. sounds like the perfect storm 🫤
This is the most relevant video about avoidant
Yessss!!! This triggers me so much 😢 I hate this part for myself! I have deep trust issues with the world… 😒
As a widowed guy I’ve become pretty stoic and took a lot of scrutiny to find a woman I was willing to talk to.
The one who I was really attracted to had so many of the wonderful qualities I liked in a woman and she even wasn’t as attractive as I would like but she was so sweet and we actually were classmates in high school and had alot of similar interests and I thought we could be perfect for one another as we were both widowed.
Her Adult Son’s wanted her to find someone and they really like me but every time the conversation got to the point where I felt I could lean in and comment that we should try to make a go of it together she would totally shut down and end communication.
Only to start up a week or so later and would build up again to the point where there was no other option than to say the obvious that we would be perfect for each other then she would shut down again and go dark.
I just got so tired of it and quit communicating with her cause it seems like it will go nowhere and I don’t feel like chasing this woman.
Even if she came out at this point and said she was ready to move to the next level with me I would decline….I’m done.
Honestly, this was very powerful for me! Thnx 🙏🏽
Thanks. This was a well thought out video and it seems insightful. Steps aren’t that rough either; this was much appreciated.
So…my x literally didn’t want to cuddle EVER. After being intimate she ran out of the room to answer work emails while I was literally getting dressed. Couldn’t touch her while we were sleeping in bed together. She never texted me good morning. She was the first to say I Love You yet would cringe when I would say it at night to her. She told me she left every guy she was ever with. And guess what? She left me after we had a great relationship and things were awesome. Just woke up one day and decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore. These people will leave a wake of emotional destruction behind them and then complain that they are not getting enough space. I’m sorry but I will Never put up with this again.
Don’t do it. In my experience, “avoidant” just means “not interested”. She will just resent you the longer it goes on since she will always think she can do better. Better to just end it.
Spare yourself the damage and don't do it, you'll save yourself from losing yourself
If someone wants you, they will put in the effort instead of some toxic push/pull stuff
Being in a relationship with a woman like this for 6 years and having her not care a bit about working on it destroyed my mental health, self-confidence, and look on life. It was awful to be neglected when all I wanted was connction.
Thanks so much for this. This needs to be talked about more.
So much work! Is like a full time job
Thank you, very helpful advise. I find your take on attachment styles very spot on.
I am a fearful avoidant woman with a mainly secure partner. its been tough for both of us but
we apply some of the tools already and we are making progress ( 2,5 years in not linving together)
If both are willing you can grow towards more happyness and togetherness.
I must say the credit, that we are still together goes to my partner, it took me so long to trust,
but he stayed solid committed. It took me a while to understand, what is going on with me and how
to start to adress it.
Thank you for your work, it will help many people.
now i understand. a girl i dated really liked me and did her best for me. after our 2nd date where we kissed, she distanced herself and told me she need space, but i misintepret it. i chased and pursued her, that only pushed her more off and we both triggered us even more. now im blocked everywhere since 1 month. guys, dont chase them. learn from my mystake.
Amazing content! Wish I had found advice like this years ago
Valeu!
I'm pretty reticent to listen to any advice on how to 'manage' a relationship with an avoidant of any sort - particularly a female one. (They tend to be fearful, which is a bag of disaster) The general psych literature on this stuff is pretty clear - they typically do not change and what little change that might occur takes a very, very long time. And as a general rule, if you are dating an avoidant female you are likely a more anxious male capable of empathy and self sacrifice (or else you'd be long gone). This isn't a great place to be, either. Your efforts will be ultimately unappreciated and/or perceived as manipulative. You will be punished in the long run. They will resent you. They will have no respect for you. They will lie to you. Having empathy is a great trait but I think in these cases it is most healthy to remove yourself from a situation where your needs are not being met and come to the hard realization that they will likely never be. Save that empathy for someone who understands and appreciates it for the treasure that it is.
Furthermore there is significant evidence to demonstrate that avoidants will cheat. They do this for a bunch of reasons, but validation or immediate gratification or the relief of having a need met without the pressure of an actual relationship are the general ones. They can shut off the parts of their brain that are responsible for feelings and operate, robot-like, in whatever fashion they so choose. Downright creepy. You'll find a lot of these types working as first responders, particularly nurses. It's a useful trait to have if you must witness horrible things and then go carry on about your day as if nothing has happened. So keep in mind that if you continue to advance relationships with these types of people, these are the risks. The push/pull cycle is chemically addictive, so leaving hardly comes to mind. But once you're out of it reality sets in and you realize that there is absolutely nothing healthy about a relationship with those characteristics and it is quite possible to piss away valuable years of your life vying for someone's attention who cannot give it.
If you happen to find the rare one who is making actual progress with a therapist, walk guarded and slowly. Be aware that they are often master manipulators (subconsciously) and unless you're onto them from the start they'll have you wrapped around their finger. They'll manipulate their therapists, friends, etc. They'll get triggered and flip out of the blue even if everything is great (especially if everything is great) years into the relationship. They are not stable people, but rather scarred children who are more intent upon acting out their childhood trauma on an unwitting partner than looking to free themselves from their it. The childhood wound is obscured by a big burly ego that literally blocks any sort of self reflection or self awareness. Very low reflective function in avoidants. Look into the literature yourself if you don't believe me.
How do I know this? I dated a fearful one for a mere two months. It was the most disorienting thing I've ever experienced. Got out, got my head screwed back on straight and listened/read/researched for many months in an attempt to understand WTF just happened to me. Very illuminating. Choose wisely, boys. I'm lucky that my 'encounter' only took a relatively short time out of my life and did not cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars as it has others. Sex was good though - thats the problem.
Fearful avoidant/disorganised is a tiny subset of people and most of them have personality disorders, especially borderline. Straight avoidant is not like that
@@Joel-uv5tg I agree. He described a borderline (especially the good sex 😂) but he's right about a couple of things.. he's lucky to have figured it out in 2 months. It's scarring for sure. Goodluck.
if they refuse to take accountability, if they see you as the single reason to why the relationship is on shaky ground, if they will never listen sensibly, if they never want to work on things… Then yes, they’re essentially Sadness from Inside Out or Eeyore. They’re broken. Leave it for themselves to sort it out. You can’t control someone else.
Man I swear you hit the nail on the head.
This is exactly how she is. Unfortunately it's too late I did not realize. I am a anxious attachment and apparently she is a avoidant woman lol. You talk about a nightmare. We met very young and stayed together for quite a long period of time. And what you're saying about wanting to pull this person out I've been trying to do for almost 20 plus years. I wasn't happy quite a bit of time however I didn't want to be lonely I realized that now so I continued. And you are also correct I carried a significant amount of the emotion in the relationship. The only thing I don't understand is you would think over 20 years she would have finally opened up. I know her upbringing well I know what was done to her and I know how she feels however I was unable to continue that relationship I sometimes wish I didn't have children with her looking back now. But I wish I seen this video a long time ago.
if you could go back and show yourself this video at the start of your relationship and give yourself some advice, what would you say? leave before it's too late? or there are ways to do it better?
@saidakil7033 you know I thought about that after watching this video. However knowing what I know I would still choose to leave.
Obviously everybody knows women are more emotional than men. Having said that trying to navigate this specific type of personality is too dangerous in my opinion when you have children involved.
She was a great person however, I couldn't guarantee taking this information he has provided and applying it to the relationship that something else wouldn't change. As I speak right now the kids are having the same issues that I was having now that we are apart. It is extremely difficult to explain this to a 9 and 11-year-old. With that said, no I would not be involved with this type of character.
@ good to know, I am going through it with an avoidant woman right now, my feelings for her are so strong and i’ve never felt this way about anyone else, she can’t even recognise her emotions for me, I can tell that she DOES have feelings for me but she won’t tell me how she feels, any type of conflict or tough conversation is too hard and triggers her into avoidance for 2-3 days. Right now I feel like I could hold out a while longer, try to get close to her which i know take a long time and then try to help get into a healthier place or I could just leave and find someone else. I am torn
@saidakil7033 you are exactly where I was and I understand exactly what you're saying. I once told her she would have to destroy me before I could break away. I struggle for years and she finally did. I sucked really bad at first. Not going to lie. But now I truly do regret not doing it earlier. We tried therapy but that was short lived on her side. She pretty much closed up and disregard the therapist's suggestions. I'll leave you with this " if she wanted to she would, if not then she won't" you will not change that.
At this point her mind is made up. You have a extremely hard decision to make.
@@KEN-du2iz damn, I hope I am strong enough.
As an avoidant woman myself, I agree with everything he said.
I didnt realize I was fearful avoidant for many years. I also supsect autistic/ADHD. It also depended on who I was with whether the anxious preoccupied or avoidant side came out. It wasn't until I dealt with a dismissive that I could remember my avoidant behaviors. The way I engaged men was straight up narcisistic. I was VERY dysfunctional and destructive.
I needed to revisit the traits to see how far I've come. I had a controlling grandmother and inadvertently neglectful family.
Being with an avoidantan has helped me see the damaged left in my wake. Moving more toward secure if not already. Solitude is my preference, but I save that inner world for a specific man. I suggest not getting involved if you know she has someone in her heart or memory. You will not transcend it. Give the energy to yourself.
Just as I was thinking you could be both, depending on the dynamic, and then your comment I read.
Absolutely striking because this is my exact situation. Unfortunately, we just broke up a week ago. I want to figure out how to save the relationship. She is exaclty what you described. An avoidant who has a father who abused and continues to abuse the mother. I started no contact after she broke up with me because i refused to stay in a silent treatment situation that was lasting a few weeks. Now I'm thinking to reach out.
I am avoidant woman and it has nothing to do with "I can only rely on myself"
I pull back every time I have feeling that I am not loved back. I do step forvard he is not reciprocated back, I pull away.
Easy to explain - it is a deep fear of not being loved, and yes it is childhood trauma.
You are not getting rejecting if you not even trying. There is an anxious basis under it, and it became so strong that you are predicting trouble and simpy managing the damage before it happens by not asking for love, not going there, not trying or pretend to not trying (but being extremely anxious inside)
The vitriol around the avoidant is wholly justified. If they bring their broken selves to another heart with no care for the damage they can cause it deserves all the ire it gets. Notice those who say avoidant don't deserve this were 'once' avoidant but are now 'secure'. First thing i did in my new relationship was to quiz for avoidant tendencies and i can't express how much more free, secure, safe, cared for and about, valued, cherished and clear i feel. Do yourselves a favour. Find what you deserve. Stop trying to change the way you want to love.
Facts!
This was truly excellent. Thank you.
fantastic explanation, thanks for sharing
You’re describing an exact picture of what my previous relationship was like…
Good guidelines, thanks ! I´ve lived this situation 3 times in the last 6 years. Strange enough is that I have also behaved like this some times...
Great stuff. Helps me tremendously. Wish I'd known this stuff years ago.
If avoidants feel interrogated, scrutinized, observed, etc. They will shut down and most likely not open to you again easily. Active listening without too many questions is a good strategy, as well as letting them do whatever they want when ehey go out for example. Just be like "cool, have fun!" And believe me, they will send pics and tell you who rhey're with, where they are, etc. on their own
@@alanrodriguez210 or just date a mentally sound woman and not have to deal with that nightmare
@@zebrapleco7895 Totally. Not everyone has that choice but that scenario speaks of a much healthier self-esteem
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Yea ! From experience. The moment you spot them. Runnnnn!! Don't ever deal with these women, you'll put yourself self in misery with these women and the longer you stay, the longer you delay the process to end it . 😅