Why I STOPPED giving my toddler choices + concerns about Gentle Parenting

bekah

[@emilyplanz463]

Child therapist here! I totally agree. There is a huge push for gentle parenting, and I completely agree with your original definition. I think it becomes more permissive parenting without boundaries, which we know is not helpful. Every child is unique and you have to cater to that child's needs. Killin it mama!

[@lilymcmanaway]

Well gentle parenting that is persmissive and has no boundaries quite simply isn’t gentle parenting, it is permissive.

[@91splamy]

@@lilymcmanaway yes but I think what she’s saying is that the advice being given with the label gentle parenting seems to be getting more permissive. People will listen to the advice thinking they are doing gentle parenting but they are really not.

[@danika9411]

​@@lilymcmanawaySomeone with spd here ( sensory processing disorder ). It's not considered neurodivergent, but a lot of people with ADHD and Autism also have SPD plus a few more symptoms than I have. My parents tried gentle parenting and it screwed me up. I needed my parents to be gently strict with me or I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I had poor frustration tolerance, was lying and bad at school. Of course no hitting or shaming in any way. But I needed someone to "herd" me a little bit 😂 And just say: "We need to go now, or we will be late and I don't want us to be late and leave xy waiting too long for us. Put your shoes on now." This worked. Gentle parenting didn't work. I was too overwhelmed with needing to choose stuff.
Every child is different and for me gentle strictness just works better. And I feel much more relaxed and less anxious. Gentle parenting was also making me anxious on top. Because of the natural consequences thing that I had to bear. I don't learn from it. I just get scared. I learn if I can make people happy. I'm very motivated by emotions and others.

[@skyesmith5683]

hope you lose your license cause gentle parenting is the proactive approach of understanding your child is a human being like you and there are ways to teach your kids without hitting and yelling and being abusive cause spanking is abuse and so is yelling at a child, it is a necessary step in breaking the generational cures our parents have put on us be the centuries of hitting your kid cause "god said so" its talking to your child and helping them understand their feelings and emotions and learn to regulate them and not suppress them. There are so many misconceptions because of the word "gentle" that its better title is "responsive parenting" cause kids have big emotions and little bodies it is our job to teach them how to human and be a good human in a way that again DOESNT INVOLVE HITTING AND YELLING AT THEM! and if you say "i was spanked and im fine" you clearly arent because your an adult and you can google that the same reasons its wrong to hit your partner is the same reasons its wrong to hit a child unless you hit your partner then thats a whole knew conversation you can have at your local police station

[@walqqr1]

​​​​@@skyesmith5683 um I think you should improve your reading comprehension skills bc op never said gentle parenting equals permissive parenting or advocated for yelling or hitting kids... you assumed all that on your own, so calm down. 🤦🏾‍♀️
Their comment clearly implies that people mislabel parenting styles and confuse permissive parenting with gentle parenting when both are obviously not the same, that's all.
Btw my notifications are off so I won't read replies, bye. ❤

[@08emily89]

Instantly subscribed! I totally agree. We’ve got to a point where we are trying to reason with children when they are too young to understand! They are NOT adults. The parent is the one who should be in control, not the child.

[@Bailey.Eve2]

Thank you for commenting on the screaming. I’ve tried allowing my oldest to scream because it’s a “healthy release” according to the gentle parenting manual but it’s just not appropriate most of the time. I no longer just let her scream and try to explain that it’s totally normal to feel mad, but screaming hurts my ears, let’s try deep breaths instead.

[@haleyk7699]

Your reaction is what gentle parenting really is. You don't let them do whatever they want. It's about holding boundaries but with out the use of coercion and fear.

[@adrianhenry3636]

Does your kid actually do the breaths instead of screaming when you say that?
How did you get your kid to do that?
My kid screams, will not do the breaths, and nothing has helped.

[@rocio4evr8]

@@adrianhenry3636 jumping in, I do this with my almost three year old. Took time but when he’d get upset I would identify the emotion with him (I see you’re mad/frustrated), then say let’s take a few deep breaths to calm down when we’re upset (or to redirect from throwing things) and model it with him. He didn’t catch on immediately but after about two or three times of showing him this and asking him to repeat after me (“in through your nose, our through your mouth”) he caught on. Now when he gets upset, I ask him to take deep breaths and does so. I ask him if they help and he says yes in a much calmer tone, so I say it definitely helps! Don’t get discouraged, it’s all about modeling.

[@tgreen6293]

Smell the cookie, blow out the candles ❤️

[@shyannemaureenfast]

@@adrianhenry3636 my 2 kids do the breaths but I’ve been consistently doing it with them since they were babies. I also will not allow them to word vomit on me until they’ve shown they are doing their breaths. It’s consistency. Sometimes they don’t want to and I wait and do breaths myself. Eventually they’ll calm down and try to express themselves and I enforce the breathing before they are allowed to express themselves. I’ve found that injecting it even when they’re already “calm” is showing them the steps and they’ll often do it on their own now. When they can handle this information I will sometimes remind them “breathing makes our tummies calm and our brain think. We can’t think very well when we are upset and so we need to breath!” - hope this helps!

[@morganmoses68]

I think the best way to “gentle parent” is treat them like a human and help them through their emotions if something isn’t their way. Give them the string cheese how you want to and if they aren’t happy about it, guide them through fixing it and navigating their emotions

[@MortuaryQueen]

Literally this! Its treating them like people and recognizing that they don’t understand what their emotions are let alone how to work through them and what to do with them that’s APPROPRIATE when their instincts are to do something thats not. Like I would still consider the form of parenting that she’s describing as gentle parenting even though its not the cookie cutter social media version of it. I can also understand not wanting to call it that in order to separate herself from that image of it.

[@amylynnhunt55]

Do you have six children?

[@MissB2TheLynn]

I've noticed with my daughter that techniques must adapt over time. Breathing exercises used to work swimmingly up until she was about 4 or 5. There was a pocket of "what do I do now?" When the breathing exercises were no longer working to help her come down from a tantrum. I started telling her "I think you should have some space and come back when you are ready to use your words" and send her to her room. She would blow up for maybe a couple more minutes, but then she would calm herself and open her door to tell me that she is calm and ready to talk. Now, when she is overwhelmed with her emotions she tells her dad and I "I need some space to myself." And he dad and I honor it and she goes to her room on her own. It's a complete 180!

[@candyluna2929]

Parental win

[@candyluna2929]

When did you begin to teach her breathing?

[@danika9411]

I just left a gentle parenting group, where it was seriously seen as harmful and not gentle parenting to do what you just described. I completly agree with you, this works for me as well. But simply sending someone to a room to calm down or saying "Well done." are not considered gentle parenting by many. The group has over 11k people in it btw 😅 But it felt like a cult. You are not allowed to talk about outside resources like naming books and authors ect and if you question something, worse disagree with something you were told you got triggered by your own childhood trauma and need healing..... Yeah.

[@sadieeliza1989]

I would love to see a video of both you and Grey talking about parenting together! Things you’ve learned, how parenting has changed you as individuals, things you disagree/once disagreed on, areas you’ve changed your methods in, resources you recommend, etc ❤

[@anythingeverything.]

I find that so many people think that gentle parenting is the only “loving” form of parenting that is respectful, but I feel like by showing my kids MY boundaries and how to build them, they learn to do it, too. Showing them that being uncomfortable is okay, knowing that regardless of feelings I love them, but that we can’t do certain things in public because it’s not appropriate, etc. has helped my kids regulate SO much more and I don’t think that they personally feel gypped that I don’t talk them through every little thing.

[@amandawilliams2266]

There is liberty within the frame work of laws and boundaries

[@Klairelol]

U just described gentle parenting

[@maggiewilson2727]

This is EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR! I find myself using my “gentle mom voice” and hearing how forced it can sound and then I get even more stressed when it’s not helping the situation at all. I think it’s so important to realize that each kid/parent/family is different and needs different approaches. My daughter is like Frank, and the constant feeling of needing to choose stresses her out. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!

[@rinoacooly2]

My degree is in child development and special education and let me say, when I had my own kid that completely changed my view of how to parent! I have a very stubborn "boy-boy". He doesn't want to talk about feelings most of the time (he can label what he is feeling but he doesn't like drawn out talks about it) and he likes his space. I get so annoyed when people say I'm exiling him to his room when I learned around 3 years old, he preferred it! He is a lot like me that when I'm upset, I HATE being around people. I need time to calm down and be away before I can come back to a situation.
Each kid is different so they all need to be treated differently. But kids definitely need structure and parents. Not someone kowtowing to their every will. It helps for them to learn that early so they can handle school structure (and even work structure in the future).

[@heatherboles8881]

A lot of parents doing “gentle parenting” don’t like to tell their kids “no” but what are we teaching our kids about boundaries? Or even consent? My SIL and BIL never tell their 5 year old son “no” because they are afraid of his reaction(s). I disagree with not letting the kid feel like he can get whatever he wants. But that’s just me with a newborn 😅 I’ll let you know in 4 years.

[@abaetol]

Exactly! These kids grow up to be 35 and can’t leave a woman enjoying a drink alone because they have no idea how to handle “no” without melting down.

[@heatherboles8881]

@@abaetol wasn’t gonna say it but I’m glad you did! Like raising boys to not be told “No” can’t be good for women in society.

[@ksenia5199]

That is generally considered permissive parenting. Gentle parenting is suppose to be saying “No” and providing emotional support while your kid freaks out.

[@ShelbySavinsky]

@@ksenia5199 exactly!! Thank you!! I feel like most people don’t actually understand what gentle parenting really is.

[@DarlingKaya]

yeah and will get no from others and that will be hard for them to hear

[@jamiesweeney2407]

Yes this 100% this is exactly what we have been going through with my 3 year old. Gentle parenting and scripts to not work at all with her and make it worse! We have had to become so much more strict and 0 tolerance on a lot of things, but she has become come much more regulated and calmer.

[@BabyLove6290]

Love this video. I am a homeschool mom and I feel like in this community especially gentle parenting = permissive parenting. Children need boundaries, need to hear the word no and realize that no matter how loved they are by us, the world does not revolve only around them.

[@lutherinevelasquez7109]

I work at a school. I wish all the parents thought like you. Good job at putting it out there about limited choice and how it can be a stressor to have too much control at a young age . Children weren't meant to have full control, especially in a school setting. You are correct, they need boundaries to make them feel safe.

[@saraha5070]

When I first had a kid an older male coworker gave a good piece of advice: always give the kid two choices, but make one of those choices a pile of dogshit 😂

[@youramericanfriend9478]

Okay. Now that’s funny!😂😂😂

[@FromtheeyesofShaun]

😭😭😭😭😭 I always tell my friends give the appearance of two choices but make them Understand your Choosing the better choice. ( It's a parents job to save there kids from themselves)

[@NikkiSchumacherOfficial]

Well my genius kids have been asking for a third choice since they were 1.

[@carriekitchen5796]

I’ll literally be like look (to my two year old) you can either put your pants on and go outside or we are staying here 😂😂

[@AwkwardWhispers]

I always say it's about giving the illusion of choice. LOL

[@journeyjulie3973]

I wish I had come across someone like you when my oldest child was younger. He is really hot tempered and I did the gentle parenting thing for him and his little sister… we recently, within the past year, have buckled down with time-outs and not tolerating tantrums, and I’ve seen a major difference in both of them. They are overall happier now that we do time-puts. I’m definitely going to do this for our youngest.

[@natalia1045]

Yes, Finally someone is talking about this. And for sure there are going to be more videos like this. My son is almost 8 so I know gentle parenting is not the way to go for some kids. I had to put him in therapy and we worked as a whole family - basically we switched from gentle parenting to more strict, clear boundaries, rituals, this is how we do it thing without needing to explain every fart we make.

[@immarisabel]

I was afraid of sending my kid to the room because I did not want him to associate the room with punishment. Instead, we advise him that to process the frustration it is good to go to the room and try to relax, that it will help him feel better. We also ask if he wants us to join and help. That way, he can associate the room as his place of peace. This change of mindset made me feel more comfortable on sending him to the room.

[@Alison-og4xz]

PLEASE MAKE MORE PARENTING VIDEOS!!!!!!! I know that opens you up to a lot of criticism but I find it extremely helpful and I love your opinions and techniques and ideas. I have a 5 month old and I’m just lost with what to do. I feel like everyyyything I read or see had an equally contradictory argument for the opposite and I’m just confused!
I’ve just been “going with my gut” and it’s worked out pretty well so far, but again she’s only 5 months old so I’m really just thinking ahead here.
Also what books do you recommend???

[@canaglory]

Yes!! would love a book list

[@kimberlymcintosh6569]

I was about to comment this! Agreed that parenting techniques/philosophies can be controversial but it's nice to hear someone talk about their philosophies in a realistic way (it helps that I also agree with how she parents haha). But would love more of these videos!! It's also just good food for thought to help work through how I want to parent!

[@meschouxpetits]

Fellow mom of 5 month old here - I really recommend Janet Lansbury and the RIE method. When I started reading Lansbury's work, I immediately felt myself relax and got so much more confident in my parenting style!

[@NormieNeko]

It's more difficult to be trad and lean towards authoritative parenting even if it's not 100% (stoic and militant). It's not trending at all. It's just asking for drama from strangers. Maybe the world needs to see the alternative to the trends. There's quite a lot of variety.

[@arozeisarozie]

I don’t have a kid, so take my advice with a grain of salt! However, I’ve been working in a range of age levels (infancy to 6th grade) for 12 years now and have been formally trained and go through continual ongoing education.
Honestly… maybe read testimonials and novels from teachers? We see the big, overbearing issues concerning parenting these days. If you listen to teachers and the issues that we are encountering these days, you could mitigate the incredibly problematic mitigating issues.
So no specific recommendations, just a smidge of advice. :)
EDIT: also, always give the kids “the why”. If it’s a “no”, explain why! Let them know the reason behind it and even if they don’t like it, they will slowly start to grasp your reasoning and remember the rules even more. This is coming from someone with ADHD and who gets incredibly overwhelmed. Give me the choices and tell me the reasoning and what you would choose. Also, make some decisions for me. I’m growing and I need you!

[@Jamisonzbitchez105]

Oh my goodness I didn’t realize how much I needed to see a video like this until right now, I am a nanny and have been struggling with how to have a conversation with mom and dad about the negative effects of giving a 4 year old boy unlimited choices. Thank you so much for making this video I feel a lot of relief right now

[@ProbablyCancelledPod]

Great video. This is how I've always taught my preschoolers.. being gentle, firm, and CONSISTENT. It works wonders. We can't always let the children lead or offer them too many options... they need structure and they relax when they know exactly what to expect.

[@Angela-eq6vk]

I don’t have a child, but I’ve noticed in regard to my 9 nieces and nephews, that in *some* areas, the best parenting is the parenting that reduces the stress of the parents. It’s so hard to be a good parent without prioritizing your mental health. (I only even have thoughts on this, because I have 2 sister in laws, one “gentle” parents and the other is more authoritative and I can truly see how knowing when to balance one or the other depending on the kid is important)

[@savannamueller3071]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Very refreshing to hear. I'm a preschool teacher working with 2 - 3-year-olds and our teaching team is often encouraged to use gentle parenting scripts when talking with the kids. I'm trying to find a balance that works best for me and the children. The gentle parenting scripts can feel inauthentic to me as well, and I agree that setting realistic boundaries for both yourself and the child is super important. I would love more of this content!

[@edf18]

It's is important to teach our kids that what they feel is a roadside of information and not an ultimate direction, that others will set boundaries and that is okay and that it is okay to say no to others too for fear of reaction. Gentle parenting is the fear that your kids will blame you later so you abject from anything that could be interpreted as negative, to the child's detriment.

[@haleyk7699]

It's so interesting how gentle parenting has gained so many definitions. The way I have understood it is exactly the way you do it. Choices should be to empower them when you have power struggles, you shouldn't try to fix their emotions but instead be available for them to co-regulate with you, and you should firmly hold your boundaries without coercion or fear. I agree that the scripted responses should be the reference but should be coming from the real you and don't need to be perfect. Also, each child is different and we should treat them all as an individual. Some children really struggle with power dynamics and need the choices, and others definitely don't need them all the time. Over all, it's about being gentle in your responses and boundaries, not being permissive and overly nice.

[@candyluna2929]

Exactly.

[@kaity6933]

I love this! I'm not a parent yet but I always get so annoyed at a parent who subscribes to a rigid mentality for parenting. A huge part of helping kids develop a health regulated nervous system is ATTUNMENT that a parent can attune to their specific needs and that they are not left to figure out their world alone, and I think that's exactly what you did for Frank. Way to go!

[@flowerpower3618]

Balance is the best choice.

[@crabcake17]

What I like about you bekah is that there's no one quite like you on the internet in these spaces. You are so incredibly unique and you're a free thinker you don't just subscribe to shit other people subscribe to just to look a certain way. You and gray both are free thinkers and someone else said it best- "you guys make parenting look magical". Lol

[@Samahra01]

Couldn't agree more..
Rare to see an actual free thinker these days

[@ciaarruhh]

I’m new around here, but I am right in this part of life. “Being okay with this discomfort”. Girl. Preaacchhh.

[@agiese]

I can’t even begin to tell you how refreshing this was! This is exactly how my partner and I parent our 3 and 5 year old. We love the concept of “gentle parenting” but also really believe in giving our children the structure they so desperately need. I feel like there’s a really fine line and when I first became a parent, I think I took all the advice too literally and didn’t adjust according to what our family/child needed.
I would love to hear about how you all are incorporating religion into your parenting if you are at all. We are agnostic but I was raised baptist and I love the storytelling aspect of religion and I think it’s really important for teaching a foundation of morals but I’m having a hard time deciding how to go about that. Also we’re about to begin our homeschool journey and most of the curriculum is faith based.

[@emmylucinda4805]

You’re a great parent. Love your insight and your pivot to vlogging. I just had my first baby and it’s so easy to get caught up in all the ways social media tells us we should be doing it. I’m trying to lean more into trusting my intuition without all the noise. Going to check out the book you mentioned!

[@callmebrownielover4832]

Love that you’re taking the time to have this conversation and share your opinion! I have to say that I whole heartedly agree with the point you’re making! I’m a barista and a mother of a 10 year old and one on the way. In my line of work we have snacks, lots of snacks and pastries and I am continually witnessing parents with toddlers give them the multiple choices of what they would like to eat. Not only is it overwhelming for the little ones and can end in a meltdown because they can’t make that decision but it also is inconsiderate to fellow patrons who are then waiting for a small child to make a decision when the parent should have seen that maybe being in a busy public setting, it wasn’t the right time or place be giving the option(s).
I would also love to hear your opinion on teaching your children how to have a healthy balance between taking up space and also knowing when they may be taking too much and being inconsiderate. Which is something I think adults could learn more how to balance as well.

[@fernandagonzalez7270]

That’s crazy, my 2 year old gets 2 choices: croissant or egg bites lol and that is that. 😂 if he doesn’t answer me, croissant it is 😅

[@444dddccc]

Makes me happy to see young peers parenting this way. I can’t take the parent-pleasers. Thank you.

[@meredithroberts254]

I agree with aaall of this.
One time my son was throwing a huge tantrum in a store and I was doing the ignore it thing but after ten minutes of that I couldn’t put people through any more of it so I took him to the bathroom and said that when he was done crying he could come out and I would be right outside the door when he was ready. This lady came over and started saying I was abusive and she should call the police on me. She would not stop yelling at me. The people at the store had to tell her to leave me alone.
It only took a couple minutes for my son to realize he no longer had an audience and peeked his head out of the door. We hugged it out and all was well with him and i but I was so shaken by the ladies judgement.

[@wintermatherne2524]

Yes. Never, never, never subject innocent people to your personal problems. Always take the child outside and to hell with what the busybodies think!

[@naviproductions]

You are so eloquent while also being casual and unscripted. Wish I could be like that! I stumble on my words and stutter so much

[@stephwinant5038]

I love that you verbalized the difference between each child. My parents definitely did not give any of us choices till we turned 18 and moved out and I was definitely the kid at 3 years old who would hurry up and put the clothes I wanted on for the day, before my mom could come pick my clothes out, because I felt the need to choose for myself. And I would have loved having healthy choices of food instead of all the junk food and given the choice to “eat or starve”

[@amylindquist5864]

Yeah, the gentle parenting scripts make me feel like a robot! I’m starting to find my own voice while still communicating similar ideas. I also like that you point out how they can’t just scream at you or like a cashier in public, and we need to set boundaries around that. Gentle parenting is great for letting kids feel their feelings (unlike what most of us grew up in) and creating that connection with our kids, but I do feel like it lacks in other areas. Thanks for your input!

[@laney5000]

Loving this new content from you and all of your insights on a variety of topics. Truly so interesting and informative hearing your perspectives and experiences! ❤

[@Sarah-uu9pg]

Accidentally talking in an inauthentic way is such a good point. Toddlers can pick up on that! Another point (I'm not diagnosing anyone's child as neurotypical) but for neurotypical kiddos, choices for every. little. thing. could be a nightmare! It doesn't work for everyone! The comments on that TikTok were definitely missing the point lol.

[@sandranorum6125]

This video showed up in my recommended and I found it so interesting! I think you have a very good outlook and you seem like such a genuine person - I subscribed instantly!
I have a 7 month old son, and it’s going to be very interesting to explore and learn how to be the best possible parent for him as an individual ❤

[@kstromm6361]

I’ve been a nanny for over 10 years and raised up 4 different sets of toddlers. It’s VERY difficult when parents never ever follow through. Now I’m pregnant with our first and it’s simple!! Simple doesn’t mean easy but it’s very simple.

[@Maverick-zy7yu]

Can you help me understand?

[@Rachel-wr3qi]

@@Maverick-zy7yu basically, yes means yes and no means no. If you go back on what you first said, they know they can manipulate you

[@meepmoopmeep1]

I loved this! Everything is spot on. I saw on your stories that you mentioned feedback from teachers. As a former teacher, I totally agree. I’m not a teacher anymore because I found it too difficult to teach 25-30 kids at once who have never learned how to be bored or sit in discomfort. You can tel that they have never been asked to do something that they didn’t want to do their whole life.

[@candyluna2929]

I take it that you left in recent years??

[@meepmoopmeep1]

@@candyluna2929 pretty recently. The 2018-2019 school year was my last year. Thankfully I changed careers before I even knew Covid was coming

[@Jackienbotello1]

Please make more parenting and relationship advice videos! I love hearing your perspective and why you do things the way you do.

[@sabrinarigodanzo1016]

Wow. It's like you described me. I used to be a very good nanny, basically by being playful, kind, respectful and firm with the kids. And then I had my own kids and I thought it'd be nice to try and use some of those "gentle parenting" techniques. Oh boy. That just made everything more difficult for everyone!! I'm back to my old techniques, using common sense mostly - here things flow better that way.

[@mommybreakdown]

Thank you for opening up the dialogue on the spectrum of parenting types. The nuances are important ❤. I literally just made a video on “Can gentle parenting become abusive?” which is a different issue within this topic too. I also did a video on how counting IS gentle parenting. I’m this small nothing channel but if anyone wants more info, I’d be happy to have you. My mouth literally dropped when I saw this video on my feed because my browsing videos are either bachelor people or parenting, so the crossover was 🤯🤣

[@martinaschiavolin1020]

I know nobody is perfect etc but I am so inspired by the way you parent the kids and in general your family's "vibe". I admire and appreciate you sharing with us very much♡♡♡

[@peytonbd]

Thank you for explaining your take on these parenting techniques! I separate my child from the situation if she’s crying or acting up because it’s kind of disrespectful to the other people in the room to have to hear a tantrum. I do it in restaurants, other people’s homes, and my own home. I take her away, explain what she was doing that was not acceptable, then tell her how to act the next time she feels that way. It sounds dumb, but I’ve been doing it ever since she was born even though she didn’t really hear me. 😅 I think everyone understands the difference between a tantrum and being upset. You can be upset all you like but if you’re going to yell and throw things then ya done. 💁‍♀️

[@zoecollums5112]

I would love to hear more about how you modified parenting techniques to nannying specifically in regard to them being someone else's children and boundaries, and also dealing with a parents maybe unsavory ways of parenting. Loving you be on youtube!!!

[@jazminsoto8835]

Yes! Im so glad you mentioned the gentle parenting voice! I thought I was the only one who felt kind of weird about it! Some moms I know in my area do it and I feel weird because I know them and they sound almost fake. I also just try to use my regular tone and be myself with my children. I love your approach to parenting Bekah!

[@thearbrailia]

I started with gentle parenting as well but I moved on to a mix of love and logic combined with self-government. My son (2) was hitting and generally being a jerk and I didn't like his behavior so we needed consequences that had an impact on his choices. I think its best to go with the middle ground. Discipline is necessary for him to understand what is safe and appropriate but we don't have to have a major consequence for every little infraction. I have talks with him for small problems and ones that can cause harm or injury receive a larger consequence like a time out or removal of an item. I offer him some choices but he doesn't get to dictate my day. He actually cares when I show disapproval now so it is working better than being too lenient.

[@shyannemaureenfast]

I parent just like this! Thank you for making me feel confident in how I choose to parent because a lot of people don’t agree

[@HeyitsmeKB4321]

This is amazing! And you pointed out too you have to just be your own parent and who you are whatever comes natural to you. And just make it your own. Every child is different it’s crazy how much you have to do for different kids. They are people too no matter what age. We have 4 teenagers and I can tell you it’s a crazy journey!! It’s so amazing being able to have watched you from the bachelor to now and how much you have grown. I’m so proud of you you’re doing amazing 💕🙏🏼

[@victoriam8437]

This was a the parent pep talk/info session/ "it's OK to xyz" I needed. A reminder that every kid is different and choices might work for one but not the other is just what I needed to hear. My 2 yo son is the same, choices make him so mad sometimes.

[@destinyhatfield3449]

Thank you so much for sharing!!! I’m a military spouse and stay at home mom, so basically a single parent and work 24/7, no breaks. I have been struggling so much trying to figure out the correct way to parent and this video has helped me realize maybe I’m giving my 2.5 year old too many choices. I’ve also been babysitting since 10-12 and for me being a mom is soooo much harder. More parenting videos tho please!

[@martaszyszka7654]

Babysitting other children is always easier than raising your own. That's for sure. Incomparable.

[@jess14288]

Great perspective! I feel the same way. Not all kids respond well to the “gentle parenting” tips on tik tok, because all kids are SO different! Thanks for speaking on this!

[@faithanne23]

As a mom of four girlies, 11, 10, 4, and 2 years old.
It is so true what might work for one may or may not work for the other, each of my girlies are extremely different. I would love to hear more on this subject, and also I just ordered Beyond The Rainbow Bridge too and so excited to read it.

[@RinahRejoice]

I agree with this so much! I’ve seen similar behavior with my 3.5 yr old son. He will even tell me, “Don’t say that!” When I tell him things like, “ I see you’re disappointed,” or “I can see you’re mad.” I think children (ppl in general) have different personalities and different needs. What’s important as a parent is being able to say, okay, this is working or this isn’t working with him/her, it’s okay to try something different now. And I’m still a great parent!

[@jamierguillory]

Yes! Love this! I totally love that parent's are being taught to be more aware of their children's feelings and perspectives, but I am where you are with the authoritative parenting as opposed to letting their feelings rule the house. It's not appropriate for our feelings to rule everyone, and it's good for us to teach them the same. One of the things I say to my 4 year old a lot right now is "It's ok for you to be upset/sad/angry, but it's not ok for you to scream/yell/hit/say ugly words." I'm not trying to change her feelings but I am setting a boundary with how she can express those feelings and how she responds to us and her siblings. I mean, I need to be told the same as well sometimes, and my fiance does. Hahaha.

[@gemlovergirl]

I’ve missed your fresh, sweet energy in my life 💜

[@alyssakorioth67]

Preschool teacher with my degree in child development and a mom myself. I totally agree with what you said! And I love that you use different techniques for different children because they have different personalities and temperaments!

[@johnsonfamadventures]

I love this! I really always struggle with the super kind voice and acknowledgment and then the guilt when I DONT do it. I've honestly taken your advice from previous broads eps about really trying to deal with my OWN discomfort when my kids are upset with maybe me saying no to play time, etc. Thanks bekah this video is such a good nuanced way to look at "gentle parenting"

[@zoecrowhurst9177]

I, like you, have been in “childcare” in various ways since I was 11. I now own a preschool. I agree with so much you have said here!

[@martaszyszka7654]

Im so happy my son, who's now 4.5, has been a very easy child when it comes to choosing. Most of his short life he accepted what was offered or decided for him, or he just picked whatever plate or cup he wanted from the cabinet that was easily reachable for him.
We never had a fight over how the cheese was cut, what cup he wanted to drink from, or stuff like that These "problems" never mattered to him, ever.

[@JustineRivas]

OH MY GOSH! CAN'T AGREE MORE! I'm 23 weeks pregnant and as a first grade teacher you really need to make the decisions for them until they are 8 years old. Then they are old enough to give some input (still not old enough to make all their decisions). my biggest pet peeve is parents asking their child questions constantly!

[@JustineRivas]

child held vs child led

[@hermithollow2024]

Way way way back when I was a parent (🤣🤣🤣), I quickly got to the point I could discipline my son with a simple “look” and tone of voice. Now, I don’t mean a mean look, but a look and tone that would help him know he needed to stop what he was doing and obey me. Nine times out of ten I would have to go into my bathroom and turn the water on so he couldn’t hear my laughter because it was way too easy to discipline him because the boundaries were set early, but always out of love and to safeguard him while he learned what life was all about. I thank God every day that I had such a wonderful child. He was my ride or die and I was his. There are various ways to discipline and raise children and that is wonderful because each child is different and will respond differently. The point is to always get to know your child early, figure out what he or she responds to, then have a blast raising that precious child to become the most wonderful human being they can be. Children are a precious gift. Great parents are, too. 😊

[@judyoneal7887]

Every child needs & wants boundaries. It’s comforting for kids. Now, they won’t always express themselves in those terms, in fact they will often push back but that’s OK. Loving boundaries & consistency shows them Mommy/Daddy have it covered & they can be relied on. Adding lots of affection, grace, fun, + your time is also key, IMO.

[@beansbeanslapew]

I loveeeee when you mentioned the gentle parenting scripts!!!!!!!! It is SO inauthentic to my personal voice!!!!! Soooo true.

[@RachelHarris-jo3nk]

This this this! I struggle with wanting my loved ones to never feel upset and I agree that it's so important to practice being comfortable with my kid/spouse being upset-- and showing my kid that it's ok for him to be upset!

[@Fitness-qo5ve]

I love that you mentioned how inauthentic the “gentle parenting scripts” sound. I always feel like it sounds more passive aggressive than if I just straight shoot which is my more authentic voice.

[@chachi7457]

I agree that sometimes a child does need a quiet moment with themselves. A “time out” for me has always been a brief moment to cool down and more importantly, experience your feelings in a safe space, and then once that moment has passed I go in and have a gentle , understanding conversation. Talk with them about how they were feeling, why they were feeling that way, and healthy ways to feel your emotions and handle them in the moment. Then we go back to life! A time out, for me personally, is not a punishment it is a moment to relax, reflect, and learn without judgement. Parents and caretakers have a responsibility to help their children understand their emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways. Don’t punish your children for not having the emotional intelligence of a fully grown human! Help them learn!

[@amandalynnnnn]

I respect that you’re not afraid to go against the grain with your parenting, or just in general. Not a parent but have taken care of kids for many years myself, I think what you’re saying is very true.

[@QueenofFlannelColors]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a toddler, and now that I’m about to have a teenager, I find myself revisiting certain techniques with how I handle my son. I have 19 years in the military, and I often tell people that my job is 75% parenting adult children and 25% actual work. Since I am dealing with a lot of young adults, who I need to do certain things, I have to find balance between treating them like adults and getting them to do what I need them to do. I think some of that flows over to my parenting and I find myself telling my kid the same thing I tell my airmen. I “ask” for something to be done because I don’t need to bark orders at you. But I’m not really asking. If it’s not done the first time, and I have to revisit…I’m not going to ask a second time.
My kid is also very much an action/consequences type. If you do this…this is the consequence. We’ve pretty much established with him that certain things (health and safety) are non-negotiable. But others…you can choose this, but this is the consequence. For example…if he wants to keep his room a hot mess, that’s his choice. But…don’t ask me to help find things, and I don’t wash laundry not in a hamper. If it becomes a health and safety issue to him or any of the other creatures in the house though, then I will go in and all he’ll have left is a bed and his clothes.

[@kandicelenay88]

This is great, I definitely think I’ve been giving my 5 year old too many choices. Going to try just this or that and see how it goes. Overall this was very insightful! I’m a chatty broad and I’m so excited and look forward to your new content! All of it! Gray too!! Also I relate to the phone/screen time so hard

[@junedoodle]

I read somewhere that neurodivergent kids often despise choices bc it IS overstimulating and mentally exhausting. My son has never cared which outfit to wear so I quit asking him, but autonomy is a super big motivator for him so usually choices are “either you can do this by yourself or I will make you do it.” (Regarding getting in the carseat, getting in the shower, putting shoes on)
He’s been having a lot of disregulation and meltdowns lately, so I appreciate you for sharing this and giving food for thought! Not sure what we need to change but definitely trying to do whatever works best for him - and if that means more structure and fewer choices, fine. :)
All great points, especially regarding parental authenticity!

[@christinenicolepsychicmedi9405]

Thank you for sharing, So interesting!!!! I do choices with my older son and it really helps him but my youngest is better with just firm talking and just saying we do this or that! He doesn’t need the choices

[@caitlinomartin]

as someone who’s only nannied other peoples children for the last 4 years and as a birth worker, i can ABSOLUTELY attest to your method and appreciate it deeply. there needs to be more talk about finding a middle ground between too much autonomy, and not enough for children. it seems far too many parents are one opposite end of the spectrum or the other, when all most kids need is a sweet spot between the two❤️

[@pattysperks]

I love you parenting style and love you sharing what works and doesn’t work for you. I’ll keep watching!

[@alexisivey811]

This was really helpful. I have been struggling with gentle parenting/TikTok content and have been feeling a lot of shame if I don’t follow the “prompts”. I feel like it just makes me a worse parent because I’m not being consistent. I like how you alter what you learn to fit your children. I would loooove to hear more parenting content

[@emilybishop8460]

I’m so happy you’re making these videos! I’d love if you and Gray watched “The Parent Test” and then talked about your notes/comments on the vlog or Instagram!

[@yellowyosh470]

Aww i love how supportive and involved your husband is. You both shared some great thoughts.

[@destiniann9673]

i appreciate this video so much and I hope that people see the importance of boundaries and leadership... without thinking that gentle parenting is something different than what you're describing!

[@lilgv4584]

This is soooo refreshing to hear! Great content

[@katiereagan-hz1bi]

Love this!! Would love to hear more on your parenting style/thoughts/opinions!

[@JustineKendall]

I've seen a few other people comment this but I would love a recommended reading list Bekah!! You bring up such great ones all the time but I don't always write them down.

[@allysonhutchens831]

I really like your approach to just be more yourself. I am currently talking with my partner about to start TTC & we kind of have the same approach of parenting where we just want to be ourselves and raise our kids. We don’t want to be mom and dad all the time (when it comes to interactions that is) and we want our kids to know who we are and that we are separate people.
I’m 25 and too many choices is definitely overwhelming for me. I feel like your string cheese Example is exactly how I’m gonna parent I’m going to give them the string cheese and then if they’re not happy about it, I’ll just tell them I can see you’re upset but we all feel like this sometimes I hope you can enjoy your string cheese. Gentle parenting doesn’t mean helicopter parenting & going out of your way for too many ridiculous requests sometimes you just gotta let things go and your kids will be upset & forget about it in 5 mins and move on!

[@taf7174]

Gentle parenting can have boundaries and still support your children. We are here to support, encourage, and teach our children how to live life. We're not here to control others. If you want someone to control, get a pet. Although, treating a pet that way also is not a good thing. We are all living and have a right to our own life. Children are people, you don't own them. Another point; if you don't give your child choices (two good ones, not one good/one "dog shit" , as another person said), they will not learn to make good choices or any choices when they are grown. I know, I'm a product of this.

[@monica8042]

Hoping to become a parent in the next year or so and you and Gray are definitely a model for what I want my own family to look like one day. Maybe we could get a list of some of your favorite parenting books? So glad you’re doing these videos!

[@lesliewit]

The thing to remember is that every child is a different human being and the way that you parent each child will be different. There are things that I can ask and things that I can say to my oldest son that my youngest son will never respond to no matter what his age is and there are things that I can do and say with my youngest son that would never work with my oldest because they are different human beings that have different needs. I think a lot of parents run into trouble when they adopt one style of parenting and don't adjust for different children. The reason why parenting is the toughest job out there is because you are literally walking a tightrope ducking and dodging at the same time. Be kind to yourself so that you can understand how to be kind to your children.

[@CMHMom23]

Gentle parenting is not yelling at your kids if they spill milk not ignoring their behavioral issues. This something a majority of people are doing wrong. I don’t claim to gentle parenting whatsoever but those family members who do have the worst behave bratty kids ever.

[@lomithedesigner]

Wow, I'm due in two months now, and I'm so glad that you made this, thank you.

[@shabrinaz9877]

People forget that Parent and Children are not equal at all, and to teach them about that.

[@OurMessyHouse]

You expressed my feelings exactly! Yes please more parenting videos.
I’ve been reading “commonsense parenting” and it’s been a great book so far too!

[@karolinaszymanska9028]

Thank you for sharing Bekah, more content like this please!

[@Aniexo_]

As a non parents I’ve always felt like that wasn’t the best way. But I kept my opinions to myself. I’m subscribing just bc you’re keeping it real! ❤

[@melissaduarte22]

OHHHHH MY WORD. Guuuurlllllllll I cannot believe you’re discussing that cheese video. This is EPIC

[@janaejohnson7987]

Oh man I needed this!!! as a new mom I was desperate for guidance and subscribed to a lot of the gentle parenting in the first couple years. Cut to recently, I realized it had led me down a path of being a boundary-less parent and I was miserable! My second daughter sounds so much like Frank. Total maniac with the biggest feelings ever and I’ve had to shift a lot of my thinking. Anyway, just nice to hear your thoughts and would love more about this!
Also when you have the example of “do you want the red bowl?” I thought you were offering your nanny kids Red Bull 🤣

[@classicalmloo1216]

For real! I go to my room to collect myself when I'm really upset. Its a quiet place to feel my feelings, reflect, and be safe. It helps me not say something in anger that I don't really mean. It helps me form my feelings into articulate sentences. It helps me become more objective. The whole equating room with jail is so weird to me.

[@prezleitabor2829]

I love this video! My daughter is 1.5 years and everything you’ve said has resonated with me. Thank you! 😊

[@KL123Moo]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You showed parenting has flexibility, growth and must fit the individual child! That’s smart parenting!

[@TAR121211]

Really enjoying your new videos and love this parenting video! My kids are literally a few months younger than each of yours and also girl then boy. I just ordered a book you recommended and I’m excited to read it! Would absolutely love to see more videos like this in the future!!!

[@MissBibz]

I love this because it shows that every child is different. Yes, you can follow the gentle/conscience parenting as a guide but please cater to YOUR specific child. If not, like you said it comes off as disingenuous and kids can spot BS from a mile away. I am in my own parenting journey and I have triggers that I am navigating and regulating emotions is HARD! Let alone for a child who doesn't even have a developed prefrontal cortex. Great content!

[@Linda-zv8ky]

Hubby and I were so lucky when our kids were babies.we were broke as he was just starting in his career. There weren’t many choices. I gave them the fruit that was closest to going bad.They only had one jacket. However when it came to choosing their on clothes I had a rule they could pick out whatever they wanted to wear for playing, but I picked their outfits if we were going to get into the car. They had few toys, but ones they loved and lots of books,(from library)
Home make snacks that they helped to make raisins and cookie cut into pieces
And any other bits of fruit or even a few m&ms
Today they are in their 50s and are loving caring people in everything they do
And are very good at limiting choices to what they really want. Thank God we were broke 😂😂😂