Childhood Emotional Neglect: As Adults, We Ignore Red Flags, Deny Reality, Tolerate Unavailability
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
- Childhood Emotional Neglect: As Adults, We Ignore Red Flags, Deny Reality, Tolerate Unavailability
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
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I greatly appreciate this video. I just went through a horrible breakup on Friday, and I've felt blindsided and devastated. However, after taking time to reflect on the relationship, I realized that I was constantly minimizing the red flags my ex displayed and constantly trying to suppress my reasonable needs to try to make him happy. I am starting to realize that I have a pattern of people pleasing, accepting breadcrumbs, and having a scarcity mindset that stems from a childhood with neglectful parents. I thought I was healed, but this breakup has caused me to realize that I still have work to do because I tolerated being unhappy and disrespected with the hope of receiving love in return. I need to stop this behavior. So, your videos are very helpful because I am trying to understand how I came to be this way and learn how to stop falling into this toxic relationship pattern. Thank you for sharing your wisdom so generously! 🙏
I appreciate the meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. Thank you for valuing my work and glad it is helpful and offers value.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
I could have written that myself 😢
Me too 😢❤
Me too.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤ Brene Brown shared with the world "Vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage"
I’m finally dating someone who is “showing up” in a big way. It’s like night and day from anything I have experienced before. ❤️
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable, neglectful, and narcissistic mother and an enabling father was the perfect storm for the chaotic world in my head and body. This video helped take a hard, painful look at myself and how I developed false narratives in order to survive the madness I lived through and learning to accept the harshness of it with grace. I was a kid and in alot of ways I still am but I am a better parent to myself than mine ever were, plus I am learning to forgive myself for staying so long. I have forgiven my dad and I am still hurting from my mom's abuse (she was my primary abuser).
Thank you for making these videos, they bring a necessary light to the darkness of abuse and neglect.
Thank you for sharing this video was helpful and thank you for sharing your experience.
Same here..don't give up & keep going🙏❤️
Thank you for taking your time to make this video - I grew up in a emotionally neglectful family - and this video has helped me understand the wound - that I’m not worth knowing’ that I carry , this video has helped me immensely to just ‘get what the hell is going on!
“Addiction is the other person” that is so profound. I just ended a short turbulent relationship with a guy who,I’m fairly certain is an alcoholic, sex addict, suffers from childhood abandonment, just on and on…me being me and being a child of an alcoholic, I see this as a challenge to get this man to love me, to need me, to want me. The slightest disinterest from him sent me spiraling into absolute devastation. Make this make sense!!
Glad this video spoke to you and glad it sparked reflection. Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate.
I have had years of therapy focusing on healing childhood trauma and now managing CPTSD in my adult life. As you very well know, it’s a journey. I love your content as you reinforce things I have learned and you deliver a new perspective too. I feel hydrated after each one! Amazing! Thank you. I have shared your content with my family and close friends that are interested in healing and growing.
That's great to hear that this content has been helpful and hydrating for you. Yes, it is a journey and I'm glad you are focused and invested in learning about healing. I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships, if you haven't already heard about it. We learn a lot from each other because of how much we can relate. I appreciate your feedback and thank you for sharing the videos. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Yes! ALL OF THIS applies to me. THANK YOU Alan. This sad and painful to hear but my parents have now died and I'll never give up but I'm never going to exhaust myself again with trying to connect with people who can't or won't reciprocate.
The most difficult part of having a "not there" parent, is when the parent is convinced that theyre right for it. Like if there had been any sense of humility, of "addressing it under the radar" where treatment might be better for awhile to "apologize," perhaps my sense of self would not have been quite so damaged. The maintenance of the attitude and environment that the adult is always right no matter what, was very confusing for me. I didn't understand how it was possible that I was trying so hard and I was still somehow the one that had done wrong or messed up.
My siblings bought into my mom's narrative, that i was unhinged and reacting to nothing, that my anger was the problem and not the chronic bulldozing of my reality. I didnt know why my siblings didnt talk to me, i didnt see how my mom had "managed" the other family members. The whole thing is so gross.
But it could easily be done by an unaware parent, who is overwhelmed and just trying to put food on the table. When i became a mom, i learned a lot of what had been missed, with me. I learned how tragically easy it is, to mess up your whole kid's life. My husband didnt believe me about how easy that really is, he exposed our son to domestic violence, and so now i have an ex husband.
I also learned how easy it is to admit mistakes with my small child, who views me as some sort of omnipotent goddess and food preparer. Kids want to love and be loved. They want to understand. They want to forgive. Acknowledging their pain and our own mistakes is a bare minimum we can do as parents, to help our kids learn to care about how they feel. My mom prioritized her immediate comfort over my emotional well being, and i spent decades dating men who never really cherished me, who had no intention of ever supporting my wellbeing. Who also viewed my emotions as a burden. I never learned to prioritize how i feel, because no grown up ever asked. Now i know to measure relationships based on how i feel around the other, not based on my love for the other.
I was always made to feel wrong by my mom, so when my romantic interests did that, when they manipulated and blamed me or shamed me, i didnt think there was anything abnormal about it.
Thank you for the thoughtful and meaningful comment. I hear you about the "there-not-there" dynamics. Many of us can relate and it's so important to be talking about this.
Please share this video with others. It's really helpful to spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
I didnt realize i was in emotionally neglected relationships in my family until very late in life ( in my 60s). I thought this eas the way it was. Yet i was always seeking more emotional connection, but didnt know how to do it. My marriage failed because i chose an emotionally unavailable person. I created my own reality of my family being so wonderful when it was actually very superficial and unsatisfying.
When i found your your videos about 4 years ago i went through a long period of grieving and coming into reality. I can now accept my family relationships for what they are i have been able to establish and engage in healthy emotional exchange.
I found it interesting in what you said that some people are completely satisfied going through life without emotionally connecting. But it is true. So i stop beating my head against the wall with people who do not want this.
Im so grateful for what i have learned from you Alan Robarge. I love you. You saved my life.
My favorite video of your is the one about "Colluding with yourself....."
I have stopped accepting crumbs in relationships.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 😘
To clarify.....
I can now accept my family relationships for what they are.
I can now engage in emotionally satisfying relationships outside of my family. I find the emotional connection with others outside my family. It takes time, and some effort.
Thank you for the thoughtful and meaningful comments and I appreciate the kind words. Glad to hear my work has been for you.
This is me. I was the family entertainer and voted class clown in jr high school. Thank you Alan for all of your videos, I watch them several times a week. ❤
I appreciate your existence and what you bring to the world. I think that sums it up.
Well Said 🎉❤🎉😊🙌🙌🙌
totally agreed. this man is a gem and helping so many of us lost souls 🧡
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. I'm glad it brings benefit.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
When does neglect or just plain total abandonment become murderous hatred of the child or insane level victim blaming
Wonderful content, really appreciate your work. I’m out of a neglectful relationship after 18 yrs..better late than never! Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my work. And I hear you, many of us can relate.
Please share this UA-cam video by posting the link on other social sites. It really helps spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help and I appreciate the feedback.
Maybe we don’t figure it out til after….. 30 years!😢
I knew something was missing but both of us were emotionally unavailable and deep in our shame and unspoken needs never being met. So demoralizing and sometimes feels like a waste of a life- mine. God I am so sad but need to lean in and listen. Whenever I step up to get help I run and hide because it all feels so impossible. It always feels like you’re talking directly to me personally. This whole video is my life now I’m ruining my makeup for the day 😅 so want to shut this down cuz I have to go to work. 🙄
You are a lifesaver.
Thank you.
Hi Alan- great video. You just described my marriage and my life! So much work- Can you talk about how to meet your own attachment needs? I liked a something in a recent video where you said that maybe seeking a romantic relationship as a means to solve/heal attachment wounds is not always (never?) a good strategy. It helped me put down the romantic fantasy but….then what?? Thanks- you’re great!
Maybe focus on relationships outside of romantic ones. Friendships, neighbours, other family etc… ❤
Glad this video spoke to you and glad it sparked reflection. Thank you for the question. It's challenging to answer with only one response because there are many aspects we would need to consider from personal experience and history.
I know when attachment needs and attachment wounds were mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The discussion was similar to your comment. Learn more about the Community by taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for this amazing insight!! At 52 yrs my eyes are finally opened. I always thought something is wrong with me and constantly put other ppls feelings above mine. I have toletated emotional abuse and disrespect. No more victim mentality. #Finally Free❤❤🎉🥳
I grew up Catholic and thought 💭 with all this giving, it will come back to me! 😢😢😢
I hear you and so many of us can relate.
In my childhood I felt I was invisible:(
My parents were so passive. Now with my own kids I feel I am in autopilot and passive the same way my parents were. I challenge myself daily to be more active and present ❤
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate.
Please share the link to this UA-cam video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
If my mom had at least been open, had not been so defensive or tried to bulldoze my reality, my life would have been very different. We don't have to be perfect for our kids! I know that can be my temptation. We have to focus on being available.
Always on point! Thank you once again Alan. So good to understand on a deeper level through you. 🙏 Hoping you realise how incredibly helpful you have been over the years! We cherish you! 🥰
this was such a helpful video. I grew up an only child of a mother who escaped horrific childhood abuse. I always felt the weight of her mental illnesses and never felt like there was any space for my own emotions growing up. As an adult I am a top level people pleaser and have been working to become aware of these patterns
Glad this video sparked reflection. Thank you for sharing the video is helpful and thank you for sharing your experience.
if you are interested in engaging, reach out. I am suffering chronic pain from this. It’s very hard to explain this to people.
@aliciacoleman7519 You carried a weight that should not be placed on a child. Unfortunately, it happens. Many people for numerous reasons should not have children. Someone like your mom is one of those people. She needed help learning to cope so that she could be totally available for you, not the other way around. A child in the process of becoming, of developing her own distinct self is robbed of that very opportunity when her parent's needs usurp hers. Such a child is only a child in chronological terms. Her childhood time for growing, discovering, exploring and developing her own being was stolen. She is not herself. She is her mother. She is living her mother's life. It is a sick, sick thing to be the repository of someone else's pain, fears, beliefs, mistakes, etc. How does one exorcize this mother living in them? Are our views and responses to life ours or hers?
@@nancybartley4610 yes my mother definitely suffered mental illness, and my dad was a cheating alcoholic. I have been cursed with toxic empathy and became a psychiatric RN
@@nancybartley4610 it is a baffling question
Thank you Alan. 38:55 Your videos have helped me greatly - to understand and continue to process my life experiences. This is a great video imo. Good to hear your compassion for parents living with depression and other difficult conditions. ❤
Someone being there/not there is very painful stuff.
It's great to practice mirroring in daily encounters, it does indeed brim with Life!
Great to hear the videos have been so helpful for you and thank you for the kind response. I agree, it's great to keep practicing meaningful connection.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
I feel so sad because I am only realizing things like this at almost 39.. it feels like I am running out of time to find a healthy relationship and it’s only downhill from here 😔
Growing up in emotionally neglectful environments actually gives you a scarcity mindset regarding love and connection, because it was so rare growing up, you think it is rare by default.
In reality, healthy love happens all the time, you have plenty of time and there are plenty of wonderful potential partners out there :) you've got this
How about at 67? That's what I'm doing! I pray you will get this healing now at 39 so you'll have a much more peaceful, fulfilling life.
@@chocobere never seen it that way.. thank you so much 🩷
@@christinedriscoll6425 thank you so much, that’s very kind of you and I wish the same for you. I have a hard time with social conditioning, I‘m single, scared that I’ll be alone forever but also glad that I have time to heal. I just wonder sometimes how my life would’ve looked liked if I hadn’t been such a doormat you know….
I hear you. Imagine I’m 49 and just figuring it out. 😢
#EmotionallyHydrated 🎉
So well describes my relationship with my emotionally unavailable dismissive avoidant husband. Who I connected to due to being used to my narcissistic and emotionally unavailable parents and brother. I so remember trying to talk at’ my mother in particular as that was the best I could get from either parent. And I spent many many hours for years ‘talking at’ my husband, pretending it was a two way conversation. His only expectation after (half listening and adding very little to the ‘conversation’) was that he’d be entitled to sex that night and if he didn’t get it he would get angry and sulk the next day for days sometimes. This dynamic killed our sex life and now I no longer bother trying to ‘talk at’ him. It is a pretty loveless relationship and its taking a big toll on my health. I also recognise the ‘expressive hand gestures’ to try to get my mother and husbands attention. I also find myself doing a lot of repetition of things I’ve said as I’m not sure if they have understood what I said the first time due to the lack of any feedback.
Thanks Alan, I feel your work is so important, you explain things so well and with a lot of empathy, happy to continue to support you.
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.
Do you have videos to explain how to work towards identifying and healing these childhood trauma responses???
You described me exactly. I used to say that my family was so close, but we really weren't. Im the baby of the family, so im the "funny" one.
I just ended a 3 year fantasy relationship-existing on crumbs, convincing myself it was a feast. I cant help fearing its too late for me at age 59.
Thank you for these videos-just knowing im not the only one who feels this way😢
If only you knew how many of us can relate with being stuck in a relationship existing on crumbs. It can be helpful to know that we aren't as alone as we may initially think. You might have heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thanks for sharing this content connected for you. I often speak from personal experience and from connecting with others. We learn so much from each other.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I was ashamed to be alive,,suicidality was a constant companion until very recent,,
Wow thank you Alan, especially for explaining that the shame I've been feeling since childhood was actually not mine.
There was alcohol and pot addiction in my father, who needed to numb his own anxiety, didn't connect with me or my siblings, and must have been feeling ashamed of it all.
He shamed me in return (criticizing my looks, mocking my voice, belittling my intelligence, talents and interests).
The feelings of inadequacy and never being enough are a direct consequence of that internalized family shame.
It's liberating to hear it voiced by a health professional such as you, and it explains so much about my experience, the "trying too hard to be interesting/funny, getting involved with avoidant partners, one-sided friendships, giving everything to the wrong people, then being angry and resentful that none of this works in the end.
I relate to everything this video talks about.
I admire the way you word subtleties such as these in a way that just clicks in my brain in a big "omg THAT'S what was going on" moment.
I'm 35 now and healing.
Please keep making these videos :)
Excellent content as always!!! Thank you Alan!
I really appreciate you and your videos, thank you so much, Alan! For giving prescious insight and doing it your way! ❤️
Beautiful information! Thank you for your dedication to this complex subject ❤ I feel validated by your message and this means a great deal.
Wow…. Thank you this is great insight. I have always filled in the awkward silence with co workers due to the childhood neglect/silence. Never connected the two. I was the family clown to ignore the crazy drama and anger at home. My denial of dysfunction due to embarrassment of my family dysfunction for 52 yrs is surfacing now as deep sadness as I watch my parents age with dementia and their neediness. I am resentful now because it has always been about them and I need skills to cope….
This is such a spot on video. I struggle with my relationship with people and with God. I can hardly understand that people allow themselves to behave this way. There's so many of us out here that just want to be loving to one another. That's why I spend time with animals because they are not pretentious. Thank you for making this video. ❤️🩹
I was with a married man who was totally there. The most attentive affectionate man ive ever been with BUT married and would cut me off every 3 weeks when he went to see his wife. And ultimately loved his wife more apparently. Is that the same thing? As unavailable? Or is that another dynamic
Do you have any videos that go deeper into the choice of staying in a relationship that is not meeting one’s needs?
Thank you for shedding light on these dynamics that are so hard to identify.
This video was so everything
So many things are making sense to me now about my behavior in relationships of all sorts. I appreciate you sharing this information on UA-cam where I could access it and get closer to being healthier and happier.❤
Thank you for sharing my work brought you some clarity. I appreciate the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort.
Since this content is helpful you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You’re better than an in person therapist
I’m grieving more so after watching this video. What I grieve today is that I believed that I was truly connecting with someone, and now I’m riddled with self doubt. Moving forward, how do I know if a connection is real or imagined? Thank you for the video, Alan.
Thank you for reflecting. I hear you, many of us can relate.
Many have asked a similar question and it's challenging to answer with one response. I know when this came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I feel like ive looked my whole life for someone who as interested in me, as i am in them. I was very saddened to learn that other people will lead us to believe what we want to believe, just for some perks. Some people spend their whole lives denying reality.
Many of us can relate and I'm glad this video resonated for you. Thanks for reflecting and for sharing your experience.
"its all workable"
Thanks
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful.
I’ve done this with spending money on partners, doting on them, anticipating their needs and ending up feeling taken advantage of and resentful.
Many of us can relate and have also been there.
Ah... this makes me sad
Thank you so much for this video. I sense it will be helpful for me to watch multiple times.
I'm so glad it was helpful for you. Thanks for the feedback. It's validating when others connect with what we share. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I love the "playing ball" picture. Thank you for that. I've only watched three of your videos so far, but you've already given me so much. Thank you - your videos are a treasure.
Thank you so much for this excellent interpretation of my childhood. Having words put to what I experienced is painful but so helpful.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing this video speaks to you. Glad my work brings you benefit.
Thank you for sharing these enlightening facts and your kindness, empathy and compassion for those who have experienced attachment trauma. Proximal abandonment and lack of emotional attunement from our caregivers/parents can make us feel unworthy of love, develop low self-esteem and form an insecure attachment style, either anxious or fearful avoidant (disorganized). As adults, when we know our own worth and develop healthy self-esteem, we no longer place our worth on the person who doesn't see us or rejects us. It's a liberating and empowering experience.
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my work. Glad this video sparked reflection for you about self-esteem.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you for your reply. I will certainly share this video via other platforms. Wishing you happy holidays and a peaceful new year 🎄
Alan, thank you so much for this video, and acknowledging the crushing pain of parental attachment trauma. I thought I was over it at 51, but the shame/anger/resentment is all welling up again over the past few years. I really have fallen into a deep depression, and need help. If there is anyone on your site would like to talk about it I could really use some support.
Please talk.
@@nancybartley4610 i would love to after work
hi nancy, i’m off the next few days, if your available. I live in florida
I hear you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. Wishing you self-gentleness.
I wonder if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's not a therapy group. It's an educational community and it can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. To find out more about the Community take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma i have heard about the community… can you remind me how i can participate? I follow your work extensively, it resonates with me. you definitely speak my language
Alan thank you 🙏 for being I my life ❤❤❤.
I love 💕 you 😘😘😘😘. I would marry you 😂😂😂
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my work and glad it is helpful and offers value.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
You nailed it. I did it for twenty-eight years, until the other person died. It’s nice to finally understand why I would do such a thing. Shared!
ON POINT. I realised this after just couple hours since she was really interested in me, took my contact and wrote me when I got home. After couple messages she just stopped engaging the same way, when I spoke about some deeper meaning of my artistic vision that really is important to me. Then I moved away, then wrote her after a day after, following up on a date plan we were having thru text. She ignored my text, even though she was online. I went through this childhood trauma of feeling abandoned and like something is wrong with me. I made an attempt to communicate like an adult, sharing what I'd experienced that night. To almost 5 minutes of my monologue she just answered with "okay, nothing should be forced". It just showed me that she is completely shut of from her emotions, I felt like I was talking to an empty NPC shell. Horryfying. I offered her help but she doesn't seem to care, as well as she doesn't care to tell me wtf is going on with her, I feel like this person doesn't have any inner life at all. Thank you for the video Alan 💛⭐
Thank you so much. Shed many tears throughout this one. Your content is so valuable. I deeply appreciate you.
Wow Alan your Videos such a wisdom. Very helpful understand. one sentence really deeply touched my heart and gave me awake thought . .... ,, checking in with your self how am I ,,☝️
for many years I made my self to busy with my passions , hobbies to check in with my self my need haven't been met than I thought o well you can't have everything be happy from what you have my passions making me happy lets escape to more hobbies Im fine . I was 13 years with man who had often not sometimes dismissive avoidance attachment style response in our dinamic no intimacy connection but I thought Im fine he has good heart and I had this list other good side of him . After I realized Im so lonely and tired of beg for intimacy. Something is wrong . Than after I attracted another not available full fear partner who on the beginning shortly show up with open for Intimacy exchange and than get hot and cold response than I saw o ! shit ! No im not Fine anymore I never was . Anxiety panic atacks after push pull hot cold dinamic .
Than now im 43 😅 finnaly I learn trough pain how to check in . Better now than never yes 😊 well done me 😁 And your videos Alan are like healing balm for my wounds . I have secure attachment style but I made many mistakes to stay to long in wrong relationships now I learning what is mean love your self , check in . 😊 ❤ Thank you 🙏
What is the psychology of people who dont value or need emotional ebgagement and knowing? Why is that ok for some people? Thank you! This is so excellent.. and so spot on of my experience.
Thanks for taking the time to share this information. Taking responsibility for loving myself and honoring my needs for connection is what I’m working on. It is not easy! I’m hopeful that I will meet mire people who are interested in reciprocal relationships…one thing I come up against is feeling like I’m keeping score too much these days, as I try to be realistic about the kind of investment the other person is making…
Thank you for your/this medicine ❣️
I'm so grateful to have found your videos. They have been an enormous sense of help for me.❤
Thank you! 🥺❤️
Thank you for the kind donation. I'm glad you connected with this video.
Love these videos.
Thank you.
Brilliant alan
Thank you.
Thank you for voicing this. I feel this so much. Thank you for confirming that only the desinterested people around us can cause very deep traumas.
Glad this resonates.
I am only now realizing that there are attachment disorders....growing up with Family secrets, shame, fear, rejection is awful.
I cant believe there is help.... i relate to sooooooo much in this video. Thank you. Weeping but with hope
Thank you for sharing this video was moving for you and that it sparked insight. So many of us can relate with these realizations. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thanks again for the comment.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I definitely experienced neglect, my dad is an alcoholic and he would shut himself in his room most days/nights. I have few memories of everyday life with him in it, besides him coming home drunk from work and picking fights with me.
But my mom was there and she was overly-involved/enmeshed.
So maybe that’s why I differ from this, because my partners have never been unavailable, they’ve just been abusive/controlling/or just emotionally immature.
The pattern is they’re obsessed with me, things move really fast, they want to be together all the time, the relationship isolates me, I feel trapped & unhappy, I try to express that and it’s met with anger/fighting, I give up expressing my needs, the toxicity grows, I look for an escape, I leave, repeat.
😔 currently trying to break that pattern but I found myself in one of those relationships again.
I can tell this video sparked reflection for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. It's so important to keep talking about this.
Thankyou
You're welcome.
Fabulous video! Can’t wait to finish listening to it. Very helpful. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind comment. Glad my work brings you benefit.
I love sharing your videos among my recovery community. Ty for sharing your work on this platform
Thank you for helping spread the word and I'm glad to hear my work is helpful. If you haven't already heard about it, you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Very important video. I can relate, sadly. Thank you Alan. I really appreciate what you do.
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my effort.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It's really helpful to spread the word on these topics. Thank you.
My parents divorced when I was 12. My mom was depressed. Lost of her being taken care of dream 💭.
She was addicted to food.
I convinced myself our relationship wasn’t one sided 😢
Thank you for reflecting. Many of us can relate with these dynamics. So important to keep talking about this.
Married for 40 years before I faced what was happening. This video is so eye opening. I left the relationship 2 years ago- so hard but it was necessary. I felt like I was being mined emotionally. I simply ran out of gas- he was destroying my sense of self. Now that I am gone he says I am ruining his life. Before I left I was ruining his life. Why did I stay with this man for 40 years? Being alone is ok- everyone needs to take care of themselves first.
I hear you. Thank you for sharing your experience.
This is so relatable to my soon to be ex husband. We have over 2 decades of this dynamic and a 23 year old daughter who he could not and still cannot emotionally connect with. Very superficial connection for so many years. Very heartbreaking.
I hear you. Thank you for reflecting and many of us can relate.
Since you connect with this video please share it on other social sites. It really helps to spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
I’m not really educated on the right words to use or the science behind mental health, but is it detrimental to our self integration if we project our anger onto emotionally unavailable “caregivers” by shaming them, rather than just processing the grief?
Does wounding others hinder our own healing?
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thank you for the question. I would say there are many parts to that question and why we would need many conversations. And many of us can relate with what you shared. I know there different ways to grieve.
Exactly, what I go through...over and over. Currently I'm with a man addicted to weed.....this is his priority and it hurts so bad. I feel lonely and rejected half the time.. I'm confused a lot.. all his motivation is about weed. If I leave him alone and accept it, he's completely happy.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Im curious What’s beneath the weed need? I’ve struggled w this for a long time myself and know that I use it to bridge the disconnect and loneliness inside. I quit for long periods until Im in a relationship that triggers it
@ViagensGringa I'm not sure other than wanting an escape to quiet the noise from past family, relationship trauma and bad choices. He used to be an alcoholic so I think it has replaced this addiction.
I suffer chronic grief and I’ve been single for six years.
I hear you. Many of us can relate.
The best teacher out there
❤❤❤ trabajando para lograr la hidratación emocional! 🎉
Great to hear that. Glad you value achieving emotional hydration. Thank you for the comment and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
This was SO helpful! Thank you!!!
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome. You may also like to take the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I definitely relate to operating heavily in a fantasy land. As a parent of young kids I can empathize with being overwhelmed, but really deprioritizing something so important to a child that you know in your core they need there's no excuse important enough to justify not giving that to them. That means for my mom and dad there was no excuse either.
They were conscious of it but they chose to have too many kids... Chose to be too busy for us... Chose to white knuckle it through and not take care of thier own needs.
I hear you. Many of us can relate growing up with these dynamics. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma I appreciate you and your videos so much.
I remember a few vivid memories of my childhood. Most negative experiences with my Mother. In this case she told me no one wanted to see me be upset or cry and banished me to my room if I did. So when I was hurt / upset she walled me off. Later she would claim that she was being a good parent trying to toughen me up so I wouldnt be a Moma's boy. I think Id rather of been a Momma's boy.I remember the 'how did school go' question was just reflex.
Mom would interrupt to talk about her day or do something else while 'still listening'. A few hours later she wouldnt remember what I said. I was physically assaulted at school repeated. Heck in Junior High it was every day. She didnt want to know. Shed gat mad if I turned to her demanding me to tell her what she was supposed to do and telling me to go to my room.
Thank you for sharing your experience. This sounds painful.
Thanks!
This is so good. Thank you!!
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this video with others to help spread the word about this topic.
Truly brilliant assessment and conveyance of what is going on in many sad and unsatisfying relationships. Your ability to articulate is indeed a special gift. Thank you
I appreciate the kind comment. It is so important to keep talking about relationships. Thank you for valuing my effort.
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powerful stuff
Thank you.
¡Gracias!
Thank you for the kind donation. I appreciate your support. Glad the videos are helpful.
I had shame - hidden anger 😡 AND forgiveness too. Kinda a bi Polarness.
Thanks for the comment. Many of us can relate.
Thank you. We can fly…. 🦋🫶🌟
26:38 -26:44 me: begins to suspiciously squint eyes while slowly turning my head around until my eyes are met with the back of my boyfriend's head as he lays next to me fast asleep.
I was holding my breath praying you were going to say we don't figure things out until 6 years ........whew..
Lmfao I'm dying with your reenactment of the person who keeps trying to initiate change in the relationship....and brings up the ball metaphor.....like : you see there's this ball and we-
Meanwhile parents there like. -_-
Lol thank you for posting videos again Alan .....much needed ...thank you thank you.....