The exhausting reality of trying to make it work with a narcissist
Вставка
- Опубліковано 10 тра 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM: doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
Marriage to a narcissist is the only war, in which you're sleeping with the enemy. You can't expect loyalty from someone who can't be honest.
Or any peace from a warmonger.
So exhausting.
😢
I recall watching the movie 'Sleeping with the Enemy' with Julia Roberts. It was a life-changing experience!
Truth!
what a great comment! Wow dead on!
You're a hero, doctor, for putting this content up for free. You provide knowledge so others may save themselves.
Dr. Ramani has a set of wings and a gorgeous halo with her name, just waiting for her return..
Yes
I was in survival mode for 50+ years. It was after 10 years away from narcissists… I began to realize my constant state of hyper vigilance. I just learned (in the last year) that it was narcissistic abuse. Now, at 68, I’m very protective of MY thoughts and feelings.
Complicit in our own abuse perfectly describes my childhood.
What advice would you give me, a 55 year old, 36 years of marriage.
There’s way too much to unpack for me to give advice. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Be your own best friend. Trust that empathy is good, giving it to yourself. It’s hard to be anything inside the relationship except what the narcissist wants. I was the lazy loser, which doesn’t describe me at all, but it’s the narrative I lived within to not make waves.
I’m slow to learn this because I need someone to talk to. It’s so difficult.
@@ruby-qv5bd I'm happy to talk to you if you want
Get out now.
It will save you years of heartache, confusion, illness, stress, worry, being used, lied to, abused, cheated on, and loss of your spirit
VERILY!❤
This. The minute you recognize it, LEAVE. That's really the only answer. Leave them to someone else or let them be alone. They are not safe for normal people to be around.
This. The minute you recognize it, LEAVE. That's really the only answer. Leave them to someone else or let them be alone. They are not safe for normal people to be around.
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons Jesus is coming back to pick up his people and children any moment now!🥰As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, manipulations, spill of innocent blood.
We are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊 Events spoken of in the Bible are converging.
Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy!😍Trust in what He did on the cross for us! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
In the days of darkness make sure to stay inside!🙌❤️🥹
amen
Living in the twilight zone is the worst… and neglecting yourself is a death sentence. Literally…
I actually had given up. She had me financially dependent on her. I wanted out so bad I was hoping to die. I neglected and abused my body (poor diet, lack of exercise, copenhagen, coffee all day) just trying to die. But I finally got to the point I needed to get away. Took me a year to get some sort of sanity back. Still working on my health but doing great. Still effed up in the head at times.
@@brianlane9534 yes, literally! My mom died of breast cancer (narcissist husband) I’m in remission from Stage lll Breast cancer: no genetics involved only a life time of narcissistic abuse. Anger, Sadness, defeat, broken hearts, invalidation, gaslighting, flying monkey behavior all cause chemicals in your body; if you get enough of those stress hormones disease kicks in so get out for your own health and children’s too. Set an example for your kids. Stay healthy for them and because of them.
Thank you so much
I was at death's door when I finally left. I wasn't going to otherwise "for the children" but thinking I was going to die put things in perspective, especially because of how he was treating me when I was that sick.
Twilight Zone...what I felt I walked into when I filed for divorce. I realized I had NO idea who I was really married to. The lies just kept being exposed. Still makes me SMH to this day. I feel like I was robbed of 30yrs of my life.
Forgetting who you are authentically, or never learning, is one of the most devastating parts of narcissistic relationships. And there are ripple effects so we must forge ahead and heal ourselves.
yes ... 🤎
True that. However though, what is propagating narcissism are not individuals. You can deal with a narcissistic individual and get a solution but it is hard to deal with a narcissistic system or systems.
@@abdirahmanhabib398 you cannot deal with a narcissistic individual if you don't know what's going on or as a child. They don't show what they are until way later in relationships
I purchased your book months ago and still have not received information on course next month. I’ve asked a few times. Will someone PLEASE respond 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
@diannebrett4074 hey Dianne, if you don't get any joy here, may I suggest checking out the Crappy Childhood Fairy? She's level-headed and really knows her stuff; I'm about to do one of her courses...
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .
She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️
It's EXHAUSTING AF.
Amen...
If you take the fight, they accuse you off being toxic and blame you for everything. If you comply, they loose respect and treat you like garbage. You can play the power game and win for a while if you are strong enough, but eventually, they'll find new supply because they can't control you and then "I was unhappy with you, my needs were not met, then it is justify that I find someone else". The only solution is to gather your strength and get out, confront if needed. You won't get out unscratched, but it is necessary.
Agreed. Unless the dynamics of children is at play. If you measure the misery inflicted on them by the NParent and new supply will be greater than it is now- think twice on your next move.
An NParent who finds a borderline or OD or other dysfunctional to take your place will leave the children with 2 unhealthy people…monsters to deal with …. alone. Every N is in a different level on the spectrum. Know where yours is, know what you’re up against, and do what you know to be best for you and your children in your own particular situation.
Sometimes there’s more to consider than meets the eye.
My daughter is now Free, he died of a brain tumor and we're thankful. She's in recovery now.
Love and blessings ❤🙏
I understand the relief when the abuser is no longer able to abuse especially when it comes to your child.
I hope it hurt every step of the way for him glad she is free
❤❤❤
Damn. That’s harsh. It’s still a human.
The grumpy at events hits so hard. They can't stand to see others do well. The jealousy consumes them.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
It’s a very exhausting, confusing and soul destroying type of relationship, AND the most unhealthy 😔
Overtly narcissistic people are tough to deal with, but at least it’s pretty clear who the enemy is…it’s when you fall in love with a covert narcissist that life changes forever.
100%.
My mother was married to my father for twenty years. She fought constantly, tried to run away, attempted s**cide several times, locked in a mental hospital five months and given shock’s treatments. When released after third psychiatristic appt the doctor said she was normal. My father was the problem. Typical narcissist who gaslighted her big time.
All the work you gotta do and then go around for these people is extremely draining! I understand because on myself was in a relationship where I was married for 25 years just got out! Feels like it was just a one big lie; leading a life, going to prostitutes and transgenders bringing home STDs I’m just glad to be alive. I don’t care if I’m alone alone for the rest of my life.
😭😭😭😭😭 Strong hug to your mom.i can't stop crying just to think what that poor woman would have gone through.
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons Jesus is coming back to pick up his people and children any moment now!🥰As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, manipulations, spill of innocent blood.
We are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊 Events spoken of in the Bible are converging.
Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy!😍Trust in what He did on the cross for us! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
In the days of darkness make sure to stay inside!🙌❤️🥹
Oh my gosh that sounds like my life. Am I your mom? I know they used to do that to many women. Lots of mint call of 5150 on you, and the cops believe them. That means that you're in danger to yourself
When I tell him I need something he does the opposite so I learned to say nothing.
We were once on vacation with another couple and even they noticed. They said why don't to tell us if you want to go to a certain restaurant or place and we will ask him. He will do it then.
I experienced that as well. He would do stuff for others- not me This is so painful 😢
Every single time we went on a vacation or a trip for my business. He would embarrass me treat me like c*** And others notice he's losing that mask. Occasionally, but others notice. Then they tend to distance themselves because they don't know what to do. I've had a couple of people. Tell me sorry. They just couldn't come over from all the stress, so I've just. Thought no one my family's gone passed away. I have no support system. And he knows this he's made the kids to flying monkeys. So I don't have them either. When I lose him. I will lose my family
@@unomeecj❤️🩹 I know something about that. I wish I could help, but know you touched my heart and I wish you healing and love.
It feels awful not standing up for myself, like I'm being unauthentic. But around narcissistic people it's not always worth it. I like the reframe, and that I can remind myself of my reasons. Avoiding consequences (which they will deliver) and the alternative, hearing the narcissist "remind me who I am and who they are." It saves me from their abusive ways and wasted time. This helps a lot. Thank you for the encouragement.
Dr. Ramani, this is the most helpful video I have ever watched because I am stuck in this marriage right now. I cannot leave. I do not play games. I'm a transparent straight shooter but here I am in a marriage where I feel like an actress on a stage playing a role that is not me. It does feel awful. I didn't even know what this WAS until a few months into the marriage he began a crushing silent treatment which made me want to go screaming, climbing the walls, begging him to speak with me. Then I googled and you tubed and learned what I am facing.
I went to therapy for a time and the theme was set boundaries and be kind to myself. Being kind to myself info was helpful but boundaries...boundaries only made him more horrible and actually pushed him into violence.
Dr. Ramani, sometimes, like now, I just begin crying. My life is so far off the rails. I moved thousands of miles to marry him, lost all my friends, my parents have passed, my brother is devoured by a very rough life. I watch your films and consider you one link I have to normalcy. I just want to thank you so much for how you share this information. You have literally saved my life, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
-Rachel
Slowly take your power back. Practicing self-love, self-respect and to value ourselves. Take small steps towards short term goals, then eventually long term goals. Don’t share any of you successes, joys and accomplishments or even any plans with the narcissists in your life. They are never happy for anyone. Their goal is to use and abuse in every way. Save yourself. Every day is a gift from our creator to live our best life and make a difference. Don’t give power to any miserable soul to be a dark cloud over your own life. Narcs never change. My BIL didn’t change rtc in 50 years that he was married to my sister. He believed that he was perfect:(!!! Knowledge is power and Dr Ramani has brought healing and recovery through her videos. I have a lot of respect for her.
Hugs to you Rachel.
@@alicegharibjanians1449 thank you so much, Alice. I am going to start making small goals and celebrating them without telling him at all. He intentionally sabotages whatever I try to do. Intentionally. At first I thought it was just a fluke but then I realized he did it several different times. Several different ways. He means to drag me down. I think it makes him somehow feel better about himself to put me down.
Thank you for your ideas and your support. It means the world.
@@danakelly2948 thank you, Dana. I send hugs back to you too.
Rachel we pray for your protection of spirit and strength. ❤❤
Narcissists stole my health, well i am getting it back!!!! Praying Psalms 1-150🙏🇯🇲🫅👑🌹🩺🌺
Amen ❤️🩹🙏🏽
I thought I was dying 25 years ago when I was married to a diagnosed narcissist on the dark triad. My symptoms were so serious but I recovered quickly once I left.
I adore dr. Ramani , she’s brilliant .
People say, if it’s so bad. Why don’t you leave.
But if you leave, then you are considered the bad person for leaving.
Your damned if you do leave, your damned if you don’t leave.
It’s a no win situation, ALWAYS.
The people who say this dont really care either whether you leave or not. I found out its your very own personal journey and gew show up to support you BUT do it anyway if you feel you have to. You know when you are ready.
It's a small price to pay for the shit you'd save.
It's not bad to leave if it compromises your self respect. Use your brain
Actually, it is a win if you leave. Tune in to your own peace, and preserve it!!
Whatever you do in this world those who want to criticize you will always find a reason to criticize you. Just do what makes you happy.
You are a blessing Dr. Ramani 💛✨
Give in while retaining a sense of self -ugh. Brings up grief, exhaustion , and rumination when realize they won’t change.
It's exhausting. It's better to leave even if you have to pay the price
I didnt just "leave" my narc.
After a brutal 10 year marriage, he announced he was leaving when I was two weeks away from delivering our second child, because he didnt want another child.
After 7 months, when I was getting happy again, he wooed me back.
I left a year later after he lied to me one night after he went into greusome details of his mothers suicide....only to be told it was all a lie after I was crying hysterically, because he wanted to see how I would react.
He allowed me to take one plate, one fork, one spoon, on sheet, one towel in a wagon to live in a trailer 1/4 mile from a water supply in a marina. I still wanted to share custody so I wouldn't deny my kids their dad.
On Christmas Eve, he got drunk n threw me around.
I freaked out n took my girls n fled the state.
He followed us and met my family whom he had isolated me from for 10 years.
The day after our divorce was final, my sister called and told me they were living together and not to worry about my girls. She'd help them! wtf, Aunt Mom???!!!
That lasted 2 years until I stopped caring. He left her 3 months after I honestly did not care anymore.
LEAVING WAS WORTH IT ALL.
The pain he continues to dish out shifted to my grown kids as soon as they attempted to resurrect their relationship.
He's mentally ill.
Me n my girls built a good life.
Therapy helps, it is SELF LOVE that works.
Self Love Recovery Plan is your life jacket.
It may take time to put on, still persevere. It is the most important effort you pursue.
Thanks, Doc.
Great video.
Oh my, you sure have been through so much. Such deep deep pain for you and the girls. I’m glad you got out. Take care of yourself and many loving hugs from afar. Bless you!
❤
God bless you. The pain he caused your family is too much to bear!
Wow. That's quite a story. Do you and your sister still speak to each other? Good riddance to that man. What a POS!
D@MN!!!
"Your good news is their shame activator", so true! I have experienced this over and over again, in various relationships with narcissists (including my mother, sister, and certain boyfriends). I feel sad looking back and remembering times when I wanted to share something good in my life with a loved one, only to be met with indifference, passive aggressiveness, or the silent treatment. It was so confusing to me at the time, but now I understand what was going on.
They don't care if you suffer but if you shine they're jealous. It keeps us small and a tuck along side them. Mental enslavement
My husband LOVES to walk around at events at my work and act like HE is the one being honored! Or if I'm getting an award he will commandeer the spotlight and tell everyone how proud he is of me and how he has supported me all along. It;s all I can do not to barf.
I spent months wanting the old version of him back until I realized it was just a facade, he always left me drained and every time we split and got back together he became meaner, your content helped me get out and understand the situation. thank you, God bliss you!
Thieves of joy 😢
Ain’t this the truth!!
My narcissistic mother is 89 years old. She has/has had kidney disease, breast cancer, bladder cancer, melanoma, heart disease, hip replacement, dental issues…the list goes on and on. She is wealthy and “gets” that money is power and control. I do what I do for my kids and my sister’s kids (she, herself, went no contact years ago and has been disowned, adding validity to my fears). I know I am suffering. I know I have options. I’m 15 years in to this ordeal and I feel like the irony would be if I quit now, she disowned me and the children, and then died. So I continue on, begging God to take her. My best friend jokingly says that when she passes we will celebrate with champagne and a rousing chorus of “ding dong the witch is dead”. It may be macabre humor but it does help.
I feel the same. Tons of illness and accidents she just won’t die!
The only narcissistic relationship that you should keep and will work is the one with your narcissistic cat.
LIMIT your interactions with them (time, energy, presence, and finance)‼️
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries‼️
They’re ruthless‼️
Youre so right but im finding it sooo hard
Was just having a conversation with my son about his narc father who I divorced and he hasn't been in touch with our son in over 15 years.
I was saying that on the days where everything was going one thousand percent HIS way, when there were no conflicts or challenges with the world...he was perfectly happy to be happy. And things would be good.
But let one tiny little challenge come into the day and that 'peace in the valley' was over and life was a nightmare.
So glad he's out of our lives.
I'm trying to make it "work" while i plan my escape without the narcissist knowing. It's incredibly difficult to see her everyday. Having to have conversations like I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with. The anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. And I suffer it in silence. I have about 4 months to go. Ughhh.
I wish you well in your escape, and please take the time you need to take precautions to keep yourself safe. I understand the anxiety! I remember when I was planning to leave my husband, I couldn't leave until I had certain things in place. It was overwhelming to have to deal with going on "as norma", when I knew what was coming, and counting down the months and days.
You can do it! Just keep your eyes on your freedom, and take each day as it comes, until you can leave for good.
Hugs and lots of them. Hugs, hugs, hugs…. Hang on.❤️
@@christinelamb1167 You have no idea how much it means to me to hear from someone who's experienced the exact same thing. I'm in therapy behind her back. Coping stuff. But it feels good to hear from someone who "knows it. " Thank you. You made my day.
@@Charlie-bc6yg Big hugs, fellow traveler! 🤗
Wow
The skills gained are priceless my dear....
I had an alcoholic narcissist hound me for years due to the fact that we were friends when we were younger. He was like a wet blanket, and I finally got him to leave me alone, but it wasn't easy.
He would blame me for not expressing my needs. Then disagreed with me when I expressed the need to have him ask permission before entering my personal space. It was too much effort on his part, because he could not fathom why I needed that boundary. For so long, I have blamed myself for not standing up to him more strongly. This video helps me forgive and understand myself better.
My father let me know many times I was mentally ill for having that boundary.
Omg this is my narcissistic mother. After legal issues and financial trouble I have to live with her and she can't seem to fathom why I wouldnt want her to enter my room before I'm awake (to tell me something or say hello to my dog) and wake me up in the process, usually an hour before my alarm.
I am still dumbfounded how she cannot fathom why I would not want my sleep disrupted and MORE DUMBFOUNDED how she is literally incapable of respecting this boundary after me trying to enforce it for over a year!
I cannot wait to get the fuck outta this place
No one can steal your empathy and compassion. Narcissists have a free will and make their choices, clearly evil ones.
Narcissists ABSOLUTELY can and, often times, do steal their victim's empathy. I've had this happen to me. When you've been through a lifetime of constantly being the only one in the relationship that empathizes and validates the other person's feelings, then you come to the reality of what has been happening, this realization can lead you into defense-mode which is natural as well as healthy. Unconsciously, one of my defense-mechanisms wound up being a lack of empathy for my abuser or. That's how it started, but that lack of empathy slowly wound up spreading to others that I felt threatened by of them being potentially narcissists, too. I, eventually, became aware of what I was doing because I am a self-reflective person and disregarding others' feelings is not something that makes me feel good. So, I checked myself and consciously stopped behaving in a way that was unempathetic, but it did happen to me. I was mean for a time period. I was in fight-mode and it was all part of the process of my healing.
The Twilight Zone episode was actually a tyrannical boy played by Billy Mumy* and it is called “ It’s a Good Life”. Truly one of their most intense ones.
That was the episode I was thinking of where the whole town is scared of him and everyone agrees with him because they fear they will be banished to the field and the guy at the birthday party doesn't agree with him and is transformed into a jack-in-the-box.
Lifetime codependent here; attracted narcissist starting with my father. 55 and realizing it, but I’ve isolated and spent 4 months in a tent with my loving dogs and the beauty of nature enveloping us. I’m tired so tired!
🤗 hugs!!!!
Best of luck. There are many options for you that don't include the narcissist!
I'm also 55 years old. My parents were both narcissists. Really screwed me up. Keep picking narcissistic sociopaths and psychopath assholes. I've been married to one for 30 years.
Just know, I'm in the canoe with ya girlfriend.
@@WitchyHocusPocus thank you! I’m sorry you’re in the canoe but happy I’m not alone. Do you isolate too?
@@MelissaJaneBrantley YES! I am an introvert bad!
Sooo true. Always spoil any family or special night. Also I refrained from tell I had suspected breast cancer as I would have to deal with him having more or worse or bigger problems than mine. When I did have to tell him he only reaction was to resent he wasn’t 1st to know & no support was forthcoming 😢. But it all turned out ok. Thank goodness.
I remember when my x narc would look at me and sometimes say “you just want to fight”. I was sitting there quietly, minding my own. Id look at him in wide eye surprise and say “What??? I dont want a fight!” But he did and it was “game on”, gaslighting, name calling, stonewalling…….he was incapable of peace. IM SO GLAD I WENT NO CONTACT.
Omg!! Yes!!!!!! And the sickest thing I would think, "Was I looking for a fight?" when I was literally not doing anything.
😢
I went NO CONTACT in 2021 with my x narc. He is still harassing me with emails weekly after 3 years. I block the address, he makes a new address. I thought it would end by now, These narcissists are a bloody nightmare.
My nex used to say that to me too. It's projection.
I tried for years to make it work and show him how much I loved him. Finally I see him as a neglectful narcissist who uses me then ignores and discards me over and over and over. I'm ready to get off the roller-coaster
That's why a narcissistic relationship is so bad - not because it's bad all the time, but because it's manipulative.
I am trying to get out of a 12 year relationship with a narc …it is probably the most difficult experience I have ever had in my life and some days I feel I just want to give up 😭 😓
Same here, only I've been in it 30 years. It's brutal!
Me too. Over 30 years. @@annjohnson8437
@@annjohnson8437I feel stuck, like I don’t have any gas left in the tank.
It took me 25 years. I left with four little kids and nothing and soon after became disabled.
No matter how intense the struggle is, it is way better than staying.
It takes a long time to re learn how to live.
But it is the greatest thing ever to live free!
I left, he moved in w my sister.
Expect the most outrageous when you leave.
Just Leave, YOU CAN MAKE IT.
Him moving in w her was a favor, I could never go back after that.
I focused on healing my own self esteem and created a wonderful life for me n my 2 girls.
Now, 30 years later, he attempts to manipulate my kids, who are both still hurt they don't have a real dad.
The void of having a narcissistic father or mother can only be filled with self-love.
"Keeping the trains on time" is a good analogy.
The narcissists in my life all attempt to compete with me instead of being happy for my achievements. ( I've stopped wondering why. ). . In addition, they manage to take delight in any of my failures. Instead of truly offering support at a time of need, they bring up your failures at family functions so they can feel better about themselves. Yes, narcissists do rob you of joy and a sense of self-worth. ( and lots of money.) Couldn't have said it better. My heart goes out to people who are also subjected to malignant narcissistic behavior.
SO TRUE!
Part of my family is exactly like this!
"You can be happy, but not too happy", they basically HATE to see you doing well without them, to see that you have confidence or that you simply know your worth. And yes, it feels like they're just waiting till you fail, so they can prove how they're right and you're wrong.
Perfectly said they never like us succeed and never felt bad when we suffer
If run away not possible don’t expect them to share your feelings
Never share your good things to them never ever just stop else they will eat your success as a snack
I lost a year with my last relationship and I have sworn, "Never again."
I am 68 and time is too precious.
These people do not show anyone who they are at first.
If only I had know what narcissism was 35 years ago. I would have distanced myself from my parents and not married my husband. My whole life would have been different. And way bettter.
Me too
Understand
Wish I know of you years ago!!!!! Sadly my mother, father, and all siblings are all narcissist. Years of hell!
Great video thank you!
When I gave birth to my first son, laying in the hospital bed, the viciously narc sibling ran up to me CRYING 😢 but it wasn't happiness... the tears were more sad, weirdly contemptuous and fake. Not truly happy for me. I shall never forget that moment.
Over the years she NEVER cultivated a relationship with him, her nephew. He is now in his thirties.
It’s such a hopeless state, life was soo pointless @ times. He couldn’t be ok that I didn’t want to spend all my feee time with him. I needed to belong to what he belonged to or there was punishment. I’m still amazed being with friends in good relationships to see how free they are. I’m out now but it took 4 decades & the effects are still showing up but I’m aware & change what I can. Thank you for your sharing, most people have no idea how CRAZY it was. It really is unbelievable what gradually happens.
WOW!!! You explained my 23 year marriage.
He never appreciated a thing about me I started to forget myself and who I am because there he was calling me things I wasn't ...I learned the importance of self-love and esteem
It is hard work but I think it’s worse to ignore it and try to put on a happy face.
i do that also. healthy breaks ar eimportant for self reflection and other things
been tapping out of arguments even though what was said wasn't true. Just to not argue. I even began to enjoy getting the silent treatment just because I get peace of mind in solitude
I did this and didn't stick to it and feel like a failure now
I just close my eyes look the other way or stare at him and pray silently when he goes on and on talking at me about how crazy I am when he’s the one going off on me …
just keep at it. These narcs gotta pattern. they'll be back on some bs again
I just hate the brain damage staying has caused me, but I see no way out
You can do it! Get help on the low and leave while you can.
broke, can't have friends, can't have a lot of things that might help a person leave. I have my own income, but It's small, imagined expenses happen. risking getting kicked out on the street is a big risk when no one rents to single ladies.
I agree with Dr. RAM...💐on..: ..LOSE THE BATTLES, WIN THE WARS ..PERIOD..
"Psychological hostage", that's a more accurate label than "victim."
Think my narcissistic mother produced the twilight zone as she removed all our voices as children & remained steadfast at keeping each of us under her control for as far back as I can remember
There was never any joy in our home growing up & then I married a malignant narcissist & what fooled me was his sense of humour
What I didn't realise was that everyone got laughed at even other people's misfortune was sneered at
I am so happy to be divorced and no contact & I have very low contact with elderly mother
I have to stay no contact with ex & low contact with the parent as otherwise the "woosh" could possibly set in & I could just fall back into old empathetic behaviours without thinking
It's what I do to continue to protect myself & remain narcissist resistant
Thank you for your daily guidance, DrRamini. I got educated on this channel and love being a part of this community ❤
I stayed because I didn't know he is narcissistic 26 years ago. I have 'yellow rocked ' so much that I don't recognize myself anymore. Because I am not like that in reality.
My work environment is as nasty as can be.
On the Eclipse day last week I got chastised for enjoying the moment. My work environment is a family operation and they are ALL into conspiracy theories and stuff. Anything real I purpose for a discussion is downsized to the minimal. I will have to find somewhere else to work, My health is at stake !
It's hard to tell someone that they're in a toxic relationship, especially a guy who is being abused by a woman. Denial and cognitive dissonance is powerful. Defense mechanism is to blame themselves or the truth teller. Not my responsibility to help them through when they start blaming me.
I got angry with people at my church for telling me that. After my so-called (toxic) friends and Christian mentors outside the church betrayed me, revealing their true nature, I've had to eat crow and tell my church they were right. I'm so glad they were willing to tell me the truth. Don't give up hope.
I have given up hope, it's easier after all these years of nothing and being scapegoated, I have accepted that not everyone is strong enough to push back against abuse...
I have been a victim of a narcissist for 39 years. I didn't understand what was going on, why I've been treated like trash all of this time.
Since doing research I now realise that it's not me with the problem, it's her.
After 27 years I finally and happily left a toxic marriage. Years of marriage counseling, individual therapy, plus my own research; then finally a therapist told me about Narcissistic personality.
Two religioous told me to get out of the marriage otherwise I would become as sick as my husband.
After going through dissolving the marriage I faced myself in the mirror one morning saying, “ Wecome back, you have been missed!”
Yes, it does get exhausting standing up for yourself and your values with the narc is EXHAUSTING!
Dr R this is one of your most helpful videos- The concept of feeling “Empowered” by tactically giving in and not experiencing codependency and self loathing in not taking a stand sometimes is brilliant and certainly necessary for survival.
Thank you.
I’m hearing you dr Ramani …… it’s just what I’m doing after 48 years of being with this narc & is a relief cos I’m getting a lot of people who say… just leave. I have decided to choose my arguments! Thank you. 💕 for your wise words.
I really identify with a lot of this, especially when at 31:24 she starts talking about what we recognize about ourselves when around the narcissist and how it affects our outlook. I feel like this has made a lot more negative than I am at heart. Sad thing is that every time I have resolved to put an end to it, something happens (latest is recovering from Covid and it's after effects). Most days it feels like I just need to accept that this is my lot and just deal with it. Getting too old to escape the black hole.
It’s never too late. The thing is, if you ever get out, the only true regret you will have is that you didn’t get out sooner.
I declined my narc relatives taking me out for my 50th bday
I seem to be the only one who knows how they are going to make it unpleasant. To them, being obnoxious is their way of life
It really sux that this is how it is
Theft. 💯 TY Dr Ramani!!
🎯🎯🎯
I got good grades, but I was still labelled the bad child.
Every child in my family were suspended from school, but nobody did anything to them. No consequences, no attacks, no disciplinary action towards them, nothing.
I was never suspended from school, but I was attacked constantly and blamed for all the problems I the family.
Hello, I know how you feel, I'am praying for you, in Jesus name, amen 🙏❤
I’m so sorry you had to grow up in that environment. I hope you are now safe and free from that abuse.
NC with my mother. It's draining. Nobody believes me bc "you spent so much time with her, it couldn't be that terrible."
❤I know what you are going through. I finally stayed away 17 years and got a life. Never again.
I have a request for a video..one specifically about financially exploitive narcissists and how this can make their partners feel responsible for their very survival as a way to trap their partners in the relationship.
I remember that Twilight Zone episode! Yes, it is a great analogy for dealing with a tyrant narcissist.
Thank you Dr Ramani, I can't express how much you have empowered me to deal with the narcissistic person in my life.
Dr. R, I don't know where I would be without your thoughts and information and insight. I carry my Dr.R toolkit with me everywhere!!!
Leave before they wish (discard) you into the cornfield.
I have just started looking into narcissism over the last few months, i believe that my wife is a narc she seems to fit all the markers but I keep finding myself questioning whether she’s a narc as soon as Im at the point of certainty. We dated for a year before we married and she was perfect before the “I do” then on our honeymoon it was a 180 change, the first 8 years were a living hell, I literally couldn’t do anything right, I couldn’t put the right clothes on the kids, I always fed them the wrong food etc.. I remember I got a letter in the mail stating that I might be going to war, so I was a bit stressed so I was smoking in the doorway of the porch and not all the way outside because it was raining and she came home and started yelling at me for smoking in the doorway, I explained the situation and she said “oh well that’s what you signed up for deal with it”. She get extremely upset when I don’t buy exactly what she approves of, I have to ask her if it’s ok to buy anything or she gets upset, if I buy the smallest thing like vitamins or a more expensive laundry detergent she get really upset. If I get gas at a gas station that she doesn’t approve of she gets mad, she questions everything I purchase (mind you she is a stay at home wife/mom). If we (the kids and I) don’t do what she wants when she wants or if we don’t think and say what she wants she get extremely angry. Vacations are miserable because of her control obsession. We home school our children but all she does is print out a bunch of packets but leaves it up to them to get it done( she doesn’t do them with them) and she takes them to a co-op. She doesn’t do any cleaning and doesn’t make sure the kids bathe and most nights she has the older kids make dinner (because I work 2nd shift), I do all the cooking on the weekends, I do all the laundry, I change the sheets I do the house cleaning, I do all the yard work, I do all the repairs around the house and to the cars. She is a slob, she only showers maybe once a week. She spends most of her free time on her phone playing games or shopping and she will spends hours on the toilet. The kids tell me when I’m not home all she does is yell and curse and then go up to our room and stay there the rest of the day. She will tell me how much she misses me and loves me but when I’m home she is either ignoring/not paying any mind to me, in the bathroom or upstairs in our room because she is either tired or stressed. She will gaslight me often and she loves to deflect and never genuinely takes responsibility for anything it’s always someone else’s fault, she has rules for her and a different set of rules for everyone else. But she can also be kind and nice or so it seems and it can seem as though she has empathy and compassion. The only time it seemed to be good in our marriage was about 8-9 years ago when I got her to start to live as God asked us to in his word, that lasted for about 7years but now I’m thinking it was because I did as God said and would forgo my wishes as I thought it was good to give in to all she wanted and said. I have been trying to exit but I get this sense of dread and anxiety and extreme fear so I abandon it and run back to her, it all seems much better as soon as I run back the fear and anxiety goes away and I just repeat that cycle. I think I am trama bonded and codependent. But I don’t know if I’m right or not. So I’m not sure if she’s a narcissist or not.
Your children are telling you their mother is abusive when you are gone. Do something about it and protect them.
@@amberinthemist7912 thank you for this reply, it helps give me strength. One of my fears is that if I divorce their mother she will get custody and then they won’t have me in the house to offset her behavior or she will have some other man who might be just like her.
@josephgranberg2305 I wish I could tell you those fears would be unfounded.
Please at least start with talking to a therapist and a lawyer. Please get your kids therapy that your wife cannot control (make sure you take them, not her narcs love ruining therapy for their kids).
If you got partial custody at least your house could be a safe space.
Whatever you label her, it sounds like a really bad situation. School might be an option for the kids. Get them away. Just a suggestion. Stayed until mine was out of school but not as bad as your situation. Lawyer is a great idea. School could support you to get custody? Don't know.
Oh, if you're wife is on the phone in the toilet for long periods of time, that may have a potential 3rd party involved as a 'supplier' . I'm sorry to be negative as such, but your wife might be up to something. My advice, try to stay calm, don't ask your wife on asking why she's spending too much time on the phone, but keep both eyes on her like a hawk because narcs are very well developed planners without notifying you. So to me, your wife's up to something. Just be mentally ready for a possible discard on you if you figured out about her. Also do some research about NPD'S enough you could easily see her more of red flags. Also, make sure change your bank account if you own a joint account, anything you have accounts and your personal info from you, I'll would changed them ASAP. Like I said, narcs are discreet diabolical planners. Best of luck to you.
PS; hope you get a good lawyer in case of a divorce trial. It might get nasty.
Thank you for posting this video. Ive been married to one for 25years. I just realized in the last couple weeks that this is not normal. Such a great great video. This answered so many questions i have
I have lived with my Dad for 25 years. I believe my Dad is narcissistic. My dad is verbally abusive to me. I live with him. I am in my 40's now and him his 70's. My siblings call me a liar, call me names and ignore me when I tell them how he treats me. He threatens to evict me at the drop of a hat. He threatens to cut me out of the will at the same time. I would be homeless. My income is not enough to support myself. I feel hopeless.
Indeed you cannot win with the narcissist 😢
Thank you Dr Ramani.
Ever since I have been following you , everything suddenly makes sense.
It was so very hard to explain to people close to me what I was going through ..
You are like if you are light in a dark room..the knowledge you impart is so very powerful, helps one to stay one step ahead, instead of constantly reacting all the time.
That gap gap,that pause is sometimes all that is needed to retain your sanity
Thank you so much for all your valuable work .
Im clueless when we have to make it work. I randomly go through it with muddled head.
Recognise the signs and traits of the narcissist.
Avoid them if possible/at all costs.
I hate grey-rocking! Thanks, Dr Ramani...you finally said it. Love your videos. You are a wonderful soul
Watching these videos are not only educational, they are therapeutic. It's as if Dr Ramani has a front row seat to my toxic narcissistic marriage.
As I try to educate myself on narcissism and dealing with my narcissistic wife, I've come to the disheartening revelation that it has sidetracked me on my own personal growth. Achieving my career goals and developing internal peace has eluded me while I deal with nonstop drama and chaos.
Thanks for your professional insight. To be able to manage. Life is hard enough. This helpful.
Yes, the waiting and waiting. I’m waiting for the opportunity to get up out of this. I had some setbacks, but it’s for a bigger comeback. I tired of losing myself, time, life and my happiness. The amount of disrespect she has done to me and being belittled to the lowest point. I’m so so so done her and all of the cheating and lies honestly. Im so exhausted and just mentally tired. I don’t even trying to explain it anymore because I see what it fully is. It’s a devil parade. I’m not marching to that band anymore. I’m looking forward to walking out of that door. I don’t care hard it might be leaving because staying is worse. I’ve been going through this med it get know worse than what it continues to be currently. All I know I will be free for this chaos.
Make your plans secretly, only confide in one or two people. The more you tell, the less steam you'll have to leave.
It doesn't need to be a perfect plan because the narc will blow it all up when you leave.
The fear of failure keeps you paralyzed.
Just know that leaving my not be smooth.
Going grey is harder than leaving.
You stay because he fills a void in your heart. Leaving opens it back up.
All of that is ok.
You can recover, and you can fill the void w daily acts of self-love.
Mine did me a favor and crossed one too many lines. After I left,my sister called and told me he moved in w her the day after our divorce was final, while I was at work!
As harsh as it was then, he did me a huge favor.
I could never go back after that.
I share this story to encourage you to understand its his mental illness, not yours.
Good luck with your Self Love Recovery. That is your lifeboat.
🤗 hugs of support.
Learn and practice EFT ("tapping", Emotional Freedom Technique) . Brad Yates is a great coach here on YT.
Tapping helped me recover my self esteem and gave me the strength to go non contact.
Good luck.
daughter of and sister to narcissists here.... and this video in particular really helps. thank you.
I stopped going to my sister's house because I really feel like I can't be myself. I don't like who I am at her house. I feel like I can't really share the things I was to express. She'll minimize and invalidate everything I say, or she'll find a way to criticize it. Other times it's like she conveniently gets distracted while I'm talking to her. For years I couldn't figure out why I always felt anxious around her but yes everything you said in this video was 100% true but she has been very subtle and more passive aggressive in recent years. I barely visit her now, if not for my niece I would go no contact.
Yup, that's my dad. Took me YEARS to realize this was his pattern -- so supportive and curious when my life was challenging, completely and utterly disinterested when I had something awesome to share. Or he'd turn it back on himself. Ah well. Low contact works.
Dear Dr Ramani, I just want to thank you so much for bravely revisiting your awful experience at university when a young woman. It was when you were on the talks with the CEO. I could see your pain and was so disappointed with the response you got from him after you had shared something so traumatic. He showed no empathy! Bless you Dr Ramani and thank you for all your hard work and for educating us on such a vital issue affecting so many of us.
In every words you are describing my life for 45 years thank you I was lost
It’s beyond exhausting it literally makes you seek 😢and be around it all the time constantly berated
My husband is a covert narcissist and I am totally dependent upon him . Related to money place to live . I am living in a nice home with certain amount of money which is given by him .
You are 100 % right if i keep on praising him even he is miss behaving with me than the silent treatment and mistreatment become normal .
Great video Dr Ramani! Would love a podcast on how female narcs treat other women. There’s so much about how they control men/partners but very little about how they treat other women they are jealous of etc
Trust her. All truth!!
Thanks Doctor Ramani 🤍
I have spent my life trying to save for retirement, while she spent, spent spent, until we could afford a decent retirement for 2.
My cancer diagnosis forced retirement.
Her control worsened.
I have given in, I am doing all these things.
We cannot separate, as we do not have enough to build 2 households, so we are still together.
I am waiting to die.
Choose yourself guys! It’s not worth your time capitulating to ppl who will never be happy no matter what you do. It’s taken a concerted effort to not swoop in to help or fix things for the narcissists in my life (at the suggestion of others who have recognized my being abused by the narcissists). It’s too easy to change yourself and your habits to accommodate so that either things get done or there isn’t a narc tantrum or rage. I’ve more quickly realized how much my self confidence took a hit and how I arranged my life around to just simply avoid them or avoid their wrath. What is more recently hitting me is how vital it is to stop wasting my energy and time doing so. And just how much their behavior has affected not only my life, but even the people who wanted to be in my life more but couldn’t because so many narcissists were prohibiting that in so many ways. They create devastation in their wake. They really do.
Realising this myself. 13 years wasted trying to appease a child.
I go thru this. Don't share good news or I piss them off. Leave them out of it, piss them off. Avoid them is only solution. Danged if do, danged if dont.