The 3 SIGNS You're Dealing With A Narcissist & How To SET BOUNDARIES! | Dr. Ramani & Jay Shetty
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- Опубліковано 25 кві 2024
- Today, I am talking to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She is an author of several books including Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist, and “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. The focus of Dr. Durvasula’s clinical, academic and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations.
Dr. Ramani shares her studies about narcissism and our narcissistic tendencies. She and I talk about how our personalities define how we act with people and around people, why narcissists are resistant to change and to how deal with one, the truth about gaslighting and why it is so unhealthy to the person at the receiving end, and why we shouldn't misplace our hopes in others and instead place it on ourselves.
What We Discuss:
00:00:00 Intro
00:03:11 When did narcissism become a study of focus?
00:07:06 Narcissism is a very quiet condition
00:12:45 Awareness and discomfort
00:19:37 How do people end up with a narcissistic personality?
00:26:25 Narcissists can be very attractive
00:33:26 The concept of multiple truths
00:36:40 Love bombing
00:41:08 The real meaning of gaslighting
00:47:05 Dealing with a gaslighter
00:53:35 “I can change this person.”
01:00:07 Ultimate healing from a narcissistic relationship
01:04:31 Setting healthy boundaries
01:06:49 Adopting narcissistic patterns to be able to fight back
01:09:20 Misplaced hope
I was married to one for 38 years. I became very sick and like a mad person. I blamed myself. I realized just 2 years ago after the divorce. Thanks to to all your podcasts and a few others. Thanks for the realization of this condition. Today I am physically healed 80 percent.thanks all of you 🙏🏻
How did you get out? I’m not financially stable to leave and I’m the one that made this home paying fit what I’ve worked hard for.
@@alicialavea-qt2en nothing is worth making yourself miserable. My dear. Once you decide the universe will find a way.
Believe me I just wanted him out and he walked out.
@@meenakshisalve.7433 i guess that’s what stops me, i can’t see a way out financially. I’m the kind of person that needs to be stable first and ready si the way around with cushion
@@alicialavea-qt2en ua-cam.com/video/ZYRWm1bCsPA/v-deo.html
50:50 Don’t Go DEEP:
🚫 Don't Defend
🚫 Don't Engage
🚫 Don't Explain
🚫 Don't Personalize
I like DEEP technique. It's easy to remember and easy to put into practice.
Best reply ever
Yes absolutely!!!!
I always tell them whatever. That way I'm not agreeing or arguing. It worked because they didn't know what to say. I knew I was dealing with a different animal all these years.
The last one is where I struggle. Not making it personal is very hard.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
❤ better free and struggling but can laugh and enjoy the little things then be in a prison. I feel you. I'm free....after 20 yrs. Feels darn good! But now I'm working on putting my life and my kids future in place towards a happy one!
Your story is so much like mine and yes once you move on and focus on yourself life is seen in a different light and now I am able to cut off those people who try to get into my life at the earliest possible time before it progresses to anything more… I can see the narcissist from the simple things they say even they think it’s just a joke or something trivial
Whats this on the last sentence here...is this real? I'm in middle of similar situation and loosing my mind... im now living back with my Mother at age 40 w my 8yr old son,:( totally not where ide planned when busting my butt in college for 6 years...hes caused me to loose jobs, friends, family even, I've been so isolated my child has never seen me with 1 friend other than his dad. He's done serious betrayals that no matter what he won't admit he's doing and has done. I need the validation for me, I don't care about proving anything to anyone else I need my sanity back. And that last little sentence there is something that might help me.
Andriod or just iPhone cus from what ive learned researched its only iphones
Could we say that genuine/sincere and kind people are the narcissist's kryptonite and thus the narcissist's number one target?
Kryptonite weakens Superman though...
@recoveringsoul755 Hence why they feel attacked and will ultimately be defeated going after the good ones 😂
@@happyhappyjoyjoy9795 I was so confused with that notification, because I have a playlist (hidden) with your name!! I put short dancing videos on there from Luke Mind Power
I'm not sure if this kryptonite will ever win in the end. Not much left of me.
@@recoveringsoul755 Wizow and many thanks for your response 🌟 I had no idea 9795 was added to the end of my name 🤔 You having the power of Kryptonite ensures you will always come thru shining on the other side 🌟
More like they feed on us. Even people like my Husband who is not a full blown Narcissist (he is capable of empathy and will occasionally admit that he was wrong… like hours later) he is self centered and has a high level of narcissistic traits. Definitely a wounded inner child and just generally lacks the ability to create his own joy, so he steals mine. He leaches off my light even though he doesn’t mean me any harm. Selfishly he does not work on himself enough to stop this cycle and it’s literally sucking the life out of me. I keep trying to outshine the dynamic but when I turn and look at his flat expression my smile can’t help but fade. He is completely unable to accept criticism no matter how gentle and launches a full scale counter attack every single time even when it’s something that he himself has admitted having a problem with in the past. He throws back the equivalent of “I know you are, but what am I” like a 12 year old. He lacks empathy in many but not all scenarios so he’s not very emotionally supportive or caring but he is trying to improve. Question is, is it sustainable?
The ability to say "No" is a superpower to expose narcissistic energy.
If I say no won't that start a problem? I guess I should try it out
@@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire Define "problem". No is a superpower because it is you setting boundaries. When identifying a narcissist early.... Boundaries is the only way to go because their whole agenda is to overstep your boundaries to suit their desires. This lets you know to be like Trinity and dodge that bullet. If you're already involved with a narcissist your only road out toward emotional health and removing yourself from their life (because they rarely voluntarily leave yours) begins with boundaries and personal empowerment.
To answer you directly YES....expect the narc to not like or respond well to you telling them NO AND MEANING IT. You cannot appease the narcissist. You can only mislead them to believe they are in control long enough to get out of a situation but games are their superpower I don't recommend attempting to beat them at their own game.
I was married to a covert narcissist for 9 years and have a 7 year old daughter. The biggest red flag for me in the beginning was the love bombing and moving extremely fast. Why I stayed so long? I found out after I left what a narcissist was…and the connection. I’m used to manipulation. My mom and sister did it for years. Learning about narcissism has helped me tremendously. I’m so mad at myself but I’m learning to forgive me like I did for everyone else in the past. I loss so much in 9 years but I never stopped working on my dreams but I was like God come one I’m working so hard here. I knew I was going to leave but I was planning it out. Well, nothing was working out for me financially and one day I just told him it was over and to leave. I HAD NOTHING AND NO ONE TO HELP ME. Literally the next week I got the a job as a Web Designer (Government contract) and my blessings have been pouring in big time. I’m still in survival mode but I’m working on getting out of that and healing my trauma. I do Uber eats in the morning and a web designer at night. All while working on my credit, and applying for other web site jobs. I refuse to let him win. I refuse to let my mother win. The old me died the day he discarded me. But he discarded me after I told him it was over so he kept doing things to hurt me. The best thing I did was separate from him, my mom and my sister. Now it’s time to heal and rebuild.
The old me died the day I walked away from all of them. They will never know (care.. acknowledge) how absolute that was/is or what it took.. 35+ years of all of it - I cannot believe it took so long to realize! They absolutely would not know the new me. 💪💃💪🙏🌻
@@aROOK1776 Same here. And, they would still reject the new, healthy me and be shocked. And, that is okay by me.❤️❤️🌟
I resonate so deeply with all of this 🙌 sending you lots of love & plenty of virtual hugs 🤗
@@aROOK1776 that’s the hard part. Looking back it’s like why did it take so long to realize what was going on. We’re not manipulators though so we’re loving someone while they’re abusing us. It’s going to make us so much stronger moving forward. 💕
@@thebakedbutterflyofficial thank you and same to you. 💕
I was waking up with crisis of anxiety every morning for 4 months without knowing why. Thanks to my journaling practice I was able to identify all the patterns of my narcissistic ex. Little by little I started planning to leave him and I did. Has been the best decision of my life. If you are in a relationship like this. Keep strong and start making the little steps to put yourself in a safer, better place. My prayers are with you ❤
Can you give some details about your journaling practise in think it could be helpful
Every word from Dr. Ramani is just gold. I have to listen over and over again so that I can cultivate this into myself and protect myself.
Yupp same. 🙂
I do it toov❤
I observed changes in me
Those videos does helps my inconscient to uncovert old lies or wrong beliefs like I'm not strong enough, I'm to fearfull, I'm abused thince I'm a child and my life with Narcs simed to be a Curse ( I was a prepared meal for Narcs).
Even if I'm still living with Him it is a question of time till I moove out because I see no other way than to go through and also take care of my childhood Traumas, the roots of my crazy fears.
And I'm not at the begining, I'm on the finish run 🎉 fear is with me and I'm training it to tallk only when there's Real Danger, because living in fear all the time is a silent but ultraviolent killer and for the first time in my life I See a Real Chance to build my dream life and I have nothing to loos and all to win.
I didn't know I could be a Rock and now it's my favorite and He doesn't know how to make me give him suply and what ever he do I show anything.
I took all trust from him and look at him as a Covert Narc and all takes sense and he is no more unpredictible.
I reconaze my life, all that is familiar and brings peace ❤❤❤🎉
Narcissistic and abusive relationships work on the same brain principles as a drug addiction. Just enough to keep you hooked. But the lows are TERRIBLE. Don't judge people who "stay with the abuser". Often the abuser keeps them terrified of leaving, and they are scared to - for good reason!
I totally agree
Definitely 💯 believe this!!
Leave.... AT ALL COSTS! COURAGE FIRST ALWAYS... from experience.
Agreed
It’s never that simple. Some people have that epiphany some never do.Narcissists like to keep‘Victims’ barefoot and pregnant! ( maybe a shitty analogy). Much love ❤️.
I remember when I was still living with my narc ex husband that I felt a dark spiritual cloud over my head, and all I could think was, "I need to get back to being me." When I filed my restraining order and moved out, that's when I began to heal.
Well done 👏
Yes I experienced the same “ dark cloud “ My young sons and me would be happy and relaxed at home , but when my husband came home it was as if a dark cloud descended on us and remained there for the rest of the evening. I could never explain this phenomenon until I heard Dr Ramani’s talks on narcissism. 😢
Same ❤
Years ago, I gave my husband a new name "Dark Cloud". That's how I would refer to him to coworkers or family. I stopped because I realized it's not nice to call people names. But I have called him way worse because of him and his baiting. FINALLY after 40 years with him learned about these personality disorders. Loved this video❤
I get it. I call it dark matter.
There’s so much power in staying at surface level with people like this. It’s imperative.
Yesssss, agreed. And it takes a certain disciplined awareness and resolution to uphold the boundary when they are giving you the nice person routine after another cycle of nonsense. Sometimes I feel mean and unforgiving by choosing civilsed indifference but oh well, so be it.
Thank you so much for saying that. I needed that reminder. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so it's been very clear that I am extremely Disturbed and upset. I keep getting asked what's going on and I just keep saying that I'm not in a place where I'm going to be able to discuss that. I'm painfully aware that he's not asking because he actually cares that I'm hurt. He's really asking because he doesn't like how unpleasant he feels about my mood. If he can get me to open up, he can then discuss the millions of ways that all of it is my fault and none of it is his so his unpleasant feeling can stop. That simple. I'm so empathic though that I could never relate to that. And I'm glad I don't. But I excuse myself to shed tears on a daily basis in private because I know that's truly the monster I'm dealing with.
44:35: I literally just burst into tears because this was ME. Taking the blame for things I hadn’t even done or things that didn’t even happened “yet”. Wow I am so happy to be out of that relationship and to feel like myself again.
That's me!
Happy healing to you. Tears are helping you release emotions
I am DONE!! So thankful I finally got Strength and Courage to leave. I realized I was fed up being empathetic and loving someone who didn't love themselves. I realized I LOVE Me More...Than I loved him. I Am FREE to be ME!! I was married to this Monster/Demon for 20 months. My future is BRIGHT because I forgave him and forgot about him!!
Thank you Jesus!!
That was me living a life of total anxiety. I’m out and my life is beautiful. Peaceful and calm.
So happy for you, it’s been 4 years no contact and I’m still not who I was before I met the man. But then again I was in a different phase of my life (late 20s) then I am now (late 30s)… one things for sure is that i no longer have rose coloured glasses on. Those will stay off forever
This made me cry. I grieve for my younger innocent sweet self. Much stronger now. Life is good. Thank God for therapists 🙏🏼♥️
I literally said I finally want to be heard and seen. About 2 weeks ago. I am 60 and recovering from a covert narcissist relationship. It was only 9 months long before I saw the cycle of abuse and went no contact. 9 plus months I am still doing my childhood trauma healing as a result of this relationship. I am thankful for that.
Good to know as I am 55 and I am thinking of going to that place too.
Lisa Stewart: Don’t Give Up😀 the Absolute FREEDOM of HEALING, is Worth it!
Glad you got out relatively early.
I gave 9 yr. She isn't the issue now, it's her friends in medical and law enforcement not allow civil rights and I am now disabled with our child. People are unbelievable
@@madrechelle8090 me too even through the lingering trauma bonding I know I am truly on of the lucky ones who saw and got out quick. He literaaly with one statement took me to my criminal justice human services class about the cricle of abuse. I was a my desk looking at the diagram in my textbook. So lucky so fortunate. Never want to lay eyes on that demon again. I dont ever reget meeting people. I certainly regret meeting Jos Timmermans.
I am a psych nurse, and I like your analogy of a kind person being genetically predisposed to kindheartedness. It reminded me of an experience I had at 3 when my baby brother was born. My grandmother gave me a piece of gum, and I asked for a second piece. She was talking with my mother, and did not ask why, she just gave it to me. I apparently went in the bedroom where my newborn brother was sleeping and put the second piece next to his head in the crib. Everybody laughed, and of course he didn't chew it, but my grandmother said it proved I had a kind heart.
cute
I teach in early childhood. My observations have led me to believe that we often teach/train compassion and empathy OUT of our children. For instance, observing the babies in a group setting, it never fails that when one begins to cry, a cascade of distress and tears occurs. Why? I believe we are born with the ability to feel others emotions. We negate that ability all the time. “She’s just being …blah, blah, blah.”
@@madrechelle8090 The mind & body KNOW! Like when one gal in the dorm starts her period, whammo - suddenly EVERYBODY starts! :-D
I was planning to leave my gf tomorrow. Im tired for many different reasons. I decided to watch some videos to help me solidify my position. I didnt think she was a real narcissist, maybe just some characteristics. I decided to watch this, half sacred I would find out I fit the description of a narcissist. Come to find out, my gf fits 1000%. Im ending it tomorrow for good. This is a blessing and the push I needed to literally save myself.
I hope everything worked out for you.
@@keyashani you his girl's friend ? 🤣
Don't engage after you've left!
Hope you have finally left your toxic gf? Hope she never left with any of your personal valuables like certificates and all??
@@katet4554 Still have her blocked. My stress levels, my blood pressure, my sleep, my attitude throughout the day. All improved
A previous boyfriend years ago appeared like a friendly kitten initially. A few months later, he appeared more like a grown tiger. I was quite confused why he was so mean. Years later, I'm understanding that the mistreatment towards me wasn't my fault. Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing your knowledge with good people like me. I like myself again.
of course not, it couldn't have been anything you did... it was the evil monster
How people treat your is a reflection of them, not you. Even if people treat me like crap I don't change how I treat people, I'm a nice person.
100%
@blackbriarwolf You've met the wrong women
@blackbriarwolf maybe it's just who you hang out with or choose to be around? I am surrounded by a lot of positive people. And your blanket statement is ignorant, FYI.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out *Metaspyhub@gmail. com.* Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Thank you for seeing it like I see it! I have never actually had a relationship and intimacy or sexual decent manner because of people like this and it ruined a lot of my mind before UA-cam existed I thought that everybody was as bad as they are
I understand that however the actions projected and abuse becone very personal to the person experiencing it. Saying that statement you just made, dont takenit personal, discounted and unvalidated my experience and probably many others. Please think before you write there are many of us who already feel shame and while in the pain, it is very difficult to hear dont take it personally. Just my view as a suvivor trying to break free.
@@lisastewart351 I understand and relate to your pain.
They push you into a hole and make you feel isolated and hurt while they abandon you with no empathy leaving you feeling terrible right?
I never had a relationship yet but I have been targetted by alot of these people in life.
Makes me tired and drained.
Just remember yourself as the you you know, not what they think about you.
@@lisastewart351 my mind would go into a a state of hell, your not alone. I know the feeling.
@@dark7angel456 i didn't lose my empathy I just have no empathy for him. I have empathy for the countless lives he has ruined along his 65 years. I hope they have been able to heal. They are aware they cause pain. Period full stop. They just dont care. I thank him for the lesson. I found Lisa and my voice, but I am also ok with never laying eyes on him in this life time or any other again.
I can give you one sign: You're worried about respecting their boundaries but you're afraid to set your own toward them. Something inside you instinctively knows they won't respect them even if you do express those to them. You're afraid they'll lash out at you instead. The bottom line is, you know that trust is not present in the relationship, regardless of "love" or "money" or anything else.
It doesn't matter if that's just a perception or if it's the truth. It doesn't matter if you have proof of that fear already or not. It's a bad match, an unhealthy relationship, there's no actual way to fix it without you withdrawing deep inside yourself and letting them run all over you/take advantage of your weaknesses, and it's better for at least one of you, if not both of you, to end the relationship.
If they complain about you, your appearance, your words, your actions, your family, your pets, your grades, your income or source of it, your friends, your schedule, your eating habits, your laughter/voice, your posture, your health, your anything at all, or if they play the "sinner" card (condemn you to hell, or worse, get you to condemn yourself to hell): Wait for the next time they contact you to ask you out. Say, "Before we talk about that, I need to ask you something." After they respond to that, say "It sounds like you're not very happy with me, yes?" (They respond. If they say "No," just remind them of all the things about yourself they complained about. Don't give value or credit to those complaints, this is just a step in the conversation.) Once they agree they aren't happy with you, say, "Do you want to continue being with me, someone you're not happy with, do you want to break up and be friends, or do you want to break up?" (Say it in that exact order.) Let them respond, but regardless of what they say, lead them to the "Break up" option with things like, "Are you sure? I remember you said..." until they choose the breakup option. Once they do that, tell them you agree to that, you don't want to talk to them ever again, and end the conversation.
If they use the "hot/cold treatment," only contact you when it's convenient for them (they make you leave messages for them that they only sometimes ever respond to, yet insist that they love you, etc), or if it feels like an emotional roller-coaster ride, just don't be in contact with them again. Don't pick up the phone or return texts/emails or social media messages or replies. Ghost them. They already have 10 others they are "working" and will get easily distracted by them, and move on. Count your lucky stars for that much!
If they only focus on their own interests, not yours, and they only want you to focus on their interests (or their group of friends, or their family, etc), and it's clear they don't give a damn about anything in your life that matters to you, just start spending more time on your life, your interests, your family/friends, your career/education, your your your... They might whimper about it, "You don't spend enough time with me!" but that's ok. They could have spent more time with you while you focused on your life if they'd wanted to (the way you did for them), but they're too un-creative to think of that on their own (they're not ready for relationships). Just ignore their whimpering and keep focusing on your own stuff. They'll pretty much just go away on their own, seeking attention from others instead of you.
Maybe you once saw something (real or not) in this person that was really cool, fun, intelligent, attractive, etc., but that's no excuse to stay with someone who treats you in these ways. You matter too, not just them, and you should matter more to yourself than this once-stranger does. Stop selling yourself short by hanging around them or providing them with excuses to expect you to do that. You're better than this, you deserve better than them (doesn't matter that you're not perfect; no one is, including them, and that's OK; this isn't about perfection or who's better than who, it's about you getting on with your best life sans someone who's dragging you down and wasting your time/energy).
Also, there is no "one person" for another. There is no "god-send." I don't care if you think this person saved you from some terrible disaster, it doesn't matter. They don't get to treat you like garbage after-the-fact. Odds are, they had a hand in manufacturing that disaster anyway, and even if they didn't, it still doesn't matter. No one gets to treat you like junk, least of all you, by staying with someone who can't muster the decency to treat you like a person that matters, even regardless of what you think of yourself. Yes, others do owe it to you to treat you with basic human decency and respect, regardless of your imperfections, so long as you're the kind of person who instinctively treats others with that same decency and respect. I'm betting you are - that's why they targeted you as low-hanging-fruit, and that's on them; it's their bad for doing that. You be you, but away from them. They're toxic and, I think, genuinely evil for taking advantage of your good nature.
Finally, don't be so forgiving of their "quirks" or "mistakes," and believe them when they self-depreciate, saying things like, "I'm an ass." They don't mean it the way you do, if you do that because you were socialized to openly acknowledge your imperfections. They mean it as a warning. See their other behaviors, as mentioned in this and other related comments on this and other related videos. When a narcissist says it, they're looking for absolution and they're about to completely ruin your life after you say, "No, no, of course you're not an ass!" and then make up some kind of feel-good excuse or some other thing to say to them. They're literally looking for permission to hurt you, even though you didn't do a damned thing to deserve that.
They look at you, they see the good natured person that you are, they either don't believe you're for real (because they can't understand how anyone could be that genuinely kind to others) or they just want to see you "fall out of grace" or whatever (because they want everyone to be lower than they are, as a way of elevating themselves somehow; this is a serious mental health problem they have, and it's not yours to have anything to do with). They are jealous of you and they want to hurt you; they may even say they want to hurt you at some point: run, don't walk! Just break off contact with them, with their shared friends with you, and keep yourself hidden from them. They need to get help, but they're going to have to do that on their own time, not on yours, if and when they're ever ready to go do the hard work of becoming a decent human being. Just know that they're the broken one, not you, and it's not for you to fix them. They're not some baby bird with a broken wing - they're a vampire sucking you dry. And stop watching "Beauty and the Beast" for crying out loud. Love isn't what will fix them. You loved them and they ended who you really are as a person with the death of a thousand cuts. You're not their therapist, nor should you "play one on (their) TV."
❤
You've written a book
Thank you so very much for this!
Ummm this was the best comment I have seen in the aspect of narcissism. Thank you x1000000. This perfectly counteracting all of the "maybes" that come with being with one. "But maybe theyre still the perosn I fell in love with"... and its like.... but theyre not, they never were. Wow, this just perfectly describes my situation. Thank you. I feel like I can move on so much more peacefully now after hearing it painted out this way. Thank you!
Thankyou for this comment. It clarifies so many things , incidents which were non expressable these many days. Sometimes it's like a blank dark page of wht had actually happened. You hav thrown light on this.Its so healing to read
I love this woman. I sent her channel to my mother because my grandmother is a narcissist and I recognized how my mother has severe psychological burns from her. She helped my mother recognize the gaslighting and rage episodes.. Thank you so much, Doctor ❤
You're so lucky, I wish I could do the same to my mom.
@@deadislander My prayers are with both of you. Send the channel and share, it's her choice from there. All you can do is not enable and pray and take of YOURSELF first so when your mom needs you, you can be there with a healthy heart and mind 🌸
“… She has severe psychological burns from her.” Feel that. Your mom is lucky she has you.
She's a money hungry female that emerged in the ""narcissist"" spectrum discussions today,she showed that when she teamed up with ""Jada Pinkett Smith"" a couple of years ago.
Psychological burns…the phrase I was looking for to describe my feelings
Dr. Ramani is an INFJ which partially explains her gifts and talents. She’s wonderful! My mom was also an INFJ and a natural counselor and also gifted with understanding people although she never believed us when we’d tell her so. INFJs are very humble, seeing this work as a natural duty, not realizing how special they are. They even share some of the same mannerisms. They are a rare personality type that the world desperately needs. It’s so refreshing to listen to her. ❤
Because you cannot find them
You said they are humble mean seek no fame
@@wer45635 Meaning they don’t realize their gifts.
Sorry what's an INFJ
What is INFJ?
What is an INFJ
I was able to leave and go-no contact with a 15-year relationship during the pandemic after discovering and binging Dr. Ramani's YT videos. Blessings + gratitude. I'm one of the saved.
I'm very happy for you. I'm on my way out as well. Stay strong 💪
I wish had left 2 yrs back...
She is an amazing woman ❤
@@someonerandom1111don’t waste your time wishing what you could have done. Be glad you didn’t go on for longer and start loving yourself, forgive yourself and start self affirmations. Concentrate on self-care, don’t keep blaming yourself, it’s more harmful than useful. Try to move on and be kinder to yourself.
Jay. Honestly I put my hand on my heart. I have left a marriage of 17 YEARS of such relationship. Now I'm finally free! Now freedom is now a new life I must learn to live. It's hard to believe this new life of healing is over coming the pains and shame. It's a process. It takes time. I know now life can only get better for my daughter and I. Your podcast is part of of my healing process. So thank you 🙏
It’s over 11 years for me & still dragging my feet. I’ve definitely put in work to heal but still fearing the impact of divorce and uncertain future for my daughter and I.
18+ years
Great job leaving! How are you?
A month ago I left a 13 year marriage, 19 year relationship. It’s so bittersweet. My daughter and I are just trying to find our new normal. I hope all is well with you and your daughter.
@@HarleenMokhaI was right there with you. I’ve known for years that I needed to leave my marriage but I was dragging my feet too. One day, out of nowhere, I said “this ends today”, and here I am a month later. Two months ago me would be so proud of and so happy for month ago me. Happiness is totally worth it.
I agree 100% culture does not help specially Indian culture where the mother and sister in-laws keep pumping the ego of their narssacistic son and keep telling him what an angel and perfect human being he is. Continuously feeding their grandiosity. Often these women are narssacistic themselves too.
I 100% agree. Never thought this would happen to me, but this is exactly what happened with my husband. We are now separating. His parents were fully aware of his downfalls but they still gassed him up and validated all the wrong doings he was doing
Her begining statements of how mental healthcare ignored what was going on and laying blame on the victim are absolutely correct. Usually done in the form of saying the victim wasn't rising to the relationship somehow. I was told the things I was bringing to therapy were me just complaining. Yet I had a spouse who was emotionally immature, emotionally distant, didn't communicate, was vindictive, was emotionally cruel, twisted all of my communication, motives, and intent into something I had not said or done, could not communicate without instantly twisting conversation to be about themselves, waited years into the marriage to express chauvinistic beliefs and expectations of me, demanded my focus 24/7, did not care about me or the children, expected things of me that they weren't willing to do, say or be, believed they were superior to me, believed they had rights of lordship over me and my time, expected special considerations from me and the children, did not grow or mature, was cold hearted and uncaring, always tried to turn the rooms focus onto themselves, could not relate to or participate in social or family situations of emotional crisis or grief, refused all responsibilities or ownership, didn't have normal or mature social skills, no common sense, didn't connect with comedic situations, blamed me and others for everything they didn't like, want, or expect, dismissed things I liked, and exploited both emotional and physical circumstances to take advantage of, or revenge on me. Plus his mother is also twisted in behavior, thought, and manipulates all her children while treating them like children. Yet according to the therapist I was missreading everything. Then the psych testing we had done turned up severe narcissism, and other significsnt dysfunctional traits in ex and no abnormal dysfunctions of me. That was the end of that psychologist/therapist and ex.
I can relate so much to this. Thanks for sharing. You're not alone. Let's focus on healing. Stay strong.
I could have written your post!!! Very well said. 👏 I went to only ONE therapy session with my narc spouse. The narc was able to convince the therapist that his consisent disrespect, consistent gaslighting, consistent disconnect, consistently dismissing my feelings, consistently humiliating me, screaming outbursts at me, ignoring my feeling, consistent road rage, lack of empathy, consistent demeaning treatment, invalidating me, patterns of rudeness, selfishness, meanest, etc, were all my fault for refusing to have sex. The therapist disregarded every single thing that was wrong in the marriage and basically told me the problem was me because sex is important in a marriage. I could not believe it. The so-called trained professional was fooled so easily by a master manipulator. I tried to tell the therapist that the narc was emotionally abusive, and she simply did not understand a thing.
@@Unebellecreole I absolutely get it. My ex was the most easy going, profesional, and seemingly understanding guy. Yet in reality he was either very ignorant or would play ignorant most of the time. He could never understand how to adjust his responses or thinking accordingly for the situation at hand. As it turned out he is a covert narcissist and sociopath. After being outed by the psychologist, in front of me, he became much more threatening and dangerous to me. By the time I was able to get out he had already broken into my locked bedroom in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, on multiple occasions. Thankfully I had a large dog that alerted me, and met him at the door. To which he silently backed out of my room each time. He had also threatened to stab me, and threatened to kill me, and had tainted my food and drink on multiple occasions. Not to mention stalking me, eavesdropping on my phone calls, breaking into and stealing my personal property or destroying it, stealing from me, and so much more. I can't figure how so many mental health professionals have or are missing this issue. Except that they buy into the lies, and charismatic front without considering their behaviors don't match what they present as and it is the victim who is looking for the help.
@Krystal Mtn WOW! That is just insane! Thank God for your dog, and that you are out of this crazy madness! Dealing with these people is so dangerous to our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. I am drained. I am on survival mode.
yep. i also stumbled on an incompetent psy. The aftermath of not being heard almost led me to suicide. Those matters are serious. I'm so glad you went out of the rabbit hole.. just like i did.
When Dr R said she was sad about the "loss of human potential " , i broke down and sobbed. I feel that is me, right now. I have been married 26 years and in the past 4 years realizing husband has N. qualities that have literally chipped away at my spirit. I finally have a label for why he is the way he is. Past 4 years we struggled with childs serious mental health issues , dealt with the death of my father, and at the same time serious marital problems. I feel stemming from husbands narcissistic qualities. Many times I feel like I was drowning in sorrow. Like Dr R said , my narcissist husband "extinguished the light of my best self"
I’ve been married 36 years and he left abruptly last year because confronted him and this time I never backed down. Dr Ramani is the best, but does anyone on this channel have any idea of the power of prayer. Like Fr Don Calloways t/t talk on the power of the Rosary. Or binge listening to Fr Jim Blount so you understand your not alone
I am sorry, it’s not to late to get back to who you are at your core
I was 16 when I was dating one. I didn't know he was a narcissist until I was in my 30's when he messaged me to say "sorry" and shared he was diagnosed as NPD.
I am only just beginning to learn how much this messed up so much of my life and launched me in a cycle of dating others who have these traits/abusive/addiction. :(
Gaslighting, aggression, lying, belittling, antagonism, amnesia about their behaviors, seeking attention, lack of empathy, all serve to make the victim seem and feel small. When a sibling is the perpetrator of this personality disorder, it is a lifetime of abusive behavior. Dr. Ramni is a savior for those of us who have suffered emotional and psychic damage because of a "loved one" You have helped me to disconnect and begin to heal myself. I am eternally grateful.
I'm glad that person no longer has you in their life, they deserve better. Good riddance!
Well said...
This is so deep, I'll have to hear it twice. For those in narcissistic relationships--I hope you find some hope here.
That’s their karma as it was ours
My poor brain asking divine intervention for a peace of mind dealt with my father and now lmao i'm here again.
Wishing you much courage in your healing journey. @@jackiekent8720
"You're entitled to your opinion but that's not my truth. " Love it!
In therapy today, I finally made peace with the fact that my father (who has bipolar disorder) probably has a narcissistic personality and that making excuses for him my whole life conditioned me to tolerate my ex and everything he put me through. Crazy revelation!
The narcissist in my life was a horrible experience. The most enjoyable loving person turned into a nightmare. It blew my mind. I still can’t believe I experienced the devastation that he brought into my life.
Same
But again he is like a nice person feelong sorry for what he did...should i believe him?. Will he change for future??
I feel you. He keeps telling me what a great person he is and how bad I make him feel. And I don’t even know what I did.
I’m so sorry!!! I 1,000% understand. He was so wonderful, swept me off my feet. It was so intense and amazing in the beginning. Then the switch. I hung on for years hoping the person I fell for would come back. The truth is he didn’t exist, it was all his game and he was so very good at it. I’ve never experienced such despair. I became a shell of the “happy go lucky” girl I once was. After I finally left I had to find myself all over again and although it has been years I don’t think I will ever be the same. Oh I can say is get out while you can. They don’t change! I ran into someone who was with him 20 years before me and she had all of the same experience. At least now I know what to look for. You are smart and beautiful and kind and contrary to what he makes you feel, there are many amazing men out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!!!
Ms. Patel,
No, and No.
People like that never change, and they get worse.
Move forward in your life with positive energy.
Loved this session with Dr Ramani and Jay!! I was with a narcissist for 17 years!! I didn’t realise it till I got out of it, I was blamed for everything and to the point I was feeling so guilty .I tried my best to help because I loved him in spite of him being abusive, controlling and cohesive . I tried to change myself so much for him that I was losing myself. There was no respect though he always said he loved me !! He always wanted to be the PRIORITY!!!
Then it became …I say , you do …but nothing changed. There was good times too. It took me so long to realise that I could not fix things and the emotional abuse was taking a toll on me. I am so glad I am out toxic relationship.
I am so glad for you! I am in the same exact situation and wish I had that courage to do that..
I feel like its the good times, the laughs, and the hugs, the kisses that encourages us to stay. It barely supersedes the abuse of the narcissist. I'm only 23 and almost thought I was head over heels in love with someone.... He stood me up after we took our connection a step further, and I didn't have the best reaction to that- and he didnt like what I had to say. So, after I began NO CONTACT, he comes back 18 months later, approaches me at a mutual event to tell me that "I lost him, I could've had him, he will always love me, but he has to keep it toxic with me, he has to 'stay mad'"... and we are both 23...Because we are young, a part of me wanted to think this is a phase, but God i would hate to give the benefit of the doubt and then end up 20 years later in a relationship where I was never the priority, even from the beginning. Its the constant love bombing that is so stimulating to the brain and, if a connection is there, our hearts. They're always so fixated on their own perspective, its like youre not even truly there as a perosn to the,, youre just a source of validation for them. Its so disheartening to go through because you actually love them, while they truly dont really give a damn about you or your well being- but here I are with all this love in my heart for a narcissist.
“It only takes one person!”
I love that someone can change the game for someone being abused by giving permission to feel or support and help them not feel alone in it! Thanks for this podcast.
In my case, it was the first person whose response to "well, I'm having some difficulty with my mother..." wasn't to tell me "oh, but how can you complain, with such a wonderful mother!" but "that's because she demands of you what she has no right to demand. She's one of those parents who think that giving life to someone means the someone has to return it with interest."
Thank you so much. After I listen to Dr Ramani I feel as though I have taken a mental shower.
“Compassion fatigue is similar To burnout. It’s almost like you’re a vessel. There’s a lot of compassion going out and very little coming in.”
Wow! This makes so much sense. I’ve been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I often feel fine before interacting with these types, then depleted after…even if not much is said. They really are energy vampires. 🤯
That comment about loss of Innocence and empathy fatigue really resonates with me. My experience with someone who was possibly borderline personality disordered and definitely showed malignant narcissistic traits truly did me in. To realize that someone who supposedly loved me would utilize deliberate techniques to hurt me just to feed their demons was very eye-opening.
Same! 😢 It took me about 10 years to get out of the grips of this person. Never again.
Sick, all of it. The need to feed knows no boundary. All the long while and entirely in individual cell blocks unbeknown to me or each one used…. Reins in his charmed prince, indeed as very knight in his shining armor white horse n all.
Somebody who is in a position of trust, who is supposed to be a therapist, have, empathy, and ethics! And use all of this to get you to put your defenses down faster… Somebody that looks just like a human, and yet actually gets off on causing other people pain. So mind boggling.
Same here
Correct, this is a demonic spirit (why it can do what it does to people), operating from and in an unhealed traumatized child living in an adult body.😢
1:01:47 “but that’s not a relationship, it never was.”
Damn. I needed that.
Cause my mother is narcissist and it’s hard to deal with her emotional abuse and manipulation. I love her and I want a relationship- but I realize now, we never really HAD a relationship. She took care of me. And that’s it. She didn’t want to actually get to “know” me. She wanted to do what was required to be a mom and that’s it.
And so when I’m encouraged to only have “light talks” with her - I always say… “that’s not a relationship!”
But I’m glad you said “it never was”! Cause that just clicked for me.
It really never was.
Narcs never change. Take my word. Live your own life and let them live theirs. Distance yourself. Trust me they would NEVER change. You'll harm yourself more, mentally if you try to even have a conversation with them . Forget breaking down and being vulnerable. So take care of yourself. Always be by your side. You don't need anyone. You're enough!
I believe the key to protecting yourself and becoming more self aware is to respect yourself above all things. No other person is above you despite what you may think or are told. Respect yourself and all will fall into place. Nobody has the right to subjugate their will to upon you in put downs. This how to spot a Narcissist. Respect yourself and the narcissist will run for the hills.
Honestly, we need more people like you *Johnsonspy* if we had an army of people like you, we could stamp out these total loss in no time. I love that you are helping the victims, too it's ultra gratifying when you are to save people in real time like you do thanks 🙏🏻 for recovering mine...
You have done an outstanding job and proven your merits with sincerity! You've proven to effectively handle any given job. With your help, I was able to track my girlfriend's activities. *JohnsonSpy* made a positive name out here for your excellent services!
They aren't people. Demons in human flesh.
the narcissist relationship is one that is depleting ... no one deserves to control your life and stop your growth and creativity... despite all the love bombing the highs and the lows.
She gives me a voice, she sees me. It's just so incredible to label what I went through for 39 years and say it out loud. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
39 years 😮 so you are stronger than anybody around you 🤝
@@vishaloc8092 thank you so much
Don't argue with a fool for they will hurt you
The best that you can do is step away
Don't tie yourself to children, they'll desert you
Fools and children live as if there's just today
Much contention causes losses and estrangement
Isolation is a sickness unto death
Loss of love is a sure pathway to derangement
So make peace within our soul with every breath
Don't get angry if you're called the worst of many
Don't withdraw your hands from all that they can do
Those who would deny your love do not have any
For the best of folks will see the best in you
That’s lovely ❤
WHAT??????? This is so BEAUTIFUL and lyrical❤❤❤❤❤❤❤. Wish you would copyright it😮
I am destroyed by a narcissist who happens to be my daughter-in-law. The 20 year shocking and totally not understood treatment until I read things you’ve shared ( plus whatever else I could find) has left me being blocked from my only grandchildren, my not very confident son who finally followed her and got blocked as well. There is sooo much to share about this - I won’t even try here. She turned my other son for awhile as while. I feel that I understand all that contributed to my agony - my total pain that my sons (with whom I had good relationships) abandoned me, the attempts to devalue me with other family members (especially the day of my mothers funeral, at my home). There is so much. I had a massive stress-induced stroke a year or so after she took my grandchildren. I’m permanently disabled - paralyzed on left side plus more. My incredible husband cares for me, as well as a paid aide in the morning. I believe I understand her…no more room to see if my thoughts have validity. Your research and sharing of info has been helpful and comforting. 1:13:39
I was 25 years in the middle of this sort of relationship. After the final "hurricane" instead of blaming myself I simply went icy cold inside and said to myself that I was through with it, and I moved out on my quarter century marriage. Best move I ever made.
I find comfort in all discussion of narcissism, the more I learn, the better I see I have been neck deep in a 31 year marriage to the person I met in high school at 14 years old, and love bombed from the beginning .. they do not change. I am one of those mentioned who isn’t ready to leave. I am new to the term, to the destruction that has been done to me as a person, I am lost on who I am. I am working with a therapist and reading ( and watching/listening) to find the way out.. it’s all I’ve known and only in 2020 opened my eyes to who I’ve married.. heartbreaking but explained a lot. All that to say, I appreciate the help I’m receiving from Dr Ramani.
Narcs never change. Take my word. Live your own life and let them live theirs. Distance yourself. Trust me they would NEVER change. You'll harm yourself more, mentally if you try to even have a conversation with them . Forget breaking down and being vulnerable. So take care of yourself. Always be by your side. You don't need anyone. You're enough!
Dr. Ramani helped to educate me in narcissism and helped me leave and never go back so I owe her greatly. I had no idea what it really was. I started seeing repetitive negative, toxic behavior, devaluing, criticism, habitual liar, cheater, no accountability the list just goes on and on. It is like being in a Hell! I am moving forward at peace now.
yep 100% agree it's that behaviour with that pattern to it no matter what you do - I'm so glad people are seeing and and talking about it there is more awareness now, I'm also in some face book groups like 'my red flags is a really good one when I'm struggling with old feelings or patterning hanging around' Blessings for you to keep growing blooming and healing from those past years and living through that I'm really happy to see you get out from it I wish my mum had managed to! I'm keeping my space but it's tricky when it's in the family stick to what you know is right no matter what other people say or try to convince you to do I can tell that I have been conditioned very heavily so the challenge is getting away and staying free from it happening again, Strength to You!
I get it. Same
I'm not glad to have experienced narcissism but so glad I am aware. Dr. Ramani has validated one of my feelings. The loss of innocence. Thank you.
"The pixels turn into a picture." What a quote. Once again Doc Ramani has described what happened to me. I was so late to understand... it's a shame. A whole life lost. The dregs left. I just have to do what I can with what I have today. At least now I know I was not 'in the wrong'... I was not paranoid. Things were not 'all in my mind'. Multiple truths - another good phrase. Thank you Doc Ramani. And thank you,, Jay, for this particular interview.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Not going to lie, but we are actually really proud to have an employee like you as part of our team. The job is done so gracefully and neatly. Very well done, dear *brian hacks online* . First of all. Thank you for making the work environment so friendly and taking your responsibility seriously and completing the work gracefully! You deserve so much.
Thanks *brian hacks online* for the remote access into target's complete phone activities
This message is to recognize your contribution to the team’s tracking and spying success. Your commitment had been exemplary and your hard working is an inspiration to everyone around you. You’re a professional *brian hacks online*
God heard me. It is now 2 am but I quite literally needed to finish this episode. You have validated my entire existence in an hour. A huge weight as you say, has been lifted, only tears come to my eyes. This conversation not only brought clarity and reassurance about romantic relationships, but also relationships in general, and feelings, trauma, and experiences beyond that. I am so grateful to you both for making this information available to the public is such a generous form. Thank you.
I had the same experience!!!!!!! Surreal !!! I’m walking around feeling so light because I can finally feel like I’m not crazy! Finally someone who believes me. Instant tears.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard “permission” being given by a therapist to stay with a narcissist. I very much appreciated the insight of accepting what you will not get from the narcissist, and adding the relationships which will feed your needs. (Obviously, not saying to stay in an abusive relationship.) Learning the surface convos, not expecting love, not expecting their change, but it’s ok to stay if you must. Thank you for that.
she is so amazing, I was in an relationship with a narcissist. And I have bin never been treated so disrespectful and hurt by anyone but him. And I worked in de pornbuisiness and that wasn´t that bad. Luckely I am free from him for 4 years now and I´m still healing from it.
When i first got started my psych degree back in 2004 i was especially focused on mental disorders and narcissism as i realized my family was deeply enmeshed and varying degree narcs and i was the family scapegoat. Dr Ramani over the years of videos and talks have truly helped me to help heal myself and deal with all these repercussions of these awful relationships i endured (which is why i went into psych in the first place) narcs also HATE psych, self help, anything that that makes you have self awareness, they will fight you till the end. Then you learn how to work solely on yourself and go on your own quest. they come back in with old antics, they attack more and harder bc their antics are no longer working on you. The separation abuse is some of the worst parts, just like with domestic violence. I'm extremely grateful for dr ramani, she's likely saved my life
This CD has three separate relaxation/meditation sessions on it ua-cam.com/users/postUgkxzpa8CIfZcihW4Z0F_ja0QF3W9KIatrsq guided by a very pleasant and direct male voice. Unlike so many other products of its type, this CD does not have bad synthesizer music, does not feature a phony or affected style of narration, and does not make any bogus claims to be subliminal or to re-train the brain or any of that balderdash. What you get is 1. a guided meditation for getting into a pleasantly relaxed state of body awareness while taking a stroll (superb for those easing back into a fitness routine slowly after an illness or injury) 2. A nice long breath-awareness relaxation session that if followed diligently can put you into very deep states of full-body relaxation and mental calmness, and 3. a buddhist-inspired meditation session designed to help you develop and maintain feelings of loving kindness toward not just yourself and your friends, but toward people you don't even like. The CD makes no claims to be designed for advanced meditators or for buddhists or hindus/yoga practitioners looking for very deep and esoteric stuff. It is geared more toward the average person who just wants to develop the habit of relaxation and stress relief through natural, healthy means. him, if you happen to be reading this, keep up the good work fella, and I love your accent. I would also like to note that I have never fallen asleep while listening to this product. I would like to kindly suggest to the reviewer who said this CD makes him fall asleep, that he might want to get checked to see if he has a sleep disorder, or if he is simply not setting aside ample time for restful sleep at night. A healthy person getting adequate rest at night should be able to go into deep states of mental relaxation without dozing off, if not all the time, then most of the time.
This lady should nominated for Nobel price for inner peace. Salutes from Beyrouth and thank you for the beautiful interview and the pertinent questions and listening 🇱🇧 ❤
Love it - 'the hope needs to be in ones self, and the untold story in you ... and not in the relationship.'
I never knew about a Narcissist.Until I met one.Took me two years to heal, after I walked away for good from him.Best thing I ever done I feel now.I survived 🙏
5 years ago I felt so alone in finally figuring out just what narcissism is. Now it feels like everyone and their mama is talking about it in these channels 👏🏼 Everyone needs to know this. It’s freeing to arm yourself with the knowledge to get away from these folks 🥲
I'm 41yrs old and I was married to a narcissist from the age of 23 to the age of 30. We lived together for 2 years prior. I don't think I had ever heard the word narcissist or verbal abuse until a few years before I divorce him. I can't tell you how happy I am that this subject is finally being talked about. I went through 10 years of hell because I didn't feel justified in leaving him.
Divorce babies always have good reason.
"You get there when you get there" Well said. After a therapist asked me who in my family was narcissistic (that I ended up with one) it still took me 6 years to realize it was my mother. Thank you Dr Ramani we love you!!! ❤️ ❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing ! our earliest wounds is always by those closest to us. Very tragic
Narcs never change. Take my word. Live your own life and let them live theirs. Distance yourself. Trust me they would NEVER change. You'll harm yourself more, mentally if you try to even have a conversation with them . Forget breaking down. So take of yourself. Always be by your side. You don't need anyone. You're enough!
I need to know more about that. Really? Someone in the person's life has to be a narcissist? Where do I learn about that?
It's unbelievable how many ppl are coming out on this. I don't feel alone anymore. Thank you so much for this video. 🇲🇺❤️🙏🏽
My soon to be ex husband is a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath and you’re 100% correct on every point! Each video you’ve been kind enough to share has been most helpful. I wish that we had a support group or an organization to assist victims with advice. He’s horrible and relocating seems to be my best recourse. Praying 🤲 that we can stay as far away from narcissists as my possible.
I have come to realize that you do have to move far, out of state even, away. I have my exit plan to leave my narcissist, and because I’m planning ahead for every contingency, I have realized I need to be at least 1000 miles away to be able to feel safe, to sleep at night, because I have had a gun to my head, an empty one sure, but I didn’t know that at the time, he just clinked clicked clicked as soon as I counted the 8th time and it was a .38 revolver I realized it was empty but the click I’m still alive click I’m still alive and each click brought me closer to the one shot I thought that would kill me in that barrel, but it was empty so to sleep at night I need to be several states away. I need to be far Fri his family and sadly that means our daughter too, my baby girl, but when it comes down to the bare bones of it I know she would choose him not me, and the step kids I helped raise would naturally be on his side, his mother another narcissist, where he learned his manipulation, with her loving nature would pull me back into the relationship, my sisters in law, everyone in my family for last 27 years would pull me back in somehow, for Yeh good of the family, because we are Christian, all these reasons to stay in relationship over decades of turmoil and trauma, and then my inner voice saying I’m too broken that even if I leave no one would want to come near me because I’m so messed up- ALL REASONS TO STAY BUT ALL THE SAME REASONS TO RUN LIKE HELL IS AFTER YOU because in a way it is. RUN - RUN FOR 3 or 4 STATES THEN you can catch your breath and rest. But run run run nonetheless.
I am currently helping a neighbor through this journey. She is from Jakarta knows little English or customes. We found a lawyer through Legal Aid, and are almost ready to have him served. Meanwhile we are guiding her as what. Is to come. Gonna be worse before better…but taking action! Thank you for these podcasts, I have her watching them and you have helped so much ❤️❤️☘️
I'm glad you are helping her! ❤
Yes hurry the help because some narcs target those areas .people with good family values and traditions good people actually call them nice people Hope you help her.
@tjsmith2748 Please help her throughout that ordeal. I went through a really nasty divorce with a narcissist. It was so hard, that I asked my attorney to let him keep “his” assets. I felt that I coldly take it anymore. Thank God I was a good attorney. Him and my therapist helped me so much. I’m now getting better emotionally and mentally. The only problem now is that I’m having so many health issues. But I’m doing everything I can to be healthy and happy. Blessings to everyone going through this nightmare. I can assure you, there’s light I the end of the tunnel.
I really hope & pray each day that our Canadian therapists hone in on Narcissism and help to heal from narcissistic abuse.. 7 years of searching through therapists to only end up without. Thank you Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes to what I was living with for so long. Sooo thankful I got out and away from the narcisissits. I probably would have died trying to deal with the angst and anxiety I felt. I thought I was going crazy. Thank you Jay Shetty for your daily encouraging words & posts.
I'm most sure that Brandon of *Johnson spy* is the solitary individual here that is really ready to complete this without any kind of grumble, I'm genuinely thankful to him for since, supposing that it weren't for him I wouldn't have discovered that my sweetheart was not the slightest bit steadfast from the beginning
This episode is truly a GIFT. Thank you to both of you.
I love what Jay said in the end that people who have been exposed to this horrible gaslighting and narcissistic person often develop some of the traits to help them cope
I wish I found you in 2004. I was getting out of an extremely toxic relationship then and learned years later about narcissists. It opened my eyes. Listening to this makes me want to cry and scream! This was my ex 100%!! Everything you say was him. I remember telling him there is no way I can be wrong on everything! Wow. So crazy.
I totally agree "im tired of seeing the loss of potential of the people who get caught in these relationships" the light is dimmed , they become an aspect of themselves and shut down vitality spontaneity and life force , often fearing the unknown yet the unknown can often be way better than the known-blessings and light to anyone watching this
Hearing this is truly liberating
This was amazing to listen to and came at the right time in my life. This was like clarification that I made the right decision. I would like to thank you both for bringing light back into a very dim place. I am amazing, I am unstoppable and I am Worthy. Lisa
I have seen Dr Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism and I finally realized what my mother had and still is doing to me. I thank you doctor for helping me make sense of narcissism. Despite keeping a distance, she will still call me and nag about things that would annoy me and blame my husband for my keeping distance with her. It is tough when family member is a narcissist and the rest are her flying monkies. I pray I could have more sane and healthy people in my life.
Dr Ramani's two books and UA-cam channel have completely changed my life for the better.
No matter how many times I hear her speak, I still learn something. Some of these concepts really need to be re-learned over and over again for those of us who have spent our entire lives under the thumb of abusive people.
I am so grateful for this beautiful human 🙏♡
Yesssssss!
Dr. Ramani has helped me so much. Feeling the light coming through the wounded places has truly been the most profound experience. I am just now beginning to come out of the fog and intense pain. Breaking a trauma bond is no joke. I consider myself an educated, capable, hardworking and motivated woman who survived physical abuse by my father. That situation was so much more clear. You hit me and I know that's wrong. The other kind of abuse is insidious and feels almost like a kind of evil. At first it was confusing, then it became anxiety-provoking, then I was exhausted and then the soul-crushing fatigue set in that has taken almost 6 months to begin to lift. I am slowly learning to put myself first and focus on my own life. Thank you both for this insightful video.
Hurting other people is a deadly sin and in the end the narcissists bitterness will prove to be their own destruction.
Been a fan of Doctor Ramani for some time now. I think the whole Indian subcontinent can benefit from awareness on narcissism in Hindi. Most cultures around the world confuse it with good leadership and strong personality. I really think the world will change and visibly so when narcissism starts getting exposed in different languages around the world.
yes Indian family systems are the most toxic, it shows up and accepted in every aspect of culture , films , business , values
@@reddy2grow66 western world if you go you can find lot of singles with dog. But if you go to India you can see a lot of old couples going hand in hand. Toxic western culture is going to take over India soon.
Azhar where are you from? India? Hundred percent agree abt dominating people mistaken as leaders...
@@gmail7894 close, Pakistan
If I could Like this comment a million times!!
Thank you for all the aspects and bringing light to all the levels of, In it, Going thru it, & leaving it. ❤
I've watched probably hundreds of videos on this or very similar subject matter. No kidding, this is probably the very best I've seen!! The explanation, the expectations, and the TRUTH about these people and the damage they do. It's just so well done! Thank you!
Thank you so so much for this.... It started making me feel like I am always wrong. The constant blame started to affect my mind, and I became to lose myself in a way that I started to compromise on anything just to make him happy. Very sad love story, unfortunately. Thank you for sharing this.
The effects of this abuse is long lasting. I survived my narc mother in law and husband, but not without serious flaws. Today, I struggle with rejection. I believe this is because of so many years of feeling upside down over and over because I didn't severe these unhealthy relationships. I really believe there is a portion of those that experience this that becomes kind of distorted. I actually have an inferiority complex now.
Another excellent interview! I only wish I had understood who I was really with and what he was doing to me the longer I stayed. My ex had been my therapist for 2 years and preyed on me, using every vulnerability I had to control and hurt me. He gaslit, lied, cheated, isolated me, and blamed me for his dismal abyss. I endured. After 20 years he abandoned me and relocated to Utah without me after months of planning and promises of better treatment toward me. No apology, no explanation. No shame. His new supply has no clue what he has already done behind her back at their 3 month point, and how much pain she is going to experience as the relationship continues. I pray for her.
This actually saved my life in this very moment - thank you ❤❤
Can we all appreciate this guys for taking the time to help all of us and making our lives happy, cause these dudes never fail to put a smile on our faces, guys they deserve the best in life we'll all support them no matter what we all love you and I wanna Thank You So Much for being amazing! *Johnson Spy*
Thanks *johnsonspy* for the remote access into target's complete phone activities
Yes they are good guys
Guys are per definition,happy,no matter what,because they don’t understand…they say and think,that they understand,but nooo…
The poor and vulnerable women have to run the world!!!And…I love it….I find it sweet 🤷🏼♀️
Many women don’t….
That is what this Podcast is about.If it is a real problem to the mankind,if you and me don’t wish to get married,call me a narcissist or gay or something else…
JS is s fraud
.wake up people
I think everyone should listen to this show if they want to have a healthy relationship. Narcs are so deceiving that it requires an expert breaking it down for you. Thank you both for a great informative session.
It’s very easy to get lost in the conversations too. Crazy making. You have to flow down and listen to what is being said, and actually slowly process what they are saying. But by the time you catch on, they’re on to the next thing
Powerful work! Thank you for this.
Thank you so much for posting this! It was extremely enlightening and helpful! ❤
You know what drives a narcissist crazy? When you laugh besides their manipulation and bad behavior.
I’ve read both of Dr. Ramani’s books and regularly listen to her channel and interviews. This by far has been my favorite interview she’s given. Something was extra special about her examples and explanations in this one ❤
oh wow I should have a look at those books' I wasn't aware!
Totally agree - I ended up taking notes bc it helped so much
Jay and Dr Ramani together!!! This is amazing!
I’m so glad he doesn’t interrupt her it really is lovely thank you so much
Jay Shetty and Dr Ramani, two people coming together, what can be better than this! Two people whom I have religiously been following, two people who have been helping me (and several hundreds) survive, grow and heal sit together in this podcast and create magic! Thank you for creating this content. Dr. Ramani's expertise in this subject is evident in how each word that she speaks is so coherent with what one experiences.
Hope Dr Ramani, you find a way to heal the narcissist.
And Jay, lovely sweatshirt!
I agree 100% --Dr. Ramani's knowledge and wisdom on this topic is second to none.
After going from one narcissistic relationship to the next and the next, 20 yrs of these relationships and finally I found you! Thank you Dr Ramani you have changed my life, I’ve been trauma bonded to men my entire life not knowing this all stemmed from my relationships with my parents. Please keep doing what you do, you are changing lives ❤
Totally
Absolutely. Going forward, I hope by now I have a grip on what red flags look like and that I will heed my intuition.
"How he gets into your head" is an excellent book. It explains how abusers target their victims. The # 1 rule is not to tell men your traumatic experiences or past relationship issues until you can absolutely trust them. Information is earned. These awful people are out here looking for victims, and vulnerability is your Achilles heel.
@@ohanaohana8844well said, that is so true, confiding to them what or who’s upsetting you is fuel for them, they remind me of vultures, once they see a weakness, they swoop. 🤮
This dialogue was pure medicine. Thank you for offering it.
I love you,Dr. Ramani!
Thank you for clearing the air that I'd been for the last 10 years.❤
"The Step 2 of gaslighting is the best-selling speaker and host, On Purpose with Jay Shetty" 🤣
Jay replies, "I love that!" 🤗
While I know emotional abuse is really awful, being abused both physically AND emotionally is worse. I say this because when you are being emotionally and physically abused, you CANNOT call out the emotional abuse at ALL for fear of being killed. It's terrifying. Also, when the physical boundary is broken, it feels like the last frontier has been breached.
Are you OK?
Physical abuse comes with mental and emotional abuse. The physical injuries heal the fastest but it takes years, sometimes a lifetime to heal the mental and emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse. There is no better type.
@@nicolebesser3548 I think you missed my point. It's not that verbal abuse isn't bad--if someone's physically abusing you, the verbal stuff is happening too. Also some physical injuries don't heal. I've got a TBI from being hit so many times and my brain hemorrhaging. Emotional is bad, of course. But both together are next level, cuz again, you know when you're being verbally accosted, you CAN'T talk back without the risk of getting murdered. And you can't heal from being dead.
@@anovosedlik I am a DV survivor myself. Not underplaying physical violence at all. Physical violence comes with all the others is more what my point was. Unprogramming the mindset from receiving abuse was and sometimes still is the most difficult part of healing. I am 25+ years out.
@@anovosedlik the point she was making is that emotional abuse only has the same effect as physical abuse, or both.
I also thought that emotional abuse was not as bad as physical. This led me to think that I could "handle" just emotional abuse, and that it would not have the same impact on me as just physical.
This was a common way of thinking.
I was emotionally and physically abused at home, and when I was with a partner who was also a narcissist, the emotional abuse was far more prevalent.
I suffered more from the emotional abuse. And partly because I thought I could handle it, because the physical abuse was not constant, although the threat of it was always there. I thought I could handle it, and as a result I endured far more abuse than I ever should have.
Most guys don't come out of the gates swinging. First they chip away at mental health for a while.
The impact of emotional abuse, she's saying, causes the same trauma that physical abuse does. This is what the research has shown.
When I left my narcissist ex, his aunt said to me, "I never saw any bruises," this was a denial of abuse, because many people still think that if they are not getting beaten then they are not really getting abused. This however is not true. Constant stress will ruin someone's health to the point of death. Words can carry a threat and create immense fear.
Abuse is abuse, and if we think that because the physical barrier has not been breached that we are better off or it's easier we are lying to ourselves, and potentially putting ourselves at risk for getting into another abusive relationship, and gaslighting ourselves that we can deal with it because it's not physical. That's why it's important to recognize.
It not to take away the impact and severity of the abuse you went through. It to understand and protect yourself from going through it again with another partner, and enduring it because it's not as bad, only to find that the stress of being with someone emotionally abusing us has the same effect as physical and emotional.
Something that is ignored in the shelter system is head injury and concussion. Women who go to the shelters often are suffering from concussions and Ling term effects of this. But they are expected to behave as if they are not traumatized and not concussed. There is not recognition of this, and no drs referrals for this. Imo there should be a Dr available to do examination to help with DV victims especially at shelters.
You have my empathy, we have gone through the same types of abuse, and I wish you a good recovery from your trauma and pain. You have my support and I hope you are staying on your side and taking good care of yourself. You deserve this.
Dr Ramani is an exceptional lady. Her knowledge of narcissism is in depth. I love that she's so empathic, so informative.
After visiting my GP with horrendous anxiety caused by rage and verbal as well as psychological abuse inflicted on me by my ex husband, he told me my then husband is a raving narcissist. My ex was also with the same GP. I had heard of narcissism but never fully understood it. I discovered Dr Ramani's videos quite by chance and what she was telling us - it felt like she was a fly on the wall in my home! She was describing my ex. She gave me the courage to file for divorce and I've never looked back.
Thanks for this educative podcast, I have practiced social work for over 20 years, and I use counseling as part of my work, the first time I heard of the concept narcissism, gaslightnig and love bombing was in 2021 from a client referral a young man, he was presenting as a victim of narcissistic abuse and needed my professional help
That 27 minute mark... nails it! It isn't always bad! But the bad is so bad, but makes you feel like you are the crazy one! Yes!
I hope you are doing well an your comment open my eyes too narcissist abuse is real an dangerous
Isaiah 1:18 KJV
“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD:"..............You are a very good teacher Dr. Ramani, clear, concise, without patronizing. I would have liked to have met you. Thank you for your You-Tube channel and books. You have helped many give words to the hell we lived in, and bring light to the darkness. Once you see the truth.......it loses it's power.