I think the hook is they present as someone they’re not and you keep looking for that person to come back and it takes awhile to realize that person was never who we thought they were
My sister got divorced from a huge narcissist. I could tell by the way he was acting, how he was speaking, that he was a narcissist. I didn’t know how much damage he did to my sister behind closed doors, but she’s finally and luckily in a very good place now. She can see him for what he is. They have 2 children together so she has to put up with him sometimes, but she more or less ignore him. I’m so proud of her!!
@@kristinaveirum yeah, because she let him do that. because maybe that's what she wanted. And then the next day she wanted something completely different. Where's the accountability? No one can do or say anything to you unless you allow it. Why did she allow him to strip her of her identity? Have you asked her?
@@bruha321 you've clearly never been abused before. Of course her self esteem is her job. But have you EVER been vulnerable, and less than perfect? And someone takes advantage of that by telling you what you wanna hear? By the time you realize what's happening, you've already been damaged. I NEVER thought it would happen to me, but now that I see, it can happen to absolutely anyone. Even highly secure people, with the right level of narcissist.
People with higher levels of empathy are shown to delay or not act on ending a relationship when it isnt right. They doubt themselves and put others first, as well as having elevated attachment.
Wish I could press like button a hundred times. So many tips all around on how to spot a narcissist (not usless though), but we forget that the main indicator is our own feelings, because narcissistic abuse can be so subtle and barely seen, so it literally makes you feel crazy and second guess yourself. Please don't devalue what you feel, but can not explain.
This is exactly what the experience is . You nailed it . I have to save this video because it is charged with the truth i wasn’t able to see for 10 yrs .
What is this? I’m hearing here is idealized. One example is that sure when we see our friends briefly at times, they lift us up and we walk away feeling energized, but in a relationship long-term as we get to know one another and years go by that dynamic changes. This is where the work begins. If you just walk away from this to the next, it will surely evolve into this again.
Wow, powerful... I stopped and thought about 3 of my closest friends and asked myself how they make me feel in a similar situation , and damn that was eye-opening
No one in your life can make you feel anything everything inside job i wish people would stop staying they made me feel this they made me feel that no they never that to do with what going on within you it has noting to do with anyone else
No.... Not having a stable genuine connection with another person is not a test of whether they are a narcissist or not.. FFS, Demanding your partner give you inspiration or be your muse sounds more like the action of narcissistic behavior. This conversation has value as relationship advice but does not address narcissism..
When you walk up to them with a problem and what’s upsetting you and you walk away feeling like you’re the problem is straight gold! It’s exactly that! Being open about your feelings should have your partner wanting to compromise and fix to make it better , if you are just as important to them …as they are to you! If they make you feel like your feelings are an issue that’s your red flag! 🚩Narcs never validate your feelings -because they expect you to have none! 🚩🚩 and all relationships will crumble with someone ignoring your feelings 🚩🚩 RUN 🏃♀️ listen to your gut ! It will take months or years to recover if you don’t ! And then look into your parents and family dynamic and see if you learned any dynamics or patterns from there !
This is definitely a real experience. You DO NOT MATTER. Yo do not. You’re like a roomba vacuum. You’re expected to do your job without the narc having to put in effort. You’re not supposed to voice concerns or say anything or else they’ll get mad and replace you.
Too much talk and no action: Leave The relationship causes you anxiety and it’s making you feel like crap, instead of feeling secure and peaceful: Leave If you bring stuff up that hurts you and you’re being ridiculed: leave. Something doesn’t feel right: leave A mistake repeated more than once is a decision (P.C.) and I think we should approach all our relationships with this in mind ❤️
It’s not just that simple or easy for a lot of women because narcissists are master manipulators. Often there’s nothing in the beginning. Sometimes it’s close to grooming. You don’t just say leave to a woman that’s in a domestic violence situation either.
@@kristinaveirum I was married to a narc for almost 15 years…I didn’t know why my relationship was so difficult. Let alone at that time there were next to no resources for narc abuse victims. I suffered tremendous ongoing psychological abuse punctuated by physical abuse. I left because it was the only thing I could do to save myself. I had no one to help me. Now I enter any relationship with my eyes wide open.
@@stephanie5471 My hat’s off to you because that takes extreme much strength. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve got your freedom and feelings back and your validation. My sister divorced a narc after 23 years and two children, and she’s finally completely free and sees him for what he is.
Well said Stephanie, Great questions to ask ourselves ... do I feel at peace or anxious? Do they rock the boat for kicks? Do they keep me off balance or keep me on track ? Do they support my needs or sabotage them? Do they confuse me with words /contradictory behaviours or am I comfortable or content ? Do they steal your joy, happiness, health ? Do I have energy or exhausted? Do I feel clarity or confusion ? Do I feel loved & supported or unloved and unsupported? Do they follow through or make endless excuses? Do you feel sane or insane?
It's is so very difficult, jarring, and painful when you wake up and realize these categories apply to your family of origin, especially when your family was/is outwardly "good." No socio-economic problems, good educations, apparently supportive parents, close friendships with other families in the community. But inside, a bullying, malignant older child in a deeply enmeshed relationship with our enabling mother, to his detriment. She's made it clear to me that his need to verbally and emotionally abuse people, including me, is "just how he is," that she's o.k. with it, and she very much wants me to be o.k. with it, as I've accepted it, and more, all my life.
One huge clue for me when I was living with my ex narc was that I was so much happier at work during the day and dreaded coming home. I was treated with respect at work but the minute I walked in the door to our home I felt worthless.
Hopefully you are out of that Situation, Stacy don't stay there to have feel that way. I'm very sure you deserve much better. Make your plan quietly and remove yourself . Stay Well.
I lived that b4 my divorce. Or the phone would ring or alert. I would instantly be filled with dread. Horrible feeling. Glad its over now. Rather be alone.
@@funkymonk542 AHHH yeah same! Literally! And by the end of it when I was driving home and enjoying my relaxing drive, I would get home, and she would be already creating conflict from NOTHNG! She would say "Are you hooking up with someone? you are 5 minutes late" and then hit me. Like those 5 minutes of me looking at a willow tree on my walk to the car I should be ashamed about... SO FUCKING TERRIBLE... Hope you found someone awesome and respectful!
Ppl who have never been entrapped in an abusive relationship have a difficult time understanding how someone gets into that situation. The abuser breaks you down over a long period that you don't even recognize yourself. And when you get out you have to re trust yourself that you won't allow that to happen again. Plus you have so much shame/regret/guilt for how you allowed yourself to be treated.
@PerfectionPending 🧙♀️ Me three... Tryning to become the person I was before it all happened and am constantly reminded of her everyday in some little way because she made me be with her for a year, isolated my friends from me cuz they could see the truth, and really changed me into some fem boy girlie soft version of who I really am. I wore rings and I would never do that, I grew my hair out and let her bleach it to make her happy cuz she really wanted to and shaved my beard for her cuz she really wanted me to and I cared too much... O snap I'm just realizing this NOW. I cared too much about her happiness and not enough about my own cuz I didn't love myself cuz she manipulated me to to be selfless and that I was always wrong.... She conditioned me to think that her vies on everything were better.
@PerfectionPending 🧙♀️ Yeah thanks :) I'm with my parents and little sisters living back home and working an amazing job that I love with my degree in my field of Architecture! She really didn't care about my passion for building buildings only showed small interest and led me to believe that she actually liked home but she was just grooming me to renovate a house that she liked in the future which isnt even my style so that's another thing I just realized while on this video and typing here. LOTS of growth to see the truth now which is amaizng for me to see how valuable and awesome I am. I'm working out and gained 15 pounds in three months since, she didn't let me eat much meat and made me eat vegetarian with her a lot cuz she would flip out at me if I brough home too much meat that wasnt nongmo and cage free from the store... So thanks for asking! I have my beard back and am doing awesome :)
I have a narc ex, and it took me years to recover myself. Its hell and so toxic.. Your identity becomes their property. So at one point you're not staying so much for love, more so because you're afraid of what happens with yourself if you leave. Identity crisis is what happens, maybe depression, but its always 1000% better and worth it over staying. Im healed now, the scars stay. But i can tell you within a second when im being manipulated by someone, thats human knowledge i learned the hard way. But its the sunny side of a bad experiance; wisdom.
I like to see the significant increase in spreading narcissist awareness. I married a covert passive aggressive one and was together for 22 years and had no idea of the covert insidious psychological and emotional abuse I was enduring. He never raised his voice, never laid a hand on me. He camouflaged cognitive empathy for emotional empathy and I projected my own empathy onto his manipulative behaviors. I became aware of how I enabled the abuse and wish I would’ve known about this in my late teens.
Its disappointing how full comprehension is only attained by those who have experienced it first hand. That's how incredibly insidious narcissistic behaviour can be. May those affected have the wisdom & discernment to choose healthy sustainable loving partnerships, friendships and most importantly live a self honoring self respecting and self fulfilling life ☯ Peace ☮ Love ☯ Harmony & Abundant Blessings ✨💙✨
I did too. They way you were able to communicate your experience was profound! Thanks for sharing. The ones that don't outwardly or consistently abuse you are really the most dangerous.
I think tuning in to how you physically feel in the presence of someone is an excellent barometer of what is going on for you. During love bombing stage I felt nauseous in my person’s presence. Had a constant feeling that something was off, but couldn’t understand why I felt this way. It was a gut feeling ‘something is not right’. But a narcissist has a profound ability to make you doubt yourself. Eventually after 4 months, I had a strong need for some space to just think. As soon as I decided this, I was bombarded with text messages, even a threat that they would end their life. Very scary time. I cut all communication with them & they still found a way to contact me. Total nutter. I TG that I had enough self awareness to know THEY were very unstable. I hope to never ever meet this personality type again.
Exactly. However that requires that one is in a balanced, open, flowing state, in tune with their body & can discern their energy from someone elses. In my last relationship I was already completely traumatized when we met. Therefore it was a mess and I second-guessed myself. I felt uneasy in the presence of him right from the beginning, but didn´t trust it for multiple reasons: 1) I was anyway in anxiety and very confused to begin with 2) I felt very quickly that we had known each other from past/parallel lives (might sound weird for some people, but I know this to be true), and there was a lot between us "in the field" that seemed to not relate to the present 3) I had parallel perception (his heart was so lovely and at the same time I felt he is defensive, hiding a lot and something told me to beware) 4) I intellectualized then that I might perceive wrong
@@butterfly4537 some are very secretive. Mine was. There are several subtypes and many cluster b personality disorders overlap. I often thought mine had some borderline in him.
The cluster b personality disorders do overlap. Borderlines usually talk or threaten suicide. I think my ex narc boyfriend had some borderline traits as well.
I always thought it was me. He always said I was the problem. I was a very emotionally stable person but I had this overly and not natural level of empathy. Maybe saying I am emotionally stable and overly empathic is an oxymoron. Even as a child I would watch where I walked as to not step on an ant and essentially kill it. I remember asking my whole family could they pls look where they are walking. I would feel so much pain if I saw anything being hurt. Idk maybe I am the problem, maybe i am too sympathetic. This man said I was crazy to the point, I actually believed him. He had so many other girls that my heart was dying. We were messaging one night and it got to the point, I just wanting the pain to stop. I told him I feel like doing something to myself… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, i believed him when he continually told me that I am a bad person. He texted back… do it! Go on do it! I never replied and he never text back until five hours later saying… don’t do it. I knew at that point, he didn’t care about me
Experiences like this show you who you truly are. You were a beautiful soul that was taken for granted & abused. What you have to offer is a rare thing & you must protect yourself with personal boundaries. This is not an easy thing to do, especially for Super Empaths like you. But truth be told there are people out there that will do you harm & do it willingly because of their own conditioning and issues. You have to be discerning & protect yourself. Sending you a big virtual hug. Stay strong 💪 ❤
I had an ex that would turn every problem we had into a 'you are crazy' thing. Even when I caught him on dating apps talking to other women and confronted him, he said he just wanted to make more lady friends and said i was crazy when I told him he shouldn't. Most toxic relationship ever, he made me feel like trash. All the while I was watching Matthew's videos and they gave me the strength to walk away. Matt, you are, to me, wiser than Gandhi 💋
Went through the same and he was allways screeming, gaslight and I told him about, I can not anymore, I was every week sick and took Antibiotika, and stomac reflux... he gave me silent tratament and Argumente when I adressed the issue, to resolve, no Chance. 😮 he told me no men want to stay with me and I am toxic and I didn't work at myself, and I am using him. He has no Job, no money, not even love 😮 what happen to me??? So resonate Matt, Thank You 🎉
This video really opened up my eyes to so many red flags in my relationship. The main one that hit home for me was when he mentioned that narcs make you feel crazy for expressing your feelings and I actually was starting to feel guilty about it. Once that started happening, I knew it was time to get out.
Yes, they have very little empathy so can’t deal with any “feelings” talk and if it is directed toward their behavior or something they did….they will gaslight you so they don’t have to take any responsibility.
That's when I started to realize something wasn't right when my ex husband and my family members were making me feel horrible and then I would go out in the world and everybody would tell me how amazing and sweet I was so I just recently got a divorce and I cut off my entire family and I've never felt so Good
Growing up in a narc family makes one think it's normal. Then other people who come into our life repeat the pattern. Edit: hit enter before I was ready. I'm glad you got out. The next step is figuring out how to avoid getting into another similar relationship.
The one thing that really got to me was my daughter. I was almost suicidal and I thought how she would feel if I were gone and what would I tell her if she were in the same situation. Now I'm separated and she is here visiting for Christmas. My kids have said now that they are so relieved I'm ok now and away from him.
I was watching this by chance on Christmas eve, wondering about life (how I had a toxic narcissistic parent who never made Christmas a pleasant event and how I fell for someone who harshly mistreated me). I needed to hear this, to get some reassurance I am doing the right thing by moving my life elsewhere. Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Massively difficult, painful work you're undergoing, but so worth it! You aren't responsible for what you experienced as a child, but how you choose to allow it to impact you as an adult is completely your responsibility. What is not, and never was, your responsibility is how others choose to feel about you. For me, this was incredibly hard to incorporate into my thinking, but it's so true. Your plain, reasonable boundaries will be earth shattering to those who have held the power in your relationships. They will react poorly; anticipate it and call them out for trying to guilt, bully, or bargain their way past your boundary. "If you continue to yell/name-call/try to guilt me, this conversation will be over. We can talk when you're able to be respectful." Then hang up or walk out the moment they misbehave. It takes commitment and a willingness to suffer their backlash, but they get the message. Sadly, you may find yourself being the subject of character assassination, gossip, being left off the family vacation or holiday plans, but that's about them, not you. Consider the source of their petty actions, and make your world a positive, loving, supportive one, even if it's just you for a time.
Yes, it can be really tough when a parent is the tantrum child in the family... It is hard to let that person go and release, but it is essential for one's own good health, peace of mind and joy.
That’s the key issue you have to *BE PRESENT* in the moment of what’s happening now and not what they promise it will be, or what they promised they will do etc. Narcs are evil bastards. They’ll waste years and years of your life if you let them!
I think at this point I'm just perpetually screwed up. When you come from a toxic, chaotic family, naturally you're drawn to other relationships that sort of mimic what you grew up with (even if what you desire is more stability and safety). I notice everything, but I wonder if I see problems in safe people (or at least people that seem generally safe) that aren't actually there because I'm so used to there being issues or problems (no matter the kind of relationship it is. Friend, lover, family, etc). I feel like I'm just the toxic one now and am constantly questioning how/if I'm destroying a relationship or a person in my life because of anxiety, or fear of abandonment, or this need to protect myself. I don't know how to have healthy relationships and just want to be left alone. The constant fear and exhaustion has completely taken over my life at this point.
I'd rather be alone than ever date someone who makes me miserable. It took a lot of bad relationships to realise this. Cheaters and those with learned narc behaviours. I am happy with my own company.
This is one of my favorites! Thank you both. I feel like you’re telling my life story. The part about it being hard to accept someone treating you nice really hit home. I’ve been out of a very unhealthy relationship for 7 years. I really had to work on my thinking around how I deserved and wanted to be treated. The journey of healing has been beautiful and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I would rather be single forever than end up in another relationship like the one I got out of! Thanks for helping so many with your videos!
This is so true. It can be hard to see this sometimes when you’re in the middle of these relationships. And there can be times (such as the love bombing times) when it does feel like magic being with the narcissist. When you finally come out of it you almost need to relearn what a normal relationship feels like again. To not be lied to and to be treated nicely and with respect.
“We are just alone on that boat with that toxicity, with that poison, and we become more and more divorced how wrong it is…and the people that love you wonder how you put up with this.” Spot on and I’m still having to “relearn” how I should be treated.
i was contemplating and praying bout this for a long time, i don't easily see someones selfish tendencies too, i don't see how i become codependent to try and solve their emotions, and i also don't see how i can be selfish too sometimes, after a long wrestle :) there's one verse that i now see different when Jesus said 'love your neighbors as you love yourself directly it could also mean love others not less or more than yourself if we love them less we become selfish, if we love them more we become codependent, i think that balance is so beautiful and healthy, and I pray we all get to experience that, Loving God above all opens to wisdom that is so beneficial in our lives, just want to share, i wish us all a wonderful and blessed relationship.
@@leahracquelGibson Wow I needed to hear that! Same! I'm becoming and manifesting the person I was before i met her and making sure that I watch for red flags in the future. I feel like before dating people need to know about this stuff and that being yourself should be hot not bad and your partner tryna change you to someone they like more.
This video hit a nerve with me. I was crying when you said you start feeling ashamed to tell people anything about your relationship. That's exactly how I feel at the moment. Made me think I am getting too isolated from people. I have been wanting to end my relationship for a while now because it makes me feel terrible all the time... I sleep bad, I am constantly questioning things, I am thinking all the time (worrying...) Everytime I think this time I 've really had enough he starts being nice, sweet and caring... But that doesn't last long... Because he constantly makes me feel like it's me that is sabotaging the relationship, he knows how to play on my feelings/sensitivities. He has a way with words. He uses logic on me... Ok maybe his logic, but it does resonate with me. I just don't know how to end it, cause it feels like he knows just what to say to reel me back in. All of my family and friends say to leave him because I am not myself anymore. I feel it as well. But I don't know how to end it... I need help I guess!!!
Sometimes, mostly, it's best not to share with anyone.... People will just take advantage of you if they hear you settled. Gore move on and be better on your own❤️
I had to leave when they weren't home, I packed everything I could cram Into the car. I felt terrible. I still do. Its been 5 months and not a day has gone by where he hasn't tried to contact me and drag it out. But getting out if the house was the critical and most empowering step
@Rianne Louwes Don't overthink it - he is making you do that. You already know this relationship is the wrong place for you & that you deserve someone who listens to you, cares for you & your feelings, nurtures & celebrates you. I've been there. I left my cover narc husband at the age of 59yrs. It took planning and every ounce of resolve I possessed. I was lucky and had (a lovely, non-narc!) family to stay with & help me recover. It sounds like you need to just take that huge step away. I have never regretted leaving. I wish you good judgement and future peace & happiness. ❤
I can relate and they ended the r.s for me.. and i ended up hurting. It is a struggle but i try my besst to look at it as a blessing.. Actions speak louder than words
That last part is so true. I've been with my new partner for a year now and he is kind and understanding and genuinely cares and it is so insanely hard. My brain has connected feelings of safety and love to danger, so I panic when I feel loved now. At the same time I am just not used to someone actually caring and continuously doubt what is happening. I have learnt for so long that passionate love hurts and that men are not emotionally mature enough to be an equal partner in a relationship. Trying to have a healthy relationship now is a lot of hard work, but I push through and hope it will eventually get easier.
@@vesadeka for me it was a combination of conscious effort, constantly reminding myself that all is good, rationally checking if I truly had any reason to be worried and reassuring myself that 1. He didn't exhibit any worrying behaviours and 2. I was a stronger person now who wouldn't break as easily. And the second thing that helped was him being this kind, gentle, calm person who was incredibly consistent in his behaviour.
@@vesadeka this is a difficult topic and I can only speak for myself and from my very personal experience. With this particular man it only took me about two months to conclude he meant it, but that was particular to him. 1. He was not the love bombing type. He was not a flashy personality and sincere and shy by nature and consistent in his actions. 2. I trusted myself to know that. And I personally am only scared of the narcissists that are flashy and charismatic which wasn't him
When I was still with my narc ex, I started reaching out for new friends, started looking up to friends that are professionals and that's what opened my eyes and helped me change and want to pull myself out of the hellish nightmare I was living in.
I can relate to reaching out to my friends when my ex was being verbally & emotionally abusive, they didn't think he was a great guy & that I shouldn't had to put up with the way he treated me . It wasn't til we broke up I finally saw what they were talking about it / why they didn't like him & I booted him out of my life for good .
Was in a situationship with a younger man who is a Narcissist. Suffered anxiety and self doubt for 15 months. Out of the blue met an older man who treats me like a queen. Goodbye Mr.Narc and all the toxicity and lies.
This was my marriage. It was a mind warp and so hard to see the truth. Now I am almost divorced and have an incredible boyfriend who is the complete opposite. I still can't wrap my mind around someone actually loving me and being a safe sane person. I've walked through lots of healing before him, but being in this relationship brings a whole level of healing that I couldn't have experienced without being loved well. It's the most beautiful thing to have a relationship full of intellectual conversation, emotional intelligence, and vulnerability that is reciprocated. It is uncomfortable sometimes, but I tell myself truth in those moments and push past that feeling and choose to stay open and he's always there to meet me with kindness and gentleness. It's incredible to find someone who sees me and hears me and loves me still.
I wonder so many time wha it must be like to be with someone who SEES me, appreciates me as a PERSON. How do I leave? No finances. And I’m dependant. I’m so lonely inside.
@@kathymyers7279 Don't despair - can you get a job? Do you have a friend or family you can live with whilst getting back on your feet? Try speaking to Time to Talk, visit your doctor for referrals to other places for sensible, practical advice. Plan carefully, as in my experience, I was up against lots of resistance when I was planning to leave and you need to be strong. You can do it - and have a better life.❤
I love Matthew’s videos and am grateful for all the things I have learned from him to strengthen my relationships - but have to wonder who are all these people who get treated “normally”? Between narcissists, liars, emotionally immature, and mentally unstable/ill men out there I don’t know who is left. Every time I am convinced I can “exhale” and trust someone, the other shoe drops and their true character comes out. Luckily, this has often happened sooner than later but it’s destructive none the less. It would be great to see a video on what a “normal” healthy man interested man looks like - because they all seem to be using good women with very little regard for the consequences.
I hear you. I found much value in learning how to work with male gender through empowered wife as well as Beyond Mars and Venus and other insights that says when men feel disrespected they will behave poorly and in ego without empathy. Men are not women. Any trauma history can cause some dysfunction to iron out as long as two are committed to creating a healthy relationship. Many of us don’t learn or have modeled a healthy loving relationship with the opposite sex. This is vital for any turn around. So much is sharing what’s wrong but not how to repair and get it right.
I cannot thank you enough for this. Your words resonated with very deeply and admittedly, I’ve been watching A LOT of content about getting out of a narc relationship. I think I’m at my breaking point after 16 years and need help accepting the REALITY of the situation at hand. Thank you so very much for bringing such clarity to these complex and nightmarish situations. ❤
I want to add on thing... not only do we have to relearn what good behavior looks and feels like, we have to relearn to actually be attracted to it. We have to find out how to have THAT kind of behavior create sparks in us. Our twisted version of love becomes the version we got from the narc - so we either keep going back to the narc, or we are unconsciously attracted to another one! We have to re-train our brain and our hearts to love what is good for us vs what is bad for us. It is like replacing heroine with green juice drinks...if I can make an analogy.
Starting at the 10:25 mark, what you said about feeling ashamed around friends who came to your rescue opened my eyes and gave me goosebumps. Because that is exactly why I had been starting to hide the fact that I was secretly meeting up with my on and off again narcissist girlfriend. It was because I felt shame around my friends who had told me I shouldn't be putting up with it, that I just stopped talking to them about it or I would lie about going to visit and be with her. Thank you so much for that one piece of this video. I was able to show it to my friends and help them understand how I was truly feeling and what was going on in my head when I would do that.
This is me during a separation from my wife . As soon as we are done with the passion, she starts with all the money needs and asking for things and telling me to cancel the divorce..etc
You are right, what they say does not matter. If a person cheats on you and betrays you, that person is living a lie. If you try to ask them a simple question, like "What do you really want?" they will be triggered and react with projection and rage.
I burst out crying at this I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Being an empathetic person I have been so lost for so long. Consumed by the narc thinking I am crazy
You aren’t crazy. They are manipulators and are gaslighting you to make you believe this because they don’t want to face up to the truth or the issue you are addressing. Praying for your safety and release.
Addicts also exhibit a lot of the same behaviors: immaturity, irresponsibility, low empathy, usery/taking advantage of, gaslighting, etc......not necessarily addicted to drugs either. Just throwing out an FYI. Not saying the prognosis is much better. Nice example! Great barometer. Spot-on with the how shame erodes a person from the inside out.
I figured out/learned why we return for the same. A. We have poor boundaries/self-love so we don't reject when we see a bad sign b. We take bad signs as good signs - bad ppl are all too happy to pretend to be what you want them to be, and we're needy for love and validation, so they love bomb, initially. So while a healthy person might view it as a red flag that someone is showing inappropriate levels of affection too fast, we see it as Prince Charming. Solution for all of this is to start focusing on you - learn to guide your actions by what you think and feel, that will build self trust and love, which will give you better judgement. Important to realize 'bad' people are broken, like us. We both idealize the others refuse to see reality. They just get mad and mean about it :)
This is so true... Question is though, how does one go about starting to do that when you've been manipulated into feeling that about yourself and I guess before to for so so long??
I completely agree! I now don't know how to accept a Normal and equal effort kind of relationship with someone interested in me , that relationship I now feel was so narcissistic that it has blurred the image of what a genuine person could be like, I completely adore you as a great relationship coach
What if the narcissist after gaslighting ends up feeling like a victim how youve described here? He drives the womam mad to the point the relationship becomes toxic and it all becomes blurry who is wrong
Lol of course they do. That has nothing to with you. Tell yourself that's their life, this is mine. Listen to your feelings, write them out, as well as what's right and wrong. Overrides the coding, codependency, spell, whatever you want to to call it.
I wish I knew this earlier. I was with one for 8 years and finally, I got myself together and left him. 2021 has been a successful year of recovery and I will continue to heal myself and be cautious in future. I almost married him and I'm glad that I didn't.
My experience was that when I told my friends about my negative experiences from a toxic relationship, by questioning my feelings and challenging my experiences with exceptions, they made me doubt my intuitions and I further continued the toxic relationship for more time .
15 years. 2 beautiful children. In the end, I don't know who was the narcissist in our relationship. Probably the two of us. We turned each other into narcicists until we got on the edge of insanity. I could not bring myself to leave him and neither could he. Finally, he met someone else, someone good for him, someone with whom he learned to love again. Someone who made him let me go. He freed me. But now I am so afraid of loving again. So scared of turning someone else into a monster. So afraid of hurting someone that much. So afraid of being bullied again. And there's this feeling of deep guilt.. Anyway I am on my own now and I am free at last and that is all that matters for the moment. Thank you so much for putting words on what I used to live: the unspeakable truth. It's like you spread a healing ointment on my wounds and filled me with understanding. 🙏
I'm listening to this almost tearing up Matt, because I just got out of a relationship, not with a narcassit (because I've seen what narcasissts really do. I've been there) but it was a relationship with someone with "those tendencies". And I absolutely love and respect how you made that distinction and acknowledged this pattern. You do not have to be with a narcasist to come out bruised on some levels. Sometimes it's their tendencies that really take you to that dark place of shame in the relationship. And in one of your videos you said that we all have narcassitic traits in ways. This is also another great distinction. We all really do, and I think it's great to always draw a line between these 3 different cases and understand how they can look different and affect you, the receiving partner, differently.
Appreciate you doing a video on such an important topic, Matthew. Your videos reach a large audience so I’m glad you are promoting this information so people are aware these types of personality disorders exist and can be dangerous. For me, it’s simple - love bombing and mirroring and important red flags to avoid. Moving quickly could mean that ur with a narc too. How to vet them? Maintain BOUNDARIES and enforce them immediately, and have SELF RESPECT. Those are repellants for narcs; they only want people they can control, use and abuse In the end. Don’t tell them everything. “What are you looking for in a partner?” You say: “I’ll know it when I see it.” Don’t give away too much, wait and let them prove themselves to you. That works for everyone, hence the need to date before getting serious or getting hitched.
OMG you r soooo right ...they study you and project themself what you want ...by love bombing and sometimes they use this information against you ...don't share everything until they'll gain you intrest
So true. 'We know deep down we're making excuses.' And yes. I also stopped telling my friends the 'situation' I was still in because I was ashamed. The so called relationship has ended months ago, but I thought and hoped we'll make our way back...but...yes...Deep down I knew there was something off...he was using me and I was too afraid to see. Every time I was moving forward he pulled me back to his darkness with 'promisses and roses'. Now he has another one, right next to his door. How convinient. And thanks to you two and your wonderfull input I know I will find my strength again. Thank you so much.
Staying up late, I happened upon this while seeking clarity after guests left yesterday. Believing there are no coincidences, I absolutely needed to hear this profound Simple Test tonight in NZ - thank you Matthew so so much. You described my life, the shame, the isolation especially from my 3 adult children, and despair I have felt living with a covert narcissist and an alcoholic 15 yrs, & I had almost believed I couldn’t survive on my own until now - the reality is, of course I can, and deserve to be among respectful people! Over Christmas’22, I have politely endured being gaslight by the 75 yo female of the couple we graciously hosted from USA for the past 6 days. I also agonisingly witnessing her husband dutifully tolerating her constant put-downs, demands, ugly need to control us all with her rigid routines, and the need to be right, plus eye rolling when she disagreed with what I said. I felt trapped and very wounded, recognising the narcissistic behaviour, which had escalated since our last meeting 3 years ago. I am the empath and a perfect target. My partner also gaslight me for being too upset and trivialised things- 2 narcissists in house was complete overwhelm! Of course HE wasn’t the target! At 64, I have tonight decided to give the tenants in my house 3 month’s notice, and I now plan to move in, along with the dog, March ‘23. I will work out how to manage this quietly and slowly,& how to finance the mortgage, in the meantime. It’s a decision I was procrastinating about as have doubted my ability until now. What a NY’s resolution - one that I will accomplish for a change - 😆 XXX❤
+@clairewalker9796 ,when you have been married to the narc you mentioned, like when yall would get into a small disagreement or like if you asked a simple yes or no question would he say things like "how would you not know that?Good thing you have me or you wouldn't make it in this world?" Or like "how stupid can you be?It's easy simple how can you not know that?Dumb ass?.Or like talk to you like you are a dumb child that needed a lecture?And everyday call you stupid or dumb?
I'm a 29 year old woman. I work in healthcare and assist in saving lives. When I was 18 I got pregnant while on vacation in Argentina. I'm half Argentinean and half USA American. My daughter lives with her father and I have a lawyer working on getting her visitation to the USA approved. It's taboo for me to be in USA while she is in Argentina and I know people justify wanting to break my heart when they covet the man I am intimate with. I also notice he has struggled with it too. Except I can't undo getting pregnant on accident. Killing her was/is out of the question. I still want to be loved, still want to be respected, still want to be in a healthy relationship. Except, I wonder if the man I am intimate with is a narcissist or crabby. If he handles the shame and guilt I feel by calling me a dumb count. By calling me names and picking on little things. Ex. A single strand of hair got in the sink and they got mad and started yelling. Ex2. I needed toilet paper in the second bathroom and they went off on how they have to everything by themselves. It's sad because I might have lost age 21 and so on. I keep wondering if I get love bombed or if they are struggling with my situation and problems.
"Seeking happiness is often not comfortable because it means seeking the unknown..." This bit at the end was true gold. Really helped me today. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Not only do they invalidate your feelings, they try to make you feel like the concern you bring up is actually your problem, and not theirs. For example, there was a very serious and important question I had for her (when I started to catch on to her antics). She refused to answer my question and danced around for 30-45 minutes, avoiding it. And then she said, “why do you have to make this conversation last so long?!”
I was told “you talk too much” when I tried to resolve an issue.. And that I was “too professional”when I asked him what was the plans and expectations if we moved in together He said I was treating the relationship like a business But as a mother I can’t just move in with someone without knowing what I’m getting into and I thought it was too fast…
Same thing happened here man; I asked her if she could provide more energy into the relationship cus i started feeling like I wasn't good enough due to her lack of reciprocation. I told her this reminded me of the relationship i had with my parents in my childhood, which traumatized me big time. I kid u not, she replied to this with: "Don't throw your trauma on me!!" And "Why do you have control issues?" Still struggling with it 3 years later, cus I made it a reality
This is true. We need to have our deep inner confidence in order not to fall prey to toxic abusers. The comparison of how we feel around good, sane and safe people is a great barometer to show us how different it can be in the presence of narcisistic predators. Thank you for this brilliant conversation. We need to return to sanity. ❤
It makes me so happy and humble that you addressed this aspect in such detail and so carefully. This is exactly the phase I am in right now. Looking back and trying to check if that person genuinely has narcissistic tendendcies and thanks to the barometer you explained, it makes so much sense now and yet so hard to admit...He is a has covert narc tendencies which showed up for the very first time 7 years into our relationship. 7 years!!! If it was not for the one serious argument we had, it would have never came out to light. I am still absorbing all this and I dont think he will ever change, which means i will have to face that single reality and the uncertaintly of the future. You were absolutely right to point living the abnormal, the abusive twists our perception of what is healthy and what is not. Suddenly, feeling kindness and acceptance feels abnormal and creates the feeling of discomfort. How destructive is this...! Thank you so much guys for taking the time to discuss this topic. God bless you!
If it showed up once then it's not narcissistic. To be a narcissist it has to be pervasive. Narcissistic tendencies arise in all of us when we are being defensive/insecure or if we picked it up from someone else but unless it's pervasive then it means you can resolve your conflict through communication. Because we all hurt people when we are hurt or angry. I am just giving you an alternative perspective. Do reflect on their past behaviour. And also observe if this new "pattern" is becoming pervasive and abnormal then you'll know. Having said that if someone is toxic and continue to behave so even after pointing it out then it's better to leave and save your mental health narcissist or not. Inability to reflect and change or even acknowledge the bad behaviour is just emotional immaturity.
I absolutely agree what Priya said to you. Check the "Queen code" from Alison Armstrong. She gives advised how to bring the best in men because we can triggered some staff and we both can be mean, men and women but it doesn't mean all are narcissists.
I've been trying to learn why I was with someone like that, how I let myself get into that type of situation so I never give up my power like that again
@@Jadenmic I started looking up relationship red flags and when the word narcissist kept popping up I researched it. Not only was I married to one but his dad and dad's girlfriend are also narcs so I was in hell. I also joined Facebook groups for victims of narcissistic abuse.
I have been following you since I was 16 (I'm 25 now) and I have not come across a video of yours thats not relatable. It really shows how genuine and Caring you really are! Love seeing your channel grow 🥰💕
Did you find love? Or at least have better relationships as a result of watching Matthew's videos? I've been watching them for 6 months after discovering recently and wish I'd found them a whole lot sooner! 💗
If you had a parent who is narcissistic (and the other parent is codependent) you are vulnerable for getting involved in relationships with narcissists. Its a painful experience but truly transformative if you are willing to do the deep dive. But prevention is key, so I truly wish this topic will be part of the schools curriculum one day!
I was with a bipolar narcissist for 6 years and ended up alienating family and friends because I was ashamed and didn't want to talk about my life. You are 100% right. Now I'm finally working on being me again and honestly you guys have really helped motivate me to set boundaries and put me first for once. Thank you!
*If your partner has narcissistic behaviours, discuss as early on as possible.. If they continue then LEAVE ❌* *Too many examples of the individual doing that and NEVER changing their behaviour.. you deserve better* 🙏
I didn't know what narcissistic behaviors. I thought I was one who had to accept his behavior because he was smarter than me. I thought he would love me more if I behave as he told me. It took me 4 years to realize that I was in toxic relationship even though my friends and family warned me.
@@chinmiyi390 Moving forward I'm really gonna trust my friends and family's view of my girlfriend more because I want a happy wedding and life together for everyone. Everyone needs to get along and my friends and Family want me to have my best life and arnt blinded by the love and manipulation so their judgement is very valuable :)
Matthew is so on point about the healthy and loving relationship just feeling uncomfortable and scary after you’ve been treated like crap for years by someone you loved deeply yet it felt oh so familiar…
I recently packed my weekend bag and told my husband: I need to see my sister. I hadn’t seen her in 2 years for reasons that were mainly settled in my husband‘s opinion of her and her actions. So I went away for a weekend (which I had never done every since we moved in together) and it felt like coming up from a deep dive. Finally I was able to breath and not hold my breath anymore. Finally I could say and do the things I felt I needed without constantly being criticized. It’s so easy to get pulled into a toxic relationship dynamic over time. Last year I abandoned most of the people who told me to get divorced because I felt like I needed to make a choice and „of course“ as a wife you have to identify with everything your husband says, thinks and does - right? I‘m glad I finally had the courage to do the uncomfortable thing.
It's one of the reasons I spend more time with my mother rather than my father. When I'm with my mother I feel heard and supported, cared for. When I'm with my father I usually feel wretched. He constantly makes me feel like my life is not good enough, I'm not good enough, and that it's never going to get any better. It was hard for me to tell him this and it didn't change our relationship much but it changed me. Taking that step to tell him lightened my mind a lot.
Matthew and Stephen thank you so much for this! I don’t know if my “friend “ is a narcissist. But this video turned my perspective around on how I feel when I’m around him. I accepted being in the friend zone. I opened up to him frequently about how I’m trying to change my feelings and struggling but he would never say anything. We just went away together and finished a marathon. Spending a week with him in paradise I realized how anxious I’ve been around him and how I really felt bad about myself. I told him it was a great time to part ways. Not as excruciating as I thought. I told him everything I wanted to and left it on our vacation. I felt a freedom I hadn’t felt in a long time. No anger or blame. We communicate differently and I told him I’m not going to settle. Your latest videos guided me to making the right decision for me. Thank you so much!
Never share vulnerability to soon ..infact you don't have to share it with any person except a trained physchologist.... let your friends show you of they can be trusted. Earn your trust. Otherwise, these types of people will take advantage of your weaknesses and use it for their gain. There isn't a need to discuss your previous challenges. You got this on your own
You are correct...I experience this and it went for many years...I could no create...I am an artist and my self steam was going down. Now that we are not together I have became very productive and creative and positive about my life. I feel more happy by myself.
Thank you for all of your really insightful videos, Matthew and Stephen. It has taken me years to understand the dynamics in my relationships that would leave me feeling confused and unsettled. I had to cut throught all of the romanticizing I did about my partner and see them as they really are, which, in some cases, was narcissistic. I am someone who has worked with battered women and could see the narcissicm in their partners' behaviors really clearly, but was in a fog about the emotional abuse in my own romantic relationships. I grew up with narcissistic parents, so it was really hard to break the pattern of trying to please the narcissist. But I'm nearly 50 and I finally feel free. I can spot the love-bombing, gaslighting, the bad-mouthing of others to make the self feel more important, and the ego fragility of the narcissist right from the start of any romantic connection, and I run from that back toward my sanity, Cheers everyone!
Hi how do you find out very early in dating somebody they are going to be like this I’m still learning I’ve had a bad childhood and I’m getting better but I keep making the same patterns when I meet somebody like getting them to do things for me then I get annoyed then they seem to be overwhelming to much like a new man said I can do that in your house and this and that then I start to feel overwhelmed and feel trap then I think why did I do that because I know I can do most of those things myself etc or I talk about the future knowing I’m not sure about the future as it’s early days I can see the patterns but I seem to keep doing them and it’s so annoying because I want to take things slow that’s how I am but I seem to talk to much to early is it’s because I’m people pleasing because what happens is the person gets very involved very quick then I get frightened of this and finish it as it’s to much I’m not ready for that x
@@teresareid5034 You must be friends first, you must share secrets one at a time back and forth, share equal amounts of info, match their energy, if they don't like the effort you give then they don't like being treated how they treat people and are selfish and going to be doing that in the future and hurting you. Just take things really slow. That's the best way. And ask your friends what they think of your crush cuz they arent blinded by love and the things that you like them for, they see the real person... for who they are to people they are not trying to manipulate...
I started dating my former boyfriend just as covid struck and the world closed down. Friends couldn't get together, nor family. My church closed its doors! He and I were in it alone. He talked me into letting him move in with me, and once he was settled in and had more money, the serious drinking and bad behavior began. With covid out there, I was stuck with him. It took A LOT OF PERSISTANCE to get him out over a year later. Ten months later he is still trying to come back, despite being blocked, ignored and greyrocked.
Such toxic people have the ability to make you addicted to them. Running into someone 'normal' may seem boring by comparison. How does one learn to detox from this?
The problem here is that narcissists do care A LOT about the image they sell and usually they're "the perfect boyfriend" around your friends and family. It is extra dangerous because no one believes you when you tell them the problems on the relationship and how you feel. They say "Oh I can't believe he did that, maybe you misunderstood him" etc etc. Because he's so kind and nice and all the good things around them. I experienced this and I almost lost my mind back then. I started to believe that maybe I'm the problem here and maybe I'm crazy. Because he was the kindest person on earth when speaking to a waiter, or my grandma, but was a totally different person when we're alone.
This is my ex... I would tell his friends I was unhappy and the things he did and they always told me to "talk to him" "maybe he doesnt understand" "he talks about you all the time and tells us how amazing he thinks you are" but I would tell them he is not making me FEEL this way. I asked my ex for quality time, he would scream and shout Im being clingy, needy, asking too much, I should be grateful, he helps with bills, he buys me gifts so I should be grateful. He would shout "if Im that much of a bad fiancee why dont you break up with me?" ... so I did 👍
favorite video ever. Describes so eloquently what a narcissistic abusive relationship is like, and how you become brainwashed and all your patterns of thinking are destroyed, and the only truth that exists is the one they decide about...
What if I am the narcissist? What if I don’t want to be, but there are issues, psychological and emotional issues lingering from my past, which don’t enable me to flourish in my relationship with the person I love. I have traits that were mentioned in this video but how can I snap out of them and flourish and be the good man I want to be for the person I love. There is no on and off switch after having been abused through my whole childhood. It’s easy to leave someone but to have gotten in a relationship with a narcissist means there have to be some good traits that make us fall in love with such person.
It's great you have that self awareness and insight and want to be a better person. Psychotherapy can help, especially if you find a therapist that is a good fit for you.
Thank you Matthew! This video brought so much light and clarity, I’ve written few things down to come back to it whenever my empathy levels will try to turn back time around. I’m leaning into the reality of now and not what’s promised for my reality one day to become. This video is gold ✨ This vid comes in, at a perfect time when I realized everything about my newly established ex and his patterns and Why did I feel exhausted ALL THE TIME. I have to accept for my sake that some people won’t change, just cuz they are being told about their flaws and how they affect the relationship itself. Because in his reality, I was crazy and should’ve been oh so grateful for being able to call him mine. Bullocks.
Initially he isolated me from others by saying they didn’t like me or were flawed in some way. At the end I only had his reflection of me and I felt like a stranger to myself. Being around other people now allows me to see glimpses of my old self. It’s early days but this video is spot on, if you don’t like yourself around this person it is a huge red flag.
You have a unique way to tell a story !!! I was really moved by Oscar Wild’s letter !!! You are so right about toxicity and poison of narcissistic relationship! Thank you Mathew ! You can speak to my heart ❤️
Wow Matthew, this was on point with what I have been experiencing. I do feel shame bc I did stay with him and continued to believe when he said he would change. More than forgiving him for his betrayal, I know I must forgive myself for being so stupid and overlooking the flashing red flags. This has been the most difficult relationship to cut off. I had really believed he was my future husband. I'm so grateful my friend talked me out of marrying him so he could get his visa. Thank you for bringing this to our awareness and may this be significantly helpful for us to truly love ourselves first before loving a narcissist. 💜
Also, we don’t want to “put upon” our friends and be the Debbie Downer in our friend group, possibly having friends turn away. I’d say keep the gripes limited to a “Narc. Support Group” of like- minded sufferers. And, I might add, sufferers who whether they’re in stay mode or go mode, are focusing on the prize of their own self-worth, maintaining sanity, forward thinking progress, solutions-oriented recovery.
Coercive Control illegalized in England in 2015. Next in Ireland and scotland. It seems odd that mentally disordered individuals are still allowed to abuse other individuals psychologically and get by with it. It is not illegal here in the US whether in family dynamic or in the work dynamic.
I think the hook is they present as someone they’re not and you keep looking for that person to come back and it takes awhile to realize that person was never who we thought they were
Yes I’m still searching for the mask he wore
My sister got divorced from a huge narcissist. I could tell by the way he was acting, how he was speaking, that he was a narcissist. I didn’t know how much damage he did to my sister behind closed doors, but she’s finally and luckily in a very good place now. She can see him for what he is. They have 2 children together so she has to put up with him sometimes, but she more or less ignore him. I’m so proud of her!!
the abuse was so bad that not only did she have a kid with him, she had two kids!
@@bruha321 She lost her entire identity.!He stripped her from it!
@@kristinaveirum yeah, because she let him do that. because maybe that's what she wanted. And then the next day she wanted something completely different. Where's the accountability? No one can do or say anything to you unless you allow it. Why did she allow him to strip her of her identity? Have you asked her?
@@bruha321 I bet you are a narcissist you are bitter 😮
@@bruha321 you've clearly never been abused before. Of course her self esteem is her job. But have you EVER been vulnerable, and less than perfect? And someone takes advantage of that by telling you what you wanna hear? By the time you realize what's happening, you've already been damaged. I NEVER thought it would happen to me, but now that I see, it can happen to absolutely anyone. Even highly secure people, with the right level of narcissist.
People with higher levels of empathy are shown to delay or not act on ending a relationship when it isnt right. They doubt themselves and put others first, as well as having elevated attachment.
Interesting point! Thankyou
sigh. Me
Explains why I stayed till the end
Are you an empath or do you have cptsd?
@@BillBennettYoga Me? a Highly sensitive person so a bit of both.
Never let anyone have that much power over you...you are about you...period.
@@keiraadolph442 Your comment makes no sense, to what I said...
Wish I could press like button a hundred times.
So many tips all around on how to spot a narcissist (not usless though), but we forget that the main indicator is our own feelings, because narcissistic abuse can be so subtle and barely seen, so it literally makes you feel crazy and second guess yourself.
Please don't devalue what you feel, but can not explain.
Even having to rub elbows with a narcissist to gather info, is incredibly exhausting.
This is exactly what the experience is . You nailed it . I have to save this video because it is charged with the truth i wasn’t able to see for 10 yrs .
Better deal with a Devil you know than an Angel you don't... Hard truth is "confort zone" is a deadly zone. Better life demands courage
What is this? I’m hearing here is idealized. One example is that sure when we see our friends briefly at times, they lift us up and we walk away feeling energized, but in a relationship long-term as we get to know one another and years go by that dynamic changes. This is where the work begins. If you just walk away from this to the next, it will surely evolve into this again.
Wow, powerful... I stopped and thought about 3 of my closest friends and asked myself how they make me feel in a similar situation , and damn that was eye-opening
You are changing lives for the better with this information. I will listen to this many more times than once. ❤️
No one in your life can make you feel anything everything inside job
i wish people would stop staying they made me feel this they made me feel that no they never
that to do with what going on within you it has noting to do with anyone else
Excellent. It`s as though you were talking to me from the very same room. some of what you say is completely unheard of on UA-cam. thankyou
this is Isabelle, not Danyelle, by the way, daughter.
😱 This is eye opening! I never realized this! Thank you Matthew!!
Brilliant video so spot on
Homosexuality itself wasn’t a crime. Buggery was the crime.
Good examples. Although I am not so sure that Oscar Wilde himself wasn't prone to narcissistic tendencies himself.
Explained so very well and could relate to every single thing you said.
Thank you Matthew for the incredible work you do 🙏🏽
THANK YOU
No....
Not having a stable genuine connection with another person is not a test of whether they are a narcissist or not..
FFS, Demanding your partner give you inspiration or be your muse sounds more like the action of narcissistic behavior.
This conversation has value as relationship advice but does not address narcissism..
Thank you ✨♥️
When you walk up to them with a problem and what’s upsetting you and you walk away feeling like you’re the problem is straight gold! It’s exactly that! Being open about your feelings should have your partner wanting to compromise and fix to make it better , if you are just as important to them …as they are to you! If they make you feel like your feelings are an issue that’s your red flag! 🚩Narcs never validate your feelings -because they expect you to have none! 🚩🚩 and all relationships will crumble with someone ignoring your feelings 🚩🚩 RUN 🏃♀️ listen to your gut ! It will take months or years to recover if you don’t ! And then look into your parents and family dynamic and see if you learned any dynamics or patterns from there !
This! 👏🏽💯
Well said
This is definitely a real experience. You DO NOT MATTER.
Yo do not.
You’re like a roomba vacuum. You’re expected to do your job without the narc having to put in effort.
You’re not supposed to voice concerns or say anything or else they’ll get mad and replace you.
Very true
Very excellently said!
Too much talk and no action: Leave
The relationship causes you anxiety and it’s making you feel like crap, instead of feeling secure and peaceful: Leave
If you bring stuff up that hurts you and you’re being ridiculed: leave.
Something doesn’t feel right: leave
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision (P.C.) and I think we should approach all our relationships with this in mind ❤️
It’s not just that simple or easy for a lot of women because narcissists are master manipulators. Often there’s nothing in the beginning. Sometimes it’s close to grooming.
You don’t just say leave to a woman that’s in a domestic violence situation either.
@@kristinaveirum I was married to a narc for almost 15 years…I didn’t know why my relationship was so difficult. Let alone at that time there were next to no resources for narc abuse victims. I suffered tremendous ongoing psychological abuse punctuated by physical abuse. I left because it was the only thing I could do to save myself. I had no one to help me.
Now I enter any relationship with my eyes wide open.
@@stephanie5471 My hat’s off to you because that takes extreme much strength. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve got your freedom and feelings back and your validation. My sister divorced a narc after 23 years and two children, and she’s finally completely free and sees him for what he is.
Well said Stephanie,
Great questions to ask ourselves ...
do I feel at peace or anxious?
Do they rock the boat for kicks? Do they keep me off balance or keep me on track ?
Do they support my needs or sabotage them?
Do they confuse me with words /contradictory behaviours or am I comfortable or content ?
Do they steal your joy, happiness, health ?
Do I have energy or exhausted?
Do I feel clarity or confusion ?
Do I feel loved & supported or unloved and unsupported?
Do they follow through or make endless excuses?
Do you feel sane or insane?
It's is so very difficult, jarring, and painful when you wake up and realize these categories apply to your family of origin, especially when your family was/is outwardly "good." No socio-economic problems, good educations, apparently supportive parents, close friendships with other families in the community. But inside, a bullying, malignant older child in a deeply enmeshed relationship with our enabling mother, to his detriment. She's made it clear to me that his need to verbally and emotionally abuse people, including me, is "just how he is," that she's o.k. with it, and she very much wants me to be o.k. with it, as I've accepted it, and more, all my life.
One huge clue for me when I was living with my ex narc was that I was so much happier at work during the day and dreaded coming home. I was treated with respect at work but the minute I walked in the door to our home I felt worthless.
Hopefully you are out of that Situation, Stacy don't stay there to have feel that way. I'm very sure you deserve much better. Make your plan quietly and remove yourself . Stay Well.
I remember how much I just hated going home after work….
So true I felt at peace when I was alone driving until her text came in .
I lived that b4 my divorce. Or the phone would ring or alert. I would instantly be filled with dread. Horrible feeling. Glad its over now. Rather be alone.
@@funkymonk542 AHHH yeah same! Literally! And by the end of it when I was driving home and enjoying my relaxing drive, I would get home, and she would be already creating conflict from NOTHNG! She would say "Are you hooking up with someone? you are 5 minutes late" and then hit me. Like those 5 minutes of me looking at a willow tree on my walk to the car I should be ashamed about... SO FUCKING TERRIBLE... Hope you found someone awesome and respectful!
Ppl who have never been entrapped in an abusive relationship have a difficult time understanding how someone gets into that situation. The abuser breaks you down over a long period that you don't even recognize yourself. And when you get out you have to re trust yourself that you won't allow that to happen again. Plus you have so much shame/regret/guilt for how you allowed yourself to be treated.
@PerfectionPending 🧙♀️ Me three... Tryning to become the person I was before it all happened and am constantly reminded of her everyday in some little way because she made me be with her for a year, isolated my friends from me cuz they could see the truth, and really changed me into some fem boy girlie soft version of who I really am. I wore rings and I would never do that, I grew my hair out and let her bleach it to make her happy cuz she really wanted to and shaved my beard for her cuz she really wanted me to and I cared too much... O snap I'm just realizing this NOW. I cared too much about her happiness and not enough about my own cuz I didn't love myself cuz she manipulated me to to be selfless and that I was always wrong.... She conditioned me to think that her vies on everything were better.
@PerfectionPending 🧙♀️ Yeah thanks :) I'm with my parents and little sisters living back home and working an amazing job that I love with my degree in my field of Architecture! She really didn't care about my passion for building buildings only showed small interest and led me to believe that she actually liked home but she was just grooming me to renovate a house that she liked in the future which isnt even my style so that's another thing I just realized while on this video and typing here. LOTS of growth to see the truth now which is amaizng for me to see how valuable and awesome I am. I'm working out and gained 15 pounds in three months since, she didn't let me eat much meat and made me eat vegetarian with her a lot cuz she would flip out at me if I brough home too much meat that wasnt nongmo and cage free from the store... So thanks for asking! I have my beard back and am doing awesome :)
Absolutely
Spot on
This was perfectly said
I have a narc ex, and it took me years to recover myself. Its hell and so toxic.. Your identity becomes their property. So at one point you're not staying so much for love, more so because you're afraid of what happens with yourself if you leave. Identity crisis is what happens, maybe depression, but its always 1000% better and worth it over staying. Im healed now, the scars stay. But i can tell you within a second when im being manipulated by someone, thats human knowledge i learned the hard way. But its the sunny side of a bad experiance; wisdom.
My grandmother gave me the best advice. Trust a man's action not his words. And never date a guy who says he is going to treat you right
Nichole Rubes- GOD bless Nanas!🥰
“I cane to you because these things were upsetting me and I came away feeling like I’m the problem.” THIS!
I like to see the significant increase in spreading narcissist awareness. I married a covert passive aggressive one and was together for 22 years and had no idea of the covert insidious psychological and emotional abuse I was enduring. He never raised his voice, never laid a hand on me. He camouflaged cognitive empathy for emotional empathy and I projected my own empathy onto his manipulative behaviors. I became aware of how I enabled the abuse and wish I would’ve known about this in my late teens.
I was with the exact same type for 10 years.
Its disappointing how full comprehension is only attained by those who have experienced it first hand. That's how incredibly insidious narcissistic behaviour can be. May those affected have the wisdom & discernment to choose healthy sustainable loving partnerships, friendships and most importantly live a self honoring self respecting and self fulfilling life ☯ Peace ☮ Love ☯ Harmony & Abundant Blessings ✨💙✨
Married 20 yrs now and I get it.
I did too. They way you were able to communicate your experience was profound! Thanks for sharing. The ones that don't outwardly or consistently abuse you are really the most dangerous.
I find the continual e plantations sooo confusing!
We could apply these issues to anyone, and never have a partner at all.
I think tuning in to how you physically feel in the presence of someone is an excellent barometer of what is going on for you. During love bombing stage I felt nauseous in my person’s presence. Had a constant feeling that something was off, but couldn’t understand why I felt this way. It was a gut feeling ‘something is not right’. But a narcissist has a profound ability to make you doubt yourself. Eventually after 4 months, I had a strong need for some space to just think. As soon as I decided this, I was bombarded with text messages, even a threat that they would end their life. Very scary time. I cut all communication with them & they still found a way to contact me. Total nutter. I TG that I had enough self awareness to know THEY were very unstable. I hope to never ever meet this personality type again.
Exactly.
However that requires that one is in a balanced, open, flowing state, in tune with their body & can discern their energy from someone elses.
In my last relationship I was already completely traumatized when we met. Therefore it was a mess and I second-guessed myself.
I felt uneasy in the presence of him right from the beginning, but didn´t trust it for multiple reasons:
1) I was anyway in anxiety and very confused to begin with
2) I felt very quickly that we had known each other from past/parallel lives (might sound weird for some people, but I know this to be true), and there was a lot between us "in the field" that seemed to not relate to the present
3) I had parallel perception (his heart was so lovely and at the same time I felt he is defensive, hiding a lot and something told me to beware)
4) I intellectualized then that I might perceive wrong
@@butterfly4537 some are very secretive. Mine was. There are several subtypes and many cluster b personality disorders overlap. I often thought mine had some borderline in him.
The cluster b personality disorders do overlap. Borderlines usually talk or threaten suicide. I think my ex narc boyfriend had some borderline traits as well.
I always thought it was me. He always said I was the problem. I was a very emotionally stable person but I had this overly and not natural level of empathy. Maybe saying I am emotionally stable and overly empathic is an oxymoron. Even as a child I would watch where I walked as to not step on an ant and essentially kill it. I remember asking my whole family could they pls look where they are walking. I would feel so much pain if I saw anything being hurt. Idk maybe I am the problem, maybe i am too sympathetic. This man said I was crazy to the point, I actually believed him. He had so many other girls that my heart was dying. We were messaging one night and it got to the point, I just wanting the pain to stop. I told him I feel like doing something to myself… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, i believed him when he continually told me that I am a bad person. He texted back… do it! Go on do it! I never replied and he never text back until five hours later saying… don’t do it. I knew at that point, he didn’t care about me
Experiences like this show you who you truly are. You were a beautiful soul that was taken for granted & abused. What you have to offer is a rare thing & you must protect yourself with personal boundaries. This is not an easy thing to do, especially for Super Empaths like you. But truth be told there are people out there that will do you harm & do it willingly because of their own conditioning and issues. You have to be discerning & protect yourself. Sending you a big virtual hug. Stay strong 💪 ❤
I had an ex that would turn every problem we had into a 'you are crazy' thing. Even when I caught him on dating apps talking to other women and confronted him, he said he just wanted to make more lady friends and said i was crazy when I told him he shouldn't. Most toxic relationship ever, he made me feel like trash. All the while I was watching Matthew's videos and they gave me the strength to walk away.
Matt, you are, to me, wiser than Gandhi 💋
Went through the same and he was allways screeming, gaslight and I told him about, I can not anymore, I was every week sick and took Antibiotika, and stomac reflux... he gave me silent tratament and Argumente when I adressed the issue, to resolve, no Chance. 😮 he told me no men want to stay with me and I am toxic and I didn't work at myself, and I am using him. He has no Job, no money, not even love 😮 what happen to me??? So resonate Matt, Thank You 🎉
This video really opened up my eyes to so many red flags in my relationship. The main one that hit home for me was when he mentioned that narcs make you feel crazy for expressing your feelings and I actually was starting to feel guilty about it. Once that started happening, I knew it was time to get out.
Yes, they have very little empathy so can’t deal with any “feelings” talk and if it is directed toward their behavior or something they did….they will gaslight you so they don’t have to take any responsibility.
That's when I started to realize something wasn't right when my ex husband and my family members were making me feel horrible and then I would go out in the world and everybody would tell me how amazing and sweet I was so I just recently got a divorce and I cut off my entire family and I've never felt so Good
Correct its dangerous you start beliving what they say of you
Growing up in a narc family makes one think it's normal. Then other people who come into our life repeat the pattern.
Edit: hit enter before I was ready. I'm glad you got out. The next step is figuring out how to avoid getting into another similar relationship.
Good for you! 👏
The one thing that really got to me was my daughter. I was almost suicidal and I thought how she would feel if I were gone and what would I tell her if she were in the same situation. Now I'm separated and she is here visiting for Christmas. My kids have said now that they are so relieved I'm ok now and away from him.
I was watching this by chance on Christmas eve, wondering about life (how I had a toxic narcissistic parent who never made Christmas a pleasant event and how I fell for someone who harshly mistreated me). I needed to hear this, to get some reassurance I am doing the right thing by moving my life elsewhere. Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Good Luck for the future.x
I understand completely. Praying for you and sending love your way. 🤟🏾❤
Massively difficult, painful work you're undergoing, but so worth it! You aren't responsible for what you experienced as a child, but how you choose to allow it to impact you as an adult is completely your responsibility. What is not, and never was, your responsibility is how others choose to feel about you. For me, this was incredibly hard to incorporate into my thinking, but it's so true. Your plain, reasonable boundaries will be earth shattering to those who have held the power in your relationships. They will react poorly; anticipate it and call them out for trying to guilt, bully, or bargain their way past your boundary. "If you continue to yell/name-call/try to guilt me, this conversation will be over. We can talk when you're able to be respectful." Then hang up or walk out the moment they misbehave. It takes commitment and a willingness to suffer their backlash, but they get the message. Sadly, you may find yourself being the subject of character assassination, gossip, being left off the family vacation or holiday plans, but that's about them, not you. Consider the source of their petty actions, and make your world a positive, loving, supportive one, even if it's just you for a time.
Yes, it can be really tough when a parent is the tantrum child in the family... It is hard to let that person go and release, but it is essential for one's own good health, peace of mind and joy.
Much love 💕 healing is possible 💞 and there are good people who are working on themselves and healing themselves. Xxx
That’s the key issue you have to *BE PRESENT* in the moment of what’s happening now and not what they promise it will be, or what they promised they will do etc. Narcs are evil bastards. They’ll waste years and years of your life if you let them!
We had LDR ending 12.31.21. Communication was so horrible 😪 I could tell he was "sufficiently obligated."
I think at this point I'm just perpetually screwed up. When you come from a toxic, chaotic family, naturally you're drawn to other relationships that sort of mimic what you grew up with (even if what you desire is more stability and safety).
I notice everything, but I wonder if I see problems in safe people (or at least people that seem generally safe) that aren't actually there because I'm so used to there being issues or problems (no matter the kind of relationship it is. Friend, lover, family, etc).
I feel like I'm just the toxic one now and am constantly questioning how/if I'm destroying a relationship or a person in my life because of anxiety, or fear of abandonment, or this need to protect myself.
I don't know how to have healthy relationships and just want to be left alone. The constant fear and exhaustion has completely taken over my life at this point.
You are so not alone, you have a unique take on life & that is so valuable. Find counseling. If privacy is an issue, get over the phone counseling.
literally same. you're not alone.
I understand you
I hear you 💚
I felt that.
I'd rather be alone than ever date someone who makes me miserable. It took a lot of bad relationships to realise this. Cheaters and those with learned narc behaviours. I am happy with my own company.
This is one of my favorites! Thank you both. I feel like you’re telling my life story. The part about it being hard to accept someone treating you nice really hit home. I’ve been out of a very unhealthy relationship for 7 years. I really had to work on my thinking around how I deserved and wanted to be treated. The journey of healing has been beautiful and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I would rather be single forever than end up in another relationship like the one I got out of! Thanks for helping so many with your videos!
Hi Sheri thankyou for sharing. I also got out of a 3yo relationship with a narc. I'm finding my way up now and your comment really hit me.
This is so true. It can be hard to see this sometimes when you’re in the middle of these relationships. And there can be times (such as the love bombing times) when it does feel like magic being with the narcissist. When you finally come out of it you almost need to relearn what a normal relationship feels like again. To not be lied to and to be treated nicely and with respect.
“We are just alone on that boat with that toxicity, with that poison, and we become more and more divorced how wrong it is…and the people that love you wonder how you put up with this.” Spot on and I’m still having to “relearn” how I should be treated.
Are you ?
@@galaxy-lsm2197 Yes. Single since Last June. Not too long, but just focusing on loving who I am and not feel sorry about who I was created to be.
i was contemplating and praying bout this for a long time, i don't easily see someones selfish tendencies too, i don't see how i become codependent to try and solve their emotions, and i also don't see how i can be selfish too sometimes, after a long wrestle :) there's one verse that i now see different when Jesus said 'love your neighbors as you love yourself
directly it could also mean love others not less or more than yourself
if we love them less we become selfish, if we love them more we become codependent,
i think that balance is so beautiful and healthy, and I pray we all get to experience that, Loving God above all opens to wisdom that is so beneficial in our lives,
just want to share, i wish us all a wonderful and blessed relationship.
@@jcarreon9248 how are you doing today?
@@leahracquelGibson Wow I needed to hear that! Same! I'm becoming and manifesting the person I was before i met her and making sure that I watch for red flags in the future. I feel like before dating people need to know about this stuff and that being yourself should be hot not bad and your partner tryna change you to someone they like more.
This video hit a nerve with me. I was crying when you said you start feeling ashamed to tell people anything about your relationship. That's exactly how I feel at the moment. Made me think I am getting too isolated from people. I have been wanting to end my relationship for a while now because it makes me feel terrible all the time... I sleep bad, I am constantly questioning things, I am thinking all the time (worrying...) Everytime I think this time I 've really had enough he starts being nice, sweet and caring... But that doesn't last long... Because he constantly makes me feel like it's me that is sabotaging the relationship, he knows how to play on my feelings/sensitivities. He has a way with words. He uses logic on me... Ok maybe his logic, but it does resonate with me. I just don't know how to end it, cause it feels like he knows just what to say to reel me back in. All of my family and friends say to leave him because I am not myself anymore. I feel it as well. But I don't know how to end it... I need help I guess!!!
Sometimes, mostly, it's best not to share with anyone.... People will just take advantage of you if they hear you settled. Gore move on and be better on your own❤️
I had to leave when they weren't home, I packed everything I could cram Into the car. I felt terrible. I still do. Its been 5 months and not a day has gone by where he hasn't tried to contact me and drag it out. But getting out if the house was the critical and most empowering step
@Rianne Louwes
Don't overthink it - he is making you do that. You already know this relationship is the wrong place for you & that you deserve someone who listens to you, cares for you & your feelings, nurtures & celebrates you. I've been there. I left my cover narc husband at the age of 59yrs. It took planning and every ounce of resolve I possessed. I was lucky and had (a lovely, non-narc!) family to stay with & help me recover. It sounds like you need to just take that huge step away. I have never regretted leaving. I wish you good judgement and future peace & happiness. ❤
My BF says it's not working because I don't want it to work and he's trying his best but can't reach me... This is after he cheats, lies and deceives.
I can relate and they ended the r.s for me.. and i ended up hurting. It is a struggle but i try my besst to look at it as a blessing..
Actions speak louder than words
That last part is so true. I've been with my new partner for a year now and he is kind and understanding and genuinely cares and it is so insanely hard. My brain has connected feelings of safety and love to danger, so I panic when I feel loved now. At the same time I am just not used to someone actually caring and continuously doubt what is happening. I have learnt for so long that passionate love hurts and that men are not emotionally mature enough to be an equal partner in a relationship. Trying to have a healthy relationship now is a lot of hard work, but I push through and hope it will eventually get easier.
I can imagine, been there 😢🙄
How you decide to trust your new partner while you are panic and continuosly doubt at first?
@@vesadeka for me it was a combination of conscious effort, constantly reminding myself that all is good, rationally checking if I truly had any reason to be worried and reassuring myself that 1. He didn't exhibit any worrying behaviours and 2. I was a stronger person now who wouldn't break as easily. And the second thing that helped was him being this kind, gentle, calm person who was incredibly consistent in his behaviour.
@@NeverLoveNiila thank you for your sharing.. how long do you conclude that his act of kind, gentle, and calm are consistently and not love bombing?
@@vesadeka this is a difficult topic and I can only speak for myself and from my very personal experience. With this particular man it only took me about two months to conclude he meant it, but that was particular to him. 1. He was not the love bombing type. He was not a flashy personality and sincere and shy by nature and consistent in his actions. 2. I trusted myself to know that. And I personally am only scared of the narcissists that are flashy and charismatic which wasn't him
When I was still with my narc ex, I started reaching out for new friends, started looking up to friends that are professionals and that's what opened my eyes and helped me change and want to pull myself out of the hellish nightmare I was living in.
Lol
I can relate to reaching out to my friends when my ex was being verbally & emotionally abusive, they didn't think he was a great guy & that I shouldn't had to put up with the way he treated me . It wasn't til we broke up I finally saw what they were talking about it / why they didn't like him & I booted him out of my life for good .
He was longer "in love" with me.
I was a fat ass, he said.
Well I wasn't until I had our beautiful dsughter.
@@joysynmonds9082 mine always called me old, lazy, and fat at the end. But I did an ED spell on him and my cat plays with the ribbon lmao 🤣😂😂
Thanks. I’m going to try this. I feel so stuck right now 😞
Was in a situationship with a younger man who is a Narcissist.
Suffered anxiety and self doubt for 15 months.
Out of the blue met an older man who treats me like a queen.
Goodbye Mr.Narc and all the toxicity and lies.
This was my marriage. It was a mind warp and so hard to see the truth. Now I am almost divorced and have an incredible boyfriend who is the complete opposite. I still can't wrap my mind around someone actually loving me and being a safe sane person. I've walked through lots of healing before him, but being in this relationship brings a whole level of healing that I couldn't have experienced without being loved well. It's the most beautiful thing to have a relationship full of intellectual conversation, emotional intelligence, and vulnerability that is reciprocated. It is uncomfortable sometimes, but I tell myself truth in those moments and push past that feeling and choose to stay open and he's always there to meet me with kindness and gentleness. It's incredible to find someone who sees me and hears me and loves me still.
Awe I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are so lucky!
I wonder so many time wha it must be like to be with someone who SEES me, appreciates me as a PERSON. How do I leave? No finances. And I’m dependant. I’m so lonely inside.
@@kathymyers7279 Don't despair - can you get a job? Do you have a friend or family you can live with whilst getting back on your feet? Try speaking to Time to Talk, visit your doctor for referrals to other places for sensible, practical advice. Plan carefully, as in my experience, I was up against lots of resistance when I was planning to leave and you need to be strong. You can do it - and have a better life.❤
I love Matthew’s videos and am grateful for all the things I have learned from him to strengthen my relationships - but have to wonder who are all these people who get treated “normally”? Between narcissists, liars, emotionally immature, and mentally unstable/ill men out there I don’t know who is left. Every time I am convinced I can “exhale” and trust someone, the other shoe drops and their true character comes out. Luckily, this has often happened sooner than later but it’s destructive none the less. It would be great to see a video on what a “normal” healthy man interested man looks like - because they all seem to be using good women with very little regard for the consequences.
I agree it would be good to see
Beautifully conveyed.
I hear you. I found much value in learning how to work with male gender through empowered wife as well as Beyond Mars and Venus and other insights that says when men feel disrespected they will behave poorly and in ego without empathy. Men are not women. Any trauma history can cause some dysfunction to iron out as long as two are committed to creating a healthy relationship. Many of us don’t learn or have modeled a healthy loving relationship with the opposite sex. This is vital for any turn around. So much is sharing what’s wrong but not how to repair and get it right.
I cannot thank you enough for this. Your words resonated with very deeply and admittedly, I’ve been watching A LOT of content about getting out of a narc relationship. I think I’m at my breaking point after 16 years and need help accepting the REALITY of the situation at hand. Thank you so very much for bringing such clarity to these complex and nightmarish situations. ❤
I want to add on thing... not only do we have to relearn what good behavior looks and feels like, we have to relearn to actually be attracted to it. We have to find out how to have THAT kind of behavior create sparks in us. Our twisted version of love becomes the version we got from the narc - so we either keep going back to the narc, or we are unconsciously attracted to another one! We have to re-train our brain and our hearts to love what is good for us vs what is bad for us. It is like replacing heroine with green juice drinks...if I can make an analogy.
Starting at the 10:25 mark, what you said about feeling ashamed around friends who came to your rescue opened my eyes and gave me goosebumps. Because that is exactly why I had been starting to hide the fact that I was secretly meeting up with my on and off again narcissist girlfriend. It was because I felt shame around my friends who had told me I shouldn't be putting up with it, that I just stopped talking to them about it or I would lie about going to visit and be with her. Thank you so much for that one piece of this video. I was able to show it to my friends and help them understand how I was truly feeling and what was going on in my head when I would do that.
This is me during a separation from my wife . As soon as we are done with the passion, she starts with all the money needs and asking for things and telling me to cancel the divorce..etc
I do thst too
I feel you
You are right, what they say does not matter.
If a person cheats on you and betrays you, that person is living a lie. If you try to ask them a simple question, like "What do you really want?" they will be triggered and react with projection and rage.
I burst out crying at this I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Being an empathetic person I have been so lost for so long. Consumed by the narc thinking I am crazy
Me too
You aren’t crazy. They are manipulators and are gaslighting you to make you believe this because they don’t want to face up to the truth or the issue you are addressing. Praying for your safety and release.
Addicts also exhibit a lot of the same behaviors: immaturity, irresponsibility, low empathy, usery/taking advantage of, gaslighting, etc......not necessarily addicted to drugs either. Just throwing out an FYI. Not saying the prognosis is much better.
Nice example! Great barometer. Spot-on with the how shame erodes a person from the inside out.
I figured out/learned why we return for the same. A. We have poor boundaries/self-love so we don't reject when we see a bad sign b. We take bad signs as good signs - bad ppl are all too happy to pretend to be what you want them to be, and we're needy for love and validation, so they love bomb, initially. So while a healthy person might view it as a red flag that someone is showing inappropriate levels of affection too fast, we see it as Prince Charming. Solution for all of this is to start focusing on you - learn to guide your actions by what you think and feel, that will build self trust and love, which will give you better judgement. Important to realize 'bad' people are broken, like us. We both idealize the others refuse to see reality. They just get mad and mean about it :)
This is so true... Question is though, how does one go about starting to do that when you've been manipulated into feeling that about yourself and I guess before to for so so long??
I completely agree! I now don't know how to accept a Normal and equal effort kind of relationship with someone interested in me , that relationship I now feel was so narcissistic that it has blurred the image of what a genuine person could be like, I completely adore you as a great relationship coach
What if the narcissist after gaslighting ends up feeling like a victim how youve described here? He drives the womam mad to the point the relationship becomes toxic and it all becomes blurry who is wrong
Lol of course they do. That has nothing to with you. Tell yourself that's their life, this is mine. Listen to your feelings, write them out, as well as what's right and wrong. Overrides the coding, codependency, spell, whatever you want to to call it.
One of the narcs traits is considering themselves a victim. You cannot change that in them. They cannot be changed.
Actions speak louder than words.
I wish I knew this earlier. I was with one for 8 years and finally, I got myself together and left him. 2021 has been a successful year of recovery and I will continue to heal myself and be cautious in future. I almost married him and I'm glad that I didn't.
My experience was that when I told my friends about my negative experiences from a toxic relationship, by questioning my feelings and challenging my experiences with exceptions, they made me doubt my intuitions and I further continued the toxic relationship for more time .
15 years. 2 beautiful children. In the end, I don't know who was the narcissist in our relationship. Probably the two of us. We turned each other into narcicists until we got on the edge of insanity.
I could not bring myself to leave him and neither could he.
Finally, he met someone else, someone good for him, someone with whom he learned to love again. Someone who made him let me go. He freed me. But now I am so afraid of loving again. So scared of turning someone else into a monster. So afraid of hurting someone that much. So afraid of being bullied again. And there's this feeling of deep guilt..
Anyway I am on my own now and I am free at last and that is all that matters for the moment.
Thank you so much for putting words on what I used to live: the unspeakable truth. It's like you spread a healing ointment on my wounds and filled me with understanding. 🙏
I had already come to terms with all of this, but to hear it spoken by someone else, was somehow cathartic. Thank you both!
Hi I'm dave, do you mind me sending you a message I do love to talk to you
I'm listening to this almost tearing up Matt, because I just got out of a relationship, not with a narcassit (because I've seen what narcasissts really do. I've been there) but it was a relationship with someone with "those tendencies". And I absolutely love and respect how you made that distinction and acknowledged this pattern. You do not have to be with a narcasist to come out bruised on some levels. Sometimes it's their tendencies that really take you to that dark place of shame in the relationship. And in one of your videos you said that we all have narcassitic traits in ways. This is also another great distinction. We all really do, and I think it's great to always draw a line between these 3 different cases and understand how they can look different and affect you, the receiving partner, differently.
I attract narcissistic person if you’re high intuitive person you see the pattern clearly. The run for your life.period
Appreciate you doing a video on such an important topic, Matthew. Your videos reach a large audience so I’m glad you are promoting this information so people are aware these types of personality disorders exist and can be dangerous.
For me, it’s simple - love bombing and mirroring and important red flags to avoid. Moving quickly could mean that ur with a narc too.
How to vet them? Maintain BOUNDARIES and enforce them immediately, and have SELF RESPECT. Those are repellants for narcs; they only want people they can control, use and abuse In the end. Don’t tell them everything. “What are you looking for in a partner?” You say: “I’ll know it when I see it.” Don’t give away too much, wait and let them prove themselves to you. That works for everyone, hence the need to date before getting serious or getting hitched.
OMG you r soooo right ...they study you and project themself what you want ...by love bombing and sometimes they use this information against you ...don't share everything until they'll gain you intrest
I always communicated my boundaries in the beginning and he always accepted it. He still turned out this way after a bit over a year.
So true. 'We know deep down we're making excuses.' And yes. I also stopped telling my friends the 'situation' I was still in because I was ashamed. The so called relationship has ended months ago, but I thought and hoped we'll make our way back...but...yes...Deep down I knew there was something off...he was using me and I was too afraid to see. Every time I was moving forward he pulled me back to his darkness with 'promisses and roses'. Now he has another one, right next to his door. How convinient. And thanks to you two and your wonderfull input I know I will find my strength again. Thank you so much.
Staying up late, I happened upon this while seeking clarity after guests left yesterday. Believing there are no coincidences, I absolutely needed to hear this profound Simple Test tonight in NZ - thank you Matthew so so much. You described my life, the shame, the isolation especially from my 3 adult children, and despair I have felt living with a covert narcissist and an alcoholic 15 yrs, & I had almost believed I couldn’t survive on my own until now - the reality is, of course I can, and deserve to be among respectful people! Over Christmas’22, I have politely endured being gaslight by the 75 yo female of the couple we graciously hosted from USA for the past 6 days. I also agonisingly witnessing her husband dutifully tolerating her constant put-downs, demands, ugly need to control us all with her rigid routines, and the need to be right, plus eye rolling when she disagreed with what I said. I felt trapped and very wounded, recognising the narcissistic behaviour, which had escalated since our last meeting 3 years ago. I am the empath and a perfect target. My partner also gaslight me for being too upset and trivialised things- 2 narcissists in house was complete overwhelm! Of course HE wasn’t the target! At 64, I have tonight decided to give the tenants in my house 3 month’s notice, and I now plan to move in, along with the dog, March ‘23. I will work out how to manage this quietly and slowly,& how to finance the mortgage, in the meantime. It’s a decision I was procrastinating about as have doubted my ability until now. What a NY’s resolution - one that I will accomplish for a change - 😆 XXX❤
+@clairewalker9796 ,when you have been married to the narc you mentioned, like when yall would get into a small disagreement or like if you asked a simple yes or no question would he say things like "how would you not know that?Good thing you have me or you wouldn't make it in this world?" Or like "how stupid can you be?It's easy simple how can you not know that?Dumb ass?.Or like talk to you like you are a dumb child that needed a lecture?And everyday call you stupid or dumb?
Well, did you ? ❤
I hope you did. I’m rallying for you x
Hello, I'm an Aucklander! Congratulations on your life altering decision and I wish for you the best.
I'm a 29 year old woman. I work in healthcare and assist in saving lives.
When I was 18 I got pregnant while on vacation in Argentina. I'm half Argentinean and half USA American.
My daughter lives with her father and I have a lawyer working on getting her visitation to the USA approved.
It's taboo for me to be in USA while she is in Argentina and I know people justify wanting to break my heart when they covet the man I am intimate with. I also notice he has struggled with it too. Except I can't undo getting pregnant on accident. Killing her was/is out of the question.
I still want to be loved, still want to be respected, still want to be in a healthy relationship.
Except, I wonder if the man I am intimate with is a narcissist or crabby. If he handles the shame and guilt I feel by calling me a dumb count. By calling me names and picking on little things.
Ex. A single strand of hair got in the sink and they got mad and started yelling.
Ex2. I needed toilet paper in the second bathroom and they went off on how they have to everything by themselves.
It's sad because I might have lost age 21 and so on.
I keep wondering if I get love bombed or if they are struggling with my situation and problems.
"Seeking happiness is often not comfortable because it means seeking the unknown..." This bit at the end was true gold. Really helped me today. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Not only do they invalidate your feelings, they try to make you feel like the concern you bring up is actually your problem, and not theirs. For example, there was a very serious and important question I had for her (when I started to catch on to her antics). She refused to answer my question and danced around for 30-45 minutes, avoiding it. And then she said, “why do you have to make this conversation last so long?!”
I was told “you talk too much” when I tried to resolve an issue..
And that I was “too professional”when I asked him what was the plans and expectations if we moved in together
He said I was treating the relationship like a business
But as a mother I can’t just move in with someone without knowing what I’m getting into and I thought it was too fast…
Same thing happened here man; I asked her if she could provide more energy into the relationship cus i started feeling like I wasn't good enough due to her lack of reciprocation. I told her this reminded me of the relationship i had with my parents in my childhood, which traumatized me big time.
I kid u not, she replied to this with: "Don't throw your trauma on me!!" And "Why do you have control issues?"
Still struggling with it 3 years later, cus I made it a reality
My goodness!!! The clarity with which you articulated this mental health pandemic of our times is brilliant and unparalleled. Thank you Matthew 🙏❤️
This is true. We need to have our deep inner confidence in order not to fall prey to toxic abusers. The comparison of how we feel around good, sane and safe people is a great barometer to show us how different it can be in the presence of narcisistic predators. Thank you for this brilliant conversation. We need to return to sanity. ❤
It makes me so happy and humble that you addressed this aspect in such detail and so carefully. This is exactly the phase I am in right now. Looking back and trying to check if that person genuinely has narcissistic tendendcies and thanks to the barometer you explained, it makes so much sense now and yet so hard to admit...He is a has covert narc tendencies which showed up for the very first time 7 years into our relationship. 7 years!!! If it was not for the one serious argument we had, it would have never came out to light. I am still absorbing all this and I dont think he will ever change, which means i will have to face that single reality and the uncertaintly of the future. You were absolutely right to point living the abnormal, the abusive twists our perception of what is healthy and what is not. Suddenly, feeling kindness and acceptance feels abnormal and creates the feeling of discomfort. How destructive is this...! Thank you so much guys for taking the time to discuss this topic. God bless you!
If it showed up once then it's not narcissistic. To be a narcissist it has to be pervasive. Narcissistic tendencies arise in all of us when we are being defensive/insecure or if we picked it up from someone else but unless it's pervasive then it means you can resolve your conflict through communication. Because we all hurt people when we are hurt or angry. I am just giving you an alternative perspective. Do reflect on their past behaviour. And also observe if this new "pattern" is becoming pervasive and abnormal then you'll know.
Having said that if someone is toxic and continue to behave so even after pointing it out then it's better to leave and save your mental health narcissist or not. Inability to reflect and change or even acknowledge the bad behaviour is just emotional immaturity.
I absolutely agree what Priya said to you. Check the "Queen code" from Alison Armstrong. She gives advised how to bring the best in men because we can triggered some staff and we both can be mean, men and women but it doesn't mean all are narcissists.
I've been trying to learn why I was with someone like that, how I let myself get into that type of situation so I never give up my power like that again
How did you know you were in that kind of relationship?
@@Jadenmic I started looking up relationship red flags and when the word narcissist kept popping up I researched it. Not only was I married to one but his dad and dad's girlfriend are also narcs so I was in hell. I also joined Facebook groups for victims of narcissistic abuse.
I have been following you since I was 16 (I'm 25 now) and I have not come across a video of yours thats not relatable. It really shows how genuine and Caring you really are! Love seeing your channel grow 🥰💕
Did you find love? Or at least have better relationships as a result of watching Matthew's videos? I've been watching them for 6 months after discovering recently and wish I'd found them a whole lot sooner! 💗
You are so wise!!! You hit every single feeling, experience, point in a general but detailed way. Love your videos!! Thank you
If you had a parent who is narcissistic (and the other parent is codependent) you are vulnerable for getting involved in relationships with narcissists. Its a painful experience but truly transformative if you are willing to do the deep dive. But prevention is key, so I truly wish this topic will be part of the schools curriculum one day!
I was with a bipolar narcissist for 6 years and ended up alienating family and friends because I was ashamed and didn't want to talk about my life. You are 100% right. Now I'm finally working on being me again and honestly you guys have really helped motivate me to set boundaries and put me first for once. Thank you!
Wow. I don’t know how you survived that but I am glad you did. It’s tough.
@@windysmith7367 Thank you, I am not sure either lol! Humans can be resilient especially if we put in the work to heal.
How did it express itself? Can you give some examples
Dang. This is what I'm going through now. I left him, Aug 14th, after 32 years. It was a Narcissistic relationship. I'm going through this now 😪
Wow...30yrs for me
*If your partner has narcissistic behaviours, discuss as early on as possible.. If they continue then LEAVE ❌*
*Too many examples of the individual doing that and NEVER changing their behaviour.. you deserve better* 🙏
I didn't know what narcissistic behaviors.
I thought I was one who had to accept his behavior because he was smarter than me.
I thought he would love me more if I behave as he told me.
It took me 4 years to realize that I was in toxic relationship even though my friends and family warned me.
@@chinmiyi390 Same, here for you, Just gotta take away the positives, smiles, and knowledge moving forward
@@GTGinley7
Thank you.
@@chinmiyi390 Moving forward I'm really gonna trust my friends and family's view of my girlfriend more because I want a happy wedding and life together for everyone. Everyone needs to get along and my friends and Family want me to have my best life and arnt blinded by the love and manipulation so their judgement is very valuable :)
Matthew is so on point about the healthy and loving relationship just feeling uncomfortable and scary after you’ve been treated like crap for years by someone you loved deeply yet it felt oh so familiar…
Been there not a good thing.
I recently packed my weekend bag and told my husband: I need to see my sister. I hadn’t seen her in 2 years for reasons that were mainly settled in my husband‘s opinion of her and her actions. So I went away for a weekend (which I had never done every since we moved in together) and it felt like coming up from a deep dive. Finally I was able to breath and not hold my breath anymore. Finally I could say and do the things I felt I needed without constantly being criticized. It’s so easy to get pulled into a toxic relationship dynamic over time. Last year I abandoned most of the people who told me to get divorced because I felt like I needed to make a choice and „of course“ as a wife you have to identify with everything your husband says, thinks and does - right? I‘m glad I finally had the courage to do the uncomfortable thing.
It's one of the reasons I spend more time with my mother rather than my father. When I'm with my mother I feel heard and supported, cared for. When I'm with my father I usually feel wretched. He constantly makes me feel like my life is not good enough, I'm not good enough, and that it's never going to get any better. It was hard for me to tell him this and it didn't change our relationship much but it changed me. Taking that step to tell him lightened my mind a lot.
Matthew and Stephen thank you so much for this! I don’t know if my “friend “ is a narcissist. But this video turned my perspective around on how I feel when I’m around him. I accepted being in the friend zone. I opened up to him frequently about how I’m trying to change my feelings and struggling but he would never say anything. We just went away together and finished a marathon. Spending a week with him in paradise I realized how anxious I’ve been around him and how I really felt bad about myself. I told him it was a great time to part ways. Not as excruciating as I thought. I told him everything I wanted to and left it on our vacation. I felt a freedom I hadn’t felt in a long time. No anger or blame. We communicate differently and I told him I’m not going to settle. Your latest videos guided me to making the right decision for me. Thank you so much!
Hi I'm dave, do youonde sending you message I do love to talk to you
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Never share vulnerability to soon ..infact you don't have to share it with any person except a trained physchologist.... let your friends show you of they can be trusted. Earn your trust. Otherwise, these types of people will take advantage of your weaknesses and use it for their gain. There isn't a need to discuss your previous challenges. You got this on your own
You are correct...I experience this and it went for many years...I could no create...I am an artist and my self steam was going down. Now that we are not together I have became very productive and creative and positive about my life. I feel more happy by myself.
Thank you for all of your really insightful videos, Matthew and Stephen. It has taken me years to understand the dynamics in my relationships that would leave me feeling confused and unsettled. I had to cut throught all of the romanticizing I did about my partner and see them as they really are, which, in some cases, was narcissistic. I am someone who has worked with battered women and could see the narcissicm in their partners' behaviors really clearly, but was in a fog about the emotional abuse in my own romantic relationships. I grew up with narcissistic parents, so it was really hard to break the pattern of trying to please the narcissist. But I'm nearly 50 and I finally feel free. I can spot the love-bombing, gaslighting, the bad-mouthing of others to make the self feel more important, and the ego fragility of the narcissist right from the start of any romantic connection, and I run from that back toward my sanity, Cheers everyone!
Hi how do you find out very early in dating somebody they are going to be like this I’m still learning I’ve had a bad childhood and I’m getting better but I keep making the same patterns when I meet somebody like getting them to do things for me then I get annoyed then they seem to be overwhelming to much like a new man said I can do that in your house and this and that then I start to feel overwhelmed and feel trap then I think why did I do that because I know I can do most of those things myself etc or I talk about the future knowing I’m not sure about the future as it’s early days I can see the patterns but I seem to keep doing them and it’s so annoying because I want to take things slow that’s how I am but I seem to talk to much to early is it’s because I’m people pleasing because what happens is the person gets very involved very quick then I get frightened of this and finish it as it’s to much I’m not ready for that x
Well spoken!
@@teresareid5034 You must be friends first, you must share secrets one at a time back and forth, share equal amounts of info, match their energy, if they don't like the effort you give then they don't like being treated how they treat people and are selfish and going to be doing that in the future and hurting you. Just take things really slow. That's the best way. And ask your friends what they think of your crush cuz they arent blinded by love and the things that you like them for, they see the real person... for who they are to people they are not trying to manipulate...
@@GTGinley7 brilliant advice thank you so much ❤️🙏🏻
I started dating my former boyfriend just as covid struck and the world closed down. Friends couldn't get together, nor family. My church closed its doors! He and I were in it alone.
He talked me into letting him move in with me, and once he was settled in and had more money, the serious drinking and bad behavior began. With covid out there, I was stuck with him. It took A LOT OF PERSISTANCE to get him out over a year later. Ten months later he is still trying to come back, despite being blocked, ignored and greyrocked.
Such toxic people have the ability to make you addicted to them. Running into someone 'normal' may seem boring by comparison. How does one learn to detox from this?
The problem here is that narcissists do care A LOT about the image they sell and usually they're "the perfect boyfriend" around your friends and family.
It is extra dangerous because no one believes you when you tell them the problems on the relationship and how you feel. They say "Oh I can't believe he did that, maybe you misunderstood him" etc etc. Because he's so kind and nice and all the good things around them.
I experienced this and I almost lost my mind back then. I started to believe that maybe I'm the problem here and maybe I'm crazy. Because he was the kindest person on earth when speaking to a waiter, or my grandma, but was a totally different person when we're alone.
This is my ex... I would tell his friends I was unhappy and the things he did and they always told me to "talk to him" "maybe he doesnt understand" "he talks about you all the time and tells us how amazing he thinks you are" but I would tell them he is not making me FEEL this way. I asked my ex for quality time, he would scream and shout Im being clingy, needy, asking too much, I should be grateful, he helps with bills, he buys me gifts so I should be grateful. He would shout "if Im that much of a bad fiancee why dont you break up with me?" ... so I did 👍
favorite video ever. Describes so eloquently what a narcissistic abusive relationship is like, and how you become brainwashed and all your patterns of thinking are destroyed, and the only truth that exists is the one they decide about...
Can you please do some videos on love bombing or people that seem to say I love you within weeks of dating x
What if I am the narcissist? What if I don’t want to be, but there are issues, psychological and emotional issues lingering from my past, which don’t enable me to flourish in my relationship with the person I love. I have traits that were mentioned in this video but how can I snap out of them and flourish and be the good man I want to be for the person I love. There is no on and off switch after having been abused through my whole childhood. It’s easy to leave someone but to have gotten in a relationship with a narcissist means there have to be some good traits that make us fall in love with such person.
It's great you have that self awareness and insight and want to be a better person. Psychotherapy can help, especially if you find a therapist that is a good fit for you.
Thank you Matthew! This video brought so much light and clarity, I’ve written few things down to come back to it whenever my empathy levels will try to turn back time around. I’m leaning into the reality of now and not what’s promised for my reality one day to become. This video is gold ✨
This vid comes in, at a perfect time when I realized everything about my newly established ex and his patterns and Why did I feel exhausted ALL THE TIME. I have to accept for my sake that some people won’t change, just cuz they are being told about their flaws and how they affect the relationship itself. Because in his reality, I was crazy and should’ve been oh so grateful for being able to call him mine. Bullocks.
Initially he isolated me from others by saying they didn’t like me or were flawed in some way. At the end I only had his reflection of me and I felt like a stranger to myself. Being around other people now allows me to see glimpses of my old self. It’s early days but this video is spot on, if you don’t like yourself around this person it is a huge red flag.
What you say about checking one’s response to spending time with someone, is spot-on! This applies to all relationships. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank u for clarity of my situation
You have a unique way to tell a story !!! I was really moved by Oscar Wild’s letter !!! You are so right about toxicity and poison of narcissistic relationship! Thank you Mathew ! You can speak to my heart ❤️
Wow Matthew, this was on point with what I have been experiencing. I do feel shame bc I did stay with him and continued to believe when he said he would change. More than forgiving him for his betrayal, I know I must forgive myself for being so stupid and overlooking the flashing red flags. This has been the most difficult relationship to cut off. I had really believed he was my future husband. I'm so grateful my friend talked me out of marrying him so he could get his visa. Thank you for bringing this to our awareness and may this be significantly helpful for us to truly love ourselves first before loving a narcissist. 💜
Matthew, thanks so much for all of your contents!! Greetings from Italy 🙏🙏
Also, we don’t want to “put upon” our friends and be the Debbie Downer in our friend group, possibly having friends turn away. I’d say keep the gripes limited to a “Narc. Support Group” of like- minded sufferers. And, I might add, sufferers who whether they’re in stay mode or go mode, are focusing on the prize of their own self-worth, maintaining sanity, forward thinking progress, solutions-oriented recovery.
Coercive Control illegalized in England in 2015. Next in Ireland and scotland. It seems odd that mentally disordered individuals are still allowed to abuse other individuals psychologically and get by with it. It is not illegal here in the US whether in family dynamic or in the work dynamic.