This topic is so common and multifaceted that I genuinely believe it should be re-addressed in depth for the benefit of the men of this community. The “good guy” syndrome is so present in the younger generation that it deserves not only to be identified - the roots of - but also men need help to find their way out of it.
My siblings died in a car accident when I was a kid. I remember deciding that I wouldn’t bother my parents with my problems. I figured they had been through enough. Man, this all kinda sucks.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are working on yourself and you have people to hold you to account and support you through the work. Wishing you all the best.
I did the same. Had a single mom trying to make it, so I never told her that I got molested. I never told anyone for about 18 years. Try to be strong for Mom when you're like 9 years old and you deal with this on your own. Then do bad in school, and your stressed mom beats you and gives you a black eye for it.
This episode was a MASSIVE revelation for me. I have listed to Connor for the past year. I saw this title when it first posted and thought, "this is not relevant to me, if I listen to it, I'll get around to it later". Well, today was later as I had some running around to do. This explains the source of so much of my personality and core beliefs. Thank you Connor for providing the information in the way that you always do and in a way that helped me to see how it related to my life. Now that I know (and basically understand) the concept, I can develop a roadmap for healing.
From a woman's perspective, I found this video very enlightening. Been married for 29 years and have heard things today in this video of how my husband and I have been in both of those roles. Thanks for your insight and how you breakdown/explain each of the characteristics of the behaviors and how to move out of them. I've become a fan even though your target audience is men.
This was very helpful sir. As a 25 year old guy who has spent some time on the internet trying to find some wisdom on relationships and self-improvement, it's rare to come across such detailed info.
Everything that you discussed in this episode has really hit the nail on the wood. I knew something was up with my new relationship. I no longer feel so insecure but I have been trying to be a perfectionist to her or doing things for her needs before mine. At times it feels like we are both wanting each others attention and I just need to be a bit more selfish with my time in order to get things going. She’s a good catch and this video will likely help me with this relationship
Found your channel while going through a tough break up and it’s helped me evaluate a lot about myself and how I can be better for the next woman I get with, but first I need to be better for myself. Definitely has helped me get over things a lot quicker by first accepting my reality and now trying to improve upon it.
I found this video very informative. I am beyond a hat trick of dysfunction. If you combined all of these childhood traumas into one person, it would be me. I was sexually abused for 2 years by a babysitter at the age of 4-6. My father was totally unavailable if not, he was antagonistic to me in pretty much everything. My mother projected all of her problems on me. Primarily because my father evidently promised to buy her an island… (WTF) she is still pissed about that. Lower middle class baby. There is a lot to unpack for me. Two therapists. One looked at me as some sort of specimen, and the other (assigned by my church) was more disgusted with me than anything. So I have tried to help myself. HOWEVER, I have an incredible wife. How this video helped: I am aware of my dysfunction and I am more aware of my actions. Thank you for that!
Thank you for the content. I’m 30 years old, and I’m trying to understand my patterns and 'bugs.' I’ve never had a romantic relationship that lasted more than a year. My most recent ex, whom I haven’t contacted for nearly two weeks, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know I have things to work on within myself. I’ve always been somewhat insecure and jealous, though I’m much better at handling those feelings these days. I also have some issues with alcohol, where I can end up escalating a discussion, especially if I’m provoked, and then barely remember the details the next day (imagine this dynamic with a borderline partner). I also struggle with being slightly overweight (nothing extreme, but it bothers me), and I’ve been unstable in my jobs as well. Everything points to me having ADHD, and that’s fine-I’m prepared to address it. But what troubles me most is that, despite all this, something makes me “click” with poor choices of partners. They are often narcissists, bipolars, or, in this last case, a borderline raised by an abusive father who scratched and slapped me, threatened self-harm, and led to countless arguments full of yelling and accusations. I’m seeking this kind of content mainly to understand this pattern. I want to understand why I make such poor choices in partners and why I’m drawn to Cluster B personalities. Honestly, I don’t have the emotional capacity to maintain relationships with people like this, nor is my self-esteem so low that I’d let someone like this walk all over me. I give myself the respect I deserve. That’s why I’m no longer with my borderline ex. Watching your video, I think I’ve found my pattern. I was definitely the peacemaker in my family and carry some family trauma. I come from a family where my father cheated on my mother with her childhood friend, and they’re still together. My maternal grandmother constantly spoke badly about him and his wife to me and my younger sister. Just knowing my father's wife and my mother would be in the same room gave me anxiety. My father also had a bad temper, and when he yelled, it felt like a punch to my stomach. I had to confront terrible arguments to protect my younger sister’s well-being because I didn’t want her exposed to these toxic dynamics. I’m going to seek help for this. Thank you again.
To all my dear friends out there, if you are still afraid of disappointing other people, trust me just do it, as scary as it is, as uncomfortable at this. It happened to me almost a year ago. The first time i finally stood up for myself for not pleasing someone i actually don't like, worst part is she's a female. I was always scared like 'what if she doesn't like me?' etc. One time she kinda disrespect me a bit and i stood up for myself. It felt so wrong at first bcs that was probably my first time i consciously made someone disappointed. Skip forward to this day, My life has been better the more i stood up for myself and (somehow) disappoint other people. It takes time and process.
I usually don't comment. But this is absolutly amazing content, since discovering your channel i've been learning a lot about myself and can recognize a lot of things that you talk about. Amazing stuff and please keep doing what your doing, a lot of men need to this about themselves and you can explain it in a great way
Yes your right, but at the moment we are talking mainly about men, women does have their topics, but sometimes we need to stay in one topic, it’s kinda like when talking about dogs, we aren’t going to say, yeah but owels are animals too. Topic is about dogs, not owels, with all due respect tho, I’m just giving an example.
GREAT episode on the topic! At 28, through the knowledge and wisdom I’ve found through the top voices in the Manosphere I’m leaving a 3 year relationship (respectfully) with a woman I was attached to, who fit the exact opposite of everything I need in a relationship, and I see countless men giving up their sovereignty and freedom for a woman who doesn’t give them much in return. For all the men in the space, I wish you love, adventure, and if you just started the journey keep going 🤝🏼 you will find the man you always wanted to be, on the other side of it ✌🏼
Good job. This is a very complex subject. I wouldn't underestimate the problems of a emotionally neglectful mother IE narcissistic, will have on a child. The root of codependency is two people with a lot of shame trying to get the other to heal their shame.
My partner has asked me to tell her what I specifically need her to do to support me / us through the journey of growth and healing around codependency and my fearful avoidant attachment. I've taken lots of notes from your videos, but it would still help a great deal to get a deep dive into the practical elements of what comes after we've identified our problems and how do we work out what we need our partners to do and what to ask them for.
Great video. Biggest feedback would be, the last line of the video is “enlist a therapist or a men’s group in supporting you in ending co-dependency,” but that was the end of the sentence, paragraph, and video. Something I’m struggling with is that I am fortunate have those supports in my life, but it’s not at all apparent to me how to make the best use of them. Would love to hear more on that topic.
This was just a rewarding but a difficult listen….its helped me understand why I showed up in my last relationship and understand my behaviour properly. It’s a bit sad, maybe I could have changed the outcome.
this video is such a good one. so explanatory and with such understandable language. first video of yours that i watch and already im really amazed. the roots, the signs, etc all the steps and details. i just dont know what to write... just amazed. obviously because the video helped me to so easily understand whats going on in me. dad issues, with violence for even 90/100 grades. dad being abusive against wife and the children. and the mother being actively in need of help of me. mother getting sick, cancer for the last 8 years of her life and me being her caretaker and protector against dad. mothers death, immideately finding a girlfriend absolutely in a taker position. list going like this and all so spot on with my life. i have been starting to understand how im some kind of a giver actually, but never seen the full picture. thank you. this video will be watched many many times by me so i can study the details, take notes to remember later. wow.
Such powerful information 👏🏽Thank you for sharing this, it’s unfortunate that I’m finding it so late after things have already ended so tragically between my ex partner and I. Definitely going to take these points forward with me individually most importantly nevermind for anyone else.
Great topic & content, Connor, and per usual, insightful, informative, and valuable/worthwhile. I’d add that it’s been my personal experience a common byproduct of being unduly & overly dependent upon someone (wellbeing validation, approval, etc) often leads me to other addictions and/or maladaptive habits, behaviors and coping mechanisms. It starts with awareness, and then actively working towards a healthy honest acceptance of my genuine authentic self. Thanks again, Connor! Andrew
My codependency (eventhough I was aware) made me end up with a codependent girl while being terminally sick from cancer. I can not expres how much pain I go through on a daily basis. I never ever want any human on earth to feel this
There is no such thing as a marriage/relationship without co-dependancy. In a relationship and especially a marriage, all parties depend on one another for something. If you aren’t co-dependent there is no relationship.
Is the issue with codependency the fact only one parties needs get met and the other is the beneficiary. Instead of 2parties mutually benefiting from each other.
You should should be able to take care of yourself within the context of marriage as well as before you were married. Codependency is observed when one or both partners lean on the other to take care of their basic needs which should be able to be done alone. Marriage (to me) is about creating the framework for building a healthy family, aka setting up a family environment for children to be able to succeed and thrive.
Does witnessing my mother cheat on my dad and their marriage explode constitute as trauma? I have very serious trust issues and listening to this video it really make me think that I'm codependent to my wife
Honestly anything that leaves a negative impression on your mind can be considered trauma, especially if its tied to maladaptive adult behavior later in life
Well. My relationship with all these red flags from both sides just ended. It brought me here as I wanted to better myself and I feel shredded. My whole personality blew up to a thousands of pieces. I’m 30 I literally doubt my whole existence to this point and whom I am. Thought this break up will be quite easy, but the more I dive in the more I understand how deeply broken I am. This will be the tough one. Am I wrong by wanting to let my ex know what I’ve just found out? Should I try to heal from all these crap with her or as we both are such broken parties we should get apart and heal in distance? She knows me better than anyone else and vice versa.
Way to go in having this awareness it can help all of you. I too was thinking of how my mom is worried about my brothers co dependent tendencies without realizing she created quite a bit of them. And still tried to do that just last week. He is 37.
What if you suppressed or don't remember what caused the trauma? Should you go searching around the dark corners of your memory? or just let it go? Surely it involved my parents, but i don't think they would be willing to take any accountability, and who knows how accurate those childhood memories would be if i tried to think back that far?
No bro the person who tends to give all the time chances are the person likes to control and manipulate the codependency to the point that becomes a toxic relationship because one can’t get out of the relationship because the other person has the upper hand in the relation specifically in the finances over the emotional aspect of the relationship.
What to do when you are no longer in the codependent relationship but then that person comes to town and doesn't tell you they are back in town and you feel resentful about it?
yeah this sounds mind solely fucking realistic for me . idk if this is a generational curse or not but this has affected me in a relationship especially how connor explains it like i didn't even notice until a month or two ago which caused me to be have this anxiety and not knowing how it affects my self esteem . idk im trying not be codependent .
I'm wondering -- do you ever see instances where someone becomes codependent regardless of having a healthy childhood? I found that I have both anxious attachment and codependency to my girlfriend, but I never exhibited these behaviors before with the exception of childhood friendships where I felt neglected
I am currently in this predicament my bf is dismissive avoidant and he pulled away after I expressed my needs and I feel as if it’s my fault and my entire responsibility to try to fix both sides I’m researching his attachment style and I’m researching mine and it feels so overwhelming I’m going to talk to him tonight and see if this can even change but only if he wants to do it himself because I can’t be responsible on trying to heal him when I’m not even healed myself
For anybody finding comfort in this video, think of the person you hate the most in your life, and then imagine them watching this video and self inserting as the 'people pleaser' in your relationship. Incredibly toxic right?
Codependent is not a helpful lens to learn about healthy dependency (rooted in addiction but relationships are "naturally addictive" in our physiology). As he says, roles are amoral. The healthy view is that compromise is needed in all relationships and so are tough conversations (which btw your approach to conflict can tell you a lot about yourself). The more you can lean into a relationship, the stronger it will become. But yes this does mean having boundaries that are also flexible at times. A lot of what he says is helpful, but a better view of relationships is that "there is nothing harder on the planet than another person" and we are social mammals who need relationship to survive and thrive. Like most things in life...the closer you look, the more you see the paradox. Attachment security is a goal not a destination. You never arrive there fully, you just get on the train going in the right direction and get back on when you inevitably fall off. Codependent is an old word for something that science understands a lot better now than it used to.
"Do I let my partner over-prioritize my needs and wants above my own on a regular basis?" I don't get this. My needs above my own? Is it a typo? Maybe my needs above their own?
It seems the advice in this video is geared towards someone who prioritizes their partners needs and identifies at the giver. What if you identify as the taker?
Hey man, You can be codependent without a relationship or even without people, some people have it with alcohol. If you make an episode make sure that you understand the topic, now you spend more confusion.
Guys, DONT "sit down with your partner". Thats not...going to go well. If you want to lose that codependency leaning into the person who has benefitted from it aint going to be nice. You want to really, truly take care of yourself and your needs? Walk. Walk. And DONT DO IT AGAIN. Walk and dont do it again
The act of avoiding a reaction we don’t like is the same action that can be causing it. It’s serves both you and your partner to be honest no matter how hard the truth is to hear. Your wife would respect you more if you’re honest rather than trying to beat around the bush or avoid certain conflicts all together. So yes do sit down with your partner, if they don’t wanna help you in losing codependency or really just help you better yourself in general. Than it’s best to leave that relationship to rest and move on
Not realistic at all. The codependent one in the relationship is always running and spinning while the other one is simply living. The non codependent doesn’t want to be in a relationship like this most of the time because it’s suffocation
40:05 Action 1 - do not vilenase codep.relationship. no shaming as it reinforce codep. Action 2 - know it is adaptive surviv strategy to protect, safe; Action 3 - ask how it make me feel safe, connected, valued, getting attention Action 4 - act of healthy selfishness - prioritise own needs; writte list of activities that fuel your feel good feelings; i am responsible for me Action 5 - expose to dissapointment .... Perfectionist expects constant receiving and via verce...Here punishment shows. Scorebord - counting bad and goods - it is unfair...always, newer...
This topic is so common and multifaceted that I genuinely believe it should be re-addressed in depth for the benefit of the men of this community. The “good guy” syndrome is so present in the younger generation that it deserves not only to be identified - the roots of - but also men need help to find their way out of it.
Yep, Johnny niceguy was me from 12-21, had to consciously learn healthy emotions to correct it.
I'm late to the party but care to list a few things/tactics that helped break the spell? @@dansanders340
My siblings died in a car accident when I was a kid. I remember deciding that I wouldn’t bother my parents with my problems. I figured they had been through enough. Man, this all kinda sucks.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are working on yourself and you have people to hold you to account and support you through the work. Wishing you all the best.
I did the same. Had a single mom trying to make it, so I never told her that I got molested. I never told anyone for about 18 years.
Try to be strong for Mom when you're like 9 years old and you deal with this on your own.
Then do bad in school, and your stressed mom beats you and gives you a black eye for it.
This episode was a MASSIVE revelation for me. I have listed to Connor for the past year. I saw this title when it first posted and thought, "this is not relevant to me, if I listen to it, I'll get around to it later". Well, today was later as I had some running around to do. This explains the source of so much of my personality and core beliefs. Thank you Connor for providing the information in the way that you always do and in a way that helped me to see how it related to my life. Now that I know (and basically understand) the concept, I can develop a roadmap for healing.
From a woman's perspective, I found this video very enlightening. Been married for 29 years and have heard things today in this video of how my husband and I have been in both of those roles. Thanks for your insight and how you breakdown/explain each of the characteristics of the behaviors and how to move out of them. I've become a fan even though your target audience is men.
This was very helpful sir. As a 25 year old guy who has spent some time on the internet trying to find some wisdom on relationships and self-improvement, it's rare to come across such detailed info.
Everything that you discussed in this episode has really hit the nail on the wood. I knew something was up with my new relationship. I no longer feel so insecure but I have been trying to be a perfectionist to her or doing things for her needs before mine. At times it feels like we are both wanting each others attention and I just need to be a bit more selfish with my time in order to get things going. She’s a good catch and this video will likely help me with this relationship
Found your channel while going through a tough break up and it’s helped me evaluate a lot about myself and how I can be better for the next woman I get with, but first I need to be better for myself. Definitely has helped me get over things a lot quicker by first accepting my reality and now trying to improve upon it.
Were you married? How old are you?
I found this video very informative. I am beyond a hat trick of dysfunction. If you combined all of these childhood traumas into one person, it would be me. I was sexually abused for 2 years by a babysitter at the age of 4-6. My father was totally unavailable if not, he was antagonistic to me in pretty much everything. My mother projected all of her problems on me. Primarily because my father evidently promised to buy her an island… (WTF) she is still pissed about that. Lower middle class baby. There is a lot to unpack for me. Two therapists. One looked at me as some sort of specimen, and the other (assigned by my church) was more disgusted with me than anything. So I have tried to help myself. HOWEVER, I have an incredible wife.
How this video helped: I am aware of my dysfunction and I am more aware of my actions. Thank you for that!
Thank you for the content. I’m 30 years old, and I’m trying to understand my patterns and 'bugs.' I’ve never had a romantic relationship that lasted more than a year. My most recent ex, whom I haven’t contacted for nearly two weeks, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I know I have things to work on within myself. I’ve always been somewhat insecure and jealous, though I’m much better at handling those feelings these days. I also have some issues with alcohol, where I can end up escalating a discussion, especially if I’m provoked, and then barely remember the details the next day (imagine this dynamic with a borderline partner). I also struggle with being slightly overweight (nothing extreme, but it bothers me), and I’ve been unstable in my jobs as well. Everything points to me having ADHD, and that’s fine-I’m prepared to address it. But what troubles me most is that, despite all this, something makes me “click” with poor choices of partners.
They are often narcissists, bipolars, or, in this last case, a borderline raised by an abusive father who scratched and slapped me, threatened self-harm, and led to countless arguments full of yelling and accusations. I’m seeking this kind of content mainly to understand this pattern. I want to understand why I make such poor choices in partners and why I’m drawn to Cluster B personalities. Honestly, I don’t have the emotional capacity to maintain relationships with people like this, nor is my self-esteem so low that I’d let someone like this walk all over me. I give myself the respect I deserve. That’s why I’m no longer with my borderline ex.
Watching your video, I think I’ve found my pattern. I was definitely the peacemaker in my family and carry some family trauma. I come from a family where my father cheated on my mother with her childhood friend, and they’re still together. My maternal grandmother constantly spoke badly about him and his wife to me and my younger sister. Just knowing my father's wife and my mother would be in the same room gave me anxiety. My father also had a bad temper, and when he yelled, it felt like a punch to my stomach. I had to confront terrible arguments to protect my younger sister’s well-being because I didn’t want her exposed to these toxic dynamics.
I’m going to seek help for this. Thank you again.
One of your best videos yet! Thank you so much!
Would love a Man's Guide on standing up to emasculating behaviors in a healthy and respectful way.
@@SirBLM Thanks for tuning in and appreciate the possible topic!
To all my dear friends out there, if you are still afraid of disappointing other people, trust me just do it, as scary as it is, as uncomfortable at this. It happened to me almost a year ago. The first time i finally stood up for myself for not pleasing someone i actually don't like, worst part is she's a female. I was always scared like 'what if she doesn't like me?' etc. One time she kinda disrespect me a bit and i stood up for myself. It felt so wrong at first bcs that was probably my first time i consciously made someone disappointed. Skip forward to this day, My life has been better the more i stood up for myself and (somehow) disappoint other people. It takes time and process.
Thank you
Thank you. I've already listened to this episode twice and I'm thinking about listening to it a third time.
Thanks for listening, glad it hit home for you
I usually don't comment. But this is absolutly amazing content, since discovering your channel i've been learning a lot about myself and can recognize a lot of things that you talk about. Amazing stuff and please keep doing what your doing, a lot of men need to this about themselves and you can explain it in a great way
Not just men , women go through the same thing too
I remember reading women who love to much and thinking that is me - but I am a man!
Nobody said it was just men
@@lurkwave I wish it had been called people who love to much, I might have read it five years earlier and saved my self a lot of pain!
Therapy is largely geared towards women
Yes your right, but at the moment we are talking mainly about men, women does have their topics, but sometimes we need to stay in one topic, it’s kinda like when talking about dogs, we aren’t going to say, yeah but owels are animals too. Topic is about dogs, not owels, with all due respect tho, I’m just giving an example.
GREAT episode on the topic! At 28, through the knowledge and wisdom I’ve found through the top voices in the Manosphere I’m leaving a 3 year relationship (respectfully) with a woman I was attached to, who fit the exact opposite of everything I need in a relationship, and I see countless men giving up their sovereignty and freedom for a woman who doesn’t give them much in return.
For all the men in the space, I wish you love, adventure, and if you just started the journey keep going 🤝🏼 you will find the man you always wanted to be, on the other side of it ✌🏼
Good job. This is a very complex subject. I wouldn't underestimate the problems of a emotionally neglectful mother IE narcissistic, will have on a child.
The root of codependency is two people with a lot of shame trying to get the other to heal their shame.
Your last sentence boils it down so well
My partner has asked me to tell her what I specifically need her to do to support me / us through the journey of growth and healing around codependency and my fearful avoidant attachment. I've taken lots of notes from your videos, but it would still help a great deal to get a deep dive into the practical elements of what comes after we've identified our problems and how do we work out what we need our partners to do and what to ask them for.
Id love to see an episode on resentment and the various reasons it arises.
I agree ☑️
So good!
Thank you for your work!
You inspire me to be a better man every day.
Great video. Biggest feedback would be, the last line of the video is “enlist a therapist or a men’s group in supporting you in ending co-dependency,” but that was the end of the sentence, paragraph, and video. Something I’m struggling with is that I am fortunate have those supports in my life, but it’s not at all apparent to me how to make the best use of them. Would love to hear more on that topic.
Very solid video. Thank you so much
This was just a rewarding but a difficult listen….its helped me understand why I showed up in my last relationship and understand my behaviour properly. It’s a bit sad, maybe I could have changed the outcome.
Needed this!!
Such a good video. I’m looking forward to this series.
Powerful video
this video is such a good one. so explanatory and with such understandable language. first video of yours that i watch and already im really amazed. the roots, the signs, etc all the steps and details. i just dont know what to write... just amazed. obviously because the video helped me to so easily understand whats going on in me.
dad issues, with violence for even 90/100 grades.
dad being abusive against wife and the children. and the mother being actively in need of help of me.
mother getting sick, cancer for the last 8 years of her life and me being her caretaker and protector against dad.
mothers death, immideately finding a girlfriend absolutely in a taker position.
list going like this and all so spot on with my life. i have been starting to understand how im some kind of a giver actually, but never seen the full picture. thank you.
this video will be watched many many times by me so i can study the details, take notes to remember later.
wow.
Very helpful episode! Thank you!
This is life changing content, thank you for this!
You're so welcome!
This was a great episode.
Fantastic video literally describes my life experience step by step, thanks
Appreciate you tuning in and thanks for subscribing to the channel. Any other topics you want me to do a deep dive on?
Such powerful information 👏🏽Thank you for sharing this, it’s unfortunate that I’m finding it so late after things have already ended so tragically between my ex partner and I. Definitely going to take these points forward with me individually most importantly nevermind for anyone else.
Great topic & content, Connor, and per usual, insightful, informative, and valuable/worthwhile.
I’d add that it’s been my personal experience a common byproduct of being unduly & overly dependent upon someone (wellbeing validation, approval, etc) often leads me to other addictions and/or maladaptive habits, behaviors and coping mechanisms.
It starts with awareness, and then actively working towards a healthy honest acceptance of my genuine authentic self.
Thanks again, Connor!
Andrew
Something on how to date, be single, choose a partner, and the process of not losing that sense of self maturated during the time alone
My codependency (eventhough I was aware) made me end up with a codependent girl while being terminally sick from cancer. I can not expres how much pain I go through on a daily basis. I never ever want any human on earth to feel this
The tally method of finding perfectionism is very helpful. Thank you
Love you Videos fr! They help me alot
Super comprehensive and ready to be put in practice. Thank you
There is no such thing as a marriage/relationship without co-dependancy. In a relationship and especially a marriage, all parties depend on one another for something. If you aren’t co-dependent there is no relationship.
Don’t you interdependency? That’s the healthy variant…co-dependency is the unhealthy one..
Ok that’s what I was going to ask.
Is the issue with codependency the fact only one parties needs get met and the other is the beneficiary. Instead of 2parties mutually benefiting from each other.
You should should be able to take care of yourself within the context of marriage as well as before you were married. Codependency is observed when one or both partners lean on the other to take care of their basic needs which should be able to be done alone.
Marriage (to me) is about creating the framework for building a healthy family, aka setting up a family environment for children to be able to succeed and thrive.
Great video Connor, you described my entire life in this video 😂
God bless You man, this is gold!
This has helped me a lot. Very informative and helpful advice thank you sir.
This one is the ONE I’ve been searching for a loooing time!!! How can I get coaching on this issue/topic? Cuz Im not sure where I stand….
Very practical steps for healthy futures. Ty
Excellent! I could so identify. Thank you
This was GOLD
Does witnessing my mother cheat on my dad and their marriage explode constitute as trauma? I have very serious trust issues and listening to this video it really make me think that I'm codependent to my wife
Yes, very much so.
Honestly anything that leaves a negative impression on your mind can be considered trauma, especially if its tied to maladaptive adult behavior later in life
Well. My relationship with all these red flags from both sides just ended. It brought me here as I wanted to better myself and I feel shredded. My whole personality blew up to a thousands of pieces. I’m 30 I literally doubt my whole existence to this point and whom I am. Thought this break up will be quite easy, but the more I dive in the more I understand how deeply broken I am. This will be the tough one. Am I wrong by wanting to let my ex know what I’ve just found out? Should I try to heal from all these crap with her or as we both are such broken parties we should get apart and heal in distance? She knows me better than anyone else and vice versa.
I am listening this because my Son is in a codependent relationship, however I myself (Mom) identify myself in this 🥺🙏💖
Way to go in having this awareness it can help all of you. I too was thinking of how my mom is worried about my brothers co dependent tendencies without realizing she created quite a bit of them. And still tried to do that just last week. He is 37.
@@FlaviaMagic Thank you💜🙏 My Son asked me to stop giving advice & just me supportive🥺💜🙏❤️🩹
@@Brianna13Rosesound good. You’re lucky to have each other.
This was brilliant.
Thank you!
Wow, very eye opening💯🥲👌
What if you suppressed or don't remember what caused the trauma? Should you go searching around the dark corners of your memory? or just let it go? Surely it involved my parents, but i don't think they would be willing to take any accountability, and who knows how accurate those childhood memories would be if i tried to think back that far?
This was awesome.
Thanks for this video
Thank you for this.
No bro the person who tends to give all the time chances are the person likes to control and manipulate the codependency to the point that becomes a toxic relationship because one can’t get out of the relationship because the other person has the upper hand in the relation specifically in the finances over the emotional aspect of the relationship.
How do you move on from the abuse?
Sums a lot of things up
Appreciate you tuning in
Read “co-dependent no more” go get it now. Or listen to audiobook
What to do when you are no longer in the codependent relationship but then that person comes to town and doesn't tell you they are back in town and you feel resentful about it?
yeah this sounds mind solely fucking realistic for me . idk if this is a generational curse or not but this has affected me in a relationship especially how connor explains it like i didn't even notice until a month or two ago which caused me to be have this anxiety and not knowing how it affects my self esteem . idk im trying not be codependent .
Is it possible to be both the giver and taker at different times in the same relationship?
I'm wondering -- do you ever see instances where someone becomes codependent regardless of having a healthy childhood?
I found that I have both anxious attachment and codependency to my girlfriend, but I never exhibited these behaviors before with the exception of childhood friendships where I felt neglected
I am currently in this predicament my bf is dismissive avoidant and he pulled away after I expressed my needs and I feel as if it’s my fault and my entire responsibility to try to fix both sides I’m researching his attachment style and I’m researching mine and it feels so overwhelming I’m going to talk to him tonight and see if this can even change but only if he wants to do it himself because I can’t be responsible on trying to heal him when I’m not even healed myself
How’d it go?
For anybody finding comfort in this video, think of the person you hate the most in your life, and then imagine them watching this video and self inserting as the 'people pleaser' in your relationship. Incredibly toxic right?
Subscribed‼️
😂 im22 still live with my parents im stuck in a codependent mindset were can i start to get out of it
Codependent is not a helpful lens to learn about healthy dependency (rooted in addiction but relationships are "naturally addictive" in our physiology). As he says, roles are amoral. The healthy view is that compromise is needed in all relationships and so are tough conversations (which btw your approach to conflict can tell you a lot about yourself). The more you can lean into a relationship, the stronger it will become. But yes this does mean having boundaries that are also flexible at times. A lot of what he says is helpful, but a better view of relationships is that "there is nothing harder on the planet than another person" and we are social mammals who need relationship to survive and thrive. Like most things in life...the closer you look, the more you see the paradox. Attachment security is a goal not a destination. You never arrive there fully, you just get on the train going in the right direction and get back on when you inevitably fall off. Codependent is an old word for something that science understands a lot better now than it used to.
Speak for yourself. I happen to find it very useful.
Striving for perfection leads to the demise of one's soul..
45:00 healing
"Do I let my partner over-prioritize my needs and wants above my own on a regular basis?" I don't get this. My needs above my own? Is it a typo? Maybe my needs above their own?
I would recommend everyone read this book. Facing codependence by Pia Mellody
Love your videos...Very informative for both genders..
Everything you said made so much sense now
What to do when you are the taker?
How to stop being the taker?
Subscribed
It seems the advice in this video is geared towards someone who prioritizes their partners needs and identifies at the giver. What if you identify as the taker?
People without this shit get it so easy...sigh
Hey man,
You can be codependent without a relationship or even without people, some people have it with alcohol.
If you make an episode make sure that you understand the topic, now you spend more confusion.
whats this dudes qualifications????
Guys, DONT "sit down with your partner". Thats not...going to go well. If you want to lose that codependency leaning into the person who has benefitted from it aint going to be nice. You want to really, truly take care of yourself and your needs? Walk. Walk. And DONT DO IT AGAIN.
Walk and dont do it again
The act of avoiding a reaction we don’t like is the same action that can be causing it. It’s serves both you and your partner to be honest no matter how hard the truth is to hear. Your wife would respect you more if you’re honest rather than trying to beat around the bush or avoid certain conflicts all together. So yes do sit down with your partner, if they don’t wanna help you in losing codependency or really just help you better yourself in general. Than it’s best to leave that relationship to rest and move on
@@7elisha that's adorable.
What did they say that isn’t true?
@danielclipper931 ask me in 25 years.
@@mrsherwood2599 fair enough
55.03 wasted time listening about defending narcissist boss partner "takers" under "no one is guilty" for other partner who secrfies himself
Not realistic at all. The codependent one in the relationship is always running and spinning while the other one is simply living. The non codependent doesn’t want to be in a relationship like this most of the time because it’s suffocation
Great content but so many statements are repeated and feel patronising. I prefer to replay if I need to hear something again.
What about women's guiiiiide ?
Hey - it would be nice if you’d consider the fact that not every man listening to you is straight.
eTCetera
Labeling abused people as "nice guys" doesnt feel right
40:05
Action 1 - do not vilenase codep.relationship. no shaming as it reinforce codep.
Action 2 - know it is adaptive surviv strategy to protect, safe; Action 3 - ask how it make me feel safe, connected, valued, getting attention
Action 4 - act of healthy selfishness - prioritise own needs; writte list of activities that fuel your feel good feelings; i am responsible for me
Action 5 - expose to dissapointment
....
Perfectionist expects constant receiving and via verce...Here punishment shows.
Scorebord - counting bad and goods - it is unfair...always, newer...
This was amazing. Thank you.