The Fastest, Easiest Test For Narcissism --- Up to date: "The Smiling No Test"
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- Опубліковано 13 лис 2017
- Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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0:00 Exploitativeness And Entitlement As The More Dangerous Traits Of A Narcissist
3:34 There Must Be An Invasion Of Your Boundary
7:49 The Fastest No Test
12:20 You Saying No Shouldn't Cause A Negative Emotional Reaction In Any Normal Person
14:25 Narcissists Will Frequently Covertly Coerce You Into Giving Way More Of Your Time And Attention Than They Deserve
18:49 Over Assumption Of Intimacy Is Also A Boundary Break
21:23 Wrapping Up
This is cool- I love how you break it down like this. Thank you! :)
The person does something heinous.
You call them out.
Then they ACT as the victims as a result of your calling them out on the heinous thing they did falsely claiming to be offended. Many Millennials do this daily as the norm
Where was this advise when I needed it? Thanks for your real insightful helpful life saving presentation
@GluttonousDragon did you miss that in English composition?
you know, ive found that narcissists tend to project their own failings as a personal attack to your person. I remember i gave a producer a chance to do his job and when he didnt pull through, i called him out saying he failed us again, and he lost his shit, granted i got mad and the discussion got heated, but i was already being insulted by the guy before that and this day he went the extra mile, all i did was say "we dont need you, please get out of my way" and he started telling my partner "yeah take him away" as to regain control of the situation?, anyways he later said that i was aggressive and was ready to fight, when i was the one who chose to stop and walk away while he kept yelling excuses and profanities at me(again i aint innocent, i took the bait and screamed at him too, but it was a long time coming if im being honest, i dont regret it, but i do wish id handled it better)
This is most helpful and excellent.
No one on this earth gets more angry than a narcissist being accused of doing something they absolutely did.
Absolutely true and well said.
Yup, and then they'll accuse you of doing the exact thing that they're doing.
One favorite test of mine is when one of them does something shitty and SAYS they did something shitty (as a way of fishing for you to disagree with them or placate/reassure them), I agree with them in a reasonable way. And I see the reaction.
This is true
It’s true and sad.
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, it's no big deal.
And if it is, it's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if it did... You deserved it."
@ Troy Gainey: Exactly. It's Always *"you"*; that's 'WRONG'/'FUCKED UP'/the BAD\MAL-ADAPT;-- it's never, **Ever** THEM!!👍✌!
Sounds like OJ Simpson. If I did it.
So true.
Awesome summary 💯👌
Unfortunately it goes just like that 😵
Exactly
Once you've detached and are basically watching from a sideline perspective, them giving you the silent treatment is fantastic.
Yes enjoy 😉
I'm days out of discarding my Narcissist and can't wait for the silent treatment after the Rage and Bad mouthing happens.
@@panheadbob2926 Might be time for you to give the silent treatment. It's not easy for rage and bashing with no feedback. It works to disconnect.
No kidding!! I'm in this phase now and he hasn't spoke to me in a few days. This the best few days I've had all week little does he know lol 😆
When you detach, detach all the way and you'll quickly see how they behave like babies.
My favorite thing to say to narcissists is, "whatever". Indifference bothers them more than rejection. A narcissists would rather be hated than ignored.
Doesn't that upset anyone, though?
Whatever@@Th3BigBoy
@@Th3BigBoy My thought too. If it's someone who cares about you, you showing indifference in return would make you looking like the narcisist... Or if you were the one at fault...
Better to simply say “okay”. Not exasperated or sarcastic, just okay. It is noncommittal and not agreement but simply acknowledgment that they said something and you have heard it. Just like a bully, they love to get you to rise to the bait.
I have fallen in the "whatever" trap and wow it's angry time. I couldn't figure this out until you just pointed it out. But to exit gracefully according to the other statement would be to say "okay"
Why did it take me 40 yrs to say to myself:
“You don’t HAVE to go to every fight you’re invited to”
Right
42yrs here hunni. Now we have our chips❤❤
Phat Girl I love it!
I got my eyes open after 20 years of marriage. Until then, I was convinced that's something is terribly wrong with me.
Because you are normal person
My then husband told me I was a push over and had to learn to stand up for myself. I started doing so where I needed it most.... standing up to him and his mother. He literally said, " I didn't mean at home!" That was when I realized how bad the relationship was.
Omg wow,glad you got away 🙏🏼💖🐻
Sounds so familiar!!
Stand up for your self😍, not with me damnit 😡
You are for the narc to exploit no one else
That means, he absolutely knew what damage he was doing to you. You were amazing and so strong to get away!
A narcissist hates to be told “No”
It’s a lovely little word.
if somebody tells me no without context the relationship is over because the other one is a heartless dominant narcissist. Stupid cryptic propaganda this dumba** "say no"
@@caprisonne4442🤔
So my boss is just a narcissist. Cool. Good.
@@caprisonne4442 [ All this victorious parading around about "trouncing the narcissist". I think people are becoming narcissistic by following the advice of therapists. If you say there is any flaw with their logic they call you a narcissist. ]
@@gethelp6271 I agree you do have a relatable point.
Your spot on about them not wanting to hear about others pain or suffering. Narcissists are so un-empathetic when it comes to others.
But they do care and want to listen when it can give them information and tools to use at a later date to hurt either you, or someone else
Narcissists don't feel empathy. They can put a facade on though to appear as if they care.
Facts
Yep, if I started talking with a narcissistic family member about a health issue, he immediately cut me off by saying “I think that’s what I have” and continued talking about himself and how my issue resonated with him whilst never giving me the chance to finish what I had to say. I went no contact with him years ago.
@@susanlisson7066my ex exactly ..
When someone shows you who they are, believe them... don't second guess it, don't delay it thinking they will get better. They won't. Period.
People need to learn to Listen to that little voice that seems (to me) to get quieter the older we get and the more we mistrust our own minds
That’s such a great quote! Remember the end of it: Maya Angelou said “the first time”. I had forgotten that until I looked up the quote a few days ago to refresh my memory. Believe them THE FIRST TIME they show you who they are. I, once again, gave someone the benefit of the doubt and did not believe them “the first time” they acted in a way and showed me who they are. It’s such a typical response for a narc to treat you bad, then, when you disconnect from them, they are grasping for straws to get you back and they’re wondering “Oh what did I do?” when, in fact, they know what they do/did.
When you know, you go
I learned that the hard way!
Agreed. Huge issue when that person is your elderly mother. ....
And brother. And sister.
I think about suicide daily just to not deal with then anymore.
I took care of my ex-boyfriend during his cancer treatment. Then he tore his Achilles tendon and I turned into the helper climbing stairs in his 4 story house to fetch items, cleaning and cooking. Then I was sick and asked for water and some soup. He brought me water from the bathroom in his cup he used to rinse after brushing. I would say, Don't devote yourself to someone for a long time without asking for a simple favor to see how they re-act. Don't think you are a narcisist if you get emotional when you given so much and you ask for a favor and your partner says, don't make your problems mine. Make sure the relationship is balanced with giving and taking from the start so you don't feel used.
I learned this recently after several years of taking care of him whenever he was ill surgery's, bad days, doting on him. I got covid, and he wouldn't even get me a glass of cold water, constant blame that it's my fault I got sick and maybe I'm not as sick as I'm pretending to be. And never getting checked on.
@@vp8632I'm so glad to be away from him. I finally learned to notice friends that do the same thing. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. Being a giver all the time will backfire. ❤️
Exactly the compassion isn’t returned.i did that and cared for 3 months after the thing had an accident. In that time I was abused but made exceptions as he had a small brain injury . But he was also cheating at the same time while milking my care . Then I got sick after I finally after too many breakups he’d keep wearing me down until the end happen by a family member going toxic in him . Save yourself . I don’t throw your pearls to pigs so says the bible . We are alive and that is a miracle .
100%!!!! Lol I found this out the hard way
@@liabeachy "the thing"... Wow... That's brilliant. It's good to put a fitting name on it. It helps sooooo much to de-personalize it. It isn't quite fully human and, for me, this realization (as gut-wrenching as it was) was the linchpin for my resurrection. This was HUGE. 25 years married, with at least 14 years of (now) identifiable/documented incremental identify erosion (it is so subtle). Gut-wrenching, but absolutely necessary, realisation. Our son and daughter are 16.... it's nearly impossible to find mental health professionals who are aware of pathological parenting or who are willing/open to learning about it. Lord have mercy on me and my children (and you, as well). God heal, bless, restore and PROTECT us.
I could never see the manipulation and entitlement until I was able to split from the narcissist. Now I can’t unsee it.
It’s healthy to sometimes tell someone NO, even if you want to say YES, it sends a clear message that you have choices.
I think it's unhealthy to lie about your true opinion. If you want to say yes, say yes. Don't say no just to "send a message". If you have a message to send just tell them that message.
This double game playing and alternative intentions from people has ruined so many relationships, it's just a form of manipulation.
So you're basically saying that you just play games and try to manipulate people to test them or something similar. You need to go take a look in a mirror...
no it's not
They like to accuse and condemn others of the same things they're doing wrong.
So true!!!
called manipulation
Kim Dalessandro YESSSS!!! Exactly!! That always made my head spin!! He'd write bad checks or not pay bills that were due but if anyone wrote HIM a bad check? If anyone slacked on HIM not paying him on time? Good gracious....rage.
Narcs like to accuse their partner of things they are doing.
Correct. It's called PROJECTION.
I got in trouble with my family for calling my mom a narcissist on UA-cam.I’m going no contact.I’m 58.I don’t want to take care of my family’s mental health anymore.I’ve been doing it since I was 4.I don’t know how much time I have on Earth to live my own life. I’m finished being everyone’s mental health counselor!
Called her a narcissist on UA-cam using your real name in the video, so she is embarrassed in front of people who know her? Not nice, regardless of whether she is a narcissist or not.
Yes Molly, yes❤
I'm going through this right now!
Best wishes to you!
Yes, do detach and decicate your time and energy to you. Live your life the best you can, you are right life goes by fast.
I ve struggeled with similar problems but i paid hard money for my own healing in therapy and they didn't want to invest for themselves. I began to say when they come with their drama that therapy is also an option. I am not listening anymore. Then they bring all the old stuff from childhood and I have to say no not anymore. I've done my work, go do yours i don't care anymore. Saying no never felt so good. Lots of blessings to you 🙏❤️✨
@@vornamenachname9820 Nice little demonstration of victim blaming there.
@@juliesims1296 no it isn’t at all
It's actually scary how many narcissistic people I grew up with especially in my family, this world is crazy I had to cut off a lot of people to protect my own sanity but I'm glad I did.
Its actually heriditary
Don't know and don't care. Have you ever heard the saying, "what other people think of you is none of your business"? People are complex and we won't all agree with each other, all I know is the people I reach out to respond and have a good relationship with me so that's all that matters.@@halibux6683
i'm starting to think that everybody is a narcissist
We're definitely becoming more disconnected. Technology is taking over, people would rather stare at screens allay then interact with real people@@tensevo
Narcissistic parents seem to create a few narcissistic kids, which unfortunately means if you aren't one you end up surrounded and have to cut a lot of people out of your life
I love the part where you said "beyond a certain point it's not about them anymore, it's about you, that's what's essential to your healing" Very important to shift that focus, thank you very much
They hurt you and get mad at you for feeling hurt and upset like it’s your fault... 🤬🤬
Yes have had that.
Well kind of, In my experience they show that smug smile/satisfaction when they manage to hurt you.
imagine being born as a soldier in the middle of a war, and you are expected to deal with life as a soldier, not emotions allowed or you get beaten..etc
certainly, you will get used to it and define as normal and expect others to do so as well.
it's like a circle of life:
a child gets hurt so bad that he becomes a psycho or a narc, then he hurts another and gives them whatever trauma, and then that traumatized person raise kids, or that narc or whatever raise kids in a harsh environment or rape other's child..etc the cycle continues on.
when will this cycle end?
when you start actually caring about those fukin children and not hate them since their youth.
I can't describe how much hate I was treated with by everyone during my childhood till my adolescence, just because I was acting in a way I wasn't aware of.
get raped, abused, bullied, and neglected for your whole childhood and adding to that you are not allowed to cry or laugh or you get beaten the shit out of you. and then tell me, if you would have made the same actions or not.
but let's be honest here, everyone lacks empathy and even sympathy in a way or another. no one understands, and no one is even trying to understand. in the end, you are the one who CHOSE to be with that type of people, so the blame is on you. birds of a feather flock together.
if you liked a narc or a psycho, then certainly there's a problem in you or in your mind, ask any psychologist about that, they would agree. ( in a nice indirect way)
people got what they didn't deserve so they give others what they didn't deserve. makes sense for me.
@@vajrayana4504 Yes I've seen that kind of smile when he told me...well we are only friends, I thought you knew that. The next night he phoned to say he didn't mean it and it must never be mentioned again!! Brain Scrambler!!
Omar Omax not many people will appreciate what you wrote, but I truly understand and appreciate the breadth of what you’re saying: the abusers who were themselves abused need compassion and understanding in a world that has very little tolerance for the abused who don’t know/can’t act any different without the therapy of self compassion and pure unadulterated love- seeing past their faults to see their need. Sociopaths exists because their world shunned their light and very essence. If we can love children for their essence- even aggressive disposition, it makes for a more superior society-> a more superior world. Unfortunately, there are people who are dangerous no matter how loved and nurtured they were-> psychopaths. Those are the type others should watch out for.
My counselor once told me: "If you really want to get to know someone, Tell them, No!" ~ Mr. Terry
💖🙏💕
Yes!!
This is different though somebody tells you they are going to buy you a car then say wait now I changed my mind. No car for you. That was my husband. That hurt me and upset me. It’s future faking. I don’t think that counts.
So true. When I was a dating one man I told him no about something and he turned into a creep. A side that I never saw but thankful I did.
I said "no" to a request and was abandoned on Thanksgiving. Literally, he said I was on my own. And the time I expressed my frustration with him I learned what crocodile tears are.
simple and true!
When I left my ex I told him in ten years of marriage he’s never truly apologized, everything was always my fault. The level of resentment and invalidation that I felt was beyond words. I genuinely don’t even think he knew it was wrong but real love will always seek to support and validate you and try to understand you. Toxic people have little self awareness. I have trauma myself, but it really comes down to treating people with respect.
I'm there right now. He always turns it into my fault somehow. I am stuck though, no family, friends gone. I don't know what to do.
@Revolution_Now. Sorry to hear! Step 1 is to know the tricks. Read up!
“Toxic people have no self awareness” spot on
My 3daughters and SIL. They cannot and will not listen to your feelings. NEVER. They always turn it on you. And, I listen to the youngest and she says what she has against me and I apologize and say I will never do whatever again and that isn't enough, it is YOU will ALWAYS be this way. Ok. Middle daughter is a vicious narc and has no way to hide it now that she has a TBI. She wants to destroy us, especially me. After we disengaged with her she still stalks my FB page and when I posted about narcs, she and only she put a mocking laugh emoji. The others just play the accusation and blame game calling me the narc. Whatever. The fruit tells the story.
Toxic people have total self awareness. They are all about pretense and deceit. Don't fall for it. Also, while it is useful to learn about NPD and all, it should be studied in conjunction with evil. Often pathologising leads to us getting further confused and losing sight of the elephant in the room, "evil".
Thank you for making the distinction between being bothered by the lack of empathy in the word and being personally obsessed with receiving empathy while giving none to others. I’m tired of narcissists seeing me as an endless source of empathy and then being accused of being an ice queen when I stop playing along. When you love someone what hurts them hurts you and their problems become your problems and vice versa but with a narcissist they give you full responsibility to shield them from the difficulties of life while caring nothing about what happens to you. They look like a soldier laying in Flanders field but they are actually and opium addict doing smack. Walk away and find a real fellow soldier and don’t look down on them when at times they are too weak to stand because they are human. Don’t worry if they are a real soldier they’ll get up again. Life is brutally hard on good people. It’s also really tough on idiots. I’m learning to discern the difference.
They also NEVER admit they are wrong.
They are always the victim not the vilian in their stories
@@steffaniemamawithapurpose7324 Do you?
Sometimes they do, to pretend they've changed and recognize their BS. They even seem to believe it. However, they do the same thing later on, in a slightly different way.
@@steffaniemamawithapurpose7324 Victim / perpetrator / rescuer = the 3 sides of the victim triangle, also called the drama triangle. What matters is to step out of it all.
stivendog - (Heidi here not Jaana)
and if an apology is there, it’s a quick “ok sorry” and if someone misses hearing it, that’s tough, they will not say it again...they’ll say “I said sorry” .... (this is a personal experience)
Narcissists don't like when you're happy, and they do judge and attack you, you feel like you're being bullied all the time.
PLEASE GO TO MY UA-cam CHANNEL IS
This is so true, they find some way to bring you down whether subtly or overtly. I think they actually believe that if they’re not happy in that moment then no one should be.
I actually left home thinking it was socially unacceptable to show outwards signs of being happy. I had so many shocks when I left home, do you know there are parents and children out there that communicate without shouting, threats and seem to like each other and just converse? Did you know you can just be pleased for someone when they tell you they've booked a vacation or got a promotion? You don't have to reply with a salty comment or backhanded compliment? I didn't.
exactly almost made me go crazy thank god i got away
@@Sh3ba5843
Run.
YES! My dad will not drop or leave an interaction until he receives his "emotional coin", I call it. I could be as neutral/logical/centered as I want, and the interaction for him is still about getting me to respond to his emotional level. Everything is always loaded with some form of judgement/shame/culpability. I still live with my parents at age 34, and it has at times been a harrowing/grueling path, with frequent/recurrent thoughts about what life or reality even is, and if I should try to... "exit", which of course I do not actually want, and do not wish for anyone else, but it gets extremely dark. Love you whoever is reading this. You are not alone. 💗
You Are 34!! You have suffered all these years. For Christ's Sake - leave home!!!! Xx
Here is a simple way to help ‘allow’ you to interact with a narcissist at work…I give them 5 one dollar bills and tell them that each time they want my attention, they have to give me a dollar, when their $5 is gone, they have to pay me $10 each time after that…when I first started doing this, they looked at me like I was nuts, but took the money, best $5 I ever spent😂😂😂.
Bahahahahaha, Kevin that is funny, thank you gor making me laugh bro 😂🙌💙🧡 have a great day!
@Maria Silva Maria, in my notifications, I see that you gave me a very sweet and kind reply, and even here the tab under my original comment, says a number of replies that suggests your response is underneath, but when I expand/open the replies, I cannot find your reply, nor do I find your account when I search. I wish I could find you to say, THANK YOU my dear. Love you 💗
Please leave. You owe them NOTHING. For your own peace of mind, your mental and physical well-being, leave! I implore you, you are a good person, go find your happiness. You deserve it so x
All of this stuff does such a number on one’s mind. Including questioning our own sanity and asking whether or not we ourselves are narcs. Cutting people off seems so unnatural, and it’s only harder the closer they are to us. This video clears up so much. Thank you!
So true and so sad.
Yes. Feeling this so much right now.
It's not unnatural for everybody to cut somebody off. It gets easier the more you do it. Please do not make a blanket statement like that. It's not hard for everyone. You just have to learn to have better boundaries. It gets easier the more you do it like I said. I'll share with you basically what I tell people who try to cross my boundaries. I tell them, respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. There is no negotiation on that.
@@babyhandgrenade4004 Ever considered maybe you’re a narc?
@jansonrawlings8169 probably as many times as anyone else? Ever consider they may have good healthy boundaries, and perhaps their need to cut people off is because they meet unhealthy people? Consider perhaps you are criticizing someone with no context and subtly calling them a narcissistic to dismiss something they are doing, which is having boundaries. You are dismissing them having boundaries, you know, like a narcissist, consider that.
Fake smiles always. They warn you in the beginning that they are a bad person. Believe them. Get away. No one says that.
Theresa Brewer fake smiles yes and when the smile disappears, oh boy...
Theresa Brewer yes they do my fiancée does this when I ask him if he’s cheating, he smirks it’s like he wants to laugh in my face but holds it back.
Theresa Brewer yes believe them I agree
Brooke Millie Omgosh girl get rid of him anyway you can. You deserve a good guy and you know it. He’s a turnoff. The sooner you get away the sooner you’ll heal the soooner you can find a good guy ! Wake up.
Brooke Millie you don’t like it now ? Imagine you have children and your worn out at night , and he’s going out with other women , and you KNOW , THIS , THIS OS AS GOOD NOW IT GETS , HE IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TO BITS NOW , IT CAN Only GETWORSE , GET OUT NOW ,! Do you want to live like this all your life ?
I notice with a heavy heart so many comment on feeling attacked when they are happy. The narc is not happy seeing us happy. I tried explaining this to friends and even therapists and they shrug it off. I think its well meaning, but whenever something good happens for me I get really scared and resort to freezing mode and isolation to avoid sabotage. Makes me cry to even think about that what they do is real and its not in my head. Hugs to all of you going through this!! We can only become stronger when the darkness comes to light.
I don't think anyone Who hasn't been through this can understand this. Also narcs are very aware of how vulnerable their victims are. If it makes you feel better - I punished my narc by letting him overfeed himself. Ha-ha bitch. Now I can laugh and laugh (on the inside)
I can confirm this.
My EXTREMELY narc ex used to find ways to bring me down the second I got happy or was doing something for myself (like trying to better myself by learning a new skill or gain knowledge).
Because they are such negative creatures, it's much harder for them to "feed" off positive emotions. They prefer negative ones. It's a lot tastier for them, people's suffering. They love it!
That's why they never like to see you happy and will do whatever they can to keep you miserable and depressed, as that puts you in the right vibration in order for them to feed from you.
Narcs are modern day vampires, but the feed off people's energy instead of blood....and they will do it until you are drained and dead if you are not careful.
They will feel no remorse for destroying a life.
Oh Sweetheart I feel your pain, for so long my narc had everyone believing i was loosing my mind and getting mean to the point that my own children were trying to get me to self commit, and he always cheated and I would catch him and he would always blame me!!!! He himself still needs to be institutionalized!!! It took hours of secretly recording him and finally one day my daughter called and i my ringer off and she got to here him cussing me, and even after all that i loved him and wouldn't leave, I still love a man that never existed!!!! And part of me always will, and if i ever date again, i would be looking for that mythical man in ever other man i dated! Because the man I fell in love with was second to only God!!! Thank you for listening!!!
My father could not allow anyone to have a good time. Or if he did, it was unusual...probably centered around when he was being a do-gooder, or he was eating. He was a troubled person who could not, would not, face himself. We had a beautiful home, food, good care medically...but we were not allowed to enjoy it. So sad.
@@TheMurlocKeeper spot on.
My mothers favourite phrase was shouted at me regularly "I'm not going to live my life around YOU!" It said everything really.
And as an adult you're not gonna live your life around her, that's the payback. What goes around comes around 👋
Yep. This is the one sure fire way I’ve been telling people for years.
Tell them “no” and watch how they respond. Not how they reply - because (especially covert) narcissists know how to control a conversation and won’t give themselves away immediately.
They can easily say that it’s “no big deal” and pretend they’re fine in the moment, but watch how they respond over the next few days. They will NOT be ok with it and they’ll find ways to make people regret saying no.
It’s perfect because it removes you from the equation. You’re not talking about the narc or trying to convince people to believe you or take your side. Just an invitation to tell the person “no” and watch what happens from there.
Yep, I tried several times to break it off with my ex. Every time I would tell him I was done and that I was leaving him, he would say you don't mean that. You're just mad. Calm down and you'll stop saying that. The problem was that I was stuck with him. I was 70 mi away from my hometown with no way to get home. It took a friend having to come get me for me to be able to leave him.
Here is a tip for everyone stuck in this situation, accept that they never actually intended to care about you at all. Then breaking your bond is easier - it is just a scam, narcissist's don't love or care for anyone. Especially not their partners and their children.
Expose them and get them fired too
Regard them when they speak as a scam call on the phone. You don't really know who they are and it's probably a lie to trick you into something you don't want to do
Damn that's really good advice. I always got stuck wondering where I went wrong with how I cared for them, but never considered the fact they never cared and had no intention to. Also I get these type of videos suggested so often I think UA-cam tries telling me I'm a narcissist haha
This is tough but correct advice
Some bonds and relationships are non consenting.
The homeless were put into large, I'm going with poor houses, during the pandemic. With the nurse ratchet class. They closed all the small groups and rehab places my friends ran.
No leaving, no walking away.
It has caused trauma and they are now harder to help.
Once I started watching all of these videos about Narcissism, my entire life made sense. And it was an enormous relief to know that I am not crazy! This explains why the lies, why the drama, why the gaslighting, why the punishment when ever I've said "No". Some of my experiences with my mother and my sister would curl your hair!
I understand completely. Exactly the same here. Took me 50 years to work it out after watching Richard. I love my mum but now I understand it I don't feed the avatar she has created of herself.
Me too
Same
It doesn’t hurt so bad. Its kinda sad though
My mother and sister too!!
Excellent description. I used to wonder why some people made me feel defensive and others made me totally drained and joyless! I now stay well clear and am much happier for it.
Ghosting my NPD siblings 25 years ago is the absolute best thing I’ve ever done for myself and my wife. I can’t imagine the drama that has gone on in my absence.
So sorry you have more than 1. 😢 Glad you got away.
I've done the same thing with my mother. She's still tries to Hoover me every now and again but I've let her know I'm not having it. Thank God my number is changing this month. I'm moving to a different carrier and no one who doesn't need my number is getting it.
@@crisl9079 I had to administer my father's estate after he switched executors at the last minute. Narc number 1 thought he was running the whole show until the Ol Man's lawyer opened up the safe and announced the news. Talk about butthurt.
I used to tick a lot of boxes for cluster b's. I investigated my childhood and found trauma. Put 2 and 2 together, got 4, and started working on myself relentlessly. Kicked my narcissistic traits out of the door. Learned to apologise and mean it, developed empathy, I still have a nasty streak but it's like a muzzled beast- I will only let it out if I find myself in actual danger. I think the reason I was able to take control of myself and my behaviours is due to actually being raised well- the trauma that started me on the road of cluster b was purely accidental, and the perpetrator took responsibility and was even brave enough to admit their mistakes (which is good because without that info I would have continued to think I was just born evil). I believe that sooooooo many cluster b people have a sneaky trauma in the newborn phase of life. The hard part involved in "fixing" someone who is cluster b is this: NOTHING except for their own realisations will prompt them to get help/take control of themselves, and cluster b brain wiring is super sneaky. Cluster b's literally cannot see that their behaviours are toxic-trust me on that! It's weird being on the other side of it, when I think back to how I was, it mortifies me. I might get hate for this comment as I've essentially admitted to being a narc in the past but if those of us who fought hard to become something other than a disorder stay quiet about it, then how will others learn they can do the same? The key thing that set my realisation off was that people were always having the same reaction to my bullshit, and as an observant person, I had to accept that it was MY fault, not theirs. That was the turning point tgat started me off investigating. Sorry for the wall! You can say no to reading it and I won't flip a table 😁 (anymore!). Seriously though, if you read the whole thing then thank you. 💜 (If you are a narc or cluster b reading this then know this: not getting mad when people don't conform to what you want can actually be pretty liberating, drop that need for control as it will only hurt you, others, and leave you lonely and empty).
Congratulations 👏 I believe you and you are lucky because this people are empty and will never be happy
I got mad respect for you
Thanks for sharing, its great that your consciousness is awakening, well done ! Although, traumas dont cause narcissism, its actually facing few challenges in early life and over praise from family that does cause narcissism. All empaths have faced a great amount of traumas early on and never turned into narcs. There is studies about it also. Take care :)
A rare breath of fresh air on the net to see someone share as you have.
I had narc traits, but they were either minimal or kept subdued due to my other disorders (primarily severe low self esteem). Before I understood what Narcissism is, I resolved mine in my early 30's...like you, becoming aware of my negative traits and consciously choosing to resolve them.
I'm now reaching 60, and my self-development\healing journey began in my early 20's when I became keenly aware I knew so little about myself. The bulk of my success was during my 30-40's.
I've fully resolved my narc traits, a severe anxiety disorder and inferiority complex, two types of depression (Endogenous and Major), and suicidal thoughts since I was a child.
( some may see they're all interconnected)
I did this by developing my self awareness, introspection and reducing shame and guilt ( not being dysfunctionally controlled by them) for being imperfect, and having the courage and honesty to acknowledge my imperfections and actually do something about them.
It was a long journey, thus many positive character traits were employed, either discovered or learned, then developed...because the journey inward to resolve one's soul issues is not an easy task, but immeasurably rewarding when you finally resolve one.
Congrats..and much appreciated for sharing.
Respect 💪
When I didn’t behave the way my ex wanted me to he said to me “just imagine what I’m going to tell my next girlfriend about you!” And my response was “I don’t give a shit what lies you tell your next victim”. The shock was visible and epic! Totally threw him off and I got a great laugh. I had no idea that he was a narcissist at the time.
Well said
Damn! Did you break up then?!
🤦🤦🤦
mine did the classic 'no one will want you' news flash, that's not true at all
All my ex-husband's "ex's were all "crazy" according to him. When he said this I pointed out that he was the common denominator!
The "I reach my straw across the room" impression was excellent. Thank you for that.
This has always worked for me; Letting them know that they upset you for x,y, or x… and ask them if they could apologize.
The narcissist literally CAN’T do it. You will watch them fall apart, get angry, or even blame you. What I usually end up with is, “I’ll apologize if you do it first.“ Super childish behavior!
If someone treats you badly, that’s enough of a justification for you to avoid them before you become more deeply involved.
Would deeply involved include 2 weeks before a large wedding? After a 3 year courtship and then a 3 year engagement we were finally getting married in 2 weeks, huge wedding, deposits on everything, invitations and rsvp received. But wait! Suddenly I’m asked to dinner with him and .... a lawyer?? Here came the surprise of a prenup maneuver! I got up and walked out. He followed and after my tears and refusal, we set it aside and got married with no prenup. How I wish I had just had run away and canceled everything. Anyone who would treat someone so badly ... has plenty more where that came from.
@@TheQueensWish A person should talk about things like prenups long before marriage. But without more in context I will say a prenup in and of itself is not abuse. Yeah it's underhanded to just spring it last minute but I would not call it abuse. Such things are long term, deep and hurtful.
@@mechasentai Underhanded as you described it. There have been many more episodes just like this one. Always stacking the deck and cutting the cards to their favor. Run from these people. This is no way to live. The struggle is real when you realize the cold calculations and manipulations you have traversed. You often wonder what a real, loving marriage would be like. If that exists.
@@TheQueensWish for what it's worth. I am sorry this happened to you. And I do wish you (whoever you may be) the best, honestly. :)
I totally agree with you , the longer your under a narcissist thumb the more they destroy you!! Get the hell away from them, and don't ever see them again even if you have to move to a new town. 😇😇😇🗝️💪
A simple test to see if a person is a narcissist is to ask them to go to therapy. A true narcissist thinks they know more and are better then any therapist. In my experience, the only time you’ll ever see a narcissistic cry is when they’re trying to manipulate you to get what they want. They don’t cry when they see you hurt, suffering or in pain. It actually makes them feel better about themselves. It’s so sick.
My narc was a therapist !
@@chadqudrot7525 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Yup my ex really threw me off with his crying. I always fell for it. I noticed though one day that his tears would just suddenly stop and have an angry look in his eye. I must have said seething that he didn't like so he just stopped all crocodile tears. It's hard to 3wpkain but that is the best way I can describe that behavior. Like it was a show. I realized it was his way of me feeling sorry for him... Manipulate me a tool
My narcissist actually wrote in his journal that he liked to make other people suffer. He also admitted to raging 'because I get what I want.'
As a man I have experience a guy at work like this .. it is painful
Crazy town
He always like to say “ watch me make them (whoever) look dumb .
I have literally been told that I was 'not as good as I had promised' multiple times! This is actually one of the aspects I overlooked as I was recovering from dysfunctional relationships, thinking it was just one of my traits. I have been anxiously waiting for the 'point of dissappointment' in close to all of the friendships I had built ever since. Thanks for clearing that one up!
But to your credit. NO is exactly what you say. Sooner the better.
Your a great thinker Richard
Another way to figure out if somebody is a narcissist is if they address you about something in a rude way and you are intentionally just as rude right back. A normal person might back off and be genuinely humble and polite next time you interact with them… but a narcissistic might back off but subsequently continue to come at you with crap, it’s like they never get tired of causing conflict.
I've don't this. And been accused of mocking them. I said "I'm showing you what you did by doing it back to you"
right u r...they never stop they never change..they r exahusting..i noticed always sum wierdo competition going on that i hadnt even entered🤔..narc mirrored me and as soon as i began 2 feel my authenticity was being stole... i told the narc to get thier own identity and quit copying mine..i told the narc he was creepy and had no personality of his own..if he hung with a redneck he returned sounding like a redneck..if he hung with a native he returned sounding like that native...it was disturbing 4 sure
If you clap back they'll be so rattled they'll just start the smear campaign right then and there.
My narcissistic bf will come at me with anger and talk down to me and if I respond to him the same way he speaks to me he literally tells me not to talk at him like that and then says I'm the problem! Absolutely delusional.
Yes, they never get tired of conflict
Both of my parents and both of my husbands were narcissists. I just left a narc in the love bombing stage because of his response to my no. Thank you for changing my future.
C Mac We're living the same life.
Your comment made me smile. Thank you for sharing.
Gives me hope.
When both parents are narcissists they obviously train children how to be great supply and so YES it then becomes a YOU problem to not become good supply to future narcissists!!! Undoing codependency isn’t for the weak.
Honestly good for you for leaving so early !
I disagree with just flatly, bluntly telling someone "no". There is nothing wrong with telling someone no, you should be able to say no, but in most circumstances there is a nicer way to say it. Instead say " No, I'm sorry I can't help you move this weekend" A flat "no" is extremely rude if you are talking to someone that is a friend or someone that you care about. At least that's how I see it. I have never seen a single person respond well to hearing a flat "no" in either a narcissist or a healthy individual. Obviously, if they respond aggressively or attack you then you might be dealing with a narcissistic individual or at the very least a toxic individual. Someone being a little hurt or taken back by your blunt response is normal. If the person is very intuitive they may also pick up on the fact that you are trying to provoke a reaction and that may also cause problems with a healthy individual. Just posting this in case it helps. :)
Holy cow the bordline empathy stuff hit home hard. Yes having someonw constantly tell you that you lack empathy while youre constantly walking on eggshells and trying to read thier minds to keep them happy while they show absolutely no concern for your feelings is maddening.
You mean the BPD, borderline personality disorder part in the talk. Not "borderline thing."
As a Cognitive Neuroscientist who broke off an engagement with someone who I kept matched the descriptors of vulnerable narcissism and borderline (and her mom and twin sister as well), I can say that this was my favorite video that I've seen on this topic.
I'm a psychotherapist. I often listen to coaches and other non-clinicians for insights, and I'm always screening what they say for inaccuracies. This guy is spot on!
Unless well trained many clinicians know very little about this topic.
Yes!! Refreshingly so!!
Yes!!
I agree.
People like us who were exposed to prolongued abuse have built up a lot of experience with narcissism in a practical sense. When we study the topic it puts a zillion pieces of puzzle together. I think that is why some of us become rather good in making observations or assessements.
I like his order in his thinking and indeed he has a very tight grasp on the topic.
Living with a narcissist is just so exhausting , they drain every scrap of life from the partner , and leave them with little soul . Leave .
Rob every Flocking part of you! Always anticipating always rushing home knots in your stomach... going over each and every scenario of what he might say or do! Even if you tell the truth while you're late they do not believe it you were cheating!! Wanting to see receipts from the store so he could check the time I checked out! Going through all my personal belongings! Interrogation at 2 in the morning! Anything I wore I had camel toe! He said you look so much better without makeup I don't mind that you've gained weight you look great! He would bring me up and bring me down and when I asked him why his reply was so I can keep you in line!
Yeah, it will happen to me and my kids, we will be having a good time, having conversations just laughing and as soon as he walked in the room his energy was so heavy that it changed the whole atmosphere we had. He will start yelling telling us what to do just to stop that happy energy we had, always transmitting his bitterness and toxicity 🙄 they are never happy!!
@@yanetyyy6036 I had my niece for the summer he was so jealous that she was staying with me... we caught him spying on us through my bedroom window. He was even jealous of my dog! Jealousy is a huge characteristic in a narcissistic!
Win Rosie - For a long time I have noticed that too, I will spend time with the kids and he will want me sitting next to him🙄. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until a year ago, I’m glad I’m not falling for his toddler manipulations anymore!!
@@yanetyyy6036 are you going to do something and have it? I discard my narcissist and that makes it even worse. However, I cannot imagine if I was still with him I would not be doing the things that I'm doing now... I have a great support system of women my age I am an artist and a hairdresser... among other things. Even when I was happy I had to fake being sad... and if I did show happiness he would ask me, why are you so happy are you f****** someone else! I've never been with someone that has been a narcissist however, when I met him I was not in a good place in my life... he would call me the girl with the golden heart! Oh isn't that so sweet, no one ever called me that! I still have not dated seriously...Since he's Been Gone... I feel a lot of women Rush right back into another relationship instead of getting to know themselves and educating themselves so they do not make the same mistake again! And if you do get in another relationship please do not talk about the narcissist and what he did to you... especially in the beginning!
"No, no you're in a game silly." 💯 24 years later I finally figured this out 😔
I started me own healing saga January of 2023. As I learned about the behaviors of a narcissist, I kept panicking that I am a narc too! I know I’m not, but to this day I have that question. Argh!
Keep up your good work people! There is light, just keep taking one step at a time and you will get there! Just look at Mr. Grannon! ❤
I just got rid off "friend "like that. I think test is: do you feel like they suck life out of you?
Omfg! I just felt fckn drained by one recently, the minute I cut away, i started feeling better. She's a Scorpio moon btw, thank you God for helping me dodge that bullet!
Yes! And they hate it when you are happy...they enjoy seeing you miserable.
mimi maliar
I had a narc who didnt suck the life out of me, but did actively qork not to fulfill me.
YASSSSS!!!!
Energy vampires are real. My mother was one and so was a so called stalker friend of mine
the more you talk about NPD, the more you realize that we are in an epedemic
absolutely. it's worrying me for real.
only it aint fake like this Covid bogus
Yeah, I'm pretty sure 60-80% of the world's population are narcissists.
Hahaha , true
@@xLionsxxSmithyx i wouldn't go that far, seems a lot.. but 20-30% minimum.. yes.I dunno. Many of us all have traits. Real narcissism (pathological) is smthg else..
My narcissistic sister never asks, she just barks demands at me.
I have nothing to do with her anymore. You can't be nice to narcissists.
As a person who's had a 13 year soul tie with someone diagnosed with NPD and APD, I resonate with this video more than I can express. Thank you so, so much.
"I didn't even know I was in a game! I thought I was in a relationship! No, no, you're in a game silly."
Yep!
Perfectly put! That's why you're never truly at ease when you're enmeshed in it . . .
Mine actually said it was a chess game
My narc said he doesn't do games... What he ment he doesn't want ME to do games, because he was doing games all the time...
@@lidiaolejnik4723 you're still with them?
@@texastea5686 yeah 😑
”I thought I was in a relationship! No, no... You're in a game, silly!” ohhh - so good!!!!
flippityflam you were in an exchange or transaction
I actually said this to my ex recently saying "I'm not replying any further and I'm not a game for you to play with or to feed your ego" He's not replied since 😊
true story! ultimate mindfuck!
Omg I feel this, so true.
Yes or a nightmare.
Gotta thank YOU for your time and attention Richard. That was AMAZING!! (you must be exhausted but I believe you have just helped many. many people, not least myself) x
When you mentioned the example about sharing a personal information about your family and they use that little information it hit home to me. Most of the things you said in this video I experienced from my in-laws - the constant need for my attention, the drama, the feeling of feeling invaded, violated. I was confused for a long time and been blaming, doubting, beating myself up for the things they do to me thinking they were all my fault. When I started looking for answers, I little by little unfolded and discovered what it is really I have been going through.
I was told I don’t show compassion when they were the ones who invaded my space, criticising everything that I do, taking offence because I refused to do what they asked me to do. Used my husband to hurt and disrespect me and they deliberately showed me that he is on their side
Entitlement is definitely a trait of narcissism. So is exploitativeness.
as well projection and lying
And lack of Empathy. The Three Es
Isochest yes
Capitalism is narcissistic
@@joeldwest capitalism more of a form of socialism that embodies the ideology of rugged individualism that promotes cutthroat competition in a dog eat dog rat race.
But when it is well regulated, it is the best system of sovereignty in a modern day collective society.
I’ve been single now, for 4 years. On purpose. I’ve been married to the personality issues people you described, and found myself attracting them. Being single is ok. It’s calm. Yes, so quite calm, and ver peaceful. I lost all my savings.the three men I let into my life bleed me dry. I’m 60 next year. I have no idea what my future holds. But ,…I’m free of the strange arguments, the strange rationale that’s me always to blame. I hope for the best. Maybe , next year I’ll update you. I’m scarred worried by you know what? ,..I’m past caring. I survived my ex plus 2 other ass o les. Wow. I’m ok. 😉👊😹🤦🏼♀️
Same
Me too except I am a man and she hated the word no. My money was her money and her money was her money. Glad she is gone, she tried to buy the house across the street but didn’t have the money. I would have had to sell my house to get away from her.
Stay strong. Focus on healing 😾😿😺...🥴🥺🙂
Hi ,I just read your comment ,my goodness it was perfect description of how I felt for a very long time. Yes the scarring will always be there and yes ridiculous scenarios will continue flash up ,from nowhere. All I know is you do get your real self back overtime ,and it's wonderful . I look back now and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be so squashed. I do hope you realise how strong you are ,and everyday is a great day .Sending great respect to you .
@@judepicton6252 "...and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be squashed."
This feeling is almost surreal. Like escaping the matrix or a cult.
I don't know how, but hopefully it will be illegal in the future to treat people like that.
There are many narcissists in my life, I myself feel like I have picked up narcissistic tendencies. This video must be very difficult for you to make, I am absolutely impressed with your fortitude. Thank you for the information.
Same here. My mother is overtly narcissistic. I have empathy and all the things I’ve had to test in myself to determine that I am not one myself, however, I absolutely picked up some of her traits through proximity and being raised by her. Looking back, it was much worse as a child and teenager. My older brother took her traits the most, my sister the least. Sickness breeds sickness. It makes me sad for all involved and very concerned with not passing these traits any further onto my own children.
I love that you are emphasizing that most of us are not qualified to diagnose... to KNOW someone is this or that. And that even a professional has difficulty diagnosing. I fully agree with the 'no' thing too!
Bingo!!!! The moment I told my mother NO.. I became her worst enemy. . I was 30 years old!!!
Ur literally speaking my words...
Just saying, I never realized how STEREOTYPICAL my life has been...Sad that family disfuntion is understood and has affected so many without prejudice or a 2nd glance. I'm just scared after listening and searching....I think i am or was Or may still b part Narcissist..I sound as bat shit crazy as I think she sounds. But I stopped arguing and she has spun outta control drinking and so on...I worry
SilverAspen1
Glad to mustered all the courage to do that!
@@caroljeanfrank8579 I doubt you could be Narcissistic because you wouldn't care. It would be someone else's fault
Yup at about 33 I started to come to the realization I'm crazy but now I see...it was her
And now turns my child against me? Lies in court, wrote the judge a letter attesting to said crap and she didn't show up for court yet her letter got me 3 visits a wk down to 1 by court order, well The orders out the window bc if i say or do anything my child gets drug into the adult drama. So talk about stuck between a rock ends hard place...
I was 37 - Mother wouldn't engage and father told me, literally, "Well fuck off then."
Talking about themselves for *hours*.
RUN from them - don't walk - don't reconsider the conversation - RUN!
Spot on!
And feel the need to give you a play by play of every little thing they have done, are doing, will do and act as if it’s the most important thing in the world and expect you to hang on every word.🙄
@@crisl9079so let’s say we meet for the first time and you mention your hobby. I am interested so I ask questions and you keep answering them, you go into details and long explanations.
Me: OMG A NARCISSIST! He keeps talking about himself run!
I interacted with one too many narcissists and it is true that they talk about themselves a lot, but so do lonely people who have no friends so since they do not interact with others they can only speak about themselves.
You need more than this “test” to figure out who has NPD and who does not.
@@roberth4395indeed
@@roberth4395 *In harmony with your comment, I suggest that a great many "traits" attributed to narcissists can be generally found to one degree or another, more or less among 60 of the people I have interacted with in life.*
*Now, I don't have the answer, but is it possible that there should be some minimum percentage of the traits that need to be practiced, along with a minimum intensity and frequency of those traits need to be displayed before labelling someone a "narcissistic"? Otherwise, it's subject and frankly it seems narcissism is more of a spectrum than a binary mental state.*
This is one of the best breakdowns of it I have ever seen thus far... And being a victim of a dark triad type personality who really had a substantial effect on my whole life, it caused me to be to be nearly obsessive in the amount I was searching for answers I never got from my abuser.. so I have watched, read, studied, observed, tested, validated endless data and resources on the topic and just something about this video it lays it out in such a well defined understanding of the whole entire topic and makes me wish I watched this years ago...
Phenomenal work. You really know your stuff and you've gained a new fan without a doubt.
Thanks for this. 🙏🏻
When I was a kid, my mother and stepfather created an environment where I could only get my needs met by eliciting extreme sympathy from my mother. It was a form of learned helplessness. It fucked my life up royaly. My self image was in the shitter, but I didn't even know it because I was so locked in "get sympathy survival mode". I was basically a begger. I don't know if I was narcissistic or borderline or just cluster b-ish. Grannon's videos help me see the narcissistic tendencies in myself but also in the people I was surrounding myself with. Acknowledgement was the key to change. Once I could see the problem, I could finally fix it. Five years later, I'm self-sufficient and stable and no longer have codependent traits. My only complaint is that life's a little boring when you're stable... but that's one of the reasons we chose to have kids and raise a family.
It took me 45 years to realize that my natural exuberance made my mother furious, and start cutting me down until I got super upset and cried. Now when I see her, (rarely), I just act depressed and hardly speak, and she is so nice. It makes me laugh so hard to see her not get to play her little games. LOL
Wow you opened my eyes. Cheers
Yes, you are correct! The weak, sad, helpless, you/we seem, the more calm they are because they now feel stronger than us.
Same. Narcissists secretly don't want others to be happy
Gotta try this at the next family gathering 😆
I did the same my whole life but I didn't know I was doing it. I pretended to be sad in front of my mother just to make her feel good cause whenever I felt good with myself she got angry at me. Finally I got tired of belittling myself for her amusement. Now I'm a grown up and she's about to retire she's not able of doing the same things as when she was younger. She used to try to convince others she was prettier and slimmer than me, but now she can't do that anymore cause she's old.
I love how everyone here knows a Narcissist, but no one admits to being here because sometimes they wonder about themselves. I sometimes wonder if I have narcissistic traits.
We all do, we are all traumatised in some way, but some of us become conscious of our stuff and want to heal, if we are brought up by a narcissistic parent then we do pick up their traits, but we don't have to hurt or manipulate others with them.
Doeray anybody steps on a box of kittens in front of me, I’m gonna turn into a psychopath murderer in about 3 seconds . So what does that say? If I have a psychopathic reaction to a narcissistic action like stomping a box of kittens, what does that make me? This is why mental health is MENTAL
Benjée It says you’re a caring person. Any healthy individual would get upset to see someone hurting a helpless thing for absolutely no reason. Unless, of course, you’re serious about ACTUALLY murdering them lol. Kick their ass, yes. Kill them...then you’re just BOTH really fucked up.
You have narc traits of you think you do. I have them. My wife does too. But Jesus helps us.way more than a therapist could.
Jen K it’s not the fact that murder would first come to mind, I just feel like I couldn’t stop beating them if I saw kittens being harmed by someone. Mental health is absolutely insane, no pun intended .
AFTER 23 YEARS OF LIVING WITH AND KNOWING A PARTICULAR PERSON .YES I CAN SAY I F--KING KNOW . THANK YOU RICHARD ,
Thank you for taking the time to share this. It was totally spot on.
thumbs up just for the "I didn't even realize I'm in a game, I thought I'm in a relationship! No silly, you're in a game" part. So true.
A game where they dont care if they win, as long as you lose.
@@lisasommerlad1337aptly put
So many times I’ve told my husband “we’re not going to battle against each other in a war. We’re in a relationship!” That was before I realized he was narcissistic and now it all makes sense.
My narcissist is the best game player I ever met. Not just the mind game. All games! It’s crazy weird being in a competition instead of a relationSHIT!
“I hate playing games.” He said.
my favorite response to narcs:
If you say so. 😀
youre free to believe what you want.
And then watching them slowly giving you the stare, which i describe as "she was multiplying 5486.69x7859.98 in her head!"
I love that, I am going to use that response. Have been going through mental torture with mine and he is never wrong.
@@ukfetishblonde Good job👍 Dont believe anything. Dont believe no one. Dont believe me😀
Question evetything! Only trust yourself and your truth.👊
God bless
@@etienneforget6502 Thank you Etienne Forget for replying to my comment, sound advice, I want to believe too much. Every happiness to you.
@@ukfetishblonde I have dealt with lying narcs all my life. And from experience I have learn to trust my instinct because not once when I had a doubt in my heart about something or someone that in the end that doubt was right.
Listen and follow your heart and trust yourself❤
God bless
Can I just say SIR thank you again! You are a wonderful healer teacher and friend to all of us who extremely benefit from your discussions and your wonderful time that you spend providing for others....
I have been in a horribly abusive relationship physically emotionally psychologically for 3 years. I checked into three different domestic violence women shelters and went to numerous counselors for help trying to explain what I was going through the helplessness the corrosion of the soul the hopelessness and that insane mania... Just recently I drove from California to Vermont to get away from this relationship and join my son I found you on the drive. And listen to you almost the entire time across country for 5 days. You have given me more help more hope than any of the women shelters and any of the therapist or self-help books. Im internally grateful to you and I cannot express enough how much I sincerely wholeheartedly appreciate YOU good man!
I'm so glad this video came up again. Because I can see where I responded to it three years ago. I am seeing it played out by the letter right now with someone in my neighborhood. The clarity and the explanation in this video is shining a bright light on this situation. The person I am speaking of will paint a picture of me around the neighborhood that fits her perspective.
Yet, she and I are not joined at the hip and I am nothing like her. As victims of people like this, we can see the danger playing out. And yes I use the word danger. They not only like to glue themselves to you. But they also like to paint the picture that you are also glued to them. I don't stick to anybody.
Nailed it. That's pretty much the first red flag--an inability and refusal to acknowledge, let alone honor, another person's time, space, decisions, and life. Healthy boundaries will change your life, friends, and save your sanity.
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...the list is endless but what about your knowledge of Spartan life coach and his friend Sam vaknin you comment on the video but really your feeding a narc
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...... next time you copy and paste a reply try the Bible I won't read that either.
now piss off crazy one who defends the crazy narcs . whilst pretending to educate us ha ha
Monique Amado - Artist & Life Coach Very well stated. Couldn't agree more!
Monique Amado - Artist & Life Coach Well said ! 😁
Flower Petal many, unfortunately, go through life, undiagnosed - effectively, affecting other people ...:(
My mother had definite narcissistic traits. I remember the 'push/pull' parenting when I was small, the difference in treatment when my very passive dad was at work 12 hours a day compared to when he was home, she dragged me up to my room at 10 and started packing a suitcase threatening to send me to boarding school for some perceived transgression, and the last straw was when she went to hit me (of the many, many times) when I was about 13....I put my hand up to defend myself and she told my father that 'Your son tried to hit me' as soon as he walked through the door. I hated her, and she left me with a trauma that affected my relationships throughout my life. Those are just what stuck with me the most. I loved my Dad, but was sad that she outlived him as it stood in the way of me trying to have a relationship with him.
She would pout like a child when not getting her way, and imho, was the curse my father married. He would have had a considerably better life without her, and she had the nerve to question why after age 19 I visited twice in 25 years.
This is amazing. I really want to say a HUGE thanks for including the variants in behavior/style for those with borderline as well as narcissism. This was a huge help for me.
Dated a guy two months and he failed the “No” test miserably, and when I mentioned it he gaslit me by trying to justify why he felt he should still do what I asked him not to. Shortly after that, honeymoon phase was over and his true narcissistic self came out full force! This test works!!
So glad you saw the warning sign
@@honeydrip1962 Thank you Victoria. I'm finally healed from it totally and have moved on.
It was good you saw the bad signs.
Such a good tool to help to reveal and unearth these traits
I call into question ANY WOMEN that call men narcs.
As its women who mainly play those mind games with men.
I'm such a narc magnet, it's gotten to the point where my "test" is just if somebody likes me, then that's proof they're a narc...
I get ya, but we can't let the demons win. Just go slow and when you get that first lie, that first devalue comment - GONE
Eastman Editing lol me too
You better figure this out, otherwise you will end up with no friends if you assume everyone who likes you is a narcissist/out to manipulate you
I'm kind of just realizing that most people that are around (men and women) are either narcissistic, bored and want to be entertained or just out if my league mentally. So I'm doing a lot of reading and alone time. Boosting myself up
Lol
Richard Grannon, you are Straight Up, Amazing at getting to the FACTS in layman's terms, and quickly. I never cease to be amazed at the accuracy of your information. Thank You for getting straight to the point, you are helping myself and countless others... we appreciate it!!
I’d like to thank Mr. Grannon for this video. I found him to be knowledgeable, insightful and practical. I’m particularly keen on the idea of centering yourself on your healing and setting boundaries or stopping contact, rather than labeling others or getting stuck in the negative feelings one has towards them.
Sulking is a form of punishment. How have I lived for 38 years without realizing this. This was a good video.
My husband punishes me by not feeding me ..ha ,it’s laughable ,he dosnt see that I can cook for myself !
Sulking is not punishment if people think that’s punishment that’s on them
You can sulk to yourself to express an emotion and you can sulk at someone to influence them. I don't see anything wrong with the first one.
Silent treatment after being excessive black n white
In my case sulking is a form of neglect. I'm a multi-tool for my narc wife. She gets everything she "needs" and everything I need she stays as far away from meeting them as possible.
Yah. Right on. Another sign is the inability to apologize. The closest my long-ago, former narcissistic partner got to apologizing was to say "I'm sorry you're angry with me". I laugh about it now.
Also, everything I did was wrong, even my solutions to the artificial dramas that were created on a regular basis. Being kind was wrong. Helping was wrong. Ignoring, even briefly to get a break from all of it. especially was wrong.
If you're feeling like a doormat, it's because you are being treated like one. Walk away. You can't fix it.
Paul March run away!!
Perfect description of my ex husband. There was just no way to get along with him
Funny that my husband whom I suspect is a narcissist never says sorry and seems that he is void of empathy when he makes me cry.
@@dorisday5871 If you suspect, then RUN. My ex never apologized for anything, nor did he ever comfort me when I struggled or if I cried. He thought my emotions were amusing at best, and ridiculous at worst. For 31 years I tried to get along with him, but he did not care if we got along or if we didn't. I lost both my physical and mental health and became suicidal. I hope that you RUN away as soon as you can. Don't lose yourself to someone who doesn't care about you.
Inability to apologize? Isn't that all women?
this popped up in my feed & started playing - can’t help but appreciate this earlier version of you ☺️
🙏🏽 for all you’ve offered along your journey
This was the most helpful thing I've heard.
Step 1 after removing myself from the situation was proving to myself that the gaslighting " you're the crazy one" theory was not right ( as I already suspected) was not true.
Step 2 was painful, realising what I thought was special was actually not. And asking myself how I allowed that.
Step 3: The memories of the abuse no longer affect me emotionally, they are now just a story i remeber to learn from
Step 4- pending. 2 years on I still haven't achieved. I'm still not prepared to risk even trying to consider a relationship because I don't trust my judgement.
So this was really helpful. I'm still not feeling that brave, but one day I may be and this was really good advice for when that time comes
I’ve realised recently that most of my relationships have all been with narcs... Saying “no” is the healthiest thing that I’ve learnt to do. It is truly liberating!!!!
the 2nd healthiest thing will be to figure out 1) why the NPD is attracted to you and 2) why you are attracted to them. If you dont feel you are lovable then you will attract those that cant love.
Same 😏
Yes I am :)
I am single for nearly 7 years now and still healing.
Getting what you want all the time, saying no a lot, when a guy will always says yes to you. Is not a realtionship
Everyone ain't your friend. Even if they say they are.
Narcissists tend to be know-it-alls...no humility whatsoever.
I’m a know-it-all empath... actually, I’m more like an NPD slayer...
Hello,you wrote a comment about narcissist know alls,i have a fond memory of watching a quiz show with a nacrcissist i had been abused by but was ending contact with,he thought he was a genius but i loved answering question after question,he was a lonely,isolated evil thing that had no idea of the capabilities of others.
Yeah sure
Very true absolutely true
Oh my goodness, so apparently he cannot talk about music with me because I don't know anything. What an idiot!
This was one of the most helpful, simple videos on this topic I have seen to date.
This resonates on so many levels. I have had multiple people in my life with personality disorders and the tactics used are incredible. Breaching boundaries, undermining you unfairly, making you question your own behaviors and motives. It is exhausting and you dont even know the rules of the game, you don't even know there IS a game and you sure as f#@k didn't consent to participate. Exhausted 🙏
I can tell you that i fell for it once and this burned it into me. I cannot ever unsee the signs i have seen in person.
"No" is the single most powerful word in any language.
It's only when you have a healthy amount of self love you can say no without fear of the consequences. This should be everyone's goal in life.
alsowork well for alchool drugs fastfood animal product, then yes to daily exercise and moral choice
@@sonyasmith1991 the Narc I know told me he doesn't know how to say no, that's already a bad sign of fakeness.
@@rememberfreedom5925 It is. The narc I knew didn't say it but it was clear he didn't know how to say no. He's self employed and couldn't say no to work even though he knew he didn't have the time to do it. He would say yes and just not do it. I thought he was a people pleasing nice person but now I know different.
This is 100% true. A narcissist will become visibly agitated, even angry, at the slightest sign of you putting up a boundary. Even when they're still trying to wear a mask, you'll see it. They simply cannot tolerate noncompliance. There's zero respect or understanding that you even have the right to say "no." It's a "how dare you say no to me!" type of attitude, and they'll project and view the situation as YOU fighting THEM when you're simply exercising your right to disagree and the situation couldn't be more the reverse.
It can go beyond reacting like that to no - it can be simply having a different opinion. My ex said once that was the best movie he'd ever seen. I said oh I thought the ending was too predictable. He EXPLODED. How could I say that after he'd just said it was the best. That's crazy right there.
kathynyny lol WTF.?????...nutjobs i tell ya
”EXPLODED”.. literally.. yes, Ive seen it before, too
missmerbella When I gave my ex a boundary, I was accused of "trying to control her" and there was no way to win, it's a catch-22 and she wore me down to a point where if we weren't doing exactly what she wanted, I was controlling her.
missmerbella your spot on!
Yep....they freak out when you say "NO"
This sounded so much like my story. It was very reassuring. Part of how you suffer is you start to wonder if the good sense you thought you had is even valid. This highly accurate description of what I happened to be experiencing let me know that my conclusions were not unrealistic. I’m going to stay tuned into this channel.
My mom used to say things like "You thought you could win this one, didn't you?" And "Don't ever think you're going to outsmart me" when I was a teenager, it was so distressing and confusing and NOTHING I said ever led to a positive ending...just her throwing fists or using objects against me. I think she has BPD or HPD but she'll never get tested lol Thank you for all you do to expose these things, I'm still mourning my lost childhood years and maybe you can save others from the suffering so many of us have had to endure 💔
It’s so hideous! So sad for all of the children, have personality disorder, and parents… That grew up, knowing something was deeply wrong, but not having any words or language to express or explain it. That first line that you said is a dead giveaway, though. To these people, especially BPD and NPD. There Hass to be a winner and a loser in every interaction, there is no adult exchange, ever. That Hass to be a winner and a loser, and the loser hast to be whoever the other person is. Even if they have to play a very long game to make that the case!
My dad would say "you want to match wits with me?"
"mourning childhood" is a most accurate description.❤
My mother and brother say that exact same thing 😂
Narcissist parents will sometimes call their kids to complain because they didn't like their Christmas gift when their own gift was a low effort cash amount in an envelope. The best thing to do is agree to do away with the gift exchanges, the kids do away with purchasing gifts, purchasing their own things and the parents do as well and this does away with the calls. When they call to complain to you incessantly about your siblings, don't make the relationship your problem and let them know that if they're going to call you to complain to you about their siblings, that you'd rather they didn't call. Adults, have options that they didn't have as kids.
I so relate to the "winning" thing. I did not realize being in a relationship was a contest.
In my opinion a healthy relationship should be teamwork an not a contest of who’s best
It's not a competition. You are both suppose to bring out the very best. Does this actually happen. Idk. I haven't had it. Would be nice a two way thing...fill one another up. Not get attacked. Not have to surrender all dreams and desires to make the other feel whole. Bleed everything you are. Everything you'd like to be. But you're the only one actually doing work. Not fun. Everyone has a certain amount of healthy nassism. I rejected all that a loooong time ago. Part of my own distortion
I was "kamakasi" and morbidly proud-rejection of self
Lucky to be alive at 37 I guess
My x is so competitive 24/7. It was crazy. I thought I was at fault. It’s so hard to understand because it felt like sexual tension when he did it and I hated and liked it. 🥴🤷♀️
Oh my gosh. You are amazing. You said so much that helped me realize the narcs manipulation and unremorse. . I ran in to a topic online of invalidation and it blew me away to. I'm learning so much, it's helping me be at ease and careful with narcs. I don't believe everything but what I find is obviously healthy info that really helps. I have so much to share but for now, thank you so very much for helping us. It stabilizes and helps people know how to act and react. The world needs it. It's filled with narcs and is why there's wars and domestic violence. God bless you my good man. ❤❤❤😊😊😊❤️❤️❤️
Going through hard times, after dealing with some serious narcissists + my own choices, it feels so good when people show me the kind of healthy attitudes you demonstrated in this video. Even when they have no material help or advice to offer, it's a relief to be left thinking that another person simply trusts me to solve my own problems or not.
Narcissists don't seek just an emotional reaction. They FEED off of the energetic fuel you supply -- whether the energy is positive or negative. They are energetic vampires who will suck the very life out of those they trap. RUN! and never look back!
They're called psychological vampires Silver Sub...
Chris if the person is infact a narcissist, then I agree and im not kidding. definitely kill them if you can get away with it. eww I sound a bit psycho.
Codependency is the dysfunctional match to the narc
Miranda Duckworth that myth has been disproven. Even healthy people get sucked in and used by the narc.
They feed off the drama!
I am a therapist, and you are accurate in your representation of this matter! Most people experiencing Cluster B personality disorders will never receive mental health services or agree to being assessed. Not even for couples therapy… or might go to a few sessions of couples or family therapy to try to convince the therapist that they are not the problem, but intend to blame another person within the family system or their partner. As soon as some balance is showed, and both parts need to assume responsibility over their faults, the narcissistic person will abandon the process…
I think, for aspd at least, that many of them avoid therapy because they believe that psychologists don't intend to or are professionally unable to help them. I'm not sure about the rest of cluster B, but aspd has a long history of having their disorder used by popular media for monster under the bed type characters (to the point where the disorder had to be relabeled twice) combined with psychologists mostly saying they have no real way of helping patients with the disorder. Any high functioning aspd person that is aware of that history is going to see therapy as a high risk situation with no pay off.
@@soujemn5 yeah, any comments about any pds with cluster-b traits.
People talk about what methods they can use to hurt people with those disorders, how they will be happy to see them dead. No surprise anyone with cluster-b traits will be at least cautious at approaching anyone about it.
Our society has accepted that when a depressed person hurts people around by being depressed it is the fault of pathology that can be treated. When it comes to NPD, BPD or ASPD, we just assume that those are monster people that have to be "dealt with".
Y’all nailed it! Helping me to see reality.
An X of mine arranged for couples therapy for us with her therapist -- which is not a great situation in the first place but I agreed nonetheless. We all said hello and the therapist asked my X what bothered her about the relationship. The therapist took her response, suggested a compromise and asked me if I could agree to that. I said, "sure." She then asked my X who refused and the two of them spent the rest of the session arguing about it. By the end of the session the only words I had said were, "hello," "sure," and "goodbye." A few days went by and I asked my X when we were going back. She said she was looking for a new therapist but never mentioned therapy again.
@Link Link Praying for you! God made you & you & your happiness matters! Take it one day at a time 🙏💞✨
Thank you for explaining clearly and helping me to understand the trauma of what I experienced with my husband. When I finally got the courage to say no he completely destroyed my life. Financially he left me destitute and the most painful was he turned my 2 beautiful children against their own mother who loved them. Its been 7 years of no contact but he still is intent to cause me immense pain. Your videos help me to understand why and how this could happen to me.
They never give up, but they don't end well either.
Thanks for your time and consideration to post your point of view out to the world. It’s laid out like I asked an informed person and they spoke openly and honestly.
Personally helped me out with my life. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate that.