Vulnerable narcissists are the worst to be around. They mess with your sanity and are envious of others who are successful. They passive aggressively bring you down to their level and below.
I'm used to the label being covert narcs. And yesss! My ex MIL, after a year of her bs, I matched petty with petty and I felt shitty about it. But I knew it set her insides on fire with anger and for me I was like, you get what you give. It wasn't sustainable bc it was toxic and I became part of it. I left the marriage literally cut the cancer out 2 years ago. Clearly I co-parent with dad but our child knows mom's house is the safe place, we're cozy here bc I am able to be healthy mom. I was anxiety ridden for 5 years. I had the means to leave and the stress dropped right out of me.
It's sheer madness. I know a 62-year-old man who is living off his 84-year-old mother - a retired schoolteacher. He won't work, just got half a million dollars of student loans dismissed (he abused the student loan system and never paid a penny back), never apologizes for his misdeeds, whines about everything, and feels entitled to take whatever he wants from whomever he wants. He also collects Medicaid and food stamps, as well as a monthly stipend from the taxpayers. There is nothing physically wrong with him. He exercises to keep himself "buff", has no friends, owns closets full of designer clothes, expensive cameras, electronics, etc, and uses his food stamp money for anti-aging supplements, then has his mother send him food through the mail. This is a man I have known for many years, and have tried to intervene. He refuses to get any sort of help. 💠
@@todd6900 He got the loans dismissed through the Biden program. I'm sure that it was a good thing for many people, but it didn't scrutinize and allowed frauds like this to slip through. Because his mother sends him food, pays the rent and utilities and doesn't deduct him as a dependent, he gets away with it. Food stamps, btw, pays for many supplements. They have been lumped in with "food". And it gets worse. There were legal problems including having sex with a minor, battering and terrorizing a woman who was living with him, and stealing items from stores and libraries. His parents got him off the hook for all of that and more. I don't mind sharing this if it will help someone else. These people are extremely dangerous.
Yes! Vulnerable COVERT narcissists are terrible! They isolate and financially trap their victims. Been married to one for 25 years. Only recently within the last year found out that I was dealing with a covert narcissist and that NOTHING would ever change for better. He had me trauma bonded and brainwashed into believing that there was hope and light at the end of the tunnel with all of his future faking coupled with threats. And the bastard had me manipulated into believing that it was always my job to repair the bridges that HE kept burning (for HIS mental instability, dysregulation, and HIS choices). Now that I know there is no light at the end of this tunnel, I'm trying to back out of it. I wish there was some financial support for people that are trapped in these situations so they can be liberated from this tyranny and toxicity of the offender. It's literally like living with domestic terrorism in your own home.
Yep. The child is neglected every day and every interaction. As a child, there was no safe space - except being alone. This has made me very content to be alone.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula helped me so much after my divorce from a narcissist. I couldn’t understand what happened until I found her on UA-cam. After listening to her for hours, I understood and was able to move on without feeling guilty. When he tried to get back in my life, I was able to see through his every move and not allow him to creep back in.
I left someone after 20 yrs. I was so afraid of the repercussions, lies and how he would try to destroy me that I stayed way to long. When I gained wisdom and started valuing myself my life changed. He wanted me, the girl friend and threatened suicide. Crazy right.. Praise God I ended the crazy making. Thank you for this conversation. I Pray every one needing to hear this will.
I was married to a narcissist for 15ish years, and by the time I got out I was barely functional. I gave up 2 businesses, an acreage, alimony, and 50% custody (until he threw my daughter out of the house for not cleaning her room right), and she and I lived in a garage for two years until I could get us scraped back out of debt and homelessness. Life would be easier had I been able to stand up for myself, but I was never going to get there psychologically until I was free from him. Totally worth everything I left behind and more. 7 years later we are safe, happy, debt free, and have built ourselves a beautiful place in the world.
30 years with a malignant narcissist. Gaslighting to the point I did question my sanity. When I finally decided to leave he couldn’t take it. I had a mammogram that was abnormal. He told me it was “karma”. Talk about lack of empathy. 8 years free. Some of the best of my life 🙏🏻. Praise God I, and my children, got out.
t@@Winstonrodney6989 I doubt you are a narcisist.You probably have a few qualities,like many people in this culture,where narcissistic ambition is rewarded over the humane empathic treatment of others.If you are introspective and humbled enough to see that you need to make some changes,you are not a narcissist or if you are,very low on the spectrum.
Same here! 30 yrs to a pastor! He, too, thought people that were "mean" to him got sick because God says not to touch His anointed! Ugh He now lives with one of his groupies/flying monkeys from church, and is a mortician cause he lost his job!
How did you get custody of your children. I want to leave my narc husband but I am afraid of leaving my child with him even for half time. He is only 7. I hope you answer.
She is not the only on there are quite a few eg Dr Les Carter Lisa A Romano etc etc I'm so thankful for all their information which had helped me tremendously ❤❤❤❤
Yes. She has changed human relationships with her research, the last big leap of which was back in the 70s when domestic violence laws started to come on the books. She has changed how we see the right and wrong signals. She amazing
This has been what my husband has said for years. I don't know how to meet his needs and mine at the same time. I stopped. I couldn't do it anymore. I stopped with him. I stopped with the kids. I just wanted to keep 50% of me. But even then, it wasn't good enough. I barely do anything when home because I've shut down. So scared of being criticized, saying the wrong thing or being told I'm not doing things right. I love work. It's my escape.
Sorry but this sounds pretty stupid... who can give you what you need, unless you express it openly? How are we supposed to know that you can do that? I guess I should avoid social media, they're really a waste of time...
@@yolandathompson6138 I agree, I am literally the only empath in this town so I know those statistics are wayyyy off. I would say 5 out of 6, me being that 6th man
Yes!! Whenever my friends are in a bad relationship and tell me "but this and this happened to him!". I go "ok and this and this happened to you but are you hurting him and making him miserable and confused??". Flip the script and give yourself that compassion and understanding instead.
Divorced a malignant narcissist after decades of gaslighting, financial abuse, control, etc. Had to leave my home in secret with my child and pets just to survive. It was so worth it to gain my freedom and discover my peace of mind❤
I’m in that situation.. The thought of being homeless is more scary to me. But the emotional, physical and financial abuse is no way to live. Where did you go when you left?
I was threatened constantly with homelessness and when the trauma bond isn't strong enough and you get some independence and self confidence again they will sabotage your life to pit you back into a state of PTSD
When it's Covert for decades you have trouble navigating relationships bx if you don't have a healthy loving trusting relationship to begin with you have nothing to compare it against
Dr Durvasula's book "It's Not You" has changed how I am in the world. She's given me validation I didn't know I needed. I knew my ex- husband (no kids) was a narcissist master gas lighter but reading this book I saw how I was "groomed" by a narcissist from birth. Needles to say tough but satisfying to finally start healing. BTW I'm 64.
I am 68, I will read this book. I am constantly realizing how many narcissists were "grooming" and hurting me from birth onward. A doctor, 35 years ago, who had never seen me before, looked at me and said, " I NEVER get involved in my patient's personal lives, HOWEVER, I HAVE TO TELL you, Your marriage to this man is LITERALLY KILLING YOU!" It was, I knew I would die from his abuse and neglect or I would end my own life to try to escape the pain. That being said, he has NEVER STOPPED hurting me and our children, never. I thought I got us out soon enough, he married a worse "Narc," than he is, and together they mounted even worse control battles to rip our children up. He took ALL of the money and property we had both worked for. ( I let the house go, the stress was making my youngest son so sick, he was in the hospital.) I love my family but they have scapegoated me and wounded me badly, by abandoning me, lying about me, and I believe it is because over half of them were abusive to me, in many ways, and I was the youngest daughter ( two younger brother.) Our youngest brother committed suicide at age 48, he is and was a tremendous person, I have to wonder if he was abused as well, because deep depression hit him out of the blue and he was afraid of how people would view him because he couldn't work anymore, because we all grew up working very hard and being responsible. I tried so hard to love and be there for my children, to be accepting, and accessible, and I am now being abandoned by my own daughters. I am devastated, I know that they are having some huge trials. They know very well that I will sacrifice and share everything with them. I don't know how to feel about myself, I/we never abandoned our mother, not ever. I will die alone with no one, maybe one son, if his wife will allow it.
It was so validating to hear Dr Ramani say some of her patients are waiting for one to die. That's how I felt about my mom. It was tough when she finally did die at 92. The grief I felt wasn't that she was gone, but that she would never say I was ok. It's been 3 years and I can finally see she had some good qualities, but I don't miss her and I'm glad she's gone!
I agree with everything you said. Relief when my mom died. I was relieved the emotional abuse would never happen again, sad because we would never have the relationship I had hoped for. 🙏
@@RS54321 Because I was not exactly like her, she could never acknowledge that the choices I made about even the simplest of things (like what I ate for breakfast, or how I took my tea) were perfectly acceptable choices for an adult to make. She told my brother she thought she had not been a very good mom to me, but she never apologized to me herself.
You are ok. You are wonderful and beautiful. I’m sorry you could never hear the important words from your mom. I feel very confident that you are a good person. God bless!
Actually, most narcissists lose empathy due to early abuse. Nature may load the gun but nurture pulls the trigger. Complete change may not be possible but behavioural modification certainly is. That's said, if you are in an abusive relationship, put yourself first and seek help.
I don’t think it’s about them being born without empathy or being unable to change. It seems that inborn lack of empathy is being questioned even in psychopaths, let alone being suddenly considered a feature of narcissism, but also: anecdotally, in my experience, it’s clear that at least most narcissists have a perfectly intact - if sometimes underdeveloped and almost always misdirected - capacity for empathy. I think denying that is deeply unfair either to them or us, depending on whether it leads us to justify dehumanizing them or to think we shouldn’t hold them accountable for their choices because we’re under the impression they can’t help their behavior. Or, worse, to the normalization of dehumanizing someone because of things we’re under the impression they can’t help, which is bad for everyone. In my opinion, the problem with narcissists has nothing to do with inability and everything to do with unwillingness and outright resistance. They could change, but they’re too attached to their grandiose defenses, the defenses to those defenses, and/or their framework of perception - and scared shitless to let go of them - to do so. They feel empathy and guilt, but they’re too preoccupied with their ego and/or it’s defenses to put others first, second, or tenth; to prioritize others enough to even look at their wants and needs enough to possibly care at all, let alone to consider them as equal when those wants and needs compete with their own. Don’t get me wrong, my conclusion is essentially the same as what your comment implies: don’t hold out for change. I just think the dynamic is different.
@@EIizabethGrace As a narcissist who is trying to change, I wrote very long reaction to this video but yes, you are right. We are extremely attached to our defenses. It was the only thing that kept us safe and relatively sane. To challenge it requires facing massive cognitive dissonance and accumulated pain which is strong enough to make you want to kill yourself. We may be telling ourselves we are better but unconsciously we have proof that we couldn't cope with the pain in the past (at least not in a healthy way) aka proof that we were "weak". And if you built your life around your deluded sense of self, to go against your ego is like going against your whole identity which would be effin' difficult even for a person without severe maladaptive patterns. I did follow through with it because I am too proud to rely on external validation. I ended up in a psychotic state for 3 or 4 days. Not fun. I am now (after two years) more aware of the impact of my actions. However, I still do not have emotional empathy and I still feel no guilt and I still occasionally slip if I am not careful. Again, not fun. Constant (or almost constant) mindfulness is mentally draining. This is not an excuse, just the NPD's point of view. I still believe if you are in an abusive relationship or in a relationship which drains your energy you should put yourself first and seek help.
@@NikaAInéZvieratá Glad for you you are on your recovery path. This doctor really gives me the eek in the way she talks about this. I find it extremely disturbing she is the reference for this issue, but I suppose there are some people that are victimized and can only find the will to protect themselves after adhering to very radical points of view in order to take action and this point of view helps them, i can only hope. But in general, I find it very detrimental to society in general to speak of mental issues in this way, anyhow. You seem super well informed, but if you have not yet checked out the work of Dr. Bessel Van der kolk and also the channel Psychology in Seattle here on YT, I find those approaches and conceptualizations around Personality disorders much more helpful, for me at least. Wish you all the best on your journey.
Mine had lots of abandonment at an early age. Had to decide which parent, in a courtroom, at 6, to go with. Father promised lots of things if he went with him. Didn’t see his mother again until 17 bc father took him away.
how about accepting people as they are and even love them anyway? Has it ever crossed your mind, that a doctor doesn't want people to feel complete and healthy, but full of flaws?!? Once you removed the narcs, are there any decent people left? I dare to doubt it... By the way, narcissistic traits are just common, so unless we want to live alone on the top of the hill, we'll have to live with them...
We have incentivised narcissistic people. It's partly a culture that teaches you have to constantly compete and promote yourself to get ahead. Humility should be rewarded.
Dr Ramani’s videos and books helped me so much after I left a 30 year toxic marriage - understanding narcissistic abuse helped me make sense of what had happened to me. Four years free now 🎉
I love how Dr. Ramani shares in her book, "It's Not You," that she experienced narcissism in her family, friends, work and her partner and it's why she is an expert today. You can't explain this form of abuse and have someone really get what happened to you, unless they experience it first hand. After having the courage to leave, and discovering her work, I will heal in a profound way, and I will always and forever be changed.
My mother was a respected teacher in a small community. She, IMO, was a covert narcissist and addicted to conflict/drama/anger... she was beloved my many who did not know how she behaved at home. I thought it was normal but later realized, by socializing with friends, lovers, and co-workers, how she exploited my need to be loved and cared for for her personal fulfillment, like a vampire. It took me decades to build up the courage to let go because shes my mom and i love her dearly. Years later, I can honestly say im so much better off.
My Mom was the same, later in life she became a small town politician, the church going, the endless need for control. Oddly when I lived thousands of miles away I talked to her all the time, but when I moved back to the same state we fell out within a year. I could not allow her to manipulate me to control my life, my partners life. It’s been 5 years of no contact.
@@shinewithheartmy mom did the same, my stepfather is no better in ways more volatile more overt, but he was always blamed for everything. My real father, whose parentage was kept from me for 40 years, was the shared target of both my mom and stepfather. Utterly destroyed him. Never knew him, he passed a year ago. The secrets that dual narc parents keep could fill tomes. Never accountable. Many of my siblings have come to have these same traits. Run away! lol
@@shinewithheartman we have followed super similar paths. I broke away 4 months before Covid, then that actually helped keep me no contact. My partner and I left that state last year and moved as far away from that state as possible and still be in the US. I didn’t realize till a couple months ago that I had been “frozen” even though I was no contact. Living in the same state/metro I was on edge that they would/could drop by at any moment. Now they’d have to get on a plane and odds of that are low. My mom would write xmas cards to three of my best friends. Until my one friend (who is only a few years younger than her) wrote a scathing letter back. Sadly I lost that friend to cancer a few months ago. He had been such a rock for me. My best friend of over 20 years. So I feel you losing a pet is just as sorrowful. She also turned two of my siblings away from me. 2 others had already chosen her camp. Flying monkey older brothers. The running away really helped. I feel you ShinewithHeart! Xoxo
@@shinewithheart I’m the second youngest out of a Brady-bunch of 7. I was the introvert off in the corner minding my own business tuning out the rest of them with my nose in a book under a tree far from the house. 4 of my oldest sibling ran away from home to go live with their other parents when I was around 10/12 years old. Leaving the youngest 3 left with my parents, who had moved us out of the city to a very rural community. Dirt road rural, 2 miles in either direction to the next road. Very isolated. I spent the next 6 years planning my own escape and when I went to college I never looked back, but briefly. The phrase “You can never go back” fits perfectly my attempt in 2018 when I did try to go back. I thought that my family had matured, grown, healed from all the chaos of decades past, but it was all just rose tinted glasses as I was seeing them on their best behaviors when I visited. Turns out that it was I who had matured and they who wanted me back into my place as the docile introvert subservient to their whims. Yes we are strong! Takes a lot of courage to look into the face of ones family and walk away. The only sibling I am in contact with was discarded by the group before me, she has a lot of things to work on as well and I’m nervous about getting too close to her. Protecting my life with my partner is my number 1 priority and I don’t want to bring in chaos.
It's funny how you mention al-anon. The lessons I learned in al-anon actually helped me get out of a narcissistic relationship. I didn't know it was narcissistic abuse until over a year after i left him, but the all-anon lesson that always stuck with me is that you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Same! I had been going to Al anon for 2 years before I left. I didn't know he was a narcissist until after I left him. My sister sent me videos because her therapist thought our mom might have been one, but all I could see was my ex's behaviour.
Breadwinner was the Matriarch of a family of semi-functional alcoholics, and im pretty sure those old al-anon flyers in the pile of abandoned black books helped me a lot too. Serenity Prayer.
I discovered her years ago and her knowledge changed everything for me in understanding my Step Children’s mother. Understanding that she wasn’t just randomly difficult and high conflict, but that she had a predictable personality style was so clarifying. I slowly was able to stop taking every negative reaction personally and with a lot of self work and the help of a 12 step program I now sponsor and guide women through and out of narcissistic relationships. Her work has helped countless lives. ❤
@@cayceesmith2650 started with 12 step work which lead to a spiritual awakening, parts work, shadow alchemy and now I’m going even deeper with the Gene Keys. There are many paths and many tools. If you are open to it I recommend praying for your next step to be shown to you. I wish everyone love, strength and support on your own personal journeys.
Yes is the 12 step program al-anon or a different one? I have no family and only 1 good friend. I'm nervous since I have been with him since 18 yrs old and I just turned 40 on Saturday.
@@GeminiTwinning Co-Dependents Anonymous or Alanon (if alcohol is involved). That sounds like a very challenging situation so finding a support community and ideally a solid sponsor would be very helpful.
It might be ACOA, which is slightly different than Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family members of active alcoholics. ACOA uses the same 12 step model but for people with childhood trauma/dysfunctional families that may or may not have included alcoholism as a part of the chaos
I learn more every day. I was raised by a narcissistic mother long before mental health was a thing (I am 64 years old). It is nice to know I am not near as crazy as she tried to make me out to be. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do.
My ex husband is a malignant narcissistic and he has abused many vulnerable people. What has been the hardest part to heal from was his complete lack of ability to ever once say he was wrong or sorry 💔. 20 years of abuse and not once could he appoligize to me 😢. I was never going to get closure or understanding or change, and yes as soon as my youngest turned 18 I packed my car and fled while my ex was out of town. I had to give myself closure and rebuild myself and recreate a new life. The happy news is I did rebuild myself and eventually found my new partner who is loving, humble, affectionate, supportive, and I can feel safe and secure with. ❤
As someone who has encountered NPD individuals, the withdrawing attention, affection as a means to bewilder and confuse their supply, can inflict emotional injury and trauma. Establishing firm boundaries and avoiding the triangulation of the NPD individual to keep yourself safe. Outstanding podcast!
My ex was undermining all my relationships in every single aspect of my life our whole relationship, and I didn't know, and also our own children eventually, and he wasn"t the first. I had teachers since small and aunts and cousins who did this. Even now, I know so many people think things about me and are actually afraid and on edge, angry around me, so much so that I cannot even approach them to find out what has been said. My ex is so convincing he is a victim. I have a sister like this too, and even family I no longer have contact with due to the set up. He lovebombed them when he lovebombed me so they believed him when he was deliberately undermining and destroying all my relationships and acting like the victim. Even when they have since had fallouts with each other it is too dangerous now to ever let them in my life again, and the abuse from teachers which started when I was small was jealousy and hatred towards my dad, a very competent teacher. It wasn't only to him. It affected other teachers' kids too, mostly girls. My dad was hired where they wanted to fire incompetence, until a new administration came in that was toxic and insecure. I have to stay where my children can have the best schooling I can provide but we lost our home as he intended which had two rentals that would have helped support me as I have nothing else, but a city councilor brought a businessman to my home saying it was a city program to carry my mortgage for me so I could buy my husband out and they stole my home out from under me. City, county, police corrupt. They refused to investigate that they let my ex steal from me. He was psychopathically sadistic and very skilled in hurting us in every way and had a narc attorney. Judges are abusive. I am hanging on for my children two more years. I am all alone. I came here legally and he got citizenship without me and I have nothing here but I am trapped trying to give my children the opportunity to move ahead. We have had nothing but abuse and legal abuse. The Hague Convention prevented me from leaving with my children, he controlled everything, kept my car unsafe, and his threats of what would happen to the children until he could take everything from me. He has all the support and all the fun and I was an older mum so life is pretty bleak. I have to use fish antibiotics to try to keep healthy because I have pretty much lost half my teeth and my jaw bone because he wouldn't let me get dental after our son was born here even though we had dental coverage and then I ended up in divorce where he lied about everything. I lost my amazing abilities in early high school because a teacher told the students and me no one would get to go on a trip because I was in her class and she hated my dad. She allowed them to line up and hit me over the head with books, as many as they could hold, every day over and over in her class for weeks while she smirked. I would black out over and over and my face hit the desk over and over. It really hurt, but it also took my abilities away. I went through a severe PTSD like experience for two years at night in my mid-twenties when I finally felt safe that also severely interrupted and undermined my life. I thought my worst aunt could not harm me anymore and then I met my husband. I had already been with a psychopath narcissist teacher prior who used, drugged, and tried to destroy me. Every time I thought I met someone decent, even a friend, they were this type. My grandpa was also sadistic to my dad. His uncle was a narcissist, a quite famous journalist who took advantage of him when he went to live with him as a child. My aunt was his goldenchild. That is why my dad was vulnerable and that made me vulnerable.
The narc I divorced and am still living with until our son goes off to college in a month, literally does not say ONE WORD to me. Not in private, and not when our son is around. This is a 67 year old person. A 67 year old who acts like a petulant child. I can not WAIT to be away from this toxic, horrific BABY.
I hope your life after the son is off in college is better. Sorry that it happened to you, and I wish you the best in helping your son sort things out.
I woke up this whole thing 6 years ago. I systematically removed all narcissistic, toxic and emotionally immature people from my life. I now live a rich and fulfilling life. ❤️🙌🏻👊🏻🙏🏻
Always remember that someone with highly narcissistic tendencies will present as a good person too... It takes time to see the negatives so go slow . This is the biggest thing I have learned about their masks ... you might NEVER see the narcissistic traits if you only casually see this person sometimes their "bad traits" come out the closer you are to them , the more time you spend with them and sometimes only if they view you as their source of supply !!!😢💔💝💯
Sometimes, they WON'T show those traits UNTIL AFTER a person marries them. I didn't know how to recognize those behaviors, when I married the first time 48 years ago. Looking back, his constant efforts to compromise my purity ( we are to wait until marriage to share sexual intimacy) I kept wondering when the "nice" him, that I knew for FIVE years before we every married. My daughters said, " Mom, you didn't KNOW the REAL him UNTIL you were engaged, the other one was fake." I will never escape the negative effects of what he did to us and to our children in this mortal life. I feel worse for our children, I thought I got them out so they wouldn't have to keep suffering. He and his family were too controlling, he told me for MANY years that If I EVER TOLD ON HIM, that he would spend his entire life destroying me. It hurts me more to see how he has destroyed and betrayed our children.
@@bonnylouwho76 these people are insane; to want to destroy those closest to them and take a secret deep pleasure in doing so is beyond comprehension. Truly hideous souls
My husband's mother has a lot of qualities of narcissism: inconsistency, false memory, manipulative, grandiosity, etc. and it's been frustrating for me to see how he continues to want to connect to her and makes every effort to accomodate her needs. This episode helped me understand why he does this and feel more sympathetic to his need to remain connected to her even though she doesn;t make him feel safe.
My husband has the same mother. She’s evil in the form of a grandma. She’s 80 and came to my house. I told her to leave because she was being disrespectful. She told me to shove her out. Because of Dr.Ramini help me identify her behavior and I told my mother in law just go.
Thanks for this! 1 in 6! That makes so much sense and i hate when therapists and others say things like “narcissism is a buzzword and you need to stop calling everyone a narcissist “ like NO! Lots of people are in fact narcissistic and that gaslighting of victims needs to stop
Absolutely. Yes it is thrown around a lot but it is a huge issue in our society that is finally getting some attention! Does it really matter if the toxic person would qualify for narcissism if this concept and awareness helps the victims of it to get away?
Love this. So healing for me. As someone who uses dating apps and frequently attracts narcs, this discussion is highly relevant to me. It's a difficult dilemma for me trying to go against familiarity and 'chemistry' to find a healthy connection , but I feel like I'm getting there. One thing I discovered for myself recently is that physical chemistry can develop over time with someone who's good for you, so don't write somebody off just because there wasn't an initial spark in the intimacy department.
Well if you didn't know, chances are they also didn't know. None of us are perfect. At least you were happy. I look back too & I know what you mean. I am thankful though for all the good stuff. That's what I try to take away from it all, forgiving the wrong as I'd want others to forgive me, when I've been wrong. Nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself though and you should, then you won't have to be so sad, because you can take care of you and that's a great feeling. 😊
I don’t blame you. I didn’t start interacting with my husband’s family until we got engaged, and I did not see the “fun”, “happy”, “loving” family he described to me. Instead I saw a passive-aggressive, mom’s-way-or-the-highway, enmeshed family. And this woke my husband up to the treatments he received/receives as the family scapegoat. It’s been 7 years, and we’ve limited contact with my in-laws now.
Dr. Ramani is a lifesaver. I am regaining my sense of self and my strength because of her. I have suffered a lifetime of narcissism from both parents, and I am the scapegoat child. I feel very undervalued and I’m extremely empathetic. She’s made me realize how much this has hurt me and what to do to change this dynamic. “To thy own self be true.” Narcissistic persons will never honor this statement. I have chosen to walk away. The rage is unbelievable but so it shall be.
Yes! Many of us need to remind ourselves.... Throw the back story away! Stop with all the justifications if they are not taking responsibility for their actions. Thank you, Dr. Ramani and Mayim for this video.
The only sorry I have ever gotten in decades is "well I'm sorry you see it that way, but it's not true"...which was gaslighting, but they counted it as an apology.
I like how you mentioned society is telling us not to have needs. "No expectations." Maybe with strangers, but when you're starting a relationship with someone it's imperative you both care about and talk about what each other's needs are. If you can't feel safe it can easily be an abusive relationship.
My favorite podcasters in one video. Love!! I was raised by a somewhat narcissistic mother with a very sad backstory. I've dated more than my fair share of narcissistic men and had many friends who either are narcissists or lean that way. I lost purported friends who couldn't listen to me anymore when the rumination after a very bad breakup went on far too long. Gaslighting, love bombing, bread crumbing, hoovering.....and I'm educating myself with good information such as this. I have been alone for 7 or 8 years. I saw my parents through their end of life journeys. I'm 57 and am finally free and am learning how to be in this weird and wonderful world. I love the dating homework idea. I have a fragile sense of hope, and I nurture it. I'm going to rewatch this several times. Much appreciated this conversation!!
I was married to a clinically diagnosed narcissist for about 7 years. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what narcissism was at the time. Man, this happened about 20 years ago, and it feels like yesterday. Im done with relationships in general.
I imagine it's unusual for a narcissist to get a clinical diagnosis and that somehow they'd try to spin it into a "positive" anyway. I am content with saying that if they don't have NPD, they sure have a lot in common with someone who does. 😂😮❤
I was married for 25 years married to a 5 out of 6. He was brilliant, highly educated, good looking and had a PHD in gaslighting. He would jump from one to anotherwhich made it very confusing. From money, to invalidation, evaluation etc I experienced it all. I worked on myself non stop, produced what he wanted like a hamster in a wheel. Divorced him 7 years ago and he is hoovering creatively still. I am taking a break, since I discovered I grew up with a family of narcissists and only dated various combinations of them. I had to learn and figure this out by myself and I am so thrilled that Dr, Ramani summarized the problem. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Oh my word, when I began reading your comment, I thought that I had run onto one of my OWN comments. I was married to a very similar narc. I am now realizing just how many narcs were in my own family. I am the scapegoated one because my marriages didn't work out, ( due to you know what.) I finally decided that I WAS NOT going to allow anyone as much as possible to invade my personally protective haven. ( as far as you can have one that you rent as you don't have resources to buy another house after divorces.) I am 34 years out from the first divorce from the biggest most heartbreaking Narc, the father of our children.
I’ll send the link of this episode immediately to a dear friend that has left a narcisistic husband recently at her early 70’s, after more than 40 years of suffering him. She still felt guilty. I do hope that this episode will help her to ease the guilt. After watching it, it will ease mine if I’d be her! Standing ovation to Mayim, JC, all MBB team and Dr. R. Durvasula! How I’d have wanted my friend Pat would have meet her on time!
Woooww. I came out of a 7 year traumatic relationship with a narcissist and this conversation nailed EXACTLY the kind of things I went through. It was miserable and I loved him so much!!!! I couldn't jump through enough hoops to accommodate his erratic expectations. I never knew which version I was going to meet each time. Would totally love bomb me one day, and the very next day would be calling me names and accusing me of horrible things without any reason, other than texting "good morning sunshine" to him.
Something said in this video really helped me understand why my narcissistic mother behaved the way she did with regard to supporting me. She loved to swoop in particularly when I was going through a breakup or pregnancy something like that and make alllll kinds of promises and acting so caring. When during the relationship when things were good especially, she would totally disengage, often for years at a time. Showing no interest in me or even in knowing or spending time with her grandchildren. When I was really struggling and actually asked her to do something, even just be there emotionally, I'd get an eye roll, invalidation, and she even convinced other family members to behave the same towards me. I got extremely ill after my divorce with a severe neurological condition and she convinced the whole extended family to block me without a word. Growing up my dad was abusive so for a long time I didn't see how much she had harmed me in so many more subtle ways. Going no contact was the best thing I've ever done.
A good example of a hollow empath would be that they cry at watching animal videos, but they will literally go out to play basketball with friends while you just endured an epileptic seizure, saying it's "too much" for them. This actually happened in my marriage to a malignant narcissist.
The "i like animals more than I like people types" piss me off sometimes. Its like oh you like someone or something that cant talk back that you can project your personality on. I know too many people that have "compassion" for animals but would let most people starve on the street. I feel like its being encouraged by todays society. (Our society is run by sociopathic narccisists so I guess we shouldnt be surprised.)
Experienced that myself. He cried about a hot UA-cam personality who survived a plane crash, but he wouldn't come see me when I was in the hospital, not did he inquire about how I was after I was discharged.
I have been terrified all of my life of a person over what they will say or do. How they will again turn people against me. How i will look loose everything and everyone. Tormented by memories. Trying to follow all the rules the give to keep the peace. Feeling like i am loosing my mind. This helps my understanding to identify what is happening.
I come from a family of a whole other class of narcissists. I call them Bourgeois Narcissists. They are poor AF because they think chairs were invented for them to sit in so the world can serve them. They are bitter and resentful because the world has not been served to them on a silver platter but couldn't imagine that they would be expected to help themselves. Anyway...I love Dr. Durvasula and have learned much from her channel. As always when you add Mayim and Jonathan into the convo it gets deeper, more interesting and always educational. Shine On beautiful souls.
The way I knew it wasn't ME, is because no human being ever treated me so horribly, or said such awful things to me......not my first husband, not any boyfriend, friends, etc. it was outrageous behavior.
Exactly. I thought it was me for years until I realised that no friend treats me like my narcissistic family members do. Furthermore, work colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers often treat me better so it can't be me, can it?
i was in a relationship with a self proclaimed narcissist for almost 18 years. Then he had a stroke. Totally changed his personality. Now such a loving and compassionate partner. It saved our relationship as strange as it seems.
Bloody hell a cured Narcissist. Like a unicorn. I’m really happy for you both. He got lucky. Some people have strokes recover fully yet speak with a foreign accent thereafter. I’m fascinated by yr account. Tell Dr Ramani
Great episode. My mother had narcissist traits and I spent 10-years in a relationship with a narcissist. I am trying to recover from it. It just destroys you in a way that it is hard to get out of it. Takes time. I am glad people are learning more about these dynamics and how it affects people. It is so difficult to find support and for people to believe what you are going through.
Boulder, Colorado is full of Narcissists. I have never in my life seen this many damaged people in one place, EVER. Everyone thinks this place is great and aesthetically, it is, but when you live here it’s a completely different experience. I regret moving here and now I can’t afford to get out!
@@mtm5783 it’s not the old people or the hippies though, it’s progressive young people who have it in their minds that they’re the next Steve Jobs but in reality they turn out to be more like Elizabeth Holmes. Faking it until they “make it”. I feel like this is a result of people telling all children that they’re special and destined for greatness, when 99.9% of them are not destined for anything great in particular. They all want to be super wealthy and exclusive but they don’t really have what it takes. They’re more manipulative of things that already exist rather than imaginative or creative. They jump on trends, not create them.
Dr Ramani Durvasula has made the biggest difference in my life- her youtube videos and 2 of her books helped me to heal and get out from under the narcissists in my life. I'm now able to spot these red flags in new, budding relationships and friendships in my life. "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" And "Don't You Know Who I Am?" Those are the 2 books that impacted my life for the better 💪
I'm glad to hear that. I follow her, too, but sometimes feel like it's validation and doesn't give enough specific tips on moving forward . I appreciate this
@@abbyz13 oh I'm not denying that, because it was for me too. But then we need to go beyond that, to recognize the red flags and carry on with our lives in a healthy way.
@@abbyz13 oh I'm not denying that, because I needed that too. But we also need to know where to go after that, to recognize the red flags and learn to live in a healthy way, so that we can go back to living
Watching Dr. Ramani's videos really helped me process and work through my past with a narcissist. Between therapy and learning through her videos I have accepted my past and am confident I won't repeat my patterns. Love her!
The best way to describe them is this: they take every expression of your love as a license to harm you. It took me 20 years to realize this. That is how evil and insidious they are and they continually and I mean every hour of every day, blame you. They are profoundly dangerous. Walk away. Keep walking. You will heal. I hope it doesn’t take you as long as it took me, but you will heal. People can be very cruel. Imagine being so ugly inside that you seek to hurt others. This is not a creature made in the image of god, is it? Good luck out there ❤ to the humans.
Love means accepting a person as s/he is. All this intellectualization of emotions is the real issue. As long as two people can respect each other, and grow together, there can be love, even in the presence of narcissism. Problem is, women are never satisfied, because their fragile ego is the worst and the most listened to of their consultants.
She is amazing. I listen to all of her interviews and bought the book. So glad to see you two interview her. You are one of the few people who pronounced her name right, adn she never corrects them! Such a lovely , humble, very smart soul. This is great getting to watch the three of you together!
Holy cow! I'm ordering this book now! 🤗 This is the 1st time in my life that I've come across something that describes my childhood so well. My mother & brother are both combo types. Growing up I was always walking on egg shells around them (not my father or sister though). People would often say 'you're mom's the greatest ... I wish she was mine" (they'd say it about my brother to). I would think "you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors!!". It took me until I was 53 yrs old to walk away permanently from my mom & brother (my sister & father passed away several yrs ago). I wish I could have done this 30+ yrs ago. I also just left a toxic work environment (Narc. boss & 2 team members). They were described by the Dr also. Time to heal more - so I can learn how to avoid or deal with these people in the future. 🤗❤ 🥰 Thank you Mayim & Jonathan!
Sometimes I think I am led to watch certain videos on UA-cam. This morning was one of them. For the last hour thinking about my cousin who has very strange characteristics of a narcissist. She promises the moon the stars and the Sun but like the air she is not there. Then there is my mother who had a bartering system. One time my mother made a list of everything she had ever done for me. No such thing as unconditional love. The only person I grew up knowing she loved me was my grandmother. After years of psychotherapy in my 40s and now today I have the cap on my story of my life of my life. Thank you
Dr. Ramani's acknowledgment of "empty empathy" was validating. There were times when I felt weirded out by a friend who liked to preach about empathy a lot, and would sometimes give this grand performance of empathy to or around others, but it didn't feel like real empathy.
This is my sister. She is my hero. Our childhood, especially her, was controlled by our narcisstic mum. I've always been in awe of her. She can always see the behaviours and talk me through it from her perspective. I went through all up 26 yrs of in the relationship NA. The last was 15 with what began with a vunerable narcissist which evolved to a malignant narcissist who had many DVO's. I have since been recognised as a victim of crime with adverse effects. However, she has stood by me the whole way and has been so important in my last 3 years of recovery. Even before I truely understood who he was, she knew. Through watching mainly your videos, and my therapist, I am healing and I resonate so much with you. Your kind, logical and honesty has finally allowed me to understand it wasn't me. That was his cohesive, manipulative abusive deportment.
My personal experience 23 years married divorced and 14 years not married but in another narcissistic relationship. My nervous system has been through it!!!
Dr Ramani is an absolute rockstar. Her input helped me SO much with saying good bye to my toxic relationship with a very malignant narcissist. Her work is amazing.
If I could ask Dr. Ramani a question, it would be, if you leave a narcissist and are co-parenting, how do you protect your child from the trauma bond with the other parent?
That is what the narcissist always said is that I am to sensitive. He threw bread crumbs, marginalized me and bullied me. I now do a work around with this narcissist.
As a person who is recovered from BPD and am increasingly aware over ti.e of how truly narcissistic i was, i am going to refute Dr. Ramani about whether these people can change. Yes, we can. Im not saying it is common. Im not saying people should hold their breath for seeing that change in a loved one. But im saying they do have the ability to change. I changed. Now i carry a lot of guilt and shame for the way i affected people by my narcissistic traits. I wish i could go back and change it. In my internal landscape, i am painfully aware of the little voices of those traits that still haven't died inside of me. But i understand it all so much better now. And i have developed other traits that i live out of more dominantly to be a better person. We are not lost causes, but we are hard cases.
The idea going around about NPD being incurable and these people "can never change" is absolutly toxic. If we assume 1 in 6 qualifies, this would mean 16% of the population should be cancelled, blocked deleted and kept away from any intimate relationship. This is wrong ! As the son of a man diagnosed with NPD, a man who had the most abused childhood one could imagine and struggle his whole with suicidality, I can testifie ! My father is healing, and I am proud to have been able to be a source of love and empathy for tihs incredible man.
@charlesnormandin1509 that I so awesome and encouraging to read. My children, despite all my mistakes and the pain it caused, have been like that for me. They have forgiven me and loved me through my worst. Now I just keep changing and getting better because someone did actually love me and maintain a relationship with me and not throw me away. You have done a wonderful thing and I'm happy for you both 😊
BPD may be different though because we do feel a sense of shame over what we did. I don't know if the narc ever feels their own shame. And if they don't they will never change.
I think bpd is different. And it is totally curable, i agree. Have had some bpd traits myself that i've been able to heal over time (the voices are still there, i know what you mean).
@@DeborahBelew I tried to unalive myself when the abuse was at its breaking point. When I "failed," I told my husband what I did (he was folding clothes atm - what a keeper eh?), and that I needed to go to the hospital for help. Without looking up at me or stop what he was doing, he replied: "There's nothing a hospital can do you for that I can't do for you." (And that is a direct quote word for word because it is seared into my brain as being the cruelest words anyone has ever said to me) It was at that moment I came to the realization that this person did not love me. He would rather have me die in his possession than help me get the medical treatment I so desperately needed. Little did I know that 2 years later, HE would be the one to die in a freak accident. Three years after his death, and I'm still dealing with C-PTSD and prolonged grief disorder because I never got the closure I needed.
@beingbettertoday I hear you. I'm in therapy now and I think it's helping but everything is still so fresh I'm mainly doing it for my kids so they can get therapy because they have nightmares, etc, and even so young, one of them said suicidal things everyday. Since we left, he has only said he wishes he didn't have his life, etc. 2 times in a few weeks. ⅜And he had asked me about wearing all black and chains, and I thought, "Oh Lord, we have to figure this out." I didn't tell him no, I just said, " Oh yeah? I like black too. Show me what you're talking about." Now, since we left, he's been showing me white jeans that he likes better, and I thought, wow, this is weird, like symbolic. Anyways, all that to say, if the stress of living under that can cause a 7 year old to want to die, then I'm not surprised you went through the same desperation. Mine wanted to end me himself, and it got really scary the way he would glare through me for committing no crime against anyone. Having a bunch of children gave me the strength to hold it together for them, but I was starving myself of food and sleep trying to meet everyone's needs except my own. I believe he was going to kill me (because he told me multiple times that he wanted to with crazy eyes and balled up fists), or I was going to die trying to save Him over my children's sanity. I think I got out before it truly wrecked me, and they are young, so with therapy, hopefully, the curse is broken. He didn't believe in outside sources of help either. God was the savior, doctor, therapist, etc. My children are scheduled for dental surgeries because no dentist was ever good enough to trust, and now I am legally in charge of all decisions for them. It just got darker and darker. I still don't think I could have left without my only girlfriend I confided in over the years. And God opened every door, no hang-ups at all, and I've got the perfect lawyer thanks to the shelter telling me who to go to. There's a lot of life left for us. And a lot of life left for you!
There are massive overlaps in the types as she said. IMO more than one in six. An empathetic person is a rare thing in my life and experience. It is an extremely serious thing because the whole planet is going under because of them. The way they shifted into the therapy ad was class!
She saved me. Opened my eyes and helps me process my relationship every day. Ive cracked the door and shed light on my narcissistic parent, and first and second marriage! So much understanding and healing. So grateful for her. Now focusing on helping my kids cope and not repeat.
I’ve been watching Dr Ramani for a while now and every time she goes through the different narcissistic types, I think to myself my mother is every single one of them. Depending on the situation she switches the act in a matter of a second! But the level of hatred and aggression that she successfully sells as love and care that no one else can replicate, is astonishing. I can never have tolerance of what she is. The only safe space for me is sadly no contact.
Narcissistic protection comes from owning ones self. My daughter and I recently had this conversation. The antidote we came up with was owning one's Self. Be your own candy bar. Find your power.
I was communal but married a malignant. He destroyed me as a person. I had to rebuild, I still am! My point is: Low key narcissist CAN change if they HAVE to. I had to in order to survive him.
It is so cool that you have Dr. Ramini Durvasula in this episode. I have seen her in many UA-cam videos describing and explaining narcissism and people who are narcissist. We have all delt with narcissistic people at one time or another. My Tuesdays are so awesome with this podcast. Much love to you beautiful Mayim! ❤
Before I put myself into therapy, I attempted suicide. When my dad heard about the incident he drove 2 hours to see me and was really pissed off and frustrated at me that he drove 2 hours and wasted a bunch of gas for nothing seeing that I was alive. He said that to me. At least if I was dead, the gas money he wasted would have been justified. Apparently it was a huge inconvenience lol. I realized he never loved me. And that was a good thing to realize finally. And I'm okay with it I've come to peace. Remember to love yourself and give yourself a chance. Even if the narcissist is your parent, you still deserve love and validation and to surround yourself with those you love and who truly love you.
I cannot explain how important this topic is too me and sooo many who have dealt with this for years in shameful silence. I feel so weak and cowardly after years of this type of persons. This discussion is extremely helpful.
WTF!!!🤢 You just turned my life upside down😰In every sentence you talked about the narcicist, you talked about my mother and "little" Sister(she is 19). In every sentence you talked about the People who live with narcicist's, you discribed me and my dad!! He ist the sweetest guy I know💖 I can't discribe how I feel right now.... Thank you. Thank you so much!!! These informations are worth more than I can say. I want the whole MBB Team to have all the Luck and Happyness and Savety in the World. I will go find help now for my dad and me. Thank you💞
Omg I am getting this book!! I want to keep watching and listening but my PTSD is being triggered at the same time…i will take this in bits and pieces with time. Thank you for this!
The problem is if they have children, they are at great risks to become narcissists themselves (because they are abandoned in their need for love and connection) plus the way our society is structured really encourages narcisstistic personality traits. They might become even more prevalent
After reading the title of this vlog I finally understand my thoughts about " do I life in an Narcisstic world?, are there kind 'normal' people who can live a friendly live.
Dr Durvasula helped me identify my mother. Growing up I knew something was off with her but never knew exactly what it was. She is extremely abusive (verbally, physically, mentally, you name it) and all that she did to me - the incidents that I’ve spoken up about after much courage - she tells my dad that I’m imagining everything and I made everything up. I’m still struggling in my relationship with her, but I’m going through healing process while figuring out the boundaries I need to set with her. Thank you Dr. Durvasula. You have helped so many out there.
Thank you Mayim for having Dr. Ramini on your UA-cam channel. I found your episode both informative and enlightening on the subject of Narcissism from an analytical point of view as one who had a malignant Narcissistic parent. Survival has been a key element in growing up, but learning how to thrive as an adult has been a process which your program has helped.
@@MayimBialikHello Mayim ❤ needless to say that I adore you in Big Bang Theory but most importantly, seeing you here with Dr. Ramani, it is such a gift.. it helps me to stay grounded in reality and it pushes me even more to leave the toxic relationship I find myself in. Logically I know why I ended up here but subconsciously it is all that I knew for most of my life, having had my parents which are narcissists (now I’m in no contact with them), I had several narcissistic toxic relationships until now. I will do therapy and continuing my healing journey. Half of the healing I’ve done it by myself with self help techniques that I have researched in the psychology field, that is why I am passionate about psychology…because it did helped me tremendously but I know I need help from a therapist because this is too deep.. knowledge is power , as well as self awareness but sometimes isn’t enough. I believe in neuro plasticity and I do believe that my brain was shaped in an unhealthy and traumatic way and I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and talk therapy will be a huge step for my healing journey because it’ll teach and maybe even regulate certain areas of my brain to act healthy and feel better. I know trauma is stored in the body and in the brain ( actually if what I’ve read is accurate, doctors can see brain injuries caused by trauma by scanning the 🧠 ) and that there are technique’s available to heal those. I wish I can tell you more, but I just wanted to let you know how much you’re helping me/us trauma survivors and not only and that I am so happy to have found your channel I have subscribed immediately 😂❤thank you again and sorry for the long message and especially for my English 😂 God bless you, your partner and Dr. Ramani Durvasula! Bye Mayim a big 🫂
Dr. Ramani helped me navigate my life. By understanding who I'm dealing with and what I have to go through. It helps how I can be more functional as a human being. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and Mayim for having this podcast.
Thank you for this episode. Narc abuse is multidimensional and affects the partner profoundly. We need all the awareness. I ended a nearly 10 year relationship with someone like this in January and my life is in shambles.
Oh my God , Dr. Ramani I would love to be interviewed by you because I am an ordinary everyday person and I strugglesd for almost 30 years to build or even have a relationship with a person and no matter what I did it was never good enough. I think what frustrated her to most was she bought everybody, but she could not buy me and make me into whatever it was that she was looking for a couple of years ago, I started listening to your podcast and finally I remove myself from this person and my life feels so much betterand I feel much better about myself. Thank you so much for doing the work you do as I am sure you will help thousands if not millions of people I so appreciate you and your wisdom Theresa.
“it’s a lack of capacity and you are not going to be the person to pull it out of them because they ain’t got it.” Very well said. It’s a tragedy when there is an investment into a relationship that is all about one person and it is not reciprocal. You literally love someone and it goes to waste.
Mayim, this is a brilliant interview! Your questions to Dr Ramani were amazing. Dr. Ramani is my hero!!!! I've listened to her for three plus year's...I like to say that I've studied with her because her information and experience has helped me understand my complex life in a deep way. Great interview. I love your brilliance! ❤
Vulnerable narcissists are the worst to be around. They mess with your sanity and are envious of others who are successful. They passive aggressively bring you down to their level and below.
I'm used to the label being covert narcs. And yesss! My ex MIL, after a year of her bs, I matched petty with petty and I felt shitty about it. But I knew it set her insides on fire with anger and for me I was like, you get what you give. It wasn't sustainable bc it was toxic and I became part of it. I left the marriage literally cut the cancer out 2 years ago. Clearly I co-parent with dad but our child knows mom's house is the safe place, we're cozy here bc I am able to be healthy mom. I was anxiety ridden for 5 years. I had the means to leave and the stress dropped right out of me.
It's sheer madness. I know a 62-year-old man who is living off his 84-year-old mother - a retired schoolteacher. He won't work, just got half a million dollars of student loans dismissed (he abused the student loan system and never paid a penny back), never apologizes for his misdeeds, whines about everything, and feels entitled to take whatever he wants from whomever he wants. He also collects Medicaid and food stamps, as well as a monthly stipend from the taxpayers. There is nothing physically wrong with him. He exercises to keep himself "buff", has no friends, owns closets full of designer clothes, expensive cameras, electronics, etc, and uses his food stamp money for anti-aging supplements, then has his mother send him food through the mail.
This is a man I have known for many years, and have tried to intervene. He refuses to get any sort of help. 💠
@@maarten7 How is he able to do any if that? How'd he get the loans dismissed? How does he buy anything besides food with food stamps?
@@todd6900 He got the loans dismissed through the Biden program. I'm sure that it was a good thing for many people, but it didn't scrutinize and allowed frauds like this to slip through.
Because his mother sends him food, pays the rent and utilities and doesn't deduct him as a dependent, he gets away with it. Food stamps, btw, pays for many supplements. They have been lumped in with "food".
And it gets worse. There were legal problems including having sex with a minor, battering and terrorizing a woman who was living with him, and stealing items from stores and libraries. His parents got him off the hook for all of that and more.
I don't mind sharing this if it will help someone else. These people are extremely dangerous.
Yes! Vulnerable COVERT narcissists are terrible! They isolate and financially trap their victims. Been married to one for 25 years. Only recently within the last year found out that I was dealing with a covert narcissist and that NOTHING would ever change for better. He had me trauma bonded and brainwashed into believing that there was hope and light at the end of the tunnel with all of his future faking coupled with threats. And the bastard had me manipulated into believing that it was always my job to repair the bridges that HE kept burning (for HIS mental instability, dysregulation, and HIS choices). Now that I know there is no light at the end of this tunnel, I'm trying to back out of it. I wish there was some financial support for people that are trapped in these situations so they can be liberated from this tyranny and toxicity of the offender. It's literally like living with domestic terrorism in your own home.
Yep. The child is neglected every day and every interaction. As a child, there was no safe space - except being alone. This has made me very content to be alone.
2:56 Amen to that!!
good point
Sadly, I’m far too comfortable being alone.
I feel the exact same way
@@reubensoundscoolyup. I’m very good at being alone and not being seen when surrounded by people
Dr. Ramani Durvasula helped me so much after my divorce from a narcissist. I couldn’t understand what happened until I found her on UA-cam. After listening to her for hours, I understood and was able to move on without feeling guilty. When he tried to get back in my life, I was able to see through his every move and not allow him to creep back in.
Yes!!! 🙌
I left someone after 20 yrs. I was so afraid of the repercussions, lies and how he would try to destroy me that I stayed way to long. When I gained wisdom and started valuing myself my life changed. He wanted me, the girl friend and threatened suicide. Crazy right.. Praise God I ended the crazy making. Thank you for this conversation. I Pray every one needing to hear this will.
I was married to a narcissist for 15ish years, and by the time I got out I was barely functional. I gave up 2 businesses, an acreage, alimony, and 50% custody (until he threw my daughter out of the house for not cleaning her room right), and she and I lived in a garage for two years until I could get us scraped back out of debt and homelessness. Life would be easier had I been able to stand up for myself, but I was never going to get there psychologically until I was free from him. Totally worth everything I left behind and more. 7 years later we are safe, happy, debt free, and have built ourselves a beautiful place in the world.
This is the power of Dr Ramani.
Me too & I agree. Left lots of money behind but I survived & thrived.
30 years with a malignant narcissist. Gaslighting to the point I did question my sanity. When I finally decided to leave he couldn’t take it. I had a mammogram that was abnormal. He told me it was “karma”. Talk about lack of empathy. 8 years free. Some of the best of my life 🙏🏻. Praise God I, and my children, got out.
He probably gave it to you from all the stress!!!
@@IqueyI just thought the same. These people kill you , literally, indirectly.
t@@Winstonrodney6989
I doubt you are a narcisist.You probably have a few qualities,like many people in this culture,where narcissistic ambition is rewarded over the humane empathic treatment of others.If you are introspective and humbled enough to see that you need to make some changes,you are not a narcissist or if you are,very low on the spectrum.
Same here! 30 yrs to a pastor! He, too, thought people that were "mean" to him got sick because God says not to touch His anointed! Ugh He now lives with one of his groupies/flying monkeys from church, and is a mortician cause he lost his job!
How did you get custody of your children. I want to leave my narc husband but I am afraid of leaving my child with him even for half time. He is only 7. I hope you answer.
As someone who can't afford therapy, Dr Ramani as been valuable to my healing journey
I think that Dr. Ramani should receive a Nobel Peace Prize. She is making such an enormous contribution to society. So thankful for her!
She is not the only on there are quite a few eg Dr Les Carter Lisa A Romano etc etc I'm so thankful for all their information which had helped me tremendously ❤❤❤❤
Sam vaknin
@@enricomiceli8704 yes!! He is wonderful and I do listen to him, as well.
I agree. She should 👏❤️
Yes. She has changed human relationships with her research, the last big leap of which was back in the 70s when domestic violence laws started to come on the books. She has changed how we see the right and wrong signals. She amazing
Key word!!!! They are not capable of giving you what you need. It will never happen.
Best podcast episode! Thanks so much. Could you please do a follow up regarding how to deal with Trump if you were raised by narcissistic parents?
This has been what my husband has said for years. I don't know how to meet his needs and mine at the same time. I stopped. I couldn't do it anymore. I stopped with him. I stopped with the kids. I just wanted to keep 50% of me. But even then, it wasn't good enough. I barely do anything when home because I've shut down. So scared of being criticized, saying the wrong thing or being told I'm not doing things right. I love work. It's my escape.
Sorry but this sounds pretty stupid... who can give you what you need, unless you express it openly? How are we supposed to know that you can do that? I guess I should avoid social media, they're really a waste of time...
for the most part, I dont know what I need....
Hollow empathy! 🔥Perfect description and a huge hoover. They convince you they care and ... they don't. They just don't.
Hell no they dont and I don't either
Some might care but not for nice reasons. More just about their reputation.
Only 1 in 6?
@@yolandathompson6138seems their numbers are growing.
@@yolandathompson6138 I agree, I am literally the only empath in this town so I know those statistics are wayyyy off. I would say 5 out of 6, me being that 6th man
Thank you for stating to “throw out the back story!” No excuses for bad behaviors!
Yes!!!! Incredible wasn't it! I don't ever want to forget that quote!
I agree. It’s been my downfall.
Yes!! Whenever my friends are in a bad relationship and tell me "but this and this happened to him!". I go "ok and this and this happened to you but are you hurting him and making him miserable and confused??". Flip the script and give yourself that compassion and understanding instead.
Dr. Ramani is the GOAT on the topic of narcissism.
This should be shown in every school, university, academy, assembly and neighbors meeting worldwide.
Absolutely!! So many people are completely blindsided by narcs.
This is one of the best interviews of Dr. Ramini Durvasula. What an amazing individual and human being.
Divorced a malignant narcissist after decades of gaslighting, financial abuse, control, etc.
Had to leave my home in secret with my child and pets just to survive.
It was so worth it to gain my freedom and discover my peace of mind❤
I’m in that situation.. The thought of being homeless is more scary to me. But the emotional, physical and financial abuse is no way to live. Where did you go when you left?
I was threatened constantly with homelessness and when the trauma bond isn't strong enough and you get some independence and self confidence again they will sabotage your life to pit you back into a state of PTSD
That's why the physical abuse is so important to them early on to gain that sense of fear when you're threatened and traumatized
Living out of an RV with my 2 dogs
When it's Covert for decades you have trouble navigating relationships bx if you don't have a healthy loving trusting relationship to begin with you have nothing to compare it against
Dr Durvasula's book "It's Not You" has changed how I am in the world. She's given me validation I didn't know I needed. I knew my ex- husband (no kids) was a narcissist master gas lighter but reading this book I saw how I was "groomed" by a narcissist from birth. Needles to say tough but satisfying to finally start healing. BTW I'm 64.
Thanks for sharing! Such a motivating post!
I am 68, I will read this book. I am constantly realizing how many narcissists were "grooming" and hurting me from birth onward. A doctor, 35 years ago, who had never seen me before, looked at me and said, " I NEVER get involved in my patient's personal lives, HOWEVER, I HAVE TO TELL you, Your marriage to this man is LITERALLY KILLING YOU!" It was, I knew I would die from his abuse and neglect or I would end my own life to try to escape the pain. That being said, he has NEVER STOPPED hurting me and our children, never. I thought I got us out soon enough, he married a worse "Narc," than he is, and together they mounted even worse control battles to rip our children up. He took ALL of the money and property we had both worked for. ( I let the house go, the stress was making my youngest son so sick, he was in the hospital.)
I love my family but they have scapegoated me and wounded me badly, by abandoning me, lying about me, and I believe it is because over half of them were abusive to me, in many ways, and I was the youngest daughter ( two younger brother.) Our youngest brother committed suicide at age 48, he is and was a tremendous person, I have to wonder if he was abused as well, because deep depression hit him out of the blue and he was afraid of how people would view him because he couldn't work anymore, because we all grew up working very hard and being responsible.
I tried so hard to love and be there for my children, to be accepting, and accessible, and I am now being abandoned by my own daughters. I am devastated, I know that they are having some huge trials. They know very well that I will sacrifice and share everything with them. I don't know how to feel about myself, I/we never abandoned our mother, not ever.
I will die alone with no one, maybe one son, if his wife will allow it.
Never too late God Bless 🙌 😊
That's been the pervasive thought in my life for 40 years...is it me? Nope. It's you.
Yep! That childhood 'grooming' is CRITICAL in preparing you to accept other Narcs in your Life with open arms.
It was so validating to hear Dr Ramani say some of her patients are waiting for one to die. That's how I felt about my mom. It was tough when she finally did die at 92. The grief I felt wasn't that she was gone, but that she would never say I was ok. It's been 3 years and I can finally see she had some good qualities, but I don't miss her and I'm glad she's gone!
I agree with everything you said. Relief when my mom died. I was relieved the emotional abuse would never happen again, sad because we would never have the relationship I had hoped for. 🙏
Say you're OK? What do you mean?
@@RS54321 Because I was not exactly like her, she could never acknowledge that the choices I made about even the simplest of things (like what I ate for breakfast, or how I took my tea) were perfectly acceptable choices for an adult to make. She told my brother she thought she had not been a very good mom to me, but she never apologized to me herself.
@@AnnieRR-mc7fg That makes so much sense. Parents miss out so much on having an authentic relationship with their adult children.
You are ok. You are wonderful and beautiful. I’m sorry you could never hear the important words from your mom. I feel very confident that you are a good person. God bless!
Thankyou for the reminder that we must accept that there will not be change. Some are born without Empathy.
Actually, most narcissists lose empathy due to early abuse. Nature may load the gun but nurture pulls the trigger. Complete change may not be possible but behavioural modification certainly is. That's said, if you are in an abusive relationship, put yourself first and seek help.
I don’t think it’s about them being born without empathy or being unable to change. It seems that inborn lack of empathy is being questioned even in psychopaths, let alone being suddenly considered a feature of narcissism, but also: anecdotally, in my experience, it’s clear that at least most narcissists have a perfectly intact - if sometimes underdeveloped and almost always misdirected - capacity for empathy. I think denying that is deeply unfair either to them or us, depending on whether it leads us to justify dehumanizing them or to think we shouldn’t hold them accountable for their choices because we’re under the impression they can’t help their behavior. Or, worse, to the normalization of dehumanizing someone because of things we’re under the impression they can’t help, which is bad for everyone.
In my opinion, the problem with narcissists has nothing to do with inability and everything to do with unwillingness and outright resistance. They could change, but they’re too attached to their grandiose defenses, the defenses to those defenses, and/or their framework of perception - and scared shitless to let go of them - to do so. They feel empathy and guilt, but they’re too preoccupied with their ego and/or it’s defenses to put others first, second, or tenth; to prioritize others enough to even look at their wants and needs enough to possibly care at all, let alone to consider them as equal when those wants and needs compete with their own.
Don’t get me wrong, my conclusion is essentially the same as what your comment implies: don’t hold out for change. I just think the dynamic is different.
@@EIizabethGrace As a narcissist who is trying to change, I wrote very long reaction to this video but yes, you are right. We are extremely attached to our defenses. It was the only thing that kept us safe and relatively sane. To challenge it requires facing massive cognitive dissonance and accumulated pain which is strong enough to make you want to kill yourself. We may be telling ourselves we are better but unconsciously we have proof that we couldn't cope with the pain in the past (at least not in a healthy way) aka proof that we were "weak". And if you built your life around your deluded sense of self, to go against your ego is like going against your whole identity which would be effin' difficult even for a person without severe maladaptive patterns.
I did follow through with it because I am too proud to rely on external validation. I ended up in a psychotic state for 3 or 4 days. Not fun. I am now (after two years) more aware of the impact of my actions. However, I still do not have emotional empathy and I still feel no guilt and I still occasionally slip if I am not careful. Again, not fun. Constant (or almost constant) mindfulness is mentally draining.
This is not an excuse, just the NPD's point of view. I still believe if you are in an abusive relationship or in a relationship which drains your energy you should put yourself first and seek help.
@@NikaAInéZvieratá Glad for you you are on your recovery path. This doctor really gives me the eek in the way she talks about this. I find it extremely disturbing she is the reference for this issue, but I suppose there are some people that are victimized and can only find the will to protect themselves after adhering to very radical points of view in order to take action and this point of view helps them, i can only hope. But in general, I find it very detrimental to society in general to speak of mental issues in this way, anyhow. You seem super well informed, but if you have not yet checked out the work of Dr. Bessel Van der kolk and also the channel Psychology in Seattle here on YT, I find those approaches and conceptualizations around Personality disorders much more helpful, for me at least. Wish you all the best on your journey.
Mine had lots of abandonment at an early age. Had to decide which parent, in a courtroom, at 6, to go with. Father promised lots of things if he went with him. Didn’t see his mother again until 17 bc father took him away.
Been listening to Dr. Ramani for a few years now… I’ve said goodbye to two narcissistic people in my life. Appreciate her so much.
how about accepting people as they are and even love them anyway? Has it ever crossed your mind, that a doctor doesn't want people to feel complete and healthy, but full of flaws?!? Once you removed the narcs, are there any decent people left? I dare to doubt it... By the way, narcissistic traits are just common, so unless we want to live alone on the top of the hill, we'll have to live with them...
We have incentivised narcissistic people. It's partly a culture that teaches you have to constantly compete and promote yourself to get ahead. Humility should be rewarded.
Dr Ramani’s videos and books helped me so much after I left a 30 year toxic marriage - understanding narcissistic abuse helped me make sense of what had happened to me. Four years free now 🎉
Happy for you ☺ 🙂 😊 🤗 ❤
I love how Dr. Ramani shares in her book, "It's Not You," that she experienced narcissism in her family, friends, work and her partner and it's why she is an expert today. You can't explain this form of abuse and have someone really get what happened to you, unless they experience it first hand. After having the courage to leave, and discovering her work, I will heal in a profound way, and I will always and forever be changed.
My mother was a respected teacher in a small community. She, IMO, was a covert narcissist and addicted to conflict/drama/anger... she was beloved my many who did not know how she behaved at home. I thought it was normal but later realized, by socializing with friends, lovers, and co-workers, how she exploited my need to be loved and cared for for her personal fulfillment, like a vampire. It took me decades to build up the courage to let go because shes my mom and i love her dearly. Years later, I can honestly say im so much better off.
My mother was a nurse and still everyone thinks she's great. The mental and physical abuse I suffered from her was beyond this world.
My Mom was the same, later in life she became a small town politician, the church going, the endless need for control. Oddly when I lived thousands of miles away I talked to her all the time, but when I moved back to the same state we fell out within a year. I could not allow her to manipulate me to control my life, my partners life. It’s been 5 years of no contact.
@@shinewithheartmy mom did the same, my stepfather is no better in ways more volatile more overt, but he was always blamed for everything. My real father, whose parentage was kept from me for 40 years, was the shared target of both my mom and stepfather. Utterly destroyed him. Never knew him, he passed a year ago.
The secrets that dual narc parents keep could fill tomes. Never accountable. Many of my siblings have come to have these same traits.
Run away! lol
@@shinewithheartman we have followed super similar paths. I broke away 4 months before Covid, then that actually helped keep me no contact. My partner and I left that state last year and moved as far away from that state as possible and still be in the US. I didn’t realize till a couple months ago that I had been “frozen” even though I was no contact. Living in the same state/metro I was on edge that they would/could drop by at any moment. Now they’d have to get on a plane and odds of that are low.
My mom would write xmas cards to three of my best friends. Until my one friend (who is only a few years younger than her) wrote a scathing letter back. Sadly I lost that friend to cancer a few months ago. He had been such a rock for me. My best friend of over 20 years. So I feel you losing a pet is just as sorrowful.
She also turned two of my siblings away from me. 2 others had already chosen her camp. Flying monkey older brothers.
The running away really helped. I feel you ShinewithHeart! Xoxo
@@shinewithheart I’m the second youngest out of a Brady-bunch of 7. I was the introvert off in the corner minding my own business tuning out the rest of them with my nose in a book under a tree far from the house. 4 of my oldest sibling ran away from home to go live with their other parents when I was around 10/12 years old. Leaving the youngest 3 left with my parents, who had moved us out of the city to a very rural community. Dirt road rural, 2 miles in either direction to the next road. Very isolated. I spent the next 6 years planning my own escape and when I went to college I never looked back, but briefly. The phrase “You can never go back” fits perfectly my attempt in 2018 when I did try to go back. I thought that my family had matured, grown, healed from all the chaos of decades past, but it was all just rose tinted glasses as I was seeing them on their best behaviors when I visited. Turns out that it was I who had matured and they who wanted me back into my place as the docile introvert subservient to their whims. Yes we are strong! Takes a lot of courage to look into the face of ones family and walk away. The only sibling I am in contact with was discarded by the group before me, she has a lot of things to work on as well and I’m nervous about getting too close to her. Protecting my life with my partner is my number 1 priority and I don’t want to bring in chaos.
It's funny how you mention al-anon. The lessons I learned in al-anon actually helped me get out of a narcissistic relationship. I didn't know it was narcissistic abuse until over a year after i left him, but the all-anon lesson that always stuck with me is that you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Yes!
Same! I had been going to Al anon for 2 years before I left. I didn't know he was a narcissist until after I left him. My sister sent me videos because her therapist thought our mom might have been one, but all I could see was my ex's behaviour.
Al-Anon helped me massively too.
I think that an alcoholic is a narcissist by the nature of his addiction.
Al-onon saved me too.
Breadwinner was the Matriarch of a family of semi-functional alcoholics, and im pretty sure those old al-anon flyers in the pile of abandoned black books helped me a lot too. Serenity Prayer.
I discovered her years ago and her knowledge changed everything for me in understanding my Step Children’s mother. Understanding that she wasn’t just randomly difficult and high conflict, but that she had a predictable personality style was so clarifying. I slowly was able to stop taking every negative reaction personally and with a lot of self work and the help of a 12 step program I now sponsor and guide women through and out of narcissistic relationships. Her work has helped countless lives. ❤
That's amazing!!! How did you get there?
@@cayceesmith2650 started with 12 step work which lead to a spiritual awakening, parts work, shadow alchemy and now I’m going even deeper with the Gene Keys. There are many paths and many tools. If you are open to it I recommend praying for your next step to be shown to you. I wish everyone love, strength and support on your own personal journeys.
Yes is the 12 step program al-anon or a different one? I have no family and only 1 good friend. I'm nervous since I have been with him since 18 yrs old and I just turned 40 on Saturday.
@@GeminiTwinning Co-Dependents Anonymous or Alanon (if alcohol is involved). That sounds like a very challenging situation so finding a support community and ideally a solid sponsor would be very helpful.
It might be ACOA, which is slightly different than Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the family members of active alcoholics. ACOA uses the same 12 step model but for people with childhood trauma/dysfunctional families that may or may not have included alcoholism as a part of the chaos
I learn more every day. I was raised by a narcissistic mother long before mental health was a thing (I am 64 years old). It is nice to know I am not near as crazy as she tried to make me out to be. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do.
My ex husband is a malignant narcissistic and he has abused many vulnerable people. What has been the hardest part to heal from was his complete lack of ability to ever once say he was wrong or sorry 💔. 20 years of abuse and not once could he appoligize to me 😢. I was never going to get closure or understanding or change, and yes as soon as my youngest turned 18 I packed my car and fled while my ex was out of town. I had to give myself closure and rebuild myself and recreate a new life. The happy news is I did rebuild myself and eventually found my new partner who is loving, humble, affectionate, supportive, and I can feel safe and secure with. ❤
👍🏻💞
Dr. Ramani was pivotal in getting my head above water after I left my ex and the wool was ripped from my eyes. She is just a blessing.
As someone who has encountered NPD individuals, the withdrawing attention, affection as a means to bewilder and confuse their supply, can inflict emotional injury and trauma. Establishing firm boundaries and avoiding the triangulation of the NPD individual to keep yourself safe. Outstanding podcast!
My ex was undermining all my relationships in every single aspect of my life our whole relationship, and I didn't know, and also our own children eventually, and he wasn"t the first. I had teachers since small and aunts and cousins who did this. Even now, I know so many people think things about me and are actually afraid and on edge, angry around me, so much so that I cannot even approach them to find out what has been said. My ex is so convincing he is a victim. I have a sister like this too, and even family I no longer have contact with due to the set up. He lovebombed them when he lovebombed me so they believed him when he was deliberately undermining and destroying all my relationships and acting like the victim. Even when they have since had fallouts with each other it is too dangerous now to ever let them in my life again, and the abuse from teachers which started when I was small was jealousy and hatred towards my dad, a very competent teacher. It wasn't only to him. It affected other teachers' kids too, mostly girls. My dad was hired where they wanted to fire incompetence, until a new administration came in that was toxic and insecure. I have to stay where my children can have the best schooling I can provide but we lost our home as he intended which had two rentals that would have helped support me as I have nothing else, but a city councilor brought a businessman to my home saying it was a city program to carry my mortgage for me so I could buy my husband out and they stole my home out from under me. City, county, police corrupt. They refused to investigate that they let my ex steal from me. He was psychopathically sadistic and very skilled in hurting us in every way and had a narc attorney. Judges are abusive. I am hanging on for my children two more years. I am all alone. I came here legally and he got citizenship without me and I have nothing here but I am trapped trying to give my children the opportunity to move ahead. We have had nothing but abuse and legal abuse. The Hague Convention prevented me from leaving with my children, he controlled everything, kept my car unsafe, and his threats of what would happen to the children until he could take everything from me. He has all the support and all the fun and I was an older mum so life is pretty bleak. I have to use fish antibiotics to try to keep healthy because I have pretty much lost half my teeth and my jaw bone because he wouldn't let me get dental after our son was born here even though we had dental coverage and then I ended up in divorce where he lied about everything. I lost my amazing abilities in early high school because a teacher told the students and me no one would get to go on a trip because I was in her class and she hated my dad. She allowed them to line up and hit me over the head with books, as many as they could hold, every day over and over in her class for weeks while she smirked. I would black out over and over and my face hit the desk over and over. It really hurt, but it also took my abilities away. I went through a severe PTSD like experience for two years at night in my mid-twenties when I finally felt safe that also severely interrupted and undermined my life. I thought my worst aunt could not harm me anymore and then I met my husband. I had already been with a psychopath narcissist teacher prior who used, drugged, and tried to destroy me. Every time I thought I met someone decent, even a friend, they were this type. My grandpa was also sadistic to my dad. His uncle was a narcissist, a quite famous journalist who took advantage of him when he went to live with him as a child. My aunt was his goldenchild. That is why my dad was vulnerable and that made me vulnerable.
The narc I divorced and am still living with until our son goes off to college in a month, literally does not say ONE WORD to me. Not in private, and not when our son is around. This is a 67 year old person. A 67 year old who acts like a petulant child. I can not WAIT to be away from this toxic, horrific BABY.
I hope your life after the son is off in college is better. Sorry that it happened to you, and I wish you the best in helping your son sort things out.
You need to move ASAP! That's not safe!
Stay strong and focus on your future away from him
Your name isn't Melania, is it? 😂
I'm excited for you and I hope it goes smoothly. They can become so vindictive once you stand up to them.
I woke up this whole thing 6 years ago. I systematically removed all narcissistic, toxic and emotionally immature people from my life. I now live a rich and fulfilling life. ❤️🙌🏻👊🏻🙏🏻
Smart move! You will never have peace with toxic people in your life.
Always remember that someone with highly narcissistic tendencies will present as a good person too...
It takes time to see the negatives so go slow . This is the biggest thing I have learned about their masks ... you might NEVER see the narcissistic traits if you only casually see this person sometimes their "bad traits" come out the closer you are to them , the more time you spend with them and sometimes only if they view you as their source of supply !!!😢💔💝💯
That’s where listening to yr instincts kick in
😊😊 I’ll
@@sararichardson737something I grieved for not doing so
Sometimes, they WON'T show those traits UNTIL AFTER a person marries them. I didn't know how to recognize those behaviors, when I married the first time 48 years ago. Looking back, his constant efforts to compromise my purity ( we are to wait until marriage to share sexual intimacy) I kept wondering when the "nice" him, that I knew for FIVE years before we every married. My daughters said, " Mom, you didn't KNOW the REAL him UNTIL you were engaged, the other one was fake." I will never escape the negative effects of what he did to us and to our children in this mortal life. I feel worse for our children, I thought I got them out so they wouldn't have to keep suffering. He and his family were too controlling, he told me for MANY years that If I EVER TOLD ON HIM, that he would spend his entire life destroying me. It hurts me more to see how he has destroyed and betrayed our children.
@@bonnylouwho76 these people are insane; to want to destroy those closest to them and take a secret deep pleasure in doing so is beyond comprehension. Truly hideous souls
My husband's mother has a lot of qualities of narcissism: inconsistency, false memory, manipulative, grandiosity, etc. and it's been frustrating for me to see how he continues to want to connect to her and makes every effort to accomodate her needs. This episode helped me understand why he does this and feel more sympathetic to his need to remain connected to her even though she doesn;t make him feel safe.
My husband has the same mother. She’s evil in the form of a grandma. She’s 80 and came to my house. I told her to leave because she was being disrespectful. She told me to shove her out. Because of Dr.Ramini help me identify her behavior and I told my mother in law just go.
Thanks for this! 1 in 6! That makes so much sense and i hate when therapists and others say things like “narcissism is a buzzword and you need to stop calling everyone a narcissist “ like NO! Lots of people are in fact narcissistic and that gaslighting of victims needs to stop
Absolutely. Yes it is thrown around a lot but it is a huge issue in our society that is finally getting some attention! Does it really matter if the toxic person would qualify for narcissism if this concept and awareness helps the victims of it to get away?
When there’s controlling of another going on there’s a narc.
Love this. So healing for me. As someone who uses dating apps and frequently attracts narcs, this discussion is highly relevant to me. It's a difficult dilemma for me trying to go against familiarity and 'chemistry' to find a healthy connection , but I feel like I'm getting there. One thing I discovered for myself recently is that physical chemistry can develop over time with someone who's good for you, so don't write somebody off just because there wasn't an initial spark in the intimacy department.
Thank you for this comment!!
I used to be happy with my family, but the longer I live the more I realise how many ways I have been treated disrespectfully and the sadder I become.
Well if you didn't know, chances are they also didn't know. None of us are perfect. At least you were happy. I look back too & I know what you mean. I am thankful though for all the good stuff. That's what I try to take away from it all, forgiving the wrong as I'd want others to forgive me, when I've been wrong. Nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself though and you should, then you won't have to be so sad, because you can take care of you and that's a great feeling. 😊
Responding very strongly to this. Wish I knew what to say.
I called them out on it . Screw them . Don’t be sad , move on .
@idid138
Some do know very well what they are doing.
I don’t blame you. I didn’t start interacting with my husband’s family until we got engaged, and I did not see the “fun”, “happy”, “loving” family he described to me. Instead I saw a passive-aggressive, mom’s-way-or-the-highway, enmeshed family. And this woke my husband up to the treatments he received/receives as the family scapegoat. It’s been 7 years, and we’ve limited contact with my in-laws now.
We do not deserve this collab, but I'm so thankful for it 😊❤️
Dr. Ramani is a lifesaver. I am regaining my sense of self and my strength because of her. I have suffered a lifetime of narcissism from both parents, and I am the scapegoat child. I feel very undervalued and I’m extremely empathetic. She’s made me realize how much this has hurt me and what to do to change this dynamic. “To thy own self be true.” Narcissistic persons will never honor this statement. I have chosen to walk away. The rage is unbelievable but so it shall be.
Yes! Many of us need to remind ourselves.... Throw the back story away! Stop with all the justifications if they are not taking responsibility for their actions. Thank you, Dr. Ramani and Mayim for this video.
Dr. Ramani is an Inutitive, Cognitive, Intellectual Genius ! With her Empathic Ultra Clarity She is Literally Saving Lives and Sanity EveryWhere !
Narcs never say "sorry". Never wrong.
The only sorry I have ever gotten in decades is "well I'm sorry you see it that way, but it's not true"...which was gaslighting, but they counted it as an apology.
They say, " You made me do it!"
@@francoisgouws7288 They spill something on you and then accuse you of being too close. Ain't it fun? NO!
Thay can apologies if they think they really have no other way to pull you back in, but they never mean it
@@annaatanasova8868 My mother and twin brother did not ever say they were sorry about anything.
I like how you mentioned society is telling us not to have needs. "No expectations." Maybe with strangers, but when you're starting a relationship with someone it's imperative you both care about and talk about what each other's needs are. If you can't feel safe it can easily be an abusive relationship.
My favorite podcasters in one video. Love!! I was raised by a somewhat narcissistic mother with a very sad backstory. I've dated more than my fair share of narcissistic men and had many friends who either are narcissists or lean that way. I lost purported friends who couldn't listen to me anymore when the rumination after a very bad breakup went on far too long. Gaslighting, love bombing, bread crumbing, hoovering.....and I'm educating myself with good information such as this. I have been alone for 7 or 8 years. I saw my parents through their end of life journeys. I'm 57 and am finally free and am learning how to be in this weird and wonderful world. I love the dating homework idea. I have a fragile sense of hope, and I nurture it. I'm going to rewatch this several times. Much appreciated this conversation!!
I was married to a clinically diagnosed narcissist for about 7 years. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what narcissism was at the time. Man, this happened about 20 years ago, and it feels like yesterday. Im done with relationships in general.
I imagine it's unusual for a narcissist to get a clinical diagnosis and that somehow they'd try to spin it into a "positive" anyway. I am content with saying that if they don't have NPD, they sure have a lot in common with someone who does. 😂😮❤
I was married for 25 years married to a 5 out of 6. He was brilliant, highly educated, good looking and had a PHD in gaslighting. He would jump from one to anotherwhich made it very confusing. From money, to invalidation, evaluation etc I experienced it all. I worked on myself non stop, produced what he wanted like a hamster in a wheel. Divorced him 7 years ago and he is hoovering creatively still. I am taking a break, since I discovered I grew up with a family of narcissists and only dated various combinations of them. I had to learn and figure this out by myself and I am so thrilled that Dr, Ramani summarized the problem. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Oh my word, when I began reading your comment, I thought that I had run onto one of my OWN comments. I was married to a very similar narc. I am now realizing just how many narcs were in my own family. I am the scapegoated one because my marriages didn't work out, ( due to you know what.) I finally decided that I WAS NOT going to allow anyone as much as possible to invade my personally protective haven. ( as far as you can have one that you rent as you don't have resources to buy another house after divorces.) I am 34 years out from the first divorce from the biggest most heartbreaking Narc, the father of our children.
26 years of my life were spent with a narcissist. Still working on healing, forgiving myself, growing etc…… Thank you for this show. ❤
I’ll send the link of this episode immediately to a dear friend that has left a narcisistic husband recently at her early 70’s, after more than 40 years of suffering him. She still felt guilty. I do hope that this episode will help her to ease the guilt. After watching it, it will ease mine if I’d be her!
Standing ovation to Mayim, JC, all MBB team and Dr. R. Durvasula! How I’d have wanted my friend Pat would have meet her on time!
4:34 No freinds, no relationship, prefer to be a lone wolf, and im very peaceful and joyful from it. Peace to all of you that do the same
Animals are awesome company too ❤
Yes, here with the cat ❤
People are just trouble. Even the good ones are unpredictable
If it wasnt for my Mate, id be living Vanlife alone.
Woooww. I came out of a 7 year traumatic relationship with a narcissist and this conversation nailed EXACTLY the kind of things I went through. It was miserable and I loved him so much!!!! I couldn't jump through enough hoops to accommodate his erratic expectations. I never knew which version I was going to meet each time. Would totally love bomb me one day, and the very next day would be calling me names and accusing me of horrible things without any reason, other than texting "good morning sunshine" to him.
Ugh I can’t imagine that kind of emotional whiplash. I’m glad you got out. :-)
Something said in this video really helped me understand why my narcissistic mother behaved the way she did with regard to supporting me. She loved to swoop in particularly when I was going through a breakup or pregnancy something like that and make alllll kinds of promises and acting so caring. When during the relationship when things were good especially, she would totally disengage, often for years at a time. Showing no interest in me or even in knowing or spending time with her grandchildren. When I was really struggling and actually asked her to do something, even just be there emotionally, I'd get an eye roll, invalidation, and she even convinced other family members to behave the same towards me. I got extremely ill after my divorce with a severe neurological condition and she convinced the whole extended family to block me without a word. Growing up my dad was abusive so for a long time I didn't see how much she had harmed me in so many more subtle ways. Going no contact was the best thing I've ever done.
They will deprive you of everything , but expect you to perform like a trained seal , your problems are an inconvenience
Spot on.
A good example of a hollow empath would be that they cry at watching animal videos, but they will literally go out to play basketball with friends while you just endured an epileptic seizure, saying it's "too much" for them. This actually happened in my marriage to a malignant narcissist.
seen it! yep! terrifying monsters
The "i like animals more than I like people types" piss me off sometimes. Its like oh you like someone or something that cant talk back that you can project your personality on. I know too many people that have "compassion" for animals but would let most people starve on the street. I feel like its being encouraged by todays society. (Our society is run by sociopathic narccisists so I guess we shouldnt be surprised.)
Experienced that myself. He cried about a hot UA-cam personality who survived a plane crash, but he wouldn't come see me when I was in the hospital, not did he inquire about how I was after I was discharged.
Sometimes it is too much. I am squeamish and my ex used to go into explicit detail about her surgery. I’m sorry but no.
I was so depressed, I was suicidal. My ex would leave the house early am and not return into late afternoon leaving me alone in this fragile state.
“1 in 6 People Are Narcissists!” this is more correct from my experience.
Dr Ramani helped me see clearly that I was surrounded by narcissists.
I have been terrified all of my life of a person over what they will say or do. How they will again turn people against me. How i will look loose everything and everyone. Tormented by memories. Trying to follow all the rules the give to keep the peace. Feeling like i am loosing my mind. This helps my understanding to identify what is happening.
I come from a family of a whole other class of narcissists. I call them Bourgeois Narcissists. They are poor AF because they think chairs were invented for them to sit in so the world can serve them. They are bitter and resentful because the world has not been served to them on a silver platter but couldn't imagine that they would be expected to help themselves. Anyway...I love Dr. Durvasula and have learned much from her channel. As always when you add Mayim and Jonathan into the convo it gets deeper, more interesting and always educational. Shine On beautiful souls.
The way I knew it wasn't ME, is because no human being ever treated me so horribly, or said such awful things to me......not my first husband, not any boyfriend, friends, etc. it was outrageous behavior.
Good for you that you didn't grow up with narcisistic parents/carers!
@@Cuiositycola Yes! The reason I didn't think it wasn't me was because my mom and stepdad treated me the same way 😢
Exactly. I thought it was me for years until I realised that no friend treats me like my narcissistic family members do. Furthermore, work colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers often treat me better so it can't be me, can it?
i was in a relationship with a self proclaimed narcissist for almost 18 years. Then he had a stroke. Totally changed his personality. Now such a loving and compassionate partner. It saved our relationship as strange as it seems.
Bloody hell a cured Narcissist. Like a unicorn. I’m really happy for you both. He got lucky. Some people have strokes recover fully yet speak with a foreign accent thereafter. I’m fascinated by yr account. Tell Dr Ramani
I've heard of this happening before to someone else, very interesting how the brain works 🤔
I’ve heard strokes or brain Injuries can also make someone a narcisist. So strange but it happens.
Bc he has to depend on u fully and that feeds ur need to feel needed.Im sorry.work on self healing
Wow
Great episode. My mother had narcissist traits and I spent 10-years in a relationship with a narcissist. I am trying to recover from it. It just destroys you in a way that it is hard to get out of it. Takes time. I am glad people are learning more about these dynamics and how it affects people. It is so difficult to find support and for people to believe what you are going through.
Boulder, Colorado is full of Narcissists. I have never in my life seen this many damaged people in one place, EVER. Everyone thinks this place is great and aesthetically, it is, but when you live here it’s a completely different experience. I regret moving here and now I can’t afford to get out!
Wow…what is it about Boulder do you think that attracts them?
Yep too much money my narcissistic father would take us their on holidays. Just keep up with the jones
Atlanta is this way. Attracts lots of people who fake success, fake happiness. I have encountered so many narcissists here.
Old, wealthy hippies...ugh
@@mtm5783 it’s not the old people or the hippies though, it’s progressive young people who have it in their minds that they’re the next Steve Jobs but in reality they turn out to be more like Elizabeth Holmes. Faking it until they “make it”. I feel like this is a result of people telling all children that they’re special and destined for greatness, when 99.9% of them are not destined for anything great in particular. They all want to be super wealthy and exclusive but they don’t really have what it takes. They’re more manipulative of things that already exist rather than imaginative or creative. They jump on trends, not create them.
Dr Ramani Durvasula has made the biggest difference in my life- her youtube videos and 2 of her books helped me to heal and get out from under the narcissists in my life. I'm now able to spot these red flags in new, budding relationships and friendships in my life.
"Should I Stay or Should I Go?" And
"Don't You Know Who I Am?" Those are the 2 books that impacted my life for the better 💪
I'm glad to hear that. I follow her, too, but sometimes feel like it's validation and doesn't give enough specific tips on moving forward . I appreciate this
@@LindaC616maybe that’s because validation is an important step for victims to realize their situations.
@@abbyz13 oh I'm not denying that, because it was for me too. But then we need to go beyond that, to recognize the red flags and carry on with our lives in a healthy way.
@@abbyz13 oh I'm not denying that, because I needed that too. But we also need to know where to go after that, to recognize the red flags and learn to live in a healthy way, so that we can go back to living
Watching Dr. Ramani's videos really helped me process and work through my past with a narcissist. Between therapy and learning through her videos I have accepted my past and am confident I won't repeat my patterns. Love her!
The best way to describe them is this: they take every expression of your love as a license to harm you. It took me 20 years to realize this. That is how evil and insidious they are and they continually and I mean every hour of every day, blame you. They are profoundly dangerous. Walk away. Keep walking. You will heal. I hope it doesn’t take you as long as it took me, but you will heal. People can be very cruel. Imagine being so ugly inside that you seek to hurt others. This is not a creature made in the image of god, is it? Good luck out there ❤ to the humans.
Love means accepting a person as s/he is. All this intellectualization of emotions is the real issue. As long as two people can respect each other, and grow together, there can be love, even in the presence of narcissism. Problem is, women are never satisfied, because their fragile ego is the worst and the most listened to of their consultants.
Because of Dr Ramani I didn't unsubscribe to life on 2022. I sincerely appreciate her
She is amazing. I listen to all of her interviews and bought the book. So glad to see you two interview her. You are one of the few people who pronounced her name right, adn she never corrects them! Such a lovely , humble, very smart soul. This is great getting to watch the three of you together!
Holy cow! I'm ordering this book now! 🤗 This is the 1st time in my life that I've come across something that describes my childhood so well. My mother & brother are both combo types. Growing up I was always walking on egg shells around them (not my father or sister though). People would often say 'you're mom's the greatest ... I wish she was mine" (they'd say it about my brother to). I would think "you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors!!". It took me until I was 53 yrs old to walk away permanently from my mom & brother (my sister & father passed away several yrs ago). I wish I could have done this 30+ yrs ago. I also just left a toxic work environment (Narc. boss & 2 team members). They were described by the Dr also. Time to heal more - so I can learn how to avoid or deal with these people in the future. 🤗❤ 🥰 Thank you Mayim & Jonathan!
Sometimes I think I am led to watch certain videos on UA-cam. This morning was one of them. For the last hour thinking about my cousin who has very strange characteristics of a narcissist. She promises the moon the stars and the Sun but like the air she is not there. Then there is my mother who had a bartering system. One time my mother made a list of everything she had ever done for me. No such thing as unconditional love. The only person I grew up knowing she loved me was my grandmother. After years of psychotherapy in my 40s and now today I have the cap on my story of my life of my life. Thank you
Dr. Ramani's acknowledgment of "empty empathy" was validating. There were times when I felt weirded out by a friend who liked to preach about empathy a lot, and would sometimes give this grand performance of empathy to or around others, but it didn't feel like real empathy.
This is my sister.
She is my hero.
Our childhood, especially her, was controlled by our narcisstic mum. I've always been in awe of her.
She can always see the behaviours and talk me through it from her perspective.
I went through all up 26 yrs of in the relationship NA. The last was 15 with what began with a vunerable narcissist which evolved to a malignant narcissist who had many DVO's. I have since been recognised as a victim of crime with adverse effects.
However, she has stood by me the whole way and has been so important in my last 3 years of recovery. Even before I truely understood who he was, she knew. Through watching mainly your videos, and my therapist, I am healing and I resonate so much with you. Your kind, logical and honesty has finally allowed me to understand it wasn't me. That was his cohesive, manipulative abusive deportment.
Wow! This is a powerful testimony. 💝
Knowing is solving half the problem. Dr. Ramani has changed my life. She literally saved me from sabotaging my own life.
My personal experience
23 years married divorced and 14 years not married but in another narcissistic relationship. My nervous system has been through it!!!
Dr Ramani is an absolute rockstar. Her input helped me SO much with saying good bye to my toxic relationship with a very malignant narcissist. Her work is amazing.
If I could ask Dr. Ramani a question, it would be, if you leave a narcissist and are co-parenting, how do you protect your child from the trauma bond with the other parent?
That is what the narcissist always said is that I am to sensitive. He threw bread crumbs, marginalized me and bullied me. I now do a work around with this narcissist.
As a person who is recovered from BPD and am increasingly aware over ti.e of how truly narcissistic i was, i am going to refute Dr. Ramani about whether these people can change.
Yes, we can.
Im not saying it is common.
Im not saying people should hold their breath for seeing that change in a loved one.
But im saying they do have the ability to change.
I changed.
Now i carry a lot of guilt and shame for the way i affected people by my narcissistic traits. I wish i could go back and change it.
In my internal landscape, i am painfully aware of the little voices of those traits that still haven't died inside of me.
But i understand it all so much better now. And i have developed other traits that i live out of more dominantly to be a better person.
We are not lost causes, but we are hard cases.
The idea going around about NPD being incurable and these people "can never change" is absolutly toxic. If we assume 1 in 6 qualifies, this would mean 16% of the population should be cancelled, blocked deleted and kept away from any intimate relationship. This is wrong ! As the son of a man diagnosed with NPD, a man who had the most abused childhood one could imagine and struggle his whole with suicidality, I can testifie ! My father is healing, and I am proud to have been able to be a source of love and empathy for tihs incredible man.
@charlesnormandin1509 that I so awesome and encouraging to read. My children, despite all my mistakes and the pain it caused, have been like that for me. They have forgiven me and loved me through my worst. Now I just keep changing and getting better because someone did actually love me and maintain a relationship with me and not throw me away. You have done a wonderful thing and I'm happy for you both 😊
BPD may be different though because we do feel a sense of shame over what we did. I don't know if the narc ever feels their own shame. And if they don't they will never change.
I think bpd is different. And it is totally curable, i agree. Have had some bpd traits myself that i've been able to heal over time (the voices are still there, i know what you mean).
I’m definitely a member of the “not murderous, just waiting” club! 😂❤ thanks for that it cracked me up
I'm in the leave or die club and I left thank God, safe so far thank God
@@DeborahBelew I tried to unalive myself when the abuse was at its breaking point. When I "failed," I told my husband what I did (he was folding clothes atm - what a keeper eh?), and that I needed to go to the hospital for help. Without looking up at me or stop what he was doing, he replied: "There's nothing a hospital can do you for that I can't do for you." (And that is a direct quote word for word because it is seared into my brain as being the cruelest words anyone has ever said to me) It was at that moment I came to the realization that this person did not love me. He would rather have me die in his possession than help me get the medical treatment I so desperately needed. Little did I know that 2 years later, HE would be the one to die in a freak accident. Three years after his death, and I'm still dealing with C-PTSD and prolonged grief disorder because I never got the closure I needed.
@beingbettertoday I hear you. I'm in therapy now and I think it's helping but everything is still so fresh I'm mainly doing it for my kids so they can get therapy because they have nightmares, etc, and even so young, one of them said suicidal things everyday. Since we left, he has only said he wishes he didn't have his life, etc. 2 times in a few weeks. ⅜And he had asked me about wearing all black and chains, and I thought, "Oh Lord, we have to figure this out." I didn't tell him no, I just said, " Oh yeah? I like black too. Show me what you're talking about." Now, since we left, he's been showing me white jeans that he likes better, and I thought, wow, this is weird, like symbolic. Anyways, all that to say, if the stress of living under that can cause a 7 year old to want to die, then I'm not surprised you went through the same desperation. Mine wanted to end me himself, and it got really scary the way he would glare through me for committing no crime against anyone. Having a bunch of children gave me the strength to hold it together for them, but I was starving myself of food and sleep trying to meet everyone's needs except my own. I believe he was going to kill me (because he told me multiple times that he wanted to with crazy eyes and balled up fists), or I was going to die trying to save Him over my children's sanity. I think I got out before it truly wrecked me, and they are young, so with therapy, hopefully, the curse is broken. He didn't believe in outside sources of help either. God was the savior, doctor, therapist, etc. My children are scheduled for dental surgeries because no dentist was ever good enough to trust, and now I am legally in charge of all decisions for them. It just got darker and darker. I still don't think I could have left without my only girlfriend I confided in over the years. And God opened every door, no hang-ups at all, and I've got the perfect lawyer thanks to the shelter telling me who to go to. There's a lot of life left for us. And a lot of life left for you!
There are massive overlaps in the types as she said. IMO more than one in six. An empathetic person is a rare thing in my life and experience. It is an extremely serious thing because the whole planet is going under because of them. The way they shifted into the therapy ad was class!
She saved me. Opened my eyes and helps me process my relationship every day. Ive cracked the door and shed light on my narcissistic parent, and first and second marriage! So much understanding and healing. So grateful for her. Now focusing on helping my kids cope and not repeat.
I’ve been watching Dr Ramani for a while now and every time she goes through the different narcissistic types, I think to myself my mother is every single one of them. Depending on the situation she switches the act in a matter of a second! But the level of hatred and aggression that she successfully sells as love and care that no one else can replicate, is astonishing. I can never have tolerance of what she is. The only safe space for me is sadly no contact.
It is HEALTHY to just go ahead and
GRIEVE what might have been BUT will never be🙏
#MAKEaHEALTHYspaceToJustGrieveWhatWillNeverBe💟
Narcissistic protection comes from owning ones self. My daughter and I recently had this conversation. The antidote we came up with was owning one's Self. Be your own candy bar. Find your power.
Mayim and Dr. Ramani--the discussion about chemistry is so SPOT ON and explains so much! Thank you both!
Heard my youth defined a few weeks ago in this "I was unwittingly recruited as a child soldier into my parents war"!
I was communal but married a malignant. He destroyed me as a person. I had to rebuild, I still am! My point is: Low key narcissist CAN change if they HAVE to. I had to in order to survive him.
It is so cool that you have Dr. Ramini Durvasula in this episode. I have seen her in many UA-cam videos describing and explaining narcissism and people who are narcissist. We have all delt with narcissistic people at one time or another. My Tuesdays are so awesome with this podcast. Much love to you beautiful Mayim! ❤
🥹🤯
Before I put myself into therapy, I attempted suicide. When my dad heard about the incident he drove 2 hours to see me and was really pissed off and frustrated at me that he drove 2 hours and wasted a bunch of gas for nothing seeing that I was alive. He said that to me. At least if I was dead, the gas money he wasted would have been justified. Apparently it was a huge inconvenience lol. I realized he never loved me. And that was a good thing to realize finally. And I'm okay with it I've come to peace. Remember to love yourself and give yourself a chance. Even if the narcissist is your parent, you still deserve love and validation and to surround yourself with those you love and who truly love you.
Wow. I'm glad you're alive and have truth to hold on to.
Dr.Ramani is a national treasure. ❤
I cannot explain how important this topic is too me and sooo many who have dealt with this for years in shameful silence. I feel so weak and cowardly after years of this type of persons. This discussion is extremely helpful.
WTF!!!🤢
You just turned my life upside down😰In every sentence you talked about the narcicist, you talked about my mother and "little" Sister(she is 19). In every sentence you talked about the People who live with narcicist's, you discribed me and my dad!! He ist the sweetest guy I know💖
I can't discribe how I feel right now....
Thank you. Thank you so much!!!
These informations are worth more than I can say.
I want the whole MBB Team to have all the Luck and Happyness and Savety in the World.
I will go find help now for my dad and me.
Thank you💞
Wow ❤️🩹
🤗💝🍀
Omg I am getting this book!! I want to keep watching and listening but my PTSD is being triggered at the same time…i will take this in bits and pieces with time. Thank you for this!
Damn! It feels like this disorder has increased in scope! They seem to be everywhere! 🤨
The problem is if they have children, they are at great risks to become narcissists themselves (because they are abandoned in their need for love and connection) plus the way our society is structured really encourages narcisstistic personality traits. They might become even more prevalent
54:16 Could not agree more! There’s nothing cool about being a doormat and not having boundaries or speaking up for your needs.
After reading the title of this vlog I finally understand my thoughts about " do I life in an Narcisstic world?, are there kind 'normal' people who can live a friendly live.
Dr Durvasula helped me identify my mother. Growing up I knew something was off with her but never knew exactly what it was. She is extremely abusive (verbally, physically, mentally, you name it) and all that she did to me - the incidents that I’ve spoken up about after much courage - she tells my dad that I’m imagining everything and I made everything up.
I’m still struggling in my relationship with her, but I’m going through healing process while figuring out the boundaries I need to set with her.
Thank you Dr. Durvasula. You have helped so many out there.
Thank you Mayim for having Dr. Ramini on your UA-cam channel. I found your episode both informative and enlightening on the subject of Narcissism from an analytical point of view as one who had a malignant Narcissistic parent. Survival has been a key element in growing up, but learning how to thrive as an adult has been a process which your program has helped.
Thanks for sharing and for being here! 🧠🫶
@@MayimBialikHello Mayim ❤ needless to say that I adore you in Big Bang Theory but most importantly, seeing you here with Dr. Ramani, it is such a gift.. it helps me to stay grounded in reality and it pushes me even more to leave the toxic relationship I find myself in. Logically I know why I ended up here but subconsciously it is all that I knew for most of my life, having had my parents which are narcissists (now I’m in no contact with them), I had several narcissistic toxic relationships until now. I will do therapy and continuing my healing journey. Half of the healing I’ve done it by myself with self help techniques that I have researched in the psychology field, that is why I am passionate about psychology…because it did helped me tremendously but I know I need help from a therapist because this is too deep.. knowledge is power , as well as self awareness but sometimes isn’t enough. I believe in neuro plasticity and I do believe that my brain was shaped in an unhealthy and traumatic way and I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and talk therapy will be a huge step for my healing journey because it’ll teach and maybe even regulate certain areas of my brain to act healthy and feel better. I know trauma is stored in the body and in the brain ( actually if what I’ve read is accurate, doctors can see brain injuries caused by trauma by scanning the 🧠 ) and that there are technique’s available to heal those. I wish I can tell you more, but I just wanted to let you know how much you’re helping me/us trauma survivors and not only and that I am so happy to have found your channel I have subscribed immediately 😂❤thank you again and sorry for the long message and especially for my English 😂 God bless you, your partner and Dr. Ramani Durvasula! Bye Mayim a big 🫂
Dr. Ramani helped me navigate my life. By understanding who I'm dealing with and what I have to go through. It helps how I can be more functional as a human being. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and Mayim for having this podcast.
Thank you for this episode. Narc abuse is multidimensional and affects the partner profoundly. We need all the awareness. I ended a nearly 10 year relationship with someone like this in January and my life is in shambles.
Oh my God , Dr. Ramani I would love to be interviewed by you because I am an ordinary everyday person and I strugglesd for almost 30 years to build or even have a relationship with a person and no matter what I did it was never good enough. I think what frustrated her to most was she bought everybody, but she could not buy me and make me into whatever it was that she was looking for a couple of years ago, I started listening to your podcast and finally I remove myself from this person and my life feels so much betterand I feel much better about myself. Thank you so much for doing the work you do as I am sure you will help thousands if not millions of people I so appreciate you and your wisdom Theresa.
I’ve read some article that says everyone has a percentage of narcissism, but the ones that are healthier, have lesser percentage.
“it’s a lack of capacity and you are not going to be the person to pull it out of them because they ain’t got it.” Very well said.
It’s a tragedy when there is an investment into a relationship that is all about one person and it is not reciprocal. You literally love someone and it goes to waste.
Mayim, this is a brilliant interview! Your questions to Dr Ramani were amazing. Dr. Ramani is my hero!!!! I've listened to her for three plus year's...I like to say that I've studied with her because her information and experience has helped me understand my complex life in a deep way. Great interview. I love your brilliance! ❤
i started watching Dr. Ramani about 5 years ago when i was first healing from living with a narcissist for many years.