What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2021
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The moment the scapegoat of the narcissistic family starts setting healthy boundaries, that is the moment when the scapegoat becomes the blacksheep of the family.... . Harsh reality...
Bah, bah💯
But so accurate sad reality 😞
So true!
Yea I was pointing out shit wasn't right or normal before i hit double digits.
I never walked on eggshells though. Maybe because i rebeled against being scapegoated beside my golden child brother so young, the consequences for defending myself became the norm and part of the cycle.
I had no idea about all this terminology or that it went deeper than just having a shit mum.
But I became the black sheep very early. And it rippled outwards from immediate family through to extended family and into my adult relationships, I definately held onto hope too long, and I think the hope is what kept me speaking up, trying to get them to finally have an "ah ha" moment.
@@LoziPop I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand it must've been hell. Just like you said, I too rebelled from an early age and I was labeled as "difficult". My brother was the golden child here too. Except we were both physically abused a lot, and he became exactly like them, maybe even worse and I became everything they were not.
I just want you to know that you went through hell and you are still fighting, you are an empathetic person with a beautiful heart.
And this in my opinion makes you a warrior. A kind hearted warrior. I hope you have a wonderful life ahead and I wish you all the best. I hope you find the right people for yourself because God knows you deserve it. I don't know you, but I want you to know that I'm rooting for you :)
The scapegoat becomes the cycle breaker - and becomes isolated and lonely
Or….breaks the cycle and clears the slate making room for new beautiful stories.
I break the cycle but I'm not lonely in any way
It does not have to be lonely. You make room for healthier more whole people to enter your life.
@Ginger Klajbor Me too.
I think it's a very lonely time after you go no contact and FINALLY have broken that cycle. So glad I did it but there's a grieving process of what COULD/SHOULD have been but never was or will be. I am finally taking some steps forward and embracing my gifts as an empath ☺❤
As a child I remember telling myself to be kind because I didn't want to make others feel the way my mom made me feel.
❤
I decided not to get married bcuz I assumed . marriage will be like my parents' relationship and not have kids bcuz I believed I was defective and so didn't want to make kids who woikd be miserable and defective.
That makes me sigh and swallow. And having thought, done and try to remain as kind as you are. To me now 35, at times when your sorrow is mentioned/attended.
Do people doubt your sorrow, or intens emotional display when in unforeseen triggering public scenarios? Doesn't necesarily have to be intens, but it's when roads cross
I find it very hard to meet someone halfway, when they don't believe you can cry because they thought of you their hero for never having seen you cry?
It's hard, being judged, those few times you actually show yourself. It's as if 2 world crumble. And for some reason those 2 have to be conpared, and 1 has to be the lesser.
Always grinds my frickin gears😅✌️
So your super power must be, you can & like to Identify with others and will rush to their aid to intercept what may cause them pain, even if you have to deal with it yourself! .........Admirable
In my experience, it only opens one up to more abuse from everyone else in your life.
Yesterday on New Year’s Eve, my mom gathered us all and said “let’s forgive each other for the past mistakes and move on this new year”. I walked away right then and there because I knew her cycle will continue in the same way, but she cheaply wanted forgiveness without even giving an apology.
Well done
That was a real boss move!!! 💝🫶🏆You will feel so much better now.
I love it when narcissists say things like "let's forgive each other", as if both parties have something to apologize for. They'll never own up to their abusive ways.
@@escalatorgoddess2078yup, till this day I don’t think my parents have admitted to doing anything wrong when raising me. My years of therapy says otherwise 😵💫
They deny that they have done anything wrong. Why would she apologize?
My wife was the scapegoat in her family. She's an amazing mom, wife, best friend. She's loving, fiercely loyal to our son and I. She runs a very successful small business and her work ethic is out of this world. Having been around her toxic family and seeing first hand just how sick and twisted the family dynamic is, you couldn't ask for a better human being. I can't even begin to tell you guys how proud I am of her.
That was just wonderful to read!
That’s the type of mom I aspire to be one day
I never had kids. I believe I was just to stressed to carry a child. 62 now, but I've been mom, sister, friend to many. My family is so scary to me. I don't know if they realize how toxic they are, because it's all justified.
Well this was a wonderful start ✨🧡
How sweet
The scapegoat child eventually becomes aware that they have been victimised in their family. They may then notice how this attracted other predatory personalities to them. They may become aware that the root of all of this is because they were taught to have no boundaries in childhood. At this point the scapegoat child may now realise that they need to develop strong boundaries. They need to not be afraid to say "no". They may realise that being alone is better than being disrespected.
What's considered disrespected?
Thank you. Something brought me here and i don't know what it was. Coincidence and fate maybe. I am 39 years old and highly empathic. I have been raised by two highly Narcissistic parents and it haunts me every day. I have my cosmetology license and i am full of fears. So much self-loathing that slows me down from becoming something. That little voice in my head always reminding me of how small i am. Should i seek help? As well as continue to watch these videos? I want to leave this apartment. This home is no longer where the heart is. My cat was put down in July of 2020 and my life ended. I lost my trustworthy love.
My story 😢 cant wait 2 be a mommy
Spot on Narc Survivor!
Amen well said
Yes, I was the scapegoat and bastard in my family. I had things done to me that was truly horrendous. I have been in therapy since I was 22 yrs. I am now 73 yrs old. I got blamed for everything, even my brothers and sister. I never had a drug or alcohol use. I cannot be with a man. I am a well educated woman and a good professional career. My parents turned my siblings against me telling them I was a liar and crazy. I left at 17, and never looked back.
I'm sorry that happened to you Rosana. It's frustrating how people can be so horrible. I can't be in a relationship either. I was the scapegoat and thought my sister the golden child and I were close, only to discover that she made up lies about me to tear me down to our parents and others and realizing that she and my mother are covert narcs. It was such betrayal. 😢 Now I can't trust anyone.
❤❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing, this gives me hope as a 22 y/o woman.
🙏🏻💕
Terrible I’m sorry to hear this. That Sounds like my father
I am an adult scapegoat from an indian family, where the sons are born as Gods and my awareness since childhood, being the blacksheep empath, has helped me to become the survivor and the warrior; having suffered domestic violence (GBV) from my father, constantly protecting my mother, I don't take any BS from anyone including my own family now. It's taken a while to get there and I am now in my fifties, living by my own terms and only see my family when I want to. Healthy boundaries are one of the most important factors I congratulate myself for, best move I ever made.
Oh gosh , thank you for writing hope you do well
Thank you Dr. Ramani I finally found a man who truly loves me and has never given up on me. Scapegoats need to learn to forgive themselves and others.❤ It's about forgiveness.
Same here am an Indian woman
Dont ever call yourself an empath, gives big redflag and abusive vibes
I suffered a lot due to my narcissist mother. She ruined my relationship with everyone. Hated throughout my life for no reason. I always tried to be a good daughter to her. But since I gave up my efforts past couple of years, she literally disowned me
One good thing about being a scapegoat is: YOU LOOSE NOTHING OF VALUE WHEN LOOSING YOUR FAMILY. I don’t miss them not one day.
Ohh yes. . With you girl!
@@toni-leeblair5869 Ditto
True... They have nothing to offer
Not one day!
Seeing other friends’ families, I grieved not having a family (abstract) as a kid, but decided to make my own. I don’t miss the family I’m estranged from. No sorrow, just peace.
My Narc father used to tell me all the time: "when you'll have kids, they will fight you back the exact way you are fighting me"
I used to tell myself quietly "In order for my kids to fight me, I'll first have to treat them the bad way you're treating me".
Ufffff deep
I can so relate to your comment
@@kittykathurricanetexas1634 Hugs.
Damn! I remember narc father saying that to me.
My mom said the same to me. She would point out that when I became a teenager I would no longer love her and be a horrible daughter. By the time I was a teenager I build up so much resentment because I did notthing but try to please her. I wish I was as brave as you at that age. Now I know better
I am blown away how you have just explained all 72 years of my life. My mother was the narcissist and I, as the first born daughter, was the scapegoat. My sister two years younger was the golden child. My life would have been very different if I knew all this earlier.
I have always been sensitive and an empath. I’m really a good person and I knew that, even though I was being told the opposite.
I broke away at age eighteen to live with my father three thousand miles away. I blossomed! I wasn’t being told how stupid and ugly I was. My new family adored me. I went to school, got a job in the beauty industry and I even did some modeling. On visits to see my mother I told her all this but she still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. (“You’re too thin. Don’t think you can always use your looks to make money.” Blah blah) unfortunately, I met a narcissistic boyfriend who did to me the same things my mom did. I used alcohol to cope. I lost jobs, went to therapy that didn’t help, and made a mess of my life.
Long story short, I moved back to the Midwest to get away from that guy and because of the high cost of living in California.
I found my way though. Got a job, met a guy, and got married. (He wasn’t good enough for me according to my mom.) That was when I was 34. We have been married nearly 39 years. Happily! How did I do that!? I was very determined. I had an innate faith in myself.
Sorry I went on so long. Plus there was a lot more to the family dynamic that there is no room here to get into.
It’s just kind of weird hearing someone describe my life! I have been through therapy several times but none of this ever came up.
Thank you!
Are you a narcisist?
My husband and I are both scapegoats of our individual families. It sucks even as an adult because the abuse doesn’t stop. The best you can do is distance yourself if you want peace and happiness.
I never realized how much happened as adults until I moved 800 miles away and cut ties for 5 years.. And as an adult seeing how much siblings were pitted against each other and how that translates to behavior as an adult is awful. It's much healthier away
I'd much rather be a scapegoat....than a golden child, flying monkey or the invisible one!.. At 58, I'm OUT, I'm FREE. They're all stuck there in their own filth!
I looked at all of this when I was around 35 and started to see that as the scapegoat I was really the lucky one of the bunch. I am 65 and just tossed the rest of the family after my 96 year old mother finally died. Yes Finally no more barbed stabs from any of them!!
I have a codep husband who has high covert tendencies and he does not care to learn a bit about all of this so he is stuck as well.
It is really sad to have witnessed it over the years. My sibs are in their 70's and they still are total shitheads. I just tossed the last tie and I am done.
Free at Last of it all.
When I cut contact with the whole family I sent a message to the one sister who I thought was neutral (until she too turned), saying politely they are a bunch of leeches and I'm the only one who has made it on my own while they are stuck and when it all becomes public they will get to feel the disapproval of the whole community.
@@Feribrat99 Congrats Karen....it's a truly wonderful thing!.. Please enjoy your strength and resilience!.💜
My oldest sister was the scapegoat & you described her as an adult to the T. She's fiercely protective of her children, she does alot of volunteer work & has great empathy for everyone in her life. She has been NC with our mother for several years & she's healthier for it. My abuse started in my teenage years, in my 50's now & just realized thru research that our mother has NPD. I'm now NC & the only one still in contact is our youngest brother & also the GC. There is hope thru research & lots of therapy.
AMEN
Told my mom I grew up feeling emotionally invalidated. "That's not true" was her response lol I give up
I feel this and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
That's exactly what my mom used to say.
I've gotten "Oh Stop! That's not true and i'm tired of hearing about it!" when trying to tell them about abusive/unfair family dynamic. Also, as a child "it's all in your head," and "you're imagining things..." The gaslighting and invalidation is endless with these people.
That made me laugh and I get it.
Seems like it's always the most direct, focused, honest, respectfully-spoken comments we make that baffle narcs the most.
I learned young that more than two sentence statements were only going to be picked apart or used as ammunition.
When you're four, and crying because something really bad just happened, the last thing that's on your mind is "I hope someone can make this worse."
Years later, when you're just trying to break even to keep hope and sanity alive, the last thing you're thinking is how inappropriate it was to cry when you were four.
It's like they only process what they can use as a blunt instrument.
Stay Strong, Ramani peeps 💪
One of the gifts I was given from 50 years of narcissistic abuse is my ability to bounce back from anything. I will shine brite leading the way for others to find peace.
Exactly and she did a video on resiliency in children of narcissists. It’s really good.
As the "scapegoat", in adulthood, I cut off all contact with all family members, and being fiercely independent and strong-willed, went on to heal and went on to be successful, content with healthy relationships, but it did take decades!! But, I have arrived!
Pros:
-We are empathetic and anticipate people's moods and needs well
-We are resilient AF
-When we *truly* are in the wrong, we are able to admit it and aren't too prideful
-We value peace
-As adults we can evolve to recognize gaslighting and avoid abusers after having unhealthy relationships.
Oh my gosh.. I said above, I had to go No Contact to find PEACE and Stability. Your so right.
Well said . Thank you 😊
Yes, I learned it with 60! And yeah, I'm happy now, after I finally have learned to love and care for myself. It's never ever too late! 💜🙏💛
@@boomerangsruckflug8513 me too!
Absolutely. Cons: we can never be too sure of ourselves even if we know we’re right
I remembered at the age of 20 I went to my boyfriend’s parents home. I felt that his mom had some reservations about me but he insisted that I spend time w/ his family. I was nervous. His mom asked me help in the kitchen for either dinner or lunch. I remembered turning to put a gallon of milk on the counter but missed and made a spill on the floor. I started shaking and tearing up. I thought that she would scold like my mom. His mom just looked straight at me and said sweetly it was just milk. Nothing to be worried about. At that moment, I realized that I was traumatized by my mother and needed help. His mother became the mom I dreamed about that day. She just knew what I needed without asking. She saved my life.
I am so happy for you. That’s the kind of mother we all deserved.
😢😢❤️
Awe that is soooooo great to hear!!! I love her for being there you! I am momma to many gay children, where their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t understand, I always tell them to keep their hearts open for all the Spiritual moms who are there for you!
Love is grand and rare- glad it reached you and you were ready 🙏🏼
Same my mom in law is so kind loving and understanding for her kids and extends some kindness to me too. Although she is more protective of her son than me but even at her worst she isnt even 1% of my mom lol. IDK whether to cry or laugh at this
Don’t forget the scapegoat can be attacked by not just parents and extended family but also a sibling. I have a twin sister who is a malignant narcissist who used me as the scapegoat. She bullied me relentlessly and my parents believed her she was their golden child. My relationship with my parents was the lost child but my relationship with my evil twin sister was the scapegoat.
Same. Younger sibling narcissist bully who deeply impacted me in a negative way. Just a completely toxic relationship
Wow having that dynamic as twins! I’ve never thought of that, but I’ve always found twins interesting. Hmmm so interesting how being a twin would add so much more nuance to this experience. You’ve had a very unique experience and what you glean from it is perspective only you and very few others have! Share it.
I can so Relate to this, I had to walk away from my twin also,as having her in my life was affecting my mental health and well being too much, plus putting up with the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour and the behaviour of "Come here,go away" routine, gets to you.😏🚩🏃♀️
Same. Mine even made up lies even after I cut ties are moved several states away. I'm glad you distanced yourself. You will be happier!
I was the scapegoat to my Narcissistic sister growing up and bullied both at school by the kids and at home by my sister.. even now at 53 and shes 55.. She still bullies and disrespects me.. she certainly got into alot trouble with mum growing up for one thing or another ... but they still, even now, believe her and minimise her behaviour to my "being over-sensitive" to her terrible verbal insults.. this happens EVERY SINGLE family visit.. not just once or twice a year or when shes annoyed.... its as if she looks forwards to it and plans it.... but now.. Im tired of being kind to her.. So, im cutting her out.. I blamed so many other things.. Failed relationships, women, friends.. and yet.. the problem has been right under my nose all my life.. but im done with her.. and soon.. maybe even my family.. and get a life, while im still fit and able to have ons
I am scapegoat son from an indian family. I went to the top universities and did the best i could for work. But always sold myself short, let others take credit. I earned a decent salary but the leeches wanted to suck my every last drop of blood. I even had a heart attack at 30. My parents wanted me to divorce my wife and take care of them. They wanted to make sure they get the money if i die. My wife and son saved my life. All the lies in the world my criminal parents used could not defeat my son's love for me. They say little children are like god. For me my son is actually that angel that saved me from those devils.
There was an interview with a survivor of the holocaust, he talked about how he got down and prayed one night in the camp. His friend asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm thanking and praising god". And his friend responded "Thanking god? Why in the world are you thanking god? Do you not see all this torture and death. How can you be thanking god for all this?" He then replied "I'm thanking god because I would rather be me than the guards doing all the killing and torturing. I would rather be the one to have humanity, than the one to have lost it". Your experiences don't have to be as extreme as being in the holocaust to see how this truth applies in our lives and our world. Be grateful to still have your humanity, rather than be the among ones who lost theirs.
So well explained!life ..death...good...evil. ..God...satan...boils down to the Biblical explanation of choices...Thats why Jesus came...to set us free..but we are given a choice to go our own way...Narcisstically to evil selfishness!
Or choose what a loving, just God has offered us. Jesus deepest love offering and payment for ALL the heinous ugliness and sins of the world...Himself.
Such a paradox. ..yet not...
If we trust In Him.
...l thank Him for reaching out to me...& using His Word (the Bible) & people like Dr Ramani & her expertise ( thankyou sooo much.💖 ) and Dr Les Carter and Laura..in my lifes journey to a healthier place.
This is so true! 💕
your story is the perfect example of cognizant dissonance; scapegoated individuals have to be alert to NOT buy into that technique.
@Ry Poelk
Thank you.
@@20sandi12 interesting comment
I was the scapegoat child in my family system and I actually do not speak to a single person in my family currently at 48 years of age. They gaslighted me into therapy and the therapist told me, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, get away from those people."
I moved away just so I would not be around them all the time!
Same here🤔
Wow. Has it been better, assuming you took the advice?
You were lucky to get great advice from therapist! At 50 my eyes opened up keeping distance! It's my turn now for health!
@@oppressednolonger1497 absolutely! It was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I have not been more happy in my life.
You've never met me, but you just described my entire childhood. I went no contact with my entire family, and I've never been happier. November is a really hard month for me though, and I really needed to hear all of this, thank you
I was 68 when I finally let go of my two boys and a grandchild. My life was even worse than the Dr described. I'm bipolar, recovering from BPD and am transgender m/f. When I let go I went into the most manic episode I had ever had. I can't take the meds for bipolar, it makes me not want to live. I did not respond to their trying to pull me back in and unfortunately shared thoughts they cherry picked to get a court order to have me brought in for mental heath evaluations. Cops, ambulance, lights all over the place in the middle of the night with a pounding on my door.
When the police came in, I was devastated that my children choose this way to help me. As the reality sunk in what was happening, I thanked God that their act totally wiped away my obsessive love for them.
I am 71 and healing. Don't go back. It's the best way. Good Luck and listen to the Dr. She knows the pain we have endured and that we can heal.
November sucks for me as well. Mother's bday is 16th and mine is 17th.
Congratulations! I also cut my so called family out of my life and it was a breath of fresh air!! Like being reborn!! Happy New Year!!❤
@@JohnDoe-ip2hx
Happy New Year and cheers to the survivors.
Same here
I was the family scapegoat for 23 years. I'm finally getting out in a few months. I'm so happy I can almost taste the freedom. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm getting out of this hell-hole.
They don’t like it when you move away, and stop the abuse.
That's for sure! I eventually had to go no contact and it was the healthiest decision I ever made
Moving away was the BEST thing I ever did I accomplished so much and I was so confused as to why I was finally so happy and when I realized it was because I cut the narc out I was blown away. That was the first time I actually realized what was going on.. I was in my late 20s
@@kriistiina111590 I wish I would have figured that out when I was young. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain. I am really encouraged to hear so many people speaking positively about making that break from so much never ending confusion.
@@shnarklevonbarkle110 I agree hearing other people talk about their experiences helps so much. Wishing everyone here the best
@@kriistiina111590 Exactly: I was 31 when I escaped -- and I stayed with an alcoholic partner for years rather than return to the malign orbit of my covert-narcissist mother. (Before you ask, I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon, which helped me hold myself together and recognize -- and resist -- gaslighting when my qualifier tried to pull that nonsense on me.) I'm currently living with my partner/best friend, a fellow straight-edge who is as dedicated to my well-being and healing as to his own, and have finally found an excellent therapist who is helping me work through the considerable residual damage from my childhood scapegoat role; by some miracle, I've always known that, despite all her hateful lies, I was more than enough, which enabled me to make the break I needed (however late), and my current life and human connections reflect that sense.
“Scapegoats go on to become tremendous parents”! I needed to hear that! Thank you Doc!
Or don't procreate, period!
That makes me happy! I don't have children but I worry I'll be repeating some of the horrible things my family did...
@@TheEmeraldLady that was my fear for such a long time especially when I was pregnant with my first baby. I have three now and I’m so intentional with my parenting. These videos really help.
Only if they wake up in time and don't allow their children to be around the narc "grandma" (or "grandpa"). Narc Grandma will poison your children's minds against you if you don't keep them away from the narc(s). They will suck the soul out of your child and turn them into a failure to make YOU look bad. I know this from experience. I got to endure a covert narc Mommy Dearest all my life only to get sandwiched inbetween a narc daughter now. Thanks to Mommy Dearest and her sneaky covert scheming with my Golden Child brother, who would take my daughter ...presumably to spend the night with his daughter at HIS house, and instead, dump them both off at Mommy Dearest's so she could perform her witchcraft on their minds.
@@reesedaniel5835 totally agree! I have very limited contact with my narc mum and my narc in laws and my kids never spend any time with them alone!! I refuse to let my children be subjected to that! Sorry to hear about your experience 🤗🤗
Scapegoat here! It’s officially 8 years no contact with family. I’m in my 30s and oh boy the level of childhood trauma I’m now beginning to unpack! I have unfortunately attracted many partners with narcissistic tendencies and I am destined to break the cycle.
Same here!
Same here. Don’t even know how I survived all those years.
Same here! I’m the youngest of four and somehow it’s all my fault. The level of delusion is so twisted and tragic. I would have loved to have a loving and supportive family, 12 years no contact, best decision I ever made.
Same here. I just feel bad for my kids not having extended family. But then I remember that family is toxic.
Same !
I am the scapegoat.... My wife pulled me out of this 'family' she saved me from a personal hell. She told me recently "I met you, saw that despite your raising you chose to be an amazing man regardless. I decided you were mine...no matter what it took."
They tore me down for years, I tried. I was four when my bio mom died, the narcissist came to us a year later. I am 44 and now I am beginning to see what my wife sees. My clients, my friends.... They all tell me what a joy I can be to work with or be around. My work is exceptional because I love what I do.... I found my joy again.
One really good thing about being the family scapegoat is that it frees you up to be true to yourself. Once you realize that nothing you do will make them like or love you.
Love this❤...….. I discovered this two years ago and I'm now on my healing journey.
We grow up to be the GOAT.
I have had to repeat “I will never be good enough for her; she will never be satisfied!” to myself so. Many. Times! It is so hard to stop seeking parental approval! I finally stopped, and she keeps trying to “be nice”; but I know if I give her too much information again, she’ll use it against me. It’s over. I’m done playing the game. 😔❤️🩹
When they have persuaded themselves that they really do love you; when they remind you often of how they’ve sacrificed, compromised and fought on your behalf; when - in the heat of an argument - it always shows that really it’s all about them and that they project onto you the negative characteristics they have always manifested themselves; when they berate and belittle you for not being or achieving enough while expecting and demanding that you regularly subordinate your own needs to theirs, however trivial; when they attempt to play you off against your siblings; when they accept no responsibility for any of their failures and selfish choices as a parent but make sure to take all the credit for their children’s successes; when they refuse to acknowledge that their children are adult individuals, insisting instead on referring to you as ‘their children’ though you’re all over 40; when they never apologise without qualification or excuses; when their company feels exhausting, draining, demeaning and yet somehow the urge for intimacy and approval still feels strong; when you know deep down that you’ll never quite measure up and that they seem to compete with you in everything - they’re always better read, higher achieving, better liked, more knowledgeable and informed, smarter, were more attractive than you at their age - and when their love is anything but unconditional; when their standard communication currency is gaslighting, projection, manipulation and bullying…
Yes, finally to feel free of that kind of burden will feel like a new lease on life. I have chosen to remain ‘non-contact’ with my own mother, sad to say. She showed her true colours again over Christmas and I decided to refuse to play the game anymore. It hurts. She’s an old woman and needs support, but she does a great job of driving people away: though she’s been blessed with some wonderfully caring and attentive people doing their best to help her, they’ve all been abused, screamed at, defamed and humiliated on a regular basis, as have we, her children.
No, it’s not dementia or late-stage crankiness on a normal scale. With her mood swings and flights into furious, vengeful rage, she can go from 0-100 in an instant. Her medical condition (bipolar - used to be diagnosed as ‘manic depression with paranoid delusional schizophrenia’) is almost able to be disregarded: while she’s been on antipsychotic medication her entire adult life, happily the treatment has kept her on a more or less even keel for over a decade. One can suffer from depression (everyday or medically diagnosed and prescribed for) and not act like a narcissistic tyrant; by the same token, managing depression in no way disqualifies one from the entitlement to righteous anger and indignation nor to feeling a bit blue now and then like any other human being.
The incredibly destructive egocentrism of a narcissistic parent can be devastating. Paired with the guilt felt by a sibling who witnessed and survived the death of his younger brother in an RTA, factored in with a boarding school education that exacerbated a problem with bedwetting, with being bullied at school then criticised and neglected at home and a father too overburdened with parenting responsibilities as well as the demands of his career to be in a position to offer any support other than the financial sort, our mother’s warped understanding of parenting and failure to offer the consistency, stability and love that define the role of parent has eventuated in a middle-aged son who’s been struggling since early childhood just to keep his head above water emotionally and psychologically. Ironic, how she proudly claims to have ‘brought up’ five children, when what she’s always been best at is bringing us down.
Truth.
Just leave them all alone, permanently, they never change. There are no death bed confessions, they die in their roles.
They blame in their last breath and then in the will
Y'all are sooo right
Well... Not in my family. My siblings are growing and my parents grew. Some are in therapy, some read, some have significant others who help them see with humor. We can grow so can they. But only each of us can figure our if it's worth the potential pain of finding out. Plus nobody completely turns around all their baggage instantly. But then even allowing the possibility that they aren't always perfect is enough in my family
@@youtubingbabs I’m glad that was your situation. If your parents sought help they probably weren’t true Narcissist, maybe Narcissistic tendencies like we all have, with clearly poor patience and communication skills. You all getting well, you all finding comfort in eachother is beautiful and rare indeed.
Damn ...you right.
I have to say that I am a great bully slayer. You develop this inner strength by the empathy and when you witness bullying, you are able to actually make the bully back down- and that’s really hard to do.
I was scapegoat and moved out of home at 17. My siblings told me I was still getting the blame for things years later. Now I am looking after my parents as they are old. Like I am better than they showed me to be.
Being the scapegoat formed me into a target in my adulthood. I went from being bullied at home, to bullied at school, and then bullied in the workplace. While I know now what I went through wasn't my fault, the anger and rage from the injustice of it all still reigns supreme.
I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through. It’s not your fault and you deserve to heal and to have happiness. I would recommend to My clients to consider writing a letter to everyone who has hurt you, and if you don’t feel comfortable presenting it to them, that’s okay, as it will serve as an outlet. You can reflect on the letters, grieve over them until you no longer feel triggered by those thoughts, memories, and emotions, and then rip it up into tiny pieces, and maybe bury it for closure. It can also serve as a catharsis to help you cry it all out, for as much as you need to, and then you can maybe consider doing some Deep Breathing and Positive Self-Talk to remind your Inner Child that you are not the blame, and you did nothing wrong. Please consider that crying is like detoxing all of the negative emotions from your body, just as we have to clean out toxic food waste, via elimination, as long as we don’t cry ourselves into a deep hole of despair, where it’s hard to find a way out. Therefore, I would consider researching Deep Breathing and Positive Self-talk or other Coping Skills (Comedy shows may help also), to have a plan in place to help you with the negative thought-stopping, before even writing and processing the letter(s). Be well and be blessed.
8 Ways to Start Healing Your Inner Child
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/inner-child-healing#acknowledge
Some people have a way of recreating childhood dynamics always in their lives, regardless of the setting or characters, if they don't unpack, sort, and heal their childhood trauma. It's not necessarily a conscious choice to be a victim, it's just a phenomenon that happens when people don't sort through it all.
@@EMILYHERRERA Sounds like victim blaming to me.
Holy crap, the same has happened to me. It's like being cursed for life.
Exactly what happened to me. Still people take me granted a lot coz I laugh a lot and try to humor people by talking a lot and a little stammer
When the scapegoat grows up---watch out!! The entire family will fall apart. Our role as scapegoat, is keeping the peace and holding the dysfunctional family together, however once we have said enough, the whole house of cards falls down...in my experience it did when I walked away---BEST DECISION EVER!!!
hey nice to hear and do you control and repeat your parents tendencies on other people ?
It is horrifying (yet at the same time somewhat comforting) to know others have had this same experience. 100% the best decision ever was to walk away and leave them to their evil ways. We can now become the people we were always m meant to be
I tried to make things work with my family!!! I am a slow learner!
Wow so true!!!
Scepitalbynsature . . . Halleluya , and chicken A
You are spot on about the power of being a parent and stopping the cycle of abuse. It is strong. And I ain't ashamed to say I have a counselor. I'm 47 years old and I am still growing in to who I am as a man. That is what it is all about.
Thank you Nathan for having the courage and strength to be an overcomer. Blessing to you and to your children in Jesus name!
I always felt like my family bullied me. Being the victim of bullying has made me very compassionate & stoic. I am very thankful for this experience. Good things make us happy, but bad things make us strong.
“A rich fantasy life around how they hoped to be treated.” Maladaptive daydreaming. *Raises hand *
I don't know that it was maladaptive. In my imagination, I was loved and protected. When you are a child and can't escape, I think it's very beneficial to imagine a world where things are as they should be.
I definitely did that! I went, in my mind, to a safe place.
I used my fantasy world to be a writer. Escaped to a character in a book.
Hopefully Dr. Ramani can do a video on this and how it relates to narcissistic abuse. I also had and still have this as a way to cope.
When it becomes maladaptive is when it blurrs the lines between fantasy and reality.
"Those who were scapegoated are brimming with light." 😭😭😭 Thank you!
Me. Nicko m, NZ
Omg SAME!!- THANK U SO MUCH FOR THIS...
Yep!!💯💖
💯
My abusive mother used to say "you glow". Evil evil evil woman she is
I became so determined to be loving to everyone in my abusive family ; looking back I thought I could change them. I have let a lot of people walk all over me. Now I isolate because I don’t trust most people to treat me well.
I made the same choice and it has both good and bad results. I think it had it’s day and that a part of the former scapegoat child’s path is to go back and recognize our coping techniques, honor what good they did and assess if they still work. I have found my self isolating as causing new problems but the causes of need for it must then be addressed before eliminate it. Am still working on those. I ran across a comment about putting others first, very first before your needs was abandoning yourself. So I am trying to make judgment calls before I move on doing for others as to whether it would be abandoning myself first. I think too, at least for me, that I thought I could love them in. That proved sadly to be a false hope. I hope some of this give you hope. Your comment gave me hope because it reminded me, we are not alone. There are quite a few of us working our way out of the hard start of being an scapegoat child. I wish you every blessing to light your way. ❤
Same 🤍
I’ve gone no contact with my Dad since June 2023 and it’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself. I was the one getting picked on by him growing up and he was an enabler of abuse by my elder brother, physically assaulting me. All because I chose a different life and the pursuit of entrepreneurship in a family of academics. Growing up was hell because I supported my mum after their divorce when I was 8. A lot to unpack but I’m grateful I made that decision. My goal is to be a better parent than he ever was
At least the scapegoat knows they were abused. I think the golden child is unaware how abused they are through manipulation by the narc. Scapegoats grow up to be badass warriros!
💯💯💯
Do we what !!
Not always. Scapegoats can grow up to be even worse than their parents. I know someone who really works it and plays the victim. And yet through getting people to pity her, she lives larger than anyone else she knows. She can out manipulate some of the best manipulators.
WARRIOR INDEED!
@@LS-up7qv maybe that person was scapegoated as a child and transformed into a narc herself.
As a scapegoat I don’t trust people but I also want to be accepted.
Same!
Same :/
I feel this
I felt that ❤
Same
I am the youngest of the family. My mother raised 4 of us on her own and she and my siblings were constantly mad at me. I grew-up being referred to as a'retard' everyday. I was surrounded by violence everyday and couldn't learn easily. I'm 64 and the two remaining family members both very i'll. Still HATE me to the core of my soul and I don't know why... I found a wonderful therapist named Shirley Turcotte here in Vancouver BC. She helped me put my shattered soul back together. Maybe they hated me because I was in "Special Education' because of being dyslexic? Thank you for always being here.
I’m happy and proud of you for finding a way to heal from your trauma. Being called a retard everyday that took me back hard. The neighborhood doesn’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times my “mom” has called me that.
There is no real why, because it was them who had a problem, not you. You were not to blame. Xx
I was the scapegoat and the helper until I was 27 and cut the contact to the narcissist parent, which was the only parent. This video, like many of the videos on here, is like hearing my life story told by a doctor whom I don't know. Sometimes isn't very triggering, and sometimes I feel very lucky that I found this channel.
I was manipulated by the time I was born and it took a huge step...to turn my back on everything I learned growing up...and give the therapist a chance. Hear them out and trying to review the things they told me. And it was like a puzzle with 5000pieces...falling into place all at once. It was so intense. I am so very lucky I survived my childhood. I was being traumatised in many ways, not only by the day to day drama. There were many things happening that should have put my parent behind bars. But they kept isolating me and my siblings so much. And by the time we were 12, we were so used to not being allowed to tell anyone anything. We wouldn't speak at all. I didn't know how to make friends, and still don't. I have not one friend, that invests as much love and energy in the friendship, as I do. No matter how bad I am doing, I am reaching out to people every day. But they do not answer more than twice a week or so. I often think, I must be too much for them. I don't know.
I cut contact to my twin sibling, and one cut the contact with me. It's been 3 years and I don't know why. But it must have to do with my twin. Who is a narcissist as well, as I found out 2 years ago. But didn't fully realise until yesterday, that they already were through my entire childhood.
I have a stepsister who is older and with whom I am very good friends. We have 600km between us and she has 2 beautiful kids. They love me very much, even though I am hardly able to visite. The three of them are everything I got.
My twin got two kids as well...I am so sorry for them, cos I know what they are going through and will continue to go through. It breaks my heart and I try to help their partner as much as I can. Now that my twin separated from the partner in a state of insanity. I hope they will come to and realise the damage they've done, but I think.... it's all a narcissistic game to them.
On a brighter note: I am good, I am mostly out of that hell and this is something not everyone gets to achieve. My empathy is very high and of the charts sometimes. My adapting to prevent chaos and wrath during childhood, makes me stand out in every job. But mostly in a bad way. But is also is nice. I learn very fast and work independent within hours of starting somewhere. It had it's perks
I knew I was the Scapegoat in childhood. What I did not understand was this extended into adulthood and the siblings are used as proxy abusers. I didnt realize that the lying and smear campaign had gone on for decades. I woke up to it after a family mobbing that included violence. I cut them all out over 2 years ago and shocked the hell out of them. Learning about this dynamic has helped me realize it was them and not me. I give them a gift. I handed back all that bs to them to keep. I am no longer the receptacle for their garbage.
I was told by one of my sisters, I'm afraid we'll never see you after the funeral... I replied ...why should I stick around to be smeared and talked (lies) about behind my back. Now, I'm finally free from the toxicity of this dysfunctional family of mine.
Well said! Overstood.
Unfortunately, I too have anyways been the scapegoat. In childhood to adulthood. It's b.s.
I love the power in your comment, I sense a beautiful strength! So glad to see you feel so strong and powerful! I wish you all the best Leslie, you absolutely deserve it my friend :)
You'd think after childhood it would end that would be it but it's not you're still blame for their actions an mistakes an short comings etc as though you're in control of their actions
Omg yes. Spot the f on
This makes me want to hug my llittle boy self inner child.
Same.... I keep a old Kodak photo of myself in my kitchen, so I can love that beautiful little 10 year Old girl, every day!
By all means do that, The photographs are a great idea, I love the old ones of me, I was fresh and new and now I am getting there again. Never to late to love your fetch, that little lizard brain self in all of us.
I can’t look at my childhood pictures because my heart breaks for that little girl
You should its a technique i also learned from my therapist. 🙏🏾✨
Yes and do that for yourself, it's very needed and a healthy thing to do, i do it more and more and also i rock myself before i fall asleep. Big hugs to you from me ❤
I was a scapegoat to my still unaware narcissistic father and it has led me a long life battling self acceptance issues and clinical depression up to today at the age of 42
I was the scapegoat in my family. The very minute i began kindergarten, I loved being at school. Every teacher was absolutely wonderful to me. Of course, i chose teaching as my lifelong vocation. Becoming that kind and empathetic teacher to every child in my early childhood classes for the past 52 years was very healing. I loved being a Mom and now a grandmother and feel very blessed.
Your videos are so very valuable, Dr. Romani. You share so much light and wisdom. Thank you!!
I was a scapegoat and now I teach children with learning difficulties. Maybe my empathy is why I am so good at it?
Bless u
Aren't you kind! A neighbour's son, same age as mine does this also, he was always a brain and sweet, my son also and is a nurse! Their parents may have been able to instill the incentive to be kind, it just feels better!
I became vegan and started speaking up for the animals
The world needs more people like you ❣️
Wow 👍🏼✌🏼🙏🏻🕉️
The worse thing is to get out of the family and living in the outside world and STILL encountering the same abusive people. That is a true prison.
Yeah this is why i stay away from ppl
I'm trying to reframe it more positively by viewing it as a monastery, or a tropical getaway. I work in my garden, and I have a boat I can take out and disappear into a deserted key. Isolation can be horrific, but I started meditating, and found that really helped me to let go of all that negativity.
I believe showing narcisistic tendencies is a default behavior of many people. It is common to see little children lying and manipulating their parents to do what they want, not go to school, not do their homework etc etc. If these children are not corrected by their parents they will continue to use this behavior with whoever allows them to.
They will be everywhere, you are the one who has to establish boundaries.
@@Erehtolleh1 Most people never grow up emotionally. Thus they are the narcissists we encounter so often.
It doesn’t end in childhood, it 100% continues into adulthood
I have been the scapegoat for decades and then my siblings started to teach their children to scapegoat me too. I walked away from that toxic family unit and went no contact...and have since had the ability to embrace my authentic self because I walked away. I am surrounding myself with beautiful friends who are the family I never had. I live a peaceful and loving life now-walking away was the best thing I could have ever done.
My empathy has always been the draw for all narcissists. The thing that narcissists lack that most scapegoats have in spades-that is why they want to crush us. Being a truthteller just pushes them over the edge.
When you realize you're the scapegoat, it's sometimes just too late, with too much damage.
Yep she would always say "When you grow up and have kids of your own you'll understand."
I understand everything she did was wrong and will never do those things to my daughter ever. Not a single day.
My mother used to say that, too. Now I see it was a weird thing to say to a kid.
I hope the way I write this makes sense, Aloy...
But, your refusal to deny the truth made her words true, and truer than she ever could. Simply stated, your mom failed you, but you passed her rigged exam.
I have to admire that.
Stay Strong 💪
My mother said those things too. I have never treated my son the way she did me.
I credit my mother with teaching me everything I needed to know NOT to do as a parent. There were times muddling through parenting when I literally took a breath and thought, "What would mum do?" then, "What is the opposite of that?" Funnily enough it worked every time! I will NEVER understand how or why she was such an abusive B. I couldn't treat anyone the way she treated me...ironically, not even her!
Both my parents said this too.
“I can’t wait until you have kids and then they treat you mean”
“When you have kids and they put you through hell you’ll see”
“You’ll understand once you have kids”
Joke was on them because I don’t even want kids LMFAO
I was the scapegoat as a child. At some point I realized that no matter what I did, I would be considered the bad guy. So I left my family, haven't seen or talked to them for over 5 years. Best choice I ever made
Amen. I haven’t spoken to my dad in like three years and it’s finally shown me peace. I love your photo of Medusa-just like scapegoats, she’s gotten an undeserved reputation. But she knows how to protect herself from people who do her wrong. (Patron Saint of grey rock?)
I just recently deleted my email account. Their emails to me were so toxic, I was having a hard time functioning at all. They have this ability to immobilize or incapacitate me for weeks at a time. I already live over 3000 miles away from them, but I'm terrified that they're going to show up on my front door step one of these days. I'm already making plans to leave my home. I have a boat I can stay on. I can't take a chance on them finding me.
Same. Be great without them. Aroha from New Zealand.
I went no contact now for 15 yrs and it’s the best decision I ever made. You will heal and grow further from here, no more abuse to ruin your dreams. I went back to my family once 27 yrs ago after they convinced me that our family needs forgiveness and a new start. I then realized they never changed their behavior and still used the same tactics to abuse me once they lured me back. If a family member reaches out to you for atonement and reconciliation, run! They lie and manipulate with guilt trips, zebras never change their stripes. You are worth living your best life now without them. Never take them back.
@@sewitseams5632 Great advice!!
My brain is swirling. I really didn't want to cry on Christmas day. I'm grateful to have finally watched this however, Thank You. 5 more months and I'm out, no contact.....Pray for me to make it please.
I cried the pain so sore, but knowing I’m not alone , reading other peoples comments, and understanding it gives me hope .
Thank you 🙏
I was the scapegoat and it took me 45 years to learn that fact. After my parents died from cancer I escaped my toxic siblings. I feel robbed but healthier and free. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
We were robbed. Robbed of our true selves. It's sickening
It took me 50 years to learn my abusive family .I am angry at myself for not being aware of my family,Dr Ramani is amazing
@@bereal6590 Big Time - The Truth
I sure understand what you’re saying. It was when my parents aged that I really began to see the truth of our family dynamics. My sister is the narcissist and I was her scapegoat. I do not understand why or how my parents allowed the situations that occurred. Perhaps they were also victims of a sort to my sister. And robbed describes how I have felt as well. All family ties are gone, including our extended family. But I’m no longer her source of supply. I do wonder who is in that role now and how long they endure her.
@@evathomas9730 🙏 thank you. It’s as though we know each other. My sister is the weapon of destruction on my end as well. All the friends I chose were replicas of my sister too.😓she raised my youngest sibling so I’ve heard all my life how I’m nothing like my sisters. (Thank the Lord)..Blessings to you, Eva. God bless you. With knowledge and spirituality, Dr. Ramani - we will recover.
My narcissistic parents, brother & sister scapegoated me until the age of 58, when after much therapy & meds, I went no contact with them. Best decision ever made! They're small people with too many issues. I'm not going to let them ruin my life any more!
God is my Rock.
Thank you for sharing! I too am 58y.o I have done so much spiritual, emotional, & psychological work - for decades. Recently, I said NO MORE to all of them. No contact is so incredibly freeing. I've done the work. I get to continue living without being thrown on a landmine everytime something comes up with my elderly Mom. I really didn't think this could happen for me. Ever. And whattya know the fruits of a lifetime of label are blossoming. I. Am. Free.
My husband went no contact 2.5 years ago with his mother, and his brothers cut contact with him when they couldn't guilt trip him and convince him it was all a misunderstanding but his fault. He got the strenght to do this after her lies and manipulation had consequences for our babies. About 2 months ago, he was doubting himself because our kids asked about his family but after like a month he figured it out and we are still free. Don't know how they will react when they find out we're having another baby....
@@cindy3218 YAY❣
My sister couldn't manipulate me and got so angry she went no contact! Best thing ever I am 50! Not grovelling not ever! Not keeping the peace for the sake of family!
I was 58 too before I had enough of the scapegoating from the two siblings and both parents as well as basically everyone I encountered. My siblings husbands were narcissistic and scapegoated me too. The only thing a scapegoat regrets is not leaving earlier in life than they did.
The best piece of advice I ever received from a therapist was to go NC. I would always try to keep everyone happy and that’s NOT OUR JOB. Been NC for four years and although hard to not have any family to fall back on, it’s a true relief. Anyone who crosses boundaries because I care, my bs Meter is INSANE. Thanks for this girl ❤
I relate to so much of this (and the truth teller part), but my situation is a little different/highly specific, and it hurts to be so alone with all the pain and frustration and fear and with nobody actually wanting to listen and understand. But this channel actually makes me feel seen lmao
Former scapegoat, now e-scapegoat
E-scape artist
Good one, I am stealing that line.
Love it👏🏼 Aspiring to be an escape goat!
@@anag8010 I´m rooting for you :) Stay strong and remove the toxic people from your life as soon as you can
OMG! This is great! I love your point of view 😂👌❤️
My trauma psychiatrist wanted to meet my Mom. He brought her into 3 sessions and saw first hand how she had no empathy or compassion and was a bully. My Dr told me to go no contact with her. He was the first person to ever validate me and what I went through in my life. He schooled my narc mother and it was life changing. It’s been 8 years this month of no contact with my mother. She has done a smear campaign on me to my family and friends and has gotten worse as she ages. Being a scapegoat even in my 50’s is difficult, lonely and sad. You never feel worthy of love or acceptance.
Thank you for all your videos Dr R
Indeed! My narc mom does the smear campaign and has turned my children against me! And she’s definitely worse with age! I will be so glad when she’s gone. It’s so exhausting!
@@Kim-Berly200my mother died last week.. it’s freeing, a huge relief for me. Sounds mean and callous but I’m so much better off.
That shrink was worth every cent.
You had luck with your therapist. Believe me.
The most think an older people abuse.
Mine did the same thing all the way till her dying breath. Even after I gave her money and food after my step dad passed. She called me and asked for help. Then after I left and went back home (9 hrs drive) she told everyone I stole from her after step dad died.
Brought up in a family of narcissists. Narcissistic father and 2 elder siblings and a psychiatric mother. It took me almost 30 years to realise that i have been suffering from emotional abuse all my life. Been scapegoated all my life. I have lost myself , my self worth, self esteem and confidence. I have always felt like I am a nobody. My narc father forced me to study hard and pushed me to extreme.. though I am the topper in every exams I attend, I lack real confidence than an average student. And I happened to be a medical doctor, the profession where self confidence is of prime importance. I m still in the initial stages of healing
They cannot stand to see you happy or proud of anything, they have to crush you when they feel your getting too big for your boots.
I was so confused because my family hated me. I was a horrible person in their eyes but everyone outside of our family loved me. Told me how nice, smart, and joyous it was to be my friend. Then I go home and I’m called crazy, depressed, shit starter. In constant trouble for things I did not do or say, argumentative. I would have panic and anxiety attacks. As soon as I went to school, or somewhere they were not everyone loves me.
Oh yes! And they notice and say things like: "When you're with other people all of the sudden you can be nice! If they knew how you act at home, they would be very surprised. Look at you playing this friendly role with that fake friendly voice. One day they will see your true colours!" Meanwhile THEY are the ones acting totally different around other people. Messed up.
Holy... YES!!! THIS "I dont know how you have any friends. If only they knew the real you" 🤢🤮
The “wait til your husband finds you out” from my mother. They gaslight you into believing you’re mentally ill and will never be good enough anywhere to anyone. So you start to doubt the love you receive from others because you are confused about whose report to believe. As crazy as it sounds to people around me, whenever I hear someone say “you’re a good person” I am taken back.
Same
I've been there. Only child with 2 narco parents. Loved at summer camps and college. Hated at home.
The scapegoat escapes to reality.
Being the scapegoat can result in you feeling like your contributions are unwanted.
“The right therapist” like finding your soul mate
The smear campaigns got so much worse when I was an adult. Also, my children proved to be viewed as nothing but extensions of me.
Me too, it’s not easy seeing my children rejected by my parents. M
@@joanneseeit2957 Absolutely! Unfortunately there is almost a 100% guarantee that your role as a scapegoat will have a negative affect on your child by the means of the Narc. 😰😰😰 It offend manifest in one of two ways. One…..The family will transfer the so called nasty attributes that your family has assigned to you onto your child……And or they will use your child by love bombing them to get back at you. 😰😰😰 The good news is once you are aware of the potential for this horrific circumstance, you can either set firm boundaries to prevent this or simply cut all ties with the specific family members that partake in these narcissistic behaviors and rituals. 🙏🏼❤️💪🏽✌🏽
Same @Barbara. My daughter is extended of me . She 24 and just had my first grandbaby. I've had to explain narcissistic behavior to her. She now understands and sets boundaries with her grandparent
Yes! I am no contract with my narc father but never interfered with my daughter's relationship with him and his wife. She is now 14 and barely sees him because in her words, "he treats me as if all he can see is you Mom." It's so sad, but she has realized the truth on her own.
Yes, girl. The smear campaigns got so much worse to the point where people wanna hurt & kill me. Waking up taught & showed how abused I had been. This was some dark shit to go through that all stemmed from childhood. I have a child now & the father’s family was the epitome of me dealing with narcissists. God was like okay NOW it’s time to wake up. I had no boundaries & got used the fuck up so bad, smh. I’m glad I did the work as far as healing, but there’s still much to be done.
I was the scapegoat child and truth teller. I started therapy while trying to escape a sociopath. I have gone no contact with my family of origin several years which has been the most liberating for me. I’m no contact with my ex as well. This enabled me to work on myself and keep my circle narcissist free. I wish peace for all the scapegoated children out there. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I was the truth teller too. May God bless you ❤🙏
💗
Must been hard, sorry for that:( but congrats, you’re really strong 💗
@Selina Ikoni I don’t believe that we owe anyone an explanation. They have not walked in our shoes. We are the only ones who know what’s best for us.
@@vemo916 👏🏻so true, one must keep reminding oneself "we don't owe anyone an explanation". And that is a foundation block of our boundary. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
I went no contact, healed and went back with superpowers and embarrassed them with their weaknesses when they tried to project, gaslight or rage at me. I was a walking threat to them. Scapegoat needs to find their true identity, heal, learn assertiveness and should know that they have always been enough and are super glue to the family. I am so loving to those who deserve it and venom to those who don't!!!
I walked the path of the scapegoat, I am 65 my mom passed last year and lashed out at me on her death bed giving full opportunity to my siblings to stir me strong. I forgive them and stir clear bearing my dream of ever being a normal family that is loving and kind.I went back to school at age 52 at my masters even with my disability have fibromyalgia and now I run a tiny nonprofit organization called KIDZ HEALING ARTZ it’s a free eight week program to help children and their families through the death of loved ones. Most days I do well but some days are still dark. I love the doctors line that spoke about the bright light coming through the pain that will be my positive take away from this video. Thank you, Dr.
I was trained to have no feelings even when I was being hurt, ignored, disrespected. And yet! I was somehow expected to go out in to the world and be assertive and confident! That didn't happen of course. I have had to try five times as hard as anybody else just to be average.
Me too. I couldn't have said it better.
OMG... so true
Well said!
Same
@MadamCh0let
I feel ya. I think I went through something similar. But we should be proud of ourselves just for trying. For not giving up.
“The wound is where the light enters you”. I love that!
It’s a derivation of a famous lovely quote
I had to rewind to make sure I got it. My entire body shivered and tingled at hearing it.
There's a quote and I don't know who made it about broken windows and that the cracks are how the light gets in. There's also an Asian philosophy called wabi Sabi, which is an Outlook basically where you accept that nothing is perfect and everything is temporary and everything is in a transitional state it's sort of like a fancy way of being present and mindful
@@ElizabethSanto22 yes that’s right…the famous lovely quote by Leonard Cohen
I can see how it makes sense. I always get very upset when I see someone else being put down, and feel obliged to step in and defend them. Unfortunately, I also know all too well that wounds are where infection enters and festers as well. Being gaslighted over an extended period of time allowed a lot of darkness to enter into my psyche. It's quite difficult to navigate out of darkness when you can't see where you're going.
One day I had enough. I left my birth family behind and never looked back. I am married to a wonderful, kind man who believes in me. It has not been an easy journey, but I have retired from 45 years in nursing. I can still hear my dad saying "You are not tough enough to be a nurse." My birth family treated me like I was a joke or a "brat". I had no self worth at all. I am not an old woman and I still struggle with self worth.
Thank you much for sharing! I'm a CMA in nursing school and about to graduate from my PN program in May! I finally walked away and I began to flourish!! You are amazing!! Nurses are AWESOME!! Much love and big hugs!!
One of my most favorite videos of Dr. RAMANI. Im a 42 yrs old woman with a loving husband and kids and i had no idea what was wrong with me till it triggered with my immediate family that i was thier scapegoat . Two yrs back i stood up against them and put boundaries in place. It was very difficult for 2 yrs but now i havent been happier. Im finally meeting myself now. THANK YOU DR. RAMANI ❤️🙏I LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO ATLEAST ONCE A MONTH NOW. I THROW THIER WEAKNESSES ON THIER FACES WITH CONFIDENCE WHEN THEY TRY TO SCAPEGOAT ME, I WAS THE WEAKEST, NOW IM THE HEATHIEST, WITH MY OWN IDENTITY 😍
The greatest talent of the covert narcissist is how they manipulate you into believing they are victims... you should feel sorry for them while all the time they are abusing and using you.
On another page, by a different therapist, of comments about a UA-cam video about narcissists and CPTSDs - I read a post from a self professed narcissist. Nobody had replied to them! It struck me that we were all a bit nervous around the narcissist. I wanted to reply - but I rationalised that a thumbs up would be enough. The thing is, afterwards, what struck me is how inexorably excruciating it must be to be a self aware narcissist. Can you imagine knowing that you have an irresistible urge to use people, that it stems from earlier psychological damage and you can't stop yourself, but wanting to warn potential victims?! Wanting some communal feeling, support and understanding.. Being completely alone because you're trying to do the right thing... Very troubling.
I think I feel a little sorry for narcissists even though I know they would never feel sorry for me.
Exactly what my narcissistic mother did me. This talent is called passive aggressiveness. That is her superpower.
The roughest bit is hearing your own stories come from them. Telling you you do to them what they do to you, feeling insane about it. Wild.
I was nine months pregnant, when my MIL scolded me for telling her she might make her daughter uncomfortable by packing two pieces of brrad, to go to a barbecue her daughter was having and she wasn't invited to. Not on purpose, her daughter just didn't think of it.
True ,true😮
I was the scapegoat and truth teller in my family. I went no contact last year which probably saved my life in more ways than one. My only regret- I wish I went no contact sooner. I spent much of my adulthood depressed and chronically ill while dealing with family narc abuse. But I am blessed to say, I'm now free of them.
Thank you for this comment. I went no contact also, 47 years ago, I always wondered if I did the right thing.
I also regret not leaving sooner, but we left in the end! Now it's time to put our own happiness and well-being first.
@hisgraceislove. I suffered as a child and as an adult I was hopeful I would have a better life for me and my child. My unaffectionate uninvolved husband contributed to even more depression and now must go be on my own at age 52. I have nothing more to give after he has moved me too many times to follow his dreams with career promotions, hobbies, schooling, incessant tv and movie 🍿 with no real quality time with his sideline wife. I worked, I also educated myself, but stayed way too long. So sad I wasted my life for my daughter to have suffered from this dysfunction. Why can people just not love and grow together? He never wanted to accept that Jesus is the way. He denies God. He is his own god. I died long ago waiting and praying. Time to move on since I’ve lost way too much.
Good for you ❤ I feel the same. Wish I realized sooner... But hey, here we are, alive and free 🥰
I'm 54 and am just beginning to unravel a lifetime of abuse. Indeed I was the scapegoat. Today I am estranged. Thank goodness I'm now beginning to be able to start putting what happened to me into words.I also have your book here. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
Boy, did this hit home. I didn't fully identify until the part of "go no contact", then it all clicked together. 70 yrs old and just now figuring it all out.🤔
When the scapegoat finds them self. They will seperate from their family and thrive while watching their family fall apart. At times the scapegoat may want to return the family; but when they think of the peace they have they never return back and live a great life.
I see them every half a year now. Enough time to forget how bad it is actually going back.
Just wish there was a fast way to heal really. It’s annoying to having to spend your time healing instead of living.
I literally have this same thought every day. Too much time has already been stolen... I want the healing fast-track please!
Have you tried EMDR therapy for trauma? It helped me a lot with my PTSD. That's what most of us probably have.
So true!
It’s like starting a race in a hole.
SO true!
Truth-teller, scapegoat, INFJ...never had a chance. Treatment resistant MMD, anxiety, chronic self-doubt, self-blame, self-esteem, NEVER forgiven for anything, not good enough...you nailed it. Started at age 10 and I'm 63 now. Can't wait for my last day on this earth.
I can relate to your comment so much, yep it getting harder and harder being on this earth , my only happiness is my son
53, tired af feeling bad, can`t wait to the day I get peace.
I hope you find happiness from within. 💕
@@lauracortiva I have found my peace, but it took a lifetime.
I was the scapegoat and the one who realized what was going on. And I called out mom's hypocrisy every chance I got. And being smarter than she is probably got me into even more trouble. But my younger sister was the golden child and also my younger brother to a lesser extent. And I don't associate with any of them today. I'm 52 now. My brother did invite me to Christmas dinner at his house again. But he's only ever just told me to get over how I was treated like it was no big deal. Because otherwise he'd have to face his part in the role he played in that caustic dynamic created by my mother. She, meanwhile, tells everyone in the family to this day that it's my fault we don't communicate. And most of them just go along with it. But I have a family. It's my chosen family.
I was used as an emotional punching bag. 😓😢😭😩
A lot of suffering…
Same here... and it's ongoing... cant get out at moment. 😢
@@bereal6590 just go grey rock. That’s how I’ve survived till you get out. Going grey rock is a term used by Dr. Ramani - it means zero emotion. Not happy not sad. Keep 100% of your thoughts & emotions to yourself. Like a robot. That’s how I broke free. I did this instinctively for 3 years. My family was furious at first because I no longer was a source of their narcissistic supply. By not giving them any information about my life, they could not use it against me, to criticize me. My answers to questions became monosyllabic. Yes / no / I’m not sure / I don’t know.
If they asked me - What did you do today ? I would respond:
Not much, same old same old.
Oh just the usual stuff. Oh just chores you know. Make it as uninteresting & boring as possible. Be a Grey rock 🪨.
Become a Robot 🤖.
It’s just for now !!! It’s just to survive. There will be uncomfortable moments. Don’t take ANYTHING personal !!! Zero. It’s not about you. They do this with everyone. Narcissists don’t respect ANYONE. Remember the QTIP: quit taking it personally. Look for good friends to give you emotional support. This is how I broke free from my narcissistic family. They no longer hound me as much. They try. But I don’t give an inch. I only allow good people in my life.
I hope this helps a little bit!
@@bereal6590 you may not for some reason be able to get out right now.
However the fact that you now know what's it all about will help you to get out when that day comes
In the meantime learn as much as you can about narcissism
Good luck 🤞
Same here. At almost 40, I’m trying to become 20 again and pick up where I left off.
I’m so sorry for your suffering. People can be heartless and cruel. I completely relate I have suffered terribly. I would rather be alone than be around insensitive childish adults
Hello fellow scapegoats!
It’s good to know we are not alone in our experiences, isn’t it?
Yes
Thank you Jesus Christ, "Yeshua Messiah," for modern day technology. We can now communicate and reach out to others, but also to be re assured that we are not Alone.. We can now educate ourselves, and empathize with others, and by sharing with eachother. Hearing others share, like a support group, can teach us new ways and ideas of how to deal with similar problems now in life. What's worked for others, will probably work for us or at least learn which mistakes they have made as well, so maybe we can avoid those same problems as well.
Thank all of you for your postings or making a comment...
It really is. Living as a scapegoat as a child is very isolating. Even now, my elderly parents still scapegoat me so often, but I know better now.
Yup
you are not alone xo
This is my 1st time listening to your video! WOW!!!! You hit the Nail on the Head! I never knew I was the Scapegoat of the Family, until this last year when I started to Search why I felt so different and unwanted by my Family. I started searching what Narcissistic Behavior was and was SHOCKED to hear that was my Upbring! I got Blamed for EVERYTHING when things went wrong and even as a Adult, I still get blamed!! 😢. I have suffered ALL my Life with Mental Illness (Major Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar and Schizophrenia). I always thought why am I ALWAYS being Abused (Emotional Mental Spiritual Physical). Doing this Soul Searching, is helping me come to Terms of my Past that I was Neglected and Abandoned by the People who were supposed to take care of me. It's only been a few months, but I've made the Decision to "Walk Away". It's not like the Family has made any effort to make Contact with me to bring Healing. So I need to find Healing on my own with doing the Hard Work and just being the Best Person I can be! Just recently, a Neighbor agreed to be my Adoptive Mom and Boy did it ever feel good to be "Wanted". I feel like I'm making some positive steps and discovering "Who I really am"? It helps to have a good Cheerleading Community who see the Potential in me and my AWESOME Husband who always tells me how much I'm Loved!!! I CAN do this!! I WILL BREAK FREE and be a Blessing to Others! 🙏
I stood up to my sister and let her know that I wasn't going to put up with her manipulation. She immediately started gaslighting me and telling me I ruined the holiday for for family (like always). If I stay, I deal with disrespect. If I stick up for myself, im blamed for everything that happens. It's been like this forever. I'm an adult now. I don't have to put up with this.
My sister is very hard work like your sister. They don’t understand the meaning of fairness, compassion and family love.
Exactly! I'm in the middle of it right now ..My sister has distorted everything realizing she is actually the problem is mind blowing..it is straining between everyone between us like my Dad I just want to be not near her bad and everytime I go vist she pops in it's weird..Also reaching out to my in laws to come to her party and not inviting me ..so messed up..They aren't going but that's what she wants me to feel alone.
Wow your story is as if it was put in my own words. That is exactly what I am going through. I am the older sister. I have reached the point that I can't put up with the abuse. She can never hold responsibility for her actions. So she turns the table and makes me the bigger bad guy. Blocks me or gives me the silent treatment. Then my dad is enraged and tells me I have to apologize. Her action of blocking me over and over is justified...
@@naddyn685 rpp
just cut ties with my sister for the same reason
At 59, I no longer “want” my mom to understand what she’s done and continues to do to me. I no longer “want” her to admit her bad behavior, judgment, attitude towards me, I no longer “want” an apology.
I am beyond and over all “those wants”.
Now, I “only want” it to stop - in whatever way that manifests itself. I’m done caring if she ever realizes that she’s an abusive, enabled Narc.
It's really hard when you realize your parent REALLY doesn't love you, for whatever reason. It's hard to trust anyone when the person who should have, doesn't. I can't help you, but I can empathize. It's their dysfunction, not yours.
I wish I could get here so badly. I'm 57, been no contact for 2 years. My family treats me like I'm Cruella DeVille and my mother is an adorable dalmation puppy.
That's basically where I am today.
@@nancyjohnson5483 That sounds tough. I think if you feel it's a duty, you'll be glad you did this later when she's gone.
Mine were more sadistic (actually derived pleasure from psychologically abusing me). I finally had to walk away 100% once I realized what was going on. Only took me 50+ years! :-)
@@Gigi-wb8pe glad you finally found peace
Wow you just explained my whole childhood... I moved thousands of miles away just to not have to see my narcissistic mother daily.
Oh my god! @DrRamani this is me! This makes me so hurt, sad, and angry! Thank you for your channel, it’s opening my eyes!
“No contact” with one of my family members was the best decision of my life. Your happiness is more important than anything!
Religiously, I feel pressure from God to go back in.
You never stop being the scapegoat.
Move far away and cut contact.
You are not obligated to them.
Release yourself and don’t look back.
Spot on. My siblings took on traits of my narcissistic mother. Wanting a normal family I tried to unite them but my mother would sabotage every attempt. She played the victim on a story about my birth father to elicit blind loyalty, I later found this story was a complete reversal of fact. She was savage mentally & physically when displeased. I was abused by other family members in different ways & thought love was a thing you had to earn, my naivety attracted narcissistic partners & sadly I let go of the one person who offered simple love. I was afraid to have children in case I screwed them up like me & my siblings had been. Their children are affected to various degrees from cold isolation to sociopath. I spent my life hoping to reconcile the problem which was a waste of time & emotion. Her final act of malice was to exclude us from her mother's fortune (who she also manipulated) in death so the daughter of her second husband got all though she did absolutely nothing to help her - in fact they both expressed hatred of each other's company but were very similar. I do not mourn her passing, I mourned her inability to love, she used to freeze when hugged & empty sentiment was all she ever gave. Each generation reflects the emotional damage.
I came here to read comments. I tend to wallow in my mental issues when I have bad days. It's bad, I know, but can't help myself. I just want to say thank you for something you said. I don't know for sure if my mother was a narcissist, autistic or something else because she was never diagnosed, but I know for sure I've been gaslit my whole life. I separated from her partially (because she was very controlling) quite late in life, and we still had bad relationship because she wanted to continue to control me. At moments I was so mad and desperate I wished she would die. And soon she did die to cancer. And it hit me like a truck. It destroyed me. And sometimes I wonder why I feel so bad. And I think what you said is also true about me - that I mourn something we didn't have, but I don't actually mourn her for her. I mourn the relationship we didn't have. Thank you for saying that, actually. It made me feel a bit better, I really need to remember it now. I hope you're healing now. Best of all.
I didn’t have children for a few reasons, but one was fear of doing a terrible job because my mother did such a terrible job with me.
I'm an adult scapegoat. I'm stuck living with my toxic mom and now she tells me I'm the golden child.
I’m also a scapegoat. It’s taken me 40 years to start to shake off believing I’m a bad person. It’s been hard to accept that the feelings of anger and frustration toward my mother for total emotional neglect and constant invalidation don’t mean I’m bad, it means I’m human and still feel fully. There are many downsides of social media but access to content like this is one of the absolute bright spots- life changing! Thank you.
I'm 41 and right there with you. We'll be alright
Thank you for putting into words what I cannot.
I had that exact kind of "mother"......
💟🤗
You’re not bad, I get it I grew up believing I wasn’t worth the air I breathed thanks to siblings and extended family that shoved me out of the loop. Thankfully my parents aren’t narcs but they did enable and gaslight not realizing the damage they were enabling to create. You’re a surviver not a bad person, not a criminal, not at fault in anyway! Your mom owed to you a healthy childhood and failed but I’m sure you’re a better person than most in the world 🤟🏽
My older sister was the scapegoat in the family. I was the lost child. Recently I spoke up in her defense about something and must’ve rocked the boat, I became the target of an attempted smear campaign. I think this was retaliation for going to bat for her, and since she limits her contact with several siblings, they needed a new target! I am beginning to understand how painful it must have been for her throughout the years!
On your sister's behalf...Thank you.
Siblings often don’t see anything until the target ices themselves out. It’s usually too late.
When I was 60 yrs old, my only sibling, my younger sister by 14 months, the 'golden child' to our mother, called me & told me she was beginning to understand what I had been telling her for years & why I went no contact with our mother. A HUGE burden lifted from me as she answered my question, "What do you understand?" She really did see some of the sh!t our narcissistic mother heaped on us & especially on me, the scapegoated child. Now she receives the brunt of crap since I went no contact 2 yrs ago.
Yep. I hope my siblings finally admit to all of it and break away like I did. I'll never know because I recently went NC with ALL of them. Was LC for years but enough is enough and the way the world is (if you know, you know) I don't want them anywhere near me.
@@katie7748 sorry to say that unless they stop being flying monkeys, it's not likely to happen. Just focus on yourself.
It makes me cry to hear her talk about me. Like she knows me or what i have been through. It all totally checks out. I am very empathic and always trying to make sure everyone is happy
Hello, family scapegoat here! I ended up searching out for a person that would validate me. I did find that although it was superficial. I had been exposed to so little validation that I was fooled by by narcissistic charm and charisma. I am a recovering drug addict. I would operate on a cocktail of drugs. I developed a drinking problem. My partner left me. I was blind sided by this. I still am in denial. Going to school for Computer Science(Study of computer, computational studies, algorithms,) I'm an assistant manager at my local retail store. I dropped out of highschool. But I got my diploma and started at WGU. I feel very unloved even though I know I am. The voices and the vitriol and the belittlement. The abuse on every level. The isolation. The lack of understanding from my peers and mentors. There is a part of me that I can not shake. I fundamental part of me that still does not understand why this all happened. Really it is still happening in my mind even if it has stopped in reality. I am still not able to communicate really just how painful it really was and is. I am not special. There are many like me. And for that I feel sorrow. My heart truly does break.
You’re not alone! Thank you for sharing. You have an amazing gift don’t forget that.
Being raised by a narc father caused me to be a "narc magnet." Looking back, every former friend who discarded me (and devalued me when they discarded me) had some narc traits all along that I didn't realize at the time. Funny how I always matured in some way once they left my life 😅
So true. I also had a sort of built-in **naivety** that prevented me from seeing what was going on when I was young, but it fell away by stages until I began to see it clearly, probably not until my 30's.
I have the same experience Cren!
Since realizing what damage was caused by my parents, and therefore breaking contact, I have started to see a whole bunch of other relationships in a different light. I don’t know how much I’ve personally actually matured in the process, but there’s been a lot of relief. Lost relationships with both friends and family members that left behind a feeling of emptiness and grief (even anger) at first but in the end led to a tremendous feeling of peace. And as Dr. Ramani says, the importance of being the best possible parent has become absolutely essential. Though I still have to learn to let go some times to avoid becoming overprotective.
Me too.
Agreed. That level up is beautiful once you rid yourself of these parasites. I'm very happy now that I no longer have NARCS around me.
This describes so many of my childhood friends. Thank you for sharing this comment.