I saw a neurologist said to get over someone you should write down all all things that weren't great about them and remind yourself of those. After breakups sometimes we just reminisce the good parts.
i didnt make him important. i was being myself and was excited to be around him, loved his energy. thats all. i was prepared to lose him and when i noticed this pulling away was a pattern, i left- was i scared to lose him? no, i was scared to lose myself because he was not building anything with me.
Same thing happened with me and my guy. Good for you for putting you first. It took me a few tries with other relationships, but this time I got it right too.
I feel like I wrote this except my answer to the question, “was I scared to lose him?” was yes. He and I worked together and formed a friendship. I genuinely loved him as a person and I wanted him in my life forever, even if we only ever remained friends. But he wasn’t opening up to me or letting me in as friends typically do, so I eventually I realized I had to let him go. It was hard and I’ve still been struggling with the loss but I know I did the right thing. He didn’t value me as a friend but I’m so glad I value myself and realized I had to cut ties.
Yes i am alone 9 years and i started trusted him he went quiet … men are so strange. Count who and when tracisz out , everything being 50/50… omg. I was in a hermet mode for 9 years with no one close , no one even giving me a hug or warm word … and suddenly when I allowed myself to feel anything he went quiet 😮 what the hell is a purpose 😮
The most strange thing is WHY so many people are alone these days… maybe we all need to have less screen and reintroduce some more real life activities.
@@bigstanky2037 Then these people have even more reason to not use screens. Socializing is also some kind of trained activity. If you have trouble it means you lacked the training in your past. People that want to change it must force themselves into such situation unless it becomes less awkward. I mean its super hard, I'm not gonna lie, but hiding behind a screen is most definitely not the solution. It makes everything worse, because it makes you believe you have some kind of social life, but its not the real thing.
"Someone's uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value" - that's the key of wisdom in all types of relationships, not only romantic! 👏
Let’s acknowledge that some of us aren’t that good ourselves We r assuming that we r an evolved person here, great partner material Quality people also pull away from those who drain them or simply don’t measure up It’s important we don’t over estimate our own value and continue to build ourselves
Beleiving in your personal value has nothing to do with thinking you don't have anything to improve. Valuable people are actually constantly working to become their better version. On the other hand, not letting someone diminish your personal value is self love, you don't need external acknowledgement to know your worth - that is the message behind his words
What I keep hearing is basically that if you like someone and behave accordingly, it makes you “low value”. So everyone’s walking around suppressing their feelings, playing games and deploying strategies instead of just flowing. No wonder there are so many lonely people and breakups.
Yeah thats what i noticed too. I try to be as truthful as I can with what im thinking. It might be overwhelming for some to receive genuine love/attention. Maybe they think they getting played idk.
@@yukiterumi5756 exactly. I’m literally practicing suppressing my feelings when they pull away and even though I’m craving them I just don’t respond for days just so that they don’t think I’m coming on too strong. This constant game is why I’m still single at 31. There has to be a better solution.
@@octoberboiy Stop playing the game then. Take chances. Say how you feel, if it doesn't work or if they don't care, they are not right for you. Coming on strong in a creepy way is one thing. Not being able to plainly say I miss you is a whole other problem.
This includes friendships and trying to build a friendship with a coworker. If she doesn't want to help you or she says nobody helps each other in our working line, then she isn't a reliable person to begin with even though she tried to befriend you.
Thank you. Sad part of my story is me and my girlfriend are in our 60s You think the games would be over I moved out of state. Into her (house) and when we get into it. And that is because I'm being treated like a punk or a dam pet ie a dog or a cat. I get the old..get out of my house. After she helped me get rid of all my stuff and moved me here. Love why is there always evil mixed in with it?
That would be so perfect if that were completely true but it's not people that are uncertain are uncertain because I've been hurt before and they're scared.
@@jameshurd1328well, yes. So you or whoever is in that position needs to heal and process the things you are feeling with that wound. Because in that position, its hard for you to give the best of you, so to the other person if you cant do that, you are not valuable in the moment.
Love is blind. If someone pulls away because you overvalue them they are not the right person for you. If that person makes you feel anxious, insecure, and does not value you for whatever reason you should be strong and admit that the relationship will not make you happy in the end. I am a loving and caring person and I should not be punished for that. Although I often invest too much too early and devalue myself in the process. My last relationship showed me that. Don't do it folks. It is not worth it if your ex wasn't ready to fight for you. Move on and find someone who truly loves you. Btw my girlfriend left me last week and I am still struggling with it because everything seemed good at first. Last night after watching these videos I thought about it and it made me realize how insecure I was and how that person made me feel. Not valued at all. I am trying to move on and focus on new projects (making music) to improve my self-esteem. We are all in this together my friends. I feel you.
@@ona8938 Same thing except for Facebook 😂😅 we had the best vacation you can imagine 3 weeks ago and then she started to get stressed by everything. Nothing I can do. I didn't even try to save the relationship because it is not worth it. At least it was just 6 months... but it still hurts like hell.
I just stopped playing games completely. I respond when I want to, i'm not doing games anymore and when I had enough, I had enough. I'm being sincere and I told the girl I loved how I felt about her. Reaction was cold as hell. So I just let her go. Most relationships don't last. Most crushes don't last. Most people you will meet won't last in your life. It's better to be honest with yourself, don't play mindgames or don't pretend to be someone you're not. If they go away, let them go. If you communicate and they don't respond and you feel ignored, let them go. I wish yall the best.
It's crazy though! Your a man going through this and I'm women going through the same. I think I gave it enough time. 2 years, several conversations about how it makes me feel being ignored. Yes, you get a gm text everyday but then you last all day to reply all other messages, meanwhile you are online on instagram. You annoyed them with your insecurities, but your insecurities are not about yourself but the relationship. You feel like you made a mistake by blocking them because you had enough, when they find a way around you you pour your heart out and tell them that it's just you assuming that you simply don't want to speak to me, or that I'm bothering you and that I love you so much I don't want to feel annoyed and I don't want to lose you, and they reply with a "you good" four hours later! What you do when you been dating for almost 3 years meet families, are sort of every family meeting, but he has only said I love you two times he was so close to lose me. It's hard but the best is to let go!
Qualities that make someone a great partner: Kindness Empathy Compassion They show up for me They’re reliable They’re consistent They’re a great communicator They’re honest Trustworthy They’re a great teammate They care about my day, and the challenges in my life and want to support me in those
It's all subjective. Because someone thinks you're moving too fast or giving too much of yourself too soon doesn't necessarily mean you are. Some people are scared of their own happiness because they're expecting disappointment, that they end up sabotaging it
Absolutely..after 6 mnths together my boyfriend did this to me....twice! Refusing to give me any good reason...saying im an amazing woman..the best dince his late wife..SO..I walked away from him...upset initially and very hurt.....BUT soooo glad I left...let him sttuggle now to adjust !!!!
I was attracted to him being emotionally available, supportive and kind. He started pulling away, I'm pulling away too. I don't care if I lose him or not, if he wants to stay in the relationship he is welcome to, if not good luck. I'm not going to waste anymore efforts to make it work anymore
Every self deluding woman's motto. He's not worth it, I'm better than him x300! Then you die alone and the married couples all laugh in jubilant celebration that none of their family members got stuck with you as an inlaw.
@@thematthewhussey You are a king of grift. I respect how much money you were willing to fuck everyone else over for, its really impressive... Okay yea its not, but hey at least you're make more than most.
I love being around you, I enjoy your company, but it's not more important than what's right for me. I maybe am attracted to you, but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself. Will remind myself of these precious words everyday ♥
No one that is unwilling to put someone else's needs ahead of their own has experienced epic love. I've had it and it's worth every parcel of effort and every ounce of energy to achieve. Words simply fail to express the enormity of those emotions...and the invaluable contribution that love and mutual support give to an individual. That help one reach that place where one is attempting to seek. Self-absorbtion and the hyper trendy self improvement and awakening movements will NEVER replace the joy of being mated to your beloved.
This is the best relationship advice i have ever received, period. What i learnt from this was to value yourself, dont place others whether its romantic relations or professional relations on a pedistal. Know your self-worth. If people cant see that or arn't willing to put the work in, let them go. Thanks Matthew, great advice mate.👍
100%. I've been in so many situations like this. I wish people would communicate clearly when something goes wrong, because at this point an up front rejection is comforting to me. But you can't expect everyone to uphold the same values. Its gonna be hard to let go. Part of you will scream that you're making a mistake. You're probably gonna feel like you DID make a big mistake after you do. But you will feel so much worse if you let the communication with the person sour even further. If you've done that dance before, you know its true. It'll just be another ugly stain on your memories that ruins your mental health. And eventually you'll be proud of yourself for having self respect. Hell, other people might even respect you more for your self control. How many stories have you heard about friends trying until the relationship became horribly toxic? Be the person who didn't let it get there. Its a similar principle to waking up on time, or cutting back on something you consume too much of. Its never easy. But once you start doing it, it gets easier. It'll be easier to push yourself away from people who aren't good for you the more you do it. Just do it once. Then do it again. Some of the most important actions in life will suck. A lot. But they're the key to preventing you from going through the same crap experiences repeatedly.
Rigth on the money with the advice. I am going to definitely put this into practice. Also I will be putting into practice the let them theory. If they want to leave let them, they don't want you, let them go, etc.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! I tend to put people on a pedestal, to overvalue them and there life and to undervalue myself. But luke you say, I have a lot to give to the right person and that is a gift I should not give to the "next best" person that does not appreciate.
Spot on. I’ve really learnt how to respond in these situations. When he pulls away, I’m a lot less certain about him, which makes them less valuable to me, not more. Logically, if they stop doing the things that made me attracted and connected to them, why would I still want them? That person I thought existed, no longer does. This should make it easy to move on. Not harder. But we sometimes fail to understand that.
We fail to understand that when there's love which causes a mental clash and everything is in reverse. Ultimate solution: NO CONTACT. Cry a little and move on.
Very true. I think for me the dissonance of how they were for so long, the person I felt a trust building with, is what is hard to adjust to. Like it happened so fast and I panicked inside because of (probably) dad issues or insecurity... but on the outside I just felt I was maintaining/clarifying the precedent set in the relationship by BOTH of us. It's completely bewildering when someone changes and even when it's less attractive it's still painful. And I find myself making a fool of myself after the fact (so it feels) because im making more effort, when simply i just felt we both had established something and it was hard to let that go at the drop of a hat when it was so promising.
Sometimes they pull away because you appropriately value them and they aren't used to that. Overvaluing is usually easy to spot and move away from, but when you value someone appropriately it can really throw off their radar and that's why they pull away because they're confused. But yes the solution for you is to still back off but be present with communication but not overly available and don't write too much.
Don't be with someone like this. Just leave right away and don't look back. It's not okay and it's not right for someone to do this to another person. Period. U don't need to worry if you did anything wrong. Don't waste another minute and walk away.
Is not that easy at all, us as humans we always look for answers and explanations we are naturally like that imagine you got arrested but you already know u did nothing wrong ofc you gonna wait for explanations instead of just walking away after they didn't find u guilty.
@@rose7777 glad you're now safe! The abusers will continue to abuse new people in their lives and it has nothing to do with you. Remember that whenever you find yourself analyzing the situation.
Trauma bonds are so weird. You just feel the connection (not even knowing you share similar childhood abuse). As I've worked through my past, I am aware when I feel that connection. But instead of acting on the feelings, I just observe the person and keep really good boundaries. I deserve to be with someone who works through their trauma. I've tried to be in relationships with friends and lovers who don't value working through their trauma and it never works between us.
I think being very self aware and proactive about my healing makes people who don't want to work through their crap uncomfortable. So I've learned to share as little as possible with people until I really get to know them. And even then I only give them a nugget of information and watch how they respond to that. It helps me not get hurt as often anymore.
This is so true. Some people aren’t willing or able to do the work. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve our compassion. But that doesn’t mean they deserve our time.
@@thematthewhussey Absolutely. If our encounter inspires them to shift their mindset about healing - amazing!! But my inner circle are people who share that value. They need to actively practice emotional/mental self-care.
Somewhere I read or heard something like "butterflies are a sign that it's not good. Love shouldn't make you anxious, it shouldn't make you feel wondering if everything you say is right and if they'll text back. Love should feel calm and safe."
Yes! Here is where the low self esteem comes into play. If you don't love yourself enough, then that thought is really foreign. "They must think there is something wrong with me.", "I have to prove to them that I'm not as bad as they think!" And the chase and devaluing yourself begins... I realize now, this is the way I have been thinking, because of my upbringing and history. It's really freeing to know and at the same time, a bit sad also.
I threw my everything at a woman who didn't deserve it and I ended up getting burned. Keep yourself at the top of your priorities and anyone else that sticks around is meant to be. Learning alot about myself through these videos, thank you Matthew!
When it comes to women. All you can do is send a message or ask them to call you and never think or do something for them again unless they contact you. And address the behaviour in the future before starting any kind of relationship with them.
As a woman who just did this very same thing to a man, I can see where that would be very unattractive. I don’t want to be your everything in a week. But, also…I just did that myself. All we can do is learn.
I did this with a guy for 6ish months. When it was good I was addicted but when it wasn't it was like hell. I tried to help him out and we at first put in equal amounts of love, energy and time, then it sort of dwindled from him for IRL stuff. I fought hard for "whatever" we had but I was being ignored/abandoned/not even acknowledged for weeks at a time. I kept going until I got to the point of giving up. I was getting nothing out of it and then he graced me with his "presence" after 2 weeks of non contact and showing me that i wasnt important after all. I decided I couldn't do this any more and I said "I set you free *insert name here* and I walked away. It killed me having to do that cause he was a core part of my world and I wanted him still in it. The occasional "hi hun❤!" when I saw him was not enough, I needed more and everything I felt like I was doing made no difference UNTIL HE NEEDED ME! other wise I was left behind in the rear view mirror.
Phenomenal video. Childhood trauma, fully-controlling, and abusive behavior from my Eastern-grown parents played a huge role in my overvaluing mindset with other people, and an extremely undervaluing mindset with myself. What's worse is that this mindset -- stemming from millions of other Eastern-traditional parents with families -- is molded into children by their gaslighting for years. It took me a failed relationship and solid years away from my parents to learn self-value; unfortunately it was done the hard way. All children deserve loving parents. Not all parents deserve loving children. Neglect of self-love is probably the most detrimental love element to the youth of a child. Unfortunately, some children do not receive this whatsoever. It is unfair, but figuring this love out for myself was the biggest game-changer for my life. You matter.
yh, its something I've got to learn, ngl. I don't think i value myself enough, so i can get quite low for somebody else just so i don't lose them - because for once, with them, i felt like i was worth something. deep shit.
you put it perfectly! I also came from the same eastern European strict upbringing. at 35 Im still rebuilding my confidence, it took a failed relationship to realize that I can be loved and I can give love back.
If the relationship is difficult, it’s not going to last. Things should be easy and smooth. That’s what I had with my late husband. Our relationship was effortless, loving and joyful. We completed each other’s sentences. Our love was once in a lifetime. A love that I will carry with me forever. ❤️🥰💜
I feel 100 times better now!! I just ended things with a guy where he started texting less and less and then not replying and then saying sorry multiple times because of x reason. He even responded with 'if that's how you feel'. LOL. Which cemented my decision even more. Love this video of Matthews that helped me put my energy back into myself and to remind myself how much I have to give. Excited to enjoy the day and love on myself, knowing I will meet my perfect match in due time!
This is happening to me with a friend. She is around less and less and sometimes only texts to say I am sorry for x reason. I am sorry I fell asleep, I am sorry I am working, and so on.
@@Moo.1336 yeah, but it's very common that ppl use these reasons as an excuse bc they don't have the balls to be honest & wanna keep their foot in the door. the same kinda ppl who have enough time to post on social media but then claim they don't have time to respond or reach out. f*** that.
I actually took notes for this one. And I TRULY appreciated the passion in your speech today. I played it over and over so it would sink in. I needed this today!! Mine is distance…which means communication is even more vital. So, thank you. I WILL NOT be undervaluing myself. Thank you! ❤
I always click on these videos feeling a bit deflated and then leave feeling really empowered, thank you for the great confidence building content Matt!!
@@thematthewhussey I need few seconds of ur time. I know this channel is authentic. But there is a note floating around on some of the comments on this channel which is asking to text on telegram and is promising some gifts to give away and represents you. Is that authentic?
Thank you so much!!! I'm going through this right now! I've been dating this girl for seven months, and I helped her so much with her issues. Then, she started to pull away, and I made all the mistakes you just highlighted. You're so CORRECT! I put her on a pedestal and made her a Queen when the reality is that I'm so much more valuable in this relationship than her. This video is helping me get up and forget her for good.
"True character, worth it's weight in gold". Simple words but really hit a chord with me, something to keep in mind at all times and make sure the other person meets that character equally. Thank you Matt x
You hit the nail on the head. I definitely trauma bonded. He never showed up for me. I kept fighting to keep him. I’m finally letting go. I realised he’s just not worth the effort.
I totally agree! I'm at that point where my value is far more important than any relationship I may want to create with someone else. Once I notice you're taking me for granted or not putting in equal amount of efforts, I walk away chin up and shoulder high. There's no space for disrespect
What will you do if your spouse takes you for granted? We are flawed human beings in dire need of salvation & redemption. It takes wisdom and knowledge to navigate any relationship. You don't just leave because someone is not making an effort. Your not ready to be married.
@@danilaroche1156omg was thinking the exact same - the writer is likely young & maybe has had his heart broken? so (hopefully) temporarily feeling negatively about relationships
Now that I'm older and seasoned in Christ, I realize people err. I've had my heart broken& that's because I chose the wrong partners. I had to take responsibility for it. Love relationships are not easy. People are often so prideful and impatient. They're partner makes one minor mistake & people cop an attitude.
Absolutely relevant to me right now. My ex boyfriend was someone I couldn’t get over. Last week we reconnected. We went out a few nights ago, we got pretty drunk, I kissed him, he kissed me back. But then he said he wasn’t sure yet if this is what he wanted. I decided yesterday that I’m not someone’s maybe, his confusion is not my problem. I didn’t value myself enough so I have finally blocked and deleted. Told all mutual friends to not mention him to me, don’t answer any questions he asked about me. I’m finally valuing me 🎉🙌🏻
The fact that you and out getting drunk, acting a fool and hooking up is probably why he's not sure about you. Men will say they don't mind women like this so to get sex but non will marry easy women who are not classy.
It can be hard when someone pulls away, but why would you want to be with someone who isn't sure about you? I tend to believe people when they show who they are. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the effort and do the work they need to do, not walk away. Live your life in a way you love and leave it to them to figure out what they want. If they come back, take time to evaluate if it is still something you want. Right person, wrong time is a thing, but don't wait around for that person. If you are right for each other, you will both do what it takes to make things work.
I'm stuck in a trauma bond and I think from everything I have heard so far this has been the most eye opening to me. Ever since I have entered this relationship more than 2 years ago he's been constantly pulling away, ignoring my needs and feelings, and I've been accepting so much from him and compromising myself just to have this relationship. And now, when I look at everything, I can see how much I had to offer in this relationship, and how he's been a consistent taker devaluing me. And I think this will be the most important factor in helping me move on. Simply becoming conscious of what I have to offer and stop taking it for truth when he makes me feel like I am not enough and I need to work harder for him to lift a finger. Thank you so much.
"Someone else's s uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value. Someone's uncertainty about you is an indication of their lack of value to you.".. WOW! Beautiful statement! So powerful! This is good to keep in mind when this happens. Shifting focus back onto ourselves and working on getting our needs met perhaps elsewhere is better than trying to chase such men or prove our value to them.
Wow, this hits home a really stark reality. I've been trying to win my wife's heart back for over a year. We have been together for 32 years. She kept wavering these last 3 years or so and eventually had an affair a few weeks after saying we were through. She got dumped and came back to our joint home as she couldn't afford anything but is again planning on leaving. I've been giving her space, but her mid-life crisis as she calls it isn't going away. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I am loyal and deserve better. It is time I let her go and stop hurting myself.
Low self-esteem when we find ourselves fighting for someone who is pulling away from us Is by definition: we've devalued ourselves and overvalued them and what they bring ti the table.
Perfect timing. I’ve been going through this cycle with him where a little attention would get me intense and soon as he pulls away I’m fighting to keep that energy. I know it’s time to move on because every time I do this fighting I feel like I’m losing something that I’ll never have but all I was doing was devaluing myself by overvaluing someone that didn’t fight to keep me.
If it helps, remember the analogy with the elastic on two fingers. If he pulls to much one way, don't go after him, because the elastic will fall off. It needs to be streched out. Not that streched so it breaks, but give and take. You can mirror yourself in the other person or directly say that you feel them pulling away and that's not what you want in a relationship. Usually people are afraid to be upfront and honest because they are afraid of losing the person. It might just be what will save the connection, or not because there was nothing to build and you want different things. It's like MH says, if he hasn't shown any great qualities or taken any actions to communicate with you why would you run to him?
@@elimo3901 There's this weird balance that everyone has to make in a relationship. If a man shows too much interest, then the woman loses attraction. But if he shows too little interest, she loses attraction. And everyone's threshold of how much attention they need and want is different. What I'm saying is, that many men will intentionally withhold telling their true feelings for a woman, out of fear that she will lose interest in him if he does. It's just human nature for people to want what they can't have. And that people value someone more that they had to work for. I personally don't like playing games, yet I do simply because I feel forced to.
needed to hear this. obsessed with this girl i was seeing. she was gorgeous, our sexual chemistry was off the scale and she was fun company BUT she was unsure about me and I put her on a pedestal. She could not communicate, or open up on anything deep. All the traits that mattered in a partner, as Matthew stated, were hardly present - the more surfaced ones were. I wanted to make things work and she pulled the slow fade. After dating for 7 months I thought we were finally seeing each others value - I was falling but I lost myself. When she pulled the slow fade it broke me, and I'm still trying to recover. I did learn that I have to put much more value into my own journey, figure out what I want out of life. She is established and has been moving up the ranks in her career and knows a relationship isn't right for her. This was such a tough video to hear but it's true. Thanks for this, it's empowering. I realized she decided not to choose me and didn't see the value that I was able to give. Not her time, not a match. Really going through it and the reality of it all. I'm trying to get better at it every day and see my own value. I have tons of work to do and dating isn't it right now. I've been shattered and need to heal. Thinking positively, this breakup happened so I could finally see the things I need for myself to be a better person.
Went from getting a good morning everyday to saying good morning back and never heard from him again. It was equal give and take and suddenly gone! Can’t make any sense of it and I haven’t even bothered to reach out to him. He can kick rocks with no shoes on.
Dating has always been quite difficult for me as someone with autism. You are explaining these topics so calm, clear and thorough that I really feel like it lands. I think I have been guilty of everything you described and feel more confident going forward
I don't agree with them what so ever and maybe I'm seeing things through a lens but he's describing what's called a dead marriage. Love is more than just a feeling but even if it's vague it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. These lovely therapists are not much more than people spreading their own mindsets into others and often all it is is how to dissociate your situation
All the things described are about “chemistry” ……which many seem to believe is all you need for a long term relationship…….when it isn’t. It’s much deeper than that. But many people aren’t deep……they are on the surface
Im actually grateful for the experience I'm having with "the guy". He started to pull away and it forced me to look at myself and made me want to be better. But not in a desperate sort of way. Its as if he's teaching me and I'm listening. I've learned alot from him more in the pulling back than being present. Im starting to relax with the idea of dismissing him.
@@seagreentangerine2065 I understand it, very much so. She was investing too much of herself into the relationship with him where she was dismissing her life over the relationship. He became the centre of attention to her. What she means by "being better" is being a better version of herself. Taking back her identity to what made her attractive to him in the first place. When you focus on yourself and start to improve your life and take back your identity you start to feel relaxed whether the relationship continues or whether you guys break up. Focusing on yourself can help relieve the tension of the worst outcome.
Very true. I promised myself after reoccurring disappointments that I will never ever let a person i am not even dating yet have so much control over my emotions. I let go and stopped caring. Sometimes its still difficult to let go, but it is becoming easier when i focus on myself, hobbies, interests, friends, and all the things that make me feel completely me.
Out of all the videos I’ve watched on the topic of “pulling away” this one finally hit me with the “aha” moment after multiple times of finding myself in denial or fighting against what I know deep down…that I’m worth it. Thankyou.
I need to let it sink as I am currently going through feeling someone is pulling away from me and I can't help but feel rejected and feel my insecurities are being amplified. I hate game playing so I point blank asked him if he is avoiding me. He said no but I still feel like he is pulling away so I will trust my gut. What's so hard to say to someone- I don't think we should continue getting to know each other. A little clarity without even given reasons. There are so many ways to say this, but grown adults instead choose to be silent and do the slow fade away or whatever it is people do these days. It's exhausting as someone who values honesty and open communication. Thanks for the reminder to not undervalue myself.
For the last 15 years I have went from trying to figure out micromanagers, narcissists, people with OCPD, and then on to healing by Grey Rocking, getting therapy, exercising, and now looking up videos about relationships. I recently got rejected from a person who flirted with me for seven months before I asked them on a date, but I am glad it woke me up to thinking about what I want and all the good feeling chemicals that arise from the possibility of finding "my person". My heart sunk when asking her on a date seemed to bring all the flirting to an end, lol. And I don't know if I was undervaluing myself a ton, but I was idealizing her, and I DO want someone that likes to flirt. I feel better watching this video. The rejection is not about me. It's about them. I just want to focus on continuing to live my best life, and it has gotten really good the past year, and I'm happy to start noticing that I am ready to open my life up to a possible future partner as one of life's perks while I'm here.
I grew up in a dysfunctional and extremely toxic environment, with an unavailable/absent dad and a toxic mom who always neglected me, and both my parents abused me physically. It was at the age of 25, that I realised nothing is wrong with me, but the damage had already been done by then. I desperately seek male attention. Now I understand why my ex ran away from me without an explanation. I feel terrible about myself. I don’t even know how to heal myself and where to begin. This video blew my mind 😢
Im 4 minutes in and this is exactly how it went down for me and my ex girlfriend who broke up with me 3 weeks ago. It feels like exactly this has happened to us. And i even made the same mistake when i "tried" to fight for her, she didnt let me and tbh im glad she did what she did. I think now, that i have to improve myself. I have to build myself up, give myself value, be more productive, be stronger, be more present and some day in the future i will be able to provide for my family, for my friends and for a healthy and long lasting relationship. Sometimes im a bit sad but things turned out exactly how they should.
I am now at point where you were when you wrote this comment, please tell me things get better because it only hurts. I begged her to give me a second chance to make things right, to correct my mistake, but she said no, she "buried" her emotions for me already...
@@Dovlaboss1992 you have to get better in every aspect of your life. get a 6 pack, make more money and become confident and im sure those emotions for you will suddenly not be so buried lol. but at that point you get to decide weather or not you want her back
This just makes it even harder when you think you've found someone who's kind and empathetic, who shows up, is reliable, and listens to you without judging you. Is honest, trustworthy, shows they care about you, support you, and does everything to prove to you that they're real and will never up and leave you without warning...only to have them up and leave you without warning for someone they just met. For me, we were together for 3 years and everything was fine. One day she told me she cared about me so much and would never hurt or betray me, and just the thought of sleeping with another guy turned her stomach. I'd been resisting trusting her completely because I'd been hurt before, but when she said that, I knew it was time for me to trust her 100%, so I did. Later that SAME night, she met a guy who gave her butterflies, and left me a week later. She told me she cared about me so much that she'd never hurt or betray me, then met the guy she'd hurt and betray me for later that same night... That kind of horrific timing can't be bought or learned, it's something the universe curses you with from birth.
This was THE best relationship advice ever.......The one person I could never get over from years ago to this day was one of the guys that "there was something about him" = "alarm bells".....Stopping the video made me come up with answers that were not relationship qualities as you described....There was attraction, chemistry, playfulness, easygoing, intellectual, etc. but he didn't have the necessary relationship skills......Down deep, I realized this over the years but I couldn't put it into words. I have just felt years of hurt that I wasn't good enough..........Thank you.
10:15 - WOW. This is such an empowering mindset. I felt so bad about myself because of uncertainty in my relationsip. After watching many videos in YT about relationships, I realized that I was consistently satisfying most, if not all of the commonly stated prerequisites for being a good partner. I was left thinking to myself "Why is my partner uncertain and undervaluing me?". I often forget to ask myself what others bring to the table and whether I like *them* and enjoy *their* company. I realize now that I need to remind myself of my true value and identify when I am being undervalued by a partner. This person is really missing out by creating distance and pushing me away. I'm happy to have the mental tools to regain my self-worth and come to terms with the fact that this person is undeserving of my time and love if they continue to treat me this way.
I needed this video yesterday when I was fighting too hard for someone who smashed into my life and basically has only disrupted it. I'm a day late, but I see clearly now. I'll fight no more. Thank you SO much for giving me this clarity.
My ex rarely initiated conversations or date nights with me, and used to disrespect me. I saw this as a sign for it not working out, and less of a desire to fight for us. I confronted her with this, stating that it was making me feel like there was something wrong and that it may not be worth while but I wanted her to come with me to fix this so it could work, but it seems she has a mental health issue which saw this offer to work together as an attack on her character. She called me something that crossed the line out of spite and I left. Know your worth. Know your boundaries. Know your limits.
This is exactly what happened to me. I had a long distance realtionship and we startet pretty fast. There was an instant connection and on the first day we saw each other he even fell asleep on my lab. It felt so magical and the early stage in our relationship felt like a movie. But i startet way too fast to glorify what we have instead of actually seeing how he is. He was always very unemotional, didnt talk about his feelings or whats on his mind. I had to literally pull his thoughts out of his head and it was exhausting. He did things that hurt me but i never really punished that. When I think about it now i feel incredible blind in this. I love him for the person he is but he's not a good partner for me and thats what i have to realise. We broke up yesterday and of course i am still sad. But I think this is exactly what I needed. So thank u for making me realise what went wrong!
I'm going through exactly the same thing atm. It's really affecting me because my anxiety is so out of control that I can't eat or sleep properly. I really like her and those good moments felt like a fairytale but now I'm just starting to realize I should probably just move on. :(
I believe that every relationship is a complementary function. If one person gives more than the other, the latter will feel that they hold more value and control in the relationship. They might even start thinking that they deserve better in the worst-case scenario. It's crucial that both individuals put in the same amount of effort into the relationship, to avoid one party starting to develop feelings of rejection.
I cannot tell you how much this has helped me today. I couldn't put into words why I was becoming almost "obsessed" with someone. It also helped validate why I was feeling that way. I was beginning to put too much weight into the relationship even though he had all the qualities for a good relationship. I almost messed it up by pushing too hard. :) TY for saving it!
A quick tidbit! When I felt my partner pull away in my last relationship, I would be sure to let him know it did not affect me. I would tell him I don’t need him, listen to breakup songs with him in the room, and act a bit passive aggressive. Please do not make the same mistake. It only hurt him and made him realize that maybe we were both better off without each other. 😅 The truth is, it did suck and I wanted to spend more time with him. My actions showed otherwise, and I wish I had been honest. Instead, I should’ve Iet him know (very briefly) how I was feeling without all the dramatics. Then accepted the fact that the relationship may be changing as all relationships do over time. No need to freak out! Do what makes you happy and follow the pace. If you still don’t like it, and find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, it may not be the relationship you want anymore. Throw it away! You’re too valuable to be in a relationship with someone you hope will change. ❤
A possible reason for them pulling away can be that the entire thing is overwhelming. Not that you make them worth more than they are etc… but that they just can’t handle the emotions. It could be a defence mechanism that turns on cause they had a bad relationship in the past. Best thing to do is to take a step back, show your support and show that you are trustworthy, confident in yourself etc… let them know what you think about them, what you feel and prove it if needed. That will give them a chance to calm down and get back into it. It doesn’t mean they are not sure about you etc… it just mean they are afraid when it start getting serious. “What if this person also is a psychopath”. And not that they actually think you are possibly a psychopath but unconsciously their brain will go to a defensive mode to sort some things out. And when it comes to this “this is just something about them”. That “something” can be the combination of several of the important traits but you can’t put your finger on it
This is a perspective that people are entirely missing here. I didn’t pull away because I just wanted to be an asshole. Far far FAR from it, I felt overstimulated, I felt too much too quick, and once I felt that I was getting anxious every time I was around them, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I broke. I had to let her go. Something wasn’t right.
Agreed to all his points but it’s a sad reality when we have to analyse our relationships with each other in such detail. Gone are the days when meeting someone, dating someone was such an exciting experience where both parties knew their roles in the relationship. Today we are double guessing each other too often.
Lol this days never happened. Open any history book, old romance novels like Shakespeare, old myths and even the Bible and you will see that relationships were complicated in all human societies. You're just idealizing an imaginary past you never lived because you"re scared of your present. Be brave and face reality how it is.
It's made worse by social media and dating apps... When you have multiple people at your beckon call, people will be constantly second-guessing and feeling FOMO, wondering if there's someone out there that's better. Times were better before the internet when you were essentially forced to focus on one person at a time that you had to meet at a bar or going out somewhere. At the end of the day, I've realized that finding true love isn't about finding someone better than the person you're with, because there will always be someone better on a quantitative level, but it's better to ask yourself "Does this person give me what I need?". If they do, why do you need something better in the first place?
Matthiew, your ability to convey intricate concepts with simplicity, employing clear language and coherent reasoning, is truly remarkable. I appreciate your straightforwardness, such as when you mention that if someone is growing distant, they might not be the right person for me.
This is good, but as someone who has been on the other side (the person liked me more) what eventually won me over was them telling and showing me their genuine love and just being patient as we spent more time together. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and letting someone know you like them is not weakness. Sometimes we play too many games and do to many strategies and it just makes us and the person we are pursuing jaded. Just be you, and communicate your feelings.
This is what works for me too, when I sense the games or uninterested vibe or pulling away/ i feel uncomfortable and unsafe and then I pull away and move on- I like communication, openness, flowing energy
I tried not to chase him. I talked about that I felt he was pulling away and that it made me feel insecure. I said I understood he was going through an insanely busy time in his life (was showing symptoms of burnout) and that I would be patient for when he had space in his life for me. I thought I was communicating, but I guess I just made him feel guilty, and he dumped me anyway.
I made the same mistake with someone I really liked. It still hurts admitting that, even though he was emotionally unavailable and socially immature, I gave way too much and most likely pushed him away. I understand I did too much without really knowing him. It was just a major crush. That's it, but it still hurts. I'll never do that again. Lesson learned.
I completely understand. I was the emotionally unavailable guy in my situation. I pulled away because I was scared about being in a relationship after a couple failed ones. I was treated so good that I was scared that I would let them down and closed myself off. Took me a couple years to really heal and mature. We reconnected and now in a relationship. People do change.
Everything is about perception We build people up in our minds They say never meet your idols because they will never live up to the fantasy we have of them in our heads. We meet potential partners and put them on a pedestal of perfection. The easiest way to knock them off is to look for the ways they are imperfect that makes them just like you.
Matt please talk more about women who have children and were married entering the dating world! I need help! Also I’m 41. It’s so different than being 30s or under.
you had your husband, 75% chance you filed for divorce. now its the open dating market where men either dat younger because they can or they simply dont want to date anymore.there are also many men who have been single for a very long time, you won't see them, they fo to work and straight home. theres a small amount of men still on the market, also divorced, you might find a friendship sort of situation. good luck.
This video is good. So many “counselors” focus on the “what to do” after the other person pulls away, but this one truly helped me understand the real logic behind it, as well as what it actually means to myself. As a result of my own attachment style and previous toxic (even traumatic) relationships, recently I’ve been focusing on how to attract her, to a point where anxiety ate me alive and I lost my balance. Thank you Matthew, from the bottom of my heart, for creating this video. I’ve suffered from this same issue for so many times with different people, now I finally have clarity. Thank you! I’m gonna come back and watch this a lot more time while I work on myself.
I left from a guy I was dating recently that "pulled away" because I simply wanted him to place phone calls to me when we weren't together on a date vs. texts ( I felt like a text buddy or something) He chose to go silent after I stated my intersests and I told him in a audio text, which I see was the only way to get through to him, if he chooses silence good looking out. He chose that. I'm so grateful for God protecting me from this man that was just a hurt man telling me he would hurt me too.
Wow. I just went through this cycle ending last night. I can’t believe how hard this hits home and makes me feel better. This is such a sobering take on what i am going through. Thank you.
I am in this situation. Now I’m getting myself out of it. You think it would be obvious to ppl to walk away when they pull away, but the trends say otherwise. Learned so much from this video. Thank you for sharing it with us.
If you're putting in effort for someone, and they stop putting in effort for you, the best thing you can do is mirror that behavior. Don't be an ass about it. Don't brush them off. If they're acting like they don't have as much time for you, then find things to fill those gaps of time. Don't sit by the phone waiting for them to call or text. Go out with your friends. Join a club. Find a new activity, or try something you've always thought of doing. Just do something to take your mind off of them a little. So if they keep up that behavior and keep pushing you away, you won't be as clingy, because believe me, begging and being clingy and trying to "prove your worth" to someone never works. Have value in yourself. If you constantly think you have to prove yourself to that person, work on improving yourself outside of them so you feel better about who you are as an individual. Not only will this make it much easier if they are a commitment-phobe and they walk away, but it also gives you the best chance of them finding value in you again. When someone is always at your beck and call, and you feel like you can just text them whenever you're lonely, and suddenly when you text them on a Saturday night at the last minute and they either don't respond until later because they were out doing stuff or respond with "Sorry hun, I'm out with my friends at the hockey game", you start to realize this person isn't someone you should keep taking for granted. This is someone who has a life outside of you and if you keep pulling away, they're not going to chase after you. And if they realize that and don't care, then you were better off without them anyway
I don't know why Matthew Hussey videos showed up in my recommendation feed, but I watched one, then I watched a second video and a third. Although his target audience is women, a lot of the messages in his videos are universal. I really enjoy his common sense advice and his optimistic view on relationships between men & women.
@@thematthewhussey Absolutely true, your videos are for everyone. I focused on men and women in my comment because of what I see being consumed by young men: black, red pill, MGTOW, alpha vs beta male, etc advice videos. I don't know if it's Matthew or a social media manager who reads/replies to comments, but I feel that young men would really benefit from your/Matthew's advice.
This describes my life 100%. The person whom I thought was my soulmate just ripped my heart out of my chest when without a hesitation abandoned me when he promised me over and over that he would never leave me. For the first time in my life I loved someone with every ounce of my body and treated them like a king, only for them to discard me like trash without warning for nothing that I have done wrong. My mistake was not guarding my heart and giving my whole heart to someone that did not value me, and now I realize that he did not deserve me. I also realize that he played me and that he never truly loved me. I was never his soulmate even though he claimed I was... And watching this video has made me realize that I did not value myself. Because if I did, I would not have taken him back the first time he left. Even though the first time he came running back after an hour saying he realized he can't live a life without me and he would never abandon me again, I should not have taken someone back after they showed me that they did not value me in the first place... Although I will work on myself and love myself more and learn to value myself more, I will never trust and give anyone my heart again. Never... 💔
Your mistake was not to “not guard your heart”. If you guard your heart too much you will be suspicious of things that might not need suspicion and you will be the creator of the outcome you are most afraid of. The problem exists way earlier in the process. It’s about understanding people and evaluating someone’s character, spotting qualities and weaknesses, realizing whether someone is genuine or just says what you want to hear. You don’t have a heart problem, you have a problem reading and understanding people fully. Because if you did, you would’ve fallen in love with a person worthy of your heart and then you wouldn’t have to guard it.
In the beginning of this video I was nervous. Ik I struggle with low self-esteem. HOWEVER!! By the end of this video I just realized how much I have grown. I feel that I don’t have low self esteem around people who don’t make me feel inferior. Sometimes it’s their strong facade or hot and cold behavior but either way it’s something I no longer feel the need to fight for. My first instinct to communicate my concerns (even though it’s extremely hard for me) and leave if no positive change has occurred. I am starting to see that sooner and I’m starting to be more sure of my decisions sooner. It is definitely taking time but I’m happy to have this video as validation. Thanks so much for this post!!!
Thank you Matthew- I so needed to hear this today. You are a gem for the all the women going through relationship problems. Loved that part when you said “ I may have given you my best but now that you are unsure , you become unworthy of all the wonderful things that I was giving you. Yes I may be attracted to you but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself “ One of your best videos -God bless you 🙏💐
I've read a number of relationship books, talked to an array of therapists and marriage counselors, and I've never heard this perspective. You summarized my situation of getting back into the dating field after the end of a long marriage. I'm so curious to check out your other stuff now. Thank you very much.
I wish I could like this clip 1000 times. Such gold presented throughout this especially for some of us women who sometimes feel at the mercy of a man's whims. 'Someone's uncertainty about you should be an indicator of their lack of value to you' #BARS
I feel like I went to therapy after this video. After your pause, I was writing every single word you said down to really get it stuck in my brain. Thank you for this amazing video, a real eye-opener.
Probably the best advice for relationships I’ve ever seen in a video. Spot on. I finally see where I went wrong and I definitely undervalued myself. It would be a good part 2 video to maybe discuss what makes people undervalue themselves. What past experiences bring people to lower their standards to chase after someone that they might be attracted to or have chemistry with but they bring zero to the table. I based everything on how this person made me feel after years of not feeling anything with someone else. And that was so wrong. Thank you for this video.
Currently dealing with this right now. This message was timely. I have the conversation already basically telling there are consequences. I am glad this video supports what I think and did
Hey, how did it go? I have the opinion that it shouldn’t be a conversation about consequences, but consequences applied through appropriate action. Stop investing what you are investing, completely or gradually. A talk should be the ultimate consequence - a breakup. You should always communicate your wants and needs, and wishes though. Your partner not respecting those, or not giving you what you want, is already them communicating to you. You just communicate back, through actions though. And you have to mean it, even risking them breaking up with you. Good luck.
when I feel bad, and miss him, I just come here, read comments and feel comfortable that I’m not alone
I saw a neurologist said to get over someone you should write down all all things that weren't great about them and remind yourself of those. After breakups sometimes we just reminisce the good parts.
YOU DONT NEED A PARTNER TO BE HAPPY NOR A CHILD.FIRST LEARN TO BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN COMPANY.
@@angelangelangeles2228some times you are very happy with yourself and them still you want a partner and a child
Real
same to me
"I might be attracted to you. But I'm FAR more attracted to the life I want for myself." Just need to lift that up here in the comments. YES!
Psycho fem point of view. But I believe you.
Indeed@@nomoresunforever3695
Wow that was a new one I never heard but makes sense
@@nomoresunforever3695 Women really love these mantras that take away all responsibility from them.
All I hear from these women are, ME ME ME ME ME ME ME AND ME
i didnt make him important. i was being myself and was excited to be around him, loved his energy. thats all. i was prepared to lose him and when i noticed this pulling away was a pattern, i left- was i scared to lose him? no, i was scared to lose myself because he was not building anything with me.
Same thing happened with me and my guy. Good for you for putting you first. It took me a few tries with other relationships, but this time I got it right too.
Same
wow same
I feel like I wrote this except my answer to the question, “was I scared to lose him?” was yes. He and I worked together and formed a friendship. I genuinely loved him as a person and I wanted him in my life forever, even if we only ever remained friends. But he wasn’t opening up to me or letting me in as friends typically do, so I eventually I realized I had to let him go. It was hard and I’ve still been struggling with the loss but I know I did the right thing. He didn’t value me as a friend but I’m so glad I value myself and realized I had to cut ties.
thanks your messages.
your right ❤️❤️❤️
its hard not to overvalue someone when you've been alone for so long.
Yes i am alone 9 years and i started trusted him he went quiet … men are so strange. Count who and when tracisz out , everything being 50/50… omg. I was in a hermet mode for 9 years with no one close , no one even giving me a hug or warm word … and suddenly when I allowed myself to feel anything he went quiet 😮 what the hell is a purpose 😮
The most strange thing is WHY so many people are alone these days… maybe we all need to have less screen and reintroduce some more real life activities.
@@kognitivescientist some people have difficulty socializing with others
@@bigstanky2037 Then these people have even more reason to not use screens. Socializing is also some kind of trained activity. If you have trouble it means you lacked the training in your past. People that want to change it must force themselves into such situation unless it becomes less awkward. I mean its super hard, I'm not gonna lie, but hiding behind a screen is most definitely not the solution.
It makes everything worse, because it makes you believe you have some kind of social life, but its not the real thing.
@@Harrikiri well I am being more social in person so I'm slowly improving I guess
"Someone's uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value" - that's the key of wisdom in all types of relationships, not only romantic! 👏
It definitely can be.
@@Wobbothe3rd well if you lack self steem that's how you will understand it
Let’s acknowledge that some of us aren’t that good ourselves
We r assuming that we r an evolved person here, great partner material
Quality people also pull away from those who drain them or simply don’t measure up
It’s important we don’t over estimate our own value and continue to build ourselves
Could be.
Beleiving in your personal value has nothing to do with thinking you don't have anything to improve. Valuable people are actually constantly working to become their better version. On the other hand, not letting someone diminish your personal value is self love, you don't need external acknowledgement to know your worth - that is the message behind his words
If he's pulling away, let him go. You deserve someone who can communicate clearly about what's going on.
Happened to me 😥
@@charleneclark1817 I'm sorry to hear that. It definitely happened to me too, more than once. It's a hard lesson to learn.
@@constancep7632
I know
Good point!
yeah. when they pull away, i pull away too. the heck with them.
What I keep hearing is basically that if you like someone and behave accordingly, it makes you “low value”. So everyone’s walking around suppressing their feelings, playing games and deploying strategies instead of just flowing. No wonder there are so many lonely people and breakups.
Yeah thats what i noticed too. I try to be as truthful as I can with what im thinking. It might be overwhelming for some to receive genuine love/attention. Maybe they think they getting played idk.
Exactly what I was thinking and I respect you for being honest and saying it out loud.
@@yukiterumi5756 exactly. I’m literally practicing suppressing my feelings when they pull away and even though I’m craving them I just don’t respond for days just so that they don’t think I’m coming on too strong. This constant game is why I’m still single at 31. There has to be a better solution.
@@octoberboiy Stop playing the game then. Take chances. Say how you feel, if it doesn't work or if they don't care, they are not right for you.
Coming on strong in a creepy way is one thing.
Not being able to plainly say I miss you is a whole other problem.
Yup. Don't act like your too into someone or they might not like you. 🤦♂️🤷♂️
Not only did you explain what to do, but you also motivated people to not waste time on someone who doesn’t care. Great video.
This includes friendships and trying to build a friendship with a coworker. If she doesn't want to help you or she says nobody helps each other in our working line, then she isn't a reliable person to begin with even though she tried to befriend you.
"Someone else's uncertainty is not an indication of your lack of value, it's an indication of their lack of value to you." 💯
Thank you. Sad part of my story is me and my girlfriend are in our 60s
You think the games would be over
I moved out of state. Into her (house) and when we get into it. And that is because I'm being treated like a punk or a dam pet ie a dog or a cat. I get the old..get out of my house. After she helped me get rid of all my stuff and moved me here. Love why is there always evil mixed in with it?
or the lack of signs from you, the uncertainty's consequence is the uncertainty. Such a stupid advice... hope they communicate to avoid this situation
That would be so perfect if that were completely true but it's not people that are uncertain are uncertain because I've been hurt before and they're scared.
@@jameshurd1328well, yes. So you or whoever is in that position needs to heal and process the things you are feeling with that wound. Because in that position, its hard for you to give the best of you, so to the other person if you cant do that, you are not valuable in the moment.
All the more reason to find someone who is certain and not wasting your time.
"Someone else's uncertainty is not an indication of your lack of value, it's an indication of their lack of value to you." Brilliant!
Love is blind. If someone pulls away because you overvalue them they are not the right person for you. If that person makes you feel anxious, insecure, and does not value you for whatever reason you should be strong and admit that the relationship will not make you happy in the end. I am a loving and caring person and I should not be punished for that. Although I often invest too much too early and devalue myself in the process. My last relationship showed me that. Don't do it folks. It is not worth it if your ex wasn't ready to fight for you. Move on and find someone who truly loves you. Btw my girlfriend left me last week and I am still struggling with it because everything seemed good at first. Last night after watching these videos I thought about it and it made me realize how insecure I was and how that person made me feel. Not valued at all. I am trying to move on and focus on new projects (making music) to improve my self-esteem. We are all in this together my friends. I feel you.
Mine blocked me everwhere. I am still in shock.
@@ona8938 Same thing except for Facebook 😂😅 we had the best vacation you can imagine 3 weeks ago and then she started to get stressed by everything. Nothing I can do. I didn't even try to save the relationship because it is not worth it. At least it was just 6 months... but it still hurts like hell.
@@barisarslan4239 Sad. That people are so immature and can not end a connection in a mature way.
I’m so sorry for your heartbreak, I’ve been there too. Hope you are enjoying the music journey.
Baris Arslan: very well said. You make a valid point. Thx
I just stopped playing games completely. I respond when I want to, i'm not doing games anymore and when I had enough, I had enough.
I'm being sincere and I told the girl I loved how I felt about her. Reaction was cold as hell. So I just let her go.
Most relationships don't last. Most crushes don't last.
Most people you will meet won't last in your life.
It's better to be honest with yourself, don't play mindgames or don't pretend to be someone you're not.
If they go away, let them go. If you communicate and they don't respond and you feel ignored, let them go.
I wish yall the best.
Sound advice.
Solid stuff 👍
Spot on
It's crazy though! Your a man going through this and I'm women going through the same. I think I gave it enough time. 2 years, several conversations about how it makes me feel being ignored. Yes, you get a gm text everyday but then you last all day to reply all other messages, meanwhile you are online on instagram. You annoyed them with your insecurities, but your insecurities are not about yourself but the relationship. You feel like you made a mistake by blocking them because you had enough, when they find a way around you you pour your heart out and tell them that it's just you assuming that you simply don't want to speak to me, or that I'm bothering you and that I love you so much I don't want to feel annoyed and I don't want to lose you, and they reply with a "you good" four hours later! What you do when you been dating for almost 3 years meet families, are sort of every family meeting, but he has only said I love you two times he was so close to lose me. It's hard but the best is to let go!
Thank you
Qualities that make someone a great partner:
Kindness
Empathy
Compassion
They show up for me
They’re reliable
They’re consistent
They’re a great communicator
They’re honest
Trustworthy
They’re a great teammate
They care about my day, and the challenges in my life and want to support me in those
Also a great friend
you forgot maturity, both real-world and emotional maturity
Seems to me more like I'm in love with you because you are in love with me. This is how it should be ?
The first 3 and I'll give you the world
This!!! I never thought about it like that, always focused on the “spark”, “connection”, “physical attraction” etc
It's all subjective. Because someone thinks you're moving too fast or giving too much of yourself too soon doesn't necessarily mean you are. Some people are scared of their own happiness because they're expecting disappointment, that they end up sabotaging it
Absolutely..after 6 mnths together my boyfriend did this to me....twice! Refusing to give me any good reason...saying im an amazing woman..the best dince his late wife..SO..I walked away from him...upset initially and very hurt.....BUT soooo glad I left...let him sttuggle now to adjust !!!!
Yes exactly
I think the proper word you’re looking for is “relative”, but yes I agree
Absolutely. A lot of people fear relationships because they fear the inevitable break up.
I loved he was positive a lot of fun,honest and I could not look in his heart I want to conquer his heart💖
I was attracted to him being emotionally available, supportive and kind.
He started pulling away, I'm pulling away too. I don't care if I lose him or not, if he wants to stay in the relationship he is welcome to, if not good luck.
I'm not going to waste anymore efforts to make it work anymore
I'm going through the same thing. 😢
Golden! But so hard to change patterns!
If hes pulling away without explanation hes not emotionally available! Hope you can move on
Women are starting to know their worth
@@megja1812 I think so!
Don’t say a word. Let ‘em go and move on with life.
Matthew! "I may be attracted to you, but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself." BINGO!! 🔥
👏
THIS is what I needed to hear.
Every self deluding woman's motto. He's not worth it, I'm better than him x300! Then you die alone and the married couples all laugh in jubilant celebration that none of their family members got stuck with you as an inlaw.
@@thematthewhussey You are a king of grift. I respect how much money you were willing to fuck everyone else over for, its really impressive... Okay yea its not, but hey at least you're make more than most.
So it's not about a relationship, it's about you.
I love being around you, I enjoy your company, but it's not more important than what's right for me. I maybe am attracted to you, but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself.
Will remind myself of these precious words everyday ♥
Yesterday I read a quote along the lines of "I still love you but, to me, you're not worth this pain." I like yours, it builds on this one
me too ;-;
thanks for sharing this
Excellent
♥️
No one that is unwilling to put someone else's needs ahead of their own has experienced epic love.
I've had it and it's worth every parcel of effort and every ounce of energy to achieve.
Words simply fail to express the enormity of those emotions...and the invaluable contribution that love and mutual support give to an individual. That help one reach that place where one is attempting to seek.
Self-absorbtion and the hyper trendy self improvement and awakening movements will NEVER replace the joy of being mated to your beloved.
This is the best relationship advice i have ever received, period. What i learnt from this was to value yourself, dont place others whether its romantic relations or professional relations on a pedistal. Know your self-worth. If people cant see that or arn't willing to put the work in, let them go. Thanks Matthew, great advice mate.👍
I was about to write the same thing. Golden advice period.
Same, man. Im a man and this advice is better than anything I have seen from channels actually dedicated to men.
100%. I've been in so many situations like this. I wish people would communicate clearly when something goes wrong, because at this point an up front rejection is comforting to me. But you can't expect everyone to uphold the same values.
Its gonna be hard to let go. Part of you will scream that you're making a mistake. You're probably gonna feel like you DID make a big mistake after you do. But you will feel so much worse if you let the communication with the person sour even further. If you've done that dance before, you know its true. It'll just be another ugly stain on your memories that ruins your mental health. And eventually you'll be proud of yourself for having self respect. Hell, other people might even respect you more for your self control. How many stories have you heard about friends trying until the relationship became horribly toxic? Be the person who didn't let it get there.
Its a similar principle to waking up on time, or cutting back on something you consume too much of. Its never easy. But once you start doing it, it gets easier. It'll be easier to push yourself away from people who aren't good for you the more you do it. Just do it once. Then do it again.
Some of the most important actions in life will suck. A lot. But they're the key to preventing you from going through the same crap experiences repeatedly.
Rigth on the money with the advice. I am going to definitely put this into practice. Also I will be putting into practice the let them theory. If they want to leave let them, they don't want you, let them go, etc.
Sounds like the same meaningless platitude I’ve heard a million times over, but to each his own.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! I tend to put people on a pedestal, to overvalue them and there life and to undervalue myself. But luke you say, I have a lot to give to the right person and that is a gift I should not give to the "next best" person that does not appreciate.
Me too
Spot on. I’ve really learnt how to respond in these situations. When he pulls away, I’m a lot less certain about him, which makes them less valuable to me, not more. Logically, if they stop doing the things that made me attracted and connected to them, why would I still want them? That person I thought existed, no longer does. This should make it easy to move on. Not harder. But we sometimes fail to understand that.
This is so true!
Excellent point of view! Love it.
True..
We fail to understand that when there's love which causes a mental clash and everything is in reverse.
Ultimate solution: NO CONTACT.
Cry a little and move on.
Very true. I think for me the dissonance of how they were for so long, the person I felt a trust building with, is what is hard to adjust to. Like it happened so fast and I panicked inside because of (probably) dad issues or insecurity... but on the outside I just felt I was maintaining/clarifying the precedent set in the relationship by BOTH of us. It's completely bewildering when someone changes and even when it's less attractive it's still painful. And I find myself making a fool of myself after the fact (so it feels) because im making more effort, when simply i just felt we both had established something and it was hard to let that go at the drop of a hat when it was so promising.
Sometimes they pull away because you appropriately value them and they aren't used to that. Overvaluing is usually easy to spot and move away from, but when you value someone appropriately it can really throw off their radar and that's why they pull away because they're confused. But yes the solution for you is to still back off but be present with communication but not overly available and don't write too much.
I am currently with a man like that. I am making a decision to leave - I need to be with emotionally mature people.
@@seagreentangerine2065 Are you the one who is valuing their partner appropriately or is it the other way around
They’d never seen love like that before
They can’t reciprocate and it repels them
Exactly my thoughts.
Let. Them. Go.
You'll be trying to convince that person for the rest of relationship.
I'm not even watching the video. Just stopped by real quick to say, you'll be fine.
Don't be with someone like this. Just leave right away and don't look back. It's not okay and it's not right for someone to do this to another person. Period. U don't need to worry if you did anything wrong. Don't waste another minute and walk away.
She will heal with time, just go for someone who will appreciate you and start new life you’re not starting from scratch but from experience
Is not that easy at all, us as humans we always look for answers and explanations we are naturally like that imagine you got arrested but you already know u did nothing wrong ofc you gonna wait for explanations instead of just walking away after they didn't find u guilty.
Ghosted toasted.
Thank u for saying this. Just came out of abusive relationship
@@rose7777 glad you're now safe! The abusers will continue to abuse new people in their lives and it has nothing to do with you. Remember that whenever you find yourself analyzing the situation.
Trauma bonds are so weird. You just feel the connection (not even knowing you share similar childhood abuse). As I've worked through my past, I am aware when I feel that connection. But instead of acting on the feelings, I just observe the person and keep really good boundaries. I deserve to be with someone who works through their trauma. I've tried to be in relationships with friends and lovers who don't value working through their trauma and it never works between us.
I think being very self aware and proactive about my healing makes people who don't want to work through their crap uncomfortable. So I've learned to share as little as possible with people until I really get to know them. And even then I only give them a nugget of information and watch how they respond to that. It helps me not get hurt as often anymore.
This is so true. Some people aren’t willing or able to do the work. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve our compassion. But that doesn’t mean they deserve our time.
@@thematthewhussey Absolutely. If our encounter inspires them to shift their mindset about healing - amazing!! But my inner circle are people who share that value. They need to actively practice emotional/mental self-care.
Somewhere I read or heard something like "butterflies are a sign that it's not good. Love shouldn't make you anxious, it shouldn't make you feel wondering if everything you say is right and if they'll text back. Love should feel calm and safe."
@@thematthewhussey Well said!
I had honestly never thought of that before, looking at someone’s lack of interest as making them lower value to you. It makes perfect sense.
Yes! Here is where the low self esteem comes into play. If you don't love yourself enough, then that thought is really foreign.
"They must think there is something wrong with me.", "I have to prove to them that I'm not as bad as they think!" And the chase and devaluing yourself begins... I realize now, this is the way I have been thinking, because of my upbringing and history. It's really freeing to know and at the same time, a bit sad also.
@@luminouschild 👈 Are you man or woman, sorry to ask am just trying to figure out if it's okay cause I kinda like the name
@@successful363 I am a woman. The name is from a song actually :D Entheogenic - Luminous Child.
@@luminouschild ohh great
Hope your having a great day ?
Well what he means actually is that someone’s intense, premature interest makes them less valuable to the other person.
I threw my everything at a woman who didn't deserve it and I ended up getting burned. Keep yourself at the top of your priorities and anyone else that sticks around is meant to be. Learning alot about myself through these videos, thank you Matthew!
Same here! I feel your pain bro! We gonna make it out of this bullshit no problem.
What would you do tho if you were having a baby?
When it comes to women. All you can do is send a message or ask them to call you and never think or do something for them again unless they contact you. And address the behaviour in the future before starting any kind of relationship with them.
As a woman who just did this very same thing to a man, I can see where that would be very unattractive. I don’t want to be your everything in a week. But, also…I just did that myself. All we can do is learn.
I did this with a guy for 6ish months. When it was good I was addicted but when it wasn't it was like hell. I tried to help him out and we at first put in equal amounts of love, energy and time, then it sort of dwindled from him for IRL stuff. I fought hard for "whatever" we had but I was being ignored/abandoned/not even acknowledged for weeks at a time. I kept going until I got to the point of giving up. I was getting nothing out of it and then he graced me with his "presence" after 2 weeks of non contact and showing me that i wasnt important after all. I decided I couldn't do this any more and I said "I set you free *insert name here* and I walked away. It killed me having to do that cause he was a core part of my world and I wanted him still in it. The occasional "hi hun❤!" when I saw him was not enough, I needed more and everything I felt like I was doing made no difference UNTIL HE NEEDED ME! other wise I was left behind in the rear view mirror.
Phenomenal video.
Childhood trauma, fully-controlling, and abusive behavior from my Eastern-grown parents played a huge role in my overvaluing mindset with other people, and an extremely undervaluing mindset with myself.
What's worse is that this mindset -- stemming from millions of other Eastern-traditional parents with families -- is molded into children by their gaslighting for years. It took me a failed relationship and solid years away from my parents to learn self-value; unfortunately it was done the hard way.
All children deserve loving parents. Not all parents deserve loving children. Neglect of self-love is probably the most detrimental love element to the youth of a child. Unfortunately, some children do not receive this whatsoever. It is unfair, but figuring this love out for myself was the biggest game-changer for my life.
You matter.
BPD maybe.
This 🥲🥹
yh, its something I've got to learn, ngl. I don't think i value myself enough, so i can get quite low for somebody else just so i don't lose them - because for once, with them, i felt like i was worth something. deep shit.
you put it perfectly! I also came from the same eastern European strict upbringing. at 35 Im still rebuilding my confidence, it took a failed relationship to realize that I can be loved and I can give love back.
Damn i never even thought this way. Thanks mate... Makes so much sense
If the relationship is difficult, it’s not going to last. Things should be easy and smooth. That’s what I had with my late husband. Our relationship was effortless, loving and joyful. We completed each other’s sentences. Our love was once in a lifetime. A love that I will carry with me forever. ❤️🥰💜
You are Blessed many never experience this type of love.
Well am impressed,so many go through hot and cold moments all the tym until u don't know how to deal with it anymore
I love that you had that! Thanks for sharing! Very inspiring! 🙌💞🙏🌺💫
sounds beautiful, sorry for your loss.
Patty, did he pursue you? Did you ever play hard to get?
I feel 100 times better now!! I just ended things with a guy where he started texting less and less and then not replying and then saying sorry multiple times because of x reason. He even responded with 'if that's how you feel'. LOL. Which cemented my decision even more. Love this video of Matthews that helped me put my energy back into myself and to remind myself how much I have to give. Excited to enjoy the day and love on myself, knowing I will meet my perfect match in due time!
This is happening to me with a friend. She is around less and less and sometimes only texts to say I am sorry for x reason. I am sorry I fell asleep, I am sorry I am working, and so on.
@@nataliaandreaolivellagonza3681 Wait... if they're asleep or working, that is a VALID reason, bud.
What did you say/text?
@@Moo.1336 yeah, but it's very common that ppl use these reasons as an excuse bc they don't have the balls to be honest & wanna keep their foot in the door. the same kinda ppl who have enough time to post on social media but then claim they don't have time to respond or reach out. f*** that.
I actually took notes for this one. And I TRULY appreciated the passion in your speech today. I played it over and over so it would sink in. I needed this today!! Mine is distance…which means communication is even more vital. So, thank you. I WILL NOT be undervaluing myself.
Thank you! ❤
I loved his intelligence, kindness, patience, and his ability to connect with anyone.
Sometimes people pull away because they’re scared. It might not even be about you at all.
I always click on these videos feeling a bit deflated and then leave feeling really empowered, thank you for the great confidence building content Matt!!
This makes me happy!
@@thematthewhussey I need few seconds of ur time. I know this channel is authentic. But there is a note floating around on some of the comments on this channel which is asking to text on telegram and is promising some gifts to give away and represents you. Is that authentic?
And then an hour later were reading their old texts.
I agree❤ thanks Matt!
Great advice as usual. Thanks Matt.
" Someone's uncertainty about you is not an indication of your value!" Yes!! I need this engraved on my heart.
Thank you so much!!! I'm going through this right now! I've been dating this girl for seven months, and I helped her so much with her issues. Then, she started to pull away, and I made all the mistakes you just highlighted. You're so CORRECT! I put her on a pedestal and made her a Queen when the reality is that I'm so much more valuable in this relationship than her. This video is helping me get up and forget her for good.
Learning you don't love or value yourself hits as hard as losing them
Right and lovely! ❤
"True character, worth it's weight in gold". Simple words but really hit a chord with me, something to keep in mind at all times and make sure the other person meets that character equally. Thank you Matt x
You hit the nail on the head. I definitely trauma bonded. He never showed up for me. I kept fighting to keep him. I’m finally letting go. I realised he’s just not worth the effort.
I totally agree! I'm at that point where my value is far more important than any relationship I may want to create with someone else. Once I notice you're taking me for granted or not putting in equal amount of efforts, I walk away chin up and shoulder high. There's no space for disrespect
What will you do if your spouse takes you for granted? We are flawed human beings in dire need of salvation & redemption. It takes wisdom and knowledge to navigate any relationship. You don't just leave because someone is not making an effort. Your not ready to be married.
@@danilaroche1156omg was thinking the exact same - the writer is likely young & maybe has had his heart broken? so (hopefully) temporarily feeling negatively about relationships
Now that I'm older and seasoned in Christ, I realize people err. I've had my heart broken& that's because I chose the wrong partners. I had to take responsibility for it. Love relationships are not easy. People are often so prideful and impatient. They're partner makes one minor mistake & people cop an attitude.
Absolutely relevant to me right now. My ex boyfriend was someone I couldn’t get over. Last week we reconnected. We went out a few nights ago, we got pretty drunk, I kissed him, he kissed me back. But then he said he wasn’t sure yet if this is what he wanted. I decided yesterday that I’m not someone’s maybe, his confusion is not my problem. I didn’t value myself enough so I have finally blocked and deleted. Told all mutual friends to not mention him to me, don’t answer any questions he asked about me. I’m finally valuing me 🎉🙌🏻
did he find you again?
The fact that you and out getting drunk, acting a fool and hooking up is probably why he's not sure about you. Men will say they don't mind women like this so to get sex but non will marry easy women who are not classy.
It can be hard when someone pulls away, but why would you want to be with someone who isn't sure about you? I tend to believe people when they show who they are. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the effort and do the work they need to do, not walk away. Live your life in a way you love and leave it to them to figure out what they want. If they come back, take time to evaluate if it is still something you want. Right person, wrong time is a thing, but don't wait around for that person. If you are right for each other, you will both do what it takes to make things work.
💯
This! But it’s so hard to do when you’re so used to talking to them every day. I feel kind of empty now, which I know isn’t good 😢
Hey cutie 🤗
Perfect timing for this awesome video. This message goes for ALL relationships including family.
🙏
Agree. Timing perfect!
Agreed. It has really hit a chord with me too
Funny thing, this video actually popped up exactly when I needed it, like a sign from the universe or something. Thanks, Matthew!
Me too
I'm stuck in a trauma bond and I think from everything I have heard so far this has been the most eye opening to me. Ever since I have entered this relationship more than 2 years ago he's been constantly pulling away, ignoring my needs and feelings, and I've been accepting so much from him and compromising myself just to have this relationship. And now, when I look at everything, I can see how much I had to offer in this relationship, and how he's been a consistent taker devaluing me. And I think this will be the most important factor in helping me move on. Simply becoming conscious of what I have to offer and stop taking it for truth when he makes me feel like I am not enough and I need to work harder for him to lift a finger. Thank you so much.
This is mind-blowingly accurate. It's also 20 years too late for me. I needed this so long ago.
"Someone else's s uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value. Someone's uncertainty about you is an indication of their lack of value to you.".. WOW! Beautiful statement! So powerful!
This is good to keep in mind when this happens. Shifting focus back onto ourselves and working on getting our needs met perhaps elsewhere is better than trying to chase such men or prove our value to them.
"If he leaves me, its his fault. If i leave him, its still his fault. I am perfect in every single way".
-Women☕
Saw this comment exactly as he said it, lol
Wow, this hits home a really stark reality. I've been trying to win my wife's heart back for over a year. We have been together for 32 years. She kept wavering these last 3 years or so and eventually had an affair a few weeks after saying we were through. She got dumped and came back to our joint home as she couldn't afford anything but is again planning on leaving. I've been giving her space, but her mid-life crisis as she calls it isn't going away. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I am loyal and deserve better. It is time I let her go and stop hurting myself.
How are you doing now friend? You deserve way way more than what she's giving you there. I'm so sorry
Low self-esteem
when we find ourselves fighting for someone who is pulling away from us
Is by definition: we've devalued ourselves and overvalued them and what they bring ti the table.
Perfect timing. I’ve been going through this cycle with him where a little attention would get me intense and soon as he pulls away I’m fighting to keep that energy. I know it’s time to move on because every time I do this fighting I feel like I’m losing something that I’ll never have but all I was doing was devaluing myself by overvaluing someone that didn’t fight to keep me.
If it helps, remember the analogy with the elastic on two fingers. If he pulls to much one way, don't go after him, because the elastic will fall off. It needs to be streched out. Not that streched so it breaks, but give and take. You can mirror yourself in the other person or directly say that you feel them pulling away and that's not what you want in a relationship. Usually people are afraid to be upfront and honest because they are afraid of losing the person. It might just be what will save the connection, or not because there was nothing to build and you want different things. It's like MH says, if he hasn't shown any great qualities or taken any actions to communicate with you why would you run to him?
@@elimo3901 There's this weird balance that everyone has to make in a relationship. If a man shows too much interest, then the woman loses attraction. But if he shows too little interest, she loses attraction. And everyone's threshold of how much attention they need and want is different. What I'm saying is, that many men will intentionally withhold telling their true feelings for a woman, out of fear that she will lose interest in him if he does. It's just human nature for people to want what they can't have. And that people value someone more that they had to work for. I personally don't like playing games, yet I do simply because I feel forced to.
wow i’m going thru the same🥺i feel you..
f *** y
"didn't fight to keep me" lol
needed to hear this. obsessed with this girl i was seeing. she was gorgeous, our sexual chemistry was off the scale and she was fun company BUT she was unsure about me and I put her on a pedestal. She could not communicate, or open up on anything deep. All the traits that mattered in a partner, as Matthew stated, were hardly present - the more surfaced ones were. I wanted to make things work and she pulled the slow fade. After dating for 7 months I thought we were finally seeing each others value - I was falling but I lost myself. When she pulled the slow fade it broke me, and I'm still trying to recover. I did learn that I have to put much more value into my own journey, figure out what I want out of life. She is established and has been moving up the ranks in her career and knows a relationship isn't right for her. This was such a tough video to hear but it's true. Thanks for this, it's empowering. I realized she decided not to choose me and didn't see the value that I was able to give. Not her time, not a match. Really going through it and the reality of it all. I'm trying to get better at it every day and see my own value. I have tons of work to do and dating isn't it right now. I've been shattered and need to heal. Thinking positively, this breakup happened so I could finally see the things I need for myself to be a better person.
Went from getting a good morning everyday to saying good morning back and never heard from him again. It was equal give and take and suddenly gone! Can’t make any sense of it and I haven’t even bothered to reach out to him. He can kick rocks with no shoes on.
Dating has always been quite difficult for me as someone with autism. You are explaining these topics so calm, clear and thorough that I really feel like it lands. I think I have been guilty of everything you described and feel more confident going forward
same man ❤
I don't agree with them what so ever and maybe I'm seeing things through a lens but he's describing what's called a dead marriage. Love is more than just a feeling but even if it's vague it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. These lovely therapists are not much more than people spreading their own mindsets into others and often all it is is how to dissociate your situation
My bf has Asberger's, and he hasn't contacted in a days. It has broken my hurt but now i dont want him
ADVICE: ALWAYS COMMUNICATE
Superb video - thank you!! 🙏
“The appropriate response when we feel someone pulling away is to become less certain of them.” 🙌✨
All the things described are about “chemistry” ……which many seem to believe is all you need for a long term relationship…….when it isn’t. It’s much deeper than that. But many people aren’t deep……they are on the surface
Im actually grateful for the experience I'm having with "the guy". He started to pull away and it forced me to look at myself and made me want to be better. But not in a desperate sort of way. Its as if he's teaching me and I'm listening. I've learned alot from him more in the pulling back than being present. Im starting to relax with the idea of dismissing him.
What do you mean? Do you think you were too clingy and needy? Pls explain 🤗
I don't understand what they're saying either 😢
@@seagreentangerine2065 I understand it, very much so. She was investing too much of herself into the relationship with him where she was dismissing her life over the relationship. He became the centre of attention to her. What she means by "being better" is being a better version of herself. Taking back her identity to what made her attractive to him in the first place.
When you focus on yourself and start to improve your life and take back your identity you start to feel relaxed whether the relationship continues or whether you guys break up. Focusing on yourself can help relieve the tension of the worst outcome.
this video helped me so much more than 99% of toxic masculine dating advice youtubers...
Very true. I promised myself after reoccurring disappointments that I will never ever let a person i am not even dating yet have so much control over my emotions. I let go and stopped caring. Sometimes its still difficult to let go, but it is becoming easier when i focus on myself, hobbies, interests, friends, and all the things that make me feel completely me.
Out of all the videos I’ve watched on the topic of “pulling away” this one finally hit me with the “aha” moment after multiple times of finding myself in denial or fighting against what I know deep down…that I’m worth it. Thankyou.
Right??? I thought it was just me 😂
Same
Same..
I need to let it sink as I am currently going through feeling someone is pulling away from me and I can't help but feel rejected and feel my insecurities are being amplified. I hate game playing so I point blank asked him if he is avoiding me. He said no but I still feel like he is pulling away so I will trust my gut. What's so hard to say to someone- I don't think we should continue getting to know each other. A little clarity without even given reasons. There are so many ways to say this, but grown adults instead choose to be silent and do the slow fade away or whatever it is people do these days. It's exhausting as someone who values honesty and open communication. Thanks for the reminder to not undervalue myself.
Relationships are so overrated. The peace you have living in solitud is not worth losing it.
For the last 15 years I have went from trying to figure out micromanagers, narcissists, people with OCPD, and then on to healing by Grey Rocking, getting therapy, exercising, and now looking up videos about relationships. I recently got rejected from a person who flirted with me for seven months before I asked them on a date, but I am glad it woke me up to thinking about what I want and all the good feeling chemicals that arise from the possibility of finding "my person". My heart sunk when asking her on a date seemed to bring all the flirting to an end, lol. And I don't know if I was undervaluing myself a ton, but I was idealizing her, and I DO want someone that likes to flirt. I feel better watching this video. The rejection is not about me. It's about them. I just want to focus on continuing to live my best life, and it has gotten really good the past year, and I'm happy to start noticing that I am ready to open my life up to a possible future partner as one of life's perks while I'm here.
I grew up in a dysfunctional and extremely toxic environment, with an unavailable/absent dad and a toxic mom who always neglected me, and both my parents abused me physically. It was at the age of 25, that I realised nothing is wrong with me, but the damage had already been done by then. I desperately seek male attention. Now I understand why my ex ran away from me without an explanation. I feel terrible about myself. I don’t even know how to heal myself and where to begin. This video blew my mind 😢
Im 4 minutes in and this is exactly how it went down for me and my ex girlfriend who broke up with me 3 weeks ago. It feels like exactly this has happened to us. And i even made the same mistake when i "tried" to fight for her, she didnt let me and tbh im glad she did what she did. I think now, that i have to improve myself. I have to build myself up, give myself value, be more productive, be stronger, be more present and some day in the future i will be able to provide for my family, for my friends and for a healthy and long lasting relationship. Sometimes im a bit sad but things turned out exactly how they should.
I am now at point where you were when you wrote this comment, please tell me things get better because it only hurts. I begged her to give me a second chance to make things right, to correct my mistake, but she said no, she "buried" her emotions for me already...
@@Dovlaboss1992 you have to get better in every aspect of your life. get a 6 pack, make more money and become confident and im sure those emotions for you will suddenly not be so buried lol. but at that point you get to decide weather or not you want her back
This just makes it even harder when you think you've found someone who's kind and empathetic, who shows up, is reliable, and listens to you without judging you. Is honest, trustworthy, shows they care about you, support you, and does everything to prove to you that they're real and will never up and leave you without warning...only to have them up and leave you without warning for someone they just met.
For me, we were together for 3 years and everything was fine. One day she told me she cared about me so much and would never hurt or betray me, and just the thought of sleeping with another guy turned her stomach. I'd been resisting trusting her completely because I'd been hurt before, but when she said that, I knew it was time for me to trust her 100%, so I did.
Later that SAME night, she met a guy who gave her butterflies, and left me a week later. She told me she cared about me so much that she'd never hurt or betray me, then met the guy she'd hurt and betray me for later that same night... That kind of horrific timing can't be bought or learned, it's something the universe curses you with from birth.
This was THE best relationship advice ever.......The one person I could never get over from years ago to this day was one of the guys that "there was something about him" = "alarm bells".....Stopping the video made me come up with answers that were not relationship qualities as you described....There was attraction, chemistry, playfulness, easygoing, intellectual, etc. but he didn't have the necessary relationship skills......Down deep, I realized this over the years but I couldn't put it into words. I have just felt years of hurt that I wasn't good enough..........Thank you.
10:15 - WOW. This is such an empowering mindset. I felt so bad about myself because of uncertainty in my relationsip. After watching many videos in YT about relationships, I realized that I was consistently satisfying most, if not all of the commonly stated prerequisites for being a good partner. I was left thinking to myself "Why is my partner uncertain and undervaluing me?". I often forget to ask myself what others bring to the table and whether I like *them* and enjoy *their* company. I realize now that I need to remind myself of my true value and identify when I am being undervalued by a partner. This person is really missing out by creating distance and pushing me away. I'm happy to have the mental tools to regain my self-worth and come to terms with the fact that this person is undeserving of my time and love if they continue to treat me this way.
I needed this video yesterday when I was fighting too hard for someone who smashed into my life and basically has only disrupted it. I'm a day late, but I see clearly now. I'll fight no more. Thank you SO much for giving me this clarity.
My ex rarely initiated conversations or date nights with me, and used to disrespect me. I saw this as a sign for it not working out, and less of a desire to fight for us. I confronted her with this, stating that it was making me feel like there was something wrong and that it may not be worth while but I wanted her to come with me to fix this so it could work, but it seems she has a mental health issue which saw this offer to work together as an attack on her character. She called me something that crossed the line out of spite and I left.
Know your worth. Know your boundaries. Know your limits.
Bro hope you find peace ✌️
Your better than what she thinks about u
@@willba3516 Stand Strong 💪 soon you will be free
This is exactly what happened to me. I had a long distance realtionship and we startet pretty fast. There was an instant connection and on the first day we saw each other he even fell asleep on my lab. It felt so magical and the early stage in our relationship felt like a movie. But i startet way too fast to glorify what we have instead of actually seeing how he is. He was always very unemotional, didnt talk about his feelings or whats on his mind. I had to literally pull his thoughts out of his head and it was exhausting. He did things that hurt me but i never really punished that. When I think about it now i feel incredible blind in this. I love him for the person he is but he's not a good partner for me and thats what i have to realise. We broke up yesterday and of course i am still sad. But I think this is exactly what I needed.
So thank u for making me realise what went wrong!
I feel the same way right now
I feel the same way right here,right now.
Same thing happened to me. But he didn't have the maturity to commit in a LDR, even though we lived 3h away...
as a guy thank you for your perspective! ill try to have my mind more open to the next partner im going to date
I'm going through exactly the same thing atm. It's really affecting me because my anxiety is so out of control that I can't eat or sleep properly. I really like her and those good moments felt like a fairytale but now I'm just starting to realize I should probably just move on. :(
It’s hurt when someone you love just disappear from nowhere and he leaves you with 1000 questions!!!
I believe that every relationship is a complementary function. If one person gives more than the other, the latter will feel that they hold more value and control in the relationship. They might even start thinking that they deserve better in the worst-case scenario. It's crucial that both individuals put in the same amount of effort into the relationship, to avoid one party starting to develop feelings of rejection.
I cannot tell you how much this has helped me today. I couldn't put into words why I was becoming almost "obsessed" with someone. It also helped validate why I was feeling that way. I was beginning to put too much weight into the relationship even though he had all the qualities for a good relationship. I almost messed it up by pushing too hard. :) TY for saving it!
A quick tidbit! When I felt my partner pull away in my last relationship, I would be sure to let him know it did not affect me. I would tell him I don’t need him, listen to breakup songs with him in the room, and act a bit passive aggressive. Please do not make the same mistake. It only hurt him and made him realize that maybe we were both better off without each other. 😅 The truth is, it did suck and I wanted to spend more time with him. My actions showed otherwise, and I wish I had been honest. Instead, I should’ve Iet him know (very briefly) how I was feeling without all the dramatics. Then accepted the fact that the relationship may be changing as all relationships do over time. No need to freak out! Do what makes you happy and follow the pace. If you still don’t like it, and find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, it may not be the relationship you want anymore. Throw it away! You’re too valuable to be in a relationship with someone you hope will change. ❤
Thank you for the comment! I'm shortly after a breakup so it hurts... I needed to hear that
A possible reason for them pulling away can be that the entire thing is overwhelming. Not that you make them worth more than they are etc… but that they just can’t handle the emotions.
It could be a defence mechanism that turns on cause they had a bad relationship in the past. Best thing to do is to take a step back, show your support and show that you are trustworthy, confident in yourself etc… let them know what you think about them, what you feel and prove it if needed. That will give them a chance to calm down and get back into it.
It doesn’t mean they are not sure about you etc… it just mean they are afraid when it start getting serious. “What if this person also is a psychopath”. And not that they actually think you are possibly a psychopath but unconsciously their brain will go to a defensive mode to sort some things out.
And when it comes to this “this is just something about them”. That “something” can be the combination of several of the important traits but you can’t put your finger on it
Very well said 👌
Thanks. Are you a man or a woman?
Yes, because they didn’t bother to fuckin ask lol
This is a perspective that people are entirely missing here. I didn’t pull away because I just wanted to be an asshole. Far far FAR from it, I felt overstimulated, I felt too much too quick, and once I felt that I was getting anxious every time I was around them, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I broke. I had to let her go. Something wasn’t right.
Agreed to all his points but it’s a sad reality when we have to analyse our relationships with each other in such detail. Gone are the days when meeting someone, dating someone was such an exciting experience where both parties knew their roles in the relationship. Today we are double guessing each other too often.
it’s a sign that we are nearing the end , never before from a historical analysis has gender relations been this confusing or depressing.
Lol this days never happened. Open any history book, old romance novels like Shakespeare, old myths and even the Bible and you will see that relationships were complicated in all human societies.
You're just idealizing an imaginary past you never lived because you"re scared of your present.
Be brave and face reality how it is.
Ten four
It's made worse by social media and dating apps... When you have multiple people at your beckon call, people will be constantly second-guessing and feeling FOMO, wondering if there's someone out there that's better. Times were better before the internet when you were essentially forced to focus on one person at a time that you had to meet at a bar or going out somewhere.
At the end of the day, I've realized that finding true love isn't about finding someone better than the person you're with, because there will always be someone better on a quantitative level, but it's better to ask yourself "Does this person give me what I need?". If they do, why do you need something better in the first place?
Some people are cold and use others. It's very shallow these days.
this literally hit the nail on the head for the exact mistake I’ve made time and time again.
Matthiew, your ability to convey intricate concepts with simplicity, employing clear language and coherent reasoning, is truly remarkable. I appreciate your straightforwardness, such as when you mention that if someone is growing distant, they might not be the right person for me.
This is good, but as someone who has been on the other side (the person liked me more) what eventually won me over was them telling and showing me their genuine love and just being patient as we spent more time together. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and letting someone know you like them is not weakness. Sometimes we play too many games and do to many strategies and it just makes us and the person we are pursuing jaded. Just be you, and communicate your feelings.
Not sure it can work with a masculine an who loves challenges
@@premium_elegant_chic No man wants a challenge from a woman. I sure don’t. Clear communication is much better,
@@RamadonPiano relationship coaches say that a man is a hunter and he loves challenges and women hard to get and mysterious
This is what works for me too, when I sense the games or uninterested vibe or pulling away/ i feel uncomfortable and unsafe and then I pull away and move on- I like communication, openness, flowing energy
I tried not to chase him. I talked about that I felt he was pulling away and that it made me feel insecure. I said I understood he was going through an insanely busy time in his life (was showing symptoms of burnout) and that I would be patient for when he had space in his life for me. I thought I was communicating, but I guess I just made him feel guilty, and he dumped me anyway.
I made the same mistake with someone I really liked. It still hurts admitting that, even though he was emotionally unavailable and socially immature, I gave way too much and most likely pushed him away. I understand I did too much without really knowing him. It was just a major crush. That's it, but it still hurts. I'll never do that again. Lesson learned.
This is happening to me right now. Ive done nothing wrong and hes just ignoring me. I feel so stupid for liking him.
@@thegirlwhoanimates9814 💛
I completely understand. I was the emotionally unavailable guy in my situation. I pulled away because I was scared about being in a relationship after a couple failed ones. I was treated so good that I was scared that I would let them down and closed myself off. Took me a couple years to really heal and mature. We reconnected and now in a relationship. People do change.
Everything is about perception
We build people up in our minds
They say never meet your idols because they will never live up to the fantasy we have of them in our heads.
We meet potential partners and put them on a pedestal of perfection.
The easiest way to knock them off is to look for the ways they are imperfect that makes them just like you.
Matt please talk more about women who have children and were married entering the dating world! I need help! Also I’m 41. It’s so different than being 30s or under.
Yes please!! I feel like I have no patience at all for dating after being in such a committed relationship. Everything feels so ridiculous to me 😣
@QueenCoCoaMocha wow .. what do you mean "ended up"?
@@therealone8628 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
you had your husband, 75% chance you filed for divorce. now its the open dating market where men either dat younger because they can or they simply dont want to date anymore.there are also many men who have been single for a very long time, you won't see them, they fo to work and straight home. theres a small amount of men still on the market, also divorced, you might find a friendship sort of situation. good luck.
Dating over 40 is much more difficult. Why would a man want an "older" woman with kids if he can date a younger one with no bagage?
This video is good. So many “counselors” focus on the “what to do” after the other person pulls away, but this one truly helped me understand the real logic behind it, as well as what it actually means to myself.
As a result of my own attachment style and previous toxic (even traumatic) relationships, recently I’ve been focusing on how to attract her, to a point where anxiety ate me alive and I lost my balance.
Thank you Matthew, from the bottom of my heart, for creating this video. I’ve suffered from this same issue for so many times with different people, now I finally have clarity. Thank you!
I’m gonna come back and watch this a lot more time while I work on myself.
I left from a guy I was dating recently that "pulled away" because I simply wanted him to place phone calls to me when we weren't together on a date vs. texts ( I felt like a text buddy or something) He chose to go silent after I stated my intersests and I told him in a audio text, which I see was the only way to get through to him, if he chooses silence good looking out. He chose that. I'm so grateful for God protecting me from this man that was just a hurt man telling me he would hurt me too.
I have tried sth like this before, move on sis! you deserve better
Many relationship coaches tell you don‘t chase, but the beginning of this video explains very clearly why. Thank you.
Wow. I just went through this cycle ending last night. I can’t believe how hard this hits home and makes me feel better. This is such a sobering take on what i am going through. Thank you.
I am in this situation. Now I’m getting myself out of it. You think it would be obvious to ppl to walk away when they pull away, but the trends say otherwise. Learned so much from this video. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I’m struggling.
@@Leaveitalone1382 What are you struggling with, my friend?
If you're putting in effort for someone, and they stop putting in effort for you, the best thing you can do is mirror that behavior. Don't be an ass about it. Don't brush them off. If they're acting like they don't have as much time for you, then find things to fill those gaps of time. Don't sit by the phone waiting for them to call or text. Go out with your friends. Join a club. Find a new activity, or try something you've always thought of doing. Just do something to take your mind off of them a little. So if they keep up that behavior and keep pushing you away, you won't be as clingy, because believe me, begging and being clingy and trying to "prove your worth" to someone never works. Have value in yourself. If you constantly think you have to prove yourself to that person, work on improving yourself outside of them so you feel better about who you are as an individual. Not only will this make it much easier if they are a commitment-phobe and they walk away, but it also gives you the best chance of them finding value in you again. When someone is always at your beck and call, and you feel like you can just text them whenever you're lonely, and suddenly when you text them on a Saturday night at the last minute and they either don't respond until later because they were out doing stuff or respond with "Sorry hun, I'm out with my friends at the hockey game", you start to realize this person isn't someone you should keep taking for granted. This is someone who has a life outside of you and if you keep pulling away, they're not going to chase after you. And if they realize that and don't care, then you were better off without them anyway
thank u so much for this
Well written! thanks!!!
Great Comments and experiences from others help a lot!
I don't know why Matthew Hussey videos showed up in my recommendation feed, but I watched one, then I watched a second video and a third. Although his target audience is women, a lot of the messages in his videos are universal. I really enjoy his common sense advice and his optimistic view on relationships between men & women.
Thank you so much! And at this stage, regardless of the gender in the title, they are for everyone! ♥️
@@thematthewhussey Absolutely true, your videos are for everyone. I focused on men and women in my comment because of what I see being consumed by young men: black, red pill, MGTOW, alpha vs beta male, etc advice videos. I don't know if it's Matthew or a social media manager who reads/replies to comments, but I feel that young men would really benefit from your/Matthew's advice.
This describes my life 100%. The person whom I thought was my soulmate just ripped my heart out of my chest when without a hesitation abandoned me when he promised me over and over that he would never leave me. For the first time in my life I loved someone with every ounce of my body and treated them like a king, only for them to discard me like trash without warning for nothing that I have done wrong.
My mistake was not guarding my heart and giving my whole heart to someone that did not value me, and now I realize that he did not deserve me. I also realize that he played me and that he never truly loved me. I was never his soulmate even though he claimed I was... And watching this video has made me realize that I did not value myself. Because if I did, I would not have taken him back the first time he left. Even though the first time he came running back after an hour saying he realized he can't live a life without me and he would never abandon me again, I should not have taken someone back after they showed me that they did not value me in the first place... Although I will work on myself and love myself more and learn to value myself more, I will never trust and give anyone my heart again. Never... 💔
Your mistake was not to “not guard your heart”. If you guard your heart too much you will be suspicious of things that might not need suspicion and you will be the creator of the outcome you are most afraid of. The problem exists way earlier in the process. It’s about understanding people and evaluating someone’s character, spotting qualities and weaknesses, realizing whether someone is genuine or just says what you want to hear. You don’t have a heart problem, you have a problem reading and understanding people fully. Because if you did, you would’ve fallen in love with a person worthy of your heart and then you wouldn’t have to guard it.
Never say Never. ... just you must be cautious. And not foolish. X
Love yourself before a man can love you I hope that is true I hope one day I do find a man that loves me that would be a miracle I pray everyday
In the beginning of this video I was nervous. Ik I struggle with low self-esteem. HOWEVER!! By the end of this video I just realized how much I have grown. I feel that I don’t have low self esteem around people who don’t make me feel inferior. Sometimes it’s their strong facade or hot and cold behavior but either way it’s something I no longer feel the need to fight for. My first instinct to communicate my concerns (even though it’s extremely hard for me) and leave if no positive change has occurred. I am starting to see that sooner and I’m starting to be more sure of my decisions sooner. It is definitely taking time but I’m happy to have this video as validation. Thanks so much for this post!!!
Thank you Matthew- I so needed to hear this today. You are a gem for the all the women going through relationship problems. Loved that part when you said “ I may have given you my best but now that you are unsure , you become unworthy of all the wonderful things that I was giving you. Yes I may be attracted to you but I am far more attracted to the life I want for myself “ One of your best videos -God bless you 🙏💐
I've read a number of relationship books, talked to an array of therapists and marriage counselors, and I've never heard this perspective. You summarized my situation of getting back into the dating field after the end of a long marriage. I'm so curious to check out your other stuff now. Thank you very much.
So great to hear Bob. Thank you
@@thematthewhussey 🙏🏿 thank you
I wish I could like this clip 1000 times. Such gold presented throughout this especially for some of us women who sometimes feel at the mercy of a man's whims. 'Someone's uncertainty about you should be an indicator of their lack of value to you' #BARS
I feel like I went to therapy after this video. After your pause, I was writing every single word you said down to really get it stuck in my brain. Thank you for this amazing video, a real eye-opener.
Me too! I never do that either. This one was gold
Probably the best advice for relationships I’ve ever seen in a video. Spot on. I finally see where I went wrong and I definitely undervalued myself. It would be a good part 2 video to maybe discuss what makes people undervalue themselves. What past experiences bring people to lower their standards to chase after someone that they might be attracted to or have chemistry with but they bring zero to the table. I based everything on how this person made me feel after years of not feeling anything with someone else. And that was so wrong. Thank you for this video.
Currently dealing with this right now. This message was timely. I have the conversation already basically telling there are consequences. I am glad this video supports what I think and did
Hey, how did it go? I have the opinion that it shouldn’t be a conversation about consequences, but consequences applied through appropriate action. Stop investing what you are investing, completely or gradually. A talk should be the ultimate consequence - a breakup. You should always communicate your wants and needs, and wishes though. Your partner not respecting those, or not giving you what you want, is already them communicating to you. You just communicate back, through actions though. And you have to mean it, even risking them breaking up with you. Good luck.
Thank you. I deserve someone who values what I have to offer.
I just wish I'd watched it a month ago before he dumped me!
"I'm attracted to you, but I'm far more attracted to the life I want for myself."
THIS
Seriously I’ve been so messed up recently and watching this has just SNAPPED me back to reality 😂❤️ amazing thank you🎉🎉🎉❤
No fr ❤
on god me to
Exactly omg