Searching for love to escape ourselves | Hayley Quinn | TEDxUniversityofNevada
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- Опубліковано 11 лют 2016
- Love, sex and dating are often venerated as 'the ultimate goal of life'. However how much of our quest for love is about avoiding being with ourselves? About facing reality? About creating our own direction? And in running away from ourselves in love, do we ultimately avoid the work needed to return to selfhood that will actually bring us happiness.
Hayley Quinn is the UK’s leading Dating Expert and has helped 100,000’s of men and women re-think their love lives.
A graduate in English and Psychoanalysis from UCL Hayley set up her own company as a reaction to encountering the ‘pick up artist’ culture and working as a ghost writer for characters from the New York Times bestseller ‘The Game’.
An advocate of real life dating skills she’s used her websites (www.hayleyquinn.com[hayleyquinn.com]), and her online member’s clubs to show people that there’s more to life than meeting someone than Tinder.
She’s been a featured expert for numerous international TV shows and has had a Channel 4 Cutting Edge documentary ‘BiCurious Me’ based around her explorations into sexuality and relationships. She has also written for Cosmopolitan, the Independent, the Telegraph and regular provides social experiment vlogs to news sites.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
"They look like love, they feel like love. But when you open them up, there's nothing loving about them." this hits different
Hello
hello love is so wonderful
yeah
@@Soundofsilver2007 I don’t think that was the reply he was looking for 😂😂😭
I would like to become a romance song writer. I'm changing my lyrics into romantic songs.
„Don't try to find your ‚other half‘, try to become ‚a whole’ by yourself.“
Something I recently realized :)
Dependency one others never ends well, just resentments in the waiting.
Definitely agree.
Other people call me a hole all the time.
Then why natural selection made opposite zender. Work for your desire.. and work for it
Because the person have a different reproductive organ .
"There is nothing outside of yourself, look within. Everything you want is there. You are that." - Rumi
I'm trying to become a romance song writer. Hope you enjoy my journey.
🦎 🦎 🦎 Means God !
💖.
So how do u find that?
you have nailed it how ever they have people thinking love is something outside of them
because this in of it self disconects them from themselves
"The strongest drug for a human being, is another human being"
So true
Esp once you've put on a pedestal
Dayum!!
Only fans
So true
"knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape" - bell hooks
nice
imma Stargirl +
Facts- love bell hooks 💕
Is anyone learning from her?
wow🙏
"I was a magnet to chaos, I loved chaos bc when I was in chaos I didn't had to confront myself"....
deep man
welcome to adulthood, sweetie
Aaaaaaa
@@sacheverelle lol, exactly 🎉
Sounds like the city of chicago.. or san fran, NYC, it takes them forever to admit theyre wrong... Very narcissistic
Not just true with people but also with things. We constantly use our smartphones to escape ourselves. Don't we?!
What else can we do
A really truthful sentence I've heard after a long time🙌
@Christina Reynolds see it's not wrong using the technology or other means to escape time to time from the things that are mentally exhausting to us but most of us nowadays are using it as a mean to escape our reality and feelings. So i wrote it in that context😊
@Christina Reynolds i think thats what we all are looking for... A way to not escape ourself
@Christina Reynolds I'm no psychologist and can't say anything about others but as of me i escape my insecurities . Still finding a way to escape actually
I believe if your family don't shower you with enough love, you will always seek or search love from others. We all need to love ourselves so can people appreciate us.
This is so true
why people are so obsessed with the idea of self love? it makes no sense when your hearts wanting to be loved so much
@@rudeegruenberg9184 it is the human nature.
@@sherryidibo2304 how is that related to self love?
what alot of people have in their relationship isnt love its trauma bond
I agree with most of the talk but there is one thing to be kept in mind: you will never stop learning and fixing yourself. you can never reach a time and say "I'm totally fixed right now, I am ready to go out and search for love because I have nothing else do it with myself."
yes love *should not* be an escape from ourselves.
yes we should learn how to be alone with ourselves and actually enjoy our loneliness.
and yes we should fix our inner conflicts and not wait for love or someone else to fix them.
but also we should enter love with the intention of accepting criticism /advice from your partner in order to grow and to be a part of the growth of your partner so you both become better people along the way.
NN N This comment
I agree. I learned and grew a lot from my first relationship. I gained valuable life skills about how to communicate, how to show compassion, and much more.
Thank you soul :))
This comment is truely apt...and it 'completes' Hayleys brilliant eye opening speech... It now makes complete sense... i am glad i read your comment...God bless you :)
The key is to be vulnerable I think.
I could not have said it better myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Never put your happiness in other people. They will always let you down .
Sara Allison you be foolish to put so much expectation for happiness for others if you can’t start by yourself, but anyway who said everyone can be perfectly!
Not true, thankfully. There are good people in this world. If you only meet people who use you, you have to start asking yourself some serious questions. That, thankfully, is the beginning of wisdom and allows for the magic to happen. I've loved and lost, loads, but have few regrets as I mostly have memories of love.
@Newromantic999 Yeah try it and break your heart. No thanks I would rather live by myself and this is me saying as a hopeless romantic
Why
WHY on earth would you say that with that pfp
thanks for the reminder. i guess i ought to repay you with reminding you that your body is composed of water that will evaporate up to the clouds and soil meaning that you will probably go to heaven. literally
This is really good advice for some people. After a bad breakup a decade ago I realized the same. I wasn't happy with myself, so I started working on me. Eliminated all harmful addictions, went plant based, got physically fit, found the main causes for my depression, and became financially comfortable. Now, after I've accomplished all that, dating again is more difficult than I thought. Not because I don't have opportunities, but because I see my old self in those people.
This is beautiful and beautifully stated. Congratulations :)
Wow…
I can relate. But if there's something I'd say to add to her talk, is that it's not a linear quest, finding satisfaction as a single. It's not like you just do all the healing well and life is simple and good as a single. You'll have, like with anything, good times, and bad times. Weeks where you feel happy and content with your singledom. Weeks where you'll feel desperate for a distraction/relationship. Healing isn't linear or predictable. Healing also takes a lifetime. So single contentment takes a while to develop, and never really gets to a perfect spot I don't think. So also with coupledom. Takes a while to develop relationships that are consistently enjoyable. And even then, they'll still be challenging weeks & months.
💯
This is exactly my situation! I feel I healed too much to deal with toxicity around me
"So I find that my dating advice is gradually shrinking down to be essentially: Go meditate, get some therapy, read a book." She is literally so right tho. If your past relationships didn't work out and you're looking for advice before you try dating again, seriously just do those three things first. Take a break and try again later
And even better: Read way more than just a book!
Why is the assumption that you are the problem?
I'm 37 😂
@@orlaw.8213 Because ultimately, you can only control yourself, and it takes two to tango. Regardless of the reasons the relationship didn't work out, both sides played a part. And it's important to take time to review yourself and your actions and how they contributed to it not working out, and search for/find/use therapy for new ways to behave that will be healthier for you and your relationships. It's not to say it's "your fault." It's more than at the end of the day, you can only control yourself, so find yourself so you can bring your best self to the next relationship
Very true, most people are using others like drugs. I wish you peace and healing
dinkyskid OMG yes. Ppl attach so much energy to other ppl, especially in terms of happiness, and what we attach the most energy to, the brain throws more chemicals. So then, we reach a point where we think we can't live without it. I've experienced that type of all consuming love, and beyond the honeymoon phase, it's not as great as society makes it seem. Give me the balanced, everyday, ordinary kind of love!
Yes
@@KhaoticKim I love your post! But is it a scientific fact regarding the chemical statement you made? 😲🤤😱
The state of mind and body of the feeling of love is the drug we all are addicted to and what the synthetic chemical drugs mimic in our brain chemistry.
420 likes
finally a good talk.. sort your shit out first then you'll be able to meet people left and right because it won't be difficult anymore and you won't care about needing others to fix your life
absolutely agree with Hayley. I ve been always thinking this way. Though guys in general have different standards nowadays :-) IT"S AKWARD TO DON"T WANT A GUY!I have international "friends guys: French, Italian , Spanish etc.) I am HAPPY I do not want ANY GUY. I want gys who will COMPLETALY ACCEPT ME.And I am open for that :-)
@falloutrangerlol emm.. what are you talking about
@falloutrangerlol everybody is born without social 'skills' and dating 'skills'.. you acquire them from your parents-school-friends-environment.. if you're a shy person what you can do is to learn the causes of your shyness (fear of public opinion, ecc) which you can learn about them from your daily interractions with people .. your emotions are you guide.. So in the end the so called social skills-dating skills are just how we react to different environments.. and we can 'sort it out' by being attentive to our reactions .. how we are getting angry, how we are getting fearful or jealous ecc.. at the end of the day looking back at the most memorable experiences of the day that 'disturbed' us and looking at that would be the cause of that reaction will greatly help you out .. that's what this speech is about.. figuring out you first not being attached to another who somehow helps you out with your problems
q
Vasile Sur
I just saw my life in 15min and I am alone in my apartment, not looking for anyone anymore, learning new languages, learning to play guitar, jogging, exercise, cooking by my self cuisine of all around the world, working on my own start up, i usually don’t cry but by listening this 15 min of my own life made me cry alone in my home. Yes life is pretty dramatic and I don’t want more drama in my life.
7 months I am not looking for anyone anymore. I am done with it all chaos in my life.
That's cool
powerful. The best thing i have ever done for myself was being single. I now have such an inner strength and have healed my old wounds. Being alone and facing yourself, learning new skills, takes time but brings out the true you. no more compromising, no more settling for less than what you want and need. big hug.
How are you now...I'm on the same Journey
Hitesh - I reached a point in my life where I just don't get the whole relationship thing - what does it take, the let downs, and I just don't know how to do this that I didn't want to put any effort or energy into it anymore. I have been single for so long and have designed my own life and it's so comforting.
@@janemoore4395 being alone is dangerous sometime once you become comfortable you won’t like anyones company. Go socialised around, have faith to find someone amazing someday. Take things easy not serious. 🙂
“love shouldn’t be an act of escapism”. finally. i needed to hear this. i think this applies to friendships, too, because it’s also easy to take them for granted bc society often says romance is more important. i’m no longer gonna run. i’m here for me, even if it’s hard
When she said she did 6 months cold turkey, no dating... XD XD. Try 8 years.
paradigmshift03 try your whole life. Im already twenty and I've never had a boyfriend. It gets more and more frustrating because I don't go out so I don't meet anyone and I live with 3 roommates all with SOs and two of them are dating eachother. I know everyone says you have to be happy with yourself and maybe I'm not there yet but it sucks being by myself and I've gotten just so sick of being alone.
Andi, you are so young! you have a whole life ahead of you, allow yourself to meet someone, just watch for signs now that Hayley Quinn has guided you with her talk - you'll do fine - I wish I had learned all this when I was your age! - but we didnt have internet or any of the social media that teaches one this things - if I had known what she is advising I would of had alot more confidence and not dated all those guys when I was your age and I probably would not have suffered thru so much heart aches if I had learned this before...now you know what to do and guided...
you dont have friends either? First become a member of some sportsclubs or another kind of club, socialise and make friends. When you are unable to do this, go a 7 times to a psychologist and ask for cognitive therapy. Then you get help to go out and exercise this. Good luck! You can do it. And one of those friends will become your girlfriend :)
Those weak, pathetic, fools! bwahahaha
@@andis7187 Just ask some guys and pick one
At 26, enrolled in a phd in the city I love the most, I saw myself crying and begging for a guy I've met on tinder two months before to don't leave me in the weekend to see his friends. I use to thought about him literally every second and couldn't see anything fun or exciting in life if he wasn't involved. Now I see that to think about him all the time and wanting to be with him all the time was actually a form of escapism. When I was thinking about him I didn't have to think about how much I disliked my career, how I hated the house I was living in and how lonely I was in that city. I didn't have to think about the bad relationship I have with my father and my family. At that point I had no interests outside this guy. My future was planned like "I'll be his girlfriend" and that was it. When he was gone, there was nothing in my life anymore that I was interested about, nothing. I had become this needy baby, wanting a babysitter (him) literally 24h a day. Anyways, we cannot put our lives in the hands of just one other person. It's too dangerous. When it was over I had to deal with severe depression for quite some time and even now I see my life without any goal. It's too dangerous people! Never do this!!!
This is exactly my story too.
hey, how are you now?? i hope you're doing okay.
I hope you're doing well now. This kind of reminds me of a online friendship I had, with a girl in another continent. We we're "officially" friends, but actually I was deeply in love with her. This was during the intense parts of covid, with lockdown and stuff, so I used the contact with her to avoid the loneliness, and to kind of get the feeling of having a girlfriend. I overlooked the red flags. And when she left, after more than one year of contact, I felt very sad and abandoned. But before she left, she wrote some of the things you said here, that it's not healthy to only trust one person to be the solution to all your problems. And that she felt responsible for fixing me, and that she couldn't take it. Of course she also had her flaws, but I think she was very right about those things she wrote in the end.
Now, 2 months later, I feel quite okay, and it's nice to feel more independent, and realize I'm not dependent on another person to feel well myself.
I think you will get there yourself also. Just take your time and work on yourself and what you want to do 😊
I am literally doing this thing and wasting my entire life on infront of my eyes..
@@h0nof same, i had also a friend in a diff place, we are officially friends but i i feel more than that, he gives me butterflies and all i never had felt before, i forgot everything when we had a conversation, but in reality maybe i'm just trying to escape the obligations that i had to do, because im quite overwhelmed with it. But still we are interacting with each other and i haven't told him what i feel, but im just overthinking everything and triggers my anxiety.
I just got out of a relationship 4 months ago. I never want to feel that weak again. having so much of myself tied up in another person. you give up so many parts of yourself in sacrifice to what you assume love is, but really you're just being treated with decency for the first time, and you mistake good human nature for romantic love. I've seen so many insecurities come up after the rose colored glasses fell off, within myself. I still hurt from time to time, and I remember my ex in the smallest things, a movie, a certain smell, etc... I just feel so out of control of my own emotions some days, and I just allow myself to feel and cry, and then I move on as usual. I refuse to let myself feel that pain again.
Trust me, it gets better !
Great 👌
Update; it’s been 1 year and 4 months, I’ve been single this whole time and plan on continuing that trend ✨ I love me way too much to do that again
Agreed. Two months ago for me. 5 year relationship
I'm trying to become a romance song writer. Hope you enjoy my journey.
Discovering one's own self is more important then finding "The ONE".
If it comes, it comes but solidifying yourself is a priority! 👊
@Christina de Wyck That is the opposite of narcissism. A narcissist wouldn't tell people to gain self-independence and to not follow love blindly....
I agree Self is a priority one should love self first with that said means more for me to be involved in a Loving relationship with my love its the only way for me to go cause I rather share my love with him.
Agree!
“I think that sometimes when you’re focusing on that perfect romance, you’re not actually doing the real work to fix the stuff that’s stopping you from becoming happy”
I'm trying to become a romance song writer. Hope you enjoy my new journey.
"When you can just be, That's real love"
💕🙌🏼
This woman is so strong and I'm so sincere when I say I want to be like her one day. I think I will come back to this ted talk many times until it will be ingrained in my mind.
Love can be beautiful, sincere, addicting in a positive way. But it shouldn't be your own happiness in your life. My ex-bf was an amazing person, good, loving, caring, and I dedicated my whole self to him, so much that when he wanted to break up, I was lost. What can I do now without this person in my life? How can I feel happier again without him by my side? How can I simply go out and have fun in the world when I always imagined him by my side in all these adventures? But truth be told, I wasn't really happy. When I was with him yes, I was the happiest. But then when I was home alone with my own thoughts I hated myself. So I quickly grabbed my phone and texted him because I knew he could comfort me and make me feel better.
Now don't understand me wrong, I didn't use him as just a tool for attention. Rather, I saw in him the only person who could really love me the way I am. Without being judged, abused or make fun of. And that stems from my parents who never understood me, my peers, when I was a child and a teen making fun of me. I convinced myself I was a monster, so when I found someone like my ex-partner loving me so much and not seeing me as someone bad, I fell for it hard. I thought that was the only person who could love me in this world.
But the truth he isn't. I've always had during my life people who loved me for who I really am and I still have them. But I never saw them because I didn't see that love in myself first.
Now I know that even tho my relationship failed, this doesn't mean I can't be loved anymore. He still loves and cares about me platonically as a friend as I do for him. I have friends and family that would do anything for me. And I will find even more people with whom I can feel safe, connected, loved and cared about in both friendships and romantic relationships.
But one thing I have to work on If I really want to never depend on others anymore and living the life of my dream: giving myself that love I always crave so desperately from others.
you are so strong for realizing this. So authentic by sharing this with the world. Congratulations on all progress youve made so far
if its addicting its not love addicting is never positive
"When u don’t hav anything to prove anymore in order to feel alive & exist, that's real love" Amen Sister!! Preach!!
I think the truth is, a lot of people are deeply bored in their professional life/during their studies or going through hardships, and they need something new, distracting, exciting to focus on. Your love life is one of the few areas where you're almost entirely free. They want to experience freedom throught it. That's what is messed up with today's society.
hmmm, interesting perspective.
Nice said
True
True, I agree on that point of view
It's sad, because life itself can be so exciting when you finally wake up to who you truly are...no need for that escapism
“On the floor that day, I did have someone. I had myself.” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
this happened to me recently🥲
@@Mia-ei4mh you’re going to be okay! You’re already okay! ❤️❤️❤️ I’m telling you💪
This is extremely relatable. I honestly didn’t understand where my love obsession came from until I watched this and i feel less alone as I don’t know other people in my life that deal with this. I escape all my past and present struggles with chasing relationships and crushes to fill a void. It has made me become toxic and inconsiderate about others feelings just to escape my struggles. Its time to take some action to improve
"When you can just be, I kind of feel like that's real love." The ending really touches my heart :(
I'm working on becoming a romance song writer. Hope you enjoy my journey.
This is one of this truths where the people who need to hear it don't want to, and the people who want to hear it already know.
Mounir Baroudi, so true! 😂
You nailed it!
I am so very glad I realised this at a very early stage of my life. After experiencing two heartbreaks, I took a long look at myself in the mirror and asked myself ''why am I putting myself through this kind of torture'' Offering my love to someone who doesn't value me as a person, to someone who doesn't even give a shit about me. And then it hit me that if I don't love myself, I'm gonna keep loving people who don't love me.
The thing is you need to find your worth from within, you gotta push yourself to live alone. Accept the loneliness and in the midst of it, you will realize you can survive with or without someone. But most of us seek our worth from someone else. We expect someone else to come and complete the missing piece in our life. The truth is, you are complete unto yourself.
The most important thing you can do to yourself is knowing your worth and loving yourself unconditionally.
I loved reading this comment, Could you please elaborate more on "knowing your worth"
I fear so much to be alone but I know I have to do it, and I'm gonna do it. Your comment is awesome
and when we love ourselves we are really able to love other people rightly
I have felt so lost after my husband passed away. I have been running from working through my grief and my self care by diving into relationship after relationship. I am terrified to be alone.
This is exactly what I needed to hear.
Actually I had all of these eye opening realizations when my first relationship ended. I didn’t feel those usual “he didn’t deserve me”, “I’m gonna find someone better”, “I hope he’s suffering like I am” kinda thoughts. Actually it was in general a good relationship but all I could think about was “wow… I really did lose myself in all that didn’t I?” And that realization is helping me every day to work on myself and build self love and take care of me, to find my happiness alone, so that when I do find someone, that person is only an addition to my happiness and not the source of it
Its great to have a companion in life but not because you are alone or bored but because you are complete enough to share, give, learn & care.
Reen:You hit the nail on the head however that can be very difficult to find
Escapism is the driver,the answer lies within yourself💲
Dating is not for everyone. Nor are relationships. If it happens it happens, if not, it's not the end of you. You not less a human. You are not unsuccessful. WHO CARES. We're always told that we need someone. What the hell for? If you want them get them. If not, don't worry. Being in love is just one small part of your life. Humanity will go on anyways.
Seherzada Omerbegovic, I totally agree. There is so much more to life than romantic relationships, and being single is perfectly fine.
Seherzada Omerbegovic disagree.
That's just a justification for your loneliness. You can justify pretty much anything it doesn't have to be right or wrong. But I sense some disturbance in your dating force
Seherzada Omerbegovic agreed!!👍
@@nonexisting4282 Not everybody who is single is lonely and not everybody who is in a relationshiop is happy/not lonely
Go girl!!! Im celebrating my 1 year independence day from obsessive love, so glad I found this video at this time
I reached a point in my life where I just don't get the whole relationship thing - what does it take, the let downs, and I just don't know how to do this that I didn't want to put any effort or energy into it anymore. I have been single for so long and have designed my own life and it's so comforting.
Her speech made my day. What she talked was the plain & honest truth. You don't have to be loved by someone very special to you for you to be happy or realize your own self-worth. You have to love yourself no matter what others do to you or think about you. When you realize this it does make a great difference in your life.
This is exactly why I left my relationship of 11 years (18-29). I knew I was escaping myself... and my life. I am changing and trying to figure out who I am and what I want (meditating, reading, Ted Talks, and therapist). I'm proud of being single for these reasons. This speaks to me sooo much! Thank you for sharing.
How is ur journey now? What have u come to realise etc
I'm in a similar situations....but every time I try to break things off I chicken out afraid to hurt him.
@Ashly Hart how this decision changed you,plz share
dont be single...realize who is with you all the time Ashley Happy is the people whose God is the Lord. the Bible. Once we come to repent and open our heart to let Him in we are set free, amen John 3 repent and be reborn. Anxiety goes we respect ourselves and dont worry what others think or ourselves in depression. broken heart healed...in Him... ty
I'm actually engaged now... and worked on myself for a long time. Continuing to connect with my fiance about past traumas, what I am really feeling, self-care, feeling my emotions/asking myself what story I am telling myself... and continually discovering who I am now. I feel like the universe has given me a gift (inner peace, clarity, strength, love) for my bravery and ability to sit with my pain, life-long depression, and ability to learn that I can survive, my pain cannot kill me. Thank you for all the comments.
"When we confront our aloneness and we start to deal with our needs and the past and all that horrible pain we just collect and carry with us throughout our lives - when we deal with that and we're not running from it in endless people or endless dates, when we don't have anything to prove anymore, when you don't need a destructive, ridiculous, on/off relationship in order to feel alive, in order to feel like you exist, when you can just be: I think that's real love". - Bingo
I landed at this video, after I've been practically on my own almost my whole life, and yet I can say that it speaks to me; but from the opposite way. It is also a way of escaping from yourself, if you never allow any intimate/romantic connection to happen. I used to be unable to do that for what feels like eternities, because I've experienced too much pain in connection to love so far. Yet that does not mean that now - since it is so painful to me - I should go hide even more. I'm doing all the self-discovery. I'm doing the meditations, the self care, the yoga. It's time for me now to allow myself to be with others, and see who I am in connection with another being. And most of all: Also to allow myself to be *seen* for who I am. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. On every level.
solasnova thank you so much for this comment! I resonated so much with it because that’s exactly my dilemma. I’ve related being in a relationship with pain and suffering. I’m willing to be open to love opportunities and not push them away. Like you said, it’s also important to see how you connect to someone else. Meanwhile, I will continue to enjoy my solitude and heal my childhood wounds❤️
Samantha Martinez Hey dear Samantha! Thank you for sharing your experience too❣️I just saw this comment now (it must’ve been overlooked...) sorry for that! However - I resonate very much with what you say, too. Learning to love ourselves and letting the beauty and the chances in is really so very precious. ❣️ Because we ARE worthy. We are worthy of love - we ARE worthy of loving ourselves unconditionally. we are worthy of living our dream. ✨ This is something I keep learning... Every day in a new aspect. ☀️ Sending much love to you & thank you for sharing!
Christina R This is a good question! I personally believe that it is essential to remain connected to ourselves - to our inner truth - to our body - to our present moment - to who we are and what we feel in the moment. We do not need to hold on to every aspect of ourselves - because some aspects we can freely let go - and become more free without them. So I believe it is a good thing to let go, so to „lose“, certain aspects of ourselves that harm us, for instance. But escaping from ourselves would mean that we seek solace in not-being-here, not-being-present, not-being-who-we-are. I’ve personally struggled with this for a long time (and still do, at times!). I just feel that I have more power and freedom when I am connected to myself - versus trying to escape myself. Long story short - this is just how I feel :) How do you feel about it?
This is an incredible comment, @solasnova. My Dad escapes the way you’re describing.
3:09" they look like love they feel like love but when you open them up there's nothing loving about them."
I did the same thing. stopt drinking. stopt thinking my ex would come back. stopt smoking. started wall climbing. started running. crying in the first month and stomach and hart pain during the first two. started reading the book handbook of higher consciousness. looking at you tube self help video's. I'll stop trying to date as well. because I don't want to any way. these sort of clips help alot seeing other people feel the same thing. and handeling it this way. so thank you for that.
Mats Jong stopped* englisch ist nicht wie deutsch ;)
Amazing! Go you!
It's a year since you wrote this. How is your journey now? What has changed?
Or you could just ask some girls out
No, thank you for also being like me
i’m 23 years old and i’m just figuring out that my whole life looking for love and “the one” has been me running away from myself. so much pain and shame is inside me but i finally know that i need to be alone to heal. it’s hard some days, today is one of those days and i’m glad i found this video
Listen to Allan watts, he's someone that helped me during those early phases
@@micahsalas8963 I’ve hear some of his speeches, I’ll look into more of his stuff. Thank you!!
Im gonna give myself 6 months
6 months no dating
No dating
No flirting
No doing anything for anyones attention
Just healing and growing
Her words about running from herself, using people as a distraction hit me so hard
Time to get those splinters out and heal properly
Hello
so covid made this resolution easier, didn’t it? yes, for me. ;)
@Julio Cesar i see your point. that’s actually what bothered me as well in this whole talk. that’s why i was commenting about how forced covid lockdowns made life lonelier in a potentially good way for such people, as in: they need to face themselves finally. I am not in that category, because i was already facing myself. i have been alone for almost 2 years, and wasnt a serial dater before that. I am one of those that wasted my life with taking the wrong people seriously. now i am left alone. trying to stay healthy. maybe i will have a shot at founding a family if i find a good partner, but if this covid thing takes a few more years, i will probably be too old to have children. life is odd and sad sometimes from my perspective. There are many perspectives and many experiences in this life. greetings.
I'm deleting tinder. I spend so much time on it and recently have been thinking I need a break and need to focus on myself. This video just reinstated that. It's a sign. 6 months cold turkey let's go
Did it work?
.
Is tinder really that common and big? never heard of it.
Kasia L did it work
We need more people in the world being this honest and brave.
Hayley is a true inspiration.
+Mia Korab thank you my darling
Mia Korab im a Nigerian guy looking for soul mate you can chart me on whattsap +2348154753945
Of all the love I have ever received , I found self love the most beautiful authentic pure and life changing
May all of us get healed!!
I’m a hopeless romantic 4th year university student who has never dated anyone, so this talk hit me especially hard. Great advice that was much needed!
I actually read her name as Harley Quinn. Not a successful love life
Spoon same haha
Spoon I read it like you... that is why I clicked the video 😂
shit, me either, it makes the title 100% accurate
omg so did I
Harley Quinn quite needs to listen to this talk :P
What a true and beautiful talk 👏🏿
The thought of being alone itself to me is so scary, I find that I need the distraction that a relationship provides because it all makes me feel better in the moment like she said. But truly those distractions are never in fact actual love, they imitate love because that’s what I’m constantly running looking for. To fix/ heal the loneliness and incomplete feeling I have when I’m not with someone.
Meanwhile this new concept of loving and embracing being without a partner, not having to be in love, dealing with my hurtful past and healing myself on my own as an individual sounds much more promising and less destructive than the endless cycles of dramatic and temporary people entering and leaving my life. I am all I need. I am the only cure to my loneliness. My loneliness is something to be embraced and not pushed into a corner of myself. So today I will begin my journey of self healing and potent self love.
I actually came across this one quote about “love” that spoke volume and stuck with me for a while now, it says something along the lines of how... we associate dramatic, fiery, complicated and restless with love because that’s what we believe it to feel like, while in reality love is peaceful and very simple.
Understanding this statement in its simplicity really does help me understand and see that I’ve been chasing the wrong thing this whole time. Hopefully you can realize that too if you’re able to relate in any way. ❤️
Enjoy your beautiful journeys of embracing being alone!
Wow beautifully expressed❤️
Thank you for this....
8 months of being single has taught me so much. Spent that first 4 months chasing after my ex convinced he was the one. More hurt and rejection. But since April it's been different. Letting go and just taking one day at a time. Just loving myself more and focusing one me
Hayley, I cried literally cried at your opening story. I recently experienced a break up as the result of finding out I was pregnant. I miscarried as the result of the constant bouts of crying and depression. I thought I was the only one that got rejected while pregnant and miscarrying. This helped immensely to understand that yes I wasn't dealing with the pain of rejection and pain from my childhood and seeking validation through the affection of another human being. Thank you for your honesty.
hope you found your healing and love yourself much more now
Apache Angel stay strong ❤️
For me, it was when she mentioned who she really was, and I guess lots of people learn to wear a mask in front of people for survival reason, but at the end of the day, we all forget to take the mask off and let our souls breathe again.
Same here
Same thing happened to me. Been single since December 2018 and I've never er experienced so much peace
this one was so raw shes a great public speaker
Hello gorgeous, i’m Brian Richard Gibson. I am a consultant engineer with Shevron oil North. Your post hit home with me and I thought I should approach you for a friendship. I think you got all together. I promise to cherish and care about you always. DM me on Instagram @brianrichlife or text me on: +12679077962. I need to find ❤️ again after years of my partner’s demise. Thank you.
You've come to realize something that I wish I had when I was younger. Also, it's great that we talk about these things now. I'm 55 years older and I do look forward to having a partner in life. Meanwhile I focus on family, friends who love me. I focus on learning what makes me unique and my purpose in life. I spend a lot of time alone as well. It isn't because I am avoiding being hurt. I like myself and am comfortable being alone. And if romantivr love comes my way, what's meant to be, it will be.
I know everyone says the answer lies within yourself, but I just don't know how it can ever compare. No matter how hard I think or try to imagine, I don't think anything can come close to the blissful reality of being in love with someone else and having them love you. I feel like an addict but where the withdrawals never subside.
Been single for a while and I'm going through a growth process at the moment, I gotta say Im kind of looking forward to it. There is something different about this time and since I'm doing it alone, I feel I'm becoming a more stronger, genuine person because I'm doing it by myself with no partner involvement. Not really pushing hard to find a girl but if the opportunity shows up, I'll take it. With that being said, I do believe some people are addicted to being in love or afraid of being by themselves like Hayley stated. Its kind of sad because they're not really trying to benefit the health of the relationship, they're just trying to benefit themselves.
Just Jae U trippin'
This girl is very enlightened and self actualized. Most people could only dream of being as self aware as this young girl
Very good advice. When you need other people to validate you, distract you from your own emptiness, or make you whole, you will always be off centre and unbalanced, running from one disaster to another. I am now finally happy alone; dateless for some 15 years, and never ever desperate.
Love is fleeting. Love is not a basis for a long term future. The tingles won't last and chasing them will be a continuously diminishing return until your ability to date has expired.
So much yes. Went through a very similar phase, and it's so true! If *all* your relationships are with "crazy" men/women, then the common denominator is YOU. Learn to be alone, learn to BE, and most of all, learn to NOT USE relationships to give yourself value or "prestige". As soon as you do, your quality of life improves immeasurably!
Lokipower word! 🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I like pancakes Abusers tend to seek insecure people who won't have the courage to leave them
I loved this reply or comment so much because that is what I have been doing all my life. Coming out of a broken marriage, a broken relationship you realize that as much as you need to be loved, you need to stay true to you as well, and only something as honest as a breakup can do this to you. I have to learn that being in a relationship doesn't validate my self worth, sure it feels so good wchen you're with that person, but you should feel the same when he isn't there anymore... Thank you for this.
.@@nicolekoning2812 e
I give this woman huge kudos for telling her very real story. I have always thought this...and I've noticed that it's no coincidence that....there are many people in this world...we all know people like this...who are 'never' alone. They end one relationship, and within a few weeks they are in another relationship. People are so utterly afraid to be alone, and I agree that for the most part, it's a way of 'avoiding'...for if one is alone and quiet, then one may start to have 'thoughts'...thoughts that could be painful. Society pushes everyone to be part of a couple. This mindset is so prevalent that we don't even realize it. But if you really examine commonly-used phrases in society, it's very clear:"I have a daughter who's 38, but she's STILL SINGLE." (Does anyone ever refer to someone as 'still married'?! Saying someone is 'still single' implies that being single is an aberration, a 'malady' that will hopefully soon be fixed....)"He's a Family Man" (the implication being that as such - married and potentially with children - that such a man is 'trustworthy, mature, responsible, etc'. Therefore, the opposite implication is that a man who's NOT a Family Man is suspect...that he may not be mature or trustworthy....)"Oh, I know a nice man I'd like to introduce you to...." (I'm sorry...did I SAY I was looking to meet someone? And what is it that you think I will have in common with this person...you mean that you assume because we are both single, that we must be sad and lonely and desperate to find another single person to pair-up with??)And so on.I'm not saying that most folks don't have a natural tendency to WANT to be close to someone romantically. But what I am saying is that...society makes it so bloody hard TO BE single, to REMAIN single, that it ends up pushing people towards coupledom...people who might otherwise really not mind being single...or who can wait til the end of time to see if they click with someone...but then because society is so couples-centric, it makes it that much harder for singles. Which is why so many singles then end up making hasty or bad decisions about who to pair-up with. Being alone in and of itself shouldn't suck. It's just that society makes it so.
I completley agree, its society that has made being 'single' such a taboo, my aunty was a headteacher in the 1940s- first in her country and she never married or had children. She was extremley into her passion of teaching and travelled the world and had so many passions and interests.. She also had so many suitors who wanted her but she just said 'none of them brought much into my life or maintained her interest'. She died a millionaire and lived a long and happy life and left a huge legacy behind- so many children were thankful for her contribution to society and what she did for them. It goes to show that NOT EVERYONE wants marriage, kids etc, it's simply not for everyone. AND SOCIETY SHOULD NOT STIGMATIZE THIS!!! SO I FEEL SOCIETY HAS CONSTRUCTED THIS IDEAL OF EVERYONE SHOULD COUPLE UP EVENTUALLY ETC ETC. It's a load of bull, i say choose out of life what makes you happy and not what society has imposed on you.
I feel every single word you wrote. Now in society "single"="desesperately looking for love"
lisa evers, you nailed it. Spot on! :)
who cares what society says! would you care what an insane person said to you? Nope! that means you shouldnt care what an insane society says either!
lisa evers up
High recommend this book... Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships
Was looking to read this the other day actually
I learned this the hard way two weeks ago after a breakup. I'm eternally grateful for the lesson and my openness to accept and finally hear myself.
It's a one way ticket. A painful trip, but worth every second of it.
You have to be capable of loving yourself before you can really love another person or receive love from another person. Without self love as a core we are too broken and unaware to be ready to be part of a couple. And without self love, we are more likely to be insecure and unable to to accept that someone loves us (or not) without a filter of insecurity or illusion blocking good efforts or preventing us from seeing bad ones.
Plus, it's more interesting to meet someone who is capable of enjoying their own company. They tend to be more balanced and to know who they are.
Are you mаking thееse mistаkеs with уour maaаn? twitter.com/792a5f97c2a018822/status/804693412402241537 Sеаrсhing for lоvе to esсape ourselvеs Hаyley Quinn TЕЕDxUniveeеrsityоfNеvaаaadа
Kathy Coleman do you think that someone with depression can love themsleves at the same time. I just want an outside opinion
Find S*хy Singles => twitter.com/eb807ebd4b3c68959/status/801992405775826944 Searching foor looove to eescaaaape ourselves Hayley Quinn TEDxUniversityyofNevaada
What Мen REALLY Want => twitter.com/daedde27a0f187927/status/804693412402241537 Seеаarсhing fоoоor lovе to escape оoourselves Hаyley Quinn TЕDxUnivеrsityofNеvada
Kathy Coleman i have a legit question: what if you are totally comfortable with most of our self? you do your best to make everyone happy and technically loving them when other couldnt? what if you arent insecure about yourself...but i still have little self love. im more of self deprecation and perfectionism but does that mean Im totally incapable of being a couple? i have little self love but am i so incapable of receiving love? (this is a question thats bugged me for years and you dont have to reply if you dont want to :) Good day!
I literally cried watching this video. I just don’t know, I just did. I’m at a stage where I’m feeling that I’m lost. And sometimes I just felt like I don’t know what I really want in my life. Honestly, I did some fantasy dreaming to covered up my pain. Those fantasy won’t last long. I wanted a boyfriend but I’m not confident about it anymore bcs of my past experiences. I hope I am strong enough to continue my life and focus more on myself. Thanks for the great talk, Hayley Quinn. It’s inspired me 😭
Hey, I'm the same way, I can relate to what you're saying. You aren't alone...I plan to follow her advice and really try to focus my thoughts elsewhere. We can do this!!
i know exactly how you feel girl
Salaam, may Allah swt grant you the man and the life you deserve. Once you work to become a better version of yourself, you attract high quality people, and (alhamdoulillah), high quality men who will be willing to be your husband. Do not settle for boyfriends or people who just want to flirt and see how far they can go with you. Be intentional about what you want out of life, and become non negociable about it.
Do some ptsd work on yr self, some great youtube vids on subject. You r good enough, you are enough just because, just because yr a human being. So there. Be the best friend you r looking for, too yourself, easy really. Dry yr eyes and look for that lost child in you that yr crying for in the first place. Hope that makes sense. We are all a work in progress. Ps is that all there is. (Good tune) look it . Blessed yr heart.
Mark
Tbh everything she says is relatable to me. But guess what. I really also decide not to be weak anymore.
I always go back to watch here whenever I feel lost or distracted again. I am work in progress. 🌻
When we come to the end of ourselves, we find ourselves. After 62 years I found myself. From a narcissistic father & enabling mother, physical & mental abuse, through 2 marriages & 2 long-term relationships based on fear & physical abuse, to 18 years of avoiding dating & men in general while raising the youngest son alone, given 'permission' by youngest son to 'go & be happy', then choosing the worst possible marital (3rd) relationship within 7 yrs with a covert narcissist, I was awakened and thru spiritual healing & indepth counseling was finally able to understand myself, my part in those relationships and to absolutely fully trust I needed to love myself first before I could ever allow myself another relationship. I've realized I needed to know myself, to change myself, not allow others to change me into who they think I am or into their little memes. This ALONENESS this time around has been most, most rewarding.
What you wrote was beautiful Lucy. How are you in life today?
The guy who left as she was miscarrying their child was most likely a narcissist....and frankly, the type of dating she was describing sounds completely narcissistic. Her ultimate message here seems to be "we all need to eventually grow up and be authentic to be sane" This has always been true. I applaud her for literally demonstrating this by laying it all out there because it's a truth that far too many people disregard as "boring" in an age of increasing narcissism.
This is not about him.
But he can still comment about him lol why not
The person looking for validation and worth in relationships is the PERFECT partner for a narcissist. The person in love with love is just naive and optimistic enough to think they can love the narcissist back together again. The narcissist only needs to show them a fairytale fantasy for a few months and that person is hooked. The ups and downs are a high. The promise of happily ever after just around the corner is like the dangling carrot that keeps you trying to make it work. Happily ever after is a destination you'll never get to if you are constantly trying to fill something in you with someone else.
@@Marixpress2 you nailed it!
This happened to me. 5.5 years together and every moment was wonderful. We were best friends and soul mates. He was kind. I got depressed and had a miscarriage. He ended the relationship the next day. The reason: his cup was empty. (???)
wow, what a painfully honest talk. thank you for the courage it took to share.
First found this video at 17 and it affected me greatly. I get back to it every now and then, gets me every time. She's so raw and honest.
Such a true statement: "Searching for. love to escape ourselves." We have all done it and continue to do it.
This is so me. Alone, lonely chaos addicted learning who I am and what I want and love.
You're on the right step dearie
Hayley I can relate to your story so much. I have definitely used dating to escape! When I was 18 I began dating my first boyfriend ....I loved him so much but it turns out he didn't feel the same way about me.After that relationship ended I put up with being used and mistreated by guys so many times because I didn't want to be alone. I figured a little bit of love was better than none. Today at 21 I'm ready to end the cycle! Thank you for not being afraid to be honest.
Put your effort into your craft... you won't regret it in ten years, I guarantee it! And take care of your health... #1.
I wish I could start again at 21. I was already a hardcore love addict and pleasure seeker by then. I was looking to find The One so much that I lose myself again and again and again.
If I could go back, I would tell myself to not give anyone “the benefit of the doubt.” For me, that was just fancy language for ignoring red flags and going against my intuition.
When she was talking about coming home to a house with no possessions and how sad that was. That is exactly what im going through now, coming home to a lonely room with no one but myself, its so sad, i just want to cry when i come home
"just be, that's real love "
This is ever so priceless ma'am. ♥️♥️
Spot on. When I had my heart broken I accepted it, I didn’t fight him on it because inside I was thinking of all the goals I need to work on for myself, all the things I’ve been running from in my life... I wanted to forget, but his rejection made me face it; it’s all I had left
I'm trying to become a romance song writer. Hope you enjoy some of my lyrics.
After rejection I am not accepting the fact And waiting for him So he Came one day and save me
Beautiful very honest and full of truth.
+Johnny Berba Coaching thank you johnny! I know you resonate with this
+Johnny Berba Coaching Hey Johnny. Great seeing you on here. Would like to talk to you matey.
I sincerely wish to see you on Tedx one day Johnny.
NOT QUITE
We tend to believe people we find attractive more than regular looking people
this made me think... i have felt many times, mostly at an unconscious level, that I need another person in order to feel alive, in order to feel like i exist, and i care. i never admitted it to myself up until now. at the moment, i see mainly the problem, my problems, but not the way to get out of them
With my health issues it's showed me how strong I am. I passed the hardest moments alone. Last year in November I woke up from my surgery crying that I was still alive. The daily pain is still aweful, but I'm greatfull I'm seeing through the fog of the BS that society has deemed "the right way."
Thank you for these words ❤️❤️
She really touched my soul, i needed to hear this.
I personally prefer to be single. If you don’t love yourself, no one will! Never forget that. Just like Whitney said “Learning to love yourself it is the greatest love of all.”
After a hard break up, I too decided to go more or less hermit, enjoying myself, my time with myself, for nearly 15 years. I started a great career, have a nice apartment and all I need. Then she came into our office, beautiful, young, charming and she showed interest. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only guy in her life and she destroyed everything. All my tranquility and peace was gone. Now 8 months later I'm here trying to recover from the hardest crush I've ever had, almost lost my mind. It took me 15 years to recover and heal from the last heartbreak only to fell into the same trap with another girl. I ask what's the point then?
My ex came back to me few days ago ❤️ I got help from a Relationship Restorer Dr Steve Who was able to mend back my broken relationship and make my ex to come back and beg for a second chance. He can bring your ex back
W-hatsap him⏬
Dont listen to bring you ex comment, how are you?
This talk is so raw and beautifully honest. Thank you Hayley for sharing this. I know hundreds of women that are going through the same thing right now who are now more aware of the destruction they are causing to themselves by focusing on love for escapism.
But I've been alone practically all my life. I'm definitely not the type who goes from one relationship to another. I've had only two relationships in my life, and several years passed between one and the other. And last year I met someone wonderful, with whom I knew circumstances made it very very difficult to be in a serious relationship, but I still got deeply attached, knowing that in the end I would end up alone, more lonely than before, when at least I thought I had myself. My point is, it's not that I haven't spent time with myself, because, believe me, I have. I think the issue is perhaps learning to love yourself, regardless of having dates or not. You may spend years on your own, and one good day someone might come along and sweep you off your feet, and if you're not well prepared, you might end up feeling horribly miserable.
Su Tash, Perfectly put.
100% true
Wow, crazy how I can totally relate to this!!
true
i have been alone also and really need someone from 45 upward to chat with on hangout
every young woman's lessons
Ykeir 100%
i can name more men that can benefit from these lessons than women
@@matamorosa Don't make it a competition.
God tells you to wait for a reason: that is love, be patient
I’ve been waiting for years now it’s gets pretty lonely 😔
Waiting is only a myth
@@MsSmashone did u get anyone now?
I hope one day I revisit this comment and I am happy again. 2 months out of my husband asking for a divorce and I’m broken. I need to rebuild myself for my son - he’s just a toddler, he needs his mom. ❤️ good luck to all these other strong people on here. We’ll get better
Everything will be fine, you are a wonderful mother
and it's important that if you want a healthy relationship. you have to be aware that everyone has pain everyone is plagued by al sorts of additions like money power attention validation etc. So be open speak to your partner and listen to him or her. be there for each other. there isn't one person out there that is perfect. treat the other like you treat yourself as a child that needs support and love. if you treat your partner like he or she is the ultimate person with no fear than. it's bound to fail.
Hayley, I thought this talk was very moving. I love your openness and honesty.
+Chris Payne thank you for watching Chris
Still searching +33757911329
my boyfriend sent me this as a break up video... so cool. :-D :-D :-D
Stay strong hon.
Eternity Aw, thank you darling. I am fine💕
@@carolynn3699 so good ❤️ god bless. 😊😊❤️❤️
Eternity God bless you too💕 such an amazing person😇💕
Hope your doing good now~ 💞
going to do more things for myself, like exercise, pottery, and cooking, so that i feel like i'm living in the moment. used to think these things were a waste of time, but maybe these activities will ground me, and make me feel happy
I read your name as Harley Quinn!
I thought I was the only one 😂😂
I was looking for this comment haha
GIRLLLLLLLLLL ME TOO
Same 😂
Me too! More times i would like to admit
I've found that much of what she says in true. She is right that it does bring a sense of peace and purpose. I think she neglects the fact that you will be alone most of the time. That's why even monks who take this to the next level still live together. She offers a way to find peace, but not to connect to anyone else. If you want marriage, children, or friends, you'll have to do other things that she doesn't talk about.
This ties into the sense of validation we get when we believe someone loves us, if we’re lovable as individuals with all of our problems & inadequacies then those problems can’t be that bad. This way of thinking also prevents us from fixing those pieces we don’t like about ourselves, if they’re accepted by someone we value, why bother? Easy mindset to fall into but it isn’t progressive to ourselves
nailed it. I lost my husband after a long long married life. I was grateful I turned inward, read and took the opportunity to examine my life. I do not mind being by myself. It's lonely but I always know better days are up ahead- I'm patient. You are wise beyond your years. You nailed it and have the opportunity to influence lots of young people like you who are not used to be by themselves at all.
When you can just be. THAT hit me hard. I agree with you 100% because I am experiencing a snippet of what you said.
This really makes me feel a bit happier. At the moment I’m just a young buck turning 21 in less than 5 months. I’m finishing my first semester in college and working as a full time Dental Assistant, and about 6-7 months ago I ended my relationship with my ex girlfriend. The relationship did not have a great start and I forced it on to her. During our fits, I’ll admit it I was the outrageous one, I was the one who made things worse when she was having issues with me. We broke up 4 times and got back together 3. Now she’s off 5 hours away in college and she’s met someone else. As for me I’m still home and I’ve felt extreme loneliness, like I could, should, and would never love not be loved. I have no social life because of work and school. But in the between I fit in calisthenics and I try to pick up on hobbies I’d like to try out. But this video has made remember that it’s ok to be alone. Yes, it’s hard as you scroll through social media and see everyone else live and love to the fullest. But in this case being alone will only make you stronger. You’re not going to be alone forever, only when you need to be. I need to remember that.
I hope in the past 2 years your social life has improved and that you’ve been able to grow as a person. You deserve it
That shot @11:56 of the audience smiling at her almost made me tear up, look how proud they are.
very true we are scared of being alone and sometimes end up with the wrong person then, later on, we realize it is not what we were looking for but we still stay and compromise