-hyper vigilance -Trusting no one -Read negative into everything -Thinking Worst case scenario -Reading danger where danger isn’t -complex trauma means being wounded as a child and then you continue wounding yourself as an adult - priority #1: personal safety >> this causes bumping down other core priorities. Decisions based on immediate results and safety. Safety more than loving other people.
Thirty six years of trying to get sober, going to inpatient treatment 16 times. No one ever mentioned this. I’m amazed and horrified and really angry and sad
I'm so sorry. Our current healthcare system has so many blind spots, so behind on the latest in neuroscience...and the other systems, schools, law enforcement, courts...also, have a huge lack of information in this regard. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can heal and experience deep peace 💕
Complex trauma perfectly explains why I struggle so much. I honestly think I have a combination of complex trauma and classical PTSD from the military and the two work against me
When some people are overwhelmed, they are so in shock, they can't even find the words literally. The mind freezes in disbelief. I had that type of shut down for years.
I was like that when I was a kid. I score extremely high on autism screening tests. I can't tell if it's that or just trauma. Maybe both? Maybe they are one and the same. I call it traumautism.
@@mikedenault3816 when I think about freeze in nature I thought it was like playing dead but is freeze actually shutting down your responses to be ready to get killed? Scary thought but I'm curious
I never had addiction, i knew I couldn't come back from that as a child. I went into meditating to fix myself and learned all of these concepts without the words and organization this man has... what an amazing resource this man is. He's absolutely right stopping the narcissistic ego is excruciating, it feels like you're dying. In tantra they call it ego death. The first ego death is the hardest, after that you've seen your strength, your resilience, you will be amazed as much or more amazed at the creation of a child. You will shed the garbage that was dumped on you and you will emerge a beautiful human being you're so proud of. You won't fear others because you will know who you are. You will become unshakable. Do this process you can do it in a few years. Shed the trash in your psyche and accept it will be very uncomfortable.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making these videos public! So many are wanting to make money 💰 off of everyone. You are an angel to teach for no charge, so much critical knowledge!
I don't know if you read your comments from something posted five years ago... but I discovered you recently and...can't find the exact words... but just astonished, amazed, thankful, emotional over listening to your talks on trauma and coping. How you exactly pinpoint things I've done that I just couldn't understand (sabotaging my life,) and the intense pain, weight issues (food has been my drug of choice,) ups and downs. I am a Christian and walk in a peace I didn't have in my young adult years.... but I have continued to be plagued by things I didn't understand. I had extremely loving, insightful parents. Brilliant in fact. My late father was a famous psychiatrist who wrote a best selling self help book. Sadly (and I completely understand so much more about him after listening to you) I know he had childhood trauma. He had facial scars from when a burning sack was put over his head by his older brothers. And he had a cold uncaring mother. Even with all his brilliance, care for others and insights, he was an alcoholic. It took him to some pretty low places... but in his later years he didn't drink and was devoted to the church. Back to my life: when their book became a best seller... I was about 10 and my sister 14. She loved riding horses, so while they. traveled the country appearing on tv shows and such... we were left out at the ranch. I think my mom felt it was safe because a Christian woman and her husband ran it. And that woman was nice. But there were multiple other characters who were not safe at all. Bullying, mean, and ultimately by the time I was 11 and 12... I was drinking hard alcohol and had older men taking advantage of me. I already had issues from my dad's drinking. Everything combined: so much pain, humiliation, unsafety, abandonment...on and on. By the time I was about 14... I wanted to leave that whole world behind. And I did. I never went to the ranch again. I wanted to forget that time existed. I became very thin and wanted to be a "good girl." Very attractive and "perfect" on the outside, (people called me "Farrah,") but the inside was a mess. After college and a lot of drinking, including a DUI (I drank especially when I was with a young man I was attracted to, I never felt comfortable,) I moved to Hollywood, had some success and also was really wanting to be a Christian... but all these painful things you talk about kept plaguing me (my reactions to things.) The greater the opportunity, the more I would mess it up. I could write a book on all of it... But I just have to say... I have been to ACA, Celebrate Recovery, talked to a few therapists, listened to countless sermons, messages... but I have never heard anyone address my life's issues like you have. I really feel hopeful that I can find true health and have it be consistent. Even though I am older now... there is life ahead. I am counting on Christ's grace and forgiveness for the mistakes I've made. And there have been some stemming from these coping behaviors that I have a hard time forgiving myself for. But now that I have a better and deeper understanding of why I did what I did... I am more compassionate to myself. I love my children and husband dearly. And by God's grace, we do have a kind, loving, happy home. But when they were young... I was in a lot of pain because of in-laws I perceived as very critical and not affirming at all. It occupied my mind constantly. I was loving to them, but I was depressed and preoccupied. Lost days I should have been only focused on my children. I feel so sad about that. But I am thankful God restores. I know this is long...but I just felt the need to say thank you. What a treasure of information, insight and hope. I am sharing your talks with my daughter who has had some struggles as a young adult. God bless and thank you.
@@GretchenKeskeys wow and I said here and read it all.. I’ love what you shared so much! It is so helpful to me and others who are super struggling with all of that now.. the guilt about the lost time with my kids is one of the worst aspects of it so that made me tear up… ❤️❤️❤️
I came back to this again after watching so many other videos and it still applies. I found myself in tears at least twice because my feelings and what I experience daily were validated. I've been stuck in hypervigilance and hyperarousal every day, all day for some time now and it's so incredibly difficult tolerate and even harder to move away from. It's an unbearable way to "live"/exist. I can't believe this channel doesn't have more subs. 🤦🏼♀️ I share this channel on a regular basis because I feel everyone can relate to some aspect of it, if not many or all. I love everything you've been doing to help others, Tim. I'm 40 now, and for the last 10 years I've told everyone I feel like I'm living my life in reverse. I was a workaholic perfectionist that was ultra responsible for so long and now I'm finding myself stuck in my 8/9 yr old mindset, wishing I had those healthy "surrogate parents" that would take me in and guide me like I've always needed. I don't trust myself to know who's healthy and who's not because I've fooled myself so many times before, or I guess I actually didn't understand what "healthy" was, because that's not what I grew up around or navigated towards in my relationships. I am so grateful for how much sense you make, and at the same time I find myself sort of grieving everything I learned and mal-adapted to. 35 minutes of hearing you talk is >15+ years of consistent therapy, medications, and hospitalizations. Thank you 🕊🤍
That is a true description. healing is full of pain, but I did find I reached a better place, and I am sure you will too. I did free writing for years trying to get all the junk out of my head. I questioned whether I would ever get to the end of feeling I had to do that. Nearly all the bad memories are tucked away in a proper place now. Years ago someone said that the trauma and memories of all the hurtful things was sloshing around like like boxes on a boat that had not been tethered. and the contents scattered. Now it feels as if it has been stowed and secured.You will get to a better place. Best wishes.
Everything wonderful except the misuse of ‘Narcissist’. Self-serving yes, everyone is that while in an acute state of survival. Narcissism is a very different psychological disorder. Many with CPTSD become quite the opposite, and subsequently attract narcissists who abuse them and further their trauma.
Today marks one of the best days of my life. I clicked on a YT Video with Dr. Fletcher talking about Trauma. I was just curious but it opened a Closed Chess of emotions. I can relate to everything that Dr. Fletcher is talking about and look forward to viewing all the Vids....🙏
I have Borderline Personality Disorder / CPTSD. I am a recovered drug addict, but I'm still empty, depressed and sometimes angry. I am glad I found this.
I understand why this is presented in the context of childhood experiences. But as he's talking, I am reminded of my sister's 12 year relationship with an abusive person and his cult-like family; my own professional experience doing tech support for a cable company then 15 years in another industry reporting to an insidious "nice" person who was actually a micromanaging nightmare, I think of my friend's experiences in the military... there are so many ways we can live with ongoing daily trauma. Maybe he'll address this in a future lecture, but I suspect those of us who grew up in the environments he describes are more likely to stay in those environments as adults until we process it and learn the skills to identify and manage.
Wow it's so refreshing to hear Tim talk about the maladaptive system of negative thinking when he used the example of someone saying I want to talk to you afterwards. I used to become so unsettled when I heard that but as I have healed a bit I realize it's not always the case.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6 It’s only now that I’m older (42), that I truly understand what this means. I don’t have any children, but I can see it clear as day, namely with those of us that have been through the meat grinder.
I'm a narcissist; some parts of this video were was hard for me to hear. I have used people to meet my survival needs. I'm not trying to make excuses I've done terrible terrible things. The thing is, my real need to feel love for someone and feel love from someone has never been met, but my basic survival needs have been met.. As a narcissist, I've never had a happy life. It's a lonely life, too. I've seriously have hurt people deeply and I've ruined more relationships than I can count. I'm 50 now and alone and in therapy since 2008 but I feel like it is too late for me because it has taken so long just to get where I am today. I look back on how I treated people in my past and feel guilty and remorseful. I’ll carry that with me as penance for the damage I did to so many people in my life.
God will forgive you and change your life if you let him. Find a good bible based church that believes in Salvation. He’s the only one that can take away how bad you feel. Search for him and you will find him!❤❤❤
Oh Hallelujah!! I’ve concluded from my experiences that people are far smarter than those judging them assume. I say this because every mask I developed has actually helped me function in society. Therefore, when I did the work of “becoming healthy” by getting rid of my coping mechanisms, I got worse. When you say that addicts are using something to cover up a deeper trauma, you’re finally stating what I’ve discovered, and how I’ve gotten stuck.
Going through this series of yours is hard. Its so confrontational. Its like having a hot rod plunged into your heart. But after that it feels like a new day. Thank you so much. ❤
1:30 grief letter, solution to a problem 2:20 AFM, 97 percent of addicts have CT 11:00 gift of addiction 13:30 emotional arrested development 15:32 distress intolerance
This is very good, accurate but you forgot one. When the complex trauma makes a person unable to recognize dangerous situations. Where they will walk into a bad situation without identifying the warning signs. Danger whether it's physical or emotional may walk into it repeatedly because they don't observe the signs and signals that a healthy person would pick up on. Instead, those things 'feel' and seem normal so they proceed and inevitably are harmed, yet again.
NOT ALL BECOME NARCISSISTS! Some become or are empaths. They feel everything that everyone feels. They can't take care of their own needs and as a result are hurt again and again. They stay longer than they should. They keep giving until they are completely broken down. You need to update your info on this. You got so much right but this is a very important outcome of complex trauma. You are only focused on addiction coming from one personality type. That's not accurate. It's important to have all of the information if your are to help those who need it most.
Being an empath is not an excuse. It’s a superpower like any other that can be a blessing or a curse. Whether or not you choose to become an empowered empath, where you learn how to not let energy effect you unless you want to, is the choice of each empath.
I'm confused. I have almost always put my chilhood family's needs ahead of mine. I have been very forceful about making sure I could provide for them and make as many opportunities available for them as possible. I feel this also came from a place of fear, as I never wanted the lack in my childhood to repeat itself in my siblings. And yet this talk makes me think the drive behind me was narcissism? And where is one meant to get this surrogate family to heal? I'm loving this from an intellectual perspective but I am starting to think that isolation is the only way to prevent myself from hurting others and vice versa.
Not all narcissist are extroverted, exhibitionist, loud and brash. Some are covert but they still become offended and triggered easily. I'm not saying you are but your loud shout of denial could scream that you are.😥
Agreed. I believe the use of the term ‘narcissist’ is inaccurate here. Many with cptsd end up doormats, returning to pain, incapable of leaving terrible relationships, over-givers, people pleasers. In survival mode yes we all become self-serving. Over-giving is not true generosity, for example, if it’s from fear. It’s partially a tactic to entice others to like you more. But it’s still ‘other’ orientated and not completely devoid of wanting others to be happy. There’s a large self-serving element but not true ‘Narcissism’.
What I want to know is if complex trauma is related to massive clutter. No matter how much I try, my house is a complete disaster. I'm not a hoarder (hoarders stockpile stuff and can't part with anything). for me, I just drop things where land, don't do the dishes or laundry, papers EVERYWHERE. I have been like this since I was a child...it follows to every apartment, every home I've ever had. Someone once suggested it's related to child abuse. There was a lot of chaos in my home...physical abuse, emotional neglect...two narcissists for parents. My house looks like a 3D version of what's inside my head.
Yeah, I'm no expert, but clutter is part of the syndrome. I'm CPTSD and my house resembles yours. I guess it's supposed to be about autonomy--it is a form of acting out to try to get it back--but I don't understand the causation yet. I learned about this in connection to narcissism...chronic clutter is a very common reaction to being raised by narcissists, which I was.
ACE score =10/10. Result? 1) CPTSD 2) AVpD 3) 0 tolerance to stress 4) refused all offers in the corporate ladder. Safer to be a top gun at my job, without decision making, without big responsibilities. 5) Dumped all unfaithful friends and acquiantances. You betray me, you're gone. Very small social circle
freeze and fawn and the best thing all can learn is to ground and stay present, self sooth, set boundaries or a plan to leave, find your choice and voice and worth...Indentified in Christ is a good place to know who and whose you are.
Yep you were right this makes feel terrible that the neglect for my sons was worse than physical abuse. I will NEVER encourage staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids again. My ex had NPD, and I had depression and anxiety as a result. I could not be there emotionally the 5 years of the marriage for them. They went through the teen years alone basically. 😢
You are a gift. I used to say all of my trauma was of my own making. My family did everything to help me “handle life”. I started seeing therapists around age 13. I am now 44. I have battled severe alcoholism off and on until about two and a half years ago, but the truth is, no amount of addiction treatment ever made me feel safe. I know you and Dr. Mate attribute almost entirely all complex trauma to abuse and neglect and abandonment in childhood. So you say the worst consequence of complex trauma is shame. It is not, IMO, a coincidence that I haven't drank in this long. Mostly everyone feared the worst for me. My mom had to go to counseling to accept that Iight die soon. You stated that emotional neglect was sometimes worse than all the rest. My thoughts shifted when I started researching a new concept or symptom of adhd as emotional dysregulation. I was seeing these issues in my 3 year old son, as well as sensory processing issues. So it began for him and turned into a journey for him, of course, but then for me. I see validity in what you and Dr Mate indicate regarding complex trauma and unresolved emotional wounds leading to ADHD later in life. However, for myself, those issues were there my whole life in the form of a continuing inability to cope with life. I've been in and out of rehabs and recovery across 3 states over a 20 year span. From the very first counselor I had in that first treatment I have known only to describe my self medicating as a result of feeling “UNSAFE” out in the world. I've been saying for a long Ng time “I have lived my whole life in FFF. I've just survived and tried repeatedly to be “honest with myself and others”, as AA directly insists upon for recovery. Thing is, addiction was a symptom. So I've lived with severe anxiety, I “must always feel ok in the moment” I've repeatedly said “big emotions cause instantaneous physiological changes in my body and all I think is “I can't feel thus. I can't handle this, I need to make it stop at all costs.” HERE is where I believe your point about Borderlibe Personality Disorder. My trauma, caused by a brain based inability to properly regulate my emotions caused constant fear and hypervigilence. I believe that I have almost every single characteristic of complex trauma that you talk about in the and many other discussions, as well as the consequences of unresolved complex trauma as toxic debilitating shame and fear and anger. There's my point: I wholeheartedly believe that my years and years of trauma and shame were the result of unidentified emotional dysregulation problems and my parents, nor counselors, therapists. Psychologists, and very pricey renowned dual-diagnosis psychiatrists could explain why I wasn't getting better. In my case, I had a lifelong neurotransmitter imbalance directly related to both ADHD and Addiction in the areas of motivation/pleasure and reward. Complex trauma can result from a failed healthcare system. A system that took ER as a symptom of adhd out of the dam 5 due to its highly subjective nature. You have really saved my sanity bc the shame I walk around with is barely insufferable, if I'm honest with myself. Ignorance in the medical profession AND indirectly AA told me repeatedly “we’ve tried everything. You should be better. Perhaps you are not being honest with yourself and others. Perhaps you are constitutionally incapable of being honest, but don't worry, you were born that way. Keep coming back though! Fircso lng I received the message “you are selfish, self-centered, insecure, lazy. This needs to change. Could you point me towards any workbyouve done on misdiagnosis or complex trauma resulting fromcsaid oversight? Thank you!!
Fight or flight changes your brain and raises your cortisol until it depletes, causing havac on your body. It causes brain gut issues and long term inflammation. An osteopath or functional Dr can help.
Yes all of that. I had help from an osteopath and kinesiology. I later had long term Alexander technique and Qi gong energy healing. They really helped.
I didn't take this as we became narcs more that we become self sabotaging in the misunderstanding that we are looking out for ourselves in the addiction process stage ..we all have traits of narcissism, because we all have egos.. but a narc has no empathy .. that's not applicable to CPTSD or BPD or neurodiversity who have High Sensitivity or even childhood trauma splitting mechanisms
Regarding I have to talk to you after service remark. It’s not that the person who runs is making a scary situation up… more likely that person had a stress response due to a flashback.
24:30 The opposite is also true: let me protect everyone so I hopefully in turn can receive the protection I need. Love and duty is prioritized over own safety, martyrdom
This is all so true. Hypervigilance - I was in college before I stopped flinching when a male came near me. Once I was on the elevator at the Student Union and I flinched whne a man got on the elevator. That's when I realized this needed to stop. I was flinching because I expected he would hit me, like my father had done. I was also emotionally frozen. When I finally got the birth certificate of my daughter, who I had pl;aced for adoption when I was 19, I had to call in sick to work for 1-2 weeks. I could barely stand up it was so overwhelming. Even though I was in my 30s or 40s then, I had emotionally frozen myself at age 19 and hadn't emotionally grown since then.
Thanks for posting this series. I am trying to get out of my hurt angry sweary stage, but can't find a therapist. One of these days I will, but this is really helpful.
Not all of us turn into narcissists, obviously. But most narcissists, if not all, were abused by a narcissist. My older sister, older brother and I (the youngest) were severely abused and tortured by the eldest brother, while the parental unit, who've emotionally neglected all of their children, just looked the other way or ignored all the abuse, because they were probably afraid of ever triggering the sadistic, violent narcissist oldest son. While I and the second oldest brother did not turn into narcissists, our sister turned into a mean, cruel, sadistic, rage-filled, narcissist, beyond self-deluded, utterly detached from reality with less than zero self-awareness, whose main victim was me for decades, since I maintained what I thought was a sisterly relationship with her until just recently. But it was a lie, a delusion. She's been abusing, using, exploiting and traumatizing me since we were teenagers. Now, after watching Tim's videos, I understand why I am the way I am. CPTSD up the wazoo. These narcissists in my family have destroyed my life
@@olgakim4848 I'm sorry you went through that! I am just recently realizing that I too have CPTSD :( Both my parents are / were narcissists and I do sometimes see small traits in all three of us children at different times. None of my family very is close to one another. I as the youngest seem to be the only one in the family that can or wants to acknowledge the hurt, while the 2 older siblings deny anything and just label me the sensitive one who "blames everything on everybody else." Now in my 50's I'm finally starting to put up boundaries and I see how my siblings and parent act hurt as if I am the bitch now. LOL. It is what it is as they say.
@@micheleodegard7792 Thank you, Michele. I'm sorry that you had to go through that crap, too. But glad you're starting to put up boundaries. Let's now just focus and work hard on healing and our self-growth, self-care, self-love, self-respect. Let's be gentle with and take the best care of ourselves.
@Michele ...Yes! He's dead wrong about that. I was abused by the narcissist and continue to hide from bullies...I have never bullied anyone knowing what it's like...🙏
What do we do when this complex trauma has got us so messed up we can’t come out of the house at all. What do we do? I have 30 of the characteristics or more I’ve not heard all 50 yet and now I see there is actually 60. I can’t leave my house, I don’t trust anyone.. I have a lot of this situations that have happened in my lifetime that you mention.. How do I get help, should I stay inside and just watch these videos the ones on re-parenting how to know I’m ready for those videos.. where do I start with all these videos ?
I got told by a health pro regarding health care that I'm not Boarderline I didn't overdose I didn't have DBT and I look well nourished so no help for me. Yes I felt tremendous abandonment and rejection but I quickly used recover from invalidation skills distraction and it took a few days but hmm yes il appeal and I won't grumble 😁😁
I have had a horrid childhood however I am an Empath. Your information is very interesting and the first Trauma leads to poor decisions and behaviors that lead to more Trauma. I have addictive behaviors and enjoyed 8 years in AA. And ACOA And Alanon for 29 years. CPTSD is a very warped lifestyle in my experience I think CPTSD is label enough. I don't test for BPD or Narcissism. The program needs to acknowledge this concept. Not a Borderline or Narcissistic personality will know they are Not" Crazy". They can't recover and yet I could see this helping people who sincerely are tired of this crazy making and recovery is likev a AlaNON. Great information focus groups?
Wow! I just might have figured out why I was unwanted. I think my father wanted a boy. I was the 2nd child (the first was a girl.) and I have always felt I was meant to be a boy. As a kid, I tried to be the best boy I could be (given that I was a girl). I always helped my father with his chores, around the house and I always tried to be good and competent with things like tools. I was never treated like a girl and never protected or had my feelings indulged. Now I think maybe my mother also didn't like me because I wasn't a boy, and she was disappointed that she hadn't delivered the baby he wanted. I never knew why they didn't like me. I always tried to be - and believe I was - the perfect child. I always tried to help them and be good and obedient. And do this very accurately and quickly. But they just didn't like me. I never knew why. It seemed like they just didn't want to and they would always make up reasons to not like me.
I'm so saddened to hear this is your experience. I do pray you are healing and have found happiness a part from the family you were born into. You sound like an amazing soul. I pray God continue to heal you and prosper you sincerely.
I must have a 'freeze' reaponse. It can literally take me decades to figure something out. "Oh yeah, that's why no one (father or siblings) called me when my mother died - because they changed her Health Care Proxy." Remembered after 24 years.) "Oh yeah, maybe that's why the birthfather wouldn't talk to me when our daughter that was placed for adoption came back into our lives. Maybe it was because my mother sued him." Remembered after 55 years. I never think people would do these things so I'm always caught because I never expect the worst.
It is highly inaccurate to say all people who have suffered complex trauma are narcissists, users or have an attitude of everything being constantly "all about me". Many people with CPTSD end up going the other direction and become over-functioning, perfectionistic people pleasers who believe if they just give and fix everyone else, they won't be abandoned again. It's also incredibly insensitive and further stigmatising people with BPD as "emotional nutjobs" right after saying they are filled with shame and they are terrified of being abandoned. I've listened to so many of your talks as a psychology major in University with a special interest in trauma and found them great. This one really missed the mark, though.
Probably better to say that all narcissists, addicts, etc. have trauma, and that all people with cptsd developed unhealthy coping strategies, which can also show up as the fawn response, co-dependency, being an enabler, etc.
I always have felt I should have gotten addicted to something. It might have helped me deal with my life. There are many addicts in my family - from substance abusers to gamblers to codependents, who avoid their own problems by getting addicted to others. Instead I took the stress out on my physical body, by getting sick and having to be hospitalized many times since I was 5. I have heard it said that this would have only given me 2 problems to deal with. And I would have had to deal with the addiction before I could deal with the psychological problems. But I still debate whether this would have helped me. Unfortunately, I'm in between - too chicken to go whole hog on gettng addicted and too sick to get healthy. I totally relate to his point about wishing I were never born. That's how I've lived most of my life and I can't wait to die.
Would anyone suggest or Tim that an addict that’s in sober living watch his videos. Or that it would be smart for a mother who has been through complex trauma that Tim speaks about, knowing what she did to her son, send one of Tim’s videos to her son? I’m so confused: I want to help my grown kids. Because I’ve been taught I have several of the 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma and I can’t get the right therapy for it . All I find is places that help with PTSD and addiction and I’m not an addict but my son is..
Maybe the narcissism is related to a fight response, but the majority of people with CPTSD actually is a escapegoat of a narcissist and they live in flight, freeze responses that causes dissociation so the person lives without looking after own needs anymore. It's kind opposite.
I NEED HELP! Self diagnosed bpd @48 yrs I could be the poster child for complex trauma. I pushed everybody out of my life so no support . My soul is tired but I want to be better just a lil bit more. Im located Omaha Nebraska so any advice on where to go to get this help or what I should do I’d appreciate it
I agree with some of this and disagree with some of this. Furthermore, as much as I really enjoy Mr Fletcher's discussions, it really bothers me that he was taking some things, (I.e. whoever has borderline personality disorder), and choosing verbiage that was just really lacking in compassion. Also, regarding the narcissism. . . "It's a "me" program seriously has an abundant claim on many souls. I have listened to this numerous times and I always end up coming to the same conclusion so I had to finally write it out.
Re: my needs matter more than yours. My marriage was abusive. How do I put that in context with the complex trauma I have suffered from. My job was to protect my 3 young children
I understand your comment. I like these talks, most of it makes sense, and he does 'get it' as much as anybody, however I really disagree that I became selfish and a N because of it, or that is the only response. My mother became a powerful Narc due to her trauma, there would have been no survival possible if I had been like her as a daughter. She had a different set of rules for a son. There was no being equal in my family. I did NOT have 'it is all about me' I disappeared instead, emotionally and lost energy, even to myself, trying all the time to please others, and of course that doesn't work.. I never learned not to be honest and always got hurt. Somehow I kept going back thinking it will get better this time like an animal that doesn't learn not to touch an electric fence! Eventually I had to give up. l didn't pass it on to my children. My priority for them was grow up to be happy and healthy, and they have, at least much more healthy than I did..
Not everything from his talk will apply to you. Also I think he fears his talks towards people with addictions. What I haven’t heard him talk about yet, is the dynamic between an abusive person and a less dominant one ( probably like your situation ). I see your comment is an old one but I don’t want you to feel bad. If you protected your kids, then you did the right thing! I wish you the best on your healing ❤️🩹
He's got some things very right. But he really has to find another word than narcissistic, because there is something named a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and this only brings confusion. Though NPD might be seen in people with trauma, it's not necessary. I've seen someone turn into a selfish person, simply because he wasn't raised right. In fact, his parents set every switch on to develop NPD. And he did. He's really what we call a narcissist, but without trauma underneath it. Just been put on a pedestal for being male. It would be better if Mr. Fletcher just called traumatized people egocentric, when they are in their pain. For when you are 'bleeding' profusely on the inside, that kind of does take center stage in your life. Much like someone stabbed you with a sharp object. No one in the ER of any hospital would call you selfish, when you come in, doubled in pain and bleeding badly. You'd get all the attention you need and you'd get it now. But serious wounds in the soul cannot be seen so easily. Plus we learn to hide those wounds, since we've found that wounded people get hurt even more by the evils in this world. But when you are 'doubling up and bleeding badly' on the inside, you deserve some proper attention, so you may heal. This world is beyond ridiculous. Let's get some sanity back in.
Hi Mr. Tim Fletcher, I can recommend a good book for you to read in relation to narcism, psychopathy and border line disorder: 'Zero degrees of Empathy - A new theory of human cruelty', by Simon Baron-Cohen.
I wish he would spend a bit of time clarifying things. You may love your child unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean you accept everything they do. If you tell your child to brush their teeth and take a bath and they refuse and get pissed and tell you that you are being mean to them, what do you do? Let them not brush their teeth or wash?
Ya like the name Sqwishy and he is just a baby! And the mother is already calling him this all the time…the mother is 20! And is suffering from Complex Trauma.
26:26 you are becoming a narcissist you said, for people in palms weather is constant trauma... That is so sad it is what I see our society(U.S.) becoming, so many people that I see are just selfish. On the highway so many people are speeding and tailgating, going way too fast for the conditions and their amount of training. They're just thinking about themselves,. And that's just one example...
Whats about mommy provoking daddys anger and signaling to the child that father is dangerous? What about "wait till your father gets home"? Poor women 😭 What about momma using rejection as a form of punishment while being alone with child? Poor women 😭
Suzi i don't know that answer but i know 2 good resources to go thru by yourself or if you have a friend who'd want to meet for weekly tea & sharing. Gabor Mate has many youtube interviews & talks, & over in Perth the Buddhist monastery has good weekly online satsangs. An Australian lady named Linda has youtube channel on CPTSD that is terrific, & does a live Facebook group you could join i think. "CPTSD-TV" or something is the youtube venue.
@Angela Georgia -There are people who will believe you. One of the problems with these issues is that you are isolated and alone. This is true especially in families. When you look up under the label of narcissism scapegoating and tags like that you will learn You are not alone. The scapegoats believe each other because they've all been through the same thing. We really all were abused by people who have a pattern of abusing that we all have experienced alone. Find sites where scapegoats gather and you can get validation and the stories will be eerily similar to your own. Take care. Huggles. Good luck on your journey to healing. L'CHAIM
Besides finding freedom and tim fletcher and all the valuable/ validating videos may i suggest you to look up kris Godinez, lisa a romano , peace and harmony , richard grannon channel here on youtube. Hearing these videos and reading books journaling is where to start. Have a good day and good luck!
It is wrong to call someone a narcissist, if you have been overlooked for so long. A person is rightfully in shock and honestly wants just treatment and true acknowledgement of what a long record did to them. Quiet personalities were overwhelmed by the insensitivity of what came out of other people's mouths or hearts.Tim, you usually are quite accurate, but here, you are not on at all.
Some people develop narcissistic tendencies, and he did say that things can trigger those tendencies, which means those tendencies can come and go, maybe even be overcome, and I wouldn't call that NPD. But I have known full-blown narcissists and they don't change, can't change, wouldn't want to if they could.
@Sherry Robinson ..Absolutely I agree w you. He's wrong to equate CPTSD survivors w narcissists..! Wth Ppl with CPTSD usually are HSP and they have empathy...too much. Narcissists have zero empathy..why would he do this? Maybe his wife has CPTSD. He makes a judgement about having even anger etc. Anger is a survival mechanism etc He needs to stop shaming and blaming the victims! 🙏
@@ts3858 I think you are confused. Tim is say if you are recovering from c trauma, you become sick needy and demanding, you become selfish, (fair enuf) but our personality is narcissistic like it or not!
1) you want subscribers, to advertise your info great! I watch these viseo and loose much miss much valuable info due to pop up ads. These hijack my amygdala - shell shock is not a joke. 3) Let. Anyone advertise and have all the ADS you want?It's your channel no problem! 4) please respect audience have ads pop up after your video not in the middle.
-hyper vigilance
-Trusting no one
-Read negative into everything
-Thinking Worst case scenario
-Reading danger where danger isn’t
-complex trauma means being wounded as a child and then you continue wounding yourself as an adult
- priority #1: personal safety >> this causes bumping down other core priorities. Decisions based on immediate results and safety. Safety more than loving other people.
Thank you
Protection that your brain does but ironically sabotages your relationships
Well said...thank you.🙏💗💗
This also seems to fit ADHD, being human is sloppy!👍🏼👍🏼😬
This is the way police in America are trained to be.
Thirty six years of trying to get sober, going to inpatient treatment 16 times. No one ever mentioned this. I’m amazed and horrified and really angry and sad
I'm so sorry. Our current healthcare system has so many blind spots, so behind on the latest in neuroscience...and the other systems, schools, law enforcement, courts...also, have a huge lack of information in this regard.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you can heal and experience deep peace 💕
peace be with you Christina
Same here
Have been going to therapy and never once has the therapist mentioned codependence or complex trauma🤔🤯
Complex trauma perfectly explains why I struggle so much. I honestly think I have a combination of complex trauma and classical PTSD from the military and the two work against me
Your not alone!
When some people are overwhelmed, they are so in shock, they can't even find the words literally. The mind freezes in disbelief. I had that type of shut down for years.
That's the freeze part catatonic almost how did you. Start to recover?
I was like that when I was a kid. I score extremely high on autism screening tests. I can't tell if it's that or just trauma. Maybe both? Maybe they are one and the same. I call it traumautism.
@@mikedenault3816 when I think about freeze in nature I thought it was like playing dead but is freeze actually shutting down your responses to be ready to get killed? Scary thought but I'm curious
@@mikedenault3816 pain and awareness.
I have cptsd from having been raised by a narcissist mother and I am absolutely not a narcissist myself!
Not everyone has all 60 symptoms. Are you a people pleaser?
I never had addiction, i knew I couldn't come back from that as a child. I went into meditating to fix myself and learned all of these concepts without the words and organization this man has... what an amazing resource this man is. He's absolutely right stopping the narcissistic ego is excruciating, it feels like you're dying. In tantra they call it ego death. The first ego death is the hardest, after that you've seen your strength, your resilience, you will be amazed as much or more amazed at the creation of a child. You will shed the garbage that was dumped on you and you will emerge a beautiful human being you're so proud of. You won't fear others because you will know who you are. You will become unshakable. Do this process you can do it in a few years. Shed the trash in your psyche and accept it will be very uncomfortable.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making these videos public! So many are wanting to make money 💰 off of everyone. You are an angel to teach for no charge, so much critical knowledge!
You just described my whole childhood from day one. The family generational gift that keeps on giving.
Same here
I don't know if you read your comments from something posted five years ago... but I discovered you recently and...can't find the exact words... but just astonished, amazed, thankful, emotional over listening to your talks on trauma and coping. How you exactly pinpoint things I've done that I just couldn't understand (sabotaging my life,) and the intense pain, weight issues (food has been my drug of choice,) ups and downs. I am a Christian and walk in a peace I didn't have in my young adult years.... but I have continued to be plagued by things I didn't understand. I had extremely loving, insightful parents. Brilliant in fact. My late father was a famous psychiatrist who wrote a best selling self help book. Sadly (and I completely understand so much more about him after listening to you) I know he had childhood trauma. He had facial scars from when a burning sack was put over his head by his older brothers. And he had a cold uncaring mother. Even with all his brilliance, care for others and insights, he was an alcoholic. It took him to some pretty low places... but in his later years he didn't drink and was devoted to the church. Back to my life: when their book became a best seller... I was about 10 and my sister 14. She loved riding horses, so while they. traveled the country appearing on tv shows and such... we were left out at the ranch. I think my mom felt it was safe because a Christian woman and her husband ran it. And that woman was nice. But there were multiple other characters who were not safe at all. Bullying, mean, and ultimately by the time I was 11 and 12... I was drinking hard alcohol and had older men taking advantage of me. I already had issues from my dad's drinking. Everything combined: so much pain, humiliation, unsafety, abandonment...on and on. By the time I was about 14... I wanted to leave that whole world behind. And I did. I never went to the ranch again. I wanted to forget that time existed. I became very thin and wanted to be a "good girl." Very attractive and "perfect" on the outside, (people called me "Farrah,") but the inside was a mess. After college and a lot of drinking, including a DUI (I drank especially when I was with a young man I was attracted to, I never felt comfortable,) I moved to Hollywood, had some success and also was really wanting to be a Christian... but all these painful things you talk about kept plaguing me (my reactions to things.) The greater the opportunity, the more I would mess it up. I could write a book on all of it... But I just have to say... I have been to ACA, Celebrate Recovery, talked to a few therapists, listened to countless sermons, messages... but I have never heard anyone address my life's issues like you have. I really feel hopeful that I can find true health and have it be consistent. Even though I am older now... there is life ahead. I am counting on Christ's grace and forgiveness for the mistakes I've made. And there have been some stemming from these coping behaviors that I have a hard time forgiving myself for. But now that I have a better and deeper understanding of why I did what I did... I am more compassionate to myself. I love my children and husband dearly. And by God's grace, we do have a kind, loving, happy home. But when they were young... I was in a lot of pain because of in-laws I perceived as very critical and not affirming at all. It occupied my mind constantly. I was loving to them, but I was depressed and preoccupied. Lost days I should have been only focused on my children. I feel so sad about that. But I am thankful God restores. I know this is long...but I just felt the need to say thank you. What a treasure of information, insight and hope. I am sharing your talks with my daughter who has had some struggles as a young adult. God bless and thank you.
@@GretchenKeskeys wow and I said here and read it all.. I’ love what you shared so much! It is so helpful to me and others who are super struggling with all of that now.. the guilt about the lost time with my kids is one of the worst aspects of it so that made me tear up… ❤️❤️❤️
I came back to this again after watching so many other videos and it still applies. I found myself in tears at least twice because my feelings and what I experience daily were validated. I've been stuck in hypervigilance and hyperarousal every day, all day for some time now and it's so incredibly difficult tolerate and even harder to move away from. It's an unbearable way to "live"/exist. I can't believe this channel doesn't have more subs. 🤦🏼♀️ I share this channel on a regular basis because I feel everyone can relate to some aspect of it, if not many or all. I love everything you've been doing to help others, Tim. I'm 40 now, and for the last 10 years I've told everyone I feel like I'm living my life in reverse. I was a workaholic perfectionist that was ultra responsible for so long and now I'm finding myself stuck in my 8/9 yr old mindset, wishing I had those healthy "surrogate parents" that would take me in and guide me like I've always needed. I don't trust myself to know who's healthy and who's not because I've fooled myself so many times before, or I guess I actually didn't understand what "healthy" was, because that's not what I grew up around or navigated towards in my relationships. I am so grateful for how much sense you make, and at the same time I find myself sort of grieving everything I learned and mal-adapted to. 35 minutes of hearing you talk is >15+ years of consistent therapy, medications, and hospitalizations. Thank you 🕊🤍
That is a true description. healing is full of pain, but I did find I reached a better place, and I am sure you will too. I did free writing for years trying to get all the junk out of my head. I questioned whether I would ever get to the end of feeling I had to do that. Nearly all the bad memories are tucked away in a proper place now. Years ago someone said that the trauma and memories of all the hurtful things was sloshing around like like boxes on a boat that had not been tethered. and the contents scattered. Now it feels as if it has been stowed and secured.You will get to a better place. Best wishes.
Everything wonderful except the misuse of ‘Narcissist’.
Self-serving yes, everyone is that while in an acute state of survival. Narcissism is a very different psychological disorder.
Many with CPTSD become quite the opposite, and subsequently attract narcissists who abuse them and further their trauma.
Sam Vaknin's definition of Covert BPD may be of interest
Today marks one of the best days of my life. I clicked on a YT Video with Dr. Fletcher talking about Trauma. I was just curious but it opened a Closed Chess of emotions. I can relate to everything that Dr. Fletcher is talking about and look forward to viewing all the Vids....🙏
One of the things I learned as a rent-a-kid was that selfishness was a survival tactic!
This is one of the most eye-opening talks on Complex Trauma I’ve ever watched. Thank you, Mr. Fletcher.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder / CPTSD. I am a recovered drug addict, but I'm still empty, depressed and sometimes angry. I am glad I found this.
I’m hoping this series will change my life.
He spot on identifying trauma acting out behaviors. It would be so nice to have some solutions and not just focus on the problem!
check out Richard Grannon. He does offer therapies and behaviour modification exercises...hope it helps !
Watch Tim on Reparenting ♥️
@@josephzsoka874 wow thanks for that ! ❤
I understand why this is presented in the context of childhood experiences. But as he's talking, I am reminded of my sister's 12 year relationship with an abusive person and his cult-like family; my own professional experience doing tech support for a cable company then 15 years in another industry reporting to an insidious "nice" person who was actually a micromanaging nightmare, I think of my friend's experiences in the military... there are so many ways we can live with ongoing daily trauma. Maybe he'll address this in a future lecture, but I suspect those of us who grew up in the environments he describes are more likely to stay in those environments as adults until we process it and learn the skills to identify and manage.
Absolutely. I think we do repeat patterns/relationships until we heal
Freud coined the term Repetition Compulsion
I’m far from a Narcissist. I care more about others, more than myself. Even with all my childhood trauma.
Yup. Thought the same. I guess it’s not all black and white. There are always exceptions to the rule.
I would suggest that you watch more of his lectures. I believe being ‘too nice’ IS a reaction to trauma
Maybe you're a codependent.
Narcissists dont watch self help videos
Wow it's so refreshing to hear Tim talk about the maladaptive system of negative thinking when he used the example of someone saying I want to talk to you afterwards. I used to become so unsettled when I heard that but as I have healed a bit I realize it's not always the case.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
- Proverbs 22:6
It’s only now that I’m older (42), that I truly understand what this means. I don’t have any children, but I can see it clear as day, namely with those of us that have been through the meat grinder.
This describes my life so well 🥺🙏 help Lord!
I love the casual way of explaining and approaching these topics, love these videos.
Me too
I'm a narcissist; some parts of this video were was hard for me to hear. I have used people to meet my survival needs. I'm not trying to make excuses I've done terrible terrible things. The thing is, my real need to feel love for someone and feel love from someone has never been met, but my basic survival needs have been met.. As a narcissist, I've never had a happy life. It's a lonely life, too. I've seriously have hurt people deeply and I've ruined more relationships than I can count. I'm 50 now and alone and in therapy since 2008 but I feel like it is too late for me because it has taken so long just to get where I am today. I look back on how I treated people in my past and feel guilty and remorseful. I’ll carry that with me as penance for the damage I did to so many people in my life.
God will forgive you and change your life if you let him. Find a good bible based church that believes in Salvation. He’s the only one that can take away how bad you feel. Search for him and you will find him!❤❤❤
Oh Hallelujah!! I’ve concluded from my experiences that people are far smarter than those judging them assume.
I say this because every mask I developed has actually helped me function in society.
Therefore, when I did the work of “becoming healthy” by getting rid of my coping mechanisms, I got worse.
When you say that addicts are using something to cover up a deeper trauma, you’re finally stating what I’ve discovered, and how I’ve gotten stuck.
Going through this series of yours is hard.
Its so confrontational.
Its like having a hot rod plunged into your heart.
But after that it feels like a new day.
Thank you so much. ❤
1:30 grief letter, solution to a problem
2:20 AFM, 97 percent of addicts have CT
11:00 gift of addiction
13:30 emotional arrested development
15:32 distress intolerance
This is very good, accurate but you forgot one.
When the complex trauma makes a person unable to recognize dangerous situations. Where they will walk into a bad situation without identifying the warning signs. Danger whether it's physical or emotional may walk into it repeatedly because they don't observe the signs and signals that a healthy person would pick up on. Instead, those things 'feel' and seem normal so they proceed and inevitably are harmed, yet again.
NOT ALL BECOME NARCISSISTS! Some become or are empaths. They feel everything that everyone feels. They can't take care of their own needs and as a result are hurt again and again. They stay longer than they should. They keep giving until they are completely broken down.
You need to update your info on this. You got so much right but this is a very important outcome of complex trauma. You are only focused on addiction coming from one personality type. That's not accurate.
It's important to have all of the information if your are to help those who need it most.
Being an empath is not an excuse. It’s a superpower like any other that can be a blessing or a curse. Whether or not you choose to become an empowered empath, where you learn how to not let energy effect you unless you want to, is the choice of each empath.
I'm confused. I have almost always put my chilhood family's needs ahead of mine. I have been very forceful about making sure I could provide for them and make as many opportunities available for them as possible. I feel this also came from a place of fear, as I never wanted the lack in my childhood to repeat itself in my siblings. And yet this talk makes me think the drive behind me was narcissism? And where is one meant to get this surrogate family to heal? I'm loving this from an intellectual perspective but I am starting to think that isolation is the only way to prevent myself from hurting others and vice versa.
Not all narcissist are extroverted, exhibitionist, loud and brash. Some are covert but they still become offended and triggered easily. I'm not saying you are but your loud shout of denial could scream that you are.😥
Agreed. I believe the use of the term ‘narcissist’ is inaccurate here.
Many with cptsd end up doormats, returning to pain, incapable of leaving terrible relationships, over-givers, people pleasers.
In survival mode yes we all become self-serving. Over-giving is not true generosity, for example, if it’s from fear. It’s partially a tactic to entice others to like you more. But it’s still ‘other’ orientated and not completely devoid of wanting others to be happy. There’s a large self-serving element but not true ‘Narcissism’.
Codependent
Loved this...great ending...trust needs to be earned slowly...
What I want to know is if complex trauma is related to massive clutter. No matter how much I try, my house is a complete disaster. I'm not a hoarder (hoarders stockpile stuff and can't part with anything). for me, I just drop things where land, don't do the dishes or laundry, papers EVERYWHERE. I have been like this since I was a child...it follows to every apartment, every home I've ever had. Someone once suggested it's related to child abuse. There was a lot of chaos in my home...physical abuse, emotional neglect...two narcissists for parents. My house looks like a 3D version of what's inside my head.
Yeah, I'm no expert, but clutter is part of the syndrome. I'm CPTSD and my house resembles yours. I guess it's supposed to be about autonomy--it is a form of acting out to try to get it back--but I don't understand the causation yet. I learned about this in connection to narcissism...chronic clutter is a very common reaction to being raised by narcissists, which I was.
Sounds like ADHD. I. The same
ACE score =10/10.
Result?
1) CPTSD
2) AVpD
3) 0 tolerance to stress
4) refused all offers in the corporate ladder. Safer to be a top gun at my job, without decision making, without big responsibilities.
5) Dumped all unfaithful friends and acquiantances. You betray me, you're gone. Very small social circle
Let's not forget the coping strategy Fawn, next to fight, flight and freeze. Coping by focusing on the other person (taking care of them)
What about fawn response? Tons of people use the fawn response, it's the most socially acceptable survival tool also
I use the fawn response and it really it
freeze and fawn and the best thing all can learn is to ground and stay present, self sooth, set boundaries or a plan to leave, find your choice and voice and worth...Indentified in Christ is a good place to know who and whose you are.
@@S-terNicholsare you suggesting Christianity for people suffering from complex trauma
@@platzpropeller858I don't think he is just suggesting Christianity, but rather a personal relationship with Christ .
Brilliant - thank you for sharing your knowledge. I think I may start to heal.
Yep you were right this makes feel terrible that the neglect for my sons was worse than physical abuse. I will NEVER encourage staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids again. My ex had NPD, and I had depression and anxiety as a result. I could not be there emotionally the 5 years of the marriage for them. They went through the teen years alone basically. 😢
Described my childhood perfectly (combination of abuse and neglect). Makes sense honestly. This video is wild for me to watch.
You are a gift. I used to say all of my trauma was of my own making. My family did everything to help me “handle life”. I started seeing therapists around age 13. I am now 44. I have battled severe alcoholism off and on until about two and a half years ago, but the truth is, no amount of addiction treatment ever made me feel safe. I know you and Dr. Mate attribute almost entirely all complex trauma to abuse and neglect and abandonment in childhood. So you say the worst consequence of complex trauma is shame. It is not, IMO, a coincidence that I haven't drank in this long. Mostly everyone feared the worst for me. My mom had to go to counseling to accept that Iight die soon. You stated that emotional neglect was sometimes worse than all the rest. My thoughts shifted when I started researching a new concept or symptom of adhd as emotional dysregulation. I was seeing these issues in my 3 year old son, as well as sensory processing issues. So it began for him and turned into a journey for him, of course, but then for me. I see validity in what you and Dr Mate indicate regarding complex trauma and unresolved emotional wounds leading to ADHD later in life. However, for myself, those issues were there my whole life in the form of a continuing inability to cope with life. I've been in and out of rehabs and recovery across 3 states over a 20 year span. From the very first counselor I had in that first treatment I have known only to describe my self medicating as a result of feeling “UNSAFE” out in the world.
I've been saying for a long Ng time “I have lived my whole life in FFF. I've just survived and tried repeatedly to be “honest with myself and others”, as AA directly insists upon for recovery. Thing is, addiction was a symptom. So I've lived with severe anxiety, I “must always feel ok in the moment” I've repeatedly said “big emotions cause instantaneous physiological changes in my body and all I think is “I can't feel thus. I can't handle this, I need to make it stop at all costs.” HERE is where I believe your point about Borderlibe Personality Disorder. My trauma, caused by a brain based inability to properly regulate my emotions caused constant fear and hypervigilence. I believe that I have almost every single characteristic of complex trauma that you talk about in the and many other discussions, as well as the consequences of unresolved complex trauma as toxic debilitating shame and fear and anger. There's my point: I wholeheartedly believe that my years and years of trauma and shame were the result of unidentified emotional dysregulation problems and my parents, nor counselors, therapists. Psychologists, and very pricey renowned dual-diagnosis psychiatrists could explain why I wasn't getting better. In my case, I had a lifelong neurotransmitter imbalance directly related to both ADHD and Addiction in the areas of motivation/pleasure and reward. Complex trauma can result from a failed healthcare system. A system that took ER as a symptom of adhd out of the dam 5 due to its highly subjective nature. You have really saved my sanity bc the shame I walk around with is barely insufferable, if I'm honest with myself. Ignorance in the medical profession AND indirectly AA told me repeatedly “we’ve tried everything. You should be better. Perhaps you are not being honest with yourself and others. Perhaps you are constitutionally incapable of being honest, but don't worry, you were born that way. Keep coming back though! Fircso lng I received the message “you are selfish, self-centered, insecure, lazy. This needs to change. Could you point me towards any workbyouve done on misdiagnosis or complex trauma resulting fromcsaid oversight? Thank you!!
Im so glad I found this channel.
This video is the best!!! So helpful and educational. Thank You❤️❤️❤️
See me afterwards. I felt the stress in my body, omg, this is a video. So happy I found this
Fight or flight changes your brain and raises your cortisol until it depletes, causing havac on your body. It causes brain gut issues and long term inflammation. An osteopath or functional Dr can help.
Yes all of that. I had help from an osteopath and kinesiology. I later had long term Alexander technique and Qi gong energy healing. They really helped.
Thank you both for your comments. Really helps. Did you (both) recover fully(
I didn't take this as we became narcs more that we become self sabotaging in the misunderstanding that we are looking out for ourselves in the addiction process stage ..we all have traits of narcissism, because we all have egos.. but a narc has no empathy .. that's not applicable to CPTSD or BPD or neurodiversity who have High Sensitivity or even childhood trauma splitting mechanisms
I have an ACES score of 7. I understand more and more how and why my life was so difficult now.
Bro explained my life spot on
Thank you for this wonderful and deeply helpful channel, dear Tim! One of a kind.
I wish these videos were listed in order. I had to hunt all down the list to find the first video.
this is very helpful and informative can’t thank you enough
I absolutely love this man! Thank you, Tim ❤
Regarding I have to talk to you after service remark. It’s not that the person who runs is making a scary situation up… more likely that person had a stress response due to a flashback.
24:30 The opposite is also true: let me protect everyone so I hopefully in turn can receive the protection I need. Love and duty is prioritized over own safety, martyrdom
It's all so sad. This video describes my entire life until now.
This is all so true. Hypervigilance - I was in college before I stopped flinching when a male came near me. Once I was on the elevator at the Student Union and I flinched whne a man got on the elevator. That's when I realized this needed to stop. I was flinching because I expected he would hit me, like my father had done. I was also emotionally frozen. When I finally got the birth certificate of my daughter, who I had pl;aced for adoption when I was 19, I had to call in sick to work for 1-2 weeks. I could barely stand up it was so overwhelming. Even though I was in my 30s or 40s then, I had emotionally frozen myself at age 19 and hadn't emotionally grown since then.
46 years old and I still live on eggshells by habit in my own home .
Thanks for posting this series. I am trying to get out of my hurt angry sweary stage, but can't find a therapist. One of these days I will, but this is really helpful.
I've never found a therapist that helped really. I'm 48. This is way more helpful
thank you ive been looking for this series
Very informative. Thank you!
Thank you so much !!! Best greets from Germany
I disagree that we are turned into narcissist's...we were traumatized by the narcissist!!
Not all of us turn into narcissists, obviously. But most narcissists, if not all, were abused by a narcissist. My older sister, older brother and I (the youngest) were severely abused and tortured by the eldest brother, while the parental unit, who've emotionally neglected all of their children, just looked the other way or ignored all the abuse, because they were probably afraid of ever triggering the sadistic, violent narcissist oldest son.
While I and the second oldest brother did not turn into narcissists, our sister turned into a mean, cruel, sadistic, rage-filled, narcissist, beyond self-deluded, utterly detached from reality with less than zero self-awareness, whose main victim was me for decades, since I maintained what I thought was a sisterly relationship with her until just recently. But it was a lie, a delusion. She's been abusing, using, exploiting and traumatizing me since we were teenagers.
Now, after watching Tim's videos, I understand why I am the way I am. CPTSD up the wazoo. These narcissists in my family have destroyed my life
@@olgakim4848 I'm sorry you went through that! I am just recently realizing that I too have CPTSD :( Both my parents are / were narcissists and I do sometimes see small traits in all three of us children at different times. None of my family very is close to one another. I as the youngest seem to be the only one in the family that can or wants to acknowledge the hurt, while the 2 older siblings deny anything and just label me the sensitive one who "blames everything on everybody else." Now in my 50's I'm finally starting to put up boundaries and I see how my siblings and parent act hurt as if I am the bitch now. LOL. It is what it is as they say.
@@micheleodegard7792 Thank you, Michele. I'm sorry that you had to go through that crap, too. But glad you're starting to put up boundaries. Let's now just focus and work hard on healing and our self-growth, self-care, self-love, self-respect. Let's be gentle with and take the best care of ourselves.
@Michele ...Yes! He's dead wrong about that. I was abused by the narcissist and continue to hide from bullies...I have never bullied anyone knowing what it's like...🙏
@@ts3858 Yep me neither!
What do we do when this complex trauma has got us so messed up we can’t come out of the house at all. What do we do? I have 30 of the characteristics or more I’ve not heard all 50 yet and now I see there is actually 60. I can’t leave my house, I don’t trust anyone.. I have a lot of this situations that have happened in my lifetime that you mention.. How do I get help, should I stay inside and just watch these videos the ones on re-parenting how to know I’m ready for those videos.. where do I start with all these videos ?
I got told by a health pro regarding health care that I'm not Boarderline I didn't overdose I didn't have DBT and I look well nourished so no help for me. Yes I felt tremendous abandonment and rejection but I quickly used recover from invalidation skills distraction and it took a few days but hmm yes il appeal and I won't grumble 😁😁
I have had a horrid childhood however I am an Empath. Your information is very interesting and the first Trauma leads to poor decisions and behaviors that lead to more Trauma. I have addictive behaviors and enjoyed 8 years in AA. And ACOA And Alanon for 29 years. CPTSD is a very warped lifestyle in my experience I think CPTSD is label enough. I don't test for BPD or Narcissism. The program needs to acknowledge this concept. Not a Borderline or Narcissistic personality will know they are Not" Crazy". They can't recover and yet I could see this helping people who sincerely are tired of this crazy making and recovery is likev a AlaNON. Great information focus groups?
The info I've watched says that empaths are more vulnerable to complex trauma because they are sensitive and pick up signals so easily ...
Empath is a euphemism for codependent.
Really about empaths is euphemism for codependent?? 😮
Wow! I just might have figured out why I was unwanted. I think my father wanted a boy. I was the 2nd child (the first was a girl.) and I have always felt I was meant to be a boy. As a kid, I tried to be the best boy I could be (given that I was a girl). I always helped my father with his chores, around the house and I always tried to be good and competent with things like tools. I was never treated like a girl and never protected or had my feelings indulged.
Now I think maybe my mother also didn't like me because I wasn't a boy, and she was disappointed that she hadn't delivered the baby he wanted.
I never knew why they didn't like me. I always tried to be - and believe I was - the perfect child. I always tried to help them and be good and obedient. And do this very accurately and quickly. But they just didn't like me. I never knew why. It seemed like they just didn't want to and they would always make up reasons to not like me.
I'm so saddened to hear this is your experience. I do pray you are healing and have found happiness a part from the family you were born into. You sound like an amazing soul. I pray God continue to heal you and prosper you sincerely.
I must have a 'freeze' reaponse. It can literally take me decades to figure something out. "Oh yeah, that's why no one (father or siblings) called me when my mother died - because they changed her Health Care Proxy." Remembered after 24 years.) "Oh yeah, maybe that's why the birthfather wouldn't talk to me when our daughter that was placed for adoption came back into our lives. Maybe it was because my mother sued him." Remembered after 55 years. I never think people would do these things so I'm always caught because I never expect the worst.
It is highly inaccurate to say all people who have suffered complex trauma are narcissists, users or have an attitude of everything being constantly "all about me". Many people with CPTSD end up going the other direction and become over-functioning, perfectionistic people pleasers who believe if they just give and fix everyone else, they won't be abandoned again.
It's also incredibly insensitive and further stigmatising people with BPD as "emotional nutjobs" right after saying they are filled with shame and they are terrified of being abandoned.
I've listened to so many of your talks as a psychology major in University with a special interest in trauma and found them great. This one really missed the mark, though.
Probably better to say that all narcissists, addicts, etc. have trauma, and that all people with cptsd developed unhealthy coping strategies, which can also show up as the fawn response, co-dependency, being an enabler, etc.
what a fabulous content.....thank you.....
Wow. Thank you.
Brilliant!
I always have felt I should have gotten addicted to something. It might have helped me deal with my life. There are many addicts in my family - from substance abusers to gamblers to codependents, who avoid their own problems by getting addicted to others. Instead I took the stress out on my physical body, by getting sick and having to be hospitalized many times since I was 5. I have heard it said that this would have only given me 2 problems to deal with. And I would have had to deal with the addiction before I could deal with the psychological problems. But I still debate whether this would have helped me. Unfortunately, I'm in between - too chicken to go whole hog on gettng addicted and too sick to get healthy. I totally relate to his point about wishing I were never born. That's how I've lived most of my life and I can't wait to die.
Would anyone suggest or Tim that an addict that’s in sober living watch his videos. Or that it would be smart for a mother who has been through complex trauma that Tim speaks about, knowing what she did to her son, send one of Tim’s videos to her son? I’m so confused: I want to help my grown kids. Because I’ve been taught I have several of the 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma and I can’t get the right therapy for it . All I find is places that help with PTSD and addiction and I’m not an addict but my son is..
Maybe the narcissism is related to a fight response, but the majority of people with CPTSD actually is a escapegoat of a narcissist and they live in flight, freeze responses that causes dissociation so the person lives without looking after own needs anymore. It's kind opposite.
Tim,
Read Rosenberg's Codependency Revolution.
Watching from Winnipeg, Hi Tim.
I NEED HELP! Self diagnosed bpd @48 yrs I could be the poster child for complex trauma. I pushed everybody out of my life so no support . My soul is tired but I want to be better just a lil bit more. Im located Omaha Nebraska so any advice on where to go to get this help or what I should do I’d appreciate it
Great job 👏
I backed up my escape hatch to any negative unpleasant emotion...
God bless u. Thank u for all of this wealth.❤
Very relatable.
I agree with some of this and disagree with some of this. Furthermore, as much as I really enjoy Mr Fletcher's discussions, it really bothers me that he was taking some things, (I.e. whoever has borderline personality disorder), and choosing verbiage that was just really lacking in compassion.
Also, regarding the narcissism. . . "It's a "me" program seriously has an abundant claim on many souls.
I have listened to this numerous times and I always end up coming to the same conclusion so I had to finally write it out.
Re: my needs matter more than yours. My marriage was abusive. How do I put that in context with the complex trauma I have suffered from. My job was to protect my 3 young children
I understand your comment. I like these talks, most of it makes sense, and he does 'get it' as much as anybody, however I really disagree that I became selfish and a N because of it, or that is the only response. My mother became a powerful Narc due to her trauma, there would have been no survival possible if I had been like her as a daughter. She had a different set of rules for a son. There was no being equal in my family. I did NOT have 'it is all about me' I disappeared instead, emotionally and lost energy, even to myself, trying all the time to please others, and of course that doesn't work.. I never learned not to be honest and always got hurt. Somehow I kept going back thinking it will get better this time like an animal that doesn't learn not to touch an electric fence! Eventually I had to give up. l didn't pass it on to my children. My priority for them was grow up to be happy and healthy, and they have, at least much more healthy than I did..
Suzi & Linda, you are heroes to your kids & to the future of this planet. Thank you for fighting the good fight & walking the road less travelled.
Not everything from his talk will apply to you. Also I think he fears his talks towards people with addictions. What I haven’t heard him talk about yet, is the dynamic between an abusive person and a less dominant one ( probably like your situation ). I see your comment is an old one but I don’t want you to feel bad. If you protected your kids, then you did the right thing! I wish you the best on your healing ❤️🩹
@@Sedum54 I feel like you pretty much described my childhood, my role, and how I adapted or maladapted.
@@lizafield9002 Just read this. Thank you.
He's got some things very right. But he really has to find another word than narcissistic, because there is something named a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and this only brings confusion. Though NPD might be seen in people with trauma, it's not necessary. I've seen someone turn into a selfish person, simply because he wasn't raised right. In fact, his parents set every switch on to develop NPD. And he did. He's really what we call a narcissist, but without trauma underneath it. Just been put on a pedestal for being male. It would be better if Mr. Fletcher just called traumatized people egocentric, when they are in their pain. For when you are 'bleeding' profusely on the inside, that kind of does take center stage in your life. Much like someone stabbed you with a sharp object. No one in the ER of any hospital would call you selfish, when you come in, doubled in pain and bleeding badly. You'd get all the attention you need and you'd get it now.
But serious wounds in the soul cannot be seen so easily. Plus we learn to hide those wounds, since we've found that wounded people get hurt even more by the evils in this world. But when you are 'doubling up and bleeding badly' on the inside, you deserve some proper attention, so you may heal.
This world is beyond ridiculous. Let's get some sanity back in.
I grew up with all four scenarios..
I'm sorry. Hope you've been able to work through some of it and realize your worth.
How about 60 yo on the paper and on quite a few areas 2-3 yo ?
Yayyy! 🥳🙄
* For example how to connect (=mission impossible)
Where do I find a healthy safe surrogate family?
Hi Mr. Tim Fletcher,
I can recommend a good book for you to read in relation to narcism, psychopathy and border line disorder: 'Zero degrees of Empathy - A new theory of human cruelty', by Simon Baron-Cohen.
Rhis was excellent 👍
Ty❤
does complex trauma only develop in childhood? teenage years or can adults develop complex trauma?
I wish he would spend a bit of time clarifying things.
You may love your child unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean you accept everything they do. If you tell your child to brush their teeth and take a bath and they refuse and get pissed and tell you that you are being mean to them, what do you do? Let them not brush their teeth or wash?
Go to your room your own room at times that's not healthy and that has happened way to much in the recent generations
Ya like the name Sqwishy and he is just a baby! And the mother is already calling him this all the time…the mother is 20! And is suffering from Complex Trauma.
26:26 you are becoming a narcissist you said, for people in palms weather is constant trauma... That is so sad it is what I see our society(U.S.) becoming, so many people that I see are just selfish. On the highway so many people are speeding and tailgating, going way too fast for the conditions and their amount of training. They're just thinking about themselves,. And that's just one example...
Whats about mommy provoking daddys anger and signaling to the child that father is dangerous?
What about "wait till your father gets home"? Poor women 😭
What about momma using rejection as a form of punishment while being alone with child? Poor women 😭
Rosenberg "Codependency Revolution"
Do you have any suggested contacts in Melbourne Australia?
Suzi i don't know that answer but i know 2 good resources to go thru by yourself or if you have a friend who'd want to meet for weekly tea & sharing. Gabor Mate has many youtube interviews & talks, & over in Perth the Buddhist monastery has good weekly online satsangs. An Australian lady named Linda has youtube channel on CPTSD that is terrific, & does a live Facebook group you could join i think. "CPTSD-TV" or something is the youtube venue.
Just looked it up--"Linda Meredith Complex ptsd-tv." She lists resources & therapies. Very humane & heroic uplifting person--& she's been thru it.
Minute 19… lol yup
So what do you do when people don't believe you
@Angela Georgia -There are people who will believe you. One of the problems with these issues is that you are isolated and alone. This is true especially in families. When you look up under the label of narcissism scapegoating and tags like that you will learn You are not alone. The scapegoats believe each other because they've all been through the same thing. We really all were abused by people who have a pattern of abusing that we all have experienced alone. Find sites where scapegoats gather and you can get validation and the stories will be eerily similar to your own. Take care. Huggles. Good luck on your journey to healing. L'CHAIM
@@askyeshka726 i have had a spiritual awakening and wow my eyes are really open now and the law of attraction is well working for me yaaaay
Besides finding freedom and tim fletcher and all the valuable/ validating videos may i suggest you to look up kris Godinez, lisa a romano , peace and harmony , richard grannon channel here on youtube. Hearing these videos and reading books journaling is where to start. Have a good day and good luck!
Find people who do, because they have lived the reality of abuse! Any local CODA is a place to start
It is wrong to call someone a narcissist, if you have been overlooked for so long. A person is rightfully in shock and honestly wants just treatment and true acknowledgement of what a long record did to them. Quiet personalities were overwhelmed by the insensitivity of what came out of other people's mouths or hearts.Tim, you usually are quite accurate, but here, you are not on at all.
Some people develop narcissistic tendencies, and he did say that things can trigger those tendencies, which means those tendencies can come and go, maybe even be overcome, and I wouldn't call that NPD. But I have known full-blown narcissists and they don't change, can't change, wouldn't want to if they could.
@Sherry Robinson ..Absolutely I agree w you. He's wrong to equate CPTSD survivors w narcissists..! Wth
Ppl with CPTSD usually are HSP and they have empathy...too much. Narcissists have zero empathy..why would he do this? Maybe his wife has CPTSD.
He makes a judgement about having even anger etc. Anger is a survival mechanism etc
He needs to stop shaming and blaming the victims! 🙏
@@ts3858 I think you are confused. Tim is say if you are recovering from c trauma, you become sick needy and demanding, you become selfish, (fair enuf) but our personality is narcissistic like it or not!
1) you want subscribers, to advertise your info great!
I watch these viseo and loose much miss much valuable info due to pop up ads.
These hijack my amygdala - shell shock is not a joke.
3) Let.
Anyone advertise and have all the ADS you want?It's your channel no problem!
4) please respect audience have ads pop up after your video not in the middle.
Rosenberg "The Human Magnet Syndrome"
My own mother tried to kill me...