My 7 Types Of Toxic Family Systems
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- Опубліковано 4 чер 2024
- In this video I talk about the 7 different types of toxic family systems that I have noticed working in my private practice while working with adult childhood trauma survivors.
In this video we cover: triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, single parent, divorce, chaotic family, codependency.
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Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:57 Connect With Me
2:54 7. Looks Good On Paper
6:19 6. Ships In The Night
8:37 5. Anti-Love
11:42 4. Chaos System
14:45 3. Toxic Divorce
19:10 2. Toxic Single Parent
22:04 1. Aggressor + Codependent
24:52 Foster Care/Adopted
26:06 Final Thoughts
27:20 Outro
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Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Whenever I heard the argument from parents who say “I clothed, fed, and gave you a home!!!” to their kids whenever they try to bring up something awful they did to their child, I always think this: You know who else clothes, feeds, and gives people a home? Prison. But they don’t do it out of love.
Literally what they are required to do. No rewards given for doing the bare minimum. Every person who chooses to be a parent signs up for 18 years of meeting all essential needs. No child should ever feel they owe their parents anything for having their basic needs met. Kids didn't choose to be born. It is 100% on the parents.
One day I was fighting with my father because at 18 he would still want to rule every single aspect of my life and make all the decisions. When I said „no, it‘s my life“ he said he fed me, dressed me and put a roof over my head and if I was so damn ungrateful for that I should pay him back all the expenses I costed him. For years he literally expected me to pay him everything back, even the money he spent on diapers!!!!!! Wth?????
Anyway, things got worse but after some years I could escape that hell and cut off any contact with them. I have been free and safe for 6 years now 🍀
@@wildcrocus my parents were by no mean perfect. Nor were they ideal as parents. They made a lot of mistakes. When I look back on their flaws I see them as just been human. When they say stuff like that they just reminding you of who's taking care of you. Nothing is wrong with that. And there's no law that says they have to be good parents. None! I mean it would be nice if they have good parents! That would be a plus! But it was common for dads to say he walked 12 miles in 6 ft of snow with no shoes on whenever you asked for new shoes to go with that one outfit you planned to wear on a date.
It was planned since birth that I work to pay their mortgage, not any other life. I had no choice. Once I found out I walked away.
My mom used to yell at this at me all time, and things similar to that. Once when I was about 16 I finally yelled back "it's not my fault you chose to have kids and then had to take care of them". She did not like that...My mom is a narcissist and always acted like my sister and I owed her everything. To this day if we argue she still says shit like "I'm the mother, you need to respect me" like yea, ok, your lucky we still talk. 🙄
The problem is the parents being parents when they are children themselves.
There was a certain point in my life whilst transitioning from a boy to a young man that I realized that no one actually knows wtf is going on, every adult is just an overgrown kid, still holding on to all the memories and feelings that we had when we were young and we're all just doing our best to help each other learn. That's why once you reach a certain age, you don't feel different w each passing year, because your physical growth has stopped and it's up to you to grow as a *person.*
Or just flat out unfit to take care of themselves let alone children.
@@OddWolf666 Everyone is still a child TO A CERTAIN EXTANT. Yes your childhood never leaves you and shapes your personality, but it is very much possible to digest it and make peace with it, and end up in a place where understanding what was going on then gives you at least a basic idea of what is going on now. That's what maturity means. People also call that adulthood, even though there's indeed a quiproquo. Being an adult in a mature sense doesn't mean no longer being a child, but rather no longer being JUST A CHILD. What Brandon was saying is that unfortunately, many people involve themselves in parenthood when they completely lack that maturity, and the undigested trauma or shortcomings from their own childhood - in which they're stuck emotionally - get in the way and prevent them from dedicating their mental energy to caring properly for another.
@Lena Medina just rough pal, wish I could help :(
@Lena Medina yup! My mom had me at 17, and my paternal grandmother was the one who told me how much her grandparents (my great-grandparents, who were wonderful) helped her out. My mom tried to take credit for SO MUCH that other people did for her.
Every time I go to someone else’s house and see how their family operates, I have the same thought: ‘they all seem to like each other a lot.’ The concept of a family genuinely enjoying one another’s company is so foreign to me.
looks good on paper fam;)
I agree. I know families who actually spend time together. My family? We're likely to kill each other. Not joking. I'm literally terrified of my brothers, who've been known point guns at each other's faces, had cops called because they were wrestling over the gun, etc. My sisters are almost as bad, except they've never pulled a gun on anyone, just started fights that get pretty bad, including physical. My family hates me, and the feeling is now mutual. Needless to say, we pretty much avoid each other at all costs. If I saw my brother or sister in a grocery store, I'd turn around and walk out before they spotted me lol. Seriously.
But then stay a week or two and you’ll soon have a toxic label for them too for not functioning to the perfect dynamic you’d wish for yourself.
maybe you’re the reason, give it some thought
@@turolretar who, me? Lmao. Yeah, I'm the reason they were shoving guns in each other's faces, when I lived and worked at least 200 miles away at the time. Geez. Pull your head out. Smdh.
My family is a combination of Ships in the Night and Anti-Love.
I've told my spouse and therapist that my parents raised us like houseplants. We were physically cared for, but there was no real interest in us as people.
My friends, my hobbies, my emotions were treated with mockery, and I'm just starting to come to terms with how damaging that was.
:(
My family likes to remind me of things I've done as a child that I don't really remember. Then laugh about it
@@InterdactedI’m glad im not alone with this!
House plants…perfect definition.
Wow, the term “houseplants”….that hit me hard. That’s all I was.
@@dogscott7881 yup, raised like a houseplant, except I remember my dad did broke my toys and destroyed my favorite houseplant that I have been trying to grow with them, just because I didn't let him watch his show.
I prefer to not have a child than have a child and hurt it.
amen
This is me rn. I used to really want kids, but years with my parents just made me not want to take that risk for the child's sake
@@gokuorimura8084 yes^
this. dont have a kid just to have a kid
I have my 2 boys, not because I wanted kids… I didn’t because of my upbringing… but since I have them I have tried my hardest to be nothing like my parents in every way. It has worked thankfully, but now that they are older my personality issues are coming back full force. 😞
Good on paper family sounds like -
"There is no war in Ba Sing Se..."
😁
Here we are safe, here we are free.
👍
I love this comment ❤️
BAHAHA
As an adult, my mom met a new friend of mine and commented - with true astonishment - “she really likes you”! That one comment told me everything about my childhood, and why I always felt like an alien in my family.
i'm so sorry , that is actually horrible
i hope ur still friends w that person
What? I dont understand
@@tulipsandpeaches1834 being suprised that anyone could possibly ever want her daughter's company is telling of her own attitude towards annie
Mine did that just recently with her old friend. I'm 63! She was so surprised that this respected friend ( who doesn't suffer fools gladly) thought my husband and I especially delightful 🤷
“If I’m miserable, you should be too.” Wow, describes my dad to a T. I feel seen, thank you for this video! ❤️
Oh my god😢 my dad also....
Yea you don't know what parents had to do or go through for your existence, your dad had to give up his dreams for 30 secs of pleasure and stuck wit yo momma
My spouse‘s philosophy…
🐞 Lazybuggg, are we we related?!? Lol! Or at least, I can relate. 🙈 😔
Sounds like my dad; his problem, not ours.
As a child I was often told that I was mature for my age, and now I'm told the opposite. Oh how the turns have tabled.
Lol same
You had to be mature to survive your childhood, maybe?
Fkn SAME
Me too! Usually nowadays my parents tell me that I need to "grow up"
Bitch I'm 19 and barely coping shut the F*CK up.
Here's to healing! :)
Glad to hear im not the only one
I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that parentification isn't normal. It's such an embedded thing in my culture, people will applaud you for supposedly being mature for your age and understanding of your parent/s struggles. Like it's somehow a good thing to have lost your youth so young because you had to compensate for an absentee parent and an abusive single parent.
I felt this 😔
And the worst thing is, then my other family expect me to always act as adult, especially to their own children who aren't that far in age to me.
It's like, I don't have the right to be kid myself.
Absolutely!!
This really hurts knowing how much I relate to this. I have two parents, and they treat me well, or it feels like that but at the same time, being super mature is just expected, especially from me. I have to do well in school, I have to organize my own schedule, I cant accidentally say the wrong thing without being shamed. I cant express emotion without being told I was imature. It got to the point that by the time I was 12, acting 15 wasn't enough. I had to be 18. And the worst part is that my brother is expected to act perfectly normal for his age, just because he was younger. Another part of it that I think really impacted this was that my brother was loud, roudy, and attention seeking, and I was a lot quieter. I have this huge pressure to do well, to take care of my brother, to organize myself and cause my parents minimal stresss, and it just places this huge burden on me.
Yep, I have to act more mature than my parents, and that's been like that since I was...maybe 6? (Of course I couldn't, but I was punished for that) and at 11 or so is when I became more mature than them, and I never realized that was not normal until one year ago or so...
Its toxic shame usually disguised as perfectionism just when the slightest mistake happen these people plunge into deep shameful feelings that there whole identity is disturbed … you can be perfect but not attached to it that you deny life itself and emotions its crazy and inhumane
Anti-love and toxic/codependent are so familiar I could cry and scream at the same time. The struggle for sanity is a daily reality for me.
"The struggle for sanity is a daily reality for me."
How sad! Unfortunately, I can relate to this... 🙁
Our broader culture endorses these systems and government is legislating them. The message in our schools, our workplaces, our institutions is " Don't complain, don't expect help and don't expect anyone to care. AND if you continue to annoy us with your petty problems, you will be slapped down." It isn't just toxic families and I hope that therapists and patients realize that.
I don't know where you're from, but in France, it's more like "I don't care about you, but I'll gladly pretend to care if I can take money from you"
The thing is toxic families are the root of the issue in society. The people that makes the laws, rules, regulations, corporations, work environments, systems live in toxic family dynamics and came from toxic dynamics. Which I bet is why they strived to be in such power positions because according to them no one was/will ever make them feel powerless ever again. Hurt people hurt people, going around bleeding on people and spreading their misery like the disease it is. Hence the Anti-Love: "If I'm miserable everyone is going to miserable." archetype.
Yes!!!
I've been in therapy and all I remember from 10 years was, "Well, you have friends though right? So I did my job it's on you after you graduate."
I think number 7 is the one you mean, there's a reason we're stereotyped in foreign countries as these perfectionists who put pressure on our youths
Everyone calls it childhood trauma when it’s really life trauma. The trauma of a toxic or dysfunctional family never ends cause even as an adult you have to endure the trauma of walking away from a family or/and not having family support, or staying in the toxic and dysfunction. Either is trauma. People think it’s just in childhood. Nope that’s just when you have a higher probability of being dependent on family than an adult.
Thank you for saying this, as sad but true as it is
It’s also ongoing because emotions don’t just go away. Fear in childhood, terror on childhood, severe ongoing child abuse does such damage that victims carry it their whole lives. It causes complex PTSD, which basically ruins a person’s chances to live a normal life.
@@KaagrantI strongly agree... I have CPTSD, i was vaguely aware of the multiple mental/emotional/physical/sexual trauma's of my childhood but it didn't impact me until i was 63, ... i had a mental collapse and all the memories of my childhood surfaced in all their "glory". It took 3 years for the professionals to figure out what was going on and why i was losing awareness of the passage of time. Along with the CPTSD, there is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which didn't surprise me because i seemed to have the word "scapegoat" on my back for my entire life) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which did surprise me) with at least 14 separate alters identifiable at the time of diagnosis.
-- i was lucky, i ran into nurturing people as i grew up, women who could see that i was not getting the loving support it takes to have a mentally stable child . That probably kept me from mentally collapsing much earlier on, it was not until the last of my support system collapsed that i did.
@Tensay H Not sure if I misunderstood you, but my experience is that if you have low self-esteem and poor childhood programming then you don't even know you have the right to make any decision for yourself. Most relationships I have had with any others, "friends", work colleagues, random people, 8 out of 10 times have resulted in a similar dynamic to my toxic family of origin. I have also experienced a number of physical traumas as an adult which I attribute to my toxic programming as I made poor disempowering decisions.
I have recently cut off my family as I went through a catastrophic collapse (of many) that I could no longer avoid looking at. I am middle-aged but due to my programming, I actually didn't know I had the right to cut off my family as an adult. Even when I chose to no longer see "friends" I still felt like a child and didn't think I had the right to and that I was being naughty. People then treated me as such (as a naughty kid). So for me, with my programming there was/is no autonomous me who is in charge of my life. I was programmed to exist for everyone else's purpose whatever that might be and I had no right to have boundaries let alone enforce them. I am only just learning how to be an adult but really I am still a child in an adult's body. Disturbing really.
@Tensay H a comment made by someone who was not abused as a child.
You can't just choose to walk away. That's like telling a depressed person to stop being sad.
I don't know what love is. That's not me being "oo edgy" that's me saying that I don't know the difference between an abusive relationship and a healthy one. I don't feel comfortable knowing people who don't hit me/berate me/demean me/otherwise abuse me. It's not some sort of sick BDSM masochism or anything, I just don't know how to exist otherwise. When people are nice to me, it is deeply uncomfortable because they will eventually "snap" and be even WORSE than usual, as I've been taught through my whole childhood. "Kindness is the calm before the storm." I can't live being treated nicely, it's terrifying. It's stressful, far more stressful than any beating can be. because beatings are honest, and they end eventually, but "kindness"... "Kindness" is usually a mask that's used to hide building aggression that will explode in unpredictable ways.
Even if I "choose to walk away" from my family, I will be abused by other people who are not family that I inevitably meet through my life. OR if by some miracle there are good people that find me valuable, I'll live in perpetually increasing panic as the days go on while this person does NOT abuse me, becoming more and more paranoid about how bad the outburst is going to be after all of this kindness is wasted on me. I get so stressed and paranoid that eventually, hanging out with these people (who don't abuse me for some odd reason), causes severe anxiety and I get to the point that I can't even be in the same room as them without breaking down and feeling like it's time for their aggression they've been hiding to come out. And since it's been so long that they've had to "hold back" there's a lot of "catching up" to do on correcting me.
My life has to be either abuse, constant anxiety that leads to broken friendships, or solitude. These are the only options available to me, due to my upbringing.
So explain to me how I'm supposed to choose to walk away.
almost every asian family when he mentions traits of "good on paper" families: **nervous sweating**
📠
Speak for yourself lol
Healthy gammer gg
@@VSM101 alright but does it matter? It's as long their point was sent across 🗿
I'm from a Latino family, but I dated someone for a few years who was Chinese-American. Honestly, when I saw "Looks Good On Paper" I was, like, "That was Ning's family. Yikes!"
I remember when I first started dating my husband, and when I went to dinner at his house to meet his family for the first time... It was such a completely opposite environment than what I was used to. I thought that his family relationships felt surreal and like they were putting up a front like my family did to make it seem like the "perfect" family, but no, they were all just genuinely good people and they actually got along, and my mom wondered why I preferred to spend time with his family and not with her.
Edit: also, am I the only one that can relate to all 7 of these systems? I had all of these things going on in one example or another.
I got 4 out of 7!
This was my exact experience too! And it's so nerve wracking and humiliating to have to slowly let your partner know that your family isn't the same at all. One day few years back my boyfriend actually got emotional and shed a few tears asking why my mom doesn't like him when he tries his best to get on her good side. Then, last month he was staying over with me and my family. Him and I went shopping, and when we came to my house he was excitedly showing my parents what he bought and they just criticised everything he had to say. Later on he told me now he understands that I'm better off not telling them anything. It's kinda sad how naive he is around them.
@@TheDaniela3112 oh I completely understand that! My husband was so anxious too because he wanted my family to like him so much, but at some point I just had to prioritize myself and my own happiness/relationships over theirs, cause at some point I realized that it's just impossible to please my family, everything I did was a disappointment no matter what.
Sometimes when my Partner visits, he looks at me all baffled and goes "why do they treat you like that?" and it's very sobering
oh wow 6 out of 7
It's what I marvel at all the time; when my best friend talks abt her upbringing or her favorite family member. I love spending time with her and am slowly learning that I'm actually not that bad of a person to hang out with.
Im breaking the curse, no kids. End the bloodline. End the trauma. Make the world a marginally better place.
I am doing that same
man hands on misery to man.
it deepens, like a coastal shelf.
get out as early as you can,
and don't have any kids yourself.
I had one son. He chose to have none. That bloodline and trauma has ended. At last.
Same. Me and my sister, we're doing the same after a whole childhood of being made to feel "grateful" and that we had to "give back" for all the "sacrifices" our parents made for us.
Same. I refuse to bring another person into this world just for trauma and society to crush them.
I really appreciate the advice to hold parents accountable for their behavior
But how? If I would do that directly they would brake.
I hope the restricted contact makes them think.
(A couple years back it was no contact, but now I try a new form of relationship... but it feels like paddling back)
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii It is More Of an Personal Radical Acceptance of you accepting they Should be held Accountable Authentically ...its requires a grieving process with Some..
Jerry Wise has good advice how to Self Differentiate in Non Polarized Ways Based on how Toxic your Family and your own Maladaptive Behaviors are.
I was able to pull back from my Family of Origin to do Self Understanding Work and then I Could Reconnect with the Relationships I had with the Non Malevolent Members In Much Healthier and Truly Authentic Ways.
@@fairygurl9269 thank you!
But with some what?
My mother doesn't acknowledge anything she's done. She was a perfect mother with terrible kids who remember everything wrong. 😒
Do you have any videos about how a toxic parent can try to make amends for all the damage they have done to their child?
The first one “Looks Good On Paper” really hit home - very religious parents who saw problems as failures and weaknesses. When we told our parents we all had mental issues my mum responded “oh so it’s all our fault?! You are so ungrateful - I must be such a bad mum that all my 7 children are depressed! And I thought you had a happy childhood“
Reading this is sorta cathartic for me, had a very similar experience. I’d say my upbringing was a bit of a mix of one and two. Mom and dad were both very religious, socially conservative, but we were working class. Dad worked a lot, so much that I really don’t have many memories of him until I was around high school age. Eventually dad got a new job and promoted and we were living in a nice suburb going to a prestigious school. Apparently all this material wealth, which I really didn’t experience growing up anyway, was supposed to make up for me essentially raising myself when I was young. Then they get mad and say I’m ungrateful any time I bring up my perspective.
I relate the most about telling our parent we had mental issue, my mom literally said the same thing and then she wondered why i don't wanna be open to her
Threads like this is why I haven't been pushed over to deploy my homicidal feelings. Thank all of you, here.
Yup, one more here.
To be fair, what is a parent supposed to think when they hear that they have raised 7 mentally broken people? They blame themselves, of course.
Ships in the Night really hit home for me... I didn't realize that wasn't normal until now. I have a lot of unaddressed intimacy issues and an avoidant-attachment style. My parents slept in separate rooms and were never home. We never spent time together as a family. We never sat down and ate a meal together, everyone fended for themselves. I almost pride myself too much on my independence as an adult. I don't let anyone get close to me. And yes, it is sad.
Same
Oh my I have the exact opposite we had to sit down at the dinner table and this was in the late 60s every night and tremble in fear as The Stepfather question. about our school work which we all were failing because we were so stressed at home; then he would tell us about how we were going to get our asses beat as soon as dinner was over which led me to a life of stress eating. The Stepfather never worked so he was there constantly overshadowing and looking for something to beat us about lived in fear constantly as well as he pitted the siblings against each other. We weren't allowed to be humans we just tried to blend into the wall so they didn't notice we were there because if they did notice us it was a bad thing.
@@cwhyharris7473 wow, that's brutal... 😢I'll pray for you, I hope you are doing better today
same, I see you
Exact same experience in my case. I was always uncomfortable and shocked when I would eat dinner at a friend’s house and their family would sit around a table together.
My mother was apparently so traumatized by her dad that she was a machine. Get through the day somehow was her only mantra. I went through school with so many bullying events, flat out horrible things that no one ever, ever addressed. Chased through the hallways by mean girls, beaten up, raped, you name it. The rape was the easiest thing to get over to be honest. This was all at school! Not even talking about home lol. I gotta say I never thought I could heal and be a human just from free UA-cam videos. But here I am walking talking and rocking. Thank you kind therapist. We heal and help each other.
Hello. This whole thing is relatively new to me: i only accepted reality after a physical breakdown (massive weightloss and insomnia throughout a period of maybe a year) with a 3 day stay in intensive care and since am healing, reading a lot and found all the channels here. I am 37. Can you recommend recources? It would be highly appreciated. I had a horrible childhood and did a lot of excessive work, drugs and alcohol to "get well" and honestly thought I was just crazy and beyond help but things changed a lot - for the better. It still is very new and I am looking to adress those issues the right way. I also am sober for almost 2 years or so, which seems to have been the catalyst to understanding.. u think i know the bestsellers already (Dr. Mate, bessel van der kolk, some UA-cam channels) but would love to learn more. Best regards, Robert
I'm so sorry you had to live through all that horror,god bless ,heal,and keep you....
You’re an inspiration! I’m so sorry you had to endure all that. May you have peace and love in your heart in your healing journey ❤❤
@@Jbp-tbshI think what the commenter means by that is that compared to their other experiences, rape was the easiest to get over with. I mean, I got bullied in school and later sexually abused by my brother-in-law. And after that abuse, I think bullying is not that bad y'know
Amen!! I've had more personal growth in the past two years on UA-cam than in my 49 years as a human!
I think the model minority mentality feeds heavily into the whole “looks good on paper” thing. That’s common amongst a lot of wealth groups.
absolutely!
Absolutely, having been raised in that environment I totally agree
What about PK's and TK's - preachers' kids and teachers' kids? That's another type of model minority. If you don't live up to their expectations, Hell help you.
@@amywalker7575 idk about preacher’s kids but like 75% of the teachers I know are great parents and have well-adjusted kids 😅 they deal with them all day, they know how to respect them and give them the room to make mistakes. Not all of them, of course.
@@corneliastreet2491 Unfortunately, my parents grew up in an era where teachers were the BOSSES and students were the WORKERS. That whole "spare the rod and spoil the child" thing? That was my family. All they had to do was look at me like they were threatening to spank me, and I'd crack like an egg.
When I told my parents to stop fighting:
"we are just discussing, honey"
*world word 3 is going on in the living room*
when i tried it was either them telling me that if i did one of my "crazy person crisis" (they were panic atacks lol) they would put me in an '""insane asylum'"" (yikes) or most of the time straight up COMPLETLY ignore me 😃
it was like i didnt existed like A GHOST, terrible 🤡
the worst thing is that this occured recently, im 20 now, they will never learn and this fact blows my mind :)
@@camila-qr7mv aww I'm sorry hun, I have panic attacks too and know exactly what it feels like, sometimes friends can be better then blood relatives, we can choose our own family now😊 hope you are doing okay 😊
my mother and her boyfriend always corrected me and said "no it's just an argument/disagreement sweetie :) every couple goes through this :) we're just so similar"; it was one of the few times I didn't take their advice and kept on calling it what it was: a fight. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I hope you know you that can trust your instincts! That's something I still have some trouble with bc of my experiences, but there's ways to heal from it
@@elidiac5045 we are a lot alike yes :) and I'm sorry you also had to go trough it as well, its so many of us with the same story, its rough and it is straight up fighting, I have always called it like I see it, I was never stupid enough to believe it was just "an argument" or "a discussion" when I was a kid. I used to wish I would never grow up, I didn't want to act like "an adult" (fighting and screaming) I'm just glad i turned out to be a good person. But I hope you are doing well too
My parents are just the same! They act as if they don't say the worst stuff to each other and make us feel as if we need to escape from the house
"I'm your parent, not your friend" this statement makes me so mad, that just INSTANTLY causes a disconnect between you and your kid, don't EVER say that to them, they'll become your enemy.
good video.
yes, LOTS of abuse and neglect and terrible parenting is hidden in plain sight by these kinds of offhand 'accepted' comments. if other parents only knew how much normalizing these kinds of phrases is leaving so many kids in harms way (and "parental" units operating without thought)
Then have the nerve to wanna be friends as adults. Nah stay in a parent's place lol
For real, and the sentence is not bad per se, but they don't *understand* it:
It's not that parents can't get along with their kids, it's that parents need to take care of them and teach them to be humans and stay in the role of a tutor, a mentor, a PARENT before and above anything else.
I hate how they misunderstood and started to use it to justify abuse.
Number 1 resonates with me. Codependent doesn't want to take sides and just follow the Aggressor. When I stand up to the Aggressor, it looks like disrespect to the Aggressor or the Outsider, but since they are blind, they can't see what's actually happening. Aggressor can be two-faced, shows the good side to relatives, friends or colleagues but totally treats the family different.
A perfect description of my dad
Omg you just described my mom perfectly. Always super nice when people were over but almost always in a bad mood otherwise and her drinking could make her violent at times.
And if the codependent tries to leave, to protect you, would you choose to stay with the aggressor? My child did. It's awful that they were even put in that position of choosing sides. It's not healthy and sets up child for future relationship problems
oh my I relate so much. my dad making nasty remarks and comments until I loose my cool and scream at him only to then look like the "bad" person myself. And then having people comment that you shouldn't talk to your parents like that etc. Fills me with rage.
@@LaraOlina it's called "reactive abuse," a tactic narcissists deliberately engage others I to make themselves the victim when they're the aggressor...
It's funny how my family was pretty similar to the 'toxic divorce' model even though my parents never actually divorced. They just kept fighting and making up and talking shit about each other to their kids
holy crap, same thing with my parents. I often thought they would get a divorced soon, but guess I was wrong.
Same exactly with my parents and if it weren’t for the fact that they are very religious they would have gotten divorced but the word of God forbids divorce so they stayed together. Which was worse because they were always yelling and fighting and it was so toxic I was just hoping they would divorce already so I wouldn’t have to hear them screaming all the time but sadly I grew up in that toxic household of screams.
God this is such a mood ive been waiting for them to get a divorce for 12 years because they hate each other but they just keep going
Can i ask if you dont mind would you have preferred to get a divorce. Or do what they did or r doing.
These are parents and i think if you have grown apart which happens, you sit them down and talk to them, let them know that they have a voice and both parents put their own feelings and emotions to one side and step up to the plate and be the adult they need to be, to make the transition for their kids so much easier.
are we related? /j this sounds exactly like my parents O.O
“if you’re vulnerable or sensitive they get entertainment out of that” The summary of my entire childhood as the youngest.
Same here, but I am the oldest.
Middle child, same.
My brother and I are so sorry for the way we teased our baby sis. For some reason when we were all little, we told her she was found in a garbage can. She’s never forgotten it. And we, to this day, regret it and have no idea where it came from. 🤦♀️
Mines too, as the youngest and only girl
middle child. same. youngest sister was actually raised to join in and became my worst bully for a few years
Talking about the physical reaction to others fighting really hit me like a brick… for me hearing raised voices in another room of the house (if im in the basement and hear loud voices upstairs) makes my heart start pounding and adrenaline floods my system. My body is put into total alert mode and it takes me a while to relax when it happens.
Also the part about not feeling like healthy marriages/relationships are real really hit me too. I remember every time id see my friends happily married parents i would always tell myself that they MUST be secretly fighting and miserable. To this day i still get that feeling from time to time when I see friends or family friends in relationships.
Never went to therapy or have really talked to anyone about my parents divorce but after watching this video I think it might be time I talk to someone.
It is called vitness abuse .
I left a whole cart of food in the grocery store line because two customers were getting into an argument & as soon as they began raising their voices I panicked and left the store.
I had 2 bratty siblings with horrible tempers & they would scream & say abusive things to one or both my parents … my parents would either give in or try to walk away.
I can’t stand arguments to this day & avoid them at all cost.
I just turned 30 and for some reason i started grieving my childhood. I had a mix of a couple of these systems but ultimately my mom was a raging narcissist and my dad was a belligerent alcoholic. They act like what i went through was normal or "not that bad" because they compared their lives to mine (and they were even more abused but still, i learned that that was minimizing and dismissive). I'm trying everyday to retrain my brain to not be a victim but to rise above it. It's hard but I'm hopeful
That’s about right- the age when you get a chance to look back and evaluate what happened and why. I remember this for myself. Exactly, the same. I did however address my parents around this age maybe 35, and they still denied it all and dismissed the damages. Actually, attacking with avoidance and verbal abuse. That was when I knew I was orphaned all along. My parents were strangers my entire childhood. Sad situation.
👊👊👊👊
I cut off the blood relatives who gave me severe issues a few years back, but my healing journey really only started after I turned 29. I've been in therapy for about 3 years. But even then I still get pangs of overwhelming emotion, I just know how to deal with it better, and I'm not drowning anymore - so to speak.
I was driving home fairly recently and had to pull over because it hit me that I was completely robbed of a childhood and that I never had a mother. I had to take the time to let myself grieve not having a mum. That's part of the process - literally processing it.
I want to start therapy but I am always scared that my family life was "not traumatic enough". My father was depressed and constantly drinking not caring about us abusive etc but my mother and my sister are my everything I couldnt love anybody more than them so I am always confused like:"Others dont even have a good relationship with their siblings" :/
@@ede2362 I was worried about that to start with as well, but after going through it I realised just HOW traumatic it was for me.
There is no judgement between one trauma and another. They're both trauma. Take care of yourself and go, mate.
Also just a bit of advice from my dad; "Therapists aren't all the same. You might not click with one but you will with another. It usually takes about 3 sessions to feel at ease with them, and if you don't trust them there's no harm in looking around for another. But you have to be comfortable enough with them to tell them *everything*."
“You were sad. I took you shopping. Why are you still sad?”
When parents think they can fix any problem with money.
Godddd this hits close to home lol
OMG. THIS. My mom hit me and bought me 2 Airpods and some clothes. She thought that'd do.
My father in a nutshell❤
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
My girlfriend has a terribly abusive family. They only do the bare minimum when it comes to taking care of her, and whenever she comes to them with a problem, they call her selfish for "Making it all about her." She was even assaulted and traumatized, and her parents refused to get her the help she needed, and they made *her trauma* all about *them.* Her parents disgust me, and following her trauma, I had to do everything myself to help her. She lives abroad, but I still did more for her than her own mother and father did. I didn't really realize her family was abusive until my own father talked to me about his concerns seeing me isolate myself to focus on helping her. He said "It's great that you're there for her, but she should be able to rely on her parents for help," and I responded "Should or shouldn't, she can't. They refuse to help her." That was when it all clicked in my head that her parents were abusive. They don't hit her, they don't attack and harass her, they don't do anything like that, they simply don't seem to care about anyone but themselves, and that neglect is still abusive.
Thank you for making this video, I truly believe this will help her when she sees this.
similar situation here.
It’s great that you are helping her! Take care of yourself in the process also. I hope you two do well 😊
That's called neglectful narcissism and it is a form of abuse. She's been abused.
@@looweegee252 *Being* abused. And yeah, I'm trying to make her realize that. It's just hard when she's still dependent on her parents, so she can't really do anything because they can just go "If you don't like it, you can move out."
@@nordinreecendo512 Uh whether or not she's still being abused doesn't change the fact that she's been abused. How would still being abused negate having been abused? Try to argue with helpful people less often.
I feel like my own family dynamic was a mix of a few of these.. definitely aggressor and codependent. My dad was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive, he'd yell at us for the slightest fuck up or even if we just annoyed him, I still have a memory of being in home depot, we had those little carts for kids and kept bumping him and he threatened to throw them across the store. My mom is generally good, but still was the beauty to my dad's beast, calming him down but never defending us, never telling him to apologize or comforting us. I also feel like there was a touch of perfect on paper, whenever I spoke up about my worsening mental health in my teens I was told I didn't go outside enough, or maybe if I exercised it would help, I was often made fun of for my "unusual" interests and just generally felt like the black sheep of the family. My brother on the other hand got a lot of stuff I never would've at his age, he got a TV in his room, when he told my parents he smoked weed they were like "what can yah do" when I'm sure I would've been yelled at.
Idk, idk what I want to accomplish by writing this. It's hard to talk about my trauma bc on the surface we were a fairly functional and loving family, but clearly if I'm here, and if I relate to these, things weren't okay and I'm trying to understand my past.
I hear you. I was raised by a single mother and at almost 50 years of age I feel like she too had a bit of everything described here. Her upbringing was also horrific.
But I tell you what you get by talking about it... I see you have a few likes, which means you're not alone. Also, speaking about things is in itself the beginning of processing and healing.
I've decided I'll cut off my mother from my life because it doesn't matter what I do, she's never ok with it. She has a venomous mouth and I often think of her like a feral cat.
I hope you heal in time, maybe you'll never heal completely, many of us don't, but you'll be in a much better place...
So what's best for you.
Sending you peace and love ❤
@@pattyrodriguez2 cutting off parents or any relationship that isn't healthy for you is a good thing ,but as of right now in my own journey I'm beginning to think that a more powerful skill would be to try to gain access to the tools which would remove the feeling that we need the acceptance of our parents and what not ....alan robarge is my main go to for dealing with this stuff ..if im not mistaken he says something along the lines of us struggling due to our attachment injuries, we lack the tools needed in order to end those bad relationships as well as deal with the overwhelming amount of pain and grief felt when they do end
I dont know what the hell in even saying in this comment any more lmao (being my own psychologist/ psychiatrist is shit lmao )
At the end of these research sessions ...I usully end up saying...ehh fuck em .they don't give a shit about me ......then five min later I'm doing everything in my power to make them happy
Lmao sighhhhhhhh
Wow my family was so anti-love + chaos, I was never supported and loved. That made me hyper emotional. It’s very sad when you have to be a parent for your parent. Still healing after a year and a half of therapy.
same here
Mine is perfection and anti-love..not sure how parents expect you to be achieving great lengths while they’re emotionally neglecting you and being hostile
I was always being left alone & neglected since I grew up wirh a single mom & had no one to protect me as a child! I still resent her till this day since she didn't care about my well-being. If everything would've been reported to authorities I would've also ended up in Foster Care☹️
This type of free content from professionals,you just can't fathom how much it helps a person like me who cannot access it if it were paid.
I am from a country where it is not possible for me,a student, to pay for such information. I don't have a card whatsoever, nor can I get one ; cause to get a card and pay the tiny amount I first need to be rich and have a large amount in my bank account .
This helps soooo much , I can't thank you enough. I hope more and more professionals come to these types of platforms and share their knowledge. I am sooo thankful.
🤍❤️
Even when you have access to mental health care, it might take you quite a bit of trial and error to find the right therapist. This content is really good. Very spot on.
@@SS-iu1zb Hear! Hear!
I hear you. I didn't have even have internet while my marriage crashed 10 years ago. I'm able to learn now though because of videos like this.
SS 98% are just going to be a waste of time. So if you have intelligent and honest friends, keep them!
I didn’t realize just how much I needed to hear “you didn’t ask to be considered a burden” until now. Thank you for your videos
Saw your comment before he actually got into any of his examples and thought it was very interesting.. I didn’t understand at all. Then he got to the single parent.. I never even realized that I might be on this list.. and he nailed so many of my issues that I personally struggle with on the daily..
Same lol but it’s still like here I am a burden on my parents and they felt they had to stick together for me and my bro on top of it like extra burden they could have been happier if they didn’t have to stick together for us
@@sarahscalpel561 My mom said I begged her not to get a divorce and so she didn't for me. Not true, that never happened I wanted my parents to get divorced when I was a child. She didn't want to own her stuff, so she puts it on me.
A Calming video on How Bad Parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Ahhhh yes, the all good on paper. I will say - while this was the case during childhood/teemage years, my mother seemed to recognize the issue in early adulthood and it became a free-for-all. It flipped and became "scream the disfunction from the rooftops if it makes you feel better!" That was very liberating!
Same! But the “scream the dysfunction from the rooftops” was preceded by-and prompted by-a toxic divorce, lol sooo the outpouring of “wow this is all so messed up” was kind of itself messed up, at least as I experienced it.
I grew up in a environment full of hate and coldness. It fehlt like my parents are my enemys. Even today in my 40ies is hard to believe that someone really likes or loves me as I never felt this way in my childhood😢😢😢 Thank you for making me understand that it didnt just happend to me and that there is are professionell words for that: anti-love, chaotic and codependent parenting styles
Oooff anti love hits hard. No compliments, no celebrating birthdays, no smiles, hugs, affection, or even basic conversation. I used to not understand people that were nice and bubbly, how to have a conversation with people, and the importance of self care. Take care of yourself folks, and remember you are loveable ❤️
I tend to be a bubbly and nice person to hide my misery 😞 Knowing how I feel,I wouldn't want others to feel the same way,it's horrible
My family was never anti-love, but they were sure as hell awkward about love. It was more like silent love, they weren't affectionate at all. It made me look strangely at my aunt on my mother's side BC she is SO affectionate. I was envious, I realize now. I wanted my mom to love me like that too.
I had half love and anti love. My mom loved the heck out of me and I lacked it from my dad. That created its own problems.
@@Nakia11798 I've been through that too. Understanding the 5 love languages help, because it makes us understand that we just have different love languages than our parents and we were looking for love in things we can't expect from them. My love language is words affirmation, and my last is gifts. My parents NEVER express through words, and my mom's love language is giving gifts so I didn't feel loved until I understood that she buying things for me were a way of expression xD
You might have the same love language as your aunt, and that's why you find her so affectionate :)
My bubbly self is what happens when I disassociate. I can't access any feelings or memories beyond tactile ones. So I come off as happy and ditzy when really I can't access myself.
The ‘good on paper’ is so dangerous. I know that I didn’t receive the help I needed because of it. No one was in my corner or even believed I was being abused, because my family had it all put together. I can only imagine how many other people are in the same position.
May we all work towards healing together
Savanna! Same!!!! Absolutely true. It’s so, so isolating
Yessssss... when u have courage to speak up you learn it's in vain bc they justify them bc they can't see past the halo.
Yes Savannah, thanks for mentioning this. I'm struggling to deal with this situation currently. Due to telling my extended family that this is the case I have been excommunicated.
People vastly underestimate how many families only present well on the outside, but are a mess on the inside. It's the reason I cringe when I see people judging public figures when something goes public. *SO* many people imagine they're alone in their individual suffering. It's bizarre.
Same! The walls came crumbling down eventually, but not before the damage was done.
Few months ago, I tried to explain to my parents my current struggles with constantly comparing myself to others and chasing things working so hard just to prove my value to the people around me. I told them it’s so emotional draining. And my mom responded: wow that means we did something right raising you up like this. At least it helps you succeed in your studies and your career….
Wow, my family modeled all those systems over time. I knew we were "off" but never realized how much of an impact it had. Probably why my brother and I never had children. Very grateful I have had the opportunity to get help to resolve the trauma and release the past.
Hugs, to all the other who grew up like this. You all deserve so much more. Love and light.
Hell, I didn't even realize I grew up in a toxic family at all until I was 40. I was like "What do you mean this isn't normal?!?" 😂
I knew it was really toxic and I left at 18, but sometimes struggle with things that I should have received and didn't. As in: "you guys had icecream for good grades?" "You guys had encouragement for leaving a bad job/guy?" You know the meme... 😑😑 that's me 🤦♀️
Me too
I knew mine was toxic when my father accused me of stealing, and I left then, at 19. I didn’t realize how toxic he was until these last few years (I’m 26, for reference), and I dropped contact with him last year, out of the blue, because I couldn’t handle the tentacles, in a way, that he had on my mental health. He went to everyone but me, asking how I was, or what went wrong.
Even though he’s a “Facebook friend”, he tapped out of trying to be controlling of me, to the point where he didn’t know my partner and I had adopted a dog. Which I’m grateful for, and I’m still processing not feeling guilty about.
I didn’t realize how narcissistic he was, until I dropped contact. Thank goodness I’m working on untangling it.
Sorry for the long tangent, but yes, I feel the same way!
@@RiannaNicole It's so hard to see it when you're in it, especially if you were groomed from birth to accept it. I'm glad you're in a better place now! :)
I was in my late 20s? in therapy, and hearing my therapist be like 'wow, that sounds like it was a really hard, and let's deal with the trauma from that' was like "wait, what? That's traumatic??" I always assumed because I wasn't physically or sexually abused, I was 'ok.' Emotional abuse and trauma is real, y'all.
How bad was my childhood that I relate to every one of these examples, lol. Anti-love and toxic divorce were the two that hit the hardest. Some ppl should never have kids.
I’m so sorry luv, keep fighting !! 😁 u got this
SAME HAHA except anti-love and good on paper
* especially
Omg same especially Anti-love and good on paper as well
Yeah anti love, chaos and some stuff here n there. I knew it was bad but this made it hit home that it was about as bad as it can get without actually murderering me. My soul was destroyed and Im working hard all alone to try and fix it. I do believe I can do it but it will take a very long time. So no relationships to detract me. That can only go one way toxic. I cannot heal in that environment. I wish you all the best in your recovery
Wow. My own family was a combination of Ships In The Night and Anti-Love. There was no sense of family or support, a constant feeling of survival, and this lasted through adulthood. Ultimately I decided in my late-40s that if I was going to be alone I might as well do so without the constant hostility and this led to estrangement from my family.
I'd describe the Ships in the Night and Anti-Love combo as, "Having kids is 'fine' until any of their needs actually inconveniences the adults."
Don't be emotional, don't ask for money or rides, and minimize your presence in the house as much as possible.
My family easily fits into many of these systems.
My parents were divorced when I was born, and the mistake of my conception was never my fault, but I certainly felt that way.
My mom didn't want to be 'trapped raising more kids while my dad partied.'. Her words.
My dad, never wanted kids in the first place. He just wanted my mom and wanted us to go find our own lives. She never asked him if he wanted kids. He would leave, but he didn't want to pay child support. His words.
My older sisters, never treated me like they gave a shit about me at all. All they ever did was scream at, hit and belittle me.
I don't have a single family member who hasn't given me a bloody nose over something trivial. (For example:. Missing the school bus, or saying 'it's not healthy to order pizza every day of the week.)
I would spend the night with friends, and not understand why they could have such a nice family dynamic... And mine ...was hell.
I have been severely depressed since around 2nd or 3rd grade...when I started to realize that what was happening wasn't normal at all.
I have major.....major adult life issues stemming from the experience.
I wish I knew how to function better, but... At almost 40... I can't imagine that's a possibility. I just accepted that I'll never have a family of my own, because I push everyone away.
I am making steps to break the cycle.... And now I am being called a bitch.
It never ends.
I was bullied by 5 older sisters also. From a cumulative point of view that was almost worse than what my parents did which was leaving me unprotected and neglected. I don't think sibling abuse is acknowledged enough yeah it is far more prevalent than parent on child abuse.
Totally agree 100 percent
Same... Im now at 27 working 100% on myself...and im a problem and my parents wants "everything to be like in the past..."....
I always told myself my childhood wasn't that bad. And it wasn't that bad. I just thought I had issues and had no idea why. I can't believe the things you have said in your videos, it's like you watched a movie of my childhood. Now I know why I have these hang ups and feel I can start to work through them. Thank you for your videos!
Same. Having a childhood that “wasn’t that bad” does NOT mean you had a healthy childhood filled with love, respect, affection, attention, protection, etc. I’m with you on this. I’m 47 and just learning that my toxic family system was ABUSE. Keep going on your healthy journey! It’s done wonders for me over the past year. Good luck!
It's an eye opener.
@@wholewellnesswithann same!
Same girl same.
It's difficult to admit to oneself that a parent was an abuser. It feels like you let go of a fairy tale, or you are renouncing your responsibility or a promise you gave for your parent like a betrayer. To see things as they were took me decades.
Patrick: "You can be from multiple systems"
Me: "Ah yes. All of the above"
Same
Too bad this isn't like gathering the infinity stones or a lot of us here would have some serious power on our hands 😂 nope, just crippled mental health
PLSSSSS
Yeah other than the adoption & single-parent....it felt like every system was my system. I've pushed so much of the feelings away that I'm like bawling a lil bit tonight....but I have to remind myself (and maybe you do as well) that...we're not the ones at fault. Whoever hurt us dealt with their own issues when they saw us, but that wasn't because we're monsters. It's something I recently came to conclude like in a tangible sense in therapy....my mom wasn't finding it hard to love me because of me, she didn't love me because her own issues....issues not involving me at all. Pretty sure a lot of folks can say "Yeah...I know that!" but really taking that sentiment to heart, really bringing it up when you feel like "Well...I guess I deserved that treatment. No wonder!" .....that is a process. I need to go back and take notes about the part where he said what to focus on for recovery lol I wasn't able to process it in one pass lmao!
That's exactly what I thought when I got to the end xD
This is such a massive issue in the society, i can imagine the impact of toxic / narcisistic people to be a problem equal to that of lets say crime, yet it feels so unacknoledged and underrated. The torture and the consequences for the life of a victim in this case should be treated, on the damage scale, equally as murder. And people that inflict this damage to their victimrs would also kill without hesiation, if it was not forbidden by the law.
Found this hard to watch both as a child from an abusive family but also as a parent who knows that they have brought up children in an unhealthy environment. During it I was struggling so much but I'm starting to see how my own kids' childhood has been affected.Even more sadness, guilt and shame added to the childhood amounts BUT really hoping to build a better life for all of us.Thank you for sharing it
I so relate to your post, I was raised in a very toxic home, and unknowingly traumatized my kids growing up because of my own upbringing and addictions I was trying to overcome. Forgive yourself and be the parent they need now, you can't change the past but you can help them heal! Good luck 🤞
And apologize sincerely.
It’s never too late to do the repair work with our children. If my parents had been willing to do this I wouldn’t have gone no contact.
I was completely robbed of a childhood-my parents HATED providing for me or treating me like a child.
My mother was the youngest in a large family-pampered and coddled and catered to and oh so “special.” I was the oldest and in their family traditions the oldest daughter was basically a domestic servant who reared the children and that’s exactly what they did to me. I remember her mother telling me I needed to help my mother around the house when I was about eight. My whole childhood revolved around meeting the needs of my endlessly selfish, childish mother.
My mother’s family had 4 siblings, she loved her brothers but treated her younger sister (my aunt) like dog crap.
My sister is on a pedestal and I the youngest is expected to serve the family. It was never relevant to me until I hit my 50s. Such an eye opener. My aunt was a home maker, cared to her husband and parents. My mother was ungrateful for her sacrifice and she will do this to me.
What happened to my sister her escape was my cousins needed to b babbysittin
I feel this whole comment. My mom was her twin. So sorry.
WOW..I went through something similar
Thanks for sharing. Children should all help around the house the best they can, but I know what you mean about not helping mom, but being a servant and maid in your own home. Not the same! I sometimes sub in primary school class, so I will have to be aware of this when teaching lessons about helping mom and dad at home.
I experienced some of that and it's resulted in me being too lenient with my children. I feel guilt for asking to them to do a single chore. I know that's not healthy either.
That awkward moment when you are able to identify a bit of each of the 7 types in your own fmaily/life.
😁
Rip same 😭
Me too
same.
I feel like I could split each of the 7 types into various years from my experience as everything continued to change.
The parent using their kids as a confidant is seriously affecting me. I’m too selfless at times and have a hard time acknowledging and validating my own feelings. And im at a point where I’m almost feel like I can’t tell my mom how it feels bc I’m her confidant. The superhero apology makes sense. Thankfully my dad came and saved me. Go dad
I really can’t believe how long it took me to realise that not being taught to clean up after myself is neglectful. Like I didn’t grow up miserable because I’m dramatic and controlling, I was miserable because I literally was not supposed to be in that environment and it’s not normal that my mother didn’t mind HERSELF being in that environment.
Neglect is abuse.
i always feel like i'm pitying myself when i resonate with these toxic childhood videos, which in itself is probably a sign of a negative upbringing
Stoicism..."don't feel so sorry for yourself"..."what are you so upset about? You have everything you could ever want"...sound familiar?
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Same 🥲
@@linkedinlove106 wow that other comment and your reply to it, was a l awaking to that! I didn't know that was a problem but I do that too and it makes sense why.
These cycles go back generations in families
I was essentially my father's emotional punching bag and his therapist. Any time he got angry about anything he'd take it out on me, pointing out all my flaws and how he was so much of a better person than me because his life was harder, then he'd also talk to me about his problems and most disturbing inner thoughts and I had to try to counsel him. He also treated me more like his friend than his son except when it was convenient to lord power over me. Mix of chaotic family and toxic single parent.
Do you mind sharing some of the inner thoughts? I'm concerned for my niece who's 7 who's supposed to be moving into a seperate apartment with her malignant narcissistic father who I can sadly undoubtedly picture him doing something like this if he didn't have witnesses.
That... sounds exactly like my mother. Good luck to you ❤️
It's as if you were talking about my mom. The thing is that she doesn't have a healthy relationship with my father, and according to her I'm "too much like him," so she's always punishing me when she's mad at him and I'm just left confused asking myself "what did I do? "
It's the worst because i've internalized the feeling of "yeah, she's right it's my fault" to the point where I'm not sure if i actually did something wrong or dad just pissed her off. Then I think "hey, it's me, I always do something wrong so I probably had it coming ." It's
hard breaking out of that state of mind.
@@Gaburierairuze It definitely isn't you. Please hold that truth at your core. As a mother, I assure you, minor children aren't at fault for their parents' moods, problems, or struggles. You deserve better. You deserve love.
@@joshsimms5697 I can't share those inner thoughts, they were very personal to him. But they were violent a lot of times. My dad is a tormented man. In some ways I feel for him, and in others I'll never be able to forgive what he did to me. I'd say that the family should keep a close eye on your niece. Talk to her about what her relationship with her father is like. With me, I never spoke about it. Dysfunction became normalized to me, so I never told anyone I was being yelled at and excoriated verbally. Don't let it become normalized for her.
I really appreciate that you don't just describe these family types but you do it compassionately and you provide some guidance with what to do with the information. Versus some UA-camrs, with very high credentials, provide very charged info about narcissism or toxic families and then leave the listener with a lot of intense information. Good stuff.
Watching this, I have realized my family was really toxic and had a weird structure. I lost my mom at four and my dad remarried not even a year later. His new wife was incredibly abusive from the start despite me wanting a motherly figure. I realized from quickly not to love her and just to deal with her. My dad was married to her for over 13 years so essentially my whole childhood. I always knew and could recognize she was the toxic person but it was harder for me to realize or accept my dad was. I always thought he 1. didn't know the extent of the abuse (which I found out later was false) and 2. he was little broken emotionally himself and struggled to know a healthy family structure. I now realize he not only allowed the abuse to continue despite obviously sign (ex. he saw my older sister getting choked out by my step mom, me and my sister never had enough stuff while my step sisters did which include clothes, food, etc.) he was also incredibly emotionally abusive. I never got rewarded for good behavior and I was only punished for bad behavior. I was constantly gaslight and guilttripped to do things he wanted me to do (ex. I was told I fail at life if I didn't get more scholarships for college despite having a full ride scholarship already.) I was also forced to be a mediator but I had to toe the line between honest truth and making both sides appear equal like a pro and con situation but constantly (ex. xyz did this but abc said this and this happened). I recently confronted him about this and he not only thinks I'm deflecting my emotions on to him but he has straight denied certain realities of the situation if it made him look bad (ex. he said some one stole my lunch money throughout my schooling and that's why I often didn't have enough money.) He also couldn't get past his own emotions (it was all about his struggles) and I realized my emotions never matter and likely never will. I was just validation for him and probably something a kin to a pet (though I'm not sure he even realizes that). I am thinking of writing him one last time for closure but I also think it is a waste of my time and energy since I know he will never truly listen to me.
Also, I'd like to add my dad was the breadwinner and despite him saying he would be bankrupted without my step mom, he could have supported us by himself. But he wanted the ideal family and it was never ideal. He also divorced my step not even a year after I left the house so he couldn't handle all that burden falling onto himself.
He won't give you closure. He'll probably hurt you. I tried it twice.
It might be what you need to let him go, though.
Most toxic sentence: "Don't act like it's any different in other families"
Yeah I hear it all the time ☻☻☻
"If I didn't love you, I wouldn't beat you". 🙄 That's one of my parent's classics
Toxic people can speak truth! As long as their statements work for them, in their favor. 😞
@RainbowDreams30 hugs, fellow rainbow 🌈🌸💜
Similar to this is: "all mothers are like this"
I went on a student exchange in Germany when I was 16. Sure, a learned a bit of German, but more importantly I got to live in a healthy family system away from my own toxic family for a whole three months. I am only beginning to realize what a blessing it was just to know so early that another kind of life was possible, even if I didn't understand that my family was toxic at the time.
I had the exact same experience. I was UNCONSOLABLE when i had to leave my beautiful German family in Bavaria… i didnt want to go back to my deadbeat mother and alcoholic stepfather.
Had a similar opportunity, but I was overwhelmed by how wholesome the family was and instead of engaging and learning what I could, I was anxious and self-isolated. I will always regret it.
fuck i wanna sign up just to live with another family lol
I'm the oldest. From 12 years ol age I was sent away to stay with extended family, student exchange, people who somehow my mother knew from church. Strangers usually to me. In Germany, France, Ireland. Even the us.
I thought it was normal. Now I know that it was just to get rid.
BUT more recently I've realised that these were the periods I not only enjoyed/grew the most - and can actually remember in detail. Unlike my home life . I disassociated at home. Can't remember much at all.
When I was at university, my roommate invited me to spend one Thanksgiving weekend with her family. They were wonderful and I really enjoyed the loving dynamic between each family member. Toward the end of the visit, her dad gently asked me about my family relationships. Turns out he'd sensed almost right from the start that my relationship with my own dad was pretty messed up at the time, just based on my subconscious reactions to him. He very kindly offered advice and support, and I've never forgotten that.
When I was still a child and a teen I seemed to have come across as pretty responsible and mature for my age. Then I became the opposite. In my 20s I felt like I was a child who needed to have a job for some reason (I also wasn't able to keep a job for long at that age) and now in my 30s I feel like a teenager.
I have the same. What can we do about it?
Been a teacher for 20 years now, working with hundreds of kids and even more parents. Everyone asks what the secret sauce is (ie what is the secret to success in the best kids). It’s so funny because the best, most successful, well adjusted kids, come from so many different kinds of families/social classes/etc. the only constant I’ve seen is the parents, continually, and sincerely TRY. They screw up, but then the get up and try again. They focus on helping the kids though each challenge and constantly adapt. The result is usually kids who can say my parents didn’t do it all right, but I accept and forgive them for their mistakes, and am grateful for the work they did and what they got right.
"Hey mom, I watched this video about different unhealthy family dynamics and I learned a lot about how our family can grow and learn to be...."
"Yeah I know, we are all just horrible"
Love this...
It probably isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but I figured out how to combat this with my own parents. Get on their good side (takes a long time), and then whenever they do something toxic, point it out to them posing as coming from a place of concern, and focusing nearly entirely on how it would negatively affect them. That’s the key- make it their problem, so that’s when they’ll fix it. If you make it seem like the drawback is just hurting another person, they won’t care, because clearly they haven’t cared enough to change their behavior thus far. Then, all that matters is gently steering them towards the best solution by pointing out the cons of their alternative solutions (if they are bad- if they’re good, then point out the pros!), and then only pointing out the pros of the “correct” solution. Maybe mention a singular con, but only if it’s inconsequential and doesn’t affect much to them. Slowly their behavior will change and then you can pretend that they did it because they love you and your siblings, not because you coerced them into change 🥲
I have to stress though- ONLY do this for good, and if your parent is really that defensive/touchy. You want to influence them while their guard is down. This takes years though- but sometimes it can even lead to them becoming self aware of their past behaviors and actually choosing to go to therapy
@@bri5018 I do this too. it's still very difficult, but oh well.
@@bri5018 this is manipulative behavior, that's not healthy.
@@chefbutterrrr I feel like this is how they cope
At least they're honest lol
As a teacher, I have experience interacting with many families and can easily identify each archetype. This helps to develop a better understanding of what children may be experiencing/internalizing. I also appreciate that you included foster children too. Their plight often goes unnoticed.
wow .. world needs more great teachers like U
Thank you Thomas Keets for being willing to do this. I will always be thankful for my teacher Mr. Emerick who took me home when my alcoholic mother forgot to pick me up, who protected me when other kids bullied me because I was not dressed properly and smelled. He saw me and was kind to me. He showed me there are good people in this world. Other teachers, at best, pretended like I didn’t exist.
You are making a huge difference in some child’s life. I have never been able to find Mr. Emerick(spelling?) to thank him but I give me thanks to you!
@@dnk4559,
Thank you for your heartfelt response. It's very much appreciated. I believe “Mr. Emrick” would be proud to know how appreciative and reflective you have become. Know that you are worthy of every blessing that comes your way, and I wish you many.
@@thomaskeets3194 Thank you so much!
Me too. I feel like a therapist many days. Thankful to work with precious students
Consistently told as an adult by family that I didn’t have it as bad as others so thinking my struggles are my fault, and have been feeling confused and like a bad person because I seem to have involuntarily just checked out from them all nowadays. This video came on autoplay and I saw my family in 3 of the different toxic systems and feeling that weird combo of being shocked, but not surprised? Think this video might be the kick I finally needed to go explore some therapy, appreciate it ❤
How are you doing?
My family environment was a mix of the "Looks Good on Paper" and "Anti-Love" types Patrick outlines in the video. There was almost like a weird competition going on to see how anti-love my parents could be and still look OK to the outside world. It was heavy duty - and not made easier by me being born highly sensitive, creative, and introverted. A quick extract from a long, long list of spectacular examples of dysfunction: When I was 17, I entered my first serious depression (my distress was ignored). I tried to communicate with my mother how I was feeling and that I was really struggling - I chose to call her on the phone because I was too scared to risk an in-person meeting. She sneered at me and said these words: "People like you commit suicide." Needless to say, I have had a troubled life. I am 60 now and still deal with old stuff on a daily basis in various forms. Some days I am even happy to be alive. Recovery is definitely possible.
My mother was extremely overly critical and unreasonable, she got SO MAD when I didn't just automatically understand how to do my own laundry at 11 years old, told me to "figure it out" and just walked away. She'd snap her fingers in my face, hit me, scream at me, simply for daring to not understand things as if I did it on purpose somehow. I'm now worried that I accidentally picked a partner that treats me the exact same way. If I don't hear instructions the first time or do something perfect the first time I'm met with the *exact* same anger (sans physical violence, but screaming ect.) and it's extremely triggering. I'm really not sure what to do now after this revelation, I live with my partner
It's good that you recognize it and are aware now. You might be re-living your trauma. Maybe you can have a conversation with them about how this is triggering, or work your way into leaving the situation. I ended up leaving an emotionally abusive partner I lived with, but it took some help along the way. Don't be afraid to ask others for help and perspective into the situation.
Start plotting your escape
All too often those of us who grew up in abusive households become a magnet for people who will abuse us in the similar ways. You don't deserve to be treated badly . You need to consider your future because you matter. If needs be, leave him, get counselling, and break the cycle. Get yourself a better quality of life.
That is literal abuse, I hope you find a way to get out of the relationship.
That treatment is abusive and not acceptable. I don't need to hear any more context to know that definitively.
People can be abusive on purpose or accidentally. Some people can control themselves and choose not to. Others can't control themselves. None of that changes the amount of trauma it will give you.
Even if someone is trying their best or their intentions are good, that behavior still remains abusive and is traumatizing.
Sometimes behavior is contextual - one of their past partners could tolerate outbursts just fine, it didn't impact them. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't abusive to a different partner who has different triggers. It can still be abusive.
Said all that to say, it's not black and white. Don't try to justify abuse away just because it's not all bad. It's your job to take care of yourself first.
I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you here (obviously the other person should just not behave that way), but pragmatically as an adult you choose what situations to experience and which situations to get rid of*.
*for the MOST part
If you're in a place where you can easily tolerate or help someone else's behavior, great. But if you're not, don't. It's not your responsibility or your fault at the end of the day. We're all responsible for ourselves.
tldr move out when you can
I can't put into words how absolutely ****validated**** I feel rn. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I grew up in the anti-love family. No one has ever fully understood or believed me when I said I grew up not loved and hated. Hearing someone else put it in words so perfectly is validating alone, but coming from a trauma therapist is so comforting and really, thank you!!!
I had a romantic partner who, when little, was told by their mom: "No one will ever love you." Once you've heard such cruelty from a parent at such a tender age, you really face a huge uphill climb. I hope you find love because you deserve it.
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Stay strong and head up sis
Me too 😢... This video saved me...
I believe you, because I know how frustrating it is to not being believed.
I can relate to the Anti-love, Chaos System, Toxic divorce and toxic single parent. I'm the oldest of 3 siblings, my biological dad walked out when i was a baby and i've still never met him. My mum got with some other guy months later who i was raised to call my dad. Both my younger siblings are his. My "dad" was an alcoholic that would cheat all the time, and then they started doing it to each other until they broke up (divorce). He was never really present as a father to me or my siblings and would complain about having to be a dad all the time before the divorce. So after, he was even more absent, other than taking us on his allocated weekends he never really helped any other way and would complain if he had too. I remember my mum running away for a week and leaving us with some random lady, who called "dad" and when he came and was told about it he just was like, nope, im not taking care of them and just walks out to his car and went with no issue, didn't even look back. This same "dad" SA'D me and r*ped me from the age of 14 until i was 18....because i wasn't his biological kid i guess. I've never told my family cause they will all just victim blame me. My childhood was filled with being told that I wasn't good enough and being told that i'm not smart enough to do anything I wanted to do, while my brother and sister were the golden children. When my mum moved on to a new guy, he just brought a lot of domestic violence. There was a lot of chaos with that relationship, i would get home from school to an empty house and they would be at the pub all night as one example. I never felt loved - I was always treated like I was bad and selfish if i didn't think of others before myself (all while no one thought of me). a lot of my struggles and hurts were treated as a joke. All through this my mum, my only biological parent would treat me like i was a burden she never wanted and that i should be thankful she didn't abort me (she said that to me). theres so so much more. I've struggled my whole adult life with feeling worthless, my family still try and control my emotional intelligence so i feel like this. I've went through dv as an adult in my own toxic romantic relationships. I am so anxious even about working because i feel uneasy around people, like they'll hurt me and put me down too. I'm trying to better myself so i can leave my family and find peace and happiness because now that i'm in my 30's and nothing has changed, i realise they never will. I want better for myself.
it can be hard to cut off contact, glad that you did that.
I'm so sorry you were hurt that badly.
Almost the same except I’m 53 and have 3 younger siblings!
I wish you good luck on your path to healing.
My sister and I were illegitimate in the '50s. When my mother married when we were 3 and 4 we were treated like stepchildren by her, our own birth mother. This continued well into our adult life. So painful, such lasting trauma for the 2 of us.
TIMESTAMPS (thumbs up if helpful)
7. Looks Good On Paper ~ 3:00
6. Ships In The Night ~ 6:20
5. Anti-Love ~ 8:38
4. Chaos System ~ 11:44
3. Toxic Divorce ~ 14:45
2. Toxic Single Parent ~ 19:10
1. Aggressor + Codependent ~ 22:04
0. Foster Care / Adopted ~ 24:52
Thank you.
Thanks :)
bomb, thank you queen
Thank you!💛
Thank you!
I have several friends who grew up in the "looks good on paper" household. They all share several unique traits. They know how to model kindness and empathy (which is often more like sympathy), but it isn't genuine. They don't know how to be intimate as they tend to shut down when emotional discussions arise. They might be good listeners, but they don't know how to share intimacy in return. They are completely "armored up" emotionally and will never take emotional risks. Their greatest sources of comfort is that they have done the right thing, their lives are NOT messy emotionally/relationally/aesthetically, and they have rarely been hurt emotionally.
Omg you literally just described my ex and their family problems.
True. I know similar people- they also tend to be high achievers and religious but hurt many people in getting to attain all the achievements. Most move on without care, and pretend their families are amazing and if you openly speak about yours- they show the "sympathy" but never talk about theirs. They have victim mentality and blame games. They usually are takers, and think pain is completely normal and nobody should care to heal. Everyone needs to heal, except them haha...
@@electricfishfan7159 That is fascinating. Is this more common of children from homes that experience divorce when the children are younger?
Sounds like my cousins. My aunt is all about having the prefect family.
@@bmccameron7642 He's talking straight facts. But if you want to view your toxic upbringing in a way that makes you a victim that can't achieve anything then by all means, continue.
I knew my family life was messed up but watching this has made me realize that I relate to 5 of these toxic family systems in one way or another… that’s crazy
#4. It made sense to hear it. Never unpacked, no stability. Had moved 30x. Was working full time in high school to make sure I could meet my own needs. My mom left 12x when I was a kid, just would disappear and come back a few weeks or months later.
The first time I was allowed to go over to a friend's house and stay the night I was 11. When I witnessed how genuinely warm this family was with one another, I was shocked. Literally shocked. I had never seen anything like this. I could not believe that the other kids in my friend's family (including my friend) were allowed to express their unedited ideas without interruption, sneering, yelling, or retribution if it didn't match their parent's ideas on the subject. I couldn't believe the adults limited themselves to just one glass of wine with dinner. I could not believe they had such a beautiful table layout with matching silverware and fresh flowers and dishes that people passed to one another in turns. It seemed odd that everyone did something to clean up the table afterwards, including the Dad doing dishes and loading the dishwasher.... I thought that my family's 'AntiiLove"/'Chaos" Dynamic was normal. My question is: What percentage of people do you think come from acutely dysfunctional families? Is it 1 in 5? 3 of 10? By acutely dysfunctional I mean beatings, neglect, silent treatments, using children as slave labor, patriarchal subservience, yelling, moving multiple times, codependency, and the like. Thanks!
I think usually when you meet a complete a-hole they are somebody who has suffered all their life and been shown a dysfunctional model of interaction with others... I would also be really interested to know how many people are raised in these environments.
@@bluegum6438 My Dad used to say: "There's an asshole in every group of people. If you can't figure out who it is, then it's YOU."
I had something similar, which made me fully realize how toxic the situation I was in was. I remember going to a friend's place, and her and her mom were "fighting". Their fighting was being respectful and maybe a little passive aggressive. But they gave each other space and handled it like adults. Now, I was devastated at this. For my situation, their worst fighting day was my best day ever with my parent. Our fights would escalated to me breaking a chair over their knees to get them off of me. I was absolutely shocked to see what normalcy looked like.
@@TejubescDM I think what you describe is imperfect, but within normal limits. My family of origin, on the other hand, is toxic as the day is long.
The dad doing dishes hits hard
I wish I could have this guy as my therapist. *Chaos, toxic divorce and agressor+codependent* Moved probably 20 times. Still haven't unpacked after 2 years. Codependency, rage, guilt, shame, confusion, lack of direction etc.
For those reading this. It gets better with work and time. Dont give up.
You are not irreparably broken.
I cannot beleive I've never read or heard about this. After so books and videos never has anyone given this information. This guy deserves a freaking 🏅 medal!
I had the same three I didn’t realize how many people had the same issues that I did.You didn’t deserve any of it healing starts now.Hugs.🥰
@@LexiA0327 thank you so much for the support. I'm so sorry you had to experience those things in your life. I hope you find all the support and live the world has to offer❤ You are valuable. Hugs back
@@jennyfox1398 p
me too I don't know why it's so hard for us to find therapists that are this knowledgeable for ourselves, I wanna get a new one. There's a book on Amazon that is called complex PTSD, it's a blue book with puzzle pieces on it, and there's a matching workbook to go with it, so far I'm really liking it. at the end of each chapter it gives you a coping skill to try, and it can be a little triggering to read but it's worth going the extra mile for. I hope you are doing good as well and thank you for the encouragement!
@@breakingpoint3893 it is weird. Why is cptsd and ptsd so mystifying for theralists. Its like most cant even identify it. Everyone I've ever met with ptsd was misdiagnosed at some point, including myself. Thanks for the tip on the book. I'd picked it up and was hesitant because I just didn't know if it would help. I'm so glad to hear it does! Thank you. I'm lucky and can somewhat function now thanks to emdr. It turned my life around big time.
I hope you find love, support and an awesome therapist. Dont give up! Big hug from a sister with cptsd!
I grew up in the Chaos system. I am chaotic as an adult and I hate having daily routine. As a mom I am desperate to adapt to a routine to help my kids have a better life. I had no idea how much help I needed until I saw myself repeating my mom's and dad's ways of dealing with and communicating things.
I’m definitely a little chaos, a touch toxic divorce, and a smidge toxic single parent on top of being raised as a member of the “working poor” class, so I was a latchkey kid with free lunches and dirty shoes. My mom tried her best but she’s neurotic. I get anxious from disorder and when things are unplanned. I always need to have “backups” ie: plenty of food, clothes, shampoo, batteries, car filled with gas, etc. My own marriage is suffering now due to communication issues.
22:30 Ah yes, the codependent, or as you call them, the "I just work here" parent.
Couldn't have said it better
My experience with my mother has made me terrified to ever have children. I’m asexual and gay so if I do plan to have kids it will not be by accident.
I’m just terrified of treating my child how my mother treated me, or how I treated my sister’s because of how she treated me.
It also has me scared for my partner, I don’t want to hurt them without realizing how I’m acting.
I felt the same. I have a smallie who takes me for granted and I love it. He doesn't know that love can be limited or transactional and his confidence is incredible. All you can do is be aware. If you want children down the line its perfectly possible to break a generational trend . You deserve love and happiness whatever you decide to do with your life. No need to take your moms baggage with you. ❤ I wish you all the absolute best things in the world for your future!
@@xatz8527 oml, thank you so much! you have no idea how much it means to me that you took time to write this comment
@@ShilohBluecube no worries at all x
i feel the same
hi unrelated but whats the flag on the left of your pfp?
I grew up in a chaotic family and you spelled it out exactly without ever having met me, I am 24, I struggle to make friends and be in groups. My house decor is disjointed, I have developed involuntary dissociation (secondary structural), I have symptoms of ADHD from having to be on edge from moving 2-4 times a year when i was with my parents. Moving is incredibly disorienting now, I don't even feel like i live in my house. They were opiate addicts and you said it right, it's like being a pet. I lived like a neglected dog that was kenneled for 12 years.
I am going through personal developments I should have had at 13-18 but couldn't because I had zero support, I had to wait until i could be the adult with the money to provide myself with the support I needed to reach development goals like socializing, understanding finances, taking care of myself. I was a child trying to raise myself but no child will ever be prepared to parent. I am behind my peers, I am still trying to get an undergrad while recovering from the consequences of the extreme neglect. I feel like i was robbed of many years, like I didn't even start living until I was 22.. It was deeply damaging and I walk with the consequences every second of every day.
I have a hard time conceptualizing my home as mine. I still live at my desk a lot because I am not used to interacting with the physical world, I grew up on the internet. I also eneded up being adopted, and I struggle to move my body a lot because I am so unused to it. I live in my head all the time.
I meet so few people who understand this type of hardship. If you read this do you know of books about life like this ? or memoirs?
You could explore John Bradshaw's books. Homecoming comes to mind. Take care. You deserve to learn to self care.
you saying they stunted your growth because of lack of support really hit home for me. i completely understand were your coming from. and it rlly hurts when they try and throw it in your face like it was your fault/or take zero accountability(well at least from me experience)
I grew up on a junkyard as a child and sustained head injuries as early as 16 months of age all the way up until 11 that nearly killed me!!
Fast forward a few years to when I was 17 and I had to make the decision to pull my own mother off of life support for her own good-
This resulted in me having to go stay with my grandmother on my father side who has always been a toxic individual especially where her love is concerned!
She has always been very manipulative and controlling and will literally lie to my face and then act like I was the one that lied and turn things around all the time and it’s just completely toxic! It’s also toxic when I am the most brutally honest person in the family because of the life I had, and the fact that she treats me like I’m somebody that I am not!
Either way, I seen the title of this video and clicked on it right away due to the fact that I’m interested to learn why my grandmother is this way, why is she the type of person that will do something to punish me and then criticize me for dealing with the fallout of her decision?!?
Or why she would use her love against me and not tell me “I love you“ if we had just had an argument or if I was asking her why she did me a certain way? But at the end of all of it because of what I experienced in childhood, I know that tomorrow is not promised and as such I always let you know that I love you even if you just cussed me out!
I've gone to therapists off and on over the years, giving them a really solid try each time (six months or more). None were able to identify the dysfunction of my family as clearly and concisely as this dude on youtube whom I've never met, and all within ten minutes.
It's not really the therapist's job to do that. You go to them with what is bothering you and they help guide you through it. Their job isn't to predict your past traumas. Their job would be, for example, to discuss the parts of this video that resonated with you personally, after you bring it up to them.
@@JordanKerk99 after years of therapy he should have received more than the info in this video.
@@JordanKerk99 The right therapist can do it, mine did. It’s best we’rewhen looking for a therapist to find one who specializes in family systems.
I spent 7 and a half yrs this last time and no one could help me..no one. I give up..
@@JordanKerk99 Why should I pay someone $150 an hour if they don't even have the basic insight to say, "Hey, that thing your parents did is pretty fucked up"? If I just want someone to stare and nod at me while I elucidate exactly how and why and to what degree my family was dysfunctional, I can put a blowup doll in a rocking chair without the hourly rate. You seem to be unaware of the fact that growing up in a dysfunctional family means that you take a lot of this crap for granted as "normal" because 1. as a kid you have no other frame of reference and 2. chances are you've been consistently gaslit not to trust your own experiences.
Growing up, I was instilled with the saying 'it can always be worse'. I knew there was something wrong, but if I dare spoke about it, anyone in my family at the time would tell me to either 'get over it' or 'be lucky you have this, it could always be worse'. That said, I would describe the family I grew up with as an amalgamation of the Anti-Love/Toxic Divorce/Aggressor+Co-Dependant traits. My old man was and had to be the center of it all and he thought his way of showing his love and appreciation was to buy material things, even when we were poor, all the time. When he was not getting his way or something was upsetting him, he had violent tendencies and took out a lot of them on us, especially my brothers. He would also talk a lot of shit about anyone and anything, from my mom to his baby momma to his own kids. I was even told that I would never amount to nothing and I've grown up to become worthless. To him, I was a failure because I didn't live up to his standards, not because there could be something else going on (I am autistic but didn't think on it up until recently), but because I was lazy, dumb, and not talented at art because there's no money to be made from that. But, you know, 'it could always be worse'.
He has since passed away for over a decade now, but any of us who had to deal with that situation are struggling in our own ways that we're more separate then before (and that was made worse due to the pandemic). In a way, he still lives rent-free in my head when my mental health tanks. I worked in minimum wage dead-end jobs until that broke me (again, pandemic made it worse and also because these jobs are extra stressful for autistic people) and now I struggle in finding a job. But, again, 'it could always be worse'.
Except... I'm starting to think that might not be the case. I've only discovered your channel recently, but it made me think of a lot of things. It's a lot to unpack and the realization that I'm not at fault for a lot of things that happened to me is slowly dawning on me. I've become way too good at keeping things on the inside that I'm at a point where I feel that I cannot say anything to anyone, not even my mom or anyone that is close to me. To confront these realizations are scary, stressful and makes me want to cry a lot, but I've kept things bottled up for too long, you know. I'm sorry for this giant wall of text, but if anyone reads this, thank you. Take care of yourself.
I can relate...
I can relate too.... so sorry you have to experience this. My abusive parents’ voice and their glares and threats also live in my head rent-free and I also struggle tremendously in life even tho I have a “good education” that looks good on paper. But I feel sad and empty and deadened a lot bc of all the internalized shame and pain of growing up with no love but only shameful behavior and messages. I do not miss my parents at all. I live far far away from them now but still can’t get their abusive images out of my head.
Thank you for sharing this... What you shared here helped me recognize something in my own experience, and I'm sure it has, or will help others.
It sounds so benign on the surface but in reality they’re just saying “I don’t care what you’re feeling or what you have to say”.
You're not worthless.
I come from an Anti-Love family (not immediate family but aunts, uncles, etc.) and it blows my mind how cold, boring and rude people can be. I’m always kind, prioritize my happiness and peace, and love to show love.
Wish them the best but I’m cool with not receiving it from them… Excited to build my own family one day and have a house full of love - being careful of not becoming a Looks Good on Paper family
7 is an underrated difficulty. Especially if you’re born into a family who has money or a certain amount of affluence… you’re expected to do just like them with so many strings attached, even if say, the presence of more money makes it easier to buy things. It’s difficult to unlearn finding your value in titles, certificates, or material objects when it was all you were raised to know. In reality it may have been what you settled for because no one around you knew how to be real and show affection. They say money can’t buy love… and it’s true. Love is a way of life - not a thing we can own. Good luck to anyone on any of these journeys.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and dependant mother that enabled his narcissism and failed to protect us.
Same. It’s horrible still to this day. Thank god I found this video 😭
@@chelsealex1948 all I can say from experience is that, at first it seems harsh and wrong. But the long term benefit of not having to carry their burden is life changing. And my family is all the better for it. I am all the better for it.
Me to. Both my parents still deny any abuse ever happened.
THAT right there sounds like my mother's parents and well... she didn't do such a good job raising me and my brother either. She has borderline and is always much too occupied with her own emotions, always in the victim role and constantly(!) fighting with my father about anything and everything on a daily(!) basis for now more than 35 years...
On the "Looks good on paper" is it also possible that because the child has been constantly criticized, that they end up becoming very defensive about any criticism they receive as adults?
Yep that's me sadly 💀💀but I will get help..
Oh yes, yes it is
Yup
The "looks good on paper " one is a very very violent one...coz they are all about appearances...all about what people are going to think of us if we show who we really are...pretty violent....always hiding behind masks....they know how to hide who they truely are....awful...and dangerous
This is definitely my mother I'm afraid. To the point that I think her incapable of self reflection to see if an action she has done or neglected to do has hurt someone. Any type of criticism or opinion on something she doesn't want to accept usually becomes met with a wall of deflection and character assassination. But this is not obvious to the general public as she is very good at keeping up the stereotypical good appearance of a parent in providing a good home and food.
The way the 'Looks Good On Paper' was so spot on immediately was shocking. Thank you for this video
I didn’t realize I buried so many childhood emotions. Some of these truly resonate with how I parent currently. I wish I had this info sooner I hoped that I would have avoided many of my mistakes.
The “Looks Good on Paper” mixed with the Aggressor + Codependent
Basically I’m a confused, depressed & anxious ball of perfectionism and hyper vigilance now who has little to no sense of personal identity
I hear you with that last sentence. Hope you're ok xx
I’m working on it 😓
@@sierradaun5389 You can do it. You are already enough xx💜 xx
@@KatieM786 Thank you☺️ You’re so sweet💜 I’ll do my best!
*raises hand*
When I started to tell people about my life at home (which I was told not to), people have either gotten really angry, very shocked or cried. I never knew my life was not normal, so I just took everything very lightly even though it was destroying me. What’s funny is my life is a mix of about three of these.
It is really strange to talk about your family with other people. I know the statistics but I don't actually believe there are families where children are not physically struck or yelled at. People can tell me and I just don't believe them. I got a dog last year and it is the first dog I've ever gotten as a five week old puppy. Now a year old he's fearless, affectionate and well trained. He is so much more trusting then the shelter dogs I usually take home (don't get me wrong, shelter dogs are awesome). I think it is because I never was nasty with him and never would think of striking him. He's not even afraid of brooms or rolled up newspapers! ...So I try to think of him when I think about the possibility that some kids are raised without violence.
Right? I always talk about my childhood very lightly, and people always give me these looks. It's shocking, because I just assumed that it was normal, especially since my extended family was the same as my parents. Or even when I talk about my school life and my peers, people stare at me in shock. I just go "What? It's a funny story! That never happened to you?" and they're like "Uh...no?" and it's super weird to me. I feel like it has to be funny though, both my family life and school life, because otherwise it'd be just sad, so it has to be a funny story, you know? Like, everyone's childhood was funny, they have funny stories, so I want my childhood to be funny too, I want to look at it with laughter, even if I have to laugh at something fucked up.
I lied so much as a child. my addiction ridden family expected loyalty from us kids, even though there was none in return. their criminal lifestyle forced me to be secretive and silent for so many years. to this day I feel guilt when telling the truth about my past.
yeah the moment of realization when you figure out your life is not normal....
@@TejubescDM pain is no competition and your perspective is vailid no matter what! there will always be people "who have it worse" but this mindset does not help those people or yourself. you have every right to get help and get better!
I think I had the toxic single parent. My mother died, my dad had CPTSD that mostly made him depressed as opposed to aggressive, though he could be verbally aggressive at times. He wasn't emotionally present and intellectualized many problems or simply shut down when he felt something was a hassle.
My bf had the aggressor+codependent dynamic. We are working through our respective traumas together as much as we can.
Because neither of my parents hit me I thought i had an okay childhood for sooo long. But watching this I felt like at least 3 of these described my upbringing
"Well dad's moving out, we're moving on, who wants Chucke E Cheese?" Is probably the best way I've ever heard to explain my life as a child. Thank you. Thw whole video is very interesting, but that sentence stuck with me the most
Same but it was amazing for me.
i feel you. we went and saw the Canada Day fireworks, literally minutes later. lol
I'M SO SORRY I LAUHED AT THIS BUT THE GOD DAMN CHUCKY CHEESE COUGHT ME OFF GAURD-
same! now im 21 and hve no control over money because if i feel bad i just spend.
@@karlaarana6999 same
The bit about seeing your friends or partner having a loving relationship with their family and that feeling foreign really hit me. My partner has a very loving family, and they tried to start including me in that love early on but it made me so uncomfortable. Thankfully they also understood when my partner explained some about my own family and they just always made room for me while giving me space. I never knew families could actually love one another so... unconditionally before. I mean they have their issues but they're kind and supportive. My family always acted like family was important until it was inconvenient or someone isn't going along with the illusion, then you're punished
I relate to this reply, I was astounded to see families interacting in a loving way. I had a ‘what’s going on here’ kind of feeling. Some very small incidents in my past stuck with me and I couldn’t understand why they were stuck in my memory. I now know that it’s because they were tiny acts of kindness by strangers and I wasn’t used to people noticing or caring about me.
A Calming video on How Bad parents are made. ua-cam.com/video/vdwR6sVRulk/v-deo.html
Wow. This perfectly explains my situation x
I agree with this so much. I’m 27 and I get so uncomfortable whenever I see my boyfriend be so loving and affectionate with his family. I once witnessed my boyfriend dancing with his mother at a bar where there was live music…..and all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was feeling while watching them. I felt jealous that my boyfriend is so confident and happy in life to the point where he can dance with his mom in front of random strangers. Does that make me crazy? Most likely. But I’m so grateful to have him in my life because he’s given me genuine love that I haven’t received from my family.
@@stolensilver6963
Yes, you are correct, remembering back how a neighbor invited me to sit in her living room, because the bus stop there every am. Gave me away to be free from a sick parent.
I'm incredibly thankful for this channel. Thank you for helping me 🙏❤
It was a mix of anti-love and chaos systems for me. I always became close with my friends' families and I think that is what really saved me and allowed me to get to a good place in life.
I grew up in a cult and once I was grown and able to move out, I looked back and saw the toxicity. Very unhealthy!
No pressure to answer, but can i ask what cult you were raised in? I don’t know if that is a weird or inappropriate question to ask, if it is, I am sorry!
@@Margaretj13 my sister and I were raised in one as well. It’s called Christianity.
@@Margaretj13 For me it was Islam. Very backwards form of Christianity in hindsight (also after talking to Christian individuals), powered by shame and backed by a toxic sense of community and other-ing
It's rather difficult to accept... The moments that were healthy were so precious and magical, I have such gratitude for them, and so it feels treacherous to view my upbringing as "toxic" or "unsafe" or "traumatic." Yet these videos keep proving applicable enough to get me crying, so needless to say, I'm evaluating the bizarre course of my adult life in an uncomfortable new light. Thank you, I think.
It's good that you can still cry. And that you can still hold the good things close to you. I am 41 and completely bitter about my family abuse system. Thankfully, my husband and I are both working so hard to break our family cycles together for our kids.
I resonate with this. The awesome great moments vs the terrible toxic moments….being the first born and an ENFP I thought a great deal of my mother….and my mother was loved by everybody I believed she loved me very much but she struggled with addiction and as an adult the rosed colored glasses I viewed her through were shattered. The reality of the back and forth, up and down…great times and sad times really did a number on me, but I am growing/healing but it’s an emotional journey forsure
The thing is we need a real family to be happy and we don't even realize most of the time we don't have a solid family usually the test is when stuff goes bad or you break with whatever weak principles the family works off of
Not a single person in my family was cluster B, and none, on an individual basis, were all that bad, but together, they can be absolutely horrible. My family were experts at winning an argument. Several accused me of always arguing fairly as an insult, like, "Ah ha! Gotchya!". "You do realize, where I'm coming from, you guys just gave me a compliment of honor and integrity?" They'll make you feel like you did something bad and deserve punishment one day, and a week later, they'll mock and belittle you for being kind and "naive". I could go on and on but what really gets me is I'm convinced none of them are bad people, just mentally twisted.
Most family systems arent textbook evil cults of abuse, so its not unusual to have a few very nice memories. My parents didnt plan to be toxic, they are no narcissists. But they made mistakes after mistakes and continue to do so. We still shared some really nice memories and we still love each other. A lot of things just could have been better.
Nobody ever looks at the structure of society and how it effects our personal and familial growth. Never once does this come into question.
Thank you, Patrick! I think that your videos about family dysfunction are some of the best on UA-cam.