How Healthy Boundaries Prevent Narcissistic & Psychopathic Manipulation
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- Опубліковано 27 кві 2024
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This video answers the questions: Can I discuss manipulation and boundaries? What are some signs of manipulation? Healthy boundaries are actually a great defense against manipulation. Even though anybody can be manipulated under the right circumstances, healthy boundaries certainly reduce the chances of that.
Here are some examples of potentially manipulative behavior:
- lying
- critical, judgmental (pointing out weaknesses)
- strong emotions (negative & positive), anger, violent gestures, staring
- appearing desperate
- being pressured for an immediate decision
- use past statements to make you seem inconsistent
- gaslighting
- arguing after hearing “no”
- distorting your words
- acting immaturely
- trying to bypass reason - “follow your heart” “go with gut feeling”
- unclear answers, evasive
- superficial charm
- avoiding surveillance cameras, onlookers
- oversharing in an effort to gain reciprocity (to use it against you)
- not reacting to your discomfort or obvious signs of wanting to end the discussion
- saying one thing, but doing another
- not listening
- physical contact when clearly uncomfortable
- emphasize a commonality - trying to make a connection
- wanting you to do something that is not typical for the kind of relationship you have
Hopwood, C. J. (2014). The maturation of narcissism: Commentary for the special series “Narcissistic personality disorder-New perspectives on diagnosis and treatment.” Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 5(4), 448-449
Noggle, R. (2018). Manipulation, salience, and nudges. Bioethics, 32(3), 164-170.
Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road?
A: They thought it was a boundary.
Good one!
😂😂
Dr. Larry Mitchell - hahah!! ...love the humor in the midst of complete madness!!
Dr. Larry Mitchell That was awesome!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
To the signs of manipulation, I would like to add: doing things for you or giving you things you didn’t ask for, so you will feel indebted to them later and agree to what they want.
I like giving things,,, but not asking anything in return,,, just simply like to share what I think is good
So true, they do it so they can get something from you later.
MaDonna referenced that in her song from the 90s, called Keep It Together: "Just giving to get something, always wanting something back."
That is exactly what this person does. She tagets needy people.She is extreemly skilled with a high IQ. She's super religious and has clout in society. I am disabled. I was told to report her abuse. But it wouldn't do any good. In fact it would cause me harm. I would not be believed and I would get very severy blow back. She's covert. Behind my back she collects phone numbers of my friends and neighbors. I find out she's been revealing to them all kinds of private details about my life. If we have a falling out she turns one of them against me.tyangulate. she does things that gets me very sick. She sexually touched me. If I hurt her feelings she will antagonize me next time we're in public till I get pissed. I have a head injury and use a wheelchair. She will be super sweet and helpfully.Lavish me then leave me stranded.twice when I moved twice. She would get really controlling about the move.she told me she was leaving for three hours and I was to have five boxes on the back of her truck when she got back. I can't pack that fast and I can't put one box on her truck. Good grief. She comes up with these insane ideas then keeps pressuring me to do them. I had an apartment. She said she would rent me a washer and dryer for the apartment. The rental company comes over and tells her there's no place to vent the dryer. Only if the manager drilled a hole in the floor. Well for two months this lady kept constantly pressuring me to "have to rental company drill a hole in the floor." I kept telling her it didn't work that way and why. But she just kept badgering me to do it.she might say it 12 times in one conversation. Finally I called the rental company and had them explain to her. She dismissed everything I say. Unless it's something positive about her religion.
Sometimes it's a good thing to look a gift horse in the mouth, or even refrain from accepting it.
The more I learn, the easier it is to forgive myself for not knowing. I've been surrounded by manipulation for 50 years. Thanks for giving info, clarity, tools and hope🙏
It is hard to understand. It took me a long, long time to recognise it too. ❤
Yes I feel the same.
I got 38 years of being a victim of the dark triad and I’m so much stronger because I reversed engineered the mental torment and now I’m practicing the art of persuasion.
Well you beat me with one year to spare. I was 51 and that was a year and a 1/2 ago. Hard to recognize it when you grow up with it and don't understand why things are so messed up.
Absolutely!!! We all were fooled because it’s not possible for a normal well adjusted person to figure out what’s wrong! We know something is off but we don’t know why until we are educated.
Another sign of manipulation: A person overreacts emotionally, when you point to the reason for which they try to manipulate.
I call them Drama Llamas. They distract/deflect/project - it's anyone or anything else's fault.
Victimization. The favorite way for people to manipulate.
💯
Yeah because you've called them out and now they're embarrassed.
When i said ," cousin W please talk nicely" she said " OH CAROL I CANNOT SAY A WORD!" ( not at all what I said)).
Its kind of hard to set a healthy boundary wit your mom if she is a psychopath or a narcissist. Sometimes it's more safe to just never talk to your parent again. That is the unfortunate truth for many victims of abuse today.
100 percent agree i had to do the same thing
I agree 👍🏻
My mother is the same and I have only spoken to her once in 2 years.
Every child thinks their mother is a narcissist, rather than seeing they are just as insecure and anxious like you. You may have no idea what they may have gone through especially to raise another human being. Distancing never helps anybody
Whatever their issues I have learnt to keep a healthy distance.
My narcissistic mother destroyed my boundaries. It's made me very vulnerable to predators but I'm learning.
Cecilia Leon I was allowed no boundaries, sense of self or even heard as a child. I now have poor judge of character I am too lenient. I constantly work on a sense of self.....hoping to have a good balanced relationship.....one day 🕉
@@mariecrowe8843 I'm sorry you have to go through this. We can heal, so we must learn all we can and practice new behavior. There is always hope. It took me a long time but I'm in a good relationship now, we're married 11 years. It still takes work and I will always have more healing to do.
Same here. I didn't even know I was entitled to boundaries until a few years ago. I need to practice my boundaries a lot. It doesn't come naturally
@@mariecrowe8843 I relate with this so much, and I'm sorry you've had that experience, but I'm proud of you for overcoming.
*internet hugs* I'm sorry to hear that. Similar mother here, messed up my sister too we both married (and divorcing) men who physically and sexually abused us. She made sure we didn't have any healthy boundaries, privacy, or self respect so in my opinion she groomed us for domestic abuse and spousal rape (that those behaviours are normal in a male-female relationship). Good for YOU to be working on your health and happiness. You are a better person than your mom❤️
When you're not manipulative at all it is very difficult to understand that some people are manipulative. It takes learning about their personality types & to experience it to learn that, in my opinion.
I agree. You don't think they would consider manipulating you, the more we learn about these types the better.
Yep same. Honest people have a hard time spotting lies at first... because they don't know how to lie. Same with manipulation.
@nethervvoid I considered myself honest during the years I dated my wife however I found myself under a possessive controller, I didn’t think much of it at the time since she was pretty and was possessive of me which kind of turned me on (at age 27). “She didn’t want to lose me” is what I always told myself and I wound up marrying her, we are still struggling with her highly controlling behavior and it’s sad that I’ve had to utilize some covert routes to deal with her not getting angry that people don’t comply with her dictates. You can call this “manipulative” but I see it as navigating a minefield. I wish I could be honest and just do and say what I want but then I’m being a “selfish bad husband” always me at fault for everything. The real me wants to get out at times but we have adorable kids that I refuse to leave for anything. Me standing up for myself or defending my own positions on things (such as bad behavior of my wife) has gotten me accused of manipulation. Any argumentative defense I put up that doesn’t submit to her authority is considered “manipulation & twisting” she’s always right & I’m always wrong.
@@chris8878 please please see a therapist it really wotrks
@@chris8878 Sounds like she's a Narcissist. My parents were narcs and she sounds just like them. My parents gaslighted me that I was a bad child when I tried to stand up for myself. Like the other commenter says, pls get help - if going to a therapist isn't an option, then there are tons of mental health channels on Toutube. Get help not just for yourself, but for your kids. They'll likely grow up narcissistic or codependent and continue the cycle.
My therapist told me something that I will never forget, I keep it with me to this day. “Trust your gut, it is never wrong. When you try to override it with your head, that’s where depression, anxiety, and manipulation starts”. Stay safe out there y’all, the more we go through the more we learn and can get better❤️
Gut instinct is different to lust. Sam Vaknin says trust your gut instinct. Your gut is part of your brain. We’re taught to ignore our gut instinct by those who wish to manipulate us for their own ends.
Well said Sir 🤠, perfectly put. Just started therapy myself (few months ago)
Say a prayer,hold a good thought for me, throw salt over your shoulder,send horseshoes, clover.......
Or whatever else you think 🤔 of. Thank you for your comment Sir. Have a great one 😉
I think you missed the point he presents in this video. You are probably being manipulated when someone tells you to trust your gut, go with your heart because they are urging you to bypass your reasoning. You are most vulnerable to this if you aren’t a reasoning person in the first place. When your identity is your emotions and not much else is you are very vulnerable to this type of manipulation. And by “ you” I mean “a person” so please don’t get offended and believe that I am at ting you. Ok, feely person.
@@elsagrace3893 that's pretty cynical and presumptuous. You may consider that you are the one who missed something in the context and the subtext along the way. Not to say that you have, bit you may consider that possiblity for the sake of others and in the tradition of polite conversation. 🙃
@@jimig399 you did not listen to the video. You heard what you already believed. I have no need to be polite to you or anyone else because polite is your judgment which you are 100% responsible for. I am pointing out that what you think was said I. The video is not what was actually said. This is provable by listening to the video again carefully without your preconceived ideas filtering the speaker’s words.
A few of Dr. Grande's tips:
1. Learn to operate under all types of pressure.
2. Change boundaries based on observable behaviour, not your feelings.
3. Don't move people from one status to another, e.g., acquaintance to friend, too quickly.
4. Some people start off respecting boundaries then become more manipulative over time, even years, so continue to exercise healthy boundaries inside established relationships.
It's so hard to not have feelings involved when it's your daughter. She's my problem.
I think feelings are ok just make decsions from observable. behavior.
Cathy Tilford , mine too. I wish Dr. Grande would do a video on how to deal with or keep your sanity when the Narcissist is your own grown child. It’s not as easy to walk away or disown them.
Sandy Marchbank Try not to get sidetracked or make excuses for the required steps because your Narc is your child. The required healthy steps are the same for everyone. You can say, I’m working on some self improvement skills and modifications so I won’t be avail as much. After a period of time and distance, you can establish minimal contact with your predefined healthy boundaries. You are responsible for allowing people to cross your boundaries. If you stand your ground and remain consistent they will look for others to manipulate and leave you alone.
I am starting to learn over again how to be a good student here too. Like using short and sweet lists in comments made during student activities.
This is my favorite video in the whole wide world. You have encapsulated in 24 minutes what it took me a lifetime to figure out on my own.
cloisterene
Most people suck!:(
Me too and I’m nearly 50😆 I had NO IDEA boundaries even existed! 😲 I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household and just was not taught how to protect myself 🙄 I was subsequently bullied, sexually abused and also mistreated by people I thought were friends 👭 Watching this fabulous channel of videos and information is literally helping me protect myself and my young family from toxic relationships and unhealthy people 🧐 Thank you, thank you Dr Grande, you have helped me and so many or people with your evidence based work and videos, explaining psychology and relationships 🙏🙏
@@adhdsuperpowers1257 Me too, a very horrible emotionally abusive childhood and in my 60s now and finally hearing about having boundaries which is a new concept for me. Bullied, raped, emotionally and physically abused and not even knowing that I could have simply rejected contact with the abusers.
Same here 🙋♀️ thanks a million 👏👏👏👏
Me too..
Setting boundaries are one of the coolest things I've ever learned. Ever!
Hallelujah!
Setting them is one thing. Enforcing them is quite another.
@@juliebraunschweig2108 Absolutely. You need to pick your battles if you are stuck with a manipulative person and it is fairly upsetting to deal with the reaction.
Me too !!
Yep!! I had a volunteer co-worker who, out of the blue, asked me to pick him up at the airport and drive him home, then asked that I come inside the airport and help him pick up his luggage!! Red Flags!! I did pick him up and drive him home but told him I was not able to come inside and help with his luggage. It still drove me insane!! I drove over 60 miles from my house to the airport, then driving him home, then dropping him off. I also know he has a daughter who lives in his same city. WTF?!! He had obviously tagged me as a sucker.
I am in therapy for borderline personality disorder. and I can say that when I was manipulating I didn't always realize that's what I was doing. My mom is a covert narcissis and most of my family is narcissistic. Direct communication is seen as a threat, so out of fear we built up defenses by manipulation. It takes years of therapy and being self aware to heal this.
Sorry to hear that. I fear that I may have this too, but how do you feel about being labelled as that? I read online that some people that are given that diagnosis, they find it stigmatising to their trauma. Not to get personal but what’s your experience like after being labelled as BPD?
I am glad to hear of your awareness and progress!
I don't understand how u can be manipulative without having an ulterior motive
@@SeeMeRolling you wouldn't right? Lol
@@jenofhearts I have been diagnosed w BPD among other things
1.l. Lying
2. Pointing out faults/weaknesses
3. Uses strong emotions...especially out of nowhere. Or if they suddenly get angry
4. Someone appears desperate or acts desperate.
5. Pressuring you for an immediate decision.
6. Uses past statements to blame you or get you to do something.
7. Arguing after you’ve answered. Won’t take your answer until they win. A form of gaslighting.
8. They restate/paraphrase you words and distort them.
9. When someone acts Immaturely.
10. Is is a big sign. “Why don’t you act on your guts.”
11. Gives you unclear answers. Things don’t make sense.
12. Superficial charm. Charming but not a lot of depth.
13. Exerts pressure over a length of time.
Thanks for this clear organization
My entire life has been manipulated by covert narcissists in my family.I am 54 years old and still find it very difficult to not place trust in these people.Its a gradual process. I now realise I have been betrayed many times with out knowing it.I am so glad that I now some insight about what has/is going on.
Thank you for this. I wish I had learned this when I was 12. Would have saved a lot of drama, insanity, and emotional abuse. I -- just -- had NO idea.
Exactly! WITH ALL THE DOCORS, PSYCHOLOGIST, PSYCHIATRIST, EDUCATORS ETC AND THRU OUT THE DECADES YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD HAVE STEPPED UP TO TEACH US, TO LET US KNOW ABOUT MANIPULATORS AND GASLIGHTING NARCS AND THEIR COVERT EVILNESS! BUT "NO" THAT WAS WITHHELD FROM US, MANIPULATING US FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH FROM KNOWING ABOUT THEM AND THEIR EVIL WAYS. I GUESS ITS BEEN FUN FOR THE NARCS WATCHING US SUFFER. WELL, YOUR TIME'S UP! CHARADES IS OVER!! I GUESS THE ONE'S IN THE KNOW COULDNT STOP TECHNOLOGY AND UA-cam. THE NARCS COULDN'T MANIPULATE UA-cam😊WE WERE DESTINED TO FIND OUT. THANK YOU UA-cam!!!💞💝 AND THANK YOU TO THE ONE'S THAT HAVE STEPPED UP HERE TO HELP STOP THE ABUSE! YOU HAVE TAKEN THE RIGHT PATH AGAINST EVIL. PRAY FOR EVERYONE THAT DID NOT SURVIVE THE ABUSE. WE ARE HERE FOR THEM.🙏
Narcs are the epitome of this. A person that isn’t a narc couldn’t imagine that people actually act like they do. So you never see it coming. Unless you are a doctor or health professional trained to know these thing. The only silver lining is once you have been or are going threw it you can see it coming or try to avoid it if possible. If and when I finally get free and away from my narcissist husband, I’ll be happy to be single and free. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get married again or at least it will take time and hard emotional work to be able to love and trust again. It will probably be another 10 years at least so my kids will be out of the house and nothing will be holding me back anymore. Then I’m running for the hills. 🏃♀️💨💨💨
Thank you, Dr. Grande. You may or may not know it, but you're making a huge impact on the lives of people all around the world
@@VM-123 i have the same kind of family... my sibling is just like my narcissist dad... there are a lot of mental abuses in the family.. i am the scapegoat and they used to displace all their negative emotions towards me... it left a longlasting pain in me
no contact and stay strong.
have a good week, and rock out.
I was taught from the beginning of my life NOT to have boundaries! No boundaries and no expectations for me. However I was taught at all cost to abide in everyone else's. It's been a long life 🧬
Me too girl. I'm 33 and just realizing it too.
28 same problem!!!
I love your beautiful white hair. My hair is prematurely white and I decided to let it grow out. I’m 40, so no spring chicken, but definitely have my lack of color due to stress. Just a badge of survival! God bless you, wherever you are Sandra
@@lostandfound5145 I was wondering how you knew I had white hair 😆. Then I realized you weren't talking to me lmao
@@tiannahanastassiades3320 hey! Silver sisters unite 😌 white hair 👩🏻🦳 is beautiful ❤️
My childhood turned me into a hyper-responsible conflict-avoidant adult with poor boundaries. I attracted manipulators like flies to shit. Actually, I didn’t attract more manipulators than other people do, I just let them stay in my life.
Boundaries would help & you have to have consequences & not be afraid to cut people off. Red flags are a deal breaker & that’s that.
Be Strong! Be Well! Sending you ❤
Good fences make good neighbors...some people climb the fence, and we must assume the gatekeeper role. SUPER important!!!! Thanks!
Wendy Mcreynollds - If any financial gain is involved some ppl will knock the fence down and get you to pay for the next- all the while asking if you want to share Groupon
Well said! x
An excellent analogy. There's definitely a lot of people who will push one's personal boundaries and it's critical to learn skills to deal with these individuals.
@@qiuwbr091 Yes so true so be careful who you trust.
Or: locks keep honest people honest.
E.g even a penetrable barrier deters bad behaviour.
The problem with raising healthy children is that they don’t have practice at coping with unhealthy manipulative behaviors. This video is wonderful teaching for any age. Thank you.
true. I was raised in a normal, overall healthy family. I never realized there were people who go about doing this stuff on a daily basis.
Good point. It’s best to completely manipulate and terrorize your children. Tough love. 😀😉
I feel this applies only to overprotected children. Those raised in homes where the parents are attenuated and mindful of the world tend to pass on the ability to deal with such things. Those who are attenuated but aren’t worldly tend to also teach their children how to manage by providing a strong framework of what’s right and the child thus learns to avoid anything divergent from the norm..... And lastly, parents who raise their kids well teach the child they have value and those who value themselves don’t tend to give over to abuse.
@@TheBreechie Perhaps you use "overprotected" as bad parenting? Often the parents were raised the same way. Often kids raised in a religious family can be insulated from "world." So when naïve adults encounter others with MH, it can be confusing & devastating. They don't have coping skills.
It's unlikely that healthy children don't come across unhealthy or manipulative others in their life... They just need to go to school.
One that drives me crazy and feels very manipulative is speaking for your intentions or feelings. My husband will say “I know you don’t like me but...can I come with you?” Or “I know you don’t care but...I just wanted to tell you” or “I know I’m probably annoying you but...I just want to sit here.” It’s a ploy to get coddled or reassured so that he never feels vulnerable. I started pushing back by immediately saying “Please don’t speak for me. If you want to know how I feel about something then just ask. Don’t assume.” It brings constant negativity into interactions and feels icky.
I was at a new boyfriend’s Mom’s house for Easter, and he made one of these statements. It was so off putting to me that I just looked at his Mom as if to ask, ‘What am I supposed to do with that?’. She stayed neutral faced as if it did not happen (or was normal).
@@chelseajohnston25 You sound like the narc smh. Better to explain your position so ppl know where you stand.
MKHogan I am pretty sure there is something wrong with you
Sounds like sacasam to me not manipulation. You probably make him feel unwelcome on a regular basis.
It may be you've said those things, so now he feels that way and assumes that's the case.
The first feeling I get about someone was always the right one in my experience. Ignoring this, still giving that person a chance and moving ahead with them regardless of the relationship (friendship/work relationship) will end sour sooner or later. We often think we have it under control but in fact we don't. The best is to not ignore that first feeling and stay very far away from such person.
Shoulda listen to my intuition re my ex. I felt my gut energy push him away... Got a panic attack. And couldn't figure out why.. Its like my inner self knew something my brain didn't. But I have 2 beautiful children...we are all learning.
Agreed. Similar experience taught me to always reinforce my boundaries.
It means you have healthy awareness and boundaries, and you are a reasonable person willing in the right situations to be flexible. However in the wrong situation, it can make you upset you didn't reinforce your boundaries. So trust yourself. But don't beat yourself up. Live and Learn.
So. True.
I think I've finally learned this lesson. Reconnected with a teenage acquaintance and my alarm bells went off early on. If you are quiet and listen to what they say, they can drop big clues about who and what they are.
THIS!!!!! Excellent!! SAME!!!
With a narcissist. I have walls. I want nothing to do with them period.
There's no point. Too energy sucking!
What do you do after being sucked dry
Billie, when you think about it its just common sence. 🤔👍🤣. I see your walls and raise you gun turrets and guard dogs.🤦♀️😅 Seriously though, if my dog doesn't trust you go away. Dog has best bs meter😎👍🐶
@@Smokillo keep watching the videos. Research your needs. An hour a week like going to a therapist. Every little bit helps.
Start with boundaries. Relearn/learn whats normal give and take and whats not. Pratice saying no. Pleasantly. Smiling slightly. No explanation, no excuses , just no. When questioned why i said no i reply," no is enough of an answer". Its a self entitled parasite freakshow game stopper. Conversation over. move along , no narc feed here.
@@Smokillo I had to stop contact. Quit the cold turkeys. If the guilty trip placed on you, you have to understand that if you can't protect yourself yet, you have to use physical restraint in the beginning or until you are comfortable to say "NO" and stick with it. The main goal for you - your well being.
7:43 My ex did this CONSTANTLY. He would repeat my words back to me, but twisted or distorted in a way that ultimately demeaned or devalued what I was trying to say. This usually occurred when I was attempting to communicate a feeling or a perception that reflected poorly on my narcissistic partner. ("When you do this, it makes me feel such and such a way," etc.) He would twist my words to make my statement seem like an unreasonable demand, or my concerns as insignificant and not worth feeling, let alone vocalizing.
Yup. Classic. It’s so hard to not feel reactive or even understand it when being in it.
I'm happy for you that you finally left him and he's your ex now , you deserve to be seen, heard, validated and anybody who makes you feel dismissed should be dismissed from your life instantly , god bless you ✨
Yes. I had learned to express my uncomfortable or bad feelings in that "gentle I-form" too and didn't understand why it never worked with him. I've learned the hard way that nothing worked besides learning respecting yourself and establishing consequent boundaries. A long "way home" !
That’s exactly what they do, and you end up apologizing or feeling guilty for trying to ask for respect.
Ugh I went through it, too. I started to question and ignore all of my feelings because they were “wrong.”
Having a sufficient amount of money and being a recluse is the best and only way to set boundaries!
Sad but true!!!
I am exercise that option right now
Very true 👍
That's me but I get lonely and let people pressure me.
I thought so too. I'm a lonely old lady.
As many times as I have been manipulated to hell and back in my life, I realized that I also have exhibited certain manipulative behaviors without myself knowing. Poor boundaries can go both ways too, getting manipulated all the time and unintentionally coming off as manipulative because you don't know that's a boundary not to cross.
This guy is a scholar, every video he does on topics like these I learn something important from. keep these types of videos coming my man!
I wonder if he's single.
He’s excellent.
Hes amazing and ove been obsessed with all of this for 5 years no t.v. either i dont even care about it 6 years learning more then i ever habe and im 54 .
SAIKO SOCIETY Just discovered him a hour ago he’s helping me so much subscribe ✔️
Yes he is - clear, concise and helpful to use in daily life - what a guy!! Thank you Dr Grande!!!
These videos make me feel like I'm at my pyschs office. I feel calm and safe. Great job.
T/y\//
Most of my life I felt unsafe because I grew up in a very immature family that seemed to blame everyone else but themselves. To hear Dr Grande explain the reasoning and actions behind these narcissists' behaviour helps me to realise that maybe I wasn't to blame and that maybe I was a pretty good kid that any other parent would be proud of.
me too.
Todd Grande is a mental health counselor with a Ph.D. in philosophy. H's Not a psycholog i st or a medical doctor.
@@aaby4204 No kidding? No wonder he seems so grounded.
always listen to your gut feeling. it is your spirit warning you about an evil person before your mind can figure out what is going on
I totally get what you are saying and I appreciate it but it really can be found occurring in the brain. A lot of people call subconsciousness or unconsciousness the soul. Our brains have absolutely incredible processing ability.
When we meet someone, our brain is of course immediately figuring out whether or not they are a threat. Before they even say a word… we have a sense of them. An expectation. For instance… If their physical presentation creates an idea in our minds and then when they speak it doesn’t line up whatsoever in our minds… we tally that as “weird” or something in our minds. That’s just one tiny thing on their first sentence. There’s so much more our brains are doing.
Not discouraging the idea behind what you said at all. But it might push some people away to call it your spirit when it can be pretty well shown to be a matter of intellect rather than divinity of any sort.
@@JimmyKlef i could care less if some are "pushed away". I stand by what I said
I definitely have a higher self a guide so to speak. Me myself and I
People from dysfunctional backgrounds have to learn to unblock their gut instinct. It's been stuffed up by their gaslighting parents.
Recently brought a person like this on holiday with me and we slept in the same bed for 2 nights, on the second night I shouted clear and out loud in my sleep “DO YOU REALLY THINK THATS A GOOD IDEA” It woke me up as I said it and glimpsed that she was watching me before snapping her eyes shut and pretending to be asleep. Don’t know what she was thinking but it wasn’t good. She also told me how she had “found” small, dead animals and kept them in her freezer for years before cutting them up and scattering the body parts in ritualistic ways. 😵💫🤮 She presents as a hippy chick but Jesus she gave me the chills after getting to know her that bit more.
Made her leave the next day - calmly and in her manner COVERTLY and told the hotel to make sure to not let her in again. She was sponging off me and just being really strange 🥲😐🤢 My subconscious might have just saved me that night 👁️
Also jutted out her tongue all the time I noticed more in reflection and apon looking at the photos we took. Seems to be a key trait in psychopathy…
To paraphrase slightly:
"Boundaries are a set of rules that govern relationships. They let certain behaviors through, and exclude others."
This is the clearest definition I've ever heard on boundaries. Thank you!
I was confused why so called "nice" people were seen, by some, as weak. Them I realized that often "nice" people have vague or unhealthy boundaries. That condition is seen by others as weak. So now I see the connection of "nice" people being viewed as weak.
As an autistic person this is extremely helpful and helps me understand why it may not be the worst thing that I am not as “warm” as i was prior to certain traumatic events
You can always be kind and be assertive at the same time.
I’m a recovering nice person 😃 now if you call me a bitch, I say thank you!
Very good distinction
@@jillwilkerson2032 Next time i'm gonna do as you did. As a child I learned to be nice so my mother would stop scolding me for bitch, witch, shark, vitriol etc .. I want to get rid of the old fear of being called names all days.. Recently I was called names, just because I left an app group. Your "thank you!" would have been very appropriate given their responses. I keep it for next time. 👌👍🏼💪 Thanks! 💖
It’s funny, my ex narcissist talked about having to climb very high to get “in”. I had the boundaries, I had been hurt before, I knew I had to be careful. I think he saw this as a challenge, he just amped up the love to get me ‘hooked’. In the last year (4 in total) I could see that all the gestures he had used to make me fall for him were insincere. Realizing the depth of the lie is one of the most painful aspects of the healing after narcissistic abuse.
Hope you don't mind me asking this but how long did your relationship last?
@@yasmino6387 it’s in there, 4 years
It took my ex 5 years to cross all of my boundaries and once i let him in i was left traumatized for a whole year until today
It scarred the shit out of me with ex. WTF did I marry and have children with! 2003. Custody battle and I lost. It's nasty in Family Court.
That last line realizing the depth. I feel that at the moment my ex took 5 years to grid me down I honestly think the only reason it lasted another year longer was because she needed somewhere to stay because of Covid.
Such a great video full of useful information. Just wanted to share a recent experience with a manipulative malignant narcissist who over shared information in an effort to gain reciprocity, which you describe at 12:15. We went out for a few glasses of wine and she made sure I had a few more than she did, and then she began talking about all of her martial problems and difficulties with her husband. She tried to bait me into talking about my own marriage. I listened to her talk about her problems but didn’t take the bait or discuss my marriage with her because there was something “off” and insincere about her and I could sense she was mining for information she could later weaponize against me. She became frustrated with my lack of sharing and gave me the silent treatment the next few times I saw her, and later discarded me.
Good riddance, I hope you ccontinue to keep up those boundaries & are doing well!
It makes me think of how important it is to teach our children boundaries. Thank you for the excellent advice!
They should teach this stuff in schools i think. Never mind math and algebra problems, social problems and relationship problems are by the more prevalent obstacles in adult life.
16 Manipulative people disliked the video.
YEP they are on here! I choose my words wisely if a narc is tracking me.
Haha you are soo right!
Or learned a lot from it
They’re angry they’ve been found out.
150
I needed you in 1978. Fortunately for the reality of neuroplasticity, the power of believing, and the adage that it is never too late...as the previous commenter said "please keep them coming Doctor Grande". I have been watching 5.5 hrs of youtube trying to make sense of the last 1.5yrs with a person with BPD and what seemed like a dose of "vulnerable narcissism" and I am now engaged in moving forward with a sense of acceptance (radical acceptance more specificcaly). Your work here is important for us who strive for mental health recovery. Than you from my core.
Pætrïck Lėő Dåvīd Anne, I have lived the last 2 years blind to traumatic situations around me wondering why I was treated with disrespect from people! It’s been a traumatic experience and one which I have learned to now speak up and voice my experiences and I have needed counselling and courage and resilience finding out things that a mother should never have to experience and go through with fertility treatment- having their children taken away from them without prior permission or knowledge and family cutting them off because they considered me a liar and accused me of having affairs whilst on treatment! Why would anyone go through vomiting and loose stools due to high doses of metformin, stabbing their legs daily with fertility treatment drugs then decide they didn’t want a child or multiple births ! I don’t know any mother that would do that. I feel really bad about this situation and have really struggled with abuse sent in my direction when I had no clue or ideas of what happened to me! That is pretty scary for a woman who has just gone through divorce and only started to find out about what happened to her. A person can only take so much verbal abuse and physical and mental trauma. Luckily I feel I am coming out the other side. Whilst on holiday, I read Leah’s books and sat in tears in Majorca worried about how it was affecting others and wondering how they were coping suffering from pain and grief and trying to maintain a smile during the rest of the day as nobody wants to talk to a miserable woman unable to cope with life but deep down hurting like hell grieving for the living! Constantly in the back of my mind wondering how people were feeling, were they okay? Were they still ill? Were they moved on with their lives??? and trying to cope with being physically abused and my house broken into scared to leave the house and socialise because bad things kept happening. It’s hard not knowing the facts and it suddenly thrown upon me in such a short space of time. My concern is for the kids and hopefully they don’t blame me for having such a difficult experience when I was an innocent victim of fertility treatment and sexual abuse and men’s obsessions with sexsomnia. All I hope for is empathy towards me and my kids to be safe and secure and donors not to hate me. Hope that you are all feeling better? 😰🤔 🙌🏻😩🤗💞💞💞💞 💕🙌🏻 🧓🏽👦🏽
Susan Fiedler thank you 🙏🏻😔
I was 54 when I learned about NPD and that my life's destructive force, mother, whom I knew was wrong since young child was malignant NPD. Was having her at bedside at my near death experience to really bring me to consciousness on reflection. No contact, now dealing with NPD as son. Never too late to restart life.
Raised by Narcissists I never learned boundaries! Still working on it! Thanks!
Being a person with high functioning autism and a narc mom boundaries have been very hard to learn. Thank god for videos like this.
I'm autistic too. I had a vulnerable narc dad and my mom still can't grasp the concept of boundaries. I appreciate that Brene Brown broke Boundaries down a bit and got me started on the process of figuring out their formula.
I find it interesting that so many of the signs of manipulation are how autistic people are often interpreted simply because our neurotype tends to form a different set of cultural expectations that are not based around deception and social hierarchy (e.g. being open and honest immediately - "oversharing", missing or misinterpreting non-verbal cues of someone's discomfort, emphasizing unimportant commonalities or asking weird/unimportant questions). I think sometimes we really struggle with small talk type stuff, so we tend to do it "wrong", according to allistic standards, lol.
In either case, boundaries and direct communication help.
I know I've finally learned to pick up on *some* people's non-verbal indicators that they are done talking with me, but even then I'm never really sure, so sometimes I ask them directly. "Oh am I talking too much?" "Are you tired of this topic?" "Oh do you need to go?" What's even more confusing is when the person says "No, you're fine!" when they really mean "Yes! I'd like to leave this conversation now." My understanding of why they don't has to do with rituals surrounding social hierarchy and power negotiation, which often lacks healthy boundaries (i.e. taking responsibility for someone else's feelings) and feels manipulative (i.e. changing how you respond in order to get a person to perceive you a certain way that differs from your authentic self) from my perspective.
DOCTOR, YOU REALLY NEED YOUR OWN TV SHOW....IT WOULD BE A HIT!
Anything would be better than Dr. Phil hawking his wife's new skin care line or Dr. Oz frightening and guilting the audience into buying another of his non-FDA approved vitamin or unproven mineral supplement.
Not really, he's Not a psychologist, psychiatrist or a medical doctor. Grande is a mental health counselor and has a Ph.D. in Philosophy.
I think a social network following is much better , nobody telling him what to do & its way more genuine without the weight of a TV network & their agendas on his shoulders ..just my opinion..
Seriously, an excellent tutorial on manipulative behavior. Too bad most people are honest, and therefore by default, naive.
naive, totally me.
I have attitudes of Don't judge, be nice.
I'm making some alterations...
yes, and it is horrible that we have to feel 'ready for narc' at anytime, in the car park, walking outside past your neighbours..... it can happen so suddenly, you have to be quick to deal with them.
Exactly.
You can be honest and also aware & alert of all the evil (repressed trauma and damage) in the world... I.e. honest AND smart. That’s the combo we have to get to...
People are: Honest < Naive.
Without knowing I've been very manipulative in my life and how much my family manipulates one another. This video is helping me change and heal, it will be hard to break the habits, but I know I can do it. Thank you for this video ❤
I truly hope you meant in concurrence with treatment by an actual licensed mental health professional. I like Dr. G, but no 24-minute video can undo a lifetime of unhealthy behaviors. Perhaps it can help guide a person to seeking out the individual help one needs to authentically begin the journey, or even supplement a journey that's already been initiated.. but 24-minutes isn't even an entire session of therapy 😓.
The way I deal with wacko people is to never make decisions by my emotions, but ask myself, “ What is right, or true?”
Thank you! At 73 I'm learning. Most issues I have relate to my part time job. I am realizing that simple facial, or non verbal responses can go a long way in maintaining or setting boundaries.
Yay! Good on You girl.
Thank you for this, good point. I think also as I get older I maybe more of a manipulator's magnet (older woman is seen as vulnerable) I am also going to develop a 'less meek' voice.
As a person with aspergers I have felt manipulated all my life as we are not born with social skills. However since being diagnosed I have tried to change things by studing this behavior. However I still feel with manipulative people that I have to meet I have to be one step ahead and even counter manipulate. These people take so much energy that I rather not meet them. The problem with us is if we learn about manipulation and boundries in one sitiation we find it difficult to carry that over to a new social situation.
Hi there, I'm diagnosed with Asperger's too and understand what you're saying. Unfortunately in my younger years I was taken advantage of by a narcissist. I have found it immensely helpful studying about personality disorders, it helps to protect yourself against them if you should encounter them and also helps to identify these people.
Fellow aspie, and I married, and was left two weeks ago, by a woman I now, thanks to Dr Grande (and the amazing predictive ability of the UA-cam algorithm, seriously) I find reason to suspect is a vulnerable narcissist. She left because I "don't talk to her" (I try, but you know, sometimes you can't talk). Now things are so much clearer, and I don't ever want to relive the last few weeks, but I still love her.
This is true for anyone.
Aspie here too. A 20 year friendship with a borderline wounded healer ended horribly when she manipulated me into a trip, then turned in me with all the weaponized empathy she’d collected over 20 years.
I am writing this story in a memoir. Greetings from WORLDS. Best freedom ever.
Hi, I'm a teacher and I've been working with autistic teenagers for quite some time now. What I have noticed is that their sensitivity might enable them to "see through" people and situations better than normative people. It seems like they just naturally smell the bulls*t underneath someone's facade without really being able to pinpoint why and they are usually very correct. To me, it almost feels like their gut instincts are a lot stronger which might help protect them from harmful people. Atypical brains can obtain the same goals, but maybe using different strengths. I thought I'd let you know because I admire these unique qualities and I have found that they are often missed by the atypical brain themselves and their environment.
I've been in a relationship for 22 years with a covert narc. I'm just now aware. The Dr here is 100% correct on what he's saying. Although I can't walk away cause we have 2 kids, but I'm making my plan to do so. Thx doc
I had strong boundaries and was a confident person (at least in the sense of boundaries, not so much public self esteem) I knew when to say "no" and people respected my wishes out of curtesy.
And then I met a manipulative person...
I had never met such a person before!
I said "no", it didn't deter them. I said "stop" and they came closer.
I tried to leave, said goodbye, and they cried their eyes out, blaming me for "abandoning them".
It was insane.
They never respected my wishes.
Every no was ignored, every line was crossed. They didn't care. They wanted what they wanted.
With these types you have to be mean, you have to walk away and never look back. It is the only no they respond to.
If you stay they take it as a "yes".
If you try to end your relationship they beg you not to leave them.
If you try to talk things out like adults they will ignore you.
With these people you have to go "no contact" because they don't give a sh*t about you or your wants or needs.
It is all about them.
Anyone else watch these videos to help catch themselves? I've found these helpful to recognize my own actions
I am. I've been manipulative in the past, but I'm learning how to not be manipulative and better myself as a person.
@@sleepyote it's great that you're able to identify it and try to find ways to better yourself!:D
@@neonseacow thanks!
@@VM-123 I'm doing much better now
I'm not a narc but I feel like I've acquired some "narcissistic fleas" over the past 16 yrs of dealing with my husband, his mother & his sister. I watch these mainly to help us navigate their bullshit, but also as a self-diagnostic tool to try to rid myself of any thought patterns or tendencies I may have picked up as defense mechanisms (especially with the holidays coming up :( my husband is toxically nostalgic about holidays, and as the golden child, his identity was always firmly rooted his mother's approval. He's been almost no contact with her since last Christmas, but she extended an olive brach - covered in thorns, of course lol - by email yesterday, and it's really bothering him that it's going to be different this year).
One of the most difficult things re: narcissists is that they came keep the mask in place for YEARS!
wow: "they may change quickly, and it may take longer for us to adjust our boundaries"! That's brilliant
This is probably one of the most important talks to have with us so we learn how to stop narcs from getting into our lives in the first place. Bravo 🙌 for those topic!
Mine used to respond to whatever I said to him with “No, what you really meant to say is........” It created such confusion and is so insidious. I could repeat myself over and over and he still tried to replace my words. He was relentless. Over time he would just replace his own version of reality with the truth. What a nightmare 🤕
Sue Young,you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷🌷 to be with a narc 🙄!
That would infuriate me--don't know how you stood it for very long. What an ass he was.
These people are delusional, they only accept their version of truth.
Yup
It's called "gaslighting".
Coworkers who refuse to answer a question in writing and respond to emails with phone calls.
It's another way of being alone with you in a way because the communication is unmonitored.
A good way to trap a narc is to use their sense of security with phone calls. Record all calls with them anyway so that if they ever get you into a difficult legal situation you have information they don't feel they made available. Fighting fire with fire in a way.
Oh my God, yes yes yes!
Or coworkers who maybe are unorganized in ways that are not predictable leaving you having to try and figure out why.
I had a coworker who showed up to me in the parking lot just as I was about to enter my car and out of nowhere asked “Do you think you have an auditory learning disability” .....B^*+% what?! No. You’d never say that inside the building.
Wasn't taught about boundaries as a child to protect myself from others. Was only taught how to be nice to please others.
Thank you for your effort in making this outstanding PSA. I have a 7 year old girl and 12 year old boy. My wife and I have found it challenging to teach them how to have healthy relationships while staying safe. She tends to err on the side of caution and I’m the opposite. This video taught us that we don’t need to rely on our personal feelings when setting boundaries, but that there are skills we can teach and develop in our children (and ourselves) to foster both safety and positive relationships. Moreover, it taught us that we (and our kids) can use our minds and evidence to process relationships, not just our feelings. At 51 I feel naive saying this, but this video was truly empowering.
Great video. I teach at a max security men's prison. These examples of manipulative behavior are spot on. Good advice given here on setting boundaries, too.
Kristin pfanku,hope you are not with a narc 🙄 cause you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷🌷🥀!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 you constantly act inappropriately by posting numerous comments by people on vids regarding boundaries...it is hilarious to read your comment history to dozens of women asking what country they are from, demanding information and such...if they want a fake online con person they can go online dating. Read the room, bud.
Thank you for making this. I sat down with my husband and had him watch it with me. His mother is very manipulative, but he often struggles to see it despite leaving every conversation with her feeling sad and defeated. This video helped a lot and has encouraged him to think of where he can set healthy boundaries to preserve their relationship.
Erica,hope you are not with a narc 🙄 cause you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷🌷🥀!
Indeed, it is a very taxing struggle to stand your ground and not allow anyone to push your buttons.
yes, boundaries with family members are SO TRICKY. sounds like your husband has a covert narc mom? my best friend does, too. her mother -in-law gave my best friend (the most CHEERY wonderful sweet thoughtful generous and overall LOVELY person) the SILENT TREATMENT for MONTHS. i felt so bad for her. and it was so hard for her husband to stand up to the mom, but he did his best (but the mom always made him feel guilty...)
We should be thankful for the continuum of manipulation ability since it provides training wheels for learning manipulative behaviours.
19:00 Super-Restrictive Boundaries sounds like what is known with Anxiety as "Hyper-Vigilance". Anyone with anxiety can tell you that hyper-vigilance is exhausting, and impossible to maintain.
May be exhausting, but can be maintained.
I know what you mean and this is why I get mad when I realize someone is breaking boundaries. If you know I don't like that ,or it harms me, why are u doing it anyway?
So because we know it's hard to be super vigilant we have to be quick at reacting and basically harsh and thorough in dealing with the problem. People get the message and learn they can be dismissed!I'm not going to keep babysitting adults.
well said, very very true. And yet people say oh you are paranoid, nope, I am on my guard.
I found you thru the rewired soul... There's a certain confidence/comfort-level that I feel, when I come to your channel to learn about mental health. I appreciate what you have to offer us. Thanks for this great video. ✌😊
The Rewired Soul? I feel uneasy just looking at him.
It's funny how he is the clear opposite of Dr. Grande. Non bias, science first and the tone of his voice is reassuring!
These Four Walls I feel calm too
How good is this guy!!
Often times, the UA-cam advertisements seem like psychopathic manipulation, but I white knuckle my way through them because your channel is worth it. 😊
All kidding aside, thanks again for another informative presentation.
I turn the volume off though :)
You have to guard your boundaries at all times, yet remain open to the possibilities of healthy, happy, loving relationships. It can be a very challenging thing to do.
Especially difficult as there are so many covert narcissists out in the world today!!
I think I wrote down every word you said so I can understand manipulation and how others cross my boundaries (still working on creating healthy boundaries) I crave acceptance from others ( people pleasing ) I have given up my soul on a silver platter too many times....to people I should have never trusted....
My ex-fiance, to whom I got engaged at 21, immediately bombarded me with love and compliments when I first met him. Being young and naive, I didn't realize that he was being manipulative. It turned out that he was a sociopath. Now that I'm 26 and wiser, when I meet someone who is too warm and lavish immediately upon meeting them, they set off bright red flags.
It doesn’t help that we have movies that present this behavior as desired- this instant intense passion.
If you watch movies with new eyes- you can see that many movies are “training” people to fall for sociopaths- presenting it as an ideal romance.
What are their friends like? Do they have friends? Do they have family around?
Want to know what kind of person you are? Look at your friends.
The same thing happened to me at that age. I was looking for the unconditional love I had never known from my parents (academic high achievers and narcissists), got out after 6 months of insane gaslighting, blame shifting, invalidation that changed the whole focus of my life. I still had no idea what had happened to me, knew nothing about narcissism, but I knew about certain red flags (still had more to learn about) and after one or two other very bad experiences I quickly escaped from (also short-term that almost tore me to pieces in the aftermath of rumination) and became a very good judge of character.
I can listen to Dr.Grande all day! Being manipulated is not a fun experience and I wish I knew manipulative people existed before I learnt the lesson the hard way. Though now I'm stronger than ever, in retrospect it was an awful thing until suddenly after months something popped up in my head saying google manipulation so I did, and there was a list of all the things I experienced, all the tactics and all my feeling of being abused validated, and I was so relieved to know I'm not necessarily flawed or weak. So from then on I could build myself back up brick by brick and set boundaries ( actually door slammed the person for good my well being is no joke). That's why videos like this are priceless. It can take forever to figure these things out on your own, but being presented in such a calm, detailed and organized manner can really help someone save precious time and avoid hurt. If someone reading this is feeling broken because of some narcissistic abuse I wanna say you can be much stronger and healthier with time and waaaaay wiser, it doesn't have to leave an ugly scar, though it might seem hard at times and it might not happen overnight but things can be pretty good again ( Trying to be motivational here haha ). So thank you Dr. Grande for all the effort you poured into this.
Mag Etam awesome post
Wouldnt it be wonderful if in jr high school health class Dr. Grandes talks were part if the curriculum? through high school? thank you.
@@aundreadalrymple714 I'd be worried that manipulators would use the information to better avoid detection
People are manipulative by design. I expect it, I don't hold grudges, it just the human experience, our basic brain design for survival. I don't expect you to do the right thing. If you do bonus! There are many people that truly want to help you. But they are very difficult to come by.
@@aundreadalrymple714 that would be great! Make it part of a life skills class?!
Thanks Dr. Grande for the interesting video! I would like to add that it is common for people with ADHD to over-step boundaries. Some of us are trying really hard and are kind and friendly and are also bad at reading some social cues. People with intellectual disabilities as well. Some people struggle and respond VERY WELL to guidance and feedback. (People with ADHD often hyper-focusing on aspects of the social interaction and can over-look obvious things like someone is standing by their car trying to leave or it's pouring down rain. For me, I have good relationship because I ask for feedback, and I am always open & thankful for guidance/feedback. I let new friends know right away that I have ADHD and that I sometimes struggle with paying attention & noticing cues & events in my immediate surroundings (like the man screaming and welding a machete next to me at the ER, while I sat there happily reading while he threatened to slash everyone, only after nurses & officers threw me in a wheelchair and rushed me out of there did I "remember" oh yea I was wondering what he was yelling about, but had kept on reading 🙄) and ask them to please be straightforward with me and if they're comfortable remind me, "it's time to leave", etc. I have found, friends learn to accommodate me and can say, "yo, Hanna it's time to go! :)"
A tad tmi.
I love how thorough and clear your videos are. This is great.
Even when I'm a psychology student, these videos are like therapy sessions to me. Getting directed and informed from the outside helps me gain a better insight.
sarah mawed,I admire your lovely smile 😊!!
@@christianpulisic7784 ick
When you appear kind and soft spoken apparently that is seen as an invitation for manipulation by some. Some men who want to "walk you home cause it's late " or "need to talk to someone" but in reality they want sex. Taking liberties with the interaction that the level of relationship allows is anothet familiar one. People you don't really know claiming your time, unwarranted sexual remarks... Show them where the door is asap. Especially on social media where the recurrent asking happens a lot. If I feel uncomfortable I will just flat out tell them. "what you said/did was inappropriate. I am going to leave it at this" and then just BLOCK. Or just block no explanation needed. Also the badgering after you said no. The other day I had a guy in my class insist after I said no to him inviting himself to joining me shopping. Some people don't allow you to stay polite. I just jumped on my bike and drove off. Those people consistently violate boundaries and should come with a warning. Playing the eternal victim is another one. Someone who is constantly in crisis all the while doing better than most people.but draining them of resources. I think it is key to follow your intuition. People who don't feel 100percent safe and innocent get zero chances at this point.
Sarah Masia there’s someone on UA-cam who has caught my radar. I don’t interact with her but I’m paying attention. Either she really does have a son with complex educational needs who is always being shafted by one school/ LEA or another, or she’s single, lives on a bedsit drinking beer and fast food all day. I wonder which one it is?
Why would anyone want to be perpetually “victimized “? Probably bc it gives them the attention they are seeking thru careful manipulation
Yes, I hate the people who need to talk to someone to gain better clarity, but they really want something else.
Establishing personal boundaries for various situations is the most challenging thing to figure out, in my experience. I'm going to watch this a few more times, thanks for another helpful topic, Dr. Grande. And give your Malti-poo a pet from me.
I read a post that stated the only people that dislike your boundaries are the ones that abuse them. Summed it up perfectly!
Excellent talk on boundaries+how we need to guard our hearts. Manipulators can be very skilled at doing their thing;
mine was, according to our seasoned marriage counselor, one of the most clever manipulators he had
in his sessions. Lucky me (NOT) , married to him for 43+ yrs+ he keeps playing the victim of his own adultery. Please do more about how to see these monsters before they
worm their way into the hearts of the unguarded. My
good friend falls for the words+ doesnt see that the deeds are the most important part of a relationship. You dont have a
real, actual relationship with someone who doesnt ever show up in a public place, or stop breaking your boundaries.
They are all talk,NO action,
so if they cant step up to the plate, dont serve them a meal.
Spot on, I work in retail, and I have seen this type of manipulation by supervisors and managers, more often than not. These days, I'm able to quickly and accurately pick-up on these manipulative tactics, and have to "bite my tongue", in order to deal with these individuals in a "passive" (non-confrontational-manner), for the sake of retaining my job. This has reached a point of redundancy, and the older I become, the harder it is for me to passively deal with individuals who don't seem to pick- up on the fact that I Can See their disgusting manipulative-tactics, which are at times Irritating to me, and I just want them to Stop Babbling, and go away. One clear and common- trait I've noticed with "manipulators" in general, is the fact that they seem to Lack "self-awareness", to the point that if "THEY" believe what is coming out of their mouths , then so does (and should) everyone else. Wrong -
I am so glad these videos are out there for us! Thank you!
At 58, I have siblings who have been manipulative all their lives. Since I have established boundaries, they have ramped up in the games they play. Unbelievable.
Dr Grande thanks ....you helped us get out and heal from a psychopathic husband and father. Your videos are truly amazing and extremely accurate. Your sense of humor also made the pain easier to deal with
By being able to laugh at the truth and learn
About Psychopathy........when survived
It.....a negative zero on a humor scale.
You are extremely articulate which I appreciate. Thank you for making this world literally a better place with education and truth.
I find the best way to deal with all levels of manipulative behaviours is to have a set of basic boundaries and standards everyone in your life has to respect all the time. The second it feels like someone is forcing you or coercing you to do something you don’t want, if it feels like your personal autonomy and freedom are being questioned, take a step back, and tell them to stop. If they don’t, just walk away and refuse to engage in what they want out of you.
This is a good rule that applies for all situations, I’ve found.
Maturity is a relative term.
To some degree we all have aspects of ourselves that need maturation.
That takes time, together with wanting to improve understanding of ones own behavioral habits.
No matter how mature I consider myself to be, I must realise that I don't know all that is knowable.
OMG! How could I be my age and never have heard this in school? So much more helpful than algebra. You DO AN AMAZING JOB EVERY TIME! So thankful we have you. Truly life-changing.
Just discovered that my sister, who I knew had MH issues, has been suffering from NPD for decades. She cut me off in 2003 but her daughter is now trying to cope with a parent who’s life is chaotic in all domains. Thank you for these informative, objective analyses. Personality d/o’s are not in my wheelhouse.
I found this an interesting and thought-provoking and rather comprehensive discussion of a subject I'm involved with right now, because I've begun the process of analyzing my own boundaries, which I think have been too porous throughout my lifetime. So it's been a helpful start, and most of what you said sounded very familiar and I heard nothing I would disagree with. It seems to be an important subject that I've overlooked for too long.
Thanks.
Your videos are like a Gatling gun of good stuff. Would you consider making a skills series in the future?
Okay -- combination spoiler alert and "trigger warning," so to speak.... (ha -- my dark humor emerges....) Your image is a great one, since the Gatling gun was a true game-changer in modern warfare, probably unparalleled until nuclear capability (yes, I'll claim even over the air power that made the rotating barrel more effective! With apologies to my career-AF dad... 😘). [Read a fantastic book called simply "The Gun" for this history -- and more....] Dr. G has a "clarifying effect" that cuts through so much of the muddled thinking and internet garbage -- brief, to the point, consistent.... Full auto mode, for sure! 😅
I was adopted, then raised by narcissists, and also taught in church to always do into others as you would have done to you. That really made my life confusing. I went out into the world with no boundaries, no feelings of self worth, and very naive. I married the first guy that love bombed me, thinking that was true love. He was a diagnosed sociopath. Freaking nightmare. I had one child with him, and he is my only child, now 37. I got very hurt, and broken by his father, divorced, then fell for the next guy in a similar fashion. Same outcome. I told a counselor once I felt like I had a sticker on my forehead that said “‘me stupid, take me, I am a sucker”. Little did I know, it was me causing all of my issues, by having zero boundaries, and I had no clue what boundaries or red flags even were. Even now, in my 60’s I have trouble thinking I can’t help someone by showing them being nice is the better way to go. I do love people, and I love my volunteer work, but I have learned to walk away after the day is done. I found I need my “alone time” to recharge. I had to have my grandfather pick my husband for me, ( I kid you not; I brought dates to him to interview) and the husband he picked is perfect for me. That happened when I was 49. My husband now, is kind, not controlling, accepts me for who I am. He is humble, honest, has good morals, doesn’t take advantage of anyone, and handles all his life issues like he should. He is my protector, and points out red flags for me. 🤣. I have gotten pretty good at red flags now, by watching him, and I protect him too. We have collected a nice group of “like minded people” to hang with. My 60’s is so much easier than any other decade on my life, except with my son. You can only imagine, what kind of mother I was with my handicap. I tried very hard to teach my son good morals, to be kind, honest and so forth. My son, really was very strong willed, and is quite the bully. He is high functioning, but in many ways like his natural father. I see now, that could have been my fault, because I was kind of weak. If it wasn’t for my husband, my son would have broke me financially. He did mentally, and spiritually, but I am recovering. I so wish someone had a video or gave me this info many years ago. In my opinion it should be taught in junior high actually. If I had seen it, my son would have never been born. We all will make mistakes, no matter what, ( this is life, and how we learn) but if we had this kind info earlier in life , it might help us get out of trouble or ask for help sooner. I even will go as far to say, maybe narcissist, and sociopaths can be taught, knocked down, or controlled quicker. Now, with antisocial or people just born wired incorrectly, and who physically hurt people, they just have to be removed from
society. Thanks for this insightful information, I should watch it at least twice a year. 🤣🙏
Excellent. 💖 I discovered your channel last month, so I’m really enjoying these older videos too. As an RN, I really wish we got more of this type of training in nursing school. Many times we learn how to deal with these types of patients by being a “victim” of their manipulation and then we finally have that “aha moment” way too far into the nurse-patient relationship.
Yes Karens
I dated a man that was so frustrated with boundaries that he literally would yell about them - and after a few months, he told me that he couldn’t date a person that had “no gos” or boundaries or “off limits” topics. He literally made me feel like I was the one that was being ridiculous because I was asking him NOT to constantly give me (what he called) feedback on every little thing I did, said, or wore. He thought it was his right to tell me about these things on a daily basis, and to make judgements on the smallest of things. I knew his behavior was ridiculous and would try and tell him that I cared about him, but I didn’t need his constant judgement. And I even stated that it sounded like he didn’t like who I was as a person, because there was so much about me that he thought was not appropriate. At that point he would flip the switch and tell me that he really thought I was perfect, but that he thought a partner should be willing to work out these things to make the other partner feel more “comfortable” in the relationship.
I’ve never in my life had to beg someone to just let me be myself. Not to try and control every single thing about me. All the things he was grilling me for were normal things, I hadn’t done anything but have too many female friendships for his liking, or wear my hair in a ponytail, or be excited about a great day at work and want to tell him about it. And because I was so devoted to the relationship - I had even felt guilty for asking for “boundaries” like they were some dirty word, a product of the snowflake generation. Wish I would have been more informed and stronger before I wasted a very painful year of my life.
The only thing I would point out is that superficial behavior can also be a sign of just not being great with interacting with people, as well as high functioning autism in women, so maybe be careful to point that out. I generally can handle being kind and attentive and normal for about a short period of time and then I get overwhelmed with conversation so my behavior/personality will change because of that overwhelmed feeling, not because my personality was fake, you know what I mean?
This makes me appreciate and adore my non-manipulative friends 1000% more. When I think back on all the times they just listened, and reflected back to me what they heard, but never once used what I said against me or out of context....it is encouraging to watch Dr. Grande "put a name to" manipulative tactics that I've watched my whole life.
Pressuring you for an immediate decision … that’s relatable. And if you ask for more time to make a decision, a threat follows.
From a strictly behavior analytic perspective, for some people, the outcome of manipulation is a gain in a feeling of controlling someone else, and this feeling of control is an automatic reinforcer. Thus, the person finds this feeling rewarding, and is more likely to manipulate someone in the future.
Omheavens! I’ve been doing foster care since ‘96. All your videos would’ve provided excellent training for all the kids that fell into my care! DCFS needs to incorporate your videos into their training seminars. Watching & rewatching your videos. Excellent delivery style and thorough! Can you make a video on Critical Thinking Errors? Plz. 🙏🏼
Me too. I do foster care and these kids are too much. Wow!
That's awsome👌
Watching your boundaries in a relationship. As if life couldn't get more complicated.
Thank you Dr. Grande!
Your videos are incredibly informative and more importantly, VALIDATING! Lack of validation for the feelings I have about past issues, and current issues have kept me trapped in a hamster wheel of confusion. Knowledge and clarity on mental disorders have been the key to understanding what the heck is actually going on! Without this information that you and several others provide on UA-cam, I would not have survived much longer. So many things make sense, now. You have helped me escape from an abuse that I was not even aware of. 🤗
Knowledge is power
This has to be one of your best videos yet, Dr Grande. There’s no videos I’ve seen that explain these situations so clearly! I really want my Mum to see this because her boundaries were completely ignored a few months ago after she politely said ‘no’ to someone in her family. She never got to do what they wanted as she had surgery come up, but her No resulted in her being totally ignored as if she never existed. Thank you so very much. I think this video could bring comfort to a lot of people, and teach others like me, who need to recognize the signs of manipulation. Happy Day to you ☺️
AGREE
I can see Dr. Grande used my ex-GF as a case study!
jcrnda haaa
Dr. Grande,
Need more women case studies example
😂😂
😂😂😂
Very very helpful, thank you. Due to gaslighting I constantly doubt my experiences, and I don't remember everything well. But watching this video - I definitely recognized a lot of these methods of manipulation. It made me feel very seen and validated.
Setting firm boundaries should be taught to people as early as possible. Without boundaries you really have nothing. You are truly a goldmine of life advice.
That was so spot with my experience with a manipulator. Thank you for the confirmation and your thoroughness. It’s helped me to know why I had these awkward feelings around this type of person. Trust yourself, protect yourself more and protect less the feelings of these manipulators
As someone to whom the idea of having boundaries is new this was the most useful talk you've had for me. I like how you broke the idea of manipulators and having boundaries down into details.
I became highly aware of boundaries when I had a long-term roommate whose childhood might be described as feral. (Her family made sure everything looked good to outsiders, but they were incredibly uncaring of each other’s safety - both physical and emotional.) She was a loving and kind woman (astonishingly) who had no idea what a boundary was, much less what a healthy one looked like. I remember several conversations about the difference between acquaintance and friend - she was quite baffled that I differentiated the two. She was constantly putting people off by assuming relationships were stronger than they actually were, and then not understanding what went wrong. And this was after several years of therapy, which I truly believe was very helpful for her. It still breaks my heart when I think of her.
Hello, Dr. Grande, I really appreciate the information in this video. Could you please consider going more in depth about how to set up better boundaries? Your suggestions sound pretty good to start with. I observe that being aware of these red flags is one thing, but learning to exercise better boundaries requires a new skill set and I think many people feel lost about this.
Interesting content. Narcissism seems rampant (if not a bit over-used as a label). I think many still equate it to self absorption and not the manipulation, gas lighting and triangulation that manifests in toxic family dynamics that leave life long scars and burdens.
This is an awesome topic I wish was taught in schools. It applies to many life situations, and is not addressed by parents sometimes. Thanks Dr. Grande for useful info!
This video checked a lot of boxes for me. I have an example for every one you gave in my relationships with family. Everything makes so much more sense! Thank you Dr Grande! So helpful - and boundary strengthening!
I played this video with a friend that needed to understand how I personally felt about a mutual person we know. Together we replayed so much of this video over & over again ~ shining such bright lights on "text book" incidents that you described gave me goosebumps.
Thank you so much for shining your light so dang bright. ☮