Narcissistic fathers
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- Опубліковано 18 чер 2022
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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My father is the most heartless person I’ve ever met. Communicating with him feels really weird. It’s like he isn’t a human, he doesn’t have empathy for his own blood and he loves making me feel like garbage. These videos help me acknowledge the fact that HE is the problem and not me. My healing process is not done I am just in the beginning. Prayers to everyone going through similar struggles ❤
I'm so sorry and My "Dad" is the same way. He will act like this caring parent around strangers but HORRIBLE TO DEAL WITH BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. I BE MENTALLY Drained.
@@carolynbrihm9218 we are all so strong really
Yes I totally agree. I’m 62 and have only just realised this about my father. I think as soon as you realise these traits it’s best to get away from them and don’t ever look back
I can relate. We are all strong people. We've been through enough and we don't need their say about what we should think or act. Both of my parents tend to enjoy dragging us in quarrels because they *can never be wrong.* Or yell at us (me, my siblings and grandpa) because they need other people to be in pain to be fair for what they feel inside. I decided it's the best to ignore them and that shows me how desperate they are to seek attention. It's laughable. If only I'm not too young to be living independently.
My father is so evil
I can't believe
How evil he is
"Give the gift of absence to those who don't appreciate your presence." This is how I feel since going no contact with abusive family. Best wishes and healing everyone and thanks again Dr Ramani ☀️
I usually am not one to like quotes and sayings (because they are often generalized rhetoric)...
But the one you mentioned is NOT rhetoric, its a great quote.
i so applaud your strength
@@BB-fo5mr thank you
@@therapytalk1 thanks so much. It's been very difficult but day by day I'm taking control of my life again. For once in a long time I finally feel excited and hopeful for my future plans without abusive family interfering and dragging me down
I just took a screenshot of this - thank you! 😌
My father is a narcissist. Every year, I begrudgingly buy a gift and a card, and cringe when he gets teary eyed while reading the card and thanking and hugging me. It’s honestly so weird and repulsive considering that he is straight up nasty to me 80% of the time, always trying to start arguments with me and making little nasty remarks.
My mom is a good person and a good mom, but she’s so worn down from being married to this monster for so long, that I feel alone. I can’t go no contact because I live at home, and I am just filled with so much dread right now. More than usual. I get so jealous and hurt when I see people smiling and talking about how great their dad is. I’m honestly jealous of people who had no dad at all. I think would have been better for me, than having my dad as a father. I ask myself why me? Why couldn’t I have one of those jolly, sports watching, beer bellied bbq dads? Why did I have to have this mean, brooding nut case? There’s so much, it would take me a year to write.
Just venting here. Hoping for strength.
Everything You just said with this comment, I personally could have wrote verbatim. DEFINITELY NOT "alone"! We All live in a fallen upside down broken world . Nothing happens to anyone except what is Common to happen! Realizing this Truth, has been (As All Truth) , EXTREMELY Freeing!
❤️📖💝✝️..💗⬆️
💖☝️💞👆✅️💗💖🔊🔊👂👂👁👁=🤯💖😃
You’re not alone x
You are not alone. My father is surrounded by people who think he's marvellous - still living independantly age 96 with their combined help - they know nothing of what he put my.mother, myself, or my brothers through. I'm the only one left (my mother & brothers have all passed away) & regarded as the very distant daughter who lives away & doesn't help or visit enough. But they don't see that any help i try to give is considered interfering (but he welcomes help from his lady friend with open arms & cannot see what is happening with her or why she's doing it). I try to step out of the ring & not play his games, but the more i do that, the more she takes over. She sent me a card a week before fathers day saying she'd booked a restaurant for that day & (quote) 'it would be great if you could be there'. I spoke to her about it, saying it's not her responsibility & she said she disn't want him to be alone like last year. He wasn't alone last year - i visited as usual but it had to be later as, when i phoned him to arrange a viait, he said ahe was already taking him out. She knows nothing of what he was like as he puts on the 'poor me, i'm too old' persona to her. It's exasperating & humiliating & i feel.very angry & sad about it all.
You are not alone in this.
I would stop buying those cards. Maybe you could get less sentimental ones. Like the birthday card I got for a boss I didn't like. It had a picture of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons at it said "Happy birthday....now get back to work!"
As the pithy saying goes "Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child"
Being raised by a narcissistic father was like being hit by different sea waves, confusing and terrifying.
I love my dad but I don't ever wanna marry sb like him
My mother is a covert narcissist and a psychopath. I have cptsd from her past abuses. My body and brain produces lots of traumas from her abuse. I feel sick when my trauma is triggered or activated. I lost appetite,my sleep everything. So how can I heal or feel better from ptsd can you give me some hints??
Same here. It resulted in me becoming a narc magnent. I'm 60 now and have never married, never had the family I wanted because I don't attract healthy men. Narc parents can truly destroy their kids' lives. My 56 yo brother has been damaged in other ways but he, too, has never married. Neither if us have had a romantic relationship that ever made it to a year. Yet we both have strong, stable platonic friendships that go back decades.
Excellent description.
@@LaPinturaBella how to heal from complex ptsd from malignant narcissist mother??I am 27 male and unmarried and having cptsd from the devil.she isolated me from my friends and moved to a remote village where I dont know people except her by that I become completely dependent on her. But I find my support symtems here in youtube. I think we victims of narc abuse are become our best friends each other. What do u think??
I have never married partly because of this.
I’ve finally realized today my father is a narcissist. A heavy and exhausting day full of tears, but happy to have my eyes opened. Everything makes sense now. Thank you, I feel seen ❤
❤ I feel exactly the same.
❤
literally same
I thought I was the only one in this situation.May GOD give all of us suffering from this strength to overcome these obstacles in our lives.
Same
I decided to NOT wish my narcissistic father a Happy Father's Day. I am also deciding to go no contact with him too. I'm tired of being the scapegoat, all the rage, blame, shame, gaslighting, word salad, fighting, fleeing, freezing and fawning. No more no more no more!
I feel you 💖 I too just recently decided to go no contact and block. I tried to do the grey rock and keep a distance but it wasn't working. yesterday was definitely the last straw for me but I felt calm about making the decision official now.
It's really sad that we even have to consider no contact because inside we will always care and want the best for them but our health is important and we deserve love and kindness.
I had to come to this video for comfort and validation, saw your comment and it's exactly where I am.
wishing you peaceful healing 💞 may we continue to thrive and receive all that is meant for us for our betterment!! 🌟
I'm currently doing the same. I've had it with him!! I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. Curious..did you tell him you were walking away or went no contact without warning? I don't feel my deserves anymore of my time!
You're lucky
Hope you have a peaceful life
I started 'gray rocking' my narc parents in the mid '80s. Finding Dr.R and the other narc busters finally brought me understanding and peace ❤
For me, Fathers’ Day is something I like to dismiss because my father is a narcissist. He was never a model for me, he was never actually good to me, he never told me he loved me or treated me like he loved me - my feelings toward him have always been very complicated. As a child, I wanted to connect with him and be important to him, but it took me years to realize that I would never be cherished by him. And even thinking about Father’s Day is a bit depressing because of this. But I guess I can be who he wasn’t to me to myself. Thanks so much, Dr. Ramani
I've been gaslit so much in my childhood with "I love you", guess what that did to my ability to discern good partners later in life. It made me naive and confused and accepting bad relationships that I didn't realize I should have been leaving, leading from traumatization to traumatization.
I think there is a mountain of hidden abuse in the past that we don't talk about, I'm pretty convinced now that almost every previous generation (except maybe before we split from our common ancestor with chimps) has had a traumatic childhood that led to them traumatizing the next generation because "this is normal, why should you have it any better?"
@@minagica You are so right! For years I’ve thought these traumatic realities were normal, but they’re not. To this day, I’m still struggling to come to grips with the truth - and that is abuse is never normal or okay
@@minagica I never realized that I love you, could be used for gaslighting.But you're a 1000 % right.This happened to me all the time.
@@jl4091 I mean when they say they love you, but their actions are the opposite, but you're also a kid who has no way out so your brain has to find a way to square it so that you can survive (and you, of course, don't even realize it on a conscious level that this is what your brain is doing)... Yeah 😢
@@RoyalKnightCurly I'm still working on dismantling all the forms this sort of abuse can take 🥺
“Invalidating, critical, unavailable, neglectful, manipulative gaslighting father”
Oh that’s terrible - I now understand why my 14 year old is withdrawn and tearful
This is what happened to me.. If you need any answers.. btw. I just found out yesterday, so there’s that. Oh, also I’m 39 lol
Guess we have the same type of dad 🤓
I also have the same problem with my father, it sucks! And I try so hard to not be like him and yet I find myself struggling with that. The difference is I have regret after I realize my behavior. He will never realize how wrong he was and will never acknowledge that he messed up. He has a problem with all women, he says we are all crazy and narcissistic. He told my teenage boys that. When we are having a bad day he says we are too emotional and when I was growing up even now I might be emotionally immature but he tells me to stop, like I’m a robot. He calls me an idiot and a narcissist he also says that about my sister in laws that we are crazy. Yup that’s my father! I am 39 years old and I still struggle with lots of my childhood and I can’t talk about it, I’m told to let it go but let you do something to offend him he will hold it against you until forever and demands an apology
@juliapereida9623 The best thing you can do is tell him to shove his completely wrong opinions BACK up his butt WHERE HE ORIGINALLY MANUFACTURED THEM. And that he's never getting an apology because HE'S the problem. Then sit back with a bowl of popcorn and watch him fly around the room like a gnat circling a bug zapper. You will not believe how empowered you'll feel afterward, despite all his inevitable gnashing of teeth.
The recent abusive incident that made me go no contact was where I was in the car with my "father" and he got extremely emotionally abusive because I had a different opinion to him regarding my childhood. This retraumatised me and triggered all the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child. It also brought back a particularly nasty memory of him aggressively berating me as a child in the car while driving home but putting on a completely different mask when we got home calling me a "good girl." Moments before he was calling me every name under the sun - as a child - and then later as an adult! The big difference is now I'm an adult who can speak back and walk away instead of sitting terrified in his unhealthy and unpredictable company. When I spoke back this time I got the old, "All we've done for you" and "You were spoilt and had it easy" lines. I see it as being "Fed with one hand and abused with the other." Yeah I was "spoilt" alright! Thanks Dr Ramani for helping me and so many others ☀️
Such a father will hate that you can stick up for yourself and are “undoing” the brainwashing he instilled in you.
Traumatizing to his ego
@@BB-fo5mr This is so true. With them it's a case of, "How dare you speak back and have your own opinion!" even though you are an adult. Utter craziness and they don't want their children growing up because they were easier to control and gaslight
Time to do exactly what you need to do to have a life you love and deserve. It can take a while to get your head round cutting off a parent but you and your life will drastically improve. We can be terrified of thevthoughtike thinking badove is better than no love. No it isnt because you will become the better you, go on a heibg journey andcwork on attracting real quality love and frindships in your life because you will learn to love and respect yourself and give no room to anyone who does not come up to that standard xxxxxx
@@titithetoad Thanks so much for your kind comment ❤️ Everything you say is so true. I wondered for a long time why I also tended to attract toxic people in general but now realise it's a pattern of coming from an abusive family who never taught me to expect any different. It was unhealthy because toxic people were all I was used to but not anymore as I know I deserve better. I used to feel guilty in the past for cutting contact but now my mind is crystal clear with zero guilt for protecting my well being and refusing to put up with anymore toxicity from them. No longer will I pander to their abuse and neglect, tiptoe around it or be a scapegoat for carving a healthier life without them in it. Thanks again for your lovely comment. Best wishes ☀️xo
This sounds like my father. I left my ex narcissistic fiancee just to go back home to my mom and dad's with my children after ten yrs gone I left mainly if my dad to to get away from his mental and emotional abuse. Every relationship I've had with men turn into being a narcissist themselves. I want to attract healthy ppl I have BPD and PTSD it's so horrible
I cut off relationship with my father 8 years ago and with my mother this year. So now when it’s Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, I buy myself a fking huge cake and commend myself for pulling through those 18 years of psychological abuse and neglect, and coming out alive and somehow normal. Well done me 😹 and thank you to all the people on UA-cam (esp. vloggers back in the day) who helped to raise me psychologically 🥳
hahaha I LOVE this
congrats!!
❤❤❤❤
it's like you just described me haha LOVE THIS. There you go girl! We can be the parents for ourselves that we never had.
Great idea!
My father is really good at being a narcissist. His talent shines in being able to hurt you in such ways that most people would invalidate your pain for. People around him say "oh he really loves his children"... it makes me sick. I was afraid of him my whole life, I never trusted him even as a little child, I did not feel safe with him. Many times I opened up, crying, yelling, my own mother did no believe me,, who divorced him, she told me I'm probably overreacting. His birthday is tomorrow. I'm a senior in high school now but the moment I'm financially stable I am CUTTING HIM OFF so he has nothing on me. Thank you for these videos reminding me I am not overreacting and my pain is not unfair punishment towards him.
If you struggled with the guilt of not “honouring thy mother and father”, just remember that this was meant for thy GOOD mother and father…not narcissistic *ssholes. And sometimes we have to honour and respect a parent from AFAR so as not to cause dishonour and disrespect by further disparaging them.
Much love, strength, and power to my fellow survivors. ✊
For sure i agree
That's a great post. That is exactly how I feel. thank you for sharing this insight!
i know what you mean. i think. i was told so often that i was ungrateful my mother towards. while i was a small child just asking to spend more time with her.
my mom is a great person. she has done her wrongs, however she has done her rights farout heavier.
i was told to call my stepdad "dad" or "father", not by my mother. she wasnt able to protect me though. i will always cherish her.
and to all i want to say, cherish yourself. just because your were made by monsters, doesnt mean you are ought to be monsters yourselfs.
Yes, part of 'honoring' the parent is calling them out when it's necessary as well.
My brother told me: "get back to basics: Honor your dad" after told him I cut off my dad two years ago. I won't honor a narcisistic father (he turns 70 today on top of father's day) anymore.
First fathers day spent after going no contact with my self righteous malignant father and toxic family structure,, sending love to all the survivors and those still enduring 🙏❤
My dad helped me understand why Jesus said " I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance". This below is how my dad prayed. Sad.
Luke 18:9-14
9 And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
10 Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.
12 I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.
13 And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner.
14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.
Ditto
@@meggiepoopieplays ❤ 🙂
Same. 💕
@@tierneylogan5943 ❤😊
To all girls, ladies and women with an asshole for a dad...Do not allow other men to disrespect you, brother, father, boyfriend etc....we are at a loss and need to always check ourselves...be the "man" you need by nurturing yourself and good self talk ❤
No offense but this affects men too especially narc dads are jealous of any success of another man and hate competition even though that is part of life.
To add on, always be learning in all ways possible the easy way. You’ll defend yourself from the wrong people and let the right people in better. They’re really rare and valuable so it’s a blunder to have too much caution when there’s nothing known about them. Always be learning, always be adapting.
At 52 years old, I have decided that my father will not mistreat me again, neither physically nor emotionally… enough. And today, Father's Day for the first time I feel freed from that emotional burden of calling him and thinking carefully about what words to use to keep him happy and not offend him. Thank you Dr.🙏🏼🙋🏻♀️
My father was never loved by his mother and so he never was able to show love to me. It’s impacted my ability to see real love for what it is and I confuse abuse with love. My grandmother was an undiagnosed NPD, so much so a doctor pulled my mom aside and said this woman has real issues…she thrived on conflict. My dad absolutely was the breadwinner and worked but didn’t invest in his kids emotionally. It took a toll on me. He died a year and a half ago and I still struggle to feel emotional about it. I love him but it’s hard to show love when it was never shown back to me.
💜💜
How to get appetite back from narcissistic abuse??
@@banerjees4481 I use food to comfort the pain so that’s never been an issue for me 🤷🏻♀️
@@virgomoon1168 I have complex ptsd from narcissistic abuse from my psychopath mother. My ptsd episodes comes and goes away frequently. Like today my ptsd is activated and i lost appetite. How to heal from ptsd can u give me some tips
@@banerjees4481 Give it time, plenty of time. It’s a long, slow climb to get to a healthy place. And wounds can take a long time to heal. Remember that nasty things people do or say to you reflect them and not you. No human can heal narcissistic personality disorder in another so we need to stop trying or being involved in the chaos that surrounds him/her. 💖💖
Spot on. Parent yourself. I recently started writing mini letters to myself as if from a supportive father or mother, and telling myself what I really want and need to hear, positively speaking. And while it can bring up the odd negative glitch to hear some really positive stuff, even though I wrote it to me, feels wonderful and warming. Hope that doesn't sound batty.
It's sounds a beautiful thing to do, on fact I'm going to start too, thank you.
The love that I was missing from a family, os the live in intend to give myself.
Best of luck for your healing. x
That’s absolutely a wonderful idea! My counselor had me write down all of my strengths and weaknesses and my strengths far exceeded my weaknesses. It is still so wonderful and empowering reading or even thinking about that list! Such a great idea!
Not batty Ellis. Thanks for sharing such a great idea.
May you have peace of mind.
Wonderful idea!
Talk about "hitting close to home". Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I am listening to this. Thank you for sharing this video today. I'm going to save this video and rewatch it every year on Father's Day.
Same here. Hugs to you 🤗
It doesn't just leave a "Daddy hole in our soul"; it leaves a toxic waste site. That is hard to clean out. I look at how God made the earth to regenerate itself after disaster and know that I can make it afresh. I resist his mocking voice in my head and plant a new thought.
You got this Julie. Over time they just become a distant memory, it did for me at least. My Dad was hell and it was necessary for me to get the hell away. Free yourself of that emotional torture. You don’t deserve to be treated any way other GREAT from your father.
Ill make sure to say "hello" to you next year! Keep strong till then!
@@nancyhjort5348 I like the way you think.
My earliest memories include my father violently telling me I wasn't worth the dirt from wich I was made. A constant theme throughout my life. As an adult I look back and imagine grabbing a toddler face to face looking in their eyes hatefully telling the that kind of stuff. It's evil.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you've found peace, strength and now have the opportunity to grow with a healthy sense of self and self-esteem. 💛
How have you fared as an adult?
I'm 62 now, female, have two younger brothers, we're all quite close in age. I think my dad has a particularly difficult time with women, especially strong women, but by the same token, maybe also partly being first-born (?) I was maybe a bit better at evading him, being very good/not provoking him.
But your post caught me because if there was one message my dad communicated, it was that I was worthless. "There's nothing of worth in you," were his exact words when I was 18 and trying to redeem an unfortunate situation. Though I didn't "believe" him, exactly, I do think he communicated it in so many other ways as I was growing up, it does seem like it must have been written into my DNA, and, I've struggled accordingly.
Now at 62, I've finally gotten to where my failure to measure up as a grown up human who supposedly had some potential doesn't matter so much any more, it's like my own body is now turning against me. (I have very advanced osteoporosis, no obvious reasons for it to be this bad, except maybe "childhood trauma" and the changes that can induce in the body. It can be a costly, chronic condition, and feeling "not worth it" doesn't make asking for help easier.)
I don't know if my brothers also got the "not worth it" message, but both of them retired early on disability. The middle one, who was brutalized by my dad, developed an auto-immune clotting disorder and a type of late onset epilepsy, which he denied under he had a grand mal seizure while conducting a seminar. That got him some attention. It took a long time to figure out what was wrong with him, just a very bizarre combination of events, but I think the core is his body is just breaking down. (The other brother had very narrowed arteries--he's the one who pointed us to the idea that childhood trauma could manifest in physical breakdown in adulthood. (He had his first heart attack while on a century bike ride; it wasn't lack of fitness, poor health habits that led to his condition.)
Hopefully you are doing okay.
@@cindylutz7442Hi Cindy. Hope you’re doing ok. Im also 62 years old and only recently have I realised that the childhood I thought was happy was actually quite traumatic. Also, I now realise that my mother was a narcissist and many of my adult relationships, including my marriage were with narcissists as well. I had so much emotional abuse in my marriage that a few years ago I got cancer, from which I am currently free. Watching Dr Ramani’s videos and following Dr Gabor Mate have really opened my eyes and taught me a lot. I would highly recommend looking up Dr Mate and his books, including the book: “The body keeps the score” by Bessel von Der Kolk. Good luck to all of us survivors. ❤️🍀🖖
I remember events like this too. A recent memory is that I would talk to him such as “how was your day?” and he wouldn’t reply or even look at me. He refused to acknowledge me unless he was physically, mentally or verbally torturing me.
Have you considered you may be suffering from C-PTSD?
Is telling you that everything about you as a person could be completely replicated with computer code similar? This was in the age of dial up, so it wasn't really true back then of course.
My father never loved me. All the energy he put into me when I was growing up was to try and change who I was and when he couldn't he threw me to the wolves. I have no desire to pick up the phone. I don't care how he's doing.
Yep
The memory of an abuser is complex; the memory of an abusive father it’s a cold black hole filled with sad memories.
Daughter of an abusive narcissistic dad, and I appreciate this message today. It is always bittersweet to celebrate my wonderful husband, yet know I am mourning the father I wish I had.
glad you were able to marry well 💐
It’s funny how in spite of my dad’s toxic behaviors, I was somehow blessed enough to find someone to love on my own. But what breaks my heart for my boyfriend is that he’s just as much a victim as I am, and I wish there was something I could do to help him. You’d think it’s easy being an empath in spite of our being neurodivergent, but we have a rock solid relationship and love each other so much.
"All that you think that you lost was not worth having"- A divine message to me.
He died 5 months ago. Im so conflicted. But happier.
I feel bad for my sister, the golden one. She lived to fulfill his lost dreams. She is feeling the ultimate abandonment thru death.
Happy healing 💖😊💖
My father is a narcissistic. Thanks for this. I usually feel strangely guilty yet resentful on Father’s Day, like I have some obligation to call him up and take a verbal beating to make his day. But I never do. LOL But it’s good to have our pain acknowledged. For those of us recovering from a narcissistic father this day truly is challenging. Thanks again!
Yes! I did contact, I succumbed, and I regret it cos his pity party is now complete. Good on ya for not giving in, I did and I'm now cringing. Go girl :)
Good for you for not contacting him! My narcissist father died some years ago, and I tell ya, I was relieved! I cried for 2 weeks, mostly grieving that I would never have the relationship with him that I needed and wanted, and then I was done. I’d already done most of my grieving while he was alive. I know Dr. Ramani has talked about the relief some of us feel when the narc dies, and it’s true. May both of you experience that relief when your narc fathers pass on. It’s actually freeing. 🙏
Same I didn't contact him.
Our Father God JAHWEH is our Father, better than better He is the Best and He has children who are very sick. So pray to your Father and thank Him for the beautiful things He has given you and also praise Him also in for you not so good circumstances...you can look it up why that is etc. 😊
I had a wonderful father. Married and had a child with a narcissist unfortunately. One of my biggest difficulties is picking out a Father’s Day card that is sincere, because non of those cards available describe him. I just become robotic on this day, and quite frankly, every day. Dr Ramani, you are getting me through this life. Thank you.
Robotic everyday
so interesting because i hear the very same greeting card dilemma in my private practice. standing there can make you cry.
@@therapytalk1 same! 🤗🤗
My parents aren’t narcissists but I truly struggle with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards. I didn’t have the happiest childhood. I would have to choose the most benign cards because as you said none of them applied to my parents. I have always hated those holidays which is probably why I have never encouraged my own children to celebrate Mother’s Day.
I used to just try to pick the funniest card... the rest seemedsi insincere
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this validation. I grew up being devalued as a girl and have spent decades reprogramming by brain to accept that I am good enough. I am so grateful for your work. Happy “Self-Parenting” Day! ❤️
My dad hates women, starting with mom, who divorced him when I was 11. He's punished me for it ever since. I am 59 now. He's condescending, sarcastic, belittling, and made fun of me when I complained. He needs to grow up, now!
Ditto❤🌹
@@jackilynpyzocha662Why not go no contact?
I love everyone that has been through the same thanks for commenting and reminding me im not alone ❤️
@@jackilynpyzocha662As a father, he shouldn't see a child as a bin for all of his emotions. Children are not designed for trauma dumping, and he should refer to a close adult or therapist. But we all know that, yeah, narcissists can't appear vulnerable so they have to choose the worst option.
Thank you for your words dr Ramani. I finally cut off my old narcissist father 6 months ago. He is desperate to get me back using every possible way and I know that I will lose my inheritance because I will become a discard soon. I rather have nothing than be abused to the rest of my life and be completely mentally destroyed by him.
This one made me cry. My dad was on the extreme end of the “men as breadwinners, women as carers” spectrum. When I got a new bike, He got on it and grandstanded while we all watched. I had to teach myself how to ride. I need to take Dr Ramini’s suggestion for how to celebrate today.
Grandstanded. That you, AJ, for that word, and I, too, am going to try to take Dr Ramini's suggestions and put them into action today. The first step for me is getting out of bed. Hearing the voices others who have had similar experiences to mine helps me feel less crazy, more validated, and just... a little bit more okay.
That's mean. I am so sorry. 😔
@@msjannd4 Thank you!
I’m learning to rebuild myself everyday for emotional and self-esteem scars my father has left on me. That’s all I can do to try and find healing and meaning from it.
I tried that whole, “he’s your father so call” nonsense. We’d be all right for a little while, then he’d hurt my heart again. I’ve gone nearly a decade without talking to him before…several times. I’m 6 months into the rest of my life now. No one will guilt me into chasing after him again.
🤔Never thought about doing something for myself. I’m going to plan that from now on. Thank you!
Same here. For mother's day, my mum wish me and I said same to you but 2days later sent awful audio texts. So I had to block her. For father's day I just kept silent. Been a year no contact with parents but they started texting and said sorry but now back again to old behavior. So I'm no contact again 😊
My malignant mother and enabling narcissistic father are still alive but I consider myself orphaned.
I consider them both unworthy to even be called parents.
I won't celebrate either one of them.
I am my own parents and I am re-parenting myself w love, respect, encouragement, and the nurturing I always deserved.
Those so called care givers were really "I don't give one flying care about their daughter", so they're dead to me.
To anyone suffering please know...you deserve better. You deserve care. You are worthy of love. And you have always been worthy of love and respect.
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Since recently cutting contact with abusive family this is the first Father's Day I feel complete relief and indifference because I know I no longer have to text or call, buy fake glossy cards and lavish gifts that don't reflect the real truth of my upbringing. I've hated Mother's Day even more because there tends to be more of a fuss made around it and I thankfully no longer feel obliged to celebrate that either. Celebrating these days for wonderful parents is an appropriate and lovely gesture but as for abusive parents they don't deserve that privilege when they abused and neglected their very own children. We as adults with stolen childhoods and now our own lives no longer have a duty to obey and serve abusive people, especially those who were supposed to nurture, love and protect
Amen 🙏 😍
My father never told me he loved me. Nothing I do is ever good enough.... But I always knew that's on him.
"Just because someone says it's fathers day doesn't mean you have to put your healing and your progress back". Why is no one talking about how much of a BAR this is?! Go, Dr. Ramani! Always with those killer lines!
My father is dead. I had not talked to him for over 30 years after uncovering the truth about the sexual abuse we suffered from very early age(s). My other siblings are in complete denial, and we don't talk anymore. Both my parents were narcissists. My father was a workaholic and an incredible provider financially. We had a beautiful home, all the food that we could eat, medical/ dental care, lovely clothing, pool in the backyard...Some holidays. But in all honesty, I didn't really have much of a real Dad, relationship wise, though I was his favorite and he did some "drive by" championing. He could see me more than my mother could. However, he subconsciously hated women (because of what his own mother did to him, that was repressed and unadressed;) We didn't have a chance... All girls in my family! He was a tyrant, punishing, authoritarian...And a religious fanatic on top of it all. But...there was past life karma involved, too, so hopefully it's settled now. (I haven't had the courage to ask to see what our karma was. I get a vibe about the Inquisition. Perhaps back then...I was the torturer. These things do happen...) I didn't grieve an iota when he died....I really don't know who he was. I hope sincerely that he's in a place of knowledge and spiritual healing now...Because the man thought that he knew everything. Yeah, he did not. Only God ITSELF could humble this man. RIP ...And I do thank you for the home and sustenance physically that you provided for us. It was light years beyond how you grew up...And this...was how you were able to show up for us. I forgive you and I hope you are in worlds of peace and light. I truly do.
@S R You're fortunate to have a good mom! :) The easiest explanation for Karma that I've heard is "what goes around, comes around." Only on a larger scale, so we may not immediately see the (good or bad) outcomes of what we do, or what someone else does. BUT one can hope that it eventually does come around and smack the narcissist upside the head!
@@aprilgodsey5522 I disagree with the karma theory because it places internal blame/shame onto the survivor of the abuse (ie: I f I had been a better person in a past life .. or 10 years ago .. or as a child, .. I wouldn't have met my abuser) kind of thinking pattern where the survivor thinks the abuse is warranted.
I do believe that we have been born more than once, I believe we have a 'contract' with the Creator to better ourselves, so we come back to this realm when we haven't fully evolved.
I don't think NPD's have the same option. I believe they were spawned by evil and that is why they ALL follow the same playbook of abusive tactics and never work on themselves towards change.
BTW I'm not very religious but I hope you understand what I mean. Take care!
@S R Thank you so much. So kind.
@@CJ-fs9gt It's complicated -- and I'm not going to lie-- Its been really tough for me as a survivor of very major, very prolonged ( and enabled) family sexual abuse ...To come to terms with how, in my spiritual continium, this came to pass. I have some understanding how I had responsibilities in my past lives for manifesting this experience in my present lifetime. But I have struggled with the ramifications, (and the trauma of what I experienced and continued to re-create due to familiarity,) for my entire lifetime. I am at the end phase of my lifetime now and pretty pooped out. But that is not stopping the tests that keep coming my way. Good gravy...I hope that I get some happiness and peace in this life before I leave it. Wish me luck :)
Hello there, sorry that you went through so much, but PLEASE stop the idea of karma! There is no such thing. Jesus died for our sins and bought us free from our debts. If anything, there are generational curses that come with familiar spirits that attach to members of a family and oppress and sometimes possess them. You can drive them out in Jesus' holy name if you believe in His power and accept His free gift of salvation He gave us due to His unconditional and eternal love for us. Man is fallible, Father God isn't. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for this video, Dr. Ramani. As someone with a narcissistic dad with BPD, I dread Father’s Day and his birthday because I’m always expected to do something for him even though he treats me like shit and calls me a burden. However, I still refuse to give in and subject myself to his awful behavior, regardless of what day it is. Stay strong people! You can do it!
Fellow Libra says I feel it - they were always the burden. One line from the tv once got me (only one, thank goodness) - a child actor saying 'I was the child, and none of it was my fault'. I was 'a parasite'. Nice.
Lol I just claim that I have to work on those days. Spending those days alone may make him think about his own behavior for once.
Mine treats me like a burden and acts like it's a struggle to be bothered at all. Tough luck for him!
My malignantly narcissistic father died when I was 19. Unfortunately it has taken me many many years to be freed from the effect of his constant abusive, demeaning criticisms, because even when the abuser was no longer present, the inevitable internalising of his words made me constantly critical of myself. It also took me a long time to begin trusting God, to believe that HE was a loving Father despite the appalling role model of my earthly father. I also thank God, that he led me to a genuinely kind, loving and supportive man, now my husband of 32 years. Sadly, too many women who were abused as children end up abusive relationships.
Father's Day is tough. My father is an atypical deadbeat. I grieve every single year and even at random that I never had a father. He was a 'son' Dad, still a bad one but he pretended to care. He has never cared or taken any interest in me as his daughter or a person. I fully accept that I was born of a relationship that did not include love. I have been swallowed by relationship choices that reflect that my entire life. Until now. I am choosing to use my relationship with my father as a catalyst to radically change my life, my choices, and who I actually let in. It's hard to accept that you are 'enough' when your parents never believed that. Parenting myself everyday with compassion. 💙
You appear to be a very strong individual who is also quite intelligent. Best wishes
My father is an aging narcissist and his behavior has gotten worse with age. I was stunned and shocked to see and learn how blatantly SEXIST he truly is and it is making me rethink my entire childhood. He might actually be more than sexist and more of woman hater who resents and disrespects those who are close to him. He still carries a lot of resentment towards his deceased mother who he says was a bad mother. Sending you good wishes and healing support. 💖
Thank you 🙏🏽because people don’t understand how difficult mothers/father day can be . My parents disowned me along time ago. Thank you for all that you do💕
Happy 'Fathers' Day 😇
I'm pretty done with people who sabotage ANYONES life and than they turn around and criticize that person for not succeeding were they were sabotaging
I'm going camping 🌻
My feelings toward my father are not complicated at all. He was such a jerk, and i am happy i decided to never speak to him, Mom, or my sister about 5 years ago. They scream and yell at one another…this is how they are daily. I used to think it was my fault, and their screaming caused me suffering and loss. I am not angry at them anymore, i intend to never see them or speak to them ever again, and i feel such a sense of purpose and strength and i have a true LOVE of life now. It takes courage to break away from toxic family, but so worth it.
I am perpetually blown away by how COMPLETELY self-absorbed and entitled my father is. I really think deep down he thinks the entire universe including the laws of science were created for him alone. I witnessed him have a meltdown once when after an afternoon of berating my mother to go out shopping with him in February stepped out the door to discover it was -- surprise to no one but himself -- cold outside. Then he launched into whining, "Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold....," for literally five minutes straight like the most obnoxious bratty child you've ever seen. This was also directed at my mother like an accusation as if it were her fault that the northern United States was cold in February. He's either raging, whining, or making inconsiderate messes like throwing garbage straight on the floor instead of putting it in a trash can. It's hard to even articulate how awful he is.
My whole family enable my Dad. Every time I’d show interest in something as a child, he would intervene, telling me the negatives about said hobby or person. Literally everything, from the people I hung out with, the girls I talked to, and even the video games / UA-camrs I’d play/watch. When I was losing weight, he’d tell me I was working out too much, then when I would have a day off from the gym for the week he’d tell me why I didn’t work out and that I would lose progress if I didn’t. When I began to see it all, I expected my grandparents to help me, but they essentially told me to shut up, and every time we’d argue I’d be the one who’d have to apologize. The most ironic thing is my grandparents loved watching Me Too cases on the news were people spoke up against their abusers. I finally at the beginning of this year cut them all off, and am living a happy life with my long distance girlfriend of 4 years. My father also put her through hell to see if she’d break up with me. So happy I’m away from that monstrous so called “family”. My brother now hates me, but I know he’ll understand someday. They’ve all just labeled me as being crazy. Puke. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I know I’m not alone. You got this reader.
My father is an alcoholic and was never there for me. I was left with my mom who exhibits high narcissistic traits, as well as her mother (my grandmother). Therefore, I had 2 absent parents. It’s tough. I’m still learning what love is. Thankful for therapy and communities like this one.
Thank you for your compassion and understanding on days like this. ❤️
I am with you on this experience
When I was a Step Dad, Fathers Day was ignored I had to buy myself a gift. The Kids were forced to celebrate birth Dad. And as always, the event had to be SPECTACULAR!
When the kids returned from Dads house, they were toxic from video game toxicity and neglect.
My own Dad died when I was 5. I was striving to give the kids what I never had. Taught them both to swim and navigate surf. How to ride bikes over distance. How to contribute to the home through chores, projects, pets, and family reading.
DAD isnt a title. It is largely a gritty ,imperfect, practice.
They say that being a parent is a thankless job, being a loving and caring step parent can be even more thankless and truly heartbreaking. I was a really good “step mom” and loved those kids as my own. After we broke up, it feels as though we become nothing but hopefully an important past role model and a happy memory ~ but essentially a person non grata. Cheers to you! Happy Step Father’s Day! Happy Bonus Father’s Day! You didn’t have to love them but you DID! Thank You! 💖💕👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
PS I will love those two child as long as I draw breath… they are always in my heart. It didn’t end when my relationship with their father did…. Because it was separate and REAL. 💖💕
You keep doing what you're doing. Your children are getting the message.
Thank you for lifting us up!
My dad is a narcissist. He abandoned my family when I was a year and a half. However, I had two older brothers. My middle brother seemed to be just like my dad & abused me while we were growing up. My poor, overburdened, and ill mom tried to intervene when she could, but a lot of the abuse was just discounted as normal siblings. It was not! Folks, please be aware that sometimes hurting children hurt others. Do something besides yell or punish if your kids constantly squabble. Get those babies in therapy! The long term damage is real.
I’m in no contact with my narcissistic father and it feels oh so good!! For many years, I would have to call and wish him a happy fathers days when I didn’t want to. I would feel sick and hated myself and him for having to make that call and pretend and make him feel good like he was such a great father. I would always keep the call very short and call him from outside so I could use the excuse that I could not stay long on the phone as I was out and about and had to get on a train. And, this narcissist was always so happy when I called as if he was deserving of such an accolade and acknowledgement. He was absolutely clueless which is part of the narcissism.
Another “rub your nose in it” day. I do my best to avoid them. My father and step-father were both dead by the time I was 11. My mother was a mentally ill narc. I hate these “holidays”!
💖💜💖
💖💕💖💕😢
Female victim of a narcissistic father. I have been dreading this phone call all week. I do feel obligated to call him. It will either be a good phone call where he will spend an hour talking about himself and I can just say "yep.. mhmmm.. okay" or it will be a bad call where he decides to pick me apart for everything he thinks I am doing wrong. I do call him, I do send him cards and get him gifts, because I take the stance that our broken relationship will be entirely his fault. I don't pick him apart, belittle him, talk down to him, etc. I will be the bigger person. I am not forgiving him or excusing him for his behavior, but I will try to make the best of a bad situation and if he can't do that, he only has himself to blame. So I will give him a call today and whether it is a good one or a bad one, I will follow up doing things I have been looking forward to all week. I will end the day by calling my mother who has been the best parent anyone could ever hope for.
Also, my sister has never known her father so this holiday was always very quiet in our household. However, she was recently married and now has the most loving and wonderful father in law. So in a day where I feel alone, I will be thinking of her and her new father and being so happy and grateful that she finally has the piece she has always been looking for. This can be a good day for her and that brings me joy.
I used to struggle to find a Father’s Day card. Stood there reading and reading those perfectly expressed cards for perfect fathers. Now I know why: he was a narcissist and wasn’t treating me or my mom in a good way.
I always struggle with cards too. I didn’t even send one this year
@@stephaniew6324 neither did I and I finally gave him the Father's Day gift he deserved: absolutely nothing 😆
Thank you for mentioning the father daughter relationship. If it were not for my dad I would not have been able to study as my mom did not support the idea of a girl with a degree in engineering. 👍👋
My husband always wanted a father figure growing up. So he promised himself he'd be the best father to his kids. And he kept that promise. He is a great father to his kids. He specifically shows his son's how much he loves them. He hugs and kisses on them. It makes me so happy to see. I'm grateful he gave our kids what he didn't have.❤️
♥️♥️♥️
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you have helped me understand and deal with my very narcissistic father. I love him but throughout my childhood he tormented my mother, me, and my brothers EVERY holiday and birthdays with his selfish behavior. He sent some very hurtful texts to me and my little brother today and I was starting to type an argumentative response, but I heard your voice in my head telling me to "not argue or reason with a narcissist, because they will not understand." I sent my Dad a short response instead and sent my brother what I really wanted to tell my father. Following your advice has been extremely helpful, thank you for all that you do and for making these videos available to us for free ❤
My narcissist boyfriend ruined every holiday. Ruined Easter being a drunk because I told his son to not eat (another bowl) of cereal because I was making food. He lost his mind, got drunk, played awful music very loudly, screamed verbally abusive words to me and my daughters. I’m done with him now. Took awhile, but there will be light.
Thank you for this message on a painful day.
My narcissistic dead beat father inspired me yo be nothing like him. When he was old, sick, and suffering, I know I stood in my integrity and did
everything I could to love and nurture him until his last breath. Part codependent response. Part genuine forgiveness and knowing I’d never forgive myself if I neglected or abandoned a human being I thought I loved and admired once upon a time. I mean, when he being love bombing charming public “daddy” he was a blast!
Ughhhh.
When I realize the resilience I had to develop because of this toddler with his horrible behavior, Great Job!
Thank you for your life saving work, Dr.❤️
Happy Rat Bastard Day.
You helped me so much , i am so grateful to have found this group. Thank you so much. I grew up with a narcissistic father and just now stood up for myself.♥️
I’m with you, I was running scared. Now neither, it’s a Brain 🧠 injury and it’s way worse than I ever imagined. This stuff is pure evil and it’s Father’s Day, yay. The best day is away from him, and pet sitting just ended, so lucky 🍀 me, I get to hear dad complain how tough life is in the mansion. Plenary of room , super quiet, food beyond and life suck’s, oh yeah, cars and plane’s
Had to hit like before hearing this fully. THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD--!
Me too!! Onto 2nd add not even started yet! She’s good!!
Ahaha I do the same thing always with all the videos🥰
Ha! I always hit the like before I listen! Now, that's confidence in the presenter!
Me, as well! I’m never disappointed.
@@AJ-wt4ux always something to learn!
Thanks for being here for us survivors on these “damned” holidays. I appreciate your empathy, expertise, and encouragement so much.
Yikes. My father was a grandiose narcissist. Mother is malicious and greedy. She thought he was wealthy. He wasn't. What a debacle. I have just now realised that the diverse group of men my father was friends with ALL liked young girls. It has taken nigh on 50 years to realise all this. My mother was 20 years younger- duh....
The best (or worst) part of becoming aware of behaviours is it opens up a whole can of worms, literally. We were so trained to see things a certain way and when you finally see it clearly it is gross and disgusting. The revelations, and how odd things now make sense- society is so blind. I had an encounter recently with a teacher from 40 years ago and am still compulsively washing, and horrified when it clicked, and I'm sure there are more "aha" moments to come :(
This is so painful when your blinders come off. Take extra gentle care of yourself and reach out for help if you need support. 💖
This couldn't come at a better time... We're just ahead of you in GMT.. Mid afternoon...
And I've already had to do the grim telephone call... Hey dad... Happy fathers day...
Yes I'm so lucky to be your daughter... (not explicit but the theme of what he was saying... Yes, all the utter trauma /emotional abuse you've meted out....). Yes everyone... Does indeed think you're wonderful (sticks in my throat...) but hey I've got to keep the peace...
It's the presence of absesne in the my life... The absense of any thought, guidance and empathy.. I've missed and continue to miss!
Thanks Dr Ramani!
Thanks & good job. As a father and a son who is trying to heal & break the cycle of toxic relationships I struggle navigating holidays. I'm starting to heal, gain healthy perspective and act accordingly (authentic). It's hard because I'm going against the grain. I'm a rebel/scapegoat anyway. On some level it's natural. 😉
Hey Mike! I think men really have a hard time when they experience narc fathers since the society is full of role models who have serious narcissistic behaviors and a lot of boys really grow up in this kind of ambient without having better people to look up. So I as other young men also wanna thank you for working for a better future not only by healing but also breaking the chain. I’m 25 now and just discover about narcissist a few months ago, so I feel really happy and hopeful when I see men, since I think a lot of the victims at least the one who I see are women and I think other men really have to really help sharing the subject or just by sharing their story. It’s hard but we can do it so thank u for sharing and being an example!! Wishing u all the best!
As a son having a narc Father for decades, it’s a full relief to me when the ultimate cutting off is conducted.
Look after yourself first before no one else can.
Never have I ever clicked on a video so fast the minute it was uploaded.
Same!
Saw this notification and had too click, I I love how educational these videos are
What about those of us who *outright reject* the entire culture we were born into for raising and tolerating narcissistic men, making excuses for them and grooming themselves and/or allowing themselves to be groomed as doormat women?
💯!!! Latin culture enables it, therefore creates narcissistic tendencies all the way around. They use the excuse of… oh just forgive, that’s their way, oh it’s machismo. Bullshit. Bad is bad.
the male-worshipping culture. i finally had to be honest with myself and remove men from my parents' cultural background from my dating pool.
My father hurt me so badly. After 6 months, I reached out and said, I'm I want to have a good loving relationship with you. He said " Do whatever you want, you have nothing to be hurt about." And that's it. I thought to myself I'm going 100% no contact, it's just so hard because after time you think he's a normal human but to realize he really has no emotions , his only emotion is for HIMSELF.
This is *right* on time. Thank-you for this video, Dr. Ramani. I needed it today. 🧡
Now let’s just see if I can get through it without getting triggered. 😔
Thank you for this. I have avoided calling either of my parents for months. And I was the "golden child" who while held up as thek shining example to my siblings of how they should be, so they resented me, but also completely devalued because I could never be good enough either. Mother's and Father's days always leave me feeling guilty because I have no desire to interact with them and don't call them. Thank you for supporting these good choices for ourselves.
I went low contact again with my enabling father....growing up he was loving and gentle, but also toxically positive, Pollyanna world views, used a lot of spiritual bypassing and basically drafted me into being parentified, into emotionally parenting the narcissist in the house. He craves validation from the narcissists in his life more than he wants to be brave for me, the truth is something he finds too hard.
He finally got out of denial long enough to acknowledge the abuse, but he made the choice to recommit again to my narcissistic mother...and I started seeing the signs. Everytime he slips backwards he starts to devalue my emotions ---"You can't expect perfection from people," "it's my journey, I could leave her tomorrow or 20 years from now and you have to be OK with that," "I miss when you were a little girl," "you have to let it go, it's in the past," etc., slowly starting to scapegoat my emotions again --- and I just realized I didn't deserve to run on the narcissistic hamster wheel with him. I was starting to have recurrent panic attacks with him back in my life, because I was starting to see my abuser's manipulation work on him. And that my role as scapegoat is so entrenched in his brain that if I spend any time around him it allows him to subtlely shift blame onto me, labeling my normal emotions as the problem, instead of facing his own shame and discomfort.
I feel so sad and there's so much grief, but i know neither of us will make any progress unless he is not in my life, he needs to face this on his own, i am not gonna face the heat for him anymore
👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💖
My heart aches for the young people still in a dependent state to their narcissist fathers. Please believe that his neglect or abuse is not your fault. It's a crappy fact that not everyone who has a child is a good parent. Be kind to yourself all you sweet people who carry the emotional weight of someone else's baggage. You are not alone, we are legion, and you don't deserve what you are dealing with.
Father golden child brother . Brother had issues from that passed on to marrying controlling narc wife . They had everything but real love . I suspect father didn't get real love from mother. Appears to be a cycle that repeats . I withdrew from family . Became a loner within family and definition out in the world . Dr Ramani you have brought me such awareness. With you honesty , of coarse .
Happy Father’s Day to all the incredible dads and all you single mom’s playing both roles myself included 💓💓YOU ALL ROCK 💝 Thank you Dr. Ramani for making my Father’s Day💗💗Sending love to all
My mother is a covert narcissistic psychopath and I developed post traumatic stress from her abuses. My body and brain produces lots of stress and fear when my traumas are activated. My sleep and appetite gets stopped totally and I feel extremely sick. So how can i feel better and gain appetite and sleep back and heal from ptsd??
Thank Doctor Ramani. My father was a neglectful abusive alcohol lying cheating narc ahole, who someday somehow i will have to learn to forgive. As a man age 53, I'm only beginning to heal. It was and is devastating to my ruined life. But at least this knowledge is now being figured out by all these people sharing it online. Happy Father's Day to all my dads I never had: Jordan Peterson, Tom Leykis, Nick Keomahavong, Surving Narcissism channel, et al.
I did something radical. I forgave everybody so that i can put all their abuse in the past. Dont forget you have been given a gift…the rest of your life can be happy and fulfilling precisely because the toxic person is gone and can never hurt you again. Good luck, this is hard stuff to deal with.
Peterson?????
@@lynndenault2133 yes many men have credited him for being a father figure and even preventing them from committing suicide.
Hello uk7769. I’m sorry to hear of your history and your suffering. I’m 54, the son of a malignant narcissist and of course my life has largely been an indescribable hell. I didn’t so much as forgive him, but I learned to understand that he’s incredibly ill and people that have that illness do what they do. I learned to look at his behavior not as a reflection of me, but a reflection of himself. I accepted that there is no changing of the past, no recovery of the losses, no justice. I saw that if I didn’t accept these things that I wouldn’t live much longer. So I haven’t forgiven, but more importantly I have simply accepted. There is nothing to do but start from the present moment and not look back. You are NOT your history, you are NOW and will always be that. Life is precious beyond description and life wants you. I wish you all the courage and love that this universe has to offer.
Post script: I ceased contact three years ago.
Thank you so much for your insight. Just remember: it's okay not to forgive.
Some people just don't deserve forgiveness. Not to forgive is not the same as holding a grudge. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, so don't feel burdened by yet another obligation.
Good luck in your healing, and i agréé with you, Dr C deserves a Happy Father's Day!
I was just dreading it (introvert in process of gathering energy for the day ) wondering WHAT to do so his feelings aren’t hurt and this came up so grateful thank you! An additional thank you to the dads out there who are men, doing the hard work even if they don’t have that safe environment in their own fathers - thank YOU for your perseverance and strength to grow strong despite obstacles or fear of failure , basically thank you for your vulnerability and COURAGE (Brene brown- u can’t have courage without vulnerability) !!!
Thank you for your message today. It hit home in many different ways. Thank you for providing this community with consistent guidance and such incredible loving support.
Hear hear!
I havent really talked to my dad in almost a year now. Other than trying to bait me with harsh words, yelling, or flipping me off is the only contact we’ve had. I used to look upto him, until I got older and saw him for what he is. Yes days like this bring about certain emotions, but I know in my heart one day I will be a great father and that gives me hope.
Not only are those days difficult, but selecting any kind of greetings card for them for whatever occasion (in the days when one did) …!
Yes…you are absolutely right! I took my life back ,healed and forgave him a long time ago and we don’t live in the same country which is very helpful, because I know I can’t be around him for too long but I still communicate with him every so often by text or phone call like you said if that’s what I want to do ❤️
You are like a divine person in my life Dr Ramani, I can't explain and express how much I am grateful to you, I am following you since 2018, and every video of yours gives me the power and strength to hold my mental stability and live under my toxic parents, especially my narcissistic father until I get financially independent and get out of here, can't explain the mental torture and pain I have been suffering from 25 years of my life, where I also attracted a neglectful boyfriend and fallen into depression for 3 years, battled with it all alone but with a lot of help from my siblings and friends and you, and your videos. Can't thank you enough.🙂❤
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All the Love in the World to You Sweetheart. I can't work out the emojis but if I could I'd send loads of hearts, too :)))
@@iloverods7476 💖💜💖💜💖💜💖💜💖💜💖 (there you go) 😊
I feel I learned more about the dynamic of my father when I split completely with my family. My mother was the main abuser in my family, but my dad enabled her to do so even after his death last year. When he died she unleashed a torrent of hell on me and my family. I mean Cops, vandalism charges, and a restraining order on me. Even though I had not seen or spoke to them in three years. I have made so many mistakes as a father myself, but I've gone back and admitted my wrongs and have worked hard at changing these these things with my wife and my kids. I don't want to be like my parents at all and I keep that in mind most days to keep me on track. I beat myself up a lot from all the harm I felt I caused over the last 20 years. If it wasn't for my kids and wife reminding me every now and then that I'm not my parents and I have changed my ways for better that I feel I'm possibly being the man to them that I want to be. Which is honest, generous, loving, empathic and warm so they don't experience what I went through as a son of very sick people. to those that have survived through all the trauma and my heart goes out to you. Props to the dad's that are good hearted dad's. I do wish you a wonderful day.
To everybody watching this. DONT EVER CHOOSE A PARTNER WHO TREATS YOU THE WAY YOUR FATHER DID. Also, the traditional home like she was talking about isn't an unhealthy thing, in fact you can have that in a HEALTHY way.
One of the important things in my recovery from many things regarding mental health, including this particular aspect, narcissism and narcissistic abuse issues, is dealing with the sense of grief that would be easy to avoid previously in my life. My experience is that in acknowledging my loss and grief in relationships, whether the people are alive or deceased, represented an essential part of my healing, recovery, health, wellness and wholeness. Anger was easy to come by and feel. Sadness and grief were not for me. I had to get underneath the protective anger and begin really grieving when those feelings of sadness and loss came up. I joke and tell my friends that I have cried my way to mental health! I feel better as a result, I freed up mental space, memories and feelings processed and then I felt lighter, clearer, more mentally healthy. I lost weight! I lost burdens and bondage. All because I allowed myself to feel my grief and sadness how ever much at a time I could. It became easier and easier, and the results were nothing short of miraculous. Part of my childhood traumatic experience was putting on the face of stoicism. It was a protective mechanism to cope with an impossible set of situations as a child. As an adult, it was maladaptive and needed to be addressed. It was a process, but in dealing with grief, sadness and crying my buckets of tears, I have a fuller range of emotions. My emotional life came out of Black and White and went to Color pictures. I was transformed. I wasn't afraid anymore that I couldn't turn off the faucet of tears anymore exactly when I needed to. I was in contol of the regulation of emotions because I stopped allowing the build-up of emotions which weren't released. I released the pressure of the tears and sadness, and I got great clarity, peace and sanity. Everyone has their journey, but this was essential for mine. By the way, Social Media is not real life. Virtual reality is not reality. Watch your influences of anything outside yourself and use some common sense. Much of it is hype, advertising and nonsense. Don't be fooled. Spend more time in real activities, real relationships, real conversations.Get away from the screens and into a world you create in reality. Don't measure your insides by someone else's outsides, the outsides aren't usually exactly the truth. Facebook is much of the time Fakebook. Just a bit of friendly advice. Love to all! Great video.
Thank you for validating how destructive and toxic narcissistic fathers are. They traumatize every aspect of your life. I’m still recovering years after his death.
Thank you Dr Ramani. Happy Father's Day to you as well. Through your videos, I have learned radical acceptance with the man that donated his DNA to make me. Yes, I will call out of obligation, but knowing he will never be there for me as a father.. I took myself and my dog for a hike in a lovely park - Happy Father's Day to us!
I've been close to tears all day, even though I have been "no contact" for 2 years. My husband and I are in a "remarriage" situation. His children were from a previous marriage and my children are from a former marriage. I wasn't invited to my husband's adult child's house today. So, I was sad, now I'm angry.
A friend said, "You weren't supposed to fit into THEIR mold, anyway". 💥 Changed my mindset today. You added another level of understanding, Thank You Dr Ramani!! Saved to watch EVERY "Father's Day".
Also to the single momma's who have to be both Mom and Dad, I say Happy Father's Day to you too!
a father is supposed to be your first friend.. so starting with that template sucks...
also its a mindfuck dealing with any authorative figure... It took me so long to accept authority or just stop undermining these relationships..
its a set up for a bad time.
I celebrate fathersday now in my way... I accepted God as my father (its done wonders for this.. accepting a higher power and me being pwerless... and being safe.. and trusting the world and myself)
ty for this video!! felt very good to hear
Happy Fathersday! ❤❤
Thank you for this, and all your videos!! I was just remembering it was Father’s Day when the video notification came up. I know I’ll get chastised for not wishing my NPD abusive father a happy Father’s Day or not making it grand enough or whatever, but the way that man disgusts me. Won’t let me see my sisters since coming out as trans 3 years ago, told me he wouldn’t care if I was dead more than once, but I’m still what feels like required to praise him and “everything he has done for me”. It’s so confusing and painful.
Dr. Romana's advice is the best. I have learned so much from her video's.
My father wasn't narcissistic, however my daughter's father is and he successfully alienated my beautiful daughter and now my grandson's.
Father's everywhere must live up to what's best for children, not your selfishiness.
My narcissistic grandfather (may he rot in a very dark place) turned my mother into a narcissist ...
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
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PS: Happy Father's Day to all good and loving fathers out there.
You, Dr. Ramani, are the therapist everyone needs. Thank you for teaching me.
thank you for this. i am for the first time ever taking a month off from any contact my N father. dealt with the ensuing flying monkeys. it is a remarkably caretaking step forward and what a relief.
That takes courage!
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i couldn't have done it without this community:) i stand on your shoulders:) this is the only grp of people who would know what a victory this IS!
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for reassuring and comforting us whilst going through the same emotions yourself ❤
a HUGE BREAK THROUGH for myself was a hypnotic regression and rebirthing of my young self, to my adult self. After that I banished the NARC from my life and got disinherited...And such GOOD RIDDANCE!!!
The sad thing about a narcissistic mental disorder is that they are not in touch with reality so they are essentially going crazy which is why they gaslight. Best thing is to go no contact and stay strong, the longer you go the easier it gets, it’s all about healing your inner child and giving yourself the love you deserve. ❤️ you can’t change other people, but you can protect yourself with going no contact. ❤️
I refuse to reach out to any of the many "Fathers" my mom tried to make work. And it makes me feel so appreciative of the father of my child 🥲 the most beautiful person I could imagine creating life with. I don't know how I got so lucky, being that no "father" I ever had was a healthy person.
Thank you for making this video on such a complicated day for many people. You make so many people feel valid and grounded in their experiences. You're an amazing and important person.
Thank you, Dr. Ramini. My father was not a narcissist, I was so lucky to have a kind, loving, engaged, smart, supportive father. I lost so much when he died suddenly when I had just turned 15. That is the pivotal occurrence in my life. How different my life would have been without that trauma, and then having to take care of my covert narcissist mother for the next 27 years. It's her birthday today, so today is a double whammy for me. Thanks for reminding me to do something nice for myself today!
Please report this comment. Do not reply to it! Dr Ramani has cautioned about an impersonator. Thank you.
After some time, we're no longer the kids they knew and we'd realize that having a blood relation with someone doesn't make it a lifetime obligation to stay connected with our family. The more we let ourselves get near the people who traumatized us and not tell them how they've wronged us, the longer the struggle will be. Feeling bad for standing up for ourselves is their way of manipulating us. We don't need them, sure we need to acknowledge their existence and respect them the best way we can but we don't need them. Remember that.
This is exactly how I feel today: I do not want to talk to my narcissistic father, but I will try to care for my children and support them the best I can.
You are clearly not a narcissist. The children in my life have offered me healing through loving and validating them, it felt like I was sending love and validation to part of my wounded self. Cheers to you!💖
I’ve watched several of your videos about narcissistic parents and they have confirmed everything I knew and given me new information. My sister has almost zero relationship with our father and I have unfortunately been living with mine for over a decade. I’ve gaslighted myself many times out of guilt and too often been baited into conflict. Today this all changes. Moving away will unfortunately take time and I don’t think I’ll be able to have next to no contact like my sister, but I’m not playing these games anymore. I don’t care how much he rages and pouts and victimizes himself!