Why Narcissist Never Says “I am Sorry”
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- Опубліковано 7 січ 2023
- Narcissists lack empathy so they never feel remorse or regret for their actions or inaction. They deny responsibility and shift the blame and guilt to others. Possessed of magical thinking, the narcissist feels immune to the consequences of his actions for four reasons:
(1) The narcissist’s False Self; (2) his dissociation; (3) his sense of entitlement; and (4) his past successes at evading justice.
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I’ve officially watched too many videos on narcissism. I no longer care what the narcissist’s motivations are or what their inner world is like and how I am only an object in their world. I was physically abused, sexually abused, and psychologically abused as a child. And for that reason I don’t want other people to suffer, people are people, they are not THINGS. Anyone who thinks they are, you need to stay as far away from them as possible. So tired of empathy disappearing from society in general… Empathy is the glue that bonds us - without there is no point, it is just a dance of the soulless otherwise.
Most people are really dumb, so they may as well be objects. A human being IS a thing. You being a “person” is just a delusion; you’re still an object in so far as you have a body and you can be used as a tool for whatever purpose. A human is a little bit more bothersome than a spoon since it’s just an object that knows it’s alive and is alive in a biological sense.
Also, how do you know that empathy is important or the “glue” which keeps us together? You don’t know that. You just made that up. And yes, people are soulless because souls don’t exist.
congratulations.. you have graduated
My truth ..this video .. apologies, remorse and recompense require a sense of humility, accountability and reciprocity
And yet after all that abuse you didn’t become the victimizer, they choose evil ..
You (I) require constant confirmation that I am not a narcissist and that my understanding of those f*#@! is not a distortion. These videos are my companion on this lonely journey.
That part hits hard: Your pain is their healing. Your crucifixion is their resurrection.
Oh they'll say they're sorry, they just don't mean it. Real life example. After i exposed my wife's 3-4 man affair and hard drug use, and STD spreading, she said "I'm sorry that i made you feel like less than a person, and worthless." I replied "The betrayal hurt really bad, but you never made me feel worthless, I know my worth and you can not take that away from me" After i said that, she got mad and started accusing me of all kinds of crap. See, she wanted to know that she had power over me, and when i showed her that she didn't. She freaked. It wasn't an apology, it was fishing.
This was a very eye opening comment. It confirms what I suspected. I think it's because it's how they feel, and they want not only for other people to feel the same way (worthless) but to also have power over others...to be the one on top so as to ensure that they'll never be on the bottom again, which never works out, and which they never learn. They don't seem to comprehend that the way to end the cycle and their misery is not through domination and power but through equality and self-responsibility.
My narc never said he was sorry unless he wanted something. And now I look back and see this.
Sometimes we think too much. Overthink everything but the truth is if you are trying that hard to see good in people (as I did for years) too much energy spent on his happiness and too little on you and your family.
Thank you for the video prof. Sam Vaknin. I was confused by the title... Also because my father says I'm sorry but I can already feel that he does not know for what or tells me want I want to hear.
@@Truth-4-Humanity They only apologize to confirm whether or not they had the desired effect on your psyche. If you show them that their efforts failed, you make yourself a target once again. They didn't finish the job, but they fully intend to if you let them.
When someone says "you need me" I hear "I need you"
My Narc never said he was sorry.. then months or years later he’d say.. I’ve apologized over and over but you’re just not forgiving me.. in reality he never once said he was sorry..
Omg, this has happened to me a week ago when I reunited in another country with my old love afyer few years.
I brought up a Subject of him going at night to his ex when we were together and he said ' I apologised 100 times . You just never heard it or accepted it'.
He never validated me. He never apologised for that. Yet after years he says he apologised hundreds of times.
I felt manipulated and realised owning own bad behaviour is worst that a death for him.
No future here.
wow. this is the best summary, matching roughly 95% of my four-year experience with a “fake friend”.
I had a therapist who couldn't say sorry. On one occasion she accused me of being late, when I wasn't. When it transpired it was her mistake she offered no apology. As time went on it became apparent she was incapable of saying sorry for anything. When I put this to her she wrote an email with a list of sorries, like a child doing it's homework. It had no sense of authenticity. I should have left her after the first instance but in my naivety I assumed a therapist would be more mature than this.
The most neurotic, narcissistic neighbor I've ever experienced, retired and took up becoming a therapist.
It's a wild jungle out there. Snakes in the grass with coin changers.
Therapists are just people. Anyone can get a degree.
I had the same thing with a therapist. She wanted to charge me to discuss why she hadn't apologised!
@@x04-tb7rgAbsolutely crazy. Remommend him/her another therapist 😂
I rarely received apologies from my NPD ex, but when I did, he'd say, "Sorry for the way things went". No specifics, no accountability- as if the universe was responsible for what he did or said instead of him. Always just empty words meant to pacify.
Or...sorry you took it that way.
I was offended gravely at dinner by husband of my friend. When I cried he said 'sorry for missunderstanding'.
So I misundertood the horrible offence he said right to my face 😉
After nearly 20 years of being a slave to a covert narcissist, your detailed description here, particularly their sense of entitlement is frighteningly accurate.
Classic quote of a Narc, when you call them out on hurtful behaviour.
I can not make you feel anything
It’s not what I say or do, it’s how you react
It’s because you are jealous
It’s because you are insecure
I got the parable of the scorpion and the frog.
With the clear statement that it was all my fault because I was stupid enough to be the frog.
Which, to be fair, is somewhat true. I’ve been learning. But I never broke any laws or did anything unreasonable either 😂
The narc I know gave a superficial apology then turned around and demanded an apology from me. I was flabbergasted.
My narcissistic husband embezzled from his workplace. I was told by him that I created him to be who he was when he made that choice. I am still in the process of divorcing him. People have told me to stop listening to videos on narcissism. Why can't people understand that learning about this disorder that he was diagnosed with, to be the best defense in this never- ending divorce process?
Speaking from experience, it can become addictive, too. Maybe the warnings are from ppl who geniunely care and see an obsession building? Good luck - the separating and freeing oneself is a job in and of itself.
Went OCD on learning, watching, reading about Narcissism the past 2 months. None of this info was readily available to the general public in my time of a devastating encounter. I'm surprised I'm not dead after the damage and self harm. The info would have saved a decade of confusion. Keep listening-- the impact and memory of the damage can dissipate within a day or so. I want to be reinforced, especially with the latest Hoover BS. The predictable pattern of this behavior is astounding and restores my faith in the field of Psychology.
Don't ever stop researching and learning this subject . I have a covert malignant narcissist mother !! The second you put your defenses down - game over! We can only deal w them by understanding wtf we are dealing with and how to /not to deal w them . And then keep all narcs out ! Red flags are everywhere in people . I trust NOBODY at this point except 2 friends , my therapist, God and my cat!!!
Over indulgence in narcissistic videos raises your understanding but also your levels of narcissism
People don't need anybodies sorry, but changed behavior towards them. Sorry is for washing your dirty consciousness, and changed behavior is for helping you and them heal and get over the wounds you created and they allowed. Most of the time people say sorry like it is just something nice to say and move on the same way.
Amazingly accurate in describing someone I was once married to. I had no idea what a narc was until 2 years ago when he called me one. He was fake nice, and funny thing was, he would say "sorry" to other people when it was TOTALLY unnecessary, really weird. But for actual wrong things he did to me - name calling, stealing my money, not doing chores except when it can be seen by others - he never thought he was wrong. He was above the law. Thank God for videos like this one, helping me to heal, and move on. Without Jesus in my life, I would have been destroyed.
Yes, God is a just God. They will answer. That's what gives me peace.
They SAY sorry but they are NOT sorry. They say I'm sorry you're going through this or that but don't forget you did this or said that...That is how they say sorry. They are sorry you react to their abuse and manipulation. Deep down it's a way of showing you who you're dealing with. It's soul crushing if it's a sibling who does it with such calm & arrogance.
My ex said he’s sorry multiple times . He knows how to play the game , and if he needs something in return
Sounds very much like a highly functioning, successful sociopath. They must share common traits. They are predatory - even in their non-blinking stare and will stop at nothing to manipulate their (next) victim. No remorse. Zero empathy. They shatter your life but turn the tables and place the blame on you in devaluation. Sadly, you (victim) cannot see it coming. What charm they possess! The manipulation is stronger than one can imagine. Decades later and videos like this one provide such insight. Thank you, Professor.
They always will do the same thing over & over… looking for your emotional response!
I have now learned after 30 years to ignore, show NO emotions…. They don’t like that!!!
I give it right back now because I have learned what he is.
Mine says ”I’m sorry you feel that way”.
Same, with a 30 year old "friendship"
Yep!!!! Same here!!!😂🤣😂
Perhaps the greatest 35 or so minutes about narcissism you can show to a layman audience to prevent narcissistic abuse.
No one wants their empty sorry anymore.
My covert narc 64 year old husband of 30 years an ordained minister plays victim and tells me I should put his affair with a 24 year old prostitute in the past and move forward while smearing me to his family. He thinks he's so important to them and God's gift to anyone he comes accross.. He thinks he's above the law won't even stand in a que. It's beneath him. I'm 3 months out and realizing how he manipulated me and how he charmed everyone around him. I now also realized that he was having affairs from the beginning of our marriage. I'm grateful that he never came near me for 21 years. No affection nothing!
Well done!
You're doing great without him!
Start living babe and don't look back. Beware of people in the church, it's an attractive career for narcs.
They don't know what love and affection is that's a fact or respect for that matter
With all due respect, I think then this poses an interesting question; Does this mean that even Sam Vaknin can't always detect a covert narcissist even after seven years?
That would simply mean these people are too good in posing and acting, and that there is no way to guarantee that someone close to you isn't secretly a huge narcissist. This actually is a question I'm thinking about a lot lately.
Has anybody else wondered if Sam and Richard might be engaging in an elaborate piece of performance art, an illustrative cautionary tale for the "self-styled experts" in the audience? Our voyeurism is guaranteed, innit, along with the projections of our shared fantasy with them? 🤔
@@RebeccaDQ Haha... I would like to believe that, since that would mean they didn't break... But I'm afraid the business aspect to all of this makes that extremely unlikely. They would both be suffering a hit in exposure and reputation since I think many would stay wary for either of them, even if they explained in the end.
@@RinyuuSenpai was thinking it might all be a set up to. But it seems way to real to me. I think he’s genuinely upset with his fake freind for it to all be fake. Plus I think if he is talking about RG , I think RG is literally a borderline or a narcissist so what he is saying unfortunately holds weight even if it is performance art. It’s unfortunately way to true to reality. Richard does bad mouth people and he does use people it’s very well known and documented all
Over the internet.
@Weaving A Tapestry
I’m extremely good at pissing narcissists of. Does that make me a bpd or am I just a codependent who’s good at annoying them, I literally don’t know. But I realised I have an uncanny ability to annoy narcissists and a lot of the time it’s not even deliberate.
. . My presence will just piss them of. I have received so many threats and stuff from like 5 different internet narcissists. For expressing my opinions and stuff. I have a way of pissing them of. But sometimes I’m shocked at the reactions I get , because I don’t deliberately try and annoy them. I actually don’t have much of an issue with narcissists, unless the narcissist is hurting people. But most of the time I genuinely am indifferent to narcissists, although for some reason a lot of them will make a b-line toward me.
@Weaving A Tapestry do u think Grannon is actually a covert…. If he is , his mask is elaborate.. it’s really Insane how good he is at faking.
They never say I am sorry.They use other words like ''I know I made a mistake ''(I got caught ) ''I know I failed you, '' (as if we don't know) Then inevitably that "but" will follow along with the excuse in which they victimize themselves because they are about to blame you ( the blame shifting ). And if you are not aware you end up defending yourself and you may even end up thinking that you are so lucky to still have them talking to you.
At the most…“I know what I said was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have done that”.
They never get to a place of personal reparation or growth.
They are so pathetic.
Thank you professor Sam. I was discarded by my fiancé of ten years, who cheated on me constantly and treated me like rubbish. I have spent seven months watching countless videos on narcissism. I came across one of your videos entitled Narcissism why can’t you get over them. Since then I have been hooked on your work, everything you say about narcissists is helping me tremendously thank you. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate your wisdom and truth God bless you 🙏
Sam you're a mastermind, you've put Grannon in a deadlock, I won't say more, I admire your intellect 🫡
Enlighten me please what happened?
My husband would never say thank you, give gifts, or even say another person's name when he talks to them. I used to wonder WHY!?? This video helps me understand why. Thankyou!
Inability to feel the hurt of other.
Indifferent to the hurt they cause, sometimes feeding off of the pain of other to feel good or superior
Disconnected from the effect of his actions - cannot conceive that others may feel or think differently.
Question:
If narcissists are that way due to having experienced childhood trauma, what can cause their waking up to reality? Why are they stuck and there seem to be no healing?
I dealt with a narcissist who wasn’t from my country. She had attained residency but did not speak the language. She was arrogant enough that she manipulated me to fill out an application for a job at Amazon. I helped. Then, when it came to completing some tests, she demanded I take the test in her name, which I wasn’t willing to do. I did tell her that I was willing to fill in the answers but that she had to do the work. .She tried to intimidate me into taking the tests for her too. Crazy people.!!! 🤪😜😛🤮🤢🎤🤢🤮🤮
My husband of too many years is a narcissist. I stayed with him for the sake of the kids, because I knew he would make them hate me. They’re all grown up, we’re separated… but the youngest, 25, is exactly like him. He did NOT learn that from me, so I have to assume that some ppl identify with the narcissistic parent because it suits their personality type. Our other three children are not like my son and his father. I really believe that some ppl choose the easy way through life. It’s a lot easier, On the surface, to be a victim and get even, than it is to have integrity. I don’t believe that both parents contribute to the development of narcissism always.
I stopped people pleasing when I was a teen. I absolutely refuse to say sorry unless I have violated some kind of moral boundary or truly hurt someone. A family member recentlytried to coerce me into that because I said “vent and cope” lol 😂 I just cant partake in low frequency conversations about others. So essentially the person came to vent about something that would never bother me I am not a flying monkey I dont hate ppl or anyone so I couldn’t give feedback other than telling them that they vented about something and that they need to cope with their feelings. Lol I then was called condescending and disrespectful. The only person that can demand a talk out of me is my boss lol 😂 not sorry tho.
I think the title is better served to read “Why the Narcissist isn’t Sorry” or “Why the Narcissist says but doesn’t mean I’m Sorry”. I heard it, albeit rarely, but it was a means to an end. Only to pacify, redirect, manipulate or secure continued supply.
They (narcs) get away with everything… my ex used to say he was “so lucky” because he got away with amoral behavior his whole life.
Your description of a covert narc is spot on, it’s as if you know him personally.
I KNEW HE WAS!!! The first time I saw his face a year ago I got chills from his awful eyes and stare, and was astonished why he was parading as some kind of victim and healer!
I feel this. I remember her gaze now as cold, empty but calculating. At the time, it felt like she was staring into my soul and I imagined that she was trying very hard to empathise with it but just missed the mark a little. Memories of her eyes disturb me now I know who she really is.
Exactly: We the small peoples; laws are for us. Doesn’t apply to giants like them. How sick to see oneself and others like that.
I never heard one sorry come out of his mouth 😂😂😂😂😂. Never never
How about if they apologize insincerely, in an attempt to act like you are condemning or judging, when you aren’t. For insignificant things or things they keep doing and think saying sorry excuses the behavior so they can repeatedly do it. Not a real apology of course, but an attempt to appear as if they care. But never an apology for the real harm they do. That’s someone else’s fault.
this one is easy - because they aren't sorry
Wow!!!!! You are sooooo right on the money!!!
I knew within a few months something was really wrong….. it took me years to figure out what he was!!!
I’ve been through hell ….
But…. Now that I am aware of what he is and how and why he is the way he is…. I feel sorry for him…. I feel bad for that little boy.
But I also know how evil he is as an adult.
And I know that he will NEVER EVER seek therapy!!!!
But knowing now what he is and how it transpired is power.
He will NOT destroy me, EVER!
I am watching these videos from the position of recently breaking up with a girl that I suspect has a personality disorder of some kind. A lot of the dynamics you are describing checks out perfectly, but this is someone I still love very deeply so it's hard for me to jump the gun. Up until now I have only thought about the relationship and the abuse that happened in it in broad terms, her complete helplessness, the insistence I treat her like a child with no responsibility, the extreme jealosy, the distrust, the attempts at establishing an extreme level of control over my life, and then in the later stages the ramping up of critique and devaluation followed by outbursts of violence (in cases where I would not comply with unreasonable demands such as breaking contact with a close friend she was jealous of or granting access to my private messages) and covertly sadistic push/pull games.
Recently though I have begun to think more about specific events and how they unfolded, and I wanted to share two examples here that happened near the end.
Number one was when we decided to meet again for the first time after a couple weeks off (due to sickness and travel) and she messaged me that she was a bit busy but could "meet between 3 and 4 tomorrow". We decided on a café to meet and I thought it was settled, I had understood her as saying we could spend the hour from 3 to 4 having coffee. So I showed up there at 3 and waited, she didn't show up so I got a bit anxious and annoyed and called her. She told me that we never decided anything, and proceeded to scold me for my idiocy. She said that "between 3 and 4" had meant that she wanted us to decide a time somewhere between 3 and 4 and I should have understood that and it was my job to specify the time. So I say "Ok, I misunderstood." and expected us to move on and decide some new time. This is where it got crazy.
Not only could she not accept that I had actually misunderstood her, she insisted that there was only one possible way to understand her message and therefore I must have pretended to misunderstand on purpose so I could go there and pretend she didn't show up to give myself an excuse to be angry and attack her. In other words I had engineered the entire situation on purpose because i don't love her and wanted to hurt her. This escalated to the most absurd level, I had seen her lose it in various ways before but I had never seen her being this absurdly illogical and seemingly divorced from reality. And in my mind it was such a small thing too, but of course she said I was the one making it big by not admitting that I had done it on purpose to hurt her, I was the one being obsessed and unreasonable. I kind of caved and asked her if she wanted me to pretend that I had done that and in response she seemed to close down, not close down like withdrawing but more like her brain literally stopped working. I got super worried and took care of her after which she just went back to some kind of normal and we didn't mention it after that.
The second event was near the end. We had again not met for some time but our messages had been loving and sweet etc. We talked about hanging out next weekend but it was a maybe if either of us could make it. Next she asked me if I knew about any fun parties for the weekend, we both like going to raves and such, and I thought this meant she wanted to go out together. So I look up parties and send her links and so on, she thanks me and we agree to talk the next day. In my mind we are planning a date. So next day i call her and ask which one she wants to go to, and then she says whe wasn't asking for us but instead a friend from Berlin is coming over the weekend and she wanted to know a party to take him to. I'm a bit at a loss there, but after a while I manage to tell her that it's really shitty to have me look for parties believing we're going out when she's actually just using me to plan with someone else. Again I'm prepared to accept the whole thing being a misunderstanding, and again she insists that I'm an idiot for even assuming it was about us (despite the context being us talking about spending the weekend) and that me being upset is impossible to understand. This also escalated in a really weird manner, but this time she acted mean and cold in a way that made me convinced I wasn't going crazy, this really was some kind of sadistic game.
Now these weren't the "worst" things that happened in our relationship by any stretch, like I said there were more extreme things like violence and extreme attempts at control earlier, but they were strange in a way that tipped me over to finally thinking there was something seriously wrong with her and leaving rather than chalking it up to her just being overly sensitive/jealous etc that just made me want to take care of her.
I have my own issues of course, like being attracted to this type of girl in the first place (although she's extremely pretty which doesn't help) that I have to work with. But for now I'm just trying to process this crazy relationship and how I could put myself through that for almost 2 years.
'"My" narc's motto about this subject is "I'm sorry YOU FEEL THIS WAY".
Every time i am ironing I indulge in your lectures…u make the ironing bearable 😊I even look forward to it😅
ive noticed a lot personality disorder gurus on youtube have same issues they talk about.
You mention a narcissist will never apologize, and I absolutely agree a narcissist will never give you a comprehensive apology with true remorse and accountability, but is it not possible for a narcissist to give the illusion of an apology when they believe the benefit to them is greater than the benefit of not apologizing? Or in an attempt to Hoover?
My experience was one of many, many apologies, but they were never given with a true sense of ownership of the wrongdoing and they never instigated change in behavior. Yet, even though I received frequent apologies, I have no doubt in my mind that what I was dealing with was narcissism!
A fake apology is not an apology.
Are you sure your a narcissist Sam?
The fact that even you can be deceived by a covert is a terrifying sign for humanity.
My dad is a covert narcissist. He has abused me my whole life. I have recently expressed to his girlfriend who called me crying that I will no longer have any patience for him. I have had so much abuse my soul will accept no more. I am much bigger and stronger than my dad he knows I can explode and blackout and rage. I feel I can pull his head off his body. He knows I am not fucking around anymore and will physically attack him blackout and pull his head off his body. Anyhow he now knows this and is changing his behavior towards me. So everyone dealing with a narcissist just make it a subtle sign you will take him/her out of this world violently and they will start treating you better.
Yes too true...never an apology...and he, my brother did cut me off in a heartless way, just stopped communicating...but he then came back...where are you ?was the cry ... I did vent my hurt and anger...then I said goodbye...it's been a year... I do not expect to hear from him or of him again...yes there is regret on my part..but I will not be treated badly by anyone... I'm better than that...as for empathy...it's still available for him, but I'm not!
PS:- thank you Sam...what a help you were ..you made my liberation from this insidious personality disorder easier.
A sincere apology means humbling themselves. Errrr-- I don't think humility is in their quiver as they bulldoze through life.
A secure person knows they'll screw up like everyone who ever lived. They'll have no problem with a sincere apology.
A Narc's "Halloween Costume" is layers deep to hide their massive insecurity- sprinkled with magical thinking dust.
Life is too short- bite the bullet ( however difficult ) and get away from these damaged creeps.
Prof. Vaknin, there are so many shoshanim and baby seals you can talk to all the time :) thank you for everything.
Grannon started off very humble but I've always felt he was like a snake in the grass studying Vaknin all the way long.
Grannon is on David ickes ickonic channel. Personally I never took to him on utube and never log on to his blogs. Happy new year Sam you are a good man and I hope that you read your comments to see how we appreciate you! ❤️❤️❤️
The snake Sam reffers to is Grannon ? I didn't catch this , when was it said ? I am a fan of both , should I reconsider ?
@@denisau3646 You would substitute the judgment of others, strangers, for your own? I think both still have something to offer. We just have to remember who/what we are likely to be drawn to (which is why we are here, right?), and that everybody fights their own dysfunction/demons which doesn't have to erase what they may have to offer. Yes, prof is referring to Grannon. Not said directly in vid that I heard-but clearly repeatedly implied. However, he did comment to someone above and confirmed it. Grannon just published vid on how to freak out a narc so they are fighting each other via UA-cam.
I knew it! As soon as I discovered you, I devoured tens, if not hundreds of your videos. I also looked at videos of you both and I felt very strongly that he was a narcissist. He made mean comments to the audience and laughed when he was talking about bad things happening to people, as a joke. Empathy or modesty was not his cup of tea. I thought about it often at the beginning, because I MUST be wrong, if you are so close and friendly to him. It's very rarely I say this, but I am so sorry I wasn't wrong. It's sad to be friends so long with a fake person. Thank you for everything! No one is at your level, you're the absolute master in this.
Very true, i had a same feeling towards him. I also, noticed that he interrupts Sam with humiliating comments purposefully sometimes to hurt him and Sam just ignores him.
Completely agree with you. I saw it immediately. Never liked Richard From the word go
I saw it a little differently. Only just discovered these two and although I have been listening to learn, each vid of them together left me uncomfortable. I found them both unkind towards one another, and the supposed self-deprecating comments just left me sad. So I see something bilateral.
I also feel I have a good intuition, and he, too, rubbed me the wrong way right from the get go.
I felt he had a cold, detached, persona - who was kind of like a man child, for lack of a better term.
Fear not, Mr. Vaknin, you are the absolute GOAT when it comes to the subject of narcissism and it’s innumerable comorbidities . If we have to choose. I choose you 500X over!
I envy (not on an evil way) Your intellect, and ability to captivate me every time on the unending boxes the narcissist checks, and every day I am in complete awe of the layers you pull back to dissect the narcissist in his/her entirety. By FAR the most in depth analysis I’ve ever heard/read.
I love how you refuse to let this prick own you! I’m sure he will play the victim- but we all know he is scum.
Him ghosting you, just says- YOU WIN! 😊
@@BaristaCrat81 Sycophant much? What are you doing? Sam is a narcissist, too! Why are you DELIBERATELY agreeing to be his supply? Listen, learn, like - but worship, fawn, supplicate for attention? Good gosh, NO!
Never ever, not when he cheated, not when he ran me down, or hurt my feelings zero empathy. Antipathy
Describes my older 'golden child' sibling (and late mother) to a T. Older sibling stole my inheritance through manipulation of my late malignant narcissist mother. He never has apologised for anything in his life. Two monsters. Excellent and enlightening. Thank you.
*Thank-you* so much *Sam* for stating [32;30 timemark +] that the Narcissist ''can control their behaviors'' - ''that they can tell right from wrong'' etc BUT they simply don't care enough about the other to ''do so'' & that they should be HELD ACCOUNTABLE for their Actions !!
I have been a Social Worker for 34 years & *many* times over my career {basically the 2nd half of it due to help from You & YOU ALONE : ) } I have swam 'against' the tide regarding ''do they know what they are doing"' meaning ...YES, THEY DO !! ~ therefore, sadly, I have encountered on-going conflict w/ psychologists & psychiatrists (whom 99% of them) Disagree w/ this ''entirely'' : ( ...
I also experienced *many* counselling sessions with clients when I ''knew, that I knew'' they were lying, could ''not'' have done such & such & did ''recognize'' what they had done ... The ''creepiest'' part would be when I would allow them to think that I agreed with them [ie] (that it was incontrollable / they couldn't help it etc'' & then the ''smirk'' would enviably come forth (as in, ''they'' thought - they had fooled me) ... on certain occasions, I let this ''behavior'' continue [play out] & then I would Smile & say ..."you know, & I know, that you're lying" - soon after ''cue the'' .... Narcissistic RAGE /ANGER that soon came forth etc ~ N.B. that said, I know that me ''confronting them'' is not going to change them BUT - I wanted them to know - that' 'i'' know ; )
Hence forth, 98 % of the individuals never made another appt. with me again ! : ) ... I say- ''good riddance'' ~
After every physical abuse towards me the ex would be nice but never said sorry. Once after had walked out on him he called and wanted to talk. He was crying. When I bought up the things he did to me all he would say to each thing was "I know" as he hung his head. I went back to him thinking he was remorseful. Two years later after he discarded I thought back and realised he never said sorry. He never apologised for accusing me of losing his belongings only for him to find them later. He never apologised to his adult golden child when she demanded answers for what he did to me after discard. In fact he told her we all need to get over the abuse.
Blame shifting!! Constant blame shifting despite bold reality.
Magical thinking and complete lack of self awareness and poor insights also makes them void of empathy. That is my observation.
So Right! A Brother and Mother .
THEY STICK WITH THIS . DECADES
of experiencing these two acting EXACTLY like you have explained .
ALL of it. ALL OF IT.
I wish so much ALL THIS RIGHT ON information was here for me and other mentally abused victims , Decades ago.
IT JUST WASN’T AVAILABLE.
It is welcomed now
Thank you Sam Vanknin
She did apologise, after lengthy and explosive unnecessary arguments. The catch was, she wasn’t really sorry because she’d verbally double back later on, or just repeat the same selfish mistakes. There was zero sincerity in any of her sorries. When it was unavoidable and painfully obvious that she was in the wrong, she never came back after cooling down and said sorry willingly either. I’d always go away and come back after processing if I was in the wrong and I’d said sorry. These people don’t feel remorse, it’s sick.
@@anne-qg3oy thanks so much, Anne! I’ll have a look at that video now. You’re right by the way. There were multiple red flags that I’d just hoped were little blips. I didn’t want them to be her character and I held onto hope. Hope you’re doing well yourself, as it sounds like you’ve been through it all too.
I definitely see some of these behaviors on myself, even I actually do have the ability to apologize directly and say "I am sorry", which I have done many times in the past. I am not sure if I am actually a narcissist or maybe is just a defense mechanism for having been raised by a very controlling mother with clear narcissistic and borderline features, and overall a disregulated and emotionally chaotic family. I think there is definitely something wrong with me :(
You caught some " narcissistic fleas" like many of us do to aurvive. You can unlearn them in time if you wish and stick to the new behavior repeteadly. Remember that narcissism developps as a behavior to survive. We needed to survive too at their hands so we absorbed some of their behaviors.
@@denisau3646 thank you for your insight. I am aware this might be a reactive behavior to deal and thrive through that environment, however, sometimes I wonder about the degree of contamination it has inflected on me, and if it's to the point of having developed a personality disorder, and not just a temporary maladaptive solution. I definitely recognize a spectrum of behaviors on me going from skizoid, to borderline, narcissistic and some psychopathic. I should seek help
If you are thinking about it you definitely have a goid start if you have a problem of this nature
We all have narcissistic traits and will display similar behaviors but we think differently than the narcissist. The narcissist is self serving, and doesn’t see you as an equal. Is that you? We are all sinners and the way that I have been healing through my narcissistic traits, are stopping them. Any destructive behavior that caused me my own pain, I stopped. I no longer drink, I no longer smoke marijuana and I recently stopped with all sexual behavior because I’m not in a relationship leading to God. I been building my foundation with God because my entire life I’ve been living with one foot in the devil’s playground and one foot in the kingdom of God. I’m not a violent person. Never liked bullies, never wanted to see anyone hurt even those who hurt me. I’ve apologized to people who have hurt me and they sat there and was the victim that they are. Everyone owes them what they did not receive from childhood and now everyone must suffer. If you aren’t an enabler or willing participant they will manipulate you to believe that they care just enough to get you so addicted to them that it would be hard for you to see them as the buttholes they are. I’m now fully with God and I do believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior. I’ve given up many material possessions. I have 0 friends and family is barely. I’ve moved away from all of my comfortable, in order to heal from my environment and bloodline trauma. I continue to pray and repent of my sins and walk with God all throughout my day. I thank Him for waking me up. I thank Him for the food I eat. I thank Him for His unconditional love. When I accepted and held myself accountable I was ashamed of myself. Even today I have moments of being unforgiving of my behavior but God redirects my thoughts and I just pray. And I take time to be in my Bible, not on my phone. I take time to nurture myself through Him. I strive to make Him happy and by making Him happy, I’m happy.
I do too my friend. Currently trying to understand and figure it out as well
My ex+,narc never apologized I'm all the years I have known him. Not once did he ever say, "I'm sorry". The best he could ever say is, "I shouldn't have done that". And he only said this 3 of 3 times, and very begrudgingly, in a low, half-hearted tone. He meant his behavior prevented him from accessing his usual, expected supply.
This "Richie" guy ...
Silly question maybe, but Sam as you were collaborating with him for more than 7 years, as you have read him well from the beginning, why on earth have you cut him off just now and not a long time ago ?
Excellent video Sam. Thanks for sharing
An ex partner who’s past could’ve easily shaped a narcissistic personality disorder but at the least a narcissist could care less if he’s ever forgiven for anything. He doles out the rarest of apologies with conditions and ulterior motives. They’re just words reluctantly exchanged as currency for continued manipulation and steady supply.
I’d be worried if I was a certain ex friend.. this is an obvious threat of punishment coming
Yes, all Take. Sad indeed. That "hole" is never ever to be filled. It is insane. God bless you, Sam. D.
Grannon should kiss your tuchkas, you're the O.G., original gangsta. Thanks for your contributions.
Spot on! Thank you, prof. Vaknin❤
Thank you for sharing this case. Very interesting.
You are my number one prof. Sam Vaknin on UA-cam.... you have challenged me and my way of thinking....
This is all quite fascinating and proof of concept
Thank you Dr Vaknin 🌹 very awesome lesson .
Professor Vaknin, thank you
Always entertaining and educational. Thank you Sam for taking the time to share your knowledge!🙏
Thank you Dr Vaknin🙂, see you in Gdańsk
What an excellent and illustrative description!
I got an apology once, made her explain why she left me for surgery guy . And the whole 9 yards, she answered my questions, sounded genuine at the time, but years later she just turned around and did it again
Sam, everything you said about your friend is what I'm going thru now. Mine is also a covert to a T. No diagnosis needed. No empathy, morose self doubt, grandiose, the concocted character, etc., he has it all. I'm always shocked at the coincidence of your vids. So many times you've put up a video of the very stage of the relationship I'm going thru.
My mother has NEVER said sorry for anything! Blatant acts that she knew she committed against me that fulfilled her wishes of giving me persistent and maddening grief that ended up causing consequences that fell back on her or my son she would frantically try to get me to fix the serious problems that developed out of her deliberate undermining and I would tell her “how am I now supposed to fix this situation that you created and now my hands are tied from all your devaluing and undermining of me making me out to be incompetent, ignorant, crazy and delusional and now you expect ME to fix this BS mess that were in now?!!” She knows full well it was because of all her covert shenanigans behind my back and sabotaging all my efforts to help my autistic son and NOW she wants ME to do something because shit is hitting the fan now and she robbed me of my rightful role as the Parent and Mother by stealing it out from under me and now my precious son doesn’t trust or cooperate with me at all. While I worked in the trenches for years advocating, getting interventions, services and supports for him my Mom shot down everyone of them in front of me and my son and behind my back so now he despises me because she has been telling him behind my back that he is NOT autistic, doesn’t need therapy or interventions “because what is this going to do to his self esteem!??? And you don’t want this on his record when he goes out into the adult world and he doesn’t need you putting this on him and negatively effecting his future!!!” Incredible! She is not only in deep denial but refuses to believe the diagnosis, the professionals advice for his need for interventions and having services in place to help him actually launch in a neurotypical world where he will attempt to succeed through high masking and end up failing and then his self confidence will be shot down so hard he won’t dare attempt to go out to do it again!!! He too is in deep denial of his diagnosis and this could be the one thing that would spare him from getting drafted in the upcoming years. Now do something about it Christina!!! Can’t you get him another comprehensive neuropsych eval???? (NO) can’t you get some of the professionals to talk to him now? (NO) I was reduced to nothing, made out to be like an older scapegoated sister figure that can’t even do the most basic of tasks because she’s constantly treating me like I’m an incompetent child and you expect me now to take the lead as his Mother and have him be cool with it??? That’s a joke if I have ever heard one!!! 😂😂🤬 my mother would have to literally tell my son that she told him lies about his diagnosis and about me his mother. Maybe then, he might begin to listen and cooperate with me. But say sorry for the huge disaster she created by undermining and sabotaging years of efforts, ohhhh noooo, that is beneath her superior self. Yet she knows she’s the one that F’d everything up with all the years of smearing me behind my back to where my son and I are now alienated and if it wasn’t because he’s still dependent on me I truly believe we would be estranged by now.
My ex husband, a narc, never said sorry in 15 years.
Excellent explanation and breakdown. Makes so much sense and validates what I have experienced directly with a narcissist. Thank you!
The projection is “crazy making” for me. I just can’t communicate anymore. It causes me to separate from reality. Anytime, he went to prison or jail…that’s when he cared for me. As soon as he was free, “He was Back.”
Got supply and attention when in jail. You were probably not the only one he was getting attention from in jail. When he got out he didn't need you. Why would any woman entertain a man that keeps going to prison... low self esteem. Lack of self worth to deserve anything better than the bottom of the barrel? I would cut your losses and stop waisting time with such a broken person. I don't date potential and don't date men with so many problems. Especially criminal and legal issues. Which equals lack of job opportunities and low to no access to income. No thanks. That's not in my dating pool. Go fish somewhere else or spend time improving your situation and invest in your own personal development.
@@claudieC. The straightforwardness is brutal. But thanks for your input. Trust me, I am on these channels after discovering why I would entertain such a person. He is the reflection of my mother. It’s a lot more deep rooted. And to be honest, you aren’t telling me anything I don’t know. I’m doing the work. And I wish I could comment on things and not have my experience invalidated by someone telling me about how “great they fish.”
@@latrendaleslie6968 I wonder why they are here on this channel if they’re so perfect 🤔 maybe they’re the narc.
Michelle V. (Using my kids account)
@@latrendaleslie6968 I get this totally! I am near 60 and currently in a phase of hauntedness for allowing so much in the past; so many years wasted. I don't believe I have every been "freed" by unsolicitated advice, tho! I kept running away, and then I kept returning. So I always knew it wasn't healthy, but there was some compulsion to "fix it." If I cried more or if I cried less. If I argued more or argued less. If I was more accepting or I challenged everything. IT CHANGED NOTHING. He was my mom, too! They both used to tell me how no one would ever love me the way they did. Even then, I would say, "God, I hope not bc your love is killing me!" Wishing you peace and safety without the loss of decades that I dedicated to trying to fix the unfixable (a childhood of want; an era beyond my reach). Good luck.
@@kalicanterbury8085 Aww. I definitely felt the emotion in your words. I left and I don’t plan on returning. I don’t speak to my mom. I try to maintain brief contact with my Husband for the kids but it only reopens my wounds. And it’s never really about the kids with him. I thank you for sharing your experience because I fight the daily “hope” I have for these people to change. My therapist and I review this “hope” and he determined that I had to have this to survive as a child. But now I have to let go of that, to survive as an adult. They kept hurting me, over and over again. And I had to accept it because she is “Momma” and he is “My Husband.” Sending you love and hugs. ❤️
U really get down to the nitty gritty of it which is really helpful & u re easy to listen to.
My dad a covert is the same, never heard him say sorry once in the 43 years I've known him
Good to see your videos back on here Sam
www.tiktok.com/@narcissismwithvaknin?lang=en
This talk is especially genius: how brilliantly it demonstrates what it describes. Fascinating, tragic, poetic.
Curious, Professor, is this also a description of what happens when two narcissists cruise together for a while till they collide, crash and burn?
Classic narcissistic "apology": I'm sorry you feel that way.
Real apology: I'm sorry for my words or actions. What may I do to help right the situation?
The narcissistic "apology" says I am not attached to the event; the emotion/response is completely your responsibility. It's like there is a scripted set of replies to these situations. The emptiness in these transactions is palpable and sad.
This was my life for 27 years. I'm holding my ground for my family, friends and children. I'm at the stage of sorry that I was born!! I'm a human being and so are my family friends and children. 😪😪🌷🌷🙏🙏🙏🙏
Gdańsk??? Perfect ❤️❤️❤️
One can admire the strength and resolve it must have taken on your part to authentically explore and explain all of these aspects of the narcissistic person.
Thank you professor for sharing your desirable knowledge. In all my studies concerning narcissism, I've come to the conclusion that this is a very selfish, greedy, and undeserved entitlement, mental disorder. I feel everyone should be responsible for their own wrong doings, and if that comes to showing remorse, then apply it. What's good for the goose. Is good for the gander.
They can’t show remorse because they have none, no empathy, no remorse, they think they are better then everyone else and they believe they literally are above the law!!!
I witnessed a psychologist tell this to my partner straight out to his face….. he got caught trying to manipulate a personality test.
I witnessed at that statement from the Dr. His neck turned very red as it slowly took over his entire face…. I have never seen that kind of rage in my life until he was told straight out what he was and was told to immediately get therapy for his ASPD!!!
Hahaha obviously talking about Richard! I could also tell R has narcissistic tendencies 😂💀
Remember, tho, RG teaches that we all can be narcisstic AND that trauma responses can be narcissitic. He also says we exhibit narcissism when spending time with BPD and NPD. For me, these are points/beliefs/truths that explain much.
If it's RG, how come he "stole SV's girlfriends", isn't Sam married? :/
@ Sam Vaknin . "Stole" meaning badmouthed SV to his woman and this led to separation and nothing more ....or..."stole" as in slept with her/started a romantic relationship with her while she still was in a confirmed relationship with SV
The latter. Three times. But this was only one of dozens of forms of betrayal.
@@samvaknin Last year I watched your channel daily but gradually stopped watching since I was trying to wean off of social media. Today I came back to see this and am in shock. I know random comments on UA-cam don’t mean much but I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can’t imagine how betrayed you feel by your now ex-best friend and your wife. Your informative videos (and great book recommendations!) have helped me and so many others and it hurts to see you have to deal with this traumatic experience. I hope you are doing ok 💛
I been married to a narcissist wife for 50 years . She as. Never said sorry .may be a couple of times . So don't forget about men who have been mentally abuse . I work all my life . She never talked to me . Just constantly criticising me any thing . I could tell you a lot more . But there er is no point . Just don't forget as you probably know woman can be very evil . I know because my life is a living hell
That calls for a Shakespeare quote: "Well said; that was laid on with a trowel" Professor Sam
I stopped watching that one person because it left me with a negative feeling or just didnt sync rather than a positive understanding or enlightenment on any given topic. I can grasp Prof. V but difficulty with the other person. So unsubscribed...
Thank you!
True. He has never said the word sorry.
Brilliant!
EXCELLENT!!
Thank u vaks
Super talk..actually super duper.