Love Bombing Ourselves by Rushing Intimacy and Creating Instant Relationships / Attachment Trauma
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- Опубліковано 27 гру 2023
- Love Bombing Ourselves by Rushing Intimacy and Creating Instant Relationships / Attachment Trauma
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
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This man monologues the truth
Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my work.
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This is such an accurate description of the behaviour I see in myself, and you have managed to describe it in a warm and compassionate way that didn't make me feel rubbish. Thank you Alan
Thank you for sharing this video really resonated for you and thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings value.
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Love bombing ourselves is a very insightful way to put it. It also resonated with me when you said the reason we rush into things and sort of play pretend at love early on is because subconsciously we don't feel we're deserving of love, so we want to get it while we can. Every now and then when dating I say to myself "What's the rush? Why the anxiety? Be yourself and if it's meant to be, it will be." But I have to really remain self-aware and continually tell myself that or my feelings will run away with me. Eventually I hope it will be internalized and come naturally. I think your way of putting it will help me get there.
This experience triggered every wound I have hidden. it really caused me to look at myself I was attached to someone I didn’t really know but yet convincing myself I loved the person convincing myself that I want to be with them but deep down knowing that’s not true. All of this triggered me to go through a spiritual awakening because the experience was so awful and painful. But experiencing this caused me to grow and change in ways I thought I could have never done. But the way you laid it out word by word is exactly what happened it’s sad we sometimes experience this but this isn’t love it’s pain. It’s you wanting the person to fill a void because you both are empty and just think that person can give you something. It sets up a relationship filled with pity, shame, guilt and people pleasing and making yourself small for the other person. It sets up an unhealthy attachment which leaves no room for love to the other person. We need to heal our inner wounds so we don’t go through these painful experiences. And we can use discernment. But stranger is the exact word we give ourself to a stranger. We need to be wiser
Amazing comment. Describes my current situation and kind of comforting to know that other people have had a similar experience.
How in the world you're able to put this all into words it's simply amazing. Really hits home for me. I think it's exactly what happened on both sides of my last relationship. Of course it was unhealthy, on/off, and devastating when it broke down for the final time. Instant relationships precede chaos and deep pain.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my work. Glad it resonates.
Many of us can relate and I know when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more by taking the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
am listening to this and seeing at least 3 of my previous relationships. Helping me to see it from a new perspective of compassion, introspection and deeper understanding
Emotional connection takes time, and many of us don't have good patience to take that time and do the work.
Great insight. Thank you for the comment and glad this video sparked reflection for you.
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My husband of 20 years had an affair with a woman and after knowing her for a few weeks, decided he wanted to leave me and our 2 teenagers. It was heartbreaking, but I feel he was love bombing himself with this new relationship as he seemed to rush into it so quickly and was willing to leave his family. We had been going through a rocky patch but in hindsight and after doing some research I realise he is quite narcissistic and was in need of constant attention.
It’s crazy how it comes over you when you’re attracted and so are they. And these are the ones we are obligated to ourselves to slow it all down and maintain self.
Whew!
Many of us can relate. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.
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My biggest struggle is to go slow. I sabotage myself everytime.
I completely recognise this for myself. But after 42 years of behaving this way, doing the latter is ridiculously dysregulating. I had a relationship for a year and a half, and we were both going slow.. but it activated so much for me. I second guessed everything and I felt like I was missing out on the ‘love bomb’ I got therapy Alongside the relationship and I was very transparent. I was being a ‘grown up! ☺️’ I just found it really hard to get to grips with my dysregulation, and then the intrusive thoughts! That was the intense part! Anyway sadly the relationship ended and they were straight into another relationship which made me question their sincerity (although not my problem) but I am worried I was gaslighting myself, as I have no real clue of what is genuine healthy love! Anyway.. I am still in therapy! Xx thank you x
We auto pilot into wanting to be loved and taken care of by a good parent-finally & forever.
🌲
Great insight. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.
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True 🥺
Even before I watch, I know this gonna 'hurt' but bring it on Alan
Thanks for the comment and thanks for valuing my work.
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Alan, as ever - SUPREMELY grateful 🙏 for your channel, wisdom and passion. This vid finds me as I slipped back into the dark waters (over the holidays) with a man I left well over 5 mths ago. 😑 B/c of your channel and other att. theory work and therapy, I was able to almost instantly recognize my trauma had seized control.
I watched ALL our old "dance moves" re- emerge as I stood witness to my deep pain-in-motion.
I was almost instantly flooded with fear and regret.
Instead of whipping myself for my indulgence - I took it as an opportunity to NOT "shame-bathe" myself (as usual) - but instead, to act with compassion and empathy to me (and him) as I fully recognize neither of us can possibly sustain "this".
As I call it "Two hurt kids hurting two hurt kids." 💔💔
Let's just be kind to ourselves when we misstep, folks... ❤
Best wishes to us all for 24.
Onwards 💪🤙🌌
Great timing bro. My crush messaged me back last night after I messaged her 2 days prior. So obviously I’m on cloud 9. This is exactly the message I needed to hear today. I’m constantly reminding myself that she’s not perfect, she’s human and so am I, and all we can say for sure we have so far is attraction. Worth pursuing, but not indicative of a soul mate.
Hey there ! Just a random feedback : why are you on cloud 9 if they waited for 2 days before answering you ? Doesn't that feel like you're really far from being prioritised and if things start like that, they won't change ?
@@MusicAddictAda well, it took me like 2-3 weeks to message her after she friended me, so I can’t really complain. I had to practice a little detachment before reaching out, so that if she rejected me, I was emotionally prepared for it and avoid spending 2-3 days in shame spiral. And yea, I’m not a priority yet because we barely know each other.
@@Cowface That sounds quite cool ! Thanks for the answer :)
@@CowfaceI’m practicing detachment skills as well and it feels sooooo freeing!
@@Aisha_babii isn’t it great? You get to just be ok no matter what happens.
I'm so glad you're back, Alan. You offer so much insight. It always feels kind of fresh and eye-opening while your main message remains the same 🙏
Thank you for the kind comment and thank you for sharing my work brings fresh ideas and insight. I appreciate you valuing my effort.
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Are people actually being authentic selves in this initial phase or are they succumbing to living in a fantasy of who they wish they were? Are they distorting not only the reality of the relationship but also of who they are as individuals?
Fantastic video, really happy that someone is bringing these topics and experiences into the greater community discourse
I appreciate the feedback. Glad you value these topics and thank you for valuing my work. Thank you for the question.
Although there isn't a simple answer these sound like helpful reflections. I'm reminded of many of us relate with living in a fantasy and/or distorting the reality. There is so much going on for us in the romantic narrative. I know when this came in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Ouch. It’s so true that it hurts. Thanks for explaining this so well. I hope that in my mid 40s I finally manage to not rush it in the future and that I stop trying so desperately to be loved (…by the wrong people).
Feeling this. I’ve played it out on so many levels. Relationships. Businesses. Omg
Thank you for your incredible insight. Nothing but TRUTH bombs in this video.
Thank you for the kind comment and for valuing my effort.
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Wow. Haven't even watched the video yet, but you didn't have to hurt me like that with that title, Alan lol. I have to prepare to watch this one. You're about to tell me all about myself.
Glad this resonates. Thanks for the comment.
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I really appreciate this aid in facing the truths about myself. It doesn't bother me if it is uncomfortable, in fact, I rather like the discomfort; it's the jolt into reality that I need. I'm hoping that "jolt" will save me time and heartache down the line. Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into this work.
Thank you for the feedback that this is a helpful jolt into reality. Glad my work brings you benefit and thank you for valuing my effort.
I remember when this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about the Community, take the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
An amazing journey into the inticacies of the early stages of the relationship! Well done Alan. There are so many levels in there.
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for the kind words.
If you like this video then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't heard about it, take the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I am definitely a fearful avoidant/disorganized probably I do not try to show signs that I like the person because usually I feel the relationship is inappropriate to have. Or I will have to push the person away because of triggering which creates another abandonment.
Whether its work, or differences in values and beliefs, those are always the guys I like.
I pursue and attach to ppl emotionally and mentally because I haven’t dated lately.
So now its transferred into more fantasy and thats how my addiction engages which is experiencing life on hard mode
& I cant even sustain the fantasy, I am push and pull…
I have similar issues. You are not alone.
Protect this man at all costs!❤
Thanks for the kind words.
Your videos helped me through my divorce 3 years ago, and this video describes my behavior this 3 years of singleness 😢
Thank you for sharing this video is helpful and glad it resonates for you. Glad my work has been beneficial for you.
Also I know when we mentioned singleness as a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more by taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Wow brilliant Alan, thank you, so insightful and uncomfortably accurate! An excellent and sobering reminder.
A little sad too though because as you say, we all just want to love and be loved.
Don’t suppose you have the way out of this in 5 easy steps?!!😅
Glad this is helpful. Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my work.
Many of us can relate with just wanting to love and be loved and thank you for the question. Although there aren't 5 easy steps, we can learn new relating skills. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Hehe ya mean my pattern? The one I keep saying I’m gonna break and then don’t?
😂
I hear you, many of us can relate.
I remember this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You may like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Fan of the word stranger! Wisdom, especially in context of potential relationships or new relationships.
Right on. Falling in love with love. Thank you.👏
Glad this video spoke to you and thank you for valuing my work.
You may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Amazing stuff Alan. This video has perfectly described my recent relationship that imploded in resentment and confusion. I had created a relationship in my mind but when the time came for emotional support it wasn't there. Was very painful but your videos have been enormously helpful. Take care my friend 🧡.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm glad the videos are helpful. I want to share you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is my favorite video, it hits me on how specific you are. It was a relavation.. Thank you, you help me a lot to understand myself and my behavour
Glad to hear this one is your favorite. Thank you for the kind words and glad my work brings you benefit.
I know when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You're wonderful. Thank you!
REALLY helpful and informative..and most of all kind.. thank you..
Enmeshment....what an excellent descriptor. Thank you for this. Spot on!
I appreciate the kind words. Glad this video offered helpful and descriptive words. Thank you for valuing my work.
Since this video connected, you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Your videos have helped me out a great deal. Thank you!
Thank you for valuing my work and glad it is helpful and offers value.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Beautifully said
Great wisdom and right on time for me to hear before a first date tonight.
Thanks! Excellent video!
Thank you for the kind donation. Glad the videos are helpful. I appreciate your support.
❤ Alan you are so amazing 😍 Thank you so much for all your work. You've helped me greatly in my life.
Now that I am back out dating I am deeply grateful for your videos
I really resonated with this particular video. I appreciated all your input. You are very good at what you do. I really do enjoy listening to your videos. You've really helped me a lot in my life and helped me see a lot
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know my work has been helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
Fantastic - explains so much. Everything is relevant, you managed to put so many experiences in such comprehensive wording!
I appreciate you seeing my effort and thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings value.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
Thanks Alan for the deep compassion, wisdom and knowledge expressed in this video. I have been in relationships exactly like this and am learning so much ❤
I appreciate the kind words and I'm glad you connected with this video. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Please also share this video with others like on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
I love how this man keeps it real. No BS platitudes or care-taking. I have listened to his "No Big Whoop" video about 50 times on my way home from work. And yes. sometimes a feel "less than" because the romantic narrative isn't playing out in my life and never really has. A guy that I had a crush on at work just married a baby, and I'm feeling like that last dried up sandwich that gets thrown out when the deli closes, or gets taken home by one of the employees to feed to the dogs. That man at work (as great as he is) represents most men in my age group. They're all looking for a baby to have in their bed. Old guys used to hit on me when I was young, but it didn't feel right to me. I couldn't do it.
Thank you so much for this amazing content ❤
Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings value.
This topic also came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Excellent video. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words. Glad this video brings you value.
You may also like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
love your videos
I love how you explained this.
Thank you for valuing my effort to offer explanation. Glad you love the video and glad my work is helpful.
If you love this content, I know we also mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more.
You never miss Alan. This has been intensely helpful to me 💖 Any time I'm experiencing attachment distress of a new kind, I come back to your channel and I always find something to bring clarity and soothe me.
Great to hear this has been so helpful for you and that work has brought you some clarity. Thank you for valuing my effort.
I know when we talked about attachment distress in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more about it by taking the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you so much!
You're welcome. Glad you like this one and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word on these topics. Thanks for your help.
Great content, really helpful to better understand all those layers of mindfuck
Thanks for the kind words and thanks for sharing my work has been helpful for you.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. Thanks for your help.
Thank you. Blessings
Bless you! This is really helpful to me. I struggle very much with this. I am learning how to do better
Glad to hear this is helpful for you and many of us can relate to struggling with this sometimes. Thank you for valuing my work.
I know when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
so appreciate your knowledge.
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work is helpful.
Please also share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
SO WISE.🙏🙏🙏
I appreciate the kind words.
Please share this video on other social sites or with others to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Amazing video thanks 🙏
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you value.
Please share this UA-cam video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Thanks Alan, will do 👍 Is there a video on how to handle those initial stages of getting to know someone, as someone with a lot of attachment injury issues, and not going down the rabbit hole of 0-100 rushing / fantasy projection / pseudo-intimacy / self love-bombing described here (very familiar for me and it’s very traumatising actually, but I feel a bit clueless how to handle to crazies when they come up?? 🤷♀️🤦♀️🤪) Thanks again ☺️ 🙏
perfect timing
Thank you. Glad this video speaks to you.
You may also like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Me turning 35 in a couple months realizing though I’ve had plenty of relationships I’ve never truly been in one. 😭
Thanks - my comment for the algorythm!
Just for YOU Clym😮
You speak the truth.
Thanks for the comment and thanks for valuing my effort.
Please share this UA-cam video by posting it on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
It happened to me .He rushed off the things with love bombing, thou decision about getting intimate was mutual .Then he freaked out and run away saying it got all too intense and since then has been cyberstalking me DAILY for about 2 years with no communication in between
Can you talk specifically about what “stages” in relationships there are especially when it’s healthy, how to slow down, how to be mindful of yourself when you mess up and act from attachment distress, and other general things about the progression of relationships from meeting to commitment 😊
Sounds like you have great clarity and direction for what you want to learn. Thank you for the question and it is challenging to answer with one response. We would need to have multiple conversations. I know when we mentioned managing attachment distress and relationship skills in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. You're invited. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Does it help to slow the relationship down? Some examples: Telling the new person how you feel if something bothers you rather than holding back. Sharing more about yourself rather than just showing them a picture perfect version of yourself.
Thanks
Thank you for the kind donation.
"Unearned closeness ". It can happen within your own gender just as quickly even though you are not gay....Be aware
I’m so thankful I found your channel. I feel like you are describing my entire life. I was sexually abused by my stepfather as a child and my household was physically and verbally violent and chaotic. I escaped through limerant relationships for 36 years of my life. I just started healing this past year
I'm glad the videos are helpful and thank you for sharing your story.
I feel so exposed. Thanks anyway😢
Glad this video resonates. Thank you for the comment.
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Could this be the logic behind trauma bonding too?
This is me totally
Glad this resonates.
That was me for 3 months its sounds funny and I feel ashamed
It was so uncomfortable listening to this. Very painful truth.
lol truth hurts. It’s painful because I’ve been through this. Ouch!
Limerence
I think you are fucking awesome!! Thank you so much! you completely have my number😂
Oh my god. Getting as much out of it as fast as possible. Thats me. Faking it, performing exaggerated intimacy. I have fone it twice since hubby died. Its scarey and pathetic how lonely i was. Falling in love with love
Immediate sexusl relating. How do i stop this nonsense!
Thank you sir. You deserve accolades. Doctors, therapists, gurus, parents friends could never help me. YOU HAVE! thank you sir.
this video highlights and prioritizes the value of Time in building relationships and allowing them to grow, but it diminishes the sprouting and early blooming phase which like a seed germinating can happen in a matter of weeks and that is perfectly natural and normal.
Take the example of a fruit tree that can grow quickly in a matter of months and weeks, but takes years before it starts to produce edible fruits. Point is it’s normal to experience the love soup of chemicals when your first meeting someone new, that’s how nature reproduces, it encourages merging with novel, new people that are different from you. If people back in the day followed your advice, they would have to wait years before they reproduced to make sure they have stable foundation before they can become mates, we would have become extinct by now as a species lol, and as much as you bring a lot of logic to your arguments. It is not actually how nature works.
There is a spark upon meeting someone new and having potential to merge with a “stranger” that encourages the continuation of life on a level that is creative and inspiring so let’s not take the joy of life out of life and put a dimmer on a very natural process that occurs . So yes fruiting takes time but germination and sprouting is almost instant in comparison and that’s exactly how it’s meant to be. Just like a pregnancy happens in an instant and set in a manner of few weeks, but it takes months to grow when enclosed in a safe environment.
Point is in my opinion, time is overrated, there are many people we could have known for decades and still know very little about them. And people whom we just met that are more of an energetic alignment than many old friends. Dating can be an enriching experience and a way to get to know someone when the stakes are high, an opportunity to step into better versions of ourselves and practice the lessons we learned putting them into action, while practicing discernment of course, call that a performance, sure why not? Have you seen birds of paradise mating rituals? that is one hell of a performance that certainly makes life worth living.
Can’t I use that addiction to love to serve a good purpose ❤? Maybe I can feel available for good things instead of unavailable men.
Maybe I can have intense love for myself instead of creating a reality that is not true.
My gosh. Is there any HOPE at all
What is a healthy pace of a new relationship when both are mutually attracted to each other?
Wow, my last relationship to a T
Many of us can relate. Glad this video connected for you.
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You talk about all these issues..but how to heal it,how to navigate the relationships the right way?!
Nothing but facts. I was completing sentences for you Alan. Ouch!
Glad my work speaks to you and thank you for valuing my effort.
I know when this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
100%
Thanks.
That's me, all the way. I wish I hadn't overridden my true self when my senses all screamed to slow down, and I wouldn't have eneded up in a relationship that is like a swiss cheese, full of holes...
Oh you wouldn't believe how many of us have been in those Swiss cheese relationships, great way to describe them. Overriding our true self and feelings is something I can see many people nodding their heads to. I remember when self-betrayal came up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be very affirming when others relate with our experience. Thank you for the insightful comment.
Then how can I be in a relationship if I don’t take some risk?
This is very interesting. It’s really a numbers game, unfortunately.
What is the probability of finding an authentic person who is will to take the ideal pace??
What is the probability of an amplified relationship that exhibits some limerence with some authenticity, working out?
🤷🏻♂️ we live in a fast paced world. Slowing down, in almost every arena of life, seems unrealistic.
I say, be mindful as possible, but take a chance. It might work out. If it doesn’t, hopefully there will be another person interested enough (outside their own fast paced life) to try again.
Glad this video was interesting and sparked reflection for you. It seems helpful to reflect on these relating ideas.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the question. This really is a bigger conversation and one response will not suffice. I remember when a similar conversation came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
That’s the part that’s missing
😢❤
💛🙏
❤
Thanks.
So now that you explained it……what can we do about it?
I think he's saying more than once but in different ways that we need to take our time getting to know the other person and try not to build them up in our heads ?
Good point!
Thank you for the question. Many have asked a similar question.
It's challenging to answer with one response because we would need to consider personal experience and history. I know when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Learn more by taking the quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
He say’ take time in getting to know one another. go slowly. Be aware of love bombing, and pseudo intimacy
Way to call me out the day after a breakup 😂
I hear you, glad this video speaks to you.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.