The Four Attachment Styles of Love
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- Опубліковано 8 лип 2018
- The Four Attachment Styles are: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. The attachment theory is a psychological model that attempts to describe the dynamics of long-term and short-term interpersonal relationships between humans. Our relationship styles is believed to be developed very early on in life, largely influenced by the relationships we have with our parents and sometimes peers. In this video, we hope you learn about the basic four attachment styles and share with us yours!
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Psych2Go great video as always, keep it up
Psych2Go how about types of crush?
Hey Dark, that's a great idea! Let us add that to our topic list tomorrow. @Clayton thanks!
Psych2Go is it😕 nice 😎
Psych2Go excuse me ma'am humans donot need anyone, and any attachment ....they can live all by themselves ...as I am living...the only person that really matters in YOUR life is YOU.......all the relationship and love is secondary😊😊😊😊
"they can struggle from insecurities, low self-esteem and establishing a strong sense of self because they grew up without healthy boundaries and little to no guidance on nurturing their individuality" okay this hit close to home
Same
Hạo Thiên Kim sane
Felt that
Me too, you're not alone
Meet your brother
I predict that nobody with secure attachment styles are watching these videos.
Evangelion I just think it’s interesting
Ha, fair tho
I hope you'd be pleasantly surprised
that's me actually while my bf was a dismissive-avoidant, we recently broke up and I was just curious to watch some videos and find out more about love/attachment styles
Some of us like to learn lol
Y’all cannot just drop a Bombay telling me that I am anxious- preoccupied and not tell me how I can fix it!
fax
Bomb
Thats right... This was disappointed
Dead ass
Watching this is a good start. Research emotional deposits.
:Describes anxious-preoccupied: Oh, that's me.
:Describes dismissive-avoidant: Oh, no, that's me.
:Describes fearful-avoidant being a combination of both: Oh, shit....
omg same
LITERALLY WHAT I WANTED TO COMMENT.
I feel you. :'(
Thank goodness I am not the only one.
Same.
Team anxious-preoccupied reporting in. ^^
Heere
yeah thats me
Winand Callebaut yep that’s me too!
Hi! 😊
yep
Anyone Else here who can also relate to FEARFUL AVOIDANT?
I think there are many of us.. who are yet to admit to this.
Yes, I'm definitely relating to the fearful avoidant hhh
Oh yeah that's me
IamAndrey Mbao 🙋
Meeeeeeee
I'm Dismissive Avoidant. I actually care, but also I fear about caring, and that translates to shutting it down for me. I'm sorry.
Ugh same.
Nuclear Effect
I’m the exact same way... I hate it and I have no idea how to fix it
It feels unnatural to show how I really feel then I feel bad about not opening up more so like just as you said I just shut down too
It’s annoying man 🤣🤣
Nuclear Effect me too. Not really sure how to fix it though...
Same here guys. I always get distant when problems come up and dive into something to take my mind off of the issue at hand. Do you guys do the same or am i alone here
@@drew_on_drums That's exactly what I do. Rather than try to confront the problem. That's why I'm now living in the basement and just discovered I'm a "dismissive-avoidant" type (which was a revelation in itself). Knowing the issue, maybe I can learn more about it and see what I can do about it.
Jesus Christ I’ll just stay single
I know right
Cloud same
Lmao, me.
Nice me too
Avoidant ?
I'm definitely a fearful avoidant person. I struggle a lot with it in all types of relationships, especially when it comes to friends. Generally I just feel like I have no idea how to appropriately act in certain situations. However, I'm dating someone who's very secure with her emotions, and although it was hard for both of us to deal with my distance and confusion in reaction to her needing emotional support, i have now managed to change in many ways and become a much better emotional support system. I just want people to know it's possible to change, although it helps a lot to have someone who's secure with themselves and are patient enough to explain and work with your emotions.
Thank god you learned better ways now, now you can be an ideal.
May i ask what steps u too to improve? I just found out im also fearful avoidant
I can relate with you.
I wish I could of done the same back then..but i couldnt, I had to keep my distance from her😔
This❤️
1:39 Secure Attachment
2:55 Anxious Preoccupied
3:43 Dismissive Avoidant
4:36 Fearful Avoidant
I'm the mixture of 100% anxious and 70-80% fearful.
Sameee
From the age of 16 to now 28 I have swung from Anxious to Dismissive to now Fearful. I WANT TO BE SECURE FFS lol
Me tooooooo😭
Being dismissive is tough... I mess up a lot of friendships bc of this..
Sameee
Team fearful-avoidant! I want a mans in my life but the moment they come I’m absolutely terrified 🙃
How to make u open up
You don't have to feel different! Just stop hiding and tell your man, whats up so you can build up from where you are!
It will only hurt chu the first time.
Me too. I'm almost 30 and I'm not able of being in a relationship.
Here!
I used to be dismissive avoidant but now I’m secure☺️
How'd you get over it?
Drop some tips for us mere strugglers here 😅
hooooow
omg i went from anxious to secure, took me about 2 years but i got there😅
I'm trying that too.
I'm all like "nice, I'm secure" then by the end of the video I'm like "damn I identify with all of them a little bit"
Same! I don't feel I neatly fit into any of these categories entirely.
Then it's even a better sign that you trully are the secure type. It's all about the balance, which you have
Haha this is how I felt
Same. They all are real in me too. Labels labels.. who needs them. We all have a bit of everything
Same here, except I identify with all of them a lot lol. It's really circumstantial for me...
Literally screamed out loud at the description of Anxious-Preoccupied. I grew up with a parent who was kind of a narcissist and didn’t even think about the way their needs were always centered. It was never about recognizing or working with the child. If they didn’t want to do something, go somewhere, or if I didn’t do or like something that fit their vision of what I “should” be, that was that. End of story. I didn’t have a guide to understanding myself, my emotions, and my wants and desires, and in fact, in my teen years, I felt something like a therapist to that parent.
As a child the highest praise I ever got from adults was how “well behaved” and “quiet” I was. This was because I was so scared to do or say something that would challenge this parent and make them angry. They yelled quite often and parented from a place of intimidation. I still act with shock when parents engage their child’s feelings and help them verbalize what’s happening. As a result I learned a sense of “goodness” from self diminishment. As a teen that led to me acting out in quiet forms of rebellion. I suddenly came into so much anger. Anger I still grapple with because of how long I lived, kind of in the shadow, neglecting my self and my own needs. I just didn’t know how to do that, especially not in an emotionally mature way. I grew up feeling like no one really cared about what was happening to me.
In relationships, this plays out primarily in a really big struggle to speak up when my feelings are hurt or I feel “off”. It’s especially difficult when I feel something “off” with my partner. I lived so long learning to base my actions according to the moods of a parent, that I am still learning how to live by and for myself. And that it’s my job to draw boundaries based in my needs and not to feel guilty for that. Often, what I’ve done instead, is neglect my need, neglect initiating a conversation with my partner, and worry about “what next, what next, what next?” That leads to anxiety, resentment, and that anger that kills any relationship from the inside out.
Sheesh. This was long. But your video has helped me process quite a lot. I have hope for the future because I see younger people grappling with the ways in which the grief and trauma of parenting goes from generation to generation and binds families in cycles of rejection and misunderstanding. We are all trying our best to move through this life gracefully and compassionately despite all the pain, grief, and suffering.
This is so similar to my experience!!! I recently found out I have anxious attachment style which has helped me realize so many things about myself, but especially that I’m not to blame. It’s both a relief, but also the start to a harrowing journey to better myself
I left my medical College life due to anxious preoccupied attachment style that led me to extreme fears of abandonment, separation from my familiar environment,my mother, caregiver and fear of living in a hostile,new, unfamiliar place like hostel which is far away from my home.
I seriously needed my Avoidant parents (especially my mother) to get me,and calm me down emotionally,i cried a hell lot, screamed from insomnia,fear of death arised when I met with an fire accident in my hostel within a month of shifting.
My Narcissistic father ,all cared for his pride and society recognition, verbally, emotionally, physically, psychologically abused me not at that time but all through my childhood days.
Now at 23 years of my age,I am completely shattered to have it discovered,that all my problems weren't something that i did because of my incapacity and inability,but it was sum of my whole childhood trauma, judgemental rigid negative society, relatives, environment.
I am currently in my second year of my psychology hons programme but now trying to heal all of traumas and reconstruct my life by letting die my old self.
I read until the end.relate.thank you for sharing ❤
Already skipping the secured part because I already that doesn’t apply to me at all
Love your profile picture 😂 Also same
same
Wow I'm the anxious preoccupied and my boyfriend is the dismissive avoidant and it's caused a great deal of problems for us but in due time, with recognizing our unhealthy behaviors we have been able to began to work on overcome out problems! So for anyone in the comments that feels it's impossible, anything can be worked on
Send him this video. Maybe he's not aware
I'm anxious preoccupied and my ex girlfriend is dismissive avoidant. This caused many miscommunications and misunderstanding between the two of us. She got to the point where she didn't want to try and figure things out anymore and left me.
As a AP we always attract DA men. It's sad.
Exactly going through this
@@kongvang5359 The same happened to me and my ex boyfriend for 4 years.. He just stopped trying to solve our problems and blamed me for everything in the last months..
Fearful-Avoidant moving into Secure. A LOT of pain and I still have some conflict within. But I recognize this is FEAR. I feel it and face it anyways.
Hope you're doing well a year later
Good for you!!!
I want to be vulnerable and have intimacy but I also fear that if they know me too much then they will hate me or know how to hurt me. I’ve never had any friends or relationships my whole life so the thought of having one is just terrifying even though I badly want one. It’s my dream to have a wife and kids. I think that makes me fearful-avoidant.
Yesss same, I've never had strong lasting relationships, friends and people around me have either always left or I've had to move away...
"I also fear that if they know me too much... they will know how to hurt me"
Yup, I relate to this so much, and the worst part is this sometimes turns out to be the case :'(
I resonate with fearful avoidant , I failed in all my relationship. I don't have a single friend from high school and am the black sheep of the family. I am happily married to my partner for 2 years and this marriage has been a great way for me to heal and reprogram from my inner family structures and social programing that had conditioned me to make me feel like I was destined to die alone as I craved love but felt so unlovable I would reject it with deep fear of not being good enough.
We are all capable of healing ourselves and breaking free from negative behavioral patterns if we are willing to put in the work .
Love and blessings
I’m so attached to ppl sometimes it’s toxic af
same im like extremely clingy to people and then i get scared im too close
aaaaaaaaaa
Same
@@peppermint5117 omg same
@@user-bv5sq9dy7w and i have huge problems with like now im too distant to people causei m afraid and i want hugs and aaaa
@@peppermint5117 exactly and you’ll start wondering if they feel the same way, or if it’s unrequited love 🥺 cause all you want is them
I may be the only one who feels this way but i don't prefer this type of video style. I'm not sure why but it seemed too dramatic and I couldn't focus on what was being explained. I much rather like previous videos that had points written on the screen followed by simple drawings, and a soft calming voice. I am in no way trying to be judgemental in a disrespectful manner, as I am very thankful for all of the videos this channel makes. I simply wanted to share my opinion 💕
You make sense, just needs little bit more concentration
Yeah. Plus they were cute. This seems soo so...so....CHESSY!!!
I feel it’s like the music making me mad
I liked the old art style better and the voice was better too. :/
I understand the art style but imagine yourself as one of these attachment styles and how they characterize your classification in this negative cartoon it’s dramatic and overdone and can be off putting to the people that actually needs emotional help.
I’m a mixture between the second one and the last one....I’m afraid to get close to people and I can be very clingy at the same time....
Ooooh me too!
Being clingy can lead to feeling anxious when your partner isn't around...right. I remember the days....
LPS Sam
That's me as well
Leah Spangler u wanna be friends?
Same i rate so much especially the last one! Ive even been in abusive relationships who knew it can relate to relationships from our back ground. I wish i knew how to overcome this.
Great video! Want to add something we've learned in our research: We have observed four insecure styles + secure, so a total of five. The one missing here is Anxious-Adaptive. This style is so vigilant about others that they become lost to themselves in favor of being whatever they perceive others want them to be. Similar to Anxious-Preoccupied, they are self-forgetting, but where they differ is in what they attend to most. In Anxious-preoccupied, they tend to focus on risk and over-analyze relationships. In Anxious-Adaptive, they tend to focus on reading clues and signals from others and morphing into what they want, losing themselves in the process. This becomes overwhelming in a way too, because they lose touch with their own needs and desires and constantly strive to gain approval from and be special to others.
Terrified of relationships in general b/c of being raised to "fear" the opposite gender and actually having traumatic experiences squaaaaad.
That sounds horrible. Why would you be raised to fear 50% of the population?
Good christian mom (tm) = "no, you can't play with only boys, you are a girl. You have to have another girl or adult over if you have a boy around."
I'm fine if another person is around. I just can't do guys alone, hence no relationships. Yay for panic attacks.
@@hannahy.1129 That really sucks. Do you need therapy for it? Or is it something you just have to work on?
@@Izzmonster not actually sure? Never been to therapy before cuz it's easier and bothers less people if I handle things myself logically
As the son of a father who developed (and really did his best to instill in me) a LOT of misogynistic ideals as the result of his own upbringing, relationships, divorce, undone trauma...
I mean, all right, if you asked me directly, I would tell you (and believe it!) that I was 100% NOT misogynistic and had no negative feelings or thoughts about women which just automatically crop up when they really don't need TO be... but I'd be lying. When you spend the first few years of life around a healthy marriage, then your first waking memories are literal chaos, violence, and your parents telling you that the other is evil, one of them on the merits of her sex alone, it's tricky to undo that shit even three decades later. It sucks, because I don't want to be this hateful of a person, but unlike my dad (still drinking his issues away) I understand why I'm like this and am trying every goddamn day to undo it.
I understand, OP, even if we're on opposite ends of the chromosome spectrum!
The way you described #2 made it feel like you knew me personally lol
Lol so true
lol
Same. I feel like this video changed my perspective completely on myself.
Same. How do you evolve to a healthier relationship style?...
reeeluigi I wanna see a video specifically about this sort of attachment because I suffer from this greatly
I'm whatever attachment style you want me to be, baby! **weird slurping noise**
Ur gay
@@Mii.2.0 llmao ok
😂😂
I laughed but IDK why 😂
Straight face gang
1:35 *True Start of the list.*
Thanks
Where tf were you when I needed this 2min ago!?Someone pin this comment 🤦🏽♀️
Ive never felt more exposed than when “fearful-avoidant” was read out and it wasn’t even someone directly analysing me in particular like woAH
I enjoy psychology, and sometimes end up analyzing myself and my actions.
OMG ME TOO
These kinds of videos are so interesting
Glad you like it! Do you have a topic request?
Psych2Go I enjoy the ones on mental health, so maybe a video on eating disorders?
Psych2Go hello, can you do a video on maladaptive daydreaming? I would really appreciate it :)
so true
Dismissive Avoidant for sure. I feel like I've been unloving and unloved so long I've basically evolved beyond requiring it. Humans may 'need' attachment to survive, but I've basically endured without it.
Stay single and don’t hurt other people
@@ForzaTerra89 That's what I've been doing. I decided I'm bored with this plan, however, so I sought therapy instead.
wow...me too
Go to a vipassana retreat. You might need multiple attempts. But it should greatly help you nurture empathy, compassion and self love
i feel like this too
I’m secure until I get ghosted for no reason, then I get anxious and want to cut them off to avoid any further emotional pain.
Ugh same here!
@@krissyboomb00m this happens way too often nowadays, people’s communication needs repair
@@essentialoilsme I 100% agree. Even if I don't get ghosted, I've noticed a lot of people tend to become hot and cold with their communication. They'll read your messages, and take unusual amounts of time to respond- if they even respond lol. In most cases I accept that they're not my "people" (just acquaintances maybe), but when it's someone you were really getting along with, it can be frustrating and slightly confusing
I’m exactly the same, I’m always secure until I feel disrespected or disloyalty.
I ghost people because I'm afraid of attachment. I feel they're better off without me & I would just bring chaos to their life. So I slip out and disappear with no explanation whatsoever.
I'm Dismissive-Avoidance, I have the tendency to cut off any of my emotions and create barriers to keep myself from getting hurt. My BF seems to fall into the second category as he constantly clings to me and throws tantrums or sulks if I don't give him attention or call. Doesn't help that I'm an Introvert and he is an Extrovert, so sometimes even over the phone it feels like he's sucking up what energy I can muster for myself.
I FELT THIS OMG
I’m also extremely emotionally unavailable and that doesn’t help at all
I feel the same way but my gf is the second one. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to meet her needs but she'll...just...keep...talking.
This comment just summarised my previous relationship XD
well, I'm a fearful-avoidant one...I've no girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter!
Are you in love with em?
Elsa from Frozen has an avoidant attachment style (like me), while Anna has an anxious attachment style.
It was great idea to mention at the beginning, that attachment style is not fixed through whole life and it can change, it was really calming. And also I like those animations!! Great content, you have my like!
Wow. Avoident/dismissive hit me exactly.
I never heard my feelings in words like that.
And my partner is the anxious one.
We're almost at our 2 year mark.
Honestly idk why she stays with me because i can be so cold for no reason. She deserves somebody who is capable of showing more love.
probably not confident that they can find anyone else. Or at least thats how i was
yet now that you know maybe you can change things, i hope the best for both of you, you seem like a good self-aware person
She’s trying to “save” you as mentioned in the video
If she's anything like me, she probably had an ex who was fearful avoidant and decided she wanted some consistency even if it's imperfect (she at least knows what she's facing on a day to day basis).
Those types of styles are often attracted to one another.
I love how these videos are completely honest, and force the watcher to ask very deep personal questions about themselves
the anxious-preoccupied drawn character is so cute ♡
i think iv'e gotten a much better idea on how i can work on myself to become better after watching this video!
I have a fearful avoidant attachment style for sure! this was actually really helpful and its making me realize a lot about myself
I feel as if Im fearful avoidant due to my parents. Having my mom leave me when I was a kid, then living with with a verbally and physically abusive father and step mom till mid highschool when I ran away. I crave attention and intamicy but reject and isolate myself often as well. Lack of parents aka emotional support takes a toll
I've always heard about the anxious type and the avoidant type, and felt that I was some combination of those two. This video actually recognized that there are people like me out there. I can get clingy and jealous, but also can cut off my emotions and cut off relationships very easily too. It's like my brain can never decide what it wants, so I end up accidentally playing games in relationships and being hot and cold all the time. It would be so much easier to just be able to connect with someone and grow a strong and equally beneficial relationship, but my inner thoughts and anxieties mess it up.
My ex is avoidant and I am anxious leading to end of our relationship
You’re not alone. 🙏
i’m definitely anxious preoccupied, but it’s weird bc although some ppl in the comments talked about abuse and problems in childhood, i’d actually say i had a pretty good early childhood and still have nice family relationships, never been abused or hit and i 100% know that my family loves me. my school and general environment has also been rly good at nurturing individuality, so i don’t really know why i have this attachment style. it’s only been the case for 1 person though, specifically someone from a past relationship in which i was extremely jealous and insecure in, and now that it’s been 1.5 years since the breakup we’re friends again but my attachment says that part of me still thinks of her as more.
not the best situation, and it might be harder to work through this without her by my side (she was very secure when we were dating) and i don’t know if i can even tell her about this for i feel like she cares about me less now (or maybe that’s just my perception) but I think my anxiety is already showing up a lot here so yup that’s all
this probably came as a problem from another life
Generally the cause of anxious preoccupied attachment style as i understand it is some kind of perceived abandonment from your childhood or feeling chronically rejected and excluded when you want to be able to soothe through others. People with anxious preoccupied attachment style had peaceful and loving enough relationships with caretakers that they associate others with safety, but there was some kind of unpredictable element or feeling of lack. Like maybe one caretaker worked too much, or they were just too busy when they were around you. Maybe they were loving when they're there but were overprotective making you fear being alone or they were loving when they're there and just not around at too many times when you really needed them.
I love that this information is just sitting here for free. We really have to take advantage of the knowledge we have access of.
Edit: I definitely struggle with the dismissive-avoidant trait. But I'm 21 so I'm just choosing to work on myself and heal before I try to become truly connected with someone.
noice where my Anxious/Preoccupied peeps at? yee-yee am I right? Now how do I fix it is the question.
BioBoosted I'm asking myself too
I’m feeling the same dude:/😭
Tell me about it! It’s exhausting 😣
That's me, I wake up every morning with a lingering feeling of dread over me just because my bf has a life and I don't
Try psychotherapy.
I'm a psychology major and a friend of mine received her Masters degree a few years ago. We were discussing my current relationship and after she asked me a few questions, she said it sounds like fearful avoidance. I looked it up and i was floored because it pretty much nailed what I was feeling, and apparently what I do often. But the good thing is once you know then you fix it, so I immediately rerouted my thinking. And honestly it got rid of a lot of anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed, so I'm consciously making an effort to be mindful of my thinking and how I am responding to situations that I pretty much created myself. Very insightful information.
What are some of the ways you worked past it? What behaviors did you eliminate?
You both wasted your money
@@hweinheimer18 a lot of inner child healing. First realizing how these issues developed from childhood, and then, seeing how those patterns were playing out in my adult life. There was some forgiving of myself and my parents, some accountability and understanding of how I consciously or unconsciously chose partners who helped to perpetuate situations that fostered this attachment style. And then I let go of judgment, judgment of self, and others, without allowing peoples actions to speak for themselves.
Attachment style: "The Jedi are forbidden from forming attachments"
sounds like a dismissive avoidant
I just wanted to say to all of you that watch this - a thing that really is helping me and my inner-work - that is to care, see, love and foster your inner-child. The child that did not get seen or cared for properly in your childhood - the child that is still lost and pulling strings in your adult life. One of my biggest lessons is to be my own parent, foster myself and my inner child to become more healthy. And maybe it seems weird to talk to yourself as if you have an inner-child but if we have made it to step 1 - knowing our attachmentstyle - we most likely see our patterns but dont know how to cope with them. And all of your patterns is mostly the work of your own inner child being sad, scared, anxious etc. Embrace your child and nuture it, give it endless with love and understanding when it comes to all the patterns you have and how you treat yourself and others in any relationships. You and your inner-child is worthy of love and understanding and when its not us recieving it in our early age, we have a responsibility to see ourselves and to hold our selves. Wall of text, Im sorry, but inner-child work has really helped me and I hope it can help you to.
The anxious typ is so relatable.
JosiThePotato Ikr
my jaw dropped when i heard about the anxious-preoccupied style - every detail was spot on, even the stuff about the childhood experiences. thanks for helping me understand more about myself!
jojo goat same! I just had a major breakthrough 😱
SAMEEEE
I thought the same thing
Sameeeee. After every line I was like wait that's me that's me that's me😂
Same here!! Lol
I love you guys and your videos. These make my day and honestly my favorite channel that I have subscribed to in a while
I just learned that I have Avoidant tendencies and in my most recent I was the Anxious and my partner was a Avoidant. I was secure then was left by a person I loved dearly and became Anxious. Thank you for this information!
I am so donating to this. Y'all videos help realize a lot about myself. Ive become a huge advocate in self development. Thank you for making these videos!
fearful-avoidant
Psych2Goers > Jake Paulers
Edit: wow that's a lotta *damage*
Yes, I agree
I agree
I agree ☝️
How are you even gonna compare the two😂
Yes
i am going to reach that secure attachment style and do the work to get there. i definitely have a preoccupied anxious mindset when i comes to all of my relationships, romantic or not. i’m so glad i found this video
Always struggled with an anxious attachment style - the feeling of being unworthy and abandoned due to experiencing abuse in the past. But lately I've come to learn a lot of things and it actually feels quite liberating not needing to have a favourite person in my life to give it meaning.
I'm early, but I enjoy watching these videos. It makes me feel better knowing I'm sick
Kastra your not alone
I was an Anxious-Preoccupied trying to work things out with a Dismissive-Avoidant
Of course it didn't work
It's exhausting
Can feel you...
Same! and then wonder who was toxic one 😄
yes :(
"Daniel I'd love to live with you, some day in the future but I don't love you any more, and if we tried anything now it would end up just as horrible as it was last week."
That's literally what I got as a break up line.
@@kodan7879 bruh!!
I am proud to say that, mine from being
Anxious preoccupied to fearful avoidant to dismissive avoidant to now secure. I like this video! 👍🏻
How??
Brigs me back to psych lectures I loved these modules at uni. I would say your attachment style with your primary care giver or lack of one will have a large affect on your love attachment style.
I am extremely lucky to have grown up with a healthy positive secure attachment with both parents which now I realise as an adult Is actually really rare. Firstly as my parents showed me how to be through example as children copy. They were always themselves they showed emotions they communicated they didn’t believe that they always knew everything, they apologised to me if they were wrong and loved me unconditionally and were super fun.
Growing up seeing that I could not except anything less in my own relationship but what I also learnt was that security attachments also have their fights their periods of not understanding each other and all other problems. It’s a constant choice and effort to maintain a secure attachment. And if one person is having a moment you take on the support role don’t take their moment of sadness/ anger away.
Anyone can change their attachment style to secure but you have to look at your whole life and do it alone caus sometimes things that seem insignificant to others would have really impacted you. Secure attachment lacks dependency.
I have observed attachment styles to also sometimes be generational so once you have evaluated your own it would be interesting to talk to your parents and grandparents. Sometimes 1st borns in a family have a diff attachment to the 2nd borns etc. So if you’re the eldest but your mums the youngest maybe talk to her eldest sibling.
It’s so interesting and just talking about it will lead to more secure bonds.
Healing is generational you choose what you take forward and what you leave behind.
I used to be a mixture of the last three, when i was first dating my current gf. I was broken from my childhood and i became dependent on them. I shut out my feelings a lot and really the person i was dating was more of my fantasy than an actual reality. Then we broke up for several months, i grew as a person, became more stable and self aware. Then we got back together. Now, i still have longering feelings from my past types of affection, but I'm mostly secure. We are in a happy relationship where we, sometimes hesitantly, allow each other to help us carry our burdens :)
That's really beautiful, way to go
I'm 2, but forever alone. Dead inside
I am probably #2 and #3 at the same time. Lol.
Same... it makes me so sad as i don't know to grow out of it
im probaly 2, 3, and 4 my dudes
I feel like a mixture of 2 or 4. Unsure though
EnterTheMatr1x1337 same TwT
How cute to have your anxious bubby send you, a secure type, a video they finally listened to with everything they didn't listen to you talk to them about all along.
Thank you, uploader.
I love these videos and your channel. A real breakthrough learning about myself that I am a vacillator and have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Really hoping I can remember these learnings, be proactive and navigate better rather than repeat the same mistakes again due to these tendencies. Much love.
"Extreme independence is an illusion because humans need connection in order to survive."
I hear this everywhere but I don't understand it at all. Once I hit my 30's I encountered the slump where it's very difficult to maintain old friendships and develop new ones. It stressed me out, but when I'd contemplate on that stress, I realized it was because I was worried about being labeled a "friendless loser" or something of the like. In all the soul-searching, I never felt like I was putting in the work to maintain increasingly difficult connections because I wanted it for me or that it did something for me, but because I was trying to fit a societal expectation. So I stopped putting in the loads of effort, trading that time and energy expenditure on doing things I enjoyed on my own. The relationships died off as expected, and I haven't seen anyone I used to know in over 4 years... and I couldn't be happier!
So back to the original question, what exactly does it mean to say "connection is required to survive"?--Obviously not talking the extreme "cabin in the woods" scenario. Seems like a lack of connections is more liberating than it is harmful, especially to a "dismissive-avoidant" type like myself. If anything, it separates you from the people who try to make you feel bad because "humans are social animals so you're not doing the human thing correctly" XD
You are probably also introverted so that works. Extroverts would struggle with that. The best thing in life to live for you.
Exactly what I thought when she said that. It’s bs you don’t “need it to survive” you need food water and oxygen to survive
Maybe you are asocial
What you are failing to realize is that you are finding connection in other ways that are not obvious to you. Perhaps through interactions on the internet. You do not exist in a vacuum. You as a human are hard-wired for connection like everyone else. The point of attachment is that you can find connections through many different means, but ultimately what will give you the strongest connection and most fulfillment is to have a secure relationship with someone in your life (not necessarily a romantic partner). It took me quite a bit of therapy to understand this.
You guys said Patreon right this time
:D
I'm anxious type! I was in a relationship with someone avoidant that fueled my anxiousness and insecurity so much. However, now I'm in a relationship with someone of a similar attachment style and it feels way healthier and secure
xo_kryptoknight are you both the same? I just left a relationship like that and feel like my love life is doomed
@@ForzaTerra89 what do you mean by are we both the same? In my current relationship I feel that we both have anxious attachment styles and we both reassure each other a lot because that's what we both like to hear. That made me feel a lot less anxious over time, I feel very secure now. Not sure if this answered the question but not all hope is lost! You always find someone when you least expect it ☺
xo_kryptoknight yeah, are you on the same page? I felt very intensely for my previous partner and he blew hot and cold a lot and I could never relax. I feel like if he was into it as much as I was then I probably would have relaxed a lot more, but I could see be wasnt. Good to hear there’s maybe someone else who has overcome this
@@ForzaTerra89 my ex was avoidant and he was always hot and cold as well. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells and it just made me even more anxious. I got out of that relationship because even though I tried to explain my point of view and what I needed to feel secure, he didn't want to adjust or find common grounds. With my current one, we reassure each other a lot and don't really have a need to be anxious.
xo_kryptoknight that’s great, I think that’s the sort of connection I need too. I relate to the stepping on eggshells thing big time, Thank you
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughtful ideas
Reading all the comments here, it feels good to be secure, but I'm also bummed that nobody's said they are so far.
Definitely used to be anxious-preoccupied, then turned into a fearful-avoidant, but now after breaking up from my first, almost 3-year relationship I can confidently say that I've turned into a secure. I seek someone who can be all-out with me, and do the same for them. Honestly, it just feels good to know you can be a pillar to someone who also wants to be a pillar to you.
To the people who want to undergo the change that I have - just know that my only advice to you is experience new things, peer into yourself, do a lot of soul-searching and meditation, and grow. If you can't handle things yourself, seek help. I didn't, I handled it on my own (of course, with the help of people close to me and people who taught me lessons either by being my heroes or my villains), but there's no shame in seeking help, I don't think.
As for a step-by-step "How to fix yourself" guide with detailed explanations on what to eat and how to walk to be happy, STOP LOOKING FOR ONE. It doesn't work and never will. You're the only one who can change you. Nobody can tell you how to get to a treasure when only you know the layout of an island.
Don't give up, jump in the direction that smells like satisfaction, and grow. Be who you want to be, that's the only way to change, and the only motivation you need. Or at least, the only motivation I needed. It doesn't have to apply for everyone. ^~^
Good luck, you wonderful people!
I'm *EXACTLY* the anxious one and lol, having my first partner be a dismissive avoidant has made me even more insecure, dangit 😂
I want to get to know you, how can we get în touch?
I couldn't relate more
I sat with all of them 4 attachment styles of love - they taught me plenty for my own emotional self-growth, which I am very grateful for. They have helped to get to know myself to be able to cultivate the love relationship that gives me the emotional and physical balance/peace I need.
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Im actually surprised. While I definitely have symptoms of the anxious attachment style (and some of fearful-avoidant), I identify most with the secure attachment style. I’ve made changes after my relationships over the years with how I approach people and relationships in general, and I feel like at this point I have a clear understanding of my own needs and my limits, and how to communicate that openly, honestly, and in a healthy way. I still struggle with being anxious sometimes, but I’m able to identify irrational thoughts that are rooted in insecurity, and then focus on only what I know to be facts, and stop overthinking about the rest. This has helped me prevent my insecurities and anxiety from dominating my life and controlling my decisions. This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings and not addressing them, but it means giving them less power and processing them in a healthier, more rational way. I’m no poster boy for mental health, but change is real and it is possible folks. All it takes is a desire to improve and small but consistent steps. It can feel slow and insignificant, but eventually you look back and realize how much distance you’ve put between where you are now and where you were when you started taking those small steps.
this is real education that needs to be taught in school.
not old school ideas regulated by the government!!
I'm definitely a dismissive-avoidment type. I see vulnerability as weakness and hate displaying weakness.
I rather be this than anxious, the world is nasty
Definitely fearful-avoidant! I look forward to finding a partner, but the first time I felt physical attraction to someone (heart racing, stomach butterflies, etc) I became really freaked and overwhelmed for days until I was able to talk it over with my dad 😅
the way the anxious-preoccupied type is drawn is spot on. bc i relate so hard.
My wife's boyfriend was acting distant, so I sent him this video and now their relationship is stronger than ever! I wish I was her now.
your wife... has a boyfriend... and you wish you were your wife...? 🤔
@@weneedmoreconsideratepeopl4006 That's what I was wondering...
What?
@C Fah how r/wooosh this is not even a joke,
You mean you don't feel like a man?
I’m an anxious attachment and my spouse is an avoidant. The relationship is on the rock as you may expect. However, we have been together for 18 yrs and genuinely love each other. I pray for growth and communication so we can save our relationship.
Lotta Hope I am in a similar situation. God will help us! Amém
no disrespect but it takes action for things to change, active intentions change communication
I feel like I related to all of the styles. But for the relationship I'm currently in, it's a strong tie between secure and anxious-preoccupied. I'll have my anxious-preoccupied moments but I end up being able to talk through the clingyness with my partner. We communicate and end up finding a way to balance what I need vs what is healthy.
That last one represents my behaviour. Thanks for the vid!
Amazing video as always
Thanks! Glad you love this!
Dismissive-avoidant right here. Only had one relationship and it's been 11 years since; luckily, I could identify my distant thoughts early in the relationship before they became behaviors, and I ended it before hurting my then boyfriend (he was sad that we broke up of course but we broke up before I could start neglecting him, his needs, and his feelings) and I think that's why we have been able to remain friends. Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and know when to remove yourself from a situation before you hurt someone.
Everything in the anxious/preoccupied style described me *perfectly*, literally. And I only have a crush, not even a single relationship I‘ve been in my entire life.
Nobody:
People that relate to all 4 depending on the other person's style: Uhh...
Machiavellian dark triad personality, it's not necessarily evil
Yeah, that could honestly be the anxious type. I probably identify w that type and often will try and adjust anyone’s personality
Why does she have mustache bangs
Oh you know.
why don't you
But we’re not talking about Princess Daisy 💀
Why are you so shallow that you are referring to physical features, on a psychology video?
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS SO MUCH
This video series is as good as ever.
i think i've been fearful avoidant in past relationships but i've evolved into a more secure style with my current partner as i've been processing my childhood trauma & i'm really happy about that 🥰
It sucks cause my boyfriend is dismissive-avoidant 100% but I’m anxious-preoccupied. Like I’m so clingy and need intimacy to not freak out but he doesn’t like giving it. What advise does anyone have about this because when I do try to talk he doesn’t seem to want to fix the issue cause he doesn’t feel like there is one. But I wouldn’t ever leave him so that’s out of the question.
Karissa Bly im in the same situation as you.
Same- my fearful avoidant broke up s me 10 months ago. I was anxious and scared him away. We talk and hang out now but he’s built walls around his heart and is afraid to let me in now. He won’t trust or believe. He says he’s incapable. Not sure if I should completely go no contact and pray he returns or keep seeing him a couple times a month and texting to build trust and showcase my growth? Tough
@@sshuteandrew I'm dismissive avoidant, I wouldn't change myself for anyone, and trying to change others only ends up with you getting hurt.
I guess you try to see it like he does theres no problem. Try to see his mentality if he thinks theres no problem well then you know theres no problem on his side at the very least.
Liam Eller yes, I know only he can change himself. Maybe I’m a fool for thinking we can go back the way our relationship used to be, only better w out my anxiety, but so far he’s paralyzed in this fearful state of mistrust m. For now I’m just taking it day by day and keeping the faith.
Thx for making this video
Thanks for this great video. It was illuminating over my own kind of attachment.
I'm secure. Right off the bat. My hub is anxious preoccupied. This is helpful.
Ok so I was thinking..with the more unhealthy attachment styles (which around half of people might have), things like watching this video, learning about psychology/related subjects or having therapy, I think helps your awareness and therefore makes you *more* secure and healthy, like maybe it’s more of a scale than of categories, which is true of many psychological theories.
Those who have mental health issues or trauma are probably *more likely* to have the latter three styles, but as I say, I fall into this category and therapy helps. I think I would fit into dismissive-avoidant because I have experience avoiding pain and pushing things down or away so it doesn’t hurt as much. And I’ve learned to be independent. But I also relate to the secure attachment!
I also can relate a bit to anxious-preoccupied because I like to romanticise love and ‘dream’ and fantasise about relationships, but maybe that could be said of anyone. I also relate to the thing about ‘saving’ and wanting fantasy relationships more than real ones, but I don’t think I’m clingy or demanding. The last one, fearful avoidant, I could also relate to.
I would say depending on your and potential partners attachment style, realise you may have to take relationships slowly, and that’s natural. That’s what I’ve realised, and it’s sometimes hard to do, when I *immediately* want close company but my body or mind puts up defences making it take more time to be able to get close or intimate, but it’s what I need, as it says in the video, to an extent, we are all social animals. Some people take things faster, maybe they’re more secure, so it’s about compromise, and finding a middle ground between stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks, and also being comfortable and in a safe space. I’m still, and always, trying to figure it out for myself. This video is still encouraging in becoming self aware.
But I still think it’s hard to ‘neatly’ fit your characteristics in relationships into one attachment style. I relate to all four...
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more
Baby don't hurt me..
No more...
Toshi Ezarik A chemical reaction produced in the brain.
I WANNA KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW WHAT IS LOVE
thank you for relating anxious attachment to childhood, very helpfuo
Well this just put things into a much clearer perspective damn
My friend ist dismissive avoidant, I am fearful avoidant
nachtigall ziggy how does that work for you? I'm in a similar relationship
With.... doubt...? And many questions. And hope you don't push them away; but aren't too clingy? And it doesnt help you have to initiate most stuff. How it is for me I guess.
Great video!
I used to have anxious preoccupied but now I have a secure attachment style with a boyfriend who also has the same attachment style!! It took me a while to get here but I’m so happy I’m here now
very powerful information. thank you for sharing.