An individual with a narcissistic personality style has such a skewed view of the world. It's like their reality filter was drug behind a tractor for 10 acres! They only see themselves, and even THAT view is warped! Stay Healthy, Y'all!!
8:57 Thanks for answering my question, Dr. C. I appreciate the validation. It's no fun being the only one who "gets it" in my family of origin. I simply refuse to be a narcissist like my father.
Parental alienation in our family has affected four generations and lots of extended family, all the work of one covert narcissist, my mother. In each generation, people are missing out on love and happy times together. My Daddy attempted suicide and my stepfather drank too much, both suffering by not being allowed to see their children; and I can relate now, having had two of my children alienated by their poisonous Granny, which means we can’t see our grandchildren either. Most of the time I am living my new life, free of bullies, but now and then I am plunged into despair. The smear campaigns went on for decades. I learned too late what was wrong and better ways of responding. Sometimes it takes my breath away.
Can you speak to the use of silence as contol narrative, silence as rage, silence to silence others. Almost game like use of silence. With the specific purpose being to exacerbate your own rumination, trying to figure out if you are the crazy one. I mean you can ask a direct simple question like do you work tonight? Or did you pay the bill? And they will look at you and walk away or change the subject or leave a text on read. And you could ask the question 20 times and they just repeatedly don't answer. Until you spin up and look like the crazy one.
It's taken me a long while to work out but th silence is a form of vindictiveness in my experiences with my mother. It's to punish. It's very cruel behaviour because it leaves the victim floundering. Plus there is no winning against it and they have plausible deniability. Try to get them to talk or chase after them and you're fawning, erupt and they can make you look like the abusive one. Either way you're left feeling crazy.
A big part of my being able to distance from the narcissist was therapy to heal my insecure attachment style. I found education on that subject and the inner work really helpful, and very do-able. It made advice like "just stay away" actually reach me on the inside. Now I'm not a good fit with them, thankfully. As always for me, I've needed professional support both for doing the work and then for handling the backlash from the change.
Greetings from Colombia!. Dr.Carter, Team Healthy and Colombian Coffee....this is what I call "Processing life with style".....All the love & blessings back at you Dr. Carter and your family. Great contribution to humanity🎀CJimz
I have a so-called friend in a friendship group. She is toxic, manipulative, and a user. Over the years, I have visited her in hospital, included her at Christmas, given her lifts, had her to stay overnight. She has treated me abominably, and the last time I visited her in hospital I left in tears. After that, I decided never to help her again and to minimise contact with her. She now has lymphoma and has sent out a list of requests for help from her friends. I ignored her request. She has family here, she is not alone. Does this make me a bad person, or do I have the right to protect myself from her cruelty and power games?
@snowbear1877 I've had a friend like this. I never regret anything that I've done, but I wouldn't do anything for her again. There's no reciprocation down a one-way street. Take care🙏🌸
@SherryWilson-dk7bo This woman actually gives me the creeps. Her cousin murdered his wife for a life insurance payout. Is now in gaol and feels he has a right to see his kids. I wonder if narcissism has a genetic component. Must ask Dr Carter one day.
I told my narcissist my boundaries and will not live by his way of life. His response was "Where do we go from here" and I said "it's up to you." Needless to say, no change. To lazy on forward thinking for any resolution.
@Mom-277 my husband says he wants me to pay rent or move out. Then another time he said it's time we realize you hurt me too much I'm done. But I live you. You don't love me because you look for ways to stay away everyday. Then the next day I had a migraine and went right to bed after church and slept 3 hours, when I got up.He said want to go out to eat, there's this great new place. Pull yourself together and we'll go. As if the other 2 nights conversation never happened!
That's the problem, there is no open communication or honesty. Trying to get there just makes things worse in my experience. You can't get close because they have an invisible wall up,.
If you can say there is a humorous side to the crazy you relate it so well, Dr Carter. That you can get a smile or chuckle out of such a negative situation gives us all a chance to see the absurdity of it. 😏 I look forward to narc math!
Can you talk about how anger plays out in a person that was raised by narcissistic parents, and does the anger and frustration in that situation indicate narcissism? Thank you!
For what it's worth, I ate at Fleetwood's restaurant in Maui about 6-7 years ago. It was burned down in last year's fire. Anyway, they sure made good music!
I never had the ability to escape my mother's control because she used our connection as a means of control and if I deviated from her script there would be hell to pay. She even abused me physically if I did not comply. It took 45 yrs to get away from her control. Sadly😪
I could stand back and watch the narc screaming in my face..but after years of this treatment i became reactive, triggered, and now i get sucked into their games and defend myself, trying to do better, but more and more was never enough. Im traumatized for life, your brain changes.
Narcs just project on autopilot & this isn’t conscious… simply like shifting gears in a manual automobile, but we’ve got the benefit of witnessing exactly what they think about themselves at a level of denial that they’re never gonna go to…
Top of the morning, DrC! You were spot on yesterday when you said I was up early haha! Since my son has been on his dream Japan trip, I’ve been going into the store early to keep up on things not having his help the past couple of weeks. In this video when you said the baby is 14 months old, my jaw dropped! Wow time really does fly!!! This holiday season is going to be so fun for yall with those ages! Enjoy!
Also in New Zealand. Listening to the replay. Your podcasts are very helpful Dr Les. I would love to know more options on how to handle things if in a long term relationship with someone with NPD where leaving may not be an option. Thanks
My question would be why do they 'help' BUT allow you no choices as to what that help looks like, so that if you disagree or ask for it to be different, they then throw back in your face that you're thoughtless and ungrateful.
I wake up happy...He woke up miserable..the slightest inconvenience would send him into a rage ...like traffic or a mistake when you order food...and I remember thinking who cares....why are you always so mad and miserable..... why are you always so unhappy and combative.....now I have begun to educate myself and understand its internal
This narc woman i live with pulled something out of our fridge today and showed it to our daughter and told her it was no good but proceeded to place it back in our refrigerator. I said to her " well since its no good why not just throw it out". She hasnt spoke to me since...
Hello Dr. C, My ex-boyfriend coldly discarded me with a 3 line text message (after 2 year) refusing to explain why he "needed to be alone". He seems to have got together with someone else within a week or two. He may have been together with her before it was clear to me that our relationship was over. How does one get beyond this feeling of being discarded, disposable and replaceable. And, how does one get beyond the feeling of disgust with a coldhearted covert narcissist, who cannot even end something well and doesn't seem to care?
Here's a question for Dr. C and everybody - I'm away from the narcissist. (Yay.) But sometimes I fall back into the negative thinking and feelings from my time around that person. How can I pull myself back up?
My notes, with time stamps: 3:29 Q: "I'd like to know if they really ever forget you and just move on?" Dr. C: They'll often drop these breadcrumbs so that you'll come back to them. They're desperate to think "I can't possibly be the loser. If the relationship has come down, I've got to make you to look like the loser." They're playing games with themselves every bit as much as they're playing games with you. "If I can convince you, then I can convince myself that I still have a whole lot more desirability left." "You'd probably like to be around me, but too bad." They like to play that kind of game, so from time to time they can sidle up next to you and say "How's it going? I sure do miss you. I hope everything's great." And you're thinking, "Wow, they're being really friendly." But that's part of the hoovering - trying to suck you back in because they really need you to think 'what a nice person.' It's their way of trying to mess with you. It's a form of gaslighting. They're trying to keep you confused. But really they're trying to convince themselves "I'm the better person." Sometimes just toying with you is it's own form of utility to them. "It allows me to declare myself the winner and you the loser." They play games with you because they play games with themselves, and they're specifically playing games with the truth. 7:51 Every now and then, and I mean less than 5% of the time, when a person breaks up with a really strongly narcissistic person, the narcissist can make some pretty strong adjustments. If a person is going to truly make some change, it tends to be in moments of crisis. So sometimes they can fool you. "I've hit rock bottom and I'm going to make some healthy adjustments." But one of the signs that this is not hoovering is they're also going to say "And if you choose not to accompany me on my journey, I get it because of what I've done. I'm not going to make any kind of requirements." Usually that's a good sign. If they're saying, "Come on, you need to come along with me," then that's a sign that says they are still trying to be in control, so don't buy into that. 8:59 W: "Will you address those of us raised by narcissistic parents who only affirmed us if we demonstrated traits of narcissism ourselves. I never felt comfortable treating other people that way." Dr. C: They can try to teach you to be combative and confrontive and dismissive. Or it may be that Mom and Dad will teach you to have elitist attitudes. Give yourself permission to be separate and distinct from them. "Just because I was under their influence doesn't mean that they establish everything about me." (MY NOTE: Don't be guilty of operating a life under the influence of narcissism. Yeah, terrible joke, I know.) They were coming toward you based on what they knew and they had not advanced very far in their early adult years. I give myself permission to be the healthier version of who I am and if that means that I wind up not having the inner circle position that that I might otherwise have, then so be it. That's a cost I'm willing to pay. 14:50 Q: 🙂 "Would you address the dynamic in which a narcissist takes something good, for example Thanksgiving dinner, and makes it very unpleasant. For example, bullying someone at the Thanksgiving table and harassing them the rest of the evening. And then gaslights others with something along the lines of "They're such terrible people not to spend Thanksgiving with the family." Dr. C: Consider the source. I'm not going to take it seriously. They did it last year and the year before that and the year before that and before I showed up somebody else was a scapegoat. How many times have you had to defend yourself and it worked? The answer is it doesn't work, so save your energy. Give yourself permission to be different. Just be true to yourself when that person tries to hijack the holidays. (MY NOTE: Thank you, Dr. C!) 19:23 Q: "It can be difficult to be strong and not take it personally when someone hurls insults at you. I've never had anyone but my narcissistic ex speak to me like that. I feel so deflated. Where do they get off thinking that they can talk to you like that?" Dr. C: Narcissists don't process life the same as you do. When a narcissist comes at you with all of this harshness and criticism and agitation, it's their way of saying "I feel good about myself when I can make someone feel bad about themselves." When they treat you poorly, what they're really saying is "I'm rude. I'm mean-spirited. I have no empathy. I'm condescending. I have no willingness to try to meet people where they are." That's the major message. The insult speaks much more about the one who gives it than the one who receives. Then this implies that you need to learn how to have a detached objectivity. Remind yourself, "The narcissist is desperate for me to allow them to have space in my head. I'm not going to allow that." 23:27 Q: "My partner told me that he wanted me to fear him. He was so in my face, he was whispering in my ear, 'I want you to fear me.' What does he think he's going to accomplish?" Dr. C: That's a sick person. Fear means that I find you untrustworthy. Fear does not mean that you have to be paralyzed. I'm hoping that you can start looking for the exit. 27:18 Q: 🙂 "Why do narcissists have psychological laziness?" Dr. C: What's the opposite of laziness? Initiative or forward moving or open-mindedness. Narcissists at the very core of their being are terribly selfish. There are a whole lot of other individuals out there I could probably learn from by opening myself up to others. But then their thought is "That might require work. That might require adjustment. I don't want to do that." In their need to be in control, they've just declared "I'm a finished product." or "If you don't like the way I do things, tough." The healthy person says "Why don't we approach our relationships with a sense of planning? Why don't we approach our relationships with empathy? Why don't we approach our relationships with patience and our higher priorities where we look out for one another and have a healthy sense of curiosity?" And that narcissistic person says "Why don't we build our relationship on my instincts? Why don't we just flow with my mood of the moment? I don't feel the need to think about context or nuance. I don't feel the need for future thinking. I don't have any need for analytical thinking." They refer psychological laziness because it's their own form of control. In fact, I have contended for decades now, probably the most controlling person is the passive aggressive because they're so stubborn that you can't move them off of anything. (MY NOTE: Thank you Dr. C! That is so beneficial to my understanding.) 30:17 Q: "Are covert narcissist basically introverts and are overt narcissist basically extroverts?" Dr. C: Nope, not at all. It's much more of a mixture and it's much more complex than that. 33:36 Q: "Do all narcissists follow the same script? The person I know also keeps saying 'I'm not angry, I'm just feeling frustrated,' while escalating with very rude non-verbal cues and voice." Dr. C: They can come at you from very different angles but then there are certain core patterns that they tend to fall into that are highly predictable. There are about 75 different ways that narc that anger can play out, so it's not a one-dimensional thing at all. When a person says "I'm not angry, I just feel frustrated," what they're saying is "I'm just not very keen on understanding emotions." We're back to psychological laziness. "I've never really taken the time to even think about what my statement says." Realize, "You may not think of yourself as being an angry individual, but I see it for what it is." 37:00 Q: "Why does the narcissist give you the silent treatment when you assert your boundaries? Why does it feel like I'm going crazy in questioning myself internally because of the blame shifting?" Dr. C: Boundaries starts with having a very clear definition of who you are. So the narcissist can come along with all of their unhealthiness and say "Well actually it's all about me." Yeah, sometimes it's going to require you to say no, but ultimately what you're doing is you're saying yes yourself. (MY NOTE: Dr. C, this is the most touching explanation of boundaries I have ever encountered.) It's not you being controlling, it's just you exercising your free choice in a healthy kind of way. And the narcissist can think, "Wait a minute, you can't do that." What it reveals is they are thinking, "But it's all about me. I don't coordinate. I don't want to listen. I don't want to bend. I don't want to try to understand where you're coming from." 40:32 Q: "Would you address narcissists and their sexual demands? My husband was never happy about our sexual relations. He would keep track of how many times we had sex and throw it in my face. He didn't understand that after grilling me that day I certainly didn't feel like being in with him. It hurt me so much and made me feel like a failure in the bedroom." Dr. C: What's the meaning behind sex? In its best case, it's affirmation, it's tuning in. We're talking about connecting at a heart level. How heart level are narcissists? Basically they're functional and to them sex is a function. The narcissist says "The reason we have sex is because I have an agenda. You have to be useful in the moment because you're going to you're going to satisfy my agenda." They're transactional and in sexuality it's one of the most egregious ways for a narcissist to show a demeaning attitude because it's such so personal.
I have ended a friendship with a narcissist. She and I share the same group of friends. Am yellow rocking her. I see that she is working her charm with anyone she thinks I am establishing a closer friendship. Consequently I am in many situations in which she is present. She is being exceptionally nice to me ( hovering). How should I proceed with the friends as I feel that she is trying to put a wedge there.? She has also ignored me as a co-leader a Church group and has delegated duties to others rather than talk it over with me and has , on her own, proceeded with structure of the next study without contacting or even mentioning to me. Do I just ignore this or call her out?
1. Do they forget you? I have no idea but they sure do seam to move on fast.. I would say that they don't forgive.. They hold onto resentment.. 2. Parent's traits.. This is an interesting question because there is a double standard.. They want me to be mean to other people but nice to them.. 3. Holidays.. I took a break from "The Family" for many years and when I came back I noticed all the craziness and I noticed how "They" did not want to talk about it.. 4. Insulted.. I am probably going to get some flack for this but I believe that it is ok to yell at them FU.. I say this because it is more important for me to stand up for myself and not to abandon myself then it is HOW I say something or HOW I respond.. Yes they are important but I can practice that after I stand up for myself and not abandon myself.. 5. Fear.. I think they all want us to fear them.. This one just openly said it.. 6. Psychological laziness.. I look at it that it works for them according to them.. 7. Covert-Introvert/Overt-Extravert.. They may share similar qualities but I look at it differently.. My mom did like to be around people but she would do sneaky stuff behind their backs.. I know others that are similar to that.. 8. Do they all follow the same script?.. I would say that there are a lot of red flags or similarities.. 9. Silent treatment.. I have been given the silent treatment many times by different people.. When someone gives me the silent treatment I need to get out of people-pleasing mode and be honest about myself about the harm that they are trying to do with their intentions.. I also need to learn to give the silent treatment or grey rocking people.. 10. Sex.. Narcissism is about control and sex can be a form of control.. I think this question could be a topic.. Was it Freud that formed a form of Psychology based on sex? There is a lot with this topic..
Hello Dr. C, I was wondering how it is possible to get past the hurt and humiliation of being devalued, coldly discarded as if a disposable woman, with the narcissist ex-boyfriend already being with another women within a week or two of us breaking up (or perhaps even before)?
But King Carter, what do you think of people misusing the word ‘responsibility’ (Jordan Peterson) And the difference between responsibility and accountability
Dr. C how would you interpret a narcissist who feels the need to touch you? I've gone grey rock and now my father in law every time were around him he feels the need to touch me when he greets me, whether that be tap my shoulder or tap my chest. Am I reading into this too much or is that his way of telling me "you're not getting away from me buddy"?
It's his way of crossing your boundaries, invading your personal space and putting you off balance. My husband's late covert narc mother was always standing waaay to close, touching you and making you uncomfortable. She'd get inches away from your face to try to make you back away. She was creepy.
My husband is like the one you described at the end. He kept track of the times we had sex and will give me the silent treatment until we had sex again and then the cicle started over again. He would criticize the way I performed sexually and parts of my body. For me sex means anxiety. I’m currently separated and will be divorced soon. My mental and physical health couldn’t take it anymore.
Hi Dr. C, I'm wondering if you have noticed a trend of narcissists displaying markedly poor absorption of the culture that surrounds them. I've seen shocking gaps that anyone else alive would remember. That is until I realized that they only remember things that affected them personally. (And they mock others with "Why do you even remember that?") Is this because they process even large scale current events through a self-focused, unempathetic filter that discards anything meaningless to them?
I don't know if you've answered this one before: why might a narcissist be attracted to a planned community, such as an ecovillage? My guess is that they see it as a pool of people they can take advantage of, like an extra large source of supply. How can the community deal with such a person?
Update: they dropped the case against him. Why do they get away with everything? And the victims end up getting hurt. Shorter version: My covert narcissist ex husband gave my then 16 year old daughter shots of alcohol and got her to vape and told her not to tell me. Last month they went there and "accidently" consumed weed laced cookies (where we live it's still illegal and they are 11 and 16 years old) I contacted DCS/CPS and they are doing an investigation into him. But he's doing the poor me victimization and told my kids that since I don't respect him he won't respect me. No ounce of worry about his children whatsoever. Can he really be that dense when it comes to the safety, responsibility and protection of our children? His family enables him and and I know they are going to think I'm doing this to "keep him away from them" because they have said things like that before. Do they really not see it? Does he not really see the problems in himself? How can he hurt his children and not care how they feel? I feel angry hurt and frustrated that my children have to be around that. I don't know what to do sometimes and just feel like he is always going to get away with hurting people.
Growing up I was never asked how I felt……of what I can remember. I remember being able to choose an instrument to play, the extra curriculum activity I wanted to be involved in, any University I could get into I could go, but never asked how I felt about it. I feel grateful although maybe I wasn’t “nurtured?”
Hi Dr. Carter. I know people have different backgrounds, cultures, religious beliefs, and political views. But what if someone takes their beliefs too far, to the point where we can’t just disagree and act like everything is normal? Also, do you think the rise of narcissism is contributing to extreme views?
Can these narcissist have multi twisted personality perspectives. He's from one extreme to another then acts as if nothing happened. I really feel I'm going crazy some days. He is nice if he is showing off to people. Behind closed doors like Dr jerkle and Mr. tying to get my hide! He often does his own thing and gets pissed if I fail to tell him if I decide to do something else and not tell him, so many double standards. If it's not his idea, or his joke, I shouldn't want to do it, or laugh at anything funny even on a TV show unless he laughs 1st. I could list examples, I see and hear nany of these things. How can I keep boundaries if he won't even listen or recognize them. I need another way to approach him with the boundaries I'm trying to set to become healthy. How can I say yes to myself, when he make life unbearable 💔 😢 ☹️
“If you want to keep your thoughts to yourself, that would be okay with me.” 😆🔥🔥🔥
Thanks you again Dr.c.we always watch wkly. Thanks so much for being there
Always welcome!
An individual with a narcissistic personality style has such a skewed view of the world. It's like their reality filter was drug behind a tractor for 10 acres! They only see themselves, and even THAT view is warped! Stay Healthy, Y'all!!
@@BaraSchmidt Yes! Take care 🙏🌸
8:57 Thanks for answering my question, Dr. C. I appreciate the validation. It's no fun being the only one who "gets it" in my family of origin. I simply refuse to be a narcissist like my father.
Good for you!
Thanks for sending the Q!!
I’m trying to get info for my retired friend in another state. Her family charges her too much rent but no low income housing alternatives.
Parental alienation in our family has affected four generations and lots of extended family, all the work of one covert narcissist, my mother. In each generation, people are missing out on love and happy times together. My Daddy attempted suicide and my stepfather drank too much, both suffering by not being allowed to see their children; and I can relate now, having had two of my children alienated by their poisonous Granny, which means we can’t see our grandchildren either. Most of the time I am living my new life, free of bullies, but now and then I am plunged into despair. The smear campaigns went on for decades. I learned too late what was wrong and better ways of responding. Sometimes it takes my breath away.
Can you speak to the use of silence as contol narrative, silence as rage, silence to silence others. Almost game like use of silence. With the specific purpose being to exacerbate your own rumination, trying to figure out if you are the crazy one. I mean you can ask a direct simple question like do you work tonight? Or did you pay the bill? And they will look at you and walk away or change the subject or leave a text on read. And you could ask the question 20 times and they just repeatedly don't answer. Until you spin up and look like the crazy one.
Oooh, yes please!
It's taken me a long while to work out but th silence is a form of vindictiveness in my experiences with my mother. It's to punish. It's very cruel behaviour because it leaves the victim floundering. Plus there is no winning against it and they have plausible deniability. Try to get them to talk or chase after them and you're fawning, erupt and they can make you look like the abusive one. Either way you're left feeling crazy.
Sending much love from New Zealand🍃💛🌺🪷✨🍃
Thanks, Andrea. Love received, with gratitude!
Go team healthy
A big part of my being able to distance from the narcissist was therapy to heal my insecure attachment style. I found education on that subject and the inner work really helpful, and very do-able. It made advice like "just stay away" actually reach me on the inside. Now I'm not a good fit with them, thankfully. As always for me, I've needed professional support both for doing the work and then for handling the backlash from the change.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This podcast has been very helpful for me, too.
Glad it was helpful!
Greetings from Colombia!. Dr.Carter, Team Healthy and Colombian Coffee....this is what I call "Processing life with style".....All the love & blessings back at you Dr. Carter and your family. Great contribution to humanity🎀CJimz
Hi Claudia...Glad to be with you there in Columbia!!
So agree.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I take your wisdom with me everywhere I go, it is an honor.🎀CJimz
I have a so-called friend in a friendship group. She is toxic, manipulative, and a user.
Over the years, I have visited her in hospital, included her at Christmas, given her lifts, had her to stay overnight. She has treated me abominably, and the last time I visited her in hospital I left in tears.
After that, I decided never to help her again and to minimise contact with her.
She now has lymphoma and has sent out a list of requests for help from her friends. I ignored her request. She has family here, she is not alone.
Does this make me a bad person, or do I have the right to protect myself from her cruelty and power games?
@snowbear1877 I've had a friend like this. I never regret anything that I've done, but I wouldn't do anything for her again. There's no reciprocation down a one-way street.
Take care🙏🌸
Snow, I agree with Amanda, take good care of yourself, you deserve it ❤🙂✨️🙏
@SherryWilson-dk7bo This woman actually gives me the creeps. Her cousin murdered his wife for a life insurance payout. Is now in gaol and feels he has a right to see his kids. I wonder if narcissism has a genetic component. Must ask Dr Carter one day.
This was amazing today. Happy I caught this live. Thank you, Dr. Carter im definitely inspired 💛
Glad you enjoyed it!
I told my narcissist my boundaries and will not live by his way of life. His response was "Where do we go from here" and I said "it's up to you." Needless to say, no change. To lazy on forward thinking for any resolution.
@Mom-277 my husband says he wants me to pay rent or move out. Then another time he said it's time we realize you hurt me too much I'm done. But I live you. You don't love me because you look for ways to stay away everyday. Then the next day I had a migraine and went right to bed after church and slept 3 hours, when I got up.He said want to go out to eat, there's this great new place. Pull yourself together and we'll go. As if the other 2 nights conversation never happened!
You definitely cannot reason with these people. There is no room for manoeuvre. They won't change.
That's the problem, there is no open communication or honesty. Trying to get there just makes things worse in my experience. You can't get close because they have an invisible wall up,.
@bereal6590 Yes. They're very evasive. They WON'T answer questions!
@@amandaliverpool3374 I agree. They take everything the wrong way as if you're attacking and then attack you. Just sad and pointless. ✌️
@@bereal6590 Agreed 👍
Evasive and invasive @@amandaliverpool3374
Hello from Sweden!
Glad to be with you there in beautiful Sweden!!
Welcome to Team Healthy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you!
If you can say there is a humorous side to the crazy you relate it so well, Dr Carter.
That you can get a smile or chuckle out of such a negative situation gives us all a chance to see the absurdity of it. 😏
I look forward to narc math!
Can you talk about how anger plays out in a person that was raised by narcissistic parents, and does the anger and frustration in that situation indicate narcissism? Thank you!
Dr. C sings Fleetwood Mac, yay!
For what it's worth, I ate at Fleetwood's restaurant in Maui about 6-7 years ago. It was burned down in last year's fire. Anyway, they sure made good music!
I never had the ability to escape my mother's control because she used our connection as a means of control and if I deviated from her script there would be hell to pay. She even abused me physically if I did not comply. It took 45 yrs to get away from her control. Sadly😪
Hello Mr. Team Healthy, I'm a night owl some nights from Ohio. Thankyou for being the best ❤
I could stand back and watch the narc screaming in my face..but after years of this treatment i became reactive, triggered, and now i get sucked into their games and defend myself, trying to do better, but more and more was never enough. Im traumatized for life, your brain changes.
Not if you go gray rock 🪨 then no contact!
@caroleminke6116 I wish I could...my two family members my father and sister. My mother is caught in the Middle ❤️
@@MarisaPaola-um5ybit’s hard when they are family members.
@@beverlystover3987 ❤️ yes. I love my mother, she is elderly and unwell. Best wishes. xx
Narcs just project on autopilot & this isn’t conscious… simply like shifting gears in a manual automobile, but we’ve got the benefit of witnessing exactly what they think about themselves at a level of denial that they’re never gonna go to…
💯 Removing the blinders, applying radical acceptance, even though it can be very challenging helps clear that rubble from our path to Healthy!! 🧡
@@caroleminke6116 Indeed 🙏🌸
Thank you Dr.C and Team Healthy ❤️ Love and blessings for you all ❤🙏
Thank you, Sherry!
Blessings, Dr. C, thank you! ✨️
Top of the morning, DrC! You were spot on yesterday when you said I was up early haha! Since my son has been on his dream Japan trip, I’ve been going into the store early to keep up on things not having his help the past couple of weeks. In this video when you said the baby is 14 months old, my jaw dropped! Wow time really does fly!!! This holiday season is going to be so fun for yall with those ages! Enjoy!
Good morning, KellyJean. Keep going strong at the store!!!
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Japan, wow.
My eldest and his girlfriend have just come back from Berlin. Take care 🙏🌸
Also in New Zealand. Listening to the replay. Your podcasts are very helpful Dr Les. I would love to know more options on how to handle things if in a long term relationship with someone with NPD where leaving may not be an option.
Thanks
Thank you for saying that you don't mind our commenting to other people's comments. I' been concerned that it only causes more work for you.
My question would be why do they 'help' BUT allow you no choices as to what that help looks like, so that if you disagree or ask for it to be different, they then throw back in your face that you're thoughtless and ungrateful.
They break stuff instead
I wake up happy...He woke up miserable..the slightest inconvenience would send him into a rage ...like traffic or a mistake when you order food...and I remember thinking who cares....why are you always so mad and miserable..... why are you always so unhappy and combative.....now I have begun to educate myself and understand its internal
Often a bad mood early in the day indicates chemical imbalance.
@SurvivingNarcissism that makes so much sense Dr...thank you for the info...how can you be mad....when the day hasn't even happened yet 👍
Next Wednesday is going to be a back to back powerhouse with your live and Dr George K Simon's! 🌹
This narc woman i live with pulled something out of our fridge today and showed it to our daughter and told her it was no good but proceeded to place it back in our refrigerator. I said to her " well since its no good why not just throw it out". She hasnt spoke to me since...
Hoarder lol
Hello Dr. C, My ex-boyfriend coldly discarded me with a 3 line text message (after 2 year) refusing to explain why he "needed to be alone". He seems to have got together with someone else within a week or two. He may have been together with her before it was clear to me that our relationship was over. How does one get beyond this feeling of being discarded, disposable and replaceable. And, how does one get beyond the feeling of disgust with a coldhearted covert narcissist, who cannot even end something well and doesn't seem to care?
Denmark ❤
Here's a question for Dr. C and everybody - I'm away from the narcissist. (Yay.) But sometimes I fall back into the negative thinking and feelings from my time around that person. How can I pull myself back up?
My notes, with time stamps:
3:29 Q: "I'd like to know if they really ever forget you and just move on?" Dr. C: They'll often drop these breadcrumbs so that you'll come back to them. They're desperate to think "I can't possibly be the loser. If the relationship has come down, I've got to make you to look like the loser." They're playing games with themselves every bit as much as they're playing games with you. "If I can convince you, then I can convince myself that I still have a whole lot more desirability left." "You'd probably like to be around me, but too bad." They like to play that kind of game, so from time to time they can sidle up next to you and say "How's it going? I sure do miss you. I hope everything's great." And you're thinking, "Wow, they're being really friendly." But that's part of the hoovering - trying to suck you back in because they really need you to think 'what a nice person.' It's their way of trying to mess with you. It's a form of gaslighting. They're trying to keep you confused. But really they're trying to convince themselves "I'm the better person." Sometimes just toying with you is it's own form of utility to them. "It allows me to declare myself the winner and you the loser." They play games with you because they play games with themselves, and they're specifically playing games with the truth.
7:51 Every now and then, and I mean less than 5% of the time, when a person breaks up with a really strongly narcissistic person, the narcissist can make some pretty strong adjustments. If a person is going to truly make some change, it tends to be in moments of crisis. So sometimes they can fool you. "I've hit rock bottom and I'm going to make some healthy adjustments." But one of the signs that this is not hoovering is they're also going to say "And if you choose not to accompany me on my journey, I get it because of what I've done. I'm not going to make any kind of requirements." Usually that's a good sign. If they're saying, "Come on, you need to come along with me," then that's a sign that says they are still trying to be in control, so don't buy into that.
8:59 W: "Will you address those of us raised by narcissistic parents who only affirmed us if we demonstrated traits of narcissism ourselves. I never felt comfortable treating other people that way." Dr. C: They can try to teach you to be combative and confrontive and dismissive. Or it may be that Mom and Dad will teach you to have elitist attitudes. Give yourself permission to be separate and distinct from them. "Just because I was under their influence doesn't mean that they establish everything about me." (MY NOTE: Don't be guilty of operating a life under the influence of narcissism. Yeah, terrible joke, I know.) They were coming toward you based on what they knew and they had not advanced very far in their early adult years. I give myself permission to be the healthier version of who I am and if that means that I wind up not having the inner circle position that that I might otherwise have, then so be it. That's a cost I'm willing to pay.
14:50 Q: 🙂 "Would you address the dynamic in which a narcissist takes something good, for example Thanksgiving dinner, and makes it very unpleasant. For example, bullying someone at the Thanksgiving table and harassing them the rest of the evening. And then gaslights others with something along the lines of "They're such terrible people not to spend Thanksgiving with the family." Dr. C: Consider the source. I'm not going to take it seriously. They did it last year and the year before that and the year before that and before I showed up somebody else was a scapegoat. How many times have you had to defend yourself and it worked? The answer is it doesn't work, so save your energy. Give yourself permission to be different. Just be true to yourself when that person tries to hijack the holidays. (MY NOTE: Thank you, Dr. C!)
19:23 Q: "It can be difficult to be strong and not take it personally when someone hurls insults at you. I've never had anyone but my narcissistic ex speak to me like that. I feel so deflated. Where do they get off thinking that they can talk to you like that?" Dr. C: Narcissists don't process life the same as you do. When a narcissist comes at you with all of this harshness and criticism and agitation, it's their way of saying "I feel good about myself when I can make someone feel bad about themselves." When they treat you poorly, what they're really saying is "I'm rude. I'm mean-spirited. I have no empathy. I'm condescending. I have no willingness to try to meet people where they are." That's the major message. The insult speaks much more about the one who gives it than the one who receives. Then this implies that you need to learn how to have a detached objectivity. Remind yourself, "The narcissist is desperate for me to allow them to have space in my head. I'm not going to allow that."
23:27 Q: "My partner told me that he wanted me to fear him. He was so in my face, he was whispering in my ear, 'I want you to fear me.' What does he think he's going to accomplish?" Dr. C: That's a sick person. Fear means that I find you untrustworthy. Fear does not mean that you have to be paralyzed. I'm hoping that you can start looking for the exit.
27:18 Q: 🙂 "Why do narcissists have psychological laziness?" Dr. C: What's the opposite of laziness? Initiative or forward moving or open-mindedness. Narcissists at the very core of their being are terribly selfish. There are a whole lot of other individuals out there I could probably learn from by opening myself up to others. But then their thought is "That might require work. That might require adjustment. I don't want to do that." In their need to be in control, they've just declared "I'm a finished product." or "If you don't like the way I do things, tough." The healthy person says "Why don't we approach our relationships with a sense of planning? Why don't we approach our relationships with empathy? Why don't we approach our relationships with patience and our higher priorities where we look out for one another and have a healthy sense of curiosity?" And that narcissistic person says "Why don't we build our relationship on my instincts? Why don't we just flow with my mood of the moment? I don't feel the need to think about context or nuance. I don't feel the need for future thinking. I don't have any need for analytical thinking." They refer psychological laziness because it's their own form of control. In fact, I have contended for decades now, probably the most controlling person is the passive aggressive because they're so stubborn that you can't move them off of anything. (MY NOTE: Thank you Dr. C! That is so beneficial to my understanding.)
30:17 Q: "Are covert narcissist basically introverts and are overt narcissist basically extroverts?" Dr. C: Nope, not at all. It's much more of a mixture and it's much more complex than that.
33:36 Q: "Do all narcissists follow the same script? The person I know also keeps saying 'I'm not angry, I'm just feeling frustrated,' while escalating with very rude non-verbal cues and voice." Dr. C: They can come at you from very different angles but then there are certain core patterns that they tend to fall into that are highly predictable. There are about 75 different ways that narc that anger can play out, so it's not a one-dimensional thing at all. When a person says "I'm not angry, I just feel frustrated," what they're saying is "I'm just not very keen on understanding emotions." We're back to psychological laziness. "I've never really taken the time to even think about what my statement says." Realize, "You may not think of yourself as being an angry individual, but I see it for what it is."
37:00 Q: "Why does the narcissist give you the silent treatment when you assert your boundaries? Why does it feel like I'm going crazy in questioning myself internally because of the blame shifting?" Dr. C: Boundaries starts with having a very clear definition of who you are. So the narcissist can come along with all of their unhealthiness and say "Well actually it's all about me." Yeah, sometimes it's going to require you to say no, but ultimately what you're doing is you're saying yes yourself. (MY NOTE: Dr. C, this is the most touching explanation of boundaries I have ever encountered.) It's not you being controlling, it's just you exercising your free choice in a healthy kind of way. And the narcissist can think, "Wait a minute, you can't do that." What it reveals is they are thinking, "But it's all about me. I don't coordinate. I don't want to listen. I don't want to bend. I don't want to try to understand where you're coming from."
40:32 Q: "Would you address narcissists and their sexual demands? My husband was never happy about our sexual relations. He would keep track of how many times we had sex and throw it in my face. He didn't understand that after grilling me that day I certainly didn't feel like being in with him. It hurt me so much and made me feel like a failure in the bedroom." Dr. C: What's the meaning behind sex? In its best case, it's affirmation, it's tuning in. We're talking about connecting at a heart level. How heart level are narcissists? Basically they're functional and to them sex is a function. The narcissist says "The reason we have sex is because I have an agenda. You have to be useful in the moment because you're going to you're going to satisfy my agenda." They're transactional and in sexuality it's one of the most egregious ways for a narcissist to show a demeaning attitude because it's such so personal.
Thanks a million!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙂
It is Thursday here in England 😅
2pm in Vegas
I have ended a friendship with a narcissist. She and I share the same group of friends. Am yellow rocking her. I see that she is working her charm with anyone she thinks I am establishing a closer friendship. Consequently I am in many situations in which she is present. She is being exceptionally nice to me ( hovering). How should I proceed with the friends as I feel that she is trying to put a wedge there.? She has also ignored me as a co-leader a Church group and has delegated duties to others rather than talk it over with me and has , on her own, proceeded with structure of the next study without contacting or even mentioning to me. Do I just ignore this or call her out?
No. She's trying to own your life. And also this is a psychopath. She is steam rolling you
1. Do they forget you? I have no idea but they sure do seam to move on fast.. I would say that they don't forgive.. They hold onto resentment..
2. Parent's traits.. This is an interesting question because there is a double standard.. They want me to be mean to other people but nice to them..
3. Holidays.. I took a break from "The Family" for many years and when I came back I noticed all the craziness and I noticed how "They" did not want to talk about it..
4. Insulted.. I am probably going to get some flack for this but I believe that it is ok to yell at them FU.. I say this because it is more important for me to stand up for myself and not to abandon myself then it is HOW I say something or HOW I respond.. Yes they are important but I can practice that after I stand up for myself and not abandon myself..
5. Fear.. I think they all want us to fear them.. This one just openly said it..
6. Psychological laziness.. I look at it that it works for them according to them..
7. Covert-Introvert/Overt-Extravert.. They may share similar qualities but I look at it differently.. My mom did like to be around people but she would do sneaky stuff behind their backs.. I know others that are similar to that..
8. Do they all follow the same script?.. I would say that there are a lot of red flags or similarities..
9. Silent treatment.. I have been given the silent treatment many times by different people.. When someone gives me the silent treatment I need to get out of people-pleasing mode and be honest about myself about the harm that they are trying to do with their intentions.. I also need to learn to give the silent treatment or grey rocking people..
10. Sex.. Narcissism is about control and sex can be a form of control.. I think this question could be a topic.. Was it Freud that formed a form of Psychology based on sex? There is a lot with this topic..
You deserve better. Forget him and move on. You don't want a boyfriend like that.
Hello Dr. C, I was wondering how it is possible to get past the hurt and humiliation of being devalued, coldly discarded as if a disposable woman, with the narcissist ex-boyfriend already being with another women within a week or two of us breaking up (or perhaps even before)?
You’re darn lucky! Let him go onto another victim while you examine codependency as well as recovery
@@caroleminke6116poor new woman
But King Carter, what do you think of people misusing the word ‘responsibility’ (Jordan Peterson)
And the difference between responsibility and accountability
🙏
Can covert narcissists be mama’s boys?
Usually
Dr. C how would you interpret a narcissist who feels the need to touch you? I've gone grey rock and now my father in law every time were around him he feels the need to touch me when he greets me, whether that be tap my shoulder or tap my chest. Am I reading into this too much or is that his way of telling me "you're not getting away from me buddy"?
🪷
It's his way of crossing your boundaries, invading your personal space and putting you off balance. My husband's late covert narc mother was always standing waaay to close, touching you and making you uncomfortable. She'd get inches away from your face to try to make you back away. She was creepy.
I think your instincts are spot on.
My husband is like the one you described at the end. He kept track of the times we had sex and will give me the silent treatment until we had sex again and then the cicle started over again. He would criticize the way I performed sexually and parts of my body. For me sex means anxiety. I’m currently separated and will be divorced soon. My mental and physical health couldn’t take it anymore.
You deserve so much better. I hope you heard the part about sex being affirmation. Clearly your soon to be ex didn't get that at all. I wish you well.
Hi Dr. C, I'm wondering if you have noticed a trend of narcissists displaying markedly poor absorption of the culture that surrounds them. I've seen shocking gaps that anyone else alive would remember. That is until I realized that they only remember things that affected them personally. (And they mock others with "Why do you even remember that?") Is this because they process even large scale current events through a self-focused, unempathetic filter that discards anything meaningless to them?
I don't know if you've answered this one before: why might a narcissist be attracted to a planned community, such as an ecovillage? My guess is that they see it as a pool of people they can take advantage of, like an extra large source of supply. How can the community deal with such a person?
Communal narcissists
Update: they dropped the case against him. Why do they get away with everything? And the victims end up getting hurt. Shorter version: My covert narcissist ex husband gave my then 16 year old daughter shots of alcohol and got her to vape and told her not to tell me. Last month they went there and "accidently" consumed weed laced cookies (where we live it's still illegal and they are 11 and 16 years old) I contacted DCS/CPS and they are doing an investigation into him. But he's doing the poor me victimization and told my kids that since I don't respect him he won't respect me. No ounce of worry about his children whatsoever. Can he really be that dense when it comes to the safety, responsibility and protection of our children? His family enables him and and I know they are going to think I'm doing this to "keep him away from them" because they have said things like that before. Do they really not see it? Does he not really see the problems in himself? How can he hurt his children and not care how they feel? I feel angry hurt and frustrated that my children have to be around that. I don't know what to do sometimes and just feel like he is always going to get away with hurting people.
Not your job just stay on your own course
Growing up I was never asked how I felt……of what I can remember. I remember being able to choose an instrument to play, the extra curriculum activity I wanted to be involved in, any University I could get into I could go, but never asked how I felt about it. I feel grateful although maybe I wasn’t “nurtured?”
Yeah they tried to pick all that for me or not even get to have those. Just to have less. Then not get asked how I feel.
Hi Dr. Carter. I know people have different backgrounds, cultures, religious beliefs, and political views. But what if someone takes their beliefs too far, to the point where we can’t just disagree and act like everything is normal?
Also, do you think the rise of narcissism is contributing to extreme views?
Yes I do.
My narcissist blocked me and finding out I blocked him and was talking to another man. Does that mean he is done with me?
After finding out
Why is it so hard to get over a narcissist. His life seems so perfect while mine is crumbling
Can these narcissist have multi twisted personality perspectives. He's from one extreme to another then acts as if nothing happened. I really feel I'm going crazy some days. He is nice if he is showing off to people. Behind closed doors like Dr jerkle and Mr. tying to get my hide! He often does his own thing and gets pissed if I fail to tell him if I decide to do something else and not tell him, so many double standards. If it's not his idea, or his joke, I shouldn't want to do it, or laugh at anything funny even on a TV show unless he laughs 1st. I could list examples, I see and hear nany of these things. How can I keep boundaries if he won't even listen or recognize them. I need another way to approach him with the boundaries I'm trying to set to become healthy. How can I say yes to myself, when he make life unbearable 💔 😢 ☹️
My advise is find a way to get out surreptitiously and as cleanly as possible.
Like bad cheese?!
I'll sign onto that!
Not.