The Narcissist's Cycle of Abuse in 4 Stages
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- The core of Narcissism presents as a dysfunctional cycle. In this video we go in-depth with a little help from Christine Hammond's wonderful article:
pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted...
Check out my book "The 16 Signs of a Narcissist" by clicking below right now:
understandingnarcissists.com/...
yes indeed very sick and sadistic people. Too bad they don't teach this in school so younger people are aware
No one can understand it until they go through it. Xx
there should be classes about it...and these type of people.....the golden rule just doesn't apply here with them.
+Lauri Rose no there is no one golden rule. But I've come across so many, I can now spot them by just looking at them. There's a sickening twisted disgusting energy around them. They're reptilians....
Red Leaf I was talking about the golden rule I was raised told about "treat others the way you widh to be treated"..only if you do that with them, it doesnt do any good. They dont follow it at all.
Red Leaf absolutely i agree
Every narcissist you meet is more or less the same person in a different body. To frame my experiences with these people in several analogies: a narcissist will go out of their way to carry you up the highest mountain on the promise of a beautiful view and as soon as you step to the mountain's edge to look out and sigh relief at the beauty of the world - they will kick you over the edge and smile as you fall. I believe their sadism isn't conscious -- it's instinctive and animalistic to control and destroy anyone who feels like a threat to their perfection. They seek out anyone who can benefit them socially or materially so they can mine them for resources. As soon as they are done extracting, like any predator they find their next prey. But they will still pick at your bones given the opportunity.
An apology from a narcissist is actually a test - to see if you are the type of person who would forget to lock your door after an in-home armed robbery.
But I have developed a test for them - let them believe you are beholden to their charm and amazed by their spectacular self. Then wait. The true tell of a narcissist is the pleasure they take in letting people down and passive aggressively tormenting you until they have you wondering "what have I done to deserve this?" But you did nothing. Your fate was written the moment you said hello to them.
It was brilliantly put. I actually think your test is a very smart one. People suggest tests involving putting questions to a narcissist hoping that they'll betray themselves, but I'm not sure any of these questions can ever be reliable. But yeah, showing no open resistance but just waiting for the moment when they promise something significant and then let you down, then show absolutely callousness and selfishness about it, that will tell you what you need to know.
In fact when you think about it, we do it to ourselves because we start investing in people and getting excited about them before they have shown they will come through on significant promises. We need to not invest until they've shown that they will a few times. I've made the mistake of investing based on how someone seems, without them actually having proved anything, and then made the further mistake of challenging them and showing hurt feelings when they let me down. I've been through this enough to know that actually yes, your test is spot on, IF you can have the inner strength not to get all invested in someone who hasn't proved themselves yet (words obviously not being proof).
Perfect. Every time I went back to her I felt like an idiot. There was never and apology, we both pretended the abusiveness never happen. But, I could set my clock on the next one, and the clock was ticking. Two or three weeks later, boom, out of no-where, it would be like spontaneous combustion. After almost nine years, there were some triggering psychosis inducing anger episodes. Holidays, vacations, family get-togethers. Any time people, or myself, would be happy and feeling joyous, she would blow up. (At me) You just have to leave, they never get better. You finally realize that, it’s out the door, with my dog and my sanity.
Great video, and great comment. They, are ALL the same.
I like your "what have I done to deserve this?" I feel the same way. I was triangulated, gaslighted and being punished by my other "friends" , I was isolated and they do her dirty jobs and burnt bridges.....
Wow...
Their sadism is usually conscious - they know exactly what they are doing. They plan it out, and delight in imagining your fall.
I struggled terribly trying to describe the kind of head games my narc would attack me with. I was almost convinced that I was the insane one.
They do this on purpose. They project a false reality so u look crazy to yourself and loved ones. Truth is you're not. Truth is you're aware of the true reality of who they are and others are not.
They do that. Gaslighting, crazy-making, eroding your sense of self, invalidation, the lies. They have been doing it their whole lives they are good at it. They unload all their toxic behaviors, thought processes etc onto you and take off with all your good qualities they learned and mimiced off of you. Of course you feel like the crazy one in the end. It is very difficult to get out of that head space and think rationally again or have peace of mind knowing there are people actually like this out there and that you experienced it.
MoonPhaze5 some of the techniques they use were used in the Korean War to interrogate American soldiers many of whom just gave up and died , it’s soul destroying psychological abuse. Kim saeed has some great UA-cam pieces she is really good!
Yes, things began to make sense once I got on UA-cam and started watching these videos on narcissism. These evil people need to be removed from decent society.
That's the point of the game. Make you feel like YOU are abusing THEM. They'll make you question reality.
Yes, this is "crazy-making", constant drama, anger tantrums, over nothing....
omg so true ! my narc was like that …. they are all the same ...
There's no pill for them. There is no reasoning with them. Only a miracle from God can change someone like this. My opinion, from experience is they are evil.
true, don't even think of reasoning with them, because the only thing you will get out of it, is them pretending to do, while they actually don't and you, believing them, will end up betrayed and frustrated and act impulsively, and everyone will think that you are a lunatic psycho.
Just realize that you don't deal with a human being but something more like a robot and just get out of there.
So I'm not the one with the problem? I see all your guyses comments and it's so EXACTLY what I'm going through! I'm so scared!
Billy Bob oh you're are definitely the one with a problem, if you have a narc in your life! They create chaos, they feed on your pain and confusion.. Get out as soon as you can!
Billy Bob wow you are very knowledgeable about this subject and
Why the narc does what they do....moreover why I react the way I do. Thank you so much for explaining how deep and complex the whole cycle is. I feel soooo relieved that IM NOT CRAZY, my so-called covert,malignant narcissistic "mom"!!!!!! Keep up the great videos! You really do get it, nice😉
***** If you have a brain deficiency which hinders your ability to be empathetic and you have been doing nasty stuff, I'd wager one is evil.
I hated "the calm before their cyclical storms" They are SO ridiculous, it's totally ABSURD!
One of the cycles of abuse is going in another room and talking bad about you on the phone
my mom used to talk bad about me on the phone right in front of me her favorite thing to say was i was so lazy all while I'm cleaning and cooking in her house and of course she would take credit for it
My mother would call people in front of me or behind my back and spew lies about me. Sadly, she had tricked me out of giving her phone numbers under the guise of concern for me. If I was going somewhere with someone she wanted their number " just in case" Or she would find other ways to get phone numbers. Either way the phone is her favorite weapon of choice! From what I've learned this seems to be a common trait with these psychopaths/narcs!! How pathetic that they have nothing better to do than expel all their energy and get off on other peoples pain. Truly twisted, depraved demons!
You just described what his narc rages felt like, like he was projecting, creating this nasty scenario out of thin air and then projecting it all onto me, always felt like I stepped on unseen land mines, unavoidable keeping me on constant eggshells in a state of trepidation.
of course they can't work their "magic" on someone who does have high self-esteem.. Which is why they never seem to "fall in love" with healthy people. Healthy people are not going to waste their time energy emotions and money on someone who is incapable and unwilling to reciprocate.
So true
yes when you start to stand up to them they run.
They trick us, they fake love , we don't know it till they have us in love with them
Bingo! You said what's true.
32 years of my life, and I'm actually free now. The world is completely different than I believed it to be while in my "safe-box" of narcissism abuse.
"They will initiate an interaction in which they can transfer bad feelings on to you." Spot on
I got a point to make between the stages of bullying you into reacting, and the "peace offering". My dad would often after guilt/shame mongering, would act really chipper and overly friendly. Along with the peace offering, I think he did this to reinforce the idea that I was the one with the problem since I would be the only one that's upset. And I think he also did this to try and remove my ability to feel my feelings
+Joe Geraci ........ they usually try to get a reaction out of you when other folk are around so they can wag a finger at you
Just today I realized why he would always do what I'd asked him not to , because it hurt me. He'd do it more and then feign surprise at the intensity of my feelings. Thank you
dude, ive watched this like 10 times and every time its like a kick in the nuts. Just so perfect
Narcissists don't give a peace offering because they regret what they've done.
They just need to hoover the victim back in so that they can abuse them all over again.
The confusion caused by this sweet/mean cycle is what keeps the victim in their thrall.
If they were always mean, their victims would run for the hills the first time and the
the narcissist would have to go through all the time and effort involved in securing a new
long-term victim.
A Possibility in regards to why the Narcissist abuses in these 4 ways 1)Narcissists feel threatened because they cannot connect with the environment so they do not know how to feel part of a family/community. Their brain rejects responsibility to their actions because they cannot connect or feel for others, they then feel like the world is hurting "them" which brings us to phase 2) Abusive tendencies show when the narcissist brain rejects responsibility because they have a lack of empathy and so their brains internalize the pain to be self centered in their body. the hurt then turns into a rage or perhaps a 'punishing' mentality because they felt betrayed. The transference is happening because they do not know how to deal with the pain so they transfer it to you. When the victim reacts, they feel that the pain was justified because they were hurt, so they make you hurt just like a child would when they do not get their own way. 3)Self victimization occurs because they are still in pain, and they want to place you responsible for their pain, but because their brain skips over caring for the other person, they cannot bring themselves to understand your point of view. 4) Empowered. It is difficult to determine how much of this is actually intentional because their brains do not understand the impact they have. If they get a reaction from you then they justify that they were right for you hurting them. They can definitely see they are effecting your emotions, and try to control your emotions because they want you to see how "you" are there just to serve them and to make them feel better.
Damm..best explanation I've heard!!
Phenomenal explanation of a very confusing and frustrating experience!!! Thank YOU!!!
Trying to hold your cool and not give them a reaction is futile because they will pick and pick at you and come at you from all different angles until they wear you down and get a reaction out of you. One time i tried to ignore my elderly mom's attempts to get a rise out of me. She tried all kinds of stuff. She left the house in a torrential rain and lightning storm, expecting me to go get her -- I did not. She came back drenched and then demanded I do something for her immediately, I think it was moving some boxes--I did not do that. Eventually she stood right in front of me, where I was sitting, blocking my conversation with my son. She was so close, her stomach was only a couple inches from my eyes. She was calling me all sorts of names. When I finally yelled at her to "get the bell out of the way, " she turns to me with an evil grin and yells, "see you are just like me!." She wanted a reaction and got one. the more I resisted, the more intense her bullying got. That type of behavior was her pattern all her life. She pulled that stuff with her husbands and boyfriends too: picking on them until they reacted, then she turned around and played the victim. She got reactions she worked for and then gleaned pitty from others, including law enforcement, when she told what happened making herself the victim. These narcs can get you in real trouble with their games and lies.
+grand454 They have no limits. Some times they go very far in their efforts to get a reaction out of you. In my experience my crazy, totally dysfunctional NPD girlfriend in her attempts to control and manipulate me went even up to commit in suicide attempt, of course everything was set up to be easily found. She took some sleeping pills at the day, and went to sleep when I with a
friend of mine was siting next door tired of her endless drama and
abuse. But it was scary, when she lost all her arguments and cannot find
new hooks she pulled out big guns - controlled suicide attempt! And her
first words from hospital call was - in abusive way, why I'm not siting next
to her hospital bed?!!!
+JennieJennie BANGBANG! Thank you for compassion. I kind a see this pattern in many narcissist I encounter, when they fell a loss of control and power they pull out PITY PLOY of some sort. Something that you should do as polite, descent and god fearing person, and if U reject comes abuse - looks a like in abusive cycle also not doing something that they wants triggers their VICTIM status and as follows vindictive rage and retaliation. This girlfriend of mine was pretty extreme example of this, long before suicide attempt when I want to end relationship suddenly she started to claim that she is pregnant
despite birth control and some vague statements about her infertility. And started to blackmail me with a potential baby, we do not live together at that time and I had big concerns about origin of pregnancy knowing her life style. But she get her goal - pushed me to accept her back, and thanks god I did not had baby with that woman, after short time pregnancy
was terminated by itself. But this pattern - desire to separate( loss of
control from narc) - next step -look this big thing, feel sorry, take care
about me if you are gentleman and god fearing (some sort of spiritual abuse I think). Another example of this pattern with her, I wanted to cut contact, so she called and claimed that she so stress out or something so she took some drugs and now high on drugs - so I should came and rescue her or something like that, fill sorry, fill pity etc.. And I started to care and explain to her danger of drug usage how she should go and see a doctor etc.. She yes yes yes(and I afraid she did not do anything).. and as a result we do not separate. And I was stupid enough to buy in stuff like this, looks a like I’m not too smart. So, this suction in by appeal to pity is horrible thing.
+JennieJennie BANGBANG!
Thank for a good words, wish you well too. Hell yeah all that relationship was extreme and after that for me is hard to have new relationships ‘cose all this trauma, these crazy narcissist destroy trust in people . About seeking help, only way got her to move out from my place was almost by the force bringing her to the psychotherapist for the couple counseling. And only therapist made her move out, before she just refused, playing all sort of games. And after short period of time she found herself new donor continue slandering me. But I’m living with fear of new relationships. So I’m not so sure that they end up alone, such people easily found new victims to use and abuse, to exploit etc.. End up alone people like me who are scared as hell after living a year with nightmare like that. This topic of this video and article very impressed me, ‘cose rearranged some known facts in a new way which opened new perspective. ‘Cose I was baffled with one
trick I encounter in that relationship, how she demonized me, made feel guilty and used to slander me and trash my reputation. And all this fits so well in concept of abusive cycle, if U do not mind I share story in short.
She was pretty messed up person, from dysfunctional family and grim and dark background, one of her issues was problem that her ex-husband beat her, so she constantly accused me in a desire to beat her. I was in shock and for week assured her that it’s not my style. But for her it was enough, she provoke fights and accused me in desire to beat her, it was impossible to prove negative. So she escalate and escalate conflicts, and watched for my reactions, so she could not get desired reaction for me, and she decided to beat me, so she started a hysterical fight after my sock lying on the floor in my own apartment where I allowed her to move in and live, so she hysterically attacked me in my own hose about a socks treating me do hit me in the face and moving toward me planning to hit me, for me it was too much, I stood up an slap her. So immediately she become a victim! She always knew it, that I’m same as her evil ex-husband, so she started on every corner yell that she got beaten by me, out of the blue I attack her etc. and how horrible person am I etc. etc.. . Just like described in article “The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse “provided here by the video clip author. It’s just unbelievable. “..Finally tired of the assault, the abused defensively fights back…. This is when the switchback occurs. The narcissist uses the abused behavior as further evidence that they are the ones being abused. ….. the narcissist feels empowered. This is all the justification the narcissist needs to demonstrate their rightness or
superiority...” It’s is so damaging, I’m speechless.
+JennieJennie BANGBANG! That's what happens when you grew up with NPD mother, as a scapegoat in role of wounded healer aka fixer. This girlfriend replicated in essence what NPD mother did to me. Same justification of abuse by pity ploys, exploitation of empathy, provocations, manipulations, lies, slander, smear tactics, spiritual,emotional abuse etc.. Parent-child role reversal, just like I become caretaker of my dysfunctional hallucinating sick mother, here I become problem solver for 1000+1 problem of crazy girlfriend. So you can run but you can't hide. I went no contact with mother at age 18. But problem tends to recreate it'self in another places. It's like having no immunity from such people. They size you up, find weak spots and exploit them. Sad but true.
And thank you for compassion and kind words, I really appreciate it.
+JennieJennie BANGBANG! Hi. Beg your pardon for long response. Looks a like I got sick after these memories, all this toxic emotions of anger, fear, guilt etc. a raised. So, about attracting those people, so from one side narcs specially search for people with wounds and weaknesses, but form another side, mine own attraction to such people plays big role. Narcissistic mother sets up standard - her behavioral pattern is good and acceptable and only one TRUE - she is simple the best of the best, and you should seek in life only THE BEST. Like a computer programming, also society and mass media push the same buttons - you should use (have, be, own, belong to… etc.) the Best. And suspiciously often so called best people are Narcissists. And don’t even try to prove them wrong..
And what helped to you to become narcissists proof , what you can recommend for rising awareness?
I personally still suffer for number of narcissist at may work place and daily life.
Cheers
So accurate it made my stomach turn. Wow!
+Nick Bloem Yeah this kid is on point.
+Brandon Hertel i can look back and see every false drama play out the same way. They couldnt stop until the blame was on me. The way they manufactured the problem to target what would hurt me.... It makes me sick, seriously
I understand I have a in-law currently going through a cycle right now. He is making UA-cam videos in a weak attempt to damage me. wanna check it out?
+Brandon Hertel nah, no offense. But nothing i need to worry about
lol no worries. I personally love to watch train wrecks.
Best thing to do with a narcissist is mirror his crap, tell him you never loved him that you duped him and you saw through his bullshit from the beginning, that he amused you and was entertained by his nonsense.... And he cant give you what you need so you're moving on, to find someone who could afford you, an obvious lie but effective.... I did that and he never came back and got himself another victim, good
That's exactly why I don't go to family functions.
I am drawing back. Detaching. Relinquishing control. I cannot make a difference, will be reviled for any attempts to reconcile, relate, fix.
omg. i almost got convinced i was the crazy one, and seeing things that are not there, felling guilty and wanting to repair all the time. then got the silent treatment and felt punished all the time. i was staring questioning my own perception to a point i felt totally in despair. he seemed totally untouched by my feelings. on the other hand, when i felt good he always treid to stop that energy. I still recover. and try to find my faults
Well me too we are same
So true
You are not alone!
I got played like a fiddle. Always got the reaction out of me to the point that I began to abuse him.. So many bad memories and so much shame I felt after reacting. No one else ever got that reaction out of me... pathetic part is I still care for and have the "fantasy love" for him :'(
That's Trama Bonding.
Kourtnee Monroe That sounds just like what am going through.
We all got played. Let him go. He hates you. Remember the person you fell in love with LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST ! Good luck.
Wow- you really hit the nail on the head! In my experience, the only way to stop the cycle is to break off all contact- forever! Refusal to "play the game," i.e., to engage in conflict (along the lines of their pre-written script), lie for the abuser, feed the drama and or placate would send (my) narcissistic abuser into a rage.
Wow this totally happened to me... my ex narc was doing so much strange things including the name calling, belittling, no accountability, could not say sorry, give and take away game, deflecting, totally making up stuff that didn't exist and then holding this non-existing situation against me, triangulation, etc.... it was so strange and i had no clue what was actually going on that i researched, on the internet, and came across all these types of videos... I was totally blown away and was in total disbelief... she started to realize that i was figuring her out and she started to run, however she was still very manipulative in creating a bunch of situations as previously mentioned, until i eventually blew up on her, rightfully so... i wasn't upset that i blew up on her, because the realization of how much sick stuff she was doing to me was very unbelievable and sadistic... on the other hand, I do however regret blowing up on her, because i gave her something to use against me to make me look like the bad person.... fortunately i saw a video that said to save everything, because that's the only way people will believe me if i was ever to tell them my side of the story... i have so much hard physical evidence including text messages and voice notes of all the sick verbal and mental manipulation and abuse that she was doing... I'm positive that with the nice false person she tries to sell everyone, they would be very shocked to see this side of her, as was i... People need to know what these people are about... so save everything because they have mentally manipulated everyone's perception, within their circles, that only hard facts will prove what you're saying... What they do in relationships is straight up evil!! It's time that they get exposed, because nobody should ever have to go through this type of abuse!! Not even when it happened to them at some stage of their childhood...
@@dhannan53 Its called coming out of the fog, this person needed proof what was happening to them so they did this for there sanity. It is recommended to do this if you are being abused. You are coming out extremely harsh towards this person , so who is the one with the problem?
this gave me an anxiety attack. it's so accurate and it's what I've accurately recognized and tried to explain to him over and over... it never gets anywhere.
HE IS A VERY INFORMATIVE YOUNG MAN. GOOD SPEAKER.
You better believe they can become murderous. Mine poisoned my food in hopes they would be able to move their boyfriend and mother into my home with my belongings and capitalize on the 500k life insurance policy. I went to the police but they did not open an investigation because I didn't die. Thanks kawps.
+JennieJennie BANGBANG! Mine broke the ribs of one of his girlfriends and beat up the last one...which I did not find out until 3 weeks ago...after I kicked him out on new years day after only 2 weeks with the guy!
***** I hear you. I didn't realise narcs were necessarily violent physically. I grew up with a father who is a narc and he was quite gentle, just psychologically mind fucking and emotionally abusive.
My ex was more on the borderline but I think he had narc tendencies. It's been enlightening communicating with his ex. He came from a violent home though, so I think as with anything every case is different with narcs and anyone with a disorder. They won't all be violent, but some may be and are.
omg...thank God you lived to tell..♥
Thank you Adrianna. That means a great deal to me.
Oh my God, I feel so sorry for you... and understand that I could be in a dangerous place too... Thanks for sharing
yOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB WITH THIS CHANNEL!!
WOW!! You described my dad to the t. My parents have been married for 17 yrs and now mom knows when he is going to explote. She used to react to his verbal, financial, emotional abuse and used to excuse his behavior bc on top of it he is an alcoholic. Then mom started to put boundaries and he was making her pay the price, it got to the point that mom called the police on one of his drunken rages; it took 3 visits from the same officers in one night until he showed his true colors, got arrested for no following instructions and spend the night in jail. He told mom later, he will never forgive her; to which mom said: don't care, Im done putting up with your behavior and taking your abuse. That made him stopped drinking, mom thought everything was going to be ok but no long after that he started talking about how mom was lazy, abusive, crazy. It made me really mad bc mom is the one who has always been there for me and my sister and he has left her alone resolving problems. He has always apologized but we can never trust him completely. About 3 yrs ago he told mom he wanted to work on the marriage and the family, she and I believed him except my sister. Until one day he went off bc I didn't want to go eat pizza with my soccer teammates, all it was he felt like the mom who organized everything needed to be recognized for her hard work.....wait a min..... you are not this way with mom why do you care about a stranger??
Last year my sister overheard an argument and she realized how abusive he is with mom when we are not around, to my sister's surprise mom said, I'm done! its always the same, everything is my fault, nothing gets worked out, he is the one lying and hiding information, his whereabouts and I'm at fault? My sister is studying psychology, so she made sure mom knew what she has learned about abusers and narc. These videos have been very helpful and summarized the book she is reading. She doesn't know how but she will figure a way out, she works part time and makes sure she is there for me and my sister, we have no family around; my father will not let us visit her family since they live in another country and mom doest make as much as he does, but she has made friends and we are building relationships at church. Thank you for taking the time to help others!
Since becoming educated by these videos I know that my narcassist is starved and dying inside even quicker. 10 steps ahead not in my feelings anymore and on a mission!
That article really helped me at the time. I realised that I could never control the situation when something is 'imagined' or the narc is always looking for a problem. You just can't win with people who have a mental illness so best to walk away.
"Just wait til I calm down."
Keep waiting, because I don't care. :)
I still talk to my narc on the phone. We live in different cities, and we DO have interesting conversations at times. Sometimes he is calm and almost sweet. But, I've never gotten what I wanted out of him. But, he is so charming, and faithfully calls every day.
They are mean children in an adult body
No doubt in my mind narcs are capable of murder. They have the same mind set.
Saw something online where 99% of people in jail for killing boyfriend/ girlfriend/husband/ wife are Narcissists.
@@cherylharris6312 wouldnt be suprised honestly
@@cherylharris6312 😳
The Narc that was in my life knew I was honest, dedicated and faithful. He would demand over 7 years that I take a lie detector test to further prove my innocence of not being a cheater. He tried snapping my phone in half, shoving me into walls, and stalking me by secretly placing a recorder in my car for 3 months that my adult son found. The craziness would end if i did that one thing he claimed; take a $575 lie detector test. It's as if they live by a how to be a narc guide.
They are indeed capable of murder. My narc went to jail for a bit after shooting someone who he claimed was trying to steal his car. One of his many conquests stole alot of cash he had at home. He said to me if he ever saw her again, he would kill her.
I am finally extraditing myself from 40 years of marriage to a narcissist. Your videos have been most helpful. The cycle you describe is most familiar to me. Thank you so much for shedding light on this matter.
Thank you for making these videos. It takes a lot to go out on a limb.
Wow! This is so on point. I have never heard this explained so articulately until now. It helped me understand transference and projection and how the abuser wants to provoke reactions in you that confirm to them (and potential observers) that you embody their bad feelings (pain, anger, fear, regret, desperation, frustration, disappointment, jealousy) and traits (volatility, impulsiveness, cruelty, coldness, lack of control, low self-worth, entitlement) and that they embody your good feelings (happiness, delight, contentment) and traits (stability, patience, compassion, kindness, warmth, thankfulness, gratitude).
mine always makes sure there is a peticular audience. I have been framed many times with this performance. she does this because she knows I have class and would never lose control. she just loves to see me suffer. and when I bring up how that was so inappropriate, she denies that was her intention, that I miss understood. so now I call her out on the spot. which surprises everyone. and I don't care. it's better then holding it in and then getting treated like the crazy one. so now she is more carful and more strategic. and I just stay as far away as possible. because I feel like she now sets up mine fields for me for her own entertainment. it's hard with a family but I have become stronger and more corageous. it's exausting unfortunately at times. but all experiences can help others. I've learned from one of the best.
I know I'm four years later. I just had to let you know your courage is formidable and I applaud your new way to handle your narc ... call her out on the spot. Of course, she'll become more feral now, but you can handle her until such time as you can completely ignore her and kick her out of you life, family or not.
It's still so absolutely alien to me how a narc can hurt others for entertainment. I knew nothing of narcs until I got caught in the buzz saw of a very smooth talker and consummate liar for three months and then left him. I felt completely confused, devastated, because I had really fallen for his facade. It took me a year to put my heart back together, and thank goodness I had help from another survivor and groups similar to this. Like you, I have become stronger. And I'll be damned if I ever let another being abuse, dismiss, or gaslight me or anyone else within my sight!
Please listen to this,especially about the physical part. Do not ever think he will never hurt you ,he can and some will. I speak from a lot of experience. There was a time I thought he would never hit me. I now have the scars to remind me how wrong I was. As for the "murderous" statement ,pay attention to that as well. I managed to get away twice. I got lucky. Again listen to those parts of this video it can save your life
May everyone here be protected by the Gold Ray of Christ. I shared my story here & as there's so much darkness & negativity surrounding it? I wanted everyone to be protected. No good comes out of focusing on what you don't want. "Where attention goes, Energy grows".
& perhaps it is our fears that brings these challenges...? I don't know. One thing I do know is the only way to break free is not by fighting the darkness for you cannot win against the darkness by fighting it but by becoming the Light. If you are in a dark room, & want to see clearly, you turn on the light. If you keep cursing the dark & even try punching it (lol) you will still not get anywhere. & if you are in a room full of Light, no darkness can enter it.
2 wise teachers also told me: if you don't have the fear, the energy cannot come in. & that's very very true. We gotta heal ourselves to become free for they will never ever change. They are there to serve us (for the darkness serves the Light).
No you cannot change the cycle if you are physical involved. They will just deny anything is going on if confronted. You have to be completely absent from them to stop the cycle.
He could never pull me into his mind games - I always thought he was odd. He said to me once "I can't control you". That's when my curiosity kicked in. I watched his moves, was in tune with his conversations and figured him out. He threatened me once. And blew up for no reason (on my bday) and blamed his anger on me. I know I didn't do anything to spark his rage. Didn't know what to call it until I started my research. I had to dismiss myself from the relationship. He is/was incidious.
Thank you for helping me identify someone in my life and at least understand what is going on.
My son started this cycle at a young age. I have not been able to escape this hell. He now uses his child as a tool and keeps us apart. So much pain for my grandson and myself.
@25centsworth Exactly! I am finally so done with going back and forth with him about how I've Changed/How I make him feel unimportant. Last night was when I've begun the process of eliminating his mental presence in my mind. What's bad also is that I introduced him to the congregation at my church... I've been going there about 3 years and I love it there. I'm very active and we all are involved in each others lives. I made the mistake of introducing him to my church and he has been there about 3 or 4 times, and always stares directly ahead even when there's singing and clapping! I'm mature enough to know that I don't have to explain anything to anyone, however I need to be prepared to give general answers to church members, friends and family without telling my business - It's all part of it, and time will heal all wounds. I'm prepared to move on!
Thanks for this video. You are right on. I actually can't even believe I finally found out what has been going on with my dad for years. The covertness of it has been the most difficult because I could never just say dad's an alcoholic or a schizophrenic etc. For years I believed I was the crazy one and even the bad one. This is helping me because I had to move in with my dad as an adult due to job loss and chronic pain problems. I'm hoping ai can find a way to move out as soon as possible but I might have to go back to school but I'm afraid of having that sabotaged by staying here. I'm hanging on by a thin string on sanity at the moment. It's unbelievable in how you cannot escape them no matter how much you keep to yourself ect. Thanks again.
Accurate with my 2 narcs.
At Step 2, I give No Reaction (equals no transference), therefore, Steps 3 & 4 never happen.
This helps me understand my husband better. I'd like to learn more about how one develops this kind of personality. In my husband's case, he had an abusive childhood. Easy to see how a child would become totally self-centered when they realize the parents cannot be counted on and will continue to deny them love and nurturing as well as dishing out abuse of all kinds.
I have learned so much here that has greatly improved my ability to cope with a workplace situation.
Love love love your videos.. Really helped me look at my situation with my ex who is the true definition of a narc.. Trying to learn how to stop the vicious never ending cycle. In each video of yours that I have watched , everything you say is extremely accurate. You are very helpful. Thank you!
SO MUCH YEP. I can't believe how well you described that! Mine was so good at changing her act depending on what eyes were around, it really made me feel crazy as a child. I thought the whole thing about working their victim into such frustration that they can make the VICTIM look like the one with the problem was unique to this individual, but it totally makes sense now that you put it in the context of a cycle. Thanks once again for a very helpful video!
This is a remarkable video, thanks so much. You have an awesome way of conveying very difficult manipulated emotions in a concise way while still delving into the complexity of the way these emotions work in the victim. Bravo and new subscriber.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I knew instinctively what my two youngest daughters where doing and that I was being abused but I never could put a name to this process. It is hard to admit that my kids are unsafe people, very much like their father but I have come to terms with it. Your videos are so helpful.
Yes My narc dad knows I'm not good at math and he says we need to be able to figure out the exact change or we will get scammed out of our money. So he pretends hes helping us get better by giving us hard math problems like the item costs $5.25 and you give them a $20 how much is your change? and I try to answer it and i always get it wrong and he does it over and over again making me feel like I'm not smart and i just couldn't take it anymore and i started crying. And after i started crying he didn't seem to care he just kept going and i was thinking to myself . why am i not getting this? am i stupid? I cant never do anything right? I know that this is just a way for him to see me get things wrong so he can feel smarter than everyone and laugh at my pain. I just have to remember that there is nothing wrong with me and that there is something wrong with him
+Russell Richardson
Well Russell, you're smart enough to be here, so smarter than him, and more human than him. Next time he criticizes your Maths, blame your Bad Genes. Well, it might be entertaining on one level, but at your own risk, be careful.
Maths is important, and a good level can be achieved for most people, with good teaching and parenting, obviously beyond your Father.
Check out Khans Academy on google.com.
My daughter, with my help and more importantly Independent Working there has improved her self confidence and is doing very well.
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+Russell Richardson You are very intelligent, you've figured his nastiness out. Anyone would get the simplest math problem wrong when they are being ridiculed. I'm so so sorry you have to go through this. Big hugs sweetheart, you keep your chin up and know you're not alone. Try talking to a school counselor about this, what your "dad" is doing is abuse.
+Russell Richardson Don't worry you will learn math , he is trying to stress you out on purpose so that you feel more anxious when your studying . Reach out to someone like a counselor at school or family that you KNOW you can trust for help with what is going on at home . Sending love to you !
+Russell Richardson Next time he asks you about change, take out a calculator and punch in the numbers. You are smart enough to use a tool when you need an answer.
youre right man. you're right. it's 14.75. take 20, minus 5. that's 15. then minus .25 from 15. that's 14.75.
Boy this is right on. Once I can recognize all this, I don't have to follow the craziness. So so right on who they are. I agree you can't contain them or get them to feel sorry for ANY issue.
Thank you sir.
You do not realize how many people you are helping!!
Yes all true!
God bless!
@Corona House Wow-just Wow...
In all of my research on Narcissists since meeting this man in September, and eventually suspecting that something is certainly OFF about his personality- his speed of "falling in love" with me (right after our first date)...his extreme disapointment in me not wanting to rush, but just get to know each other...you have certainly provided to me what could be seen as small in the eyes of unsuspecting people, but a HUGE giveaway-THE EYES! Besides the snide remarks that he disguises as intelligent and compassionate conversation, it's his eyes that tell his evil story....He's always just staring at me (creepy), and looks at me sideways with a smirk when I'm talking with him, then acts as if it's totally natural! He always emphasizes his points by way of overextending his neck, giving me the bug eye, and smirking (he seems to live with a permanent smirk). His eyes seem to bulge out of his head naturally, so for him to exaggerate his stares is downright idiotic looking. His conversations generally take on the "I'm the victim" mentality-no matter how kind I am...and I'm finally emotionally exhausted to the point where I don't care if my family and friends ask me "What happened to _____?"-I have to let go of this in my life in order to continue growing as a healthy, evolving human.
@Understanding Narcissists Thank you for your thorough insights, so that we may learn about Narcissists, and find out if we have one in our midst. Your wealth of information has really helped me.
+Sunny Tomorrows Yeah, it was so off. he wanted to have kids with me after a week! Said he was in love with me after about 4 days and right before he asked if I wanted to have kids with him he threatened to cut me into little pieces??...then blamed me later for "bringing out the worst in him". Of course.
*25centsworth I'm so happy to be healing and moving on! Every once in a while something comes up that reminds me of how fortunate I am to be away from him...
Luci Bloom Yes-that's a BIG red flag! I learned that it's called "love-bombing"-he doesn't even know who you are yet! The pendulum swings one way one minute, then way over on the other side the next minute! First it's "I love you so much!", then in the blink of an eye it's "You made me do it"! The threat of violence always lingers...TIME TO GET HIM AWAY OR GET AWAY-somehow--get your life back.
Sunny Tomorrows Oh I kicked him out on new years day about 7 weeks ago...had enough. It only lasted 2 weeks. That was the power of his 'charm'. I found out later that he beat all his exes...choked the last one, broke the ribs of the one before. He's a fucking lunatic.
@Luci Bloom YAY! YOU ROCK! Thank God for opening our eyes in a timely manner! I wish for you only sunny skies from now on-even with the occasional storm.
I admit to being a dark triad sociopath, I'm high functioning, do work but limit myself from people as much as possible.. Its better the life of a hermit than hurting people..
Your points on transference is a very valuable point to remember and recognise as it occurs....it's been very helpful in diffusing my ex narc from trying it again. I emphasise the fact that having such awareness of it, empowers us to be prepared as it occurs and recognise what they are doing and their motives for doing so... 👍🏼 thanks for the information sharing. Respect 👍🏼
What I noticed between myself and them is that they operate in life through "stories". They have the internal experience they don't like and must fix it with a story outside of them, usually a petty and childish one. Whereas I weighed up a desired outcome using healthy values, they weigh it up by a"win" over their low self esteem with this false story. It's like incredulously watching a toddler in a sandpit only they are adults. They are never joyous or satisfied. Ever. But they will practise and post stuff about self help but I used to watch them and it all flew over their heads. Like inhaling food without tasting it. It's a freight train and you're supposed to stop them as the target and act out their little internal problem.
Oh yeah. Ex-narc had me read "The Five Love Languages," which I did and we shared our thoughts and languages. What a joke on his part.
I had to chuckle when his previous victim and I started communicating and I found out she was the one who suggested he read it. He had implied he came across it himself and gifted it to the many people who are important to him, which actually happens to be zero unless you count him. ;-)
Amazing analysis. So accurate and flashbacked to when he provoked me the last time to react like a banshee...then told me I was the crazy one, when it was actually a normal reaction to the behaviour he was presenting. I told him this at the time and he did not acknowledge it of course. I was aware the transference was being attempted. The peace offering was a classic. He sent me a note to say sorry and a little badge of a stuffed bunny head with a bunny face on it and when I thanked him he said "I always give gifts that I like"?? He's definitely capable of murder. I don't rule it out at all. He threatened to cut me into little pieces, then asked me to have kids with him 5 hours later!
Oh My God!!!!! It's as if you met and lived with my husband!
You are TOTALLY on point. (Not to mention my mother! That's obviously how I got into the mess I'm in, with choices in partners) figured that one out just recently! I was just recreating my dysfunctional family of origin. (Lucky me) ;)
You are so spot on with all your videos. I walked away from my narc ex BF 6 mos ago. I just came across your videos late last night. The best I've come across thus far and I've watched hundreds. I started doing some of his shit back at him but he just got off a little more aggressive, so I decided game over. We were together 1 yr 9 mos on and off. I got smart and discarded him the minute I could feel the shift. I feel the only reason I was with him was to save his life so he could spend a few more years with his miserable self. I told him something was wrong with his heart but he did nothing the first year even though I told him a couple times. he finally said something to his cardiologists and couple months later he had to have open heart surgery. That was a year year I go this March 19th. Although I don't regret saving someone's life I do regret wasting two years of mine on someone who didn't deserve me. I'm a tough girl so I'll be you okay, but I feel sorry for the women who cross his path that aren't as strong as me. I would like to get revenge on him, but I know I would only be hurting myself, so I'll do nothing except live a happy life. I'm grateful because it could have been so much worse. thank you for your videos I really do appreciate them.
Thank you for validating my gut level feelings about a current personal situation.
Great Suff!
you're good you you you you're good !!! first time I hear about the transference of bad feelings. right on the button! thanks
2:29 + "the concept of a behavioral cycle is the hard part to understand what defines a cycle is a repeating pattern procedure a little bit harder to understand on a deep level the stages themselves" yes you are brilliant because you are explaining the importance of navigating & documenting causality outside of time .. you are a genius Scott I only started to use UA-cam & ive actually benefited so much from your videos for many years you are a brilliant person I hope you are as successful loved & well always & it is great to subscribe to you now - keep on keeping on in all you are AMD
thanks for these videos , definitely hits close to home!
100% accurate and very well articulated. So grateful for your service!!
Great video. Very good explanation of how they manage to dump their rage onto others and the reasons why. I've experienced it many, many times. I couldn't always see it coming though. In fact, sometimes, we'd go to bed after having had a really nice evening full of affection and humour and on waking up, I'd be told I had a problem with him and he'd go into rage mode. Those times in particular absolutely confirmed that it was entirely generated by him.
this channel is very helpful. thank you.
another excellent video that captures the essence of the behaviour and makes the information very accessible. I experienced this cycle over and over again. I guess it just took me s long time for the penny to drop. well it's understandable for it to take a long time to know you're not the crazy selfish stupid one if you dont have much self esteem. this is why first they have to destroy you so you'll buy into their crap.
this is truly one of the best information on the abuse cycle that I've come across and I've read dozens of books watched dozens of videos... Thank you.
Wow, interesting to learn this is similar to a pressure cooker situation continuously cycling through their psyche. I didn't know that, I thought it was trigger specific, but this makes more sense. I must say I pity narcs even though I can't fully comprehend their horrific lives, the emptiness/void, the fragility, the building pressure cycles, the emotional vampirism, and ultimately the pleasure they derive from causing pain. I really wish there was something that could be done for them to ease their living hell. Having said that, if I ever again see a narc circling to land near me, I will squash them like a bug by ignoring them. I survived one short-term narc "relationship" and don't wish to ever experience that nightmare again! Your videos are giving me the information I need to protect and armor myself. Thank you, Scott.
This video makes perfect sense. I was subject to narcissistic abuse when I stood up to a pair of relatives. They became unusually nice afterwards, inviting me over, but eventually, there was this revealing of negative feelings in bits and pieces, until there was the scheme where they got the rise out of me. I was skunked. It was not a pleasant feeling. I feel emotionally tampered with, and trying to re-zero on me, my quintessential self, during the past few years has been very difficult.
Very accurate video as the other videos of yours on narcissism. Thank you!
Spot on!! I have this happen almost every quater yearly and I see all the signs now and I just keep busy and out of his way at all cost and he then drops it with someone else and I’ve missed an attack again!! Taken yrs to get smart about it all but your on the money and I enjoy listerning to you👍🏼
Great video! Are you in Colorado? I ran a meetup in Boulder last week and many of the members were talking about you and how you helped.
Amazing Scott. God bless you. 💕
10:45 wants you isolated, always has something to take from you to hurt you & you're Always the problem. Eyes on the situation! Always needs an audience but, will flip out if anything isn't perfect because they can't stand the idea (their imaginatiin) of being embarrassed in any way. Everything is about them even when it's not. Tremendously selfish with what you need but will give what's easy for them (money, gifts)....only to have it to take from you later.
Peace offering......like domestic abuse...yes! No they won't apologize because to them it's your fault. Choose (side with) others over you who don't know & praise them. You become the enemy.
I am totally deflating a narcissist's balloon right now. Its fun right now, but I'm a little nervous how its going to come back to bite me. This person pulls the "this is really bothering me" act every single day and hates that he isn't getting a rise out of me anymore. And your point about keeping it "contained" is exactly what I'm going through. I only get verbally abused when nobody's around to call him out on it. He thrives on getting a rise out of me. THANK YOU for this video!
This is a very good description - thanks.
🤯Mind blown. The publicly nice deed. Which was intended to make one tick. I was bamboozled. And I fell for it. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Wow these people are truly evil.
Zombies
+Crimson811 f**k off, that was not a joke. I really think narcissists are zombies - without soul.
Philosopher-1 very helpful had a narc husband who killed himself after years of cheating and abuse to me
I love your videos and information . I can't thank you enough😘
great video, thanks :) happy new year
Oh sir they do not apologize! Only if it's made to make them look good in front of people!
I'm 51 and 6 months ago I stumbled on a video about covert narcissists and blown away!!!! It was my mom in every aspect so now I'm working on healing and understanding that I'm not as crazy as I thought! Thank you!
I think this video is one of the most precise and accurate that I've ever seen! Excellent, thank you very much!! It described my whole 2015, with endless cycles coming from my narcissist mother (and me falling like a moron).
Could you please please pretty please make a video explaining how to avoid or even break the cycle? I know the cycle won't break if you don't feed them with narcissistic supply, but I'm seriously wondering how I'm going to react in the next narcissistic rage (there will be one, I just don't know when :/) - I'm a super responsive (working on that).....
once again thank you very much, congrats for your channel and your videos, they're great!!!
Spot on! How/why can they be fighting in their usual, gaslighting mode, call you names, accuse you of everything under the sun, yet they can go do something(Example-go to the bathroom, run into a convenient store) and literally act like NOTHING ever happened! No apologies, no feeling bad...Do they really forget or blackout?I understand the lack of empathy, but are they NOT capable of feelings towards another?
It's very easy. You are merely a convenience to them. Emotional supply. You are an empty vessel, a mirror to reflect back to them what they want to see. They don't care about you.
Have you ever seen a situation where they changed their ways?
There are parts missing in their brains. They can't change their ways.
And they will play on the fact that you think they can.
I believe, like most things that happen which we all call mental illness(And, yes, I believe in Medication/therapy,etc.),some sort of trauma must have happened in their childhood. Or, like Eric Erickson's Stages of Social-Emotional Development, if any of those stages or the childs' needs were not met, that may cause what ever imbalance they have maybe mentally to trigger negative behavior. A person isn't born like this are they?
Well, since I'm bringing up my son who has never met his father, and I will bring him up with ots of love, compassion, empathy and yet discipline, I'll let you know. :)
This was freakishly familiar and enlightening. I took notes to help my brain retain the information.
The narc wrath was unbelievable to me. I could not believe the behavior!
Thinking you can tame a narcissist is just like trying to tame a tiger. Sure it might go OK for a while but they will go for your throat when you least expect it. The only sane thing to do is go no contact. None, zip, nada.
No More I'd rather risk the tiger than a narc
The analogy of a tiger is not fair on such a magnificent animal. Tigers are honest, they kill for food and will defend their young. The narc is just a narc. Nothing is lower than a narc.
So helpful especially the " getting a rise" comment as I lived with one as a child and she did this. She had a gentle first husband and then married one after he died. This was their banter- getting a rise out of each other. You gave me a laugh. They are both dead. I am living in the wake of their destruction and have attracted many narcissists. I never knew the term.
I have a in-law currently going through a extended cycle right now. He is even documenting it on UA-cam. Kinda scary and sad at the same time.
The delegation of emotions is a pattern I've seen too, whether it is negative OR positive emotions, whether it is anger, sadness or elation.
Great insight and knowledge . Very helpful Thankyou so much .
Here is one incidence I experienced that describes what you are talking about: I had a bunch of valuables in hock. I had been struggling financially for awhile and had pawned some things to keep up with the bills.
Unbeknownst to me, the narc got all my stuff out of hock.
Then he pushed all my buttons, aggravating me, belittling me, until I couldn't take it anymore, and I let him have a piece of my mind. Then, with much fanfare and pathos he retrieves all the stuff he got out of hock for me, becoming the victim.This was after hours and hours of arguing and fighting, I was exhausted. Talk about feeling weird.
The other part of the story is that the reason I was struggling financially was that we had four kids and he wouldn't work to provide for the family, so I was trying to do that. He had money because he wouldn't pay the bills. So he created the problem, then 'solved' it by making me feel bad. Go figure.
Brilliant dude and spot on, well dun. Pastor Alex.
you are so right about the head movment, of the NARC, wow
a perfect picture i definitely relate to, and the check on my thoughts i have to show on paper a profile of them and a profile of me. telling them that its they who have the identity issues. and i know factually who i am. give back my property, people and identity at my earned status, now cinderella, and a label.
brilliant, as per usual. thanks.
This is perfection.