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Deuteronomy 22 New International Version 22 If you see your fellow Israelite’s ox or sheep straying, do not ignore it but be sure to take it back to its owner. 2
it's embarrassing and then after being triggered I later feel shame and guilt and then I "forget" what they did wrong and it's all my fault and that is why we stay in these b.s. relationships cos we think it's all our fault when they behaved badly and didn't care. When we learn to love ourself - we are never alone or unsupported again. We learn to love ourself and reparent ourself and then we can support ourself as we walk ourselves through life with positive kind self-talk 🙂❤⚘We are allowed to be our best friend and cheerleader.
What helps me tremendously is use all those emotions and not associate them with „me“ It‘s not my fault. Basically shifting the blame effectively. You suffer from blaming yourself. Look at who raised you, who tried , or who didn’t. Perhaps they failed Take an honest look If you see that they actually made huge mistakes while raising you. You can blame their bad parenting (Not addressing your parents or caretakers, speaking in general) This way you can use the blame in a better way, in order to push these people away. That‘s how I deal with it
I’m 6 minutes in and absolutely amazed that I have finally come across someone who explains my emotions without making me feel absolutely insane and neurotic… even after seeing multiple therapists over the years. THANK YOU!
I’m 70 years old and after years of therapy and self-help programs, today I learned that what I’ve been dealing with my whole life is emotional disregulation. Wow! Well better late than never. Great video!
Right there with you. Same age and everything! I isolate a lot because I m so afraid of blowing up or else imploding trying to interact. It's exhausting! ❤️
Mmmm... Although I'm sure you always knew that you were not in control or able to control your emotions. It's simply a term to describe what you already knew, which is all a 'diagnosis' is. The difficulty is practising enough to get good at not reacting at the beginnings of overwhelm or panic or extreme anxiety or anger....
@Tomasino Romano I’m your friend, Tomasino. My entire youth was wrong on every level too. It’s painful to even read books because every book seems to evoke a painful memory or memories.
“Don’t underestimate the damage you can do when trying to solve problems while deregulated. It’s kind of like driving drunk.” Needing to hear that. Heard it.
You're not suppressing your feelings, you're postponing your feelings until you're more regulated. Contrary to popular beliefs you don't have to talk things out to get regulated ❤️
I do need to talk things out, but not in the moment. I don't even need to talk it out with the person, I am just a verbal processor and I need good council to help me self-reflect. However, 19:09 Everything that needs to be said should still be said. We need to be careful not to avoid needed conversations, so we can talk about it when READY and able.
Yeah, before meditation and yoga, I thought talk therapy was the only thing that existed. Hahaha hahaha 😆 It never really helped much...other than me telling me what was wrong and a book my therapist recommended.
I've been told I'm bipolar. But the truth is my last ten years of my life changed so much and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm in therapy I'm getting counciling. I'm working on my issues and taking meds. But the best part to handle a lot of my bad memories ptsd caused, was talking about it. Eventually they get easier to bring up and talk about it. The hard part is remembering what words I chose to explain this bc one wrong word and my entire trauma comes back out. There's new things I need to talk through again to replay the record over and over until my brain gets it right that I shouldn't be this emotional. It's all past events; I can't change what happened. In time I hope the tape finishes and it thing doesn't skip anymore
I have cptsd and adhd. The emotional disregulation combined with impulsivity can be a volatile combination. Plus, being neurodivergent, I struggle with social conventions of interactions in the first place. Relationships of all kinds are so hard. You hit the nail on the head with the sense of urgency. I've only recently realized that when triggered I feel like a child in danger, frantically crying out for rescue, safety, comfort, reassurance... what my family should have given me, but didn't. As an adult I am not given these things when I am triggered either. It further reinforces the belief that others do not see me as worthy of care, that I am a priority to no one, that my needs are always a burden to others, that everyone expects me to betray myself for their benefit, that I will always be betrayed or violated under the right circumstances, that everyone chooses me last. Then the loop starts over. I need to protect myself, which I do by lashing out or withdrawing completely.
Oh wow, JH. This is exactly how I feel so often. This is my hurt, angry eight year old. Then, when I try to stick up for myself, I feel like a kitten in a sac--frantically fighting, but getting absolutely nowhere!
I am a survivor with cptsd and other mental issues associated with my diagnosis. I know where you are coming from. Right now, I am in emotional dysregulation. I feel like the little boy frantically reaching out from the dark place, hoping someone will grab my hand and pull me out. I know what it's like to be discarded or called a burden. Those people are the ones who are going to miss out. We are loyal to the core to people once you have gained our 100% trust. But once you break our sacred trust. We may never trust you again. We have to have people willing to be patient and understanding of our disability.
I've only recently learned to tell myself, "I'm all up in my feelings right now. I'd better not respond to this until I feel calmer." It's really helping.
“The sense of urgency is a sign you need DOUBLE the time to regulate” this is SO TRUE!! The most helpful thing I’ve done in my life recently is let go of the idea that I’m always right when I feel right. Life teaches you that you can be 100% certain of something and still somehow be wrong.
Ouch. I have emotional disregulation. My mom is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. And each and every time I had a disregulated emotion (from the constant abuse from the entire family) the first thing she would do would be to scream at me to calm down...that I 'didn't have to get so angry' about things. It's a special kind of pain to have an honest reaction devalued by not only your parent, but your siblings. Wow. This meant a lot. Thank you.
I have been living with this for 15 years. My grandmother bless her soul, did what she knew. She was verbally, emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive. I was terrorized as a lot of us African/ Caribbean kids were. We were told to shut up, we were scolded when making normal mistakes kids make, we never heard I’m proud of you, I love you. I’m so messed up, reactive, impulsive in my adult life. I’m always in fight mode, I’m exhausted, it’s exhausting.
I didn’t have this experience but reading about yours just made me want to reach out and say I’m really sorry. That sounds terribly hard. Please take incredibly good care of yourself. You deserve it.
I had the same experience with my nan. She used to treat my sister better than me. She would gang up with my mother and they'd both hit me. But it makes sense why my mother, my aunt and my uncles are the way they are. The best we can do is break the cycle.
Oh my God I can so relate! My dad took off on us, at 6 yrs old. (the whole entire family ) We grew up, poor & so of stress and my mother was very toxic. It was either screaming and yelling or ignoring nothing else. I never did anything school wise after curricular activities and I’m athletic too. She never took an interest to anything I did in life ever and it’s tough having a relationship with her now …she’s miserable in her marriage and she lashes out and I’m not even allowed to have a stepfather the guy she’s been with for the past 30 years. He literally can’t even call me on the phone. She she has completely blocked that relationship from me. She’s actually told me that I’m not deserving of a father. I’m 52 years old and I’ve decided now I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want her in my life because when people meet her they like her because she jokes and you know when you’re talking about nothing or the animals everything’s great, but she doesn’t go deep and then of course when I break up with the boyfriend as inevitably when that comes, she wants to stay friends with them yet I can’t even talk to my stepdad. I have brought up little bit to her like how she’s always cutting me down and she flips out and tells me I need a shrink (when she’s never had any help herself yet she tells us she has and she’s actually refused it with my stepfather they had one appointment with someone and she walked out of there, bitching about how wrong the therapist was, and never went again. She hates men and she’s tried to push that on me my whole life But what I’ve decided is this course really resonates and I don’t want her in my life and I’m going to speak up we’ve gotten many fights over the years but I’m planning to move to Florida and when I do, I’m going to let her know how terrible it’s been what she’s done And I know she’s going to lash out. She won’t able to handle it because she lives on one-way street and NEVER looks at herself or if she does have a moment it never lasts But it’s played a big role in me self sabotaging my intimate relationships because I’m dealing with this crap from my childhood you know it just comes out. I get so insecure and jealous and everything and I never feel like I’m good enough. Just thought I’d share because it’s tough and I think besides what she has. I think it’s good to be able to help others and get out of ourselves as well as much as possible. ❤
Writing is more helpful than talking. This is the most important thing Anna has ever told us. She & others are right. If you were silenced when young & being abused or neglected, it is hard to talk. Writing gives you something to concentrate on whilst you write to yourself to allow yourself to have your feelings out.
I feel like there’s a certain way to do it though. I don’t know how to do it though. Do you write down what your fears are, and your resentments are along with the fears or something? I feel like I could do it though, even though I’m blind, I still could do it.
@@siennaprice1351 There is no right or wrong way to express your feelings in writing. Just start writing. You could write something like: this feels stupid writing out how I feel, and take it from there. The important thing is that your feelings are being safely expressed (getting your thoughts and feelings out), and only you know how you feel. Hope this helps. 😊
When I was 16 I started writing letters to the people who had hurt me, and never gave them the letters. It was a very secret behaviour that I felt embarrassed by. I'm now so proud of young me for finding a way to self regulate. I'm 43 now and last year while moving house I found this little nostalgic shoe box of unsent letters ❤
This reminds me of me when I would write letters to my mom as an attempt to communicate everything I couldn’t at the time, except I would give them to her only for her to eventually refuse to accept them or even read them. Big hug to you and me 💕
My daughter does this it does drive a wedge between us. Im watching these videos as to understanding of the cpstd issues and her and to recognise respond and cope with it her and myself.
I never even really made this connection. I used to have these horrible outbursts when I got upset or frustrated, I would end up either screaming at the top of my lungs because it felt like these emotions were fighting to get out. Or I'd end up throwing things. Luckily I've managed to calm it down and I don't throw shit anymore but I do still feel uncontrollable rage at times and I never thought it might be my CPTSD.
Absolutely relate! I get lost in that too whenever i feel too much pressure or shame of any kind. I get swallowed up easily and fall to the bottom really fast. I painted a whole series of different waves last year to try and deal with the overwhelm that I was dealing with at the time..
1. Notice and say "I'm having an emotional reaction." -flooding with emotion, adrenaline, panic, starting to cry 2. Imagine a belly button knob of 1-11 of emotion. Dial it down from 8 to 2. 3. Slow down the interaction -take big pauses, take your time to speak 3.2. Tell the person you need to take a break, but this conversation is important to you. 3.3. If you're angry, *don't write*. Take an hour-- (or two, if it feels urgent). Come back after you've used your introspective writing or physical activity tools. 4. "Emergency writing" to put emotions or fears on paper. 5. Hard exercise or Physical grounding techniques -run up and down stairs, brisk walking, wash your hands, splash your face with cold water, shower, etc. 6. Talk it out with a third party only if it's not adding to the dysregulation. Otherwise, return to the writing. 7. I would add that, if you're having an interpersonal conflict, you need to separate the emotional reaction from setting boundaries. For c-PTSD survivors, conflict feels unsafe, so we think we need to lash out immediately in order to protect ourselves. Reach emotional regulation (it's okay if it takes a couple days, at first). Then, decide what boundary was crossed and what it should be (in order to protect yourself). Then, plan what you're going to say (which may also take a few days, at first). And then, have the boundaries conversation so you can see whether this person will respect your boundaries or not. If they don't, that's a big red flag to distance yourself. If they do, or want to negotiate the boundaries, you know they're willing to work with you. Take responsibility and acknowledge anything that you also need to work on (apologize, if necessary), which will show that you want to work on things together. (But don't take responsibility for their actions, reactions, emotions or thoughts. If they're an adult, they can handle themselves.)
@@goldenchipmunk She says to imagine a dial at the center of your body, like a volume button that you can turn up or down. Instead of turning down the volume, imagine turning down your emotions (until you find time to deal with it)
@Judy Mwanzo She means don't write a text or email in anger. That's an easy way to make mistakes and damage relationships. Take some time to calm down, first, so you can think straight. Then, write your email or text or talk with the person. But if you're talking about writing in a journal, that might be a good way to help process the situation.
7 is big for me. I lash out repeatedly and disrespect OTHER peoples boundaries because I have none of my own. I’m working on both sides of this. I want to respect people who deserve my respect and not my lashing out.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD and had zero therapy. I have lived in a dark bubble for years now. Gave up all my friendships because I couldn't control my emotions, I got tired of "accidentally" hurting others when I was in an episode. You get it! I am so using the tools you gave in this video..I'm so relieved someone gets it. I'm very self aware, but have very few coping skills.
I had all the coping skills in the world, then started to go blind and lost them all. Finding new ones was hard. Took years. Now I’ve seemed to have lost them all over again by caring for a kid.. is it a lack of time? space? predictability? who knows, it I’m on a recovery path yet again ~ My point is, don’t give up. Its worth it, finding your coping skills
@@talitherose You've been dealt some very tough breaks, and you take the time to care for others and to encourage others. I'd say you're an exceptional human being.
Same here I too have CPTSD and am vegan hyper aware with ADHD and when old coping methods don’t work, new ones seem to help. I’m in the process of rewiring my neural pathways and Tony Robbins book Awaken the Sleeping Giant within is an excellent book to learn about it. The science behind our neurons firing off old pathways of bad behaviors can be closed by creating new ones❤
I feel it’s important to remember though that our behaviour - emotional dysregulation, doesn’t excuse others. Like the example given of the husband being late, if this is a common behaviour and he’s always doing things like this then that needs addressing too. I had this issue and when I admitted I had a problem over reacting he took it as me accepting full fault and he took zero responsibility for his part. It was like I had given him golden ticket to no longer accept responsibility for any of his bad behaviour.
I agree. The problem is is when the other person doesn’t want to admit to their issues or put them back on you or even worse use their emotional outburst to the end of the conversation so that this can’t be resolved in a simple way or start blaming you and show you how it was your fault that they were late. In a normal relationship talking about habitual wrongs should be easy, but in dysfunctional relationships, it turns into a whole different argument.
One thing I learned in therapy is to think of something someone is or isn't doing and ask myself "would this piss me off even if I was not having an episode?" If indeed it would, I no longer allow my partner and children to blame their bad behavior on "my overreacting". I try not to anyway...
I have noticed that in few relationships also. I noticed that if I’ve overreacted or done anything that I think hurt their feelings, I will apologize and I have no problems with that. However, I noticed most people don’t apologize for their part but are happy to accept my apology. I find some people don’t want to take any responsibility for any part they may have played in something that does create a strong reaction. I started backing off people who never feel like they do anything or take any responsibility. There are people who will not own their part in anything. It’s almost seen as a weakness by some people when you apologize because then they can remain in their power because they don’t want to humble themselves.
I am a 58 year old retired nurse (due to disability) and I have alienated so many co-workers and friends because I used to have emotional outbursts and arguments with them at work. I am now disabled and use that as an excuse to isolate myself at home. I’m single and have no friends because I don’t trust myself anymore. Almost every time I have a stressful doctor visit, etc; I find myself tearing up trying to explain why I’m there. I have learned so much and have started to learn that I can regulate my emotions. I hope maybe someday to have friends and be able to have somewhat normal rest of my life… Words cannot express how glad I am that I’ve found your channel!!
I'm so glad too! Your symptoms are SO normal for someone who has been traumatized. If you can let that in -- just know it's not your fault you struggle like this, a huge weight can be lifted. All that energy that was going toward shame can be used to notice and heal the triggers that set off the dysregulation -- and then the trauma-driven behaviors. You are definitely in the right place!
SO much more helpful than 'feel your feelings', which unintentionally gives permission to overreact and explode allover people and turns someone into an hysteric who loses friendships and the respect of others.
My father gave me some great advice for this type of situation. Get up and go to the bathroom. When you say you gotta go to the bathroom it buys you time and if the urgency shows right in your face no one will stop you 😭
The crying is the hardest for me. I don't have outbursts. I don't say things I don't mean. I've learned not to react to the emotions from a behavioral perspective. In the moment, I can cognitively recognize that this is a disproportionate reaction in my body. But....the crying! I can't stop it. Any strong emotion will make me cry.
Ugh. I cry when I’m mad too and can’t control it. I don’t say anything, just cry. I’m not sad or scared. I guess I’d rather cry than get physically violent.
Me too! I don't even say anything but then my crying gets misinterpreted as an attention-seeking behavior, manipulation tactic, or tantrum. (Might be related to my autism, though)
I was diagnosed with bpd (borderline personality disorder) so my emotions are always intense. I turned to alcohol to cope and basically screwed my life up. I'm sober now and have been dealing with my trauma for a while. Never thought I'd feel happiness, or like/love myself, but I do 😘
@@salma_Nella22 started feeling real happiness in therapy which I had in 2013. I had just done 18 weeks in rehab for alcoholism, I'd relapsed and needed help. The counsellor was a lovely lady. Told her some shocking stories , but she made me feel safe. Saw her for just under 2 yrs as she had to leave. I also did cbt group therapy everyday except Sunday and went to an alcohol recovery support group a few times a week. I had no one so I really needed them I have got my family back in my life now though. Its real happiness I feel now, not all the time of course, but it's not that fake happiness you feel when drunk. X
In my college days, I was so unaware of my unreasonable reactions that I’d lose friends and never know why. Still no memories of those scenes. Crazy what the mind will do to protect and reject real or imagined threats.
Before I was "conscious" 3 years ago I had learned all my life to surpress all my feelings as the consequences of showing any emotion, however fleeting, was dire. When I learned about what had actually happened and that I was traumatized and had cPTSD the opposite happened and I felt the emotions so intensely, often times I could barely function or even think. The difference now is that I have learned to be very gentle with myself, acknowleging that I'm disregulated and there is a reason for that and I just stop what I'm doing and take a few moments to breathe and calm myself down. If I'm alone I will talk to myself out loud as a supportive parent would do with a child who feels confused and bewildered. It takes practice to remember to do this but I try to act quickly and calmly and it usually works
Absolutely, this. At the beginning of my own process of “re-discovery” my past and the abuses, I dreamed of my 3yo self. She was glowing and so cute. She ran into my arms and I cannot explain how deep was my surprise in realizing how precious she was. I felt love for the first time, and it was almost unbereable. So the memory of her helped me tremendously when I finally was able to afford EMDR therapy, and today I still “pick her up in my arms” and soothe her everytime I am able to notice my own signs of distress (still not easy, but getting there).
That's what they mean I think when they talk about reparenting yourself. I'm working on this myself and it def is helpful! Because if I imagine me being one of my kids i approach things way different!
@@carlottak4496 Ohhh...I wish I could do this with my 3 year old self...I think the age of 3 is when our parents realize we're not what they wanted us to be and that's where the trauma might have begun.
Notes: 1. Acknowledge your emotional reaction ( I'm having an emotional reaction) 2. Slow down the interaction: consider your words, take your time to say things, knob visualization, restraint of texting; sense of urgency= double time needed for re-regulation. Pause for 30 min, an hour or tomorrow. 3. Emergency writing 4. Exercise 5. Practice being in your body/mindfulness 6. Vent to someone neutral
@@frankuvlkan do you know I can see your comment history? You literally copy pasted this comment to 35 different women. Either you are a scammer who's trying to make money off of vulnerable people or you are a h*rny old goat. Either way shame on you. If you are retired, get a hobby instead of trying to hit on women one third your age.
This really is the first time someone has addressed my emotional disregulation. 😢 I once dated a guy who told me that I had 'mental issues' while we were having an argument. He never tried to understand or showed empathy. Those words offended me so much because I knew he was using my personal struggles against me. But this here explains so much of my personal issues.
Video Summary : - Emotional dysregulation isn't always about not feeling what you're supposed to feel; it's often feeling too much. - Emotional dysregulation can lead to extreme emotional outbursts or emotional flatness, both of which can create new traumas. - Emotional dysregulation can lead to intense reactions, fueled by past traumas, and affect relationships negatively. - Managing emotional reactions involves noticing, slowing down interactions, and using techniques like visualizing a 'belly knob' to regulate emotions. - Avoid sending messages or having conversations when emotionally overwhelmed; instead, postpone discussions to regain composure. - Use paper as a therapeutic tool to express and relieve overwhelming emotions before engaging in important communication, allowing for a healthier dialogue. - Develop self-awareness and the ability to recognize emotional dysregulation as a trance-like state, allowing you to gently pull back and regain control before engaging in conversations. - Practice patience and wait until you're emotionally regulated before engaging in important conversations, allowing you to express yourself with clarity, fairness, and love.
For anyone watching this who cries when they’re frustrated/upset in any setting…I just wanna say, the turning the knob on your belly concept really works. I put it into practice. You will still get teary eyed(even maybe one tear will shed)/sniffly but somehow you’re able to keep the tears from flowing out intensely. I think you should still cry in your alone time though. Don’t hold the tears in. Just saying it works for public settings/situations
Yesss and it kept in denial longer about being in an abusive toxic relationship with a narcissist. I felt and looked like the raging toxic unstable lunatic he wanted me to be. Now Im here trying to regulate so I can stop feeding his miserable life.
As a therapist myself, I can't emphasize enough the importance of emotion regulation. I believe that may be the most important skill a human being can possess - acknowledging your feelings, being in touch with your feelings, and being able to appropriately control one's emotions. Much harm can come from lack of emotion regulation and our prisons are full of people who allowed their emotions to control them. One of the first things I do when I begin working with a client is assessing their level of emotion regulation - this is high priority. Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance are frequently the starting points when I begin working with a client. Some clients come into therapy with a good degree of emotion regulation and that's great, however many do not and need emotion regulation to be the focus of treatment, at least initially.
Personally I Believe therapy is a Waste of time & money. I have learned better to personally do the research yourself! The world via the internet is Loaded with information today
Oh my gosh!!!! You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘it stems from not being heard as a child.’ My mother was an absolute monster when I was small and I tried to tell my dad (who knew but hid in a cloud of weed)and my extended family members (who were scared of her themselves). No one listened, no one did a thing to help. So now as an adult I stand up for everyone who I feel is suffering in silence or who isn’t being taken care of. I also stand up for myself now. When this ‘protector’ mode is triggered my ‘plane takes off’ and it’s REALLY hard to come back down. Lack of sleep, the 2-3 days before my cycle begins, and stuffing stress for too long are the worst things for me. I know I’m fixing to go off when I feel a tight pressure in my head and I get weepy. Those are alarm bells when I need to walk away for a good while. I now save my vacation days for those times. It’s a rough way to live though.
@@virsapiensfortisest922 my body just wants to collapse some days from trying to hold it together. Other times it doesn't want to comply with what's good for me. Like staying in uncomfortable situations when i need to walk out. I don't know when I'm being too hard on myself or when I genuinely need to tell myself that this isn't the way to react or respond to this situation. When I'm stressed out, It takes me days, months and in the past years to recover. It makes me sad that it's a pattern I still have till today. It shows up as me being tired, lethargic, obsessing over what's not in my control and a racing heart/headaches. I wish I could flip a switch to make me not care.
@@GayleCreates Every single thing you described is so relatable!!! I struggle in the exact same ways and with the same thought patterns. I know it sounds weird to say this, but I think there is some comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones out there going through this. I too have wished I could switch a flip and just not care, but I’m reminded that the fact that we DO care is what makes us special. It’s our gift and our curse at the same time. Its sure hard though :(
@@virsapiensfortisest922 I think its important to surround yourself with people that love you for you, and not what you do for them. It also important to do one thing for yourself in the day( be it ordering food from outside, listen to your favorite music, calling a friend, reading some jokes) and lastly the third would be to ask yourself, if you had one thing to achieve in your life at this moment, what would it be? Write it down and do one thing to chase that dream. I believe a combination of all of these 3 things makes the process of life a little easier. What I can say is, don't give up! Your thoughts arnt you and we got this!!!
YES! I never got it how "just talk about your feelings" works for other people, for me it only makes it all worse, it's nice you talk about this too. Also, in my experience, writing *that* email, text, letter, does help, just don't actually send it.
At one point I worked for a very rude boss who went on a spiritual retreat every month that taught him to let out his feelings. He sure did. He was a rage-a-holic.
Yup. I don't talk about my feelings much unless it's with safe people. The cut is deep, when it comes to people being careless with my emotional intimacy. I talk to my feelings, not about them.
@@Iquey This overload of feelings is me. It's always triggered by someone or over stimulation. It's getting worse the older I get and because people in my life are definitely getting more abusive, the world as a whole is more abusive. They tend to turn everything around onto me. They will say something I feel is uncalled for or inappropriate and when I actually speak up about or if I'm upset about it then I'm told "it's a joke," "drama queen," or that I should care about their feelings.
I didn't ever realize my emotions were so messed up until this video. I thought it was just me as a person. I have learned to hate myself after 34 years of these irregular and mostly inappropriate outbursts. It's good to know it isn't my fault...and also that I can change it. Thank you
I always feel so ASHAMED after I get emotional. Everything feels so real. I hate feeling so intensely. I find if I start thinking I'm am safe, my body is safe I can help get an emotional grip. That my body is not reacting correctly and amping me up.
I could have written the same exact thing!! I hate being like that too! I try to think about something else to help me regulate when it's happening, but it's like when the river flows it's too late 🤦♀️
i have the same issue. What works best for me is to closer my mouth and not say anything until i am calm. If I have to speak at all, I am noncommittal and say as little as possible. This gives me time to regulate and find the best response. I hope this helps.
Back in the days when people commonly wrote to themselves in a diary, or just a notebook, on paper, for themselves, they were able to deal with the strong feelings of the situations in their lives ... Many of us need to attend to ourselves in this way as whether we have people or not, we need to explain & explode in a safe way, on the page, in order to maintain calm with others. Texting others is fine. But when you're really upset, text to yourself first. Then send a calmer text to another later, if you still want to. We often crave understanding from others. The great thing is we can give that understanding we need to ourselves, through writing.
Unless you have a toxic family... mine found my journals where I would word vomit and express my strong emotions (both positive and negative) and they weaponized my vulnerability against me. And even got others outside my family to put me through narcissistic abuse...
@@thecommunity1102 : Ok, then you can write, rip, bin. or store it elsewhere. Most of us here had our privacy invaded in this and in many other ways. Write it & chuck it if you have to.
@@thecommunity1102 I remember regretting everything I wrote for about a decade. I sure hope this passes easily for you towards your best health and activity.
I think you are the only person that has ever mentioned shame around dysregulation. I'm a psych student now, too. I haven't heard it there yet. I know this well. It lasts for a long time. It attacks your mind and tells you you're a broken, terrible, annoying, frustrating person to be around. I like the guidance here. I wish I knew more about this earlier. Maybe some relationships would have worked if I had this under control (or knew about it then). Thanks for all of this support. I think it'll make me a better therapist one day too.
I was raised and emotionally abused by a narcissist father. My older sister was a narcissist too. I’m 55 yrs old and I still can’t be in the same room with a narcissist; they trigger an explosion of white hot anger in me. Currently doing EMDR and it has helped tremendously thus far!
Her description is so on target. She is here because God knows she can help people like me. She is an angel. Emotional Dysregulation is a problem that I've had for years and now I can start control it.
“Have you done that?….I’ve done it.“ Knowing that the person trying to help knows because she’s been through it made me drop my defenses. Thank you so much. May God bless you.
I wish I could find a group (local-in person) to watch her videos and discuss them. I get so much out of them and feel like discussing them (like a book study) would help me really absorb and put the techniques into practice. I’m terrible at regulating and organizing my time-that’s why I say “in person.” If I have an in person commitment I keep it. I guess I also feel others in my life would respect it and not see it as something I can be flexible on. I retired, and I don’t feel I respect my time, so of course others don’t either.
I never knew the outburst with the flat emotionless end result was a thing other people experienced. I have been searching for help in this crazy cycle. You hit my situation spot on and I'm so thankful for this help.
I’ve never heard anyone describe my emotional ups and down so spot on. Strong overly-emotional reaction to a situation, then shame and shutting down, which just makes me feel worse and worse, and probably makes the cycle happen more frequently.
00:02 Emotional dysregulation can be more damaging than being out of touch with your feelings. 02:08 Emotional dysregulation can lead to harmful behaviors and create new traumas. 04:00 Emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, causing conflicts and relationship issues. 05:56 Understanding emotional dysregulation helps in managing and expressing emotions effectively. 07:48 Slowing things down reduces overwhelm and helps regain perspective. 09:46 Take time to emotionally regulate before expressing yourself when you're angry. 11:40 Writing down your emotions can help in healing emotional dysregulation. 13:38 To improve productivity, express overwhelming emotions on paper or through physical activity. 15:36 Emotional dysregulation can be overcome by developing self-awareness and using tools. 17:21 Avoid discussing your trauma in detail when you are already upset. 19:06 Waiting to express emotions until you're regulated helps with emotional and brain regulation. 20:47 Talk about feelings at the right time and place
I believe more people suffer from childhood issues more then thought of by these professionals. My family dysfunctions goes back generations from what I have heard, seen and experienced. Not one doctor, therapist ever brought this up to suggest how to address it and treat it. Just misdiagnosed and medicated me with every drug they could think of to go on to the next patient. Thank you so much for your videos and finally making me grasp onto what my issues really originated and how I can work on getting better.
Agreed. As far back as my grandmother could tell me severe severe trauma has happened to all the women in my lineage. Now that I think back to this conversation with her it has occurred to me that it has to stop with me. It didn’t with my mother at all. It almost didn’t with me. But somehow the love for my children coming into my life woke me up to all of these cycles that need to be broken.
Yes it usually is generational, like depression too. Everyone likes to hide these little facts but it talks about generational curses in the Bible. The women on my mothers side are monsters to their daughters but just go head over heals to the grand daughters. My mother wouldn’t leave me alone until I was in my fifties and she was relentless and a force to be reckoned with. Nice one minute and toxic the next. Hang up the phone that’s okay she’d call you until you picked up. I have finally felt some peace at 62 and able to talk to her occasionally with love which is miraculous. I’ve forgiven many but I have seen I am no easy picnic like I thought I was. I can admit I’m wrong. But the shame, anger, crying chaos, wanting to die were relentless for years. Counseling confuses me just tell me what it is you want me to know. Be direct. Telling your horrible story over and over again. Being an Air Force brat and moving so much that is why I thought I didn’t have friends. Nope it’s me. I am thankful for someone who understands and explains in concise ways what happened, what is happening, how you react, how you slow it down (what I might have hope?!) how to think, take your time, and so forth!!! I want to know what are other counselors getting paid for????? They didn’t help. Glad I stopped going. It was like hitting my head on a wall. God bless everyone and don’t ever give up on yourself you deserve a better future and new day. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It's funny (in a 'not funny way'), I read your kind of comment all the time on 'on line' mental health vids, i.e. how you've had e.g. years and years of therapy with different therapists and all they did was e.g. 'listen, nod, validate how hard it must be for you, asking you 'how you feel about it' or just drug you; instead of e.g. offering you strategies for emo regulation, or how to deal with ruminating thoughts, or distress tolerance, or how to interact with, or assert yourself around others, or how to face and overcome phobias or situations that trigger extreme distress, or how to process stuck difficult memories (whether they be 'conscious memories' or more like memories lodged in your body as e.g. extreme anxiety, or nausea, or muscle pain etc) so they aren't affecting your everyday life 'now'; or how to build a strong sense of personal meaning, direction o self worth, confidence, etc - how to fully embody a new posture or a way of grounding and composing yourself so you can better challenge the hold of difficult problems, thoughts, feelings, urges or situations that bring/keep you down etc. It really makes me wonder if different parts of the world offer utterly different services (?). I'm a counsellor, and like my all my peers, we work 'directly' with everything I just mentioned, with they very same kind of stuff they talk about on vids like these, but with the added advantage of 'tailoring it to you' as my client (not just to a general audience), and being able to converse with you (a vid is only ever one way), so it's done at your pace, or in a way that best resonates with where you are at a(And we don't muck around either - We 'get to it'). So it just beggars belief that you (and others) have had to endure years and years of bad counselling only to discover this stuff 'now' in a 10 minute introductory video; stuff that in my mind, IS precisely 'bang on' what counsellors do! Exploring and applying this stuff IS our bread an butter. Sorry for the rant, but it really is just so shocking and utterly surprising to me! Terrible.
I wish this were taught and retaught in school curriculum. I was stunned to take PSY 101 in my 30’s with what I learned. People need this information much earlier - getting to be too fractured a society, kids need the tools now to deal with all the traumatized adults who have no tools themselves. Humans are dying for no reason because they can’t do this.
Yes! I was floored in high school psychology class when they showed the monkey experiment and compared to babies in orphanages. When infants and children are deprived of affection. They ROCK themselves. Self soothing.
@@sharonthompson672 Yes Psych 101 it was horrible to see what happens when you are completely ignored so young. Humans need unconditional love as infants & children. So do animals. We are all sentient beings.
I lost my wife of 47 years in August 2023. The loss has caused several mental and physical problems since.I have been watching your channel and much of what you are talking about is so true on many levels. We were very close and several times during our military and my law enforcement days and injuries, my wife actually saved my life!
This is so helpful. Not only do I have complex trauma, but I was also a highly sensitive child. I am 47 and the tumbling out of emotions has affected me my entire life. I feel more confident, or at least hopeful, I can regulate just by watching this one video. Having even a sliver of hope is empowering, because I never thought it possible to be in control of my affect. Thank you.
I am nearly 47, and today I thought, I don't want to battle this today.". My story is similar to yours. It is amazing how a sliver of hope can stand up against a lifetime of fear.
My daily routine: writing down my emotions + breathing exercises literally changed my life. I no longer get dysregulated as much or not at all. Thank to Anna and her course my life is a peaceful place🙏🤗 I still go through a lot of emotions but I mange them so they are not too intense 😊
It’s important that your partner is able to validate, understand and take responsibility for how their actions made you feel. If they feel that you’re always overreacting and you don’t, it’s probably not a good match. If you know without anyone telling you that you overreacted, that’s different.
Yes BUT the biggest problem is people who say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way/I'm sorry you're so emotional but that's not my fault" which is not an apology, it's shifting blame for feeling emotions (like hurt). IMHO those people are not good partners... To anyone, but especially someone who has suffered trauma! If a person in your life, whether they be parent partner or friend, doesn't feel genuinely sorry for the very fact that they hurt you (call me crazy but I don't want to hurt anyone) then they aren't worth having in your life... They will hurt you again. This is why so many with trauma stay in abusive relationships!
Man this is happening, i tried to say and was called sensitive, attention calling and insecure xD and now i got to my limit and we don't speak in 5 days
Yes! I saw a video on covert narcissists and they behave like this! Pouty, passive-agressive. "You're overreacting! You're too sensitive! I just won't say anything!" Then, yes: silent treatment. Still figuring out the difference between that (covert narcissist) and a badly brought up man-child 😆
I remember feeling like a bobbing cork on a vast dark sea... I feel better now that I'm not in my 20s but in my 50s with all the info available about complex trauma and chronic csa
Absolutely on point about dysregulation it's a beast in itself!! Learning and practicing on how to rebuild your inner confidence, when we are faced with our PTSD triggers is something that takes a lot of commitment and slips and falls along our journey it will occur it's part of the challenges and it's a hard hill to climb! At first I couldn't find a way to fix this terrible feeling of dysregulation I seen it as a bad thing that was best friends with my PTSD. So I just ended up over and over again just I kept falling into a cycle because I didn't know how to fix this, I knew that I had to at least try to calm this terrible storm down so I started using the tools that I had been neglecting to use because my dysregulation was a total mess! Everything goin through my head I'm doomed. And I'll never be able to create realistic thoughts again I had already convinced myself that I was lost with no ability to help myself. I was talking to my dear friend who was in the military with me and had the same dysregulation issues I had. And at the time I was not doing very well and he asked me are you using your tools! And I immediately told him no because we're great friends and he then said why? and I said I don't know? He said yes you do know, You know why that you're not using your tools because you've convinced yourself that you can't be fixed! and you're not going to be fixed I promise that neither one of us are going to be fixed ever if there's not a cure for this! If I ask you to use the tools for 30 days will you? I said yes that was 14 years ago and here I am my dysregulation has not disappeared!! But it is something I manage well now. I started using the tools that all the wonderful people that were trying to convince me to use but MY mind kept saying NO!! I went thru 8 weeks with my therapist of dysregulation to being able to determine my thoughts? Were they really going to throw me off course for getting better? My internal thoughts that are not even true? If I didn't listen to my dear friend I'm not sure I would have ever listened to anyone else? Here I had a fellow veteran like me telling me to do the work and it will help you! Use your tools do the work! I did and I cannot over emphasize that you must use tools like good reliable and trustworthy you tube channels with creators that have been through it or have a degree in the human mind! Go to credible websites such as WebMD or John Hopkins something like that Don't just go on websites where Billy Bob down the street wrote something about PTSD that's another thing that will throw you completely out of bounds as people like that Go to reliable sources they're everywhere on UA-cam there's some that are on UA-cam that are not good at all so beware and there's some that is very good I bounce back and forth to a lot of them and this is a very good one very good one. And I would suggest continuing viewing this channel you're being helped and you're being cared for by somebody who has experienced it that means a lot also. I have found throughout my numerous therapist, that I went through, Some are good! some are bad! It's just the way it is. And I have found that a lot of people hit a dead end road with the wrong therapist! If your therapist is not providing you the comfortability to understand and be able to grasp what they're trying to do if they cannot do that for you! Find a new therapist and a lot of cases I have found out that ends up being a whole lot of people's problem is the therapist that they choose. Be cautious they don't have to be your best friend they have to understand your situation that's a good therapist! It's not personal it's YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! I hope everyone has a powerful day of positivity and healthy thoughts about themselves today you deserve it! BABY STEP ARE MUST BETTER THAN NO STEPS! KEEP CLIMBING!! UNTILL YOUR EXHAUSTED AND CAN NO LONGER CLIMB! TOMORROW REPEAT!! YOU WILL BE VERY GLAD YOU DID. AND WHEN YOU PASS THE MIRROR STOP LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THAT MIRROR AND SIMPLY SAY THESE 3 WORDS. I GOT THIS.... 8 LETTERS 3 WORDS = POWERFUL!!! PEACE OUT MENTAL HEALTH WARRIORS WE GOT THIS!
In my case was never anger or aggressivity but the social awkwardness. People could tell when I was sad, humiliated and in panic or I would not react in a “normal” way according to social norms. Awkwardness I think is the most common image we give.
Oh YES! I love that you said this because that is 100% me too. Agree Agree!!!! Still am a bit. I didnt and cant read a room, read people well, control my face or my reactions and im completely unfiltered and lack approprote tack or fear. I didn't get the friendship rules or social cues... and I often reacted wrong or weird. I didnt get boundaries either. Im lots better but it took a chronic illness to wear me out physically lol and disconnecting from those that fire me up and were toxic. The target-my husband typically happened around the toxic people or about them. Lots have been solved but dang-I wish she would address this!! Thank you for this validation!!!!!
One thing I like to do is run cold water on my arms up to a bit above my elbow. It hits some important acupuncture points and seems to calm the flight fight or freeze response very quickly.
The cold water resets the nervous system. Bob from the psychology in Seattle channel is a DBT skills instructor who says this is a good tool, especially cold water or an ice pack on the face.
As someone with Asperger’s, it can be so frustrating having these outbursts where I feel like I can’t control the way I react to my emotions. Thank you for seeing us and the advice
My husband triggers me terribly and, for some reason, I feel like I can let it fly with him, even be mean, but not with others. He deserves better from me and I'm here on this channel to work on that.
Same here. For me, it’s because he is supposed to be my safe place and then i feel betrayed by him because he wasn’t for whatever reason. When she spoke of making the situation worse, that’s me. I definitely can just feel the moment/day ruined but it’s my feelings out of proportion. This video is so spot on why I act the way I do. Good luck to you in your own journey ❤
These triggers mentioned or one reason that I have never married again after a short 2 year marriage. I always said I don't trust myself and I don't want to be abusive to another person that I'm living with. I'm 68..pretty lonely from isolation and seemingly unable to keep my opinions to myself which seemed to really trigger people LOL
@@lovingjesus5184 Maybe you could invite someone to meet you for a cup of coffee somewhere or breakfast or lunch at a diner. Just for some food and conversation. It's not a forever thing, just a couple of hours.
Recently I have been encouraged that it is never to late to learn, that God won't give up on me and therefore should not give up on myself at the age of 70. This lady speaks with compassion and kindness - exactly what we all need to help us believe in ourselves. I have been desperate to get others to understand, but this advice confirms why it is not necessarily possible or helpful to find that kind of support within our family or community. Thanking God for the tool of UA-cam and this type of virtual community when used with wisdom. Thank you so much
16:51 The self-compassion here makes me want to cry. I love the way you phrase this and I hope I can employ it successfully because this advice is beautiful.
I'm 66 was sexual abused from 13 years from stepfather started at age 3? 5 of age. Physically and emotionally abused by my mother. Would say It's been a fun ride. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior 16 years ago when I was 50 And that's what saved my life and made my life tolerable. I've decided it's time to work on myself and I'm so happy and so blessed that I found this channel. Thank you for everything you do. God bless you.
The flatness after a big outburst works both ways. Sometimes after a very wonderful, intimate, connecting moment with my partner, I feel numb and dead and dark inside. It's not always negative experiences that are dysregulating. Sometimes positive experiences are dysregulating, too.
Wow, I’m in an unconditional, loving, supportive relationship for the first time and this has been so mystifying to me. I feel this huge surge of joy and love and connection for a few moments and then nothing. I think part of me fears the inevitable loss of the positive feeling and doesn’t let me feel too much of it, because it’ll be worse when it’s gone. 🙁
This happens to me randomly too and I’m glad I found this video because I started wondering if I’m a sociopath or something because sometimes I feel like I can’t feel emotions properly? But it’s only sometimes and I have diagnosed PTSD (probably cptsd) it happens in negative and positive moment for me, typically correlated with my really bad days or weeks. This makes a lot of sense to me now. It’s a cycle and I hope that now I can free myself of shame and begin coping
Honestly, sometimes I don't think I can do this. I am such a mess it seems, and possibly too far gone for any real change at this point. One day I think I can do it, then the other I feel I'm too messed up. I keep hoping for some real change one day . Thanks for all you do, Anna.
Yes you do bc you writing this in recognition and in raw honesty! This is your healing and transformation where you are in! Well done! Sometimes it's messy and allow this too. The trick is don't stay in it and don't feel guilty about it either. I have this too and I laugh afterwards after crying, shouting... without harming someone and yourself. Wow such a release and it regulates me as well. I don't feel guilty when I didn't do anything and my house looks messy or when I have pyjamas day, again the trick is don't stay in it for days...
I get it. It's totally normal to feel that way, and I think many of us can relate. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other (and give yourself some grace when you take a few steps back.) We're all rooting for you from the sidelines, and are so glad you're here with us. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I felt this way and started listening to guided theta wave meditations. I found an old CD but there are some on UA-cam. Need to listen with ear buds or ear phones, though, to get the benefit. It helps me figure out why I am a mess. I always get some insight that helps. Kelly Howell does the one I listen to.
I felt that way, too for a while. It’s a long haul, but just keep in mind that it is worth it. I think the thing that mostly got me out of it was like, “I can’t spend my life like this.” And that motivated me that I needed to get better for myself. It’s especially hard when you are first seeing all your triggers for the first time. For me, it felt like I was in a prison since I was aware of everything that set me off. Before, I was always upset, but now I could find sources but didn’t know what to do with it. It’s good to stop, acknowledge what you are feeling, find a way to calm down, and maybe apologize if you caused any damage. As you practice, you get faster at realizing when you are triggered and faster at being supportive/soothing for your inner child. Eventually, some things will stop triggering you. As I healed, I was also motivated to get better for the people in my life that loved me. (I didn’t have many of those for a lot of my life because I couldn’t handle most meaningful social interaction.)
OMG. You are SO exactly describing how my childhood trauma affects me! Not being able to control my emotions has lasted a hundred times longer than the actual trauma and severely limited my life choices.
I am so thankful to have a partner that put up with my outbursts and just left me alone most of the time when I was getting overly emotional. It helped me reflect on the situation and see it was just me over reacting and slowly I was able to change little by little and I rarely lose control anymore. It can take years to change but you can change.
Mine tried to walk me through mine, and trying to tell me how I was wrong, which always devotes in a huge fight. Then he would realize finally after all the screaming that we need to separate and then we were in a really bad place. Sometimes it will be hours. You don’t know how blessed you are to have someone that picks up on that early. I just found out today. The reason why he does that to me is because if he leaves things alone and doesn’t resolve them when they don’t logically make sense and they’re emotional, he goes into a panic inside of himself. So this is causing all of our fights. I tried to help him understand I know how that feels in different areas and I have developed tools, but he got mad and thought I wasn’t caring about his emotions and listening to his feelings because I tried to give him a solution that would help him work through his panic so we don’t have to fight as much . It really sucks when there’s dysfunction of both sides but only one side is working towards fixing it
I’ve been doing this for years. I also never apologised and never thought I was the one with the problem 😢. 13 years later I’m finally looking Inward before I hurt my family any more. My Dis-regulation is applied to EVERYTHING - Anger, Sadness, Arousal, Frustration, Excitement, Anxiety, Motivation etc. I’m glad I can finally address this.
I’ve always wondered what was my problem with wacky emotions. Now I’m not only beginning to see why, but also how to deal with them. Thank you. I started crying when I listened to this. And I’m 61 and have bipolar and borderline. I’m extremely sensitive to the point that I cried when I listened to what you had to say
I just discovered this "Crappy" channel and so appreciate it. I fully qualify for these videos and have never found anything so spot on for me. I've learned to calmly examine my state of mind to unload the feelings that are not helping and move on. Being lonely and not humanly connected is the largest warning sign for me. The instinct to isolate and not engage may have had survival value as a child; but as an adult, it's not helpful. I work on being calm every moment of the day. The need and demand to do this has brought great reward to my life: peace of mind, warm and secure inner feelings, etc. The affliction we have can bring great reward as we work on the solution over time.
So useful . I've spent most of my life avoiding people in order to avoid strong emotions . Feeling invalidated can really get my plane off the ground - brings back all the anger of my mother's insulting invalidating rages . The imagery of the belly knob is worth a try . Talking for me also brings things to the surface and the dysregulation can sometimes last for days . Something to avoid .
It's funny (in a 'not funny way'), I read your kind of comment all the time on 'on line' mental health vids, i.e. how you've had e.g. years and years of therapy with different therapists and all they did was e.g. 'listen, nod, validate how hard it must be for you, asking you 'how you feel about it' (or etc) instead of e.g. offering you strategies for emo regulation, or how to deal with ruminating thoughts, or distress tolerance, or how to interact with, or assert yourself around others, or how to face and overcome phobias or situations that trigger extreme distress, or how to process stuck difficult memories (whether they be 'conscious memories' or more like memories lodged in your body as e.g. extreme anxiety, or nausea, or muscle pain etc) so they aren't affecting your everyday life 'now'; or how to build a strong sense of personal meaning, direction o self worth, confidence, etc - how to fully embody a new posture or a way of grounding and composing yourself so you can better challenge the hold of difficult problems, thoughts, feelings, urges or situations that bring/keep you down etc. It really makes me wonder if different parts of the world offer utterly different services (?). I'm a counsellor, and like my all my peers, we work 'directly' with everything I just mentioned, with they very same kind of stuff they talk about on vids like these, but with the added advantage of 'tailoring it to you' as my client (not just to a general audience), and being able to converse with you (a vid is only ever one way), so it's done at your pace, or in a way that best resonates with where you are at a(And we don't muck around either - We 'get to it'). So it just beggars belief that you (and others) have had to endure years and years of bad counselling only to discover this stuff 'now' in a 10 minute introductory video; stuff that in my mind, IS precisely 'bang on' what counsellors do! Exploring and applying this stuff IS our bread an butter. Sorry for the rant, but it really is just so shocking and utterly surprising to me! Terrible.
i dont like hearing things like this because it's so real. i feel like i got hit by a bus sometimes after coming down off a wave of anger and ofc it's always something small. the dog peeing on the floor, my gf asking one too many questions right after work, my coworkers swearing at me, etc. ive learned to control my tone and volume but i am still really working on the intensity of what i feel but man, i never don't feel exhausted after the feelings dissipate.
I hate it too, she is amazing and gets it so much, but sometimes her delivery is negative and makes you feel worse. I don’t even think she realises she does it, like we know we are fucked we know this is how you lose friends , I wish she would stop reaffirming what we all fear and know rather than saying ‘this is how we fix it or to improve your relationships blah blah ‘…..not ‘that’s how you lose people that’s how you have no friends’ LIKE WE KNOW THIS . But that’s for the reminder
Great process! Vent in notes and delete! Before today I had never heard that venting or long story form and venting is like a reentry to the transe state. I know I don't like venting. I feel dirty and yet have been told I need to talk about it. I don't need to talk about it but I DO need to get it out. Like gathering trash in a messy house. Gather it in 1 place, toss it. I.e. write and delete. 1 question-do you read it first or do you delete when the writing stops and the feeling has passed? I am new to this great channel but not to doing the work. I look forward to the results and feedback from improved relations with immediate family. (I implode vs explode but when I do Express myself, it comes across as momma has lost her mind and perhaps I may have )
@@YakMommi Hi, I do what ever feels good. Sometimes I delete it straight away, sometimes I read it over and over for a few days and then delete it. I guess I delete it when it doesn't feel relevant anymore, just because I don't want clatter in my phone. I used to write in a dairy and I enjoyed reading through it sometimes, but at one point just decided to throw them out, so now I use my phone and it's working just a great
Trying to emotionally regulate myself makes me feel like the other person is "winning" and I've "lost", yet again. That's what causes the problem for me. If I let it go, I'm hugely disrespecting myself and they're "getting away with it."
It sounds to me she was saying it isn't about suppressing/letting go of your thoughts and feelings, but learning to pause and cool off to where you can have a calm, beneficial, truthful conversation about it with others.
I don't know if this will help in the slightest, but it's an experience that I had where I felt like I actually won. I'll share it just in case it helps. I was newly dating a guy who completely went off on me with his own emotional disregulation. Normally I am triggered by people acting like that. But this time I chose to take the high road. I just let him say his stuff and vent until he was through. I added no reaction of my own which added no fuel to the fire. And that allowed me to keep calm. But I wasn't doing that submissively. I was doing that in a very calculated way. I was listening to what he said and the way he was saying it in order to learn what kind of person he was. And based on what I saw, I was deciding what I wanted my actions to be. What I saw was that he was not the kind of person who I want to be involved with. I have enough struggle regulating my own emotions. I seek peace in my life because of that. I do not need someone in my life who has anger issues of his own. That is not something that I am equipped (or willing) to deal with. I realized by calmly watching him go off that he was not the right man for me. When he eventually vented himself out I responded. I calmly told him what I had been doing while he vented. And I told him calmly what I had decided. Basically that I didn't need that in my life and that we were done. I didn't feel even slightly like he had won by my having kept calm. I won. I kept quiet while he vented and then I calmly delt the final blow. I have never felt less like a passive victim in my life. I realize that not everyone is in a situation where cutting the other person out of their life is a good choice. But there is probably some action/decision/calculated response that can be found while calmly watching how the other person behaves while they vent. And I feel like it will carry more weight if it is calmly delivered at the end. And that kind of response to being vented on allows us to skip getting all riled up ourself. Yet without giving our power away. I think we actually gain power by dealing with the issue like that. I don't know if that will help anyone at all. Or if that's even good advice. But I felt good about how I handled the situation. So, maybe something similar will help someone who reads this. I hope so.
@@anyascelticcreations hi there, this comment resembles so similar to my own situation and has brought me to tears. If you’d be willing to speak with me more about this I’d love to hear more of your thoughts as I’m really struggling with this at the moment and I have so much respect for your strength. Much love :) x
@@isabelpersson4862 I'm so sorry that you are going through something similar now. I don't know if I'll be able to help, but I can try. Thank you for your kind words, too. I think my strength in this type of situation comes from my complete willingness to walk away. It means that ultimately I hold all the cards. Though, I don't know what I would do if I was in a relationship that I wanted to keep. I guess realistically I hopefully would only want to keep a relationship that didn't have an issue like that. This is part of the reason why I am very determined to become financially stable without the help of any man. And am very resistant to the idea of living with anyone again. I was in dependant situations too many times and for too long. That gave me absolutely no power in any situation at all. Because when it came down to it I couldn't leave. And they knew it. Which meant that they could be as horrible to me as they wanted and there was really nothing I could do about it but complain. And complaints that weren't backed by an ability to leave just made them enjoy being even worse to me. So, I'm not sure how to behave so calmly without an ability and willingness to end a relationship if it is not worth keeping. Though if we brainstorm maybe we can find areas that we do have power short of that. I'm sometimes better able to see situations clearly if it's not about my own life. Maybe I will be able to see something that you can do to find peaceful strength and calm. I'm willing to try. 🫂
This was so helpful, after all this time in my life. I now have a term for it. And you have outlined why my marriage fell apart. I chose an abandoner and was traumatized over and over by him overlooking me and what was important to me. I've never felt as lonely after my divorce as I did in my marriage. Thank you.
I think we unconsciously choose exactly what hurts us - in order to live through it again more consciously, recognize it, work through it and then let go finally ...
I stumbled onto your channel Anna…I’m at the very beginning of healing. I’m 56yrs of age and only just learnt the term of my trauma CPTSD🥹. I grew up with abuse and was groomed by a man 8 years older than me when I was 13yrs of age. During this period I was kicked out of high school for anger (now I know why I was so angry) I swore at the head master who blamed me for a fight other girls started . I never went back to school. And over the years my anger grew and grew. I’ve had major meltdowns and my second marriage is teetering on collapse. I’m always sorry of course. Can’t write everything here but one day I will Anna because you have given me tools that I can start to use. This will be a process and I will need to practice, practice, practice. But you’ve given me hope.💖
I think it's also important to stop trying to communicate with narcissists. Once we have confronted any type of narcissistic behavior and they refuse to own it, it's pointless to pursue a relationship with that person. That's really hard to do if we have trauma bonds, but learning who to walk away from and when to walk away is the first step in breaking trauma bonds and setting healthy boundaries.
Yes but avoiding a narcissist even if they're a family member is best for our mental health. But it seems like they don't want to leave me alone in peace. I don't know when I will finally get away from them permanently.
A couple of weeks ago my neighbour banged on my door and shouted at me for throwing onions in the communal garden. I had been living next door to him for a year with no problems but in June/July the noise started after 10pm. His lounge is next door to my bedroom. As I live in supported living I spoke to staff and three times in total he was spoken to regarding this and I felt he was just sticking two fingers up at me and carrying on. He had also responded about me putting smalls on the line. I started to feel awkward around him and we didn't speak for a while but then he would speak to me again until he kicked off at me. The trouble was I was having a bad morning as I'd had some bad news and when he shouted at me I shouted back called him a narcissist and swore at him too. I felt unwell for the rest of the day. Now I think why did I even answer the door? why didn't I say I can't talk about this now? Thankfully we have managed to stay out of each others way since then.
As a person diagnosed with BPD late in life, emotional disregulation has been an almost daily occurrence. I knew that something must be wrong, but I never knew what the “it” was. It has cost me several important relationships due to the rage followed by guilt and shame cycle. Just learning how to become aware and apply these tools has made an enormous difference!
How do you keep up with life, how do you not give up and keep trying hard every day. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m so tired of failing and messing everything up. I’ve tried so many things. I’m 37 years old and I get overwhelmed so easily. Diet and exercise has changed things for me a little because I have more energy but I still need to push through bigger changes. What has really worked for you?
My ex gf was on this spectrum, it was too much for me, along the way I developed Hyperthyroidism,lost 18 kg in 5 weeks, I had to leave I could not take it anymore!
This information is so extremely helpful!!!! I have damaged many a relationship with emotional disregulation, not knowing what it was or how to handle it. And I am guilty of the text arguments or firing off an email and you are so right about the shame spiral that then ensues.
John Bradshaw helped me start to understand this years ago. His book "family..healing the inner shame" and "reclaiming your inner child" were VERY hard to read...but gave me great understanding. 🙏💝
My life has been ruined by periods of feeling nothing when I should feel something, interspersed with intense inappropriate love or intense murderous anger. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. (You notice, I cannot bring myself to use the word “family”, because there was no family, just a collection of blood relations who sometimes lived in the same house.). You say “don’t say/write when you are angry, calm down first and then deal with it” but I don’t ever calm down, that’s the problem. I will suddenly remember something that happened 50 years ago and still get enraged about it now.
I've done that too but with time I realized that anger was from pain buried. I had to learn to cry to release it. This helped. This and DBT. A therapist has value when you can connect with yourself with another person present. Trying to do it alone left me feeling like I was in a vacuum. Didn't work well.
I’ve felt this way, too. I think it is good to have DBT like the other person said at first. Therapy really helped me put in perspective that my emotions and the situations that triggered them did not line up. Like, tell the situation where you get angry to the therapist (preferably) and, if they are good, they will be able to help you figure out what made you triggered, an appropriate reaction for that situation, and can give an outsider’s perspective. In my situation, I felt numb/sad for years. Therapy helped pull me out of pessimistic thinking, and then I was angry at everything. I learned the source of that anger (for example, I got really angry when people didn’t listen to me because it felt like they thought I was stupid because people in my family would criticize everytime I “messed up” even when I didn’t do anything) and it helped me logic through what I felt and who was really at fault. Did the person/thing that made you angry deserve that reaction? Or, did you just get reminded of when you couldn’t react/when your reactions didn’t matter and it is coming out now? A lot of times, that realization would make me cry because I would mask other emotions with anger with my family. In day to day life, you have more choices than you did as a kid. You can feel more freely because your parent isn’t there to punish you/gaslight/hurt you anymore, and you have more freedom to leave abusive people/choose who you are around. Before I started counseling, I would just rant to friends for hours about what was bothering me and it ended up making me feel way worse. Or, yelling at someone when you are angry will cause you to say things you don’t mean, and hurt them in ways that would be hard to repair. (Well, you might want to hurt them and damage the relationship, but that’s not good to do to someone if you want a better life… that’s a bit along the path). So, have someone to put what you are saying in loving perspective. That will help you learn appropriate/normal/healthy levels of reactions, and also causes for the intense emotions.
@@sherryvan4627 that’s been my question for ages. I’ve been psychoanalyzed, diagnosed, self-worked, etc. etc. to the hilt. I know the ‘why’s’ and ‘what happened’s’ when I feel triggered. I give the appropriate responses…but that doesn’t stop the intense feelings I still feel that plague me so. It’s the ‘then what’ that nobody can seem to get to the bottom of. Medications have been offered. Self-medication has been explored. No true fix here, yet…
I’ve been adopted into such a hell.. I feel so much anger so much pain and so much stress. Some days I just feel numb and pain. I should be in my prime time but I’ve been drained from energy by vampires who I tried to love.
I had no idea that I was emotionally disregulated until I saw this. People have been telling me my reactions are off the charts for many years. I didn’t know what they meant. Thank you for this video. I have a new appreciation for my husband
This is the best video that I’ve ever listened to on dysregulation…I wish I had watched something like this in my 20’s and 30’s but never too late this info is priceless for relationships
YES! 1000% I feel everything all at once. And it's intense. But I don't like to be emotional in front of anyone. Super uncomfortable. So I try to keep that ish reeled in. However, there are 2 people in my life that I'm very comfortable with and will be emotional around. Not on purpose. It just happens. This is SO helpful. Knowing there are other people out there like me. Thank you Anna. As always you're truly casting light on all these issues I've had since I was a wee one.
People need to stop being afraid of their emotions. Am so tired from feeling afraid. Write. Pray for calm. walk if you can. Tie a knot in a piece of string, over and over. Sweep. with a broom. wash your face with a cloth & under your arms with soap or without, if a shower is too much. Brush teeth when you can.
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Deuteronomy 22
New International Version
22 If you see your fellow Israelite’s ox or sheep straying, do not ignore it but be sure to take it back to its owner. 2
it's embarrassing and then after being triggered I later feel shame and guilt and then I "forget" what they did wrong and it's all my fault and that is why we stay in these b.s. relationships cos we think it's all our fault when they behaved badly and didn't care. When we learn to love ourself - we are never alone or unsupported again. We learn to love ourself and reparent ourself and then we can support ourself as we walk ourselves through life with positive kind self-talk 🙂❤⚘We are allowed to be our best friend and cheerleader.
Beautifully put Ms. Jen, thank you for sharing these thoughts. I sure needed to see this. I wish you lots of love and healing ❤️🩹
Thank you for this❣❣
Perfectly stated!!
Well said!
That's beautiful. Thank you
"Trying to solve problems when you're disregulated is kind of like driving drunk."
Good analogy!
Yes, exactly, very well put, need to remember this
What sucks is you get labeled as crazy or a bad person, which reaffirms all these bad beliefs you have about yourself in general.
Free course 'Daily Practice' is a big help with that problem, link in description section.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is true. My partner left me because of my constant emotional disregulation. And I wish he was patient with me cause I’m not crazy
What helps me tremendously is use all those emotions and not associate them with „me“
It‘s not my fault.
Basically shifting the blame effectively. You suffer from blaming yourself.
Look at who raised you, who tried , or who didn’t. Perhaps they failed
Take an honest look
If you see that they actually made huge mistakes while raising you.
You can blame their bad parenting
(Not addressing your parents or caretakers, speaking in general)
This way you can use the blame in a better way, in order to push these people away.
That‘s how I deal with it
You also get labelled as a format if you pretend it doesn't matter that someone has let you down
YES!!! So true!
I’m 6 minutes in and absolutely amazed that I have finally come across someone who explains my emotions without making me feel absolutely insane and neurotic… even after seeing multiple therapists over the years. THANK YOU!
❤ keep your chin up
Big fat DITTO!❤
This!!
Omg, me too! I was thinking “how did this lady get into my head!” 😲
I agree, sometimes all it takes is the right connection and the right point of view.
I’m 70 years old and after years of therapy and self-help programs, today I learned that what I’ve been dealing with my whole life is emotional disregulation.
Wow! Well better late than never. Great video!
Right there with you. Same age and everything! I isolate a lot because I m so afraid of blowing up or else imploding trying to interact. It's exhausting! ❤️
Mmmm... Although I'm sure you always knew that you were not in control or able to control your emotions. It's simply a term to describe what you already knew, which is all a 'diagnosis' is. The difficulty is practising enough to get good at not reacting at the beginnings of overwhelm or panic or extreme anxiety or anger....
@Tomasino Romano I’m your friend, Tomasino. My entire youth was wrong on every level too. It’s painful to even read books because every book seems to evoke a painful memory or memories.
Me too 73
@Tomasino Romano - I totally get it.💕
“Don’t underestimate the damage you can do when trying to solve problems while deregulated. It’s kind of like driving drunk.” Needing to hear that.
Heard it.
You're not suppressing your feelings, you're postponing your feelings until you're more regulated. Contrary to popular beliefs you don't have to talk things out to get regulated ❤️
I agree, don't always need to dissect why, just that it happened and need to get back to steady.
I do need to talk things out, but not in the moment. I don't even need to talk it out with the person, I am just a verbal processor and I need good council to help me self-reflect. However, 19:09 Everything that needs to be said should still be said. We need to be careful not to avoid needed conversations, so we can talk about it when READY and able.
Yeah, before meditation and yoga, I thought talk therapy was the only thing that existed. Hahaha hahaha 😆 It never really helped much...other than me telling me what was wrong and a book my therapist recommended.
Bottom line cannot move forward living in the past!!
Gold🎉
“It’s not your fault you got this way.” I bawled. I needed to hear that. Thank you so much. Just subscribed.
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Ironically that is in and of itself an overreaction 🤔
@@jeproductions3229 Part of the healing process! :) I wish you well.
Same
I've been told I'm bipolar. But the truth is my last ten years of my life changed so much and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm in therapy I'm getting counciling. I'm working on my issues and taking meds. But the best part to handle a lot of my bad memories ptsd caused, was talking about it. Eventually they get easier to bring up and talk about it. The hard part is remembering what words I chose to explain this bc one wrong word and my entire trauma comes back out. There's new things I need to talk through again to replay the record over and over until my brain gets it right that I shouldn't be this emotional. It's all past events; I can't change what happened. In time I hope the tape finishes and it thing doesn't skip anymore
I have cptsd and adhd. The emotional disregulation combined with impulsivity can be a volatile combination. Plus, being neurodivergent, I struggle with social conventions of interactions in the first place. Relationships of all kinds are so hard. You hit the nail on the head with the sense of urgency. I've only recently realized that when triggered I feel like a child in danger, frantically crying out for rescue, safety, comfort, reassurance... what my family should have given me, but didn't. As an adult I am not given these things when I am triggered either. It further reinforces the belief that others do not see me as worthy of care, that I am a priority to no one, that my needs are always a burden to others, that everyone expects me to betray myself for their benefit, that I will always be betrayed or violated under the right circumstances, that everyone chooses me last. Then the loop starts over. I need to protect myself, which I do by lashing out or withdrawing completely.
This comment, I’ve never felt more seen.
Oh wow, JH. This is exactly how I feel so often. This is my hurt, angry eight year old. Then, when I try to stick up for myself, I feel like a kitten in a sac--frantically fighting, but getting absolutely nowhere!
I am a survivor with cptsd and other mental issues associated with my diagnosis. I know where you are coming from. Right now, I am in emotional dysregulation. I feel like the little boy frantically reaching out from the dark place, hoping someone will grab my hand and pull me out. I know what it's like to be discarded or called a burden. Those people are the ones who are going to miss out. We are loyal to the core to people once you have gained our 100% trust. But once you break our sacred trust. We may never trust you again. We have to have people willing to be patient and understanding of our disability.
Thank you for saying this because it sounds like me exactly .
Wow it's a club! Love explosive!! Hugs n kisses kittens 😸 😘 💕 ♥️
I've only recently learned to tell myself, "I'm all up in my feelings right now. I'd better not respond to this until I feel calmer." It's really helping.
That's great! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m going to remember that. In the army we’d say not to get “all spun up” about something.
This first one is the hardest for me
Anyone else if there alone just completely let go
How can you tell when ur in your feelings sometimes I can’t tell :(
“The sense of urgency is a sign you need DOUBLE the time to regulate” this is SO TRUE!! The most helpful thing I’ve done in my life recently is let go of the idea that I’m always right when I feel right. Life teaches you that you can be 100% certain of something and still somehow be wrong.
Ouch. I have emotional disregulation. My mom is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. And each and every time I had a disregulated emotion (from the constant abuse from the entire family) the first thing she would do would be to scream at me to calm down...that I 'didn't have to get so angry' about things. It's a special kind of pain to have an honest reaction devalued by not only your parent, but your siblings. Wow. This meant a lot. Thank you.
That must have been incredibly hard. I'm so glad you're here now, we're all sending you support :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you! @@CrappyChildhoodFairy
I definitely can relate and it hurts
My story exactly. My mother holds huge grudges while telling me to “get over it”.
Omg! You are my emotional twin! Lol
I have been living with this for 15 years. My grandmother bless her soul, did what she knew. She was verbally, emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive. I was terrorized as a lot of us African/ Caribbean kids were. We were told to shut up, we were scolded when making normal mistakes kids make, we never heard I’m proud of you, I love you. I’m so messed up, reactive, impulsive in my adult life. I’m always in fight mode, I’m exhausted, it’s exhausting.
I didn’t have this experience but reading about yours just made me want to reach out and say I’m really sorry. That sounds terribly hard. Please take incredibly good care of yourself. You deserve it.
I had the same experience with my nan. She used to treat my sister better than me. She would gang up with my mother and they'd both hit me.
But it makes sense why my mother, my aunt and my uncles are the way they are.
The best we can do is break the cycle.
@@2CheekyRabbits thank you for the kind words, trying to unlearn all these toxic behaviours is hard but im trying❤️
@@HillbillyYEEHAA we will be the ones to break the toxic cycle, love you 🙌🏾❤️
Oh my God I can so relate!
My dad took off on us, at 6 yrs old. (the whole entire family )
We grew up, poor & so of stress and my mother was very toxic. It was either screaming and yelling or ignoring nothing else. I never did anything school wise after curricular activities and I’m athletic too. She never took an interest to anything I did in life ever and it’s tough having a relationship with her now …she’s miserable in her marriage and she lashes out and I’m not even allowed to have a stepfather the guy she’s been with for the past 30 years. He literally can’t even call me on the phone. She she has completely blocked that relationship from me. She’s actually told me that I’m not deserving of a father. I’m 52 years old and I’ve decided now I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want her in my life because when people meet her they like her because she jokes and you know when you’re talking about nothing or the animals everything’s great, but she doesn’t go deep and then of course when I break up with the boyfriend as inevitably when that comes, she wants to stay friends with them yet I can’t even talk to my stepdad.
I have brought up little bit to her like how she’s always cutting me down and she flips out and tells me I need a shrink (when she’s never had any help herself yet she tells us she has and she’s actually refused it with my stepfather they had one appointment with someone and she walked out of there, bitching about how wrong the therapist was, and never went again. She hates men and she’s tried to push that on me my whole life
But what I’ve decided is this course really resonates and I don’t want her in my life and I’m going to speak up we’ve gotten many fights over the years but I’m planning to move to Florida and when I do, I’m going to let her know how terrible it’s been what she’s done And I know she’s going to lash out. She won’t able to handle it because she lives on one-way street and NEVER looks at herself or if she does have a moment it never lasts
But it’s played a big role in me self sabotaging my intimate relationships because I’m dealing with this crap from my childhood you know it just comes out. I get so insecure and jealous and everything and I never feel like I’m good enough. Just thought I’d share because it’s tough and I think besides what she has. I think it’s good to be able to help others and get out of ourselves as well as much as possible. ❤
“Solving problems dysregulated is like driving drunk” . 💯 !!!
Writing is more helpful than talking. This is the most important thing Anna has ever told us. She & others are right. If you were silenced when young & being abused or neglected, it is hard to talk. Writing gives you something to concentrate on whilst you write to yourself to allow yourself to have your feelings out.
Totally agree. I also believe writing can allow you to express yourself without fearing judgement or the need to censor yourself 💛
@@Construction_Girl Exactly.
I feel like there’s a certain way to do it though. I don’t know how to do it though. Do you write down what your fears are, and your resentments are along with the fears or something? I feel like I could do it though, even though I’m blind, I still could do it.
@@siennaprice1351 There is no right or wrong way to express your feelings in writing. Just start writing. You could write something like: this feels stupid writing out how I feel, and take it from there. The important thing is that your feelings are being safely expressed (getting your thoughts and feelings out), and only you know how you feel. Hope this helps. 😊
@@phabulouss1 ok. Thanks so much.
When I was 16 I started writing letters to the people who had hurt me, and never gave them the letters. It was a very secret behaviour that I felt embarrassed by. I'm now so proud of young me for finding a way to self regulate. I'm 43 now and last year while moving house I found this little nostalgic shoe box of unsent letters ❤
This reminds me of me when I would write letters to my mom as an attempt to communicate everything I couldn’t at the time, except I would give them to her only for her to eventually refuse to accept them or even read them. Big hug to you and me 💕
@@lanalana-lf5nj the first of my letters were to my mother, though I was never brave enough to give them to her. Hugs to you from Australia 🤍
I love this. I'd like to read them for a new stream I'm working on if you're interested?
This is a common problem of Trauma victims: anger outbreaking suddenly. I appreciate it if you say more on this topic.
Yeah for years I have suffered from sudden outbursts of rage stemming from the abuse and trauma from my childhood
@@angelaholmes8888 Thank you for writing this. it helps me know my Dad was trauma affected.
@@skywatcher7272 no, not just you. all addictions, obsessions, excessive feelings - so many had so much to deal with - often in secret.
My daughter does this it does drive a wedge between us. Im watching these videos as to understanding of the cpstd issues and her and to recognise respond and cope with it her and myself.
I never even really made this connection. I used to have these horrible outbursts when I got upset or frustrated, I would end up either screaming at the top of my lungs because it felt like these emotions were fighting to get out. Or I'd end up throwing things. Luckily I've managed to calm it down and I don't throw shit anymore but I do still feel uncontrollable rage at times and I never thought it might be my CPTSD.
I call it the "Ocean of Emotion" as I've always felt it like a tsunami and I become lost in the sea
Sometimes getting lost is your mind's way of keeping you alive. Some things are too much. Just too much.
Beautiful analogy. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Oh honey baby darling sweetheart it's OK. May God bless you and keep you and yours.
Absolutely relate! I get lost in that too whenever i feel too much pressure or shame of any kind. I get swallowed up easily and fall to the bottom really fast.
I painted a whole series of different waves last year to try and deal with the overwhelm that I was dealing with at the time..
I concur, I call it my tsunami of pain and anxiety.
1. Notice and say "I'm having an emotional reaction."
-flooding with emotion, adrenaline, panic, starting to cry
2. Imagine a belly button knob of 1-11 of emotion. Dial it down from 8 to 2.
3. Slow down the interaction
-take big pauses, take your time to speak
3.2. Tell the person you need to take a break, but this conversation is important to you.
3.3. If you're angry, *don't write*. Take an hour-- (or two, if it feels urgent). Come back after you've used your introspective writing or physical activity tools.
4. "Emergency writing" to put emotions or fears on paper.
5. Hard exercise or Physical grounding techniques
-run up and down stairs, brisk walking, wash your hands, splash your face with cold water, shower, etc.
6. Talk it out with a third party only if it's not adding to the dysregulation. Otherwise, return to the writing.
7. I would add that, if you're having an interpersonal conflict, you need to separate the emotional reaction from setting boundaries. For c-PTSD survivors, conflict feels unsafe, so we think we need to lash out immediately in order to protect ourselves. Reach emotional regulation (it's okay if it takes a couple days, at first). Then, decide what boundary was crossed and what it should be (in order to protect yourself). Then, plan what you're going to say (which may also take a few days, at first). And then, have the boundaries conversation so you can see whether this person will respect your boundaries or not. If they don't, that's a big red flag to distance yourself. If they do, or want to negotiate the boundaries, you know they're willing to work with you. Take responsibility and acknowledge anything that you also need to work on (apologize, if necessary), which will show that you want to work on things together. (But don't take responsibility for their actions, reactions, emotions or thoughts. If they're an adult, they can handle themselves.)
what's a belly button knob?
@@goldenchipmunk She says to imagine a dial at the center of your body, like a volume button that you can turn up or down. Instead of turning down the volume, imagine turning down your emotions (until you find time to deal with it)
@Judy Mwanzo She means don't write a text or email in anger. That's an easy way to make mistakes and damage relationships. Take some time to calm down, first, so you can think straight. Then, write your email or text or talk with the person. But if you're talking about writing in a journal, that might be a good way to help process the situation.
Im stuck at 3:2. My neighbor is a bully and breaks aren't allowed.
7 is big for me. I lash out repeatedly and disrespect OTHER peoples boundaries because I have none of my own. I’m working on both sides of this. I want to respect people who deserve my respect and not my lashing out.
The comments sections in these videos are always so eye opening to the fact that I am not alone. They are their own form of therapy. ❤ thanks everyone
Yes!!
Truee
I was diagnosed with CPTSD and had zero therapy. I have lived in a dark bubble for years now. Gave up all my friendships because I couldn't control my emotions, I got tired of "accidentally" hurting others when I was in an episode.
You get it! I am so using the tools you gave in this video..I'm so relieved someone gets it. I'm very self aware, but have very few coping skills.
I had all the coping skills in the world, then started to go blind and lost them all.
Finding new ones was hard. Took years. Now I’ve seemed to have lost them all over again by caring for a kid.. is it a lack of time? space? predictability? who knows, it I’m on a recovery path yet again ~
My point is, don’t give up. Its worth it, finding your coping skills
@@talitherose You've been dealt some very tough breaks, and you take the time to care for others and to encourage others. I'd say you're an exceptional human being.
@@tomsdottir this is the kind of support we all need. Thank you❤
Yes I get it …. Same here! 😫
Same here I too have CPTSD and am vegan hyper aware with ADHD and when old coping methods don’t work, new ones seem to help. I’m in the process of rewiring my neural pathways and Tony Robbins book Awaken the Sleeping Giant within is an excellent book to learn about it. The science behind our neurons firing off old pathways of bad behaviors can be closed by creating new ones❤
I feel it’s important to remember though that our behaviour - emotional dysregulation, doesn’t excuse others. Like the example given of the husband being late, if this is a common behaviour and he’s always doing things like this then that needs addressing too. I had this issue and when I admitted I had a problem over reacting he took it as me accepting full fault and he took zero responsibility for his part. It was like I had given him golden ticket to no longer accept responsibility for any of his bad behaviour.
I agree. The problem is is when the other person doesn’t want to admit to their issues or put them back on you or even worse use their emotional outburst to the end of the conversation so that this can’t be resolved in a simple way or start blaming you and show you how it was your fault that they were late.
In a normal relationship talking about habitual wrongs should be easy, but in dysfunctional relationships, it turns into a whole different argument.
You were dealing with a narcissist. If that's the case they will use anything to justify themselves and blame you. Those types are never ever safe
One thing I learned in therapy is to think of something someone is or isn't doing and ask myself "would this piss me off even if I was not having an episode?" If indeed it would, I no longer allow my partner and children to blame their bad behavior on "my overreacting". I try not to anyway...
Right!
I have noticed that in few relationships also. I noticed that if I’ve overreacted or done anything that I think hurt their feelings, I will apologize and I have no problems with that. However, I noticed most people don’t apologize for their part but are happy to accept my apology. I find some people don’t want to take any responsibility for any part they may have played in something that does create a strong reaction. I started backing off people who never feel like they do anything or take any responsibility. There are people who will not own their part in anything. It’s almost seen as a weakness by some people when you apologize because then they can remain in their power because they don’t want to humble themselves.
I am a 58 year old retired nurse (due to disability) and I have alienated so many co-workers and friends because I used to have emotional outbursts and arguments with them at work. I am now disabled and use that as an excuse to isolate myself at home. I’m single and have no friends because I don’t trust myself anymore.
Almost every time I have a stressful doctor visit, etc; I find myself tearing up trying to explain why I’m there. I have learned so much and have started to learn that I can regulate my emotions. I hope maybe someday to have friends and be able to have somewhat normal rest of my life…
Words cannot express how glad I am that I’ve found your channel!!
I'm so glad too! Your symptoms are SO normal for someone who has been traumatized. If you can let that in -- just know it's not your fault you struggle like this, a huge weight can be lifted. All that energy that was going toward shame can be used to notice and heal the triggers that set off the dysregulation -- and then the trauma-driven behaviors. You are definitely in the right place!
I've done this also. But am married and a grandma.61
Oh I wish I could be your friend. I'm 59 & your situation is so similar !!!!
You deserve to be happy! It can and will happen! Get yourself out there meeting peolel! Be real with people you trust! The right ones stay!
❤❤
SO much more helpful than 'feel your feelings', which unintentionally gives permission to overreact and explode allover people and turns someone into an hysteric who loses friendships and the respect of others.
My father gave me some great advice for this type of situation. Get up and go to the bathroom. When you say you gotta go to the bathroom it buys you time and if the urgency shows right in your face no one will stop you 😭
Lol
That's awesome, I'm gonna use it.
The crying is the hardest for me. I don't have outbursts. I don't say things I don't mean. I've learned not to react to the emotions from a behavioral perspective. In the moment, I can cognitively recognize that this is a disproportionate reaction in my body. But....the crying! I can't stop it. Any strong emotion will make me cry.
Me too, I just cry 😢 so embarrassing
Same
Ugh. I cry when I’m mad too and can’t control it. I don’t say anything, just cry. I’m not sad or scared. I guess I’d rather cry than get physically violent.
Me too
Me too! I don't even say anything but then my crying gets misinterpreted as an attention-seeking behavior, manipulation tactic, or tantrum. (Might be related to my autism, though)
I was diagnosed with bpd (borderline personality disorder) so my emotions are always intense. I turned to alcohol to cope and basically screwed my life up. I'm sober now and have been dealing with my trauma for a while. Never thought I'd feel happiness, or like/love myself, but I do 😘
Glad you're finding happiness and love for yourself. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I never thought happiness was possible. This makes me want to cry
@@salma_Nella22 it is absolutely possible! Xx
@@mariemiles7287 how long have you been happy?
@@salma_Nella22 started feeling real happiness in therapy which I had in 2013. I had just done 18 weeks in rehab for alcoholism, I'd relapsed and needed help. The counsellor was a lovely lady. Told her some shocking stories , but she made me feel safe. Saw her for just under 2 yrs as she had to leave. I also did cbt group therapy everyday except Sunday and went to an alcohol recovery support group a few times a week. I had no one so I really needed them I have got my family back in my life now though. Its real happiness I feel now, not all the time of course, but it's not that fake happiness you feel when drunk. X
Emotional deregulation is sooo like a trance-like state, you hit the nail on the head. It's so difficult to snap myself out of it early enough.
In my college days, I was so unaware of my unreasonable reactions that I’d lose friends and never know why. Still no memories of those scenes. Crazy what the mind will do to protect and reject real or imagined threats.
Same
Before I was "conscious" 3 years ago I had learned all my life to surpress all my feelings as the consequences of showing any emotion, however fleeting, was dire. When I learned about what had actually happened and that I was traumatized and had cPTSD the opposite happened and I felt the emotions so intensely, often times I could barely function or even think. The difference now is that I have learned to be very gentle with myself, acknowleging that I'm disregulated and there is a reason for that and I just stop what I'm doing and take a few moments to breathe and calm myself down. If I'm alone I will talk to myself out loud as a supportive parent would do with a child who feels confused and bewildered. It takes practice to remember to do this but I try to act quickly and calmly and it usually works
Absolutely, this.
At the beginning of my own process of “re-discovery” my past and the abuses, I dreamed of my 3yo self. She was glowing and so cute. She ran into my arms and I cannot explain how deep was my surprise in realizing how precious she was. I felt love for the first time, and it was almost unbereable.
So the memory of her helped me tremendously when I finally was able to afford EMDR therapy, and today I still “pick her up in my arms” and soothe her everytime I am able to notice my own signs of distress (still not easy, but getting there).
I love this! Thank you so much for sharing. Definitely going to try the supportive parent self talk.
That's what they mean I think when they talk about reparenting yourself. I'm working on this myself and it def is helpful! Because if I imagine me being one of my kids i approach things way different!
@@carlottak4496 Ohhh...I wish I could do this with my 3 year old self...I think the age of 3 is when our parents realize we're not what they wanted us to be and that's where the trauma might have begun.
@@YumegakaMurakumo I wish the best to every version of yourself pal
Notes:
1. Acknowledge your emotional reaction ( I'm having an emotional reaction)
2. Slow down the interaction: consider your words, take your time to say things, knob visualization, restraint of texting; sense of urgency= double time needed for re-regulation. Pause for 30 min, an hour or tomorrow.
3. Emergency writing
4. Exercise
5. Practice being in your body/mindfulness
6. Vent to someone neutral
@@frankuvlkan do you know I can see your comment history? You literally copy pasted this comment to 35 different women. Either you are a scammer who's trying to make money off of vulnerable people or you are a h*rny old goat. Either way shame on you. If you are retired, get a hobby instead of trying to hit on women one third your age.
Thank you! ✨
Thank you. Took a screen shot
Thank you I've also taken a screenshot ❤
Thank you 😂 I she kept losing me 🤦♀️ screenshot and saving it to my screen ❤
“Emotional dysregulation is like a wrecking ball” omg I can't even explain how much this rings true for me.
This really is the first time someone has addressed my emotional disregulation. 😢 I once dated a guy who told me that I had 'mental issues' while we were having an argument. He never tried to understand or showed empathy. Those words offended me so much because I knew he was using my personal struggles against me. But this here explains so much of my personal issues.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Video Summary :
- Emotional dysregulation isn't always about not feeling what you're supposed to feel; it's often feeling too much.
- Emotional dysregulation can lead to extreme emotional outbursts or emotional flatness, both of which can create new traumas.
- Emotional dysregulation can lead to intense reactions, fueled by past traumas, and affect relationships negatively.
- Managing emotional reactions involves noticing, slowing down interactions, and using techniques like visualizing a 'belly knob' to regulate emotions.
- Avoid sending messages or having conversations when emotionally overwhelmed; instead, postpone discussions to regain composure.
- Use paper as a therapeutic tool to express and relieve overwhelming emotions before engaging in important communication, allowing for a healthier dialogue.
- Develop self-awareness and the ability to recognize emotional dysregulation as a trance-like state, allowing you to gently pull back and regain control before engaging in conversations.
- Practice patience and wait until you're emotionally regulated before engaging in important conversations, allowing you to express yourself with clarity, fairness, and love.
Thank you
Thank you ❤
Thank you!🌟
❤ thank you❤
Thank you sweetness 🙏💞
For anyone watching this who cries when they’re frustrated/upset in any setting…I just wanna say, the turning the knob on your belly concept really works. I put it into practice. You will still get teary eyed(even maybe one tear will shed)/sniffly but somehow you’re able to keep the tears from flowing out intensely. I think you should still cry in your alone time though. Don’t hold the tears in. Just saying it works for public settings/situations
I get upset over real logical reasons. But I do get too angry and end up being the bad guy. It's absolutely shame and trauma.
Yesss and it kept in denial longer about being in an abusive toxic relationship with a narcissist. I felt and looked like the raging toxic unstable lunatic he wanted me to be. Now Im here trying to regulate so I can stop feeding his miserable life.
Damn that’s crazy 10 years of therapy and I have never been told about emotional disregulation
As a therapist myself, I can't emphasize enough the importance of emotion regulation. I believe that may be the most important skill a human being can possess - acknowledging your feelings, being in touch with your feelings, and being able to appropriately control one's emotions. Much harm can come from lack of emotion regulation and our prisons are full of people who allowed their emotions to control them. One of the first things I do when I begin working with a client is assessing their level of emotion regulation - this is high priority. Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance are frequently the starting points when I begin working with a client. Some clients come into therapy with a good degree of emotion regulation and that's great, however many do not and need emotion regulation to be the focus of treatment, at least initially.
Therapy is useless
@@NN-fz4pdagree
Personally I Believe therapy is a Waste of time & money. I have learned better to personally do the research yourself! The world via the internet is Loaded with information today
Same. This is new and so freeing because this, this is what I’ve struggled with and had no idea.
Oh my gosh!!!! You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘it stems from not being heard as a child.’ My mother was an absolute monster when I was small and I tried to tell my dad (who knew but hid in a cloud of weed)and my extended family members (who were scared of her themselves). No one listened, no one did a thing to help. So now as an adult I stand up for everyone who I feel is suffering in silence or who isn’t being taken care of. I also stand up for myself now. When this ‘protector’ mode is triggered my ‘plane takes off’ and it’s REALLY hard to come back down.
Lack of sleep, the 2-3 days before my cycle begins, and stuffing stress for too long are the worst things for me.
I know I’m fixing to go off when I feel a tight pressure in my head and I get weepy. Those are alarm bells when I need to walk away for a good while. I now save my vacation days for those times. It’s a rough way to live though.
You're not alone
@@GayleCreates Thank you. I’m sorry you suffered/suffer as well :(
@@virsapiensfortisest922 my body just wants to collapse some days from trying to hold it together. Other times it doesn't want to comply with what's good for me. Like staying in uncomfortable situations when i need to walk out. I don't know when I'm being too hard on myself or when I genuinely need to tell myself that this isn't the way to react or respond to this situation.
When I'm stressed out, It takes me days, months and in the past years to recover.
It makes me sad that it's a pattern I still have till today. It shows up as me being tired, lethargic, obsessing over what's not in my control and a racing heart/headaches. I wish I could flip a switch to make me not care.
@@GayleCreates Every single thing you described is so relatable!!! I struggle in the exact same ways and with the same thought patterns. I know it sounds weird to say this, but I think there is some comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones out there going through this.
I too have wished I could switch a flip and just not care, but I’m reminded that the fact that we DO care is what makes us special. It’s our gift and our curse at the same time. Its sure hard though :(
@@virsapiensfortisest922 I think its important to surround yourself with people that love you for you, and not what you do for them. It also important to do one thing for yourself in the day( be it ordering food from outside, listen to your favorite music, calling a friend, reading some jokes) and lastly the third would be to ask yourself, if you had one thing to achieve in your life at this moment, what would it be? Write it down and do one thing to chase that dream.
I believe a combination of all of these 3 things makes the process of life a little easier.
What I can say is, don't give up! Your thoughts arnt you and we got this!!!
This is the first video on trauma I was able to watch without being severely triggered. Thank you for the calm and empathic tone. ❤
This is the problem I'm having too. I'm listening to Anna & Patrick Teahan but it's triggering me & I can't stop the tears :(
Omg tone is so important. It changes everything
YES! I never got it how "just talk about your feelings" works for other people, for me it only makes it all worse, it's nice you talk about this too. Also, in my experience, writing *that* email, text, letter, does help, just don't actually send it.
At one point I worked for a very rude boss who went on a spiritual retreat every month that taught him to let out his feelings. He sure did. He was a rage-a-holic.
yes, true so true.i always wanted to talk but it does not work.
Yup. I don't talk about my feelings much unless it's with safe people. The cut is deep, when it comes to people being careless with my emotional intimacy. I talk to my feelings, not about them.
@@Iquey This overload of feelings is me. It's always triggered by someone or over stimulation. It's getting worse the older I get and because people in my life are definitely getting more abusive, the world as a whole is more abusive. They tend to turn everything around onto me. They will say something I feel is uncalled for or inappropriate and when I actually speak up about or if I'm upset about it then I'm told "it's a joke," "drama queen," or that I should care about their feelings.
I have written an encyclopedia of things never said or sent because I NEVER wanted to lower myself to HIS STANDARD.
«Talking is sometimes the gateway drug to more dysregulation.»
Oh yeah!! I end up vibrating in anxiously after. I feel stupid for talking more then necessary.
This 💯 we need to vent but it actually causes more trama cause ppl don't GET IT
I didn't ever realize my emotions were so messed up until this video. I thought it was just me as a person. I have learned to hate myself after 34 years of these irregular and mostly inappropriate outbursts. It's good to know it isn't my fault...and also that I can change it. Thank you
I get it... and I have finally learned to mostly love and accept those aspects or behaviors that used to bring me into shame.
I always feel so ASHAMED after I get emotional. Everything feels so real. I hate feeling so intensely. I find if I start thinking I'm am safe, my body is safe I can help get an emotional grip. That my body is not reacting correctly and amping me up.
I could have written the same exact thing!! I hate being like that too! I try to think about something else to help me regulate when it's happening, but it's like when the river flows it's too late 🤦♀️
Thanks 😊 I will try this
i have the same issue.
What works best for me is to closer my mouth and not say anything until i am calm. If I have to speak at all, I am noncommittal and say as little as possible.
This gives me time to regulate and find the best response.
I hope this helps.
Me too!
Freesara, that's me also.. I'm feeling so ashamed 😢😢😢
Back in the days when people commonly wrote to themselves in a diary, or just a notebook, on paper, for themselves, they were able to deal with the strong feelings of the situations in their lives ... Many of us need to attend to ourselves in this way as whether we have people or not, we need to explain & explode in a safe way, on the page, in order to maintain calm with others. Texting others is fine. But when you're really upset, text to yourself first. Then send a calmer text to another later, if you still want to. We often crave understanding from others. The great thing is we can give that understanding we need to ourselves, through writing.
Unless you have a toxic family... mine found my journals where I would word vomit and express my strong emotions (both positive and negative) and they weaponized my vulnerability against me. And even got others outside my family to put me through narcissistic abuse...
@@thecommunity1102 : Ok, then you can write, rip, bin. or store it elsewhere. Most of us here had our privacy invaded in this and in many other ways. Write it & chuck it if you have to.
@@kimlec3592 I agree
@@thecommunity1102 I remember regretting everything I wrote for about a decade. I sure hope this passes easily for you towards your best health and activity.
@@kimlec3592 What do I do if I like to burn old papers and reminders? We have a screened burn pile that saves having to keep replacing shredders.
I think you are the only person that has ever mentioned shame around dysregulation. I'm a psych student now, too. I haven't heard it there yet. I know this well. It lasts for a long time. It attacks your mind and tells you you're a broken, terrible, annoying, frustrating person to be around. I like the guidance here. I wish I knew more about this earlier. Maybe some relationships would have worked if I had this under control (or knew about it then). Thanks for all of this support. I think it'll make me a better therapist one day too.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I was raised and emotionally abused by a narcissist father. My older sister was a narcissist too. I’m 55 yrs old and I still can’t be in the same room with a narcissist; they trigger an explosion of white hot anger in me. Currently doing EMDR and it has helped tremendously thus far!
I’m going to be having EMDR next month
Have you heard of the group ACOA? They are wonderful and supportive for people who was raised by narcissist
I’ve been thinking about trying that too… thank you for sharing that it’s helpful
Great comment, I'm going to start EMDR next week. Glad to hear you're receiving help from it.
Where are you doing EDMR?
Her description is so on target. She is here because God knows she can help people like me. She is an angel. Emotional Dysregulation is a problem that I've had for years and now I can start control it.
I just love how she smiles and is so genuinely, lovingly, here to help with all this wonderful information. A ray of sunshine, she is! ❤
“Have you done that?….I’ve done it.“
Knowing that the person trying to help knows because she’s been through it made me drop my defenses. Thank you so much. May God bless you.
I love her voice and delivery. It makes big things easier to talk about because she makes it seem so simple and coversational.
I wish I could find a group (local-in person) to watch her videos and discuss them. I get so much out of them and feel like discussing them (like a book study) would help me really absorb and put the techniques into practice. I’m terrible at regulating and organizing my time-that’s why I say “in person.” If I have an in person commitment I keep it. I guess I also feel others in my life would respect it and not see it as something I can be flexible on. I retired, and I don’t feel I respect my time, so of course others don’t either.
This channel has been better than any therapy session I have ever had
i truly believe Anna is saving lives by sharing videos.
Yes she is she's helped me so much 💯🙂👍
Perhaps mine.
I never knew the outburst with the flat emotionless end result was a thing other people experienced. I have been searching for help in this crazy cycle. You hit my situation spot on and I'm so thankful for this help.
So glad to hear this, and I suggest trying this free course to go further bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve never heard anyone describe my emotional ups and down so spot on. Strong overly-emotional reaction to a situation, then shame and shutting down, which just makes me feel worse and worse, and probably makes the cycle happen more frequently.
This is me as well. After an outburst I feel hollow inside. I know I need to control my rage, so I continue to work towards that.
00:02 Emotional dysregulation can be more damaging than being out of touch with your feelings.
02:08 Emotional dysregulation can lead to harmful behaviors and create new traumas.
04:00 Emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, causing conflicts and relationship issues.
05:56 Understanding emotional dysregulation helps in managing and expressing emotions effectively.
07:48 Slowing things down reduces overwhelm and helps regain perspective.
09:46 Take time to emotionally regulate before expressing yourself when you're angry.
11:40 Writing down your emotions can help in healing emotional dysregulation.
13:38 To improve productivity, express overwhelming emotions on paper or through physical activity.
15:36 Emotional dysregulation can be overcome by developing self-awareness and using tools.
17:21 Avoid discussing your trauma in detail when you are already upset.
19:06 Waiting to express emotions until you're regulated helps with emotional and brain regulation.
20:47 Talk about feelings at the right time and place
thnx a lot
I believe more people suffer from childhood issues more then thought of by these professionals. My family dysfunctions goes back generations from what I have heard, seen and experienced. Not one doctor, therapist ever brought this up to suggest how to address it and treat it. Just misdiagnosed and medicated me with every drug they could think of to go on to the next patient. Thank you so much for your videos and finally making me grasp onto what my issues really originated and how I can work on getting better.
Agreed. As far back as my grandmother could tell me severe severe trauma has happened to all the women in my lineage. Now that I think back to this conversation with her it has occurred to me that it has to stop with me. It didn’t with my mother at all. It almost didn’t with me. But somehow the love for my children coming into my life woke me up to all of these cycles that need to be broken.
Yes it usually is generational, like depression too. Everyone likes to hide these little facts but it talks about generational curses in the Bible. The women on my mothers side are monsters to their daughters but just go head over heals to the grand daughters. My mother wouldn’t leave me alone until I was in my fifties and she was relentless and a force to be reckoned with. Nice one minute and toxic the next. Hang up the phone that’s okay she’d call you until you picked up.
I have finally felt some peace at 62 and able to talk to her occasionally with love which is miraculous. I’ve forgiven many but I have seen I am no easy picnic like I thought I was. I can admit I’m wrong. But the shame, anger, crying chaos, wanting to die were relentless for years. Counseling confuses me just tell me what it is you want me to know. Be direct. Telling your horrible story over and over again. Being an Air Force brat and moving so much that is why I thought I didn’t have friends. Nope it’s me.
I am thankful for someone who understands and explains in concise ways what happened, what is happening, how you react, how you slow it down (what I might have hope?!) how to think, take your time, and so forth!!!
I want to know what are other counselors getting paid for?????
They didn’t help.
Glad I stopped going. It was like hitting my head on a wall.
God bless everyone and don’t ever give up on yourself you deserve a better future and new day. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It's funny (in a 'not funny way'), I read your kind of comment all the time on 'on line' mental health vids, i.e. how you've had e.g. years and years of therapy with different therapists and all they did was e.g. 'listen, nod, validate how hard it must be for you, asking you 'how you feel about it' or just drug you; instead of e.g. offering you strategies for emo regulation, or how to deal with ruminating thoughts, or distress tolerance, or how to interact with, or assert yourself around others, or how to face and overcome phobias or situations that trigger extreme distress, or how to process stuck difficult memories (whether they be 'conscious memories' or more like memories lodged in your body as e.g. extreme anxiety, or nausea, or muscle pain etc) so they aren't affecting your everyday life 'now'; or how to build a strong sense of personal meaning, direction o self worth, confidence, etc - how to fully embody a new posture or a way of grounding and composing yourself so you can better challenge the hold of difficult problems, thoughts, feelings, urges or situations that bring/keep you down etc. It really makes me wonder if different parts of the world offer utterly different services (?).
I'm a counsellor, and like my all my peers, we work 'directly' with everything I just mentioned, with they very same kind of stuff they talk about on vids like these, but with the added advantage of 'tailoring it to you' as my client (not just to a general audience), and being able to converse with you (a vid is only ever one way), so it's done at your pace, or in a way that best resonates with where you are at a(And we don't muck around either - We 'get to it').
So it just beggars belief that you (and others) have had to endure years and years of bad counselling only to discover this stuff 'now' in a 10 minute introductory video; stuff that in my mind, IS precisely 'bang on' what counsellors do! Exploring and applying this stuff IS our bread an butter. Sorry for the rant, but it really is just so shocking and utterly surprising to me! Terrible.
@@brigwood7658 Not everyone is good at their job.
"Adverse Childhood Experiences"
When I get emotionally dysregulated I have to remember that when anger takes over, reason takes off.
That's right!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I wish this were taught and retaught in school curriculum. I was stunned to take PSY 101 in my 30’s with what I learned. People need this information much earlier - getting to be too fractured a society, kids need the tools now to deal with all the traumatized adults who have no tools themselves. Humans are dying for no reason because they can’t do this.
Yes! I was floored in high school psychology class when they showed the monkey experiment and compared to babies in orphanages. When infants and children are deprived of affection. They ROCK themselves. Self soothing.
@@sharonthompson672 Yes Psych 101 it was horrible to see what happens when you are completely ignored so young. Humans need unconditional love as infants & children. So do animals. We are all sentient beings.
I lost my wife of 47 years in August 2023. The loss has caused several mental and physical problems since.I have been watching your channel and much of what you are talking about is so true on many levels. We were very close and several times during our military and my law enforcement days and injuries, my wife actually saved my life!
We're so sorry for your loss. Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
You. Have. Saved. My. Life. I sit here benefitting from so, so many of your videos. You take the shame out of being neglected and never cared about.
Happy to hear that you've benefited. Sending you encouragement. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This is so helpful. Not only do I have complex trauma, but I was also a highly sensitive child. I am 47 and the tumbling out of emotions has affected me my entire life. I feel more confident, or at least hopeful, I can regulate just by watching this one video. Having even a sliver of hope is empowering, because I never thought it possible to be in control of my affect. Thank you.
Glad the content was helpful to you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm the same age and have had the same with emotions. Sending hugs x
I am nearly 47, and today I thought, I don't want to battle this today.". My story is similar to yours. It is amazing how a sliver of hope can stand up against a lifetime of fear.
I have CPTSD and currently going through a heart break..... Apt timing of the video..... Thank you so much ❤️
Same 💜
Same. biggest heartbreak of my life thus far.
Hey I wish you luck in your healing! :)
@@baylee8659 so sweet of you.... May you find all the love and happiness
I'm a bit more than half way through and realize how damaged and damaging I am. It's so challenging to be always there for myself.
My daily routine: writing down my emotions + breathing exercises literally changed my life. I no longer get dysregulated as much or not at all. Thank to Anna and her course my life is a peaceful place🙏🤗 I still go through a lot of emotions but I mange them so they are not too intense 😊
What wonderful growth! Happy to hear Anna's teaching have helped you so much. We're rooting for you as you continue to heal! - Ashley, Team Fairy
It’s important that your partner is able to validate, understand and take responsibility for how their actions made you feel. If they feel that you’re always overreacting and you don’t, it’s probably not a good match. If you know without anyone telling you that you overreacted, that’s different.
My partner is amazing at this and has helped me heal so much!!
Yes BUT the biggest problem is people who say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way/I'm sorry you're so emotional but that's not my fault" which is not an apology, it's shifting blame for feeling emotions (like hurt). IMHO those people are not good partners... To anyone, but especially someone who has suffered trauma! If a person in your life, whether they be parent partner or friend, doesn't feel genuinely sorry for the very fact that they hurt you (call me crazy but I don't want to hurt anyone) then they aren't worth having in your life... They will hurt you again. This is why so many with trauma stay in abusive relationships!
Man this is happening, i tried to say and was called sensitive, attention calling and insecure xD and now i got to my limit and we don't speak in 5 days
Yes! I saw a video on covert narcissists and they behave like this! Pouty, passive-agressive. "You're overreacting! You're too sensitive! I just won't say anything!" Then, yes: silent treatment.
Still figuring out the difference between that (covert narcissist) and a badly brought up man-child 😆
@Sharon Thompson Me too. Still figuring that one out!
I remember feeling like a bobbing cork on a vast dark sea... I feel better now that I'm not in my 20s but in my 50s with all the info available about complex trauma and chronic csa
Absolutely on point about dysregulation it's a beast in itself!! Learning and practicing on how to rebuild your inner confidence, when we are faced with our PTSD triggers is something that takes a lot of commitment and slips and falls along our journey it will occur it's part of the challenges and it's a hard hill to climb! At first I couldn't find a way to fix this terrible feeling of dysregulation I seen it as a bad thing that was best friends with my PTSD. So I just ended up over and over again just I kept falling into a cycle because I didn't know how to fix this, I knew that I had to at least try to calm this terrible storm down so I started using the tools that I had been neglecting to use because my dysregulation was a total mess! Everything goin through my head I'm doomed. And I'll never be able to create realistic thoughts again I had already convinced myself that I was lost with no ability to help myself.
I was talking to my dear friend who was in the military with me and had the same dysregulation issues I had. And at the time I was not doing very well and he asked me are you using your tools! And I immediately told him no because we're great friends and he then said why? and I said I don't know? He said yes you do know, You know why that you're not using your tools because you've convinced yourself that you can't be fixed! and you're not going to be fixed I promise that neither one of us are going to be fixed ever if there's not a cure for this! If I ask you to use the tools for 30 days will you? I said yes that was 14 years ago and here I am my dysregulation has not disappeared!! But it is something I manage well now. I started using the tools that all the wonderful people that were trying to convince me to use but MY mind kept saying NO!! I went thru 8 weeks with my therapist of dysregulation to being able to determine my thoughts? Were they really going to throw me off course for getting better? My internal thoughts that are not even true? If I didn't listen to my dear friend I'm not sure I would have ever listened to anyone else? Here I had a fellow veteran like me telling me to do the work and it will help you! Use your tools do the work! I did and I cannot over emphasize that you must use tools like good reliable and trustworthy you tube channels with creators that have been through it or have a degree in the human mind! Go to credible websites such as WebMD or John Hopkins something like that Don't just go on websites where Billy Bob down the street wrote something about PTSD that's another thing that will throw you completely out of bounds as people like that Go to reliable sources they're everywhere on UA-cam there's some that are on UA-cam that are not good at all so beware and there's some that is very good I bounce back and forth to a lot of them and this is a very good one very good one. And I would suggest continuing viewing this channel you're being helped and you're being cared for by somebody who has experienced it that means a lot also. I have found throughout my numerous therapist, that I went through, Some are good! some are bad! It's just the way it is. And I have found that a lot of people hit a dead end road with the wrong therapist! If your therapist is not providing you the comfortability to understand and be able to grasp what they're trying to do if they cannot do that for you! Find a new therapist and a lot of cases I have found out that ends up being a whole lot of people's problem is the therapist that they choose. Be cautious they don't have to be your best friend they have to understand your situation that's a good therapist! It's not personal it's YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! I hope everyone has a powerful day of positivity and healthy thoughts about themselves today you deserve it! BABY STEP ARE MUST BETTER THAN NO STEPS! KEEP CLIMBING!! UNTILL YOUR EXHAUSTED AND CAN NO LONGER CLIMB! TOMORROW REPEAT!! YOU WILL BE VERY GLAD YOU DID. AND WHEN YOU PASS THE MIRROR STOP LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THAT MIRROR AND SIMPLY SAY THESE 3 WORDS. I GOT THIS.... 8 LETTERS 3 WORDS = POWERFUL!!! PEACE OUT MENTAL HEALTH WARRIORS WE GOT THIS!
In my case was never anger or aggressivity but the social awkwardness. People could tell when I was sad, humiliated and in panic or I would not react in a “normal” way according to social norms. Awkwardness I think is the most common image we give.
Yup🧸
Agreed
Oh YES! I love that you said this because that is 100% me too. Agree Agree!!!! Still am a bit. I didnt and cant read a room, read people well, control my face or my reactions and im completely unfiltered and lack approprote tack or fear. I didn't get the friendship rules or social cues... and I often reacted wrong or weird. I didnt get boundaries either. Im lots better but it took a chronic illness to wear me out physically lol and disconnecting from those that fire me up and were toxic. The target-my husband typically happened around the toxic people or about them. Lots have been solved but dang-I wish she would address this!! Thank you for this validation!!!!!
@@Megan-xc5do Very insightful comment!
And I hate how extremely jumpy I am:/
One thing I like to do is run cold water on my arms up to a bit above my elbow. It hits some important acupuncture points and seems to calm the flight fight or freeze response very quickly.
The cold water resets the nervous system. Bob from the psychology in Seattle channel is a DBT skills instructor who says this is a good tool, especially cold water or an ice pack on the face.
I'm gunnq give this a go lol
No wonder my anxiety, etc. felt worse as I got older, new traumas as a result of emotional deregulation
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
As someone with Asperger’s, it can be so frustrating having these outbursts where I feel like I can’t control the way I react to my emotions. Thank you for seeing us and the advice
My husband triggers me terribly and, for some reason, I feel like I can let it fly with him, even be mean, but not with others. He deserves better from me and I'm here on this channel to work on that.
Same here. For me, it’s because he is supposed to be my safe place and then i feel betrayed by him because he wasn’t for whatever reason. When she spoke of making the situation worse, that’s me. I definitely can just feel the moment/day ruined but it’s my feelings out of proportion. This video is so spot on why I act the way I do. Good luck to you in your own journey ❤
Same here . I don’t know how to regulate this feelings
@@lizl8107I feel you 😢
These triggers mentioned or one reason that I have never married again after a short 2 year marriage. I always said I don't trust myself and I don't want to be abusive to another person that I'm living with. I'm 68..pretty lonely from isolation and seemingly unable to keep my opinions to myself which seemed to really trigger people LOL
@@lovingjesus5184 Maybe you could invite someone to meet you for a cup of coffee somewhere or breakfast or lunch at a diner. Just for some food and conversation. It's not a forever thing, just a couple of hours.
Recently I have been encouraged that it is never to late to learn, that God won't give up on me and therefore should not give up on myself at the age of 70. This lady speaks with compassion and kindness - exactly what we all need to help us believe in ourselves. I have been desperate to get others to understand, but this advice confirms why it is not necessarily possible or helpful to find that kind of support within our family or community. Thanking God for the tool of UA-cam and this type of virtual community when used with wisdom. Thank you so much
16:51 The self-compassion here makes me want to cry. I love the way you phrase this and I hope I can employ it successfully because this advice is beautiful.
I'm 66 was sexual abused from 13 years from stepfather started at age 3? 5 of age. Physically and emotionally abused by my mother.
Would say It's been a fun ride. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior 16 years ago when I was 50 And that's what saved my life and made my life tolerable. I've decided it's time to work on myself and I'm so happy and so blessed that I found this channel. Thank you for everything you do. God bless you.
I'm so very sorry that you went through that. ❤
Ty Jesus! Would be nice to hear His name mentioned more often in these comments😏 lots of pain.
Thank God you still find Jezus / God afther aal that happend to you
God bless you
The flatness after a big outburst works both ways. Sometimes after a very wonderful, intimate, connecting moment with my partner, I feel numb and dead and dark inside. It's not always negative experiences that are dysregulating. Sometimes positive experiences are dysregulating, too.
Yes, that is true. And we suggest the same remedy :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
This describes my last fiance
OMG! You’re so right!! I’ve had that problem too since I was a teenager
Wow, I’m in an unconditional, loving, supportive relationship for the first time and this has been so mystifying to me. I feel this huge surge of joy and love and connection for a few moments and then nothing. I think part of me fears the inevitable loss of the positive feeling and doesn’t let me feel too much of it, because it’ll be worse when it’s gone. 🙁
This happens to me randomly too and I’m glad I found this video because I started wondering if I’m a sociopath or something because sometimes I feel like I can’t feel emotions properly? But it’s only sometimes and I have diagnosed PTSD (probably cptsd) it happens in negative and positive moment for me, typically correlated with my really bad days or weeks. This makes a lot of sense to me now. It’s a cycle and I hope that now I can free myself of shame and begin coping
Honestly, sometimes I don't think I can do this. I am such a mess it seems, and possibly too far gone for any real change at this point. One day I think I can do it, then the other I feel I'm too messed up. I keep hoping for some real change one day . Thanks for all you do, Anna.
Yes you do bc you writing this in recognition and in raw honesty! This is your healing and transformation where you are in! Well done!
Sometimes it's messy and allow this too. The trick is don't stay in it and don't feel guilty about it either.
I have this too and I laugh afterwards after crying, shouting... without harming someone and yourself. Wow such a release and it regulates me as well.
I don't feel guilty when I didn't do anything and my house looks messy or when I have pyjamas day, again the trick is don't stay in it for days...
I get it. It's totally normal to feel that way, and I think many of us can relate. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other (and give yourself some grace when you take a few steps back.) We're all rooting for you from the sidelines, and are so glad you're here with us. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I felt this way and started listening to guided theta wave meditations. I found an old CD but there are some on UA-cam. Need to listen with ear buds or ear phones, though, to get the benefit. It helps me figure out why I am a mess. I always get some insight that helps. Kelly Howell does the one I listen to.
I felt that way, too for a while. It’s a long haul, but just keep in mind that it is worth it. I think the thing that mostly got me out of it was like, “I can’t spend my life like this.” And that motivated me that I needed to get better for myself.
It’s especially hard when you are first seeing all your triggers for the first time. For me, it felt like I was in a prison since I was aware of everything that set me off. Before, I was always upset, but now I could find sources but didn’t know what to do with it.
It’s good to stop, acknowledge what you are feeling, find a way to calm down, and maybe apologize if you caused any damage. As you practice, you get faster at realizing when you are triggered and faster at being supportive/soothing for your inner child. Eventually, some things will stop triggering you.
As I healed, I was also motivated to get better for the people in my life that loved me. (I didn’t have many of those for a lot of my life because I couldn’t handle most meaningful social interaction.)
R McD Get professional support.
OMG. You are SO exactly describing how my childhood trauma affects me! Not being able to control my emotions has lasted a hundred times longer than the actual trauma and severely limited my life choices.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
What an insight. This explains why I’m told I’m “you’re TOO much”.
You make me feel less alone. Thank you. 😥🖤🙏🏽🇿🇦
I am so thankful to have a partner that put up with my outbursts and just left me alone most of the time when I was getting overly emotional. It helped me reflect on the situation and see it was just me over reacting and slowly I was able to change little by little and I rarely lose control anymore. It can take years to change but you can change.
Mine tried to walk me through mine, and trying to tell me how I was wrong, which always devotes in a huge fight. Then he would realize finally after all the screaming that we need to separate and then we were in a really bad place. Sometimes it will be hours.
You don’t know how blessed you are to have someone that picks up on that early.
I just found out today. The reason why he does that to me is because if he leaves things alone and doesn’t resolve them when they don’t logically make sense and they’re emotional, he goes into a panic inside of himself.
So this is causing all of our fights.
I tried to help him understand I know how that feels in different areas and I have developed tools, but he got mad and thought I wasn’t caring about his emotions and listening to his feelings because I tried to give him a solution that would help him work through his panic so we don’t have to fight as much .
It really sucks when there’s dysfunction of both sides but only one side is working towards fixing it
Thank you for sharing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.
I’ve been doing this for years. I also never apologised and never thought I was the one with the problem 😢. 13 years later I’m finally looking Inward before I hurt my family any more. My Dis-regulation is applied to EVERYTHING - Anger, Sadness, Arousal, Frustration, Excitement, Anxiety, Motivation etc. I’m glad I can finally address this.
I’ve always wondered what was my problem with wacky emotions. Now I’m not only beginning to see why, but also how to deal with them. Thank you. I started crying when I listened to this. And I’m 61 and have bipolar and borderline. I’m extremely sensitive to the point that I cried when I listened to what you had to say
We're all sending you support and encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I just discovered this "Crappy" channel and so appreciate it. I fully qualify for these videos and have never found anything so spot on for me. I've learned to calmly examine my state of mind to unload the feelings that are not helping and move on. Being lonely and not humanly connected is the largest warning sign for me. The instinct to isolate and not engage may have had survival value as a child; but as an adult, it's not helpful. I work on being calm every moment of the day. The need and demand to do this has brought great reward to my life: peace of mind, warm and secure inner feelings, etc. The affliction we have can bring great reward as we work on the solution over time.
Welcome!
So useful . I've spent most of my life avoiding people in order to avoid strong emotions . Feeling invalidated can really get my plane off the ground - brings back all the anger of my mother's insulting invalidating rages . The imagery of the belly knob is worth a try . Talking for me also brings things to the surface and the dysregulation can sometimes last for days . Something to avoid .
I know the feeling there are times that get deregulated for days at a times due to the trauma I suffered when I was a child
After many years of therapy I've finally found the practical tools I needed almost 50 years ago. Thank you.
Please can you share them 🙂🙏 xx
It's funny (in a 'not funny way'), I read your kind of comment all the time on 'on line' mental health vids, i.e. how you've had e.g. years and years of therapy with different therapists and all they did was e.g. 'listen, nod, validate how hard it must be for you, asking you 'how you feel about it' (or etc) instead of e.g. offering you strategies for emo regulation, or how to deal with ruminating thoughts, or distress tolerance, or how to interact with, or assert yourself around others, or how to face and overcome phobias or situations that trigger extreme distress, or how to process stuck difficult memories (whether they be 'conscious memories' or more like memories lodged in your body as e.g. extreme anxiety, or nausea, or muscle pain etc) so they aren't affecting your everyday life 'now'; or how to build a strong sense of personal meaning, direction o self worth, confidence, etc - how to fully embody a new posture or a way of grounding and composing yourself so you can better challenge the hold of difficult problems, thoughts, feelings, urges or situations that bring/keep you down etc. It really makes me wonder if different parts of the world offer utterly different services (?).
I'm a counsellor, and like my all my peers, we work 'directly' with everything I just mentioned, with they very same kind of stuff they talk about on vids like these, but with the added advantage of 'tailoring it to you' as my client (not just to a general audience), and being able to converse with you (a vid is only ever one way), so it's done at your pace, or in a way that best resonates with where you are at a(And we don't muck around either - We 'get to it').
So it just beggars belief that you (and others) have had to endure years and years of bad counselling only to discover this stuff 'now' in a 10 minute introductory video; stuff that in my mind, IS precisely 'bang on' what counsellors do! Exploring and applying this stuff IS our bread an butter. Sorry for the rant, but it really is just so shocking and utterly surprising to me! Terrible.
i dont like hearing things like this because it's so real. i feel like i got hit by a bus sometimes after coming down off a wave of anger and ofc it's always something small. the dog peeing on the floor, my gf asking one too many questions right after work, my coworkers swearing at me, etc. ive learned to control my tone and volume but i am still really working on the intensity of what i feel but man, i never don't feel exhausted after the feelings dissipate.
I hate it too, she is amazing and gets it so much, but sometimes her delivery is negative and makes you feel worse. I don’t even think she realises she does it, like we know we are fucked we know this is how you lose friends , I wish she would stop reaffirming what we all fear and know rather than saying ‘this is how we fix it or to improve your relationships blah blah ‘…..not ‘that’s how you lose people that’s how you have no friends’ LIKE WE KNOW THIS . But that’s for the reminder
I started writing anytime something comes up on my "note" app on my phone... I get it out and delete it. It really helps
Love this idea! Brilliant! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Great process! Vent in notes and delete!
Before today I had never heard that venting or long story form and venting is like a reentry to the transe state.
I know I don't like venting. I feel dirty and yet have been told I need to talk about it. I don't need to talk about it but I DO need to get it out. Like gathering trash in a messy house. Gather it in 1 place, toss it. I.e. write and delete.
1 question-do you read it first or do you delete when the writing stops and the feeling has passed?
I am new to this great channel but not to doing the work.
I look forward to the results and feedback from improved relations with immediate family.
(I implode vs explode but when I do Express myself, it comes across as momma has lost her mind and perhaps I may have )
@@YakMommi Hi, I do what ever feels good. Sometimes I delete it straight away, sometimes I read it over and over for a few days and then delete it. I guess I delete it when it doesn't feel relevant anymore, just because I don't want clatter in my phone. I used to write in a dairy and I enjoyed reading through it sometimes, but at one point just decided to throw them out, so now I use my phone and it's working just a great
Trying to emotionally regulate myself makes me feel like the other person is "winning" and I've "lost", yet again. That's what causes the problem for me. If I let it go, I'm hugely disrespecting myself and they're "getting away with it."
That's resentment, and Anna has a technique for that bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
It sounds to me she was saying it isn't about suppressing/letting go of your thoughts and feelings, but learning to pause and cool off to where you can have a calm, beneficial, truthful conversation about it with others.
I don't know if this will help in the slightest, but it's an experience that I had where I felt like I actually won. I'll share it just in case it helps.
I was newly dating a guy who completely went off on me with his own emotional disregulation. Normally I am triggered by people acting like that. But this time I chose to take the high road. I just let him say his stuff and vent until he was through.
I added no reaction of my own which added no fuel to the fire. And that allowed me to keep calm.
But I wasn't doing that submissively. I was doing that in a very calculated way. I was listening to what he said and the way he was saying it in order to learn what kind of person he was. And based on what I saw, I was deciding what I wanted my actions to be.
What I saw was that he was not the kind of person who I want to be involved with. I have enough struggle regulating my own emotions. I seek peace in my life because of that. I do not need someone in my life who has anger issues of his own. That is not something that I am equipped (or willing) to deal with. I realized by calmly watching him go off that he was not the right man for me.
When he eventually vented himself out I responded. I calmly told him what I had been doing while he vented. And I told him calmly what I had decided. Basically that I didn't need that in my life and that we were done.
I didn't feel even slightly like he had won by my having kept calm. I won. I kept quiet while he vented and then I calmly delt the final blow. I have never felt less like a passive victim in my life.
I realize that not everyone is in a situation where cutting the other person out of their life is a good choice. But there is probably some action/decision/calculated response that can be found while calmly watching how the other person behaves while they vent. And I feel like it will carry more weight if it is calmly delivered at the end.
And that kind of response to being vented on allows us to skip getting all riled up ourself. Yet without giving our power away. I think we actually gain power by dealing with the issue like that.
I don't know if that will help anyone at all. Or if that's even good advice. But I felt good about how I handled the situation. So, maybe something similar will help someone who reads this. I hope so.
@@anyascelticcreations hi there, this comment resembles so similar to my own situation and has brought me to tears. If you’d be willing to speak with me more about this I’d love to hear more of your thoughts as I’m really struggling with this at the moment and I have so much respect for your strength. Much love :) x
@@isabelpersson4862 I'm so sorry that you are going through something similar now. I don't know if I'll be able to help, but I can try.
Thank you for your kind words, too. I think my strength in this type of situation comes from my complete willingness to walk away. It means that ultimately I hold all the cards. Though, I don't know what I would do if I was in a relationship that I wanted to keep. I guess realistically I hopefully would only want to keep a relationship that didn't have an issue like that.
This is part of the reason why I am very determined to become financially stable without the help of any man. And am very resistant to the idea of living with anyone again. I was in dependant situations too many times and for too long. That gave me absolutely no power in any situation at all. Because when it came down to it I couldn't leave. And they knew it. Which meant that they could be as horrible to me as they wanted and there was really nothing I could do about it but complain. And complaints that weren't backed by an ability to leave just made them enjoy being even worse to me.
So, I'm not sure how to behave so calmly without an ability and willingness to end a relationship if it is not worth keeping. Though if we brainstorm maybe we can find areas that we do have power short of that. I'm sometimes better able to see situations clearly if it's not about my own life. Maybe I will be able to see something that you can do to find peaceful strength and calm. I'm willing to try. 🫂
This was so helpful, after all this time in my life. I now have a term for it. And you have outlined why my marriage fell apart. I chose an abandoner and was traumatized over and over by him overlooking me and what was important to me. I've never felt as lonely after my divorce as I did in my marriage. Thank you.
I'm glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow! You just said a mouthful!!! Exactly how I feel.
I think we unconsciously choose exactly what hurts us - in order to live through it again more consciously, recognize it, work through it and then let go finally ...
I stumbled onto your channel Anna…I’m at the very beginning of healing. I’m 56yrs of age and only just learnt the term of my trauma CPTSD🥹. I grew up with abuse and was groomed by a man 8 years older than me when I was 13yrs of age. During this period I was kicked out of high school for anger (now I know why I was so angry) I swore at the head master who blamed me for a fight other girls started . I never went back to school. And over the years my anger grew and grew. I’ve had major meltdowns and my second marriage is teetering on collapse. I’m always sorry of course. Can’t write everything here but one day I will Anna because you have given me tools that I can start to use. This will be a process and I will need to practice, practice, practice. But you’ve given me hope.💖
The wind is in your sales, @Suzie_J!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Don’t you mean *sails*❓
I think it's also important to stop trying to communicate with narcissists. Once we have confronted any type of narcissistic behavior and they refuse to own it, it's pointless to pursue a relationship with that person. That's really hard to do if we have trauma bonds, but learning who to walk away from and when to walk away is the first step in breaking trauma bonds and setting healthy boundaries.
It's bad when it's a family member that you HAVE to be around on a regular basis!
Yes but avoiding a narcissist even if they're a family member is best for our mental health. But it seems like they don't want to leave me alone in peace. I don't know when I will finally get away from them permanently.
Absolutely! It can be very hard because they can be very charming to get you, as their narcissistic supply, back on board.
@@teresarichmond9736 sometimes we have to let go of family even if it hurts
A couple of weeks ago my neighbour banged on my door and shouted at me for throwing onions in the communal garden. I had been living next door to him for a year with no problems but in June/July the noise started after 10pm. His lounge is next door to my bedroom. As I live in supported living I spoke to staff and three times in total he was spoken to regarding this and I felt he was just sticking two fingers up at me and carrying on. He had also responded about me putting smalls on the line. I started to feel awkward around him and we didn't speak for a while but then he would speak to me again until he kicked off at me. The trouble was I was having a bad morning as I'd had some bad news and when he shouted at me I shouted back called him a narcissist and swore at him too. I felt unwell for the rest of the day. Now I think why did I even answer the door? why didn't I say I can't talk about this now? Thankfully we have managed to stay out of each others way since then.
As a person diagnosed with BPD late in life, emotional disregulation has been an almost daily occurrence. I knew that something must be wrong, but I never knew what the “it” was. It has cost me several important relationships due to the rage followed by guilt and shame cycle. Just learning how to become aware and apply these tools has made an enormous difference!
How do you keep up with life, how do you not give up and keep trying hard every day. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m so tired of failing and messing everything up. I’ve tried so many things. I’m 37 years old and I get overwhelmed so easily. Diet and exercise has changed things for me a little because I have more energy but I still need to push through bigger changes. What has really worked for you?
My ex gf was on this spectrum, it was too much for me, along the way I developed Hyperthyroidism,lost 18 kg in 5 weeks, I had to leave I could not take it anymore!
This information is so extremely helpful!!!! I have damaged many a relationship with emotional disregulation, not knowing what it was or how to handle it. And I am guilty of the text arguments or firing off an email and you are so right about the shame spiral that then ensues.
Wow this is so me. I call and text and then will regret it. I hate feeling this way.
John Bradshaw helped me start to understand this years ago. His book "family..healing the inner shame" and "reclaiming your inner child" were VERY hard to read...but gave me great understanding. 🙏💝
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@Thomasfrohwitter good...keeping busy...that's my more productive coping skill/distraction now!😉you?
Write to yourself in an emotional emergency ! Yes ! Write to the one who is with you all the time, You !
NEVER EVER STOP TALKING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH!!!
My life has been ruined by periods of feeling nothing when I should feel something, interspersed with intense inappropriate love or intense murderous anger. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. (You notice, I cannot bring myself to use the word “family”, because there was no family, just a collection of blood relations who sometimes lived in the same house.). You say “don’t say/write when you are angry, calm down first and then deal with it” but I don’t ever calm down, that’s the problem. I will suddenly remember something that happened 50 years ago and still get enraged about it now.
I've done that too but with time I realized that anger was from pain buried. I had to learn to cry to release it. This helped. This and DBT. A therapist has value when you can connect with yourself with another person present. Trying to do it alone left me feeling like I was in a vacuum. Didn't work well.
"i dont ever calm down" me too, so what then?
I’ve felt this way, too. I think it is good to have DBT like the other person said at first. Therapy really helped me put in perspective that my emotions and the situations that triggered them did not line up. Like, tell the situation where you get angry to the therapist (preferably) and, if they are good, they will be able to help you figure out what made you triggered, an appropriate reaction for that situation, and can give an outsider’s perspective.
In my situation, I felt numb/sad for years. Therapy helped pull me out of pessimistic thinking, and then I was angry at everything. I learned the source of that anger (for example, I got really angry when people didn’t listen to me because it felt like they thought I was stupid because people in my family would criticize everytime I “messed up” even when I didn’t do anything) and it helped me logic through what I felt and who was really at fault. Did the person/thing that made you angry deserve that reaction? Or, did you just get reminded of when you couldn’t react/when your reactions didn’t matter and it is coming out now?
A lot of times, that realization would make me cry because I would mask other emotions with anger with my family. In day to day life, you have more choices than you did as a kid. You can feel more freely because your parent isn’t there to punish you/gaslight/hurt you anymore, and you have more freedom to leave abusive people/choose who you are around.
Before I started counseling, I would just rant to friends for hours about what was bothering me and it ended up making me feel way worse. Or, yelling at someone when you are angry will cause you to say things you don’t mean, and hurt them in ways that would be hard to repair. (Well, you might want to hurt them and damage the relationship, but that’s not good to do to someone if you want a better life… that’s a bit along the path).
So, have someone to put what you are saying in loving perspective. That will help you learn appropriate/normal/healthy levels of reactions, and also causes for the intense emotions.
@@sherryvan4627 that’s been my question for ages.
I’ve been psychoanalyzed, diagnosed, self-worked, etc. etc. to the hilt.
I know the ‘why’s’ and ‘what happened’s’ when I feel triggered. I give the appropriate responses…but that doesn’t stop the intense feelings I still feel that plague me so.
It’s the ‘then what’ that nobody can seem to get to the bottom of.
Medications have been offered. Self-medication has been explored. No true fix here, yet…
I’ve been adopted into such a hell.. I feel so much anger so much pain and so much stress. Some days I just feel numb and pain. I should be in my prime time but I’ve been drained from energy by vampires who I tried to love.
I had no idea that I was emotionally disregulated until I saw this. People have been telling me my reactions are off the charts for many years. I didn’t know what they meant. Thank you for this video. I have a new appreciation for my husband
I'm so glad the video was helpful. Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is the best video that I’ve ever listened to on dysregulation…I wish I had watched something like this in my 20’s and 30’s but never too late this info is priceless for relationships
OMGosh so do I; I’m 67 but as you say, never too late ^_^
YES! 1000%
I feel everything all at once. And it's intense. But I don't like to be emotional in front of anyone. Super uncomfortable. So I try to keep that ish reeled in.
However, there are 2 people in my life that I'm very comfortable with and will be emotional around. Not on purpose. It just happens.
This is SO helpful. Knowing there are other people out there like me. Thank you Anna. As always you're truly casting light on all these issues I've had since I was a wee one.
People need to stop being afraid of their emotions. Am so tired from feeling afraid. Write. Pray for calm. walk if you can. Tie a knot in a piece of string, over and over. Sweep. with a broom. wash your face with a cloth & under your arms with soap or without, if a shower is too much. Brush teeth when you can.