When your narcissistic parent is ANGRY at you for GOING NO CONTACT
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" How could you, that's your mom!" The guilt tripping and gaslighting from the flying monkeys in the family.
NO THANKS! I choose my mental health and NOT "family" this time.
Good for you !! I just did myself. Mothers bf is a narcissist, she gravitated to those types ...mistakenly she thinks they are strong- by being a bully ? Being obnoxious ? She's got some really weird views on life.. shes borderline narcissist. My father was full blown Donald Trump. Had yhe money cheated on all his gf's my mother and he also used to smack his wives around including my mother...she became like him after the divorce or whatever...now she's got this boyfriend who is straight up weird. Whispers threats to me, saying don't give your mother a hard cuz im here now.. threatening me...the last straw was Mar 29th...he hu.iliated me in front of a bunch of people...my mother just sat there.
My (35) father (70) just sent me this “BuT Im YoURe FaThER” today after i attempted to enforce a one phone call a week boundary. i knew it was laughable. he got to 22 hours lol
I played it a bit differently as I had learned a few tricks by the time I decided to go no contact.
The trick is to make it seem as though it was THEIR idea.
I set a boundary, then calmly said to her that this was my choice and a right I had. If she wasn’t okay with my new “rule” and SHE decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of my life because I was making it, then I would understand lol.
It wasn’t “clean” by any means. She didn’t answer or speak to me for a couple of months then, lo and behold, all of a sudden had two different types of cancer and some other ailment (I lost track). Basically trying to guilt trip me. She then, once again, asked me to do the thing I had refused to earlier. She then decided to “cut all ties” when I still said no. It was so obvious it was almost comical. Once you figure them out, their simplicity is similar to a child’s.
She has since tried to “reel me back in” but that’s just because she full heartedly believes I need her and that she’s the most important person in my life. I suppose she’ll believe that for the rest of her life. She’ll never accept that I’m never coming back.
That’s a her issue though. Really has nothing to do with me.
I went no contact recently with my mother, and I believe I will just stay no contact with all of her side. She may be assassinating my character, but to whom? To a family that also treated me like crap my whole life? Even when I was a small child? When it first happened, I felt extremely sad because I grieved a mother who never existed. A family who never existed. But now I just don't care, I haven't lost anything by walking away from that entire family. My mother lost a wonderful daughter who loved her so deeply, who so desperately just wanted to be seen by her, and who the heck is she anyway but a bleepity-bleep, and the rest of them lost a great woman who they vilified to feel better about their small, little lives. Good riddance to all of them. Pretty sure I'm in an anger phase right now. But this time, I think the end of this cycle is finally, FINALLY letting go. What a breath of fresh air. What a slice of freedom! I'm glad I did it and they can all be mad.
I've been Very LC with my NM's family all my life. Christmas cards are it (to keep the crazy fundamentalists in her family from trying to "save me" back to their cult). While I grieved not having a family as a child, it's such a relief to know my NM has no one she can smear-campaign me to (that she hadn't spent my entire childhood badmouthing me to), she can't triangulate in my family of making (because she has no access), she can't recruit any flying monkies of consequence (as I live approx 1,000 miles away). Going NC c/ her had minimal collateral damage as I haven't ever participated in her side of the family (not a close, warm, or loving group from what I gleaned having barely seen them as a child anyway). Relief. Fresh air. Slice of Freedom - (hell, the whole Pie!). You just posted my life, girl!
They WILL be mad...but they always were, weren't they?
Oh I’m there now.. no, you’re right. When it’s over it’s over!
Hell yes to the anger phase lol I said some things out loud that I wish I could have said to her but none of those would hurt as much as my absence because she got rid of her only real ally against a bunch of narc men. Kudos to you for realizing you deserve better. 🥰
good for you
can definitely empathasize with grieving a mother that never existed
there is a very great video farther back in this channel that words it as "you were robbed" and it's very true imo because even though i knew it since i was a toddler - "i am so little - nothing i did could make me deserve a mom like this - nobody deserves to live in a house like this" i never dared say it out loud
I do say it now when I'm in safe spaces though because learning about narcissstic parents in general after having grown up with 2, I know that in fact I did deserve parents who possessed and imparted empathy and who saw and wanted and loved me unconditionally. We didn't get them, but we did deserve them because every kid does. And that grief is one of the frequent stumbling points for me because sometimes I get embarrassed for feeling so sad and hurt and insignificant over something I never had. But when I listen to that - "I get embarassed for feeling" - I remember what I did have: 3 decades worth of being insulted, screamed at, and shamed for feeling. Then I remind myself that if I learned anything from the crap I was put through and the bare emotional minimums I was denied it's that I have the right to feelings and by Thor's Hammer I won't put up with gaslighting anymore even if it's self-gaslighting.
I can relate, same here, .....
Gone full no contact with narcissistic father years ago, mother 8 months ago, and all family.
I now chose ME
Going through this right now. N-mum is playing the martyr and the ENTIRE family took her side. It hurts. Thank God for my devoted spouse.
Lol I’ve seen so many people like you get brainwashed by your spouses to abandon your families. It’s ridiculous that you throw your whole family into the garbage but yet it’s somehow them who have the problem.
Told my favourite cousin about all the abuse, about my plans to go no contact etc. She pretended to be so caring etc. Months later she started giving me attitude. Tried to manipulate me, ignored what I had told her. I learned 1. Don't tell ANYBODY in the narc family system. Tell someone else. 2. Don't tell your plans ever 3. At least temporarily, cut off everyone else as well. You can let them back in slowly later but that is also usually not smart
This is helpful, thank you. I’ve finally ran out of my narcissistic family a few months ago and only recently decided to go no contact and blocked all of them. I have been wondering if cutting off all relatives is necessary too and this confirms it 😢😥
💯 I agree. It’s sad I can’t really talk to anyone in my immediate family about it much. They’re mostly enablers and flying monkeys, or narcs themselves. Finding my safe supports for sure. 👍 ❤️
I made a terrible mistake in telling my narcissistic parents about some of the trauma I’ve endured by them from their abusive behavioral patterns and my toxic older brother took off the bolts to my door. The bolts haven’t been on since.
We see you and support you ❤❤❤ Ignore negative comments from people who don't understand (they got their own issues) 🤗
@@lanao.2889 I've been 100% No Contact since 2020. I went ultra low contact in 2018. I moved out of the family home in 2011 and stayed only temporarily during breaks between university semesters. I wish I could have gone fully no contact in 2011 because it would have saved me 9 years of hell between 2011 and 2020 with the narcissistic family. I am free now and have my own house that is safe and peaceful with my two cats. No Contact is the only safe option.
The family members I went no contact with don't care.I'm 59 and have never been freer! FINALLY !!!!
I'm going to be like you
My counselor once said, Wow, you must be pretty important to get such a rise out of the family by going no contact. That has stuck with me for years and without regret that I went no contact.
That makes so much sense. Thank you
That is a great viewpoint.
I really hope I can begin shifting my mindset to view it like this
YES! In my case, I was the one who resolved all the unresolvable issues. I researched, investigated and spent time trying to solve family problems or needs. AND I was also the scapegoat.
Yes, I was very important. But not in the way one could feel special.
Much love ro all of us! ❤
Exactly!! You were the dumping or wiping ground for their shame so when that is gone...rage ensues...ironically, they rage at the person who was making them "feel better" as you took on their shame. It is utterly selfish, crazy making and just sh1t how they can't or won't see the truth in their behaviour. All the best and happiness with your freedom!
Moving to another state has made my no contact easy. It's been 8 years no contact and I'm now in the privilidge position of growing my own family without the dysfunction. ❤
Proud of u
The hardest part is that concerned third parties, who only hear the narcissist's vengeful, hateful lies (placing blame 100% on my husband and me) feel so strongly about the estrangement that they call or visit to urge reconciliation. They gently tell us we are "stubborn" or "pig-headed", "unforgiving" or even "cruel." "Your mom is old and sick...it's up to you to make amends before she dies..." blah blah blah. We don't want to defend, explain or smear narcissistic mom. We just want to be left alone, but Narc-mom seems to spend all her time finding well-intentioned people to intervene on her behalf. But heartfelt apologies? Acknowledgment of her abusive and hateful behavior and words? That never comes. Nor will it, ever.
My mother officially had me declared "missing" because I went No Contact with her. Police came to my job looking for me since they had a record of me being employed there. There were no penalties given to me-why should there be?-but it took over 35 minutes to clear up. I even asked what would happen to her and they said nothing, but that there would be consequences if she ever did this again. She just never learns, even at 78 years of age. She still doesn't understand why people would want to avoid her.
Omg, narc parents love doing this.
They will go around telling everyone ur crazy and mentally ill
@@singstreetcar5881 Whenever I disagreed with her, she would say I was on drugs. She would even do this in front of people and it started when I was a teenager.
(She does the "drugs" thing with everybody else as well, not just me. She still thinks like it's the mid-60s when LSD , pot, etc started creeping into the news more. Mentally, she goes back to that time period to use that as an excuse)
If I was No Contact with her before this incident, after this? HA!!! Forget it all. Yet I feel so much better. I feel free and not burdened.
Yes and she's gonna have to go ahead and stay angry.
It’s heartbreak and clarifying for us potently do; to value the full magnitude of ourselves and reengage in the world seeking a path with gentle souls who value each other with honor and respect.
And very very lonely and I'm fine with it
Yup, my narcissistic mom can stay angry alone in a nursing home by herself when the time comes. She is reaping what she's sown
Yes & yes… damned if I do, damned if I don’t
So choose to be damned in a way that will benefit you in the near and far future.
I had to watch this twice because I was crying too hard and processing too much because I felt seen.
Going No Contact was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done. It was without question a search for safety. I went NC after I nearly killed myself during a visit with my family. I realized it was literally life or death.
I chose life.
Wow. So proud of you.
❤
When I learned that the place that felt most dangerous for me was the safest place in the world for others, I knew I would never wanna d*e like that again. We fight to live ❤
This!!! 👏👏👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Good for you. I visited my family for a month I was deeply depressed for an entire year. We deserve peace and joy 💖
I have gone no contact with my narcissistic mother and all the family friends keep questioning why I don’t send the grandchild to her. It’s like they don’t understand that she’s narcissistic.
Oh my, well I do understand, don't worry you are doing fine, you and your precious baby will be fine ❤
They probably don't know she is an actual narcacist.,but that is not your problem. I bet they know she is not nice,and they will realise that more with you out of the picture. It is your life and you are defending your child. You are doing nothing wrong. Best wishes to you.
Well they wouldn't understand or know
Unfortunately people don’t understand until they experience the narcissist
@ms.Waldorf that's true. And also are they going to realise it is narcasism itself. I think that it is something we have to accept. We know. They don't. And leave it there. Not easy at all. But the only way.
Yes, I have gone no contact with my entire side of the family. It was a very difficult decision, but one I will never regret. I am healing and my children won't have to endure this.
Well done ❤❤❤👏👏👏 A really hard decision but at the same time the right one. We see you and support you. Ignore any negative comments from people who don't understand (they got their own issues) 🤗
Being OK with others NOT being OK is the biggest struggle for me. Radical acceptance is taking much longer than I want it to.
Radical acceptance is a tough thing to do and it takes time for that RA to settle in your mind but once it does a freedom does come over you as it has with me and now I feel free from my Narc abuser and my eyes and mind are truly open
@@RustyDarkStone Thank you. That gives me hope
@@talonsarise Never give up hope, Rome was not built in a day and relearning a new way to be that really will benefit you greatly in the long run is not an easy thing to do, in the days when I would struggle with radical acceptance ,I would relisten to podcasts and watch videos on that subject to help reaffirm what I was struggling with and how normal that is and those videos and podcasts would help reinvigorate me into knowing I was on the right path, like anything there will be good and bad days but always put your mental and physical health first because for so long many of us survivors of narcissistic people have not done that and part of radical acceptance is putting YOU first . Keeping strong and keeping focused is what I always say to people who may struggle in this area and keep learning and researching.
My mother never understood that her role as a mother was different from my role as a child. She always used silent treatment but loses it if she perceives she’s being ignored. Everything is adversarial.
My grandmother was the same way. My dad was dying of cancer, I knew I had to juggle being poor, doing law school online , covid protections for my dads compromised immune system, and trying to process grief myself.
And all that happened was I got phone calls from dads mom, or my narc uncles saying “grandma doesn’t think you love her”/“grandma might die after your dad dies since they are so close”.
When I stayed with her, she kept raging to other people that I was neglecting her but would never even tell me why/them why.
Every time it was becoming clear that I was expected to sooth her emotionally, and pick up on signs of her emotions without being told. If she was in a bad mood and I didn’t come up with an idea to lift her spirits, I wasn’t “taking care of her.”
And that’s the problem. Kids and grandkids can’t act as caretakers.
And no one believes that’s the expectation being demanded after you go no contact because it’s INSANE. So they do mental gymnastics to pretend “oh it’s not that bad.”
Realistically, going no-contact is for the sake of safety and well-being. It's not this huge power play of defiance. Victims of narcissistic abuse have nothing to gain and everything to lose by going no-contact; nobody CHOOSES this. It's something we have to do for self-preservation.
Well stated! People ALWAYS seem to think it’s a “power play” when, in reality, it’s merely survival. It’s not a statement or a move to “one up” anyone. I just want to be free.
Literally the best thing about being No Contact is that I do not know, or care, if the narcissist is angry or not. Peace on Earth.
I went NC with my narcissistic mother (at HER start) about 3 years ago. It was unbelievably painful. It all started due to me asking her not to call me names anymore. She exploded, gaslit and blocked me and my children off all social media.
I could not deny the amount of peace with her no longer in my life. There was an opportunity to get together and talk face to face a few months ago but she refused to meet unless I was by myself. I refused to meet without my husband.
I realized she will never change and I chose peace. I blocked her and the peace just increased.
A very sad and painful part, is my step dad (who I’ve known and loved for over 40 years) has also stopped talking to me.
Feelings of abandonment are very real. The feelings of peace IS the stronger emotion.
She needed for you to be alone so she could go as her true self, without the mask. It wasn’t going to be a productive meeting or conversation.
Your step dad is under her control. He stopped talking to you because she insisted. There’s always going to be collateral damage in situations like this. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you it just means he isn’t as strong as you and isn’t willing to go against the narcissist.
When I went no contact with my mother, she kept writing angry letters for a few months, after that she gave other people my adress to send me letters, then she kept sending others to my house to talk to me. I kept ignoring all of those efforts, blocked a lot of phone numbers & so the harrassment stopped after a while. I'm sure she's badmouthing me behind my back, but she has always done that, so 🤷♀️.
It's funny how they all follow the same patterns. My mother did the exact same things. I went no contact almost two years ago and last month was the first time I didn't get a letter from her or a phone call or text from some stranger or distant relative trying to pitch her case. I blocked her and family members who reached out on her behalf and thankfully live very far away (by design) but there was always someone else who would pop up and tell me how my mother was suffering and how horrible of a daughter I was and what a saint she was. All this did was reinforce my reasons to go no contact. When I first went no contact I wasn't sure if it would be forever. After these letters and calls I know I will never see her again or speak to her and that's the healthiest thing. I'm hoping that finally she has given up and won't have to get these letters.
Omg im blocking aunts uncles left and right 😂 she is murdering my name all over! But the creativity that’s opening up for me and the identity that’s being born 😊I can’t wait to meet me for the first time!
Agree. The same thing happened to me and I had to block everyone in the family that was her flying monkeys. In all they really just wanted me to come back to give my mom the supply she needed so they didn’t have to.
Same with putting letters in my mailbox..
😂 omg I thought I was only one who got letters
It's not necessary that narc family will get enraged. Because that will show how important you are. They go silent. They don't care. Just to show how worthless you are. Well,either way, it's a BIG win for the survivors/fighters
This!
Glad I'm not the only one who experienced this. They went silent, telling me I was never important in the family. I was always told I'm worthless - now they are proving it. It's a relief - but it's also quite painful
There were some cultures where during the final stage of life, after growing up and after building your family, one temporarily disappeared into the woods to remove all influence from others so they could learn their true inner voice. Some of us are forced to make that journey much earlier in life.
They want to make that impossible with 15 minute cities. Only the ultra filthy rich can afford the carbon taxes to go see the woods. Concrete jungle for the plebs. It'll have virtual reality and drugs to keep you content in a living hell. Plenty of bugs and lab grown human meat to eat. The beef and chicken is for the ultra filthy rich elites too. You can't afford that either, especially if you refuse to go along to get along.
❤
Oh yes. And of course it's all my fault. They are the victims.
It's going on 11 years since 'No Contact"
My family accused me of being mean and hateful
for cutting ties with my mother and sister.
They were so mad at me that about two years ago they didn't
want to tell me my father was dying. Thank
goodness for one of his exes who reached
out to me. I was able to travel and see my
father before he passed away a month later.
I don't regret the no contact as my mother was
draining me mentally, spiritually and financially.
No child/adult child should feel they have to
buy a parent's affection.
A friend's child went no contact and it is driving my friend crazy...my respect for this friend radically changed especially when she shared the nasty and just plain awful emails she wanted to send to her child. I was blown away and can understand why the child did what they did.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for this side! So often the narcissistic parent wants to play the victim and garnish sympathy from others, they NEVER own up to their extreme toxicity and abusive, invalidating behavior. The child cannot win. They must protect themselves and their sanity, ESPECIALLY if they have people like children and a husband relying on them.
Exactly, I assume some of my Nm's milieu can see through her hatred for her "horrible daughter", ha. @@maryclemens1046
The husband and child(ren) are the STRENGTH of my resolve. I took abuse for a long time but I decided to NEVER make / let my family of making deal with this toxicity. The triangulation WOULD have been cruel. Luckily my fam of making knows enough and over 20+ years are THANKFUL I protected them. @@sarahmayfield1674
I feel seen.
Yes, I had no choice but stopping all contact. It has been years since we spoke and she keeps sending abusing messages.
I will never ever reply. Her sense of entitlement is utter ridiculous.
She does not understand that she does not own me. I will continue to do what is best for me.
Just block her ?
@@jenster29 she changes her number! And even sends messages saying that she is someone else. I will not change my number. She must stop. How far a mother can go to abuse her daughter? …it’s a mystery to me. Narcissist people are definitely a different kind of breed.
@@jenster29depends, sending to ignore and not reading may be better if they have not stopped trying to contact through different numbers. Can you not receive messages from you don't know ?
@@mowglycdb I live in the U.K., she lives in Spain. Impossible to block international numbers. Regardless, she won’t get a response from me. I rather she knows that I won’t change my number to stop her nuisances, she needs to learn to respect people’s choices.
She has complaints from me processed through the police dept online system but there is little they can do about it.
She won’t get a response from me, she knows I have build an indestructible wall to protect myself from her, and nothing, absolutely nothing that she orchestrates can hurt me. I think she hates the idea of peaceful defeat.
@@innerpeace.3620 well there's little risk for escalation if so far, that's nice :)
My narc mother has been smearing and vilifying me since I was 4, so my siblings and family know nothing about who I am. I went no contact finally 2 years ago. I should have 30 years ago, but I want to salvage what I’ve got left of my life. I’m not going to be traumatized, demeaned, or belittled again. I’m not going to walk into a room knowing they were just talking about me and saying horrible things out of jealousy. Not one more single time.
Good for you ❤
My whole childhood consisted of marking time until I was old enough to leave and go no contact. I knew I had to leave all friends and relatives behind because my mother would try to get information about me by misleading these other people. It was hard but worth it.
I was asked by HER, "Why are you so mad?" They know the reason. They just want you to waste time explaining all while getting their supply.
EXACTLY, if they can't abuse you and play their games they feign ignorance and demand an explanation, it's still supply. Different tool same result... satisfying their needs for attention and supply
@@Kelly-oe8kr They can't behave that way to people outside the family. Which shows even more how evil they can be.
@@Steveincorp during what seemed like a burst of visits and aggressive knocking raids to our home by the narcissist, husband and I looked at each other several times over those weeks and said, “if this wasn’t a parent who would put up with this? No other person in this world could behave this way and get away with it. If it was a boyfriend, it would be stalking behavior, if it was a sister, it would be harassment, if it was a long time friend, it would be the death of that relationship. This behavior is so unacceptable but all we’re going to hear from family and friends of the family is “but he’s your dad” or “ but she’s your mom”. And???!!!!
My father formally "disowned" me for marrying his "enemy". My husband is German; my father was a WWII vet. I took him at his word. Later my mother contacted me through the embassy. I conceded. She and my sister proceeded to blame me for my father's death. So I broke the contact again - for good. But the rumination continued for decades.
"The rumination continued for decades" THANK YOU, that last sentence hit powerfully, I thought I was the only one who couldn't stop the memories of these people decades after the discard/no contact.
My sister told me there was no point in arguing with our narcissistic mom. That she lives in a completely different reality. When I really grasped that, I was able to go no contact, and it was the most freeing thing ever. I feel like I have my life now.
You’re so incredibly blessed to have a sister who sees it too. That would make a tremendous difference!
My brother grew to be a sociopath. I can’t really blame him but he was far more aggressively abusive than even my mother. He’s the first one I went no contact with.
You’re so incredibly blessed to have a sister who sees it too. That would make a tremendous difference!
My brother grew to be a sociopath. I can’t really blame him but he was far more aggressively abusive than even my mother. He’s the first one I went no contact with.
I was so powerful! After no contact for over a decade, a flying monkey informed me that everything they were suffering at present was still my fault. Wow!
Once you start no contact with them they may give you the silence treatment until you break. They want you to break and you might because of your desire to be part of the family (trauma bonding). Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted by their parents. No contact may cause feelings of Abandonment, shame, fear, and grief is a heavy weight to carry. Recognition of narc parents hurt. Let others be angry at you for no contact. Heal & love yourself❤
💔
Going through this exact thing . My only ally in this family was my mom and she’s been manipulated away from me. It’s the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Keep pushing , keep going , “this to shall pass” ….. I hope
I've thought about this, but I honestly don't care. I guess they're angry, they were always angry anyway! 😅
Went no contact with my mom the first time and EVERYONE in my family said I needed to mend things with my mom, I needed to try harder, I, I, I was doing everything wrong. They were shocked and constantly trying to make the whole situation all my fault because “that’s your mom!”
Wedding day-two years later-my brother surprised me with a lunch where my mom was the special guest.
One year after that, my mom found yet another way to betray and hurt me. Then, I went no contact with her entire side of the family-including my brothers.
Five years later the brother who invited my mom to the lunch reached out and apologized to me. He updated me- saying that almost everyone who was once trying to get me to talk to my mom, well, THEY don’t even talk to her anymore. I was the common enemy in the family and easy for everyone to unite against me-finally when I wasn’t there, everyone else became her direct punching bag. And then everyone started to step away from her, too. Crazy how that works.
It’s really sad though because I have no interest in getting in touch with these family members, even after this change of heart. My life has been fine without them.
That’s why no contact is required, and you need to show as little reaction as possible. The narc is afraid that if you don’t come back … the more “important” people in her life will begin to be targets for the abuse. Because they start from the premise of “well I need to yell at someone”.
They won’t believe you at first.
They may ever get abused like you did. But if there is any chance they will believe you, the only universe it exists in is one where she can’t get every ounce of abusive urges out on you.
I don't know if my mother is angry at me going no contact, but I know she is still talking trash about me. She is 81, and will continue to talk trash until her dying day, when my sister will probably pick up the mantle.
I understand this, my mother taught people to disrespect me, I guess it was a ploy to normalise her abuse so no one called her on it
Been 4 years now of not having any contact with my family. Best decision I’ve ever made. At first I was scared because I wouldn’t have their support but they never supported me anyway! And they constantly tore down anything I did, ( college, job, business, hobbies, emotions… etc). Lots of future faking. In fact, I am terrified of ever seeing them again.
I still get anxious thinking about even accidentally running into my mother, but I try to remember when they see you being so much happier.. that is the best revenge. Especially if they seem like they can’t be happy enough in their own life to not bring down others
My narc mother wouldn't stop lying about my scapegoat sister so I went "no-contact" but it still pains me to this day for doing that. I wish I could stop caring but knowing that I do reminds me of my true humanity.
No contact is the only right way, being human to different disorders requires different responses. Narcissm is a mental disorder and they need to be treated a certain way. Celebrate your "no contact" approach, there is no other humane way anyways 🤷♀️
@@wreckitjax Nope. The problem is you.
We see you and support you ❤❤❤ Ignore negative comments from people who don't understand (they got their own issues) 🤗
Congratulations. My sibling acknowledged my prior scapegoat status, but never stood up for me. Unfortunately, we're not close because she's enmeshed in the relationship as the aging, co-dependent Golden Child (in her 50s). It's nice to see some sibs are willing to take that stance in defense / honor of their sibling. Well done you.
Yes!!! People -especially my siblings- judge me for going no contact decades ago. BUT-they lived in the family I did so they know of the abuse chaos dysfunction of our parents. They, wanna remain in denial and expect me to remain in my role…scapegoat. Well I say NOPE. I’m learning, growing, thriving!!! Thank you Dr Ramani. You’ve helped me along on this journey of healing.
It's soul crushing when the enablers clearly saw the abuse you suffered and who the real perpetrator was yet still criticise the victim for having to walk away for their own safety and sanity.
I've been no-contact for a couple of years, after 15 years of wanting & trying to go NC. I ended up staying in contact to have access to my terminally ill parent, but after they passed, I realized years later that I'd gotten roped into staying in contact even after being shamed & blamed at the funeral. Whenever I receive another syrupy sweet text message (that I don't answer), my inner adult reminds me "This parent wasn't nice to you for 35 years. They've only started being nice to you now to rope you back in."
Probably because they want you to take care of them.
It was the easiest, most powerful thing in the world to go no contact with family of origin once I understood narcisism and understood what they've done to me my whole life.
This, 100% this.
For me it's not and it wasn't easy, it was hell, even knowing all of this. All the time I was wondering if all that happened was real, if maybe I was exaggerating, or maybe I was the flaw in everything. I'm so much better now after 8 years of no contact but I still need to hear every now and then this kind of videos, read about the dynamics, just to assure myself, because my mind still goes back and minimize everything, minimizing myself.
It was a difficult decision to go no contact, but when I did this winter, she started meddling and interrogated my sister in law, and brother and sister the gossip stalking and smear is bonkers. I feel like I can't share my life with any body. I have an art show coming up and I don't dare tell my sister because it will get to NM and NM will sabotage it like she did last time. I'm fearful because I slipped and told my brother I really hope he doesn't tell NM. I don't want her to show up and sabotage my art sales again like she did in the past. Flying monkeys all around me.
We see you and support you ❤❤❤ Ignore negative comments from people who don't understand (they got their own issues) 🤗
I went NO CONTACT over 30 years ago...horrible abuse and yes the burden of healing within was placed squarely on me. Complete BS!!!!! I don't care how they felt then or now! It was the hardest decision I've ever made AND, I asked them to go to therapy...needless to say, if they wanted to they would have. Love yourself and get into therapy and DO NOT torture yourself over forgiving them. You can move on with or without forgiveness. How dare these awful parents abuse without remorse.
Ty Dr. Ramani!
Went no contact over a decade ago. its was hard and a bit risky. I was younger and a bit naiive to the world. I was shamed and rejected because I wanted to go for education while my parent didnt want me to.
They didnt like the call outs and couldnt bear me living for me and not taking care of them. They never banked on me bailing out and getting away. I still feel sick about it sometimes.
We see you and support you ❤❤❤ Ignore negative comments from people who don't understand (they got their own issues) 🤗
@@dynamic9560 much thx for the support!❤️ us survivors banding together strengthens us against narcs and their enablers.
The pushback is so toxic from siblings, who don't have the courage to go NC themselves. They forgive the toxic person over and over but there's none for me or any understanding of how hard it was to let go of my parent and now them because of how badly they treated me. They don't realize that one day our parent will be gone and they'll look for me but I will be long gone as well
I decided this year to go no contact with most of the family, just because I realized being no contact with my mom wasnt enough. when I would go to family gatherings everyone would ask me about how my mom was doing or when I was going to see her, and that would be triggering for me. I’ve now decided to not go anywhere for holidays anymore and make up my own traditions. I did this quietly, so I’m just waiting for the day my mom or family realizes what I’m doing and interrogates me for not keeping in touch. I don’t know how I’ll respond. ultimately I don’t care what they think of me anymore, but I’m just afraid that I won’t know how to handle the guilt trips, since I’m still working on my people pleasing tendencies.
I had to finally make the hard decision to go no contact with my extremely abusive mother almost 20 years ago. For ten years my mother didn’t stop coming after me. She sent out all her flying monkeys, from strangers she met in the store to other family members. She constantly called me and emailed me. She launched smear campaigns against me. And of course, everything was always my fault. I was the bad person. The bad daughter. Everyone felt bad for her. I was the one who was judged for protecting myself. Thankfully, she finally stopped, but the damage she left in her wake will never be fixed.
When my Dad(her spin doctor and a truly good man in a bad situation) passed, I was just done with my mother. Her behavior at his memorial and in the days prior to it was the last straw.
I love the silence
I'm sorry for your loss. Similarly, when my father died, she made it all about her. She didn't tell me when the funeral was, had to find out on Instagram. She was cold and passive aggressive to me at the service, unless others were watching. Sending you hugs!
This thing should have reaction emojis... the stories...!
This sounds like my story. NC after my dads funeral in 2007.
My mom even defended my sister spelling my name wrong in his obituary! So grateful I found Dr. Ramani. 💙🙏💙
Wow......same thing here. She became more nasty and spiteful. The split came when she sent a crazy letter to my son. I was done at that point. The funniest thing was that she purposely did not send me an invite for the reunion. I keep in touch with other family members more than she does. I now expect all levels of pettiness. Hurt people, unless they make an effort to participate in some level of therapy, will continue to hurt other people. They have done this their entire life.
The timing of this video is so perfect! Dr. Ramani always knows what I need to hear. I went no/low contact with my family in 2020 - both parents and two sisters who are narcissistic. They have been relentless with reaching out to invite me to family events, holiday, etc. with the hope that I will finally break down and go. It is 2024 now - so they've been doing this for 4 years so far. 😞 I am exhausted. They are not happy about my choice to remove myself and often make that known with nasty messages, getting other family members to reach out too (flying monkeys), and finding ways to insert themselves into my life by friending my friends on social media. I do not regret going no/low contact; even with the bullying I endure because of it. Keeping my distance is much better then being caught up in their chaos tornado. I am learning how to heal and live my best life.
I’ve been in no contact with my family for the past year and a half, and it has only led me to become mentally healthier. I’ll be 32 years old in a month. It makes me angry and sad to think about how long it’s taken me to get to this point but I’m also so grateful that I’ve even arrived here. So many live this hell without seeing the truth - and the truth will set you free. Dr. Ramani, your videos saved me from my last abusive relationship, which I have promised myself will be my last forever. Growing up in a narcissistic family indirectly grooms you for more abuse in adulthood, but I refuse to let unhealthy people warp my mind anymore. My family is confused and I’m okay with that. I have nothing to prove to them. I may be lonely as hell, but I’m also free and finally open and confident enough to look forward to meeting healthy people. Thank you for all that you do 🙏🏻
Let it burn ❤
Wow. Not easy. Wishing you loads of luck in finding healthy relationships with people who respect you
Can bring on confusing labels like “she’s crazy” or “she’s out of control” or “she’s lost it”. Then questioning of self and temptation to get back into the system to “prove” they’re wrong and go back into approval-seeking… so painful and crazy-making.
Yes i relate to this.. was always called “out of control “ when i stood up for myself
Please don’t ever go back!!
I take breaks from my mom. She wants me to listen to her politics in person and on the phone, but she is so extreme that it makes me feel uncomfortable. She knows I have a boundary about it, and that makes her try harder. I recently enforced a boundary and politely exited a call and she went on a smear campaign about me. She reached out to my brother and kids with untrue info about me. Ugh. I can’t give it power. And I can’t control what others believe about me.
I may go back to low contact with my mom, but that’s on her.
I was the scapegoat and it seems my mom still thinks she can push me down. I have mercy for her, but more importantly, respect for my own boundaries.
Go with your gut! Your gut will NEVER fail you..
"She knows I have a boundary about it, and that makes her try harder" - Massive red flag. Your mom is a control freak.
Narcs see a boundary others have set as a goal to achieve, instead of a line to not cross.
After my mother repeatedly invalidated and humiliated me, taking away my dignity , even after we sit and talked that it wasn't ok for her to do that, she has done it worse one final time, and I went No Contact...
Funny enough, to keep her image of a 'good mother' , she is engaging in 'reverse smear campaign '...
She tells everybody how she is so loving and caring towards me, post messages on social media on my birthday about how proud she is of me, so people get mad at me for not talking to her, making me look bad in this situation...
It's not worth to expose her (I have many proofs with message prints), because putting more negative energy into this will not make the already negatives dissipate...
I'll just have to live with the fact that I never had and will never have a mother that loves me for who I am...
I've had that experience in the past when a rarely heard from person said, "Oh your mom said you were doing so well and she'd had a lovely phone call from you. " We hadn't spoken in MONTHS. The image of her relationship with her daughter was more important than her daughter. LOL. As she ages and loses her "filter", more and more people see who she really is...those who don't? Who cares........?
@@Dana-gj5hrExactly... It's kinda sad seeing other people I know and other family members actively avoiding my mother.. she is isolating herself more and more , but she is reaping the consequences of years of abuse she dished out to people...
I know someone who went no contact and was abused. When she left, they didn't care.
And that precisely shows their lack of true humanity, something they’ll have to answer for in their own time. I pray the woman is healing well and has found true support.
It is sad. I left last week my mom. No contact and doesn't care either.
So if they fight for you they are stupid and if they don’t fight then they are ugly. Do you people see how they can’t win?
@@SarahIons It really does show you they are just not worth the effort. I look at the discard like that as a blessing in disguise. Who needs abuse. It will hurt for a while but like a break up you will get over it. I would tell myself and accept what does happen when it gets hard. That will help you through. Accept the reality. Remember seek support when you feel down.
@@magorzatasanchez736 People like this are very self serving and for whatever reason they do this, it is not your problem. The problem is there behaviour and what they do to you and no one deserves that. They really do have a lack of humanity!! The women did it on her own through research. She us brave and wanted a better life than what that bought her.
Of course they’re angry, they always find a reason 😂
Nobody got angry at me. I was the last man standing.. the response from the Narcc "you just want revenge"
I just want to be left alone.
I went no contact with my mom (1.5 years and counting). It cost me half of my family - my mom's siblings and my sister. Sometimes, I still get angry text messages from my aunt (enabler) that I should reconnect with my mom. My uncle and sister are simply keeping their distance from me. However, I could keep the other half of my family (my father's side, who divorced my mom), and one cousin from my mom's side. The reason? Authenticity. To all family scape goats; please be the beautiful authentic person you are. The people who matter will see you!
My family resents me for going no contact for a spell. Tried to patch things up given a new great grand baby, and no surprise, nothing has changed. My mother is a selfish, childish 80 yrs old. Now I'm back to little contact, thank god.
I’m one of the people who decided to go no contact with a narcissistic daughter. It’s been 16 months since I last talked to my older daughter. I have no plans to renew this relationship. My other daughter has voiced her anger over this decision and I have come to realize that she is a covert narcissist. My older daughter is a textbook example of malignant narcissism. My other daughter blames me for my decision to not interact with her. I got through the Easter holiday pretty well. I stayed home by myself having not been invited to any family get togethers. It gets a little easier with each holiday that goes by. I know I’ll never have the relationships I want with my children. I’ve stopped fooling myself that things can ever change. Radical acceptance means I no longer fool myself into believing things could be different. They can’t.
We went no contact with my mother in law years ago after I ripped the phone off the wall because she called us all night after we got off the phone with her more quickly than she thought we should have. We had been trying to wean her off the hours long weekend phone calls for months after we moved to a new city. My husband didn’t hear from her again for 14 years. He still considers that one of the best days of his life. 😂
Fortunately no one shamed us because pretty much everyone had had it with her by then.
I'm EXTREMELY low contact with my father. My enabler mother is the only one bothered. She tries to guilt me into a "relationship" with him all the time.
SAME HERE !! My mom wants to act surprised I dont really talk to him ni more, like she wasnt married to the guy (now divorced). Hello, I lived in the same house as yall? I remember my childhood very well. I dont hold grudges just dont want no father daughter relationship with him simple as.. sorry had to vent
@@MarjyGTV my mother uses the "your dad wants a relationship with you" line..... But the phone works both ways. Relationships are a two way street.... And I have ALWAYS been the only one putting in effort (before going NC). I don't want to deal with the CONSTANT victimization and negativity and manufactured helplessness anymore. Vulnerable narcissistic parents are awful - and I have to focus on healing from the trauma growing up with one caused in ADDITION to my ex's (who I also discovered is a narcissist) narcissistic abuse.
@@MissReneeMichelle right I'm tired of hearing "your dad is sad you dont want to talk to him" and thats any of my business because?... they know what they're doing. They just cant stand to be seen as the bad person. They just want to forget all the harm they caused. Theyre also afraid of the karma thats coming so wantin to act fake nice to try and reverse the karma but thats not how it works. Play stupid circus games, win stupid circus prizes 🤷🏽♀️
When I went NC almost 2 years ago, my nmom went insane calling everyone including the police (until they hung up on her lol) and then spread lies about me at my grandma's funeral (my sister told me).
From my childhood to my young adulthood my mother's narcissism got worst as she aged. I went no contact with her to survive and protect myself. At the beginning I felt so much guilt but with therapy I came to understand that it was a very mature decision. I was in my early twenties. I am the only one in the family who was able to break the chain.
Been nc over 4 years. I still have nightmares about being in my parents homes and around them. The only regret I have is not waiting until my mid 30s, but I wonder if time will make the nightmares easier
After 68 years, I have finally gone no contact with mother and by doing so also have gone no contact with the golden child and his family. She said the only reason she had ME was to take care of her. I got the “how dare I” in words out loud and also “I gave you life…” and you can imagine the remainder of that statement. That was it.
I'm sure my mother is enraged by my no contact, but since I don't have contact with her (for 4 years now), her emotions no longer affect me. So she can be as angry as she wants to be, her feelings, wants and needs are not my concern anymore. What a blessing!
I don't have contact with my sister anymore, either. I took a break from our relationship for several years, but a few years ago I reached out to her again. She had the same contemptuous, arrogant attitude with me that she always has, nothing had really changed, except that she had an additional chip on her shoulder that I hadn't talked to her for a few years. So it turns out SHE'S now the one who has gone no contact with ME (the discard). It makes me sad, but honestly she's never been a loving sister to me anyway (just like my mother was never a mother), so it's for the best.
Been 10 years of no contact, best thing I have ever done. Biological mother was the issue, never heard from anyone, know that lies about myself being told…and i know the truth. Have the best support with spouse. I live authentically and it hurts, of course, but the people who I surround myself with treat myself with the love and acknowledgment I yearned. I send love to all who are here and have to deal with this.
Yes I went no contact with both of my parents and my Dad's family is nowhere to be found now and my Mom's family is distant. They've both smear campaigned me since I was a child for no reason other than to cover up their own faults and place the blame on me for neither of them being responsible enough to parent.
So right on! I am considered crazy. They spread a smear campaign about me. If they believe it, my memories as a child of them are false, and it hurts and to this day I am so mad I don't know what to do. I wonder what it's like growing up with unconditional love.
My life was ruined when I went no contact. The betrayal, lies, slander and intentionally rejecting me from family that I was not trying to go no contact with (just my mother which means my father after I tried to require a boundary for safety). The shame rejection abandonment and lies an about me “being on drugs” and “being crazy”, was too hard to handle and to remain strong from.
Out a moment of desperation and endless anxiety I blocked my mother after endless years of trying to please and repair what she was constantly destroying, being on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Unfortunately it didn't stop with ending the contact with her but my whole family. I had to stop contact with one by one after discovering that noone was in my team. Everyone is supporting that monster.
It's a hard road you're currently on, but eventually those family members who are on her team will realize that you were right all along. That said, they probably won't admit it. Move on and be around people who truly value you.
I have gone no contact with the Narcissistic angry alcoholic mother. Only for her to go stalking my in-laws and trying to get in touch with me. 7 years later, I stupidly opened myself up to reconnecting. I completely regret it as I am dealing with health issues and enduring her toxic dysfunction. I look forward to the day that she no longer is around to nag me, belittle me and try to argue with me.
Your attempt to reconnect reflects who you are and your values. It wasn't stupid. In fact, sometimes a breach of No Contact is exactly what you need to do to reinforce that NC is the right decision. There will be no change in the other person and you can always tell yourself (1) I did try and (2) I verified that I was correct the first time. You might have second-guessed yourself for a moment, but now you won't waste time "third guessing" yourself. I'm sure many of us in this group have been there!!!
No contact with my narc mother for over 10 yrs.
My son (whom she tried to take away from me) doesn’t want to see her anymore either.
Been smeared and verbally harassed by the rest of my family, which are all enablers.
It used to hurt me so much. But not anymore. I know why I’m doing it, they don’t.
❤ why do they want to take our kids. I can relate. It's like they have an evil script.
I had a narcissistic mother. She also had schizo-effective depression.I was the oldest of six children. I was also the scape goated truth teller. So, you know what that means. All of my life had been spent trying to win her love. During that time I had no idea what narcissism was. My other siblings were never there to help in taking care of her in her old age. She painted an awful picture of me to my siblings and her friends and family. There came a time I hit a brick wall. I couldn't go to her apartment anymore and deal with the rotten insinuations and insults towards me. She seemed to single me and my youngest brother out as the biggest targets of her abuse. Two children were golden children and the other two were just there. This is such a long story. I can't tell it all here. In a nutshell - she abused me all my life - I hit a wall where I felt I could no longer take the abuse - my intention was to take a break from her and then try to re-establish some sort of relationship if possible. She died during the time I had broken off contact with her. Needless to say, my reputation was further sullied by my siblings because I wasn't present when she died. I was there for her all of her life minus the last year or so. My siblings were almost never there. They didn't give her thousands of dollars. They didn't take her out to eat and buy her gifts. They didn't clean her house. They didn't help her when she was out of her head doing crazy things. They conveniently disappeared. My siblings were brain washed about me. And, I think some of them may be narcissists. I didn't need to break off contact with them. They broke it off with me. There were no arguments or disagreements. They just excluded me when there were family gatherings. I was treated like I had the plague and I could never figure out why until I learned about narcissism. Thank goodness I at least can understand what is going on. It is still painful dealing with this.
This couldn't have come at a better time.
I am at this moment straining over the paperwork to extend my mother and her husband's third orders for Protection. Intrusive doubts & thoughts have been flooding my mind and you seem to have addressed each and every one of them in one video. thank you so much Dr Ramani, I needed this.
I feel so validated I suddenly have much more compassion for myself for what I've been through.😢😊
When I told my mother I didn’t know if I could invite the emotionally abusive narcissistic sister in law who verbally assaulted me to my birthday party, my mom yelled at me ‘it’s my house and I can invite who I want’. So I made sure my birthday party was at a restaurant and not my mother’s house. Super hurtful that my mom would expect me to put myself in harms way again for the ‘sake of the family’. I’ve been doing it for years and can’t and won’t do it anymore. I am for sure doing it for safety and well being. My mother is bonkers controlling and can’t stand me speaking up and saying no. So tired of it all. Prioritizing my peace. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My mom used to call me all sorts of horrible names as a child thur early adult (I'm 40 now) and would comment on how ugly my face was if I cried/got upset. I moved across the country and I kept a minimal relationship with her. However, her name-calling has stopped, but her tactics have changed, and are more insidious/hidden. Does this happen? She'll go after my intelligence, my relationships, or talk about my appearance.
BUT I also have this need to mother HER, by trying to help and guide her. She was arrested a few times, in my teens and in my 20s (she's an ex-drug addict). I bailed her out once, the other time I financially couldn't and was met by her rage. She's in her mid-60s now, and she's still financially careless, a current alcoholic, has no hobbies and is neglectful of her health. YET, she has this strange superiority complex with me, she's always comparing herself to me, it's awful.
You should remind her that you’re not a drunk when she compares you again.
@@Byebandit50 Haha, in softer words I have many times, and it always sets her off , guilt tripping and shaming is ,...lol. Which I'm thinking is the reason why she hardly calls now.
I've 'no contact' with the whole family....14 years now...oh the smear campaign still continues to this day and I haven't risen once to it...complete block out on everything....the times they tried to ruin me is uncountable...
I have gone no contact with my narc aunt. For years I thought she was the one person in the family who might understand how I was feeling (she is a psychologist, but doesn't believe in narcissism in the modern context, and once pretended not to know what gaslighting was - while she was gas lighting me - hilarious if it wasn't tragic).The last few years before my father (her much older brother and also the narc who still lives in my head) died I started to realize I may have been wrong about her. Once my father died, she revealed her true self, and it was shocking (I guess she was content to stay in my father's shadow while he lived). She immediately took my father's seat at the table literally and figuratively - trying to control my mother the way my father did. She owed my father A LOT of money when he died, and although she offered to pay my mother the money when Dad died, she later took back her offer when my mother asked about it (a year later). Her response was that she would have to sell something -- like a rental property or other investments. In the meantime, she takes multiple vacations a year, flying first class wherever she goes. The only reason I know about this is because my mother started having suspicions and asked me what I thought about my aunt's new arrangement for payment -- it seems like she is trying to pay the minimum interest until my mother dies, and then hope the loan is forgotten/forgiven. Since I gave my opinion and became the "fly in the ointment" my aunt recruited my brother to help "reign me in". I have only scratched the surface here -- let's just say I feel betrayed, violated and heartbroken. I had to go no contact because I can't be in the room with her and not lost my shit.
She is in the wrong line of work. Her patients will figure that out I'm sure
The same applies when an adult child goes no contact with a parent. In addition to the above, I have grandchildren whom I have not even met. It's been 10 years. Hopefully someday those grandchildren will be on their own and we can start having a relationship. I can think of nothing more cruel to one's children and parent than to be estranged. I've reached out numerous times, but nothing.
So in my case it is my mother in law. I recently decided not to have my children on social media anymore. She continued to post pics of my kids, when me and my husband asked her to stop. She unfriended and blocked me on social media. And continued to screenshot pics that I did post privately and share them publicly on her profile.So I have went low contact and no contact. She now is texting husband and her and FIL are pretending they HAVE no idea what they did to disrespect me. We still see them occasionally (holidays) but since I can't trust her I implemented a no taking pics at all policy. She is enraged. My 10 yo heard her cussing out FIL when he asked again at Christmas to take photos of kids. Idk what else to do. But it has bee so peaceful without her drama and chaos. It honestly seems like she cares more about her fB followers than her actual children and grandchildren. She has since started a smear campaign against me: I am hateful, malicious ect. I honestly just wish them well. The harassing txt msgs make it clear we will most likely never reconcile.
How about the family that goes cold, and I mean ice cold, on you when you go no contact? They don’t care AT ALL about you, and they act like you never existed. No one gives a hoot! You feel neglected, abandoned, invisible, unlovable - everything you felt BEFORE you went no contact, you feel AFTER you go no contact.
Ah, you've met my family. Discarded and bullied me out of the family then life moved on like I never existed. They never cared and never will
@@Kelly-oe8krSame here. It was painful but their actions at least validated that I made the right choice.
My life is not worth living.
For several, complex, personal reasons I estranged my own parents over 3 years ago but I have no better off , in any aspect.
I found out through a horrid acquaintance (who somehow managed to become a qualified BACP counsellor despite her disgusting attitude) in 2022 that my elderly father passed away in 2021, and of course she was really mocking me and made me feel to blame.
I don't even know if my own mother is dead or alive never mind angry but I am not a strong woman and will not return to family home no matter what.
I am not okay whatsoever.
I am a British born but unfortunately fully and visibly Indian female, approaching 30, with no life quality, heavily bullied, unfortunate, undeveloped, unqualified, unemployed, unattractive, unwell, flat chested, excessively hairy, chronically ill, skin diseased, medically neglected, confused, distressed, extremely young looking, deformed, traumatised, non driving, abnormally innocent, failed, lost, single, undesirable, dehumanised, suicidal, incapable, uncomfortable, weakened, anxious, miserable, not okay, rotting away!
Please, Lord, somebody, help me!
Thank you
I have gone no contact with my youngest daughter. She and her husband are both narcissists. As you said, I hit a wall and was no longer willing to chase her for her approval etc. In unraveling this narcissistic web I have also realized my mother was a narcissist. She never seemed to like me. 50 years ago I didn’t have the language or knowledge to sort out her narcissistic behavior. Thanks to your information Dr. Romani I now have words to put with the emotions. My oldest granddaughter and I are now able to work on these situations together Thank you so much!
Well ur not suppose to “chase” her. This is about embodying who you are and coming at people from an unconventionally loving place. We can smell agendas on our narc moms!
I went no contact with my mom and most of that side of the family. I don’t know if I’d say “anger” but diminishment and gaslighting. My mom showed up one random day at my work. It was so rattling I had to go home. And of course she said the text book narcissistic response, “are you doing this to hurt me?” That pretty solidified my no contact
their response was: " Are you satisfied now? ... this is what you have always wanted" 😢 it was hard but necessary, I was exhausted.
I'm no contact now. My mother keeps messaging me. When I ignored her, she now tries to use my father. She threatened with jumping in front of a train if I kept this up. She told my father, her husband that she would divorce him because of this situation. So he was on the phone, crying.
Later he gave me an ultimatum and told me, think on if this is worth it for you. When I told him that I was still in therapy for how mean my mother was toe, he told me this was "my side of the story".
When he said this, I was done.
They still treat this as "temporary" , while for me it's not.
When I went no contact with the person who had raised me, this was the first time. Everyone in the family seemed to disappear out of nowhere. When I had finally had it with HER, everyone decided to give me the silent treatment. So it must have hit a couple of nerves. There was an unwritten rule in the family: 'if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.' I had barely turned on the element (metaphorically speaking) with the simple truth that I was trying to point out, and they got up in arms. Which is fine, but their karmic justice is that they're going to have to deal with each other for the rest of their lives.
Going no contact with the family is considered a tabu. Took me 53 years to stop the contract, very painful. In the beginning they make the kids of the family to call me to make me shamefully, after they ignored me and in the end they erased me from the will. But was worthy, a liberation from toxic people
Wow Dr R 👏 you nailed it. From my side of the world Africa, I feel its worse, there is nothing compared to the Aging African Covert Narcissist! They take the 🏆. We as African kids are trained to obey or else, no blessings for us, I'v had bible verses thrown at me.They guilt us with tradition, cultural customs and religion. After being discarded by my mother, who moved on to the new supply, my sister (who had to drop a 20 yr relationship, to move in and "take care" of my mother. I finally realized NO contact is the way to go, it hurts, but I'm learning to be strong. My mother now sends voice notes to my kids, telling them not to listen to whatever I say.She doesn't realize that, they are noticing her lies, manipulation and control, without me saying a word. She talks to anties, cousins and uncles (the flying monkey's) about, how ungrateful I am. I am 47 yrs old, never been married, she destroyed my relationships, by get this, even calling my boyfriend's ex, that they should get back together again. How she got her number is a scene for the movies. I'm done with the confusion, lies, witchcraft, and dark energy.
Too many narcs and flying monkeys in my family. No contact was really the only option for my brother and I. Me and my younger brother are the "black sheep" because we called my mom out and demanded accountability. Everyone else pulled the knives out on us. It's what it is. We are thriving with our spouses and children and the rest of them are miserable because they cannot get to us anymore(some other family members keep us informed)not only did we both go no contact, we bought a homestead really far away so it's been great!
My mother is not talking to me because I put up boundaries. Her Xmas text was "I love you, even if you don't agree with my way of thinking." I said in the previous conversation we wouldn't talk about "A" but I still wanted to talk with her and know she is fine and doing okay. We just aren't going to talk politics or COVID conspiracies. Since I put up the boundary as we don't see eye to eye, she's not talking to me. Oh well....
I have been no contact with my family for just over a year now. The last time I saw them, it was like I didn't exist. I decided I was done with that, and besides 1 voicemail at the start of the year and 1 text on my birthday from a strange number, I've haven't heard a peep from them. ❤ I guess I wasn't that important, and besides, they already had the extended family disown me with a smear campaign of some kind. They already smear campaigned me in the town where I grew up. They already stole what they liked about my identity and used it for themselves. They already have befriended my old friends and they are no longer mine. They have enough of me, I'm going to find some new everything. Whatever that may be, we will find out. :)
You can do it! I believe in you. You are stronger than you think you are.
I went no contact with my sister after 50 years of normalizing her abuse. I was deeply grieved for a year, but it's been 2 years now and I'm better for it. Also, my sibs are all in their 60's and they have observed the unhealthy dynamic for so long, they were ok with it. They just said "Take all the time you need. We get it." They were happy to split their time between us. I think they were relieved that they didn't have to be around the toxicity of my sister's behavior toward me and feel the discomfort of staying neutral - never saying anything - never challenging her - rolling their eyes and shrugging their shoulders, leaving the room, etc. They were bystanders: not allies, and not flying monkeys. They just refused to take a side and instead let us tough it out. I think they wanted me to be tougher, and stand up to her like they did, or not take it personally, like they did. But their dynamic with her was different. Not sure how I feel about that. But, I couldn't have done this without your guidance, so thank you.
For me going no contact was not so much about avoiding the bile from my mum and/or dad, but about trying to quieten down their influence inside my head such that my propensity to repeat loops from child hood is reduced, and my appetite to try new things without feeling shame is increased. And you know what? it doesn't even work that well. But it's better than where I was before.
I’ve gone no contact with my mom several times over 25 years. My aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all were angry with me the first couple times. Manipulated me, even my mom herself sent me a picture of herself in the hospital after shoulder surgery. Nothing else in the envelope just the pic and on the back said “I’m dying”.
I went no contact for the final time and it’s been 4 years. This last time quite a few of my family members are not angry, rather embrace me. My golden rule since I could remember was never say anything bad about her no matter what. My mom said horrific things about me since I was a child and I think my family sees how she spins out of control to manipulate and I never reacted. I think my family also sees how happy I am now too and supports me despite her continuously spewing I want her dead and so many other nasty shaming things. I’ve made peace that she is not ever going to be in my life and I cannot make any relationship work with her.
Your videos have helped me tremendously when it comes to my slight Narcist mother and 100% Narcist younger sister. There is so much I could unpack but they are NOT worth my energy. It's been 3 years since I last talked to my mom and my sister, it's been hit or miss for texts and such. But I do see the rage when I go gray rock on her. She says, "this is not what sisters do to each other". I immediately remind myself that although we are sisters by blood, we will never be sisters by relationship. I wish them light and love, and drop them from my thoughts.
I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU GET IT.
I haven’t seen my mother, stepfather and stepgrandparents for 5 years, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My other grandparents are still angry with me for “tearing the family apart” or whatever. Apparently there’s yet another smear campaign in the works. Stay strong guys!
Yeah sadly I’ve had to do this but I pray for my mom. She seriously has no idea how abusive and not entitled she actually is, of the damage she causes when she spreads rumors and causes divisions. I can’t imagine living her life, breaks my heart, but I have learned that contact is only enabling her because she receives any kind of contact as fuel and an invite to abuse. She has gone on campaigns to slander her own kids after we went no contact and a lot of our family took her side but some are seeing the light now, finally. Either way, no contact was needed.
Dear Dr. Ramani, This was EXCELLENT!!! Thank you for explaining this. I'm an adult that has had to go no contact with almost my entire toxic family, including my father. No one can understand this journey unless they have had to walk it.
Your sharing your invaluable knowledge is so appreciated.
Thank you again.