it might happen that shame --may-cause --> self doubt but i don't think they're the same i think self doubt could be beneficial if used in order to make informed decisions. like: exploring a problem from different angles. and sometimes you find out that you overlooked some aspects and that ends up changing the right answer, changing the decision to a better one. i imagine shame more like a fear of failure or fear of not showing up to expectations
I definitely gaslight myself around emotions a lot. Any negative emotion is immediately met with "they probably have good reasons" "I shouldn't bother them about their problems also affecting me" and any positive emotion is immediately "someone has it worse so I should feel bad for them" or "I'm being weird, no one else is this excited about this"
I had/have some of the exact same self-talk! It goes back to my childhood when my dad, who is so SeNsItIvE, could only see his feelings and other people's (incomprehensible) behaviour. So I learned to only see other people's feelings and my own behaviour... so [until the abusive arsehole in 2016, after which i got into therapy] if someone treated me badly I'd consider that they were probably stressed and what they're going through in their life and how maybe their communication style is a bit different than mine and I'm making a big deal over something that probably isn't even intentional... meanwhile also having social anxiety that somehow I'm giving off unintentional vibes that hurt other people or something. Total double standard.
It never even occurred to me that it even _mattered_ if someone else's problems were affecting me. Being proud of myself or being told that someone was proud of me came under the heading of "if we say anything it will give you a swelled head" or worse, unspoken, "so what?" It was only after I left that I realized I was getting mixed messages from my ex based on how what I did affected him. I still struggle with applying the words "proud of myself" without the tag of bragging.
If I said no to anyone in my toxic family, they would use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. Or I would be punished for being selfish. Saying no came with real consequences in a narcissistic family.
Feel that. My family continued with their relationships with the abuser & just didn't give me any option, either like their choices or not. It didn't bother them in the slightest as long as their life didn't change. 'it didn't happen to them' so hey should their life change? Two years ago at the grand age of 53, walked away from them all & their horrible dysfunction. Covering cracks doesn't work for me anymore, I've found my voice.
Feel that, when he asked the question I thought about it and I really don't remember ever saying no to my parents, even as a very small child I was known for never being ornery about anything (because I was so neglected) if I wasn't going to do what I was told I would just quietly not do it, I don't think I outright refused to do anything ever in my childhood
Ooh yep! I totally get where you're coming from. Even asking for minor and basic consideration was met with accusations of selfishness. Taught me never to stand up for myself even if I was being reasonable and just asking to be treated as a human.
How I gaslight myself while doing the journal prompts: “We have the right to our truth about the issue. We have the right to how we see things” Me “doesn’t that mean our abuser has the right to how they perceive their reality of the situation since their behaviors are also molded from unresolved childhood trauma?” I always go back to either being devils advocate or letting my empathy toward others hinder this process.
Yes, they can think whatever they want, just don't allow it to be at your expense. If we always look to them first in trying to be compassionate, kind, understanding, then who are we neglecting? Abusers do not have the right to put their toxic reality and behaviour on other's and we do not have tolerate it.
Aaaaaah relatable. The thing is, it’s more than just the right to know our truth: it’s our right to _assert_ that truth as well. And the abusers have been doing that their whole lives, while we never got to. You’re not taking their truth away from them by asserting your own. You’re simply offering another perspective, one that’s never had the chance to be heard. We all have the right to be listened to, and the abusers have been listened to PLENTY. It’s your turn now. You deserve it.
Thanks for sharing. This struck a chord for me. I used the word yelling to describe the more severe tone of the adult in my life to her once. Maybe the voice wasn't raised much (or it was and I just allowed the moment to be changed according to her) but she was so quick to tell me she wasn't yelling. Still don't know if I was having struggles to communicate clearly (as I often do) or if she was just defending herself and trying to dictate her image to me. Regardless, I remember that the tone was definitely not in the usual range. Maybe she wasn't technically yelling, but there was some kind of admonishment and anger/upset from her in her big authority role.
@@katherinenicholson9752 I would describe that as hypervigilance. We had to pick up on very slight changes in tonality from our parents to protect ourselves. What others might read as a very slight change, seemed extremely obvious to us as kids. We could pick up on that change in an instant, because we were conditioned to know what comes next. I still can, as an adult. Additionally, the abusers can operate under the guise of "just having a discussion," or, "not yelling," while still stirring up an emotional reaction from you by using very slight changes in tone or speech patterns. There's a science behind it.. that unfortunately many of us are very familiar with.
OMG! That was the theme of my life before leaving home… Now as an adult a see the dysfunctionality of this😕 Yet I tend to repeat that same pattern in relationships and parenting style. Painfully aware, but seemingly unable to change😢😞
Fella you should be given a medal. These videos have given me the insight that I am not the only one who has experienced a rotten crotch childhood. Those memories still come up to haunt me, but I say to myself that they have no more power over me. I have been retired a little over twelve years now and enjoying the most of it. I know there is a lot of people who do not believe in inner child, but I do. Mine is taking care of this 76 year old man.
61 year old female finally meeting her damaged inner child. I am thankful for my therapist and our weekly meetings and the work she has helped me accomplish so far.
the affirmations of “we can tolerate being misunderstood” bc it’s no longer unsafe rlly got to me, thank you. being misunderstood is a big trigger for me for many reasons that i can think of 😅 i knew why i didn’t like it and why it set me off, but this feels like the first time it’s been pointed out to me in this way.
All my childhood I've been told I'm "too sensitive" and "other people have it worse". And if I brought any issue to my mom, she would get angry at me because "there's nothing I can help you with", as if that's what I was asking for. My dad told me I suck at singing lessons after one month. He also said I suck at guitar, to later come into my room, after 6 months, telling me how great I am and how I "surpassed him". I still can't do music anymore - everytime I try, I hear his voice in my head, his first words. Thank you for this video, I had no one to say it to me when I needed it.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was told I was "too high strung" and to "always be grateful". I was a very very very sick child (legitimately chronically physically ill) so it probably saved my life (literally) but also took me years to recover from not ALWAYS looking at the bright side. I've learned through therapy that there's room for ALL the emotions. Anyway, your story touched me and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I hope you can find courage and healing. You deserve that.
@@sarahdoanpeace3623 Thank you so much, Sarah. What I shared is 1% of my story, it's way worse than that but it means a lot that it touched you and thank you for your message. :) I'm working on it everyday and sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't. Wishing you the same - courage and healing. That's all we all need, really.
@@cristinat.8639 you're most welcome. If you can find even more courage to share it on a greater level, please do. It's inspiring and helpful. It could help others. Sending love and healing.
I find that I really struggle with answering direct questions about what I think, what is my opinion, how do I think this situation should be resolved, etc. My answers are almost always what I believe the other person is looking for. I’m just now at 49 years old realizing I’ve been doing this my whole life. And when I go to say what I actually “think” it’s so scary, it sometimes makes me cry because I’m so afraid of being “wrong” or having the other person dismiss me. I have so much work to do in this area. Thank you for this video, it’s really helped.
I completely understand. When I was 19, my friend went away with her boyfriend for the weekend. My mother asked me what I though about this. I asked my mom if she wanted the answer she wanted to hear or what I thought (I was so bold LOL). My mom said, What I thought. I told her, Yes, I would go on vacation with him. She then spouted off about why I shouldn't do that, the religious ramifications (I was not religious) etc. She then asked me why I would go on vacation with an unmarried man. My elderly aunt was over at the time and replied for me - It's better than going away with a married one. I died laughing and went over to give her a big hug. Starting the healing journey.
I remember one morning I got up late for school, this was actually very common because I was bullied and didn't like going to school, I would get anxiety over it and couldn't sleep. My mother was very angry as usual and so on the way to school she was driving like a maniac. This little girl was playing with her dog in the street. My mother hit the dog killing it, the girl was screaming and my mother looked at me and said "See what you made do!". This is just one example of many of being gaslit. I wish you could be my therapist, I've tried getting help but good therapists are hard to find. Thank you for this video🙂
Oh my god, that’s absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry you (and that poor girl!) went through that. Im sure you already know, but in case no one’s said it plainly to you: this obviously wasn’t in any way your fault ❤️🩹
Thank you everyone for the comments. I 've always been the scapegoat of my family. Even now when I bring up this story to my mother, she still refuses to accept any responsibility for her part in this. There so much to tell, like blaming me for her divorce and listening to her have sex with someone I couldn't stand. Many of these memories still haunt me even at 47 years old. I can't wait until my life is over...I'm so lonely
The hospital was great illustration of this tipping point basically “babies are going to go uncared for…” “your colleagues will be short staffed and completely overwhelmed…”
This is so helpful. I really struggle with gaslighting myself and second guessing myself. Going No Contact with my immediate family was really the beginning of healing my trauma. I realize that being alone gives me the motivation to unlearn the dysfunctional patterns. It's really layers and layers of dysfunctional patterns that keeps one stuck.
Me watching this, still going in my head: "It wasn't that bad, I'm just sensitive", while also crying at the words, hee ho. Luckily, working with a therapist on this, just starting to dig into this realm. Thank you for your videos.
That’s my number one way of gaslighting myself! I ALWAYS feel the need to minimize my experiences in order to either: stick up for the abuser/s or to justify their behavior as to why I deserved that or how I was in the wrong or invading my feelings because of my perception based on the fact that I was lucky and it could have been worse so why am I complaining instead of being relieved? *“Well it wasn’t as bad as… so I guess I was lucky” *“At least they didn’t… so I should feel grateful I was protected from…” *“Even though (fill in the blank occurred)... this didn’t happen… so I shouldn’t feel...” *“I shouldn’t feel xyz because my situation wasn’t as horrific & others are more worthy to acknowledge they were a victim of abuse because ‘technically’ it wasn’t that abusive compared to…”
My brain, whenever an emotional vampire latches onto me: "Well, THEY like me, so this is a good friendship, right? It's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them. Sure, they can be a little annoying, but I can be annoying too! I'm no prize! Who am I to judge anybody? They're not a BAD person. They had a rough childhood. It doesn't cost me anything to spend time with them and listen to them and support them, especially if it means so much to them! If I can't look past other people's faults, how can I expect anyone to put up with mine? I really should be grateful that anybody likes me and wants to spend time with me. This is a very positive relationship." My dad: *is a soul-sucking covert narc* My mom: *see above*
Hooooooooly fuck, that could be an excerpt straight from my brain. Good god lmfao. Thank you for sharing. Helps a lot to see it written out like that by someone who isn’t me.
I finally put my foot down with my mom, I trusted my intuition and said no. Needless to say, we aren’t speaking now. And Im now gaslighting myself… I’m just being selfish, it wasn’t that bad, I’m such an ungrateful brat and I need to fix this now. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who reminds me when I’m deep into those thoughts, that they aren’t true. I have a great therapist ive recently started seeing who’s helping me heal my inner child. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, for sharing tools to help us recover. You are a remarkable human doing remarkable work.
You’re doing your mom a favor. I finally learned about co-dependence and how much projection was going on. I believe that setting clear boundaries with my mom is helping her heal, encouraging her to set boundaries and leaving no ambiguity about what is acceptable. Your mom may even been proud of you deep down, even if she attempts to gaslight you. Take it off both of your plates. No needs no explanation.
The best thing I ever did for myself was, at age 45, to tell my mother that we would only communicate via letter, because my therapist said so. I would get anxiety attacks whenever I spoke to her on the phone. (Thankfully my husband was in the military and we lived hundreds of miles away from her. No, she never wrote.) When she died a few years ago, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" and did not go to her funeral. Yes, I still have work to do because I still have a lot of anger.
I tried to explain this to my last therapist because I really needed help to know how to fight this. I felt so insecure, I still do and she just said to me “you don’t need anyone” and it made me feel insane. I’m tired of explaining this experience of reality and being classified as needy, codependent and lazy. I just need help, not to be judged for asking it.
There are a LOT of bad therapists out there. Many psychiatrists and therapists go into that field to fix their own problems. So, you have mentally ill people trying to fix themselves through other mentally ill people. How ridiculous, right?
@@teresamanuszak4183 It's not ridiculous at all, its the only way it makes sense. When I want to lose weight and learn how to keep it off for good, I consult with a fitness specialist who has "been there done that". You don't learn sh*t about living a healthy lifestyle from someone who was born with a fast metabolism and didn't have to work for it. I think your comment is a reflection of your own insecurity, feeling the need to tear others down just to make yourself feel better.
@@athens31415 ok, so I am trying not to "overexplain", but it appears that my comment is being misconstrued. (1) I was trying to support the original comment, being that I have had similar experiences. (2) I personally have had specific instances of unprofessionalism from therapists, psychiatrists, etc etc over the span of 20 years, since I left my abusive family. I have gotten worse because of their incompetence. (3) These SPECIFIC examples include-A- Hearing more about my therapist's problems than them helping me with my own. B- After having everyone focus on my OCD (which I do have), I presented that I need work in CPTSD to a psychiatrist. I was told by the psychiatrist "ONly Veterans get PTSD". I ended up enraged after going through years of ridiculousness, walking out of the lobby screaming about this. It was at that point I realized I needed to give up for awhile, and since have mainly done videos. C- The therapist at that time GHOSTEd me, as in would cancel 15 minutes before sessions once a week. She also would disappear for a week or two with no text, email, or phone call. I looked up her reviews recently, and I see SEVERAL people saying the same thing. Further, any time I mentioned anything, she would ramble about her divorce, the psycho ex husband, how she had to go to court, how she just spent two hours arguing with insurance on another patient, etc. D- I have been misdiagnosed for 20 years on either bipolar instead of OCD, because Bipolar is the hot diagnosis. Everyone is bipolar because everyone needs to pay for bipolar meds. My symptoms are textbook CPTSD and OCD, period. I have had to argue and debate, and I finally am getting better from self diagnosis. ******I could go on and on and on about 30 years of mishaps, but nobody wants to hear it. And now I just wrote more than I should have because people can't figure out what I was trying to say, and I shouldn't have to defend myself because NOBDOY KNOWS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. ANd that one of you that said "THere aren't LOTS of bad therapists", excuse me have you gone around and investigated all of the patients and therapists across the country to be able to BOLDY DECLARE THIS? No, you haven't. I as a patient have been friends with people ABUSED by tehrapists, I could write ten books on examples of this. NOW GO AWAY!
I went through so much of this. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived. I've been suicidal most of my life, living in extreme isolation, wrestling with flashbacks or disassociation.
Seriously grateful for these comments, also to Patrick for saying it like it is, kinda. Not to get twisted out of shape, but broken people do aggregate into broken systems.
One of the most eye opening things that a friend of mine told me was: “would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or will only love you when it benefits them?”. It’s no wonder I felt like it was wrong to just be my own person and they would say I was “not on the same page” 😒
There was many, many times my brother, sister, and I were shamed by our parents into overlooking the abuses we endured by others because our parents were more concerned about fitting in, being friends, and being non-confrontational with the parents of the kids that were bullying us, hurting, and stealing from us. One incident (out of many and certainly not the worst but it fits in with your video narrative) was my sister and I had one Barbie doll each. The neighbor girl was an extremely spoiled thief that had 4 or 5 of everything but it was never enough. Our very talented great aunt made one-of-a-kind Barbie doll clothes for our dolls. They were beautiful and we cherished them. The spoiled neighbor girl wasn't having any of that and stole not only the clothes but our dolls! We know she did this because we found them in her house. Our mother told us to stop crying and not make a scene while we, as 5 and 6 year-olds felt like our hearts were being ripped out. The thief played with our stolen things in front of us and we were never allowed to complain.
God, that's awful, literally torture. I genuinely can't understand how people can't even have a minimal sense of justice? That was basic... I hate so much when adult people don't believe in children.
This makes so much sense. My mom used to ask me why I did something or what I was thinking. After telling her, she would then say “no, this is why you did it.” My answers were never good enough or maybe they just didn't line up with how she felt. I really don't have much confidence in my own feelings or thoughts, and as an adult have to put logical thoughts into my feelings to validate them. I find that very hard to do a lot of the time. I think as a result I'm very slow to speak up for myself because the process of explaining to myself what happened in a situation and validating my feelings for myself and then being able to communicate that to others takes so long that most people see me as a pushover or meek.
"indebted vibe" - yes, totally understand this point, unfortunately. I felt like a burden, an inconvenience, and that made me think "what's wrong with me?" a lot. I felt ashamed for asking for pretty much anything. I felt wrong all the time, regardless of what I chose. Asking my family for guidance or help just led to a bunch of confusion and irritation because they'd toss out disaster scenarios (negative what ifs) for whichever situation. Omg...yes, I can see why I second guessed myself for so long! Just being aware of that fact has helped, and I don't do it near as much anymore. Your videos are part of my ongoing healing; they help me to flashback and release more. Thank you, great topic and examples! 💕
Yes I see all this in myself... my mom is an enabler flying monkey prob a vul.narc and propped up all my n fathers bad behaviours and everything was very cold emotionally. I knew early doors (and didn't work as anything set n.father off) to do everything 'right', this was compounded then by being neglected and gaslighting and allowed to be scapegoated by mom. What's totally the crusher is that mom now tells me I'm incapable mentally ill and can't decide on things. Seriously! do these people not understand what it means to parent a child... I know the answer already BUT I've felt like this all my life and been painted defective I cannot comprehend it and this from insecure people who went out of their way to hold me down and back and cause thself doubt in the first place! They don't and won't ever get it either it's much easier to blame us project on us.. A very hard pill to swallow 🙏🙏🙋
@@bereal6590 the hardest thing for me is people who've abused or unfriended me, their lives are better than mine, I've gone through hunger, unemployment and homelessness, yet, they've never known any of this, even family that were born after have disowned me, sorry, but I'm at the point were I wish I had never been born.
@@justelleslife507 They're not more deserving of better outcomes or morally superior to you. Just have a different life trajectory from you. Keep walking - your path has meaning and value. You have unique value and love.
I was adopted by my narcissistic aunt into her cult family. I had been living alone (ignored) by my alcoholic father for three years, after my mom died when I was ten. Indebted, that's all I got was I should be grateful for torment because they took me in. Here, be our slave, you'll never be good enough to be us and you get to hear it every day, but be grateful for it because we took you under our roof. Yeah, I still struggle 20 years later, but I am doing a lot of work on healing now.
High school drama teacher impressed with my skill. At 20, I told my mom I might go try Hollywood. She absolutely flipped into a nasty smack down: "You won't MAKE it in Hollywood! Do you KNOW how many young WOMEN go down there and FAIL?! Forget IT-you'll just end up becoming a PROS-titute!" SO f***ed UP, but it worked. I failed at everything, took zero risks (like Hollywood), and I'm so terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed in jack squat. She'd just sh*t all over it. I believe extreme jealousy drove her to compete with us. Our success would shine a HUGE spotlight on her own miserable failures. She still remains vicious and cruel, so both girls have zero contact. Blows.
The interesting part of the child who parents is that at least in my experience even though I feel responsible for everyone I absolutely hate the fact that I feel that way. I mean what’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they take care of themselves?
I still get triggered by this - especially in romantic relationships where I feel I am being asked to do something that is the other person’s responsibility not mine. In ways that I feel “icky” rather than healthy helping. Then, of course, I am told that I am selfish.
@@happylindsay4475 “Icky” and “disgust” are words/labels that really help me describe those kind of situations, so thanks for that :D The only way to describe it before this was something along the lines of “a discrepancy between the situation outside and the feeling/intuition signaling me from the inside” which made me feel shame for giving in and doing what the other person demanded when I knew something was seriously off. They would always say “just do it,” or “just let it go,” while telling me that I was being dramatic/selfish. I was like, how am I supposed to “just go along with it” when I felt REPULSED by the mere thought of it? Yup, wayyyy icky.
Agreed, I also kept wondering why no one was really responsible (mental and emotional development) for me. I’ve been stuck at “when’s it my turn to be taken care of?” but now I guess I just have to do it myself like all along. These videos have been maybe the most blessed thing I’ve come across.
Wow. It took me an hour to watch this 20 minutes video because I wrote down all the exercises and my brain kept shutting down so I couldn't remember what I'd just heard. It's sooo painful but it makes so much sense. I was looking into a painting class and have been gaslighting myself out of signing up for it... Was going to do that until it was too late to register and then I would berate myself for not signing up. I'm so awful to myself, it's shocking when I do these exercises and admit it. Thank you for these videos.
"Gaslighting isn't real. You made it up because you're freaking crazy!" In all seriousness, thank you so much for these wonderful videos. They provide a completely new perspective ony childhood. 💖
1:37 “shame nest” that’s a great way to describe it….addressing a parents bad behavior then have them “flip the script” and make YOU feel bad for even bringing it up.🤦🏽♀️
This was done to me my whole life by my family. I'm at the point of not being able to tolerate this type of behavior. For the last ten years I've had very little contact with any of them with the exception of my mother, and even that is pretty minimal. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He literally saved my life. I love the phrase " normal reaction to an abnormal situation". When I told my therapist that same thing, she just gave me a blank stare. Needless to say, I don't see her anymore. Thank you for the great video! Very re-enforcing! 🙏🙌
Sometimes coaches are better than therapists. The ‘And how does that make you feel’ lasted for awhile to make my feelings validated, then got boring and somewhat empty. I needed goals-especially solutions, and a way to deal with my reactions. I find Caroline Leafs work helpful at this point. She has some good books and ideas..
@@thistree9028 I will definitely look into Caroline Leaf. I have never heard of her. I get what you mean about the "And how does that make you feel'. I don't remember hearing the term narcissistic abuse until recently. I think most therapists don't even know what it is. It helps when the person helping you has had the same types of experiences, otherwise how can they help. Sometimes a re-victimization can happen from the therapist and they are not even aware that they are doing it. I have had that happen to me, and I find that coaches are much better.
@@ancientmuse7297 Yeah, we are pioneers in the narcissism experience. No one should be are Gurus, but developing thinking skills can help a lot in wading through the quagmire..There’s good info- not so much at times, out there. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I’m going to sleep now…
Entirely up to you if you ever want to return to therapy, but good therapist can be really hard to find… too many people walk around with the credentials but actually does more harm than good… I know this from personal experience as well as studying to be a counselor now.
it took years and many doctors and therapists to find someone that actually helped me, there's good professionals out there, but they are hard to find. My last therapist changed my life, and im so grateful, the more the time passes the more i think i should have paid him more, the value of what i got increases. over time. But yeah, i had lot's of years and money wasted on people that didn't really care about me. One of them literally said to me "i don't get you" and i was there so unable to react, i felt hopeless, if a psychologist couldn't get me i was doomed. But that's not true, im nothing special, she just sucks at her job.
I remember being a kid with low self esteem and for years, I wanted to be good at things like my brother after seeing how much praise he got. Growing up, my self esteem was very low and the thing I wanted most in life was recognition like my brother got. In 9th grade, I joined the cross country team. I believed that If I tried as hard as I could, I would be the fastest runner on the team despite not having done distance running before. I was wrong. In the time trial, I came in last and when I told my mom, I falsely believed she would be encouraging and would say that even though I didn't do that great, I should keep on trying. I still wonder what drugs I was on that would make me do think she would respond like that. I shouldn't have told her the truth. But I did and she was furious. She blamed me for how I probably have embarrassed myself, embarrassing her, and how all the other girls would make fun of me. She became even more mad when I told her I wanted to keep going to practice. I remember sitting in my room that evening, contemplating if there was anything I was good at, desperately reflecting on any achievements I may have had, and finding none. I wondered if my life was a lost cause. Lastly, I thought about what would happen if I stayed on the team, wondered about the possibility of being decent, or even really good at something. At that moment, I decided to stay on the team, despite not knowing how the outcome would be for me, not knowing if I would find success, but I stayed on in spite of my mom. She wasn't supportive of me until I actually became a decent runner, and then a good runner. But I knew that she would only give me support, only if I was good at something. I hated that reality and rarely ever let her come to the races, since I decided that she really didn't deserve to be there and that I was the one who encouraged myself, not her. I taught myself that her encouragement isn't as important as the encouragement I give to myself.
Oh my God this makes so much sense to me. I nearly gaslighted myself into marrying someone telling myself that the feelings would grow later even if I didn't really feel like I wanted to.
I actually told myself that and now finally after 20,21,22? (I Lost count) years together (20+ yrs married) I fully regret it 100% and am in my 40s trying to figure out how to get income so I can move out.
The same situation happened to me. He loved my abusive mother and she loved him, so it made it that much harder to refuse. I knew that I never wanted children, and I knew that he did. Thankfully you and I were both able to protect ourselves! When my now husband met my mother, he told me that it was obvious that she was completely crazy. It was a light shining through the heavens. I wasn't the insane one!
Great video, thank you. Areas I gaslight myself: feeling unable to judge what is reasonable and unreasonable - seeking other people's opinions because I think they must know better and that their feelings are valid. Massively second guessing myself after leaving relationships. Wanting my friends to talk me into staying in a relationship that feels wrong for me.
I am always stunned by how well you know and explain me and my life experience. Even just hearing you speak the actuality of my childhood. My mother denied that I was even worthy of a right to my own thought process. She is 94 and I am 58, and it's still happening. Kids don't count (the seen and not heard thing). I was an immensely well-behaved child because I was always, and still seeking approval with EVERYTHING. And not getting it turns me into a frantic, panicked hot mess. I was raised as if adults knew everything, without question, and were always right. At 58, I'm still feeling very much like a child, and waiting anxiously for the sudden enlightenment of adulthood to be magically bestowed upon me. I don't think it ever occurred to me it was something I could work toward. But I'm chronically ill, and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep days away. The prospect of committing to all of the hard work to heal makes me want to curl up in a ball in a far corner of my closet. But whether I am able to do any of the work or not, it is SO deeply soothing to feel truly SEEN by you; to have identified to me exactly what was wrong with my situation - and not just what's wrong with me. My mother is the kind of person who didn't speak to me for four days in my early 20s for wearing white pantyhose to a family dinner. White pantyhose make your legs look fat, supposedly. Wow all of these horrible memories are bubbling up in my mind at a frantic pace, and I'm getting angry and resentful. Thank you for your generosity. I'm not in a financial situation to contribute unfortunately, but I would absolutely love to. You are amazingly generous and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very meaningful person in my life.
My heart bleeds for you. She sounds like mine was. I'm glad mine has gone. I never shed one tear. Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve peace. Lana xxx
This was overwhelming for me. I was about to log off but I allowed myself to simulateously feel overwhelmed and continue to see why. And now I know it's a trigger which means most of my childhood was a gaslighting experience and will be discussing this with my therapist.
I've also only had terrible therapy experiences so far. Mostly the therapists dumped their insecurities and problems on me instead of understanding me and trying to help me.
cognitive behavioral therapy is what you probably are looking for, before knowing about it i also felt professionals couldn't help me. needless to say i wasted a lot of money before looking for a specialized therapist.
@@TheMagicOwL127 It might be helpful for some but CBT was the problem for me personally not getting help in therapy. Need a trauma-informed therapist. One size doesn't fit all.
As an adult, in an effort to extend an olive branch to my narc mother I suggested we have a fun road trip in a convertible. She kept talking about other people coming and when I asked why it couldn't be just the two of us she said, reluctantly, that sometimes I was "a bit much." I was stunned. I gave up. That whole family is her family. Not mine. She's always right, I'm always ungrateful and wrong, and even at 52, it's the same. But since I started to say no, every single relationship fell apart to where I am not really even speaking to any of them except her. It's amazing how people reveal their true selves when you say no. It's like a cult and if you're not all in, you're all out.
This video is great. Growing up, I felt like I had to go around life acting like I should apologize for being there or for feeling unhappy when there was a problem (I was told it meant I was ungrateful). And this experience does extend romantically/ professionally or in whatever adult relationships. It's really cathartic to hear all of this. It's validation I never got when I was younger. All of the experiences you've described resonate a lot with me. I think the best and most difficult thing I had to teach myself in the aftermath of my childhood was to stand up for myself and walk away from people or workplaces that weren't good for me and to believe I'd find better things that I was deserving of.
😲 My mom did that so many times... To all of us. Even to my younger sisters that are 10 & 12 yrs younger than me. She never stopped the "I did not!" Or "I don't know what you are talking about." So now when my kids try to recollect something that happened with me, I feel really bad if I sincerely don't remember. But I will say "I'm really sorry I don't remember. But I believe you."
When you mentioned that your mom was an alcoholic and that made you uncomfortable, my FIRST thought was "why? That's not HER fault." So, thanks for helping me spot my own instances of self gaslighting
When my step dad that raised me attempted to molest me i told my mom and got kicked out the house at 13 with no where to go. I was always told when at a friends to not ask for or accept food or people would think my parents werent taking care of me. I was told im a mistake, my mom wished she aborted me, i ruined her life. To this day, at 42, i still feel like nothing i do or say ever will matter and im not important. There is always that little voice that tells me to just let it go instead of standing up for myself. This video has me in tears because now i know what im doing and can slowly fix this. Ive had to cut my mom off and she still acts like she never did anything wrong and i should just let it go. Its all in my head.
I cannot remember most of my childhood from a traumatic situation that happened to me. I believe I had a psychotic episode at 8 yrs old that my parents never got help for me. Eventually I got better but it changed me.They have gaslighted me since I can remember. Always denying what I feel and what has happened. Till this day I struggle with reality and perceptions. It is a conscious effort for me and it really is exhausting. I do have contact with my parents but it is minimal. The fact that I don't remember much makes me distrust them. I believe they don't want to admit to being poor parents.
I can remember a few times standing up to my mom, who controlled the family with what I nicknamed "The Tunnel of Wrath". You did not want to go in that tunnel with her for anything. When you asked "What would happen if..." My response was that I would be shouted down. And if I kept going, eventually it might lead to hitting possibly, not to an extreme. But I can remember my mom being so angry with me that she grabbed a hairbrush and just started hitting me on the arm. I really cannot remember another time of physical violence. But she was always on the edge of anger, very much like the drunk, but drunk with wrath and emotion and a force field which would control everyone around her. As I became an adult, my sister was getting married. Weddings were her time to SHINE. It was all about mom. And we went to try on some dresses. She got very angry at the sales person, kind of like the drunk story. I was so embarrassed by her behavior. And my daughter who was about 12, was literally skulking in a clothes rack to hide from the situation. We got in the car and I was the driver. I had driven over an hour to meet with her and run all these errands. And I told her that I was unhappy with how she treated the woman in the store. She went off! And let me have it... We were all terrible. Her children had no respect for her. blah blah blah. And my daughter was sitting in between us (it was a large van and she was behind and between). It was like watching tennis. I can laugh now, when I think of her head back and forth between us. Turning to her she said "Let's see what SHE thinks. SHE knows I was perfectly fine." And I FLIPPED. I think this is the one time she listened to me. "Do you want to ever see your grandchildren again? If you go here, you won't." She stopped, shut up, folded her arms and seethed and then demanded I take her home immediately. I refused and told her that we were going to flipping run those errands I had carved out the time for and driven to get to and she was going to jolly well behave. And she did. I began standing up to her in my life from that point on, not all the time of course. But I did challenge her when she went off. And she actually got to where she would say she was sorry, usually after a near death experience! (not kidding here). I will say that there is hope for some. My mother was a wounded person too. I try to keep that perspective. A narcissist? Yes in many ways. But she was the product of that upbringing. And she gas-lit my feelings, saying I was too sensitive, or expected me to play the role in the family she thought I should play, which was the peace maker and the one who should give everything up to make everyone else happy. And my father was the fun guy who showed up once in awhile but never parented. I see how that could have been difficult for her too. Now I juggle being the person who gives in too easily and gives up and "gaslights" myself, as I was done through my childhood and as happens with my family members a lot, (now I am too sensitive to ready to be militant, not cooperative, etc) to that person who becomes my mother and let's the other person have it. I don't want to be either. There must be something in between that is healthier behavior. Thank you for your videos. They are incredibly helpful, especially when you put your experiences in there. They resonate deeply.
I love the idea of thanking oneself for buying into the gaslighting, because that’s what helped us survive. Thank you for saying that. It took away the guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying over falling for the lies. ❤️
When I feel happy about something, my mind will throw in something unpleasant to “balance it out”. If there’s nothing bad in reality, it will make it up. It’s astonishing how much my mind has trained itself to stop me from feeling good.
I’m also one of those people who wasn’t just betrayed by their parents but their mentors as well. I honestly envy you for the fact you were lucky enough to find a mentor who didn’t totally and completely betray you, Patrick. I’m glad things were different for you, I really am. 👊
The too sensitive comments, I grew up with this and heard it so many times. My mother later said, “I told you that because the work is a harsh place to live.” Just further exasperated the feelings of my pain or insecurities being too much for her/for anyone. Between 7-14 I was the emotional stabilizer when my parents fought. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry to them to please stop fighting so I could sleep. These things stay with us and I continue to gaslight myself because of all of this. I am so grateful to your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Wow... I never knew that is what I often do to myself. Gaslighting ourselves. Of course we learned to do this. 'A normal response to abnormal things' is one of my newest favourite sayings. It is helping me stop being so hard on myself at times. Thank you. 💖🐨💖
When you said you were called 'selfish', and then when you said we think ourselves as 'burden' i absolutely i ended up crying. i was always the 'problem' child with my mom. i love her, but she has been very very tough on me. i was called a villain, a bad person, i was compared to some of my relatives who have done actual horrible things. Why? Just cuz she doesn't like me. You'll hear her say she 'has always loved me' but her way of 'love' for me is so very different than her love for my younger brother. She told me because i'm the eldest, i shouldn't focus on studying further in History (because i wanted to be an archaeologist) cuz she and my dad are from 'Science' disciplines and my subject is lame. i ended up telling myself that yes, History is lame. She asked, 'What would you do with a degree? Be a teacher?' So i gave up studying further. But my younger brother is 'studying further' and is living abroad. He didn't even think twice, he just up and left. Mom is proud of him cuz he's doing a doctorate in Physics. He will become a 'teacher' in Physics. She said, i have to focus on making money. So i chose animation, told myself this is what i like (i really do like it, but i know my life would've been so much better if only i stuck to will to study History). Then it was just wrong decision after wrong. i got the job but the pay was very low and work hours, terribly. i chose to study fashion, but i told myself, if i leave for college, then who will take care of my parents? So, naturally, i didn't continue. i took financial accounting for monetary reasons, but it was the same thing again. When i said i have to move for work, she got very ill and then i had to stay back. Now i'm unemployed, have nobody, will never have anybody. i only have my parents and i doubt my sanity every. single. day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how old you are but I’m old enough to understand that sometimes you have to free yourself any way you can. Two things you need to remember: 1. This is your life. Don’t live it for someone else and what they think is best path. Give yourself permission to live your life. 2. Jobs and careers that are high status do not always make you happy. Sit down and figure out what would make you happy. Would you be happy working a job you hate, that sucks your time and life but pays well, or a job that makes you excited to wake up, but makes enough to keep a roof and food on the table??? If your love is history, don’t give up on it. You studied financial accounting, but had to stay home. Pursue a remote job, if possible. Use free college course sites to study History on the side. When you learn something interesting, make videos about it on your channels. Share why History is exciting to you… Your enthusiasm will draw others. You may not be able to change your situation right now, but you can change your mindset and not be defeated. Having an overbearing parent can drown out your own thoughts and ideas. That’s why it’s important to be on your own. But if that’s not possible, carve out time and space for yourself where she isn’t around and start thinking of what you want your life to look like. Don’t feel bad if you don’t see it at first. That’s normal. Just observe other peoples lives and write down parts you like or DONT like. Sorry for the long reply. I wish you the best.
Fun side project for you: work on your own animation of historical periods you like. We’re all cheering you on. You can still escape and have your own life and still be near and dear to your parents, it’s never too late.
I’d have to say this is one of my favorites, so important to our healing is to trust our intuition and being aware of how we shut it up is the beginning to shifting the paradigm.
I have an alcoholic mother, narcissistic father (pill addiction), and I’m the HSP scapegoat while older sister is golden child (BPD, histrionic). I’ve cut off my dad and sister 4 months ago.this year with the help of you, therapists over zoom and two other therapists videos I feel like I’m really improving my life. Finding out these roles unlocked so much realization and healing for me, sometimes it seems like you’re talking about me exactly.I also realized I was majorly triggered at work (thank you for that video) and surrounded myself with narcissists. It’s very healing and comforting to know these roles and traumas have been named and that we have tools to heal them. Thank you. I’ve now got a boss that truly values me, have said goodbye to narcissistic friends, and focus firstly on myself and my healing.
Thank you so much, because you have just validated an employment decision I made a couple of years ago. I was expected to schedule so that I was doing non-billable time outside of office hours. When I refused, the owner and lead clinician tried to shame me into it. For the first time in my life, I stuck up for myself and lost the job. I know I was right, but I've felt guilty for losing a job because I was "uncooperative." You've made it clear that not only was it okay, it was important for me to do it. Thank you!
i LOVE LOVE love how you affirm the past and the truth of what happened... to me there something so right about that. it seems like its so much more popular to go lalala "DONT BRING UP YOUR PAST" that ugly stuff. dont talk about it it doesnt help to talk about it. and to me its just compacting down on shame. so annoying. everyone has their process though
I have actually howled with tears at this. I've been doing each and every example that you've listed and then some. I am 35, I've been trying to get past this trauma and change the behaviour for all of my all-too-early adulthood to no avail, and right now my inner child is crying too, because she doesn't think it will ever change. Thank you for putting our experiences in such concise words, dealing with childhood trauma sometimes feels like some crazy fantasy villain - knowing traumas' real names gives you some power over it. I am also wishing for a magical sword and a trusty comic-relief sidekick, but I'll unlock that level someday. Right? Right guys?
This is issue Im currently having so much trouble with, so this video came in a perfect time. In these strange times, this is a beacon of hope and reassurance that my feelings matter and are valid.
During an argument I told my dad who was sick with cancer that “sometimes I wish I had cancer” and he replied “good, someday you will have it” Emotional slap in the face, and he never apologized.
I looked at the title and was like “huh, so that’s what it’s called”. Thanks for the great educational videos, really does help me understand myself and others.
I never got to say “no” growing up. My parents thought everything a child said in disagreement with them was disrespectful. If you said “but mom”, that was met with a slap or harsh punishment. I had no voice until I moved out of their home at 18. It took me years and I still have problems with speaking up. I’ve literally been gaslit most of my existence. Sad but true. Thanks again Patrick for validating me.
i’m currently going through a process of understanding what my shame or worry comes from. it was shocking to me to understand almost immediately that i have been gaslighting myself due to some childhood issues and trauma that has happened to me. thank you so much for this video or just your whole channel! you’ve helped me so much
I ended contact with bio family 31yrs ago and went through intense reparenting before had kids, unfortunately stress of kids is a trigger to those old tapes of inadequacy and had a mate who also was from a toxic family and wanted to replicate it. Suffice it to say I have gotten really good at ending things in many situations. Many manipulative ploys were pulled by bio family and they claimed my boundaries damaged the family, a friend told me after parents died that I had been an orphan way before their death and was doing fine. Now dealing with a neurologist for atypical presentation of a rare disease that is responding to the med but because she didn't diagnose it, can't possibly work because there is no disease. smh. Took 3wks to pull myself back to center after this gaslighting. Self doubt, like acne , is lifelong.
Oh, the one that sticks with me is whenever I tried something new and my dad was watching, he'd quickly get irritated if I didn't do it right first time and say very tersely, "oh for God's sake, let me do it!" And he'd take over, often grabbing things out of my hands in the process and shouldering me to the side, muttering about having to do everything himself. 🙄 as you can imagine that doesn't lead to an adult who is willing to try new things! I educated myself out of it, my natural curiosity won over eventually, but I do wonder how much more I could have achieved if that limitation hadn't been instilled in the first place. I can forgive my dad for this because I know what his background was like. It was truly awful for him growing up so as much as he may not have got it quite right with me and my older brother, we still had a much better childhood than he ever did. In actual fact, I'm quite proud of my dad for breaking the cycle of serious physical and emotional torture and abuse he endured at his mother's hands
Thanks for sharing these insights. Really helpful in becoming aware of the patterns and distortions. Growing up with an alcoholic mother with severe verbal abuse and reality distortion was hard to combat. Gaslighting was normal in my family. And then somehow I continued questioning, doubting, and gaslighting myself. Also, I became overly sensitive to even the slightest sign of gaslighting around me. It takes time to course-correct this as you practice awareness and recognize what’s going on.
Patrick, I appreciate you sharing that you worked in the restaurant industry in your teens and twenties. I feel that your analogy to toxic family systems is spot on. I worked in the restaurant industry for over 15 years. For most of that time (once I was old enough), I began working for my family's restaurant. My family is horribly dysfunctional and the restaurant was managed in an equally dysfunctional way. Those years of my life were the most miserable working years of my life. I took my role in my family system (SG) to my workplace every day. It was hell. I love going out to restaurants alone and just chatting with the bar staff and I try to make friends with the service staff. At my one regular place, they all know I was a server. They treat me like one of them. I absolutely love the friendships you can make working in the restaurant industry. There is a camraderie to it. Thank you for all your hard work.
Love when I had to learn that the way I expected people to react to things was a symptom of my childhood. Had to explain that to my boyfriend when he very quietly asked "do you really think that little of me?"
I swear, with almost every video it feels like you're reaching straight my brain and plucking out specific thoughts, feelings and memories. Thank you so much for sharing your work, story, and healing. You've already helped me so much!
You make me look at and think about things I have never even considered. I finally understand me and feel more normal and in control of my emotions. Thank you for being such a blessing!
When I was really really little my dad told me that the room would flood like in Alice in Wonderland if I cried too much. It was the age where kids are literal … I believed him and didn’t cry for years. At first out of belief, then out of habit. Until I realized I was tricked.
My parent frequently used the phrases: •"You never know!" •"You dont want that." •"Later you will get tired of that color / style choice." •"No one is doing that."
Oof, I can only watch so many of your videos at a time because it’s hard to deal with my traumatic childhood. With that said, I love your videos, they’re so helpful, it’s just hard and draining to face these a lot of things in one sitting. When I was 5 I went to someone’s house and forgot my dolls and then the kid didn’t want to give them back to me, so my mom blamed me for forgetting them and told me she’d never buy me another Barbie in my life, and she didn’t, ever. She didn’t stand up for me to ask for my dolls to the neighbor. And these are just one instance. I have so many more in my teens when I started standing up to things that felt wrong that she was doing, I was gaslit and it’s so hard for me to stand up for myself now without feeling intense anxiety.
Gas Lighter in my life, “If you had these ‘gut feelings’ why did you choose men like that?” Me, “Because you taught me that my gut feelings were wrong.” Of course I didn’t say it. It would have been pointless.
You should receive a medal for these videos! I can't express how helpful they are. Really, Patrick, you're doing an amazing job, thank you for making these for us, for free! The examples from your personal life fit so well and as much as I feel sorry for what you went through, I also I am proud for the person you are today. This inspires us and is a statement that we too can change and escape the toxic family system
I have just started using the word no at the age of 49 without feeling guilty. I always felt if someone asked something of me I had to say yes for fear of letting them down or upsetting them. I realise that it's ok to say no and that people are wrong at times. This comes from someone who was emotionally blackmailed by their mother. To think after entering an arranged marriage at 17 and always doing what my parents said as I thought they were always right and you should never question them after pleasing them for so long they dropped me like a hot potato and I have not seen them for over 12 years as they moved and I found out by looking on the internet.
I was just going to foster a dog then try to get her adopted. My amazing partner wanted me to keep her; but I knew it would overwhelm me because I have 3 other dogs. I thought I should do it because I didn’t want to lose him, so I agreed. Now I’m in a bind with her, and he agrees on giving her up. I just should have said no in the first place. I guess I was just afraid that if I said what I thought I would lose the amazing connection we have made. Thank you for this video, and all your videos really. They really help me put my life into the right context so I can reflect and finally heal.
My little sister had severe anxiety and other issues that didnt have a name back in the 80s. She had a therapist her entire childhood just to get her to go to school. She demanded everything from my parents under the threat of throwing a fit, she threw fits daily anyway. They gave in. She sat in the passenger seat of the car, my mom sat in back with me, granted shes like 7 years old at this point. She missed all of 5th grade. My mom went back to work and left me with my sister, never explaining what the issue was just that she was a "bad kid." Throw in my loveless narcissist father who blew up at me for breaking something worth $5, even then I was like wtf? Never an "it's ok son, we'll get another." No it was always "goddammit! What the hell did you do?" Terrible. I was traumatized by all this and they did nothing and neglected me further. I went low contact purposefully and moved across the country knowing that I would never experience love and acceptance from them. I acted out a fool for decades but to them I was a perfect angel genius. I fooled them, but it was too easy. My sister matured a bit, but my issues went unresolved until now since I started looking into this. I've been people pleasing killing myself for "music" (the only thing my dad enjoyed) which is pretty much a toxic system too. Type 1 diabetes, chronic neck pain. Unresolved trauma. Giving in to everyone's demands. Somehow married a woman whose family says 'I love you" to each other every day. Definitely not my experience. When I tried to talk about my childhood my mom would say "you had a great childhood!" Total gaslighting. Then we'd talk about how my sister was a "bad kid" and I'd say that it affected me, she'd say "but you're ok, right? I don't want to have to worry." I spent my life evading my family and protecting them at the same time.
This video was so validating. Your story about the extra shifts and restaurant manager really resonated with me. I have had a toxic job for over 2 years. Being asked to take call on weekends last minute, PTO cancelled last minute, changing work hours last minute, being yelled at and talked over by a manager because I said I had to look after my health and well-being and would not take the extra call or hours. I am proud to say I did not gaslight myself this time. I knew in my gut this was toxic. I tried a rational explanation and proposed other options in writing, all of which was ignored and disregarded. I waited months to see if things would improve, they didn’t. I submitted my resignation a week ago. I felt empowered and recognized when I was letting shame try to gaslight me and I didn’t let it. Both of My parents put work before family, so there is that too. But I recognized it. Your videos have been a great help as are your personal stories. Thank you. This morning I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come in healing my codependency.
Indebted child who was gaslit to feel guilty about being mentally ill (ironically, from all the abuse), made to feel like a burden for being sick, told none of the abuse EVER happened my entire life, had my suffering constantly minimized, told I was trash at the things I loved to do, compared to other "better" children. Even now, my dad replaced me with his new wife's adult autistic daughter and showed vested interest in her kid's passions, which I never, EVER got. I am still full of hate, confusion, and loathing, and gaslight myself constantly. My dad literally made fun of me for having "daddy issues" my entire life. Let that one sink in. To this day, I struggle in every single facet of my life, the autism compounding those issues tenfold.
My dear mother was never drunk - she was just "tired" 😔 I felt so bad, more lonely and unsafe every time my parents got drunk, and my mother only said she loved me, when she was really, really "tired", and somehow that just didn't ring true to me because her dismissive behaviour when she wasn't "tired" contrasted her words. I didn't know what to believe, and I guess I still don't. I'm still gaslighting myself big time. Thank you for your wonderful channel, guidance and help 💜
Thank you for explaining that it's possible to gaslight yourself. I had never understood that was what was going on. It's SO helpful to be able to put that word to my internal dialog as it actually allows me to see it as "harmful and wrong" where before I was shaming myself into believing that arguing with that voice in my head (the one that's gaslighting me) just made me an "entitled brat". It's a bit weird to think of it this way, but to know that the abuse we suffered as children caused our inner child to sort of "become" our new abuser because they picked up the habits so strongly and we've lived with it so long we see it as the normal is so helpful.
Oh! You are excellent. I’ve gotten so turned off by gaslighting videos because they are always blaming another person. But in the end a person gaslights themselves because they have a weak sense of self.
I just want to drop in and tell you that your content is excellent and that you touch upon subjects rarely addressed in textbooks and therapy. Good job and keep it up
Like i've never been this seen ever! Right now i was about to link this vid to my best friends and my inner child went like: "You're exaggerating, stop victimizing yourself!! You don't need all that psychological knowledge, you're just wining right now" This is ridiculous how deeply rooted all of this is. Gaslighting myself even now
“Self-doubt and shame are essentially the same thing”.
A HUGE BOMBSHELL right there.
It’s a lot to feel or even look at.😒
The same! Oh my I have some inner work needed.
I feel like a self-portrait of self-doubt and shame. It says if it's a life sentence. And it's so painful to say that.
it might happen that shame --may-cause --> self doubt but i don't think they're the same
i think self doubt could be beneficial if used in order to make informed decisions. like: exploring a problem from different angles. and sometimes you find out that you overlooked some aspects and that ends up changing the right answer, changing the decision to a better one.
i imagine shame more like a fear of failure or fear of not showing up to expectations
Yes!
I definitely gaslight myself around emotions a lot. Any negative emotion is immediately met with "they probably have good reasons" "I shouldn't bother them about their problems also affecting me" and any positive emotion is immediately "someone has it worse so I should feel bad for them" or "I'm being weird, no one else is this excited about this"
I had/have some of the exact same self-talk! It goes back to my childhood when my dad, who is so SeNsItIvE, could only see his feelings and other people's (incomprehensible) behaviour. So I learned to only see other people's feelings and my own behaviour... so [until the abusive arsehole in 2016, after which i got into therapy] if someone treated me badly I'd consider that they were probably stressed and what they're going through in their life and how maybe their communication style is a bit different than mine and I'm making a big deal over something that probably isn't even intentional... meanwhile also having social anxiety that somehow I'm giving off unintentional vibes that hurt other people or something. Total double standard.
It never even occurred to me that it even _mattered_ if someone else's problems were affecting me. Being proud of myself or being told that someone was proud of me came under the heading of "if we say anything it will give you a swelled head" or worse, unspoken, "so what?"
It was only after I left that I realized I was getting mixed messages from my ex based on how what I did affected him.
I still struggle with applying the words "proud of myself" without the tag of bragging.
If I said no to anyone in my toxic family, they would use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. Or I would be punished for being selfish. Saying no came with real consequences in a narcissistic family.
Feel that.
My family continued with their relationships with the abuser & just didn't give me any option, either like their choices or not. It didn't bother them in the slightest as long as their life didn't change. 'it didn't happen to them' so hey should their life change?
Two years ago at the grand age of 53, walked away from them all & their horrible dysfunction. Covering cracks doesn't work for me anymore, I've found my voice.
Feel that, when he asked the question I thought about it and I really don't remember ever saying no to my parents, even as a very small child I was known for never being ornery about anything (because I was so neglected) if I wasn't going to do what I was told I would just quietly not do it, I don't think I outright refused to do anything ever in my childhood
Ooh yep! I totally get where you're coming from. Even asking for minor and basic consideration was met with accusations of selfishness. Taught me never to stand up for myself even if I was being reasonable and just asking to be treated as a human.
If I said no to anyone in my family, I would have been beaten within an inch of my life
WOW been there
How I gaslight myself while doing the journal prompts:
“We have the right to our truth about the issue. We have the right to how we see things”
Me “doesn’t that mean our abuser has the right to how they perceive their reality of the situation since their behaviors are also molded from unresolved childhood trauma?”
I always go back to either being devils advocate or letting my empathy toward others hinder this process.
Yes, they can think whatever they want, just don't allow it to be at your expense. If we always look to them first in trying to be compassionate, kind, understanding, then who are we neglecting? Abusers do not have the right to put their toxic reality and behaviour on other's and we do not have tolerate it.
@@annemurphy8074 We can do both. We can have empathy while still saying NO and drawing the line where it needs to be drawn.
Aaaaaah relatable. The thing is, it’s more than just the right to know our truth: it’s our right to _assert_ that truth as well. And the abusers have been doing that their whole lives, while we never got to. You’re not taking their truth away from them by asserting your own. You’re simply offering another perspective, one that’s never had the chance to be heard. We all have the right to be listened to, and the abusers have been listened to PLENTY. It’s your turn now. You deserve it.
Oh my godd exactly this 😩
SAME
"Stop yelling!" "I'm not yelling, we are having a discussion!"
um... did our parents get that from somewhere or are you me
Aaaah, for us growing up it was always, "Please stop yelling!" "I'm not yelling! YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I'M YELLING!!"
Thanks for sharing. This struck a chord for me. I used the word yelling to describe the more severe tone of the adult in my life to her once. Maybe the voice wasn't raised much (or it was and I just allowed the moment to be changed according to her) but she was so quick to tell me she wasn't yelling. Still don't know if I was having struggles to communicate clearly (as I often do) or if she was just defending herself and trying to dictate her image to me. Regardless, I remember that the tone was definitely not in the usual range. Maybe she wasn't technically yelling, but there was some kind of admonishment and anger/upset from her in her big authority role.
@@katherinenicholson9752 I would describe that as hypervigilance. We had to pick up on very slight changes in tonality from our parents to protect ourselves. What others might read as a very slight change, seemed extremely obvious to us as kids. We could pick up on that change in an instant, because we were conditioned to know what comes next. I still can, as an adult. Additionally, the abusers can operate under the guise of "just having a discussion," or, "not yelling," while still stirring up an emotional reaction from you by using very slight changes in tone or speech patterns. There's a science behind it.. that unfortunately many of us are very familiar with.
OMG! That was the theme of my life before leaving home… Now as an adult a see the dysfunctionality of this😕 Yet I tend to repeat that same pattern in relationships and parenting style. Painfully aware, but seemingly unable to change😢😞
Fella you should be given a medal. These videos have given me the insight that I am not the only one who has experienced a rotten crotch childhood. Those memories still come up to haunt me, but I say to myself that they have no more power over me. I have been retired a little over twelve years now and enjoying the most of it.
I know there is a lot of people who do not believe in inner child, but I do. Mine is taking care of this 76 year old man.
So proud of you!!U da man!!
It's never to late to try for happiness, I hope you have a great retirement.
61 year old female finally meeting her damaged inner child. I am thankful for my therapist and our weekly meetings and the work she has helped me accomplish so far.
I'm stealing "rotten crotch" from you. Thank you for this eternal gift 😂
I'm so proud of you❤
the affirmations of “we can tolerate being misunderstood” bc it’s no longer unsafe rlly got to me, thank you. being misunderstood is a big trigger for me for many reasons that i can think of 😅 i knew why i didn’t like it and why it set me off, but this feels like the first time it’s been pointed out to me in this way.
All my childhood I've been told I'm "too sensitive" and "other people have it worse". And if I brought any issue to my mom, she would get angry at me because "there's nothing I can help you with", as if that's what I was asking for. My dad told me I suck at singing lessons after one month. He also said I suck at guitar, to later come into my room, after 6 months, telling me how great I am and how I "surpassed him". I still can't do music anymore - everytime I try, I hear his voice in my head, his first words. Thank you for this video, I had no one to say it to me when I needed it.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was told I was "too high strung" and to "always be grateful". I was a very very very sick child (legitimately chronically physically ill) so it probably saved my life (literally) but also took me years to recover from not ALWAYS looking at the bright side. I've learned through therapy that there's room for ALL the emotions. Anyway, your story touched me and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I hope you can find courage and healing. You deserve that.
@@sarahdoanpeace3623 Thank you so much, Sarah. What I shared is 1% of my story, it's way worse than that but it means a lot that it touched you and thank you for your message. :) I'm working on it everyday and sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't. Wishing you the same - courage and healing. That's all we all need, really.
@@cristinat.8639 you're most welcome. If you can find even more courage to share it on a greater level, please do. It's inspiring and helpful. It could help others. Sending love and healing.
Curious to know, why do you think his later praise didn’t reverse the shaming from a few months prior?
Thank you for sharing, you brought tears to my eyes.
I find that I really struggle with answering direct questions about what I think, what is my opinion, how do I think this situation should be resolved, etc. My answers are almost always what I believe the other person is looking for. I’m just now at 49 years old realizing I’ve been doing this my whole life. And when I go to say what I actually “think” it’s so scary, it sometimes makes me cry because I’m so afraid of being “wrong” or having the other person dismiss me. I have so much work to do in this area. Thank you for this video, it’s really helped.
I completely understand. When I was 19, my friend went away with her boyfriend for the weekend. My mother asked me what I though about this. I asked my mom if she wanted the answer she wanted to hear or what I thought (I was so bold LOL). My mom said, What I thought. I told her, Yes, I would go on vacation with him. She then spouted off about why I shouldn't do that, the religious ramifications (I was not religious) etc. She then asked me why I would go on vacation with an unmarried man. My elderly aunt was over at the time and replied for me - It's better than going away with a married one. I died laughing and went over to give her a big hug. Starting the healing journey.
This resonates with me too, Jeni.
We see you disliking this video, Eric. We're onto your shenanigans, now give this man his walkman back!
I miss Walkmans!
This is something I struggle with a lot. First I react too hard, then I gaslight myself into being too forgiving and making their behaviour my fault.
Same. It drives me crazy. I just posted a comment hoping Patrick will make a follow up video about that.
I remember one morning I got up late for school, this was actually very common because I was bullied and didn't like going to school, I would get anxiety over it and couldn't sleep. My mother was very angry as usual and so on the way to school she was driving like a maniac. This little girl was playing with her dog in the street. My mother hit the dog killing it, the girl was screaming and my mother looked at me and said "See what you made do!". This is just one example of many of being gaslit.
I wish you could be my therapist, I've tried getting help but good therapists are hard to find.
Thank you for this video🙂
Horrible.
That is beyond horrifying behavior on her part. So sorry that you’re having to deal with her outright criminal behavior.
Oh my god, that’s absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry you (and that poor girl!) went through that. Im sure you already know, but in case no one’s said it plainly to you: this obviously wasn’t in any way your fault ❤️🩹
OMG, I'm so sorry that it happend to you, god, this is horrifying behaviour
Thank you everyone for the comments. I 've always been the scapegoat of my family. Even now when I bring up this story to my mother, she still refuses to accept any responsibility for her part in this. There so much to tell, like blaming me for her divorce and listening to her have sex with someone I couldn't stand. Many of these memories still haunt me even at 47 years old.
I can't wait until my life is over...I'm so lonely
The hospital was great illustration of this tipping point basically “babies are going to go uncared for…” “your colleagues will be short staffed and completely overwhelmed…”
The best one ☝️ always-“it won’t be safe if you don’t help out (work extra or longer shifts).” Intensive care shifts.
This is so helpful. I really struggle with gaslighting myself and second guessing myself.
Going No Contact with my immediate family was really the beginning of healing my trauma.
I realize that being alone gives me the motivation to unlearn the dysfunctional patterns. It's really layers and layers of dysfunctional patterns that keeps one stuck.
Absolutely!! Going no contact is the only way to go. Good for you💛 let's heal
Thank you Patrick! You are the best
ALL OF THIS!!!!!! 🙌🏻
Keep up the good work girl!!
Same
Me watching this, still going in my head: "It wasn't that bad, I'm just sensitive", while also crying at the words, hee ho.
Luckily, working with a therapist on this, just starting to dig into this realm.
Thank you for your videos.
That’s my number one way of gaslighting myself! I ALWAYS feel the need to minimize my experiences in order to either: stick up for the abuser/s or to justify their behavior as to why I deserved that or how I was in the wrong or invading my feelings because of my perception based on the fact that I was lucky and it could have been worse so why am I complaining instead of being relieved? *“Well it wasn’t as bad as… so I guess I was lucky” *“At least they didn’t… so I should feel grateful I was protected from…” *“Even though (fill in the blank occurred)... this didn’t happen… so I shouldn’t feel...” *“I shouldn’t feel xyz because my situation wasn’t as horrific & others are more worthy to acknowledge they were a victim of abuse because ‘technically’ it wasn’t that abusive compared to…”
My brain, whenever an emotional vampire latches onto me: "Well, THEY like me, so this is a good friendship, right? It's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them. Sure, they can be a little annoying, but I can be annoying too! I'm no prize! Who am I to judge anybody? They're not a BAD person. They had a rough childhood. It doesn't cost me anything to spend time with them and listen to them and support them, especially if it means so much to them! If I can't look past other people's faults, how can I expect anyone to put up with mine? I really should be grateful that anybody likes me and wants to spend time with me. This is a very positive relationship."
My dad: *is a soul-sucking covert narc*
My mom: *see above*
Hooooooooly fuck, that could be an excerpt straight from my brain. Good god lmfao. Thank you for sharing. Helps a lot to see it written out like that by someone who isn’t me.
I finally put my foot down with my mom, I trusted my intuition and said no. Needless to say, we aren’t speaking now. And Im now gaslighting myself… I’m just being selfish, it wasn’t that bad, I’m such an ungrateful brat and I need to fix this now. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who reminds me when I’m deep into those thoughts, that they aren’t true. I have a great therapist ive recently started seeing who’s helping me heal my inner child. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, for sharing tools to help us recover. You are a remarkable human doing remarkable work.
You’re doing your mom a favor. I finally learned about co-dependence and how much projection was going on. I believe that setting clear boundaries with my mom is helping her heal, encouraging her to set boundaries and leaving no ambiguity about what is acceptable. Your mom may even been proud of you deep down, even if she attempts to gaslight you. Take it off both of your plates. No needs no explanation.
The best thing I ever did for myself was, at age 45, to tell my mother that we would only communicate via letter, because my therapist said so. I would get anxiety attacks whenever I spoke to her on the phone. (Thankfully my husband was in the military and we lived hundreds of miles away from her. No, she never wrote.) When she died a few years ago, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" and did not go to her funeral. Yes, I still have work to do because I still have a lot of anger.
I tried to explain this to my last therapist because I really needed help to know how to fight this. I felt so insecure, I still do and she just said to me “you don’t need anyone” and it made me feel insane.
I’m tired of explaining this experience of reality and being classified as needy, codependent and lazy. I just need help, not to be judged for asking it.
There are a LOT of bad therapists out there. Many psychiatrists and therapists go into that field to fix their own problems. So, you have mentally ill people trying to fix themselves through other mentally ill people. How ridiculous, right?
@@teresamanuszak4183 It's not ridiculous at all, its the only way it makes sense. When I want to lose weight and learn how to keep it off for good, I consult with a fitness specialist who has "been there done that". You don't learn sh*t about living a healthy lifestyle from someone who was born with a fast metabolism and didn't have to work for it. I think your comment is a reflection of your own insecurity, feeling the need to tear others down just to make yourself feel better.
@Barbara Because Patrick's videos are helping me, I'm not even going into explaining why your mess comment is unnecessary. Bye
@@athens31415 ok, so I am trying not to "overexplain", but it appears that my comment is being misconstrued. (1) I was trying to support the original comment, being that I have had similar experiences. (2) I personally have had specific instances of unprofessionalism from therapists, psychiatrists, etc etc over the span of 20 years, since I left my abusive family. I have gotten worse because of their incompetence. (3) These SPECIFIC examples include-A- Hearing more about my therapist's problems than them helping me with my own. B- After having everyone focus on my OCD (which I do have), I presented that I need work in CPTSD to a psychiatrist. I was told by the psychiatrist "ONly Veterans get PTSD". I ended up enraged after going through years of ridiculousness, walking out of the lobby screaming about this. It was at that point I realized I needed to give up for awhile, and since have mainly done videos. C- The therapist at that time GHOSTEd me, as in would cancel 15 minutes before sessions once a week. She also would disappear for a week or two with no text, email, or phone call. I looked up her reviews recently, and I see SEVERAL people saying the same thing. Further, any time I mentioned anything, she would ramble about her divorce, the psycho ex husband, how she had to go to court, how she just spent two hours arguing with insurance on another patient, etc. D- I have been misdiagnosed for 20 years on either bipolar instead of OCD, because Bipolar is the hot diagnosis. Everyone is bipolar because everyone needs to pay for bipolar meds. My symptoms are textbook CPTSD and OCD, period. I have had to argue and debate, and I finally am getting better from self diagnosis. ******I could go on and on and on about 30 years of mishaps, but nobody wants to hear it. And now I just wrote more than I should have because people can't figure out what I was trying to say, and I shouldn't have to defend myself because NOBDOY KNOWS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. ANd that one of you that said "THere aren't LOTS of bad therapists", excuse me have you gone around and investigated all of the patients and therapists across the country to be able to BOLDY DECLARE THIS? No, you haven't. I as a patient have been friends with people ABUSED by tehrapists, I could write ten books on examples of this. NOW GO AWAY!
@Barbara Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful response. Take care.
I went through so much of this. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived. I've been suicidal most of my life, living in extreme isolation, wrestling with flashbacks or disassociation.
Restaurants are like a toxic family 😅 Yep! Worked in them for 20 years.
Can completely relate to your situation.
Most workplaces are like toxic families.
Seriously grateful for these comments, also to Patrick for saying it like it is, kinda. Not to get twisted out of shape, but broken people do aggregate into broken systems.
Retail as well.
One of the most eye opening things that a friend of mine told me was: “would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or will only love you when it benefits them?”. It’s no wonder I felt like it was wrong to just be my own person and they would say I was “not on the same page” 😒
There was many, many times my brother, sister, and I were shamed by our parents into overlooking the abuses we endured by others because our parents were more concerned about fitting in, being friends, and being non-confrontational with the parents of the kids that were bullying us, hurting, and stealing from us. One incident (out of many and certainly not the worst but it fits in with your video narrative) was my sister and I had one Barbie doll each. The neighbor girl was an extremely spoiled thief that had 4 or 5 of everything but it was never enough. Our very talented great aunt made one-of-a-kind Barbie doll clothes for our dolls. They were beautiful and we cherished them. The spoiled neighbor girl wasn't having any of that and stole not only the clothes but our dolls! We know she did this because we found them in her house. Our mother told us to stop crying and not make a scene while we, as 5 and 6 year-olds felt like our hearts were being ripped out. The thief played with our stolen things in front of us and we were never allowed to complain.
God, that's awful, literally torture. I genuinely can't understand how people can't even have a minimal sense of justice? That was basic... I hate so much when adult people don't believe in children.
Sorry that happened to you. My mother gave my clothes away to my friend who had more clothes than me and I had a serious lack of clothes.
Sorry that happened to you. My mother gave my clothes away to my friend who had more clothes than me and I had a serious lack of clothes.
@@SophiesWorld2024 that's terrible and unfair.
bruh. dolls . plastic. there is more to buy
This makes so much sense. My mom used to ask me why I did something or what I was thinking. After telling her, she would then say “no, this is why you did it.” My answers were never good enough or maybe they just didn't line up with how she felt. I really don't have much confidence in my own feelings or thoughts, and as an adult have to put logical thoughts into my feelings to validate them. I find that very hard to do a lot of the time. I think as a result I'm very slow to speak up for myself because the process of explaining to myself what happened in a situation and validating my feelings for myself and then being able to communicate that to others takes so long that most people see me as a pushover or meek.
"indebted vibe" - yes, totally understand this point, unfortunately. I felt like a burden, an inconvenience, and that made me think "what's wrong with me?" a lot. I felt ashamed for asking for pretty much anything. I felt wrong all the time, regardless of what I chose. Asking my family for guidance or help just led to a bunch of confusion and irritation because they'd toss out disaster scenarios (negative what ifs) for whichever situation. Omg...yes, I can see why I second guessed myself for so long! Just being aware of that fact has helped, and I don't do it near as much anymore. Your videos are part of my ongoing healing; they help me to flashback and release more. Thank you, great topic and examples! 💕
Amen to that
Yes I see all this in myself... my mom is an enabler flying monkey prob a vul.narc and propped up all my n fathers bad behaviours and everything was very cold emotionally. I knew early doors (and didn't work as anything set n.father off) to do everything 'right', this was compounded then by being neglected and gaslighting and allowed to be scapegoated by mom. What's totally the crusher is that mom now tells me I'm incapable mentally ill and can't decide on things. Seriously! do these people not understand what it means to parent a child... I know the answer already BUT I've felt like this all my life and been painted defective I cannot comprehend it and this from insecure people who went out of their way to hold me down and back and cause thself doubt in the first place! They don't and won't ever get it either it's much easier to blame us project on us.. A very hard pill to swallow 🙏🙏🙋
@@bereal6590 the hardest thing for me is people who've abused or unfriended me, their lives are better than mine, I've gone through hunger, unemployment and homelessness, yet, they've never known any of this, even family that were born after have disowned me, sorry, but I'm at the point were I wish I had never been born.
@@justelleslife507 They're not more deserving of better outcomes or morally superior to you. Just have a different life trajectory from you.
Keep walking - your path has meaning and value.
You have unique value and love.
I was adopted by my narcissistic aunt into her cult family. I had been living alone (ignored) by my alcoholic father for three years, after my mom died when I was ten. Indebted, that's all I got was I should be grateful for torment because they took me in. Here, be our slave, you'll never be good enough to be us and you get to hear it every day, but be grateful for it because we took you under our roof. Yeah, I still struggle 20 years later, but I am doing a lot of work on healing now.
High school drama teacher impressed with my skill. At 20, I told my mom I might go try Hollywood. She absolutely flipped into a nasty smack down: "You won't MAKE it in Hollywood! Do you KNOW how many young WOMEN go down there and FAIL?! Forget IT-you'll just end up becoming a PROS-titute!"
SO f***ed UP, but it worked. I failed at everything, took zero risks (like Hollywood), and I'm so terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed in jack squat. She'd just sh*t all over it. I believe extreme jealousy drove her to compete with us. Our success would shine a HUGE spotlight on her own miserable failures. She still remains vicious and cruel, so both girls have zero contact. Blows.
The interesting part of the child who parents is that at least in my experience even though I feel responsible for everyone I absolutely hate the fact that I feel that way. I mean what’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they take care of themselves?
I still get triggered by this - especially in romantic relationships where I feel I am being asked to do something that is the other person’s responsibility not mine. In ways that I feel “icky” rather than healthy helping. Then, of course, I am told that I am selfish.
@@happylindsay4475 “Icky” and “disgust” are words/labels that really help me describe those kind of situations, so thanks for that :D The only way to describe it before this was something along the lines of “a discrepancy between the situation outside and the feeling/intuition signaling me from the inside” which made me feel shame for giving in and doing what the other person demanded when I knew something was seriously off.
They would always say “just do it,” or “just let it go,” while telling me that I was being dramatic/selfish. I was like, how am I supposed to “just go along with it” when I felt REPULSED by the mere thought of it? Yup, wayyyy icky.
Agreed, I also kept wondering why no one was really responsible (mental and emotional development) for me. I’ve been stuck at “when’s it my turn to be taken care of?” but now I guess I just have to do it myself like all along. These videos have been maybe the most blessed thing I’ve come across.
@@bubbiccino God, thank you so much for this. Really resonates a lot
A million times this.
Your personal stories are so powerful! "Normal reactions to abnormal situations" was very powerful!! Thank you
Wow. It took me an hour to watch this 20 minutes video because I wrote down all the exercises and my brain kept shutting down so I couldn't remember what I'd just heard. It's sooo painful but it makes so much sense. I was looking into a painting class and have been gaslighting myself out of signing up for it... Was going to do that until it was too late to register and then I would berate myself for not signing up. I'm so awful to myself, it's shocking when I do these exercises and admit it. Thank you for these videos.
for real
Thank you for sharing that, now I don't feel so stupid for taking soo long to watch a 20 min video. I beat myself up about it.
Yeah I have to keep pausing and taking breaks. I just keep randomly tearing up.
Is there a correlation with zoning out and childhood trauma??
@@pizzianinja dissociation babes
I worry about this all the time!
Whenever I set a strong boundary with my mother, I feel guilty about it constantly. Even years later.
Always feeling like I'm a burden. Spot on! Thank you so much. I feel less crazier & less alone after watching this video 🙂
"Gaslighting isn't real. You made it up because you're freaking crazy!" In all seriousness, thank you so much for these wonderful videos. They provide a completely new perspective ony childhood. 💖
1:37 “shame nest” that’s a great way to describe it….addressing a parents bad behavior then have them “flip the script” and make YOU feel bad for even bringing it up.🤦🏽♀️
This was done to me my whole life by my family. I'm at the point of not being able to tolerate this type of behavior. For the last ten years I've had very little contact with any of them with the exception of my mother, and even that is pretty minimal. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He literally saved my life. I love the phrase " normal reaction to an abnormal situation". When I told my therapist that same thing, she just gave me a blank stare. Needless to say, I don't see her anymore. Thank you for the great video! Very re-enforcing! 🙏🙌
Sometimes coaches are better than therapists. The ‘And how does that make you feel’ lasted for awhile to make my feelings validated, then got boring and somewhat empty. I needed goals-especially solutions, and a way to deal with my reactions. I find Caroline Leafs work helpful at this point. She has some good books and ideas..
@@thistree9028 I will definitely look into Caroline Leaf. I have never heard of her. I get what you mean about the "And how does that make you feel'. I don't remember hearing the term narcissistic abuse until recently. I think most therapists don't even know what it is. It helps when the person helping you has had the same types of experiences, otherwise how can they help. Sometimes a re-victimization can happen from the therapist and they are not even aware that they are doing it. I have had that happen to me, and I find that coaches are much better.
@@ancientmuse7297 Yeah, we are pioneers in the narcissism experience. No one should be are Gurus, but developing thinking skills can help a lot in wading through the quagmire..There’s good info- not so much at times, out there. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I’m going to sleep now…
Entirely up to you if you ever want to return to therapy, but good therapist can be really hard to find… too many people walk around with the credentials but actually does more harm than good… I know this from personal experience as well as studying to be a counselor now.
it took years and many doctors and therapists to find someone that actually helped me, there's good professionals out there, but they are hard to find. My last therapist changed my life, and im so grateful, the more the time passes the more i think i should have paid him more, the value of what i got increases.
over time. But yeah, i had lot's of years and money wasted on people that didn't really care about me. One of them literally said to me "i don't get you" and i was there so unable to react, i felt hopeless, if a psychologist couldn't get me i was doomed. But that's not true, im nothing special, she just sucks at her job.
I remember being a kid with low self esteem and for years, I wanted to be good at things like my brother after seeing how much praise he got. Growing up, my self esteem was very low and the thing I wanted most in life was recognition like my brother got. In 9th grade, I joined the cross country team. I believed that If I tried as hard as I could, I would be the fastest runner on the team despite not having done distance running before. I was wrong. In the time trial, I came in last and when I told my mom, I falsely believed she would be encouraging and would say that even though I didn't do that great, I should keep on trying.
I still wonder what drugs I was on that would make me do think she would respond like that. I shouldn't have told her the truth. But I did and she was furious. She blamed me for how I probably have embarrassed myself, embarrassing her, and how all the other girls would make fun of me. She became even more mad when I told her I wanted to keep going to practice. I remember sitting in my room that evening, contemplating if there was anything I was good at, desperately reflecting on any achievements I may have had, and finding none. I wondered if my life was a lost cause. Lastly, I thought about what would happen if I stayed on the team, wondered about the possibility of being decent, or even really good at something. At that moment, I decided to stay on the team, despite not knowing how the outcome would be for me, not knowing if I would find success, but I stayed on in spite of my mom.
She wasn't supportive of me until I actually became a decent runner, and then a good runner. But I knew that she would only give me support, only if I was good at something. I hated that reality and rarely ever let her come to the races, since I decided that she really didn't deserve to be there and that I was the one who encouraged myself, not her. I taught myself that her encouragement isn't as important as the encouragement I give to myself.
Wow. Good for you!
Oh my God this makes so much sense to me. I nearly gaslighted myself into marrying someone telling myself that the feelings would grow later even if I didn't really feel like I wanted to.
I actually told myself that and now finally after 20,21,22? (I Lost count) years together (20+ yrs married) I fully regret it 100% and am in my 40s trying to figure out how to get income so I can move out.
The same situation happened to me. He loved my abusive mother and she loved him, so it made it that much harder to refuse. I knew that I never wanted children, and I knew that he did. Thankfully you and I were both able to protect ourselves! When my now husband met my mother, he told me that it was obvious that she was completely crazy. It was a light shining through the heavens. I wasn't the insane one!
Yes
My mom's favorite line was always, "Shame on you"
Mine as well!!
My mom's line was "You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself". As a 4 year old, I did not know what A. Shamed was but I knew it was very, very bad.
Great video, thank you. Areas I gaslight myself: feeling unable to judge what is reasonable and unreasonable - seeking other people's opinions because I think they must know better and that their feelings are valid. Massively second guessing myself after leaving relationships. Wanting my friends to talk me into staying in a relationship that feels wrong for me.
I am always stunned by how well you know and explain me and my life experience. Even just hearing you speak the actuality of my childhood. My mother denied that I was even worthy of a right to my own thought process. She is 94 and I am 58, and it's still happening. Kids don't count (the seen and not heard thing). I was an immensely well-behaved child because I was always, and still seeking approval with EVERYTHING. And not getting it turns me into a frantic, panicked hot mess. I was raised as if adults knew everything, without question, and were always right. At 58, I'm still feeling very much like a child, and waiting anxiously for the sudden enlightenment of adulthood to be magically bestowed upon me. I don't think it ever occurred to me it was something I could work toward. But I'm chronically ill, and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep days away. The prospect of committing to all of the hard work to heal makes me want to curl up in a ball in a far corner of my closet. But whether I am able to do any of the work or not, it is SO deeply soothing to feel truly SEEN by you; to have identified to me exactly what was wrong with my situation - and not just what's wrong with me. My mother is the kind of person who didn't speak to me for four days in my early 20s for wearing white pantyhose to a family dinner. White pantyhose make your legs look fat, supposedly. Wow all of these horrible memories are bubbling up in my mind at a frantic pace, and I'm getting angry and resentful.
Thank you for your generosity. I'm not in a financial situation to contribute unfortunately, but I would absolutely love to. You are amazingly generous and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very meaningful person in my life.
You were blessed by God for four days in your 20ies
My heart bleeds for you. She sounds like mine was. I'm glad mine has gone. I never shed one tear. Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve peace. Lana xxx
Take the healing journey in little chunks and be patient with yourself. No worries. You’ll get there!
This was overwhelming for me. I was about to log off but I allowed myself to simulateously feel overwhelmed and continue to see why. And now I know it's a trigger which means most of my childhood was a gaslighting experience and will be discussing this with my therapist.
Is this how therapy is supposed to work? My past therapists/counselors have just not been as helpful as you are for free
I've also only had terrible therapy experiences so far. Mostly the therapists dumped their insecurities and problems on me instead of understanding me and trying to help me.
@@jenaya_laila2442 Same here. I get better help from these videos.
cognitive behavioral therapy is what you probably are looking for, before knowing about it i also felt professionals couldn't help me. needless to say i wasted a lot of money before looking for a specialized therapist.
@@TheMagicOwL127 It might be helpful for some but CBT was the problem for me personally not getting help in therapy. Need a trauma-informed therapist. One size doesn't fit all.
@@Jane-mb8jj yeah, you are right
As an adult, in an effort to extend an olive branch to my narc mother I suggested we have a fun road trip in a convertible. She kept talking about other people coming and when I asked why it couldn't be just the two of us she said, reluctantly, that sometimes I was "a bit much." I was stunned. I gave up.
That whole family is her family. Not mine. She's always right, I'm always ungrateful and wrong, and even at 52, it's the same. But since I started to say no, every single relationship fell apart to where I am not really even speaking to any of them except her. It's amazing how people reveal their true selves when you say no. It's like a cult and if you're not all in, you're all out.
I’m definitely having the forever “indebted” vibe between my friendships…. Spot on again Patrick
This video is great. Growing up, I felt like I had to go around life acting like I should apologize for being there or for feeling unhappy when there was a problem (I was told it meant I was ungrateful). And this experience does extend romantically/ professionally or in whatever adult relationships. It's really cathartic to hear all of this. It's validation I never got when I was younger. All of the experiences you've described resonate a lot with me.
I think the best and most difficult thing I had to teach myself in the aftermath of my childhood was to stand up for myself and walk away from people or workplaces that weren't good for me and to believe I'd find better things that I was deserving of.
😲 My mom did that so many times... To all of us. Even to my younger sisters that are 10 & 12 yrs younger than me. She never stopped the "I did not!" Or "I don't know what you are talking about." So now when my kids try to recollect something that happened with me, I feel really bad if I sincerely don't remember. But I will say "I'm really sorry I don't remember. But I believe you."
When you mentioned that your mom was an alcoholic and that made you uncomfortable, my FIRST thought was "why? That's not HER fault."
So, thanks for helping me spot my own instances of self gaslighting
You have helped me beyond belief. I feel so understood when I listen to your videos. Thank you for all the work you do to spread healing 💗
When my step dad that raised me attempted to molest me i told my mom and got kicked out the house at 13 with no where to go. I was always told when at a friends to not ask for or accept food or people would think my parents werent taking care of me. I was told im a mistake, my mom wished she aborted me, i ruined her life. To this day, at 42, i still feel like nothing i do or say ever will matter and im not important. There is always that little voice that tells me to just let it go instead of standing up for myself. This video has me in tears because now i know what im doing and can slowly fix this. Ive had to cut my mom off and she still acts like she never did anything wrong and i should just let it go. Its all in my head.
I cannot remember most of my childhood from a traumatic situation that happened to me. I believe I had a psychotic episode at 8 yrs old that my parents never got help for me. Eventually I got better but it changed me.They have gaslighted me since I can remember. Always denying what I feel and what has happened. Till this day I struggle with reality and perceptions. It is a conscious effort for me and it really is exhausting. I do have contact with my parents but it is minimal. The fact that I don't remember much makes me distrust them. I believe they don't want to admit to being poor parents.
I can remember a few times standing up to my mom, who controlled the family with what I nicknamed "The Tunnel of Wrath". You did not want to go in that tunnel with her for anything. When you asked "What would happen if..." My response was that I would be shouted down. And if I kept going, eventually it might lead to hitting possibly, not to an extreme. But I can remember my mom being so angry with me that she grabbed a hairbrush and just started hitting me on the arm. I really cannot remember another time of physical violence. But she was always on the edge of anger, very much like the drunk, but drunk with wrath and emotion and a force field which would control everyone around her. As I became an adult, my sister was getting married. Weddings were her time to SHINE. It was all about mom. And we went to try on some dresses. She got very angry at the sales person, kind of like the drunk story. I was so embarrassed by her behavior. And my daughter who was about 12, was literally skulking in a clothes rack to hide from the situation. We got in the car and I was the driver. I had driven over an hour to meet with her and run all these errands. And I told her that I was unhappy with how she treated the woman in the store. She went off! And let me have it... We were all terrible. Her children had no respect for her. blah blah blah. And my daughter was sitting in between us (it was a large van and she was behind and between). It was like watching tennis. I can laugh now, when I think of her head back and forth between us.
Turning to her she said "Let's see what SHE thinks. SHE knows I was perfectly fine." And I FLIPPED. I think this is the one time she listened to me. "Do you want to ever see your grandchildren again? If you go here, you won't." She stopped, shut up, folded her arms and seethed and then demanded I take her home immediately. I refused and told her that we were going to flipping run those errands I had carved out the time for and driven to get to and she was going to jolly well behave. And she did. I began standing up to her in my life from that point on, not all the time of course. But I did challenge her when she went off. And she actually got to where she would say she was sorry, usually after a near death experience! (not kidding here). I will say that there is hope for some. My mother was a wounded person too. I try to keep that perspective. A narcissist? Yes in many ways. But she was the product of that upbringing. And she gas-lit my feelings, saying I was too sensitive, or expected me to play the role in the family she thought I should play, which was the peace maker and the one who should give everything up to make everyone else happy. And my father was the fun guy who showed up once in awhile but never parented. I see how that could have been difficult for her too. Now I juggle being the person who gives in too easily and gives up and "gaslights" myself, as I was done through my childhood and as happens with my family members a lot, (now I am too sensitive to ready to be militant, not cooperative, etc) to that person who becomes my mother and let's the other person have it. I don't want to be either. There must be something in between that is healthier behavior. Thank you for your videos. They are incredibly helpful, especially when you put your experiences in there. They resonate deeply.
wow, what a story. I felt that car scene. it was visceral.
I love the idea of thanking oneself for buying into the gaslighting, because that’s what helped us survive.
Thank you for saying that. It took away the guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying over falling for the lies. ❤️
When I feel happy about something, my mind will throw in something unpleasant to “balance it out”. If there’s nothing bad in reality, it will make it up. It’s astonishing how much my mind has trained itself to stop me from feeling good.
I’m also one of those people who wasn’t just betrayed by their parents but their mentors as well. I honestly envy you for the fact you were lucky enough to find a mentor who didn’t totally and completely betray you, Patrick. I’m glad things were different for you, I really am. 👊
Who are these mentors? Like where do you find them? Are they just adults who are older than you but not related ?
@@grungepants I think the commenter might be referring to teachers and such. I got bullied and gaslit by teachers as a kid
"Being gaslit that there is no such thing as a beginner" 💯🎯🤯
The too sensitive comments, I grew up with this and heard it so many times. My mother later said, “I told you that because the work is a harsh place to live.” Just further exasperated the feelings of my pain or insecurities being too much for her/for anyone. Between 7-14 I was the emotional stabilizer when my parents fought. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry to them to please stop fighting so I could sleep. These things stay with us and I continue to gaslight myself because of all of this. I am so grateful to your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Wow... I never knew that is what I often do to myself. Gaslighting ourselves. Of course we learned to do this. 'A normal response to abnormal things' is one of my newest favourite sayings. It is helping me stop being so hard on myself at times. Thank you. 💖🐨💖
You are all beautiful people who deserve to have a good day
I had no idea being told I was very sensitive was gaslighting. I’ve been told my whole life I’m very sensitive. Too sensitive.
When you said you were called 'selfish', and then when you said we think ourselves as 'burden' i absolutely i ended up crying. i was always the 'problem' child with my mom. i love her, but she has been very very tough on me. i was called a villain, a bad person, i was compared to some of my relatives who have done actual horrible things. Why? Just cuz she doesn't like me. You'll hear her say she 'has always loved me' but her way of 'love' for me is so very different than her love for my younger brother. She told me because i'm the eldest, i shouldn't focus on studying further in History (because i wanted to be an archaeologist) cuz she and my dad are from 'Science' disciplines and my subject is lame. i ended up telling myself that yes, History is lame. She asked, 'What would you do with a degree? Be a teacher?' So i gave up studying further.
But my younger brother is 'studying further' and is living abroad. He didn't even think twice, he just up and left. Mom is proud of him cuz he's doing a doctorate in Physics. He will become a 'teacher' in Physics.
She said, i have to focus on making money. So i chose animation, told myself this is what i like (i really do like it, but i know my life would've been so much better if only i stuck to will to study History). Then it was just wrong decision after wrong. i got the job but the pay was very low and work hours, terribly. i chose to study fashion, but i told myself, if i leave for college, then who will take care of my parents? So, naturally, i didn't continue. i took financial accounting for monetary reasons, but it was the same thing again. When i said i have to move for work, she got very ill and then i had to stay back. Now i'm unemployed, have nobody, will never have anybody. i only have my parents and i doubt my sanity every. single. day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how old you are but I’m old enough to understand that sometimes you have to free yourself any way you can. Two things you need to remember: 1. This is your life. Don’t live it for someone else and what they think is best path. Give yourself permission to live your life. 2. Jobs and careers that are high status do not always make you happy. Sit down and figure out what would make you happy. Would you be happy working a job you hate, that sucks your time and life but pays well, or a job that makes you excited to wake up, but makes enough to keep a roof and food on the table??? If your love is history, don’t give up on it. You studied financial accounting, but had to stay home. Pursue a remote job, if possible. Use free college course sites to study History on the side. When you learn something interesting, make videos about it on your channels. Share why History is exciting to you… Your enthusiasm will draw others.
You may not be able to change your situation right now, but you can change your mindset and not be defeated. Having an overbearing parent can drown out your own thoughts and ideas. That’s why it’s important to be on your own. But if that’s not possible, carve out time and space for yourself where she isn’t around and start thinking of what you want your life to look like. Don’t feel bad if you don’t see it at first. That’s normal. Just observe other peoples lives and write down parts you like or DONT like. Sorry for the long reply. I wish you the best.
Fun side project for you: work on your own animation of historical periods you like.
We’re all cheering you on. You can still escape and have your own life and still be near and dear to your parents, it’s never too late.
Did she really get ill or just when you wanted to do something or go somewhere? Emotional blackmail?
This has helped so much, I constantly feel so ashamed and guilty about my emotions, my family and my experiences. Thank you
I’d have to say this is one of my favorites, so important to our healing is to trust our intuition and being aware of how we shut it up is the beginning to shifting the paradigm.
I have an alcoholic mother, narcissistic father (pill addiction), and I’m the HSP scapegoat while older sister is golden child (BPD, histrionic). I’ve cut off my dad and sister 4 months ago.this year with the help of you, therapists over zoom and two other therapists videos I feel like I’m really improving my life. Finding out these roles unlocked so much realization and healing for me, sometimes it seems like you’re talking about me exactly.I also realized I was majorly triggered at work (thank you for that video) and surrounded myself with narcissists. It’s very healing and comforting to know these roles and traumas have been named and that we have tools to heal them. Thank you. I’ve now got a boss that truly values me, have said goodbye to narcissistic friends, and focus firstly on myself and my healing.
"In my mind it was clear at that point that I was selfish and I usually got things deeply wrong" how I feel every day! Loving your videos
Thank you so much, because you have just validated an employment decision I made a couple of years ago. I was expected to schedule so that I was doing non-billable time outside of office hours. When I refused, the owner and lead clinician tried to shame me into it. For the first time in my life, I stuck up for myself and lost the job. I know I was right, but I've felt guilty for losing a job because I was "uncooperative." You've made it clear that not only was it okay, it was important for me to do it. Thank you!
Your body of work has helped me a lot. Sincerely, thank you for what you do! You're helping a huge group of people.
yep
i LOVE LOVE love how you affirm the past and the truth of what happened... to me there something so right about that. it seems like its so much more popular to go lalala "DONT BRING UP YOUR PAST" that ugly stuff. dont talk about it it doesnt help to talk about it. and to me its just compacting down on shame. so annoying. everyone has their process though
I have actually howled with tears at this. I've been doing each and every example that you've listed and then some. I am 35, I've been trying to get past this trauma and change the behaviour for all of my all-too-early adulthood to no avail, and right now my inner child is crying too, because she doesn't think it will ever change. Thank you for putting our experiences in such concise words, dealing with childhood trauma sometimes feels like some crazy fantasy villain - knowing traumas' real names gives you some power over it. I am also wishing for a magical sword and a trusty comic-relief sidekick, but I'll unlock that level someday. Right? Right guys?
This is issue Im currently having so much trouble with, so this video came in a perfect time. In these strange times, this is a beacon of hope and reassurance that my feelings matter and are valid.
During an argument I told my dad who was sick with cancer that “sometimes I wish I had cancer” and he replied “good, someday you will have it”
Emotional slap in the face, and he never apologized.
I looked at the title and was like “huh, so that’s what it’s called”. Thanks for the great educational videos, really does help me understand myself and others.
I never got to say “no” growing up. My parents thought everything a child said in disagreement with them was disrespectful. If you said “but mom”, that was met with a slap or harsh punishment. I had no voice until I moved out of their home at 18. It took me years and I still have problems with speaking up. I’ve literally been gaslit most of my existence. Sad but true. Thanks again Patrick for validating me.
i’m currently going through a process of understanding what my shame or worry comes from. it was shocking to me to understand almost immediately that i have been gaslighting myself due to some childhood issues and trauma that has happened to me. thank you so much for this video or just your whole channel! you’ve helped me so much
I ended contact with bio family 31yrs ago and went through intense reparenting before had kids, unfortunately stress of kids is a trigger to those old tapes of inadequacy and had a mate who also was from a toxic family and wanted to replicate it. Suffice it to say I have gotten really good at ending things in many situations. Many manipulative ploys were pulled by bio family and they claimed my boundaries damaged the family, a friend told me after parents died that I had been an orphan way before their death and was doing fine. Now dealing with a neurologist for atypical presentation of a rare disease that is responding to the med but because she didn't diagnose it, can't possibly work because there is no disease. smh. Took 3wks to pull myself back to center after this gaslighting. Self doubt, like acne , is lifelong.
Oh, the one that sticks with me is whenever I tried something new and my dad was watching, he'd quickly get irritated if I didn't do it right first time and say very tersely, "oh for God's sake, let me do it!" And he'd take over, often grabbing things out of my hands in the process and shouldering me to the side, muttering about having to do everything himself. 🙄 as you can imagine that doesn't lead to an adult who is willing to try new things! I educated myself out of it, my natural curiosity won over eventually, but I do wonder how much more I could have achieved if that limitation hadn't been instilled in the first place. I can forgive my dad for this because I know what his background was like. It was truly awful for him growing up so as much as he may not have got it quite right with me and my older brother, we still had a much better childhood than he ever did. In actual fact, I'm quite proud of my dad for breaking the cycle of serious physical and emotional torture and abuse he endured at his mother's hands
This video explains EVERYTHING about the struggles I've had in my adult life.
Thanks for sharing these insights. Really helpful in becoming aware of the patterns and distortions. Growing up with an alcoholic mother with severe verbal abuse and reality distortion was hard to combat. Gaslighting was normal in my family. And then somehow I continued questioning, doubting, and gaslighting myself. Also, I became overly sensitive to even the slightest sign of gaslighting around me. It takes time to course-correct this as you practice awareness and recognize what’s going on.
Patrick, I appreciate you sharing that you worked in the restaurant industry in your teens and twenties. I feel that your analogy to toxic family systems is spot on.
I worked in the restaurant industry for over 15 years. For most of that time (once I was old enough), I began working for my family's restaurant. My family is horribly dysfunctional and the restaurant was managed in an equally dysfunctional way. Those years of my life were the most miserable working years of my life. I took my role in my family system (SG) to my workplace every day. It was hell.
I love going out to restaurants alone and just chatting with the bar staff and I try to make friends with the service staff. At my one regular place, they all know I was a server. They treat me like one of them. I absolutely love the friendships you can make working in the restaurant industry. There is a camraderie to it.
Thank you for all your hard work.
Love when I had to learn that the way I expected people to react to things was a symptom of my childhood.
Had to explain that to my boyfriend when he very quietly asked "do you really think that little of me?"
I swear, with almost every video it feels like you're reaching straight my brain and plucking out specific thoughts, feelings and memories. Thank you so much for sharing your work, story, and healing. You've already helped me so much!
I was gaslighted by adults all throughout my childhood. It's ruined my adult life. Absolutely ruined it.
You make me look at and think about things I have never even considered. I finally understand me and feel more normal and in control of my emotions. Thank you for being such a blessing!
"Gaslighting is manipulation and the fuel that is used in that manipulation is shame" I have never heard that stated so profoundly
"maybe he needed it more than you..."
Sorry Mom, even the inner child isn't buying that one! 😆
When I was really really little my dad told me that the room would flood like in Alice in Wonderland if I cried too much. It was the age where kids are literal … I believed him and didn’t cry for years. At first out of belief, then out of habit. Until I realized I was tricked.
We had a fake friend Eric in school. He taught everybody the word "despicable". 😐
My parent frequently used the phrases:
•"You never know!"
•"You dont want that."
•"Later you will get tired of that color / style choice."
•"No one is doing that."
Oof, I can only watch so many of your videos at a time because it’s hard to deal with my traumatic childhood. With that said, I love your videos, they’re so helpful, it’s just hard and draining to face these a lot of things in one sitting.
When I was 5 I went to someone’s house and forgot my dolls and then the kid didn’t want to give them back to me, so my mom blamed me for forgetting them and told me she’d never buy me another Barbie in my life, and she didn’t, ever. She didn’t stand up for me to ask for my dolls to the neighbor. And these are just one instance. I have so many more in my teens when I started standing up to things that felt wrong that she was doing, I was gaslit and it’s so hard for me to stand up for myself now without feeling intense anxiety.
"Self doubt and shame are essentially the same thing." Mind blown. Gonna be nibbling on this truth nugget for awhile. Thank you Patrick!
Gas Lighter in my life, “If you had these ‘gut feelings’ why did you choose men like that?”
Me, “Because you taught me that my gut feelings were wrong.”
Of course I didn’t say it. It would have been pointless.
You should receive a medal for these videos! I can't express how helpful they are. Really, Patrick, you're doing an amazing job, thank you for making these for us, for free! The examples from your personal life fit so well and as much as I feel sorry for what you went through, I also I am proud for the person you are today. This inspires us and is a statement that we too can change and escape the toxic family system
I have just started using the word no at the age of 49 without feeling guilty. I always felt if someone asked something of me I had to say yes for fear of letting them down or upsetting them. I realise that it's ok to say no and that people are wrong at times. This comes from someone who was emotionally blackmailed by their mother. To think after entering an arranged marriage at 17 and always doing what my parents said as I thought they were always right and you should never question them after pleasing them for so long they dropped me like a hot potato and I have not seen them for over 12 years as they moved and I found out by looking on the internet.
I was just going to foster a dog then try to get her adopted. My amazing partner wanted me to keep her; but I knew it would overwhelm me because I have 3 other dogs. I thought I should do it because I didn’t want to lose him, so I agreed. Now I’m in a bind with her, and he agrees on giving her up. I just should have said no in the first place. I guess I was just afraid that if I said what I thought I would lose the amazing connection we have made. Thank you for this video, and all your videos really. They really help me put my life into the right context so I can reflect and finally heal.
Auto-reverse was a big deal! 😎 Sony was top-of-the-line. 👍
My little sister had severe anxiety and other issues that didnt have a name back in the 80s. She had a therapist her entire childhood just to get her to go to school. She demanded everything from my parents under the threat of throwing a fit, she threw fits daily anyway. They gave in. She sat in the passenger seat of the car, my mom sat in back with me, granted shes like 7 years old at this point. She missed all of 5th grade. My mom went back to work and left me with my sister, never explaining what the issue was just that she was a "bad kid." Throw in my loveless narcissist father who blew up at me for breaking something worth $5, even then I was like wtf? Never an "it's ok son, we'll get another." No it was always "goddammit! What the hell did you do?" Terrible. I was traumatized by all this and they did nothing and neglected me further. I went low contact purposefully and moved across the country knowing that I would never experience love and acceptance from them. I acted out a fool for decades but to them I was a perfect angel genius. I fooled them, but it was too easy. My sister matured a bit, but my issues went unresolved until now since I started looking into this. I've been people pleasing killing myself for "music" (the only thing my dad enjoyed) which is pretty much a toxic system too. Type 1 diabetes, chronic neck pain. Unresolved trauma. Giving in to everyone's demands. Somehow married a woman whose family says 'I love you" to each other every day. Definitely not my experience. When I tried to talk about my childhood my mom would say "you had a great childhood!" Total gaslighting. Then we'd talk about how my sister was a "bad kid" and I'd say that it affected me, she'd say "but you're ok, right? I don't want to have to worry." I spent my life evading my family and protecting them at the same time.
This video was so validating. Your story about the extra shifts and restaurant manager really resonated with me. I have had a toxic job for over 2 years. Being asked to take call on weekends last minute, PTO cancelled last minute, changing work hours last minute, being yelled at and talked over by a manager because I said I had to look after my health and well-being and would not take the extra call or hours. I am proud to say I did not gaslight myself this time. I knew in my gut this was toxic. I tried a rational explanation and proposed other options in writing, all of which was ignored and disregarded. I waited months to see if things would improve, they didn’t. I submitted my resignation a week ago. I felt empowered and recognized when I was letting shame try to gaslight me and I didn’t let it. Both of My parents put work before family, so there is that too. But I recognized it. Your videos have been a great help as are your personal stories. Thank you. This morning I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come in healing my codependency.
Indebted child who was gaslit to feel guilty about being mentally ill (ironically, from all the abuse), made to feel like a burden for being sick, told none of the abuse EVER happened my entire life, had my suffering constantly minimized, told I was trash at the things I loved to do, compared to other "better" children. Even now, my dad replaced me with his new wife's adult autistic daughter and showed vested interest in her kid's passions, which I never, EVER got. I am still full of hate, confusion, and loathing, and gaslight myself constantly. My dad literally made fun of me for having "daddy issues" my entire life. Let that one sink in. To this day, I struggle in every single facet of my life, the autism compounding those issues tenfold.
My dear mother was never drunk - she was just "tired" 😔 I felt so bad, more lonely and unsafe every time my parents got drunk, and my mother only said she loved me, when she was really, really "tired", and somehow that just didn't ring true to me because her dismissive behaviour when she wasn't "tired" contrasted her words. I didn't know what to believe, and I guess I still don't. I'm still gaslighting myself big time. Thank you for your wonderful channel, guidance and help 💜
Thank you for explaining that it's possible to gaslight yourself. I had never understood that was what was going on. It's SO helpful to be able to put that word to my internal dialog as it actually allows me to see it as "harmful and wrong" where before I was shaming myself into believing that arguing with that voice in my head (the one that's gaslighting me) just made me an "entitled brat". It's a bit weird to think of it this way, but to know that the abuse we suffered as children caused our inner child to sort of "become" our new abuser because they picked up the habits so strongly and we've lived with it so long we see it as the normal is so helpful.
Oh! You are excellent. I’ve gotten so turned off by gaslighting videos because they are always blaming another person. But in the end a person gaslights themselves because they have a weak sense of self.
I just want to drop in and tell you that your content is excellent and that you touch upon subjects rarely addressed in textbooks and therapy. Good job and keep it up
Like i've never been this seen ever! Right now i was about to link this vid to my best friends and my inner child went like: "You're exaggerating, stop victimizing yourself!! You don't need all that psychological knowledge, you're just wining right now" This is ridiculous how deeply rooted all of this is. Gaslighting myself even now