8 Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style
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- Опубліковано 16 тра 2024
- Have you heard of fearful avoidant attachment or an avoidant personality disorder? Attachment theory describes the different ways people can act in a relationship. When someone has an avoidant attachment style, they are uncomfortable with growing emotionally bonded or close to someone else. It can actually be broken down into two subcategories: dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. Wondering if avoidant attachment applies to you or a loved one? Here are 8 signs of an avoidant attachment style.
#avoidant #psych2go #attachmentstyle
Related Video(s):
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Writer: Ria Parikh
Script Editor: Morgan Franz
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Naphia
UA-cam Manager: Cindy Cheong
References:
Catlett J. “Avoidant Attachment: Understanding Insecure Avoidant Attachment”. PsychAlive. Anxiety, Attachment, Self-development. N.d.
Pelly J. “What Is Avoidant Attachment”. Healthline. Healthline Parenthood. 27 September 2019.
Schumer L. “Here’s What It Means to Have an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships”. Good Housekeeping. 21 Jan 2020.
Taylor K. “How To Tell If Someone Has An Avoidant Attachment Style”. Medium. PS I Love You. 20 February 2020.
Hey Guys,
Don't forget about our other channel at Psych2go Education, our advice channel ua-cam.com/video/qUzFs_732vw/v-deo.html
Looking forward to connecting with all of you
Thx for the new vid!!!
@@flying_shark6950 we need more attachment style videos!! Much love ❤️💖💖
Guess I'll ask again and again
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Can ya'll make videos about the psychological effects of racism?
Also, could ya'll recommend some black/African American psychologist for some of us to reach out to, thanks.
Thank you for this interesting video, I really find some matches in my behavior. If not for your work, I wouldn't even notice them🤗
Will you ever do a video about stuttering?
I hate it because it's like I WANT friends, but at the same time I don't want people to talk to me?
Shucks
same
i’ll get sometime lonely from not having friends but the idea of making one and keeping up just seems exhausting to me at the same time
ik, ive been struggling with it for years now. it’s so hard for me to trust and make friends, i hate it
Pets
@@vonletho yes I’m the same way
I'm scared of the people who can tell exactly what I'm thinking based on the sandwich I'm making
“Hey honey, why don’t you ever invite your friends over for your birthday?”
Me: “Idk man we’ve only known each other for like 3 years.”
Right? Like the only people I’d let in are those who’ve known me AND my parents for like 3+ years.
Lmfaooooo. The accuracy.
lmfao
“I doubt they’d like to hangout either way.”
@@sleepyontime5513 nice profile pic...
The shallow relationship one hit WAY too close to home. When I look at the people around me, I see degrees of such intense closeness that are apparently a thing, but that I couldn't even imagine for myself, and I struggle (to not say I am unable) to understand how people create such ties. It makes me jealous and angry at the same time; I want to experience intimate friendships and relationships myself, and yet I am downright disgusted by what I hear/see from other people who are close to one another. "How the hell can you bear talking about such things?! It's no one's business!" kind of deal. I hate it, and it's one of the few reasons I've always felt like I'm a weird human being.
I have one really close friendship in my life and still I can’t explain how. It just happened ? We hung out a lot ? Obviously there a psychological stuff underneath but that’s how it felt. And well you have clearly different feelings (which is completely fine!) to me cause I can’t imagine thinking “it’s no one’s business”. Like learning stuff about the other person that’s not my business (in the sense of I don’t actually physically need to know it) is what makes me understand the person and like them and maybe try to help them with their problems or just show that I’m there for them (or just get a laugh out of a random story). In return I like having someone I trust enough to share silly or serious things.
Whoa... And to have someone else write stuff I thought only I was feeling... Cool...
Feels reassuring that I'm not alone on this. And at the same time, I understand that how you got to this way of thinking will have to remain none-of-my-business. Now I'm not sure what to do with knowing there are actually other people like us. Hahaha 😅
@@kevinjosephcapistrano4315 I personally suffer from these things, so my approach is to try and figure out how to be more "normal". Since there are other people like us, there should be people who found solutions, right?
I'm glad I'm not the only one
Same
Small anecdote:
Was with a girl I really liked and had for years. We started dating and I always told myself that if I ever had a girl sing a specific song to me I would marry her on the spot. Well, it happened, and I started panicking, in my chest I could feel that I wasn’t ready for that kind of closeness/openness. The one thing I thought I had wanted for so long was finally happening and I was shaking with fear.
Your Timbers we're shivering 😂
can I ask what happened?
"Winter"- Tori Amos
"When you gonna make up your mind?/when you gonna love you as much as I do?"
Bruh, I made a similar promise to myself and i'm kinda scared it might happen
Well that's just silly of you, it doesn't mean you have what the video was talking about. Marriage is so much more complex than singing a song. Would ya marry a girl you absolutely hate if she sang that song?
Alternate title. Being personally attacked by a person with a soothing voice for 5 minutes and 20 seconds
we never mean it that way!
@@Psych2go I know, I just get caught off guard sometimes😭
The majority of their vids 's same---
A bit late but same nonetheless
Its okayyy...
I like to agree HAHAHA
It's like wanting to love and interact with others, but interacting with them subconsciously triggers your flight/fight responsive.
Exactly
Yep...
Perfectly said.
Yes exactly
I crave a relationship but feel weak or inferior for having emotions therefore relationships don't work out.
I wasn't neglected in my childhood, on the contrary, I was overly protected. My parents worried too much about me and were blaming me for worrying them. So I've always been keeping my pain, physical and emotional, inside. I struggle to tell about how I feel even to a doctor. I either try to cover up any issue with jokes, or feel like I'm gonna cry if I'm trying being serious. It's all the same even if I'm just telling a doctor that my stomach hurts.
This video helped me to realize the cause of my behavior. And actually O collected a bingo of symptoms shown here...
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I understand where you are coming from as I have been there myself. I highly suggest talking to someone about these feelings you’re having, counseling has really helped me to sort out my emotions and learn how to handle them properly. Good luck on your journey.
Yeah that's the one, gotta love feeling like a liability so you grow too independent and detached!!
Same. My parents were so protective and that can cause stunted emotion and self discovery.
That is emotional neglect too. You didn't get the emotional support you needed, and no mature adults handling their own feelings as rolemodels on how you could later handle your own feelings and responses. That is also neglectful.
You just described how I feel so perfectly 😭
I think another reason why avoidant attachment style exists is social bullying. As for me, I've been socially bullied before (talked about, left out, randomly ditched/not talked to, etc.) so when you start to develop another friendship, you feel like that you can't open up because you don't want that to happen again. You weigh your words, you carefully decide what to share and what to keep to yourself, and whenever I make a mistake, I'm worried that I was too vulnerable/emotional.
I always wanted to be more cold and careless so I could build a wall for people who think they can get to me. I never liked naturally being an emotional person, since it made me feel like I was weak and naïve. I'm better now, with some exceptions of my weak points.
Social bullying has taken a pretty big toll on me, but I'm happy to work to the ground up now. :)
This
I can understand u in childhood then my family n recently the social circle I get into in office they show that they are being just frnd but they try to slightly harm u slowly slowly in disguise of relationship I hate connection but yeah I feel alone at same time I feel maybe m self victimizing maybe m thinking too much they aren't like that but yeah it later harm me more badly believing them even I say something with right intention my intention are judged badly it seems they are so bad self that they judge me as same as them this world make me realise it better to be alone peacefully then interacting with them romantic love scares me frndship scares me family scares me sorry that it seems so depressing for ppl who reading this but yeah hard to carry such life who just depicted weakly
No I get this! Kids wouldn’t talk to me or include me when I tried so I learned to detach first and not try to connect. It’s hard to unlearn, I wish you luck!
exactly this
whenever i unknowingly let out something cheezy id feel terrible for days
im not really sure how to fix this but i hope i manage to do it
Yes.
I feel so uncomfortable when someone tries to be intimate w me but I crave it
in my head it’s good but the execution of it makes me feel horrible, MAN
Thissss man. I can't tell, you many times I've downloaded and deleted dating apps because I want to be with someone but I just can't be with someone
I guess what we see in people when we grew up feel disingenuous and not permanent. Feels painful by conflicting with these things. Have to practice or still searching the right way to fully express the true you. Still practicing though. :')
@@AquarianValkari wow, I hope u heal.. ❤
Same. Been single for years and probably will always be... I have never felt a safe and real connection ever. Don't even know how to flirt, or date in general. In my head I think about what I crave but I understand it will always be only in my head. Everything is always just too complicated.
Yeah its paradoxical .in our life logic is only instrument we can use .emotion is gonner. If you ask me do you know happiness, I say don't know ,love what is that ,do yo feel sad I say don't know and so one .any emotionally related question is blank to me .if you ask me who am I, I would say I don't know.
Who else wants videos on the other attachment styles?
Yes, please! Pretty please?
YES PLEASE!!! I would love that!!!❤️
I do
Yes
Me
it honestly is very frustrating. i've always dreamed of having deep talks, having serious conversations about values with others, but whenever the topic heads there, i never feel "safe".
there was one time when i talked about what i truly felt to my best friend for years while we were hanging out together. that time, i surprisingly felt relieved, but of course it didn't last long. when we part that day, i regret everything that i've said, and i don't even know why.
it's not like i worry if she would tell my "secrets" (it wasn't even a secret in the first place, just my honest feeling abt a matter) to others (i know for sure she won't), but i feel anxious nevertheless. maybe it's because i'm afraid of being vulnerable.
and after i found out about this attachment style, it feels really something to finally be able to give this feeling a name. i wonder what should i do to improve myself though, being avoidant feels "secure" and alright to me now, but surely this will affect my future relationships😅
i hope everyone here can find solutions and improve the quality of your relationships. good luck!
“to finally be able to give this feeling a name”… I couldn’t relate more.
❤
i feel you, i'd feel really disgusted/insecure of myself whenever i told a close friend things ive been dealing with or things happening in my life. but im trying to get better!
I feel ya.
Hope things works for you.. ❤️
This video made me tear up, because it described my entire life, but I swear that I will beat it
me too.
usually i have to convince my parents to listen to my feelings for a SECOND.
Me too
Same😢
This attachment style has literally fucked up my life.
Mine too
Same
Hell yeah it has.
how?
@@bubu4951 it ruins everything lol, friendships and relationships.
i told my mom i was an introvert, and her response was
"no you're not."
okay mother, i guess im not an introvert now. truly, thank you for enlightening me.
Same here 😭
Same. I also told her that I've social anxiety but she's like why don't you talk to people. She doesn't understand that it's hard for me.
being an introvert isnt even bad
@@aaaaaaaafjjdjs to my mom's logic, "being an introvert will get you no where."
@@aaaaaaaafjjdjs i wasn't psychologically prepared to find a nctzen here 😭
I believe my avoidance began with my own mom. My mom has always been extremely emotional and was very depressed for most of my life, and as a child I felt like I had to be her rock or support. I think this made me associate expressing negative emotions as bad, weak, and burdensome to others since that’s how my mom made me feel. I decided at a young age that if I expressed my own negative emotions to another person I would make them feel how my mom made me feel so I avoided my negative emotions and only expressed my positive ones. There were times that I would go to school so upset and unable to focus on my work because I spent the entire previous night watching my mom sob uncontrollably therefore making me sad. I wish to overcome this as I know now the importance of expressing ALL of my emotions to another person in order to establish a deep connection with them and for someone to get to know me as a person better. Being vulnerable is my biggest weakness and almost feels impossible to do.
Thanks for describing that, I really feel you there as it is also my case but I always find it hard to put it in words.
You really just awakened something inside of me this was my life growing up I was literally having flashbacks while reading your comment thanks I mean it
I strongly relate to this currently T____T
You are NOT your mother! You are nothing like her, you will never be like her. It's normal to share feelings with others. Your mother was not normal, she was abusive to be able to behave like that in front of a child. She made a chaotic environment for you and others.
I don't know the past of my mom, but this comment feels like it's somewhat connected to where I am now.
Hardest part of dating an avoidant for me was the lack of emotional support when I needed it. If I was low, sad and or in distress, she would not be able to provide me any words of support, encouragement or empathy. Not even physical contact like giving me a hug and holding me while I cried. Nothing. She was triggered by my emotions. It felt so lonely. I knew right then and there her and I would not work out in the long run. Not because she didn't care, but she just didn't have it to give.
Shit hurts. Just got broken up with after nine years. He did it in the cruelest way imaginable. But now I'm just realizing he was clueless to my emotions in the first place so it came off that way for me, but to him it was a necessity I guess. Atleast you got out when you did. I still love mine, wish there was hope. But unless he ever opens up it would never work anyway, even if he has been constantly telling me he loves me still, even though he's the one that broke it off. Makes no sense to my overly emotional brain. But I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I don't think I can trust anyone ever again.
@@eptile Sorry to hear about your situation. It's more common in men than women to be avoidant but I now understand the frustration so many women feel towards men. It's not you. It's them. They didn't have the emotional upbringing that you did so they don't even know how to provide it. It's sad but there is nothing you can do. You deserve someone that is in tune with their emotions and can easily and openly express them without fear of judgment or ridicule. Avoidants are damaged. Hopefully one day they can realize they need healing and can work towards a secure attachment. But from what statistics show...this rarely happens. It's too deeply rooted in their upbringing.
They're robots... Just run.
If there’s no one close to me, then there’s no one that can hurt me. But I hurt myself while simultaneously protecting myself.
this one, oof yes
Don't worry I will protect you
Same, i dont want to get hurt but then at the same time you never know what youre going to get, could be pain, could be happiness, but one way or another, we get through it and maybe whats out there makes it all worth it, i guess its the same situation essentially - you have painful moments but you have safe moments and happy moments too. Im afraid to get hurt and while i know my feelings and anxiety are valid, my brain still gives me too much fear when it doesnt have to, but im trying to find a way to change my mindset. I dont want the fear to stop me from living my life, doing the things i want to do and experincing this happiness. But it can be so hard sometimes even though its easy for others. I wish we didnt have to hurt so much from these things, sometimes you just want a bit of rest from it all. Sorry for going off on a tangent lmao but i guess I wanted a way to get these thoughts out and im kind of dumping them here. I guess we get hurt regardless, but we can always find something or someone or even ourselves (or reply to a youtube comment like yours truly) that can help us get through it and get to the good moments so i wish you a lot of happiness. Im just gonna talk in the kind of way i wish people would speak to me, i dont really even care about it at this point. I hope you're not being too hard on yourself, dont be too harsh to yourself okay? Love you
too relatable, stop lmao
Well you have to start somewhere. Even if it is uncomfortable the first few times, it will get better. There is no guarantee that there won't be any pain, on fact, there will most likely be a few painful moments, but it gets much easier after that.
It's so ironic because I love the idea of being in a secure relationship with a loving partner but when anyone shows the slightest interest in me I completely retract out of fear of being vulnerable and intimate and convince myself I don't like them without even giving them a chance. I'm literally sabotaging my own life.
You recognize it. You can fix it. And no shame in getting professional assistance. Wish you the best. Stay positive
@@gsht5839 tysm!! i plan on getting a therapist once I'm financially secure and in the mean time read up more on how I can deal with it in a healthy way :)
100% the same
Same...
I do that a bit. In the past I’ve had lots of crushes, but now that I’m old enough and have met people through dating apps, once it comes down to them actually liking me back and getting close to a relationship, I get scared or uncomfortable. I’m talking to a great guy right now, I’m just scared I won’t end up liking him as much as I want to.
A friend of mine has a serious avoidant personality. This video helps me understand him better. I am naturally patient with him but he seriously got out of line that I almost started to have anxious attachment style because of him. But I chose to be more understanding and explain to him in a more vulnerable way how his actions affected me. And despite trying my best to understand him, only recently I found out about these attachment styles and it sure does make a lot of sense on why he acted that way towards me. I want to help him, but I know I cant help him if he doesn't want my help. I hope he would let me in. Because no matter what people around us tell us how idiotically patient I am with him, and how he is just like that, I believe in him. So, if anyone's out there needed these words, "Someone believes in you, someone is patient enough for you to take those steps. Baby steps if you must, but they will be there for you, cheering you up."
You are a great friend. And I’m sure he appreciates your effort too.
It is not so simple. There are a myriad of possible personal or mental afflictions compounding his condition.
An even worse case that could happen is when the individual is highly intellegent and empathic. In such a case they would have this completly skewed misconception that people are more aware than they "pretend" to be. These people have no idea how limited others are. They also do not understand why people will endlessly hurt them because these types do not like to hurt others and will not properly understand why others hurt them. They never learn that most of the slights and percieved "moves" others make are mostly out of ignorance or lack of empathy or higher level perception.
If your friend is one of these types you are going to have to somehow get him to understand that most people can not help but acidentally hurt others as they live their life.
If however your friend is not of the empathic and or intellectual type he should really go get help from a passionate therapist that actually wants to help people. It would really help if you walked beside him too in his therapy. He will need someone there for him to help reinforce postitive human interaction.
See I was in the shoes of your friend. But I ruined it so bad. I was so harsh to a potential best friend.
And that potential bsf didn't have the patience to deal with me. As anyone would. Idk. I'm just ruminating over the whole experience since the last month.
@@potatowarrior747 same here, but I've been ruminating for a year and I wish I could just hit Delete Memory
@@loraz5343 It's hard. I hope you get out of this mind on a loop.
I watched a video on "rumination" by TheraminTrees and it kinda helped. Maybe you could watch it.
Also doing some other activity instead of just thinking about that person and how I fkd up majestically, helped too.
Sending all the mental healing your way.
I've always wondered why I was so fearful of getting close to others. I had no idea such terms for a condition (or attachment style) existed. But nearly all of these describe me. I had a rough childhood, but it wasn't exactly awful. I still have trouble showing my emotions to family or others because I feel it makes me look weak. Also every relationship I develop with someone ends up fading over time due to lack of interest on my part where I just sort of start ghosting people for no reason other than emotional attachment making me feel uncomfortable. It doesn't work this way with romantic relationships, only friendships. I don't want to get too close to who I deem my friends because it sounds weird to me.
Does feeling comfortable with strangers, but the moment you feel connected to them you start feeling uncomfortable and try to shut yourself away from them count..?
I'd say so. It feels ok because they're at an arms length still- they don't really know you. But the moment they start to get closer and breach that distance is when I panic and put all my walls up, personally.
I'm good at making friends, but terrible at keeping them.
Strangers/acquaintances feel easier to deal with.
@@EM-sj3yf "im good at making friends but terrible at keeping them" this hit too hard
Yes, yes it does.
yes 100% i literally write a poem about it for school
I’ve always felt that the actions of strangers are more often genuine than those of acquaintances.
For me it’s complicated. I love the fantasy of a relationship, I want to open up to someone, I want to be emotionally attached, but I’m so isolated from everyone that I can’t even communicate with others. My voice fails me and I can’t even talk to my friends sometimes. And because of that I’ve resorted to online friendships because it’s the only way I can open up and be social :/
I'm the same ...its difficult isn't it.
@@nessauk2786 it definitely is.
have you sought out a therapist? they can help you work through this and/or see if your attachment style has something to do with a mental illness as well
YES!
This sounds like anxious avoidant
Growing up, I wanted friends, but it seems as if I was either rejected by a friend over another person, or locked out by cliques. When I became older in high school and had an expanded peer group, I found myself completely oblivious to those who wanted my genuine friendship. Has anyone else had this experience? How did you overcome this?
I had the exact same experience but don't knows a way out
Same, it's just worse now. So gg on a solution
I was also rejected by friend groups for being to expressive, now im just the complete opposite and am only expressive by myself, my thoughts and ideas are extremely taboo and philosophical and don’t really have a place in the average social circle unless its one on one friends. Ive grown to dislike my avoidance because I am a heavily affectionate and thoughtful person but can’t for the life of me initiate intimacy or connection building with new people in college. It doesn’t change, but it does help to be skeptical of the people you choose to hang around, and you become a generally wiser person.
Had a similar experience growing up. I did make friends in middle school, but didn't find out until much later that our relationships were one sided. I was the "therapist" of our group, but when I actually reached out for the first time, none of them were there. So, I'm not sure how to "fix" it, but start simply. Do you have a pet? Take care of an animal - they love you for free. Find meet ups in your local areas about things you have a real interest in. Foodies, video games, movies, gardening, whatever. Start from there. Meet people, let them introduce you to other things and other people, network from there. Take baby steps when it comes to getting to know people on deeper subjects.
I feel closed off now I used to crave constant connection
I’m an INFJ and most likely have this avoidant attachment and I constantly struggle with longing for/ forming deep relationships but at the same time fearing that I’m being “too open.” It’s a very strange and depressing reality. 😔
I was about to ask if there were INFJ’s in here. Wonder if there’s a correlation cuz, same
Same INFJ here. All the points in the video resonates with me. I always wonder why i dont like keeping touch with close friends. Why i ghost people often, why i like spending so much me time alone. why i hate showing vulnerable side to people, dont like asking for help and consider emotions to be sign of weakness and can be use to hurt you. So it all stems from my neglected childhood -_-
"internally punish yourself for being vulnerable" excuse me who gave you the right to call me out?
Nobody called you out
Ikr? Did they sneak into our journals or something?
Tryna tell my whole life story.
Somebody’s looking through my journal
@@rachecology So kind of you to explain properly and accurately. I was confused by why people didn't get it, didn't think about their level of English. Good point.
does anyone else w an avoidant attachment style constantly find themselves sabotaging their own relationships???? whenever i get close to someone i always have to fight the urge to become distant from them or overly critical of them bc emotional intimacy makes me want to die/throw up/move countries like. so many of my friendships i’ve ended bc ive been unable to deal w my issues and get over it and i feel like such a bad person :(
Yessss! Except for me for the longest time I came to the conclusion that "uh ok well I guess people are weird, and I am also weird, and one day I will have friends but that is not today!"
And then avoiding the thoughts that I might be avoiding shit
It's gotten to the point where I don't even interact with people at school, and then school tries to help me but they have no clue how so they draw their conclusions based on what they perceive.
You are not the only one. I do that all the time, for all of my life :/
I feel you. :(
Same LOL even for small things like if I’m a regular at a store or restaurant and the staff start recognizing me and becoming more intimate I immediately stop going there cause I can’t handle it
Damn I feel y same here
This fits me perfectly. I never realized or cared enough to face it because I never let myself like anybody, I was completely content just never thinking about being in a relationship. Until I met the sweetest boy who blindsided me. He came into my life and unexpectedly got so close to me. We became close friends first and recently confessed. He’s so sweet and a relationship-type person who freely gives out his love. I just wish I could give him back the same. I’ve just been terrified of the feelings I have for him. I’ve fought so hard to not have them. What’s crazy is this has all come to me and I’m insanely lucky yet all I want in the world is for him to lose feelings or reject me so I can move past this instead of having to take the plunge.
That explains what my wife did to me. I felt rejected all the time.
Have fun being alone. She never tried to work her traumas, I invited her a million times to therapy and she refused. So I left.
@@jgsarchangel I am 18 years old and do realize I need help for this; though it's hard to come to terms with. Still, I'm young and I believe I can get better since accepting your faults is the first step. I do not ever want to hurt anyone because of my issues and I feel for you and your situation. It's given me insight and a reason as to why I should work to be better. It's good you left.
I truly wish you the best. You are young and still have time… don’t dwell on your decisions, but try your best to open yourself up. You’ll regret when the chance passes you by… and you deserve to be happy. ❤
@@jgsarchangel dude??? you can complain or vent, that's fine, but why be so mean?
im a dismissive avoidant guy and i met a girl who made me feel this way and i think the feeling was mutual but of course i immediately resorted to distancing myself and letting the connection grow cold as soon as i realized my feelings.
we met in a college class over summer when i randomly sat next to her and we ended up in a group for a project. i didnt even find her that attractive at first, she was cute but it wasn’t on my mind. i just enjoyed talking to her. one day she mentioned that it was her 21st birthday and that she didnt have any plans because none of her friends were up there during summer so i offered to hang out with her. it ended up being one of the happiest nights of my life. i started liking her the more i got to know her. we were even talking about how we were both tired of casual dating and hook ups and how we were on the same page about what we wanted so i feel like she was giving me the green light. i was sitting at home and suddenly found myself thinking about her and getting a very strong urge to buy her something that i knew she liked and would have been an inside thing between us. not to be nice or to manipulate her but because the thought of making her happy made me happy. and it fucking TERRIFIED me. ive never ever felt that way about anyone, not even my own family. its like the concept of being emotionally close to someone set alarms off everywhere and my body and brain shut down against my will.
i still think about her a lot but this was around a year ago and she has a boyfriend who she seems very happy with. the last time we met up to hang out she spent the entire time raving about him and how perfect he was for her and i was just so sad and angry at myself on the inside while trying to force myself to be happy for her. and i am to some extent, the disappointment at myself just outweighs that
this is the story of my entire life so far. i fully expect to be forever alone.
I just realized that I have this yesterday. And the worst part is that I don't know how it happened because I love my parents and they have worked sooo hard to give me everything that I needed. And to think that they somehow neglected my feelings on early childhood (unintentionally) just breaks me. I knew that there was something wrong with me, I wish I'd known sooner.
This is how I feel. I just don’t believe I’m avoidant because I can’t fathom that my parents did this…at some point it just seems impossible because they aren’t like that. But I entirely fit the category. Especially with relationships and friendships. Once I share too much I feel sick and regret it and pull away. If I’m having a good time the next day I ghost them…for weeks on end. And only after a while apart can I come to see them again.
the fact this was in my recommended.. i love being personally attacked by the youtube algorithm. 😍😍
No kidding
Lol 😆
Same 🤣
same 🥰🔫
Yup! Lol
Man, I'm so excited about dying alone.
I feel you there
everyone dies alone. its the big equalizer.
Yaaaaayyyyyyy
Yup
Mee too 😏😪😭
I fell in love with a wonderful avoidant girl, she's the best girl I've ever met in my life. I recognize all these signs, and it's so critical for me be near her. But I cannot help but loving her, I like so much to embrace , letting her know that someone in the world really love her
I enjoyed watching this! Now I can confirm I'm really closed off but all of it stemmed from my childhood. I always said to myself it's okay to not have parents but it actually left me with trauma. Knowing this is enough to start on my Recovery journey. Thank you for making this video! ❤️
I change gyms, change jobs and relationships frequently because I become so uncomfortable when people attach to me. I desperately want connection but when I get it, I feel overwhelmed and I can’t stand it. So, I run. I’m so exhausted now. I want to stop running.
How do people get attached to you at the gym though, it's so easy to go and never speak to anyone
@@buzzlightyearandco I often wonder how this happens too. I wear huge ‘Fuck off’ headphones but people still wanna talk to me. I am too friendly and polite and British to not give them a few mins of my time. Do that for a year or two with several people and you/they have formed attachments.
Described me to a T.... I'm always on the run
Can't speak out even though needy,so when some crisis becomes too much for me to handle first I crumble,get disgusted by such display of weakness then I flee...I'm now sooo tired of this game because it's made me soooo uncool and unpopular...
Nervous laugh>*Hehehe but I can
always fix it*
Same
Sad how people destroy themselves. No one actually cares about your "displays of weakness" or looks, only you do and only you destroy yourself really.
In this situation I mean. "Unpopular" by that I assume you mean school, and if so.... is just stupid, who gives a sh*t about popularity? Wanna be a jerk like the popular kids? Being popular in school is basically labeling yourself a mean, manipulative b*tch and then no one will like you later in life, I can promise you.
summary of the video:
1. You were emotionally neglected in your childhood
2. You tend to suppress your emotions
3. You have trouble with emotional intimacy
4. You have extreme boundaries
5. You have shallow relationships
6. Strong independence
7. You have trust issues
8. You’re critical of yourself and others
Recommend watching to learn more
"you have trust issues"
That's probably me in roblox Flicker.
All of these are me.
Everything but 5 and 4
I feel called out
Sounds like me
you can really tell when these videos hit JEEZ. i just start crying half the time cause i think i have a more secure hold on myself. thank you so much for these videos
Watching this makes me realize how far I have come to being emotional vulnerable. I was hyper-independent from a young age. I have learned to be more open, but I still feel easily suffocated by too much affection or an easily drained emotional support
battery
I have so many mental problems I’m surprised that I’m still alive
It's a proof that you're stronger than what you think .
LMFAOO
Oi update me stranger are you still alive? If so I hope your doing well
Same
lmaoooooooo
Who else did the following:
1. Ghosted internet friends
2. Has more acquaintance friends than real ones, if any.
3. Would rather spend painstaking hours figuring something out than ask for help.
4. Cannot express your emotions to others accurately.
5. Feels like a secret agent.
6. Wants someone to get so close to them, but realizes the painful consequences of this.
7. Would rather be alone then surrounded by people and their judgments.
8. Is seen as being cold, strange, unemotional, and mean just for not being emotionally expressive.
9. Hyperanazlyes anything they do that may leave a trace of their emotions, e.g., deletes any video on avoidant attachment in case a sibling or a friend somehow see it on your watch history
10. Finds Bebe Rexha’s “Me, Myself, and I” song to be your anthem.
Wow over 700 people feel this way. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and I hope the number comforts you all too that you’re not alone either. 💜
Jesus.. I constantly relate to almost all of that, minus 10 and mostly 1, although I unfortunately ghosted or minimised conversation with a few people from fear of incompatibility with ethics and values. I wish I didn't have to, but I don't know how to deal with those situations without potentially being misunderstood as rude or dismissing unfortunately.
Though, do I have an avoidant personality when I get along well with a few online friends and a 64 year old neighbour in real life (he's pretty different but very accepting) while I can't make myself form stronger friendships with almost all Australians or even meet people locally?
I know its at least trauma with regards to my fear of my people from guns and individualist ethics being super taboo but I don't know if I'm still avoidant with relationships and connection when its only with authoritarian people who could hurt me if they find out my true self. Though, its a lot of people in this world and especially here where freedom and my guns passion is seldom.. I don't know how to meet people through other interests when it still doesn't erase their potential fear of my kind :(
Goddam man you just described me... Literally everything you said is precisely how I feel,so I'm not the only one like this
Glad I'm not the only one
Nah I just think you guys are teens
@@casuals.3.19 I'm 22, not a teen. Its young, but I'm not a teenager and my issue is legitimate also.
The person’s voice and speaking rhythms are so natural. Easy to listen to, unlike those videos where every pause is cut out. Thanks!
a few years ago i would have agreed with most of these points, but now i think i'm midway between Avoidant dismissive and secure so i'm happy about this. it took me dealing with a partner who was way more avoidant than me to actually sit down and try to understand myself and her better. to anyone reading this, you got this! acknowledging your attachment style is definitely step 1 for healing
Bruh, now I know why I can't have a good & stable relationship with anyone.
Dont let your struggles define youu :)
Shit, the worst of all is that this cannot be controlled, or at least I feel like it is my natural instinct and that I cant stop it.
These instincts once identified.. I believe.. built up a backing mechanism.. to get them down and still do what you want. Like.. some online sites or places where you can simply ask what you should do when you feel the anxiety strike even when you know the other person is good and is just trying to make a relationship.
Let them know that you struggle with it and ask them to be patient. Communicate and work through! You always can! Don't let these fears rule you. Now that we are aware it's time to work on it hence forth.
Hhahaha
@MackDaddy OfJustice it is, srry I didnt explained myself hee, but its not impossible, it requieres self commitment and awareness of the patterns you are repeating, theraphy, work etc, techniques like meditation, healthy lifestyle maybe, but actually you can do better, and its easier once you are aware of your struggles and where they came from
The problem for me is that I really want deep relationships and crave that kind of connection. But it absolutely repulses me to be vulnerable with people. I get grossed out and embarrassed that I opened up to where I get distant until I’m ready to be closer to them again but not too close. It’s honestly so hard to change because if I try and be vulnerable I have to deal with how I feel about myself and I tend to like the other person less just for being there and listening. While staying where I am, I’m at least comfortable and can keep a friendship at an arms length.
Yes, I feel that. I'm a walking contradiction, it seems: I desire connection, but am at the same time repulsed by intimacy. I often feel like a strange creature.
This Is so relatable damn
this.
@@michaelrainbow4203 i am the other way around , I crave intimacy but repulse connection . like all I want from a friendship is a true person that I can meet from time to time not get personal just deal with anything in hand but have a comfortable physical connection . That's it , I don't need to know abt your secret nor do you have to know abt mine .
SAME
My parents are narcissistic doctors. They both put in a lot of hours and didn't spend a lot of time with me when I was a young child. I remembered when I was growing up, my dad was usually an hour late picking up from school or whatever activity I was involved in. It came to a point where I couldn't rely on them, and had to stop participating in extra-curricular activities. I was always told to stop crying when I was hurt. I was always told to figure things out on my own. I was always criticized.
I'm 41 years old right now and the longest relationship I've been in was 3 months. This video certainly explains a lot. I've been going to therapy for around 7 years now. I hope I can be repaired and be in a real loving relationship.
Has therapy helped you?
@@cevirimanceviriman Therapy has definitely been a journey. There have been times where I left sessions feeling worse, because a memory has been triggered, or admitting that I need to improve in a lot of areas. I've become more aware of myself and what I need to do.
I still don't have a girlfriend or been in a relationship. I need to put myself out there more, be more confident in myself, and learn to trust people again. I generally assume people are awful, and need to let go of that belief. I need to talk to strangers (which still seems scary). I also need to realize that I'm good enough and worthy of love, despite how competitive it is out there.
@@cevirimanceviriman My previous comment was hidden for some reason. I would say that therapy has been helping, but it takes work and accountability. Therapy uncovers a lot of triggers and bad memories.
I now know that I need to work on my self confidence, and learn to trust and love people again. Not everyone is mean. There are people who really like me for who I am.
This is me, with the exception that I'm not generally critical of others, I can see their flaws but refuse to see them as a bad thing.
Trust issues are weird. I don't mistrust others in the sense that I think they'll intentionally hurt me. I just don't trust them to take care of me better than I could, or in a way that I need. In my mind, only I can do that.
Ive been waiting for this comment! We don't think everyone's shitty...just that they're not properly equipped? I love myself but i i dont trust ppl to see my full worth like i do 💁🏼♀️
THISSSS!!
Like i have 0 expectations, like we can be married for 40 years and if u cheat one day, i’m like meh, no big deal, took u long enough
@@june6556 oh my god this is so me, i fee l bad that I laughed out loud. but you are right. Disappointments arent disappointing anymore
@Peter mrui That depends. I'm sure it's like that for some. But for me, it makes me lonely. On edge. Dodging everyone's attempts to help me, even in the most mundane situations, physically and emotionally.
See, it's not that I have a healthy amount of independence that lets me deal with expectations and the consequences thereof.
Its also not that I don't have expectations. For people to do their jobs, to treat others with basic respect, to do all those impersonal things that they are expected to do. Those are expectations as well, after all. I don't have an issue with those expected roles and consistencies of life.
It's that I have learned that expectations that regard me on a personal level - not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well, which is really hard for someone with a chronical illness - are not properly going to be met. By which I don't mean they're actively going to be disappointed either, but the proper execution of anything concerning me is something I feel I can only trust myself with.
No. It's not how we all should see things. But it's alright. I tell myself that lie too from time to time, just to comfort me.
I hate people who're like having a boyfriend/girlfriend is thier only reason to live. Its annoying sometimes.
Edit: Hate is too much of a strong word, thanks for the peeps in comments lol. I dislike it because in my family, most of them would rather a partner than education and it throws me off why they do it, kinda sad tho
Why
Totally agree...my room mate was like that, I could barely stand her.....
I'm like this but i can't control it soni avoid relationships.
It's annoying because it seems like they *need* someone or they're not a person. A partner should complement you. Not create you
"Hate" is too strong a word and feeling for something like that. There's a reason why it would affect you like that. You might need to look into that reason or reasons.
It's only been 2 months since I got together with a dismissive-avoidant partner. I have an anxious attachment style, so it is kind of very hard for the both of us. I'm just starting to learn about attachment theory, and somehow, it makes me feel better to know that she is not necessarily "faking her feelings", but instead I understood that it was only a difference in our attachment styles. It makes me hopeful to know that some couples get better through time and mutual work.
How’s it going
@@Adam-hx1gw we already broke up at the 3-month mark
@@noelalbertperez3664 same scenario as you. I entered it secure, and left insecure. Didn’t understand what avoidant was until now and it was so frustrating. I made a lot of dumb mistakes (lying) which ended it. But finding closure in that it prob wouldn’t of lasted anyway lol. She just wouldn’t let me get close at all. Two steps forward, five steps back
I don’t want to change it, it’s a superpower that I’m thankful to have
I didn’t even realize, but this all makes sense. I don’t like to be vulnerable, crying, or ever showing weakness in general. It takes long for me to get close to anyone and when I do end up sharing something that I consider weakness, I start to distance myself. I internally cringe at the thought of someone knowing my emotional vulnerabilities whether I’ve known them for 10 years or 6 months. My father always did tell me never to cry in front of people and that I was too sensitive as a child, my mother said similar things like I was too emotional and she wouldn’t ever listen to why I was upset, that could be a reason why I don’t like asking for help or being emotional with people
Man,that sounds awful!
Maybe you can kinda "learn" to do it,when you first start to express these emotions in front of yourself.If you can watch a sad szene or music and try to react or smth....but seriously thats really bad parenting
*Hits too close to home man.*
@@squidaker **same**
Better have strong defences to survive attacks from everywhere, even from close one's
Fkk, if I ever accidentally REVEAL anything, big or small, I have a panic like flight kick in. I have to write the person off. I can physically feel a full body cringe when I think about it after the fact. Even years later. I'm also a terrible friend:( I'm never 'present' ...I jus can't keep them....don't really want them. I feel like I should come with a 'hazard' label.
"Do you secretly look down on people who depend on others?" Nope...I do that openly.
LMFAOOOO ok same
BRUH SAME 💀 we emotionally unavailable or whatevaaa
mah man
Antoine Bilbord bruh don’t judge ppl just cause you weren’t in their shoes. no one in this world can survive being independent. Some ppl might need someone to depend on due to childhood neglect and other reason and they are pretty much looking for someone to love them and be something they could never have, have some empathy
A**hole
I'm surprised because I clicked on this video thinking I'd learn something about some of my problems (avoidance sounds quite accurate), but every single trait described in the video actually matched with a friend. Thanks
The accuracy of this in my life makes me literally want to cry. This explains so much, and I can see it over the span of my life. I’ve been trying to work on it, but it’s always there.
"One cannot be betrayed if one has no people."
- Mr. Kobayashi, THE USUAL SUSPECTS
I say something like that to myself alot ;-;
only reason why i have never been betrayed lmao
This quote is basically the rapresentation of my life
“Why are you so secretive with your emotions?”
Me: *flashbacks to my dad laughing at me for being sad*
Me: uhh no reason
Omg.. Same with my mother.. She even mocked me for crying or being emotional..
*hugs you* ;_; You are valid and you are enough! ♥
@@Lutzifalilia well I used to be mocked at school for crying and now I always try not to stand out by hiding my emotions. My grandma telling me to stop crying doesn't help either
Exactly
Lutzifalilia aww, thanks❤️❤️ *hugs*
I feel you. I used to get beaten for being sad by my dad.
I never thought it'll end up this extreme to me. Over these past years ive been vocal of my feelings to my friends however, none of them comforted me the same way i did for them when they are struggling. I was also open in showing emotions but my relatives somehow made it seem like it's uncomfortable or made fun of me. And now ive become so avoidant of people and my emotion; im becoming more apathetic and my avoidant attachment is strong. Ithink it's for the better; that's a price im willing to pay for my own peace and sanity
I really relate to the last part. All these videos about this attachment style talk about fixing it. I don’t want to change- I feel safe in this way.
I’m so uncomfortable getting close to new people. They always disappoint me or end up judging me. They’re never as good as they seem and they never love me how i am. I’m too much for them and they don’t understand how needy and insecure i am.
When they don’t know me, I’m stronger and less vulnerable. I don’t need validation from people i don’t care about. Don’t hurt me i just can’t take it again.
This entire comment section is so relatable and this actually makes me feel nice in a way that i am not the only one suffering, we are all in this together.
It’s making me feel bad because it’s dredging up old memories…
But 👍 for the positivity
Yesss you are never alone even though it may feel that way. You have a soul tribe of like minded people out there who've endured similar challenges.
@Tej unlike Megamind over here
You're right I thought It's just me but there's others who relate it too
Besides
Staytiny✌
Yep
Does anyone feel like a different person when they’re in public vs when they’re alone? Not that I’m two faced and act differently when I’m around different groups of people, but the person i project into the world is completely different than the actual person I am. On top of that its almost as if my emotions completely turn off. I am unable to cry, or be sad when I’m around anyone even my family. Not that I wont let myself cry but I’m incapable of feeling emotion. I want to stop this but I don’t know how or why I’m like this
"The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are" This Is a Pop Culture Quote I've Read Years Ago, I Usually Prefer Depth/Authenticity, But That Quote Really Stayed With Me, Here's a Link With More Insight :)))
Would Highly Recommend Jordan Petersons Videos On UA-cam Also :)
seekerofthesouls.wordpress.com/tag/japanese-proverb/
@@powertrihy4874 appreciate it
I feel the same way as you. I've been trying to act more like myself around others, but it usually ends up with me acting like someone who is even less like myself. It can be difficult sometimes, and it takes a lot of work, especially with someone who is extremely self conscious.
I'm definitely in the same boat as you.
@@powertrihy4874 persona ego and shadow. What you show, what you think, and what you dont want to think or show.
wow that's relatable like you could be having a bad morning but once you go to school and stuff a switch turns on and suddenly you're the happiest person ever ready to hype some people upp 😅 I just feel like I project a more carefree and happier person to other people when I'm in public compared to at home or alone..is that what you mean..?
Wow right in the feels, wish I'd had this knowledge years ago it would have helped alot. The amount of times people who've invited me to join them and I just backed off and walked away because I didn't trust to the point of being fearful of having friends.
As someone with a primarily more anxious attachment style, these videos helps so much with understanding my avoidant friends/loved ones since i know its hard for them to express it themselves
It's actually so frustrating bc I want to compliment people, hug people, show affection and have heart to heart conversations but when the opportunities come, that sounds like the most terrifying thing to do and I just become so closed off. So people probably think i'm super judgemental or avoiding them but i'm really just TERRIFIED of getting close to anyone, even my family. And at the same time all I want is to be close to someone. It's incredibly frustrating because it feels like i'm never going to meet someone who understands this. I wonder if this is something I can change or just forever part of my personality..
damm.. so true
Yes you can change it! Find a therapist that addresses attachment issues, read books. The more aware you are of your internal dialogue, the easier it will be to change it. Follow Thais Gibson on here (UA-cam). Good-luck
Man I have never felt so identified with something. But even if I tried I feel like I wouldnt be able to Trust someone. One question: Did you ever feel like people see you like an emotionless monster?
Same
@@theredkoala5524 i have. All the time. My parents literally call me an emotionless manipulator
Hard-core avoider here, life is easier when you don't rely on others.
ok but literally same- like it takes so much longer to talk to others about my feelings, its so much easier to work on myself in my head rather than embarrassing myself in front of others LMAO
I realized sometimes I just want someone to talk after a long day, and in the morning before I work to do my stuff
@@trevorfranks69 I don't have that problem, I can go for weeks without talking to anyone, the lockdown was the best time of my life. Alone in my house and escaping to my favorite places all to myself while everyone was locked inside.
@@RealengoPrimordialDemon Ikr, I loved my alone time, while it was complete hell for my extroverted older brother 😂
it means you have never had relationships? 😑
Honestly i clicked on this video because i already knew that i would match with it. I'm literally laughing about it. Man I'm indeed traumatized i guess 😐
And the worst part is i matched with literally everything 😶
Don't forget about comforting yourself by "creating" your own best friend no one knows about
Edit: Welcome like-minded people, you're not alone anymore
This feels like a personal attack
Omg I thought I was crazy for doing that. shiiiiit
Oh u mean Timmy?
He's good friend of mine in my mind. At least...
Where I'm safe.
yes she's the best
Not just one - 👁️👄👁️
Lol the funny thing about this is that when you do try to break down those walls and actually try to be open to those who trust you and you want to trust they don't listen so what's the point of doing it in the first place. Besides then you gotta deal with a whole lotta self deprecation after and that's really exhausting on its own.
Yeah i get you
I've tried opening up before and usually they ignore me and try to change the topic or they judge me
But what should i expect from shallow friendships ?
You'll find better ppl one day who'll love u , just keep on pushing forward
Exactly! People won't say it if you ask them since it's conditional to respond a certain way but deep down they don't want to acknowledge you either because it's just more trouble to deal with you than it would be to just try to ignore and dismiss you
Samee :,(
I can relate to people not caring about my true feelings or it being too much for them.
Here's my thoughts:
I have realized that only some friends are willing to really hear you out. And oftentimes, you have to listen to them and love them first - I think that allows them to be vulnerable, when they know that you'll listen and that you don't jump to venting as soon as the opportunity arises.
Also, some friends care about what you say, but they're just not sure how to respond.
In conclusion, people probably won't care about you if they haven't gotten to know you and seen who you are through your actions. True friends are rare and should be treasured.
Why did I cry watching this? Each and every points resonates w me
As a girl who grew up with 4 brothers, mom was the bread winner and she was in the military when she was my age, caused a LOT of toxic masculinity problems within me and I find it so hard to explain bc people say girls cant have that but they definitely can. And I think it's the worst when a girl/woman has toxic masculinity when it comes to feelings and emotions bc we're suppose to express them the most ):
Who else felt like they never had a real best friend in the group they hang out with? 😅. Ive always felt like i dont belong. It's like whenever i get close to someone, it'll reset in a day or two and I get shy all over again. Pretty weird.
🙋♀️
Me☺
Yes, man. You have describe my whole life... 😢. Thanks for share and I send you a big hug.
same
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE
I’m afraid to get attached to people because I’m afraid of the damage that detachment could do. I know, ironic.
Love=pain. You learned that somewhere, who taught you this?
don Fefinho I don’t really know lol
@@RP--no7wj Just go back in time far enough, don't be afraid. The truth might be uncomfortable, but also liberating. I myself was abused by a comorbid NPD/BPD divorced mother and neglected by a father who ended up in a second marriage with a woman with the same condition, the eldest boy from that mating has the same role of scapegoat I had, so we have quite a rapport with little dude.
don Fefinho yeah I grew up privileged, my parents and siblings were always supportive of me and I always had friends. But I guess, if I’m honest, my childhood was a little messed up at times.
I'm very sorry i am the exact same way I'm privileged and my family is very supportive but i can never be myself around them, i usually just try to sleep a lot to avoid contact with other humans and not show any a motion but that just makes my parents mad at me and they call me names. oof
I don't always think someone that has problems and trauma at a young age is always because of parental neglect, but more often is because of the way they socially interact with kids at a young age. I feel like this channel fails to mention it a lot. For instance, I was severely bullied and taken advantage of due to having a disability i couldn't control. I acted weird and hyper a lot. I slowly became more mature, but also more and more depressed. I became quiet and overly reserved not ever wanting to disclose my feelings to others. I had tried to be in a relationship, but didn't show them enough attention to start any meaningful conversations. I don't like to share my feelings, but i enjoy to think of a secure relationship. Odd and Ironic, I know, but how does this work?
nope. society could be hursh, people could be terrible, but everthing depends on parents. If they keep loving caring and protecting kid he\she will be fine regarless of environment.
Usually it has to do with parents cause those are the people we mainly look too before the age of 10. And being emotionally neglected like I was (from everyone not just my parents) seriously hurts you
There's genetics and biological influences, there's parents, there's peers, there's other cultural and societal influences, but attachment style has been studied specifically through parenting. I agree bullying has to do with it too, but that's not the focus of this video
I was always ignored by my parents when expressing negative emotions like sadness or anger, left to deal with it by myself. Now I really struggle to build relationships with people... It sucks.
same exact thing here. good luck and i hope you find a path that works for you! 👍
“Did you recognize any of these signs in yourself?”
**sweats profusely**
Wait.
*there's a name for that*
*I HAVE BEEN LIED TO MY ENTIRE LIFE*
*_I SWEAR I TOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC_*
literally me tho 😭 💔
aHAJJCK ME TOO
or probably you are
Yeah I had no idea why I had such a visceral reaction to affection but I guess I know now
Lmfaoo same I always wondered what is wrong with me
Hey Psych2Go, I am 18 years old and recently joined college. Soo here I noticed some of my behavioural and thought patterns.
I'm afraid of close relationships since I strongly believe they are not going to be with me.
And in initial conversations I tend to build a pseudo character of me to please others and make them like me..but you know it doesn't work for long term....
Thank you soo much for this vedio 😊😊
This is me building invisible walls to anyone who wants to get close to me.I want that “space” from everyone but I also crave to build meaningful connections…
This attachment style feels like being on survival mode.
Used to be more open and expressive as a child, but due to my traumatic experiences, I developed this style. I find it to hard to be vulnerable or even sharing my emotions, unless that person is trustworthy.
It's so funny, around strangers I feel super comfortable. I could dish out my entire life story to a stranger at a party that I _know_ I'll never see again, but around people who I know will stick around in my life for a long time, I feel uncomfortable and nervous if they try to get to know me on an emotional level.
It's like "No, ew, you're trying to legitimately understand me as a person? Wtf, that's none of your business, get away from me."
@@gabrielam.7681 I feel you completely, I tell this to my mother, but she cannot understand at all
survival mode? you mean hardcore mode
Even whenever I trust someone, I just end up opening up to them about my trauma with really terrible jokes and awkward delivery in an attempt to still keep the conversation casual as if we’re not discussing decades of abuse from just about everyone you’re supposed to trust. Not only am I just DEEPLY uncomfortable with vulnerable conversation, but everything that’s ever happened to me was so normalized to me as a kid that there’s still a part of me that occasionally forgets that not everyone grew up in such terrible circumstances
@@gabrielam.7681 i relate 100%. My sister and i say we feel ‘dirty’ if people get too close and see the baggage we have. It’s really weird as deep down I know i am a good person.
I dated a girl with this attachment type, she was beautiful in every way but had serious underlying issues. I really wanted the relationship to work but I found myself confused and blaming myself all the time for things she’d do, but she was just protecting herself. For example if I mentioned another date she’d say she isn’t feeling it, but then give me subtle hints (not actual direct hints) that she’s still into me. It was exhausting, I didn’t know to stay or to go, I felt so bad everyday because I’d blame myself for things I’d said which could have upset her, but it was just her being avoidant. Just a warning for those seeking a relationship with this attachment type.
I know and somewhat like someone who I think is like that.
It's very tiring indeed. But I do pity her, so a portion of me wants to stay.
Relate man!
as a girl who does have this attachment style, im really sorry dawg. i used to do this w my ex, but it was never really conscious of my behavior.
hope you're doing alright !
You literally just described my last relationship, it got too draining I had to walk away from him and that was hard
@@puteriaishah06 I'm really interested in a girl just like you but doing things with feels odd, like I do anything and I'd probably get a smile then I start questioning myself if I am enough, I mean I know for a fact she didn't date and I don't want to overwhelm her with my feelings even tho she's someone completely different while texting. She for sure has given oh to many hints but I don't want to go for it mostly since I've known her for 7 months, she is a introvert by default after talking with her old friends and her telling me how she is, I just hope she feels convertible with me, I don't want to say everything like ideas etc on my mind but sometimes I really want to in front of her. It be amazing if you can give some advise on how to understand things because I really want to know.
I've never heard of this thing before and yet I fit every single points in this video
Thank you for the video. I feel seen. For a long time I feel that I am the problem for not wanting a long lasting relationship. The relationship with others makes me feel trapped and feels like I can't be myself. Finally I know what happened and I hope I can slowly change for the better.
You can do it!
Someone: "Id like to get to know you more !"
My brain: AAAAAAAAAH MAYDAY MAYDAY RUUUUN
Sameee!!
What i think is:There is nothing worh knowing about
*my word is unquestionable, do not ask again*
Hahaha. Good luck I dont even know who I am
😂😂😂
I’m a total loser…there’s nothing with knowing
I really want a relationship where I can share these things, but it feels like crossing an impossible bridge. It's never the right time, or i don't want to burden others, or it would change a positive opinion into maybe a more concerned opinion. So it stays surface level where it's comfortable for everyone, and no one person knows everything
That’s the thing. I desire relationships like this but don’t pursue them because I fear that as I open up the other person would see this baggage I carry and run away.
It’s even worse when this fear is confirmed. When you face the fear and decide to try to be free and open up knowing that the other person might decide to cut you out. When they actually cut you out the pain is so bad it’s almost unreal.
Actually you don't have to tell things to people to make them "read" you. Your reactions and behaviour will tell them more with words. If you think others would be burden, you lie to yourself, claiming, tha people will perceive you as a burden no matter what. You expect rejection no matter what, so it ends up as a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.
If you remain on the surface level, people will know that you keep them on the surface level. To some people it's going to be comfy, to others - very unpleasant.
@@stayclassic2361 Every person has a baggage. What are you afraid of? Being seen as imperfect? You are, so what? Being weird? So what? This is childish thinking, not mature one. Mature way of thinking includes understanding, that people's reaction won't depend on your baggage, but their choices about you.
I know many wonderful ,warm, emathic, friendly people with 'baggage'. I myself suffer from CPTSD. I do have baggage too. I have two wonderful friends who know all the details of my terrible baggage and love me, like, me and respect me despite of it. And that's beautiful. They help me to heal.
And some people ridiculed me because of my "baggage". I don't need these people in my life. Their behaviour tells everything about them, nothing about my value.
If you are unwilling to take a risk, you will be imprisoned but yourself.Forever. REally, it's not worth it.
Oh, and mind you, that the people without any baggage also get rejected and ridiculed by others, for other reasons (like envy). So NO ONE is free from the risk of being rejected. GEt real about it and give yourself a chance.
@@missstarrynight7736 made me realize i wouldn’t wanna be with someone who sees my trauma as a burden. all the shitty things are sadly apart of me and it’s not fair to me to keep that hidden from someone to keep them around.
@@missstarrynight7736 i really do feel imprisoned. someone who i wanna be close to is still at an arms length. they’re a really good person and i feel like i’m suppressing our relationship bc i’m scared. i feel so stupid rn.
Omg. Omg. OMGG I cannot thank you enough for this video! This video exactly explains my situation rn.. it's a bit complicated and hard especially when my school friends mistake my avoidance for "not caring" I wanna talk to them sm but I just can't keep up a conversation(for some reason my head is blank for topics when I'm talking to them) or a closer and stronger relationships :') and some specific school "friends" are talking behind my back too with the same problem. Oh, and yesterday was actually prom for me and they did the same thing and trash talked -,-. I'm infinitely thankful again psych2go now I have a much more clear understanding of my problem !
Every day I think more and more that I have this attachment style. Watching this has definitely helped. Although, I don’t have a lot of neglect trauma. I mean, my last relationship was great, and then they started avoiding me and I was really stressed out about it. A few weeks later we broke up, and I still don’t completely know why. This was a year and a half ago, and is the time since I have been on a constant internal rerouting journey that takes so much energy out of me. It’s hard. It’s even harder to think realistically about getting into another relationship again, even just a friendship. I have such high standards of how my life should be by watching my sister succeed in every. Single. Little. Thing. She. Does. I am chronically jealous of her, and that is so selfish and I shouldn’t be, but I am. I’m a horrible person. I just want love, but I crave a love so specific that it’s just become a daydream at this point. I can’t… I just can’t. When I was a kid, I watched all the princess movies, all the Disney stuff, and it tricked me into thinking that that was how love was always supposed to be. With that relationship that I had, it was so magical and life changing, and I felt safe and loved and secure and imagined living out the rest of my life with them. I put all of my trust and hope and love into it, and it ended. A part of me went missing afterwards. I still haven’t found it yet. And I’m giving up on trying anymore. I have formed major trust issues, emotional wounds, insecurities, melancholic tendencies and closed off behavior not from the relationship itself, but from the heartbreak journey of the aftermath. I am so sorry for anyone that had to read this, please have a good day/night. Sending love ♥️
Edit: for anyone that has found this comment a year later, I am so happy and proud to say that I have healed. My passion for the world and all its beauty has been completely revived by the wonderful life of nature. I found myself in spirituality and in falling back into God, and I have discovered that I was never broken, that I have always been whole; I just had to find what I thought was missing deep inside myself. I am now in a committed, long term relationship. I’ve found a passion for Life, for the green of the world, and for myself. There are still hard, difficult times, but I have learned from the worse experiences, and now feel prepared to keep moving forward. Though likely not many people will come across this message, I would like to say: Don’t give up completely. There’s always something to Love, and pure Love will always lead to better things. Much Love ♥️
You are a precious person and do not deserve to lose out on love because of something within yourself stopping you.
Thank you for this insightful comment. It really helped me to better understand someone that holds a special place in my heart...
Sending you a super tight hug and all the luck in the world.❤
@@mrpm354 thank you so much. I hope that whatever you’re dealing with and whoever you’re thinking of is able to heal. ♥️
ah, the eternal question: am I aromantic or do I just reject any kind of intimacy?
THIS OMG-
I ask myself this question every day :P
Me being asexual: yes
Me, being aro/ace and fearful avoidant: *yes.*
This, THIS I never thought I would read my exact thoughts online. I’m already 22 and trying to figure that out without being able to “try” and have a relationship with anyone. I can only hope I can figure that one one day.
THISSSS
Maybe my “disconnect until you’re ready to reconnect”, isn’t as amazing as I thought it was.
and I thought I was being smart when I came up with that lmaooo
I feel attacked right now
This is my exact tactic rn STAWP
Can never be ready to reconnect, though. And might possibly never reconnect.
@@jdcv17 same smh
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! That's me, but besides having distant cold parents, being a latchkey kid and autistic with ADHD made relationships hard for me.
But I tend to share too much though... Communicating is hard! 😫
I once had a friend who was like this, we had a strong friendship for a couple of years but eventually the avoidance was so intense it made her completely end the friendship, unfortunately.
I feel so called out by this video.
In my parents' defense though, they never neglected me in any way. It was my experiences with peers growing up that was the more likely culprit. I would be much worse off without my parents support.
same
Me too
Exactly! My parents are the exact opposite of neglect. Its was definitely my peers and even teachers that did most of the damage.
school bullying probably plays a major role. Especially when you're a little kid just reaching out to people to say hi and it blows up in your face.
@@tasharch you can't say hi to people without offending them somehow, at the end I just shut myself in and kept quiet for 8 years since friendship bothered them so much. I picked the worst school to attend. Now I avoid people in fear they'll react the same and I'm constantly thinking it's innapropriate to talk about anything deeper than regular shallow things. I tried a few times and just as I feared they got weirded out and pushed me away. Don't get me started on trust issues, I don't even trust my parents from very early age, I just feel like everyone is trying to stab me in the back and I have to be extra observant of my surroundings.
It's so important to understand that in order to pick up our relationships wisely. Don't blame yourself for it, don't blame your parents for it. Instead, identify it and work on it.
Wise words MAn. Appreciated
So even if we know our parents did something to us we shouldn't knowledge that or shouldn't do something about that? And should I try to tell them?
And isn't this pretty vague? Literally what a fortune teller would say. Not wrong, but vague.
This kind of advice don't do nothing for others, principally if they needed, and only the ones that don't need or already know what you are talking about that will say that this work or that this is helpful.
And if you have this problem and are really trying to help yourself out, please stop looking at vague mensages and literally think for yourself and with a professional. Don't make the mistake I and probably a lot of people do.
Agrreed. Totallyyy.
Are you one of those who never blame parents for their child's misfortune even if it is their fault? Well, I don't agree, if it IS their fault it is their fault, and they should be held responsible.
@@gabrieldeoliveira7725 Umm, I generalized a bit. Of course, there are certain situations where you cannot possibly forgive them for the abuse was tolerable. But I have seen a lot of people hating their parents for no solid reason. I counsel a lot of people daily and this is one common link everywhere at least in India. It may not be prevalent in your country but I believe people really need to understand that they too come from their own traumas and it's important to understand them.
I’m in the talking phase with this one guy and it’s so rocky and emotionally challenging for me. The guy I’m talking is so nice and he even says that he can wait until I’m emotionally on the same page as he is and yet my mind keeps bombarding me with questions such as whether I will ever be able to love him like the way he loves me despite me being the one who started everything. I just want to back out quickly the moment he starts to show me his affection and I feel so ashamed of it. And yet there’s still a little bit of hope in me that tells me to keep moving forward because I truly want our relationship to work.
girl I’m in the same situation i had to left him cuz i didn’t want to hurt him with my confusing feelings it was so hard but now no contact for a week I cant stop crying like I need him but I’m scared to comeback to him
love love love this. thank you so much 😭
Getting attached to closely to someone could result in becoming sad when that person isn't talking to u or isn't around, plus usually they would end up learning more about you which means u are vulnerable to them and at some point they could use whatever they know about u against u
It's like revealing plan of strategic fortifications to others. It would be used to storm this fortifications successful and capture strategic point(s) of your personality defences. I recommend you to reinforce them by listening to songs like "Wehrmacht" it helps a lot
I read to give space so i did but not sure if that was best advice. What if you genuinely care for Avoidant. Seems like a no win😞
My partner has this style, and did this to me, i hope this isnt often..
@@VexDeePhilosophs read up on it. Push.pull dynamic. They run due to past trauma. Understanding it helps but not for the faint of heart!
Dang I think this way
Me: has every sign
Also me: this is fine.
100%
Fr😭
oh my god thank you for this. someone was talking about how lithromantics often have this attachment style. i didnt think i did but had to look it up and wow. it makes so much sense. i wasnt neglected or anything but i 100% do a lot of this stuff
having a negligent/abusive narcissistic mother was *INCREDIBLY* detrimental to my socialization - I literally just had an epiphany yesterday, realizing that the reason why I’m so drawn to isolation is because I’m scared that everyone I interact with is going to treat me like my mom - which is not true - healing is a process that I am wholly worthy of, however I am more than likely going to have to move out/cut off my relatives WAY sooner than I thought, just to escape the toxicity and finally feel comfortable healing and forming healthy attachments 👩🏿
Hard truth: Most issues in adulthood stem from your childhood upbringing by caregivers.
You see, the problem is, I don't remember ever being neglected as a child.
Somehow I feel like I've always had this attachment style. I always felt too scared and uncomfortable to open up to carers, but for the life of me, I can't remember why.
@@gabrielam.7681 I was reading an article about this a while back, because I'm avoidant but I didn't recall experiencing trauma or neglect in my childhood either.
Apparently it's fairly common with avoidant types to subconsciously gloss over (or avoid! ha) the most negative aspects of their childhood, so they view their upbringing as fine or idyllic. When asked to talk about their happiest childhood memories, they draw a blank or can't be specific about happy times (i.e. they're very general). Annoyingly, I fit this type of person. I thought it was all fine until talking to a friend about one small thing and it became a therapy session! That's when I realised that actually when you add up the tiny things it can become something much bigger but you didn't notice it during the experience. So the question for yourself is: what are your happiest childhood memories? I hope you come up with something vivid! 😁
Just to clarify: I'm not asking you to respond, simply trying to give a little food for thought 🙂
This is why I believe some ppl shouldn’t have kids
I don't remember being specifically neglected in a way but i was always a very sensitive child aswell as a trouble maker up to middle school. I found myself hearing teachers, kindergarden adults and my parents talking behind my back. they never said anything that wwasn't true either which only made me feel worse. I think that developed to a trauma over time.
@@gabrielam.7681 repressed memories or you could have been gaslighted as well. Therapy can help you!
It feels like Psych2Go is spying on me since childhood.
Roundandround true
All of them. I have two friends it took me great deal to even utter this to them or to tell them the real me. It was a fierce struggle. It took all of my strength to get past it and to say - I trust you even.
This is so me. Whenever I start getting closer to someone, whether in a romantic way or in a friendship, at first everything is fine bc it's shallow...but the more the relationship progresses and I can't keep it superficial anymore, the more I retreat back and at some point just completely shut the other person out. So I never have any deeper connections with people, even though I really want it.
I feel you 💛
Stop doing that. You have to think of the other person in mind. Think about how you hurt them unintentionally. I suggest you get help and try to get better than ghosting people and possibly hurting them.
@@2minutes58 wow she's not doing it deliberately you sound bitter sometimes you don't know why your doing maybe this video helped her see I know it did me and think of the pain of breaking your own heart all your life 😪
same here. i had a long distance relationship, and it was fine because it was online and stuff, super shallow, and then he started talking about moving to where i live. its easy to say that the relationship ended not too long after that because he said i grew too distant. well, no fucking kidding.
@@2minutes58Bruh we fucking know it hurts people but guess what, guilt tripping people for coping mechanisms they already feel guilty about and don’t fully control isn’t helpful! Literally at all! If ‘it hurts people so stop’ was enough for us to magically undo all of our most deeply entrenched patterns of behavior and base form of emotional attachment we would have done that a long time ago and we wouldn’t be talking about this right now