A Narcissist's Denial and How They Justify Abuse
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- Any attempt to describe narcissists runs into contradictions because they're contradictory. First you have to explain how they reason so what they do makes sense to them.
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they'll accuse you of everything they're doing themselves
They're projection machines.
My mom likes to say "you never had a natural motherly instinct!"
O really ?? Really sounds like a guilty conscience there "mother"
Absolutely projection machines! YES!!!
and when you explain that to them, the spin is so intense and dizzying..and beware of the denial with a smile.
I know some people do like that.They don't want to feel guilty so they blame others instead.
That moment when you start to see through them is the moment you begin to open the cage they've put you in!!
Great comment Anne.
Why does it take so long to see. I guess when the student is ready the theater will come
Yesss im starting with my father
Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets :
- Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
- When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
- Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
- They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
- Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
- They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
- Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
- They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
- They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
- Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
- Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
- When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
- Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
- They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
- They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
- They think they are models to be followed.
- They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.
Share this plz, you could be saving someone else's sanity.
Oblivion Darkheart I wanted to share all of what u listed because I been going thru this hell for 20 yrs off and on not so much but when I made the horrible mistake of getting into a relationship solely with him allowing him to move into my home w my children I did not know he was this person till I allowed him into my home and my life full time and by the 2 nd year the destruction of my life began the loss of everything good in my life began and continued for 11 yrs my home my kids my sanity my reputation my health I have for the last 3 yrs been trying to get out of this hell trying to escape the torture my health is so bad now caused by all the stress the distress the pain the hurt the depression I know it has happened I now understand the reason which was very hard to pinpoint because he is also a drug addict who has been abusing drugs for 20 yrs so much confusion being an addict myself but sober myself since 96 and of course he justified his behaviors his abuse his total disregard for my safety and even my life by blaming on his problem w addiction the confusion as an addict while I was using never imagined doing the things to my family or ppl I love or my kids that he never seemed to have a problem doing so freely with no type of remorse or guilt at all complete lack of empathy also I know many addicts the worst of addicts deeper into the throws of addiction and yet never met one with such a disregard for any human suffering caused...I didn't know about npd came across the info searching for answers I knew it had to be some type of mental issue as well believed he was just a soulless evil person he is leaving for inpatient drug treatment today and this I feel is my escape from this tortorous hell of abuse...I would not wish this type of suffering on any human being however I do wish he does one day somehow finds some help or realises he needs help beyond just rehab for drugs but although I know now it is some form of mental issue on his part and honestly I have felt hatered toward him ma y times id be bullshitting u and myself if I said I no longer love this sick person when I have loved him since I was 19 and I'm now 47 but I know for my own safety my sanity and to rebuild my life and get better there is no other option what's so ever to never let him know that never say it out loud never act as if I do and keep that love locked away hidden and at a very huge distance from him...I don't know how or where to begin to heal from this level of damage but I intend to live my life with as much peace stability and normalcy as I can because I never even want to imagine myself in this situation or hell or do anything to subject myself to living in that way ever again...it is literally exactly like living in hell or being dead with just a shell of a body existing...
Spot on.
Oblivion Darkheart yesss my ex is everything here
You described my mother, or better said... Satan.
You just described my now ex boyfriend of 5 years.How can i be so dumb to waste my 5 years in depression and pain😶😶
I was reading an article recently that talked about how the disordered character knows what they're doing. They hold everyone else to the standards that they easily circumvent. Theirs is a character problem. It's not that they don't know it's wrong, it's that they feel entitled to abuse, exploit, harm others. It is a problem in their value system. They have no empathy, therefore, they do not feel remorse. When they deny something, they know it.
wow. do you mind sharing the article you read? seems very very interested! thanks much!
yes
they DO know what they're doing. that's one of the things that differentiates them from people on the autistic spectrum. They enjoy causing people pain. Their apologies are completely self serving. They LIKE causing discomfort and then accusing the person they've hurt of bring over sensitive. They LIKE forgetting your birthday, your anniversary, presents that you've bought them.
the read on they are so successful is that the rest of us find it impossible not to believe that deep down they aren't sorry. We empaths are looked upon as gullible idiots. We try yo understand them and they spit in our faces. Yes they have usually had terrible childhoods but that doesn't justify their behaviour. We (the empaths) justify their behavior by explaining it away and going back for more anguish and buying into their CRAP. Why do we do this? Because WE were groomed in early childhood to do this. but we CAN recover. I have recovered and aged 60 I've never known such happiness. Im free.
Those of us who have recovered all seem to want to help others to recover from their terrible situation
I adore Dr. Simon, his work has contributed so much understanding, only thing I can't trust with his teachings is that they CAN be treated effectively IF they want to be or have a pressing consequence if they don't. I just can't buy that it's not another con, that they pretend to be cured. It was in a recent (June 2016) interview on another channel.
+Ashley Smith hmm. my personal experience is that they are clever duplicitous and Machiavellian. they act in which ever way they believe is the most expedient. I will never trust any of the narcissists I've met again
once you have been mentally emotionally tortured, heart broken, smear campaigned , lies about, lied about, your brain is beyond mush, your always bewilered, you've been strung along so long...been thru it. when you finally see what they are. Thank God. you have cleared your head, you have to have time away to really see it. run like hell
the disorder is denial taken to the extreme, i don't know how to describe it. it's like watching somebody fall apart and break everything around, and all being too proud to think it's a mess.
Runenut perfectly said! Nailed it!
This is exactly true!!! I just realized this today in fact. They do this so thay can deny & feel in control. (Feel In control) seems to be an enough or a payoff somehow
Not only will narcissists not change, they delight in frustrating their victims with the hope that things can be different
Worst is being in the car (it's like you are stuck with them in a cage!!!) (insults aimed at you,telling you what they think is "best" for you , cursing people out, out the window, embarrassing you in public! You end up suffering from all kinds of ailments after spending time with thrm
Yep my ex partner used to start the silent treatment the moment we'd get in the car for long trips. He thought I was his possession; someone to control and manipulate. Wasted ten years but was smart enough not to marry him. He's been divorced five times since then.
my narc ex done all the above plus they were previously a driving instructor and i felt i was sitting a driving test every time i was at the wheel......i was mad to feel so nervous before i even turned the key,was continually judged and of course i could never be perfect in their eyes.........so i failed my test every trip sometimes id do things to piss them off intentionally so i could hear the predictable rants.......im surprised i was allowed to drive my own car with them in the passenger seat as i felt like a child.......perhaps its because i was being used as a free taxi for them to get from A to B.
OMG yes! I spent 6 hours with N driving home to NY from Maine while she was in a rage. It was the worst experience. She claimed all kinds of nonsense including that I was really kidnapping her! I was trapped in that car with a raging Narc and often feared she would grab the wheel and cause us harm. I mostly just kept silent. It was extremely scary.
omg yes! reading this made my stomache churn. Ive been free for a while now but still strive to understand what happened to me. I'd forgotten the intense fear and anguish (and often violence!) that was being in a car with a narc! you're completely right about being caged. i flat out refused to go on the car with him near the end. had more near death experiences than i care to remember let alone the barrage of abuse or intimidating silences! amazing how we learn to 'minimise' such extreme abuse. stay strong mate. knowledge is power. you CAN Mend ☺
Amazing how we all have the same experiences. N's act similar right across the board! And you're right, it got to the point that the gas lighting, projection and all the other crap seemed "normal". As I write that I can't believe how much in a fog I was. I'm about 8 months out and still very, very screwed up. So I read and read here and elsewhere to know what happened to me. Was with her 30 years off n on and the last 7 yrs in a close relationship. Almost got married. Thank God I didn't!!!!!
You are super smart. It's like a record on repeat, living with a narcissist. The same crazy behavior over and over again. I left my ex yrs ago and I am positive he's living the exact same way. All talk, no action. Nothing changes.
Always, always record when you are alone with a narcissist (or anyone who berates you or rages at you). Record them when they are on the telephone, keep all of their e-mails and record them in person. They can't squirm out of the truth that way. Look at the narcissist as a criminal: if you thought a crime was going to be committed by two strangers on a street, and that the criminal would try to hide his dirty deeds, you would take out your cell phone, wouldn't you? I think you have to do that with a narcissist too.
I recently recorded a borderline in an abusive rage (telephone call) who was feeling pretty darned empowered by raging. When she found out I had recorded her, she become like a little girl: "Don't hurt me!" As if the truth will hurt her. The truth hurts these kinds of people because their lies make them feel safe.
Game over.
Good video topic!!
I got an app on my mobile when I ended my relationship that records every call automatically. He's called me hundreds of times, almost all of them I didn't answer but it's all recorded. I don't answer my landline because it's a pain in the neck to record it and I've saved every message he's sent to me (using every means possible) so I have a record. I've also written down all the things he's said and done that is abusive because I don't trust him whatsoever and don't know if I'll ever need to rely on the information at some point in the future as proof of his abuse.
+Ronnie Lesley could you tell me the app you used? I think that is a fantastic idea, because the verbal abuse happens when nobody's looking. thanks much!
+Ronnie Lesley could you tell me the app you used? I think that is a fantastic idea, because the verbal abuse happens when nobody's looking. thanks much!
Hi to both of you and my apologies for not replying sooner. The app is called Smart Voice Recorder and I've just noticed when I was looking for it is that I have 33 hours of recordings since we split a year ago!
Ronnie Lesley wow could probably make a real good movie with all those audios lol
they're abusers who see the world inside out. They feel abused while they're being abusive.It kind of reminds me of tiny children who are not sophisticated enough to realise that it's obvious when they're lying..
They control the past. Yes exactly. They will bombard you with the most outrageous insults and wild, false accusations and then, sometimes only minutes later, deny having said any such thing, insisting that YOU were the aggressor. When you try to hold them accountable they will accuse you of being hostile and starting a fight! This sort of behaviour has to be seen to be believed. It would be humorous if it wasn't so very, very damaging.
They contradict everything they have said before, even in the same conversation. Mine tries to tell me constantly I said things I never said.
Yes that is exactly what mine used to do. He would say something horrible and untrue. I would get upset and say that's not true. Then he would deny that he said it and tell me I said something awful which I had NOT said and would NEVER say to him or to anyone! Then, when I told him no, I did NOT say that he accused ME of calling HIM a liar!!! Go figure. It's insane. I left him 18 months ago, best thing I have ever done for myself and my family. After 10 years of this insane abuse I am now happier and healthier than ever and have no regrets.
Xena Jade my mom says i beat her up through a text message lol
I was wondering what they'd say if I told one of 'em, "YOU owe ME an APOLOGY!" Never tried it 'cause it's a given that they never say sorry.
The narc ex-husband actually believed he had authority over me. I could not figure out why he thought this. Was it misogyny or male chauvinism? At times I'd just humor him. My own father never even treated me like that when I was a child. How then does this husband think what he is doing is okay? He didn't "look" insane but he was/is. When ppl ask why we got divorced, I tell them he became mentally ill.
I always struggle in differentiating these types of individuals. I can't decide to deem them either as mentally-ill or primitive selfish assholes, lol.
Not mentally ill, criminally insane. There's a difference.
Wasn't misogyny or chauvinism, he was just being a dick. There are plenty of awesome men out there. All the best! 😊
Randy Andretti yes. That's their huge sense of entitlement and feelings of grandiosity. I think it's a reaction to or a defense for their huge feelings of inadequacy, failure and insecurities. My ex N thought he had full authority over me from the beginning; thought he owned my home, children and even my grandchildren. It's very extreme and very noticeable. I think I survived because I remained defiant. I also believed that my ex N hated women and blacks.
TCAP Guild I call them the true definition of evil.
I had a Demon Narc ex-boyfriend that always talk about his ex girlfriend in his past, talking about how crazy they were and physically abusive to him. He would say the girlfriends always accuse him of cheating on them. When he know that he was doing that to his ex-girlfriends. I do Believe that some of them did get physical with him at one point because they make you come out of character with all the Gaslighting, manipulation, lies sleeping around etc... All this things he was doing to me and it was getting worse by months. He made me come out
of character a few times and he got a few punches thrown at him. No Contact with this walking demons. NARC FREE FOREVER!!!!
I used to watch my ex pull a "duck and dodge" routine if I attempted to discuss anything of a more than superficial nature. He would automatically bring up another topic and use that "head thing" you talked about and a current of anger to switch me off topic. I got to the point where as I saw this routine happen I would calmly say, "that's not what I was talking about" and bring the subject back to where I had started. It was rather fascinating to see the transference being attempted.
They are giving back what they experienced but they will not believe they are.
It is definitely a pathology. I went through my ex's family photos and his mother looked like she hated being a mother. Some of the stories he told me about his growing up years supported that she was abusive, cold and mean. Once the boys hate their mothers for whatever, they treat their wives just the same. Reliving it. If a man tells you he hates his mother, believe him and run.
My ex from time to time "opened up" and confessed all the bad things that he had been doing and thinking. Like cheating on me, like living life in a manner that he described as pushing the right buttons in others to get the effect they wanted. These moments of openness felt very real, he seemed so true, and he would bring it as if it happened long long time ago, and I would go with this lie, because it could have been only yesterday that these things happened, and they happened again and again after this confession. I ruined myself believing in this person, who always claimed that being trusted was the most important thing in is life, being clear was his goal. These weren't only lies, the opposite was true. He was always hiding stuff, and he was never trustworthy. He could not help it, he had to destroy my boundaries, my believes, my personality. Being around a narcissist is very dangerous for people who want to believe in the kindness of others. They will never receive what they need
Your experience parallels mine! Thank you for writing that ! xx
This:
"Being around a narcissist is very dangerous for people who want to believe in the kindness of others."
That's precisely the mistake I made, and I'm (still) paying for it now. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have even bothered. But no, I had to learn about abuse and manipulation the hard way, and just wake up and run like hell before it was far too late.
Yea my husband is a narc and also confessed his serial cheating!! And continued to do so after the confession as well!! And he was always telling me "I don't talk just to talk" yea lies
This is exactly what I've experienced with my soon to be ex husband .. It has been the biggest mind fuck of my entire life.. Still can't believe these people actually exist
+Kelsey Bean wow so many of us with eerily similar experiences 😐😑Thank god for this community I thought I was losing my mind for sure ! Smh biggest problem I have now is custody of our two kids not sure how long the fight will be he refuses to pay me any child support and doesn't even care to see them 😢😔my poor babies
I think to some degree some of them if not all of them are fully aware of what they are saying and doing. Notice how they conduct themselves around others. And you note that they are behaving very differently. This suggests to me they have at least on some level self awareness and control. But like you I am not a psychiatrist. So you are right, it's not quite clear yet to me either. But I think that we are both realizing that they do tend to have more control than we think.
Yes, I agree about some of them being aware; I have seen the smirk and heard the devious glee in her voice too many times when being told a lie (often a vicious lie about another person), to think this is unconscious behavior.
The only line they avoid crossing is getting caught. That is why they isolate the target and lie etc etc
They are sickening human beings
When they do the editing, which is gaslighting, you sometimes get lucky finding contradictions by being observant. Because they see you as mere object, or toy, at one point, they start not expecting you to be smart enough to catch their lies. And they do it too much, too far. So astonishing their actions are like copies of each other.
Yeah their classic comeback is 'It's not me it's you!' It's still them!
That is the truth. Control not real love.
the X had always terrified me in horrible ways, I had to leave to preserve my sanity to not be in their deviant and evil world.
I knew it wasn't me 💔
So unbelievably painful and crazy to have a normal mind and the true memories of a marriage with a Narc and how much you tried and tried to make it work. And yet they say they were great and wonderful husband and that I was %100 the cause of the divorce! No closure for me ever from him, I want to hear him say he was wrong and see the good person I am and how much I loved him and tried everything. But thank goodness slowly I'm giving up on that thought.
Dr. Elsa Ronningstam Ph. D said in a lecture that individuals with NPD typically struggle to identify facial expressions of shame and fear in photographs. That to me sheds some insight as to just how deeply embedded the denial is.
I wonder if brain scans show abnormalities in narcissists' brains as they do sociopaths' . There are studies linking narcissism to heredity in 70% of cases. The two disorders carry down through both sides of my family; such fun.
They create the trauma bond then complain when they get hit. Don't try & argue with a narcissist, they are better at it, been practicing since age 3, you just can't beat that.
One of the most difficult things for me to deal with has been his ability to distort reality, even right in the midst of the event. You would think he would be able to reason that not enough time had passed to make it possible to deceive you about the events that had taken place just minutes or even seconds before. The crazy thing is that after you experience this "gas lighting?" enough times you actually start to believe that maybe you can't trust your own perceptions. He nearly drove me crazy before I figured out what was going on.
Go no contact, they still will try to notify you with that family crap but they ruined it so no contact puts the blame back on them for their actions.
I finally realized that no matter what I did or didn't do they still abused me.
I was inspired to write this after a lifetime of victim blaming!
End victim blaming and shaming in situations of abuse and violence! This is an important cultural change we need to hold perpetrators responsible, not victims.
End victim blaming and shaming by diagnosing "codependency."
"Codependency" and "enabling" are wrongly conflated with "asking for it" when it comes to examining any passive 'role' in survivors of abuse. Unfortunately, when a victim seeks help to learn about family and cultural programming that normalizes boundary violations, they are blamed for intentionally seeking, enabling, co-conspiring, tolerating, perversely enjoying, and asking for those very boundary violations. This the mindset that enables rape culture.
Codependency is not a term that should result in victim-blaming for missing the red flags of abuse. Codependency is simply the predisposition and grooming of victims for tolerating abuse through prior experiences, formative relationships, and cultural norms, such as gender roles. "Enabling" is not a sign of low self esteem, a desperate choice of bad partners, or poor boundaries in healthy relationships with healthy people. Codependency is a blind spot when healthy boundaries are chronically, systematically violated, discouraged, or denied in the family system or culture. ("Boys will be boys" is one example of denying healthy boundaries to girls, who may then be victim-blamed and accused of enabling rape culture by not taking adequate "precautions" around boys.)
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For a family example, a mother who is unable to connect emotionally with her child due to her own unresolved problems may project blame onto the child - the baby is too demanding, independent, colicky, prefers the father/babysitter, etc. As the child grows up, it is continually blamed for the mother's emotional distance and any distressful reactions this causes in the child. If the child has trouble in other relationships - naturally or as a result of the parental experience - that is more proof that the child is deficient and unworthy of connection. An older child who is not yet partnered or married may be stigmatized as a spinster, unlovable, ugly duckling, loner, loser, etc by the problem parent, backed up by cultural norms.
Unfortunately, people who bravely seek help and realize lifelong external messages of unworthiness and inequality are then diagnosed and blamed as codependent or enablers. These terms are used wrongly as intentionally avoiding healthy relationships due to low self esteem or mental illness, purposefully seeking abusive and controlling people to replay "drama" from past partners/parental figures instead of seeking to resolve it, denying " love addiction" to abusive relationships, immaturity, etc. None of this could not be further from the truth. If victims repeat patterns and realize their blind spots, it is far from intentional or a sign of weakness - it is only a sign of fighting external conditioning. Unfortunately, it is at this point of realization, when a victim seeks help to learn about family and cultural programming that they are blamed for causing and choosing it, for participating in it - intentionally seeking, enabling, co-conspiring, tolerating, perversely enjoying, and asking for those boundary violations.
End victim-blaming and shaming!!!
This example is my story, my mother, the abuser us backed by the whole family & people from neighborhood, as she is kind , humble & etc to them, not only that she is incredibly loving to my brother, however she has passed several covert messages to me of being unworthy & unlovable, extremely defensive she is, when confronted she has swift answers as if she had been waiting for me to question her, she & the rest of the family know my weakness & strength thanks to her, she has allowed everyone to trample me, everyone uses these to justify their actions!
its also tragic thar of all the types of people in the world, only codependents (who have generally suffered enough already) really get suckered in by the narcissist. It's never going to be a fair fight...
One of the narcissists I regularly deal with says, "That never happened". Well, what did I bring it up for? The last time, I brought something up so this person would know what she did, that was causing her to be shunned so badly by a person she wanted to have a closer relationship with.She was always saying how"close they were" & what "good friends they were", & how "they would do anything for each other". Everybody knows none of that is true. One cannot just create their own reality. I thought it was making her look naive and uninformed, to say the least. But she shut me right down; doesn't need my help. ..probably doesn't really care how close she is with this other person in the first place!
Narcissist indirectly tell on themselves, sometimes I think they do it out of paranoia and sometimes I think it's out of covert passive, aggressive mind games and smug satisfaction, they will most likely continue this cycle with another prey. They will justify it and move that line you talked about to suit any particular situation.
You just described life with my mother. I like your calm, rational style---thank you for these.
It's funny that the things with annoyed my narc the most (like hypocrite people, people who took advantage of him and people with "fake beliefs" and "irrational reasoning": he was a proud "militant atheist" on Facebook aha) were in the end his exact character traits. At the beginning he would always say to me "I do as I say, say as I do" but in the end whenever he'd complain about someone being delusional / a hypocrite, I'd smile and tell him "If you're so pissed off about it, then you should understand these people are acting like you, entitled to their own well being. You always need to be the one suffering from an action to understand how it hurts !"
Then he would get pissed off and tell me I thought of him as a Pavlov dog who needed suffering and training in his life. Back to me being the mean one. I hadn't read much about narcissism, I thought of him as "immature and driven by impulses of immediate pleasure" so I thought that eventually, someday, somewhat, he'd notice this cognitive dissonance. Of course he got worse.
They put forth the opposite of the true story... it is absurd; as if the facts didn´t exist-even when you put proofs in front of their eyes( like documents, photos ect.)-you worked that out very well-thank you.
Another excellent analysis, thank you so much. I am reminded of the way that little children think that if they cover their eyes no one can see them. If you try to pull their hands away they will scream the place down. Maybe they are doing what we are all doing, trying to be OK, it's just that their toddler mind doesn't understand that it is not OK to hurt others in order to get what you want. They just don't get that, because they didn't develop far enough to see that others are just as worthy of happiness as they are.
You are spot on regarding the arbitrary justifying mark/line. I once had a heroin addict friend (not a narcissist), in acknowledging how he'd thrown his life and his gifts down the toilet, say to me "Listen, whatever else, I've never attacked an old lady for her purse!" I've heard a narcissist blame a letter from the power company for their having told a series of pernicious lies about a family member to another family member. What a load of crap!
Someone I knew who lived for nearly 50 years with someone I now realize is a narcissist once said to me, "You can't save - insert name here - from themselves, but you can save yourself."
I always look forward to your films, they are very helpful :)
They are fixed in there belief that they will never be able to find happiness so they are determined to drag every last one of us down with them to the depths of hell! 😡
They are fixed in there belief that they will never be able to find happiness so they are determined to drag every last one of us down with them to the depths of hell! 😡
I knew of a guy who was behind a building on the strip with a hooker, then the woman called the cops on him,& reported that he wouldn't pay her. And that he'd stolen a purse that night. Well, the cops came out & found him immediately, because he was still in the area, & was wearing a bright yellow baseball cap. He ended up in jail, saying, "I didn't pay the hooker, but I never snatched no purse!" Then he married a young girl I knew, my friend's niece, because he was the father of her baby; conceived when she was 15. Then, she insisted I be the baby's godmother, then took it back. And that's just one story I know.
My narc would do passive aggressive insults until I would finally snap and confront her. But it would always lead to her telling me that I'm the angry one and I'm the one that's hurt her over and over again. Yet, when I would ask for an example she couldn't give me one, she would just rage at me or continue gas lighting the current argument/situation.
Thank you for your very informative observations in narcissistic abuse. Currently I find myself under attack by 2 individuals with NPD. My mother,and neighbor. I am at this time reaching out for help to save my mind from further damage.
This video is exactly how it works! I have not heard it described any better. They never say what they mean, and never mean what they say! My problem guy lives next door. He owns his house, My elderly parents and I rent and have a good thing where we are and cant afford to move.
The crazy BS thats gone on everyday for the last 7 years is like a circus!! He sucks the life out of me if I dont answer my phone he comes to my window.He is relentless and ridiculous. There is NO winning with him.
Definitely a pattern!!! Then you look at the whole picture and wow. Aha moment for sure
Just a small instance of something he did: one time I "made him mad" so he went out angry driving in a snow storm and crashed his brand new Subaru. He blamed it on me because "I" made him mad. The reason I made him mad? I caught him texting multiple women inappropriately. Lol They will say anything to take the responsibilities of their actions off of themselves.
Totally describes my mother.
the reason why they say the total opposite of what's actually going on in their lives is because they believe that to be the perfect smoke screen. who would guess the thing they're accusing you of is the very thing they do!
Wow! You have a gift. It never changes, I'm hurting, kids are done begging me to leave, he doesn't care, and yes, he's getting worse everyday. You are an angel to me, and I thank God for this channel. Thank you.
Amazing! You nailed it again. I'm so blown away how their behaviors are so
consistent, predictable, abusive and crazy-making. Exhausting. Thank you!!
Wow, so many words of truth about how narcs operate. Thanks for verbalizeing and describing the " craziness" that is often illusive when dealing with a narcissist. What was so sad in the reconnecting with my narc Mom after decades of low and contact is that I was willing to, and already had, moved on from the past. All my mom had to do was to stop going there, dredging up her version of things that happened. There was enough blank space between our old relationship and our new one that I did not have a problem keeping the doors of the past shut and moving on. But with a narc there is no freedom from the past - ever - and you are always the "bad guy" when their recollections come up. All my mom had to do was just be quiet about the past and enjoy her life. Every conversation turned into a "crying jag" about how I left her when I was 16 or how my brothers and I ruined her life, ya da ya da ya da. In stead of us checking out the yard sales or going to the fruit stand or just watching the boats on the pier (like the relationship I had with my mother in law before she died), my mom just wanted to rehash junk that did not matter, to me at least, and hold me captive to her utter misery. She could not help herself.
They love to live in the past. Bring up topics that makes them feel good or build up their ego. And always gaslight you, when something is mentioned about your past. The past is the reality they live in most of the time. What they did, what they want, what they think is all good is all about them. Everyone else are just pawns in a chess game. Disheartening, because they don't care about anyone but themselves, even though they say they do. I notice also Narcs are not very affectionate people, and if so, its only in a selfish way. These people are really crazy in more ways than one and its so very sad. Life is precious and wive on this planet for a short time and this is how they spend it destroying others.
correct:
'live'... on this planet
It's their job. Misery loves company. If anything I have learned through this experience it is this: Never be with someone you feel pity for. Never be with someone you feel sorry for. They put on this facade of being victimized after they discard their last partner. Nope, nope, nope.
OMG my ex-husband narcissist completely has rewritten our marriage history it's incredible thank you I have to say that is great for me to hear it. He says it was 12 years of s**t and I quote, and when I showed him years worth of anniversary cards Mother's Day cards that he had written to me saying what a great wife I was, what a great mother I was, he literally said that he wrote that stuff because he was hoping that I would become that!
I really like the way you bring in the distinction between the home environment and a court of law. So many painful things happen when they are alone with you that someone would shout an emphatic "objection" to when others are in a public setting watching carefully as to what is allowable and what is only fair. Little minds are all ALONE in those traumatic moments when two parents, narc and their enabler, have you trapped and blame you one after the other as they lay their burdens and frustrations on you to bear for now in the situation at hand but also for always as that moment lives on and on into adulthood until someone reaches back to help you free your from shame and blame. Courts are great for comparison because at least they are set up somehow on the notions of rights and responsibilities, something narc victims completely are unaware of, and carefully kept unaware of. My narc had me so completely ashamed of my needs and deep in guilt for not meeting those of theirs! But fairness was not a value in our house.
It felt like I was always on trial with a lunatic partner who was getting worse by the day. How can a normal person live a normal life in a Narcissist's chaotic world?
the memories aren't necessarily there in the first place... they sometimes seem to use their imagination as something that really happened, they also try to implant false memories and project onto you what they are doing.... no matter where they came up with it... they do use it as lines and bend and mold it to fit there needs and justify themselves so they can then blame you... in the end they have to be right
I find it so easy listening to you. You clarify and clear my mind more and more about my crazy mixed up family. I still suffer guilt and loss though of recently cutting off my mother. Its so darn hard though coming to terms with that not one member of my family and even my own 3 adult children that I cant have a decent relationship with. I know I will become stronger and just pray for my family. Wanting the best for them and forgive them all, even though there is so much injustice and it hurts so bad. Keep up the great videos...Kim
I just wanted to let you know that I SO relate to everything you just said here. I know how hard this is (what you're talking about) because I'm living with that, too and trying to find my way through this. I struggle with the guilt and other feelings that get me down a lot, too.
It comforts me to know that I'm not alone. I hope you find some comfort in that too! Be kind to yourself, I hope you have some supportive people around you. Take care, Love and hugs Kim
kim angus ~ I heard we'd be doing them a favor, something drastic (WE feel) like no contact. They'd have a reason, & maybe the time to take a look at themselves.
You have me hanging on every single word..! I am so grateful to have found your channel..! You aren't really telling me anything that I did not already know deep within the core of my being, however, I have been filled with such self doubt and have been questioning my own sanity for such a long time.. hearing all that I believe to be the absolute truth, coming from you.. a calm, sensible voice of reason.. This is having an incredibly profound impact in my thinking and in gaining the much needed strength and clarity to believe in myself again! Your videos are such a blessing!!! I am so very grateful..! Thank you!!!!
Sorry, I have to say it one more time(just finished watching). Seriously, Scott...SO good.
She once told me to stop accusing her of unkind behaviour and to go and sort myself out
Excellent! You are SPOT ON here. I've a lot more to say but for now, I will just sum it up with that.
I seriously have listened to this particular video now like 3 times and probably will a few more. Why! Because it's THAT good and (for me, at least) it's THAT important to internalize this information.
This video and the others in this channel have benefitted me as much as a therapist would do. They have helped me solve the mystery of my relationship with a narcissist and I have found all the missing pieces of this puzzle! I have to thank you deeply!
It’s an extraordinarily accurate description and I am completely blown away by the accuracy of the narcissistic state of being.
Sensitive, loving people are struck hardest by narcissist on a number of counts. Loving people fall deeper in their traps and stay longer, and they are more unaware to the base trickery narcissist wield bc it is so unfamiliar to them. When I was in college I studied narcissism and knew many narcissists - including a roommate. I was dumbfounded by the way he could not see his predicament or the way he was downwardly spiraling - obvious to everyone but him. And he could not understand me, bc he did not know love. He died in a car accident a couple years after college.
Thank you for your videos. I am a recovering enabler. Though I have read much on the subject, both in and out of the relationship, your take on this gives me the
confidence I need to heal. Every you said is bang on. It
took me15 years to get it. I moved miles away and starting over. Yes, l still get phonecalls and hear the whining on the other end, and get tempted to hear the
cries for help. But l also hear the insincerity and realise
that this person would never want a healthy lifestyle.
Long before I knew anything about narcissism, I had names for all the weird things I witnessed. The retro-editing you referred to, the rewriting of the (sometimes immediate) past, I saw so much of, and my name for that was "communist Russia". When I used to use that expression to describe what I was witnessing, he would just look at me blankly. At the time that added to the weirdness, but I think now it's because someone calling him out on his weird behaviour had probably happened so many times before that he would just wait for it to stop - and then of course even the calling him out would be subjected to the communist Russia treatment and it would be as if it never happened. No wonder living with one of these people makes you feel crazy...
They all get the blank stare when caught in a lie or logical fallacy. It's them spinning their mental wheels in panic. Trying to get out of it.
Exactly!! This is the best description of it I have heard yet!
This is everything I"ve realized today. This so indescribable if you will what one goes through in every interaction with them. You cannot get to a place of progress or solution with a narc. Underlying element is we are responsible to fix them when they refuse the fix.
Scott you hit the nail on the head, thanks to you, our problem child as I call him is seen very differently now and still feeling relief like I can't describe in words......much easier to deal with now. You keep doing what you do and I'll keep watching, this video is what we're dealing with.
Thank you for this piece of heaven. I've been married to a narcissist for 23 years, but I've been with him for 25 years. You spoke volumes especially when you said they say and want you to believe that they're working on a problem or character flaw but never really are. I've been dealing with his lying and cheating for 25 years. He promises change, but change never came. I realized two weeks ago that this man isn't capable of growing, loving, caring, or respect. The diabolical, Insidious, horror that he's put me through over the years, not even you would believe it. I've been in and out of therapy trying to understand how I got here and trying to make piece with the fact that I've wasted 25 years of my life with someone that I thought loved me. He was such a chameleon. My whole life with him has been a facade. I decided no more two weeks ago. I'm not in a position to go no contact yet, but I'm gray rocking the shit out of him and for the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like myself again and I can smile again.
Thank you so much for this video. You are so spot on... This is very helpful for what I just went through. Keep helping others see... Peace and balance....
God...this kicks ass, your videos keep getting better and better and it's exactly relevant to what's going on in my life.
Your videos have helped through troubled times.
Thank You
Mike
Yes , they are always adamant that they hate liars!!! Or cheating !!!
I can't even say how much I love this channel. Thank you
your videos have been so helpful to me, dealing with my narc at work. thank you
I would really like to acknowledge your understanding of narcissists. You unveil things I have never heard before.
I have been also raised in a narcissistic household and kept on putting myself in similar situations until.... Well is it all over yet?!
What is crucial to your explanations is that you show why it has some kind of meaning all this which we had to experience otherwise nobody would see it. Thank you so much. You talk out of wisdom which one only gains through going through all these emotions. You are really strong💪
Wow, you really know what you are talking about! Thank you for making and sharing these videos!
Scott, your presentations are so very clarifying and validating. Thank you so much for sharing your insightful gift of understanding.
Thank you for your wonderful insight.(At 7:17 the word "concern") A narc family member has targeted me since childhood and her favorite statement & WORD is,, "I have a CONCERN"... or "I am CONCERNED that so & so will ....". Her "CONCERN" spurs a manipulating doubt in others to control them against me or whoever she targets. It is a word that "hooks" her flying monkeys and enablers who then fall into alignment in her manipulations against whoever she targets. And, I'm SURE she's aware she's doing it but boy, is she GOOD at it. And, they follow blindly in her cult.
I enjoy and gain knowledge from every video you do. It's slowly helping me understand and cope with a narcissistic mom. Thank you.
Thank you for this video and for all the others that you have shared. I find that you are spot on. I hate to see the fear that some of my loved ones live in due to an abusive narcissist. I have become the scapegoat and the target of their smear campaign because they know I can see the games they play and will not put up with it...I see them for who they really are and that scares the hell out of them.
Thank you for another great video Scott. And thanks for elaborating on The Polar Opposites Theory.
Hey I watched your channel for a while when preparing and after leaving the longterm relationship with a narc and it was just what I needed! You get to the point and have really been such a profound source of knowledge that has helped me tremendously. With your videos and other research on the subject I was able to obtain the validation that I was so badly needing and eventually get back to my positive and fulfilling life! Thank you! Thank you so much for what you do, for giving people the knowledge and tools that are honestly extremely helpful and the clean and clear way that you deliver the information! I am back because I have found myself in an entanglement with a covert narc and I probably got in a little too deep but I am now out of the situation, brushing up on my knowledge and of course I am back to the channel that helped me in the past and I just felt like I wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated, how much you are helping people and to encourage you to continue with this work! Thank you again!
Spot on! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting into words what I have been living through. I only wish others around him understood. But at least I do.
You are goooooood. On point. Knowledge ON POINT!! Thank you for you helpful videos.
this video is 100% accurate. great job Scott.
Wow, what a great video. Definitely one to listen to a few times 🙏 thank you
Great job once again, Scott!
do they know they are behind all the crazy crap they blame on you or are they convinced that it's not them??
I think the awareness comes and goes.
Bingo.
+Mary S. I agree with you.They attempt to manipulate it and make everyone misunderstood. After that everything in our lives get worse . That's what they really want.
I think that for the most part they know what they are doing.
What I've found to be incredibly helpful is self improvement, particularly exercise and meditation. In reality, the narcissist is mildly put, pretty delusional, therefore, by meditating and connecting with reality, you become a force of reality. I've also found in my case, while they are cunning and minipulative depending on your case, mine doesn't exercise, read, or take incredibly good care of themself, therefore their tactics become more crude as I become better. They are not to be underestimated. What I have extrapolated from my experience is if you suspect a narcissist at all, get out quickly and quietly. I have partially unmasked mine and I'm finding them to become increasingly sociopathic, I frankly don't want to find out how deep that rabbit hole goes. A lot of the strange banging sounds as if they're listening to my body language listening for results and crude conversational poking and prodding is draining, but a person can take great solace in connecting with reality as best they can, as much of a mind meld being in the proximity of a narcissist is.
You help soooooo much when healing & understanding. TY v much. Dingwall 🏴
Oh man, this is one to bookmark and listen to 27 times.
Every. single. word. perfectly reflects my 'hall of mirrors' experience.
As usual, so much insight, holy crap!!! The whole thing is amazing, but that's a really good nugget at 9:47.
So strange how they can be so multivarious and cunning in their tactics so much of the time but then -- in just a handful of notable domains -- completely give themselves away for free without even realizing it. _That's_ the part that's really fascinating about them, for me.
[laughing at how horrible it is] It's also part of what's so scary about them: where they demonstrate such a profound unconsciousness. It's stupid, I know, but if they could just stick to being single-mindedly evil masterminds all the time I might in some strange way feel less creeped out by them. I suppose because then at least there would be less chaos induced by being in any way associated with them, and you would not have to feel the horror and isolation of being the only one who fully gets what's going on as you're being victimized.
Thank you for a lovely youtube channel. The info has helped me a lot through these past months.
Now when it comes to justifying ... I think there really is a spectrum and that many sociopaths/narcissists do not even justify their covert sadistic acts.
A wonderful psychology lecturer put it out like this:
The autist wants to be compassionate but often lacks the tool to read other people's feelings.
The sociopath has the opposite issue. Knows very well how others feel, or at least their weaknesses, but lacks the will to do good with that tool.
(I might even add that they are _addicted to_ possessing and hurting people)
Some info I have seen elsewhere, but it still nice to review.
However, at the beginning of your vid here... you are the first one to nail down a tactic of my father -- He's always saying "the past is the past" or "you're living in the past", whenever someone makes a reference to his past and/or spots a trend in his behavior.
I have thought he was a sociopath for a long time now, but now I am pretty sure he is a narcissistic sociopath. Since I have been aware of his mindset, I have caught him lying, gaslighting, pitting one person against another, and just being all around disrespectful to some, while acting like an angel with his "chosen few", as I call them.
That's so true to what is said below , I agree . If I decide to confront my covert narc sister at some point she will deny it, and will not stand for me confronting her narc behaviour. It will all be denial and I will be accused of being paranoid and an angry person . She no doubt will cause me of being of low self esteem . So as I try to confront her she will shake her head and suggest I'm just trouble making and I'm insecure or at least something that could be one of My weaknesses
Your videos are so comforting to me but at the same time just make me disgusted because I have gave my life to a particular narcissist and have wasted YEARS of my life trying to figuring out what in the hell has been happening to me.
Brilliant. I felt you were speaking right to me, and I kept going, yep that's it. Yep, I know just what he means. Incredible how much they are all the same. Just think if they knew!
Omg... he would repetitively talk about his ex wife...the same story...in the last 6 months he repetitively talked about another ex who was getting married... I knew he was very disturbed by this... he talked repetitively about things that bothered him I knew him well enough to know this.
You explain the smallest nuances of NPD...that I experienced with him.... it is amazing how well you know your subject matter.
thank you.
Superb. I have just come across you. Yes to everything.
I think that they DO NOT Remember most of the Disputes between you & them.
What you dispute with the Narcissist would NOT affect them enough for them to think about it.
When you bring it up with them, they just Invalidate what you say by REVERSING your Story, your memory of the Dispute.
The narcissist I'm currently being abused by finally got too far in invading my soul and it/she was SOOO jovial and happy while doing so and of course, had a surface excuse for doing it as well, I felt like I had no choice but to tell the truth in what she/it is doing to me. I said how on the surface you're being nice (most of the time) but in a all these subtle interactions and behaviours and subliminal manipulation tactics you're chipping away at my soul and making me go insane! It's/her response was "there's nothing going on beneath the surface" in a very angry, no angry doesn't even cover it, enraged tone. It was said in a way that made it VEERY clear that this conversation was over or it/she would start punishing me my either not letting me see my friends, not letting me have good food or any other tactic it/she uses to coerce me into doing what it/she wants. Am I the crazy one? Am I the narcissist? I know I have problems and much to improve on as a person but people who are popular think I'm ok. One guy with over a million views on his art page even called me an unsung hero in confidence. Still, how can I doubt myself so much, I don't get it I don't understand what's going on. I'm crying right now as I'm typing this because I feel my whole life is being or is about to be turned upside down in a way it's never been before. It's very confusing, there's even a part of me that WANTS that to happen, and I think that's a good thing (for me, not it/her). I can't believe it/her is a good person any more there's just too much evidence to the contrary but I still can't accept it, even though all this data points to it being true. What the hell is going on with my brain?! It's so used to absorbing information normally but when it comes to listening to and accepting that my mother/female biological contributor is a narcissist it's fighting itself. My logical guess is that it has to break through 24 years of emotional and subtle yet powerful illusions, lies and trickery to discern fact from fiction and my brain doesn't want to do the work. I've watched literally EVERY video on this channel in the course of the last four days and my brain is blocking itself from thinking about what's being said here, I'm not going to stop exposing myself to this but I feel as if my brain is in such rampant self-denial that information can't even reach it anymore. This 24 years of self--sabotage and negative self fulfilling prophecy (created by the narcissist) are going to be the death of me. It's/she's too good at what it/she does. What do I need to do?
SO TRUE!!! Thanks again!!