Mental Illness: No Excuse for Abuse
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- Опубліковано 25 лют 2023
- Autoplastic defenses
Blaming oneself for the consequences and outcomes of one’s own choices and decisions as well as for the outcomes of the choices that others make and even for circumstances beyond one’s control.
A common type of defense in neuroses.
Alloplastic defenses
Blaming others for the predictable consequences and outcomes of your own choices and decisions.
A feature of cluster B disorders.
Examples of alloplastic defenses: “It is their fault, they made me do it”, “They should have been more careful or less gullible”.
Even characters flaws which are rarely associated with psychopathy and narcissism - actually are.
Example:
There are many people who people pleasers and other people who are emotionally dysregulated or delusional or paranoid or narcissistic or passive aggressive or depressive or anxious or …
But all these psychopathologies are often excuses or covers for psychopathic, immoral, antisocial, and narcissistic acts and misconduct. It is a unique combination of both alloplastic and autoplastic defenses.
“Poor me, I am actually the victim of my own proclivities, weaknesses, mental illnesses, and character flaws! People are leveraging and taking advantage of my frailties! I never do wrong! I am never to blame! I am never responsible for my actions! There are higher internal forces at work!”
The need to believe in the essential goodness of people, that the world is essentially just and structured is a bit naïve, of course. Another need is to not feel like a victim: we don’t want to feel stupid, that our judgment is wrong, to suspect that we misapprehend people, that we can and do fall in the hands of predators.
These needs result in a cognitive dissonance when people we have trusted and role models misbehave or betray us: a great unease, a sense of discomfort, an inner conflict.
To allay this, we deceive ourselves in order to mitigate, ameliorate, and overcome this internal upset when we are confronted with the truth. We lie to ourselves, reframe.
So we say: "She is flawed, weak, human, means well, mentally ill, and so in need of love!” or “She is a people pleaser, emotionally dysregulated, depressed, anxious, delusional, or labile”.
Dissonance gone. In reality though, she did victimize you, damage you, prey on you. But she did not mean to, it is not her fault. It was stronger than her, you see.
This is coupled with grandiose autoplastic defenses, the tendency to blame yourself for anything that goes wrong because you need to feel in control: if she acted immorally, it was all my fault, I made her do it, I caused it to happen, I am not the victim, I am the victimizer and the abuser. So, everything is fine: I am the one who talk advantage of the character flaws and mental illness of others, reducing any hero to a common zero. I am still safe and in charge.
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Or "It's not her fault, she was abused in the past." Spot on man.
This mans videos saved me from my narcissistik and abusive relationship. 2 years of watching and i quietly and slowly got out of it👏👏👏👏
Great. I hope you are doing well now.
I was blamed for everything bad in my marriage, every problem with our son, even for having our son (if you can believe this). My ex expected to have the perfect family and the perfect son and when that didn’t happen I suffered greatly because all the blame was directed to me. My ex had a high level anxiety and wanted to control everything to calm his world. When you didn’t comply or did it in the way he thought you should you were criticized. I finally see that that this was ABUSE. I suffered and my son suffered. My ex never took responsibility. We divorced after 30 years.
It took me a long time to work through the self blame. I am not perfect but in no way was responsible for what all he put on me so he could walk away blameless. He is the narcissist, he was the one with disordered thinking.
Brilliant. New age people call this misterious thing as energy, to be indulgent with abusers:" It's not you, just your energy."
Aaahhh my daily dose of clarity!
The real commentary on deeper layers of human nature.
It is profound when you finally start hitting them levels of conciousness. There is alot to be said for you giving back to society, you have been huge part of my healing journey besides intense phycotherapy. Thank you prof sam
omg this is Gold again. Definitely learning to overcome this flawed way of thinking. Separating mental illness from individual doenst work in the longrun.
Acting out and setting boundaries, I did not only cause anger and frustration at my workplace for doing this, but also, which is still interesting to me, very high levels of anxiety in people who felt suppressed the same way. I was very lucky to have a good friend there who defended my/our point of view but it was still a tough way through ignorance and rage that something now had to be done and fear from the other side to get punished even more severely because someone fought back. There are hardly ever people who have a spine.
OMG - Professor, that has been my biggest issue for the whole past year. In March 2022, I was discarded by my 5-year-long boyfriend/fiance. Now, after asking so many questions (on many different forums), like: did he know what he was doing? was it him or his mental disorder? should I blame him at all? etc., you posted the exact answer. Thank you so much!
This needs to be said a thousand times over. Thing is narcissists and psychopaths often 'play both sides' on this issue, when it's their own behaviour in question they expect pity and sympathy and these kinds of justifications. When it's others' behaviour they may even say 'well how can you expect me to just take that as an excuse it's the effect which counts'. Integrity is what tells the difference, are you just opting for the most self-serving principle at a given moment or not?
This is exactly the same as religious people saying “the devil made me do it.”
Nice to have you back!
Was just watching an old video of yours. Synchronicity is not just a word, looks like!
You’re absolutely brilliant and it would be an honour to have you as either a psychologist, or professor. Have you considered offering online counselling?
Your blue professor of psychology 😁🤣🤣🤣
Hello Doctor .can these people be tried in court for abuse please?
12 step concepts of "if I am disturbed, it is because the fault is with me, not the other person"; and "I'm a work in progress"; seem to do this from time to time. " It is all my fault" or it is because I'm an xxxxxxxxx, or I'm a people pleaser, and I'll use that as an excuse-even if I have awareness. I've been in a 12 step fellowship for 31 years, and definitely see the need; but I believe awareness necessitates action on my part towards modification/change. Now, I'll own my judgemental attitude😄. The point is either type of alibi, once I'm aware, I can only find peace in being responsible for my interaction with someone else. Rambling here....but I see your presentation in myself and others in my life daily. Thank you for your information; I've watched several of your videos.
This was a amazing video thank you Dr Sam
Very good video, thank you!
My ex narc partner cane from an african islamic backgroudn. He always blamed the jinn bad spirits and his family doing voodoo on him for being possesed.
My daughter and I escaped and are out now seven years, still both having ptsd and trauma therapy.
The combination of different cultural or religious backgrounds with a personaly disorder is a brutal one. And theres not much information on it. Horrific ten years. Esp since the western psychiatrists dont understand the non western backgrounds and explanations for mental illnesses. Although a narc anywhere in the world would never seek therapy. But themselves “blaming” their moods and abuse on possession is indeed another level of hell for their partner and children.
Perfect illustration of my abuser: the fuhrer.
So Sam am I understanding correctly...people in general (not necessarily with mental health issues) use these defences as a means of protection from daily experiences of bad behaviour, as a way of surviving in the world. Love your channel
Thank you
Love you sam vaknin!!
Thanks
It would be a dream come true for u to fly over to run circles around a narcissist & expose him.
i’ve bought you malignant book it’s brilliant
Thank you.
Thank you Samaharishi.
I dig that last sentence you uttered & really appreciate it.
When you’re at the point where the abuser isn’t to blame, and the victim is convinced it must be their mental illness …where does the victim go from there when healing that distorted reality?
You're saying it yourself. You're viewing a "distorted reality". So you know yourself it's a distorted reality. That's all you need to know.
To heal that distorted reality, you need to remove the people who are distorting it in the first place. Not easy to do but it's what needs to be done. I wish I had an easier answer but walking away from abuse is the only answer here.
You do the Landmark Forum.
Yes!! No excuse at all. TU
I've put off watching this from the moment it was released and I got notice. I'm not sure I'm ready for it now either. I feel totally destroyed, completely crushed in to smashed goo and blood splatter. What is left for me when no agency will help someone like me who is so far beyond any normal thing they are familiar with. I feel too far gone to be helped and even can't get help because I got so freaking hysterical and freaked out. I can't sleep or eat right or stop having day mares and nightmares, kicking and screaming out of nowhere in terror and complete fury, enraged.. I HATE THIS
i am sorry. it is heartbreaking how there isn't real help available😞 I pray that something changes and help will come to you🙏 take care❤
Hello Professor. I am a huge fan. Been subbed to channel for a while and try to catch every video you put out. Would you mind if I ask your opinion on David Foster Wallace and specifically his speech, 'This is Water', in which he more or less describes trying to live a compassionate life? I have been reading some of his material lately and while I understand he wasn't a saint in real life, I can't help but be compelled by some of his work ... I was wondering if you had any take on the themes he had expressed as a writer
A child told a teacher i know😘 that they couldnt listen as they have adhd,i said you can clearly hear me you know what im asking you for ,so do what iv asked you to and you will learn,adhd is not an excuse to not learn!
“And like a bitcoin, here I am again” 🤣 - Thank you for teaching me how to properly deal with my family of narcissistic psychopaths. Your deep knowledge helped me slowly delete all of them from my life. ❤💪
- A bitcoin trader.
Bad coin*
excellent video. Jarring picture though. Please ixnay on the itlerhay.
you should say : Narcissism Rrrrrrevisited 😂
Ten thumbs up for ‘ectoplasm’ alone.
Best to Bless your enemies..Not Kill them. Jesus Said..and it is True. I tried it! 😊❤
What about situation when a person with a lot narcistic characteristics, physically abuse his/her victim on a few occasions and later says that never happened (gaslighting)??
Is the abuser displaying also psychopatic characteristics??
@@infiniteabundant1176
Thanks for sharing your thought 👍🙏
The person knows it well.
In his family nobody talks about failures (complete denial of shadow self) - everything must be perfect, "they don't get angry", however they are very high functioning on professional level (high achievers).
I am wondering, if it is only covert narcism (entitlement, back &white thinking, gaslighting/manipulations, a lot of sarcasm, looking for admiration around, writing discarding/negative list about the other from almost begining of the relationship, very self-centred, low/no empathy, very bad communication skills, suppressed frustrations/anger/rage, putting down others, pretending to be humble and kind, hiding a lot of secrets, the appearance/"the mask" is very well representable to the outside world) or also psychopatic (hurting physically the other and later denialing it)?
It is so confusing to understand it, mainly for a purpose of separation as an individual on psychological/mental/emotional level, if merging between the victim and abuser already occured.
Definitely I agree with what prof. Vaknin was saying in different video that cover narcists are the worst type to deal with, because they really are a "sneaks in the grass".
It is very confusing experience, esspesialy, if you never met one before.
What in the situation, when the victim doesn't want to excuse the abuser only she/he wants to name things how they are and also take responsibility for her/his part, not the abuser one??
The healthy separation after the narcistic abuse - how it looks the healthy recovery of victim Self to move on and heal??
@@infiniteabundant1176
👍👍
Yes, learning self love/care and establishing a healthy boundaries is a key and takes time.
How to get rid of mental introjections from a narcist, as he emptied his victim from herself and projected himself/objectification of the other??
Mental healthy separation of a victim/surviver from a narcist?
This is invisible injury to self.
When you have a cancer (and love yourself) then you (look for help) have an operation to cut it out from the body.
How to "cut off" narcist and his introjections after no contact was already implemented??
@@kasiakasia5708snakes not "sneaks"
I have mental health issues, so if i step over your boundaries then you should put up with it without consequences again and again or your abusing me🥳disgusting attitudes today
My Narcussist has thrown a bottle of mouthwash at my car, that my daughter and I were sitting in. He has thrown a gallon of ice cream at my front door. He has smeared mayonaisse on my SUV window. Hes called me all kinds of names. He through a lit cigarette through my car window and burned my carpet. Hes kicked my porch gate, he broke the lock on the gate going to the back yard. You have no idea of the trauma I have been through. Why did he have to act this way? I tried talking to him, reasoning with him, explaining to him how to treat people.
Cut the ties completely and quickly
What makes you a "blue" professor?
No excuse for abuse huh??
I don’t understand it at all. Mental illness is almost sure to make someone do bad things. If mental illness is no excuse for doing bad things, than like- why? It’s hard to explain what I mean. I guess I’m trying to say, why even help mentally irl people if they’re just bad? I can’t take thoughts like these and I think even if I get happier in life one day, these thoughts will torment me and I will never live happily.