The Needless Person
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Who else's basic needs were treated as privileges?
@TheKrispyfort
They said I would be able to earn my freedom to have access to food or a bag to hold my food or a phone, yet meds and anything required for wellbeing was denied and not allowed by these overcontrolling assholes who worked for CPS, juvenile court and the foster industry. I never had a relationship with a narc. They forced a relationship with me after I tried to get protection orders against some nasty unempathetic women. Not one of these basic needs for survival was returned. Never been more abused in my life since 2022, like every trauma combined from many decades.I always said no & walked away from abusive jerks, yet that group who traumatized us over and over trapped us and didn't allow any freedom, not even speaking or whispering. What did you have to do to earn your right to live?
My narc mom! Things like housing, clothing, food, etc. “You should be grateful for everything I do for you!” Well yeah, but I was a kid, so….
I wasn't allowed to have a key to the house I lived in. I had already graduated with my Bachelors Degree, was 22, was working full-time, was a teetoler my whole life (no alcohol or drugs), and had lived on my own or with my ex-husband for the 4 years prior. But part of the narc parents' agreement to "take me in" after my divorce was that I never be allowed alone in their house or dare to ask for a key because "you aren't the kind of person who deserves that privelege - only we 2 are".
I'm not even allowed to shower in a temperature that is comfortable for my body. I'm 32 years old, stuck with narc parents. Sometimes, I just hope life will end quickly and painlessly. Wanting at least my death to be painless is probably what still keeps me alive.
eating. no winter coat for years.
A very sad place to be in...
causes depression, lack of joy, loss of hope and even loss of will power.
They hunt souls(mind, will, emotions). They seek to break your ability to critically think and analyze. They seek to imbalance and control your emotions. They ultimately seek to break your will so you become a slave.
Yes.
@mindfulpeace8060 and desperation and further limiting ones needs to not even want to have the will to live with no joy or love. It felt like some wanted to extinguish our needs and our lives. I never needed any manipulative abuser, yet many trapped us since 2022 with no choice to escape. They used my child as a hostage. Maybe because I rejected overcontrolling evil unwelcome people? Escaping or being free to live and enjoy life? What's that? NOT allowed according to evil toxic adults that abuse innocent victims such as solo parents with children or people with disabilities or anyone they try to isolate. They wanted us to be dependent on them for these basic needs didn't they? Then after causing depression, they would blame us for mental issues for enduring so many abusive traumatic attacks against our wills. I guess some win in driving us crazy in their efforts to prove us to be unfit mentally and unfit to live without them. Maybe they want to be needed in order to have control so as to serve their needs first.
Yup.
They take you to a place that feels so trapped. They end up showing critiquing your values, they you are over kind, over caring, over humble to others, yet, those want all of those things only shown to them and no one else. Basically be a good animal on a leash.
What happens to your needs? You stop expecting they'll be met, perceive them as selfish, and you stop voicing them.
That’s how I feel, 💯. I’ve always thought it, but it’s different when someone like you points it out. Thank you.
100%
nope, perceive them as shameful..
This. And if you dare to think for once that you deserve the slightest bit of respect, they'll do their darnest to convince you that you're a terrible person for putting yourself first
For me, I developed this ability to perceive my own needs as merely wants. Not surprisingly, one becomes physically ill after doing that for a time.
Needless people are the ones serving others, but forgetting to put themselves on the table.
Excellent description‼️
@Just_a_Nobody00: TY for for your comment. YOU are a SOMEBODY.
been there - my needs and dreams were totally lost after my divorce from my abusive ex..it took long to find real me..behind the unsure, sad, depressed me.
I read a needless person as a prideful person , one who hates ro ask for help, and will not accept help that makes them for a second look like they needed anything. Especially coming from a person they loved to tear down for years . Lol 🎉 God is the only one that can change a person.
When I saw the trial I thought she meant the narcissist.
Note to my younger self: I'm sorry I didn't speak up for you ❤
Absolutely.
Same here 😭
❤❤❤
((HUG)) Forgive yourself for what you lacked the ability to do at that time.
I see you now ❤
I get why the volcano witch thing happened quite a bit
Wow you are so tiny and powerful I love you so much
I was the “invisible child” in my family system. I’m paying a price in adulthood. Going through a lifetime of never been seeing leads to debilitating anxiety around situations in which you must make yourself seen or make even the smallest of demands.
I feel this.
I can go from mouse to mountain lion quite quickly 😂
Ahhh good on youuu
You are not alone ❤
I'm a wounded warrior, too❤❤❤
did you get married ? how does your partner or. romantic relationship treated you
Likewise. Middle child with "needy"bothers, which meant I "had to be" needless. My self-care was non-existent for most of my life. I have found a really great therapist and am slowly finding myself again. It is not easy my friends, and I wish you all good luck, great support and constant progress
The worst part is once you escape the abusive relationship and finally express a need to a friend, you realize that your friends have also become conditioned to you not voicing your needs so you literally have to end almost every single relationship. Then it’s a struggle to ask anyone moving forward, even if you don’t constantly give to others. At least that is my experience.
I know that!! My so called best friend can’t bother to ever come over.
I finally voiced that it deeply bothered me. I told her it makes me feel she doesn’t give a shit about me at all!! I was homeless for years and couldn’t have a friend come over where I was staying and when I finally got my home that’s bought and paid for I want a friend to come over.
Sadly, she’d rather let our relationship dissolve instead of now putting forth any effort. Also it always bugged me when I was homeless she never offered me to stay a single night.
I called her a #2 friend and stopped talking to her.
Sorry but you were better off homeless somewhere else. I had the same type of friend that let me move into her basement. I constantly took care of her kids and when I needed my own time back to look for a job it nearly and temporarily ended our friendship. She kicked me out and acted like I was a total lowlife, I was paying her rent and buying food. Oh well, it all worked out in the end and such.
Sat here and debated about going to a beauty salon for a month. I haven't been for 3 years and caretaking for narc Mom. She passed away 3 weeks ago, and I cannot find the words for the relief I feel. Never have to argue or be gaslit by her ever again! My son stepped up and said GO to the salon and take care of yourself for a change.
Do it! Do it and get your hair done up all pretty. You deserve it.
I say this as someone who has rarely ever taken proper care of my hair. Sure I wash it regularly, but I would go for years before having a trim because "We can't spend money on you just to get your hair cut!" So having my hair looking nice was contributing to my low self esteem.
Now for myself I use fancy shampoos and conditioner to care for my hair in between going to the salon and getting it done. Maybe get some pigment shampoo to change up the color a little bit. It's one of my self care habits, and I recommend it because it's relatively inexpensive and a good way to boost your self esteem by your hair looking decent in between salon visits.
Also I know how you feel about the narc mother passing. The relief you must feel. My incubator is too evil to die, but at some point she will and I will be just as relieved as you feel.
Hang in there, and get your hair did! Your son is right!
wonderful son, you did something right..
I was in a similar situation caring for my mom. Her death put me into an unexpected depression even though her death was a big relief. Please make an effort to treat yourself and to rest. You’re probably exhausted more than you realize. Practice putting yourself first. Your son sounds like a good person.
Yes!! Do it!
All the ❤ to you. Mine is almost 90, and has been destroying lives for longer than I have been alive. I certainly understand. Please be good to yourself. You have more than earned it.
So true, at 61 now just seeing this. Have been the needless person all my life. Trained since a baby
"trained" is the best-fitting term for childhoods such as ours.
Same here, at 62. I've also been needless since childhood, thanks to a narcissistic mother who couldn't give a damn about my needs from the time I was born until the day I went no contact with her, years ago. I was needless throughout most of my relationships as I travelled through life, including my marriage. Dr Ramani is helping me to figure it all out and move forward. I want to learn what my needs and wants are and spoil myself for the rest of my life. Trying to cull all narcissists from my life and avoid any new ones like the plague! All this information about NPD is so new to me, I'm learning so much. Wishing you all the best for the future, Catherine. Take care. 🌹🍀
Me, too....hard not be angry, now.
Same. Trying to figure out what my needs are exactly lol! Shelter, food, water….
I’m 58 and trying to navigate all this manipulative nonsense ☺️
Much love to you 🫶🏻
I was groomed as a needless child and adult by my parents. My siblings had this belief that I must continue that journey with them, however my growth of seeing through their expectations was where I found my power to walk away, while they were left with their mouths hung open in shock.
They may not be able to change who they are, but we certainly can. Taking the steps to acknowledge what they expect, is not who we deserve to be, and leaving that behind is the beginning of compassion and self worth for ourselves.
First time I realised that my needlessness and self-sufficiency were a respond to a trauma caused by a narcissistic mother. Thank you!
Every need that I had before was replaced with one great need:
I need a hug. I just need to cry on someone’s shoulder for about a week.
Yeah, me too.
I did just this.
Oh, do I hear you on this one 😢
It is all I want too: the recognition that I am hurting with the validation that my pain matters. It is such a simple, easy reaction to give someone.
Same, I just want to be seen and heard. I learned it was safer for neither as a child, before I could remember. It drove feelings of unworthiness and unloveable. I know I am but it's a constant battle sometimes. I am enough.
For me it felt like being INVISIBLE. Our society definitely incentivizes women to be this way in general.
As a BLACK WOMAN I can attest to the fact that cultures incentivize this SPECIFICALLY!😔
But ladies we are NOT inanimate objects!!!! ✊🏿✊🏽✊🏻✊
"LIVE AND LET LIVE" is a concept that a narcissist can't understand or accept.
Hey 👋🏻
Young blood. You regularly comment and although some of your comments are interesting, sometimes you say things that are a bit like soundbites or hi coups, they sound deep, but really they aren't true and don't mean much. I am afraid this is one one of the occasions which falls into the latter category "for me".
@@jameshunt6414 I could be wrong but Young blood is seemly saying to the narcissist....live your life narcissist and let others be free to live theirs.....It's not typically how we apply that slogan but it does make sense......We typically say live and let live when we want people to move forward and forget the past......In this context though, narcissists will always live life on their terms no matter who they hurt but they don't allow others to have their wants and needs met.......It's deeply hypocritical ....so in a sense they live but they don't let others live......
They tell this to the victims!!! If you put your needs they get upset and say this. If you dont do what they want you to do they say this!!
Our needs are lost somewhere between their fake love, devalue, discard and hoover. We've become less and less needy.
When i met my ex for the first time the way he treated me was so good I felt happy and I prayed it should stay that way, I'll look up and imagine us together with our children happy but at last narcissist will always be narcissist, he started telling me some weird stuff about feeling like killing me and tell me how he would do it thought he was joking cause we're very kinky lol, but it got to an extent when he wasn't satisfied with anything I do,he'll slap me time to time, I didn't even have access to my money then I started making research which I learnt about narcissist I join some pages and groups on Facebook which taught me more and I start gathering courage to stand up to him, it was hard to decide to leave him or not,but I have to put my kids first and do what's best for them, I planned on filing for divorce so I did while in court he denied all what he did and everyone saw me as the bad person, I was frustrated and on a sunny day after court I was here getting motivated not to give up then I came across a comment with a recommendation about fredmore213 so I reached out to him on instagram through this link 👉 instagram.com/fredmore213?igsh=Z2xha2locmtiem9q& with my situation I risked it and contacted him he was so genuine and generous he hacked my ex phone and got me all his social media chat, deleted and undeleted text, he even recovered his social media account, I can even access his phone from mine I went through his chat, messages and got good evidence to use in court I showed it to my lawyer he knew what to do and now I'm free from him all the sleepless night and horrifying nightmare slowly went away, I healed great now my children and we are living our life to the fullest
😢😢😢 I lived al my whole life as needless person! Realized how I made myself prey for narcissistic people 😢😢😢😢
Religious narcissists are masters at creating "Needless" people. 😥
^^^ This right here is the truth. I have only had a few relationships in my adult life, and the most depraved and exploitative was with a man who was a performative "man of God."
Political types are the same: "You'll own nothing & be happy." (Sound familiar?).
I can't have a conversation with my mother that doesn't veer into "You just need to offer yourself to god, otherwise your troubles won't be solved. You can't do it alone." Ugh.
Religious narcissists are honestly some of the most insidious kinds.
Plz give me some examples.
They disappeared. I still struggle to believe I have needs.
Recognizable. I always have the feeling that asking or expressing my needs is wrong or bad.
That's a hard one I struggled with,I do believe it starts out young before we ever knew it to put into words, you do and just don't ask!
They're hidden, feeling things meant being abused, so not expressing them helped to cope. A way to fight it is recognizing each time your resisting something emotionally and let go, but it makes emotions overwhelming sometimes.
@@mowglycdb That may explain a lot of it for sure, I had to find out what a needless person was, I find some new words in today's world that are quite interesting at my age!
I have no idea if I have needs or what they are and I’m 68 yrs old married for 50 years to what I just found out is a narcissistic husband!!!
My mother was a toxic narcissist. Every phone conversation I had with her, if anyone could call her capable of any conversation, centered around her. I also had a narc friend I dumped who was the same way. Glad my mother is dead and that I dropped the "friend." Leave these people in any way, shape, or form that you can because they never change.
I’ve been self reliant, because I’ve always felt like a bother to others.
Anytime I’ve needed something, I was made to feel like it was such an inconvenience for others in my family. Or I get raged at, while being told that I’m not thinking of the other person’s issues that they are going through.
I’ve learned to isolate myself.
Now I’m being refused weight loss surgery from the psychologist ( which I need him to approve, so my insurance can pay for my surgery ). The psychologist said that I don’t have enough support systems.
I’ve lived with narcissistic abuse sense childhood, and only broke away from my narcissistic sister a few years ago.
I live with needy people. It bothers me to a point that I choose to be self reliant individual. I have needs but I rely on myself to meet my own needs. I admit I try to set an example to them and maybe they'll do the same.
What about going to a rehabilitation type place that many hip and other type go to after surgeries? Some are also nursing homes fyi. Its an option if it means you have after care and monitoring after surgery support.
Horrifying how much I relate to this and how easily I was manipulated and abused because of it.
This is me. I do everything for myself that I possibly can, because getting help from anyone else is torture and misery. I stay alone because it's the only way I feel safe and comfortable, and I'm more the "fiercely independent" than "chill person" most of the time, but in the company of others I do tend to just go along with whatever. My mom is a childish woman who craves constant admiration and has very little empathy for me in most respects. I grew up feeling like the toy of a heedless child. Now all I want is to be alone. If I woke up and every other human and animal on the planet had vanished, I'd be happy. Because then I'd finally feel truly safe.
This is me. I have sat with myself for 15 yrs trying to find a way to incorporate more love and kindness to myself. It has cost me almost every friend and family member though I have come to understand that my predilection to dedicate myself to needy and manipulative individuals is why i walk alone.
Im content though, all the pain from abandonment and rejection almost wrecked me. But it didn't. My Lord has sustained me and I now live with joy knowing its my day, my choices that dictate my life and my stereo to crank.
Dont despair if you're living this too, keep striving to find YOUR peace, YOUR place and YOUR true self. ❤
Because I stand up and fight for others so well, I sometimes think to myself, what would I say if my sister were in this situation? You might try that. Also having spent the last year in cancer treatment, I was excused from everything. The world kept turning. I’m cancer free and have learned it’s ok to be “selfish” ( putting yourself first). Try being “selfish” for a few weeks or months. You don’t have to give excuses just say, “I’m sorry I made other plans” even if those other plans are for taking a nap.
@@lillianbarker4292I feel you on the health prison leading to freedom … but w a very diff serious illness (ME with the LESS debilitating disease MS likely added onto it pending diagnostic technicalities )
Every word of this y’all !!! 🎉
This has been me for years. I learned to be needless growing up. Then I learned to be needless in my marriages (2). I now have an autoimmune disease along with so many other health issues. What Dr. Ramani is stating is very true.
So often it's the person being labelled as the "avoidant" or "DA" in a relationship. They survived a narcissist
probably dismissive avoidant (from the attachment styles theory)
@@fj-fe7lw Thanks for explaining. Yes, that is me in my blood family and my family I worked hard on to be myself honest happy, respectful and loving. But everyone else was moving ahead and laughing at my earnest integrity.
They were right! I just did not get their whole way of being. I did not realize that most of them were as foreign to what I defined as "human" as a Martian alien.
I actually cared about and for them. That my way was amusing and stupid to them. I gave them the credit of being human.
Finally I " got it"! They were not capable of love. They were threatened by me and my gifts.I thought they were choosing to be so shallow and empty.
Then I really saw that they had no choice. They were missing something vital, and had no choice.
I had so much more than they could ever know. It still hurt like hades. But I walked away with so much more than they would ever know. Peace.
I'm doing great I left my partner 49 days ago drove 500 miles from Georgia to Virginia! Slept in my car and now I'm renting a little camper on the LAKE!! 49 DAYS!!
IF IT LACKS INTEGRITY IM OUT IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY BUT I HAVE DONE THIS WITH JOBS FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS.. I WAS SEVERELY ABUSED GASLIGHTED AND USED SHE TRIED TO TAKE MY MIND BUT I STAYED IN MY REALITY FOR 8 MONTHS ONE OF THE HARDEST RELATIONSHIPS I'VE EVER BEEN INTO THANK YOU I FOUND YOUR VIDEOS ABOUT 8 WEEKS AGO AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT GASLIGHTING WAS WE ALWAYS CALLED IT YOU'RE FULL OF S*** THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME
Nature is a great and wise healer in my experience. It would be so lovely to stroll along the lake paths and experience sunsets and sunrises. When it gets too much Nature always gives me comfort.
I'm so proud of you.
Wishing you continued happiness with your new life of freedom & peace
A camper by a lake sounds like heaven. Good for you!
No matter the problem, CAMPING is (part of) the solution. Keep on keeping on.
Dr. Ramani, you are SPOT ON in terms of who and what I had to be in my marriage. My needs didn't exist, our children's needs didn't exist. It's an exhausting and depressive experience.
So Brilliant. Once again, a societal "virtue" such as sacrifice or having no needs has been twisted, co-opted, or even created, by Narcissists to serve their selfish tendencies. The counterweight to needlessness is not to be needy. "The counterweight to needless is actually self-aware and self-compassion. No human being should ever exist solely in the service of another. All of us have a basic human right to our true selves."
All the rich and people in power are narcissists. No empathetic person would hold such power or influence over the system / economy and keep it running while thousands get kılled by climate crises, armed conflicts, and poverty. This is why the lies of meritocracy, martyrdom, and effort are so valuable in capitalism. If people learned they deserve basic human rights and dignity, that we shouldn't settle for the scraps that the big heads give us while we suffer to let them splurge, there's no way we'd stay quiet or let them run us over
I was told throughout childhood by my father that I didn't have needs or that any needs I expressed were selfish, inconvenient, didn't matter, etc. Now as an adult, I'm a "needless" person. It's difficult for me to actually recognize what my needs are outside of the clear basics (food, water, shelter). Even when I do recognize a need, I rarely assert it.
Yes. My husband is a person without needs. He does not demand anything. Keeps sacrificing. In the beginning, I was puzzled. Till I learned about narcissist in his life.
He has my sympathy
crap--you just described my dad. i had him living with me for 5 glorious years--would have loved to have had my mom, too, but she alas didn't make it. my dad had no needs. i kept asking...and i kept spoiling him rotten anyway by hinting at something he might like and then getting it for him if he showed the slightest interest. it made me sad as hell to think his family was so poor growing up that they just didn't have the resources, and then he was expected to provide without complaint for his family, but i was the first person ever to provide for him. i gave him his first easter basket--he was over 80 yrs old at the time. i used to tell him, "payback is heck" whenever i'd do something generous or loving for him. so why am i on a narcissist channel eating up every word from dr. ramani? because my sib was the family narcissist, and i grew up in an era when i was demanded to be seen and not heard, and i in particular was blamed for every ever-lovin' problem my parents or sib had. the three of us healed from it, but sib is still going strong with their marital family....
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Classic trauma bond.
Yes I stayed under the radar in child hood
I didn't. I fought hard, even through my marriage with a narc that ended after 25 yrs yet my needs were ignored. Where did I go wrong ? In staying perhaps with my family and later for my kids ?
Oh lord. This 100% used to be me before I woke up from the trance of being the needless person. You gave me goosebumps and I thank you for it, Dr. Ramani. Change is absolutely possible.
Needs just went, one by one, until I was quite robotic. Now, I’m out and in a different world.
Dr Ramani - this is me! Childhood and decades with narcissist. I was invisible. Nearly 76 and just now learning this!!!
Me 2 penny
@@plumduff3303 helpful to know we are not alone! Penny
Me too
Same
72yrs old, 51yrs married. I feel like I am fading away, having given myself away to others, bit by bit.
Powerful message. I am the needless person here. For now, that is.
Wow, yet another eye opener! Being raised by a narc mother this became a way of life. When I tore my hamstring and asked my ex spouse to rent some crutches you’d think I asked for world peace. The look of disdain was palpable. It’s all making sense, in a fuc£ed up way. 😞
I became terrified of "bothering" him. Even after having surgery, I pretended I was just fine, no need for care. He had complained about other people who were sick or had illness as so annoying!
My mum ignores her needs because to her, that's being a "good mother" or a "good partner". But she's actually very frustrated if others have needs and express them.
Same, I enjoy doing a bit of makeup/wearing nice clothes, but it annoys her a lot :( I'm sure it's some type of trauma response
My mom does that so she can be a martyr and hum and haw about how needy everyone else is.
I was recently told by somebody that I was dating briefly after we talked about some of our past relationships He said I am a very strong woman for having endured all of that.
I said to him my strength came from desperation not from a place of happiness and don't admire my strength instead I am looking for a partner to be there for me just as I am for them.
I was sick all the time, constant stomach issues from what I can only assume was severe stress. Continued into adolescence as did the abuse. Now I'm chronically fatigued, I have severe Endometriosis, pelvic pain, and a professional diagnosis of cptsd.
This is the result of childhood trauma and abuse, you get sick from the stress, your body stops working right.
😢It's really sad! I wish you could have a happier healthier life
Totally understand ….
Endometriosis in and of itself is exhausting
You just described me 😭
23 years running a 3 ring circus trying to keep him happy. Doing ALL the things. I had to just completely disconnect from my emotional side, because there was no outlet for those needs.
And it made me a shitty mom for awhile.😭
I had to do a lot of work to try and repair that.
I can do many things, I can teach my kids how to change a tire, start a fire, hunt, fish, camp, etc.
But I CANNOT be a dad. It’s impossible.
Thankfully my kids have found other male role models to meet that emotional bond that dad was supposed to fill. And I’m so grateful for those men!
I’ve had to take what I can get, as far as getting those needs met for myself.
I can so relate. I am a man though and that where I understood from Dr Ramani's valuable information that it is not gender biased. Their characters and behaviors are spot on. Also leave the disorders, giving basic respect and looking into the need of other is humanity.
Married 3yrs, her mother and she has made my life hell. I have had to forego my values and kindness in the name of "love" and being an "ideal husband". At first I thought I was wrong. But recently over the last 6 months since I started demanding the boundaries, their actual self, and their actual masked face came out.
I should add: needless people make great public school teachers, because that's what's expected. You have NO NEEDS. The children have needs. You are a machine who is there to meet their needs. If they hit you, you worry if they hurt their hand. (It's a horrible job.)
I was the “easy child”. Learned to never have needs as a child. Led to multiple narcissistic relationships.
You are describing me growing up. I’m struggling with getting my needs met now. I keep waiting for someone to do it for me. I’m 68 and no one is going to do it for me. I WILL!
"What happened to your needs? Where did they go?"
The narcissist FLUSHED them down the TOILET!
Narcissists: "I'll tell you what you need and don't need"
Absolutely.
Very painful title and video.
Thank you for this very valuable info, Dr Ramani.
Literally. They tell you that you ain't shit.
Yeah, this is how it is.
Yes! I identify a lot with the expression “Uninteresting”, it’s perfect. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 30 years and I'm trying to understand how I stayed for so long, I forced myself out because he died. Today I am in the process of connecting with my emotions and needs, a learning experience after years of not exercising my needs. It's a painful journey, but I'm on the path to healing and managing to calibrate my emotions, as I was stunted.
Wow!🤯🤯🤯Here I thought I was independent and self sufficient, but I was actually Needless!! I stopped asking for what I needed to avoid toxic situations. It’s better just to do things yourself do you don’t have to nag or explain…..
My needs took a back seat till they completely disappeared.
This is the way I’ve lived my life. It’s the only way I’ve been able to survive, this is what has been expected of me. The minute I express my own needs people flee or they become overwhelmed.
That was me! Yikes, was proud of it, too!? Worked like a "come right on in" green flag to alcoholics and even more narcissistic persons. Now, it is an absolute deal breaker if not a reciprocal relationship. And it wasn't easy to change. Felt shame and guilt.
Thanks for correlating this with the narcs being alcoholics. There is no better liar.
Wow, this video spoke to me. I have spent most of my life as The Needless Person. That’s who I was conditioned from the cradle to be. I feel like unlearning that has been the theme of my fifties.
I have given up on having my needs met. Little by little I have been thinking about what a new life would by like. A life alone. Safety of not having someone set fire to what we worked so hard to build. Security is a need I have. It makes me feel selfish to want that. The problem is, I am the person who lets these people into my life. As I watch my second marriage implode, I have realized that I am so self sufficient that I make neglect of my needs easy. I weighed my needs against theirs and always saw theirs as more. When my needs didn't get met I should have spoke up. When I was blown off I should have left. I should have said NO. Now I realize this. Its hard to be mad at a narcissist when you voluntarily laid on the plate with an apple in your mouth.
I was raised by narcissistic parents. 2nd youngest of 8 kids. I was invalidated as a human being. I was the one to take out your anger on. Not just the daily anger. The anger deep inside when traumatized. I have lost so much of my life to this. Even to this day my abusers won't admit their guilt or their own trauma. I have been in trauma therapy for several years and I'm not done recalling the traumas never mind being able to go out and get my needs met. I am a needless person. Only a fraction of my disfunction. Never under estimate the damage that can be caused by narcissism and trauma.
That what Dr. R. has dedicated her professional life to " calling out" and healing.❤️🩹
The Cool Girl is a version of The Needless Person.
Yep. 100% accurate!! And when you finally discover that your needs matter too- or when you come to a time in your own life when you have to put your needs first, then you get guilt tripped, and thought of as selfish. Along with the passive aggressive comments insinuating that you're somehow a bad person/daughter because you have to put yourself first for a while. It hurts so much, but sometimes we have to do what we need to do for us, and let them figure out how to attend to their own needs and wants.
I'm a needless one. Grew up in a narcissistic household. But in my last narcissistic relationship something interesting happened. The narc was aware of the needlessness dynamic and hated me for it. I theorize this is because it made it more clear who the narc in the dynamic is. The narc would confront me about this needlessness only to respond with just as much anger when I'd finally set a boundary. Can't win.
'Negated' is also a word that resonates with me.
She was so vocally and psychologically violent in insisting that I be nothing, so that she would not be inconvenienced; so that she, through squashing me, might feel taller and more powerful.
Thank you, Dr Ramani, for the validation.
That's my mum. She just morphs into someone other people want to see. To her, that's being a "good mother" and a "good partner". But she's incredibly frustrated by it.
This was me. Trying to earn love as a child and the teaching of my empathic father who raised me when my mother left made me an easy going needless person who catered to everyone else to keep the peace.
"Find your safe spaces, even if initially they are with yourself..." 100%
I was unable, or forbidden to express any needs while in a relationship with a narcissistic individual. Once I knew who and what I had been dealing with I made a course correction - for the good AND for good! Now I dont "ask" for a need to be met, I connect with and live life in a way that ensures I am seen, heard and understood. Stay Healthy!!
The needless person,a child, was used as a pawn by the narc parent. I've watched it happen for years and I feel real anger towards that particular narc for mentally abusing all 3 of her children.
This is me. I still struggle with taking care of my needs. I find it very challenging. It's so engrained into my being to be a needless person. Throughout my life, I was made to feel guilty, treated with rage or contempt, dismissed, or ignored for even having basic needs. How dare I ask for enough lunch money to eat at school ect.. It's no wonder that I found myself stuck in toxic homes, relationships, and workplaces. Even with one side of my family, I was made to feel unworthy and outcast because I did not follow their born-again Christian ways. Therefore, I was undeserving. My needs did not meet the expectations of their needs. Things always came with a price or a sacrifice. Being a needless person comes with the territory.
Thank you for another great video.
this is one of the most important videos ive ever watched
Your videos feel like a safe and gentle hug❤️❤️
Autoimmune I didn't know that , I always had a feeling it was about the emotions on the inside! Thanks Doc ❤
Wow... I never realized I was this person... I didn't even know it was a thing... Thank you so much.❤
Sacrificing yourself at the expense of those who continuously abuse you isn't an act of selflessness. Narcissists are great at convincing you that your needs are not important and will berate you for expressing them. Having needs doesn't make you weak.
My narc mother once told me if she had me first (I have an older brother) that she wouldn't have had anymore kids. And that's because I had a lot of needs as a baby. I had colic during my first year. She always remarks how easy my brother was. While it's a hurtful thing for her to say, I have to give her credit for her honesty. Every once in awhile the mask will slip or she tells you her motive. It's like peeking behind the curtain. She knows who she is and what she's doing.
One of the causes of colic is digestive issues with baby formula or the nursing mother's diet. My mother tries to blame me or shame me for having colic as a baby, something that's out of my control, when it's likely caused by her and her poor diet. Today we have totally different eating habits. She eats garbage and fake foods, and I eat vegetables. As a baby she tried to feed me that Gerber baby food junk that now we learn has toxic levels of lead in it. That stuff made me sick and projectile vomit. She was literally poisoning me and tries to blame/shame me for being sick? Ridiculous.
@@praised03 As I read your comment, I had to grab your attention. I hope you can find one Dr. Mate's video interviews
( or read in his books) about his first years of life with colic. You will love it, I think.🤔 👍🙏😘
Over time, you learn not only to have/express no need but never to request help/support (from the Narc or anyone). For many of us, this is a pattern that started in childhood (getting reinforced by narcissistic abuse) and it's hard to tell what came first, the chicken or the egg. There's a thin line between self-sufficiency and self-erasing "service". In that way, waking up from a narcissistic relationship feels like opening a Pandora box and discovering things about yourself you didn't realize. Deep, honest, self-analysis (and remediation) is a huge part of healing. ❤
You are describing me in my childhood and then in my marriage. Now I’m very sick and still getting blamed for having more needs because my husband can’t do all that he wants. He is supportive in many ways but he is an underfunctioner when it comes to anything other than work, such as the business of our lives like home ownership, etc. i naturally take the lead on figuring out everything. He’s not changing but he keeps telling me he will. This is the pattern I had with my alcoholic father. I was parentified. I love these videos
People have needs. I don’t care who what when where why or how.
When my mother was sick, she had needs . When I was trying to take care of her, I had needs, and my family refused when I had asked later on, after I took time from my own work.
- when people refuse, the whole system crashes. The family unit crashes.
Then you are left by yourself, poor and penniless, because a spouse and sibling decided to not honor their word.
They will rationalize anything , because they are narcissists. Once you see the actions and results, it’s clear.
Common Sense has to rule the day
Narcissist will take advantage of someone who is affable and easy-going.
- And then twist everything to say they have no needs.
Which is a Farce and Coverup
Needless no more!! After a lifetime of being exactly as you described, even with the unwanted gift that I will take with me, autoimmune Hashimoto's. I have set about to change that! For months I have listened to your videos and saved money. I am finally ready to buy my motorhome and head out westward!! Someone else's needs, besides my furbabies, will no longer come before mine. Here's to peace and happiness!! Thank you Dr. Ramani! 🙏🏻💯💪🏼😊
Describes my childhood to a T. Found my voice much later in life in no small part due to Dr Ramani.
Sometimes becoming needless is still practical…. Because if you voice your needs and they go neglected and/or ignored, you have no choice but to do it yourself or go without
Wow! The point about autoimmune condition hit home so much for me! I always did think that it was the constant stress that pushed it through when I was diagnosed so this was the validation that I completely needed! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I agree. I have developed two autoimmune conditions after years of narcissistic abuse.
@smithavellanky3813 I am not a doctor yet thought it to be common knowledge that stress kills. Type 1 diabetes is autoimmune and not contagious at all whatsoever. The only thing i noticed with that is stressors increase hyperglycemia. It just feels like another vulnerability for abusive toxic unempathetic people to exploit. I swear they are a worse disease and I feel allergic to toxic people. I rejected unhealthy people so many years ago, yet they found their way back to sabatoge in manipulative ways, like a whole group of them. I often ask, how does one cure stress caused by stressful people? (if one has no way to get away from them)
Fibromyalgia
I'd recommend books by Gabor Maté for psychosmatic and autoimmune issues, he's amazing at explaining how people with trauma get these illnesses and issues
I needed this today. Thank you.
Always there for Them💊Never there For Me..😡..done Crying my eyes out!!!
❤🌹🍀
@@teresa5007 ❤️
Lord have mercy, help me and others to navigate life living with or dealing with these narcissistic demons. I need healing in all areas, to start over. Thank you Dr. Ramani for caring and sharing. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏🙏🙏
not demons, people
This is very helpful. Thanks. We're brainwashed into erasing ourselves and our needs because the narcissist wants to tell us who we are. We can take our identity back into our own hands though. It does take time and practice but it's worth the effort.
I was soooooo that "needless person" in my youth... Thank you!!! 👍❤❤❤
I’ve been so needless for so long, I still can’t make a decision! I look for cues from others so I don’t make a decision that will make someone ‘Mad!’ Ugh!
They’re trying to compete in stupid ways…they think they’re better when they’re just trash…
I learned to be needless in childhood and it has persisted in adult relationships. I learned that having needs put me in danger, and at the same time I learned to always put other needs first. I really relate to the " becoming what the other person needs." I had always thought it was a positive trait: being able to reinvent myself over and over to meet the needs of the other person, and over and over that other person would take and take until I literally had no more to give, and fell apart over and over. I'm still trying to figure out how to rebuild myself and figure out who I really am, and what my needs, wants and dreams might be, but i do know that is the only way to get unstuck and self-destructive.
My narcissistic mother raised me with, "never have needs, men hate meeting your needs, provide your needs yourself" bit it was done wit fear and spite. If you tried to voice needs even to her or my dad you were gaslit out of them. Needs were shameful. I grew up being accommodating and a doormat and naive. It took me until my mid 30s to stop being in denial of my needs and had to dissect what needs I actually have. This is common for Gen X because Boomers who raised us didn't like meeting their children's needs in general. The boomer generation were too consumed with their needs to meet yours.
Not necessarily true of ALL Boomers. I'm at that tail end of the boomers and I raised my child putting her need ahead of my own.
Boomers have had narc parents!!!!!
@@MM-gk5ofand many parents of Boomers had just been through one or more wars. My parents were both damaged by their wartime experiences. All they could do for us was to create rules and devise punishments. We weren't told that we were loved and valued and unique. We were taught to obey authority and not to express emotion (that was dangerous in wartime). Nowadays people, at least Americans, are always saying 'i love you ' , we grew up never hearing the word. We grew up with the constant threat of nuclear war .So, sadly, many of us didn't and couldn't meet our own children's needs. Even more reason for us to live small and quiet now and not have any needs.
@@katella Excellent point well said.👍
@@allinaday9882 thank you.
I was the needless person for 12 years …yesterday he finally left my apartment 🎉😢
Watch out for him to hoover back when you have a bit of a weak moment. Hold your boundaries 💪. Hope it's starting to get better.
I had health challenges and I had to fight with a fever often to be seen by a doctor as a child. When I got old enough to seek care on my own I was constantly picked on as being "crazy" and "obsessed with my health." They would also shame me for not having enough faith for Jesus to heal me from injuries and malaise. My chronic conditions were never addressed and I have lost organs praying the sickness away when I should have been praying God removes the narcissist in my life. Found out after my kid was diagnosed that the whole time I was dealing with heritable traits. In this situation I became needless because I felt i was seen as a burden because of the medical gaslighting and spiritual abuse.
Its a very powerful. free place to be to meet your own needs. noone can hurt you again
I was needless person. I am healing now, partly with your videos, so thank you d-r Ramani. What you are saying is absolutely true again. It is somewhere in your childhood when you have learn to put your need aside but also the sociallity that is teaching us - be cool, be easygoing, learn to be self sufficient....
This WAS totally me! Never again.
Wow! This is me. I almost never express needs. My therapist is always trying to show me how unhealthy this is. I was with my narcissistic ex for two and a half years. Any time he'd treat me like a doormat he'd tell me that I was too sensitive and demanding. I took him at his word and blamed myself. However one day when he was driving at Walmart and didn't realize I had rolled down the car window for air and he began his usual daily screaming at me because "his life is a shithole" it's not fair" and "I'm not supporting him enough and shouldn't be upset by him screaming in my face"; lo and behold the Walmart shoppers heard him and began filming him with their phones and a couple of them seemed to be dialing someone for help. Suddenly my daily experience of being terrorized and feeling guilty because I was afraid and nothing I did calmed him down didn't seem so normal. If I was so oversensitive and overdemanding then why were complete strangers upset and frightened by his behavior? Suddenly I began to insist that he was unreasonable for acting this way and I began to say no and hold my ground. Eventually after a long and hard struggle I got away from that relationship. I realize that I really am one of the least demanding women he'll ever meet and if he managed to push me away then he is the one being unreasonable and sick. Asking for him not to scream at me round the clock because he's mad that we need to
go shopping or take out the trash bin isn't overdemanding of me. Wanting him to be polite and say please and thank you when I do what he says isn't "jumping through hoops for me". Not wanting to be hit so hard that I'm left with a huge bruise on my leg that lasts over a month isn't being "oversensitive ". He is an abuser!
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse!
I'm so glad you got that moment, what a spoiled brat! Amongst many other things... Glad you're free 🎉
Again doctor Romney I swear you're a magician.
It's tragic how
Things you come up with fit well.
Present. I'm a recovering people pleaser...learning to be an honest and authentic person.
We figured out that needs are unnecessary at best and dangerous at worst
God I'm crying now. I remember being a kid wanting so much for someone anyone to just treat me a fraction of the way I treated others. To ask if I was okay. To actually pay attention to the things I liked/wanted and then act on them. I learned to be the person anticipating others needs, providing for them, and telling myself that myself and my needs didn't matter, because if I didn't tell myself this lie, then I would have to face the truth that I didn't have anyone who cared to consider my needs, and that truth was just to painful for a child to bare.
Yeah, it's called learning to be a door mat. The words "welcome" are usually long worn off of the door mat before people are done wiping their muddy boots on it. Door mats have a purpose & those who use them will do so until it's shredded, throw it out & just replace it. Nobody restores a doormat, to my knowledge.
I realize how I was groomed from a young child to love a narcissist. I was taught in my nuclear family that needing anything was bad. If you expressed a need, you were emotionally ostracized and called selfish, demanding or needy for it. The only way you could get love is by being completely needless. I see how this transitioned into my marriage with my narcissist. It’s the perfect union. The narcissist needs everything and I pretended I needed nothing.
No more. I’m now standing up for myself. My feelings, desires, thoughts, and needs matter. Needless to say I’m getting a divorce because my narcissist doesn’t agree. I can no longer be his doormat and let him suck all the oxygen out of the room depriving me of a single breath of air. No more pretending like I don’t need anything. I’m human and my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and desires matter.
After the ups and downs of being with my Narc, I'd not been able to recognise what my needs were until I learnt to enjoy those snippets of possibilities each time he discarded me. I found it got easier and easier to know what I liked. Something simple like enjoying the Sun whilst sat in the Park were so much more enjoyable alone than had he been sat next to me. I needed to find a way back to myself and really started to absorb all the key elements of Dr Ramanis Videos. 🍒
I went through the recovery of my Total Hysterectomy without other people offering any support. Now, I'm not too concerned about them if they are going through a health situation.
Commitment, loyalty, obligation, and responsibility are all good, but cannot exist in a vacuum. On one hand, unbridled self-ism is being promoted as "self care," and on the other, the praise of the "needlessness" that Dr. Ramani addresses and kindly cautions us about. There is a healthy, aware, self-stewarding but other-serving middle that has an objective sense of obligation and service not derived from the narcissist's expectations, even if the person is still "the giver."
My narc mother acted very aggressive towards my needs. One hot day I was thirsty as a little child and asked for water. I was attacked by her cruel words and mean voice ... so severe that I lost my thirst completely for the rest of my life. Later sicknesses followed, because my body suffered always a lack of water.
Today it is impossible for me to identify my needs, dont feel them. I live like a robot.