Attachment Wounds Fusing Shame With Love: Bonding Through Trauma / Healing Therapy for Relationships
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- Опубліковано 13 січ 2024
- Attachment Wounds Fusing Shame With Love: Bonding Through Trauma / Healing Therapy for Relationships
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
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I was once told that you should believe that "you" are the one you are looking for. This helps me to lose the "glow" of falling in love. I prefer to see people as "human" and not to expect too much. Going slow and seeing the person "realistically". Not to fall into the "please rescue me" from the responsibility of my emotional growth.
I've been on a journey of personal healing for years. It just hit me that I am gathering more and more information with the hope it will finally make the difference. Reading self-help books, going to therapy, and other methods. I've done so much. I'm not saying it's hopeless but I'm recognizing that no "thing" or "person" can fill the void. It's all hope. My little child inside holding onto hope. I question if anything can fix this empty feeling. I have so much and I'm grateful. However, I wanted my parents to see, hear, and know me. The grief of never knowing that feeling hurts so much.
I hear you. I’ve learned that you are the person who can fill the void. Seeing yourself fully and loving and accepting yourself fills the void. This is a process but it looks like allowing yourself to fully feel the grief and all of the feelings that come along with it, and cuddling yourself, validating your feelings, whatever makes you feel seen, heard, understood. Sending you so much love 🤍
I am so grateful that you are making videos again- the depth of your sharing and insight are such gifts going out into the world, while the *way* you explain things just works SO well for me. I know I’m going to come back to this one again repeatedly because the truth of it landed so deeply and with clarity- *this* is how to finally walk away and leave it behind. This is what I was trying to describe but couldn’t find all the elements. Thank you, so very much; I’m definitely looking forward to the continued journey to beyond the wound.
Wow Wow Wow! That hit me in my soul. Thank you Alan for each one of your videos. You always uncover more dimensions and you have helped me engage in a true healing journey. I’m so glad that I’ve found you and that you’re making videos consistently again. Much appreciated!! Much love to you!!! ❤❤❤
I absolutely know that the reason therapy helped me was because of the therapeutic relationship. For me, I needed to be re- parented in therapy
@@apatheliac Seeking a life coach rather than a partner is I suspect something a lot of people do, myself included. Thank you for sharing. It helps to know others have similar feelings and experiences.
@@apatheliac Well, I don’t know what’s best for you, but I wish you the best. But a lot of the time during therapy I didn’t really know I was being re-parented. It was only after yours went by that I look back, and I realized that the whole therapeutic relationship taught me what healthy relationships are, by being in the healthy relationship (the therapeutic relationship). So although I was always in there talking about “my problems”, in reality I was learning a whole new paradigm.
Makes sense to me. I think it’s only confusing if you haven’t had this kind of emotional neglect. Thank you for another helpful video.
Alan is so profound ❤ thank God for your existence 🙏🏽
Dear Alan,
Thank you again for another video.
I am still trying to understand all this, but from the bottom of my heart, I would just request a favor (albeit from a perfect stranger) that however you continue to run your practice to please never take these videos down. I know you have mentioned considering that before. Even though I don’t fully understand all of what you’ve shared yet, or the science of attachment styles, etc., I have believed your videos have been a lifeline for me. Some of them I have watched over and over and feel that I have gotten something new almost every time.
Sincerely
I agree, Alan, please never take your videos down. I mean yes, I have my own therapist, so I’m not dependent on the videos. But your videos it’s hard to describe, but they just demonstrate exactly with so much of us I’ve gone through. I never had major trauma like physical or sexual abuse. But I was from a home that lacked appreciation for who I was. I was the black sheep. And your videos just hit spot on with me. That I still go back and watch them sometimes. You get it.
Watching this video was a wild emotional ride. You are seriously a master at your craft. Thank you for the work that you do.
Every word you spoke was pure truth to my experience. An absolute masterpiece for me to watch. Thank you so much. I'm looking forward to the next videos.
This is the absolute best explanation of this that I have heard.
Goodbye to the hope, that another can provide that perfect love.
Found myself at 25, wondering why I keep trying to mentally find the solution to heal my abusive marriage. It all came back to my mom. I always felt if i did all the heavy lifting then she would love me. If i was perfect and saved HER first then she would love me. I find myself tussling with the same thoughts but with a man who physically harmed me. The wound is dangerous in so many ways.
Really appreciate this 🙏
This is the most profound video on healing thank you!
I was kinda lost in the beginning, but then it all made sense to me. Thank you so much . This is very helpful.
I keep watching this and re watching this. It makes so much sense
The only decent channel on youtube. I get more from you mate than I did from 20 years of therapy. Thanks
This video has been transformational for me. I come back to it over and over and it’s helping me become free…a grand goodbye to the first love of my life (my parent).
Thank you so much
I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this video was helpful for you. It’s great when others resonate with what we share. I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. You’re welcome to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2?r_done=1
I let go a little bit more of the love of my wound, thanks to your message. I appreciate the clarity push. One of my favorite points in this video is the awareness that what little me really wants is the love of big me. I think that point needs to be hammered in again and again. It's so liberating.
You have the light! Thanks for sharing
"we love the parent even if we don't love them" i felt that
Love your online community too ❤
Mind blowing that you describe it so well
To me you are heroic! Thank you for this video. Always on point. ❤
I love your videos! Deep
Thank you Alan, your work resonates so deeply. I look forward to your book.
You know what you're doing. Thank you
Thankyou for doing what you do ❤ gratitude
Thank you ❤ great content as always!
Thank you for the kind words and donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.
Thank you for giving words where I myself am not able to give words to my feelings. It makes me recognize my own struggles. Thank you so much!
Thank you ! 😊
Deep and insightful…thank you for sharing!
Thank you for the feedback and thank you for valuing my work. Glad it brings benefit.
Please share this UA-cam video on other social sites. It helps spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
Thank you!
You nailed it ! You speak it in language I can understand all that I’ve been through. Thank you Alan 🙏🏾❤️🙏🏾
I appreciate the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort to present these ideas. Glad it's helpful for you.
Please share this video by posting the link on other social sites. It will really help spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
"The wound is the place where the light enters you"
~Rumi~
Thank you for this great video 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you Alan, this is really helpful
You're welcome, glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort.
You may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you, as always. Your videos speak loudly and clearly to me. I find them deeply helpful in my own healing journey. Thank you for your carefully chosen words.
Thank you ❤
Thankyou thankyou thankyou! 🙏🏻
You paint a picture with the way you express things that is clear and nuanced. I feel and know of what you are speaking - it is something I have noticed in myself and with my partner in our relating. So, I am keen to go on this journey with you - have also shared with my husband ✨☺️
Excited to hear about a book too. All the best for 2024!
❤ he's helped me the most
I was not convinced this was a video for me.. at 21.41 I/you changed my mind 😅 thank you
Blessings on your book 📕 endeavor! I’ll look forward to purchasing it! Thank you 🙏🏾 Alan
I appreciate the support and thank you for the kind, encouraging words.
omg yes 🙌🏼 hope your new book 📖 comes with more ease 🎉
I love you and your work. I hope one day I would be able to take the therapeutic process with you 🙏 Thank for this information that helps for our reflection and first awareness.
Thanks so much, Alan. I did end the relationship with my mum, due to the only relationship on offer from her was through that shame. I was being actively encouraged to feel shame so she was comfortable in the relationship. I couldn’t do it anymore. She was physically and emotionally abusive towards me and my sibling. She eventually left the family home without telling us where she went. Years later I wanted to give it another try and tried for years. I felt held in the shame in order to be around her. I e now cut ties, let go of hope, let go of the fairytale type idea of her being anything other than who she is. Now there’s grief and I still haven’t shaken the shame of not being enough to love. Your explanations are part of me moving forward. Thank you, as ever,
Could you talk about limerence in a future video please. I’d love to get your take on it!
As you talk about this especially that bit about a parent engaging the child and being able to care for their emotional self, I noticed just how many avenues they could have approached that conversation from and all it would have taken is just getting over themselves so that their own needs don't overshadow those of their kids which is what ended up happening. Now not only are they catering to their own needs and wounds, they sign up their respective partners and children, now everyone Is catering to the wounds of the parents, children are essentially left to emotionally care for themselves. Healing from Emotional neglect is very painful, it's opening yourself up to layers of unacknowledged hurt, disappointment, grief, loss etc that went on for years and formed the blueprint of how you see yourself and what you're willing to put up with. Healing means starting to see yourself as worthy of having these things catered to Firsr by yourself, you have to accept your needs and cater to them, then be bold enough to ask for others to meet them and feel deserving enough to have them met.
Profound!!
I wished i could find a therapist like you.❤
I needed this. Looking forward your upcoming book and empathize with how many layers there would be to articulate. You’re awesome with words though and really explaining the experience well.
I come here to be seen
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing the content is helpful and thanks for the encouraging words -- working on the book.
Very interesting angle to this topic of walking through the 'indiviual' personal story in the present moment. Appreciate the level of detail to explain a complex topic.
Can’t wait for the book ❤❤
Thanks.
Thanks
Thanks!
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.
Interesting that as I am listening to this"Sri Argala Stotram l/ Show Me Love" starts playing on Radio Paradise 😇
A Hindu chant to invite in truly knowing what love is 🙏🏻
I always find your videos so insightful and so interesting.
I know exactly what you're getting at regarding the difference between knowledge/information/bullet points, etc...and lived experience/process/intra and interpersonal exchange.
Now that you're pointing it out, I'm recognizing (I think) that our culture seems to be slowly edging out time and opportunities for the latter...turning many of us into something like "brains with legs". which then tends to make me want to retreat more and more because I can feel the need for balance...and feel, somehow, retreating is the only way to escape a sense of "pressure" to be constantly productive and/or "useful"...and logical...and not to "waste" a moment, etc.......but of course retreating doesn't help with the need for interpersonal exchange. Kind of a catch 22. I wonder if a lot of this trend of humans becoming more and more like "brains with legs" is a far bigger problem than just "not recognizing" the need to actually "live" one's life...There seems to be less and less of the "type" of human exchange necessary available to us, that we would really thrive on.
When I was a kid...(before cell phones and social media)...there were so many ways to just naturally connect, face to face with people in random unplanned ways. There was room for the "the delightfully unexpected" to occur...and it did...regularly. Life unfolded "organically" (I usually hate that word, but it seems appropriate here) I have a feeling this is where the "juice" of life resides...but maybe it was just so much a part of normal life that we hardly recognized the value in it, if we recognized it at all...So when we moved into the age of cell phones, social media, video games, and living/interacting primarily online...we didn't have a clue what we were giving up. It wouldn't surprise me if this is one of the major causes of our ever increasing mental health issues. Humans are not evolved to live this way.
Wow, I 100% agree with everything you said. I also grew up in the 70s and early 80s before cell phones and computers. And they are useful to us, I do feel like the lack of human interaction is contributing to problems and mental health. And these problems are not like the big diagnosable problems. It’s just more like where we’ve gotten used to living without much human contact. And that’s not good.
Let’s be honest most “wellness coaches” and similar people are looking for a way to make money from the comfort of their home with minimal investment into their own training or knowledge (not all but many) And them some people say that “therapy doesn’t work” when they don’t work with a qualified professional 😟
The “savior” aspect of expectations in romantic relationships is largely rooted in modern culture where the prince saves the princess etc and this archetype permeates literature, romcom - everything will be fine once right person shows up which is completely unrealistic 😢 loved the video, thanks for sharing
Floating shame? That's what scapegoats are for!
I'm thinking I can't see any partner clearly can't see THEIR side where they are coming from how they are feeling understand them properly because my father "wond" of neglect abandonment and rejection is always in the way. I think it's also distorting my ability to know what I really actually want and need in relationship. Can you do more on this and how to get it out of the way in healthy way? Please.
If I have to grieve that I won’t find anyone but myself that will love me like a parent. What does a love without a parent looks like? How does it feel like ?
If I'm not the product of the wound if it's not my identity who am I? Its like saying all my life I'm a veteran of a war and now I'm not.....
How did you know? 😅
It's easier to change shame. At least for me was to accept what was without the child's view of anything changing.
This was confusing until the 10:30 mark.
I hate the wound!!!
❤❤❤
May God bless you and your work.
Uncanny timing, mate. I've kinda clicked on this in the last week or so that the way to kinda heal/release resentment is to give what was always missing to ourselves instead of chasing it from the source of the pain. It's like filling a hole in the yard with water, sure the hole is technically full but come the morning, it's empty again. If anything, the hole gets bigger over time. There comes a time where we have to look at the yard and realise what we're doing by filling the hole with external material isn't working.
Makes sense. Can you do a video of sexual abuse done to a child by a parent.
😶🌫️
What are you talking about???? Bring this to normal understanding. Thank you. It's hard to pay attention
I've watched a couple of your videos and it could be that you are just not the educator for me but you come across as quite pompous and preachy at times. I feel like I'm being lectured by a disapproving teacher.
Thank you ❤
Thanks!
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.
Thanks
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.