UNMET NEEDS that make YOU vulnerable to narcissistic relationships
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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The worst part of the abuse is the betrayal of the narc. Its very difficult to trust and love again.
I refuse to do it. Single forever. I can't trust anyone ever again.
@@akanicolerocks711Same. I’m scared off men and love for the rest of my life. I can give myself better orgasms so I’m focusing on everything else that I love that has nothing to do with romantic relationships. Animal rescue, my kids, career, art, music, good eats, etc.
Practice loving you, the way you want others to love you. This takes time, because these relationships are so distorting. I am nearly two years out of my marriage and I can’t not even fathom another romantic relationship right now. Lol I just focused on authentic love - for myself, friends, children, and pets. That is good right now. Reconnect with the best part of humanity after so many years dealing with the darkest parts.
Good luck to you. Solidarity.
hmm true
Right. This is where the real work begins. You don't want one of these relationships to cause you to become bitter and resentful. There are good people out here, we just need to do the healing work in order to find them (or rather, for them to find us)!
I’m learning this lesson backward. “Never outsource the work of your soul” is a beautiful way to put it.
What does that mean exactly tho ?
Wow!
I felt that ......
@@chellotrevino7323 what it means to me is that you have to do the work of self compassion, challenging what you think you know about yourself and filling your own cup before you look for others. No person will or should be able to fill your voids caused by your own baggage.
Personally,
I didn’t understanding the damage of being parentified in my childhood, I left my parents house into a dynamic that was far worse.
The person I was with could read all of the neglect and starvation for security and protection. My care giver would often burden me with the state of the family finances and it put me in constant fear of not having a roof over my head or food.
He played the role of responsible partner wanting to build a life of financial /emotional.
It was a lie of course. He exploited my fears to financially abuse me. But I didn’t see it coming. I trusted him more than myself… because of what he said he was- his mask.
No one in my life really stood up for me when it counted, when it was uncomfortable for them. So, yeah… he gave me the illusion of Protection, stability and that he had my back.
During the love bombing I had never experienced anything like it. In retrospect the things I thought were amazing or great were just bare minimum… and that wasn’t even real.
A lot of bad things happened and I stayed way longer than I should
Have. When I left my abusive relationship, I had to move back home. It was like opening Pandora’s box, because all the feelings and experiences I didn’t have articulation for as a child, I now did. I had a language to describe how my childhood made me feel, and what was lost. The box I was being forced to be put in again because of my circumstances…
Having to go backwards and understand myself had been the key to moving forwards and healing the core wounds first. It’s helped me see my ex for what he and have a bit more compassion for myself.
Before confronting my own past, I blamed myself for being stupid- why didn’t I see the red flags? How could I let someone do this to me? Healing and confronting my own past has helped me contextualize the types of relationships I began to believe were normal.
It’s taken a lot of reexamination of the things I believed about myself, and the world. That having boundaries is a good thing. That I could be angry or upset or disappointed and I wasn’t responsible for everyone’s feelings. I didn’t have to fix everything.
No one could do that work, but me. There wasn’t a person that would come into my life and just fill in the blank space. The only types of ppl that seek to “fill voids” are disturbed.
I couldn’t outsource the work of caring for myself, to someone else… which without realizing I absolutely did.
I wanted so desperately for this person to be “real” that I deluded myself. At the time
It felt someways better than what I had, and better than nothing…
That was not true, of course. I just hated myself because, everyone else did unless I was providing a service, or had use. That was how o was made to feel a lot. It wasnt until I could see myself (a daily work in progress) as a whole person that I could begin to heal.
Sorry for the long winded response!
@@chellotrevino7323 , sit quietly , look at your thoughts as they come & go .
The irony of life is that, EVERYONE wants respect but not EVERYONE gives it.
A lot of people want _special_ respect but don't want to reciprocate... narcissists.
@@SylPaperworks WRONG! We all should demand respect. For example, if your in line at the grocery store and someone cuts in front of you (unknowingly, because you weren't paying attention) what did you do, not to earn their respect?
I believe respect is not a universal thing. I think what one person finds disrespectful, the next person might find amusing or endearing... But of course this channel is all about narcissism, so you're just describing a narcissist.
Also, I'm a man... I was raised believing it's respectful to hold doors for women... In 2024, many women will feel slighted, "I'm not a weak damsel, and if I was, I don't want you!".
If you feel a person is disrespectful, trust your suspension, and avoid them or assume they can be a narcissist.
@@SylPaperworks..You should not have to earn respect..or even demand it.. You being a person should deem you worthy of respect..
Having respect for one another, animals and the planet, is the key to the World's problems. There wouldn't be any wars, between countries or with your neighbour. Treat someone the way you want to be treated, whether you like them or not.
I feel that narcissists after they discard you, they want to keep you in a vulnerable state preventing you from moving forward to where you expect them to return. This makes it easier for them to hoover you in the event things go wrong with their new supply.
Theyll sabatoge u n laugh for fun then say "see, woulda been better off with me"
Mom started up the hoovering again, after she wouldn't speak even a word to me, for half a year. By then, I had seen her coming. Keeping myself free of that entanglement is the most enormous access to freedom I ever didn't know I needed!
They want to keep one under control. They take advantage of our fears and vulnerability. They will test whether they can be manipulated.
They provoke in order to get reactions.
Everybody has unmet needs, and these emotional vampires will pick up on them like a shark sniffs out blood in the water.
They will then shape-shift to create the illusion that they are just the perfect thing to satisfy that unmet need.
But it's all illusion, without a particle of substance.
You can trust me on that one.
💯 Absolutely! Well said.
Well said. They will be all that we need for the period of time untill they get what they need
@@springBloomsinAwe Exactly.
How true.....
Self love is the key to defeat a narcissist. I have realized that the amount of love that I have already is way bigger than what the narc can even offer in 10 lifetimes.
I'm a sucker for politeness, being heard, and kindness in all my romantic relationships (even now) even when I know they are faking it. Because my narc parents never provided these to me. It's so easy for anyone to sense that within the first few minutes of talking to me.
This makes me sad. I've never felt that feeling of wanting a faked romance or intimacy like you hear in songs.
I want to believe my husband is authentic. How long do I wait until there is a clear sign.
I so can relate🥺I try to think about what cues I’m giving off🤷🏾♀️I’m naturally high vibe and open, funny and polite. For the life of me I just don’t get what about that makes me a target…but it does😩
Man...this is so relatable...just know that you aren't alone. 💯❤️
@@An-meitrust your gut. The fake people will give u crazy/dangerous/cringe/negative vibes in the very first momenta. DO NOT ignore it. The people who make you feel relaxed and comfortable from the get go are usually safe. Trust your gut!
@@lovinglatonya3499 when you give a high vibe and humour it's very attractive to anyone. It's the openness that's problematic when we're too open too early because it can give the impression that you have poor boundaries and that is chum in the water for narcissistic sharks.
You deserve to feel the same love you give. Narcissists are the biggest cons and give love a bad name.
Exactly; "The biggest Cons"
The narcissists are the ones who need and deserve the introspection their victims/survivors do
So Bon Jovi was singing about narcissists...before the word existed!
@@trailerparkcryptoking5213
Lyrics
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
Darlin', you give love a bad name
An angel's smile is what you sell
You promise me Heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison, you can't break free
Oh, you're a loaded gun, yeah
Oh, there's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name (bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name (bad name)
Hey, you give love, a bad name
Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy's dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye
Whoa, you're a loaded gun
Whoa, there's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name (bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name (bad name)
You give love, oh
Oh, shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name (bad name)
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name (bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name (bad name)
You give love
You give love (bad name)
You give love
You give love (bad name)
You give love
You give love (bad name)
You give love
You give love
The narcissist I broke up with five months ago lured me in by acting empathic about the severe trauma I've endured in my life. He promised never to judge me for my life circumstances (extreme poverty, and being behind my age group in terms of education and employment). However his words and actions don't match up. Instead of being happy that I'm working hard to catch up and get a university degree and instead of being happy that I got a small job working at a restaurant he yelled at me regularly claiming that I was ruining our relationship by spending time that wasn't focused on him. I was hurt. Then when things fell apart even further between us in the end he cited my goals to remain actively employed and to finish my education as big reasons why he needed to dump me. I just don't get it. The way these crazy narcissists think is baffling. If I had no job or chose not to pursue my education he probably would have complained that I wasn't carrying my own weight. Basically it's a no win situation with these people.
I'm so glad you got out of that situation when you did, so brave bravo Sis💜🫂💜
They are riddled with incongruencies and inconsistencies. It’s so annoying!!!
Anyone wanting you to listen to yelling and belittling needs to go. Anyone wanting you to quit work, education needs to go. Scorn, swear words appropriate 👍🙂💞💪
Hugs 😊
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The infamous double bind of the narcissistic relationship.
During the year before I met my eventual wife, I distinguished that both of my parents are narcissists, Mom the covert variety, and Dad the vulnerable type. Only after I finally met the woman I was meant to marry did I acquire the wisdom, courage and support I needed to finally embark on five years of no contact with my parents. I didn't realize how addicted my parents had trained me to be to their (chronically withheld) affection and attention, until I became willing to go no contact, in order to allow myself to heal.
Wish many more men come to realise this about their parents
"Never outsource the work on your soul.". Perfect!
I’m sitting here crying because I’m that person who gets caught up when someone says, “Let me take care of this for you”.
I just recently developed a crush on this guy I see at a coffee shop. Whenever he sees me he always goes above and beyond to get me whatever I need an want. It’s obvious he has a crush on me…
I see him maybe once a month , I think he might be the owner. But I’m obsessed with him now and I kept trying to figure out why.
The thing is he’s just really nice, he doesn’t seem narcissistic (doesn’t crave attention from others). But still I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so obsessed with his attention, it felt like a drop of water in the desert.
I’ve had to take care of myself from an extremely young age. I was surrounded by people but truly no one gave a crap, I’m lucky I’m still alive to be honest.
I don’t know if this man will be good or not, or anything will happen with him at all. I just wanted to figure out what it is about this guy that is sooo alluring for me. But I think this video accurately describes what is happening.
I’m glad you were able to find that clarity!
I remember being 6 years old, yearning to find my person and life partner. I didn’t care as much about anything else. Now, I know why. I wish me now could have been there for me then.
Dying to be acknowledged, heard and receive affection. I learned growing up how to love my babies, giving them what I craved so much. Being looked over and ignored will make a person have a level of desperate for connection.
@@peekaboo21284sounds like you’re doing a great job with your little ones 😊
🎯 I lavish affection on my 8 y o. But also give freedom & discipline. I know what problems im avoiding by this approach, but do worry what unknown problems I'm causing!
Me too dreaming of love and effection not even really knowing what it really looked like just knowing I was missing it
Same here, but I think I was 9 or 10 yrs old. To have that one person who just loves you.
Boy! Was that an eye-opener! When I was 10 years old, my sister was born. My mother turned all of her responsibility over to me. Cooking for a family of 6, all the laundry, cleaning the house, and taking care of my baby sister were demanded of me until the day I left home to elope with my narcissistic husband. I didn't know what he was at the time, but I saw him as filling that void of being taken care of. He was financially responsible, had a good paying job, and made me feel like I could trust him to take care of me like never before. He took care of me alright... almost killing me, but not with physical abuse, although it affected me physically, emotionally, and mentally. Thankfully, I am now out of the situation 43 years later. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!! You helped clear up in my mind what I ever saw in him to begin with.
A narcissist doesn't even have to understand your needs to try and exploit or victimize you. The misinterpreration of a feeling can be enough when combined with the self absorbtion to lead them to making a target somebody.
I fell for feeling like a problem solver, useful, resourceful, basically she indulged my savior complex and put up with my 'quirks' in the love bomb
Yes. We all subconsciously look for safe people/havens. The thing is: without critical thinking we risk making mistakes about who these safe people actually are
For me, the red flags were there but dismissed them for one reason or another. As I look back there were more flags than I knew and feel like slapping my shelf upside the head for not running away.
I’m filling my own holes from now on, thank you very much! 😁😁😁😁
Unmet needs go beyond us getting into relationships that are toxic and abusive. I have seen people follow political and religious people with a passion that, on the surface, defies logic. I mean, there are a lot of people who know these authority figures are against everything thing they have been taught as right, but it doesn't matter. They will follow these folks and change their own values to match those of the leader.
Never outsource the work of your soul. - thank you for this brilliant advice dr Ramani❤
"Red flags that don't make sense until you look backwards" -- I have been looking back at many things through narc-aware filters for the past few years, especially since my narc father passed -- it was all there in the open the whole time and even though something always seemed off or wrong, I just never had the words or the frame of reference to identify and understand, and maybe help my situation.
As much as I hate to admit it to myself, because it’s a vulnerability, I would imagine that, my family situation came right on time, for my neighbor. She’d probably listened to the yelling, screaming phone conversations above her and figured that the dysfunction I had in my family, might be the perfect inroad, for her and I to become family. That I needed a mother (and I had begun no contact with my mother) and she needed a daughter, so she could have someone to fill in the gap for retiring early, with no real plans, so she could waltz around in her bathrobe and have someone to have both financial capability, since I am not yet retired, as well as the ability to wipe her butt. She was a mighty bit surprised, disappointed and angry, when she found out that, regardless of me being alone now, I wasn’t looking for another mother.
Narcissists seem to always have it figured out, how your needs (seen as weaknesses) can fulfill their own.
"Never outsource the work of your Soul"❤
40 years ago, it did feel that the universe sent me my husband to be. I have been looking into myself as to why I attracted him, and other narcs, and missed any clues. With hindsight and the knowledge of narcissism I have gained from your videos and books, I think I would not have fallen so thoroughly for the love bomb. I trusted and believed his words. The first devaluation did not come until I was pregnant and vulnerable two years in. Of course there were quirks in his behaviour that I explained away. My healing has progressed to accepting the narc for who he is, and now I am focussed on looking into who I am, as a narc magnet, and survivor of a 35 year marriage to one. One hell of a big thank you for your work, Dr. R. Looking forward to a copy of your new book coming into my mailbox in February.
I can so relate to your thoughts. First date with the ex was almost 50 years ago. We had spurts of a relationship for 10 years before we got married. Many personality red flags looking back but serial cheating was the final straw for me. I ended the marriage at 35 years. Still struggling getting over the betrayal of my soul on so many levels.
@@donnas.1576 Same ending of the marriage, serial infidelity. Lost all trust that anything he told me wasn’t a lie or gaslight. While separated, I stumbled on to UA-cam videos on narcissism , especially Dr. R. The scales fell off my eyes as I learned narcissist personality style was a thing, and I got the knowledge I could have used years ago. False hope and sheer exhaustion kept me in the marriage 10 years longer than it should have. It helps to share and know we are not alone. Life is abundantly better now.
"So often the very lock we've got, sadly, their key often fits perfectly." I'm being 'hoovered' right now and need today's advice. Wow, this narcissist has my number. But Dr. Ramani has hers! This narc called me just yesterday... my yearning, her charm, charisma, confidence... this narc is so smooth and pretty. DoctorRamani confirms all of my suspicions I held while talking on the phone with her. (I'm working hard with myself to develop a strong secure attachment style instead of insecure attachment style). Yep, she wants to get her supply from me and leave me stupefied! So, I refuse to fall into that black hole with her again. I grasp hold to this wonderful 'therapy' now. Thanks for the life raft, Dr. Ramani. "Never outsource the work of your soul": My new mantra.
Omg i felt like i was thrown to the wolves at 17 yrs old. 😢
I was thrown at 5 years old…Didn’t stand a chance. By 17 I was already living on my own, working and going to school with my own apartment living with a 25 year old. Back then it seems ok, necessary. Now that I’m grown I really know my mom didn’t give a sh!t. Smh
May God Bless us all for having to endure this trauma.
@lovinglatonya3499 , Wow , You are resilient !
Thank you for putting this out there. I got alot of answers on this from Ross Rosenberg’s self love deficit disorder. The example of love we get from our parents sets our attachment style. After many years of constantly working on myself i recently came to realize that I thought love was emeshment. I learned that trying to understand systems family thinking(Jerry Wise). It’s real hell trying to separate yourself from these deep programs you received as well as you developed, to survive in your family system. It why some of us are like a moth to a flame how we get a good feeling about this person that will destroy everything, it’s what you know. We didn’t have a choice about anything when we were little, we have a choice now, these systems we developed were terribly clever, we just need to modify them to fit the situations and people we want in our lives. Not abandon them entirely. Choose you.
"Never outsource the work of your soul." Great quote Dr. Ramani!
Thank you for caring. I pray goodness mercy be with you always Dr. Ramani Psalm 23🙏👑❤️🇯🇲
How many people are actually unconditionally loved, seen, appropriately consistently nurtured, and have had healthy relationships modeled for them in their childhood ? 2 % ?
I keep asking myself this question and judging by the fact that most people we meet online or in IRL display to some degree some sort of maladaptive behavior if I can express it this way therefore it's really rare to find people very self balanced and healthy outside of adultes that worked on themselves.
Just the overstepping of boundaries in general makes it super hard to trust anyone again. It also made me believe that I deserved the mistreatment and felt so unworthy of any actual kindness. Growing up in a narcissistic family, it became easier and more comfortable in a way to deal with narcissistic mistreatment than with actual healthy relationships. Anytime anyone even complimented me, I would often shrug it off as a lie, or- if I could sense it was genuine- I would break down crying because I felt so unworthy and uncomfortable. Even just a simple “you look nice today,” and it’s embarrassing how much this has affected my relationships with people as an adult.
I am the same way. 👌
My abandonment wound controls me, but my desirability wound is louder. The desirability wound gets me into these situations. I think no one could ever want me. And finally, someone does, and acknowledges all of the things I am that are worthy of love and desire. But, rather quickly, they withdraw, and then I become a burden once the abandonment wound is activated. I am exhausted, and this video really, really helped. Thank you for sitting with me.
As I sit here and obsess over what it is in me that attracts toxic people after ending a relationship with a narcissist I have been madly in love with for decades, I find this and it’s like you knew I needed to hear this. ❤
I can look back now as you said. I just have to say, wow, when I think about things that happened in the past.
This video spoke to me, Dr. Ramani. When I was younger and didn't know what I know now, I ran toward a man who offered what looked like safety and stability. I didn't realize that the reason that he seemed like such a good match was that he had identified the most vulnerable part of me and made himself look like the answer to unmet needs. I'm over twice the age I was then, have learned much, and gained a hard-earned wisdom. Thank you for the information, the validation, and the sharing of knowledge. You have helped me learn so much.
I am invalidated and being discarded by my whole family now. I feel foolish, weak and betrayed. At sixty this is nice to learn but sadly just to late to rebuild.
If you are suffering this, then escape while you still can.
Why can't you leave and rebuild rrROBBIEee? 🫂❤️🩹🌹
I relate I'm 52 married at 20 and I'm finding it so hard to separate without financialy sinking I'm working hard to get ahead of it but to know some catch it early and get out gives me hope. Please Don't lose hope we're never too old to start over, there's better ahead I promise you it won't always feel so lonely surround yourself with other survivor/thrivers sending love your way💙🫂💙
Thank you for hearing my pain. Due to my own failings, I ended up in the house I grew up in with my covert narc Mom. What I didn't understand as I child I figured out as a pathetic adult. I have a graduate degree and have had successes but because of my internal instability I never hung on to the great opportunities. I am now back where I started, in perceptual cognitive dissonance. I am decimated at this stage. Years of therapy and antidepressants leave me numb and none the better.. Thanks for hearing me. Who knows what the future brings. When February is over I will probably be on the street.☹☹🫂🫂🫂🫂@@triawillow1972
Being discarded by my family or a family member is so heartbreaking. My mother discarded me right before she died and left me with emotional landmines. My heart just breaks for that little girl who was never loved or wanted. I look back and I can see all the signs so clearly.
Wishing you healing, love and peace.
@@mday3821 It is so sad to think back on that hurt childhood. I hope you heal from the damage you did not deserve . Peace. 💛💙🖤🫂🫂
I remember once when I left my Narc and got talking to another man. I enjoyed the attention a d felt he liked me (something my Ex rarely showed if at all) and tjst my wanting and desire to be attractive and loved was being met. However, after texting a few times to each other something told me to slow down, and didn't text him as much. Neither did he. I had learned enough to know this wasn't right for me, and it was in a way something my Ex taught me during his cycles of abuse. Nomatter what my needs were, I walked away and left it and deleted his number. We bump into each other now and again and we're civil and polite, but nothing comes of it. I have other priorities now. My recovery and self love is paramount. 🍒
I've been through narc abuse 30 plus years. Now im dealing with parental alienation because I decided to get out
Dad a grandiose and malignant narc, mom a covert narc, so, yea, I was raised just for the narcs waiting for me.
Makes me feel so sorry for you 😢
@@uzmazaidi2887 thanks! But Dr. Ramani has opened my eyes to what I couldn't understand. I, and you, deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect.
@@uzmazaidi2887 thanks! But Dr. Ramani has opened my eyes to what I didn't understand was happening for decades. Everyone, including you, deserves to be treated with kindness, love and respect. Best wishes.
This was SO spot-on, and I extra-appreciate you clearly stating that no matter what our vulnerabilities are, we STILL never deserved to be abused, nor brought it on ourselves somehow. A lot of other people miss that message and end up victim-blaming!
"never outsource the work of your soul" mindblowing.
Thank you Doctor Ramani 👍🏾 I am now aware and on my healing journey❤️🩹
Imagine your first bully before you start school was your mother. And my Ex betrayed my trust to trusting other people again. After i saw them for what they're I cant unsee it everywhere
I find this video VERY helpful. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
The narcissist I lost an attempt at a girlfriend at was very sharply well dressed he simply had to say, "God meant for us to be together!" ...and apparently it sounded like it came from God himself.
Eventually I learned that guy was still married to somebody else, had organised crime connections and a Rap Sheet for Domestic Violence.
Highly recommended: informative insights about typical narcissist personality types who are totally void of a “moral compass” unless you have a valid premise for a particular “situationship” your time and efforts will be better spent with absolutely no contact. Also keep in mind if alcohol is involved, which is quite common, it’s serving yet another purpose , so depends on your level and duration of involvement you not only will have an unexpected breakup to contend with when your discarded it may also be compounded with alcohol withdrawal and sex addiction.
Notes on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Alcohol Usage Disorder (AUD):
NPD and AUD frequently co-exist and can increase the effects of each other. People with a pattern of narcissism often turn to alcohol to reinforce a false sense of grandiosity. People with AUD, also known as alcoholism, can display patterns of narcissism, including self-absorption and an underlying craving for admiration.
If I’ve I understood well: My parents were unreliable, so I want people who r there for me? Who prioritise me!
But I’ve been blindly choosing partners who were unreliable! I can discern in retrospect.
BOTH my parents were narcissists… recently read a quote that helped understanding of C-PTSD:
“Don’t know who discovered water but it certainly wasn’t the fish.”
My narcissist came along not long after my husband died. He filled those holes in my heart and then gradually took them all away. Thanks for helping me realize what happened and how I can heal myself!
Thanks Dr Ramani ….Excellent overview! exactly …🎯
I get it. Thanks for looking out. I'm not worried. I'll be weary of changes.
Yeah, me too. I get it too.
Touché! I was guilty of strong needs that attracted narcissistic people in my life. The upside is that I have since worked on plugging those things. I am in a much better place now.
Wise words again, Dr. Ramani! Already in my 70s, I discovered this past year that I am an HSP, which means I have been using the wrong "owner's manual" all my life. It worked both ways. It made me a sitting duck for every narcissist around me, while also explaining why non-narcissists (myself, even) would not know how to be with me. Doing this - my own soul's ouchy work - forced me to revise my own heavy history and to feel better equipped to move on. Only time will tell if these insights provide immunity from narcissists, but I have to get back out among folks to find out. Thanks for being a great teacher. 🌷🙏🐙
Thank you for your work,we're always happy for new videos! ❤
WOW! . . 'psychological necessity'! That's deep, Dr. Ramani👍🏽! . . .
Yes, I looked to this person to meet some of my needs when really I could and should have met my own. I can own that now, and take 100% responsibility for myself now. Don't look to or rely on others for things we can and should do for ourselves. Thank you Dr. R !
PS - And I can rely on my faith, and my Creator!
I had this realization at the end of my last relationship (discard). When i come across someone who has the same energy that my mother had; condescending and dismissive, and they give me a little attention... I'm hooked. Painful realization, but I'm glad I finally figured it out.
I might have gone past the point of no return because I no longer crave anything. I just want not to be beaten any more
So much truth in this vid! I chose my two main (narcissistic) partners in my 20s/30s, because they seemed powerful, confident personality types strong enough to actually stand up to my abusive narcissistic family! In fact I was unknowingly just perpetuating similar patterns. There were no channels like this back then (if only there had been) and narcissism was never even mentioned in therapy. Thankfully I went no contact with both toxic exes and family over 10 yrs ago - and so much happier for it! But watching these videos is like all the pieces of the jigsaw finally fit together and explained - thank you Dr R :)
Indeed! My ex was a natural born (and studied) salesperson. He was excellent in sales because he'd focus attention on the target, zero in on what their deep human needs were, and focus his sales pitch as an advisory on how to meet that need (regardless of how the sale would actually help their business.) It was gross and manipulative. Looking back, I get how he got me.
🔥🔥woah incredible teaching, thank you, you read my mail on all those reasons we tell ourselves 🎯 no outsourcing 🙏✨️
It hit me today.. social media is the narcs playground. Line up with what they want or you are threatened with the same things they do to you in person.
! This was the best video you have ever posted Dr.
I discovered you 5 years ago when I was left in a hotel room in Atlanta Georgia with my dog in a suitcase packed for a week escaping hurricane irma. I have been watching you now for a few years most of the years you have been posting. The first of December I met someone who turned my world around at least for a month until the day I saw the red flag! I walked out it's still kicks my ass in pain but I know he was a Devil in Disguise thank you for everything that you have done! This video has summed up your entire work on this UA-cam channel and summarized what I have learned
I watch these to raise my kids well. Their dad is a narc & just re-entered their lives after years & years. Rough to see them going to him with high hopes. I was told really early on kids need just one healthy parent so that’s my motivation to recover
I just made a major mistake with my bills. It was right about the time my spouse was throwing a fit about….still not sure what I had done wrong. I make so many more mistakes when I’m dealing with streas
Another timely message! Thanks Dr. Ramani ❣
Nailed it as usual. Recognized and exploited by scores of people throughout my deficient life. While that hard truth pains me, I am deeply grateful to be better prepared now.
Same for me
Good morning, Dr.Ramani.
Fascinating & so true! Thanks! Your conclusion is so helpful- "never outsource what you can do" yourself😊
"Never outsource the work of your soul". Very well said. This video really spoke to me a lot. Thanks for all your great work Dr. Ramani!
I never thought I would say this but now that I am recovering from a 20 years narcissistic marriage, it can sometimes feel as a gift 🎁 so I can take a good look at my issues and come in contact why on earth i thought we were a good match. My childhood wounds growing up in a dysfunctional home are the reasons I thought he was a catch 🤮!
To "outsource the work of the soul" is now a huge risk for me & possibly do so unconsciously as my core wounds are deeply engraved in my psyche
Coming from a childhood where I was the parentified child , forever the fixer to both my parents & my siblings, tending to everyone else's needs while neglecting my own
Not sure if I can ever take the risk of allowing someone new into my life
I would much rather hold onto my own key & also the barrel of the lock
The work of my healing journey is still challenging, and I love my now peaceful single life....and indulging in my chocolate cravings seems like the safer option for now
Thanks for helping me learn these patterns. They happen now and I am seeing them. I have come to know myself and my circumstances so much more because of this learning and integrating. I just had to do exactly what you described. It was a hard thing to discern. I didn't get what I needed and wanted, but I did get safety, a sense of peace with myself, and increased self trust.
'Such powerful insights in this message. I will rewatch this video to ensure I fully embrace the learning points. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
💙
I have been yearning for this video. I've been asking myself time and time again how I could have backpeddled and seen these red flags. It sounds great in hindsight, but hard during. Thank you for giving these thoughts space and validation. This video made me feel less guilty for the trauma I faced, but a crucial step in opening my eyes to what I truly need to dig into in my own psyche. ❤
love that comparison to junk food 😅
seriously though, once we are educated on the tells (which knowing our own pain points is very helpful in) it's actually really easy to avoid getting in too deep too early: just wait. give them as little as possible and just wait for the first thing that annoys them. that's when they show their real face. it can take a while but everyone who has been through this kind of abuse and survived can handle a bit of waiting. it's so worth it for avoiding the agony of what they put us through. also spotting them early becomes much much easier every time and not giving them anything to work with, just duds, is quite empowering. because they will keep hunting us, we can't lose the scent they prefer. which is okay with me because as long as they're after me, they can't harm someone who is still vulnerable.
More vocabulary to help sort out me from my disabilities, where I'm culpable versus where I'm not, the other persons, the voices of others lodged in my head, and the vulnerabilities created by previous abuses or gaps in my own abilities. "Loophole" came with the wrong connotations, and "vulnerability" didn't capture the specificity I had been seeking. "Keyhole" works great. Thank you.
Feels like you might have another book iinside you. It is you. Successful life involves a change.
Now go out there and so the right thing ... change.
Difficult to hear but truthfully the only element you control that changes dealing with narcissism is you.
This is so helpful. Having your OWN home and making it serene for yourself is fulfilling.
I guess I found how it happened to me. There was no cuddling in my family. Additionally I remember about a situation when I felt rejected. I got empathic in order to foresee and avoid rejection. Later I realised that I am unsure and confused when it comes to closeness with a partner. Instead of enjoying it I was checking if my partner feels well. Feeling close to somebody becomes impossible and the partner will recognise this too. Except if the partner is a narcissist. She didn't care what I am doing. Instead she makes very clear what she needs now. It is even not necessary to be an empathic person to get this message. And then it works. Maybe nobody else than a narcissist could make this happen. At least not in such a short time frame.
Seeing it I can forgive me, my parents and my narcissist who is no longer with me. And I don't want her back, because this story is now over.
“ never outsource the work of your soul” 💖💖💖💖
What do they want from us? My child is in foster care and one of the social care workers refused to check the schedule of my bus times. I travelled three and hours to see my son and 15 minute delay triggered her. She explained to me that her sister often came late to barbeques and she wouldn't allow me to fool her by checking the bus schedule to understand that a 15 minute delay was not be arriving late to the bus stop because there are buses only every 45 minutes. She prevented reunification between me and my son and was often tyrannical. I wondered was she "allowed" to treat others in her life like this, eg her sister, or only me as I was a vulnerable mother. Also when I allowed my son to throw pebbles she accused me of allowing him to grow up fighting even though she knows me as gentle and sensitive. Yet she told me that her teenager children had grown up fighting. What is it that she was getting from doing this to me? A sense of being right. And shockingly so, she seemed to understand my sensitive and shy side and was able to advocate for me and it was horrifically agonising what happened.
This was another gem for me! 💎 Thank you!
Thank you Thank you!!! sooo many thoughts... 👍❤❤❤
"Never outsource the work of your soul." Oh, Dr. Ramani, that is a galvanizing piece of advice.THANK YOU!! ♥🙏
Just what I needed to hear today.
Another validating video.
Thank you Dr Ramani.
Never outsource the work of your soul! Beautiful!💖
Having healthy boundaries are very good at driving abusive predators away ... thank you for these videos - they make sure I am no longer a mark when it comes to online dating.
Yes!! So exactly right on. Thanks so much doc!! 💙
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this video! I needed to hear it today! I really appreciate your videos and the information you provide! ❤❤❤
It's important to Know Yourself First
1.Setting boundaries and maintaining a sense of self-empowerment can help prevent entering into a relationship with a narcissist in the following ways:
2. Valuing yourself: When you have a strong sense of self-empowerment, you value yourself and your well-being. This means you are less likely to be drawn to individuals who only seek to use and manipulate others for their own gain, as is common in narcissistic relationships.
3. Seeking healthy relationships: When you have a strong sense of self-empowerment, you are more likely to seek and attract healthy, respectful, and supportive relationships. This reduces the likelihood of entering into a relationship with a narcissist who may seek to exploit and manipulate you.
Thank you! This means I have to be specific about the ladies I associate with now that I am becoming social.
@@An-mei certainly, you need to be supported and validated and most people who are not aware of Narc personality might ends up judging or questioning your experiences. This hurt us even more
So sad 😢 my hole life is described in this video
Saving this one for future reference… I learned a little while ago that I have a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style. I’ll look there to figure out what my holes are. What a journey my soul has taken!
Spot on, as usual, Dr. Ramani!
This was so great. Thank you!!!
Wow this was such a great and important lecture. I love this information i can really work with. Thank you! I’m really looking forward to your new book, with more self helping information.
Thank you for your work
❤❤wonderful information- I am too old and peace is all I desire and will not give up on keeping peace and quiet! I love learning even though it’s after the fact! 😢Today I said No to a request and felt so powerful!!😂 Oh I love that word!! My lock was rescue and help so a sob story of any kind fit perfectly! 😢Thanks Dr R for helping us so much! ❤❤
Dr Ramani, spreading your knowledge and advice is just what a significant number of us need!! Thank you deeply