Children of Narcissistic Parents
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- Опубліковано 10 тра 2024
- In this video we discuss The 16 Common Narcissistic Parenting Components and how to deal with them:
1. You tended to only do things that s/he wanted to do, regardless if you wanted to or not.
2. S/he was not present often and seemed to get gratification away from the family.
3. No matter what you did, you were never able to impress or please him/her.
4. How things looked or appeared were more important than your feelings.
5. You tended to have the greatest value when s/he could brag about your accomplishments or complain about your failures.
6. S/he tended to show that s/he cared through material gifts, as opposed to attention or words of encouragement and love.
7. Jealousy of your achievements, opportunities, or looks prompted criticism and ridicule.*
8. S/he tended to see him/herself as very important and influential and was entitled to the best, even the best children.
9. S/he tended to take advantage of and manipulate others when it suited him/her.
10. Others seemed to like being around him/her, and s/he sought out the spotlight, even if it meant demeaning his/her children.
11. S/he was highly sensitive to negative feedback or criticism, and s/he would kick people out of his/her life who provided it.
12. When angry, s/he showed rage and poor constraint, including anger that was verbal, physical, or both.
13. S/he would feel threatened when you expressed yourself in an appropriate manner.
14. S/he had fantasies of success and his/her own achievements that were highly ambitious; when they did not work out, it was someone else’s fault.
15. S/he was highly critical of others, and s/he was the one who knew the true fix for any given situation.
16. The relationship you have with him/her is more like friendship than parental.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
UA-cam: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
0:00 Introduction
0:22 What happens to these kids? How do they grow up and develop?
1:18 You tend to only do things they want to do, regardless if you want to or not
2:07 Sense of being a burden
2:15 No matter what you do, you're never able to impress or please them
3:30 You tend to have the greatest value when they can brag about your accomplishments or complain about your failures
6:03 Jealous of your achievements, opportunities or looks
8:53 They tend to take advantage of and manipulate others when it suits them
9:22 Fear - Shame -Doubt -Emptiness -Abandonment
10:32 They are highly sensitive to negative feedback or criticism, and they would kick people out of their life who provided it
13:26 They would feel threatened when you expressed yourself in an appropiate manner, even when you use 'I statements
15:42 They are highly critical of others and they are the only ones who know the true fix for any given situation
16:31 Believe the propaganda
18:26 Narcissism does not breed narcissism
21:18 Abandonment -Emptiness
22:37 They have to accept your drive to do what you want to do
I think the saddest part of having a narcissistic parent is that you never get the chance to be the son or daughter that you would have wanted to be. They make it an impossibility, and thus rob you of that relationship. Sad. All you can do is accept it and detach emotionally. They don’t notice anyway.
💯💯💯 that is my heartbreak! I went back and tried working for my parents as an adult because of this exact void - pain in my heart and it was a total black hole nightmare. You just have to accept that this is the hand you’ve been dealt.
Wanted to be? I wanted to be the son that my parents would love. I should have had a childhood and adulthood that didn’t have toxic and dysfunctional parents. I am grieving the loss of the childhood and adulthood I should have had.
It's like being born to a reptile
Dead right!
Yes they DO notice until disinheriting you even as the single child.
Spot on growing up was a very lonely place..being a child of a narcissist is like being an orphan
100%
Exactly….”it’s like being an orphan”
My heart goes out to you and other children suffering this way
Actually, as a 7 year old, I would wish to become an orphan. I hated my life with my parents. Seemed better to take a chance at something I knew could be bad, Vs staying in something that was me essentially willfully suffocating myself in order to live with my parents.
I was an orphan who was adopted by a N mother! Why couldn't another family have picked me
I really, really, really needed to hear the bit about “narcissists don’t breed narcissists”. My biggest fear is accidentally treating others the way I was treated growing up
The fact that you fear hurting others like that immediately shows that aren’t like that. I had the same fear too, but my therapist made me realise this. Narcissists don’t fear treating anyone badly because they are so involved with themselves that they often don’t even acknowledge others’ feelings in the first place.
Me too. 33 years old & All through saying..... why do I hurt the people I care about? This thought terrifies me.
I wouldn't say my mother is a narcissist but for whatever reason I was not loved the way I should have been. I didn't have that foundation of security and support and encouragement. Which led to a ton of insecurities.
The only time I'm really able to connect with other humans is if I take Adderall or MDMA. I thought Adderall was a miracle pill the first day I tried it. Within 6 months I had a gf, a car, a job, I moved out of my parents, had an apartment. Got really lean and had energy all day. I would often study for hours without taking a break for anything.
Hard to believe some people are like that naturally
me. now. but no true narc will admit it
me too (hugs)
"Don't upset that narcissistic parent." Wow. This man just summed up my entire life.
Mine too!
Exactly right
Oh my God walked on eggshells my entire life!
I didn't dare just walk up to my dad and ask for something.
Same. Has created anxiety over time.
The child is often shamed and humiliated by a narcissistic parent and will grow up with poor self-esteem. The child often will become either a high achiever or a self-saboteur, or both. The child will need trauma recovery and will have to re-parent themselves in adulthood.👍
Written very absolutely well said. Thank you I am a child of father who is a narcissistic parent and I was raised by him majoring of my up bringing. I do so many self sabotaging behaviors and have bpd which I have learned throughout the years you develop this in your one to fourish years of your child life of extreme neglect and abuse. I have suffered majority of my life not ever understanding why I can never met my fathers expectations, I have been recently discovering that my fathers expectations are way too high for anyone in the world to ever be able to meet. I was physically mentally and sexually abused in child from my father mostly very verbally abused and that has stuck with me to this current day it’s so very hurtful and it hurts and kills your heart soul and spirit!
Thanks for you sharing I appreciate your writing your thoughts and opinions on this subject it needs to be talked about so very much more
@@jojowojcik6736
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine and countless others...
Hold on to Hope and seek Truth ♥️ and 🙏🏻
@@jojowojcik6736 thank you for sharing your experience. Others and myself had similar experiences. I am sending you a big hug ❤🤗
I was a high achiever in grade school, like top 3 in my class. It was because I was told I'd be punished if I wasn't. My mom got so involved come parent interview time that there were lingerings that all the teachers each year hated her.
At my grad in the 8th grade, I had second highest marks (average), and didn't win a single award. I saw multiple awards given to the 1st place student, as well as the 3rd and 4th, 5th place students. It was a definite **** you to my mom. My teachers I guess were almost just as rotten as to not separate me from her.
In any case, at the parent / child post ceremony party same night, I was hanging with the few friends I had for maybe less than 10 minutes. She grabbed me and said we were going home because it wasn't fair I didn't win anything. She ruined MY night, because she was offended I didn't win something. Just rotten, despicable behavior.
They hate you because they can't break you.
TRUE!
Everything I ever accomplished, they told me I couldn't, and I took that as inspiration to prove them wrong
@@tuesdayskittens True!
Very true parents and ex husband are still trying.
...Or, they can't BE you!!!
It’s a deep hole in your soul, and even as an adult you’re constantly struggling with the brokenness and after effects that come from growing up in an abusive environment
And nobody understand or believe you. At best, they encourage you to forgive, not knowing that you may already have forgiven or done tons of therapy. But the void is still there, it takes a life to undo a deep rooted damage
@barbarav4046 how can you forgive when they do not believe they did anything wrong or have rewritten the past in their own mind. Can forgiveness be found?
I’m 45 years old and have battled with my narc mother my entire life. I moved away when I had children, 3000 miles away so she could not manipulate them as she does with everyone. 17 years pass. I let my guard down only to have me and my kids love bombed and then disguarded for absolutely no reason at all. Don’t ever drop your guard with a narcissist no matter how badly you crave a loving relationship with a parent it will only lead to more suffering. It’s a terrible mistake to ever think they will change
I let my guard down, I thought my dad was interested turned out he was just hammered wasted by 11:00am.
I have struggled with my self esteem ever since being raised with a narcissistic father. Even after his passing I still struggle, I know I was not the best father but I still have to really focus on not letting my issues bubble out, espeally withgrand children, from the abuse my father poured out and into me, as a child. Thank you for your vids. They really help me see how bad my father was, I realize he was only reacting to his childhood up bringing, knew his father (my grand father) and he was pretty harsh and abusive also. one dimension of narcissism I have not seen addressed is how narcisstic parents abuse in spiritual ways, and how that affects families. My father would belittle and make his family confess all sins or thoughts , then he would interpret their sins and make us apologize to him as the FATHER, then he would apply punishment s for confession, bringing up every sin confessed for future belittlement. And corporal punishment by physical beating or starvation, or destroying anything personal you had all the while making us endure hours of lecture and beating his interpretation of bible verses, all the while making us confess any thought word or deed then the cycle would repeat. The whole house hold had to cater to his every demand, if we did not smile and just do it, it was viewed as some egregious violation, no was not allowed. is there a religious narcissism or do narcissistic people use religion to feed the sickness.
I did that, too. Move away as far as possible and go NO CONTACT. Even before I knew what a narcissist was. I just hated her manipulative distructive selfish ways. Thank God I had a good example of a mother in my grand mother on the fathers side. I had something to compare her with. A loving grandmother.
@@timewert7558 that is a sadistic hell you grew up in.
I also am raising my children 3,000 miles away.
i simply left my parents, went abroad, started everything new...wasn`t all easy but best thing i ve ever done
same
HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!
May I ask how much money you had saved to start independently abroad? If you feel comfortable answering....
Wow good for you...I am dreaming of being able to live in another country...I can't stand the trauma...:-(
I moved to the other side of the country. I also had to go no contact with my sisters. I knew on some level that this family would torture me for the rest of my life if I didn’t. I finally have some peace and live in the present. Thank you Jesus!! 💖
For me, living with a narcissistic parent is like being a trophy. They brag about you to anyone that'll listen but no one ever goes up to the trophy and says "good job!"
I was an overachiever when I was younger because I loved when my mom praised me to other people. When they would leave tho I was criticized and bullied. I would try harder and harder until finally I stopped trying at all.
I have been there. I was an object (of praise and criticism) because I think they didn't relate to people on an emotional level. When I didn't behave like an obedient, passive collectible on the shelf, I was met with wrath.
They can just put their “trophy” (child) back up on the shelf when they’re “displeasing.”
Yes!!! I told them what good is it to brag to others but never take the time to care about my well-being? It's a selfish move and is only about the parent and not about the child.
@Fiona I have met so many parents who just start bragging about their child in our 1st or 2nd chats. I don’t do that , so I start to wonder am I not normal or it’s they are acting strange .
At age 48, I started therapy. At age 50, I cut off my toxic parents, two siblings and a grandmother with a few family members!! That decision has radically changed my life for the better!!!😊😊😊
Congratulations.
i grew up in a dysfunctional household with two narcissistic parents. the amount of jealousy, violence, poverty and just overall chaos that me and my siblings had to endure will haunt me forever.
Omg!! I can't even imagine having not one but BOTH narcissistic parents!! I grew up with a narc mother and it was toxic! She discarded me at 17 kicked me out because she realized she couldn't break me and get me to fall in line. Was the BEST thing that happened to me. So glad to have gotten away from her!! I started my healing years ago. Seek God 🙏🏽 peace and blessings
So sorry that you had to endure that. Hope the haunting fades.
I feel you. For me, what makes it even worse is that nobody from the outside understand or indeed believe you. The sense of loneliness is unbearable at times
Me too! And my 3 siblings were all narcs as well. I make it a point to be mindful I don’t end up a narc. It is a life full of pain and suffering. I have very little contact with all of them.
The best thing my narcissistic mother did for me was to die. The relief from her hatred is life changing. Not everyone should be a parent.
JEEEZUUUS dude... This is so sad, because i feel like i will feel the same way when mine dies too
@@isaacmonson4403 Every time I remember she is dead, I experience happiness and relief
I sometimes look forward to that relief.
I’m 64 and returned to help n.p., mom! Guilty for wishing it would be over. Treasure sites as this for helping keep sanity in check. Your words underline my wish.
I loved my mother but didn’t really like . My doctor said that was all right
One of the hardest things to live with is that nobody believes you when you tell them how your parents treat you...Narcissistic parents can hide it so well when anyone outside the family is around...and those critic's dr fox talks about in the back of your head is exactly right...If I could get them out of my head it would be the biggest relief...
Oh so true! Only my cousin who learned this just a few years ago what my parent truly is. They said that's not the same one I remember.
She also stated too what she went through with one of her parents which I was in shock.
One of the images of my mother that I'll never forget is of her standing on the lawn making sure the curtains hung perfectly for anyone that may be passing by. I'm serious.
Yesssssss
I had narcisitic parents
If someone gave me half a million dollar
I would move out
@@Traumatised311 why half-a-million? How about just enough to move out. Maybe find a relative or a friend that you can move in with.
Wow, I felt this. My mother tried her best to destroy my confidence ever since I was a teen, telling me in detail how every part of my young body was disgusting & that I was ugly. It was only after leaving home I realised she was just a nasty, toxic, jealous, narc & always will be.
That genuinely breaks my heart. I hope you're doing better now.
My mom started as soon as I could walk!
I could relate strongly with the song, "Hell is for Children" by Pat Benatar!
Same here, my mother ruined my confidence to the core she used to cry every day and used to put pressure on me for my marriage when i was not ready , her negativity put me into depression for 15 years, all these 15 years i just lived my life like a robot goto office work like a dog and earn money and give to my mother after taking money she used to make me feel that i am useless person in this world as i am not getting married
You are beautiful😍🤴. Get friends and a mentor
The most terrible about having a narcissistic parent is that you still love them no matter what.. that you wish them to love you back just as much as you love them, even though you know it is impossible.
Only up to a certain point
love only withstands so much
Mine was just the opposite. I can remember as a very small child with my mother on her knees in front of me, begging me to tell her I loved her. Please, please, tell me you love me. Even at that age, I just couldn't say the words. I understand how much she needed to hear that, but I knew it would have been a lie.
But know that the reason you love them is because you have a heart... Even though they do not.
I despised my narcissistic mother my entire life - I'm 70 now. I had no love in me for her - ever.
My mom hides her narcissism at such an expert level, I have always been labelled a ungrateful and rude son all my life. She's the most delightful, generous and selfless person to everyone, but at home and behind closed doors, my dad, helper and I bears the full force of her negativity. Moved out 5 years ago and it was the best decision of my life, however my wife and I just had a baby boy 2 months ago, and she is encroaching back into our lives once again. Can't have my son grow up the way I did.
Don’t go back. Raise your son your way, let the narcissists have NO impact on you or your son. You know it may take a lifetime for your son to recover. Love and Peace 💚
Good luck with that. I made the mistake of letting mine back in and they turned my kids against me. Always buying their love and affection. My youngest saw it for herself...she knows...
It's amazing how good they are at hiding their behavior. I always wondered how come my mother could have so many friends. They all knew at least a little of the things she was doing to me, but very few acknowledged it.
STand firm against your mother. If she can get to your son in any way, she will have two victims. Your son, and by extension you. Your son will feel that he has to protect you from her by doing her will, and you will feel the same.
And... nobody needs that roller coaster of good and bad. No one needs to learn the skill of loving a person for a few rare moments of goodness.
My father is the same way. Pillar of the community, everyone's friend, EVERYBODY loves him and thinks he's just the greatest guy . He's charming, friendly, jovial and comes off as an all around good man. He was a terrifying monster behind closed doors. I've cut him off for good, he will never meet or know my children and I will rejoice the day I get the phone call he is dead. I hate Narcissists with a passion, they are a total two-faced, toxic waste of perfectly good oxygen. My son deserves better. Better to have no grandparent than a bad/narcisstic grandparent.
Trying to be good enough for just a few moments of their love. That's right. That's so true. We should be good enough to be loved as we are. It shouldn't depend on doing something. Thank you!
It was never about my accomplishments, always about my failures.
Try to resist the urge to internalize this type of critique and instead encourage yourself to recognize your own strengths and accomplishments. I wish you well
@@DrDanielFox Thank you. x
I'm so grateful to read everyone's comments because I felt so alone for so many years in trying to deal with my narcissistic mother. I feel that all you are my true sisters and brothers. We have faced the truth about our parent(s) and are being set free to become our authentic selves.
🙌
Same here,, i don't feel so alone anymore. Good luck people. 🍀
Amen.
Much courage to you madam. Indeed like you state, it is heartwarming to know you're not the only one in those matters.
Me too 🤗🌞🌻
Going No Contact (after confronting my parents with the abuses) was the best decision I made. I made it before I turned 37; just over 8 years later I saw my narcissistic mother and she *has.not.changed*!
Now that I have had all doubts removed, I'm finally starting to heal (including physically) and become a somewhat functional human being (at least in my home). Progress is slow, but I'm not giving up.💪🏻🙏🏻
Damn I had the exact same experience. Went no contact at age 34, now 8 years later, they're still the same, haven't changed one bit!
I have an entirely different view of others who appear to be lonely or suffering now, after going through similar stuff, my body is dying now and I finally realized no contact was the only way. Now I pray God can heal me so I can have some life before I grow old and die.
All the best ♥️
Write them off!!!
My father is a narcissist. I cut him off a long time ago. That enabled me to recognize my husbands mother as a narcissist. The lies. The inflated ego.The never good enough. The victim playing. We cut her off too. I refuse to have narcissistic grandparents around my children. We are very happy without them.
Bravo! Proud of you for protecting your children from those demons! Wish there were more moms like you.
@@1986nitya Some people have children at a younger age and are not aware of family dynamics and narcissism until much later in life.
How did I deal with my narcissistic father? I haven't spoken to him in 20 years. The best 20 years of my life. I hear he just lays in bed all day and no one visits him. I don't want to expose my kids to that monster. Oh, my father would love to play mind games with my kids and make himself feel superior while enjoy seeing their pain.
@@haiminh4263 Perhaps he has changed? Could you visit him by yourself? He is still your father, after all.
@@joolspools777 You are a kind person. I heard he has not changed. He has used and abused me so much. I have no regrets. It only takes one person to damage an entire family.
I was raised this way but even worse. I found myself becoming this way with my children. I had to go do the work and change.
Good for you ❤️
Proud of you
Me too! Its my anger thats causing issues. Still working on it but managing better :)
Something that helps me is I put my anger where it belongs . Usually I’m anger or upset at an adult in my life and not my children so when o find myself taking my anger out on them I remember this energy is not for them.
The noise in your head... if I would've loved my mother enough I would've became a good person. Spot on!
I broke of all contact with my narcissist mother and the flying monkeys (which unfortunately was my whole family..). I basically lost everyone but there was nothing else to do. It was terrible at first but now I feel it was the best decision in my life ☺️
Sometimes, there's no other choice. They even go out of their way to convince relatives, neighbors, family friends that you're the crazy one and 90% or more of them end up believing them because people are stupid like that. I had to do the same, unfortunately, but no regrets. It's just the way life is sometimes.
It’s been 4 years since I went NO CONTACT with my narcissistic parents and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner. It’s not easy, but I m happier now that I have ever been. Wishing you all peace❤️
I am in my 30s and I still feel a sense of disorientation and my sense of time warped due to the abuse I went through childhood and adolescence. My 20s were characterized by the effects of the abuse and my 30s as my years of recovery. However, I cannot leave them due to my mother being alone with my alcoholic narcissistic father, yet my mother was a covert narcissist. Hence, why I was stunted emotionally, perhaps physically due to stress and anxiety and I did not develop as a healthy adult. Maybe once I leave them I will be healthier and develop into the adult I had envisioned to be.
I decided to run away at the age of 9 or 10. Then realized, where would I go? And how could I navigate the world? So I stayed. And finally got out and quickly landed on My feet at age 20. My deepest regret is not running away. I should figured it out, because staying there killed Me.
It’s amazing how personality disorders in parents foster personality disorders in their children. It’s a vicious cycle.
I got diagnosed with BPD. It sucks to be the one labelled with a mental illness when my parent didn’t. Narcissists never get diagnosed.
I’m afraid to have any child atm. I don’t want another living being felt miserable because of what I do reflects what my narc mother did to me..
My youngest is showing traits of bpd, I'm doing everything I can to help.
@@alizlovescherry Had I known narcissism and BPD and its manifestations in my family of origin and my ex, I would have chosen the no children road too. I feel guilty for my child having to deal with this. I would have let the pain stop right with me, no more spreading pain to future generations
I’m thankful I’m aware
I cut ties with my narcissistic father. I finally came to understand that he doesn’t really “love” me because he can’t love himself. I give myself what I need. There is tremendous peace being away from the trauma and drama.
I here you 💖
I am literally a few hours away from attempting to do this - cutting off my Narcissistic Father. I feel like I'm trapped under a rock, and I'm preparing to cut my arm off. Really needed to see this comment. Thanks for sharing.
@@williamkeith798 Hope it went well, Will.
I am currently on low-contact with my dad, and it feels really strange going from a conversation with my friends where everyone considers each other as equal, to a conversation with him where he basically just talks over and belittles me.
@@orbis17 it's been really tough. I'm learning about the term 'Enmeshment', and that's definitely descriptive of mine and his relationship. It's been the most empowering step of my life, but also the hardest. Good for you for having boundaries set up, and thank you for the kind words. We've gotta surround ourselves with people who give, not just take.
My parents were divorced. As part of the divorce settlement my dad had to provide insurance for me. I turned 13 and I needed braces, but there was a co-pay. My mom refused to pay it because she thought my dad had to pay it. My dad refused to pay it because the co-pay weren't his responsibility. They spent a whole pile of money going back to family court to fight over that co-pay. Ultimately, neither of them was required to pay the co-pay. They spent hundreds of dollars each on lawyers and court fees and such. The co-pay was $35. That was nearly 40 years ago and my dad still boasts about how he won that case. The orthodontist was angry. They told me that when I turned 18 I could come get braces myself and have payments. I had to get away from my family so the first chance I got I shipped out in the military. You can't have braces in the military so I never got them
😮
I have a genuine question doctor, whatever you said my parents followed to the T, is there a narcissistic guide book everyone follows? I am from a different culture, south Asian , but what you mentioned here was the blueprint at my house growing up, how does this transcends culture and races? Unless these races and culture are superfluous in some ways and our humanity for better or worse is same
It’s #3 for me. My mother would ground me until the next report cards came out if I brought home a C. She would shake my report card at me while screaming “average kids make C’s and you’re not average!” So I grew up hyper independent, I sit here at 43, never married, no kids, and struggling to take care of myself.
My mother did the same thing!! She never wanted me to have a family either! Thankfully I managed to get married young and after 13 years we just had a baby boy. When I told her I was pregnant she had nothing but negative comments. Now that he's born she's so excited about him. Luckily we live in a different country half the year. I'm going to have to protect my son from her...
I can relate! Nothing was ever good enough. And just like the doctor said, anything to point out flaws was used to downgrade anything positive.
I am so sorry, I have a similar situation, but was lucky to find a wife who is patient with me because I am a little messed up.
I feel for you Tiffany. You do have worth, you have value. Please see goodness in yourself.
Your parents probably came from a family of failure or feel thy failed and don't want you to fail ..I think this is more of a military style parent ❤I don't think Narcs respond to report cards 😂😂😂😂they still kids
I was blown away by the reality that my mother was jealous of me. It took me 54 years to go no contact. I stopped needing / wanting her approval, acceptance, understanding and love. I was done! 8 years on I live happy joyous and free from issues and drama and stresses created by my narc mother.
These are hard choices and realizations. Be well.
Dear Bronwyn…you have taken the exact words I have always wanted to say out of my mouth….
I was blown away too at her constant, unrelenting jealousy…my God, even jealous over a new pair of stockings…or lip liner…
She’d rant about it and bitch for hours….it got me down so much…I’m 52 ..only now, as recently as a few weeks ago I finally broke..
It’s taken all these years….but now I know I’m done….I look forward to a happier, calmer more positive life….
When I stopped trying to please her and moved her toxicity out of my life. I became free!!!!
My liberation didn’t arrive TIL 5 years after she died because up until then I didn’t realize *how* not-normal my life had been. I had a vague idea, but not with any clarity. A lot of wonderful adults in my life went as far as they dared in offering reprieve and validation. In the 50s and 60s, the social rule forbade active intervention unless the child was visibly battered, so the people aware of something not right had to be careful and creative. I’m inexpressibly grateful to them; I doubt I would have lived to see my 16th birthday if not for them.
My mother is jealous if me too. 🥺
I will never understand why she gave me life, just to crush it with her own bare hands.
I feel the same way... I ask myself why am I here, why did they have me? They just ruined my childhood, traumatised me and here I am now as an adult trying to fix the damage and suffer trying to function in this world.. I didn't ask for this bs... but I'm trying
I don't think they know how to be any different because they need healing. Regardless of your parents..and I'm not dismissing how you feel in any way..the Bible says that while you were in your mother's womb he knew you..and knit you together. Psalm 139.
Personally, I have done and still continue to heal not apart from God but by having him in my life. He is the one that knows us completely and loves us the most. It is not always easy to believe this on a heart level but I believe if we come to that place of really knowing that we will be have so much more peace and love, trusting him more and more.
@@RedPillsAreGood Welcome to the club, the important thing is to accept yourself where you are and know where you are going in the process, so eventually you will be able to love those who have harmed you and empathize with those of similar trauma.that you will no longer resort to blame others for your life.
Thereby remaining in the victim state of being. But rather start accepting and forgiving and become victorious as those offenses that once bound you are now the stepping Stones that create a pathway to a higher state of being.
Much love friend
I'm sorry. My father is a big selfish angry child who never shows up for me. He wants to see what he can get. He feels I owe him something. He never was a dad. My mom spent all her time catering to him and his bs. As a result I grew up alone. As an only kid. I just disappeared and never reappeared. It's isolating but at least the pandemic didn't shake me it's just my every day life. I hate his drama. My mom remarried but that guy is no better. Still alone.
You can rebuild tho dont give them the power.
Wow! I'm almost 50 and you described my mother perfectly. I never knew what was wrong with her, but thanks to you, now I know.
Amen! Even though it can be decades without an answer (6 for me!), it is so good to know NOW what we didn't know THEN. It is all new, even in the medical community.
I was 35 when I finally realized what was going on, now the only thing I can do is learn and try not to repeat the same mistakes. I’m almost 40 and have no kids because I’m terrified I’ll be the same.
Me too
I hated being home as a child. I never felt like my mom wanted me to be there. I had great friends growing up and my dad's mom basically raised me and was the center of my world. I was the eldest. It wasn't until someone I care about in my adult life was diagnosed with NPD recently that led me to yours and others youtube videos and helped me realize what was wrong in my household all my childhood. There were 5 of us kids. 4 girls and 1 boy. She treated me and my little brother like discarded trash, and never raised any of us to 18. I'm now 42 and raised 2 children of my own. My children have inherited my GAD, but I didn't raise either of them the way my mom treated me. My personal goal was to do better than my mom did, and lift my kids up and encourage them. My mom is 62 and still doesn't see she's the problem and has never gotten help and blames me why we no longer talk. I went no contact December 2008, and kept my kids away from her until they were 18 and could make their own decisions and protect themselves. I really think sometimes the best thing to do is avoid the narcissist. You can't heal around the people that hurt you.
If you don’t know what a narcissist is, and you have one as a parent - you’ll grow up and marry one. 🤦🏼♀️
Yep. Unfortunately true.
Lmao I married two and didn’t realize until I had my own son
I didn't know, but my husband is amazing.
This.
True words. My brother's ex has classic NPD, my ex has narc traits. I think both of our parents have narc traits. Mom more so than Dad. It's hard to tell, I'm not objective, I adored my dad, he was the sun, moon and stars. When he died, my mom, brother and I were crushed.
Biggest difference is my dad was so emotional, very expressive, supportive, encouraging, affectionate. But he also had a really bad temper. He went into these scary, angry rages. When you're a kid - and your dad is really unpredictable like that - it's scary! I HATED being yelled at - it terrified me. So he didn't yell at me. Didn't really yell at my brother much. It was mostly at my mom. Verbal abuse.
My mom has covert traits for sure. She gaslights, manipulates, is really judgemental, very ego-centric, bullies, hyper-critical, and lacks empathy. I don't remember her being as bad as she is now when my dad was alive but then again - my dad was like AWESOME supply for her. He took care of EVERYTHING. So she's probably in withdrawal. I am not a good source of supply lately. I done being triggered. I have this amazing woman as a peer support who has helped me change my perception so I can see the world differently.
Instead of being angry and irritable all the time I'm letting stuff go. Part of that was a change in my ADHD meds. The other part was seeing what my parents went through as kids - knowing that they meant well, they never meant to hurt us, it just happened. They actually tried too hard.
Also, if my mom needs help, I get off my butt and help her. I ain't doing a dang that is SO important it can't wait, lol. And she's like a 5-yr-old, if she wants something, she wants it NOW. I think all older people get like that. She's almost 85, and since my dad passed in early 2019, her previous SUPER-HIGH anxiety went into space orbit. I've told her quite a few times now to just..... go sit down and chill.
Unfortunately I inherited that anxiety. I think I manage it better. Or, well, I mask it better.
My father just passed away in September. I never understood why he treated me so bad until now. I realize that he was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat child. I know it sounds funny but I feel more relief than sorrow at his passing. At age 62, I'm starting to immerse myself in my creative passions. I now Feel Like Anything is Possible!
Great comment. Thanks 😊
Blessings!!!!😍
My therapist has recommended I go no contact with my 82 year old Narc father. The relief I felt washed over me when she said this and I’m now sleeping better than I ever have in my life. It’s been painful but facing the truth is like having a Boulder removed from my shoulders.
My narcissistic father died when I was 49, and my life began. I’ve also totally thrown myself into my creativity. It was like reading something I’ve written when I read what you wrote!…. I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden haired child. I think out of it all, I have tremendous determination, and push, to do what I set out to do. I just have to watch my self sabotage, and rein it in when I realise what’s happening. All the very best to you. Big hugs. 💕
@Krishna Patel Oh my….this is one of the saddest comments I’ve read today. I am so sorry you feel that way. We should never feel as though we NEED anyone like that. Although I do understand. There have been many times when I don’t know what would become of me if I were alone. But, at the same time, if I had stayed single l, instead of sticking with my ex husband, I might not have all the issues I now have 🤷♀️ He did a number on me, was married to him for 17 years.
The next relationship messed me up raven more, but I will refrain from going into detail about that. That is a story for another day and maybe not told to the public at all. I am going through a lot right now due to having PTSD and it activated shortly after my current BF and I got together. I am so reactive, although I believe I am doing much better….but I am still not well.
It is sensible to have a partner, best friend, lover, supporter, encourager, teacher, understanding, decisive, person (hopefully their skill set is unique compared to yours) to me, that is a soul mate and life partner really is.
In the beginning, the chemistry you feel when you kiss them or the first time you make love, you have such a deep feeling of connectedness, like you’ve never felt before. It was so captivating and left me longing for more. Then, I did you not! Every single time we made love after thaThat is a soul mate. I feel like I have finally met him, just the big man upstairs has a devilishly sick sense of humor! We trigger the f**k out of each other!
We might not make it, because I believe we both have the same core issues but handle in completely different ways--and the way we handle them trigger each other too. 💔. This is how we learned about attachment styles. I am normally a secure attachment. Being with him, his attachment style was Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant, leaning DA (Dismissive Avoidant). So he like to take off. Me, my attachment style wish hi is FA leaning Anxious attachment style. He tiggers my core abandonment issues, for some reason.
Sorry this comment got so wordy! This is how my trauma brain works lately…. I don’t know what to do as bout that yet!
Any tips and/or help snd/advice would be greatly appreciated.
That's crazy to hear but also not so surprising that narcissistic parents tend to create children with BPD traits. I got diagnosed with BPD at the age of 23 after years of self destructive behaviour. The cause is absolutely growing up with narcissistic parents. Great video and very relatable, thank you!
Thank you very much and I’m glad that you found the video helpful.
Exactly the same as me
Me too. My folks were so happy to have me at home on meds making me a zombie. They had me convinced I was mentally ill and needed to live in a mental institution. My mother actually lied to the therapist with the hopes of getting me committed to satisfy the NPD stepdad. Now after 40 years my mom has become the NPD as well and they are a miserable team who hate each other, especially their kids.
Same
@@DrDanielFox Your video was helpful, but to be frank it just re-enforced what I already knew. As my dad and his family did their best to destroy me just to hurt my mom. While my sisters could do no wrong, despite their criminal activity that started in high school. Perhaps it was best that my parents split when I was four, and I lived with my mom as my dad & his family always despises me....
Even if your parent isn't a full on NPD, they can be neglectful & abusive due to other causes like depression, substance abuse or other personality disorders that cause erratic behavior. So this is VERY helpful for a lot of people. Many parents treat their kids like a burden & are inconsistent with their affection, play siblings off each other because that's how they were raised, treat their kids like an extension of themselves or do other things that are very "narcissist-ish". And it sucks regardless of the cause.
My experience exactly now I’m a parent and trying best to heal so I don’t perpetuate the emotional and mental abuse cycle 😮😢
Before I even found out about narcissism, I used to use the analogy that I was a toy that my parents broke, and they're too immature to fix it.
That’s powerful . Insightful. Hope you the best in your healing and journey forward
Narcissistic parents are immature
You were an empath god sent to break this curse ❤❤❤❤❤❤I moved away because I noticed my whole family acted alike and I was the only one playing with paper dolls making dolls out of tshirts and the mental interviews started 😂😂😂😂bye narc bitches y'all can't do nothing unless it's a human contact event 😂😂😂
When I was a teenager I started to stand up against my narcissistic mother, she always went insane. My dad had to tell me, "don't upset your mother". I essentially became both a lamb and a bit of a loner
Omg sounds like my
DAd to this day..
Undying Love 💘
This hit deep. Felt like I was living 5 different lives half of the time trying to console an anxious mom (who was projecting her anxieties at me) and stay safe from a emotional brick wall dad
@@RL-jj4ec I'm sorry to hear that, even though it is a burden to deal with when they are alive, it must still be hard to lose a family member. Good luck with the healing process for you and your family
@@scarlettstott7570 thank u
I learned that your dad enabling your narcissistic mother and trauma bonding with the child, also makes them an abuser. You never realize however because you can put them on a pedestal for being the less abusive parent.
I had a narcissistic father. This describes and explains so much of what I experienced in dealing with him. My entire family breathed a sigh of relief when he finally died, and the best part is that we now all get along with each other - dad always kept us angry at each other through lies.
Omg my Mother does this as did my grandma.no wonder I am a Effed up mess.
This. So much lying. Kept us all apart.
Borderline people do this too.
These type of men terrorize the families in their home. Terrible.
My folks are in their mid-70s - both narcs & stuck in a relationship that makes them miserable. I went down to see them recently & I got dragged into a row between them about money & past lies. Spoke my mind… told them that they needed to stop lying to each other, their kids (my sister lives close by to them with her family & was away on holiday) & themselves. Went home… a week later my sis WhatsApp’s me to say I ruined her holiday because when she got home all my Mum did was bitch about how I’d taken sides with my Dad & caused friction - plus a load of other shit that she brought up.
I called them all individually & asked them to speak to each other about my conversation with my folks - this was difficult for me but they all ignored my request & went back to their happy bubble after a few days.
I’m 52 & have been trying to fix my parents for about 30 years. A total waste of emotional energy. I’m drained.
Now I’m done.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to try to help your parents for so long. Remember that you can only do so much, and it's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Sending you positive vibes.
In my experience, confusion is always a symptom of being gaslit by a narcissistic and/or psychopathic individual.
Omggg….one sentence and you explained it all!!!! Thing is, even though I have finally figured it out and am certain beyond a reasonable doubt that mother is narcissistic and destroyed all relationships with my dad’s family and with the community. I was confused till 60 years old. I had gotten out of the house by 21. Of course also confused about everyone I came in contact with. I was too opened and trusting …. now
I’m exhausted…with no boundaries and discernment I have been battered by life.
I went back and read my journal from my adolescence. I didn't write it that way but it was so clear how I so confused all the time. I had no idea I was so confused but it was obvious going back and reading it.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother was torture. I'm 55 and still deal with the emotional trauma she caused.
Louanne, I’m right there with you. I’m 68 and still dealing. I’ve spent my whole life on a yo-yo of healing and growing up, then regressing to an unloved, unworthy, needy child. I’m going back to therapy after yet another late-breaking trauma. Hang in there Sis. Sending hugs.
Well don't be stupid like me. I kept going around till 4days before Christmas. I had to go "no contact" with my mom. She's going to live forever, so it was up to me to go away.
I don't hate anyone, I just want to be me again. Thank you Jesus Christ for helping me.
Im 58 and my narcissist mother lives in my home. Im a sucker. She will outlive me, frequently bringing up that she's soooo healthy. I deeply resent her.
@@gail9566 MOVE HER OUT.. .IMMEDIATELY!!!! She manipulated u to get into your home... Trust me. My mother moved in and was such a terror ( while I was big with a difficult pregnancy), I put her worthless ass out. Found out later she was calling all of the relatives and running me down WHILE IN MY HOME. What a piece of work.
@@phyllis9750 my mom did the same. I had to sit her down several times to chat with her about being negative about my 16 year old son and I to her church friends. She wrote a Christmas letter to her friends and the family and cut us down in the middle of it. I was super angry about it.
I have never felt so understood in my entire life.
I’m so glad you found the video helpful. Be well.
I had a very religious father that was also a narcissist. The more I learned about the faith the more I understood how short he fell from his own beliefs... But don't worry, he was always far more devout than everyone else.
I feel this.
I think i understand. Religious narcissit could be really confusing because they seem so pure intended especially if they are also looked up upon by people not having to live close to them.
Same here. Very religious narcissistic father. He is so morally superior in his own head, and points it out to us who all fall short of his standards. But be abused us our whole lives.
@@stephanievizzi9147 I am a believer... But his conduct put that in jeopardy when I was a kid. His example made me think God was vengeful and spiteful. I have learned the opposite is true.
Extremely religious communities are more often narcissistic they tend to judge their own child and condemned into scripture and also its hard to lived with changing ur life because they think and misinterpret it that ur clean u dont know how much suffering u want to end to pray or what
Had to cut my mother off for her behavior. It's so hard because I'm so used to feeding off her approval and our trauma bonding. I feel so alone most days but it's better than the constant roller coaster of life that I was experiencing with her around.
Wow. It's great to hear that you were able to see your value and prioritize your worth and cut her off as a result of her own behavior. I understand the desire to feed off approval... it's your mom. So hard to get beyond desiring that connection and always hoping the approval and support was there for you. That loneliness feeling is extra tough, feels different in some way when you can't count on your parent to be there for you.
Proud of you!!
I went no contact with my narc family . My health has improved and I'm feeling stronger every day. I've surrounded myself with healthy supportive people who actually care. Best decision of my life.
It is so hard to go no contact, it is so very difficult but as you said, it beats the constant walking on eggshells, roller coaster feeling. Sending a supportive hug.
@Tessa Shaw I am 54 and married, also no children as I did not want to perpetuate the cycle. Recently went no contact with both parents when they finally, finally crossed a line with me, and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sending you a hug.
I used to always have a friend with me as a kid because my mom would consistently act so much nicer and thoughtful around them. It became my hack for existing in my childhood.
I just worked at the riding stables down the road, to escape weekends trapped with Mother.😏
My parents fought like cats and dogs unless around others so i did this too... my best friend was always at my house
I just hung out at all my friends houses with their parents.
@@FloraandYuna multi-generational for us.
We weren't allowed to have friends over
If I had an accomplishment my parents would say “that’s what your supposed to do” . But my grandfather always told me how proud he was of me to this day.
It took me so long for me to realize that my mother is a narcissist. I can relate to everything he mentioned in this video. The most terrible thing to me was growing up with a narcissist mother and (two) abusive stepfathers. I cut contact with my mother 2 years ago and I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time and am finally seeking to get better.
When I was in my early 20’s I lost 140lbs and it was a real true victory in my life. My dad posted an old picture of me on Facebook and said Here’s the real Jack. I can’t imagine being that cruel to my son and also probably why Ill never have children
I'm sorry!!! My ex was like that to my son. Realize they have the issues not us. I realized all the manipulative, gaslighting, and narcissistic stuff he was doing to me was all him. Once I got that in my head I felt sorry for him. He was trapped in his own living hell - his own mind.
I don’t know you Jack but I am sorry. How hurtful. And also- congrats on your victory
Have those kids if you want because you will be a great dad! And your dad is a jealous bum and always will be.
I was going to press the thumbs up on your comment but it’s not that I didn’t like it, I empathize.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Jack Rudy, the real you is what you see of yourself, not what our parents or people say about us. Having will power like yours will bring you the life of success.
My mid range narcissistic father conveniently "doesn't remember" things he's done. When I was a teenager he would use power and control. Now when I'm a man he doesn't remember things. I don't speak to him anymore.
The Cannon
Same bro. Also van life is my next move. Freedom is my top value after never having it
My mother. She claims she has “dementia” I’m like uhhhhhhh? Recently something stuck out to me that she said. We were talking about my childhood a little bit but I was very weary of what I was saying bc it always ends terribly bc she gets so butt hurt....and defensive....but she mentioned how she always felt like she was competing with the other mothers. She always felt she had to one up them. Meaning I was ALWAYS pawn in her little fucking game. She wanted me to be a cheerleader. Popular. But I realized early on I wasn’t that way. I never connected with the people who she approved of as friends. And when she said that honestly it killed me but it also is helping me see her for what she really is.
Same as you no contact 12 years, my father died before a month and I felt very bad for him.. I hated him unbelievable but i felt sorry for him
Oh yes! According to my mother she gave up everything and apparently I never give her enough acknowledgement or gratitude. When I call her out on things that she's done, she denies EVERYTHING. Righttttt because I just made all this shit up
same. neither of my parents. a few years before I stopped speaking to my parents my mom praised herself "after all I've been through in my life the one thing I can pride myself on is that I was a good parent. I never ever yelled at either of you [her kids]" my jaw hit the ground. her yelling and etc etc led to my eventually developing an autoimmune disease and cptsd with flashbacks of her voice yelling at me!
My childhood explained, thank you so much for this video!
What I did to heal from my narcissistic mother? I cut the contact completely when I was 15 and engaged into therapy in my early 20s. Unfortunately she did her smear campaigns 20 years ago and succeded, so my whole family is still believing that I was the problem and they still don‘t want any contact.
A lot of positive friendships helped me through that time and now I managed to be succesful and one of the best in my profession and most important: I know myselfs worth.
You can absolutely heal from a narcissistic parent, engage in therapy, try to work hard on that and be patient with yourself.
Thank you for the comment. Be well and take care.
I had to do the same! Cut contact but made the mistake of going back every time she was in crisis. It always ended in disaster and i have become very separated from my family because of my dysfunction. It was a sad reality when i came to realize that my mother never really loved me. The times away from her have always been a time of peace for me and my family. And even though it took 60 years to figure it out, i am glad i finally know the truth so that i can move on. I hope the same for you and all in the same boat.
I am 70. I have been fortunate to go no contact. I’ve worked for a longtime on healing. I’m still learning about all this stuff.
The child grows up feeling a profound sense of unworthiness, self doubt and fear. I didn’t know how screwed up my dad was until he turned on me. I found out it was all about power and satisfying his enormous ego. I never stood a chance.
Oh my gosh! Same. At 54 and his last tirade I could no longer deny the disdain and contempt he has had for me my entire life
Sounds like my dad. Ty.
Are u my SISTER??
@jeanie Mattone. Oh, wow... 🥺😳 This is so similar to my situation. What you said about how we grow up, feeling unworthy, never good enough. It's sad, it's bad, it's a terminal situation in many ways. 😔 My mother was the narcissist in my life so, I was a Daddy's girl and the messed up part is that, when she died, ( I was 42 years old) my dad turned into exactly what you described your dad as being. It's as if I lost them both, the day my mom passed away because my dad disappeared and someone new had taken over his body. Deep wounds that sometimes never heal....
@@Tobrina1978 I have a feeling your dad was always that way-your mother may have just been worse and when she died, he stepped into what would have been his ‘normal’ role. People don’t change-not at that age. I’m sorry, Sweetie. 💔
I think you have only scratched the surface of how detrimental it is to have a NPD parent. For instance, unbeknownst to me: my mother carefully planned to steal my trust fund when I came to years, and she did - even before I had a chance to think about it. The silver lining of having a NPD mother is that I grew up wanting to become the opposite of everything she embodied. And, in time by the grace of God: I have.
Amen! 🙏🏾
And let me guess - "I had to take the trust fund because you would be inept and mismanage it and waste it all."
Yes, many of these narcissists are outright criminals.
@@dgontar Absolutely true.
My "mother" stole my second child and hasn't let me see him in months. Courts love her because she's an informant.
6 minutes in I’m starting to tear up, I always couldn’t tell if my father was abusive or not
The fact that this video has 1.5 million views is very telling. Peace, light & love to all you beautiful people out there. You are worth it & your experiences are validated ❤️
Well explained. Gifts from narcissistic parents are transactional. No such thing as a free lunch. You will be reminded that you are not appreciative enough and you owe them.
So true!
The narc parent instills existential guilt in the child. My mother reminded us many times that our births interrupted her sports career.
@@HeartFeltGesture same my mom says she wishes she never had kids.. I think abortion should be a thing. You didn’t gift your child with life.. you cursed them forever to never love or trust ourselves or anyone else . This is worse in pedophilia in my opinion. It’s your own parent / creator. Not some random creep.
Well said. In the 4th Grade, I realized my mom's pattern. She bought me a gift, then throw it up to me for 2 weeks that she bought me something. I started to decline gifts if she asked because I didn't want her hear it afterward!
We were reminded of that in normal households. “I took up for you at school and you were fighting” and rarely care why unless you were taking up for them or a coach saw and was on your side about it. If a coach bragged about it you were scot free. It was just a tool in the toolbox. I think appropriate and limited use of that is good leverage for parents teaching stubborn kids.
I relate to this 100%. Brought me to tears. I always felt so alone and crazy. My mother really made me believe I was always the problem. When it really was her. I was a child. She was the adult.
Yes, I can relate to what you are saying...
At least/unfortunantly I didn't kil my dad.. Things probably had gone better though, if I had. Pretty far out realisation..
Me too
That struck a chord with me, too.
I struggle daily because of my mother .
A few years ago I requested my MH records from my teen years. It was VERY eye opening to see the paperwork my mom had filled out, there were so many lies and exaggerations. My grandmother played the roll of mom most of my life, she was the only positive female roll model I had growing up and she was an angel on earth. My mom labeled her as an enabler on the documents, describing my grandmother in ways that were sickening and outright false. Of course then my mother labeled herself as the victim of a terrible daughter who had it out for her, was rebellious, and disrespectful for “no reason”. My mother died a few years ago and before she did I begged for acknowledgment, maybe even an apology if she could muster it up. Instead she berated me, how dare I intentionally hurt her feelings and make her feel bad when she was so ill. She died a few months later, many of my feelings about her and our relationship go unresolved. Sometimes I feel pity for her, other times I mourn the mother I never had and desired so deeply. The best I can do to heal that pain is to give my son the life and love he (and all children) deserve.
I'm sorry you were made to endure that. I believe you will do much better than even you could believe. With more of this information becoming accessible, it should happen less often. It happened to me too.
@@user-iu4wh1zs6tI always say that I owe her thanks for teaching me what NOT to do as a mother. Funny enough, today is 5 years since her passing.
“If you would have loved your parent enough, you’d be a good person” Home run with this one!
Yes
I had to remove myself from my mother who was a narcissist. I have been treated for PTSD because of her. I was SO relieved when she died.
Yep! I haven’t cried yet, and it’s been three years.
I had two narcissistic parents who I cut off! I'm 63 years old and still suffer from the abuse. The abuser can forget and forgive themselves but it's the abused who carries that intense pain forever. My father just passed but I never shed a tear, I hope when my malignant mother dies I might finally be free. I feel no guilt because I love them but can't bear the toxicity...I've suffered enough!
Yes you have suff
yeah i had the same experience 2 narcs for parents see above if i hadn't taken extacy i wouldn't have a clue what love is i'm also getting on 50yrs old now and i still feel like a lost child i hope they suffer in hell for a very long time!
@@markhall42 - I remember the first time I got drunk and was thinking, “This must be what love feels like.” I stayed drunk for the next 10 years and wound up in a living hell. Drugs and alcohol bind to the same receptor sites that we feel when we have a healthy relationship and that becomes the addiction. I removed the alcohol and replaced it with healthy relationships which is what caused the pain that I was trying to escape from. After my narc parents were dead and my narc grandmother finally followed them I was able to realize that I was living in hell here on earth and I was going to have to make the changes to find a new way to live. They are never going to validate me or give me the love they withheld. They are never going to apologize for the physical abuse and neglect.
Now it’s my life between me and God and I have to answer for the things that I have done and the harm I have caused no matter how small. I have to be the adult for the kid inside of me that still hurts and is trying to cary all that pain alone. I didn’t get to pick my family but I can pick my friends and the people around me that I love and who are with me on my journey of healing.
I didn’t go to my mothers funeral… because I chose not to feel the pain and agonizing question “WHY?
Good decision for me.. not for everyone.
@@boxelder9167 thank you ! Well said 👍
My mom will still tell my dad when I'm visiting "will you please replace me". I then feel like a huge burden to my parents because they have to replace each other in my company. I'm an adult and doesn't even want to visit them that often. My mom will also say this when they take care of my daughter and it makes me sad and angry. At this point I only visit when I have to.
This was so powerful. I always thought my dad was the narcissistic one of my parents, but what I'm realizing now is that he was probably Borderline, and it was my mom who was the narcissist. She always made herself out to be the victim. My dad died of alcohol addiction/overdose and now that she's getting older her narcissistic traits are becoming more obvious. The victimization, the lack of responsibility, the extreme impatience, always saying she doesn't want to be a burden even though everything she does and says makes life harder on me.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's not always easy to recognize these patterns in our own families, but it's an important step towards healing and understanding.
I had to check your name because I thought my sister had written this.
I went no contact over 18 years ago with both narc parents. Both passed away. No regrets. Most other family members also eventually went no contact. In therapy at 49yo and I'm finally free of this internal "I owe everyone" mantra I've lived with as well as bpd traits. My faith probably plays the most important role, though. Don't ever give up seeking help and truth.
I'm only 21 but no contact with my mom for about a year. I miss her but I can't handle it. Nobody in my family speaks to her anymore. I was the scapegoat child always growing up. I wish parents could do better.
What you overcame sounds like me rn. I'm trying to go NC but I'm full of guilt and loneliness. Hopefully over time the safe space I am tryign to build is enough.
@@SparkyGecko wtf are you doing? Talk to her before its too late.
@@Ayixlia Lmaoooo no I dont think I will
Hi there I couldn't hep it but felt a real connection I went four years with no contact, I felt like I had no choice, when mum passed away yes I was there due to the police contacting me I was relieved in therapy now have forgiven her with God's help God bless you on your journey
My mom was an absolute narcissist Queen and because of her I am an empath. I'm too sensitive ,I care too much , and I'm a human lie detector. I can absolutely feel somebody's thoughts pain happiness all of it just walking into a room.
Same here!
Wow I am you!
Same here
Nailed it...
Ditto! I totally "know" when people are lying to me, and feel emotion when walking into a room. Can feel the energy of an argument/other negatives that have been in the room even after they've left or argument is over. It's exhausting, isn't it?
This was very interesting and mostly nailed my narcissistic parent. At 60, I’ve just realized the extent of the narcissist’s impact in my life and have started therapy.
Hey thanks, I felt bad for being 51, but I can see that this can stifle a person until they die. So glad to hear you broke free!
I am 63, just found out in May, that my mom is a narcissist. Now, I went no contact. I lost half my family, maybe more. I am starting to see all the damage she caused me. Now, i have flying monkeys. What a rollercoaster ride. I have to pick myself up, I am exhausted. I keep getting fed, a mum is a mum….. you have to stick up for your family. I had to try to keep my head above water all my life. This woman only thinks of herself.
old therapist told me "nothing you do is going to change them" and that really changed my perspective. I hope this helps someone.
The questions never ever asked were “How do YOU feel?” Your “What do YOU want?”. Being seen as a good mother was uppermost with my mother, actually being one - of course - never was. My mother was outraged when my high school counselor suggested to her that I see a therapist - it made her look bad!!!
Instead of being a good mother mine saved up and bought me a HUGE teddy bear when I was 3. On the way home, I quietly wound the car window down and threw it out. It was at night. They went back to try to find it but I'd thrown it out tens of miles away. She knew that I was onto her phoney ways. She admitted when I was 25, to never having loved me when I told her on the phone just the sound of her voice made me want to cry.
These days she's guilt ridden and she rants and raves loudly. I quietly reminded her that she hardly lets me speak and when I do, it's her reacting and over reacting. I said this is why I shut myself off from her for decades. Shattering to her but she's gradually facing it. I have had to do all the emotional work. Plus I had thyroid disorder that amplified all my trauma. I have tried very hard to not repeat her mistakes but the reality is that due to the lack of good role models I have some characteristics that are. I just have to work on it but hardly knew who I was for decades. It's just hard work. she was jealous of my beauty and never gave me any positive feedback. So I never believed I was beautiful. No real self confidence.
@@deborahcurtis1385 I’m sure she knew you were beautiful - she was just jealous!
thanks Mary. Support and love never got through to me when I needed it most. Her mother on her deathbed said she saw history repeating itself with how my mother treated me, repeating from her own jealousy and abuse of my mother. But she never got to apologise, my mother refused to go to her deathbed to hear it. She blocks out what she doesn't want to hear and just shouts. So I have had to do all the recovering, and now I talk gently but persistently. It's asking a lot. But after ss many years of hard work, I'm getting some kind of reward in the form of inner security. @@marykfrymire8020
Same. I couldn’t have one thought, one feeling, one need, one anything of my own or she’d be in a rage! Heaven forbid I get sick. When I had my first of two eye injuries she told me to kill my self and hated me the sicker I got (which was because of her). I literally lived in mental hospitals and emergency rooms from suicide attempts and she tortured me more. She was a demon straight from hell.
@@deborahcurtis1385I'm hoping you've cut off contact with her. If she has ever said she wants to get better or wants to work on yourself for you, but you're doing all the work... that's a lie. That's a lie just to get you back. She should be doing all the work, as she's the person with the disorder. Not you. You can't heal if you're in the same environment that made you sick.
I’m 17 with a dad who has servere narcissism. I struggled to have a relationship with my father for a while and I got to a place where he made me absolutely miserable. My advice for minors who are stuck with narcissistic parents is to simply do your own thing. Is easier said then done since they have huge issues with control. But for me, I got a job, bought almost everything on my own and was able to release some of the control that was over me. Your mental health is important and shouldn’t be compromised to fit the needs of your parent. Do what you have to in order to make sure you are okay!
This is called insulation and it’s insulating yourself from the comments, neglect, varying levels of abuse that one may encounter. Thank you for sharing this comment. I think many people will find it very helpful.
So true! I am so pleased for you ♥️
What do you do when you’re 20 but they won’t let you get a job or leave the house?
@@kamy6389 Difficult , my Daughtet is 17 , wants a job ,; freinds & a life , my ex come and got her , she is half the size , she was with me. In 12 months she had 7 days outside in fresh air exercise , whole body has deteriorating muscle wastage horrendous , her .mum turned her against me now , Horrendous what my daughter is going through .b
@@kamy6389 my advice would be (if you are experiencing abuse) to pack a bag(s) with things things you need and maybe something you'd like to keep, make a plan to stay at a friend's or a shelter (look online if you can) and call the police. You are an adult and they are imprisoning you against your will. Even if it doesn't stand as a "crime" they can arrest your parents for perhaps they could assist in your escape by being there. Also look into the churches in your area if you have any as they may be able to provide you with some help.
I saw several of these points and shouted louder in agreement than a preacher in church. It’s good to know that I really am not alone 😊
Sir, you are so not!
SAME!
i totally want to go to therapy, but with someone who loves me, who doesnt have an agenda, who is like 'love, we gonna do this together', so i can learn what a balanced relationship should feel like, and not feel emaressed or scared
My narcissistic mother would tell us at age 6 that she “didn’t like us very much right now”…probably due to us having an opinion or something. She’s now in her late 70’s playing the victim bc of course she remembers none of the emotional and physical abuse…I have no time for it.
Wow… my mother said the exact same thing
I reversed ALL of the pain and hurt by taking care of my mother when she became old. She could never admit all of the damage she did to me, but its all she knew. I got therapy myself all these years, and can articulate now what happened to me. Caring for her when she was old, frail, and then died healed us both. Even if they cannot apologize, or don't 'remember' forgive them for your own good, and for your own children. To have peace for yourself.I ended up as an Empath as well, and its a gift for helping others. Love is the only answer.
We all do learn what we live , as children, by watching the adults around us. We can't blame our parents because blame seeks punishment, we were victims of victims.
That's how they were treated, destined to repeat it ,
I am 71 now ,
I am an identical twin, I was introduced as" this is Annette she is a twin ,but her twin is dead."
My Father delivered us on the lounge room floor ,
My sister passed a week later ,we were put into separate humey cribs, we were 2 lb each.
My Father loved me dearly ,we having a very close bond , my Mother did not show me Love ,only anger and jealousy,
until my father passed,
Infact she treated me completely different from my three siblings.
I have learned that Forgiveness is the answer to everything.
It sets us Free.
Show me the child of 7 years old ,and I will show you the man,
(Bruce Lipton's truth)
And from then on ,we are the one responsible for our own behaviours, until we change them.
We do only Have one Mother ❤️❤️
🙏🙏❣️❣️
@@annettecarroll5217 Love this...believe in this...thank you Annette
Isn’t it odd how they “never remember.” Somehow my mother completely forgot or blocked out years of abuse, neglect, & emotional abuse. I wonder if it’s easier for them to deny or if these moments weren’t even memorable enough for them.
I've spent years saying "my parents just never loved me" and people couldn't wrap their minds around it. I finally know it's because they both have NPD. I don't know how I went so long without realizing it. My whole life, all I ever needed was to be loved and empathized with.
🤗
Sounds like my life. I so understand you.
And accepted for who you are!!
It took me 40 year's. And oh boy was she 🙀🙀🙀🙀
Boy I can relate
I was told not to focus on my looks - no makeup as a teen, no fancy clothes. I was told that was because my mother said that her mother focused on that so much and made her dress that way, hair in Shirley Temple curls, etc. In retrospect, however, my mother always looked nice. Not overly put together like she said her mother made her do, but very nice. My friends always said my mother was so beautiful/pretty, but I was never supposed to do that. When I dropped out of college she was upset at first, but then I met a young man who she adored. After two years I decided to return to college, but in a part of the country she disapproved of, and she was not at all happy. Even when I graduated she didn't seem happy at my graduation. She was never happy for me (marriage, etc.) unless she approved.
It sounds like you had a complex relationship with your mother. It can be difficult when our loved ones don't show support and approval in the way we hope for. Remember to focus on your own happiness and achievements, regardless of others' opinions.
My dad was a narcissist, he violently beat my narcotic addicted mother when I was 10, ironically hospitalizing her in the same hospital he worked at, in the lab. He left us to remarry right after, and became even more absent than he was before. The chess piece analogy is so fitting. He would belittle me, insulting my lack of interest in school afterward.
I grew up and dated narcissists as an adult. I got pregnant and my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me having a child. It was all full tilt horror when this narcissist boyfriend, wishing to shame me into not having my child, picks up the phone and calls my dad to tell him. Suddenly, I have the father of my unborn child, my dad and his equally narcissist wife all screaming at me about my irresponsible pregnancy. Boyfriend bought me a one way ticket to another state where I moved in with my sister and prepared to have a baby, I was about to turn 32, for reference. Far away in another state from all of them, I now deeply regret taking their constant phone calls, sinking deep in depression as they all urged me to give my baby up in order to not raise it as a single mother. At 8 months pregnant, I began to seriously contemplate suicide. The strange thing that saved me was I have a lot of empathy, and I began to think about how physically healthy I was, and I thought about all the people on organ transplant waiting lists, and how selfish I would be to die without being viable to be an organ donor. ( Children of narcissists are often so sensitive to those around them, and learn to read the room, so to speak). Thankfully, I did not go thru with my dark thoughts and I gave birth to a healthy son that I raised on my own with bottom of the barrel minimum child support. I eventually learned how to obtain some help from others that I lacked myself as a parent, and mostly I raised my son the exact opposite of how I was raised.
Fortunately, my son grew up to be very independent and successful. Unfortunately, he had to live with me, and I am a very fractured, somewhat mentally ill person who struggles with anxiety. My son's memories of life with me are laced with trauma, so he is not as close to me as I would like, but I am grateful nonetheless and he always tells me how much he appreciated me always believing in him. We sat down and talked a few years ago, he asked me to tell him all about what happened and I did. He was shocked, he could look at all the different perspectives of the people involved and make assumptions that I could not. The strangest thing now to deal with now that everything has come and gone is my gut reaction whenever I see a father out in public engage so lovingly with a young daughter, or when people post tributes to their father on social media or on Father's Day. My late father's relatives are on my FB, so I never post anything at all about my dad because they are are not as in touch with their feelings as I have become. It hurts deeply realizing that the ones who tried to pry my desire to be a parent out of my hands were the only ones who could not handle parenting, yet projected it all out on me. I never, ever want to cause that sort of harm to another living being. I cannot imagine putting anyone through that sort of angst and pain.
My dad was a classic narcissist while my mom was guilt trip type narcissist. A technique that helped me was “re-write” my past in journal, and gave myself different parents who taught me to love myself rather than the parents I actually had who basically taught me to hate myself, this helped me to kind of recondition my mind and realize that I do matter.
Same here - on all counts! I hope you’re experiencing the vitality and happiness you deserve now!
You matter a great deal. This world needs your uniqueness.
@@BK-tp6jf I feel you
I really like this idea, it sparks my imagination! Still struggling with all this at 61 and 90 year old mother!
My parents are both narcissists my mother guilt game, jealous, rages, controlling my father the blame game its always your fault or ignores you if he doesn't like what he hears. I left home at 18 after a big fall out of cause it was all my fault 🤣. I am now 50 they are old vulnerable stubborn hoarders and the house is falling apart and dangerous they won't let anyone help and its not their fault its yours! 😱😥
It's been 2 1/2 years since I've spoken to my covert narcissist mother. It's good to know others can relate. I became a rebel in my teenage years, I always knew something was "off", I just couldn't express it then. The only problem is my relative family is having trouble believing me when I tell them about the lifetime of abuse, they never saw bruises so everything was fine to them. That's what makes my mother the most brilliant of monsters.
I can relate. My narc biological father was just never in my life, by his choice. My single narc mother really had me walking on eggshells until I rebelled as a teenager. It was short lived because I just got tired, exhausted, and detached. I'm 50 and just realising in recent years that the lifetime of emotional pain I felt around her and my family, who always sides with her, was very real and not my fault. So in going nc with her, I went nc with the whole family. They are all so fecked up, they don't consider her abusive or neglectful, and she was both.
Very sorry you went through this abuse from someone who was supposed to be loving and kind….unfortunately others are unlikely to believe you because all they see is the “nice person “/“good mother “ mask she wears.
Feel good to stand by what you know is true.
Five years here. Kudos
“Brilliant monster”….mine didn’t speak to me for years. Her precious son stole my inheritance….she defended him.
I am in the exact same situation; but for me it's ancient history and most of the family is gone; but i totally relate to all the comments above
That inner critic is certainly a tyrant. I have lived with it up till this very moment and my parents have been dead for decades. I am 68 years of age and still have the inner critic .This is so good to hear that people really see and understand this very debilitating disorder and dilemma. Its so evil what parents that are this way do to there children whom they are supposed to love and nurture. Because of this and other Doctors on youtube I am open to getting help to deal with what I have gone through. So thanks Doctor. Everyone else, don't give up if that was on your mind to do so. I think in the end it will all be for good that there are people that have gone through this trauma and evil experience. God does not waste anything.
❤❤ my reply is above, I put it as a comment by mistake.
I think it's wonderful that we have these resources now as I've had a very traumatic upbringing but all "looked marvelous " from the outside. My daughter and I have both disconnected from the FAMILY, first time in my life that I feel peace! I'm 51 now. Good on you Billy Goat!
Your comment gives me hope. I'm 55 and just now looking back on the wreckage of my life and realizing the depth of the emotional damage that my narc mom and shitty father had on my self-esteem and choices. My inner critic is a formidable foe, she's not going without a fight.
i am in this evil sad circumstance as well, i am female and 20 years old, do you have any advice for me as a 68 year old?
@@icansaveher you are 20 and recognize a narcissistic parent, that is huge!! I didn’t recognize my fathers NPD until I was 64 years old. My advice- get all the education you can, seek therapy if needed with a therapist who understands NPD, if you have to go no contact to survive w/o abuse then do it. Be as independent as possible so you don’t have to rely on the parent financially or otherwise. You are strong, enlightened and will have a full life ahead as yourself and not the person that parent wants you to be for them. God Bless!!
I’m 27 with two beautiful kids and I feel like I’m JUST noticing that I was raised from a narcissistic Mom and a dad that didn’t care about me. It just hit me the last few years. I can and could never treat my children like I was treated. Their feelings are #1 to me.
Wow… I’m 53 years old. I wish I had heard this when I was 12. My father came to this country a refugee that grew up in workforce concentration camps. He’s a twisted mind. Always hated me, and still does in his 80s. He has been a real Judas to all family members. But he especially enjoyed mentally and emotionally shocking/ traumatizing children. Locking us in closets for days. He attempted to “end” me a few times and make it look like an accident. Thankfully he’s stupid and couldn’t make his plans work. He fears me now… and he should.
I thank God for my American grandparents from Texas. (My mothers side) So kind . I think of them frequently.
I tell my adult children that I love them, every day. They know the story, but they will never really know.
One day I told a coworker friend of mine my story . And then asked her. What kind of psycho does stuff like that to their own flesh and blood? Let alone to any child or creature??
She looked me right in the eyes and said, “ it happens every minute of every day Vince !”
That broke my heart.
Protect the innocent out there.
honestly i don't know how anyone found to have a compulsion to bully kids - their OWN kids no less is considered safe to be roaming among people - sorry i dont think theres any need to be pc about putting the rights of kids before any parental "rights" and certainly before any child abusers rights
Judas is the right word to describe them. My father is a Judas.
Jealousy
It happened to me. My mom. I would be in fear of my mom killing me when I walked home from school. I didn't know what mood she would be in. I later rebelled as a teen. I worked out in school. When she threatened to hit me at age 16 I threatened to beat the living shit out of her if she ever touched me again. It's not disrespectful to stay that to your mom if she tries to kill you. Police were called on her over 8 times but no arrest and nothing happened to her for her abuse. California sucks and no one really cares about you as a child. Unfortunately, what can people do?! I have heard of foster kids getting graped. So what's better for the children? It's a evil world we live in. Now that I am married and have a child I don't understand how my mom could do that to the ones she was supposed to love. I have gotten counciling and read books on how to heal from the abuse. Praise God! Also becoming a Christian and having God by my side saved my life. I have forgiven my mom the best I could. Understand that she grew up in a toxic family with other narcissistic family members. I also understand that she was wrong and as an adult you are fully accountable for your actions regardless of their childhood. I called them out for their wrong doings and explained why they are bad. I put my foot down. I created boundaries and hold to them the best I can.
It is frustrating to explain to people that don't go threw this why I do what I do. Example I told my husband and mother in law that if anyone hurts my daughter I will kill them ( I know. I will for sure have boundaries and safety up so I don't put my daughter in that situation. I would never leave my daughter alone with my mom. ). No one will ever hit my daughter or physically hurt her. Our laws don't do anything to people that hurt children so I will take care of the problem myself and get a lawyer, not talk to police at all, zero talking and move to another country that will not put me to prison and protect my daughter. Look at Epstein. He hurt how many women and didn't spend one night in jail because he is rich!!! No! I care about my daughter. You want to live then don't hurt my children!!!
I also said to my parents if you ever want to see your granddaughter then no matter what she does you will not hurt her or hit her. You come to my husband or me and we decide how to solve the problem. She is our daughter not yours. If you don't respect the boundaries you don't love me your daughter or your granddaughter and should not see us ever again. I could care less. Seriously don't mess with me if you value your life. God will forgive me of killing child abusers. So yes I am deadly serious. I do not tolerate child abusers. No excuses!!!
Child abusers lives are deposable. No one on this earth deserves anything not even life. The air we breath, food and water is a blessing you do not deserve. It is a privilege to have these things. We were never garanteed life. We don't know when we will die or how long we live. It's all a gift from God. God made us. God didn't have too but he did. So we should be thankful for all we have. Abusing children is taking advantage of others and being selfish. No one will care if these people live or die. Better off the abuser dead then the children! Abuser will not hurt anymore if eliminated! We need to change America and start executing these people and hanging them on trees all the ones that harm people. No tolerance! Bring justice to the really victims.
@@michellemyers8583 "Unfortunately, what can people do?! " One thing we can do is to stop letting parents think they have any "rights" over their kid.
they have no rights only responsibilities protect their kids human right to not be abused or ignored or isolated so that they may to grow into an a adult capable of making their own choices with their own free will and enjoy relationships with others without hatred or low self esteem.
biological parents only advantage to parenting a kid is that they may have managed to get their chid to form a secure attachment to them in their early years .. this is no right of the parent it is for the right of the kid to lead a life not crippled with social anxiety.
not even 60% of children manage to for secure attachment to their parents so by no means are parents as a group doing great at raising kids who relate in healthy ways to others.
all this to say not enough parents seem to understand that biologically a human child is born less developed than most animals and we only survive as a group when parents put children's emotional and physical needs above their own and when all adults put all childrens needs above all adults needs.
There definitely are things you must never say or do to your own child regardless of context and i think we should start fining or suing parents or something because too many think having a kid means you no one can judge how you behave any more .. because we literally don't! until it reaches horrific proportions
It's so disturbing to read in the comments that people were happy and relieved when their mother/father died. And yet, I totally understand it. When you live with a narcissist, it's like living with a terrorist or a sadistic prison warden. They terrorize and torture you every time they can get away with it, which is often. They repress you and oppress you and you feel worthless, powerless, paralyzed, and silenced. They have power over you, and they keep you under their thumb. So it feels like the only way out, the only relief, the only escape, is when they die.
I feel like my fathers death would be liberating for me for sure
@TheSpirit AndTheBride It really is. I feel immoral for thinking that way. But thats just how I am. I am insecure, I second guess everything I do lol
It was a relief when my abusive narcissistic male parent died. When he was alive, he tried manipulating me by being super nice. How can I give a shit about someone who traumatized and abused me? It was extremely difficult being around him because I hated him. I’m glad he’s dead.
@@deeprollingriver5820 I hear you
yeah i didnt cry when my mother died i was releaved. her hatered was gone and i could begin to heal.
I'm 54 years of age and just walked away from my narcissistic mother and father, suffered from mental health all my life . Find it so hard to get passed my childhood, mental and physical abuse from my father who had a wife who whispered in his ear . Tried all my life to gain there love , after a beating my father would try and apologise and tell me he loved me , how can you love someone you beat and lock away so no one could see the marks on my body . Every time I think about my childhood I feel like my heart is going to explode .
So sorry. Hope hope you are healing.
I can't thank you enough for this video. I don't even know where to begin...
I found myself weeping, bawling my eyes out. The tears were lurching out of my eyes from deep within my soul.
I knew my mom was narcissistic, but to hear you talk about it in this way has left me speechless. I see where I've continued on with her narcissistic traits, because it's all I knew as an isolated only child, and while I have improved significantly over the last year, I desperately want to be completely healed from this.
A lot of this healing has taken place since she passed in January of 2023 and while a lot of people tell me they're sorry for my loss, I feel conflicted because I'm relieved to be free from her abuse and still feel sadness that she could never love me the way I needed her to.
Coming from a very broken and dysfunctional childhood herself, it makes sense how she became the way she was, but it wasn't until hearing you speak in this video about how it is malarkey that it wasn't my fault, because every day of my life it's "been my fault". I was never good enough for her. I was an intelligent child who got the highest awards in elementary school, so much that the school wanted to move me up two grades, which mom didn't pursue, but after we relocated to another state, and I was receiving bullying, my grades dropped significantly. Because I no longer got straight A's my mom threatened to put me in foster care. This pattern of abuse of disregarding me continued until the day she died. That was 35+ years of trauma, abuse and neglect.
I realize this may be TMI for UA-cam, but if you are somebody who understands the pain that comes from being raised by a narcissistic parent, I just want to tell you that you are incredible, you are amazing, you are loved, and you are beautiful. And I just want to apologize and say that I'm sorry on behalf of your narcissistic parent because they may never tell you that they're sorry and that you didn't deserve it, but I want to be that person for you. So, I'm sorry they treated you the way they did I'm not the abused you and that you grew up like I did.❤
You’re very welcome.
Your response floored me! I 100% felt your pain, share your history, and believe God so much, I celebrate your future. There is/will be a Beautiful life AFTER Narc parents. We live,We love, We Thrive.
Much love,healing,and
growth. ❤
I divorced my malevolent covert narcissistic mother 23 years ago. The best thing I ever did. It took time to get my life on track….hard work.
Today I own my life.😊
Glad to hear you focused on growing and setting your own course for your life.
Wonderful
Same. Changed my last name legally at 22. 46 now and it was a huge step.
That's awesome. It's hard to do so congratulations.
This is what I want to do. Divorce my horrible mother. How did you do it? Did you just stop ✋talking to her.
I have a narcissistic mother and my life only got better when I stood out for myself and showed that I was going to do what I wanted, regardless of what she wanted. We had a huge fight, but it was necessary for me and helped me to her more empowered about myself.
Now I don't let her so close to me anymore and it's been better. Space is always necessary, physically and emotionally.
My God so much of this hit the nail on the head. This was our childhood. Unfortunately, the internalized shame and despair ended up with my sister dead at 32 years old. She was four years older than me. I'm 37 now and starting to come to terms with the horrific treatment we endured as children. No child deserves what we got, but everything looked perfect from the outside so nobody ever stepped in to help.
This describes my mom to a T.
I always felt like my emotional health and needs were not met as a youth. I was ignored when I calmly asked my mom questions, and only acknowledged when I got angry. My mom brought me to a pediatric psychiatrist when I was 7 and they diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder type 1. I honestly don't think I have bipolar, but regardless. Heavy psych meds started that next year. I'm now 31 and it's all I've known.
Also, my mom tends to bring up my flaws and anger, and almost always leaves out my accomplishments and my loving, caring personality. Furthermore, I've learned to be passive over time, thus having a hard time asserting my needs and wants. Though, now I'm in therapy to help me learn to be more assertive.
My mom made me apologize and say "I'm Sorry" after every episode I've had. I personally believe that saying "I'm Sorry" means "I made a mistake and it won't happen again" so that's why I could never apologize like that, despite her getting mad that I couldn't.
My mom always got on my nerves about all of my online friends and even told me numerous times to go out and make friends in the neighborhood. I have social anxiety issues that prevent me from doing so and I've told her about this countless times. She just doesn't get it.
I came home from 7th grade one day visibly upset. I ran upstairs to my room and started crying. When my mom got home from work, she yelled at me to come downstairs and start doing my homework. I had my door opened and the opened upstairs/foyer made my crying highly audible. Not once did she come upstairs to check on me. When my dad came home 2 hours later, he was the one who finally came up to check on me.
My mom and I have always been oil and water on a lot of things. And I really never felt loved by her. I was always closer to my dad than I ever will be with my mom.
I am so sorry this happened to you, you are not alone. My mom lied to a shrink and tried to get me committed to a mental hospital as an adult.
Plz know that your independence away FROM the Narcopathetic parents control & firm boundaries is the best of only revenge we can work towards & get.
I didn't have to write off my narcissistic mother and passive father after I started giving my personal opinion that clashed with my mother's. My mother did it. Dad had to follow or feel Hell's fire from her. They are both gone, forgiven and not missed. I finally have peace.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think making peace with some of our most challenging issues is so important.
The most powerful thing you can do,and continue when needed, is to forgive them,yourself and the past. It gives you more peace and understanding ,and knowing that even if you cut all contact and connections this frees up hurt and anger. I had to allow myself to be hurt,sad and angry. Validate all my past and present emotions and confusion. Then...when ready, I started the forgiveness path. I hope everyone gives themselves this freedom and empowerment when you're ready💗
@@janetheresesbye6034 what is your recommendation for learning forgiveness?
@@sandrasiecgrist9233 , your question is a good one. I wish I could give you a recipe, but I honestly think this can be different from one individual to another. In my case,after years of forgiveness, hoping things would be better if only I did this and that...I had to let go. And never look back. And bear no resentment or bitterness despite what they ( family) have done to me. This can also be different from what you, me or other people experience. Another thing I do,is to acknowledge emotions or memories, which fades in time. I also started to do things,and hobbies that I always wanted to do,which was denied. This again made me connect with great people, new friends, and now I earn some money through my hobbies/ creations. I am sorry that I have no clear recipe,or advice. It did help meeting people who was able to listen, and to get some insight from psychologists. And be mindful. I am not a particular great writer,I am more of a " talker",and to connect and listen. I hope you find a way to let go,that is meaningful for YOU 🌈
@@janetheresesbye6034 Thank you so much for replying! I never know if someone form YT will or not so I take the chance anyway. Here’s one thing I struggle to understand where it’s right or wrong, even if there is no right from wrong answer, but did you ever confront the person directly? Like for me it’s my parent. I want nothing more than to confront him and let him know all the ways he hurt me whether or not that’s futile, I doubt it will matter. My sibling I tried to address as well because he is a product of the same pod but he too refuses to set aside personal differences in order for us to all work together as a family for my mom’s sake. It’s the most divisive situation ever and I know I need to be free from his rudeness, hatefulness and general ego trips but for now, it only seems that when he dies, will I have peace. I’m so sick of it all and want nothing more than to sweep my mom from his own demise and find joy in all that life has to offer because the Lord knows....I am very blessed! I am hoping by listening to the multiple videos and reading comments of similar struggles, I can formulate some sort of game plan. I think in many ways, it would be different if I know I would never have to be around him again so this is my internal war. I’ve always found that when people turn a blind eye, let the water roll off of the feathers, there is always some volcanic eruption somewhere that could have been prevented. I definitely value all thoughts and suggestions but also realize every situation can be slightly different. If we were all the same, we would be drones and how boring would that be?! Lol
That bit about the parent not wanting therapy... Spot on. And it's sad bc they are the ones who need it most. But they don't believe in it, and completely dismiss the idea of it.
They are actually in fear of being found out as insecure, fearful, self sabotaging and guilty.
They are more prone to claiming your mentally ill and finding yes doctors to label you or far worse. Attempting to compel a narcissist to seek help is like trying to touch the sun in the sky. You can see it for yourself but you can never touch it. You see the narcissist for who they are but you can never change that sadly.
I was even sent to concentration camps as a small child. Due to hiding in my room 24/7 outside of school. Since I was severely abused and neglected at home. Then I'd go to school and be bullied by students and teachers alike. I was physically abused when I was younger. Psychologically emotionally abused for the all my life to date. I was sexually abused on one occasion as well. I ended up an empath with CPTSD and an anxiety disorder.
It didn't help that every single place I've worked has exploited and abused me. All while gaslighting me on top of it. Not to mention nearly every single person I've ever known since I was a small child has just exploited me. Many often being very toxic the majority of people steal from me. I had teachers stealing from me as early as first grade. Then gaslighting me when I caught them in the act one day at recess. Tragically an overwhelming majority of the people I've dealt with for over 30 years now have only exacerbated everything. I've seen the worst in humans and have been on the receiving end of far worse than that directly. Far to numerous of times to keep track of anymore.
Don't bother on therapy for narcissists... they are their own demons but won't admit it. I just discover this among my family members. Not worthy of our time to associate much with them.
Often they will say "it's a sign of weakness".
My mother would insist on going to therapist or counselor alone for one session, then come home and proclaim that "They told me I have no problems, I'm perfectly delightful and well adjusted and fascinating to talk to. They said it's all of YOU with the problems, you're all jealous and spiteful."
Sure they did 😕😓😐
For those that are still confused, upset, frustrated, and feeling hopeless… keep going, keep learning. I wish you all this amazing moment of clarity. The feeling will come unannounced and when you least expect it. The feeling will include a sense of confidence, happiness, and peacefulness within. This feeling will include a complete shift in understanding due to the previous knowledge and experiences that guide you.
You will know when it hits you because it will come at the time when you accept and become at peace with yourself. You will have no more anger or anything towards that person (or persons). And this person will help you by testing you to the point where you can not be fooled no more. Have a wonderful life and know that you and only can control and you choose who you let into your inner circle!!!!
Don’t give up!!!
Thank you
I was well into by 30's before NPD was actually recognised but I didn't learn about it for another 20+ years, when circumstances relating to my mother's death, and the internet for research, lead me to the answer I'd sought all of my life i.e. why, when I never did anything wrong, legally or morally, when I performed well at school, went to higher ed., worked and was financially independent, she was always so cruel and critical. As a child, I had no way of knowing that all mothers weren't cheerful and kind in public, but cruel and critical - to one child at least - behind closed doors. As others have said, it was a lonely place - but there is a silver lining i.e. when she died I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.
Gosh healing the inner childhood wound has been tough. Then healing from ex psychopath...trauma bond. Been healing for over 3 years . Hugs to everybody trying to love themselves 💙💙💙
Same here, you are an empath my love.
Amen. Hugs to you too.🤍🤍🤍
The healing takes place over a lifetime and little by little it gets better. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to heal.
Keep up the great work. Trauma bonds are your final test or gauntlet. You rock!👍
💜💜💜 Melissa Miller
As the son of a narcissist father this video has touched so many emotions to the point of almost crying. My childhood was so messed up.
You are not alone.look here,I was raised by a narcissistic grandma, married to a narcissistic husband and employed by a narcissistic boss,life hasn't been easy for me😢
im sorry.-
It took me so long to realize that my grandma and my dad both had it and were basically the same person. It all clicked after a huge family blow up. It’s crazy that I’ve spent a majority of my life thinking I was the bad person because I was relieved when I wasn’t living with my parents anymore. It felt so good to be free from the stress and the walking on eggshells.
I hope you can heal from this I understand you completely having a narcissistic father ❤@miriamkusimbo2841
❤
I realize my whole life and almost everything I do is to try to be worth the air I breathe.
I made a goal to get a 4.0 in college and had a 3.8. I never felt accomplished. It’s just me trying to be good enough. I have my whole life done service jobs and cared for people in an attempt to try to be good enough.
I have an infinite empty sadness in me because I really feel that except for my daughter, not a soul actually cares about me. I always end up with narcissistic friends and boyfriends too just because I am used to not being considered. And I try to not even have any needs.
I am glad that thru learning I have the chance to grow and evolve past this.
It made me a really good hearted person but at what cost? I’m at the end of my rope for suffering. I tired of life being trauma after trauma.
I'm diagnosed BPD and have a narcissistic mother.
I'm 40 now and when I had my son who's now Six, I had to cut mother off so she couldn't destroy my child's life as well.
I've had the best six years of my life, not only being a Mom but free from my narcissistic mother.
Yet another great video, thank you Dr Fox.
Penny Bunny, I did this too. My first two I didn’t let them go to her and his house alone. I went with them. Then by my 3rd baby I had learned and kept them away from them. It was peaceful. BUT guess what? When they turned 18, this woman began to call them in her own without me knowing and love bombing them. That bought them a car each, phones, furniture cloths kitchen stuff everything even though they had their own already from me n their dad. None-the- less she love bombed them, injected meanness in me to them for keeping them away from her and dad. All those years she had been planning how to destroy what the kids had with me. This started until she had them go no contact with me. My youngest went two years with not speaking to me. The two older ones I still haven’t seen - five years. Also she had planned for literally my whole life to screw me. She didn’t file my birth certificate w the state, I had a military birth certificate that was fine with employers until 911. I had interviewed for a new job and got the offer then a letter came said they couldn’t identify me. HR couldn’t tell me why. Long story short I went for five years trying to get a job taking all kinds of hell from all directions my car was reloaded etc and she was my biggest critic for being such a bad person I couldn’t even get a job. I applied for a passport my and finally they pinned down the problem it was that she never filed my real birth certificate and knew this all along. So I’m saying to give you a heads up, she’s sitting at her place plotting how to get to your son when he is adult. I had explained to my kids completely. They get really hurt in the teen years for not having grandparents. I hope this will help you to some how ??? Ward it off for you and your son. Peace to you and good luck protecting them. I no doubt had to deal with feeling if I failed to protect them in the end. I know it’s not my fault but I NEVER dreamed she would go this far. Oh when I told her about the birth certificate she just gave me that gotch grin no sorties no remote just floating.
Hugs
Penny, it sound like you are a understanding mother, keep at it.
I'm 50. This is why I never had children. Even watching my N mother interact with my dog reinforces the fact that this was a responsible decision on my part. Shame, really, 'cause I always wanted kids and think I would have been a pretty good mother.
@@sabeaniebaby I chose very young to not have children or marry. The horrible relationship my parents had made me think a family would be bad. Today I love my pets and help stray animals and know I would have loved being a mom.
Fancy gifts have less value to me because I associate them with "buying love". My family is highly guilty of doing this.
At least your gifts are fancy. My narc mom gives me dish towels and kitchenware.
I haven’t had a nice personal gift from her since I was a kid.
As soon as my golden child older brother got married, his wife became the daughter my mom adored.
Jesus christ referenced living waters 💎👩✈️👨✈️Tesla referenced human energy 👻🌬science described water memory 🌊🎭💎psalms16:24kj proverbs27:19 existence psychologically spiritually god bless fight the good fight admirable 💎🗽🤍🛶🌪💨😷🌬
Try listening to Derek prince or Jordan Peterson he's a psychologist 🤍🗽💎too god bless creation
same
Form of Control and to demonstrate they have a fiscal connection which is required for a nice Life INsurance policy ON You without your knowledge. Next thing, you experience a fatal accident because the car they alloted to you was rigged and your DEAD, They collect.
As some one who grew up with a Narc Father My best advice is to allow yourself to see them as separate from you, it is not your job to help them or fix them.. Just imagine your self as a duck and their words rollling off of you like water. In doing so you'll take back the power and control of your emotions im 35 and i'm just now learning this. It has changed everything
I met my future husbands Narc parents. Afterwards, I swore he was adopted. Now I understand, he was 'passive' as a result of surviving. But he was highly intelligent and was able to divert his time, energy & intelligence into an College Degree & a good career that kept him away from them. When I married their "Golden Child", I became the center of their hatred & name calling.
SUGGESTED TOPIC: How children of narcissistic parents can fix their "broken picker" so that they avoid dating, marrying, and/or having children with narcissists (because, let's face it, this happens over and over and over and the cycle needs to stop or never commence).
I agree. Tired of being cautious about getting into a relationship only to find out I still chose wrong. The only thing I do right is leave a few months in when they start ramping up the disrespect.
@@kaedatiger I do understand. We are drawn to the familiar....and this is a bad to dangerous thing when you're the offspring of someone with a personality disorder.
Sending you a hug~
@@le_th_ Thanks for the hug. I do love hugs.
Judging by the empathy in your comment, I imagine you're at least able to attract loving, supportive, reciprocal friends. It's just too bad that dating is a different process entirely and harder to see through the games.
Great suggestion! Indeed that is what usually happens. I believe the solution is getting to know ourselves and self love.
I also believe in learning how healthy relationships look and feel like. Through books, or talking to other people.
I notice I put up with a lot of neglectful friends even, unsupportive, unavailable when I need them. Because it feels familiar and what I deserve.
@@MissSarahGM Yes, I can relate to what you describe. The very few times I have really needed one of my (now former) friends, they were not there. Sadly, it often took more than a decade to figure out that they weren't going to be there the one time I needed them.
I also believe learning how healthy relationships look is really key. It's like we are adults who never had that behavior modeled for us and so we sort of flounder about (in our relationships) until we do find out.
I'm sorry you've had to experience this in life, as well.