"guys just don’t like me" sis me neither, so? | dating as an only semi-attractive person: TRUTH grwm
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- Опубліковано 16 гру 2022
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She's in her socio-critic era, I see. This week I wanted to do a bit more of a "sit-down, chit-chat, girl talk, big sis advice, plz learn from my mistakes, don't do what I did, really don't, like fr fr, not just fr, fr fr, it wasn't great, I want you to be happy, just listen to what I say here and you'll be good"-grwm. Let me know what you thought down in the comments and let's love one another based on what your soul's vehicle, aka ur body, is carrying, aka you.
LOVE ya!!! - Навчання та стиль
I totally agree with the whole "men liking something means it's for everyone, women liking something means it's for women" thing. Men get to be people, women get to be women. there are a few examples where this doesn't apply - liking video games or *manly* sports as a woman will get you a "you're not like other girls" because you done liked a man thing, but generally, I agree
This ‘not like the other girls’ thing is exactly what I meant when I said, liking ‘manly’ things such as sports, anime, etc. is seen as cool/positive. You’re so so right here, and I also 100% agree with the statement that men get to be human but women merely get to be that, a woman. This sentence really resonated with me, will definitely write that down and use it in future research, thank you!! ✨☺️
"men get to be people" what you mean?
@@sbarullasbonderi9577"Man is defined as a human being and woman as a female - whenever she behaves as a human being she is said to imitate the male." - Simone de Beauvoir
@@suu1998 not true. See in Ucraina: female can leave and Mans must stay. Where the "human being"? Womens stop the cap
@@sbarullasbonderi9577 I'll make it as simple and short as possible by pointing out words like human/s, humanity, mankind, man-made, man as in a person, and the way he is used in english as a gender-neutral pronoun instead of they, and in my language and others singular they doesn't exist or isn't common, so people use he as a gender neutral pronoun, even the word "women"/"woman" contains men! Imagine having your oppressor and a reminder of your suffering in your name? man doesn't only mean a male human being, it means a hu*man* being too if not most of the time, men are the standard to hu*man*ity and being "good", I'd also like to mention simone's quote (and her book the second sex) above and the original comment itself, and id like to advise to read somen feminist theory and listen to women's voices, experiences and lives to be less ignorant, I hope that you're asking in good faith and out of ignorance and not as a woman-hating misogynistic troll, hope this helps!
These past few years i've been really envious of naturally attractive people for this reason. I can't imagine what it's like to be validated since birth, not have to worry about boys liking you because they just do, knowing you're pretty bc you've been told your whole life and not hating what you see in the mirror everyday. I feel like my appearance limits my every day life and the things i want to do. It goes so deep. No one understands the true effects of pretty privilege except for ugly people.
I honestly thank you so much for putting into words what I've felt all my life and haven't been able to explain, this burden that's so hard to carry and never seems to soften.
i agree with everything you said. it's so much more than worrying about finding love, it affects all areas of life, i'm scared that i won't find a job because a man manager won't find me attractive😭
If that's you in the avatar, you look much better than average.
@@spinetingler-op6st that's not me but thanks for the nice words anyway 😊
@@herz11 same, when I was a kid i wanted to be a famous singer, but decided not to because I wasn't pretty enough. Giving up on my dream shattered my heart and it still plays a big part in how my personality developed. When I say I wonder how it is to be pretty I really mean it.
I've spent a good few years working in nursing homes (never as a nurse though, always in different positions), and I've learned that there's not nothing more heartwarming than being called beautiful or pretty by a sweet old lady. It leaves me feeling so safe and comforted. Forget trying to get a guy's validation honestly. If grandma Mildred thinks I'm a catch, then heck yeah I am!
THIS!!! I used to take care of a patient who was 86 and he would always tell me how pretty I was in the most wholesome and kind way!
You're right!! I always notice that the compliments from the older women at my church are much more genuine compared to those from the boys at my school.
Absolutely agree, I have also learned that lesson the same way as you, and let's go grandma Mildred!!!
She's a woman, with tons of life experience. So she knows how you feel as a woman and knows a compliment will make you feel this way. Any woman can be complimented the same in that regard. If you're interested in being in a relationship with men then yes men's validation of course still matters in that case.
the residents r always so nice it helped me see wat features ppl like abt me... id constantly get complimented on my hair and skin by the residents it made me feel so nice thru the shittiest of shifts
Guys, remember: we are not supposed to find ourselves attractive. We can find ourselves pretty but we are not gonna be attracted to ourselves lol, it's fine! Take care of you and focus on what makes you feel good. If the other finds you attractive or not is based on what they are looking for individually, it's not our problem their opinion about our apparence. I know it's hard to feel pretty when you don't feel desired but one thing there's nothing to do with other. So, the next time you go out, spend more time thinking "do I actually feel attracted to this person?" Instead of "do they think I'm attractive?" Bc what they think is not up to you.
I do! I'm wild about me! 😂 And this is the real reason men try to convince women that staying young is the goal when age and wisdom actually comes with self love, self respect and self-admiration which men can't control.
@@1love847 yes girl same 😂
I understand what you’re saying but idk! Personally I find myself pretty attracted jajajaj
Pretty and attractive go hand on hand
@@yesplatinum7956I think you miss what OP means to say. Pretty sure what they meant is you can do things that make you feel pretty but you can't determine if the other person is going to find you attractive.
The more you know 🌈
I know I'm late to the chat but as a tall, scrawny, dark skinned teenage girl with broad shoulders who felt like she was constantly failing at being 'feminine' this is soo true.
I've always been a 5/10 plain Jane.
I never felt like I could turn down any guy that showed actual interest in me (even if I had absolutely no interest in them) because other guys wouldn't even look in my direction.
I absolutely hate the fact that I still occasionally crave male validation. I can't wait till I'm like 50 & completely invisible to men. I just feel like my life is gonna be a lot more peaceful without having to deal with men evaluating whether I'm attractive or not & them feeling the need to remind me that I'm not attractive to them.
Awww girl. Be very very careful with that attitude . Just focus on the guys that u like and that u feel comfortable around and don’t take any bullshit. I promise you will be fine :)
You have hit the nail right on the head with this video. I’ve never said I was ugly but I didn’t think I was ‘attractive’ and I’ve recently turned 18 and never been in a relationship which doesn’t help with thinking I’m semi attractive, which I know you shouldn’t base your worth on other people but it’s not always easy lol. I love this video, it is so inspiring. Thank you!
It isn’t easy in any way, which is why I think it’s best to take yourself as you are for now and not overthink it, and with time things will fall into place. Trust the process and yourself❤️✨
@@iCharlyprime ❤️❤️❤️❤️
You might just be a late bloomer! I was still growing into my features into my early twenties. I swear no one told me I was attractive until college 😅
As someone who at your age was considered quite attractive/desirable, it’s not easy for anyone. Without complaining about “pretty problems,” being so seen (in one specific way) has made me felt quite unseen. As if we’re only allowed one adjective. My intellect and abilities have been consistently underestimated/overlooked, women have hated me with zero provocation, and I’ve had my drink spiked 2-3 times. (I had people looking out for me; thank goodness.)
As far as being “unattractive,” it’s hard to tell what’s going on in your pfp. Humans are drawn to signs of youth/health, so maintaining a slim or athletic body type and clear skin go a long way towards being perceived as beautiful. Make sure your haircut/color and wardrobe flatter your features. Men overwhelmingly prefer soft glam or “no makeup” makeup, depending on the occasion.
I was in my first relationship at 23, you have time! Also, learning to be happy with yourself/single is a superpower imo
As a 34 year old 100% cis dude I was really surprised at how much of this video resonated with me. I was definitely a late bloomer as well and attached most of my value as a human to whether women liked me in my early 20s. I really liked the end, it made me smile really big when you said that I deserve to be with someone who likes me for me. I hope you keep making videos, you're great!
“What men like is for everyone”…mindblown. I never conceptualized this but yes I think you are right.
Yeah I realized that a long time ago when things I liked got deemed as "a girl thing" for instance romantic movies whether strictly romantic or rom coms get labeled as "chick flicks". The fact that a show could be amazing but bc the main character is female ppl might say it's a girl show. I was flabbergasted when someone said buffy the vampire slayer was consisered a girl show bc I honestly thought it had all the elements to appeal to every gender and was just a great show.
I'm in my first relationship as a 23 year old woman. I just honestly never met a guy I was interested and (unless I was super oblivious) didn't have guys show romantic/sexual interest in me before. With my boyfriend, he often says he loves me because he feels he can be his true self and that I just support who he wants to be. I feel the same way: that I don't have to tiptoe around who I really am with him. The only thing is that, physically, I am not happy with my body right now. One time we were hanging out and he was touching my thigh and I made a comment that I've never liked my thighs because they are deemed "too big." And later I explained that I don't really like how my body looks right now, since I've gained some weight in the last year, but yet somehow when I'm with him or intimate with him, I don't worry about if he likes how I look/feel or anything, I just feel really confident. So it's such a weird feeling and something obviously I've never felt before since I haven't been in a relationship previously.
I spent 9 years in a relationship trying to be who my partner wanted me to be and I agree it is not worth it. This highly conditional validation leaves you completely unfulfilled. Relationships with men are sold to us as a holy grail but the truth is that very few will show up for the real you and love you as you are. There is no salvation in a mediocre man tolerating your presence.
Same thing with women wasting their prime years chasing chads, and then "settle" after 30 with men they don't respect and desire
Thats a fantasy scenario. @keylanoslokj1806
@@keylanoslokj1806Bruh get off of the podcasts. The women in this comment section as well as the content creator are not the women chasing after Chads. They are not even getting acknowledged by the regular everyday dude. You are so caught up in your feelings that if you stopped and listened, you might relate to them. It sounds like you too experience rejection due to not fitting the standards.
@@carrington2949 as a male you can be incel. As as female you can't. Only your extreme hypergamous standards and your pride can stop you as a woman from dating. You just see 90% of men as invisible fluff
" There is no salvation in a mediocre man tolerating your presence " and i would want to add that we need to stop choosing man because they are the best option in ours hands at the moment. If you don't have your dream partener from a man, just be with yourself and built your own happiness, relationship by default are a scam. You would always feel like something is missing.
I've been in that headspace where you just want more than anything to be in a relationship, any relationship. But then gradually I reframed the scarcity mindset of trying to be attractive to as many men as possible to 'better the chances', into realising I only need to be attractive to one man. I want to be in a relationship with one man who will be wildly attracted to me and love me like crazy for exactly who I am. And so in order to attract this man I have to pursue being me to the fullest extent, because that's what he likes - me! Any time I spend trying to be someone I'm not is a wasted opportunity to attract that person who is right for me.
TLDR: really visualise a person who is wildly attracted to exactly the person you are, and live like they are watching. I hope this helps! 💖
Absolutely love your mindset!
The way you talk about your ex reminds me a lot of how I talk about my ex. he did all these things that I noticed later had the sole purpose of keeping me down. he'd try to plant small little insecurities because deep down he knew I was too good for him lol. for example, I like to sing around the house and he always acted like it was the worst thing he'd ever heard even though I have a completely normal singing voice. it made me seriously doubt myself. and now, my current boyfriend always tells me I have the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard :') there are people out there that try to build you up instead of tearing you down. it's just hard to imagine for us in the beginning because we're not used to that!
So so true. Unfortunately so many insecure people don’t know how to handle their insecurities properly and therefore try to drag you into their misery hole as well, bc at least then they won’t be the only one ‘suffering’.
I can’t tell you how happy I am that you didn’t lose your voice and I hope you sing as much as possible in order to really enjoy your newly gained freedom to both be, and *love* yourself, as the person you are!! ❤️✨
@@iCharlyprime omg thank you so much!!
The projection IS REAL. 😢
Omg!!!! I cannot tell you how much this resonated with me. The whole part of "what men like is generally likeable", and how a man finally choosing you gives you the comfort of being somewhat "choosable". Wow. I mean, I'm 26 now and I feel like I've mostly overcome the NEED (and when I say need, i mean NEED; a need like drinking water or breathing air lol) to be deemed as desirable by men (my female friends who always used to tell me that I was beautiful obvs don't count at ALL lol), and my own attractiveness isn't as much an issue to me anymore, I feel like this topic will never not make me FURIOUS because I wasted SO MUCH TIME. I literally spent half my life thinking I was too ugly to be looked at by men when I wasn't wearing makeup. And even when I was somewhat done up, because you can't really hide a nose like mine lol trust me. No contouring in the world could AND THATS OK. There is sooooo much more to us than our physical appearance, and I'm infinitely sad that so many of us are struggling with this for so many years. Years that we could be spending making art, laughing, eating delicious food, and so on.
Very relatable. I'm 22 and never have I ever been desired or just particularly liked. I don't know what's "wrong" with me... Since childhood I've been lowkey bullied for looking too boy-ish even though I've always been pretty "girly", shy and petite. I guess it's my face though it's not even that manly, just a little too bland plus I don't enjoy wearing make up... I am virtually "undesirable" even though I have many "girly" characteristics and that just depresses me. I feel like a ghost, nobody sees or remembers me even when I'm in the room. It's hard being a funny kid when you're also heavily introverted. Nobody will give you a chance to prove yourself worthy of their attention...
I'm someone who's very romantic, hopelessly hopeless romantic. I read a lot of romance, I daydream a lot about romance, I have loved a lot of people unrequitedly. They always turn me down and tell me something patronising and full of pity. I'm so tired I just don't want to even try at this point. Why do I always have to put in all the work? Can I be lazy just for once? Can *I* be the one who's liked for once? So I gave up. I will probably die alone and this pains me. I want to feel loved, valued, cherished, respected, adored, I want to do fun couply stuff at least once. I'm jealous of my "desirable" friends and it annoys me when they complain about getting men's attention even though I understand that what they talk about is not nice but I can't help it. I'm so desperate I would really just agree to be abused and harassed if that means I get some of that special attention and touch. That's really pathetic.
It's not like I didn't try to make myself more likable, I tried make up but didn't liked it, I fought with my body and got an eating disorder that I still can't fully recover from, I tried to immerse myself in cool manly things just to get close to them, I tried to be more cheery, more mysterious, more something that I am not and more like myself but nothing worked. At this point my best option is to get crazy rich and buy love from some gigolo. That will never happen though... I understand that I can live a good life without relationships but I still long for them and I don't know what to do about that.
You are only 22, life is still long. Keep on making money anyway, you can buy as many beautiful people as you want with money. One of the Korean idol in a group that I like, he is raised by a rich woman. He is in so many projects eventhough he is not as talented or as handsome like the other guys in the group!
Anyway, if you are rich even if you don't have romance you can have cute boys to raise and that's enough.
Your brain- frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until 27/28. You will see an internal change at this time- please hold on
For me it’s kinda the opposite I run away of people cuz I don’t want anyone to crush on me or something like that it’s like a trauma I have, and I wish I could work on my social anxiety so that I could live my life without having to run away, sometimes I dressed less attractive just so I don’t get attention only of my friends, maybe it’s cuz I am introverted and social anxious idk😢
My guess is your either ignoring decent men by hyper-focusing on "pretty-boys" in an attempt to acquire a romantic fantasy, or your giving off massive red flags. They're might be other factors but that's my best guess judging by what you wrote.
I've been in that headspace where you just want more than anything to be in a relationship, any relationship. But then gradually I reframed the scarcity mindset of trying to be attractive to as many men as possible to 'better the chances', into realising I only need to be attractive to one man. I want to be in a relationship with one man who will be wildly attracted to me and love me like crazy for exactly who I am. And so in order to attract this man I have to pursue being me to the fullest extent, because that's what he likes - me! Any time I spend trying to be someone I'm not is a wasted opportunity to attract that person who is right for me.
TLDR: really visualise a person who is wildly attracted to exactly the person you are, and live like they are watching. Hope this helps! 💖
I feel like me being ugly affects every part of my day to day life, and also just my online presence and dreams… I wish I was one of the ppl that are naturally attractive lol, also girly you’re so pretty
same.
That "just accept this is who you are" mentality helped me a lot. I stopped trying to prove myself i was something I wasn't. I got more comfortable in my own skin which made me more confident, in a relaxed way.
Realizing I didn't have to be attracted to myself for someone else to be attracted to me was super eye opening. It is entirely possible that you are just not your type. Weird to think about, but totally true!
Humans are social creatures, you are completely normal for having deep feelings about dating. I am an unattractive person with jacked up teeth lol who is now married. One thing I learned is that my husband didn’t see “my” insecurities. These boxes only exist in your head, my husband didn’t notice half of the things I thought would hold me back from finding love. You are 100% going to be fine, someone will love you and find you gorgeous.
Exactly this.
I relate to you as an Asian woman with large biceps and adhd(which makes me unable to sit still/be quiet and act feminine) men not only find me unattractive but also constantly criticized my looks along with my demeanor, (cuz how dare an Asian woman make more noise than a cat and weigh over 50 kilos lmao) despite the fact that I do fit the beauty standards for the most part. You’re very pretty and I can imagine I’d be very comfortable around you. Men don’t have a sense of what’s beautiful and what’s not.
"Probably a moth- I am not a butterfly." is the most relatable thing I have heard in a WHILE.
girl i love your content!! i resonate with being “semi-attractive” tall, a lil overweight, teeth, & afro. and to have a man’s validation after all of that i held onto that
So glad my video resonated with you, and believe me: without the male gaze we wouldn’t even consider ourselves ‘semi-attractive’ in the first place, so not caring about their opinion anymore truly is what sets us as women free ❤️✨
nah girl, if that's you on your pfp, you're stunning 💖
@nomenenimipsumloquitur So true
Funny how average women realising their averageness becomes a political level event of sadness now. You should try being an average man😂. You would suffer it much more silently (and brutally since women are hypergamous,)
I definitely relate to feeling so validated once a MAN was attracted to me. My first experience with dating was with a girl, and it was also a very negative experience. I hadn’t grown up with boys asking me out, boys getting flustered around me, boys liking me. All my experiences with boys had been platonic, but over time I did feel sad that it seemed like no one was attracted to me. So when a man DID finally find me attractive and caught feelings for me, I felt like I was soaring over the moon. It took a few reality checks from women around me who’d been hit on by men since their early teens that it doesn’t take much to get a man attracted to you. But to me, it’s still always been rare for anyone to find me attractive
Sometimes I can't believe how people have been single for so long. My current gf has never dated but she's an absolute angel to me.
dude you talking about your first bf got me so so so mad. ugh. i love your energy. its so genuine, no-bullshit refreshing… truly a breath of fresh air sister
The person you're with shouldn't just tolerate your quirks, they should love them as part of what makes you you. If they don't love you for being yourself then they don't love you period. Like you said it's much better to be happy by yourself than miserable with someone.
I never dated in my high school or my teens and 20s and I’m now 32 and getting a PhD and I feel so behind everyone else. This topic resonates with me so much. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m autistic or not desirable that’s the biggest turn off tbh. Going to therapy has helped me not to attach my self worth to whether a man finds me attractive though or doesn’t like my autism.
I think it’s important to put into perspective that the world is putting romantic relationships onto a pedestal. I‘m jeet to be diagnosed with autism but I really understand the feelings you describe. Being around friends and family members who love me for me is helping me in times I want to be in a romantic relationship really bad. ❤️🩹
I find it strange that you even have to apologize for not being fat or your race. Facial attractiveness matters much more than anything else, yet it is rarely talked about. Even in spaces that should be inclusive, for instance fat acceptance, lgbt community, when people talk about race, etc. Like most people post fat models that facially look like traditional models and say they are beautiful because fat is beautiful. No one ever notices they look like classical models. An ugly fat girl has a completely different experience. The same goes for people discriminated against for other reasons, like their sexuality or race, for instance if someone is trans, but passes and looks pretty, they can have a normal life because no one even knows. An ugly person will be beaten up. Sure, there is discrimination based on belonging to the group, but it differs very much depending on how the person looks.
This lol. People don't seem to wanna address often
I get that validation as a woman in society by being in a relationship, I was in my only romantic relationship because essentially I wanted that checkmark, that meant I was desirable enough sooo you can guess that relationship didn't last long (2 months lol) it taught me a lot about myself and we are still on good terms so yeah, as always great video bestie!!
As long as you learned something from it, it was worth it in my book 😌❤️
@@iCharlyprimeyou should see how not worth it it is for men. If it wasn't for male lust, and female sexuality, we wouldn't even talk to women..there is nothing our male friends can't do better and in a more trustworthy manner
@@keylanoslokj1806 Except for procreation which has became increasingly risky for men due to feminism's war between the genders and too many women biting that poisonous fruit
@@keylanoslokj1806Nobody cares.
My lack of self esteem runs so deep that even the rare times a man has shown interest, even if i liked them i would reject them. I would feel like i was taking advantage and think about what other people would think. I feel so much shame and sadness about my appearance, i've not tried dating, even if there was a man desperate enough to go near me, i cringe at the thought of walking down the street and people thinking 'whats HE doing with HER' i honestly just feel so uncomfortable in my body.
Omg same
This is your mother dropping by, im 42...men literally do not care what you look like, but women do...I've been told I'm beautiful my whole life and it has literally gotten me nowhere...in fact I'm on the outside fringes...not married, no kids, no career....I am smart and kind tho and probably autistic lol, but pretty has never gotten me anything except compliments from other women and narcissists so...just learn to love yourself and other women...men are irrelevant. Don't let "society" tell you any different
My gosh, I can relate to the "probably Autistic". I've been diagnosed with ADHD at almost 30 and when I said I wonder if I could be on the spectrum, because of the list of reasons I gave, they told me I would need to go through more testing with Behavioral Health. No thanks.
But, being pretty I can't relate to 😂 but, not being pretty hasn't stopped me from accomplishing some things, so I can't really complain.
Ive always thought of myself as ugly and not worthy or any ones affection. Then I went on my first date and the guy complimented me, called me cute and wants to hang out with me. My confidence has gone from 0 to 100. Sometimes all it takes is that one person in your life who values you and wants to be with you.
Finding your niche is the magic. A group of people who have your interests and values will make it easier to be confident and to find a partner who actually likes you. It gets easier as you get older as well. Men finally catch up in maturity with the girls. Never dated a boy the same age.
I've seen and met so many men and women get into normal relationships, despite just looking average or moderately below, that I refuse to think that the only options any non-hot people have are abusers like the one you had as a boyfriend.
Loved this reflective video. It sounds like your previous boyfriend was not only not the right fit for you, but also deeply insecure himself. My exboyfriend also thought I was too much / loud / crazy / disgusting at times. I am very rational and masculine in my vibe which can be off-putting for some, but I can tell you now: my fiancé today absolutely adores all of these qualities about me. And my "weirdness" is what he finds highly attractive. This is because he is a better complement to my natural personality but also because he has a deeper sense of self-worth than my ex. My point here is: if someone makes you feel like you are not enough, it is because THEY feel they are not enough, deep down. As cheesy as it is, the best thing you can do to find a partner with healthy self worth is to cultivate that within yourself.
thanks for sharing this. It was vulnerable in the best way. I have found being back into the dating sphere that I have no patience for people who are not curious about me as a person. So many first dates with men where I am asking all the questions, inquiring into their interests and lives while getting no questions back. Nothing is lonelier than being with someone who you have tried to understand but they have not returned the favor. I used to try to invest myself into their interests so we'd have things to talk about. But I now know we would have things to talk about if they... actually knew enough things about me. I don't have to go the extra mile just because I am "average" looking.
Intriguing. Can say I have the same experience but with women and in my opinion it's because they are not attracted to me as much I am attracted to them or perhaps they have simply more choice, honestly I do not know at this point nor care. The problem is that happens even with chicks that are average looking at best, it does really fuck with your self-esteem at times. Perhaps we are trying too hard where there is no interest in the first place. Feel free to prove me wrong.
relatable
@@Rufuluss No need to be proved wrong, I'm sure your experience is valid and always a good reminder that it happens to both men and women. I can definitely relate for sure. Not only when I'm on dates with men who don't bother getting to know me (leads to a lot of awkward convo/questions just on my end), but many people in general. I can always tell who will be a long term friend for me based on the mutual interest we both share in learning more about each other. Relationships of all kinds can be hard :(
You are not semi attractive you are attractive it doesn’t matter how pretty you are most people struggle with their looks. For example Margot Robbie is extremely beautiful and yet hundreds of people will call her mid. Social media is just ruining the public perception of beauty.
She did surgery
Thank you! Also social media did the same thing with the one actress from Euphoria, Sydney Sweeney I think her name is.
from my understanding, margot robbie _really_ struggled with finding herself beautiful and didn’t understand how she was getting these roles 🤣 for a long time. i hope she does now 🖤
I agree! This girl is so ridiculously beautiful, I can’t handle the insane beauty standards these days
I feel beauty standardcs have gotten so much higher now with social media and filters etc... The same beautiful girls back in the day would now be more seen as "'meh shes ok". @@texvirgo9847
This video is a year old but I hope you see this Charly.
I would even call myself an attractive person (according to western white beauty standards) but even I was subject to every ounce of internalized mysogyny that you described here. You are absolutely correct that men’s opinions are valued so much more than women’s, and the observation that men rarely engage with “stuff for women” (and the fact that we even call it stuff for women only) is very astute. I too felt growing up that every time a man paid me any attention, it meant I was good and valuable.
I’m 27 now, and I have a husband. And I STILL. To this day. Crave attention from men. I want them all to find me desirable and hot and sexy and blah blah blah. The way our society tells women that that’s where all their worth is is sick and needs to be changed, but of course change is slow.
Thank you for your candor and your observations, you’ve given me stuff to think about!
the thing/word you might be looking for when talking about how what men like/enjoy/etc is seen as the kind of the norm vs when women enjoy something it’s just their preference is called androcentrism by the way!
Thank you so much for letting me know! I’ve been trying to put it into words for so long, and to now have a term I can research is *amazing*!! ☺️
I am in my mid 30s and age is a wonderful leveller of the playing field. At this point, men (and people in general) are choosing people more based and shared values and joyful experiences. As we get older we learn that pretty is both temporary and low value. But someone to laugh with, learn from, and who helps you grow into your best self, is everything.
In short, boys and insecure people will go for the submissive prettty decoration. Men will have something more to offer you, and love you for more.
I have only been in love with one man in my life. I slowly comsumed myself trying to please him and trying to get his validation. And then, after our divorce, I tried dating. And I breifly shaped myself towards the male gaze. Wondered and hurt myself in the name of why the men didn't, wouldn't love me. It was exhausting. And fruitless. So I gave up on that. And in this fresh year, I am embracing living life for myself, and embracing loving myself deeply first and foremost. Decentering men, or decentering romance overall is so healthy and helps reframe yourself within your mind. Its freeing. ❤
omg i said this once and everyone was so upset but not everyone is born to be pretty and that’s okay because the world does not function solely on the need of beautiful things.
Everyone is pretty
From one side - absolutely yes. I really feel very properly integrated into this world as a partner, friend, daughter, professional, and a member of several communities. There are many of my qualities, which seem to make me generally likable - even with my quite mediocre looks. And if we think logically,the last people I need in my life are people, who care about looks only, cause there is so much more in me. But... Now I'm already getting older, so more and more far away from the beauty standards I never met anyway... And I start to feel sad about the perspective of living my entire life without ever experiencing this feeling of being a "proper" beautiful woman. It's like, I could have get this opportunity, probably, if I would spend all my money on plastic surgery, but I have other financial priorities, so, I guess, that will never happen. So, it's a kind of fear of missed opportunities.
@@autreelodia3456 wat? Beauty standards? Y r u bother? Its sexist myogenic bulsh*t. Because of that girls suffer and not feeling enough worthiness. Bulimia, anorexia, psycho traumas - Its the real beauty standarts. They r not worth ur time.
Its like a religion. Y r u praying to wrong gods. They r destroying us. Its a men world thing - to make men feel better. Dont u know? Ur the most treasure in ur own life. Theres no anyone more beautiful than u r.
If u want u can take exercise and build the dream body. Its f real. And if u do it right its also very healthy and will prolong ur youth
My best friend was always prettier than me and whenever we were together, she would be the one to get the most attention from guys; like one time a guy literally made friends with me because he probably wanted to get closer to my best friend, like we were friends for months and would hang out together everyday hours after school with my best friend and once she left our school he just straight up stopped hanging out with me and acted as if we never even talked lmao 💀 I mean yeah guys in high school are pretty dumb and shallow but still
Semi attractive is average, most people aren’t models. Social media keeps us all living in a magazine.
I have always thought it is not about men finding you attractive, it’s about the right man finding you attractive. My bf finds me very attractive though I don’t really think I am. Still I’ve had other men show interest in the past but never liked any of them, so the interest was not welcome and it even bothered me sometimes. But my bf is another story, I like him so much that as long as HE likes me back what every other guy out there thinks is irrelevant to me.
When I begin to feel bad about my looks or look down on myself. What helps me is a question I ask myself. "Who made this rule?" "Who said that this is beauty and this isn't beauty?" "According to whose standard?"
I can totally relate and fully agree! If I cannot find someone who loves me for who I am (and viceversa), I am genuinely prepared to be single forever.
that clip of you after the break up, fearing but at the same time wanting to be yourself, and finally feeling free... was so conforting to me
also you reacting to it was so funny. i didn know you but im glad i found this video!
Idk how I stumbled on this video & of course it’s late at night on an early work day BUT I just want to say my chin hit the floor by the end of this. I’m so glad I didn’t click off this & decided to listen to it through. Everything you said is so true & exactly how I feel/felt/what I went through. I too am stronger than I was before, but I am still growing like all of us. I completely agree with you. I love that you put this out there. Keep being you babe.
I’ll def keep being me and I hope you do too!! Judging by this comment you’re doing absolutely amazing and are on the best path to become your beautiful authentic self ❤️✨
When she brings up the point of a woman reading a book written by a man vs a man reading a book written by a woman, it touches on the fact that the dominant culture will always be seen as the norm. It reminds me of how, as a person of color, a movie or book with a white protagonist or cast is seen as a just regular book movie that everyone can identify with and experience. However if, for example, a book or movie has a cast that is predominantly black, it's seen as a "black movie" and will mainly draw only that audience.
There are some exceptions, ahem, Black Panther. But I have several white friends who have never seen movies that I would consider mainstream like Hidden Figures, The Help, The Color Purple, or Dream Girls. Most had never even heard of them despite their acclaim. Movies, books, and video games that feature non-white protagonists are often seen as having a "relatability" concern where white characters don't. Much in the same way that female vs male characters used, and to some extent, still do.
I love the algorithm for suggesting this video to me 🥰 your words and character are genuinely a blessing! Never stop being yourself and don’t settle for anything less ♥️
Watching the video again because my tired brains wasn’t ready for these truths last night..
Thank you for your thoughts! They made me think haha.
The male gaze really is the thing for me. I think we are automatically attracted to things that we see so often that they become familiar (only way beauty standards are able to be so oddly specific yet different amongst cultures and times). When I spend too much time consuming shows and movies shot with a male gaze, I get weird body images of myself. Because like you said, the male perspective is the normal view. But then once in a while I’ll see something shot so different and aesthetic. It’s still conventionally gorgeous people, but it doesn’t make me feel shitty about myself looking at it from the female gaze. And then I realise that it’s NOT that I only find all these engineered bodies and faces on screens beautiful, I do find other „unconventionally beautiful“ people beautiful too. Including myself. And if I am able to sit on an underground train, look at all the diverse people in my city, and think „wow, humans are GORgeOUs!“ then a dude, anyone, can too. (With the side note that thinking someone is beautiful is not the same as finding them attractive). In that realm I am also working on unpicking the beauty-worth clusterfuck, because those things aren’t linked whatsoever. Even if that is the consensus that is being pushed on us all.
And lastly, I think I’m done with expecting less of men. It’s almost infantilising how we sometimes act towards them. I know for a fact that masculinity isn’t so one dimensional as it is portrayed (lucked out with my family). And there is nothing so fundamentally different in a man’s brain from anyone else.
Really recommend the video essay „the fantastic masculinity of newt scamander“ and following Fabian Hart on socials for hot takes on masculinity
Sooo much to unpack here bc everything you said is imo extremely crucial. You not expecting less of men anymore though, is definitely the thing that made me smile bc you’re RIGHT, it IS infantilizing, and it is partially up to us to not tolerate this sort of behavior anymore.
Also the thing with sitting on the subway and finding random strangers beautiful is something I thought of too, literally any face/body/human looks so so wonderful to me, but (like I mentioned in the vid) once I started watching reality tv again, it was as though my perception started to become warped again and I saw both the world and myself through the male gaze, once again.
It’s so so easy to get wrapped up in it, but I think if we as women stick together and don’t adhere to the male gaze as the norm anymore, hopefully someday, things might be different.
Thank you so much for this comment, I really enjoyed reading it!! ☺️✨
@@iCharlyprime whoa thank you for actually reading my ramble ❤ (and again for making me think about this stuff and being open)
When you tell people you think you're hot or act confidently as if you know you're hot then people try to bring you down. If you walk around telling people you think you're only average or below average they get all up and arms and begin aggressively and exasperatingly telling you you're beautiful and just need to work on "loving" yourself more and seeing your "inner and outer beauty".
So the issue is that no matter how you see yourself, other people will ALWAYS have a problem with it! "Oh look at that [_] she thinks she's such hot sh*t when really she's only average at best, with makeup!" Or "Aww you're being too hard on yourself! Maybe if you were just more confident then you'd attract a man who loves you and thinks you're beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way!"
People just absolutely suck.
i love you and this video is so refreshing!! really the lives of attractive people and semi-attractive/ unattractive people are very different and it seems like people just want to sweep that fact under the rug by saying "nooo you're stunning!! you're beautiful!!" like i know im not and that's ok with me!!!
Red and orange is absolutely the colour for green eyes ! Your eyemakeup popped ! ♥️ Also, I'm so glad you could get out of that situation and teach yourself to respect yourself. An emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship leaves you so alone, so broken and so diminished that for a lot of people it seems impossible to live alone again and be enough on their own. Every girl out there, relationship or none, needs to watch this ♥️
I so relate with this idea of what men like = what humans like, and what women like = what _women_ specifically like. Women throughout my life have always told me I'm beautiful, but I would *never* consider myself conventionally attractive because men haven't done the same.
If it was the reverse and men were telling me this, then of course I would feel "beautiful". I've been chasing this feeling of being "beautiful" for so long and haven't even realized that I'm just chasing male validation...Yikes.
i just found your channel tonight but your videos make me feel so so valid. and your videos make me smile. i love your energy. im kind of in a slump right now and struggling with self love and needing external validation, but listening to you talk about your own issues makes me feel more confident that i'll get through these obstacles as well and hopefully i find the kind of love that you have with your friends. i really just want to be loved as i am,..tired of pretending.
This was soooo real. It was a relatively heavy topic and probably vulnerable for you so it feels weird to say i enjoyed it, but i did. There was just something so refreshing and cathartic about it. Like opening up to a friend
girl you’re amazing. your content is a breath of fresh air
I really wanna hug you.
Your genuineness is truly a huge breath of fresh air- thanks a lot for the upload.
Wow!! Did not know how much I needed to hear “Being desirable is not worth risking your happiness over” today, but I am so grateful I did! I really appreciated this video.
I think that convincing people that they're beautiful when they're clearly struggling is counterproductive but let me tell you, you really reminded me of my crush, that I was obsessed with for months even tho I never saw her in person lmao
I'm also really struggling with my appearance and dating. I have really low self-esteem, especially after having acne and weight gain and the fact that I never was in relationship is like a nail in a coffin for me, it's like a confirmation that my negative self talk is right and I really should be hating myself.
I hope that one day we'll both find somebody who's obsessed with exactly the type of person we are, because love isn't really about appearance but who we are, you can't spend time with someone for idk their nose come on. I don't know you but you look like a joy to be around. It's not your fault you're straight 😞😞
I agree
That last sentence was everything 😂😩
it's WILD that this girl thinks she's only semi attractive
i havent found a youtuber that relatable to my experience of life in a long long while (if ever) so thank you!!!
thanks for this video :) I've been considering this whole "tone myself down" for a bit for the first time in my life, and listening to you reminded me of how much I don't wanna lose myself in the middle of a relationship
This came on tonight while I was reorganizing my Sonny Angels and Idk what to say other than thank you for helping me realize that first comes me before the person someone wants me to be. Ive been in such a low and uncreative point of my life due to a friendship break up and a romantic relationship break up, and its been so hard to be able to move on from this. I just didn't know why I was feeling this way unloved, betrayed, confused. I just came across your channel and I'm glad you came up in the recommended it helped me realize that I'm not alone and this too will pass and its just a matter of time for me to heal from the wounds that were inflicted on me. Thank you again :(
Im going through relationship problems and this video made me feel so much better, it gave me confidence and taught me what actually matters. You’re so funny and smart ( also love your Style) and I feel like listening to a big sister giving me advices🤍 thank you for the video! Keep going & glowing ✨
Thank you for being so honest. This is what life is like for some of us. ❤
girl you're so real
So relatable, so inspiring. Thank you!
And you're totally rocking that make-up look!
im glad this video is out there, you make a whole lotta very insightful and self aware arguments, thanks for sharing your experience 💜
This video, and your little confession video, WAS SO SLAY
DUDE
SLAYYYY😊
AND YOU'RE LITERALLY SO FKN GORGEOUS!
patriarchal and eurocentric beauty standards have been terrible for society
The industrial revolution has been detrimental to the human race 😂
@@keylanoslokj1806
No, it hasn't.
What patriarchal beauty standards? And Eurocentric beauty standards are fine in white countries. Why are you disparaging it? Are white people not allowed to elevate themselves in their own countries?
You sound a little racist but okay.
Thank you so much for your transparency, and honesty.
What an amazing human being you are 💚 Discovered you recently and I'm loving the energy. Watching you feels like hanging out with a friend and it's just the perfect amount of fun, wisdom and aesthetics. Hope your channel grows big!
this is like, my fav video of ALL time. i relate to you SOOOOO much and ur advice is gold. love from brazil.
You're such a good speaker ✨
Oh how I relate to you. Thank you for filming this video 💗This video really resonated with me
Loved this video charly! Thankyou for your valuable thoughts and perspective
This video made me cry. Thank you, I needed to hear all of this
I literally felt cathartic qnd being reborn again bc i for the first time saw me in another person and it felt like a hug ive been waiting for sososososo long and all the responses to my experinces just to be hit with "look at my makeup" goddammit
And always remember- most people are too busy worrying about their own insecurities to think about your 'flaws'.
I love you! Thanks for making this
I needed this a lot. Thank you.
Top tip. You have the perfect humour and complexion for an English husband. If you can cope with the cold you’ll clean up over here xx
Seriously, thank you for making this video. I'm tall (170 cm, which might not seem tall in western standards but it's considered giant in my little Asian home country) has board shoulder, deep voice...etc. Growing up it's honestly traumatizing to stand out among my petit classmates and friends, got teased by the boys and sometimes even teachers joke about me being so tall and "large".
I know i shouldn't seek male validation, or even anybody's validation at all, but I just can't help to think that i will finally learn to love myself if someone loves me first. I will learn self love if i know I'm "worth" it...
Watched all the way through and I am so glad that you've found validation outside of that boyfriend he sucks you're wonderful and it's awesome that you see it yourself now!
Just found your channel super recently and wish you all the success, because the vibes are impeccable! Just wanted to say - it is so heartwarming and reassuring, hearing this perspective outside the space of social commentary or feminist channels (both of which occupy a dear place in my heart, no doubt). Women are so much more than just these vessels for societal convention or male gaze incarnation, and watching you is nothing short of delightful - you are positively LUMINOUS! Keep up the good work and Im looking forward to everything you'll come up with next! xx
keep talking girl you’re doing amazing
Thank you for this, it really resonated. I’m saving this video to watch when I find myself starting to spiral. ❤
i love videos like this so much, it resonates A LOT with me
Really glad my thoughts resonated with you ✨☺️
This really resonated with me. Thank you💙
I love your personality you seem so genuine and honest. I'm going thru some relationship problems atm & you sharing your story really helped me out. I relate so much to feeling like you have to be someone else. Thank you so much this was really helpful
I obviously can’t and won’t jump to any conclusions here, but no matter the kind of relationship, whether it be romantic, platonic or familial, whenever you have an inkling of ‘oh I better not act like myself here’, something’s up and if possible, that should be communicated.
Truly wish you all the best and all the strength ❤️
@@iCharlyprime ‘oh I better not act like myself here’ This is something I feel too often but didn't want to acknowledge or maybe didn't realize & you just put it so simply! Now that you've verbalized it in a way I never did I feel it will be so much easier to recognize. Thank you! I wish you all the same
i know this is a serious video but you're so naturally funny girl omg i literally can't breathe
yeah this is everything. love u for this
I love the fact that you are just you’re funny self. I’ve learned a lot because I thought my type of humor would scare people away so I’m always quiet especially men once they learn I’m the cute little shy girl they want me to be they don’t like me but I can be myself with my friends
Facts! You are you. People that don’t like that can open the swinging door and get the hell out. We should seek to surround ourselves with people that love our quirks the way we do. (Or if you don’t yet, the way your friends do.)
I relate to this a lot as also a tall, not small, somewhat masculine girl. my personlity is simply not that mold.
Your eyes are STUNNING! This make up suits you so much!
relatable asf, hoping you find someone as intellectual as yourself one day 🤞