Yes, first I was losing my mind from this loneliness , from my unconscious patterns to stuck with ppl who do not give a sh*t about our relationship. Lately I started to feel okay being alone
@@mohammedessam4969 you’ll do well and you’ll get through it…. and you now have the chance for peace, to shine and be happy….there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙏 💕 🕊
@mohammedessam4969 Yes being alone isn't the same as being lonely. During the first lockdown I didn't feel so lonely as I had detoxed from toxic and malevolent people. There is nothing worse than be surrounded by people who don't really see you and don't want to listen to you. Or they half listen to you and respond to what they thought thet heard or wanted to hear. I am sick and tire of having to explain everything three times because they didn't listen properly the first time.
@Commander Graham dealt with that too much. Plan to be self employed people just treat me worse than a piece of trash in most of my workplaces due to mental and physical health issues
No, it's as difficult to understand color blindness if you're not afflicted by it. I have to watch the comparisons to understand the olive-colored (or pink-tinted) world they live in. Example: ua-cam.com/video/GCQE1U2EQ_4/v-deo.html
I agree it is painful to explain the toxicity because it is a taboo. I have been castaway when I am no longer needed and called when they need to validate their conscious. Enough is enough.
These are the same people who have decent to perfect families OR they’re submissive to their family abuse. At the end of the day, both ends lack empathy and consideration of your mental health
AGREED!! They do not understand it. Or they dismiss the behaviors from their own family thinking that it's okay---behaviors that we wouldn't put up with. I always say, if you wouldn't let a stranger treat you that way, why should you let your family?
I realized after many years, that my family does not even miss me much as I went limited contact and moved a few states away. The only thing they miss is my placeholder as a scapegoat in their lives.
Yes, when I moved 2 states away they had to find a new punching bag. I had to save myself. While waiting on my divorce they lured me back, didn't go well, had to leave and stay far to keep my kids from same demise. Try to connect with siblings occasionally but only for short events as I realize narcissism
@@nowuknow3964 this is my exact story! I go threw the same so I just visti to see mom. I won't go visit any one else! It is pointless and more harm to my self doing so
Writing the letter is giving the narcissist more supply and opening yourself up to more abuse that you will have to fend off. Writing an emotionally intelligent and coherent letter to a narcissist is like trying to communicate trigonometry to an infant. Save yourself from this and just do the cut off without the letter. Let your silence speak for you.
You have a point, however... I got rid of my narcissist psicopath father by writing him a one page letter and stating point by point why I was cutting ties with him. I don't care if he understood it or not but getting all that out of my chest felt GREAT, it was somewhat cathartic and therapeutic for me. After 10 years he got back to me asking for forgiveness because he had cancer and "had reflected on his life mistakes" (near death experiences usually change people's view of life). I decided to open "a channel of communication with him" while fully protecting myself (challenging, I know). I now see him as a sick man who had a terrible emotional upbringing and feel sorry for him. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents.
That is such a great analogy. I find it amazing how many times I tried to reason with my mother, kept getting the same reaction and still went back for more. 2+ years now. Still pains me but there is no winning.
I will have to do it that way...A letter would put me at risk of receiving evil treatment and the worst guilt trip and talking behind my back that I can imagine or handle...
I cut off my family almost 10 years ago and still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them. It’s truly heartbreaking. It was on the verge of suicide right before I took the leap and moved to another continent. And it’s not that I wanted to die. I wanted to not be with them. And cutting them off definitely saved my life.
Sometimes that's the only way. You did good. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, so I can relate. I wanted to end my life too. It was too much noise and drama for me to handle. Instead, I just cut a lot of people off. They now know not to call me or approach me. My complete silence of not bothering with what they say or do finally paid off. I just don't respond or even look at them (if I ever come across them at a shopping center or some random public event...). They finally learned after 6 years that I'll get the law involved for harassment.
I'm amazed at how well I understand, and hate that so many people relate to this feeling/story. I hate that realizing they were what was killing me (driving me toward suicide) is what saved my life. I'm also moving to another continent next year. Got a full legal name change too. I hope you're doing well. ♥
What is hardest about making the decision to break with your family is acknowledging that you really don't have one. You are already cut off, on your own in the world. Someone once said of my family, "They'll never love you no matter what you do." At the time that hit me like a punch to the gut, but once I accepted it (and it took a very long time), my life became possible.
Thank you that is exactly it the hardest part is realizing that you never really had a family and they never loved you. It's 3 years of NC for me the best thing I've done but it doesn't change the fact that I never had a loving healthy family.
@@Careabouttheimportantthings It took years. I had to realize that the abuse was abuse and I had never deserved to be treated as I was. The recently available books, videos and other resources on narcissistic parents were eye-opening.
@@EarInn Ok, thanks for your answer. What country are you from if I may ask? I ask because I might have experienced some narcisstic people but there were also excuses made because of "culture".
I had to cut off the “but they’re your family” friends too lol. Definitely helps to be surrounded by an authentically loving, supportive, and understanding network that doesn’t pull moral judgments on something as serious as cutting off a traumatic family of origin. So liberating.
How did you find those supportive people? I am not planning to cut off totally from my family, but keep a big distance. However, I need to change the types of friends. I think I start cutting off a certain kind of friends. For my family, I feel compassion when I know how things are.
@@sannajohanna5579 Sometimes you'll find someone willing to listen which is great, but I'm aware I have some friends just can't listen patiently as they don't get it. They see the surface level of family and that's all. They have no idea how damaging and non-repairable some people or events are. I have a group of friends each lovely in a different way. I have to remember which people can handle certain topics, because they may still be nice but not knowledgable in that specific area. I don't want to feel hurt by their shutting me down. I can be responsible to tell them how I feel by their response. Give them a chance to consider my view and take it from there. A good friend will try to understand or adjust... :) But I accept without insight I can't be too mad, a little sad but give them kudos for other things they do well. I LOVE it when I find someone who has been through similar things and totally relates!! That is so helpful. But we have to realise there aren't very many that you meet day to day. But a support group or online group also helps you see you're not alone.
To anyone reading this, do it. He might as well have been talking about my family. Cutting them off is one of the hardest things I ever did, and one of the best things that I ever did. It's been 10 years, and I'm not sorry for a minute. I believe it saved my life. It will be awful in the beginning, but you'll start to grow as a person and feel free like you never have before. Keep on educating yourself and get the hell out....
@@wendywhoisit1819 My bad, I should have been more clear. I didn't mean to address anyone/everyone reading the post that they should separate from their family. I was definitely addressing members of abusive families. The video wasn't referring to simple differences of opinion and lifestyle between family members, it was referring to individuals who are in an abusive family system. In that context, showing patience and understanding to abusive and narcissistic people can cost you your happiness, health, and/or your life. At the very least, someone considering going no contact NEEDS TO GET DISTANCE AND ESTABLISH SAFTEY as soon as possible. If a person's family truly is abusive and narcissistic I would still advise them to go no contact. Even if those are the only people that he or she has in the world, being alone is better than being slowly drained and broken down over time until you are simply an empty, miserable shell of a human being. I have seen it many times so no, I am not exaggerating. And yes they are doing it on purpose...They do it in order to maintain control, and the odds of them ever stopping are effectively zero. I'm not talking about people with family problems and normal conflict. I am talking about abusive families. Please stay safe.
@@koolbeans8292 You clearly underestimate/don't understand what separating from people who love you for petty reasons can do to people. Sometimes it's too late to go back because people aren't around forever. You need to learn to tell difference between petty reasons and abuse. What is described in the video is clearly abuse. But it's important to point out that not EVERYONE should separate from their family because of small disagreements.
I just had an argument with the narcissist.Narcissists should be isolated as they are harmful to someone's sanity.What about placing them all in an island? I can't stand the trauma...Hope to be away from my toxic mother... Narcissistic parents can take away your confidence, independence and creativity....
"You have mommy/daddy issues and you just want attention.." "You declared war on the entire family and dont come around because you want attention and everyone focused on your selfish behind. It's your way,or no way" "You have always been a troubled child..." They (extended family and friends) will be dirty and come around,or call you pretending they are empathetic towards you, to hear your side of the story are just trying to understand, then hit you with Insults and put downs something like that... Then hang up in your face or walk off.. Immediate family will just play dumb about why you walked.. You don't have any allies in that type of environment.. No real friends either, because most likely,because of your up bringing,you did a piss poor job of choosing friends.. Just clean house and get them all out of your life....
..."you just want attention" ...that sentence describes exactly their responses towards me. Why writing a letter? When I was young I thought no one understood me; it took me decades to admit no one did care to listen.
OMG@@LyrielonwindI didn't have that insight yet.. It's not that I can not be understood, it's that they never tried to🤯. Thank you sharing that insight! 🤯🤯
sometimes you have to do this for yourself and then they'll see what's important to you and if they care and love you for you then it will be important to them and will try to help you reach your goal.
I cut my whole family, nieces and nephews alike. Why would I foster children of the siblings who believed Id grow up to be a menace and regard me still in that way at 49 years old. I put in my time; I paid my way; I owe them nothing
Yep, at 28 I’m finally doing this myself, because I was prevented from leaving because I’m “retarded” or “mentally unwell” while I’m not allowed to have my items stolen, broken or thrown away. So I issued my warning and went from there.
When I was 22 at university, I decided the cut off during a phone call to my mother where she was bitching yet again on decisions that I made for myself. I ended the phone call with : "ok", " I heard you", "yep", "ok bye". I moved dorms and I didn't call again for 3 years. And now I can be around her a maximum of 3 times a year for 1 hour and some short phone calls once a month where I enquire about her health and let her talk. I don't share anything major that is going on in my life.
@@hippieprincess I did not have any guilt. I was however very resentfull that I wasn't blessed with kind and caring parents. That took a while to come to terms with. I contacted her after family informed me she had done some big changes in her life. But I still have to keep my distance.
Cried the whole way through this. Felt as if someone had read my diary. Husband just sat next to me and held my hand nodding the whole time. Thank you for validating what I’ve been trying to deny for so many years.
Can I ask a question? I'm sorry if this sounds too personal. But did your parents approve of your spouse? I really want to have hope for my future, in case they start to guilt trip me with culture & religion to have a say on my choices
@@llsss777 no they didn’t. But I’ve realized over time that we have different values and hold our morals to different standards. I hope you continue to know that regardless of what you do, you are not responsible for how your parents choose to respond. Their behavior is their own responsibility, and only they can be held accountable for that.
I did when I was homeless, too. Actually that is the best time in your life you can do it. No stalking or crazy trials of getting back into contact can happen when they don't have your address. I hated being homeless but they didn't care about me. They just wanted to get money out of my situation and called me to threaten kill my cat or destroy the family piano I wanted to have. So I just got there once to pick up the most important things for me and I was gone forever to them. They tried to force me to get new contact by threatening to throw things away but I don't care about things anymore and the mails were kind of ignored by me. Just be strong and build up a new nice family! You can do this and it was the most healing time for me to live in my car/tent for some time just on my own. I read a lot and thanks to some friendships I made in the past I could get back into a home and overcome my new handicap that was the beginning of my misery. I started studying the Bible and I am sure that you will find your way back into an even happier life after this!
Just think of it this way.. if you had a non crazy making family, would you be homeless? More likely you wouldn’t be. Take care of yourself now, so future Renee will thrive, not just survive. ❤️
I was the appendix in my family used and discarded like a piece of trash. Then they ask me why I treat them like the plague. They're unable to self-reflect.
I walked away and went no contact with the entire dysfunctional family. .no letter. .no explanation..my silence and absence did that!..thank you..blessings..💜
I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄
I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄
The realisation that my Father is a narcissist was liberating. But it's also overwhelmingly sad and confusing to have to grieve for a person and a relationship that never was. The signs were always there. I just didn't want to believe it. It was easier to believe that everything was my fault. The sheer terror of being completely alone without a family subsides when I realise that. I have always been alone.
I can relate it just happened to be my mom and my dad killed himself cuz he couldn’t take it anymore I always would trip that shes all I have left but like you said We always been alone
Just a friendly reminder-- you are not alone. There are many of us who see you, hear you. Your tribe isn't always made up of your family-of-origin. Blessings from your Soul-Kin in Oakland, California!
I didn’t invite three of my four sisters to my wedding because I knew they would ruin it for me. Best thing I ever did. They are still a little mad at me but it was the best day of my life and I am so happy.
And if friends say "but it's your parents" I ask them "you think now I have to give them back what they've given me?" And when they say "yes" then I reply "that will be kind of hard for them because in that case I have to beat them every day until they're laying on the floor crying"! After that answer those friends never talked about it anymore 😂
In my case it would be to verbally abuse daily until I'd go to my room in tears and then tell her friends how I am an over-emotional child. I learned how to bury my tears and hide my hopes and dreams inside my heart so they wouldn't be stomped on. It was a lonely time.
“But they’re your parents.” Fuck friends off who say this. Fuck them right off, they’re not true friends and they’re not good to be around. Get new friends. Once you’re removed from all of that and you’re finally able to be your authentic self you will be very surprised at how easy it is to make new friends with people who are truly wonderful, joy inspiring people.
You forgot no food no water dirty clothes and strange school days followed by involuntary stays in mental wards followed by well that never happened. Yeah I've been there too but with no proof since juvenile records are sealed I can't sue the whole state for my PTSD life is an illusion.
Both my mom and I were scapegoats in our family. After my mother died, the toxic behaviors of my siblings increased. The cut off was when my cousin unwittingly clued me in. She told me she hated the way my mother was treated (which was very bad and cruel to her they were always putting her down and belittling her to her face and behind her back), and she noted that now that our mother was dead, my siblings moved me into her spot. I was always treated poorly, but it was really amping up. After my cousin's revelation I ended up in an argument with my siblings that made it clear where I stood. I told my sister I needed her to give me space because I was upset. She refused and kept calling. My other lied to other family members about our argument. Luckily I live very far away from them. I changed my phone number and shut my email account. It has been almost 12 years now and though I still have a lot of trauma to work through, I am doing so much better now. A message I received from my sister is that I should be ashamed for my lack of forgiveness. And lastly that she doesn't understand what she did wrong. I don't owe them explanation. I can forgive. Forgiveness is onesided. I will not ever reconcile with them. Period.
My situation got worse when my co-dependant father died. Everything accelerated, as before my father's death, he was the peace keeper and did whatever my mother told him. My siblings all panderef to my mother, and ganged up against me. They've now reeled in the extended family as well as family fritnds. I've been no contact for nearly two years now. So much relief but also guilt.
People can forgive, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in Relationship with that hurtful person. I’ve forgiven, but I cannot ever forget, or I’ll be right back to being their punching bag
I read this and said to myself I could’ve written it. Wow this hit close to home for me. thanks for this common and the explanation of your experience.
My family uses the "honor thy mother and father" verse on me as an absolute reason for me to fall in line. I have been called dramatic for creating healthy boundaries for me and my family. I have been slandered, have feared for my safety and shamed. As I begin to separate and heal I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I definitely suffer from "forgetful optimism" from time to time and totally identify with how it feels to be "clobbered" but know that I have to move on for the health of my own family. I am breaking the cycle here and now. Thank you!!
Bible. Ephesians 6:4 [4]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Honoring is about not doing things to hurt them or family reputation by doing bad unGodly actions, outside or in the home. Honor that they are your parents, but they are not entitled to abuse you for their purpose. They are abusing the word of God. They are not pleasing God with this type of abuse toward you.
Jesus was a hippie. He spoke against authorities and left society and his own family and said “who is my mother or father... these (points to disciples/friends) are my mother and father (my family)” Friends are my family too
Ready to get mind blown? I’m big on learning the Hebrew roots of words, because I feel like it’s a more direct translation. The Hebrew meaning of the word commonly translated as honor actually means “to give weight to”. For years! I thought I didn’t “honor my father and mother” - I thought that my noncompliance to their abuse meant that. But reading the real meaning, I realized I had always given them weight... Too much so, because they are not of the light, and they are not of the God of Love. When my dad told me to kill myself, I considered it. When my mom told me in so many ways that I was worthless, I thought maybe she’s right. But then I realized God doesn’t see us that way, not even close. It breaks the heart of Spirit to see how parents murder their children with their words... If you have EVER been abused by your parents and it’s impacted you, you have actually given them weight. Once you realize they are not of the light, are not from God, you are free to release yourself from them... Do not let fear keep you imprisoned. Hope this helps. 💗 You are a child of God... You are loved... Even if it’s not from who you think it’ll be from, and even if it doesn’t happen in the way you expect, you will thrive. 🙏
i like how you mentioned that other cultures may not accept this to be a norm - i come from Southeast Asia and it was a very tough decision for me to break away from my own family 5 years ago. I read, listened and watched a lot of resources with regards to childhood abuse and toxic families to try and understand what exactly happened to me. Till this day, my dad is still gas lighting me and denying all the abuses that had happened because according to him, i'm the weird one and possibly insane. it's tough cos in an Asian community, filial piety is held in high regard and my very act of leaving home is seen as defiance and nothing more. I hate it that in many people's eyes - Asian parents can do no wrong, that they are authority figures and that they know what's best for the kids but nobody sees what happens behind closed doors - the violent beatings, the verbal insults, the sexual assaults, the grooming, the threats and the shaming. And the insane thing is despite all these, Asian society still thinks that these very children - who have already grown up to be adults must fulfill their obligatory duties to their parents by taking care of them during old age. Adult children who have internalized all these abuses, and then act out all these abuses in one way or another - either on their loved ones, their own children, their friends and then having nowhere else to turn to. It's a frickin' cycle. Unfortunately, the law still protects the elderly parents because elderly parents can sue adult children for not supporting them. But if adult children were to make a case for childhood abuse, it's almost impossible and often a lengthy process. *Sorry for the rant, just need to get this off my chest
@no bot thank you for your comment! It's nice to know that you have spent some time in Asia I think child abuse is not often talked about in Asia because of several reasons, probably too many to list in 1 single comment. But if I were to narrow it down to 2 reasons, it would be 1) Children were taught that they owe their lives to their parents just by virtue of being born into this world. (Cos if the parents didn't give birth to them and give them basic needs, where would the children be?). So, if the parents were to abuse the children, the children will most likely feel guilty and find it difficult to speak up about the abuse. 2) Whatever happens in the household stays within the four walls of the household. It's considered shameful to air your family's dirty laundry to the world. And even if some other adults (neighbour, family friend, colleague) might have witnessed some kind of abuse happening to the children, some would keep quiet because it's "their family's business". Again, both reasons vary with a certain degree of context. I hope that one day, we can have a conversation about child abuse and child protection in Asia so that more survivors can come out, speak up and begin their healing asap.
@@idconfirm Thank you for speaking up your truth. I am from Asian and I can 100% relate. every word of it. I am thinking abt a family cut-off, it seems impossible. I guess what I am trying to say is that,its good to know that I am not alone.
I'm an African-Arab and I can relate to every single word you said, there are a lot of similarities between our cultures. I have a very toxic and abusive family, My question to you as someone who already took this experience, how have you dealt with the guilt feeling of leaving your family because only thinking of taking the decision of the " cut Off" I feel guilty already? its like I'm abandoning them despite all the bad thing they did and still doing to me. (sorry English is not my first language)
That sounds really tough. I can't imagine what it must be like for strangers to make a judgment on what kind of daughter you are based only on where you live.
Good for you!! I felt pretty immediate relief also. It's not selfish, it's self preservation. You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Stay strong and discover how sweet life is without the negativity, toxicity and chaos.
Remember that writing a letter can be healing without actually sending it to said toxic person(s). Protect your heart. Not everyone deserves an explanation and you have the right to remain silent 🙏🏻
I did a cutoff several years ago from my borderline mother and sister. I made great progress in the five years apart - I was able to quit alcohol and lost over 100lbs. I re-established connection with them eventually but after two years all the toxic elements have returned and I regret reuniting with them. I think it's time for another cutoff and maybe this time for good.
I relate, I did a similar thing (unofficially) the pandemic helped and then I went back into the toxic situation & I got re-traumatized, huge setback in my emotional well being and physical health (gained 100 pounds) and now seeing the truth of the situation. Compassion for yourself, I think the education of what what really is happening is key to continuing to honor & respect healthy boundaries we make for ourselves.
@@YourSelfCare_Sophia Yes, understanding and education is key. Good for you that you figured out the toxic situation in your life. I sometimes struggle with the break-off from my family but I remind myself there are so many great people in this world to build healthy relationships with. Best of luck!
Due to flying monkeys, and our own inability to recognize them as that, until its too late, I would not recommend sending a letter to anyone. Maybe writing the letter to yourself, for yourself, but not sending it would be better.
@@AK-yx3qf Agree 100%. Every situation is so different, I sent a letter to each family member, same letter, explaining exactly why I was leaving, that I still loved them all, and they were welcome to visit me anytime with a call in advance. Nothing. 2 yrs later my younger brother called, said it wasn't the same without me. They had no one to ridicule anymore. Told him I wasn't coming back to their family gatherings regardless. He said he loved me, I said the same, not a peep from any of them since. 2 yrs ago, learned by accident, my only living grandmother had passed 2 months prior. Nobody notified me of sickness, death, funeral, nothing. We had been close. Attended her church many times on holidays, all of my other grandparents funerals. It crushed me they could be so cold. So here I am. I'll be hoping that you will get that distance you need to make things more clear, and be more free to move on and find peace. Take good care.
The hardest thing I ever had to deal with was realizing my family didn't really love me or want the best for me - but kept me around because what I could do for them - did it hurt - more than you know But once I came to terms with it and let them go - it was so freeing - like a weight had been lifted from me - which made it easier for me to accomplish the things I wanted to/ made me happy Bonus - have almost no drama in my life Looking back wish I hadn't been so afraid and done it sooner
I understand exactly. Another thing I’ve learned, they are not capable of love they don’t have it in them to give. Be thankful that you do and it’s not for nothing because it makes you the person you are today. Strong sincere and kind. Always choose love cause that’s who you are.
I feel exactly the same. I waited way too long to just end the misery. I was 59 years old before I decided I had enough. They were never going to change and I had to do the changing myself.
Truth!! I feel this 💯% I've been NC for the 2nd (and final time) for almost a year and my life has improved SO MUCH! I feel like I can finally think clearly for the first time in my life. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and we are going to start a family of our own. And those poor toxic folks I used to call family will know NOTHING of our children. They don't know where I work, they don't know where I live. I have no social media anymore, so they cannot stalk me. They text me occasionally in but I do not respond. It's liberating!!!
uhg. Im 35 and I just cut my mom off today. I am grieving the dream. I chased the dream so long. Like, my whole life. She doesnt want to work with me to reconcile and be accountable for the abuse she has inflicted on me and my siblings. I have a toddler now. I really thought that she had an option to just simply be an awesome grandma and my kid would never even need to know what a horrible parent she is. She doesnt want to be a grandparent. Its almost as tho she lives in a totally different reality. Theres no point in saying anything to her, verbally or written because she projects so hard she will literally reply to something I did not say. Anyways. Sorry all of you had parents who made you feel like you were nothing, that you were only precious to them when it made them look good. Im sorry they dont see you.
@kbail Similarly, it was my wife that initiated true boundaries with my mother and us. I was used to avoiding or caretaking her to dodge the worst reactions... and was just used to our toxic, codependent relationship. No healthy partner is going to want to share their life with that. It was scary for me, to push back, to say "no, you need to knock on my house door before coming in at 11pm, unannounced". Or simply expressing emotions... It didnt go well because she wasn't the center of everyone's world and didnt have control anymore. That is why she has avoided and made zero effort to be apart of her grandchildren's life. But of course in her mind, we're the mean ones and shes the victim. Because theres an expectation to be kind and respectful.
Some parents are so selfish. They have kids not because they wanted to raise them healthy but because of their selfishness. Using kids for their sake once they will be grown and be able to provide something,then they milked money from them by telling them how they suffered to raise them and so on. It's really common in African and Arabic culture. It's sad but this is the reality.
well..........thats cool an all ....but watch out for the generational repeating hiccups (they come in the form of ...oh-my-ghaa-!?!- my- mother-usta say-THIS-to-me too) .............just sayin
I didn't bother with a letter. After years of being already discarded(long story) I just moved to live with my daughter states away and I am so much happier!! Life is too short to spend time with apathetic people you happen to share dna with. Be with those who want you!! Let the others serve as a life lesson in how not to be
These situations highlight that sometimes things are not how they appear. Sometimes a person is painted as unstable or selfish. Whereas they have been clobbered by a toxic family member and now reacting to it. Topsy-turvey world. Now, I have learnt not to instantly judge others.
I cut off beginning of this year because I was quite literally going insane because of their gas lighting and mind games. That cut off was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still very much in the healing process. Since I cut them off, my business has exponentially grown, I now have international presence and this year is looking to be my strongest year yet. I am 33 years old and finding a new, beautiful way to look at my life. And learning how to be a better father to my daughter. Thanks for these vids!
I cut my family off (with the exception of my dad) back in July. I didn't tell them & they didn't even realize it until my birthday in August when they finally noticed that my Facebook page had been deleted. No one contacted me until the next day & then it was "I tried to wish you a happy birthday, but your Facebook page is gone" I replied something like "I deleted my Facebook page over a month ago. Thank you for the birthday wishes." I haven't heard from them since & couldn't be happier about it.
Staying in a family unit where every good deed you do they rewrite as selfish or attention seeking or fake or a result of being mentally disturbed is soul destroying. That behavior is usually the groundwork laid in toxic families that causes someone to leave because they literally have no choice in order to protect their peace of mind. Such a great and sadly accurate video.
I get called Selfish all the time because sometimes I just don't want to do things, I'm not in the mood to do them for other people. But when I do things for people they seem to forget and want to bring up times that I don't do things for them. I got to the point where I was tired of being used and having things pushed off on me everybody assumed I would just do it last minute.
And then they slander you behind your back calling you "selfish" for leaving them. There is no winning and no closure with these perverse, phony and spiritually backwards people.
I thought I had a settled, warm and loving childhood until I reached my 30’s and faced complete abandonment from both my parents. I’ve reached cut off stage and haven’t had contact with them for nearly a year now. This video helps me see that my childhood was full of ‘looks good on paper’ traits and my life choices didn’t fit that. Your videos are helping me unpick the trauma so that I can rebuild myself in my 40’s. Thank you
I had to cut off my family in the spurt of the moment kind of thing, there was no letter. I was sexually abused by one of my brothers throughout my childhood and teen years. When I told my dad that my abuser shouldn't be living under the same roof as his teenage step-daughter, I saw my family's true colors and I cut them off right there. My intention was to temporarily keep my distance, but as things unfolded and they started placing the responsibility on me, I stayed farther and farther away and started seeing things much more clearly. I didn't even know that what my brother did was sexual abuse. On top of that my mother is schizophrenic and was emotionally unavailable. There was no support there whatsoever. After I cut off my family, my migraines decreased significantly, which makes me think, the emotional and psychological burden of my dysfunctional family was causing them. They still think I made the decision out of anger and resentment. I just know it was the right call.
Same thing with me. Older brother (big age gap) took advantage of me and my innocence. It took years for me to finally figure out what happened. Everyone turned on me instantly when I spoke up. I am in the process of going no contact right now. Absolutely No support. I lost so much in this “family”. I have only seen the base of the mountain of hurt they have caused and have a long way to climb.
I did this with almost all of my family members, starting with my mother. I wish the internet or youtube had been invented at the time I did it. It was a very difficult strugle. Walking away was one of the most difficult, painful and guilt inducing things I have ever done. I was 21 when I walked away from my mother, after years and years of systematic abuse. Now, 32 years later, and after several attempts at reconciliation and finally acceptance, I can say it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have 2 grown children, my son, 28 who never met my mother, and my daughter 20, who met her once. They are both good people, and don't have the baggage I had to overcome. I wouldn't want to have to go through the turmoil again, but I saved myself, and have been able to live a relatively peaceful life.
I am 65yo. My mother died 5 years ago, and I thought I was finally free. I had cut her off for a while, and then tried to have a mature relationship. Last time I saw her, she was screaming at me, telling me that I was "useless." Her screams, as I walked the length of the hospital ward to leave, still echo in my head. Since then, I have discovered she created a family system, and though I was loyal to my siblings, it was completely unrequited. I wish I had done what you did. Sometimes we are given two terrible choices. It is wrong to think there is a good choice. I am reminded of my first daughter... She was going to die. My choice was to chose sooner than later. It is still a terrible choice... If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done the same as you. I was functionally alone anyway. No amount of effort would change anything.
@@fredhubbard7210 it took many many many years to walk away from all of it. We all make decisions. There’s no fault in any decision. You make the best decision you can at time, with the information you have. We don’t know how things will turn out. We have to change the things that hurt us. If walking away saves you even now, save you!
I struggle with what someone commented above "still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them." I always have this anxious feeling of missing out on the 20s (which is no much time left of) with the family member. But I just remember how poorly I was treated by them. They are seemingly behaved now and apologised sincerely a while ago. However I just cannot bring myself to continue a normal relationship. It just doesnt feel right. I still notice some narcissistic things they say and it triggers.
I wrote to family members saying I was taking much needed time off from being my mother's primary caregiver. Within 2 weeks my husband and I were reported to adult protective services (sister/mother/niece involved in this) for elder abuse which resulted in months of being investigated, thousands of dollars on lawyer fees, and eventually there were of course no charges brought against us. The moral of the story....if you decide to communicate your plans/intentions to these types of indivudals be prepared for all hell to break loose. The abandonment rage can be very very destructive.
100%. Same goes for my father while I was still trapped in my late teens-early 20s. After every abusive episode (literally every day) I would threaten him that if he doesn't change, "I will take mom's inheritance and leave" (my mom had passed away, so my father was dealing with his abandonment issues by trying to keep me to himself. He would become worse and worse. I couldn't figure out how the probability of losing his child for ever couldn't improve the situation! Years later I found this amazing article about toxic family members that explained the phenomeno: You can't understand the true depth of those people's toxicity until they realize they are about to lose all control by you walking away.
Yes absolutely. My mother went through the court and got visitation with my kids in her rage. Legal letters left, right and centre. It was a disaster. I learned my lesson that it is much safer to simply slip away.
When he said “forgetful optimism” it was like discovering what I’ve been feeling for so long but couldn’t find the right words to explain… I’ve been in that cycle for 5 years now and am just starting to wake up to the fact that things won’t ever change. It’s like my narc family are constantly dangling the carrot within my reach, and then as soon as I get close enough to grab it, they pull the line away and just repeat that over and over… It’s a constant mind game with them and I’m starting to be more aware of how it affects me mentally and emotionally… I think I’m finally ready to cut ties for good.
You give them understanding, compassion, and acceptance and it's not good enough. That's not what they want. You give them HELL (at the cost of your soul) that's validation! They somehow feel superior. It feels like black mail to contribute to the madness.
In that cycle for 30 loooong years. Break the ties now. NEVER move back close geographically as I stupidly did. Wasted decades of my life. Learn from my forgetful optimism!
For me it became a lot easier to set those boundaries when I reached a point in my healing that I valued my own safety, comfort and happiness over theirs. A reverse of how I was brought up. Now nothing could make me sacrifice myself for their needs and while it's sad to have to cut off, it's hugely beneficial and preferable to staying entangled in that toxic and harmful mess.
I feel like from my experience this is so complicated. I've never felt my family was toxic. The more I got older though I realised I was used to putting on a mask and whenever we discussed my values there was big uproar about it. I was treated as the difficult one. My sister even pointed out that she perceived that I was never really happy because the things I cared about were persistently shut down. My family cut me off from friends who supported my mental wellbeing and I'm slowly starting to realise I need to seperate myself for my own happiness.
Your life will truly start for the first time ever once you completely walk away. This can be so depressing, but it has to be done. Even when I moved away, they still maliciously tried to stay in some sort of contact. Now that I understand narcissism, it's a MUST to NEVER look back.
My abusive parents died suddenly. The rest of the toxic religious family tried to attack me through the justice system. After dealing with lawyers, I just stopped talking, didn't reply to letters and have no social media for them to stalk anymore. They are too ashamed of their behaviour to try and start things face to face. I pray they realize how awful their behaviour has been and they do not deserve to be in my presence anymore. All I want them to know is how damaging and unChristian they truly are, how they've created a nightmare in the family line. I feel good about cutting them off, even though it is difficult to grieve having no family at all, but better none than abusive toxic people. I enjoy being alone and it has given me a lot of perspective to have space of my own realizing that what I grew up with in definitely NOT normal.
Religion & the church leaders only make things worse.They peer group pressure us into helping both financially & physically the family members that treated us like crap
I've tried for years to be good enough for my toxic family... And I'm detaching.. I got into a bad accident and they never asked if I was OK :( it hurts a lot but that was the last straw... No more warm fuzzies from me.
Who Cares I hope youre recovering well. Im here if you need to talk. Mine are the same. I got very ill 2 weeks ago and i thought it was covid. My fever spiked so bad that in my head I actually started accepting this was it for me. My body chills were so bad that my body was spasming. All my mother could say was “thats what you get”
@@MR-kt1vx You got the ordinary flu which doctors are being PAID to call "COVID", along with any other illness that has a fever. Most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!
Yes, understand. I know people are busy, but not once have they bothered , even to call and ask if l've been spared from. this pandemic...Actions speaks volumes.
@ Britt Nicole , sorry for hearing that. It's really shows that they were never concerned about your well being instead of using you for their purpose. Stay strong and please give yourself a good reward by releasing all the pain and hurts that they caused to you.
I let go my siblings over a decade ago. Parents are gone. Siblings were more hurtful in my case, being a youngest of four than the parents. It was a trickle down toxicity effect. The betrayal was deeper and unexpected from my playmates, cohearts. They learned and were groomed to be perpetrators and I a target. And boy did I pull out of the woodwork, friends who acted in a familial way! It took a long time to recover. To stand for being treated well, with reciprocity, healthy communication practices, emotional responsibility etc. I have taught Conscious Relationships Practices, The Language of the Heart and Conflict Resolution Practices for 31 years! I made lemonade out of the lemons! And the good news, as with this video being more accessible to the public, you can heal these pains! You are not stuck with them! Thanks for your great work!
Cut myself off from my very Narcissistic, neglectful and selfish Mother 4 years ago. Did inform her of the cut off and why. Result? She turned almost all my siblings against me, told anyone who would listen how hateful I am and played the victim. Still the BEST thing I ever did for myself.
Telling them calmly and politely that you're needing to take some time apart to work on some things is a litmus test in itself. I got disgustingly insulting voicemails (in the middle of the night!), letters full of abuse and the police sent to my home and workplace. So, the time apart immediately became forever.
Literally the same over here in my world. When I told them how I really felt I was called a slut, whore, and a drug addict (I have to take pain medication occasionally for bad migraines) by my father and mother. They threatened to come to my house, beat up my husband, call CPS on my kids, etc. It was like a light switch went off! My God, these people are crazy and they'll never change.
It's true! A true test of whether or not someone loves you is how they respond to your boundaries. Acceptance should be the bare minimum you receive, not a goal for you to achieve.
My mom just tried to get my husband arrested and threatened to call CPS. She said she said she will do anything to protect herself. This was all I because I told her I was scared of her and that she didn't respect my boundaries with my kids.
My mom showed her true colors when I simply and politely asked her to not call me a name. She got defensive and angry and said she was just joking. She got even more angry when I said that didn't matter. Such an angry response to something so small. I can't imagine what she's going to do when I send a letter.....
My friends get very upset if I speak with my mom. And it's really rare that I speak to her. They're like she treated you so badly how could you even talk to her. Most people understand..
I felt like I needed another mother after I realised what she & others had done & as part of breaking the trauma bond but I have been betrayed so many times by family members so I decided to mother myself. My inner child & I are now a team with my adult self looking after us both. Now I don't feel alone. Also, discovered that my grandmother, father & I & some younger family members are/were probably HSPs - Highly Sense-itive People. My life is so much better. Theresa
@@LaughingGemini do you have a picture of yourself when you were super young? Could you mother that child? What would you do for her/or him? How would you protect if you could, from this point on? Learn to give yourself the" benefit" of the doubt first. Build your trust up within, that you listen to gut before someone or something else.
There is nothing better than really taking good care of yourself in every way. Having a safe,peaceful space, no matter how big,with ur teddy bear. You always deserved that. We all do. Specially the good people.
It really is the hardest thing. Especially around the holidays. But abuse is abuse. Already put up with it way too long for my family. But I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else. So I’m done giving my family a free pass to constantly hurt me. Anyone who wants to treat me like that was never “family” to begin with. They were just people who shared the same bloodline . Blood is only thicker than water Until the water gets turned into wine. So sick of the, “but they’re your family” excuse.
Patrick I love your videos keep them coming. I went no contact 4 years ago and I think it's important for you to tell everyone to prepare for a backlash. Toxic families do not like boundaries or losing control and they're going to try everything that worked on you in the past to get you to fall back into line. For example guilting, passive aggressive conversation, shunning, blaming, flipping the script Etc. They also can say some pretty awful things behind your back. I was not prepared for this backlash, I really thought everyone would understand after I sent a letter. And it's even worse if you have a family that's all about appearances. Thanks again for this wonderful video I draw a lot from them and it's nice to know we're not alone.
They want you back so someone else doesn't have to become the family Whipping Post. They have to put the blame for their own faults on someone and if you aren't there, they can only shift so much blame on you, some things just become far too obvious to onlookers that it's not you who is the problem. Of course, most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!
Definitely. I wasn't prepared for all the OTHER family members I would lose after going No Contact with 2 my birth mother and stepfather, because they were all drinking their KoolAid. That gutted me almost more than having to break from parents. It was so painful and I wasn't prepared for the suicidal feelings to come back either. I'm fine now, by the way, but it was brutal in the aftermath. One by one I could feel the family dynamic shifting as the toxicity and lies were spreading. I finally realized, those are not my family and never were. They never saw me for me or loved me unconditionally. I don't need them. Better off without me. Now I can be free to be me without criticism or belittling or conditions. I am slowly finding my real family and it's beautiful.
@@reesedaniel5835 I’ve seen some who compared the narcissistic tactics of media and whatnot with that of their family system, but not many. Like you say, it’s quite strange. But I guess not really. Look how many people cut off their abusive parents while continuing to live with an abusive spouse who acts just like them. I don’t understand why you’d want to be free from one situation and proceed to be enslaved by another. Bizarre.
My cutoff letter was sent yesterday. I am re-watching these videos for clarity against a feeling of fog. They help enormously. Content like this gives me enormous hope and a different sense of how caring people can be in the world. Patrick, I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. And I wish everyone here healing and peace heading into Christmas.
Everything in this fits my situation. I left during the last clobbering episode and blocked all means of communication - for the first time ever. I didn't announce my cut off bc it happened impulsively. I dont feel like sending a letter bc I have been blamed for being dramatic when I distanced myself after being clobbered in the past. Thing really escalated after I started standing up for myself. My sister used my mom to let me know I would be shunned if I didn't attend her wedding. It was very difficult to see my estranged father who physically abused me (mostly me) horribly. My parents divorced 6m after I got my own place. I think that says a lot about my position. I was the black sheep. When I confronted my sister after the wedding I got blamed for being dramatic, even though I stayed polite and only expressed my disappointment. When I distanced myself from my sister I got blamed by my mother for being dramatic. And when I distanced myself from my mom, my brother did the same. A letter just feels futile at this point. To me this cut off feels permanent.i explained in our last fight why I would disappear for months on end, barely replying. So I don't feel any obligation to do any more announcing.
Yeah I think a letter just fuels their fire because they have to push back against any boundaries and saying "do not contact me" is a huge boundary. They take everything as a slight and offense so to them this would be the biggest one.
Thank you, Patrick, for this spot-on video. The amount of backlash/pushback/persecution you receive when you do the cutoff is indicative of just how abused you have been. I did a cut off (via writing a letter )from the most abusive family members 10 years ago. I did a huge amount of growing and healing. Several years later, I let them back in, thinking that they had changed. I was deceived once again. I went downhill and became suicidal. That was when I realized I had to cut them off forever in order to save my life and that of my loving husband and children. I cut them off again, this time without a letter. Best thing I ever did. And very recently, these videos have given me strength to cut my entire family of origin off, permanently. Like Jesus said, a good tree cannot bring forth bitter fruit, and a bitter tree cannot bring forth good fruit. Patrick is right about the flying monkeys and what he said in another video: “a half safe person is not safe”. We each deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. It’s important to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place & stay there.
I spent the entirety of my young life crushed under the weight of my childhood, the toxicity of my family dynamics and the abuse I regularly suffered. I left home at 14 but kept in contact with my family. It wasn't until I was 28 that I cut all ties. 15 years later I have two degrees, a senior job at a major corporation and more money than I thought I'd make in my lifetime. Taking full ownership of my self gave me the space I needed to explore my potential. If you're family is truly holding you back, LEAVE.
A phrase I’ve been live on for the past few weeks: *The pain of maintaining the status quo is greater than the pain of change.* From an excellent message at my church recently entitled “disrupting dysfunction”.
I've never did a formal cut off from my family but having boundaries with my family has effectively cut them off. They don't want to have much to do with me. They think I am "no fun" because I calmly end conversations when my family speak badly about me or any one else. Once that became established, they don't invite me any more because they consider me a stick in the mud. I've always been boring because I don't drink and don't spend time with my family if alcohol is involved so they don't invite me. My family never contacts me and therefore I rarely contact them. It's unsatisfying and leaves me feeling empty but because they don't engage in ways that are destructive any more, a cut off of course is unnecessary.
Rachel R McBryan i had to check that this wasnt an old comment that i wrote. You literally described me. I don’t drink. Dont smoke. My mother is very ignorant and uneducated. Has no hobbies so she fills her day with talking badly about others. I just told her straight up one day to quit speaking ill of those who werent there to defend themselves. She stopped inviting me to say .. the grocery store or to run errands. My sister loves gossiping with her so she’s become the golden child. Any time I bring up an intellectual conversation, my mother tells me to “quit filling your brain up with things that don’t involve you”. Anytime I ask her for an embrace, she says im “bothering” her... going to go no contact after today. Since last night she kicked me out, telling me I’d never find any support other than from those under her roof.
Thats what I did. My goal was to act with as much personal integrity as possible, which meant to clearly - in a non-blaming, non-dramatic way, state what I needed in the fewest of words. Most of my family of origin ended up dropping me over a few years. I didn’t have to write any letter. After I changed the way I thought, my self love and compassion now included MYSELF- not my family and friends at my expense . The narcissistic people self selected when the realized there was no more supply from me. They quit coming around. They quit inviting me. Some aggressively broke with me over shockingly petty events. Im over 60. It took me a long time to come to terms with all of this. I accept the grief. This video is excellent advice. I do think, if you change yourself, you won’t have to write that letter in many situations. You will be adamantly changed and those changes will become repulsive to the dysfunctional system without any extra effort from you.
@@CristinaAcosta you know... I think my most recent boyfriend did the same thing to me... he broke up with me because I had boundaries. Its like toxic people repellent.
@@CristinaAcosta Thank you for sharing your story and the helpful advice. I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do. But sometimes people have had enough time to realize that their parents won't change and have grown strong and not wanting to put up with it anymore. So they either know they need to just cut off and they do so quietly because a cut off letter can just invite more drama and backstabbing and hurt, etc., or they feel comfortable having limited engagement with their parents and asserting their boundaries and this type of parent can't stand that so IMO it either leads to very short and superficial conversations or to the place of cut off eventually anyway, or like you said, the parents can't stand having boundaries or being called out on their behavior so they are the ones who cut the contact way back. I know that in my own personal life, I moved far away and did what I wanted and my parents seemed to lose interest in me because I wasn't always at their beck and call or engaging in fights and drama with them like I did when I was younger and had to live with them. I had younger siblings who were adopted when I was in college and they became the new focus of my parents' attention and drama source, sadly. I am now nearing 40 years old (!) and one of those younger siblings got married and pregnant and the other apparently lives with his girlfriend and her family most of the time (he is 18 but still in high school) and so I think they have a lack of sufficient drama or supply because they have been up to their old tricks again, trying to be demanding and controlling of me and acting like we are so close that I should just jump when they want to talk, etc., whereas in the past I would only see or talk to them a few times a year but now they are wanting weekly video chats. When I tell them no because I'm busy, they escalate and try to lecture and bully me into paying attention to them and doing what they want. In the meantime I have gone through a lot of therapy and done a lot of research so that intellectually I am able to understand my family of origin and upbringing although this is the first time I have really had to put things to the test in a long time because my parents had mostly been ignoring me because I wasn't that interesting to them. Now that they want something new (again) and shiny or have no other sources of supply and must have noticed and been bothered my absence all of a sudden, I am dealing with the emotions that come with trying to enforce my own boundaries and stand up for myself and I am seeing if they can handle it or if I will have to cut them off. So far it is not going well. The more I resist, the more they push. I have not wanted to cut off and have always tried to maintain some relationship with them but sometimes I wonder why because they have really mistreated me throughout the years and are so selfish and make everything all about them. I start to think I will have some peace if I have to cut them out of my life, although it will also be sad and I'm sure I'll question if I did the right thing. I'm in the stage of trying to make sure I have enforced boundaries and stood up for myself but if that doesn't work then it will be freeing to just concentrate on my own life and my own family unit without having to worry about them or deal with their constant drama or attempts to control me. Best wishes and thank you again for sharing, I found it helpful. I don't think I will send a letter like this to my parents even if I do a cut off because it will just fuel the flame more and is quite frankly more than they even deserve if they can't listen to and respect my simple requests for boundaries. If anything I will likely message/text my dad back and tell him I have told him my boundaries many times but he can't respect them, so don't contact me again. And I will block all avenues of contact so that I don't have to hear his awful reaction to that. (Luckily I live 2,000 miles away so hopefully it is just a matter of blocking means of long distance communication.)
@@anitaharris9243 You said, " I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do." Everyone has to decide for themselves how they want to "cut off" the toxicity. And for some, writing a letter and sending it can be very healing ONLY if there are NO expectations involved, and the sender doesn't care how it is received including if it went straight to the trash can. At that point, the sender of the letter HAS moved on. I can assure you, sending a letter does NOT make one "miserable." It is to each his own and everyone's situation is unique on some level. I wish you healing.
I just cut off my whole family it was hard for me cause I didn't want to feel as if I'm alone but I just had to do it, I used to be a rebel child most of it was from acting up from being sexually abused and my mom not caring, but once I became an adult I started to be responsible, I got married and have NEVER asked for any help so I think I'm doing pretty good for myself, but my family for some reason still hate me, and I have no idea why, I haven't acted out since I was a teen and now I'm almost in my 30s happily married with 2 children, I honestly have no idea what their problem is, and what hurts me the most is my mom lets it happen, she has never stood up for me and most likely never will.
They hate you because you broke free and they cannot control you. They hate themselves too. A happy person doesn't go around making other's lifes miserable. It's not you, it's them. You cannot understand it because you're an empath; they are not but they get the best fuel out of empaths. Like vampires.
@@SandiiCom Fuel is whatever emotions they can get from abusing you; anger, confusion, suffering...any reaction. They emotional vampires. They need to control you and that's why indifference hurt them the most. That's why the grey rock method works but the best is no contact and not having any information about your life if possible. That's why you have to get rid of the flying monkeys. They are their little helpers. Somo of them don't even know they are being used as tools.
Cutting off helped me gain more respect for myself, and it's sad to say I don't miss any one of them. I think the worst thing they did was blame me for my failed relationships when they bred fear and mistrust in me literally from day one!
Safe and free. I’m one year into cutting them off, still trying to rebuild a life but I never thought I could be so happy about the thought of never seeing them again. 😊
thank you for this amazing video! I feel so seen and validated. my father was emotionally and physically abusive throughout my childhood. I remembered being beaten because I can't fall asleep and got slap in the face when he "discipline" me. despite all the violence, I never really realized what's going on. the last straw came when I graduated from college and didn't want to choose the career he approve of. he threatened me that if I don't take the job he will hit me on my face, and as I run into my room, he yelled and bang on my door, told me to get the fuck out. I was completely wrecked since then. the idea that as an adult I am still in this demeaning situation brought up so much shame. I got nightmare every time he call or text me. every time I see him, my body automatically get anxious and alert as if I encountered a bear. sometimes I don't have the strength to get out of the bed. I end up blocking his number completely. these was completely unacceptable to my mother. She accused me of being ungrateful because my father worked very hard to provide a life for us. and since my grandfather used to hit his children, she thinks it's normal and I was the one overreacting. I grew up in a Asian country. my parents always told me, "nobody outside our family will love you, you can only count on us". and they expect me to take care of them when they got old because "no matter what we are your parents", and it's against the law if I don't. I thought about suicide every day. I feel like my whole life is being highjacked, and I am stuck with disgusting people could never live my true life. wow that's a lot of venting. I will try to cut off my mom and live in other tropical city, where the sunshine and sea can make me feel better. to anyone who is reading this, you are not alone❤
Thank you for disclosing that you have personal experience with a toxic family and had to do a cut-off yourself. I'm a therapist and I do disclose to my clients that I have been through this, but I always feel a little conflicted when I do because of the training I received and the general taboo from the profession to not disclose personal information. But having been through so much, and having so much personal experience with my own abusive family, and having had to go through the process of healing, I believe, makes me a better therapist and allows me to help people heal. I have colleagues who don't know anything about narcissistic abuse or family systems. Masters level, and even doctoral programs, don't have this type of training- it's not mainstream by any means. So thankful for UA-cam and all the great therapists out there who are sharing this information and elaborating on this subject. I feel validated that I'm on the right track.
As a patient I can say please don't stop. I can't tell you how reassuring it can be to hear that 1. you're not the only one who experiences that (it can even happen to your therapist = its not because of me) and 2 that your therapist does indeed know, to some extend, what your going through and has some personal experience with that. (Not to say that I'm happy that you experienced it, but when you are in that situation you are just glad to have somebody with you, who is on familiar turf). Especially for people who have vulnerability issues and a hard time opening up during sessions, revealing something of yourself can really alleviate a bit of their inner power struggles. I've needed a long time to come to terms with the power dynamic in the sessions and even now I can reach a point where I feel cornered. But especially in the beginning I had a big problem with the fact that I was supposed to open up my deepest, darkest most hurtful thoughts and experiences to her while she wouldn't even answer to the light question of "How are you?". It felt so unfair and I really didn't like the imbalance in power and vulnerability(especially since it doesn't come very naturally to me). So that was my thought on it, I mean you're the expert but I thought that might be an interessting insight on a patient's perspective and how some might see your vulnerability and why it can be so valuable to express it towards them. Especially since this is usually something someone won't tell you until they are in a place to actually express vulnerability themselfs. Most of us really value those moments of vulberability you show us. It's an honour. Thank you! Keep going and watch your boundaries. -Vanessa
Freud in his arrogance did a huge disservice to the field by blaming the patient and not focussing on trauma and compassion. Keep doing what you do, there is plenty if evidence that this helps more than anythjng Freud prescribed
I have been in the process of slowly cutting myself off from my family. I’m getting in touch with my feelings and letting myself remember the hell ive been through. I’m planning to move to another city as soon as I can.
I just came across this video. I’ve come to a breaking point with my parents. They’ve hurt me for the last time and I know I should have seen it coming. I’ve been cycling through that pattern and I know that I need to escape. I want to do this but I’m so scared and it hurts so much to leave behind my depressed mother. She can’t be helped by me and she is completely controlled by my dad, but I don’t know how to accept that and walk away. I will be discussing this with my therapist this week, but this video finally made me realize what I need to do. And I KNOW that it’s what’s best for me. It just hurts.
This is a wonderful video. I managed a cut off from my parents seventeen yrs ago before I even knew it was a healthy option. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. My children were babies at the time and I knew I needed to stop the abuse for them and me. Over the years I have done therapy off and on. I had healed so much that my childhood was left further and further behind. I do not resemble the young adult I used to be. I have grown that much. Last year my grandmother died, whom I had maintained contact with. At the funeral I saw and spoke to my parents for the first time in decades. Many emotions were brought back to the surface which I am dealing with however, one thing was made abundantly clear; I made the right choice. The cycle of abuse ended because I was willing to walk away even it meant being alone. Every year the pain gets better, trust me. Anyone who is facing this decision, know that you are not alone. You deserve unconditional love. Love yourself enough to walk away.
I want an advice plz! I distanced my self and really felt like i was healing but then i came back to take some stuff from my family house and forget why i was angry in the first place. I forget and i think i delayed my healing. Is there a way to get back on track?
@@mandolaa that forgetting is part of the trauma. Our brain wants us to survive. The trauma of abuse can destroy us. So our brain makes us forget what is dangerous, as a self-preservation strategy. But now that you are on your healing path, it is important to remember why you walked away, and should remain away. The family may also love bomb you into coming back. If you return, you will get stuck deeper. Start journaling your memories with details. Add more details as you remember. Observe how they make you feel. Observe how you feel away from them. Just get the stuff you need for once, and never ever go back. Do things you always wanted to do, but they prevented you.
I was a victim of SA....and told it was my responsibility to protect the abuser and the family. I also was raised with the males chanting, A woman, a dog and a walnut tree...the more you beat them, the better they be. I learned how to box and fight back....I became the evil one in their eyes for standing up and saying IT ENDS NOW! It took me until my teen years to get there...I eventually walked away from some family and NEVER looked back.
My dad's sisters blame me for him going to prison, he was a pedophile. My sister blames me for not having a dad and doesn't believe it happened, not my fault he did what he did. When I get around my step mom and step brother they're always slightly disrespectful towards and of course it's always my fault. I stopped trying to make it work with them, they will always see me as the black sheep of the family. I feel much freer now
Cutting off my family was the greatest thing I could have done for myself. It was not easy, and they tried to guilt trip me for it. In a year's time I was finally able to start healing. It has been 3 years now and I am still healing and getting better everyday. This video was a nice reminder of how far I have come. An immense weight was lifted from my shoulders and being able to have a comfortable life without judgement is so worth the struggle of the escape.
The only person in my family I have a relationship with is my dad. I haven't seen or spoken to my relatives in about 3yrs. Now I can go and make mistakes without being laughed at or put down. Now my space is open for my real true family to come onto my life. Now I am free.
First of all, thank you so much for your videos, it’s kind of like have 24-hour access to a therapist. I did a less formal version of a family cut-off about 8 years ago, after my mother’s memorial service. I decided I was done being manipulated and constantly having to earn my family’s love and acceptance. I had moved across the state, so I just decided to stop making travel plans to visit them. No explanations, I just stopped showing up for holidays, etc and started spending much more enjoyable, less stressful time with my own chosen family and friends. I am still healing, but can now see things much more clearly than I ever have before. The more I learn about trauma and CPTSD, the more things make sense in my own life, and the better able I am to make healthy life choices. Thanks again!
I did a family cutoff over five years ago, almost exactly the way you prescribed, knowing full well they would not understand and that our issues would probably never be resolved. The almost collective response, especially from my father and brothers, was “we do not deserve this”. My mother never responded. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done and spent close to a year in therapy specifically preparing. Since then I continue to be validated and have gained clarity and peace. My marriage and friendships have flourished. I have confidence I never had and have excelled in my professional life. My sister who is much younger than me did reach out merely saying she missed me and loves me - that is all I ever wanted to hear. We are now closer than we have ever been and are able to support one another with love and without judgment. I do encounter the occasional shock or disbelief from others that do not believe I could “reject” my family, but I now know how to make better relationship choices and surround myself with others that uplift me and allow me to reciprocate. Thank you so much for all of your work here. I am positive that this can help so many that do not understand their constant pain and insecurity.
This describes my mother and my two sisters .. I’m so blessed that I saw the truth… my mom and sisters have attacked threatened my career in nursing my boyfriends , my ministry my son , everything I love. And I never learn and it just gets worse they have stolen from me. And that’s the least they r trying to destroy me I came today to the sense that enough is enough at age 43
Everything you said is spot-on. My narc parents will repetitively mention their narc golden child (not me, my narc sis) in front of me almost every day. It's to the point that I hate returning home every day after work, because those 2 narc are living in my house. They will sweetly ask me "How are you doing?" only when they need to exploit me to do something for them. When I don't do what they want, they will talk trash for hours, if not days. Once, they even cursed me to die, for settings boundaries & not enabling their narc favorite daughter anymore. I was like... wtf... For about 9 months, I didn't talk to 1 narc parent & minimal talk to the other one. Man, I find my power back =)
I went no contact 15 months ago. I’ll try to keep this short-ish. First I want to say how grateful I am that I stumbled upon your channel. Therapy absolutely terrifies me. I’m understanding how being raised by a narcissist mother, who repeatedly told me to ‘dry it up’ after I would cry when she had an episode of anger/rage, has affected me my adult life. I’ve been unable to express emotion in front of people that I am not 100% comfortable with (that list is short) When people cry in front of me I panic and get really awkward. Before I could ever speak openly about this, I had to first understand my emotions, and discover myself. I’m now at a point of my healing where I’m comfortable to publicly speak on this. I grew up in a home with a Mother who had a severe case of agoraphobia, panic attacks, and narcissism! Her agoraphobia was so extreme, she DID NOT LEAVE the house! I’m not kidding! She did not leave the house for my entire childhood, up until my early twenties. I’m the 2nd of 6 siblings whom I have no relationship with. Of those siblings.... one has been to prison and is out on parole. Another is currently in jail, awaiting his sentencing and will be headed back to prison. Another is a child abuser and everyone in the family wanted to turn a blind eye. Another, keeps to themselves, don’t know much about her. And the other one, actually has a degree, but never achieved her dream of law school. Mom pitted us against each other our whole life. Now she is working on the grandkids. So help me if she messages one of my children the way she does my nephews. As for me, I’m happily married, have 4 children, my husband owns a company, we do business in 7 states (currently) and growing. We own our home, and are currently working on plans for our dream home. Mom can’t stand when I’m happy, or when I’ve been blessed with opportunities. She doesn’t think I deserved any of my successes. 15 months ago I snapped! I never in all my life spoke to her the way I did that day, omg I felt like a new person! That quickly changed as I went into a spiral of WTF moments, depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, anxiety, realizing that I’ve been suffering from PTSD and panic attacks myself, and so on. I cried for 2 weeks straight. When you’re 37 and realize that what you went through as a child was abuse, it’s a lot to process. Hello inner child how are ya? She was broken. (Side note- it was also around this time that suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were jogging my mind, and holy shit, it’s wild) I just couldn’t understand how a Mother could be so nasty to you your whole life. I never felt loved by her. It kills me to think my own children would ever feel the way I do, about me. Thankfully I am very very in tune with my body, and knew I was hurting myself, I had to take some sort of action. My children needed the best version of me, and they were not getting that! They were getting her! I swallow my pride as I say that. I even can admit that I had narcissistic tendencies. I have taken ownership of my behavior. I had to ‘check myself’. Once I did that I had heart to hearts with my older boys. I told them more about growing up, and how I realized that my childhood traumas never got dealt with and unfortunately they took the brunt of my emotions that I did not know how to handle. I will forever have an ache in my soul for all the years that I could have been better for them, but didn’t know how. I pray they know I love them and that they felt loved! I just hope that I’ve not caused too much trauma for my own. Everyday since no contact has been different. I cry everyday. It’s like grieving a death, but then you remember ‘oh! They’re not dead’. I currently have a fear that I’m gonna get the call that one of them has passed. I know it will come, I’m trying to prepare for it. I don’t know how or if I can. Hopefully I over come my fear of therapy and can understand even more. I do know when I talk to my husband and best friend, it feels good! Sharing this with you all has been freeing. For those wondering about my Dad. Him and Mom have been married for 40+ years. Not talking to him has been devastating! If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. And hugs to you all that are healing, and especially to those who have just realized you were the product of childhood trauma. That generational curse stops NOW!
Holy S***!!! I am so proud of you for OWNing your stuff and stopping the Generational Conditioning - the abusive and destruction for You and your Children!! When you said this: "Thankfully I am very very in tune with my body, and knew I was hurting myself, I had to take some sort of action. My children needed the best version of me, and they were not getting that! They were getting her! I swallow my pride as I say that. I even can admit that I had narcissistic tendencies. I have taken ownership of my behavior. I had to ‘check myself’. " My heart just soared!!! I know how hard this is to do. It hurts and it's confusing. I'm there, too. I have been Mom's favorte all 52 years of my life. Until last year when covid hit. That's what helped to begin my transition to actually SEEING what has been going on between us in a different light. Clearer. It's been messenger chat only during this time because I won't even talk to her on the phone. I used to but it really was too damaging for ME the way she messes everything up and it all feels upside-down all over again. Every call. Then she found her way in to seeing me. I had something of hers that she "needed" back. So, well...she forced the situation into play and I saw her this past Monday for the first time since last October. It was amazing how much damage she wanted to do in the three minutes we were interacting! OMG! I video'd it. For training purposes, of course. When you said you had to 'check myself' - that's exactly what I did that day. Before I left to meet her, I did an email to her to make sure my OWN motives were clear to me. Then I sent it to her. Before I even left the house to go meet her, I sent it. Because I knew that the way she played it to get the meeting, that seeing her wasn't going to be different. And it wasn't. And it hurts that she's so empty inside that she needs to be so destructive. And it's Not My responsibilty anymore because I KNOW it doesn't belong TO ME. I played a part in the co-dependency and I've been changing that during this time. FOR ME. Finally...this time it was really FOR me! I hope that your steps to growth help you to realize every day how NOT like them that you are...you shared! They never would. And I cherish that! It's so valuable and fundamental to our growth and identity. Sending you hugs and a standing ovation!!
I used to get horrible pains in my chest when I even thought about crying, I was repressing it so deep. That almost never happens to me anymore. Its been years. After a lot of work and self reflection on my own I am finally going to therapy and went for a few weeks before really opening up about my family. And its been good. I still make mistakes, I still get anxious, and deal with my feelings about my past. But I've never felt stronger, or more free. I hope you can find a therapist who understands narcissism and find the strength to move on if they don't get it, because its so scary to open up, but you can do it. Nobody can really hurt us as bad as our parents hurt us. That is a very dark painful thing to admit, but also, just know that you can probably take a lot more than you realize, and you have the strength to keep going.
I needed this right now. I didn't tell them this time. This time was super different and I was done. I am mourning them though. Both my daughter, age 12, and I are. Funny, she cut them all off long before I did and I hear them saying saying things like it's me telling her to, etc. I don't know why they think kids are stupid, most of the time they are smarter than us. At least my daughter was.
You are so lucky you have your child. I don't think it's all in teaching them well though. (I'm sure you did but, I also think it's something in the brain wire (from studies I've read). I taught my children well and even cautiously warned of my Mom. My kids got sucked in and I also wonder if it's from the brain wire- biological (I married a narc- go figure, you know, like my Mom) Anyway, they got "it". So, I got away from that husband, didn't understand Mom narcness until too late. Then kids? Such sadness. My heart is broken. You just have to run from these narcs when you finally know. But yet, how can a person run from their children or grandchildren. Just so broken hearted.
Wow, thank you for this. I've been cut off from my family for a couple years now and while I know I feel better being away from them, other people, including my spouse don't understand. I feel guilty, but I also know it's the right thing for me. It's hard. So thank you for reiterating all the reasons why and how this can be a healthy choice.
Yes it's hard because we essentially become adult orphans. And this world is not the same place it was even 20 years ago. This is a time when it would be great to have a strong family support system, which of course, we don't have and never really had to begin with.
3:58. Right there. You nailed it. That loneliness and sadness about not having that "normal" family is deeply profound. Me coming to the realization that certain family members will die before they will ever change brings about a very strong feeling of grief.
Sometimes even if they change, it's after years or decades of abuse. By that point, it's so late and unimportant for the victim, that they might as well have died, the victim feels nothing but indifference and any love inside of her/him has died.
It’s not so lonely when you realise you’ve actually always been alone.
Yes, first I was losing my mind from this loneliness , from my unconscious patterns to stuck with ppl who do not give a sh*t about our relationship. Lately I started to feel okay being alone
@@mohammedessam4969 you’ll do well and you’ll get through it…. and you now have the chance for peace, to shine and be happy….there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙏 💕 🕊
@mohammedessam4969 Yes being alone isn't the same as being lonely. During the first lockdown I didn't feel so lonely as I had detoxed from toxic and malevolent people. There is nothing worse than be surrounded by people who don't really see you and don't want to listen to you. Or they half listen to you and respond to what they thought thet heard or wanted to hear. I am sick and tire of having to explain everything three times because they didn't listen properly the first time.
That is very true
Wow, so true, thanks for the insight!
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.👍
😂😂😂
Haha😂😂
Gold! lol
Lmao, I’m so using this 🤣
Hahaha, nice. I thought you was going to say "because they only think about themselves' xD
"people who are committed to misunderstanding you" - what an insightful phrase
Wow! Yes!! (Time stamp around 10:00)
I literally just wrote it down. Such an accurate statement!
I came here because of this comment .. this is exactly what I experience on a day to day basis
My family is like that hypocritical, gossip about me.
@Commander Graham dealt with that too much. Plan to be self employed people just treat me worse than a piece of trash in most of my workplaces due to mental and physical health issues
Some say goodbye and never leave; I leave and never say goodbye
"But they're your family..." no they are not. I hate it when people say this. They just don't get it.
No, it's as difficult to understand color blindness if you're not afflicted by it. I have to watch the comparisons to understand the olive-colored (or pink-tinted) world they live in. Example: ua-cam.com/video/GCQE1U2EQ_4/v-deo.html
I agree it is painful to explain the toxicity because it is a taboo. I have been castaway when I am no longer needed and called when they need to validate their conscious. Enough is enough.
These are the same people who have decent to perfect families OR they’re submissive to their family abuse. At the end of the day, both ends lack empathy and consideration of your mental health
They're not your family. They are enemies who literally want to destroy your life.
AGREED!! They do not understand it. Or they dismiss the behaviors from their own family thinking that it's okay---behaviors that we wouldn't put up with. I always say, if you wouldn't let a stranger treat you that way, why should you let your family?
"Do they know who you are vs. their story about you?" Wow!
hit too close to home
Nope!
I burst out into tears when he said that. It really hit hard.
✔✔✔👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
Yes, the reason for my falling out with my parents is because they just will NOT STOP calling me paranoid. I'm not paranoid.
I realized after many years, that my family does not even miss me much as I went limited contact and moved a few states away. The only thing they miss is my placeholder as a scapegoat in their lives.
Yes, when I moved 2 states away they had to find a new punching bag. I had to
save myself. While waiting on my divorce they lured me back, didn't go well,
had to leave and stay far to keep my kids from same demise. Try to connect
with siblings occasionally but only for short events as I realize narcissism
and sociopaths run through my siblings, no hope for them now, I always feel worse about myself when I leave away from a visit.
@@nowuknow3964 Feeling worse about yourself after a visit is so important to notice. I had to be away for years to even notice that feeling...
I was the scapegoat...and I knew my absence would be too much for my narc mother and she eventually selected a new scapegoat victim.
@@nowuknow3964 this is my exact story! I go threw the same so I just visti to see mom. I won't go visit any one else! It is pointless and more harm to my self doing so
Writing the letter is giving the narcissist more supply and opening yourself up to more abuse that you will have to fend off. Writing an emotionally intelligent and coherent letter to a narcissist is like trying to communicate trigonometry to an infant. Save yourself from this and just do the cut off without the letter. Let your silence speak for you.
Agreed
You have a point, however... I got rid of my narcissist psicopath father by writing him a one page letter and stating point by point why I was cutting ties with him. I don't care if he understood it or not but getting all that out of my chest felt GREAT, it was somewhat cathartic and therapeutic for me. After 10 years he got back to me asking for forgiveness because he had cancer and "had reflected on his life mistakes" (near death experiences usually change people's view of life). I decided to open "a channel of communication with him" while fully protecting myself (challenging, I know). I now see him as a sick man who had a terrible emotional upbringing and feel sorry for him. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents.
💯
That is such a great analogy. I find it amazing how many times I tried to reason with my mother, kept getting the same reaction and still went back for more. 2+ years now. Still pains me but there is no winning.
I will have to do it that way...A letter would put me at risk of receiving evil treatment and the worst guilt trip and talking behind my back that I can imagine or handle...
I cut off my family almost 10 years ago and still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them. It’s truly heartbreaking. It was on the verge of suicide right before I took the leap and moved to another continent. And it’s not that I wanted to die. I wanted to not be with them. And cutting them off definitely saved my life.
I understand completely only in my way. I can only hope you're doing well.
Sometimes that's the only way. You did good. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, so I can relate. I wanted to end my life too. It was too much noise and drama for me to handle. Instead, I just cut a lot of people off. They now know not to call me or approach me. My complete silence of not bothering with what they say or do finally paid off. I just don't respond or even look at them (if I ever come across them at a shopping center or some random public event...). They finally learned after 6 years that I'll get the law involved for harassment.
I too left country & eventually stopped contact. It saved my sanity. It took years to get over the guilt, but I am now at peace. 💗
I'm amazed at how well I understand, and hate that so many people relate to this feeling/story. I hate that realizing they were what was killing me (driving me toward suicide) is what saved my life. I'm also moving to another continent next year. Got a full legal name change too. I hope you're doing well. ♥
@@jasminewillingham4326 That is a huge move! Congrats on moving! Self love is my number one priority. I am doing ok
What is hardest about making the decision to break with your family is acknowledging that you really don't have one. You are already cut off, on your own in the world. Someone once said of my family, "They'll never love you no matter what you do." At the time that hit me like a punch to the gut, but once I accepted it (and it took a very long time), my life became possible.
Yup
Thank you that is exactly it the hardest part is realizing that you never really had a family and they never loved you. It's 3 years of NC for me the best thing I've done but it doesn't change the fact that I never had a loving healthy family.
How long did it take you to accept that your family will never love you?
@@Careabouttheimportantthings It took years. I had to realize that the abuse was abuse and I had never deserved to be treated as I was. The recently available books, videos and other resources on narcissistic parents were eye-opening.
@@EarInn Ok, thanks for your answer. What country are you from if I may ask? I ask because I might have experienced some narcisstic people but there were also excuses made because of "culture".
I had to cut off the “but they’re your family” friends too lol. Definitely helps to be surrounded by an authentically loving, supportive, and understanding network that doesn’t pull moral judgments on something as serious as cutting off a traumatic family of origin. So liberating.
Hugs of support. I get it.
How did you find those supportive people?
I am not planning to cut off totally from my family, but keep a big distance. However, I need to change the types of friends. I think I start cutting off a certain kind of friends.
For my family, I feel compassion when I know how things are.
Autumnpix Indian?
Meetup is a good app
Also could find an abuse anonymous
@@sannajohanna5579 Sometimes you'll find someone willing to listen which is great, but I'm aware I have some friends just can't listen patiently as they don't get it. They see the surface level of family and that's all. They have no idea how damaging and non-repairable some people or events are.
I have a group of friends each lovely in a different way. I have to remember which people can handle certain topics, because they may still be nice but not knowledgable in that specific area. I don't want to feel hurt by their shutting me down. I can be responsible to tell them how I feel by their response. Give them a chance to consider my view and take it from there.
A good friend will try to understand or adjust... :) But I accept without insight I can't be too mad, a little sad but give them kudos for other things they do well.
I LOVE it when I find someone who has been through similar things and totally relates!! That is so helpful. But we have to realise there aren't very many that you meet day to day. But a support group or online group also helps you see you're not alone.
To anyone reading this, do it. He might as well have been talking about my family. Cutting them off is one of the hardest things I ever did, and one of the best things that I ever did. It's been 10 years, and I'm not sorry for a minute. I believe it saved my life. It will be awful in the beginning, but you'll start to grow as a person and feel free like you never have before. Keep on educating yourself and get the hell out....
@@wendywhoisit1819 My bad, I should have been more clear. I didn't mean to address anyone/everyone reading the post that they should separate from their family. I was definitely addressing members of abusive families. The video wasn't referring to simple differences of opinion and lifestyle between family members, it was referring to individuals who are in an abusive family system. In that context, showing patience and understanding to abusive and narcissistic people can cost you your happiness, health, and/or your life. At the very least, someone considering going no contact NEEDS TO GET DISTANCE AND ESTABLISH SAFTEY as soon as possible.
If a person's family truly is abusive and narcissistic I would still advise them to go no contact. Even if those are the only people that he or she has in the world, being alone is better than being slowly drained and broken down over time until you are simply an empty, miserable shell of a human being. I have seen it many times so no, I am not exaggerating. And yes they are doing it on purpose...They do it in order to maintain control, and the odds of them ever stopping are effectively zero. I'm not talking about people with family problems and normal conflict. I am talking about abusive families. Please stay safe.
Wendy Whoisit
Glad you’re not teaching the class.
Saved my life too. The sun came out -- finally.
Yay!!!
25 years ago, best move of my life.
@@koolbeans8292 You clearly underestimate/don't understand what separating from people who love you for petty reasons can do to people. Sometimes it's too late to go back because people aren't around forever. You need to learn to tell difference between petty reasons and abuse. What is described in the video is clearly abuse. But it's important to point out that not EVERYONE should separate from their family because of small disagreements.
Wendy Whoisit
Still glad you aren’t teaching the class.
Duct tape helps. And a chair.
“People who are committed to misunderstanding you”
Lightbulb moment.
@ Marla- Talk about a light bulb moment. How 'bout a 5 chandelier moment? 😊
Why is it all about love and family when they demand you forgive their abuse but never about love and family when they are abusing you.
Cut off my family 40 years ago. Never looked back. No more upsets, or bullying. It felt like freedom.
When I was 27 I took my daughter and moved to the opposite coast from where I grew up to get away from my family. I knew no one. Best thing I did.
I just cut my family off. Did they notice? No they didn’t, until that is, they wanted something like a birthday card/present.
My family very fake and backstabbing. Can't be around them anymore. Signed the scapegoat
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
I just had an argument with the narcissist.Narcissists should be isolated as they are harmful to someone's sanity.What about placing them all in an island?
I can't stand the trauma...Hope to be away from my toxic mother...
Narcissistic parents can take away your confidence, independence and creativity....
@@lilac624 how old were you when you realized this
"You have mommy/daddy issues and you just want attention.."
"You declared war on the entire family and dont come around because you want attention and everyone focused on your selfish behind. It's your way,or no way"
"You have always been a troubled child..."
They (extended family and friends) will be dirty and come around,or call you pretending they are empathetic towards you, to hear your side of the story are just trying to understand, then hit you with Insults and put downs something like that... Then hang up in your face or walk off..
Immediate family will just play dumb about why you walked..
You don't have any allies in that type of environment..
No real friends either, because most likely,because of your up bringing,you did a piss poor job of choosing friends..
Just clean house and get them all out of your life....
Yep.
..."you just want attention" ...that sentence describes exactly their responses towards me. Why writing a letter?
When I was young I thought no one understood me; it took me decades to admit no one did care to listen.
OMG@@LyrielonwindI didn't have that insight yet.. It's not that I can not be understood, it's that they never tried to🤯. Thank you sharing that insight! 🤯🤯
Wauw, It really resonates with me. It also hurts a little, but in a helpful way because it makes sense.
"because of your up bringing,you did a piss poor job of choosing friends" - ouch, why did you have say that? 😭😭😂
I'm preparing for this and I'm so sad that its come to this. But I have to choose myself
I’m with u .. I been so sad and hurt that I feel this way but it’s so toxic , dysfunctional, it’s effecting my mental health and emotional
me too... it is sad.
I’m in the same boat, my heart is with all of you. This is brutal but necessary. Sending love 💓
sometimes you have to do this for yourself and then they'll see what's important to you and if they care and love you for you then it will be important to them and will try to help you reach your goal.
Yes you do! 🙏🏽... I hope you find the peace you deserve
I cut my whole family, nieces and nephews alike. Why would I foster children of the siblings who believed Id grow up to be a menace and regard me still in that way at 49 years old.
I put in my time;
I paid my way;
I owe them nothing
If the children come forth I have been open because it's the married into the family that are non toxic and the relationships are growing well.
I know what you mean time to get the bs away f ck them
Yep, at 28 I’m finally doing this myself, because I was prevented from leaving because I’m “retarded” or “mentally unwell” while I’m not allowed to have my items stolen, broken or thrown away. So I issued my warning and went from there.
When I was 22 at university, I decided the cut off during a phone call to my mother where she was bitching yet again on decisions that I made for myself. I ended the phone call with : "ok", " I heard you", "yep", "ok bye". I moved dorms and I didn't call again for 3 years. And now I can be around her a maximum of 3 times a year for 1 hour and some short phone calls once a month where I enquire about her health and let her talk. I don't share anything major that is going on in my life.
I’m 22 and want to cut off my dad. After those three years how did you guys start talking again? Did you initiate? Also, does the guilt ever die down?
@@hippieprincess I did not have any guilt. I was however very resentfull that I wasn't blessed with kind and caring parents. That took a while to come to terms with. I contacted her after family informed me she had done some big changes in her life. But I still have to keep my distance.
Cried the whole way through this. Felt as if someone had read my diary. Husband just sat next to me and held my hand nodding the whole time. Thank you for validating what I’ve been trying to deny for so many years.
Lucky you that you have a husband who will hold your hand... The rest of us have to make this difficult decision and face the heartache alone...
Good husband.
Can I ask a question? I'm sorry if this sounds too personal. But did your parents approve of your spouse? I really want to have hope for my future, in case they start to guilt trip me with culture & religion to have a say on my choices
@@llsss777 no they didn’t. But I’ve realized over time that we have different values and hold our morals to different standards. I hope you continue to know that regardless of what you do, you are not responsible for how your parents choose to respond. Their behavior is their own responsibility, and only they can be held accountable for that.
It’s beautiful that you‘re waking up to it. It‘s a huge win for you, although it feels like a loss. You‘ve got this, I believe in you.
I have to do this while I’m homeless... but I’m a future somebody
- Future Renee
👊💙
I did when I was homeless, too. Actually that is the best time in your life you can do it. No stalking or crazy trials of getting back into contact can happen when they don't have your address. I hated being homeless but they didn't care about me. They just wanted to get money out of my situation and called me to threaten kill my cat or destroy the family piano I wanted to have. So I just got there once to pick up the most important things for me and I was gone forever to them. They tried to force me to get new contact by threatening to throw things away but I don't care about things anymore and the mails were kind of ignored by me. Just be strong and build up a new nice family! You can do this and it was the most healing time for me to live in my car/tent for some time just on my own. I read a lot and thanks to some friendships I made in the past I could get back into a home and overcome my new handicap that was the beginning of my misery. I started studying the Bible and I am sure that you will find your way back into an even happier life after this!
You are somebody right now; I hope you're rehoused soon 💟
Just think of it this way.. if you had a non crazy making family, would you be homeless? More likely you wouldn’t be. Take care of yourself now, so future Renee will thrive, not just survive. ❤️
Sending strength to current Renee, congratulations to future Renee, Renee you are amazing!
I was the appendix in my family used and discarded like a piece of trash. Then they ask me why I treat them like the plague. They're unable to self-reflect.
I’ve had to complete cut my entire family off. It was extremely difficult, but after 50 years I’ve finally done it and feel safe and free now♥️
Good for you. How are things now?
Great inspiration. Thank you!!!!!!!
my family is SO INVESTED in obeying the Nutty relatives, I had to cut iff MORE THAN ONE!
my family FAILED to help on trash day.. then TRASHED ME ( I did it " wrong")! to cut them off is to WIN. Losing them is NO LOSS!!!!!
I walked away and went no contact with the entire dysfunctional family. .no letter. .no explanation..my silence and absence did that!..thank you..blessings..💜
I did that today! Feels hella good 😊
Wish you the best on your better life!
I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄
I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄
The realisation that my Father is a narcissist was liberating. But it's also overwhelmingly sad and confusing to have to grieve for a person and a relationship that never was.
The signs were always there. I just didn't want to believe it.
It was easier to believe that everything was my fault.
The sheer terror of being completely alone without a family subsides when I realise that.
I have always been alone.
The loneliest I've ever felt in my life was at family functions.
I can relate it just happened to be my mom and my dad killed himself cuz he couldn’t take it anymore I always would trip that shes all I have left but like you said We always been alone
Oh yeah I get that! 👏✋✌
Just a friendly reminder-- you are not alone. There are many of us who see you, hear you. Your tribe isn't always made up of your family-of-origin. Blessings from your Soul-Kin in Oakland, California!
Exactly
I didn’t invite three of my four sisters to my wedding because I knew they would ruin it for me. Best thing I ever did. They are still a little mad at me but it was the best day of my life and I am so happy.
Boundaries are the best!! Congratulations for your strength!
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 claps to you for choosing your peace !
Yaaaaaay!
Smart move!!! Congratulations 🎈🎉🎊🍾
Wise 👍
And if friends say "but it's your parents" I ask them "you think now I have to give them back what they've given me?" And when they say "yes" then I reply "that will be kind of hard for them because in that case I have to beat them every day until they're laying on the floor crying"!
After that answer those friends never talked about it anymore 😂
In my case it would be to verbally abuse daily until I'd go to my room in tears and then tell her friends how I am an over-emotional child. I learned how to bury my tears and hide my hopes and dreams inside my heart so they wouldn't be stomped on. It was a lonely time.
“But they’re your parents.” Fuck friends off who say this. Fuck them right off, they’re not true friends and they’re not good to be around. Get new friends. Once you’re removed from all of that and you’re finally able to be your authentic self you will be very surprised at how easy it is to make new friends with people who are truly wonderful, joy inspiring people.
You forgot no food no water dirty clothes and strange school days followed by involuntary stays in mental wards followed by well that never happened. Yeah I've been there too but with no proof since juvenile records are sealed I can't sue the whole state for my PTSD life is an illusion.
Both my mom and I were scapegoats in our family. After my mother died, the toxic behaviors of my siblings increased. The cut off was when my cousin unwittingly clued me in. She told me she hated the way my mother was treated (which was very bad and cruel to her they were always putting her down and belittling her to her face and behind her back), and she noted that now that our mother was dead, my siblings moved me into her spot. I was always treated poorly, but it was really amping up. After my cousin's revelation I ended up in an argument with my siblings that made it clear where I stood. I told my sister I needed her to give me space because I was upset. She refused and kept calling. My other lied to other family members about our argument. Luckily I live very far away from them. I changed my phone number and shut my email account. It has been almost 12 years now and though I still have a lot of trauma to work through, I am doing so much better now. A message I received from my sister is that I should be ashamed for my lack of forgiveness. And lastly that she doesn't understand what she did wrong. I don't owe them explanation. I can forgive. Forgiveness is onesided. I will not ever reconcile with them. Period.
Gosh I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of that, it sounds so tough. I hope you're doing well these days 💗
My situation got worse when my co-dependant father died. Everything accelerated, as before my father's death, he was the peace keeper and did whatever my mother told him. My siblings all panderef to my mother, and ganged up against me. They've now reeled in the extended family as well as family fritnds. I've been no contact for nearly two years now. So much relief but also guilt.
You seem very emotionally intelligent and clear headed. 😊
People can forgive, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in Relationship with that hurtful person. I’ve forgiven, but I cannot ever forget, or I’ll be right back to being their punching bag
I read this and said to myself I could’ve written it. Wow this hit close to home for me.
thanks for this common and the explanation of your experience.
Best thing I did years ago was cut out my toxic, abusive parents. No longer am I their punching bag. Thank you for the work you do, Patrick.
My family uses the "honor thy mother and father" verse on me as an absolute reason for me to fall in line. I have been called dramatic for creating healthy boundaries for me and my family. I have been slandered, have feared for my safety and shamed. As I begin to separate and heal I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I definitely suffer from "forgetful optimism" from time to time and totally identify with how it feels to be "clobbered" but know that I have to move on for the health of my own family. I am breaking the cycle here and now. Thank you!!
Bible. Ephesians 6:4
[4]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Honoring is about not doing things to hurt them or family reputation by doing bad unGodly actions, outside or in the home. Honor that they are your parents, but they are not entitled to abuse you for their purpose. They are abusing the word of God. They are not pleasing God with this type of abuse toward you.
Jesus was a hippie. He spoke against authorities and left society and his own family and said “who is my mother or father... these (points to disciples/friends) are my mother and father (my family)”
Friends are my family too
I love Rabbi Danya's take on how that wasn't supposed to be a club to beat over children's heads and your mental health always comes first.
Ready to get mind blown? I’m big on learning the Hebrew roots of words, because I feel like it’s a more direct translation. The Hebrew meaning of the word commonly translated as honor actually means “to give weight to”.
For years! I thought I didn’t “honor my father and mother” - I thought that my noncompliance to their abuse meant that. But reading the real meaning, I realized I had always given them weight... Too much so, because they are not of the light, and they are not of the God of Love.
When my dad told me to kill myself, I considered it. When my mom told me in so many ways that I was worthless, I thought maybe she’s right. But then I realized God doesn’t see us that way, not even close. It breaks the heart of Spirit to see how parents murder their children with their words...
If you have EVER been abused by your parents and it’s impacted you, you have actually given them weight. Once you realize they are not of the light, are not from God, you are free to release yourself from them... Do not let fear keep you imprisoned.
Hope this helps. 💗 You are a child of God... You are loved... Even if it’s not from who you think it’ll be from, and even if it doesn’t happen in the way you expect, you will thrive. 🙏
@@thecannon3448 Yes! Thank you - I need to revisit that part of the story again, & hope it sinks in!...
i like how you mentioned that other cultures may not accept this to be a norm - i come from Southeast Asia and it was a very tough decision for me to break away from my own family 5 years ago. I read, listened and watched a lot of resources with regards to childhood abuse and toxic families to try and understand what exactly happened to me. Till this day, my dad is still gas lighting me and denying all the abuses that had happened because according to him, i'm the weird one and possibly insane. it's tough cos in an Asian community, filial piety is held in high regard and my very act of leaving home is seen as defiance and nothing more. I hate it that in many people's eyes - Asian parents can do no wrong, that they are authority figures and that they know what's best for the kids but nobody sees what happens behind closed doors - the violent beatings, the verbal insults, the sexual assaults, the grooming, the threats and the shaming.
And the insane thing is despite all these, Asian society still thinks that these very children - who have already grown up to be adults must fulfill their obligatory duties to their parents by taking care of them during old age. Adult children who have internalized all these abuses, and then act out all these abuses in one way or another - either on their loved ones, their own children, their friends and then having nowhere else to turn to. It's a frickin' cycle.
Unfortunately, the law still protects the elderly parents because elderly parents can sue adult children for not supporting them. But if adult children were to make a case for childhood abuse, it's almost impossible and often a lengthy process.
*Sorry for the rant, just need to get this off my chest
@no bot thank you for your comment! It's nice to know that you have spent some time in Asia
I think child abuse is not often talked about in Asia because of several reasons, probably too many to list in 1 single comment. But if I were to narrow it down to 2 reasons, it would be 1) Children were taught that they owe their lives to their parents just by virtue of being born into this world. (Cos if the parents didn't give birth to them and give them basic needs, where would the children be?). So, if the parents were to abuse the children, the children will most likely feel guilty and find it difficult to speak up about the abuse. 2) Whatever happens in the household stays within the four walls of the household. It's considered shameful to air your family's dirty laundry to the world. And even if some other adults (neighbour, family friend, colleague) might have witnessed some kind of abuse happening to the children, some would keep quiet because it's "their family's business".
Again, both reasons vary with a certain degree of context.
I hope that one day, we can have a conversation about child abuse and child protection in Asia so that more survivors can come out, speak up and begin their healing asap.
@@idconfirm Thank you for speaking up your truth. I am from Asian and I can 100% relate. every word of it. I am thinking abt a family cut-off, it seems impossible. I guess what I am trying to say is that,its good to know that I am not alone.
I'm an African-Arab and I can relate to every single word you said, there are a lot of similarities between our cultures. I have a very toxic and abusive family, My question to you as someone who already took this experience, how have you dealt with the guilt feeling of leaving your family because only thinking of taking the decision of the " cut Off" I feel guilty already? its like I'm abandoning them despite all the bad thing they did and still doing to me. (sorry English is not my first language)
Leave. There is peace and happiness out there. Believe in yourself and go forward. Do not let your mind put you back
That sounds really tough. I can't imagine what it must be like for strangers to make a judgment on what kind of daughter you are based only on where you live.
I am an only child of narcissistic parents. I went no contact last month. It feels incredibly freeing. I feel like a huge weight is off me.
One year later, still no contact!
@@JonathonDenson Good for you! I overcame life-long issues once I finally went No Contact. It was the only way to heal.
Good for you!! I felt pretty immediate relief also. It's not selfish, it's self preservation. You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Stay strong and discover how sweet life is without the negativity, toxicity and chaos.
Congratulations:)
I’m about to do that as well as an only child of narc parents. I just got told I was cut out of the will!
Remember that writing a letter can be healing without actually sending it to said toxic person(s). Protect your heart. Not everyone deserves an explanation and you have the right to remain silent 🙏🏻
^^^
I did a cutoff several years ago from my borderline mother and sister. I made great progress in the five years apart - I was able to quit alcohol and lost over 100lbs. I re-established connection with them eventually but after two years all the toxic elements have returned and I regret reuniting with them. I think it's time for another cutoff and maybe this time for good.
Well you tried. You did what you could. And now you know and can feel good about you
I encourage you to do what's best for you!
I relate, I did a similar thing (unofficially) the pandemic helped and then I went back into the toxic situation & I got re-traumatized, huge setback in my emotional well being and physical health (gained 100 pounds) and now seeing the truth of the situation. Compassion for yourself, I think the education of what what really is happening is key to continuing to honor & respect healthy boundaries we make for ourselves.
@@YourSelfCare_Sophia Yes, understanding and education is key. Good for you that you figured out the toxic situation in your life. I sometimes struggle with the break-off from my family but I remind myself there are so many great people in this world to build healthy relationships with. Best of luck!
Due to flying monkeys, and our own inability to recognize them as that, until its too late, I would not recommend sending a letter to anyone. Maybe writing the letter to yourself, for yourself, but not sending it would be better.
I agree
I agree. In some cases it adds more fuel to the fire.
Great advice, I wish I'd known more 10 yrs ago when I went no contact. Visit me here, everyone is welcome.
Yes!! See my comment (written before I read yours)
@@AK-yx3qf Agree 100%. Every situation is so different, I sent a letter to each family member, same letter, explaining exactly why I was leaving, that I still loved them all, and they were welcome to visit me anytime with a call in advance. Nothing. 2 yrs later my younger brother called, said it wasn't the same without me. They had no one to ridicule anymore. Told him I wasn't coming back to their family gatherings regardless. He said he loved me, I said the same, not a peep from any of them since. 2 yrs ago, learned by accident, my only living grandmother had passed 2 months prior. Nobody notified me of sickness, death, funeral, nothing. We had been close. Attended her church many times on holidays, all of my other grandparents funerals. It crushed me they could be so cold. So here I am. I'll be hoping that you will get that distance you need to make things more clear, and be more free to move on and find peace. Take good care.
The hardest thing I ever had to deal with was realizing my family didn't really love me or want the best for me - but kept me around because what I could do for them - did it hurt - more than you know
But once I came to terms with it and let them go - it was so freeing - like a weight had been lifted from me - which made it easier for me to accomplish the things I wanted to/ made me happy
Bonus - have almost no drama in my life
Looking back wish I hadn't been so afraid and done it sooner
I understand exactly. Another thing I’ve learned, they are not capable of love they don’t have it in them to give. Be thankful that you do and it’s not for nothing because it makes you the person you are today. Strong sincere and kind. Always choose love cause that’s who you are.
Thank you - that helps more than you know. Have a wonderful day
I feel exactly the same. I waited way too long to just end the misery. I was 59 years old before I decided I had enough. They were never going to change and I had to do the changing myself.
@@ruby-qv5bd never too late
Truth!! I feel this 💯% I've been NC for the 2nd (and final time) for almost a year and my life has improved SO MUCH! I feel like I can finally think clearly for the first time in my life. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and we are going to start a family of our own. And those poor toxic folks I used to call family will know NOTHING of our children. They don't know where I work, they don't know where I live. I have no social media anymore, so they cannot stalk me. They text me occasionally in but I do not respond. It's liberating!!!
uhg. Im 35 and I just cut my mom off today. I am grieving the dream. I chased the dream so long. Like, my whole life. She doesnt want to work with me to reconcile and be accountable for the abuse she has inflicted on me and my siblings.
I have a toddler now. I really thought that she had an option to just simply be an awesome grandma and my kid would never even need to know what a horrible parent she is. She doesnt want to be a grandparent. Its almost as tho she lives in a totally different reality. Theres no point in saying anything to her, verbally or written because she projects so hard she will literally reply to something I did not say.
Anyways. Sorry all of you had parents who made you feel like you were nothing, that you were only precious to them when it made them look good. Im sorry they dont see you.
I get you. Big hugs
@kbail Similarly, it was my wife that initiated true boundaries with my mother and us. I was used to avoiding or caretaking her to dodge the worst reactions... and was just used to our toxic, codependent relationship. No healthy partner is going to want to share their life with that. It was scary for me, to push back, to say "no, you need to knock on my house door before coming in at 11pm, unannounced". Or simply expressing emotions... It didnt go well because she wasn't the center of everyone's world and didnt have control anymore. That is why she has avoided and made zero effort to be apart of her grandchildren's life. But of course in her mind, we're the mean ones and shes the victim. Because theres an expectation to be kind and respectful.
Some parents are so selfish. They have kids not because they wanted to raise them healthy but because of their selfishness. Using kids for their sake once they will be grown and be able to provide something,then they milked money from them by telling them how they suffered to raise them and so on. It's really common in African and Arabic culture. It's sad but this is the reality.
well..........thats cool an all ....but watch out for the generational repeating hiccups (they come in the form of ...oh-my-ghaa-!?!- my- mother-usta say-THIS-to-me too) .............just sayin
Thank you xox
I didn't bother with a letter. After years of being already discarded(long story) I just moved to live with my daughter states away and I am so much happier!! Life is too short to spend time with apathetic people you happen to share dna with. Be with those who want you!! Let the others serve as a life lesson in how not to be
Inspirational! Going through this myself atm. Thank you.
Perfectly said
These situations highlight that sometimes things are not how they appear. Sometimes a person is painted as unstable or selfish. Whereas they have been clobbered by a toxic family member and now reacting to it. Topsy-turvey world. Now, I have learnt not to instantly judge others.
As a targeted individual involved in a similar family dynamic, this truly resonated with me. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Yes my cousin hurt me and then when I reacted my family made it seem like I'm the problem that I need to see a psychologist. Just wow.
It's a variation on gaslighting. and flying monkeys. Everyone gets bamboozled.
I cut off beginning of this year because I was quite literally going insane because of their gas lighting and mind games. That cut off was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still very much in the healing process. Since I cut them off, my business has exponentially grown, I now have international presence and this year is looking to be my strongest year yet. I am 33 years old and finding a new, beautiful way to look at my life. And learning how to be a better father to my daughter. Thanks for these vids!
Congrats so happy things have improved exponentially for you. This is really encouraging.
That is beautiful!
that's really encouraging to read, happy for you. I just cut off my entire family and the pain is so real.
beautiful thank you. such an inspiration.
I cut my family off (with the exception of my dad) back in July. I didn't tell them & they didn't even realize it until my birthday in August when they finally noticed that my Facebook page had been deleted. No one contacted me until the next day & then it was "I tried to wish you a happy birthday, but your Facebook page is gone" I replied something like "I deleted my Facebook page over a month ago. Thank you for the birthday wishes." I haven't heard from them since & couldn't be happier about it.
Good 😅😅same here
Staying in a family unit where every good deed you do they rewrite as selfish or attention seeking or fake or a result of being mentally disturbed is soul destroying. That behavior is usually the groundwork laid in toxic families that causes someone to leave because they literally have no choice in order to protect their peace of mind. Such a great and sadly accurate video.
I get called Selfish all the time because sometimes I just don't want to do things, I'm not in the mood to do them for other people. But when I do things for people they seem to forget and want to bring up times that I don't do things for them. I got to the point where I was tired of being used and having things pushed off on me everybody assumed I would just do it last minute.
And then they slander you behind your back calling you "selfish" for leaving them. There is no winning and no closure with these perverse, phony and spiritually backwards people.
I hear you.
@Anon Anon are you able to email or text
Heard stuff from the horses mouth keep him away he is no good
THEY DON'T DESERVE A LETTER. MY CUT OFF AND GHOSTING SAYS ENOUGH. BUT, THANK YOU ❤❤❤💯🎯
I thought I had a settled, warm and loving childhood until I reached my 30’s and faced complete abandonment from both my parents. I’ve reached cut off stage and haven’t had contact with them for nearly a year now. This video helps me see that my childhood was full of ‘looks good on paper’ traits and my life choices didn’t fit that. Your videos are helping me unpick the trauma so that I can rebuild myself in my 40’s. Thank you
I can relate to this so much. It hurts to see normal families and supportive families.
yesss when it happens i literally feel a lil squeeze in my heart and sadness deep in my stomach ):
It does hurt but in the long run it will just be better.
Yes, it is absolutely crushing 😿
I had to cut off my family in the spurt of the moment kind of thing, there was no letter. I was sexually abused by one of my brothers throughout my childhood and teen years. When I told my dad that my abuser shouldn't be living under the same roof as his teenage step-daughter, I saw my family's true colors and I cut them off right there. My intention was to temporarily keep my distance, but as things unfolded and they started placing the responsibility on me, I stayed farther and farther away and started seeing things much more clearly. I didn't even know that what my brother did was sexual abuse.
On top of that my mother is schizophrenic and was emotionally unavailable. There was no support there whatsoever.
After I cut off my family, my migraines decreased significantly, which makes me think, the emotional and psychological burden of my dysfunctional family was causing them.
They still think I made the decision out of anger and resentment. I just know it was the right call.
How did you support yourself as a teenager living alone?
Your situation is very similar to what I'm dealing with right now. Happy to hear it gets better and there's a chance for me
Same thing with me. Older brother (big age gap) took advantage of me and my innocence. It took years for me to finally figure out what happened. Everyone turned on me instantly when I spoke up. I am in the process of going no contact right now. Absolutely No support. I lost so much in this “family”. I have only seen the base of the mountain of hurt they have caused and have a long way to climb.
I did this with almost all of my family members, starting with my mother. I wish the internet or youtube had been invented at the time I did it. It was a very difficult strugle. Walking away was one of the most difficult, painful and guilt inducing things I have ever done. I was 21 when I walked away from my mother, after years and years of systematic abuse. Now, 32 years later, and after several attempts at reconciliation and finally acceptance, I can say it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have 2 grown children, my son, 28 who never met my mother, and my daughter 20, who met her once. They are both good people, and don't have the baggage I had to overcome. I wouldn't want to have to go through the turmoil again, but I saved myself, and have been able to live a relatively peaceful life.
I am 65yo. My mother died 5 years ago, and I thought I was finally free. I had cut her off for a while, and then tried to have a mature relationship. Last time I saw her, she was screaming at me, telling me that I was "useless." Her screams, as I walked the length of the hospital ward to leave, still echo in my head.
Since then, I have discovered she created a family system, and though I was loyal to my siblings, it was completely unrequited. I wish I had done what you did.
Sometimes we are given two terrible choices. It is wrong to think there is a good choice. I am reminded of my first daughter... She was going to die. My choice was to chose sooner than later. It is still a terrible choice...
If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done the same as you. I was functionally alone anyway. No amount of effort would change anything.
@@fredhubbard7210 it took many many many years to walk away from all of it. We all make decisions. There’s no fault in any decision. You make the best decision you can at time, with the information you have. We don’t know how things will turn out. We have to change the things that hurt us. If walking away saves you even now, save you!
I struggle with what someone commented above "still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them." I always have this anxious feeling of missing out on the 20s (which is no much time left of) with the family member. But I just remember how poorly I was treated by them. They are seemingly behaved now and apologised sincerely a while ago. However I just cannot bring myself to continue a normal relationship. It just doesnt feel right. I still notice some narcissistic things they say and it triggers.
I wrote to family members saying I was taking much needed time off from being my mother's primary caregiver. Within 2 weeks my husband and I were reported to adult protective services (sister/mother/niece involved in this) for elder abuse which resulted in months of being investigated, thousands of dollars on lawyer fees, and eventually there were of course no charges brought against us. The moral of the story....if you decide to communicate your plans/intentions to these types of indivudals be prepared for all hell to break loose. The abandonment rage can be very very destructive.
100%. Same goes for my father while I was still trapped in my late teens-early 20s. After every abusive episode (literally every day) I would threaten him that if he doesn't change, "I will take mom's inheritance and leave" (my mom had passed away, so my father was dealing with his abandonment issues by trying to keep me to himself. He would become worse and worse. I couldn't figure out how the probability of losing his child for ever couldn't improve the situation!
Years later I found this amazing article about toxic family members that explained the phenomeno: You can't understand the true depth of those people's toxicity until they realize they are about to lose all control by you walking away.
I agree, it's much better to cut them off suddenly and completely in order to save yourself.
Yes absolutely. My mother went through the court and got visitation with my kids in her rage. Legal letters left, right and centre. It was a disaster. I learned my lesson that it is much safer to simply slip away.
My conclusion is it’s better not to say anything. Just walk away. Disappear.
When he said “forgetful optimism” it was like discovering what I’ve been feeling for so long but couldn’t find the right words to explain… I’ve been in that cycle for 5 years now and am just starting to wake up to the fact that things won’t ever change. It’s like my narc family are constantly dangling the carrot within my reach, and then as soon as I get close enough to grab it, they pull the line away and just repeat that over and over… It’s a constant mind game with them and I’m starting to be more aware of how it affects me mentally and emotionally… I think I’m finally ready to cut ties for good.
You give them understanding, compassion, and acceptance and it's not good enough. That's not what they want. You give them HELL (at the cost of your soul) that's validation! They somehow feel superior. It feels like black mail to contribute to the madness.
In that cycle for 30 loooong years. Break the ties now. NEVER move back close geographically as I stupidly did. Wasted decades of my life. Learn from my forgetful optimism!
The line...people who are committed to misunderstanding you...that hit deep
"forgetful optimism" brilliant. Far less crazy-making to look at my own patterns, and work on resolving them. Thank you!
You can do it! I hope you are doing well in your journey :)
For me it became a lot easier to set those boundaries when I reached a point in my healing that I valued my own safety, comfort and happiness over theirs. A reverse of how I was brought up. Now nothing could make me sacrifice myself for their needs and while it's sad to have to cut off, it's hugely beneficial and preferable to staying entangled in that toxic and harmful mess.
Well said. Good for you. You made it.
I feel like from my experience this is so complicated. I've never felt my family was toxic. The more I got older though I realised I was used to putting on a mask and whenever we discussed my values there was big uproar about it. I was treated as the difficult one. My sister even pointed out that she perceived that I was never really happy because the things I cared about were persistently shut down. My family cut me off from friends who supported my mental wellbeing and I'm slowly starting to realise I need to seperate myself for my own happiness.
Your life will truly start for the first time ever once you completely walk away. This can be so depressing, but it has to be done. Even when I moved away, they still maliciously tried to stay in some sort of contact.
Now that I understand narcissism, it's a MUST to NEVER look back.
My abusive parents died suddenly. The rest of the toxic religious family tried to attack me through the justice system. After dealing with lawyers, I just stopped talking, didn't reply to letters and have no social media for them to stalk anymore. They are too ashamed of their behaviour to try and start things face to face. I pray they realize how awful their behaviour has been and they do not deserve to be in my presence anymore. All I want them to know is how damaging and unChristian they truly are, how they've created a nightmare in the family line. I feel good about cutting them off, even though it is difficult to grieve having no family at all, but better none than abusive toxic people. I enjoy being alone and it has given me a lot of perspective to have space of my own realizing that what I grew up with in definitely NOT normal.
Religion & the church leaders only make things worse.They peer group pressure us into helping both financially & physically the family members that treated us like crap
It's really hard. I'm going through my cut off right now and it is so soothing to know that i still have a father but the one in heaven.
I've tried for years to be good enough for my toxic family... And I'm detaching.. I got into a bad accident and they never asked if I was OK :( it hurts a lot but that was the last straw... No more warm fuzzies from me.
Who Cares I hope youre recovering well. Im here if you need to talk. Mine are the same. I got very ill 2 weeks ago and i thought it was covid. My fever spiked so bad that in my head I actually started accepting this was it for me. My body chills were so bad that my body was spasming. All my mother could say was “thats what you get”
@@MR-kt1vx You got the ordinary flu which doctors are being PAID to call "COVID", along with any other illness that has a fever. Most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!
Yes, understand. I know people are busy, but not once have they bothered , even to call and ask if l've been spared from. this pandemic...Actions speaks volumes.
@ Britt Nicole , sorry for hearing that. It's really shows that they were never concerned about your well being instead of using you for their purpose. Stay strong and please give yourself a good reward by releasing all the pain and hurts that they caused to you.
@@MR-kt1vx Wow, your mother's the worst. Gone no contact?
I let go my siblings over a decade ago. Parents are gone. Siblings were more hurtful in my case, being a youngest of four than the parents. It was a trickle down toxicity effect. The betrayal was deeper and unexpected from my playmates, cohearts.
They learned and were groomed to be perpetrators and I a target. And boy did I pull out of the woodwork, friends who acted in a familial way! It took a long time to recover. To stand for being treated well, with reciprocity, healthy communication practices, emotional responsibility etc. I have taught Conscious Relationships Practices, The Language of the Heart and Conflict Resolution Practices for 31 years! I made lemonade out of the lemons! And the good news, as with this video being more accessible to the public, you can heal these pains! You are not stuck with them! Thanks for your great work!
“People committed to misunderstanding you.” Wow. Exactly! Thank you for putting that so succinctly.
Cut myself off from my very Narcissistic, neglectful and selfish Mother 4 years ago. Did inform her of the cut off and why. Result? She turned almost all my siblings against me, told anyone who would listen how hateful I am and played the victim. Still the BEST thing I ever did for myself.
Telling them calmly and politely that you're needing to take some time apart to work on some things is a litmus test in itself.
I got disgustingly insulting voicemails (in the middle of the night!), letters full of abuse and the police sent to my home and workplace.
So, the time apart immediately became forever.
Literally the same over here in my world. When I told them how I really felt I was called a slut, whore, and a drug addict (I have to take pain medication occasionally for bad migraines) by my father and mother. They threatened to come to my house, beat up my husband, call CPS on my kids, etc. It was like a light switch went off! My God, these people are crazy and they'll never change.
It's true! A true test of whether or not someone loves you is how they respond to your boundaries. Acceptance should be the bare minimum you receive, not a goal for you to achieve.
My mom just tried to get my husband arrested and threatened to call CPS. She said she said she will do anything to protect herself. This was all I because I told her I was scared of her and that she didn't respect my boundaries with my kids.
My mom showed her true colors when I simply and politely asked her to not call me a name. She got defensive and angry and said she was just joking. She got even more angry when I said that didn't matter. Such an angry response to something so small. I can't imagine what she's going to do when I send a letter.....
My friends get very upset if I speak with my mom. And it's really rare that I speak to her. They're like she treated you so badly how could you even talk to her.
Most people understand..
I felt like I needed another mother after I realised what she & others had done & as part of breaking the trauma bond but I have been betrayed so many times by family members so I decided to mother myself. My inner child & I are now a team with my adult self looking after us both. Now I don't feel alone. Also, discovered that my grandmother, father & I & some younger family members are/were probably HSPs - Highly Sense-itive People. My life is so much better. Theresa
Beautiful
Right there with you. Did same!
Can you elaborate a little on HOW you "mothered" yourself? I think it could help me.
@@LaughingGemini do you have a picture of yourself when you were super young? Could you mother that child? What would you do for her/or him? How would you protect if you could, from this point on?
Learn to give yourself the" benefit" of the doubt first. Build your trust up within, that you listen to gut before someone or something else.
Omg this video describes my family perfectly. The word “clobbered” is perfect
There is nothing better than really taking good care of yourself in every way. Having a safe,peaceful space, no matter how big,with ur teddy bear. You always deserved that. We all do. Specially the good people.
The grief is devastating, but the healing is liberating!
It really is the hardest thing. Especially around the holidays.
But abuse is abuse.
Already put up with it way too long for my family.
But I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else.
So I’m done giving my family a free pass to constantly hurt me. Anyone who wants to treat me like that was never “family” to begin with.
They were just people who shared the same bloodline .
Blood is only thicker than water
Until the water gets turned into wine.
So sick of the, “but they’re your family” excuse.
Patrick I love your videos keep them coming. I went no contact 4 years ago and I think it's important for you to tell everyone to prepare for a backlash. Toxic families do not like boundaries or losing control and they're going to try everything that worked on you in the past to get you to fall back into line. For example guilting, passive aggressive conversation, shunning, blaming, flipping the script Etc. They also can say some pretty awful things behind your back. I was not prepared for this backlash, I really thought everyone would understand after I sent a letter. And it's even worse if you have a family that's all about appearances. Thanks again for this wonderful video I draw a lot from them and it's nice to know we're not alone.
They want you back so someone else doesn't have to become the family Whipping Post. They have to put the blame for their own faults on someone and if you aren't there, they can only shift so much blame on you, some things just become far too obvious to onlookers that it's not you who is the problem. Of course, most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!
Definitely. I wasn't prepared for all the OTHER family members I would lose after going No Contact with 2 my birth mother and stepfather, because they were all drinking their KoolAid. That gutted me almost more than having to break from parents. It was so painful and I wasn't prepared for the suicidal feelings to come back either. I'm fine now, by the way, but it was brutal in the aftermath. One by one I could feel the family dynamic shifting as the toxicity and lies were spreading. I finally realized, those are not my family and never were. They never saw me for me or loved me unconditionally. I don't need them. Better off without me. Now I can be free to be me without criticism or belittling or conditions. I am slowly finding my real family and it's beautiful.
@@reesedaniel5835 I’ve seen some who compared the narcissistic tactics of media and whatnot with that of their family system, but not many. Like you say, it’s quite strange. But I guess not really. Look how many people cut off their abusive parents while continuing to live with an abusive spouse who acts just like them.
I don’t understand why you’d want to be free from one situation and proceed to be enslaved by another. Bizarre.
My cutoff letter was sent yesterday. I am re-watching these videos for clarity against a feeling of fog. They help enormously. Content like this gives me enormous hope and a different sense of how caring people can be in the world. Patrick, I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. And I wish everyone here healing and peace heading into Christmas.
So true I wished I had known about this years ago. When my parents each died my i felt more relief than grief. Carol
Everything in this fits my situation. I left during the last clobbering episode and blocked all means of communication - for the first time ever. I didn't announce my cut off bc it happened impulsively. I dont feel like sending a letter bc I have been blamed for being dramatic when I distanced myself after being clobbered in the past.
Thing really escalated after I started standing up for myself. My sister used my mom to let me know I would be shunned if I didn't attend her wedding. It was very difficult to see my estranged father who physically abused me (mostly me) horribly. My parents divorced 6m after I got my own place. I think that says a lot about my position. I was the black sheep.
When I confronted my sister after the wedding I got blamed for being dramatic, even though I stayed polite and only expressed my disappointment. When I distanced myself from my sister I got blamed by my mother for being dramatic. And when I distanced myself from my mom, my brother did the same.
A letter just feels futile at this point. To me this cut off feels permanent.i explained in our last fight why I would disappear for months on end, barely replying. So I don't feel any obligation to do any more announcing.
Yeah I think a letter just fuels their fire because they have to push back against any boundaries and saying "do not contact me" is a huge boundary. They take everything as a slight and offense so to them this would be the biggest one.
Same here. A letter is pointless when they don't care. My family would think I'm seeking attention.
Thank you, Patrick, for this spot-on video. The amount of backlash/pushback/persecution you receive when you do the cutoff is indicative of just how abused you have been. I did a cut off (via writing a letter )from the most abusive family members 10 years ago. I did a huge amount of growing and healing. Several years later, I let them back in, thinking that they had changed. I was deceived once again. I went downhill and became suicidal. That was when I realized I had to cut them off forever in order to save my life and that of my loving husband and children. I cut them off again, this time without a letter. Best thing I ever did. And very recently, these videos have given me strength to cut my entire family of origin off, permanently. Like Jesus said, a good tree cannot bring forth bitter fruit, and a bitter tree cannot bring forth good fruit. Patrick is right about the flying monkeys and what he said in another video: “a half safe person is not safe”. We each deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. It’s important to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place & stay there.
I never sent such letter but I did write it. It helped me to strengthen my decision to stay clear of my narcissistic mother part of the family.
I'm in that boat, too. I am done. What a relief.
I spent the entirety of my young life crushed under the weight of my childhood, the toxicity of my family dynamics and the abuse I regularly suffered. I left home at 14 but kept in contact with my family. It wasn't until I was 28 that I cut all ties. 15 years later I have two degrees, a senior job at a major corporation and more money than I thought I'd make in my lifetime. Taking full ownership of my self gave me the space I needed to explore my potential. If you're family is truly holding you back, LEAVE.
A phrase I’ve been live on for the past few weeks: *The pain of maintaining the status quo is greater than the pain of change.* From an excellent message at my church recently entitled “disrupting dysfunction”.
I've never did a formal cut off from my family but having boundaries with my family has effectively cut them off. They don't want to have much to do with me. They think I am "no fun" because I calmly end conversations when my family speak badly about me or any one else. Once that became established, they don't invite me any more because they consider me a stick in the mud. I've always been boring because I don't drink and don't spend time with my family if alcohol is involved so they don't invite me. My family never contacts me and therefore I rarely contact them. It's unsatisfying and leaves me feeling empty but because they don't engage in ways that are destructive any more, a cut off of course is unnecessary.
Rachel R McBryan i had to check that this wasnt an old comment that i wrote. You literally described me. I don’t drink. Dont smoke. My mother is very ignorant and uneducated. Has no hobbies so she fills her day with talking badly about others. I just told her straight up one day to quit speaking ill of those who werent there to defend themselves. She stopped inviting me to say .. the grocery store or to run errands. My sister loves gossiping with her so she’s become the golden child. Any time I bring up an intellectual conversation, my mother tells me to “quit filling your brain up with things that don’t involve you”. Anytime I ask her for an embrace, she says im “bothering” her... going to go no contact after today. Since last night she kicked me out, telling me I’d never find any support other than from those under her roof.
Thats what I did. My goal was to act with as much personal integrity as possible, which meant to clearly - in a non-blaming, non-dramatic way, state what I needed in the fewest of words. Most of my family of origin ended up dropping me over a few years. I didn’t have to write any letter. After I changed the way I thought, my self love and compassion now included MYSELF- not my family and friends at my expense . The narcissistic people self selected when the realized there was no more supply from me. They quit coming around. They quit inviting me. Some aggressively broke with me over shockingly petty events. Im over 60. It took me a long time to come to terms with all of this. I accept the grief. This video is excellent advice. I do think, if you change yourself, you won’t have to write that letter in many situations. You will be adamantly changed and those changes will become repulsive to the dysfunctional system without any extra effort from you.
@@CristinaAcosta you know... I think my most recent boyfriend did the same thing to me... he broke up with me because I had boundaries. Its like toxic people repellent.
@@CristinaAcosta Thank you for sharing your story and the helpful advice. I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do. But sometimes people have had enough time to realize that their parents won't change and have grown strong and not wanting to put up with it anymore. So they either know they need to just cut off and they do so quietly because a cut off letter can just invite more drama and backstabbing and hurt, etc., or they feel comfortable having limited engagement with their parents and asserting their boundaries and this type of parent can't stand that so IMO it either leads to very short and superficial conversations or to the place of cut off eventually anyway, or like you said, the parents can't stand having boundaries or being called out on their behavior so they are the ones who cut the contact way back.
I know that in my own personal life, I moved far away and did what I wanted and my parents seemed to lose interest in me because I wasn't always at their beck and call or engaging in fights and drama with them like I did when I was younger and had to live with them. I had younger siblings who were adopted when I was in college and they became the new focus of my parents' attention and drama source, sadly. I am now nearing 40 years old (!) and one of those younger siblings got married and pregnant and the other apparently lives with his girlfriend and her family most of the time (he is 18 but still in high school) and so I think they have a lack of sufficient drama or supply because they have been up to their old tricks again, trying to be demanding and controlling of me and acting like we are so close that I should just jump when they want to talk, etc., whereas in the past I would only see or talk to them a few times a year but now they are wanting weekly video chats. When I tell them no because I'm busy, they escalate and try to lecture and bully me into paying attention to them and doing what they want.
In the meantime I have gone through a lot of therapy and done a lot of research so that intellectually I am able to understand my family of origin and upbringing although this is the first time I have really had to put things to the test in a long time because my parents had mostly been ignoring me because I wasn't that interesting to them. Now that they want something new (again) and shiny or have no other sources of supply and must have noticed and been bothered my absence all of a sudden, I am dealing with the emotions that come with trying to enforce my own boundaries and stand up for myself and I am seeing if they can handle it or if I will have to cut them off. So far it is not going well. The more I resist, the more they push. I have not wanted to cut off and have always tried to maintain some relationship with them but sometimes I wonder why because they have really mistreated me throughout the years and are so selfish and make everything all about them. I start to think I will have some peace if I have to cut them out of my life, although it will also be sad and I'm sure I'll question if I did the right thing. I'm in the stage of trying to make sure I have enforced boundaries and stood up for myself but if that doesn't work then it will be freeing to just concentrate on my own life and my own family unit without having to worry about them or deal with their constant drama or attempts to control me.
Best wishes and thank you again for sharing, I found it helpful. I don't think I will send a letter like this to my parents even if I do a cut off because it will just fuel the flame more and is quite frankly more than they even deserve if they can't listen to and respect my simple requests for boundaries. If anything I will likely message/text my dad back and tell him I have told him my boundaries many times but he can't respect them, so don't contact me again. And I will block all avenues of contact so that I don't have to hear his awful reaction to that. (Luckily I live 2,000 miles away so hopefully it is just a matter of blocking means of long distance communication.)
@@anitaharris9243 You said, " I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do." Everyone has to decide for themselves how they want to "cut off" the toxicity. And for some, writing a letter and sending it can be very healing ONLY if there are NO expectations involved, and the sender doesn't care how it is received including if it went straight to the trash can. At that point, the sender of the letter HAS moved on. I can assure you, sending a letter does NOT make one "miserable." It is to each his own and everyone's situation is unique on some level. I wish you healing.
I just cut off my whole family it was hard for me cause I didn't want to feel as if I'm alone but I just had to do it, I used to be a rebel child most of it was from acting up from being sexually abused and my mom not caring, but once I became an adult I started to be responsible, I got married and have NEVER asked for any help so I think I'm doing pretty good for myself, but my family for some reason still hate me, and I have no idea why, I haven't acted out since I was a teen and now I'm almost in my 30s happily married with 2 children, I honestly have no idea what their problem is, and what hurts me the most is my mom lets it happen, she has never stood up for me and most likely never will.
They hate you because you broke free and they cannot control you. They hate themselves too. A happy person doesn't go around making other's lifes miserable.
It's not you, it's them. You cannot understand it because you're an empath; they are not but they get the best fuel out of empaths. Like vampires.
@@Lyrielonwind - What exactly IS this fuel they get out of Empaths?? I feel like if we can stop giving it, the Vampires will stay away...
@@SandiiCom
Fuel is whatever emotions they can get from abusing you; anger, confusion, suffering...any reaction. They emotional vampires. They need to control you and that's why indifference hurt them the most. That's why the grey rock method works but the best is no contact and not having any information about your life if possible. That's why you have to get rid of the flying monkeys. They are their little helpers. Somo of them don't even know they are being used as tools.
Cutting off helped me gain more respect for myself, and it's sad to say I don't miss any one of them. I think the worst thing they did was blame me for my failed relationships when they bred fear and mistrust in me literally from day one!
Safe and free. I’m one year into cutting them off, still trying to rebuild a life but I never thought I could be so happy about the thought of never seeing them again. 😊
thank you for this amazing video! I feel so seen and validated.
my father was emotionally and physically abusive throughout my childhood. I remembered being beaten because I can't fall asleep and got slap in the face when he "discipline" me. despite all the violence, I never really realized what's going on.
the last straw came when I graduated from college and didn't want to choose the career he approve of. he threatened me that if I don't take the job he will hit me on my face, and as I run into my room, he yelled and bang on my door, told me to get the fuck out.
I was completely wrecked since then. the idea that as an adult I am still in this demeaning situation brought up so much shame. I got nightmare every time he call or text me. every time I see him, my body automatically get anxious and alert as if I encountered a bear. sometimes I don't have the strength to get out of the bed. I end up blocking his number completely.
these was completely unacceptable to my mother. She accused me of being ungrateful because my father worked very hard to provide a life for us. and since my grandfather used to hit his children, she thinks it's normal and I was the one overreacting.
I grew up in a Asian country. my parents always told me, "nobody outside our family will love you, you can only count on us". and they expect me to take care of them when they got old because "no matter what we are your parents", and it's against the law if I don't.
I thought about suicide every day. I feel like my whole life is being highjacked, and I am stuck with disgusting people could never live my true life.
wow that's a lot of venting. I will try to cut off my mom and live in other tropical city, where the sunshine and sea can make me feel better.
to anyone who is reading this, you are not alone❤
Thank you for disclosing that you have personal experience with a toxic family and had to do a cut-off yourself. I'm a therapist and I do disclose to my clients that I have been through this, but I always feel a little conflicted when I do because of the training I received and the general taboo from the profession to not disclose personal information. But having been through so much, and having so much personal experience with my own abusive family, and having had to go through the process of healing, I believe, makes me a better therapist and allows me to help people heal. I have colleagues who don't know anything about narcissistic abuse or family systems. Masters level, and even doctoral programs, don't have this type of training- it's not mainstream by any means. So thankful for UA-cam and all the great therapists out there who are sharing this information and elaborating on this subject. I feel validated that I'm on the right track.
As a patient I can say please don't stop. I can't tell you how reassuring it can be to hear that 1. you're not the only one who experiences that (it can even happen to your therapist = its not because of me) and 2 that your therapist does indeed know, to some extend, what your going through and has some personal experience with that. (Not to say that I'm happy that you experienced it, but when you are in that situation you are just glad to have somebody with you, who is on familiar turf).
Especially for people who have vulnerability issues and a hard time opening up during sessions, revealing something of yourself can really alleviate a bit of their inner power struggles. I've needed a long time to come to terms with the power dynamic in the sessions and even now I can reach a point where I feel cornered. But especially in the beginning I had a big problem with the fact that I was supposed to open up my deepest, darkest most hurtful thoughts and experiences to her while she wouldn't even answer to the light question of "How are you?". It felt so unfair and I really didn't like the imbalance in power and vulnerability(especially since it doesn't come very naturally to me).
So that was my thought on it, I mean you're the expert but I thought that might be an interessting insight on a patient's perspective and how
some might see your vulnerability and why it can be so valuable to express it towards them. Especially since this is usually something someone won't tell you until they are in a place to actually express vulnerability themselfs.
Most of us really value those moments of vulberability you show us. It's an honour. Thank you! Keep going and watch your boundaries.
-Vanessa
Freud in his arrogance did a huge disservice to the field by blaming the patient and not focussing on trauma and compassion. Keep doing what you do, there is plenty if evidence that this helps more than anythjng Freud prescribed
I have been in the process of slowly cutting myself off from my family. I’m getting in touch with my feelings and letting myself remember the hell ive been through. I’m planning to move to another city as soon as I can.
I just came across this video. I’ve come to a breaking point with my parents. They’ve hurt me for the last time and I know I should have seen it coming. I’ve been cycling through that pattern and I know that I need to escape. I want to do this but I’m so scared and it hurts so much to leave behind my depressed mother. She can’t be helped by me and she is completely controlled by my dad, but I don’t know how to accept that and walk away. I will be discussing this with my therapist this week, but this video finally made me realize what I need to do. And I KNOW that it’s what’s best for me. It just hurts.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm cheering you on.
My heart breaks and tears stream while I read all of these comments - but it is good to know I am not alone 🖤 🦋
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT.
NO CONTACT works.
Thank you
This is a wonderful video. I managed a cut off from my parents seventeen yrs ago before I even knew it was a healthy option. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. My children were babies at the time and I knew I needed to stop the abuse for them and me. Over the years I have done therapy off and on. I had healed so much that my childhood was left further and further behind. I do not resemble the young adult I used to be. I have grown that much. Last year my grandmother died, whom I had maintained contact with. At the funeral I saw and spoke to my parents for the first time in decades. Many emotions were brought back to the surface which I am dealing with however, one thing was made abundantly clear; I made the right choice. The cycle of abuse ended because I was willing to walk away even it meant being alone. Every year the pain gets better, trust me. Anyone who is facing this decision, know that you are not alone. You deserve unconditional love. Love yourself enough to walk away.
I want an advice plz! I distanced my self and really felt like i was healing but then i came back to take some stuff from my family house and forget why i was angry in the first place. I forget and i think i delayed my healing. Is there a way to get back on track?
@@mandolaa that forgetting is part of the trauma.
Our brain wants us to survive.
The trauma of abuse can destroy us.
So our brain makes us forget what is dangerous, as a self-preservation strategy.
But now that you are on your healing path, it is important to remember why you walked away, and should remain away.
The family may also love bomb you into coming back. If you return, you will get stuck deeper.
Start journaling your memories with details. Add more details as you remember.
Observe how they make you feel.
Observe how you feel away from them.
Just get the stuff you need for once, and never ever go back.
Do things you always wanted to do, but they prevented you.
@@purvamandlik4696 thank you for your advices! 🙏
I was a victim of SA....and told it was my responsibility to protect the abuser and the family. I also was raised with the males chanting, A woman, a dog and a walnut tree...the more you beat them, the better they be. I learned how to box and fight back....I became the evil one in their eyes for standing up and saying IT ENDS NOW! It took me until my teen years to get there...I eventually walked away from some family and NEVER looked back.
My dad's sisters blame me for him going to prison, he was a pedophile. My sister blames me for not having a dad and doesn't believe it happened, not my fault he did what he did. When I get around my step mom and step brother they're always slightly disrespectful towards and of course it's always my fault. I stopped trying to make it work with them, they will always see me as the black sheep of the family. I feel much freer now
Cutting off my family was the greatest thing I could have done for myself. It was not easy, and they tried to guilt trip me for it. In a year's time I was finally able to start healing. It has been 3 years now and I am still healing and getting better everyday. This video was a nice reminder of how far I have come. An immense weight was lifted from my shoulders and being able to have a comfortable life without judgement is so worth the struggle of the escape.
The only person in my family I have a relationship with is my dad. I haven't seen or spoken to my relatives in about 3yrs. Now I can go and make mistakes without being laughed at or put down. Now my space is open for my real true family to come onto my life. Now I am free.
First of all, thank you so much for your videos, it’s kind of like have 24-hour access to a therapist. I did a less formal version of a family cut-off about 8 years ago, after my mother’s memorial service. I decided I was done being manipulated and constantly having to earn my family’s love and acceptance. I had moved across the state, so I just decided to stop making travel plans to visit them. No explanations, I just stopped showing up for holidays, etc and started spending much more enjoyable, less stressful time with my own chosen family and friends. I am still healing, but can now see things much more clearly than I ever have before. The more I learn about trauma and CPTSD, the more things make sense in my own life, and the better able I am to make healthy life choices. Thanks again!
I did a family cutoff over five years ago, almost exactly the way you prescribed, knowing full well they would not understand and that our issues would probably never be resolved. The almost collective response, especially from my father and brothers, was “we do not deserve this”. My mother never responded. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done and spent close to a year in therapy specifically preparing. Since then I continue to be validated and have gained clarity and peace. My marriage and friendships have flourished. I have confidence I never had and have excelled in my professional life. My sister who is much younger than me did reach out merely saying she missed me and loves me - that is all I ever wanted to hear. We are now closer than we have ever been and are able to support one another with love and without judgment. I do encounter the occasional shock or disbelief from others that do not believe I could “reject” my family, but I now know how to make better relationship choices and surround myself with others that uplift me and allow me to reciprocate. Thank you so much for all of your work here. I am positive that this can help so many that do not understand their constant pain and insecurity.
I went low contact to see how it worked, and felt.
Then went no contact for my own health and wellbeing.
Giving them no more chances to hurt me. 👍👍
This describes my mother and my two sisters .. I’m so blessed that I saw the truth… my mom and sisters have attacked threatened my career in nursing my boyfriends , my ministry my son , everything I love. And I never learn and it just gets worse they have stolen from me. And that’s the least they r trying to destroy me I came today to the sense that enough is enough at age 43
Everything you said is spot-on. My narc parents will repetitively mention their narc golden child (not me, my narc sis) in front of me almost every day. It's to the point that I hate returning home every day after work, because those 2 narc are living in my house. They will sweetly ask me "How are you doing?" only when they need to exploit me to do something for them. When I don't do what they want, they will talk trash for hours, if not days.
Once, they even cursed me to die, for settings boundaries & not enabling their narc favorite daughter anymore. I was like... wtf...
For about 9 months, I didn't talk to 1 narc parent & minimal talk to the other one. Man, I find my power back =)
I went no contact 15 months ago.
I’ll try to keep this short-ish.
First I want to say how grateful I am that I stumbled upon your channel.
Therapy absolutely terrifies me. I’m understanding how being raised by a narcissist mother, who repeatedly told me to ‘dry it up’ after I would cry when she had an episode of anger/rage, has affected me my adult life. I’ve been unable to express emotion in front of people that I am not 100% comfortable with (that list is short)
When people cry in front of me I panic and get really awkward.
Before I could ever speak openly about this, I had to first understand my emotions, and discover myself.
I’m now at a point of my healing where I’m comfortable to publicly speak on this.
I grew up in a home with a Mother who had a severe case of agoraphobia, panic attacks, and narcissism! Her agoraphobia was so extreme, she DID NOT LEAVE the house! I’m not kidding! She did not leave the house for my entire childhood, up until my early twenties. I’m the 2nd of 6 siblings whom I have no relationship with.
Of those siblings.... one has been to prison and is out on parole. Another is currently in jail, awaiting his sentencing and will be headed back to prison. Another is a child abuser and everyone in the family wanted to turn a blind eye. Another, keeps to themselves, don’t know much about her. And the other one, actually has a degree, but never achieved her dream of law school.
Mom pitted us against each other our whole life. Now she is working on the grandkids. So help me if she messages one of my children the way she does my nephews.
As for me, I’m happily married, have 4 children, my husband owns a company, we do business in 7 states (currently) and growing. We own our home, and are currently working on plans for our dream home. Mom can’t stand when I’m happy, or when I’ve been blessed with opportunities. She doesn’t think I deserved any of my successes.
15 months ago I snapped! I never in all my life spoke to her the way I did that day, omg I felt like a new person! That quickly changed as I went into a spiral of WTF moments, depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, anxiety, realizing that I’ve been suffering from PTSD and panic attacks myself, and so on. I cried for 2 weeks straight. When you’re 37 and realize that what you went through as a child was abuse, it’s a lot to process. Hello inner child how are ya? She was broken.
(Side note- it was also around this time that suppressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were jogging my mind, and holy shit, it’s wild)
I just couldn’t understand how a Mother could be so nasty to you your whole life. I never felt loved by her. It kills me to think my own children would ever feel the way I do, about me.
Thankfully I am very very in tune with my body, and knew I was hurting myself, I had to take some sort of action. My children needed the best version of me, and they were not getting that! They were getting her! I swallow my pride as I say that.
I even can admit that I had narcissistic tendencies. I have taken ownership of my behavior.
I had to ‘check myself’.
Once I did that I had heart to hearts with my older boys. I told them more about growing up, and how I realized that my childhood traumas never got dealt with and unfortunately they took the brunt of my emotions that I did not know how to handle.
I will forever have an ache in my soul for all the years that I could have been better for them, but didn’t know how. I pray they know I love them and that they felt loved!
I just hope that I’ve not caused too much trauma for my own.
Everyday since no contact has been different. I cry everyday.
It’s like grieving a death, but then you remember ‘oh! They’re not dead’.
I currently have a fear that I’m gonna get the call that one of them has passed. I know it will come, I’m trying to prepare for it. I don’t know how or if I can.
Hopefully I over come my fear of therapy and can understand even more. I do know when I talk to my husband and best friend, it feels good! Sharing this with you all has been freeing.
For those wondering about my Dad. Him and Mom have been married for 40+ years. Not talking to him has been devastating!
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. And hugs to you all that are healing, and especially to those who have just realized you were the product of childhood trauma.
That generational curse stops NOW!
Holy S***!!! I am so proud of you for OWNing your stuff and stopping the Generational Conditioning - the abusive and destruction for You and your Children!!
When you said this:
"Thankfully I am very very in tune with my body, and knew I was hurting myself, I had to take some sort of action. My children needed the best version of me, and they were not getting that! They were getting her! I swallow my pride as I say that.
I even can admit that I had narcissistic tendencies. I have taken ownership of my behavior.
I had to ‘check myself’. "
My heart just soared!!!
I know how hard this is to do. It hurts and it's confusing. I'm there, too. I have been Mom's favorte all 52 years of my life. Until last year when covid hit. That's what helped to begin my transition to actually SEEING what has been going on between us in a different light. Clearer.
It's been messenger chat only during this time because I won't even talk to her on the phone. I used to but it really was too damaging for ME the way she messes everything up and it all feels upside-down all over again. Every call.
Then she found her way in to seeing me. I had something of hers that she "needed" back. So, well...she forced the situation into play and I saw her this past Monday for the first time since last October. It was amazing how much damage she wanted to do in the three minutes we were interacting! OMG! I video'd it. For training purposes, of course.
When you said you had to 'check myself' - that's exactly what I did that day. Before I left to meet her, I did an email to her to make sure my OWN motives were clear to me.
Then I sent it to her. Before I even left the house to go meet her, I sent it.
Because I knew that the way she played it to get the meeting, that seeing her wasn't going to be different.
And it wasn't.
And it hurts that she's so empty inside that she needs to be so destructive.
And it's Not My responsibilty anymore because I KNOW it doesn't belong TO ME. I played a part in the co-dependency and I've been changing that during this time.
FOR ME. Finally...this time it was really FOR me!
I hope that your steps to growth help you to realize every day how NOT like them that you are...you shared! They never would. And I cherish that! It's so valuable and fundamental to our growth and identity.
Sending you hugs and a standing ovation!!
I used to get horrible pains in my chest when I even thought about crying, I was repressing it so deep.
That almost never happens to me anymore. Its been years. After a lot of work and self reflection on my own I am finally going to therapy and went for a few weeks before really opening up about my family. And its been good. I still make mistakes, I still get anxious, and deal with my feelings about my past. But I've never felt stronger, or more free. I hope you can find a therapist who understands narcissism and find the strength to move on if they don't get it, because its so scary to open up, but you can do it.
Nobody can really hurt us as bad as our parents hurt us. That is a very dark painful thing to admit, but also, just know that you can probably take a lot more than you realize, and you have the strength to keep going.
I needed this right now. I didn't tell them this time. This time was super different and I was done. I am mourning them though. Both my daughter, age 12, and I are. Funny, she cut them all off long before I did and I hear them saying saying things like it's me telling her to, etc. I don't know why they think kids are stupid, most of the time they are smarter than us. At least my daughter was.
You must've taught her some semblance of boundaries. You get a little credit there yourself for her being able to see what's up. :)
@@wordivore thank you ♥️
Your daughter sounds amazing and you sound like a great mom. :) I know it's hard but you did the right things. Good job.
You are so lucky you have your child. I don't think it's all in teaching them well though. (I'm sure you did but, I also think it's something in the brain wire (from studies I've read). I taught my children well and even cautiously warned of my Mom. My kids got sucked in and I also wonder if it's from the brain wire- biological (I married a narc- go figure, you know, like my Mom) Anyway, they got "it". So, I got away from that husband, didn't understand Mom narcness until too late. Then kids? Such sadness. My heart is broken. You just have to run from these narcs when you finally know. But yet, how can a person run from their children or grandchildren. Just so broken hearted.
Wow, thank you for this. I've been cut off from my family for a couple years now and while I know I feel better being away from them, other people, including my spouse don't understand. I feel guilty, but I also know it's the right thing for me. It's hard. So thank you for reiterating all the reasons why and how this can be a healthy choice.
Yes it's hard because we essentially become adult orphans. And this world is not the same place it was even 20 years ago. This is a time when it would be great to have a strong family support system, which of course, we don't have and never really had to begin with.
@@reesedaniel5835 I feel the same way.
Sad but true. What's more important is: learn from this experience and build your own strong and healthy family!
3:58.
Right there. You nailed it. That loneliness and sadness about not having that "normal" family is deeply profound.
Me coming to the realization that certain family members will die before they will ever change brings about a very strong feeling of grief.
Sometimes even if they change, it's after years or decades of abuse. By that point, it's so late and unimportant for the victim, that they might as well have died, the victim feels nothing but indifference and any love inside of her/him has died.