What To Do If Child is Manipulating You | How to Understand Children's Difficult Behavior
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- Опубліковано 16 лют 2021
- What To Do If Child is Manipulating You | How to Understand Children's Difficult Behavior
Have you ever asked yourself, "Is my child doing/saying this to control me?"
Have you ever feared their behavior was done solely with the purpose of making you do what they want you to do?
I know it's hard to understand difficult behaviors sometimes and knowing what to do/say during these moments isn't always clear.
In my latest video, I weigh in on the question, "Can young children be manipulative?"
I share some helpful questions to ask yourself during difficult moments so that you can show up as your best self.
Rooting for you always! :)
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Sharing positive parenting tips to help you understand and connect with your child so that you can be the parent you want to be!
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After listening to this video and trying to find content on how to deal with manipulative children, i can't believe what i am reading or hearing. Children nowadays are disrespectful, manipulative beings. Perhaps it's a cry for help or maybe its just bad behavior, either way its exhausting. Back in the day, "No"' meant "No". Could be that we respected our elders through fear because we knew disrespect meant the belt, or a type of punishment, it worked. Then all of a sudden the belt meant abuse and punishment meant being to strict. What that took away was the upper hand. Now it's all about talking, becoming a therapist, a friend to the child. Who has time for all of that. Especially with a generation that has grown up with instant gratification and their heads down to a screen. They no longer have patience, know how to guage facial expressions or tones. Since the agenda was to remove scolding with a belt , the "time out " method evolved, what did that do? Then the "I give up parent", was born, those who just gave their child their phone to quiet the noise. I don't care what anyone says. Parents became friends first then parents. What that did was create disrespect and a break down of the sanity of a parent.
I feel so ashamed about the way I react to my daughter's "manipulation", she's 4. I watched this video before I went to bed, and again when I woke up so I could imprint this into my brain. Thank you so much Dr. Jasmine for explaining these things to the mom's out there. Idk about anyone else but I have a lot of trouble with control, and it gets even worse when ella started to lie and do things that seem exactly like manipulation. In fact, I have a plethora of problems I need help with parenting, and scrolling through your video list, it seems like you've hit on almost every concern I have. Do you have any videos about children with ADHD? My daughter and husband both suffer from it. HELP!
Soo glad my videos are helpful, Elle! I will add ADHD to my list of resources to create. Big hugs!
@@TheMomPsychologist I'd love to see some resources for autistic parents and kids too if possible!
I second everything this comment says lol to my CORE
Hello Elle!! I am right there with you- and I’m very overstimulated- Bc of the over-reminded, over planning and constantly repeated myself… to the point of frustration!!! My child, middle- stubborn- STAND IN ONE spot, frozen- or go the opposite way- of the direction I gave/especially when her father is present. He simply creates an energy of distraction for them, rather than safety/connection and comfort- so she feels she has to hover by him- anytime he’s in the same room…. We can be completely on the same page- before Dad gets home, then it’s shower and bath time, for her and sis- and maya will suddenly have 10 other things she “has to do first”… Does this also happen to you?
Its interesting to me how so many people have problems calling the behaviour of a child manipulative.
If we let go of judging the label we are more capable of honestly accessign the behaviour and guide them towards succes.
Denying, enabling or justifying this behaviour will set a child up for failure.
As a parent you might be blind to their strategies, but I assure you that when they are grown its the lack of you guidance for those behaviours that will cause them to have failed marriages, job relations, friendships and
So cool to think about it like: not listening = Testing my boundaries I need clear limits please. Love and Limits! Perfect video. Thank you!
Aww so glad this reframe was helpful! Thanks for watching :)
This is the second video I tried to watch on this topic. Both were just dragged and dragged without right contents.
My 9 year old niece is being manipulated by her so called friends. I’m not having it after I learned my own self love and breaking away from narcissistic and other manipulative people. Her friends are down right rude to her.
I am lost my mind,I don't how to deal with my son with ocd,yes he manipulate me too,hopefully this will help us😢
Definitely needing some help, my son has the normal tantrums at my house. I started sending him to daycare because I need to work, well he figured out if he starts hitting and being bad and destructive he gets to come home to me or to my mom. He has literally said if I’m bad at school I get to come home to you or grandma. I just need some pointers on what to do now. He has gotten kicked out of 2 daycares because he keeps putting his teacher in danger and students.
Danielle sounds like you need to get a specific plan to work on those challenging behaviours
I Completely agree with @Alexandra Smith! Needed to hear this today. Thank YOU Dr. Jazmine! :-)
Awww, you're so welcome Elizabeth. Thanks for watching!
Thanks for making such helpful content!
Needing help my step son tre is constantly manipulating his little brother jack (also my step son) their parents are separated and every time that jack gets a one on one day with their mom, tre will manipulate him and say “I’ll play games with you if you say I can stay for your one on one night” then he never ever does! It’s very frustrating and disheartening at this point. His brother loves him and wants that attention from him and he uses it as leverage to get what he wants. This just happened today and just this past Wednesday tre had his one on one day with his mom. I don’t know what to do! Tre is 11 and jack is 9
Thanks so much!!
Thank you!!
Our children are not their behaviours
Great video 🌷
I am so happy I found this channel
Aww me too! So glad we're connected on here!
🎉thank you
You’re welcome!🫶🏽
Some children I see defiantly manipulate. Theres no need to punish, just say what you mean and follow through. Im speaking of one child in particular but ive seen many children cry if a parent says this is whats happening, and then the child gets what they want. Its giving rewards for undesirable behaviour. The same people often tell their child whats happening in a question like way, even waiting for an agreement from them before they move off and do what they say they are going to do. So its definitely different in different contexts. We need to be the leader and be clear so when we say something its heard and followed through with...anyway its easy to be someone from the outside saying this because it can be incredibly difficult in the situation, being the parent :) So no judgement. I did it with my kids. I think it is about maturity.
My stepdaughter is exactly this way and she gets to even negotiate at the end. I was deeply disturbed by her antics.
The question I would like you to answer is this whole discussion but based at school and assuming that the parents are not able to shape their child in an agreeable manner. This causes the kids to tell us school staff in a hidden behavioural manner that they are lacking parental guidance or TLC. At the end of the day the school see the kid more than some of the parents and they crave what cannot be given to them and act out at school affecting everyone else.
If someone is bossy..how would you name it for example if the features of the behaviour is bossy?What would you name it? Since you say not label. Everything in life we name...the reason being is to be able to identify and once we identify the features we will be able to do something about that issue...otherwise we can`t relate and explain to others what we are trying to say...I am wondering that if psychologist ever go into a home...observe an issue such as eg. tantrums..shouting frustration..manipulation etc.... I can go on and on... to study by observing because a lot of situations where parents have a problem they go for help...the parents receive a lot of verbal guidance and theory but nothing of the theory is matched with observance experiencing the actual issue in order to help! ...There is an example in vids of Nanny 911 where she actually goes in the home...tell them to carry on as normal ...observe...and is able to pinpoint the situation ...discuss with parents... then find a technique to help the child to be more responsible for their actions! The frustrations of parents to explain and to be believed that they are sometimes are in desperate need for intervention in what they are trying to explain without a psychologist not going out to first hand experience what the behaviour in question needs is frustrating in itself!! It takes absolute dedication..time and on the ground experience if you really want to help genuinely and that I haven`t seen in some professions where its highly needed!
Video starts @3:09
So if they are doing it with dishonesty like literally lying to one parent about what the other is doing - what is it he is needing ? It feels like he is recognizing the tension between us and maybe needing us to be on the same page ? Am I way off?
Every family dynamic is different but this could be spot on if that’s what’s going on between the parents. 🤎
That is a possibility but I think we should look at the behaviour itself and isolate the behaviour and deal with it eg. Deal with the issue of lying on its own
Is this concept relevant to teenage boys 15 & 17 by chance? I have been working toward being more spiritually aware and IDK WHAT TO DO. I literally have ants in my sink due to the lack of fks my older teenage sons give when doing their chores IF they get done, its usually as of late, been sitting there to where we run out of dishes. I want to B#@T some ass, fr, fr, BUT thats not who I am anymore ..BUT.. they have no damn respect for anything or anyone unless it concerns their agenda and even then 😤 I'm about ready to let lose on them, their not babies anymore ya know. It wouldnt be so bad if they didnt treat their younger, (he seems sensitive, he says he remembers his circumcision 😮 being in the womb, etc.) 5yr old brother like nothing, they dont let him play, or anything, not answering him when he asks simple questions or replying with hiss or saying something smart ass (you know what I mean) giving him wrong and or bad self impressions of himself, you know just all around thats not how I raised my boys, I raised them, alone, but I made sure on a lot of stuff to boot. And if im being honest, idk who these 2 people are who are living under the same roof.😮💨 Sorry, thank you for the rant, it was much needed!!
I’m almost at the same place with 13 , 10 yo girls. Older is only out for herself
So, my response to my child's behavoir is more about my beliefs systems than it is about them?
Our child is a little over 2 now. It’s awesome to see him transform from someone who is living off another person to his own person. As time goes on you can see how he is learning boundaries. Testing them you could say. Everything he does is testing if it’s okay or not. For example, just yesterday he was pushing a glass to the edge of a table. We told him no, and he kept pushing. Soon the glass was halfway off the edge and we yelled for him to stop and he stopped. Although sad, he knew that that wasn’t allowed. It is very important I think to discipline them so they know right from wrong. I always had a question and it revolved around manipulation. Children naturally are selfish. They haven’t learned the concept of other people’s needs yet because their whole life up until this point has been about them and their needs. Once they start to figure out that they can get away with certain things with fake crying ect, they will keep doing it because it is ultimately getting them what they want. My question was that if left unchecked, would a child grow up realizing that what they say/do can benefit them in some way, I.e manipulation. I totally get looking at what they are trying to communicate as well but you can tell when they are trying to get what they want or get what they need.
Some kids actually are manipulative. That needs to be addressed.
Ikr? My stepson is an angel, total sweetheart, but his mother is MPD and narcissistic and I see certain tendencies of hers sometimes in him. I don't even care how it makes me feel; it's going to destroy his life in the future. Like when he doesn't listen and I have to tell him 3 times then ground him he scream cries and like looks at other people like he's begging them for help from my "evil" behavior, no matter how calm I stay. When i raise my voice, he throws his hands up like I'm going to hit him even though he's never been hit once, and I've raised him so I know it's not trauma related. He tries to make me feel bad when I ground him or punish him in any way, no matter how bad the thing he did was. He's bossy with his friends, brags a lot, then loses them because they won't tolerate it, throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, I'm not sure what to do but I do know it's going to color his life if it doesn't stop.
@@heathertaylor8904It sounds like he’s honestly scared of you & with step parents doing awful thing to their stepchildren these days I would on high alert if my child was acting like this around you
@chellelechelle I can understand why you'd feel this way. He's going through a lot, and kids are not developed yet, and can't handle abuse. This can look very much like the effects of abuse, too. I know what I know, and I know these cycles only come out when she decides to wander back into his life carelessly and just long enough to rub off on him a little, then disappear again with whatever violent asshole she's currently dating for a place to stay. She's been gone for about 8 months maybe? And we're in the lull between visits. I was really frustrated when I wrote that, and he's not doing it anymore.
I've never hit one of my kids, I don't yell. He's my fourth, and I've learned there is an easy balance between holding them responsible for their actions, and loving them with all your heart. I'm not afraid I'm the cause because I've devoted my life to helping him through this without his mother, and I know he knows he's loved. But I also know whenever she drifts back in at her leisure, this will start again. It's frustrating, but I'm an adult, I'll manage. I just hope he doesn't grow up with her violent tendencies. I mean there's always a time and place to stand up for yourself, but throwing plates at people's heads or trashing their car or ruining their lives cause you didn't get your way ain't it. (Not you specifically, you know what I mean. People in general). I see her behavior in him when she pops in and spends time with him, and it takes awhile to undo. But he's not going to have a happy life if these tendencies stick, and that's what scares me for him. He won't even know why he's so miserable and lonely. I hope everything I do rubs off on him a little. It's hard work but he's worth it.
Also try not to judge a situation you don't really know. You didnt even try to ask any questions or clarify anything before you came in sideways with saying I'm abusing him. Doesn't bother me because I'd rather die than ever hurt any of my kids. But that can be a dangerous precedent for people around you if you don't understand a situation before you say things like that, and maybe the wrong one will listen. Still, kids need to be spoken up for, and I guess no harm could come of it long term, but the system can be crazy traumatic at times. His mom had him for one weekend once, and left him alone in the middle of the night to visit some guy down the road. A neighbor found this 3 year old kid wandering the pretty bad neighborhood, crying for her. we had to deal with CPS when we called the cops on her. They tend to look at all aspects of the kids life, and he was a little traumatized by the shit they asked about her like sexual things that weren't even the issue but I think confused the fuck out of him. Anyway, just a thought.
The "throwing his hands up" like I'm going to hit him (which is ridiculous because I've spanked one of my kids 25 years ago once and never did it again cause it didn't do shit and just made us both cry lol) is a specific behavior of his mother. She will throw shit, scream, break windows, and then call the cops and say you did it. It's the evilest shit i ever saw, cause she goes from unhinged fucking banshee to cowering behind the couch and crying on the phone the second 911 picks up, trying to get his dad arrested. It's fucking uncanny to watch, because it's carefully orchestrated. When they get there she'll shake and cowering and act like the cop is going to hurt her. It's fuckign ridiculous when you know what's happening but the cops fell for it twice. I've seen her try that on 3 separate dates, 2 times with him, once with a neighbor she didn't like, and all 3 in front of her son. I recorded her the 3rd time and she got arrested instead. People can be fucked up, man, and she's one of the worst I've ever seen.
She's coming in October to get him for two weeks, and taking him to spend time with the felon who went to jail for armed b&e 3 times, I think? Lots of domestic shit. Growing up, my mom was exactly the same way, and 2 of my 4 sisters ended up like her. I guess that's why I'm scared for him. Some of it IS genetic, and even if it is, it scares me for him. No life like that has any peace and I want better for him. She and I agree on no spanking so I don't think him doing the cowering thing is from her either, but the guys she dates tend to have a long history of domestics so who knows. Dcf won't do shit anyway. We've tried. At any rate for what it's worth I appreciate someone out there worrying for kids. I'd tell you I'd never hit him or hurt him, but that's what an abusive asshole would say so I don't really see the point. Keep championing kids though. You really can't go wrong in doing that.
@@heathertaylor8904 I don't read responses in the form of novels.
@@thisslightlysweetlife3402 I know.. reading is super hard for some people. I don't blame you.
This did not help !
Not wondering I know my child is manipulating me lmaoo
Simply crying and being shy are weak talking points. There are kids that triangulate relationships amongst other kids. An example would be, "Kaylee, we dont like Hannah, do we?" "If you don't buy me this, i wont love you anymore" "if you don't do this, we can't be friends anymore". My daughter is starting to this to me because a friend is doing it to her.
Thanks for your wonderful advice. I have a almost 8 yr old who has never met her father. And is struggling with the rejection from him. What advice do have to help me help her. She only does anything when I get upset with her. Like I can talk in a nutrual calm voice and she refuses to do anything or respond to me. So when I get loud and or upset she then does something. I don't want that type of relationship with her. And the back talking!!!! Ugh
I learned somewhere that it’s proven single moms have trouble with controlling their child. Not because they are bad parents but because a deep “scary” voice can instill that “I can’t do this” mentality into a child. As a single mom, you carry all the weight. You DO need to be stern so she knows when she’s wrong. A mother and father play separate roles in a child’s development. It’s typically said that the mother is there to nurture and the father is there to discipline/make it known when they are acting wrong. Obviously both can do either, but that is primarily what you see. Your job is HARD and you need to successfully do both in order for her to grasp different perspectives
I stumbled across this video because my daughter was manipulating my wife and I noticed it. She’s five. Dude this lady respectfully is part of the problem with kids today. DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS LADY 😂 There is a way to hold children accountable for actions and hold them responsible without getting upset or angry. Changing the label to “smart/intelligent” doesn’t fix anything 😂 if you’re getting emotionally charged over your child manipulating you or any action for that matter that’s a YOU problem. Not a problem with your child. “He who angers me controls me”. Never discipline in anger instead you need to discipline because boundaries and rules were broken that were clearly communicated and agreed to with the child. (Assuming you clearly communicated the boundaries and rules. If not, then that’s your own damn fault. Can’t hold someone accountable for something that was never clearly communicated with them) anyways, Changing the label is dumb as hell 😂 call it whatever you want the child is leveraging your emotions to gain an advantage over you. Admittedly that is smart or shows a high EQ but it’s still bad 😂 Manipulation is inappropriate at any age. And you need to nip that behavior when it starts and let them know that you know they are doing it. The second she said “I don’t like labels” I just laughed. Soft ass society. Call a spade a spade. Changing words to make people feel better about their poor choices (ie manipulating a parent) is going to decrease their ability to be accountable for their actions and be responsible. Which is going to hurt them later in life as an adult. I never comment on YT videos but figured I would just in case parents are actually watching this and following the advice.
I like labels, they call attention to what a problem is by name. For example Manipulation is a label. I watched a 3 year old scream whenever she can't get her way as if someone is killing her. He entire family scramble to give her whatever it is she wants even if it means taking something from one child to give whatever it is to the child. You know the difference between when a child is crying because she wants something or because she can't have what she wants.
I think this speaks more to how the family responds to her crying vs her having a malicious intent and crying to manipulate people. If others in her life responded differently and taught her the skills she needs to get her need met in healthier ways, we wouldn’t see the behavior. Labels do nothing but say “the child is the problem” but what is the solution?
Honestly my child used to get smacked until the age of 4. I tried time out, reward chart, having a discussion, grounding, writing lines, positive language and removing privileges. I now have an 8 year old who acts like they are 16 years old.
I get mocked because friends and family members because they said we should not have stopped smacking.
I am not sure if I can go back to smacking, wish we didn't stop because it was more effective.
So where do I go from here????
yeah you really didn't answer the question ..this was just an advertisement to other questions not answered probably
Would Deliverance Work??? I am actually considering calling a Deliverance Minister.
Holy shit Craig, get help. They're being children, it's not friggin demons.
@@heathertaylor8904 So naive.
@Craig Fryer yeah, I'm the one living out of a fairy tale book in this situation. You're totally correct Craig. 😅
What about a priest instead of these videos and therapist 🤔?
Welp, Luke was a disciple of Jesus, yet he was still a practicing doctor…so….
My daughter is extremely obvious when she's being manipulative. What pisses me off every single day, several times a day, is how she is completely oblivious to EVERYTHING in her life. 100% oblivious, 100% of the time, and it OFTEN puts her in danger.