Whenever I heard the argument from parents who say “I clothed, fed, and gave you a home!!!” to their kids whenever they try to bring up something awful they did to their child, I always think this: You know who else clothes, feeds, and gives people a home? Prison. But they don’t do it out of love.
Literally what they are required to do. No rewards given for doing the bare minimum. Every person who chooses to be a parent signs up for 18 years of meeting all essential needs. No child should ever feel they owe their parents anything for having their basic needs met. Kids didn't choose to be born. It is 100% on the parents.
One day I was fighting with my father because at 18 he would still want to rule every single aspect of my life and make all the decisions. When I said „no, it‘s my life“ he said he fed me, dressed me and put a roof over my head and if I was so damn ungrateful for that I should pay him back all the expenses I costed him. For years he literally expected me to pay him everything back, even the money he spent on diapers!!!!!! Wth????? Anyway, things got worse but after some years I could escape that hell and cut off any contact with them. I have been free and safe for 6 years now 🍀
@@wildcrocus my parents were by no mean perfect. Nor were they ideal as parents. They made a lot of mistakes. When I look back on their flaws I see them as just been human. When they say stuff like that they just reminding you of who's taking care of you. Nothing is wrong with that. And there's no law that says they have to be good parents. None! I mean it would be nice if they have good parents! That would be a plus! But it was common for dads to say he walked 12 miles in 6 ft of snow with no shoes on whenever you asked for new shoes to go with that one outfit you planned to wear on a date.
My mom used to yell at this at me all time, and things similar to that. Once when I was about 16 I finally yelled back "it's not my fault you chose to have kids and then had to take care of them". She did not like that...My mom is a narcissist and always acted like my sister and I owed her everything. To this day if we argue she still says shit like "I'm the mother, you need to respect me" like yea, ok, your lucky we still talk. 🙄
I have my 2 boys, not because I wanted kids… I didn’t because of my upbringing… but since I have them I have tried my hardest to be nothing like my parents in every way. It has worked thankfully, but now that they are older my personality issues are coming back full force. 😞
Every time I go to someone else’s house and see how their family operates, I have the same thought: ‘they all seem to like each other a lot.’ The concept of a family genuinely enjoying one another’s company is so foreign to me.
I agree. I know families who actually spend time together. My family? We're likely to kill each other. Not joking. I'm literally terrified of my brothers, who've been known point guns at each other's faces, had cops called because they were wrestling over the gun, etc. My sisters are almost as bad, except they've never pulled a gun on anyone, just started fights that get pretty bad, including physical. My family hates me, and the feeling is now mutual. Needless to say, we pretty much avoid each other at all costs. If I saw my brother or sister in a grocery store, I'd turn around and walk out before they spotted me lol. Seriously.
@@turolretar who, me? Lmao. Yeah, I'm the reason they were shoving guns in each other's faces, when I lived and worked at least 200 miles away at the time. Geez. Pull your head out. Smdh.
There was a certain point in my life whilst transitioning from a boy to a young man that I realized that no one actually knows wtf is going on, every adult is just an overgrown kid, still holding on to all the memories and feelings that we had when we were young and we're all just doing our best to help each other learn. That's why once you reach a certain age, you don't feel different w each passing year, because your physical growth has stopped and it's up to you to grow as a *person.*
@@OddWolf666 Everyone is still a child TO A CERTAIN EXTANT. Yes your childhood never leaves you and shapes your personality, but it is very much possible to digest it and make peace with it, and end up in a place where understanding what was going on then gives you at least a basic idea of what is going on now. That's what maturity means. People also call that adulthood, even though there's indeed a quiproquo. Being an adult in a mature sense doesn't mean no longer being a child, but rather no longer being JUST A CHILD. What Brandon was saying is that unfortunately, many people involve themselves in parenthood when they completely lack that maturity, and the undigested trauma or shortcomings from their own childhood - in which they're stuck emotionally - get in the way and prevent them from dedicating their mental energy to caring properly for another.
@Lena Medina yup! My mom had me at 17, and my paternal grandmother was the one who told me how much her grandparents (my great-grandparents, who were wonderful) helped her out. My mom tried to take credit for SO MUCH that other people did for her.
I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that parentification isn't normal. It's such an embedded thing in my culture, people will applaud you for supposedly being mature for your age and understanding of your parent/s struggles. Like it's somehow a good thing to have lost your youth so young because you had to compensate for an absentee parent and an abusive single parent.
I felt this 😔 And the worst thing is, then my other family expect me to always act as adult, especially to their own children who aren't that far in age to me. It's like, I don't have the right to be kid myself.
This really hurts knowing how much I relate to this. I have two parents, and they treat me well, or it feels like that but at the same time, being super mature is just expected, especially from me. I have to do well in school, I have to organize my own schedule, I cant accidentally say the wrong thing without being shamed. I cant express emotion without being told I was imature. It got to the point that by the time I was 12, acting 15 wasn't enough. I had to be 18. And the worst part is that my brother is expected to act perfectly normal for his age, just because he was younger. Another part of it that I think really impacted this was that my brother was loud, roudy, and attention seeking, and I was a lot quieter. I have this huge pressure to do well, to take care of my brother, to organize myself and cause my parents minimal stresss, and it just places this huge burden on me.
Yep, I have to act more mature than my parents, and that's been like that since I was...maybe 6? (Of course I couldn't, but I was punished for that) and at 11 or so is when I became more mature than them, and I never realized that was not normal until one year ago or so...
Its toxic shame usually disguised as perfectionism just when the slightest mistake happen these people plunge into deep shameful feelings that there whole identity is disturbed … you can be perfect but not attached to it that you deny life itself and emotions its crazy and inhumane
My family is a combination of Ships in the Night and Anti-Love. I've told my spouse and therapist that my parents raised us like houseplants. We were physically cared for, but there was no real interest in us as people. My friends, my hobbies, my emotions were treated with mockery, and I'm just starting to come to terms with how damaging that was.
@@dogscott7881 yup, raised like a houseplant, except I remember my dad did broke my toys and destroyed my favorite houseplant that I have been trying to grow with them, just because I didn't let him watch his show.
@affsteak3530 dear God, your comment is bang on accurate - houseplants. My parents wanted to see fabulous flowers but they didn't talk to them... they didn't ask the blooms how they're feeling or what's going on. Just as long as the bloom is blooming they don't care. When the bloom is wilting, they don't ask it if its okay, they throw it out, or pretend it's not performing and put a better houseplant in front of it....
Everyone calls it childhood trauma when it’s really life trauma. The trauma of a toxic or dysfunctional family never ends cause even as an adult you have to endure the trauma of walking away from a family or/and not having family support, or staying in the toxic and dysfunction. Either is trauma. People think it’s just in childhood. Nope that’s just when you have a higher probability of being dependent on family than an adult.
It’s also ongoing because emotions don’t just go away. Fear in childhood, terror on childhood, severe ongoing child abuse does such damage that victims carry it their whole lives. It causes complex PTSD, which basically ruins a person’s chances to live a normal life.
@@KaagrantI strongly agree... I have CPTSD, i was vaguely aware of the multiple mental/emotional/physical/sexual trauma's of my childhood but it didn't impact me until i was 63, ... i had a mental collapse and all the memories of my childhood surfaced in all their "glory". It took 3 years for the professionals to figure out what was going on and why i was losing awareness of the passage of time. Along with the CPTSD, there is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which didn't surprise me because i seemed to have the word "scapegoat" on my back for my entire life) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which did surprise me) with at least 14 separate alters identifiable at the time of diagnosis. -- i was lucky, i ran into nurturing people as i grew up, women who could see that i was not getting the loving support it takes to have a mentally stable child . That probably kept me from mentally collapsing much earlier on, it was not until the last of my support system collapsed that i did.
@Tensay H a comment made by someone who was not abused as a child. You can't just choose to walk away. That's like telling a depressed person to stop being sad. I don't know what love is. That's not me being "oo edgy" that's me saying that I don't know the difference between an abusive relationship and a healthy one. I don't feel comfortable knowing people who don't hit me/berate me/demean me/otherwise abuse me. It's not some sort of sick BDSM masochism or anything, I just don't know how to exist otherwise. When people are nice to me, it is deeply uncomfortable because they will eventually "snap" and be even WORSE than usual, as I've been taught through my whole childhood. "Kindness is the calm before the storm." I can't live being treated nicely, it's terrifying. It's stressful, far more stressful than any beating can be. because beatings are honest, and they end eventually, but "kindness"... "Kindness" is usually a mask that's used to hide building aggression that will explode in unpredictable ways. Even if I "choose to walk away" from my family, I will be abused by other people who are not family that I inevitably meet through my life. OR if by some miracle there are good people that find me valuable, I'll live in perpetually increasing panic as the days go on while this person does NOT abuse me, becoming more and more paranoid about how bad the outburst is going to be after all of this kindness is wasted on me. I get so stressed and paranoid that eventually, hanging out with these people (who don't abuse me for some odd reason), causes severe anxiety and I get to the point that I can't even be in the same room as them without breaking down and feeling like it's time for their aggression they've been hiding to come out. And since it's been so long that they've had to "hold back" there's a lot of "catching up" to do on correcting me. My life has to be either abuse, constant anxiety that leads to broken friendships, or solitude. These are the only options available to me, due to my upbringing. So explain to me how I'm supposed to choose to walk away.
when i tried it was either them telling me that if i did one of my "crazy person crisis" (they were panic atacks lol) they would put me in an '""insane asylum'"" (yikes) or most of the time straight up COMPLETLY ignore me 😃 it was like i didnt existed like A GHOST, terrible 🤡 the worst thing is that this occured recently, im 20 now, they will never learn and this fact blows my mind :)
@@camila-qr7mv aww I'm sorry hun, I have panic attacks too and know exactly what it feels like, sometimes friends can be better then blood relatives, we can choose our own family now😊 hope you are doing okay 😊
my mother and her boyfriend always corrected me and said "no it's just an argument/disagreement sweetie :) every couple goes through this :) we're just so similar"; it was one of the few times I didn't take their advice and kept on calling it what it was: a fight. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I hope you know you that can trust your instincts! That's something I still have some trouble with bc of my experiences, but there's ways to heal from it
@@elidiac5045 we are a lot alike yes :) and I'm sorry you also had to go trough it as well, its so many of us with the same story, its rough and it is straight up fighting, I have always called it like I see it, I was never stupid enough to believe it was just "an argument" or "a discussion" when I was a kid. I used to wish I would never grow up, I didn't want to act like "an adult" (fighting and screaming) I'm just glad i turned out to be a good person. But I hope you are doing well too
My girlfriend has a terribly abusive family. They only do the bare minimum when it comes to taking care of her, and whenever she comes to them with a problem, they call her selfish for "Making it all about her." She was even assaulted and traumatized, and her parents refused to get her the help she needed, and they made *her trauma* all about *them.* Her parents disgust me, and following her trauma, I had to do everything myself to help her. She lives abroad, but I still did more for her than her own mother and father did. I didn't really realize her family was abusive until my own father talked to me about his concerns seeing me isolate myself to focus on helping her. He said "It's great that you're there for her, but she should be able to rely on her parents for help," and I responded "Should or shouldn't, she can't. They refuse to help her." That was when it all clicked in my head that her parents were abusive. They don't hit her, they don't attack and harass her, they don't do anything like that, they simply don't seem to care about anyone but themselves, and that neglect is still abusive. Thank you for making this video, I truly believe this will help her when she sees this.
@@looweegee252 *Being* abused. And yeah, I'm trying to make her realize that. It's just hard when she's still dependent on her parents, so she can't really do anything because they can just go "If you don't like it, you can move out."
@@nordinreecendo512 I really think you are doing a great thing helping her and I hope things steadily go for better for her and you two. It must be difficult for her to understand that most of her experience as a child was let's say "wrong", when that's the only reality she knows of. And it must be a very painful thing to consider that the very people who created you and who should be loving you more than anyone else in the world, are not providing you with the most basic support and are hurting you. Her mind would be probably fighting so hard against this painful thought. I guess it all comes down to helping her get really strong and realize that she matters, that her opinion and feelings are important and that she should have them... that she is smart and should not separate from her parents at any cost. I will keep my fingers crossed for you :-) @Jake Ross Um.. why are you here? If you misunderstood that you were corrected and found that painful - that doesn't make it ok for you to make this conversation about you and repeatedly attack the person you misunderstood in the first place. I hope you resolve whatever is troubling you.
As an adult, my mom met a new friend of mine and commented - with true astonishment - “she really likes you”! That one comment told me everything about my childhood, and why I always felt like an alien in my family.
Mine did that just recently with her old friend. I'm 63! She was so surprised that this respected friend ( who doesn't suffer fools gladly) thought my husband and I especially delightful 🤷
My brother and I are so sorry for the way we teased our baby sis. For some reason when we were all little, we told her she was found in a garbage can. She’s never forgotten it. And we, to this day, regret it and have no idea where it came from. 🤦♀️
The first one “Looks Good On Paper” really hit home - very religious parents who saw problems as failures and weaknesses. When we told our parents we all had mental issues my mum responded “oh so it’s all our fault?! You are so ungrateful - I must be such a bad mum that all my 7 children are depressed! And I thought you had a happy childhood“
Reading this is sorta cathartic for me, had a very similar experience. I’d say my upbringing was a bit of a mix of one and two. Mom and dad were both very religious, socially conservative, but we were working class. Dad worked a lot, so much that I really don’t have many memories of him until I was around high school age. Eventually dad got a new job and promoted and we were living in a nice suburb going to a prestigious school. Apparently all this material wealth, which I really didn’t experience growing up anyway, was supposed to make up for me essentially raising myself when I was young. Then they get mad and say I’m ungrateful any time I bring up my perspective.
I relate the most about telling our parent we had mental issue, my mom literally said the same thing and then she wondered why i don't wanna be open to her
"I'm your parent, not your friend" this statement makes me so mad, that just INSTANTLY causes a disconnect between you and your kid, don't EVER say that to them, they'll become your enemy. good video.
yes, LOTS of abuse and neglect and terrible parenting is hidden in plain sight by these kinds of offhand 'accepted' comments. if other parents only knew how much normalizing these kinds of phrases is leaving so many kids in harms way (and "parental" units operating without thought)
For real, and the sentence is not bad per se, but they don't *understand* it: It's not that parents can't get along with their kids, it's that parents need to take care of them and teach them to be humans and stay in the role of a tutor, a mentor, a PARENT before and above anything else. I hate how they misunderstood and started to use it to justify abuse.
THIS. "I'll never be your friend. I'm your mother." She let me know with that statement that she'd never emotionally be there for me. That it would always be obedience = safety and disobedience = contempt. My toxic dad at least taught me not to obey without question. I took it too far, but I was also a child. We can't be friends? We can't have a friendship outside of the parent/child dynamic? Yeah. It soured any relationship I might have had with her. And our religion backed it up.
But how? If I would do that directly they would brake. I hope the restricted contact makes them think. (A couple years back it was no contact, but now I try a new form of relationship... but it feels like paddling back)
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii It is More Of an Personal Radical Acceptance of you accepting they Should be held Accountable Authentically ...its requires a grieving process with Some.. Jerry Wise has good advice how to Self Differentiate in Non Polarized Ways Based on how Toxic your Family and your own Maladaptive Behaviors are. I was able to pull back from my Family of Origin to do Self Understanding Work and then I Could Reconnect with the Relationships I had with the Non Malevolent Members In Much Healthier and Truly Authentic Ways.
It's funny how my family was pretty similar to the 'toxic divorce' model even though my parents never actually divorced. They just kept fighting and making up and talking shit about each other to their kids
Same exactly with my parents and if it weren’t for the fact that they are very religious they would have gotten divorced but the word of God forbids divorce so they stayed together. Which was worse because they were always yelling and fighting and it was so toxic I was just hoping they would divorce already so I wouldn’t have to hear them screaming all the time but sadly I grew up in that toxic household of screams.
Can i ask if you dont mind would you have preferred to get a divorce. Or do what they did or r doing. These are parents and i think if you have grown apart which happens, you sit them down and talk to them, let them know that they have a voice and both parents put their own feelings and emotions to one side and step up to the plate and be the adult they need to be, to make the transition for their kids so much easier.
What about PK's and TK's - preachers' kids and teachers' kids? That's another type of model minority. If you don't live up to their expectations, Hell help you.
@@amywalker7575 idk about preacher’s kids but like 75% of the teachers I know are great parents and have well-adjusted kids 😅 they deal with them all day, they know how to respect them and give them the room to make mistakes. Not all of them, of course.
@@Jellybeansatdusk Unfortunately, my parents grew up in an era where teachers were the BOSSES and students were the WORKERS. That whole "spare the rod and spoil the child" thing? That was my family. All they had to do was look at me like they were threatening to spank me, and I'd crack like an egg.
Yea you don't know what parents had to do or go through for your existence, your dad had to give up his dreams for 30 secs of pleasure and stuck wit yo momma
Saw your comment before he actually got into any of his examples and thought it was very interesting.. I didn’t understand at all. Then he got to the single parent.. I never even realized that I might be on this list.. and he nailed so many of my issues that I personally struggle with on the daily..
Same lol but it’s still like here I am a burden on my parents and they felt they had to stick together for me and my bro on top of it like extra burden they could have been happier if they didn’t have to stick together for us
@@sarahscalpel561 My mom said I begged her not to get a divorce and so she didn't for me. Not true, that never happened I wanted my parents to get divorced when I was a child. She didn't want to own her stuff, so she puts it on me.
This type of free content from professionals,you just can't fathom how much it helps a person like me who cannot access it if it were paid. I am from a country where it is not possible for me,a student, to pay for such information. I don't have a card whatsoever, nor can I get one ; cause to get a card and pay the tiny amount I first need to be rich and have a large amount in my bank account . This helps soooo much , I can't thank you enough. I hope more and more professionals come to these types of platforms and share their knowledge. I am sooo thankful.
Even when you have access to mental health care, it might take you quite a bit of trial and error to find the right therapist. This content is really good. Very spot on.
I knew it was really toxic and I left at 18, but sometimes struggle with things that I should have received and didn't. As in: "you guys had icecream for good grades?" "You guys had encouragement for leaving a bad job/guy?" You know the meme... 😑😑 that's me 🤦♀️
I knew mine was toxic when my father accused me of stealing, and I left then, at 19. I didn’t realize how toxic he was until these last few years (I’m 26, for reference), and I dropped contact with him last year, out of the blue, because I couldn’t handle the tentacles, in a way, that he had on my mental health. He went to everyone but me, asking how I was, or what went wrong. Even though he’s a “Facebook friend”, he tapped out of trying to be controlling of me, to the point where he didn’t know my partner and I had adopted a dog. Which I’m grateful for, and I’m still processing not feeling guilty about. I didn’t realize how narcissistic he was, until I dropped contact. Thank goodness I’m working on untangling it. Sorry for the long tangent, but yes, I feel the same way!
@@RiannaNicole It's so hard to see it when you're in it, especially if you were groomed from birth to accept it. I'm glad you're in a better place now! :)
I was in my late 20s? in therapy, and hearing my therapist be like 'wow, that sounds like it was a really hard, and let's deal with the trauma from that' was like "wait, what? That's traumatic??" I always assumed because I wasn't physically or sexually abused, I was 'ok.' Emotional abuse and trauma is real, y'all.
My mother was apparently so traumatized by her dad that she was a machine. Get through the day somehow was her only mantra. I went through school with so many bullying events, flat out horrible things that no one ever, ever addressed. Chased through the hallways by mean girls, beaten up, raped, you name it. The rape was the easiest thing to get over to be honest. This was all at school! Not even talking about home lol. I gotta say I never thought I could heal and be a human just from free UA-cam videos. But here I am walking talking and rocking. Thank you kind therapist. We heal and help each other.
Hello. This whole thing is relatively new to me: i only accepted reality after a physical breakdown (massive weightloss and insomnia throughout a period of maybe a year) with a 3 day stay in intensive care and since am healing, reading a lot and found all the channels here. I am 37. Can you recommend recources? It would be highly appreciated. I had a horrible childhood and did a lot of excessive work, drugs and alcohol to "get well" and honestly thought I was just crazy and beyond help but things changed a lot - for the better. It still is very new and I am looking to adress those issues the right way. I also am sober for almost 2 years or so, which seems to have been the catalyst to understanding.. u think i know the bestsellers already (Dr. Mate, bessel van der kolk, some UA-cam channels) but would love to learn more. Best regards, Robert
@@Jbp-tbshI think what the commenter means by that is that compared to their other experiences, rape was the easiest to get over with. I mean, I got bullied in school and later sexually abused by my brother-in-law. And after that abuse, I think bullying is not that bad y'know
TIMESTAMPS (thumbs up if helpful) 7. Looks Good On Paper ~ 3:00 6. Ships In The Night ~ 6:20 5. Anti-Love ~ 8:38 4. Chaos System ~ 11:44 3. Toxic Divorce ~ 14:45 2. Toxic Single Parent ~ 19:10 1. Aggressor + Codependent ~ 22:04 0. Foster Care / Adopted ~ 24:52
Too bad this isn't like gathering the infinity stones or a lot of us here would have some serious power on our hands 😂 nope, just crippled mental health
Yeah other than the adoption & single-parent....it felt like every system was my system. I've pushed so much of the feelings away that I'm like bawling a lil bit tonight....but I have to remind myself (and maybe you do as well) that...we're not the ones at fault. Whoever hurt us dealt with their own issues when they saw us, but that wasn't because we're monsters. It's something I recently came to conclude like in a tangible sense in therapy....my mom wasn't finding it hard to love me because of me, she didn't love me because her own issues....issues not involving me at all. Pretty sure a lot of folks can say "Yeah...I know that!" but really taking that sentiment to heart, really bringing it up when you feel like "Well...I guess I deserved that treatment. No wonder!" .....that is a process. I need to go back and take notes about the part where he said what to focus on for recovery lol I wasn't able to process it in one pass lmao!
Oooff anti love hits hard. No compliments, no celebrating birthdays, no smiles, hugs, affection, or even basic conversation. I used to not understand people that were nice and bubbly, how to have a conversation with people, and the importance of self care. Take care of yourself folks, and remember you are loveable ❤️
My family was never anti-love, but they were sure as hell awkward about love. It was more like silent love, they weren't affectionate at all. It made me look strangely at my aunt on my mother's side BC she is SO affectionate. I was envious, I realize now. I wanted my mom to love me like that too.
@@Nakia11798 I've been through that too. Understanding the 5 love languages help, because it makes us understand that we just have different love languages than our parents and we were looking for love in things we can't expect from them. My love language is words affirmation, and my last is gifts. My parents NEVER express through words, and my mom's love language is giving gifts so I didn't feel loved until I understood that she buying things for me were a way of expression xD You might have the same love language as your aunt, and that's why you find her so affectionate :)
My bubbly self is what happens when I disassociate. I can't access any feelings or memories beyond tactile ones. So I come off as happy and ditzy when really I can't access myself.
I remember when I first started dating my husband, and when I went to dinner at his house to meet his family for the first time... It was such a completely opposite environment than what I was used to. I thought that his family relationships felt surreal and like they were putting up a front like my family did to make it seem like the "perfect" family, but no, they were all just genuinely good people and they actually got along, and my mom wondered why I preferred to spend time with his family and not with her. Edit: also, am I the only one that can relate to all 7 of these systems? I had all of these things going on in one example or another.
This was my exact experience too! And it's so nerve wracking and humiliating to have to slowly let your partner know that your family isn't the same at all. One day few years back my boyfriend actually got emotional and shed a few tears asking why my mom doesn't like him when he tries his best to get on her good side. Then, last month he was staying over with me and my family. Him and I went shopping, and when we came to my house he was excitedly showing my parents what he bought and they just criticised everything he had to say. Later on he told me now he understands that I'm better off not telling them anything. It's kinda sad how naive he is around them.
@@TheDaniela3112 oh I completely understand that! My husband was so anxious too because he wanted my family to like him so much, but at some point I just had to prioritize myself and my own happiness/relationships over theirs, cause at some point I realized that it's just impossible to please my family, everything I did was a disappointment no matter what.
oh wow 6 out of 7 It's what I marvel at all the time; when my best friend talks abt her upbringing or her favorite family member. I love spending time with her and am slowly learning that I'm actually not that bad of a person to hang out with.
"Hey mom, I watched this video about different unhealthy family dynamics and I learned a lot about how our family can grow and learn to be...." "Yeah I know, we are all just horrible" Love this...
It probably isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but I figured out how to combat this with my own parents. Get on their good side (takes a long time), and then whenever they do something toxic, point it out to them posing as coming from a place of concern, and focusing nearly entirely on how it would negatively affect them. That’s the key- make it their problem, so that’s when they’ll fix it. If you make it seem like the drawback is just hurting another person, they won’t care, because clearly they haven’t cared enough to change their behavior thus far. Then, all that matters is gently steering them towards the best solution by pointing out the cons of their alternative solutions (if they are bad- if they’re good, then point out the pros!), and then only pointing out the pros of the “correct” solution. Maybe mention a singular con, but only if it’s inconsequential and doesn’t affect much to them. Slowly their behavior will change and then you can pretend that they did it because they love you and your siblings, not because you coerced them into change 🥲 I have to stress though- ONLY do this for good, and if your parent is really that defensive/touchy. You want to influence them while their guard is down. This takes years though- but sometimes it can even lead to them becoming self aware of their past behaviors and actually choosing to go to therapy
I went on a student exchange in Germany when I was 16. Sure, a learned a bit of German, but more importantly I got to live in a healthy family system away from my own toxic family for a whole three months. I am only beginning to realize what a blessing it was just to know so early that another kind of life was possible, even if I didn't understand that my family was toxic at the time.
I had the exact same experience. I was UNCONSOLABLE when i had to leave my beautiful German family in Bavaria… i didnt want to go back to my deadbeat mother and alcoholic stepfather.
Had a similar opportunity, but I was overwhelmed by how wholesome the family was and instead of engaging and learning what I could, I was anxious and self-isolated. I will always regret it.
I'm the oldest. From 12 years ol age I was sent away to stay with extended family, student exchange, people who somehow my mother knew from church. Strangers usually to me. In Germany, France, Ireland. Even the us. I thought it was normal. Now I know that it was just to get rid. BUT more recently I've realised that these were the periods I not only enjoyed/grew the most - and can actually remember in detail. Unlike my home life . I disassociated at home. Can't remember much at all.
When I was at university, my roommate invited me to spend one Thanksgiving weekend with her family. They were wonderful and I really enjoyed the loving dynamic between each family member. Toward the end of the visit, her dad gently asked me about my family relationships. Turns out he'd sensed almost right from the start that my relationship with my own dad was pretty messed up at the time, just based on my subconscious reactions to him. He very kindly offered advice and support, and I've never forgotten that.
@@linkedinlove106 wow that other comment and your reply to it, was a l awaking to that! I didn't know that was a problem but I do that too and it makes sense why.
The ‘good on paper’ is so dangerous. I know that I didn’t receive the help I needed because of it. No one was in my corner or even believed I was being abused, because my family had it all put together. I can only imagine how many other people are in the same position. May we all work towards healing together
Yes Savannah, thanks for mentioning this. I'm struggling to deal with this situation currently. Due to telling my extended family that this is the case I have been excommunicated.
People vastly underestimate how many families only present well on the outside, but are a mess on the inside. It's the reason I cringe when I see people judging public figures when something goes public. *SO* many people imagine they're alone in their individual suffering. It's bizarre.
I always told myself my childhood wasn't that bad. And it wasn't that bad. I just thought I had issues and had no idea why. I can't believe the things you have said in your videos, it's like you watched a movie of my childhood. Now I know why I have these hang ups and feel I can start to work through them. Thank you for your videos!
Same. Having a childhood that “wasn’t that bad” does NOT mean you had a healthy childhood filled with love, respect, affection, attention, protection, etc. I’m with you on this. I’m 47 and just learning that my toxic family system was ABUSE. Keep going on your healthy journey! It’s done wonders for me over the past year. Good luck!
It's difficult to admit to oneself that a parent was an abuser. It feels like you let go of a fairy tale, or you are renouncing your responsibility or a promise you gave for your parent like a betrayer. To see things as they were took me decades.
Few months ago, I tried to explain to my parents my current struggles with constantly comparing myself to others and chasing things working so hard just to prove my value to the people around me. I told them it’s so emotional draining. And my mom responded: wow that means we did something right raising you up like this. At least it helps you succeed in your studies and your career….
I was completely robbed of a childhood-my parents HATED providing for me or treating me like a child. My mother was the youngest in a large family-pampered and coddled and catered to and oh so “special.” I was the oldest and in their family traditions the oldest daughter was basically a domestic servant who reared the children and that’s exactly what they did to me. I remember her mother telling me I needed to help my mother around the house when I was about eight. My whole childhood revolved around meeting the needs of my endlessly selfish, childish mother.
My mother’s family had 4 siblings, she loved her brothers but treated her younger sister (my aunt) like dog crap. My sister is on a pedestal and I the youngest is expected to serve the family. It was never relevant to me until I hit my 50s. Such an eye opener. My aunt was a home maker, cared to her husband and parents. My mother was ungrateful for her sacrifice and she will do this to me.
Thanks for sharing. Children should all help around the house the best they can, but I know what you mean about not helping mom, but being a servant and maid in your own home. Not the same! I sometimes sub in primary school class, so I will have to be aware of this when teaching lessons about helping mom and dad at home. I experienced some of that and it's resulted in me being too lenient with my children. I feel guilt for asking to them to do a single chore. I know that's not healthy either.
I'm from a Latino family, but I dated someone for a few years who was Chinese-American. Honestly, when I saw "Looks Good On Paper" I was, like, "That was Ning's family. Yikes!"
I grew up in a environment full of hate and coldness. It fehlt like my parents are my enemys. Even today in my 40ies is hard to believe that someone really likes or loves me as I never felt this way in my childhood😢😢😢 Thank you for making me understand that it didnt just happend to me and that there is are professionell words for that: anti-love, chaotic and codependent parenting styles
I was essentially my father's emotional punching bag and his therapist. Any time he got angry about anything he'd take it out on me, pointing out all my flaws and how he was so much of a better person than me because his life was harder, then he'd also talk to me about his problems and most disturbing inner thoughts and I had to try to counsel him. He also treated me more like his friend than his son except when it was convenient to lord power over me. Mix of chaotic family and toxic single parent.
Do you mind sharing some of the inner thoughts? I'm concerned for my niece who's 7 who's supposed to be moving into a seperate apartment with her malignant narcissistic father who I can sadly undoubtedly picture him doing something like this if he didn't have witnesses.
It's as if you were talking about my mom. The thing is that she doesn't have a healthy relationship with my father, and according to her I'm "too much like him," so she's always punishing me when she's mad at him and I'm just left confused asking myself "what did I do? " It's the worst because i've internalized the feeling of "yeah, she's right it's my fault" to the point where I'm not sure if i actually did something wrong or dad just pissed her off. Then I think "hey, it's me, I always do something wrong so I probably had it coming ." It's hard breaking out of that state of mind.
@@Gaburierairuze It definitely isn't you. Please hold that truth at your core. As a mother, I assure you, minor children aren't at fault for their parents' moods, problems, or struggles. You deserve better. You deserve love.
@@joshsimms5697 I can't share those inner thoughts, they were very personal to him. But they were violent a lot of times. My dad is a tormented man. In some ways I feel for him, and in others I'll never be able to forgive what he did to me. I'd say that the family should keep a close eye on your niece. Talk to her about what her relationship with her father is like. With me, I never spoke about it. Dysfunction became normalized to me, so I never told anyone I was being yelled at and excoriated verbally. Don't let it become normalized for her.
How bad was my childhood that I relate to every one of these examples, lol. Anti-love and toxic divorce were the two that hit the hardest. Some ppl should never have kids.
Yeah anti love, chaos and some stuff here n there. I knew it was bad but this made it hit home that it was about as bad as it can get without actually murderering me. My soul was destroyed and Im working hard all alone to try and fix it. I do believe I can do it but it will take a very long time. So no relationships to detract me. That can only go one way toxic. I cannot heal in that environment. I wish you all the best in your recovery
Number 1 resonates with me. Codependent doesn't want to take sides and just follow the Aggressor. When I stand up to the Aggressor, it looks like disrespect to the Aggressor or the Outsider, but since they are blind, they can't see what's actually happening. Aggressor can be two-faced, shows the good side to relatives, friends or colleagues but totally treats the family different.
Omg you just described my mom perfectly. Always super nice when people were over but almost always in a bad mood otherwise and her drinking could make her violent at times.
And if the codependent tries to leave, to protect you, would you choose to stay with the aggressor? My child did. It's awful that they were even put in that position of choosing sides. It's not healthy and sets up child for future relationship problems
oh my I relate so much. my dad making nasty remarks and comments until I loose my cool and scream at him only to then look like the "bad" person myself. And then having people comment that you shouldn't talk to your parents like that etc. Fills me with rage.
@@LaraOlina it's called "reactive abuse," a tactic narcissists deliberately engage others I to make themselves the victim when they're the aggressor...
As a teacher, I have experience interacting with many families and can easily identify each archetype. This helps to develop a better understanding of what children may be experiencing/internalizing. I also appreciate that you included foster children too. Their plight often goes unnoticed.
Thank you Thomas Keets for being willing to do this. I will always be thankful for my teacher Mr. Emerick who took me home when my alcoholic mother forgot to pick me up, who protected me when other kids bullied me because I was not dressed properly and smelled. He saw me and was kind to me. He showed me there are good people in this world. Other teachers, at best, pretended like I didn’t exist. You are making a huge difference in some child’s life. I have never been able to find Mr. Emerick(spelling?) to thank him but I give me thanks to you!
@@dnk4559, Thank you for your heartfelt response. It's very much appreciated. I believe “Mr. Emrick” would be proud to know how appreciative and reflective you have become. Know that you are worthy of every blessing that comes your way, and I wish you many.
I can't put into words how absolutely ****validated**** I feel rn. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I grew up in the anti-love family. No one has ever fully understood or believed me when I said I grew up not loved and hated. Hearing someone else put it in words so perfectly is validating alone, but coming from a trauma therapist is so comforting and really, thank you!!!
I had a romantic partner who, when little, was told by their mom: "No one will ever love you." Once you've heard such cruelty from a parent at such a tender age, you really face a huge uphill climb. I hope you find love because you deserve it.
When I started to tell people about my life at home (which I was told not to), people have either gotten really angry, very shocked or cried. I never knew my life was not normal, so I just took everything very lightly even though it was destroying me. What’s funny is my life is a mix of about three of these.
It is really strange to talk about your family with other people. I know the statistics but I don't actually believe there are families where children are not physically struck or yelled at. People can tell me and I just don't believe them. I got a dog last year and it is the first dog I've ever gotten as a five week old puppy. Now a year old he's fearless, affectionate and well trained. He is so much more trusting then the shelter dogs I usually take home (don't get me wrong, shelter dogs are awesome). I think it is because I never was nasty with him and never would think of striking him. He's not even afraid of brooms or rolled up newspapers! ...So I try to think of him when I think about the possibility that some kids are raised without violence.
Right? I always talk about my childhood very lightly, and people always give me these looks. It's shocking, because I just assumed that it was normal, especially since my extended family was the same as my parents. Or even when I talk about my school life and my peers, people stare at me in shock. I just go "What? It's a funny story! That never happened to you?" and they're like "Uh...no?" and it's super weird to me. I feel like it has to be funny though, both my family life and school life, because otherwise it'd be just sad, so it has to be a funny story, you know? Like, everyone's childhood was funny, they have funny stories, so I want my childhood to be funny too, I want to look at it with laughter, even if I have to laugh at something fucked up.
I lied so much as a child. my addiction ridden family expected loyalty from us kids, even though there was none in return. their criminal lifestyle forced me to be secretive and silent for so many years. to this day I feel guilt when telling the truth about my past.
@@TejubescDM pain is no competition and your perspective is vailid no matter what! there will always be people "who have it worse" but this mindset does not help those people or yourself. you have every right to get help and get better!
I just turned 30 and for some reason i started grieving my childhood. I had a mix of a couple of these systems but ultimately my mom was a raging narcissist and my dad was a belligerent alcoholic. They act like what i went through was normal or "not that bad" because they compared their lives to mine (and they were even more abused but still, i learned that that was minimizing and dismissive). I'm trying everyday to retrain my brain to not be a victim but to rise above it. It's hard but I'm hopeful
That’s about right- the age when you get a chance to look back and evaluate what happened and why. I remember this for myself. Exactly, the same. I did however address my parents around this age maybe 35, and they still denied it all and dismissed the damages. Actually, attacking with avoidance and verbal abuse. That was when I knew I was orphaned all along. My parents were strangers my entire childhood. Sad situation.
I cut off the blood relatives who gave me severe issues a few years back, but my healing journey really only started after I turned 29. I've been in therapy for about 3 years. But even then I still get pangs of overwhelming emotion, I just know how to deal with it better, and I'm not drowning anymore - so to speak. I was driving home fairly recently and had to pull over because it hit me that I was completely robbed of a childhood and that I never had a mother. I had to take the time to let myself grieve not having a mum. That's part of the process - literally processing it.
I want to start therapy but I am always scared that my family life was "not traumatic enough". My father was depressed and constantly drinking not caring about us abusive etc but my mother and my sister are my everything I couldnt love anybody more than them so I am always confused like:"Others dont even have a good relationship with their siblings" :/
@@ede2362 I was worried about that to start with as well, but after going through it I realised just HOW traumatic it was for me. There is no judgement between one trauma and another. They're both trauma. Take care of yourself and go, mate. Also just a bit of advice from my dad; "Therapists aren't all the same. You might not click with one but you will with another. It usually takes about 3 sessions to feel at ease with them, and if you don't trust them there's no harm in looking around for another. But you have to be comfortable enough with them to tell them *everything*."
Anti-love. Ding ding ding! My mother acted out her own family drama. Like her, I was the scapegoated oldest girl, my brother the middle child was the golden child and the youngest, my sister, was the flying monkey. I don’t feel wrong for being grateful that my mother has been dead 4 years now. I have no contact with my younger sister and limited contact with my brother. BTW, my brother and sister have pretty much collapsed since her death, into drugs, alcohol and general ill health. They remain very reliant on one another. I am ok. I run a non-profit horse rescue, manage 40 horses, a lesson and show program, two huge barns, 26 acres, a large and pretty farmhouse where we regularly host barn parties. did this on my own and am proud of it. I often wonder though how far I would have gone if I came from a healthy family. I thank God every single day that I broke the cycle with my two children.
Insane. My family is absurdly similar. And I run a small quail farm. LOL. Maybe there’s something about caring for animals thats healing. They are simpler than dealing with humans.
Congratulations! I am the scapegoat in my family. I finally went no contact. I have had too many decades of drama and abuse. I have decided to live my life free of my toxic family.
I can see this decline happening to my brother after my parents die. He 's single as well but far too enmeshed with them. Im the scapegoat and ive dealt with most of the grief in the past. I have teenage kids and im just used to this situation.
I wish I could have this guy as my therapist. *Chaos, toxic divorce and agressor+codependent* Moved probably 20 times. Still haven't unpacked after 2 years. Codependency, rage, guilt, shame, confusion, lack of direction etc. For those reading this. It gets better with work and time. Dont give up. You are not irreparably broken. I cannot beleive I've never read or heard about this. After so books and videos never has anyone given this information. This guy deserves a freaking 🏅 medal!
@@LexiA0327 thank you so much for the support. I'm so sorry you had to experience those things in your life. I hope you find all the support and live the world has to offer❤ You are valuable. Hugs back
me too I don't know why it's so hard for us to find therapists that are this knowledgeable for ourselves, I wanna get a new one. There's a book on Amazon that is called complex PTSD, it's a blue book with puzzle pieces on it, and there's a matching workbook to go with it, so far I'm really liking it. at the end of each chapter it gives you a coping skill to try, and it can be a little triggering to read but it's worth going the extra mile for. I hope you are doing good as well and thank you for the encouragement!
@@breakingpoint3893 it is weird. Why is cptsd and ptsd so mystifying for theralists. Its like most cant even identify it. Everyone I've ever met with ptsd was misdiagnosed at some point, including myself. Thanks for the tip on the book. I'd picked it up and was hesitant because I just didn't know if it would help. I'm so glad to hear it does! Thank you. I'm lucky and can somewhat function now thanks to emdr. It turned my life around big time. I hope you find love, support and an awesome therapist. Dont give up! Big hug from a sister with cptsd!
My mother was extremely overly critical and unreasonable, she got SO MAD when I didn't just automatically understand how to do my own laundry at 11 years old, told me to "figure it out" and just walked away. She'd snap her fingers in my face, hit me, scream at me, simply for daring to not understand things as if I did it on purpose somehow. I'm now worried that I accidentally picked a partner that treats me the exact same way. If I don't hear instructions the first time or do something perfect the first time I'm met with the *exact* same anger (sans physical violence, but screaming ect.) and it's extremely triggering. I'm really not sure what to do now after this revelation, I live with my partner
It's good that you recognize it and are aware now. You might be re-living your trauma. Maybe you can have a conversation with them about how this is triggering, or work your way into leaving the situation. I ended up leaving an emotionally abusive partner I lived with, but it took some help along the way. Don't be afraid to ask others for help and perspective into the situation.
All too often those of us who grew up in abusive households become a magnet for people who will abuse us in the similar ways. You don't deserve to be treated badly . You need to consider your future because you matter. If needs be, leave him, get counselling, and break the cycle. Get yourself a better quality of life.
That treatment is abusive and not acceptable. I don't need to hear any more context to know that definitively. People can be abusive on purpose or accidentally. Some people can control themselves and choose not to. Others can't control themselves. None of that changes the amount of trauma it will give you. Even if someone is trying their best or their intentions are good, that behavior still remains abusive and is traumatizing. Sometimes behavior is contextual - one of their past partners could tolerate outbursts just fine, it didn't impact them. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't abusive to a different partner who has different triggers. It can still be abusive. Said all that to say, it's not black and white. Don't try to justify abuse away just because it's not all bad. It's your job to take care of yourself first. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you here (obviously the other person should just not behave that way), but pragmatically as an adult you choose what situations to experience and which situations to get rid of*. *for the MOST part If you're in a place where you can easily tolerate or help someone else's behavior, great. But if you're not, don't. It's not your responsibility or your fault at the end of the day. We're all responsible for ourselves. tldr move out when you can
I hate that this absolutely does resonate with me. I spent all of my 20's in the throes of opiate addiction, my early 30's were spent in prison, jail, and other institutions. I did not go to school as a child and was raised on the ass end of the Appalachian mountains and spent time in foster care. To be succinct, I could barely function as a human, let alone an adult, until 4 and a half years ago when I got out of prison and made the choice to try and go to a community college. I failed remedial classes at first but I just finished two years on my 40th birthday and have a 3.56 gpa and I will graduate this next year. These videos have offered me a look into myself and a way to delve into the core of what has caused my issues. Thank you Patrick.
I've gone to therapists off and on over the years, giving them a really solid try each time (six months or more). None were able to identify the dysfunction of my family as clearly and concisely as this dude on youtube whom I've never met, and all within ten minutes.
It's not really the therapist's job to do that. You go to them with what is bothering you and they help guide you through it. Their job isn't to predict your past traumas. Their job would be, for example, to discuss the parts of this video that resonated with you personally, after you bring it up to them.
@@JKirkis9 Why should I pay someone $150 an hour if they don't even have the basic insight to say, "Hey, that thing your parents did is pretty fucked up"? If I just want someone to stare and nod at me while I elucidate exactly how and why and to what degree my family was dysfunctional, I can put a blowup doll in a rocking chair without the hourly rate. You seem to be unaware of the fact that growing up in a dysfunctional family means that you take a lot of this crap for granted as "normal" because 1. as a kid you have no other frame of reference and 2. chances are you've been consistently gaslit not to trust your own experiences.
My experience with my mother has made me terrified to ever have children. I’m asexual and gay so if I do plan to have kids it will not be by accident. I’m just terrified of treating my child how my mother treated me, or how I treated my sister’s because of how she treated me. It also has me scared for my partner, I don’t want to hurt them without realizing how I’m acting.
I felt the same. I have a smallie who takes me for granted and I love it. He doesn't know that love can be limited or transactional and his confidence is incredible. All you can do is be aware. If you want children down the line its perfectly possible to break a generational trend . You deserve love and happiness whatever you decide to do with your life. No need to take your moms baggage with you. ❤ I wish you all the absolute best things in the world for your future!
I agree. My upbringing was great on paper, best house compared to friends, new cars, dad in good well paying job, stay at home mum, “on paper”, I looked damn lucky. 57 years later still trying to work thru it.
My dad was like a ship in the night as a railroader who was gone for most of my childhood, and my mother was a looks good on paper. I never knew that the reason I've struggled with social anxiety and depression my whole life was due to my lack of love as a child until I found this channel. Thank you so much. I can't wait to be a father and love my kids like I wasn't.
I have several friends who grew up in the "looks good on paper" household. They all share several unique traits. They know how to model kindness and empathy (which is often more like sympathy), but it isn't genuine. They don't know how to be intimate as they tend to shut down when emotional discussions arise. They might be good listeners, but they don't know how to share intimacy in return. They are completely "armored up" emotionally and will never take emotional risks. Their greatest sources of comfort is that they have done the right thing, their lives are NOT messy emotionally/relationally/aesthetically, and they have rarely been hurt emotionally.
True. I know similar people- they also tend to be high achievers and religious but hurt many people in getting to attain all the achievements. Most move on without care, and pretend their families are amazing and if you openly speak about yours- they show the "sympathy" but never talk about theirs. They have victim mentality and blame games. They usually are takers, and think pain is completely normal and nobody should care to heal. Everyone needs to heal, except them haha...
@@bmccameron7642 He's talking straight facts. But if you want to view your toxic upbringing in a way that makes you a victim that can't achieve anything then by all means, continue.
"Well dad's moving out, we're moving on, who wants Chucke E Cheese?" Is probably the best way I've ever heard to explain my life as a child. Thank you. Thw whole video is very interesting, but that sentence stuck with me the most
The “Looks Good on Paper” mixed with the Aggressor + Codependent Basically I’m a confused, depressed & anxious ball of perfectionism and hyper vigilance now who has little to no sense of personal identity
Been a teacher for 20 years now, working with hundreds of kids and even more parents. Everyone asks what the secret sauce is (ie what is the secret to success in the best kids). It’s so funny because the best, most successful, well adjusted kids, come from so many different kinds of families/social classes/etc. the only constant I’ve seen is the parents, continually, and sincerely TRY. They screw up, but then the get up and try again. They focus on helping the kids though each challenge and constantly adapt. The result is usually kids who can say my parents didn’t do it all right, but I accept and forgive them for their mistakes, and am grateful for the work they did and what they got right.
The bit about seeing your friends or partner having a loving relationship with their family and that feeling foreign really hit me. My partner has a very loving family, and they tried to start including me in that love early on but it made me so uncomfortable. Thankfully they also understood when my partner explained some about my own family and they just always made room for me while giving me space. I never knew families could actually love one another so... unconditionally before. I mean they have their issues but they're kind and supportive. My family always acted like family was important until it was inconvenient or someone isn't going along with the illusion, then you're punished
I relate to this reply, I was astounded to see families interacting in a loving way. I had a ‘what’s going on here’ kind of feeling. Some very small incidents in my past stuck with me and I couldn’t understand why they were stuck in my memory. I now know that it’s because they were tiny acts of kindness by strangers and I wasn’t used to people noticing or caring about me.
I agree with this so much. I’m 27 and I get so uncomfortable whenever I see my boyfriend be so loving and affectionate with his family. I once witnessed my boyfriend dancing with his mother at a bar where there was live music…..and all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was feeling while watching them. I felt jealous that my boyfriend is so confident and happy in life to the point where he can dance with his mom in front of random strangers. Does that make me crazy? Most likely. But I’m so grateful to have him in my life because he’s given me genuine love that I haven’t received from my family.
@@stolensilver6963 Yes, you are correct, remembering back how a neighbor invited me to sit in her living room, because the bus stop there every am. Gave me away to be free from a sick parent.
I was born highly sensitive but grew up in an anti-love dynamic. I was honestly a bit of a monster that had issues with empathy as a kid until I was taught by really teaching myself through isolation and losing all my friends from my actions that the way you treat people can effect them greatly - now I really treasure empathy and emotions and the energy of others. It's a skill like any other and you do not have to be like those you're surrounded by. You genuinely can be who you chose to be.
I learned a lot about love, empathy and respect from tv series / movies. I always wished to find 'my tribe' one day, the people who genuinely care about each other.
“If I am miserable, you should be too” Well fuck that describes my whole family when it comes to my father.. If he’s in a bad mood or upset then everyone is.. 😕
Same. Me and my sister, we're doing the same after a whole childhood of being made to feel "grateful" and that we had to "give back" for all the "sacrifices" our parents made for us.
The first time I was allowed to go over to a friend's house and stay the night I was 11. When I witnessed how genuinely warm this family was with one another, I was shocked. Literally shocked. I had never seen anything like this. I could not believe that the other kids in my friend's family (including my friend) were allowed to express their unedited ideas without interruption, sneering, yelling, or retribution if it didn't match their parent's ideas on the subject. I couldn't believe the adults limited themselves to just one glass of wine with dinner. I could not believe they had such a beautiful table layout with matching silverware and fresh flowers and dishes that people passed to one another in turns. It seemed odd that everyone did something to clean up the table afterwards, including the Dad doing dishes and loading the dishwasher.... I thought that my family's 'AntiiLove"/'Chaos" Dynamic was normal. My question is: What percentage of people do you think come from acutely dysfunctional families? Is it 1 in 5? 3 of 10? By acutely dysfunctional I mean beatings, neglect, silent treatments, using children as slave labor, patriarchal subservience, yelling, moving multiple times, codependency, and the like. Thanks!
I think usually when you meet a complete a-hole they are somebody who has suffered all their life and been shown a dysfunctional model of interaction with others... I would also be really interested to know how many people are raised in these environments.
I had something similar, which made me fully realize how toxic the situation I was in was. I remember going to a friend's place, and her and her mom were "fighting". Their fighting was being respectful and maybe a little passive aggressive. But they gave each other space and handled it like adults. Now, I was devastated at this. For my situation, their worst fighting day was my best day ever with my parent. Our fights would escalated to me breaking a chair over their knees to get them off of me. I was absolutely shocked to see what normalcy looked like.
anyone else had those parents who would scream and yell and get very violent at eachother and/or yell a lot at there kids and then proceed to tell the kids/kid who had to witness all of it "it wasn't that bad / its normal were not abusive we don't hit you"
Before the divorce, my mom would take my dad’s things to the garage and smash them with a mallet. When I would cry and ask what was wrong, she said everything was fine and he deserved to have his things broken.
Mine did that. And then later, when I was a teen, and angry or sad over something, it was like, "Oh, you don't feel that way." Way to invalidate what was *really* going on, mom and dad.
Talking about the physical reaction to others fighting really hit me like a brick… for me hearing raised voices in another room of the house (if im in the basement and hear loud voices upstairs) makes my heart start pounding and adrenaline floods my system. My body is put into total alert mode and it takes me a while to relax when it happens. Also the part about not feeling like healthy marriages/relationships are real really hit me too. I remember every time id see my friends happily married parents i would always tell myself that they MUST be secretly fighting and miserable. To this day i still get that feeling from time to time when I see friends or family friends in relationships. Never went to therapy or have really talked to anyone about my parents divorce but after watching this video I think it might be time I talk to someone.
I left a whole cart of food in the grocery store line because two customers were getting into an argument & as soon as they began raising their voices I panicked and left the store. I had 2 bratty siblings with horrible tempers & they would scream & say abusive things to one or both my parents … my parents would either give in or try to walk away. I can’t stand arguments to this day & avoid them at all cost.
Married parents can give toxic divorce and single parent energy. My parents fought all the time and both tried to make me side with them against the bad one. My mom constantly mourned what her life could have been if she wasn't stuck with a baby. But she was 28 and married for four years when I was born.
same here. as i child i always begged that my parents would get divorced but they stayed together "for the kids" and it ended up being way more harmful to us.
fr though its all about "oh your father is like this" "oh your mother is like this" they say it so casually that i just accept it. they dont blame me, they blame eachother. it feels like they're passively trying to get me to choose a favorite before they eventually divorce. they don't treat each other badly though, its just banter. i dont really view it like that since they usually look like they're joking
This was my family. They "stuck together" but it was a resentful and antagonistic dynamic and mum started bemoaning to me about how shit her life had turned after marrying dad.
@@chelsealex19 all I can say from experience is that, at first it seems harsh and wrong. But the long term benefit of not having to carry their burden is life changing. And my family is all the better for it. I am all the better for it.
THAT right there sounds like my mother's parents and well... she didn't do such a good job raising me and my brother either. She has borderline and is always much too occupied with her own emotions, always in the victim role and constantly(!) fighting with my father about anything and everything on a daily(!) basis for now more than 35 years...
Growing up, I was instilled with the saying 'it can always be worse'. I knew there was something wrong, but if I dare spoke about it, anyone in my family at the time would tell me to either 'get over it' or 'be lucky you have this, it could always be worse'. That said, I would describe the family I grew up with as an amalgamation of the Anti-Love/Toxic Divorce/Aggressor+Co-Dependant traits. My old man was and had to be the center of it all and he thought his way of showing his love and appreciation was to buy material things, even when we were poor, all the time. When he was not getting his way or something was upsetting him, he had violent tendencies and took out a lot of them on us, especially my brothers. He would also talk a lot of shit about anyone and anything, from my mom to his baby momma to his own kids. I was even told that I would never amount to nothing and I've grown up to become worthless. To him, I was a failure because I didn't live up to his standards, not because there could be something else going on (I am autistic but didn't think on it up until recently), but because I was lazy, dumb, and not talented at art because there's no money to be made from that. But, you know, 'it could always be worse'. He has since passed away for over a decade now, but any of us who had to deal with that situation are struggling in our own ways that we're more separate then before (and that was made worse due to the pandemic). In a way, he still lives rent-free in my head when my mental health tanks. I worked in minimum wage dead-end jobs until that broke me (again, pandemic made it worse and also because these jobs are extra stressful for autistic people) and now I struggle in finding a job. But, again, 'it could always be worse'. Except... I'm starting to think that might not be the case. I've only discovered your channel recently, but it made me think of a lot of things. It's a lot to unpack and the realization that I'm not at fault for a lot of things that happened to me is slowly dawning on me. I've become way too good at keeping things on the inside that I'm at a point where I feel that I cannot say anything to anyone, not even my mom or anyone that is close to me. To confront these realizations are scary, stressful and makes me want to cry a lot, but I've kept things bottled up for too long, you know. I'm sorry for this giant wall of text, but if anyone reads this, thank you. Take care of yourself.
I can relate too.... so sorry you have to experience this. My abusive parents’ voice and their glares and threats also live in my head rent-free and I also struggle tremendously in life even tho I have a “good education” that looks good on paper. But I feel sad and empty and deadened a lot bc of all the internalized shame and pain of growing up with no love but only shameful behavior and messages. I do not miss my parents at all. I live far far away from them now but still can’t get their abusive images out of my head.
Ahhhh yes, the all good on paper. I will say - while this was the case during childhood/teemage years, my mother seemed to recognize the issue in early adulthood and it became a free-for-all. It flipped and became "scream the disfunction from the rooftops if it makes you feel better!" That was very liberating!
Same! But the “scream the dysfunction from the rooftops” was preceded by-and prompted by-a toxic divorce, lol sooo the outpouring of “wow this is all so messed up” was kind of itself messed up, at least as I experienced it.
I never even realized my family was toxic until we all moved into a 1 bedroom apartment together, and suddenly I realized with horror that I couldn't stand to be around my own family for more than minutes at a time.
That's my husband and his sister...can stand each other 1 week maximum ! In my case, me and my sister...get along better once we grow up...as children we were fighting for toys or whatever all the time ....😂🤣😂
@@yazminelle8331 I can’t stand my sister in-law she’s so toxic! She’s very narcissistic, vain and a drama queen. I’m always hearing that she has an issue with someone, and yet plays the victim to her parents..
Everything was like "maybe?" Until the single parent, which my parents aren't divorced, but my father was so neglectful and uninvolved that my mother was raising 4 children, working, and running the house on her own, so the "you didn't ask to be a burden, and being treated as a confidant was really spot on
I was raised by a single mum on the poverty line, and I always knew that meant my childhood was a little harder than most. But now at 23 having moved out and started to figure out my life a bit, I'm only just starting to process how traumatic so much of my childhood was. Hearing you talking about the limited single parent and parents having contempt for their kids "ruining their life" was so incredibly validating. I feel like I can finally go into an counciling session now and atalk through this stuff, and know I wasn't imagining it.
The parent using their kids as a confidant is seriously affecting me. I’m too selfless at times and have a hard time acknowledging and validating my own feelings. And im at a point where I’m almost feel like I can’t tell my mom how it feels bc I’m her confidant. The superhero apology makes sense. Thankfully my dad came and saved me. Go dad
I am dealing with this. I am afraid because I don't want to be like me mother. I want to have an amazing relationship with my son. I want it with all my heart.
It's boring, and you can try, and that could be both your goals but you cannot fix the other broken person. Because 9 times out of 10 ....your with someone like your parent. This takes very conscious people, and the knowledge it will not be perfect it will be better than what you were raised on. Changing family patterns is hard, and a choice most days.
No pressure to answer, but can i ask what cult you were raised in? I don’t know if that is a weird or inappropriate question to ask, if it is, I am sorry!
@@Margaretj13 For me it was Islam. Very backwards form of Christianity in hindsight (also after talking to Christian individuals), powered by shame and backed by a toxic sense of community and other-ing
i personally experienced a mix of “looks good on paper” and “anti-love” which resulted in me having a fun combination of extremely high standards and hatred for myself. i have struggled for years to believe that i am a good person, that i am worth loving, and that i still will be loved even if i make a mistake. as an adult i’m very sensitive, and at the first sign that anyone is disappointed or upset with me i completely crumble. but having moved away from my parents & getting therapy, things are definitely getting better. so to anyone out there experiencing something similar- you are good and you are worth loving, even if you don’t always feel like it. the inherent value you have will not go away because you don’t live up to a standard. and finally, it’s okay to be upset that you were taught the opposite. it’s okay to be angry. you deserve to acknowledge that how you were raised was wrong, and you deserve to heal from it.
Thank you for saying this. I’m literally crying right now because I’m so stressed. I have CPTSD, and it’s kicking my butt today. I definitely struggle with feeling like I’m not a good person, perfectionism, and with wondering if I’m worth loving. Today especially. But when I saw this, the tears started rolling and I felt so angry… So angry for the emotional and sometimes physical neglect, so angry for the sibling violence I witnessed and experienced, so angry for my older brother repeatedly sexually abusing me… so scared and angry for all the health issues and unexpected traumatic events I’ve lived through. I am just so angry… and tired. And that’s okay. It’s okay that I’m freaking angry for not having the safety and security, the emotional love and connections I should have had growing up, because now that I see what I’ve lived through, maybe for the first time, I can finally heal these wounds. Maybe… I can learn to thrive and overcome the odds, because I’ve already survived, so I know I’m resilient and resourceful. Now I just need to learn better coping and life skills that I didn’t get to while growing up.
This. So much. For me, love was never unconditional and I often feel unlovable. It's the one thing I have sworn to myself my kids would never feel like. I tell them I love them, no matter what, all the time. And I mean it. I'm not a perfect mom by a long shot, but my kids know I'm in their corner and nothing they can do or say will make me stop loving them. There are no conditions to meet, no hoops to jump through. They deserve the kind of love I didn't get to have.
just as I was about to move out of my parent's house pandemic hit? I lost the two jobs I held as my last resource to land on my feet and had to postpone this ultimate goal to the foreseeable future if anyone ask how haven't I gone mad I have no answer I probably did, but just continue to live with some degree of normalcy just waiting for the unconscious demon to wake up and screw me again
Wow, my family modeled all those systems over time. I knew we were "off" but never realized how much of an impact it had. Probably why my brother and I never had children. Very grateful I have had the opportunity to get help to resolve the trauma and release the past. Hugs, to all the other who grew up like this. You all deserve so much more. Love and light.
Looks Good On Paper. I was never allowed to express negative emotions as a kid. I wasn't allowed to be sad, or angry, or disappointed, or frustrated. My mom told me that those kinds of things make Jesus unhappy, and that's the worst thing anyone can do. I was always getting in trouble for crying, which made me cry more, which meant I got more punishment. Eventually I learned how to suppress my crying, to the point where I'm still basically incapable of crying to this day. By the time I reached my teen years, I was just a walking mess of suppressed emotions, which caused a few mental health issues. I still get pretty bad anxiety any time I try to express myself, especially with any negative emotions. I wish I could just leave all that baggage behind forever, but for now I'm just taking whatever steps I can, including writing this comment. Also thanks for acknowledging that this stuff can apply to non-hetero families, that's something a lot of people overlook.
The part about Jesus sounds like triangulation. Jesus was the victim (of you), your mother was the savior (hey, that's Jesus's job!) and you were the perpetrator. I am sorry that happened to you. By the way, your mother clearly misunderstood Jesus. He would have offered you kindness in times of grief, not cause you more grief. Take care.
@@sophiareed8266 as someone who grew up in a religious household, I've never thought of it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. It felt like Jesus was a cop out for me being ashamed of myself, perpetrated by my parents.
lol i was GROOMED to go to nursing school. By my whole nuclear AND extended family. I was never allowed any emotion (even happiness lol mom said my excitement abt stuff is not needed, it doesnt look good etc etc) so I’m so emotionally stunted i can’t even cry. Literally can’t. My sis and i both have anxiety and depression and can’t express ourselves properly. I personally cannot keep a relationship. It’s just been shiiiiit hahaha
My grandma was the exact same way. She watched me a lot as a small child since both of my parents were working at the time, and she raised me pretty much the exact same way. You're not alone in this, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I hope you're doing better, best wishes to you.
My mother's favourite words was "I brought you here and you'll be nothing without me" 😂. I proofed her wrong. I walked away from my dysfunctional family and narc mother and got my own home and started my own family and moved on with my happy life without them.
Yeah, but watch that you don’t become like your mother. Your mother was probably toxic because her parents were, and the past generations can really predict how you’ll raise your child.
Same here. Sending you strength ❤ I'm so scared I'm going to mess my little girl up somehow. I'm doing everything I can to heal and educate myself so she doesn't have to suffer the same way I did. Its so hard.
3 роки тому
maybe introducing your child to the behaviours of a toxic parent may help? so they can recognise if you unintentionally do any of them.
Glad it's not just me honestly, I went down the list and one by one got a big yup for all of them and was like what the hell 😅 did my mother read the manual or what? Wishing you well. We're healing by recognizing the breadth of what we went through.
I really appreciate that you don't just describe these family types but you do it compassionately and you provide some guidance with what to do with the information. Versus some UA-camrs, with very high credentials, provide very charged info about narcissism or toxic families and then leave the listener with a lot of intense information. Good stuff.
They are also usually obsessed with their daughters not having sex. This is why Catholics are the best lovers. If we're going to get punished for having sex, we may as well have an awesome time doing it!
Definitely, can't take art without the fear of letting everyone down. Don't want to become a nurse or a doctor it's too much and expensive. Either that or join the military for their papers.
It's rather difficult to accept... The moments that were healthy were so precious and magical, I have such gratitude for them, and so it feels treacherous to view my upbringing as "toxic" or "unsafe" or "traumatic." Yet these videos keep proving applicable enough to get me crying, so needless to say, I'm evaluating the bizarre course of my adult life in an uncomfortable new light. Thank you, I think.
It's good that you can still cry. And that you can still hold the good things close to you. I am 41 and completely bitter about my family abuse system. Thankfully, my husband and I are both working so hard to break our family cycles together for our kids.
I resonate with this. The awesome great moments vs the terrible toxic moments….being the first born and an ENFP I thought a great deal of my mother….and my mother was loved by everybody I believed she loved me very much but she struggled with addiction and as an adult the rosed colored glasses I viewed her through were shattered. The reality of the back and forth, up and down…great times and sad times really did a number on me, but I am growing/healing but it’s an emotional journey forsure
The thing is we need a real family to be happy and we don't even realize most of the time we don't have a solid family usually the test is when stuff goes bad or you break with whatever weak principles the family works off of
Not a single person in my family was cluster B, and none, on an individual basis, were all that bad, but together, they can be absolutely horrible. My family were experts at winning an argument. Several accused me of always arguing fairly as an insult, like, "Ah ha! Gotchya!". "You do realize, where I'm coming from, you guys just gave me a compliment of honor and integrity?" They'll make you feel like you did something bad and deserve punishment one day, and a week later, they'll mock and belittle you for being kind and "naive". I could go on and on but what really gets me is I'm convinced none of them are bad people, just mentally twisted.
Most family systems arent textbook evil cults of abuse, so its not unusual to have a few very nice memories. My parents didnt plan to be toxic, they are no narcissists. But they made mistakes after mistakes and continue to do so. We still shared some really nice memories and we still love each other. A lot of things just could have been better.
Looks good on paper.. my parents are seemingly great people and everyone loves them. They keep up appearances on facebook and appearing like great church goers. When it comes to parenting, absolutely emotionally absent. What made me so angry is my mom would cry when family or friends came over about how worried she is but to my face she is emotionally absent and emotionally does not make any space for talking about my feelings or how I’m doing. As long as I went to school and didn’t make the kitchen dirty was all that matters. I’m 25 and moved out for a long time but she still never asks how I’m doing. As long as she looks good on Facebook...
I often wish my parents would just leave me alone like that, I grew up with the opposite of this, where every visceral emotion was ready to fly at a moment’s notice, from my mom in particular, and constantly asking me to do things with or for her, which is good in moderation but I never felt I established a separate identity from her. When I moved out she’d text or call every day to ask what I was doing and if I was safe. I am 6’ and 175lbs muscular, but she acted like I was a permanent infant in need of her protection. I’m sure she had her reasons. Ironically the antidote to get her to ease up was A) for her to reach menopause and B) for me to start following her around and continually ask if she was doing alright, bringing her snacks and trying to help her with her hobbies. She seems to be starting to understand the ridiculousness of it now that I’m 27.
She sounds like a covert narc or sociopath or both. They are so sneaky about going around telling everyone how much they care & worry ab you while they’re in the middle of abusing or neglecting you. That way, you can’t ever seek help outside of them. No one would believe you. I’m glad you got out.
I really can’t believe how long it took me to realise that not being taught to clean up after myself is neglectful. Like I didn’t grow up miserable because I’m dramatic and controlling, I was miserable because I literally was not supposed to be in that environment and it’s not normal that my mother didn’t mind HERSELF being in that environment.
I finally understand. Chaos system - Born and raised in a war zone (Bosnia) - alcoholic father - codependent mother - parentified, emotional support for my mother, but also infantilized when became an adult - enmeshed, no boundaries 17 years of struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dissociation, being overly medicated... Felt utter helplessness and shame all my life. Finally I can understand why. Thank you!
Wow. My own family was a combination of Ships In The Night and Anti-Love. There was no sense of family or support, a constant feeling of survival, and this lasted through adulthood. Ultimately I decided in my late-40s that if I was going to be alone I might as well do so without the constant hostility and this led to estrangement from my family.
I'd describe the Ships in the Night and Anti-Love combo as, "Having kids is 'fine' until any of their needs actually inconveniences the adults." Don't be emotional, don't ask for money or rides, and minimize your presence in the house as much as possible.
On the "Looks good on paper" is it also possible that because the child has been constantly criticized, that they end up becoming very defensive about any criticism they receive as adults?
The "looks good on paper " one is a very very violent one...coz they are all about appearances...all about what people are going to think of us if we show who we really are...pretty violent....always hiding behind masks....they know how to hide who they truely are....awful...and dangerous
This is definitely my mother I'm afraid. To the point that I think her incapable of self reflection to see if an action she has done or neglected to do has hurt someone. Any type of criticism or opinion on something she doesn't want to accept usually becomes met with a wall of deflection and character assassination. But this is not obvious to the general public as she is very good at keeping up the stereotypical good appearance of a parent in providing a good home and food.
My mum screamed once, 'It's HER fault I had to marry him!!' She was talking about me. It was my fault, because I was a foetus.....I don't think so, love 🙄
Your mom is a child lashing out, just like mine is. It's so silly when you actually step back and look at the absurdity of their words, rather than taking them personally. Good on you :D
When I first went to see my therapist and I heard that all the things I faced as a child were, in fact, abuse and it wasn't okay I let out all the tears I held in throughout my life. Growing up with a narcissistic mother was the worst, even now when I tell her about things that happened as a child she gaslights me. "that didn't happen" "you're making stuff up" "why do you make me feel so bad" "maybe I should've never been born so that YOU were never born"
I'm so sorry. 😞 my mom was cruel like that too...she blamed be for the troubles in her marriage ever since I was 7 years old. Any little thing that went wrong somehow someway ended up becoming MY fault because of something I have done. They were always so quick to point the finger, but if anyone were to ever try to make them see the unfair treatment they do unto others----- it's always "Oh yeah I know I'm such a terrible mother aren't I?" "Yep, I am so awful anything else? How about you tell me some more ways of how I'm just the worst mother in the world?" "Yep it's all my fault isn't it." The last one was so ironic to me...considering she always faulted me for everything. She was such a narcissist that I honestly don't even know if she thinks she was ever at fault for anything. I'm 28 now, moved out a while ago, and still she tries to pull shit with me. But I don't have to stand for it. I took about a year long break from speaking with her and didn't even tell her my new phone number, or address. Told my Dad and he didn't give them to her per my request thankfully. He felt terrible that he didn't stand up for me back then. Still does. His life would be made even worse if he did stand up for me and "get in the middle." But since he didn't, I was just left to take my mom's shit alone and it hurt me so much that my dad just stood by to watch. Sometimes she would "force" him to agree with her...so fucked. Lots of therapy. Looooots of therapy was needed to undo all that damage. My brother was the "golden child" my whole life. He was treated so well, and I was just my mother's emotional punching bag. Little did she know that her "good boy" molested me for years when I was young :(
Found this hard to watch both as a child from an abusive family but also as a parent who knows that they have brought up children in an unhealthy environment. During it I was struggling so much but I'm starting to see how my own kids' childhood has been affected.Even more sadness, guilt and shame added to the childhood amounts BUT really hoping to build a better life for all of us.Thank you for sharing it
I so relate to your post, I was raised in a very toxic home, and unknowingly traumatized my kids growing up because of my own upbringing and addictions I was trying to overcome. Forgive yourself and be the parent they need now, you can't change the past but you can help them heal! Good luck 🤞
I sent this to all my friends and played" which are you?" I trauma bond with all my relationships because I instinctively look for other bruised people.
Oh shi- i just sent this to my bff (who also lives in a dysfunctional household and we act as each other's therapist) and i told her 'hey i found your family' 😭😭
Same, my parents divorced when i was 11 (I'm almost 20 now), and since then I've been moving from house to house every week or so. I now live with my mother permanently, but I'm not really able to use my closet, since it still feels like i'll have to pack it all up someday anyway. I also struggled a lot with putting my clothes in the laundry, since I wasn't sure if it would be washed in time for me to use it again
@@evaleuverink911 you are a hero for coming to this realization so young. This is important work to do for ourselves and you're starting right now, rather than self-destructing or numbing out or choosing partners like your family. Good for you. You can do it.
When he introduced the chaos family, I though that was a dynamic that didn't apply to me, but then he went into the effects and described me perfectly. In my first apartment I didn't even bother acquiring a sofa until someone gave me one for free 4 months later.
I grew up with anti-love/chaos there were toxic divorce tones though they never divorced, or split up really- they just resented each other so much. There were “toxic single parent vibes” because we were so neglected that I as the oldest totally took over parenting my siblings And the aggressor+codependent was huge. It hurt so much when I realised my codependent parent was as bad or worse than my agressor parent
I absolutely had the toxic single parent and ended up helping raise my little brother . My mom would also talk bad about my dad who was dead, and then turn around and constantly tell me how much like him I was. It was confusing and hurtful.
This comment made me tear up a little because I relate to it in a way. Sometimes when my dad is really angry with me, he says he sees my mom in me. It's so horrible to use someone's parent as an insult. That person is a person, too.
my grandpa told me i looked so much like my dead grandma (who he cheated with btw) that he had to hex me 😐 i don't look like her, one of my sisters does, so idk why that comment was directed towards me...
Ah yes, this is because even though you have literally 50 percent of her genetic makeup, in her mind, you can't be her child, since her child wouldn't do this or that and would be "perfect", as in perfectly obedient. So she puts the blame of your "imperfection" on the other 50 percent of you: your father. Narcissistic mothers will do this when the spouse is dead or divorced them. Since they're no longer in the picture to serve their purpose.
My mother would go out and party, meet up with dudes meanwhile my little brother and I would basically be home alone all weekend. I cooked, made sure he was showering/brushing teeth, bed on time, trash etc then we would go to my dad's and he would just sit on the couch and... exist. Still had to take care of my brother. The only thing he did was talk shit about my mom and it worked for years. I hated her. Now I've seen the light and hate both...
Oh god, yeah, my single mom called my dad a sociopath repeatedly, and she would often bring it up and warn me not to be a sociopath, I still have paranoia about being socopathic or being a bad person, as a result I have been excessively agreeable and ashamed of my own desires in life to a degree, very hard to have relationships, I tend to sabotage it because I'm afraid that I will be a bad partner and repeat the pattern
Good on paper family sounds like -
"There is no war in Ba Sing Se..."
😁
Here we are safe, here we are free.
👍
I love this comment ❤️
BAHAHA
Whenever I heard the argument from parents who say “I clothed, fed, and gave you a home!!!” to their kids whenever they try to bring up something awful they did to their child, I always think this: You know who else clothes, feeds, and gives people a home? Prison. But they don’t do it out of love.
Literally what they are required to do. No rewards given for doing the bare minimum. Every person who chooses to be a parent signs up for 18 years of meeting all essential needs. No child should ever feel they owe their parents anything for having their basic needs met. Kids didn't choose to be born. It is 100% on the parents.
One day I was fighting with my father because at 18 he would still want to rule every single aspect of my life and make all the decisions. When I said „no, it‘s my life“ he said he fed me, dressed me and put a roof over my head and if I was so damn ungrateful for that I should pay him back all the expenses I costed him. For years he literally expected me to pay him everything back, even the money he spent on diapers!!!!!! Wth?????
Anyway, things got worse but after some years I could escape that hell and cut off any contact with them. I have been free and safe for 6 years now 🍀
@@wildcrocus my parents were by no mean perfect. Nor were they ideal as parents. They made a lot of mistakes. When I look back on their flaws I see them as just been human. When they say stuff like that they just reminding you of who's taking care of you. Nothing is wrong with that. And there's no law that says they have to be good parents. None! I mean it would be nice if they have good parents! That would be a plus! But it was common for dads to say he walked 12 miles in 6 ft of snow with no shoes on whenever you asked for new shoes to go with that one outfit you planned to wear on a date.
It was planned since birth that I work to pay their mortgage, not any other life. I had no choice. Once I found out I walked away.
My mom used to yell at this at me all time, and things similar to that. Once when I was about 16 I finally yelled back "it's not my fault you chose to have kids and then had to take care of them". She did not like that...My mom is a narcissist and always acted like my sister and I owed her everything. To this day if we argue she still says shit like "I'm the mother, you need to respect me" like yea, ok, your lucky we still talk. 🙄
I prefer to not have a child than have a child and hurt it.
amen
This is me rn. I used to really want kids, but years with my parents just made me not want to take that risk for the child's sake
@@gokuorimura8084 yes^
this. dont have a kid just to have a kid
I have my 2 boys, not because I wanted kids… I didn’t because of my upbringing… but since I have them I have tried my hardest to be nothing like my parents in every way. It has worked thankfully, but now that they are older my personality issues are coming back full force. 😞
Every time I go to someone else’s house and see how their family operates, I have the same thought: ‘they all seem to like each other a lot.’ The concept of a family genuinely enjoying one another’s company is so foreign to me.
looks good on paper fam;)
I agree. I know families who actually spend time together. My family? We're likely to kill each other. Not joking. I'm literally terrified of my brothers, who've been known point guns at each other's faces, had cops called because they were wrestling over the gun, etc. My sisters are almost as bad, except they've never pulled a gun on anyone, just started fights that get pretty bad, including physical. My family hates me, and the feeling is now mutual. Needless to say, we pretty much avoid each other at all costs. If I saw my brother or sister in a grocery store, I'd turn around and walk out before they spotted me lol. Seriously.
But then stay a week or two and you’ll soon have a toxic label for them too for not functioning to the perfect dynamic you’d wish for yourself.
maybe you’re the reason, give it some thought
@@turolretar who, me? Lmao. Yeah, I'm the reason they were shoving guns in each other's faces, when I lived and worked at least 200 miles away at the time. Geez. Pull your head out. Smdh.
The problem is the parents being parents when they are children themselves.
There was a certain point in my life whilst transitioning from a boy to a young man that I realized that no one actually knows wtf is going on, every adult is just an overgrown kid, still holding on to all the memories and feelings that we had when we were young and we're all just doing our best to help each other learn. That's why once you reach a certain age, you don't feel different w each passing year, because your physical growth has stopped and it's up to you to grow as a *person.*
Or just flat out unfit to take care of themselves let alone children.
@@OddWolf666 Everyone is still a child TO A CERTAIN EXTANT. Yes your childhood never leaves you and shapes your personality, but it is very much possible to digest it and make peace with it, and end up in a place where understanding what was going on then gives you at least a basic idea of what is going on now. That's what maturity means. People also call that adulthood, even though there's indeed a quiproquo. Being an adult in a mature sense doesn't mean no longer being a child, but rather no longer being JUST A CHILD. What Brandon was saying is that unfortunately, many people involve themselves in parenthood when they completely lack that maturity, and the undigested trauma or shortcomings from their own childhood - in which they're stuck emotionally - get in the way and prevent them from dedicating their mental energy to caring properly for another.
@Lena Medina just rough pal, wish I could help :(
@Lena Medina yup! My mom had me at 17, and my paternal grandmother was the one who told me how much her grandparents (my great-grandparents, who were wonderful) helped her out. My mom tried to take credit for SO MUCH that other people did for her.
As a child I was often told that I was mature for my age, and now I'm told the opposite. Oh how the turns have tabled.
Lol same
You had to be mature to survive your childhood, maybe?
Fkn SAME
Me too! Usually nowadays my parents tell me that I need to "grow up"
Bitch I'm 19 and barely coping shut the F*CK up.
Here's to healing! :)
Glad to hear im not the only one
I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that parentification isn't normal. It's such an embedded thing in my culture, people will applaud you for supposedly being mature for your age and understanding of your parent/s struggles. Like it's somehow a good thing to have lost your youth so young because you had to compensate for an absentee parent and an abusive single parent.
I felt this 😔
And the worst thing is, then my other family expect me to always act as adult, especially to their own children who aren't that far in age to me.
It's like, I don't have the right to be kid myself.
Absolutely!!
This really hurts knowing how much I relate to this. I have two parents, and they treat me well, or it feels like that but at the same time, being super mature is just expected, especially from me. I have to do well in school, I have to organize my own schedule, I cant accidentally say the wrong thing without being shamed. I cant express emotion without being told I was imature. It got to the point that by the time I was 12, acting 15 wasn't enough. I had to be 18. And the worst part is that my brother is expected to act perfectly normal for his age, just because he was younger. Another part of it that I think really impacted this was that my brother was loud, roudy, and attention seeking, and I was a lot quieter. I have this huge pressure to do well, to take care of my brother, to organize myself and cause my parents minimal stresss, and it just places this huge burden on me.
Yep, I have to act more mature than my parents, and that's been like that since I was...maybe 6? (Of course I couldn't, but I was punished for that) and at 11 or so is when I became more mature than them, and I never realized that was not normal until one year ago or so...
Its toxic shame usually disguised as perfectionism just when the slightest mistake happen these people plunge into deep shameful feelings that there whole identity is disturbed … you can be perfect but not attached to it that you deny life itself and emotions its crazy and inhumane
My family is a combination of Ships in the Night and Anti-Love.
I've told my spouse and therapist that my parents raised us like houseplants. We were physically cared for, but there was no real interest in us as people.
My friends, my hobbies, my emotions were treated with mockery, and I'm just starting to come to terms with how damaging that was.
@InterdactedI’m glad im not alone with this!
House plants…perfect definition.
Wow, the term “houseplants”….that hit me hard. That’s all I was.
@@dogscott7881 yup, raised like a houseplant, except I remember my dad did broke my toys and destroyed my favorite houseplant that I have been trying to grow with them, just because I didn't let him watch his show.
@affsteak3530 dear God, your comment is bang on accurate - houseplants.
My parents wanted to see fabulous flowers but they didn't talk to them... they didn't ask the blooms how they're feeling or what's going on. Just as long as the bloom is blooming they don't care.
When the bloom is wilting, they don't ask it if its okay, they throw it out, or pretend it's not performing and put a better houseplant in front of it....
Everyone calls it childhood trauma when it’s really life trauma. The trauma of a toxic or dysfunctional family never ends cause even as an adult you have to endure the trauma of walking away from a family or/and not having family support, or staying in the toxic and dysfunction. Either is trauma. People think it’s just in childhood. Nope that’s just when you have a higher probability of being dependent on family than an adult.
Thank you for saying this, as sad but true as it is
It’s also ongoing because emotions don’t just go away. Fear in childhood, terror on childhood, severe ongoing child abuse does such damage that victims carry it their whole lives. It causes complex PTSD, which basically ruins a person’s chances to live a normal life.
@@KaagrantI strongly agree... I have CPTSD, i was vaguely aware of the multiple mental/emotional/physical/sexual trauma's of my childhood but it didn't impact me until i was 63, ... i had a mental collapse and all the memories of my childhood surfaced in all their "glory". It took 3 years for the professionals to figure out what was going on and why i was losing awareness of the passage of time. Along with the CPTSD, there is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which didn't surprise me because i seemed to have the word "scapegoat" on my back for my entire life) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which did surprise me) with at least 14 separate alters identifiable at the time of diagnosis.
-- i was lucky, i ran into nurturing people as i grew up, women who could see that i was not getting the loving support it takes to have a mentally stable child . That probably kept me from mentally collapsing much earlier on, it was not until the last of my support system collapsed that i did.
@Tensay H a comment made by someone who was not abused as a child.
You can't just choose to walk away. That's like telling a depressed person to stop being sad.
I don't know what love is. That's not me being "oo edgy" that's me saying that I don't know the difference between an abusive relationship and a healthy one. I don't feel comfortable knowing people who don't hit me/berate me/demean me/otherwise abuse me. It's not some sort of sick BDSM masochism or anything, I just don't know how to exist otherwise. When people are nice to me, it is deeply uncomfortable because they will eventually "snap" and be even WORSE than usual, as I've been taught through my whole childhood. "Kindness is the calm before the storm." I can't live being treated nicely, it's terrifying. It's stressful, far more stressful than any beating can be. because beatings are honest, and they end eventually, but "kindness"... "Kindness" is usually a mask that's used to hide building aggression that will explode in unpredictable ways.
Even if I "choose to walk away" from my family, I will be abused by other people who are not family that I inevitably meet through my life. OR if by some miracle there are good people that find me valuable, I'll live in perpetually increasing panic as the days go on while this person does NOT abuse me, becoming more and more paranoid about how bad the outburst is going to be after all of this kindness is wasted on me. I get so stressed and paranoid that eventually, hanging out with these people (who don't abuse me for some odd reason), causes severe anxiety and I get to the point that I can't even be in the same room as them without breaking down and feeling like it's time for their aggression they've been hiding to come out. And since it's been so long that they've had to "hold back" there's a lot of "catching up" to do on correcting me.
My life has to be either abuse, constant anxiety that leads to broken friendships, or solitude. These are the only options available to me, due to my upbringing.
So explain to me how I'm supposed to choose to walk away.
@@jadecoolness101 How old are you dude?
When I told my parents to stop fighting:
"we are just discussing, honey"
*world word 3 is going on in the living room*
when i tried it was either them telling me that if i did one of my "crazy person crisis" (they were panic atacks lol) they would put me in an '""insane asylum'"" (yikes) or most of the time straight up COMPLETLY ignore me 😃
it was like i didnt existed like A GHOST, terrible 🤡
the worst thing is that this occured recently, im 20 now, they will never learn and this fact blows my mind :)
@@camila-qr7mv aww I'm sorry hun, I have panic attacks too and know exactly what it feels like, sometimes friends can be better then blood relatives, we can choose our own family now😊 hope you are doing okay 😊
my mother and her boyfriend always corrected me and said "no it's just an argument/disagreement sweetie :) every couple goes through this :) we're just so similar"; it was one of the few times I didn't take their advice and kept on calling it what it was: a fight. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I hope you know you that can trust your instincts! That's something I still have some trouble with bc of my experiences, but there's ways to heal from it
@@elidiac5045 we are a lot alike yes :) and I'm sorry you also had to go trough it as well, its so many of us with the same story, its rough and it is straight up fighting, I have always called it like I see it, I was never stupid enough to believe it was just "an argument" or "a discussion" when I was a kid. I used to wish I would never grow up, I didn't want to act like "an adult" (fighting and screaming) I'm just glad i turned out to be a good person. But I hope you are doing well too
My parents are just the same! They act as if they don't say the worst stuff to each other and make us feel as if we need to escape from the house
My girlfriend has a terribly abusive family. They only do the bare minimum when it comes to taking care of her, and whenever she comes to them with a problem, they call her selfish for "Making it all about her." She was even assaulted and traumatized, and her parents refused to get her the help she needed, and they made *her trauma* all about *them.* Her parents disgust me, and following her trauma, I had to do everything myself to help her. She lives abroad, but I still did more for her than her own mother and father did. I didn't really realize her family was abusive until my own father talked to me about his concerns seeing me isolate myself to focus on helping her. He said "It's great that you're there for her, but she should be able to rely on her parents for help," and I responded "Should or shouldn't, she can't. They refuse to help her." That was when it all clicked in my head that her parents were abusive. They don't hit her, they don't attack and harass her, they don't do anything like that, they simply don't seem to care about anyone but themselves, and that neglect is still abusive.
Thank you for making this video, I truly believe this will help her when she sees this.
similar situation here.
It’s great that you are helping her! Take care of yourself in the process also. I hope you two do well 😊
@@looweegee252 *Being* abused. And yeah, I'm trying to make her realize that. It's just hard when she's still dependent on her parents, so she can't really do anything because they can just go "If you don't like it, you can move out."
@@looweegee252 I wasn't arguing, I was simply adding the context that it is still ongoing.
@@nordinreecendo512 I really think you are doing a great thing helping her and I hope things steadily go for better for her and you two. It must be difficult for her to understand that most of her experience as a child was let's say "wrong", when that's the only reality she knows of. And it must be a very painful thing to consider that the very people who created you and who should be loving you more than anyone else in the world, are not providing you with the most basic support and are hurting you. Her mind would be probably fighting so hard against this painful thought. I guess it all comes down to helping her get really strong and realize that she matters, that her opinion and feelings are important and that she should have them... that she is smart and should not separate from her parents at any cost. I will keep my fingers crossed for you :-)
@Jake Ross Um.. why are you here? If you misunderstood that you were corrected and found that painful - that doesn't make it ok for you to make this conversation about you and repeatedly attack the person you misunderstood in the first place. I hope you resolve whatever is troubling you.
As an adult, my mom met a new friend of mine and commented - with true astonishment - “she really likes you”! That one comment told me everything about my childhood, and why I always felt like an alien in my family.
i'm so sorry , that is actually horrible
i hope ur still friends w that person
What? I dont understand
@@tulipsandpeaches1834 being suprised that anyone could possibly ever want her daughter's company is telling of her own attitude towards annie
Mine did that just recently with her old friend. I'm 63! She was so surprised that this respected friend ( who doesn't suffer fools gladly) thought my husband and I especially delightful 🤷
“if you’re vulnerable or sensitive they get entertainment out of that” The summary of my entire childhood as the youngest.
Same here, but I am the oldest.
Middle child, same.
My brother and I are so sorry for the way we teased our baby sis. For some reason when we were all little, we told her she was found in a garbage can. She’s never forgotten it. And we, to this day, regret it and have no idea where it came from. 🤦♀️
Mines too, as the youngest and only girl
middle child. same. youngest sister was actually raised to join in and became my worst bully for a few years
“You were sad. I took you shopping. Why are you still sad?”
When parents think they can fix any problem with money.
Godddd this hits close to home lol
OMG. THIS. My mom hit me and bought me 2 Airpods and some clothes. She thought that'd do.
My father in a nutshell❤
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
The first one “Looks Good On Paper” really hit home - very religious parents who saw problems as failures and weaknesses. When we told our parents we all had mental issues my mum responded “oh so it’s all our fault?! You are so ungrateful - I must be such a bad mum that all my 7 children are depressed! And I thought you had a happy childhood“
Reading this is sorta cathartic for me, had a very similar experience. I’d say my upbringing was a bit of a mix of one and two. Mom and dad were both very religious, socially conservative, but we were working class. Dad worked a lot, so much that I really don’t have many memories of him until I was around high school age. Eventually dad got a new job and promoted and we were living in a nice suburb going to a prestigious school. Apparently all this material wealth, which I really didn’t experience growing up anyway, was supposed to make up for me essentially raising myself when I was young. Then they get mad and say I’m ungrateful any time I bring up my perspective.
I relate the most about telling our parent we had mental issue, my mom literally said the same thing and then she wondered why i don't wanna be open to her
Threads like this is why I haven't been pushed over to deploy my homicidal feelings. Thank all of you, here.
Yup, one more here.
To be fair, what is a parent supposed to think when they hear that they have raised 7 mentally broken people? They blame themselves, of course.
"I'm your parent, not your friend" this statement makes me so mad, that just INSTANTLY causes a disconnect between you and your kid, don't EVER say that to them, they'll become your enemy.
good video.
yes, LOTS of abuse and neglect and terrible parenting is hidden in plain sight by these kinds of offhand 'accepted' comments. if other parents only knew how much normalizing these kinds of phrases is leaving so many kids in harms way (and "parental" units operating without thought)
Then have the nerve to wanna be friends as adults. Nah stay in a parent's place lol
For real, and the sentence is not bad per se, but they don't *understand* it:
It's not that parents can't get along with their kids, it's that parents need to take care of them and teach them to be humans and stay in the role of a tutor, a mentor, a PARENT before and above anything else.
I hate how they misunderstood and started to use it to justify abuse.
THIS. "I'll never be your friend. I'm your mother."
She let me know with that statement that she'd never emotionally be there for me. That it would always be obedience = safety and disobedience = contempt.
My toxic dad at least taught me not to obey without question. I took it too far, but I was also a child. We can't be friends? We can't have a friendship outside of the parent/child dynamic? Yeah. It soured any relationship I might have had with her. And our religion backed it up.
@@Akamatsu_kei Yeah. That is the main issue with a statement like that.
I really appreciate the advice to hold parents accountable for their behavior
But how? If I would do that directly they would brake.
I hope the restricted contact makes them think.
(A couple years back it was no contact, but now I try a new form of relationship... but it feels like paddling back)
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii It is More Of an Personal Radical Acceptance of you accepting they Should be held Accountable Authentically ...its requires a grieving process with Some..
Jerry Wise has good advice how to Self Differentiate in Non Polarized Ways Based on how Toxic your Family and your own Maladaptive Behaviors are.
I was able to pull back from my Family of Origin to do Self Understanding Work and then I Could Reconnect with the Relationships I had with the Non Malevolent Members In Much Healthier and Truly Authentic Ways.
@@fairygurl9269 thank you!
But with some what?
My mother doesn't acknowledge anything she's done. She was a perfect mother with terrible kids who remember everything wrong. 😒
Do you have any videos about how a toxic parent can try to make amends for all the damage they have done to their child?
It's funny how my family was pretty similar to the 'toxic divorce' model even though my parents never actually divorced. They just kept fighting and making up and talking shit about each other to their kids
holy crap, same thing with my parents. I often thought they would get a divorced soon, but guess I was wrong.
Same exactly with my parents and if it weren’t for the fact that they are very religious they would have gotten divorced but the word of God forbids divorce so they stayed together. Which was worse because they were always yelling and fighting and it was so toxic I was just hoping they would divorce already so I wouldn’t have to hear them screaming all the time but sadly I grew up in that toxic household of screams.
God this is such a mood ive been waiting for them to get a divorce for 12 years because they hate each other but they just keep going
Can i ask if you dont mind would you have preferred to get a divorce. Or do what they did or r doing.
These are parents and i think if you have grown apart which happens, you sit them down and talk to them, let them know that they have a voice and both parents put their own feelings and emotions to one side and step up to the plate and be the adult they need to be, to make the transition for their kids so much easier.
are we related? /j this sounds exactly like my parents O.O
I think the model minority mentality feeds heavily into the whole “looks good on paper” thing. That’s common amongst a lot of wealth groups.
absolutely!
Absolutely, having been raised in that environment I totally agree
What about PK's and TK's - preachers' kids and teachers' kids? That's another type of model minority. If you don't live up to their expectations, Hell help you.
@@amywalker7575 idk about preacher’s kids but like 75% of the teachers I know are great parents and have well-adjusted kids 😅 they deal with them all day, they know how to respect them and give them the room to make mistakes. Not all of them, of course.
@@Jellybeansatdusk Unfortunately, my parents grew up in an era where teachers were the BOSSES and students were the WORKERS. That whole "spare the rod and spoil the child" thing? That was my family. All they had to do was look at me like they were threatening to spank me, and I'd crack like an egg.
“If I’m miserable, you should be too.” Wow, describes my dad to a T. I feel seen, thank you for this video! ❤️
Oh my god😢 my dad also....
Yea you don't know what parents had to do or go through for your existence, your dad had to give up his dreams for 30 secs of pleasure and stuck wit yo momma
My spouse‘s philosophy…
🐞 Lazybuggg, are we we related?!? Lol! Or at least, I can relate. 🙈 😔
Sounds like my dad; his problem, not ours.
I didn’t realize just how much I needed to hear “you didn’t ask to be considered a burden” until now. Thank you for your videos
Saw your comment before he actually got into any of his examples and thought it was very interesting.. I didn’t understand at all. Then he got to the single parent.. I never even realized that I might be on this list.. and he nailed so many of my issues that I personally struggle with on the daily..
Same lol but it’s still like here I am a burden on my parents and they felt they had to stick together for me and my bro on top of it like extra burden they could have been happier if they didn’t have to stick together for us
@@sarahscalpel561 My mom said I begged her not to get a divorce and so she didn't for me. Not true, that never happened I wanted my parents to get divorced when I was a child. She didn't want to own her stuff, so she puts it on me.
A Calming video on How Bad Parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
This type of free content from professionals,you just can't fathom how much it helps a person like me who cannot access it if it were paid.
I am from a country where it is not possible for me,a student, to pay for such information. I don't have a card whatsoever, nor can I get one ; cause to get a card and pay the tiny amount I first need to be rich and have a large amount in my bank account .
This helps soooo much , I can't thank you enough. I hope more and more professionals come to these types of platforms and share their knowledge. I am sooo thankful.
🤍❤️
Even when you have access to mental health care, it might take you quite a bit of trial and error to find the right therapist. This content is really good. Very spot on.
@@SS-iu1zb Hear! Hear!
I hear you. I didn't have even have internet while my marriage crashed 10 years ago. I'm able to learn now though because of videos like this.
SS 98% are just going to be a waste of time. So if you have intelligent and honest friends, keep them!
Hell, I didn't even realize I grew up in a toxic family at all until I was 40. I was like "What do you mean this isn't normal?!?" 😂
I knew it was really toxic and I left at 18, but sometimes struggle with things that I should have received and didn't. As in: "you guys had icecream for good grades?" "You guys had encouragement for leaving a bad job/guy?" You know the meme... 😑😑 that's me 🤦♀️
Me too
I knew mine was toxic when my father accused me of stealing, and I left then, at 19. I didn’t realize how toxic he was until these last few years (I’m 26, for reference), and I dropped contact with him last year, out of the blue, because I couldn’t handle the tentacles, in a way, that he had on my mental health. He went to everyone but me, asking how I was, or what went wrong.
Even though he’s a “Facebook friend”, he tapped out of trying to be controlling of me, to the point where he didn’t know my partner and I had adopted a dog. Which I’m grateful for, and I’m still processing not feeling guilty about.
I didn’t realize how narcissistic he was, until I dropped contact. Thank goodness I’m working on untangling it.
Sorry for the long tangent, but yes, I feel the same way!
@@RiannaNicole It's so hard to see it when you're in it, especially if you were groomed from birth to accept it. I'm glad you're in a better place now! :)
I was in my late 20s? in therapy, and hearing my therapist be like 'wow, that sounds like it was a really hard, and let's deal with the trauma from that' was like "wait, what? That's traumatic??" I always assumed because I wasn't physically or sexually abused, I was 'ok.' Emotional abuse and trauma is real, y'all.
My mother was apparently so traumatized by her dad that she was a machine. Get through the day somehow was her only mantra. I went through school with so many bullying events, flat out horrible things that no one ever, ever addressed. Chased through the hallways by mean girls, beaten up, raped, you name it. The rape was the easiest thing to get over to be honest. This was all at school! Not even talking about home lol. I gotta say I never thought I could heal and be a human just from free UA-cam videos. But here I am walking talking and rocking. Thank you kind therapist. We heal and help each other.
Hello. This whole thing is relatively new to me: i only accepted reality after a physical breakdown (massive weightloss and insomnia throughout a period of maybe a year) with a 3 day stay in intensive care and since am healing, reading a lot and found all the channels here. I am 37. Can you recommend recources? It would be highly appreciated. I had a horrible childhood and did a lot of excessive work, drugs and alcohol to "get well" and honestly thought I was just crazy and beyond help but things changed a lot - for the better. It still is very new and I am looking to adress those issues the right way. I also am sober for almost 2 years or so, which seems to have been the catalyst to understanding.. u think i know the bestsellers already (Dr. Mate, bessel van der kolk, some UA-cam channels) but would love to learn more. Best regards, Robert
I'm so sorry you had to live through all that horror,god bless ,heal,and keep you....
You’re an inspiration! I’m so sorry you had to endure all that. May you have peace and love in your heart in your healing journey ❤❤
@@Jbp-tbshI think what the commenter means by that is that compared to their other experiences, rape was the easiest to get over with. I mean, I got bullied in school and later sexually abused by my brother-in-law. And after that abuse, I think bullying is not that bad y'know
Amen!! I've had more personal growth in the past two years on UA-cam than in my 49 years as a human!
TIMESTAMPS (thumbs up if helpful)
7. Looks Good On Paper ~ 3:00
6. Ships In The Night ~ 6:20
5. Anti-Love ~ 8:38
4. Chaos System ~ 11:44
3. Toxic Divorce ~ 14:45
2. Toxic Single Parent ~ 19:10
1. Aggressor + Codependent ~ 22:04
0. Foster Care / Adopted ~ 24:52
Thank you.
Thanks :)
bomb, thank you queen
Thank you!💛
Thank you!
Patrick: "You can be from multiple systems"
Me: "Ah yes. All of the above"
Same
Too bad this isn't like gathering the infinity stones or a lot of us here would have some serious power on our hands 😂 nope, just crippled mental health
PLSSSSS
Yeah other than the adoption & single-parent....it felt like every system was my system. I've pushed so much of the feelings away that I'm like bawling a lil bit tonight....but I have to remind myself (and maybe you do as well) that...we're not the ones at fault. Whoever hurt us dealt with their own issues when they saw us, but that wasn't because we're monsters. It's something I recently came to conclude like in a tangible sense in therapy....my mom wasn't finding it hard to love me because of me, she didn't love me because her own issues....issues not involving me at all. Pretty sure a lot of folks can say "Yeah...I know that!" but really taking that sentiment to heart, really bringing it up when you feel like "Well...I guess I deserved that treatment. No wonder!" .....that is a process. I need to go back and take notes about the part where he said what to focus on for recovery lol I wasn't able to process it in one pass lmao!
That's exactly what I thought when I got to the end xD
Oooff anti love hits hard. No compliments, no celebrating birthdays, no smiles, hugs, affection, or even basic conversation. I used to not understand people that were nice and bubbly, how to have a conversation with people, and the importance of self care. Take care of yourself folks, and remember you are loveable ❤️
I tend to be a bubbly and nice person to hide my misery 😞 Knowing how I feel,I wouldn't want others to feel the same way,it's horrible
My family was never anti-love, but they were sure as hell awkward about love. It was more like silent love, they weren't affectionate at all. It made me look strangely at my aunt on my mother's side BC she is SO affectionate. I was envious, I realize now. I wanted my mom to love me like that too.
I had half love and anti love. My mom loved the heck out of me and I lacked it from my dad. That created its own problems.
@@Nakia11798 I've been through that too. Understanding the 5 love languages help, because it makes us understand that we just have different love languages than our parents and we were looking for love in things we can't expect from them. My love language is words affirmation, and my last is gifts. My parents NEVER express through words, and my mom's love language is giving gifts so I didn't feel loved until I understood that she buying things for me were a way of expression xD
You might have the same love language as your aunt, and that's why you find her so affectionate :)
My bubbly self is what happens when I disassociate. I can't access any feelings or memories beyond tactile ones. So I come off as happy and ditzy when really I can't access myself.
I remember when I first started dating my husband, and when I went to dinner at his house to meet his family for the first time... It was such a completely opposite environment than what I was used to. I thought that his family relationships felt surreal and like they were putting up a front like my family did to make it seem like the "perfect" family, but no, they were all just genuinely good people and they actually got along, and my mom wondered why I preferred to spend time with his family and not with her.
Edit: also, am I the only one that can relate to all 7 of these systems? I had all of these things going on in one example or another.
I got 4 out of 7!
This was my exact experience too! And it's so nerve wracking and humiliating to have to slowly let your partner know that your family isn't the same at all. One day few years back my boyfriend actually got emotional and shed a few tears asking why my mom doesn't like him when he tries his best to get on her good side. Then, last month he was staying over with me and my family. Him and I went shopping, and when we came to my house he was excitedly showing my parents what he bought and they just criticised everything he had to say. Later on he told me now he understands that I'm better off not telling them anything. It's kinda sad how naive he is around them.
@@TheDaniela3112 oh I completely understand that! My husband was so anxious too because he wanted my family to like him so much, but at some point I just had to prioritize myself and my own happiness/relationships over theirs, cause at some point I realized that it's just impossible to please my family, everything I did was a disappointment no matter what.
Sometimes when my Partner visits, he looks at me all baffled and goes "why do they treat you like that?" and it's very sobering
oh wow 6 out of 7
It's what I marvel at all the time; when my best friend talks abt her upbringing or her favorite family member. I love spending time with her and am slowly learning that I'm actually not that bad of a person to hang out with.
"Hey mom, I watched this video about different unhealthy family dynamics and I learned a lot about how our family can grow and learn to be...."
"Yeah I know, we are all just horrible"
Love this...
It probably isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but I figured out how to combat this with my own parents. Get on their good side (takes a long time), and then whenever they do something toxic, point it out to them posing as coming from a place of concern, and focusing nearly entirely on how it would negatively affect them. That’s the key- make it their problem, so that’s when they’ll fix it. If you make it seem like the drawback is just hurting another person, they won’t care, because clearly they haven’t cared enough to change their behavior thus far. Then, all that matters is gently steering them towards the best solution by pointing out the cons of their alternative solutions (if they are bad- if they’re good, then point out the pros!), and then only pointing out the pros of the “correct” solution. Maybe mention a singular con, but only if it’s inconsequential and doesn’t affect much to them. Slowly their behavior will change and then you can pretend that they did it because they love you and your siblings, not because you coerced them into change 🥲
I have to stress though- ONLY do this for good, and if your parent is really that defensive/touchy. You want to influence them while their guard is down. This takes years though- but sometimes it can even lead to them becoming self aware of their past behaviors and actually choosing to go to therapy
@@bri5018 I do this too. it's still very difficult, but oh well.
@@bri5018 this is manipulative behavior, that's not healthy.
@@chefbutterrrr I feel like this is how they cope
At least they're honest lol
That awkward moment when you are able to identify a bit of each of the 7 types in your own fmaily/life.
😁
Rip same 😭
Me too
same.
I feel like I could split each of the 7 types into various years from my experience as everything continued to change.
I went on a student exchange in Germany when I was 16. Sure, a learned a bit of German, but more importantly I got to live in a healthy family system away from my own toxic family for a whole three months. I am only beginning to realize what a blessing it was just to know so early that another kind of life was possible, even if I didn't understand that my family was toxic at the time.
I had the exact same experience. I was UNCONSOLABLE when i had to leave my beautiful German family in Bavaria… i didnt want to go back to my deadbeat mother and alcoholic stepfather.
Had a similar opportunity, but I was overwhelmed by how wholesome the family was and instead of engaging and learning what I could, I was anxious and self-isolated. I will always regret it.
fuck i wanna sign up just to live with another family lol
I'm the oldest. From 12 years ol age I was sent away to stay with extended family, student exchange, people who somehow my mother knew from church. Strangers usually to me. In Germany, France, Ireland. Even the us.
I thought it was normal. Now I know that it was just to get rid.
BUT more recently I've realised that these were the periods I not only enjoyed/grew the most - and can actually remember in detail. Unlike my home life . I disassociated at home. Can't remember much at all.
When I was at university, my roommate invited me to spend one Thanksgiving weekend with her family. They were wonderful and I really enjoyed the loving dynamic between each family member. Toward the end of the visit, her dad gently asked me about my family relationships. Turns out he'd sensed almost right from the start that my relationship with my own dad was pretty messed up at the time, just based on my subconscious reactions to him. He very kindly offered advice and support, and I've never forgotten that.
Anti-love and toxic/codependent are so familiar I could cry and scream at the same time. The struggle for sanity is a daily reality for me.
"The struggle for sanity is a daily reality for me."
How sad! Unfortunately, I can relate to this... 🙁
Those are the ones that hit me as well! Sprinkle those two with a bit of Looks Good On Paper and you get this guy who somehow turned out alright
I relate 💯 percent.
i always feel like i'm pitying myself when i resonate with these toxic childhood videos, which in itself is probably a sign of a negative upbringing
Stoicism..."don't feel so sorry for yourself"..."what are you so upset about? You have everything you could ever want"...sound familiar?
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Same 🥲
@@linkedinlove106 wow that other comment and your reply to it, was a l awaking to that! I didn't know that was a problem but I do that too and it makes sense why.
These cycles go back generations in families
The ‘good on paper’ is so dangerous. I know that I didn’t receive the help I needed because of it. No one was in my corner or even believed I was being abused, because my family had it all put together. I can only imagine how many other people are in the same position.
May we all work towards healing together
Savanna! Same!!!! Absolutely true. It’s so, so isolating
Yessssss... when u have courage to speak up you learn it's in vain bc they justify them bc they can't see past the halo.
Yes Savannah, thanks for mentioning this. I'm struggling to deal with this situation currently. Due to telling my extended family that this is the case I have been excommunicated.
People vastly underestimate how many families only present well on the outside, but are a mess on the inside. It's the reason I cringe when I see people judging public figures when something goes public. *SO* many people imagine they're alone in their individual suffering. It's bizarre.
Same! The walls came crumbling down eventually, but not before the damage was done.
I always told myself my childhood wasn't that bad. And it wasn't that bad. I just thought I had issues and had no idea why. I can't believe the things you have said in your videos, it's like you watched a movie of my childhood. Now I know why I have these hang ups and feel I can start to work through them. Thank you for your videos!
Same. Having a childhood that “wasn’t that bad” does NOT mean you had a healthy childhood filled with love, respect, affection, attention, protection, etc. I’m with you on this. I’m 47 and just learning that my toxic family system was ABUSE. Keep going on your healthy journey! It’s done wonders for me over the past year. Good luck!
It's an eye opener.
@@wholewellnesswithann same!
Same girl same.
It's difficult to admit to oneself that a parent was an abuser. It feels like you let go of a fairy tale, or you are renouncing your responsibility or a promise you gave for your parent like a betrayer. To see things as they were took me decades.
Few months ago, I tried to explain to my parents my current struggles with constantly comparing myself to others and chasing things working so hard just to prove my value to the people around me. I told them it’s so emotional draining. And my mom responded: wow that means we did something right raising you up like this. At least it helps you succeed in your studies and your career….
Most toxic sentence: "Don't act like it's any different in other families"
Yeah I hear it all the time ☻☻☻
"If I didn't love you, I wouldn't beat you". 🙄 That's one of my parent's classics
Toxic people can speak truth! As long as their statements work for them, in their favor. 😞
@RainbowDreams30 hugs, fellow rainbow 🌈🌸💜
Similar to this is: "all mothers are like this"
I was completely robbed of a childhood-my parents HATED providing for me or treating me like a child.
My mother was the youngest in a large family-pampered and coddled and catered to and oh so “special.” I was the oldest and in their family traditions the oldest daughter was basically a domestic servant who reared the children and that’s exactly what they did to me. I remember her mother telling me I needed to help my mother around the house when I was about eight. My whole childhood revolved around meeting the needs of my endlessly selfish, childish mother.
My mother’s family had 4 siblings, she loved her brothers but treated her younger sister (my aunt) like dog crap.
My sister is on a pedestal and I the youngest is expected to serve the family. It was never relevant to me until I hit my 50s. Such an eye opener. My aunt was a home maker, cared to her husband and parents. My mother was ungrateful for her sacrifice and she will do this to me.
What happened to my sister her escape was my cousins needed to b babbysittin
I feel this whole comment. My mom was her twin. So sorry.
WOW..I went through something similar
Thanks for sharing. Children should all help around the house the best they can, but I know what you mean about not helping mom, but being a servant and maid in your own home. Not the same! I sometimes sub in primary school class, so I will have to be aware of this when teaching lessons about helping mom and dad at home.
I experienced some of that and it's resulted in me being too lenient with my children. I feel guilt for asking to them to do a single chore. I know that's not healthy either.
almost every asian family when he mentions traits of "good on paper" families: **nervous sweating**
📠
Speak for yourself lol
Healthy gammer gg
@@VSM101 alright but does it matter? It's as long their point was sent across 🗿
I'm from a Latino family, but I dated someone for a few years who was Chinese-American. Honestly, when I saw "Looks Good On Paper" I was, like, "That was Ning's family. Yikes!"
I grew up in a environment full of hate and coldness. It fehlt like my parents are my enemys. Even today in my 40ies is hard to believe that someone really likes or loves me as I never felt this way in my childhood😢😢😢 Thank you for making me understand that it didnt just happend to me and that there is are professionell words for that: anti-love, chaotic and codependent parenting styles
I was essentially my father's emotional punching bag and his therapist. Any time he got angry about anything he'd take it out on me, pointing out all my flaws and how he was so much of a better person than me because his life was harder, then he'd also talk to me about his problems and most disturbing inner thoughts and I had to try to counsel him. He also treated me more like his friend than his son except when it was convenient to lord power over me. Mix of chaotic family and toxic single parent.
Do you mind sharing some of the inner thoughts? I'm concerned for my niece who's 7 who's supposed to be moving into a seperate apartment with her malignant narcissistic father who I can sadly undoubtedly picture him doing something like this if he didn't have witnesses.
That... sounds exactly like my mother. Good luck to you ❤️
It's as if you were talking about my mom. The thing is that she doesn't have a healthy relationship with my father, and according to her I'm "too much like him," so she's always punishing me when she's mad at him and I'm just left confused asking myself "what did I do? "
It's the worst because i've internalized the feeling of "yeah, she's right it's my fault" to the point where I'm not sure if i actually did something wrong or dad just pissed her off. Then I think "hey, it's me, I always do something wrong so I probably had it coming ." It's
hard breaking out of that state of mind.
@@Gaburierairuze It definitely isn't you. Please hold that truth at your core. As a mother, I assure you, minor children aren't at fault for their parents' moods, problems, or struggles. You deserve better. You deserve love.
@@joshsimms5697 I can't share those inner thoughts, they were very personal to him. But they were violent a lot of times. My dad is a tormented man. In some ways I feel for him, and in others I'll never be able to forgive what he did to me. I'd say that the family should keep a close eye on your niece. Talk to her about what her relationship with her father is like. With me, I never spoke about it. Dysfunction became normalized to me, so I never told anyone I was being yelled at and excoriated verbally. Don't let it become normalized for her.
How bad was my childhood that I relate to every one of these examples, lol. Anti-love and toxic divorce were the two that hit the hardest. Some ppl should never have kids.
I’m so sorry luv, keep fighting !! 😁 u got this
SAME HAHA except anti-love and good on paper
* especially
Omg same especially Anti-love and good on paper as well
Yeah anti love, chaos and some stuff here n there. I knew it was bad but this made it hit home that it was about as bad as it can get without actually murderering me. My soul was destroyed and Im working hard all alone to try and fix it. I do believe I can do it but it will take a very long time. So no relationships to detract me. That can only go one way toxic. I cannot heal in that environment. I wish you all the best in your recovery
Not every parents deserve children.
But every child deserves a parent
Number 1 resonates with me. Codependent doesn't want to take sides and just follow the Aggressor. When I stand up to the Aggressor, it looks like disrespect to the Aggressor or the Outsider, but since they are blind, they can't see what's actually happening. Aggressor can be two-faced, shows the good side to relatives, friends or colleagues but totally treats the family different.
A perfect description of my dad
Omg you just described my mom perfectly. Always super nice when people were over but almost always in a bad mood otherwise and her drinking could make her violent at times.
And if the codependent tries to leave, to protect you, would you choose to stay with the aggressor? My child did. It's awful that they were even put in that position of choosing sides. It's not healthy and sets up child for future relationship problems
oh my I relate so much. my dad making nasty remarks and comments until I loose my cool and scream at him only to then look like the "bad" person myself. And then having people comment that you shouldn't talk to your parents like that etc. Fills me with rage.
@@LaraOlina it's called "reactive abuse," a tactic narcissists deliberately engage others I to make themselves the victim when they're the aggressor...
As a teacher, I have experience interacting with many families and can easily identify each archetype. This helps to develop a better understanding of what children may be experiencing/internalizing. I also appreciate that you included foster children too. Their plight often goes unnoticed.
wow .. world needs more great teachers like U
Thank you Thomas Keets for being willing to do this. I will always be thankful for my teacher Mr. Emerick who took me home when my alcoholic mother forgot to pick me up, who protected me when other kids bullied me because I was not dressed properly and smelled. He saw me and was kind to me. He showed me there are good people in this world. Other teachers, at best, pretended like I didn’t exist.
You are making a huge difference in some child’s life. I have never been able to find Mr. Emerick(spelling?) to thank him but I give me thanks to you!
@@dnk4559,
Thank you for your heartfelt response. It's very much appreciated. I believe “Mr. Emrick” would be proud to know how appreciative and reflective you have become. Know that you are worthy of every blessing that comes your way, and I wish you many.
@@thomaskeets3194 Thank you so much!
Me too. I feel like a therapist many days. Thankful to work with precious students
I can't put into words how absolutely ****validated**** I feel rn. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I grew up in the anti-love family. No one has ever fully understood or believed me when I said I grew up not loved and hated. Hearing someone else put it in words so perfectly is validating alone, but coming from a trauma therapist is so comforting and really, thank you!!!
I had a romantic partner who, when little, was told by their mom: "No one will ever love you." Once you've heard such cruelty from a parent at such a tender age, you really face a huge uphill climb. I hope you find love because you deserve it.
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Stay strong and head up sis
Me too 😢... This video saved me...
I believe you, because I know how frustrating it is to not being believed.
When I started to tell people about my life at home (which I was told not to), people have either gotten really angry, very shocked or cried. I never knew my life was not normal, so I just took everything very lightly even though it was destroying me. What’s funny is my life is a mix of about three of these.
It is really strange to talk about your family with other people. I know the statistics but I don't actually believe there are families where children are not physically struck or yelled at. People can tell me and I just don't believe them. I got a dog last year and it is the first dog I've ever gotten as a five week old puppy. Now a year old he's fearless, affectionate and well trained. He is so much more trusting then the shelter dogs I usually take home (don't get me wrong, shelter dogs are awesome). I think it is because I never was nasty with him and never would think of striking him. He's not even afraid of brooms or rolled up newspapers! ...So I try to think of him when I think about the possibility that some kids are raised without violence.
Right? I always talk about my childhood very lightly, and people always give me these looks. It's shocking, because I just assumed that it was normal, especially since my extended family was the same as my parents. Or even when I talk about my school life and my peers, people stare at me in shock. I just go "What? It's a funny story! That never happened to you?" and they're like "Uh...no?" and it's super weird to me. I feel like it has to be funny though, both my family life and school life, because otherwise it'd be just sad, so it has to be a funny story, you know? Like, everyone's childhood was funny, they have funny stories, so I want my childhood to be funny too, I want to look at it with laughter, even if I have to laugh at something fucked up.
I lied so much as a child. my addiction ridden family expected loyalty from us kids, even though there was none in return. their criminal lifestyle forced me to be secretive and silent for so many years. to this day I feel guilt when telling the truth about my past.
yeah the moment of realization when you figure out your life is not normal....
@@TejubescDM pain is no competition and your perspective is vailid no matter what! there will always be people "who have it worse" but this mindset does not help those people or yourself. you have every right to get help and get better!
I just turned 30 and for some reason i started grieving my childhood. I had a mix of a couple of these systems but ultimately my mom was a raging narcissist and my dad was a belligerent alcoholic. They act like what i went through was normal or "not that bad" because they compared their lives to mine (and they were even more abused but still, i learned that that was minimizing and dismissive). I'm trying everyday to retrain my brain to not be a victim but to rise above it. It's hard but I'm hopeful
That’s about right- the age when you get a chance to look back and evaluate what happened and why. I remember this for myself. Exactly, the same. I did however address my parents around this age maybe 35, and they still denied it all and dismissed the damages. Actually, attacking with avoidance and verbal abuse. That was when I knew I was orphaned all along. My parents were strangers my entire childhood. Sad situation.
👊👊👊👊
I cut off the blood relatives who gave me severe issues a few years back, but my healing journey really only started after I turned 29. I've been in therapy for about 3 years. But even then I still get pangs of overwhelming emotion, I just know how to deal with it better, and I'm not drowning anymore - so to speak.
I was driving home fairly recently and had to pull over because it hit me that I was completely robbed of a childhood and that I never had a mother. I had to take the time to let myself grieve not having a mum. That's part of the process - literally processing it.
I want to start therapy but I am always scared that my family life was "not traumatic enough". My father was depressed and constantly drinking not caring about us abusive etc but my mother and my sister are my everything I couldnt love anybody more than them so I am always confused like:"Others dont even have a good relationship with their siblings" :/
@@ede2362 I was worried about that to start with as well, but after going through it I realised just HOW traumatic it was for me.
There is no judgement between one trauma and another. They're both trauma. Take care of yourself and go, mate.
Also just a bit of advice from my dad; "Therapists aren't all the same. You might not click with one but you will with another. It usually takes about 3 sessions to feel at ease with them, and if you don't trust them there's no harm in looking around for another. But you have to be comfortable enough with them to tell them *everything*."
Anti-love. Ding ding ding! My mother acted out her own family drama. Like her, I was the scapegoated oldest girl, my brother the middle child was the golden child and the youngest, my sister, was the flying monkey. I don’t feel wrong for being grateful that my mother has been dead 4 years now. I have no contact with my younger sister and limited contact with my brother. BTW, my brother and sister have pretty much collapsed since her death, into drugs, alcohol and general ill health. They remain very reliant on one another. I am ok. I run a non-profit horse rescue, manage 40 horses, a lesson and show program, two huge barns, 26 acres, a large and pretty farmhouse where we regularly host barn parties. did this on my own and am proud of it. I often wonder though how far I would have gone if I came from a healthy family. I thank God every single day that I broke the cycle with my two children.
Insane. My family is absurdly similar. And I run a small quail farm. LOL. Maybe there’s something about caring for animals thats healing. They are simpler than dealing with humans.
Congratulations! I am the scapegoat in my family. I finally went no contact. I have had too many decades of drama and abuse. I have decided to live my life free of my toxic family.
I can see this decline happening to my brother after my parents die. He 's single as well but far too enmeshed with them. Im the scapegoat and ive dealt with most of the grief in the past. I have teenage kids and im just used to this situation.
I know, same, I am trying to become the person I would have been if my parents had validated me instead of invalidating me
@@SusanaXpeace2u Me too. Good luck! 💙
I wish I could have this guy as my therapist. *Chaos, toxic divorce and agressor+codependent* Moved probably 20 times. Still haven't unpacked after 2 years. Codependency, rage, guilt, shame, confusion, lack of direction etc.
For those reading this. It gets better with work and time. Dont give up.
You are not irreparably broken.
I cannot beleive I've never read or heard about this. After so books and videos never has anyone given this information. This guy deserves a freaking 🏅 medal!
I had the same three I didn’t realize how many people had the same issues that I did.You didn’t deserve any of it healing starts now.Hugs.🥰
@@LexiA0327 thank you so much for the support. I'm so sorry you had to experience those things in your life. I hope you find all the support and live the world has to offer❤ You are valuable. Hugs back
@@jennyfox1398 p
me too I don't know why it's so hard for us to find therapists that are this knowledgeable for ourselves, I wanna get a new one. There's a book on Amazon that is called complex PTSD, it's a blue book with puzzle pieces on it, and there's a matching workbook to go with it, so far I'm really liking it. at the end of each chapter it gives you a coping skill to try, and it can be a little triggering to read but it's worth going the extra mile for. I hope you are doing good as well and thank you for the encouragement!
@@breakingpoint3893 it is weird. Why is cptsd and ptsd so mystifying for theralists. Its like most cant even identify it. Everyone I've ever met with ptsd was misdiagnosed at some point, including myself. Thanks for the tip on the book. I'd picked it up and was hesitant because I just didn't know if it would help. I'm so glad to hear it does! Thank you. I'm lucky and can somewhat function now thanks to emdr. It turned my life around big time.
I hope you find love, support and an awesome therapist. Dont give up! Big hug from a sister with cptsd!
My mother was extremely overly critical and unreasonable, she got SO MAD when I didn't just automatically understand how to do my own laundry at 11 years old, told me to "figure it out" and just walked away. She'd snap her fingers in my face, hit me, scream at me, simply for daring to not understand things as if I did it on purpose somehow. I'm now worried that I accidentally picked a partner that treats me the exact same way. If I don't hear instructions the first time or do something perfect the first time I'm met with the *exact* same anger (sans physical violence, but screaming ect.) and it's extremely triggering. I'm really not sure what to do now after this revelation, I live with my partner
It's good that you recognize it and are aware now. You might be re-living your trauma. Maybe you can have a conversation with them about how this is triggering, or work your way into leaving the situation. I ended up leaving an emotionally abusive partner I lived with, but it took some help along the way. Don't be afraid to ask others for help and perspective into the situation.
Start plotting your escape
All too often those of us who grew up in abusive households become a magnet for people who will abuse us in the similar ways. You don't deserve to be treated badly . You need to consider your future because you matter. If needs be, leave him, get counselling, and break the cycle. Get yourself a better quality of life.
That is literal abuse, I hope you find a way to get out of the relationship.
That treatment is abusive and not acceptable. I don't need to hear any more context to know that definitively.
People can be abusive on purpose or accidentally. Some people can control themselves and choose not to. Others can't control themselves. None of that changes the amount of trauma it will give you.
Even if someone is trying their best or their intentions are good, that behavior still remains abusive and is traumatizing.
Sometimes behavior is contextual - one of their past partners could tolerate outbursts just fine, it didn't impact them. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't abusive to a different partner who has different triggers. It can still be abusive.
Said all that to say, it's not black and white. Don't try to justify abuse away just because it's not all bad. It's your job to take care of yourself first.
I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you here (obviously the other person should just not behave that way), but pragmatically as an adult you choose what situations to experience and which situations to get rid of*.
*for the MOST part
If you're in a place where you can easily tolerate or help someone else's behavior, great. But if you're not, don't. It's not your responsibility or your fault at the end of the day. We're all responsible for ourselves.
tldr move out when you can
I hate that this absolutely does resonate with me. I spent all of my 20's in the throes of opiate addiction, my early 30's were spent in prison, jail, and other institutions. I did not go to school as a child and was raised on the ass end of the Appalachian mountains and spent time in foster care. To be succinct, I could barely function as a human, let alone an adult, until 4 and a half years ago when I got out of prison and made the choice to try and go to a community college. I failed remedial classes at first but I just finished two years on my 40th birthday and have a 3.56 gpa and I will graduate this next year. These videos have offered me a look into myself and a way to delve into the core of what has caused my issues. Thank you Patrick.
I've gone to therapists off and on over the years, giving them a really solid try each time (six months or more). None were able to identify the dysfunction of my family as clearly and concisely as this dude on youtube whom I've never met, and all within ten minutes.
It's not really the therapist's job to do that. You go to them with what is bothering you and they help guide you through it. Their job isn't to predict your past traumas. Their job would be, for example, to discuss the parts of this video that resonated with you personally, after you bring it up to them.
@@JKirkis9 after years of therapy he should have received more than the info in this video.
@@JKirkis9 The right therapist can do it, mine did. It’s best we’rewhen looking for a therapist to find one who specializes in family systems.
I spent 7 and a half yrs this last time and no one could help me..no one. I give up..
@@JKirkis9 Why should I pay someone $150 an hour if they don't even have the basic insight to say, "Hey, that thing your parents did is pretty fucked up"? If I just want someone to stare and nod at me while I elucidate exactly how and why and to what degree my family was dysfunctional, I can put a blowup doll in a rocking chair without the hourly rate. You seem to be unaware of the fact that growing up in a dysfunctional family means that you take a lot of this crap for granted as "normal" because 1. as a kid you have no other frame of reference and 2. chances are you've been consistently gaslit not to trust your own experiences.
My experience with my mother has made me terrified to ever have children. I’m asexual and gay so if I do plan to have kids it will not be by accident.
I’m just terrified of treating my child how my mother treated me, or how I treated my sister’s because of how she treated me.
It also has me scared for my partner, I don’t want to hurt them without realizing how I’m acting.
I felt the same. I have a smallie who takes me for granted and I love it. He doesn't know that love can be limited or transactional and his confidence is incredible. All you can do is be aware. If you want children down the line its perfectly possible to break a generational trend . You deserve love and happiness whatever you decide to do with your life. No need to take your moms baggage with you. ❤ I wish you all the absolute best things in the world for your future!
@@xatz8527 oml, thank you so much! you have no idea how much it means to me that you took time to write this comment
@@ShilohBluecube no worries at all x
i feel the same
hi unrelated but whats the flag on the left of your pfp?
The "looks good on paper" dynamic is why no one believes me when I try to tell them I'm not okay.
I feel you, Jedi. Hugs
I agree. My upbringing was great on paper, best house compared to friends, new cars, dad in good well paying job, stay at home mum, “on paper”, I looked damn lucky. 57 years later still trying to work thru it.
🤗🤗🤗🤗
My dad was like a ship in the night as a railroader who was gone for most of my childhood, and my mother was a looks good on paper. I never knew that the reason I've struggled with social anxiety and depression my whole life was due to my lack of love as a child until I found this channel. Thank you so much. I can't wait to be a father and love my kids like I wasn't.
I have several friends who grew up in the "looks good on paper" household. They all share several unique traits. They know how to model kindness and empathy (which is often more like sympathy), but it isn't genuine. They don't know how to be intimate as they tend to shut down when emotional discussions arise. They might be good listeners, but they don't know how to share intimacy in return. They are completely "armored up" emotionally and will never take emotional risks. Their greatest sources of comfort is that they have done the right thing, their lives are NOT messy emotionally/relationally/aesthetically, and they have rarely been hurt emotionally.
Omg you literally just described my ex and their family problems.
True. I know similar people- they also tend to be high achievers and religious but hurt many people in getting to attain all the achievements. Most move on without care, and pretend their families are amazing and if you openly speak about yours- they show the "sympathy" but never talk about theirs. They have victim mentality and blame games. They usually are takers, and think pain is completely normal and nobody should care to heal. Everyone needs to heal, except them haha...
@@electricfishfan That is fascinating. Is this more common of children from homes that experience divorce when the children are younger?
Sounds like my cousins. My aunt is all about having the prefect family.
@@bmccameron7642 He's talking straight facts. But if you want to view your toxic upbringing in a way that makes you a victim that can't achieve anything then by all means, continue.
"Well dad's moving out, we're moving on, who wants Chucke E Cheese?" Is probably the best way I've ever heard to explain my life as a child. Thank you. Thw whole video is very interesting, but that sentence stuck with me the most
Same but it was amazing for me.
i feel you. we went and saw the Canada Day fireworks, literally minutes later. lol
I'M SO SORRY I LAUHED AT THIS BUT THE GOD DAMN CHUCKY CHEESE COUGHT ME OFF GAURD-
same! now im 21 and hve no control over money because if i feel bad i just spend.
@@karlaarana6999 same
The “Looks Good on Paper” mixed with the Aggressor + Codependent
Basically I’m a confused, depressed & anxious ball of perfectionism and hyper vigilance now who has little to no sense of personal identity
I hear you with that last sentence. Hope you're ok xx
I’m working on it 😓
@@sierradaun5389 You can do it. You are already enough xx💜 xx
@@KatieM786 Thank you☺️ You’re so sweet💜 I’ll do my best!
*raises hand*
Been a teacher for 20 years now, working with hundreds of kids and even more parents. Everyone asks what the secret sauce is (ie what is the secret to success in the best kids). It’s so funny because the best, most successful, well adjusted kids, come from so many different kinds of families/social classes/etc. the only constant I’ve seen is the parents, continually, and sincerely TRY. They screw up, but then the get up and try again. They focus on helping the kids though each challenge and constantly adapt. The result is usually kids who can say my parents didn’t do it all right, but I accept and forgive them for their mistakes, and am grateful for the work they did and what they got right.
The bit about seeing your friends or partner having a loving relationship with their family and that feeling foreign really hit me. My partner has a very loving family, and they tried to start including me in that love early on but it made me so uncomfortable. Thankfully they also understood when my partner explained some about my own family and they just always made room for me while giving me space. I never knew families could actually love one another so... unconditionally before. I mean they have their issues but they're kind and supportive. My family always acted like family was important until it was inconvenient or someone isn't going along with the illusion, then you're punished
I relate to this reply, I was astounded to see families interacting in a loving way. I had a ‘what’s going on here’ kind of feeling. Some very small incidents in my past stuck with me and I couldn’t understand why they were stuck in my memory. I now know that it’s because they were tiny acts of kindness by strangers and I wasn’t used to people noticing or caring about me.
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Wow. This perfectly explains my situation x
I agree with this so much. I’m 27 and I get so uncomfortable whenever I see my boyfriend be so loving and affectionate with his family. I once witnessed my boyfriend dancing with his mother at a bar where there was live music…..and all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was feeling while watching them. I felt jealous that my boyfriend is so confident and happy in life to the point where he can dance with his mom in front of random strangers. Does that make me crazy? Most likely. But I’m so grateful to have him in my life because he’s given me genuine love that I haven’t received from my family.
@@stolensilver6963
Yes, you are correct, remembering back how a neighbor invited me to sit in her living room, because the bus stop there every am. Gave me away to be free from a sick parent.
I was born highly sensitive but grew up in an anti-love dynamic. I was honestly a bit of a monster that had issues with empathy as a kid until I was taught by really teaching myself through isolation and losing all my friends from my actions that the way you treat people can effect them greatly - now I really treasure empathy and emotions and the energy of others. It's a skill like any other and you do not have to be like those you're surrounded by. You genuinely can be who you chose to be.
I learned a lot about love, empathy and respect from tv series / movies. I always wished to find 'my tribe' one day, the people who genuinely care about each other.
I am uncofortable with how much I relate to that experience.
@@crazydragy4233 bro life is a time
“If I am miserable, you should be too”
Well fuck that describes my whole family when it comes to my father.. If he’s in a bad mood or upset then everyone is.. 😕
Stressful. Hope you can escape from that when you need to.
A Calming video on How Bad Parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
@Yami Yugi
Same, except it's us trying to avoid pissing him off, since he loses his shit over the slightest shit when he's in a bad mood
@@Ash-uo8sp same for me too
Same, but, my mom 😞
Im breaking the curse, no kids. End the bloodline. End the trauma. Make the world a marginally better place.
I am doing that same
man hands on misery to man.
it deepens, like a coastal shelf.
get out as early as you can,
and don't have any kids yourself.
I had one son. He chose to have none. That bloodline and trauma has ended. At last.
Same. Me and my sister, we're doing the same after a whole childhood of being made to feel "grateful" and that we had to "give back" for all the "sacrifices" our parents made for us.
Same. I refuse to bring another person into this world just for trauma and society to crush them.
The first time I was allowed to go over to a friend's house and stay the night I was 11. When I witnessed how genuinely warm this family was with one another, I was shocked. Literally shocked. I had never seen anything like this. I could not believe that the other kids in my friend's family (including my friend) were allowed to express their unedited ideas without interruption, sneering, yelling, or retribution if it didn't match their parent's ideas on the subject. I couldn't believe the adults limited themselves to just one glass of wine with dinner. I could not believe they had such a beautiful table layout with matching silverware and fresh flowers and dishes that people passed to one another in turns. It seemed odd that everyone did something to clean up the table afterwards, including the Dad doing dishes and loading the dishwasher.... I thought that my family's 'AntiiLove"/'Chaos" Dynamic was normal. My question is: What percentage of people do you think come from acutely dysfunctional families? Is it 1 in 5? 3 of 10? By acutely dysfunctional I mean beatings, neglect, silent treatments, using children as slave labor, patriarchal subservience, yelling, moving multiple times, codependency, and the like. Thanks!
I think usually when you meet a complete a-hole they are somebody who has suffered all their life and been shown a dysfunctional model of interaction with others... I would also be really interested to know how many people are raised in these environments.
@@bluegum6438 My Dad used to say: "There's an asshole in every group of people. If you can't figure out who it is, then it's YOU."
I had something similar, which made me fully realize how toxic the situation I was in was. I remember going to a friend's place, and her and her mom were "fighting". Their fighting was being respectful and maybe a little passive aggressive. But they gave each other space and handled it like adults. Now, I was devastated at this. For my situation, their worst fighting day was my best day ever with my parent. Our fights would escalated to me breaking a chair over their knees to get them off of me. I was absolutely shocked to see what normalcy looked like.
@@TejubescDM I think what you describe is imperfect, but within normal limits. My family of origin, on the other hand, is toxic as the day is long.
The dad doing dishes hits hard
anyone else had those parents who would scream and yell and get very violent at eachother and/or yell a lot at there kids and then proceed to tell the kids/kid who had to witness all of it "it wasn't that bad / its normal were not abusive we don't hit you"
Before the divorce, my mom would take my dad’s things to the garage and smash them with a mallet. When I would cry and ask what was wrong, she said everything was fine and he deserved to have his things broken.
Mine did that. And then later, when I was a teen, and angry or sad over something, it was like, "Oh, you don't feel that way." Way to invalidate what was *really* going on, mom and dad.
Gaslighting yes, and one of the siblings plays along with it.
@@wolfe6220 yep, I can relate completely when I got older my apologies weren't accepted because they didn't "feel" I was sorry.
@@vegezyland yeah for my it was my older sister
Talking about the physical reaction to others fighting really hit me like a brick… for me hearing raised voices in another room of the house (if im in the basement and hear loud voices upstairs) makes my heart start pounding and adrenaline floods my system. My body is put into total alert mode and it takes me a while to relax when it happens.
Also the part about not feeling like healthy marriages/relationships are real really hit me too. I remember every time id see my friends happily married parents i would always tell myself that they MUST be secretly fighting and miserable. To this day i still get that feeling from time to time when I see friends or family friends in relationships.
Never went to therapy or have really talked to anyone about my parents divorce but after watching this video I think it might be time I talk to someone.
It is called vitness abuse .
I left a whole cart of food in the grocery store line because two customers were getting into an argument & as soon as they began raising their voices I panicked and left the store.
I had 2 bratty siblings with horrible tempers & they would scream & say abusive things to one or both my parents … my parents would either give in or try to walk away.
I can’t stand arguments to this day & avoid them at all cost.
This. This is me. I have PTSD so when I hear loud noises etc I freak out. It brings me back to cowering in my room hearing my parents fighting.
Married parents can give toxic divorce and single parent energy. My parents fought all the time and both tried to make me side with them against the bad one. My mom constantly mourned what her life could have been if she wasn't stuck with a baby. But she was 28 and married for four years when I was born.
same here. as i child i always begged that my parents would get divorced but they stayed together "for the kids" and it ended up being way more harmful to us.
Did you… have the same parents as me? For real though, my mom constantly said things in reference to her body like “you did this to me”
@@alexalang7138 it's not the months with a baby that trashes your body, is the years with donuts and cheeseburgers.
fr though
its all about "oh your father is like this" "oh your mother is like this" they say it so casually that i just accept it. they dont blame me, they blame eachother. it feels like they're passively trying to get me to choose a favorite before they eventually divorce. they don't treat each other badly though, its just banter. i dont really view it like that since they usually look like they're joking
This was my family. They "stuck together" but it was a resentful and antagonistic dynamic and mum started bemoaning to me about how shit her life had turned after marrying dad.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and dependant mother that enabled his narcissism and failed to protect us.
Same. It’s horrible still to this day. Thank god I found this video 😭
@@chelsealex19 all I can say from experience is that, at first it seems harsh and wrong. But the long term benefit of not having to carry their burden is life changing. And my family is all the better for it. I am all the better for it.
Me to. Both my parents still deny any abuse ever happened.
THAT right there sounds like my mother's parents and well... she didn't do such a good job raising me and my brother either. She has borderline and is always much too occupied with her own emotions, always in the victim role and constantly(!) fighting with my father about anything and everything on a daily(!) basis for now more than 35 years...
Growing up, I was instilled with the saying 'it can always be worse'. I knew there was something wrong, but if I dare spoke about it, anyone in my family at the time would tell me to either 'get over it' or 'be lucky you have this, it could always be worse'. That said, I would describe the family I grew up with as an amalgamation of the Anti-Love/Toxic Divorce/Aggressor+Co-Dependant traits. My old man was and had to be the center of it all and he thought his way of showing his love and appreciation was to buy material things, even when we were poor, all the time. When he was not getting his way or something was upsetting him, he had violent tendencies and took out a lot of them on us, especially my brothers. He would also talk a lot of shit about anyone and anything, from my mom to his baby momma to his own kids. I was even told that I would never amount to nothing and I've grown up to become worthless. To him, I was a failure because I didn't live up to his standards, not because there could be something else going on (I am autistic but didn't think on it up until recently), but because I was lazy, dumb, and not talented at art because there's no money to be made from that. But, you know, 'it could always be worse'.
He has since passed away for over a decade now, but any of us who had to deal with that situation are struggling in our own ways that we're more separate then before (and that was made worse due to the pandemic). In a way, he still lives rent-free in my head when my mental health tanks. I worked in minimum wage dead-end jobs until that broke me (again, pandemic made it worse and also because these jobs are extra stressful for autistic people) and now I struggle in finding a job. But, again, 'it could always be worse'.
Except... I'm starting to think that might not be the case. I've only discovered your channel recently, but it made me think of a lot of things. It's a lot to unpack and the realization that I'm not at fault for a lot of things that happened to me is slowly dawning on me. I've become way too good at keeping things on the inside that I'm at a point where I feel that I cannot say anything to anyone, not even my mom or anyone that is close to me. To confront these realizations are scary, stressful and makes me want to cry a lot, but I've kept things bottled up for too long, you know. I'm sorry for this giant wall of text, but if anyone reads this, thank you. Take care of yourself.
I can relate...
I can relate too.... so sorry you have to experience this. My abusive parents’ voice and their glares and threats also live in my head rent-free and I also struggle tremendously in life even tho I have a “good education” that looks good on paper. But I feel sad and empty and deadened a lot bc of all the internalized shame and pain of growing up with no love but only shameful behavior and messages. I do not miss my parents at all. I live far far away from them now but still can’t get their abusive images out of my head.
Thank you for sharing this... What you shared here helped me recognize something in my own experience, and I'm sure it has, or will help others.
It sounds so benign on the surface but in reality they’re just saying “I don’t care what you’re feeling or what you have to say”.
You're not worthless.
Ahhhh yes, the all good on paper. I will say - while this was the case during childhood/teemage years, my mother seemed to recognize the issue in early adulthood and it became a free-for-all. It flipped and became "scream the disfunction from the rooftops if it makes you feel better!" That was very liberating!
Same! But the “scream the dysfunction from the rooftops” was preceded by-and prompted by-a toxic divorce, lol sooo the outpouring of “wow this is all so messed up” was kind of itself messed up, at least as I experienced it.
I never even realized my family was toxic until we all moved into a 1 bedroom apartment together, and suddenly I realized with horror that I couldn't stand to be around my own family for more than minutes at a time.
I'm currently living in that hell
That's my husband and his sister...can stand each other 1 week maximum !
In my case, me and my sister...get along better once we grow up...as children we were fighting for toys or whatever all the time ....😂🤣😂
ua-cam.com/video/Q5QIFizWCsE/v-deo.html
@@kfrenchiiee same here 😩
@@yazminelle8331 I can’t stand my sister in-law she’s so toxic!
She’s very narcissistic, vain and a drama queen. I’m always hearing that she has an issue with someone, and yet plays the victim to her parents..
Everything was like "maybe?" Until the single parent, which my parents aren't divorced, but my father was so neglectful and uninvolved that my mother was raising 4 children, working, and running the house on her own, so the "you didn't ask to be a burden, and being treated as a confidant was really spot on
I was raised by a single mum on the poverty line, and I always knew that meant my childhood was a little harder than most. But now at 23 having moved out and started to figure out my life a bit, I'm only just starting to process how traumatic so much of my childhood was. Hearing you talking about the limited single parent and parents having contempt for their kids "ruining their life" was so incredibly validating. I feel like I can finally go into an counciling session now and atalk through this stuff, and know I wasn't imagining it.
The parent using their kids as a confidant is seriously affecting me. I’m too selfless at times and have a hard time acknowledging and validating my own feelings. And im at a point where I’m almost feel like I can’t tell my mom how it feels bc I’m her confidant. The superhero apology makes sense. Thankfully my dad came and saved me. Go dad
It is so hard to have a healthy, normal marriage and family when we were raised in toxic families.
it is a very lonely life 😔
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Boy that is so true and they we repeat if unhealthy.
I am dealing with this. I am afraid because I don't want to be like me mother. I want to have an amazing relationship with my son. I want it with all my heart.
It's boring, and you can try, and that could be both your goals but you cannot fix the other broken person. Because 9 times out of 10 ....your with someone like your parent. This takes very conscious people, and the knowledge it will not be perfect it will be better than what you were raised on. Changing family patterns is hard, and a choice most days.
I grew up in a cult and once I was grown and able to move out, I looked back and saw the toxicity. Very unhealthy!
No pressure to answer, but can i ask what cult you were raised in? I don’t know if that is a weird or inappropriate question to ask, if it is, I am sorry!
@@Margaretj13 my sister and I were raised in one as well. It’s called Christianity.
@@Margaretj13 For me it was Islam. Very backwards form of Christianity in hindsight (also after talking to Christian individuals), powered by shame and backed by a toxic sense of community and other-ing
i personally experienced a mix of “looks good on paper” and “anti-love” which resulted in me having a fun combination of extremely high standards and hatred for myself. i have struggled for years to believe that i am a good person, that i am worth loving, and that i still will be loved even if i make a mistake. as an adult i’m very sensitive, and at the first sign that anyone is disappointed or upset with me i completely crumble. but having moved away from my parents & getting therapy, things are definitely getting better. so to anyone out there experiencing something similar- you are good and you are worth loving, even if you don’t always feel like it. the inherent value you have will not go away because you don’t live up to a standard. and finally, it’s okay to be upset that you were taught the opposite. it’s okay to be angry. you deserve to acknowledge that how you were raised was wrong, and you deserve to heal from it.
i am also a mix of those two twinz 🥰 haate this for us lmao
Thank you for saying this. I’m literally crying right now because I’m so stressed. I have CPTSD, and it’s kicking my butt today. I definitely struggle with feeling like I’m not a good person, perfectionism, and with wondering if I’m worth loving. Today especially. But when I saw this, the tears started rolling and I felt so angry… So angry for the emotional and sometimes physical neglect, so angry for the sibling violence I witnessed and experienced, so angry for my older brother repeatedly sexually abusing me… so scared and angry for all the health issues and unexpected traumatic events I’ve lived through. I am just so angry… and tired.
And that’s okay. It’s okay that I’m freaking angry for not having the safety and security, the emotional love and connections I should have had growing up, because now that I see what I’ve lived through, maybe for the first time, I can finally heal these wounds.
Maybe… I can learn to thrive and overcome the odds, because I’ve already survived, so I know I’m resilient and resourceful. Now I just need to learn better coping and life skills that I didn’t get to while growing up.
This. So much. For me, love was never unconditional and I often feel unlovable. It's the one thing I have sworn to myself my kids would never feel like. I tell them I love them, no matter what, all the time. And I mean it. I'm not a perfect mom by a long shot, but my kids know I'm in their corner and nothing they can do or say will make me stop loving them. There are no conditions to meet, no hoops to jump through. They deserve the kind of love I didn't get to have.
just as I was about to move out of my parent's house pandemic hit?
I lost the two jobs I held as my last resource to land on my feet
and had to postpone this ultimate goal to the foreseeable future
if anyone ask how haven't I gone mad I have no answer
I probably did, but just continue to live with some degree of normalcy
just waiting for the unconscious demon to wake up and screw me again
Wow, my family modeled all those systems over time. I knew we were "off" but never realized how much of an impact it had. Probably why my brother and I never had children. Very grateful I have had the opportunity to get help to resolve the trauma and release the past.
Hugs, to all the other who grew up like this. You all deserve so much more. Love and light.
Looks Good On Paper. I was never allowed to express negative emotions as a kid. I wasn't allowed to be sad, or angry, or disappointed, or frustrated. My mom told me that those kinds of things make Jesus unhappy, and that's the worst thing anyone can do. I was always getting in trouble for crying, which made me cry more, which meant I got more punishment. Eventually I learned how to suppress my crying, to the point where I'm still basically incapable of crying to this day.
By the time I reached my teen years, I was just a walking mess of suppressed emotions, which caused a few mental health issues. I still get pretty bad anxiety any time I try to express myself, especially with any negative emotions. I wish I could just leave all that baggage behind forever, but for now I'm just taking whatever steps I can, including writing this comment.
Also thanks for acknowledging that this stuff can apply to non-hetero families, that's something a lot of people overlook.
The part about Jesus sounds like triangulation. Jesus was the victim (of you), your mother was the savior (hey, that's Jesus's job!) and you were the perpetrator. I am sorry that happened to you. By the way, your mother clearly misunderstood Jesus. He would have offered you kindness in times of grief, not cause you more grief. Take care.
@@sophiareed8266 as someone who grew up in a religious household, I've never thought of it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. It felt like Jesus was a cop out for me being ashamed of myself, perpetrated by my parents.
I love how people use jesus to carry out abuse... Same.
lol i was GROOMED to go to nursing school. By my whole nuclear AND extended family. I was never allowed any emotion (even happiness lol mom said my excitement abt stuff is not needed, it doesnt look good etc etc) so I’m so emotionally stunted i can’t even cry. Literally can’t. My sis and i both have anxiety and depression and can’t express ourselves properly. I personally cannot keep a relationship. It’s just been shiiiiit hahaha
My grandma was the exact same way. She watched me a lot as a small child since both of my parents were working at the time, and she raised me pretty much the exact same way. You're not alone in this, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
I hope you're doing better, best wishes to you.
My mother's favourite words was "I brought you here and you'll be nothing without me" 😂. I proofed her wrong. I walked away from my dysfunctional family and narc mother and got my own home and started my own family and moved on with my happy life without them.
Good on you
Yeah, but watch that you don’t become like your mother. Your mother was probably toxic because her parents were, and the past generations can really predict how you’ll raise your child.
Happy for you. Not because it is Blood we will tolerate abuse and dispespect
I had all of these. Trying to be a better parent but it’s hard not to repeat some patterns. Wishing everyone on here healing ❤️
Same
God bless you
Its god damn hard not to repeat your parents mistakes.I constantly reflect am I like my dad or mum .Its tough
Same here. Sending you strength ❤ I'm so scared I'm going to mess my little girl up somehow. I'm doing everything I can to heal and educate myself so she doesn't have to suffer the same way I did. Its so hard.
maybe introducing your child to the behaviours of a toxic parent may help? so they can recognise if you unintentionally do any of them.
Glad it's not just me honestly, I went down the list and one by one got a big yup for all of them and was like what the hell 😅 did my mother read the manual or what?
Wishing you well. We're healing by recognizing the breadth of what we went through.
I really appreciate that you don't just describe these family types but you do it compassionately and you provide some guidance with what to do with the information. Versus some UA-camrs, with very high credentials, provide very charged info about narcissism or toxic families and then leave the listener with a lot of intense information. Good stuff.
As the child of immigrant parents I feel like a lot of us can relate to the first example ! ‘Looks good on paper’
They are also usually obsessed with their daughters not having sex. This is why Catholics are the best lovers. If we're going to get punished for having sex, we may as well have an awesome time doing it!
@@msdemeanour In reality, it makes Catholics more likely to be pedophiles.
Definitely, can't take art without the fear of letting everyone down. Don't want to become a nurse or a doctor it's too much and expensive. Either that or join the military for their papers.
It's rather difficult to accept... The moments that were healthy were so precious and magical, I have such gratitude for them, and so it feels treacherous to view my upbringing as "toxic" or "unsafe" or "traumatic." Yet these videos keep proving applicable enough to get me crying, so needless to say, I'm evaluating the bizarre course of my adult life in an uncomfortable new light. Thank you, I think.
It's good that you can still cry. And that you can still hold the good things close to you. I am 41 and completely bitter about my family abuse system. Thankfully, my husband and I are both working so hard to break our family cycles together for our kids.
I resonate with this. The awesome great moments vs the terrible toxic moments….being the first born and an ENFP I thought a great deal of my mother….and my mother was loved by everybody I believed she loved me very much but she struggled with addiction and as an adult the rosed colored glasses I viewed her through were shattered. The reality of the back and forth, up and down…great times and sad times really did a number on me, but I am growing/healing but it’s an emotional journey forsure
The thing is we need a real family to be happy and we don't even realize most of the time we don't have a solid family usually the test is when stuff goes bad or you break with whatever weak principles the family works off of
Not a single person in my family was cluster B, and none, on an individual basis, were all that bad, but together, they can be absolutely horrible. My family were experts at winning an argument. Several accused me of always arguing fairly as an insult, like, "Ah ha! Gotchya!". "You do realize, where I'm coming from, you guys just gave me a compliment of honor and integrity?" They'll make you feel like you did something bad and deserve punishment one day, and a week later, they'll mock and belittle you for being kind and "naive". I could go on and on but what really gets me is I'm convinced none of them are bad people, just mentally twisted.
Most family systems arent textbook evil cults of abuse, so its not unusual to have a few very nice memories. My parents didnt plan to be toxic, they are no narcissists. But they made mistakes after mistakes and continue to do so. We still shared some really nice memories and we still love each other. A lot of things just could have been better.
Looks good on paper.. my parents are seemingly great people and everyone loves them. They keep up appearances on facebook and appearing like great church goers. When it comes to parenting, absolutely emotionally absent. What made me so angry is my mom would cry when family or friends came over about how worried she is but to my face she is emotionally absent and emotionally does not make any space for talking about my feelings or how I’m doing. As long as I went to school and didn’t make the kitchen dirty was all that matters. I’m 25 and moved out for a long time but she still never asks how I’m doing. As long as she looks good on Facebook...
I often wish my parents would just leave me alone like that, I grew up with the opposite of this, where every visceral emotion was ready to fly at a moment’s notice, from my mom in particular, and constantly asking me to do things with or for her, which is good in moderation but I never felt I established a separate identity from her. When I moved out she’d text or call every day to ask what I was doing and if I was safe. I am 6’ and 175lbs muscular, but she acted like I was a permanent infant in need of her protection.
I’m sure she had her reasons. Ironically the antidote to get her to ease up was A) for her to reach menopause and B) for me to start following her around and continually ask if she was doing alright, bringing her snacks and trying to help her with her hobbies. She seems to be starting to understand the ridiculousness of it now that I’m 27.
She sounds like a covert narc or sociopath or both. They are so sneaky about going around telling everyone how much they care & worry ab you while they’re in the middle of abusing or neglecting you. That way, you can’t ever seek help outside of them. No one would believe you. I’m glad you got out.
That's so sad man...parents who don't care about their kids. Their kids are just pawns to use to get attention from strangers.
A Calming video on How Bad Parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
I really can’t believe how long it took me to realise that not being taught to clean up after myself is neglectful. Like I didn’t grow up miserable because I’m dramatic and controlling, I was miserable because I literally was not supposed to be in that environment and it’s not normal that my mother didn’t mind HERSELF being in that environment.
Neglect is abuse.
I feel more depressed watching this lol my family is pretty much a lil bit of all of them, no wonder I'm messed up
How are you doing 😊😊👋👋😊👋☺️
Same here, i feel you
I hit all but the last 2. Im currently in the number 1 relationship. Ouch.
I finally understand.
Chaos system
- Born and raised in a war zone (Bosnia)
- alcoholic father
- codependent mother
- parentified, emotional support for my mother, but also infantilized when became an adult
- enmeshed, no boundaries
17 years of struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dissociation, being overly medicated...
Felt utter helplessness and shame all my life.
Finally I can understand why. Thank you!
My family treated this video like a checklist
Gotta keep it 100%
Wow. My own family was a combination of Ships In The Night and Anti-Love. There was no sense of family or support, a constant feeling of survival, and this lasted through adulthood. Ultimately I decided in my late-40s that if I was going to be alone I might as well do so without the constant hostility and this led to estrangement from my family.
I'd describe the Ships in the Night and Anti-Love combo as, "Having kids is 'fine' until any of their needs actually inconveniences the adults."
Don't be emotional, don't ask for money or rides, and minimize your presence in the house as much as possible.
On the "Looks good on paper" is it also possible that because the child has been constantly criticized, that they end up becoming very defensive about any criticism they receive as adults?
Yep that's me sadly 💀💀but I will get help..
Oh yes, yes it is
Yup
The "looks good on paper " one is a very very violent one...coz they are all about appearances...all about what people are going to think of us if we show who we really are...pretty violent....always hiding behind masks....they know how to hide who they truely are....awful...and dangerous
This is definitely my mother I'm afraid. To the point that I think her incapable of self reflection to see if an action she has done or neglected to do has hurt someone. Any type of criticism or opinion on something she doesn't want to accept usually becomes met with a wall of deflection and character assassination. But this is not obvious to the general public as she is very good at keeping up the stereotypical good appearance of a parent in providing a good home and food.
My mum screamed once, 'It's HER fault I had to marry him!!'
She was talking about me. It was my fault, because I was a foetus.....I don't think so, love 🙄
Proud of you for recognizing that level of bullshit. :D
No it's not your fault that's ridiculous statement she said
Hello, birth control....To blame the child...wow.
Your mom is a child lashing out, just like mine is. It's so silly when you actually step back and look at the absurdity of their words, rather than taking them personally. Good on you :D
You are meant to be here.
You have a purpose.
All love.Blessing.
When I first went to see my therapist and I heard that all the things I faced as a child were, in fact, abuse and it wasn't okay I let out all the tears I held in throughout my life. Growing up with a narcissistic mother was the worst, even now when I tell her about things that happened as a child she gaslights me. "that didn't happen" "you're making stuff up" "why do you make me feel so bad" "maybe I should've never been born so that YOU were never born"
That’s so cruel. I’m so sorry.
I've heard the same from my mother. Lots of love for you, I hope you're doing better now
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
GODDAMMIT SAME HERE I TAKE IT OUT ON GOD HOPE HE HELPS STILL
I'm so sorry. 😞 my mom was cruel like that too...she blamed be for the troubles in her marriage ever since I was 7 years old. Any little thing that went wrong somehow someway ended up becoming MY fault because of something I have done. They were always so quick to point the finger, but if anyone were to ever try to make them see the unfair treatment they do unto others----- it's always "Oh yeah I know I'm such a terrible mother aren't I?" "Yep, I am so awful anything else? How about you tell me some more ways of how I'm just the worst mother in the world?" "Yep it's all my fault isn't it."
The last one was so ironic to me...considering she always faulted me for everything. She was such a narcissist that I honestly don't even know if she thinks she was ever at fault for anything.
I'm 28 now, moved out a while ago, and still she tries to pull shit with me. But I don't have to stand for it. I took about a year long break from speaking with her and didn't even tell her my new phone number, or address. Told my Dad and he didn't give them to her per my request thankfully. He felt terrible that he didn't stand up for me back then. Still does. His life would be made even worse if he did stand up for me and "get in the middle." But since he didn't, I was just left to take my mom's shit alone and it hurt me so much that my dad just stood by to watch. Sometimes she would "force" him to agree with her...so fucked. Lots of therapy. Looooots of therapy was needed to undo all that damage. My brother was the "golden child" my whole life. He was treated so well, and I was just my mother's emotional punching bag. Little did she know that her "good boy" molested me for years when I was young :(
Found this hard to watch both as a child from an abusive family but also as a parent who knows that they have brought up children in an unhealthy environment. During it I was struggling so much but I'm starting to see how my own kids' childhood has been affected.Even more sadness, guilt and shame added to the childhood amounts BUT really hoping to build a better life for all of us.Thank you for sharing it
I so relate to your post, I was raised in a very toxic home, and unknowingly traumatized my kids growing up because of my own upbringing and addictions I was trying to overcome. Forgive yourself and be the parent they need now, you can't change the past but you can help them heal! Good luck 🤞
And apologize sincerely.
It’s never too late to do the repair work with our children. If my parents had been willing to do this I wouldn’t have gone no contact.
I sent this to all my friends and played" which are you?" I trauma bond with all my relationships because I instinctively look for other bruised people.
I do that too ngl
I used to.
Now I don't have close friends anymore.
Oh shi- i just sent this to my bff (who also lives in a dysfunctional household and we act as each other's therapist) and i told her 'hey i found your family' 😭😭
Wow when you said "they might struggle with actually unpacking" I literally laughed out loud. I just wasn't expecting you to know me so well.
Same, my parents divorced when i was 11 (I'm almost 20 now), and since then I've been moving from house to house every week or so. I now live with my mother permanently, but I'm not really able to use my closet, since it still feels like i'll have to pack it all up someday anyway. I also struggled a lot with putting my clothes in the laundry, since I wasn't sure if it would be washed in time for me to use it again
@@evaleuverink911 you are a hero for coming to this realization so young. This is important work to do for ourselves and you're starting right now, rather than self-destructing or numbing out or choosing partners like your family. Good for you. You can do it.
When he introduced the chaos family, I though that was a dynamic that didn't apply to me, but then he went into the effects and described me perfectly. In my first apartment I didn't even bother acquiring a sofa until someone gave me one for free 4 months later.
I leave things in boxes for years because I do eventually have to move 🙃 all the time. I hate it 😒. I suck at organizing
"The types of issues that you struggle with as an adult is predictable from the types of family structures that we grow up in." Wow. Yes.
I grew up with anti-love/chaos there were toxic divorce tones though they never divorced, or split up really- they just resented each other so much.
There were “toxic single parent vibes” because we were so neglected that I as the oldest totally took over parenting my siblings
And the aggressor+codependent was huge.
It hurt so much when I realised my codependent parent was as bad or worse than my agressor parent
I absolutely had the toxic single parent and ended up helping raise my little brother . My mom would also talk bad about my dad who was dead, and then turn around and constantly tell me how much like him I was. It was confusing and hurtful.
This comment made me tear up a little because I relate to it in a way. Sometimes when my dad is really angry with me, he says he sees my mom in me. It's so horrible to use someone's parent as an insult. That person is a person, too.
my grandpa told me i looked so much like my dead grandma (who he cheated with btw) that he had to hex me 😐 i don't look like her, one of my sisters does, so idk why that comment was directed towards me...
Ah yes, this is because even though you have literally 50 percent of her genetic makeup, in her mind, you can't be her child, since her child wouldn't do this or that and would be "perfect", as in perfectly obedient. So she puts the blame of your "imperfection" on the other 50 percent of you: your father. Narcissistic mothers will do this when the spouse is dead or divorced them. Since they're no longer in the picture to serve their purpose.
My mother would go out and party, meet up with dudes meanwhile my little brother and I would basically be home alone all weekend. I cooked, made sure he was showering/brushing teeth, bed on time, trash etc then we would go to my dad's and he would just sit on the couch and... exist. Still had to take care of my brother. The only thing he did was talk shit about my mom and it worked for years. I hated her. Now I've seen the light and hate both...
Oh god, yeah, my single mom called my dad a sociopath repeatedly, and she would often bring it up and warn me not to be a sociopath, I still have paranoia about being socopathic or being a bad person, as a result I have been excessively agreeable and ashamed of my own desires in life to a degree, very hard to have relationships, I tend to sabotage it because I'm afraid that I will be a bad partner and repeat the pattern