it might happen that shame --may-cause --> self doubt but i don't think they're the same i think self doubt could be beneficial if used in order to make informed decisions. like: exploring a problem from different angles. and sometimes you find out that you overlooked some aspects and that ends up changing the right answer, changing the decision to a better one. i imagine shame more like a fear of failure or fear of not showing up to expectations
The "indebted" vibe, oh God is that the truth. My mom got pregnant with me at 18, and my father was 20, drunk, and abusive. And she always let me know at a young age that I ruined her life. Oh, she didn't say it like that. She said, "Don't do what I did, don't have a baby young, it'll ruin your life. Not that I don't love you, I do, I wouldn't trade you for anything, but... yeah, it'll ruin your life." Honestly, what did she think 5 year old me would take from that?
My mom would yell into my face "You have ruined my life! You have turned me into a whining, weak, stupid monster! You all did that to me, bastards!" Probably, she meant me, my dad, and my brother all together. But she never said it to them. She yelled it to me when I was 5, 15, 44. I was always feeling guilty and depressed. Only now now I understand where the feeling came from.
The “too sensitive” and “too much” really resonates with me. Any time I experience any kind of negative emotion, I wonder if I’m being dramatic, or if I’m over reacting. And sometimes, that happens with positive emotions. Sometimes I get this fear that I’m being too enthusiastic and people won’t like it. My mom used to tell me I needed to calm down or else I’d be too much and drive away potential friends
This this this. Absolutely this. Then I apologize to friends for having feelings and they always say "You are fine, don't apologize" and wonder why I am apologizing for having emotions.
I’m sorry that you had that experience growing up… it certainly sucks to be conditioned into doubting yourself so much that as an adult now it is harder to know you actually feel and want to feel…
Wow thanks for mentioning it. I have a child who is soooooo enthusiastic at times and it really does drive other kids away. I litterly feel so sad for my kid because he is considered "weird" to other kids and he's left wondering why nobody will play with him even though he's super nice to everyone. I used to try and tell him to try and not be so enthusiastic and wait for kids to come up to him In hopes he would beable to make friends and he wouldn't be so lonely. Now I'm wondering if I was just hurting him even more. Now that he's getting a little older (he's 9) his enthusiasm about everything has calmed down a little and he has been able to make friends but it's still an issue for him at times. Kids are awful sometimes and if they are having a bad day they can't stand seeing others happy so he gets targeted alot when he's so enthusiastic and happy. That's basically what I've tried to tell him. But maybe I should keep that to myself because I certainly don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is by other kids.
You are never too much! If you want to know what someone really thinks please ask them. I’m sure they will answer you. Most importantly, tell someone you truly trust about your problems.
I still remember the first time a therapist calmly told me that my reactions were "normal" and the situation was Not. That was the beginning of MY life for me. and THANK YOU for pointing out how restaurants are like "toxic family systems" SO TRUE in many places.
My therapist followed my mothers direction to diagnose me bipolar to mark me as the crazy one and never looked into any abuse or anything real going on. All therapists are part of a system of control and have no interest in actually helping people. the people who are drawn to this model of therapy are inherently power hungry and sadistic. Capitalism has rotted their brain so much they think the only way to help people is to take away control that people have over themselves, stick them in a box, and drug them to stupefy them so they never question the state
If I said no to anyone in my toxic family, they would use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. Or I would be punished for being selfish. Saying no came with real consequences in a narcissistic family.
Feel that. My family continued with their relationships with the abuser & just didn't give me any option, either like their choices or not. It didn't bother them in the slightest as long as their life didn't change. 'it didn't happen to them' so hey should their life change? Two years ago at the grand age of 53, walked away from them all & their horrible dysfunction. Covering cracks doesn't work for me anymore, I've found my voice.
Feel that, when he asked the question I thought about it and I really don't remember ever saying no to my parents, even as a very small child I was known for never being ornery about anything (because I was so neglected) if I wasn't going to do what I was told I would just quietly not do it, I don't think I outright refused to do anything ever in my childhood
Ooh yep! I totally get where you're coming from. Even asking for minor and basic consideration was met with accusations of selfishness. Taught me never to stand up for myself even if I was being reasonable and just asking to be treated as a human.
I definitely gaslight myself around emotions a lot. Any negative emotion is immediately met with "they probably have good reasons" "I shouldn't bother them about their problems also affecting me" and any positive emotion is immediately "someone has it worse so I should feel bad for them" or "I'm being weird, no one else is this excited about this"
I had/have some of the exact same self-talk! It goes back to my childhood when my dad, who is so SeNsItIvE, could only see his feelings and other people's (incomprehensible) behaviour. So I learned to only see other people's feelings and my own behaviour... so [until the abusive arsehole in 2016, after which i got into therapy] if someone treated me badly I'd consider that they were probably stressed and what they're going through in their life and how maybe their communication style is a bit different than mine and I'm making a big deal over something that probably isn't even intentional... meanwhile also having social anxiety that somehow I'm giving off unintentional vibes that hurt other people or something. Total double standard.
It never even occurred to me that it even _mattered_ if someone else's problems were affecting me. Being proud of myself or being told that someone was proud of me came under the heading of "if we say anything it will give you a swelled head" or worse, unspoken, "so what?" It was only after I left that I realized I was getting mixed messages from my ex based on how what I did affected him. I still struggle with applying the words "proud of myself" without the tag of bragging.
Thanks for sharing. This struck a chord for me. I used the word yelling to describe the more severe tone of the adult in my life to her once. Maybe the voice wasn't raised much (or it was and I just allowed the moment to be changed according to her) but she was so quick to tell me she wasn't yelling. Still don't know if I was having struggles to communicate clearly (as I often do) or if she was just defending herself and trying to dictate her image to me. Regardless, I remember that the tone was definitely not in the usual range. Maybe she wasn't technically yelling, but there was some kind of admonishment and anger/upset from her in her big authority role.
@@katherinenicholson9752 I would describe that as hypervigilance. We had to pick up on very slight changes in tonality from our parents to protect ourselves. What others might read as a very slight change, seemed extremely obvious to us as kids. We could pick up on that change in an instant, because we were conditioned to know what comes next. I still can, as an adult. Additionally, the abusers can operate under the guise of "just having a discussion," or, "not yelling," while still stirring up an emotional reaction from you by using very slight changes in tone or speech patterns. There's a science behind it.. that unfortunately many of us are very familiar with.
OMG! That was the theme of my life before leaving home… Now as an adult a see the dysfunctionality of this😕 Yet I tend to repeat that same pattern in relationships and parenting style. Painfully aware, but seemingly unable to change😢😞
I have recently discovered that I am a childhood trauma survivor. I tried today to explain to my mother and just have a conversation with her regarding what bothered me and what got me to being so stuck in low self care, low self-esteem, self gaslighting... and her responses were : You are so stuck on the past! (This is actually the first time I ever brought these things up) "Don't go crazy all of a sudden! It will not be ok." I just looked at her and realized I had nothing to say. It was not worth my attempt. I know I am not the result of her own trauma. I don't hate her at all. I just know she is not capable of bringing stuff up and talking about both being victims of our parents. So I am ok without it. I experience resistance to finishing my book and actually publishing it. Anxiety, fear, paralysing fear. ..
All I know is we all deserved so much better, but at least now we can give better to ourselves. The disrespect of a small developing human by a dysfunctional adult in charge is maddening. This is so important to process. Thank you once again, Patrick!
Fella you should be given a medal. These videos have given me the insight that I am not the only one who has experienced a rotten crotch childhood. Those memories still come up to haunt me, but I say to myself that they have no more power over me. I have been retired a little over twelve years now and enjoying the most of it. I know there is a lot of people who do not believe in inner child, but I do. Mine is taking care of this 76 year old man.
61 year old female finally meeting her damaged inner child. I am thankful for my therapist and our weekly meetings and the work she has helped me accomplish so far.
All my childhood I've been told I'm "too sensitive" and "other people have it worse". And if I brought any issue to my mom, she would get angry at me because "there's nothing I can help you with", as if that's what I was asking for. My dad told me I suck at singing lessons after one month. He also said I suck at guitar, to later come into my room, after 6 months, telling me how great I am and how I "surpassed him". I still can't do music anymore - everytime I try, I hear his voice in my head, his first words. Thank you for this video, I had no one to say it to me when I needed it.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was told I was "too high strung" and to "always be grateful". I was a very very very sick child (legitimately chronically physically ill) so it probably saved my life (literally) but also took me years to recover from not ALWAYS looking at the bright side. I've learned through therapy that there's room for ALL the emotions. Anyway, your story touched me and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I hope you can find courage and healing. You deserve that.
@@sarahdoanpeace3623 Thank you so much, Sarah. What I shared is 1% of my story, it's way worse than that but it means a lot that it touched you and thank you for your message. :) I'm working on it everyday and sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't. Wishing you the same - courage and healing. That's all we all need, really.
@@emeraldxtouch you're most welcome. If you can find even more courage to share it on a greater level, please do. It's inspiring and helpful. It could help others. Sending love and healing.
How I gaslight myself while doing the journal prompts: “We have the right to our truth about the issue. We have the right to how we see things” Me “doesn’t that mean our abuser has the right to how they perceive their reality of the situation since their behaviors are also molded from unresolved childhood trauma?” I always go back to either being devils advocate or letting my empathy toward others hinder this process.
Yes, they can think whatever they want, just don't allow it to be at your expense. If we always look to them first in trying to be compassionate, kind, understanding, then who are we neglecting? Abusers do not have the right to put their toxic reality and behaviour on other's and we do not have tolerate it.
Aaaaaah relatable. The thing is, it’s more than just the right to know our truth: it’s our right to _assert_ that truth as well. And the abusers have been doing that their whole lives, while we never got to. You’re not taking their truth away from them by asserting your own. You’re simply offering another perspective, one that’s never had the chance to be heard. We all have the right to be listened to, and the abusers have been listened to PLENTY. It’s your turn now. You deserve it.
I’m the indebted child UGH I’ve given so much of my time to my family ; caretaker/scapegoat. I don’t get basic respect or even honesty. My intuition tells me this garbage has gone on long enough.
@@realhealing7802 The thing was my mom didn't always treat me that way. It wasn't until I was old enough to have my own voice that the script was flipped. While i was a baby i was golden. For her, the babies were always golden. My siblings didn't make me feel that way. But your parents telling you that you're never going to amount to anything is enough to mess you up.
@@realhealing7802 They were so sick and harmful to us but we survived somehow.We did the best we could at the time.We are going to stop second guessing ourselves, We still have today !
I realize now I need to interfere when Possible if I hear or witness this kind of pour behaviour in others or when someone directs this kind of bad behaviour toward anyone. I have problem but I am working on boundaries too. I hate when people are mean to others. Maybe that's off topic a little. I think this would be a good topic being over protective.
I love that you said to thank your younger self for trying it’s best to survive in those times, even though it meant going along with dysfunction and abuse.
I remember one morning I got up late for school, this was actually very common because I was bullied and didn't like going to school, I would get anxiety over it and couldn't sleep. My mother was very angry as usual and so on the way to school she was driving like a maniac. This little girl was playing with her dog in the street. My mother hit the dog killing it, the girl was screaming and my mother looked at me and said "See what you made do!". This is just one example of many of being gaslit. I wish you could be my therapist, I've tried getting help but good therapists are hard to find. Thank you for this video🙂
Oh my god, that’s absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry you (and that poor girl!) went through that. Im sure you already know, but in case no one’s said it plainly to you: this obviously wasn’t in any way your fault ❤️🩹
Thank you everyone for the comments. I 've always been the scapegoat of my family. Even now when I bring up this story to my mother, she still refuses to accept any responsibility for her part in this. There so much to tell, like blaming me for her divorce and listening to her have sex with someone I couldn't stand. Many of these memories still haunt me even at 47 years old. I can't wait until my life is over...I'm so lonely
Is it possible that the lack of memories I have from childhood isn't from sexual abuse or trauma but instead stems from being so hyper focused on my dads rage and WHEN it would come out again that I wasn't fully focused on my own life and IN my body, if that makes sense? My last abusive marriage was like this. 14 years of being an observer of my own life instead of actually LIVING it in the present. So incredibly strange. Happy to say that I'm finally IN my body presently, living IN the present, healthy, happy and at peace ♥️🙏🏻
Witnessing your dads rage IS TRAUMA. I was watching one of these videos and the moment I really understood I had trauma issues from my childhood it felt like my face was melting . Strap in sister, this ride gets pretty bumpy. I have big memory issues too. Not gaps…almost no memory of childhood
Wow. Thank you for that comment.. I was wondering why I don't remember much of my childhood and there wasn't a lot of physical abuse.. It was just that we were hypervigilant of our mother's high anxiety levels And what resulted from that. Damn! Such a blessing that I saw your comment because i'm loving all these revelations.❤
This is so helpful. I really struggle with gaslighting myself and second guessing myself. Going No Contact with my immediate family was really the beginning of healing my trauma. I realize that being alone gives me the motivation to unlearn the dysfunctional patterns. It's really layers and layers of dysfunctional patterns that keeps one stuck.
I find that I really struggle with answering direct questions about what I think, what is my opinion, how do I think this situation should be resolved, etc. My answers are almost always what I believe the other person is looking for. I’m just now at 49 years old realizing I’ve been doing this my whole life. And when I go to say what I actually “think” it’s so scary, it sometimes makes me cry because I’m so afraid of being “wrong” or having the other person dismiss me. I have so much work to do in this area. Thank you for this video, it’s really helped.
I completely understand. When I was 19, my friend went away with her boyfriend for the weekend. My mother asked me what I though about this. I asked my mom if she wanted the answer she wanted to hear or what I thought (I was so bold LOL). My mom said, What I thought. I told her, Yes, I would go on vacation with him. She then spouted off about why I shouldn't do that, the religious ramifications (I was not religious) etc. She then asked me why I would go on vacation with an unmarried man. My elderly aunt was over at the time and replied for me - It's better than going away with a married one. I died laughing and went over to give her a big hug. Starting the healing journey.
Every time I got bullied, don't want to go to school because it's scary and painful. Parents: What did YOU do provoke them? You must have done something. You must deserve it in some way. Lesson I learned: never ask parents for help or support or comfort.
I totally feel you! I couldn't go to my parents for support because one way or another a fight would happen. Either me and that parent or my parents would be fighting each other.
@Barbara Right? and then tiny you is thinking like " what fight? a kid older and bigger than me is terrorizing me, I'm not fighting them!" But you don't say it and you learn this myth that you are somehow responsible for other people's actions as well as your own. I always wondered, if I have such great powers that I can "make" people do bad things, why can't I make them do nice things? But apparently our 'magic' powers don't work like that. Only the bad things other people do are our fault. eff that!
We are set up to be bullied. We don’t recognize the pre-bullying micro aggressions for what they are because they feel normal to us. For the bullies, micro aggressions are how they test the waters to see how far they can go. The anti-bullying programs at schools focus on stopping the bullies instead of teaching the victims how not to be victims. As a victim, being forced by my mother to go into a dangerous place where I was not allowed to defend myself was the ultimate betrayal. How can you learn algebra with water dripping from your hair after you’ve had a swirly?
The hospital was great illustration of this tipping point basically “babies are going to go uncared for…” “your colleagues will be short staffed and completely overwhelmed…”
@@llkellenbayes. I’m out of nursing because since I’ve had therapy, hospital culture is now toxic. I just want to be left alone to be in nature, to enjoy peace and quiet and just be.
A very powerful video! I also found I developed toxic positivity to deal with being let down by my family system. I'm learning to allow myself to say: "This is unfair and/or sh*tty. I'm allowed to be upset and have these feelings without shaming myself from not being "strong enough" or "getting over it" like my mother used to do". I allow myself to be upset and present with that, then begin a healing process. This has helped me release so much trapped negativity and bad energy.
@@annetteprice It most definitely is! The most strange form, because you think you are trying to see the best in things, but you are actually suppressing natural and normal feelings in the process!
There is a lot of wisdom to that. "Trapped" negativity and bad energy is so debilitating. It's okay to be angry. But also we have to take a step forward, or that anger can trap us too. I dont' want to wallow or lament for long. I think these videos are so helpful because it shows us ways to move forward.
the affirmations of “we can tolerate being misunderstood” bc it’s no longer unsafe rlly got to me, thank you. being misunderstood is a big trigger for me for many reasons that i can think of 😅 i knew why i didn’t like it and why it set me off, but this feels like the first time it’s been pointed out to me in this way.
My brain, whenever an emotional vampire latches onto me: "Well, THEY like me, so this is a good friendship, right? It's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them. Sure, they can be a little annoying, but I can be annoying too! I'm no prize! Who am I to judge anybody? They're not a BAD person. They had a rough childhood. It doesn't cost me anything to spend time with them and listen to them and support them, especially if it means so much to them! If I can't look past other people's faults, how can I expect anyone to put up with mine? I really should be grateful that anybody likes me and wants to spend time with me. This is a very positive relationship." My dad: *is a soul-sucking covert narc* My mom: *see above*
Hooooooooly fuck, that could be an excerpt straight from my brain. Good god lmfao. Thank you for sharing. Helps a lot to see it written out like that by someone who isn’t me.
"The right to a process, not perfection" is something that I wish I was allowed more of. Trying to navigate a world where you are neurodivergent and also be told "not everything is gonna be handed to you/you'd be fired for that mistake" creates so much shame in your existence. It's like you can never have issues and must embrace being perfect. Growing up and being told that I'm "contrarian for the sake of being contrarian" really fucks with your ability of self expression, because you literally cannot attempt to make any changes without it being held against you at a certain point. And then when you've decided to be more expressive, you are gaslit on that where you get told "you never showed indication of interest in this, so why now?"
“Contrarian for the sake of being contrarian”- whew that hit. Well within the flavor of “you only like/say/do that because you just want to be annoying/different”. You try and step out of the box they make and get shoved right back in. I feel for you. I hope you get to a place where you can let yourself enjoy the journey- the end result, or the destination, isn’t nearly so important as the part where you learn, screw up, grow, and explore.
Seriously grateful for these comments, also to Patrick for saying it like it is, kinda. Not to get twisted out of shape, but broken people do aggregate into broken systems.
They attract traumatised people. Who else is okay with having a fucked up sleep schedule, not having a consistent schedule, getting verbally abused under intense pressure, knowingly doing things which hurt us more? Traumatised people. Problem is what other industry do we go to without an education and make the money we do? And restaurants know that that’s how they suck you in.
I tried to explain this to my last therapist because I really needed help to know how to fight this. I felt so insecure, I still do and she just said to me “you don’t need anyone” and it made me feel insane. I’m tired of explaining this experience of reality and being classified as needy, codependent and lazy. I just need help, not to be judged for asking it.
There are a LOT of bad therapists out there. Many psychiatrists and therapists go into that field to fix their own problems. So, you have mentally ill people trying to fix themselves through other mentally ill people. How ridiculous, right?
@@teresamanuszak4183 It's not ridiculous at all, its the only way it makes sense. When I want to lose weight and learn how to keep it off for good, I consult with a fitness specialist who has "been there done that". You don't learn sh*t about living a healthy lifestyle from someone who was born with a fast metabolism and didn't have to work for it. I think your comment is a reflection of your own insecurity, feeling the need to tear others down just to make yourself feel better.
@@athens31415 ok, so I am trying not to "overexplain", but it appears that my comment is being misconstrued. (1) I was trying to support the original comment, being that I have had similar experiences. (2) I personally have had specific instances of unprofessionalism from therapists, psychiatrists, etc etc over the span of 20 years, since I left my abusive family. I have gotten worse because of their incompetence. (3) These SPECIFIC examples include-A- Hearing more about my therapist's problems than them helping me with my own. B- After having everyone focus on my OCD (which I do have), I presented that I need work in CPTSD to a psychiatrist. I was told by the psychiatrist "ONly Veterans get PTSD". I ended up enraged after going through years of ridiculousness, walking out of the lobby screaming about this. It was at that point I realized I needed to give up for awhile, and since have mainly done videos. C- The therapist at that time GHOSTEd me, as in would cancel 15 minutes before sessions once a week. She also would disappear for a week or two with no text, email, or phone call. I looked up her reviews recently, and I see SEVERAL people saying the same thing. Further, any time I mentioned anything, she would ramble about her divorce, the psycho ex husband, how she had to go to court, how she just spent two hours arguing with insurance on another patient, etc. D- I have been misdiagnosed for 20 years on either bipolar instead of OCD, because Bipolar is the hot diagnosis. Everyone is bipolar because everyone needs to pay for bipolar meds. My symptoms are textbook CPTSD and OCD, period. I have had to argue and debate, and I finally am getting better from self diagnosis. ******I could go on and on and on about 30 years of mishaps, but nobody wants to hear it. And now I just wrote more than I should have because people can't figure out what I was trying to say, and I shouldn't have to defend myself because NOBDOY KNOWS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. ANd that one of you that said "THere aren't LOTS of bad therapists", excuse me have you gone around and investigated all of the patients and therapists across the country to be able to BOLDY DECLARE THIS? No, you haven't. I as a patient have been friends with people ABUSED by tehrapists, I could write ten books on examples of this. NOW GO AWAY!
I felt totally indebted to my toxic family. I was barely tolerated so I never hardly asked for anything. I was gaslighted constantly and told I was selfish. It was a nightmare growing up in that toxic family.
Yes, me too. It's a terrible feeling I carry inside of myself and can't get rid off. I always feel so wrong! As if I am a terribly wrong person all the time.
@@jenaya_laila2442 you’re not wrong it’s them... think about, it why does family want you indebted? At least in my case They were content not facing any responsibilities and having Cinderella do everything quietly. As soon as I spoke up I was guilted and shamed and made even more invisible. So bye bye! Unless they want to be real. I need healthy authentic communication to survive.
my parents bought me a shirt as a kid that said "spoiled" on it but i was terrified of asking for anything if one of my siblings hadn't asked and been granted it first. shits fucked up
My father denied that he had terminal bone cancer until 3 days before he died and then was on heavy pain meds. He was the denial king. It didnt really happen.
1:37 “shame nest” that’s a great way to describe it….addressing a parents bad behavior then have them “flip the script” and make YOU feel bad for even bringing it up.🤦🏽♀️
Wow. It took me an hour to watch this 20 minutes video because I wrote down all the exercises and my brain kept shutting down so I couldn't remember what I'd just heard. It's sooo painful but it makes so much sense. I was looking into a painting class and have been gaslighting myself out of signing up for it... Was going to do that until it was too late to register and then I would berate myself for not signing up. I'm so awful to myself, it's shocking when I do these exercises and admit it. Thank you for these videos.
My spouse once said to me " i don't know where you got the idea your job is more important than your well being." At the time I just thought he didn't understand a " real" work ethic. Now I get it.
When I was a teenager, I went to Lechemere to buy an alarm clock. I plugged them all in (the shelf had outlets in the store), set the alarm for all of them, and chose the one that I liked best. In college, I melted a rainbow crayon over it. I still have it, decades later. That was a time when I knew exactly what I wanted and trusted myself. I loved that. In the past couple of weeks I have realized that it is very pressing that I find my intuition and my own preferences/perception again. This video helps so much. I didn't realize that's what I've been doing (gaslighting myself), but it is. Thank you, Patrick, for your work and for this video especially. I feel like this insight is much needed. And I am sorry about your walkman.
That’s a really cool example of knowing what you want and feeling connected to your intuition 🙂 I like how it was a practical device mixed with a creative way to choose it and decorate it
Me watching this, still going in my head: "It wasn't that bad, I'm just sensitive", while also crying at the words, hee ho. Luckily, working with a therapist on this, just starting to dig into this realm. Thank you for your videos.
That’s my number one way of gaslighting myself! I ALWAYS feel the need to minimize my experiences in order to either: stick up for the abuser/s or to justify their behavior as to why I deserved that or how I was in the wrong or invading my feelings because of my perception based on the fact that I was lucky and it could have been worse so why am I complaining instead of being relieved? *“Well it wasn’t as bad as… so I guess I was lucky” *“At least they didn’t… so I should feel grateful I was protected from…” *“Even though (fill in the blank occurred)... this didn’t happen… so I shouldn’t feel...” *“I shouldn’t feel xyz because my situation wasn’t as horrific & others are more worthy to acknowledge they were a victim of abuse because ‘technically’ it wasn’t that abusive compared to…”
There was many, many times my brother, sister, and I were shamed by our parents into overlooking the abuses we endured by others because our parents were more concerned about fitting in, being friends, and being non-confrontational with the parents of the kids that were bullying us, hurting, and stealing from us. One incident (out of many and certainly not the worst but it fits in with your video narrative) was my sister and I had one Barbie doll each. The neighbor girl was an extremely spoiled thief that had 4 or 5 of everything but it was never enough. Our very talented great aunt made one-of-a-kind Barbie doll clothes for our dolls. They were beautiful and we cherished them. The spoiled neighbor girl wasn't having any of that and stole not only the clothes but our dolls! We know she did this because we found them in her house. Our mother told us to stop crying and not make a scene while we, as 5 and 6 year-olds felt like our hearts were being ripped out. The thief played with our stolen things in front of us and we were never allowed to complain.
God, that's awful, literally torture. I genuinely can't understand how people can't even have a minimal sense of justice? That was basic... I hate so much when adult people don't believe in children.
"Gaslighting isn't real. You made it up because you're freaking crazy!" In all seriousness, thank you so much for these wonderful videos. They provide a completely new perspective ony childhood. 💖
I never got to say “no” growing up. My parents thought everything a child said in disagreement with them was disrespectful. If you said “but mom”, that was met with a slap or harsh punishment. I had no voice until I moved out of their home at 18. It took me years and I still have problems with speaking up. I’ve literally been gaslit most of my existence. Sad but true. Thanks again Patrick for validating me.
The interesting part of the child who parents is that at least in my experience even though I feel responsible for everyone I absolutely hate the fact that I feel that way. I mean what’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they take care of themselves?
I still get triggered by this - especially in romantic relationships where I feel I am being asked to do something that is the other person’s responsibility not mine. In ways that I feel “icky” rather than healthy helping. Then, of course, I am told that I am selfish.
@@happylindsay4475 “Icky” and “disgust” are words/labels that really help me describe those kind of situations, so thanks for that :D The only way to describe it before this was something along the lines of “a discrepancy between the situation outside and the feeling/intuition signaling me from the inside” which made me feel shame for giving in and doing what the other person demanded when I knew something was seriously off. They would always say “just do it,” or “just let it go,” while telling me that I was being dramatic/selfish. I was like, how am I supposed to “just go along with it” when I felt REPULSED by the mere thought of it? Yup, wayyyy icky.
Agreed, I also kept wondering why no one was really responsible (mental and emotional development) for me. I’ve been stuck at “when’s it my turn to be taken care of?” but now I guess I just have to do it myself like all along. These videos have been maybe the most blessed thing I’ve come across.
Thank you so much, because you have just validated an employment decision I made a couple of years ago. I was expected to schedule so that I was doing non-billable time outside of office hours. When I refused, the owner and lead clinician tried to shame me into it. For the first time in my life, I stuck up for myself and lost the job. I know I was right, but I've felt guilty for losing a job because I was "uncooperative." You've made it clear that not only was it okay, it was important for me to do it. Thank you!
"indebted vibe" - yes, totally understand this point, unfortunately. I felt like a burden, an inconvenience, and that made me think "what's wrong with me?" a lot. I felt ashamed for asking for pretty much anything. I felt wrong all the time, regardless of what I chose. Asking my family for guidance or help just led to a bunch of confusion and irritation because they'd toss out disaster scenarios (negative what ifs) for whichever situation. Omg...yes, I can see why I second guessed myself for so long! Just being aware of that fact has helped, and I don't do it near as much anymore. Your videos are part of my ongoing healing; they help me to flashback and release more. Thank you, great topic and examples! 💕
Yes I see all this in myself... my mom is an enabler flying monkey prob a vul.narc and propped up all my n fathers bad behaviours and everything was very cold emotionally. I knew early doors (and didn't work as anything set n.father off) to do everything 'right', this was compounded then by being neglected and gaslighting and allowed to be scapegoated by mom. What's totally the crusher is that mom now tells me I'm incapable mentally ill and can't decide on things. Seriously! do these people not understand what it means to parent a child... I know the answer already BUT I've felt like this all my life and been painted defective I cannot comprehend it and this from insecure people who went out of their way to hold me down and back and cause thself doubt in the first place! They don't and won't ever get it either it's much easier to blame us project on us.. A very hard pill to swallow 🙏🙏🙋
@@bereal6590 the hardest thing for me is people who've abused or unfriended me, their lives are better than mine, I've gone through hunger, unemployment and homelessness, yet, they've never known any of this, even family that were born after have disowned me, sorry, but I'm at the point were I wish I had never been born.
@@justelleslife507 They're not more deserving of better outcomes or morally superior to you. Just have a different life trajectory from you. Keep walking - your path has meaning and value. You have unique value and love.
I was adopted by my narcissistic aunt into her cult family. I had been living alone (ignored) by my alcoholic father for three years, after my mom died when I was ten. Indebted, that's all I got was I should be grateful for torment because they took me in. Here, be our slave, you'll never be good enough to be us and you get to hear it every day, but be grateful for it because we took you under our roof. Yeah, I still struggle 20 years later, but I am doing a lot of work on healing now.
As a kid I was bounced from house to house. As if that instability wasn't bad enough, I remember seeing a letter my elder sister had written to my mother. "Dear mom, I'm sorry to burden you with Nessa." Yeah that did a number on me. Toll date I hate having to ask for help or accept things from people for this reason. I always have to pay back and do what I perceive to be more than they did for me so they can't think of me as a burden. Working through it though.
I found out I have ADHD a few months ago, along with _apparentely_ severe high functioning depression and anxiety. Ever since I can remember every single tiny mistake I made or every recuring mishap that happened to me as a result having *heavy* attention issues and terrible memory were ALWAYS my blame and fault completely, and there was no other path to redemption/appeasement of those upset with my behavior (parents, teachers, peers, etc) except to just not make those mistakes anymore, which is impossible, just like it is impossible for a blind child to just start seeing because you're upset he tripped over a chair the third time this week at school. Every single -FUCKING- day was just me failing, every day I was shamed and ashamed that people had to put up with how incompetent I was. I was even castigated for messing up again one too many times, I just felt like the stupidest, dumbest, idiot that ever walked the earth, I felt like such an -asshole- everyday atleast a little bit. I would try to plead not guilty sometimes but evidently the ENTIRE world had a better assesment of my condition and I was obviously dilusional to think I needed help. I couldn't tell if I was going crazy or just had terribly low IQ, and I ended up believing both, like _actually believing that_ (the sky is blue, water is wet, I am dumb) I'm 20 now and Im having such a hard time releasing the belief that it IS my fault, always, and I HAVE to "just do better". To forgive myself feels so immoral and incorrect and irresponsible. I have also become completely unable to tell when I am trying my hardest, I always feel like I could have done better even though in the moment I couldn't give a better effort. I feel incompetent. I'm afraid of challenge. How am I ever gonna be a husband, with a stable career and income, how?! How could I be a good dad some day? How could that possibly ever happen, its gotta be mathematically impossible. I love my parents and they did great parenting compared to *their* parents, but they really messed me up royally on this one . . . EDIT: Dammit I wrote too much again. If u read this it's probly because u have a similar situation. I hope my comment put the words in your mouth for you in some way. And just to let you know, I hear some people say _there IS hope_ so I guess you and I have something to search for now, rather than wallow in this mess. Have a mice day.
I am teary over what you wrote..so much pain and suffering...while I can do nothing directly to help you my prayers and positive thoughts are with you that you find a mentor to help you work through the issues so that you realize your value and can become the person you wish to be..Debbie
@@deborahedelman2659 Thank you. I NEVER write this much on youtube cuz nobody reads, I was actually in a goofy mood when I typed it out. I hope you as well find help and strength to walk a more straight path in your leel day 2 day life. . . .
I can relate. I feel like a failure too. Like why is it so hard for me to do the things everyone else does all the time? So every day I push myself and try my hardest and then only achieve about half of what I set out to do. But don't worry, you can definitely become a husband and a dad one day. My significant other feels the same way and I suspect he has ADHD or something along those lines. And because I understand what it feels like, I don't judge him for things others do. I can put myself in his shoes and totally get it. He is the best dad ever and I do have a reference to compare to. Hahaha You can do this! Maybe finding the right medication will help. I keep reading people saying finding the right one is like putting on your glasses for the first time. Would be nice for everything not to be so exhausting and difficult all the time!
@@ughimtired6439 I tend to have intrusive thoughts of every screwup I've ever committed...the fcukup hit parade. It actually seems to be an anxiety feature. So if I can learn how to calm the anxiety through conscious relaxation? I may get less of it. It's a crappy thing, but I'm kind of relieved to see someone else who deals with it. Best wishes, thanks for posting.
I finally put my foot down with my mom, I trusted my intuition and said no. Needless to say, we aren’t speaking now. And Im now gaslighting myself… I’m just being selfish, it wasn’t that bad, I’m such an ungrateful brat and I need to fix this now. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who reminds me when I’m deep into those thoughts, that they aren’t true. I have a great therapist ive recently started seeing who’s helping me heal my inner child. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, for sharing tools to help us recover. You are a remarkable human doing remarkable work.
You’re doing your mom a favor. I finally learned about co-dependence and how much projection was going on. I believe that setting clear boundaries with my mom is helping her heal, encouraging her to set boundaries and leaving no ambiguity about what is acceptable. Your mom may even been proud of you deep down, even if she attempts to gaslight you. Take it off both of your plates. No needs no explanation.
The best thing I ever did for myself was, at age 45, to tell my mother that we would only communicate via letter, because my therapist said so. I would get anxiety attacks whenever I spoke to her on the phone. (Thankfully my husband was in the military and we lived hundreds of miles away from her. No, she never wrote.) When she died a few years ago, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" and did not go to her funeral. Yes, I still have work to do because I still have a lot of anger.
This was done to me my whole life by my family. I'm at the point of not being able to tolerate this type of behavior. For the last ten years I've had very little contact with any of them with the exception of my mother, and even that is pretty minimal. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He literally saved my life. I love the phrase " normal reaction to an abnormal situation". When I told my therapist that same thing, she just gave me a blank stare. Needless to say, I don't see her anymore. Thank you for the great video! Very re-enforcing! 🙏🙌
Sometimes coaches are better than therapists. The ‘And how does that make you feel’ lasted for awhile to make my feelings validated, then got boring and somewhat empty. I needed goals-especially solutions, and a way to deal with my reactions. I find Caroline Leafs work helpful at this point. She has some good books and ideas..
@@thistree9028 I will definitely look into Caroline Leaf. I have never heard of her. I get what you mean about the "And how does that make you feel'. I don't remember hearing the term narcissistic abuse until recently. I think most therapists don't even know what it is. It helps when the person helping you has had the same types of experiences, otherwise how can they help. Sometimes a re-victimization can happen from the therapist and they are not even aware that they are doing it. I have had that happen to me, and I find that coaches are much better.
@@ancientmuse7297 Yeah, we are pioneers in the narcissism experience. No one should be are Gurus, but developing thinking skills can help a lot in wading through the quagmire..There’s good info- not so much at times, out there. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I’m going to sleep now…
Entirely up to you if you ever want to return to therapy, but good therapist can be really hard to find… too many people walk around with the credentials but actually does more harm than good… I know this from personal experience as well as studying to be a counselor now.
it took years and many doctors and therapists to find someone that actually helped me, there's good professionals out there, but they are hard to find. My last therapist changed my life, and im so grateful, the more the time passes the more i think i should have paid him more, the value of what i got increases. over time. But yeah, i had lot's of years and money wasted on people that didn't really care about me. One of them literally said to me "i don't get you" and i was there so unable to react, i felt hopeless, if a psychologist couldn't get me i was doomed. But that's not true, im nothing special, she just sucks at her job.
Taking notes for myself :) Reparent and connect with your inner child and ask the following (reflective) questions- 1. What would happen if you said no and disagreed growing up? 2. What would happen if you needed help from your parents about how to feel or think about something? 3. What would happen if you brought up, or wanted to bring up something that didn't feel right to you, or wasn't right for you? 4. What would happen if you go after something you wanted growing up? (e.g., trying out some after-school thing) -to get a sense of WHAT THE FEARS ARE Construct new beliefs for your inner child as a healthy parent i) We now have right to a process, not immediate perfection ii) We also have the right to how WE see things (which wasn't true growing up) iii) We have the right to OUR truth about the issue iv) We CAN tolerate being misunderstood and disagreements, but we COULDN'T growing up, because those weren't safe The inner child believe in the abusive narratives and second guessing because they helped us survived in the abusive environment. It seemed necessary at the time but no longer works.
when I was graduating high school and confused about picking a college major, that's when I think the biggest gaslighting moment from my mom happened. I was an artistic kid since childhood, but I also happened to be good at science, while both my parents were doctors. For those two HS years when I was 16 and 17, my mom completely brainwashed me into believing that I didn't have the grit to do art for my career, and being a doctor was my only 'safe' option. I have this letter from her where she wrote down a LIST of things she claimed I would never achieve, and how only she is right about my needs and wants. I started believing it and second guessing my passion. Everyone who knew me at that point remembers me as somebody who genuinely wanted to be a doctor, that's how convinced I was. I studied to get into med school for two harrowing years that took a huge toll on my mental health to the point i would wish death upon myself everyday. But somehow I got into design school and got a chance to build a career out of what I actually loved. But it took me years to unlearn that I didn't have what it takes, and stopping myself from seeking out opportunities. I'm still in the process of teaching myself that I'm not "unmotivated", and have managed to independently make a career out of art. Looking back I understand that she wanted me to have a life which wasn't as risky, but her MO had completely ruined my self worth, which I'm still recovering from.
I had a similar experience with my father. He actually told me that if I pursued Music, that I would end up homeless on the street. That terrified me & he managed to convince me to study Math instead. I came to resent Math & now I want to get as far away from it as possible. I am back on track with MY dream of being a musician. I am not interested in being famous (I remember what happened to Michael Jackson 😢 & do NOT want that!) I just want to play & record my music. And NOT do anything with Math or computers.
I understand. My dad actually made me burn all the books that I had written, saying pursuing a career in writing was stupid dreaming/wishful thinking, etc and he even made me quit school, and tried to force me to take welding classes (I'm female. I hated the idea of being forced to learn welding! Consequently, I did "okay" at it, but wasn't happy). In my late 50s I finally enrolled in college for creative writing. My professors were ASTOUNDED by my "natural ability" and received offers to publish my books. I'm gaslighting myself to the point that even though I have FINISHED books sitting on my desk, I will not submit them to the publishers who offered to publish them... because I don't think I'm good enough. This video is helping me to come to terms with my life, and maybe I can work at it and follow my dreams... but I'm 60 now. I don't know if I can still do it 😕 🤔.
This describes my life. I only wanted to take art classes in high school, but my mom FORCED me to take advanced science and math. She was (and still is) convinced that only she knows what is best for me. She gets offended when I don't like the same tv shows as her. This caused me to stuff everything I am into a deep hole until at one point I actually could not remember what I loved to do. I remember hearing a relative of a friend talk about his career and how he loved it so much he would do it even if he weren't payed, and thinking 'gosh, I know I used to feel that way about something, but I can't remember what!" Years later I'm still terrified to pursue what I really want because I'm afraid if I go for it and fail, I'll be proving her right. It's really inspiring to hear that you pursued design anyway and have been successful at it :)
I am always stunned by how well you know and explain me and my life experience. Even just hearing you speak the actuality of my childhood. My mother denied that I was even worthy of a right to my own thought process. She is 94 and I am 58, and it's still happening. Kids don't count (the seen and not heard thing). I was an immensely well-behaved child because I was always, and still seeking approval with EVERYTHING. And not getting it turns me into a frantic, panicked hot mess. I was raised as if adults knew everything, without question, and were always right. At 58, I'm still feeling very much like a child, and waiting anxiously for the sudden enlightenment of adulthood to be magically bestowed upon me. I don't think it ever occurred to me it was something I could work toward. But I'm chronically ill, and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep days away. The prospect of committing to all of the hard work to heal makes me want to curl up in a ball in a far corner of my closet. But whether I am able to do any of the work or not, it is SO deeply soothing to feel truly SEEN by you; to have identified to me exactly what was wrong with my situation - and not just what's wrong with me. My mother is the kind of person who didn't speak to me for four days in my early 20s for wearing white pantyhose to a family dinner. White pantyhose make your legs look fat, supposedly. Wow all of these horrible memories are bubbling up in my mind at a frantic pace, and I'm getting angry and resentful. Thank you for your generosity. I'm not in a financial situation to contribute unfortunately, but I would absolutely love to. You are amazingly generous and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very meaningful person in my life.
My heart bleeds for you. She sounds like mine was. I'm glad mine has gone. I never shed one tear. Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve peace. Lana xxx
One of the most eye opening things that a friend of mine told me was: “would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or will only love you when it benefits them?”. It’s no wonder I felt like it was wrong to just be my own person and they would say I was “not on the same page” 😒
This is literally me right now and my situation. My mom was/still is abusive. She is also my boss currently. i help her run a very busy restaurant and she has parentified me my whole life, getting from me what she can’t from my dad. Any time i talk about leaving the restaurant she subtly gaslights me and i feel guilted into staying, i turn 30 in a few months and other than 1 year i have worked for them since my 16th birthday. I finally applied for the course i want to take tonight. Ive wanted it for so long but it was really hard to do this. I literally needed 4 different people to tell me to do it to hold my hand and tell me its gonna be ok. Ive been talking myself out of it all year and gaslighting myself to make sure my moms needs come before mine. She’ll never get it :(
I’m e cited for you to start your new life! Congratulations! Your mom needs to grow up. She can hire anyone to do what you do. She needs to let you live your own life (which she won’t). I can tell she wants you to work at the restaurant till you die. But her goals and dreams are not yours. You get to have a chance at your own life. She has already stolen far too much of your life already. Be guided by what makes you feel truly excited! Then you are following your passion and truth. The one God wants for you.
Even before you take the course.. go apply to other restaurants. Another restaurant will hire you in a heartbeat if you’ve been in the service industry for 14 years. You need to get AWAY from your abuser or you will never heal. You don’t have to go no contact right away but you need to not have your housing or or income tied to her. Even if that makes things more difficult or stressful the longer you’re working under her the harder it’s gonna be to leave. You can’t start healing until you get out of the toxic environment
This makes so much sense. My mom used to ask me why I did something or what I was thinking. After telling her, she would then say “no, this is why you did it.” My answers were never good enough or maybe they just didn't line up with how she felt. I really don't have much confidence in my own feelings or thoughts, and as an adult have to put logical thoughts into my feelings to validate them. I find that very hard to do a lot of the time. I think as a result I'm very slow to speak up for myself because the process of explaining to myself what happened in a situation and validating my feelings for myself and then being able to communicate that to others takes so long that most people see me as a pushover or meek.
I generally talk myself out of action-in-harmony-with-myself/perceptions and then tell myself "it's not that bad I can handle it" or "it's not that bad, it's probably not even happening" or "my friend would never do that because she's my friend"
I went through so much of this. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived. I've been suicidal most of my life, living in extreme isolation, wrestling with flashbacks or disassociation.
Wow, wow, wow. I’m a 30 year old man, 6’2”, 225 lbs, and I’m wanting to ball my eyes out.😢 my life makes so much sense now. I’ve felt sick from shame and self doubt for so long, and hearing this takes a huge weight off my back, and helps me not feel sick to my stomach. But I also feel extremely pissed tf off about everyone gaslighting me, telling me I wrong for what I was feeling through out my life. Fing bs. I’m angry I listened to them and not myself.
Yes. I am left feeling like a burden to the world, so I overextend myself and have horrible perfectionism until it’s absolutely crippling. My mother constantly pointed out everything wrong with me, including being “too sensitive”. I haven’t cried since I was a child. I wish I could cry. It would be such a relief. Why can’t I cry??
As an adult, in an effort to extend an olive branch to my narc mother I suggested we have a fun road trip in a convertible. She kept talking about other people coming and when I asked why it couldn't be just the two of us she said, reluctantly, that sometimes I was "a bit much." I was stunned. I gave up. That whole family is her family. Not mine. She's always right, I'm always ungrateful and wrong, and even at 52, it's the same. But since I started to say no, every single relationship fell apart to where I am not really even speaking to any of them except her. It's amazing how people reveal their true selves when you say no. It's like a cult and if you're not all in, you're all out.
😲 My mom did that so many times... To all of us. Even to my younger sisters that are 10 & 12 yrs younger than me. She never stopped the "I did not!" Or "I don't know what you are talking about." So now when my kids try to recollect something that happened with me, I feel really bad if I sincerely don't remember. But I will say "I'm really sorry I don't remember. But I believe you."
Like i've never been this seen ever! Right now i was about to link this vid to my best friends and my inner child went like: "You're exaggerating, stop victimizing yourself!! You don't need all that psychological knowledge, you're just wining right now" This is ridiculous how deeply rooted all of this is. Gaslighting myself even now
I cannot remember most of my childhood from a traumatic situation that happened to me. I believe I had a psychotic episode at 8 yrs old that my parents never got help for me. Eventually I got better but it changed me.They have gaslighted me since I can remember. Always denying what I feel and what has happened. Till this day I struggle with reality and perceptions. It is a conscious effort for me and it really is exhausting. I do have contact with my parents but it is minimal. The fact that I don't remember much makes me distrust them. I believe they don't want to admit to being poor parents.
During an argument I told my dad who was sick with cancer that “sometimes I wish I had cancer” and he replied “good, someday you will have it” Emotional slap in the face, and he never apologized.
I have always felt I need to be as useful as possible or there is not need for me to be around. I was made to feel worthless if I didn't give of myself. I was so uncomfortable for year everywhere I went and always felt unwelcome and unwanted. Still anywhere I work I work so hard to prove I'm worth of being there. Watching your videos is really helpful in unleaning all the bad thoughts I've always carried. Thank you
My step father told me “if you ever tell your mother she’ll hate you because I love you more”. I hate confrontation. If I do get up the courage to address an issue with someone, I always end up apologizing and explaining how I am wrong in my thinking and shouldn’t have said anything.
I'm sorry that you went through this. I don't know if you are religious, but God will get him on Judgement Day and you will get your ultimate justice! In the meantime sending hugs and prayers your way. 🙏💜
I've also only had terrible therapy experiences so far. Mostly the therapists dumped their insecurities and problems on me instead of understanding me and trying to help me.
cognitive behavioral therapy is what you probably are looking for, before knowing about it i also felt professionals couldn't help me. needless to say i wasted a lot of money before looking for a specialized therapist.
@@TheMagicOwL127 It might be helpful for some but CBT was the problem for me personally not getting help in therapy. Need a trauma-informed therapist. One size doesn't fit all.
As a teenager I always had to prove that I'm really sick and I'm not pretending. When I had a fever and a high temperature my mother was the best, she took care of me, let me skip school, made me soup and bought me chocolate. When I had a headache or a stomachache, my life became hell. When I couldn't prove I'm unwell, she called me a liar, made me go to school even when I was crying from pain. It happened often because my periods were very painful, but my mum didn't believe me, cause hers were not that bad and she thought I was just looking for an excuse to skip school and get extra attention. Now I feel soo guilty when I get sick. I gaslight myself that it's actually alright, I should go to work, it's not that bad, I'm just lazy. It's so very hard to take care of my health now. My boyfriend basically makes me take the medicine and stay in bed, he takes me to hospital, cause I just can't go on my own. Thanks mum!
This was overwhelming for me. I was about to log off but I allowed myself to simulateously feel overwhelmed and continue to see why. And now I know it's a trigger which means most of my childhood was a gaslighting experience and will be discussing this with my therapist.
Great video, thank you. Areas I gaslight myself: feeling unable to judge what is reasonable and unreasonable - seeking other people's opinions because I think they must know better and that their feelings are valid. Massively second guessing myself after leaving relationships. Wanting my friends to talk me into staying in a relationship that feels wrong for me.
13:30 Holy crap that made me, like, SO ANGRY. Wow. I just... That kind of garbage parenting is why I believe there needs to be a licensing system in place for parenting. ARGH. I'm so sorry you dealt with that.
It's like "I'll side with anyone but you, boy. Even if that guy did steal it, I'm pretty sure he deserves that walkman much better than you do. You should have been careful with your stuff."
I have said this so many times. We’re required to take a tea for the “privilege” to drive and will lose that privilege if we break the law, but anyone can bring life into the world with absolutely no training or instruction.
Free parenting classes, instruction in schools about emotions and interpersonal relationships, financial support to parents, community support, ways for children to have more agency to escape abuse, and so forth versus tests that would be impractical to the level of impossibility as well as applied in biased ways
@@stillnotstill We could do both. Tests that are easy to pass if you're trying even moderately. I'm not demanding A+ parenting; this is about weeding out the people who aren't just crummy parents but toxic parents. Licensing and tests would come with increased funding and much more rigid requirements for foster care and community support for kids. But people who don't actively want kids should be dissuaded from having them, and requiring a license to keep your kid is part of that. Just throwing resources at people isn't enough; between bad actors using them maliciously and many bad parents not bothering at all, there needs to be some oversight and gatekeeping. Would it have problems with bias? Yes, absolutely. But I staunchly argue it would be better than how things are now. To be clear: I am not a fantastic parent. I'm a well-meaning trauma victim trying to do better for my son than the world did to me. Being held to some external higher standards would good for me when the auto-pilot gears towards "useless dad".
I left my narcissistic mother’s house to move in with my partner because she kept trying to tell me who I was and what I wanted, and I could not take it anymore. I keep noticing the patterns of gaslighting myself, I hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me my relationship isn’t going to work, telling me I’m not actually trans, telling me I’m lazy & an entitled brat. tons of shitty things. I have seen them manifest into how I treat myself and my partner but I’m working really hard on my reactions and then my emotions. I’m not even close to being all the way there yet but I’ve been recognizing these things and making progress slowly :)
High school drama teacher impressed with my skill. At 20, I told my mom I might go try Hollywood. She absolutely flipped into a nasty smack down: "You won't MAKE it in Hollywood! Do you KNOW how many young WOMEN go down there and FAIL?! Forget IT-you'll just end up becoming a PROS-titute!" SO f***ed UP, but it worked. I failed at everything, took zero risks (like Hollywood), and I'm so terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed in jack squat. She'd just sh*t all over it. I believe extreme jealousy drove her to compete with us. Our success would shine a HUGE spotlight on her own miserable failures. She still remains vicious and cruel, so both girls have zero contact. Blows.
I remember being a kid with low self esteem and for years, I wanted to be good at things like my brother after seeing how much praise he got. Growing up, my self esteem was very low and the thing I wanted most in life was recognition like my brother got. In 9th grade, I joined the cross country team. I believed that If I tried as hard as I could, I would be the fastest runner on the team despite not having done distance running before. I was wrong. In the time trial, I came in last and when I told my mom, I falsely believed she would be encouraging and would say that even though I didn't do that great, I should keep on trying. I still wonder what drugs I was on that would make me do think she would respond like that. I shouldn't have told her the truth. But I did and she was furious. She blamed me for how I probably have embarrassed myself, embarrassing her, and how all the other girls would make fun of me. She became even more mad when I told her I wanted to keep going to practice. I remember sitting in my room that evening, contemplating if there was anything I was good at, desperately reflecting on any achievements I may have had, and finding none. I wondered if my life was a lost cause. Lastly, I thought about what would happen if I stayed on the team, wondered about the possibility of being decent, or even really good at something. At that moment, I decided to stay on the team, despite not knowing how the outcome would be for me, not knowing if I would find success, but I stayed on in spite of my mom. She wasn't supportive of me until I actually became a decent runner, and then a good runner. But I knew that she would only give me support, only if I was good at something. I hated that reality and rarely ever let her come to the races, since I decided that she really didn't deserve to be there and that I was the one who encouraged myself, not her. I taught myself that her encouragement isn't as important as the encouragement I give to myself.
When you mentioned that your mom was an alcoholic and that made you uncomfortable, my FIRST thought was "why? That's not HER fault." So, thanks for helping me spot my own instances of self gaslighting
14:02 my issue is, it's so engrained that I wouldn't have even called that example gaslighting - my family never did anything *but* that, so I really struggle when I see it in the present day to detach myself from others who talk like this in work/uni etc
Oh my God this makes so much sense to me. I nearly gaslighted myself into marrying someone telling myself that the feelings would grow later even if I didn't really feel like I wanted to.
I actually told myself that and now finally after 20,21,22? (I Lost count) years together (20+ yrs married) I fully regret it 100% and am in my 40s trying to figure out how to get income so I can move out.
The same situation happened to me. He loved my abusive mother and she loved him, so it made it that much harder to refuse. I knew that I never wanted children, and I knew that he did. Thankfully you and I were both able to protect ourselves! When my now husband met my mother, he told me that it was obvious that she was completely crazy. It was a light shining through the heavens. I wasn't the insane one!
Trying to process all that arises in me, as I watch this video... I've fallen in love with a man. And it's destroying me. Breaking me. The pain is too much. Unbearable. Leaves me breathless. Because... I don't know what his feelings are for me? But he clearly doesn't love me: like I love him... And that leaves me full of shame... I'm 42 and have never been in a relationship... I have no friends. No career. No money. No love. No nothing. And I'm old now. I'm a complete utter total failure. And I die in the shame and the grief and the rage of it all...
I love the idea of thanking oneself for buying into the gaslighting, because that’s what helped us survive. Thank you for saying that. It took away the guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying over falling for the lies. ❤️
I relate to this. My father terrorized our family unit, and my mom became a weak screamer. I was screamed at everyday of my life. It's taken a long time to align with, calm energy, within my inner system. I learned that slow minimal eyemovments , aligned with my slow breathing , and deliberate mouth movements all in sync with a dignified synchronized flow, helps me to feel my true, cool self
This video is great. Growing up, I felt like I had to go around life acting like I should apologize for being there or for feeling unhappy when there was a problem (I was told it meant I was ungrateful). And this experience does extend romantically/ professionally or in whatever adult relationships. It's really cathartic to hear all of this. It's validation I never got when I was younger. All of the experiences you've described resonate a lot with me. I think the best and most difficult thing I had to teach myself in the aftermath of my childhood was to stand up for myself and walk away from people or workplaces that weren't good for me and to believe I'd find better things that I was deserving of.
I am a pro at almost getting finished with something and then self-sabotage sets in. Any time I heard of a job or a project that was completely and perfectly in line with my interests, I gushed about it when I told someone, but almost immediately started talking myself down about how there's someone more talented than I am who should do it or I'll just flake out and not finish and quit and why did I bother when I knew I would screw up before I even started....sigh. I hate this crap. I have always held myself back with crippling SELF DOUBT AND SHAME. I wasted my entire life telling myself no, but what would happen if I told myself yes for a change?
The too sensitive comments, I grew up with this and heard it so many times. My mother later said, “I told you that because the work is a harsh place to live.” Just further exasperated the feelings of my pain or insecurities being too much for her/for anyone. Between 7-14 I was the emotional stabilizer when my parents fought. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry to them to please stop fighting so I could sleep. These things stay with us and I continue to gaslight myself because of all of this. I am so grateful to your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
My little sister had severe anxiety and other issues that didnt have a name back in the 80s. She had a therapist her entire childhood just to get her to go to school. She demanded everything from my parents under the threat of throwing a fit, she threw fits daily anyway. They gave in. She sat in the passenger seat of the car, my mom sat in back with me, granted shes like 7 years old at this point. She missed all of 5th grade. My mom went back to work and left me with my sister, never explaining what the issue was just that she was a "bad kid." Throw in my loveless narcissist father who blew up at me for breaking something worth $5, even then I was like wtf? Never an "it's ok son, we'll get another." No it was always "goddammit! What the hell did you do?" Terrible. I was traumatized by all this and they did nothing and neglected me further. I went low contact purposefully and moved across the country knowing that I would never experience love and acceptance from them. I acted out a fool for decades but to them I was a perfect angel genius. I fooled them, but it was too easy. My sister matured a bit, but my issues went unresolved until now since I started looking into this. I've been people pleasing killing myself for "music" (the only thing my dad enjoyed) which is pretty much a toxic system too. Type 1 diabetes, chronic neck pain. Unresolved trauma. Giving in to everyone's demands. Somehow married a woman whose family says 'I love you" to each other every day. Definitely not my experience. When I tried to talk about my childhood my mom would say "you had a great childhood!" Total gaslighting. Then we'd talk about how my sister was a "bad kid" and I'd say that it affected me, she'd say "but you're ok, right? I don't want to have to worry." I spent my life evading my family and protecting them at the same time.
When you said you were called 'selfish', and then when you said we think ourselves as 'burden' i absolutely i ended up crying. i was always the 'problem' child with my mom. i love her, but she has been very very tough on me. i was called a villain, a bad person, i was compared to some of my relatives who have done actual horrible things. Why? Just cuz she doesn't like me. You'll hear her say she 'has always loved me' but her way of 'love' for me is so very different than her love for my younger brother. She told me because i'm the eldest, i shouldn't focus on studying further in History (because i wanted to be an archaeologist) cuz she and my dad are from 'Science' disciplines and my subject is lame. i ended up telling myself that yes, History is lame. She asked, 'What would you do with a degree? Be a teacher?' So i gave up studying further. But my younger brother is 'studying further' and is living abroad. He didn't even think twice, he just up and left. Mom is proud of him cuz he's doing a doctorate in Physics. He will become a 'teacher' in Physics. She said, i have to focus on making money. So i chose animation, told myself this is what i like (i really do like it, but i know my life would've been so much better if only i stuck to will to study History). Then it was just wrong decision after wrong. i got the job but the pay was very low and work hours, terribly. i chose to study fashion, but i told myself, if i leave for college, then who will take care of my parents? So, naturally, i didn't continue. i took financial accounting for monetary reasons, but it was the same thing again. When i said i have to move for work, she got very ill and then i had to stay back. Now i'm unemployed, have nobody, will never have anybody. i only have my parents and i doubt my sanity every. single. day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how old you are but I’m old enough to understand that sometimes you have to free yourself any way you can. Two things you need to remember: 1. This is your life. Don’t live it for someone else and what they think is best path. Give yourself permission to live your life. 2. Jobs and careers that are high status do not always make you happy. Sit down and figure out what would make you happy. Would you be happy working a job you hate, that sucks your time and life but pays well, or a job that makes you excited to wake up, but makes enough to keep a roof and food on the table??? If your love is history, don’t give up on it. You studied financial accounting, but had to stay home. Pursue a remote job, if possible. Use free college course sites to study History on the side. When you learn something interesting, make videos about it on your channels. Share why History is exciting to you… Your enthusiasm will draw others. You may not be able to change your situation right now, but you can change your mindset and not be defeated. Having an overbearing parent can drown out your own thoughts and ideas. That’s why it’s important to be on your own. But if that’s not possible, carve out time and space for yourself where she isn’t around and start thinking of what you want your life to look like. Don’t feel bad if you don’t see it at first. That’s normal. Just observe other peoples lives and write down parts you like or DONT like. Sorry for the long reply. I wish you the best.
Fun side project for you: work on your own animation of historical periods you like. We’re all cheering you on. You can still escape and have your own life and still be near and dear to your parents, it’s never too late.
These videos are helping me so much, I just needed someone to explain how the abuse effected me because my experience felt so unique that I couldn’t relate. And here I am. Relating
I’d have to say this is one of my favorites, so important to our healing is to trust our intuition and being aware of how we shut it up is the beginning to shifting the paradigm.
Oh wow. When you mentioned that stopping doing something right before finishing. Of that im sobbing😭 I have ADHD, so i have just tought that thats the reason. I nevet stick to something. But than again. I see and meet so many people with ADHD that actually finishing and getting good. They just use more time. But with. Im afraid of continuing.. It really makes sense. Im dead afraid of not managing things. Cause that ive been told since i was a kid. They were supposedly afraid of me getting hurt so they advising me to not try. Sneaky🥺🥺🥺 Helicopter parenting can hurt. Let your kids try and fail! Let it be okey.
My father used to ask my opinion about something. When I'd give him my honest opinion (and it didn't matter what the subject was), he would invariably say, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." All he needed was the cigar and the accent and he would've sounded exactly like Grouch Marx-but he was being serious. "Set up, like a bowlin' pin Knocked down, it gets to wearin' thin They just won't let you be..."-The Grateful Dead _Truckin_
I have an alcoholic mother, narcissistic father (pill addiction), and I’m the HSP scapegoat while older sister is golden child (BPD, histrionic). I’ve cut off my dad and sister 4 months ago.this year with the help of you, therapists over zoom and two other therapists videos I feel like I’m really improving my life. Finding out these roles unlocked so much realization and healing for me, sometimes it seems like you’re talking about me exactly.I also realized I was majorly triggered at work (thank you for that video) and surrounded myself with narcissists. It’s very healing and comforting to know these roles and traumas have been named and that we have tools to heal them. Thank you. I’ve now got a boss that truly values me, have said goodbye to narcissistic friends, and focus firstly on myself and my healing.
100% me. Totally gaslight myself. If I pointed out something my mum (she’s 84) did that I didn’t think was appropriate she would spin any blame so quickly back on me & change her version of the story denying the original truth. We’d end falling out but it was me who was grief stricken and used to reach out to make up. She behaved like nothing happened. Final straw was 6mths ago when she turned up excited about arranging a 50th for my brother. When I remarked I didn’t get a 50th party from her she said “stop being so petty”. Geez, I am glad I am no contact at the moment whilst i get therapy & heal. Then I can decide if no contact has to be permanent. Your channel is such a huge help x
“Self-doubt and shame are essentially the same thing”.
A HUGE BOMBSHELL right there.
It’s a lot to feel or even look at.😒
The same! Oh my I have some inner work needed.
I feel like a self-portrait of self-doubt and shame. It says if it's a life sentence. And it's so painful to say that.
it might happen that shame --may-cause --> self doubt but i don't think they're the same
i think self doubt could be beneficial if used in order to make informed decisions. like: exploring a problem from different angles. and sometimes you find out that you overlooked some aspects and that ends up changing the right answer, changing the decision to a better one.
i imagine shame more like a fear of failure or fear of not showing up to expectations
Yes!
The "indebted" vibe, oh God is that the truth. My mom got pregnant with me at 18, and my father was 20, drunk, and abusive. And she always let me know at a young age that I ruined her life. Oh, she didn't say it like that. She said, "Don't do what I did, don't have a baby young, it'll ruin your life. Not that I don't love you, I do, I wouldn't trade you for anything, but... yeah, it'll ruin your life." Honestly, what did she think 5 year old me would take from that?
My mom would yell into my face "You have ruined my life! You have turned me into a whining, weak, stupid monster! You all did that to me, bastards!" Probably, she meant me, my dad, and my brother all together. But she never said it to them. She yelled it to me when I was 5, 15, 44. I was always feeling guilty and depressed. Only now now I understand where the feeling came from.
@@annapodnozova5310 That is so sad, you didn't deserve that!
@@annapodnozova5310ditto. 1:11
The “too sensitive” and “too much” really resonates with me. Any time I experience any kind of negative emotion, I wonder if I’m being dramatic, or if I’m over reacting. And sometimes, that happens with positive emotions. Sometimes I get this fear that I’m being too enthusiastic and people won’t like it. My mom used to tell me I needed to calm down or else I’d be too much and drive away potential friends
This this this. Absolutely this. Then I apologize to friends for having feelings and they always say "You are fine, don't apologize" and wonder why I am apologizing for having emotions.
I’m sorry that you had that experience growing up… it certainly sucks to be conditioned into doubting yourself so much that as an adult now it is harder to know you actually feel and want to feel…
Wow thanks for mentioning it. I have a child who is soooooo enthusiastic at times and it really does drive other kids away. I litterly feel so sad for my kid because he is considered "weird" to other kids and he's left wondering why nobody will play with him even though he's super nice to everyone. I used to try and tell him to try and not be so enthusiastic and wait for kids to come up to him In hopes he would beable to make friends and he wouldn't be so lonely. Now I'm wondering if I was just hurting him even more. Now that he's getting a little older (he's 9) his enthusiasm about everything has calmed down a little and he has been able to make friends but it's still an issue for him at times. Kids are awful sometimes and if they are having a bad day they can't stand seeing others happy so he gets targeted alot when he's so enthusiastic and happy. That's basically what I've tried to tell him. But maybe I should keep that to myself because I certainly don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is by other kids.
You are never too much! If you want to know what someone really thinks please ask them. I’m sure they will answer you. Most importantly, tell someone you truly trust about your problems.
Same here...
I still remember the first time a therapist calmly told me that my reactions were "normal" and the situation was Not. That was the beginning of MY life for me.
and THANK YOU for pointing out how restaurants are like "toxic family systems" SO TRUE in many places.
how the tables have turned regarding SARS
My therapist followed my mothers direction to diagnose me bipolar to mark me as the crazy one and never looked into any abuse or anything real going on. All therapists are part of a system of control and have no interest in actually helping people. the people who are drawn to this model of therapy are inherently power hungry and sadistic. Capitalism has rotted their brain so much they think the only way to help people is to take away control that people have over themselves, stick them in a box, and drug them to stupefy them so they never question the state
If I said no to anyone in my toxic family, they would use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. Or I would be punished for being selfish. Saying no came with real consequences in a narcissistic family.
Feel that.
My family continued with their relationships with the abuser & just didn't give me any option, either like their choices or not. It didn't bother them in the slightest as long as their life didn't change. 'it didn't happen to them' so hey should their life change?
Two years ago at the grand age of 53, walked away from them all & their horrible dysfunction. Covering cracks doesn't work for me anymore, I've found my voice.
Feel that, when he asked the question I thought about it and I really don't remember ever saying no to my parents, even as a very small child I was known for never being ornery about anything (because I was so neglected) if I wasn't going to do what I was told I would just quietly not do it, I don't think I outright refused to do anything ever in my childhood
Ooh yep! I totally get where you're coming from. Even asking for minor and basic consideration was met with accusations of selfishness. Taught me never to stand up for myself even if I was being reasonable and just asking to be treated as a human.
If I said no to anyone in my family, I would have been beaten within an inch of my life
WOW been there
I definitely gaslight myself around emotions a lot. Any negative emotion is immediately met with "they probably have good reasons" "I shouldn't bother them about their problems also affecting me" and any positive emotion is immediately "someone has it worse so I should feel bad for them" or "I'm being weird, no one else is this excited about this"
I had/have some of the exact same self-talk! It goes back to my childhood when my dad, who is so SeNsItIvE, could only see his feelings and other people's (incomprehensible) behaviour. So I learned to only see other people's feelings and my own behaviour... so [until the abusive arsehole in 2016, after which i got into therapy] if someone treated me badly I'd consider that they were probably stressed and what they're going through in their life and how maybe their communication style is a bit different than mine and I'm making a big deal over something that probably isn't even intentional... meanwhile also having social anxiety that somehow I'm giving off unintentional vibes that hurt other people or something. Total double standard.
It never even occurred to me that it even _mattered_ if someone else's problems were affecting me. Being proud of myself or being told that someone was proud of me came under the heading of "if we say anything it will give you a swelled head" or worse, unspoken, "so what?"
It was only after I left that I realized I was getting mixed messages from my ex based on how what I did affected him.
I still struggle with applying the words "proud of myself" without the tag of bragging.
"Stop yelling!" "I'm not yelling, we are having a discussion!"
um... did our parents get that from somewhere or are you me
Aaaah, for us growing up it was always, "Please stop yelling!" "I'm not yelling! YOU'LL KNOW WHEN I'M YELLING!!"
Thanks for sharing. This struck a chord for me. I used the word yelling to describe the more severe tone of the adult in my life to her once. Maybe the voice wasn't raised much (or it was and I just allowed the moment to be changed according to her) but she was so quick to tell me she wasn't yelling. Still don't know if I was having struggles to communicate clearly (as I often do) or if she was just defending herself and trying to dictate her image to me. Regardless, I remember that the tone was definitely not in the usual range. Maybe she wasn't technically yelling, but there was some kind of admonishment and anger/upset from her in her big authority role.
@@katherinenicholson9752 I would describe that as hypervigilance. We had to pick up on very slight changes in tonality from our parents to protect ourselves. What others might read as a very slight change, seemed extremely obvious to us as kids. We could pick up on that change in an instant, because we were conditioned to know what comes next. I still can, as an adult. Additionally, the abusers can operate under the guise of "just having a discussion," or, "not yelling," while still stirring up an emotional reaction from you by using very slight changes in tone or speech patterns. There's a science behind it.. that unfortunately many of us are very familiar with.
OMG! That was the theme of my life before leaving home… Now as an adult a see the dysfunctionality of this😕 Yet I tend to repeat that same pattern in relationships and parenting style. Painfully aware, but seemingly unable to change😢😞
I have recently discovered that I am a childhood trauma survivor. I tried today to explain to my mother and just have a conversation with her regarding what bothered me and what got me to being so stuck in low self care, low self-esteem, self gaslighting... and her responses were : You are so stuck on the past! (This is actually the first time I ever brought these things up)
"Don't go crazy all of a sudden! It will not be ok."
I just looked at her and realized I had nothing to say. It was not worth my attempt. I know I am not the result of her own trauma.
I don't hate her at all. I just know she is not capable of bringing stuff up and talking about both being victims of our parents. So I am ok without it.
I experience resistance to finishing my book and actually publishing it. Anxiety, fear, paralysing fear. ..
All I know is we all deserved so much better, but at least now we can give better to ourselves. The disrespect of a small developing human by a dysfunctional adult in charge is maddening. This is so important to process. Thank you once again, Patrick!
Truth
Ditto
nah imma kms this is too much
You're so right. I never heard it phrased that way.
There's no way for me to leave. There's no saving me or give myself a better me. But yes, those who can escape, i'm genuinely happy for them.
Fella you should be given a medal. These videos have given me the insight that I am not the only one who has experienced a rotten crotch childhood. Those memories still come up to haunt me, but I say to myself that they have no more power over me. I have been retired a little over twelve years now and enjoying the most of it.
I know there is a lot of people who do not believe in inner child, but I do. Mine is taking care of this 76 year old man.
So proud of you!!U da man!!
It's never to late to try for happiness, I hope you have a great retirement.
61 year old female finally meeting her damaged inner child. I am thankful for my therapist and our weekly meetings and the work she has helped me accomplish so far.
I'm stealing "rotten crotch" from you. Thank you for this eternal gift 😂
I'm so proud of you❤
All my childhood I've been told I'm "too sensitive" and "other people have it worse". And if I brought any issue to my mom, she would get angry at me because "there's nothing I can help you with", as if that's what I was asking for. My dad told me I suck at singing lessons after one month. He also said I suck at guitar, to later come into my room, after 6 months, telling me how great I am and how I "surpassed him". I still can't do music anymore - everytime I try, I hear his voice in my head, his first words. Thank you for this video, I had no one to say it to me when I needed it.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was told I was "too high strung" and to "always be grateful". I was a very very very sick child (legitimately chronically physically ill) so it probably saved my life (literally) but also took me years to recover from not ALWAYS looking at the bright side. I've learned through therapy that there's room for ALL the emotions. Anyway, your story touched me and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I hope you can find courage and healing. You deserve that.
@@sarahdoanpeace3623 Thank you so much, Sarah. What I shared is 1% of my story, it's way worse than that but it means a lot that it touched you and thank you for your message. :) I'm working on it everyday and sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't. Wishing you the same - courage and healing. That's all we all need, really.
@@emeraldxtouch you're most welcome. If you can find even more courage to share it on a greater level, please do. It's inspiring and helpful. It could help others. Sending love and healing.
Curious to know, why do you think his later praise didn’t reverse the shaming from a few months prior?
Thank you for sharing, you brought tears to my eyes.
How I gaslight myself while doing the journal prompts:
“We have the right to our truth about the issue. We have the right to how we see things”
Me “doesn’t that mean our abuser has the right to how they perceive their reality of the situation since their behaviors are also molded from unresolved childhood trauma?”
I always go back to either being devils advocate or letting my empathy toward others hinder this process.
Yes, they can think whatever they want, just don't allow it to be at your expense. If we always look to them first in trying to be compassionate, kind, understanding, then who are we neglecting? Abusers do not have the right to put their toxic reality and behaviour on other's and we do not have tolerate it.
@@annemurphy8074 We can do both. We can have empathy while still saying NO and drawing the line where it needs to be drawn.
Aaaaaah relatable. The thing is, it’s more than just the right to know our truth: it’s our right to _assert_ that truth as well. And the abusers have been doing that their whole lives, while we never got to. You’re not taking their truth away from them by asserting your own. You’re simply offering another perspective, one that’s never had the chance to be heard. We all have the right to be listened to, and the abusers have been listened to PLENTY. It’s your turn now. You deserve it.
Oh my godd exactly this 😩
SAME
This makes so much sense. I'm the indebted child. Barely tolerated.
I feel it deep in my bones.
I’m the indebted child UGH I’ve given so much of my time to my family ; caretaker/scapegoat. I don’t get basic respect or even honesty. My intuition tells me this garbage has gone on long enough.
Same here. I always wondered why no one liked me in the family. I was just tolerated, abused and emotionally manipulated. What a waste of a childhood.
@@realhealing7802
The thing was my mom didn't always treat me that way. It wasn't until I was old enough to have my own voice that the script was flipped. While i was a baby i was golden. For her, the babies were always golden. My siblings didn't make me feel that way. But your parents telling you that you're never going to amount to anything is enough to mess you up.
@@realhealing7802 They were so sick and harmful to us but we survived somehow.We did the best we could at the time.We are going to stop second guessing ourselves, We still have today !
I realize now I need to interfere when Possible if I hear or witness this kind of pour behaviour in others or when someone directs this kind of bad behaviour toward anyone. I have problem but I am working on boundaries too. I hate when people are mean to others. Maybe that's off topic a little. I think this would be a good topic being over protective.
I love that you said to thank your younger self for trying it’s best to survive in those times, even though it meant going along with dysfunction and abuse.
Yeah, that part.
I remember one morning I got up late for school, this was actually very common because I was bullied and didn't like going to school, I would get anxiety over it and couldn't sleep. My mother was very angry as usual and so on the way to school she was driving like a maniac. This little girl was playing with her dog in the street. My mother hit the dog killing it, the girl was screaming and my mother looked at me and said "See what you made do!". This is just one example of many of being gaslit.
I wish you could be my therapist, I've tried getting help but good therapists are hard to find.
Thank you for this video🙂
Horrible.
That is beyond horrifying behavior on her part. So sorry that you’re having to deal with her outright criminal behavior.
Oh my god, that’s absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry you (and that poor girl!) went through that. Im sure you already know, but in case no one’s said it plainly to you: this obviously wasn’t in any way your fault ❤️🩹
OMG, I'm so sorry that it happend to you, god, this is horrifying behaviour
Thank you everyone for the comments. I 've always been the scapegoat of my family. Even now when I bring up this story to my mother, she still refuses to accept any responsibility for her part in this. There so much to tell, like blaming me for her divorce and listening to her have sex with someone I couldn't stand. Many of these memories still haunt me even at 47 years old.
I can't wait until my life is over...I'm so lonely
Is it possible that the lack of memories I have from childhood isn't from sexual abuse or trauma but instead stems from being so hyper focused on my dads rage and WHEN it would come out again that I wasn't fully focused on my own life and IN my body, if that makes sense?
My last abusive marriage was like this. 14 years of being an observer of my own life instead of actually LIVING it in the present. So incredibly strange.
Happy to say that I'm finally IN my body presently, living IN the present, healthy, happy and at peace ♥️🙏🏻
It is possible. Well done on your healing!
❤❤👏👏
Same here.
Witnessing your dads rage IS TRAUMA. I was watching one of these videos and the moment I really understood I had trauma issues from my childhood it felt like my face was melting . Strap in sister, this ride gets pretty bumpy. I have big memory issues too. Not gaps…almost no memory of childhood
Wow. Thank you for that comment.. I was wondering why I don't remember much of my childhood and there wasn't a lot of physical abuse.. It was just that we were hypervigilant of our mother's high anxiety levels And what resulted from that. Damn! Such a blessing that I saw your comment because i'm loving all these revelations.❤
So happy for you🎉
This is so helpful. I really struggle with gaslighting myself and second guessing myself.
Going No Contact with my immediate family was really the beginning of healing my trauma.
I realize that being alone gives me the motivation to unlearn the dysfunctional patterns. It's really layers and layers of dysfunctional patterns that keeps one stuck.
Absolutely!! Going no contact is the only way to go. Good for you💛 let's heal
Thank you Patrick! You are the best
ALL OF THIS!!!!!! 🙌🏻
Keep up the good work girl!!
Same
I find that I really struggle with answering direct questions about what I think, what is my opinion, how do I think this situation should be resolved, etc. My answers are almost always what I believe the other person is looking for. I’m just now at 49 years old realizing I’ve been doing this my whole life. And when I go to say what I actually “think” it’s so scary, it sometimes makes me cry because I’m so afraid of being “wrong” or having the other person dismiss me. I have so much work to do in this area. Thank you for this video, it’s really helped.
I completely understand. When I was 19, my friend went away with her boyfriend for the weekend. My mother asked me what I though about this. I asked my mom if she wanted the answer she wanted to hear or what I thought (I was so bold LOL). My mom said, What I thought. I told her, Yes, I would go on vacation with him. She then spouted off about why I shouldn't do that, the religious ramifications (I was not religious) etc. She then asked me why I would go on vacation with an unmarried man. My elderly aunt was over at the time and replied for me - It's better than going away with a married one. I died laughing and went over to give her a big hug. Starting the healing journey.
This resonates with me too, Jeni.
Every time I got bullied, don't want to go to school because it's scary and painful. Parents: What did YOU do provoke them? You must have done something. You must deserve it in some way. Lesson I learned: never ask parents for help or support or comfort.
I totally feel you! I couldn't go to my parents for support because one way or another a fight would happen. Either me and that parent or my parents would be fighting each other.
@Barbara Right? and then tiny you is thinking like " what fight? a kid older and bigger than me is terrorizing me, I'm not fighting them!" But you don't say it and you learn this myth that you are somehow responsible for other people's actions as well as your own. I always wondered, if I have such great powers that I can "make" people do bad things, why can't I make them do nice things? But apparently our 'magic' powers don't work like that. Only the bad things other people do are our fault. eff that!
♥️
@Barbara something like... merely existing. The audacity! /sarcasm
We are set up to be bullied. We don’t recognize the pre-bullying micro aggressions for what they are because they feel normal to us. For the bullies, micro aggressions are how they test the waters to see how far they can go. The anti-bullying programs at schools focus on stopping the bullies instead of teaching the victims how not to be victims. As a victim, being forced by my mother to go into a dangerous place where I was not allowed to defend myself was the ultimate betrayal. How can you learn algebra with water dripping from your hair after you’ve had a swirly?
The hospital was great illustration of this tipping point basically “babies are going to go uncared for…” “your colleagues will be short staffed and completely overwhelmed…”
The best one ☝️ always-“it won’t be safe if you don’t help out (work extra or longer shifts).” Intensive care shifts.
@@llkellenbayes. I’m out of nursing because since I’ve had therapy, hospital culture is now toxic. I just want to be left alone to be in nature, to enjoy peace and quiet and just be.
We see you disliking this video, Eric. We're onto your shenanigans, now give this man his walkman back!
I miss Walkmans!
This is something I struggle with a lot. First I react too hard, then I gaslight myself into being too forgiving and making their behaviour my fault.
Same. It drives me crazy. I just posted a comment hoping Patrick will make a follow up video about that.
A very powerful video! I also found I developed toxic positivity to deal with being let down by my family system. I'm learning to allow myself to say: "This is unfair and/or sh*tty. I'm allowed to be upset and have these feelings without shaming myself from not being "strong enough" or "getting over it" like my mother used to do". I allow myself to be upset and present with that, then begin a healing process. This has helped me release so much trapped negativity and bad energy.
I somehow never realized it before but toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting. Huh.
@@annetteprice It most definitely is! The most strange form, because you think you are trying to see the best in things, but you are actually suppressing natural and normal feelings in the process!
@@PurplePinkRed I have a special needs child, and I've gotten better about saying I'm not okay, even to people who don't need to hear it. It's helped.
♥️ been there.
There is a lot of wisdom to that. "Trapped" negativity and bad energy is so debilitating. It's okay to be angry. But also we have to take a step forward, or that anger can trap us too. I dont' want to wallow or lament for long. I think these videos are so helpful because it shows us ways to move forward.
the affirmations of “we can tolerate being misunderstood” bc it’s no longer unsafe rlly got to me, thank you. being misunderstood is a big trigger for me for many reasons that i can think of 😅 i knew why i didn’t like it and why it set me off, but this feels like the first time it’s been pointed out to me in this way.
My brain, whenever an emotional vampire latches onto me: "Well, THEY like me, so this is a good friendship, right? It's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them. Sure, they can be a little annoying, but I can be annoying too! I'm no prize! Who am I to judge anybody? They're not a BAD person. They had a rough childhood. It doesn't cost me anything to spend time with them and listen to them and support them, especially if it means so much to them! If I can't look past other people's faults, how can I expect anyone to put up with mine? I really should be grateful that anybody likes me and wants to spend time with me. This is a very positive relationship."
My dad: *is a soul-sucking covert narc*
My mom: *see above*
Hooooooooly fuck, that could be an excerpt straight from my brain. Good god lmfao. Thank you for sharing. Helps a lot to see it written out like that by someone who isn’t me.
"The right to a process, not perfection" is something that I wish I was allowed more of. Trying to navigate a world where you are neurodivergent and also be told "not everything is gonna be handed to you/you'd be fired for that mistake" creates so much shame in your existence. It's like you can never have issues and must embrace being perfect. Growing up and being told that I'm "contrarian for the sake of being contrarian" really fucks with your ability of self expression, because you literally cannot attempt to make any changes without it being held against you at a certain point. And then when you've decided to be more expressive, you are gaslit on that where you get told "you never showed indication of interest in this, so why now?"
Oh fuck, that last sentence. Wow
“Contrarian for the sake of being contrarian”- whew that hit. Well within the flavor of “you only like/say/do that because you just want to be annoying/different”. You try and step out of the box they make and get shoved right back in. I feel for you. I hope you get to a place where you can let yourself enjoy the journey- the end result, or the destination, isn’t nearly so important as the part where you learn, screw up, grow, and explore.
Restaurants are like a toxic family 😅 Yep! Worked in them for 20 years.
Can completely relate to your situation.
Most workplaces are like toxic families.
Seriously grateful for these comments, also to Patrick for saying it like it is, kinda. Not to get twisted out of shape, but broken people do aggregate into broken systems.
Retail as well.
“Restaurants are a lot like toxic family systems.” Once again, floored at your insight! SO TRUE!
Hospitals are the same way.
They attract traumatised people. Who else is okay with having a fucked up sleep schedule, not having a consistent schedule, getting verbally abused under intense pressure, knowingly doing things which hurt us more? Traumatised people. Problem is what other industry do we go to without an education and make the money we do? And restaurants know that that’s how they suck you in.
I tried to explain this to my last therapist because I really needed help to know how to fight this. I felt so insecure, I still do and she just said to me “you don’t need anyone” and it made me feel insane.
I’m tired of explaining this experience of reality and being classified as needy, codependent and lazy. I just need help, not to be judged for asking it.
There are a LOT of bad therapists out there. Many psychiatrists and therapists go into that field to fix their own problems. So, you have mentally ill people trying to fix themselves through other mentally ill people. How ridiculous, right?
@@teresamanuszak4183 It's not ridiculous at all, its the only way it makes sense. When I want to lose weight and learn how to keep it off for good, I consult with a fitness specialist who has "been there done that". You don't learn sh*t about living a healthy lifestyle from someone who was born with a fast metabolism and didn't have to work for it. I think your comment is a reflection of your own insecurity, feeling the need to tear others down just to make yourself feel better.
@Barbara Because Patrick's videos are helping me, I'm not even going into explaining why your mess comment is unnecessary. Bye
@@athens31415 ok, so I am trying not to "overexplain", but it appears that my comment is being misconstrued. (1) I was trying to support the original comment, being that I have had similar experiences. (2) I personally have had specific instances of unprofessionalism from therapists, psychiatrists, etc etc over the span of 20 years, since I left my abusive family. I have gotten worse because of their incompetence. (3) These SPECIFIC examples include-A- Hearing more about my therapist's problems than them helping me with my own. B- After having everyone focus on my OCD (which I do have), I presented that I need work in CPTSD to a psychiatrist. I was told by the psychiatrist "ONly Veterans get PTSD". I ended up enraged after going through years of ridiculousness, walking out of the lobby screaming about this. It was at that point I realized I needed to give up for awhile, and since have mainly done videos. C- The therapist at that time GHOSTEd me, as in would cancel 15 minutes before sessions once a week. She also would disappear for a week or two with no text, email, or phone call. I looked up her reviews recently, and I see SEVERAL people saying the same thing. Further, any time I mentioned anything, she would ramble about her divorce, the psycho ex husband, how she had to go to court, how she just spent two hours arguing with insurance on another patient, etc. D- I have been misdiagnosed for 20 years on either bipolar instead of OCD, because Bipolar is the hot diagnosis. Everyone is bipolar because everyone needs to pay for bipolar meds. My symptoms are textbook CPTSD and OCD, period. I have had to argue and debate, and I finally am getting better from self diagnosis. ******I could go on and on and on about 30 years of mishaps, but nobody wants to hear it. And now I just wrote more than I should have because people can't figure out what I was trying to say, and I shouldn't have to defend myself because NOBDOY KNOWS WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. ANd that one of you that said "THere aren't LOTS of bad therapists", excuse me have you gone around and investigated all of the patients and therapists across the country to be able to BOLDY DECLARE THIS? No, you haven't. I as a patient have been friends with people ABUSED by tehrapists, I could write ten books on examples of this. NOW GO AWAY!
@Barbara Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful response. Take care.
When you said the thing about the world barely tolerating you, I burst into because that's exactly my feeling. Thank you
YES! This is why I isolate myself, I feel like a pain most of the time or at least just tolerated.
@maryanne1830 🫶🏼 me too
I felt totally indebted to my toxic family. I was barely tolerated so I never hardly asked for anything. I was gaslighted constantly and told I was selfish. It was a nightmare growing up in that toxic family.
Yes, me too. It's a terrible feeling I carry inside of myself and can't get rid off. I always feel so wrong! As if I am a terribly wrong person all the time.
@@jenaya_laila2442 you’re not wrong it’s them... think about, it why does family want you indebted? At least in my case They were content not facing any responsibilities and having Cinderella do everything quietly. As soon as I spoke up I was guilted and shamed and made even more invisible. So bye bye!
Unless they want to be real.
I need healthy authentic communication to survive.
my parents bought me a shirt as a kid that said "spoiled" on it but i was terrified of asking for anything if one of my siblings hadn't asked and been granted it first. shits fucked up
My father denied that he had terminal bone cancer until 3 days before he died and then was on heavy pain meds. He was the denial king. It didnt really happen.
1:37 “shame nest” that’s a great way to describe it….addressing a parents bad behavior then have them “flip the script” and make YOU feel bad for even bringing it up.🤦🏽♀️
Wow. It took me an hour to watch this 20 minutes video because I wrote down all the exercises and my brain kept shutting down so I couldn't remember what I'd just heard. It's sooo painful but it makes so much sense. I was looking into a painting class and have been gaslighting myself out of signing up for it... Was going to do that until it was too late to register and then I would berate myself for not signing up. I'm so awful to myself, it's shocking when I do these exercises and admit it. Thank you for these videos.
for real
Thank you for sharing that, now I don't feel so stupid for taking soo long to watch a 20 min video. I beat myself up about it.
Yeah I have to keep pausing and taking breaks. I just keep randomly tearing up.
Is there a correlation with zoning out and childhood trauma??
@@pizzianinja dissociation babes
My spouse once said to me " i don't know where you got the idea your job is more important than your well being." At the time I just thought he didn't understand a " real" work ethic. Now I get it.
When I was a teenager, I went to Lechemere to buy an alarm clock. I plugged them all in (the shelf had outlets in the store), set the alarm for all of them, and chose the one that I liked best. In college, I melted a rainbow crayon over it. I still have it, decades later. That was a time when I knew exactly what I wanted and trusted myself. I loved that. In the past couple of weeks I have realized that it is very pressing that I find my intuition and my own preferences/perception again. This video helps so much. I didn't realize that's what I've been doing (gaslighting myself), but it is. Thank you, Patrick, for your work and for this video especially. I feel like this insight is much needed. And I am sorry about your walkman.
That’s a really cool example of knowing what you want and feeling connected to your intuition 🙂 I like how it was a practical device mixed with a creative way to choose it and decorate it
@@Fritz1105 🤣 YES I want one.
II
In-house iii
Judi
@@Fritz1105 It did when I was a kid in the 90s. I remember there boxes of them.
@@sadie9386 OMG 😱 Me too... I didn't sample makeup. But I got/get that same feeling.
Me watching this, still going in my head: "It wasn't that bad, I'm just sensitive", while also crying at the words, hee ho.
Luckily, working with a therapist on this, just starting to dig into this realm.
Thank you for your videos.
That’s my number one way of gaslighting myself! I ALWAYS feel the need to minimize my experiences in order to either: stick up for the abuser/s or to justify their behavior as to why I deserved that or how I was in the wrong or invading my feelings because of my perception based on the fact that I was lucky and it could have been worse so why am I complaining instead of being relieved? *“Well it wasn’t as bad as… so I guess I was lucky” *“At least they didn’t… so I should feel grateful I was protected from…” *“Even though (fill in the blank occurred)... this didn’t happen… so I shouldn’t feel...” *“I shouldn’t feel xyz because my situation wasn’t as horrific & others are more worthy to acknowledge they were a victim of abuse because ‘technically’ it wasn’t that abusive compared to…”
There was many, many times my brother, sister, and I were shamed by our parents into overlooking the abuses we endured by others because our parents were more concerned about fitting in, being friends, and being non-confrontational with the parents of the kids that were bullying us, hurting, and stealing from us. One incident (out of many and certainly not the worst but it fits in with your video narrative) was my sister and I had one Barbie doll each. The neighbor girl was an extremely spoiled thief that had 4 or 5 of everything but it was never enough. Our very talented great aunt made one-of-a-kind Barbie doll clothes for our dolls. They were beautiful and we cherished them. The spoiled neighbor girl wasn't having any of that and stole not only the clothes but our dolls! We know she did this because we found them in her house. Our mother told us to stop crying and not make a scene while we, as 5 and 6 year-olds felt like our hearts were being ripped out. The thief played with our stolen things in front of us and we were never allowed to complain.
God, that's awful, literally torture. I genuinely can't understand how people can't even have a minimal sense of justice? That was basic... I hate so much when adult people don't believe in children.
Sorry that happened to you. My mother gave my clothes away to my friend who had more clothes than me and I had a serious lack of clothes.
Sorry that happened to you. My mother gave my clothes away to my friend who had more clothes than me and I had a serious lack of clothes.
@@SophiesWorld2024 that's terrible and unfair.
bruh. dolls . plastic. there is more to buy
I had no idea being told I was very sensitive was gaslighting. I’ve been told my whole life I’m very sensitive. Too sensitive.
"Gaslighting isn't real. You made it up because you're freaking crazy!" In all seriousness, thank you so much for these wonderful videos. They provide a completely new perspective ony childhood. 💖
I never got to say “no” growing up. My parents thought everything a child said in disagreement with them was disrespectful. If you said “but mom”, that was met with a slap or harsh punishment. I had no voice until I moved out of their home at 18. It took me years and I still have problems with speaking up. I’ve literally been gaslit most of my existence. Sad but true. Thanks again Patrick for validating me.
Always feeling like I'm a burden. Spot on! Thank you so much. I feel less crazier & less alone after watching this video 🙂
My go to:
Pick your battles, don't worry about it.
Of coarse I use this when dealing with my husband
The interesting part of the child who parents is that at least in my experience even though I feel responsible for everyone I absolutely hate the fact that I feel that way. I mean what’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they take care of themselves?
I still get triggered by this - especially in romantic relationships where I feel I am being asked to do something that is the other person’s responsibility not mine. In ways that I feel “icky” rather than healthy helping. Then, of course, I am told that I am selfish.
@@happylindsay4475 “Icky” and “disgust” are words/labels that really help me describe those kind of situations, so thanks for that :D The only way to describe it before this was something along the lines of “a discrepancy between the situation outside and the feeling/intuition signaling me from the inside” which made me feel shame for giving in and doing what the other person demanded when I knew something was seriously off.
They would always say “just do it,” or “just let it go,” while telling me that I was being dramatic/selfish. I was like, how am I supposed to “just go along with it” when I felt REPULSED by the mere thought of it? Yup, wayyyy icky.
Agreed, I also kept wondering why no one was really responsible (mental and emotional development) for me. I’ve been stuck at “when’s it my turn to be taken care of?” but now I guess I just have to do it myself like all along. These videos have been maybe the most blessed thing I’ve come across.
@@bubbiccino God, thank you so much for this. Really resonates a lot
A million times this.
Thank you so much, because you have just validated an employment decision I made a couple of years ago. I was expected to schedule so that I was doing non-billable time outside of office hours. When I refused, the owner and lead clinician tried to shame me into it. For the first time in my life, I stuck up for myself and lost the job. I know I was right, but I've felt guilty for losing a job because I was "uncooperative." You've made it clear that not only was it okay, it was important for me to do it. Thank you!
"indebted vibe" - yes, totally understand this point, unfortunately. I felt like a burden, an inconvenience, and that made me think "what's wrong with me?" a lot. I felt ashamed for asking for pretty much anything. I felt wrong all the time, regardless of what I chose. Asking my family for guidance or help just led to a bunch of confusion and irritation because they'd toss out disaster scenarios (negative what ifs) for whichever situation. Omg...yes, I can see why I second guessed myself for so long! Just being aware of that fact has helped, and I don't do it near as much anymore. Your videos are part of my ongoing healing; they help me to flashback and release more. Thank you, great topic and examples! 💕
Amen to that
Yes I see all this in myself... my mom is an enabler flying monkey prob a vul.narc and propped up all my n fathers bad behaviours and everything was very cold emotionally. I knew early doors (and didn't work as anything set n.father off) to do everything 'right', this was compounded then by being neglected and gaslighting and allowed to be scapegoated by mom. What's totally the crusher is that mom now tells me I'm incapable mentally ill and can't decide on things. Seriously! do these people not understand what it means to parent a child... I know the answer already BUT I've felt like this all my life and been painted defective I cannot comprehend it and this from insecure people who went out of their way to hold me down and back and cause thself doubt in the first place! They don't and won't ever get it either it's much easier to blame us project on us.. A very hard pill to swallow 🙏🙏🙋
@@bereal6590 the hardest thing for me is people who've abused or unfriended me, their lives are better than mine, I've gone through hunger, unemployment and homelessness, yet, they've never known any of this, even family that were born after have disowned me, sorry, but I'm at the point were I wish I had never been born.
@@justelleslife507 They're not more deserving of better outcomes or morally superior to you. Just have a different life trajectory from you.
Keep walking - your path has meaning and value.
You have unique value and love.
I was adopted by my narcissistic aunt into her cult family. I had been living alone (ignored) by my alcoholic father for three years, after my mom died when I was ten. Indebted, that's all I got was I should be grateful for torment because they took me in. Here, be our slave, you'll never be good enough to be us and you get to hear it every day, but be grateful for it because we took you under our roof. Yeah, I still struggle 20 years later, but I am doing a lot of work on healing now.
As a kid I was bounced from house to house. As if that instability wasn't bad enough, I remember seeing a letter my elder sister had written to my mother. "Dear mom, I'm sorry to burden you with Nessa." Yeah that did a number on me. Toll date I hate having to ask for help or accept things from people for this reason. I always have to pay back and do what I perceive to be more than they did for me so they can't think of me as a burden. Working through it though.
I found out I have ADHD a few months ago, along with _apparentely_ severe high functioning depression and anxiety.
Ever since I can remember every single tiny mistake I made or every recuring mishap that happened to me as a result having *heavy* attention issues and terrible memory were ALWAYS my blame and fault completely, and there was no other path to redemption/appeasement of those upset with my behavior (parents, teachers, peers, etc) except to just not make those mistakes anymore, which is impossible, just like it is impossible for a blind child to just start seeing because you're upset he tripped over a chair the third time this week at school.
Every single -FUCKING- day was just me failing, every day I was shamed and ashamed that people had to put up with how incompetent I was. I was even castigated for messing up again one too many times, I just felt like the stupidest, dumbest, idiot that ever walked the earth, I felt like such an -asshole- everyday atleast a little bit. I would try to plead not guilty sometimes but evidently the ENTIRE world had a better assesment of my condition and I was obviously dilusional to think I needed help. I couldn't tell if I was going crazy or just had terribly low IQ, and I ended up believing both, like _actually believing that_ (the sky is blue, water is wet, I am dumb)
I'm 20 now and Im having such a hard time releasing the belief that it IS my fault, always, and I HAVE to "just do better". To forgive myself feels so immoral and incorrect and irresponsible. I have also become completely unable to tell when I am trying my hardest, I always feel like I could have done better even though in the moment I couldn't give a better effort. I feel incompetent. I'm afraid of challenge. How am I ever gonna be a husband, with a stable career and income, how?! How could I be a good dad some day? How could that possibly ever happen, its gotta be mathematically impossible.
I love my parents and they did great parenting compared to *their* parents, but they really messed me up royally on this one
.
.
.
EDIT: Dammit I wrote too much again. If u read this it's probly because u have a similar situation. I hope my comment put the words in your mouth for you in some way. And just to let you know, I hear some people say _there IS hope_ so I guess you and I have something to search for now, rather than wallow in this mess. Have a mice day.
I am teary over what you wrote..so much pain and suffering...while I can do nothing directly to help you my prayers and positive thoughts are with you that you find a mentor to help you work through the issues so that you realize your value and can become the person you wish to be..Debbie
@@deborahedelman2659 Thank you.
I NEVER write this much on youtube cuz nobody reads, I was actually in a goofy mood when I typed it out. I hope you as well find help and strength to walk a more straight path in your leel day 2 day life. . . .
I can relate. I feel like a failure too. Like why is it so hard for me to do the things everyone else does all the time? So every day I push myself and try my hardest and then only achieve about half of what I set out to do.
But don't worry, you can definitely become a husband and a dad one day. My significant other feels the same way and I suspect he has ADHD or something along those lines. And because I understand what it feels like, I don't judge him for things others do. I can put myself in his shoes and totally get it. He is the best dad ever and I do have a reference to compare to. Hahaha
You can do this! Maybe finding the right medication will help. I keep reading people saying finding the right one is like putting on your glasses for the first time. Would be nice for everything not to be so exhausting and difficult all the time!
@@sallyjane8274 Thank you Sally
@@ughimtired6439
I tend to have intrusive thoughts of every screwup I've ever committed...the fcukup hit parade. It actually seems to be an anxiety feature. So if I can learn how to calm the anxiety through conscious relaxation? I may get less of it.
It's a crappy thing, but I'm kind of relieved to see someone else who deals with it. Best wishes, thanks for posting.
I finally put my foot down with my mom, I trusted my intuition and said no. Needless to say, we aren’t speaking now. And Im now gaslighting myself… I’m just being selfish, it wasn’t that bad, I’m such an ungrateful brat and I need to fix this now. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who reminds me when I’m deep into those thoughts, that they aren’t true. I have a great therapist ive recently started seeing who’s helping me heal my inner child. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, for sharing tools to help us recover. You are a remarkable human doing remarkable work.
You’re doing your mom a favor. I finally learned about co-dependence and how much projection was going on. I believe that setting clear boundaries with my mom is helping her heal, encouraging her to set boundaries and leaving no ambiguity about what is acceptable. Your mom may even been proud of you deep down, even if she attempts to gaslight you. Take it off both of your plates. No needs no explanation.
The best thing I ever did for myself was, at age 45, to tell my mother that we would only communicate via letter, because my therapist said so. I would get anxiety attacks whenever I spoke to her on the phone. (Thankfully my husband was in the military and we lived hundreds of miles away from her. No, she never wrote.) When she died a few years ago, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" and did not go to her funeral. Yes, I still have work to do because I still have a lot of anger.
This was done to me my whole life by my family. I'm at the point of not being able to tolerate this type of behavior. For the last ten years I've had very little contact with any of them with the exception of my mother, and even that is pretty minimal. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He literally saved my life. I love the phrase " normal reaction to an abnormal situation". When I told my therapist that same thing, she just gave me a blank stare. Needless to say, I don't see her anymore. Thank you for the great video! Very re-enforcing! 🙏🙌
Sometimes coaches are better than therapists. The ‘And how does that make you feel’ lasted for awhile to make my feelings validated, then got boring and somewhat empty. I needed goals-especially solutions, and a way to deal with my reactions. I find Caroline Leafs work helpful at this point. She has some good books and ideas..
@@thistree9028 I will definitely look into Caroline Leaf. I have never heard of her. I get what you mean about the "And how does that make you feel'. I don't remember hearing the term narcissistic abuse until recently. I think most therapists don't even know what it is. It helps when the person helping you has had the same types of experiences, otherwise how can they help. Sometimes a re-victimization can happen from the therapist and they are not even aware that they are doing it. I have had that happen to me, and I find that coaches are much better.
@@ancientmuse7297 Yeah, we are pioneers in the narcissism experience. No one should be are Gurus, but developing thinking skills can help a lot in wading through the quagmire..There’s good info- not so much at times, out there. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I’m going to sleep now…
Entirely up to you if you ever want to return to therapy, but good therapist can be really hard to find… too many people walk around with the credentials but actually does more harm than good… I know this from personal experience as well as studying to be a counselor now.
it took years and many doctors and therapists to find someone that actually helped me, there's good professionals out there, but they are hard to find. My last therapist changed my life, and im so grateful, the more the time passes the more i think i should have paid him more, the value of what i got increases.
over time. But yeah, i had lot's of years and money wasted on people that didn't really care about me. One of them literally said to me "i don't get you" and i was there so unable to react, i felt hopeless, if a psychologist couldn't get me i was doomed. But that's not true, im nothing special, she just sucks at her job.
Taking notes for myself :)
Reparent and connect with your inner child and ask the following (reflective) questions-
1. What would happen if you said no and disagreed growing up?
2. What would happen if you needed help from your parents about how to feel or think about something?
3. What would happen if you brought up, or wanted to bring up something that didn't feel right to you, or wasn't right for you?
4. What would happen if you go after something you wanted growing up? (e.g., trying out some after-school thing)
-to get a sense of WHAT THE FEARS ARE
Construct new beliefs for your inner child as a healthy parent
i) We now have right to a process, not immediate perfection
ii) We also have the right to how WE see things (which wasn't true growing up)
iii) We have the right to OUR truth about the issue
iv) We CAN tolerate being misunderstood and disagreements, but we COULDN'T growing up, because those weren't safe
The inner child believe in the abusive narratives and second guessing because they helped us survived in the abusive environment. It seemed necessary at the time but no longer works.
when I was graduating high school and confused about picking a college major, that's when I think the biggest gaslighting moment from my mom happened. I was an artistic kid since childhood, but I also happened to be good at science, while both my parents were doctors. For those two HS years when I was 16 and 17, my mom completely brainwashed me into believing that I didn't have the grit to do art for my career, and being a doctor was my only 'safe' option. I have this letter from her where she wrote down a LIST of things she claimed I would never achieve, and how only she is right about my needs and wants. I started believing it and second guessing my passion. Everyone who knew me at that point remembers me as somebody who genuinely wanted to be a doctor, that's how convinced I was. I studied to get into med school for two harrowing years that took a huge toll on my mental health to the point i would wish death upon myself everyday.
But somehow I got into design school and got a chance to build a career out of what I actually loved. But it took me years to unlearn that I didn't have what it takes, and stopping myself from seeking out opportunities. I'm still in the process of teaching myself that I'm not "unmotivated", and have managed to independently make a career out of art.
Looking back I understand that she wanted me to have a life which wasn't as risky, but her MO had completely ruined my self worth, which I'm still recovering from.
I had a similar experience with my father. He actually told me that if I pursued Music, that I would end up homeless on the street. That terrified me & he managed to convince me to study Math instead. I came to resent Math & now I want to get as far away from it as possible. I am back on track with MY dream of being a musician. I am not interested in being famous (I remember what happened to Michael Jackson 😢 & do NOT want that!) I just want to play & record my music. And NOT do anything with Math or computers.
I understand. My dad actually made me burn all the books that I had written, saying pursuing a career in writing was stupid dreaming/wishful thinking, etc and he even made me quit school, and tried to force me to take welding classes (I'm female. I hated the idea of being forced to learn welding! Consequently, I did "okay" at it, but wasn't happy). In my late 50s I finally enrolled in college for creative writing. My professors were ASTOUNDED by my "natural ability" and received offers to publish my books. I'm gaslighting myself to the point that even though I have FINISHED books sitting on my desk, I will not submit them to the publishers who offered to publish them... because I don't think I'm good enough. This video is helping me to come to terms with my life, and maybe I can work at it and follow my dreams... but I'm 60 now. I don't know if I can still do it 😕 🤔.
This describes my life. I only wanted to take art classes in high school, but my mom FORCED me to take advanced science and math. She was (and still is) convinced that only she knows what is best for me. She gets offended when I don't like the same tv shows as her. This caused me to stuff everything I am into a deep hole until at one point I actually could not remember what I loved to do. I remember hearing a relative of a friend talk about his career and how he loved it so much he would do it even if he weren't payed, and thinking 'gosh, I know I used to feel that way about something, but I can't remember what!"
Years later I'm still terrified to pursue what I really want because I'm afraid if I go for it and fail, I'll be proving her right. It's really inspiring to hear that you pursued design anyway and have been successful at it :)
@@BeRightBack131 Do it! I want to read your books :)
@@BeRightBack131 please try!
The worst part about trying to convince yourself your gaslighting yourself; is to find out that, once events unfold, you were right all along.....
I am always stunned by how well you know and explain me and my life experience. Even just hearing you speak the actuality of my childhood. My mother denied that I was even worthy of a right to my own thought process. She is 94 and I am 58, and it's still happening. Kids don't count (the seen and not heard thing). I was an immensely well-behaved child because I was always, and still seeking approval with EVERYTHING. And not getting it turns me into a frantic, panicked hot mess. I was raised as if adults knew everything, without question, and were always right. At 58, I'm still feeling very much like a child, and waiting anxiously for the sudden enlightenment of adulthood to be magically bestowed upon me. I don't think it ever occurred to me it was something I could work toward. But I'm chronically ill, and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep days away. The prospect of committing to all of the hard work to heal makes me want to curl up in a ball in a far corner of my closet. But whether I am able to do any of the work or not, it is SO deeply soothing to feel truly SEEN by you; to have identified to me exactly what was wrong with my situation - and not just what's wrong with me. My mother is the kind of person who didn't speak to me for four days in my early 20s for wearing white pantyhose to a family dinner. White pantyhose make your legs look fat, supposedly. Wow all of these horrible memories are bubbling up in my mind at a frantic pace, and I'm getting angry and resentful.
Thank you for your generosity. I'm not in a financial situation to contribute unfortunately, but I would absolutely love to. You are amazingly generous and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very meaningful person in my life.
You were blessed by God for four days in your 20ies
My heart bleeds for you. She sounds like mine was. I'm glad mine has gone. I never shed one tear. Look after yourself as best you can. You deserve peace. Lana xxx
Take the healing journey in little chunks and be patient with yourself. No worries. You’ll get there!
One of the most eye opening things that a friend of mine told me was: “would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or will only love you when it benefits them?”. It’s no wonder I felt like it was wrong to just be my own person and they would say I was “not on the same page” 😒
This is literally me right now and my situation. My mom was/still is abusive. She is also my boss currently. i help her run a very busy restaurant and she has parentified me my whole life, getting from me what she can’t from my dad. Any time i talk about leaving the restaurant she subtly gaslights me and i feel guilted into staying, i turn 30 in a few months and other than 1 year i have worked for them since my 16th birthday. I finally applied for the course i want to take tonight. Ive wanted it for so long but it was really hard to do this. I literally needed 4 different people to tell me to do it to hold my hand and tell me its gonna be ok. Ive been talking myself out of it all year and gaslighting myself to make sure my moms needs come before mine. She’ll never get it :(
Good for you!!! Proud of you! It takes a hell of a lot of strength to break away like that. You deserve this. Congrats!!
I really hope things worked out for you, i totally understand how it is as my mom was similer.
I’m e cited for you to start your new life! Congratulations!
Your mom needs to grow up. She can hire anyone to do what you do. She needs to let you live your own life (which she won’t). I can tell she wants you to work at the restaurant till you die.
But her goals and dreams are not yours. You get to have a chance at your own life. She has already stolen far too much of your life already.
Be guided by what makes you feel truly excited! Then you are following your passion and truth. The one God wants for you.
Sounds like it’s time to go no contact, as soon as you can
Even before you take the course.. go apply to other restaurants. Another restaurant will hire you in a heartbeat if you’ve been in the service industry for 14 years. You need to get AWAY from your abuser or you will never heal. You don’t have to go no contact right away but you need to not have your housing or or income tied to her. Even if that makes things more difficult or stressful the longer you’re working under her the harder it’s gonna be to leave. You can’t start healing until you get out of the toxic environment
This makes so much sense. My mom used to ask me why I did something or what I was thinking. After telling her, she would then say “no, this is why you did it.” My answers were never good enough or maybe they just didn't line up with how she felt. I really don't have much confidence in my own feelings or thoughts, and as an adult have to put logical thoughts into my feelings to validate them. I find that very hard to do a lot of the time. I think as a result I'm very slow to speak up for myself because the process of explaining to myself what happened in a situation and validating my feelings for myself and then being able to communicate that to others takes so long that most people see me as a pushover or meek.
I generally talk myself out of action-in-harmony-with-myself/perceptions and then tell myself "it's not that bad I can handle it" or "it's not that bad, it's probably not even happening" or "my friend would never do that because she's my friend"
Happened yesterday over something a friend said that felt really" off" to me but i told myself
Your personal stories are so powerful! "Normal reactions to abnormal situations" was very powerful!! Thank you
I’m definitely having the forever “indebted” vibe between my friendships…. Spot on again Patrick
I worry about this all the time!
Whenever I set a strong boundary with my mother, I feel guilty about it constantly. Even years later.
I went through so much of this. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived. I've been suicidal most of my life, living in extreme isolation, wrestling with flashbacks or disassociation.
Wow, wow, wow. I’m a 30 year old man, 6’2”, 225 lbs, and I’m wanting to ball my eyes out.😢 my life makes so much sense now. I’ve felt sick from shame and self doubt for so long, and hearing this takes a huge weight off my back, and helps me not feel sick to my stomach. But I also feel extremely pissed tf off about everyone gaslighting me, telling me I wrong for what I was feeling through out my life. Fing bs. I’m angry I listened to them and not myself.
Yes. I am left feeling like a burden to the world, so I overextend myself and have horrible perfectionism until it’s absolutely crippling. My mother constantly pointed out everything wrong with me, including being “too sensitive”. I haven’t cried since I was a child. I wish I could cry. It would be such a relief. Why can’t I cry??
As an adult, in an effort to extend an olive branch to my narc mother I suggested we have a fun road trip in a convertible. She kept talking about other people coming and when I asked why it couldn't be just the two of us she said, reluctantly, that sometimes I was "a bit much." I was stunned. I gave up.
That whole family is her family. Not mine. She's always right, I'm always ungrateful and wrong, and even at 52, it's the same. But since I started to say no, every single relationship fell apart to where I am not really even speaking to any of them except her. It's amazing how people reveal their true selves when you say no. It's like a cult and if you're not all in, you're all out.
😲 My mom did that so many times... To all of us. Even to my younger sisters that are 10 & 12 yrs younger than me. She never stopped the "I did not!" Or "I don't know what you are talking about." So now when my kids try to recollect something that happened with me, I feel really bad if I sincerely don't remember. But I will say "I'm really sorry I don't remember. But I believe you."
Like i've never been this seen ever! Right now i was about to link this vid to my best friends and my inner child went like: "You're exaggerating, stop victimizing yourself!! You don't need all that psychological knowledge, you're just wining right now" This is ridiculous how deeply rooted all of this is. Gaslighting myself even now
I cannot remember most of my childhood from a traumatic situation that happened to me. I believe I had a psychotic episode at 8 yrs old that my parents never got help for me. Eventually I got better but it changed me.They have gaslighted me since I can remember. Always denying what I feel and what has happened. Till this day I struggle with reality and perceptions. It is a conscious effort for me and it really is exhausting. I do have contact with my parents but it is minimal. The fact that I don't remember much makes me distrust them. I believe they don't want to admit to being poor parents.
During an argument I told my dad who was sick with cancer that “sometimes I wish I had cancer” and he replied “good, someday you will have it”
Emotional slap in the face, and he never apologized.
I have always felt I need to be as useful as possible or there is not need for me to be around. I was made to feel worthless if I didn't give of myself. I was so uncomfortable for year everywhere I went and always felt unwelcome and unwanted. Still anywhere I work I work so hard to prove I'm worth of being there. Watching your videos is really helpful in unleaning all the bad thoughts I've always carried. Thank you
My step father told me “if you ever tell your mother she’ll hate you because I love you more”.
I hate confrontation. If I do get up the courage to address an issue with someone, I always end up apologizing and explaining how I am wrong in my thinking and shouldn’t have said anything.
To your stepfather, "Gross" 🤢🤮
I'm sorry that you went through this.
I don't know if you are religious, but God will get him on Judgement Day and you will get your ultimate justice!
In the meantime sending hugs and prayers your way. 🙏💜
Is this how therapy is supposed to work? My past therapists/counselors have just not been as helpful as you are for free
I've also only had terrible therapy experiences so far. Mostly the therapists dumped their insecurities and problems on me instead of understanding me and trying to help me.
@@jenaya_laila2442 Same here. I get better help from these videos.
cognitive behavioral therapy is what you probably are looking for, before knowing about it i also felt professionals couldn't help me. needless to say i wasted a lot of money before looking for a specialized therapist.
@@TheMagicOwL127 It might be helpful for some but CBT was the problem for me personally not getting help in therapy. Need a trauma-informed therapist. One size doesn't fit all.
@@Jane-mb8jj yeah, you are right
As a teenager I always had to prove that I'm really sick and I'm not pretending. When I had a fever and a high temperature my mother was the best, she took care of me, let me skip school, made me soup and bought me chocolate.
When I had a headache or a stomachache, my life became hell. When I couldn't prove I'm unwell, she called me a liar, made me go to school even when I was crying from pain.
It happened often because my periods were very painful, but my mum didn't believe me, cause hers were not that bad and she thought I was just looking for an excuse to skip school and get extra attention.
Now I feel soo guilty when I get sick. I gaslight myself that it's actually alright, I should go to work, it's not that bad, I'm just lazy. It's so very hard to take care of my health now. My boyfriend basically makes me take the medicine and stay in bed, he takes me to hospital, cause I just can't go on my own. Thanks mum!
This was overwhelming for me. I was about to log off but I allowed myself to simulateously feel overwhelmed and continue to see why. And now I know it's a trigger which means most of my childhood was a gaslighting experience and will be discussing this with my therapist.
Great video, thank you. Areas I gaslight myself: feeling unable to judge what is reasonable and unreasonable - seeking other people's opinions because I think they must know better and that their feelings are valid. Massively second guessing myself after leaving relationships. Wanting my friends to talk me into staying in a relationship that feels wrong for me.
13:30 Holy crap that made me, like, SO ANGRY. Wow. I just... That kind of garbage parenting is why I believe there needs to be a licensing system in place for parenting. ARGH.
I'm so sorry you dealt with that.
It's like "I'll side with anyone but you, boy. Even if that guy did steal it, I'm pretty sure he deserves that walkman much better than you do. You should have been careful with your stuff."
I have said this so many times. We’re required to take a tea for the “privilege” to drive and will lose that privilege if we break the law, but anyone can bring life into the world with absolutely no training or instruction.
*test
Free parenting classes, instruction in schools about emotions and interpersonal relationships, financial support to parents, community support, ways for children to have more agency to escape abuse, and so forth versus tests that would be impractical to the level of impossibility as well as applied in biased ways
@@stillnotstill We could do both. Tests that are easy to pass if you're trying even moderately. I'm not demanding A+ parenting; this is about weeding out the people who aren't just crummy parents but toxic parents. Licensing and tests would come with increased funding and much more rigid requirements for foster care and community support for kids. But people who don't actively want kids should be dissuaded from having them, and requiring a license to keep your kid is part of that. Just throwing resources at people isn't enough; between bad actors using them maliciously and many bad parents not bothering at all, there needs to be some oversight and gatekeeping. Would it have problems with bias? Yes, absolutely. But I staunchly argue it would be better than how things are now.
To be clear: I am not a fantastic parent. I'm a well-meaning trauma victim trying to do better for my son than the world did to me. Being held to some external higher standards would good for me when the auto-pilot gears towards "useless dad".
I left my narcissistic mother’s house to move in with my partner because she kept trying to tell me who I was and what I wanted, and I could not take it anymore. I keep noticing the patterns of gaslighting myself, I hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me my relationship isn’t going to work, telling me I’m not actually trans, telling me I’m lazy & an entitled brat. tons of shitty things. I have seen them manifest into how I treat myself and my partner but I’m working really hard on my reactions and then my emotions. I’m not even close to being all the way there yet but I’ve been recognizing these things and making progress slowly :)
High school drama teacher impressed with my skill. At 20, I told my mom I might go try Hollywood. She absolutely flipped into a nasty smack down: "You won't MAKE it in Hollywood! Do you KNOW how many young WOMEN go down there and FAIL?! Forget IT-you'll just end up becoming a PROS-titute!"
SO f***ed UP, but it worked. I failed at everything, took zero risks (like Hollywood), and I'm so terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed in jack squat. She'd just sh*t all over it. I believe extreme jealousy drove her to compete with us. Our success would shine a HUGE spotlight on her own miserable failures. She still remains vicious and cruel, so both girls have zero contact. Blows.
I remember being a kid with low self esteem and for years, I wanted to be good at things like my brother after seeing how much praise he got. Growing up, my self esteem was very low and the thing I wanted most in life was recognition like my brother got. In 9th grade, I joined the cross country team. I believed that If I tried as hard as I could, I would be the fastest runner on the team despite not having done distance running before. I was wrong. In the time trial, I came in last and when I told my mom, I falsely believed she would be encouraging and would say that even though I didn't do that great, I should keep on trying.
I still wonder what drugs I was on that would make me do think she would respond like that. I shouldn't have told her the truth. But I did and she was furious. She blamed me for how I probably have embarrassed myself, embarrassing her, and how all the other girls would make fun of me. She became even more mad when I told her I wanted to keep going to practice. I remember sitting in my room that evening, contemplating if there was anything I was good at, desperately reflecting on any achievements I may have had, and finding none. I wondered if my life was a lost cause. Lastly, I thought about what would happen if I stayed on the team, wondered about the possibility of being decent, or even really good at something. At that moment, I decided to stay on the team, despite not knowing how the outcome would be for me, not knowing if I would find success, but I stayed on in spite of my mom.
She wasn't supportive of me until I actually became a decent runner, and then a good runner. But I knew that she would only give me support, only if I was good at something. I hated that reality and rarely ever let her come to the races, since I decided that she really didn't deserve to be there and that I was the one who encouraged myself, not her. I taught myself that her encouragement isn't as important as the encouragement I give to myself.
Wow. Good for you!
You have helped me beyond belief. I feel so understood when I listen to your videos. Thank you for all the work you do to spread healing 💗
When you mentioned that your mom was an alcoholic and that made you uncomfortable, my FIRST thought was "why? That's not HER fault."
So, thanks for helping me spot my own instances of self gaslighting
14:02 my issue is, it's so engrained that I wouldn't have even called that example gaslighting - my family never did anything *but* that, so I really struggle when I see it in the present day to detach myself from others who talk like this in work/uni etc
"Being gaslit that there is no such thing as a beginner" 💯🎯🤯
Oh my God this makes so much sense to me. I nearly gaslighted myself into marrying someone telling myself that the feelings would grow later even if I didn't really feel like I wanted to.
I actually told myself that and now finally after 20,21,22? (I Lost count) years together (20+ yrs married) I fully regret it 100% and am in my 40s trying to figure out how to get income so I can move out.
The same situation happened to me. He loved my abusive mother and she loved him, so it made it that much harder to refuse. I knew that I never wanted children, and I knew that he did. Thankfully you and I were both able to protect ourselves! When my now husband met my mother, he told me that it was obvious that she was completely crazy. It was a light shining through the heavens. I wasn't the insane one!
Yes
Trying to process all that arises in me,
as I watch this video...
I've fallen in love with a man.
And it's destroying me.
Breaking me.
The pain is too much.
Unbearable.
Leaves me breathless. Because...
I don't know what his feelings are for me?
But he clearly doesn't love me: like I love him...
And that leaves me full of shame...
I'm 42 and have never been in a relationship...
I have no friends.
No career.
No money.
No love.
No nothing.
And I'm old now.
I'm a complete utter total failure.
And I die in the shame and the grief
and the rage of it all...
I love the idea of thanking oneself for buying into the gaslighting, because that’s what helped us survive.
Thank you for saying that. It took away the guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying over falling for the lies. ❤️
I relate to this. My father terrorized our family unit, and my mom became a weak screamer. I was screamed at everyday of my life. It's taken a long time to align with, calm energy, within my inner system. I learned that slow minimal eyemovments , aligned with my slow breathing , and deliberate mouth movements all in sync with a dignified synchronized flow, helps me to feel my true, cool self
This video is great. Growing up, I felt like I had to go around life acting like I should apologize for being there or for feeling unhappy when there was a problem (I was told it meant I was ungrateful). And this experience does extend romantically/ professionally or in whatever adult relationships. It's really cathartic to hear all of this. It's validation I never got when I was younger. All of the experiences you've described resonate a lot with me.
I think the best and most difficult thing I had to teach myself in the aftermath of my childhood was to stand up for myself and walk away from people or workplaces that weren't good for me and to believe I'd find better things that I was deserving of.
I am a pro at almost getting finished with something and then self-sabotage sets in. Any time I heard of a job or a project that was completely and perfectly in line with my interests, I gushed about it when I told someone, but almost immediately started talking myself down about how there's someone more talented than I am who should do it or I'll just flake out and not finish and quit and why did I bother when I knew I would screw up before I even started....sigh.
I hate this crap. I have always held myself back with crippling SELF DOUBT AND SHAME. I wasted my entire life telling myself no, but what would happen if I told myself yes for a change?
The too sensitive comments, I grew up with this and heard it so many times. My mother later said, “I told you that because the work is a harsh place to live.” Just further exasperated the feelings of my pain or insecurities being too much for her/for anyone. Between 7-14 I was the emotional stabilizer when my parents fought. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry to them to please stop fighting so I could sleep. These things stay with us and I continue to gaslight myself because of all of this. I am so grateful to your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
My little sister had severe anxiety and other issues that didnt have a name back in the 80s. She had a therapist her entire childhood just to get her to go to school. She demanded everything from my parents under the threat of throwing a fit, she threw fits daily anyway. They gave in. She sat in the passenger seat of the car, my mom sat in back with me, granted shes like 7 years old at this point. She missed all of 5th grade. My mom went back to work and left me with my sister, never explaining what the issue was just that she was a "bad kid." Throw in my loveless narcissist father who blew up at me for breaking something worth $5, even then I was like wtf? Never an "it's ok son, we'll get another." No it was always "goddammit! What the hell did you do?" Terrible. I was traumatized by all this and they did nothing and neglected me further. I went low contact purposefully and moved across the country knowing that I would never experience love and acceptance from them. I acted out a fool for decades but to them I was a perfect angel genius. I fooled them, but it was too easy. My sister matured a bit, but my issues went unresolved until now since I started looking into this. I've been people pleasing killing myself for "music" (the only thing my dad enjoyed) which is pretty much a toxic system too. Type 1 diabetes, chronic neck pain. Unresolved trauma. Giving in to everyone's demands. Somehow married a woman whose family says 'I love you" to each other every day. Definitely not my experience. When I tried to talk about my childhood my mom would say "you had a great childhood!" Total gaslighting. Then we'd talk about how my sister was a "bad kid" and I'd say that it affected me, she'd say "but you're ok, right? I don't want to have to worry." I spent my life evading my family and protecting them at the same time.
When you said you were called 'selfish', and then when you said we think ourselves as 'burden' i absolutely i ended up crying. i was always the 'problem' child with my mom. i love her, but she has been very very tough on me. i was called a villain, a bad person, i was compared to some of my relatives who have done actual horrible things. Why? Just cuz she doesn't like me. You'll hear her say she 'has always loved me' but her way of 'love' for me is so very different than her love for my younger brother. She told me because i'm the eldest, i shouldn't focus on studying further in History (because i wanted to be an archaeologist) cuz she and my dad are from 'Science' disciplines and my subject is lame. i ended up telling myself that yes, History is lame. She asked, 'What would you do with a degree? Be a teacher?' So i gave up studying further.
But my younger brother is 'studying further' and is living abroad. He didn't even think twice, he just up and left. Mom is proud of him cuz he's doing a doctorate in Physics. He will become a 'teacher' in Physics.
She said, i have to focus on making money. So i chose animation, told myself this is what i like (i really do like it, but i know my life would've been so much better if only i stuck to will to study History). Then it was just wrong decision after wrong. i got the job but the pay was very low and work hours, terribly. i chose to study fashion, but i told myself, if i leave for college, then who will take care of my parents? So, naturally, i didn't continue. i took financial accounting for monetary reasons, but it was the same thing again. When i said i have to move for work, she got very ill and then i had to stay back. Now i'm unemployed, have nobody, will never have anybody. i only have my parents and i doubt my sanity every. single. day.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how old you are but I’m old enough to understand that sometimes you have to free yourself any way you can. Two things you need to remember: 1. This is your life. Don’t live it for someone else and what they think is best path. Give yourself permission to live your life. 2. Jobs and careers that are high status do not always make you happy. Sit down and figure out what would make you happy. Would you be happy working a job you hate, that sucks your time and life but pays well, or a job that makes you excited to wake up, but makes enough to keep a roof and food on the table??? If your love is history, don’t give up on it. You studied financial accounting, but had to stay home. Pursue a remote job, if possible. Use free college course sites to study History on the side. When you learn something interesting, make videos about it on your channels. Share why History is exciting to you… Your enthusiasm will draw others.
You may not be able to change your situation right now, but you can change your mindset and not be defeated. Having an overbearing parent can drown out your own thoughts and ideas. That’s why it’s important to be on your own. But if that’s not possible, carve out time and space for yourself where she isn’t around and start thinking of what you want your life to look like. Don’t feel bad if you don’t see it at first. That’s normal. Just observe other peoples lives and write down parts you like or DONT like. Sorry for the long reply. I wish you the best.
Fun side project for you: work on your own animation of historical periods you like.
We’re all cheering you on. You can still escape and have your own life and still be near and dear to your parents, it’s never too late.
Did she really get ill or just when you wanted to do something or go somewhere? Emotional blackmail?
These videos are helping me so much, I just needed someone to explain how the abuse effected me because my experience felt so unique that I couldn’t relate. And here I am. Relating
Incredibly illuminating. And that part about thanking the inner child for doing what was needed to survive… wow. Thank you Patrick
I’d have to say this is one of my favorites, so important to our healing is to trust our intuition and being aware of how we shut it up is the beginning to shifting the paradigm.
Oh wow. When you mentioned that stopping doing something right before finishing. Of that im sobbing😭
I have ADHD, so i have just tought that thats the reason. I nevet stick to something. But than again. I see and meet so many people with ADHD that actually finishing and getting good. They just use more time.
But with. Im afraid of continuing..
It really makes sense. Im dead afraid of not managing things. Cause that ive been told since i was a kid. They were supposedly afraid of me getting hurt so they advising me to not try. Sneaky🥺🥺🥺 Helicopter parenting can hurt.
Let your kids try and fail! Let it be okey.
"In my mind it was clear at that point that I was selfish and I usually got things deeply wrong" how I feel every day! Loving your videos
My father used to ask my opinion about something. When I'd give him my honest opinion (and it didn't matter what the subject was), he would invariably say, "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
All he needed was the cigar and the accent and he would've sounded exactly like Grouch Marx-but he was being serious.
"Set up, like a bowlin' pin
Knocked down, it gets to wearin' thin
They just won't let you be..."-The Grateful Dead _Truckin_
I have an alcoholic mother, narcissistic father (pill addiction), and I’m the HSP scapegoat while older sister is golden child (BPD, histrionic). I’ve cut off my dad and sister 4 months ago.this year with the help of you, therapists over zoom and two other therapists videos I feel like I’m really improving my life. Finding out these roles unlocked so much realization and healing for me, sometimes it seems like you’re talking about me exactly.I also realized I was majorly triggered at work (thank you for that video) and surrounded myself with narcissists. It’s very healing and comforting to know these roles and traumas have been named and that we have tools to heal them. Thank you. I’ve now got a boss that truly values me, have said goodbye to narcissistic friends, and focus firstly on myself and my healing.
100% me. Totally gaslight myself. If I pointed out something my mum (she’s 84) did that I didn’t think was appropriate she would spin any blame so quickly back on me & change her version of the story denying the original truth. We’d end falling out but it was me who was grief stricken and used to reach out to make up. She behaved like nothing happened.
Final straw was 6mths ago when she turned up excited about arranging a 50th for my brother. When I remarked I didn’t get a 50th party from her she said “stop being so petty”.
Geez, I am glad I am no contact at the moment whilst i get therapy & heal. Then I can decide if no contact has to be permanent. Your channel is such a huge help x
Happy Belated 50th Birthday! woo 🎂 🎆
@@unavoidablycanadian397 ❤️🙂 Thank you!! That made me smile & really appreciated. What a wonderful person you are 🙏
I was gaslighted by adults all throughout my childhood. It's ruined my adult life. Absolutely ruined it.