How Narcissist Abuses Your Love, Rejects It (Borderlines, Codependents, People-pleasers, too)
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- Опубліковано 29 гру 2022
- What is common to NPD, BPD, dependent personality disorder (codependents), people pleasers, parentified children? Bad object internalization.
Early on in life, some children internalize a bad object whose main message is “you are not lovable”. They learn to associate love with rejection and hurt.
Later in life, as adults, the bad object affects mate selection with a preference for rejecting, abandoning, dysregulated, and withholding intimate partners.
The introjects in such people compel them to either avoid reciprocated love (insecure attachment style) or to deny love as a form of sadistic abuse by weaponizing frustration.
Another coping strategy involves projective identification: manipulating and baiting lovers, spouses, and friends to the point of betrayal, thus affirming the bad object and fulfilling narrative expectations (comfort zone).
Bad object adults have both alloplastic defenses (feel victimized) and autoplastic defenses (they deserve to be hated and betrayed).
They regard themselves as innocent babes: everyone else it tasked with safeguarding and promoting their wellbeing and interests, protecting their emotions, and catering to their needs, totally disregarding their soul-destroying and egregious abuse.
Regardless of their chronological age, they are never the adults in the room.
Being unlovable in one’s mind causes a lot of anxiety and paranoid ideation: you can trust no one to love you and to have your best interests in mind. You anticipate the worst and preemptively act to bring it about (“let the other shoe drop”).
You cannot trust your judgment of people owing to the cognitive distortion field of the bad object.
Example: many narcissists, in a shared fantasy, grandiosely trust that they are so special that regardless of their abuse, no one will cheat on them, retaliate, or betray them.
Such people mislabel and misinterpret their “anxiety artifacts” as emotions: heartbreak, love, dysregulation, somatization are all actually transformations of anxiety.
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After being involved with a narcissist and realizing I was, I attempted to love him out of it. I was a preschool teacher and used positive reinforcement and other strategies in attempt to help. The kinder I was to him, the meaner he got. Almost like a dog who bites when you get close…I felt like prey…. Thank you for this
I always knew my mother was an evil bitch, and I still internalized her. Decades of personal disintegration later, healing comes through being alone enough to finally hear your own voice amidst that cacophony of introjects and laugh at them--through the enraged tears.
Let me guess does the wicked witch have flying monkeys
Deep deep deep deep deep deep stuff. Most people cannot go to these depths. Very very cerebral stuff here. First time I heard this guy. This is really intense. Really really intense. Frightening stuff. I had narcissistic and abusive parents and I have largely reached enlightenment but I still suffer from anxiety and OCD. I am 59 years old. I gave up trying to get rid of the memories because like this guy says you cannot get rid of them. I just try to live with it. I think that's all we can do. I think the limbic system has permanently remembered all of the trauma and abuse and neglect and there is no way it's going to let go of it
Yes, we will never forget the trauma. But we can still choose to love. We can still separate ourselves from those voices of the past. I'm not young either but I became empathic to others and I wish you healing and peace. Take care my friend.
I survived an avoidant people pleaser with covert narcissistic traits who hated himself and felt empty inside. He made me believe I was guilty for him not being well for 8 yrs. In the end I gave up all my social contacts, just working for our future because he couldn't provide. I claimed time for my own because that was what he was constantly doing since the beginning, but at that moment I wasn't his good girl anymore. His mask fell off when it turned out he had cheated on me for months and left for a new relationship to break her. He's good looking but I guess she will find out soon. Alone now with little one, healing, getting conscious about what happened, but still broken. PLEASE stay away from people who lack imagination, feel empty inside, please you and want things back in return and for who you are NEVER ENOUGH. WALK AWAY ASAP. My advice as a surviver....
Great lecture. I had an interesting situation because my mother scapegoated me and my older sister followed suit by abusing me and telling me I was worthless. However, my teachers loved me because I was at the head of the class, I was my music teacher's favorite because my dad was a successful musician and I was talented, I was popular in school because I was humble, relatives favored me because I was kind, etc. So, although I was having my self esteem undermined by family, I was confident enough to know my own worth and that my family members were "crazy." Still, I either chose bullying partners or non-threatening partners I didn't really love. Ugh. Its been a long time healing. However, I am not BPD nor NPD. I'm just afraid of love.
I fully resonate with your analysis. And I fully disagree with Sam V putting everyone in the same box.
There is a huge difference between NPDs, BPDs who are in the psychosis spectrum and codependent / people pleasers etc. who definitely have also a 'bad object experience' but are on the neurosis spectrum, which means that for them there is a possibility of healing and of evolving, which is not the case with the other ones. Maybe it's comfortable for SV to place everyone in the same box, but he's wrong on that one. 🌺
My brother needs to see this video. Our father made sure my brother couldn't be happy and loved in life: he was very unkind to him as my brother was growing up. My brother suffers with addiction, self-hate, self-harm, and stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
my story is like your brothers, but I don't have nearly as supportive of a sister. thats awesome that you care that much to validate him like that.
@@phorestpsy216 Thanks. I wish I could do more for him. He withdraws and shuts away a lot. I'm not sure if he watches these videos I send for him to watch. I wish I could undo what's been done to all the people like him. Children are fresh incomers into this world, new personalities that deserve a happy life. It's a true crime to hang your problems on children as a parent. That should be prosecuted, I think! I wish for you to find peace and kindness in life. Heal and help others to heal, my unknown friend.
Sam is a warm sunny day that shows up unexpectedly in the middle of winter. Thank goodness for Sam.
How do we heal or get free from the internalized bad object that makes us reject or deny love and choose bad partners?
I've watched ( a few times ) Sam Vaknin's video about inner dialogue- that helped me a lot. Doing inner child work is very helpful ,painful ,lots of crying but worth it.
Changing super ego in supportive, loving friend/ parent as well. Another thing which helped me is Sam's video about self love. I brain washed myself , isn't that easy ,but with constancy and regularity I feel better then ever before. In my opinion believing in change is a first step, don't give up , there is nothing to loose.
This is exactly the video that I needed in order to understand the mind of a person that tried to abuse me. He tried absolutely everything to make me his enemy. Now I can understand it had nothing to do with me. That helps me so much not to take it personally. As a christian I wished him gods blessing and healing and blocked him to protect myself. I hand him over to god. I appreciate your teachings Prof Dr. Sam Vaknin. You are doing a great service to humanity.
Zeus won't be happy with your ex...
I love the fact that Professor Vaknin spares no one here. I suspect that the title of this video is purposefully deceptive in order to set up an ambush. Well, those of us who have been victims of narcissistic abuse NEED to be ambushed. We had an agenda too, it wasn't healthy, and we need to recognize the fact. I won't go as far as to say that narcissists do us a favor by making unavoidable the recognition of our own chaotic project to prove our parents right AND prove them wrong--because ultimately there is no excuse for treating people cruelly--but after you've dealt with a narcissist long enough you have a choice to make: either recognize your role in your own abuse or move on to your next abuser. Clearly, the latter is the easier choice, but Professor Vaknin makes it clear why it's always the wrong one.
So their guilt, is projected onto the partner, and perceived as accusation - punishment 🤯
Makes sense of a lot of reactions. (‘He’ must have been riddled with unidentified guilt.)
This has been so enlightening. My ex behaves exactly as described. It's a painful experience.
Leave them alone to rot
This was so helpful to me. I've studied alot about personality disorders, and this is the best video I've seen. It explains why I've tried to reach out to ex-felons and was treated badly when i tried to show them acceptance and understanding. Thank you, sir. Please keep up these videos.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Empathy for those souls but for one's own healthy state of mind, it's better to step off, even when it's the closest family. In order to not become a narcissist and get into their vicious cycle.
My answer was “my mother,” which is exactly why I continued to listen! 😏 Actually, it was survival. My family was only my mother and me until I was nine; then came a step-father old enough to be my grandfather and a new half-brother. On neither side, were there involved family members. My mother had no living grandparents, aunts or uncles. In a Venn diagram, you’d have seen only a sliver that kept it from being a total eclipse. She never appeared to love me; she simply found uses for me. And everything was in my control and of my own fault, making her thoughts my thoughts-unless this was the day her thoughts happen to have changed. By the time I became a teen, the threats to my food and shelter were more blatantly laid on the table. I didn’t grow up loving her; I feared her and hated her. Unfortunately, the kingdom doesn’t return to sunshine and joy when the evil is extinguished. Twenty years after her death, and I’m trying to convince my husband he can’t possibly love me and think my two daughters just don’t see their error in loving me. I don’t enjoy living and look forward to the day I can finally be done with the whole thing!
Those around you love you more than you think you deserve. I often want to close my eyes and never open them again. Because, after all, what use am I to anyone if I am so unlovable? Ask those around you. You will be surprised to hear their answer. And there will be no need to wish to close your eyes, one last time. Sending hugs. Courage, my friend. Courage ❤
Sending love and peace
I ended the narc abuser in november, a lost damanged person who even saw ghosts he said and chased by them after drink
... had story of being a baby who was used in satanic ritual....why i didnt leave in first momth i dont know.......codependency, maybe. but now.. onward and thank you for all the videos. Like to message anyone on here who has recently left the toxic manic abuse.
Narcissism is rooted in the spirt, hence, why the DSM-5 deems no cure. You can’t treat a spiritually rooted problem from a medical standpoint. You don’t treat a demon with pharmekeia, you cast it out in the name of Jesus. The ex narc experienced the same if not more of what you described and it always felt like angel v. demon. Narcissism is murder of the soul, a generational curse and Jezebel is the main operating spirit behind them. Although, they have their own personality in terms of likes, dislikes etc. how they operate is textbook. There is no school of NPD, therefore, they are possessed by Legions of demons. I respect Sam’s work and his unsurpassed knowledge is like no other NPD platform. However, I consider everything he says and incorporate the profiles of NPD and I apply the Biblical principles and it all adds up! Glad you are free and hope you are doing well on your healing journey. ❤️
Wow wow . I Needed this so bad. I have been trying to figure out how to get their voices out of my head. I hear their inner critique of everything I do when they are not around. I feel like i need an exorcism or something. Yes, we feel they have God like powers to know things, especially when it is your mother.
Dog eat dog and then the 2 dogs eat YOU!!😂so true
This makes so much sense now
Finally! Waking up. 13 years with an NPD partner.
BPD, but actively aware (evidenced by being here in the 1st place) in 8 year relationship with NPD, who is not aware. I stay because at this point I feel like I'm providing a public service, protecting two other people from having to put up with either one of us. Plus, I see my NPD partner for who he is, terrified of being alone and desperate to be admired. I fear that no one else would stay long enough to understand him, and I'd be dooming him to a life alone.
Amen to that !🙏 (Unfortunately) And cheers with the red wine, Sam ! 🥂
Happy New Year Dr. Vaknin!! 🎊🥳🎉
Finding your channel last year was really one of the best things of 2022 for me. Thank you so much for all you do. You’re much appreciated!
Bravo Professor, great job!
Yeah, that definitely makes a lot of sense. Thank you, good sir!
If you love them leave them if yiu are not healed.
Thank you so much for explaining everything again it’s so important
Beautiful profound video. Thank you Sam
Thank you for your effort and compassion! - Ishin-denshin !
Thank you for your educative videos. 👏🏾👏🏾
Another great lecture .All are awesome and important but some really are outstandish from my perspective. Thank you professor!
Meditate borderline's
Quiet the monster
It is painful to see it. I believe I came across someone like that recently. I was trying to apologize to this person for something I knew was out of my character and this person thought I wanted to punish them or that they where in trouble. Although, later this person turned the script and started accusing me of having hurt them and that everything was my fault which I did took responsibility for what was due in my part. It is like this person can’t see when there’s no battle ongoing against them nor recognize when someone is being genuinely sorry which thinking right now there’s not enough validation that can sudden this kind pain. It is like holding a child crying for hours! It can exhausting to deal with if you’re not a trained empath.
Intrusive thoughts!!
Well described Sir. Each point you have mentioned represents my wife situation. She never trust me and always accused me for cheating. She always thought I gonna leave her at end she left me . By accusing me on the basis of her emotions .
Hello Sam, I have a curious question to ask if you can talk about it please. What happens when a narcissist loses a flying monkey. How do they react and what chain reaction and ripple effects does it cause.
Exactly 😢
Very insightful. Appreciate the presentation.
Do you have any videos on tips for how one would handle a divorce mediation involving kids with a covert narcissist?
I happened to be drinking a glass of red wine when I began watching this 🍷 l’chaim.
(And to **** with them!)
Hi Sam, so how to help a child who was programmed as "bad object" from now noncustodial father?
It's true, she is forcing me to discard her. She asked me. Why can't she receive love?
Now I know. In a way she saves my life.
Dear prof. Vaknin, I appreciate your work. Don't you think that everyone and everytime can make a choise weater to do or not to do something, including narcissis. It is hard, but it is possible. I have been in a marrige with the narcissis only two mounths, thanks God who save me from that...Please, answer me :-)
Best regards from Macedonia
Narcissists can perfectly control their behavior (for example, in prison). They just couldn't care less.
@@samvaknin Sorry, but I still can not understand how someone can hurts people, beeing aware of that and beeing ok with that? There is nothing human in that. Are narcissist human?
My minority thinks that narcissism is a metter of choice of
a weak adult person.
So what to do?
Integration of trauma, i.e. processing.
Send blessings to those inner critic's for they spoke out of their pain. Then take your own understanding and compassion for them and use it on yourself with your own voice. Let your ability to radiate kindness to yourself and others be your focus and naturally your power and practice will become the louder and more trusted voice you listen to. Some will claim impossible and abandon peace.So much to do. All the best to you and happy new year!
The thinking is not the thing
Professor could you please tell us how to help ourselves and get rid off these voice , how to heal ourselves? How to change the bad object into good one , how to replace the inner critic to the good adult ? Is it possible??? How to cope with these mechanisms?
Professor what is the appropriate age of consent for sex? Is 18 years old too old? Should it be lowered down? Do we see some side affect- peterpan syndrome if it is high?
I look forward to you valuable insight
I heard my narcissist say, that he was mad at himself, but when I asked why he wouldn't talk or tell me. At the time, he was trying to get me to stay the night with him and I rejected him. I immediately felt he was talking about me. Is he mad at himself about me?
Short contact - i escaped
According to what you said, what life they live, how they ending up, do they have anyone around them when they getting old, do they regret anything?
Sam❤
It’s sad. The narc I was with could have been a great person. But now that I can reflect, I can see it was his mother who damaged him. 😢
So is this bad object, is this object permanence? I’m not knowledgeable. And if so, could one add ADHD to the list?
Make yourself knowledgeable. Do your homework and watch the relevant videos on this channel.
This was painful to watch
I am in a sort of relationship with someone who has narcisstic traits
I am so tired, sad, angry about the way he is acting towards me.
But I can't let him go and go no contact.
and now I am the one who is acting out..
Respect what I need from that person and that I am good enough
Be seen as a person
I feel bad that I am acting out
In my experience, they will continue to destroy you until you are them, you become the crazy one yelling and volatile. I hope you put a stop to it and heal yourself before you get to where I am, a shell of myself after 12 years of narc abuse.
Yes Dr. Vaknin talks about that exactly. They push you to act out. It’s not your fault that’s what he wants.
set boundaries. look elsewhere
@@jennifert2002
You are right
He wants me to go to his level.. His pulls me into his swamp.. Extention of him..
Sad pattern 😞
Der Prozess
Speak loudly, pls
Weak wrists
Amazing! 🫶
This is a good on point subject in family and close relationships especially in Family motivated cultures. Please Do more on this subject