And still, people in the comments are doing exactly what you’re speaking to. As a fearful avoidant/disorganized, we’re all aware of the hate and lack of empathy understanding we get as opposed to the “anxious types”. Thank you Alan for speaking to the pain we go through too. Im working on myself and I do not have malicious intentions, but I still struggle with avoidance.
I've missed you!! Your video on the narcissistic wound was THE video that started me on my journey. Your honesty and passion is unrivaled and greatly appreciated.
I think that was the first video I watched on the channel, too, and one of the first that really got me into educating myself on trauma and attachment theory. Such a distinct perspective on narcissistic tendencies. None of that pointing to other peoples' wrongdoing but starting with yourself. I really appreciate that.
Lots of hurt from a fearful avoidant. My ex only recognized his discomfort, but didn't acknowledge the pain he caused. His behavior translated as cruelty.
Gut wrenchingly cruel mine was! 6 1/2 years 3 x he’s deactivated. Each time saying he only ‘thought he loved me’ While when we were together he was Love you so much!
Wow....spent the last 2 months learning about attachment styles after a sudden deactivation / discard from my FA (sorry for acronym!) partner of 8 years (narcissistic abuse from mother throughout childhood). She shut down due to being highly dysregulated fom stress. Literally, been around the whole Internet on it and learnt so much about it (I am very secure). This is hands down the best resource I have come across. Amazing. Superb. Thank you....has helped me solidify what I have learned over the last 2 months, but I love the more personal and human approach to it.
I was married to FA for decades, we’re separated now, but still legally married. The bread-crumbing, avoidant, and non communication was a slow and crushing death to my emotional wellbeing. I stayed and continued colluding in my own suffering for too long! I finally asked him to leave. I am slowly healing and becoming more self aware thanks to you. You are a tremendous blessing, Alan.
i swear this is my story too. why am i still holding on?? I feel like a pathetic loser accepting breadcrumbs from my own husband. Its even worse because we have a child together so I have to see him every week. I wish I could just go no contact it would help me so much to get over this heartbreaking marriage
@@Mtooma139 I’m so sorry that you have to go through this😢. It’s twice as hard trying to move forward and heal when you are in contact with your avoidant partner. If you have to communicate, do it via email or text. With time, a lot of therapy, and self reflection…it will get better🧘🏽♀️.
@@ButterCookie1984 After 34 years, why bother? Our finances are separated, he lives on the other side of town in his townhouse, and I live in my house. He kept everything that was his (pension, annuities, social security, health insurance), and l kept what was mine. It works for us… If he should ever want to get a divorce, I am agreeable to it. But I’m not running to a lawyer to spend thousands of dollars to legally end a marriage, l rather spend my money remodeling my kitchen, which I did😉. I haven’t seen him in two years.🧘🏽♀️
Insanely on point. I agree with not categorizing a person and I'm always working on self awareness and improving myself. I am more of an anxious and my partner is more fearful. Your video helps me to better understand and progress forward both alone and with my partner. Thank you
I appreciate the kind feedback. Glad to hear you connect with the video. I know many of us have been on the receiving end where there hasn't been that much sensitivity so I think it's very important to talk about. I know when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's refreshing to know how many people can relate and we learn so much together. Thanks again for the positive comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks, Alan. I come back to your videos again and again! Your nuanced view is so soothing. My fearful avoidance plays out mostly in intimate relationships, luckily right from the start in the dating phase. I am so good at forming deep and meaningful bonds with others. But almost with certainty, after the second or third date, my fear kicks in so heavily that I can't continue. Lately, I understood that I have to open up about my condition, but even if the other person wants to give it a try, I can't because it's too painful, and I don't want to burden the other person with my emotional instability so i stopped dating not to hurt myself and others until i am more stable.
this one video has been more helpful and elucidating than my past eight months of therapy :( I think I need a new therapist. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.
Oh I so needed this! I have been doing so much research but this makes so much sense. You're right there is too much blame and objectifying people with problems. We need to be more compassionate.
I’m So thankful to hear this video. It’s not like we intentionally want to be confusing. Spend a day in my brain…. Going from enjoying my partner and then feeling like you’re being chased by a bear. Ugh!
Thank you for the feedback that this video was helpful and for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. There was a conversation similar to your comment in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community take the relationship quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I didn't figure right away that my bf is FA. I keep on wondering why he is hot and cold to me. Then he told me he gets these doubts in his head, then it would explode, then go back again to his senses.
I don’t think people want to villainize the avoidant. But it’s particularly hurtful when we have voiced what is needed to satisfy at least us and the avoidant responds by shutting down. The person I was seeing was told what I wanted and what I needed. He said he could t give me that. Ok fine, I enjoyed you and I hope you can find what you are looking for. He waits a week and calls back like I didn’t say anything. I fall back in, cycle continues. They don’t have boundaries either. I’ve told him, look I’m not trying to change you, but if you can’t even meet me half way, I can’t be in whatever this is with you (he refused to define the relationship). He disappeared for 4 weeks and then came back in to breadcrumb. Disappeared again for two weeks at which time I blocked him. It pained me to do so because I told him I wouldn’t block him anymore. But when you aren’t changing and still think you can keep me entangled in your mess, no, all bets are off. We are not professional therapists, so I agree, we shouldn’t go around diagnosing people. But if we tell them what we want and they refuse or just can’t provide it, we deserve the right to move on from the relationship. I don’t want to live in a loveless, sexless relationship. I’m functional. It’s best to just move on. If they don’t want to get help or work together in making the relationship functional and secure on both sides then chuck up the deuces ✌🏾
These people need partners that are very emotionally mature and can take their ego out out things. Not personalise how much space they need. Saying that, you can educate yourself about how best to not overwhelm them and show understanding . But when they discard you out of nowhere it’s still very hurtful, and trust is ruined once again.
In my experience it's not been a matter of maturity. People struggling with FA attachment style will evoke from you reactions that confirm their biases on intimacy and closeness. When you're open to practicing vulnerability and get suddenly shut out or see them emotionally disappear, you will feel anxiety, and this is normal. No matter how maturely you manage that anxiety, your reaction will always be on their subconscious script. You healthily distance yourself, and they will be like "you see, I ruin everything". You ask for consistency, and it's gonna be "you're smothering me". All compassion for them, and no labeling, but they need to address this core issue in psychotherapy.
@@Miik87 I felt like everything I do or say will make it worse so I became more and more subdued around anything deeper or more intimate. The fun , physical affection was out of this world and we did so much together but that closed door was in the background which didn't look like it would ever open. And when we were apart i stopped calling or messaging first so I didn't appear needy but its not fulfilling.
I am blown away by your videos. I appreciate your compassion toward the people who are trying to negotiate these difficult situations. I have not heard the kind of detail you offer as to how avoidant behavior shows up and why it occurs. I continue to get triggered by feeling ignored in my marriage, and then I distance myself, until I can get back on track. I also have a pattern of getting involved with "friends" who are nonstop talkers. One family member does that, too. Thank you so much for all your videos.
Hi Alan, it's truly wonderful to see you back on UA-cam! Your content and the messages you share mean a lot to us 🫶 Your non-judgmental approach, infused with compassion and empathy, deeply resonates with me ♥I appreciate how you delicately guide people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style towards embracing vulnerability in communicating their needs and emotions without blaming their partner/friend/family member on the receiving end🙏 It takes a great deal of self-awareness, accountability, empathy for others, and self-compassion to engage in such behavior.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for seeing my effort and for valuing my work. I know when this topic came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you aren't familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you Alan for reminded us not to put labels on ourselves, and to bring compassion not matter what part or wound is coming up in close relationships
What you said at minute 24 in this video is exactly what happened to me. My ex, who I still love much, was constantly using that level of speech with me. Asking me to be vulnerable, asking for more intimacy etc. Things that I didn't understand. I tried to adapt to her needs, did my research, discovered attachment theory and came back happy that now I finally understand what she was talking about, with the hope that now we could work things together as a team. At that very moment she said: I'm not interested any more. We broke up because we needed to break up. She might be right, but the fact that she pulled away the moment that I came with a response to her main requests, broke me up in pieces
I hear your intention and willingness to make it work. If you only knew how many of us have been in that spot. I'm reminded how both people need skills in creating repair in order for it to be a workable relationship. I remember when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thank you for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
That was great thanks Alan. The idea that a habit of withdrawing to preserve self (combat overwhelm) can be converted to a conscious tool (of agency) to communicate that I need a pause in intimacy, is very helpful - 'the goodness' of an old behaviour becomes clear and so I can practice some both/and - both connected with and discerned from - (the other person) and able to communicate what's happening.
I was secure than became FA. I didn't have good boundaries and I let someone that was bad for me to stay in my life longer than they should have. I can't wait to be healthy again.
Dear Alan, I'm listening to your thoughts since 2017 and you're still offering one of the the most valuable content on 'my' Internet ;) Best greetings from Poland
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work is helpful and brings you value. Please share the link to this UA-cam video and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
So hugely impactful and compassionate - as always. In day 2 of being ignored / avoided and while I have empathy for him, I know I owe an even greater measure to me to remove myself from this hurt - AGAIN. I sometimes wonder if there's really any point attempting to connect with a new man in future... the mess of me and all my trauma symptoms and weaknesses just repeat. Considering myself (and acting like) a lone wolf seems to be the only way... 😢🐺 What a lousy, ugly start to a new year. What can I say... I brought it on myself by folding like a deck chair and reaching out at Christmas DESPITE ALL my studies and therapy. Having cultivated awareness, just makes the show harder to watch, cause you can't hide behind your old blinders. You're just standing in your own self generated pain bath without a towel to cover you once you pull up out of it. Thanks Alan. ❤
You show me the possibility of levels of compassion toward another and toward myself I couldn't even conceptualize before hearing it from you this way. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work connects for you. Thank you for valuing my effort. I know when this topic came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about the Community learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you so much for this perspective. I really appreciate the compassionate ways to deal with this, both in myself and in my special person. I have been accepting crumbs and don't ever want to do this again. But also know that I can bravely ask for what I need in a way that is heard.
Mmhmm I can so understand what you mean by accepting crumbs. If you only knew how many of us can relate and I'm glad you're asking for what you need. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm glad this video was helpful. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, this was very helpful to me. I still don't know where my relationship stands but you described my situation almost exactly and gave me some hope that she will want to continue after her disconnect. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
Thanks for this. I really appreciate your effort to show how avoidant patterns are an adaptive response to distress, not just being mean and withholding.
Looking at this from a fresh lens of how I FRAME my perspective of experiencing these behaviors from both sides was so very helpful. Such compassion & logic. Thank you, as always!! God bless!!
Hi Alan, I don’t know if you’ll see this but I want you to know you helped me so much get over my narcissistic ex and toxic relationship. I used to watch your videos so much when I was in that relationship. You helped me see the signs of narcissistic abuse and now I’m out of that relationship and I’m so grateful. Thank you for everything you do! ❤
Thank you for seeing my effort and glad you connect with my style of explaining. I know this is a topic many people talk about. If you're not familiar, this is the type of discussion we have at the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be nourishing and affirming when others can relate and we learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Love the painting and your animated intro! Lovely to see you. Thank you very much for this video. Couldn't have come at a more apt time. I appreciate your articulation skill and perspicacity. So refreshing and reaches areas no one else ever has.
Aww thank you! Especially devillainising the avoidant coping mechanism. I have noticed I am guilty of doing it too, to my defend , it comes from a point of self preservation. You talking about it made me reconnect to compassion and noticing all those colours between black and white.
I’ve watched so many videos and read so many books on this subject, but you truly, truly blow my mind in how well you explain this!!! I honestly feel so seen and heard listening to you… like these are recorded for me personally!! I can’t thank you enough for the relief and support I feel from your content ❤
Oh I'm so glad to hear this video brought you some relief and support. Thank you for connecting with this content. It's so validating when others can connect with what we share. I want to share you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other because of how much we can relate. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort. Please cut and paste the UA-cam link of this video and post it elsewhere like other social sites. It's helpful spreading the word on these topics. Thank you for your help.
This explains so much as to why my husband has certain actions or even lack of has been. However he has chosen to cheat when he is distancing himself from our relationship. All this has caused me to not trust or feel valued
Thank you for sharing my work is helpful for you. Since this video is helpful you may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
If I UNDERSTAND them then I better KNOW how to COPE with their NORMAL. Any insight you share helps ME understand. I do not change or fix anyone. Everyone is working on SELF to a certain degree. Thanks for the video. NO labels are allowed. This man is a good HEALER. He helps OTHERS heal themselves.
Well said, execution was in my opinion perfect. Thank you for being so human and kind and sharing your work. I needed this - what felt like a hug- today.
I'd love a similar deep dive into the anxious attachment style. My wife is a fearful-avoidant and this was excellent to know where she's coming from and how I can meet her there. I'm more anxiously attached so I'm interested in your thoughts on that in a more in-depth take. Thanks for the amazing content!
Glad you like this video. Thank you for valuing my work. Please share this video by posting it on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
Thank you for being. For showing that it is not black and white only. You know I read this book "Attached" and I felt like the biggest criminal ever. Although I am avoidant sometimes. Because sometimes I am also safe and sometimes I am also fearful. I thought: am I crazy? In that book there is only a way of thinking: if you are fearful, you have to protect yourself against that avoidant monster. And in the chapter for avoidant people there was nothing to help them. Except for saying how terrible they are. Not the best motivation to work out
Thank you for the summary. Glad this video brought some perspective. I think it's important to dispel the labels and really see all the different nuances... exactly, it's not all black and white. I want to share, I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I hear you. Thank you for sharing this video connected for you. I know when we have mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships, the conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the community learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I'm glad this video is helpful and thank you for seeing my efforts. I want to share you may also like the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
"healthy distancing and separation" is essential,,I am beginning to entertain the idea of a committed relationship,,it brings up so many wild, intense emotions and I know the desire to run will be the thing that I want to share with my possible partner and talk through the underlying issue. A big part of the fear is that someone could even care about what the real thing is and talk about it..
Thank you for this video. It was really useful to understand my mistakes as relapsed anxious-preoccupied towards the fearful avoidant/disorganized person I was dating. I really care about him, I’m trying to understand how to re-approach him respecting both his and my mental wellbeing.
I appreciate the feedback. Glad my work brings you benefit. I know this topic also came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, Alan, this was very accurate and valuable. I was FA and felt that this described what was going on internally very accurately. Avoidance wasn’t a choice for me, it felt like it was the only option to handle a certain situation and to regulate and get back in touch with myself. I recently dated someone who was showing the same ambivalent behavior I once did and didn’t even notice the FA tendencies. As it happens with cptsd, I was very preoccupied with figuring out whether I drove him away, if I did something wrong to make him leave. But something about the abrupt ambivalence of his actions felt icky to me. This video really put the whole situation in perspective for me. I am very thankful for your videos. You have helped me tremendously in understanding and empathizing with myself more.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing my work was helpful in connecting with understanding and empathy with yourself. I remember when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Love your videos Alan! They have been the best I have found so far because you are honest and don’t victim blame, you hold both parties responsible for their part or how to handle the situations. I dumped my boyfriend of 2 years when this push pull dynamic ultimately led to lots of confusion and anxiousness. I have learned through your videos the ways I could have been better too, but also the examples are great here because the clients with these tendencies are self aware and working on it. It’s a shame for those in this world who refuse to work on themselves and continue hurting others. So though I have been learning in where I can improve, I find this stuff validating too because I don’t think it would have mattered in my case. In addition to these avoidant tendencies, he was extremely rigid and might have straight up OCPD, he also made everything my fault when I brought concerns up so it was just inherently unworkable. At least I have lived and learned and am improving for my part.
Just found you. So much, so wonderful. How did you manage to see my current relationship? It’s almost magical except if I understand the universality of fear. It’s simple.
That is so true! My partner gives mixed signals, or I am to hyper vigilant and I can’t decide should I trust him or not… after a lot of internal ups and downs I can’t feel anything. I feel like I am a zombie. I don’t know. I have huge trust issues, and I am focused on signals that say: don’t trust!
Great awareness. If you only knew how many of us can relate. I know when trust came up in conversations about attachment injuries in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thank you for reflecting. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I appreciate it, thank you for the kind words and I'm glad my work brings you value. Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help.
im glad i found this video. Ive been going down a rabbithole trying to understand a woman whom I believe is the perfect woman for me, but shes been through some horrible abuse with past partners and her father, shes a FA im an anxious attacher, I dont wanna feel like i'm trying to manipulate her into having feelings for me again, I wanna be a more secure person so that I can be her friend even if i cant be her partner. she deserves someone that cares about her and loves her even if its not me.
I see you really making the effort to understand. There is so much that goes into our attachment wounds and it's so important to keep talking about this. I know this topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma ya i'll look at that thank you, i do really want her back, I think she still has feelings for me even though she acts like she doesnt. its hard, we went from a very strong bond to her shutting down. I reacted really insecurely at first but i've learned alot since then.. but its been very difficult navigating my feelings.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma i had to end it the other day, she kept gaslighting me and acting like things werent as deep as they were. it was incredibly hurtful
Wow! This is hands down the most thought provoking and helpful video I’ve watched surrounding attachment styles. Thank you so much for putting this together! Definitely liked & subscribed (all the things!)
I appreciate the warm welcome back and the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort and glad it brings benefit. Please share the link to this UA-cam video by sharing it elsewhere like on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Alan, could you make a video on intermittent reinforcement, please? Or is there one that targets this concept already? There is so much black and white thinking out there... It seems to me this dynamic happens a lot when two insecurely attached people try to come together because they probably grew up with intermittent reinforcement in the family dynamic and experience a lot of attachment distress, emotional flashbacks etc. and it ends up being a toxic relationship without either party necessarily being particularily narcissistic. Its just the trauma of two people colliding in a way that can be very (re-)traumatizing. But curently a lot of discussion around this topic is very polarized and judgemental. I would love to hear your attachment trauma focused take on it. And how you would look at it differently and in a more complex manner than just an addiction cycle. I think that would be tremendously helpful!
You're welcome and I'm glad you resonated with this content. It's affirming to know how many of us can relate. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz if you'd like to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, I'm glad this is helpful. We really can't talk enough about how we understand the attachment styles. We mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Have been together with a fearful avoidant man for 4 years. I have been passionate, understanding, patient and loving. Didn't push him, left him space. Still he broke up with me a second time. He says he "can't be in a relationship". It hurts so much bc I love him deeply. What about our pain?
An FA here… did this to my ex boyfriend. Based on feelings I generally grew disgusted about him and irritated. A lot of FAs can relate to this as well. So sorry you went through this I hope he heals cause it’s not normal I’m also trying my best to heal this attachment style, it is very hard to deal with
I just found your videos a few days ago and your approach absolutely resonates with me. Your message of compassion and understanding is what I need to move forward in the way I want to. In fact, you just saved me from a terrible over reaction to my partner’s pulling away after an amazing breakthrough 2 days ago. Instead of losing my composure and yelling, blaming him for my distress, i pulled up this video and got on the elliptical and that got me through the worst of it. Then I was able to express what I was experiencing and asked him to watch the video. Thank you ❤️
oh that's great to hear, thank you for sharing the videos were helpful for you. Many of us can relate with the distress when partners pull away. I know when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so affirming when others understand where we're coming from. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
7:56 I always thought I was anxiously attached but found out in therapy I had a disorganized attachment style. I lean more on the anxious side and the lower end of the spectrum. I’m working to get back to secure attachments. But never in my life have I ever wanted to hurt someone I love. The stigma is so wrong. 32:00 This answers so many questions. I definitely try to work misunderstandings out, but tiptoe around the issue. It’s like my way of bidding for understanding because I fear they won’t want to. So I have to feel it out first.
First of all, thank you very much for your work! All information is so useful The only problem here that I see is that when you say: ok if you feel like taking a run away from the session, do it. Doesn"t it sound like: ok,vif you are addicted to taking the drug that helps you escape reality, go and take it, it proved to be useful in a difficult situation, then let's use it again, and if you feel like giving up once , please be back... The problem is that they do protect themselves but it's like they have a blind on their eyes, and they "know" it"s dangerous. While the only thing they have to learn is that recognition of a safe situation. While they are just using inertia, not their reasoning. The question is why they continue to feel fear while there is no reason anymore.
I am no specialist, and if you are not looking for an answer from no specialist please ignore this. I am a FA myself tho and would like to share my personal insight on your question if that is alright with you. The running away to me is more like giving an option for the FA to retreat. Sometimes FA can respond a bit heavy on an issue out of emotion(especially when learning to set boundries for the first time) or they shut down completely. This is most likely due to a trigger or not being able to respond proportionally to an issue. E.a.: to respond to a lvl 2 issue as a level 10. Attachment issues form generally really early in life(babies). FA did not have the capability to walk away from their abuser(s) at that time. Show them they are not stuck in this situation, and can, if they want to, always remove themselves from a hard situation. It really just helps to let off the pressure of feeling doomed and creates space for the FA to reflect better. FA are still learning how to cope, and sometimes that means that if the first "proper" option doesnt work, then the second best option comes in place and that is removing oneself. With obviously the intens, to come back to it later. Now its really shit for the partner obviously. I personally am more of a communicater than running, however my FA partner definitely would be walking out of heavy discussions quite a few times. But did come back to talk about it more as he got space to reflect. And the question about why they feel fear when its not there anymore, is purely because its something that is ingrained in our nervoussystem. And its reaaally hard to let go of that believe. Its not necessarily a concious decision to feel that fear but a nervoussystem trigger. It takes a lot of effort, practice and consious reminding that we are safe I hope that may have given some answers to your questions :) feel free to ask for more if you would like
Even when announcing the need to withdraw, it's just so bloody hard to hear someone in the avoidant stance say that our interaction/intimicy is too much for them, and not trigger anxiety and confusion and worry that it clearly means they don't love us or aren't interested in our love! For the other to not take it personally, I it really needs to be expressed as "I am really struggling" and reassuring the other they are not to blame.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's great to be able to have this conversation with others who can relate and want to understand. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Crraaaazyyyyyyy how this hits the exact right spot with my relationship that ended the last week, woooow!!!! It's like it you took it as an example and just told the story to everyone 😅, how do I go about fixing it exactly? I'm the one who had the hard time loving the other side and getting close
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us can relate with having a hard time with this and thank you for the question. There isn't a simple answer because there are many unique aspects we'd need to consider for each person. I remember when we have mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you're not familiar with the Community learn more by taking the quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thanks alot! I would've loved to take sessions with you but it's just too expensive, I'm 26 and a student from Israel so times are tough 😔, thank you for everything you're doing for the community man!
I thought it was really informative, Alan. It made me look at the way I might be coming across as being judgemental in my thoughts towards my love interest. I never communicated any of it though. It just crept in although I have to say my 'male friend' really tested me and was totally confused most of the time. I was oblivious to the various attachment styles. I now dont think I am able to do the emotional dance as its draining. I will be focusing on me as I think I can now resasonate with the preoccupied attachment style behaviour and I'm now just exhausted from the push pull pattern and I guess also limerance. I've been recently ghosted with 4 months of no contact so not a great position to be in so time to move on. Keep the videos coming! Thank you!
Glad to hear this video was informative and helpful for you. Many of these things get brought up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's great when other can relate with our experiences. I want to share there's a new 8-week program starting this week in the Community. You're welcome to join us. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Ugh. I’ve been dealing with this for such a long time with a man 20yrs older. We dated 3 yrs while he was still technically married to now ex he sold as a roommate. The sincerity of how he came across with his feelings and empathy seemed absolutely genuine. But then would do things that made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and had to be available for him when he needs or it would result in a silent treatment and character assassination of my character. He say im toxic, possessive, or high maintenance. I never encountered that I suppose and tolerated it because my mother was kinda the same more obvious with her narcissistic needs and whatever else she had going on. Makes sense now when u mention eye contact. And I always knew I have a problem keeping eye contact with a lot of ppl especially ones that intimidate me or in a romantic fashion. Anyway there was a break for 7 yrs. Did lots of introspection and didn’t date really. I for real was still that hurt and attached I suppose and didn’t understand why or how this happened. After that period I reached out bc I forgave him in a sense and even who knows that wound that never healed. Don’t know if it’s bc I have inattentive ADD but I picked up every nuance or deviation of behavior and emotional closeness. So we started back up in a situationship. Now 40 him 60. He’s divorced but claims best friends and still staying and sharing bed with ex even though he has his own house. I believe there is no sexual thing with them there hasn’t been for years. She is highly narcissistic and it became obvious how he would prioritize her , act as if she completely helpless , constantly trying to impress her bc he sees her as high class, says it’s his responsibility bc it’s his fault she got stuck in this country and with him and a child and didn’t do this and that etc . Cycles kinda continued but he always came back around but because he was having severe pain that they could never diagnose. Wld come on and disappear depending on season and stress. Completely disappeared when he took Klonopin. Anyway that was his lure to draw me back few times . I told him I’m offering u prob the first time u can be honest with anyone in ur life u will do so that I’m not going to judge him but I expect honesty bc we were in a sexual relationship . He still could not do this. He became vulnerable and we were very close. But he wld NEVER apologize for anything never said he misses me or loves me even though he spent most time with me . Yet he maintained these 2 platonic relationships as he called them and this situationship . The other was an ex he said was love at first sight but she’s ocd and Crazy etc. says to keep as friend to hike n picnic with. (Rolls eyes) this time around super obvious when he wld push for emotional reciprocity from his ex( as in validating him for everything he does or just to wait around like a puppy for a head pat) this lady he needed for his emotional stability so when she pulled away he was more needy and nice towards me and If im sick of his shit at the time he hang with the next . I gingerly pointed this out many times that it hurts my feelings . He would gloss over and not respond at all to anything I say and change subject . Idk he developed coping by constantly flirting and seeking validation from women to support his ego. He I think knows this I made him aware . I been understanding and he appeared genuine about changing but that wld fall off very quickly. Idk im aware this emotional push and pull was now affecting my health and was pulling away from other ppl to help him constantly. Even though I forgave him for a lot he continued to blatantly lie about other women when I told him to let me know . He has no boundaries or even understanding of how much attention or respect should go to who . No clue how or why one should take priority over the others. And all this chaos and triangulation he been doing he claims is a happy life when he doesn’t have the pain. I tried to help, I can’t anymore. He’s 63 prob never going to change to help himself . His ex has no intention of allowing that supply to have a life outside her. And he still defends and praises her the ex and the ex spouse he would tell them both he loves them or misses them, thanks them for everything they do for him when neither are there when he is in need. Even has that fake butt kissing soft voice when he speaks with them. Eh I never tried or force commitment of any type he wld treat me as a gf he conditionally wld tell some ppl that but didn’t apply when new supply came around. . He has no self control and I have/ had to close that door. Absolutely hurts to the core to know all you have done, sacrificed for them it’s all for nothing . He’s very black and white . It’s hard to grasp how they think and rationalize what they do to ppl over and over . And that all that time meant nothing , time wasted , and wounds that never heal . All this also reasons u go back. But no I can’t. He needs to find himself and see a professional . Unless u have a degree, are rich or prestigious you just a normal dumb person and he can’t take as fact . I wish him the best .
And still, people in the comments are doing exactly what you’re speaking to. As a fearful avoidant/disorganized, we’re all aware of the hate and lack of empathy understanding we get as opposed to the “anxious types”. Thank you Alan for speaking to the pain we go through too. Im working on myself and I do not have malicious intentions, but I still struggle with avoidance.
I agree, it's so important to break this down. Thanks for the comments.
And they always will unfortunately
Yet, 'anxious types' are often blamed for causing avoidant behaviors...
Proud of you! You’re trying and that’s all that matters ❤
Maybe you're just seeing what it feels like on the other side. The empathy you get is the empathy you give.
I've missed you!! Your video on the narcissistic wound was THE video that started me on my journey. Your honesty and passion is unrivaled and greatly appreciated.
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for the warm welcome back. Glad my work has brought you benefit.
I think that was the first video I watched on the channel, too, and one of the first that really got me into educating myself on trauma and attachment theory. Such a distinct perspective on narcissistic tendencies. None of that pointing to other peoples' wrongdoing but starting with yourself. I really appreciate that.
Lots of hurt from a fearful avoidant. My ex only recognized his discomfort, but didn't acknowledge the pain he caused. His behavior translated as cruelty.
Gut wrenchingly cruel mine was!
6 1/2 years 3 x he’s deactivated. Each time saying he only ‘thought he loved me’
While when we were together he was Love you so much!
Wow....spent the last 2 months learning about attachment styles after a sudden deactivation / discard from my FA (sorry for acronym!) partner of 8 years (narcissistic abuse from mother throughout childhood). She shut down due to being highly dysregulated fom stress. Literally, been around the whole Internet on it and learnt so much about it (I am very secure). This is hands down the best resource I have come across. Amazing. Superb. Thank you....has helped me solidify what I have learned over the last 2 months, but I love the more personal and human approach to it.
I was married to FA for decades, we’re separated now, but still legally married. The bread-crumbing, avoidant, and non communication was a slow and crushing death to my emotional wellbeing. I stayed and continued colluding in my own suffering for too long! I finally asked him to leave. I am slowly healing and becoming more self aware thanks to you. You are a tremendous blessing, Alan.
❤
i swear this is my story too. why am i still holding on?? I feel like a pathetic loser accepting breadcrumbs from my own husband. Its even worse because we have a child together so I have to see him every week. I wish I could just go no contact it would help me so much to get over this heartbreaking marriage
@@Mtooma139 I’m so sorry that you have to go through this😢. It’s twice as hard trying to move forward and heal when you are in contact with your avoidant partner. If you have to communicate, do it via email or text. With time, a lot of therapy, and self reflection…it will get better🧘🏽♀️.
Why are you not divorced?
@@ButterCookie1984 After 34 years, why bother? Our finances are separated, he lives on the other side of town in his townhouse, and I live in my house. He kept everything that was his (pension, annuities, social security, health insurance), and l kept what was mine. It works for us… If he should ever want to get a divorce, I am agreeable to it. But I’m not running to a lawyer to spend thousands of dollars to legally end a marriage, l rather spend my money remodeling my kitchen, which I did😉. I haven’t seen him in two years.🧘🏽♀️
Insanely on point. I agree with not categorizing a person and I'm always working on self awareness and improving myself. I am more of an anxious and my partner is more fearful. Your video helps me to better understand and progress forward both alone and with my partner. Thank you
I think this is a very sensitive video that takes care to see deeper than labels. Very refreshing.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Glad to hear you connect with the video. I know many of us have been on the receiving end where there hasn't been that much sensitivity so I think it's very important to talk about. I know when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's refreshing to know how many people can relate and we learn so much together. Thanks again for the positive comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
listening to you is like being wrapped in a warm plaid on a cold day...
Thanks for the comment.
This is such a cute comment
@@brennam954 😊
Agreed
I've missed you here on UA-cam!! Your voice is so refreshing to hear amongst so much UA-cam noise! Post often!
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my work.
Thanks, Alan. I come back to your videos again and again! Your nuanced view is so soothing. My fearful avoidance plays out mostly in intimate relationships, luckily right from the start in the dating phase. I am so good at forming deep and meaningful bonds with others.
But almost with certainty, after the second or third date, my fear kicks in so heavily that I can't continue. Lately, I understood that I have to open up about my condition, but even if the other person wants to give it a try, I can't because it's too painful, and I don't want to burden the other person with my emotional instability so i stopped dating not to hurt myself and others until i am more stable.
this one video has been more helpful and elucidating than my past eight months of therapy :( I think I need a new therapist. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know my work is helpful.
This really clarified the FA dynamic. I previously focused on DA and AP but it was important to understand the disorganized style as well.
Oh I so needed this! I have been doing so much research but this makes so much sense. You're right there is too much blame and objectifying people with problems. We need to be more compassionate.
It's true, good insight. Thanks for the comment and glad this is helpful.
I’m
So thankful to hear this video. It’s not like we intentionally want to be confusing. Spend a day in my brain…. Going from enjoying my partner and then feeling like you’re being chased by a bear. Ugh!
Thank you for the feedback that this video was helpful and for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate.
There was a conversation similar to your comment in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community take the relationship quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Then stop dating people who u see as willing victims. Ur damaging.
I didn't figure right away that my bf is FA. I keep on wondering why he is hot and cold to me. Then he told me he gets these doubts in his head, then it would explode, then go back again to his senses.
I don’t think people want to villainize the avoidant. But it’s particularly hurtful when we have voiced what is needed to satisfy at least us and the avoidant responds by shutting down. The person I was seeing was told what I wanted and what I needed. He said he could t give me that. Ok fine, I enjoyed you and I hope you can find what you are looking for. He waits a week and calls back like I didn’t say anything. I fall back in, cycle continues. They don’t have boundaries either. I’ve told him, look I’m not trying to change you, but if you can’t even meet me half way, I can’t be in whatever this is with you (he refused to define the relationship). He disappeared for 4 weeks and then came back in to breadcrumb. Disappeared again for two weeks at which time I blocked him. It pained me to do so because I told him I wouldn’t block him anymore. But when you aren’t changing and still think you can keep me entangled in your mess, no, all bets are off. We are not professional therapists, so I agree, we shouldn’t go around diagnosing people. But if we tell them what we want and they refuse or just can’t provide it, we deserve the right to move on from the relationship. I don’t want to live in a loveless, sexless relationship. I’m functional. It’s best to just move on. If they don’t want to get help or work together in making the relationship functional and secure on both sides then chuck up the deuces ✌🏾
You are so clear and empathic /sympathetic with your explanation of these very deep feelings on relating in love thank you ❤
These people need partners that are very emotionally mature and can take their ego out out things. Not personalise how much space they need. Saying that, you can educate yourself about how best to not overwhelm them and show understanding . But when they discard you out of nowhere it’s still very hurtful, and trust is ruined once again.
In my experience it's not been a matter of maturity. People struggling with FA attachment style will evoke from you reactions that confirm their biases on intimacy and closeness. When you're open to practicing vulnerability and get suddenly shut out or see them emotionally disappear, you will feel anxiety, and this is normal. No matter how maturely you manage that anxiety, your reaction will always be on their subconscious script. You healthily distance yourself, and they will be like "you see, I ruin everything". You ask for consistency, and it's gonna be "you're smothering me". All compassion for them, and no labeling, but they need to address this core issue in psychotherapy.
@@Miik87 So true…
ya its hard when they bounce for sure.
@@Miik87 Exactly, why would they deserve someone who's mature and healthy if they bring nothing to the table?
@@Miik87 I felt like everything I do or say will make it worse so I became more and more subdued around anything deeper or more intimate. The fun , physical affection was out of this world and we did so much together but that closed door was in the background which didn't look like it would ever open. And when we were apart i stopped calling or messaging first so I didn't appear needy but its not fulfilling.
I am blown away by your videos. I appreciate your compassion toward the people who are trying to negotiate these difficult situations. I have not heard the kind of detail you offer as to how avoidant behavior shows up and why it occurs. I continue to get triggered by feeling ignored in my marriage, and then I distance myself, until I can get back on track. I also have a pattern of getting involved with "friends" who are nonstop talkers. One family member does that, too. Thank you so much for all your videos.
Thank you for this video. It is information that more people need to know, and definitely none more than I.
I am going to be watching this many times
You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
Hi Alan, it's truly wonderful to see you back on UA-cam! Your content and the messages you share mean a lot to us 🫶 Your non-judgmental approach, infused with compassion and empathy, deeply resonates with me ♥I appreciate how you delicately guide people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style towards embracing vulnerability in communicating their needs and emotions without blaming their partner/friend/family member on the receiving end🙏 It takes a great deal of self-awareness, accountability, empathy for others, and self-compassion to engage in such behavior.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for seeing my effort and for valuing my work.
I know when this topic came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you aren't familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you. I will take the quiz.
Thank you Alan for reminded us not to put labels on ourselves, and to bring compassion not matter what part or wound is coming up in close relationships
What you said at minute 24 in this video is exactly what happened to me. My ex, who I still love much, was constantly using that level of speech with me. Asking me to be vulnerable, asking for more intimacy etc. Things that I didn't understand. I tried to adapt to her needs, did my research, discovered attachment theory and came back happy that now I finally understand what she was talking about, with the hope that now we could work things together as a team. At that very moment she said: I'm not interested any more. We broke up because we needed to break up. She might be right, but the fact that she pulled away the moment that I came with a response to her main requests, broke me up in pieces
I hear your intention and willingness to make it work. If you only knew how many of us have been in that spot. I'm reminded how both people need skills in creating repair in order for it to be a workable relationship. I remember when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thank you for sharing your experience. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I hope the next person you date can work with you
That was great thanks Alan.
The idea that a habit of withdrawing to preserve self (combat overwhelm) can be converted to a conscious tool (of agency) to communicate that I need a pause in intimacy, is very helpful - 'the goodness' of an old behaviour becomes clear and so I can practice some both/and - both connected with and discerned from - (the other person) and able to communicate what's happening.
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing this video was helpful for you.
Thank you for helping me find the words for it.
Glad this was helpful for you. Thank you for the support.
I like the long format
Thanks.
I was secure than became FA. I didn't have good boundaries and I let someone that was bad for me to stay in my life longer than they should have. I can't wait to be healthy again.
This is the best video I have seen on avoidant attachment style. Thank you.
Dear Alan, I'm listening to your thoughts since 2017 and you're still offering one of the the most valuable content on 'my' Internet ;) Best greetings from Poland
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work is helpful and brings you value.
Please share the link to this UA-cam video and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
So hugely impactful and compassionate - as always. In day 2 of being ignored / avoided and while I have empathy for him, I know I owe an even greater measure to me to remove myself from this hurt - AGAIN.
I sometimes wonder if there's really any point attempting to connect with a new man in future... the mess of me and all my trauma symptoms and weaknesses just repeat. Considering myself (and acting like) a lone wolf seems to be the only way... 😢🐺
What a lousy, ugly start to a new year. What can I say... I brought it on myself by folding like a deck chair and reaching out at Christmas DESPITE ALL my studies and therapy.
Having cultivated awareness, just makes the show harder to watch, cause you can't hide behind your old blinders. You're just standing in your own self generated pain bath without a towel to cover you once you pull up out of it.
Thanks Alan. ❤
You show me the possibility of levels of compassion toward another and toward myself I couldn't even conceptualize before hearing it from you this way. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work connects for you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
I know when this topic came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about the Community learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Well put ❤
Thank you so much for this perspective. I really appreciate the compassionate ways to deal with this, both in myself and in my special person. I have been accepting crumbs and don't ever want to do this again. But also know that I can bravely ask for what I need in a way that is heard.
Mmhmm I can so understand what you mean by accepting crumbs. If you only knew how many of us can relate and I'm glad you're asking for what you need. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm glad this video was helpful. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
amazing, this really hit home, best ever video on explaining the attachment issues , i will replay over and over .
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort.
So glad to see a new video! Much love to you Alan! (from Chicago's Roger's Park neighborhood!)
Thank you for the love and thank you for valuing my work.
Thank you, this was very helpful to me. I still don't know where my relationship stands but you described my situation almost exactly and gave me some hope that she will want to continue after her disconnect. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
I've watched this 4 times now. You articulate this emotional state so well - I feel seen and validated. Thank you.
Thanks for this. I really appreciate your effort to show how avoidant patterns are an adaptive response to distress, not just being mean and withholding.
Looking at this from a fresh lens of how I FRAME my perspective of experiencing these behaviors from both sides was so very helpful. Such compassion & logic. Thank you, as always!! God bless!!
Truly brilliant. You’ve hit the nail on the head on both sides of the issue, and have offered a very possible solution.
Hi Alan, I don’t know if you’ll see this but I want you to know you helped me so much get over my narcissistic ex and toxic relationship. I used to watch your videos so much when I was in that relationship. You helped me see the signs of narcissistic abuse and now I’m out of that relationship and I’m so grateful. Thank you for everything you do! ❤
Thank you for the comment and thank you for valuing my work. Glad it brings benefit.
Wow!! Your insight on this is amazing. Besides that your style of explaining this is so nourishing. Thank you so much
Thank you for seeing my effort and glad you connect with my style of explaining. I know this is a topic many people talk about. If you're not familiar, this is the type of discussion we have at the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be nourishing and affirming when others can relate and we learn so much from each other.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Love the painting and your animated intro! Lovely to see you. Thank you very much for this video. Couldn't have come at a more apt time. I appreciate your articulation skill and perspicacity. So refreshing and reaches areas no one else ever has.
Aww thank you! Especially devillainising the avoidant coping mechanism. I have noticed I am guilty of doing it too, to my defend , it comes from a point of self preservation. You talking about it made me reconnect to compassion and noticing all those colours between black and white.
I’ve watched so many videos and read so many books on this subject, but you truly, truly blow my mind in how well you explain this!!! I honestly feel so seen and heard listening to you… like these are recorded for me personally!! I can’t thank you enough for the relief and support I feel from your content ❤
Oh I'm so glad to hear this video brought you some relief and support. Thank you for connecting with this content. It's so validating when others can connect with what we share. I want to share you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other because of how much we can relate. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks for going into all the detail _ this is very helpful.
Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Please cut and paste the UA-cam link of this video and post it elsewhere like other social sites. It's helpful spreading the word on these topics. Thank you for your help.
This explains so much as to why my husband has certain actions or even lack of has been. However he has chosen to cheat when he is distancing himself from our relationship. All this has caused me to not trust or feel valued
Extremely helpful, so very grateful.Looking forward to your future videos.
Thank you for sharing my work is helpful for you.
Since this video is helpful you may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
If I UNDERSTAND them then I better KNOW how to COPE with their NORMAL. Any insight you share helps ME understand. I do not change or fix anyone. Everyone is working on SELF to a certain degree. Thanks for the video. NO labels are allowed. This man is a good HEALER. He helps OTHERS heal themselves.
Well said, execution was in my opinion perfect. Thank you for being so human and kind and sharing your work. I needed this - what felt like a hug- today.
I'd love a similar deep dive into the anxious attachment style. My wife is a fearful-avoidant and this was excellent to know where she's coming from and how I can meet her there. I'm more anxiously attached so I'm interested in your thoughts on that in a more in-depth take. Thanks for the amazing content!
your back! So happy to hear you talk about all these important topics. thank you so much for everything :) all the best for you
Thank you for the warm welcome back and thank you for valuing my effort.
This was great, and also side-splitting funny at times. You have really nailed the character of some relationships. 😊
Glad you like this video. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this video by posting it on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
Welcome back!!
I appreciate your work so much
Thank you for the kind words and warm welcome.
Thank you for being. For showing that it is not black and white only.
You know I read this book "Attached" and I felt like the biggest criminal ever. Although I am avoidant sometimes. Because sometimes I am also safe and sometimes I am also fearful. I thought: am I crazy? In that book there is only a way of thinking: if you are fearful, you have to protect yourself against that avoidant monster. And in the chapter for avoidant people there was nothing to help them. Except for saying how terrible they are. Not the best motivation to work out
Thank you for the summary. Glad this video brought some perspective. I think it's important to dispel the labels and really see all the different nuances... exactly, it's not all black and white. I want to share, I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I needed this so bad. Struggling so much with FA style now in a secure partnership. Desperate for resources so I don’t run. Here we are 😞
I hear you. Thank you for sharing this video connected for you.
I know when we have mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships, the conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the community learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is the best video about my self yet . THANKYOU XX
thank you for taking the time and investing the energy in producing a long form presentation like this.
I'm glad this video is helpful and thank you for seeing my efforts. I want to share you may also like the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
"healthy distancing and separation" is essential,,I am beginning to entertain the idea of a committed relationship,,it brings up so many wild, intense emotions and I know the desire to run will be the thing that I want to share with my possible partner and talk through the underlying issue. A big part of the fear is that someone could even care about what the real thing is and talk about it..
35:59 Perfect language to express the need for distance/time
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this video resonates. Also check out the relationship quiz if interested. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Very relatable and helpful thank you for your knowledge 🙏
I am a fearful avoidant. I want to heal this attachment style.
Thank you for this video. It was really useful to understand my mistakes as relapsed anxious-preoccupied towards the fearful avoidant/disorganized person I was dating. I really care about him, I’m trying to understand how to re-approach him respecting both his and my mental wellbeing.
This was VERY helpful and I'll be playing this and other videos of yours over and over.
I appreciate the feedback. Glad my work brings you benefit.
I know this topic also came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, Alan, this was very accurate and valuable. I was FA and felt that this described what was going on internally very accurately. Avoidance wasn’t a choice for me, it felt like it was the only option to handle a certain situation and to regulate and get back in touch with myself. I recently dated someone who was showing the same ambivalent behavior I once did and didn’t even notice the FA tendencies. As it happens with cptsd, I was very preoccupied with figuring out whether I drove him away, if I did something wrong to make him leave. But something about the abrupt ambivalence of his actions felt icky to me. This video really put the whole situation in perspective for me. I am very thankful for your videos. You have helped me tremendously in understanding and empathizing with myself more.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing my work was helpful in connecting with understanding and empathy with yourself.
I remember when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is the most useful video I have watched to date on this subject. Very restorative. Thankyou ❤
I'm constantly confused by my own feelings. It's so hard, constantly hurting myself and others unintentionally.
Listened again... Thankful again.
Thank you Alan!! I like this video format a lot 🤗 you do important work
You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
Thanks again for everything you’re giving to us, Alan ❤
You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Love your videos Alan! They have been the best I have found so far because you are honest and don’t victim blame, you hold both parties responsible for their part or how to handle the situations. I dumped my boyfriend of 2 years when this push pull dynamic ultimately led to lots of confusion and anxiousness. I have learned through your videos the ways I could have been better too, but also the examples are great here because the clients with these tendencies are self aware and working on it. It’s a shame for those in this world who refuse to work on themselves and continue hurting others. So though I have been learning in where I can improve, I find this stuff validating too because I don’t think it would have mattered in my case. In addition to these avoidant tendencies, he was extremely rigid and might have straight up OCPD, he also made everything my fault when I brought concerns up so it was just inherently unworkable. At least I have lived and learned and am improving for my part.
Just found you. So much, so wonderful. How did you manage to see my current relationship? It’s almost magical except if I understand the universality of fear. It’s simple.
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my work. Glad it resonates.
You're helping a lot of people.
That is so true! My partner gives mixed signals, or I am to hyper vigilant and I can’t decide should I trust him or not… after a lot of internal ups and downs I can’t feel anything. I feel like I am a zombie. I don’t know. I have huge trust issues, and I am focused on signals that say: don’t trust!
Great awareness. If you only knew how many of us can relate. I know when trust came up in conversations about attachment injuries in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thank you for reflecting. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Great to see you again Alan. Your timing is impeccable 👌
I find this one hard to watch
Thank you. Glad my work is helpful.
Thanks for your wisdom which shows love , empathy compassion ❤
I appreciate it, thank you for the kind words and I'm glad my work brings you value.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help.
im glad i found this video. Ive been going down a rabbithole trying to understand a woman whom I believe is the perfect woman for me, but shes been through some horrible abuse with past partners and her father, shes a FA im an anxious attacher, I dont wanna feel like i'm trying to manipulate her into having feelings for me again, I wanna be a more secure person so that I can be her friend even if i cant be her partner. she deserves someone that cares about her and loves her even if its not me.
I see you really making the effort to understand. There is so much that goes into our attachment wounds and it's so important to keep talking about this. I know this topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma ya i'll look at that thank you, i do really want her back, I think she still has feelings for me even though she acts like she doesnt. its hard, we went from a very strong bond to her shutting down. I reacted really insecurely at first but i've learned alot since then.. but its been very difficult navigating my feelings.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma i had to end it the other day, she kept gaslighting me and acting like things werent as deep as they were. it was incredibly hurtful
Love the video & all the nuances in your explanations....very nourishing. Thank you
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings you benefit.
Thanks for the compassion and empathy
wonderfully insightful and so well put so much great info ty
I appreciate the kind words. You're welcome.
Wow! This is hands down the most thought provoking and helpful video I’ve watched surrounding attachment styles. Thank you so much for putting this together! Definitely liked & subscribed (all the things!)
Thank you, Alan!
You're welcome.
Delighted your back Alain your work helps me enormously. ❤
I appreciate the warm welcome back and the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort and glad it brings benefit.
Please share the link to this UA-cam video by sharing it elsewhere like on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
I think consistency is key to an FA as it makes us trust the person easily especially at the beginning of a relationship
Very insightful.Thank you !
Alan, could you make a video on intermittent reinforcement, please? Or is there one that targets this concept already?
There is so much black and white thinking out there... It seems to me this dynamic happens a lot when two insecurely attached people try to come together because they probably grew up with intermittent reinforcement in the family dynamic and experience a lot of attachment distress, emotional flashbacks etc. and it ends up being a toxic relationship without either party necessarily being particularily narcissistic. Its just the trauma of two people colliding in a way that can be very (re-)traumatizing. But curently a lot of discussion around this topic is very polarized and judgemental. I would love to hear your attachment trauma focused take on it. And how you would look at it differently and in a more complex manner than just an addiction cycle. I think that would be tremendously helpful!
This information is so valuable. I’m listen I g to your vidoes one after the other. Thank you!!!
Very helpful.... thank you so much for this content. Sounds just like me. Don't feel like a freak now 😊
You're welcome and I'm glad you resonated with this content. It's affirming to know how many of us can relate. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz if you'd like to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I greatly appreciate the information you're spreading. Thank you
Thank you, I'm glad this is helpful. We really can't talk enough about how we understand the attachment styles. We mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Have been together with a fearful avoidant man for 4 years. I have been passionate, understanding, patient and loving. Didn't push him, left him space. Still he broke up with me a second time. He says he "can't be in a relationship". It hurts so much bc I love him deeply. What about our pain?
6 1/2 years
Exactly. What about our pain?
An FA here… did this to my ex boyfriend. Based on feelings I generally grew disgusted about him and irritated. A lot of FAs can relate to this as well. So sorry you went through this I hope he heals cause it’s not normal I’m also trying my best to heal this attachment style, it is very hard to deal with
I just found your videos a few days ago and your approach absolutely resonates with me. Your message of compassion and understanding is what I need to move forward in the way I want to. In fact, you just saved me from a terrible over reaction to my partner’s pulling away after an amazing breakthrough 2 days ago. Instead of losing my composure and yelling, blaming him for my distress, i pulled up this video and got on the elliptical and that got me through the worst of it. Then I was able to express what I was experiencing and asked him to watch the video. Thank you ❤️
oh that's great to hear, thank you for sharing the videos were helpful for you. Many of us can relate with the distress when partners pull away. I know when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so affirming when others understand where we're coming from. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
❤❤❤ thank you for sharing such a compassionate perspective on this topic.
7:56 I always thought I was anxiously attached but found out in therapy I had a disorganized attachment style. I lean more on the anxious side and the lower end of the spectrum. I’m working to get back to secure attachments. But never in my life have I ever wanted to hurt someone I love. The stigma is so wrong.
32:00 This answers so many questions. I definitely try to work misunderstandings out, but tiptoe around the issue. It’s like my way of bidding for understanding because I fear they won’t want to. So I have to feel it out first.
First of all, thank you very much for your work! All information is so useful
The only problem here that I see is that when you say: ok if you feel like taking a run away from the session, do it.
Doesn"t it sound like: ok,vif you are addicted to taking the drug that helps you escape reality, go and take it, it proved to be useful in a difficult situation, then let's use it again, and if you feel like giving up once , please be back...
The problem is that they do protect themselves but it's like they have a blind on their eyes, and they "know" it"s dangerous. While the only thing they have to learn is that recognition of a safe situation. While they are just using inertia, not their reasoning. The question is why they continue to feel fear while there is no reason anymore.
I am no specialist, and if you are not looking for an answer from no specialist please ignore this.
I am a FA myself tho and would like to share my personal insight on your question if that is alright with you.
The running away to me is more like giving an option for the FA to retreat.
Sometimes FA can respond a bit heavy on an issue out of emotion(especially when learning to set boundries for the first time) or they shut down completely. This is most likely due to a trigger or not being able to respond proportionally to an issue. E.a.: to respond to a lvl 2 issue as a level 10.
Attachment issues form generally really early in life(babies). FA did not have the capability to walk away from their abuser(s) at that time.
Show them they are not stuck in this situation, and can, if they want to, always remove themselves from a hard situation. It really just helps to let off the pressure of feeling doomed and creates space for the FA to reflect better.
FA are still learning how to cope, and sometimes that means that if the first "proper" option doesnt work, then the second best option comes in place and that is removing oneself. With obviously the intens, to come back to it later. Now its really shit for the partner obviously. I personally am more of a communicater than running, however my FA partner definitely would be walking out of heavy discussions quite a few times. But did come back to talk about it more as he got space to reflect.
And the question about why they feel fear when its not there anymore, is purely because its something that is ingrained in our nervoussystem. And its reaaally hard to let go of that believe. Its not necessarily a concious decision to feel that fear but a nervoussystem trigger. It takes a lot of effort, practice and consious reminding that we are safe
I hope that may have given some answers to your questions :) feel free to ask for more if you would like
Excellent and helpful video thank you!
Thank you, it was very helpful!
Even when announcing the need to withdraw, it's just so bloody hard to hear someone in the avoidant stance say that our interaction/intimicy is too much for them, and not trigger anxiety and confusion and worry that it clearly means they don't love us or aren't interested in our love! For the other to not take it personally, I it really needs to be expressed as "I am really struggling" and reassuring the other they are not to blame.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It's great to be able to have this conversation with others who can relate and want to understand. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes it's hard to know how we come off
Thank you for this video. It was very thoughtful and well-rounded information.
You're welcome. I appreciate the kind comment.
Crraaaazyyyyyyy how this hits the exact right spot with my relationship that ended the last week, woooow!!!! It's like it you took it as an example and just told the story to everyone 😅, how do I go about fixing it exactly? I'm the one who had the hard time loving the other side and getting close
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us can relate with having a hard time with this and thank you for the question. There isn't a simple answer because there are many unique aspects we'd need to consider for each person.
I remember when we have mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you're not familiar with the Community learn more by taking the quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thanks alot! I would've loved to take sessions with you but it's just too expensive, I'm 26 and a student from Israel so times are tough 😔, thank you for everything you're doing for the community man!
I thought it was really informative, Alan. It made me look at the way I might be coming across as being judgemental in my thoughts towards my love interest. I never communicated any of it though. It just crept in although I have to say my 'male friend' really tested me and was totally confused most of the time. I was oblivious to the various attachment styles. I now dont think I am able to do the emotional dance as its draining. I will be focusing on me as I think I can now resasonate with the preoccupied attachment style behaviour and I'm now just exhausted from the push pull pattern and I guess also limerance. I've been recently ghosted with 4 months of no contact so not a great position to be in so time to move on. Keep the videos coming! Thank you!
Glad to hear this video was informative and helpful for you. Many of these things get brought up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's great when other can relate with our experiences. I want to share there's a new 8-week program starting this week in the Community. You're welcome to join us. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for the feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Ugh. I’ve been dealing with this for such a long time with a man 20yrs older. We dated 3 yrs while he was still technically married to now ex he sold as a roommate. The sincerity of how he came across with his feelings and empathy seemed absolutely genuine. But then would do things that made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and had to be available for him when he needs or it would result in a silent treatment and character assassination of my character. He say im toxic, possessive, or high maintenance. I never encountered that I suppose and tolerated it because my mother was kinda the same more obvious with her narcissistic needs and whatever else she had going on. Makes sense now when u mention eye contact. And I always knew I have a problem keeping eye contact with a lot of ppl especially ones that intimidate me or in a romantic fashion.
Anyway there was a break for 7 yrs. Did lots of introspection and didn’t date really. I for real was still that hurt and attached I suppose and didn’t understand why or how this happened.
After that period I reached out bc I forgave him in a sense and even who knows that wound that never healed. Don’t know if it’s bc I have inattentive ADD but I picked up every nuance or deviation of behavior and emotional closeness. So we started back up in a situationship. Now 40 him 60. He’s divorced but claims best friends and still staying and sharing bed with ex even though he has his own house. I believe there is no sexual thing with them there hasn’t been for years. She is highly narcissistic and it became obvious how he would prioritize her , act as if she completely helpless , constantly trying to impress her bc he sees her as high class, says it’s his responsibility bc it’s his fault she got stuck in this country and with him and a child and didn’t do this and that etc . Cycles kinda continued but he always came back around but because he was having severe pain that they could never diagnose. Wld come on and disappear depending on season and stress. Completely disappeared when he took Klonopin. Anyway that was his lure to draw me back few times . I told him I’m offering u prob the first time u can be honest with anyone in ur life u will do so that I’m not going to judge him but I expect honesty bc we were in a sexual relationship . He still could not do this. He became vulnerable and we were very close. But he wld NEVER apologize for anything never said he misses me or loves me even though he spent most time with me . Yet he maintained these 2 platonic relationships as he called them and this situationship . The other was an ex he said was love at first sight but she’s ocd and Crazy etc. says to keep as friend to hike n picnic with. (Rolls eyes) this time around super obvious when he wld push for emotional reciprocity from his ex( as in validating him for everything he does or just to wait around like a puppy for a head pat) this lady he needed for his emotional stability so when she pulled away he was more needy and nice towards me and If im sick of his shit at the time he hang with the next . I gingerly pointed this out many times that it hurts my feelings . He would gloss over and not respond at all to anything I say and change subject . Idk he developed coping by constantly flirting and seeking validation from women to support his ego. He I think knows this I made him aware . I been understanding and he appeared genuine about changing but that wld fall off very quickly. Idk im aware this emotional push and pull was now affecting my health and was pulling away from other ppl to help him constantly. Even though I forgave him for a lot he continued to blatantly lie about other women when I told him to let me know . He has no boundaries or even understanding of how much attention or respect should go to who . No clue how or why one should take priority over the others. And all this chaos and triangulation he been doing he claims is a happy life when he doesn’t have the pain. I tried to help, I can’t anymore. He’s 63 prob never going to change to help himself . His ex has no intention of allowing that supply to have a life outside her. And he still defends and praises her the ex and the ex spouse he would tell them both he loves them or misses them, thanks them for everything they do for him when neither are there when he is in need. Even has that fake butt kissing soft voice when he speaks with them. Eh I never tried or force commitment of any type he wld treat me as a gf he conditionally wld tell some ppl that but didn’t apply when new supply came around. . He has no self control and I have/ had to close that door. Absolutely hurts to the core to know all you have done, sacrificed for them it’s all for nothing . He’s very black and white . It’s hard to grasp how they think and rationalize what they do to ppl over and over . And that all that time meant nothing , time wasted , and wounds that never heal . All this also reasons u go back. But no I can’t. He needs to find himself and see a professional . Unless u have a degree, are rich or prestigious you just a normal dumb person and he can’t take as fact . I wish him the best .
This was really good so informative Thank You 🙏 ❤