Melanie is totally right. When you start working on yourself, you don't give two shits about the narcissist. You are a different at the end of road. Narcs are not. You see them for the first time without your rose coloured glasses on and you gasp at whatever you were drawn to them in the first place.
I called out my narcissist wife after 20 years - and she left me. So - I'd say it worked and for me it was important to say what I had to say. Did it fix her? No. But it gives me a chance to fix myself.
Did you have children? Did they go with her? I did the same and my wife has taken my 7 year old daughter. I don't miss my wife but I fear for my daughter. Were you able to get your children?
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 Luckily we did not have children. Hopefully, you can find a way to raise your daughter together. Nobody can just 'take' a child. You have rights.
22 years married to my narc. Not once in 22 years would she take responsibility for her own pathology. Not once in 22 years was I able to reason with her. Reason always broke down into cat herding sessions. I stopped trying to reason with her fairly early, I stopped telling her anything about myself, she'd use anything as ammunition. I'd listen a hour a day to her rants about how so and so was all messed up and to how great she was. I'd just nod my head and just say hmmmm and whatever... I didn't hear a single positive thing about me or others for at least 15 years. I purposely got a 12 hours shift night job so I wouldn't have to see her more than an hour a day. As she got less and less ammo against me, I began to see how empty she is, there is nothing there, take away the bad talk and bragging and there is nothing there. She is an empty void. As my final comment I wrote her and called her out as a sociopath and narcissist and then I never again had contact. If she tried I hung up, would not answer the door and burned any letters before reading them.
Analiza Ali, I was stupid. But we had children and I stayed for them. The abuse came on gradually like the old analogy of cooking the frog. I believe another reason was, I believed I could help her. I learned the hard way, there is no help and no cure.
stephen coleman amen to that. I actually do feel for my 2nd ex-husband. He was good to me in many ways but now I see why. Ironically it still helped me. It makes me so angry at his mother (and I know I can't hold on to that), but just that he never had the support and comfort he deserved as a child. Actually I think my dad was one, and hence why it feels slightly normal for me to deal with them. But now I identify bad behavior or how covert narcissists operate. I love how Melanie talks about healing our own wounds though to share love in to the world.
savvadev, That is the reason why I stayed, to protect the kids, but she turned them against me and each other. They are messed up anyway, whether I stayed or not. Looking back on it, I should have left much sooner. I don't think staying made any difference. But if you can, build a case against her to use in court so you can get custody. That would have been the best for me. Writing down in hand with dates and descriptions of her behavior IS court admissible evidence. Recording her would also be very helpful in court. As you know narcs are skilled liars and if you don't have a case built up she will win. I wish I would have known this while I was still with her. Of course keep the docs or recordings where she can't find them.
OMG I did the same thing. I finally came to the conclusion that telling him what he does to me and how it hurts me, is futile. They absolutely know exactly what they are doing to people. Wow. I quit working on him and started working on me!! Now I don't care what he says or does, I'm not letting him back into my head and making me focus on him. I'm putting more and more space between us, until I disappear from him or he dumps me, which ever comes first. Yay.
Sunny Daye Same here! I don't even care anymore He's shown his abuse to our children many times and I had never heard of this and when I started to understand MY WHOLE LIFE AS I KNEW IT MADE Sense AND I AM ADDRESSING MY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ISSUES WHICH IS WHAT MY NARC HAS SHOWN ME
Sunny Daye Bravo!!! Been putting space between my narc and self. If he wont willingly leave then i will push him out. Eventually he will get tired of my withdrawing away from him and unaffection he will have no choice but to go.
Sunny Daye Hi I’m curious if you are married to your narc? And you’re trying to work on yourself, are you hoping he discards you because you know it would be easier that way? Because that’s kind of where I’m at I tried to leave last year and I just knew he would make my life a living hell so I’m doing a lot of self work trying to get a job etc & Just seeing where it goes from there when you try to leave them they just completely become unhinged
yup... when i called him out.. he retaliated by labeling me every sing;e thing.. he was .. i had to laugh and told him to get the fk out of my house.. i have cut contact since.. LIFE IS GREAT NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not true that a narcissist is always produced by childhood trauma. Some of the worst narcs were raised by loving normal parents and some of the strongest people you will ever meet are those who survived childhood trauma.
i agree. i think we always want to feel bad for evil people and think that if we love them enough that they will change, but its just not true. some people's brains are just messed up from the start....
+Fedeleness...I agree it is not always due to childhood "trauma". I know several people on the NPD spectrum and some came from great parents and some didn't. Yet, if you think about it....I think in most cases there were still some dysfunction going on. My ex had NPD. He had great parents...but....his mother did everything for him. He could do no wrong in her eyes....there were no boundaries between them. If I didn't know better I would almost think they were having a relationship. It was almost incestuous....but I know there wasn't anything physical going on. It was just that they were so connected mentally and emotionally. I noticed that there was some detachment between his mother and father though. It was the weirdest relationship I had ever seen. I believe he never established proper boundaries with his mother in childhood. I don't think it has to necessarily be "trauma"...but I still believe NPD is created from odd relationships between parents and children and the type of bonding that have. I think NPD can be created from having a parent(S) that are either detached or too involved - both are bad.
@Angel Bulldog yes. Emotions Anonymous was my beginning of recovery from traits of Borderline and histrionic and narc. The word ATTITUDE is what I teach to my clients. It is the only thing we can choose in many situations. It also Adds up to 100. It is every thing. A=1 T =20 E=5...do the math. Teach your friend. DBT Skills of mindfulness and Emotional regulation were very effective too. Free dbt handbook pdf Fulton hospital online. It takes daily practice but works.
I called him out just to let him know that I'd figured him out, and would never let him back in my life. Then I blocked him and walked away. Made me feel loads better.
Exact same thing I did. DIdn't even stick around for the response. It's only been a week, so I don't know if she is gone forever, god I hope so. Hope she's terrified to try me again. DId yours ever bother you again?
Thats what im willing to do! Just say to her that I figured it out who she really is and then ill go back to no contact! I think im going to feel way better
You can say whatever you want to a narcissist. it does not matter. they exist when you are yelling at them. nothing is getting in except you are wasting valuable energy breathing the same air as them.
You NEVER tell a narcissist that you know they have NPD. First, you'll lose the upper hand of knowing their "secret." Second, they will never listen or believe what you tell them anyway, so what is the point.
Yes and I wonder if they will see it as even more of an excuse to carry out the behaviours they commit! I have a friend who is bipolar and Ive actually heard her saying she could use her diagnoses as an excuse to be nasty to people and get away with it? Nice.
I just called my mother out this very night. She was telling me all the things I should have been grateful for during my childhood. She said our family was full of love compared to this other one. I said if you equate psychological abuse with love, then yep, our family was full of love. She went nuts. Now I'm getting the silent treatment. Joke's on her though because I just don't care anymore.
Yes. Not because they won't hear you, but because they can't. Narcissists are not consciously hiding away their nasty destructive little secret.......... They don't know it exists. To their own minds, they are just normal -- but specially talented and important --- people, whose massive worth, for some crazy reason, is not acknowledged by the rest of humanity.
I called them out just before my discard of them. I did it bec it made me feel good. And you can bet your bottom dollar that no one else had the audacity to say it. I knew they were never going to change, and that wasn't my purpose. However when I dropped these individuals, it was all about ME for a change. Which felt lovely. The hell with them we must put ourselves first. Let us not forget the projection that they love to do when they get on the hot seat lol. All of a sudden you,who used to be their "everything" get demoted to the biggest failure they ever saw. They all will rot in hell for the emotional crimes that they committed upon others. They are so proud of the amounts of hearts that they have broken. Great video, lovely lady.
Tranquility I agree. It is not for response or for them to suddenly realize they need to change or vindication. It is a very personal decision on an individual basis. It made me feel very good to let my NARC know that I was aware of what they were and tell them for the final time to NEVER contact me again. I will also agree it should be done when you no longer are going to allow for contact, as you are exiting stage left and intend to STICK TO IT
She is correct - pushing a narcissist only makes them push harder. They will NEVER admit they have a problem because doing so removes their reason for being. And they cannot and will not remove that much of themselves.
NEVER. It's like debating truth with a person who is hell bent on lying and manipulation. Truth doesn't serve them, UNLESS it can be manipulated. And a truth manipulated IS THE EQUIVALENT of a lie.
My narc has praised me to my face but talks about behind my back (caught him text an ex that I was so naive). I am definitely an un healed empath. I have to remind myself daily to focus in on my growth and move away from getting consumed with understanding all that's the pathology of a narc.
A very similar thing happened to me. He had problems with me which he would not tell me about at all, he would act extremely normal to me, but he texted nasty things about me to his ex which I happened to stumble upon. I am also still an unhealed empath. How are you doing now, though?
i disagree. calling them out lets them know that you know what they are and what hey have been doing and that the game is over. Because a big part of the rush that they feel comes from the fact that they have been manipulating you. If you don't call them out they will believe that they have continued to dupe you. Calling them out is the least you can do and if you don't you are continuing to be manipulated by the narc, who never wants to be confronted or called out. The ego of the narc doesnt want to be challenged, which is why we should call them out. We have anger and it must be directed at the person who is to blame, otherwise we cannot move forward.
I absolutely agree! I've seen through my friends behavior all along and it's exhausting to deal with her victim mentality. She will never see that she has a problem. She knows everything and we are all hurting her in some way.For example, she gets a new job, she won't be at that job for over a week before she thinks she knows everything there is to know and should start teaching people the job herself. She knows everything! No one can do anything without her input and we ate all idiots. What she dors not get is that we see right through it and we have been aware of her behavior the whole time! what is the most annoying is to constantly see her being an attention-seeking person and people that still will stroke her ego and play right into her hand. Not me!
Nomadic Films I agree to do that only if its someone you don't have to be around. If its a family member close to home or a boss or someone that can make your life hell then its smarter not to. These kinds of ppl will seek to utterly destroy your life just for fun.
NOMADIC FILMS I called mine out as well as a narcopath and tagged his new source.. he will never contact me again and I feel better knowing he knows I know what a evil piece of shit he is.
I try and cut my adoptive mom out but she keeps coming back. After like 2 yrs of no contact she will send a message to reel me in. Just since Christas I told her after our last issues I am done with her. Love her but no more. It's Feb now and my son's birthday is on Valentine's day. She sent a message and i have yet to read it. I am stuck. I know I have my own mental issues ( I was adopted at 13 ) and sometimes second guess myself and not her/ brother..
Yep I called him out and guess what, I was the wrong one, It's been a week and I've gone no contact and I must say I have no drama..I told him he likes to argue, all the time we argue about silly stuff and man did he hold grudges...I have left him alone, OMG I feel so much better!!
That's great! I am happy for you. I have called mines out too and went no contact. I assure you that I feel a weight lefted off of my shoulders. It's such a relief. Like I don't get it.... What's so bad in calling the Narc's out? At least it shows them that someone cares enough for them to tell them the truth. Instead of living their life in era. Like that's completely wrong. Like the Holy Bible say's "ye shall know the truth & the truth will make you free". You have to expose them. By exposing them they might be a shame and not change but at least they will no exactly what problem they have or they just MIGHT do a 360. You just never know. Also, a Narc or our Narc may not know that they are Narcissistic yet alone what it means. Yes they may know that they have a problem BUT not know that they have NPD. So if you don't call them out, how would they know? By you calling them out just MIGHT "save them" that's just my opinion. No one deserves to go through this toxic trauma. May GOD help those of us that are not completely heal yet but are on a journey to becoming a CHAMPION in taking back everything that our Narc took from us. For we are stronger than we realize.I assure you that we will ALL look back on this & laugh smh. God bless you all. Go be free. Go be happy. Their are a lot of fishes in the sea and ONE awaits YOU 🙏😂💯💜💛💙
I believe a lot of Narcs doesn't even realize the Name of their Disorder. We must remember, we didn't realize what we were dealing with until we came across the knowledge ourselves. Confronting those that don't know, I believe can be a Blessing to you both.
I agree. I called mines out and then I went no contact. It is meaningful to call a Narc out... I mean why not? Why let them walk around living their life in error? I did not always know what a Narc and a NPD was. I just literally found out myself because I was in pain and went searching for answers & help. I did not know all the names, symptoms & etc... Some people know that they have a problem but they don't know that they are a Narc yet alone what it means. So by you calling them out/exposing them will either bring them to shame. They probably won't stop but at leaat they will know what their problem is OR you the Narc will acknowledge they have those problems, seek help and over time change. You just never know. By calling them out might SAVE THEM and or y'all relationship. But hey what do I know? This is just my opinion.
Such great timing, I literally just went no contact with my Narcissist of 2years, and emailed her telling her that if she wants to live her life continuing to wonder why everyone leaves her it's her choice. Or she can get treated for NPD, and I stated it is over 100% and was going no contact. She even emailed me back asking to be a friend and that she lost her job. I tried to help her with her N about 2 months ago and got dragged into it, she actually stated she might be and over that period starting refusing it. I finally realized this and started pulling away. I have been learning about N for the last 8 months so I know 100% she is. About 3 weeks ago I met the most amazing person that has similar experiences and NOW I can finally move on knowing AGAIN what a great relationship feels like. It was my life lesson, and my decision to grow/heal and move on. I truly feel this new relationship is a godsend, and there is a saying "if you don't let go of the wrong person, you will never find the right person." I truly feel this all come full circle, because if I hadn't let the Narcissist go I would have never met the amazing woman I am dating now, that is Definitely not a narcissist. Merry Christmas and thank you for the info! :D Like you said once you see all the signs, it's best to announce it, and walk away, it's up THEM to change them NOT US.
I am ready to leave but i fear leaving my 3 1/2 year old daughter with my narc wife. I have finally faced the truth, but i know that my staying these years has really helped my daughter. I am unable to take my daughter with me. Please advise. GW
I see your point but I think at the end of the day it really boils down to the real reason and motivation is for that person feeling the need to call a narcissist out! Of course if The reasoning and motivation behind it is to get him to change or see his wicked ways, then forgot about it! Me on the other hand I did call him out! But that's because I'm just that straightforward person and I call it as I see it! Fortunately for me, I was not someone he could gaslight! I knew what I knew and even if it didn't change the situation, I let him know that he wasn't succeeding at his manipulative camps. I guess I just got lucky in addition to being a highly sensitive person or if you want to put it into religious terms, having a spiritual on top of having some sort of decent intellect. I'm not saying that just because I had quality that that made me more immune to his treacherous and malicious ways. I guess my point or comments rather, the ID call. But I did not expecting anything to change. Not him. Not our Laois and ship. Not anything. I had no expectations whatsoever and because I went into it with that mindset, that gave ME the power to "enlighten" him on MY terms - when and how! So I guess the big question is, if I wasn't expecting anything to change then why did I do it? Because I myself something about letting him know that I knew and his games and is malicious slanderous disgusting ways! It did something for me to let him know he wasn't as good as he thought he was. To let him know that if dysfunctional, broken, yet to be healed females didn't allow him into their life, he'd be up the creek without a paddle! He couldn't survive otherwise! Because he's nothing without those who are already wounded! Yes in my situation I believe I'm the only one that tells him the truth about himself and I'm sure it won't be in for the moment. I'm sure I'm outnumbered a million to 1 by females that he can immediately turn go to in order to boost his fragile joke of an ego and that's ok! I don't fill my days with time planning and plotting that I know will cut for but I do take some sort of satisfaction in knowing that he knows I'm the one person that knows him better than himself and can see straight thru his bullshit! As small and meaningless as it is in the grand scheme of things, I consider it a plus for me. It helps me to remember that I can stand strong! Just MY story - I know everyone is at different stages and has to do what's best and healthy for THEM! Good luck to all who are on their journey to heal!
There is satisfaction in knowing they know that you know! I have close experience with two narcs. The first I gave a final written letter to that I specifically said in there was written more for my closure than hers because I knew she wouldn't acknowledge a damn thing (so I guess I did it for the same reasons you did) and then went no contact (aside from us being roommates at the time). The second I currently live with, and he himself actually came out and called himself a narc before I said it, but he's smart and I think he knew I knew. He laughed about how he didn't care, I think he thought he was taking the power back but all it did was empower me to know that he knows I'm aware of what he is, although he tried to convince me there was nothing wrong with it. I've watched both of them now go through this period of being a little obsessed with trying to control my perceptions of them. The girl did it over long, novel sized texts for days and my ex just drops comments and jokes about how I'm wrong about him all the time. With the first narc, I found this aspect really stressful but now I just see it as a part of their game, the final play. They want you to feel crazy, I think this is why she said it should be your final word to them. My first narc told people she was 'scared' of me, and with no justifiable reason honestly, I'm not threatening in character in the least, all I could fathom is that she was scared of being exposed and I think that is true with my current also, and probably true for most narcs. They go haywire and do that 'grand finale' (as I've seen it called) so depending on who you are dealing with, I could see calling them out being extremely dangerous. I wouldn't call out my current narc the way I did the first, because he's self aware on some level and to me a thousand times more capable of causing damage for that reason. He could be a narc, or a sociopath, based off of his own words and evaluation of self, and I don't know which it is.
Pandurz it's irrelevant. if you like someone's behaviour fine if you don't fine. if thry treat you badly and you're a masochist fine. what's not fine is staying and whining about it. plus it's a terrible behaviour to model for your kids as well as bad for your self esteem.
yup...I do exactly as you do to my covert ex narc'. She then projects back like a firestorm out of hell. I ignore her, then bingo, a few days of N.C. goes by then she starts all over again by being "nice" to me😉. Eleven year's in, I now know all the moves. It's pure theatre macabre....a tragi'comedy of epic but pathetic proportions. Calling a narc' out seems to be a growing phenomena within our now massive global community of abused persons. Bottom line is that the general behaviour of narc's can only be finally concluded as a mental illness. Existing therapist's/counseling avenues are clueless and almost non-existent. I personally am now therefore checking out the "demonic possession" angle... (Jezebel etc)... there's some interesting clues on-line about this thesis. Anyway folks, we're all on a torturous learning curve...We each will eventually find our own way out of the jail of which we had innocently found ourselves cruelly impounded in. As a precautionary note. obviously NEVER call a narc' out if there's physical danger lurking behind their evil masks. Thnx for reading this lot. I was inspired by this video here and also of the comment above. to then go onto write all this lot about "calling out" etc, it's a sort of homage to the excellent author of this channel.
Thomasbaldie since the solution lies with what we choose to do about involvement with narcs (because they can't and won't cgange) the problem is not the narc but the way we have been programmed (or possibly programmed ourselves in very early childhood) to be too selfless too submissive. Healthy people don't stay with narcs. Because they feel ill in the relationship and know instinctively that if they don't leave they'll become seriously mentally I'll- depressed/suicidal. Narc's are happy to attract anyone but they destroy other people's self esteem and will to live. That's what they do. There's a saying in Al Anon " if you don't want a dog to pissed on your leg stop pretending to be a lamp post". That's what codependents /co-narcs do - they deny who they really are by behaving in a certain way and then whine about the way they're treated. Meanwhile they've set the whole thing up themselves. Sad.
ampersand etcetera I'm not 'staying and whining about it' tbh, I'm stuck in a lease that we got into when our daughter was born until April 1st. The agreement was supposed to be that if we split he would leave and still financially fulfill the lease like I did the first time we split, because I paid first and last. OR he was supposed to cover 2 months full rent portion (to cover his half of first and last), neither happened and he has me paying for everything involving his cats. It is true, I did set this up myself but the thing with narcs is they just have a way of spinning things around you so out of control. While we were pregnant, I maintained that I didn't want to live together because we had lived together and split up once, I knew I wasn't ready for it. He said "either we live together or break up" and I still wasn't going for it but then I agreed for us to temporarily stay with my mom (to avoid a lease) but he managed to create some chaos with my older brother (almost 30 living at my mom's, also a narc lol) and the police got involved and basically I could no longer stay there. And he had given his landlord notice to evacuate in the next week. He fucked me over to get what he wanted, cheaper rent so he could quit working. I was here less than a month before I was running circles in my head trying to figure out how the HELL I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, that I EXPRESSED not wanting to do, and that cost me all of my financial savings. Believe me, hindsight is 20/20 but he also is very good at isolating me. I thought when we got back together I could just be very social but the truth is he's such an ass that no one wants to be around if he's there. His own FAMILY said they'd visit their granddaughter more if he didn't live with us!
You are so right, I tried it with my father and my ex wife. It was a absolutely pointless, it just backfired on me. And just as you say, they both strongly pointed out that I am like that, not them, and so and so agree with them and even think I am mentally ill..
I know Im asking the wrong place but does any of you know of a tool to get back into an instagram account? I somehow lost the account password. I appreciate any help you can give me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insightful wisdom. You spoke to my soul and inspired my self reflection during this horrific time in my life having spent almost 30 years with a Narcissist husband. Now I see clearly because of you. I was his supply, he was my SID, and tonight I am finally free! :)
I tried to go no contact. That helps a little bit, but if you have psychic ties and I certainly do, going no contact is not enough. You have to go no contact after you heal or at the same time and sometimes you have to always keep your guard up. It depends on how deep those psychic ties are. It varies in each case. Good luck.
Not a good idea, it's just pointless vindictive behaviour. A true narc won't care they'll always have supply. There are narcs who claim others are narcs and it's very common for them to completely smear their victims name to garner pity for the woes they've been through. Calling out your narc serves only to give you power over yourself imo, putting your foot down and letting them know you're aware of their shit. The only thing you can do to truly get at your abuser is by loving yourself as much as you loved them and being "selfish" for once because for so long it was always about them and they never let you think of yourself because of the pain they'd cause you for it. Just focus on yourself and no one else is the only way to heal, talk to close ones or professionals about it but don't smear there name. Because ultimately that just makes you as bad as them and feeds them with drama and let's them know they got at you which is just another win in their eyes.
So true! I have always wondered why my dad was the way he is, some people said it was because of his alcoholism but I knew it was something else. A few weeks ago I called him out about some of his crappy attitude towards my mom and sisters and he totally said I was the one who has this kind of attitude, not him... After that I started to learn about narcissism and now everything makes sense to me.
What a freaking art?!!..to talk a lot only around the bushes but saying almost nothing for the amount I barely listened. Looks like that was beyond hard to just get to the point and solve the issues.To much pleasure out there to be on the screen.
The timeliness of this video is just incredible. I went no contact from a narc recently and was feeling righteous and had the temptation to do this but this will help me tonight when I know he will probably show up. I can calmly shut it down without feeding it any energy, knowing that this is my lesson to learn, not his. Thank you so much Mel, you are an angel
One thing I have trouble believing is the idea that the narc has killed off their true self. I think their true self is just suppressed to the point where it probably will never surface in this lifetime, but since our body is just a product of our unconscious mind, just the fact that their body is being kept alive is the product of love/God source energy (they have an integral purpose after all) flowing through them and they don't even realize it. Most sociopaths claim that they don't dream- it's because dreams are the playground and expression of the unconscious mind where the true self can emerge but because it's so shut off, they cannot access it. But in the same way, many of us have shut off parts of our unconscious mind, repressed memories, etc- just not to the extreme that narcs have. I don't think a true self can be killed off- true self is love, the essence of a person- God source that is running through every person, every soul. That God source is what connects us ALL- and we are all one. Narcs are not some monster that is separate from us - they are mirrors to repressed parts of ourselves just like we all mirror each other. We are all one, and the same life force is running through all of us, so narcs do have a true self. We will most likely not see it and should not bother trying to see it in this lifetime- that's not our purpose.
Behave one of the most interesting truths I discovered re narcissists and "their purpose and soul" was what I discovered in my LBL session. This is the information here: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/ This may help ... I love the fact that they go back to Light - BIG time ...No soul misses out. xoxox
BhavZ I agree with you too. I think that's probably the only place where me and the majority part company on beliefs about the narcissist. As a Christian, I believe that my God (Jesus) is bigger than any situation, thing or person and as long as you have breath, it's never too late! By scientific evidence as shown thru brain scans etc. ok, yeah they may be lacking in certain areas that dictate how much of a "human" you'll be, to put it simply, but as I said, I believe my God can do any and every thing! Now I don't want to give the impression that with that belief you should "stick it out" - hell no! nor that I'm advocating false hope and therefore some sort of clinging on to he or she and/or the situation! Definitely not! I'm just saying that I DO believe their is hope for them but only by some divine intervention and in and of itself, it's sad that these people have fallen into a category that society has pretty much thrown away and written off. They have meds and psychotherapy for just about, if not all, disorders listed in the DSM-5. Unfortunately, this is one of the harder ones to treat. What a miserable life. Especially those that have even a glimpse into their IU inner chaos!
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been struggling with a narcissist brother my entire life. He cut my father out of his life long ago. Many times he has cut me out of his life, but since he is my brother, I always try to be the bigger person and try to salvage the relationship. Each time I have let him back into my life by asking for it, I have been hurt. I'm done getting hurt. I will never speak to him again. And I feel good about it.
If narcissist's see others as extensions of themselves or non-entities, and then proceeds to blame others for their problems via projections, they are ironically taking responsibility for who they are ;).
Sbeast i am blessed with a good memory. I spent 12 years with my narc and this last year have watched hundreds of videos about narcissism. So i can reflect my past and see clearly. Everything i got accused of it was her that was. I told her i know about her and how i saw her “ acting “, she laughed and said happy on the outside crying inside. She knows its not even her how she really is. Chameleon to whatever.
On the flip side, I've seen women call their SO/husband a narcissist just because he doesn't do exactly what she wants. If this is the case, then it's more likely that the woman is the true narcissist, not the man. My ex wife has BPD and she constantly called me "selfish" when I made efforts to take care of myself. Otherwise I agree with this video in general.
Isn't this one of the Givens about narcissists?: They will not, and can not, accept what they are. Once I understood this, I was finally able to accept that the only solution, to avoid more hurt for myself, was to go No Contact with my narc. mother.
I too tried to confront my partner on issues and it was like talking literally to a wall and I could not understand this until I discovered I was dealing with a narc.
Hi Mel, I'm from Colombia, I lived in Australia for 5 years and now I live here. I met a narcissist one from Panamá so I felt very depressed but I help myself with your videos. I confess, your videos help me a lot, and my journey understanding why I had to have this experience is less traumatic than before and the healing is more quickly than my last relationships. I'm very grateful with you because you are trully inspirational. I always thank Australians at the time that I lived there and people like you help others. Lots of Love Patricia
My husband stopped talking to me a week ago. He texted me saying "you ruined my life, we are done. Bye." He was already giving me the silent treatment but he blocked me. He is only communicating with me through his sister. He refuses to tell me why he is mad at me. Is this a narsistic game? It's weird because when we are together he doesn't give me the silent treatment but this happens everytime we are apart. He called me crazy and a psycho for asking him to call me for 10 minutes a few times a week so we could actually talk, and have a decent conversation. We would end up texting throughout the day instead, but he would take forever to text back so we could never have a decent conversation..ever. My love language is words of affirmation and quality time so it was really hard on me when he would act that way. The interesting thing is his love language is quality time too..yet he rarely wanted to spend time with me. I'm not playing these games anymore. Once I realized who he really is, and the fact that he would ignore me that way on purpose..yeah, bye! I would explain to him how it was a trigger for me because of some pain from my childhood and I just couldn't understand why he would still do it to me even though it hurt me. It all makes sense now. I have changed my number, blocked him, and am moving on with my life
Hi Megan, I believe this blog will help you with your questions blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment-what-to-do-when-you-are-treated-like-you-dont-exist/ The blog goes through many ways the narcissist uses silent treatment. And you are right - it is a game! Love and blessings to you xoxox
Been there !!!! I have honestly had a few of these relationships, but I have to say once I started doing the inner work that I needed, the last relationship I had, my eyes were opened almost right away! I asked God to take the dagger out of my hand and put a mirror in my hand and boy did I learn a lot about myself These relationships are just not even attractive anymore, I’m not interested in me babying a grown man, and stroking his ego all the time and everything required to provide supply to them. That’s just not how I want to live my life! I think that’s the problem, is we find these men when we are in bad places in life sometimes and they bring excitement, and it’s hard to leave that. It’s almost like being addicted to heroin and then with drawing right away it is very difficult to get over these relationships, the best way to get over them is to not get in them in the first place!
You're got it Moxiegirl!! We are addicted to the narcissist and withdrawal is extremely painful - some say worse than getting off heroin. I am delighted you are on the Thriver side now. Kudos to you hun. Keep thriving! xoxox
Oit of ALLLL the Narc videos I've watched and ALLLL the comments I've read... You put the nail in thw coffin and sealed the lie and exposed tje truth. The devil is the author of lies and he's a Narcissist👿....😇disguise
Yup, at one point I only heard “you are a narcissistic person” then I went looking what that was, I really thought I was that, went into therapy, looking and making tests to see if I am such a person! I was devastated I created disaster and was such a portrait person. Fortunately my psychologist helps me thru, and made me see that I am not the one who has a problem. We took baby steps but this is what I learned: the real narcissistic do their very best to make you look the crazy one, they control you so bad mentally that you believe them (especially if you where all your life their source). Now I am at the point of finding my identity, because when a narcissistic person dries you out, you are left drained of all energy, emotions, personality you have no idea anymore but only that what they have putted into your mind for years! People run if you have a narcissistic person. To me was very hard to see these things because she was my sister, I always looked up to her, always thought she deserves a good life, and feeling guilty that she was “the victim” and I tell you is terrible when you “wake up” and realize that person doesn’t exist, that you have been a puppet, manipulated, used and reused!
I agree that there's zero chance they own up when called out. They live their whole lives ready to invalidate that person in that moment. On some level, though, they do know. I always thought my mom was a teflon narcissist. As I walked away from her for the very last time, she said everything she's been denying for decades. I believe she actually got it. Too little, too late!
The narc got very hostile, mask completely off when we talked the last time face to face. He wanted to "talk it out," encouraging me to be honest about my feelings, but cut me deeply when I told him he was hurting me by acting like everything was so meaningful in our relationship when it clearly wasn't reflected in his behavior. I was very ripped open, with his brutal honesty completely contradicting his previous idealization of our relationship. After having been so nice to him, and not having gotten over him after a year and a half, I took some energetically protective flower essences, and boy did the anger come out! I wrote a long, rhyming poem about his effects on me and then when a co-worker said I should send it I said the ex was not capable of getting it, but I listened when my coworker said "Let him know he f___ed up." I did this right after he had been dumped by his girlfriend. He moved to the wilderness for a while. Of course he got back on his false feet again, and contacted me again. The night before he sent an email, I had a dream he was trying to "talk it out" again, which was unsuccessful in the dream, onIy to wake up and find the email in my inbox. I briefly tried to confront him again, referencing the dream conversation. He didn't answer, not even to say I was crazy. I realized the futility of trying to confront him and changed email address. He subsequently reunited with the girl who had previously dumped him. I didn't feel pain like I had fear that I would. I didn't find you or NARP for another two years, and have tried to do daily modules for most of this time. I don't feel haunted by him like previously, and I am focusing inward much better. But, I still don't feel regret about telling him off in rhyming couplets for two pages.
FINALY FINALLY FINALLY I am ready to believe you that the narc will NOT change. I seriously thought that maybe I was being harsh with my assessment that the person I was dealing with was a narc despite that my knowing was confirmed, through a diagnosis that he recently got. I totally did what you did, I did that knowing that you tried to help the first narc. He uses guilt to hook me in. My denial has finally been smashed, thank goddess. I am now willing to live by intuition rather than guilt. I am ready to heal now, and have gone full NO CONTACT.. That was the piece that I was unwilling to do, and therefore kept getting sucked back in. F-that I appreciate you so much.
Thank you!!! Would you be willing to do a video on how to achieve emotional and energetic NO CONTACT... I am really trying not to even talk about him, but my mind really likes to obsess. That is getting better, but the peptide addiction is really powerful. Oh yeah, will you do a video on peptide addiction. I want to understand that better. I know healing is not about logic and understanding, it is spiritual, but information does help. Have a wonderful Christmas and wish TIggy a merry Christmas too. xoxox
Thank you. A lifelong experience with Narcissists has taken such a heavy toll, including health problems and a crazy label. Thank you for your great work Melanie
The exact same thing happened with my narcissist- he said, this is all YOU. Utter MADNESS is right. You have been a GODSEND Melanie. You make the most sense of all the insanity.
Thank you Melanie for your kind reply to my previous message on another video. This one is great too. This one helps me to realize how this field of psych integrates with true Christianity, the polar opposite of narcissism. I was searching for wisdom and advice that does not require me to abandon my faith and love for the Lord, secular wisdom that is in line with the Lord's wisdom, thus the truth, not just some choice of belief. Your wisdom and insight seems so very much in line. Discernment is a HUGE part of Jesus' message that is much neglected by many (not all) so-called preachers and even popular quotes, and He did instruct us to do what you said at the end of this video (Matthew c10, v10-16; Matthew c7, v6; ) to realize the appropriateness to drop association with them and even blow the dust of that place off your shoes (have nothing to do with them, clean break from them, let God deal with them instead of fretting about them or revenge or getting sucked back in to their evil system, ever!). ... Further, Narcissists lack humility to realize or accept their own imperfections or faults; Conversely, the true Christian way is to check one's own ego at the door, put it on the altar per-se, consider privately and genuinely if maybe I myself might be so, instead of just blaming it on others (Matthew c7, v 3-5; Luke c9, v 9-14). It is something each of us needs to do, to have the humility to preclude being/becoming a narcissist ourselves and being blind to it (part and parcel of the narcissistic syndrome). Of course, such humility and introspection needs to be in private and genuine to be effective spiritual/psych hygiene. It is not something to be proud about (pride is the structural support of the narcissist) since that would be counterfeit and sabotaging the result (Matthew c6, v 1-6; Matthew c7, v 3-5)
We are all One, Dear mtlicq! Whichever Higher Power, Source/ God you believe in is your belief and birth right. Quantum Law is universally aligned as; So Within-So Without. It's beautifully, gorgeous unfoldment meant to be. Love and blessings to you. xoxox
I told her in a bullet list of all the things she’d ( dates and time from my journal) done that had hurt me ... she went on a rage and it was over with and I left in a week ... not a single word of any compromise or self reflection on her part ..., it was a joy driving many states away to never to her ever again ... what I loved never existed
Great video! My narc was told to get some serious therapy decades ago ( from his former girlfriend) and he actually DID a lot of talk therapy with a very famous male therapist, but that in my opinion didn’t make him accountable in any way. On the contrary, by the time I met him he was more dangerous than ever- now he has vocabulary, more power and techniques. He puts himself so above others, because of his “understanding” and “transformation”. ( Of course he has a grandiose ideas about his work/art/projects while living in his mother’s house at the age of 62, unemployed for years). And of course - I was the crazy, pragmatic person who wouldn’t possible have enough understanding of his special values and contributions to the humanity! Now that I’m no contact for 2 months I’ve seen the real craziness of that toxic bond ( 5 times back and forward). Wish this was all available 18 years ago! Learned my lessons! Let’s spread some more awareness into this world and heal!
"Deflect away" - key words. I'm convinced at this point that narc creates highly resilient energy field which is well adapted to warping everything around it, and that's not energy with which you can dialogue with or call out directly. People are asking how do the citizens of USA protect themselves from narc president elect. I don't have an answer for that other than it might out there to get the collective citizenry to finally do the work. People online got into discussion over description of narcissist, and they were clueless about what it is unless they had been through it and to make matters worse insensitive to those who had been through it & talking trash because they were trying to talk like experts when they knew nothing about it. I don't think narcissistic personality disorder belongs in the DSM because these people don't break down, they thrive (like fungus in the sh*t and darkness). They're a special kind of crazy -- dominant culture supported. I find everything I understand of what Melanie Tonia Evans says to be true.
Thank you for your video. I’m just now starting inner child work to heal from multiple forms of abuse imposed on me by my narcissistic older sister. She made my childhood hell and I started to see it unfold in my adult life. Nope, no ma’am, I will not give her the power to destroy my adulthood nor will my daughter be damaged by being raised by a depressed mother. This shit stops NOW.
Melanie, you are beautiful! Letting go with love and compassion for them is a reflection of ourselves ~ having love and compassion and especially forgiveness for ourselves on the other end of what we are giving. It takes some time and distance from the horrible pain to see the gift that it was designed to be. Thank You! XOXO
Called one out today, and then she showed me exactly who she is this afternoon and evening. Confirmed it to a T. Very much looking forward to going no contact, and moving on with my life. What I’m most looking forward to is not giving her an ounce of control in my life, or access to me. You are the company you keep. You are the sum of the 5 people you surround yourself. Namaste, Val 🙏🏼
It depends why you are doing it but if you're all clear what happened including your own participation and you're well and truly done, it feels really good, like taking your power back, they can't get around you because you see them, they know it and the bonus is they are shit scared of you and keep away.
haha yes shit scared I always got this vibe from my ex.They can,t stand to see strong people and because they are such immature people they sulk and get scared and angry because the truth hurts and that is what they use to justify treating others like shit because thats what they are inside!
Beware of hatred it cuts you off from your own spiritual healing. The truth contains its own power. I did it compassionately, never even mentioned the N word but explained the mechanism. It was my parting gift like you plant a seed because it is in your hand to plant, whether it ever germinates or not is off my hands and I carry the power of the truth with me for my own healing. Anyway they are not unlike us, we all look for love in the in the wrong place in different ways, no point being the pot calling the kettle black but I admit there was a bit of satisfaction seeing the bad shrinking away from the light in terror while you are not scared of it shining on your own faults. You can hate the sin without hating the sinner so to speak.
It's amazing how often I look at the title of a MTE video and say "this won't apply to me all that much." Then I watch the video and feel it's been custom tailored exactly for what's going on with me in my life.
Your so onto it. It’s been so hard but your so right on so many levels. Thank you for helping me see it for what it is. Time to heal and get back to being me again. 😊
Have learned this past year what my mom had been doing to me through her narcissist abuse for over 40 years. I also began to see that she’d been doing the same to my young son. I heard her conversation with him- and I kindly asked her to stop making my child feel badly about himself. She turned it all on me. I ended up calling her out and throwing her out of my house! She mentioned I was no longer her daughter. Although probably not a good idea, I felt a lifetime of abuse leave painfully through my lower chakras. I just felt I needed to finally stick up for me and my son.
I also think it should be our final statement and then leave and never look back. Why say it in the first place, if we never want to see him/her again...? Because we don't know if something like reincarnation exists. If it exists, we will maybe meet again. And even if we forgot, that we've met before, I strongly believe in the power and magic of words. Something in his/her soul will remember and also we will receive some kind of warning sign. If we listen to it or not is a different story.
This is so true. I was married to mine over 28 years, when our daughter and I saw the first Narcissist video, by accident. We were looking at the top 10 girl names on You Tube, on my phone, then I clicked to see the top boy names, all of a sudden a narcissist video started playing instead. I always knew he wasn’t normal. By then he had me at deaths door, and isolated me away from everyone. My daughter and I listened, to the video, it was in 2015, the year she graduated High School. I had lost my mother in 2014, my sister in 2015, not long after losing my sister is when this happened. I kept saying omg that’s and I called his name, my daughter kept saying omg that’s daddy, we said it during that entire Video. The video did say not to tell them, but I had been married so long, I expected him to say, that’s crazy I love you etc. He said nothing. My daughter and I was at a motel taking a little vacation after she graduated. All that happened at the hotel. When he came back to the hotel I noticed his wedding ring was off. I asked about it, he lied and said it was getting so tight so he had to take it off it was hurting his finger. He expected things to stay the same, when we got home, and he went to leave for work that morning, he tried to kiss me bye, I turned my head and said no. He then went to acting as though he never even knew who I was. It was so strange how he went to being my husband all those years to acting as though I had never existed. He flat out refused to ever talk about it. I had no idea anything like that existed. I just know he chased me 6 months begging for a date, I did not want to go on a date with him, he would send flowers to my job, talk to my friends telling them to beg me to go out with him. Finally his mother passed away from Cancer. He was in The Military stationed near me. He really did use his mother’s sickness and dying with cancer to get me to feel sorry for him, so I would talk to him. I thought okay I’ll have one meal with him, then he would leave me alone. I even drove my own car, I refused to ride with him. He was so sweet, he treated me so good. I thought I had died and went to Heaven. I had already got the Courage to divorce my first abuser. So I was on cloud nine thinking I had met the sweetest guy alive. Finally my Prince Charming. He wanted to hurry and get married. I happily said yes. About 4 months into the marriage out walks this demon screaming at the top of his lungs, cussing every breath, calling me every name he could think of. I started crying and cried all night long. He never comforted me the first time. He kept me crying two straight years. Constantly hurting my feelings. That went on all those long years. When I saw that video and found out what I had been dealing with over 28 years. I stopped him. It almost killed me to learn my entire life with him was based on a lie, nothing was real. I really did cry and mourn for the husband I thought I married he never did exist that demon made him up. I really had to in my mind bury the guy I thought I married. It was horrible, I started learning from day one. I know it all. I have moved on with my daughter now 4 years later. I’ve never felt this happy in my life. My daughter told me many times, Momma it told you not to tell him, I told her I did not expect that reaction, I expected him to say no that’s not true I love you. I almost never got away from him. Do not ever tell a narcissist that they are one, I learned that the very hard way. He had turned my entire family against me, I had no moral support at all, except groups, and you tube, and anything I could get my hands on to read. I had to find out why I was a magnet for abusers. I had came from a broken home. My mother made me the scapegoat. My mother had passed away the year before I found out. First I had to go back to my childhood and heal that little girl. Then I had to forgive my mother, because she came from an alcoholic home. She didn’t have a clue how to love her children. She had 2 golden children. It was very hard to do that, but I had to do it to start healing from marring abusive men, and one was a Covert Narcissist. I do listen to you a lot. I know a women from where you are from that knows you, I told her yes I listen to her. What you said about you was happy no one was there for you in another video, that’s how I feel. It made me the strongest women, and I know another man will not destroy my future. When I look back, I’m so Thankful to still be alive, when I wake up I’m happy every day. I no longer have to have panic attacks, walk on eggshells, be scared to death all the time. I’m really free, from my mother, my family of origin, the 2 ex abusers, and I am finally so happy. I never felt this in my entire life. It’s absolutely amazing. Thank you for all you do to help all the victims of narcissist abuse. I’m no longer a victim, I’m a Survivor, and one happy women.
The only reason I confronted him is because throughout the 6 yr relationship he always said I willl never figure him out. I was naive and couldn't imagine he had this up his sleeve, let me tell you he didn't like it I figured him out.
My dad deflected the traits back at me when I tried to talk to him about his wife's bpd narcissistic traits. I thought he was just an enabler, but I'm not so sure anymore what to think anymore. Except that I need to get out of their reality fog.
That's his way of trying to get me to believe he is taking responsibility for his actions. Every day he contradicts himself in the same sentence. I am so thankful for videos like this because I am reminded not to fall into his beautiful looks and fake charm. He can make me feel on top of the world one night, pick a fight with me and then spend the night with someone else.... it's taken so much to understand this but I am so looking forward to the day of my 100% healing from him.... I'm so sad but TRUTH sinks in more and more everyday
Great explanation (divorced from true self). You get this sense sitting next to them and the horror of realising there is "nobody home" makes your stomach drop. They didn't grow up properly! Imagine meeting yourself for the first time as an adult. That would be so weird.
Yeah, she calls me a narcissist; but when I ask her "How have I lied, cheated, robbed, used, or abused you in any way whatsoever?" she can`t and wont answer the question because I never have. If she had asked me the same question I wouldn`t be able to remember much less know all the times she did all of those things to me. I would have figured she`d have figured it out, that its her and not me. It is mind boggling, demeaning, and very depressing to me....I feel hopelessly helpless, ruined, and broken. :'(
you're stuck in the phase where its the narcissist still breathes "energy" into you. but its false energy. and you might feel that you need it to survive yourself. you don't. learn to vipassana meditation. take care of your own happiness. you will see after a few months, that you start to heal and you won't need to be dependent on her or anyone. you can sustain your own self. I hope you found peace. horrible that such things exist. I new of this only 5 days ago with my wife.
OMG!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am currently fighting off tears , no i am in tears. I was in in battle with a 58 yr old narcissist an hour ago from this moment. Desperate for an answer I ask youtube. You where the first video that came up. Your title was the exact wording that I tyoed in! Nodding my head and and exclaiming YES and by the end crying and just needing a hug. I am sitting in my car trying to gather myself. Your words were exactly and precisely what I needed to hear. Your right the best way is to leave thrm alone and not feed the drama they crave. I mean holy shit! This guy would not shut the F up! At meal time at lights out go to F asleep time and every single moment he was just running his mouth about everything amd nothing to anyone and everyone. I ignored him at every moment and he engaged me whenever I was around I continued to try to be as polite as I could that I was not interested in what he had to say until I had to be blunt with him and it did not go well. You know. Thank you again. You hit on the head which is what we want to do by the end of a narcissist encounter of the annoying kind. THANK YOU!!! I can't say it eniugh. Bless you and every thing in your life.
Melanie! I cannot thank you enough for making this video today, please know this! This is just what I needed to hear today. I literally was in my therapists ofc today discussing with her whether or not I should give into the voice in my head that has lately been toying with the idea of confronting various family members ("flying monkey" siblings of my covert narc mother) and though, she is really advising against it, I hadn't firmly made up my mind completely on this. I've always (and I'm in my mid 40's now) had this strong fighter in me that likes to stand up against injustice and so, it's that part of me that feels the temptation to "take them on" and call them out on their behavior. I'm just SO SO glad and grateful to you for doing this video today. The timing couldn't have been any better! THANK YOU and Happy Holidays to you!! ❤️✌️🎄
You are so honestly wise Melanie.When we get to the base of looking at the level of cruelty one can pour out on to us, and really resignate with this, we have to be real with ourselves, and free ourselves of such evil loveless arena, and take ourselves back to Love
I've been married to one for 11 years and I'm just now over the past week realizing what he really is. Smh I feel so stuck and so broken and have thought of taken my life so many times. I have 3 kids and if it wasn't for my 14 year old daughter coming to me the other day and saying "mom please hang in there, you're my best friend and I can't go on without you." I wouldn't be here today. I suffer from kidney disease and living like this is a struggle every day. I'm broken. Lost. I don't know what to do.
Hi Simply Tess, Please contact your local crisis team if you still have suicidal thoughts so they can help you. When you feel up to it, please consider connecting with my free resources to help you further www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and this video may help you, as you can follow along and shift some of the trauma trapped inside of you too blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-freeing-yourself-from-chronic-pain-and-disease/ Love to you and your children xoxox
I hope you're in a better place now, Simply Tess. I'm praying for your and your children's health and happiness. God give you strength and love. You may feel broken but you are a precious child of God and are blessed with 3 children who love you.
Isn’t it ridiculous that your narcissistic had to knock you down to feel like a powerful man, how embarrassing to him to be so childish and lacking integrity. You are so wonderful he didn’t want you to know you deserved a good man who does have authentic self and integrity!! That’s POWER!! Which you have Melanie!!!Amen!🙏
I called out my whole family from a far to give them a hope of helping themselves and also so the younger generation will also have a clue. It was not done for me at all.
I lived this - it came to me with clarity and understanding - thank you! I am at the end of a 6?and half yr relationship.... I am letting go, been back too many times to remember how many.... I need to go in, as you say, I learned my core issues with him.. that's what gift I'm going to give myself this Christmas.... thanks again
Thank you for your videos, they really help to put narcissistic behaviour into perspective. I have just come out of a relationship with one. I didn't even know he was one until not long ago. Everything u said in one of ur videos described what I went through and how I felt. He's still trying to get back in my life though I am we'll aware that he is grooming some other girl for when he finally realises that I'm done! I was with him for 4 years. I gave him so much of me and my time. I am just coming out of the despair and feeling like I can't live without him now. For once in my life I can finally say that if he contacts me that I am strong enough to block or delete or walk away. I really feel for those who have been and going through this. I would one day like to help victims of narcissistic abuse like Urself. It's so debilitating. Can u please do a vid on how to deal with the rage and anger after a narcissistic relationship please. I just want to forgive him and move on. I am in the detaching stage right now. Like u said " heal heal heal" that is the approach that I took from the beginning. I never stalked or chased or anything like that, I don't have that in my personality. I cut him many times but he kept coming back and I took him back. Anyway, thankyou for being amazing and helpfu. U r one of my angels on earth. Xx
Aww thank you Jovana and great suggestion for a video, I'll add it to the list sweetheart. I would love you to connect to my free resources, if you haven't already, they are packed with helpful information, two free ebooks and an invitation to my free webinar so you can experience a healing for yourself and feel the relief ... www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse xoxox
This message is a blessing and gives me comfort in my decision to cut ties with my narcissistic sociopath ex husband. People have tried to make me feel bad about it because we have a child, but I believe more damage would be done opening back up to him.
Wow!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT.. I’ve been putting so much focus and energy on proving to her she is a covert narcissist.. and yes she tried telling ME I should be on meds ... ( she suffers from bi- polar also and takes meds)... what a great video THANK YOU
I was addicted to narcissists - they conveniently appeared to hold up the mirror. So , as pathetic as they were, they demonstrated my own selfishness, lack of empathy, and irresponsibility -so I grew up and realized I had to stop chasing love, acceptance, and self worth from other people. Understanding and knowing that "attachment, projection and manipulation " are nothing more than self realizations yet to be dealt with through understanding are the tools for real growth. Once I accept my own self worth, and heal myself, I free myself. I wish you all the best of luck on your own walk to freedom :)
I did exactly the same - just told her she was playing her narcissistic game with me and i'm done. Thank you so much Darling, now I know i did a right thing.
The scary thing is Mel, my abuser DID actually respond that way. I handed him all the tools and language to make me believe that and almost developed a quantum ability to abuse me on the spiritual plane. He's proven that its fake but I've had to soul search to feel and embody my true self in order to really see the difference. I'd love it if you could do a video about this kind of spiritual narcissistic abuse, especially in regard to our desire to heal the narcissist and how they can use that to keep us in their prison reality. Much love to you x
There is a good video by Dr. Les Carter on the Surviving Narcissism Network on UA-cam about religious narcissists. He talks about people who think they speak for God so no one should disagree with them and say that they accept and welcome everyone but think there is something wrong with people who do not act and think like them because the others are wrong. They do not feel empathy for people who are different or show compassion or acceptance or love to different people and are very judgemental. He used the Church Lady on the old Saturday Night Lives shows as an example and talked about a former prostitute who wanted to join a church to get help from a new community but was not accepted by people who preached love but didn't show it.
It's so tempting to show your spouse a better way. To suggest that they might be happier if they..... It just doesn't work. This year I ignored that my Birthday was overlooked, Christmas was not celebrated or mentioned and our anniversary was yesterday. I did not take the bait any of these days that could have been spent differently with my spouse. I celebrated with friends and family and basically did not make a big deal about anything. I know after 11 years saying anything about those events would be turned around on me being the person who caused the problem and it would end up being a terrible day. Its difficult to let the person that you care deeply for to sit in the corner by themselves. Its not my job to fix him.
I really let my brother have it. Guess what? He threw it all right back at me. He placed his own behaviors on me. Ugh. He's a 56 year old bully. You are so right. I cant even tell you the size of the emotional hangover I got.
Melanie, I think this is the best video I've ever watched by you--and you've made plenty of great videos. But somehow, this one really hit me to the core, and you explained everything so well without leaving out any pertinent details. Thank you for this.
Wow. You make it sound so simple. Yet so compelling. Should have seen this video a long time ago. Might have saved me tons of grief, anxiety and self doubt. Tried calling out the narc in my life. It only resulted in my agony, and rage. Leaving me more damaged and confused than before. Why did I expend energy on trying to change and fix the narc?
I learned the only way to deal with a narcissist is to NOT DEAL WITH A NARCISSIST. There is no way to get through to them. So move on and find another normal fucking human to interact with. Know from experience.
This is the first video or writing on the subject that gave a simple definition of "narcissistic supply". Its just attention. As for the subject, its spot on. I stop myself numerous times from unloading on the person who out of the blue ended our close friendship five months ago (best friends and "friends for life" by his frequently used definition) and cut off all contact. It would make zero difference to a user and a liar like him and make me feel worse. Best thing to do is play it cool and let it go. Get myself in a better mental position to decline his probable request for help down the road (and it most likely will come whether its in six months or several years).
They are so delusional if you try to express concerns or even show them literature from other sources to remain detached they will accuse you of being crazy and continue to avoid ant responsibility or therapy they will also probably just continue hurting others if you leave. It is hard to understand as an empathetic decent person but you can't keep hoping it will improve or make excuses for them they will hurt whomever they can for as long as they can and likely act as though they are the victims. Beware and get to safety.
You are very welcome Thomas. I'm so glad this helps and yes, there are many beautiful and authentic women. They are everywhere. Love and blessings xoxox
I didn't Call Him Out. I threw Him Out.... You have to get away from that
LOL!
Best Decision you could ever make !!!
Rodney Caupp I did the same. Never looked back.
Melanie is totally right. When you start working on yourself, you don't give two shits about the narcissist. You are a different at the end of road. Narcs are not. You see them for the first time without your rose coloured glasses on and you gasp at whatever you were drawn to them in the first place.
Thank you Josephine xoxox
J Romeo nice
Whatever she is sadistic, usues social circles to manipulate people into submission
J Romeo you don’t need to work on yourself, you just need to cut off the narcissist from your life forever.
J Romeo trauma bond, you learn there was never any admiration for them.
I called out my narcissist wife after 20 years - and she left me. So - I'd say it worked and for me it was important to say what I had to say. Did it fix her? No. But it gives me a chance to fix myself.
Good job!
Both of mine did the same! They like being revealed and seen for who they are.
Amen! I did the same! I attached his fragile abnormal EGO! Feels good! Then I moved on! We need more people doing this. 🙌
Did you have children? Did they go with her? I did the same and my wife has taken my 7 year old daughter. I don't miss my wife but I fear for my daughter. Were you able to get your children?
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 Luckily we did not have children. Hopefully, you can find a way to raise your daughter together. Nobody can just 'take' a child. You have rights.
22 years married to my narc. Not once in 22 years would she take responsibility for her own pathology. Not once in 22 years was I able to reason with her. Reason always broke down into cat herding sessions. I stopped trying to reason with her fairly early, I stopped telling her anything about myself, she'd use anything as ammunition. I'd listen a hour a day to her rants about how so and so was all messed up and to how great she was. I'd just nod my head and just say hmmmm and whatever... I didn't hear a single positive thing about me or others for at least 15 years. I purposely got a 12 hours shift night job so I wouldn't have to see her more than an hour a day. As she got less and less ammo against me, I began to see how empty she is, there is nothing there, take away the bad talk and bragging and there is nothing there. She is an empty void. As my final comment I wrote her and called her out as a sociopath and narcissist and then I never again had contact. If she tried I hung up, would not answer the door and burned any letters before reading them.
stephen coleman why did you stay?
Analiza Ali, I was stupid. But we had children and I stayed for them. The abuse came on gradually like the old analogy of cooking the frog. I believe another reason was, I believed I could help her. I learned the hard way, there is no help and no cure.
stephen coleman amen to that. I actually do feel for my 2nd ex-husband. He was good to me in many ways but now I see why. Ironically it still helped me. It makes me so angry at his mother (and I know I can't hold on to that), but just that he never had the support and comfort he deserved as a child. Actually I think my dad was one, and hence why it feels slightly normal for me to deal with them. But now I identify bad behavior or how covert narcissists operate. I love how Melanie talks about healing our own wounds though to share love in to the world.
stephen coleman so did you leave? I am on the same boat and don't want to leave her with our children she will drive them crazy!!
savvadev, That is the reason why I stayed, to protect the kids, but she turned them against me and each other. They are messed up anyway, whether I stayed or not. Looking back on it, I should have left much sooner. I don't think staying made any difference. But if you can, build a case against her to use in court so you can get custody. That would have been the best for me. Writing down in hand with dates and descriptions of her behavior IS court admissible evidence. Recording her would also be very helpful in court. As you know narcs are skilled liars and if you don't have a case built up she will win. I wish I would have known this while I was still with her. Of course keep the docs or recordings where she can't find them.
OMG I did the same thing. I finally came to the conclusion that telling him what he does to me and how it hurts me, is futile. They absolutely know exactly what they are doing to people. Wow. I quit working on him and started working on me!! Now I don't care what he says or does, I'm not letting him back into my head and making me focus on him. I'm putting more and more space between us, until I disappear from him or he dumps me, which ever comes first. Yay.
Sunny Daye
Same here!
I don't even care anymore
He's shown his abuse to our children many times and I had never heard of this and when I started to understand
MY WHOLE LIFE AS I KNEW IT MADE Sense
AND I AM ADDRESSING MY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ISSUES WHICH IS WHAT MY NARC HAS SHOWN ME
yes, exactly had the equal experience
Sunny Daye Bravo!!! Been putting space between my narc and self. If he wont willingly leave then i will push him out. Eventually he will get tired of my withdrawing away from him and unaffection he will have no choice but to go.
Sunny Daye Hi I’m curious if you are married to your narc? And you’re trying to work on yourself, are you hoping he discards you because you know it would be easier that way? Because that’s kind of where I’m at I tried to leave last year and I just knew he would make my life a living hell so I’m doing a lot of self work trying to get a job etc & Just seeing where it goes from there when you try to leave them they just completely become unhinged
yup... when i called him out.. he retaliated by labeling me every sing;e thing.. he was .. i had to laugh and told him to get the fk out of my house.. i have cut contact since.. LIFE IS GREAT NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not true that a narcissist is always produced by childhood trauma. Some of the worst narcs were raised by loving normal parents and some of the strongest people you will ever meet are those who survived childhood trauma.
i agree. i think we always want to feel bad for evil people and think that if we love them enough that they will change, but its just not true. some people's brains are just messed up from the start....
How do you know the parents were loving I wonder
I saw it. I knew the parents.
my one alcoholic narc friend would always say her parents loved her too much. They never showed her disappointment. and that's why she is who she is.
+Fedeleness...I agree it is not always due to childhood "trauma". I know several people on the NPD spectrum and some came from great parents and some didn't. Yet, if you think about it....I think in most cases there were still some dysfunction going on. My ex had NPD. He had great parents...but....his mother did everything for him. He could do no wrong in her eyes....there were no boundaries between them. If I didn't know better I would almost think they were having a relationship. It was almost incestuous....but I know there wasn't anything physical going on. It was just that they were so connected mentally and emotionally. I noticed that there was some detachment between his mother and father though. It was the weirdest relationship I had ever seen. I believe he never established proper boundaries with his mother in childhood. I don't think it has to necessarily be "trauma"...but I still believe NPD is created from odd relationships between parents and children and the type of bonding that have. I think NPD can be created from having a parent(S) that are either detached or too involved - both are bad.
I tell my students, "You're the only person you can change."
How very kind of you to say... :)
I am using that with my students tomorrow, thank you!
In the case of a narcissist, they are the only person they can't change. They can change others and make them lose their minds but not themselves.
@@tezzo55 lol
@Angel Bulldog yes. Emotions Anonymous was my beginning of recovery from traits of Borderline and histrionic and narc. The word ATTITUDE is what I teach to my clients. It is the only thing we can choose in many situations. It also Adds up to 100. It is every thing. A=1 T =20 E=5...do the math. Teach your friend. DBT Skills of mindfulness and Emotional regulation were very effective too. Free dbt handbook pdf Fulton hospital online. It takes daily practice but works.
I called him out just to let him know that I'd figured him out, and would never let him back in my life. Then I blocked him and walked away. Made me feel loads better.
bingo
Exact same thing I did. DIdn't even stick around for the response. It's only been a week, so I don't know if she is gone forever, god I hope so. Hope she's terrified to try me again. DId yours ever bother you again?
Thats what im willing to do! Just say to her that I figured it out who she really is and then ill go back to no contact! I think im going to feel way better
Same
You can say whatever you want to a narcissist. it does not matter. they exist when you are yelling at them. nothing is getting in except you are wasting valuable energy breathing the same air as them.
So true, yet so hard to understand and act according
You NEVER tell a narcissist that you know they have NPD. First, you'll lose the upper hand of knowing their "secret." Second, they will never listen or believe what you tell them anyway, so what is the point.
I don't think npd is something one has, like a disease. It is a personality type
Yes and I wonder if they will see it as even more of an excuse to carry out the behaviours they commit! I have a friend who is bipolar and Ive actually heard her saying she could use her diagnoses as an excuse to be nasty to people and get away with it? Nice.
I just called my mother out this very night. She was telling me all the things I should have been grateful for during my childhood. She said our family was full of love compared to this other one. I said if you equate psychological abuse with love, then yep, our family was full of love. She went nuts. Now I'm getting the silent treatment. Joke's on her though because I just don't care anymore.
ByTruthImFree not always true.
Yes. Not because they won't hear you, but because they can't. Narcissists are not consciously hiding away their nasty destructive little secret.......... They don't know it exists. To their own minds, they are just normal -- but specially talented and important --- people, whose massive worth, for some crazy reason, is not acknowledged by the rest of humanity.
I called them out just before my discard of them. I did it bec it made me feel good. And you can bet your bottom dollar that no one else had the audacity to say it. I knew they were never going to change, and that wasn't my purpose. However when I dropped these individuals, it was all about ME for a change. Which felt lovely. The hell with them we must put ourselves first. Let us not forget the projection that they love to do when they get on the hot seat lol. All of a sudden you,who used to be their "everything" get demoted to the biggest failure they ever saw. They all will rot in hell for the emotional crimes that they committed upon others. They are so proud of the amounts of hearts that they have broken. Great video, lovely lady.
Tranquility I agree. It is not for response or for them to suddenly realize they need to change or vindication. It is a very personal decision on an individual basis. It made me feel very good to let my NARC know that I was aware of what they were and tell them for the final time to NEVER contact me again. I will also agree it should be done when you no longer are going to allow for contact, as you are exiting stage left and intend to STICK TO IT
I did the same. He of course threw countless temper tantrums...proving me right lol
Well said! I did the same! I cannot agree with you more.
Amen
She is correct - pushing a narcissist only makes them push harder. They will NEVER admit they have a problem because doing so removes their reason for being. And they cannot and will not remove that much of themselves.
NEVER. It's like debating truth with a person who is hell bent on lying and manipulation. Truth doesn't serve them, UNLESS it can be manipulated. And a truth manipulated IS THE EQUIVALENT of a lie.
@Mariana Ferreira right, synagogue of Satan
My narc has praised me to my face but talks about behind my back (caught him text an ex that I was so naive). I am definitely an un healed empath. I have to remind myself daily to focus in on my growth and move away from getting consumed with understanding all that's the pathology of a narc.
A very similar thing happened to me. He had problems with me which he would not tell me about at all, he would act extremely normal to me, but he texted nasty things about me to his ex which I happened to stumble upon.
I am also still an unhealed empath.
How are you doing now, though?
So did i
@@niranjanaumamaheswaran9250 The only way to heal is to stay away from this type of people. Heal your own wounds. Live your life to your fullest.
i disagree. calling them out lets them know that you know what they are and what hey have been doing and that the game is over. Because a big part of the rush that they feel comes from the fact that they have been manipulating you. If you don't call them out they will believe that they have continued to dupe you. Calling them out is the least you can do and if you don't you are continuing to be manipulated by the narc, who never wants to be confronted or called out. The ego of the narc doesnt want to be challenged, which is why we should call them out. We have anger and it must be directed at the person who is to blame, otherwise we cannot move forward.
I absolutely agree! I've seen through my friends behavior all along and it's exhausting to deal with her victim mentality. She will never see that she has a problem. She knows everything and we are all hurting her in some way.For example, she gets a new job, she won't be at that job for over a week before she thinks she knows everything there is to know and should start teaching people the job herself. She knows everything! No one can do anything without her input and we ate all idiots. What she dors not get is that we see right through it and we have been aware of her behavior the whole time! what is the most annoying is to constantly see her being an attention-seeking person and people that still will stroke her ego and play right into her hand. Not me!
NOMADIC FILMS. I called mine out and he blocked me lol
Yes because the truth hurts....their ego lol.
Nomadic Films I agree to do that only if its someone you don't have to be around. If its a family member close to home or a boss or someone that can make your life hell then its smarter not to. These kinds of ppl will seek to utterly destroy your life just for fun.
NOMADIC FILMS I called mine out as well as a narcopath and tagged his new source.. he will never contact me again and I feel better knowing he knows I know what a evil piece of shit he is.
silent treatment if u confront them...unbelievable...unstopable, cant argue with them childish people
Luis Felipe Urbaneja yep I got the silent treatment for trying
I think when they were a child they felt they were already grown and had to stick up forthemselves so they never grew from there and changed
I try and cut my adoptive mom out but she keeps coming back. After like 2 yrs of no contact she will send a message to reel me in. Just since Christas I told her after our last issues I am done with her. Love her but no more. It's Feb now and my son's birthday is on Valentine's day. She sent a message and i have yet to read it. I am stuck. I know I have my own mental issues ( I was adopted at 13 ) and sometimes second guess myself and not her/ brother..
Yep I called him out and guess what, I was the wrong one, It's been a week and I've gone no contact and I must say I have no drama..I told him he likes to argue, all the time we argue about silly stuff and man did he hold grudges...I have left him alone, OMG I feel so much better!!
That's great! I am happy for you. I have called mines out too and went no contact. I assure you that I feel a weight lefted off of my shoulders. It's such a relief.
Like I don't get it.... What's so bad in calling the Narc's out?
At least it shows them that someone cares enough for them to tell them the truth. Instead of living their life in era. Like that's completely wrong.
Like the Holy Bible say's "ye shall know the truth & the truth will make you free". You have to expose them. By exposing them they might be a shame and not change but at least they will no exactly what problem they have or they just MIGHT do a 360. You just never know.
Also, a Narc or our Narc may not know that they are Narcissistic yet alone what it means. Yes they may know that they have a problem BUT not know that they have NPD.
So if you don't call them out, how would they know?
By you calling them out just MIGHT "save them" that's just my opinion.
No one deserves to go through this toxic trauma. May GOD help those of us that are not completely heal yet but are on a journey to becoming a CHAMPION in taking back everything that our Narc took from us. For we are stronger than we realize.I assure you that we will ALL look back on this & laugh smh. God bless you all. Go be free. Go be happy. Their are a lot of fishes in the sea and ONE awaits YOU 🙏😂💯💜💛💙
@@calliamilliner5793 🙏🏻❤
If you call them out and laugh about their response it makes them go away, because their game is up.
I believe a lot of Narcs doesn't even realize the Name of their Disorder. We must remember, we didn't realize what we were dealing with until we came across the knowledge ourselves. Confronting those that don't know, I believe can be a Blessing to you both.
I agree. I called mines out and then I went no contact. It is meaningful to call a Narc out... I mean why not?
Why let them walk around living their life in error?
I did not always know what a Narc and a NPD was. I just literally found out myself because I was in pain and went searching for answers & help. I did not know all the names, symptoms & etc...
Some people know that they have a problem but they don't know that they are a Narc yet alone what it means.
So by you calling them out/exposing them will either bring them to shame. They probably won't stop but at leaat they will know what their problem is OR you the Narc will acknowledge they have those problems, seek help and over time change. You just never know.
By calling them out might SAVE THEM and or y'all relationship. But hey what do I know? This is just my opinion.
Such great timing, I literally just went no contact with my Narcissist of 2years, and emailed her telling her that if she wants to live her life continuing to wonder why everyone leaves her it's her choice. Or she can get treated for NPD, and I stated it is over 100% and was going no contact. She even emailed me back asking to be a friend and that she lost her job. I tried to help her with her N about 2 months ago and got dragged into it, she actually stated she might be and over that period starting refusing it. I finally realized this and started pulling away. I have been learning about N for the last 8 months so I know 100% she is. About 3 weeks ago I met the most amazing person that has similar experiences and NOW I can finally move on knowing AGAIN what a great relationship feels like. It was my life lesson, and my decision to grow/heal and move on. I truly feel this new relationship is a godsend, and there is a saying "if you don't let go of the wrong person, you will never find the right person." I truly feel this all come full circle, because if I hadn't let the Narcissist go I would have never met the amazing woman I am dating now, that is Definitely not a narcissist. Merry Christmas and thank you for the info! :D Like you said once you see all the signs, it's best to announce it, and walk away, it's up THEM to change them NOT US.
I am ready to leave but i fear leaving my 3 1/2 year old daughter with my narc wife. I have finally faced the truth, but i know that my staying these years has really helped my daughter. I am unable to take my daughter with me. Please advise. GW
I agree! I am happy for you. Thanks for sharing 🙏
I just made this mistake. Smh. Im devastated and exhausted and depressed and anxiety ridden. Thank you for your videos.
I do hope you’re recovering well. I understand this all too well. Made that mistake as well. Hugs to you 💖✨
I see your point but I think at the end of the day it really boils down to the real reason and motivation is for that person feeling the need to call a narcissist out! Of course if The reasoning and motivation behind it is to get him to change or see his wicked ways, then forgot about it! Me on the other hand I did call him out! But that's because I'm just that straightforward person and I call it as I see it! Fortunately for me, I was not someone he could gaslight! I knew what I knew and even if it didn't change the situation, I let him know that he wasn't succeeding at his manipulative camps. I guess I just got lucky in addition to being a highly sensitive person or if you want to put it into religious terms, having a spiritual on top of having some sort of decent intellect. I'm not saying that just because I had quality that that made me more immune to his treacherous and malicious ways. I guess my point or comments rather, the ID call. But I did not expecting anything to change. Not him. Not our Laois and ship. Not anything. I had no expectations whatsoever and because I went into it with that mindset, that gave ME the power to "enlighten" him on MY terms - when and how! So I guess the big question is, if I wasn't expecting anything to change then why did I do it? Because I myself something about letting him know that I knew and his games and is malicious slanderous disgusting ways! It did something for me to let him know he wasn't as good as he thought he was. To let him know that if dysfunctional, broken, yet to be healed females didn't allow him into their life, he'd be up the creek without a paddle! He couldn't survive otherwise! Because he's nothing without those who are already wounded! Yes in my situation I believe I'm the only one that tells him the truth about himself and I'm sure it won't be in for the moment. I'm sure I'm outnumbered a million to 1 by females that he can immediately turn go to in order to boost his fragile joke of an ego and that's ok! I don't fill my days with time planning and plotting that I know will cut for but I do take some sort of satisfaction in knowing that he knows I'm the one person that knows him better than himself and can see straight thru his bullshit! As small and meaningless as it is in the grand scheme of things, I consider it a plus for me. It helps me to remember that I can stand strong! Just MY story - I know everyone is at different stages and has to do what's best and healthy for THEM! Good luck to all who are on their journey to heal!
There is satisfaction in knowing they know that you know!
I have close experience with two narcs. The first I gave a final written letter to that I specifically said in there was written more for my closure than hers because I knew she wouldn't acknowledge a damn thing (so I guess I did it for the same reasons you did) and then went no contact (aside from us being roommates at the time). The second I currently live with, and he himself actually came out and called himself a narc before I said it, but he's smart and I think he knew I knew. He laughed about how he didn't care, I think he thought he was taking the power back but all it did was empower me to know that he knows I'm aware of what he is, although he tried to convince me there was nothing wrong with it.
I've watched both of them now go through this period of being a little obsessed with trying to control my perceptions of them. The girl did it over long, novel sized texts for days and my ex just drops comments and jokes about how I'm wrong about him all the time. With the first narc, I found this aspect really stressful but now I just see it as a part of their game, the final play. They want you to feel crazy, I think this is why she said it should be your final word to them. My first narc told people she was 'scared' of me, and with no justifiable reason honestly, I'm not threatening in character in the least, all I could fathom is that she was scared of being exposed and I think that is true with my current also, and probably true for most narcs. They go haywire and do that 'grand finale' (as I've seen it called) so depending on who you are dealing with, I could see calling them out being extremely dangerous. I wouldn't call out my current narc the way I did the first, because he's self aware on some level and to me a thousand times more capable of causing damage for that reason. He could be a narc, or a sociopath, based off of his own words and evaluation of self, and I don't know which it is.
Pandurz it's irrelevant. if you like someone's behaviour fine if you don't fine. if thry treat you badly and you're a masochist fine. what's not fine is staying and whining about it. plus it's a terrible behaviour to model for your kids as well as bad for your self esteem.
yup...I do exactly as you do to my covert ex narc'. She then projects back like a firestorm out of hell. I ignore her, then bingo, a few days of N.C. goes by then she starts all over again by being "nice" to me😉. Eleven year's in, I now know all the moves. It's pure theatre macabre....a tragi'comedy of epic but pathetic proportions. Calling a narc' out seems to be a growing phenomena within our now massive global community of abused persons. Bottom line is that the general behaviour of narc's can only be finally concluded as a mental illness. Existing therapist's/counseling avenues are clueless and almost non-existent. I personally am now therefore checking out the "demonic possession" angle... (Jezebel etc)... there's some interesting clues on-line about this thesis. Anyway folks, we're all on a torturous learning curve...We each will eventually find our own way out of the jail of which we had innocently found ourselves cruelly impounded in. As a precautionary note. obviously NEVER call a narc' out if there's physical danger lurking behind their evil masks. Thnx for reading this lot. I was inspired by this video here and also of the comment above. to then go onto write all this lot about "calling out" etc, it's a sort of homage to the excellent author of this channel.
Thomasbaldie since the solution lies with what we choose to do about involvement with narcs (because they can't and won't cgange) the problem is not the narc but the way we have been programmed (or possibly programmed ourselves in very early childhood) to be too selfless too submissive. Healthy people don't stay with narcs. Because they feel ill in the relationship and know instinctively that if they don't leave they'll become seriously mentally I'll- depressed/suicidal. Narc's are happy to attract anyone but they destroy other people's self esteem and will to live. That's what they do. There's a saying in Al Anon " if you don't want a dog to pissed on your leg stop pretending to be a lamp post". That's what codependents /co-narcs do - they deny who they really are by behaving in a certain way and then whine about the way they're treated. Meanwhile they've set the whole thing up themselves. Sad.
ampersand etcetera I'm not 'staying and whining about it' tbh, I'm stuck in a lease that we got into when our daughter was born until April 1st. The agreement was supposed to be that if we split he would leave and still financially fulfill the lease like I did the first time we split, because I paid first and last. OR he was supposed to cover 2 months full rent portion (to cover his half of first and last), neither happened and he has me paying for everything involving his cats.
It is true, I did set this up myself but the thing with narcs is they just have a way of spinning things around you so out of control. While we were pregnant, I maintained that I didn't want to live together because we had lived together and split up once, I knew I wasn't ready for it. He said "either we live together or break up" and I still wasn't going for it but then I agreed for us to temporarily stay with my mom (to avoid a lease) but he managed to create some chaos with my older brother (almost 30 living at my mom's, also a narc lol) and the police got involved and basically I could no longer stay there. And he had given his landlord notice to evacuate in the next week. He fucked me over to get what he wanted, cheaper rent so he could quit working. I was here less than a month before I was running circles in my head trying to figure out how the HELL I ended up doing something I didn't even want to do, that I EXPRESSED not wanting to do, and that cost me all of my financial savings. Believe me, hindsight is 20/20 but he also is very good at isolating me. I thought when we got back together I could just be very social but the truth is he's such an ass that no one wants to be around if he's there. His own FAMILY said they'd visit their granddaughter more if he didn't live with us!
Wow! Right on time. Been banging my head against the curb with this one! Their ‘logic’ is mind bending lunacy🤪🤕🤪
you nailed it!!! letting my mom control my life and giving her that power until I completely cut her off.
Cutted mine off too..but I send present only on her birthday
You are so right, I tried it with my father and my ex wife. It was a absolutely pointless, it just backfired on me. And just as you say, they both strongly pointed out that I am like that, not them, and so and so agree with them and even think I am mentally ill..
My experiences exactly! In another case, telling them they needed help caused them to get much worse, to where they tried to ruin my rep etc...
I know Im asking the wrong place but does any of you know of a tool to get back into an instagram account?
I somehow lost the account password. I appreciate any help you can give me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insightful wisdom. You spoke to my soul and inspired my self reflection during this horrific time in my life having spent almost 30 years with a Narcissist husband. Now I see clearly because of you. I was his supply, he was my SID, and tonight I am finally free! :)
How did you become free after 30 years? With all the bills, debt & kids?
just go no contact
best solution
You're just gonna attract other narcs anyway. Heal on the inside and your outside will be a mirror
I tried to go no contact. That helps a little bit, but if you have psychic ties and I certainly do, going no contact is not enough. You have to go no contact after you heal or at the same time and sometimes you have to always keep your guard up. It depends on how deep those psychic ties are. It varies in each case. Good luck.
@@bushra7352 here here
Alberto that's great when you can
You prolly shouldn't bc they don't self reflect. So it's pointless. But you can sure as hell tell everyone else👍
good idea.
If only others would believe you. No one wants to believe that someone they know and like could be so horrible behind closed doors.
Not a good idea, it's just pointless vindictive behaviour. A true narc won't care they'll always have supply. There are narcs who claim others are narcs and it's very common for them to completely smear their victims name to garner pity for the woes they've been through.
Calling out your narc serves only to give you power over yourself imo, putting your foot down and letting them know you're aware of their shit. The only thing you can do to truly get at your abuser is by loving yourself as much as you loved them and being "selfish" for once because for so long it was always about them and they never let you think of yourself because of the pain they'd cause you for it. Just focus on yourself and no one else is the only way to heal, talk to close ones or professionals about it but don't smear there name. Because ultimately that just makes you as bad as them and feeds them with drama and let's them know they got at you which is just another win in their eyes.
@@NunyaBiznez2010 This is it, they're so manipulative. Even if you did say people would only believe them.
So true! I have always wondered why my dad was the way he is, some people said it was because of his alcoholism but I knew it was something else. A few weeks ago I called him out about some of his crappy attitude towards my mom and sisters and he totally said I was the one who has this kind of attitude, not him... After that I started to learn about narcissism and now everything makes sense to me.
What a freaking art?!!..to talk a lot only around the bushes but saying almost nothing for the amount I barely listened. Looks like that was beyond hard to just get to the point and solve the issues.To much pleasure out there to be on the screen.
The timeliness of this video is just incredible. I went no contact from a narc recently and was feeling righteous and had the temptation to do this but this will help me tonight when I know he will probably show up. I can calmly shut it down without feeding it any energy, knowing that this is my lesson to learn, not his. Thank you so much Mel, you are an angel
One thing I have trouble believing is the idea that the narc has killed off their true self. I think their true self is just suppressed to the point where it probably will never surface in this lifetime, but since our body is just a product of our unconscious mind, just the fact that their body is being kept alive is the product of love/God source energy (they have an integral purpose after all) flowing through them and they don't even realize it. Most sociopaths claim that they don't dream- it's because dreams are the playground and expression of the unconscious mind where the true self can emerge but because it's so shut off, they cannot access it. But in the same way, many of us have shut off parts of our unconscious mind, repressed memories, etc- just not to the extreme that narcs have. I don't think a true self can be killed off- true self is love, the essence of a person- God source that is running through every person, every soul. That God source is what connects us ALL- and we are all one. Narcs are not some monster that is separate from us - they are mirrors to repressed parts of ourselves just like we all mirror each other. We are all one, and the same life force is running through all of us, so narcs do have a true self. We will most likely not see it and should not bother trying to see it in this lifetime- that's not our purpose.
Bless you BhavZ and I am so pleased this resonated with you and has helped you take your power back by turning inwards xoxox
Behave one of the most interesting truths I discovered re narcissists and "their purpose and soul" was what I discovered in my LBL session. This is the information here: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/ This may help ... I love the fact that they go back to Light - BIG time ...No soul misses out. xoxox
BhavZ I agree with you too. I think that's probably the only place where me and the majority part company on beliefs about the narcissist. As a Christian, I believe that my God (Jesus) is bigger than any situation, thing or person and as long as you have breath, it's never too late! By scientific evidence as shown thru brain scans etc. ok, yeah they may be lacking in certain areas that dictate how much of a "human" you'll be, to put it simply, but as I said, I believe my God can do any and every thing! Now I don't want to give the impression that with that belief you should "stick it out" - hell no! nor that I'm advocating false hope and therefore some sort of clinging on to he or she and/or the situation! Definitely not! I'm just saying that I DO believe their is hope for them but only by some divine intervention and in and of itself, it's sad that these people have fallen into a category that society has pretty much thrown away and written off. They have meds and psychotherapy for just about, if not all, disorders listed in the DSM-5. Unfortunately, this is one of the harder ones to treat. What a miserable life. Especially those that have even a glimpse into their IU inner chaos!
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been struggling with a narcissist brother my entire life. He cut my father out of his life long ago. Many times he has cut me out of his life, but since he is my brother, I always try to be the bigger person and try to salvage the relationship. Each time I have let him back into my life by asking for it, I have been hurt.
I'm done getting hurt. I will never speak to him again. And I feel good about it.
If narcissist's see others as extensions of themselves or non-entities, and then proceeds to blame others for their problems via projections, they are ironically taking responsibility for who they are ;).
Sbeast i am blessed with a good memory. I spent 12 years with my narc and this last year have watched hundreds of videos about narcissism. So i can reflect my past and see clearly. Everything i got accused of it was her that was.
I told her i know about her and how i saw her “ acting “, she laughed and said happy on the outside crying inside. She knows its not even her how she really is. Chameleon to whatever.
Yass👏
every now and then I need a reminder, thank you.
On the flip side, I've seen women call their SO/husband a narcissist just because he doesn't do exactly what she wants. If this is the case, then it's more likely that the woman is the true narcissist, not the man. My ex wife has BPD and she constantly called me "selfish" when I made efforts to take care of myself. Otherwise I agree with this video in general.
They need serious mental help
Isn't this one of the Givens about narcissists?: They will not, and can not, accept what they are. Once I understood this, I was finally able to accept that the only solution, to avoid more hurt for myself, was to go No Contact with my narc. mother.
I too tried to confront my partner on issues and it was like talking literally to a wall and I could not understand this until I discovered I was dealing with a narc.
You will drive yourself insane trying to reason with them. And that's exactly where the demon narc wants you to be.
Hollow Empty Shell. Had an established bonding interrupted, by some manipulative people. And it affected that poor Narcissist. It Is really sad.
Hi Mel,
I'm from Colombia, I lived in Australia for 5 years and now I live here. I met a narcissist one from Panamá so I felt very depressed but I help myself with your videos.
I confess, your videos help me a lot, and my journey understanding why I had to have this experience is less traumatic than before and the healing is more quickly than my last relationships.
I'm very grateful with you because you are trully inspirational.
I always thank Australians at the time that I lived there and people like you help others.
Lots of Love
Patricia
Bless Patricia and I am so pleased my information is helping you! xoxox
Amazing!!! You couldn't be more correct. I called out my narc and she turned right around and called me the narcissist. They are so text book.
My husband stopped talking to me a week ago. He texted me saying "you ruined my life, we are done. Bye." He was already giving me the silent treatment but he blocked me.
He is only communicating with me through his sister. He refuses to tell me why he is mad at me. Is this a narsistic game? It's weird because when we are together he doesn't give me the silent treatment but this happens everytime we are apart. He called me crazy and a psycho for asking him to call me for 10 minutes a few times a week so we could actually talk, and have a decent conversation. We would end up texting throughout the day instead, but he would take forever to text back so we could never have a decent conversation..ever. My love language is words of affirmation and quality time so it was really hard on me when he would act that way. The interesting thing is his love language is quality time too..yet he rarely wanted to spend time with me. I'm not playing these games anymore. Once I realized who he really is, and the fact that he would ignore me that way on purpose..yeah, bye! I would explain to him how it was a trigger for me because of some pain from my childhood and I just couldn't understand why he would still do it to me even though it hurt me. It all makes sense now. I have changed my number, blocked him, and am moving on with my life
Hi Megan, I believe this blog will help you with your questions blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment-what-to-do-when-you-are-treated-like-you-dont-exist/ The blog goes through many ways the narcissist uses silent treatment. And you are right - it is a game! Love and blessings to you xoxox
Apparently i “ destroyed “ my narc. She has spent the last year punishing me. I had enough and gone no contact.
Been there !!!!
I have honestly had a few of these relationships, but I have to say once I started doing the inner work that I needed, the last relationship I had, my eyes were opened almost right away!
I asked God to take the dagger out of my hand and put a mirror in my hand and boy did I learn a lot about myself
These relationships are just not even attractive anymore, I’m not interested in me babying a grown man, and stroking his ego all the time and everything required to provide supply to them. That’s just not how I want to live my life!
I think that’s the problem, is we find these men when we are in bad places in life sometimes and they bring excitement, and it’s hard to leave that. It’s almost like being addicted to heroin and then with drawing right away it is very difficult to get over these relationships, the best way to get over them is to not get in them in the first place!
You're got it Moxiegirl!! We are addicted to the narcissist and withdrawal is extremely painful - some say worse than getting off heroin. I am delighted you are on the Thriver side now. Kudos to you hun. Keep thriving! xoxox
Oit of ALLLL the Narc videos I've watched and ALLLL the comments I've read... You put the nail in thw coffin and sealed the lie and exposed tje truth. The devil is the author of lies and he's a Narcissist👿....😇disguise
Thank you. I just tried to do what your talking about. It was a quite self defeating experience. Narcissist never see you at all.
"I am not your enemy"-once told me my mother who is narc.
Yup, at one point I only heard “you are a narcissistic person” then I went looking what that was, I really thought I was that, went into therapy, looking and making tests to see if I am such a person! I was devastated I created disaster and was such a portrait person. Fortunately my psychologist helps me thru, and made me see that I am not the one who has a problem. We took baby steps but this is what I learned: the real narcissistic do their very best to make you look the crazy one, they control you so bad mentally that you believe them (especially if you where all your life their source).
Now I am at the point of finding my identity, because when a narcissistic person dries you out, you are left drained of all energy, emotions, personality you have no idea anymore but only that what they have putted into your mind for years!
People run if you have a narcissistic person. To me was very hard to see these things because she was my sister, I always looked up to her, always thought she deserves a good life, and feeling guilty that she was “the victim” and I tell you is terrible when you “wake up” and realize that person doesn’t exist, that you have been a puppet, manipulated, used and reused!
I agree that there's zero chance they own up when called out. They live their whole lives ready to invalidate that person in that moment. On some level, though, they do know. I always thought my mom was a teflon narcissist. As I walked away from her for the very last time, she said everything she's been denying for decades. I believe she actually got it. Too little, too late!
Great username!!! Reminds me of Anon 2012
The narc got very hostile, mask completely off when we talked the last time face to face. He wanted to "talk it out," encouraging me to be honest about my feelings, but cut me deeply when I told him he was hurting me by acting like everything was so meaningful in our relationship when it clearly wasn't reflected in his behavior. I was very ripped open, with his brutal honesty completely contradicting his previous idealization of our relationship. After having been so nice to him, and not having gotten over him after a year and a half, I took some energetically protective flower essences, and boy did the anger come out! I wrote a long, rhyming poem about his effects on me and then when a co-worker said I should send it I said the ex was not capable of getting it, but I listened when my coworker said "Let him know he f___ed up." I did this right after he had been dumped by his girlfriend. He moved to the wilderness for a while. Of course he got back on his false feet again, and contacted me again. The night before he sent an email, I had a dream he was trying to "talk it out" again, which was unsuccessful in the dream, onIy to wake up and find the email in my inbox. I briefly tried to confront him again, referencing the dream conversation. He didn't answer, not even to say I was crazy. I realized the futility of trying to confront him and changed email address. He subsequently reunited with the girl who had previously dumped him. I didn't feel pain like I had fear that I would. I didn't find you or NARP for another two years, and have tried to do daily modules for most of this time. I don't feel haunted by him like previously, and I am focusing inward much better. But, I still don't feel regret about telling him off in rhyming couplets for two pages.
FINALY FINALLY FINALLY I am ready to believe you that the narc will NOT change.
I seriously thought that maybe I was being harsh with my assessment that the person I was dealing with was a narc despite that my knowing was confirmed, through a diagnosis that he recently got.
I totally did what you did, I did that knowing that you tried to help the first narc. He uses guilt to hook me in.
My denial has finally been smashed, thank goddess. I am now willing to live by intuition rather than guilt.
I am ready to heal now, and have gone full NO CONTACT.. That was the piece that I was unwilling to do, and therefore kept getting sucked back in. F-that
I appreciate you so much.
That is wonderful Arline ... well done! xoxox
Thank you!!!
Would you be willing to do a video on how to achieve emotional and energetic NO CONTACT...
I am really trying not to even talk about him, but my mind really likes to obsess. That is getting better, but the peptide addiction is really powerful.
Oh yeah, will you do a video on peptide addiction. I want to understand that better.
I know healing is not about logic and understanding, it is spiritual, but information does help.
Have a wonderful Christmas and wish TIggy a merry Christmas too.
xoxox
Thank you. A lifelong experience with Narcissists has taken such a heavy toll, including health problems and a crazy label. Thank you for your great work Melanie
I called mine out, walked away and permanently blocked him
Me too. Are you safe?
The exact same thing happened with my narcissist- he said, this is all YOU. Utter MADNESS is right. You have been a GODSEND Melanie. You make the most sense of all the insanity.
Thank you Melanie for your kind reply to my previous message on another video. This one is great too. This one helps me to realize how this field of psych integrates with true Christianity, the polar opposite of narcissism. I was searching for wisdom and advice that does not require me to abandon my faith and love for the Lord, secular wisdom that is in line with the Lord's wisdom, thus the truth, not just some choice of belief. Your wisdom and insight seems so very much in line. Discernment is a HUGE part of Jesus' message that is much neglected by many (not all) so-called preachers and even popular quotes, and He did instruct us to do what you said at the end of this video (Matthew c10, v10-16; Matthew c7, v6; ) to realize the appropriateness to drop association with them and even blow the dust of that place off your shoes (have nothing to do with them, clean break from them, let God deal with them instead of fretting about them or revenge or getting sucked back in to their evil system, ever!). ... Further, Narcissists lack humility to realize or accept their own imperfections or faults; Conversely, the true Christian way is to check one's own ego at the door, put it on the altar per-se, consider privately and genuinely if maybe I myself might be so, instead of just blaming it on others (Matthew c7, v 3-5; Luke c9, v 9-14). It is something each of us needs to do, to have the humility to preclude being/becoming a narcissist ourselves and being blind to it (part and parcel of the narcissistic syndrome). Of course, such humility and introspection needs to be in private and genuine to be effective spiritual/psych hygiene. It is not something to be proud about (pride is the structural support of the narcissist) since that would be counterfeit and sabotaging the result (Matthew c6, v 1-6; Matthew c7, v 3-5)
We are all One, Dear mtlicq! Whichever Higher Power, Source/ God you believe in is your belief and birth right. Quantum Law is universally aligned as; So Within-So Without. It's beautifully, gorgeous unfoldment meant to be. Love and blessings to you. xoxox
One true God, Jesus, No counterfeits. or impostors. There is only one right one. Peace be with you.
This really sums it up!! Thanks🤗
I told her in a bullet list of all the things she’d ( dates and time from my journal) done that had hurt me ... she went on a rage and it was over with and I left in a week ... not a single word of any compromise or self reflection on her part ..., it was a joy driving many states away to never to her ever again ... what I loved never existed
brilliant thank you ....I have detached emotionally from my husband and feel a lot better xxx
It's my pleasure Linda, and power to you for doing so!! xoxox
Great video! My narc was told to get some serious therapy decades ago ( from his former girlfriend) and he actually DID a lot of talk therapy with a very famous male therapist, but that in my opinion didn’t make him accountable in any way. On the contrary, by the time I met him he was more dangerous than ever- now he has vocabulary, more power and techniques. He puts himself so above others, because of his “understanding” and “transformation”. ( Of course he has a grandiose ideas about his work/art/projects while living in his mother’s house at the age of 62, unemployed for years). And of course - I was the crazy, pragmatic person who wouldn’t possible have enough understanding of his special values and contributions to the humanity! Now that I’m no contact for 2 months I’ve seen the real craziness of that toxic bond ( 5 times back and forward).
Wish this was all available 18 years ago!
Learned my lessons! Let’s spread some more awareness into this world and heal!
"Deflect away" - key words. I'm convinced at this point that narc creates highly resilient energy field which is well adapted to warping everything around it, and that's not energy with which you can dialogue with or call out directly. People are asking how do the citizens of USA protect themselves from narc president elect. I don't have an answer for that other than it might out there to get the collective citizenry to finally do the work. People online got into discussion over description of narcissist, and they were clueless about what it is unless they had been through it and to make matters worse insensitive to those who had been through it & talking trash because they were trying to talk like experts when they knew nothing about it.
I don't think narcissistic personality disorder belongs in the DSM because these people don't break down, they thrive (like fungus in the sh*t and darkness). They're a special kind of crazy -- dominant culture supported. I find everything I understand of what Melanie Tonia Evans says to be true.
Thank you for your video. I’m just now starting inner child work to heal from multiple forms of abuse imposed on me by my narcissistic older sister. She made my childhood hell and I started to see it unfold in my adult life. Nope, no ma’am, I will not give her the power to destroy my adulthood nor will my daughter be damaged by being raised by a depressed mother. This shit stops NOW.
Melanie, you are beautiful! Letting go with love and compassion for them is a reflection of ourselves ~ having love and compassion and especially forgiveness for ourselves on the other end of what we are giving. It takes some time and distance from the horrible pain to see the gift that it was designed to be. Thank You! XOXO
You are so welcome Karyn and thank you dear lady! I am so pleased you are in the energy of the "gift". That is where our liberation lies xoxox
Yes a gift it is.To turn the attention and healing back to ourselves.
Called one out today, and then she showed me exactly who she is this afternoon and evening. Confirmed it to a T. Very much looking forward to going no contact, and moving on with my life. What I’m most looking forward to is not giving her an ounce of control in my life, or access to me. You are the company you keep. You are the sum of the 5 people you surround yourself.
Namaste,
Val 🙏🏼
It depends why you are doing it but if you're all clear what happened including your own participation and you're well and truly done, it feels really good, like taking your power back, they can't get around you because you see them, they know it and the bonus is they are shit scared of you and keep away.
Benedicte Davies mm is that why mine blocked me after I called him out
haha yes shit scared I always got this vibe from my ex.They can,t stand to see strong people and because they are such immature people they sulk and get scared and angry because the truth hurts and that is what they use to justify treating others like shit because thats what they are inside!
Ell monroe yes pieces of Shit in the inside. I bet the truth did hurt. it needs too
Beware of hatred it cuts you off from your own spiritual healing. The truth contains its own power. I did it compassionately, never even mentioned the N word but explained the mechanism. It was my parting gift like you plant a seed because it is in your hand to plant, whether it ever germinates or not is off my hands and I carry the power of the truth with me for my own healing. Anyway they are not unlike us, we all look for love in the in the wrong place in different ways, no point being the pot calling the kettle black but I admit there was a bit of satisfaction seeing the bad shrinking away from the light in terror while you are not scared of it shining on your own faults. You can hate the sin without hating the sinner so to speak.
Yes!!!
It's amazing how often I look at the title of a MTE video and say "this won't apply to me all that much." Then I watch the video and feel it's been custom tailored exactly for what's going on with me in my life.
Your so onto it. It’s been so hard but your so right on so many levels. Thank you for helping me see it for what it is. Time to heal and get back to being me again. 😊
Have learned this past year what my mom had been doing to me through her narcissist abuse for over 40 years. I also began to see that she’d been doing the same to my young son. I heard her conversation with him- and I kindly asked her to stop making my child feel badly about himself. She turned it all on me. I ended up calling her out and throwing her out of my house! She mentioned I was no longer her daughter. Although probably not a good idea, I felt a lifetime of abuse leave painfully through my lower chakras. I just felt I needed to finally stick up for me and my son.
I also think it should be our final statement and then leave and never look back. Why say it in the first place, if we never want to see him/her again...? Because we don't know if something like reincarnation exists. If it exists, we will maybe meet again. And even if we forgot, that we've met before, I strongly believe in the power and magic of words. Something in his/her soul will remember and also we will receive some kind of warning sign. If we listen to it or not is a different story.
This is so true. I was married to mine over 28 years, when our daughter and I saw the first Narcissist video, by accident. We were looking at the top 10 girl names on You Tube, on my phone, then I clicked to see the top boy names, all of a sudden a narcissist video started playing instead. I always knew he wasn’t normal. By then he had me at deaths door, and isolated me away from everyone.
My daughter and I listened, to the video, it was in 2015, the year she graduated High School. I had lost my mother in 2014, my sister in 2015, not long after losing my sister is when this happened. I kept saying omg that’s and I called his name, my daughter kept saying omg that’s daddy, we said it during that entire Video. The video did say not to tell them, but I had been married so long, I expected him to say, that’s crazy I love you etc. He said nothing. My daughter and I was at a motel taking a little vacation after she graduated. All that happened at the hotel. When he came back to the hotel I noticed his wedding ring was off. I asked about it, he lied and said it was getting so tight so he had to take it off it was hurting his finger.
He expected things to stay the same, when we got home, and he went to leave for work that morning, he tried to kiss me bye, I turned my head and said no. He then went to acting as though he never even knew who I was. It was so strange how he went to being my husband all those years to acting as though I had never existed. He flat out refused to ever talk about it. I had no idea anything like that existed. I just know he chased me 6 months begging for a date, I did not want to go on a date with him, he would send flowers to my job, talk to my friends telling them to beg me to go out with him.
Finally his mother passed away from Cancer. He was in The Military stationed near me. He really did use his mother’s sickness and dying with cancer to get me to feel sorry for him, so I would talk to him.
I thought okay I’ll have one meal with him, then he would leave me alone.
I even drove my own car, I refused to ride with him.
He was so sweet, he treated me so good. I thought I had died and went to Heaven. I had already got the Courage to divorce my first abuser.
So I was on cloud nine thinking I had met the sweetest guy alive. Finally my Prince Charming.
He wanted to hurry and get married. I happily said yes. About 4 months into the marriage out walks this demon screaming at the top of his lungs, cussing every breath, calling me every name he could think of. I started crying and cried all night long. He never comforted me the first time. He kept me crying two straight years. Constantly hurting my feelings.
That went on all those long years.
When I saw that video and found out what I had been dealing with over 28 years. I stopped him. It almost killed me to learn my entire life with him was based on a lie, nothing was real. I really did cry and mourn for the husband I thought I married he never did exist that demon made him up.
I really had to in my mind bury the guy I thought I married. It was horrible, I started learning from day one. I know it all. I have moved on with my daughter now 4 years later. I’ve never felt this happy in my life.
My daughter told me many times, Momma it told you not to tell him, I told her I did not expect that reaction, I expected him to say no that’s not true I love you.
I almost never got away from him.
Do not ever tell a narcissist that they are one, I learned that the very hard way.
He had turned my entire family against me, I had no moral support at all, except groups, and you tube, and anything I could get my hands on to read. I had to find out why I was a magnet for abusers. I had came from a broken home. My mother made me the scapegoat. My mother had passed away the year before I found out. First I had to go back to my childhood and heal that little girl. Then I had to forgive my mother, because she came from an alcoholic home. She didn’t have a clue how to love her children. She had 2 golden children. It was very hard to do that, but I had to do it to start healing from marring abusive men, and one was a Covert Narcissist. I do listen to you a lot. I know a women from where you are from that knows you, I told her yes I listen to her.
What you said about you was happy no one was there for you in another video, that’s how I feel. It made me the strongest women, and I know another man will not destroy my future.
When I look back, I’m so Thankful to still be alive, when I wake up I’m happy every day. I no longer have to have panic attacks, walk on eggshells, be scared to death all the time. I’m really free, from my mother, my family of origin, the 2 ex abusers, and I am finally so happy. I never felt this in my entire life. It’s absolutely amazing.
Thank you for all you do to help all the victims of narcissist abuse.
I’m no longer a victim, I’m a Survivor, and one happy women.
happy for you .nice stoty
The only reason I confronted him is because throughout the 6 yr relationship he always said I willl never figure him out. I was naive and couldn't imagine he had this up his sleeve, let me tell you he didn't like it I figured him out.
I called one out to his face, and the look on his face was PRICELESS!!!😂
My dad deflected the traits back at me when I tried to talk to him about his wife's bpd narcissistic traits. I thought he was just an enabler, but I'm not so sure anymore what to think anymore. Except that I need to get out of their reality fog.
That's his way of trying to get me to believe he is taking responsibility for his actions. Every day he contradicts himself in the same sentence. I am so thankful for videos like this because I am reminded not to fall into his beautiful looks and fake charm. He can make me feel on top of the world one night, pick a fight with me and then spend the night with someone else.... it's taken so much to understand this but I am so looking forward to the day of my 100% healing from him.... I'm so sad but TRUTH sinks in more and more everyday
Every now and then I need a reminder
Wow.
I haven't spoken to my NPD codependent in 15 years.
After seeing this, I don't think I will!
Thank you for your help. Stay well.
"that's you" is exactly what my husband said to me as well! Thanks for sharing.
Great explanation (divorced from true self). You get this sense sitting next to them and the horror of realising there is "nobody home" makes your stomach drop. They didn't grow up properly! Imagine meeting yourself for the first time as an adult. That would be so weird.
Yeah, she calls me a narcissist; but when I ask her "How have I lied, cheated, robbed, used, or abused you in any way whatsoever?" she can`t and wont answer the question because I never have. If she had asked me the same question I wouldn`t be able to remember much less know all the times she did all of those things to me. I would have figured she`d have figured it out, that its her and not me. It is mind boggling, demeaning, and very depressing to me....I feel hopelessly helpless, ruined, and broken. :'(
you're stuck in the phase where its the narcissist still breathes "energy" into you. but its false energy. and you might feel that you need it to survive yourself. you don't. learn to vipassana meditation. take care of your own happiness. you will see after a few months, that you start to heal and you won't need to be dependent on her or anyone. you can sustain your own self. I hope you found peace. horrible that such things exist. I new of this only 5 days ago with my wife.
OMG!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am currently fighting off tears , no i am in tears. I was in in battle with a 58 yr old narcissist an hour ago from this moment. Desperate for an answer I ask youtube. You where the first video that came up. Your title was the exact wording that I tyoed in! Nodding my head and and exclaiming YES and by the end crying and just needing a hug. I am sitting in my car trying to gather myself. Your words were exactly and precisely what I needed to hear. Your right the best way is to leave thrm alone and not feed the drama they crave. I mean holy shit! This guy would not shut the F up! At meal time at lights out go to F asleep time and every single moment he was just running his mouth about everything amd nothing to anyone and everyone. I ignored him at every moment and he engaged me whenever I was around I continued to try to be as polite as I could that I was not interested in what he had to say until I had to be blunt with him and it did not go well. You know. Thank you again. You hit on the head which is what we want to do by the end of a narcissist encounter of the annoying kind. THANK YOU!!! I can't say it eniugh. Bless you and every thing in your life.
Melanie! I cannot thank you enough for making this video today, please know this! This is just what I needed to hear today. I literally was in my therapists ofc today discussing with her whether or not I should give into the voice in my head that has lately been toying with the idea of confronting various family members ("flying monkey" siblings of my covert narc mother) and though, she is really advising against it, I hadn't firmly made up my mind completely on this. I've always (and I'm in my mid 40's now) had this strong fighter in me that likes to stand up against injustice and so, it's that part of me that feels the temptation to "take them on" and call them out on their behavior. I'm just SO SO glad and grateful to you for doing this video today. The timing couldn't have been any better! THANK YOU and Happy Holidays to you!! ❤️✌️🎄
You are so honestly wise Melanie.When we get to the base of looking at the level of cruelty one can pour out on to us, and really resignate with this, we have to be real with ourselves, and free ourselves of such evil loveless arena, and take ourselves back to Love
Aww it's so true Angel. Love to you xoxox
I've been married to one for 11 years and I'm just now over the past week realizing what he really is. Smh I feel so stuck and so broken and have thought of taken my life so many times. I have 3 kids and if it wasn't for my 14 year old daughter coming to me the other day and saying "mom please hang in there, you're my best friend and I can't go on without you." I wouldn't be here today. I suffer from kidney disease and living like this is a struggle every day. I'm broken. Lost. I don't know what to do.
Hi Simply Tess, Please contact your local crisis team if you still have suicidal thoughts so they can help you. When you feel up to it, please consider connecting with my free resources to help you further www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and this video may help you, as you can follow along and shift some of the trauma trapped inside of you too blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-freeing-yourself-from-chronic-pain-and-disease/ Love to you and your children xoxox
I hope you're in a better place now, Simply Tess. I'm praying for your and your children's health and happiness. God give you strength and love. You may feel broken but you are a precious child of God and are blessed with 3 children who love you.
Isn’t it ridiculous that your narcissistic had to knock you down to feel like a powerful man, how embarrassing to him to be so childish and lacking integrity. You are so wonderful he didn’t want you to know you deserved a good man who does have authentic self and integrity!! That’s POWER!! Which you have Melanie!!!Amen!🙏
I called out my whole family from a far to give them a hope of helping themselves and also so the younger generation will also have a clue. It was not done for me at all.
I lived this - it came to me with clarity and understanding - thank you!
I am at the end of a 6?and half yr relationship.... I am letting go, been back too many times to remember how many.... I need to go in, as you say, I learned my core issues with him.. that's what gift I'm going to give myself this Christmas.... thanks again
Thank you for your videos, they really help to put narcissistic behaviour into perspective. I have just come out of a relationship with one. I didn't even know he was one until not long ago. Everything u said in one of ur videos described what I went through and how I felt. He's still trying to get back in my life though I am we'll aware that he is grooming some other girl for when he finally realises that I'm done! I was with him for 4 years. I gave him so much of me and my time. I am just coming out of the despair and feeling like I can't live without him now. For once in my life I can finally say that if he contacts me that I am strong enough to block or delete or walk away. I really feel for those who have been and going through this. I would one day like to help victims of narcissistic abuse like Urself. It's so debilitating. Can u please do a vid on how to deal with the rage and anger after a narcissistic relationship please. I just want to forgive him and move on. I am in the detaching stage right now. Like u said " heal heal heal" that is the approach that I took from the beginning. I never stalked or chased or anything like that, I don't have that in my personality. I cut him many times but he kept coming back and I took him back. Anyway, thankyou for being amazing and helpfu. U r one of my angels on earth. Xx
Aww thank you Jovana and great suggestion for a video, I'll add it to the list sweetheart. I would love you to connect to my free resources, if you haven't already, they are packed with helpful information, two free ebooks and an invitation to my free webinar so you can experience a healing for yourself and feel the relief ... www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse xoxox
This message is a blessing and gives me comfort in my decision to cut ties with my narcissistic sociopath ex husband. People have tried to make me feel bad about it because we have a child, but I believe more damage would be done opening back up to him.
You look RADIANT hon and as usual your on target ! I really enjoy your work, thank you
You are so welcome Maggie and thank you Sweetheart xoxox
You’re a genius! Consider my mind blown with this new way of thinking about this situation/self. 💖
THANK YOU LIFE SAVER....I AM BREAKING UP WITH ONE TODAY WISH ME LUCK
How did you go?
Wow!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT.. I’ve been putting so much focus and energy on proving to her she is a covert narcissist.. and yes she tried telling ME I should be on meds ... ( she suffers from bi- polar also and takes meds)... what a great video THANK YOU
I was addicted to narcissists - they conveniently appeared to hold up the mirror. So , as pathetic as they were, they demonstrated my own selfishness, lack of empathy, and irresponsibility -so I grew up and realized I had to stop chasing love, acceptance, and self worth from other people. Understanding and knowing that "attachment, projection and manipulation " are nothing more than self realizations yet to be dealt with through understanding are the tools for real growth. Once I accept my own self worth, and heal myself, I free myself. I wish you all the best of luck on your own walk to freedom :)
I did exactly the same - just told her she was playing her narcissistic game with me and i'm done. Thank you so much Darling, now I know i did a right thing.
The scary thing is Mel, my abuser DID actually respond that way. I handed him all the tools and language to make me believe that and almost developed a quantum ability to abuse me on the spiritual plane. He's proven that its fake but I've had to soul search to feel and embody my true self in order to really see the difference. I'd love it if you could do a video about this kind of spiritual narcissistic abuse, especially in regard to our desire to heal the narcissist and how they can use that to keep us in their prison reality. Much love to you x
There is a good video by Dr. Les Carter on the Surviving Narcissism Network on UA-cam about religious narcissists. He talks about people who think they speak for God so no one should disagree with them and say that they accept and welcome everyone but think there is something wrong with people who do not act and think like them because the others are wrong. They do not feel empathy for people who are different or show compassion or acceptance or love to different people and are very judgemental. He used the Church Lady on the old Saturday Night Lives shows as an example and talked about a former prostitute who wanted to join a church to get help from a new community but was not accepted by people who preached love but didn't show it.
It's so tempting to show your spouse a better way. To suggest that they might be happier if they..... It just doesn't work. This year I ignored that my Birthday was overlooked, Christmas was not celebrated or mentioned and our anniversary was yesterday. I did not take the bait any of these days that could have been spent differently with my spouse. I celebrated with
friends and family and basically did not make a big deal about anything. I know after 11 years saying anything about those events would be turned around on me being the person who caused the problem and it would end up being a terrible day. Its difficult to let the person that you care deeply for to sit in the corner by themselves. Its not my job to fix him.
I really let my brother have it.
Guess what?
He threw it all right back at me.
He placed his own behaviors on me.
Ugh.
He's a 56 year old bully.
You are so right.
I cant even tell you the size of the emotional hangover I got.
Great vid. I did the same. I was not hopeful it would work BUT I wanted him to know...I now know WHAT he is!
Melanie, I think this is the best video I've ever watched by you--and you've made plenty of great videos. But somehow, this one really hit me to the core, and you explained everything so well without leaving out any pertinent details. Thank you for this.
You are so welcome Peace Joy, my pleasure xoxox
Wow. You make it sound so simple. Yet so compelling. Should have seen this video a long time ago. Might have saved me tons of grief, anxiety and self doubt. Tried calling out the narc in my life. It only resulted in my agony, and rage. Leaving me more damaged and confused than before. Why did I expend energy on trying to change and fix the narc?
I call them trolls. funny thing about trolls. they don't know they are trolls.so you cant tell them they are trolls!!!
Excellent explanation on calling out the narcissist ... Have done the same with synonymous response... It is so good to hear that you are not alone
I learned the only way to deal with a narcissist is to NOT DEAL WITH A NARCISSIST. There is no way to get through to them. So move on and find another normal fucking human to interact with. Know from experience.
This is the first video or writing on the subject that gave a simple definition of "narcissistic supply". Its just attention. As for the subject, its spot on. I stop myself numerous times from unloading on the person who out of the blue ended our close friendship five months ago (best friends and "friends for life" by his frequently used definition) and cut off all contact. It would make zero difference to a user and a liar like him and make me feel worse. Best thing to do is play it cool and let it go. Get myself in a better mental position to decline his probable request for help down the road (and it most likely will come whether its in six months or several years).
They are so delusional if you try to express concerns or even show them literature from other sources to remain detached they will accuse you of being crazy and continue to avoid ant responsibility or therapy they will also probably just continue hurting others if you leave. It is hard to understand as an empathetic decent person but you can't keep hoping it will improve or make excuses for them they will hurt whomever they can for as long as they can and likely act as though they are the victims. Beware and get to safety.
Thank you Melanie, you prove one important thing to me; that there are beautiful women out here that love and tell the truth. Thank you!
You are very welcome Thomas. I'm so glad this helps and yes, there are many beautiful and authentic women. They are everywhere. Love and blessings xoxox