Reasons - U feel lonely & don't have many people to talk to, spend time with. Therefore, this person becomes the centre of your world cz he/she is the only one giving you a little bit of attention - Ure in touch with them all the time, hence habituated - U don't invest enough time & energy in your own goals & hobbies - U seek validation from others instead of being confident about what u bring to the table - They're (most probably) not reciprocating, so you end up chasing (and hurting) more. You're stuck in this loop & not determined enough to go no-contact - U fear letting go & embracing solitude, so you'd much rather hang on to pain that feels familiar (pls don't do this)
This video saved me... I was about to fall into my old pattern over a guy I've met only for two weeks. I was getting sad when he doesn't text me back. But I know this "connection" does not warrant this kind of reaction. So I know it is my trauma response, from a fear of being abandoned again. Thank you Matthew for teaching me how to tap into my own inner child's voice. You have no idea how this would change the way that I think from now on!
I checked out this site and found a book that really resonated with me. It's been such a great read so far thank you for the recommendation! I'm hoping it helps me gain more confidence around women.
You can work on this, inch by inch. Don’t give up hope. With the right tools, and the right person being compassionate and understanding to the healing you are doing, you can improve on the behaviors that have hurt you and self sabotaged in the past. Keep giving yourself compassion. And know that it can get better. We are all rooting for you!
@@thematthewhussey this is such a beautiful response. I have noticed a dramatic shift in your content over the years, your content feels more loving, compassionate and coming from a spiritually grounded space. I would love to see a video on your own journey.
18:47 "even if this person doesn't text back we are still gonna be okay we've been okay in the past and this person isn't the most important person in the world, we're just afraid " ... Amazing! Therapeutic.
I used to be this way. I think it’s because I didn’t feel whole and I was looking for someone to fill in the emptiness I felt. I decided to find myself and discover who I truly am. I have a new respect for myself now and if I never find someone I will be okay. Do I want a partner to share life with? Yes. Will I be fine if I don’t find someone? Yes.
Mee too same...I will be fine if I don't get someone to share my life with...coz I came to know now I'm whole nd fulfilled nd need to continue the same..only I can complete myself as whole nd lifepartner is just an addition to it.
"That anxiety is gonna follow you to the next person" ...hit me so hard bc so real... Looking forward to the stage where I'll break free from that loop 🤞🏽
🗣"The obsession that we have for this person in dating is nothing more than the expression of that internal anxiety and that need that wants to be met." ❗️
It’s hurts to think of life without my boyfriend, I never imagined it would get to this point where I would let go. I know im not supposed to write this here but I’m gradually loosing myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m still holding unto the beautiful moments we shared and I hope that he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t shake the memories. I tried everything to get him back, from reaching out to friends for advice to even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I came across this fatherabulu who came through for me and helped get my man back.
I’m debating whether i should break up with my boyfriend of less than a year. I know he isn’t a problem, but it’s his parents and lack of independence. Although I love him, maybe in reality it wasn’t love but just me getting with the next person that gave me attention and now all his flaws are really showing
The worst part is when you may have found the awesome person but your anxiety pushed them away. They try to be good with you, but damn this anxiety keep getting bigger as they start tolerating you little bit more and finally they give up and start ghosting. It becomes worse than worse. 🙁
My ex pushed me away. I didn't ghost but it was an abrupt breakup that was a long time coming. Trust me when I say it's heartbreaking to love someone deeply who is pushing you away and then being accused of distancing. You start to feel like you're causing the pain and aren't the right person to help them heal... And then it's like you're put in the position of choosing between sacrificing yourself for the relationship vs making a healthy choice for your boundaries and needs but ultimately hurting both of you like hell. I'm still not over my ex and it's been months... I really wish he'd been able to heal that anxiety enough to not let it control him. I didn't need him to be perfect. I just needed to see that it wasn't going to grow resentment between us 🫤
This is sooo me, like right now there is this guy that I'm obsessed with, and I can't stop thinking about him. I'm always waiting for his text and when he doesn't text back, my day gets ruined in an instant. I really want to get rid of this anxious attachment cause I'm always worried and relying on his attention to be happy is not healthy at all. Watching this video has helped me to see that it is just anxiety and that I should love me more, but I still want to get rid of this anxious attachment.
I have a history of putting the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. I have just met someone after keeping myself single for the last 12 years because I was heartbroken. I wasn't heartbroken for 12 years, I hasten to add, but I kept myself "safe" for all those years. I'm in danger of repeating this old pattern, so I really needed this particular video today. Thank you Matthew.
@@elizabethcolantoni689 oh I completely understand. This video has helped me to try and keep things in perspective...if I find the anxiety creeping in again , I will watch it again. I don't know how old you are... I'm 58 and I say to myself...."well...this new guy you've met, you've managed life without him for 58 years....so calm tf down." That's literally what I say and I try to keep some humour about it all. Wishing you all the best. Xx
I also stopped dating for 10 years because I wanted to protect myself from toxic people. But when I started dating again the first person I dated was a covert narcissist. You must held first or you will keep repeating the cycle.
I have really bad anxious attachment to people I'm romantically interested in, and despite decades of therapy it hasnt changed. I'm very self-aware of the problem and I'm better at establishing boundaries these days but the anxiety and the "need" doesn't go away. It feels like i'll always be like this. I've been told to "love/find/complete myself" first but it's really abstract advice.
It’s so hard I totally understand. I am the same, I want to give love but I also have learned to love myself. It’s hard when you want as much love and connection from someone else that you give to them. It’s a constant struggle to have to keep myself in check so I don’t get too attached to them.
I can relate in that until this year where I had to spend a lot of 2024 working on myself alone for a long time. What do you think are the common trends in your relationships?
This is so true. Sometimes, we don’t fall for the real person but for the version we create in our minds-one that meets our needs and fills our voids. But that illusion rarely matches who they truly are
The anxiety won’t just follow you from person to person. It will follow you in each stage of the relationship with the same person. Bro that is a wild idea! Love the awareness you shed on that fundamental.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
I'm facing significant relationship problems and can't stand the idea of losing him. My love and longing for my partner are profound, and I'm ready to do anything to restore our connection. I would greatly appreciate any advice or help you could give.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I always have one person in my circle that I am obsessed with, thinking they are the person that can make me feel safe. I didn‘t experience safety in my childhood, it was an environment of arguments and pressure to perform. Anything the person says or does controls how I am feeling, if I have a bad day, and they say something nice, everything is great again. I also have a pattern of doing everything for them. This has been going on for years with various unavailable people so much so that I now am really hesitant to meet new people because I am afraid I will lose myself instantly once I start liking them.
I have a Girl in my social circle that likes Me very much...and I Like Her of course,but She's kinda play it cool while at the same time I can see how much I mean to Her and We have amazing connection and chemistry.Girls can be difficult.
Have been there. Don't avoid people but do baby steps. Also it should be balanced. If you made a step let the other person make a step. Like the video of Matthew with the castle. Or the video "attention doesn't mean intention". These videos help me. Today I'm happy married but I know how it feels because I have been there too. And guys who have been avoiding have been like a drug. But when it's the real deal it's easy and no confusion...
@@Neso-be2ljThen make a first step and ask her out alone. If she refuses then move on. If she doesn't know what she wants, she unfortunately not the one... Hopefully it works for you
Your story sounds difficult and painful, but the fact that you’re Aware of it, can vocalize and Reflect on it is Amazing!! I would recommend to do some real therapy with a good psychologist to help you overcome and heal your past trauma. There is Nothing wrong with you, you got hurt in the past, but that doesn’t mean you need to hide or mistrust or avoid future relationships. Contrary - a good healthy person will help/show you the medicine of your own strength and love and care. Find friends or therpy/self education and you’ll heal 💜
I relate to that last part so much. Sometimes I choose not to connect rather than try to make a new friend or romantic relationship because I don’t want to become this ogre of ugliness that is a manifestation of the insecurities and flaws inside of me.
“Create a home within myself”… a home, something I’ve never had, at least haven’t felt it… i’m so crying right now… this video touched me deeply. ❤ Thank you so much, Matt ❤
Matthew, my man! What a video! Couldn’t have come in a better time. I’ve been going to this gym and a few weeks ago I noticed a girl that I was attracted to. Every so often we see each other there and say a quick hello. Yesterday was a big day for me, I was determined to get her number. I got there, saw her, we talked for a while and she was very friendly and seemed interested. I asked for her number and she said yes. Quick note, I had never in my life had done anything like that before so that alone was a big win for me! A few hours later when I got home and sent her a text and she hasn’t responded yet. First thing that comes to my mind is exactly what you covered in this video. “Oh, I must have said something wrong”, “I don’t think she likes me” and all of those thoughts. Watching this video made me realize how obsessed I am with this person that I don’t even really know yet! I feel like a did my part and I’m gonna move on and do other things like you said in the video. Thank you so much for that! PS.: I gifted your book to my sister and she’s absolutely loving it. I can’t wait to read it as well! Cheers from Brazil!
@@thematthewhussey thank YOU, man! I never thought you’d see or even reply to my comment in this sea of great comments! Really appreciate it. The story continues though. She did text me back but in a very friendly and distant way. Back at the gym she was talking about the new job she was starting today so I texted her saying good luck and stuff. She replied saying thanks and to tie everything in a pretty bow she ends the text with a hug. Which here in Brasil we say that between two guy friends. I guess the message is pretty clear. It’s funny how in person she seemed really interested and engaged in the conversation. Not really sure what to do now. I guess I’ll move on. I don’t think sending another text asking her out would be the right move here. Just wanted to share how the story ended. Thanks again for everything! Cheers!
@@lucasbittar good for you handling your emotions with mental clarity, strategy and self reflection! Congrats on overcoming your feer of rejection and asking her for her number - that’s healthy confidence and a Normal way to engage with people around us - to simply talk and ask if we want something. She was likely feeling the same- nervous, happy to get attention from a nice confident guy like you! So if she’s not totally incompetent, she replied in a chatty way (which you anxiously explained as “she’s into me too” while she as polite and sharing her job details just to socialize. There is nothing wrong in this exchange. Asking a girl for a number doesn’t mean she has to go crazy over you instantly. It seems to me like this could be the best way to get to know her first! Don’t rush! Don’t ask her out or move on!! I would advise you take her reply of “friends hug” as a positive response of “I feel safe to start a friendship/to know you more.” She’s emotionally healthy and not jumping into a “date” just because you asked her a number. Talk to her in the gym next time and get to know her as a friend first! Good luck 🤞
@@pavlovaalex thank you so much for the reply and advice! That’s a really good point you brought up. I feel I was indeed rushing into thinking if we’re talking then she must be interested so let’s set up a date as soon as possible. Maybe taking things slow is the best way to go. Unfortunately she’s just started a new job this week as a personal trainer in another gym but she told me she’d still go to the same gym as well another time of the day. Let’s see how this goes. Thanks again!
Oh my gosh, this really hit home for me. I totally thought I was a secure person until I got into a relationship with an avoidant who love bombed me then withdrew and kept me at arms length which made me feel unsafe and anxious about things. Matthew thank you for this video and the tips to help with this. Never again do I want to become so obsessed and invest so much just out or fear of losing them then they become my whole world and then they just discard me like I didn’t even matter.
You have saved me...Being torn between wanting the person to provide me with the validation and the fear of myself having this kind of need from someone I barely know is painful.
I recently lost my life partner of 20 years due to his passing away in October. I randomly met a new person and felt a profound sense of relief immediately because I was dreading being alone and I knew that being single in my 40's was going to be much harder than being single in my 20's had been. I clutched onto this man for dear life but he did nothing to deserve the level of affection I tried to give him. Neither one of us was ready for it, honestly. He was honest with me and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I was way more upset by this than I should have been. And now, I feel like I missed out on getting to know a really great guy because I was trying to move too fast. I put responsibility on him to make ME feel better about myself and to distract me from my grief. No wonder he felt the need to shut it down. Even if I didn't actually come out and say what I was thinking he could likely feel my weird energy.
“This person isn’t the most important person in the world; we’re just afraid. And that’s okay.” Thank you Matt. For some reason that part really stuck with me. I have done a lot of self reflecting over the past few days and realized that my anxiety is a result of neglect or fear of abandonment that I experienced as a child. It’s been a struggle but I feel like I’m starting to understand myself better and in that, it’s becoming easier to let go and let myself be free. Thank you.
wasted time but it's not always too late to change. those darkest time will be a big lesson in your life. been through some wasted years in lyfe bc of my broken heart and it was really the darkest time fighting with yourself and bad thought infesting the mind. But I'm sure you will prevail. :)
I just met a girl last week and got her number. After four days of not texting her I finally did, and a day later she texted me back. It went okay, but then I said something about hoping to see her soon, and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been two days. I ended up deleting her number yesterday after watching some videos by Matthew and other people. I felt like I was being consumed by the situation. If she’s really interested, she’ll hit me up, but in the meantime I feel like it’s best for me to really lean into my career and passions. That being said, my going no contact is not about trying to get her interested again, but it’s about recentering myself to be good regardless of whether she’s interested or not.
You need to watch his videos about overinvesting too soon. You barely know her, how are you going “no contact”? That’s a dramatic way to phrase not chasing someone you just met and don’t know at all, who’s being unresponsive to you.
@philipcallado5693 have you considered that she is thinking if Phillip is really interested in her, Phillip will contact her and ask her out on an in-person date? It's not too late. Take the chance. You have not blown it. Tell her you are interested in taking her out on a date. Walk in the park. Ice cream. Roller skating. Bicycle ride. Coffee. Boba tea. Ask her out and get face-time with her. Shoot your shot. Girls like boldness.
Thank you! Just went on a first date with a guy he seemed really into me and we even planned a second date in a couple of weeks. But he's not texting me like he was. so of course it makes me worry he's losing interest. But listening to this helps me remember this is not my first rodeo and if it's not meant to be I will be fine.
hoooly shitt that inner child sitting in the back of the car may sound cheezy but it was actually so helpful to understand. Really thankful for this video
The lack of self love due to obsession does destroy you emotionally and mentally but acceptance of the situation for the way the situation is that is our only way to escape this obsession of someone who doesn't even care or even love us❤️
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
How could you possibly love some one you drug along for FIVE years... If you valued her so much and saw her as your sole life partner you would have married her long before then. What did you expect... She Saw Her Worth, You Didn't.
Saved this to my IMPORTANT playlist because I get attached too quickly, probably on the idea of what they could be instead of what they are to ME and their actions. This is so so needed. Thank you
I broke up with my bf about 10 days ago, i couldn't stop crying and my sister sent me your breakup video and wow I can't believe how much strength it gave me. And then I found your no contact video and that also helped. But this clip about anxiety has really spoken to me. I feel incredibly empowered and strong at the moment. I still feel full of despair when I wake up in the morning, but then I watch one of your clips and they're like magic, dispersing the fog in my brain and making me see clearly. So thank you so, so much x
@@lukeiamyourfather6947 Why would you ask that of a person who is clearly making the hard choice to move on? And feels empowered from it? If a relationship has gotten to the point of needing to break contact, then sure you can reassure yourself with 'I can always reach out if I want to, but I choose not to, because I've learned that I won't get consistently get what I need' and things of the like, and you can think of what flaws this conflict brought out in you. But clearly the focus needs to be on teaching yourself that the world doesn't end without them, and that you choose to deny the other person access to you from now on.
This is me to a tee and has been for many years. I have actually stepped away from volunteering for three weeks because I am obsessing over a great guy I work with but doesn't want to go for coffee or jazz. Now I can talk lovingly to myself, remember the safety that alluded me as a child, gently tell myself I will be OK and tell myself to STOP. This has been so life-changing. Thank you Matt.
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. I have experienced exactly this over the past two weeks. Met a woman where it felt as though we hit it off from the start, but she has a lot going on and she told me this. We went on a date and it was great and these anxious rumination thoughts started going through my head. Communication dropped off completely from her side after the date. I’ve beaten myself up about it of what I’ve done wrong, whereas taking a step back it’s a timing thing. I bought my best self to the date and the right one will come along. The Peter Pan analogy in the last chapter of your book is a very powerful one relating to this.
This video just gave me the tools because I do it - I anxiously ruminate all the time. I am 38 and I find myself needing validation and attention and and and from not just men but people in general and its annoying because I am so much more than that so thank you, Matthew
Part of limerence...state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship. I usually know that it's a hard crush that if, eventually, not reciprocated will be snapped out by icks. If reciprocated will be fed by breadcrumbs...
This all is becoming a bit of a wack job and lacking the mystery of faith in love and life’s outcomes. I’m not saying be wreckless and irresponsible but. How many of our parents and grandparents are married 50 + years bc of limerence and early obsession and just committing to and on building a life together aware of how they themselves may or may not change over time. Having all these predetermined self directed isms leaves no room for expanding life but by searching for someone who is okay with how unshakable you’ve already built your castle and can’t make a new one with you. If I’m so set in my ways I can only find someone who either is exactly like that or we still decide together to let some shit go and decide together.
@@sunflowerpower642 I agree... just saying this new age with "more options" and so many people lacking of intimacy sometimes is difficult to realize if its love for the other person or in love with the idea of someone. And after that fase ends we cant figure out how we got interested in first place as there was less in common that the divergences. Though is true in previous generations people will long wait and be more romantic in that wait...once again we cant separate that before women would married for financial security and men would married to have someone to take care of the house hold while they were working. A lot of people settle and regret. A lot of old folks stayed married cause they couldn't get divorce. Not everyone find they soul mate... not everyone realizes that they create an image of the other that are not the reality and their object of love will never turn to be what they want and/or need.
You make it sound so easy. When I am obsessed with someone i cannot do what I like because I like nothing. Like everything that I use to love doing has lost its colours. I cannot just create a good life on my own because I already have one. I know very well what this is and I can even feel whether it is love or not. Yet still cannot take myself out of this sensation. Doing everything possible for a man who doesn't care. I have been to therapy for many years however it was not really helpful. I am getting better and now that I skipped therapy and looked for alternatives. Which i found in knowing release-techniques. At this old age of 54 i had quite a big breakthrough last week. I had met my first clear narc. Which a friend directed me to see. He was very manipulating right from the start and at times very nasty. Cold in his heart yet also very physically very attractive to me. BUT I ENDED IT BEFORE IT REALLY BEGAN. Even though he pushed all my buttons. But I SAW IT. And I ended it. But I was also in limerence for too many hours and days. I have had good partners where the sensation vanished completely after a while. So for me this empty, nagging sensation CAN go away.
Oh my goodness did I need this today! One day of no texting and my anxiety has skyrocketed. Memories of past relationships came flooding back. But hearing you talk about a need Matthew is absolutely right. All the while I’m panicking over whether I should text him and overthinking all the possibilities, I’m forgetting that it’s just a need. And it’s okay to have that. I’m okay, and I can soothe myself without sabotaging a good think. Thank you so much for this 💖
wow, i feel like you spoke directly to me! thankyou so much for your wise reminders. i have been in a romantic friendship for a few weeks. we have been talking everyday since and we are trying to hold our excitement the best we can but we are both in the early stages of recovering from self neglecting. this weekend she was behaving distant and i was getting worried about that. i needed her reasurance so so bad but she told me straight up she just couldn't do that because she was feeling sick and was having a hard day herself. i had a panick attack with extreme anger and crying alot. even tho it felt like a nightmare because i felt like i ruined our friendship, im glad it happened because it showed me i have a lot of work to do with my abandomnent fear. your video is so helpful right now i love the tips on how to create a home withing yourself. defenitly buying your book and listening to your podcast now!
Oh. It’s interesting to find out that nearly all of my thoughts and actions are guided by my anxiety. I thought I was a little crazy. I’ve known this person for about a month, and since the day we met I’ve been obsessing over him.
As a preface, I'm a therapist. This is gold, Matthew. You have just done an incredible service for all of the anxiously attached people who watch this. You knocked it out of the park! Thank you.
thank you so much for this video -- but what are we supposed to do if we are in FACT very lonely and starved for relationships and connection? If we don't have many people to spend time with, what are we supposed to do? Not long for connection? The world we live in today doesn't help us solve this fundamental crisis: PEOPLE ARE LONELY.
I would say find new relationships by doing activities you enjoy. If you have too many needs that are not met, nobody, whoever they are, will be able to meet them all. You have to start reducing the load of unmet need little by little. Go to a sports class, cooking lesson, charity, hiking group or whatever activity you love so that you are sure you are going to enjoy it even if the people there are not friend material. Do it until you find people to talk to, to create something with, a community to spend time with (you already have common passion so you will have things to talk about) Then, when you have found good friendships and connexions and you already diminished the number of your unmet needs, only then, you start looking for a life relationship. Building a life partnership when your own life is not stable/fullfilled is the best way to create a non stable/unfullfilled partnership. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and I understand how difficult it is not to have a community to rely on. It can feel so hopeless to build up before even imagine having someone intimate in our life but it is like building anything. It takes times and you have to start with the floor and the walls before puting the roof on. You can do it! One step at a time, one activity at a time, one person at a time! Remember to be nice to yourself and to pace yourself! Lots of luck!
If you have found this video because you did or said something stupid and scared someone away, you're going in the right direction. You were in a state where your subconscious was at the controls. I am four weeks separated from realizing what was happening to me (could have used this video then!), and my anxiety has healed tremendously now that I am aware when my body goes into that state. Knowing the problem is most of the solution to solving it in this case. There's hope!
I have struggled with severe anxiety my whole life. This was very helpful. I was single & celibate 6 years, & I felt more secure alone than I do now that I’m in a relationship. It’s exactly as you said here, pre-existing anxious attachment. It always comes back! I’m working on my self confidence, loving myself even more …. because I don’t want to sabotage a good thing. Thank you!
I have been on a journey about this for a bit now, and all you talked about was spot on. Made a lot of sense, but what really hit me the most that I hadn’t thought about before, was your party analogy. Being willing to take just about anyone to provide a sense of comfort, and when we find ourselves so desperate to have that void fulfilled, that we lower any and every standard, and take anything or anyone. That’s a disaster. Because obviously it doesn’t come from a healthy place, and as you said that is exactly when toxic people (love bombers, narcissists etc) are welcomed with wide open arms into our lives.
I always feel like I HAVE to get the person I’m on a date with (whether I like them or not) to like me and it’s especially bad when I like them a lot. Then, if it’s not immediately reciprocated, this tension builds up in me and I don’t act normal or talk normal and especially just go blank and run out of things to say. Anyway, this video really spoke to me and I think will be a lot of help. I always love how you remind us how valued we are and that we all deserve love. Thank you Matthew.
I have a major fear of ending up alone in life. Recently just got broken up with and it’s completely my fault because I got too anxious and became too much and that’s not me. And I know it’s not me but for some reason I can’t help the self sabotaging I do when I am overwhelmed with those feelings. I just recently discovered you and everything you talk about has helped so much in discovering what I’m dealing with and I just appreciate it more than you know. I just hope I can apply all these tips so I don’t keep ruining relationships.
This man just said and explained everything I needed to know. I finally understood where my thoughts come from and why I feel like this. This video seems to have fallen from the sky directly for me. I hope this video will be seen by as many people as possible who have the same problem, because this video answered every single question I had. I understand myself better now. Thank you.
From years of following your teaching, you’re only getting better Matthew, it’s getting deeper and with more inner work. This is one of the best things I’ve heard from you, what I need to hear the most as at the age of 41, I finally understand and see my own patterns in dating. Crazy to have taken me this long, especially after countless books and podcasts , but FINALLY!!! Thank you for your continued work to lighten the world 🙏🏼💫✨🧡
Yes all of this! Wow. I just learned so much about why I’m in this pattern. I can feel that it isn’t the right place to be, but because I couldn’t articulate it, I didn’t know how to move away from it. Now I understand how to move away from it, and I’ll be doing that today. Thank you so much.
THIS IS THE MOST PEACEFUL, QUITE AND CLEAR I'VE FELT IN A WHILE. I've been blasting so much music to escape my brain that I can't thank you enough. I like this girl and recently all I had in my mind was why is she not texting me like before? what did I do wrong? am I not funny anymore? why did this happen to me? why do I never get liked by someone I truly like? All of this and to be honest I deep down knew this was some kind of a trauma because I have felt like this before for a girl. I deep down knew this was not healthy if I let this go on, so I'm taking a break from everything just focus on healing it for the next week and see how I feel. And if someone is taking their time to read this I thankyou for your time and I would really love any kind of suggestions. Wishing y'all a happy recovery.
This was quite validating, thank you. I can easily obsessively ruminate which causes me to attract narcissists and love bombers. I am aware and I work on it, and I’m happy to say I’ve gotten so much better at not letting this happen🙏
I had never found a video that understood me as well as this one did. Every single thing you said was a thought that had popped into my mind at one point. And I am just coming out of a relationship I sabotaged myself by being anxious, so listening to all of the reasons behind my obsession and insecurities really made me understand myself better, and even cry a little. Thank you so much for this content, you have no idea how much it helped me.
I’m 39 and have only recently been able to see how my anxious pattern with men originated in my childhood. My dad was always there and I had a general positive sense of him having been a good dad to me as a child, so it was only until I started looking into concrete memories of how I would try to get his attention and ended up not being acknowledged, how I used to feel in my heart that he was the coolest, funniest, most intelligent person on earth and wanted so bad to be like him and to be praised and truly SEEN by him, but it never really felt like he did, or not enough. Having seen that made me realize that I have kept trying to replicate that relationship with the men in my life, and it allowed me to connect to that inner child so in need of feeling really seen and loved by her dad and giving her what she was lacking.
The most difficult part is to balance out your anxious needs and actual healthy communication. Even when you recognized your anxious attachments and needs we often fall into their trap by either pushing them away or rather trying to not make them their problem and what needs actually need to be communicated. But, there’s hope. These anxiousnesses and needs and how to deal with them need to be trained. Recognizing them is merely the first step, how to deal with them, taking time to calm down and learning how they’re irrational in a healthy relationship takes time.
This does happen with me. For me I keep watching tarot love readings on youtube ( which are on nonstop supply) to 'know' what they might be thinking, their next move, their feelings...etc. this wastes my time and I spend days in this manner, neglecting every thing else which.might be imp or immediate. This video spoke to me. Thank you .
After a lifetime of love addiction and 4 years of abstinence i have met someone from 30 years ago out of the blue and this video couldn't be more timely. Thank you and good luck to everyone who finds themselves squirming with anxiety
OK, Matthew and team, this couldn’t have been timed better. I will try to share more in the community, but this happened to me over the weekend. I just “pulled the plug” on a potential hookup. So, I didn’t really lose anything major and my “anxiety” made me realise that I actually want connection.
@@Magamomma22245 Thank you. I was conscious enough going into this "relationship" but I got to discover that I do value way more a connection and myself.
Matthew, I have been watching your videos for 8 years now. When I found you I felt less lonely, I felt like there was hope for me. I am in a good place at the moment, I am still healing my inner wounds, but now I am aware that everyone deserves to be loved, and that love starts within oneself. The first step I took was litsening my inner voices and change them whenever they were mean to me. Now I treat myself with love, patience and respect. Me and everyone that watches you love the person you are and what you do for the world. Thank you for your hard work and kind heart.
Resonates..." we are not crazy...u have been through alot and are looking for safety because never had any...." how i wish we were understood this way :)
Ok, wow. I think this is my biggest problem overall in life, I tend to ruin everything else by disappointing myself with these stories I make up in my mind and I know that. And today I was feeling really down and thought to myself that it would be a good idea to listen to Matthew talk some sense into me and I arrive at your channel. This video was just uploaded under an hour ago. Damn, what a timing.
Thank you so much Matthew, you just safed me. I was so sad the guy i dated last week let me yesterday on read and my brain and thoughts went through the roof. Overthinking,overthinking and more overthinking. I had the wildest idears what happend. I never recognized that i have an anxious attachment style. And now i know how to handle my inner screaming anxious child. Thank you so much 🖤
Damn, thank you. When I think about my life I often forget that I survived really bad things and the funny thing is at that moment in my life even thou everything was falling apart I did my best, supported my loved ones and felt that inner strengh. I want to be that person once again. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we need to take step back to take care of ourselfes so that we can actually welcome someone to our heart
Your describing a Favorite Person for someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Someone with BPD had fear of abandonment and search for that comfort person who does literally what you describe. "I need you to do this and this when I need you to". And it doesn't have to be a significant other, it can be a family member but often times that is what helps cause it so we go for outsiders or people we like. That's why we struggle with relationships because it tends to become toxic because of that anxiety and fear of being abandoned being come across as controlling or jealousy or needy. Please if you have BPD, please know that your feelings are seen and you're not alone or abandoned. You will find someone, just have to stop looking and they will show up. I promise. I'm going through the same process and it takes a lot of inner work and self reflect
I’m going through this process right now. It’s hard and can get lonesome. It is a lot of inner work, but it’s worth it. I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I get sad sometimes that I’m almost 30 learning coping skills I should’ve learned when I was 5, but I’ve done everything in my life to survive to this day and I can’t blame that little girl for doing her best to survive. I know my future partner is doing the same thing as me right now and I can’t wait until we get to reap the benefits of all this hard work
This is so powerful. I feel like someone has written a book about me and they are basically reading it out loud. I want to get better. I don't like the way I am and I want to know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Thanks Mathew, this video has shown me a lot about myself
Matthew, from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for what you do. Whenever you upload something, I look for a safe space to sit down with my headphones and imagine that you’re talking to me directly. I guess that I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, although I’m not sure, but you don’t know how very much you have helped me throughout all these years. Blessings to you.
This video has touched me immensely. Divorced 5 yrs at the age of 56. I now understand what I have been doing all this time. Since turning 56, I have been on a spiritual journey to discover my true self. I am proud of my progress in healing those deep wounds of my childhood. I believe that I am ready to allow myself to try again to find love with your advice. I am gaining a clearer picture of my True Self and love what I see. My true love will find me and I will be ready
New watcher, going through therapy working on understanding my anxious/avoidant attachments. Whilst working on putting the parts of me back together! Just wanted to comment and say i absolutely love the truth you speak. In such a calming way. I know mine comes from childhood trauma. I hope in a few months I'll come back and watch this feeling a little more confident in the work im doing. To everyone out there struggling with attachments and relationships, you are worth being loved, you are worth having a good relationship but most of all you are worth loving yourself. Dont ever be afraid to seek help ❤its not a weakness its strength, were worth healing. Thank you dude great videos. 😊😊
Personally when I feel as though someone is special & we have a good connection I tend to start basing my whole life around them for us to spend all my time together. This video helped me see I have a need to please people and avoid loneliness at all costs. This doesn’t happen with everyone I date but I tend to choose people who are the most unsafe which I’ve noticed as well through this video. I understand the importance of self love and I’ve been on an ongoing journey to self discovery, self acceptance, & ultimately self love. I love your videos, you’re such a warm soul. Your compassion truly oozes from the screen!! Thank you for all your helpful words and advice.
Omg I needed to hear that, that's me... thankyou so much...I'm saving it so I can listen to it each time I feel that way.. I've been hurt in the past and I always feel alone and then someone comes along and I feel all of that 😅. Thankyou again x
Thank You so much. I needed to hear this. Coming out of a toxic marriage, 7 months into divorce. Found a special someone and I was acting out of anxiety. Thank You again
I’ve always been the type who never leaves the infatuation stage. I’ve got a lifelong friend who is the same way. We’ve gotten together occasionally, but the timing was never right. We are finally together. They were disgnosed with autism. In my desire to support them, I researched autism. The list of symptoms blew my mind. I have them all. We’ve both watched relationships fall apart and learned to do the work it takes to keep a relationship. The two of us together is the most amazing thing. We are in the deepest kind of child-like love. But in the meantime, we are both desperately careful to protect each others autonomy and respect. We communicate our needs and requirements clearly and with absolute clarity. I actually did the sabotage thing that I do when I am scared of vulnerability. They behaved so perfectly to deal with my irrationality and gave me time to accept that I had lied to hurt both of us. They make me better every day. I make them better sometimes. Being an infatuated person can be healthy for both yourself and your partner. Read up on relationship help. Go into couples therapy on day one. You can love madly, and you can be healthy
I feel this way to some extent about every one I interact with... I go to a Dr or dentist I like and the first thing I do is hope they don't die.... The video explains a lot about my anxiety
My grandma passed away recently under unfavorable circumstances. The loss added to my anxiety and I got attached to someone I met. This video has really helped me to evaluate my anxious rumination. Thank you for your video!
I never commented a YT video in my life but this hit me spot on! 🙏 I been single for over 10 years and had anxious attachment. I get obsessed immediately when I like someone, freak out, get my heart broken by love bombers etc etc. It’s such a relief to know that I am not weird and alone in this. It’s a real struggle to carry this anxiety, I am a highly functioning person in other areas in life but I kind of shut down the door for love so I don’t need to carry the anxiety, it’s sad. I wanted to cry in the end because it was so beautiful the part about taking care of your inner child. You are amazing Matthew, thank you for this 🥰
I broke down hearing this. You have given me such perspective and have saved me from being in the dark about all this and confused for why I do this. I am so glad I found this, you have changed my life for the better.
It’s funny, bc I stopped inner child work to date, and then you talk about creating a safe place within yourself and talking to your inner child, and I was like: Aha! We’re back to this! I love the part about being firm with the inner child and how you framed the rumination anxiety. I also appreciated that you spoke about how the anxiety and need is not meant to be met by the significant other. I feel like it’s a lie of modern culture that teaches that relationships are meant to fulfill every emotional need a person has. Thank you for this wisdom!
Thank you so much for this video! I cover up my lifelong anxiety pretty well to OTHERS - I have learned to overcompensate by being ‘over-involved’ with other people & being the valuable ‘gett’er done’ gal. But the underlying anxiety has always been there - and I never REALLY noticed it until recently.
Matthew always says this and said it in the comments on this video : our anxious attachment style is hard to navigate, but there is someone out there, who’s healthy or is actively working on being the healthiest version of themselves (like us), and they will give us grace. They will work with us. There are tons of people who will be unwilling to, and those just aren’t our people. And to be honest, they’re probably not people we’d want to be with. I think the people we “self sabotage” with are usually ones who don’t like having a partner with a lot of emotional needs period. Thats why we “push them away”. We are worthy of being loved. I’m so grateful for Matthew 💜
This video is pure gold. Especially love the part where Matthew says that we mislabel the feelings we have, as ai believe this is the main reason for our pain. And we do that in other situations as well. You know introverts say that being around people exhaust them, however I believe the exhaustion comes from the fact that their head is filled with fear and anxiety in regards to “what others think about me, did I say something stupid” which is a stressful and exhausting situation to be constantly in. It’s caused by the thoughts in our head solely, but we mislabel it as “I just don’t like being around people, people exhaust me”. So, no, we are not in love with the person we went on two dates with. We saw one or two good qualities (and let’s be honest, our bar is pretty low) and we made up the rest of their personality in our head. Not only that, but we also made up stories about having our needs met with them (same way as we make up stories in other social settings) imagining a life with them where all our needs of validation, security, consistency, love, etc will be met. And that’s exciting which we again mislabel as excitement towards the other person. In reality we are like little kids who daydream all day about living in fantasy land where all the needs are finally met. That’s why it hurts so much when this person leaves, we loose all our hopes of dreams and the life we would have had with them, and once again we are abandoned and reminded of how unworthy and unlovable we are. That hurt we also mislabel as hurt of missing the other person but it has nothing to do with them. That’s why it’s easy to fall for the love bombers, after all we’ve been wanting to hear those words for years, they are a promise we will get everything we yearn for. They give us the hope that finally we will be loved and accepted for who we are. But let’s be honest, is it reasonable for someone to be so infatuated with us on the third date? We like to think we are special but every guy who is actually looking for a partner takes things slow. And I also believe we are love bombers on our end as well, as how reasonable for us is to be ready to get into a relationship after two-three dates? Or be ready to say all the right things even though we feel like we mean them in the moment? We as anxiously attached are also ready to make promises we can’t keep just to get that sense of validation, exactly as the love bomber, who is looking also to get validation, just in another way. I think that’s why love bombers and anxiously attached people attract each other - it’s two sides of the same coin. Both are looking to meet their need of validation - one by wanting to get into a relationship just to feel chosen, and the other lovebombing again to meet their need of validation and feel chosen. That’s why the love bomber pursues you actively while you’re still not sure about him and leaves the moment you show you are hooked - his need of validation has been meet and he wants nothing more from you as he is too afraid to get into a relationship as that in the past caused him more pain. The same way the anxiously attached people pursues people when they are avoidant and looses interest if someone is consistent and reassuring - again their need of validation has been met, and getting into a relationship with someone secure is actually scary. This pattern is actually not easy to break but something you can do is keep a diary about your feelings, especially for the moments of high intensity. I guarantee reading them few moments later will make you say “I must have been out of mind to write all that”, as then you will have a different perspective. Also don’t expect that just knowing what you know now will help you break the pattern. It’s likely you’ll find yourself in at least 2-3 situations like this, but with each one you will gain more and more clarity until you are finally ready to break from it.
This video is designed for that piece of me that : consciously start diving in ruminating about what isn't necesssarely true and I keep going. I couldn't name it : I had a lot of self control but none for that piece of me. I am working it ou, exploring it : its a new piece to self master. Your video is helping me understanding anxiety one step further : It gives hopes I can fight it the right way and safely. so so so smart. Thank you Matthew Hussey.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Fantastic. This is a pattern that i fall into every time i really like someone, and my anxiety tends to push them away. Finding the safety within myself is the key. Don’t project my expectations of her. If it happens, great. If not, I’ll be fine because i live a rich and beautiful life. The right woman will show up at the right time, and my inner feeling of safety will allow that relationship to flourish.
Mathew, I’m a guy and I’ve been following you for years. I usually don’t comment on UA-cam videos, but this one in particular deserves it. You touched so many important things that many times we are unaware of. Thank you for this video and keep up the good work!! 👍🙏🎉
What spoke to me was that lovely statement about how because of us being unique in knowing our story exactly, we have the opportunity to provide compassion and understanding to ourselves. I am very harsh towards myself, so this was nice to hear and a great reminder of the power we have to love ourselves
You are truly just so awesome Matthew thank you for being you and out there for so many .. I’m a 60 year old struggling anxious attacher with a painfully broken heart …. for now it’s UA-cam for me and maybe your book .. I wish I lived in Florida!
Reasons
- U feel lonely & don't have many people to talk to, spend time with. Therefore, this person becomes the centre of your world cz he/she is the only one giving you a little bit of attention
- Ure in touch with them all the time, hence habituated
- U don't invest enough time & energy in your own goals & hobbies
- U seek validation from others instead of being confident about what u bring to the table
- They're (most probably) not reciprocating, so you end up chasing (and hurting) more. You're stuck in this loop & not determined enough to go no-contact
- U fear letting go & embracing solitude, so you'd much rather hang on to pain that feels familiar (pls don't do this)
I can totally relate to this!
This is so me! 😢
I have started working on myself.
TOTALLY!
Aabhar 🙏
this is spot on
This video saved me... I was about to fall into my old pattern over a guy I've met only for two weeks. I was getting sad when he doesn't text me back. But I know this "connection" does not warrant this kind of reaction. So I know it is my trauma response, from a fear of being abandoned again. Thank you Matthew for teaching me how to tap into my own inner child's voice. You have no idea how this would change the way that I think from now on!
SAMEEE
Omg! My same reality. You put it perfectly. Thank you for your response. Same exact for me. The abandonment issue. Totally!
@@christinekohler8866 you're not alone! We're strong, and we're healing slowly but surely❤️
This makes me so happy! Thank you for telling me. Keep going! ❤
Literally feel the same way! This video just made not go off the deep end 🙏🏼
It's really crazy that nobody talks about forbidden books on Revandles
Bad bot
I checked out this site and found a book that really resonated with me. It's been such a great read so far thank you for the recommendation! I'm hoping it helps me gain more confidence around women.
For me The worst thing is when you find a mentally healthy person but your anxiety makes you self-sabotage.😢
You can work on this, inch by inch. Don’t give up hope. With the right tools, and the right person being compassionate and understanding to the healing you are doing, you can improve on the behaviors that have hurt you and self sabotaged in the past. Keep giving yourself compassion. And know that it can get better. We are all rooting for you!
Thanks u so much I am trying 🙏🙏🙏 is a hard journey
anxiety is really the thief of joy and confidence :( I feel you buddy
@@thematthewhussey this is such a beautiful response. I have noticed a dramatic shift in your content over the years, your content feels more loving, compassionate and coming from a spiritually grounded space. I would love to see a video on your own journey.
@@lg9050 yesss to this
LOL he had me at "The anxiety transfers to What if they die??" because that's so true for me haha
😂 Yeah I thought that was pretty funny too. So final!
Same 😂 thank you Matthew
😂😂😂 That line got me too. But I thought he was going to say “The anxiety transfers to what if they don’t want to get married”
😂so true
18:47 "even if this person doesn't text back we are still gonna be okay we've been okay in the past and this person isn't the most important person in the world, we're just afraid " ... Amazing! Therapeutic.
I used to be this way. I think it’s because I didn’t feel whole and I was looking for someone to fill in the emptiness I felt. I decided to find myself and discover who I truly am. I have a new respect for myself now and if I never find someone I will be okay. Do I want a partner to share life with? Yes. Will I be fine if I don’t find someone? Yes.
How did you go about finding yourself?
I am the same way. It took a lot of work to reach this level of contentment. I'm 43 and I finally figured this out.
Mee too same...I will be fine if I don't get someone to share my life with...coz I came to know now I'm whole nd fulfilled nd need to continue the same..only I can complete myself as whole nd lifepartner is just an addition to it.
Love it
What did you do? How did you find yourself? I am 48!!@@samarraouf3534
"That anxiety is gonna follow you to the next person" ...hit me so hard bc so real... Looking forward to the stage where I'll break free from that loop 🤞🏽
🗣"The obsession that we have for this person in dating is nothing more than the expression of that internal anxiety and that need that wants to be met." ❗️
It’s hurts to think of life without my boyfriend, I never imagined it would get to this point where I would let go. I know im not supposed to write this here but I’m gradually loosing myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m still holding unto the beautiful moments we shared and I hope that he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t shake the memories. I tried everything to get him back, from reaching out to friends for advice to even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I came across this fatherabulu who came through for me and helped get my man back.
Wow, this really lifted my spirit.
How do I get in touch with this fatherabulu
It’s so easy, his handle is Fatherabulu just talk to him about it Trust me he’s a very good listener and gives good therapy too.
Thank u so much🙏 indeed sharing problems brings solution
Im so grateful
I’m debating whether i should break up with my boyfriend of less than a year. I know he isn’t a problem, but it’s his parents and lack of independence. Although I love him, maybe in reality it wasn’t love but just me getting with the next person that gave me attention and now all his flaws are really showing
The worst part is when you may have found the awesome person but your anxiety pushed them away. They try to be good with you, but damn this anxiety keep getting bigger as they start tolerating you little bit more and finally they give up and start ghosting. It becomes worse than worse. 🙁
You're not anxious-attached. You're avoidant-attached. Search for it on UA-cam
My ex pushed me away. I didn't ghost but it was an abrupt breakup that was a long time coming. Trust me when I say it's heartbreaking to love someone deeply who is pushing you away and then being accused of distancing. You start to feel like you're causing the pain and aren't the right person to help them heal... And then it's like you're put in the position of choosing between sacrificing yourself for the relationship vs making a healthy choice for your boundaries and needs but ultimately hurting both of you like hell. I'm still not over my ex and it's been months... I really wish he'd been able to heal that anxiety enough to not let it control him. I didn't need him to be perfect. I just needed to see that it wasn't going to grow resentment between us 🫤
This is sooo me, like right now there is this guy that I'm obsessed with, and I can't stop thinking about him. I'm always waiting for his text and when he doesn't text back, my day gets ruined in an instant. I really want to get rid of this anxious attachment cause I'm always worried and relying on his attention to be happy is not healthy at all. Watching this video has helped me to see that it is just anxiety and that I should love me more, but I still want to get rid of this anxious attachment.
Talk to your little girl within - she will answer you and shower her with love
@@Leadbellie?
I have a history of putting the key to my happiness in someone else's pocket. I have just met someone after keeping myself single for the last 12 years because I was heartbroken. I wasn't heartbroken for 12 years, I hasten to add, but I kept myself "safe" for all those years. I'm in danger of repeating this old pattern, so I really needed this particular video today. Thank you Matthew.
You’re so welcome ❤
I stayed single for 11 years for the same reason. Just met someone and have the anxiety issue.
@@elizabethcolantoni689 oh I completely understand. This video has helped me to try and keep things in perspective...if I find the anxiety creeping in again , I will watch it again. I don't know how old you are... I'm 58 and I say to myself...."well...this new guy you've met, you've managed life without him for 58 years....so calm tf down." That's literally what I say and I try to keep some humour about it all. Wishing you all the best. Xx
I also stopped dating for 10 years because I wanted to protect myself from toxic people. But when I started dating again the first person I dated was a covert narcissist. You must held first or you will keep repeating the cycle.
I have really bad anxious attachment to people I'm romantically interested in, and despite decades of therapy it hasnt changed. I'm very self-aware of the problem and I'm better at establishing boundaries these days but the anxiety and the "need" doesn't go away. It feels like i'll always be like this. I've been told to "love/find/complete myself" first but it's really abstract advice.
I swear I feel the same way.
It’s so hard I totally understand. I am the same, I want to give love but I also have learned to love myself. It’s hard when you want as much love and connection from someone else that you give to them. It’s a constant struggle to have to keep myself in check so I don’t get too attached to them.
You just gotta find someone else with anxious attachment lol
I can relate in that until this year where I had to spend a lot of 2024 working on myself alone for a long time.
What do you think are the common trends in your relationships?
I am not exaggerating when I say this is the most important video I have ever watched and explained 35 years of struggles. Thank you!
This might be one of the most important videos on UA-cam for our times...
Indeed Obsession is a bottomless ditch towards failure.😢
This is so true. Sometimes, we don’t fall for the real person but for the version we create in our minds-one that meets our needs and fills our voids. But that illusion rarely matches who they truly are
100%, I’ve tried to put a square peg into a round hole several times.
The anxiety won’t just follow you from person to person. It will follow you in each stage of the relationship with the same person. Bro that is a wild idea! Love the awareness you shed on that fundamental.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
I'm facing significant relationship problems and can't stand the idea of losing him. My love and longing for my partner are profound, and I'm ready to do anything to restore our connection. I would greatly appreciate any advice or help you could give.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I'II quickly search for him online. Thank you.
I'm optimistic that taking this approach will yield results for me as well; his absence is keenly felt.
I promise you will not regret it.
I just searched for Father Akunna online. impressive thank you so much one again ❤
I always have one person in my circle that I am obsessed with, thinking they are the person that can make me feel safe. I didn‘t experience safety in my childhood, it was an environment of arguments and pressure to perform. Anything the person says or does controls how I am feeling, if I have a bad day, and they say something nice, everything is great again. I also have a pattern of doing everything for them. This has been going on for years with various unavailable people so much so that I now am really hesitant to meet new people because I am afraid I will lose myself instantly once I start liking them.
I have a Girl in my social circle that likes Me very much...and I Like Her of course,but She's kinda play it cool while at the same time I can see how much I mean to Her and We have amazing connection and chemistry.Girls can be difficult.
Have been there. Don't avoid people but do baby steps. Also it should be balanced. If you made a step let the other person make a step. Like the video of Matthew with the castle. Or the video "attention doesn't mean intention". These videos help me. Today I'm happy married but I know how it feels because I have been there too. And guys who have been avoiding have been like a drug. But when it's the real deal it's easy and no confusion...
@@Neso-be2ljThen make a first step and ask her out alone. If she refuses then move on. If she doesn't know what she wants, she unfortunately not the one... Hopefully it works for you
Your story sounds difficult and painful, but the fact that you’re Aware of it, can vocalize and Reflect on it is Amazing!! I would recommend to do some real therapy with a good psychologist to help you overcome and heal your past trauma. There is Nothing wrong with you, you got hurt in the past, but that doesn’t mean you need to hide or mistrust or avoid future relationships. Contrary - a good healthy person will help/show you the medicine of your own strength and love and care. Find friends or therpy/self education and you’ll heal 💜
I relate to that last part so much. Sometimes I choose not to connect rather than try to make a new friend or romantic relationship because I don’t want to become this ogre of ugliness that is a manifestation of the insecurities and flaws inside of me.
“Create a home within myself”… a home, something I’ve never had, at least haven’t felt it… i’m so crying right now… this video touched me deeply. ❤ Thank you so much, Matt ❤
Matthew, my man! What a video! Couldn’t have come in a better time. I’ve been going to this gym and a few weeks ago I noticed a girl that I was attracted to. Every so often we see each other there and say a quick hello. Yesterday was a big day for me, I was determined to get her number. I got there, saw her, we talked for a while and she was very friendly and seemed interested. I asked for her number and she said yes. Quick note, I had never in my life had done anything like that before so that alone was a big win for me! A few hours later when I got home and sent her a text and she hasn’t responded yet. First thing that comes to my mind is exactly what you covered in this video. “Oh, I must have said something wrong”, “I don’t think she likes me” and all of those thoughts. Watching this video made me realize how obsessed I am with this person that I don’t even really know yet! I feel like a did my part and I’m gonna move on and do other things like you said in the video. Thank you so much for that!
PS.: I gifted your book to my sister and she’s absolutely loving it. I can’t wait to read it as well!
Cheers from Brazil!
Congrats on the realization Lucas! That’s really great. And thank you for watching! Hope your sister enjoys the book! 🙏❤️
@@thematthewhussey thank YOU, man! I never thought you’d see or even reply to my comment in this sea of great comments! Really appreciate it. The story continues though. She did text me back but in a very friendly and distant way. Back at the gym she was talking about the new job she was starting today so I texted her saying good luck and stuff. She replied saying thanks and to tie everything in a pretty bow she ends the text with a hug. Which here in Brasil we say that between two guy friends. I guess the message is pretty clear. It’s funny how in person she seemed really interested and engaged in the conversation. Not really sure what to do now. I guess I’ll move on. I don’t think sending another text asking her out would be the right move here. Just wanted to share how the story ended. Thanks again for everything! Cheers!
@@lucasbittar good for you handling your emotions with mental clarity, strategy and self reflection! Congrats on overcoming your feer of rejection and asking her for her number - that’s healthy confidence and a Normal way to engage with people around us - to simply talk and ask if we want something.
She was likely feeling the same- nervous, happy to get attention from a nice confident guy like you! So if she’s not totally incompetent, she replied in a chatty way (which you anxiously explained as “she’s into me too” while she as polite and sharing her job details just to socialize. There is nothing wrong in this exchange. Asking a girl for a number doesn’t mean she has to go crazy over you instantly. It seems to me like this could be the best way to get to know her first! Don’t rush! Don’t ask her out or move on!! I would advise you take her reply of “friends hug” as a positive response of “I feel safe to start a friendship/to know you more.” She’s emotionally healthy and not jumping into a “date” just because you asked her a number.
Talk to her in the gym next time and get to know her as a friend first! Good luck 🤞
@@pavlovaalex thank you so much for the reply and advice! That’s a really good point you brought up. I feel I was indeed rushing into thinking if we’re talking then she must be interested so let’s set up a date as soon as possible. Maybe taking things slow is the best way to go. Unfortunately she’s just started a new job this week as a personal trainer in another gym but she told me she’d still go to the same gym as well another time of the day. Let’s see how this goes. Thanks again!
Speaking from the woman’s view: I would be..hmm wonder if he says that to all the girls..hmm. Should I see him? What do my friends think?
I hate being this way. This explains how I am way too well and it’s disappointing when I don’t realize I’m being this way at the moment.
You’re not alone feeling this way 🫶
Oh my gosh, this really hit home for me. I totally thought I was a secure person until I got into a relationship with an avoidant who love bombed me then withdrew and kept me at arms length which made me feel unsafe and anxious about things. Matthew thank you for this video and the tips to help with this. Never again do I want to become so obsessed and invest so much just out or fear of losing them then they become my whole world and then they just discard me like I didn’t even matter.
You have saved me...Being torn between wanting the person to provide me with the validation and the fear of myself having this kind of need from someone I barely know is painful.
I recently lost my life partner of 20 years due to his passing away in October. I randomly met a new person and felt a profound sense of relief immediately because I was dreading being alone and I knew that being single in my 40's was going to be much harder than being single in my 20's had been. I clutched onto this man for dear life but he did nothing to deserve the level of affection I tried to give him. Neither one of us was ready for it, honestly. He was honest with me and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I was way more upset by this than I should have been. And now, I feel like I missed out on getting to know a really great guy because I was trying to move too fast. I put responsibility on him to make ME feel better about myself and to distract me from my grief. No wonder he felt the need to shut it down. Even if I didn't actually come out and say what I was thinking he could likely feel my weird energy.
“This person isn’t the most important person in the world; we’re just afraid. And that’s okay.” Thank you Matt. For some reason that part really stuck with me. I have done a lot of self reflecting over the past few days and realized that my anxiety is a result of neglect or fear of abandonment that I experienced as a child. It’s been a struggle but I feel like I’m starting to understand myself better and in that, it’s becoming easier to let go and let myself be free. Thank you.
I needed this , five years ago, it could have saved my life but it’s never too late to redirect
You're still here! It's NEVER too late! Don't forget, what must matter most to you, is you. Keep fighting for you! You're worth it
wasted time but it's not always too late to change. those darkest time will be a big lesson in your life. been through some wasted years in lyfe bc of my broken heart and it was really the darkest time fighting with yourself and bad thought infesting the mind. But I'm sure you will prevail. :)
I just met a girl last week and got her number. After four days of not texting her I finally did, and a day later she texted me back. It went okay, but then I said something about hoping to see her soon, and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been two days.
I ended up deleting her number yesterday after watching some videos by Matthew and other people. I felt like I was being consumed by the situation.
If she’s really interested, she’ll hit me up, but in the meantime I feel like it’s best for me to really lean into my career and passions.
That being said, my going no contact is not about trying to get her interested again, but it’s about recentering myself to be good regardless of whether she’s interested or not.
Update please...
You need to watch his videos about overinvesting too soon. You barely know her, how are you going “no contact”? That’s a dramatic way to phrase not chasing someone you just met and don’t know at all, who’s being unresponsive to you.
@philipcallado5693 have you considered that she is thinking if Phillip is really interested in her, Phillip will contact her and ask her out on an in-person date? It's not too late. Take the chance. You have not blown it. Tell her you are interested in taking her out on a date. Walk in the park. Ice cream. Roller skating. Bicycle ride. Coffee. Boba tea. Ask her out and get face-time with her. Shoot your shot. Girls like boldness.
Thank you! Just went on a first date with a guy he seemed really into me and we even planned a second date in a couple of weeks. But he's not texting me like he was. so of course it makes me worry he's losing interest. But listening to this helps me remember this is not my first rodeo and if it's not meant to be I will be fine.
hoooly shitt that inner child sitting in the back of the car may sound cheezy but it was actually so helpful to understand. Really thankful for this video
The lack of self love due to obsession does destroy you emotionally and mentally but acceptance of the situation for the way the situation is that is our only way to escape this obsession of someone who doesn't even care or even love us❤️
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
How could you possibly love some one you drug along for FIVE years... If you valued her so much and saw her as your sole life partner you would have married her long before then. What did you expect... She Saw Her Worth, You Didn't.
Saved this to my IMPORTANT playlist because I get attached too quickly, probably on the idea of what they could be instead of what they are to ME and their actions. This is so so needed. Thank you
I broke up with my bf about 10 days ago, i couldn't stop crying and my sister sent me your breakup video and wow I can't believe how much strength it gave me. And then I found your no contact video and that also helped. But this clip about anxiety has really spoken to me. I feel incredibly empowered and strong at the moment. I still feel full of despair when I wake up in the morning, but then I watch one of your clips and they're like magic, dispersing the fog in my brain and making me see clearly. So thank you so, so much x
Why'd you break up? Any chance of reconciliation?
@@lukeiamyourfather6947 Why would you ask that of a person who is clearly making the hard choice to move on? And feels empowered from it? If a relationship has gotten to the point of needing to break contact, then sure you can reassure yourself with 'I can always reach out if I want to, but I choose not to, because I've learned that I won't get consistently get what I need' and things of the like, and you can think of what flaws this conflict brought out in you. But clearly the focus needs to be on teaching yourself that the world doesn't end without them, and that you choose to deny the other person access to you from now on.
so true!! the anxiety reappears and transfers onto someone else 💯💥
This is me to a tee and has been for many years. I have actually stepped away from volunteering for three weeks because I am obsessing over a great guy I work with but doesn't want to go for coffee or jazz. Now I can talk lovingly to myself, remember the safety that alluded me as a child, gently tell myself I will be OK and tell myself to STOP. This has been so life-changing. Thank you Matt.
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. I have experienced exactly this over the past two weeks. Met a woman where it felt as though we hit it off from the start, but she has a lot going on and she told me this. We went on a date and it was great and these anxious rumination thoughts started going through my head. Communication dropped off completely from her side after the date. I’ve beaten myself up about it of what I’ve done wrong, whereas taking a step back it’s a timing thing. I bought my best self to the date and the right one will come along. The Peter Pan analogy in the last chapter of your book is a very powerful one relating to this.
The exact same happened to me
This video just gave me the tools because I do it - I anxiously ruminate all the time. I am 38 and I find myself needing validation and attention and and and from not just men but people in general and its annoying because I am so much more than that so thank you, Matthew
Part of limerence...state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
I usually know that it's a hard crush that if, eventually, not reciprocated will be snapped out by icks. If reciprocated will be fed by breadcrumbs...
This all is becoming a bit of a wack job and lacking the mystery of faith in love and life’s outcomes. I’m not saying be wreckless and irresponsible but. How many of our parents and grandparents are married 50 + years bc of limerence and early obsession and just committing to and on building a life together aware of how they themselves may or may not change over time. Having all these predetermined self directed isms leaves no room for expanding life but by searching for someone who is okay with how unshakable you’ve already built your castle and can’t make a new one with you. If I’m so set in my ways I can only find someone who either is exactly like that or we still decide together to let some shit go and decide together.
@@sunflowerpower642 I agree... just saying this new age with "more options" and so many people lacking of intimacy sometimes is difficult to realize if its love for the other person or in love with the idea of someone. And after that fase ends we cant figure out how we got interested in first place as there was less in common that the divergences. Though is true in previous generations people will long wait and be more romantic in that wait...once again we cant separate that before women would married for financial security and men would married to have someone to take care of the house hold while they were working. A lot of people settle and regret. A lot of old folks stayed married cause they couldn't get divorce. Not everyone find they soul mate... not everyone realizes that they create an image of the other that are not the reality and their object of love will never turn to be what they want and/or need.
@@JanaOliveira19I agree it is worth studying and looking into! It is in itself a fascinating study topic.
You make it sound so easy. When I am obsessed with someone i cannot do what I like because I like nothing. Like everything that I use to love doing has lost its colours. I cannot just create a good life on my own because I already have one.
I know very well what this is and I can even feel whether it is love or not. Yet still cannot take myself out of this sensation. Doing everything possible for a man who doesn't care.
I have been to therapy for many years however it was not really helpful. I am getting better and now that I skipped therapy and looked for alternatives. Which i found in knowing release-techniques.
At this old age of 54 i had quite a big breakthrough last week. I had met my first clear narc. Which a friend directed me to see. He was very manipulating right from the start and at times very nasty. Cold in his heart yet also very physically very attractive to me.
BUT I ENDED IT BEFORE IT REALLY BEGAN. Even though he pushed all my buttons. But I SAW IT. And I ended it. But I was also in limerence for too many hours and days.
I have had good partners where the sensation vanished completely after a while. So for me this empty, nagging sensation CAN go away.
@@JanaOliveira19 that’s the reality of the risk. That risk never changes , maybe decreases.
Oh my goodness did I need this today! One day of no texting and my anxiety has skyrocketed. Memories of past relationships came flooding back. But hearing you talk about a need Matthew is absolutely right. All the while I’m panicking over whether I should text him and overthinking all the possibilities, I’m forgetting that it’s just a need. And it’s okay to have that. I’m okay, and I can soothe myself without sabotaging a good think. Thank you so much for this 💖
I was there before, while I have toxic relationships with a narcissist, I’m glad I have been through so I know how to be smart next time
wow, i feel like you spoke directly to me! thankyou so much for your wise reminders. i have been in a romantic friendship for a few weeks. we have been talking everyday since and we are trying to hold our excitement the best we can but we are both in the early stages of recovering from self neglecting. this weekend she was behaving distant and i was getting worried about that. i needed her reasurance so so bad but she told me straight up she just couldn't do that because she was feeling sick and was having a hard day herself. i had a panick attack with extreme anger and crying alot. even tho it felt like a nightmare because i felt like i ruined our friendship, im glad it happened because it showed me i have a lot of work to do with my abandomnent fear. your video is so helpful right now i love the tips on how to create a home withing yourself. defenitly buying your book and listening to your podcast now!
Oh. It’s interesting to find out that nearly all of my thoughts and actions are guided by my anxiety. I thought I was a little crazy. I’ve known this person for about a month, and since the day we met I’ve been obsessing over him.
As a preface, I'm a therapist. This is gold, Matthew. You have just done an incredible service for all of the anxiously attached people who watch this. You knocked it out of the park! Thank you.
This is where YOU gotta be happy enough! Because then you won't get into them too fast. ❤great book. 😊great talk. So important.
Nice!! Love to see the book learnings coming through in these comments!
thank you so much for this video -- but what are we supposed to do if we are in FACT very lonely and starved for relationships and connection? If we don't have many people to spend time with, what are we supposed to do? Not long for connection? The world we live in today doesn't help us solve this fundamental crisis: PEOPLE ARE LONELY.
Seek God and Godly relationships. 🙏🏽
I would say find new relationships by doing activities you enjoy.
If you have too many needs that are not met, nobody, whoever they are, will be able to meet them all. You have to start reducing the load of unmet need little by little.
Go to a sports class, cooking lesson, charity, hiking group or whatever activity you love so that you are sure you are going to enjoy it even if the people there are not friend material.
Do it until you find people to talk to, to create something with, a community to spend time with (you already have common passion so you will have things to talk about)
Then, when you have found good friendships and connexions and you already diminished the number of your unmet needs, only then, you start looking for a life relationship.
Building a life partnership when your own life is not stable/fullfilled is the best way to create a non stable/unfullfilled partnership.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this and I understand how difficult it is not to have a community to rely on. It can feel so hopeless to build up before even imagine having someone intimate in our life but it is like building anything. It takes times and you have to start with the floor and the walls before puting the roof on.
You can do it! One step at a time, one activity at a time, one person at a time! Remember to be nice to yourself and to pace yourself!
Lots of luck!
If you have found this video because you did or said something stupid and scared someone away, you're going in the right direction. You were in a state where your subconscious was at the controls.
I am four weeks separated from realizing what was happening to me (could have used this video then!), and my anxiety has healed tremendously now that I am aware when my body goes into that state.
Knowing the problem is most of the solution to solving it in this case. There's hope!
Amen!!
I have struggled with severe anxiety my whole life. This was very helpful. I was single & celibate 6 years, & I felt more secure alone than I do now that I’m in a relationship. It’s exactly as you said here, pre-existing anxious attachment. It always comes back! I’m working on my self confidence, loving myself even more …. because I don’t want to sabotage a good thing. Thank you!
I have been on a journey about this for a bit now, and all you talked about was spot on. Made a lot of sense, but what really hit me the most that I hadn’t thought about before, was your party analogy. Being willing to take just about anyone to provide a sense of comfort, and when we find ourselves so desperate to have that void fulfilled, that we lower any and every standard, and take anything or anyone. That’s a disaster. Because obviously it doesn’t come from a healthy place, and as you said that is exactly when toxic people (love bombers, narcissists etc) are welcomed with wide open arms into our lives.
I always feel like I HAVE to get the person I’m on a date with (whether I like them or not) to like me and it’s especially bad when I like them a lot. Then, if it’s not immediately reciprocated, this tension builds up in me and I don’t act normal or talk normal and especially just go blank and run out of things to say. Anyway, this video really spoke to me and I think will be a lot of help. I always love how you remind us how valued we are and that we all deserve love. Thank you Matthew.
I have a major fear of ending up alone in life. Recently just got broken up with and it’s completely my fault because I got too anxious and became too much and that’s not me. And I know it’s not me but for some reason I can’t help the self sabotaging I do when I am overwhelmed with those feelings. I just recently discovered you and everything you talk about has helped so much in discovering what I’m dealing with and I just appreciate it more than you know. I just hope I can apply all these tips so I don’t keep ruining relationships.
Thank you for clarifying ruminating thoughts. Sometimes you’ll forget that’s a mental obstacle when getting to know someone new again.
This man just said and explained everything I needed to know. I finally understood where my thoughts come from and why I feel like this. This video seems to have fallen from the sky directly for me. I hope this video will be seen by as many people as possible who have the same problem, because this video answered every single question I had. I understand myself better now. Thank you.
From years of following your teaching, you’re only getting better Matthew, it’s getting deeper and with more inner work. This is one of the best things I’ve heard from you, what I need to hear the most as at the age of 41, I finally understand and see my own patterns in dating. Crazy to have taken me this long, especially after countless books and podcasts , but FINALLY!!! Thank you for your continued work to lighten the world 🙏🏼💫✨🧡
Yes all of this! Wow. I just learned so much about why I’m in this pattern. I can feel that it isn’t the right place to be, but because I couldn’t articulate it, I didn’t know how to move away from it. Now I understand how to move away from it, and I’ll be doing that today. Thank you so much.
Same here, everything you said! Good luck to you
Amazing Melodie!
THIS IS THE MOST PEACEFUL, QUITE AND CLEAR I'VE FELT IN A WHILE.
I've been blasting so much music to escape my brain that I can't thank you enough. I like this girl and recently all I had in my mind was why is she not texting me like before? what did I do wrong? am I not funny anymore? why did this happen to me? why do I never get liked by someone I truly like?
All of this and to be honest I deep down knew this was some kind of a trauma because I have felt like this before for a girl. I deep down knew this was not healthy if I let this go on, so I'm taking a break from everything just focus on healing it for the next week and see how I feel.
And if someone is taking their time to read this I thankyou for your time and I would really love any kind of suggestions.
Wishing y'all a happy recovery.
This was quite validating, thank you. I can easily obsessively ruminate which causes me to attract narcissists and love bombers. I am aware and I work on it, and I’m happy to say I’ve gotten so much better at not letting this happen🙏
You can't leave your problem until you arrive to your problem. Thank you for helping me realize attachment anxiety is my #1 problem.
I had never found a video that understood me as well as this one did. Every single thing you said was a thought that had popped into my mind at one point. And I am just coming out of a relationship I sabotaged myself by being anxious, so listening to all of the reasons behind my obsession and insecurities really made me understand myself better, and even cry a little.
Thank you so much for this content, you have no idea how much it helped me.
I’m 39 and have only recently been able to see how my anxious pattern with men originated in my childhood. My dad was always there and I had a general positive sense of him having been a good dad to me as a child, so it was only until I started looking into concrete memories of how I would try to get his attention and ended up not being acknowledged, how I used to feel in my heart that he was the coolest, funniest, most intelligent person on earth and wanted so bad to be like him and to be praised and truly SEEN by him, but it never really felt like he did, or not enough. Having seen that made me realize that I have kept trying to replicate that relationship with the men in my life, and it allowed me to connect to that inner child so in need of feeling really seen and loved by her dad and giving her what she was lacking.
The most difficult part is to balance out your anxious needs and actual healthy communication.
Even when you recognized your anxious attachments and needs we often fall into their trap by either pushing them away or rather trying to not make them their problem and what needs actually need to be communicated.
But, there’s hope. These anxiousnesses and needs and how to deal with them need to be trained. Recognizing them is merely the first step, how to deal with them, taking time to calm down and learning how they’re irrational in a healthy relationship takes time.
Well said!
This video actually make me realize the root of my problems in life, now it has a name and a solution, thanks for that!
This does happen with me. For me I keep watching tarot love readings on youtube ( which are on nonstop supply) to 'know' what they might be thinking, their next move, their feelings...etc. this wastes my time and I spend days in this manner, neglecting every thing else which.might be imp or immediate.
This video spoke to me. Thank you .
Oh my, same 😂
Same here 😅
That's demonic.Seek God. 🙏🏽🫶🥰
Learn to read the tarot yourself- it's an amazing self discovery tool, you' re connecting with your subconcious mind.
After a lifetime of love addiction and 4 years of abstinence i have met someone from 30 years ago out of the blue and this video couldn't be more timely. Thank you and good luck to everyone who finds themselves squirming with anxiety
OK, Matthew and team, this couldn’t have been timed better. I will try to share more in the community, but this happened to me over the weekend. I just “pulled the plug” on a potential hookup. So, I didn’t really lose anything major and my “anxiety” made me realise that I actually want connection.
Hook ups are DEAD end and very damaging. Plz stop. Know your worth, raise your price 🙏
@@Magamomma22245 Thank you. I was conscious enough going into this "relationship" but I got to discover that I do value way more a connection and myself.
Matthew, I have been watching your videos for 8 years now. When I found you I felt less lonely, I felt like there was hope for me. I am in a good place at the moment, I am still healing my inner wounds, but now I am aware that everyone deserves to be loved, and that love starts within oneself. The first step I took was litsening my inner voices and change them whenever they were mean to me. Now I treat myself with love, patience and respect.
Me and everyone that watches you love the person you are and what you do for the world. Thank you for your hard work and kind heart.
Resonates..." we are not crazy...u have been through alot and are looking for safety because never had any...." how i wish we were understood this way :)
Needed this. Putting on repeat to let it all sink in
Ok, wow. I think this is my biggest problem overall in life, I tend to ruin everything else by disappointing myself with these stories I make up in my mind and I know that. And today I was feeling really down and thought to myself that it would be a good idea to listen to Matthew talk some sense into me and I arrive at your channel. This video was just uploaded under an hour ago. Damn, what a timing.
Watching this really helped my mood and made me tear up. Thanks.
@@IrualdemonMathew is an incredible gift we are all blessed with 🩷
So happy it came at an important moment for you ❤
Thank you so much Matthew, you just safed me. I was so sad the guy i dated last week let me yesterday on read and my brain and thoughts went through the roof. Overthinking,overthinking and more overthinking. I had the wildest idears what happend. I never recognized that i have an anxious attachment style. And now i know how to handle my inner screaming anxious child. Thank you so much 🖤
Wow... all these years.. i didnt know it was anxiety.. it all cleared up now. I wish i knew this when i was young
Is he into psychology too..how amazingly he relates to the actual things going on within us..thank u Mat..
Damn, thank you. When I think about my life I often forget that I survived really bad things and the funny thing is at that moment in my life even thou everything was falling apart I did my best, supported my loved ones and felt that inner strengh. I want to be that person once again. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we need to take step back to take care of ourselfes so that we can actually welcome someone to our heart
Your describing a Favorite Person for someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Someone with BPD had fear of abandonment and search for that comfort person who does literally what you describe. "I need you to do this and this when I need you to". And it doesn't have to be a significant other, it can be a family member but often times that is what helps cause it so we go for outsiders or people we like. That's why we struggle with relationships because it tends to become toxic because of that anxiety and fear of being abandoned being come across as controlling or jealousy or needy. Please if you have BPD, please know that your feelings are seen and you're not alone or abandoned. You will find someone, just have to stop looking and they will show up. I promise. I'm going through the same process and it takes a lot of inner work and self reflect
I’m going through this process right now. It’s hard and can get lonesome. It is a lot of inner work, but it’s worth it. I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I get sad sometimes that I’m almost 30 learning coping skills I should’ve learned when I was 5, but I’ve done everything in my life to survive to this day and I can’t blame that little girl for doing her best to survive. I know my future partner is doing the same thing as me right now and I can’t wait until we get to reap the benefits of all this hard work
This is so powerful. I feel like someone has written a book about me and they are basically reading it out loud. I want to get better. I don't like the way I am and I want to know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Thanks Mathew, this video has shown me a lot about myself
Matthew, from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for what you do. Whenever you upload something, I look for a safe space to sit down with my headphones and imagine that you’re talking to me directly. I guess that I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, although I’m not sure, but you don’t know how very much you have helped me throughout all these years. Blessings to you.
Thank you so much for telling me!
This video has touched me immensely. Divorced 5 yrs at the age of 56. I now understand what I have been doing all this time.
Since turning 56, I have been on a spiritual journey to discover my true self. I am proud of my progress in healing those deep wounds of my childhood. I believe that I am ready to allow myself to try again to find love with your advice. I am gaining a clearer picture of my True Self and love what I see. My true love will find me and I will be ready
New watcher, going through therapy working on understanding my anxious/avoidant attachments. Whilst working on putting the parts of me back together! Just wanted to comment and say i absolutely love the truth you speak. In such a calming way. I know mine comes from childhood trauma. I hope in a few months I'll come back and watch this feeling a little more confident in the work im doing.
To everyone out there struggling with attachments and relationships, you are worth being loved, you are worth having a good relationship but most of all you are worth loving yourself. Dont ever be afraid to seek help ❤its not a weakness its strength, were worth healing. Thank you dude great videos. 😊😊
Personally when I feel as though someone is special & we have a good connection I tend to start basing my whole life around them for us to spend all my time together. This video helped me see I have a need to please people and avoid loneliness at all costs. This doesn’t happen with everyone I date but I tend to choose people who are the most unsafe which I’ve noticed as well through this video. I understand the importance of self love and I’ve been on an ongoing journey to self discovery, self acceptance, & ultimately self love. I love your videos, you’re such a warm soul. Your compassion truly oozes from the screen!! Thank you for all your helpful words and advice.
Omg I needed to hear that, that's me... thankyou so much...I'm saving it so I can listen to it each time I feel that way.. I've been hurt in the past and I always feel alone and then someone comes along and I feel all of that 😅. Thankyou again x
Thank You so much. I needed to hear this. Coming out of a toxic marriage, 7 months into divorce. Found a special someone and I was acting out of anxiety. Thank You again
What I love about this channel is it directs us to look inside versus manipulating and blaming others.
I’ve always been the type who never leaves the infatuation stage. I’ve got a lifelong friend who is the same way. We’ve gotten together occasionally, but the timing was never right. We are finally together. They were disgnosed with autism. In my desire to support them, I researched autism. The list of symptoms blew my mind. I have them all. We’ve both watched relationships fall apart and learned to do the work it takes to keep a relationship. The two of us together is the most amazing thing. We are in the deepest kind of child-like love. But in the meantime, we are both desperately careful to protect each others autonomy and respect. We communicate our needs and requirements clearly and with absolute clarity. I actually did the sabotage thing that I do when I am scared of vulnerability. They behaved so perfectly to deal with my irrationality and gave me time to accept that I had lied to hurt both of us. They make me better every day. I make them better sometimes. Being an infatuated person can be healthy for both yourself and your partner. Read up on relationship help. Go into couples therapy on day one. You can love madly, and you can be healthy
I feel this way to some extent about every one I interact with... I go to a Dr or dentist I like and the first thing I do is hope they don't die.... The video explains a lot about my anxiety
My grandma passed away recently under unfavorable circumstances. The loss added to my anxiety and I got attached to someone I met. This video has really helped me to evaluate my anxious rumination. Thank you for your video!
I never commented a YT video in my life but this hit me spot on! 🙏 I been single for over 10 years and had anxious attachment. I get obsessed immediately when I like someone, freak out, get my heart broken by love bombers etc etc. It’s such a relief to know that I am not weird and alone in this. It’s a real struggle to carry this anxiety, I am a highly functioning person in other areas in life but I kind of shut down the door for love so I don’t need to carry the anxiety, it’s sad.
I wanted to cry in the end because it was so beautiful the part about taking care of your inner child.
You are amazing Matthew, thank you for this 🥰
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It means so much. I’m honored to be the only video you’ve ever commented on!
I broke down hearing this. You have given me such perspective and have saved me from being in the dark about all this and confused for why I do this. I am so glad I found this, you have changed my life for the better.
What if you've never been okay? What if you've had nothing but hurt, abuse, pain and heartache?
It’s funny, bc I stopped inner child work to date, and then you talk about creating a safe place within yourself and talking to your inner child, and I was like: Aha! We’re back to this! I love the part about being firm with the inner child and how you framed the rumination anxiety. I also appreciated that you spoke about how the anxiety and need is not meant to be met by the significant other. I feel like it’s a lie of modern culture that teaches that relationships are meant to fulfill every emotional need a person has. Thank you for this wisdom!
Thank you so much for this video! I cover up my lifelong anxiety pretty well to OTHERS - I have learned to overcompensate by being ‘over-involved’ with other people & being the valuable ‘gett’er done’ gal. But the underlying anxiety has always been there - and I never REALLY noticed it until recently.
Matthew always says this and said it in the comments on this video : our anxious attachment style is hard to navigate, but there is someone out there, who’s healthy or is actively working on being the healthiest version of themselves (like us), and they will give us grace. They will work with us. There are tons of people who will be unwilling to, and those just aren’t our people. And to be honest, they’re probably not people we’d want to be with. I think the people we “self sabotage” with are usually ones who don’t like having a partner with a lot of emotional needs period. Thats why we “push them away”. We are worthy of being loved. I’m so grateful for Matthew 💜
This video is pure gold. Especially love the part where Matthew says that we mislabel the feelings we have, as ai believe this is the main reason for our pain. And we do that in other situations as well. You know introverts say that being around people exhaust them, however I believe the exhaustion comes from the fact that their head is filled with fear and anxiety in regards to “what others think about me, did I say something stupid” which is a stressful and exhausting situation to be constantly in. It’s caused by the thoughts in our head solely, but we mislabel it as “I just don’t like being around people, people exhaust me”. So, no, we are not in love with the person we went on two dates with. We saw one or two good qualities (and let’s be honest, our bar is pretty low) and we made up the rest of their personality in our head. Not only that, but we also made up stories about having our needs met with them (same way as we make up stories in other social settings) imagining a life with them where all our needs of validation, security, consistency, love, etc will be met. And that’s exciting which we again mislabel as excitement towards the other person. In reality we are like little kids who daydream all day about living in fantasy land where all the needs are finally met. That’s why it hurts so much when this person leaves, we loose all our hopes of dreams and the life we would have had with them, and once again we are abandoned and reminded of how unworthy and unlovable we are. That hurt we also mislabel as hurt of missing the other person but it has nothing to do with them. That’s why it’s easy to fall for the love bombers, after all we’ve been wanting to hear those words for years, they are a promise we will get everything we yearn for. They give us the hope that finally we will be loved and accepted for who we are. But let’s be honest, is it reasonable for someone to be so infatuated with us on the third date? We like to think we are special but every guy who is actually looking for a partner takes things slow. And I also believe we are love bombers on our end as well, as how reasonable for us is to be ready to get into a relationship after two-three dates? Or be ready to say all the right things even though we feel like we mean them in the moment? We as anxiously attached are also ready to make promises we can’t keep just to get that sense of validation, exactly as the love bomber, who is looking also to get validation, just in another way. I think that’s why love bombers and anxiously attached people attract each other - it’s two sides of the same coin. Both are looking to meet their need of validation - one by wanting to get into a relationship just to feel chosen, and the other lovebombing again to meet their need of validation and feel chosen. That’s why the love bomber pursues you actively while you’re still not sure about him and leaves the moment you show you are hooked - his need of validation has been meet and he wants nothing more from you as he is too afraid to get into a relationship as that in the past caused him more pain. The same way the anxiously attached people pursues people when they are avoidant and looses interest if someone is consistent and reassuring - again their need of validation has been met, and getting into a relationship with someone secure is actually scary.
This pattern is actually not easy to break but something you can do is keep a diary about your feelings, especially for the moments of high intensity. I guarantee reading them few moments later will make you say “I must have been out of mind to write all that”, as then you will have a different perspective. Also don’t expect that just knowing what you know now will help you break the pattern. It’s likely you’ll find yourself in at least 2-3 situations like this, but with each one you will gain more and more clarity until you are finally ready to break from it.
So very true
This video is designed for that piece of me that : consciously start diving in ruminating about what isn't necesssarely true and I keep going. I couldn't name it : I had a lot of self control but none for that piece of me. I am working it ou, exploring it : its a new piece to self master. Your video is helping me understanding anxiety one step further : It gives hopes I can fight it the right way and safely. so so so smart. Thank you Matthew Hussey.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Fantastic. This is a pattern that i fall into every time i really like someone, and my anxiety tends to push them away. Finding the safety within myself is the key. Don’t project my expectations of her. If it happens, great. If not, I’ll be fine because i live a rich and beautiful life. The right woman will show up at the right time, and my inner feeling of safety will allow that relationship to flourish.
Mathew, I’m a guy and I’ve been following you for years. I usually don’t comment on UA-cam videos, but this one in particular deserves it. You touched so many important things that many times we are unaware of. Thank you for this video and keep up the good work!! 👍🙏🎉
What spoke to me was that lovely statement about how because of us being unique in knowing our story exactly, we have the opportunity to provide compassion and understanding to ourselves.
I am very harsh towards myself, so this was nice to hear and a great reminder of the power we have to love ourselves
You are truly just so awesome Matthew thank you for being you and out there for so many .. I’m a 60 year old struggling anxious attacher with a painfully broken heart …. for now it’s UA-cam for me and maybe your book .. I wish I lived in Florida!