Why you’re an emotional sponge and 5 Tips for Better Boundaries
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- Опубліковано 31 бер 2020
- Do you seem to take on other people’s emotions and then have trouble managing them? In this video I answer a viewer question and discuss two reason you can be an emotional sponge:
1. Having low emotional intelligence
2. Being a people pleaser or wanting to save people
I also discuss 5 ways to stop being an emotional sponge.
1. Increase your self-awareness. You can get help identifying your true emotions with emotions cards that you can download from markspsychiatry.com/emotional-...
2. Identify the origin of your emotions
3. Learn to manage your emotions so they don’t overwhelm you
4. Establish clear boundaries between yourself and others
5. Understand what’s behind your need to save people
Videos referenced in this video
How to Manage Your Emotions • How to Deal with Negat...
How to Challenge Your Distorted Thoughts • How to Change Your Sel...
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Also I grew up in a house where if mama wasn’t happy no one was. We scrambled to make her happy. Impossible but we tried.
It was a continuous struggle at attempts to please a narcissistic mother. It's devastating to children, when their love is unconditional fir their parents, and then further exploited by a parent's self-centered behavior and thinking.
same, omg
@@SteeleMagnolia agree.. my mom always says: "if you want mommy to love you, then do X" or "because you didn't do X for mommy, then mommy doesn't love you anymore ". That's soul crushing for a child, because that child will do EVERYTHING to please mommy and get her love back... 😕
Same... Glad to know I'm not alone! ❤
Matching emotions to theirs, so they can feel validated. They end up controlling your emotions and your prevented from developing your emotional intelligence.
my therapist always told me that I have to learn how to be a filter and not a sponge, it's hard but I've been learning
Hi Carolina. That's great that you're learning how to put into practice that sound advice given to you by your therapist. It truly is challenging to apply a whole new perspective and behavior to our way of living when for so many years we've been operating in an opposite manner. I know all too well how hard and overwhelming it can be. It's like learning a new language; it can be disorienting and confusing but so deeply rewarding and exciting when we stick to it and start experiencing the improvement. All the best to you! ❤️
Hey, I like that! Thanks for sharing.
I love this phrase "Filter and not a sponge." I also learned from a therapist, "Observe don't absorb." I found that phrase helpful, too
@@lauriesantos That helps me. Thank you....Observe don't absorb....Well done!!!💜
@@kellyberry4173 Yay! So happy it could help :D I wish I could take credit for that phrase because it is sooo darned good, hehe
So glad she addressed the whole “I’m an empath” thing. Most people who thought they were empaths later realize they just had really poor emotional boundaries.
Yes, I think she's right about unsurety. But I think we have to also consider that a parent can Instill these traits by making you parent the parent.
I take on board everything else she says but I think you can be emotionally very aware but your boundaries are so invaded at a young age you triple guess yourself and defer to others
That's me in a nutshell
Yup. Little ol me once believed I am one of these "magical empaths"... turns out I am just your average covert narc, LOL. (The "emPatH to narcissist" pipeline is pretty common in narcissistic folks, btw.)
I also seem to have low emotional intelligence.
@Oliver Bird
Yes, during your childhood. But as you grow into adulthood, you gain liberty and therefore power to change. Yes your parents' education is enormously important, but it doesn't stop you ETERNALLY from evolving.
lol that's me in a nutshell.
"It's okay to be selfish, people will literally drain you of your mind , will ,and emotions, pick up your purse and go do something for you...." This is my mantra.
Something that I needed to hear, because I have a bad problem of holding onto people’s emotions and not realizing what my own emotions feel like. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
@@AikiraBeats me too my whole life I’ve put other needs over my own and then treated like shit. I’ve been raped, sexual assaulted, physically assaulted, sexually harassed and threaten by men my whole life because I failed to be selfish or speak up. Now, I want to work on increasing my emotional intelligence so I won’t get hurt.
@@TheGamerz_Hub sorry you had to go through that
@@dmlx4209 Thank you, I appreciate your empathy. It only makes me stronger! God allowed that to be my lesson so I can be mindful for others. Even though I was angry that it happen to me I am grateful that it was nothing worse than that so I can advise others to be careful.
@@TheGamerz_Hub 😮❤be sure to watch the video again. It is great you have a good attitude! Be aware, it is not ok that you have been degraded , assaulted, abused and raped. Abuse is abuse . You are caring.
I am told I'm too nice, too caring. I understand everyone's pain and take on their problems .... I'm glad I found this video. I hope you have a blessed day🎉🎉😊
Side note: love that necklace/dress print combo
Love the colors too, especially lipstick :)
And her earrings ❣️
Her whole outfit is incredible
😄I appreciate your eye for good design and fashion.
@@mzlww Agreed! 💯
Wow, the diagnosis of "low emotional intelligence" really stung but perhaps it's what I needed to hear. Strangely enough I've always thought of myself as having a high emotional intelligence as I read and react to *other* people's emotions quite well. I now know I'm not good at the most important part, of understanding and reacting to my *own* emotions. I'm still trying to recover to a childhood of abuse/neglect from a narcissistic parent. Your videos are helping ☺
Let’s connect we have a lot in commin
Common
Same!!
Some folks are emotionally manipulative
This sounds too familiar …
The thing that hurts the most about being an emotional sponge in my experience is the fact that you are always there for ppl for support, you hold ppl when they cry, you tell them a joke to lift ppl spirits but when you are going through something....none of those ppl are there for you/want nothing to do with you when you don't support them. The realization that you are just a tool they use when they need you is devastating.
Its exhausting. Isn’t it.
It creates a feeling of resentment and mistrust toward ppl. Because you never truly know whether ppl like you for you or the emotional support you give them. Not mention never wanting to share when you are going through something because you don't want to put your shit on others like they do to you.
They can't give you what they don't have. 🤷♀️ Freely I give.
@@jtrix34 Exactly.
Will you put on a band-aid when you are happy ? Don’t be solely the band-aid.
My counselor calls this "emotional dumping," where you basically allow someone else to treat you like an emotional garbage can. It's one of the first things that we addressed in therapy. And in spite of years and years of therapy, the knee-jerk reaction to be a people pleaser and a people fixer is still with me. Some things are just too deeply ingrained to ever go away completely, I guess. All we can do is develop the tools to work around our handicaps.
I've been in this situation before too, it's sometimes crudely referred to as the 'emotional tampon' lol. It's such a draining place to be in.
This amazing woman needs her own television show. She encouraged me to get help for my depression and anxiety and I am forever grateful. ❤
JJ Cole I agree yes I love this channel and find it helpful for all my mental health conditions and I can relate to a lot of what Is said in these videos
She is amazing and I appreciate her so much! Her content is of high quality cause she is in control of her UA-cam channel... this feels more intimate and to the point than having a tv show. Also, do ppl still watch tv! 😝
This is the TV show.
she knda looks like a clown.....sorry
@@joeldecoster8816 You need this emotional help!
We must protect Dr Marks at all costs, she is a global treasure.
Agreed
I hope she'll get her own tv show. Netflix would probably be interested in hearing about this.
Damn right my brotha
YES
You got that right.
Basic human psychology should be on every school curriculum. I believe we could prevent a lot of mental health issues that way. Thank you for these videos, Dr. Marks!😊
Trust me this is something that every school needs. I know it’s something I needed in high school.
We had basic psychology at my public high school either that or sociology was required to graduate
But actual decent Psychology. My son did it in high school and didn't learn anything like I had. They did bike rides and hippy sh1t
I agree! 👏
And financial classes!
This was very eye opening. I always thought of myself as an "empath" because other people's emotions greatly effect mine. For example I'm really struggling to be friends with a person who is going through a rough period and always in a bad mood, and sometimes lashes out at me and vents constantly about everything wrong in her life. Usually this also drags my mood down for days after hanging out with them and I cycle through resentment towards them, then feeling horrible for being resentful, then trying to put myself in their shoes, etc. I start to ruminate on my own past issues and spiral into anxiety or depression, all traced back to being around this person. Previously I thought I just had to cut people like this out of my life, but I'm starting to realize I attract and tolerate these types of people. I have a need to "be a good listener" and a good supportive friend to feel worthy of people's time, but with poor emotional intelligence and boundaries, which I never realized I had until watching this, it's actually just harming me. I guess I have a lot of work to do.
Me too, on the work to do
You literally described me and the same exact situation I found myself in and how I feel all the time
I’ve been working on this diligently in the past five or six years myself wondering why I kept attracting the same type person and realizing that boundaries we’re key to healthy relationships for me. And also balance was important and realizing my own limits about what I could and could not do and what was appropriate for me in regards to helping or showing empathy and watching very carefully when the line was crossed or nearing been crossed. I’ve lost quite a lot of “friends” but they were not true friends to begin with. Being chronically ill also really clears the deck because I have to put myself first and it shows you who is really there for you
i love the way you worded this
Couldnt relate less about this
Thanks Dr Marks. I think I 'saved' people because I was unconsciously treating others how I wanted to be treated, like listening to them, caring, being attentive/invested in them. And I would do to this to the exclusion of myself. So I was furthering the patterns from my childhood of me not being heard or valued by putting all my attention on others - continuing to not listen to or value myself. Now I'm working on turning that saving on to me, practicing listening to and valuing my self❣️
I feel this❤️❤️❤️ thanks for your comment
Wow ...I identify with this
So you just brought me to tears, because we are ONE!!
Same SAME
This is me as well I hope these videos help
Their feelings aren’t mine, I don’t have to feel them. Have a nice day all!
ohh i love this
Love love
“It’s uncomfortable feeling vague about things, so it’s nice to have someone swoop in and show you how to feel”
You put words to something I have been trying to understand about myself for so long
Same here
Same. I heard this and wanted to cry from the amount of relief it brought me to finally have a feeling I've felt for YEARS be articulated and validated.
Also too many people think they pick or attract the “wrong people” when the truth is that there are some people who are looking for nice people to exploit. More often than not, it is not the problem of choosing someone wrong but rather the issue is not discerning who might be sizing you up to take advantage of your kindness.
Never felt so called out until the people pleasing section. A childhood of emotional abuse and a lot of things have left me seeking validation for my emotions, choices, and even for my own existence. Is there a way to recognize when that happens, and how to change/stop it?
Mindfulness, friend. We have to learn to be more in touch with our own experience so we are less inclined to interpret others as our own. Thanks for sharing.
@@winfreyc2010 - This makes sense 👌💕
Yes what Nyan Cat said 😊 that’s also plays into the increasing your self awareness thing I talked about
Going no-contact with all of my relatives, especially the woman that brought me into this world, has been my saving grace. Toxic people are more recognizable to me now, and the lifesaving advice I've found online has strengthened my resolve to continue on.
I'm the proud mother of three US Marines, and that should be reason enough to exist, but when you have spent your life being an emotional sponge to others it just depletes your soul.
Write a journal entry about it. That way you can track what happen, what was said, and establish patterns. Patterns are behaviors. Behaviors can change.
I dislike and avoid drama. That said: avoiding gossip helps, no gossip means no bonding with other women and with many men who love gossip. Less people = more freedom. Have boundaries and hold the line.
Ohh.. is that why I find it hard to bond?
@@asho345 lol lol I just said that while reading op comment 🤣
I realized today, this is most likely the reason that I don't gel with women much! 😕
Your comment really clarified something for me. Thank you.
Gossip is a sexist construct... drama and gossip as we know it don’t necessarily go hand in hand, and doesn’t mean you can’t create relationships with women
My mother used too call herself an "empath" but actually she couldn't distinguish her own emotions from mine whenever I was down or sad she'd just get mad at me without even asking what was wrong, because she wanted there to be a "positive vibe". 😒
That is awful. It is common though. I was like that for long while. Needing a new way to be human again my own way had to know my weaknesses too. A person you go for wisdom and advice or venting should have complete understanding of type of conversation sought.
I get that quite a lot too,I feel sad or low and most of the time I don't get asked what's wrong. Closest person just instantly thinks I'm mad at them or being an asshole. and starts a greater problem out of nowhere. Its hard to talk to this person too so it's really stupid.
That person you're talking about you'd be better to cut them out they're manipulating you anybody can recognize when somebody is sad the truth is they just don't want to deal with it they don't care and you are basically there for their needs and if you have needs then you're an inconvenience and a problem for them so they turn your sadness into a situation about them most likely a raging narcissist of some sort take care of yourself they're probably the reason you're sad @@LonelyJester
She mentioned that not "feeling strongly" about things could be a reason you end up soaking up the emotions of others and that struck me. When I'm on my own, I do generally have an awareness of how I feel, but my wants, needs, emotions, and opinions never feel very strong or urgent. My emotions are typically quite weak, bordering on indifferent, so as soon as someone else enters the room their feelings easily overpower mine. How can I strengthen my feelings and opinions so I'm not so easily overpowered and overwhelmed?
Yes! A million yes
I'm struggling hard with this and medication only makes me more indifferent. The only emotion I have strongly is guilt.
My therapist also recommended mindfulness and an emotional diary.
You don’t have to feel strongly, it’s just means you are liberal and open for discussion, people with strong opinions are usually certain they are right about a subject and more often than not, are partially wrong because there are at least two sides to every construct.
I think that strongly opinionated people are not very clever. I personally, see no point in strongly disliking things that don’t influence my wellbeing.
@@mb2770 wow. How insightful you are. It’s like you just changed my way of seeing things with a few sentences
@@michaelmclain7049 What a nice compliment 😊
Maybe not change. If you can add do so. Idk is a response also.
I’m autistic, so much of masking is matching energy and emotions.
Only in my thirties did I realize that so much of my relationships and work is a kind of “ performative anxiety “ so that they know I care.
It’s exhausting.
It’s stupid.
But when you don’t reflect the emotion back people misunderstand my intention.
My mom tends to take over the room with her feelings, didn’t leave much room for me. I don’t know.
I really working on not taking responsibility for other peoples emotions. I’m sick of being traumatized.
I’m sick of nuerotypicals expectations.
😣
A hard way to look at it is that isn't your problem. Helping during someone else's needs to remain not your problem. Keeping your stuff separate is important. Letting go after your own mind needs to find you again. As this is in my thoughts this could be a nightly routine addition for me and hopefully anyone else.
Same. Not willing to be their emotional toilet. I am really tired of tmi. When I feel uncomfortable I’m getting better at saying so and getting out of there. Let ‘em be mad. It’s better than feeling contaminated by their emotions.
"Low emotional intelligence" I feel called out 😅 NOT what I wanted to hear but I needed to hear. I love how this was based on science and not this other mystic stuff people keep peddling. My mother was a self proclaimed empath which cause alot of pain and me feeling like I was at fault for all of her emotional ups and downs
psychodynamic theories… not totally science, but she makes it sound scientific.
I feel like most ppl who are self defined ( and proud to let everyone know) empaths tend to be full of themselves.
@@urmamasmamasmama Rock on! So totally true! And nowadays, they all declare that everyone (EVERYONE) else is a narcissist. It has gotten so tedious.
I don’t think you are low emotional intelligence (EI) necessarily. The one with low EI would be your mother. Perhaps you did not have a role model with high EI qualities. Anyone can (and should) develop their EI. To be clear, if an empathic person must “self proclaim” then it’s likely a manipulative tactic, not an inherent trait of empathic people.
@@tarawalsh-arpaia3928 I agree 1 million % same goes with the word " toxic"
My summaries:
1. Increase self-emotion: identifying your emotion
2. Do you feel it? Or someone else first?
3. Practice mindfulness
4. Proper boundaries: stop people pleasing, don't feed to other people's need of validation
5. Reflecting
Thank you
Thank you very much.
@@odinodini2199 so why are these 'emotional' people so indifferent to you? And your emotions?
My favorite motto in regards to this problem is "observe not absorb". The doctor does a great job in expanding on that in a relatable way
That das it all in a nutshell. Very useful Mantra 😊
Thank you for your precise explanation. I've battled being labeled "too nice", although my contributions to others have always been genuine. A life-long battle with this, stemming from CPTSD, has left me in burnout, so now I'm find peace at keeping more to myself and enjoying the therapeutic craft of woodworking and restoring furniture.
CPTSD can definitely make you more vulnerable to this station. I’m glad you found some peace with your crafts.
Some people say others are "too nice" because perhaps THEY find it a bit harder to always be nice so they can't understand how anyone else can be so nice AND be genuine. So they say "too nice" almost as an insult or accusation, when actually it's nothing to do with you, everything to do with them, and incidentally, in my opinion you can NEVER be too nice (unless it becomes detrimental to you of course). More kindness is needed in this world.
Seeking quiet retreat and re-discovering passions like you've done is healing.
If you ever feel interested or able to form bonds with people again, you deserve those who are secure and happy enough within themselves to love and appreciate you for who you are. 💕
@@ladybaabaa3294 I'm actually intense and yet, I've been hissed at by more than one partner for how nice I am. I also have CPTSD, but work hard not to take on emotions, not to own other people's issues, and to own my own. I'm careful with my language because I know what it's like to be destroyed by someone else's language. It's good to see that someone else has seen this sort of accusation. For me, it came from people who were used to being the "nice one." I wasn't trying to out nice them.
@@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS Yes indeed, and the 2 key points here are (1) that you try not to take on THEIR emotions and actions (they're not your responsibility, nor can you control them), and (2) the people accusing you of being "too nice" are people who are TRYING to be nice. It can of course be hard to be nice 100% of the time, but naturally nice people don't have to TRY. ⚘💕
@@DrTraceyMarks does long term cbt therapy help with pdst a bi polar?
I don't agree with blanket-labeling someone who exhibits the behaviour you described as having low emotional intelligence. It's rather having high emotional intelligence for others while having low emotional intelligence for oneself. It often seems learned as an early self-protection mechanism to not lose the 'love' of a caregiver who in themselves is emotionally unstable.
I agree. It's not low emotional intelligence, it seems more reactive due to childhood conditioning from parents who were emotionally unstable. It's more of a mechanism of survival.
I try to rescue people because I know what it feels like to feel completely alone when going through emotionally difficult or overwhelming situations. It's always people who had horrible childhoods & had no one to talk to when going through traumatic events. So I show them that someone cares about their feelings, thereby validating their emotions. I figure, once they know they're loved and safe, they can begin to heal their trauma. But it only worked out that way once. Every other time they kept slowly sucking more and more air out of the room, til it got to the point that our entire relationship was me comforting them over the same events, as well as managing their emotions as a whole. And I'm not quiet about my needs, I state them every time I have them, they were just never acknowledged or fulfilled. And none of them ever have an answer as to why they never meet my needs, even though I spend hours a day, every day, on their baggage.
I feel your sentiment, I wouldn't say I have low emotional intelligence, just a lot of u met needs.
you saved someone. sucks about the jerks
Those people don't want to be helped, they want to keep complaining their whole life. Because yeah, it's easier to cry than to fight. F___ing victims.
Sometimes we have to realize it is a useless situation and just disengage to maintain sanity
I grew up as the younger sister, who was always bullied and isolated by my older sisters. They’d constantly take advantage of my innocence and my want to be included in things, just to gain their own personal satisfaction. [ex: “if you don’t make my food, and take my plates downstairs afterwards, you can’t watch tv in my room anymore]
I know that seems small, but those small things easily turned into bigger things. Every little thing I’d do would bother them, and they’d make a joke out of it. If I didn’t share my chips, they’d never let go of the fact that I’m “selfish and self-centered.” If i dressed up and they were dressed down, they tell everyone I was boujie and I think I’m better than everyone. When I get good news, everyone would think I’m bragging.
I honestly never knew the level of toxicity within our relationships until now 🥺 [22 yrs old] I cried when I realized how much I’ve suppressed this long. I feel I was mostly sad because I actually started to believe those things they said about me 😞 Although it’s depressing going through this healing process alone, I’m just thankful that I’m doing it. I’m trying to unlearn all of the feelings, thoughts and opinions of others that have been constantly projected onto me. And even the unhealthy habits I’ve acquired. (People pleasing, self sabotage, etc.)
I know this was a lot but it felt like a safe space to just release that 🙁
I am fascinated by Dr. Marks' hair. Also her knowledge.
Simply amazing
Thanks a lot I appreciate that. My hair is freedom. 😊 I cut it all off in 2012, stopped straightening it and never looked back. Interestingly enough though, I was on television more back then on CNN and HLN and I was afraid the curly bush look would be too ethnic for people. 😀
@@DrTraceyMarks you know certain folks be scared of being around some kinks and coils glad to see you out here doing you.
Yes, I agree. It’s naturally gorgeous! And she’s brilliant 😊
Dr. Tracey Marks It’s gorgeous and you have great style besides being super smart!
I am guilty of this. I’m finding that boundaries are my best tool. Big. Wide. Boundaries.
I always assumed I had very high emotional intelligence because of how quickly I could pick up on other people's feelings. So after working with a therapist and also watching this, I've learned a lot more about myself.
When people around me experience intense emotions, I have an automatic habit of taking on their feelings together with them- just like in the 3rd scenario.
It's so crucial that I can make people feel emotionally validated that I get anxious if I can imagine even the remote possibility that they might feel like they’re suffering alone.
I've been working on this, and it's defiantly a struggle to establish boundaries. I’ve always been proud of this trait, I even encouraged it when I noticed myself doing it. Now with this new perspective, I try and think more about who really benefits and how much when it comes to offering my empathy.
it DEFINITELY bothers me to tell myself to pull back, but i’ll be happier if it can start better understanding when and when not to be a sponge.
It can be very good!!! But if it's affecting you mentally, it's good to figure out why and how to be more balanced
i belive we are the same person
I needed to hear this, very recently my boss dropped the ball by ignoring a crucial email from a company, it created a small hiccup that my boss took to the extreme and verbally reprimanded me. At the time I was not aware of the email she received/ignored, and I couldn't figure out why she amplified the situation and basically accused me of being inept. As I sat to my desk feeling "guilty", confused and ready to quit, all the pieces finally came together and I understood the big picture. Had she paid closer attention to what she was required to do, the entire situation could have been avoided. She was basically projecting/deflecting and transferred her own emotions towards me.
I have an alcoholic boss who is actively manipulating myself, my colleagues and is sowing doubt/trying to erode trust in my marriage. Great video - the best thing I can do is leave. That's not "quitting when things are hard" it is setting a clear boundary that I am not OK with being treated like that
I am an emotional sponge, and I "attract" a lot of intense or problematic people too, even before I know they have these traits. I had NEVER seen a professional talk about these issues like that - specially about being a sponge. Only in my ex-religion I was supposed to "stop absorbing negative energies by keeping my vibrations high". Never learned to do that. Thank you so much for this video! I will download the emotion cards and start working on it right away.
PS: Doctor, you look absolutely gorgeous. Love your style :)
I got headspun by the law of attraction too lol and whenever someone hurt me I thought I brought it on myself. I must have attracted it, right? It's just another version of catholic guilt lol
@@carolsimpson4422 Well that's catholic. But there is no condemnation in christ and God does love you , you didn't have to do anything for him to love you . He loved because he loves
@OYAH JOSEPHINE You can still see them be a person and act like it but even when you fully trusted them they still turn on you . Put your trust in God he will remove that person from your life just like that but if he doesn't he wants you to learn something very important from this they may have come to help you with this season bit they will have to leave soon .
@@apologeticministry Catholicism isn’t really about christianity truly anyway if you read into the research and studies on it. The romans killed the true early christian’s as entertainment until an Emperor (Constantine) decided let’s go “christian” too. The first early Catholic church was found to have an underground temple based for pagan gods and worship secretly as they truly weren’t all for Christ. They were lukewarm and fake. That’s why they pay more attention to Mary instead of God and Jesus as Pagans believed on Goddesses. To them, Mary was a god as well. That’s how twisted it was. The truth will set you free and we should not hail anyone else but Jesus himself!
The crazy part about this is , after going no contact with a narcissist your still holding negative emotions that weren't yours in the first place . Narc abuse caused me to have complex ptsd. I must be clear about how I'm feeling and practice self care in a radical manner just to heal! Being a psychic on top of all of this makes for an interesting journey! I'm grateful for this vid. We appreciate your perspective!
And that does not mean you have low emotional intelligence
yeah that part came off as mean. there are so many other ways to phrase that and i’m not even sure it conveys whats happening. she didn't mention trauma or the fawn reflex at all. video was cold
This almost brought me to tears! This describes me! I take on everyone's emotions and feel guilty about being in a good mood if someone else is having a bad day. Thank you for this!!!
You're an amazing person whoever you are
I am a nurse and over the years of service I developed great skills of separating my emotions from that of my patients. However, of recent, I have noticed that I talk to friends who always have alot of things going on and daily, I wake up happy and by the time I respond to 2 or 3 greetings from my chats, they start pouring their worries into my ears. By early noon, my spirit will be so heavy. I find myself hissing the entire evening meanwhile sometimes I can't even tell why my spirit is so heavy! 🙃
oof...as a healthcare worker who struggles with burnout this really hit home. How can i take care of people without taking on their emotions? very helpful video thank you!
Sadly I had to drop out of the healthcare line of work, to save myself. Being an empath is a struggle, but I'm learning and finally experiencing what it's like to take care of myself.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. OMG. YES.
The way I deal with it is focusing on what's helping and what's not helping, for both me and the other person. It's more helpful when I focus on hope, potential, and belief in them getting better, for them and for me. I've found that it's not helpful, for either of us, to feel bad when they do.
For example, when people seek healthcare, they're not seeking someone to feel hopeless and miserable, they're seeking someone who can see a way out and will confidently lead them there.
And for me, I can be that person when I have boundaries which allow me to be hopeful, compassionate, and secure. I find it gives people dignity when you let them feel their own suffering, as it's their experience and not yours, their issue they need to endure. It might sound cruel, but it's their responsibility to take care of their own emotions, just as it's your responsibility to take care of yours. It's humility to understand you aren't all-powerful and can't fix people immediately or totally.
When I feel myself getting upset at someone else's pain, I channel that into compassion. And that compassion provides stable security from within my own boundaries to be strong enough to help another person without toppling over with them.
Having a grasp on what you're feeling is essential! If I feel myself getting anxious or overwhelmed with someone (or even by myself!), I've found it's because I'm not paying attention to what I'm feeling. When I recognize I'm feeling things too, I feel more stable.
@@ramenbender beautifully said!!
I've grown up in a very dysfunctional, emotionally, spiritually, financially abusive & medical neglecting family. If I ask that people do something, I get things thrown back in my face about things I've allegedly done (usually not true), instead of the person respecting what I've asked, as a means for them to not take responsibility for their actions. I'm feeling really proud of myself because just before this video, I asked my Mum to do something & when she tried the whole guilt-tripping, "gas-lighting" thing to "disarm" me, I stood up to her & made sure she knew I expected her to take responsibility. Right into my 20s, my parents had me brainwashed into thinking my dysfuntional family was normal family behaviour. When I stepped out into the real world & realised that my family environment was far from normal, I began to heal & now I have the strength more & more, to stand up to my family & make it clear that I expect them to take responsibility for their actions, not try to push my feelings & wishes aside like I'm trash. I don't raise my voice, I don't yell, I don't make demands, but I communicate clearly, firmly & patiently. I have had to learn that pretty much by myself, but it's paying off.
Thank you so much for this. Feeling inspired to do more for myself because of you.
@@BBaaaaa I'm glad this has helped you. You're doing an awesome job! Embarking on the journey to do more for yourself takes courage, especially when you've been treated badly. If I can do it, you can do it too. I'm proud of you.
Wow beautiful message, so relatable. I hope I can be as strong as you
@@Peresphone I'm sure you can.
Thanks for sharing! I have a somewhat similar story as you, I gain more respect from my family when I communicate in a firm yet respectful way.
My sister and two parents were always the kind of people to talk at length about their problems and feelings, and I quickly developed the dynamic of putting myself aside so as to not add to their stress. The result was feeling smothered by their emotions. Now that I'm an adult I have boundaries with them about how much they can dump on me, but I still struggle with taking on the emotions of those around me. I definitely need to work on my emotional intelligence because I've spent so long setting myself aside that I struggle to ever know what's bothering me until I become completely overwhelmed.
It’s not “low emotional intelligence” to be sensitive and sympathetic but it is dangerous in high quantities. Being aware of high sensitivity is good, you’re able to protect yourself better.
I agree!!
@@ArtLeeG 👍😊
Hi Dr.Marks, please can you do more videos about Social Skills training and building new relationships (especially in a workplace). I have aspergers and would really appreciate your comprehensiveness and expertise.
Thank you.
Hi Indi. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll definitely work on that.
@@DrTraceyMarks I would be interested as well! Thanks 😊
Me too!
Indi jay INSTANT RAPPORT Sounds like a good subject.
Me too doc.
I can relate to the people pleasing and feeling the need to “fix people “ I appreciate you bringing that up in the topic
Personally I am not an emotional sponge, however, this video helped me validate myself in one situation I had been through. The example with a partner who "wants to see you suffer to validate themself" hit close to home 'cause it's precisely what happened back in October. Then I had been put through a prolonged fight because they just couldn't understand how I wasn't feeling the same way as they did, and I think they said something between the lines of "how can it be that I suffer so much and you don't" and perceived it as my lack of care for them. And while I didn't feel the need to please them and certainly didn't want to suffer, this whole time I felt like a selfish jerk for that. But what happened was that I had my own emotions that was perfectly okay
She just explained what 10 years of therapy revealed to me.
In 11 minutes you have explained a lifetime of my anxiety issues. Thank you 💝 I now have an idea of how to process my overwhelming feelings. BTW, I love your colorful blouse.
One of the most articulate, knowledgeable and wise voices in mental health nowadays. Thanks a lot for your educational nature - the cards are invaluable - and I also commend your commitment to health education. Thanks a million.
Horse shit,
I think the distinction between good at noticing bad emotions in others and being emotionally intelligent is because trauma makes you feel like that is all you need. because you are fine tuned to notice bad emotion things to protect your self. So you are emotionally intelligent about really bad things. You can probably tell a fight is gonna start from miles away. This is indeed an emotionally intelligent trait. Just for the negative part of the emotional spectrum. Which feels like all you need for emotional intelligence because in a hard life that is the part you need to survive
Cute dress
This one and the one about 5 signs of poor boundaries/people pleasing ...ouch...the amount of approval seeking I am capable of doing is off the charts. And really, the payoff is little more than a kiss and a slap. This, and the fact that I need to get my head around the reality that people as adults, make their own choices, mistakes, etcetera, and that trying to rescue people is a bit grandiose.
These vids, painful as certain subjects can be, are necessary and helpful. Thankyou Dr. Marks
I just wanna say that I've been doing much much better ever since I started following your channel last year. I feel excited when Wednesday comes around to see your upload. Thanks a lot Dr. Marks 🙂🙂
Oh that’s music to my ears Adnan!! So very glad to hear you look forward to the videos. Keep watching and thanks for watching. 😊😜
Same, your channel connected a lot of dots on my mental health journey, in a way no other source did. I appreciate your effort to help people understand themselves (I remember your “borderline vs bipolar” video that cleared up quite a lot for me) and to be more compassionate towards ourselves (your “lizard brain” video that said having dark thoughts doesn’t make you a psychopath or a bad person, acting out on them does - Drew Michael does an amazing comedy set on that, but I never thought his jokes were psychiatrically accurate). THANK YOU 💜
That's so wonderful and inspiring!
We are all so fortunate to have access to such great resources. Continued wellness to you! Have a great rest of the year.
If I’m understanding this correctly it’s something that I refer to as ‘not taking someone else’s problems/all problems PERSONALLY’. I had to teach myself decades ago not to do that (it was more from nurture than nature, though I’m very empathic and compassionate), and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy, but it was beyond worth it.
Love all your videos, Dr. Marks. Stay healthy and safe. Thanks for all you do💝
Very nice comment
Yes CharziPuddin that’s another way to think of it. And you’re right it’s not easy to change that kind of reflexive behavior. I’m glad you pushed through to see the benefit on the other side. Best wishes to you and thanks for sharing.
30 years of therapy on and off. in the first 3 minutes IS MY ANSWER.
*sobbing*
Thank God this video came up....
I think having the capacity to provide love, support, care and encouragement to others is essential to our wellbeing and the conditions of all of our relationships. Relationships depend on our ability to relate, by definition. I think what the Doctor is articulating is how we can develop that capacity via self care and self regulation, so that over time, we can be supportive without being “submerged”. I was really hoping that piece would acknowledge and emphasized. Unless I missed it, which is completely possible. 🙏🏾
I agree with you a 100%
This has nothing to do with EQ. It has to do with trauma wounds. Placating, acquiescing, fixing are all learned survival skills from childhood. I really connect with being attracted to people who have strong emotions/opinions before healing. Now I’m attracted to people who have empathy, and who can see all sides.
this is it!!! thank you so much. her advice is good but she’s so cold and places so much of the blame on who has been hurt. no one can be there for eachother but us
@@zna9297 Except that trauma wounds often cause low EQ. She’s not just insulting she’s being honest
@@zna9297 well said. The victims are not to blame. Compassion and kindness are not naivety or carelessness.
@Renee A totally agree.
I've thought the term "people pleaser" sounds like blaming the victim who has suffered enough already.
My experience with this has always been so weird. I don't pay much attention to complaining unless they're venting to me, but I'll hyper focus on someone I know well enough if something feels off. It's in their body language, tone, etc, the atmosphere just doesn't feel right. My brain normally goes to "I did something wrong, what did I do?" until they tell me, and while the atmosphere still feels bad, I'm more at ease because 99% of the time it's not something I did. From there I either leave the room to escape that person's heavy feelings, or try to console them depending on how well I know the person.
Either way strong negative emotions make me anxious, depressed or exhausted, only when I leave do I feel better. Kind of an out of sight out of mind thing. I don't know if that's low emotional intelligence, or hyper sensitivity to people being upset due to some kind of childhood trauma, but it sure is a pain in the ass. Especially since I'm already an introvert, and being around people in general make me exhausted.
Leaving the scene to get ones mind back helps in my case alot, I think its because of associating my emotions with the environment, and being in that environment holds those emotions longer
I’m similar so I get it. It’s not emotional intelligence that’s lacking, which is why I disagree with her, it’s resilience. We are less resilient meaning it takes longer for us to come down from fight/flight because of trauma. So it makes perfect sense to make the healthy choice of removing yourself in the moment
Wow I feel so related to you lol
Yup I know exactly how you feel...I have a coworker who is negative overly talkative who was out the whole week...just me and my supervisor worked this whole week ...no drama...easy peezy work...no stress easiest work week in a long time. She's back Monday...God bless her.
I need to walk out of the room when she starts her stuff...she tends to start when my boss leaves for the day and it's just me and her...I'll start leaving the room also....have 2 more hours with her....it's too bad but I choose to protect my emotional energy and not let her drain me ...I can't and won't.
People like this dont realize how draining they are...but forget that I'm walking out when she starts 😆😆😆
Wow I can't believe what I'm hearing , this explains why I see a narcissist standing so very close to people physically!
As someone who hasn’t been very good at standing up for myself, (much easier to stand up for others), being with a partner who verbalizes their own feelings in a strong way toward other people (not toward myself) has actually helped me to learn to stand my ground for myself. If it’s a healthy relationship, it can be a potent learning opportunity
I also feel like the first work example isn’t very good. Just look at the culture in healthcare today, lots of people are leaving. Worrying that your own job isn’t safe may be a step too far and goes into catastrophizing, but feeling unsettled when toxic stuff is happening at your workplace is super normal
I’m scared UA-cam recommended me this. So on point ugh
Would you describe the second scenario person as emotional manipulative because I had to break a friendship from a person like this. They always made me feel guilty for wanting to give myself time for self-love (I enjoy spending time with myself to recognize my emotions through just thought, poetry, and journaling). I never wanted to fix them we just had a lot of things in common but later I learned they really weren’t a great person. I definitely could have set up boundaries earlier but even when I had to literally tell them to leave my space because I wanted to be alone they stayed because they wanted to “talk” (talk at me about themselves). I put up with so much with them and made excuses for their poor behavior but in the end, it hurt me more than anything. I wish I would have stood up for myself more but I’ve grown and I know the symptoms now and what to avoid.
This is what I was saying. I know I try to please people but I also know what manipulative people act like
OMG. This is me to a "T"!!! Although I don't completely agree with the "low emotional intelligence" part. I think there's SO much more to emotional intelligence than what she is saying. I think it's more of a case of being TOO EMPATHETIC to other people and absorbing their negative emotions.
Being a super empath with a family that suffers from bipolar is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I was on the rollercoaster right along with them
I’ve really mastered this since my mum died 4 years ago. I don’t get emotionally attached to other peoples emotions or lifestyle choices anymore. If a mate decided to stay with a toxic partner, I listen and advice if wanted but I’m not thinking about it or bringing the negativity into my relationship.
That's why people with Asperger's should first learn social skills!!! I wish I knew when I was little...Now I am working on EQ and setting boundaries ❤ Thank you
I practice mindfulness everyday :)
I keep a physical distance always 😂
The partner is a narcissist. They don't want you to live your life. I'm free now! Praise God!!!🥰😇🥳🤯🙏
Hurray, more power to you. I only had a narcissist roommate for 3 months and I had to move out too keep my sanity. I am so happy for you. 🥳
I really needed to hear this, thanks! When I first learned about this, I pictured myself as an oyster, who needs to interact with the outside world to survive, but also must filter out and close its shell against an invasion of sand silt. An oyster who doesn’t know not to sit there with its shell open will soon be an ex-oyster. A lot is going on with everyone right now, and I have CPTSD. My daughter also reminds me of this when I read the news, as I’m a human rights activist, because of course I am. Thanks for reminding me to be an oyster in its wise mind.
That is a good and useful analogy. thanks!
I think I am an actual empath bc I just care .. this helped me see that .
That bf situation.....damm!!!! I can't even count how many times I did that bs
"Bf" ... best friend?
@@JudgeJulieLit boyfriend
The second example reminds me of my ex. He always treated his problems like an emergency everyone should drop to handle. And heaven forbid if you called him out on it. This makes me so angry, even years later. The whole time I was mentally shouting, his emotions are not your responsibility! Don't fall for it! He's manipulating you! Even so, Dr. Marks described exactly what I would be done back then.
One of the toughest lessons for me with my mom. Took many years to learn her emotional happiness, reactions, abilities, we’re NOT MINE to take responsibility for. I’ve married people twice who think I should be responsible for their stuff too. But…I have three teenagers who need to see me only taking responsibility for my own garbage, so they can do the same without learning the hard way like I have.
Why was this in my recommended 😂 I must be a mess
I also watched this and it was one of the best videos on emotions I’ve seen. This lady knows what’s up!
I grew up in a household where what you describe as problematic was upheld as an example of what it meant to be a good person and how to resolve conflict. 4 kids, myself included, have grown up dealing with the resulting confusion in their own ways. I struggle, but I think I am doing better than my siblings in a lot of ways. I still have a long way to go, and your videos help! Thank you, Dr. Marks. You do such wonderful work.
Recognizing that the emotion is coming from someone else doesn’t magically make that connection go away. I know an emotion comes from someone and I’ll still feel what they are feeling.
Agreed! Then yr an empath or HSP and just be careful not to take their emotions on board. Observe and let it move past you.
This was incredibly helpful but I wanted to make sure any ppl experiencing shame as a result..awareness is key but let's not forget the potential trauma underlayer of having "low EI" or "ppl pleasing", or even low self awareness. Our trauma wasn't our fault and it's made us strong in certain areas, and with the resulting difficulties..we can change those 😊
Thank you very much for this video :) during therapy I for example, had to face the fact that, while I was a little child, I was always always pleasing my mother and had to be there for her 24/7. Later on I would "attrac" people like my mother and found myself surrounded only with negativ people. It took me a long time to break out of it, BUT it is sooooo worth it
So true
I used to be this way. So glad that I am learning better. Your video on dealing with negative emotions was very helpful. Thanks Dr Marks
So glad liked the negative emotions videos Susanne. I’m glad you broke out of this habit too. 😊
Having grown up in a small town and brought up by a catholic family. The feelings of guilt, selfishness and the fear to disappoint are always there... but now that I am aware of it, I am working on changing that 🙂
So I just learned how I wasn't noticing that my boundaries were routinely getting violated by people using me as their emotional punching bag. It actually got to the point that I forgot I had boundaries altogether until I watched this. Because I didn't see the violation as it was happening. Now if I can just get into a consistent practice of being self-aware. Perceived injustice is a big trigger for me and people have never once come to me about those things in text form despite me establishing that I handle things better that way. They gotta be *right* *there* like they need to see me lose my shit over nothing being done about a problem so they have someone to...part of me wants to say someone they can point blame of some sort at.
I've experienced actually being that person who doesn't want others to have fun when I'm upset, because of the emotional neglect I was at the end of growing up, so it turned me into more of a self-seeking person than the compassionate, caring-for-others type of person I was before the pain became too much to bear.
I think absorbing other people’s emotions has more to do with lacking boundaries not low emotional intelligence.
I agree... She kind of lost me there
Dr. did say set physical boundaries
Lene Brantley yes but the first thing she talked about was having low emotional intelligence, I think it’s very reckless and insensitive to say and in no way true.
You shouldn’t be feeling insulted tho because it doesn’t mean you’re emotionally stupid... lacking emotional intelligence manifests itself in lacking emotionally boundaries too actually... so
MajorDetail _ I don’t take this personally and i’m not insulted but I personally don’t agree with that.
Second comment. This was so clear and understandable. I am not kidding when I say, as soon as I get my “best friend” used to be boyfriend off my sofa and get a job I WILL send you thanks, I was able to hang on to my sense of humour and ability to keep my word.
The idea of building an “emotional force field around yourself” it’s fantastic, thank you!!!
Wow, Dr. Marks. Thank you so much for this video. It applies to my experience on so many levels. Wonderful examples. It's a little difficult to think that I struggle with awareness around my emotional intelligence, but, all my life, I realize, I have struggled with being an "emotional sponge" or a HSP. I am inspired to read more about the Psychodynamic research behind this concept. I have also been researching alexethymia-which I think also has a lot to do with why I struggle with awareness of my own emotional experience, and find myself overly affected by others' emotional experiences. This video literally just changed my life and I am going to work on my self awareness and mindfulness, and try to protect myself more around highly emotional people. In the past, I have identified with the term, "emotional punching bag", as people often (sometimes friends, acquaintances and even total strangers) feel the need to unload on me, and it's unfair, but there is truth to the reason why they seem to be attracted to me (I am very much a "people pleaser" and a person who just wants to help others, often at my own expense). I have been in abusive relationships and have stayed because I thought I was obligated to take on their shit, or, in some way responsible for their emotional struggles. No more! I am so grateful for this reminder and I have learned so much from watching your videos. Keep 'em coming! 💪
What an epiphany you’ve had there. 😊 Reminders are always a good thing and repetition is the key to seeing real change. So good luck with your work on self-awareness. I’m sure it will be very beneficial for you. I wish you the best. ❤️
I had to keep pausing the video after every time Tracey said something that painfully applied to me.
Im listening to this multiple times to really get it in my noggin. This year things have changed, im not as spongy thanks to therapy, finding/understanding boundaries (finally!), visualizing and other mindfulness techniques to protect my energy, and the mantra “whats mine is mine, whats theirs is theirs” when i feel im taking on something not my own. Its SO worth the time and effort and to find how it can change everything in ways that can seem magical.
Thank you for giving us such understandable info to further help us get even just one more nugget of comprehension that makes our lives better!
I can't even find the words for this segment. You have nailed it for me. Spent the last couple of years in an anxiety driven place. People do come to me with their ordeals and drama. In most cases, I listen and emphasize their situations. For the past few years , I've been dealing with a son who passed, a father with Dementia and another family member whose mental illness has spiraled. And for me, I want and wanted to fit them and their issues. Thank you, Dr. Marks for bringing this topic to light and for offering some solutions.
you explain everything so well i feel grounded again just by listening to you, ily
This has given me a lot of clarity about my bpd and how I tend to absorb others' emotions a lot. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I still have quite a few things to work on and this video has really helped to give me insight into what specifically I need to work on. Thank you so much for making this video
I am so glad i found your channel. I am definitely going to watch some of your other videos. This video is my life to a tee. I have very low emotional intelligence and I am an emotional sponge. I lost my mom unexpectedly in July of this year & I can’t live like this anymore! I am stressed all the time & an emotional wreck. If I learned anything from her passing is life is too short & we have to live it to the fullest. I lost so much time worrying about other people’s feelings instead of my own! Thank you for addressing this issue and educating everyone!
Dr. Marks Thank You! this is lifting me beyond belief right now. thank you. may we all be lifted!
Thank you for putting out such amazing content! This is my first video of yours and I am simply amazed by the nuanced but clear anazlysis.
Wow I needed this! Time to start working on this problem I have, I feel guilty for letting people go that make me feel this way. I always seem to put others feelings first . People say I’m great to talk to, but I’m giving them all I have am letting them consume me. Thanks tracey. I need to fix me and not other people. 💗
Dr Marks, you're describing my life. I believe I'm sticking to my friend just because she has strong opinions and she kinda guides and tells me indirectly what I should want and do.
I also tend to stick to ambitious people because I feel like I won't lose track with them.
And btw I love your hair.
Needed this SOOOOOOOO MUCH! The accuracy!!!
Honestly, your vibe is so contagious
Is there a video on being emotionally repressed? I think I might have that
no but I could try and make one. I like start with a good angle let me think about it.
@@DrTraceyMarks thank you for considering this. At times, I recognize my desire to suppress my feelingswhen negative emotins feel overwhelming or when I express intense positive emotions and they aren't received with vigor.
I find your video so clear. I appreciate that you speak so candidly about this. It explains so many of my interactions with people close to me (growing up and into adulthood). Also, it helps me understand that I am not wrong when I choose not to pander to my friends' emotional needs.
I seem to absorb the emotions that ppl deny they're feeling, the ones that they cant or wont regulate that causes them to project it thru abusive, demeaning words, that are always an attack. I know the attack is about them, so I am sadly understanding, so they dont ever stop. Becuz these are the feelings they fear, I cant ever address the behavior with them. Which is hard , hard on me.
This is explained so perfectly! It's spot on. We spend so much of our life living out our traumas and patterns of emotional imbalances. Great teaching!
This helps me stop being an emotionally draining person 💗 Thank you.
One minute in and I subscribed. I have had plenty of therapy in my life and immediately responed to her direct, intelligent, sincere approach. Cannot wait to listen to more content.
I needed this more than I thought I did. Explains why I can’t watch certain UA-camrs when they rant or be around family members when they are mad😞