Covert narcissistic mothers - What are they like?
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
- #covertnarcissistmother #covertnarcissist #narcissisticmother
A video about covert narcissistic mothers inspired by my own personal experience.
Apologies for the bad sound quality in this video. I was in the process of moving home and the room was really empty, so there is an echo while I speak.
My mom doesn't like it when I'm happy. As a child I felt like I had to hide my happiness or bring it down a notch so that she wouldn't feel bad. Pretty crazy.
It is indeed crazy! Hugs to you
A very good description!
Mine doesn't care if I'm happy or not.
Right! If I was excited or happy, she'd ask if I drank too much caffeine.
Me too. Exactly this. She would take any joy or enthusiasm as a personal attack and would be sure to ruin it for me somehow. But she also got angry if I was unhappy so I had to just be completely “blank” all the time.
The worst thing is having to pretend everything is ok in front of others from childhood. You learn it so young and continue until adulthood.
You're comment 😔. You described my situation. My mother is soooo good at playing these games. I've started practicing being stoic, and distance myself from her while being incognito with it. And just like this lady in the video is saying, she knows how to play the victim very well.
You described my mother to about 90%. I went no contact with her almost 2 yrs ago. She is a miserable person and chose to hate my loving husband and made up lies about him for no reason. I will not tolerate her BS anymore. The stories are painful and endless. I am not in contact with my family as she has become the victim, and I am the scapegoat. Don't really care... they can have her. I am much happier with the Lord and my husband by my side. ♡
I doubt it was for no reason, the reason was probably because he likes you more than her, and she can't have anyone liking you more than her. I'm not sure exactly why but I guess I'm close. Anyway there's always a reason in there evil mind. There's a method to their madness.
I have the same story; went no contact 1 year ago. Dealing with the recovery. Blessings to you. Thanks be to the Lord.
Yeah my mother threw a fit because she didn't want my dads girlfriend at the wedding and then accused me of being the one to say that. She constantlyy talks about how she hates my brother in law and then goes to I saying how great he is when she's done having a melt down. She has intefered with every relationship I've had including with my therapists. She also makes everything about race even when there is 0 evidence to support it. Someone made a sarcastic remark? Her response to a cop telling her to relax and take a breath was "That was code for 'be a good n----er and shut up' and you KNOW it"
My husband, who was my neighbour, knew him 7 yrs prior to marriage, well he's not perfect but I did get to escape them and mom too lied about him, saying he'd said my older bro stole money from him decades ago, I liked that my husband wouldn't suck up to her that way I wouldn't be around her as much, golden child gone copper!
My mother is the same way. She even played our children against us. I know how feel. I have not spoken to her in 2 years
It took 59 years for me to figure out why I felt crazy whenever I was around her. My life is so much more calm and joy-filled now that I have stopped spending time with that toxic mess. This is so ON the money, it perfectly describes my mother.
Yes, 59 yrs for me to figure it out, as well. 60 is speeding toward me. 2 1/2 months away. Figured it all out about 2 weeks ago. I don't want anything more to do w/her or my sister. My poor brother is getting hit hard by those two, but if I told him everything I think & believe, he wouldn't believe me. He's still in denial.
Have just had the same realisation myself, was feeling guilty because I couldn’t understand my inner anger when around her !
Healing from a CN mother at the age of 55 here! Only daughter with two brothers. Brothers don’t see it and they think I’m the problem!
Ditto 😡
omfg YES! THIS EXACTLY!! The "nice act" so insidious!!! I feel so damn icky around her😢
The first memory I have of my mothers' abuse was when I was very young, I think 4 or 5. And at the time I was very sad and crying. I said to her: "I am sad".
She replied: "Me too". Then she walked away. I feel a void in my heart from that up to this day.
I am so sorry. Hugs
I'm sorry. I think it can be ok for a parent to let their child know they share feelings, negative or posiitve, and can empathise. But the parents HAS to bee bigger and stronger than the child! Can't just do what your mom did
.
@@CourageCoaching Ok, so I have decisively left her now, after 45 long years. Accordingly to you and others on this topic it will get rough. And yeah ...I can sense it.
@@omnisense5052 Hang in there! You've got this!
Ooofffff. That hit me :( I am sorry. That's hard. I suffered a very similar thing; being shut in my room calling out for her love, but it never came. Hang in there. I wish you peace. I hope you have people around you who LOVE you for who you are, no matter what.
My mother is a covert narcissist but she’s not an introvert. She’s an extrovert who acts differently behind closed doors. This is spot on though, so much of it.
Same here, I would say the covert is that her tactics are more subtle and passive aggressive.
yep...same here.
I know.bless you❤
Same here, super extraverted, party planner fun mom out in public
Sometimes coverts are also histrionic
Why can't you be more like... It has taken me decades to realize I was rejected repeatedly as a child by a bitter, miserable mother, and it has affected my life profoundly. She has no idea she was toxic as she was too busy blaming me and my father for being the problematic ones.
Doing everything I can to make sure my children know they are loved and valued for who they are as individuals.
I had a covert narcissistic mother.
She has forbidden me every hobby I was interested in.
She discouraged me in every talent I had.
She has removed from my reach all people who could have given me help.
That's a typical behaviour.
Because such people could be dangerous to her.
Because they could give encouragement.
When I had a child, she programmed the child against me.
The compassion I had for her only made me an easy victim for her.
It wasn't until I was 52 that I was able to grasp that it was a covered narcissist mother. What I'm dealing with.
Thank you for sharing. Any support from Trauma Networking is important.
Very similar and in age as well
Similar!
My mom told us college was a waste of time and money because she never got her degree (too much work I think).
I wasn’t ready for adulthood at all and was afraid of anything and everything. Crippled by the amount I didn’t know and knew I wasn’t ready for, but I was the age to graduate and supposedly move out.
My mom never mentioned my future self. Her advice to me when I graduated high-school was that I didn’t have to grow up and could stay little.
I pity it now that I have separation from her (at age 29, married with three kids). She had no clue how horrible she was for me as my mother. She still feels entitled to my kids despite never caring for me. I had to cut contact because it was killing me mentally into physically making me ill. I thought it was my fault and everyone treated me subtly like it was my fault.
When I admitted into the hospital for it, my mom watched our kids. She never asked me about it and purposely didn’t tell my family members. Not a soul from my family reached out to me when I got out of the hospital.
Finally it clicked that she was the main trigger for my mental illness issues. Once I started tell people the truth about my history with my mom they all told me it was my personal issues and that I was delusional. I was gaslight by everybody except my Dad who listened to me (praise God!).
Without him and without my amazing supportive husband, without God providing for me through these men and many more good thoughtful friends/professionals, without the help I literally wouldn’t be here. But I’m so happy now! I’m learning how to be a better person and how to be less hard hearted. I’m learning what trust looks like and how to love and receive love 💕
I’m so incredibly grateful that I am not alone in this situation. Sometime I have to read everybody’s comments so I know I didn’t misread things.
Yes
@Sophie Unusual it's good that the situation turned around.
My dad was not listening to me.
Both of my parents have forbidden me my talents.
My dad promoted the brother.
He told me many times that women are stupid like sh*t.
He was the enabler parent.
For the narcissistic parent.
But even if everything went wrong.
I'm still alive and slowly seeing through.
Just lost my own covert narco mom, and your testimony helps me miss her less. Thanks.
every single word you said is my mother. I finally joined suit with my 3 older siblings and went no contact 4 years ago, which meant I had to cut off contact with all of her enablers too, which include my step-dad and 2 half siblings. I let my guard down a few years ago when my step-dad was hospitalized with Covid and she decided to show up at my door to ridicule me for abandoning them and that was the reason my dad was in the hospital. thankfully he recovered and I learned a valuable lesson - she will not change.
❤its like Reading my own story.bless you.
Everything you said plus rage. Coverts can show narcissistic rage as well as overt types in my experience. Thank you very much for this video.
Thank you so much for this validation in this video. I haven't come across a more perfect explanation of my own mother. It has been a lifetime of this. I'm 36 years old and we have screaming matches because she will never apologize or take accountability for her actions and words. IF she does apologize, she does the same thing again and laces her apologies with blame shifting jabs. EVERYthing you said in this video she has done. It's heartbreaking I'm just coming to this conclusion this late in my life. We've always had a very difficult and toxic relationship and this just makes so much more sense.
Narcs don't listen, u have to set boundaries for progress
I've heard it called 'indifferent narcissism'... my narcissistic mother had six kids of which she took no responsibility for parenting. So as the oldest, yep, I was the nurturer. After a decade of therapy, I'm mostly good. But I have to surround myself with people who get it.
This is actually insane. I can’t believe how validating it is to watch this wow.
My mother said to me last week: “I don’t know how you turned out so different from me. Must be your dad’s side of the family where you get your weirdness.”
She is constantly surprised that I do things my own way, such as: career choices, clothes and makeup choices, where I live, how I eat, partner choices, housing choices, etc.
I’m 53 years old, ffs. We haven’t lived under the same roof since 1988, of course I do things my own way, now.
my mom hates my dad
and whenever i remind her of him she will say “oh you’re just like your dad..etc” complaints making observations and lumping me and my dad into a category of a personality profile that she does not like and always tells me about it. i never hear anything she does like or appreciate about me. even when i cook a delicious meal she can’t even say that it tastes good. always criticism.
Omg yes!!! They will continually compare you to how you act because you are authentic wow! Ita always “I don’t know where you get that from, your dad” she does it to allllll of us im 31 now and my sister is 25 my 14 year old sister is finding out a lot now. She does it to her always comparing her children always!! And it sets us apart I never knew she was like this until now. They are so sensitive to the extreme they will know your filled with positive energy and blasts her problems on you! It is so draining
Even if you’re on the phone she will talk to you while your on the phone and be rude and talk loud so the other person can hear her it’s sickening she will literally demand you to do things her way for years I been told I was too sensitive cause I would quickly speak up to her at 31 now I understand and I just pray for her and I can’t hang with her like I use to I really can’t
Yes especially where I live ! If I say I don’t want to live there she thinks I’m going against her, now I choose to say okay mom thank you I’ll think about that
Bravo managing that pressure 👏👏👏 I moved away, best thing I've ever done
I've never felt so seen. Thank you for this wonderful video. It was very informative and you're well spoken.
This is exactly my mother. Thank you for sharing this content and your story! 🙏❤️
WHAT they refuse is to seek help. They would be found out
Yess the selective amnesia - totally throws me off balance xx
Me Too
I have a CN mother. My brother is 2 years older than me, the golden child. I was born as an independent child, and she hated that very early on. So I became the scapegoat, to the point she would try and side with my brother against me, and tease me. It's death by a thousand cuts. I'm 40 now, and realised this 3 years ago. I'm about to start therapy because the cognitive dissonance can be crippling. I feel for others who are going through this. Thanks for raising awareness.
Thanks for sharing Holly! I hope therapy helps.
Build a shield, stay strong, work on yourself, not them. If you see them on a family reunion, stay «professional and detached»; it is exhausting but necessary. Give your best time and love to yourself and to the ones who trully consider you and from whom you feel loved and welcomed. Choose a happy life !
You’ve obviously interviewed, and used the exact information for this video on my mother.
The BEST 100% accurate description of my mother - you are SPOT ON ❤
My grandmother was usually ok (meaning not as mean/nasty/evil as she could be) if you were doing what she thought you should be. But the minute you wanted to do something that didn’t include her or take up your own interests or branch out from the family, there was hell to pay!
As a kid, I started to make my own friends & explore my own interests & independence (like any normal kid) and I was accused of being ungrateful for all she’d given me as a child of a divorced mother.
One of her tactics was to tell me (or her daughters, at different times, depending on who she was angry with) that friends weren’t really our friends & probably all talk about us behind our backs because they can see how selfish we are by how we treat her.
Another thing she would often tell us, whenever we “stepped out of line” is that she no longer loves us. She couldn’t possibly love us the way she once did. Little did she know, the feeling was mutual.
Wow yeah first part of that spot on. Dads mum, then dad partly became narcissistic but someone what more codependent…unsure🤷♀️ but he married mum who is also a covert narc and ahhh we all live together….what a whirlwind!!!! Can’t wait to move out again and never come back 😢🎉😂
On my sisters wedding day my mother starting spreading rumors that I was mad at my sister because I wasnt in the wedding and my dads girlfriend was. I gave 0 Fs. When my sister asked me about this I confronted my mom and she accused me of lying and playing the victim and then when my grandparents and disabled uncle told her to relax she threatened to kick all of us out of the house and then went on a rant about about how everyone is jealous because she's a strong indepedent black women. Absolutely disgusting. The woman has 0 self awareness, she thinks all the restraining orders were some elaborate conspiracy theory to silence her.
Wow so much what you said resonates. I've been struggling and only today I found out that having a mother like this is real thing.
I have never had a mutual conversation with my NM, or anyone else really. Being parentified was the hardest part to deal with.
Oh wow another connection I just made. Superficially in my mom seemed like she was offering compassion and encouraging me to be gentle with myself. But she was actually trying to dissuade me from going after anything in my life that might lead me to success that threatened her!!!!!!
No worries about the sound quality, it's the content that's important. Great content, well delivered and on point throughout. Thank you!
Thank you Andrew! It is unfortunate that this video which has reached so many, has poor sound quality! I had just moved house and didn't have the energy to re-do it! The content luckily has been helpful!
So well articulated and comprehensive. Thank you so much for the clarity. If only there was a pill for this so we could have the mothers we deserve. Thanks for sharing everyone.
My mother-in-law is a covert narcissist. Every single word you said is identifiable in her case. She never seems to be happy when my husband and I achieve something as a couple. Her constant drama, attention seeking tantrums, baseless complaints, and envious nature made our lives hell until I gave her a final shut-up call and broke ties with her.
One very shocking observation was that she never felt any love or affection towards her granddaughter i.e. our only daughter. This surprises me till date that how come a person be so indifferent towards her own grandchild.
Good for you, for cutting off ties! It is very hard to comprehend so much about these personality types! Your daughter will be better off without her in her life although I also understand it is a great shame for her not to have a 'healthy grandmother'.
Believe me, Prakriti, I understand entirely where you're coming from with this! I think she didn't show any real love or affection towards your daughter because she (your mother in law) needs to be the centre of attention, and naturally a child takes both your attention and your husband's away from her. At least, that's my take on it. These people are a nightmare to deal with.
I'm turning 40 years old this year, and only just realized I've been in a silent competition with my mother my entire life. It's heartbreaking.
It is heartbreaking! ❤️🩹 Sending hugs
Thank you so much for this video. You have described my mother perfectly.
So very spot on and accurate. Come in exactly when I need it. Very clear, and helpful. Thank you 🙏
the part about the hugs-- yes! hugging my mom is awkward and cold :(
Spot on! We all want a good healthy loving mother. We were not lucky in this regard. It is our job to protect ourselves in every way possible.
'As a child, she treated me like an adult. As an adult, she treats me like a child'. No more! 4 months no contact and never felt more calm, at peace, less anxious, free and most importantly; at 48 years of age; I finally feel like an adult and in control of my own life.💪
Good for you! Hugs
🤗 thank you @@CourageCoaching
I did not get to the end of your video but if this was not said, one of the biggest things we do need to remember is to have compassion for our mothers who are like this. It is coming from a very sad and hurt place and I find a lot of people miss that when they think of a narcissist. Covert or overt. We deem them as awful people when they are not. They are very hurt people who do and say awful things because they are hurting so much inside. My understanding is that, something or many things happened to the person to make them this way. To have this way of defence in themselves. Isn’t that what narcissism is? Their defence mechanism to deal with how inferior and shit they feel inside❤️
Yes, it is essentially what you say but the severity varies. Some of these mothers enjoy hurting their children which is incredibly sad. Not everyone can be as compassionate towards them as you are due to the awful abuse they endure. I can definitely agree with what you are saying on some level and I had this compassion for my parent but I also can't forget the abuse I endured or the effect it had on me.
@@CourageCoachingremember please that many so called narcissistic mothers are traumatized by their mother and family behaviour and can appear narcissistic and emotional and withholding because they are walking on eggshells waiting for the next attack. Children of these mothers experienced broken connections to their Mom because of this and label them as a narcissist further gaslighting them and the cycle continues. Unresolved emotions keep the cycle going and no one heals and it passes through generations. So.. is it narcissism or simply people who withhold love and cast blame to survive and find peace.
Thank You, Nailed it. Simply to add, I can replace "Mother" with "Father" and it all applies word for word sadly. So many children are struggling to understand and then accept this grotesque corruption of reasonable family relationships and absence of love. Thank You for sharing which helps light up the darkness for all. Thank You.
Wow crazyly accurate.
Even more so the fact that the last year's she used to (very openly, almost in use as a weapon) accuse my father of pervert narcissism, which was never fitting to his behavior.
In that way she was almost blaming the others for her mistakes
I sent this to one of my sisters. The assisted living center where mom lives plans to call her out on her behavior this week. She’s been bullying another resident. This will not go well!
Although this is about mothers, I am a now retired pastor, and had a deacon in my first 9 or so years who fits this pattern in many respects. He was divorced and had taken over the parenting of at least one of his daughters. I got the impression that he was possibly keeping her in that kind of "You're no good: you have to look after me" situations.
He was a Uriah Heep -- "I'm an 'umble man" -- in his interactions, and well liked by people who only knew him casually, but ever ready to undermine anyone he considered a threat to his dominance, like the pastors of a succession of churches.
Caused a lot of problems and nearly killed me through the stress.
I am sorry to hear this! Sadly it is indeed hard to spot such individuals at first but they always show their true colours in the end. Thank you for sharing!
Most of it is familiar. The biggest exception is that she doesn’t seem to be jealous of my friendships. That may be because she is one of eight and her own father discouraged friendships outside the family-there were plenty of kids to play with already.
She is now 83. In my opinion, her narcissism was less pronounced when she was younger, but has become very noticeable in the last 15 years or so-since I met my husband and started spending less time with my parents.
Wow your description of this type of mother was literally dead on. Ive been working tooo hard to heal for the last few years and have all of the enmeshment, controlling, emotionally abusive etc issues and i have also felt too like her love confuses me and that deep down she really doesnt like me much and doesnt want me to succeed in life. Although she has succeeded in maintaining an inappropriate amoung of attention, influece and manipulation which has had tremendous consequences for me. Turned 30 last november and i guess im ready to accept this devestating and so long avoided truth. 😥💔 thank you for this helpful info
Sending you strength. Watch my latest video on recovery from a narcissistic mother.
Spot on with demoting growth. My mother tried to persuade me not to take a promotion, not to relocate. She went as far as telling me I should only have 1 child. Really disturbing behavior. My sister on the other hand is the “golden child” to whom my mother refers to as Mom who takes care of her. And yes she still lives at home with her, under her control unfortunately.
Question: is there a direct association with stealing, lying and covert narcissist?
🦋🙏🫶👉🙌 Absolutely true to everything that I have found with my mom ( although I would not give her that title when it comes to being a Mother ).😔
Upon her death I will feel great relief and release. She's 87 now - toxic as ever, I will not miss her and fully expect all her worldly goods to be left to my brother - they are completely co-dependent . The only thing they have in common is their love of money
The two most damaging and hurtful things my mother has done my whole life are always playing the victim and sharing personal and private things about me behind my back.
I am sorry Nick! Yes sadly narcissists don't have boundaries or morals.
Yes, the jealousy, gaslighting, parentification, abruptly changing subjects. Never acknowledges success. My mother can't acknowledge another human beings experience all together. Every thing that goes wrong is someone else's fault, everything that goes well is becauseof her. And if she is in no way involved, she changes subject at first chance. Doesn't show a single feeling about it. Always talking behind people's backs, gossiping. She can't hold any relationship for longer than 6 month, if it isn't codependent. And she has never heard of the word boundary..
All this is true great video and I appreciate iate the video
Left when I was 19, never looked back. Succeeded more without her existing in my life. Still wish her happy holidays, birthday, Mother’s Day, and every time I have to call I get nightmares the nights before leading up to the call. I was adopted when I was 8, from Russia.
When I was younger I by mistake got some blue sharpie on the wallpaper in the bathroom (smaller then a dime spot) … she then decided to take my collection of panda bears and on all the white parts of the bears she sharpies in blue lines. I had about 15 bears. I can’t even talk or mention panda bears without thinking about this.
Another time I was making a Christmas card in my room
And I usually make cards the day before the holiday. My door was open and you can see the light was on, she passed my room and went to
The garage and started driving around block looking for me.:: comes back inside and starts yelling at me ..:: yelling because she never even checked my room she just stupidly assumed I wasn’t there.
I thank god everyday that I’m not living in the same house with her anymore.
Are you my secret sister because I think we had the same mom! No encouragement, no hugs, no comfort, no listening, punishment for no reason, took credit for all my accomplishments, ranted about faults she perceived, criticized my appearance, never let me make clothe - controlled every piece of clothing I had until I left for college. She saw that act as a betrayal and my marriage as abandonment. Awful, horrible woman. I’m nearly 60 and she died 6 years ago and I’m still trying to detox and release the anger I could not have as a child.
Thank you for sharing this! Detoxing really is a long process and I wish you continued courage! Hugs
As a hairstylist for 33 yrs, I met thousands of people over my career.
This is what I have observed most covert parents, or coverts in general to be.
A covert narcissistic mother will always compete with their child, treat them as a surrogate spouse, play favorites, secretive, sabotage their successes, jealous of others but too lazy to do better, convince them they have medical issues (that have been debunked by medical professionals)
Never give genuine compliments, only backhanded ones, are financially irresponsible, gossip incessantly, sabotage all relationships,
have some sort of addiction, ignorant but believe they are the smartest in the room, treat children great infront of strangers but abusive behind close doors, materialistic, vain, sneaky, manipulative, tear others down then 'build them up' to claim martyr status, are always perpetual victims.
Thank You So much! you nailed it for me it was exactly like this! it feels good to be finally understood. thank you!
Hypersensitive to criticism
Avoids responsibility
PA/plays the victim card
Yes yes and yes
Withholds critcal information
I found out not too long ago that my covert narc mom is a "buddhist," and has been following a famous Buddhist teacher my entire life.
I had no idea. Except it makes a lot more sense now why that one teacher triggers me so badly!
It just dawned on me listening to this video that the reason she might have kept this concealed is it absolves her from responsibility. She doesn't have to be responsible for living up to any principles if she keeps it a secret that she's "following" those principles
I feel pity towards my mom. I want to help her. How can someone be this sad and immature and still won't really accept any help. Anyway my life's mission is to make sure to not end up like my mom. Lonely, narcissistic, beeing a victim, no real hobbys, believing that I have no power in my life to change things, always rely on others etc
Subscribed. Good stuff. Helps me feel validated.
My mother and mother-in-law summed up PERFECTLY!!! My husband and I were each adopted. We have pondered the thought that perhaps our adopted mothers were incapable of conceiving for a reason. They were both married to men who provided them every comfort they could dream of and they loved catering to their husbands. We think they were not meant to be mothers. My mother was cruel in all the ways listed behind closed doors and sometimes publicly. My MIL was basically a toddler her entire life, tantrums and all. They are both gone now and hubby and I breathe a sigh of relief every day. Not even kidding.
Relief is very common after a narcissistic parent passes. You are finally free!
You described it really well.
I never have had a great relationship with my mother....she's not supportive, she doesn't talk to me about important things.. I can't go to her for chit chats. She likes to control...and yes she's not capable of being there for me....she never hugs me. And if I'm excited about something, she never asks me questions about it... I find her behaviour odd. I keep my distance more now, because I need to take care of myself now and my health issues.. it's sad when our mums are like this.
It is very sad and takes time to heal from it Jammy Jay. I wish you all the best on your recovery journey. It is indeed important to put your own health first. Hugs to you
My God - this is the complete ‘CV’ of my sister in law. She has destroyed my family behind the veneer of being the saint victim and martyr
when i got pregnant......she said "yea she pregnant". never seen the grankid since
My mom got the nickname of "Dementor" and "Führer" because she didn't like when we had fun as children, and when she lost control over us. This vid explained a lot.
Mine loved the saying that I was going to get "knocked off my high horse". Never gave me any acknowledgement for my achievements.
I'm in the stage of trying to figure out if my mother is a narcissist or not. There are certain things that she does the opposite of like shes never wanted to have me "home" for more than a year. I was raised by my grandparents then, when I thought I would finally get to live with her she insisted I go to boarding school and then she applied for University on my behalf in a different town...it's 7-8 hours away from home and now that I'm done, she kinda just left me at her sisters house. Whenever I talk about coming home she either gets upset or if she doesn't her mood changes. There was also this one time I told her I don't think my father liked me at all (he passed in 2018) and she replied " well, he liked me." and continued to rub it in my face.
My mother to a T. Its very sad. I’m 61 and she’s 81 and very mean to me. Been this way my whole life. Pathetic.
I didn't know the word to describe my mother, but I do know now after sixty years. A covert narcissist. God saved me from her clutches before she had time to completely destroy my life. Bless the Lord my God Jesus Christ.
Omg.... You just described my mother to a T! She emotionally abused me and set me up to fail so I'd stay under her control. When I broke away she settled into my nephew who's now 34 and staying with my 73yr old mom, not working or anything...
Yup. Every single bullet point on this video. It's too bad we can't show this video to our mothers to call them out. It just bounces right off of them. Sucks when you can't go no contact.
My Narcissist mother hated eveyone, she spoke badly about everyone. Four kids and because i didn't look like anyone in our family, she made me the SCAPEGOAT !!!!
It took me many years to see that Mom was the person you describe, fully dressed in postwar sheep's clothing. Fooled me.
We all need to be friends since we share the same trauma!
My mother lives with me she has for the past 10 years. I am literally at a breaking point in my life... its gotten bad. I feel helpless and hopeless. I am 40 yrs old and haven't been able to enjoy my life. I was talked into her moving in with me when I bought my house because my dad died and I felt guilty for her living alone, but I just can't take it anymore.
I am so sorry Jennifer!
@@CourageCoaching thank you
You are describing my mother to a tee. Thank you for confirming this for me.
I feel like creating a survival group of narcissistic mothers and fathers, because we are alone, so we could create an artificial "family" to survive in this chaotic world.
Ooh yes. My mother is quite different from this, due to her other psych issues. But, yes, similar in so many ways. Quite incapable of unconditional love, always self-centered, still hates my husband of 31 years (though she depends on him for so much.) She knows everything about relationships though she was married once for two years almost 60 years ago, and could never live with or even near another human. Plus incredibly demanding, and very into the drama. Now she’s elderly, she requires our help a lot. Yet she has overtly destroyed her relationships with her grandchildren. One would wish she’d be into enjoying great relationships at this point in her life, but instead it’s all about antagonistic stuff. I’d say I was sad about it, and generally I truly am in an objective way, but I disconnected my feelings a very long time ago for self-preservation.
*_"you have a very vivid imagination"_*
my partner nearly killed me, to avoid to have to face his mother. i just showed him this video to make him think.
my life and health is forever ruined
I am so sorry to hear that!
You described my mom to a T, in the 1st 2 minutes. Looking forward to the rest of the video!
I am craving for my mother’s love since childhood, but I have only received criticism and insults in return, I have accepted this fact and I am still in the process of healing ❤️🩹
When they hurt you,they totally act oblivious the next days as if nothing never happened,it's just blows my mind 😞
I hear you. Mine seems forever entitled to make whatever comments about me, head to toe (my boobs, my full lips, my protruding butt), me inside out (my character, my parenting style, my job, romantic relationship - she does not want me to have a partner as 'I've already had my chance' with a marriage that ended). The more she commented about my physical appearance, the more I turned the pain into fuel and I worked out more at the gym. Everyone in my life thought I looked amazing and that I was a good person, except my mother. She was the biggest critic in my life. If I defended myself to such a stage I lost my cool when she was running her mouth at me, I'd get gaslighting, getting blamed for everything, like how could I treat her like this, so ungrateful.. etc etc. I feel like I can never do right in her eyes. For decades. She never apologised. I had to get counselling and deal with it, time and time again. I (still) want to be a good daughter and do good where I can as she is getting old. God knows I try. Love to you all here in this forum who want to get close to your mother and do right but unable to 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Sometimes it doesn't even take that long. Sometimes, its the next moment. Its truly mind-boggling
"Emptiness" is spot on. Exactly how I've always felt. An empty shell of a person, never truly felt comforted by her hugs abd always have struggled even picking out a Mother's Day card. Constant gaslighting, emotionally immature, always about her. Moving far away was the best thing I could have ever done.
Yep, that emptiness feeling is bang-on. I liken it to an empty well...how can someone give you any comfort/support/attention/etc. when their well is totally dry and they never replenish it in a healthy way but expect you to fill it?
I can never pick out a mother's day card. I thought I was the only one.
I had no idea that mothers who don't want their adult children to move out of the house falls in line with narcissism. Wow!
Actually, my mom is like this, she will do something like we are helping you for me to feel like I don't have to find job outside my home. Right now, I am hired by a organization as my sister's care giver because my mom telling the coordinator of my sister's program that I can do as part time with helping my sister at home. I don't know how to response when the coordinator see me and asked me if I want it.
There is mothers like that who exisst? What an ordeal that would be.
My mother "kindly" ALLOWED my 31yo son and I to move into HER class C RV outside of her home after my husband passed away. We had to move from TN to do so, pretty much tossing the property I owned there to the wind as it had a reverse mortgage. I felt like it wasn't a HORRIBLE idea as my mom is getting older and I thought it best to be nearby in case she needed help.
YEAHHHHHHHHH....
I didn't know my mother...AT ALL. For most of my adult life, our communication was typically OTP every few days or so. We lived 20 minutes from each other, but she only managed to make it out to my house about 5 times in the 22 years I lived there. I always found that peculiar but didn't really think much of it because we spoke OTP so often.
Sept. 2022, Hurricane Ian destroyed EVERYTHING my son and I had as it was in her shed and got inundated with H2O all the way to the top. She never once showed any signs, other than annoyance, that she felt any sadness or remorse for what we'd lost. She was too fixated on complaining about the things of hers we were unable to salvage. It was mind boggling to watch her. After I started to SEE her for what she REALLY is, the resentment just boiled off of her regarding her ONLY CHILD, A DAUGHTER she, apparently, absolutely LOATHES. She was stealing my thoughts, twisting them into stories about herself or some non-existent "friend" and presenting them to me for my affirmation because she absolutely refuses to cultivate her mind with anything other than her money and candy crush type games. It was outrageous and disgusting to me. I was horrified and refused to give her the narcissistic supply she wanted. That was when the claws came out.
We went on a 3-week vacay with her and her husband where they treated my son and I like tenant servants. By the end of it, I was a SEETHING pot of rage just waiting for an outlet. I got it when she got back and presented me with a bill for our 'share' of the costs. Mind you, we've been paying her $1200 a month to live In the same camper. The camper was used and needed a few things done, like replace the couch and levelers. I wanted to contribute, so I paid for them. There was a PLETHORA of things I paid for. I didn't realize she was using passive/aggressive techniques to control me by guilting me into paying for things for about a year because I'd had A LOT happen in that year. But after the way they belittled us, lied to us, acted enfeebled and called us obscene names for not kowtowing to her every whim, I blew my stack and left for TN w/my son when we got back. After the 4th time of her kicking us out for simply being normal to her insanity, I'd had it. My son wasn't privy to as much of the abuse, so he couldn't really see WHY I wanted out so badly. My son and I have nothing while my mother has money and she used her advantages to keep us there. She'd replaced her class C RV with a newer Class A, of which was mostly paid for by insurance as the hurricane totaled the C that was paid off and would have covered 3/4 of the cost. She financed almost all of it so she could keep the money and let US pay for it. He got worried about them a couple of days later, so we went back, me crying like a baby the entire way. My son is OBSESSED with owning a class A and she was using that by telling him he'd inherit it, which is highly doubtful as she is unable to fathom giving something to someone out of the kindness of her heart. Upon arrival back at her house, I was so depressed, my son whisked me off to another vacation, AT HER BEHEST. She was trying to drain our bank account to keep us trapped. That 2nd vacation was our salvation, as my son was able to finally hear and see her for the damaged and damaging individual my mother really is. We got jobs and a place where we went on vacation.
I told her we were moving out in 5 days, the day we got back. Boy, oh boy, she melted down like a pyroclastic cloud when I told her my son and I were moving to a different part of the state. She tried every hoovering tactic she could and, when that didn't work, she kicked us out...again, calling me every name in the book, screeching at my son about how horrible of a mother and daughter I am, accusing me of being bi-polar when I told her she had NPD. When we left the first time, she thought I was going to my father (I haven't seen or spoken to the man in 30 years), so she called him and poisoned him to the point that he now no longer has a daughter because I DID reluctantly call him to see if he'd be willing to see me. His indifference for me hasn't changed in any way after they spoke. He can more easily write me out of any will now, I guess. Both of my parents disowned me because they're both 2 of the most selfish, venal people I've ever encountered. I'm a new Christian on top of all this, so HONOR your mother and father was a big deal for me. I'll honor them by remaining away from them, praying for them from afar and loving my Lord.
I do not hate either of my parents. They're a product of their upbringing and the times. They choose to wallow, unabashedly, in their flesh. I don't need to validate their bad behavior by staying, allowing her to destroy myself and my son.
@@angelachen9449tell the truth. Let your yes be your yes and your no be your no. Be honest, don't let anyone (or the desire to people please) speak for you. The truth will set you free. Much love.
Yep. Mine tried to convince me when I was 26 that if I moved out of the house, the cops would come and get me and put me in a crazy house. Because she was envious of me and wanted me to stay there and keep paying $350 a month for her bills and weed habit while she gaslit me and talked bad about me at my place of employment. She later denied ever saying it because of how it makes her look. I can't believe she thinks I wouldn't remember her saying something like that. Then, when i was having convulsions and a cold feeling brain/throwing up and couldn't eat for a week, plus other symptoms, she told me it was all in my head and I sign I was just mentally not right. Even pulled my doctor out of the room when I went to go see one with her and they came back in saying it is clearly all in my head and I need to see a therapist and take antidepressants, both of which I refused because I can see straight through her. They will try to convince you you're too mentally ill to make it away from them like mine did me for no reason.Turns out my current doctor referred me to a neurologist instead of crazymaking me.
Unbelievably concise. The added layer of martyrdom to a covertly narcissistic person is pure poison.
And crazy-making!
I've always thought my mother's selfishness was to do with her schizophrenia, but recently I've come to realise that her behaviour outside of psychosis is extremely covertly narcissistic. My mother is also a martyr which, like you say, is pure poison and like @bumblebee_mrs says, "crazy-making".
@@ria2159 Thanks, my NM was also a martyr, exhausted me to bits. I'm sorry you went thru this too.
Yeah but again, within the martyrdom they can have this amazing talent for making you feel guilty or selfish for not sacrificing the way she would...by showing how hurt she is
I broke my jaw by falling down the stairs as a baby and my mom would tell other adults that I suffered a brain injury. This was nothing the doctor had suggested. She eventually started calling it a 10 second delay and if I did something wrong she would say “are you a ‘resource’ kid?” or “are you retarded?” My grades were generally A&B average but even then she felt the need to tell my teachers that I had a brain injury every single parent teacher conference. It always infuriated me and embarrassed me. She regularly made me question my intelligence as an effort to make me rely on her.
My heart goes out to anyone who is watching this video, good luck in your journeys! Forget the unfair, untrue, and unrealistic narrative you were told as a child and be who YOU want to be!
I am so sorry for what you have been through!
holy shit. That is so awful. I'm so sorry you were embarrassed and made to question your own capabilities. Really really sad stuff. Reading your comment made my jaw drop.
If it helps you in any way my mother shared a very similar dynamic. There is/nothing wrong with you likely your teachers and others who looked past that narrative knew you to be a very bright young person. I still struggle with wanting to have a "normal" personal relationship with my mother but know that it's something she mat never be capable of without becoming abusive these individuals seem to have no remorse no lasting empathy for how they may have behaved perhaps it's buried deep but I believe a person cannot process things until their able to admit unto themselves honestly stripped down to their core that they've been an abuser and desire to change don't spend your life searching for a whole hearted apology or living in that past place you deserve peace and you deserve to be happy.
Have you heard of munchausen by proxy? It sounds like that’s what your mom may have been doing
That's blatantly evil. What she did.
There is this message too from covert narcissistic mothers, "You can't be happy if I'm not happy and I'm not happy because you don't give me what I want".
Crazy -making!
They are the most miserable people. Untrustworthy liars.
Well damm
Yup!
As a child, if you grew up seeing a nurturing woman and wishing that she was your mother, then that’s definitely a sign that you had a narcissist mother.
Mine always tried to destroy my friendships from the age of 10 until I finally got the memo and just stopped bringing people around. Eventually, she would “throw in my face “ that I had no friends. But that wasn’t the case, I simply caught on and just hid my friendships.
When I had surgery, she was shocked that I had good friends who would visit me at the hospital. My parents would fawn at how beautiful my friends were. And when they didn’t see them, they would weirdly ask me “ are you not friends anymore?” Why would any sane person ask such a question???
What’s odd is that, she’s like the pillar of the community and has so many friends all over the world but she somehow always felt that she had to gatekeep “friendship”, like only people liked her but not me. I’m in my 30’s now and looking back I always thought that was weird behavior from a parent as a child but it’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the thick of it.
Another trait is: Chaos & Havoc. My mom would come home from church and start fights. She loved calling the police because she always needed an audience when dishing out humiliation.
Growing up, I knew that she was off, there were so many instances of craziness but I just had to bid my time and grow up to leave and reparent myself. I never felt the intimate bond of mother/daughter.
Crucial trait: lack of depth, selective memory and triangulation amongst siblings.
Over the years, I’ve tried to maintain a “relationship” with my parents. Due to the cycle, I recently dissolved the our relationship for good. Between dealing with a narcissist husband and my parents, it all become too much for me and it just clicked. I don’t communicate with anyone anymore, indefinitely. The relief I feel significantly outweighs the occasional sadness and loneliness.
Being the offspring of narcissists, I subconsciously became a narcissist magnet. I’ve become “sensitive” and could sense them but never really knew that it was narcissism. I just recall that their vibe feels “familiar”. That familiarity is dangerous, it means that we were groomed for narcissistic abuse. My awakening has happened recently, and I’ve since identified that my mom is a narcissist, so my boundaries have increased and are enforced. Narcissists hate boundaries.
I am so sorry for your experience..We were definitely groomed for narcissistic abuse from our childhood and the fact that it feels familiar is what makes it so dangerous! Thank you for sharing!
Wow this comment really resonates with me. Whilst I am yet to physically untangle myself from my narc ties I am gradually withdrawing from them emotionally and socially. I believe they call it the ‘grey rock method’
As I do not trust myself to choose healthy relationships right now I instead focus on my pets who bring me great joy and get me out of bed each day 😻🐶🐶
@@ronesss33 I was exactly at that stage your current in only a two months ago. Getting out of bed was hard and my grief manifested suddenly in lower back pain. The storm has passed and today, I feel better…. Like the fog is lifting. Take it day by day…. Literally.
I’ve enlisted the help of energy healers to heal my chakras because as well as therapy. But sometimes, therapy has its limits. I’m also looking into microdosing shrooms to help repair my brain. I can’t believe that I’m trying alternative methods and treatments to heal myself. I was the kind of person that wouldn’t even take aspirins for headache.
@@ronesss33 same I feel like I can only make friends once I'm mentally healed, until then I'm not gonna risk being hurt again
OMG This is my mom to the letter. She'd call the police and then get arrested for things like oh assaulting two cops, domestic violence, harrassment, etc. and then say that we called the police and we cheering them on while they beat her even though it was on 5 different body c ameras and my phone. But yes I had a psychiatrist who was textbook NPD and I got the vibe the moment I met him but I ignored it...fast forward 3 years later and he was regularly storming out of sessions, yelling, crying, acting passive aggressive to the point of being forced to resign abruptly. These people are satan incarnate.
I felt like you were describing my own mother exactly. I'm 52 years old and have had therapy on and off for years to deal with the trauma of both of my parents' narcissism and abuse. My father passed away several years ago, but my mother is still living. The hardest part for me is continuing to wish I had a real mother. I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away. My mother talks nonstop and acts like she thinks she is the popular girl at school. She's extremely immature and self-centered. Now that she is in her 70s, she clearly thinks that I and my two sisters should be doting on her. She's a constant "victim" and never, ever takes any accountability toward her own part in things that have happened in her life. The second hardest part for me is knowing that so many people buy into her lies.
You just described my mother. My father was the opposite and didn't have a say in anything or maybe after a while he just didn't care. He was a really good person but unfortunately died 10 years, and she's become more and more narcisistic after his passing, which is pathetic since she's in her 70s.
I think thats just women from that time they never had to take responsibility they were allowed a lack of accountability because all they did was stay in the kitchen now women have that same attitude with responsibilities and its really hurt the economy
I can second that. People still buying into her lies. But those women feel so confident in their lies, they lied their whole life and it comes totally natural to them. There is no shame or taking responsibility, just more lies and gaslightning. It can drive one nuts.
@@justmy2cents652 It really makes you go like society cannot function with these people if there is anyone that it should be legal to kill its those types of people. Its why I leave serial killers who kill certain groups alone and give em a thumbs up. I honestly think we need them for society to function
I feel as you do about wishing I had a real mother. I often used to be surprised when others expressed their love for their mothers and hated myself for not loving mine. I eventually worked out that I actually do love her in a way but I hate her actions and that I would never have her approval no matter what I did to make her happy. I have to look after my own happiness especially under the circumstances I am now living. She is 87, I am 66 and my brother is 62. We are all living at present in my 2 bedroom home. My brother sleeps in the lounge but he is needed because my mom will insist on telling the whole neighbourhood that I beat her up. So my brother is cooking and caring for her since she trusts him more than me.
Sorry this was in reply to the gentleman in his 50's response.
My mum is also a covert narcissist and it has been awful..I never felt comforted by her and was constantly supporting her through my childhood! Thanks for the video!
I can relate to you. This is how it was for me.
@@ca6248 It's awful isn't it?
Yes!!!
So sad that you had to suffer through this as well..Peace and healing to you
Yep, same. You having emotions makes them uncomfortable and even angry. But when they're upset, including when they are having a meltdown because you dared to tell them something they did hurt you, you are expected to support and comfort and listen to them. You end up comforting your mother for the fact that they hurt you.
my mom has never been supportive of me and does not love me unconditionally. i have always felt stifled by her presence and that i was not allowed to be me, she wanted me to be like her and if i did not fit the narrative i would be passive aggressively punished for it. she did the silent treatment often and would act more cold to me when i wasn’t being who she wanted me to be. i was not allowed to choose my own clothing, or haircuts, i was not allowed to paint my nails or express myself in any way without her permission or stamp of approval. she decorated my room in her style and i wasn’t allowed to put my art on the walls or personalize it to a space of my own. my entire childhood felt like a prison and i never understood why because on the surface everything seemed normal but inside i always felt a pain and an emptiness and no warmth.
I am so sorry for your experience!
Wow. My mom did the exact same. Picked all my clothes, my grooming, all media I consumed, all decorations in my room. I've never understood it.
@@amberinthemist7912 One of my fondest memories of my late dad was him taking me to the hardware store so I could make a custom paint color for my room, I was 9 years old. total opposite of my mother. He must have struggled so much with her, I never thought about it. He would just do whatever he wanted it seemed, will nilly, probably to keep sane. I recently realized I probably dress so plain and in black all the time because of my long habit of not wanting to be looked at. Anything that made me stand out brought unwanted attention from mom.
I am constantly saying my mother is smothering me too. I have to keep it a secret where I am going because she will show up. She wants to insert herself into every facet of my life. I can't get any space of my own and I am 46 freaking years old.
@@amandabeachum188 move many states away if you can. it has helped me but not fixed everything! I also just unfriended her on social media.
I'm 41.
Everything you describe is my mother. Every single thing. I’m in process of no contact finally at 49. I’m having to do it gradually and subtly because she creates such chaos and sabotages me so badly that I suffer for years. I’ve been scared to do this as I am chronically I’ll (from all my narcissistic family members) and she will send me into the hospital from the stress if I am not very careful. Just have to get back on my feet and then I can let go completely.
She has sabotaged my whole life and I’m turning 50 this summer and have to rebuild myself and my life from scratch. Thank you 🙏
I wish you the best of luck on your journey of recovery! It is never too late to reach that place of peace.Hugs to you
I can totally relate to your challenges - especially with chronic health issues.
Hang in there, fellow human!! You got this!!
❤❤❤
❤oh lord its the same evil person as mine.😢bless you
I can really relate. Im
43 and finally serious about boundaries. Ive tried in the past and she caused so much drama that I relented, but she continues to rip open old wounds so I am serious this time. Best of luck to you!
I was my mother’s mother my whole childhood and now I’m setting boundaries because I understand her she does not like it at all. It’s such a battle since I’m still young (23) and I achieved so much more than her it’s is an uphill battle every single day. Stay strong guys 💪🏼
You're blessed to have an awareness of this at such a young age. You've saved yourself decades of pain, suffering, toxic relationships etc.
Be strong, sweetheart. You can do this!
I am 21 and a male. The disgust and betrayal I feel after realizing the way me and my siblings were manipulated for years is sickening and violating. It’s awesome you’re able to heal from this keep it up !!
Never take up another's burdens.
Please never let her meet any children you might have. I didn’t and avoided so much pain I see in support groups.
Thank you for making this video. Growing up & recently I felt as if I was alone in this. As a society and my parents always told me “respect your parents” but never gave me the respect as I did them. My mother has always been jealous of all my accomplishments. Buying a house with my husband, getting married, graduating college, & now we have a baby girl on the way. Over a year ago I decided to cut my parents off for good. Many critize me for doing this. “How could you?” “Those are your parents!” “You are taking your child away from having grandparents”, I am taking my child away from a toxic repetitive cycle. That’s what I am doing. It was the hardest decision I had to make, but it was the best for my overall health & marriage. Thank you thank you for sharing your story. ❤
Congrats Alli, for being able to make this healthy and strong decision!! 🧡
Well done - better to do it at this stage of life than later - as they have more time to infect your marriage, your children and make you feel indebted to them when they are older and need care. They do not become sweet old ladies (except in front of others) and will suck up all your time and energy so that you cannot live your life. Using guilt inducing language and tactics to keep you under their control. They will also rally their troops so that they make sure you are not ‘neglecting’ this poor selfless, amazing woman who has given her life to make you the person you are today (according to her). Well done for having the fortitude and strength to make this decision now - unlike myself and others who in mid life regret the fall out and struggle to deal with the ongoing pain and trauma. All the best to you and your family 😻
You did great for your unborn baby
You’re an inspiration! Well
done. You’re wise beyond your years.
I think a part of me hasn’t started that chapter because I don’t want to face her reaction/involvement in it. It’s like I’ve wanted to get her away so I can live. Reading what you wrote helps. I do wonder if cutting off will help me live my life.
Ding! Ding! Ding! This is 100% my story with my mother. I've never heard anyone else talk about the empty hugs. It was routine, not warm. I thought I was the problem. I was raised to be her best friend. By eight years old, I was counseling her. I'm still digging and assessing the depth of this. Final thought, the enmity she put between me and my sister left us estranged. She could never have a good relationship with us both at the same time. I've known that for years; I just didn't know why.
Sadly it has taken me 46 years, 2 abusive and toxic marriages and seeing the narcissistic abuse start to happen to my children before I realised what the woman I was born to was capable of. No contact was the most liberating decision I have ever made and is giving me space to heal and find out who I actually am.
Very similar to me. I started to do the research because of a particularly abusive relationship and it still took me a few years to realise that my mum is a covert narcissist!
For a long time I’ve been suspecting on/off that my mother may be a narcissist when I thought it was just my father. I’ve read Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and she fits a lot of those traits to a T. But this video really made me pause, because I’ve been confused these past couple of days. She’s clingy and is always interested in where I am but never asks how am I doing unless she wants me to do something for her. Thank you for this video, because it really makes me understand the painful truth: the constant guilt tripping and blaming me for being stuck in the past after confronting her about the emotional abuse, are all signs that she may be narcissistic 😢
Same here! Mine is evil! She just knows how to hide, but she is the ring leader. My whole life i thought my dad overt was the devil, but its this woman, my own mother! It’s sickening and I hope the Creator cuts her life early! She is hell!
"what so it's my fault you're like this?" Yes and now that I know that, I wanna change
Or BorderlinePD with narcissistic tendencies.
Oof..... the "being stuck in past" part hits hard. No, we're not "stuck" in the past, the hurt is there. It's always been there.
This is 100% my mom. I feel like you have known her my whole life. She is the reason I am in therapy and why I left home at 17 and honestly I have no idea how to handle her behavior either personally or in public. Almost all of my stress comes from her and watching this both reassured me and made me want to cry.
This describes my mother exactly, thank you for the clarity. I wasn't sure about being a Narcissist, because she is childish/victim so often. I'd like to add secrecy, being fake posh, gossiping the negative, moving house a lot, and bizarrely rude to innocent retail staff. Mother's Day is coming up, best wishes everyone x
This also perfectly describes my mother saying I make her ill…unbelievable she is awfully toxic
My mom is also extremely rude. It's embarrassing and makes being around her in the presence of other people awful.
Yo that being fake posh got me rolling 🤣
Haha mine is exactly this including fake posh 😂
Ah. It just clicked as to why my mom never liked any of my friends. She would never say why she didn't like them, or help me see why they might be trouble, but would just tell me I should stop hanging out with them. All of them. So I never introduced any of my friends to her, and she believed I had no friends. Which I think made her happy.
Giving birth doesnt make you a mother. I was made the family scapegoat by my loveless self-important covert narcissist "mother". Such great damage done to my sense of self, self-esteem, and feeling of wellbeing. I hope one day by some kind of means, she has to feel all the pain she has orchestrated in her selfish, manipulative life. I know she suffered trauma in her childhood, but this is no justification for her insidious behaviour. To be this calculated in her long-term systematic abuse is totally indefensible. At 48 years old I have finally had enough and have entirely woken up, and she can tell. There was a recent threat pertaining to be written out of the will. This was the last straw for me, its not that I care about the money, I am prepared to forfeit any inheritance in place of my freedom. It was a confirming and revealing moment for this to happen, it was so clear it was their last trump card to try to control me, because they could sense I was gaining my own strength of character and resisting their rules. It has also become apparent what role extended family and siblings have played in this dynamic so I have cut these people out of my social sphere as well.
You have to lose it all, but you gain your sanity and freedom. Do it soon, wake up quick and reclaim your life while you still have time.
I went no contact with my CN mother when my 1st son was born because I wanted to protect him. It's now been 5 years, and I dont regret my decision to go no contact 1 bit. I now struggle with being happy for my siblings' accomplishments because she always put us against each other, competing to be her favorite and feeling like #1 in her eyes. Im fully aware of my emotions and that it's not right to not be happy for siblings' accomplishments, and my brain was trained to think this was by my CN mother. How do I rewire my brains immediate response to be happy and feel joy for them instead of the instant jealous/competitive feeling when some thing good happens in my siblings' lives? Even though deep down I am truly happy for them and love them very much!
@@brittanyc27 You can only be conscious and aware when that tendency arises, and to recognize it not as your own but what was instilled in you. It will subside more and more as you simply observe it without being negative towards yourself for noticing it.
Sounds like we have had very similar experiences. I have been in and out of therapy ever since I was 15 years old. Narcissist’s can cause damage that is very challenging to resolve, and unfortunately I ended up marrying one. Ending that 23 year mistake soon.
Yep I hate how women say they're special cause they can give birth. We have artificial wombs now you're Not special to begin with misandrist
@@donapaulin2600 Yes, the abuse is all very similar, they say narcissists worldwide appear to have all read from the same playbook, which is a phenomena worth investigating in itself. I had a string of emotionally distant and narcissist partners (8 years the longest, with a covert narc),
this is what lead me to join the dots back to my family (with the help of psychologists on UA-cam) and covert narcissist mother and realize I was the family scapegoat who had been groomed to accept abuse and have no boundaries and had my personality invalidated which resulted in terrible self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
There is a stigma in society against criticizing mothers and a belief that women arent abusive. This needs to be corrected, the amount of female abuse of males goes unaccounted for because males dont report it out of shame. The female narcissist knowingly leverages these societal stigmas and taboos to their advantage, hiding behind the nurturing image of a woman / mother. They have 2 faces, the demon and the saint, one for public, one for behind closed doors.
My weak enabling stepfather and 2 sisters were also implicit in the scapegoat abuse, they were manipulated and brain-washed by my mother to do so, but they also had many chances not to do it and see the toxic dynamic, but they all prefer to keep it all going because it suits them, at least they arent the scapegoat. So in the end I had to distance myself from all of them. There was extended family also involved, my stepfathers sister turned out to be narcissistic (makes sense because he is weak and subservient and was likely the scapegoat of his own family, he had alcoholic parents, so did my mother) and be in league with my mother, gossiping and swapping information about me. I noticed some toxic behavior from her and joined the dots there also. It really was a matter of puzzle pieces that made a picture in the end, and the picture was ugly, but also liberating.
Thank you for this video. I’ve blamed myself so much for the narc abuse from my mother and I am finally realizing what she is, this is 100% her. I was the scapegoat child. She’s gaslit me into believing I caused my own mental illness, killed our family cat, intentionally makes me angry for her own gratification (I have BPD) never wanted to teach me life skills then complains when I mess up in life, gossiped to her friends about me telling them I’m just mentally ill but never her contributions to that, said I need to be in a home for people like me, pitted my siblings against me, gaslit my abuse etc. Her mother is a narcissist and she grew up to be exactly like her mother. I refuse to be the same to my children.
I am so sorry for the awful abuse you endured!
Same. Our mothers could be great friends 😒 I hope your healing journey is giving you some peace.
Great video. Very helpful! My mom was a chronic interruptor, too. It drove me nuts! So much subliminal negative programming, also, all the while treating me as the golden child. I was an extremely crazy, mixed up kid, and later went on to have many narcissistic traits myself. Between the grace of God, a wonderful psychotherapist, and more grace of God, I think I'm finally getting my head on straight. Thank you for sharing all you did.
I can relate to much of what you’re saying! For some reason I’ve always felt like the golden child and resented myself for getting my moms favoritism which is actually really gross and still very subliminal programming of “you’re not smart, you’re weak, you’re awkward, you don’t understand life, you won’t be successful”,
And it’s so hard because she did push me to go to college and would sometimes try to ask me if I needed help or to talk, but this only happened once I was 20-23 (I’m 23 now and I’ve moved away from my parents’ place and zone of authority) and the damage has already been done. I can’t see my mom as the person she wants to be now because i retraumatized myself in the same way and I no longer trust her. Yet in some ways I know she hasn’t changed all that much. She has always been very devout church woman and I think that she is a lot more fair and polite and honest than she would be without it-- that is to say, she would have been a full blown manipulative covert narcissistic mother instead of the medium one that she was/is.
🕊️ happy for you that you’ve found peace.