Great video. I’m avoidant and married an anxiously attached spouse. We have helped each other grow so much and are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Keep working on it with the ones you love folks!
how did u know u were improving. im considering ending my relo with my avoidant partner because hes showing to be a pathological liar and i just dont know how to trust him. we've tried everything and im noticing still he gives lipservice. he got suddenly intense tonight and switched on me trying to gaslight me about something that happened and then later admitted to lying about something im not okay with that he had told me he also wasnt ok with but hes doing it because 'hes bored and its an outlet'. there many other thing ik that hes lying about too. idk where this could possibly work
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
THEY NEED TO HEAL. They need to want it for themselves and seek out healing. If you love someone who is avoidant that's great, they are not bad people at their core but they are not worth being with unless THEY want to do everything it takes to heal and change. It's not your job to help them, lead them, hear them, free therapist them, It's your job to help yourself! They dont want to change to save the relationship that they have with you, they dont even care about their disfunction they have with themselves. If they don't want to change, just say no to them. Dont get caught up in their "comfortable" game of cat and mouse. Also aim at being securely attached in yourself first.
Thank you! Thank you a million times for this comment. Spot on! I will never be with an avoidant again. It is a special place in hell and they are completely oblivious to their partners pain and worth.
This is a very beautiful comment, no bashing, but straight truth. They need to heal. It might take awhile, but if they really want it, they will do the work. Great comment:
@@theartofcute217 yes because they don’t yet realise how they are and what makes them this way. After some heartaches and failed relationships slowly they will start to become aware/conscious of things and perhaps this will trigger their desire to change and heal. The sad thing is knowing they might heal for someone else and just wasn’t ready with you. Wrong timings :( wrong timing is quite sad, knowing there were feelings but you were in different levels and stages in life.
@@trinityp8575 it's like building a house for someone else to live in after you did all the hard work. Better to save your time. Stop chasing people that don't want you.
I communicated my needs but there was always a wishywashy answer. Avoidant partners make the other person insecure. That’s it. I was confident, and secure, he loved bombed me and when I was in love and showed my feelings he began to play hot and cold. And than he broke up because I told him what I needed. One argument and it’s over. Never again. So hurtful. This controlling and playing games.
I think deep down they assume everyone has an ulterior motive and plays games so they don’t want to let their guard down. If you are accommodating (as one might be in a relationship) they could see that as evidence that you are the manipulative one. It can be so exhausting!
@@el0blaino I was always honest and clear. I never said anything I didn’t mean. Now I think he said something he thought I would like to hear, but always just empty promises.
@@kingaberlakovich5585 In my case, I got a lot of "saying something she thought I would like to hear". On my side, I was honest and clear, but sometimes I honestly and clearly was being flexible - my partner said they had interest x, so I said, OK I can roll with that. I think that flexibility and accommodation could be misinterpreted by a suspicious partner as me "just changing myself to get something." When really I was thinking, I'm in a relationship, I'm going to change and grow, I am happy to try x or y.
yeahhhh its true especially when I was avoidant at the start of my previous relationship too^ after 5 years of my first relationship I started to be normal^ this guy is second one^ cause I was avoidant too I can understand him^ BUT this emotional press unbelievable for me
Well crap im none of thise things now. Im a stay at home mum deoendant on him and my confidence was shattered by him and he encouraged me to lose my independance so he could control me. And i dont have emotional strength with all the crap he puts me through
both can be just as disruptive, and both need to be healed in therapy. but it’s true that with a secure partner, anxious attachment patterns heal easier in response to genuine love and affection, as opposed to the self-sufficient avoidant’s.
Are you sure? I tested secure and I think it is also a preference and lifestyle question. I play competition level sport (since I was 14). Any time I dated an axious, they went crazy. They took it personally if I had a match on a weekend and only spent 1 day with them instead of 2. (Not even every weekend, 1 day on every 3rd-4th weekend). I also dont train every day, I am always home before 7 and happy to spend the rest of the time cuddling or anything, but it is not enough. I had more successful relationships with avoidants, because they did not push me to give up something I love and they also got some time for themselves to recharge. I can easily give time if someone asks and just paint a bit or do something. I prefer spending time together, but I can understand someone's need for space. I got an avoidant secure before, but I never managed on an axious. I am not giving up my hobby and I cant stand the guilt trip about it. I say I have a match, I see on their face they are disappointed, so I offer we do something fun on the other day, but it is just not enough. I got accused of cheating (never did that), not giving them priority, not caring while I gave them every freetime and slept at their place together on 5-6 days every week.
I was married to an avoidant who left me after 8 years of marriage because I was being too dramatic for wanting his attention and love. He ended up having an affair with his father’s hospice care worker….talk about being dramatic! They deserve each other! I’ve now learned about my attachment style and on the road to being a healthier person.
Sounds like your too needy for a DA (even most securely attached can be too needy so pls don't take offence) Avoidants often have trouble with conflict so many will act out in order to force the other partner to end it or otherwise give excuse. In a messed up way it's to avoid hurting feelings. You can say he had an affair he's a -beep- now rather than second guessing yourself thinking I'm too needy or neurotic, he's already taken care of his own feelings so it's not about making himself feel good or narcissistic feedback or whatever other bs ppl like to put on Dismissive s. Talking general here take with pinch of salt
If you can’t be yourself in relationship and you feel unsafe or uneasy, leave that relationship. There’s someone else out there for you. It’s not even about your partner at this point in your relationship. It’s about you and why you don’t feel that there is a better person out there for you. Hope this helps. Love you.
Love this. ❤ As an FA, I attract DAs and never knew why. I always thought they didn’t like me. Then I found Attachment theory and realized my trauma and their trauma resulted in the lacking relationship. Communication is key. It’s really hard to learn to communicate when my life was filled with traumatic and toxic situations. Ugh but it is my responsibility to heal myself, first and foremost.
I completely relate to what you are saying. I'm in a relationship with a DA now, and what you say is true, communication is key. Best of luck to you on your healing journey, and may you become securely attached.
Yes communication is the key, however my person didn’t like open communication, at least on topics that he didn’t feel comfortable to be open about but are crucial for a healthy relationship.
@@jac1161 wife of 11 years refuses to talk to me about important issues because she thinks I get too emotional because when I address things she doesn't open up or push back. Every time I even attempt to calmly address an issue, she cries and makes me feel like the bad guy. Dude, no joke, RUN from avoidants. They are covert narcissists.
Marrying an avoidant...as an anxious attachment person myself....was the worst thing i could have ever done to myself.....i tried and tried and tried and i always felt like it was never enough. I lost myself completely trying to make things work. Im finally free from that traumatic experience and i feel so much more at peace now.
I knew I was a gift to him, but had to do an honest assessment of what I was gifted with. There wasn't enough nourishment for me enough for me to stay. Was not reciprocal in value enough.
My experience is exactly the same; you have to give so much of yourself and your energy to these types of people. Even something like having to watch a video on yt to better understand why your partner keeps hurting you and putting themselves before you, says so much about these individuals. They would never do that, or really anything else, to change and stop hurting their relationship. There's 0% reciprocation and it's never worth it. Like an avoidant dismissive is more important to an anxious avoidant than they feel they are, a dismissive avoidant is more important to themselves than the anxious avoidant partner is. That's always going to ruin one person in that dynamic.
I made the mistake of falling for an avoidant man who was IMO leading me on. I gave too much, too soon, and he totally changed. It hurts a lot, but I’m teaching myself to walk away from situationships that hurt more than they help.
@@babys8640 yes they come on strong and then later show their true character and go into horrible hot and cold cycle which can be very destabilising and can create a lot of mental and emotional suffering for the healthier person. Confusion.
They can be wonderful, beautiful and downright great people. You can see the pain of their history, the effort they put in and admire their survival instinct. Remember to always meet them where they are at and not where you want them to be. Don't try to save, show you care and they are welcome and if they take off let it go.
They must also meet the other person where they are. Relationship is co-creation. There has to be a limit to understanding things -- this is how people start to accept horrible behavior in relationships. It's very easy to get into a codependent relationship with avoidants, especially DAs, because it's a struggle for them to get out of their fantasy and show up in real life. It usually ends up being a relationship of just one person doing everything (giver and taker) and walking on eggshells. This video is wonderful, because it invites you to be authentic and they need to deal with it. There is no healthy relationship without conflict -- no more silencing! I can't understand or accept someone doing s*it, not being able to apologize and still getting angry when you say the obvious about avoidant behavior: it hurts people. And they still go weeks without talking to you, because don't know how to make amends. Everyone is responsible for what they feel, but our behaviors in a relationship do affect people. And we need to be responsible on our part. And yes, APs create problems too. Big ones.
I appreciated this comment a lot. I quickly learned to not go to the comments as much on these types of videos bc they’re filled with vitriol. As a FA dominant slightly DA person dealing with solid DA the comments started to make me feel pessimistic 😢 If you come across a DA who is actually a good person but just struggling mentally, I think they are worth the effort; but I think a lot of ppl get so wrapped up in the idea of being in love and thus feeding their own ego by making someone change themselves solely to reciprocate their love that they can’t see that. “Show you care and if they take off let it go” my sentiments exactly. ❤❤❤
The most painful thing is loving a dismissive avoidant man. I adore him love him with heart mind & soul. But he gives no emotion & never express anything. I can’t even tell if he likes me. Very sad & confusing I have tried for a long time to let him know what he means to me & it doesn’t matter. He has my heart but it’s been abandoned so he wins I will let him to be by himself.
I once loved a dismissive avoidant girl in my class but because she act confusing, manilulative, so reserved, ghosting and lots of other stuff, I moved on and don't want to see her ever again. I am fine by myself now.
Run girl RUN!! If you want a reaction or to know if he cares about you. Disappear and don’t answer him. AT ALL. You will see what he thinks/feels. If he realizes that you are gone he will play and not react and go on with his life or he will try reaching you. BUT YOU DO NOT CARE… find someone better.. make it a mission. He is wasting your good years of life. It’s cruel.
I definitely have this. Every relationship I've ever accidently fallen into... immediately becomes a mental game in my head called, "How the hell am I going to get myself out of this!?"
It's okay to not be perfect, and still be in a relationship. I think the key is willingness to work on your own issues, and hopefully your partner is doing the same. You are lovable, even with your flaws!
@@bcrwarlock1974No, they were right. You owe it to your future partners to get your shit worked out first so you don’t screw them over with your baggage.
@@chelsey241 The answer is somewhere in between. People do need to sort their issues in between relationships, but if you find yourself in one, you do the best you can at the moment. You can’t always have the most ideal situation; if you want your current relationship to work out, you might have to build the boat as you sail it. Assuming it's not just, like, a terrible relationship, of course. In my case I feel like there’s stuff in my personal life I need personal space to work on at my own pace without a partner’s needs and expectations factoring in, so I’m relieved to be single at the moment.
i told him that I am holding back a lot of my emotions because I’m afraid to overwhelm him and cause him to feel smothered. it’s interesting to know that I should let all those emotions flow.
I do and did let my emotions flow and he told me I was mentally unwell. I got angry because he was breaking up with me for the fourth time. I told him exactly how I felt and that was his was doing was cruel mind you I was in another country visiting him. This just happened last week. All he did was insult me. Be very careful. I will never let him back to into my life again. The only reason I did give it another try was because he had me convinced I was to blame for everything well I’ve seen who he is and I can’t unsee it nor do I want anything to do with him. You deserve better and so do I.
Avoidant people aren't realistic. People need people, period point blank. Can you imagine how difficult it is to navigate the world with chronic illness? You will need people. Being in a relationship with an avoidant is literally traumatising. We are all going to get old or at some point possibly be ill in some way. Avoidant people come across as severely selfish and narcissistic. In a partnership or relationship you have shared needs, there is no running away from that. If caring for someone bothers you, don't be in a relationship.
It’s unfortunate how much pressure they put on their partners for their insatiable desires. I don’t understand how they get that way. Unable to communicate their needs expecting their partner to read their mind. It’s exhausting and sad
@Karll541 It's because "the self" is not aware of it's self. It's the contempt in body language that tells you what they truly feel. The body never lies.
@@livclaireschmaltz5703 so how do they improve this awareness? Trying to talk to them or point it out just seems to trigger their defenses. I would hope that they want to put in the effort of changing. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines but would prefer not to
I feel that I’m avoidant attachment and I’m gonna lay out my emotions raw right here. 1. Wow she’s lovely and amazing in every way. I will show her physically and emotionally the best things ever! -- Ok it’s been like three days of nonstop contact, time for her to leave now. I need my space. I’ll do other stuff and text her in two days time. I know she’s fine and she loves me so that’s enough for me. I’m secure. 2. Feeling energized again! Yo! Those plans we made, let’s finally do it. Yea right now! It’ll be great! ….yea that was a great time. ---ok I’m not sure how to really keep the ball rolling here and I’m a little nervous. Somehow I felt as if I came on too strong this time I’ll just go do my thing for awhile. Maybe a full day is enough alone time? I can easily go 3 days no contact though. I mean I showed her all this love and she knows I’ll come back again. I know she loves me so we’re good.. 3. She’s sick?!? I must do everything in power to make sure she gets better and identify what’s wrong with her. Come up with a solution to fix this. I’ll stay with her until she’s good. -- ok she’s good. I’m kinda exhausted I’ll just be doing my own thing for awhile. And that’s basically how I am in a nutshell. I want nothing more than to experience that human connection and intimacy, and I’m very good at flirting, but I’m scared of pursuing relationships because once I get in them, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care about her or just string her along. And that is NOT TRUE. It’s not!
This guy cut me off without saying one word, before he cut me off at the same day we even talked with each other three hours😅😅those three hours I was trying to find a way to explaining my behaviors, I don’t remember too much details now, I don’t know if he is avoidant one
@nedupratt7075 Oh yea? Go ahead and enlighten me. If you and i were together, how would you be? If I communicate to you "Hey I wanna just be alone tomorrow", how would you react? How much attention do you need?
@@AceKite00 I have a man whom I love .. we have talked about space. When we finally get together.. N he needs space.. it doesn’t bother ME.. I am not clingy.. If we are enjoying things together.. that’s different.. … We have talked about everything That we like to do.. As of late .. not really Much communication.. Why ?? Not sure.. I do not want to change him .. God changes people not Me.. But he has so much talent He loves goals n we plan on sitting down.. N planning our goals.. Anyway.. I am sure That there is a spark Between US n we Enjoy talking about it.. Sorry that I jumped right in here I guess I am trying to figure things out… ✌️☮️✨
Wow! It's one of the first time I watch a video that explains the emotional process of a avoidant people. I have mostly seen people being vilified. Thanks for bringing another perspective.
Been with a person with avoidant attachment style, but found it boring after a couple of months. No clarity in making plans, confused with their feelings.
haha love this one, i've found out i really am avoidant myself (recovering i would say), and also recently meeting a lot of other avoidants and this hit me :D @@linnie14
And that’s what we fear the most. We fear our partner will just get bored and leave, like we were never worth getting with to begin with. That if we don’t constantly come up with things to do, then it’s time to just leave us for someone more entertaining. And that perpetuates our behaviors and trauma even moreso.
@@SK-no2pp Yea. Lately I’ve gotten more comfortable with all this lately. I feel I’ve gotten abit better with this lately. I realize it just takes the right person.
I just discovered this channel a few days ago - this was the first video, and then binged a truckload of them. I am genuinely heartened by the way she consistently talks about every flavor of personality in a way that respects their dignity. EVERYONE is talked about objectively and without a value judgment. Nobody is victimized nor villainized. It's all about how we got here and how we grow forwards. For that, I'm grateful. I skew to the avoidant side of things, and I feel understood here. I also have a much better understanding of everyone else too. I wonder how much the other commenters are actually listening to the video. Seems like half the people here are just looking for a punching bag. They don't WANT avoidant people to heal, because then they lose their scapegoat. That makes me sad. Don't make me sad please. :(
I agree with you. I often wonder if they receiving what she said in the video which is excellent. I am disorganized attachment according to this video. I have exhibited anxious, avoidant and still work to be secure although I can be triggered and revert to insecure. It’s fascinating to learn this stuff because it makes me hopeful that I will finally have a successful relationship in the near future and take the approach more wholeheartedly that it is me and not you. That maybe my attachment style makes you crazy or vice versus. I was running through two scenarios while she was talking which help me understand who I was avoidant with one partner and anxious with another. My anxious partner I was avoidant and my avoidant partner I was anxious. This self discovery is wild and the woman is incredible. ❤
@@KeiyaHood For whatever it's worth from some rando dude on the internet - I'm optimistic for you too :) just being able to talk about this stuff clearly and openly means so much. The framework is already there for us to listen and learn from. For me, I really find that I have the tools to communicate with anybody at this point, regardless of their attachment style. My personal struggle, as someone who's still a mile deep in the avoidant style, is that I just do it veeerrrry slowly. That rubs some (most) people the wrong way, and that's okay. (as I spend 30 minutes proofreading this comment lol) Would you be willing to talk more about what it's like to have a shift in style based on who you're relating to? I'd be curious to hear more about this from a personal perspective, if you're game to talk about it more :)
Just leave by the first red flag or weird gut feeling. Cant stop toxic people to be attracted to you, they love kind people. Just set the rules high so you leave at once. And dont tell or give your heart in the beginning.
@@BezzantSam Nah, that's not a good indicator. I know so many avoidants who are in a relationship or marriage because their partner does all the emotional work or carries the burden.
Always a silver lining. These type of people can end up making you stronger if you start focusing on yourself and instead of being bitter towards them just love from a distance and pray for them. Keep yo energy/vibrations intact.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
36 years here ... I have changed so much - My happy go lucky spark has been replaced with depression, fear and negativity - The person I thought I would be with forever is now a person I don't know and I no longer have myself either
I think everyone can experience all attachment styles. Different people and relationships bring out the various attachment styles. No one is locked into a certain style. The goal is do your work on yourself and to find someone who brings out secure attachment and not settle for anything less.
By far, the best anxious avoidant video I've seen. My partner (avoidant) and I (anxious) have been dealing with this. I met her in October best thing that ever happened to me. We both instantly were so into each other. In love talking about marriage first date. Then 4 months in I experienced her avoidant side. Every went crazy. We were both so lost. Learned so much about this. And this video is exactly us in every way! The way she puts this is so beautiful!! Understanding and working together on this is very hard but so rewarding. Thanks for the amazing video. I subscribed and will be watching learning and making our way through this new life challenge.
I fell in love with a woman that suffers from cptsd. We were at the same school and I would say that we liked each other. I invited her to some coffee, we shared some things about each other and so on. One day she said to me that she wants to become a lawyer so I bought her a book about the criminal code, so that she could study a bit and do something that she enjoys. A class mate of ours later on that day said that she was happy about the present. One time she invited me to a walk and she said that she has some sympathy for me. I invited her to a coffee and cake on the same day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed every second of it! On the 19th of December I invited her to my apartment because we made some christmas presents for our teachers. She kept me waiting 3-4 hours tho, because one of her closest friends was not doing well according to her. I believed her. We kept things distant and respect each others space so nothing sexual happened but we enjoyed the time together nontheless. She stayed just one hour. At the end of the day I gave her a hug and said goodbye to each other. She said that she wanted to meet me again but since then we did not have any contact. Its been two months since then. She keeps watching my whatsapp status at times but no contact at all. I like her so much and I noticed that I want to become a better version of myself as soon as I spent time with her. I adore her intelligence, her kindness, her laughter, her way of talking, her voice... I miss her so badly... I am very sad about the fact that we do not have any contact anymore and do not know what to do... Any advice?
@@EminDemiri-le6gq Wow, reading this reminded me a little of my own story. You know, nothing solves problems like talking. So approaching would probably be the best idea. Not dm's, direct approaching. If I'm right and this girl is similar to one I've been dealing with, she is very scared, and that fear may make her do something stupid, but if you are serious about her, you should talk, make the first move. You are likely someone that needs a lot of care, as you are attracted to her sensitivity, but she needs to feel safe with you, that she can rely on you, and even then she could be scared. It might be a long process and requires her to open up, but if you're serious about her I'll tell you that showing that you want to continue this relationship will help her in the long run, even if you two fail. If you won't speak to each other, all that will be left is regret, on both sides.
@@EminDemiri-le6gqshe probably thought you wanted a hook up and so wasn't sure to go over to your place and is trying to keep it kosher. Also, what are you studying? Hopefully you both are equally ambitious, bc usually women don't like to be the main provider 😅 don't like that masculine feeling it could give.. or maybe she changed her mind about Law and feels embarassed? Just ask. It's already a no. What could hurt if you ask?
Gosh I’m currently going through the same. My partner was an anxious too, now is an avoidant. She’s thrown away a whole relationship because of miscommunication.
@@tamzsha4776 I’m sorry you are going through this. In my situation there were a series of issues between us that turned my partner into an avoidant. I tried to save the relationship but he had checked out. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I never want to experience again. I hope you are doing ok.
I am thankful to be divorced and not experience this anymore. I got married in 2008 when no one was really speaking about this… but I appreciate how your work may bless others in their life goals to feel loved, safe and secure. #modernfairytale for so many of us.
Don't confuse the intimacy of sex with a real bond. If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world and you have to make all the bids for genuine connection, you're probably dealing with an avoidant. Oh and they can't do conflict, but they will do punitive to maintain their hyperindependence. Don't do it to yourself. The stress will drain you.
If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world then it's not the time to analyze why, it's time to choose to leave. Seriously. Who cares if they're avoidant or whatever. If they're not interested in you but still hang around for some reason, you're signing up for pain by staying.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it must be a difficult time. However, I would gently caution the impulse to "avoid all avoidants" I released a short on this topic this week. I would recommend reading the comment I posted underneath it. ua-cam.com/users/shorts7UKeTbYLfYA?feature=share
Ironic no that the confidence they see as so appealing in a partner, is very quickly destroyed by them due to their inconsistency, lack of transparency and lack of self awareness about their own disfunction. As soon as you're aware they're dismissive avoidant, give them what they want and leave them alone - the low key abuse will harm your brain, shatter your self esteem and make a mockery of the whole concept of a relationship 💀
Good point. The anxiously attached must learn very quickly how to self-sooth and to maintain that strength to keep the relationship going. In the end it becomes difficult. Eventually the anxiously attached (if they have self worth) realise they are not getting what they put in and seek affection elsewhere.
Thank you for all the info. I recently heard about attachment styles through my partners best friend. I'm an anxious type and she's avoidant and i can say there's so many things i was doing over the years that created an immerse pressure to her. The hardest thing for me was when she was slowly pulling away i was chasing her and by understanding everything you say on your videos that's a no go. I reassure her that its okay to need her space and her time to process things and that i don't feel neglected when it happens. That somehow shows confidence and emotional strength. I also assure her that I'm here for anything she wants to talk about or just hang, in order to create a safe space for her. Doing all the above while im trying to become self sufficient especially on things that trigger her life be bad with finances and schedules, I came to a realization that my anxious type came from a childhood trauma i never faced or healed from and that affected me on daily basis with me and the people around me. I started going to therapy to heal my inner child and become a better version of me and becoming a better partner.. Again Thank you for all the information! P.s any extra tips are welcomed :)
What a wonderful video! Thank you so much... I'm dating a woman who has avoidant attachment issues. I never knew how to deal with this, so this video is extremely helpful. She is a wonderful person, but after a year and a half she is just barely opening up to me. I'm so thankful for people like you putting valuable information like this out here for us to learn and grow from!
Non consistent love made me obsessed and bring so much anxiety into my life. I became really emotionally volatile. She broke up with me 3 times during 2 years. I wanted to show her love and compassion but ultimately it wrecked me.
Please also reflect on your attachment style whether it is anxious or secure. Avoidant types be it male or female are repulsed by neediness, clinginess anything that appears could disrupt their own independence. ( I am speaking for my self). It will not matter how nice you are. The better question to ask is what do they find attractive and what are their life goals. Talk about their childhood and ask how it made them feel. Avoidants have a hard time with “feelings” and may only express them in moments of trauma like a birth or a death. Things literally life changing. Now there are some other videos on UA-cam that further breakdown the cycles avoidants go through do to no contact. It’s all so interesting. Good luck with your dating life. ❤
@@KeiyaHood oh believe me I reflect about my attachment so much, got much more insight and will to do the work. I feel like I have lean anxious in that dynamic, but feel like even being secure seems needy for a avoidant person, especially when they deactivate. On the long run I just feel disconnected and sad and that just make things worse. Expressing need to talk things and resolve stuff just repulse avoidant. Everything should be easy and smooth for them, otherwise they pull away
I’m sorry but the expressive emotions of an anxiously attached person will only repulse the avoidant. It’s not the greatest gift you can give an avoidant.
@@alexajackson8227 accountability right here 💝 I was the anxious attached. His avoidance of his drinking behaviour brought me to this place of warped and sick behaviour myself. Begging, pleading, fighting. When I left it was no different for a while. I was in ribbons. We were BOTH unhealthy. I mean, if a guy begged me and pleaded with me etc, I would be repulsed too. However, Im soo F happy again after 2 years of agonising shadow work, I a happy and in a new space in my head. He is still falling up the road every night. Just happy he's not faling home to mine. 💝🙏 stupidty is not empathy. I was stupid and it is what it is. I learned alot. These people need to take responsibility for their own part in the toxic relationship.
Great breakdown. One of the clearest demonstrated understandings of the anxious avoidant dynamic and really enjoyed the shadow presence addition. Thank you!
The last person i dated was definitely avoidant. We made it past conflict resolution so it ended upnwith both us resenting each other . He always dismissed my feelings about things that hurt me. It was just a no for me. I tend to go between anxious and secure attachment within myself. So im not attracted to him emotionally anymore bevause i want someone who is more open, emotionally safe and intelligent, and validating
This is VERY interesting and one of the best videos I’ve watched so far about avoidant partners. I always thought my man was avoidant but not I realized I also have avoidant tendencies even though I’m tested as secure. I’ve been badly hurt in the part which made me sensitive to any form of perceived rejection.. my avoidant partner told me he’s attracted to me because: “you’re confident, independent, have your own life and are complete” just like you said! We have great chemistry but tend to spend too much time apart happily in our own live which causes gaps and it becomes difficult to come back. Currently we’re long distance so hopefully things get better when we start living together. He’s gotten MUCH better at expressing his feelings and I’m subtly helping him state his needs. We communicate a lot and it’s obvious he had neglectful parents (so did I). I’m super affectionate with him which helped him open up a bit. I’m struggling a lot with my own attachment issues but hopefully we can grow together and get through this. Wish me luck! And thank you for this video 😊
He kept saying he wants to be there for me and take care of me and then when I wanted to discuss next steps he pushed me away so fast and started to withdraw. He was spending a lot of time with me before.
Thank you so much🙏🏽 been in a situationship with an avoidant for almost two years...recently saw a glimpse of what he was holding back from me so im trying to buikd the courage to finallt directly tell him how I feel so we can finally communicate about the possibility of a relationship. What struck me the most from this video is the fact that I waa showing my intense emotions but significantly dialed them back(which was killing me inside and still is) because my avoidant seemed to not reciprocate that...so i assumed that they didnt want someone who they percieved as too emotional. But now after watching this video i realize that me showing my emotions to him gradually helped him to express himself little by little to me, so im going to try to be brave and express how i fully feel about him and we'll see how this goes!
This was presented perfectly. Everything you talked about including the two whole people coming together, the directness in communication, the autonomy and independence, and the emotional stoicism in the face of life's challenges are the necessary ingredients to have a truly fulfilling life that one can share with another partner. It's just too bad so few want to work toward attaining these things BEFORE they enter a long-term relationship. It also doesn't help that society coddles the people who DON'T want to work on these things, telling them that it's okay as long as their honest about it (God forbid they actually take the next step and CHANGE their behavior). At the end of the day, you need to find someone in the same page. If you're not on the same page when you meet or you're drifting apart after years of being together, it's best to leave the relationship and find someone who is better for you.
I fear closeness. If you want to drive me away, start putting demands on me. Not requests; demands. Also, start lying to me. It would help if you got suspicious and critical towards me. Try to micromanage my behavior: how I look, dress, run my life. Be convinced your ideas are far better than mine. Treat me as if I'm dumb. Don't be interested in my emotions, dismiss them, minimize them, or even better, take my feelings as a personal insult of some sort towards yourself. Tell me you're going to help me with something I'm desperate enough to actually ask for help for (very rare), and then flake on the offered support. Be sure to guilt trip and gaslight me while you're at it. ...I will dash like my butt is on fire..
@@grmpEqweer Please dash to a therapist's office and work on healing your avoidant attachment issues and traumas. If what you describe is true, then you are a mess and need help.
My psychologist friend said that the longer they are in avoidant behaviour the more likely it is that they won't change. It takes a lot of work to unpack the trauma and move on. I totally understand. Too much pain. Feel so sorry for them... 😢
We never knew differently. We may be on the outside looking in. We are 'freaks' sometimes even to ourselves. We may see it as healing and self-preservation. The way that we know how.
Sounds like we are all a reflection of eachothers whole healed true self. We align with those who unintentionally will provide the opportunity to be triggered in order to discover our unconscous unhealed wounds, if we are up for the challenge and we introspect we become more adjusted and closer to true alignment .
I think that's one of the only PRO's of the anxious-avoidant trap. When you come out of it, you hope that you have uncovered some missing link for yourself and you hope the same for your partner.
OMG! I am hearing this at just the perfect time. I'm in a new relationship and I'm loving it. Here's the thing. I'm slightly anxious but learning to do better. She's slightly avoidant but learning to do better. The energy between us is ELECTRIC! And we totally take turns chasing each other. This is such a strange sensation to hear this right now when it is so relevant. I have therapy in a few hours. One more thing to try to process.
@@Mihai93M Update: She told me that she was anxious-attached but I disagreed because she was behaving textbook avoidant. Turns out she is anxious-attached. Brianna has another video describing how when it's two anxious types in a relationship, one can act avoidant. Brianna has another video explaining how your attachment style can appear to change depending on your partner. We are both being careful and trying to take things slowly. We have to make a conscious effort to slow things down because the chemistry between us is powerful. We're both 53 y.o. And both divorced. We are doing well so far. Still very new.
Excellent assessment. I’m the “anxious” female and my EX-boyfriend was the avoidant personality in the relationship, I was promised so many things, even the littlest things, there was NO ACTION. I FEEL like deep down he’s soft marshmallow filled Easter egg, but he sports a very Cool, “No worries”attitude. He CANNOT handle my overthinking, asking too many questions, & I know he’s been alone for so long, he forgot how to be in a relationship…I also have been single 18 years and am ready to find someone..but I don’t think it ls him. Even though I am feeling lonely without him, incomplete & just plain sad.
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
I've noticed something. Avoidants are like cats. Anxious are like dogs. Cats/Avoidants are independent. It might be more difficult to gain their trust. You have to let them come to you. They chose when they're ready for affection. Once they've had enough, they retreat or they'll be overstimulated. Dogs/Anxious require more attention. They follow you around everywhere you go. They have terrible separation anxiety. They think you're gone forever, but you have only left for a little while. Now, you wouldn't ask a cat to be a dog, would you? Of course, not all cats and dogs are the same, but I do notice some behavioral similarities with anxious/avoidants
Why would anyone want to be in an unrequited situation like this? I've tried dating an avoidant off and on for over 8 months and it was horrible (I was living in an emotional HELL). I believe that relationships should not be this complicated. I finally decided to move on/count my losses and I've recently found an amazing woman who has the capacity to openly show, give and receive love in a way that's more than acceptable for me.
This is my opinion- we are all seeking validation in our relationships. When our significant other does not respond to us in a way that we want it will cause a lot of conflict. I am feeling like the dismissive avoidant comes across as cold and stubborn. When in actuality it’s just a coping mechanism from childhood trauma. Of course everything is not going to be black and white and it is not fair to put the burden of our happiness upon our partners. If you are going to love someone just do that- love them and decide if that person is right for you. I think these types of challenges help us grow and help us do better in relationships especially when these things are not their fault.
@@KeiyaHoodthe coping mechanism IS the stubborn and cold dismissive behavior, and if they are unwilling to change what has been made conscious to them, then they are quite literally toxic to themselves and others.
I understand this feeling of this pain. I have been in a relationships with a narcissist person and avoidant person. It’s so confusing they have the capacity of showing love but it’s inconsistent or fake
Very interesting & insightful. However, I just want to say that my ex-husband was sensitive, but not to the feelings of others near as much as he was to his own feelings. He felt sorry for himself and pouted a lot, but rarely had empathy for anyone else. He was selfish in many ways.
I'm just so in shock about this video that I had to subscribe to your channel. Being an fearful avoidant myself I got say: it's not easy at all. Thank you for this amazing video
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
In essence they expect a perfect partner but they themselves will be the most difficult emotionally distant, unreliable partner you can ever hope for. No thanks!
No. They hope for compassion and understanding and grace and protect themselves from people who would say things as you did here. :) They are wanting to "avoid" conflict..
@@hrdxcorewell said, they are often misunderstood. If the anxious also tried to worked in their own issues and emotions, I think it could work out. Avoidants can actually be the best of friends and lovers, they just need to be understood and accepted.
We all suffer from some degree of weirdness. I avoid because I can’t draw a boundary without hurting someone. “Normal” people talk to much and over share their lives. Some “normal” ppl don’t realize they are doing it but most know and use us avoidant folks as “good listeners” so they (normal) person feels better about themselves. We may be rough to understand but at least we are aware. We’re so aware that we’re actually labeled “highly empathetic.” Let that soak in…. We care so much that we try to keep peace by avoiding conflict.
@krook527 Totally agree. After all the betrayals; lies; hidden addictions and my continued patience; kindness; compassion and educating myself; lots of therapy; and he only went because he didn’t want me to leave; I understood It was words; not really action. I continued therapy ; earning my degree while his therapy slowly dwindled. Our therapist cut him loose. After 2 years he wasn’t willing to do the deep hard work. ( My bf was diagnosed with an extreme DA attachment style and he also leans extreme FA. ) Your words ring true for me. They do expect perfection ( they tend to be highly critical of others and high view of themselves) and you try to attain it and they raise the bar. You always need to prove yourself to them. Deep down I believe they don’t actually feel great about themselves as they have a defective core wound and lack self esteem. At first he came across as sad and sullen and meek but at other times he seemed aloof ; grandiose ; extreme confidence. It would switch. I don’t know about mildly avoidant partners; but my experience was extremely painful. Mine had NO problem whatsoever with conflict and would voice his extremely negative and highly critical opinions and constant judgments of others freely. Mainly against those I love. There was no thinking of another; no empathy or compassion towards anyone; even me and the several types of betrayals I found out 5 years in. This man was living a secret life. He couldn’t do the emotional repair of those betrayals . He had 5 years to work through his trauma and FO. He started therapy again when he sensed I was ready to move on again. Then; stopped suddenly after saying his therapist ( a new one) says he’s good. He doesn’t need therapy anymore. I never stopped and I got radical acceptance that he’s not going to do the work despite what he says. While I was mildly anxious; the betrayals were so hard to go through alone ( thankfully I had a therapist). There were several other things that hit me in life around that time and loss of loved ones and some health issues with my kids and the c-19 all happened at once. There was a lot I was having to deal with and I had to give to my children first so this relationship stuff was on the back burner for a while which he was quite happy about. He didn’t have to do much. He never really put in much of the emotional work. Didn’t want to educate himself. Said he already knows it all. Our therapist would send book titles to buy; and links to some very informative podcasts and articles and he rarely watched any. Words didn’t match actions. The extreme negativity and lack of empathy for anyone is a real problem. My therapist said I’m paying the price for his childhood trauma and his past relationships although I see a pattern now and I understand that these women he was with before me must have been real lonely and just gave up and started to meet all their own needs and they eventually left him out. They ended up with two totally different lives. The kicker is he set the tone for the relationship this way after the rubber hit the road. Then he claimed they were selfish because they left him home alone and didn’t include him. Yet he sought so much distance all the time they didn’t want to pressure him. What I see now was he was selfish and never considered them. He found the same type; extremely kind; patient; loving; selfless women that are doers. These women were pretty secure too. The best thing about this relationship is it taught me so much about myself and what I do want. Sometimes we need to know what we don’t want before we know what what we want. I am just still amazed at how he fooled me. He portrayed himself to be the complete opposite. He has been my greatest teacher though and I’m no longer attracted to him. I wish him so much healing; ❤️🩹 and love but he’s got to be the one to choose it. I wish him well.
This was an excellent video. I’ve never heard this perspective - that anxious leaning partners have a gift to give avoidant leaning partners and they should not shy away from that. As someone that leans anxious I’ve always felt like I need to just adjust and give them space which is good for a time but not long term. It certainly prevents connection and promotes mutual hiding. This was so encouraging and practical, and I’m looking forward to watching more of your videos!
When nearly everyone is emotionally fucked up in this world, it's just a matter of whom will hurt whom first and whom will decide to be forgiving and patient so it can work out. But when it gets to the point that forgiveness and patience it's not paying off, it turns out to be a matter of protecting yourself before you become just like them.
Some wonderfully articulate things said about: space needed due to lack of “Equilibrium” ; “Withholding consequence” ; “Emotions a catalyzing gift” . The traits that could be attractive for a variety of reasons get listed as attractive to avoidant partners (i agree that these things are attractive to avoidant types perhaps more clarity around how to distinguish various motives for finding such qualities attractive). 1. Independence 2. Confidence 3. Self -sufficiency: all those qualities are also things that a highly dependent person seeks and a narcissist who is seeking status and on and on and on. The issue is balance and that is where things get so complicated and nuanced. Getting beneath triggers is a great point and part of how this video ends on actionable points.
As a classic DA man with a 17 year marriage experience to an AA woman, her emotional intensity was certainly the gift attracting me to her, but then it would swell into emotional insobriety (see Heidi Preibe YT) and trigger my memories of parental emotional abuse and withdrawal. AAs would do well to accept that there is a limit her DA can tolerate and that it may even be an appropriate boundary being exercised.
Very insightful. I'm an anxious who recently met an avoidant. It didn't work out and this helps me understand why, and how to better manage these situations.
I've discovered in the past year that I am avoidant and have recently begun to suspect that the woman that I am strongly attracted to is also an avoidant. This video gives me hope, as I was thinking I was dealing with a double whammy where both of us are interested in each other but exhibit behaviors where we alternately run away from each other. If I know what the problem is, I have a chance to work to improve the situation.
Yes unfortunately many people mis diagnose or over diagnose because of catchy label. Same goes with narcissism. Suddenly everyone is diagnosed as a narcissist.
@@Questioneverything72 it is overused, but very few narcissist get diagnosed because they do not seek out help. And very few avoidants change or get better.
Agree with this and it happens a lot with women getting used for something like sex or housing when the guy isn’t all that into her, or just holding her as a placeholder until he meets someone he actually cares a lot about.
Narcissists enjoy hurting other people, they are overly preoccupied with themselves and their ego, they act hot and cold, being adoring and in love and then viciously devaluing others. Avoidants, on the other hand, are just really afraid of closeness and intimacy.
Narcissist are rule changers. That’s all you need to know. Attachment style is just explaining why some people look like they are playing games ll the time. I could literally write a book. But she explains so much in the video.
And here is the plot twist to this; these are the very same people who run behind you, say they are Real (that's the big one lol) and looking for that special friend. Meanwhile in the beginning you low key weren't trying to get involve with anyone at that moment. You were contended in your life if only for that time but eventually they awaken something inside of you (an intrigue) You eventually gave time to have a connection and then they sabotage all of it and ran away. Left you holding a bag of emotions, feelings and confusing which you don't know what to do with. Until you get rid of it all. The cycles continue IF you let it. Look for the signs, tap into your spiritual gift strongly and start discerning people and run as fast as you can.
This is actually spiritual too. Thanks for communicating this on a physical level.I experienced this in my life where I was open to to someone but in the fact if I felt a spiritual connection first...I'd open up and then I noticed I was too naturally me and now I keep certain people at bay just because I only want what I give out and he stop opening up and I seen that as a sign of immaturity...love bomb etc anyway I only want to be genuinely me with those that are genuinely them as well but that vibrates with me if that makes sense. It has to be a core within both of us where we are reciprocating each other's energy.
wow, this has been so validating and helpful, way beyond what the title promises. consider changing to something that indicates the surprise you buried here: why behaving according to your emotionally intense nature around an avoidant partner is IMPORTANT for them
I’m glad you like this. I do have a separate video like that: No More Eggshells: Your Feelings Are A Gift To Your Avoidant Partner ua-cam.com/video/B1ykB1Wo71I/v-deo.html
Thank you for the in depth analysis of the avoidant and anxious attachment people. It is always nice to find others that study it in depth and puts it out for others to profit off of so thank you!
Down to the T... And I was told by a friend trying to be sympathetic by saying you feel disrespected I said no I was disrespected. Like feeling abandoned as to be abandoned
As an avoidant, we are not trying to punish our partner, we are trying to stay safe from the emotional vulnerability that comes from being connected. We haven’t been taught how to love. It’s the saddest feeling actually. We want it but don’t have the skillset to accept it.
Great info thx. Having a partner who can't open up or understand emotions is not for me. Too many complex/convoluted personalities here lol. Older I get less likely I will cater to people who havent done emotional work or aren't willing to grow or apologize. Done. Ps people say they like my emotional intensity & strength...none ever do in reality, just gaslight or leave.
I see it returning in the comments, the one thing I wanted to add why I'm very sceptical about this - exhaustion. When you said I even have to adjust my language as I can't say I feel abandoned because it's judgmental for them ( reminding them they did something), I had a big no coming up and that says it all. I'm not or was not securely attached myself and always looking out what you do and say and how is just a horror. But I kept on trying till I could not. It must not be so one-sided and that's the clue here. But I agree with confronting them and not keeping yourself stuck. Great video in many ways, also if we think of those so-called twin flames. For a fearful avoidant which I was more or less, a chaotic wishy-washy or dismissive person is re-traumatizing. Yes, it was a gift, it brought healing for me, but also a realization that I have no more energy to give.
Great video. I’m avoidant and married an anxiously attached spouse. We have helped each other grow so much and are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Keep working on it with the ones you love folks!
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s inspiring.
this comment gives me hope for my relationship.
Same😢 same
You are amazing!
how did u know u were improving. im considering ending my relo with my avoidant partner because hes showing to be a pathological liar and i just dont know how to trust him. we've tried everything and im noticing still he gives lipservice. he got suddenly intense tonight and switched on me trying to gaslight me about something that happened and then later admitted to lying about something im not okay with that he had told me he also wasnt ok with but hes doing it because 'hes bored and its an outlet'. there many other thing ik that hes lying about too. idk where this could possibly work
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
THEY NEED TO HEAL. They need to want it for themselves and seek out healing. If you love someone who is avoidant that's great, they are not bad people at their core but they are not worth being with unless THEY want to do everything it takes to heal and change. It's not your job to help them, lead them, hear them, free therapist them, It's your job to help yourself! They dont want to change to save the relationship that they have with you, they dont even care about their disfunction they have with themselves. If they don't want to change, just say no to them. Dont get caught up in their "comfortable" game of cat and mouse. Also aim at being securely attached in yourself first.
Amen to this comment! ❤
Thank you! Thank you a million times for this comment. Spot on! I will never be with an avoidant again. It is a special place in hell and they are completely oblivious to their partners pain and worth.
This is a very beautiful comment, no bashing, but straight truth. They need to heal. It might take awhile, but if they really want it, they will do the work. Great comment:
@@theartofcute217 yes because they don’t yet realise how they are and what makes them this way. After some heartaches and failed relationships slowly they will start to become aware/conscious of things and perhaps this will trigger their desire to change and heal. The sad thing is knowing they might heal for someone else and just wasn’t ready with you. Wrong timings :( wrong timing is quite sad, knowing there were feelings but you were in different levels and stages in life.
@@trinityp8575 it's like building a house for someone else to live in after you did all the hard work. Better to save your time. Stop chasing people that don't want you.
I communicated my needs but there was always a wishywashy answer. Avoidant partners make the other person insecure. That’s it. I was confident, and secure, he loved bombed me and when I was in love and showed my feelings he began to play hot and cold. And than he broke up because I told him what I needed. One argument and it’s over. Never again. So hurtful. This controlling and playing games.
Sums it up exactly!
I think deep down they assume everyone has an ulterior motive and plays games so they don’t want to let their guard down. If you are accommodating (as one might be in a relationship) they could see that as evidence that you are the manipulative one. It can be so exhausting!
Because if u dont give in to the woman in N argument u lose and if u gives in u lose so its best to give up from the go.
@@el0blaino I was always honest and clear. I never said anything I didn’t mean. Now I think he said something he thought I would like to hear, but always just empty promises.
@@kingaberlakovich5585 In my case, I got a lot of "saying something she thought I would like to hear". On my side, I was honest and clear, but sometimes I honestly and clearly was being flexible - my partner said they had interest x, so I said, OK I can roll with that. I think that flexibility and accommodation could be misinterpreted by a suspicious partner as me "just changing myself to get something." When really I was thinking, I'm in a relationship, I'm going to change and grow, I am happy to try x or y.
I thought I was emotionally strong . . . until I fell in love with an avoidant!
Yep 🎉
Same😢. It’s so exhausting.
Yes they are emotionally cold and do t know how to reciprocate.
That’s why I’m here 🙄🙄
yeahhhh its true especially when I was avoidant at the start of my previous relationship too^ after 5 years of my first relationship I started to be normal^ this guy is second one^ cause I was avoidant too I can understand him^ BUT this emotional press unbelievable for me
1. Independence,
2. Confidence,
3. Self-sufficiency,
4. Directness,
5. Emotional strengh.
Thankyou for doing the Lord's work.
1. Independence
2. Confidence
3. Self-sufficiency
4. Directness (direct communication of needs)
5. Emotional strength
Well crap im none of thise things now. Im a stay at home mum deoendant on him and my confidence was shattered by him and he encouraged me to lose my independance so he could control me. And i dont have emotional strength with all the crap he puts me through
Gone need that emotional strength cause they’re not gone support you 😂
Funny, I came here to find traits to downplay with avoidants but these are the traits I feel I need to survive.
@@justinj.6323omg😮😅😂😂😂
@@treetreetreetreetreetree I think this presenter is not 100% up to speed on this
I'd much rather deal with an anxious partner. With avoidant partners even bringing up how you feel makes them run away
Exactly. 💯
both can be just as disruptive, and both need to be healed in therapy. but it’s true that with a secure partner, anxious attachment patterns heal easier in response to genuine love and affection, as opposed to the self-sufficient avoidant’s.
Then you need to work on self love. Nobody deserves to be disgustingly treated by anyone.
Nah, anxious partners might stalk you
Are you sure? I tested secure and I think it is also a preference and lifestyle question.
I play competition level sport (since I was 14). Any time I dated an axious, they went crazy. They took it personally if I had a match on a weekend and only spent 1 day with them instead of 2. (Not even every weekend, 1 day on every 3rd-4th weekend). I also dont train every day, I am always home before 7 and happy to spend the rest of the time cuddling or anything, but it is not enough.
I had more successful relationships with avoidants, because they did not push me to give up something I love and they also got some time for themselves to recharge. I can easily give time if someone asks and just paint a bit or do something. I prefer spending time together, but I can understand someone's need for space.
I got an avoidant secure before, but I never managed on an axious. I am not giving up my hobby and I cant stand the guilt trip about it. I say I have a match, I see on their face they are disappointed, so I offer we do something fun on the other day, but it is just not enough. I got accused of cheating (never did that), not giving them priority, not caring while I gave them every freetime and slept at their place together on 5-6 days every week.
The best advice is to "let them be " and "let them go"
So accurate for the situation i was in. They tell me they like direct communication and as soon as i speak directly and confront them they 👻
Give me an example of your direct speak.
I was married to an avoidant who left me after 8 years of marriage because I was being too dramatic for wanting his attention and love. He ended up having an affair with his father’s hospice care worker….talk about being dramatic! They deserve each other! I’ve now learned about my attachment style and on the road to being a healthier person.
Sounds like your too needy for a DA (even most securely attached can be too needy so pls don't take offence) Avoidants often have trouble with conflict so many will act out in order to force the other partner to end it or otherwise give excuse. In a messed up way it's to avoid hurting feelings. You can say he had an affair he's a -beep- now rather than second guessing yourself thinking I'm too needy or neurotic, he's already taken care of his own feelings so it's not about making himself feel good or narcissistic feedback or whatever other bs ppl like to put on Dismissive s. Talking general here take with pinch of salt
If you can’t be yourself in relationship and you feel unsafe or uneasy, leave that relationship. There’s someone else out there for you. It’s not even about your partner at this point in your relationship. It’s about you and why you don’t feel that there is a better person out there for you. Hope this helps. Love you.
🎯Love it🎯
@@2minutecarnivore how about if you have been alone for a long time and know that it’s hard to find “someone else”.
Love this. ❤
As an FA, I attract DAs and never knew why. I always thought they didn’t like me. Then I found Attachment theory and realized my trauma and their trauma resulted in the lacking relationship. Communication is key. It’s really hard to learn to communicate when my life was filled with traumatic and toxic situations.
Ugh but it is my responsibility to heal myself, first and foremost.
I completely relate to what you are saying. I'm in a relationship with a DA now, and what you say is true, communication is key.
Best of luck to you on your healing journey, and may you become securely attached.
FA? DA?
@@Hesteforstanddk FA is fearful avoidant, DA is dismissive avoidant.
@@bcrwarlock1974 Thanks ☺️
Yes communication is the key, however my person didn’t like open communication, at least on topics that he didn’t feel comfortable to be open about but are crucial for a healthy relationship.
I feel like falling in love with an avoidant will make you an anxious no matter what...
It does
Oh yes. I was secure. Met my ex, an avoidant. Now I am anxious galore. Yey.
trauma bond 101 - been there ..my whole life, including friends. Roots are childhood.
@@jac1161 wife of 11 years refuses to talk to me about important issues because she thinks I get too emotional because when I address things she doesn't open up or push back. Every time I even attempt to calmly address an issue, she cries and makes me feel like the bad guy.
Dude, no joke, RUN from avoidants. They are covert narcissists.
Not now that I have become aware of the dynamics plus introspection.
Marrying an avoidant...as an anxious attachment person myself....was the worst thing i could have ever done to myself.....i tried and tried and tried and i always felt like it was never enough. I lost myself completely trying to make things work. Im finally free from that traumatic experience and i feel so much more at peace now.
I am currently in this kind of relationship. No matter how hard I try I think it's never enough.
I knew I was a gift to him, but had to do an honest assessment of what I was gifted with. There wasn't enough nourishment for me enough for me to stay. Was not reciprocal in value enough.
Exact same situation Carolyn. I had to not wait for him. Zero effort on his part.
Oh my gosh, took the words right out of my mouth. Constantly feeling emotionally starved after putting in so much effort and tiptoeing.
My experience is exactly the same; you have to give so much of yourself and your energy to these types of people.
Even something like having to watch a video on yt to better understand why your partner keeps hurting you and putting themselves before you, says so much about these individuals. They would never do that, or really anything else, to change and stop hurting their relationship.
There's 0% reciprocation and it's never worth it.
Like an avoidant dismissive is more important to an anxious avoidant than they feel they are, a dismissive avoidant is more important to themselves than the anxious avoidant partner is. That's always going to ruin one person in that dynamic.
I made the mistake of falling for an avoidant man who was IMO leading me on. I gave too much, too soon, and he totally changed. It hurts a lot, but I’m teaching myself to walk away from situationships that hurt more than they help.
modern dating effing sucks.
You are a beautiful person. Hopefully you find someone secure.
I ended up dating an avoidant and it was the worst thing I ever could have done to myself.
same especially bc he was love bombing in the beginning
@@babys8640 yes they come on strong and then later show their true character and go into horrible hot and cold cycle which can be very destabilising and can create a lot of mental and emotional suffering for the healthier person. Confusion.
They can be wonderful, beautiful and downright great people. You can see the pain of their history, the effort they put in and admire their survival instinct. Remember to always meet them where they are at and not where you want them to be. Don't try to save, show you care and they are welcome and if they take off let it go.
They must also meet the other person where they are. Relationship is co-creation. There has to be a limit to understanding things -- this is how people start to accept horrible behavior in relationships. It's very easy to get into a codependent relationship with avoidants, especially DAs, because it's a struggle for them to get out of their fantasy and show up in real life. It usually ends up being a relationship of just one person doing everything (giver and taker) and walking on eggshells.
This video is wonderful, because it invites you to be authentic and they need to deal with it. There is no healthy relationship without conflict -- no more silencing!
I can't understand or accept someone doing s*it, not being able to apologize and still getting angry when you say the obvious about avoidant behavior: it hurts people. And they still go weeks without talking to you, because don't know how to make amends. Everyone is responsible for what they feel, but our behaviors in a relationship do affect people. And we need to be responsible on our part.
And yes, APs create problems too. Big ones.
Mature AP's who have worked though their issues probably less so...
I appreciated this comment a lot. I quickly learned to not go to the comments as much on these types of videos bc they’re filled with vitriol. As a FA dominant slightly DA person dealing with solid DA the comments started to make me feel pessimistic 😢 If you come across a DA who is actually a good person but just struggling mentally, I think they are worth the effort; but I think a lot of ppl get so wrapped up in the idea of being in love and thus feeding their own ego by making someone change themselves solely to reciprocate their love that they can’t see that.
“Show you care and if they take off let it go” my sentiments exactly. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much!! These words are helpful
THIS! Some of them are worth it ❤
You will never be good enough for the wrong person
Show this to anyone who feel they met their “twin flame” 😂
They’re not your twin flame, babe! You’re just attracted to each other’s attachment styles.
People be pursuing 4 people in 4 years but will describe all 4 as twin flames 😂 most people in your life are karmic
Is this ever a real relationship? It shouldn't be this hard!
FINALLY!!!
Someone that doesn't act like anxious or avoidant is a disease but a coping style that reacts to specific coping skills. Love this.
Yep, it's called survival, evolutionarily speaking!
The most painful thing is loving a dismissive avoidant man. I adore him love him with heart mind & soul. But he gives no emotion & never express anything. I can’t even tell if he likes me. Very sad & confusing I have tried for a long time to let him know what he means to me & it doesn’t matter. He has my heart but it’s been abandoned so he wins I will let him to be by himself.
I once loved a dismissive avoidant girl in my class but because she act confusing, manilulative, so reserved, ghosting and lots of other stuff, I moved on and don't want to see her ever again. I am fine by myself now.
Run girl RUN!!
If you want a reaction or to know if he cares about you. Disappear and don’t answer him. AT ALL. You will see what he thinks/feels. If he realizes that you are gone he will play and not react and go on with his life or he will try reaching you. BUT YOU DO NOT CARE… find someone better.. make it a mission. He is wasting your good years of life. It’s cruel.
Move on I am in the same situation. Much happier avoid the avoidants!❤️
Doesn't sound like he knows what love is nonetheless express it
Man who barely express himself os not bad. Imagine woman not being emotional. It's so confusing
I definitely have this. Every relationship I've ever accidently fallen into... immediately becomes a mental game in my head called, "How the hell am I going to get myself out of this!?"
Wow
Relationships give us the biggest opportunity to grow and evolve.
Damn, I feel 100% called out. I didn’t use to be like this, though. I’m better off single until I figure my shit out.
It's okay to not be perfect, and still be in a relationship. I think the key is willingness to work on your own issues, and hopefully your partner is doing the same. You are lovable, even with your flaws!
@@bcrwarlock1974No, they were right. You owe it to your future partners to get your shit worked out first so you don’t screw them over with your baggage.
@@chelsey241 The answer is somewhere in between. People do need to sort their issues in between relationships, but if you find yourself in one, you do the best you can at the moment. You can’t always have the most ideal situation; if you want your current relationship to work out, you might have to build the boat as you sail it. Assuming it's not just, like, a terrible relationship, of course.
In my case I feel like there’s stuff in my personal life I need personal space to work on at my own pace without a partner’s needs and expectations factoring in, so I’m relieved to be single at the moment.
@@theoneneolinkwell said
why to waste so much time and resources in this kind of people (Avoidants) do not force anything, just let them go and go on with your life.
As a fearful avoidant, I can completely confirm that I’ve been the anxious or avoidant partner depending on my partners attachment style.
i told him that I am holding back a lot of my emotions because I’m afraid to overwhelm him and cause him to feel smothered. it’s interesting to know that I should let all those emotions flow.
I do and did let my emotions flow and he told me I was mentally unwell. I got angry because he was breaking up with me for the fourth time. I told him exactly how I felt and that was his was doing was cruel mind you I was in another country visiting him. This just happened last week. All he did was insult me. Be very careful. I will never let him back to into my life again. The only reason I did give it another try was because he had me convinced I was to blame for everything well I’ve seen who he is and I can’t unsee it nor do I want anything to do with him. You deserve better and so do I.
If you give emotional intensity to an avoidance they call you needy and look for someone else.
yep!
Avoidant people aren't realistic. People need people, period point blank. Can you imagine how difficult it is to navigate the world with chronic illness? You will need people. Being in a relationship with an avoidant is literally traumatising. We are all going to get old or at some point possibly be ill in some way. Avoidant people come across as severely selfish and narcissistic. In a partnership or relationship you have shared needs, there is no running away from that. If caring for someone bothers you, don't be in a relationship.
It’s unfortunate how much pressure they put on their partners for their insatiable desires. I don’t understand how they get that way. Unable to communicate their needs expecting their partner to read their mind. It’s exhausting and sad
@@Karll541Both of you clearly have disconnect to reality.
@@DwightLivesMatter please explain
@Karll541 It's because "the self" is not aware of it's self. It's the contempt in body language that tells you what they truly feel. The body never lies.
@@livclaireschmaltz5703 so how do they improve this awareness? Trying to talk to them or point it out just seems to trigger their defenses. I would hope that they want to put in the effort of changing. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines but would prefer not to
I feel that I’m avoidant attachment and I’m gonna lay out my emotions raw right here.
1. Wow she’s lovely and amazing in every way. I will show her physically and emotionally the best things ever! -- Ok it’s been like three days of nonstop contact, time for her to leave now. I need my space. I’ll do other stuff and text her in two days time. I know she’s fine and she loves me so that’s enough for me. I’m secure.
2. Feeling energized again! Yo! Those plans we made, let’s finally do it. Yea right now! It’ll be great! ….yea that was a great time. ---ok I’m not sure how to really keep the ball rolling here and I’m a little nervous. Somehow I felt as if I came on too strong this time I’ll just go do my thing for awhile. Maybe a full day is enough alone time? I can easily go 3 days no contact though. I mean I showed her all this love and she knows I’ll come back again. I know she loves me so we’re good..
3. She’s sick?!? I must do everything in power to make sure she gets better and identify what’s wrong with her. Come up with a solution to fix this. I’ll stay with her until she’s good. -- ok she’s good. I’m kinda exhausted I’ll just be doing my own thing for awhile.
And that’s basically how I am in a nutshell. I want nothing more than to experience that human connection and intimacy, and I’m very good at flirting, but I’m scared of pursuing relationships because once I get in them, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care about her or just string her along. And that is NOT TRUE. It’s not!
This guy cut me off without saying one word, before he cut me off at the same day we even talked with each other three hours😅😅those three hours I was trying to find a way to explaining my behaviors, I don’t remember too much details now, I don’t know if he is avoidant one
I experienced all of the above with an avoidant friend but he jumped ship when I was in the hospital.
Fixe yourself. You need to.
@nedupratt7075 Oh yea? Go ahead and enlighten me. If you and i were together, how would you be? If I communicate to you "Hey I wanna just be alone tomorrow", how would you react? How much attention do you need?
@@AceKite00
I have a man whom I love .. we have talked about space.
When we finally get together.. N he needs space.. it doesn’t bother ME..
I am not clingy.. If we are enjoying things together.. that’s different.. …
We have talked about everything
That we like to do..
As of late .. not really
Much communication..
Why ?? Not sure..
I do not want to change him .. God changes people not
Me.. But he has so much talent
He loves goals n we plan on sitting down.. N planning our goals..
Anyway.. I am sure
That there is a spark
Between US n we
Enjoy talking about it..
Sorry that I jumped right in here
I guess I am trying to figure things out…
✌️☮️✨
Wow! It's one of the first time I watch a video that explains the emotional process of a avoidant people. I have mostly seen people being vilified. Thanks for bringing another perspective.
Well, the countless comments below are doing exactly that. Everytime i open a video for support, it's so triggering.
Been with a person with avoidant attachment style, but found it boring after a couple of months. No clarity in making plans, confused with their feelings.
YES! I find them completely boring. Like talking to cardboard that thinks it wants a relationship.
haha love this one, i've found out i really am avoidant myself (recovering i would say), and also recently meeting a lot of other avoidants and this hit me :D @@linnie14
And that’s what we fear the most. We fear our partner will just get bored and leave, like we were never worth getting with to begin with. That if we don’t constantly come up with things to do, then it’s time to just leave us for someone more entertaining. And that perpetuates our behaviors and trauma even moreso.
@@AceKite00 lol so then plan some activities, and tell the other person how you feel.
@@SK-no2pp Yea. Lately I’ve gotten more comfortable with all this lately. I feel I’ve gotten abit better with this lately. I realize it just takes the right person.
I just discovered this channel a few days ago - this was the first video, and then binged a truckload of them. I am genuinely heartened by the way she consistently talks about every flavor of personality in a way that respects their dignity. EVERYONE is talked about objectively and without a value judgment. Nobody is victimized nor villainized. It's all about how we got here and how we grow forwards. For that, I'm grateful. I skew to the avoidant side of things, and I feel understood here. I also have a much better understanding of everyone else too.
I wonder how much the other commenters are actually listening to the video. Seems like half the people here are just looking for a punching bag. They don't WANT avoidant people to heal, because then they lose their scapegoat. That makes me sad. Don't make me sad please. :(
I agree with you. I often wonder if they receiving what she said in the video which is excellent.
I am disorganized attachment according to this video. I have exhibited anxious, avoidant and still work to be secure although I can be triggered and revert to insecure.
It’s fascinating to learn this stuff because it makes me hopeful that I will finally have a successful relationship in the near future and take the approach more wholeheartedly that it is me and not you. That maybe my attachment style makes you crazy or vice versus.
I was running through two scenarios while she was talking which help me understand who I was avoidant with one partner and anxious with another.
My anxious partner I was avoidant and my avoidant partner I was anxious.
This self discovery is wild and the woman is incredible. ❤
@@KeiyaHood For whatever it's worth from some rando dude on the internet - I'm optimistic for you too :) just being able to talk about this stuff clearly and openly means so much. The framework is already there for us to listen and learn from.
For me, I really find that I have the tools to communicate with anybody at this point, regardless of their attachment style. My personal struggle, as someone who's still a mile deep in the avoidant style, is that I just do it veeerrrry slowly. That rubs some (most) people the wrong way, and that's okay. (as I spend 30 minutes proofreading this comment lol)
Would you be willing to talk more about what it's like to have a shift in style based on who you're relating to? I'd be curious to hear more about this from a personal perspective, if you're game to talk about it more :)
I want to know what attracts them so I can MAKE IT STOP!
ETA: More like I should find out how to identify them to avoid them.
😂😂😂
Just leave by the first red flag or weird gut feeling.
Cant stop toxic people to be attracted to you, they love kind people. Just set the rules high so you leave at once.
And dont tell or give your heart in the beginning.
They are perpetually single. If someone is older and seems like a great catch and you can’t understand why they are single they may be avoidant.
@@BezzantSam Nah, that's not a good indicator. I know so many avoidants who are in a relationship or marriage because their partner does all the emotional work or carries the burden.
I used to be anxiously attached... and now after more trauma I am disorganized or I have traits of both.
Always a silver lining. These type of people can end up making you stronger if you start focusing on yourself and instead of being bitter towards them just love from a distance and pray for them. Keep yo energy/vibrations intact.
I did that for 7 years. And nothing changed. Even went worse.
Why be strong when you will miss out on love that actually meets you half way? Reciprocal love will make you even more powerful.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
OMG this is all so complex, is it any wonder that I take shelter, hiding in my bedroom at night instead of going out?
10 yr relationship with someone just like this. Most confusing relationship of my life. Crazy making and hammered my self esteem.
Absolutely. 5 years now. It needs to end.
36 years here ... I have changed so much - My happy go lucky spark has been replaced with depression, fear and negativity - The person I thought I would be with forever is now a person I don't know and I no longer have myself either
Yeah I'm still trying to recover.
I think everyone can experience all attachment styles. Different people and relationships bring out the various attachment styles. No one is locked into a certain style. The goal is do your work on yourself and to find someone who brings out secure attachment and not settle for anything less.
this !
THIS.
By far, the best anxious avoidant video I've seen. My partner (avoidant) and I (anxious) have been dealing with this. I met her in October best thing that ever happened to me. We both instantly were so into each other. In love talking about marriage first date. Then 4 months in I experienced her avoidant side. Every went crazy. We were both so lost. Learned so much about this. And this video is exactly us in every way! The way she puts this is so beautiful!! Understanding and working together on this is very hard but so rewarding. Thanks for the amazing video. I subscribed and will be watching learning and making our way through this new life challenge.
I fell in love with a woman that suffers from cptsd. We were at the same school and I would say that we liked each other. I invited her to some coffee, we shared some things about each other and so on. One day she said to me that she wants to become a lawyer so I bought her a book about the criminal code, so that she could study a bit and do something that she enjoys. A class mate of ours later on that day said that she was happy about the present. One time she invited me to a walk and she said that she has some sympathy for me. I invited her to a coffee and cake on the same day. It was a nice day. I enjoyed every second of it! On the 19th of December I invited her to my apartment because we made some christmas presents for our teachers. She kept me waiting 3-4 hours tho, because one of her closest friends was not doing well according to her. I believed her. We kept things distant and respect each others space so nothing sexual happened but we enjoyed the time together nontheless. She stayed just one hour. At the end of the day I gave her a hug and said goodbye to each other. She said that she wanted to meet me again but since then we did not have any contact. Its been two months since then. She keeps watching my whatsapp status at times but no contact at all. I like her so much and I noticed that I want to become a better version of myself as soon as I spent time with her. I adore her intelligence, her kindness, her laughter, her way of talking, her voice... I miss her so badly... I am very sad about the fact that we do not have any contact anymore and do not know what to do... Any advice?
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I’m glad that the video content has been helpful.🙏💕
@@EminDemiri-le6gq Wow, reading this reminded me a little of my own story. You know, nothing solves problems like talking. So approaching would probably be the best idea. Not dm's, direct approaching. If I'm right and this girl is similar to one I've been dealing with, she is very scared, and that fear may make her do something stupid, but if you are serious about her, you should talk, make the first move. You are likely someone that needs a lot of care, as you are attracted to her sensitivity, but she needs to feel safe with you, that she can rely on you, and even then she could be scared. It might be a long process and requires her to open up, but if you're serious about her I'll tell you that showing that you want to continue this relationship will help her in the long run, even if you two fail. If you won't speak to each other, all that will be left is regret, on both sides.
@@EminDemiri-le6gqshe probably thought you wanted a hook up and so wasn't sure to go over to your place and is trying to keep it kosher. Also, what are you studying? Hopefully you both are equally ambitious, bc usually women don't like to be the main provider 😅 don't like that masculine feeling it could give.. or maybe she changed her mind about Law and feels embarassed?
Just ask. It's already a no. What could hurt if you ask?
My ex was an anxious who later turned into an avoidant. That relationship brought me to my knees. I learnt some harsh lessons from it.
Gosh I’m currently going through the same. My partner was an anxious too, now is an avoidant. She’s thrown away a whole relationship because of miscommunication.
Im in that situation weve been together 20 years and have a 17 year old what the hell.@@tamzsha4776
@@tamzsha4776 I’m sorry you are going through this. In my situation there were a series of issues between us that turned my partner into an avoidant. I tried to save the relationship but he had checked out. It was a roller coaster of emotions that I never want to experience again. I hope you are doing ok.
That sounds like disorganized attachment. They are a mix of both anxious and avoidant…so the worst of both worlds.
@@bystandersarah Yes, the worst of both worlds. There were a number of red flags I ignored to our detriment. He brought out the worst in me too sadly.
I am thankful to be divorced and not experience this anymore. I got married in 2008 when no one was really speaking about this… but I appreciate how your work may bless others in their life goals to feel loved, safe and secure. #modernfairytale for so many of us.
I dated avoidants but curious to know what they can be in marriage
Don't confuse the intimacy of sex with a real bond. If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world and you have to make all the bids for genuine connection, you're probably dealing with an avoidant. Oh and they can't do conflict, but they will do punitive to maintain their hyperindependence. Don't do it to yourself. The stress will drain you.
If you feel like there's no real interest in your inner world then it's not the time to analyze why, it's time to choose to leave. Seriously. Who cares if they're avoidant or whatever. If they're not interested in you but still hang around for some reason, you're signing up for pain by staying.
Furiously scribbling down everything so I never attract an avoidant man ever again. Shit is straight up traumatizing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I imagine it must be a difficult time. However, I would gently caution the impulse to "avoid all avoidants" I released a short on this topic this week. I would recommend reading the comment I posted underneath it. ua-cam.com/users/shorts7UKeTbYLfYA?feature=share
Ironic no that the confidence they see as so appealing in a partner, is very quickly destroyed by them due to their inconsistency, lack of transparency and lack of self awareness about their own disfunction.
As soon as you're aware they're dismissive avoidant, give them what they want and leave them alone - the low key abuse will harm your brain, shatter your self esteem and make a mockery of the whole concept of a relationship 💀
Good point. The anxiously attached must learn very quickly how to self-sooth and to maintain that strength to keep the relationship going. In the end it becomes difficult. Eventually the anxiously attached (if they have self worth) realise they are not getting what they put in and seek affection elsewhere.
I know right.
Thank you for all the info. I recently heard about attachment styles through my partners best friend. I'm an anxious type and she's avoidant and i can say there's so many things i was doing over the years that created an immerse pressure to her. The hardest thing for me was when she was slowly pulling away i was chasing her and by understanding everything you say on your videos that's a no go. I reassure her that its okay to need her space and her time to process things and that i don't feel neglected when it happens. That somehow shows confidence and emotional strength. I also assure her that I'm here for anything she wants to talk about or just hang, in order to create a safe space for her. Doing all the above while im trying to become self sufficient especially on things that trigger her life be bad with finances and schedules, I came to a realization that my anxious type came from a childhood trauma i never faced or healed from and that affected me on daily basis with me and the people around me. I started going to therapy to heal my inner child and become a better version of me and becoming a better partner.. Again Thank you for all the information! P.s any extra tips are welcomed :)
What a wonderful video! Thank you so much... I'm dating a woman who has avoidant attachment issues. I never knew how to deal with this, so this video is extremely helpful. She is a wonderful person, but after a year and a half she is just barely opening up to me. I'm so thankful for people like you putting valuable information like this out here for us to learn and grow from!
Non consistent love made me obsessed and bring so much anxiety into my life. I became really emotionally volatile. She broke up with me 3 times during 2 years. I wanted to show her love and compassion but ultimately it wrecked me.
Please also reflect on your attachment style whether it is anxious or secure.
Avoidant types be it male or female are repulsed by neediness, clinginess anything that appears could disrupt their own independence. ( I am speaking for my self).
It will not matter how nice you are.
The better question to ask is what do they find attractive and what are their life goals. Talk about their childhood and ask how it made them feel. Avoidants have a hard time with “feelings” and may only express them in moments of trauma like a birth or a death. Things literally life changing.
Now there are some other videos on UA-cam that further breakdown the cycles avoidants go through do to no contact.
It’s all so interesting.
Good luck with your dating life. ❤
@@KeiyaHood oh believe me I reflect about my attachment so much, got much more insight and will to do the work. I feel like I have lean anxious in that dynamic, but feel like even being secure seems needy for a avoidant person, especially when they deactivate. On the long run I just feel disconnected and sad and that just make things worse. Expressing need to talk things and resolve stuff just repulse avoidant. Everything should be easy and smooth for them, otherwise they pull away
No matter what you do, no matter how good you are avoidant will always find a idiotic excuse to dump you. I went through this
You are 100% correct!!!
You got dumped because you avoided dumping?
Cowards
I’m sorry but the expressive emotions of an anxiously attached person will only repulse the avoidant. It’s not the greatest gift you can give an avoidant.
@@alexajackson8227 accountability right here 💝 I was the anxious attached. His avoidance of his drinking behaviour brought me to this place of warped and sick behaviour myself. Begging, pleading, fighting. When I left it was no different for a while. I was in ribbons. We were BOTH unhealthy. I mean, if a guy begged me and pleaded with me etc, I would be repulsed too. However, Im soo F happy again after 2 years of agonising shadow work, I a happy and in a new space in my head. He is still falling up the road every night. Just happy he's not faling home to mine. 💝🙏 stupidty is not empathy. I was stupid and it is what it is. I learned alot. These people need to take responsibility for their own part in the toxic relationship.
Great breakdown. One of the clearest demonstrated understandings of the anxious avoidant dynamic and really enjoyed the shadow presence addition. Thank you!
The last person i dated was definitely avoidant. We made it past conflict resolution so it ended upnwith both us resenting each other . He always dismissed my feelings about things that hurt me. It was just a no for me. I tend to go between anxious and secure attachment within myself. So im not attracted to him emotionally anymore bevause i want someone who is more open, emotionally safe and intelligent, and validating
I could not have said that better myself! Spot on. Find a grown up that can reciprocate. 💕
😢i feel it
This is VERY interesting and one of the best videos I’ve watched so far about avoidant partners. I always thought my man was avoidant but not I realized I also have avoidant tendencies even though I’m tested as secure. I’ve been badly hurt in the part which made me sensitive to any form of perceived rejection.. my avoidant partner told me he’s attracted to me because: “you’re confident, independent, have your own life and are complete” just like you said! We have great chemistry but tend to spend too much time apart happily in our own live which causes gaps and it becomes difficult to come back. Currently we’re long distance so hopefully things get better when we start living together.
He’s gotten MUCH better at expressing his feelings and I’m subtly helping him state his needs. We communicate a lot and it’s obvious he had neglectful parents (so did I). I’m super affectionate with him which helped him open up a bit. I’m struggling a lot with my own attachment issues but hopefully we can grow together and get through this. Wish me luck! And thank you for this video 😊
good luck! it's nice to hear a success story
He kept saying he wants to be there for me and take care of me and then when I wanted to discuss next steps he pushed me away so fast and started to withdraw. He was spending a lot of time with me before.
"... Their spiritual assignment for growth" 🙌🏽
Thank you so much🙏🏽 been in a situationship with an avoidant for almost two years...recently saw a glimpse of what he was holding back from me so im trying to buikd the courage to finallt directly tell him how I feel so we can finally communicate about the possibility of a relationship. What struck me the most from this video is the fact that I waa showing my intense emotions but significantly dialed them back(which was killing me inside and still is) because my avoidant seemed to not reciprocate that...so i assumed that they didnt want someone who they percieved as too emotional. But now after watching this video i realize that me showing my emotions to him gradually helped him to express himself little by little to me, so im going to try to be brave and express how i fully feel about him and we'll see how this goes!
This was presented perfectly. Everything you talked about including the two whole people coming together, the directness in communication, the autonomy and independence, and the emotional stoicism in the face of life's challenges are the necessary ingredients to have a truly fulfilling life that one can share with another partner. It's just too bad so few want to work toward attaining these things BEFORE they enter a long-term relationship. It also doesn't help that society coddles the people who DON'T want to work on these things, telling them that it's okay as long as their honest about it (God forbid they actually take the next step and CHANGE their behavior). At the end of the day, you need to find someone in the same page. If you're not on the same page when you meet or you're drifting apart after years of being together, it's best to leave the relationship and find someone who is better for you.
I realised I was avoidant by just the amount of stalkers I attracted. Realising this made a ton of difference in my life.
or you are emotionally devoid like a robot
I don't understand what you mean? also can you give me your fb, insta and tiktoks please :) for no reason in particular.
this is my problem. Ive become avoidant because of how weird people treat me.
I fear closeness. If you want to drive me away, start putting demands on me. Not requests; demands.
Also, start lying to me.
It would help if you got suspicious and critical towards me.
Try to micromanage my behavior: how I look, dress, run my life.
Be convinced your ideas are far better than mine.
Treat me as if I'm dumb.
Don't be interested in my emotions, dismiss them, minimize them, or even better, take my feelings as a personal insult of some sort towards yourself.
Tell me you're going to help me with something I'm desperate enough to actually ask for help for (very rare), and then flake on the offered support.
Be sure to guilt trip and gaslight me while you're at it.
...I will dash like my butt is on fire..
@@grmpEqweer Please dash to a therapist's office and work on healing your avoidant attachment issues and traumas. If what you describe is true, then you are a mess and need help.
My psychologist friend said that the longer they are in avoidant behaviour the more likely it is that they won't change. It takes a lot of work to unpack the trauma and move on.
I totally understand. Too much pain.
Feel so sorry for them...
😢
We never knew differently.
We may be on the outside looking in.
We are 'freaks' sometimes even to ourselves.
We may see it as healing and self-preservation.
The way that we know how.
Very useful and digestible explanation. Helped me connect dots as an anxious with an avoidant sweetheart.
Glad it helped!
Sounds like we are all a reflection of eachothers whole healed true self. We align with those who unintentionally will provide the opportunity to be triggered in order to discover our unconscous unhealed wounds, if we are up for the challenge and we introspect we become more adjusted and closer to true alignment .
I think that's one of the only PRO's of the anxious-avoidant trap. When you come out of it, you hope that you have uncovered some missing link for yourself and you hope the same for your partner.
OMG! I am hearing this at just the perfect time. I'm in a new relationship and I'm loving it. Here's the thing. I'm slightly anxious but learning to do better. She's slightly avoidant but learning to do better. The energy between us is ELECTRIC! And we totally take turns chasing each other.
This is such a strange sensation to hear this right now when it is so relevant. I have therapy in a few hours. One more thing to try to process.
Be careful.
@@Mihai93M Update: She told me that she was anxious-attached but I disagreed because she was behaving textbook avoidant. Turns out she is anxious-attached. Brianna has another video describing how when it's two anxious types in a relationship, one can act avoidant. Brianna has another video explaining how your attachment style can appear to change depending on your partner.
We are both being careful and trying to take things slowly. We have to make a conscious effort to slow things down because the chemistry between us is powerful. We're both 53 y.o. And both divorced. We are doing well so far. Still very new.
Excellent assessment. I’m the “anxious” female and my EX-boyfriend was the avoidant personality in the relationship, I was promised so many things, even the littlest things, there was NO ACTION. I FEEL like deep down he’s soft marshmallow filled Easter egg, but he sports a very Cool, “No worries”attitude. He CANNOT handle my overthinking, asking too many questions, & I know he’s been alone for so long, he forgot how to be in a relationship…I also have been single 18 years and am ready to find someone..but I don’t think it ls him. Even though I am feeling lonely without him, incomplete & just plain sad.
Your overthinking is a bad trait itself. Fix that before you set out for a secure partner.
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@bartholetbayana9198 Don't put your hopes and money into spell casters.This isn't a fantasy movie.
I've noticed something.
Avoidants are like cats.
Anxious are like dogs.
Cats/Avoidants are independent. It might be more difficult to gain their trust. You have to let them come to you. They chose when they're ready for affection. Once they've had enough, they retreat or they'll be overstimulated.
Dogs/Anxious require more attention. They follow you around everywhere you go. They have terrible separation anxiety.
They think you're gone forever, but you have only left for a little while.
Now, you wouldn't ask a cat to be a dog, would you?
Of course, not all cats and dogs are the same, but I do notice some behavioral similarities with anxious/avoidants
Damn this describes my current gf 😮 im trying not to take it personally but damn it’s annoying
@@stevetroxel7195 I wish you good luck in your relationship! 💖
Lmao 😄 they are
I get along with cats just fine. What about those that have a blend of avoidant and anxious. that's the ones I struggle with.
Why would anyone want to be in an unrequited situation like this? I've tried dating an avoidant off and on for over 8 months and it was horrible (I was living in an emotional HELL). I believe that relationships should not be this complicated. I finally decided to move on/count my losses and I've recently found an amazing woman who has the capacity to openly show, give and receive love in a way that's more than acceptable for me.
You did the best thing.
The dream ...
This is my opinion- we are all seeking validation in our relationships. When our significant other does not respond to us in a way that we want it will cause a lot of conflict.
I am feeling like the dismissive avoidant comes across as cold and stubborn. When in actuality it’s just a coping mechanism from childhood trauma.
Of course everything is not going to be black and white and it is not fair to put the burden of our happiness upon our partners.
If you are going to love someone just do that- love them and decide if that person is right for you.
I think these types of challenges help us grow and help us do better in relationships especially when these things are not their fault.
@@KeiyaHoodthe coping mechanism IS the stubborn and cold dismissive behavior, and if they are unwilling to change what has been made conscious to them, then they are quite literally toxic to themselves and others.
I understand this feeling of this pain. I have been in a relationships with a narcissist person and avoidant person.
It’s so confusing they have the capacity of showing love but it’s inconsistent or
fake
Very interesting & insightful. However, I just want to say that my ex-husband was sensitive, but not to the feelings of others near as much as he was to his own feelings. He felt sorry for himself and pouted a lot, but rarely had empathy for anyone else. He was selfish in many ways.
Yes!
Agreed 100%
I'm just so in shock about this video that I had to subscribe to your channel. Being an fearful avoidant myself I got say: it's not easy at all. Thank you for this amazing video
Wow a lot of love coaches have very simplistic theories and pseudopsychology but your videos are very nuanced, insightful and empathetic I like that
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Briana, this is helpful, lovely, loving, and actionable. I subscribed, finding you a valuable resource. So thankful to have found you.
Whoa! This is intense. You have struck a nerve. Very revealing and enlightening.. Thank you for shining a light on this.
In essence they expect a perfect partner but they themselves will be the most difficult emotionally distant, unreliable partner you can ever hope for. No thanks!
No. They hope for compassion and understanding and grace and protect themselves from people who would say things as you did here. :) They are wanting to "avoid" conflict..
@@hrdxcorewell said, they are often misunderstood. If the anxious also tried to worked in their own issues and emotions, I think it could work out. Avoidants can actually be the best of friends and lovers, they just need to be understood and accepted.
We all suffer from some degree of weirdness. I avoid because I can’t draw a boundary without hurting someone. “Normal” people talk to much and over share their lives. Some “normal” ppl don’t realize they are doing it but most know and use us avoidant folks as “good listeners” so they (normal) person feels better about themselves.
We may be rough to understand but at least we are aware. We’re so aware that we’re actually labeled “highly empathetic.” Let that soak in…. We care so much that we try to keep peace by avoiding conflict.
@krook527 Totally agree. After all the betrayals; lies; hidden addictions and my continued patience; kindness; compassion and educating myself; lots of therapy; and he only went because he didn’t want me to leave; I understood It was words; not really action. I continued therapy ; earning my degree while his therapy slowly dwindled. Our therapist cut him loose. After 2 years he wasn’t willing to do the deep hard work. ( My bf was diagnosed with an extreme DA attachment style and he also leans extreme FA. ) Your words ring true for me. They do expect perfection ( they tend to be highly critical of others and high view of themselves) and you try to attain it and they raise the bar. You always need to prove yourself to them. Deep down I believe they don’t actually feel great about themselves as they have a defective core wound and lack self esteem. At first he came across as sad and sullen and meek but at other times he seemed aloof ; grandiose ; extreme confidence. It would switch. I don’t know about mildly avoidant partners; but my experience was extremely painful. Mine had NO problem whatsoever with conflict and would voice his extremely negative and highly critical opinions and constant judgments of others freely. Mainly against those I love. There was no thinking of another; no empathy or compassion towards anyone; even me and the several types of betrayals I found out 5 years in. This man was living a secret life. He couldn’t do the emotional repair of those betrayals . He had 5 years to work through his trauma and FO. He started therapy again when he sensed I was ready to move on again. Then; stopped suddenly after saying his therapist ( a new one) says he’s good. He doesn’t need therapy anymore. I never stopped and I got radical acceptance that he’s not going to do the work despite what he says. While I was mildly anxious; the betrayals were so hard to go through alone ( thankfully I had a therapist). There were several other things that hit me in life around that time and loss of loved ones and some health issues with my kids and the c-19 all happened at once. There was a lot I was having to deal with and I had to give to my children first so this relationship stuff was on the back burner for a while which he was quite happy about. He didn’t have to do much. He never really put in much of the emotional work. Didn’t want to educate himself. Said he already knows it all. Our therapist would send book titles to buy; and links to some very informative podcasts and articles and he rarely watched any. Words didn’t match actions. The extreme negativity and lack of empathy for anyone is a real problem. My therapist said I’m paying the price for his childhood trauma and his past relationships although I see a pattern now and I understand that these women he was with before me must have been real lonely and just gave up and started to meet all their own needs and they eventually left him out. They ended up with two totally different lives. The kicker is he set the tone for the relationship this way after the rubber hit the road. Then he claimed they were selfish because they left him home alone and didn’t include him. Yet he sought so much distance all the time they didn’t want to pressure him. What I see now was he was selfish and never considered them. He found the same type; extremely kind; patient; loving; selfless women that are doers. These women were pretty secure too. The best thing about this relationship is it taught me so much about myself and what I do want. Sometimes we need to know what we don’t want before we know what what we want. I am just still amazed at how he fooled me. He portrayed himself to be the complete opposite. He has been my greatest teacher though and I’m no longer attracted to him. I wish him so much healing; ❤️🩹 and love but he’s got to be the one to choose it. I wish him well.
Omg this!! Yes! Yes! Nailed it! The worst type of people!
This was an excellent video. I’ve never heard this perspective - that anxious leaning partners have a gift to give avoidant leaning partners and they should not shy away from that. As someone that leans anxious I’ve always felt like I need to just adjust and give them space which is good for a time but not long term. It certainly prevents connection and promotes mutual hiding. This was so encouraging and practical, and I’m looking forward to watching more of your videos!
Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. I’m glad it was helpful!
When nearly everyone is emotionally fucked up in this world, it's just a matter of whom will hurt whom first and whom will decide to be forgiving and patient so it can work out. But when it gets to the point that forgiveness and patience it's not paying off, it turns out to be a matter of protecting yourself before you become just like them.
Super good video! Thank you! Well explained and very good key points brought forward.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Some wonderfully articulate things said about: space needed due to lack of “Equilibrium” ; “Withholding consequence” ; “Emotions a catalyzing gift” . The traits that could be attractive for a variety of reasons get listed as attractive to avoidant partners (i agree that these things are attractive to avoidant types perhaps more clarity around how to distinguish various motives for finding such qualities attractive). 1. Independence 2. Confidence 3. Self -sufficiency: all those qualities are also things that a highly dependent person seeks and a narcissist who is seeking status and on and on and on. The issue is balance and that is where things get so complicated and nuanced. Getting beneath triggers is a great point and part of how this video ends on actionable points.
As a classic DA man with a 17 year marriage experience to an AA woman, her emotional intensity was certainly the gift attracting me to her, but then it would swell into emotional insobriety (see Heidi Preibe YT) and trigger my memories of parental emotional abuse and withdrawal. AAs would do well to accept that there is a limit her DA can tolerate and that it may even be an appropriate boundary being exercised.
Dating an avoidant is like moving to the upside down.
Hahahahaha
😂
I heard it’s because we are trying to heal eachother through eachother. But often what ends up happening is one or both parties are traumatized again
Thank you for watching in for commenting. That’s a very insightful and succinct way of putting it.
Very insightful. I'm an anxious who recently met an avoidant. It didn't work out and this helps me understand why, and how to better manage these situations.
I've discovered in the past year that I am avoidant and have recently begun to suspect that the woman that I am strongly attracted to is also an avoidant. This video gives me hope, as I was thinking I was dealing with a double whammy where both of us are interested in each other but exhibit behaviors where we alternately run away from each other. If I know what the problem is, I have a chance to work to improve the situation.
Sometimes they are not avoidant, they just don't like you enough
But probably not 10 in a row
That doesn't mean you are not likable ❤️ The right person falls in love with all of you
Yes unfortunately many people mis diagnose or over diagnose because of catchy label. Same goes with narcissism. Suddenly everyone is diagnosed as a narcissist.
@@Questioneverything72 it is overused, but very few narcissist get diagnosed because they do not seek out help. And very few avoidants change or get better.
Agree with this and it happens a lot with women getting used for something like sex or housing when the guy isn’t all that into her, or just holding her as a placeholder until he meets someone he actually cares a lot about.
Very helpful. Help discern between avoidant and narcissist.
Narcissists enjoy hurting other people, they are overly preoccupied with themselves and their ego, they act hot and cold, being adoring and in love and then viciously devaluing others. Avoidants, on the other hand, are just really afraid of closeness and intimacy.
Narcissist are rule changers. That’s all you need to know. Attachment style is just explaining why some people look like they are playing games ll the time.
I could literally write a book.
But she explains so much in the video.
There is much overlap between covert narcissism and avoidant personality disorder
@@meilei8716There is much overlap between anxious attachments and psychosis.
And here is the plot twist to this; these are the very same people who run behind you, say they are Real (that's the big one lol) and looking for that special friend. Meanwhile in the beginning you low key weren't trying to get involve with anyone at that moment. You were contended in your life if only for that time but eventually they awaken something inside of you (an intrigue) You eventually gave time to have a connection and then they sabotage all of it and ran away. Left you holding a bag of emotions, feelings and confusing which you don't know what to do with. Until you get rid of it all. The cycles continue IF you let it. Look for the signs, tap into your spiritual gift strongly and start discerning people and run as fast as you can.
Thank you for this comment.
Thank you.
This is actually spiritual too. Thanks for communicating this on a physical level.I experienced this in my life where I was open to to someone but in the fact if I felt a spiritual connection first...I'd open up and then I noticed I was too naturally me and now I keep certain people at bay just because I only want what I give out and he stop opening up and I seen that as a sign of immaturity...love bomb etc anyway I only want to be genuinely me with those that are genuinely them as well but that vibrates with me if that makes sense. It has to be a core within both of us where we are reciprocating each other's energy.
As a fearful avoidant who tends to attract disorganized attachment prospective partners I can attest that this video is 100 percent accurate.
Thank you for commenting, I’m glad that it resonates.
Leave us healthy ppl alone then until you go fix yourself
@@MikeKillianShvt vp and don't harass others you don't know.
Just don't do it - they will always end up hurting you unless they truly work on themselves. Communication is next to none
wow, this has been so validating and helpful, way beyond what the title promises. consider changing to something that indicates the surprise you buried here: why behaving according to your emotionally intense nature around an avoidant partner is IMPORTANT for them
I’m glad you like this. I do have a separate video like that: No More Eggshells: Your Feelings Are A Gift To Your Avoidant Partner
ua-cam.com/video/B1ykB1Wo71I/v-deo.html
Wow..I know! I'm quite blown away by that 😮
Avoidants like people that will tolerate their unhealthy immature behaviors
Don't enable others and reward bad behavior
Narcissism anyone?
Thank you for the in depth analysis of the avoidant and anxious attachment people. It is always nice to find others that study it in depth and puts it out for others to profit off of so thank you!
Forget giving them the "gift" of emotions - they'll drain you like Dracula and move on.
Down to the T... And I was told by a friend trying to be sympathetic by saying you feel disrespected I said no I was disrespected. Like feeling abandoned as to be abandoned
I don't want to punish them, but why do I feel that they are punishing me?
As an avoidant, we are not trying to punish our partner, we are trying to stay safe from the emotional vulnerability that comes from being connected. We haven’t been taught how to love. It’s the saddest feeling actually. We want it but don’t have the skillset to accept it.
After my experience, I only regret that I trusted fully this person.
Great info thx. Having a partner who can't open up or understand emotions is not for me. Too many complex/convoluted personalities here lol. Older I get less likely I will cater to people who havent done emotional work or aren't willing to grow or apologize. Done. Ps people say they like my emotional intensity & strength...none ever do in reality, just gaslight or leave.
I see it returning in the comments, the one thing I wanted to add why I'm very sceptical about this - exhaustion. When you said I even have to adjust my language as I can't say I feel abandoned because it's judgmental for them ( reminding them they did something), I had a big no coming up and that says it all. I'm not or was not securely attached myself and always looking out what you do and say and how is just a horror. But I kept on trying till I could not. It must not be so one-sided and that's the clue here. But I agree with confronting them and not keeping yourself stuck. Great video in many ways, also if we think of those so-called twin flames. For a fearful avoidant which I was more or less, a chaotic wishy-washy or dismissive person is re-traumatizing. Yes, it was a gift, it brought healing for me, but also a realization that I have no more energy to give.