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Dr. Ramani, I love your work! I attended this workshop and watched your interview with Dr. Freyd. The statements about we empaths, codependents…whatever we are labeled… simply loving lifted my shame. I realized the love that I gave during my nearly 5-year relationship with a narcissist was taken for granted and there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I will, however, continue to educate myself in identifying “unsafe people” so as to avoid another abusive relationship like this moving forward. Thank you for educating us!
I’ve been betrayed by so many in such harsh ways that when I come across a kind stranger for a brief moment, I eventually wind up tearing up. So embarrassing.
Yep, or my insecurities accidentally slip out and the stranger is confused why I feel this way. Like I thought I was hideously ugly. When I took my pic for my ID badge for work. And I jokingly said I hated it and that I was horrible looking. They were seriously looking confused and saying what?! Why do you think that that pic is beautiful. When you’ve traumatised by almost every person that has been close to you starting with family, friends, and almost every parent, it breaks your inner views on the world. Don’t get me wrong evil people far exceeds the good, but when you do come across that one good person, you feel like they see you and that they are not going to hurt you in some way
It's beautiful you can still see the good in others. It doesn't have to be a liability if you do the hard work in learning how to set and firmly hold boundaries because you deserve to have your goodness protected
@@Annakneedtunobasis You can forgive a scorpion for stinging you, but it remains a scorpion and will sting you again. You don't need to get angry at the scorpion when you get stung. It's your fault for letting the scorpion get close. If you pick up the drowning scorpion from water to save it, it will still sting you again and remain ungrateful for what you did. You would save the scorpion regardless. You shouldn't get angry and toss it back into the water. You be human. Let the scorpion be a scorpion. ( This is based on a story about a swami, on the Ganges river that saved a scorpion from drowning and got repeatedly stung in the process).
@@Annakneedtunobasis , It's an analogy. A human being is not expected to live with and co-parent with a scorpion. You are meant to do that with another human. Once you realize you are married to and living with a scorpion, you need to start treating it for what it is. It was your mistake to treat the scorpion as though it was human. The key take away (for me) , is not not start acting like and behaving like the scorpion. This is the main issue with reactive abuse. When you start to act like a scorpion, because you are fed up and frustrated and hurt. taking the higher road is difficult. It is easier said that done. (I know, because I battle with it and I often fail )
The truth is that they do actually feel love for you, but they don't have the object constancy to sustain in it. It may be real in the moment, but when you not there, it's like you never existed.
@AmandaHugenkiss96 I don't think they have the slightest understanding of love or the ability to feel it. They're all excited because you're a new source of supply and they love bomb, as Dr. Ramani sayes. Then they suddenly get distracted, treat.you cruelly, and run on to someone else. It is devastating to realize there was no love in the 1st place. It makes you feel used, inhuman, not capable of being loved, entirely lost and alone.
The sad thing is the narcissist probably was raised without love so he/she has not experienced love and therefore does not know how to love. Their entire lives are loveless and they hurt the very ones who would love to shower love upon them for the first. They don’t know what to do or how to act. So many people hurt who were created for love. Sad!
@@katiedid8192 Some narcissist maybe, but there's also tons of them that grew up in loving households. Most of that stuff about their childhoods is just a way for them to rationalize their selfishness and abuse.
It’s falling in love with someone that never existed I find the hardest part. It almost seems pointless but hurts so much. The way their mask falls when they no longer need you is shocking. They go from almost obsessed to stone cold. That betrayal is harsh.
I’m going through the exact same thing I’m completely devastated. I’m finding it hard to believe. I’m not even sure how to feel now. Can’t get u out of my head. It’s so surreal like it’s not happening to me …second time it happened to completely different people SMH
I need to provide my coherent narrative to my daughter and sons and listen to them, helping them develop their own. I believe that they deserve the option of not engaging in the same behavior or being the victim of the same behavior.😢😅😮❤
If you would dupe or betray a person who trusts you, that doesn't have anything to do with them being a fool. It means that they trusted you more than you deserved to be trusted.
I don't think it would be possible for me to like this comment enough. They think they are so clever and smart because our trust in them created openings they could exploit to do us harm, but trusting another person is totally about being vulnerable to them, trusting that they won't take advantage of you in bad ways. We were doing what we were supposed to be doing if we had been fortunate enough to be with good, healthy people - the type of people who don't betray trust like that. That they betrayed our trust shows something seriously wrong with them. Sadly. 🙁
@@CarolinaCarolina-ph9mx Yes. I think at the very least, it's a problem in their character and moral compass. Or, it's a deeper, more serious inner defect. Especially if they get enjoyment from duping others.
Here it is 6 years later, after my separation from a clinically diagnosed malignent narcissist with a sexual addiction and addiction to adrenalin highs, and I am finally starting to emerge from my cocoon. It's been a tough process, but it is possible to heal. I have many triggers but I recognize what they are and quickly remove myself from the situation. My prayer is for you who are suffering. Please love yourself enough to leave. It took 34 years for me to decide it was either stay with him and die a slow death from the inside out, or get the devil out of my life. 🙏🙏🙏
34 years? Wow. I'm cant even fathom that. I knew my malignant narcissist for or 20 but we were romantically involved for about 2 years and after like 3 months or so it turned into a living hell of abuse on every level. She is an alcoholic to the most extreme and said she would get help or change or stop drinking as much but that would happen for a couple days and then BAM right back to the drinking, lying, cheating, and beating. I finally left. Still in mourning. It's sad to think that sometimes I feel like if I could have stayed I would have just turned a blind eye to it all to be with that person but divine intervention happened with her child. He no longer liked me anymore because she would go to jail for beating me and I would go to the hospital and he was too young to understand all of this and I had her friend and her mother working against me filling up this little kids heart with rage against me saying oh you're mom loves her more than you. It was sick and twisted because I loved that child like my own. Oh well the universe stepped in and said that is enough because I was really going to start a life in a other state with her working and living together and she would have had all my money and the time to go out and cheat on me and abuse me and potentially cost me my life. So even though I have dreams about her still and it's been almost 2 months of no contact and she's blocked me everywhere and I've done the same. 4 days after I was gonna she had who she was cheating with just move in with her pretty much and they got matching tattoos lol.... We were going to get matching ones and I screened shot the conversation with her and I sharing my screen on what we should get. It's incredibly cruel what she did to me when I discarded after I found videos and pictures on her phone proving that she was cheating on me and telling this other person she loved them but then literally saying I'm her soulmate. So yeah that probably didn't feel good to her so on top of the matching tattoos she took pictures of them kissing and going out and how much she loves him and how much her loves her and how much they're soulmates. She posts so much about being so happy it's so over board and so I just deleted social media and told everyone to please stop sending me stuff I don't care about it anymore. It's actually quite tragic. I could never imagine being with anyone right now. Where is the growth in that if you can't be alone with your hurt and pain. My aunt died too and I went through surgery this is probably the lowest I've ever been in my entire life and her life according to Facebook is just so magical now and her one friend who hated me said how she sparkles again. Like hmmmmmmmm ..... So yeah..... When going no contact get off of social media, stay in therapy or get a therapist. Start doing healthy things, having healthy hobbies, go out and rediscover yourself and you'll attract the right people. I honestly am not there physically or emotionally yet but I know I will be. It's hard. So 34 years of it. I really applaud you. Please please live the rest of your years like you're gonna die every day. You are a prisoner of war and deserve a medal. We all deserve medals for dealing with this sick people. Stay strong. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you.... I really hope you're at that radical acceptance but the stages of grief are not linear. One day you think you're good and then you have dreams about them and that can throw off a whole day. You will strive to love yourself . And I know we all like to say we want to be alone when it first happens but I do believe our person is out there just waiting for us to get healthy and connect. Thanks for staying strong in this lifetime. ❤
I’m screwed. Both my parents were narcissistic and even psychopaths, my two siblings also turned out like that. This pattern has followed me my whole life also with friends and boyfriends. I am definitely a survivor. I’m broke now but after all I’ve broke the pattern just by becoming a psychologist, having a bachelor degree in comparative literature together, yoga teacher and all the other courses I took to educate myself. They have nothing. But not only that - I manage to stay sane and empathetic and loving and LONGING FOR LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING AS I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN LOVE. Even though I’m alone and I’ve been alone my whole life, God was with me. I never became evil and vicious. It’s a miracle.
Me too. My family was like a horror story and I've spent my adult life striving to re - raise myself. College degrees, self improvement books, psychotherapy, classes, studying Carl Yung and individuation. I used to be a yoga instructor too! But alas, I've always ended up with narcissistic friends and relationships. Just like my family. Don't know how to break that curse. All my studying has helped me to understand and comprehend, but it ultimately doesn't change. I bounce between depression and hate-filled anger. The latter is unbearable. Being alone is a relief. People are exhausting. Their outsides don't match their insides and it is always instantly obvious to me. It is draining to have to play dumb. But would be cruel to tell them I'm on to them.
@@patriciaberliner8050 good luck and mute the notifications from the people who don’t value you. They aren’t worth the time. You should be proud of yourself.
@patriciaberliner8050 I would love to have a connection with you! I have a very similar experience. My whole life has been filled with narcissists, and relationships with them are incredibly painful and abusive. My mother, husband, and friendships. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm working on healing. Please reach out if you'd like to.
@jennifergodwin29 I’ve definitely struggled with this because I felt there was little signs I ignored and if I had been more conscious I would have saved myself so much pain
You are such an angel to those who have gone through this! Mine started in infancy , I tried to get help to no avail. I am now 70, the only way to feel safe is to be alone. I appreciate you so much!❤
Also me and I am now 70. No way am I letting them win by not being me and seeing other people. I just get rid of the ones who are rubbish really early these days, if I recognise it early enough. If I suspect them I test them with something only a narcissist would do in response, sorts them out nicely. There are nice people out there what have you got to lose by trying, so you’ll be on your own again, and you are okay with that anyway. ❤
35 here thanks to Dr Ramani I started to notice the patterns and I'm still co depending on the toxic ones but at least I don't have as many negative thoughts and moods... Getting free 1% every day
Exactly. They lifted the weight of the secret they were carrying an put it on you but in their mind they are “coming clean because it’s the right thing“.
My husband of 33 years, pretending to be a family man, ran a church, was living a whole double life of the worse kind that I knew nothing about. It's the element of being blindsighted that is trauma betrayel.
@@mariajames-thiaw5797THIS. I have been tangled up and suffocating in the unfortunate trauma web my husband grew up in and brought into our marriage (unbeknownst to me). I, too, brought a tangled web in, but -not to sound biased, just honest- mine was not nearly as cruel and toxic. Yes, we have both been up to terrible coping strategies, but I have been working on mine for years, and he knew of mine when we got married. Theeeeres a big detail there.
@Karenellisbrown8169 It has to be the ultimate betrayal; to think that you have a honorable husband in the Lord, but he turns out to be the complete opposite. A supposed “man of the cloth”, and he turns out to be, basically, a devil or evil spirit. The betrayal is a double whammy to the spouse of a pastor. Someone once reminded me during an especially difficult time that God loved me, that I was light and that I was love. and never to forget that. I share that with you tonight. Keep moving forward, sister and try not to look back, only continue to walk into a brighter future! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Betrayal is like pouring a bucket load of salt into a wound caused by someone else. The ability of people to do such despicable acts of cruelty to another person and then denies all accountability leaves the betrayed person in even worse life changing horrific circumstances that others will not believe or see, further invalidating the betrayed person and nobody cares at all.
Trust and loyalty is the rock we stand on in relationships. Betrayal is like having the ground under your feet disappear ... After they told you it was rock solid... And you gets blamed for it.
I have looked at this entire relationship now as a learning experience. Not only did I learn what kind of evilness is in this world, but also that I was deceived into sleeping with the enemy. No contact is not only for our sanity, but also for your safety. Protect yourself against hoovers. That is when they are pissed that they couldn't take us down the first time. You can watch all the true crime shows and see bits of them in the ones that come back years later and murder people. They can't let go because they have no sense of time.
Betrayal by a parent is so destabilizing. We have to find a way to take the life that was always meant to be ours. We don't belong to anyone. This is our life and I finally know I don't have to feel guilty for living it. Thank you. ❤
For some people it's 2 steps forward one step back. For people who attract narcissists, it's 1 step forward 3 steps back. It seems like there everywhere.
When I became an adult I knew what behaviors/signs to be aware of because of the trauma in my childhood. I vowed to never let anyone "railroad" me ever again. I stand up to those who harm me or others. Those who are harmful don't like being called out. After calling them out I ask them to leave me or the victim alone, forever. Don't allow anyone who is harmful into your space, it is harmful to your health. Betrayal is hard to overcome because it is from with-in and is usually a trusted person in your circle. Unless they take accountability and are genuinely remorseful... I do the same thing and call them out. The message is the same "Stay away and don't come back into my life."
They are everywhere. It's estimated that they are 1/6th of the population. It's almost as though narcissism is not a disorder, but a common personality style.
I agree it’s the behaviour that’s betrayal. I can’t stand it when ‘life coaches’ and social media ‘gurus’ talk about oh it’s how you respond to an event that is the trauma. It’s like uh no, it’s not my ‘response’ , it’s their harmful behaviour. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
In a religious school we were taught there would not be a fight if we didn’t respond. This didn’t seem right but the turn the other cheek thing was put in front of you. I finally saw this as a lazy adult’s way to avoid the person who started the problem in the first place. It’s easier for them to handle a teachable cooperative person than the initiator who ignores the rules. I learned to hold back my response not because I thought I was morally superior than the rule breaker but because I didn’t want to be like them. You might take some blows that you shouldn’t behave had to take but you have your identity and integrity.
Nobody can MAKE YOU unhappy, angry, afraid, incompetent, without your permission. You are in control of your response/reaction, etc. I felt the way you do, but in time, realized your response is the only thing you can control. Don't be like them. Know who you are; be happy, confident, content, and you won't be triggered by the narc's behavior. They are sad/broken human beings and I think most are physically or psycologically harmed and they cannot change their behavior. Pity them. Don't rage at them like they rage at others. When you act like your enemy, you become what they are. The only way to eliminate your enemy, is to make them your friends..... and you know what your enemy is going to do; so keep a keen eye on your friends. Choose who you want to be.
Now that you mention it isn’t ’turn the other cheek’ the best advice when dealing with a Narcissist I.e. cut off supply ? Let God be judge and jury in his own good time. Hold your breath to ‘cool your porridge ’ and pray. 😂 🙏
Being born into a family with a narcissistic father and covert narcissistic mother, it has been a long road. The most painfful of all the betrayals was my only child. It took me over 30 years to accept he did not love me and had been acting. Then after 4-6 months, during which time neither he nor my grandchildren called me, I had a small heart attack from grief. I've given up a lot, grieved my losses, figured it out and have healed most of it! I'm proud to be a survivor!
Going through it with my son. He estranged with my little granddaughter, and I don’t even know how to locate him. And no, I don’t have any personality disorders. Just a mom grieving deeply.
I, too just had a heart attack related to grief from my son dying 2 1/2 months ago. My daughter who is in & out of my life. , walked out as soon as my son was pronounced dead , wouldn’t help spread his ashes… nothing .l didn’t see her again despite my begging after the death until l was brought into the ER this week due to the heart attack & because she was my emergency contact the hospital called her. She works in the same hospital. She is a PA there. She came by for a few minutes…. left… told her l had no one to feed my cat… said sorry… said l am leaving in the morning to go on trip for 5 days. I had to get an Uber to drive me home from the hospital upon discharge.She is the last family member l have left. She has to be narcissistic, right???💔 l feel like she betrayed me & my deceased son because while he was on life support she told him if he was ready to give up, it would be ok because she would take care of me! Am l out of my mind with grief or is she betraying us in a huge way. No offer to stock fridge with groceries… pick up Rx’s…. zero 💔😢
This is perfectly said. After a 24 year relationship and 3 beautiful girls, the relationship endured many betrayals, lies, future faking etc. At this time I had never heard the word narcissist. He met a Prostitute and began an exclusive romantic relationship with her. She now gets all of his earnings for phone sex and sex talk although she is in another country and his children are now totally neglected while he transfers money to her on a weekly basis and at the same time tells them he has no money. This is so painful after he continues to say to his children how much he loves them. I held true to the relationship and was so surprised to know all the things I discovered he was doing over the years. How could someone be this awful?? 😮😮 I am deflated and I feeling helpless because I am not employed and do not have any means of income. Today is my first daughter's birthday 🎉 and it is so hard. So yes what is owed or belongs to his children is now going to someone who i think has no right to it. Betrayal indeed
Saying “we are never responsible for our own betrayal” is so powerful and necessary for healing. People need to be seen, heard, understood, their experiences validated. Even therapists can skip this part and jump to making it about you and where you went wrong etc
So true They said it happened but now you must focus on healing They add we can’t change that it happened Like literally forcing you to oppress it And they believe it’s the best way to move on🙄🙄🙄🙄
I hate that this pain is so unbearable I want to unalive myself to stop the pain. She kept asking to be in my life. All while breaking my spirits and boundaries and lying and gaslighting. She kept making me feel like I was the sole reason why we couldn’t make things work, when in reality she’s was the reason we couldn’t work. Everytime her lies, double life, would catch up to her she would gaslight me into thinking it was my fault. All I was ever guilty of was loving her. She made me feel like the worst person ever.
Before watching this, I could only think of one betrayal. But now... I realize I have been betrayed by all my narcissists in my life.... all of them.... and it has shaped me gravely.
@EvelynBenmergui1 It is treason too when social services uses public state funding to pay those who betray children and parents as their vulnerable victims in juvenile court. These attorneys paid by governmental departments of children and families with public money, so it's treason as a state matter when attacking and betraying vulnerable innocent civilians.
In narcissistic families, we get habituated to accept blame for things other people do. Until we heal this distorted thinking and the deep wounds it creates, we are very vulnerable to further narcissistic abuse.
"The duties of a parent are to keep a child safe, loved, nurtured, seen, heard. That's the duties! And if a parent isn't doing that, then they are not fulfilling the responsibilities of that relationship." Exactly!
I understand what you mean for sure. We can still heal with God who is ever-permanent and always more ever-powerful than the devil. Much Love and Light to you💞🌞🙏🏼😇🕊️💫
My narc ex has never known his why, refusing to recognise the devil in his life that caused it all. I tend to face problems and their causes head-on and deal with them if I possibly can, and he thought this was just a terrible thing to do.
In November I experienced something very traumatizing that made me incapable of falling asleep without the lights on and a background sound that reminds me that I´m safe. I had already started watching your youtube videos during Covid, since they were helping me make sense of the relationship I was in and had been in for 7 years already. Your videos helped me understand and ultimately get out. :) Since I had been watching your videos, they have now become the soothing background sound so I can feel safe and fall asleep. I just want to thank you for the work you do. It has made such a difference in my life.
I understand the background noise thing. I have something going almost 24/7 now. Keeps me from too much "thinking" about everything. And I'm learning so much I missed learning earlier in life.
I hope you are ok. It's very difficult after a relationship with a narcissist. There are many of us going through that and have had similar trauma related experiences like you have. Its just your brain trying to make sense of it all. Be kind to and patient with yourself.
I felt the same way at the end of a 27-year marriage. I did something that I talked about doing a lot while married - i went back to college to finish getting my degree. I was in college, attending evening classes when I met the ex, and didn't go back because we got pregnant within a few short months of being married. He was intentional in starting the family because he knew he'd have more control over me. Going back to college was the best thing I ever did for myself. Find something you've always wanted to do or seek out a new goal hobby.
Only someone that has gone through this will be able to understand the damage. Thank you for sharing your experience of having trust issues. It validates your teachings.
Thank you for saying being screamed at is a betrayal. I have expressed this before to family members who yell and they don’t get it. Total violation of trust and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
This video really hit hard. I was the problem child who was scapegoated, thrown to the wolves by my own parents. I was brainwash to think their betrayals were all my fault, their failed marriage and anything else that they didnt want to take responsibility for. I grew up trained to fix and serve, never to have a self, its how I survived hell, how dare I have a voice. They let me live ...
My narcissistic ex didn't cheat or mess with my money. He definitely betrayed me though - he future faked so skillfully that I believed him with my entire heart. I wanted to be loved so badly that i believed all of the love bombing with my entire soul. He absolutely betrayed me because he lied to me. And yes, it's ABSOLUTELY trauma.
When I think of the word betrayal my first thought is "deception." Because those who betray you are usually the people you would never expect to, the ones you hold closest, and that is why it hurts so much. It also makes you doubt if you really knew them at all. It can make you doubt everything about your relationship with them. Edited for spelling :p
To me betrayal occurs when two people stop being emotionally vulnerable with each other. There is a point in every narcissistic relationship subtly shuts down and shuts you out between lovebombiny and devaluing. That subtle shift and shutdown between the lovebombing and the devalue to me is the betrayal. That is what makes love bombing so nefarious imo.
What a magnificent statement! “We Are Never Responsible For Our Own Betrayal.” This mantra is distilled to a core essence, the truth, and the emotional freedom, we give ourselves on our path of perpetual improvement. WOW! If words can be a magic wand that works in reality, then Dr Ramani you have just shared another golden nugget of wisdom. Our lives are richer bc of you. Thank you Dr Ramani you are one in a million! 🎉💜😎
Its a fine line between not blaming self yet taking responsiblity to healing ones self and seeing why you didn't see it to preventing it in the future.
Growing up with Narcissistic parents, getting into relationships with narcissists, I always blame myself for being betrayed. Thank you so much for this episode, Dr Ramani! “I didn’t do the betraying.”
I feel the same! My parents were/are narcissists and every guy I've been with was too! I didn't realize my husband was until recently... I injured my ankle and had to have surgery... that's when he was done with me... told me he no longer loved me and that I wasn't good enough for him.... I started seeing all the things that I had been blind to for years... it's still hurts though
When people put the responsibility/blame of us being betrayed onto our shoulders and not onto the shoulders of those who committed those actions of betrayal
I needed to learn why I got caught up in it. I went from narc parents to narc partners, married one, had kids, escaped, felt bad so I gave him the house, ended up with another one. I've had to create an identity from scratch, I've never had one, never had needs cos my needs have never been met, so I do need to examine that relationship. I am only starting to live at the age of 59. Thank you for your videos.
I’ve watched this video 3 times but I finally heard you Dr Ramani “stop making it about them how did it impact you?” I stopped the video to think about it. Thank you…
So easy to feel responsible when the immediate response from society is to make you feel responsible. There is that deeply held part of the human psyche that turns to victim blaming. It's even in our adages: "What did I/she/he do to deserve that? Must have done something wrong" and "it must be karma from a former life," and so on.
My first word for Betrayal was, "Violation" (of trust.) It's shocking, deeply painful and mind-blowing. I came home and found out that my live-in boyfriend had moved out secretly without one word, right after we had signed a year lease together on a one-bedroom apt. He didn't care that I couldn't afford it by myself, or that my worst fear was to become homeless. If that wasn't enough of a punch in the gut, I also found his scathing 7-page letter telling me all the things he didn't like about me. (Very courageous - he couldn't tell me any of this in person.) I had to rent out the bedroom and sleep in my living room to survive that year. It's funny but when I saw the empty apartment, my first thought was, "We've been robbed." But then I realized it was just his stuff that was gone, and my second thought was, "I'm sure he did me a big favor." He did.
You’re amazing. You helped me through not only dealing with my mother years ago who is a covert narcissist, but helping me help my father a few years ago with his divorce from her following my eldest brother’s suicide. My eldest brother literally and figuratively pulled the trigger that FINALLY allowed me, my father, and another brother to reclaim our lives. You gave me the clarity and validation of what I have known, watched, and experienced since I was a little girl. I’m now 57. You are a big reason why I am still here and able to heal. You are the reason I finally love myself and no longer question my reality. My own children have benefitted from this clarity. God bless you, Dr. Ramani.
When I think of betrayal I remember when my husband cheated on me via Facebook & dating sites on his phone. He said he was just having fun, then said that all these females were his cousins.
I’m on my long road of healing and one of the most helpful things (aside from finding Dr. Ramani), was making a friend who also suffers from narc abuse. Having a close friend who gets it and can validate your experience is incredibly healing! Going it alone it extremely hard because its so easy to second guess yourself. Narcissism is at epidemic levels and has poisoned our political system, work environments, schools, and so much more! Its so important to find someone who gets it!
Dr. Ramani, thank you so so much for expressing and exposing all the many specific LAYERS of narcissistic betrayal, the multiple levels of hurt upon hurt! Revealing that this actually happens helps us realise we’re not going crazy because we don’t know where to start. We’re not going crazy when we can’t explain it because other people are going through this too and therapists as you can see it, identify it and call it out as a real thing
To think that I was told that people who have first-hand experience overcoming an issue (ie. narcissistic abuse, anxiety) couldn't make good therapists. What a lie I was told! Thank you, Dr. Ramani for sharing this invaluable information.
Absolutely. And what's interesting here is that those closest to me or those involved with my mother's estate and a trust fund for me absolutely do not see their own betrayal, lies, deceptions, and horrible games. Those closest to me don't recognize things I have mentioned to them as Betrayals. You have mentioned things in this video as betrayal that should be a clear reality. And you are absolutely right about the behaviors can be the worse part of it. Questioning your own reality. Stalking and threatening behaviors. Laughing about it as you find out some of the truths or express your pain, confusion and frustration and they laugh. Painful dismissal that is very abusive. Admitting it was done to you and laughing and smiling about it as you discover what's happened. It's horribly abusive. That contamination takes you to shame and blame as though you deserved it? It's horrible.
happy birthday Mama Ramani. Starting to be my old self after being separated for almost 6 months but i'm still seeking love and affection like never before and i finaly realized why. I was never truly loved by anyone. Most of my ex's had Narcs behaviours, my 15 years wife is a covert, my mother and her family all narcs, my father and grand mother never showed love or affection...took me 46 years to realize it and it hit hard. I guess i wasn't born to be loved by anyone so i took the decision to stay single for the rest of my life. it's the only sure way i can't be abuse and manipulated and betrayed again over the cost of being love even if i crave it.
This is sad. I know it's hard to trust again but instead of becoming a hermit you can learn how to read people better and find empaths who will love you for who you are.
Learn to love and trust yourself,be good to you. I've heard and am starting to believe healing is possible when you love yourself first. I'm one year free from him but still working on the voice in my head slow going but vi will get there. I'm so worth it and you all are as well. Sending you all airhugs o f positive loving energy
Happy late birthday mama 🎉 thank you for giving us your daughter, she is truly a big part of my life and is helping me through one of the toughest times in my life.. God bless and thank you Dr Ramani
@@amberinthemist7912it's called parental alienation. The narcissist parent shifts blame onto the victim parent and thus basically brainwashes the children to blame the victim parent. Dr Ramani addresses this in this video. Listen again.
As a society we have been trained to see ourselves thru others eyes and we have no idea who we are thru our own eyes, hence loss of soul connection. I love the name of the book What You Think of Me is None of My Business. peace.
I have been betrayed so much by close important people in my life I feel constantly angry and don’t really trust anyone. But learning to mange that and harness it all for my greater good to focus on my life and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It's taken me 13 years to let go. And now that I know and revisit my past, it's still hard not to miss her. That's when I turn on these videos to remind myself it was never real. I'm now fighting for my rights and my sons rights to see him. She has denied him from me since he was 1. She said she will do whatever it takes including lying, so I didn't ever see him. She hid the divorce for 12 years and would only send snippets of it and hid the area that stated we had 50 50. It's been 1 year 4 months suing her in court and sueng her to uphold the ruling. We are to have a trial by jury, and she has gone into hiding. She is in another country. I'll never see him. Is there an international human rights group? The sad part is that no psychologist ever tried to treat the issue. My lawyer said she sounds like a narcissist. So thats when I've done tons of research, and I might as well be a psychologist now. Keep spreading the word. There are still people around us every day who don't believe.
I am 82 years old and my life could be another book for you on life and consequences of life after a chronic narcissistic marriage, I've thought of writing a book on betrayal that is over the top, but I don't know how. Listening to you has hit home so closely, I wish you had been around when I was going through it. After leaving my 1st marriage I almost ruined my own life and it didn't stop for over 50 years. I'm so glad you are warning everyone now. You are amazing, and I thank you for what you have taught me.
My story is very long as well. I’m now realizing 58 years later that my high school love chose to betray me as he followed his dreams but never gave me up to this day although we each married others. I’ve allowed him to be comfortable with his one or two sentimental calls a year. I’m putting a stop to it and wish to God I’d done it years ago.
My wife had started spinning lies to our whole social group that I was abusing her well before I finally got the nerve to say I want a divorce. It's been 18 months, she still won't move out, I've lived in front of cameras 24/7 to protect myself from false assault charges, and she still won't move out. The fact that she spends 90% of the time with a "mutual friend" at his place, because she started dating him early last year. This guy was at our wedding. I knew him before she did. Yet I'm the social leper because of her lies, and will probably be alone until I die, while they both have been embraced as a couple by the entire group of people I thought were my friends.
This is so healing Thankyou I’m in the beginning of your book It’s Not You. I have been single and celibate for 23 years and couldn’t trustI I am now healing . From the bottom of my heart You are saving me and so many others
So many betrayals and the level of cruelty is astounding. He portrays himself on social media as such a supportive and spiritual person with focus on fitness. We would hike together occasionally and I was never fast enough, or good enough when all I wanted was to enjoy the journey. He convinced me to go on a 17 mile hike. It was my first time doing that amount of miles and at a fast pace. The last 5 miles were hard. I ran out of water and my legs were exhausted. I asked him for water and he denied that to me saying I should have planned better. The switchback at the end was difficult and my legs were failing. He left me there. I had embarrassed him. I was devastated that I would have to maneuver through this by myself. As my leg muscles were trembling and the lack of water added to my insecurities to be able to make it down the mountain and another 4 miles to go. I made it down but had to call for help once I was at the bottom. I was delivered home by EMT and he ignored me for a month after. Continuing to punish me for embarrassing him. This was supposed to be the person whom I could trust and count on. Clearly it was never reciprocated. Clearly not the persona he portrays on social media.
Yeah, I was basically ALONE with my mom for my first 7 years of life. She fed me but that was probably because she had to eat too. She rarely bathed me. When I was 6months old, she told me the pediatrician said I looked very very depressed, was not smiling or alert and he threatened cps. So she played and talked more with me. The betrayal was her decision to stay with my abuser after I told her he abused me. Devastating. She also told me she doesnt think of me as her daughter
![Is it Because of Me? [Healing From Betrayal Trauma]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/g_vvxaHHDVw/mqdefault.jpg)
![Is it Because of Me? [Healing From Betrayal Trauma]](/img/tr.png)
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Dr. Ramani, I love your work! I attended this workshop and watched your interview with Dr. Freyd. The statements about we empaths, codependents…whatever we are labeled… simply loving lifted my shame. I realized the love that I gave during my nearly 5-year relationship with a narcissist was taken for granted and there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I will, however, continue to educate myself in identifying “unsafe people” so as to avoid another abusive relationship like this moving forward. Thank you for educating us!
Which is the book of hers that I should start with? I'm still in the abuse due to financial devastation
@@cherdangelo2993 Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist. I preordered her new book as well.
No, it's not ramblong doc!
I’ve been betrayed by so many in such harsh ways that when I come across a kind stranger for a brief moment, I eventually wind up tearing up. So embarrassing.
me too
But then you're vulnerable all over again.....
So sorry for you
Yep, or my insecurities accidentally slip out and the stranger is confused why I feel this way. Like I thought I was hideously ugly. When I took my pic for my ID badge for work. And I jokingly said I hated it and that I was horrible looking. They were seriously looking confused and saying what?! Why do you think that that pic is beautiful.
When you’ve traumatised by almost every person that has been close to you starting with family, friends, and almost every parent, it breaks your inner views on the world. Don’t get me wrong evil people far exceeds the good, but when you do come across that one good person, you feel like they see you and that they are not going to hurt you in some way
It's beautiful you can still see the good in others. It doesn't have to be a liability if you do the hard work in learning how to set and firmly hold boundaries because you deserve to have your goodness protected
Forgiveness DOES NOT mean reconciliation.
Because you can never be safe with them.
@@Annakneedtunobasis You can forgive a scorpion for stinging you, but it remains a scorpion and will sting you again. You don't need to get angry at the scorpion when you get stung. It's your fault for letting the scorpion get close.
If you pick up the drowning scorpion from water to save it, it will still sting you again and remain ungrateful for what you did.
You would save the scorpion regardless. You shouldn't get angry and toss it back into the water.
You be human.
Let the scorpion be a scorpion.
( This is based on a story about a swami, on the Ganges river that saved a scorpion from drowning and got repeatedly stung in the process).
@@avibhagan There comes a point when enough is enough.
@@Annakneedtunobasis , It's an analogy.
A human being is not expected to live with and co-parent with a scorpion. You are meant to do that with another human.
Once you realize you are married to and living with a scorpion, you need to start treating it for what it is.
It was your mistake to treat the scorpion as though it was human.
The key take away (for me) , is not not start acting like and behaving like the scorpion. This is the main issue with reactive abuse. When you start to act like a scorpion, because you are fed up and frustrated and hurt.
taking the higher road is difficult. It is easier said that done. (I know, because I battle with it and I often fail )
@@avibhagan My expression does not mean that the realization of the truth isn't going to hurt or be difficult to accept.
The funny thing is, Betrayal never comes from your enemies.
WOW! That just blew my mind.
Isn't it funny how a few simple words strung together in particular way can have so much impact.
🤔 Pretty much an obvious statement deduced by the definition as well as the nature of betrayal.
@youngblood8540 , yup , the dagger in the back is excruciating!😢
Because betrayal actually requires the initial exchange of trust.
That's kind of like saying it's funny that the rain only falls from the sky, and doesn't come up through the ground.
It's knowing you were were never truly loved.That in itself is betrayal.
The truth is that they do actually feel love for you, but they don't have the object constancy to sustain in it. It may be real in the moment, but when you not there, it's like you never existed.
@AmandaHugenkiss96 I don't think they have the slightest understanding of love or the ability to feel it. They're all excited because you're a new source of supply and they love bomb, as Dr. Ramani sayes. Then they suddenly get distracted, treat.you cruelly, and run on to someone else.
It is devastating to realize there was no love in the 1st place. It makes you feel used, inhuman, not capable of being loved, entirely lost and alone.
The sad thing is the narcissist probably was raised without love so he/she has not experienced love and therefore does not know how to love. Their entire lives are loveless and they hurt the very ones who would love to shower love upon them for the first. They don’t know what to do or how to act. So many people hurt who were created for love. Sad!
@@katiedid8192 Some narcissist maybe, but there's also tons of them that grew up in loving households. Most of that stuff about their childhoods is just a way for them to rationalize their selfishness and abuse.
WooooW!
You never lose friends, you only gain strangers. My heart aches for all of us who had to find this out.
But those true friends you will never lose.
I lost 2 sisters. C'est la vie.
You gain strangers 😖💔
Yes
Going through it right now..😢
It’s falling in love with someone that never existed I find the hardest part. It almost seems pointless but hurts so much. The way their mask falls when they no longer need you is shocking. They go from almost obsessed to stone cold. That betrayal is harsh.
I’m going through the exact same thing I’m completely devastated. I’m finding it hard to believe. I’m not even sure how to feel now. Can’t get u out of my head. It’s so surreal like it’s not happening to me …second time it happened to completely different people SMH
Genuine Psychopath!
Absolutely
@user-ls3 Take care of yourselfjc5fw5n
Powerful! So true!!
Their betrayal is devastating and feels like being swept away by a tide. We're not the same anymore.
The betrayer couldn't touch your beautiful soul .❤
I agree
That's true and it's sad. That's why I'm subscribed to Dr Ramani's channel. Her advice helps a lot. God bless her. Amen.
same here.❤
@@Greenawareness188 🎯Exactly!
I never thought in a million years I was sleeping with the enemy
Ouch 😢
The pain is TOO much to bear!!!!!
Oh so True 🤣
I'm working on my coherent narrative.
I need to provide my coherent narrative to my daughter and sons and listen to them, helping them develop their own. I believe that they deserve the option of not engaging in the same behavior or being the victim of the same behavior.😢😅😮❤
If you would dupe or betray a person who trusts you, that doesn't have anything to do with them being a fool. It means that they trusted you more than you deserved to be trusted.
I don't think it would be possible for me to like this comment enough. They think they are so clever and smart because our trust in them created openings they could exploit to do us harm, but trusting another person is totally about being vulnerable to them, trusting that they won't take advantage of you in bad ways. We were doing what we were supposed to be doing if we had been fortunate enough to be with good, healthy people - the type of people who don't betray trust like that. That they betrayed our trust shows something seriously wrong with them. Sadly. 🙁
@@CarolinaCarolina-ph9mx Yes. I think at the very least, it's a problem in their character and moral compass. Or, it's a deeper, more serious inner defect. Especially if they get enjoyment from duping others.
Which means they were a fool. You gave the definition
Here it is 6 years later, after my separation from a clinically diagnosed malignent narcissist with a sexual addiction and addiction to adrenalin highs, and I am finally starting to emerge from my cocoon. It's been a tough process, but it is possible to heal. I have many triggers but I recognize what they are and quickly remove myself from the situation. My prayer is for you who are suffering. Please love yourself enough to leave. It took 34 years for me to decide it was either stay with him and die a slow death from the inside out, or get the devil out of my life. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much. I left.
Amen to you And I am so blessed to hear you emerged!! I just know the POS you had will be going to hell!! That’s where mine is going!!
34 years? Wow. I'm cant even fathom that. I knew my malignant narcissist for or 20 but we were romantically involved for about 2 years and after like 3 months or so it turned into a living hell of abuse on every level. She is an alcoholic to the most extreme and said she would get help or change or stop drinking as much but that would happen for a couple days and then BAM right back to the drinking, lying, cheating, and beating. I finally left. Still in mourning. It's sad to think that sometimes I feel like if I could have stayed I would have just turned a blind eye to it all to be with that person but divine intervention happened with her child. He no longer liked me anymore because she would go to jail for beating me and I would go to the hospital and he was too young to understand all of this and I had her friend and her mother working against me filling up this little kids heart with rage against me saying oh you're mom loves her more than you. It was sick and twisted because I loved that child like my own. Oh well the universe stepped in and said that is enough because I was really going to start a life in a other state with her working and living together and she would have had all my money and the time to go out and cheat on me and abuse me and potentially cost me my life. So even though I have dreams about her still and it's been almost 2 months of no contact and she's blocked me everywhere and I've done the same. 4 days after I was gonna she had who she was cheating with just move in with her pretty much and they got matching tattoos lol.... We were going to get matching ones and I screened shot the conversation with her and I sharing my screen on what we should get. It's incredibly cruel what she did to me when I discarded after I found videos and pictures on her phone proving that she was cheating on me and telling this other person she loved them but then literally saying I'm her soulmate. So yeah that probably didn't feel good to her so on top of the matching tattoos she took pictures of them kissing and going out and how much she loves him and how much her loves her and how much they're soulmates. She posts so much about being so happy it's so over board and so I just deleted social media and told everyone to please stop sending me stuff I don't care about it anymore. It's actually quite tragic. I could never imagine being with anyone right now. Where is the growth in that if you can't be alone with your hurt and pain. My aunt died too and I went through surgery this is probably the lowest I've ever been in my entire life and her life according to Facebook is just so magical now and her one friend who hated me said how she sparkles again. Like hmmmmmmmm ..... So yeah..... When going no contact get off of social media, stay in therapy or get a therapist. Start doing healthy things, having healthy hobbies, go out and rediscover yourself and you'll attract the right people. I honestly am not there physically or emotionally yet but I know I will be. It's hard. So 34 years of it. I really applaud you. Please please live the rest of your years like you're gonna die every day. You are a prisoner of war and deserve a medal. We all deserve medals for dealing with this sick people. Stay strong. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you.... I really hope you're at that radical acceptance but the stages of grief are not linear. One day you think you're good and then you have dreams about them and that can throw off a whole day. You will strive to love yourself . And I know we all like to say we want to be alone when it first happens but I do believe our person is out there just waiting for us to get healthy and connect. Thanks for staying strong in this lifetime. ❤
I’m screwed. Both my parents were narcissistic and even psychopaths, my two siblings also turned out like that. This pattern has followed me my whole life also with friends and boyfriends.
I am definitely a survivor. I’m broke now but after all I’ve broke the pattern just by becoming a psychologist, having a bachelor degree in comparative literature together, yoga teacher and all the other courses I took to educate myself. They have nothing. But not only that - I manage to stay sane and empathetic and loving and LONGING FOR LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING AS I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN LOVE. Even though I’m alone and I’ve been alone my whole life, God was with me. I never became evil and vicious. It’s a miracle.
That’s amazing! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 you didn’t let’em make you ugly ❤
You took your life back. Excellent job!❤
Me too. My family was like a horror story and I've spent my adult life striving to re - raise myself. College degrees, self improvement books, psychotherapy, classes, studying Carl Yung and individuation. I used to be a yoga instructor too! But alas, I've always ended up with narcissistic friends and relationships. Just like my family. Don't know how to break that curse. All my studying has helped me to understand and comprehend, but it ultimately doesn't change. I bounce between depression and hate-filled anger. The latter is unbearable. Being alone is a relief. People are exhausting. Their outsides don't match their insides and it is always instantly obvious to me. It is draining to have to play dumb. But would be cruel to tell them I'm on to them.
@@patriciaberliner8050 good luck and mute the notifications from the people who don’t value you. They aren’t worth the time. You should be proud of yourself.
@patriciaberliner8050 I would love to have a connection with you! I have a very similar experience. My whole life has been filled with narcissists, and relationships with them are incredibly painful and abusive. My mother, husband, and friendships. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm working on healing. Please reach out if you'd like to.
They never admit they betrayed you
Oh the line “i never said that!!!"
“We are never responsible for our own betrayal”
What I would like to admit, is that you’re never responsible how someone reacts, if someone gets angry it’s their way to see something
That is the best quote. Thank you. ❤
Not true...I ignored red flags and betrayed myself by staying.
@@neen9438 you cared/loved that person, it’s ok that you “wouldn’t” see what is around you
@jennifergodwin29 I’ve definitely struggled with this because I felt there was little signs I ignored and if I had been more conscious I would have saved myself so much pain
I left my family behind many years ago. Healthiest move I ever made.
You are such an angel to those who have gone through this! Mine started in infancy , I tried to get help to no avail. I am now 70, the only way to feel safe is to be alone. I appreciate you so much!❤
Also me and I am now 70. No way am I letting them win by not being me and seeing other people. I just get rid of the ones who are rubbish really early these days, if I recognise it early enough. If I suspect them I test them with something only a narcissist would do in response, sorts them out nicely. There are nice people out there what have you got to lose by trying, so you’ll be on your own again, and you are okay with that anyway. ❤
35 here thanks to Dr Ramani I started to notice the patterns and I'm still co depending on the toxic ones but at least I don't have as many negative thoughts and moods... Getting free 1% every day
I'm 44 and that's the way I feel already
I am alone it's lonely!!!
Me 2 @ 65 just fine alone & done with intimate relationships
Betrayal feels like that person you love just wiped all the shit off their feet on you.
Well said.
But why they are bullies we have a heart ♥
Exactly. They lifted the weight of the secret they were carrying an put it on you but in their mind they are “coming clean because it’s the right thing“.
Because you are everything they are not!!!
Yes!! Beautifully said!!!
My husband of 33 years, pretending to be a family man, ran a church, was living a whole double life of the worse kind that I knew nothing about. It's the element of being blindsighted that is trauma betrayel.
😢
i realized one day i was getting weighed down by carrying shame that belonged to someone else.
@@mariajames-thiaw5797THIS.
I have been tangled up and suffocating in the unfortunate trauma web my husband grew up in and brought into our marriage (unbeknownst to me).
I, too, brought a tangled web in, but -not to sound biased, just honest- mine was not nearly as cruel and toxic. Yes, we have both been up to terrible coping strategies, but I have been working on mine for years, and he knew of mine when we got married. Theeeeres a big detail there.
@Karenellisbrown8169
It has to be the ultimate betrayal; to think that you have a honorable husband in the Lord, but he turns out to be the complete opposite. A supposed “man of the cloth”, and he turns out to be, basically, a devil or evil spirit. The betrayal is a double whammy to the spouse of a pastor.
Someone once reminded me during an especially difficult time that God loved me, that I was light and that I was love. and never to forget that. I share that with you tonight. Keep moving forward, sister and try not to look back, only continue to walk into a brighter future!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Walk in the eternal light of the Lord
Betrayal is like pouring a bucket load of salt into a wound caused by someone else. The ability of people to do such despicable acts of cruelty to another person and then denies all accountability leaves the betrayed person in even worse life changing horrific circumstances that others will not believe or see, further invalidating the betrayed person and nobody cares at all.
Trust and loyalty is the rock we stand on in relationships. Betrayal is like having the ground under your feet disappear ... After they told you it was rock solid... And you gets blamed for it.
The ground falls from beneath your feet and the person you loved most laughs as you fall.
Perfectly stated
I have looked at this entire relationship now as a learning experience. Not only did I learn what kind of evilness is in this world, but also that I was deceived into sleeping with the enemy. No contact is not only for our sanity, but also for your safety. Protect yourself against hoovers. That is when they are pissed that they couldn't take us down the first time. You can watch all the true crime shows and see bits of them in the ones that come back years later and murder people. They can't let go because they have no sense of time.
That's so healthy
Betrayal sadness was dismayed that one you loved didn't care😮
Betrayal by a parent is so destabilizing. We have to find a way to take the life that was always meant to be ours. We don't belong to anyone. This is our life and I finally know I don't have to feel guilty for living it. Thank you. ❤
❤
🎯💯👀✅🅿️🔥👍🤔
🍃🌳💜
The lying and especially the GASLIGHTING is maddening. I questioned myself and every word and every step I took until I learned what gaslighting was.
For some people it's 2 steps forward one step back.
For people who attract narcissists, it's 1 step forward 3 steps back. It seems like there everywhere.
When I became an adult I knew what behaviors/signs to be aware of because of the trauma in my childhood. I vowed to never let anyone "railroad" me ever again. I stand up to those who harm me or others. Those who are harmful don't like being called out. After calling them out I ask them to leave me or the victim alone, forever. Don't allow anyone who is harmful into your space, it is harmful to your health. Betrayal is hard to overcome because it is from with-in and is usually a trusted person in your circle. Unless they take accountability and are genuinely remorseful... I do the same thing and call them out. The message is the same "Stay away and don't come back into my life."
I know how you feel. Every morning I have to create reasons to rise up !
They are everywhere, yup it's hard to get up and begin each day✌
Yes. It's on the system
They are everywhere.
It's estimated that they are 1/6th of the population.
It's almost as though narcissism is not a disorder, but a common personality style.
We are never responsible for our own betrayal.
I agree it’s the behaviour that’s betrayal. I can’t stand it when ‘life coaches’ and social media ‘gurus’ talk about oh it’s how you respond to an event that is the trauma. It’s like uh no, it’s not my ‘response’ , it’s their harmful behaviour. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
In a religious school we were taught there would not be a fight if we didn’t respond. This didn’t seem right but the turn the other cheek thing was put in front of you. I finally saw this as a lazy adult’s way to avoid the person who started the problem in the first place. It’s easier for them to handle a teachable cooperative person than the initiator who ignores the rules. I learned to hold back my response not because I thought I was morally superior than the rule breaker but because I didn’t want to be like them. You might take some blows that you shouldn’t behave had to take but you have your identity and integrity.
Nobody can MAKE YOU unhappy, angry, afraid, incompetent, without your permission. You are in control of your response/reaction, etc. I felt the way you do, but in time, realized your response is the only thing you can control. Don't be like them. Know who you are; be happy, confident, content, and you won't be triggered by the narc's behavior. They are sad/broken human beings and I think most are physically or psycologically harmed and they cannot change their behavior. Pity them. Don't rage at them like they rage at others. When you act like your enemy, you become what they are. The only way to eliminate your enemy, is to make them your friends..... and you know what your enemy is going to do; so keep a keen eye on your friends. Choose who you want to be.
Now that you mention it isn’t ’turn the other cheek’ the best advice when dealing with a Narcissist I.e. cut off supply ? Let God be judge and jury in his own good time. Hold your breath to ‘cool your porridge ’ and pray. 😂 🙏
The first betrayal...presenting themselves as normal.
Yes, that is a brilliant observation, so TRUE!!!!
Being born into a family with a narcissistic father and covert narcissistic mother, it has been a long road. The most painfful of all the betrayals was my only child. It took me over 30 years to accept he did not love me and had been acting. Then after 4-6 months, during which time neither he nor my grandchildren called me, I had a small heart attack from grief. I've given up a lot, grieved my losses, figured it out and have healed most of it! I'm proud to be a survivor!
Going through it with my son. He estranged with my little granddaughter, and I don’t even know how to locate him. And no, I don’t have any personality disorders. Just a mom grieving deeply.
I, too just had a heart attack related to grief from my son dying 2 1/2 months ago. My daughter who is in & out of my life. , walked out as soon as my son was pronounced dead , wouldn’t help spread his ashes… nothing .l didn’t see her again despite my begging after the death until l was brought into the ER this week due to the heart attack & because she was my emergency contact the hospital called her. She works in the same hospital. She is a PA there. She came by for a few minutes…. left… told her l had no one to feed my cat… said sorry… said l am leaving in the morning to go on trip for 5 days. I had to get an Uber to drive me home from the hospital upon discharge.She is the last family member l have left. She has to be narcissistic, right???💔 l feel like she betrayed me & my deceased son because while he was on life support she told him if he was ready to give up, it would be ok because she would take care of me! Am l out of my mind with grief or is she betraying us in a huge way. No offer to stock fridge with groceries… pick up Rx’s…. zero 💔😢
You are a SURVIVOR!!!!
Ugh! And here I thought people in MY life sucked balls! Jeez! I guess it really can get worse.
Yes! Live your life without abuse.
Betrayal feels like a gut punch and then unable to catch a breath.
5 months later and I still can't take a deep breath
Happy birthday to your mom
Betrayal=something owed to or belonging to one is given away away to someone with no right to it.
This is perfectly said. After a 24 year relationship and 3 beautiful girls, the relationship endured many betrayals, lies, future faking etc. At this time I had never heard the word narcissist. He met a Prostitute and began an exclusive romantic relationship with her. She now gets all of his earnings for phone sex and sex talk although she is in another country and his children are now totally neglected while he transfers money to her on a weekly basis and at the same time tells them he has no money. This is so painful after he continues to say to his children how much he loves them. I held true to the relationship and was so surprised to know all the things I discovered he was doing over the years. How could someone be this awful?? 😮😮 I am deflated and I feeling helpless because I am not employed and do not have any means of income. Today is my first daughter's birthday 🎉 and it is so hard. So yes what is owed or belongs to his children is now going to someone who i think has no right to it. Betrayal indeed
Saying “we are never responsible for our own betrayal” is so powerful and necessary for healing. People need to be seen, heard, understood, their experiences validated. Even therapists can skip this part and jump to making it about you and where you went wrong etc
So true
They said it happened but now you must focus on healing
They add we can’t change that it happened
Like literally forcing you to oppress it
And they believe it’s the best way to move on🙄🙄🙄🙄
I just want to be able to emotionally regulate. I wanna go back to that person who is sure of who they are. He violated my very being!
I hate that this pain is so unbearable I want to unalive myself to stop the pain. She kept asking to be in my life. All while breaking my spirits and boundaries and lying and gaslighting. She kept making me feel like I was the sole reason why we couldn’t make things work, when in reality she’s was the reason we couldn’t work. Everytime her lies, double life, would catch up to her she would gaslight me into thinking it was my fault. All I was ever guilty of was loving her. She made me feel like the worst person ever.
Relating! ❤
Please see a therapist to help you!! I'm seeing one now for the past 3.5 years
Relating❤ I’m struggling too!
You will not always feel this low.
Pure projection ❤️🩹
And Im getting better at noticing what my body"s
telling me.🎉
Before watching this, I could only think of one betrayal. But now... I realize I have been betrayed by all my narcissists in my life.... all of them.... and it has shaped me gravely.
So many people are so broken. Life is not fair. You learn to survive and thrive the best you can.
I feel betrayal way beyond a lie_ it is TREASON...and hurts deeply
The same French word 'trahison' is used for 'betrayal' and 'treason'.
@EvelynBenmergui1
It is treason too when social services uses public state funding to pay those who betray children and parents as their vulnerable victims in juvenile court. These attorneys paid by governmental departments of children and families with public money, so it's treason as a state matter when attacking and betraying vulnerable innocent civilians.
I feel the same way that you do!!
Sad,that there are people who can lie without blinking.
In narcissistic families, we get habituated to accept blame for things other people do. Until we heal this distorted thinking and the deep wounds it creates, we are very vulnerable to further narcissistic abuse.
"The duties of a parent are to keep a child safe, loved, nurtured, seen, heard. That's the duties! And if a parent isn't doing that, then they are not fulfilling the responsibilities of that relationship." Exactly!
The devils touch is permanent. There is no healing from it but rather learning how to cope with it & move on
This is so true ❤
The Devil is the first Narcissist.
Not true Jesus can heal it and fix it Only way to heal from that
I understand what you mean for sure.
We can still heal with God who is ever-permanent and always more ever-powerful than the devil. Much Love and Light to you💞🌞🙏🏼😇🕊️💫
My narc ex has never known his why, refusing to recognise the devil in his life that caused it all. I tend to face problems and their causes head-on and deal with them if I possibly can, and he thought this was just a terrible thing to do.
Betrayal:his cheating, lying, getting the friends and family to all lie to me for him, as well.
In November I experienced something very traumatizing that made me incapable of falling asleep without the lights on and a background sound that reminds me that I´m safe. I had already started watching your youtube videos during Covid, since they were helping me make sense of the relationship I was in and had been in for 7 years already. Your videos helped me understand and ultimately get out. :) Since I had been watching your videos, they have now become the soothing background sound so I can feel safe and fall asleep. I just want to thank you for the work you do. It has made such a difference in my life.
I understand the background noise thing. I have something going almost 24/7 now. Keeps me from too much "thinking" about everything. And I'm learning so much I missed learning earlier in life.
I hope you are ok. It's very difficult after a relationship with a narcissist. There are many of us going through that and have had similar trauma related experiences like you have. Its just your brain trying to make sense of it all. Be kind to and patient with yourself.
I do this too. Dr Ramani's soothing tones and reassuring message really helps.
After betrayal, I am literally a shell of myself. How I wish that I could find a virtual support group.
Years ago I told a friend while going through workplace abuse, "I feel like a shell of my former self". Totally agree.
@@Notthecopyan online SAnon group might be helpful to you
Flying free online forum
I felt the same way at the end of a 27-year marriage. I did something that I talked about doing a lot while married - i went back to college to finish getting my degree. I was in college, attending evening classes when I met the ex, and didn't go back because we got pregnant within a few short months of being married. He was intentional in starting the family because he knew he'd have more control over me. Going back to college was the best thing I ever did for myself. Find something you've always wanted to do or seek out a new goal hobby.
I love your passion - for the truth. Of our sorrow .
Only someone that has gone through this will be able to understand the damage. Thank you for sharing your experience of having trust issues. It validates your teachings.
Thank you for saying being screamed at is a betrayal. I have expressed this before to family members who yell and they don’t get it. Total violation of trust and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Trust me, the damage you'll do to yourself and others by not leaving is much worse than leaving after the first time
I stayed way too long. Things only got worse.
Wishing great health and longevity to Mom and the entire family. ✌️🥳
You too Mr. Bot
@@Lencaleena Sending warm hugs 🤗 from Los Angeles. - Priscilla
This video really hit hard. I was the problem child who was scapegoated, thrown to the wolves by my own parents. I was brainwash to think their betrayals were all my fault, their failed marriage and anything else that they didnt want to take responsibility for. I grew up trained to fix and serve, never to have a self, its how I survived hell, how dare I have a voice. They let me live ...
My narcissistic ex didn't cheat or mess with my money. He definitely betrayed me though - he future faked so skillfully that I believed him with my entire heart. I wanted to be loved so badly that i believed all of the love bombing with my entire soul. He absolutely betrayed me because he lied to me. And yes, it's ABSOLUTELY trauma.
When I think of the word betrayal my first thought is "deception." Because those who betray you are usually the people you would never expect to, the ones you hold closest, and that is why it hurts so much. It also makes you doubt if you really knew them at all. It can make you doubt everything about your relationship with them.
Edited for spelling :p
Yes definitely 'deception'
and, I think,
'disappointment'
:(
Emotional affairs hurt as much as a physical affair.
This is what some people don't understand. The pain is real.
To me betrayal occurs when two people stop being emotionally vulnerable with each other. There is a point in every narcissistic relationship subtly shuts down and shuts you out between lovebombiny and devaluing.
That subtle shift and shutdown between the lovebombing and the devalue to me is the betrayal. That is what makes love bombing so nefarious imo.
What a magnificent statement! “We Are Never Responsible For Our Own Betrayal.” This mantra is distilled to a core essence, the truth, and the emotional freedom, we give ourselves on our path of perpetual improvement. WOW! If words can be a magic wand that works in reality, then Dr Ramani you have just shared another golden nugget of wisdom. Our lives are richer bc of you. Thank you Dr Ramani you are one in a million! 🎉💜😎
Its a fine line between not blaming self yet taking responsiblity to healing ones self and seeing why you didn't see it to preventing it in the future.
Being screamed at and worse is definitely a betrayal. Thanks for saying it most intelligent and kind woman xxx
Workplace betrayal is painful when it can affect your livelihood and a form of manipulation.
Growing up with Narcissistic parents, getting into relationships with narcissists, I always blame myself for being betrayed. Thank you so much for this episode, Dr Ramani! “I didn’t do the betraying.”
They have psychic issues - why do you blame yourself for that. They are not sane - so you sure are not guilty at all.
I feel the same! My parents were/are narcissists and every guy I've been with was too! I didn't realize my husband was until recently... I injured my ankle and had to have surgery... that's when he was done with me... told me he no longer loved me and that I wasn't good enough for him.... I started seeing all the things that I had been blind to for years... it's still hurts though
You definitely aren’t alone. I was looking for this comment because I am right there with you!🫶🏽
Taking care of myself; depending on God!❤
God is the answer! Im sure He warned us of these people… there were red flags but we walked don the wrong path! 😔🙌🏻🙏🏻
When people put the responsibility/blame of us being betrayed onto our shoulders and not onto the shoulders of those who committed those actions of betrayal
Pathological Liars was the first thing I looked up on the internet.
I needed to learn why I got caught up in it. I went from narc parents to narc partners, married one, had kids, escaped, felt bad so I gave him the house, ended up with another one. I've had to create an identity from scratch, I've never had one, never had needs cos my needs have never been met, so I do need to examine that relationship. I am only starting to live at the age of 59. Thank you for your videos.
I’ve watched this video 3 times but I finally heard you Dr Ramani “stop making it about them how did it impact you?” I stopped the video to think about it. Thank you…
So easy to feel responsible when the immediate response from society is to make you feel responsible. There is that deeply held part of the human psyche that turns to victim blaming. It's even in our adages: "What did I/she/he do to deserve that? Must have done something wrong" and "it must be karma from a former life," and so on.
A narc is betraying you before you first say hello...
🤯 profound & TRUE!!!!
@@robinredmond9642 AMEN THAT IS TRUE!!!
Happy Birthday, Mommy Ramani❤
My first word for Betrayal was, "Violation" (of trust.) It's shocking, deeply painful and mind-blowing. I came home and found out that my live-in boyfriend had moved out secretly without one word, right after we had signed a year lease together on a one-bedroom apt. He didn't care that I couldn't afford it by myself, or that my worst fear was to become homeless. If that wasn't enough of a punch in the gut, I also found his scathing 7-page letter telling me all the things he didn't like about me. (Very courageous - he couldn't tell me any of this in person.) I had to rent out the bedroom and sleep in my living room to survive that year. It's funny but when I saw the empty apartment, my first thought was, "We've been robbed." But then I realized it was just his stuff that was gone, and my second thought was, "I'm sure he did me a big favor." He did.
He did!!
*Happiest birthday ever, mother Ramani. you deserve all the world!* ❤
You’re amazing. You helped me through not only dealing with my mother years ago who is a covert narcissist, but helping me help my father a few years ago with his divorce from her following my eldest brother’s suicide. My eldest brother literally and figuratively pulled the trigger that FINALLY allowed me, my father, and another brother to reclaim our lives. You gave me the clarity and validation of what I have known, watched, and experienced since I was a little girl. I’m now 57. You are a big reason why I am still here and able to heal. You are the reason I finally love myself and no longer question my reality. My own children have benefitted from this clarity. God bless you, Dr. Ramani.
“Hurt” is the first word I think of when I think of betrayal.
Wow!
Same!
Jesus gave me faith back.Hes just so loving.He was there for me.id pray my pain everyday 🎉❤
He healed me!
When I think of betrayal I remember when my husband cheated on me via Facebook & dating sites on his phone. He said he was just having fun, then said that all these females were his cousins.
He probably kissed his cousins too.
I’m on my long road of healing and one of the most helpful things (aside from finding Dr. Ramani), was making a friend who also suffers from narc abuse. Having a close friend who gets it and can validate your experience is incredibly healing! Going it alone it extremely hard because its so easy to second guess yourself. Narcissism is at epidemic levels and has poisoned our political system, work environments, schools, and so much more! Its so important to find someone who gets it!
You two are lucky to have each other! It is a lonely path I am walking toward healing.
❤❤
Yes it is. Just beware of covert narcs who pretend to be that.
Happy birthday to your Mum Dr Ramani ☀️🎉 🎂
Lack of justice is sooo correct
Happy Birthday to your mom! She did an amazing job as a mother and I'm happy to hear she made it to this beautiful year! God bless! 🤍
Dr. Ramani, thank you so so much for expressing and exposing all the many specific LAYERS of narcissistic betrayal, the multiple levels of hurt upon hurt! Revealing that this actually happens helps us realise we’re not going crazy because we don’t know where to start. We’re not going crazy when we can’t explain it because other people are going through this too and therapists as you can see it, identify it and call it out as a real thing
To think that I was told that people who have first-hand experience overcoming an issue (ie. narcissistic abuse, anxiety) couldn't make good therapists. What a lie I was told! Thank you, Dr. Ramani for sharing this invaluable information.
Absolutely. And what's interesting here is that those closest to me or those involved with my mother's estate and a trust fund for me absolutely do not see their own betrayal, lies, deceptions, and horrible games. Those closest to me don't recognize things I have mentioned to them as Betrayals. You have mentioned things in this video as betrayal that should be a clear reality. And you are absolutely right about the behaviors can be the worse part of it. Questioning your own reality. Stalking and threatening behaviors. Laughing about it as you find out some of the truths or express your pain, confusion and frustration and they laugh. Painful dismissal that is very abusive. Admitting it was done to you and laughing and smiling about it as you discover what's happened. It's horribly abusive. That contamination takes you to shame and blame as though you deserved it? It's horrible.
happy birthday Mama Ramani.
Starting to be my old self after being separated for almost 6 months but i'm still seeking love and affection like never before and i finaly realized why. I was never truly loved by anyone. Most of my ex's had Narcs behaviours, my 15 years wife is a covert, my mother and her family all narcs, my father and grand mother never showed love or affection...took me 46 years to realize it and it hit hard. I guess i wasn't born to be loved by anyone so i took the decision to stay single for the rest of my life. it's the only sure way i can't be abuse and manipulated and betrayed again over the cost of being love even if i crave it.
This is sad. I know it's hard to trust again but instead of becoming a hermit you can learn how to read people better and find empaths who will love you for who you are.
Learn to love and trust yourself,be good to you. I've heard and am starting to believe healing is possible when you love yourself first. I'm one year free from him but still working on the voice in my head slow going but vi will get there. I'm so worth it and you all are as well. Sending you all airhugs o f positive loving energy
Happy late birthday mama 🎉 thank you for giving us your daughter, she is truly a big part of my life and is helping me through one of the toughest times in my life.. God bless and thank you Dr Ramani
Please, please, please do more about parents of adult children who are narcissistic and abusive.
How did they get that way?
@@amberinthemist7912it's called parental alienation. The narcissist parent shifts blame onto the victim parent and thus basically brainwashes the children to blame the victim parent. Dr Ramani addresses this in this video. Listen again.
As a society we have been trained to see ourselves thru others eyes and we have no idea who we are thru our own eyes, hence loss of soul connection. I love the name of the book What You Think of Me is None of My Business. peace.
I have been betrayed so much by close important people in my life I feel constantly angry and don’t really trust anyone. But learning to mange that and harness it all for my greater good to focus on my life and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
It's taken me 13 years to let go. And now that I know and revisit my past, it's still hard not to miss her. That's when I turn on these videos to remind myself it was never real. I'm now fighting for my rights and my sons rights to see him. She has denied him from me since he was 1. She said she will do whatever it takes including lying, so I didn't ever see him. She hid the divorce for 12 years and would only send snippets of it and hid the area that stated we had 50 50. It's been 1 year 4 months suing her in court and sueng her to uphold the ruling. We are to have a trial by jury, and she has gone into hiding. She is in another country. I'll never see him. Is there an international human rights group? The sad part is that no psychologist ever tried to treat the issue. My lawyer said she sounds like a narcissist. So thats when I've done tons of research, and I might as well be a psychologist now. Keep spreading the word. There are still people around us every day who don't believe.
Happy birthday mummy!
May you live long to celebrate many years to come.
Amen!
I am 82 years old and my life could be another book for you on life and consequences of life after a chronic narcissistic marriage, I've thought of writing a book on betrayal that is over the top, but I don't know how. Listening to you has hit home so closely, I wish you had been around when I was going through it. After leaving my 1st marriage I almost ruined my own life and it didn't stop for over 50 years. I'm so glad you are warning everyone now. You are amazing, and I thank you for what you have taught me.
My story is very long as well. I’m now realizing 58 years later that my high school love chose to betray me as he followed his dreams but never gave me up to this day although we each married others. I’ve allowed him to be comfortable with his one or two sentimental calls a year. I’m putting a stop to it and wish to God I’d done it years ago.
Write your book and get peace. There is helpful information on who to write on the internet.
My wife had started spinning lies to our whole social group that I was abusing her well before I finally got the nerve to say I want a divorce. It's been 18 months, she still won't move out, I've lived in front of cameras 24/7 to protect myself from false assault charges, and she still won't move out. The fact that she spends 90% of the time with a "mutual friend" at his place, because she started dating him early last year. This guy was at our wedding. I knew him before she did. Yet I'm the social leper because of her lies, and will probably be alone until I die, while they both have been embraced as a couple by the entire group of people I thought were my friends.
I can relate. I lost all of my school friends.
Too bad and very sorry for you. It looks like most of your so-called friends and associates are “ Flying MonKeys. By Amelia
You move out
Sell the house and move.
Have you talked to a lawyer?
This is so healing Thankyou I’m in the beginning of your book It’s Not You. I have been single and celibate for 23 years and couldn’t trustI I am now healing . From the bottom of my heart You are saving me and so many others
Happy Birthday to your lovely mother Dr.Ramani!🎂🥳🎉❤🎊🎉❤🎉❤
Betrayed. My abandonment issues all came up.
This is real. You really named my life…..thank you! I hate toxic positivity!!
Thank you for all your truths and wisdom ❤. I have also been betrayed many times and am a survivor
Awww. Happy birthday mom. Your daughter is absolutely amazing and has helped us through so many things 💯💯💯🎉🎉🎉
So many betrayals and the level of cruelty is astounding.
He portrays himself on social media as such a supportive and spiritual person with focus on fitness.
We would hike together occasionally and I was never fast enough, or good enough when all I wanted was to enjoy the journey.
He convinced me to go on a 17 mile hike. It was my first time doing that amount of miles and at a fast pace. The last 5 miles were hard. I ran out of water and my legs were exhausted. I asked him for water and he denied that to me saying I should have planned better. The switchback at the end was difficult and my legs were failing. He left me there. I had embarrassed him. I was devastated that I would have to maneuver through this by myself. As my leg muscles were trembling and the lack of water added to my insecurities to be able to make it down the mountain and another 4 miles to go.
I made it down but had to call for help once I was at the bottom.
I was delivered home by EMT and he ignored me for a month after. Continuing to punish me for embarrassing him.
This was supposed to be the person whom I could trust and count on. Clearly it was never reciprocated. Clearly not the persona he portrays on social media.
Geeze, that was absolutely rotten of him. I hope you ended that friendship, if you could call it that.
OMG! Do you realize you could have died?
Ok what’s his/her name!! Now adays as you know one liner on a SM page - CANCELLED
Tell your mom that I say "Happy Birthday !"
Yeah, I was basically ALONE with my mom for my first 7 years of life. She fed me but that was probably because she had to eat too. She rarely bathed me. When I was 6months old, she told me the pediatrician said I looked very very depressed, was not smiling or alert and he threatened cps. So she played and talked more with me.
The betrayal was her decision to stay with my abuser after I told her he abused me. Devastating. She also told me she doesnt think of me as her daughter
Wow, I'm sure that hurt.
Birthday Blessings to your Beautiful Mom!
Thanks for the hard work and Emotional support.